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floralseokjin · 2 years

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⤑ 9 months to fall in love 21.

It seems like everyone around you is either already in love, or in the process of falling, and while normally you couldn’t give a damn, finding out the co-worker you’ve had a teensy crush on is dating someone else at the office seems to sucker punch you right in the gut. It’s stupid, and you’re irritated at yourself, but you can’t seem to shake out of the funk you’ve fallen face first in.

Feeling lonely and heartsore, and mad for no reason, during drinks with your best friend you spot a man at the bar. Tequila confident, you make your way over to the stranger, and successfully one thing leads to another. The next morning you leave before he’s woken up, feeling satisfied in one way, but still as discontented as ever. Telling yourself it was an inebriated mistake, you quickly try to forget about it.

Only, three weeks later that night comes back to haunt you – in a very unescapable way…

pairing; kim seokjin x f reader au/genre; unplanned pregnancy, strangers to lovers, slow burn, romance (dare I say romcom in places), smut, angst, (melo)drama, dual pov words; 5,404

warnings/includes (!) mild angst, Oc is feeling very shaken up and emotional (rightly so), mentions of parental death, hospital phobia, sweet confessions 😘

⟶ ao3 link

*inspired by the manhwa ‘Positively Yours.’

↪︎ series index

SEASON THREE ⇤ previous | next ⇥

Seokjin couldn’t remember hightailing it out of the building and getting into his car. Hell, it was a wonder he remembered his keys. All he could think about was getting to you. You all alone in a hospital room. You hated hospitals. He tried to recount the phone call, willing himself to take some deep breaths and calm down. Seokjin prided himself on his crisis-management, but there was no handling this. In fact, ever since you’d come into his life, you’d blown every skill and practise he knew. Thinking rationally right now was impossible. Still, he tried.

“It was a minor collision.”

“There’s no need to worry, Mr. Kim.”

“There are no serious injuries. Both your wife and baby are doing fine.”

The phone call was meant to ease his worries, but the more he heard the woman’s words in his head, the more panicked he felt. He felt helpless. Why had he suggested that you go home early? You could have stayed at his office. You could have gone home together. Safe. Instead, he’d sent you off in a doomed taxi. Anything could’ve happened to you or Sarang. To both of you. It didn’t bear thinking about. He felt sick, stomach roiling and roiling. This car journey was taking forever, making him feel even more useless.

At what must have been the tenth red light, he yelled loudly and crashed his hand against the steering wheel, his horn blaring. A few pedestrians shot him wary looks, hurrying across the road. Others were annoyed, cursing at him, but Seokjin didn’t care. All he cared about was getting to you.

Finally arriving at the hospital, he barely parked his car correctly, jumping out and rushing for reception. He heard the man at the desk tell him what floor you were on, what room, without really hearing him at all. The elevator was infuriatingly slow, and he was almost pushing the doors open when it finally arrived. He hurried down the corridor, thinking about how he hadn’t even told you he loved you yet. He’d felt it for so long, but something held him back from saying the words out loud. At one point in time it had been too soon, but now he didn’t understand what it was. Whatever the reason, it seemed foolish now.

He burst through the door. You were sat up in the bed, your phone in your lap, but you’d heard him, the relief on your face instant. He rushed towards you, wrapping you into a hug. “Thank God you’re all right,” he breathed, squeezing tight. He felt you relax against him, shaking, and your fingers dug into his back, holding him just as close.

Suddenly he registered how hard he was embracing you and pulled back. Was he hurting you? Were you in pain? He gently stroked your face with his fingers, noticing a small cut just below your left eye. He was trembling too.

“What happened? God—,” He hugged you again, not in control of his own body. “I don’t know what I would have—” done if I’d lost you, he wanted to confess, but stopped, overcome with emotion. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and tried to think of something else to say. Something collected. He needed to be calm for your sake. You needed him to be there for you, composed and in control. Not the panicky, fuzzy mess he felt like inside.

Your eyes were filled with fright as you stared at him. His heart broke. “Seokjin—”

He spoke over you, the concern overwhelming him. “Are you sure you’re okay? You don’t feel strange?”

You didn’t reply straight away, a small crease slowly forming between your eyebrows. “I’m fine,” you finally managed, a hand falling to your bump. “So is Sarang.”

Seokjin blinked. There was something off about the tone of your voice, steely. Your jaw was clenched, he noticed. You must have been in pain, but he shouldn’t press it. He stroked a hand through your hair and kissed the top of your head. “Good.”

Again, he couldn’t imagine the alternative. Losing you and Sarang would have killed him.

He couldn’t help himself and hugged you once more at the thought, but this time you didn’t reciprocate, still clutching your belly protectively. He pulled back unsurely, placing his hand over yours. “What’s wrong? Are you sure everything’s fine? Should I—”

Get a doctor, he was about to say, but just at that moment, the door opened and in one entered.

“What happened?” Seokjin heard himself demand immediately. He was perched on the bed but moved to the chair beside it, not wanting to crowd you.

“Mr. Kim,” he began carefully, as doctors did. For some reason, it irritated Seokjin to no end right now. Before he could continue however, you spoke up.

“Someone went into the side of the taxi.”

Seokjin’s heart clenched and he went to reach for one of your hands, but by now both were over your stomach, almost as if you were guarding your daughter.

“Everything is fine,” the doctor reassured. “Your wife has been thoroughly checked over. There’s a small cut caused by her fingernail, and she’s slightly sore, but that shall dissipate in a few days – a week at the most. The baby is healthy too. Her heartbeat is strong, and we’ve checked for signs of placental abruption. However…”

Seokjin felt bile rise in his throat at the word.

“Considering you’re so heavily pregnant, ____,” the doctor continued, addressing you now. “I want you to stay the night. It’s only a precaution – you and your baby are healthy – but it’s best to be safe. Is that all right?”

Seokjin noticed how tense you’d gotten, your nod of agreement wooden. When the doctor left, he was immediately over you again, worried hands stroking through your hair, down your arms. He might be being dramatic, his emotions heightened, but it felt as though he’d come this close to losing you and Sarang. “Do you want me to ask if I can stay with you?”

“No, it’s all right. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” he pressed anxiously. “I know how much you hate—”

“I said I’m fine, Seokjin,” you gritted out, shoulders stiff. “And will you stop fussing!”

Seokjin’s hands froze at your raised voice, realising he was fluffing up the pillows behind your back. “Sorry.” Was he being too much? He felt like he was, but this situation felt so out of his control, he couldn’t help it.

“I need to call my dad and let him know,” you muttered, phone in your hand.

“Do you want me to do it?” he asked, watching you hesitate before slowly nodding your head.

“Thanks.”

He stepped out of the room, running an uneasy hand through his hair. Something was wrong, or correction, he’d done something wrong. He just didn’t know what. He wracked his brain, feeling like an asshole. If he’d upset you, he should know why. You’d looked so relieved when he burst into the room, you’d hugged him tightly, and then he couldn’t really remember much of what he’d said. His mind felt foggy, had since the phone call, and he was still shaking.

Maybe he was looking too much into it. Maybe he was being overly sensitive, anxious. You’d been through something traumatic, no wonder you weren’t yourself and seemed so withdrawn. Seokjin coddling you was probably making things worse.

With a shaky sigh, he composed himself, needing to call your father and let him know what had happened.

Your dad and Yeonja wanted to drive down immediately once they heard the news. Seokjin managed to convince them not to. They lived over an hour away and by the time they arrived it would be late. Besides, everything was fine, there was no need to be worried sick. Thank God. But you didn’t feel fine. Not emotionally anyway. It didn’t help that you and Seokjin had barely spoken a few words since he’d arrived. He’d given up trying in the end, casting cautious glances your way every now and then, which only aggravated you further. He really had no clue why you were so upset with him. The dejected look on his face wasn’t going to make you feel guilty. It wasn’t.

When the silence started to become unbearable, Yuna ended up saving the day. You’d told her to stay home too, but as always, she didn’t listen. You didn’t even know how she’d managed a visit at such a late hour, but here she was. You felt oddly emotional when she hugged you, once again remembering how the accident could have been much, much worse. It still didn’t feel real.

Seokjin left soon after that. That careful look still in his eyes, only now it was tinged with reluctance. He didn’t want to leave you. The thought made your throat thicken, and for a moment you wanted to grab hold of his hand and ask him to stay, but then the hurt crept in again, stubbornness soon following.

“I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” he murmured, stroking the back of your head. You were getting discharged first thing.

“Okay,” you nodded, turning your head so the kiss he’d aimed for your lips slid across your cheek. You felt his hand stop its motions, surprised. He straightened up and you could sense him staring at you a moment or two before he turned to say his goodbyes to Yuna. You thought you might start to relax when you heard the door close with his departure, but you were still as stiff as ever.

“Okay. What was that?”

Your back went poker straight at Yuna’s question, which hurt like hell because your shoulders ached. “What was what?” you asked defensively.

Yuna stared at you from where she was sat across the room. “The cold shoulder I just witnessed. Did you guys argue?”

You were surprised she hadn’t picked up on the atmosphere already, but maybe she’d put the taut silence down to the shock of the accident. “No. He just—I just,” you took a deep breath, unsure where you were going with this. “When he got here he was only worried about me.”

“Of course he was worried about you. You were in a car accident,” she said, which sounded a lot like are you stupid?

“No. I mean: only me. He didn’t ask about Sarang.”

Yuna still wasn’t getting it, her brow pinched. “You do realise you two come as a package deal right now, right?”

“Yuna.”

Your sharp tone seemed to clarify things for her, her gaze growing concerned. “You’re really upset about this.”

And just like that you started crying.

You hadn’t cried at all since the taxi got hit, but now every emotion you’d been suppressing – no, controlling, seemed to break free.

“Hey, hey, hey,” Yuna was saying, rushing towards you. “What’s with the tears?” She perched on the side of the bed, her arm wrapping around you.

“This is what I get,” you croaked, voice wrenching upward at the last word. You sniffed against her shoulder. “I kept saying how over this pregnancy I was. How eager I was for it to end.” Not a few hours ago you’d said exactly that to Yoongi.

“Hang on. You think this is some kind of karma?” When you didn’t reply, Yuna squeezed you gently. “____, you realise how ridiculous that sounds?”

“I know,” you agreed, voice quivering. “But I just kept thinking while they were checking me over, if anything happens to her it’ll be my fault.”

You could physically feel Yuna shaking her head. “Listen to me,” she practically implored. “It wouldn’t have been your fault. It wasn’t your fault.” Then, with a mutter, she added, “It was that asshole who can’t drive’s fault.”

“It was an accident,” you said quietly. You couldn’t find it in you to blame the middle-aged man who’d been driving the car that hit you. He’d stayed and called the emergency services, ashen faced and apologising profusely. He’d been completely compliant, breathalysed by the cops, answered every single question and more. The taxi driver had a sprained wrist. You were a little sore and had a cut on your face, but you were safe and so was Sarang.

Sometimes these things just happened, which was ironic for you to conclude seeing as you were blaming yourself for putting your daughter at risk. You knew that, understood that, yet you couldn’t stop it.

“It would have been on me if something had happened,” you heard yourself confess. “I’m the one carrying her.” She was your responsibility. “But Seokjin only seemed to care about how I was doing.” And he didn’t seem to blame you like you blamed yourself. Maybe that was the issue….

“I seriously doubt that,” Yuna reasoned. “He loves you both so much. You only have to take one look at him to see that.” You didn’t say anything, guilt creeping in. “I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding, babe,” she continued. “When people are upset they find it hard to articulate their words. It would be Seokjin’s worst nightmare if anything happened to the both of you, and for a moment, however small, he probably thought it had.”

You recalled the look on his face when he surged through the door. You had never seen him so panicked. How tight he’d held you; how much he’d been shaking.

Yuna stroked up and down your arm. “This was a horrible thing to happen, and I know everything is fine, but it’s still frightening. You’re shaken up, but cut him some slack and maybe don’t put words in his mouth.” You snorted, it was half-assed, you couldn’t think to laugh right now, even if Yuna was not-so-subtly telling you off. She wasn’t done either. “—And if you want him to blame you, then that’s just stupid, ____. I’m sorry, I should be being nice to you right now, but I also need to be honest.”

You lifted your head, rubbed your cheeks dry. “You’re right.”

Yuna smiled and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was getting late, and they wouldn’t let her stay much longer, despite how they’d let her in at all. She gave you one last hug. “Love you lots. Try to get some sleep tonight,” she told you, eyes filled with worry, before they narrowed, turning darker with warning. “And talk to Seokjin in the morning.”

She was totally flabbergasted when you nodded and told her you loved her too.

Despite feeling like you wanted to sleep for an entire day—no, an entire week, you managed virtually nothing. It didn’t come as a surprise. The buzzing silence inside the hospital only heightened the anxious weight pressing down on your chest. The chemical smell making you nauseated. At some point you knew you’d have to work through your fear, but every time you closed your eyes, you saw your mom. Her unconscious and hooked up to machines, barely clinging to life. Your worst memories were at a hospital, and being here only made you miss her more. You wished she was still here to see how your life had turned out. To meet her granddaughter.

At the thought of Sarang, your heart ached, imagining what could have happened if the accident had been worse. How you would have lived with yourself. You knew you shouldn’t get stuck on that. It wasn’t healthy, and the last thing you needed right now was more worry. You needed to concentrate on the good. How lucky you had been even if you felt like the unluckiest person in the world.

You had your health; you had your baby; you had Seokjin. You felt guilt roil through you. This was the first night spent apart in God knows how long, and you’d parted in the worst possible way. How could you doubt him? You were appalled with yourself. You’d acted irrationally and pushed him away because you were scared and blaming yourself. It was a regression, when you’d worked so hard to change such a behaviour. But maybe that’s what fear did…

You were happy to feel Sarang move about inside you. She was keeping you company and reminding you that she was perfectly fine. Her mom on the other hand…

The next morning you felt like death warmed up, and couldn’t wait to go home and shower, then promptly fall asleep in your own bed. But first you needed to speak to Seokjin. He arrived just before 9am, but the look on his face immediately clogged the apology you’d been rehearsing for the past two hours. His expression was guarded, and he barely made eye contact with you. Any talking you did was required. He was distant and subdued. This time there was no hug or kiss and you felt even more terrible. Terrible for hurting him and terrible for feeling hurt that he wasn’t giving you those things. What did you expect? You’d turned away from him last night.

After you’d changed into the clothes he’d brought you, and the prolonged silence had become completely unbearable, you forced your mouth to work. “Seokjin, I’m—” You were interrupted by a hesitant knock at the door.

“Yes?” Seokjin answered, sat underneath the TV on the wall. To your surprise, when the door opened, the taxi driver from last night was stood there holding a bunch of flowers.

“I hope you don’t mind me intruding,” he said, tone uncertain as he held up the bouquet. “I, uh, I came to bring you these.”

Seokjin helped you out of the car and took the flowers from you. As you both walked up to the front of the house, your neighbour appeared from theirs, greeting you with a friendly hello. You tried your best to match their energy, but by now you were running on empty. Your shoulders ached from impact and exhaustion. You followed Seokjin inside and slid off your shoes. The familiar smell of your home made you feel marginally better.

“I’ll put these in water,” Seokjin muttered, rushing off towards the kitchen, escaping you it felt like.

The taxi driver – Dal – had been filled with guilt all night and wanted to apologise. You and Seokjin repeatedly assured him there was nothing to be sorry about, he wasn’t to blame, and you silently told yourself to take heed of your own words. Except, you did have something to be sorry about, yet you still hadn’t had a chance to say the words to Seokjin. You’d been interrupted at the hospital, and the entire car ride had been such an anxious affair for you, you hadn’t been able to speak. Seokjin was always a careful driver, but he seemed to drive slower today, as if he was aware being back inside a vehicle would be frightening for you. And now, as soon as you’d gotten inside, he was disappearing.

You couldn’t tell whether he was angry at you (rightly so) or if he still thought you were angry at him and was giving you space. You followed him into the kitchen, I’m sorry on the tip of your tongue, but when he looked up and saw you, his eyes widened. “____, go and shower, then try to get some sleep.”

“I will, I just—”

“I’ve got this,” he said softly, gesturing to the flowers. “You must be exhausted.”

You were exhausted, and you knew he could tell that by your face. Under your eyes were dark and puffy from lack of sleep. When Seokjin turned his back to you, starting to snip away at the stems, you gave up. He obviously didn’t want to have this conversation right now, more concerned about you resting. Or he just didn’t want to have the conversation, period. You didn’t really blame him.

With a resigned sigh, you made your way to the bedroom. You knew he wasn’t going to work today, he’d told you last night, so you’d have time to talk things through after your nap. It would have to wait. Despite everything that had happened in the last 14 hours or so, the hot shower did you good. It relieved practically all the tension in your shoulders and eased your sore muscles. As soon as you got into bed you fell asleep. The size of your stomach not an issue for once.

You awoke several hours later, not quite refreshed, but feeling more human again. Now that you were out of the hospital, you could put the traumatic incident behind you. You were going to give birth in a few weeks, you had more important things to think about. Rising eventually, you shrugged on your robe over your pyjamas– a fluffy, lilac one that Seokjin had bought you because you kept stealing his – and made your way downstairs, into the main living area. It was 5pm you noticed when you switched on the television, Seokjin must be in his office where you guessed he’d been all day. You were absently watching the news, wondering if you should interrupt him, when the doorbell echoed through the house. You struggled out of the sofa, half expecting a distressed Yeonja to be waiting outside. When you finally made it out of the living room, Seokjin was exiting the kitchen in front of you, beating you to the door. When he noticed you, he looked surprised.

