#i love and hate them all equally for various reasons

[burningvelvet]

being a romantic era poet: a quick how-to guide

walk around in nature contemplating Things. start hiking, swimming, sailing, rowing, shooting, riding, etc. for inspiration

be obsessed with the french revolution and related enlightenment-era figures like rousseau, voltaire, mary wollstonecraft, and madame de staël. be more disappointed by napoleon bonaparte than you are by your own father. 

speaking of fathers, your parents and most of your other relatives are all either dying or dead or emotionally abusive. if you have any siblings (full, half, step, or adopted) who DIDN'T die tragically already, then you may choose to be close to them. you also may end up being much TOO close to them. various circumstances may also ban you from seeing them. 

be at least slightly touched by madness and/or some other severe illness(es) including but not limited to: consumption, horrors, syphilis, deformities, lameness, terrors, piles, boils, pox, allergies, coughing, sleep abnormalities, gonorrhea, etc. — for which you must take frequent bed rest and copious amounts of Laudanum (opium derivation)

consider foregoing meat and adopting a vegetable diet instead to purify the spirits. you may also abstain from alcohol for the same reasons. alternatively, you may attempt the veggie diet, end up rejecting it, and becoming a rampant alcoholic instead. in romanticism there is no healthy medium between abstinence and excess.

reject, or at least heavily criticize, christianity. refuse to get married in a church and consider becoming a fervent champion of atheism. alternatively, you may embrace catholicism, but only on an aesthetic basis. eastern religions and minority religions are also acceptable, only because they piss off the christians. 

if you’re not a self-hating member of the aristocracy and instead have to work for a living, do something that allows you to benefit society, be creative, and/or contemplate life. viable options include, but are not limited to: apothecarist, doctor, teacher, preacher, lawyer, farmer, printmaker, publisher, editor. there is also the possibility of earning a few coins from your art. if you were cursed to be born a She, no worries. we believe in equality. you may choose from these occupations: wife, nanny, housekeeper, spinster, amanuensis (copy writer for a man), lady’s companion, divorced wife, singer/actress/escort, widow, regular escort, tutor, or housewife. 

speaking of sexist institutions, try rejecting marriage entirely. Declare your eternal devotion to your lover by having sex with them on your mother’s grave instead.

if you do get married — elope, and only let it be for necessary financial reasons, or to try and save a teenage girl from her controlling family, or out of true love with someone you view as your intellectual equal, or because your life is so racked with scandals and debt that you can only clear your name by matrimony to a wealthy religious woman as your last resort before fleeing the country.

After marriage, quickly assert your belief in the powers of free love and bisexuality by taking extramarital lovers and suggesting your spouse follow suit. If they cannot keep up with your intellectual escapades then consider leaving them. Later on, propose a platonic friendship with them following the separation, or beg them for reconciliation.

If your marriage is happy, try moving in with another bohemian couple to shake things up. Alternatively, you may die before the wedding for dramatic effect.

If you beget children (whether in or out of marriage, makes no matter), do society a favor by choosing to raise them with your beliefs. Consider adopting orphan children, or even non-orphan children. If their parents are poor enough they probably won’t mind. Try kidnapp— I mean adopting — children off the side of the road if you can. 

DIE but do it creatively. ideally young. ideas: prophecy your own death, lead an army into war and then die right before your first battle and on your deathbed curse everyone and demand to see a witch, write a will leaving money to your mistresses or some random young man you have an unrequited romantic obsession with, carry a copy of your dead friend's poetry and read it right before you drown so that your washed up corpse can only be identified by his book in your pocket, die while staring at your lover's shriveled up heart that you keep wrapped up in a copy of his own poetry and then be buried with it, die of the poet's illness (consumption) while your artist friend draws you and then be buried with your lover's writing, get mysteriously poisoned (by yourself) after a series of scandals and accidents and then have your family announce that you were killed by god, die from romanticizing poverty or receiving bad reviews from literary critics, die from walking or horseback riding in the cold and the rain while poeticizing, etc.

[kerubimcrepin]

An analysis of Joris Jurgen’s various fears and insecurities

Aka, Liveblog - Dofus, livre 1 : Julith [PART 9]

This scene is one of the most important pieces of Joris's characterization,  — because of what it shows us about Joris's inner thoughts, and how he came to be the person that he is.

Joris knows what he said to Kerubim was cruel. And the things that terrify him are both the guilt and the reaction Kerubim might have:

The guilt of knowing why Kerubim is like that: His life full of nothing but horrible things and tragedies, that made him vulnerable. And Joris just called him an old wreck, as if it's Kerubim's fault that he was wrecked to begin with.

And the fear that he will be too distraught to reason with. That Joris will have to grovel and beg for him to calm him down.

He probably deems himself selfish, for feeling bad about the idea of giving Kerubim an apology for everything he said. Selfish, because really, he does owe everything to him, does he not?

Joris is perfectly aware of his place in the world as an orphan. Kerubim didn't have to adopt him.

He could have tossed him out like a hot potato, and perhaps, for how grateful Joris is, it might be just what he deserves, as far as Joris is concerned.

Joris is more than aware that he's fortunate to even have a roof over his head and some semblance of a family. Both because of Lilotte, and Kerubim himself.

So feeling bad about anything concerning Kerubim is like looking a gift horse in the mouth.

And here's the jealousy I spoke of, earlier. He views Lilotte both as a friend, and as a rival for Kerubim's affections, — because his survival has always depended on Kerubim liking him.

It's why he's so anxious, and why his thoughts are so quick to spiral out of control, just like at this moment of the movie.

He has nothing going for him besides Kerubim. Absolutely no family to speak of. So, if Kerubim can't, or doesn't want to take care of him, he has nobody left.

Children learn very early on how to please their parents: and for Kerubim it's pure, uncomplicated love, with no drama, no hate involved.

And it's the reason he fears Joris growing up, and keeps treating him like a little kid, trying to offset the inevitable:

Subtly, these feelings of love become more and more complicated, as someone grows older.

It's why Joris tries so hard to mold himself into a comfortable image for him.

And yet, despite all his attempts, Joris finds himself growing up into yet another person scorned, — doomed to hurt Kerubim. Even though growing up and hurting Kerubim, whom he loves so much, is the last thing he wants.

Even though he has his own needs for respect and personal space now. These childhood experiences and pain make him into a very guarded person. To him, deep friendship is all about emotional labour and being infantilized.

Joris can't really be his own person as Kerubim's son, and nobody will ever take him seriously from a first glance, — he's faced with reminders of that in every aspect of his life. This has made him a creature of pride.

He has to work with every fibre of his being to seem serious, cool, and professional, — because otherwise, he is doomed to not be taken serious, and be considered a child yet again.

And he has every reason to feel that way. It's just a constant uphill battle to be recognized as an adult.

It's why he wants Kerubim and Atcham to act as his children, — he can't, he just can't have people he actually likes knowing about Kerubim, and risking them seeing him as subservient to the man, as his son.

It's a way of having Kerubim and Atcham treat him as an equal — as a superior, even.

Though he knows that Kerubim and Atcham will never actually think that way of him, it is enough.

They keep protecting him. And also, softly, making fun of him for these neuroticisms. But at least they don't think of him as child anymore.

And at least, he doesn't have to care about offending them, — a father is a creature that offends often, after all.

[sometimes-i-write-good]

Line of Sight

Top Gun: Maverick Jake “Hangman” Seresin x gn!WSOreader [no use of y/n]

1.8k | You’ve got to love how glasses can make even the hottest man then times hotter

====

Genre: fluff, crushing

CW: swearing

A/N: I saw a photo of Glen Powell in glasses and now that’s all I ever want to see. (Also, I wrote this on mobile again. So extra apologies if it looks weird or there’s more typos!!) || cross-posted on ao3

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===

“I don’t see why you can’t just get the surgery,” Jake said, settling further into the uncomfortable office chair. The kind that were made for ten minutes of sitting and not two hours. You clearly didn’t know that though because you’d spend the past two hours on your feet, pacing.

He hadn’t wanted to spend his weekend this way. With you dragging him to various doctors appointments. He actually had a full day of cardio and lifting planned out before beers at the bar tonight, but he couldn’t turn you down once you gave him those puppy dog eyes. They were his favorite feature of yours, your eyes. He could get lost in them… and had on many occasions.

And here you were, trying on dozens of pairs of lenses that would be a barrier between him and Heaven itself.

“Because, Bagman,” you said, tilting your chin down slightly to stare at him over your latest pick. “I’m scared of those lasers fucking my eyes up.”

He scoffed. You were as bad a Rooster some days. Perched on a ledge watching life pass you by. At least you managed to keep Jake on his toes. As quick in the air as you were with your comebacks.

“How ‘bout these.” You pushed the pair up on the bridge of your nose and struck a pose that Jake could only roll his eyes at. “Hot, right?”

“You’re scared of lasers fucking up your eyes, B, but you go and pick out a frame that fucks up your whole face like that?”

If Hangman were looking - and he wasn’t - he could have sworn your face fell a bit at his comment.

Jake waved his hands at the wall. “Try on another one,” he said, purposefully avoiding looking at the small pile you’d already stacked on the technicians desk.

Off you went to peruse the wall of frames with your hands on your hips. Jake wasn’t entirely sure why you were so determined to find the perfect pair. The Navy didn’t exactly allow many choices. But you had been insistent on showing Jake every pair and he, rightfully so, had shot down every single one.

Perhaps slightly harsher than he’d been meaning to come off. It was unfair to take out the frustration of not being able to look you in the eye as well on you. Then again, they were your eyes.

Your eyes. Bright and fierce and blinding. Like the sun.

“I don’t understand what you have against glasses,” you called out to Hangman over your shoulder.

“I don’t know what you have against lasers,” he countered. When you didn’t respond, Jake let a smug smirk settle on his lips. “You could get contacts.”

He watched you shudder as you plucked another pair off the never ending wall of Jake Seresin torture devices. “And touch my eyes? No thank you.”

Jake sighed. You were impossible to reason with. Consistently so considering you’d been this way since he’d met you in flight school. It was how you’d gotten your callsign: Brick.

Because talking to you some days was like talking to a wall.

For obvious reasons, you took immediate offense to the name, but it stuck. Not everyone had the luxury of choosing their own callsigns in this job. One way or another you were going to end up with a nickname you hated. That’s just how the military worked. At least your commanding officers gave you a choice. Brick, bull, or mule. All stubborn. All equally as terrible.

