#i spent most of my 20s depressed so IDK THESE THINGS | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

forestlingincorporated · 4 years

Text

I wanna talk about Janet Drake

I’m not against exaggeratedly evil versions of Tim’s parents, tbh. It’s fanfiction, if we can depict an Exaggeratedly Good version of Bruce (which we can, and I do, and I love) then we can depict the Drakes as Exaggeratedly Bad. As someone who personally identifies with Tim, and his brand of complicated parental abuse in particular, I find it cathartic to uncomplicate that abuse and rescue him from the Obviously Evil Bad People.

That said, since much of comics lore is passed down word of mouth, the oral tradition surrounding Tim has developed this idea of Janet as The Worse Parent between her and Jack that was never really present in the comics. We see much LESS of Janet, and we have 20 years worth of comics depicting Jack as a neglectful hotheaded idiot who ultimate does love his son. More importantly, Jack isn’t very much LIKE Tim, so there is a habit to attribute Tim’s traits to his mother... and, as someone who really really identifies with Tim, Tim has... some negative traits. Tim can be a bitch sometimes. He’s fiercely intelligent and sweet and kind, with a strong sense of justice, but he can be cold and judgmental and unthinking - he fights those traits, but he does have them.

And it is perfectly fine to depict Janet that way. I’ve enjoyed depictions of Cold Calculating Janet Drake, but it’s not the ONLY option, and I want to challenge fans to consider different avenues. Tim could pick up these traits from anywhere: a nanny, Mrs. Mc Ilvaine (”Mrs. Mac”), a teacher, tv, Sherlock Holmes novels, Bruce Wayne himself. Tim is capable of not being like EITHER parent.

So, what do we KNOW about Janet? (I’ll also touch on Jack, but only in scenes he appears with Janet.)

When Janet was first introduced she was depicted as a gentle but “modern” woman. This was written in 1989, told by a 13 year old Tim, so this theoretically was meant to take place in 1979. I’m not here to give a lecture on the history of sex discrimination in the united states, but much of the legislation protecting women in the workforce or surrounding women’s bodily autonomy would have been very very new in this initial depiction.

Here, Janet is shown to be encouraging, emotional, maternal, and projects her own feelings onto Tim. Jack is shown to be slightly sexist, possibly discouraging, but not overbearing. And the artist is shown not to know how to draw children.

To insert some speculation, I think it’s important to note all the Drakes witnessed a terrible murder/accident that day. I point this out, because this is the last time Jack and Janet are depicted this way. It’s possible they changed as a result of this event specifically.

However, this is also a story being told by Tim. It’s also possible these events aren’t really “real” at all, and Tim is misremembering what his parents were like as a three-year-old, possibly projecting a more palatable version of his parents into the narrative. This is entirely up to personal interpretation.

In fact, the Drakes are shown in Legend of the Dark Knight attending Haly’s Circus, and the artist knows what a toddler looks like and they’re depicted as already having a slightly strained relationship. Jack is clearly on the defensive, and Janet seems to be passive-aggressive, though she could just be attempting to explain the situation to her toddler honestly. The intended tone isn’t especially clear.

I do want to point out, in this depiction, Tim isn’t being carried like he was in the previous one. He’s walking ahead of his parents, which isn’t a terrible horrible crime, but could be dangerous in a crowded place like the circus. Might be a subtle hint to his parents overall neglect.

Back to A Lonely Place of Dying, in Tim’s memories of the night he discovered Robin and Dick Grayson were the same person at nine-years-old, his parents are home, and watching TV together while Tim played... trucks, idk, in the living room with them. (This is semi-interesting, because you could say “oh, Tim liked vehicle toys as a kid” or you could extrapolate that this is another subtle indication of Jack’s sexism, providing Tim with appropriately “boy toys.” Either interpretation is valid. If Tim was assigned female at birth, would they have been given “girl toys,” or allowed to play with whatever they wanted?)

This is, to my knowledge, the only panel of the Drakes when Tim is between ages 3 and 13. They’re all together, which might indicate that the Drakes were home more often when Tim was 9, only later going on business trips when Tim was “old enough” but...

This is Tim’s boarding school when he’s 13. While most boarding schools in the US are for grades 9-12, Tim is clearly not a freshman at age 13; look how much younger the other kids in this panel are. In the US, the youngest you can attend most boarding schools is 7.

That means Tim could have begun going to boarding school anytime between 7 and 13. He most likely spent all of middle school in boarding school, at least. There are an almost infinite number of possible ways the Drakes handled having a business that required lots of international travel, an archeology hobby, AND a very young child. Janet staying home until Tim was 7, 11, 13, is equally possible as the Drakes having a nanny until 7, 11, 13. Tim just doesn’t talk about that period of his life very much.

(”What about Mrs. Mac?” - it is unclear when Mrs. Mac begins working for the Drakes. We only see her when Jack comes out of his coma. She could either be a long standing staff member, or a recent hire.)

Note: I’ve seen it said that it’s canon that “According to Tim, when his parents were home, they made a point to try and include him in their activities, bringing him along to events that were normally adults only.” I have never seen this panel, or I don’t remember it, so I cannot confirm, but I also cannot debunk this because... comics.

By the time Tim is 13, Jack and Janet are away on business trips a lot, with limited communication, and no firm return date. If I’m feeling generous, I’d say it was harder to communicate internationally in 1990 than it is today. If I’m not feeling generous, I’d say the Drakes are extremely wealthy, and international communication was easier than ever before in the 80s and 90s. They’re not even going home to see Tim in a week or two, they’re going home and calling Tim at boarding school in a week or two.

Even Bruce thinks its weird, though he doesn’t say so to Tim’s face. It’s written almost as if Tim’s parents’ neglect was meant to be a plot point that just got forgotten about.

Tim’s parents are fighting at this point (their poor assistant), but Janet still goes with Jack on these business trips. And she’s clearly involved in the business, somehow, but the comics never SAY what Janet’s JOB is. We’re told Jack is the exec, but Janet is ONLY ever referred to as Jack’s wife, though they’re later described as the “heads” of the company, plural.

Just to be clear, this is Jack’s business. There’s a perception that Jack is a bad business man because he and Janet fight over company decisions, and Jack looses the business after Janet dies, but Jack looses the company YEARS after Janet dies, and maintains it for about a year after No Man’s Land at that. We’re not told how Jack looses the business, but he’s got to be doing something right. Janet isn’t necessarily the “real brains” of Drake Industries.

And I’m not... gonna... touch the... exploitation and racism because... I’m not qualified to do that. But, here’s the panel. The Drakes sure seem exploitative and racist in their business decisions. Someone else can... analyze that with more nuance.

Regardless how how long they’ve been fighting, when their lives are in danger, the Drakes fall back into a loving husband and wife. Their marriage may be falling apart, but they do care about each other.

I want to show these panels because it shows that Tim and Jack do have things in common. They’re both level headed in a crisis and can be somewhat cold in their practicality. Janet meanwhile and silent. Jack is later willing rant and rave at their captors, but Janet remains silent.

That is, until they’re alone, and she finally lets herself fall apart.

God, Jack can be obnoxious. Janet just looks miserable and resigned. I actually think Tim takes after his parents in this respect in equal measure. Tim can have a temper, but he can also be fairly melancholy and defeatist.

Jack keeps reminding Janet to be strong and in control, which could be period typical sexism? But Jack seems so practiced and ready with the words of encouragement, and with Tim’s history with depression, I wonder if Janet has an inclination towards it as well.

As the end approaches, when Jack brings up Tim, Janet seems to have a lot of regret. She talks about “wasting” the good things, and I don’t think it’s too big of a stretch to assume she’s talking about time spent with her only child.

From this point on, Janet is at times spoken of, but not seen. Like here, when Jack says Janet wouldn’t approve of him and Tim being so “far apart.” He says this after he tells him he takes back his threat to send him back to boarding school, which might imply Janet was against the idea of boarding school? Though she obviously lost that argument when she was alive.

Jack will of course renege on this later, but that’s Jack Drake for you.

Or here in Tim’s illness induced dream, where he gets everything he wants. Though, since this is a fantasy of Tim’s, where his father and girlfriend are both more accepting and understanding than they are in real life, I would take this depiction of Janet with a grain of salt.

After loosing Drake Industries, Jack thinks about Janet (though, they call her Catherine/Cathy for some fucking reason) during his depressive episode. And... uh...

Hallucinates a Valkyrie???? Is this symbolic of suicidal thoughts, or is she... real? Or is he seriously hallucinating?

Anyway, we’re not here to discuss Jack’s mental state, the fact that he forgot Tim’s birthday, or that concerning “I was going to knock some sense into you but you’re still bigger than me” statement from Tim, we’re here to talk about Janet. And even though this entire arc is about Jack mourning his first wife, they don’t SAY anything about Janet herself at all. I mean, they don’t even get her name right, so I guess what was I expecting.

Then there’s Origins and Omens, which also doesn’t say anything about Janet, except that Tim’s memory of her is faulty - Janet was poisoned, her assistant Jeremy’s throat was slit on television, but Tim seems to have conflated the death he did see with the death he didn’t.

The only piece of canon to suggest that Janet might be cold, is Tim compares her to Thalia. And even then, he’s really just saying Janet was protective of him. It’s kind of a scary look to make at your kid, but Bruce does the same thing, so.

I do want to say... it’s not 100% clear if Tim is even talking about Janet. He could be talking about Dana. Dana was observably protective of Tim, though I don’t think he’s ever called her mom. He PROBABLY means Janet.

And finally we have Tim visiting his mother’s grave (in a duel Christian/Jewish cemetery, make of that what you will), where Tim says she was “a little religious.”

And that’s it! That is all we know about Janet Drake in New Earth. Hardly the Mom From Hell, but she isn’t perfect. I’d be interested in seeing some alternate depictions of her within the fandom.

I’m still gonna eat up Terrible Parents From Hell like a starving puppy dog, though. Just some food for creative thought.

#Tim Drake #janet drake #jack drake #robin #Red Robin #character analysis

1K notes · View notes

levis-coffeecup · 2 years

Text

Chapter 15 | All that is lost

WC-9.9 k

Content/Warnings

canon- compliant, canon-typical violence, descriptions of PTSD, grief, depression, heavy angst and themes, strong language.

Author's note:

Brace yourself for this really really long chapter, because some it's almost 10k words long and idk how.

There are 2 scenes in this one, and the first one takes place a month after chapter 14, where Levi and Mae kinda confront each other. And the second scene is a month after that. (So basically, 2 months covered in this one chapter)

Also I'm sorry, there's been quite a delay on my side. Its 1:26 in the morning which does mean that I'm almost 1 and a half our late and Sunday has already ended. But also the fact that I had been posting in the afternoon the past weeks. (I was in my hostel and we don't have good internet there at night, so I was posting the chapters early, but now I'm back home for a week, so I took my time🤡)

So in short, i'm really sorry if someone was waiting and i showed up 12 hours later lol.

The song for this chapter is lost on you - by LP. I hope you guys like it!

Chapters

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22

Masterlist | Playlist | Other Works

SEPT 846

Cold air blows in Mae’s face, as she wipes the tear that rolls down her cheek. The river streams below the rock she sits on. And the moon is out, crescent shaped today. Shining its light on the clearing in the forest.

She takes in a deep breath as she looks down at the ebbing river. And even though she doesn’t see her reddened face in all the darkness, she doesn’t need sight to know that her face is swollen from all the crying.

She’s doing well as a doctor. The bar is good as well, no man has gawked at her ever since the Levi incident. And she’s not alone, she has Hange and Raz.

Things are fine, and there is no blatant reason to be upset. But she is still crying.

It feels like there is so much sadness trapped inside of her. And she doesn’t know why it's here or how it got here. But she carries it everywhere… And it comes out at random times, in the form of the quaking of her shoulders and the glossy film that covers her eyes.

Her tears feel cold against the blowing wind. The sound of the flowing river fills her ears. And the stars in the sky blur out due to the moisture laced in her eyes.

It's been so long since she’s been here. To her spot, to the place that used to offer her so much solace.

But today, as she sits here and feels the sturdy rock beneath her body, she is reminded of the time when she first met Levi. Days spent sitting under a cedar tree, on the outskirts of the clearing. Giving a mere stranger some space because to her he looked upset.

And now he stands behind the same tree where she once sat. Staring at her instead as she cries on the rock. The tables have turned and life has drastically changed. And there seems no way for things to get back to how they once were. So naive yet spiteful.

September is about to end in a week, And it's almost been 2 months since that day when Levi beat up that creepy customer and created a scene. And since then he’s been coming to the bar daily, he hasn’t missed a single day.

He stays at the bar for her entire shift. From 8 to 12. Glaring at anyone who even looks at her. And it's not just that.

He follows her back to her house as well, and he only leaves when he sees her shut the door and blow the candles off. Resting safely inside her home.

And oh! How hard she has tried to get rid of him.

She left his table uncleaned. Told Raz to ignore him and not serve him anything. She even added salt in his tea some days, and yet he drank it without filing a single complaint to the manager. Without even making a face.

And she’s failing again. History is repeating itself. In the most ironic way. Just like 2 years back, when she was trying to get him out of her spot.

And yes his presence does make the bar a much safer place. Raz feels more comfortable as well. But Mae doesn’t want her stupid heart to throb for him once again.

She wants to forget about him. She left her job, she left everything she had, for this, and now he comes chasing after her. Acting like her bodyguard.

Acting like the man she fell in love with.

Her mind feels heavy with thoughts. And her thoughts are crashing inside her like a hurricane. Messing up everything that stands its way. Her head throbs and she clutches it with both of her hands. Her fingers dig into her scalp and she lets out a frustrated groan.

It's all the same, just like all those days back then. She isn’t able to get him out of her spot and she isn’t even able to get him out of her heart.

And Mae doesn’t understand how Levi is even managing everything? Have his duties as a captain magically reduced? Or does he not need any sleep anymore?

Her mind flashes back to the day after, when she lashed out on him. Weak and miserable, begging for him to cooperate.

It was raining, so hard that Mae thought a storm would come in.

The bar was jam packed, filled with customers and people taking shelter from the rain.

And words couldn’t describe the disappointment on her face, when she found Levi sitting at the same cornered table, with that same damned cloak on. As if she never begged him to get away from, just a day prior.

The rain stalled for a minute. And her feet moved on a will of their own, ignoring all the customers who were waiting for her to come to their table.

She pinched the fabric of his cloak, and dragged him outside the noisy bar.

The streets were quiet and water filled up all the crevices in the cobblestone path. There was hardly anyone in sight, and to Mae this filthy, mud covered street seemed like the perfect place to confront Levi.

Or maybe it was her desperation, her mind that was begging her heart to forget him. And her heart, that was poorly failing. Trying everything in hand to not think about him,

And yet he was here at the bar, acting as if nothing wrong ever happened between them. Acting like she still was his friend, and he still cared.

Mae pivoted around, hand still clenching on to the fabric on Levi’s shoulder. And her face was filled with venom as she sneered. “Why are you here when all I want from you is to not be in my life anymore?”

But Levi was quiet as usual, head facing down and body so still, as if she wasn't even saying anything . It reminded Mae of the day she confessed to him.

And anger seeped into her system, at his lack of response. “LEVI! I’M A MARRIED WOMAN, YOU NEED TO STOP PLAYING THESE GAMES WITH ME.”

Levi remained quiet again. His cloak covered half of his face. And Mae couldn’t see the expressions on his face, but she knew the man in front of her wasn’t the indifferent, cold man who never breaks out of his demeanor.