“You’re awake?”

You nodded. “I didn’t know you were in the kitchen.”

When he opened the door, you were surprised to see Namjoon. Or at least the outline of him. Seokjin had kindly let him know what had happened after the call with your father. You’d gotten a text from him last night, but you hadn’t been expecting a visit too. Or for him to be balancing five Tupperware boxes in his hands (held against his chest), the largest bunch of flowers you’d ever seen (under his arm), three gift bags (hanging off a wrist), and a balloon – which bizarrely read ‘We will miss you’ in cursive. Everyone at work did realise you’d escaped the car accident unscathed, right??

“____, are you okay?” he asked, something like a demand and concern rolled into one.

“I’m fine,” you reassured. “Honestly.” You appraised him curiously. “What’s all this?”

“Uh, well…” he started, attempting to readjust the wobbly Tupperware. Seokjin stepped forward, taking them from him. “Thanks, man—We’d planned a little farewell—temporary farewell—party for you today, but considering the circumstances…”

“Oh.” That explained the balloon. “That’s so sweet of everyone. Thank them for me?” You’d had no idea and felt disappointed that you’d missed it. You’d missed your last day before maternity leave started.

“Of course.” Namjoon’s gaze was intense, a little frown between his eyebrows. “Everyone was so worried. Yeeun wanted to come with me but I didn’t want to overwhelm you. Should you be standing?”

“I can, but I’d rather be sitting,” you laughed, jerking your hand for him to follow you. “Come on.”

“I’ll refrigerate these,” Seokjin said, holding up the leftover food. “Do you want something to drink?”

“I won’t stay long,” Namjoon shook his head.

Seokjin’s eyes flicked to you, deep with concern. “Angel?”

You felt your heart lift at the name and smiled at him. “Water would be nice, thank you.” You hadn’t eaten or drunk anything since this morning. He nodded and stopped to take the flowers from Namjoon too.

As Namjoon followed you into the living room, you had to bat away the balloon with a laugh. It felt good to laugh again. When Seokjin entered with your water, you were sat on the sofa next to Namjoon. Seokjin perched on the arm of the chair opposite. He seemed relaxed in himself, but his smile and quiet laughter didn’t reach his eyes every time he or Namjoon joked lightly about something or other. Namjoon only stayed for a little while, not wanting to encroach on your rest, and with a hug goodbye for you and a promise to see you soon, Seokjin saw him out.

You half expected Seokjin to go back to the kitchen, as you could now smell something cooking away, but a few moments later he came back to you. He was wearing a green cashmere sweater today and worn jeans, and his dark hair flopped over his forehead – always making him appear boyish.

“I was in the middle of making dinner,” he explained, then tried a smile. “Although, it looks like we’ll have enough food until next week with what Namjoon brought over. What would you prefer—”

“Seokjin, will you sit for a minute?” you interrupted, tapping the recently vacated seat next to you.

“Of course. Is everything okay?” He studied you hesitantly, coming to sit, and you fought the urge to reach out for him.

“Yes. That nap was very well needed. I didn’t get much sleep last night.”

Seokjin didn’t look happy at that, one corner of his mouth turning down. He swept the hair out of his eyes, and you couldn’t stop it any longer, you needed to feel him. Resting your head against his shoulder you took in his scent, feeling better already. How had you been so mad at him? It seemed silly now. He relaxed after a moment, wrapping an arm around your shoulders and squeezing you softly. It was scary to think you might never have been able to be in his arms again if things had turned out differently yesterday. Things could have turned out worse, much worse. As if sensing your thoughts, Seokjin kissed the top of your head, his following exhale shaky. You craned a look up at him, your neck aching slightly but you ignored it. He gently traced the cut on your cheekbone with the pad of his finger, brown furrowing slightly with consternation.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered. “I was being unfair last night.”

You felt him stiffen, his fingers flexing before he cupped your jaw. “No, it’s fine. You had a fright.”

“So did you. And it’s not fine. I know I hurt you.”

He stared into your eyes a moment, then nodded. “I just… I’m a bit confused by what I was meant to have done.” His hand dropped from your face and he stared ahead, looking at the TV but not watching it. “I couldn’t sleep, wondering, but I think—I’m assuming—it’s because I didn’t mention Sarang last night.”

You hated the thought of him tormenting himself all alone. “You didn’t do anything. I was blaming myself for the accident and I just kept thinking what if something had happened to our daughter. I was mad at myself.”

Seokjin looked over at you incredulously. “But you shouldn’t have been—,”

“I know. I was being ridiculous. But when you came bursting in, worried and asking how I was, I just… Maybe I wanted you to blame me too. Or maybe I just couldn’t understand why she wasn’t your sole concern.” You shrugged, unsure what you’d been thinking really and feeling terrible about it. “I don’t know.”

“____, you are both my sole concern.” He sounded frustrated. Then softer, he murmured, “You both mean so much to me. Receiving that phone call was the worst moment of my life. I knew everything was all right, I was trying to reassure myself the entire way to the hospital, but I just couldn’t stop thinking about what I would do if something ever happened to you and Sarang.” Shaking his head, he stared down at his lap. “I put you in that taxi. Me. How would I live?”

Hearing him say that felt as if your heart was physically being torn out. You blinked back tears and wrapped your arms around him. “Don’t think like that. Everything is okay now.”

He nodded against your throat, then pulled back slightly to hold your face in his hands, eyes glassy. “You two are the most important thing in my life. I’m sorry I made it seem that I was only concerned about you last night but that wasn’t the case. At all.”

“I know,” you whispered. It hurt you knowing he felt the need to apologise. “I’m sorry for ever doubting you. I was upset and took it out on you.”

“It would kill me if I lost either one of you.” Seokjin’s voice trembled, and for one awful moment you thought he was going to cry. You’d never seen him cry before and you never wanted to.

You kissed his mouth gently, absorbing the feel of him. “You won’t. Nothing is going to happen to us.”

“I was so scared,” he admitted quietly against your lips, his arms wrapping around your waist, pressing as tight as he could without squashing your stomach. “I don’t want to keep you out of my sight.”

You tried to make a joke, mouth quirking lamely. “That doesn’t sound like a bad thing.”

He didn’t laugh, just stared at you seriously. “I’m going to tell you something.” He wet his mouth, “and you might not want to hear it yet, but I need to tell you.” He sounded desperate. “I should have told you months ago but I—I didn’t want to—”

“Seokjin,” you muttered, suddenly nervous. What was wrong?”

He stroked up your back once, the warmth of his hands burning through your layers of clothing somehow. “I love you.”

Your eyes widened. He kissed your mouth, breath unsteady. “I love you,” he repeated, pressing his forehead against yours. His hands moved down and around, holding your bump. “I love you and Sarang so much.”

You managed to swallow the lump of emotion lodged in your throat. Subconsciously, you already knew this, but hearing him say the words out loud made you realise how much you’d needed them. You needed to say it back, for him too, but a beeping started to fill the room, interrupting you. It was a phone. His phone, muffled inside his jeans pocket it sounded like. An alarm for dinner, you concluded hazily.

Seokjin swallowed, sobering up instantly. “I need to check that.”

He stopped holding you and got up from the sofa. You watched him leave, simply staring at the door in disbelief for a minute or so. What had just happened? Finally coming to your senses, you rushed after him, finding him in the kitchen with his back turned to you, preparing vegetables. You could hear the rhythmic chopping against the cutting board.

He knew you were there, watching him, because you saw his shoulders tense. As you stepped closer, you noticed the hand that was cutting the bell peppers was shaking slightly. You closed the distance between you, wrapping your arms around him and hugging him from behind. “Why did you think I might not want to hear that?” you asked quietly.

He paused and placed the knife down, simply staring at the countertop. “I don’t know,” he admitted haltingly.

“I love you too, Seokjin.” You felt him relax. “You know I do, don’t you?”

You hated to think he’d been holding back because he thought you didn’t share his feelings. When you’d been so certain of his…

“I… Yes.” He cleared his throat, insecurity seeping into his next words. “But there was a part of me…”

“How couldn’t I?” Your laughter was soft, barely there, but inside you were hurting for him. How come he couldn’t realise how great he was? “You’re…you.”

You let him go when he started to turn around and face you. “I don’t know what that means,” he said, but there was a small smile playing on his lips. You stepped towards him, as far as you could, and circled your arms around his neck. He brought his to your waist, and kissed you like he couldn’t help it.

“Well, you should,” you told him. “You’re so good to me.” Your hands slipped through his hair, down a little to hold his face. “You’re just good, and I feel really lucky to have you.” Sarang chose that moment to chime in too, jabbing you, and in the process, Seokjin as well. “That’s her telling you she loves you too.”

He laughed; a beautiful, rolling sound that sounded completely happy and at ease. Listening to it made your heart swell.

“You are everything to me and her. I love you,” you whispered, kissing him and feeling him melt against you.

It was the best feeling in the world.

Written 2022 - 2023. Please refrain from posting my work elsewhere. No translations allowed. © floralseokjin 2023

#seokjin fanfic #bts fanfic #jin fanfic #fic:9mtfil #floralseokjin:writings

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roosterbruiser · 1 year

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𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐄𝐋 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐑 — 𝐃𝐈𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐎𝐑'𝐒 𝐂𝐔𝐓

𝐀𝐋𝐋 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐋𝐔𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐍𝐃 𝐓𝐈𝐃𝐁𝐈𝐓𝐒 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐌𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓'𝐕𝐄 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐒𝐄𝐃 𝐈𝐍 𝐂𝐑𝐔𝐄𝐋 𝐒𝐔𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐑 𝐁𝐘 𝐑𝐎𝐎𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐁𝐑𝐔𝐈𝐒𝐄𝐑

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 𝐎𝐍𝐄—𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄 𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 𝐍𝐎𝐖!

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐎𝐍𝐄

The figure is a stranger -- not Rooster. She recognizes that they’re separate from each other immediately. The possession hasn’t happened yet.

Fight, flight, freeze, fall. Nightingale is a fighter and in her dreams, she’s a freezer. She is never as afraid as she is in her dreams which is why Gwyar never gets her. This is a theme that continues all throughout her eventual pregnancy, too.

And the figure contorts, stretching and cracking with sickly pops that burst on your eardrums like gunpowder exploding from a barrel. --A hint that guns will be used later.

The candles burning means that she has matches. Matches come into play later at a very important part in the story…

Things are the worst in this story when it’s very, very quiet. It’s unnatural for the world to be so quiet, which is a part of Appalachian folklore--it means that there’s something unnatural coming. It means hightail it out of there.

Every time Gale has a nightmare, she wakes up to Bradley being there.

She wears jasmine perfume. Jasmine ia s symbol of love, beauty, and sexuality.

Carrie is a nod to her eventual blood-soaked fate.

She establishes she’s a heavy sleeper during this chapter, which is important for the chapter where Bradley sneaks out of the room to hurt Bob. “I’m usually such a log…”

Being a virgin is a classic final girl trope.

The whole blood drive obviously becomes a very important thing in later chapters. First of all, it establishes Jake’s deep-rooted fear of blood. It also establishes that Gale (a virgin AND universal donor) donated already. Finally, it establishes Bradley being a bleeder. All of these things are central themes in the story.

The rock that holds the nurse’s cabin door open eventually locks Gale in there with Bradley during the final showdown.

The storm coming signifies a big, big change. The weatherman is calling it the storm of the century and everyone is being warned that it is about to be brutal. A literal dark cloud looming over the horizon--one that will change everything.

Bradley “I’ll be on my best behavior” Bradshaw …

“Shoo,” you tell them. “Let the man bleed out in peace!” --Need I say more?

Hangman picks grape juice and Rooster picks apple juice. Tiny, tiny detail, but this is supposed to be a nod to forbidden fruit. Bradley eating the apple.

Hungry Like the Wolf is playing when Bradley is watching Gale clean off the examination table. This is supposed to signify that she is the evental prey and he is the eventual predator.

They have always played chicken with each other -- waiting for the other to give in. This doesn’t change during their final showdown. It is how Gale is eventually able to manipulate him. She makes him think that she gave up, which in turn gives her the chance to get the upper hand.

“Now, sit down on this table so I can make you bleed.” --A nod to the fate that eventually comes to Bradley.

“You’ve got a sweet touch,” he tells you softly, eyes lingering on your mouth as you stifle a smile. --Another nod to his eventual fate.

“Phobias are very real,” you tell Rooster. “It’s the brain’s way of trying to protect us from things it perceives as evil.” Rooster scoffs. “I must be Hangman-phobic, then,” he tells you. --Must I say more?

“You two are gonna kill each other before summer’s over,” you sigh. --So true, Gale.

He’s talking about Tara Hannity. She was supposed to be the only new hire of the summer, coming all the way from Kansas or something like that. She was supposed to help man the five and six-year-olds with Rooster, but unexpectedly resigned a week before camp was due to begin. --Her great uncle was a victim in the original slaying. When her parents figured out that the Camp Arcadia she’d been hired at was the same one her relative died at, they decided she wasn’t allowed to go. Red herring.

There’s little posters of your own, too--a Smokey Bear portrait that has been faded with age, his finger pointing towards you with an ONLY YOU printed across his fur. --It’s true. Only Gale can prevent wildfires. But she can also start them and get everyone rescued.

Christ--you feel like you’re going to be torn in half by the end of the summer. --And you kind of are, Gale!

“I don’t wanna have to break into that Epipac, okay, bud?” You tell Timmy with a small smile. --This is a small but intentional moment. Timmy tries to eat a candy bar with nuts in it despite having a severe nut allergy. Now, in the 80s, epi pens were epipacs which meant they were literal syringes with adrenaline in them. This is important for later on in the story.

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐖𝐎

“Fuck me gently with a chainsaw,” Fanboy murmurs beneath his breath. --I’m such a tease.

When they almost lose the canoes, they draw sticks to see who has to go out and get them. Later on, they draw sticks to see who would leave Camp Arcadia. Ultimately, whoever drew the sticks would die. This is a parallel.

“Well, the storm sure had a fire lit under its ass, huh?” Rooster asks, laughing. --The storm is ushering in his eventual demise. Oops!

Whenever they retrieve the canoe, Gale won’t let Bradley go alone. She’s selfless like that. This is supposed to symbolize her unwillingness to let people go at things along--even if they're inherently dangerous or uncomfortable.

As silly as it seems, Bradley understands immediately why men drown trying to get closer to whatever beautiful creature is beckoning them to the water. He would trip over himself to be so near to you--even if it meant his body being lodged in algae and lilypads. --And he would do anything to see her again, even after he’s dead.

If he reaches out, if he really stretches out his arm and locks his fingers in place, he’d be able to graze your heel. He’d be able to wrap his fingers around it and pull you to him, against his body. But he doesn’t do that--in fear that he’ll accidentally pull you under. Plus, he isn’t a cheater like you are. & She thinks of you, splayed out on the dirt, not quite fast enough to outrun Bradley. Dying just within the reach of his fingertips, your hair caught in his fists when he lunges forward, your foot slipping on a rock and giving Bradley the opportunity to come forward and take you. One minuscule mistake, one lapse in your stride, one wrong placement of your foot on the earth and you’re gone. Just like that. Just like Bob. --Parallels!

“Can’t stand being beat by a girl, huh?” You tease with a grin. --Rooster doesn’t mind for sure. But Damien does.

“Might have to be taken back in on a stretcher!” --And she does get taken away from Camp Arcadia on a stretcher.

He is still so handsome, even soaking wet. & With wide, watery eyes, you gaze down at him. His mustache needs to be trimmed and his cheeks need to be shaved. His brows are slack and his eyes are shut. You wonder, for a moment, if you’ll ever find anything as brown as his eyes ever again. You’ll look for it forever, you think. His cheeks are pale and his lips are shut. Still so handsome despite it all. --Parallels.

“You’re dead meat if you do.” --So true, Coyote.

Everything goes quiet again when she sees the figure standing outside her door. It’s getting closer to her--testing the limits.

This thing--the figure--wants Nightingale just as badly as Bradley wants Nightingale. It wants to touch her, devour her. It needed to find a host with a similar want, one that is vulnerable and grievous.

When she wakes up from her second time seeing the figure, Jake is there. I did this for literal reasons (he came RUNNING to check on her after the lightning struck the tree) but also because I didn’t want to make it too obvious that Bradley is always there after she sees the figure.

The tree that was struck by lightning isn’t on fire, but it’s singed. So, a fire started and ended things at Camp Arcadia.

He hadn’t even realized he was running to your cabin until he was standing outside your door and watching your entirely still body in the bed. You were so utterly still, so utterly silent, that for one dreadful moment he thought you were dead. Even the rational part of him, which knew that a healthy girl like you wouldn’t just stop breathing in the middle of a thunderstorm, was seeped in panic. --Jake and Gale are endgame confirmed.

The sound of the figure scratching at the screen of your window is still echoing in your ears--a constant, ragged noise that makes your throat ache with dread. --It wants in.

