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thegodwithin · 3 years

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hi! im kind of new to law of assumption and old to law of attraction. law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused. i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier? i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc. i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof?? i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine? like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results. i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting. i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong?? I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me. I can even dm you, just please help me so I can actually manifest what I want. I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking. I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet. I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want. I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

Hey, so I just want to say that I really understand you. It’s funny how as I read your ask for the first time it really stood out to me how it was reflecting my current state at that moment so thank you for sending it. I will try my best to answer your questions but I'm still figuring this stuff out myself so I'm also just going to recommend some material that should help. I’ll put all the links at the end of the reply.

I have broken up your ask into several different topics and I’ll be addressing each one separately so please bear with me here.

This is the longest reply I've ever written so the rest is under the cut

law of assumption is not a hard concept but im a bit confused.

i think it’s because i don’t know much about what im getting into?? all i know is affirm and persist and etc.

I just feel like if someone told me how it works and exactly what to do, I wouldn’t be so confused and find it hard to persist.

The first and most important thing I want to say to you is that you should really learn from the source material, which as far as I’m concerned here is Neville Goddard. I know there are other teachers like him but he’s the main source most blogs and youtubers make their content from. And frankly a lot of posts on tumblr seem to really simplify and reduce things to the point where you get to this idea that it’s all just affirming and persisting which I really can’t agree with. That’s a conclusion one can reach after learning this stuff, processing it, experimenting with it and realizing what works best for them. But there are certainly other factors involved in the process, whether the person was aware of them or not. This also goes for youtubers and coaches in general. All these people are speaking based on their own experiences with the law. Through the lenses of their own beliefs, limitations, etc. So it’s only natural that they will sound different from each other and their message and style might not resonate with every person in the same way. Which is why you’re not supposed to just accept everything you hear or read at face value. Apply it, experiment with it and make your own conclusions.

like i want to use law of assumption and i want to believe to get what I want fast and easily BUT i want to know how it works and that im not following a delusion to make myself feel better and in the end, I am just left with disappointment and failed attempts at manifesting that left me with the consequences of my actions. ive been in the community for almost 2 years and i don’t think ive ever gotten results.

Most of us come into contact with the law from a negative situation and looking for a quick fix, and what we end up finding is a whole lot more than we ever bargained for. These teachings challenge everything we have ever known and accepted as absolute unchangeable truths in the world. And we are also dared to accept the responsibility that we were the cause of our entire lives?! It’s a lot to take in. You can’t be one foot in and one foot out. You’re trying to manifest something but you’re not seeing results. If you’re looking for results then you weren’t truly committed to living in the end and you haven’t really changed. You must notice the change within first, before the outside world can reflect that. You just give yourself what you want in your mind, and you keep doing it, day in and day out, with complete disregard for what your outer senses are telling you, until it hardens into a fact.

i find myself reacting to the 3D too much and like i find it hard to persist? what do i do to make persisting easier?

Battling with the 3d can certainly be painful and it just turns into a vicious cycle, because the more attention you pay to something, the more it gets perpetuated in your reality and in your experiences. I’ll be honest with you, sometimes I struggle with this as well. If anything, at least remember to prioritize your feelings at every given moment. If you notice that you’re feeling bad / reacting negatively to the 3d, stop and ask yourself: what do I want? or what do I want to feel?

Usually when I do that my mind automatically shows me the answer and then if I can enter the reality (within me, in my mind with my thoughts and feelings) where those things are true, suddenly that circumstance I was just reacting to doesn’t matter anymore. Because I feel fulfilled within now.

Just start allowing yourself to have what you want, no matter what. Practice putting yourself first, before anything else, before the circumstances around you, before what others might say or do. Even if the 3d looks bad right now, you deserve to feel what you want, you don’t have to keep putting yourself down because you haven’t seen an outside change yet. And the truth is that you won’t see a change if you keep watching the 3d and taking score from it. Because it can only change after you do. Because it’s a reflection of you. Allow yourself to feel that relief and satisfaction, in your imagination, everyday. Make it a habit and little by little you will have changed your mindset, entering a new reality.

Everything in your 3d world is an illusion in the sense that it’s not the truth. And this is because everything that you experience with your senses, in your 3d world is a direct reflection of you. You are everything, and you are everywhere you go and every person you meet. You can only ever experience yourself, nothing else. Nothing exists outside of you. Everything begins and ends with you.

and if we are truly the gods of our realities, doesn’t that mean someone else can manifest failure in mine?

You are God of your own reality. There’s only you in your reality. Nothing else and no one else. So everything and everyone that shows up is under your influence. IN YOUR REALITY. You can’t really access other people’s realities or inner worlds, and likewise they can’t reach yours. Even what you perceive as things outside of you pertaining to other people’s lives and experiences are still coming in through your own lenses, of the concept you have of that person, of the expectations and beliefs you have about them. This is why you shouldn’t bother with anything but yourself. Because it’s a waste of energy. Because everything you will ever perceive will come through you first. You can’t experience anything but yourself, your beliefs and your expectations. If you believe others can influence your reality then you are living from fear and you are giving your power away.

i hear things like time is an illusion, the 3D is an illusion, circumstances don’t matter, we are all gods of our reality. but WHERES the proof??

Instead of trying to manifest things in order to “see proof”, just let things happen and watch yourself during the process. Start really paying attention to what you’re thinking and feeling on a daily basis. Notice that your thoughts and reactions come from a certain state of being. Notice how people act in ways that you expect them to, because “that’s just how they are”.No, it’s because that’s the concept you hold of them in your reality, and they treat you according to the concept you hold of yourself. By doing this you will start to realize the connection between what has shown up in your life so far, and the person you were identifying with within. And when I say identifying with, I don’t mean something like an affirmation such as “I’m confident”. Your identification and basically your self concept comes from your perspective, the way you see things, the way you react to things and the way you act, the thoughts you have and what you accept as true. Those will show you who you really are.

i can’t blindly follow people’s success stories because im not them

The thing with success stories is that as much as they can be motivational, the process and the factors are always the same. They succeeded because they managed to change their mindset, they entered a new reality (within), they changed their dwelling place (the state of being they return to the most) and their outer reality simply reflected that change. Their circumstances are irrelevant and the only thing setting them apart is the techniques they used and how long it took for them to actually shift their mindset and accept the new reality they wanted. Techniques are not really that relevant because they only serve to aid you into moving states. So at this point it’s really just about what works best for you.

i affirm and persist and nothing shows up and im worried im doing it all wrong so i ask and now I’m even affirming wrong??

There’s no such thing as affirming wrong. And please take affirming off the pedestal. It’s just a technique and you don’t need to use it if it’s troubling you. Affirmations are just thoughts you would be having if you were living in the end. So their purpose is only to help make you feel like you are living in the wish fulfilled. There’s no point in affirming all day long if you keep feeling like you’re in the same old shitty reality. Again it’s the same thing I’ve been saying before. You can’t affirm for two opposite things at the same time and get the result you want. Use affirmations as much as you like but watch yourself for the rest of the time.

The reason this isn’t a trying process is because you’re not attempting to do anything to get something. You are simply being in a different way. You are changing your mind, changing your thoughts, choosing better feelings. This is a lifestyle change. If you accept the law, your entire perception changes. Nothing is ever the same as it used to be. This can be a hard pill to swallow but at some point you gotta be honest with yourself. There is no trying. There is only doing and there is only being.

i am not usually agitated but it’s exhausting.

I’m so exhausted and I just want to get what I want

You’re exhausted because you keep going back and forth between what you want and what has shown up. You need to pick one side and stick to it. You need to dive so deep into the feeling of what you want to the point where thinking the opposite feels unnatural. I know you don’t wanna hear this but thinking you’re doing something wrong really is also getting in your way. Think about it this way: you’re in the end goal, you’re there, it’s done, you got it. Would you be thinking about ANY of this stuff if that was the case? Would you be doubting and having all these fears and looking around everyday to make sure it’s still there? We both know you wouldn’t.

You just can’t have it and wonder where it is at the same time. You have to stick to the end goal and reject anything that contradicts that.

I know manifestation is supposed to be easy and not feel like a chore but how can it not when everything I desire is of so much importance to me

People say manifesting is easy and fun because you’re just supposed to satisfy yourself within by giving yourself what you want. If it feels like a chore then you're not giving yourself what you really want. You are focusing on what you think you should be doing and you are also keeping yourself hostage to your unwanted circumstances. If your desires are so important to you then stop putting conditions on them, stop looking for excuses to deny yourself of them. Get drunk in the feeling and the knowing of their fulfilment. Let go of all the doubts and fears, turn your back on your senses telling you it’s not here yet. Be stubborn and stop taking no for an answer.

You’re coming from a place of: I have all these unwanted circumstances and I want to have xyz instead, but no matter what I do, things aren't changing.

If you had xyz by now, would you still be repeating the unwanted circumstances in your head? Would you be thinking about them? Would you be reacting to them? Would you be identifying with this version of yourself that can’t get what you want?

No! You would be living your life, doing the things you enjoy, your duties and responsibilities, resting in the knowledge that you got that desire. It’s a reality now. It’s part of your life. You’d be living from that perspective.

You're keeping the unwanted stuff in place by reaffirming them, by looking at it everyday and going “yep, still here!”, you’re still accepting it as true for you. You can’t keep your attention on something without getting more of it. You need to die to the unwanted reality. Never to be seen again.

I’ve done self concept but I keep breaking.

Self concept is not a technique that you do once a day. Self concept is who you are. It’s how you behave and what you think all the time, every day, all day. It's what you believe and accept as true for you in all aspects. I think this community has been breaking up the law into bits and pieces, as if there are all these separate factors and steps you need to take, and it’s done more damage than good because it’s actually literally all the same thing, it’s all connected. Once you change through the means of one aspect, the other aspects change automatically. Self concept, mental diet, states, it’s all connected, they all lead to the same destination, you. Neville uses these terms interchangeably, to get his point across in the best way he sees fit at that moment, but he’s always talking about the same thing. So bottomline is that if you “keep breaking”, then you’re still in the process of change, you’re going from one state to the other, from unwanted to wanted. Back and forth. You’re still falling for the illusion of the 3d world and you’re still feeling the pull of your old story. You need to take a stand and decide that enough is enough. No longer accept what you don’t want. You’re the only one making the choice here. No one is forcing you to stay in the unwanted mindset but your own habits and comfort zone.

I don’t even know what affirmations to use to combat my limiting beliefs. Tbh I’m tired. I keep failing and failing because I affirm and persist but I affirm wrong or I have a limiting belief that hasn’t been uncovered yet.

Look, there’s nothing to combat here. There’s no war going on. It’s all just you. You don’t have any blocks or limiting beliefs you need to overpower. This isn’t a good perspective to hold. You ARE the power. I fought these types of statements for a long time but I can understand it now. You need to stop focusing on limiting beliefs or blocks. Stop thinking AND believing that you have problems that are getting in your way and that you need to overcome them. By holding this perspective, you’re only going to create more problems to overcome. Remember what I’ve been saying that you’re in the end now? Are there any blocks in the end? When the wish is fulfilled? I don’t think so and neither do you! I want you to take the challenge to declare to yourself that you no longer have any limitations. It’s all gone! You’re free now! I want you to wake up everyday and before you get out of bed, you remind yourself that hey, all that stuff is gone now! Nothing to worry about anymore! How good is that?!

I feel like if someone explained to me how this works and how to do it with no mistakes and how to keep faith in the unseen, I could actually get what I want.

You keep the faith in the unseen by believing and trusting in yourself. If you accept that you can do anything, that you deserve what you want, that you are the operant power and that everything is coming FROM you, then you know all you need is yourself. Idk it truly is a leap of faith, you need to make a choice. Do you want to live by what is outside of you, or by what’s within you? If you accept the law as true, then you have no choice but to start living by what’s within you. If you’re still sitting there thinking that your world is ruled by the circumstances outside of you then you don’t believe a tiny bit in any of this stuff. You’re truly wasting your time if you hold that perspective in place.

Okay I hope this whole essay I spent hours on helps! Now let’s get you those recs!

You can read most if not all of Neville's work for free here: https://realneville.com/

These are my current favorite Neville Based Teachers:

I am Love / Feeling Twisty (he's also on apple podcasts and spotify I believe)

Here's my own personal playlist of Neville based videos on youtube

There's a LOT of good stuff on reddit tbh, here's pretty much everything I have saved from there:

(ps.: it's good to check the comments on reddit posts because there's usually discussions happening and you can find some good pointers)

EdwardArtSupplyHands Series / Quote

ALLISMIND:

Feelings are your power

How thoughts and beliefs become reality

Overthinking

Superman's way of life

Thinking positive

Living from the Law

There's no reality

You don't believe in the Law

Nothing will change your mind

(ps.: he has A LOT of content, these are just the few I looked into)

Other posts:

Change your mind

It's Real. Success Story

Decide what you want

Self concept and personality

Self concept and self love

Letting go of control

Don't rationalize it

The state of the wish fulfilled

Checkmate 3D

Planting the seeds

Don't react

Faith and Knowledge

Slacker Manifesting

Persistence assumption

Don't complicate it

All you need is reassurance

Brazen Impudence

Manifesting is easy

Practical guide

Why circumstances don't matter

Commit to your desire

Ignore the Outside

Clarifying the Law for beginners

(ps.: These aren't 100% accurate tittles, just based on the actual tittles)

#law of assumption #neville goddard #answered asks #o #tag

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cherripeach · 4 years

Text

Chapter 7

Little Match Maker

Summary: Your life motto is “I have the power of god and anime on my side, don’t mess with me,” and you stand by that with your life. No human, magician, or random creature could ever stop your firm belief in it.

However, getting transported to this world that seemed to turn your already bad luck worse was not what you wanted to be in your life story, but you made the most of it. Making friends, enemies, and disasters, you were in your prime in this world, and so you decided to help as many people as you could flourish, at least what you believed to be.

Prologue 14-18: i have the power of god and anime on my side

Chapter Summary: So a normal anime battle, right?

Warnings: Curse words, kinda jokes about death

Words: 3.4k

Relationships: developing but future twstxreader

Walking through the mirror portal was like walking through a fever dream on drugs: directions weren’t a thing and every color was being blasted through your eyelids into your eyes and once you opened them because the colors calmed down, you think you saw a talking cat who smiled and waved at you in there.

All three of you with Grim on your hip stumbled out of the portal to this new forest area.

Problem with the forest was nothing was moving. No noises from birds. No wind blowing the trees. No crunch of the leaves on the ground by any animals. No footsteps. Nothing.

Your eyes surveyed the land and only found the forest deserted. Even the little cabin in front of you did not look like it had been touched in years. There were holes in the roof and cobwebs all over the house. And there were no lights on in the entire house.

You and the color duo had the same thought and locked eye contact with a cringe on each of your faces, absolutely not ready for anything.

So you began your journey with Red in front of you and Blue behind.

Blue looked around the forest, and then looked back to you and Grim, “So this is Dwarf’s Mine...It used to be prosperous, thanks to magic crystal mining but…”

Grim spoke up, “Uuuuhh.. Feels like something could jump out…” and slipped further into your arms.

You held on a little tighter to your cat and voiced your opinion, “Feels like someone died or something... “ You paused and decided to get this moment over with, “What are your names again? Like full name…”

Red just rolled his eyes and turned to face you, “Are you actually kidding me? You're such a dumbass…” He rolled his eyes and faced forward and continued to move forward to only mutter, “Ace Trappola, loser.”

Deuce pulled up by your side and sympathized with your struggles, “It’s okay. I’m Deuce Spade,” and he rubbed the back of his neck with his hand, “I’m not really good with names either, and I have to ask all the time.” A small smile appeared on his face.

Ace grabbed back your attention while announcing his founding of the house you already knew about, “Oh, there's a house back there. Let's go ask them about the mine”a

You were not for this, “You sure that house isn’t haunted. I’m not okay with going into a haunted house and dying with people I’ve barely met.”

Ace was not in the mood and twisted his head to stick out his tongue at you, “Shut it, dumbass.”

You four finally got to the door of the cottage or cabin, and you realized that the cottages looked a lot like the Dwarf’s House in Snow White which you really should have put together when Deuce called the area the ‘Dwarf’s Mine.’

Once all three of you stopped at the door, Ace, the genius he is, decided to knock on the door as if anyone would answer. He even called out to those inside, “Good evening..” until he realized that no one was home, “I guess it’s abandoned …” Then, his next great idea was going inside which totally is not a crime of breaking in and entering, “It’s a mess in here.”

Grim jumped out of your arms to get into the cottage and began his exploration which landed him right in a spider web where he spit out pieces onto the floor,“ Puwah! I got a spider web in my face.. Peh! Peh!”

Ace moved over to the table, “Aren't the tables and chairs on the small side? Are they for kids? One, two... There's seven! So many!”

“I don’t know about you, but I think that dwarfs might have lived here,” You had to make a sarcastic remark at his lack of judgement.

But of course none of them heard you or acknowledged you until a light bulb flashed over Deuce’s head while he brought up something similar to you,“This was probably a lively home when Dwarfs' Mine flourished.”

Your face fell while you could only shake your head at the audacity (of this bitch), look away from him, and mutter, “Well, no shit, sherlock.”

Ace brought your attention back to the task at hand, “They did what they had to. After all, magic crystals are found inside coal. For now, let's go check it out.“

And so all three of you ventured out of the cottage into the forest. Heading through the forest, you discovered something when looking at the sky: The Neverland Star was in the sky. You had to ponder for a minute if what if you actually were in a world where all things that happened in Disney Movies existed. You pushed that aside the moment you thought of it and laughed because ‘Naw, there’s no way that could happen and certainly not to you. You weren’t some Y/N from a fanfic where their parents sold them to Harry Styles.’

The more you followed the terrible forest path the less the path could be seen; years of no use made the path basically nonexistent. But the mine was the worst: broken pieces of wood and metal were thrown about like it something happened when it was closed, grass was growing from the train tracks, and not a single forest creature was in sight.

Grim studied the vibe for a minute and freaked out, “W-we're gonna go in that pitch black cave!?” He could only cling back onto your cloak for protection as if you could protect even yourself.

“Scared? Lame.” Ace rolled his eyes and emerged first from the four of you in horror at the mine.

Grim threw your cloak back in your direction and crossed his arms, “Naaanh!? I'm not s-scared at all! I'm taking the lead! You guys, follow me!“ Grim pranced to get in front of the three of you and entered the mine.

Everything was going well until two ghosts emerged from within the mine, creating chaos from the four of you.

The ghost’s could only reply to your chaos with, “Heeee hee hee! Our first visitor in ten years!” from one and, “Make yourselves at home. For eternity!” from another.

And all three of you raced away from the ghosts.

Ace could not help but panic, “This place is haunted with ghosts, too!”

Deuce tried to handle the situation, “We don't have time to deal with them one by one. Let's go!”

But Ace is Ace, “Don't think you can just order me around. If you hadn't done something so idiotic, we wouldn't be in this mess.“

“You wanna talk about who started it? It's cause you wouldn't clean!”

“It started when that furball burned the Queen of Hearts' statue!"

Grim tried to save his dignity, “Ffgna! That's what you get for making a fool outta me!”

Deuce set the objective again to the two idiots, “All of you! Do you understand our situation right now? We're all expelled if we don't get back with a magic crystal by tomorrow morning!”

You just couldn’t stand the arguing of these boys. They were worse than children arguing over a favorite toy.

Ace flicked his hand at Deuce and voiced his attitude, “So stop patronizing me. It's really ticking me off.”

“Will you all just shut up and run? Is it that hard to comprehend in your tiny brains that this is a situation where we could all I don't know..d i e? Either get your asses out of here and follow me or I’ll leave you in here.” You grabbed Grim and put him back on your hip.

“...on’t….ive….wo....” A ghastly voice spoke from far in front of your group.

Everyone jumped.

Ace peered around the cave only stopping to lock his frantic gaze onto yours, “W-who said that...”

“St...one....sssss.....mine..” The voice murmured.

“I think it's... getting closer…” Deuce whispered-yelled at you.

“Stone.... IS MIIIIIIIIIIINNNEEEE!!” A creature with a broken glass head with tar or a substance like gasoline leaking out of the broken area. The creature had a red coat with a belt and a brown hat on top of its broken glass head.

All three of you jumped with wide eyes and open mouths and screeched, “I-It's heeeeeeeeeeeree!!!!”

You with Grim in your arms, Deuce, and Ace all scrambled to get out of the cave with the monster, pushing and shoving the others to get out of the way and get through. You ended up tripping on a rock

A new section of the cave came into view while the monster was still chasing after your group. And even after you three sprinted through the cave, you did not stop until the monster’s footsteps could not be heard from behind you.

You three came to a halt and you let Grim stand up in order for you to place your hands on your knees so that you could take a break and breathe after the run you just had. The other two boys followed your same form and let out large puffs of air.

Deuce stood back up while still exhaling air, “What the heck is that thing?!”

Grim clutched your cloak as he hid under it this time, “Ffgnaaaaaaa!!” He almost pulled your pants down, “Crowley didn't say anything about that!! Let's get outta here!” He tugged your cloak in the opposite direction of the cave.

Ace fixed himself and thought out loud, “It’s so nasty,” but he placed his hand on his chin and finished with, “But didn't it mention a 'stone'!?” He did peace signs and moved his fingers up and down to signify he was quoting the beast.

Grim’s mouth flew open wide while he voiced his opinion of the monster with a solid, “Eehh??”

He was lost in his confusion until the monster appeared behind him again, “St....one, won't....give...!” The monster seemed pretty strung up about this stone which made you pause for a minute and think. Why is this monster here in the first place? And why does this monster need this stone? Is it like its source of magic like the chandelier or something?

Deuce had a cry of “Eureka!” by proclaiming about the magic crystals, “So there really are magic crystals left!”

Grim’s response was plain, “N-n-n-n-n-nope! Nope! I'm a genius, but I can't beat that thing!” He was still clutching onto your cloak while pointing at the monster.

Deuce curled his fist up, “But we'll be expelled without it.. I'm going!” and he threw it up in the air.

Ace’s wide eyes locked with yours, “You’ve gotta be kidding!?”

“Well, if we are gonna do this and get this stone, we gotta do this right.” You threw your hands on your hips and your lips twitched up.

Deuce now had both of his hands in fists while proclaiming, “I cannot, under any circumstances, be expelled!”

The monster was not hearing any of it, “Leave! Leave!! Leeeeeaave!!!”

And so the three and the monsters began to fight. Grim had to jump out of his hiding spot, and he would spit fire at the monster every couple of steps that the monster was taking. Ace and Deuce kept hitting the monster with common attacks that they knew. But you realized something sooner than they did.

So you yelled at them, “Idiots, nothing is working. Get your butts out of here if you want to live!”

They, of course, would not listen to you and continued to fire their attacks at the monster, and even when Grim noticed the attacks weren’t working and informed the others with a “I-It's not working at all!” they still continued to fight.

It was only when you found a sparkly light at the end of the tunnel did your scream of “Dudes, there is a crystal thing here!” spurred them to listen to you.

Ace turned and found the crystal just as you did, “Behind that thing! At the end of the tunnel, something...”

Deuce nodded, “That light, is it a magic crystal!?”

And once the monster hollered at the group of you again about how he “WON’T GIVE” your group the crystal, you made the assumption that there was at least one crystal left.

Grim turned back to you and called for the others to get out of the mine as soon as possible because there was no way they were gonna win now.

You grabbed Grim once he made grabby hands at you and started to dash down the mine in the opposite direction of the creature.

You three ended up making it back to the little cottage before you stopped.

Grim panted even though he was on your hip the entire time, “Is this far enough?”

Ace was still stupefied, “Ooooww.. What in the world was that? No one said anything about that!”

Deuce was also lost in confusion, “It didn't seem like any old ghost.”

Ace sighed in defeat, “Let's give up and go home. I'd rather get expelled than fight that thing.”

Deuce looked incredulously at Ace, “Wha!? Don't screw with me! I'd rather die than face expulsion! There's a magic crystal in front of us and you wanna go home!” Deuce gripped Ace’s collar and pulled the boy in front of his face.

Ace scoffed, “Ha. You talk big for someone worse at magic than me. Go alone if you want. I'm done.” Ace pushed Deuce’s hands off of him and started walking away from the direction of the mine.

Deuce snapped, “Oooh, that right? Then stay right there cowering like a spineless coward!”

Ace’s face swiveled around, “Huuuuh?? Coward?? Who exactly are you talking about?”

Grim’s hands tigented around your shirt, “U-uuuh... Deuce. Did you switch up your character?” His head tilted to the side.

Deuce coughed, “Huh! A-ahem! My bad. I lost my composure a bit.”

You decided that if any time is good, now is the perfect time for your opinion, “Okay dudes, let’s use what we have. We know that magic can help us in this situation, but being a dumbass won’t. All three of you need to actually use your brains and remember that you don’t have to do this alone.” You placed your hand on your chin, “If one magic alone does not work with our level, maybe magic combined could work. There is always the power of friendship if we really need it.”

Ace’s eyes narrowed in either disgust or confusion, “Well, yeah we can only do small stuff that we are good at. That’s why we have schools for magic, so that we can practice a lot to use magic just as it comes to mind. You’ll screw up if you lose your cool.”

Your eyes sparkled, “So what you are saying is I’m right and that we do need to work together as you are all inexperienced magicians that can barely do anything!” This was just what you needed.

Ace continued and ignored you, “Shut up. Stuff you're good at, you can go off instinct.”

Deuce voiced his decisions, “At any rate, I'm going in there. I'll figure out how to beat that thing and come back with a magic crystal.”

Ace rolled his eyes at Deuce, “However, judging by the chandelier incident, you're a complete idiot. You couldn't land a single hit earlier, but now you'll 'figure it out'? It's going to end the same.”

Deuce’s eyes narrowed at Ace, “Come again!? You think…”

Grim tugged on your cloak to get your attention, “Here they go again. Can you stop it?”

A sigh came out of your mouth to launch you into your rant, “Will both of you put your dicks away and calm down? For Pete’s Sake, I really thought your brains would be bigger than your dick, but now I’m just assuming that your brain is nonexistent…” Your hand ran through your hair, “Please, I beg for you to listen to me for one second. Get your head out of your ass and realize that you, all of you, need to work together as a team and think with your heads to defeat this monster. Capiche?” You closed your eyes and smiled as wide as you could.

Both of the students looked at you like you just told them that the world would end, and ended up yelping after their eyes met yours.

Grim covered his ears with his paws, “Waah. Why are you shouting all of the sudden?”