It was something else, maybe a part of him that he had caged deep within him.

Thunder cackled through the clouds, and it was only at that moment that Levi looked up. Reaching his hand forward towards Mae, that he knows, shudders at the sound of thunder.

And it was true. She had shriveled up, hands hugging herself and eyes wide in a moment of fear.

Her heart was beating faster, and she didn’t know whether it's for the thunder that scared her, or for Levi’s hand hovering over her shoulder.

She never told him that she’s afraid of thunder… it must have been something he observed. And just like always he knew her like the back of his hand. Every fear, every desire and every thought.

It felt like time had frozen. They looked at each other, eyes filled with unspoken words and buried emotions.

One contemplating whether it was wrong of her heart to still beat for him, when she had long decided that she needed to forget him. And the other contemplating whether he was allowed to touch her anymore.

The silence was broken by thunder once again. The rain picked up, even stronger this time. Drenching the both of them whole in a matter of seconds.

But they stood still, lost in time and in the downpour of their emotions.

Mae heaved out a sigh as she pulled her eyes away from him.

She hated herself. She hated herself so much for being weak. For still feeling for a man who had hurt her so many times. Who’s thoughts still made her cry every night.

She turned to his hand that hovered over her shoulder, and forced a grimace on her face. And Levi withdrew his arm back, as his eyes fell back to the ground once again.

“Mae… “ His voice cracked and he took in a breath to compose himself. “Yesterday you told me that it’s a person’s will that’s the strongest… And you were right, because I can only break their bones and dislocate their shoulders, but they still have the choice to not surrender, even if they are in a… horrible condition.”

He looked up at her and a fire reflected in his eyes. “Your life is your own, and at the end you can do whatever with it. You can choose anything from the options in front of you, even if the options are shitty… And I have chosen for myself to stay here. Because I’m not leaving you to work all alone at night…That’s my will. Do whatever you want. I’m not going to let anyone harm you here… and I’m not going to leave.”

His resolve was evident in his voice and Mae’s lips quivered as she took in a shaky exhale.

Why was he here acting like the man she fell for, when all she wanted to do was forget him? Couldn’t he just continue being an asshole and make things easier for her?

Why was he here with his decision to stay, when all she wanted was for him to be gone from her life and her heart?

The rain pattered against her frame, and she was grateful, because it hid her tears so well.

But this was Levi we are talking about. The man who knows her as well as the back of his hand.

She turned around, wanting to be as far away from him as she could. But Levi’s hand was quick to grab on to her wrist. He didn’t want her to leave with a sullen expression like that.

He’s wanted her happy, he’s always wanted her happy.

Her head swiveled, and she looked back at him. Face blank and eyes cold.

“M-Mae, I’ll never hurt you,” his voice cracked.

A painful expression took over Mae’s face. ‘You've already hurt me Levi,’ it said. And Levi’s eyes widened as it told him exactly what she was thinking./ everything about the thought in her head.

“.... physically.” He muttered out, to save himself from the weight of his own actions.

His hand was still latched onto her wrist. It was cold and Levi’s body was always the first to lose its warmth when the weather dropped.

And he was sodden in the rainwater… he could catch a cold.

But Mae wasn’t supposed to care about him anymore.

So she shaked her hand out of his grasp. And walked back into the bar with heavy steps.

Levi has always been a violent man. This clearing itself stands a testament to it.

The first day she went to him, he tackled her to the ground. And the other day in the market, he beat someone up just because they were looking at him?

But there is more to it, Levi doesn't just beat up people for looking at him. If that was the case, then she would have been long dead by now.

Hange says Levi gets violent when he’s angry, annoyed or overwhelmed, sometimes even when he’s stressed. Or when he needs to prove a point.

In a way violence is how he expresses himself. He doesn’t crack under the pressure, he explodes loud enough that everyone feels his rage.

It has something to do with his past, Hange said. He has had it very harsh, they said.

And Mae can’t help but think how brutal Levi’s past must have been, if he believes in philosophies like ‘strength is all I need to survive’?

She lets out a defeated sigh, as another tear slips down her eye.

Why he did what he didn’t doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t matter.

The point is that Levi is a violent man, and she’s known that ever since the day she met him.

So why did her heart manage to discard the things she already knew about him? How did she be so blind in her love for him?

Levi never told her much about himself. Yeah, she knows about all his likes and dislikes, and all his small quirks. But she doesn’t know about his past, she doesn’t know about his parents. Heck, she doesn’t even know his surname.

And the irony is that she doesn’t know him well. But right now it feels like she doesn’t know herself as well.

She looks into the mirror and she doesn’t know the woman who blinks back at her.

Because the woman she thought she was, was cautious. Never a risk taker. Always walking meters away from any danger.

And even though she has always been quite sentimental, a part of her was always rational. Able to decipher the truth between all her emotions.

She knew that the evacuees would be abandoned one day. She knew that she wouldn’t be able to save her parents. Because the odds were against it. And it was the bitter truth that her heart learned to accept the first month after the announcement of the mission itself.

And no smart person offers food to a cat that bites back.

Then why is her heart so hell bent on playing with fire? Why is a part of her so adamant on understanding why Levi did things the way he did?

It's only now that she sees the way she’s latched on to him. The death of her loved ones left a void in her heart and Levi was the quick relief that took all her pain away. And she was so distracted by the rush of her heart that she hardly paid any attention to the void that weakened her from the inside.

He was something she relied on, instead of strengthening her own will. And it's been 4 months since the day he held her up by the collar, but imagining a life without him still feels hard.

It's cold, so cold. Her teeth clatter, and her body shivers. She crosses her arms and places her hands on her shoulders. Trying to warm her body by rubbing her palms.

But the sound of footsteps comes to her notice. They are silent and fast, like Levi’s. And she knows they are coming towards her because of the fallen leaves that they crush on their path.

The footsteps are coming closer but she is reluctant to turn around. For once she wants to be lost in her own world, without any reminder of reality. For once she wants to be left alone.

A coat falls onto her lap . It's the Survey Corps cloak. And the hands that keep it next to her are pale and calloused.

“You’ll catch a cold.” Levi’s voice is gentle. And she doesn’t need to cast a glance to know he’s wearing a thin white cotton shirt himself. Because she’s seen him throughout her entire shift plenty of times already.

Levi stays there for a moment, standing next to her, and staring at the river ahead.

He follows Mae back everyday. And he sees the house she’s now living in. It's despicable, just a single room, with a metal shed on top, in the poorest section of the city.

She’s working as a waitress. Living in a house, smaller than the dorms in the Headquarters.Working at a cheap clinic in the slums.

And all he wants to do is to beat that damned Ivan. He wants to steal all his money and get her settled in Sina. This isn’t the life he wanted for her. This isn’t the life that he distanced himself from her, for.

But he holds it all inside of him. She wants him out of her life and he doesn’t have the right to barge into her life anymore. Not when he himself kicked her out of his.

And he blames himself for the situation she’s in. He should have interrogated that fucking husband of hers personally, and he should have spoken to Mae as well.

He should have taken her thoughts into consideration, before assuming what's best for her.

And he’s so ashamed of himself, that he doesn’t even find the courage to look at her. He failed her, he hurt her. The one person who’s cared for him selflessly. The one person who’s been gentle with him.

But if he did take a chance and meet her eyes, then he would see the sadness trapped in her insides.

Mae shifts her position, so her back faces Levi and he doesn’t see her cry.

There goes her heart beating faster again at the gesture. And there goes Levi, toying with her feelings once again.

At this point she’ll never get over him.

And Levi grimaces, as Mae keeps his cloak on the spot next to her instead of wearing it. An exhausted sigh escapes his mouth, and then he turns around and walks back to the cedar tree.

But he lets the cloak be, on the rock, just beside Mae. Just in case it gets too cold and she changes her mind.

His footsteps fade away and Mae shudders as another tear escapes her eye.

Every time Levi comes to her, the same question surfaces in her mind.

What about her bandaging his hand out of sheer concern made him feel cornered and pushed him into a state of violence?

What about her just trying to be a good friend and looking out for him, got on his nerves?

Was she being too annoying back then? Did he need more space? And did she fail in giving him that?

Because it's so annoying now, when he follows her back to her house everyday. Yeah, his intentions are good and he’s just protecting her, but she doesn’t want him here. She wants to stay away from him.

And she can’t help but think that maybe Levi felt the same way back then as well.

Her father always told her that it's in the toughest times that teach you the most.

And the past months have been so painful, if nothing she wants to learn something from it. She wants to come out a better person.

Nothing in her control is in her life anymore. She’s making money but it's not enough. She has a job but its not stable enough. And the one thing she was sure of that she would do, was forgetting Levi.

And even that seems impossible now that he’s always in front of her.

But the hate she has for him, is a poison in her own heart. And she doesn’t remember the last time she truly felt happy

Her face turns into distaste every time she sees him. And it's sad that she still has so much power over her. Enough to ruin her mood at the mere sight of him.

It's only now that Mae realizes that ever since her parents died she only found happiness in Levi. And he became the source of all her joy.

And it's time she takes control of her happiness. It's time she learns to make herself happy.

Maybe they were never meant to be, but one thing's for sure. Levi’s care wasn’t a pretense. It wasn’t an act he put up just to earn her favor. And maybe Hange was right all along. Maybe he does like her.

But the moment is long gone, and things have forever changed.

No feelings can undo what happened between them.

And she’ll learn to forgive him, but she’ll not let him in her life until he gives her a valid explanation for his actions that day. Not until he proves to her that violence isn’t something he goes to whenever he gets angry. That his violence isn’t a beast that he can’t tame.

The unknown is unfolding.

She doesn’t know where she’s headed, she doesn’t know where she’ll be a few months from now. And she doesn’t know what’s going to happen between her and Levi.

But the stars are twinkling brightly above her, and it reminds her of the words she told Levi on that starry night.

“There will always be so many things that are out of my control, but I just want to keep doing all that I can. I want to stand tall amidst all the chaos and I want to make the most of the limited time I have…”

The things that are happening are out of her control again. And she is trying her best. Once again it's time to make peace with it. It's time to heal.

And she’ll learn to be patient with the heart that she’s hated for so long. And maybe she’ll stumble on the path, make a mistake and flop down. But she’ll get up.

She has to get up.

The water gushes below her, moving through every obstacle its way.

And just like the water, she’ll learn to persevere.

She’ll learn to let go, and be carefree. She’ll learn to be light and to not take everything so seriously.

And she’ll adapt to every situation and find happiness no matter what.

And just like the ebbing water, she’ll go where the wind takes her. She’ll change, she’ll learn and she will have the faith that good things are coming for her.

━━━━━━━━━━━━

OCT 846

The sound of clinking glasses echoes through the illuminated halls of Tipsy Titan Hours. And the once cramped bar, mellows down as the moon rises higher and higher.

Raz glances back, her head whirling and eyes lagging, as she scans across the empty seats and tables for the millionth time. And once again her eyes are quick to land on the quiet table in the corner. ”My vision is hazy, but I'm ssure he's still starin' at ya.”

"...It doesn’t matter anymore.” Mae hisses as the cool metal of the jug meets her sodden lips. The golden beverage promptly washes down her throat, and a burning sensation now covers its trail.

She slams her jug on the desk, and rolls her head back in contentment, "my head hurt-sh... but 'tis feels good, to just forget for some time."

Glasses clink, and in a matter of seconds they are empty as well. Raz pushes herself up again. Hands propping against the stale table as she gets up to bring another beer bottle.

It's around 12. Working hours are close to an end, and perched on the center table are the waitresses, wasted.

Today has been a hectic day. A celebration marking the one year anniversary of Tipsy Titan Hours. Free drinks were served to everyone, and the bar was jam-packed for hours.

But now that roaring crowd has finally dulled, and the workers are free to have whatever they want as well. After all, it's their hard work that has also contributed to the success.

And so, Mae has been spending the past hour drinking. It's not something she would have done a few months back. But she is changing, and what is life if you don’t open yourself to new experiences?

Levi sighs with distaste, as he looks at her empty another mug down. The table she sits on is filled with blotches of alcohol. Fuck that, the entire tavern is so damn dirty, usually it just stinks of booze but today it stinks of sweat as well. Because of all the people who have danced here in their drunken state today.

And instead of cleaning all the shit up, the waitresses lay wasted. Gulping bottle after bottle themselves. Every inch of Levi’s body is telling him to leave and it's taking every ounce of resolve left in him to stay put in place.

Tch, if he knew that his life would end up like this, then he wouldn’t leave the underground in the first place.

He takes his eyes off the musty tavern and looks at the window next to him. Staring at the streets of Jinae, which are empty and quaintly silent.

He just hopes that Mae knows what she’s doing, and she isn’t wasting her life away.

Thoughts of her fill his head again, and he turns his head to watch that silly, drunken lady who captures all his heart.

But he only pots Raz. Mae’s seat is empty and he doesn’t see her around the other tables as well.

Levi's face contorts into a frown as worry swells up in his heart, and in an instant he gets up and marches towards Raz. "Where is she?"

"Uhm... to my left." Raz speaks blankly, and she swivels her head to the left. Only to be met with an empty seat again. "To my right then.”

“Your drunk as fuck," Levi jabs as he turns around and wanders through the dimly lit interior.

And Mae’s name tumbles out of his lips as soon as he spots her through the partly open bathroom door.

She’s on the floor, body hunched over the toilet seat, as violent fits make her lurch forward and empty the contents of her stomach out.

In a breath, he’s beside her, holding her soiled hair back as he stares at her face, flushed and sticky with sweat.

The bathroom is the filthiest of them all, and the stench of the washroom and alcohol, makes his nose crinkle in utter distaste. But more than that, it's Mae.

She reeks. Of sweat, ale, and vomit. And a dark crease runs along Levi’s forehead as his eyes hover over her face. It's a pity to see her in a condition like this.

Her brows are pulled close, and numerous lines of tension are forged between them. And her eyes are shut tight as soft pants leave her smeared, red lips.

And as filthy as she looks, she also looks like she is in pain. And so, his free hand finds its way to her back, rubbing long strokes, in an attempt to soothe her.

Mae looks at him solemnly. And Levi doesn't miss the slight downturn of her lips and how instantaneously her hand grips the wall for support as she tries to stand up.

Only to fall into his grasp once again.

"You can't even hold yourself upright,” he comments.

She throws a wary look his way and tries to free herself from his clutches. But Levi holds her upper arm in an iron grip. ”Don’t act so reckless, you’ll fall to the ground and hurt yourself”

But obviously she doesn’t listen and continues to struggle to take her arm out of his. “Levi,” she squirms as her brows scrunch up in frustration.

And Levi freezes, eyes wide and lips parted in fright. Shit, did he mess up again, was that way too harsh? Did he hurt her… again?

In an instant, he takes his hand away from her and staggers back, caught off guard by the thought and the horrible feeling it brings along.

Mae wobbles away from him, out of the bathroom. Towards Raz, who has dozed off on the sodden table itself. And Levi watches her figure slowly fade away. Because these days, all that he can seem to do is to watch her slip away from him, again and again.

"RAAZ-" Mae extols, raising her arms up excitedly and shaking it side to side, with much vigor. But her loud call hardly seems to rouse the other waitress from slumber.

Her speed increases, and her heel lands on a wet patch on the floor. Her foot slips due to her hasty pace. And Mae doesn't know what surprises her more, her embarrassing fall or the hands that instantly catch her entire frame.