He’s the best shot between all the counselors, a born and bred Texan, and he isn’t worried about running into anything he can’t handle. --Uh-oh….

The oak tree falling is symbolic. An oak tree is sturdy, deeply rooted in the earth. And suddenly it’s fallen, blocking their exit, marking the beginning of the end for everyone.

𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐏𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐓𝐇𝐑𝐄𝐄

It feels good to sit down: even though it’s a cool seventy-five outside, swinging the ax all morning and most of the afternoon has really taken its toll. --I’m sure it has taken its toll, buddy!

Bob’s gonna die when he hears this. --Need I say more?

You look very delicate with your hair up--your neck smooth and shapely like that of a preening swan. He can see it each and every time you swallow; it makes him want to reach out and press his palm there so he can feel all that spit going down, down, down. & He’s wrapping his hands around the column of your throat as you thrash viciously, kicking your heels into the dirt. And then, with the hands that caressed you so lovingly only a little while ago, he’s choking you. --Can you say parallels?

It’s a four-inch slice on his left hand that starts between his middle and ring finger and stretches across his palm. --Small detail about this. There is a vein called the Vena Amoris on your ring finger of your left hand and the vein runs directly to your heart. It’s why we wear our wedding rings there!

She does immediately--she isn’t like Jake. She doesn’t get squirmy at the sight of blood. But the warmth that’s pressing against her own palm as his wound keeps bleeding is decidedly yucky. Bob’s usually the one who deals with cuts and scrapes that you don’t need to address--he’s better at keeping them calm. Plus, he was a Boy Scout. She, of course, was a Girl Scout but never sold a box of cookies. --I just really love these details. I feel like both of these facts really embody who these characters are without giving you an in-depth analysis. Bob usually is better at keeping people calm and she is usually less grossed out by wounds.

“Hey, man, I’m the only thing standing between you and bleeding to death!” --This, of course, is an exaggeration at the time. But Nightingale could’ve said this and it would have been totally true.

“Paul,” Phoenix answers for Rooster, removing her hand from Rooster’s when you prompt her. “He keeps some in the maintenance shed, I guess. Said he hasn’t used ‘em in, like, two decades or some shit like that.” --And he was right. This was NO exaggeration!

“So, we’re stuck here, huh?” You ask Bradley. “You know, until the tree gets moved.” --You don’t know the half of it, sister.

“What do you want, then?” You ask. It feels like a loaded question. “A little birdie,” he whispers, throat dry. --He is also unknowingly talking about their eventual daughter.

He knows it’s selfish, he knows he should take what he has and nurture it, but he wants every single bit of you now. --He’s obviously still Bradley in this scene but this is very reminiscent of Damien. There’s a difference in what they want, like content-wise, but both of them want all of her.

“But he’ll sneak up behind you!” Susie croons, hopping over the threshold and wiggling her body in her rendition of a snake--which looks a lot like some sort of half-hearted belly dance. --Small detail but serpent imagery is supposed to evoke images of the Devil, of course. Plus he’ll sneak up behind you? Yeah…that’s got Devil written all over it.

The heat in your cheeks makes you fairly certain that you could start a fire just by pressing your face against some kindling. --Gale is surrounded by fire imagery...wonder what that’s about…

“He’s okay! But-but Nurse Nightingale thought she lost a rib!” “The Adam’s rib,” you answer pathetically, unable to meet Fanboy’s delighted gaze. “False alarm.” --So, in the bible, God makes Eve out of Adam’s rib. This is a symbol that women come from men and that women must stand beside men. This little detail, even though it’s a joke and a farce, means that Gale wasn’t created to stand by a man. She isn’t doomed to be side-by-side with him forever.

“How’s that rib, honey?” Fanboy asks, leaning forward and winking at you from beside Phoenix. He offers you the brandy bottle you’ve been passing around and you snatch it from him, biting a smile. He’s been teasing you and Rooster all night, which has delighted everyone except Jake. “Intact,” you answer, nose upturned. --Or is she doomed to be side-by-side with him forever…? The plot thickens.

“Cool it,” Javy whispers to Jake, squeezing his arm. “Work on your laser vision another time, brother. We can’t be short-staffed this summer!” --Definitely wanted to lay down some red herrings here and there about Hangman and his temper. I wanted people to truly wonder if it was him or Rooster!

Already you felt like you were going to be torn in half by the time August comes; now you’re beginning to wonder if you’ll even make it that long. --And no one there even comes to see August at camp.

“Invite me in,” he says, voice low. --Wanted this to be reminiscent of Dracula to further make people question. For those that don’t know, vampires must be invited in.

“What are you? Dracula? Just come in--!” --But also this is 80s campy horror and I wanted it to be a little self-aware. Little Scream moment.

There’s suddenly a fire in your belly. --Hmmm…fire again…

Overall, I wanted the scene between Jake and Gale to be telling of both their relationships. He is immature--to be fair, it’s part of his charm and he hasn’t been traumatized yet so we’ll let him have that--and part of that immaturity is wanting to stake some sort of claim over Gale. Like when he thinks about how much he likes her when she’s malleable beneath him, how it makes him feel good. Eventually, this immaturity dissipates (mostly from trauma) and him wanting to stake a claim over her gradually turns into him wanting to just plum take good care of her. Here’s an example from this scene where I think his immaturity shines: “And you can do nothing but comply, pushing yourself against his face. Fuck, this is exactly what Jake likes. He likes to feel the pressure of your hips as you desperately press yourself against him. He likes that you feel malleable right now, like he can tell you what to do and you’ll do it.” And here’s an example from the epilogue where I think his newfound maturity and respect shines through: “You know, I wish you had more faith in me,” he says carefully, voice drenched in sincerity. “I love you. I always have. You couldn’t tell me anything that would change that.”

“Christ,” you mutter, throwing your arm over your eyes. “You’re killing me.” --CHEEKY!!!

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invinciblerodent · 1 year

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if you haven't already.... you should post that oc info for arvid 👀

Yay, an excuse, thank you! :D (Long ramblings under the cut!) (excuse the darkness of the screenshot, my laptop is currently angry with photoshop)

Arvid Trygg

Full Name: As above! Fun fact- "trygg" comes from the Old Norse "tryggr", and essentially means "faithful". It's my headcanon for the name children raised in the church get in that area if they don't have a last name of their own- a bit like the "John Snow" of Faerun. (His mom only told the monks to name him Arvid, but left no other information about herself or her desires for him, and was gone by the next morning. So for all intents and purposes, his full name is essentially "Bother Arvid", which as a warrior priest is what he was casually referred to as the most.)

Gender and Sexuality: Short answer, bisexual man. Long answer, if only he knew enough to figure it out. As of right now, he's... mostly confused? Because while he's fairly sure he's a man, having literally lived the past 35 years as a holy man, he didn't much think of sexuality in any context. He may have had some mild crushes here and there, but didn't really think further about any of them. Nowadays he's slowly realizing that actually, not only does his dick work (surprise of all surprises), he also doesn't much care about gender as much as personality, and is very attracted to earnestness and gentleness in people, even more if they don't try to hide it. (It's a lot of "baby's first attempts at flirting" with him.)

Pronouns: Most comfortable with he/him, but sees no reason to be bothered by they/them either. The beard mostly deters people from attempting she/her, so I don't think he has any feelings about that.

Ethnicity/Species: He was raised as- and thinks of himself as a gold dwarf, but technically, his dad was a duergar. His mother lived in a very conservative area and was very young when she had him, so she broke off any relationship with the father when she learned she was pregnant, and hid the pregnancy from everyone. She went to the nearest monastery to give birth, and when she saw the (then much more pronounced) blue hue of her son, she decided that the best thing she can do for him is to leave him there to be raised by the monks. That way he gets a roof that her father would deny them, a life away from people in the village pointing fingers at him, and she gets her life back. (Arvid doesn't blame her for any of this. He thinks it was unfortunate because he would have liked to know his parents, but it was nevertheless the right decision to make. His skin's greyish-blue has since faded into this slightly bluish, pale color.) (He blushes purple, you guys. Purple. So cute.)

Birthplace and Birthdate: About 1460 DR, in a Tempuran monastery near a small dwarven village in the Western Heartlands (quite a ways South from Baldur's Gate), making him roughly 35 at the events of the game.

Guilty Pleasures: I think even though he's not experienced with it, he just loves reading about romance. You know there's that unauthorized copy of that bawdy play ("A Pleasurable Deal") we can find in a certain area of the game? Yeah, he saved that book, AND the leaflet that's an interview with the author. That was the first piece of explicitly smutty literature he's ever had access to, and... yeah. While he doesn't announce that he likes romance, he definitely keeps the enjoyment of smut buried deep in the bottom of his pack.

Phobias: So far, I don't think he has any notable ones. I mean, he's definitely got a healthy aversion from a bunch of things and isn't the biggest fan of gross monsters, but few are. I've yet to find out his biggest fear, but so far I'm toying with something like... that dawning horror that you did something irreversible and irredeemably horrible out of misinformation? Though I don't know how to phrase that in a concise manner.

What They Would Be Famous For: This one remains to be seen, I'll update it once I'm actually done with the game lol.

What They Would Get Arrested For: Definitely trespassing. Maybe breaking and entering. Probably heard someone in distress and immediately went to them, the dingus.

OC You Ship Them With:

OC Most Likely To Murder Them: (these don't really apply I think)

Favorite Movie/Book Genre: After a lifetime of little besides holy texts, he's kind of a fan of anything that's... not that. But definitely a romantic at heart, and if they ever "accidentally" pick up a romance novel, it mysteriously evades the trash-pile for a few days at least.

Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: I'm gonna say it's the "it was all a dream, and not in the vision- or astral projection-way". He always prefers honesty and straightforwardness, it's always a bummer when he realizes someone wasn't entirely truthful about something. (He doesn't realize that often.)

Talents and/or Powers: Well, he's a rather talented soldier and cleric, but I'd say a talent specifically is how he can leverage that aura if necessary. Mechanically, he has proficiency in intimidation, but hardly ever uses it- I headcanon that he doesn't really like using threats to get his way and prefers to be nice and persuasive instead, but has this... way, of shifting his weight and voice that makes him seem like someone not to be trifled with. (Only uses it when the Vibes on he encounter are already Fetid.) He's also got a lot of domestic skills, from helping out around he monastery from a very young age. Remarkably good at peeling potatoes and chopping onions. Crochets cute scarves in the evenings. (He's... not SUPER great at that one, a long rectangle is about what he can make, but it's a really sweet gesture, they're warm, and they do look pretty darn cute.)

Why Someone Might Love Them: He's a very gentle soul that's very non-judgemental, and curious about everything- especially other people's faiths. To him, as long as you believe in something wholeheartedly and are willing to fight for it, it's an honorable belief, and an honorable fight. That's why he doesn't judge Shadowheart for her Shar-worship, why he understands Lae'zel's devotion to Vlaakith, why he was willing to try the ritual for Loviatar, and, yeah, why he feels for Gale so deeply on the whole Mystra-issue. (And, because he's definitely very much into Gale, just in general.)

Why Someone Might Hate Them: I feel like that honor is a double-edged sword in this way, in that because of it, he has a way of setting expectations very high for others, and feeling undue disappointment when they fall short of the expectations he imposed on them. As in, he's, on a deep level, very annoyed with Gale for just accepting that he's gonna have to blow up, because Arvid thinks of that as Gale having rolled over and just given up. One of the worst things one can do in Arvid's eyes is giving up without a fight. (Things were kind of tense between them for a few days after meeting Elminster. After the fussy attention Arvid showers everyone in as their healer, I think Gale definitely felt the slight chill in the air there.)

How They Change: It's still a bit in progress, but I think he'll grow to accept that there's a bit more to the world than fully right and fully wrong, even within the same action, and the same paradigm. The way he handled the githyanki egg is definitely a sign of that change- he balked at the request first, it seemed unthinkable that it could in any way be better for a young gith to be raised outside of their community, but... yeah, wiping out a crèche (leaving nobody left to take care of it) and finding a note that the egg was going to be destroyed changed his perspective on things. At small hours when he can't sleep, he still thinks about what's gonna happen to that githyanki (and when he handed it over, he did look at the others and say "I hope we're all in agreement that we're not going to tell Lae'zel about this.", which is... not a lie that leaves a good taste in his mouth.)

Why You Love Them: I mean, he's a good li'l upstanding lawful good cleric boy who thinks letting a vampire bite him is the same as providing healthcare, and makes his companions cute accessories to keep them nice and cozy. He's the dwarf dad(dy?) we all need, with a fantasy fanny pack full of fruit snacks. (Really, he does carry almost all their rations on the road. So technically, he does pass out the snacks. I imagine a short rest is pretty much a snack break.)

His mustache curving up like that also gives him a permanent little smile, which I think is adorable.

#personal #arvid trygg #baldur's gate 3 #squirrel plays bg3 #lots of useless info in here about The Boy #tbh I find myself referring to him almost exclusively as that #The Boy or just Blue #which I think is a cute little pet name too #“Darling Blue”#i'll work it out

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heyyallitssatan · 1 year

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So, this popped up on my Pinterest

And I’ve never in my life been able to express this so clearly

I don’t hate kids, I actually kind of like them, I like my nieces and nephews, and I don’t mind baby sitting and playing with them, but when I was 11 and was put in charge of all of my cousins who ranged from less than 1 year younger to 8 years younger than me, I hated it, I hated being the oldest, I hated being the oldest girl cause I can tell you right now my only other cousin who was put in charge of “watching the kids” was my female cousin who was six months younger than me, but my male cousin who was 8 months younger, nope, nothing for him, he’s just a kid

I told everyone my entire life that I never wanted to have kids, meaning I don’t want to be a bio parent, and that’s because

1: I’m terrified of pregnancy, mine, someone else’s, fuck I get creeped out by pregnant seahorses at the aquarium, I hate it, it definitely doesn’t help that I spent my whole hearing stories of how everyone in my family had the most awful pregnancies with tons of complications, there has yet to be a child born in the last two generations in my family that wasn’t a c section because of complications, anyway, literally terrifies me, it’s a legitimate phobia that I have talked to my therapist about, she told me that it’s phobia level bullshit in my brain

2: I hate babies, like I think kids are cool and I can chill with kids over the age of two, but infants, fucking babies, absolutely not, I fucking hate them, I don’t want to be around, I don’t want to hold them, fuck that, I’m immune to baby fever cause every time I’m in ten feet of one I can’t stop thinking get it away from me, I just fucking hate them

But, I was told every single fucking time I said I don’t want kids “you’ll grow out of it” “you’ll change your mind when you get older” “everyone says that when they’re young” and my absolute favourite “you’re too young to know”, my family, particularly my grandmother, also said every time “your mother said the same, but she changed her mind too”

My mother didn’t change her mind, she didn’t want kids, at the very least, not when she had me, my parents weren’t even married when my mom found out she was pregnant with me, and they weren’t planning on doing anything like kids or marriage for a long time, but one little accident later and he entire life was turned on it’s head, I know she loves me and doesn’t regret what she did, but I also know she still wonders what life would have been like if they hadn’t ever had me, and every fucking time my grandmother says that it makes me want to scream

For fucks sake, when my great grandmother started telling me to give her some more grand babies before she dies and I reminded her I I am sixteen, and also gay, she told me “well that’s why they got that artificial insemination”

What the fuck, I was sixteen, I should have been focused on school, or sports, or having fun, this bitch wanted me to be a fucking teen parent

#fucking bullshit man #never gonna fucking have kids #maybe I’ll adopt some older kids or something if my partner(s) are interested #and we’re financially stable #and if I’ve at least addressed my own issues and can recognise and control my own reactions and responses #to some degree #I know I won’t be perfect at ever #but I’d like to be good enough that I can recognise when I’m overwhelmed or upset and take a step away #anyway #i’m done ranting #patriarchy #parenting #pregnancy #ew #family #fuck that #tagging #I’m done tagging now

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absurdthirst · 3 years

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Keri, dearest tumblr mother. I recently found out that condoms aren't as effective as I thought (I thought it was 99% but is actually between 85-95% depending on the source) and this scared the ever loving shit out of me. Although my partner and I use two forms of protection (condoms and pill) I never want to have sex again! I'm terrified of pregnancy but there's no way that I can get my tubes tied in my early 20s and I wouldn't ask my partner to get a vasectomy yet.

I know my fears surrounding pregnancy are borderlines on being a phobia and I'm on a waiting list for therapy.

It feels like cutting sex cold turkey isn't quite the right option but I don't know what to do. I have no idea how to approach this problem until I can get professional help.

Any advice for calming these kinds of fears in the mean time would be great.

It is true that the only 100% effective method of birth control is abstaining from sex, that's not the answer for this.

Your birth control pill also provides an extra layer of protection. If you wanted to, you can triple down on your protection by adding a spermicidal gel or strip. You would then have to go through a condom, your birth control and a spermicidal gel for that swimmer to be alive and get to your egg. Info from the Mayo Clinic on spermicidal gel here

You can also start tracking your ovulation. Conception is most likely to occur around this time frame. While I know this article is about trying to get pregnant, understanding ovulation is a key to avoiding it as well.

If you and your partner are serious about never having children and you have a plan to be together, you can certainly ask him to get a vasectomy, however there are failure rates with that as well. There are failure rates with all permanent forms of birth control unless you count a hysterectomy and then you are going to be on hormones for the rest of your life.