You sulked for a week after that. Easily Jake’s favorite version of you because you had sought him out no matter where he was and hovered until he’d made some smart ass comment that brought a beautiful smile through. He’d always been the one to break down that wall, but you’d, steadily, build it right back up.

“I could put them in for you, B?” He offered, pinching the bridge of his nose, and squeezed his eyes shut hard. Jake was ready to craft you a new pair of eyes if it meant the pair of you could. Leave. This. Office.

“These,” you said, “these are the pair.”

“I don’t think…” but the words died on his lips as he lifted his head. Jake couldn’t do anything but stare. If you were to ask, he wouldn’t be able to tell you the date or year or his own name. All he would be able to do is tell you how stunning you looked.

You grinned, and it made him want to stand up and cross the office and take your face into his hands and kiss that stupid grin right off your face. Jake wouldn’t even mind if the frames of those glasses got in his way. They were ridiculously hot. “Yup.” You grinned wider at the heat working its way up his neck. “These are the ones.”

“Yeah.” He cleared his throat, unable to come up with a good reason for you to abandon this pair. “That’s the pair.”

“You should try some on, Hangman.” You tapped at the side of your frames, still wearing that stupid smile. It was so carefree that he couldn’t help but return it. “Who knows, you might like them.”

His smile flatlined and he crossed his arms. Pouty, like you had been when you asked him to come with today. “I won’t like it. I don’t wear glasses.” You shook your head at him. “I don’t! They’re a sign that I’m anything less than perfect and we can’t have that.”

“We can’t have that,” you echoed, rolling your eyes. “C’mon. I won’t tell anyone about your slip into mediocrity for one day.”

“I want to leave, Brick.”

“Not until you try on a pair of glasses.”

“No.” You crossed your arms at him, mimicking his posture. “I’m serious.”

The sigh you let out almost does Jake in. He’s tempted to try on every pair of glasses. Just to please you, but this asshole mask has been fixed firmly in place for so many years. There’s no sense is removing it to make room for glasses.

“I’m serious, too.” He made a show of making himself as comfortable as possible in this impossibly uncomfortable chair.

“Jake.”

“Nope.”

“Seresin.”

“Not happening.”

“Hangman.”

“Brick.”

“Wall.” You point at yourself.

And that’s when Jake realizes there’s no winning this fight. Not with you digging your heels in like this.

“Fine,” he relented. “One pair. So they better be good.” As soon as he said it, he regretted it. Giving a stubborn person like you a task demanding perfection. “Oh not those, please.”

Your hand hovered over a pair of Ray-Bans that look suspiciously like a different WSO’s. “Why not? They look good on Bob.”

“Glasses do not make a person more attractive.” Jake prided himself for the slightest moment on not stuttering during that little white lie, though he couldn’t bring himself meet your eye. You were too good at picking out his fibs. “I am not wearing Bob’s glasses.”

You shrugged, nonchalant. “They make Bob look hot.”

“You think Bob - callsign ‘Bob’ - is hot?” Something hot shot through Jake. Same as when he was up in the air and Rooster catches Mav’s praise instead of him. “Since when?”

“Since he stared giving you ego checks.” You plucked a pair of glasses off the wall in a haphazard, random fashion and make your way over to Jake. “Here,” you say, “these are going to look good.” You bend over to put a pair of thick-framed black glasses on his face. Completely opposite of the pair Bob wore. He smelled the detergent you used on your clothes on laundry duty last night. He tried hard not to look like he leaned in closer as you move away to look at him.

“Well?” Jake asked, bringing a hand up to monkey with them. “How do I look.”

“I’d be able to tell if you’d sit still for once in your life,” you huffed. Then stomped over to readjust them and Jake let himself bask in the warmth of your nearness a little longer. “You’re as bad as Payback.”

“You’re doing an awful lot of comparin’ today, B.” Hangman laughed as you stuck your tongue out him. His careful eyes watched you walk backward to take him in again. “So, verdict?”

“They’re- uh, you… you look fine.” The stony facade of flirting and nothing more has cracked. Jake can see by the way you fiddled with your fingertips and the part in your lips as you held back a sigh.

He sat up with a laugh. “You’re swooning!” Jake pulled himself out of his chair and reached for a mirror. The reflection that stared back was handsome. A scholar more than a smartass. If he ever matured, this would be the perfect way to show it.

“Okay, Narcissus.” You snatched the mirror from his hands. It is returned to the table. Face down. “Enough staring at yourself.”

“I’m more Adonis than Narcissus, wouldn’t you say?” He laughed at the groan you let out. “What? I can’t help how hot I am in glasses.”

“You’re dramatic.”

“I’m hot, but am I Bob hot?” He teased.

“Oh, shut up.” You plop down in the empty chair next to him, rubbing at your neck, and avoiding his eye.

“You’re turning red…” he said, lips quirking back into a devilish grin - “Don’t even think about finishing that sentence, Seresin!” - “Red as a brick!”

You rolled your eyes at his stupidity, and he was glad to still clearly see that glint of affection through your glasses. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

“It kills the joke if I have to explain it, B.” He nudged you softly with his elbow. “I should have expected it, being the smartest one in the room and all.”

“I hate you.”

“You love me.” He pulled down his glasses to look at you over the tops of the frames.

“Not remotely.”

“Not enough to buy me lunch?”

You let out a laugh. He wanted to freeze that moment in time to capture this flirtatious laugh of yours. “Definitely not that much.”

“I just spent an entire Saturday following from doctor to dentist to doctor-”

“Fine,” you cut him off, “I’ll buy lunch, Bagman.”

“Dick.”

“Hey!” You snap your head to the side to look at him and use one finger to push your glasses down so that you’re staring Jake straight in the eye. “It’s Brick to you, sir.”

“That completely defeats the purpose of having glasses, you know.”

You smiled. He wanted to drop his gaze down to your lips but knew the implications that would hold. So, instead, he held your gaze.

“I know, I just want to look at you.”

His heart stuttered at your words. The two of you stare for longer than either of you had dared to push past before turning to look your separate ways. Maybe coming with wasn’t such a bad decision.

====

Tag list:

@rosiahills22

[underfart-snas]

i’m going to preface this by saying this will be hard to read. for those who have had to deal with a lot of familial trauma, csa, and various other things really. you’re being warned now.

it is not anything fun, light, or happy.  i will not answer questions from anyone. i will not stop people from their comments or tags but i will not look at opinions or attempt to change them. good or bad, i’m too tired to change anyone’s minds or matters on the subject. while i am regretful and sorry for many things, i know this won’t change much.

i’m not looking for forgiveness. i'm looking for closure.

i will not argue on how i’m a good person, or how any behavior in the past was justifiable or right. it was wrong. i still fuck up to this day trying to be human. at this point, all i want is to speak up about what i had to go through and why things ended the way they did with hopefully a more clear sense of perspective as to why i made what i did. and then i would like to move on.

flowerfell ended in disaster from all sides. a story i, the friends i made along with it and worked deeply with during it all, held very dear for our own reasons. be it to express the hardship of survival, to cope with the progression of loss, or having hope in finding small things to live for and learning to find love in friendships, family or otherwise that we couldn’t have in life. it was a big story for everyone, and i understand not everyone got the message. people have not been kind. i’ve seen equal sides of good and bad come from it.

i won’t argue about the shipping aspects. people are right in believing i liked what i liked, and whether or not they hated that was up to them. i had my personal reasons and i never intended for it to be a malicious thing, but i understand people’s headstrong thoughts on the canons or otherwise. I didn't like to go out of my way to shove it in people's faces, which is why i scrapped later stories that were pressured to be frans related and instead made them into personal characters.

it’s fucked up seeing people get chased and hurt over fictional things. things that aren’t physically harming anyone, at least when they’re contained properly. things you shouldn’t be actively looking for if you don’t like it. things that people may actually be doing to cope with their own trauma. i watch so many people looking for hate, or reasons to be angry. i think that adds to much sadness overall. i can’t say much for those who don’t go about tagging things properly for those who don’t want to see things other than "please work on that."

when i played undertale, i lived vicariously through frisk as i played. they were quite frankly, a blank slate. i was able to self-insert in a way. due to story aspects, i felt the monsters were like... old old. like ancient beings that lived lives unfathomably long beyond the human lifespan. beyond the passage of time.

i fell in love with characters and aspects and ideas it gave. i fell in love with it’s world, the possibility of other worlds like it, and exciting wacky hijinks. i took interest in others making au's and thought about how i could make my own. what my own life lacked or couldn’t give me. the family and friends i found through it. 

toby really kicked everyone’s ass with this one, and i hope he does it again and again. and i pray he continues to succeed. because he made something beautiful.

now for what i had to deal with, during the failed attempt of making my story…

i have had to process a lot of neglect from family and home in recent years. though i’m older now, it still hurts. things still linger and sting harder than they should. they say it gets better but it really sticks and comes back in many ways that make life so much harder than it should be. it’s only made harder when people want you to be better, but it takes time to get there. sometimes people can't be with each other because of it, which is something i've had to learn over and over again. it takes so much time and it takes it away from everything you hope can be good and great in your life.

growing up was a nightmare. i’ve had to grow up with abandonment from my mom. neglect from my dad. i've had to deal with them trying to reach back out and my feelings on whether or not it's deserved. or if i'm even ready to handle it yet. many times i'm not.

i’ve had to deal with surgery to fix my body from disgusting and life ending deformation as a toddler which still leaves scars on my body today. my family has told me i’m lucky to even be alive. sometimes i almost wish it took me, because the world is cruel. but at the same time, i want to live so, so badly.

i’ve had to deal with manipulation and rape from someone almost ten years older than me in household when i was just a child. from five to nine. threats of being compliant and not to speak up or else my life was in danger. being physically trapped for hours while my body was a tool. later this fell onto another child of a caretaker for my sister, which is the only reason i got away from it. so i never got the chance to speak up myself and that effects me to this day. i was told years later this same thing happened to my older, severely autistic sister prior. someone who literally cannot verbally communicate or function without help from another. my grandmother telling me she left before because my father didn’t believe her. this all meaning, this is something that could have never happened.

i've had to handle my grandmother’s physical and verbal abuse for the rest of the those years after she came back to take care of my sister. my sister didn't escape abuse either. i would be stuck listening to her convince me as i got older and barely making it out of school that wouldn’t ever survive on my own. that i would never make it. that i would never find love. that i’d be eating fucking “saltines and ketchup” on the streets. i’ve had to deal with eating disorder because of her and various other disgusting shit i don’t want to add that the fear had made me succumb to. i didn’t leave my room for days at a time unless i was forced to. i didn’t sleep properly, to the point of passing out for minutes at a time. anyone who used to come to streams would know, i used to fall asleep while drawing with my brother. in many ways, my grandmother has made me so functionally stagnant, which is so hard to combat now.

