#i think you sent this ask before covid lmao

[beterpbarker]

This is a tall order but I’d love to hear your pitch for a Spidey show or movie series if you’re down to share.

Hi Friend! @thespacevagabond

LOL first I wanna say I am so sorry that this ask has been sitting in my ask box for a couple of years now 😅 . I would love to give you my full answer but unfortunately that would take forever. Since you asked me this I’ve been writing down all my thoughts,I went overboard lol. I even went so far as writing out genuine scripts lmao. I’ve filled nearly a whole notebook at this point. I want to be able to give you a relatively coherent answer and I don’t really believe what I would like to see in  a Spidey show is unique so I’m going to try not to go into to much detail. One day I will post everything I’ve written down but today is not that day. I do want to answer you though, this just wont be very in depth (and it might not even make much sense lol).

Anyway to start it would be a multi season show, with maybe 7 seasons? That feels like not enough but i fear more would be too many. I’m undecided on whether it would be animated or live action but if it were animated I would prefer it to be styled like ITSV. The animation in that movie is some of the best I’ve ever seen and the style is perfect for the story. This would be as close to a 1x1 adaption as possible. The only real changes to the story I would like are ones that would simply make the overall story better for TV.

Now as we all seem to like to point out Spider-Man is basically a soap opera. I think that is one of the most appealing characteristics of the comics. So I would like to keep that element. The drama and messiness of a soap opera. I would also like to focus of Peter’s civilian relationships. I want his cast properly adapted and respectfully adapted. I want it to feel like the people creating the show have as much respect and love for the source material as the fans. I would start with the obvious origin story in high school but I would prefer him to if not be a senior in high school then start maybe near the end of junior year? I don’t want him to be eternally stuck in high school (I also personally find the majority of his time in high school fairly boring, I like seeing him interact with Flash, Liz, Betty and Jonah but god sometimes it’s just 🤷). At most we would spend only 1 season in high school.

I’m not sure which BIG plots and villains would make the cut but Norman is 100% in it. There are so many big things that happen and I have yet to try writing them out to see what flows best and would make the most sense. Overall though as far as crime fighting goes I would like a more subtle overarching plot with villain of the week style episodes thrown in. My only reason for that is because that is how the majority of the shows i enjoy are formatted and it’s what keeps my attention best lol.

Ideally there would be less action scenes compared to..well... everything else. I’m not the biggest fan of gratuitous fighting or explosions. The MCU style of movie/show were it’s big boring action scenes separated by one-liners is the worst style of movie/show. I don’t want this to be all action and no plot or character development. I think on of the best and most important part of Spider-Man is Peter and his friends/family.

I want to see Peter in his very first relationship with Betty. I want the love and drama and trauma between Peter and the rest of the Coffee Bean gang. I want to see Flash go from high school “bully” (that’s in quotes because is it really bullying when half the time Peter is provoking him lol) to one of Peter’s best friends. I want to see Harry’s struggles and the dynamic between Harry and Norman and Peter. I want to see Norman being himself. I am so tired of seeing creators constantly trying to redeem him.  I want to see the death of Gwen Stacy and the impact it has on ALL of them not just Peter. Ideally I would want Glory to show up too at some point but limiting myself to only 7 seasons and with everything else I would like to include I’m not sure where I’d be able to squeeze her in.

And I do want to see him being quipy and quick but I also want to see him being a dick. Because he is. I’m tired of the constant woobification of Peter Parker. I also don’t care for team ups (unless it’s the F4 or like Daredevil) So, I would LOVE to see his animosity towards other heroes and team ups lmao. I don’t want to see Peter Parker friends of cops. I want to see Peter Parker vigilante.I want the friendly in “You’re friendly neighborhood Spider-Man” to be sarcastic.

You know that scene in The Amazing Spider-man, I want more of this. Also I want little ways to show how incredibly smart Peter is. I don’t have a clip of it but you know that scene in ITSV where Peter is watching Octavius type from the vent he’s in and he’s clearly memorized what she’s typed. I want more of that.

If it were possible I would make the worlds longest show and adapt as much of the source material as I could while still keeping it a coherent story with a clear ending. However, I also don’t know how I would warp up my little (extremely long) show. I’m a sucker for a tragedy. I personally would like to see, overtime, how this group of people we love and that love each other slowly get torn down and apart.