Therapy is definitely something that you need to pursue once you are off the waiting list to help cope.

Condom, pill, spermicidal gel should be enough to combat those fear. If they aren't, keep a Plan B around. Although I am sure that there are cautions of using method too much as well.

I hope this helps!!!!

#real talk #tw pregnancy mention #tw medication #tw sex

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imgoingtohellsofuckit · 4 years

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Baby Reid

Spencer Reid x Reader

Summary - Reader finds out she’s pregnant and has to tell Spencer.

Warning - pregnancy

word count - 3.8k

I’ve been binge watching Criminal Minds and reading hella Spencer fics and I’ve been loving Dad Spencer so here ya go.

"Pregnant?" Y/n looks at the doctor in slight horror. The doctor nods.

"Seems so Miss L/n," The doctor says smiling lightly, "congratulations."

Y/n's eyes drift over to her sister.

"Yeah congrats," Her sister says softly. A light smirk covering her expression.

"How far along?" Y/n asks the doctor.

"8 weeks," The doctor shares, "it's not uncommon to find out around the 4-12 week mark. We recommend doing an ultrasound today. Just to make sure that everything is alright. Is that okay?"

"Sure," Y/n says softly. The doctor nods moving the machine towards the girl. Prepping her for the ultrasound. Y/n's sister takes the girl's hand gently. Trying to offer some sort of support.

"There is the little guy," The doctor says, "and that's the heartbeat."

The faces remain tense. The doctor sighs lightly.

"I can get the ultrasound pictures for you- I'll be right back," They tell the pair of girls before heading out. The second they leave the room Y/n's sister starts.

"Holy crap you're pregnant!"

"Kate shut the hell up," Y/n says harshly, "God you're such a bitch sometimes."

"I mean I'm right," Kate says chuckling lightly, "well how do you feel?"

"Terrified," Y/n sighs.

"How are you gonna tell him?"

"No clue yet," Y/n says softly, "he's supposed to be flying back tonight too. They finished their case earlier than they thought they would..." She fidgets with the edge of her jacket. "What am I even going to tell him?"

"'Hey Spencer turns out you knocked me up,'" Kate says chuckling lightly, "pretty boy couldn't keep his hands to himself. You think with all those FBI cases he'd be too busy to rail you huh?" Y/n rolls her eyes harshly. "Did you at least enjoy your last time with him before you split from hole to hole?"

"Are you really going there?" Y/n asks harshly.

"Always," She says smirking lightly. Y/n scoffs. "Are you okay?"

"Nervous," Y/n says moving her hand over her stomach, "I don't know how I'm going to speak to him about this ya know? We never really had that are we gonna have kids talk? Figured it was after we finished talking about the marriage thing."

"Which you still aren't done with huh?"

"Clearly not Kate considering we haven't gotten anywhere with that," Y/n huffs, "I mean we want to get married- that's as far as we got with looking into our future. I mean he's so busy. He's doing so much with his job right now that planning a wedding in all that is kind of a nightmare ya know." Kate nods lightly. "I mean we've been talking about getting engaged for like almost 8 months now and we haven't even started looking into the whole wedding part of the thing." Y/n looks to her sister at once. "If he can't even stay home long enough to talk to me about the wedding I highly doubt he'll have enough time to worry about a baby-"

"What about that Hotch guy? His boss he has a kid right?"

"Yeah- a kid he never sees and an ex-wife," Y/n says harshly. Kate raises a brow.

"Okay put Spencer isn't Hotch," Kate points out, "he's Spencer. He's different - In a good way. Obviously right." Y/n's eyes fall to the ground. "He's Spencer he's not going to leave you. You two are joined at the hip."

"How do you talk to people about this stuff?" Y/n asks, "I mean how do you tell someone you've given them 18 years minimum of responsibility-"

"No not you've given him- it takes two," Kate starts at once, "and I'm sure he was all about it."

"You're disgusting."

"But?"

"Of course he's all about it," Y/n says smirking lightly. But it drops immediately. "That's not the point. Jesus, Kate -"

The door opening ends the conversation. The doctor hands over an envelope. "There are the ultrasound pictures and video. We recommend setting up a follow-up appointment at 12 weeks. There is a pamphlet in there that goes other recommended appointments and other tips like foods to avoid all the basics with pregnancy." Y/n nods. "You should be set to go."

The sisters use this to finally leave the hospital. When they reach Kate's car Y/n opens up the envelope to look over the ultrasound photos.

"That's inside of me?" Y/n asks.

"That's what she said-"

"Kate," She says harshly. The sister laughs loudly.

"Fine fine I'll stop," Kate says as she leans over to look at the pictures, "wow it's so small. Kind of blobby looking- I guess it takes time before they get cute huh?" Y/n gives her sister a harsh glance. "Maybe put the pictures in a card? Give him that."

"Yeah, I'm sure that'll go over great," Y/n says. She groans slightly. "What am I gonna do?"

"How's your fiancé?"

Spencer looks up from his book to meet the pressing eyes of JJ. She's not trying to push in any regard rather she's just curious. Wondering how the couple was doing with everything. The job is high stress and JJ knows how much that can weigh on the partners.

"Oh Y/n she's alright," Spencer tells his friend, "she hasn't been feeling great the last couple of days. She thinks flu- her symptoms match enough that it could make sense however there hasn't exactly been a fever. But she won't let me close enough to know. She says I get overbearing when she's sick- that I'm not exactly helpful."

"What? No way," Morgan says chuckling lightly looking up from his own book to join the conversation, "I don't believe that."

Spencer smiles lightly. JJ chuckles.

"I can understand what she means," JJ says brightly, "don't take what she said to heart. You know how girls get when they aren't feeling well-"

"Except I don't," Spencer says, "I only really have experience with Y/n I mean before her I never lived with a girl that wasn't related to me."

"Still you know enough from her and the girls here," Morgan says, "I think you've picked up on enough." Spencer disagrees but he doesn't argue. He's a little too busy in his own head to care about Morgan's remarks. He's worried about his girlfriend. He wants to be there for her- even if she wouldn't actually let him near her.

"You alright Spence?" JJ asks.

"I'm fine just worried about Y/n," Spencer admits, "If it's not the flu it could be something else- and she hates the hospital so she's not exactly trying to go to do anything about it. Despite how many facts I give her about how dangerous the flu could actually be." Spencer rambles on. Morgan and JJ exchange an amused look. "That's why she doesn't want me around when she's sick huh?"

"I'd imagine," JJ says.

"You stress her out," Morgan says, "in a time you don't need to stress her out."

"He's wording it harshly," JJ tells Spencer, "you just make it a little bit harder for her when she's already going through it. Don't worry plenty of people do that. It's just cause you are worried about her." JJ gives Spencer a soft smile. Trying to show some support.

"Her sister was supposed to take her to the hospital," Spencer tells them, "but knowing Kate I'm sure that they never actually went."

"Y/n doesn't like hospitals?"

"Not since her dad died," Spencer shares, "it's not the hospital itself but what it represents. It's common for people who lose parents in adolescence to have mild phobias of places like hospitals or police stations." They nod along. Spencer sighs. "She made that face the first time I told her too. Her words were 'thank you for mansplaining my trauma Spence'." Morgan chuckles lightly.

"Yeah, I can imagine," Emily says, "I don't think anyone would exactly love that."

"Normally my rambling doesn't bother her it was just that time really," Spencer goes on, "her sister hates hospitals as well so I don't know why I let her talk me into letting Kate take her to the hospital."

"Because she's pretty and your whipped," Emily says with a big smirk.

"She's got you there," Morgan says. Spencer chuckles lightly.

He smiles lightly as he looks over to his phone.

"That her?" JJ asks. He moves flipping it open.

"Yeah, she wants to know if she should pick me up or if I'm taking the train," Spencer tells them.

"Anything about the hospital?"

"She didn't say anything about it," Spencer tells them, "how long until we land?"

"2 minutes," Hotch chimes in, "Reid you should make her go to the hospital if she hasn't yet. It could be more than just the flu. You know that."

"I know," Spencer says, "If she hasn't gone today I'll take her for sure." Hotch gives him a careful nod. They start gathering their things. Prepping for the landing.

The second Reid collects his things from the office he meets his fiancé at her car.

"You didn't have to pick me up," Spence says as he and his coworkers file out. His fiancé is leaning against the hood of her car smiling lightly at the man. "You should be in bed resting."

"I got my second wind," Y/n says simply.

"Go to the hospital like a normal person," Garcia says teasing the girl. Y/n chuckles.

"Kate took me to the hospital," Y/n informs the others, "it's just a minor bug. Don't let Spencer get you all worried." JJ exchanges a quick look with Garcia. It goes mostly unnoticed as the others watch as Spencer takes his partner's hand. He pecks her cheek. Making sure not to be too close or too touchy in front of the others. Y/n smiles at her partner. Moving to tuck a piece of his hair behind his ear. "I'm fine Spence."

"Look at how in love they are," Emily teases, "it's disgusting."

"Loverman," Morgan teases.

"Classy," Spencer says, "if you guys are done harassing me and my girlfriend I'll see you guys tomorrow."

"Bye Guys it was nice to see you again," Y/n says brightly. Hiding her nerves slightly. As they climb into the car she looks over to her partner. Her mood ever so slightly dropping. If Reid wasn't a profiler he wouldn't have picked up on it. However, in his line of work, he was able to read people like a book- even if he missed slight social cues.

"You alright?" He asks. Y/n keeps her eyes focused on the road. "Did I do something?"

"Spence you didn't do anything," She says softly, "I'm fine. Just a little stressed babe." His eyes don't move off of the girl. He's watching her so intently. Clearly using his work skills in an attempt to read the girl. "Stop profiling me, Spencer."

"I'm sorry," He says apologetically. She chuckles lightly. Moving to pull his hand into hers. Pecking it lightly.

"Spencer my love you didn't do anything," She says sweetly, "I'm simply working through some things. We all have our moments."

"We should work through things together," Spencer starts, "We're a couple."

"I'm aware we're a couple, Spencer," She says giving him a quick glance, "I know we should work through stuff together but you know sometimes we have things we aren't ready to talk about yet." He looks over nervously. "You didn't do anything... What do you think you did?"

"I don't know what I did," He says honestly, "I just didn't know if I said something wrong or did something wrong."

"No, you didn't do anything," Y/n assures him, "listen I've just been thinking today... Do you still want to get married?"

"Yes of course," He says, "I know we've had a problem planning everything but I still want to get married. Do you?"

"I want to get married," She says.

He nods.

"So what got you thinking about it?" He asks, "I mean you don't typically get worried about this stuff."

"I've been thinking a lot about the future-"

"Uh oh."

"It's nothing to be worried about Spencer," She says as she tries to focus her eyes on the road. "I'm just trying to think about things you know. You're in the FBI, you work a lot and I stay behind a lot. It works out fine now- but that kinda stress ruins relationships."

"What are you talking about?"

"50% of marriages end in divorce Spencer," She goes on, "do you ever think about that? I mean we both come from broken homes. Is there a point in all this?"

"What are you saying?" Spencer asks. Clear distress in his voice. "are you trying to break up with me?"

"NO no!" She exclaims, "I'm not trying to break up with you actually the complete opposite. I'm just being cynical because I'm scared."

"You aren't making any sense," Spencer says softly.

"I don't know how to say it, Spence," She says quietly. She sighs. Thankful to see their apartment. "Maybe we should have this conversation inside."

"Are we fighting?"

"We aren't fighting Spencer," She says as she climbs from the car, "come on."

"Seems like we are about to fight," Spencer says under his breath. She sighs taking his hand. Leading him through the hallway to get to their apartment. Once inside she moves into Spencer's arms. Helping him shove off his bag. "Woah that was a dramatic shift-"

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you," She says as she cups his cheek. He seems very clearly confused. "Don't twist my words. That's not me confessing to trying to run away or anything. Okay?" He nods lightly. "How was your day?"

"You're deflecting- how bad was the hospital?" Spencer starts. Worry filling his expression. "Are you okay?" She chuckles lightly. "Why are you laughing?"

"Spencer, what are you thinking?"

"Somethings wrong- you're sick," He starts, "are you?"

"No," She says simply. She pulls her hands away from him. "I started thinking about our future today- because when I went to the hospital they realized my symptoms aren't flu. They ran a bunch of tests. Trying to figure it out." His face is coated in worry.

"Y/n?"

"Have you ever thought about having kids?" She asks. His eyes scan every inch of her face.

"No, not really," He admits, "why-" His eyes widen. "Are you?"

"Spencer I'm pregnant," She says softly. He seems scared. She moves to cup his cheeks. He looks like he's gonna pass out. He pulls back. Moving to sit on the couch. He's just staring past her. A whirlwind of emotions across his face. "I'm pregnant... Spencer say something." He doesn't. He looks up at her. "Spencer how dare this be the time you are speechless."

"How-how far along?"

"8 weeks," She tells him.

"I'm gonna be a dad," He says softly. He meets her eyes. A slight smile across his face. "I'm gonna be a dad."

"Yeah," She chuckles. He moves to wrap his arms around her. Holding on carefully. As he pulls back he moves his hand down onto her stomach. As if he could already feel the baby. "We are gonna be parents." He chuckles. A big smile across their faces. "Is that okay?"

"Yes that's okay," He says brightly, "more than okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," He says brightly.

She moves pulling the envelope from her purse. Handing the pictures over to Spencer. He looks over them brightly.

"Cool right?" She asks.

"Yeah- you know the ultrasound is actually sound waves the frequencies are higher than the upper audible limit of human hearing," Spencer starts, "Ultrasounds in this form is actually called acoustic microscopy-" He stops as he meets her eyes. "We're gonna have a baby."

"Kate says that we'll have really cute kids," She says as he looks back down to the pictures, "she wants them to have your eyes."

"Why?"

"She likes your eyes more than mine apparently," She shrugs, "I think the baby will be cute either way." He nods lightly. She moves beside him to look at the picture. "it's so little."

"Rough weights .04 ounces and measures about .63 inches," Spencer says, "about the size of a raspberry."

"A raspberry?" She says as she moves her hand down to her stomach. "That's so small. Kind of hard to believe." He chuckles. "Can I see your hand?" He nods. She moves to place his hand on her stomach. "When they did the ultrasound the baby was right here- I know we can't feel anything but-" He nods lightly. "Spencer?"

"Yeah baby?"

"Are you really happy about this?"

"Yes I'm actually happy about this- I mean I'm nervous sure terrified even but I'm happy," Spencer assures her, "am I not supposed to be?"

"No no that's not what I meant- I mean I was so scared to tell you I didn't want you to feel trapped or that I ruined your life-"

"Ruined my life?" Spencer asks, "you've made my life a hundred times better- and sure this wasn't planned but it doesn't mean I'm not excited... It brings up practical problems like we don't have the space here- so we'll have to look at new place. Child care when we both are working. Do we want to look at nannies or daycares? But I figured we could worry about the questions later. That now we should just be excited." She smiles lightly. "I don't feel trapped either- I mean kids is a natural progression of things and we've mentioned wanting them before."

"Yeah but out of nowhere like this it can make you feel a little trapped-"

"Around 9 out of 100 women would become pregnant in a year of taking the pill- it's only 91% effective," Spencer starts, "in general unplanned pregnancies' are fairly common in long term relationships where the women is on the pill. We knew it was possible."

"Possible and it happening are two separate things-"

"You were nervous so you created reasons on why I'd be upset," Spencer says, "you wanted me to be upset."

"No- Spencer stop profiling me," She says at once.

"It's not profiling," Spencer says, "I'm not mad- or upset. I'm happy. Stop trying to make that a bad thing."

"I'm not making it a bad things," She sighs, "I was just worried you'd be upset. I'm glad you aren't. Makes me feel a whole lot better." He nods. Moving to take his fiancés hands "This will be a fun change from looking at wedding things... Now we get to look at a new place... House or another apartment?"

"I enjoy apartment life but space wise it would make more sense to look at houses," Spencer says. Y/n nods clearly satisfied with that answer. She smiles as she drags her partner towards the couch. "You eat yet?"

"No not yet wanna order something?"

"Sure," Spencer says as he grabs his phone to dial one of the takeout places. "Got a preference?"

"No I'm sure you can pick for us," She says as she grabs her laptop, "3 bedroom?"

"3?"

"Office space maybe," She starts, "library space? Huge walk in closet- you could have a nice tie wall." Spencer chuckles loudly. "Extra space in general pretty boy." He chuckles. "I think I found a place- look at this cute huh?"

"You're getting a little ahead of yourself-"

"Always Dr. Reid," She says brightly. He smiles. "I hope the baby has your smile."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah you have a cute smile."

"You have a cute smile too," Spencer says as he moves his arm around his wife, "Thai sound good?"

"Thai sound great," She says, "and thanks love." He moves reciting their order like he's done hundreds of times. She moves looking through the houses.

Despite all her original fears. It went right. Spencer was happy to hear about a baby. Excited even. It was working out for her.

"Thanks," Spencer says, "40 minutes."

"We should hold off on telling anyone until I tell my mom," She says, "and we should plan to go see yours." Spencer tenses lightly. "I think she should hear this in person."

"Alright I'll look at weekends I can take off," Spencer starts, "we can fly out then."