cutting out all the general silliness and nonsense i would make just to smile once in a while, my art and flowerfell was an escape for me. it was a way to express my pain and hope that there was some sort of out. that there were friends to be made and love to be had. family to be found. that if you’re strong enough maybe you can be redeemable and make it to the end. frisk was hope. sans was strength. and all of the friends they were supposed to make along the way were support.

but at the same time, i clearly wasn’t able to handle the scale of what it became. i wasn’t ready for the crowd, i wasn’t ready to make a coherent and straight story, and was too giving and lenient. i wasn't ready for the "godlihood" people were pressing on me when i was just a normal person. it made making real friends a hassle. i didn't know who was honest or using me. many people have used me.

i was scared after it fell apart and got toxic. that people can take and twist and hate no matter how hard you try. i didn’t understand a lot of things back then or how to defend myself. i didn't understand how to combat theft, i didn't understand fiction kin, i didn't understand self care or boundaries for others and myself. i didn't understand a lot of things. i try really hard to understand now.

for all intents and purposes, it was getting septic. i was getting septic at that time and for some time after. and because of that i lost not only my story, but my friends and my sanity. i wasn’t able to keep it together for them or myself. i was hurt and hurting others by proxy. and i am so sorry for it. all of it.

i was only saved by finally being taken away from home by someone who actually took a chance on me. someone who made time for me even when i was getting reclusive. someone who loves me through all of that even if i hurt them terribly in the process, and may even still in all the faults i'm working on. despite everything, they're still with me today.

to this day i find flowerfell hard to look at without feeling various stages of grief. i have many degrees of anger and sadness, at times hopeless acceptance. not necessarily towards anyone anymore, but that i was unable to finish it. or felt i was unable to. that i'm unable to surpass it. that i was so fearful of loss and parts of myself being taken away when i already felt i had so little. how it blinded me to what good i had at so many times. how it’s destroyed my ability to create and fall in love with characters i like or make, and their worlds. no matter how hard i try now. that it’s taken my ability to trust, communicate, and form steady relationships with people. how it effects even those who have stayed and try so hard. that it’s taken my ability to share and feel safe doing so. even with people i'm close with today.

even situations on how helpful it’s been for people over the years, and deeper connections to self or others they’ve found in the progression of time because of it. i’m not unhappy for those who have, i’m grateful that people have found their hearts in it. it was made with unfathomable love and there’s incredible pain on having given up continuing what could have been more. what else people could have connected with or felt. there was so much i didn’t get to share, and got too angry and scared to give.

i grew to believe people didn’t deserve it anymore because of what i and my friends at the time were going through. i no longer wanted to feel hurt. i no longer wanted my friends to be hurt. and i violently took it away into myself, which has hurt me even more over the years.

i want to believe people would have liked the ending, and anything that would come after that. it was going to have a good ending.

later i would find the fear of parts being taken would be connected to discovering plurality in myself, and recently finding out in therapy i’m probably not too separated from my sister in being on the spectrum, adding to all of that and more. i’d have to process that feelings became separated and another struggle to deal with. that i was dissociating from everything so hard these feelings are expressed as their own apart from me, but still with me. that this was my way of not being alone with what i had. it is not a kind thing. while they're like family to me, it is also a cage.

it would take me years to actually discover what this was properly, having to go through a whole ordeal of manipulation and problems from that alone. i would have to deal with them also being stolen and taken advantage of due to complacency and misunderstanding. which has made every bit of fear with what came before twice as difficult. however, i've also had good people along the way, and i hope they stay with me for a very long time.

because of this i’ve learned a lot about systems and kinships and reasons why these exist. how these things can make people feel at home. i have changed a lot of views on it and how these things help people, even if they’re strange at times… i’m not mad about it anymore. if it helps people it helps people. other people are trying to survive too. i just ask people be respectful about it.

i don’t hate fanart or others trying to make stories anymore. as someone who struggles now with even a fraction of creating any amount of work i used to, i’m more glad than not that it’s encouraging people to improve and move forward. but i won’t ever accept discredit because at the root it is mine still. i made this for myself before i made it for others. it will always be a part of me, even if painful now.

i’m just tired. i’m tired and i hope over time i’ll be able to rest.

sigh.

to kaze, your document is faithful and i won’t argue that any of it is wrong or malicious. there was a lot missing from that video that could and should have been added. it wasn't just about shipping, but a lot more. i hope people will leave you and others alone about flowerfell and ship nonsense at the end of the day. especially when your stories were wonderful and aren’t hurting anyone. while we’re not on good terms, i do wish them a very "fuck off and move on."

however, i will not accept the statement that you were helpful to my mental health, or to others involved to begin with. trying to be, maybe, but it faltered.

apart from encouraging anger towards the fanbase either on my or by your own hands, flipping the switch between telling me to keep going and giving up. you fully took advantage of the complacency i had to go through at home to survive and had to unlearn for many years prior. you weaponized your problems at home onto us. this compiled everything, probably for both of us. this would only continue on to my system in many ways.

you actively encouraged suicidal behavior within the group, provoking my brother into a pact at his lowest. you took advantage of me and my brother mentally and sexually. knowing full well of our issues and my own csa, you still crossed lines. doing or sharing things without warning or prior consent and conversation, at times even within public groups. fighting back or saying something about these things were difficult because everyone was sensitive at the time. even if things were jokes at times, it didn't always come across that way.

i watched blind fight so hard for you in many ways even when they were struggling so badly with their own physical health, even staying in the end. i don't know if they're doing well or are still there now which is another string of worries.

what hurt the most is that for years you blamed me for an attempt because i “didn’t love you enough to talk to you or be honest” and held it over my head instead of explaining until the very last second before i left that it was because of home. you continued to comment in ways up until that point, then deleting things as if i couldn’t see logs. every single day i thought you were going to just be gone in an instant without warning. that i and others would lose one of our best friends. i grew so afraid of talking to you because of this. i was scared to hurt people more in anger of that. it is still something that terrifies me to this day.

flowerfell wasn’t the break of our friendship, it was the inability to handle the weight of taking care of someone who was unwilling to work on themself on top of all of that, while being unable to take care of myself at the same time. not being enough. that nothing of what little i could give would ever fix what was happening, and that i was being used as an escape method. much like my brother was. we weren’t good for each other anymore. and while i wanted to keep holding on, many people told me i had to let go and they were right. i'm sorry that it wasn't completely by my own voice that i let go.

i don’t even hate you anymore, if i even ever really did to begin with. the most i get is mad and i may say the word "hate" in anger, and that is entirely my own fault for checking in once in a while to see if you’re still breathing or getting better. because i cared a long fucking time and i think parts of me still do. i can’t say there weren’t fond memories or good times and i still have gifts i won’t throw away. and i won’t discredit that i do see you trying really hard for yourself now, which is a hopeful feeling and all i and others ever wanted. even if we may never speak directly again, because i don’t think that would be good for either of us, i hope it keeps going well.

but i don’t think you have the right to say i’m a bad person as if you weren’t just as bad yourself. you effected me and others just as badly.

we don't have to forgive each other. but i do hope, after a long time, we can forgive ourselves.

-

just a last little edit:

before you start congratulating someone who added to the entire severity of literally everything, understand this:

we were not driven by her or her alone. this is not her fucking win. this is the result of friends and good people saying we should speak up and needed to be heard for years. this is because we have support we actually feel safe with and finally decided we're fucking tired. we didn’t speak simply because she put out some silly little document. she only added to the fucking misery that everyone else has brought on about this! 

this is for ourselves!! thanks! and goodbye! - =D

[fanfic-lover-girl]

Taking Gryffindors and Their Stans to Court

So I thought it would be fun to compile a list of crimes committed by various Gryffindor characters, especially the ones I have seen stans blatantly glorify or condone. This is also fueled by the narrative ignoring how horrific these actions are as well. For each, I will provide the definition of the crime as listed in British law (hyperlink provided in the crime category), cite the guilty parties and cite some of the flimsy defences provided by stans. The characters include, but are not limited to:

Hermione Granger

Weasley twins

Marauders (especially James Potter and Sirius Black)

Rubeus Hagrid

Professor McGonagall

This post will be a work in progress so I will add as I go along. Please feel free to add as well. Also, I am not a legal expert so do not expect these categories to be 100% accurate despite my doing my best. Here I go!

Crime: Sexual Harassment

The Equality Act 2010 says someone sexually harasses another person if they:

Engage in unwanted conduct of a sexual nature and

The conduct has the purpose or effect of either violating the other person’s dignity or creating an intimidating, hostile, degrading, humiliating or offensive environment for them.

Guilty parties: James Potter and other marauders as accomplices (Snape's Worst Memory, Book 5)

But too late; Snape had directed his wand straight at James; there was a flash of light and a gash appeared on the side of James’s face, spattering his robes with blood. James whirled about: a second flash of light later, Snape was hanging upside-down in the air, his robes falling over his head to reveal skinny, pallid legs and a pair of greying underpants. Many people in the small crowd cheered; Sirius, James and Wormtail roared with laughter.

There was another flash of light, and Snape was once again hanging upside-down in the air. ‘Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?’

Said by Marauder/James stans:

Snape was a future DE so he deserved it; ie. future criminals/bullies deserve to be bullied before they commit said crime. Someone had to bully Snape.

What James did was not sexual harassment

Snape is a guy so he can't be sexually harassed

I hate Snape so I love seeing him hurt and in pain (perfectly valid reason, we can hate who we want. still listing it though)

Boys will be boys. The marauders are just teenage boys joking around.

In that period, what James did was not illegal

Snape called Lily a mudblood so he deserved it

Snape attacked James so he deserved it

Crime: Kidnapping

The legal definition of kidnapping is to take someone unwillingly and then keep them illegally imprisoned without their valid consent. The latter is normally done with motive, such as financial gain in the form of a ransom.

Guilty parties: Hermione Granger (The Beginning, Book 4)

‘Oh, not electronic bugs,’ said Hermione. ‘No, you see … Rita Skeeter’ – Hermione’s voice trembled with quiet triumph – ‘is an unregistered Animagus. She can turn –’ Hermione pulled a small sealed glass jar out of her bag. ‘– into a beetle.’

Said by Hermione stans:

Rita deserved it for being a sleazy journalist and saying mean things about her and her friends

Rita deserved it by committing a crime first as an illegal animagus. So she has no leverage against Hermione.