(I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the BBC’s Merlin or if you even like it but it’s on my mind at the moment. and you know how it starts happy and hopeful aside from a few unfortunate events and then slowly circumstances get worse and less joyful and then on Christmas eve they murder Arthur and my soul. We all knew it was coming it’s an Arthurian legend adaption but it made you hope things would be different because you love them so much. But in the end no one really survives, just Merlin all alone in the 21st century. This isn’t really relevant other then I love the pacing and how tragic it was even though i knew he what was coming I wasn’t prepared)

Of the five of them I see the only real survivor of it all being MJ. Peter would be the last to die though. He’d have to be, I don’t believe there’s ever going to be a situation where he would/could give up being Spider-man for good. BUT not everyone likes a tragedy and I would like to create a show for all the comics fans out there tired of the MCU slapping comic character names onto their OCs and bargain bin heroes. So, I am not opposed to a happier ending. One where (like MC2 Peter) he’s been injured so he can’t be Spider-Man, maybe someone else takes his place (Miles perhaps?). He and MJ and end together maybe even with their own little baby Mayday.

I want to go into so much more detail, I’m struggling not to pull out my notebook to give you snippets of what I’ve written. I’m going to stop here before I give in. I hope this answer is satisfactory.I’m not very good with articulating my thoughts and i don’t believe I have any original thoughts on all of this. I hope you enjoyed my rambling and again I am so sorry this took me years to answer only for me to not even given you my complete thoughts lmao.

[fannyyann]

Hey, hope you're doing okay. I hope you don't mind me asking, but I am rather new to the mattdrai fandom and I couldn't help but wonder:

Was Matthew really as bad as a lot of fic lead to believe in his earlier hockey years in Calgary? And was he really disliked in the room - where there rumours like that? So many fics build on this premise, and seeing him now in Florida and hearing all the nice things his teammates say about him and seeing the things he does himself and the insane good hockey he plays... it's hard to believe.

It's so strange also that it's so rarely mentioned that Leon was the one to be sent down to the minors, not Matthew.

Plus what I don't get: matthew is a lot hotter than Leon? why is it always told like Leon is the hottest dude on earth while Matthew is nothing? comparing early pics and pics from now... it's just not true? Leon looks good, a bit bland IMO, but Matthew is and was just hot in a very unique and special way. maybe because he isn't that bland generic good looking Leon is? But good looking in a special way? so that got a lot longer than I thought it would, hope you don't mind the ask.

i don't mind you asking at all! this is basically my roman empire so MY apologies if this gets unwieldy but i have FEELINGS about matthew's early fic portrayal lmao

in his six years on the flames, matthew was always one of the top five scorers.

his rookie year, he was sixth in rookie scoring

the season he was picked for his first ASG, the flames were 16th in the league at the time all star rosters were announced and matthew was their top scorer.

so it's not like he was the best player from a bottom of the league team or going because he was the home town boy, he was a playoff team's best player (both at the asg break and when the season was eventually suspended because of covid).

and even in his career worst year (2020-2022), he ended the year as their third best scorer and only six points behind johnny (the leader). and as one of calgary's beat reporters said in his end of the year review, Matthew was "good, but not quite as good as the Flames needed him to be."

so i've never really understood why people were portraying him like that either and still haven't figure out if most of it was unreliable narrator kind of stuff or if some authors actually thought he was bad before he had his breakout season, but it doesn't reflect reality.

as for him being disliked in calgary, that all stems from jake muzzin flipping the puck at him, and the subsequent players only meeting that took place after it, in which matthew allegedly told the team he was upset they didn't join him in the scrum after and he was then told him it can't be a riot every night.

before that there were never any rumors that i'm aware of that he was unliked in the room, and in 2019 gio, who most people tend to think is the one who told matthew to tone it down, said this about another players only meeting:

so while the 2021 players only meeting was a story because matthew wasn't playing like his usual self afterward, i've never thought it was indicative of him not being liked by his teammates. and honestly, you have to take it all with a grain of salt anyway because while guys obviously bullshit the media, at the practice after the players only meeting guys talked about how there was a general lack of emotion, and how they came out there trying to have fun with each other and put it behind them, and in the postgame the next night, gio specifically sites getting into scrums and mixing it up when asked how much more emotion they played with in that win compared to earlier losses, so if mixing it up was good the very next night, the math doesn't quite add up, yk?