You opened your eyes and obtained a resting bitch face, “Either you suck it up and realize that you can’t do anything alone or you can go try again and maybe you’ll have a good short death.” Your smile appeared back on your face.

Deuce deflated, “Guuhh... B-but... What exactly should we do?”

“We have to have a plan for this to work,” You knew you had to put your head together.

Ace still had disgust in his eyes, “Strategy? You mean get along and work together. Ha! That's cold. You have no problem saying lame things with a serious face, huh.”

Deuce bobbed his head, “Disagreed. No way I'm working with this loser.”

Grim shook his head, “But... I feel like it's way lamer to get expelled on the first day of school.”

Ace stuttered, “U-uh, that’s…”

Deuce stared at his shoes.

“So, are you finally gonna listen to me?” You smiled and ran your hand through your hair.

Ace groaned, “....haaaahh.. Fine! We just have to get it done, right! So, what's your plan?”

And all three of you then had a discussion about what you were going to do to defeat the monster. Neither of the males had any ideas, so it depended all on your ideas. Later, you three ended up at the opening of the mine with confident looks on your faces, empty stomachs, and worn out bodies.

Grim, shaking next to you and gripping the end of your cloak, gazed up into your eyes, “You... really think it'll go as planned? I'm sca... no, just nervous.”

“Hey, Grim,” You pet the top of his head right next to his ears, “Nothing bad will happen to us. You just have to believe in yourself and everyone else.”

Ace slapped you back, “Haha, you're too stiff. Just go with the flow. Let's get this over with!”

All three of you strutted into the mine as if you knew what you were doing, but you didn’t.

Grim jumped in front of you and waved his arms all around, “Hey, beasty! O-o-o-over here!”

The monster ended up sprinting at you which makes sense because before it ran at you, you cupped your mouth and yelled, “Hey, whore, bet you never passed elementary school!” And then stuck out your tongue at the monster.

Grim sprung up and went in the opposite direction you did screaming, “Gah! It’s coming!”

While you tried to doge the monster, the monster growled, “Grrr!There... thief... too. Won't give... Mine... Mine!!”

The monster’s growls and shrieks soon turned into wails and cries. You paused your run to observe the monster who was in the middle of fighting Ace and Deuce because Ace decided to punch the monster in the monster’s face of glass. (Grim ended up cheering at Ace’s punch) This monster you had now learned was not mad at you but was probably attached to the mine and especially to the crystal with how the monster’s screams turned to cries.

(‘Great character analysis!’ You thought while patting yourself on the back.)

You surveyed the outfit of the monster once more, and you learned that it was much more familiar than you thought.

A light bulb went off in your head because the outfit looks like one of the seven dwarfs outfits, and, of course, now when you need it you forgot what they all look like.

You had to get everyone’s attention, especially the monster’s, “Hey hey hey! I’m gonna steal the crystal if you don’t run after me!”

The monster stomped after you out of the mine and into a big meadow roaring, “Go away! Go away!!!”

And with a wave of your hand, the three magicians in your group did a grand attack. All of them were yelling their movies like basic anime heroes.

(‘Am I in an anime?’ flew through your mind for a second, but your slowly pushed it down)

You knew that this was your only chance because the monster was stuck in all of their attack, “I’ll go get it, don’t worry!”

The three of them high fified and talked a little bit about how just amazing their combined attack was. You were spirinting into the mine, tripping on some of the rocks and slipping on a puddle of muck from the monster. The crystal slowly came into view and you went in that direction.

Large, booming footsteps were heard from behind you causing you to circle around to the noise and find not only the monster racing toward you but your idiotic boys following after it.

Ace hollered at you, “Watch Out!”

The monster even though the boys were still attacking it ignored everything and sprinted straight for you and the crystal.

You had to jam your hands into the rocks surrounding the crystal and pull as hard as you can which honestly was not a lot. Your hands were soon donned with scraps and cuts from the rocks surrounding it, and finally after using a piece of metal from the train tracks behind you, you got out the crystal with the monster not on your ass but almost.

When the monster locked sight onto the crystal in your hand, a sickening screech flew through the air, “Hands ooooofffffffff!!”

Deuce, Ace, and Grim all began panicking and trying to find out what to do by actually asking each other.

However, your biggest priority was to get out of the monster’s range, so you had to do something that could get you killed possibly.

(At least unless you wanted to go deeper into the mine which honestly was a worse idea than facing the monster in front of you).

The monster could almost reach out and grab you now so you performed your amazing save: you kneeled to the ground as the monster was still running at you causing the monster to trip and fly right over you into a wall of rocks. Since the monster was now a little caught up, you stood up and rushed to get the boys who you pulled by their sleeves as they were still arguing and forced them to follow you out of the mine once and for all.

Grim surveyed your hand and ordered the others, “We got the magic crystal! Let’s skedaddle!”

Ace looked back at the monster, sighed, then turned to Grim, and shouted, “Roger!”

The monster ended up gaining focus quicker than you expected because it appeared right behind you as the exit to the cave came in sight.

Ace incredulously gazed at the monster, “You're kidding!? It knocked off all that stuff and came after us!”

Deuce cursed and then remarks, “Shoot, it’s gonna catch up to us!”

You noticed that the monster did not stop even when all of you were close to the cottage in the woods, and you knew that it was because the monster is dead set on getting the crystal out of your hands, “There’s no way it’s gonna let us go. Either we end this now or die trying, so let’s go.” You halted your run and faced the monster with your fists in the air.

Ace sighed, “Aaah, fine! Let's finish it! Don't let me down, Mr. Serious!”

Deuce's eyes flicked to yours and then Ace, “You too.”

Grim jumped in front of you, “I’ll show off my true power!”

All three of them ended up using their magic together to defeat the monster, and even though they all came out of the battle close to dead they still cheered and celebrated with each other with shouts and highfives.

A breath of relief passed your lips, “Now this is when you confess your love for each other?” You locked eyes with first Ace and Deuce.

“Knock it off!” Ace and Deuce yelped at you.

It seemed they have become so much in sync that they are even imitating each other.

Deuce continued with red cheeks, “...Ah. N-no. This is nothing like that!”

Ace added, rubbing the back of his neck, “Y-yeah, yeah! Could you stop saying weird things?”

Grim puffed out his chest and bloated, “W-we won, thanks to my genius!...It's not because we pooled our strength!”

You turned to Ace and shook your head causing Ace to run his hand through his hair and frown, “...I guess making excuses is pretty lame. I hate to admit it but we won thanks to your plan.”

Deuce slowly nodded, “... True. We got the magic crystal because you gave us level headed instructions. We can prevent our expulsion this way. ... I'm so relieved.”

You smiled at the two, “Everyone did their part, and now we can finally relax.”

Ace finished it off, “Yeah, yeah. We're all relieved. And seriously worn-out and battered. Let's go home.”

Grim pulled your coat and remarked how starving he was, but all you could think about was a change of clothes and a bath, so him eating a black crystal or whatever did not really bother you, not even when the other two boys were yelling at him not to.

Deuce let out a cheer of excitement and a breath of plain exhaustion, “Switching gears, let's get this magic crystal to the headmaster!”