Crime: Child Cruelty (Or Child Endangerment/Abuse)

The offence in section 1 of the 1933 Act is committed where a person over the age of 16, who has responsibility for a child under that age, wilfully assaults, illtreats, neglects, abandons, or exposes that child in a manner likely to cause ‘unnecessary suffering or injury to health including any mental derangement’.

Guilty parties: Prof Minerva McGonagall (Snape’s Grudge, Book 3)

Professor McGonagall was so furious with him she had banned him from all future Hogsmeade visits, given him a detention and forbidden anyone to give him the password into the Tower. Poor Neville was forced to wait outside the common room every night for somebody to let him in . . .

Context: An alleged mass murderer (Sirius Black) was on the loose 🫠

Said by McGonagall stans:

She's just strict

Crime: Assault

An assault is any act (and not mere omission to act) by which a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to suffer or apprehend immediate unlawful violence.

Guilty parties:

Rubeus Hagrid (The Keeper of the Keys, Book 1)

He brought the umbrella swishing down through the air to point at Dudley — there was a flash of violet light, a sound like a firecracker, a sharp squeal and next second, Dudley was dancing on the spot with his hands clasped over his fat bottom, howling in pain. When he turned his back on them, Harry saw a curly pig’s tail poking through a hole in his trousers. ... ‘Oh, well — I was at Hogwarts meself but I — er — got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wand in half an’ everything.’

Fred & George Weasley (Back to the Burrow, Book 4 & Snape's Worst Memory, Grawp;Book 5) - two for the price of one lol

Dudley was no longer standing behind his parents. He was kneeling beside the coffee table, and he was gagging and spluttering on a foot-long, purple, slimy thing that was protruding from his mouth. One bewildered second later, Harry realised that the foot-long thing was Dudley’s tongue — and that a brightly coloured toffee-wrapper lay on the floor before him.

‘Yeah, Montague tried to do us during break,’ said George. ‘What do you mean, “tried”?’ said Ron quickly. ‘He never managed to get all the words out,’ said Fred, ‘due to the fact that we forced him head-first into that Vanishing Cabinet on the first floor.’ ‘Not until Montague reappears, and that could take weeks, I dunno where we sent him,’ said Fred coolly. ‘Anyway … we’ve decided we don’t care about getting into trouble any more.’

To cap matters, Montague had still not recovered from his sojourn in the toilet; he remained confused and disorientated and his parents were to be observed one Tuesday morning striding up the front drive, looking extremely angry.

Hermione Granger (Felix Felicis, Book 6)

‘Oppugno!’ came a shriek from the doorway. Harry spun round to see Hermione pointing her wand at Ron, her expression wild: the little flock of birds was speeding like a hail of fat golden bullets towards Ron, who yelped and covered his face with his hands, but the birds attacked, pecking and clawing at every bit of flesh they could reach.

Said by Hagrid stans:

Like with Minerva, I don't see Hagrid stans or regular fans bringing this up. But crimes against the Dursleys are usually justified by the fandom due to their being abusive to Harry.

Said by Weasley twins stans:

The Dursleys were abusive to Harry so Dudley deserved it.

Dudley brought it on himself by eating it. The twins did not force him to eat it.

It was just a joke - harmless fun (for both crimes)

They did not know what the cabinet would do

They did not intend to almost kill Montague

Montague deserved it because HE WAS TAKING HOUSE POINTS (***INSERT RAGE!!!!***)

The twins are just mischievous. They are so funny!

Said by Hermione/Romione stans:

It was just a mistake

Hermione has anger issues. She's just a teenage girl.

Hermione was distraught. She didn't mean it.

Ron deserved it for hurting queen Hermione.

Ron doesn't care so why do you?

Romione is the best HP ship ever. All ships have rough patches.

No matter what Hermione does, I will always ship her with Ron. The other options are not good for her.

I will pause here because I can feel my blood pressure rising. I don't really have beef with anyone, I just don't like seeing these takes on my dash or these responses on my anti blog posts. I have no control over people's opinions and I doubt more than a handful of people care about mine.

Will continue next time on Taking Gryffindors and Their Stans to Court!

PS. All attempts to deflect by pointing the finger at other characters like Draco Malfoy, DEs, Severus Snape etc will be ignored. This is about JKR's darlings who apparently can do no wrong and the stans who shamelessly justify violence.

[quill-is-brainstorming]

Here are some completely random fun facts about Odysseus' family from various myths:

His grandfather, Autolycus (meaning "the wolf itself", pretty badass) , was a shape-shifting trickster, also known as "the king of all thiefs", with the ability to change the shape of random objects he stole and was also the direct son of Hermes (originally he was just some dude Hermes liked, post-Odyssey he was changed to be his son. I'd say both versions are equally accepted though the son thing wasn't there from the beginning).

Autolycus was also the sworn rival of King Sysyphus, who you might know as that one guy who escaped death and whose punishment for it was pushing a rock for eternity, or that very nice guy from Tartarus in Hades. Autolycus used to steal Sysyphus' cattle and when the latter finally managed to find tangible proof of his guilt he did the only sensible thing he could think of.

He fucked his daughter.

As one does.

As I'm saying this I really want you guys to imagine the Sysyphus from Hades doing all this. Because I find it fucking hilarious.

Also btw, said daughter is named Anticleia and in her youth she was apparantly a companion to Artemis. Absolutely pop off queen.

So Yada Yada time skip and Anticleia promptly moves on from Sysyphus to Laertes of Ithaca, they get married and soon after a baby boy is born. And by soon I mean, pretty soon after. Suspiciously soon after...I think you know where I'm going with this.

YEP, there are some myths where instead of being the son of Laertes, Odysseus is the son of Sysyphus, yet the absolute gigachad that is Laertes still raised the baby as his own.

Now, myths are everything but consistent, and much like Autolycus beings Hermes' son, this connection with Sysyphus was likely added post-Odyssey, meaning that even if this variation of the myth exists, Odysseus was still widely seen as Laertes' biological son and it's pretty safe to say that he's exactly that in both the Iliad and the Odyssey.

Why did I tell you all this then?

Because it's fanfiction material and I want people to use it.

Sooooo, the baby is born and it's time to give him a name, and the one to do just that is Autolycus, for whatever reason. I mean from what I've read Anticleia actually insisted he named him, so yeah, not super important but I still felt like it was worth mentioning.

So Autolycus cradles his new infant grandson, he looks him in his small baby eyes and says: "You know, I pissed off a fuck ton of people during my life, like really a lot of peeps, so I think I'm gonna name him Hateful."

You think I'm joking but this is kinda how it actually went.

The name Odysseus actually means "To Hate", and yeah, Autolycus specifically chooses it because he himself pissed off a lot of people.

And yeah, that's pretty much it really.

I mean I guess there's the fact that Odysseus got his famous leg scar while hunting with his grandpa, but that's stuff you can read directly on the Odyssey anyway. I just wanted to shine a light on the sheer badassery of this family.

So yeah.

Oh also there are certain myths that say that Homer was Telemachus' son through Nestor's youngest daughter and I think that's kinda neat honestly.

(The girl in question SHOULD be Polycaste, thought some people said it was a different daughter that was apparantly not among the original roster of Nestor's kids which probably means she was written in many years later. Telemachus' love life is actually a bit of a mess really, even putting whatever the hell the Telegony is aside, he's still got at least 3 other possible wives, them being Polycaste, Nausicaa and even Calypso. There is also this one line from the Odyssey where Polycaste bathes him and some people apparantly interpreted it as them banging and it's said she eventually gave birth to a boy named Perseptolis. But yeah, the boy's a womanizer.)

Aaaaand yeah, that's pretty much it.

So what did we learn today? Well, in Odysseus' family the badassery is hereditary it seems.

[not-goldy]

So you are very ok with JK given everything by the company while Jimin is mistreated af ? You said JK AND JM. But what JM is getting ? Dust ?

Just like JK, you are being greedy only wanting him to the succeed while JM is always ignored by the company. But ofcourse JK is successful so you are ok with JM being his trophy husband, who works hard but with restricted success and won't go above JK, isn't it ?

I'm open to discussing the various ways in which one member's career could be hyped up more or invested into more by us or their company. I'm open to discussing all the ways in which their company could be abusing them or the ways in which they aren't being treated fairly.

What I would not do is hate on another member just because while secretly yearning for what he has for my bias. That's bad karma so you are on your own.

I can't and don't need to hate Jungkook in order to love Jimin.

I can't wish evil for Jungkook in order to wish well for Jimin. I'M NOT DERANGED NOR SLOW LIKE THAT.

They can both be successful artists, their individual successes don't take away from each other's.

They can both be great

They can both coexist as icons.

There's so much room and space for them to inhabit as they each speak to unique demographics. Different talents, different audiences.

I don't need to bring one down to lift one up. You are weird for that shit.

Also these are SOLO artists which presupposes they have separate deals and contractual rights and obligations with the company and I'm tired of explaining this over and over- get yourself some legal education will you.

They are both free to contract and if they are not happy with their contracts they can sue the company.

I'm okay with Hybe performing and fulfilling their obligations under their contract with Jungkook. If that contract stipulates they give all their resources to him then that's what they must do.

Jimin needs a better lawyer to negotiate a better deal for him then if the contract is not serving him because believe it or not hybe is not a charity and they don't operate outside the limits set by their contracts🙄

We know this because they refuse to get into matters that fall within the privacy clause of their artists and as Jimin said, even the food they give them comes straight out of the artist's pay.

We can talk about the different value they place on each member - which of course, they don't place the same value on the members equally. Some are valued more than others. But we been knew that. It's been that way since day one.

It's business though. Nothing personal. Companies do take risks on others more so than others because they look for different things in artists and have specific target markets in mind from the get go.

It's the reason Jungkook may not work well for Dior but Jimin does. They are unique brands and require unique artist's brand as well.

It's up to that artist and their fans to prove them right or wrong- which us and Jimin keep doing every single day. Let's focus on that. The more we sell out, the more numbers we have the better for his market value.

Jungkook is the GOLDEN MAKNAE. he has that going for him. You can't take that away from him. He's managed to capture a portion of the market that most music companies struggle to break through. He could well be the next Justin Beiber or the JB of Kpop but then again he is his own person and a unique phenomenon on his own just as BTS.

Don't underestimate his influence. Don't make that mistake.

He has all the qualities that makes A GLOBAL POP ARTIST and right now there is a gap in that market. I have several posts on this explaining this phenomenon please find any and read for further clarification on my other blog.