"In the meantime I need you to keep this on the down low," Y/n tells him, "don't go sharing this around. I don't need the entire FBI to know before I even get to tell my mom." He nods lightly. "But I know they are your family- so you can tell them after Friday. That good enough for you?"

"Perfect with me," Spencer says.

She smiles pulling him into a quick kiss. She knew they would be fine.

Bonus

The next day Spencer could hardly keep the dopey smile off of his face. Everyone knew something was going on. They weren't trying to press too much. But ultimately Spencer let it out on his own.

"What is Reid over there reading?" JJ asks as she leans closer to Emily. The girls try looking over the desk to see the man holding his book. Clearly trying to be discreet. He placed the book on his desk hoping to cover the book's title.

"Here is the best way to find out," Emily says standing from her desk. She moves pulling the book from his hand.

"Hey give that back!" Spencer exclaims.

"'What to expect when you're expecting a guide for new parents' You're having a baby!"

"What?!" JJ exclaims rushing towards them, "you and Y/n are expecting! Oh, that's amazing!"

"We haven't told anyone yet so keep it quiet-"

"Why are you three screaming?" Morgan asks as he and Garcia gather, "it's way too early for that."

"Reid's gonna be a dad," Emily says with a smirk.

"You knocked her up!" Garcia exclaims, "awe genius babies!"

"My man I didn't think you had it in you," Morgan says with a cocky smirk, "nice one Pretty boy."

"We were supposed to be keeping it quiet," Spencer says clearly getting annoyed with the others. He reaches to grab the book from Emily. However, she yanks it back. "Well so much for waiting til friday- any chance we can at least keep this from Hotch and Rossi? Make it seem like I tried not to get it out."

"What are you hiding from us?" Hotch asks firmly. He and Rossi were walking down from their offices.

"Baby Reid is own it's way," Garcia announces.

"Or let's tell Hotch and Rossi," Spencer says, "why listen to me huh?"

"Sorry Reid," Garcia says, "it's just too exciting! A baby!"

"Congratulations Reid," Hotch says, "how far along is she?"

"8 months," Spencer tells them, "she just found out yesterday."

"Solved the mystery illness," Rossi says.

"Yeah," Spencer says, "like I was telling them Y/n and I were trying to keep it under wraps because she hasn't told her mom yet- Then Prentiss and JJ decided they needed to know what I was reading-"

"You were being suspicious Reid," Emily says in her own defense, "And I was curious." Reid rolls his eyes. "You know the gender yet?"

"I'm done talking about this," Reid says as he yanks the book away from Emily, "I've got reports to work on."

"He's right everyone should get back to work," Hotch says forcefully. Spencer sighs as he looks back to his book. He slips something from the page he left off on. The ultrasound picture. He smiles lightly.

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #criminal minds #spencer reid criminal minds #dad spencer reid

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mostlycompetentwriter · 4 years

Text

“Small Things”- A Phobia Sequel

F/M Pairing: OC x Bang Chan (SKZ)

Word Count: 2.1K

Warnings: Explicit language, mentions of violence, mature content

Genre: Mafia AU

Summary: The birth of his first child puts a lot of things in perspective for Chan, and he’s determined to do everything in his power to keep his family safe.

There were a lot of things in Chan’s life that he could’ve never predicted. For example, when he was just ten-years-old, he met two younger classmates in Mrs. Park’s fifth grade group who he never imagined would become his most reliable confidants. But hindsight was 20/20, and Han Jisung used to be a mess of small limbs and puffy cheeks who had an uncanny knack for sweet-talking the assistant teachers into allowing him an extra portion of chocolate. Meanwhile, quiet and leering Seo Changbin was the shortest kid in class, but it certainly never made him appear any less intimidating. Together, the three of them were a formidable force, and they found it very difficult to stay apart. Yet, Chan’s only regret when it came to his friendships was the harsh and demanding mafia world that he had brought them into as business partners.

Likewise, when Chan met his future wife for the very first time, she was nothing more than the daughter of the man who had murdered his parents and threatened to harm his friends. It was surely enough justification to convince Chan that he should stay away from anyone associated with that vile and horrible man who he was forced to serve. But his daughter was nothing like her father - and Chan was always the type to observe people from a distance and learn as much about them as he could. He listened with patience, and he was quick at sorting his enemies from his allies.

It wasn’t long before Chan found himself completely enamored with the daughter of the man he hated the most - and Chan was determined that she should never have to suffer anymore. In fact, it only took one stupid decision from her father before Chan was leading her as far away from that horrible life as possible. They settled down together, and Chan started to build his own reputation in a competitive world where survival of the fittest was taken quite literally.

Consequently, Chan learned to keep his wife near him at all costs, and she was never in the direct line of fire. Chan only brought her along when he knew that there would be no danger to her well-being, but even that eventually had to stop with the unanticipated surprise of her pregnancy. Thereafter, Chan worked tirelessly to ensure that his future child would have a good life, and he was determined to keep his personal life completely separate from his business affairs.

But after so many close-calls with rivals and partners alike, Chan decided to take a huge step down from his role as the prime authority figure in their organization. Jisung and Changbin were more than willing to fill his shoes because that’s the kind of the friends that they were - perhaps even more like brothers at the core. In any case, Chan’s role became minimal, and he wanted to be there for every step of his child’s life - even if that meant giving up what he had once prioritized and considered most important.

But life had a way of constantly changing - and Chan’s priorities shifted as well. Gone were the days of late-night stakeouts and meetings with buff and angry drug dealers who always wanted more than what they were worth. Instead, Chan traded most of his responsibilities for the simple pleasure of waking up next to his wife with their daughter sleeping in the middle of the bed.

It always brought a smile to Chan’s face: to simply glance over and see the tiniest and most innocent face in the entire world looking back at him with wide eyes that promised an unequivocal love. For his entire life, Chan had always fought for what he wanted, and he used his fists and cunning tongue to help him in most situations. Yet, when it came to his wife and daughter, everything was so much easier - there wasn’t any stress to burden his shoulders, and he never felt the need to constantly survey his surroundings for any sign of trouble.

None of that was necessary anymore, and Chan was beyond grateful for the inclusion of his own little family to cherish. Some might say that his world got a lot smaller, but Chan didn’t quite see it that way. His leadership of a mafia organization meant danger and deception around every corner, but being a husband and a father promised a future full of happiness as opposed to the constant risk of death and destruction.

It was a massive upgrade in his opinion, and Chan widened his eyes when he saw his daughter start to squirm around on the bed as if in discomfort. But Chan’s fatherly instincts were surprisingly natural, and he carefully collected his little girl into his arms for the short expedition to the bathroom. Chan gently laid her down on the changing table - starting the process of providing a fresh diaper while his daughter studied him with big, brown eyes that looked a lot like his own.

“There you go,” Chan said, smiling down at the joyful bundle who allowed a series of incoherent gurgles to escape.

It was at that moment that Chan’s phone chose to go off, and he sighed because he knew that it meant he was needed elsewhere. But he allowed the call to go to his voicemail while he brought his daughter back to bed, brushing a kiss across his wife’s forehead as he watched them both journey back to sleep.

In the meantime, Chan walked downstairs to stand on the outdoor patio, choosing a more private area to return Jisung’s phone call. It only rang twice before his familiar voice was offering a greeting: “Chan, we’ve got a problem.”

“Yeah, I’m listening,” Chan said, trying not to let his annoyance bleed through his tone as he allowed Jisung to explain the complicated meeting they were planning with one of the area’s biggest drug lords. Apparently, he wanted to meet with Chan directly, and Chan briefly wondered what could be so important than neither Jisung nor Changbin could satisfy this impossible man. “I’ll be there tonight,” Chan said, ending the call with an exaggerated groan of displeasure.

The club that had been chosen as their designated meeting place was one of the raunchiest in town. It made Chan uncomfortable to see the scantily-clad women waltzing around the joint, even if Changbin and Jisung were clearly enjoying themselves. “This is my type of place,” Jisung remarked, eyes shining with mischief while he plopped a blonde onto his lap. She was young and beautiful, and she certainly had no qualms about giving Jisung an impromptu handjob through the front of his skinny jeans.

Meanwhile, Changbin hadn’t taken his hands away from the attractive brunette who had spent a good solid five minutes complimenting his biceps before Changbin was pulling her along to their designated table. His lips were glued to the side of her neck, and Chan was growing slightly annoyed with the sound of her pornographic moans as if Changbin was somehow capable of giving her an orgasm simply by painting her throat with love-bites. “Let’s be professional,” Chan said, even if he knew that it would be hard to convince his friends to turn their attention away from two very willing women.

It was actually a good tactic on the part of their host - a useful distraction to lower their guards. Too bad Chan had outgrown these tasteless maneuvers, and he could handle himself while his friends had a bit of fun with their women. Of course, the host himself was rather extravagant with introductions, and Chan rolled his eyes when a richly-dressed young man marched himself through the entrance with several women attached to his arms and a big, burly bodyguard trailing along behind him.

“I’m sorry to keep you waiting,” he said upon his arrival to their table. “My name is Don, and it’s an honor to meet the infamous leader of the Miroh Organization.”

Chan forced a smile in return. “Likewise.”

“Well,” Don continued, taking a seat next to Chan. “I can see your men are taking full advantage of our offerings.”

Chan grimaced when he realized that Jisung and Changbin had yet to acknowledge the presence of their host. “I’m sure they’re very grateful.”

“But you don’t seem to be sharing their opinion,” Don remarked. “Are they not to your satisfaction?”

“I’m not interested,” Chan said, and it was hard to notice - the barely visible upturn to Don’s upper lip as if he wasn’t happy to hear Chan say that.

“I see,” Don said, glancing between the two girls standing at his shoulders. “I didn’t want to believe the rumors, but I guess they’re true.”

“Rumors?” Chan repeated with an admirable level of patience.

“About your wife and child,” Don said, and Chan felt a sickly shudder creep down his spine. Because nobody was supposed to know about his daughter. “What a great risk for you,” Don continued. “How can you even ensure their safety?”

“We’re here to negotiate a deal,” Chan said, and he noticed that both Changbin and Jisung had finally tuned in after hearing mention of his family.

“And I’m simply proposing a few useful bargaining chips,” Don said with a sardonic sneer. “Let me say this, Mr. Bang: your asking price is outrageous. We want $10,000, or else you might never see your family again.”

Chan felt the entire world come to a standstill at Don’s declaration - like a dark curtain had suddenly eclipsed all the light left to guide his path and there was nothing left. For his entire life, Chan had never really valued his life all that much; in fact, he didn’t fear death or the prospect of what came after this existence. But the idea of hearing his wife or daughter’s lives threatened? Well, Chan had never felt a comparable rage to the one suffocating his lungs and igniting a fierce passion deep down inside of him. “This is not good business, Don,” Chan managed through the haze of red. “You won’t see a single penny from my organization, and if I see you or any of the scum associated with your shady dealership again, then I won’t hesitate to put a bullet straight through your head.”

He exhaled slowly when he stood up from the table, feeling some satisfaction when Jisung and Changbin dismissed their playthings in return. Because their loyalty was far more profound, and they would always stand by his side. Then, he gave Don one last warning glare before he led his men out of that horrible place - with no intentions of ever coming back.

Chan was still shaking from adrenaline when he walked into his bedroom later that evening, and there was a sense of relief when he saw his wife lounging on their shared bed with his daughter steadily falling asleep in her arms. It was everything that mattered the most to Chan, and he took a step into the quiet room while running a stiff hand through his messy hair. “Hey,” Chan whispered to catch his wife’s attention.

She smiled at him, and it was enough to clear the earlier tension that had rested heavy on his chest. “You were gone for a while,” she said.

Chan nodded, and he paused next to her bedside. “Can I hold her?”

His wife seemed to notice the latent fear and uncertainty in his tone. “Of course,” she said, and Chan brought the wriggling bundle closer to his chest, looking down at his daughter because there was an undeniable innocence reflected in her eyes that dispelled all the cruelty of the world that he was forced to endure during his meeting. “Did it not go well?” his wife asked, studying him with the same look that he had grown used to seeing - the one that told him she was not at all satisfied with whatever was happening.

“It...caught me off-guard,” he replied, reaching down to adjust the collar of his daughter’s shirt.

“Do you need to talk about it?”

Chan shook his head. “I think it would upset you.”

His wife inhaled sharply. “That bad?”

“It’s nothing that I can’t handle,” Chan said, and he was fiercely determined as he lowered himself down to the bed. “I’ll always protect my family.”

It was a solemn promise that was often difficult to keep in his world, but he had never felt this much love for anyone else before. Yeah, the mafia world was full of constant danger and seemingly endless trials and tribulations, but Chan wouldn’t dare say that he preferred that world to the one he kept safely hidden away from harm. Because his wife and daughter? They were his greatest adventure - and he would do everything in his power to give them the best that life had to offer.

#stray kids #stayverse #stray kids fanfic #skz fanfic #stray kids bang chan #skz bang chan #skz bang chan fanfic #bang chan fanfic #stray kids drabbles #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids writer #mostlycompetent #requested

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breesays · 3 years

Text

The 2005 Journal Entry

Here’s a LiveJournal entry I wrote sixteen years ago. Imagine listening to The Smiths “How Soon Is Now?” on repeat while bloodletting these words.

I am the son

And the heir

Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar

I am the son and heir

Oh, of nothing in particular

This was mostly, I guess, about Friday night. I'm pretty candid with you, so I'll tell you we almost slept together. Like .5 seconds away from it being too late to say I'm still holdin' a V-card. I changed my mind at the last minute. Why? I'll tell you something different every time you, or anyone else, asks. I can get real creative if prompted, like "I can't have sex in a room that costs less than $350 a night!"- I couldn't handle him being gone for a month afterwards. (Are you kidding? I would prefer it)- No protection (Whatever, I had one in my wallet)- I wanted to see how he'd react (This was to perpetuate my villainous rep)- Giving it away is a big deal (After 2 years, no, not really)- I was afraid he'd reject me afterward. The last being the closest to the truth... but ultimately, I stopped it because in my head, there was a voice saying, " It's not supposed to be like this." Let me clarify. I don't expect rose petals and sweet nothings and the fucking philharmonic playing behind me. I did, however, expect to... want to. It may be more true to call it infatuation, but I love ** more than I have ever loved anyone else. He's the one I've been closest to, physically, emotionally, etc. I love talking to him, love his voice, love his smartass humor, I love the way, when he's walking away, he'll hold my hand until we're too far apart to do so. I have strong comfort fantasies. I was ready to sleep with him, on principle. We've talked about it. It was not about fear, or pain, or anything like that. I just didn't want to, and I was really confused about that. Really, distressingly confused. I wanted to wrap myself around him like a clip-on koala toy and listen to his heart beat... I want to be with him. SO bad. But I had no desire, whatsoever, to have sex with him.

I locked myself in the bathroom and thought of everytime I ever went dead before. Every time. Every time. I've never once, in my life, wanted to have sex. I've tried to attribute it to a lot of things. Fear of intimacy. Commitment phobia. I've even presented a fucking biochemical argument (sex produces a chemical that promotes attachment and dude, I can't be attached). Fear of pregnancy, of weight gain when I go on birth control, of STD's. Fear of it being painful (Please. I ran 6 fucking miles on a sprained ankle. Don't ever let me tell you I can't handle pain). I've feigned panic attacks, said I was saving it for marriage, tried to find religious beliefs that aligned with it. I tested for personality disorders (I'm really shockingly stable). I don't have issues with my self-esteem, and I'm pretty happy with my body despite the on again off again eating disorder. I've never been abused. I have no certifiable psychological "issues." I went to the Dr. (OB-GYN) with the silent, aching hope she'd find me physically incapable of the act, so I'd have a lifelong excuse. But. I'm healthy.

You shut your mouth

How can you say I go about things the wrong way?

I am Human and I need to be loved

Just like everybody else does

I remember Teresa asking me, about a year ago, or maybe longer, if I'd had sex yet. I said no. She said, but if I had to pick one person, right now, who would it be? I said **. I remember Teresa also introducing me to some of her friends that night, stroking my face as she told them not to hit on me. "She's the Morrissey of our group," she said, "Asexual and mysterious."

There's a club, if you'd like to go

You could meet somebody who really loves you

So you go, and you stand on your own

And you leave on your own

And you go home, and you cry

And you want to die

I've toyed with the idea before, as slapstick funny sort of step-off label, but ultimately didn't think about it much. There are a lot of people I feel a strong bond with platonically, who I could easily (and willingly) hug, play fight with, fall asleep on... just don't come on to me. I loved ****, but I never wanted to have sex with him. And that was my first semi-sexual experience. At 20. Four years later and I've done a little more, but not much. New Years Boy (Volcom) baffled me almost to the point of being traumatized, because I was very aesthetically attracted to him. My heart fluttered when I first saw him. I was giddy when we kissed. But beyond that? Nothing. One time he was coming towards me and he look straight plucked out of an Abercrombie ad. I was like Oh my God, is this real? But I didn't want to jump him or anything. I just wanted to take a picture. I was captivated and a little obsessed but by no means turned on.

When you say it's gonna happen "now"

Well, when exactly do you mean ?