Levi is beside her again, one arm around her waist and one around her shoulder, as he helps her up. And he’s glad that the crowd has completely simmered down, and now it's just him, Mae, Raz and the cashier.

It will save Mae from all the embarrassment she’ll have to deal with tomorrow, when she comes back to her senses.

“Mae, let's go home.” Levi’s voice is soft and imploring.

But she ignores him and continues moving forward. Pace still as fast as before. And it's only his support that’s holding her upright and not letting her topple to the floor. “Mae, you’re going to hurt yourself this way… please… let me take you home,” he continues.

“Leviii,” she drones out, “do you have to be so damn stubborn and persistent all the time… I wanna have fun.” she pouts. And Levi sighs defeatedly as he helps her sit on the tall bar stool.

Raz is asleep right beside her, and Mae's entire attention shifts to her. She pokes and prods at her colleague. Whining like a little child, asking for her to wake up and have another shot with her.

And Levi looks at her softly.

“Raz is fast asleep, how about you sleep as well?” He says as he slides the beer bottles to his side of the table.

All he wants for now is to keep her away from alcohol. She’s vomited once, and if she keeps having alcohol after that then it will just lead to her stomach getting worse. And it might also lead to alcohol poisoning or blackouts.

“You know you come in my dreams sometimes… and how do I know I’m not already asleep and you aren’t dream’ Levi?” Mae’s words slur as slowly turns her head towards him.

Levi‘s posture stiffens and warmth gathers to his cheek. His perpetual shyness floods back to him, and it's been so long since he has felt this way. His lips quirk up a little, reminiscing such moments that would happen so often in the past. And at the fact that she dreams of him…

And well he thinks of her too. She’s stuck in his mind and seated in the chambers of his heart. Like a guest who’s way too comfortable. Who’s found his place and will never go back home.

And just like he can’t tear his heart away from her, he can’t take his eyes off her as well.

Every part of Mae’s face is tinted red. Her eyes are red, her cheeks are red. And Levi is so dazed by the situation that he can’t even make out whether the reducing distance between them is just a stupid imagining of his heart. Or whether Mae is actually so drunk that she is leaning forward… to kiss him or something.

Then he feels her breath graze the slant of his nose. And he freezes, eyes wide and any intake of breath, halted.

“I’m gonna be wild tonight,” she says as she looks into his eyes. Face extremely close to his and her hand reaching out towards the beer bottles that he has stacked at the other end.

"W-what?" Levi almost topples off his chair, his ears flushing red as inappropriate scenarios fill his head. And god bless his quick instincts and his fingers, that clutch on to the table and help him balance himself.

"I am gonna drink till 1, and then I'm gonna dance till 2, which is why I can't go home now… you need to understand." She pleads with seriousness as she drags a bottle from his side to hers. And the sound of glass screeching against the wood, brings Levi back to his senses.

“Oi,” he warns as he snatches the bottle away from her and shakes his head.

“But Levi… I want more.” She pouts and he sighs to himself. She’s going to be in a horrible state tomorrow morning. Probably regretting everything and down with a nasty headache.

But she’s made her decision, even though in a shitty state. And he has crossed his boundaries once, but he’s not going to do that again. He has no right to tell her how to live her life, when he himself kicked her out of his.

And so he’ll protect her from the sidelines, he won’t impose his choices on her anymore. Because that is what caused all the mess in the first place.

So Levi watches, as she ruins herself. And he’s beside her, filling her glass with water whenever she reaches out for some beer. And he’s beside her, holding her hair back whenever she’s in the bathroom, vomiting. Even when it hurts to see her like this.

It's a little against his judgment, but he isn’t going to stop her from doing what she wants. As long as she is safe, he’s fine with it. And as long as he’s here, he’ll let nothing happen to her.

And as much as he’d say she’s in a pitiful and defenseless position right now, she’s smiling. And it's been so long since he has seen her like this. So lively and untroubled.

And so he’s beside her, ready to catch her whenever she gets up to dance.

He scans the tavern once more, checking for any dangerous objects that Mae might hurt herself with. And his eyes land on the cashier, who’s busy watching the both of them, instead of reading the damned novel in her hand. A string of curses fly out of his mouth at her prying eyes and her callous attitude, and he flashes her a disdainful look.

But then his eyes land back on Mae and they soften once again. She’s prancing around the tavern, halting at a chair, or speaking to a flower vase placed in a corner. Like a child, so bright and carefree. And it's been so long since he has seen her like this. Without any worry or a tear rolling down her cheek.

He would see this side of hers so often. In the days when she would share without thinking about how much she’s receiving in return. And when she would put hours of effort just to make him some pie to appreciate the small wins of his life.

It was the part of her that loved selflessly, that cared limitlessly. Without taking into account the cruel realities of the world… and of people. And he hurt her… He hurt the inner child that she so courageously showed him.

And even though it's completely his fault, he’s tired of seeing her hurting.

She smiles at everyone, but it never meets her eyes. And even though no one else might be able to tell the difference, Levi can see the sadness brimming inside her.

Even now, her cover of sadness is only broken due to temporary the haze of the alcohol.

But he’s glad nevertheless. He’s glad she can have a single moment of rest and he can have a moment of reprieve as well.

Mae reaches to his usual table, and lifts the tote bag he always carries around up. And Levi throws her a thumbs up in return, indicating she can do whatever she wants with it.

And she takes a red book out of it. The same red one that made him realize his feelings for her. The Fable of the Fallen Apple.

She shuffles towards him, and takes a seat on the bar stool next to him. And then she starts reading the story to him, just like the good old times.

It reminds him of the days when she used to tutor him, except she’s holding the book in the opposite direction.

And he looks at her, chin resting on his palm and fingers drumming against his cheek. Eyes as soft as possible.

He decides he likes it. Even though her words are slurring and things just hardly make sense.

It's been so long since she has been like this with him. Having a normal conversation and not caring what anyone else thinks,

And very soon this will also fade. The contempt in her eyes will be back, and her voice will be quelled with sadness again. And he’ll go back to watching her walk away from him. Again and again.

And so he stays in the moment today. Savoring every word she says and every breath she takes, so it doesn’t hurt as much when she’s gone.

Half an hour passes by and the cashier finally says that it's time to close the tavern now. That working hours are close to an end, and it's time to wind up and clean the place.

Levi gets up as soon as hears the words. And makes his way towards her with some money in his hand.

“Sir you don’t have to pay today,” she responds politely as Levi extends the cash forwards towards her.

“This…,” he throws her a stern look but no one can deny the ever darkening hue on his cheek. It's prominent even in the dim light.”... Is too keep your mouth shut about all that was happening today.”

“… And,” Levi continues. “Make sure she reaches home safe, that redhead who is fast asleep right there.” He points towards Raz, who’s now snoring in her slumber.

Mae rests there as well. Almost mimicking Raz's position as she rests her head on the table. Utterly exhausted with all the prancing she has done in the past hour.

His face softens in an instant.

Today she’s not here. The cautious, caring woman whose father told her to only drink in a safe place, with safe people. And today he’ll be gentle and patient, the man that he failed to be for her.

He walks over to her, and dotingly his hand lands on her shoulder. "Mae, let's go home."

She shifts her head towards him, and the slits of her eyes lazily open for a split second as she glances at him. But she remains quiet and offers him no response.

“The store is closing… we need to go home now.”

But the request garners no response again.

"Mae, please, let me take you to your house."

"B-but… I don't wanna go home. I don’t like it there." She mutters out slowly and he grimaces as the words leave her mouth.

The sound of footsteps coming close feels louder in the silence that settles between Levi and Mae. And the tension in the air only reduces when the cashier steps in, and stands next to Raz.

And Mae tries to get up as well, as she sees Raz being woken up. But she’s had so much alcohol that she can’t even stand on her own feet.

And Levi sees only one solution to the problem.

“We’ll go to the headquarters okay… that works for you?” He speaks out a little softer. He may not have the right to pry into her life anymore and know all her problems. But he’s still here for her, and he’ll still help her whatever way he can.

She hums in agreement, and slowly they make their way out of the musty tavern.

The streets are quiet, the night is dark. The light from the street lamps brings out the texture of that cobblestone path. And Mae’s front is pressed to Levi’s back as he carries her back to the Survey Corps headquarters. Giving her a piggyback ride.

Her calves sway along with every step he takes, and her face is beside his, so close that he can feel her breath in and out. A gush of air hits their face, and he breathes in a sigh of relief.

Finally he’s out of that filthy tavern and fresh air touches his face again.

“This feels awfully familiar doesn’t it Levi.” Mae mutters, voice low and hoarse from all the drinking she’s done with Raz today.

And Levi reminisces a little as he thinks of the day when those thugs attacked him. She stayed with him, begging and yelling that she won’t leave when he was repeatedly telling her he’d be fine on his own.

It is a memory he will cherish forever. “It does, except this time you are stinking.”

Mae falls quiet at his words and then she exhales heavily. “I really despise you sometimes Levi. You play with my heart in the worst ways possible.”

He falls quiet at her statement, and his shoulders wilt a little. A question lingers in the back of his head. One that he has been wanting to ask her forever. Do you hate me?... Because sometimes I hate myself too.

But she beats him to it.

“But I still can’t bring myself to hate you… I don’t think I could ever hate you… You saved me and then you hurt me. But you were you all along. It was me, who’s perception was distorted. It was me who clung to you because I thought I couldn’t do without you. I had low self esteem, I was lonely. And so I was the reason for all my heartache…” She pauses, and then her voice comes out much more sadder. ”I know I messed up and I should learn to find happiness all alone. I should have been more careful, less naive but it just hurts sometimes you know. …I’m never the first choice. Be it with Mr. Mendes, be it with you. I give all that I have in all my relationships. And every time someone else turns out to be more valuable than me…”

She lets out a sigh as she rests her chin on his clavicle and mutters,” I miss my parents so much. My friends as well. I don’t even know why I bothered staying. I should have just worn an olive cloak and offered myself to a titan.’ A sardonic laugh escapes her mouth.

And Levi frowns at the miserable joke. "Shut it, it's not funny. Don’t joke about dying to the titans.”

“I know I shouldn’t…” her voice cracks and somehow it turns more melancholic. “ But it’s so lonely without them, my family, my friends… Everything feels worthless.”

What she is saying right now, is what she feels in the depths of her heart. Things she knows she might be wrong for feeling. And thoughts she knows, that will get her nowhere.

These are the thoughts she doesn’t want to settle with, and the thoughts she’s always fighting against. These are things that she’s admitting in her drunken state.

And Levi wants to cower and hide. He’s never been good at consoling and shit, and he wants to act like she never said all these things. He wants to continue staying invulnerable and never get his feelings out.

But he also knows these feelings all too well. These feelings of loneliness. And he doesn’t want her to suffer all alone with them, just like he does.

“Also I am heartbroken but I’m not dumb. I’m only telling you all this because you are ‘dream’ Levi, and just my imagination…The actual Levi will never touch me in a state like this… I am absolutely filthy.” She starts rambling, and in all her chatter, Levi tries to compose himself.

And he can feel the heat gathering to his cheeks as he tries to force some words out. “L-listen M-Mae.”

It's hard. It doesn’t suit him and he's so unused to speaking out loud about his feelings. But he’s not going to let her feel miserable forever. He’s not going to succumb to his inner demons.

And he is going to comfort her with all the softness that remains in his heart. “You are not all a-alone… y-you might not consider it, b-but I am–.” He pauses again, to collect his thoughts, and calm himself.

The air is heavy. And Levi is fumbling and stuttering with the way he is expressing himself. And much to his relief the moment is broken by sudden taps on his shoulder.

.“Levi, something’s coming up… I can feel it.” Mae speaks with urgency.

And he almost freezes for a second. All thoughts of Mae and her loneliness simmer away, and for the first time in many years, Levi panics.

“NO NO NO,” He gets frantic, eyes wide as he scans every nook and corner. Then he spots a tree, at least 50 meters away and he darts towards it. “You need to control it, hold it in. HOLD IT IN.”

“Levi h-hurry,” her voice is strained, and Levi tries to move as fast as possible, also making sure that his speed doesn’t further dislodge the contents in stomach.

The air feels heavy again, but this is a different kind of heavy. Filled with a different kind of suspense.

The tree is just a few meters away, but alas Levi is too late.

“Le-” an ungraceful, hideous sound pierces through the air. Right out of Mae’s mouth into his ear “-vi.”

And Levi halts in his tracks, eyes wide and eyebrows raised up, taking a moment to process what just happened.

And it’s only after a minute that he comes back to his senses and sneers, “you just BURPED, in my ear.”

Nevertheless, he’s very glad it's just a burp and not vomit.

Mae is still for a moment, and then she slouches again, chest pressing fully against his back as her chin goes back to resting on his collarbone. “‘M sorry… but Hange says why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it.”

Laughter ripples past his lips. This time it isn't a stifled chuckle or a subtle giggle. But a loud obnoxious cackle. ”You and Hange… “ he speaks in between breaths. “You and Hange will be the death of me.”

And Mae smiles at his words as well. Because Hange is amazing and iconic.

Shops and houses pass by, as Levi resumes walking at his regular pace, and Mae’s eyes remain wide awake. Staring at all the stores, almost searching for something.

And then her eyes light up, when she spots a shop all too familiar. Decorated with creepers and veils climbing along its white walls. “Is the bakery open? Can we go inside it.”

“It's 1 in the morning, obviously they’ll keep it open for you.” Levi retorts with blatant sarcasm.

And she huffs against the crook of his neck in response. “I’ve not had a pastry in so long,” she drones out, and Levi frowns at her words. He vividly remembers how often she would have a pastry. Almost one every week because she's always been a firm believer of celebrating the small moments. And celebrating life in itself without any reason or accomplishment.

But he decides not to dwell on the topic any further, because it might make her upset.

“All that energy is finally depleting hmm? It’ll make you easier to handle… What’s got you so energetic today, anyways?” He asks, as he changes the subject.

“I’m happy! I had a lot of fun with Raz today.” Her voice lights up and even though Levi can’t see her face because of the position they are in. He knows that she is smiling with how sweet her voice sounds.

He smiles a little at that as well.

The rest of the journey passes by in silence. Mae closes her eyes and rests against Levi’s frame, and Levi listens to the thump of her heart against his chest . She’s so close to him, and she still stinks. But he’s glad nevertheless, He’s glad she had fun, and he’s glad he's getting to spend some time with her in so long.

In a way, all of this is wrong. She’s married and if she wasn't drunk she wouldn't let him touch her like that. But it's all going to fade away anyways. It will be ripped away from him just like everything is, and so he’ll stay while everything lasts, even if it's just for a day.

The headquarters come into sight. Time is running out, and a part of him doesn’t want to put her down. He wants to relish in her warmth that he's experiencing after so long.

But she needs rest, and she needs to sleep on a proper bed. So he enters the dim hallways and makes his way to his quarters.

His quarters are covered in darkness, with not a single candle flame flickering. But Levi knows this place as well as the back of his hand.

He places Mae on the couch, and quickly makes his way around to light a few candles.

And if Mae was in her senses she would have noticed that his room isn’t as clean as it used to be. The tea bags are hastily left on the kitchen counter, the bedsheet isn’t creaseless anymore. And what adds to it, is the stacks of paperwork piled both on his desk and even inside a few shelves.

But the alcohol rests heavy in her system, and her eyelids are shut close in exhaustion. She sighs in relief, finally a soft, comfortable surface to rest upon.

