#i feel like my only friends hate me even though i know they dont | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

laithraihan · 2 days

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Would you be comfortable sharing any personal info (age, profession, relationship status, etc...)? Completely understand if you're not but it's always really interesting learning about the lives of ppl I admire. Again, if that's not something you wanna do it's totally understandable! I love your art!!

Ah thank you so much 🫶 and sure I dont mind sharing some stuff but to be very honest Im not an interesting person, so I'm sorry in advance for disappointing you.

So I'm a woman (or something like that) even though I use a male pen name for art, Im 22 years old, 151cm (4'11"), the eldest daughter who has two teenage siblings who are both taller than me and make fun of me for being short. I do not have a profession and I do not go to school due to a disability I will not disclose. Im a lesbian engaged to a butch, we've been together for almost 4 years (our anniversary is in August)

My favorite season is winter because all the bugs are dead and I despise summer because the bugs are alive. Im also really scared of butterflies for some reason. Im scared of winged bugs in general. Ive never seen a cockroach in my life but I'd probably kill myself if I saw one. I really hate bugs. The winters are harsh here but I like walking outside when theres light snow falling at night. Im also a bit obsessed with Christmas lights but I dont celebrate Christmas, I dont follow any religion in general but my family is Muslim so Ive been raised with that. If I could just put Christmas lights in my room all year then I would do that. They look really pretty.

About my ethnicity I think everyone knows Im Algerian already, well Ive only been to Algeria once when I was like 8 years old so I dont really remember anything. All I know is that my uncle would keep telling my dad that I convinced him to stop smoking and that he's eternally grateful for that but I literally cannot remember what I did or said back then so I just pretended I knew what he was talking about. Anyway. Id like to go there again one day. I most likely will go soon in the future so it makes me happy to think about it.

My first language is French and Im somewhat fluent in English but it needs more work. Whenever I speak English I have to think harder about the words that come out of my mouth and I start saying things that dont make sense. But my pronunciation is good so other people just assume Im fluent. Also I understand Derja (Algerian Arabic) when people talk to me out loud but I cant form sentences and respond back so I just answer people in French. I know how to read Arabic script and I understand basic words but again I cant form sentences. As for Japanese I can only read Hiragana and Katakana and a bit of Kanji, and my understanding of the language is worse than Arabic, so I practice by translating Japanese song lyrics, reading news articles and talking with Japanese users online

Honestly I dunno what else to say, I dont really have any special skills or anything like that. Unless you count memorizing all the metro stations in Montreal but thats only because I had to use public transport all the time when I was a kid because my parents never felt like driving me to my appointments. At that point I probably visited every single station because I had to go to many random places. I dont have a drivers license but I prefer walking to places in general even though there are no stores near my neighborhood, but I think it's better for me because I get to walk more. I think I really like the idea of travelling in general but I dont have friends for that, my parents also wouldnt allow me to hang out with friends so it's a bit unfortunate

Oh and lately Ive been enjoying making eggs for some reason, I think Im good at doing that. But I only cook whenever Im hungry and I rarely feel hungry so I dont cook many eggs. I also dont like cleaning dishes so I avoid making huge meals in general. I dont really eat much in the first place but I still like food. I really like going to restaurants too. I just like going outside in general. I like listening to music and talking with people, normal stuff like that. Im running out of things to say so I'll probably just stop there.

#asks

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gaykneecaps · 7 months

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tw vent

#i feel like im slowly going insane #it feels like theres multiple versions of my own personality inside me #i realised my mum is emotionally neglectful #im having fucking terrible mood swings every 2 minutes (im questioning BPD as well so thats fantastic) and im #in the worst depressive episode of my life is it ever going to fucking end #not to mention the heat is giving me extreme sensory issues #and i dont get to see my psychiatrist until fucking january #becuase i see him like once every 5 months #i feel like my only friends hate me even though i know they dont #my fp has another fp that isnt me and i know i should be happy for them but it drives me insane every time i remember they exist #and i cant help but feel like theyre lying every time they tell me they love me #and i feel so attention seeking for thinking that because why the fuck would they lie #and i feel shitty all the time but i have to mask it because if im just sad all the time the only people i have left will leave me #and im completely dissosciated all day #it feels like im drifting more apart from my body every day #the maladaptive daydreams are only getting worse and worse theyre always watching #and im never alone #so i can never unmask #and one of the only people i felt like i could confide in just moved out of our house #and i feel guilty whenever i talk to the other one

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grey-has-rusted · 3 months

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^me when i am a sensitive person

