#i realised my mum is emotionally neglectful

[gaykneecaps]

tw vent

[doodlegirl1998]

I hope you don't mind me asking but what are your views on inko because as much as hori tries to paint her as this overprotective mother I just never seem to get that vibe. I always get the vibe that sometimes she does more harm them good to izuku . So I would like to know how you think of her character and how you would changed her character to seem more supportive i guess?

Hi @bibibbon 👋,

Midoriya Inko is someone who I feel like loves her son but she is not someone I view as a good parent.

She reads to me as emotionally neglectful of Izuku - a key example of this is letting Izuku stay in Aldera while Bakugou was exploding him and destroying his things his whole childhood. To people who try to defend her and say 'Izuku hid his bullying from her', how well do you think a four year old can hide being exploded or having their things destroyed?

Inko also reads as someone who is overly emotionally dependant on Izuku - *insert the scenes we have of her crying and Izuku comforting her here.* Most of these scenes are because of her worrying because of bad things that have happened TO IZUKU such as news of his quirklessness or when he wakes up from a coma after the War Arc. Parents are meant to provide emotional support and be a pillar of strength to their children - with Izuku he seems to be that for his mum because his Dad is MIA. This is an unhealthy dynamic because he should not be his mum's emotional support.

How would I rewrite Inko?

I would have her be a proactive presence in her son's life like parents should be.

I would have it so as soon as Inko realises her son is being bullied by Bakugou she is shown notifying the teachers / bringing this to Aldera's attention.

I would have it so when Aldera does nothing or if they refuse to do anything she reports them and transfers Izuku into a better school (such as Iida or Todoroki's schools - because Izuku deserves either of them as a childhood friend more than a decade of being abused by Bkg.)

I would show Inko confronting Bakugou's parents about Bakugou's bullying and behavior to bring it to their attention. (None of this "Auntie Inko" nonsense from Bakugou like I see some fics use even if Mitsuki is her friend, and that's not confirmed by canon, I can't see any good mum liking her son's abuser.)

I would keep her emotional nature but have her actively try to hide her upset from Izuku on certain things. I.e the Quirklessness diagnosis, I would have her try to reassure Izuku that she loves him and believes in him quirk or no quirk yet him catch her crying at night when she thinks he's asleep. (This keeps the angst but makes Inko look like a better and more supportive mum.)

I would have her have more of a suspicion of Yagi around Izuku and have her bond with Yagi more. - We know Yagi is All Might. We, as readers, know this is an innocent and wholesome mentorship but to Inko this strange man has just popped out of nowhere and is spending all this time with Izuku. That, if Inko knew of it, should raise Alarm bells to a parent. Plus it would be good for Inko to see over time how good Yagi is for Izuku and have Yagi and Inko bond outside of Izuku.

Have Inko learn of OFA - I am forever salty that BAKUGOU learnt of OFA before anyone else, let alone Izuku's mum. And this version especially has a right to know.

Have Inko have more of a problem with UA - UA doesn't seem to keep the parents well informed plus AM and Aizawa's 'teaching' leaves a lot to be desired. Having Inko have more of a problem with it cements her as looking out for her son's best interests and being a proactive rather than a passive presence in his life.

These are seven improvements I can think of at the top of my head. Inko is a character that could use some rewriting to be a good parent but ultimately loves her son.

[jules-van-hering]

the last three months have been wild. I'm proud of myself and I also know I'm not through it, but damn, what a ride.

it started with a trigger here, a trigger there, then my shitty ex contacted me mid-november, I spiraled from there and now we're in february and my ptsd has officially been upgraded to complex.

realising that my mum emotionally neglected me as a child and that this primed me just perfectly to land in an abusive relationship is mwah 😙👌 hurts real nice. very fucky. do not recommend. please just treat your kids with love and not like they're a burden. thank you.

[envihellbender]

Another thing being the favourite kid isn’t a good thing like at all here’s some highlights from favouritism childhood (abuse tw and cp sexual abuse mention):

- My sister being my absent father’s favourite meant she got the worst of the emotional abuse, the manipulation, the possessive controlling nature, the lying, all came to her. Basically she got the bad shit me and my brother got but turned up to a thousand and when he neglected her it hurt more. My mum full on has said that my sister being the favourite was something that she thought she’d have to deal with me and my brother about, not her. So she feels like she let her down, which she did in many ways but different thing.

- My brother, cis autistic guy meaning my mum focused entirely on him and since he was semi verbal I was expected to explain how he was feeling and what he wanted a lot. I was treated like his other parent and to this day mum coddles him massively. He’s 35 and lives in a foreign country. He can live by himself. And when he comes back home, he reverts back into being an expected to be patented 15 year old, which sucks because it’s expected he will stay with me.

- So yeah, where does this leave me? Not that my mum has favourites but since I was hyperactive loud adhd kid she assumed I didn’t need any extra attention and she could ignore me since I’d apparently say if there was a problem… oh yeah, my stepdads favourite. My physically emotionally sexually abusive stepdads favourite. That shit meant he came into my room at night and cp shit. That shit fucked me up massively.

Being the golden child results in division and resentment between siblings, it hurts more than it helps and that includes the golden child. Even if they don’t realise it yet.