Much to her dismay, she is woken up by the sudden cool feeling that touches her skin. Her eyes open partially and Levi stands in front of her with a wet towel in his hands. “Levi let me sleep, what are you doing?” She calls out in frustration.

“It's not good to sleep with so much product on, not good for your skin… And your dress is stained everywhere, you are not sleeping on my bed with that on.”

But Mae feels so drowsy that she hardly listens to him. Her eyes close midway, heavy with sleep and she sits still on the couch, completely unbothered with whatever Levi is doing.

And Levi stands in front of her, dipping down from his back, as he scans her face. And cupping her jaw as he holds her face straight.

If only she’d open her eyes, she would see how close he is. She would see the red on his cheeks. And if only she wasn’t this sleepy, she would have felt how clammy his hands are, due to nervousness.

He takes in a deep breath and his hands quiver as he roves the towel over her eyelids. With all the gentleness that he can garner in his hardened fingertips. And as the makeup comes off from her skin, he sees the dark circles that now encircle her eyes, and skin that looks so dull and lifeless, filled with acne

And his silver eyes flock with concern as he stares at her a little longer.

She looks battered, like a worn out soldier who’s been strong for too long.

And she’s here, because she didn’t want to go home. She doesn’t like it there. The thought itself fills Levi’s mind with rage and fear.

And all that he knows for sure is that he is going to beat the shit out of her piece of a shit husband.

"Is your husband treating you like shit?" he asks, with his voice drawn taut and jaw clenched.

"What husband?" she mumbles incoherently.

And Levi sighs, as he looks at her and her passed out state. He gets up defeated, and picks the comb he brought along as well. And then he moves behind the couch and positions himself behind Mae’s seated figure. “Straighten up, I’ll comb your hair.”

She gives in thoughtlessly, and it's only when Levi sees the clumps of hair that fall out of her head, does he notice how thin her hair has gotten.

He realizes he hasn't seen her properly in months, and now he sees her on the verge of breaking.

He gets visibly sadder at the thought, and in a mere attempt to distract himself he gets up and stands in front of her again. Wrapping both of his hands around her upper arms as he says, “come I-I’ll help y-you g-get changed.”

Mae’s sleepy eyes open wide at that, and a new found energy grips her voice. “NO, thank you mister, I can change by myself.”

“You can’t even stand.” Levi mutters, as he gets her up to her feet, hands still clutching on to her so that she doesn’t drop to the floor.

“As far as my brain tells me,” she says, tapping her index finger to her temple, “standing and changing clothes are two completely different things.”

And Levi looks at her incredulously, almost taken aback by her stupidity. “Tch, you are so drunk,” he grumbles.

And Mae gets quiet for a moment, before she says. "I'm not drunk, I'm beautiful."

Levi looks up at her as she says those words. Her skin is now clean and fresh, ridden of the smudged makeup that once dawned on her face. And the ponytail she wears, gives him a full view of her tired eyes that burn with boldness and conviction.

Indeed very beautiful.

"My face is not disgusting," she continues, as her eyes bore into his. But Levi doesn’t miss the slight tremor of her lips.

His face falls and his heart sinks into a pit of disgrace.

Those were the words he'd told her, weren't they?

All of a sudden he’s reminded of who he is, and what he’s done. And it's only now that he understands how he has hurt her. With every look and every word.

His throat runs dry and he finds himself unable to speak a word, without disintegrating.

The silence becomes agonizing. And Levi backs away, as he realizes that if he looks at her any longer, then he will break. Into bits and pieces. Because more than her husband, he’s a reason for the condition she’s in as well.

He takes slow steps backwards, unable to take his eyes off the floor and meet hers.

He needs a distraction. He needs to think about something else. And so he darts towards his bedroom, and finds his way to his cupboard. Opening it and absent mindedly pulling out a shirt and a trouser.

And when he stands in front of Mae, he’s back to being aloof. It has always been like this, a moment of defenselessness until he shrouds behind his mask of nonchalance.

"Go change," he places the clothes in her hands and struts away. Giving in to her demands even though she’s probably going to trip and fall. But also, a little too scared to displease her any more than he’s already done.

"Levi, wait," Mae’s hand latches onto his wrist. "I don’t want this…want the gray one… The v neck, it is my faaavourite on you.”

His face softens at the words and that’s all it takes for his mask of indifference to fade, once again.

There's a child in her, and he hopes she can always keep it alive. He hopes it doesn’t wither away in the cruelty of life, like the child in him did.

His cheeks turn pink again as he glances at the shirt she is holding out, because she wants his gray one. And he makes a mental note to buy more in the same color.

As quick as ever, he gives in to her request, and hands her the gray shirt she demands.

At that her eyes squint and she flashes him the same smile that always takes his breath away. The same smile that makes him feel like he’s the reason behind all her joys. His cheeks turn pinker at the thought.

No one’s ever smiled at him the way she does. No one has looked at him with such warmth and affection. And he’s glad that he can see her smile like this one last time.

A part of him doesn’t want to leave. A part of him doesn’t want to go away so that she can change her clothes. A part of him doesn’t want to be apart from her a single second more.

But he’s wronged her a little too much, to still be around her. A little too much to still crave her company.

And so he walks her to his room, lights a candle there as well and ambles away. Because even though his heart gravitates towards Mae, he isn’t a man capable of love.

The office seems silent now that she is cooped up in his room. And Levi lets out a heavy exhale as he walks towards the small kitchenette placed at the adjacent wall.

He brews himself a cup of tea, and takes a seat on his desk. Eyes glazing over the stack of paperwork piled in front of him. Somehow, the familiarity of it all calms his nerves and he takes a sheet out and starts with his paperwork.

And he waits, for the sound of Mae collapsing to the floor, or the gate opening and her wobbly figure leaning on to the doorframe.

He waits, and he waits but she doesn’t come out.

And drunks are so annoying, he prays that he never has to deal with them again.

Time ticks out, curiosity gets the best of him, and he walks to his room.

And when he opens the door, he’s met with the sight of her resting on his bed and the faint sound of her snores.

The candlelight kept on his side table casts dancing shadows across her sleeping figure. Her mouth is slightly parted, and her hair is strewn messily on the pillow. And Levi can’t help but hold a breath in as he stares at the way she looks so relaxed and peaceful;..

Then he pushes her towards the center of the bed, lest she fall and crack her head open. He tucks her in a blanket and places two pillows at her side just for protection. And finally he blows the candle off.

And as he looks back at her, he doesn’t know why he has the sudden desire to touch her.

His motion stutters, and his fingers tremor as they reach towards her head.

His mother would often pat his head when he had difficulty sleeping, but Mae is already asleep. So why does he have the sudden, irrational desire to caress her head?

And Levi doesn’t know indulgence.

But he knows that the sun will rise tomorrow, and he will be blackened by his own regrets. Unable to face her because now he knows that he has probably left her, even unsafer, in an unhappy marriage. Now he knows how much he has hurt her. And now he knows how miserable she really is.

It feels like their last night together. Because tomorrow she'll be gone, back to ignoring him. And he’ll go back to the miserable person who mourns the loss of that love that he himself destroyed. With his own two hands.

Levi doesn’t know indulgence, because everything he cherishes always ends up getting torn apart from him.

But he has lost her already. She has been ripped away already.

And so he rests his hand on her head. And so he roves his palm over her head. Looking at her dotingly, caressing her gently. His heart beats wildly, and for once he lets it win over

She looks peaceful now that she is asleep. Far different from the exhausted face she sports all the time in that filthy bar. And he drinks all of her details in for one last time.

He wants to look at her more, the desire only seems to deepen the more he stares at her face. He wants to be next to her the entire night.

And so Levi shifts his desk into the cramped space of his bedroom. As quietly as possible. And he lights up a candle as he sits down to do his paperwork. Right next to her sleeping figure.

Author's Note:

Okay! So with this we are done with half of the chapters for this fic.

This chapter is kinda bittersweet, I don't know how happy I am with this chapter honestly, because it has gotten too long and it might have some cringe moments, but I just wanted to show how close Mae and Levi are and what there bond was once like.

Also in the first scene, Mae has a realization that she needs to start working towards and in the 2nd scene, a month later she still hasn't been able to implement it completely yet. Its like you know you should love yourself, but you still find it hard to.

And that realization will come to her, but LATER on, not in the recent chapters for sure.

Also the line 'why fart and waste it, when you can burp and taste it' is not something my brain has come up with, i don't have that kind of genius-ness lol🤡. Its taken from a bollywood movie Queen, which I definitely recommend, because its a pretty good watch.

Another thing I want to mention is that its highly likely I'll take a few weeks off again, after I finish this arc, because I don't have enough content written to keep up with my writing schedule. And I don't want to write fast and compromise on the quality of the chapters, because I really want to give my best shot with this fic, and it takes me time to come up with good metaphors and ideas that I can put into the scenes. I'll completely address this situation next week.

Thank you reading! I hope you liked it. As always I appreciate any comments, questions and criticism as well. See you next Sunday

Taglist: @keijikunn @evas-leslas @leviackermanmyhero245

30 notes · View notes

svtwritess · 4 years

Text

finally- hjs

⇨ word count: 7.9k

⇨ genres: fluff, smut, some angst

⇨ pairing: joshua x female reader (though there’s no feminine pronouns or nicknames used!)

⇨ friends to lovers au

⇨ warnings: mentions of food, swearing, sexual content (oral, hickeys, light biting but not really idk), unprotected sex (please use protection kids please❤️)

You waited in your car in front of the office building you worked at, anticipating the arrival of your best friend who you always walked into work with. You and Joshua used to have the exact same title. You worked on the same floor, ate lunch at the same time, and even sat at the same desk. For six months, you spent nearly every working moment together, often goofing around and chatting even when you should be working. Your boss never suspected the two of you, though, as you still got all of your work done properly and on time.

However, a couple of weeks ago, you got promoted. You used to work on the second floor with Joshua, but your promotion forced you to move up to the sixth floor. You had your own office, which was good because you wouldn’t want to share a desk with anyone else in that building, but the worst part was that your lunch time got moved to an hour later than it was before. So, simply put, you rarely ever saw Joshua at work anymore and it upset the both of you greatly. You both accepted it, though, as Joshua and yourself knew that it was for the betterment of your career (and your salary).

You felt your heart jump when you saw Joshua’s sleek black car pull into the parking lot. He had been saving his money and finally splurged on a new one when his 2008 clunker finally broke down on him. You were happy for him and needless to say, he looked super sexy driving it.

You got out of your car, shut the door and locked it before heading over to where Joshua had parked just a few spots over from you.

Your heels clicked as Joshua got out of his car as well. His platinum hair was parted down the center and it was fluffy, framing his face perfectly. He wore a white, long sleeve button up, black slacks accompanied by a belt, black loafers and a nice watch that looked to be way nicer than he could afford. You swallowed, loving yet hating how amazing he looked in work clothes.

“Good morning!” he exclaimed happily, a small smile making its way onto his face upon seeing you. “Ready for another grueling day of doing something that contributes almost nothing to society for a less than satisfactory paycheck?” he asked, hugging you from the side. You laughed as you hugged him back and began walking toward the building.

“Sadly yes, I’m numb to it at this point.”

“Yeah, me too.” he chuckled as the automatic doors to the building opened for the pair of you.

You headed for the elevator and Joshua pressed the “up” button. You were already dreading saying goodbye for the day, as the ride to the second floor took less than 30 seconds.

“Are you sure you can’t take an early lunch or something? I miss you.” he said casually as you stepped into the elevator. You tried not to smile too widely at his words, knowing he meant them in a purely platonic way.

“As I’m pretty new to the position, I don’t think I should be too pushy about my schedule just yet. But trust me, I wish I could.” you pushed the “2” button followed by the “6” button and waited for the doors to close.

“Yeah, I know. Guess I’ll just keep eating with Mia,” he replied and you nearly cringed at the thought of him eating with her; she just so happened to be extremely pretty. “She’s nice, just doesn’t say much.” he shrugged and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. You were just happy she wasn’t flirting with him or anything like that.

The doors opened and you frowned as Joshua stepped out and turned to face you.

“So long,” he said dramatically as he sent you a theatrical, yet relatively sarcastic, look as the doors closed.

“Bye Joshua.” you laughed as the elevator closed and blocked him from view, your lonely ascent to the 6th floor beginning. Once you arrived, you trudged to your office and attempted to mentally prepare for another long day without Joshua.

Okay, so you had a gigantic crush on him if it wasn’t obvious, but how could you not? Working with the sweetest, funniest, most reliable, humble, and attractive guy you’d ever met almost everyday for 6 months was bound to have an affect on you. You never told him, though. You knew that he was out of your league, and that being said, you also didn’t want to risk ruining your friendship, and thus, you kept your feelings to yourself.

Your day was full of meetings and your boss grilling you about if you had done the things on her extraordinarily long to-do list. You told her that you had done most of it and would try to get everything done by the end of the day. She was less than excited about the fact that you used the word “try”, but simply stressed you that you get it done before finally leaving you alone.

She left at 4, an hour before you were supposed to, and you were happily able to tell her that you were almost done with the tasks she had given you. She gave you a smile, which was pretty impressive for her, and you continued working.

You were typing away on your computer, and had been for the better part of an hour without realizing it, when there was a knock at your door. You looked up and saw Joshua entering your office, the butterflies in your stomach beginning to swarm.

“Hey?” you questioned. He normally never came up to your office.

“It’s almost 5:20 and you didn’t meet me downstairs, so I figured I should check up on you.”

“Oh, is it? I didn’t even notice.” you sighed and leaned back in your chair.

“Busy day?” he asked as he walked into your office, placing one his thigh on top of your desk and leaning on it with his arm.

“Like you wouldn’t believe,” you groaned, “but with great power comes great responsibility.” he smiled down at you sweetly, wishing he could take some of your workload from you.

“Well how about you relinquish your power for today,” he turned off your monitor, “and let me walk you to your car?” you smiled back at him and nodded. Your work was saved automatically, so you shut down your computer and gathered your things before standing up and leaving your office, your best friend in tow.

“Any plans tonight?” he asked as you made your way to the elevator.

“Just a warm shower, very comfortable pajamas, and maybe some Netflix. What about you?” you answered honestly as you pressed the “down” button, the door opening immediately.

“I think the guys wanna come over and play video games or something. You should come over too, we’re getting pizza, and you love pizza.” he said matter-of-factly, but you just laughed as you both stepped inside.

“That’s very true, but I can get my own. Enjoy the guy's time though, you deserve it.” you patted Joshua’s shoulder before pressing the “1” button and watching the doors close. The elevator ride and walk to your car was comfortably silent. You reached your less than impressive vehicle and stopped, turning to face Joshua. Before you could speak, he asked you a question.

“Hey… why do you always say no when I ask you to hang out?” he said shyly, playing with the end of one of his shirt sleeves.

“It’s the reason that I always give you,” you shrugged. “I know you have friends other than me, so I want you to have fun with them without me intruding.”

“Well yeah, I get that, but now that we don’t work together anymore...” Joshua reached up to grab your waist and pull you closer, but he stopped himself before you could notice. “Look, I’m just saying, we would all love it if you joined us sometime, so think about it okay?” he asked kindly and you nodded.

“I will. Promise.” you nodded. “But for now, there is a steaming hot cup of tea and a reclining couch in my future.”

“Next time then,” he said rather dejectedly. “I’ll call you later, okay?” You nodded as you got in your car and bid each other goodbye.