#ramblings #i hate feeling lonely #it literally hurts my heart #i have such a hard time forming connections both irl and online #idk how many times ive cried just this past month bc i felt lonely #and even when i am included in things im always an after thought #its been months but im still thinking about stupid christmas #i know the whole point isn't to get gifts #but i got one present. while i spent hundreds of dollars getting my family gifts #they even asked me what i wanted too #helped my cousin decorate for her christmas party and last minute i found out it was a secret santa #i got invited but was the only one not included in that #so yeah....#i dont have anyone to celebrate holidays with #my birthday was sad #i cried then too #not looking forward to tomorrow either #and i try to make friends and talk to people #but i feel as though i always initiate #and nobody seems interested in talking to me #which... i dont expect everyone to like me #but it really does hurt and it makes wonder what's wrong with me #also why cant my brain focus on something else #like doing something productive #its been ages since ive drawn anything #ive just been sad. that's the whole post.#bye now

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early-october-skies · 2 months

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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees

#lizzierants #had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly #caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because #theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry #that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing #good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me #someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with #my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am #overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back #this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf #i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec #ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help #and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here #most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much #anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking #terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine #is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because #they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate #this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start #crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3 #i will heal and ill be okay <3

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strwbrymlkshake · 3 months

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I am trying so hard but it still isn't ENOUGH FOR YOU? DON'T YOU SEE HOW HARD I'VE BEEN TRYING?

#mine #normally i've been good about not being too upset over things #but oh fucking boy. okay. im glad people are scared of me #i hope they know that im the only right one in the whole world and they are wrong and are justified for fearing me and im glad my existence #will turn them off from sharing their wrong opinions. but oh FUCKING BOY? ive been sitting here the whole time like oh they hate me #oh they hate me so much they want me to die wahhh and im trying to do all the things they like because im for some reason fucking bothered #by their other opinions. even though the people themselves are useless trash #and oh. like i was suspecting it but its finally confirmed huh??? you all cant fucking stand the sight of me because im right?#you dont understand the truth?? they hated him because he told them the truth? thats me as fuck rn dude #i am literally gracing your eyes with the content i make and basically hand feeding you the correct opinions to have #and yet you still reject them! people just love being stupid unfortunately. i want to kill them all.#i would be so much nicer if you all just agreed with me on the objective truth but unfortunate you have to be stupid #i have graced you with so many GIFTS and protected you from my wrath so many times but you do not even give a fuck #WHY AM I CRYING. YOU ARE ALL SO USELESS WHY AM I CRYING!!! MAYBE ITS BECAUSE YOU DONT AGREE?#i guess im crying because they are all so stupid #so what im saying is its very unfortunate that everyone does not worship me and all my opinions and the world is very hard. yes.#friendship ended with self hatred now delusions of grandeur are my new best friend #even trhing to explain myself makes me sound like a shithead but i swear to fuck if you all just listened to me like youre supposed to #then absolutely nothing would ever go wrong! but you all had to be stupid on purpose! do you like being wrong? whats your problem #explaining all the reasons im RIGHT and yet i still feel bad for having the gall to do so. i shouldnt feel bad. im doing great. youre just #uncomfortable in the fact that YOURE wrong and making me have to accomodate you for your wrongness? tf is that about #okay lunatic rant over i have finished crying ☝️

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bl00dw1tch · 1 year

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Am i fundamentally inhuman and unlovable and unfit to exist in modern society and actually secretly an evil fake bitch or am i just going to start my period in a few days.

#horse.txt #the world may never know.....#anyway ive felt especially hateful these past few days and im blaming that dream where i told a karen to khs #bc thats just been in my head on repeat ever since at Every inconvenience and i actually kind of hate it #bc i. have noticed it absolutely tanking my mood every time lmao #which makes acting normal (aka Nice) really fucking hard #i want to be i like being nice its like the only thing going for me but also i have SUCH a talent for pissing ppl off when i Let Go #and man. every day it gets more and more tempting. even though i know id regret it.#i just want to fucking. disappear off the face of the earth for 3 years and then come back to my friends n family as a whole person #instead of whatever the fuck i am now #i have nothing to fucking offer except for things im way too scared to give up. i feel like i can only be honest with complete strangers #but even then like. not really lmao #tale as old as fucking time #god i dont want to be here anymore #vent //

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weirdlizard26 · 9 months

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so bizarre to me that my love language is apparently recording music for people. how did this even happen