but johnny did confirm in his spittin chiclets appearance about two weeks after the muzzin incident that matthew was pissed after they left him out to dry that night, and when asked about matthew's struggles that season darryl sutter said matthew needed to, and would, get back to playing to his identity, so the whole cause and effect of the muzzin incident on matthew's play that season isn't completely unfounded, but i do think multiple guys saying the team needed to play with more emotion, johnny saying in the chiclets episode that the guys skating off didn't find out about the puck flip until they saw it on sportsnet and saying he felt bad about it, and the new coach coming in and getting matthew to play back to his style shows that it wasn't as personal as it was made out to be.

anyway, the flames may not have be as tight knit as the panthers are, but matthew had his people there. he's bffs with hanifin and his friendship with sam bennett is part of what drew him to florida. johnny always says great things about him, blake coleman called him the heartbeat of the team, and was such an important voice in the room that the flames suffered when he and gudbranson were no longer around to tell sutter to chill the fuck out when he was being too hard on guys in the room.

he probably wasn't close with every teammate, most people aren't friends with all their coworkers, but he wasn't some sort of loner in that locker room.

as for the looks, that's all down to personal preference. leon is definitely very conventionally attractive and while matthew has definitely glowed up in the last few seasons, he was by no means ugly. i wouldn't even say he's really unconventionally attractive either. he's got a good face and was a cute teen and people who are like "oh no i find matthew tkachuk attractive now" have literally never made sense to me. but again! personal preference and all that.

again, my apologies if you weren't looking for THIS MUCH of an answer to your question but this isn't even all the sources i pulled up when i first got this ask so i did TRY to keep it short lol

[neopuppy]

Alpha Stepdad Johnny🥺

lmao you are soooo…

warnings. a/b/o, stepcest, covid mentioned(listen…I saw a tweet..), pre-heat, masturbation

“Took a good few months for my taste to come back after I had it.” Jaehyun shrugs. “Smell took a while longer, I think maybe 8 months.”

“It’s frustrating.” Johnny sighs, shoving his plate of food aside. “Waste of money coming to eat here, $80 steak I can’t even enjoy.”

“Have you tried those tricks people recommend online? Like burning an orange peel or something.”

“Hmm, no.” Shaking his head, Johnny grabs the bill to cover their lunch. “On me.”

“Thanks man,” Jaehyun clasps his friend's shoulder, eyebrows raised up. “How’s everything been at home?”

“A little quiet ever since she moved out,” he shrugs, sharing a knowing look with his most trusted friend. “It’s been nice to you know.. have our time alone, but my mate works a lot. She doesn’t have to either but, you know how it is.”

“She’s a real independent Omega.” Jaehyun says, scooting closer. “I know how fond you are of your step-daughter though, I’m sure her absence around the house is hard to get used to.”

Johnny’s lips pout, reaching for his phone to open a text with you, his routine daily check in. The usual, asking if there’s anything you need, offering to swoop by on the way home and bring you food. “Hmm, that’s weird.”

“What’s up?”

“I texted her earlier before meeting you asking if she wanted anything to eat.” Johnny’s forehead wrinkles, locking his phone. “I’ll just order her favorite to-go and drop it off when I pass by.”

Jaehyun laughs through his nose, nodding sarcastically. “You care about her a lot, as if she could be your actual daughter.”

Johnny smiles to hide a grimace, signaling for a waiter. “She’s a good girl is all.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet.”

Johnny tries to call once reaching your building, eyebrows wrinkling together when you don’t answer his second try. That’s unlike you, bothering him the more he sits and rechecks your messages. Maybe you went out.. but even then you’d always sent a heads-up to your family group chat to be safe(after much lecturing from him).

It won’t hurt to double check and make sure everything’s fine, maybe you were still asleep. You always left a spare key hidden inside of the lamp by your door for emergencies especially because of your habit of locking yourself out.

Johnny really disagreed with the idea of you living alone, a young pretty Omega that turned the heads of Alphas with every step you took living independently all on your own left an uneasy tight sensation in his chest, he’d do anything to take care of you. Despite not being blood-related, he’s always felt extra protective of you, having to control himself to not overstep his boundaries and smother you with love even worse after you’d presented.

Pocketing the key to your place, he knocks first, waiting for you to at least call out a response, maybe check your phone.

“Hello?”

Scanning the place, nothing seems out of the norm, your shoes and coats by the front, minimal decorations all in place, a purse flung down on the couch. He tries to sniff first, mentally cursing at the lack of smell hitting his senses. The bag of takeout in his grip a reminder of why he’s here to begin with, not because of his innate obsession of knowing your every move at all times.