Everything was finally going your way. For now.

~~~

It be very cute how my laptop now does not work

#twst #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #ace trappola #deuce spade #twst grim

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gothamcityneedsme · 4 years

Photo

I saw this bouncing around my dash and decided to fill it out myself for fun :) I decided to not double-list any games, and I tried to mix up the companies I used too so that the list would be more unique.

Long post, so I’m doing a readmore for my longwinded part lol.

(read more)

Favorite Game: Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic 2: The Sith Lords - I could talk about this game forever. How it tears apart the Star Wars universe from within, how it creates a compelling story while challenging the usual themes, etc. I could talk for ages about the characters and how their motivations slot in place, and how this game lends itself to interpretation and analysis alongside roleplay. It’s just a wonderful game, one I deeply love and will always love. It’s a game that isn’t afraid to have you talk to other characters for twenty or thirty minutes at a time and honestly I’m always riveted at every line. This game deserves the cult fanbase it has, but I think there’s a lot the fanbase misses in appreciating this game. (Note...gameplay is a little janky and a community made mod restores a lot content that was cut before shipping-the game wasn’t properly finished).

Best Story: Fallout New Vegas - It’s the setting that makes the story here, and all the moving pieces and factions alongside the main conflict really make this game stand out. There’s so many little pieces to find along the way in the world and the way the main quest splits based on who you want in power feels important--and you are choosing a future for this whole region.

Favorite Art Style: The Witness - This game is peacefully wonderful with its visuals. There are wonderful nature scenes and nests of wires and panels spreading in various parts of the island that are fascinating to look at. The environment is half of the gameplay in most areas, so it’s important to look around even though exploration is not really the gameplay. You find puzzles in the world, even in nature, and it’s fascinating. The colors are bright and beautiful. There is even a map in the middle of the island inside of a lake that helps you track your progress if you notice it (it isn’t like a normal ‘map’).

Favorite Soundtrack: Shin Megami Tensei IV - I love video game soundtracks, but SMTIV is something special. The music booms in ways that make you really understand the atmosphere of the world, and there’s a great mix of different kinds of tracks for different places. I love the tracks for the other worlds you enter, and the themes of the different routes are done so well. Some of the music draws from past SMT games, but the remixes done for this game really are stunning to me, and there’s so many fantastic original tracks.

Hardest Game: I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream - I love this game but I literally never touch it without a walkthrough, which is why it gets to be the hardest game on the list, despite being a point and click adventure game lol. Also just emotionally this game is challenging too, but I definitely mean this more in terms of getting a ‘perfect run’.

Funniest Game: The Stanley Parable - Trying to make this list has taught me that I don’t really play many ‘funny games’. I don’t know if a game where multiple endings demand that you kill yourself should count as a ‘funniest game’, but it is also a game where the narrator tells you to stare at a fern and memorize its features, so....it counts.

Game I Like that is Hated: RWBY Grimm Eclipse - I’ve been playing this game since it was in early access and have loved it the whole time. I find the gameplay soothing and fun, and I like playing the different characters. It’s a game I play to chill out and just enjoy some fun battle mechanics. It’s a fun game and I’ve spent over 100 hours in it, so I hope I like it, lol.

Game I Hate that is Liked: Nier Automata - Neither this game’s gameplay or story impress me, and the fact that you have to replay basically the same stuff from a more boring-to-play-character’s pov in order to SEE all of the plot is a huge damper on the experience. The story, to me, someone who engages with a lot of robot-focused fiction, is far from impressive or new, and it hardly engages with genre specifics at all, let alone in a new or interesting way. I view this game as ‘a story with robots in it’ rather than ‘a story about robots’, which, to me, is a detriment.

Underrated: Nevermind - This game is amazing and very unheard of--and when it is heard of, it has been marketed incorrectly. Nevermind seems like a horror game, and does market itself as one a bit, but it’s much more than that. It’s more about trauma, recovery, therapy, etc. This is a game that is so mindful about the topics it engages in that I am impressed by it every time. It’s heavy with symbolism and character, despite lacking conversations or other similar game mechanics. This is a lovely game that I really wish more people knew about-`p5-all of the patients are so interesting, and the focus on recovery and mental health is impressive.

Overrated: Fire Emblem - I sort of mean this as the series as a whole really. I have enjoyed the entries I have played somewhat, but I overall consider the series much less impressive than I was led to believe by others. The gameplay especially is not impressive to me in any regard, even though I sometimes do find myself enjoying it. The stories are alright, but many of them are weighed down by the gameplay and as a writer and person who likes to analyze writing, it’s very hard to do so when it isn’t able to fully exist under the chains the gameplay forces on it. There are ways to mix gameplay and story well, Fire Emblem has not really done that in any of the entries I’ve played. That being said, I don’t regret playing them, and I will occasionally replay, but I consider them mediocre games at best.

Best Voice Acting: Devil Survivor 2 - I love the voice acting in this game. I feel like all the characters are really suited to their voices, and it’s really easy for me to visualize their voices. They really bring the game to life and make both the dramatic and the funny scenes more enjoyable.

Worst Voice Acting: Jedi Knight Jedi Academy - I love this game, I really do, but some of the voice acting is janky. Some of it is okay too--I think Kyle Katarn’s voice actor does fine, and some of the others I like NOW but hated when I was a kid, but the male protagonist voice in this game is just awful. Which is bad when Jennifer Hale is the female voice actress lol. His performance is passable though unless you’re playing darksided--the darksided ending to the game lacks all punch when you’re playing the male protagonist.

Favorite Male: Battler Ushiromiya from Umineko no Naku Koro Ni - He’s the protagonist for most of the visual novels and I adore him utterly, especially once you move past episode 2. He’s a wonderful character who I care about deeply. I love his drive and how he fights--he’s someone who is easy to cheer for. He matures well throughout the series and his character development is just wonderful.

Favorite Female: Naoto Shirogane from Persona 4 - I really like how Naoto fits so well in the game, especially for being a final recruit--oftentimes the final recruit of Persona games (post 3) have a bit of a more difficult time feeling right with the group. Naoto works really well though, and I love her struggles and story as well. I think the difficulties she has concerning living as a woman in her field hit very deep to a problem that has existed for a very long time.

Favorite Protagonist: Connor of Daventry from King’s Quest 8 Mask of Eternity - I’m like, one of four fans of this character in the world, lol. KQ8 is not a very well liked game and it does have a lot of issues, both with age and with how much of a departure it is from the series prior to it. It’s strange to take a puzzle adventure game and make it a hybrid with what basically is a shooter, and it doesn’t really work. Add to that the fact that you spend most of your time in the game without anyone around to talk to and it leads to this really polarizing and weird experience. For me, Conner goes through what I would consider to be the ‘Ultimate Nightmare Scenario”. Everyone in the world is turned to stone except him (and he survived out of mere chance) and so now it’s up to him, practically alone, to save the entire world. There is no game lonelier than this. I adore him for his bravery in the face of it, and how he just picks up to do what must be done because someone should do it, and if no one else can, then he will. I also really love how he apologizes to people who are encased in stone while he takes money from their houses to help him on his journey. I really do think he went back after the game was over and gave everyone heaps of gold to pay them back with interest lol.

Favorite Village: Oakvale from Fable - The first Fable is the only one I really like, and it was one of the games I played when I was little, so the hometown in the game always meant a lot to me. I like how you grow up there and how your tragic backstory is there--and then how you get to return to the town years later after you’ve come into your own, and you can see it completely rebuilt. I like to spend a lot of my time in this town, just wandering around it and playing the minigames. Even though I have a house in every town, Oakvale is where my hero calls home.

Most Hated Character: Merril from Dragon Age 2 - I don’t really want to lay into how I feel about Merril, but what I will say is that it was suggested to me that I totally ignore her when playing, and I did so. I only met her for her quest, dropped her off in town, and literally never spoke to her or interacted for the rest of the game. I had a much better experience for it, honestly. She appeared after I made my choice in the end of the game, which felt weird since I hadn’t spoken to her in several ingame years, but other than that, the game was totally fine without her. I sort of just wish you could kill characters in DA2 the way you can in DAO, then I’d just do that, tbh. It doesn’t suit very many (or any) of the characters I rp in DA2 to keep her around or support her in any way.

First Game I Played: Mixed up Mother Goose Deluxe - I’m not actually sure if this is the FIRST game I’ve ever played or not, but it’s one of the first I played alone as a kid. I really loved it--this is probably what created my love for point and click adventures, and the game was very silly and fun.

Favorite Company: Bioware - I’ve always been a sucker for Bioware games, ever since Knights of the Old Republic 1 was my favorite childhood game. I love how they do stories and party members, and while I’m not a fan of all of their games, I really love what they’ve made and their style of storytelling and character driven plot. Even though sometimes their stories get cliche, I think the suit video games well and most of my early gaming was within their games.

Hated Company: EA - Bioware truly only started to go to shit after the EA acquisition, so I fucking hate EA. I know Bioware had issues before EA too, but I definitely don’t think EA has helped the situation whatsoever.

Depressing Game: The Beginner’s Guide - I relate to this game as a creator and a writer, and it affects me deeply because of the story it tells and the questions it raises. It makes me reflect on how I think of myself as a creator, and it reminds me of friendships I used to have.

Creepy Game: The Path - God, I love this game. It’s just aimlessly wandering around and finding symbolic scenery and watching your current character comment on it. Then, you go off to find your girl’s wolf, and each one is different and unique to her, and you watch it ‘kill’ her--and facing her wolf is the only way each girl can truly mature. Whenever you get to grandmother’s house, the camera switches to first person, and your eyes keep closing, so you can only see while clicking to move. It forces you to keep moving so that you can see, but since you are moving, you only get to see things somewhat vaguely. It’s got a great atmosphere, and I love the symbolic storytelling.

Happy Game: Eastshade - This game is so sweet. There’s some drama around to with many of the quests, but I like this as an rpg without combat, and I think this would be a really good kids game. There’s a lot to see and explore, and the game was made to be really pretty so that you want to paint several aspects of it. It’s really lovely to just wander around in this game and bike around the area, painting anything that suits your fancy. As long as you don’t finish the main quest, you’re free to wander, and materials do respawn, so you essentially can infinitely paint once you get far enough.

Favorite Ending: Virtue’s Last Reward - I love the questions this game asks and where the ending goes. It thematically ties together--the whole reason the game itself exists is to get the attention of a ‘higher being’--the player, essentially. I love how it plays with that concept, and even though the final game in the series doesn’t entirely pick this idea up where this game left it, standalone this game is stunning in how it comes together.

#shitpost #long post #this was fun to do #i made it so every answer was a different video game and i tried to mix up my companies as well #got 3 atlus games on here but mer #2 obsidon #llol #2 sierra too haha but still #beginner's guide and tsp were made by the same guy too but #STILL I LIMITED MYSELF OK #these answers aren't absolute because i was trying to have a good diverse list lol

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mymindsmadness · 5 years

Text

Why I hate seeing the Uchiha logo on Sakura’s shirt/why I don’t ship SasuSaku

DISCLAIMER: I’m not shitting on anyone’s ship. I get it. You love them. You do you booboo, I’m just here to speak my truth. Don’t come at me with comments shitting all over the things I love. You have your opinion and I have mine.

If you are a SasuSaku shipper and you read past this point, you have no one but yourself to blame for your anger!

I’m probably gonna rant a bit, so I’ll start with the bottom line. Sakura and Sasuke’s relationship is one of the most toxic relationships I’ve ever seen.

Unrelated (but kind of related): All the female character are written pretty shitty, and that adds to this whole mess.

Part I [Young Love]:

Okay. I get it. She’s all for Sasuke and he doesn’t give her the time of day. We love a queen that gets hers in the end. The problem is that Sakura’s core personality traits are based off of her obsession. Her wants. Her flaws. Her essence as a [non] person is completely defined by Sasuke’s character. This is even verified when Kakashi asks them about themselves and Sakura literally gives [giggles] Sasuke for every answer.

When they’re tested with the bells, Sakura shows no ninja prowess whatsoever. She shows no skill beyond hiding in a bush. The only time we really see her moving/thinking/talking, is when it’s to ‘rescue Sasuke’. She even refers to him as ‘my Sasuke’ a dozen or so times. Seriously, it could be a drinking game.

During the chunin exams, we see a little more of a backbone from Sakura. But even as she struggles to make herself be seen, she really only wants to be seen by – you guessed it – Sasuke.

When Sasuke gets extra angsty [YOLO style], and tries to leave the village, Sakura tries to go with him. Think about that. Sakura tries to leave the village. Her home. Her family. Her friends. Everything! She does this because the idea of becoming a criminal is more appealing than being left behind by Sasuke.

But you know what? I’ll excuse it. She’s only thirteen at this point. She’s entitled to make stupid choices in the name of puppy love. We’ve all been there, man. And sure, at thirteen all love feels like true love. You know what girl? I forgive you.

Part II [Personal Growth]

At this point, Sakura’s whole character arch is defined by the people that leave her. And I could forgive this – almost. Enter Tsunade. I love Tsunade. I worship Tsunade. She is probably the one female character in the whole show that is as well integrated as the men [if we ignore the fact that her whole backstory is revolved around them]. When Sakura started training with Tsunade, I knew there was about to be an Eye of the Tiger montage. Sure enough, my girl comes through. Come Shippuden, Sakura is kicking ass and taking names [literally]. Better yet, she found her niche in medical ninjutsu [insert joke about how females always play the healers]. She’s got chakra for days and the control of a saint. Piss my girl off? You ‘bout to lose a lung.

Yes, Sakura’s still insecure when it comes to her place among the others, but can we blame her? She had demi-gods as teammates. But it’s different now. Sakura knows she’s a badass. She’s fully aware that her control and strength are something to be proud of. She uses those years of neglect and training to help her comrades!... and chase down Sasuke.

By the beginning of the 4th war, this bitch has lost her damn mind. At this point, Sakura and Naruto have been searching for Sasuke for the last 3 [or so] years. All this time, Sakura is under the impression that she’s in love with him. The times from when Sasuke left to the end of the war, are some of the most defining years in a person’s life. At 13-17 is when a person’s personality really starts to develop and lay out the foundation for the adult they will be.

Part III [All’s Fair]

Now, I’m not saying that Sakura didn’t hold a certain level of love for Sasuke her whole life. It’s very possible. However, there was no way it could be a romantic love. Think about who you were when you were twelve. Now think about who you were at seventeen. Did anything change in that time?

Sakura could not have been in love with Sasuke because she didn’t know who he was. They hadn’t been in contact in years! She had the memory of who he had been on a pedestal, and without him around to alter that image, it became more and more idyllic. By the time Sasuke returned [at the end of the war], Sakura was still in love with the idea of him.

She had put their relationship and romance in the forefront of her mind all of her life. It had been her driving force and defining mindset. When this crazy ass bitch [ily gurl] activated her seal and literally jumped on a pike for her boys, it was the most badass thing she’d ever done. And when she was done with that? She got upset that Sasuke hadn’t noticed/cared. She was fighting for her friends, her family, her village, her life… and all that confidence she had gained was brought down by the fact that the boy she thought she loved didn’t notice.

Part IV [In Which Sasuke Cares… Allegedly]

Remember when Sakura finally got Sasuke to notice her? When he overcame his terminal broodiness and admitted that he was touched that she never gave up hope in him? When he kissed her goodbye with the promise of returning and being worth all of her unfounded love and attention?

Oh… right… that never happened.

I mean… he tapped her forehead like Itachi did to him that one time… Same thing I suppose.

Okay, okay… I might be being a little harsh. I’ll concede that it is a genuine act of affection for Sasuke. But… a minor one. Alright, our broody boi doesn’t like PDA… Still, we’re given no indication that they talked about their feelings before this goodbye. That’s backed up by the fact that she asks to go with him – something she would have done before now if they had. Legit, Naruto got more of a goodbye than Sakura did [two dudes, chillin’ in the woods].

To the best of everyone’s knowledge, Sasuke only stayed in Konoha for about a year after the war. Now, depending if you follow the manga or anime, some of that time might have been in jail. My point is, that a year or less was spent in the village after several years of Sakura loving him from a distance.

At this point, she very well might have learned about the older Sasuke. She might have decided that she did still love him [doubtful on a realistic level]. But then he leaves. We’re not sure for how long, but if we look at Boruto, it’s common for him to leave for long periods of time.

Once again, Sakura is left behind with her memories of the man she thinks she loves [because without a functioning adult relationship, there’s no way to be sure].

Part V [Sakura Achieves Her Nightmare Dreams]

Let’s step into Boruto for this next part. We flash forward to all of our beloved characters in their adult years. I know what you’re thinking ‘Oh! I’ve missed so much! They’re all so grown up!’. Hahaha, don’t worry. They’re not at all the same people.

Since the series is based on the children, we’re forced to fill in some of the blanks ourselves. Sakura – the best medic nin in Konoha. The woman whose strength rivals that of her mentor’s. The woman who mastered the Seal of 100. The woman who grew into her own as a character, even if the driving force was a boy - is living her best life as… a housewife? I mean... maybe?

We don’t know this for sure, and a lot of us hope she runs the hospital or something [because we want all good things for our girl], but have you noticed that she doesn’t wear a headband? A ninja one that is. The girl who worked hard to not be left behind’s whole adulthood is… the woman left behind.

Even if it can be argued that she achieved her goal… has she? Yes, she wanted to be Sasuke’s wife and baby mama since waaaaay too young of an age to be thinking about that shit, but like this? We know from the fact that Sakura fainted when Sasuke came home that he’s rarely there. This means that she probably raised their daughter alone. Even now, she can’t just leave because Sasuke’s always away.

If you think I’m taking libraries with filling in the gaps, I refer you to that one time her daughter basically asked if they were really married. And if you think I’m exaggerating Sasuke’s absence, I refer you to that time he almost killed his fucking daughter because he didn’t know what she looked like!

Let that sink in.

Part VI [In Summation]

Sakura was a girl that grew up with a false ideal of love. She obsessed over a person that didn’t exist and carried that falsehood into her adult life. When presented with everything she thought she had wanted her whole life, Sakura jumped on the chance because it was the logical move. In gaining everything that she thought she wanted, Sakura lost any personal growth that she had gained by the absence of her obsession aka Sasuke.

Sasuke, who had ignored her as a child, tried to kill her as a teen, and barely acknowledged her beyond using her to revive his clan, can’t be bothered to even appreciate her. Even as he leaves again as an adult, he says goodbye to their daughter [again, with an oh-so-affectionate poke], but simply walks away from Sakura.

The truth is that given the way she blushes and faints around him still, Sakura doesn’t know him. She’s still in love with an idea of the man that grew from the boy she had been obsessed with all her life. She wears the Uchiha symbol on her back as a reminder that she did it. She got the guy! True love wins again! I mean… maybe? He’s fucked her at least, so…

There’s a chance that Sasuke loves Sakura. I think he loves her for loving him. At the very least, we know he’s fond of her… I assume.

Sakura was a character that was used to further the plot of a man. Even as an adult, she’s left to sit and pine as the boys go off on their adventures. She’s a woman that’s stuck in a hell of her own creation – even if she loves her daughter and the things that marrying Sasuke has brought her.

There’s ‘getting the guy’ and being trapped in a toxic idealized relationship. How you choose to see this one is up to you.

#anti sasusaku #naruto #sasuke uchiha #sakura haruno #my opinion #rant #toxic relationship

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lesbeet · 4 years

Text

not to be a nerd but i accidentally just wrote a whole impromptu essay about editing ndjsdksksk im throwing it under a cut bc it's fucking inane and really long but honestly... i just want other people to become as passionate about editing as i am lmaooooo

i also recommend 2 books in the post so if anything at least check those out!

quality books about editing... *chef's kiss* a lot of the basic ones (including blog posts online n such) are geared towards beginners and end up repeating the same info/advice, much of it either oversimplified or misrepresented tbh. but i read one yesterday and i'm reading another one right now that really convey this passion for editing + consideration for it as its own sort of art and i just!!

it's such a weird thing to be passionate about lmao but i AM and i've spent a lot of time the past year or so consciously honing my craft (ik i mention this like 4 times a week i'm just really proud of how much i've learned and improved) and kind of like. solidifying my instincts into conscious choices i guess?

and these GOOD editing books have both a) taught me new information and/or presented familiar information through a new perspective that helped me understand something differently or in more depth, and b) validated or even just put into words certain preferences or techniques that i've developed on my own, that i don't normally see on those more basic lists i mentioned

btw the book i finished yesterday is self-editing for fiction writers: how to edit yourself into print by renni brown and dave king, and the one i'm reading currently is the artful edit: on the practice of editing yourself by susan bell.

the former was pretty sharp and straightforward. the authors demonstrated some of their points directly in the text, which was usually funny enough that i would show certain quotes to my sister without context

("Just think about how much power a single obscenity can have if it’s the only one in the whole fucking book." <- (it was)

"Frequent italics have come to signal weak writing. So you should never resort to them unless they are the only practical choice, as with the kind of self-conscious internal dialogue shown above or an occasional emphasis."

or, my favorite: "There are a few stylistic devices that are so “tacky” they should be used very sparingly, if at all. First on the list is emphasis quotes, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. The only time you need to use them is to show you are referring to the word itself, as in the quotes around the word “tacky” in the preceding sentence. Read it again; it all makes sense.")

and like i said, i also learned some new ideas or techniques (or they articulated vague ideas i already had but struggled to put into practice), AND they mentioned some suggestions that ive literally never seen anyone else bring up (not to say no one has! just that ive never seen it, and ive seen a lot in terms of writing tips, advice, best practices, etc) that ive already sort of established in my own writing

for example they went into pretty fine detail about dialogue mechanics, more than i usually see, and in talking about the pacing and proportion of "beats" and dialogue in a given scene, they explicitly suggested that, if a character speaks more than a sentence or two and you plan on giving them some sort of dialogue tag or an action to perform as a beat, the tag or action should be placed at one of the earliest (if not the first) natural pauses in the dialogue, so as not to distance the character too far from the dialogue -- bc otherwise the reader ends up getting all of the dialogue information first, and then has to go back and retroactively insert the character, or what they're doing, or the way they look/sound while they're giving their little speech

and like this was something ive figured out on my own, mostly bc it jarred me out of something i was reading enough times (probably in fic tbh) that i started noticing it, and realized that it's something i do naturally, kind of to anchor the character to the dialogue mechanic to make sure it makes sense with the actual dialogue

so like. ok here's an example i just randomly pulled from the song of achilles (it was available on scribd so i just looked for a spot that worked to illustrate my point djsmsks)

the actual quote is written effectively, but here's a less effective version first:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him. He’s done nothing to me," Achilles answered coolly.

see and even with such a short snippet it's so much smoother and more vivid just by moving the dialogue tag, not adding or cutting a word:

“Perhaps I would, but I see no reason to kill him.” Achilles answered coolly. “He’s done nothing to me.”

the rhythm of it is better, and the beat that the dialogue tag creates functions as a natural dramatic pause before achilles delivers an incredibly poignant line, both within the immediate context of the scene and because we as the readers can recognize it as foreshadowing. plus, it flows smoothly because that beat was inserted where the dialogue already contained a natural pause, just bc that's how people speak. if you read both versions aloud, they both make sense, but the second version (the original used in the novel) accounts for the rhythm of dialogue, the way people tend to process information as they read, AND the greater context of the story, and as a result packs significantly more purpose, information, and effect into the same exact set of words

and THAT, folks, is the kind of editing minutia i can literally sit and hyperfocus on for hours without noticing. anyway it's a good book lmao

the one i'm reading now is a lot more about the cognitive process/es of editing, so there's less concrete and specific advice (so far, anyway) and more discussion about different mental approaches to editing, as well as tips and tools for making a firm distinction between your writer brain and your editor brain, which is something i struggle with

but there have been so many good quotes that ive highlighted! a lot of just like. reminders and things to think about, and also just lovely articulations of things id thought of or come to understand in much more vague ways.

scribd won't let me copy/paste this one bc it's a document copy and not an actual ebook, but this passage is talking about how the simple act of showing a piece of writing to someone else for the very first time can spark a sudden shift in perspective on the work, bc you'll (or at least i) frantically try to re-read it through their eyes and end up noticing a bunch of new errors -

or she talked about the perils of constant re-reading in the middle of writing a draft, which is something i struggle with a LOT, both bc i'm a perfectionist and bc i prefer editing to writing so i sit and edit when i'm procrastinating doing the actual hard work of writing lmao

it's just this side of fake deep tbh but i so rarely see editing discussed like this--as a mixture of art and science, a collaboration between instinct and technique, that really requires "both sides of the brain" to be done well.

and because of the way my own brain works, activities that require such a balanced concentration of creativity and logic really appeal to me. even though ive seen a lot of people (even professional writers) who frame it as the creative art of writing vs the logical discipline of editing. but i think that's such a misleading way of thinking about it, because writing and editing both require creativity and logic -- just different kinds! (not to mention that the line between writing and editing, while mostly clear, can get a little blurry from up close)

but like...all stories have an inner logic to them, even if the writer hasn't explicitly or consciously planned it, and even if the logic is faulty in places in the first couple of drafts. when you're sitting and daydreaming about your story, especially if you're trying to figure out how to bridge the gap between two points or scenes (or, how to write a sequence of events that presents as a logical, inevitable progression of cause and effect), the voice in your head that evaluates an idea and decides to 1) go with it, 2) scrap it, 3) tweak it until it works, or 4) hold onto it in case you want it later? that's your logic! if an idea feels wrong, or like it just doesn't work, it's probably because some part of you is detecting a conflict between some part of the idea and the overall logic of your story. every decision you make as you write is formed by and checked against your own experiential logic, and also by the internal logic of your story, which is far less developed (or at least, one would hope), and therefore more prone to the occasional laspe

but while ive seen a number of articles that discuss the logic of writing, i don't see people gushing as much about the art of editing and it's such a shame

the inner editor is so often characterized as the responsible parent to the writer's carefree child, or a relentless critic of the writer's unselfconscious, unpolished drivel

and it's like... maybe you just hate thinking critically about your work! maybe you view it that way because you're imposing external standards too fiercely onto your writing, and it's sucked the joy out of shaping and sculpting your words until they sing. maybe you prefer to conceive of your writing as divine communication, the process of which must remain unencumbered by lessons learned through experience or the vulnerability of self-reflection, until the buzzkill inner editor shows up with all those "rules" and "conventions" that only matter if you're trying to get published

and like obviously the market doesn't dictate which conventions are worth following, but the majority of widely-agreed-upon writing standards, especially those aimed at beginners, (and most especially those regarding style, as opposed to story structure) have to do with the effectiveness and efficiency of prose, and, in addition to often serving as a shorthand for distinguishing an amateur from a pro, overall help to increase poignancy and clarity, which is crucial no matter the genre or type of writing. and even if you personally believe otherwise, it's better to understand the conventions so you can break them with real purpose.

so editing shouldn't be about trying to shove your pristine artistic masterpiece into a conventional mold, it should be about using the creative instincts of your ear and your logic and experience-based understanding of writing as a craft to hone your words until you've told your story as effectively as possible

thank u for coming to my ted talk ✌️

#long post //#editing #wref #sefa rambles

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sprnklersplashes · 4 years

Text

heart of stone (12/?)

AO3

Cady waits until she’s on the bus home before she lets the smile drop from her face. Her cheeks actually hurt from smiling so much, and they’re not the only thing that hurt.

She wants to not have a problem with this. More than anything. She wants to pretend that she can’t see any difference, or that she’s not affected by this. But she is, and she feels terrible for it. That’s why she spent so much time preparing herself for it. While Janis spent her first night in hospital, she was spending hours researching, calculating the possibility of her hair falling out and coming to the conclusion that the odds were stalked against her. That was the first time she had truly hated math. But Janis’ hair was going to fall out, and so Cady had tried to prepare for it as much as she could; telling herself over and over again that Janis’ looks don’t matter, trying not to spend too long looking at her head. She had even started searching up pictures of cancer patients and looking at them. Not in a creepy way, or at least she had hoped it wasn’t creepy, just to prepare herself for the inevitable.

But as it turns out, nothing could have prepared her for seeing Janis without her hair. The hair she loved running her fingers through and braiding and playing with. The hair that was one of the first things she had noticed about her; a dual-coloured lion’s mane.

She wishes that the first thing she had thought when she saw those photos was ‘I hope Janis is okay’. That she had first thought about her, rather than her own feelings. Rather than what actually happened; her phone almost falling from her hands, her struggling to catch her breath. She wishes and wishes she were perfectly fine with this, and that she and Janis were going on like nothing was happening.

She’s not, and she must be the worst person in the world.

“Hi, Binti,” her mom greets as she steps into the kitchen, her cheeks still cold from outside. She’s at the counter, pan on the stove and veggies being chopped. Or they were. They’ve taken a backseat as her mom looks at her, all wide eyes and downturned mouth. “How’s Janis?”

“She’s fine,” she replies. She pulls her jacket tighter around her as a lump forms in her throat. “You know. Fine as she can be.” The image of Janis crumpling in on herself in the park flashes through her mind and she tenses. As does the image of her poor, hairless head. “She’s okay.”

“Oh, that poor girl,” her mom sighs. Cady nods, her lips tightly closed and her arms crossed over her chest, fingers digging into her jacket. Her mom leaves the dinner aside and approaches her, placing her own hands on her shoulders. Are you okay?”

“Me?” she echoes. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because this is difficult for you,” her mom goes on. You can say that again, she thinks. “And I just think you should be able to talk to us.”

Cady winces at that. She knows her mom is probably thinking about last year; when she kept everything from her, lied to them, became something she wasn’t. If she wasn’t feeling shitty about herself before, she sure as hell is now.

“Well, I’m fine,” she says. “You know, given the circumstances.” She swallows thickly. “I miss her. I miss having her in school and stuff.”

“Oh, I know baby.” Her mom folds her in a tight hug, letting Cady rest her chin on her shoulder. There, in that brief moment of privacy, Cady can feel as much as she needs to. It’s a rush, but it’s a relieving one. “I know how much she means to you. I know it kills you not seeing her.”

Kills her not seeing her. Also kills her seeing her. But she’s not getting into that now. She can’t. The former hurts far more than the latter does, though.