Btw, Jimin stans are mostly adults most of whom are lawyers and legal practitioners with the JDs and shit who understand the ins and outs of the entertainment industry. Get real and quit embarrassing us💀💀💀💀

[sukunasbabygirl]

I can imagine this ver of shibuya is a MAJOR wake-up call to sukuna

In the worst possible way, and he takes that wake-up call in an even worse direction.

I should probably establish some things about Swap Sukuna actually, as it’s important to how he handles Shibuya, both during and afterwards.

He’s technically a part of a minor but still well-known Jujutsu Clan, but was abandoned at birth and left to die. Fortunately, he was found and raised by Uraume instead, who, aware of his nature as a vessel for their master, never really treated him as a child. He was placed upon a pedestal since youth, separated from his peers as something inherently better than them, always ten steps ahead. For this reason, he was a lonely child, but if being lonely meant being strong, he didn’t really care.

Love was a foreign concept to him, it has no value or importance in his life, so he liked to claim, and it stayed that way until he started at Jujutsu Tech.

He’s then forced to confront the fact that he’s not a God, that he’s allowed to have these feelings, all throughout various interactions with his classmates and teachers. Nanami especially leaves an impression on him, being the first adult figure in his life to remind him he’s a child, and there’s nothing wrong with that. It doesn’t mean he listens at first, but it does echo in his mind a lot.

He’s still an arrogant asshole with a minor god complex, but he gradually learns to be a little more open, more considerate, more human. He allows himself to be weak around these people who he views as strong, as his equals, and most importantly, as his friends.

This happens over months, it’s not an instant process, and when Shibuya happens, he’s barely even a 1/4 of the way through this positive character development.

Shibuya reminds him what happens to those who are weak.

He let his guard down, forgot the cruelty of the world he was living in, and so it hits him all at once. He, who was raised to believe he was one of the strongest, capable of walking alongside Satoru Gojo, is forced into a situation where he’s entirely helpless. For the first time in his life, he actually feels like a kid, and he hates it.

At the start, he’s confident, maybe even a little too cocky, but by the end he’s exhausted, probably the most worn down he’s ever felt in his life. His first experience with guilt was with Junpei, but at least he could bury that. This level of guilt? He can’t. So, he lies to himself and lie to others, he pretends to be proud of the destruction and the death, and he claims it as his own. The humanity he began to embrace, he tosses aside, deems it a worthless endeavour. That’s the basic gist of it anyway.

Before Shibuya, his arc is positive, after Shibuya, it’s negative. If Yuji is the curse that pretends to be human, then Sukuna is the human that pretends to be a curse.

You know, the best way to summarise literally anything that happens with Swapkuna is just: “unfortunately, he’s still a Sukuna-“

[anonymousbeefriendfanfics]

Trick or treat for yknow who haha. Zoya and Langley

You have been.... Treated!

Trick-or-treat here!

Zoya probably never celebrated Halloween, because I don't see her being very big on holidays when it's just her. There's no point.

But. But! Halloween and Christmas are 100% big holidays with the Legion because of Horo. Even though she would probably try to insist she's a big girl now and doesn't need to go trick-or-treating like a child anymore, I can still see her being the one to bring up a Halloween party to Zoya. Of course, she says no at first, because they have bigger problems, but seeing how excited Horo gets over the prospect... well, how can she resist?

After being brought into the MBCC, of course, Horo and some equally-energetic Sinners (EMP and Hella, just to name a couple) are celebrating in full-swing, and Zoya... well, she doesn't care, or so she says. She won't admit it, but she misses the little Legion Halloween parties.

Ask her to dress up with you, especially in some sort of couple's (or group/polycule) costume? She just laughs, but keep at it, because she'll relent faster than you expect her to. She pretends to hate it because of various reasons, ranging from it being uncomfortable to too restricting or a 'useless' waste of time and resources, but she also has to hide her smile when you drag her in front of a mirror.

She will absolutely escort the younger Sinners to go trick-or-treating with you, if you request it of her. She'll pretend to be bored, sure, but you know her well enough to see the light in her eyes as she watches them run around in their costumes and fight over candy. She doesn't even protest when Horo shoves a chocolate bar into her hand, just smiles warmly and thanks her before taking a bite and offering the next one to you.

Now, as much fun as that is, it's not quite Zoya's style, and she would much prefer a more adult-themed party. One with alcohol, preferably, where dirty jokes and foul language are allowed and she can relax and let loose without having to worry about setting a bad example for the younger ones who look up to her.

Langley, on the other hand, loves Halloween! It's probably her favorite holiday, though she doesn't get to celebrate it as much as she likes with how busy the 9th agency always stays.

She will always have an officer or two stationed outside the building or in some nearby location with a large bowl of candy to hand out to trick-or-treaters. She herself will come down at least once to relieve them for a break if she isn't away on an assignment, just so she can have the opportunity to hand out the treats to the little ones. As busy as she is, she can spare ten minutes once a year, right? She's not big on kids, but there's something about seeing them on Halloween that soothes her soul.

She doesn't have much time for decorating but I feel like she enjoys it nevertheless, and throws a few simple decorations around the office in October. She'd love to decorate more elaborately, but there just isn't the time for such things.

She also throws a Halloween party every year - probably two, truthfully, because they're always too busy to stop working, so half her team will work while half parties, and then the next weekend, they switch off. She takes good care of her employees and parties like this are a must to let loose and have some fun every once and a while! They all work too hard, especially Langley herself.

I feel like she's the type who always has candy in her bag around October so she can randomly reward her subordinates by handing them a piece just to enjoy the baffled looks on their faces. She definitely finds out your favorite type of candy or treat and makes a point of hiding them for you in random places. She probably does this occasionally year-round but October especially is when she steps up the hiding game.

She also definitely buys all of the Sinners their preferred candies/treats for Halloween once she's shackled, just because she can and she enjoys seeing them so happy.

Also. You know Langley is the queen of costumes. She has the resources, of course, so she always has the most elaborate, beautiful costume. She always looks nice but she'll absolutely take the opportunity to dress up and look even better. Honestly she's probably the one to suggest a couple costume with you. I don't know what it'll be, but suffice to say it will be spectacular and it'll fit you perfectly. It'll be very tasteful and elegant, though!

Writing Masterlist 🐝 Requests Open!  Tag List 🐝 

[writteninscarlet]

Please dont take this as hate, but this is some criticism and I like to think its constructive. You're ships don't make sense to me. I think they seem Out of Character. I think Wanda seems needy and weak. She's acting far too soft, and I don't think it'ss a way anyone would like or want from her. It seems to me like it's pushying the ships onto others, the way she acts seems overly flirtatious. People are just being kind.

‘Don’t take this as hate’ is always a good way to start things.

Everyone writes characters differently; for various reasons. I love the other Wanda’s out there. I think they all capture a great part of her essence, I’m sure I could direct you to others who are brilliant writers and love the character.

This is roleplay. We take what we want, remove things we don’t. We write the character as we see them. So it is very subjective.

It is honestly always a fear that I push ships onto people. But I hope I’m not doing that here and frankly I think I could list just on one hand the ships Wanda has. She’s a ‘friend’ or ‘mum’ figure in lots of things, a constant friendship type person. But that’s fine. She’s more than a ‘love figure’. I love exploring relationship of all kinds. But even if all my threads were romantic? Maybe that’s just how it goes! If someone personally feels I’m pushing Wanda onto them (and this I guess the reason I’m answering this?) please just let me know. I don’t bite and I know how to back off. Honestly, I enjoy ships. I also worry now because this is like the fourth or fifth ask I’ve had about this and I don’t really know… like what to change?

She IS sweet and affectionate, she can also be tough and stubborn and arrogant. Wanda is a big family/friend person. She will be soft. As in real life softness, politeness, and friendliness doesn’t always equal flirting. And I feel like the ships I do have are built up. They come from threads, memes, talking ooc… I love to chat about Wanda and sometimes things grow from that.

My Wanda is my Wanda and I’m not sure how else I would write her.

[onewholivesinloops]

Gou/Sotsu: Satoko sacrifices her childhood and goes along with Rika’s dream twice, only to be betrayed both times despite laying out her issues clearly the second time, she then tried to give Rika an ultimatum and asked her to choose between herself and the school, but Rika stubbornly answered by saying that she wants to have both, so Satoko tried to repeatedly convince, and change things, and respond in various ways, and tell Rika that she didn’t want to go and Rika repeatedly fought her and insisted she wanted Satoko to go with her. She’s suicidal and committed suicide numerous times because none of those worlds were ones she could imagine ever living in, as her only choices were to be alone or get dragged by Rika into a school where she’d be inevitably abandoned and suffer through horrific abuse. She was also shown Rika’s one hundred years of looping but specifically only the worst and most violent parts, which made her become even more disillusioned with Rika and her friends. Eua only gave her this power against her consent then subtly enabled her worst coping mechanisms to lead her down this path.

Meguri: the first thing Satoko decided to do after gaining the ability to loop was letting Rika go, and then everything went wrong for no reason whatsoever other than the fact that an evil god interfered and re-wrote fragments to end in tragedy. She kept making all the correct choices, but she was practically bullied into becoming a witch by arbitrary means.

Gou/Sotsu Satoko's downfall is actually impactful to me because it's Satoko actively making choices due to established character flaws that lead to this outcome.

"WHY DID SATOKO NOT TRY THE VERY OBVIOUS CHOICE OF JUST LETTING GO OF RIKA AND NOT GOING TO ST. LUCIA" it’s called having character flaws and conflict. Satoko has abandonment issues and can't imagine living in a world without the girl she loves, but she also doesn't want to go to a place where she’s actively abused and mistreated. It also triggers every childhood trauma she has. Rika is also equally codependent and doesn’t want to go without Satoko, but she also doesn’t want to stay in Hinamizawa because being trapped there for a hundred years was traumatizing for her and she wants to be somewhere different.

Whenever people talk about how Meguri is the better story because “it at least makes Satoko more sympathetic and understandable” it comes off as really shallow to me because it seems like they’re only capable of sympathizing with her when she suffers comically on-screen. Meguri Satoko doesn’t even feel like Satoko anymore because she has none of Satoko’s flaws that make her such an interesting character, and people don’t want to put the effort into understanding Gou/Sotsu Satoko because she’s very human and she’s a real abuse victim who doesn’t fit the image of the ideal victim acting out so people hate her.