As you drove away, you wondered when you would finally take Joshua up on his offer. Maybe subconsciously you thought that meeting Joshua’s other friends or going to his apartment would make things between the two of you more serious. You thought maybe something would happen that would set your feelings for him in stone.

You were hesitant to say it was love, though, as even when you worked together you didn’t see each other outside of work much. It was probably because you were together for 40 hours a week anyway. You’d only ever gone to a bar or a restaurant after work 5 or 6 times, and you always thought that that was enough. If you thought there was even a slight chance that he would return your feelings for him, then you’d have no problem with things between you changing, but you knew he didn’t, and even if he did, you were too scared of confessing to him to find out. You had never been in love before, but what you felt for Joshua was certainly the closest you had ever come to it.

You parked in your assigned spot and turned your car off before heading up to your apartment. Though your thoughts had depressed you slightly, you got excited when you remembered Joshua would be calling you later.

When you got your promotion, you started calling Joshua at night and you told him that it was to talk about how each other’s days went, and it kind of was, but you mostly just wanted to hear his voice. Admittedly, it was one of your favorite things about him. Not only did he have incredible biceps, wide-set shoulders, an amazingly slender waist, pecks that were easily big enough for a bra, an exquisite complexion, and plush, pillow-like lips that his smooth, honey voice dripped off of.

Your thoughts of Joshua put you in such a daze that you were barely aware of the fact that you were already in your bathroom preparing to take a shower. You took off your clothes and turned the water on high heat before stepping in.

Hands. You had forgotten Joshua’s hands. His palms were large and his fingers the perfect length for.... sexual things you often thought about. You wondered how much better you shower would’ve been if only he was with you…

You tried to shake the thoughts out of your head as you washed yourself as quickly as you could, longing to put on your coziest pajamas and vege on your couch.

You hopped out of the shower, dried off and padded into your room. You hung your towel on the corner of your door and threw on your favorite shirt and pajama pants. You ran a comb through your hair and completed the steps of your skincare routine, happy that it was finally time to do absolutely nothing.

You boiled some water and made a cup of tea to calm you down for the night and put on an episode of the show you had recently started binging. You often wished you had the courage to invite Joshua over to simply do nothing with you, as it was one of your favorite hobbies, but you were afraid of what you might do or say in the comfort of your own home, and were even more afraid of getting rejected.

As you sipped your tea, you felt your eyes begin to grow heavy. Though each time they closed for too long, you shook yourself awake, as you realized your phone hadn’t rang yet.

When the episode ended, you made the decision to head into your room. After putting your mug in your sink and turning everything off, you climbed into bed. It was already 11:00pm, so you hoped Joshua would be calling soon. You played games on your phone to pass the time, until finally, a familiar ringtone filled your ears.

“Hi.” you answered the call almost too excitedly.

“Well hi there,” you could hear the smile in his voice.

“Did you have a good night?” you asked, also smiling on instinct.

“I did, the guys got too loud though, so had to end the party early.”

“Was it Vernon or the one who thinks he’s a tiger? Those are the only two I know.” you asked and he laughed out loud; you could just see the cute eye smile he had when he laughed really hard.

“It was the tiger, actually. Good job. How was your night?”

“Oh, you know, did exactly what I said I was gonna do. It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be, though.” you played with the blanket that rested across your legs, remembering how you’d wished he was with you.

“Really? Why not?” he asked and you could hear the ruffling of bed sheets from his end of the call. You went back and forth between saying what you wanted to say and covering up your true emotions like you normally do, but you decided to reply with something in the middle of the two.

“I don’t know… I guess I kinda wish I had taken you up on your offer to come over, but I definitely wouldn’t wanna play video games.” you said and he chuckled, but for once there wasn’t a trace of a smile on your face. You were nervous, as every time Joshua invited you over you wished you had said yes, this was just the first time you were admitting it to him.

“Yeah, that doesn’t seem like you,” there was a long pause, “What… would you wanna do?” he asked ever so quietly, to the point that you almost couldn’t hear his voice. The question would normally sound innocent if you hadn’t been thinking about showering with him an hour or two prior, and something in his voice sounded sensual, like he was tempting you, trying to get you to confess something. Could he have been thinking the same things as you?

“I-I don’t know, watch a movie or something,” you said as casually as you could, though you were sure the shake in your voice gave you away. Dammit, you thought. Why am I so stupid?

“Oh,” Joshua let out an awkward cough, “Yeah, that would be cool.”

You both just sat there in silence, in a very awkward silence. That never really happened to the two of you, one of you almost always had something to say and you hated the intensity of the current situation.

“I’m really tired, so I think I’m gonna go to sleep.” you told him, not sounding nearly as chipper as you did when you answered the phone.

“Yeah… yeah you should do that. It’s really late.” he said and you could hear him pull the chain of what you assumed was a lamp before settling further into his bed.

“Goodnight Josh.” you said sweetly, but hung up the call before you could hear his response.

You, too, turned off the light that sat on your bedside table and curled up underneath your comforter. Tossing and turning, you tried to rid your mind of every dirty, sexual thought you’d had about your best friend that night. You don’t know what changed, but you were acting the complete opposite of how you usually forced yourself to act. You made an effort to never think about him provocatively, yet there you were, sexy Joshua thoughts galore, and you were beyond angry with yourself. You basically prayed that things would be normal between the two of you the next day.

Meanwhile, unbeknownst to you, you were all Joshua could think about. The entire night, he’d wondered what it would have been like if you had accepted his offer and come over. How fun it would be to play video games with you, only letting you win when you were obviously frustrated. How happy it would make him to see you getting along with his 12 other best friends (he knew they would love you). How funny he would think it was when you bragged about the fact that you were able to eat more pizza slices than him, and how excited he would be sneaking you into his room, away from all the others, teasing you until you either begged him to fuck you senseless or pleaded for him to wait until everyone left.

As much as his mind told him not to, he knew his body wouldn’t listen as his hand slid down his body until he reached his member that was already halfway hard at the mere thought of you. His mind ran wild thinking of how pretty your moans would sound, how painfully sexy you would look with your mouth around his member or your head thrown back into the pillows, and how beautiful you would look when it was all over.

You were a complete wreck. You had woken up late, seemingly taken way longer than usual to get ready, and you spilt the coffee you had brought from home all over your blouse when you pressed the brakes too hard at a red light. Thankfully you kept an extra shirt in your office, but that didn’t change the fact that you were frazzled beyond belief.

You somehow managed to make it to work close to on time, but you didn’t bother to wait for Joshua. You had to get up to your office and change your shirt before the now cold coffee seeped through to your skin any further.

Though, Joshua on the other hand, was patiently waiting in his car for you to arrive, and when he saw you walking at a fast pace, in a frustrated fashion with no sign that you would be waiting for him, he let out a defeated sigh and turned off his car. Was it his fault you were frustrated? Were you still upset at how awkward things had gotten last night? Did you somehow know about his wank session that involved endless imagery of you? He surely hoped it was none of those things, especially the last one, as he made his way up to his desk.

You changed into your spare shirt in the corner of your office as fast as you could, partially because you needed to start working as soon as possible and partially so that no one would see you. The shirt was white and much tighter than you remembered it being, almost to the point that it was uncomfortable, but you didn’t have time to have an issue with it.

Low and behold, as soon as you sat down and turned your computer on, your boss entered your office.

“Good morning, Y/N. Happy Friday.” she said professionally.

“Happy Friday to you as well.” you replied, trying not to sound as out of breath as you were.

“I have a big meeting on Monday in Chicago. I’ll be leaving on Sunday and unless you want to come in on a Saturday, I highly suggest you finish all of this today.” she said as she handed you a sheet of paper. It was a list that started at the very top of the page and went all the way down to the bottom.

“M-ma’am, I know you need all of this done, but it’s quite a lot… I’m sure there’s someone else in the office that can take on some of these tasks and help get them done much faster than I could on my own.” you said as kindly as possible, though inside you were both boiling with rage and baffled by how much she was asking of you.

“Now Y/N…” she stepped closer to your desk and raised her eyebrow, “I promoted you for a reason. Don’t make me regret it.” and before you knew it, she was turning on her heel and walking out the door.

As badly as you wanted to bury your face in your hands and cry from stress, you knew you didn’t have time for that. You went through the list and picked out the shortest tasks to do first and numbered those with a “1”, then you found all of the tasks that were on the computer and labeled those with a “2”, and finally you marked the longer tasks, such as going different places within the building and sorting through files, with a “3”. You felt much more confident after that.

You worked quickly yet diligently up until lunch time, but you weren’t even done with the shortest tasks yet. As you scarfed down your lunch, you decided you would do the 3 tasks next instead of the 2’s. You figured you would be stuck at work for an extra hour or two, so you would rather walk around the building while it was still populated.

You grabbed the files you needed and went up to the 8th floor, the top floor where your boss and other executives worked, and got a few signatures. Then, you went down to the 4th and 3rd floors to collect some forms that you needed to fill out and to get information on the meeting your boss was going to. Then you, rather begrudgingly, went down to the 2nd floor where the industrial copier was. There were a few papers that your boss needed 200 copies each of, and the tiny printer in your office wasn’t by any means capable of that.

On the elevator ride down, you tried thinking if there was a route you could take to avoid seeing Joshua at his desk, but you couldn't come up with one. Normally, you’d be ecstatic that you were able to go to his floor and would spend as much time as you could at his desk without getting caught, but you weren’t really sure if he wanted to see you after last night’s awkwardness, and frankly, you didn’t know if you wanted to see him either.

When the elevator reached the 2nd floor, you stepped out and quickly walked to the room where the copier was with your head down. You walked by Joshua’s desk, but thankfully you didn’t think he noticed you.

Once you reached the copier, you took out the 4 papers you needed and began scanning them for copies. You waited, and waited, your foot tapping impatiently, and when the machine began printing copies of the 4th paper, there was a light knock at the door.

“Y/N?” Joshua’s sweet voice called out and you squeezed your eyes shut in defeat.

“Hey,” you replied quietly, though you stayed with your body turned toward the copier.

“How are you?” he asked kindly, slowly making his way over to you.

“Bad,” you chuckled at the unbelievability of it all, “What about you?”

“Um, fine I guess. I missed you this morning…” he said and your brows furrowed.

“You were still in your car when I got here? I was almost late.” you told him, surprise evident in your voice and your eyes wide as you finally looked at him. He was wearing a white button up identical to the one from yesterday, but his pants were khaki instead of black like usual. His hair was styled off of his forehead and it wasn’t helping the state you were in at all.

“Yeah, well I like you being the first person I see everyday. Makes the thought of going to work a little easier.” he shrugged and you felt like you could cry. How was he so fucking sweet?

“Thanks Josh, I just had a rough morning. I’ll do better next week, but right now I’ve gotta get these papers upstairs.” you said as you bent down to grab the gigantic stack of papers the copier had produced and held them tightly to your chest once you picked them up. You gave him a shy smile and, finally, went back to your office.

You nearly threw the papers onto your desk and separated them, putting the pieces of paper in stacks with papers alike. You then sat down and began your computer tasks, though once you saw the time on your computer, a heavy weight fell on your shoulders. You only had half an hour of work left, and there was no way you were going to be able to finish everything in that time. Though, again, you shook it off and began working.

You typed for the remainder of the work day, feeling as if your fingers were about to fall off. You had absolutely no concept of time at that point. Had it been 1 minute or 1 hour? You didn’t know, and before you knew it, you heard a tapping sound coming from the front of your office.

“Y/N, come on. I walked alone this morning and I’m not about to walk alone now.”

You buried your face in your hands and let out a very frustrated groan.

“I can’t leave!” you nearly yelled. “My boss gave me this stupid long to-do this morning and unless I wanna come in tomorrow, which I so don’t, I have to finish everything tonight, but it seems like the more I do the longer this list gets and- God this sucks.” you were on the verge of tears, your elbows on your desk and your hands in your hair. You looked down and closed your eyes, not wanting tears to fall in front of Joshua; he’d never seen you cry before.

The room was silent for a moment, then you heard footsteps.

“Hey,” Joshua said, squatting down in front of your desk. He moved your hands off of your head and placed your arms on your desk. Red-eyed and reluctantly, you looked at him. “I’m gonna help you, okay? You’ll get everything done tonight and you’ll get to sleep in tomorrow, I promise.” he smiled a toothless, genuine smile. “Let me go get my laptop, alright?”

On a normal day, you would insist that he should go home, that it was a Friday night and that you knew he had plans and that he should go enjoy them, but you hadn’t been this stressed since you got promoted. That being said, you simply nodded and admired his figure as he exited your office.

You began attaching the forms you needed him to fill out to an email as you waited. Even though it was on work terms, you were really excited to finally have some alone time with Joshua. You wished you were feeling more bubbly, for his sake, but he knew how to handle you in any state.

He came back with his laptop in one hand and a foldable chair in the other. He walked around to the side of your desk that you were on and set up the chair next to you before putting his laptop on your desk and turning it on.

“Thank you, Joshua, really. I know you had plans tonight, so it means a lot that you’re helping me.” you told him, but he just nodded. He was always the type to help without feeling the need to be thanked, so he almost never said ‘you’re welcome’.

You were typing and clicking at a rapid pace, forwarding things to your boss and to her colleagues, making sure everyone that was going on the business trip had the information they needed. You weren’t exactly why you were the one getting things for a business trip that you weren’t even going on, but you didn’t question it as you wanted to keep your job.

At around 9pm, you finally sent out your last email. You sighed loudly and slumped down in your chair dramatically with a blissful smile on your face. Joshua looked down at you and grinned.

“All done?” he asked and you nodded.

“I feel so much better.” you admitted and sat up straight again. You placed your elbow on your desk and rested your cheek in your hand, looking toward Joshua. “Are you almost finished? I can help you with the rest.”

“Actually,” he clicked his mouse a few times before looking at you, “I’m done too.” he closed his laptop and stood up and you followed suit. You smiled ear to ear and bent down to turn off your computer. Joshua folded the chair he was sitting in and you gathered your things before finally exiting your office. All of the lights in the building were turned off, except the emergency lights, so it was relatively dark.

“You know,” Joshua began as you made your way to the elevator, “the guys don’t even believe you’re real at this point.” you couldn't help but giggle.

“Yeah? Because you keep saying I’ll come to things and then I don’t?” you asked and he let out a breathy laugh, entering the elevator with you by his side and pressing the “2” button.

“I guess so… I must’ve made you sound too good to be true.” he looked over at you, but you kept your gaze on the elevator floor, hiding your blush. Was he playing some sort of game or were you still hypersensitive from the previous night? You figured if he had something to say he would just say it, but maybe he felt the same way as you in terms of not wanting to ruin your friendship… It felt like forever, but you eventually reached the second floor and made your way to Joshua’s workspace.

He placed his laptop on his desk and you plugged it into the charger as he went to put the chair away. You leaned against his desk as you waited, not exactly sure where he went. You tapped your foot on the linoleum floor and soon Joshua was headed back toward you. Though, the way he was walking was strange. His head was down and he seemed to be twiddling his fingers in front of him.

When he reached you, you stood up straight, a look of concern on your face.

“Are you oka-”

“I love you.”

You blinked up at him. “What?”

“Uhh, I’m in love with you. I don’t know why I’m telling you this right now.” he said, avoiding your gaze.

All you could do was stand still. Normally your body and mind reacted instinctively upon hearing things, but this time you were frozen. He finally looked you in the eyes and you felt your test tighten.