“Hey, what’s for dinner?” Cady asks, blinking her tears away before they get serious. Her mom eyes her, knowing she’s holding something back, but she doesn’t press her.

“Oh, I got this lamb curry recipe from a magazine,” she explains. “Thought I’d give it a shot. Here, tell me what you think…”

She hands Cady a spoon and lets her taste it.

“Oh that’s good, Mom,” she says. “Need any help?”

“Oh, that’d be lovely sweetheart,” her mom chirps. “Well, we’re nearly done, but if you could keep an eye on that rice-”

As they finish up dinner and start serving it out, Cady diverts the subject to work, listening attentively to her mom talking about her latest lecture series, telling her all about the different species of fish in Kenya, reminding her of those times they spent near rivers cataloguing them when she was small. It’s a subject that Cady is genuinely fascinated by; anything involving animals or Kenya is. While most teenagers probably couldn’t care less about the work their parents do, hearing her mom’s stories about teaching at Northwestern or her dad’s latest research excites Cady in a way few other things can. So she gives them her full attention and refuses to let her mind go anywhere else.

She runs up to her room after dinner, hoping she can pick up where she left off. When Janis and Damian showed up, they had actually interrupted her homework. She made an exception for them, obviously, but now it’s back to the grind. She’s done her research on her dream schools and she dares say she could rival her father in that regard, and the grades they’re demanding are tough. Really tough, even with her AP classes. She’s kept on top of everything so far this year, never dipping below a 90 in calculus, but she’s only a month in.

And it’s not just grades that colleges are concerning themselves with. They’re all eager for extra curriculars. At least the Mathletes provide a good basis for that-

“Oh, crap,” she mutters. She opens a drawer and pulls out her Mathlete folder, looking through the schedule she had made for it. She sighs when she sees she’s more or less on top of that too, although she makes a note in her planner to make a start on training the freshman teams for their competition in November.

“Okay,” she says. She pulls her hair into a ponytail and leans back in her chair. She has it all under control, really. Between Mathletes and tutoring, she’s taken on as much as she can right now. She has thought of volunteering behind the scenes in the musical, partly to hang out with Damian, but also because they must need the extra hands, what with Janis being unavailable.

She suddenly sits forward again, hunched over her work. Her cold fingers pick at her nails, tearing pieces off and letting them drop on the carpet. She squirms in the chair, suddenly too restless to sit still. The numbers on the pages and lines in her notes become meaningless to her, her mind overrun with Janis and Janis and cancer and Janis and her hair and Janis.

She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes tight.

“We’re not doing that,” she whispers.

She shakes her head and pulls her textbook towards her, her breathing getting slower and deeper, her go to tactic to straighten her mind out. She makes a start on the chapter, her eyes going back to the beginning again and again until she can focus properly, pushing her worries to the corner of her mind. Janis always says her art calms her worries, helps her forget the world, and Damian says the same for theatre.

People can say what they like, but math has always been Cady’s art.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Going back to the hospital is always going to be tough and Janis has resigned herself to that. Her weeks at home are still far from perfect, but if she’s going to be half-comatose, she can at least do it in her bed with her dog. At least she doesn’t have to wait until the end of the week for her friends to come around. Every time she goes back to the hospital, she’s reminded that this isn’t over, even if another two weeks are behind her. She gets to spend another two weeks with an IV in her arm and watching the people she loves through a phone screen. No matter how nice the staff try to make her stay it’s a reminder of what’s still happening to her.

So yeah, going back to the hospital is hard. But this week, with this recent development, it’s even harder.

She lets her mom hold her bag as they ride up in the elevator, Janis staring straight ahead of her and hoping for it to suddenly break. She used to be terrified of that happening, but this is a new reality and the swiftness with which it moves only makes her more nervous.

It’s not that she’s worried about anyone judging her. Hell, most of the people here would be in a position to do that and the others would be going against their jobs if they did. It’s not ridicule she’s worried about; it’s the opposite. All that unconditional, unwavering, inescapable love and support. She’s never been good with emotions, her style of communication isn’t suited to everyone, and that’s doubled when it comes to hospital stuff. People fawning all over her, asking if she’s okay, wanting every detail of her life. It’s almost even worse than ridicule. At least if they were being intentional assholes she’d have an actual valid reason to dislike it. But no, this is nothing more than her being stupidly awkward about everything.

“You okay?” her mom asks when the elevator comes to a stop. Maybe her wish is coming true, or not, since the floor number is sitting in bright red letters on the wall. Janis nods and releases her teeth’s hold on her cheek.

“Fine,” she says. Her mom nods, disbelief written over her face, and presses the button to open the doors. She steps out and Janis takes a deep breath, squares her shoulders, and follows her.

The lobby isn’t any more or less busy than it was last time. There’s more staff than patients; doctors and nurses running around in white coats and uniforms carrying forms or pushing carts around, the secretary sipping coffee and typing at twice the average human speed. The rising sun gleams through the open windows on the far side, turning the grey floors dull gold. Just like normal.

Janis pulls her beanie down further over her head and turns in the direction of her room, ready to run practically, when-

“Ah, Janis.”

Fuck.

Doctor Wiley approaches her and her mom, his pace quick and purposeful. His arms even swing in time with his steps, like he’s been choreographed. He comes over and shakes her mom’s hand, the exchange awkward with the two bags she’s holding, and hers as well. There’s a smile on his face but it doesn’t quite meet his eyes, nor does it hold its usual irrepressible cheer.

“I thought you two would be arriving around now.”

“How’d you even recognise me?” she asks. “I got a bit of a haircut.” It’s kind of a mean question, but her filter doesn’t work at this hour and she could use a little enjoyment. He laughs at it though, so it can’t be too bad.

“Funny. But those boots are indistinguishable,” he tells her. She huffs a laugh at that but it’s gone in an instant and they fall into a tight, uncomfortable silence. Janis stuffs her hands in her pockets and shifts from one foot to the other, looking over at her mom in the childish belief that she’ll know what to do. She’s just as helpless as Janis is, Dr Wiley having trapped them both without intending to. She hears doors opening down the hall and sneaks a look up at the clock. Patients are waking up around now, meaning the amount of people in this lobby is going to double. She has half a mind to directly ask what he wants before he opens his mouth, saving them both an awkward exchange.

“Why don’t we talk in Janis’ room?” he asks. “Just want to see how your week’s gone.”

So they go down, and Janis takes a seat on her bed and lets her mom drop her bag down below her feet. Her stomach twists uneasily throughout it all and a nervous sweat makes its way down her back as the doctor finally enters and, as usual, shuts the door behind him.

“So,” he begins.

“My hair’s gone,” she says. The words escape her mouth before she can stop herself and her surprise at herself is the same as her mom’s. She only shrugs at her and swings her feet in the air. Pretending to be casual seems easier than trying to be serious. “That’s the biggest development.”

“Yes,” Wiley says thinly. He straightens up, his eyes avoiding Janis, and for the first time she’s struck with the idea that this is probably no picnic for him too, no matter how many people he’s had to do this for. “How did that happen? Did you shave it yourself?”

“Yes, she did,” her mom answers. She takes her hand and rubs her thumb across the back of it. Janis squeezes it back, giving her a smile.

“Did you help her with it?”

“No.” There’s a hint of laughter in her mom’s voice. Not mocking though. She almost sounds proud. Proud of her? For what? “When I say herself, I mean she did it herself. Alex and I got a bit of a surprise.”

“As did our dog,” Janis adds. “He’s used to being the only one shedding in the house.”

“I’m sure you all did,” Wiley says. He pulls over one of the chairs and sits close to her, his eyes serious behind his glasses. “You probably don’t need me to tell you this, but this is one of the most difficult parts of this process for so many people.” She nods stiffly. “And you probably also know, there are several support systems in place.” She nods again; she could probably recite those support systems from memory. “It may be good to talk about this with people who understand what it’s like.”

“Like other patients?” she asks. She remembers one thing she was told about: a group therapy session with the other kids on the ward. She had struggled to completely dismiss it already and now, after a week of staring at her bald head in the mirror, she worries she might be cracking.

“Maybe. Or some one-on-one counselling,” Wiley explains. “You’ll have met the people to talk to about that. I’m just strictly here for the medical side of things.”

“Typical medical school student,” Janis responds flatly. “Cold and emotionless robot.”

“That’s me,” he replies. “So, how was this week, physically? Any nausea, aches, pains?”

“Um, something like that,” Janis says. “Just you know, felt sick. Uh, I couldn’t eat much some days. Legs hurt. Nothing I couldn’t handle.”

“Well,” he answers with a sympathetic smile. “That’s all fine and normal.”

Janis hums. She’s at a point where feeling sick is normal. Great.

They finish up soon, going over her week and Wiley telling her that he’ll schedule another appointment for her to check up on her weight and her other vitals. She tries not to tense at that. It’s not like her weight is an insecurity of hers, but she’s not thrilled at the idea of weighing herself either.

“Hey, Jan, I’m just going to go have a quick word with Doctor Wiley,” her mom says suddenly, just as he’s opening the door. “You know, adult stuff.”

“Mom, you know where my mind goes when you say, ‘adult stuff’,” she replies.

“You going to be okay here on your own?” she asks, like Janis hadn’t said anything. At her side, Janis’ hand curls into a fist. She’d bet all the money she has that she’s going to tell Doctor Wiley about her little fainting spell in the park. If she had it her way, she’d tell her not to, insist it wasn’t that bad like she did that night. But she can’t have it her way and if it’ll give her mom some peace of mind, fine. Besides, maybe telling her doctor isn’t the worst plan in the world.

“Yeah I’ll be fine,” she says with a resigned sigh. “I’m going to go hang out in the longue anyway.”

“Okay, kid. I’ll meet you back here.”

She’s barely down the hall when she regrets her decision. Her hands stuffed in her pockets, she turns and looks back at the door, tightly shit, a solid barrier shutting her away from the conversation that is about her. She won’t press it, but she’s annoyed by it. Being whispered about behind your back is never fun, no matter what the subject matter is.

But there’s nothing she can do about it now unless she wants to make a scene, and she can’t hover in the corridor forever, so she turns and marches down the hall, keeping her eyes on the ground and only looking up to smile at nurses. A couple of the one’s she’s familiar with pass her and they kindly avoid the subject of her hair loss, instead cheerily bidding her good morning.

The longue is actually empty when she gets in. The hands on the clock aren’t even at eight yet, so she guesses everyone else is still asleep, or in early morning treatments.

She crosses over to the so-called ‘art shelf’, wrestles out a drawing pad and picks up a Halloween bucket full of pencils. They’re not as good as her own tools, but they’re all safe in her bag in her room, so she’ll make do rather than interrupt. She settles herself in the chair, her feet dangling over the edge and the paper resting on her legs.

It’s actually pretty calming in here alone. Not like it’s overly chaotic normally, it’s always kind of mellow, but it’s quite easy for her to lose herself now. The weak autumn sun is higher now, the leaves on a tree outside creating patterns on the carpets and the voices behind her are a peaceful, quiet kind of backing track for her to draw against. Her pencil moves gracefully across the page and forms the shapes she sees in her mind. She’s had this idea for a few days but never really had the motivation to draw it. It must have been longer than she thought, going without drawing properly. The pencil feels weak and she has to take a moment to give her hand a little shake out at points to get herself back. But she’s missed this, missed the freedom that art gives her. Freedom to create, to escape to her own worlds. Every time, even when everyone and everything failed her, she’s had her art to fall back on.

She’s more emotional than she should be as she sees it hasn’t failed her yet.

Even with the imperfect pencils, she carries on, going over the line she’s created. The outline of her IV is covered in black, the lines thicker than she’d wanted initially with the blunt pencil. Ideally, she’d go over them in fine pen, but the thick lines actually kind of work. Ivy wraps around the pole, coloured in a deep green with little red thorns jagging out from it and piercing the medicine bag. The details are smudged and undefined, these pencils weren’t made for this, but the fully formed drawing is taking shape in front of her and that’s what matters to her.

Besides, she can perfect it later.

She’s not aware of how much time has gone by until she hears footsteps behind her, followed by a familiar squeak. Maddie is hovering in the doorway, a nurse behind her holding her IV, and the clock showing that well over half an hour has passed with her drawing.

“Hey kid,” she greets, pushing herself up and tucking her legs beneath her, more for the nurse’s benefit than Maddie’s.

“Janis! You’re back!” she states as she runs over and plops herself down in the armchair beside her. Her eyes move up to Janis’ head, a question dancing in them but her lips staying silent.

“Hi sweetheart,” her nurse asks. Janis hasn’t seen her around before, or if she has she’s not been around much. Maybe a student, she guesses, going by how young she is and how intensely she’s focussed on the IV. “This your friend, Maddie?”

“Yup,” she answers. “Is it cool if I do my drip in here? And if I turn on the TV?”

“Go ahead, kid,” she says, flipping over the page. Maddie leans over the arm of her chair with wide eyes and Janis chuckles warmly before turning the page around for her. “What do we think?”

“Woah,” she breathes. “That’s so good!”

“Any critiques? Bad colouring? Bad use of space? Awkward shading?”

“Nope, nope and nope,” Maddie insists. “It’s perfect. Look, Maia, isn’t it?”

“Oh hey,” Maia adds, looking at it for a split second before re-focussing. “That’s cool. So you’re an artist.”

“I dabble,” she sighs, twirling the pencil between her fingers and turning the page over.

“So I take it you’re doing that photo project that Maddie’s doing?” she asks.

There it is again. Out of everything she’s heard about in here, that’s the one that’s come up the most and it’s the one that’s stood in her mind the most. Maybe because, well, it is kind of up her street. And since it is… well, why not?

“Yeah, I am,” she says. It feels odd, committing to something like this. But hey, it could be fun.

“It’s meant to be really good,” Maia goes on as she pulls out an IV. “You two probably know all about it, but it’s some fancy art college that’s providing the materials for it. And a professor from there’s overseeing it.”

Janis averts her eyes when Maddie rolls up her sleeves, though she can’t ignore the other girl’s small grunt as the needle goes in. There’s already a little bruise on her own arm. And Maddie’s been here two, three times as long as she has.

“Okay, that’s you set up for an hour and a half,” Maia announces. “I’ll be back in half an hour to check up on you, okay? And here’s your juice and your breakfast.”

“Thanks. See you later, Maia,” Maddie says, her voice the same as it would be if she was leaving to go to school. Maia pats Maddie’s head and tells Janis how nice it was to meet her before heading off, Maddie’s eyes following her in a way Janis knows all too well. Poor girl.

“What?” she asks when she hears Janis’ chuckle.

“Oh, nothing,” she sings. “You just seem awfully fond of Maia.” The way her little cheeks flame pink tell her all she needs to know. Nothing will come of this, of course, it’s a puppy infatuation, but that doesn’t make it any less cute. Janis remembers her first crush of that sort. Remembers how she, just as Maddie is now, vehemently denied it to anyone who asked. “Don’t worry kid. I won’t tell.”

“Okay,” she says quietly as she flicks on the TV. She looks down at the remote and lets out a pained sigh. “She’s just so pretty.”

“I know kid,” Janis replies. “I know the struggle.” They sit in companionable silence, Maddie focussing on the daytime TV and Janis doodling whatever comes to mind across the page, dragons, mermaids, flowers, puppies. It’s random nonsense, but it’s the artistic equivalent of going on a jog, she supposes.

As she draws, she keeps sneaking glances over at Maddie. A lot of things struck her when they first met, and one she’s sad to say was the lack of hair. Not that there’s nothing beyond that, but she noticed it first and it stuck. And despite all her wishes and hopes, it happened to her too.

“Hey, Maddie?” Her throat feels like sandpaper. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

She clenches the pencil so tightly in her hand that her knuckles turn white.

“When did you lose your hair?”

“Oh.” Janis winces immediately.

“I’m sorry, you don’t have to-”

“No, it’s okay,” she says. She turns around to face her, her fingers fidgeting in front of her and her eyes looking at her only to look away immediately. “It was a month ago. Kind of. It started coming out pretty early.”

“In clumps, right?” she asks.

“Yeah. Big, scary clumps. I thought they looked like spiders.” Janis chuckles out of courtesy, but there’s no humour in it. “I wouldn’t shave it though. Everyone told me I had to but… I just couldn’t, you know.” She hears her swallow before she adds “I was too scared.”

Janis nods. She tries to picture it, this little kid scared shitless being told to shave her head. With nothing and no-one to save her. She doesn’t want to cry, knowing how she’d feel if she were in that position, but it gets her. She wishes she could wrap that girl in a hug and tell her she was okay.

“I gave in eventually,” she says. “So much of it was gone anyway. At that point I just wanted it over with.”

“That’s how I felt,” Janis adds. “Like… it was either it or me.”

“Did your mom or dad help you?” Maddie asks.

“No. I didn’t really tell them I was doing it.” She shrugs. “I didn’t plan it. Just sort of happened, I guess.”

“Woah.” Maddie’s hand rubs the back of her neck, a sorrowful expression on her face. “It feels weird doesn’t it?”

“Weird is an understatement,” Janis mumbles. As they sit in companionable silence, Janis doesn’t take her eyes off Maddie. Soon she gets up and pushes her chair closer until it’s touching hers. She brightens at that and curls up even more.

“People keep asking me if I miss my hair,” she tells her after a while. “I don’t answer them. It’s a stupid question.” She rolls her eyes, but there’s more to it. Far more than she should be. “Of course I do.”

“Yeah. I paid 50 for that dye job,” Janis says.

“I can’t wait to look normal again,” Maddie says.

Janis starts at that. It’s a horrible thing to have to say, or for someone to think, but the worst part is she can’t disagree with it. She doesn’t know if she’ll feel completely okay until her hair starts growing back. Her first impulse is to say, “me too”. Or the less tactful “mood”. But she pushes it away because that’s not what Maddie needs to hear. While she’s a disaster, she’s not bringing this girl down with her.

So what does she do? She can’t fall back on her own tricks. That may well only make it worse. So she does the only thing she can, ask herself ‘What Would Damian Do In This Scenario’. He’d make her feel better without sugar coating the reality. So she’ll do that. Be Damian for Maddie.

“Well… that may be true,” she begins. “And it royally sucks ass.” She’s not good at this. “But… just think of how happy we’ll be when that finally happens.” Really, really not good at this. God how does he do this all the time? Especially with her.

It quickly occurs to her that this little trick is so much easier when she’s trying to pick herself up. Picking other people up is harder. It’s mainly why she rarely does it. It also occurs to her that she doesn’t know what Damian would say if he were her. Thank God, he’s never been through this. So she can’t know what he’d say. All she can do is reach inside herself and try to pull out something to help the both of them.

“And you know, at least we’re all normal in here.”

She sees realisation dawn on Maddie’s face and lets out a breath.

“I guess there is no normal in here,” Maddie adds, but it’s without the defeated tone. The opposite in fact. She the smile on her face is relieved and most importantly, real. Janis is relieved as well, and the feeling floods her chest, but there’s something else in there, something kind of unfamiliar and pretty exciting.

Maybe she’s actually quite good at this.

******

Days later, Janis is lounging in her bed, half-waking up from a spontaneous nap. She props her head up on her elbow and scrolls through Twitter, Purrlock sitting on her shoulder. She told her mom that she just woke up like that and she’s too comfortable to move him. And maybe because he wanted a good view of her phone.

She avoids Instagram like it’s the plague. Her hairless selfie is by far the most popular photo on her page, which annoys her in more ways than one. She didn’t even put hashtags on it, and yet it’s gotten more likes and comments than artwork that she put hours of work into. And selfies where she actually looks good. She has half a mind to respond to the supportive-pitying comments saying “thanks, check out my art and tell your friends I will be available for commission soon”. She only hasn’t because she can’t help but feel like using her cancer for clout is low even by her standards.

Regina is amongst those who left a comment. According to her she ‘looks like a boss’, and Janis has since spent hours of her time looking for the catch. There always is one with her but she’s now hidden it extremely well. Janis is determined to find it, like a pirate looking for a weird kind of treasure. People can call her paranoid all they want, but she knows better. She knows Regina better than probably anyone at that whole school.

Those are just some of the reasons she avoids Instagram, as well as Facebook. At least on Tumblr, the vast majority of her followers have no idea who she is. To them she’s just an art blog, and that’s why she can’t find it in her to delete that app. Plus, there’s something about the humour that’s comforting.

She’s halfway reading one of those tag yourself games when she gets a text. She wants to dismiss it, too tired for any kind if interaction, but the name on it makes her do a double take.

“Hi! How are you doing? Would it be okay if I came over some time? I haven’t really seen you in forever. I’d really like to. Just let me know if you want to and when you can-Gretchen.”

Gretchen. Gretchen Weiners. First Karen popping in to visit and now Gretchen? She’s collected two out of three Plastics. And hell, given that Regina popped round to her house a while back, she’s kind of gotten them all.

Gretchen is a complicated case for her. She sits right in between Karen and Regina in the Plastics for her. She’s not stupid like Karen. She had to know that what Regina was doing to her was wrong. But while she had the brains to know it, she didn’t have the backbone and Janis can’t not understand with that. But she can’t just forgive and forget either, not completely. And while they have found themselves actually getting along pretty well since Spring Fling, some days Janis can’t shake the feeling that it’s entirely contingent on Regina. That if Regina turns, Gretchen is right there with her. Besides, she always saw their friendship as more surface level than anything else. It was fine by her; they just wouldn’t have any spark together without a third party there.

So Gretchen texting her like this is unexpected to say the least. Especially offering to come over. Alone, it would seem.

Her mind is going through every possible bad outcome, meanwhile her fingers are typing out a response that reads ‘Hey. I’m not exactly going anywhere but Cady and Damian come over on Fridays, so that might be out. I’m also pretty out of it on Monday. But hey any other day you want to come over, that’s cool.’

She has the self-control to pause and read it over again she sends it. As far as she can tell there’s nothing completely wrong with it. Heck she even went out of her way to warn her about when her worst day is. Although as she reads it a third time, that sentence suddenly seems way too open for Gretchen, so she quickly changes it to ‘pretty busy’.

She presses send that time and watches as her message becomes a small blue bubble. So she just committed to hanging out with Gretchen Weiners. In her hospital room. Gretchen responds asking about Saturday, and while she considers backing out, she agrees. Gretchen responds with some heart emojis and that she can’t wait to see her. It’s a sweet message and it makes Janis’ stomach turn.

“What the heck have I done?” she asks out loud.

*****

She mentions it to Cady and Damian when they come around on Friday. She has to since it’s pretty much the only piece of news she has other than “they got new vending machines”. They both think it’s a great idea, which does make Janis feel better about the whole thing. Especially Cady. The way her whole face lights up when she tells her actually makes it feel worth it, whatever the outcome is.

That’s what she tells herself on Saturday morning when she gets up. She wriggles out of bed and checks the clock on her phone. Half an hour before her first round is due. She doesn’t feel like breakfast, nor does she feel like getting out of her pyjamas. She guesses Gretchen will understand that much anyway. Even she can’t expect Janis to look perfect given the circumstances. But that bring up another problem, one she had stupidly not considered up until right now, when she catches sight of herself in the mirror.

Gretchen hasn’t seen her like this.

Well, she has. The whole school has, that’s kind of the point. But she hasn’t seen her like this. Not in the same way Damian and Cady have, face-to-face, where she’ll try to avert her eyes from it and make polite conversation. Even with her cute little beanie, it’s likely to be a tough one. And given that it’s Gretchen, it might be ten times worse. Not her fault, and Janis can’t say she wouldn’t do the same if she was in her position, but that doesn’t make it any less exasperating for her. Suddenly the one thing she wants to do is text Gretchen and back out, but her stupid pride holds her back. Digging a bigger hole is a risk she doesn’t want to take. All she can do is wait and hope that either a) Gretchen backs out, b) there’s a terrible medical emergency pertaining to her and Gretchen can’t come over, or c) it’s at least over quickly.

Options A and B sadly don’t happen. For once her body seems to be working semi-well and right on schedule he gets a text from Gretchen saying that she’s in the lobby. Her mom took that as her cue to leave and go hang out with the other cancer moms, reminding her to call her if she needs her. And since her mom will definitely not lie about a medical emergency for her, all she can do is sit with the consequences of her own actions. And debate throwing herself out the window, which she shuts down fairly quickly. She doesn’t want to put the nurses through that.

She pretends to be reading when Gretchen comes in, softly knocking on the door. She looks nice; her hair is in some half-up, half-down thing she could never master even if she needed to and she wears a bright yellow top tucked into a blue skirt. Between the block colours and the smile on her face, Janis realises how much she could fit in here. Give her a lanyard and put her in the longue and the volunteers would take her in immediately.

“Hi, Janis,” she greets.

“Hey Gretch.” She puts down her magazine and swings her legs over the side of the bed, nodding at her. “Come on in. Welcome to Casa Janis. Hey, can you close the door?”

“Oh sure.” She comes over but sits down in the visitor’s chair rather than on the bed. Janis can’t decide if that’s better or worse. She’s already small, especially when compared to Janis, but she looks impossibly tiny now. Janis can’t even enjoy not feeling like the smallest person in the room for once. “So how are you doing?”

“Oh you know,” she shrugs. “Powering through it all.” A soft, sympathetic look creases Gretchen’s face. “I’m doing good, Gretch. How are you doing?”

“Oh me?” she asks. “Uh, I’m pretty good. I mean, school’s okay so far. I mean… I’m on the committee for planning the Halloween fair this year.”

“You are? That’s cool.” She could never picture Gretchen on the committee for anything, but now that she thinks about it, she does have a keen eye for detail. Not to mention she knows how to plan an event, although those skills weren’t forged in the best circumstances. “So what are you guys doing?”

“Oh.” Her tone is so casual compared to the excited glint in her eyes and the way her mouth turns up at the corners. She knows a suppressed smile when she sees one. “Um, your basic Halloween stuff. You know, uh apple bobbing. Scary stories. The same thing they do every year.”

“Uh-huh.” Gretchen opens her mouth, the beginning of her own question just coming out, but Janis holds her hand out to her, nodding to the empty space beside her. “Come on. You know I love that Halloween fair. And if I have to miss it, you need to give me every little detail of it.”

“Oh,” is all she responds with.

“Come on,” she says after she hesitates. “I need to make sure it’s all up to standard. I’m very protective of that fair.”

“Okay,” she says. She scrambles up beside her, her feet even farther from the floor. “Oh wow, this is comfortable.”

“Yeah, they take good care of us in here.” She nudges her with her bony elbow. “So come on. The fair, what have you guys got planned?”

“Well…” She begins. “We got Drama and English to collaborate on the scary stories this year. It’s actually pretty cool, they collected all these folktales from different cultures. And they wanted to do some classic horror stuff as well. So some of the sophomore drama kids are acting them out.” She counts them out on her fingers. “We’ve got one group doing Dracula, one doing Jekyll and Hyde and one doing Frankenstein. Oh, Damian’s helping direct them and he agreed to read out a few stories. He’s really good at it.”

“He would be,” she says.

“Okay so we have that in one corner, then we have the apple bobbing beside that. Then we got a lot of stalls lined up after it. Some of them are doing arts and crafts stuff, I don’t really know the specifics, then we’ve got another one selling treats and baked goods and stuff. I just let them handle that. Oh!” She grabs her arm only to drop it in the next second, but her smile stays bright on her face. “So then there’s the haunted house! We actually looked at a lot of the old ones, like the one you worked on!”

“Well, I am an artiste.”

“I know,” she says softly. “So what we did is we-well, I say we, I mean the art students. Not me, I couldn’t do that. But they took it and they ran with the literature theme. So we’ve got everyone in these really cool old vintage outfits looking like ghosts walking around the halls. And they’re letting us use a smoke machine!”

“I never got a smoke machine!” she interrupts indignantly. “How come you guys get to use it?”

“I planned out the budget,” Gretchen explains. “Cady helped me with the numbers a bit. I worked out that if we shopped at thrift stores and stuff for costumes and got the school more involved, we had more money for effects! Plus they gave us a bit more because it’s a good cause.”

She freezes the minute the words leave her mouth, regret all over her face. Janis doesn’t get it for a while and she can’t say if the chemo has made her brain lag or if she’s just that out of the loop. But quickly gets a suspicion.

“Good cause?”

“Um, yeah.” Gretchen fixes her hair, sliding pins further in and twirling the end around her fingers. Her feet swing farther and faster below them. “Um, the committee agreed pretty early that we should um… we should use it raise money for cancer research.” She shrugs weakly. “We just thought it would have been nice to do.”

“Yeah.” She clears her throat. She might not have an IV in her arm, nor is she knocked out, but she feels acutely aware of her cancer. Even without looking at herself. She can feel the way her blood is abnormal, feel the medicine slithering through her veins. The lost weight on her arms, the lack of weight on her head.

She’s a charity case now. Events she can’t even go to are planned around her.

“Janis?” Gretchen asks, her voice so quiet it’s practically a whisper. “Are you okay?” Before she can answer, Gretchen lets out a loud sigh. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t sure if I should tell you or not. Damian was worried how you’d react to it.”

“Gretchen. It’s okay.” She shakes her head. “I’m actually kind of touched.” It’s the truth, despite how weak it makes her feel. So many people backing her up, it’s hard not to like it. She just wishes this didn’t have to happen for her to feel it. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she replies. “And they think they might make it like that every year. Like every year they pick a new cause to donate to.”

“That’s awesome, Gretch.” They sit in comfortable, light silence for a while until Janis finds something. “So how’s everyone else? How’s Karen.”

And that’s when Gretchen’s cheeks turn bright pink, and it’s the most entertaining thing Janis has seen in a long while. Cady’s filled her in on Gretchen and Karen, how pretty much everyone knows about them and they’re none the wiser. Cady said that they might just still be friends, but Damian shook his head. According to him anyone who spends even five minutes in their company can see it. So she has two different hypothesis and she’s just testing them out.

“Um, Karen’s great,” she says. “Really great. Didn’t she come see you a few weeks ago?” She doesn’t mention how Janis puked her guts out that day; either Karen didn’t tell her or she’s being delicate. Either way is more than good with her.

“Yep. She brought muffins. They were really good.”

“Oh, yeah she’s really good at baking now.” The glowing pride on her face could be seen from space.

“It was real sweet of her,” she says fondly. Despite how badly that day ended, she’s glad it happened. “Hey, I saw you two were at her house last weekend.” Gretchen’s cheeks turn even pinker and Janis almost feels bad. “Anything special?”

“Oh yeah, that was nothing. We um, we just went and watched movies in her house. Had a pyjama day, you know.” Gretchen toys with a bracelet on her wrist; a silver chain with a baby pink gemstone in the shape of a heart. Her face is a familiar kind of soft, and Janis realises it’s the kind of soft that she gets when she thinks about Cady. They’re either together or someone has a serious, serious crush. “Karen’s really good. We’re really good.” Then she looks up at Janis and her eyes are brighter than Broadway marquees.

“We’re actually dating now!” she says.

“No!” she gasps. She doesn’t have a B in drama for nothing. “Since when?”

“Just since August,” she replies. “We actually just had our two month anniversary just then.”

“Aww.”

“Yeah. We went got sundaes and went to the movies. It was super romantic.” There’s even a hint of a giggle in Gretchen’s voice. The bloom of first love and all that.

“It sounds it.”

“Does it?” she asks. “Sorry. I just don’t know romance very well. I mean, we’re not you and Cady.”

“Me and Cady?” Janis echoes.

“Well, yeah. I mean you two are kind of the it couple when it comes to romance.”

“Really?” she asks proudly. “We never really thought about it like that.”

“You two just seem so… happy with each other,” she says. “Not that me and Karen aren’t happy, we totally are. I just hope we stay that way. That we have a relationship like you and Cady.”

“Woah there.” She holds up her hand to stop Gretchen in her tracks. “Me and Cady are far from perfect. Especially now.” She presses her fist into her palm, chewing the inside of her cheek, unsure what version of events she should give. “I mean… I almost didn’t even tell her I had cancer.” Gretchen’s mouth falls open a little at that. “No relationship is perfect, Gretch. Don’t try to model me and Caddy. You and Karen do you and Karen.”

“Do Me and Karen,” she repeats softly.

“Yeah. You know, move at your own pace. Be happy with each other.” Gretchen nods, her mouth moving like she’s making mental notes.

“Thanks, Janis.”

“Well, not to brag, but Cady and I have been together for seven whole months.” Half a year, she realises. Half a year she’s been with Cady. They never celebrated little anniversaries like Karen and Gretchen, but six months was just a month ago. And neither one realised. “So I’m a bit of an expert.”

“Yeah you are,” Gretchen chuckles.