The more I think about it the more I realize there is nothing tragic about Satoko's backstory in Meguri. It’s just a series of randomly generated bad ends that say nothing about the characters involved, as opposed to Gou/Sotsu Satoko who was constraining herself and not seeing other viable options due to her flaws and trauma. I wanted to believe those bad ends in Meguri were being pulled out of Satoko’s psyche somehow but I’ve lost faith in the writing after Tatariakashi because the story just never feels like it’s saying anything.

This is tangentially related, and I talked about this before, but one thing about the way Sayo is written that really resonates with me and I think that's something a lot of such people wouldn't like (and evidently plenty of them don't considering many people were angry about this in Umineko and that's part of the reason the the manga is very explicit about things, which is neat in its own right and Confession of the Golden Witch makes me emotional even if I'm not fond of how direct it gets at some points) is how she's only willing to reveal her heart to those who are willing to put the effort to truly understand her and connect with her on a deeper level, as well as the fact that she’s unwilling to divulge things she doesn’t want the others to know.

The way the narrative is very protective of that in the way it gives you enough to piece everything together but hides the most vulnerable sides of her is something I really like. Even in her tale in episode 7 Sayo refuses to show the severity with which she was hurt or the explicit reasons. She’d rather have the chance to for the anger she never had before. It's very respectful and intimate portrayal. And it's why Bern trying to forcibly reveal the most sensitive parts because she feels entitled to them reads as very scummy and vile (and it also reads like a forced coming out too?). I think this probably hits hard for me for personal reasons, but I also feel like Satoko in Gou/Sotsu is written in a similar way? She has a lot of feelings that she's unwilling to speak out loud, but if you understand her in the original and understand what's shown in the show and read into thematic parallels with other characters like Rena and Mion you can clearly see how layered she is?

Personally I just think it's more satisfying when you need to put effort into understanding flawed, complicated characters because it's like this in the real world. And it's why people only sympathizing with Satoko after seeing her suffer a comical amount in such a way feels very shallow, because in real life you're not going to gain access to random people's tragic backstories.

[bibiana112]

Kinda weird question- do you have any links to people talking about Mira from ZTD and ableist stereotypes? I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with her portrayal but kinda fumbled it and made some other ND people in chat uncomfortable. I searched for various keyword combinations but most of what I'm finding is like "and not to mention the ableism with Mira" and doesn't elaborate lol.

Not weird at all! And uh, you see, there's a recent post I made where what I complain about is the very fact I've never seen anyone post too in-depth about her at all, I'd love to see posts that do elaborate on that but I do not have any that I know of right now, sorry :/ hopefully someone else who sees this can point to one? Okay!! After some tag searches I have found exactly one post who kind of gets into it I like this take still would love to see. more than just one but hooray

And like though I complain I couldn't elaborate much on it myself I don't think, I believe most of the posts people make about Saito from aitsf would apply since it's a different uchikoshi take on the very same trope of "emotionless characters who cannot function without killing others" I guess he's a worse portrayal though since she's at least not stated to get reward brain chemicals when killing people and I guess her case also has the added layer of "femme fatale" to it? Which either makes it less bad or worse depending on where you approach it from As I said I am not doing a good job of being coherent on this oh and also there's her being "redeemed" and "cured" in the epilogue which in on itself is kinda not great to imply it just goes away like that and honestly I personally don't even buy it I think she'd just be like oh okay Akane over here has like a thousand reasons to hate me after all that oh and what's that she's the leader of a super wealthy underground organization who's organized one of these death traps before yeah no I'm better off going to prison I'll be fine there lmao bye

But I'll say as an autistic person with relatively low empathy I usually see a character who just doesn't understand other people's feelings and wants to feel them too and is just trying to survive despite getting no help and I just kinda go hm. yeah. shout-out to roxas kingdom hearts shout out to mary from ib shout out that's why I started hyperfixating on media art helps me with understanding others a great lot and Mira is just in a story too badly executed for me to care or even begin to wrap my head around tbh like god she's so fucking terribly used as a plot device in every conceivable way that it makes it difficult to see past it and into what she could possibly be if it weren't for the stereotype of equalling low empathy with no compassion what's with her killing off screen in ways that wildly deviate from her stated m.o? why or how was she even in cahoots with Zero why was that a thing? Honestly her dynamic with Sean could have been better fleshed out could have done something interesting about robot child and his aspd big sis but we just kind of don't get any attention brought to the subject of emotions and the authenticity there of except for the "reveal"...

YOU KNOW WHAT that's probably one huge reason it feels so fucked up actually! Like the whole fucking game is written so you could experience it in whatever order you want and therefore Mira being a serial killer at all is something that though not very well hidden it also cannot be a topic of discussion or explored Ever ever because the player may not have seen the fragment where that is revealed yet- problem being the menu design of that game sucks so bad and practically everyone gravitates towards the same few more interesting looking thumbnails first and then the rest is kinda just there, I mean that is part of the reason A Lot of characters feel half-baked I think but also I think it definitely does impact perception of her character specifically probably The Most and then there's just the general not being given nuance not being able to see the minutiae of how that disorder manifests in her character aside from the killings about how she acts aside from being overly flirty trying to lure in Eric but that affects pretty much all of the new cast we don't have last names and in her case we barely have any backstory at all like Saito is a harmful stereotype sure but we get So Much Context for him that people still love talking about him and delving into different aspects of his life since we have that very well telegraphed in the narrative meanwhile for Mira all we can do is fill in the blanks guesswork that only highlights the worst aspects of the surface level portrayal we got and ultimately that people just don't care enough to dissect because there isn't much there character wise once you remove it

[fantastic-nonsense]

@wahbegan: why do you hate Jason/Babs so much? I mean tbh Three Jokers was the only time i'd ever seen it in any capacity [x]

This required an answer that was longer than the replies would let me give, and forgive me if it comes off as a bit snippy, but basically: it's a ship that is directly an outgrowth of comic creators being misogynistic and shopping Barbara around to every male Batfamily member in her radius because DC refused to allow her the same consideration in her romantic relationships that they gave for the male Bats and refused to allow more than one woman to exist within the Batfam. It's gross and the reason it exists is blatantly sexist.

Jason/Babs is a relationship that is entirely predicated on "giving Jason a love interest" rather than respecting Barbara as an individual character outside of her potential to be paired with whichever Batboy the writers like best that week. It's a situation where she was considered an empty vessel to be paired with whoever was convenient because she was the only major female Bat character allowed to exist during the New 52 era (besides Kate Kane, who's explicitly lesbian and was therefore Not An Option).

The decision to tease them as a potential couple happened during a period of time when DC was quite literally passing Babs around between the male Batfam members. In various pieces of comics and non-comics media over a three year period, she flirted with/dated Dick, Jason Todd, Luke Fox, Jason Bard, Ethan Cobblepot, Tim (in the Arkham games), and Bruce (in Bruce Timm's DCAU-adjacent Killing Joke movie). This is despite Babs usually being DECADES older than Jason and Tim and DC's dramatic de-aging of her during the New 52 being the only reason she was even remotely within an acceptable age range to potentially date Jason in the first place.

Writers largely did not give Babs equal treatment in any of these relationships, even the ones portrayed within her own book (Dick, Luke, Jason Bard, and Ethan). She was either a reward to be handed to whichever Batboy a writer wanted to do a love plot with, a way to create "shared angst and bonding potential" so the writer could focus on a male Bat's trauma, or subject to a carousel of dating subplots that had very little to do with her actual desires or character development. Writers just wanted to pair her with someone, so they grabbed the nearest available Bat-adjacent character whether it made any sense for Babs or not.

Barbara is traditionally over a decade older than Jason (since she's 4-6 years older than Dick depending on the retcon and Jason is 6-ish years younger than Dick); she, as a grown adult and full-time librarian, canonically tutored Jason before his death when he was 15. The fact that she was ever considered a viable love interest for Jason in the first place has its roots in the misogynistic de-aging of Babs in the reboot and the stupid-ass nonsense DC was perpetuating at the time about giving Jason all of Dick's old friends and teammates and love interests to hang around with. It was transposing Dick onto Jason in an attempt to do something interesting narratively with Jason rather than actually caring about Barbara as a character in literally any capacity. It's also not a relationship that makes sense in any way other than "ooooooh we need to give Jason a girlfriend who understands his ~trauma~. Let's pair him up with the other Bat who's been fucked over by the Joker!" Disregarding...you know, the myriad reasons why that's a shitty basis for a romantic relationship.

tl;dr: editorial and writer misogyny via using Babs as a shipping bicycle and reward for whichever male Batboy editorial likes best this week is bad, actually. Therefore, I hate Jason/Babs even conceptually because it does not consider what Barbara might want or need out of a relationship nor is it a relationship that was ever about her; it was strictly about what might be "cool" or "interesting" within the concept of Jason's story and the result of various writers trying to do something with Jason and make him interesting by giving him a potential girlfriend who "understood his trauma." Thankfully, it never truly manifested in any way other than flirting and some insinuations (except in Three Jokers, the original book under discussion), but we will all be better off when even the concept is dead and buried.

[utilitycaster]

I feel like something so many ppl just don’t get is it’s improv. I’ll see ppl be like “I hate this arc” or “this dragged on” I’m like?? If you want to watch a curated tight fantasy story with a normal beginning middle and end maybe don’t watch long form improv media? Also maybe I’m just fundamentally misunderstanding what ur post is about. I’ll constantly think and say “it’s their game” not as a “they’re above criticism” way but more in a “cmon it’s not like this is a script that’s being poured over by ten ppl sitting in a room debating whether this 30 seconds drags or not”. Like I love Play it By Ear from Dropout but I’d never hold it to the same standard as like Six the musical or whatever. Improv/normal media requires a completely different rule set for criticism imo

Hey anon,

So here's the thing - I agree with this in terms of formal, published criticism (Ebert's Law, if you will) where you are, to an extent, grading on a scale; you should be judging on what the work is trying to achieve and not some abstract ideal that applies equally to all works regardless of provenance.

However, for personal discussion (including your own personal Tumblr blog)? This is totally irrelevant. You're allowed to dislike things, whether it's a 30 minute improvised musical or whether it's the Marriage of Figaro, for any reason. It is 100% valid for someone to look at the Mona Lisa and say "eh, doesn't do it for me," and, moreover, it's just as valid for them to say "it doesn't do it for me because I don't care for representative art and prefer abstract, modern works, but Da Vinci's sfumato technique is indeed masterful" as to say "It doesn't do it for me because it's fucking weird to me that she doesn't have eyebrows." People's enjoyment of a work is not necessarily reliant on effort put in or how much the artist cares about - it should be based on how much the art appeals to them.