If she’s asleep, let her sleep. He nods, quietly shuffling to your kitchen to drop off the food. You’ll wake up and break into a smile upon discovering your favorite meal waiting for you, and then you’ll call him up with your usual ‘Thank you so much daddy, I love you.’

Johnny tingles at the thought, clearing his throat as he strides toward the door only to stop in his tracks as an anguished moan sounds from the hallway leading to your bedroom.

“Alpha, please! please, it hurts!”

Your voice rings through his ears, broken whines following each word leading him closer to the sounds of your heavy breathing, painful cries. Johnny swallows, throat instantly drying up as he walks down the hall, the air thick and humid emitting from your cracked bedroom door.

“Please! Alpha!”

Scuttling ahead he nearly crumbles, feet tangling together having to grab the nearest wall as he reaches your door. Moans burst out louder, singing cries of pleasure between hisses of pain, desperate whimpers.

Fuck, he can’t smell anything, can’t taste your beautiful sweet scent.

Johnny’s neck cranes, inching closer to the doors opening, practically swallowing his tongue as he catches the sight of you sprawled on all fours jamming your fingers into your cunt repeatedly.

“Daddy..”

Snapping to your face he’s relieved to see your eyes squeezed shut, moaning and biting down onto your bedding with each fierce fuck of your fingers in and out. “Daddy, please, please fuck me.”

Johnny wipes at a trickle of spit sliding down his chin, gulping to alleviate some of the dryness filling his lungs.

Fuck, fuck fuck fuck. He should leave, he shouldn’t watch, he needs to pretend this never happened..

“Alpha…”

Each little wanton cry you let out echoes off your bedroom walls, swiping a palm across his face to calm himself as you reach between your thighs circling around your clit with a hiss. “Fuck, you’re so big daddy, please.. need you so bad.”

Johnny can’t tear his gaze away from each pitiful pinch your rim gives, the way your hole pulsates around your digits, pumping desperately as if three of your useless fingers could ever compare to what he could really give you to satiate your thirst.

Tucking in his bottom lip to suppress a curse, he reaches lower, palm dragging down to push in past the waistband of his slacks to grip around his hot girth, blood filling up his size painfully fast throbbing every vein lining the way down.

Harshly breathing through his nose he strokes just once, applying pressure around himself at the tip, thumb smearing the mess of pre-cum around his slit as his gaze burns into your core imagining how fucking tight you’d suck around him.

You’d beg, beg for him to stop, slow down, and give you more all at once. Johnny curses again, mind too foggy to even realize just how far gone he is, vocally muttering under his breath.

“Daddy?”

Oh fuck.

[woman-respecter]

Yo im super curious now who is that ex bestfriend that u mention on the taggs sometimes? Give us some ☕️

LMAO u have no idea how long i’ve been waiting for someone to ask me this. warning this is long and tells like. the entire story of our friendship which is probably more than u asked for haha

i’ll give the TL;DR here and the full story uner the cut

TL;DR: we were best friends for about 3 years, she found out i had feelings for her, and, though she promised she would stay friends with me, ended up completely abandoning me, refusing to ever speak to me again.

ok so exbestfriend (i’ll call her R) and i became friends in my very first class of freshman year of college. we really hit it off and had like completely compatible ADHD wavelengths. i wouldn’t say we were inseprable that year bc i had other friends we spent more time with but her and I, along with another girl from our class (who was kinda insane. i’ll call her G) would spend a lot of time together. sophmore year R and i got closer and started spending a lot more time together. she was kinda my best friend at that point but also didn’t go to the play that i starred in and worked really hard on which was a minor thing but something i still remember. second semester sophomore year we got a lot closer and spent a lot more time together, often without G. middle of the semester i realized i was in love with R (i remember the exact date actually. feb 28 2020.) but youse know how 2020 was, we got sent home for covid.

during the pandemic i took a gap year and R did zoom college but she and i stayed very close in touch, facetiming and texting all the time. we even sent *handwritted letters* to eachother which i still have. in fact she was the *only* person from college who kept in touch with me then. she usually seemed too busy but tried to make time for me. during this time i fell more in love with her.