Gretchen has to leave a little while later and Janis even has the manners (and energy) to walk her to the elevator. She gives her a quick hug before she leaves and though Janis braces herself, it’s nowhere near as awkward as she thought it would be. In fact, while she might be little, she packs a lot into it.

“I’ll see you soon,” she tells her. “Is that cool with you?”

“My hospital room is your hospital room,” she says warmly. Gretchen gives her another smile, one that’s bright and sincere, before disappearing into the lift. The last thing Janis sees of her is a little tiny wave.

Her mom is back in the room when she gets there, straightening up her sheets, and a fresh looking donut sits on her tray table. Rainbow sprinkles and white icing, just as she likes them.

“How’s Gretchen?” she asks.

“She’s good.” She climbs onto the bed and picks up her book. She must have been smiling or something because her mom then asks what the face is for. She hesitates, but she’d almost certainly tell her mom this if they were at home and besides, she can’t keep it to herself. “Well, Karen and Gretchen are sort of….” She wiggles her eyebrows. “You know.”

“Oh they aren’t,” her mom says. “Seriously?”

“Seriously.” She leans forward and tears off a part of the donut.

“Did not expect that.” Janis simply shrugs. She’s not going to sit and act like she ‘always knew’ but at the same time, she’s not entirely surprised. If nothing else, they did always think they’d be a cute fit. “Well, good for them.”

“Yeah,” she replies, tearing the donut again. “Good for them. You want a bit?”

“Oh I’m fine, hon.” Janis frowns. It’s more than just a treat and she knows it.

“Gretchen was talking about the Halloween fair,” she goes on. “She’s on the committee for organising it this year. Apparently it’s going to be quite the affair.”

Apparently, she just can’t hide anything today because her mom rubs her back and groans in sympathy with her.

“I’m sorry kid. I know how much you love going to that fair.”

“Well there’s always next year.” She keeps quiet about the money being raised though. No doubt her mom would love that, but still. Some things she just doesn’t want to talk about. She’s about to change the subject when her mom opens her mouth again, and nothing can prepare her for what she says. “And well, who knows? Maybe here we can work something out and allow you to go.”

“Wait, for real?” Janis asks. Hope sparks up in her chest and she immediately tries to dampen it down.

“Well, maybe,” her mom says. “I was just talking to Dr Wiley and he did say you don’t have to be in the hospital 24/7. Obviously we don’t want a repeat of Saturday-”

“Okay, why didn’t this conversation come up weeks ago when I was climbing the walls?” she asks, although she isn’t mad. She can’t be.

“Because you were just starting out,” she explains. “And you still kind of are. But he did say being out in the fresh air might do you some good. I’d have my reservations about it-”

“Oh please, please do not have any reservations,” she says. Hell, she practically begs. She does everything but grab her mom’s legs.

“But if you felt up to it on the day, and Dr Wiley didn’t see a problem with it, then I don’t see why you couldn’t go around the fair for an hour, maybe.”

An inhuman noise escapes her mouth, something akin to a shriek, but the kind middle school girls use when they hear about their favourite boyband coming to town.

“As long as you don’t overwork yourself.”

“Mom, I will do nothing but eat my veggies and sleep until the fair,” she promises.

“Okay,” her mom chuckles, running her fingers over her knuckles. “What time’s your next round?”

“Oh um, an hour,” she says. They go about their own business. Well, her mom does anyway, picking up her magazine and showing Janis the parts she’d like. Janis opens up her laptop and whacks on something to keep herself entertained, but the idea of going to the fair blocks out anything else.

Going to the Halloween fair. Being with all her friends. Seeing people from school. It almost doesn’t feel real. Scratch that, it definitely doesn’t feel real. And amongst that surreal feeling is worry. Worry that something will come up, someone will say no, and she’ll have to watch the fair through her Instagram feed. It’s the main reason she doesn’t go rushing to Damian with the news. Because what if the moment she does, Dr Wiley pops his head around the door and tells her she can never leave here, ever?

Breathe, she tells herself. Her plans are in the universe’s hands. All she can do is sit back, cross her fingers, and pray no-one says no.

#cadnis #cadnis ff #mean girls broadway #mean girls fanfic #janis sarkisian #cady heron #gretchen weiners #fic: heart of stone

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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June 20th-June 26th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from June 20th, 2020 to June 26th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

What is something you’re just not very good at right now writing and/or drawing in general?

Deo101 [Millennium]

mysteries. 100% I can not write mysteries!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ears

Deo101 [Millennium]

the connection between legs and torso. No not hips, I can draw hips fine, but like the movement aspect of it

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Action scenes. Orchestrating fights or big motions on the page... it doesn’t come naturally to me! I have to look at a lot of reference to see how other artists do it. Impact shapes, speed lines, anything to convey movement...

But I am slowly building a vocabulary of... fight shapes? I’m calling them fight shapes, haha

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I feel that

Your feeling I feel deeply

"visual library" is a term that comes to mind

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Composition. I just talked about this earlier today, but.... yup. Composition is my bane.

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

I'd like to get better at writing in general. I have a lot of trouble verbalizing things I see in my head, and so I gotta rely on images and thumbnails to get any idea across, sometimes. otherwise im a windbag and use 5000 words to say 0-1 things, lmao

carcarchu

I have trouble writing simply. I always want to embellish, add extra details, more characters and make everything more complicated and i worry it ends up making things unnecessarily convoluted

Drawing-wise i hate drawing hands

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

The legit thing I am worse at writing is fucking

Deo101 [Millennium]

omg

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

essays to convince people to hire me

Deo101 [Millennium]

OH OKAY

WAY TO CUT IT OFF

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

YEAH

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

carcarchu

let her finish deo

Mitzi (Trophallaxis)

comedic timing at its finest

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

omg

I was very confused for a sec(edited)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

but seriously like speaking of filling gaps this is what I'm legit struggling most with right now so any help much appreciated

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

raises hand

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I need to write a personal statement and every time I sit down to edit I want to die

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I volunteer as tribute

writing is basically the only thing I'm really good at

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

It's not the writing I hate

It's the writing about me

carcarchu

is that the thing where you have to write in 3rd person? like those blurb things on people's websites?(edited)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

It just feel so gross whoring out my deeply held passions and struggles for a spot in med school

No I'm talking about college essays lmao sorry for derailing

The blurb things are an interesting topic though!

Have you guys writtent those before and does anyone actually like writing them?

carcarchu

i had to write a blurb about myself for my university's website and yeah it was uncomfy

lemme see if i can find it

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I HATE writing those

because I just start like, "Crona J. is an artist and writer from Chicago......." And I have no idea how to continue

Deo101 [Millennium]

god yeah even just writing a profile or about me is hard enough!!!

I'm always like "deo - 22 - she/her - illustrator - webcomic author - student" and then i leave it

thats it thats all you get

depending on the platform i MIGHT put bi - disabled and thats it!!!!

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yeah

half of the stuff I write doesn't even feel relevant to the audience either

who cares that I have been drawing since I was 12 lol?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Mate I don't even write those. My bio is like "UCSD" "Read my comic"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

hahaha

Deo101 [Millennium]

I also always feel like when I see "ive been drawing since I was 5!" I kinda think like... well everyone has been -_- like this doesnt tell me anything, how long have you been an aspiring pro, how long have you been studying art...? that tells me more

so I never put that kind of stuff in my biod either

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yeah, and also, I didn't go to prestigious school, so I don't even include my college

and I only have one comic project so far, just under a chapter

so what do I write?

Not that important an issue, but irksome nonetheless

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I don't include my school because it's prestigious, I include it because it's not an art college

Deo101 [Millennium]

owch

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I want fellow stem-y yet artsy people from my school to recognize me as one of them(edited)

DEO stop interupptung me at the worst points!!

Deo101 [Millennium]

i love jumping to conclusions. so no.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

If it's a bio where I can talk about the comics, I try to spotlight a few tropes/genres that'll catch the eye of potential readers. Not a full-fledged summary, just a quick hit of If You Like These Words, You'll Probably Like Reading It. ("Fantasy, comedy, shapeshifters, PTSD, time travel, cats")

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

And if it's gonna be personal, same deal with bits of personal info -- not trying to be a Comprehensive Biography, just pulling a few details that are relatable connection points

The problem with "I've always wanted to be a writer/artist/cartoonist" isn't just how generic it is, the problem is also the vibe of "here's my thing, your role in this is to support me"

Whereas if you say something like "I like drawing cute girls and writing fantasy," the response can be "oh hey, I like seeing cute girls and reading fantasy, tell me more!"

Or if you go with "Sailor Moon fan, will put extra cheese on everything," people can go "cool, that's relatable, we can like Sailor Moon and cheese together." It gets at your shared investment in a fun thing, it's not about expecting them to be personally invested in you

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I think perhaps the most fundamental thing is "you can't please everyone." I've never liked the 'random food related weird tidbit tacked on' thing because it feels too try-hardish to me, but I understand for other people, it's not a matter of trying too hard and is genuinely how they just talk.

Erin Ptah (BICP | Leif & Thorn)

Oh definitely, you hold out for a bio that connects with everyone and you'll never get it done

AntiBunny

Personally I'm not great at drawing cars. It's why all my cars early on in the comic were side view only, and old blocky looking things. It was all I could do. I've been getting better by using references.

Every so often I buy a little hotweels or matchbox car when I'm buying groceries. I aim for realistic ones based on real vehicles, especially utility vehicles like ice cream trucks, ambulances, fire trucks, and whatnot you'd see every day in a city. I keep a little box of them on my desk, so if the scene calls for a car to be visible, I have a reference that can help me get all the curves and angles right.

Sure beats drawing from memory, but also practice time in the sketchbook with them is a necessity.

Now crowd scenes are beginning to be my bane. Not because they're hard to draw, just because they're time consuming.

Suddenly I realize why old episodes of Sailor Moon has cities with people free sidewalks and empty streets.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

That's a great idea, gathering the model cars! I should do that for a future comic.

kayotics

I also struggle with cars so, uh, my comic takes place in fantasy 1700-1800s

But also horses are bad too

Cars and horses! They suck

Deo101 [Millennium]

do what I did and make up an easier animal to draw than a horse ;)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Vehicles in general. Should just put everyone on roller blades and be done with it

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'd lov that tbh

kayotics

I’ve considered making something other than horses......

Deo101 [Millennium]

I highly encourage it, the people love it and also so does my brain

kayotics

Or else lean into them being ugly

Deo101 [Millennium]

heres the trick about horses though they look really weird and as small as you make their legs, when you think "this is way too thin..." youre wrong and their ankles are probably smaller than that

kayotics

The thing that gets me is their faces

Deo101 [Millennium]

... mask

kayotics

Hahaha

I should just make deer the normal mode of transport

Deo101 [Millennium]

that would be really cute tbh

kayotics

I love deer and they’re cute

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Just exaggerate them to the point where it looks like a style choice

Your people already have unrealistic proportions

Why not the horses too

kayotics

That’s how I draw buildings tbh because I hate buildings

Deo101 [Millennium]

I also gave horses dog mouths, maybe do something like that? someone can be like "horses dont look like that?" and as long as youre consistent you can say "they do in this world!!!"

kayotics

Oh god no that’s like a devil creature

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah they look horrible but its fun

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I legit remember saying that to you deo lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

ive had dog horse for years you didnt give me this

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Not the they look horrible part

kayotics

I’ve already got beasts, I don’t need horses to look WORSE than they did

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Bwah I remember

Time to archive dig(edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

I love dog horse

kayotics

Honestly it’s good but they scare me

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah... maybe instead give them cat mouths

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

https://discordapp.com/channels/472908933045026827/634081658018070549/688589449562423422

wait omg this is the message that led to your first dm to me lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

is it??? omg i think it is... historical moment

dog horse brings us together

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Another point to convince kay to draw uncanny animals!

Deo101 [Millennium]

what I do to make birds fun to draw is making them sparkly

maybe try that

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

god you're gonna ruin kay's carefully crafted aesthetic

is this your competitiveness showing its face again(edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

they can make it work! why do you doubt their abilities

make this the main mode of transport

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ah is that how it works in that case i have 10 shitty indie game ideas

make them pls

Deo101 [Millennium]

implying my ideas are shitty??? rude!

kayotics

I have an aesthetic?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Or if you want to be very efficient, everyone in universe can teleport

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lmao you have an excellent aesthetic

crona

i do that already

kayotics

Crona.... that’s my comic already!! Haha

Deo101 [Millennium]

kay does also have teleporting to be clear

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

don't underestimate my laziness!

Deo101 [Millennium]

LMAO

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

See

It must be great advice

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

oh crap you're right kay also does have teleporting

and unrealistic beasts, to be fair

kayotics

Sometimes on the same page

That’s the eyes I draw on the beasts

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Or be even lazier, and make it so that horses and beasts either don't exist or haven't been domesticated in that region. Everyone walks. Their feet hurt, but their calves are glorious.

Deo101 [Millennium]

you get it

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

wait crona and deo also have comics where teleportation could exist

will you join us?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol, yup

Deo101 [Millennium]

nope

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

(nah, I've already drawn horses. They're not so bad if you stare at photos)

sierrabravo (Hans Vogel is Dead)

drawing horses is fun!!

[multiple people are typing]

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

And there will also be hella walking, because the leg game must be strong, otherwise I'm not doing my job

Deo101 [Millennium]

ive decided that millennium is like really in the future but things like time travel, teleportation, warp speed... nope! You can go really fast in a spaceship but like nothin crazy

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

man these planets real close together then

or maybe people just live a really long time ...?

Deo101 [Millennium]

I just do my version of teleporting which is "wow it'll take a week to get there" and then its a week later

dont worry about it

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

nice

Deo101 [Millennium]

its not realistic, but its consistent

🌈ERROR404 🌈

ahhhh horses are really nice to draw imo, if i can get it right lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

I like drawing horses a lot I just never do it tbh

🌈ERROR404 🌈

something needs to fuel my addiction to cowboy culture

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Consistency is key tbh

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I just do my version of teleporting which is "wow it'll take a week to get there" and then its a week later

when my whole comic takes place in like a week lmao

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

if you decide that gravity doesn't exist in your world, as log as you're consistent with it, you're golden

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

in the unlikely event i get tired of drawing my comic i can adopt deo's strat "wow it'll take a week to get to the ending"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

My comic takes place in about a year (not counting flashbacks which span... uh... a very long time)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

"man sure seems like this conflict will take approximately a week to be resolved" "one week later"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

hahaha

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

"sure did get resolved"

the end

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

convenient

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i wonder if anyone's done that

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

One Korean series I followed for years did it

and everyone was pissed, as you can imagine

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

better than cancellation?

Deo101 [Millennium]

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

what a way to go

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I'd honestly have preferred cancellation/ abandonment

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Just have a fan finish it for you at that rate lmao

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

OH that's a good discussion topic. If you got tired of your comic, or life got in the the way of you working on it anymore, how would you end it as quickly as possible?

Deo101 [Millennium]

maybe rephrase that a little

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I would toss it at my little sis, and she would do it for me, no joke

Deo101 [Millennium]

My little sister also would probably take over it for me

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

let's move to general?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

eyyy!

Deo101 [Millennium]

but also I could just be like "They got an email that john died of old age its over now"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

MVP sisters!

lol

an email

what a way to end it

eliushi [Keyspace]

For me it’s panels. Past me thought that the four panel structure would make things easy. Nope. It’s limiting how I want to tell the story so... I’m trying to branch out now and looking for other inspirations for panel and layout

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Just change the shape of your panels. It forces you to be creative.

eliushi [Keyspace]

True true! I have those in upcoming updates

But my heart swoons for the page spreads

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

oh yes

They are so gorgeous, but difficult to plan

eliushi [Keyspace]

Initially I was planning on storyboards but now I’m more comfortable with comics I think I’ll be aiming for traditional layouts

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, storyboards are an entirely different beast

Desnik

I'm currently working on clearly portraying character motivation

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I think for me I don't draw animals often and rip have to draw a few for the upcoming pages so I'm just doing my best at this point lol

AntiBunny

Panel arrangement is the heart of comics as an art form. It takes practice, and study to learn how the eye flows from one thing to the next.

And once you have a thorough understanding of the rules you can learn how to carefully break them to produce something truly eye catching.

If I had to say the simplest rule to understanding flow is, if you need arrows to tell you which direction to read, then you're doing something wrong.

DanitheCarutor

This is candy for my self-deprecating mentality. Lol Honestly though. I'm not the best at writing in general, I don't like doing it physically, avoiding it at all cost (outside of dialogue and poorly done bullet points on scrap paper.) so I don't really know if/think I'm particularly good at it. I remember the last time I tried to physically write something was back in high school, I still have it saved on my computer, but it was something else. Too many dialogue scenes and overly detailed descriptions of things and characters. I only made it a little ways before giving up with "You know, this will be easier to just show than describe.". Story and character wise for my current comic, I'm not sure how well it's turning out or how good it will be in the end, my brain defaults my work to mediocre so I tend to be totally blind to what I'm doing right. I know my characters aren't the best for sure since they're all fleshy flaw bags with too many flaws, and I know I could have presented certain scene changes and such better, but that's all I can think of objectively. The art portion is something I at least know I can execute decently, but my color composition is the worst. I'm aware that I need to improve it, and I know what needs to be done, but it's something I can't really accomplish with my comic since I just want to focus on finishing pages. I'll have to make time to draw up some throw-away illustrations to experiment with, which I hope to have a little bit of now that I'm not on a regular update schedule. Also I can't draw vehicles and architecture for the life of me, I've referenced and studied but I still can't wrap my head around it. ALSO extreme angles and perspectives are still things I need work on, like 4-point circular perspective, ground level shots and over the head shots.

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

There's a lot of things I want to improve, but something I haven't seen mentioned yet: I would like to get better at deciphering feedback, how to glean useful things from multiple conflicting feedback.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Ooh that's a good one keii

I haven't really had to deal with that before though because all the negative feedback I've gotten is pretty consistent

Can I ask what the conflicting feedback you got is?

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Oh gosh, I legit spent a long, long moment trying to figure out where to even start

eliushi [Keyspace]

I really like this approach to feedback

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yo Eli this is so good

eliushi [Keyspace]

Mary robinette is goals

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

this is spectacular already

wow

eliushi [Keyspace]

Pretty sure a wiser writer passed this onto me I have since used it a lot and it works for me

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

This is so so good Perfectly said about crits in creative fields

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

One example I can think of isn't actually something that was criticized, but showed up a lot in various ways: "this is (supposed to be) an exciting adventure romp centering Danbi" vs "this is an emotional journey story centering Ethan" ... Not a criticism, but two very conflicting interpretations. People who have one interpretation are shocked and confused when I tell them about the other one.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Holy crap, Eli... This is one for the folder of absolute knowledge

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

woah, excellent advice

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

And yeah, that is a really good one. Symptoms are extremely useful, and diagnoses tend to be more useful in a conversation rather than a one-way "here is my diagnosis" thing

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I haven't heard it said before but the explaining eliminating a clean reaction rings so true to me

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Ahhh, this is literally the one document I have needed my entire life

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

also the helping someone tell the story they want

also the stream of consiousness, MAn

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I think I'll save that for my future high schoolers lol

some of the stuff said there is what I've noticed in the last few years critquing in academic settings but its nice to kno!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

People have given me stream of consciousness reactions before and they were the most helpful. Almost all the changes in the story from others' reactions were from stream of consciousness reactions, not intentional critiques

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, one of the most helpful "critique" I ever got was also completely unintentional

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

One of the most useful tips in this guide for me in particular is the "As a writer don't:" section. I struggle with it a lot.

On the note of things we are bad at in the comic-making process, I am very bad at taking critiques!(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

tbh for a long time, my biggest struggling point that's not in the "as a writer don't:" is "don't throw yourself into the void of self-hate." I'm better now, but boy, when it was bad, it was bad.

But perhaps that kinda thing better fits into "as a person don't:"

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I am pretty good at taking critiques, but pretty bad at giving critiques! Right now the point I'm at is I'm just gonna not give critiques until I'm more mature

But then after I decided that an amateur writer friend told me his story idea that I not only disliked but was sort of offended by

and I really wanted to tell him but I didn't know how to do it nicely...

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

ooof

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

oh no

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yeah, that's really tough

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

rip I tend to do kinda a sandwich method. I had to say some rough things few days ago on a practice pitch run and I pretty much said

Deo101 [Millennium]

Uh oh

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

"Your idea is developing for sure, but I think you need to reconsider some of the world building choices you done. Have you thought of researching such and such."

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

That's basically what I said

But I think I had to say "research ffs" in increasing intensity like 3 times lol

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Oh, nice, the "let's give them compliments too so that they know I'm not just being mean" method

It's a good method tbh

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Rip it's not that like

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Deo might have something to say about this but it was about schizophrenics in a mental institution being portrayed in a real weird way by someone who didn't know anything about it(edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Ooof

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ah man

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

ewww

Deo101 [Millennium]

I'll always stand by "asking people who've lived what you're writing about is the best form of research and can't be replaced"

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Yeah I would said the to the person consider researching more on the topic and interview folks who have schizophrenia

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Dude I brought you up lmao

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

and also like "is there a reason you want to depict it this way?"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

oooh

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I know I'm agreeing idk... Idk what else I'd have to say on the topic

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

That's a very good question to ask someone

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

and depending on their responses, I would just put my two scents in there that rip

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I always ask "what are your goals?" Before I ask anything else

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

critiques are kinda my strong point sinc eLMAO I do em all the time in my class

and teaching so yeah LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Deo I mean I brought you up to this guy like saying "my friend messaged people online and they were super willing to talk to her you could do that"

Deo101 [Millennium]

OHHHHH gotcha

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I try my best to figure out what they want out of it and just deliever with some handful of suggestions

but I won't sugarcoat it unless you're a high school student or younger lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I'm often told I'm a lil too harsh but like idk

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I wouldn't say sugar coating it per say... More just telling them what their strengths are too, so that they have an idea of where they're at

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

telling someone their strengths is just as useful as telling them their flaws

that way they can highlight them

like just because you story has no flaws doesn't mean it's good right?

gotta have stuff that stands out in a good way as well

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Someone once phrased it as "Let's list everything that's wrong here, and find out how we can fix them" vs "How do we take this to the next level?" and that really resonated with me. It's not about sugarcoating; it's more about helping them get to the next level in the direction they wanna go.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

THIS

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I try to point out things that are going well, and I usually try to only point at things that ppl can work on immediately

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I should phrase my statement more clearly. But yeah Kei that's what I usually look for when critiquing

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

There's often no need to tell them "your writing is only at level 3, and that's bad because the max level is 99." Just tell them how to get to level 4.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I dont' see it like its something bad but something that is challenging to them at the time

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Unless they have extremely unrealistic expectations or whatever that are standing in their own way

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

just have to figure out how to get out of the hump

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Yep. I see this phenomenon in animation a lot. A good animation director will help you boost your existing work to something stronger, but still yours. A bad one will tell you to do it their way, and chide you for doing it ‘wrong.’

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

rip I know a person like that and lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yessssss

That's why I always ask "what are your goals" to start

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yup

🌈ERROR404 🌈

I totally agree!!!! A LOT of the most important bits of great criticism is understanding exactly where the original creator was intending to go, and formatting your statements around helping them achieve that!!!!!!!

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Critiques are impossible if you don't know what the person is trying to achieve

🌈ERROR404 🌈

Just stating things that you would change if you were making it may seem useful and relevant to you the critic, but unless the creator is headed the exact same direction as you, they have just as much reason to invalidate the entire statement as they do to nit pick out the things they care to agree with

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Sometimes a prospective critic is simply too far removed from the target audience of the work, like on a fundamental level, and it makes it impossible to give them useful feedback. I think it's important to acknowledge that this can happen. It happens to me a lot and I just decline to give crits when it does.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, like don't ask me to critique a comic about sports lmao

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I agree on that notion, esepcially when seeing professional aritsts giving crits to folks starting out but it doesn't go as er ideal as they thought it would be

Deo101 [Millennium]

That's why I usually only seek out criticsm (for more than just general direction/advice) from people who's work I like

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I remember reading advice on getting beta readers, and it’s really REALLY important that they’re excited for your stuff. They want to make it better. They care. They can give critique, but they absolutely must be jazzed about your subject matter in some way, or else it’ll be a slog for everyone.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

for me, I have my peers who I contact daily and we give each other advice, tips

despite having er difference interests in fields, but we experienced a lot in our program lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yes... (Speaking of if anyone wanted to beta read my next comic uhhhh let me know id love to have u)

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

very good point claire

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

100 percent agree Get people who are excited and know your vision

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I have a small group of writer friends who know all my goals and a lot of my stuff? So they make a very good little critique circle, and we all help eachother

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I'm always ready to beta read if it's a concept I enjoy

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like people who critique comics they hate. I'm like, damn, tough work but also ?? why

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

(Be careful about people who are excited about what they think is your vision.............)

Deo101 [Millennium]

Fish is this a callout for me

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

slightly?

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ahsjfkdjdkskdjdjdj

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Keii I experienced the oppisisite like rip

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

it's just mystifying to me, I don't think it's wrong or anything

Deo101 [Millennium]

Also crona I'll send u when I'm at my comp

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

sure

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

What do you mean Tuyetnhi?

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Ohh that would be oof to deal with Kei

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I had to let a person down to reality bc I know they're excited about their idea but uhhhh

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

(Is it the fish romance?)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

it wasn't engaging to me

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yes that one qjdjfkskdkk