[vxnted]

growing up in a traumatic environment, i didn’t know who to direct my pain towards so i just hated everyone in my family. but now, living with my mum, ive realised that she’s the one who did her best to keep us together. i resented her for being emotionally neglectful and adultifying me as a teen but she was being abused by my dad and working 2-3 jobs to keep a roof over our head because my dad refused to work and stole her money. he sabotaged her career and left, leaving her having to work multiple lower paying jobs. she also lost her mum at 5 and had an abusive father. i didn’t see that - all i saw was how traumatising the entire experience was for me. now that my mum is in a more stable position and has healed more from the abuse, ive watched her grow a lot to understand my mental health struggles and become more patient. she has always loved and cared for us in the way she knew best, but now she’s understanding how to do this in a way i understand too.

i started thinking about this because i’ve realised how much she’s worked to accommodate mine and my brothers’ adhd symptoms without knowing what it is. like, she knows i find laundry hard but laughs it off and dumps the laundry on my bed to encourage me to finish it off. she’s open to borrowing me money because she knows how impulsive i can be. she keeps my brother’s passport and spare keys for his flat and makes sure he returns it because she knows he will lose it or lock himself out. she keeps my brothers letters in clear sight and reminds them to check so they read their letters when they come visit us. she has a neighbour check to see if my brothers accidentally left the door open when they leave. she also checks in a lot if she notices i’m staying in my room a lot more and makes sure i’m taking my meds.

its a long rant but its sad it’s taken me this long to truly appreciate how much my mum loves us and has cared for us. it was a lot different as a child and teenager but that’s because she was going through so much. despite all of that, she worked so so hard to make sure we were okay when my dad decided he didn’t give a shit anymore.

[tamagotchiabortion]

TW: mention of pet death, animal abuse, abusive household

Seeking advice on how to rescue my cats from my neglectful parents care

Two years ago I escaped from the abusive household I grew up in and moved to a different city and started learning how to live with all this newfound freedom. In the home I grew up in, we had multiple cats over the years and two out of the total four passed away when I was a child, Lola was very young and had very recently given birth to 5 kittens but one day I was the first to wake up in the house and snuck downstairs to go say hi to her and the kittens but as I went to give her a pet I realised something was wrong. I was told by my dad that she had been hit by a car whilst outside, must have gotten back home and then succumbed to injuries. My parents sold 4 out of the 5 kittens but let me keep one of them I think because they felt bad enough for me because of Lola's unexpected passing. I named the little kitten Timi and with the help of our other older cat Saphire raised her myself and treated her as my own baby. I am autistic and my biggest autistic special interest is cats, I spent my childhood quite isolated from people so I always felt closer to cats than people growing up. A few years after Timi was born, one of my mums friend entrusted her to look after her pregnant cat whilst she went on holiday. In classic fashion, my mum ignored my advice on how to help a new cat, especially a pregnant one, settle in a new home, and she insisted on letting her go outside in the garden as she pleased. Unsurprisingly, the cat ran away and for almost the entire two weeks she was meant to stay with us we tried to look for her but she was nowhere to be found. My mum had not told her friend of this and believed she would eventually be found before her friend returned from her holiday. By some miracle the cat came back to our house one day, but she wasn't pregnant anymore, and there were no kittens around to be seen. Again I went around the entire neighbourhood and every building looking for an unknown amount of newborn kittens. It was such a big relief when the very next day the mum cat (who my mum had let outside again) brought one of her kittens to our doorstep, and proceeded to over the next week brought back 4 kittens. By this point my mums friend was returning and came back to pick up her cat, to which my mum chose not to tell her anything of what transpired. The cat and her four kittens went back to their home, and when we thought that would be the end of the whole thing, a few days later my parents house was visited by the owner of the pub that was right next door to the house. They had found a newborn black kitten under the floorboards of the pub garden's decking when some of their guests reported hearing the cries of a kitten coming from the floor. They had seen the missing cat posters and as they were acquainted with my parents already knew she had to be ours. I don't remember if my mum told her friend about the last kitten, but all I know is the new kitten was now ours and I had a new kitten to look after. I named her Loulou and introduced her to Saphir and Timi who happily accepted her. Its been around ten years now since then, and I have my own life in my city with my own flat which I rent together with my amazing partner. My Saphir passed away 6 years ago now of cancer. My parents chose to not get him the surgery he needed, not for lack of funds (they are millionaires) but chose instead to have him put down. This all happened in the span of a week, them taking him to the vets and carrying out the procedure, and it happened to be the week that I was away with friends on a trip. They didn't inform me until days later when I came back home and couldn't find him anywhere, to which they casually said "oh yeah didn't we tell you?" And to say the least I was in shock.

Timi and Loulou are still living at the house, and I have concerns about neglect. For one, my mother is an emotionally unstable, alcoholic, narcissist with anger issues and access to all my millionaire dad's money. She hates the cats and will yell at them, chase them out of the house and scare them when she feels angry at them for exhibiting just normal cat behaviour. She has banned them from being able to roam and sleep in any part of the house apart from the garden and kitchen. When I was living there every night I would sneak them into my room so they could sleep with me, and I'd sneak them back down in the morning, but since ive been gone they have been restricted to just garden/kitchen. Every attempt i have made to buy them things she has thrown away because it doesn't go with the "aesthetic" of the kitchen, including toys, cat beds, cat trees, scratchers. They have no choice but to sleep on the hard floor or the chairs but she yells at them if they go on the chairs. After I moved out and stopped talking to my mum she impulsively bought herself a golden retriever puppy she proudly stated was her "new child" she got to replace me. With her dog, she cooks him fresh dog meals from scratch and has pampered him loads with toys, beds, accessories, treats, which is very good and I'm glad for the dog that he is being treated well, but it makes her hatred and neglect of the cats all the much worse because it proved to me its not that she's inadequate and doesn't know how to care for pets it's that she never cared enough to bother. The cats hate the dog, he is ten times their size and energy levels, and Loulou is especially anxious and afraid of dogs. They will stay put in the garden eveb when it's cold and raining to avoid the dog, and the dog is allowed to wonder in all rooms of the house but the cats aren't.