#wl26 #<- little weirdo #SORRY I LIKE MUSIC AND THE ACT OF SHARING IT!!!!!!!!!!#i feel rly guilty abt it sometimes bc it feels so selfish. like hi i made art and im showing it to you so you can look at or listen to it #and you might not like it but i made it for you specifically because its related to something you enjoy #but its not actually the thing you enjoy. its just something that i made about it because i also enjoy it #and im scared the ways we enjoy it are completely different which means youre gonna hate the thing i made #but i will show it to you anyways because i love you and its the only way i know to say it #n a couple of time ive wanted to write a song for someone and gotten so excited about it and then had the horrible realization that #this is so. so oddly specific to me and this is just something i do out of love for friends #and it really isnt any bigger of a deal than any other handmade gift #and i think it can easily qualify as a handmade gift even though it doesnt involve making anything with hands #except for sounds i suppose #but yeah its just something i do. but. outside of my tiny little world. writing a song for someone might seem like such a huge gesture #and i dont want to make anyone uncomfortable or have the wrong idea about me or think that im doing a big thing to get something in return #and idk why im so scared of that like ive never been in a situation where people misunderstood me like that #but i guess. the very concept of being misunderstood is so painful to me gdfkgjd #this wasnt supposed to turn into a big post sorry. just want a normal brain that doesnt make me feel guilty abt everything please #wouldnt that be so nice #this isnt rly abt anything btw i was just going through my music folder. listening to my stuff from 2018 #5 years... god

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hjemne · 8 months

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I've been... Absolutely normal? After this breakup with the person that I really genuinely wanted to spend my life with.

It happened Friday night, I cried most of the night and a little on Saturday but then something just shifted and I've been like 99% fine and normally and happy since then? The only time the sadness has really hit me since has been thinking about how upset my (dying) grandma will be that she won't be able to know my partner. But otherwise? I got horrendously drunk on Saturday night, had tons of fun and was fine with a guy low-key flirting with me. Since I got thru the handover and sleepiness on Sunday I've been utterly normal, getting on with work, reading romance and enjoying it rather than being sad or jealous etc. The main stressor has been the number of deadlines I've had this week and trying to manage my parents' reaction and reassure them I'm fine.

It's not that I'm complaining I've not been truly and utterly crushed by the heartbreak, but I'm just weirded out by this reaction. I'm worried I'm bottling it all up and it'll explode later or that this is me sliding back into depression, but I'm still enjoying things and it doesn't feel like depression? Like have I actually reached that level of emotional maturity that I've dealt with everything (or most things) already?

He decided about a week ago that he didn't want to go through his early twenties having to factor someone else into his life plans. I understand it, I respect his decision, acknowledge that there's no use in trying to talk him out of it, appreciate the fact he told me as soon as he could in person so we ended the relationship still loving each other rather than growing apart and resentment building. I really can't stress how I've never loved or been loved by anyone like with him before and that he has been the most important person in my life for four years. Accepting that the life we were planning together has gone has seemed to happen so easily and it feels like something must therefore be wrong. It's helped that we haven't seen each other in person and haven't currently got plans to I guess because I think it's going to really hit when I can't be physically affectionate like before. But even with the distance I still just can't understand why I'm feeling so nothing about this. He brought up that he might want to break up in March and I cried far more than this. Have I been emotionally checked out of the relationship since then without realising? Am I just bottling stuff up without realising? I just wish I knew

#im very used to being alone #even during the relationship we were long distance for most of it and i was living by myself or with emotionally distant family #and last month i moved in with 3 friends and with uni starting I'm able to socialise more even though i still prefer to be alone a lot #so maybe its the fact that i dont feel so isolated that's helping?#even when we lived together i only really had my now ex around to turn to for friendship #also with university im so so overworked but it gives me structure #so im with friends and have a purpose #which is maybe whats holding me together #i think i did process a lot of this after we nearly broke up in march #i said to him months ago that I ultimately want him to be happy and if he decides that its not with me then ill hate it but accept it #i am also on a lot of adderall lmao #switched prescriptions today #anyway even if im slightly scared everything is going to explode out of me one day #i am still proud with how im handling this #i could have been so vindictive during the break up but i knew thatd only hurt him and that i dont want him to be upset #so i wasnt #there were a couple of times i said stuff that i could have left unsaid like how i had our anniversary card already written and in our desk #and i think part of me did want him to hurt at that but mostly because i wanted him to see how much i was? still petty I know #but also i think I'm allowed a bit of pettiness when im being dumped pretty much out of nowhere #idk man #its not bad necessarily its just weird #we said we'd talk on the weekend so the first convo post break up wouldnt become a Thing of who would blink first or whatever #and i want him to know im alright but i don't want it to seem like im bragging or that it means the relationship meant nothing to me #like hey I've lost the most precious thing we had together and actually it seems im fine without it #i really really hope hes feeling a similar way #our friend and my housemate went to visit him yesterday so hopefully hes let him know im coping fine so he doesnt have to feel guilty #i dont want him to be alone in a new house full of strangers and heartbroken #ive been telling our mutual friends to look after him and saying they really really really shouldnt take sides or anything in this #and i dont like thinking of him being sad and knowing there's absolutely nothing i can do rn to help other than giving him space #rambles