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

nor my illustration friends

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I don’t have beta readers but I think that’s how it all goes lol

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

and we were like

"AAAAAAA"

Deo101 [Millennium]

Oh that's awkward

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Ooooooohhhhhhh... oof

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I have a couple friends I send pages to sometimes but they're always really positive about it

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

It was a rough critique

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Having creative friend circles is so essential for growth and screaming at eachothers works for motivation too

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yessss

Also just the ability to talk about your process without having to explain yourself

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

agreed lol

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I occasionally tap my fiance's shoulder and shove my sketches in his face with zero context, just to make sure he can figure out what's going on without me explaining. Super helpful

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I feel like I have a couple friends where, when I read their stuff, I know things that would amp their work up tenfold. But until they ask me... I’m screaming inside lol

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

my friend always makes me feel like i'm a better writer than i am because she thinks so much like me she gets everything i write perfectly lol. But then I post and the comments are like "wtf i'm confused"(edited)

eliushi [Keyspace]

Yeah feedback is most effective when both sides are open and invested

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Claire Senpai Wants To Help

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

also same crona(edited)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It’s not bad, I just go I THINK I CAN HELP YOU MAKE IT AWESOMER AHHHHHH

eliushi [Keyspace]

Claire senpaiiii

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

But until then I remain still and supportive

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

why don't you ask them "can i suggest things?"

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I try and keep my mouth shut

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

or "do you want suggestions?"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol

eliushi [Keyspace]

I usually say what I like about it first and then. Are you looking for feedback?

Deo101 [Millennium]

Tbh hearing "can I suggest things?" Usually comes off kinda like "I see stuff wrong with this :)" which can hurt a little even then

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

YEeeeah

🌈ERROR404 🌈

At least for my comic, i have sent bits and pieces for critique from creators i am friends with , but i'm really hesitant promoting myself because I don't feel like I'm not at a place to even get a critique i'll be able to make anything of. O(--( i really don't know what I'd do if someone tried to seriously analyze my plot and break down the story right now

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

It's really hard, because a lot of people (myself included) get scared when someone else asks, "Do you need help?"

Deo101 [Millennium]

I usually trust ppl to say whether they're looking for feedback

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Its always so tricky to gague the reactions of that. Some people handle that better than others So i only offer when they open up

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Based on how people can get about even the offer of critique, yeah, I tend not to say anything. That’s their baby. If they want to open that door, then I’ll poke my head in

eliushi [Keyspace]

True too. I’m already in forums where feedback is wanted so I’m already in selection bias

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, I like to only offer crits if someone is asking for it for that reason

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

for the record i'm always open to critiques

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

kinda mutal agreement on don't chime in unless asked lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, at least in my groups we send things like "hey this and this are bothering me? Can you help?" And other than that it's just support

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, that's a good idea

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

for both parties. For me, If it's something that I need thoughts I ask but otherwise, lmao my social circles ask me for help for their art stuff

Deo101 [Millennium]

We never agreed on that btw it's just kinda how it goes

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

That's a nice group way to handle that AND make the space more breathable for others who are more nervous about crit work

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

exactly

eliushi [Keyspace]

There’s a time and place for everything and feedback is no different

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah! Like here we have seperate chats for help and sharing

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yuss

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

When someone asks me if I'm open to suggestions, my reaction is usually "nOOoooOo..." but not always. I think it helps a ton if there's an existing rapport, like if I already know this person gets, REALLY gets, my work.

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

And that's okay Keii!

eliushi [Keyspace]

Yeah I’m super thankful for my betas for that

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yee same

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s very rewarding when people are also invested in your work to make it better within your means and style

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Honestly u gotta do whats best for u and ur mindset in the end.

Deo101 [Millennium]

It also is a little but awkward to say "no I'm not open to suggestions' cause it feels like you're saying "I don't care to improve" when in reality it's more like "no... I'm happy with this and I don't want it to be soured"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I love the fact that if I post in #creator_art_share, nobody will critique me unless I ask. And if I post in #art_help, I can get that help. So incredibly nice

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yes! Thats very respectful

eliushi [Keyspace]

So key

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Omg Deo.....such a mood LOL

Deo101 [Millennium]

I always feel so bad saying no thanks but it's like it looked good I thought

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

omg, I felt that in my soul

We beat ourselves up enough as it is

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Sometimes i know my work can be farty but... I dont also want perfection in every facet of my pieces too and thats okay! Some are learning pieces, others more indulgent

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I think I'd be very hesitant to accept ideas that will utterly break my core plot... unless someone comes out and outright tells me something about it is offensive or wrong or otherwise bad. But critique on the connective tissue between the bones, so to speak, heck yes. I've gotten some much better ideas from that.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

e.e even if i post in art share i would be honored to receive a critique from any of you

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Oh, if someone comes to me with suggestions that are that incompatible with my vision, I'm getting outta there.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

but i don't wanna post every single thing i do in art help hm

but maybe i should

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I am SO getting outta there.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I did had some suggestions that didn't... really help with my comic most of it are just comments and not pure criticism

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Just post it lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah it's probably best to leave crit in the crit section so as not to break that unspoken rule.

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

To signal to the rest of us

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yea your vision is key, and i find that people who crit the work need a basic understanding of it for it to be a True Crit

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Yeah it's probably best to leave crit in the crit section so as not to break that unspoken rule.

good point

i wouldn't want people critiquing me to make others feel like it's okay to do that to everyone

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

A good attitude!!! Y'all are very respectable this is a wonderful topic

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yeee

eliushi [Keyspace]

I think the best feedback is one where it makes your work become more effective within your vision. Sometimes it’s finding the betas who are invested but I also find betas who focus on different crafts also can offer a lot of wisdom. I find it comes down to being open and it’s never a bad thing to ask for clarification

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

[also writes this down for a potential lesson actvity for high schoolers] (edited)

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Yeah, a critique is supposed to help the work become a better version of itself, not a better [something else]

Deo101 [Millennium]

Mostly with true beta reading I am looking for "how clear is my work coming off to someone who knows nothing of my lore and backstory etc?"

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I like the idea of having at least one beta reader who's a writer, and at least one who's not. The writer can dissect things a bit more than a 'civilian' could while the civilian can look at surface-level things and react as the audience majority might.

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

multiple beta readers are a blessing lol

Deo101 [Millennium]

Cause with my friends, they already know everything I'm planning, so i worry a lot that they are putting together things that a regular reader wouldn't

So yeah same thing as a "civilian" reader, sort of!

eliushi [Keyspace]

For sure. Within my critique group I have novelists, webcomic creators and artists. Those who read the complete script and those who haven’t. It’s important to have all sides I find

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

Dang you people with your luxury of multiple beta readers... I don't even have one (but it's mostly my fault; my scripts are unreadable)

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

omg lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i'm sure you could use many of us as beta readers if you wanted to!

varethane

that surface-level 'first gut reaction' crit can be SO useful

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I change dialogue too frequently for a beta reader to have a fair chance, lol

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I started early with one years ago, but now I have like 5-10ish but they can't help me at the same time lmao

varethane

I agree upthread with when it was said that some of the most helpful crit was given unintentionally lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

same. i asked some people, including deo and crona, for a beta read of a script a while back but then ended up changing most of it lol(edited)

eliushi [Keyspace]

Most of my betas I found in forums like these! I’m sure a lot of us want to help each other out!

Deo101 [Millennium]

I usually only share stuff once I have at least a solid sketch and dialogue is in

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

so much changes in the thumbnail/layout stage for me. SO MUCH. whole scenes get swapped/cut/extended

I never keep it the same way

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't like to share scripts cause also I don't usually script much anyways lol

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

@keii’ii (Heart of Keol) As a long-time reader of HoK, I would be more than happy to beta read if you ever wanted it. Just throwing that out there!

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

same Lazuli like

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I'd love to beta read for anyone too

varethane

I prefer sharing sketched pages because my scripts usually change SO much in between being written and going onto the page

like, sometimes they're outright unrecognizable

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

@Deo101 [Millennium] Same. The couple times I really wasn't unsure about a scene, I had to find someone and give them cleaned up thumbnails

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah I don't share more than sketched pages with dialogue

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

SUPER cleaned up thumbnails

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

from thumbnail to final, like they aren't the same from before lmao

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Most helpful critique for me was just someone engaging with the story. "Man I love - and -, they're such good friends, but - pisses me the fuck off" and that was my intention, but i realized it was coming on a bit stronger than i liked and changed the next scene dramatically to make a future plot point where the last character needs to be trusted feel more earned(edited)

varethane

(anyone who seriously is down for beta reading, I have 3 finished chapters burning a hole in my buffer hhnnnnggggg)

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah cause also like, 80% of the crit is usually "well this paneling is unclear" kind of stuff too

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

also i don't mind if anyone is asking me to beta read

Deo101 [Millennium]

Which you can't do from a script anyways

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

or (I don't usually do this often but)

I'm also a sensitivity beta reader too

so if you have questions about POC stuff, asian-american, er mixed-asian or mixed-black experiences

I'm willing to help lmao

but i'm just one perspective to the table

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

A lot of comments, not critiques, have influenced scenes I put later too. Things to clarify, expand, emphasize. I take every comment like that as an idea. I love knowing what the readers hope to learn.

eliushi [Keyspace]

I’m in the midst of a 180k plus word count novel beta and alphaing a couple works but once that’s all done, happy to take a look too

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

holy

Deo101 [Millennium]

Wowie

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Getting trustful beta readers i gotta say again is so important bc sometimes when asking for some, u run into betas that are there to just exploit that privilege too (tho rare) And!!!! Be respectful of ur betas on the other side of the spectrum

Deo101 [Millennium]

Exploit how?

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like to read your work early?

eliushi [Keyspace]

Definitely pick your betas wisely

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Usually just the free ride of Knowing the Story or the opportunity to just Constantly Crit (non helpful) bc of personal reasons

Deo101 [Millennium]

Damn

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I'm imagining having someone sneak in as a beta and reveal they're a rabid toxic fan trying to influence the plot to their liking. As an absolute worst scenario

Deo101 [Millennium]

Spooky

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yea.... There's def ppl out there that would do that THOUGH RARE again. I think that's more of like Competition in the field or spite? But ive heard it happening and its not cool

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like people just looking for a free ticket to complain about your work?

i can see that

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

Oh yeah, I had folks like that before

after that I'm just like "thank you for your time" and block them after LMAO

Deo101 [Millennium]

That sucks :(

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

hhhhhhh

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yea And u can always tell a sincere crit from a one that comes from a place of malice and ill intent pretty easy.

eliushi [Keyspace]

Exactly

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

oof

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Still!!! A horrible experience

Deo101 [Millennium]

:< yeah

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah.. I've never had anything like that happen, but wow... that's a terrifying notion

eliushi [Keyspace]

You tend to want to know your betas more than just them being a reader too. I like to think my betas are my friends and it’s a two way street where I help them too

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Some betas sign papers of confidentiality to avoid these instances of people running off with ur work too

eliushi [Keyspace]

There are paid betas but that’s business side and yeah Krispy

Deo101 [Millennium]

/stress

eliushi [Keyspace]

I don’t have them for mine

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Its scary bc we're all so small and our work is mainly for free U have to be wary of this

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I could easily see myself getting sucked into a bad situation like that I trust people too easily sometimes

but ugh... ya gotta learn

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s good to know the risks. That being said, I think the rewards of having a good beta far exceed the bad apples. You have to set good boundaries

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Not that any of yall would do this omgjghg

Deo101 [Millennium]

Same Claire ajdjdnsdjjjdjdjdjddj

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

gonna steal all y'alls IDEAS

eliushi [Keyspace]

It’s also totally valid to say, hey something came up and I can’t beta anymore

Key is communication

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

lmao ya gotta kill me for my ideas

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Isossn Watch out for that Claire lady

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

https://tenor.com/view/laugh-giggle-mutley-dick-dastardly-snicker-gif-5552702

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Omg Eli yesssSSSSS that!!! Is important for both creator and beta to have that communication

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Oh no, my precious ideas!!!

Deo101 [Millennium]

Eh even if u steal my ideas you can never steal my characterizations!

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

just steal everything and make a horrible hodgepodge of all of our webcomics, like some sick frankenstein's monster

Deo101 [Millennium]

I don't think my ideas are the best part of my stories anyways :P

Ahsjdjfjdjfjdjfjdififiididkfkdje Frankensteins webcomic

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

my ideas are relevant to my cultural background so I'm like lmao

eliushi [Keyspace]

I learned from my novel days that ideas are dime and dozen and it’s the execution that counts(edited)

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I would actually love that tbh

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Oh no id read it tho XD

Deo101 [Millennium]

Massive crossover event

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

YES

PLEASE

eliushi [Keyspace]

Super smash bros when

varethane

lmao

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

hahaha

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I really want people going into healthcare to critique my personal statement, but I won't send it to anyone because I've legitimately heard of people stealing others' personal statements and getting both people rejected

Deo101 [Millennium]

Wow

eliushi [Keyspace]

That’s scary and unfortunate

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

ooof

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

it's almost worse than stealing a story idea because you're stealing like

someone's life story??

or their personality??

it's extremely strange to me

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah that's ??????

eliushi [Keyspace]

I would consider having a mentor look over your statement but that’s veering off creator babble territory

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

oh i am doing that and very very thankful to them

Deo101 [Millennium]

Good suggestion and good point

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

After recently seeing a whole comic style/theme completely and obviously lifted from another one... yeah, the things that make your comic yours? They can absolutely be stolen whole-cloth

It's scary

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

oh no

god what even is the fun in that??

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I don't know. I really don't.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you know what i want to spend years doing? telling a story that's already been told, except worse!

varethane

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've had someone steal designs before

varethane

dpsofasdj I am so curious about these cases now aaahhh

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ppl do steal stuff. But what sucks for them is I'm the one with a brain and I can make new things

eliushi [Keyspace]

I’ve seen similar styles but have not seen a purposeful recreation of another’s style whether as impersonation or plagiarism

Haruh2 (Colony Life)

i just read a webtoon that was "inspired" by an anime with many ideas from anime too

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It was a case where I always thought the two looked surprisingly similar, but then... yeah, you learn more things and you go AW GOD OKAY

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

this, and offensive stuff, is a case where i think unsolicited critique is 100% okay

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, though then it's the line of "is it offensive just to me? Or overall?"

Though I guess saying "this offended me" isn't horrible or whatever

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i think of the trend of lgbt youtubers making videos making fun of anti-lgbt crap and that's a case where i'm like yeah! pile on!

You have a good point and there are cases where something is almost objectively offensive

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah, and then there are other cases where ppl are offended by how I've decided to have no homophobia where it's like "okay sure but I'm not doing anything wrong"

But yeah there are definitely times where it's like "no that's bad for sure and I'm allowed to be critical of and mad about it"

I also think there's a difference between criticizing mass media and criticizing independent media

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Wait What what omg???? Thats???? So backwards

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

well, here's an anti-critique. it offends me when someone says that being lgbt must be hard and sad all the time!

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah! I'd agree with that LOL

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

can I just be happy

as a bi woman

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

"IT'S NOT LIKE MY LIFE THEREFORE IT'S INACCURATE"

Deo101 [Millennium]

Ahdjfjskfkdkckskfksdksk yeah

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

So true tho!!

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

God, I hate that argument

Deo101 [Millennium]

Though I do think that its worth it to open yourself up to that kind of critique to potentially reach the people who do need your story

Krispy §[Ghost Junk Sickness]§

Yes def agree

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

True true

If there's a blind spot you're missing, then for sure

Deo101 [Millennium]

Well, I was meaning more like "you can't please everyone, but that shouldn't stop you from trying your best anyways!"

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Ah! also true

Deo101 [Millennium]

Like not necessarily blind spots, but more like. Some people will be mad no matter what sorta thing

Yee

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

so tru

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Yeah for sure. I've tried to cover my bases on certain things in my own work, but I'm sure if it ever gets bigger, someone will be unhappy about something.

I'm not ready for that day, but... maybe it'll come

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah. Like I said I had someone get mad at me for not having homophobia

Where it's like... Okay stop reading then cause this isn't the story for you

Actually my friends replied to then and they did kinda turn around on their thinking, I think, so that was nice!

There's something I'm bad at for the question, is replying to my comments

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

oh? :0

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

okay sometimes i've said to my friends "yo weird ass comment, right?" and they've gone and defended me like way extra hard

i'm always grateful but also a little (edited)

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah same. .

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

too mch man

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah it's like Thank you but

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I do have some weird comments but the ones that I just kinda trying to offend me

I don't look at it till after a few months and respond to them calmly lmao

no point for me to just get rilied up for someone trying to get on my nerves but rip that's probably just me and how I deal with that stuff in irl too

I don't let my friends go after bozos lmao

Deo101 [Millennium]

Yeah for me I just like. Try really hard to be diplomatic, I guess? But it takes a lot of energy

When what I WANT to say is "lol read another comic then" or something but I try to think of a way to be nice

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

yee I understand on that. for me I'm just say it as it is if at's the moment but for more heated comments I address them after a few months lol

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I haven't gotten any weird randos yet apart from... one legendary one But things are always calmer on your own site far away from Tapas/Webtoons

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I agree on that but lmao

I did had one angry commenter going agro for few of my pages

and I looked at it and I was like "Oh worm man"

they were just reacting to my characters being shit LMAO

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

OH WORM MAN

very good

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I ignore it tbh. I recently had someone comment "All lives matter" at the end of my comic because I included "Black lives matter" at the end. And I honestly knew i didn't have the mental fortitude to explain to them why that was so rude and missing the point.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

lol my mom is saying that stuff and i'm just like :|

okay mother

Tuyetnhi (Only In Your Dreams!)

I guess for writing for me, now thinking about it is that

on the prompt: I don't respond quick and I'm not really active much on interaction but I want to try more

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I haven't gotten any weird randos yet apart from... one legendary one But things are always calmer on your own site far away from Tapas/Webtoons

I really haven't either though! Just a few people saying mildly :| things, no hate or anything. Wt is not always as scary as its reputation

or maybe i'm in the eye of the hurricane idk

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

lol

I have had mostly good experiences too

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've had mostly good too!

I know I complain a lot but really I'm just salty and that's just a few bad things here and there

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

The comment I was thinking about earlier was just an innaccurate interpretation of characters' feelings. They thought some people had a romantic history. I wasn't going to respond but my friend went all "if you actually read the comic you would see th- " and I was thinking omg tone it down a bit

Deo101 [Millennium]

Bajsjdjekdjdkdjd

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

never underestimate the Friend Army

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I had a reader I didn't know defend me in the comments once. The original commenter was complaining about the length of my updates, and the other reader started railing on them. It was powerful lmao. I didn't even need to say anything

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Oh! same

Deo101 [Millennium]

I've had some ppl defend me or explain for me and it's like. Idk a special kind of magic ahahahah

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Oh for sure! It feels magical to know that some of your readers passionately love your work

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

Update-length complainers are so cathartic to smack down. Not that I've done it, I just... like seeing it

You're getting a free comic. Made by a human with a life. Chill

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

All my comments are normal where are my weirdos

boogeymadam

someone take some of my weirdos, my comic attracts them

but not really because i accidentally gave claire one of my weirdos and i feel Sooooo bad

Haruh2 (Colony Life)

i feel im still a long way off from getting anyone with my comic

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

weirdos are contagious apparently

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

You don't have to be popular to get a weirdo

Sometimes like... you could have 1 regular commenter and that person is a weirdo

or not even a commenter, you show your work to a RL friend before posting it online, and the friend takes off their mask dramatically, and reveals their True Identity as a professional weirdo

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

for real, i was posting on SJ and had all of like a dozen followers and one guy went through and heavily critiqued a ton of my pages

Like technical stuff like paneling and flow of action?

Also said my female lead looks like a man and my animation was nauseating lol

Haruh2 (Colony Life)

heh well after i do this current update im working on, i'll be scraping how ive been doing updates and following some tutorials i finally found

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

I like critique but even so that guy was :|

boogeymadam

omg noooo sorry that happened fish! D: unsolicited critics are some of the worst

DanitheCarutor

I guess that is the one thing I've been lucky with. I actually don't mind unsolicited critique, but I've never gotten any outside of one time someone corrected my character's grammar in the comments. Commentary like that is way more welcome than the occasional anonymous hate comment, and malicious article calling me a fetishist, which is all entertaining in its own way but not as easy to deal with. Now that critique is brought up I'm reminded that I need to work on how I respond to it. Like, I actually get kind of excited when someone takes the time to break down my stuff (even if it totally misses the mark with what I'm trying to accomplish), but I end up responding with a novel and sometimes it's worded in a way that sounds like I'm upset. I need to get better at keeping it short and sweet.

Feather J. Fern

I raise my hand to say I can't draw hands for the life of me still after praticing for a long time. I used all the techiques, tricks, and still my hands are just butts.

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

make a universe where people have butts for hands

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

This is a really minor one and thankfully easy to correct after publishing, but: my ESL-ness shows sometimes, especially with prepositions and articles. My English isn't terrible; there's just some occasional "wait did they mean 'on' where they put 'in'..." That's on the surface level. I also can't do that 'just write the dialog and see how the characters bounce off each other' thing in English. I hadn't thought much about that until I started writing a story in Korean, and I was surprised how much easier it was to get flowin' with the dialog. I'm not toooo concerned about this one, as Get Flowin' is just one way of writing a scene. But it is a thing.

Feather J. Fern

Eightfish stop calling me out that I can draw butts better than hands okay(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

feather have fun drawing the gluteus maximus

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I see nothing wrong here

Moral_Gutpunch

I'm bettign most people here can draw hands better than me.(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

S’okay, my hand drawing is pretty bad

Feet is...also an issue

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

The best reference is the one attached to you, I always say

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

or make your so pose for you

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yes

That

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

looks back at comic and sees lots of guy characters with slender palms MHMMMM

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Hahaha

Lol

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

ahahha i have the same problem

some guys have thick ass fingers when i look at them closely omg

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yeah, everyone has pretty thin fingers in mine, because I have thin fingers(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Okay yeah not gonna lie I HAVE made my SO pose for me. Several times.

Oh yeah don’t forget

Guys can have hairy knuckles too

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

I have had my SO pose his hands retroactively for me, imitating a panel I did And I was screaming inside LOL

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

this stuff makes me :00

Deo101 [Millennium]

I have hairy knucles and my hands are bigger than my dads

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Ughhhh, that's too much detail for me, Shadow

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Yoslslzlzrhlzxzzkhzhlztututs funnily enough my SO’s hands and mine are of similar length

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

For such a small person, I have really long fingers

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

reminded me of a convo i had with some friends

they sent a reference and said they thought it was unrealistic because of how much the tendons stick out

and i said, no, that's how mine look

and it was interesting seeing the differences

Deo101 [Millennium]

everyone share hands

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I mean, especially since your fingers are stretched, the tendons stick out lol(edited)

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Someone told me I have piano fingers

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

like i always think of my hands as the 'default,' because I see them the most but really there is much variation

deo has nice hands

look elegant

shadows hands look a lot like the rest of her :0

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Whhhhhhhhh

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

tall librarian

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

GJOXJPSLZLJZDXKXYOF

Yeah true XD

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

My nails are super long rn

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Holy shit the manicures

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I did it myself

Deo101 [Millennium]

thank U i have lovely hands that are big as fuck, and I can use as a ruler

because my pinky and thumb can stretch out exactly 10 inches

this cup is 10 inches tall

youre welcome

keii’ii (Heart of Keol)

I have stubby baby hands as well as double jointed fingers, so I'm very aware my hands aren't "average" looking. Yet if I don't pay attention, I tend to draw hands kind of like mine

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Hahahaha, Deo!!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

wow so useful i should measure my hands

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Me too tbh

Deo101 [Millennium]

I atually suggest it it comes in handy (ha) more than youd think

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i found a joint that measures exactly 1 inch and i use it so much

Deo101 [Millennium]

yeah!!!

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Whoooooa

Mine goes 8 inches

Deo101 [Millennium]

my hands are fookin hyuge bro

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

Wait

8.5

YEAH YOURS ARE GIANT

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

exactly 8 inches

omg your hands are huge

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Mine stretch out to just under 7.5 inches

Deo101 [Millennium]

in yalls defense I also have ehlers danlos so theyre probably stretching more than yours too

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

I have smol hands because I am smol

Deo101 [Millennium]

tiney

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Yus

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

surprised shadow managed to find a way to measure in inches haha

Deo101 [Millennium]

she said it wrong its actually 8.5 cm