For the last year, my mum has been living in France with her dog which I'm glad that the cats were given a break. But the next problem is that the cats, who are both elderly now and I can tell have achy joints, are left on their own all day. My dad and sister who live at the house work all day and have openly told me all about how they can go for weeks without even petting the cats and apart from filling their food bowl once a day, don't interact with them at all.

Timi and Loulou have also, I don't think by coincidence, started fighting. Specifically, Timi will randomly pounce on Loulou and viciously try to bite her. In the rare times I get to go visit them, it is obvious to me that they are psychologically suffering from the isolation as they love human attention and interaction and can never get enough of it. To know they are being ignored for weeks on end, and with their bodies getting older I feel that they really need day to day care and attention, to help them feel at ease and safe, to feel loved and to also have supervision and help to figure out the fighting issues, i think they are also lacking stimulation. I have a safe home that would be a good environment for them, I have no personal garden but they have stopped exploring outdoors and only go to use the toilet. I have tried convincing my family to let me take then to my flat, my sister agrees with the idea and my dad says he's not against it but has to go with what my mum wants. My mum says I will never have them, but I believe she is spiteful because I have relinquished her control over me. I don't see the point in the cats staying living in a house where they get zero human interaction, barely receive an adequate diet, no comfort or stimulation or enrichment and they are clearly to me in pain, stressed and taking that stress out on each other.

Thank you for taking the time to hear my cats stories, I feel at a loss of what to do as I am afraid if I take the cats without my mother's consent that she will get police involved and try me for theft. If you have any advice for me I would really appreciate it.

[swiftbell]

Just have some very personal stuff I felt I needed to write down and get out into the world, feel free to ignore.

tw: childhood trauma, tw: emotional neglect Actually coming to the realisation that both of my parents were emotionally neglectful to me as a kid feels... weird to say the least. Part of the reason being that they did provide me with everything I needed physically or monetarily, and it feels as if I need to be very grateful for that, but I just can't. I've been reading and watching some stuff on the internet (link, link, link) and one of them mentioned that you had a relatively good life, but you also feel resentment towards your parents. Which yeah. There were also just a lot of things that hit hard, like the one linked video where he goes through signs of childhood trauma and I recognise everything as things I've either struggled with a lot, or to some capacity am struggling with.

The sources I find talk about recognising yourself in some of the points, but I recognise myself in almost all of the points. And honestly it just fucking sucks. On one hand it feels validating for someone to point out and say "hey, what you're feeling isn't normal, and things can be better", but on the other hand I feel angry because it means that I could've had such a better life. My mental health could've been so much better, there are so many situations I could've handled better. I could have been younger than almost 30 before I started feeling like maybe I can get my life together.

And honestly I don't want to hear people talk about how "everybody struggles with this in some form" and "nobody had their life together by 30" because I don't care! I care about the fact that I have it bad and that I could've had it so much better! My feelings and experiences are valid.

And then there's the fact that I really don't think there'd be any difference if I told my parents about it. Both would be defensive, my dad would be angry that my worldview doesn't line up with his and that he thinks he's done good and given up a lot and that I should be more grateful (I have heard him say that he wouldn't change anything about the way he raised us). And I know my mum would be hurt and blame herself, because she's gone through much and given much, but then she'd put it on me to explain to her what she should do and just say that she doesn't understand - problem is that she won't because I've tried to explain things to her a dozen times and she still doesn't understand. It's either disappointed anger or woe is me I don't understand, and neither will want to go to therapy or actually fix it with the hard work it would take, and I just don't want to deal with that. It's not like either of them would actually hear what I want to say to them.

I talked about it a bit with my therapist, and I just remember that in my childhood (7th-8th grade or thereabout) we had a thing in school where we had a list of things we had to put prioritise, and I was the only one who put my friends before my family (excluding my sister, because she's always at the top). Which honestly just shows that I've known this for a long time, but thought I was probably exaggerating because it couldn't be that bad, and it's not like they were actually abusive y'know.

I feel as if I had some point I wanted to make when I started writing this, but I don't know what that point is. Maybe I just want someone to say that what they've done is in fact fucked up, and that I am valid in my feelings, and that people don't try to downplay it, or try to fix it, or try to get me to see their side. Believe me, I have seen too much of their side, and I understand it better than they do. Arrogance? Maybe. But I have 0 hope that they'll ever change.

I'm just not sure what to do now. I am gonna talk more to my therapist about this. I just needed to get this out into the world.

[photographertherapistblogger2]

So I've been doing my own research as well as doing what my life coach and friend has been helping be so with healing my inner child and well I've just had a massive realisation. The realisation is that all the trauma I received as a child made me feel unwanted, unloved and the feeling of not being good enough. I always wondered where those thoughts come from and yeah it kinda makes sense why I feel that way now.