first semester my junior, R’s senior year was mostly a really good time for me (until the end which we will get to.) we were finally able to see eachother in person after over a year. G wasn’t there to third wheel because she was studying abroad. and R and i became inseparable, even deciding to take a class together (economics, which i loved and R hated). we also became part of a larger friend group which was great for me because i never had that, but still were closer with eachother than the rest of the group. we spent as much time together as possible and saw eachother almost every day. i will admit i was a little to clingy to her at times but she didn’t seem to mind. during this time she was very affectionate and caring towards me. she even did little things that made me think she may have returned my feelings like holding my hand. the other girls in our friend group seemed to believe that R may have liked me as well.

and here’s the part you’ve all been waiting for IF YOU ARE HERE FOR THE BREAKUP START READING HERE: for hanukkah i knitted her a pair of mittens, which i gave her along with a letter borderline confessing my feelings to her. after reading the letter she called me, told me she didn’t return my feelings and that in fact she now felt uncomfortable with me hugging her or telling her i loved her (as a friend) but said she would still would remain friends with me no matter what. the next day we had a convo over text where she said some pretty hurtful things which caused me to kind of act out the next time i saw her at a get together with the rest of our friends. the last time i saw her in person that semester (or, spoiler alert, ever) was when i had to beg her to drive me to the airport to go home for the semester because i could not get an uber but she only did so begrudingly (even tho before my confession of love she had planned to take me to the airport that day)

during winter break i tried reaching out to her to talk things out but she said we didn’t need to. i tried to text her about the game we both played (genshin impact haha) but she would never respond. when we got back to school i kept trying to get her to hang out with our friend group but she always said she had something going on or straight up not responding. she didn’t text me on my birthday either. eventually at the end of february, i think my other friend (who is currently my only remaining friend from that group fun fact) contacted her and told R how bad i was doing because of her absence (oh yeah i forgot to mention, i became suicidally depressed from R’s absence) so R called me and while we argued about a bunch of stuff and she was somewhat homophobic towards me (she said she was more comfortable being friends with G because G was straight) she eventually told me that yes we could be friends again she just needed more time. which i guess i was ok with but it did not stop me from being suicidally depressed.

a month later i reach out to R like hey i really miss being friends could you let me know when you want to be friends again. a WEEK after me sending that text she responds and tells me she doesn’t want to be friends ever again and says some more hurtful shit. that’s the last i’ve heard from her. i almost offed myself at this.

rest of that semester goes badly, my depression gets worse and worse to the point that i lose the rest of my friends except for one (who happens to share a name with R, a sick coincidence) because they can’t deal with it. also R blocks me on instagram and genshin impact.

my depression is a bit better now, it was super treatment resistant so i changed meds a few times. but i’m still not fully recovered from this and i never will be. all i want in life is to have her back. there is an R shaped hole in me that will never and can never be filled. i’m not sure if i’m capable of ever loving again.

so yeahhh thats it. if u read this whole thing ur insane but i love u 💖

[lolexjpg]

👀😈🧠👩‍🏭???

👀 Do you have any WIPs that you would never let see the light of day? If yes, what are they about?

i have several fic ideas that have just petered out and i'm resigned to not finishing. it's not about not sharing them, it's about making peace with never finishing them. (i also have several fics i havent touched in months but im DETERMINED to get back to but that's a separate problem.)

one of those is, sadly, femdomverse 3 (and everything else i had planned). i have shared bits and pieces about it before, and it was going to be called "points present" bc she leaves a pair of her underwear as a ~treat~ for getting his first points ladkfjasldkfjaslkjf

i think my big problem with femdomverse was just down to teething problems. i wrote fdv1 on impulse in under 24hrs, i dont think i would've even finished fdv2 if i wasn't trapped in my appt with covid (thanks covid.) it sorta grew into a much larger idea than it started as and trying to figure out planning it out once i was already in the middle of it. i think it was a good lesson for really taking the time to think out longer projects fully before i post anything in the future.

but fdv still has such a place in my heart and its spirit lives on in my other girlfics!!!!

😈 Is there anything you enjoy doing that you think your readers hate?

this is such an interesting question because i spend very little time thinking about this. i write what i wanna write and if yall like it thats just a bonus :P new ask game tell me things i do as a writer you find annoying??? lol i suppose one thing i do a lot is talk about fics and just not get them finished or posted in a reasonable amount of time. WHICH ANNOYS ME TOO TO BE FAIR. idk. let me know~

🧠 What’s an idea you have that you can’t quite call a WIP yet?

ooooooh gio for u. as a treat. i'll talk abt my sargewood fic idea. this doesn't really count as a wip yet bc i haven't written anything yet, BUT circling back to the first one, planning out longer forms fics is important for me in the writing process. i've only talked abt this with care in DMs so i guess this is its first proper public sharing.