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

8.5 inches

I used a ruler

In cm it’s 21

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

she said it wrong its actually 8.5 cm

hm maybe that's why she thinks hands are hard to draw

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

LMHfhgzmzjKfhl

Deo101 [Millennium]

because she has tiny baby hands and can barely hold the pencil... yes

its all coming together

shadowhood {SunnyxRain}

I will slap y’all with my tiny baby doll hands

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

i'm learning so much about you all today

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Now you see my pain

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

o h wait do you play music crona?

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Uh... Not really. I've messed around on the piano, and failed at playing the French horn

Deo101 [Millennium]

LMAO

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

Playing instruments is hard for smol hands

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

rip

Feather J. Fern

My tiny hands compared to my pen XD

Also I took the picture close up and at an angle so not cone cna make fun of my writsts which are narrower than my computer mouse

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

my wrists are also narrower than my mouse, and my mouse is pretty small

Deo101 [Millennium]

mine's about the same as my mouse

Feather J. Fern

Yeah I got a pretty small mouse too, I been told by people to eat more becuase of my wrists (It's an Asian thing apparently) and I'm like "First of all rude, second of all my health is not any of your concern random lady on the street"

Cronaj ~{Whispers of the Past}~

yup

Tiny wrist solidarity!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

Solidarity!

varethane

I don't have especially thin wrists but my hands are lowkey shaped pretty oddly. I only posted a photo of my hand petting a cat to FB and got a lot of comments like 'cute cat but what's with that hand????'

(it did look pretty weird from that angle. Like a noodle with a couple of noodlefingers at the end)

spacerocketbunny

Oh no Vare ;;;;;3;;;;;;;;;

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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writingandchocolatemilk · 6 years

Text

Asylum - Chapter One

Hello, welcome to this venture !

This is a fic co-written by myself and @somebratinamask

There are several chapters planned, but for now there are two written. This is a fic primarily devoted to RusAme, but GerIta is essential to the plot and will come up later.

We hope you enjoy.

On AO3. On FFn.

Chapter One : The Delusions of Alfred F. Jones

Alfred F. Jones was an honest, true, good American, and as such, he did not lie. Well, sometimes he had to lie, but that was always for the greater good, for helping people, so it wasn't the same thing as lying-lying. It was like telling kids about Santa, or the Tooth Fairy, because it was fun and for their own good, and that was why Alfred lied, sometimes, but not today.

No, not today when the concerned nurse frowned down at him and asked him: "Why did you go into the burning building, Alfred? Can you tell me that?"

So, Alfred F. Jones said what he said when it wasn't a Santa situation, which was the truth: "Because I'm a fireman."

The nurse, who had kind eyes even if her mouth was set a little hard, looked at him with soft admiration. "No, Alfred, you're not a fireman. Can you tell me why you ran into the fire?"

Of course Alfred was a fireman, he had wanted to be a fireman since he was, what, seven years old? He had been running into smoky buildings for, what, at least six years now? Something like that, after college, and he just hadn't had time to grab his equipment, but people had been in trouble, and so Alfred did what firemen do and ran into the fire.

He told the nurse this.

And then Matthew burst into the room.

"You're an idiot, Alfred!" Matthew said, voice on the edge of hysterics.

"Calm down, Mattie, I'm f—"

"You're not fine! You almost died from smoke inhalation, Alfred, do you understand me!? You almost died." Matt collapsed in a chair and put his face in his hands. "I can't do this anymore, Alfred, I just can't."

God, his brother was so hysterical sometimes. He always blew things out of proportion and always bitched and moaned about how Alfred wasn't being responsible, but Alfred saw an issue and you know what, Alfred acted, that was more than Matthew could say for himself.

But, of course, it wasn't Alfred's job to tell Matt how timid he was. Alfred struggled to sit up under the wires checking his pulse and the IV lines and the oxygen mask, and leaned over to give Mattie a reassuring squeeze on the knee, and a kind smile, because it was alright.

"Mattie, come on now, I've gotten into scrapes worse than this. I'm a fireman, remember—"

Matthew looked at the nurse, eyes wide. "He does this. He's fine for a few months and then he'll do something fucking stupid like this and—and—he's never done anything like this before. It's just—he'll climb trees to get cats or walk around at night being a vigilante he's never… never…"

The nurse clicked her tongue.

…

In hindsight, Alfred should have lied.

He had nothing against the nurse, he was sure she was perfectly fine in her spare time, but also she was sort of a giant bitch.

…

This new nurse, a woman with a smile that was much warmer than the other nurse, took his blood pressures and asked him if he was on any medication, explained her name was Amy, and that she was going to be showing him around, where the bathrooms were, that he had to keep his wristband on with his name.

The whole place was basically a giant circle, with rooms lining either side—well, not a circle, but a square, but it looped around—and there was only one set of doors out, the one that Alfred came through. He had been buzzed in and then Amy had relocked the doors.

"Hey, Amy," Alfred said, giving her a warm smile, "why are the doors locked?"

Well, apparently not everyone wanted to be here, which was fair. Alfred didn't particularly want to be here either, but he wondered if Amy thought he was one of the unruly ones, because of course he wasn't, even if that bitchy nurse had listened to his hysterical brother, but this was a misunderstanding.

Alfred found that if he was agreeable, even if it was silly, people cut him slack.

Still though. He eyed the locked doors as they passed by. And the nurses' station was locked. He watched the nurses—who didn't wear scrubs, even though they were in the hospital—jingle their keys to enter the sections Alfred was barred from.

Amy returned. "Have you ever taken antipsychotic pills, Alfred?"

"Nah, I'm healthy."

Amy nodded, and then explained that he wasn't a fireman—Jesus, what was it with these people? You'd think they had his autobiography run through an antonym machine—and that these pills would help him have a better grip on his "situation."

Alfred smiled and swallowed them down pleasantly enough.

At least Matthew had brought him an overnight bag.

…

Alfred had never had a roommate before.

Alfred watched his sleeping form intently, chin resting in his hand. The only roommate he had ever had was Mattie, and it was exactly as much fun as was to be expected. Matthew hadn't even let Alfred get a dog—can you believe that? Get a dog, like Matt was his dad or some shit.

"Can I help you?" The roommate was looking at Alfred.

Alfred grinned. "Good, you're up. I'm Alfred F. Jones, and I'm a fireman. I hope we can split this rent evenly between the two of us, and I'm getting a dog, so I hope you're a dog person."

The roommate blinked at him. "Hello, Alfred, it's three in the morning. I would appreciate it if you would stop muttering and let me get some sleep."

Ah, so if that was how the roommate was going to be, that was fine. But of course, they wouldn't let Alfred switch roommates, it was too late or early or something, and this other nurse was much bigger and had an actual uniform on, and he told Alfred to get back to bed in a way Alfred was familiar with, because it was usually how people spoke to him before they punched him.

"Hey, easy, big guy! Alright, alright, I'm going to bed. It's just that this guy over here sucks, and—"

"Back to bed, Jones."

Two out of the three nurses so far were giant dickheads. Alfred was not impressed.

…

"Alfred?"

Alfred stood up and gave a little bow to the circle. "Hello, all! I am Alfred F. Jones, the best damn fireman this side of the Mississippi, which is saying a lot, considering how heavily populated the East Coast is! See these burns? I got them from saving people from a blaze! I had smoke inhalation."

Of course, no one was awake this early in the morning, and the nurses took his blood pressure and talked to him in soothing voices and gave him more pills and no one even asked what it was like being a fucking fireman, which was cool as shit, but whatever, fine.

One jumpy kid gave him a curious look. "Are you really a fireman?"

Alfred jumped on the opportunity this—what was his name? Feli-something? This Feli, then—gave him. Yes, you should have seen the fire. Alfred threw his hands in the air, making a whooshing noise of the timbers being eaten—the heat, Feli, you could have felt it from forty feet away, and it was night, of course, so Alfred's eyes had been drawn to the light like a moth to a flame, the cinders flying into the air so high they could have burned the underside of planes—

Which was a thought, because Alfred had a pilot's license, too—

But the fire, yes, and Alfred had just known there was someone calling for help, trapped under a fallen support beam, so of course Alfred had barged in there, searching frantically through the smoke, his glasses practically melting on his nose.

Feli watched, enraptured, captivated by this story, and Alfred was happy he could make at least one friend in this place.

…

The afternoon brought with it drowsiness. Alfred sat on his bed, looking at the bandages on his hands, rerunning the story he had told that Feli-kid, fixing details he had forgotten, like how this woman was worried about her baby and was yelling for help, that was—

"I haven't introduced myself."

Alfred looked up at the shit roommate. "Oh, now you want to talk?"

"Yes, when it's not the middle of the night, I think you will find me much more amicable. I'm Ivan."

Alfred rolled his eyes.

"So, you're a fireman? I heard that little story you told Feliciano."

Ah, so Ivan had been listening. Well, good. "Yeah, but I had forgotten some stuff. There's a lot to it, you know, there's a lot to saving people."

"And being a pilot?"

That's right, that's where Alfred had received his firefighting training. You just don't show up to a big ass fire without training, so they taught that in the air force, in case the planes ever caught fire on the air force ships, or the field, how to save people. Alfred wasn't lying about that, Alfred didn't lie, like everyone kept saying.

Ivan asked after Alfred's hands, and Alfred had to end up showing him the burns, explaining how it had been from moving fallen timbers, and of course he usually wore gear, but there was no time to act, this lady was screaming for her kid and what was Alfred going to do? What was smoke inhalation to saving a child? A baby, two actually.

Sometimes, you just needed to act.

Ivan gave him a look—probably feeling bad he had been a dick earlier. But by this point, Alfred was tired of talking.

…

Alfred didn't like this doctor.

"Alfred, I'm going to need you to cooperate. The only way you can get better is to work with me here."

The doctor was fucking condescending, that's what. There was nothing wrong with Alfred, this was all a misunderstanding, for fuck's sake Alfred was a pilot, he had saved a family from a fucking fire, he didn't need to be in the hospital, right?

And how were the meds making Alfred feel?

Tired, they were making him tired and sluggish. Alfred had slept all afternoon, and then had been kept in his room by another dickhead nurse who said it was too late to walk, so Alfred was left jiggling his knee all night and wondering where the fuck all his shoelaces had gone, and why hadn't Matthew packed him anything to do.

And look, he had a twitch.

"That's a side effect."

To what?

And then the doctor spouted off the name of the medication which meant dick-all to Alfred, and again, they were antipsychotic meds, but Alfred wasn't doing anything psychotic!

It was like having the same conversation on a loop.

…

"Alfred."

Alfred focused on Matthew. "Please tell me you brought something for me to do. I'm bouncing off the walls here, I'm going fucking crazy."

Matt nodded. "I brought you the stuff you keep hidden under your bed."

The good stuff, how did he know where Alfred kept the good stuff? All the good comics collectors would kill to have—

"Alfred."

"Yeah?"

"Alfred, why do you think you're a pilot?"

"Because how else would I have training for the fire?" Alfred held up his bandaged hands.

Mattie nodded. "So, you're in the military?"

"Yes."

Mattie nodded again. "Okay. How old are you?"

"Do you seriously not know how old I am?"

"Of course I do, I'm your brother. Just humor me and I'll give you comics."

Alfred rolled his eyes. He loved his brother, but look, again with the dad shit, the ultimatums! "I'm twenty-four."

"Okay, and when did you go to the military?"

"I—"

Mattie leaned forward. "No, think about it. It wasn't when you were eighteen, right? Because you went to college for a bit, remember? Until you were twenty-two, right? And then we moved closer to our Dads, right? How were you trained and deployed in two years?"

"People are trained and deployed in two years—"

"No, because you were there for the vow renewals, right?"

Alfred frowned. Yeah, that was right, that shit was boring and long and sappy, and Alfred had nearly torn his skin off keeping still that long, but he had smiled and hugged everyone like his Father had told him to do, good boy.

"Alfred, you're not a pilot, right?"

Right, yeah, of course. Who the fuck had been saying he's a pilot? That's stupid—although, of course, he could see where the confusion could come in, Alfred was very trim and had the calm demeanor of a pilot—but Alfred hadn't had the time to enlist, unfortunately, he was busy at school.

And busy with the volunteer firefighters, of course.

But Alfred kept that to himself and Mattie gave him a box filled with, finally, something interesting.

…

Feli was saying something interesting. "I know it's all in my head, I get that, but it doesn't stop me from hearing things, you know? And then you start to wonder what's real or not, because how can you really know, know, you know? Because sometimes you ignore something and it's real."

…

Ivan tilted his head. "What are you thinking about?"

Alfred picked at the scabs on his hands, irritated with them. They were itchy and he was tired and twitchy and the shit Matthew had brought him had only lasted—only lasted for a few hours, and now Alfred was without things to do, and he was stuck watching boring movies and walking outside for like, two seconds.

So that thing Feli had said the other day was eating at him. Because he had sounded delusional, right? That's what Alfred thought, anyways, because how the fuck do you mishear things that are real? Maybe fake things, but it's like when there's a ringing in your ears, you make a noise in your throat and the fake ringing fades back and you can figure out it was just the blood in your ears.

"Yes, Feliciano has schizophrenic."

Right, exactly, Alfred knew that shit, he was wondering more like, well, what was Alfred doing here? Clearly it was a misunderstanding, but Matthew had been here, and Matt didn't do anything without calling Papa and talking for fucking hours on end, so Alfred's parents knew he was here, but Alfred wasn't a schizo, just—

"You're not delusional?" Ivan asked, raising his eyebrows.

Alfred glared at him. "No, I'm not fucking delusional."

"You take the same pills as Feliciano, don't you?"

Ivan didn't know if they were the same pills.

"I do, actually. Small, yellow, with a line through the middle."

Alfred's mind jumped back to that morning, when meds were being passed out. Yeah, yeah, that sounded about right. That's what his looked like, anyways, and yes, actually, he was sure Feli did take the same ones.

"Same ones Feliciano takes," Ivan insisted.

Well, clearly that was just a mistake, then. All Alfred had to do was go to one of the nurses and tell them they had messed up the medication, just knock on that glass and smile like he did and tell them no, he wasn't a schizophrenic, not like Feli—

"That wouldn't work though, would it?" Ivan asked.

Alfred hesitated at the door. Ivan knew what drugs he and Feli took. "Why wouldn't it?"

Ivan gave a casual shrug and leaned back against his pillows. "I could see them messing up your drugs once, twice, maybe even three times. But you've been here, what, two weeks now? You've talked to the doctor how many times, to your nurse Amy, and they keep giving you the 'wrong' drugs?"

"You're saying it's intentional?"

Ivan gave another little shrug and flipped a page in his book.

No, he couldn't just say that and fuck off. But that didn't make sense, Alfred was in a hospital, why would they give him the wrong medication on purpose? Although, none of the nurses wore any scrubs, and that was just sanitary, wasn't it, wearing scrubs? That had been bugging Alfred, and it was weird how they took his blood pressure, what did that have to do with anything?

And the twitch. Alfred looked at his hand that moved without his permission, and how he had been telling the doctor that he was drowsy. Or maybe they were placebo pills, doctors did that sometimes, too, to test medication. That would explain why they were giving it to Alfred, to test it.

Feli was absolutely no help. He had no idea what medication he was taking, or what it looked like, and he had no idea what his official diagnosis was, he just kept saying something about dopamine, which made no fucking sense. Feli had no idea if any of the nurses were registered, he had no idea what the doctor's last name even was because it was slipping Alfred's mind—

Wait, no it wasn't. What was it that Matthew had been saying the other day? Alfred had gone to college.

Of course Ivan knew what medication Alfred was taking, because Alfred had prescribed it to himself. Ivan must have seen the slip. Relief dropped down Alfred's back like warm water, and he smiled.

…

Ivan leaned close enough to whisper into Alfred's ear without Alfred's coworkers hearing. "I see you're still taking your pills."

Alfred pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose and looked at Ivan through half-lidded eyes. "Of course I'm taking my pills. It would be dumb to waste the prescription. You're wrong, by the way, Feli and I don't take the same meds. I take Flutix and he takes Harbidrole. It's an easy mistake, really, they do look similar, but Harbidrole is used for schizophrenia, while I clearly don't have schizophrenia."

"Ah, so you're a doctor, now."

Yes, of course. Alfred was a little young, sure, but he was in advanced classes, and he was halfway through his residency before this little incident, he was studying—

"And the firefighting?"

What? Oh, yes, well, that was just on a volunteer basis, just to pad his resume so he could get into medical school, which was difficult enough, but Alfred managed it after only a year and a half at undergrad. It—

"So, if you don't mind me asking, why are you in a psych ward, Dr. Jones?"

Part of Alfred's residency, plus Alfred was feeling very stressed with medical school—

"And what is your diagnosis?"

"Like I said," Alfred said primly, "stress, mainly. That's what Flutix is used for. It has to do with dopamine."

"Oh, dopamine, of course. And dopamine has to do with stress, doesn't it, Dr. Jones."

"Yes." Alfred grinned. "Exactly. Very good."

"What are you studying?"

"Psychiatry."

Ivan tilted his head. "Could I ask you a question, Dr. Jones?"

"Of course. You are in a psych ward, of course, and I am studying psychiatry." Dr. Jones was a man of the people after all, and what was a little free consultation among—

"What would you diagnose me with?" Ivan's lips twitched into a small smile. "If you would allow me to pick your brain."

Well, that was an easy one. Ivan was clearly a neurotic, distrustful, prone to conspiracy theories. Dr. Jones didn't know how to concisely put it, but it was clear in the way Ivan distrusted the medication Alfred prescribed himself, and was generally shifty—

"I'm shifty?"

Dr. Jones blinked. "Yeah, you didn't want a roommate, right? Distrustful of someone new."

Ivan's eyes lit up. "Actually, I'm very pleased with the turn of events that led to my new roommate. Thank you, Alfred, this has been enlightening."

Ivan touched Dr. Jones' elbow lightly as he passed.

Dr. Jones watched him walk down the hall. Yeah, that's right, he could diagnose people, because he was a doctor, but he hadn't much time to really get an in-depth look into most patients' brains because he was still so new on the floor, but he had talked to Feli.

Feli glanced up as Dr. Jones approached and smiled, and boy, did Dr. Jones have some great news for Feli. No, Feli, Dr. Jones, Alfred was a doctor, please, stop deflecting, Dr. Jones had some great news for Feli, he didn't have schizophrenia, he had seizures.

Yes, Feli, that's what make sense, doesn't it? It explained the weird hallucinations, why Feli was so absentminded, a mild form of epilepsy, definitely, Feli should definitely let his primary care doctor know as soon as he saw her again—

Yes, of course Dr. Jones was a doctor, he was only a firefighter on a volunteer basis, and even that was pretty rare, no, listen, Feli, Dr. Jones had graduated early from medical school through an advanced program, and was in the middle of his residency and was here to get a feel of where he would be working, and also due to stress.

…

"A doctor? Alfred, does that make sense to you?" the fellow doctor sitting across from Dr. Jones asked.

"That's Dr. Jones to you."

Dr. Jones sat in stubborn silence and the doctor had the audacity to sigh and shuffle papers in front on him, saying they'll try again tomorrow, Alfred.

"That's Dr. Jones."

…

Dr. Jones sat on his bed, exhausted, watching Ivan, who wasn't doing all too terribly much. Now that Dr. Jones thought about it, both Ivan and Mattie did the same boring shit—namely, read a whole bunch. Didn't they get bored? Dr. Jones got bored watching them, and Dr. Jones was so fucking sick of being bored.

"What are you reading?" Alfred asked, nicking the book from Ivan's hands.

"Excuse me, I was reading that."

Yeah, and it was fucking boring. Dr. Jones walked back over to his bed and bent over the book, picking up where Ivan had left off, squinting through the dense, academic writing, trying to follow dates.

"It's a history book," Ivan said from the other side of the room.

Yeah, Dr. Jones could—

"Are you a fan of history?"

No, not really. It was always so dry for Dr. Jones' taste. It was cool when it was wars or explosions or spy missions, but mostly it was a lot of riots or picketing or death or presidents, and while it was interesting to learn, things like that didn't stick in Alfred's head very well, so he was left with a jumble of information and dates that didn't connect.

"I see." Ivan was clearly trying to get his book back with all this talk, but Dr. Jones wasn't—"What does stick in your head, then?"

"Physics." Alfred blinked at his own answer. "Math. Stuff with right and wrong answers."

Ivan watched Alfred flip through the pages of his book.

Alfred looked up. "I like space stuff. I thought it was really cool they could send satellites to different moons based on the gravity and orbit of other planets. I forget the word for it, but there's a way to make a satellite orbit around another body and then have it slingshot where you want it to go. Maybe it was slingshot-ing. Called that."

"So, my history book isn't very interesting to you, is it?"

Alfred snorted. No, of course it wasn't interesting, Dr. Jones only took it to see what was so fascinating—

"I have another book you might like."

If it was anything like the current book in Dr. Jones' possession—

Ivan sat up on his bed and reached underneath to pull out a plastic bin filled with books, enough to give even Matt a rough time of reading them all, which was saying something, and he moved a few stacks around until he found what he was looking for.

He held it out to Alfred. "Here."

Alfred already had a book—

Ivan waved the book in the air. "Come on, take it. You've read through those comics underneath your bed at least ten times, and I guarantee the book you have in your hands currently will put you to sleep faster than Flutix does."

Alfred stood and quickly exchanged books. Ivan didn't say another word, and curled back onto his bed, resuming where Alfred had left the pages.

Dr. Jones wasn't expecting much when he flipped open to a random page, but to his surprise, it was about space stuff. Granted, it was still boring ass history shit, but it went into the Cold War science behind all the space missions, how spies had stolen information.

Occasionally, Alfred would reach a part in the book that referenced something earlier that he hadn't read, so Alfred would need to flip back, but he would end up engrossed with this new part that led into the thing he had been reading later, so he would flip back and forth and back and forth and back and forth until there was nothing left.

And then Alfred started again.

…

Ivan glanced up at Alfred. "I was beginning to think I had lost you in there."

Alfred handed back the book and took a seat by Ivan on the ground because the chairs were too far away and Alfred had something he needed to do. He handed back the book and then handed him #4 of Mightnighter: Out.

Ivan raised an eyebrow and looked pleased. "I don't think I can spend three days reading a comic, but I will certainly do my…" Ivan actually seemed to get a good look at the cover. "There's… a hammer. And a sickle."

Yes, of course there was a hammer and sickle, Ivan was Russian.

"How did you know I was Russian?"

Well, it was easy with his last name and his accent, so slight that nothing but Alfred's trained ears could pick it up.

Alfred jumped up and nodded, because now Ivan could read about something he liked, as well, something he could connect with and take some hours away so he wasn't fidgety, either, something to keep his mind engaged and fingers from trembling even though he had told the doctor he was sick of the tic—

Ivan held the book back out. "You can keep it."

Alfred had snatched the book before he was even aware he had done it, it was just back in his hands. "You can't keep the comic."

"I wasn't planning to."

…

Few things went in the box, stuff that thieves and spies would spend hours pouring over, the smallest detail, the smallest word, the way the color faded into black or the way the plot twisted together from other stories to merge into a perfect issue that only made sense if you read the other ones, eyes red and tired and those who would spend days and days and days pouring over these things, studying, these are things that went in the box, to keep from those who would study instead.

These were precious things.

…

Alfred wondered, faintly whenever he caught himself waking up, why there weren't any windows in his room.

…

"You seem better."

Alfred glanced up from the table to Matthew, an ocean away on pills and the hard plastic-wood tables were made of. "There was nothing wrong with me to begin with." The words the doctor used came out across his tongue: "I get carried away with things."

Mattie let out a breath of air like a deflating balloon. "How are things?"

How were things? That was a question. "I sleep, a lot. And I've walked around that fucking ward enough times to wear a track in the linoleum, but I'm…"

He was what? Alfred could feel it, vaguely, something different, something just on the edge of his consciousness that usually got him going was bound and gagged, like the hum of a TV that was muted, a different sort of noise. It was strange and Alfred was afraid to think about it too much.

"It's good," Matthew said, firmly. "It's a good thing, the doctor said so."

Alfred frowned at this, and something about the phrase scratched at the back of his mind. Mattie told him about his shifts, about how Dad and Papa missed him and sent their love, of course. Alfred had the urge to scratch at his hairline.

"Are they coming to visit?"

Matt sighed again, and Alfred wondered when he had started doing that all the time, like everything Alfred said was the tenth time he had asked the same thing. "No, I don't think so. But I did bring you some things—"

"Why won't they visit?"

Matthew stared at him like a sinking ship. "Because they don't want to. They say it makes them too sad, Alfred, and I'm inclined to agree. What are you doing here!?"

That was a good question, wasn't it?

Matthew let out another fucking sigh. "God, Alfred, what are you doing here?"

"Well, do you have something to say?"

Matthew let out a little laugh. "Do I have something to say—do you think you'll hear it? Or will you just get that deranged look in your eye and start rambling away about some—" Mattie hissed the word: "Bullshit and ruin things again?"

That wasn't fucking fair, Alfred didn't ruin jackshit—

"Yes, you have, and what's worse, you don't even think, you're a million miles away—"

Across a sea— "How the fuck do you know what my doctor said?"

Matthew froze for just a second, in the middle of looking around, of his shoulders slumping. "I didn't, I just know what an improvement looks like."

Alfred stood. "You're fucking lying. You're not my emergency contact, I didn't give you permission to talk to my doctor, it's none of your fucking business about why I'm in here."

Matthew let out a laugh of sharp air. "It's not my business—do you hear yourself? Like I haven't been fucking forced into your business for years—"

"There you go again with that dad bullshit again!"

"What on earth are you—"

"You act like I'm a little kid!" Alfred loomed over Matthew.

Matthew didn't stand, face-to-face with Alfred, nose inches from his own, didn't shove him back, no, Mattie just sank further into his seat. "You are a little kid."

"Leave."

Matthew opened his mouth—

Alfred shoved Matthew, and his brother threw out his arms to stop himself from falling backwards out of the chair. "Alfred what the—"

"Leave and take your fucking party favors with you. They don't make up for the fact you use me to feel better about yourself, that treating me like an idiot makes you feel better because no one gives a shit about you, not Dad, not Papa, and especially not me."

Matt didn't even look up at him. "You're unbelievable, you know that?"

"No, I'm just usually too nice to tell you the obvious, but I'm sick of your sighing and I'm sick of the shit you bring me and I'm sick of you talking to my doctor and I'm sick of all of this!" Alfred whirled to the blond nurse hovering nearby. "And you can tell my fucking doctor that if I hear he's been talking to my brother, there's not a strong enough lock to keep me from leaving this place."

Now Matthew stood. "You're being—"

"Leave."

…

"You talked to my brother."

The doctor looked impassively back at him over his desk. "Does that bother you?"

"Yes, it fucking bothers me. What about doctor-patient confidentiality, doc? What about you not telling fucking lies to my brother about me?"

Oh, but they weren't lies, Alfred, he was just updating Matthew on Alfred's situation, but there wasn't a fucking situation! For fuck's sake, Alfred shouldn't be in here! And it was god damned illegal to keep him here without his permission.

"Matthew was concerned about your delusions, Alfred."

Delusions, delusions, what fucking delusions, those were misunderstandings, those were idiots, those were the doctor saying things about Alfred that just weren't true, maybe you're fucking delusional!

"Clearly, you're in no position to talk right now, Alfred. We'll try again tomorrow."

…

Alfred didn't care about the fucking penguins, or about their stupid fucking eggs, or about how they were still in fucking Antarctica even though they should have fucking died off hundreds of years ago, thousands, millions, the timescale of evolution.

Alfred felt his eyes flicking from person to person until he reached an awfully large gap he hadn't noticed before, and his eyes landed on Ivan, an island in the tightly packed folding chairs of movie night.

"Look at the chick, Alfred," Feli breathed next to him.

Feli kept saying stupid shit like that, while Ivan got to have three chair-lengths of space around him like an asteroid impact.

…

And one that followed Ivan around like a bubble.

…

In the morning vitals line, Alfred could have sat in a chair between Ivan and the next person.

…

At recreation time, Ivan by the window, reading, people moving around him like water around a smooth stone that licked his finger to turn pages.

…

At meals, a table to himself, a fortress, a minefield.

…

Outdoors, Ivan could have been a hiker, alone, the last one on the Earth, walking through a field with his hands behind his back and a tent he could set up in abandoned cities.

…

A lion gripped a gazelle in his teeth while Alfred neatly stepped over the chairs in front of him and sat down next to Ivan. If Ivan was surprised, if Alfred held more interest than the stupid fucking Savannah, he certainly didn't show it.

"People are afraid of you."

Ivan's eyes held only the screen in front of him and did not turn their attention to Alfred. "I am trying to watch the movie. Your voice is loud and distracting."

"You don't give a shit about the movie."

"Interesting conclusion, because I'm watching it."

Alfred looked between Ivan and the projection. "Who gives a shit about lions?"

"Obviously not you."

Ivan's eyes were still glued to the screen and it was pissing Alfred right the fuck off.

"No one talks to you. All yesterday, no one, just the nurses and I would guess your doctor, but it must get lonely. All you do is read books and watch the shitty documentaries and nod when the nurses ask you to do something, and you don't have visitors that often, and you read fast and no one else reads the things you do so you have no one to talk to about them."

Finally, Ivan turned his eyes "So, Mr. Popular is pitying me? I have some bad news: I'm not going to sit at your lunch table."

"I wasn't inviting you." Alfred grinned at him. "But you are lonely. Or something. You didn't answer my questions, see, you're fucking deflecting and that shit doesn't work anymore. I might twitch like a motherfucker but you're lying, Braginski."

Half of Ivan's face was illuminated by the sunlit world an ocean away, and the other half was not. "And what am I lying about, Jones?"

Alfred stood and a shadow ate the projection. "You would totally sit at my lunch table if I invited you."

…

Ivan did not have any more books. He had boxes and boxes full of shit, but he did not have any more books, and Alfred should know, he had been digging under Ivan's bed nearly all evening, pulling out waste of tree pulp after waste of tree pulp and flipping to a random page only to find it wholly uninteresting.

Ivan had watched him at first, but he had soon picked up one of the books Alfred had tossed irritably away and began reading, trusting Alfred enough to look through his precious information. Not that there was much. Just shit.

"You know," Ivan said, licking a finger, "I could suggest a book to you."

No, that wasn't what Alfred wanted. He didn't want a suggestion, he wanted a book to call to him like a beacon, something influential that would change his world view like people had experienced with the Bible, but less boring than the Bible, because Alfred had tried that one and found it both hard to read and also a waste of paper and honestly, did every single book Ivan own try to use the biggest word possible? Like look, here, extraordinary, couldn't they just use great?

Ivan proceeded to tell him about the merits of more precise words to communicate blah, blah, blah. Alfred watched Ivan's mouth move and watched his eyes continue to read as he lectured and the sound wasn't bad, soft. Alfred looked up at Ivan from his position on the floor, his feet under Ivan's bed, and thought about how few people had seen Ivan from this angle, looking up as Ivan read and talked, surrounded by books. And the sound really was quite lovely and Alfred just rested his head against Ivan's knee.

…

Alfred stared at the doorway, counting the shadows that walked by, counting his heart beat, dividing it by six, multiplied by twelve and a half and then subtracting by seven, fingers twitching, restarting when the shadows walked back in front of the door, boots heavy on the floor.

He had asked to go to the bathroom three times and it was only one in the morning, they were going to tell him to hold it if he didn't stop, they were going to call the nurses if he didn't stop—

"What are you thinking about?"

Alfred looked over to the other side of the room and found a companion in bed, sitting up, eyes bright in the gloom.

"I don't want to sleep." Alfred held up his hand and watched his hand trembled. "It feels like all I've been doing is sleeping and I don't want to do it anymore." Like a fog had settled over him, slowing his movements, the whole world banging on his front door and demanding his attention. And the world was so boring.

"It is boring," Ivan said softly, "isn't it?"

Alfred blinked up at him, suddenly unsure if he had spoken aloud or not. "Why are you here, Ivan?"

Ivan head turned away from the light of the hallway, and if there had been a window in this jailcell, Ivan would have been looking out it and considering the question. As it was, he looked at the cinderblock walls and took longer to respond. "Because I was ordered to be here."

This clicked into place in Alfred's mind. So that was why people were afraid of him, because he wasn't kept here against his will by the hospital, but by someone else, because he didn't take the same pills in the morning and his responses weren't the same in group. Because someone higher had looked at Ivan and decided to make him come here.

"And why are you here, Alfred?"