“Why…” you pondered for a moment, “Why didn’t you say something last night?!” you threw your hands up in the air frustratedly and stepped away from him. His face went from nervous to confused as he turned to look at you.

“What? Why would I have done that?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe because I was horny out of my mind?” you raised your voice slightly, and he was looking at you like a deer caught in headlights. You looked at him for a moment, then sighed, burying your face in your hands. “Sorry, that was… anyway what I meant to say is that I like you too, a lot actually, love is just a really scary word and I’ve never been in love before so I didn’t want to word it that way and I’m not only interested in you physically, even though that’s how it sounded, it just would’ve been nice to know that yesterday because I’ve been like, really lonely for a while now and would’ve potentially, no, definitely wanted to hook up or something, but anyway that’s beside point-”

“Y/N.” Joshua interrupted your extremely nervous ramble and walked up to you, your chests almost touching. He reached up and gently tilted your chin so you were looking up into his beautiful brown eyes. Before you could ask what he was doing, his lips were on yours.

You couldn’t believe it, but his lips felt even softer than they looked. His kiss was gentle, warm, and inviting, just as he was.

You put your arms around his neck and pulled him closer, wanting to feel him against you as best as you could. His tongue slid into your mouth and his hands began roaming your body. He touched you everywhere he could, as if he’d thought about what he’d do this moment on an endless loop. His hands roamed your sides, squeezing your hips with a groan before moving up to your breasts.

“God this shirt…” he whispered into the kiss. You smirked against his lips as you leaned into his touch.

“What about it?” you replied quickly, unable to believe how amazing his hands felt even over your blouse.

“It’s so,” he bit your bottom lip as he pulled away from the kiss, “tight.” you moaned into the kiss as his hands travelled down your body once more. One stopped at your waist and the other continued to your ass. “These skirts are ridiculous too.” he sighed against your lips, pushing your lower half against his. You could feel him growing hard in his pants, his member prodding against your stomach only exciting you further.

“What?” you laughed, “Are they too tight?” you raised your eyebrow. He smirked against your lips, reaching down and grabbing the back of your thighs before lifting you up and setting you on the desk. You placed a lingering kiss on his lips, “Because I’ll show you tight.” you joked and he chuckled, looking down at the floor.

“I don’t know why I thought you would be able to stay serious this whole time.” he kissed you again, only this time with more force. You kept one hand on the back of his neck and moved the other one to his chest, beginning to unbutton his dress shirt. With each button that came undone, more of his beautiful honey-colored skin was revealed.

Once his front was fully revealed, you didn’t hesitate to run your hands across his perfectly sculpted chest and down his slender waist to rest on his belt buckle. He quickly untucked your shirt from your skirt and lifted it over your head, tossing it behind you. He unbuckled your bra with ease as he kissed you, almost aggressively pulling it off and tossing it to the side. When his hands finally touched your bare breasts, he let out a long sigh, his kisses becoming sloppier.

“This is so much better than I imagined.” he grunted, the words going straight between your legs. You couldn’t use words to express how happy, and aroused, it made you to know that Joshua had just as sinful thoughts about you as you had about him.

Joshua removed his hands from you to pull off his shirt. He dropped it at his feet and returned one hand to your breast, thumb roaming over your nipple as his other hand fiddled with the zipper on the side of your skirt. He tugged it down and you lifted your body enough so that he could pull it off.

Suddenly he grabbed your hips and slid you forward, your crotch pressing against his. He leaned down and took one of your nipples in his mouth, grinding his hardened member against you. The pressure on your clit and the wetness of his mouth on your breast had you whimpering, your fingers threaded through his platinum locks.

“J-Joshua, more,” you whined, trying to keep your voice as steady as possible. He sat you up straight and your hands immediately went to work on his belt. Your hands shook slightly as you undid it, your excitement getting the best of you. As soon as it was unbuckled, you popped the button open and unzipped his pants as he quickly toed his shoes off. He kicked his pants off as well and shoved them under the desk with his foot.

Your hand immediately went to palm his member over his boxers, a beautiful moan falling off of Joshua’s lips. He went from kissing your lips to your neck and you bit your lip, trying not to make the noises your body so desperately wanted to make.

You sighed before reaching into Joshua’s boxers, beginning to stroke his length. He inhaled sharply at the feeling before letting out a shaky breath. When you reached the top of his cock, you ran your thumb over the tip, precum dripping down his shaft.

“Y/N,” he moaned, “God I need to fuck you.” he let out a sigh as he rested his forehead against yours, breathing heavily.

“Then do it.” you smirked, refusing to break eye contact as you slowly slid his boxers down his thighs. You placed a light kiss on his lips and shoved them the rest of the way down. He kicked them to where the rest of his clothes were before grabbing your hip with one hand and resting his other on the desk. He leaned forward and captured your lips in a kiss, continuing to lean forward until you were laying flat against the cold wood.

He kissed you sweetly as his hand travelled down your body, moving right past where you needed him most, to grip your thigh. You knew he was teasing you and you hated it.

As soon as you went to complain, his lips were kissing your neck once more. He bit down gently on your skin before sliding his tongue over the wound. You let out a moan as he moved to another spot on your neck, repeating the process on another spot of supple skin.

You moved your hands to his hair and pulled on it, arching into his touch. He then peppered kisses across your chest before moving to your breasts. He wrapped his mouth around one and his large hand encompassed the other. He sucked on your nipple before pulling on it with his teeth, the action going straight between your legs.

He sloppily kissed his way down your stomach, his hands moving down your legs and removing your heels. When he reached right below your navel, he slowly spread your legs. You were hesitant, being so exposed always made you nervous, but you were too far gone to even think of changing anything.

He lightly blew on your clit, eliciting a loud moan to fall from your lips. Your back arched and you tugged on his hair, trying to pull him closer to your heat.

“Tell me what you want.” though his voice sounded sweet, his tone was adamant. He stared at your pussy, glistening beautifully just for him. He couldn’t believe he was finally getting the opportunity to touch you, to feel you.

“I,” he ran his finger along your heat, collecting your wetness and causing you to let out a shaky breath as he trailed his wet finger down your thigh. “I-I want your mouth.” you rushed. He continued gently roaming his finger all around your lower half, though purposefully avoiding your sensitive spot.

“Want my mouth… where?” he pouted slightly as he looked up at you from between your legs.

“Joshua please don’t make me-” he cut you off by slowly licking from your entrance to your clit. He lapped at your pussy, collecting your juices on his tongue before sucking on your clit. You breathed heavily as you grabbed at his hair, whimpers leaving your lips. He kitten licked at your heat as he slid one of his long fingers into you.

“Oh my god yes,” you moaned breathlessly as he pumped it in and out of you. He soon added a second finger, curling them inside of you before pumping them a few times and repeating the process. The tips of his fingers hit your spot, and he knew it too. You clenched around his fingers and moaned louder than you had the entire night.

“Joshua…” you said quietly, stopping his hand with yours. He looked up at you with wide eyes, thinking that he had done something wrong. You brought his fingers to your lips and Joshua bit his lip as he watched you suck them clean. You put your hand on the back of his head and crashed your lips to his, the taste of you still on his tongue.

“What is it?” he whispered against your lips. You let your tongue explore his mouth as he slowly stood up. You reached down to stroke his length once more, Joshua bucking into your hand involuntarily.

“Wanna come on your cock.” you admitted and felt him smirk against your lips. You laid back down eagerly, Joshua leaning with you, continuing the kiss.

He propped himself up on one elbow and moved his other hand in between your bodies, aligning his cock with your entrance. He kissed you passionately as he slid into you, a guttural moan falling from Joshua’s lips and a high-pitched one falling from yours. He buried his face in your neck as you got used to the feeling of each other, the euphoria being better than you could have imagined.

“Okay,” you exhaled and tapped his shoulder. He slowly pulled out of you and then slammed back in, repeating the slow yet menacing process until it was clear the both of you needed more.

Joshua stood up straight, your hips tight in his grip, and quickened his pace. You could feel every inch of him, a light sweat covering your forehead.

“Harder,” you pleaded, though your voice was barely audible.

Your wish was his command as he kept the fast pace, but began pounding into you mercilessly. With each thrust he hit your g-spot, causing your back to arch almost painfully.

“You feel so good baby,” he groaned, a quiet moan falling from your lips at the unexpected nickname.

Joshua couldn’t keep his eyes off of you and his ears worked hard to pick up every sound that fell from your lips. Your breasts bounced with each thrust and he could hear how wet you were; how wet he had made you. Other than how sinfully beautiful you looked under him, the fact that he was the one who was making you feel so good was driving him crazy.

“I’m so close,” you whimpered, eyes closing as you relished in the feeling. One of Joshua’s hands moved from your waist to your clit, adding pressure as he thrusted into you. You cried out, grabbing his hand that was on your hip and digging your nails into it.

“Look at me,” he demanded. As hard as it was, you opened your eyes and looked directly into his. There was hair sticking to his forehead and a few beads of sweat were rolling down his chest and you swore you could’ve come from the sight of him alone.

The combination of Joshua’s cock thrusting into you at the perfect angle along with his finger on your clit and the face he made when you clenched around him was enough to throw you over the edge. You came around him, the calling out of his name accompanying your shaking body in its euphoric state.

As soon as you came down from your high, Joshua pulled out of you and rubbed his length along your heat, cumming on your stomach with a loud moan.

You laid there, sweaty and exhausted, your chest moving up and down rapidly. You reached up and ran your hands through your hair as Joshua opened one of his desk drawers. He pulled out a napkin and wiped his cum off of you before tossing it into the trash can.

“Thank you,” you said shyly. He nodded and offered his hand to you. You took it and he pulled you up toward him, a small smile on your face.

“See I knew you were hot, but that was insane.” he pecked your lips as you laughed.

“Right back at you.” you moved a few of the hairs off of his forehead and admired his slightly dewy features.

“Now I say,” he ran his hands down your bare sides, “we stay at your place tonight. Our first time having sex should be our first time spending the night together right? I would say we could go to my place, it’s kind of a mess.” he suggested, lacing his fingers together behind your back. You smiled up at him.

“I love you too.” you said and his face dropped.

“What?” he mirrored you with his words.

“I love you too. I realized I never said it back to you before, but I do.”

Joshua remembered you mentioning not knowing what being in love feels like and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. Then, as if a lightbulb went off in his head, he made a face of realization.

“It was the dick wasn’t it?” he questioned, causing you to let out a laugh.

“What’re you talking about?” you asked as you leaned back on your hands.

“Cause before you were all like ‘oh I don’t know what love is’ and now you’re saying you love me.” he impersonated you and now you were both laughing, specifically at the chances of it all.

“It wasn’t just the sex… but I will admit it was the deciding factor.”

“Well, I’m glad you decided to return the feeling.” the conversation ended as his eyes slowly made their way from your face to your neck. “I see I left my mark,” he ran his fingers over the few hickey’s he had left near your collarbones, “Sorry about that.”

Your eyes fluttered shut at his touch, your skin seemingly more sensitive than it was before. “Stop touching me or I’m gonna try and fuck you again and I would like our next time to be outside of the office.”

“So you mean like, at the park or something?” you opened your eyes and looked at him with a deadpan expression. He flashed you a dorky smile, but you just rolled your eyes, standing up to collect your clothing.

He tried to convince you that what he’d said was funny as the both of you got dressed, but you simply nodded and threw out an ‘mhm’ here and there.

As you left the office, hand in hand for the first time, you decided to stop by Joshua’s apartment so he could pick up some clothes for the weekend (he didn’t plan on going home until he had to) and to drop off his car, then head over to your place.

Once you arrived at your apartment, you took a somehow innocent shower together. Both of you were tired, but neither of you were through with feeling the other’s skin on your own. You took your time getting ready for bed, running a comb through your hair and applying moisturiser. You talked to Joshua and it felt like nothing had changed, you were still the best friends you were before, and you wondered if that meant you were in love with each other the entire time, maybe even before you ever realized you liked him.

You settled into your bed, Joshua’s bare chest under your head. He ran his hand through your damp hair as your eyelids grew heavier.

“So I guess we’re, what, together now?” he asked and you looked up at him.

“I’d like that if you would, yeah.” you said quietly, hoping that after your evening the two of you were on the same page.

“More than anything.”

He kissed your forehead and you returned to your spot on his chest, a thankful, thoroughly pleased smile on your face as you drifted off to sleep.

a/n: hi.. sooooo this is my first time writing a ~lengthy one shot and also my first time writing smut and i kNOW that it’s not very GOOD but i tried ok i promise i Will get better but yeah this is like 2/10 stars so i apologize :( i hope if anything that you guys like the storyline and/ or the dialogue or idk i hope you guys at least like one aspect about it sdjlsfjlkjsdf this was a bit rushed so admittedly it could be better but truthfully i got really excited about writing it ANYWAY!! i chose to write this based on the results from the writing preferences survey i have pinned! so if you wanna fill it out if you haven’t that would be super :^) again i hope you guys liked this and thank you so so much for reading <3

621 notes · View notes

niborssideblog · 2 years

Text

It took me we'll into my 20's to realise I was trans. Tumblr has made that journey both easier and so, so much harder.

As a child I don't think I really knew gender was a thing. I felt more comfortable playing with the boys and a slight disconnect with the girls but thought nothing of it, I wanted a beard when I grew up, lot's of undiagnosed adhd moments, the girls thought I was weird, I got bullied, eventually the boys followed suit

As a young teen I felt uncomfortable and like there was something wrong with me (other than the adhd) but I couldn't quite figure out what, got bullied some more.

As a slightly older teen I learned about internalised misogyny and thought that was the problem (and some of it was tbh)

I decided I didn't want to be that person anymore so I made an effort to get over it:

I got over my extreme hatred for the colour pink.

Stopped forcing myself to watch horror movies that gave me nightmares just so I could look tougher.

Stopped forcing myself to participate in activities I hated but did anyway because I wanted to be as "ungirly" as possible.

Tried out some traditionally "girly" activities, found a couple I enjoyed, accepted that I still disliked others and that was OK

Realised that trans women exist and decided to support them (idk how I didn't realise trans men were also a thing back then)

Became more supportive of others

Made an active effort to be less judgemental.

Followed more feminism centric blogs here on tumblr

Accidentally started following some r*dfem blogs.

Didn't really buy into the whole "all men are evil" thing at first but everyone was reblogging it and the common notion was that disagreeing made someone a bad person so I went along with it.

Started to belive it eventually.

Became less supportive and more judgemental again.

I was scared of every guy I met.

I was scared of my male relatives.

Internalised quite a lot of it.

I knew it was wrong and I felt like a bad person for it.

My depression and anxiety got worse.

I eventually started to expect the worst of *everyone* I met.

In my early twenties and I was tired of it, I was depressed, unhappy and hated myself to a point where suicide started to look like an valid option, I'd even had it all planned out and the materials for it ready in my bedside drawer just in case I ever worked up the nerve to actually do it.

I knew that was kinda fucked up though, so I started reading self help books, got into new hobbies and most importantly:

I spent less time on tumblr and more time interacting with my friends, family and colleagues.

I slowly stopped seeing the men in my life as a threat, and started seeing them as human again.

My mental health improved - I still had depressive episodes but not to the point of wanting to die so I packed up my "maybe I'll kill myself kit" into a box and moved it into my assigned storage room in the basement of my apartment building.

That's also around the time I started to question my own gender, and I felt so fucking guilty about it.