I know before I've tried to express my feelings to my mom about not feeling loved as a child because even though my brothers see things differently to me and thought I was the favourite I never felt that way. After thinking back to parts of my child that I feel are traumatic I don't ever remember feeling protected and loved. I always felt that I had to look after everyone else for example when my younger brother would wait at the end of the road waiting for my dad to turn up. I remember my mom telling me he's not coming and to get my younger brother back in the house. So looking back at that memory I had to take on my brothers emotions and feelings of disappointment as well as my own. I felt I had to comfort my brother to actually let him back into the house whatever form that was sometimes he was kicking and screaming. And now being a parent of too beautiful daughters and a son in heaven with the angels I would never let my child do that. As children they shouldn't have to comfort each other and I will never allow that to happen.

Although I know what I know now I know that was unacceptable and basic classed as neglect these days as I've found out doing the teaching assistant course. Obviously they have been other times when I was abit older that I took on a parent responsibility when my mom was either working or having a break down I had to cook for my younger brother and had to speak to people on my mother's behalf because she just couldn't handle doing it. Which leads me to a time that my older brother needed somewhere to stay and my mom asked me or told me to tell him to leave so thinking about it now and the emotional turmoil that what I had to say was way too much pressure on me at any age. And having to go through losing a baby to me that is exactly how it felt. I felt like I was being ripped about physically and mentally knowing I couldn't do anything to help my brother and knowing he needed help so that's quite obviously a trigger for me now.

I feel that family, no matter what they do they should always be there for you good and bad so maybe that's why I will always give my brother a place if needed. Some might say that they are big enough and old enough to deal with it themselves and that they should be there for you also. But I'm guessing if they constantly abuse and cross your boundaries that your are allowed to express your feelings and they should respect your boundaries. I am a very deep thinker and there are good and bad reasons to why you might allow people yo cross those boundaries but thinking about it, it's only what we're taught or have learned by ourselves if not been shown what healthy relationships or boundaries are. To me that's just another thing that screams neglect from parents.

So thinking about good parts of me growing up I feel like there was very few if I'm being honest and I'm now I'm thinking that my dad actually did more for us that my mum ever did, which I can totally understand because it's hard being a single parent and not having a break or proper break so we can gather our thoughts or let out our emotions and frustrations with constantly looking after children and the physical and emotion strain it causes. Whereas I feel my mom used that as an excuse to not be there emotionally for me I knew it's something I desperately craved and although sometimes I have to take some time to myself I will always been there as much as I can emotionally for my children.

Then thinking about my dad even though my dad wasn't there for us emotionally I have memories of sitting on my dads lap and loved listening to his heartbeat and how he encouraged us to be around family with visiting family neatly everytime we were there. Or he would actually take us out for walks to help us burn off energy and get the fresh air instead of being stuck in being bored and that's something I took on with my children and even though most kids these days are technology based my kids enjoy doing both and I love that my kids have the same passion as me. They only see the beauty of the world and honestly doing photography actually makes me stop and think and see the beauty and see inspiration hence what people should see in my pictures or videos. After writing all this I am proud of myself for expressing myself and of who I have become and stuff I've overcome in life and I'm still here fighting. And when I do my affirmations I connect with one's that a truly believe and find it easy to believe which also makes it easier to make part of my routine because it makes me feel happy on the inside and out. What more could you possibly want. Anyway I'm hoping the next person I put my trust in or get into a relationship with can respect my views and spirituality and routines I've put in place to help me further myself in life.

I truly love myself and know I'm the best person I can be at this point in my life and wish everyone a good day/evening xxxx

[sitting-in-thee-corner]

I want to have a breakdown but I also haven't slept in over 24 hours so I think I need a nap and a snack and then I will feel a little better

[ashesandhackles]

The Hogwarts Express scene in Prince's Tale: A Sirius and Snape analysis

I really, really enjoy Sirius and Snape as characters and their respective narrative functions in story. But what gets me most about them is how much Rowling hints about their backgrounds and so much of it makes sense with regard to who they are as adults. So I am going to be breaking down a very small scene from Prince Tale and getting into long winded hypothesis about their respective childhoods.

So, let's start with Snape. The scene begins with Snape rushing to find Lily, already in his Hogwarts clothes. Harry notes he must have been eager to get out of his clothes - ones that look like he borrowed from his mother, as Petunia spitefully pointed out. This has always been a very interesting detail to me - first off, it indicates how poor Snape's family is. Second, this indicates his tiny rebellion from his father - he refuses to wear clothes of the abusive man, and prefers his mother's. I admit, I am partial to the reading that Snape refuses to associate with his father in tiny ways, rather than Tobias refusing to hand his son clothes.

(I have seen readings which say that it is also a sign of neglect - perhaps his parents bought clothes that simply don't fit him, but I am more inclined to think it's a hand me down, simply because Harry identifies so strongly with it. Because Harry knows what it is like to wear a hand me down that don't quite fit, that are too big for you, or the ones that make you look ridiculous.)

Lily and Petunia's relationship is fraught with Petunia's jealousy. And young Lily is upset over it when Snape meets her. "I am not talking to you. Tuney hates me" she tells him. "Because we saw the letter from Dumbledore". Young Lily shows signs of being extremely emotionally reactive and this scene is one of them. It's easier for her to deal with Petunia's rejection of her by telling Snape she doesn't want to talk to him. It's a childish displacement of her hurt over her sister's rejection. (I am genuinely baffled by interpretations that Lily and Hermione are similar. Hermione is very cognitive person, Lily, as we have been shown repeatedly in memories, is not).

Snape, however, with his bad history with Petunia and his inability/ poor social skills to understand why this matters to her, goes: "So what?"