It's fine if people hate an arc. If they hate it so much that they aren't able to enjoy watching, then I think they should probably stop watching...but that's a choice for them to make, and as someone who loves complaining, I've talked about arcs dragging and had it interpreted by total strangers as "you clearly seem to hate this" when really it was just a case of me...not liking some aspects of a larger whole, and choosing to talk about that because I had things to say. Like, I do think the early Campaign 3 pacing was deeply frustrating, and I do think that this wouldn't be the case if it weren't improv, but there have been many improv actual plays that I felt had great pacing, and also it was still frustrating to me and I wanted to express that.

In fact, what I was getting at in my post is that if you're trying to provide a counterpoint to other people's criticism, you need to focus on the points they're making; and if you're trying to defend something in general, you need to be talking about what you find good that is specific to that thing, rather than making excuses like "the cast likes it" or "it's improv".

To give an example: I love the Aeor arc, which was, to an extent, divisive. Here's two responses I could have:

"I think the Aeor arc built up to a satisfying and emotionally charged final boss fight that was thematically resonant with the Mighty Nein as a group. I think the path there had a good balance of adventure, combat, and RP scenes, especially given its position as the final arc of the campaign and the one in which many of the character romances were realized. Eiselcross was a fun and well-crafted environment that was challenging for a party of their level, and Aeor provided new insight into the Calamity, which at the time had not been explored in depth, while also providing a lot of opportunities to tie into the arcs of the various individual characters, notably Caleb and Caduceus. I also personally am a big fan of exploring fallen technologically advanced civilizations in a fantasy setting as a trope."

2. "Well, it's the cast's table, and it's improvised."

Both are true, but the first one lets people know what I see in that arc and why I love it. The second one ends the conversation, is true of almost everything Critical Role does, probably doesn't address anyone else's complaints, and doesn't even explain why I like it. And for what it's worth I don't think meta needs to address anyone's complaints - you're allowed to look at the Aeor arc and say "cool, I think it took too long and dragged and was too stressful" and we can part ways knowing we are different people with different tastes. But if I were, hypothetically, passionately trying to defend the Aeor arc and were openly resentful towards people who disliked it, the first option is obviously superior to the second option, which makes me look like someone who cannot come up with a single specific reason why this thing I allegedly love is good, and who is whining because I lack the maturity to accept that my opinions are not universally shared by all.

[majorbaby]

as someone who has Feelings about House (I was watching it when I became disabled so oof), do spill the House takes?

Gregory House is a relic of early 2000s, vaguely Dane-Cookian, edgelord-style comedy so it's somewhat amusing to watch tumblr blorbify him. It gives me the sense that people are unaware that he's the type to unironically say, "I'm not racist, I hate all races equally". Blorbofication seems to to really rely on projecting on a character, or identifying with them, and House is a character who should be blorbofied with care. Of course you can identify with a character that makes poor choices and behaves badly while simultaneously condemning those actions IRL, but honestly, there seems to be a lot of irony-turned-sincere in the "asshole (affectionate)" sector of various fandoms these days and the push to rehabilitate House in fanwork so that he's a better person leaves me with a lot of questionmarks.

the rest of this is beneath a cut because it got super super long, sorry about that!

Here's one thing I do like about him: sometimes his unabashed assholery allowed House to do and say more progressive things than any heroic protagonist could ever say on television at the time, because radical speech is almost always an affront to the status quo. House could be pro-choice, staunchly atheist and practically allergic to any kind of traditional romantic relationship, and this was all acceptable to audiences because House is intentionally written as an asshole.

He's still an asshole though, in plenty of ways that aren't cute or excusable. The show and the character are plenty misogynist, racist, homophobic and yeah, House is disabled himself, but he's also ableist towards his patients. I'm not pointing these things out to say "don't watch this show because it's bad" but they're also unavoidable truths about the show. It's not subtle at all either, and it extends to production. House MD is famous for its wacky plotlines and doctors committing all kinds of medical malpractice or outright felonies, with the exception of Foreman who got less material because, as House would put it, "black guy". This kind of works out for Foreman because by virtue of getting much less material beyond "only sane man" or "voice of reason" or "endlessly patient with his racist boss", he's the most normal of the cast, and it made sense for him to succeed Cuddy at the end of the series. Every woman on the show exhibits saint-like patience towards him. Cuddy, Cameron and Thirteen could've collaborated to quietly murder this guy and I'd be shocked (well. would I??? this show did some truly wacky things) but I can't say I'd feel a terrible amount of sympathy.

The issue I have with a lot of the recent fic and headcanonry around the show is this "healed by love" trope that I keep seeing pop up. House's most basic traits are that he's 1) brilliant and 2) an asshole. The show asks over and over whether or not House will ever change, and the answer is always no. If he's rehabilitated, he is no longer Gregory House. Like, write what you want but why write House if he's not going to be an asshole? Or if you are going to rehabilitate him, understand that there's 8 seasons of television that deliberately, consistently portray him as being a lost cause in terms of positive character development. I've seen the claim that he's "good disabled rep" and like, on its face I agree with that. House is in pain 24/7, his brain functions differently from other people, he struggles in social interactions, he wants to be loved in spite of knowing he is hard to love, he tries to do better but he repeatedly fails. All of these experiences have a place in fiction, but rehabilitating him revokes that place.

More specific to my own blog, I've encountered a few posts comparing beejhawk to hilson and that's on its face ridiculous. Even if we disagree that Hawkeye is a good person, MASH frames him as a good person whereasHouse is a bad person who is framed as a bad person. I'm more ambiguous towards the Wilson-BJ comparison, but at least Wilson is canonically shown to possess some of the traits that are commonly assigned to BJ within fanwork. House and Hawkeye on the other hand... like Hawkeye and Wilson have more in common with one another, Wilson being compassionate and communicative towards his friends and patients, including House when House isn't being particularly likeable (there actually might be a bit of BJ in House, lol).

imo, it's part of a trend of homogenizing ship and character dynamics, molding characters/ships/settings to certain popular tropes rather than the other way around across fandoms... to what end, I have no idea. I'm of the opinion that nothing in fanfic presents any kind of real-world "risk" in comparison to mainstream media, but it seems to me that presenting all the big gay ships as being "the same", essentially inventing new gay stereotypes is something we maaaay want to move away from. Or at least ask ourselves why we do this with gay men specifically.

okay MASH/perils-of-gay-fandom tangent over. basically, House is a mediocre show, albeit with some very good acting. it offers great fodder for fanwork because the characters are all some kind of hot mess (except for Foreman), it's got plenty of sex and drugs, and despite the fact that every medical drama to ever exist has contained all of these elements setting each other off, there's still a societal expectation that doctors and nurses have their shit together. these are people who are responsible for human life, so they can't possibly be sex-having, substance-abusing, hot messes, right?

[daebraeksan]

Getting triggered in a (pre)sexual situation with Nagi & he is patient and kind about it

contents 

NSFW elements, vague age, could be seen as college student or adult!Nagi, Reader with DID/PSTD (anxiety/depression/mental illness) who has gone to/is currently in therapy [as always anyone can read this, but i provide this extra info for context :) /], reader with past history of sexual trauma, exploring feelings about sexual, physical, and romantic aspects of relationship, height difference (short reader), reader is triggered during kissing and starts crying; some mental health event happens during kissing i don't know, nagi is very patient and respectful; abandonment issues, reader is certain nagi is going to break up with them (nagi will not)

tags 

Everyone is an adult in an unspecified location AU, nagi has his own apartment AU, the apartment is really the only important physical location that matters so like, i don’t really care lol, go wild, established relationship, reader has never dated before, reader little to no romantic/dating experience, implied past sexual trauma,

word count

3045

!#@!@#!@#!@#!@#!@#

Poor Nagi didn’t get any Valentine's chocolates when he was in school. Times when he felt sexual frustration were so few and far between, and when he did, poor Nagi was often too lazy to do anything about it. There’s nothing sad about being a late bloomer; everyone is different. Having fun in a specific way now versus later are incomparable or equal, but not better or worse than each other. 

For various, and some of those were surprisingly similar, reasons, your relationship with Nagi started slowly. Both of you were uncertain whether the other liked you. Both of you were hesitant to admit to yourselves you liked the other. For both of you, it was too much of a hassle at first. Feelings are complicated and you both didn’t want to get into anything that was going to harm or disturb you. It was Nagi who, by inadvertent accident, finally steeled your resolve, and spurred you to make your move, which started the “romantic” (?) aspect of your relationship.  

Hardly anything in your life is “easy” but for all the struggle you go through to live a “normal” life that other people take for granted, Nagi is an excellent partner to go through it all. Your head spins as you are treated with gentleness, humor, love, and respect. Your paranoid brain questions every act of kindness, moreso now that a “romantic” element throws your body in a tailspin. It’s new territory you don’t know. Your friendship with Nagi brought you so much joy, and those aspects haven’t been removed. You are always grateful to have a person who provides a safe space for you in your life. You cherish these people, few and far between, who you hold tightly to your heart, a dragon guarding less than 10 gems which feels like piles and piles of countless gold coins. 

All the work in your life hasn’t been for nothing. You are aware of how distant your insecurities feel sometimes. Their presence remains, memory cells floating in a busy abyss. You're grateful for your coping strategies that saved you. You are grateful for your new experiences and new strategies that can allow you to live the life you want to live going forward. You aren’t quite stuffing your insecurities to the bottom of your brain, the tartarus of your memory, but only because you don’t want any part of you to feel abandoned, lost, or hated. 

The thought of roadblocks and stumbling stones in the romantic (?) aspect of your relationship causes you worry sometimes, and you accept the newness and confusion with as much grace and compassion as you can.

The physical and sexual aspect of your relationship is going to drive you insane. It already is, and it will continue to do so.

Physical touch is already a stressful thing for you. Always. With anyone. You did not have positive physical touch growing up. You went through your childhood and adolescence touch starved, and have gone through your adulthood thus far incredibly touch starved, as well. You know what you want, you don’t know what you want, you know other people seem to be getting what they want (and what you want), and you don’t know how. Whatever they do won’t work for you anyway. You’ve tried and failed, with results ranging from unfortunate to disastrous. You can’t handle any more worst case scenarios. (You can, and will if they ever emerge. But you will not put yourself in those situations on purpose, and you will always leave a dangerous situation because you are capable of protecting yourself.) 