so, it's an au where kyle never really got into racing, he and logan knew each other in carting but kyle's career petered out and he and logan fell of of touch. for logan, his career progresses as we know it irl, until he gets dropped at the end of the 2024 season and he ends up without any sort of drive, goes back to florida in a sort of career limbo. and runs into kyle again!!!!!

but!!!!! surprise!!!! kyle's a dad! (this was all thought up around this btw. i was like how do i make singledad!kyle as a concept into an actual story with substance.) kyle and a high school ex had a baby, kyle realized he was gay so they broke up, she's very very smart and got into law school or smth so she's off doing smart businesswoman shit and kyle is the primary parent who gets child support. (amicable coparenting!!! just to be clear!!!!)

so with all of logan's new free time he can spend all this time with kyle and his kid to the point where lines start to blur and he now has all this free time to unpack any feelings that might pop up. writing a chaptered fic would be so so daunting but i think it'd be a good challenge for me, i just rly need to sent aside time to rly work on outlining everything i want!

👩‍🏭 If one of your fics was going to get you arrested, which one and why?

i'm not quite sure how to answer this question aldfjaslfjasldfja i'm big on. feeling morally neutral abt the fiction we all write. HOWEVER i do know that like, oscarmark is ~controversial~ and i do have this wip. that i havent touched in a while but i love the concept so much i still rly want to get back to at some point. the wip actually predates fdv and i originally was like 'oh i'll just anon post it i'm too embarassed' but now any embarassment abt the wierd shit i write is GONE lmao. i did talk abt it in the replies of this post and thats the most i've said about it before. it's really just a contrived silly little plot all just to set up oscar being fucked over the side of a boat. which is public sex technically which is also a crime. its v self indulgent its very For Me i hope i can take it out of wip purgatory someday :'(

[nerdy-talks]

Hi, how are you? 💕 Okay, so I've never actually sent anyone a request before but I was really hoping to submit one with you, if that's okay! My idea is a little specific but I just started watching House Husband yesterday while I'm down with the Rona and it immediately became my comfort show. Anyway, I was thinking Tatsu/Platonic!Reader, where she's their neighbor who just turned 18 and is living completely on her own. She has no idea what she's doing, because her own parents were never present enough to teach her basic life skills. She doesn't know how to cook, her home is always a mess, and she's in a state of anxiety riddled chaos around the clock, just trying to pull through adulthood. He'd notice and step in to help her, but they end up bonding and he becomes a father figure to her. Maybe it's mentioned somewhere that her relationship with her actual dad isn't that great and they have a sweet moment over her looking up to him :') I'm projecting SO HARD lmao thanks for taking the time to read, I hope you have a good day/night!

I will be more than happy to fulfill this request, anon! And I'm doing fairly well, thank you so much for asking 💙

I am currently working on another Way of the Househusband request, but I start on this in between (:

In the meantime... I really hope you start feeling better soon, anon! I know recovering from Covid can be a roller coaster, so just take one day at a time, get as much rest as possible, and stay hydrated <3

[shankhachil]

I posted 1,612 times in 2022

277 posts created (17%)

1,335 posts reblogged (83%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@identitycrisis-electricboogaloo

@starcloud-nova

@zindagi-toh-bewafa-hai

@peevesiehasasideblog

I tagged 1,039 of my posts in 2022

Only 36% of my posts had no tags

#hagupost - 164 posts

#important - 70 posts

#kala bibhag - 66 posts

#me speaking - 55 posts

#top shelf - 38 posts

#omg - 12 posts

#lmao - 10 posts

#heartstopper - 10 posts

#banglar bhalobashaye - 10 posts

#inventory - 8 posts

Longest Tag: 136 characters

#anyway one of them randomly sent a message in our gc like “it's called footccer” and not having context it took me like. half an hour to

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

It’s not gay if a dog is there na?

13 notes - Posted April 22, 2022

#4

homodbodhan

An article, somewhat. For day 11 of the Desi LGBT Fest 2022, prompt: “The first time you heard ‘gay’”.

I’m going to change this up a bit. I mean, not that I’m not going to tell you the first time I heard the word “gay”, but there’s some more that I want to talk about and I think this is a good chance to share it.