Lily, who throws him a look of deep dislike, says "So she's my sister". This seed is important because this is what develops into "he doesn't get me" feeling she later displays in her teenage scenes with him. Interestingly, most of Lily's personal relationships have deeply interwined love and dislike - Petunia (whose rejection bothers her but she cheerfully informs Sirius that Harry nearly broke a vase her sister sent - which means there is resentment on her end too), James - who she was attracted to even before 7th year but also disliked at one point, and Snape - again, a contentious friendship filled with love and distance.

"She's only a -" we dont get to hear what Snape intended to say. And given his own acrimony with Petunia, it could be anything. However, I read it as "She's only a Muggle" because it ties into his feelings about his father. Snape, who is proud of being half a Prince, emphasizing his magical lineage from his mother's side, his refuge in a violent, neglectful home. (Barty Crouch Jr and Snape with their disappointing fathers - I imagine Voldemort is supremely attractive leader to people with broken homes like this)

Snape, by all accounts, shows a disorganised attachment style. His caregiver, his mother - and perhaps the only parent he seems to have regard for, is too preoccupied by her own abuse to be there for her son - we see this in glimpses Harry sees in OOTP: " woman cowering" where a man shouts at her, and a young, neglected Snape cries in the corner. Children born in homes like this have trouble regulating their emotions, simultaneously displaying tendencies to aggressively lash out or show disassociative symptoms. Both of which Snape displays. Statistically, this is also seen more in low income households where economic instability and resulting domestic instability creates an unsafe environment for the kids to safely form ideas of their identity, or express emotions in healthy ways, modelling instead out of behaviour seen at home.

Then, Snape reminds her that they are going to Hogwarts. He is already in his Hogwarts clothes - now, Snape gets to be the impressive figure. The one who told her about magic, who theorised about how Muggles get letters from magical people, the one who told her about Dementors and Azkaban. He has already left behind the Spinner's End version of him, he wants to bigger than that, and is keen to be in place of magical learning and to join Slytherin. Essentially, he shows signs of unstable identity, insecurity - all prime for grooming into a cult.

And here comes along James Potter, who looks around at the mention of Slytherin. James's comment uses Snape's line and directs it to Sirius instead and it becomes a conversation between them, as a way to bond more with a fellow "rowdy boy" Sirius. Effectively ignoring the other two.

Sirius as we see here, "does not smile" when James talks about Slytherin. He essentially says something that can be construed as a way to nip that conversation in bud: "My whole family has been in. Slytherin". This suggests to me that there is some loyalty to his family there and his disillusionment with them isn't entirely fixed yet. After all, Sirius's intense loyalty to his friends, more specifically James, did not come out of thin air. It is reasonable to suggest that he felt some loyalty to his family at some point and the intensity with which he regards his friends is a reaction to burned off and being a "displaced person without a family" as Rowling put it.

Interestingly, while his reaction to his mother and Bellatrix are obviously sore spots, his response to Regulus is comparatively quite soft. ("Stupid, idiot" - something he calls James later on in the same book, OOTP). I imagine Sirius has quite complicated feelings about his brother and he is capable of nuance (when the person isn't Snape, where his dislike seems to be borne of an intense projection): "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters". As someone who is grown up among them, Sirius would understand that.

His framing of Regulus's need to please his parents also further highlights what exactly is the source of disillusionment. He calls Regulus "soft enough to believe them" - which means he is crediting his own intelligence to see through his parents bigoted world view. Clearly, bigotry is not something the Blacks explained in a way that Sirius, eldest of their male line and their heir, bought it. It also probably didn't help the Blacks case that Grimmauld Place is in a Muggle neighborhood and that their eldest son is a bit of a wild boy with interest in pushing boundaries. His intellectual disconnect leads to the righteous rage he later feels but it began there. (Boy, it must suck to discover that everything you have been taught to value in the world and in yourself as the heir is essentially rubbish). Since his differences with his family began with seeds of intellectual disconnect rather than on intense empathy with downtrodden, it makes him, as a pureblooded privileged boy, unable to truly understand Lupin's fears regarding his lycanthropy. Hence, the Werewolf prank (I am not getting to the Snape bit, just the Lupin bit). To James' credit, he does understand what that means for Lupin and saves all three of them from different set of consequences.

Anyway, back to the scene. James, who has made an ass of himself in front of his new friend, who he was getting along with fine until now, then goes "Blimey, I thought you seemed alright". (Btw, I find James wildly large ego kind of hilarious here, especially in light of Snape's comment about him to Sirius in OOTP: "You will know he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him"). Sirius, who I believe has been raised like "royalty" as Blacks would, has good enough social skills to defuse a situation. He grins and says: "Maybe I will break the tradition".

This line is an indication of Sirius's desire for independence, an identity seperate from his family. The use of the word "tradition" is interesting. It sounds like Sirius is expected to behave in a certain way, the heir of Black family whose parents thought being a Black "made you practically royal". Adult Sirius is contemptuous of this, or their "valuable contribution to Ministry" which means they just gave gold - it tells me that any and all conditions put on him by his family were to fulfill tradition that is either worthless or holds no meaning in his eyes. The root of the emotional abuse Sirius suffers from his family is this - realising his parents love for him is conditional on him being a certain way. (In fact, you can read Regulus desire to emphasise his connection to the family as a reaction to what he sees with Sirius - Sirius does not behave, Mum and Dad don't love him). As a child with unconscious knowledge of lack of love, Sirius then acts out, they react, rinse and repeat "until he has had enough". Sirius chafes against boundaries well into adulthood and doesn't react well to people enforcing it on him, even if it is out of love for him. Cue the fire scene with Harry where he behaves as if Harry is rejecting him instead of protecting him.