See I've already waited too long

And all my hope is gone

So in between various half written LJ entries, pressing the tips of my fingers to keep from crying, I went to Google and typed in "Asexual." As far as I knew, the only thing asexual were amoebas.I found a NY Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/09/fashion/thursdaystyles/09asexual.html?8hpib=&pagewanted=printThen I found AVEN: http://asexuality.org/home/content/view/20/28/I read everything on the whole site. I had to leave the house, like literally run out, because I was bawling.

I identified with an almost unbearable amount of the content on that site. I'm not going to pretend I'm not half terrified saying this. It was relief, no doubt, to find so much of me... somewhere else. But at the same time, the outburst didn't come from feeling relieved. What was a silly little joke, a way of putting people off... was very very real. Its just... shocking... some of the descriptions, metaphors they used... I've used. All the things I've been accused of, been slapped with... (" you just haven't found the right person") Example, in the FAQ's: I can see that people are attractive but I don't really feel the need to have sex with them, where do I fit? Many asexuals can see that other people are aesthetically attractive to them but see this beauty as no different from looking at a beautiful painting or a stunning sunset. Others might find other people sexually attractive. These asexuals have a low sexual intensity, while they are aware of their attractions they are not motivated to act upon them further than looking. The important distinction between asexual people and sexual people is that asexuals are not motivated to be sexual with the people they find physically attractive (and may not find anyone physically attractive at all). And another: I have crushes on people, I think I sometimes fall in love, does this mean I'm not asexual? A good proportion of asexuals get crushes on others and fall in love. Emotional and romantic attraction are separate from sexual attraction. For some people they go together, but they are not necessarily connected. Many asexuals talk about having a 'romance drive'. They need to be intimate with another special person, it's just that the intimacy they desire isn't sexual. <----- (comfort fantasies, anyone?)------

This was a lot to read. I'm just tired. I had a fight with ** the other night. He was like "Virginity is not that special. It's not your identity. Just get it over with." I was so enraged by that comment I could barely speak. There hasn't been much (if any) effort in all of my 24 years to avoid sex. It's not about controlling my urges. Because there are none. It's that simple.I'm tired of pretending I'm interested, of having various hims strategically place my hands and limbs like a rag doll. I'm tired of trying to make the right faces and opening one eye in between to see if they're buying it. I'm tired of waiting til whatever we're doing is over so we can intertwine and sleep like tangled blankets. I'm tired of laughing along or trying to participate in conversations where I don't get it. I'm tired of knowing the hip-grabbing, eyelid kissing, clavicle tracing are all breadcrumbs to sex. I'm not following, baby, I'm not following. It changes, sometimes, they say. And sometimes it doesnt. I'm not sure I care... except in that I'm afraid of losing people. Ever been given that look? The kind that burns right through you, searches all the lines in your eyes until he finds some micro-expression that he thinks says "Someday, I'm gonna be more." Ever had anyone try to fix you, to change your mind, to be THE ONE?

If you're not honest, you get writers block. Isn't that what Meagen said? I can deal with a lot of things, but writers block isn't one of them. You can believe me, or not. But I want you to know this isn't like, sad for me or anything. This is more like an "ohhhhh." This makes all the times I've wanted to giggle, or roll my eyes, at the "wrong" time... ok. This makes all the time I've been writing a story on the ceiling instead of participating... ok. This means I can renew my pass to be humorous, blunt, a little scathing... without thinking I'm a mean, coldhearted girl.

----

2021 addendum: And then, of course, imagine the world wearing you down just enough that you try it. And you discover that alcohol helps A LOT. So what happens when you stop drinking?

#livejournal #ace #aspec #breesays

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volvolts · 4 years

Text

trying again. im gonna talk about my ocs. its pretty long and kinda incoherent idk

first start with robin

idk how to make the picture smaller so im sorry

- her name is robin wright and she’s 17

BACKSTORY

- her mom is a cyberneticist and her dad is a neurosurgeon. they do research on cyborg’s disease and have a company that makes prosthetics. they’re really rich because if it

- robin also had a twin brother named ronan (she’s the younger twin btw). he died when they were 15 because he had a rare case of cyborg’s disease in the brain. his death was so traumatizing for her that she doesn’t remember the months surrounding his death. she doesn’t even remember the funeral

- after ronan’s death, robin’s parents put her into isolation for two years. they pulled her out of her classes and activities and she barely got human interactions during this time

- eventually she had enough and begged to be allowed out which they do--as long as she has a bodyguard with her at all times. the problem? robin had a hard time getting along with most of them. in fact, ryuji is kind of a last resort. if she doesn’t get on well with him, she’ll most likely be isolated until further notice

random facts

- she’s really smart, a natural genius you could say. she was on her third year in college before she was pulled from it (she’s studying to be a neurosurgeon like her father). she’s one of those organized highlighter/color coded note takers too

- robin is a very compassionate person and is compelled to help others as much as she can.

- stubborn and determined, she’ll pursue nearly everything and won’t back down until she has answers. sometimes she doesn’t know when to stop and accidentally oversteps her boundaries. it’s not because she’s needlessly nosy but because she wants to know the whole story before she can help them

- she has a overactive imagination and would end up thinking up outlandish ideas to fill in the blanks of things she doesn’t know

- robin is one of those people who’s polite and reserved if she doesn’t know you but will talk your ear off when she’s comfortable with you

- she closer with her father, which is why she’s studying the same subject that he works in

- both of her parents are incredibly successful and she’s expected to do something similar so she has a lot on her shoulders

- she hasn’t worked a day in her life but she has unusually strong endurance and stamina

- she has a dog! he’s a golden retriever and his name is beck. he’s an old dog and she loves him very much

next is ryuji

- his name is ryuji lor and he’s 22

- he also goes by “ryder” (technically he’s supposed to go by that throughout most of my half-baked story because he never told anyone is real name but that’s beside the point)

- he’s a quarter japanese and three quarters se asian (not really sure what kind yet but im thinking somewhere within the vietnam/laos area)

BACKSTORY

- a bit of TW: FAMILY ABUSE in this passage so skip if it bothers you: his mom got pregnant with him while she was in college and because her boyfriend bailed on her and stress of the pregnancy and burnout she dropped out and went back to her family. she was seen as “the good one” of the family and was expected to get a good job to get her family out of poverty however when she came back they were incredibly bitter that she “failed” and would verbally and emotionally put her down. They also blamed ryuji because if he wasn’t born then she wouldn’t have dropped out and he was often ostracized because of it.

- fortunately he and his mom left when he turned 5. they lived in a small apartment and had to get lots of help from neighbors and friends to make ends meet (mostly to babysit ryuji while his mom worked). ryuji vowed to get smart and get a good job to give his mother the life she deserves (and partly because he feels a part of her really does hate him and he wants to make it up to her somehow because if he doesn’t, was he just a parasite like what his aunts and uncles said?)

- when he turned 10, his mom got married and how he has two moms. they’re hard on him but it’s from a place of love so he tries his best to be a good son by studying and staying out of trouble

- at 17, ryuji has a bit of hope ahead of him. he has a part time job, good grades, and maybe a scholarship if he could qualify. suddenly he’s diagnosed with cyborg’s disease in his eyes and arm. they can’t afford either of his surgeries, let alone one. and that’s not going into the prosthetics and rehab afterwards. at night when they think he’s asleep, ryuji hears his moms arguing about how they’ll be able to afford any of it and what they’ll have to do to pay for it.

- he can’t take it anymore. he runs away

- he ends up in a city he doesn’t recognize and is just allowing himself to die but he gets saved by irving, a back alley repair doctor. he gets prosthetics thanks to her but is now in a massive debt so he works as her assistant and also finds other jobs on the side to repay it

- his backstory is getting really long so things happen in ryuji’s attempt to make money and he ends up also working with ace, who leads an organized crime group, as a handler whose job is to fight/intimidate/kill whoever.

- a sudden coincidence also ends up working as robin’s bodyguard which starts everything. honestly he’s didn’t want to do this job at first but robin’s parents are willing to pay a good amount of money and it allows him to have time away from his jobs with ace

random facts

- he’s left hand but learned to be ambidextrous, however he’ll usually default to his left hand

- he wore glasses when he was younger (near sighted; it was super bad but he didn’t like it)

- he’s afraid of dogs. it’s not a full on phobia but they make him uneasy because of a childhood thing. (he’s more of a cat person and maybe pets a few stray cats that come across his house every once in a while)

- he doesn’t like people staring at him. he feels self-conscious because of the scar on his face and the shadowed bags under his eyes and people staring at him don’t help

- ryuji is really good with prosthetics repair and can go into in-depth discussions about the mechanics of it all; he actually really enjoys working on it and actually helped design his own arm

- he’s really smart but he had to work really hard to get there and because he never finished his education, he doesn’t really think he is either

- ryuji tries to give off a “i don’t care about anyone” bravado to try and distance himself from everything. but he really cares. like a lot. the few people he has in his life right now, he’s ride or die for them

- ryuji works himself to death to ignore his problems. he’s afraid if he stops moving, he’ll buckle under the pressure and stop forever

- he has a knife hidden in his prosthetic forearm which he will use if he feels threatened. (it’s probably a stiletto knife or something idk yet)

- ryuji is an early riser; waking up at 9 am feels like sleeping in to him. he’s not even that much of a morning person, its mostly out of habit

then there’s castor

- his name is castor oda and he’s 24

- he’s japanese

BACKSTORY

- he lived in a really strict and controlling family who owned a business where he had his entire life planned out for him up to who he was going to marry. he’s always been angry about it because he has older siblings who will take over the company and it’s clear that more of a control and image thing than anything else

- when he went to college, it was his first time actually be away from his family and became friends with a guy named ben.

- ben helped castor when his family kicked him out at 19 and gave him a place to stay until he could get back on his feet

- castor loved ben like a brother and is forever grateful for him

- ben mysteriously disappeared when they were 21 and everyone is pretty sure he’s dead but no one knows why

- castor wants to find closure on what happened because he’s definitely sure there’s something shady going on and he’s going to find out what.

- he’s an information broker, occasionally crossing paths with ace to relay and gather info but for the most part, castor has been working alone

- when he’s not doing that though, he works as a barista at a coffee shop

random facts

- he has cyborg’s disease in his right arm and when he lived with his family, he was deeply self-conscious about it

- he hasn’t spoken to his parents since they kicked him out but he still talks to his siblings sometimes; he’s the youngest child with two older sisters

- he always had an inkling that ben had romantic feelings for him, which was unrequited, and castor always felt a little guilty that he never reciprocated or that they never got to talk about it

- castor always wears his red scarf no matter the occasion or weather; he has more scarves but he just likes the red one the best

- people think he’s like calm and collected but in reality he’s an impulsive, emotional driven idiot just like the rest of us

- however he is the master of the polite business smile because of his strict upbringing

- he’s a rather disorganized person

next is irving

- her name is ellie irving and she’s 35

- she’s half black, half white

BACKSTORY

- i don’t have that much solidified for her backstory yet so it might change fyi

- irving had been doing cybernetic research back in college but someone plagiarized her work and submitted their paper before she came forward

- because the paper was published before she published hers, SHE was initially hit with backlash of plagiarism

- eventually they try to sort it out but in the end, while she proved she didn’t plagiarize the other, she couldn’t prove that she came up with the research first and they just terminated the both her and the plagiarist

- she was barred from going into higher cybernetics research and honestly she’s still a bit bitter about it

- she went into prosthetics repair instead but still struggled to find work because of her alleged reputation, which many still believed she stole another’s work

- eventually she manages to open up a shop that specializes in prosthetic repairs and replacements

random facts

- she’s really harsh and aloof, however she cares in her own way

- honestly irving doesn’t believe herself to be a good person due to how she feels she let herself to bitterly sulk in her anger for so long

- she smokes a bit but she’s trying to cut back lately

- irving won’t pry if you come to her with a broken arm and you need help; she’ll fix you up and leave it at that and allow you to come to her yourself

- she’s incredibly observant and can tell if your lying with just a glance

- she doesn’t know that ryuji works for ace; she’s concerned when he seems more tired than usual but she doesn’t know how to pry

last one cuz im tired

his name is ace (i don’t have a last name for him) and he’s 32

- he owns an organized crime ring; im thinking he’s connected to something bigger and possibly something with the black market

- not much is known about him but he’s a charismatic man and has the intimidation factor

- he flips his demeanor a lot. one minute he’s jovial and kind then the next he’ll give you thinly veil threats. he mostly does it to keep people on their toes so it’s a power thing

- begrudgingly he’s the closest thing to a father figure ryuji is gonna get

- also the jacket ryuji always wears? it’s a gift from ace

and that’s all i got so far! i have a lot more ocs but i don’t have have a lot of backstory for them yet. let me know what you think of these guys and feel free to ask questions!

#talkin #my ocs #my art #robin wright #ryuji lor #castor oda #ellie irving #ace

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jlf23tumble · 4 years

Note

Hi! I've seen you rec fics before and I'm wondering if you have any recommendations for Harry Styles fics that deal with gender. Like Harry being either nonbinary or that being the focus of the plot in some way. Thanks!

I have GOT YOU, my friend! I answered a similar ask a long time ago, so I’ll bring those recs over, plus add newer ones, just to keep us up to date. Same caveat as before, though--these fics delve a bit deeper into the genderfluid side of the fine line rather than just the “harry in panties” side because I think you’re more interested in the former, but if I’m wrong, let me know! Enjoy!

Us, Me, We, @homosociallyyours, 2.3 (Harry/Harry, Harry/Louis). Featuring Harry trippin’ balls and truly seeing “her” in the mirror.

you make me wanna (how deep is your love), orphan_account, 2.5k (harry/louis). As the notes say, “straight up porn,” featuring trans Harry.

Friendly Fire, @vondrostes, 2.6k (Harry/Ny). Look, you’ll see a lot of Terran here, I had to hold *back*, but he writes tons of pairings, so there’s something for everyone, and I rec it all! In this case, Harry learns an important lesson about why he shouldn’t date straight women.

No Control, thegirlwthekittentattoo, 2.6k (Harry/Louis). The dialogue here is EVERYTHING, it’s cute and hot and emotional yet still funny, like Harry’s bra being named Christi with an “i”, and I loveeee how much is packed in here.

Silent Night, @sulkingroom, 2.7k (Harry/Xander). I’m 99% sure this is Melissa, not orphan_account, but she’s another author who writes stunning fics that play with gender, this one featuring trans Harry at Christmas.

She, Myself, and I, @vondrostes, 3k (Harry/Nick). Angst city, with Harry telling Nick exactly who “she” is.

Every Drop of Rain, haemophilus, 3.3k (Harry/Taylor). Told through Taylor’s eyes, a fascinating look at Harry and his gender journey. (I highly rec this author’s work in other pairings for similar vibes!)

if they find out, will it all go wrong? blankiexrry, 3.4k (Harry/Louis). Gender exploration behind the scenes when the D played MSG, plus extra kink added!

The Assassination of Harry Styles’ Dignity, wishforwishes, 3.5k (Harry/Nick). This one was in the pubefest, and it’s gryles angst hours gorgeously done as Harry ponders shaving past and present (highly rec this author for gender exploration in other pairings, too).

She Feels So Good, Zedi, 4k, and its sequel, Turns Out She’s a Devil In-Between the Sheets, 3k (Harry/Louis). Mannnn, this universe is so good! Part one is behind the scenes of the Late Late Show after Kiwi, and part two is sexi times in Italy. I utterly adore how this Harry shifts right along with her pronouns.

Fertile Ground, Blake/ @newleafover, 4.4k (Harry/Louis). Jesus wept specifically at this story, CHRIST, so much dysphoria-related angst!! The sheer number of moments guaranteed to make you stare at the wall for one (1) hour, help!

into joy i’m sailing, @hereforlou, 4.6k (Harry/Louis). The tenderness LEAPS off the screen in this one, Harry forgets he’s wearing a dress when Louis comes over for dinner, and I peel my heart out of my throat every time.

weird honey, orphan_account, 5.4k (Harry/Louis). I’m a big lurker in fic comments, and these ones give me joy because big names from a time when this Harry drew even more hate than today are here, spreading love and support--who was this author? This story is so GOOD, I’d love to know what else they did! (In this case, a sex toy helps Harry deal with not having a vagina.)

violence of my own touch, 14hrflight/ @got2ghost, 5.2k (Harry/Louis). Chi is yet ANOTHER author to read for spot-fuckin’-on genderfluid characterization (here, it’s alpha/alpha with all kinds of bdsm, dysphoria, angst, and more).

it’s you i want to take apart, orphan_account, 5.9k (Harry/Louis). This author--in the year of our lorde 2012--watched the nail polish interview and created a work of art that went even deeper, their MIND!!! What else did they foretell??!!!!!

Love at Home, @vondrostes, 6.9k (Harry/Xander, Harry/Zayn/Xander). This fic is HYPER-current, like, mid-quarantine, and it features some Zarry history, some pregnancy-related dysphoria, and so much more, plus horses!! (The horses aren’t actually all that involved, I just love to see ‘em.)

Vinyl and Lace, objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain, 7.5k (Harry/Louis). This one kills me because it’s XF days, and you get the full-on sensation that this is meant to be kinky play funtime, but it’s going to end up being something much bigger on so many fronts, we love to see it!