I felt like an idiot.

Like a traitor.

Like even thinking about not being a woman anymore, about *maybe* being a man made me some unforgivable horrible person.

I tried to blame it on the internalised misogyny again but deep down I knew that wasn't it, I didn't know internalised misandry was a thing back then.

I started harming myself and the "mikms kit" moved back into my bedroom.

Then Covid-19 happened and I had so much anxiety about it but I with all the quarantine and working in shifts and homeoffice I suddenly had a lot of time to myself, to really and truly contemplate life, the world and my own existence.

Sometimes I felt better about it, sometimes worse, almost made one serious attempt at ending everything.

Got back on tumblr, unfollowed and blocked a lot of blogs that parrots the same kind of fake woke-isms that had made me feel suicidal in the first place.

I actively searched for people like me online, followed trans positive blogs, threw out all the feminine clothes that made me feel worse, kept a couple that didn't, started collecting poloshirts and hawaiian print shirts and came ot to my friends.

I met other trans people, tried out some different names and pronouns, bought a binder, some packing gear and new glasses.

I signed myself up for therapy so I can eventually start hrt and learned how to use makeup to look more masculin.

I feel so freaking euphoric whenever someone uses the name I'm trying out (and may even keep), or when random strangers gender me correctly.

I rejoice at the pure happiness and glee I feel every time I look in the mirror and see how far I've already come.

Sure, there are still bad days, sometimes even really bad ones, but all in all my life truly has changed for the better:

I haven't harmed myself in almost 2 years.

I've finally thrown away the "mikms kit".

I'm (a little) less anxious.

I'm still not sure about my sexuality but now I finally feel like I've got a whole life to figure it out.

I'm no longer embarrassed about "traditionally gender hobbies"

I have more confidence, both in myself and in others.

I'm more sociable than I've ever been.

I've gotten better at setting boundaries.

I'm more comfortable with my body.

I'm in my late 20's now and making real longterm plans for the first time in my life.

I may still have a long way to go until I've reached my personal transitioning goals but I'm confident that I'll make it.

I'm a proud queer dude, and I'm the happiest I've been since probably kindergarten.

It DOES get better.

#tw mentions of suicide #tw mentions of self harm #tw #gender journey #tw mentions of depression #trans men #it gets better

5 notes · View notes

maccreadysimp · 3 years

Text

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

#mine #shameless #ian gallgher #gallavich #mickey milkovich #text post

53 notes · View notes

theroguequeenaniki · 3 years

Text

Questions 2009 -> 2021

This is from my Facebook. It popped up on my memories page thing. I originally answered this in 2009 when I was 15, it’s now 2021 & and I am 27, so I’m gonna do it again. Leaving the original answers. Original answers will be italicized. Commentary on the original answers in parentheses & crossed out? Lol. (I’m not gonna tag anyone, but, like, I guess if you want to answer these random questions from Facebook 12 years ago, go ahead lol)

Questions

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose people to tag. Don't forget to tag me so I can see your answers! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours. Easy! Next, tag people that you think may enjoy this (in the right hand corner of the app). Click publish (at the bottom). Have fun! :) 1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? My cup with my Big Red in it The straw to my Kate Spade tumbler to drink my HEB Cola Lol.

2.Where was your profile picture taken? I got it off the internet. it's a random anime girl. My bedroom. 3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Never played it. Probably wouldn't be good at it. Not to good at video games. But I am good at Mario Cart, both 64 and the Wii. plus I'm good at some Sonic games. Still never played it. Idk if I’m any good at Mario Cart or the Sonic games anymore, I haven’t played either in years lol

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Doctor Who TikTok. My cats.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? Umm, probably about 10:00 cause it took me forevor to get into bed. Uh..Past 4am. Lol. B/c my sleep schedule is fucked. I was in bed by 3am though, but I was playing games & watching TikToks on my phone. Lol.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Yes. I'd move to either New York or Sweden. I don’t know. Part of me says yes. But part of me says no..b/c even though Texas has it’s faults (a LOT of them), I cannot imagine living anywhere else long-term..

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? HAHA. Yeah right. I've never even been kissed! Still nope. I have been kissed though. He just didn’t kiss me under the fireworks the one NYE we spent together...

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Um, I think R, but D might also. D is accross Stasney from me and R is a couple blocks down (I don’t talk to these people much anymore & I’m not going to share their names on Tumblr) Uh. I think Maybe Raven? B/c they’re the only one who lives in the same city still. But, Sarah might technically be closer distance wise? Hold on. Ok, yeah, Sarah’s closer, even though she doesn’t live in this city anymore.

9. Do you believe exes can be friends? It all depends on the situation.(I totally stold M's answer but it's true) (I don’t talk to this person anymore & I’m not gonna share their name on Tumblr) I mean, yeah. Two of my best friends are each others exes and they’re still friends. I haven’t stayed friend with my ex, but, uh, he ghosted me so? Lol.

10. How do you feel about Dr. Pepper? I love it. I still love it. Lol.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? I can't remember. I don't think it was that long ago, I had a light cry on Saturday, but I don't remember the last time I cried really hard. When we got back from our trip in July. Had a full on breakdown that night. Overheated all weekend. Overwhelmed. Anxiety. It was not a very good vacation..I cry a lot though.

12. Who took your profile picture? I got it off of google. I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Umm, either myself, or one of my family members. Aside from myself. I think my dad, on his phone, b/c there was a cicada on his shoulder and he wanted to ask the family group chat if he could keep it. Lol. I take a LOT of pictures of cats though. Lol.

14. Was yesterday better than today? Hail yes! To much drama today! And I couldn't avoid it cause I was in the middle of it! (Oof, what drama was 15 yo Linda dealing with that she couldn’t avoid? Lol. I mean, I guess, Sophomore year was a bit full of drama lol) Anyway, I mean, they were pretty much the same. One wasn’t better than the other. One wasn’t worse than the other.

15. Can you live a day without TV? yeah. Now Music there is something I can't live without! Yep, Do it almost everyday. Sentiments about music remain the same. Lol.

16. Are you upset about anything? Yes. I'm annoyed about something and it's making me upset. (I assume this has something to do with the the drama mentioned earlier lol) Always. Anxiety & depression are a bitch. My rooms a mess & I can’t get myself to clean it. My shelves are still a mess.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? yeah. though i havent really had one yet. I mean, yeah. Even though I haven’t had one last, aside from friendships, but they’re worth it.

18. Are you a bad influence? I hope not. If so, let me know.(again I took M's answer but it's true) Probably. Idk. Lol.

19. Night out or night in? Depends on what's going on and how I feel about it. Night in usually. I do like going out sometimes, but, like, to dinner. Maybe a movie or a show. But, you know, we’ve been in a panini press, the only thing I’ve been comfortable doing is going to dinner (fully vaxxed & masked). But I also prefer staying home anyway. (Like I usually just go to dinner with my family lol)

20. What items could you not go without during the day? my computer. my book. my journal and a pen. My phone. My journal (b/c I write in it every night, as a diary, 14yo Linda wrote stories). Uh. I didn’t take food or drinks into account in the og, so I won’t in those. But, yeah. My phone & journal. I can go a day without my laptop if I need to. (Went the whole trip in July without pulling it out, though maybe that’s not a good example since my anxiety on that trip was so high..) I want to say a book, but I’ve been in a massive reading slump so...I wish I read as much as 15yo Linda did..

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember. I think it was myself.(if you want to know, ask me in person) I honestly don’t know. I don’t remember the last time I was in a hospital.

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Mrbobbybones: wish ted would finally meet their mother already. geez. get to it. However, I see myself in that character more and more each episode." yeah. That's what it says. It's from Twitter. (Huh? and I can’t even go check b/c my inbox doesn’t go back to 2009 on Twitter?? (I haven’t had my account that long) Wait wait wait just remembered I used to get tweets to my phone as text messages lol)

Facebook messenger: “ Cool” From our group chat. Lol.

From actual text messages on my phone: “ heeey! Just put up the Tuesday PDS just for you it’s a big one.” From Phillip Defranco’s text line Lol.

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I'm loving and hating it. but hey nobody gets out alive right? Uh..I mean. I’m alive. I have WiFi. Food. Family. I haven’t seen my friends in 2 years. (Minus Alex, b/c they were here in July to cat/house sit, but I saw them for like, one night..) There’s a lot that could be better. A lot that could be worse.

24. Do you hate anyone? yes!!! Oof. I mean, kinda.

25. If we were to look in your Facebook Inbox, what would we find? some random conversations. most of my convos on her though have been in chat or through comments. Facebook Inbox is now Facebook Messenger. So you’ll find all my Facebook Messenger convos. Mostly our group chat. And side group chats for secret planning (birthdays & stuff). Plus other chats? Lol.

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? I better! (excuse me miss 15yo Linda you absolutely could have passed a drug test you ALSO didn’t drink or smoke or take any drugs lol) Yeah. Absolutely. I don’t drink or smoke or take any drugs so, yeah? Lol.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?

Yes. But I can't remember when... Yeah. Pretty sure.

28. What song is stuck in your head? Gee by SNSD(Girls Generation) They're Korean. A few My Chemical Romance songs

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? EDWARD CULLEN! Joke! lol. No I don't know. If it was Edward, I'd call the cops. whoever it is though better have an explaination or they are gonna get hit in the head with my Book of Shadows. (Maybe I wouldn’t mind Edward at my window though? Lol.) Uh. My friends? Lol. Idk if I want anyone knocking on my window at 2am.

30.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50? I don't know....... Uh. No? Idk. Most likely not gonna happen.

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? I can't think of anything right now... Eat. Should probably clean my room.

32. Do you think too much or too little? Way to much! lol. Way way way too much

33. Do you smile a lot? i try to. I think I do. I get told that alot in Theater...

I think so

#questions #throwback #is this a get to know me #idk

7 notes · View notes

fencer-x · 4 years

Text

Fencer’s Big Eva Review

Just got done watching the Eva finale, so it’s time to get out thoughts while they’re fresh! Caveat: Eva is difficult to understand for native speakers, and I’m definitely not a native speaker XD I feel like I got maybe half, and got the rough gist of like 10% of the rest, and the remaining was just no friggin’ clue. Would’ve gone better if there’d at least been JP subs, but you’ll have to deal with what I’ve got for now!

It should be obvious, but there’ll be HELLA MAJOR SPOILERS for the final Evangelion movie. Ready? Let’s go.

The movie very helpfully starts off with a ~2 min recap of the movies thus far. This was great because I didn’t have time to rewatch the previous three before going, and while I’ve seen them a few times, it took me a second the recall what had happened at the very end of Q, so I was glad to get a very brief recap.

The actual movie itself opens on...Paris! Or Paris post-Near-Third-Impact (Third Impact?), which is a red and black wasteland. It seems that Wille has been developing these things that look like Entry Plugs that they shove into the ground and restore everything to pre-all-impacts (so like, blue water and everything); couldn’t get HOW it managed that, but they had them and were attempting to restore Paris.

Would have been a walk in the park except for weird Eva-Angel-Machine hybrids that were trying to prevent them from activating the plugs. Lots of fighting happens, with Mari piloting her Eva to give them cover while the Wille staff set everything up. Eventually they manage it, and Euro Nerv is restored.

Then we switch over to right where Q left off: Asuka, Clone!Rei, and a catatonic Shinji wandering around trying to go who knows where. They eventually get picked up by...Touji! Yes, an older Touji now who lives in a commune of survivors, scraping out a semblance of a life in one of the areas protected by the aforementioned plugs (they had another name but I couldn’t get it).

In this community, Touji is the local doctor--and he’s married with a kid! He married Hikari, and they have an infant daughter named Tsubame.

Now, let’s check in how our main three do when introduced to this relatively normal life they get to enjoy for a few weeks:

Asuka: Still in ‘fight mode’, ready to go at a moment’s notice. How she thinks she’s gonna fight when she has no Eva idk, but for this entire little bit, she’s either naked or in her plugsuit. She stays with Aida Kensuke, who’s kind of the handyman, and is generally just rude af.

Shinji: For 90% of this bit, he’s totally shut off. He’s incredibly fucked up from having JUST watched Kaworu die, essentially because of him, and Asuka has on a DSS choker, and every time he sees it, he collapses and begins vomiting violently. He stays with the Suzuharas at first but is quickly sent to stay with Asuka and Kensuke because they don’t really know how to deal with him. Kensuke manages to get him to open up a little bit, but eventually it’s Rei who gets him started on the path back to being himself. At one point he runs away and ‘lives’ alone for a while in what I think was either the building where he first met Kaworu playing the piano or one that looked a lot like it. He goes out to do odd jobs with Kensuke a lot, and on one occasion he’s taken to an ‘outdoor lab’ where some workers are experimenting with new gardening techniques. It’s here he’s meets...Kaji Ryouji. No, not that Kaji Ryouji. That Kaji DIED. This is the son he had with Misato (named after him).

Rei: Now, let me say I’ve never been super interested in Rei. I didn’t dislike her, like I did Asuka, but I wasn’t really interested in her either. She was just there. Guys.....I LOVED REI IN THIS MOVIE. I would have watched 2.5 hours of the Rei Learns To Be A Human show and been happy for the $20 I paid. Rei spends her time in the commune learning to be an individual. She stays with the Suzuharas and learns what different words mean, like “Good morning” and “Good night” and “Thank you” and “Goodbye”, she gets super close with a bunch of old ladies who essentially adopt her and teach her how to plant turnips and what a bath is, and she becomes her own person. When she first arrives, the Suzuharas think she’s “Ayanami Rei”, but she explains that she isn’t, so they call her “Sokkuri-san” instead (”Miss Spitting Image” essentially), and the old ladies find it amusing at first but then encourage her to choose her own name, and when she can’t think of one, they tell her to have someone choose one for her, so she asks the Uber-Depressed Shinji to choose one. These interactions are what eventually pull him back to himself, but ultimately he’s unable to come up with one, because “Ayanami is Ayanami”. She thanks him for trying anyway, returns his SD player to him..............................and then dissolves into a pile of LCL fluid, as apparently all clones eventually return to LCL. Fantastic, because Shinji didn’t need EVEN MORE TRAUMA.

Somehow, the above doesn’t break Shinji, and he resolves to go back to Wille and face his father I guess?? I’m not entirely clear on why (gotta go read some reports of my own I guess lol). Back on the ship with Misato et al., Shinji isn’t forced to wear a choker but he’s put in a cell with like explosives in it I guess. He starts having visions of Kaworu helping him accept things.

At this point it’s getting close to the climax, and Wille are going after Nerv/Gendo once and for all. During the final fight, Asuka tried to take out Unit 13′s core, and then she’s not managing it, she rips off her eyepatch, and we see that the patch was keeping the 9th angel bound within her eye, so she decides to throw away her humanity and let it take over to destroy Unit 13. Unfortunately, she’s killed in the end--how? She’s approached by a vision of her ‘original’. Yup, Asuka was a clone herself, like Rei, and she turns back into LCL and she and unit 02 are absorbed by Unit 13.

Eventually the fight comes down to Shinji vs. Gendo, who has thrown away his own humanity and bonded with Unit 13 in the hopes of completing the Human Instrumentality Project. He and Shinji go head to head as Shinji summons (???) Unit 01 from inside Unit 13, and there’s a really REALLY WEIRD final fight between the two that involves some weird animation choices. Lots of storyboards and overly CGI’d CGI, and some bits that seem to take them through the different incarnations of the Eva series.