Sirius asks James about where he wants to go, and Snape, who is incensed about James being insulting about a House he put stock in, which he made part of new identity (so that he is no longer that Snape boy from Spinner's End) and was in general trying to be impressive about in front of Lily, "makes a disparaging noise" once James talks of Gryffindor. Snape's response to James' : "Got a problem with that?" is interesting. He says: "If you'd rather be brawny, rather than brainy-"

This is an important value for Snape. He knows he is clever and values it. He spends his spare time inventing hexes, making great shortcuts to Potions. He has genuine thirst for learning and he hones it. In SWM, we see that he has written far more longer answers than anyone else, he is poring over his paper after exams. He even mocks Hermione's lack of inventive answers: "Answer copied word to word from the textbook, but correct in essentials". He values originality. It may be me stretching this, but I am partial to the reading: this is his way of rejecting his father once again, who is implied to be a violent man. (in other words, someone who is hypermasculine - "brawny". In fact, Snape's rejection of hypermasculinity is a huge post on it's own - Potions (brewing, cauldrons - coded as feminine arts), the doe Patronus, his proficiency in Occlumency and Legliemency (intuitive mind arts, again seen archetypically feminine) etc).

"Where are you hoping to go, seeing as you are neither?" - Sirius is quick with emotionally cutting insults. Snape hasn't even finished his sentence, but Sirius is already on his case. Which suggests growing up in a household with sharp tongues. It's a fair assumption, given Mrs Black's half mad portrait. It also tallies with Sirius's talking about his mother: "My mother didn't have a heart Kreacher, she kept herself alive out of pure spite" . The wounds are fresh enough on this. (Another interesting way Snape and Sirius act as inverse mirrors - Snape rejects his father, Sirius rejects his mother. Sirius acts as proxy for James for Harry while Snape takes on Lily's role of protecting him). However, you know who else is spiteful? Sirius.

While James is the physical bully (the tripping Snape, doing most of the bullying in SWM), Sirius attacks emotionally. ( Sample the one about Snape's appearance - "I was watching him, his nose was touching the parchment, there will be great grease marks all over it, they won't be able to read a word" or even the carelessly vicious- "Put that away, before Wormtail wets himself in excitement"). Curiously, with all that talk of how his mother being spiteful, it's her room he spends time in when he is depressed. (Again, in inverse mirror way, we can talk of how Snape looks for a father figure in Dumbledore - craves his validation and is proud of Dumbledore's trust in him). We could argue it's also because Buckbeak is there, and perhaps it's the largest room in the house, but it's very telling that's where Sirius spends time when he is "in a fit of sullens". Sirius's sense of abandonment from his family, makes him look for family connections with friends - a trait he shares with Harry. Interestingly, the first time he glimpses Harry in Privet Drive, Harry is also running away from home - just like he did. Anyway, I could go on.

[absurdthirst]

To the anon with the toxic family!

My father is awful. Legit emotionally abusive and neglected us. My parents divorced when I was 10, and I spent years trying to get any shred of attention from him. I always had to put in the effort, even as I child. Sometimes he'd reply to my messages, sometimes he wouldn't speak to me for a year at a time.

Recently I've realised it's not worth the effort. Constantly wondering why I wasn't good enough and why he didn't love me.

My mum still pressures me to talk to him (she's a firm believer in the 'bUt FaMiLy!' mindset) but for my mental health I've decided I won't be putting in the effort. If he messages me I'll reply, but I'm not chasing him around for the slightest shred of attention anymore. And you have no idea how much better I feel!

You know you better than anyone else. If these relationships are causing you more distress, then by all means cut them out. You don't have to put up with any bullshit just because you're blood related. Noone else can tell you what your relationship with your family is worth, because they didn't live it.

You should be really proud of yourself for seeing their behaviour for what it is and having the strength to put yourself first♥️ If you ever need support or want to talk to someone who's been through something similar, I'm here!

Support for the toxic family anon!!! 💜💜💜

[chlorinebath]

Dear online diary, 3-Feb-2022

I'm realising that maybe suicide is always on my mind now.

Let me tell you why

I recently came out to my dad and step mum as Trans and the name I wanted to go by. It only got bad when I asked my dad,

“do you think you'll ever call me Cooper?”

Which he replied no, so I told my step mum how I felt, she said she could never call me Cooper either.

I have friends come around who identify as Trans and my parents respect their pronouns and names and even changes it up if need to when they talk to their parents.

But when it comes to me, it's different

Recently I've found I'm thinking more about ending it, running away and self harm, maybe hoping it'll open their eyes to see how much it's actually affecting me.

I wanna drop out of school because it's hard and I hate it, but it's also the only place I'm accepted.

My dad says he thinks I'm just confused because when I was 7, I said “i only want to be a mum”, but stuff changes. Like how I use to say I like this artist and now I'm on a whole new genre.

It's like he thinks nothing changes in the world.

On the other hand I think my mum will start respecting my name and everything, but she emotionally abused me, neglected me and her house was too much.

I'm thinking of running away and maybe living with a friend for a while, but I don't know where I'll go.