Are You Gonna Be My Girl? LoadedGunn, 7.5k (Harry/Louis). EASILY my fave fic this author wrote, basically, Louis talks about his first time with a girl, Harry decides to be that girl, and the dirty talk hits different in the end!

call me anything you like, but my name is, wishforwishes, 9.9k (Harry/members of CHASM). [muffled internal screaming whenever I think of this fic] It starts with BSE Veronica/Zayn and ends with Harry Veronica/Zayn, and so much revelation happens in between, goddddd bless.

fallin’ and laughin’ at the drinks we spilled, enbyharry/ @non-binharry, 14k (Harry/Louis). Asia’s description in the notes kills me, but #vanlife Louis runs into proud Harry in some bar and shenanigans ensue is the upshot!

But She Doesn’t Know Who I Am series, jaerie, 15k (Harry/Louis). I love that one of the tags here is “louis asks inappropriate questions” because that’s honestly most of what happens!!

o/o angst series, HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals, 17k (Harry/Louis). I miss Nina’s writing like a phantom limb, and I doubt they’ll return to this universe, but I swear, I will read (and rec) ANYTHING they produce when the muse visits them again! This one is as its title says, and it doesn’t disappoint, heavy sigh.

Grenadine Sunshine, objectlesson/ @alienfuckeronmain, 18k (Harry/Louis). This fic is a peach of a pearl written as a gift for one of this fandom’s best authors, and it perfectly captures the Mood of that author, with so much softness, makeup, gender, and tender.

Alpha Louis/Alpha Harry series, 14hrflight/ @got2ghost, 22k (Harry/Louis). SO MANY GENDER ISSUES EXPLORED HERE, WOW!! College roommates come to terms with their identity, and, mannnnn, do I love it when a/b/o gets unstraightened, if you will, chef’s kiss all around.

Nothing You Can Do (But You Can Learn How to Be You in Time), Teumessian, 28k (Harry/Louis). Also known as the pinterest fic, this one is just so soft and lovely, an identity story told through hair (among other things).

genderfluid!harry series, istajmaal, 33k (Harry/Louis). This entire series hits just as hard today as it did when it was written in 2013, a time when people were aggressively trying to make fetch frat boy Harry happen (some of ‘em still are, lmao). Anyway, this is another author I highly rec for all their other fic, but this one does an A+ job of describing Harry’s gender exploration mid-D madness.

Amor Victorious, HappyPrincess/ @pattern-pals, 38k (Harry/Louis). Another brilliant work from Nina, you feel like you’re on this journey with them, PLUS it dives deep into gender identity struggles, PLUS it throws a/b/o for a loop, all of which equals a big yes from me!

hush., wankerville, 41k (Harry/Louis). One of my all-time faves, this one tackles so many phobias, all while being set in a small-town America high school AU and managing to be the softest, most gorgeous, most hopeful thing in spite (because?) of that.

Time Passed, coffinofachimera/ @belialsmiracles, 66k (Harry/Louis). LISTEN, I WILL NEVER, EVER SHUT UP ABOUT THIS FIC, I can only hope the author will bless us with a timestamp or something else entirely, it’s so beautifully done, it makes you think of nothing else for days, it RUINS you for other fic (I highly rec the author’s other work, too). You’ll never look at Tokyo Harry the same way again (or listen to “She” or “Fine Line” without getting more than a little misty). GOLD STAR!

Made of Lightning, @vondrostes, 74k (Harry/Louis, Harry/Liam, Harry/Louis/Liam). Just...the tags on this don’t do full justice to the journey of it, to the imagination of this specific timeline! I adore how Terran writes trans Harry!

Second Spring, @vondrostes, 103k (Harry/Louis). Speaking of Terran writing trans Harry, this one covers all the ins and outs of her surgical transition, how she recovers, and how she and the people around her deal with puberty no. 2.

#fic rec #gender #harry styles #whew it's a long one!!

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mrsgreenworld · 4 years

Text

Sen Çal Kapımı Episode 17 aka Expect The Unexpected

I know I have been quite slow with the reviews lately. I guess real life just got busier and messier. But my thoughts are always with the show, with our two crazy lovesick kids. I make sure to watch each new episode live, keep up with new fragmans.

I remember before episode 17 aired, after having seen the fragmans, I was ready for another filler episode. I was also a bit frustrated that instead of moving the storyline forward they decided to randomly throw in the pregnancy scare trope. However, the writers managed to surprise me with the episode that I hadn't expected much from. I also believe we might have got a bit of foreshadowing as well as an important catalyst to finally move the story forward.

But let's discuss all the good and bad in detail.

The things I loved/liked:

☑️ how balanced this episode was: the transition from the lighter and funnier first part to a more loaded second half with some longing between Edser, completely unexpected turn of events at the party and finally - that gut-wrenching final scene; everything was done at the right pace, at least it felt that way to me; they didn't drag on the pregnancy misunderstanding, it was resolved in one day which I was more than happy with (it could've lasted for days 😬);

☑️ Serkan: my baby is back where he belongs - among all the things I loved about the episode 🥰❤️

honestly, Serkan and his response to the whole situation was one of the main highlights for me - it was hilarious, it was adorable, it was sweet, it was loving;

I have already mentioned before that I absolutely love how attuned to Eda Serkan is; this episode wasn't an exception; do you remember the moment he realised something was up? it literally took a comment from Leyla to Eda about tea and our boy's eyebrows immediately furrowed in confusion and suspicion; and when he came up to Eda to tell her they would work together and asked if that was okay - of course he noticed how Eda's face changed before she left for the bathroom; and a concerned hubby that he is he asked Leyla what was wrong and then instructed her to keep tabs on Eda - swoon 🥰😍

that phone call to the family doctor and his face when he heard the doctor mention pregnancy - 🤣🤣🤣🤣

and then his comment about Ebola completely cracked me up - he's such a hypochondriac 👀😬🙈😂

his bathroom meltdown - comedy GOLD! Kerem was spectacular in that scene, his facial expressions as well as that "NE???!!!" - worthy of a standing ovation 👏👏👏 and it proves what a great actor he is in both funny comedy moments and loaded dramatic scenes; it gets me rolling on the floor when he juggles all sorts of facial expressions and I drown in my own tears when he cries;

then there were tiny adorable moments that, I think, really spoke volumes yet again what sort of person Serkan is - kind and caring, someone who loves deeply; when he told Eda not to sit down so fast, when he asked if she was hungry, tried to make her sit down, was worried that she was cold, took unhealthy snacks from her and got her fruit and nuts instead, was making sure she was comfortable, kept glancing at her stomach - all that was a sneak peek at what Serkan Bolat will be as a father; he will be such a mother hen and when Eda is actually pregnant I swear he will be the one more hormonal 🤣😂😆

I loved that he shared his suspicions with Engin;

his reaction when the misunderstanding got cleared up - I was rolling on the floor 🤣🤣

and while he was relieved it didn't look bad on him; it wasn't a type of relief when a person doesn't really want kids or doesn't want them with this particular person and thinks "oh, that was close!"; I am sure when it comes to Eda Serkan wants to make their own football team of Mini-Bolats; he wants this woman to have his children - I believe it without a shadow of doubt; however, I am also sure that, given the current situation Serkan and Eda are in, Serkan wouldn't want to tie Eda to himself like that;

the party - when he saw Eda in the dress he had bought for her 🔥🔥🔥🔥; I am sure he was useless in the conversations he was trying to make because his focus was entirely on Eda, he was following her every move with hungry eyes; damn, Sir! at least try to be a little more discreet 😏🥵

I loved how he asked Eda point blank if she had chosen the dress on purpose - he wasn't even trying to hide how affected he was;

and finally - of course there was that final scene with Serkan when he completely LOST IT; honestly, watching him break down like that - gave me chills;

we had never seen him like that; it's a well-known and established fact what kind of a person Serkan Bolat is - he's a control freak who can and is good at keeping his emotions in check, he doesn't express his feelings easily or even at all that's why he comes off as a cold and emotionless robot; so can you imagine how bad the situation has to be for him to lose it like that and not in the privacy of his home, where he's alone, but in the office, with all his employees and friends as witnesses?

the situation is really Serkan's worst nightmare due to the number of reasons:

1 - Serkan is a control freak (as I have already mentioned many times) and being in a situation where he cannot control something is hard for him psychologically;

2 - Serkan is a perfectionist and perfectionism often stems from the fear of making mistakes because a person was raised this way, wasn't allowed to make any mistakes as a child; we have even heard it from Serkan himself in one of the conversations with his father - he grew up thinking he had no right for mistakes, thinking that he must have done something wrong for his parents to just send him away;

3 - the cruel irony of this situation being so similar to what had happened to Eda's parents;

of course no one died but it could have happened; then Serkan would have turned into his father (in his own mind and eyes); it's just like Eda's parents all over again; can you imagine what kind of thoughts were going through his head? how he's cursed or something, that he really doesn't deserve Eda, that his family taints everything it touches... 😭💔

Kerem's acting in the last scene was truly one of his best and strongest Serkan moments👏👏👏👏;

☑️ Eda: one of my absolute favourite things about our girl is that she keeps her word; there are not many people who do this in life (while I myself try to keep my promises I, unfortunately, often fail);

I was so proud that, no matter what's going on between herself and Serkan, Eda didn't refuse to help Aydan and promised that they would work on her phobia together;

I also loved Eda's idea with the virtual tour around London - very creative and thoughtful way to help Aydan get out of the house without actually leaving the house because baby steps, this cannot be rushed, this type of problems don't go away at the snap of our fingers;

while I find it a bit strange that Eda volunteered to babysit a random couple's child (me and Serkan both, he also said that he doesn't understand Eda 🙈😆) it's another great manifestation to the type of a person she is - kind, loving, generous, ready to help even complete strangers; moreover, the whole situation with the baby allowed us to sneak a peek at Eda as a mother;

and speaking of that scene where Serkan said he didn't understand Eda and wanted to know why she would agree to help people she didn't know - I freaking LOVED how unapologetic she was when she said it's who she is; so he either accepts her for who she is (the way she accepted him) or he can be on his merry way; that's such a joy to watch - a woman who's not sorry for who she is, who loves and respects herself and demands the same respect in return 👏👏👏💞💞💞;

finally, there was the final scene but before that there was also a small moment after the roof had collapsed, when they were still at that house - everybody had left and Eda asked Serkan if there was something she could do, if he wanted to be left alone; she gave him what he wanted and needed in that moment;

but the next day, in the office, after having witnessed his breakdown Eda shows her unwavering belief in Serkan; I loved how she was able to put aside her hurt, maybe to an extent even her pride, and come to him; how she didn't back down and in that moment refused to leave him alone because she knew that wasn't what he needed, he needed her; and she was there, she was there when it mattered;

☑️ Edser: these two idiots are broken up but I swear they couldn't look or act more married; that's basically what we got in this episode - a flashforward of sorts where Edser are married with a kid and expecting another one;

however, this episode also provided us with some longing and lots of UST at that party;

and again there were subtle nods to them being soulmates, which manifested itself in how attuned to each other they were (Serkan with the pregnancy, Eda at the end of the episode) and also the parallel scene at the very beginning with both of them boxing - the same choice of activity to take their minds off of each other (it was also hot as hell 🔥🔥🔥🥵);

☑️ Aydan: OMG CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?

yes, Aydan made it into this category!😱😲

but the writers had really been doing a good job with her and actually showed character growth;

at the beginning of the episode when Eda confronted Aydan about what she had overheard Aydan tried to make something up and said how it was her who had convinced Serkan that they were wrong for each other; what I really enjoyed in that moment was how uncomfortable Aydan looked while saying all those things; it was basically written on her face that what she was saying wasn't true, that wasn't how she felt, she understood that it would hurt Eda to hear that and she didn't want that; it's such a stark contrast to Aydan from episode 11; does anyone remember episode 11? well, I do, perfectly well; I was ENRAGED; Aydan back then said how Eda was not the right match for her son, she was cruel and she didn't even give a flying flip that her words were hurtful for Eda;

it was also nice to see how humbled Aydan was while receiving Eda's help;

☑️ Engin: basically the fact that he continues being the best best friend ever and his reaction to Eda's possible pregnancy - PRICELESS!🤣🤣🤣

I think Engin is the second (after Eda) and the last person who can get away with pulling Serkan Bolat by his cheeks 🙈😆😂

I also really enjoyed Engin's dig at Serkan's character and how he hoped his nephew/niece wouldn't take after Serkan 🤣🤣🤣;

The things I didn't like / was annoyed with:

❎ Efe: oh, he's one bad motherfucker!😠😡🤬😤

from pretty much openly threatening to teach Serkan a lesson to actually fucking up those blueprints and setting Serkan up - THE *UCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

it was clear from the phone call with his secret partner that he hadn't planned for it to go like that but still his intentions had clearly been far from good and he deserves whatever is coming his way; like Serkan Bolat coming for his head and ending his career 🙄😎;

❎ Pırıl and Engin: the whole jealousy thing was so far-fetched and tiring to watch; to me Pırıl seemed a bit too territorial, it's quite obvious that Engin had only eyes for her; Engin was too oblivious and honestly I feel bad for him because the writers turn him into a bigger idiot (when it comes to women) with each new episode;

❎ Selin: the same thing over and over again, in each new episode she's unbearable; she just walks around with bitch face, complains about everything and everyone but ultimately serves zero purpose;

this character is so focused on herself that she didn't even seem bothered by her conversation with Efe where he basically threatened Serkan; there was a poor attempt with that "should I be worried?" but it was enough for Efe to just smile at her and she let it slide 🤦🤷;

in that scene at the office with Ceren and Ferit the behaviour she demonstrated was the one of a pre-schooler or maybe immature teenager but definitely not of a grown-up woman;

❎ Ceren and Ferit: while they started out really well, I enjoyed their first meeting, then it got weird and their interactions became awfully uneven; Ceren is really overdoing this hot and cold thing;

while I liked how Ceren stood up for herself after Selin's outburst, I think all of that should have been said to Selin's face, not Ferit's.

And that's pretty much it! Finally!🥳🥳🥳

P.S. Wanted to post my episode 18 review today as well, before episode 19 airs, but it's still not ready, need to cut down some stuff cause it's turning into a freaking monster 🤦😱

#sen çal kapımı #sen cal kapimi #sck #sen çal kapımı episode 17 thoughts #sck episode 17 #edser #eda ve serkan #eda x serkan #eda yıldız #eda yildiz #serkan bolat

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xxx-cat-xxx · 4 years

Text

we’re collecting dust (but our love’s enough)

Have a little bittersweet Pepperony & Ironfam fic. As always, thanks to @whumphoarder for beta reading!

_________________

And here’s the thing about getting old: it’s marked by an ever-rising contrast between the good days and the bad days. On good days, Tony can still spend hours tinkering in the garage or playing ball with Peter’s eight-year-old son, Ben, down by the lake.

But on bad days, when phantom pain is hijacking all of his senses (despite the fact that two decades have passed now since that final battle), putting on the prosthesis is out of the question—as is getting down the stairs from the master bedroom.

And on the really bad days, his joints are so stiff that he’s barely able to lift his one remaining arm high enough to bring his migraine medication up to his lips.

“Pep?” Tony croaks, hating the weakness that’s echoing back at him. He’s not sure if she’s even close enough to hear him, but he trusts FRIDAY to relay the message that his wife is needed.

It takes her longer than it used to, but then Pepper is by his side, putting an arm behind his back in a practiced motion to help him sit up a little more. He bites back a groan when the change in elevation only increases the stabbing pain behind his right eye.

“Open your mouth,” she directs, firmly but warmly, before placing the pills on his tongue and bringing the water glass to his lips so he can take a sip. He loves her for the lack of pity in her eyes, for her focus on the practicalities of caring, for the calmness masking her worry― although none of that is surprising. Hell, they’ve been through far worse than the thunderstorms in his head.

Pepper adds a heating pad to the collection of pillows propping him up and pats it with an inviting gesture. Wincing, he lies back down, then curls onto his side, pulling his legs up to his stomach.

“Here, just in case.” Pepper puts a trash can next to the bed, freshly lined in order to avoid the smell making his nausea any worse. Tony really hopes he won’t throw up the pills he just took, but the possibility is definitely there.

“You’re the best, Miss Potts” he mumbles, and only then realises that this particular nickname is already a few decades too old.

“Get some sleep, Tony.” She brushes a kiss on his forehead and gently shuts his eyes with her palm. He opens them again the moment she’s left the room, unable to find rest just yet.

With difficulty, Tony turns onto his other side so that the photos on the nightstand come into view. Morgan and her girlfriend Riri with their surfboards at Malibu beach, the sunset bathing them in a warm, almost otherworldly light. Peter and Ben, who is sitting on Rhodey’s lap in the wheelchair and laughing at someone behind the camera. Happy and May, arm in arm and a little drunk on the evening of their tenth anniversary.

Tony keeps looking at the photos until the drugs kick in and they turn blurry in front of his eyes while he finally drifts off.

It’s early evening when he wakes again, his head still throbbing and his body tired, but feeling miles better than earlier. The house is quiet and Pepper is nowhere to be seen. Tony lies still for a moment, marvelling at the simple fact that he is able to form comprehensive thoughts without feeling like his brain is being eaten alive.

After a while, he’s able to sit up on his own and slowly make his way to the bathroom. He uses the toilet and brushes his teeth to get rid of the stale taste in his mouth. Then he has to hold on to the basin for a while because he starts to feel lightheaded from being on his feet for a phenomenal five full minutes. Finally it passes, and he washes his face with cold water to get his blood pressure back to a more reasonable level.