“Nagi is permissive.” This is one way to describe an aspect of his personality. That word stresses you out. You are so scared of hurting people (the way you were hurt.) You have long isolated yourself because you didn’t think you could get your needs met and keep people safe at the same time. (You were very hard on yourself and when you let people be responsible for their actions instead of taking the blame, you can learn that you were trustworthy all alone, and people, your loved ones, already trust you!)

“Nagi is too lazy to care either way.”  This is another way to describe Nagi in many situations. This also causes you pause, worry, and sends you in a tail spin sometimes. While your communication in other aspects of your life has improved drastically through your dedication and hard work, communication about physical touch causes its own problems because of the subject matter. Mainly, you can’t ask for what you want. You’re too protective of yourself (well, you’re alive, so it worked) and you don’t want to throw yourself in situations where you could be rejected and disappointed if it’s going to cause you so many problems.

Yet, you want emotional and physical intimacy, so you have to accept the fact that you want opposing things at times, sometimes at the same time. And it’s very frustrating and confusing. And, you’re not going to lie, in your worst moments, your insecurities about being too much, and too much trouble, emerge regarding this aspect of your relationship with Nagi. You only have one option, which is to work through it. You’re not giving up, and you’re not giving up on your relationship with Nagi. You're not giving him up for anything. (Unless he wants, but he doesn’t, so you don’t have to go through that qualifier. But you’re you, so you still splatter your disclaimers on anything and everything, because you don’t want to hurt people like how you've been hurt.) 

All of this is to say, with help from your loved ones, you were able to figure out that Nagi is okay with you cuddling with him, and he was okay with that before you started your romantic endeavors with him, too. You can’t hold his hand when he’s gaming, but sometimes he’ll still let you lean up against him. 

All your romantic firsts with Nagi are special to you, and all your first time experiences in general with him (or to be fair, anyone) are special. First time going to the amusement park together, watching a movie, cooking together (he is mostly moral support, but you still count it <3), first “date.” You cherish your first kiss. Your first and every subsequent makeout session excites you. You have days where it’s all you think about. Your sex drive is far higher than Nagi’s, but he’ll play with your pussy almost whenever you ask. Sometimes his full attention is on you, gaze hot and excited, enraptured with your pants and sounds, and sometimes he’ll play with you while he’s watching his shows or streams, something casual enough to where he’ll throw in an occasional deadpan observation of you that flushes you with the kind of humiliation and desperation that is so exciting to feel (the kind you only feel safe enough to feel with Nagi.) You can’t pick a favorite. His attention and praise fills you with white hot pleasure and your brain feels overflown in the present moment with him. The feeling of being carried away safely, because it’s Nagi, allowing you to be solidly grounded in the moment, because you don’t want to be anywhere else except overwhelmed by Nagi. 

Excited at the thought of experiencing these feelings again, you close the door to his bedroom and stand on your tiptoes and you still can’t reach his face. You cling to his shirt, pulling to coax him down to where you can reach. He towers over you, a hand over your head. You stare into his beautiful eyes and let out a tentative whine. 

“No patience at all.” Nagi’s lower, rough voice sends a jolt through you, and then he’s kissing you. Finally. 

There’s no pressure for Nagi to be creative when he touches you. For as bad as you think you are at communicating, you give him just enough to fill in the blanks that your body language leaves. Your body and voice are so expressive, and he doesn’t know how he knows what you want, but he does. You also seem pretty happy with anything he does. It makes him feel so powerful to make you so happy without even trying (that hard). Especially as time goes on and you get to know each other’s likes and tastes more and more, he likes the way you make him feel like in these moments, he is your whole world. He is all you need. Your enraptured expression, completely taken by him, the way your attention can’t be dragged to anything else makes him feel seen, and he likes the feeling. He wants you to see him.

He knows how to make you happy. When he doesn’t feel like putting in effort, but still wants to spend time with you, he knows how to make you feel good. He knows how to get results. 

But the way you motivate him surprises him every time. He knows you like it sometimes, when he pretends he’s more focused on his streams than you. You like it, so he lets you believe he is more focused on his streams than he really is. But making you feel good is like no game he’s ever played. It’s a fun game, an exciting game, riveting, all-consuming, to try and read you, try and figure out what it is you want him to do, what your body language and whines are leading him to do. You’re so easy to read, it feels like you were made for him. When you whine louder and louder, he wants you to feel like he was made for you, too.

He has to let you catch your breath eventually. He uses this time to feel proud of himself, smug at his handiwork, as he looks down at your dazed expression. You look like you miss him already. Your shy, worried expression you get as you feel better and better with the sinful way you move against his body, begging for more.

He feels protective of you and never wants to let you go. He never wants you to feel hurt again and he wants to be the one to make sure of that. He wants to be there to support you through everything and he wants you by his side always, too. 

He crowds you to the bed and you scramble up, and he crawls after you, and looms over you, the only image you want to see. 

He descends, body heavy on yours, kisses you more. You never would have thought you could like the taste of someone’s mouth like you do Nagi’s. You can’t get enough of the way his tongue feels, the strength of his hands when he grips you. You’re so loud, which Nagi loves, and is fun for you, too, but the moments when you’re about to hear his noises, grunts and gasps and exhales, makes your tummy swoop, and you cling to him tighter. You tangle your fingers in his beautiful hair. It calms you to touch it. You like holding his head like that while he kisses your neck. You hate that he has to stop kissing your lips in order to kiss your neck because you love both so much.

Nagi is patient and attentive. He can’t get bored when he sees and hears how much you are enjoying it. 

The silence has dragged on a bit too long, much longer than you need to catch your breath, and he knows you’re impatient. You act like you don’t care about breathing anymore when you kiss him, which makes him feel like king of the world, of course, but also, he wants you to breathe. 

He pulls away to assess the situation. Your fingers are still in his hair, which he loves, but your body is heavy, a lot less pliable than normal, and your gaze is frozen somewhere else, expression not dazed and needy like he likes seeing you. You look like something else. Lost in thought or somewhere else in general. 

“Baby.”

You twitch your fingers in his hair, but don’t look at him or say anything. 

“Angel?”

You remove your hand from his hair and squirm under him. He rolls off you onto his side and watches you.

“Are you okay?”

You curl away from him slightly, so he adjusts his body too, giving you some more space. 

He’s really worried, but he doesn’t want to worry you more, if something really is wrong. He knows and trusts you will tell him eventually, even if you can’t right now. 

“I love you,” he says.

“I love you, too,” you say quickly.

“Can I kiss you?” he asks.

You look conflicted. 

“I don’t have to. I just want you to know I love you. What do you need right now?”

You’re frozen. You don’t even feel like you can bury your head in the pillow like you want to. Well, actually, what you really want to do is bury your head in Nagi’s chest, but you definitely don’t think or feel like you can do that.

“Do you want me to go? Do you want me to take you home?”

“No,” you choke out. “I want to stay.”

“Okay,” Nagi says. “If there’s something you want me to do, when you can, can you tell me?”

Horrified, you feel tears welling in your eyes.

“You don’t have to do anything.”

“Okay,” Nagi says. “I want to help you, and can if you want me to, but I don’t have to do anything, either, if you don’t want.”

As focused as you were when you were kissing him and into it, you are now equally and opposingly scattered. Of the millions thoughts and anxieties and worries freefalling in your head, what a lot of them boil down to are: a) you are horrible; and b) he’s not going to like you anymore.

“I’m here for you,” he says. “It’s okay if you want to cry, if you feel like it.”

The sobs escape your mouth without you feeling like you let them. 

He hands you tissues and stays with you quietly. 

“I’m sorry,” you say, which doesn’t feel good to say. It feels like you are betraying yourself. But there was no way you were going to win the fight to overcome the urge to say it. Not right now. 

“I don’t want you to say that,” Nagi says. “About crying to me ever again.”

“Sorry,” you say, because at this point you’ve given up, and have fully accepted that Nagi will probably most definitely never want to see you ever again.

“You can say sorry, and I’ll tell you it’s okay, but I just want you to know. I want it on record that I don’t want an apology for you sharing your emotions with me. Thank you for trusting me with them. I am honored.”

You cry some more, hiccupping and loud. 

Once you have a tiny pile of tissues, which you push off the bed into the bin Nagi got up and retrieved for you, you feel satisfyingly empty, like how one does, after having a good cry.

“I love you,” Nagi says promptly.

“I love you, too,” you rasp out. 

He gazes at you calmly.

You and him are opposites in some ways. One important way is he is never in a rush and you are always in a rush. So even though you know he would never rush you into anything, whether it’s talking or sex or leaving the house for some event or activity, your own traitorous brain yells at you, guilts you, warns you that he’s going ot leave no matter what anyway, so what are you even doing?

“Can I stay?” you ask in a small voice. 

He blinks at you. “...what?”

“Can I still stay here? Even though we’re not.” You gulp around nothing. Your throat convulses. “Or I can go,” you say quickly because you don’t want to cause trouble or be shameless or assume or any of the horrible things that you could do wrong.

“You should always do whatever you want,” he says. “But if you’re asking me, I’d like if you stayed.”

“Okay,” you whisper, searching your chest for the relief you think you should be feeling. A win! Right? You don’t have to do something you’re scared of, and you get what you really wanted in the first place. All you ever want is Nagi. 

“Can I still.” You wish words weren’t so hard. For all that everyone makes fun of you for constantly talking, why can’t you when it really matters? You search for the extroverted part of you, and you feel tumbleweeds where a peppy, bubbly personality should be. 

Great. Abandoned. As per usual. 

Nagi doesn’t rush you. He never rushes you. Logically, you know this, from past experience, and he continues in this moment. He’s so still. The opposite of your racing thoughts. The opposite of the fight or flight response pumping your body up to prepare for maximum danger and threat levels. He’s so still as he watches you, with his ever lidded eyes, eyes you usually feel so secure staring into, and would for hours on end, if you could. 

You know these eyes are open to you. They demand nothing. You try to remember that he would never implore you for anything, and the only person rushing you is you.

“I want to stay,” you say. 

“I want you to stay,” he says.

“I want.” Why is it so horrifying to ask for things? To ask for anything. “Can I touch you?”

“Yes, please,” Nagi says.

This time, relief crashes through your system, louder this time, bursting through a window, the sound of glass shattering cascading through your veins. 

He opens himself up to you, like he always does, and you slot yourself against his body, like you’ve been wanting this whole time. You try to calm yourself down. You try to stop trying. You try to let Nagi take care of you, like he is so good at doing. 

He kisses the top of your head, and he waits with you until you feel better. And you do, eventually. You always do.