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dexaroth · 2 years

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i know its unrealistic and nonsense to feel bad bc im not as good as i could be within a hobby bc a hobby is supposed to be fun and occupy your time but i cant for the life of me not feel guilty about not drawing and not improving

like.. i have most of the resources. i often have the time. i have almost a thousand pictures in my reference folder to be used to practice and learn. i have an internet connection to be inspired and learn from those better than me and yet... i just don't feel like drawing. and i mean drawing something grand.. not just the dozens of doodles and oc refsheets i keep churning.. i want to do standalone pieces like i used to and look at them fondly and feel proud of something. but i just dont have the flame to do it for months and months on end

i mean obviously this is much more likely to happen when it has been your primary hobby for over like 7 years contrary to, say, webpage coding which i just started to learn like a year ago. what's keeping me from wanting to draw though? its so frustrating to know you Have the Potential to be a good artist and knowing How you could become more but just.. not feeling like it. and telling urself im gonna draw tomorrow and tomorrow comes and its one of those days you'd rather stare at a wall the whole afternoon and it just keeps going and going and you stay stumped

#yes i have the potential to do so much better than what i can show you right now dude trust me #not only for personal reasons but i also want to start looking into doing commissions for real and like.#thats insane #idk what to draw > set up comms so someone gives me smn to draw > they dont know what i can draw > idk what to draw > repeat #im also like the guy that loves giving gift art but ive had so many cases where i drew for a rando and they just. treated it like a product #sold along the character like cool! so glad i spent my time into a drawing for you to throw it into your garage sale like everything else!#and that looming fucking awful sense of 'originality' like boohoo someone drew this already waaaa i dont believe in originality why do i >#> care so much. Why. its like knowing there isnt a monster under ur bed and still suffocating yourself inside the bedsheets. nonsense...#this is so tiring. not drawing to me feels like neglecting a dear friend #even though i dont feel bad at not practicing at a game. at not knowing how to code everything in 2 days #at not knowing the best clays to sculpt or the best knitting tricks.#bc its a fucking hobby. i should feel obligated to do it i should have fun when i want to and yet i chain myself to it #i shouldn't fell obligated* oop #could you imagine how crazy stupid it'd be that a construction worker felt bad for not building some lately #WHY AM I LIKE THIS!!! I DONT GET IT!!!#dextxt #<its always funny to end a post with a cry and then have it followed by lowercase txt tag like teehee just another white guy moment #but i do mean im tired and frustrated and miserable for nothing.. war and hate on planet earth or whatever. *explodes*

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caffeinatedopossum · 1 year

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I feel like I'll never be a good artist because of my aphantasia

#its like it goes both ways... i love art but its so difficult because i cant make it spontaneously but making art helps me visualize #the things that i want to see #its the only way for me to see my alters or my inner world #and its the only way i can remember my friends faces even a little (i also have very poor facial recognition)#its my only way to imagine... my only way to daydream #my only way to see things differently #to see myself differently #and it hurts that its so limited #im scared to complain because im afraid people will tell me im just not cut out for art #or that i clearly dont really have it because i can draw #but i dont think they know just how much effort i put into everything. just how much it means to me #i feel like a terrible person and a terrible artist because i have to rely on reference images and tracing so heavily #i feel like everyone will hate me if they knew how much i rely on other peoples art to improve...#i dont want to do anything wrong i just want to maks thinge #i just want to make things #Its the reason i stopped showing people my art and the reason i dont think ill ever be able to profit off my art #even though its my greatest skill (still not saying much clearly)#im scared ill show someone something im proud of and theyll accuse me #id rather just keep it to myself...#do you know how hard it is to be proud of something or love something that youre ashamed to show anyone else?#idk this probably sounds incredibly stupud #im sorry if any of you actually read this

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ankhisms · 2 years

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feeling the sad little pathetic creature emotions this evening suddenly. i dont really want to dwell in feeling bad but it is a familiar deep sad feeling u know. itll be ok i just have to let it out