I wish I never came out, because it's now something my dad always brings up, like I'm now the ass of the joke at dinner

Thank you diary,

Cooper-

[pyaasa]

So the decision was kind of made for me that I’m gonna move back home to Wales. Idk if I mentioned this on here but my parents separated a couple of moths ago - I’m not sad about it or anything cos I hate my dad and wish my mum left him decades ago, if anything I’m annoyed that it’s my dad leaving my mum and not the other way around lol he’s treated her like shit all her life and she just put up with it. And now he’s like I’ve had enough I can’t take this any more and it’s like ?? What is it that YOU can’t take any more? You’ve abused and emotionally neglected your wife all your married life, has that been too hard for you lmfao

Anyway after that happened the decision was made by like, everyone else in the family lol, that I would move back home to live with my mum. And I agreed cos at the end of the day I don’t want her to live by herself and also my dad being tjere was one of the main reasons I didn’t want to live there. So now that he’s leaving I’m fine to move back there. And my mum isn’t well, she’s got some hip problem or something and she struggles to get around, she needs my help. Plus there’s the fact that I’m struggling to find full time work and rent and bills is just stress so moving back home makes sense. And there’s also my nephew who we’ve recently realised is autistic so my brother wants help in the way of childcare so obviously he’s eager for me to move back home so I can help with my nephew. My bhabi seems to be quite depressed over everything and seems to need more support so... yeah I suppose that’s what I’m gonna be doing. All these things happening made me think ok I’m meant to move back home, clearly the stars are aligning that way

I initially told my family I’d move back home end of March because that was when my job was due to end. But then I ended up being let go beginning of Jan and I just didn’t tell my family lmfao cos I knew they would want me to move home earlier then and I didn’t want that. And now they’re all like “when are you gonna move? Shouldn’t you be getting things ready?” and it’s just like..... I’m having a little bit of a panic cos I’m realising I really don’t want to. I’ve been living away from home for 6 years now, I’ve gotten so used to my freedon and space and doing whatever I want whenever I want, I don’t know if I could handle moving back home and having that stuff taken away from me. My mum is like “why do you want to keep your TV? Why don’t you sell it?” and I was like “I’ll just put it in my room” and my mum was like “you don’t need a spare TV we’ve got a perfectly good TV in our living room and I wouldn’t want you spending too much time in your room anyway I want you to spend time downstairs with me” screammmmmmmm I love my mum honestly I love her so much but she also drives me crazy and Idk how I’m gonna handle this lmao

[mycptsdrecovery]

TW for abuse, mental health crisis, unreality, mental hospital mention

hi im a 19 year old and still living with my parents. ive been trying to move out since august and i planned to move out by december. in late december i was not having much luck with housing and i started having memories of not so great things my parents did to me throughout the years play in my head. i rly have no idea how to explain this confusing clusterfuck of a situation in just a tumblr ask but basically i want to know if the things my parents did count as sexual abuse.

from a young age my parents didnt respect my boundaries. my parents often touched my butt (it sounds so stupid calling it that idk what else to put) in seemingly nonsexual or accidental ways, but they didnt stop as i grew older. i remember the first time that i realised i was being sexually abused (thats how i thought about it at the time, idk). i dont remember what my dad did specifically but i was 8 years old-ish, i started puberty around then because my body hates me. it was probably to do with my butt/waist/ things and my dad touching them. we were about to go in a shuttle to the airport, it was like 2am. i remember i stayed silent through whatever happened but at some point during or after i remember bursting into tears and like... thinking to myself that my dad is sexually abusing me (i dont remember where i learnt what that is) and my dad asking me what was wrong but i refused to talk because i was scared. moments like these where my dad touched me in a way that didnt feel normal and i burst into tears happened multiple times. ive felt very uncomfortable around my dad for most of my life at this point. hes the kind of dad who doesnt talk about anything hes thinking or feeling, doesnt talk much at all or have many friends. we have rarely had conversations past surface level talk thats appropriate for strangers or acquaintances so i have never known whats in his head and whenever ive tried to get him to talk with me about something serious he shuts down and leaves. hes very neglectful emotionally, though he used to sometimes fulfil his emotional duties as a parent when i was a very young child according to my mum but he stopped at some point. for a really long time ive been afraid that my dad was sexualising me in his head or sexually attracted to me. ive grown up having nightmares about my parents raping me.

here are some of the things i remember my parents doing. some memories are not easily accessable and some have not been processed as an adult.

TW

-both my parent regularly touched my butt in a variety of contexts. i never confronted my dad about it because i knew he wouldnt answer me. i have learned to only hug my parents in a specific way so that my arm is always under their arms so i can stop them from putting their hands too low.

-my dad used to put his hand on my waist and hips/lower back. he was basically doing the kind of casual touch that you would do with someone ur in a sexual relationship with. he doesnt anymore because i have stopped allowing him to spend much time with me.

-my parents, mostly my mum have touched my breasts very lightly and casually. it could be seen as accidental but my mum has never responded to my frequent requests to stop touching me like this.

-my mum showed me her vagina once as... sex ed? i have no idea if this is normal which is kinda how i feel about most of the ?sexually? themed things my parents have done.

-my mum has always commented on my body in ways that made me very uncomfortable, such as often commenting on how i would be sexually harassed because of the outfit im wearing, even the necklace im wearing.

-my mum gave me several moderately detailed accounts of sexual assaults that hve happened to her, like for instance when i was around 6-9? she used a story of a sexual assault that happened to her while in a pool to say that i be afraid in public pools. the amount of detail was very unnecessary.

-one time my mum was telling me about how boys pinch girls buttcheeks to tell them they think theyre 'sexy'. then she pinched my buttcheeks a bunch of times even though i didnt want her to. im sure she did this many times and i was literally like 5 years old or something.