Okay, so first of all, the first time I heard “gay”. Actually, technically, that doesn’t count either, because, really, the first time I ever had a sensory experience of some sort with this word (and doesn’t that just sound wrong?) was from a book called Jobless Clueless Reckless by Revathi Suresh, when I was eight years old. I read the word “gay”.  The book itself is YA, but age restrictions never had any meaning to me, since I was often left to my own devices by my parents. Well — I probably shouldn’t have been reading that book, since it’s a bit mature for an eight-year-old, but the point stands.

A phrase from the book went something like “(....) it’s like he’s determined to show the world he’s gay (....)”. It’s not the exact quote — I have the book in my shelf at home but I can’t be bothered to dig it out — but it’s close. The context, here, is that the narrator’s younger brother likes those beginner’s cross-stitching and knitting sets, and is proudly displaying his collection to the narrator’s crush. 

You see the issue with the narration here, obviously. I’m sure you’re all thinking “casual homophobia” right now, and, yes, once I was old enough to understand what “gay” meant, I went back to this book and said “Yikes!” out loud when I came to this part.

But onwards. I went to my mother and asked her what “gay” meant. She said, “Don’t say such words, you’re not old enough,” and so for a few years I went around thinking that “gay” was a profane word.

And that was it for that. It was the first time I had read, and then heard, the word “gay” at all. But it doesn’t really count because I only understood what it meant three years later. I’ve mentioned in my last post for the Fest that I realized I was gay some months after Section 377 was abolished. It was (I also said) the first time I heard “gay” and actually wondered about what it meant. I was eleven years old, and I enjoyed seeing pictures of attractive men, and didn’t really understand what my friends (who were, looking back, perhaps a bit too mature for their age) meant when they called women “hot”.

I saw “gay” and I went on Google — or maybe Wikipedia — and I looked at what it meant. I read very thoroughly, actually. For a week, when my mother wasn’t actively making me study or go to table-tennis classes or what-have-you, I went onto the Internet on my iPad and researched the LGBTQ+ community like I’d never researched anything before.

I came out of it a changed boy. Obviously, for a few months, I didn’t realize I was gay, I never even considered the fact that I was attracted to men. It never even occurred to me that other boys I knew just... weren’t like me.

A few months later, I started really thinking about whether I was gay or not. It was at the back of my mind for a while. Sometimes I wouldn’t think about it, sometimes I would. More than a year went by like this. And then, in March of the year I turned thirteen, the COVID pandemic came to India. I had already had a lot of alone time — and this increased to almost ten or eleven hours a day. At this point, of course, I had begun to hit puberty, which, combined with the fact that I am decidedly not asexual, led to the development of some... urges. You know what I mean. It feels weird to talk about it since it was so recent. If I’d been in, say, my thirties, I could probably have talked about it more freely, perhaps with a laugh, a look how dumb I was. But I am far from being in my twenties, let alone my thirties, and so I will not elaborate — much.

Skipping the fine details, I will say here that I discovered at thirteen that straight porn did absolutely nothing, and gay porn did everything for me.

Seventh grade, though, had brought my first crush, Who was a girl, and also my best friend. This made things difficult.

So, instead of saying I was gay, I came out to that best friend (who obviously didn’t know I liked her) as bisexual. And that was officially the first label I applied to myself. It was wonderful. These days, to avoid having to explain my full identity, I say I’m bisexual to most people. Most of them don’t ask further.

Fast-forward two more years to now. I discovered that I am demiromantic and homosexual. More labels.

Labels. Probably the most interesting thing that humans have invented — little words that tell you what kind of person a person is, what they do, who they love, where they’re from. All for the uniquely-Homo sapiens purpose of classification. We cannot live without categorizing people into kinds. Detrimental sometimes, yes, but, at its core, one of the most fascinating things about human psychology.

To be honest, before I discovered different kinds of labels, I never really knew anything about myself. I mean... I did, just not actively. The fact that I am Indian, or Bengali, or, for that matter, a boy, never really set itself in my mind very concretely. I never thought about it as much as some people seem to do.

I think that labels are the thing that have helped me most on my journey of self-discovery. Not meditation, or reading, or love interests, but labels. Everything I’ve ever known about myself has been from seeing a word, thinking about it, and going, is this me?

So, back again to the first time I heard the word “gay”. The first time I experienced the word “gay”. The time I came out as bisexual. The eleventh of June, 2022, as I write this post. 

If any of these had not happened, I wouldn’t know who I am or where I am as accurately and clearly as I know now. 

Thank you, then, to Revathi Suresh, the Supreme Court, my friend M, and you all. As all the stars say — wouldn’t be here without you.