We also get Gendo backstory by the boatload as he and Shinji have an actual goddamn conversation for once. Mari features prominently in Gendo’s flashbacks so she was definitely one of his classmates it seems, who introduced him to Fuyutsuki. I’m still not entirely clear on who she is/was.

However, through this conversation, Shinji gives the people he’s interacted with most closely/been closest with closure I guess? Gendo, Asuka...Kaworu.

So about Kaworu. Their conversation was VERY VERY WEIRD; it’s made clear that Shinji is also now aware of all the different iterations of their meeting. When they talk, it’s set at the beach where they first met in the TV series, and Shinji says he remembers all the times they’ve met before. Shinji mentions that Kaworu reminds him a lot of his father, and then there are some very strange flashbacks (????) of Kaworu’s that I feel like imply he’s to Gendo as Rei is to Yui. At one point, he’s seen talking to Fuyutsuki, trying to decide on a name for himself and settling on ‘Nagisa’ as it means ‘beach’, where the ocean meets the land. Fuyutsuki later addresses Kaworu, who’s sitting in Gendo’s desk, as “Commander Nagisa”. Kaworu reflects to Shinji that he failed so many times to make Shinji happy, but he’s realized now that that’s because he doesn’t know what would make Shinji happy and it was arrogant to think he knew better. He was looking for his own happiness all along.

In the end, after all these goodbyes, Shinji is left with the decision of what to do with, well, reality. He decides, in a conversation with Rei, that he’ll reset everything--create a ‘neon genesis’--to a world without Eva or Angels.

Our last shot is an older Shinji meeting his (presumed??) girlfriend Mari on a train platform. On the opposite platform waiting for their own train are Kaworu, Asuka, and Rei. Shinji and Mari hold hands and run, laughing, from the train station.

NEON GENESIS EVANGELION GOT A HAPPY ENDING. 2021 REALLY BE OUT HERE WILDING.

My final thoughts:

Okay I’ll say it: the fuck with Shinji/Mari endgame? Believe me, it was completely out of left field even in this movie. They just happened to be the only final survivors. Mari flirted a hell of a lot more with ASUKA and was distraught at her death than she did with Shinji. They were a kind of cute couple in the end, but very ?????

I’m disappointed Shinji wasn’t the one to give Kaworu his happiness in the end, after Kaworu spent so long and so many lives and realities trying to make him happy and failing. I’m choosing to believe, since these multiple realities/resets are canon now, that he did it in one of them. They all deserve the happiness of their choosing, not just Shinji’s, and Kaworu showed us time and time again that his happiness definitively involves being with Shinji.

I’m sure I missed a lot, because yanno, Eva, and it was long enough as is, but gosh I wish I could’ve understood more of everything that was going on, cause there was SO MUCH WEIRD SHIT.

If I watch this movie again, I will 500% just be watching those “Rei learns to be human with the help of a bunch of old cackling biddies” bits :> Those were THE BEST PARTS OF THE MOVIE.

#neon genesis evangelion #spoilers #review

29 notes · View notes

scatterpatter · 3 years

Note

Corren - 1 through 100 - You did this to yourself.

FUCK YOU *UN-IRONICS YOUR ASK*

UNDER THE FUCKING CUT

1. What do they smell like?

Bad. Do you think their party is able to regularly take showers? I thinketh the fuck not. ... Pine and old books when he can self care tho.

2. What is their voice like?

Listen I know Corren, being taller, would be more likely to have a deeper register but you'll tear "tenor Corren" out of my cold dead hands

3. What is their biggest motivator?

Spite.

4. What is their most embarrassing memory?

When he first met his BFF Alondra, he was so antisocial and good at ignoring people that she actually got the impression he might have been hard of hearing. She never let him live that down. (one day I'll finish this fic i promise)

5. How do they deal with/react to pain?

"I will keep all of my pain in here, and one day I'll die." ... Okay but listen he's squishy so he takes like one hit and is bloodied up. Someone get him a healer. Pls.

6. What do they like to wear?

He likes his cloak. Its weighty and soft(well. WAS soft. got a bit of wear and tear these days.) and like. Who doesnt love cloaks.

7. Which of their relationships have impacted them most positively?

Ohhhhh fuuuccck this one's tough. I might have to go with Torvid honestly. While the entire party has had a positive impact on him(and trust me I was this close to picking Alistair), Torvid's been more of the one to call him out on his bullshit and to, oh I don't know, talk about your emotions? Ever??? Yknow BEFORE they become too much to handle and he absolutely breaks down???

8. What’s the weirdest thing they’ve ever eaten?

Alistair's cooking.

9. Describe the way that they sleep.

Good luck finding him NOT cuddled up with at least one dog. Tbh he just enjoys cuddles in general.

10. What is their favorite food/kind of food?

FUCKIN. GIVE HIM A GOOD STEAK. THIS BOY IS MOSTLY CARNIVORISTIC.

11. What do they feel most insecure about?

As tempted as I am to say "His cooking", it's actually his singing.

12. How do they like to dress?

"Comfort over flashiness tbh. I gotta go ADVENTURING in whatever I wear after all."

"... Also don't you DARE perceive me as cishet."

13. How do they react to feelings of guilt?

Call him a genie because he will BOTTLE THAT SHIT UP.

14. How do they react to/deal with betrayal?

Denial :D

15. What is their greatest achievement?

Shrike: Killing his dad

Me: NOOOOOO

EDIT: WAIT THIS WAS ANSWERED IN Q99 WHAT THE HECK

16. What are they like when they’ve gotten too little sleep?

Somehow more of a dick than usual. Snappy and cranky and just. Mrehhh.

17. What are they like when they’re drunk?

Doesn't get drunk often, but when he does I imagine he's actually giggly and a little clingy. It's cute :)

18. What kind of music do they enjoy?

*Opens my Corren playlist* Oh yeah. It's either full edgy alt rock or indie alt "depressed millenial" tracks.

19. Are they right or left handed?

FFFuuhhhhck uhhhh well

Looking over my old art I can't seem to pick a dominant hand(I've even drawn him handling his sniper with either hand???????????) so like oops guess he's ambidextrous.

20. Fears?

The dark, the ocean, dying alone and forgotten, his friends losing their trust of him

21. Favorite kind of weather?

Rain!!!! Especially cool rain like what people often get in fall months.

22. Favorite color?

Indigo!!!

23. Do they collect anything?

Books :3

24. Do they prefer either hot or cold weather more?

Cold weather by far.

25. What is their eye color?

Electric blue!

26. What is their race/ethnicity?

Well his race is a homebrew race known as Marelienth. Uhhh ethnicity? Idk he's from a mountain town way up north *shrugs*

In human aus I imagine him as half-Mongolian half-Norwegian so ayee

27. Hair color?

Black!

28. Are they happy where they are currently?

No :D He loves adventuring with his party don't get me wrong but he still has a lot of trauma to unpack. ... Also he was just possibly broken up with soooo. :/

29. Are they a morning person?

NOPE.

30. Sunrise or sunset?

*motions to above question* Sunset.

31. Are they more messy or more organized?

More organized, actually!

32. Pet peeves?

*unravels a list. It's all shit the party has done. Mostly Alistair.*

33. Do they own any objects of significant personal importance?

HOOUSIDSJFK- HE- Y-YEAH HE SURE DOES

His amethyst pendant used to belong to his brother, Julian, and he gave it to Corren right before they were separated so you BET it's sentimental as shit and he wears it daily.

34. Least favorite food?

Mecha's usually a great cook but one time trolled him with some absurdly spicy curry he couldn't handle and he's never forgiven them.

35. Least favorite color?

Hmmm. Maybe... yellow?

36. Least favorite smell?

He spent a year with his party in a damp cave and no showers, so uh. I'll give you a guess.

37. When was the last time they cried?

Literally last night in our game's timeline :D Full breakdown and everything!

38. Were they with anybody the last time they cried?

Torvid :D He was there to comfort

39. Tell us about one of the times they got injured?

One time they were in combat and Corren took a few hits and was down to about 2hp or so. He had a temporary level thanks to Kieran, which boosted his HP a little bit. When he teleported them to a safe town, though, well... Torvid was waiting for them so that's cool. But uh. Yeah that temporary level wore off then and there, dropping Corn Cob to exactly 0hp and he just- flopped down face first in the snow and started dying then and there KJNDKLFNSLKN

40. Do they have any scars?

Do you want to talk about the scar over his eye from a fight he got in with his dad or like. The scars on his limbs from the time he was literally experimented on.

41. Do they struggle with any mental health issues?

Undiagnosed+Untreated Anxiety, Depression, DPDR, PTSD, just to name a few

42. Do they have any bad habits?

Running away from his problems, definitely.

43. Why might someone dislike them?

He's a pretentious nerd. He can be a dick if he doesn't care about you.

44. Why might someone love them?

He's an adorable nerd! He's a hopeless romantic and oddly enough an optimist. He's passionate and driven too!

45. Do they believe in ghosts?

Well ghosts are like- a canon proven thing in his world sooo. Yeah.

46. Is there anyone they would trust with their lives?

His party. Well- most in his party.

47. Are they romantically interested in anyone?

Nethyl :)

48. Are they dating/married to anyone?

He's dating Nethyl and they're in a happy and healthy relationship :) *politely ignores canon*

49. Do they like surprises?

NO >:(

50. When is their birthday?

Heroya 5th! I think. I don't wanna check, assume it's this.

51. How do they usually celebrate their birthday?

"You guys celebrate your watchdays?"

Jokes aside, he mainly just treats himself to a nice dinner and a new book or something :)

52. Do they have any family?

Two older siblings: Julian and Mila. His parents are Andreas and Fanya!

53. Are they close to their family?

... *Coughs*. He was close with his siblings, but Mila died and he hasn't seen Julian in 30 years. Was close with his dad but last time they saw each other, they fought and Corren might have killed him so. ... Yeah. :/

54. What is their MBTI type?

FUCK uh. I... N... T... J? INTJ. Sure.

55. What is their zodiac sign?

In Sekrezia: The eagle

In our world: Uhhh. Idk. Capricorn????

56. What Hogwarts House would they be in?

Uhhh. Ravenclaw??? I know almost nothing about HP :/

57. What D&D alignment are they?

THIS ONE'S EASY- lawful neutral!

58. Do they ever have nightmares? If so, what about?

Used to have typical nightmares, nothing special. Nowadays though he often dreams of being underwater. Not drowning, though. It's... weird. He doesn't like those.

59. What are their views on death?

He's a necromancer lol.

Death is inevitable, though. It's a necessary part of life. Death is not an entire loss, though. One lives on in the memories others carry of them, in the love they hold in their hearts. Death is complicated, but that's okay.

60. What is something that they’re sure to laugh at?

Alistair :)

61. When bored, how do they pass time?

Dog time :)

62. Do they enjoy being outside?

... Ehhhhhh?

63. Do they have an accent?

Technically??? It's an accent from where he's from but like. I just barely tweak my own voice when I rp him so? Damn Corren I'm sorry you've been cursed with east coast dialect.

64. Upon seeing a slice of chocolate cake, what is their first reaction?

"Damn who's the rich bastard here?" (cake is kinda a delicacy in their world- not like elites only but not NEARLY as common as it is here)

65. If they knew they were going to die, what would they do/say?

Reassurance mode to whomever he's with. "Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm okay. Remember what I told you, death is a natural part of life, yeah? I don't have any regrets, I'm okay... Just. Thanks. For giving me a chance. Thank you. Thank you."

66. How do they feel about sex?

I SWEAR he's allosexual. I'm just bad at writing allosexuals.

67. What is their sexuality?

He doesn't really know how to pin it down, so he just calls himself "queer". Definitely not straight, that's all he knows.

68. Do they become squeamish at the sight of blood?

AHAHA no. He's hella desensitized

69. Is there anything that they find really gross?

Skulking cyst. Look it up at your own volition. It's. NO.

70. Which TV Trope(s) best describes them?

It's 12:21 in the morning and I'm NOT about to scroll through a bunch of tv tropes just. just. NERD stereotype.

71. Do they enjoy helping people?

Yyyyes? Only really if it's the people he cares about.

72. Are they allergic to anything?

Bullshit.

73. Do they have a pet?

WINGTHARA!! HIS SKELE-DOG!!!

74. Are they quick to anger? What are they like when they loose their temper?

Oh yeah he's all bark and no bite. He usually just throws a little fit and/or yells.

75. How patient are they?

More than he should be :/

76. Are they good at cooking?

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

77. Favorite insult? Do they insult people often?

Oh yes he insults the others all the time. No particular favorite, he likes so spice it up.

78. How do they act when they’re particularly happy?

Stim. Stim. Stim. His eyes get all sparkly and he. He.

79. What do they do when they learn about other people’s fears?

He will do everything in his power to assure they won't ever have to deal with their fears alone- You afraid of spiders? It's his job to get the spiders from now on so you won't have to deal with them.

80. Are they trustworthy?

Oh yeah. He's like Rapunzel- doesn't break promises.

81. Do they try to hide their emotions? Are they good at it?

Oh yes he tries to hide it. And yes, he's awful at it.

82. Do they exercise regularly?

Yes and no? No like- exercise regimen, but the amount of travelling and fighting they do is just- a workout in and of itself

83. Are they comfortable with the way they look?

Yeah! He's cute and he knows it baybie!!!

84. What are some physical features that they find attractive on people?

He,,, he likes someone who's physically stong,,, Muscles are,,, aaaaa >///>

85. What kind of personalities do they find attractive?

Someone he can nerd out with :)

86. Do they like sweet foods?

Impartial to it. He won't turn sweets away but he's not crazy about them either.

87. What is their age?

43, the equivalent of- I think someone in their mid 30s?

88. Are they tall or short or somewhere in between?

He's 6'8" :) Which is actually normal for his race

89. Do they wear glasses or contacts?

Sometimes! I like to think he has reading glasses or something like that.

90. Do they consider themselves attractive?

HE'S CUTE AND HE KNOWS IT.

91. What is their sense of humor like?

Julian tainted his sense of humor and now he finds the most dumb shit hilarious. Think very millenial/GenZ humor like "I wish I was Jared, 19"

92. What mood are they most often in?

"I don't get paid enough for this" or Fear.jpg

93. What kinds of things anger them?

People who don't keep their FUCKING WORD. Oh and like. Yknow. Half the shit his party does.

94. Outlook on life?

Again he's??? Oddly an optimist? In the "Things will get better and that is a fucking THREAT" way, but still optimist!

95. What kind of things make them sad/depressed?

Talk about his family :) Or the fact that his boyfriend might want him dead :)

96. What is their greatest weakness?

He's squishy as fuck. He goes down easy.

97. What is their greatest strength?

He's extremely intelligent and great with magic and his sniper!

98. Something that they regret?

Not doing more to stop his brother when he tried to resurrect their sister

99. Biggest accomplishment?

Either convincing an entire town his name is Torren or accidentally convincing some very OP people that he's secretly a dragon.

100. Create your own!

FUCK YOU I SPENT LIKE 2 HOURS ON THIS. NO PROOFREAD. IVE ALREADY DESIGNED CORREN'S AND NETHYL'S HYPOTHETICAL KIDS. ANYWAYS THEY'RE TWIN IRINAGA AND I'VE NAMED THEM AFTER THE DNDADS TWINS: THEIR NAMES ARE LARK AND SPARROW.

#LONG POST #LONG LONG POST #Corren #FUCK YOU DREWSKI <3

8 notes · View notes