-my mum talked to my sister while i was in earshot about... how she would be ok with it if i married my 1st cousin? and she named him specifically. it made me feel rly weird around him.

-again my dad has always just given me huge predator vibes and ive always been super afraid of him.

this list is definitely incomplete but i dont remember anything penetrative or to do with anyone touching my genitals.

i tried to tell someone about the "sexual abuse" twice when i was 13, both during mental ward stays about 9 or 10 months apart. the first time is completely blacked out from my memory and the second one... they told the police. my dad was questioned and nothing happened because i never wanted anyone except the nurse who i told to know and refused to tell anyone any details. i just wanted to get a weight off my shoulders. instead i got a 3 or so year long period of my mum emotionally abusing me to a degree she never had. i was almost completely convinced that i had never been sexually abused. i still dont know if its true or not. the specific term my mum used was that i "mis-interpreted" my parents actions as sexual abuse. i didnt push back, i was too terrified of her and i just dissociated to cope with those years. i was very very isolated from anyone except my mum. i wanted desperately to be a young child again and felt like one most of the time. before 6 years old was the only period where i felt like my parents actually liked me.

when i was around 15 i started sexually getting involved with older men online. i wasnt attracted to them, i didntdesire them, i just was so traumatised from... whatevrr u want to call the way my parents treated me but i didnt feel that i had the right to be. i felt like i needed to get some "real" trauma and i dont want to say what i did but im lucky that none of these men ended up meeting up with me irl at least. the fucked up thing is that though it did traumatise me, i kind of felt better because i wanted something i could feel justified in being upset about.

now im 19 and my brain is hitting me with all these memories. i havent felt safe with my parents for most of my life. theyre neglectful and emotionally abusive towards me. they abused all my other siblings physically quite a lot and two of them have moved to different countries so that they can not live in the same place they grew up in. 2 out of 3 of my siblings have completely cut ties with my parents for years now. when i was 11 i recoeved an email from my brother telling me about our parents not being safe people.

ive started to consider the possibility of the constant violation of my boundaries counting as sexual abuse. i have a lot of sexual trauma symptoms and i have for a very long time. i grew up afraid that my dad was going to rape me. i think i was abused by my mum into associating holding my parents accountable with the punishment she put me through after she found out i reported them. i just want to know if im allowed to be upset about this. im terrified that this is normal, because if its normal that means i was a gross freak as a kid who just "mis-interpreted" these actions to be sexual abuse. i need to make sense of my reality somehow. im so confused.

you absolutely have the right to be upset by this. what they did to you was not okay. an adult touching a child intentionally in inappropriate areas is molestation, even if they played it off as not a big deal. many of the things you mentioned also sound like grooming which is often a part of childhood sexual abuse. i’m so sorry these things happened to you. i hope you are safe and can find a way to not be around your parents.

[the-al-chemist]

Fanfic Friday, which characters would you say you most enjoy having Artemis interact with?

Thanks for the ask JD! I love character interactions so much so this is fun!

I love the way that the Hufflepuff girls interact with each other as a group. I think female friendship groups are so important and so under-utilised, especially when they are real solid friendships, and not bitchy or catty or competitive. That’s not to say there won’t be conflicts down the line, but these girls adore each other.

I also like playing around with mother figures for Artemis, not just her own mum (hmm...), but Professors Sprout and particularly McGonagall, and even Jane Court to an extent. I’m looking forward to throwing Rosmerta, Rakepick and Molly Weasley into the mix...

Having just finished publishing part 2, my favourite is currently Artemis and Bill’s relationship. She’s so determined not to have a crush on him, that she doesn’t even realise until Merula makes a nasty comment that she sort of sees him as a replacement Jacob, and there’s this real guilt and nostalgia associated with their interactions. As for Bill there’s just something so Weasley-ish about the way that he takes one look at this determined and quite obviously neglected little girl with absolutely no sense of self-preservation, and just emotionally adopts her on the spot, like “I guess this is my hopeless disaster child now.”

[one-abuse-survivor]

I've always thought my parents were okay up until recently... probably because two of my closest friends (one who I'm nitnin contact anymore) have parents who occasionally hit them and emotionally abused them to some small extent. I've never wanted to say anything about my relationship with my parents because it didnt seem like they were bad in comparison. but now I'm realising that they were neglectful and didnt support me in anyway. They were never physically harmful 1/2

2/2 but I could tell when they were about too hit me even tho they never did. I was ignored. my brother was the golden Child. I've always been the disappointment. They are so SO passive aggressive I have to tread so carefully with them, especially my dad. I know hes a good person but when he gets angry he takes it out on me if I'm near him in a bad mood. My parents always burnt the food. My mum is a workaholic and my dad ignored everything. Should i be upset about this?

-----

While there is no emotion that you “should” feel, as in, no one should be telling you how to feel about the things that happened to you, you have every right to feel upset about this. There is always going to be someone who you feel has it worse than you, but that doesn’t mean your struggles and experiences don’t matter or that you should ignore or accept them just because they aren’t worse than they are. Neglect and passive-aggressiveness, as well as being labelled a disappointment and constantly having to be vigilant/on edge around them in fear they’ll take out their frustrations on you, can all be deeply traumatising in the long run, and you deserved a LOT better than that. You deserved their time, attention, love and support. You’re allowed to feel angry, sad, and every other feeling in the book because of the fact that they didn’t give you any of those things.