When he looks up, there’s an old man staring back at him from the mirror, rumpled grey hair and an even greyer beard. He bears a vague resemblance to Howard Stark―Howard Stark if someone had tried to melt away half of his face.

The snap has left a long-term toll, and not just in the gruesome scars all over his body. Tony had a stroke last summer, after which he’d temporarily lost the movement in his one remaining arm and was drooling for weeks, and he’s already on his second pacemaker this year. Not that he’s complaining―better to be old than dead, thank you very much―but some things really just suck. He stares at the mirror image a moment longer and then sticks out his tongue at it, content to see that this makes him stop looking like Howard.

“Tony?” He flinches when he hears Pepper’s voice from downstairs, though she doesn’t sound like Pepper at all. Her tone is scared, almost desperate. “Where are you?”

“Hon-” he stops to clear his scratchy throat and tries again. “Honey, I’m up here!”

Her footsteps run up the staircase and he turns around to see her enter, dressed in her favourite light blue summer dress, the long hair cascading down over her shoulders.

“Tony?” she asks again, breathing hard. Then she takes him in and relief blooms on her face. He registers the tears on her cheek and automatically raises his good hand to wipe them away.

“What happened?” he asks softly. But he already knows.

Closing her eyes, she leans into his touch. “I was in the garden,” she starts. “I was, I think I was watering the sunflowers, and then, for a second, I―I didn’t know. Where I was. Where everyone was.”

“Oh Pep,” he sighs, wrapping his arm around her and pulling her close. It’s not the first time this has happened, but all the other times she’s been inside the house where FRIDAY could help her make sense of the situation and get back to reality quickly. “How long were you out there?”

“I don’t know,” Pepper mumbles. “I thought―I thought it was a park, maybe? That I was back at my parents’ place and went out for a walk. But then I saw Morgan’s little house and remembered.” She takes a shaky breath. “God, Tony, it’s all such a mess.”

“You’re alright,” he whispers, and then, knowing it’s not herself she is scared about, he adds, “I’m here. Morgan and Riri are flying around the world somewhere. Peter is in Queens—it’s his weekend with Ben. They might be visiting Happy and May just now. Rhodey is… I don’t actually know where Rhodey is right now, but he’s fine. Everyone’s doing okay.”

“I know,” she mumbles, pulling away. “Now I remember.”

“Good. That’s good, Pep. It was just―a glitch. A tiny glitch in your memory.” He forces a smile and shifts a bit of his weight against the doorframe, his legs suddenly feeling weak.

Pepper, of course, catches on to that. “How's your headache?” She seems to have caught herself, but he wonders whether she remembers his migraine or just guessed it from the situation. “Why are you up?”

“Had to pee. But I’m better, promise.” She looks at him critically, and he adds, “Just won't be up for anything demanding for the rest of the day.”

“That’s fine.” She runs her hands through her hair, combing it with her fingers before tying it up in a bun, her way of reasserting control. “You should go back to bed. I’ll fix us something light to eat.”

Tony doesn’t like the idea of leaving her alone right now, but making it down the stairs to the kitchen seems... challenging. But he’s already got a better idea. “Actually, I was thinking of taking a bath. Getting a little ripe,” he jokes. “Will you help me wash my hair?”

It's always good to give her something easy to do when the dementia is playing tricks on her, something to busy her hands and distract her mind.

“Uh-huh.” She looks right through him, then sighs a little. “Sure. Why not.”

There used to be a time after Afghanistan when Tony couldn’t have set foot in a bathtub if an army had forced him to. He avoided them the same way he avoided caves and, later, endless night skies or Sci-Fi movies with wormholes. It was only Peter’s immense disappointment over not being able to watch the fourth Star Trek movie together that finally pushed him into seeing the counsellor who helped him get a grip on some of this.

(Almost starving in space, Peter’s five-year disappearance and Pepper’s pregnancy might have also played a role, but hey, saying you started therapy to be able to watch Leonard Nimoy in a bathrobe saving whales makes for better dinner table jokes).

Either way, he’s glad that his bath-o-phobia is mostly cured now, because their lakehouse tub is plain amazing, and not having to stand to shower on days like these is a blessing.

The hot water and the essential oils Pepper added to it do wonders for Tony’s aching body. He breathes in the steam that reminds him of expensive spas on New York’s winter days. Pepper has turned her back towards him, organising the already neat collection of tubes and bottles on the counter. Unimpressed with the solemnity of the scene, he playfully splashes some water at her. She turns towards him and smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. Tony could tell from a mile away that she’s still shaken.

Time for plan B.

“Will you join me, honey?” Drawing out the last word, he blinks his eyelashes up at her seductively, which finally makes her laugh for real.

“Well, Mr Stark, if you’re asking like that…” The dress slides down her shoulders and collects around her feet, and her undergarments quickly follow. She glides inside the tub more gracefully than should be legal for anyone over sixty, and, copying him, flicks some water onto his nose.

Ignoring the perfect opportunity for a water fight, Tony extends his arm and pulls her close to his chest, taking in her wrinkled skin and the roots of grey in her ginger hair where the dye has grown out. She intertwines her legs with his and lets her weight, minimised by the water, be borne fully by his body. Her cheek comes to rest on the soft spot between his collarbones. She is moving up and down in rhythm with his breaths, creating tiny ripples on the surface of the water, and he holds her tighter, ever tighter.

Pepper readjusts her position and runs her hand down from his neck, to his stomach, and back up again. He responds with a kiss to the top of her forehead and then starts tracing the outline of her breast with his index finger. She stops to look down at them critically. “Not really what they used to be.”

“Still better than what I have to offer,” he deadpans. At this point, his chest is basically one big scar tissue. “And personally, I’m still a fan of them. It. All of it.”

He can hear her smile in the way she lets her breath out through her nose.

They stay like that for a while, Tony feeling the tension bleed out of his body, the pounding of his temples ease a little, and his eyes slowly falling shut again.

“I was so scared,” Pepper suddenly admits into his collarbones. He feels drops of water trickle down his neck and knows she’s crying even before she sniffles quietly.

“I know,” he says quietly. “But it will be alright, love.”

“Will it, though?” she asks, ever-critically, ever-questioning. Too many of his promises have shattered before her eyes for her to blindly believe him now, so he doesn’t make her any new ones, doesn’t talk about the world-renowned team of scientists he already hired when the first symptoms showed themselves, about the devices he’s working on down in his garage. She already knows all of that. It’s not what she needs to hear right now.

Instead, he swallows hard and says, “Pep, listen. We’ll get through this too. And if… whatever will happen. I'll be there.” What he doesn’t say out loud is what she already knows from how tight he’s holding on to her:

I won’t give you up without a fight.

“I know,” she whispers. Then she takes a deep breath before untangling herself from his embrace. “So, are we going for the anti-dandruff shampoo or can I use something that won’t make you smell like coconut?”

Tony positively purrs while Pepper massages the shampoo into his scalp. “Close your eyes and mouth,” she commands when she tilts his head back before starting the shower. And a laugh bursts out of Tony, because this is the same tone she used to use on Morgan when washing her hair, and in response their daughter would screw her eyes shut and bite her lips so tight in such concentration that her whole face scrunched up with it.

“What’s so funny?” Pepper asks, so Tony, not one to admit to nostalgia, just twists the showerhead out of her grasp to point it back at her, finally getting himself that water fight.

After drying off and pulling on a fresh pair of pajamas, Tony is put back to bed with his tablet and a promise that Pepper will join after making pasta. He checks his email, then sets the tablet aside and gets back up to open the window. He lets his eyes wander to the garden and lake that are just visible in the last rays of daylight.

Sometimes, on bad days, he cynically wonders what will give out first: his broken body or Pepper’s battered mind. But on good days, that's not what counts. They might have months, or years; if things go great, they might even have another decade. Tony has long, long ago started to regard every additional day in his life as something he doesn’t have a right to, and sworn to himself to use them to the best of his ability. That’s what it comes down to, in the end. He and Pepper will do what they have always done―simply keep going as long as they can.

“Hey, old man.” Pepper is standing in the doorway, holding out a bowl of blueberries. “I picked them earlier in the garden―forgot all about them. You want some?”

“Sure.” He turns around to fully look at her. “I'd love to.”

_________________

I hope you liked it! Credit for the idea of Riri Williams and Morgan Stark getting together goes to @fuzzydeergirlart‘s wonderful art (or at least that’s where I go the idea from).

All my fics

#pepperony #old tony stark #old pepper potts #migraine #dementia #ironfam #dad peter parker #blueberries

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hawkland · 4 years

Text

Dear Smut4Smut creator

Letter for the 2021 Smut 4 Smut exchange

My AO3 profile: sidewinder

Thank you for writing or creating art for me! I know I’ll be thrilled with whatever you come up with for any of my requests. (And if I babble on or have more prompts for one ship than another, don’t take that as any kind of preference. Some I just am more specific in the kinds of smutty scenarios I’m requesting/wanting at this time, but I love them all the same.)

Please consider the requested tags all the “prompt” you need if so inspired, if none of my suggested scenarios and ideas inspire you. Also, of course, feel free to combine them or use only one as you see fit!

General Likes

Non-penetrative sex (especially in first-time scenarios). I love extended kissing scenes, frottage, mutual hand jobs, characters so turned on and overwhelmed that they come from barely being touched/before they can get all their clothes off, etc.

Romantic smut more than really kinky smut (though a bit of light bondage/restraint can be fun!)

That said, I have a definite weakness for wing!kink and tentacles... where appropriate :)

Generally stoic/repressed/strong characters breaking down and needing comfort/hugs/acceptance of their vulnerabilities

Inverted relationship power dynamics - in the sense of a seemingly older and/or more powerful character actually being less experienced in sex/romantic relationships, or having more doubts & insecurities, and needing the younger/less powerful character to take the lead or reassure them.

In art - I really love all styles of fan art and just seeing how different artists interpret my favorite characters. Seriously, and that’s not just a cop-out because I’m crappy at coming up with art-specific prompts.

General Do No Wants

A/B/O dynamics, mating heats

animal abuse/death

anything related to pregnancy/childbirth

formalized BDSM relationships

non-canon gender identities and/or sexual orientations except gay/bi/pan for requested ships/characters

scat/watersports

unrequested alternative-universe scenarios such as high school/genderswap/coffee shop/etc (however, canon-divergent AUs completely fine!)

Supernatural-Castiel/Dean Winchester

Fandom-specific Do Not Wants: Bad ending/unhappy-ever-after, Sam-bashing, any suggestions of Wincest

I confess I am a very new Destiel-shipper/SPN fan, having only gotten into the show late last year (post-finale.) So while I know there are mountains of stories already written about this ship, sometimes it’s nigh impossible to dig through it all to find stories that scratch the specific fic cravings I have. Hence all the prompts/ideas for them here, some of which I’m sure have been done to death already...but please humor me :)

Long Prolonged Make-Outs

Kissing All Over

Frottage

First Time Sex is Non-Penetrative

First Time with Partner of the Same Gender

Experience - Experienced/Inexperienced

Experience - Experienced Partner Lets Inexperienced One Explore Them

Playful Sex

Morning After (Incredible Sex the night before)

I love everything about newly-human!Cas in season 9 (and Cas’s hedonistic tendencies in general). I have to imagine that, as a human, he just feels things with an intensity that angels just don’t feel, as if with human lifetimes so condensed, their senses are intensified to make up for it in a way that would be overwhelming for a hugely powerful/nearly immortal creature like an angel.

So give me any story about Cas’ exploring and fully embracing the sensual pleasures of sex (with Dean). I love Season 9 canon-divergence fics where Dean lets him stay in the bunker. Perhaps after his first taste of sex with April, Cas wants to add to his experiences by having sex with a male-bodied human/someone he deeply cares about (ie, DEAN). Dean may still be struggling with his own internalized homo/bi-phobia but it’s hard for him to resist Cas with his insatiable curiosity about how the human body works, having no filters/no taboos and just wanting to taste/touch/experience until he/they both are completely overwhelmed.

Wings as Erogenous Zones

Wing Kink

I love wings and true-form Cas as well. In fact I’m totally okay with canon-compliant, post-finale fic in Heaven if it means Dean can finally see/experience Cas’s true form (or at least glimpses/parts of it) without dying (because, you know, already dead and all that.) Otherwise, I’m always up for AUs where Dean can sense/feel/see Cas’s wings (if Cas wants him to) and they are an incredible erogenous zone for the angel. Maybe even his most powerful one.

Touching All Over

Touch-starved character overwhelmed from seemingly innocent touches

Touch-starved

Awkward First Times

Trauma Recovery

thank god you're/we're alive sex

Tender Sex with Lots of Eye Contact & Barely Repressed Feelings

Tender Sex

Shame in Sexual Desires

Room-Wrecking Sex

Reunion Sex

Characters mutually pining finally get together and have amazing sex

Desperate Sex

Sex gets paused to deal with PTSD then maybe returned to

I’ll take all the Cas-is-back, ignore-the-finale fics that are possible. Give me touch-starved Cas after his rescue from The Empty. (Dean can be fully into immediately satisfying his needs or, for angst, still struggling with/unsure of his feelings/sexuality.) It’s tender and healing, or maybe it’s explosive with all those years of pent-up desire and needs. You tell me, I love it all!

Sex While Washing Off The Blood of Their Enemies

Sex While Covered In The Blood of Their Enemies

sex under the stars

Outdoor Sex

Car Sex - on the hood of a car

Car Sex - in the back seat

Hotel Sex

tender making out in a car

sex after a long car ride

For these tags, I’m thinking canon-divergent future-fic where Dean is getting older (maybe Cas is too, if he’s lost his grace), yet they still go out on hunts together on occasion to relive the “glory days”. (Sam’s happily settled down and out of the hunting life with Eileen). They enjoy post-hunt sex in the outdoors or in/on the car, or seedy motel, reveling in the adrenaline of the kill, reaffirming their need and love for each other. Yum.

Supernatural - Endverse Castiel/Dean Winchester/Endverse Dean Winchester

Desperate Sex

Threesome - M/M/M

Threesome - Character/Crush/Another Version of Crush

Turned On By Violence

One last fuck before you die

Drugs - Drug Use

Time Travel - Sleeping with older/younger version of someone you know in your own timeline

Time Travel - Sleeping with older/younger self

Pairing-Specific DNWs: None here. Go as dark as you want, since it’s Endverse.

Um, yeah. Pretty much what the tags suggest. Dean knows its freaky as hell but maybe he catches his future self and Cas having sex and they invite him in. Maybe he sees it as a chance to be with Cas (even this very different Cas) like he can’t in his own time. Castiel is totally messed up over seeing the man he had fallen in love with (and fallen from grace for) as he had been, back then, and can’t contain himself now that he’s gone so deep into carnal/hedonistic pleasures.

The Orville - Gordon Malloy/Ed Mercer

thank god you're/we're alive sex

"We Lived" Kiss Reveals Feelings

Stranded - On Another Planet/World With No Way Home

Huddling For Warmth Leads To Sex

on the run together

Desperate Sex

One last fuck before you die

Fandom-specific Do Not Want: No Kelly-bashing.

I’d love something set in the alternative universe/timeline of “The Road Not Taken”, where the Kaylons have won, leaving Gordon and Ed on the run together. Just, any kind of desperate situation where they know they could die at any moment, so they might as well seek whatever comfort, love and tenderness they can find being with each other.

Laughter During Sex

Awkward First Times

Friends to Lovers

First Time Sex is Non-Penetrative

Frottage

Something Made Them Do It

Drugs - Experimental Substance Has Weird Sexual Side Effects

Casual Sex while Secretly Pining

Laughter During Sex

Something fun and silly (and sexy), please, using any of these tags! The show just screams out for tropey “something made them do it” scenarios, be it due to aliens, alien food or drink, whatever. Otherwise I’d love a story where they realize they do have more serious feelings for each other than their (up til then) casual relationship has allowed.

The Good Place - Michael/Eleanor Shellstrop

Tentacles - Tentacle Sex

Tentacles

Xeno - Nonhuman Partner is Ashamed of Their Body

Experience - Experienced/Inexperienced

Awkward First Times

Laughter During Sex

romantic sex

Tentacles - Gentle and Tender Tentacle Sex with Lots of Caresses and Cuddles

Fandom-specific Do Not Wants: No Chidi-bashing (but also, no Chidi/Eleanor endgame references/suggestions).

The ship/canon where I will eternally want tentacle smut! Michael seems so ashamed of his fire-squid demon form. I want him to find out that Eleanor actually finds it kind of a turn-on and would love to find a way she could...experience it. Since we know Michael can create simulations/realities (like he does in “The Trolley Problem”), maybe he can create one where Eleanor can see/experience a version of himself that won’t, you know, destroy the entire neighborhood or burn her to a crisp?

Otherwise I’m good with any kind of first-time scenario in one of Michael’s “reboots” (or later on when they’ve figured things out and are in Michael’s Neighborhood Improvement Experiment). Awkward Michael figuring out his human body’s reactions to Eleanor, them having fun and romantic sex, would definitely make my heart happy.

#dear creator #smut 4 smut exchange #exchange letter

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