Why was Alfred here. It was all people seemed to be asking him these days, and Alfred watched the shadow walk across the door and counted his heartbeat and divided and multiplied and subtracted and almost forgot to respond to a question that had been haunting him the past few days. "I'm not like Feli."

"No. No, you are most certainly not like Feliciano. Which begs the question, doesn't it?"

"I think… I think Mattie put me here." Alfred picked at some weird, dry stuff on his hands, wondering where it had come from, why it was there, when things like this started to bug him when they so clearly hadn't before. Had they? "Do you think that medication works?"

"Flutix?"

What the fuck was Flutix? "No, the shit they give me. The same bullshit they give Feli. Do you think it works? Do you think it's working? Do you—"

"I certainly think it does something."

Ivan's figure swam in Alfred's vision and his eyes burned and his head was full of fuzz and he could feel the darkness pulling him down, pulling his eyelids down and his head started to dip even as he jerked up to try and stay awake and even as Ivan stood and walked over to him and it felt so good to slip into that blank space in his head and give in and Ivan looked down at him and

…

Alfred frowned. "Where did you get that?"

Feli looked up. "Hm?"

Alfred pointed at the brownie Feli was holding. "Where did you get that? I didn't get one, and everyone else only gets Jell-O here for dessert. How the fuck did you get a brownie, Feli?"

Feli looked at the brownie in his hand like he was surprised to see it there, the fucker. "Oh, um, I don't know. It was just on my food tray, and I just thought that I could eat it because it was there—"

"Why didn't anyone else get a brownie?" Alfred leaned over and snatched the paper slip that detailed Feli's food order, and yep, the slip had Feli's name on it, so he hadn't taken someone else's tray by accident. "What makes you so special that you get a good dessert?"

Feli was staring at him with wide eyes, frozen, scrambling for an excuse. "I—I don't know, I just eat what they—"

"No, that's bullshit. They have a locked room and you have to ride on an elevator to get up here, they don't make mistakes, there aren't any windows. You didn't just get a brownie by mistake. There's other shit, too, you get more bathroom breaks at night, and I bet you there's other shit I didn't notice, either."

"Alfred," Feli said, voice bordering on yelling, defensive, "I don't know why I got a brownie." His voice wavered and his eyes were glassy and Alfred wasn't buying that shit for a second. "But I'm sure if I just tell—"

"Alfred." Ivan's voice was like a fire extinguisher, cold and calm and dousing, a tone that could get in your lungs and seep into your bloodstream and calm anger. Alfred hadn't even heard him walk over, and he leaned backwards to look at him. "Could I talk to you for a moment?"

Alfred shoved himself away from the table, glaring at Feli as Ivan gently led him away by the small of the back to the corner of the room, where he stood, head tilted as Alfred explained that Feli was fucking shifty as fuck, the brownie was just the final straw, something was off and Alfred didn't know what but Feli definitely had connections, he had a key to this place, a key or could feed notes through the heating vents to the kitchen—

"Alfred, do you really think Feliciano could pull all that off?"

Alfred watched Feli stare at his brownie, eyes wet and breath hitching, the schizo.

"Right, see," Ivan murmured, "it doesn't make sense for Feliciano to be the one orchestrating any grand brownie heist, does it?"

No. No, Alfred supposed not. No, but he was caught up in something, something he had no idea about, right over his head, a mile high. It was just a matter of who, and of course the obvious answer were the people keeping Feli here, and by extension, the people keeping Alfred here, but why, and what did the brownie have to do with it?

Well, it was obviously a reward, even if poor, stupid Feli had no idea it was. But, if there was one thing Feli was, was talkative, he could talk about the color of the tiles or about flowers or other dumb shit, so he was a spy—

"Come on Alfred, you can do better than that." Ivan looked over his shoulder at Feli. "I do wonder the coincidence, though, don't you?"

Okay, start over, Feli wasn't a spy, he was just a bystander. And Feli wasn't going to put two and two together, obviously, so that just…

Alfred bounced on the balls of his feet. "It has to do with me, I bet you. I'm the only guy in this place who's going to notice something like that, the only one who can put this together. It was a message from…"

From someone, and Alfred felt his brow furrow as he dug for answers.

"Feliciano as a means of communication. Yes, Alfred, I like that. Good boy."

…

Alfred couldn't think. He could feel the thoughts scatter away from him like marbles, ones he was constantly tripping over himself trying to capture, marbles covered in butter. Other thoughts kept interrupting on everything, stupid thoughts that made him hesitate and worry about instead.

When the doctor asked about Matthew, Alfred found himself wondering about Matt, where he was, if he missed Alfred, what he was doing with all of Alfred's stuff, how Dad and Papa were, how Matthew was, if he was still mad at Alfred, and Alfred found himself unable to remember Matthew's number when he tried to call, which just sent his mind spiraling more because what if Matthew had died of carbon monoxide poisoning, it was Alfred who had always checked the alarms and changed the batteries, how the apartment was, how Matthew was paying rent without Alfred's contribution and on and on and on and if Matt was mad at Alfred.

When Feli started avoiding him for whatever reason, Alfred's mind got on about that. Why was Feli avoiding him? It hardly seemed fair and Alfred hadn't even done anything besides out the obvious, so now Alfred watched Feli eat alone like a loser and Feli avoided looking at him and he got quiet and it was just such bullshit that Alfred couldn't comprehend it.

And Ivan. Alfred found Ivan plaguing Alfred's train of thought like a bandit. He had been ordered to be here, what could that fascinating thing mean, and did it have to do with the books Ivan read. He had touched Alfred's elbow and his back and had called Alfred a good boy, and he was always there to suggest something that Alfred hadn't even considered, make Alfred's mind reel with the possibilities and he seemed to like doing it, and he caught Ivan looking at him, head tilted and Alfred needed to figure out who was trying to get a message to him.

During movie nights, Alfred pressed his knee against Ivan's and watched Ivan pretend to ignore him.

Alfred changed in front of Ivan after his showers, dripping wet and slick, humming like he wasn't aware he was doing it, and he reveled in the eyes Ivan had for him.

But.

He needed to get his mind back on topic. He couldn't think. And there was something up with the brownie—

"For the love of God, Alfred, stop with the brownie."

-and so Alfred had a plan. Alfred had big tonsils. When he was younger, he would stare at himself in the mirror, examining his eyes and his eyebrows and his hair and his teeth and the thing that dangled from the back of his throat and his tonsils. He had forced Mathew's mouth open (and nearly gotten a finger chomped off for his trouble) to compare, and Alfred's tonsils were much, much bigger.

"I hardly see what this has to do with the brownie, or more importantly, what this has to do with your special message." Ivan was pretending to read, like he did when Alfred told him his plans.

The next morning, waiting for his meds, Alfred pretended to swallow them as the nurse checked his cheeks and tongue and cheeks, but in reality they were resting on his tonsils. If he flexed his throat right, his tonsils stuck out, catching the pills like a net catching litter from his stream of thought.

Alfred waited for the nurse to move off, and then coughed up the pills into palm of his hand grinned at Ivan.

Ivan looked at the pills. "That was disgusting," he said mildly. "But clever."

"Of course it was clever. I'm clever. Now," Alfred said, flicking the pills through the heating vent, "I can think again."

"And what a delight that will be."

Alfred grinned.

…

Ordered to be here.

Alfred watched Ivan's sleeping form as the words ran over and over again in his head. Ordered to be here by who?

Someone stalked by the doorframe and Alfred watched them without his glasses on and in a half-haze of exhaustion and his mind couldn't connect the two pieces because that nurse was familiar, wasn't he, Alfred had seen him before, he knew it, he knew it.

…

It was like Alfred had downed energy drinks, he felt like he was on top of the world, a map spread before him and he could freely wander around it and no Feli, he wasn't hyper today, this was how he always was, it's just that Feli didn't notice things like Alfred did, not that it's a bad thing.

Well, Feli, it was simple really. Remember the brownie, it was apart of something bigger, something Feli hadn't realized before. It was a test, test for Alfred, to check how with it he was, if he was still trusting the pills they gave out—not that he wasn't taking them—but it had to do with the management. Did you ever notice how everything is locked around here, no, probably not, but the only way in and out: locked. The nurse's station: locked. Certain rooms, random rooms, one where Alfred had gotten his blood tested: locked. It didn't make sense because Alfred wasn't a threat to anyone.

It was the doctor. The head doctor, the one who ran everything—no, Feli, he isn't nice—well, if he was nice, that was just a ploy to get people to trust him. Clearly, he wasn't a good guy. That was the only thing that made sense to Alfred, that he was keeping people here against their will. People like Alfred, who shouldn't be here, and Ivan, who was ordered to be here, people like Feli who couldn't do much, even if he wanted to.

"Really?" Ivan asked. "Why would he want to keep people here?"

Well, that was simple, wasn't it? Doctors had egos, everyone knew that, almost as bad as ER nurses, and they liked to flex them. So when doctors like…

"Dr. Väinämöinen."

Right, yes, Dr. V, got some people who were misunderstood, it made him feel like he had a big dick to keep Alfred here, the fucker. But he wasn't completely evil, he just wanted to see if you were smarter than him, if you could solve his puzzles, catch his clues, he would let you go. Shit like the brownie.

"You are obsessed with this brownie."

It's all apart of the puzzle, Ivan.

And it made sense, too, that fucker was condescending as fuck, broke trust constantly, didn't give a fuck about doctor-patient confidentiality, flagrantly threw his weight around by ordering bullshit prescriptions, ignored complaints, and was generally just a giant cock.

…

There was something new in his box, something that shouldn't be there, something sharp. It was a box cutter, at the very bottom, hidden under a broken gyroscope and old thermometer, one Alfred had never seen before in his life, with a fresh, crisp blade, one that fit into his palm like it had been molded to.

…

There was something higher than the doctor, Ivan. The doctor must have a boss, right? Someone who looked into the workings of this whole fucking locked loop and laughed about it. This higher-someone knew about the doctor and knew about Alfred, had seen him in the ER, had picked him for this game. This higher-someone, that's who was—

"Alfred." Ivan's breath was hot against Alfred's neck and his toes were cold against Alfred's legs. "It's too late for this."

"But you believe me." Alfred rolled his head to look at Ivan, searching his face in the gloom. "This person, they're the one who ordered you to be here, right? You're a spy, you're someone who reports back to him, aren't you?" Alfred looked for a confirmation in a movement of Ivan's face.

Ivan reached a hand up and ran a finger along Alfred's jawline.

And there were two sections, one working for the doctor and one working for the higher person—

"The General?"

Yes, the General, some were working for him, some for the doctor, and the one working for the General, they were the one sending messages to Alfred, they were the ones who wanted to get him and Ivan out, Alfred had figured it out, didn't Ivan see, it was so simple, Alfred felt like an idiot for not seeing it soon—

"Do you know all those books I read, Alfred?"

Yes—

"I would burn all those books just to listen to you talk for ten minutes."

"Ten?"

Ivan let out a sigh and bit Alfred gently on the shoulder, then kissed him in the same spot, lightly, Alfred barely felt his lips there, light as a snowflake melting. "Five, even. But it is late, and the guards will change shifts soon."

Ivan stood and retreated to his bed and left Alfred aching after cold toes.

Alfred knew what he had to do.

…

"I want to talk," Alfred said.

The doctor looked at him with interest. "That's what I'm here for, after all."

No, Alfred was going to speak and the doctor was going to listen, and then he was going to decide. Alfred wasn't stupid, he had figured out what was going on around here. It hadn't been easy, but it made sense now, the pills, the wrongful imprisonment—

No, doctor, Alfred was going to speak first.

The wrongful imprisonment, the hints, the little things, the brownie, the gift someone had sent him, Mattie turning his back on Alfred, all these had melded into a perfect picture of what was going on around here.

And, Alfred spoke louder for the microphones no doubt planted around the room, he had figured out what the General was asking him to do. But Alfred was going to give the doctor a choice first, because Alfred was a good guy. Now, the good doctor could either let Alfred go and explain to Matthew that this whole thing was a mistake, could release Ivan and stop playing this demented game—let everyone go who didn't deserve to be here, or the doctor would see exactly what the General had planned for him.

No, answer the question first.

Answer the question.

Alright, fine, if that's how he wanted to do things. And so Alfred stood and showed him the gift the General had sent him.

The doctor stood immediately but his feet got caught up in the chair and he half fell on his desk, papers—Alfred's paper, papers that tracked his progress at the games and notes to the General—slid from the folder to the floor and Alfred had made it around the edge of the desk and the doctor was looking up at him with wide eyes and Alfred raised the gift and Alfred brought the gift down but the doctor had been raising his hands and Alfred's gift came down there instead of—instead of—

And now the doctor was bleeding and yelling and there was so much blood, dripping down his arms and off his elbows and falling to the ground and getting on those white notes and he shied away from Alfred and the doctor's feet finally came free of the chair and he slumped against the wall looking at his ruined palms and another fresh wave of blood seeped down his arms and Alfred suddenly didn't know what the General wanted now and he backed away and he looked around for the cameras and he told the doctor:

"I want to leave now."

The doctor nodded at him. "Alright, Alfred." His voice was small and scared but his face was composed even as he held his hands uselessly in front of him, and Alfred could see he had gotten him in between the thumb and the pointer finger and his thumb hung down at an odd angle that made Alfred's stomach turn.

And then a nurse burst into the room and Alfred was slammed into the ground and he was sorry, he didn't mean to, he got it wrong, he was sorry, he didn't want to hurt anyone he just wanted to go, please let him go home please please please

#aph rusame #rusame #APH America #APH Russia #hetalia fanfic #writing #hetalia fanfiction #asylum #alfred f jones #ivan braginski

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jflashandclash · 5 years

Text

Traitors of Olympus IV

Epilogue

As they exited the courtroom for recess, Kally wished she hadn’t worn a skirt. Everything was miserable enough without having uncomfortable clothing on the list.

Nikhil, Merry’s little brother, looked terrified. His gangly limbs looked awkward and stick-figure in his charcoal suit, like someone decided to stuff a scarecrow with dowel rods. Although Merry was pretending everything was fine, there was too much talk of foster homes. Neither sibling wanted to be split up again. With Merry’s emancipation, it was looking more and more likely. If Nikhil stayed at his Mom’s, then Merry would be close by and could do some proper mothering from a distance. But, Mrs. Blythe had missed out on too many court dates concerning Merry’s abusive stepfather.

When Nikhil went to use the bathroom, all of Merry’s feigned confidence deflated. She collapsed onto one of the benches in the eerily sterile, white hallway. Kally had to wonder why all government buildings thought white was a good idea. What a comforting color when you’re settling a violent family dispute.

“They’re not going to let me take care of him,” Merry said.

Her voice was as hollow as her expression. No humming. No “sweetie” or “bae.” Even her outfit looked really… not Merry: a conservative business suit that couldn’t cover her curves and her wavy hair twisted up into a bun.

Kally wished she knew what to do. Pax would have cracked a joke, but she hadn’t seen him since their chaotic Christmas dinner. Calex probably would have known best, but he hadn’t been able to come back from Britain. He’d fought hard to scrounge up enough money for a flight, but his side job didn’t make enough extra to helping his father with the funeral debts, contribute to rent, and pay for a ticket.

Merry had teased him on the phone, had told him it was fine.

Now, Merry’s face was pale. There wasn’t a trace of a smile on her lips. Kally could tell she hadn’t been sleeping.

“I did a lot of research with Malcolm about the laws for this,” Merry continued, her eyes distantly staring at the sunlight trickling through the window. A beautiful backdrop of a parking lot. “If an older, emancipated sibling can provide for their younger sibling, they’ll sometimes let them live together, but, I disappeared when he needed me… They’re going to keep him in permanent foster care. He doesn’t even like his temporary foster family.”

Merry’s eyes glistened.

Kally took Merry’s hand and squeezed it. “Hey, we’re going to make sure you can see Nik.”

Merry’s eyes focused. She forced a smile. Although Kally hadn’t seen Merry nearly as much as she would have liked—something about being grounded for eternity as punishment for “running away” for a few months and drowning under makeup school work—Kally could tell Merry hadn’t been taking any of what happened well. Not that any of them could, but what happened to Hiro haunted Merry. Merry did not like that she had the power to drive people insane. It especially terrified Kally when Pollux gave her a call on the camp phone to say that Merry was second guessing whether she could have driven her own father to beat her.

With the two months of distance between them and the Battle of Saturnalia, Kally almost wished these monsters were the kind she could hit with a light javelin.

Then, the recess ended, and everyone was allowed back into the courtroom. Kally made sure not to look Merry’s adoptive father or her mother in the face. She was afraid she’d punch both of them for what they’d done to their children and that didn’t seem like a great idea with so many deputies patrolling the halls.

The judge, an elderly, possibly senile Hispanic man named Justice Jose, shuffled back into the courtroom. For the entire proceedings, Kally had feared he would pass out. He and his two deputies had been glistening with sweat and clearly sick.

Now, however, he looked much better. Color had returned to his wrinkled complexion. She’d heard Nikhil make a half-hearted joke about the judge really needing to go to the bathroom when he called recess so close to the final hearing. Maybe Nikhil had been right. No upset stomachs allowed in the courtroom.

There was something different about him though, something Kally probably shouldn’t have even noticed because it was so subtle: he was wearing thin, black gloves.

When Kally glanced at his two deputies, something else weird happened. Already, she couldn’t really remember what they looked like. Now, she struggled to look them in the face at all, and not because she’d broken the law several times in the last few months.

Each time she did look at one, she immediately forgot his features, beyond the fact that the deputy was tall and a male. Hadn’t one of them been a female before?

Kally was so distracted, she didn’t register the court formalities. She was so conditioned to standing and sitting at mass, the motions blurred past.

But, her mind sharpened when Jose said, “I think we’ve heard enough from the different parties. Normally, I might go through an explanation to Mr. Sukumar Priya and Mrs. Blythe as to why I find them unfit to raise Nikhil, but I believe we have covered that amply.”

Merry blinked and glanced over at Kally. This judge had been very wordy, like Homeric epic wordy, before.

“From her financial records and the amount of maturity and responsibility that this merry girl has illustrated—”

Merry’s eyes widened. During the entire proceedings, they’d been referring to her by her legal name, either Maari or Ms. Blythe. The judge looked like he’d held off a smile at the comment.

“—she clearly is the best option to take care of her little brother. We will set up another home inspection and check in the next month after.”

Kally almost didn’t hear anything else.

Merry’s jaw dropped. Tears streamed down her cheeks.

Kally felt the same happen to her. She didn’t even catch the judge delegating the decision’s write up to a clerk, who looked confused and skeptical. Jose signed a paper and said, “This court is adjourned.”

***

They were celebrating as they left the courthouse. Kally’s older brother, John, would be driving around to pick them up, and she knew she could bully him into taking them for dessert. He’d been a lot more protective and attentive since she’d been back, especially after the massive fight that Kally had with their mother. And the fact that Kally could barely move the first month with her broken ribs.

When they turned to the parking garage, Kally froze.

On the sidewalk, facing away from her, there was a person wearing a silk burgundy suit. His hair was gelled back into a perfect, short ponytail.

Reflexively, Kally’s hand shot into her messenger bag. Her chest constricted, and she felt her rib pain return with her panic.

She stepped in front of Merry and Nikhil, withdrawing her Argonaut statue.

There was no way—she wouldn’t be able to—he couldn’t be alive—

“Kall! Merry!”

Kally’s vision had tunneled. She had noticed two figures standing on either side of Mr. Burgundy Suit, like henchmen, but she hadn’t registered them beyond the matching dress shirts.

One of the two henchies—the tallest one—had broken off, rapidly walking towards her with a broad grin.

There was no muzzle or straight jacket, but Kally still took a step backwards, horrified this might be a trick.

His black hair had grown out. Instead of the military style cut he used to have, the bangs hung long, and would have concealed his dark eyes if the bangs weren’t so fluffy. The once-neatly trimmed goatee was longer too, giving him a look crossed between a disheveled, adventurer and a rock star. The scarification gleamed on his bronzed skin.

Mr. Burgundy Suit whirled towards his rogue underling. “Axel! This isn’t the dramatic reunion we agreed to! We’ll never get this valuable opportunity back!”

Axel ignored him. He also ignored the way Kally squeaked when he picked her up by the waist for a bear hug.

Kally felt her cheeks warm up. The suspicion dissolved and she hugged Axel back tightly. “You guys are okay,” she whispered.

Axel nodded. He held her for an instant longer, then slowly lowered her feet back to the ground.

There had been no word from them since Christmas. Lapis hadn’t even come after Merry like he’d promised. They had no idea if the Romans had captured them, other than a quick message from Nico and Will assuring her that Frank had no progress on his hunt. But, she’d been wondering if the Romans and Greeks were covering things up or if any gods with a taste for Pax vendettas had achieved vengeance or if the Pax boys had disappeared into the forests of Belize like a bad folk tale monster.

Kally was genuinely torn between giving each of them a kiss on the check or slugging them hard in the diaphragm. She’d probably have to do both.

Axel gave Merry a warm smile. “It’s good to see you, Merry. And you must be Nikhil. I heard you two just had a major victory.”

Nikhil had taken a step behind his sister, practically vanishing. He made a grunt noise. Kally felt bad. He’d gone through too much today to meet these maniacs. Though this was pretty tame compared to the first time she’d met the Pax brothers. Not enough flaming cars.

Not that we need flaming cars, she thought, in case any Fates were listening.

Merry’s eyes went glassy again. This time, though, she swayed softly to a tune she was humming. “You dodgy, wonderful works of nature.”

Kally didn’t quite understand until Pax came over. Her stomach twisted to see him in that familiar burgundy suit with his hair slicked back. One resilient lock still popped out in the front, like a flag that said, I will never be tamed!

Then, she saw what Merry had: Pax wore a pair of thin, black gloves. The same ones Jose had been wearing.

There was no way for them to know about the verdict unless they were in the courtroom itself. Well, unless they had threatened the first person out of the courtroom, which is something they would do.

Pax stopped a few feet away from Kally, giving her his most devilish smile.

Behind him, a tall, gangly figure approached in a similar burgundy dress shirt with black tie.

Last time Kally saw Alabaster, he’d been sickly pale and trying to hide his want as everyone else shoveled Christmas food into their mouths. Everything he ate had to be puréed.

Although Alabaster was still pale like her—he’d always burn within ten minutes of sun contact—there was more color to his freckled cheeks. A thin scar traced where his jawbone had protruded the skin a few months ago. His wry smile looked far less painful as he said, “It’s good to see you Kally.”

He could talk. Kally didn’t see any wires or anything.

When he turned to Merry, he merely nodded his head and said, “Ol’Sissy.”

“Proof that Kally has questionable taste in men,” Merry retorted, folding her arms and looking him up and down like the most disappointed of matchmakers.

“Aw, Merry! I think Witch-Boy looks hot in a suit and tie,” Pax said with a wink.

Both Kally and Alabaster blushed. Pax wasn’t wrong. They all looked good in a creepy Santiago’s men wore these when they were being evil way, and it made Kally want to slap them harder and demand where they’d been.

“Who are these guys? They look like Agents of Shield villains,” Nikhil muttered from behind Merry.

“We’re the psychopaths that kidnapped your sister and her hot friend,” Pax said.

“So, demigods,” Nikhil said. He’d been taking some time getting used to the new knowledge of the world, but Merry, Dionysus, and Chiron agreed it was necessary if Merry wanted to have any hand in her brother’s life.

“Fifty percent,” Pax agreed, gesturing towards Alabaster and himself. He pointed a thumb to Axel, and waggled it between them. “The other fifty is primordial awesome.”

Axel shook his head, smiling.

“You’re weird,” Nikhil said. His shoulder relaxed a little and he took a timid step out from behind his sister.

She completely sidestepped to leave him fully exposed. Merry: ever the coddling caretaker.

Pax wiped a fake tear from his eye. “We only just started talking and he already knows me so well.”

“You must be Pax,” Nikhil said, pointing a finger.

“I was story worthy?” Pax asked. If he were an anime character, his eyes would have sparkled.

“You were warning worthy,” Merry said. “I know you didn’t just wear those to give Kally and me a heart attack.” She gestured at Pax’s suit and Axel and Alabaster’s burgundy dress shirts.

“We’re rebranding,” Pax said.

The stiffness of his smile made the unease return to Kally’s stomach. Something inside Kally said that Pax shouldn’t have been the one to answer that question. He hated those suits. He had sobbed to her when his father made him jell his hair back for their violent family reunion.

The unease turned to nausea when she realized how much Pax really did look like his father. The more his face had matured from cute to handsome, the closer it got. With the stiffness of that smile, the way his shoulders were held back, and the disquieting confidence—

Kally shook off the thought.

Another one immediately clouded her mind. He was answering for Axel and Alabaster. They stood on either side of him like a pair of bodyguards. Pax also hadn’t tried to hug her or touch her at all. Weird to think that boundary respect would be foreboding but—

“There are a few changes we’re excited to—”

Merry’s eyes went wide. She held up a hand to cut Pax off. “Stop everything.” She took a step closer to Axel, rising on her tiptoes to examine him thoroughly. Kally wondered if she’d picked up on the same oddities and was about to call one of them out on it.

“Your neck.” She pointed a finger into his chest. “What beautiful creature got a hold of it?”

Kally feared she meant that someone had strangled Axel. When she saw what Merry meant, Kally’s hand shot up to cover her lips, a habit that she’d been trying to break.

There were at least four bruises, two just under his ear and two peeking out from his collar, with skin discoloration speckling the skin beside it. Kally couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed them before. They were—

“Are those hickeys?” the words blurted out of Kally’s mouth before she could choke them back.

Really. Obvious. Hickeys.

Axel’s smile turned to a cocky smirk. He cracked his neck and glanced innocently off to the side. He didn’t even blush.

“Witness his open defiance of societal standards,” Pax said, making a grand show-man gesture.

“No,” Merry said in clear disbelief at Axel’s shamelessness. Her grin was enormous.

Pax pouted and folded his arms across his chest. The perfect posture caved as he slouched gloomily. “He won’t spill. The worst part from this devious fiend? Yesterday, I was gone all day on boring business stuff, and he had a peace meeting with a praetor in the afternoon, and went to a Green Day concert with Grace at night. And Bast has constant access to the house. Could have been an actual empousa for all I know.”

“I know who it was,” Alabaster said, feigning disinterest as he checked over some spell pouches along his belt.

“You’re bluffing,” Pax said, “You just want something to hold over my head.”

“You’re upset because you have no way to find out if I’m bluffing and can’t make me talk if I’m not,” Alabaster said.

From the way Alabaster and Axel exchanged a glance, she could tell how much they enjoyed dangling this in front of Pax.

The youngest whined and huffed.

Kally’s worries melted at their ridiculousness. This was still them. Though, what had Pax meant by business stuff? Alabaster may be capable of becoming a reasonable member of society, but the Pax boys had spent most of their time training and doing street performances before she met them.

“Oh Mr. Stoic, don’t you go thinking you can hide this from Auntie Merry,” Merry said and folded her arms across her chest. Unlike Pax, she looked more like a mob boss or a proper Queen of Gossip with the motion. Kally was always terrified of how Merry could twist people’s personal info—or assumed personal info—against them.

Axel pulled out a packet of gum from his pocket. He gave her a grin as he withdrew a piece and slowly folded it into his mouth. “Gentlemen,” Axel said, “Do not kiss and tell.” He looked so proud of himself.

He offered the gum out to the group.

Nikhil timidly reached forward and took a piece. “Looking at your neck, I don’t think the person you’re interested in wants anything to do with someone who is gentle,” the kid said.

Merry gave the most genuine laugh that Kally had heard since everything happened during the Festival of Saturnalia.

A slight blush finally lit up Axel’s cheeks. Maybe he had to hear it from a fourteen-year-old.

Kally could tell her face had gone bright red. She often forgot Axel was a Pax boy. When she first met them, Axel was always restrained by the stress of running from their psychotic father and New Rome, of struggling to keep his little brother safe and fed, of crumbling under the guilt of a failed army. He looked so much more relaxed, so much… younger, and, with the new hair, almost wild.

She never considered how much of a terror Axel could be without those worries. Especially if he put all of his efforts towards charming over one girl. Kally had always assumed it would be Reyna, but Pax’s grumpiness and Merry’s conniving grin made her wonder. Thalia hadn’t revoked her vows, had she? Not like Kally would have heard about it. She didn’t even know if Thalia and Euna had been talking.

Anger threatened to bubble when she realized they had been keeping in touch with some of their other friends and not her.

“Merry, lunch is on me if you can weasel information out of him. That’s usually my forte, but, alas…” Pax glared at his brother. “I’ve been a weasel failure.”

“You can try,” Axel said. He pinched the gum between his front teeth and pulled it forward with his pointer and middle finger, the same way someone might hold a cigarette, then slipped it back into his mouth.

“This guy is cool,” Nikhil said.

“You’re forbidden from looking at him as role model material,” Merry said. “And don’t think you can distract us from the fancy get-ups with this information, at least not for long.”

“Can’t I?” Axel asked, raising an eyebrow.

“It’s dangerous when these two agree to work together,” Alabaster said, voicing exactly what Kally was thinking. “Shall we move this conversation to a restaurant? We passed an acceptable-looking ramen house on the way here, and I think Ajax just offered your celebratory lunch on him.”

That felt too smooth. That ramen house was a spot Merry and Kally enjoyed visiting when they had spare cash from birthdays and could con one of their parents or Kally’s siblings into taking them. They hadn’t been able to go with Merry pooling all her extra cash to get a place for Nikhil. Mr. D was helping, but they all knew it would look suspicious if Merry didn’t come across as financially responsible on her records.

Merry clucked her tongue. “As suspicious as ever boys.”

“We’ll need to invite John,” Kally warned, desperately wanting to go, even if this whole thing felt weird. When it came to them, when did anything ever not feel weird? Plus, she still needed to punch all three of them for keeping out of contact for so long.

“Augh, your brother is an ass,” Nikhil grumbled.

“Language, sweetie. Remember the rule? SAT hot word with every cuss,” Merry said.

“Fine. He’s a supercilious ass,” Nikhil said.

“There’s my smart boy,” Merry said. She tried to pinch his cheek. Nikhil batted her away, clearly embarrassed around the older boys.

Pax stood up straighter with excitement. “We’ll just have Alabaster talk to John. He’s white. White people like white people, right?”

Considering John was a walking stereotype of racism, this was a scenario that Kally couldn’t scold Pax for saying that. It still made Kally cringe with secondhand embarrassment. She wanted to point out that John thought that Alabaster was a city-slicker pansy. The only thing that pissed her brother off more than race was the amount of money someone had.

“I would like to think that Merry can do an exquisite job of broadening his horizons without my assistance,” Alabaster said.

Merry’s jaw jutted to the side. Both she and Kally cringed at the old discomfort they felt whenever Kally brought Merry to her house. “That stubborn hunbun—”

“Supercilious ass,” Nikhil said, looking proud of himself. Kally couldn’t help but notice that he’d put his hands into his pockets the same way Axel had.

“—has commented that he doesn’t view me as Desi anymore, like it’s a compliment,” Merry’s voice was tight. “Though, I think it’ll do him some good to spend more time with you two. I heard he has a certain respect for Mr. Stoic.”

Axel looked amused. The first time Axel met John, he’d sent John running faster than a drunken centaur in fear. Kally had to hope, with Axel’s presence demanding respect, Merry’s wit, and Pax’s playfulness, John would become more open-minded over time.

Alabaster, Axel, and Pax offered to escort them to the designated space that Merry, Nikhil, and Kally had agreed to meet John. They ought to start moving anyway, considering the matching style of the boy’s dress was drawing attention from the deputies just inside the courthouse.

“So whose nicked money is paying for our lunch?” Merry hummed as they walked. Kally was ecstatic to see a slight dance in Merry’s step again.

Pax inhaled sharply. “Merry, the person who this money belongs to is a perfectly respectable member of society. They would be offended that you insinuated otherwise.”

Everyone laughed, though the ones coming from Axel and Alabaster sounded dark.

Kally swallowed. At least for today, she wanted to have a “normal” lunch with them, as normal as they could handle.[1] Merry had her brother. Kally knew the boys were alive. Would they run out of conversation if they avoided anything serious for this round? Between Merry trying to worm information out of Axel and Pax teasing John, Kally felt the normalcy of the conversation was fabricated. She wondered if they could keep it to normal conversations, if they could make it through a meal without having a dragon attack. By the end of the day, Kally was shocked to find out that they could.

***

One chapter left before the series is done T.T Seriously guys, thank you so much for reading this far and dealing with all of my nonsense. *Pax sniffles* Okay, okay, saving it for next week. Tune in for the last chapter, Epilogue Part II!!!!

***

Footnote:

[1] Melbeta note, “I’m imagining as she says this a monster just bursts through the shop and causes destruction.” Jack, “That’s the movie version.”

#Traitors of Olympus #Percy Jackson and the Olympians #fanfiction #PJO #HOO #writing #MY BABIES ARE GROWING UP!!!!

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