***

@desi-lgbt-fest

19 notes - Posted June 11, 2022

#3

I am SOOO jealous of the economics students in my grade rn they only have two papers in group II and the rest of the science students and I have to write four because SOMEONE in CISCE decided that physics chemistry and biology are three papers of one subject

24 notes - Posted May 1, 2022

#2

BYE I JUST FOUND OUT THE INFINITE NOISE IS BASED ON A PODCAST HELLO GIRL THIS IS ALL I’M GOING TO LISTEN TO FOR THE NEXT 5 YEARS

36 notes - Posted May 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

চিঠি (Letter)

A letter in Bangla, followed by its translation in English. For Day 7 of the Desi LGBT Fest 2022.

                                                                                                              ০৭/০৬/২০২২                                                                                                                      কলকাতা

হয়তো, যখন অবশেষে তুমি এই চিঠি খুলবে, তখন তোমার জীবন পুরো দমে চালু হয়ে গিয়ে থাকবে। হয়তো তুমি জোরটা পেয়েছ তোমার গল্পগুলো পৃথিবীকে খুলে দেখাতে পেরেছ; হয়তো তোমার মনের মধ্যে জাদুর, প্রেমের, আশার দুনিয়াগুলো কাগজের উপর, বা সাদা ডকিউমেন্টে প্রকাশ করেছ। বা, হয়তো, তুমি এই কলেজে ঢুকেছ, কে জানে, আই.আই.টি. দিল্লী যেমন তুমি চেয়েছিলে, বা ইয়েল, বিশ্বের ওই প্রান্তরে, আঠারো বছর পরে মা-বাবার থেকে ৮০০০ কিলোমিটার দূরে। তুমি কী পড়ছ? অথবা কী পড়েছ? অঙ্ক? নাকি ভাষাতত্ত্ব; একা একটা স্বপ্ন দেখে পরিবারের কথা না শুনে বেরিয়ে গেছ?

তুমি প্রচুর বাধার সাথে মুখামুখি হয়েছ। আরও বাধা আসবে; তা ছারা জীবনই বৃথা। তবে তুমি পারবে। আমার দৃঢ় বিশ্বাস তুমি পারবে। তুমি এতো কিছু ঝেলেছ − আমি জানি। আমি জানি যে তুমি ক্লান্ত হয়েছ, হচ্ছ, হবে। কিন্তু তোমাকে চলতেই হবে।

২০১৮। ৩৭৭ ধারা অসাংবিধানিক শাসিত হয়েছে। তুমি কাগজের উপরে বড়-বড় করে দেখছ লেখা আছে একটা ইংরেজি শব্দ − গে, গে, গে। এ কী জিনিস, তুমি ভাবছ। ইন্টারনেটে কোনও বাধা নেই। এই দেখো গে মানে কী − আর এবার তুমি ভাবতে শুরু করো, আমি গে নাকি? এভাবেই তুমি নিজেকে নিয়ে অনেক কিছু শিখেছ, আর এভাবেই, ভেবে-ভেবে, তুমি বোঝো, আমি সন্দেহ ছারা গে। 

আর আস্তে, আস্তে, তুমি এটাও বোঝো যে পাশে বন্ধু ছারা, এই যুদ্ধ জেতা যাবেনা।

তুমি আমার থেকে বয়সে বড়। তোমার নিশ্চয়ই বুদ্ধি বেশি, অনেক কিছু দেখেছ, কতজনকে চেনো এবং আলাপ করেছ তা তো অসঙ্খ্য। কিন্তু − তাদেরকে ভুলোনা যারা তোমার জীবনের সবচেয়ে কষ্টের মুহূর্তে তোমার পাশে ছিল। ওই তিনটে বন্ধু − হ্যাঁ, ওরা − ওদেরকে ছেরোনা। আমি জানিনা, সম্ভাবত তোমরা আর কথা বলোনা। তবুও ভুলে যেওনা। আর এটাও ভুলে যেওনা যে তুমি আলাদা। সারা পৃথিবী তোমাকে সন্দেহজনক মনে করে। তোমার আত্মিক পূর্বপুরুষরা তোমার অধিকারের জন্যে লড়েছে। তুমি ভারতীয়; তুমি সমকামী। তোমার নিজের আত্মা স্মৃতি ভর্তি। তুমি এই ধর্ম-পাগল দেশে বেঁচেছ, যদিও কখনও মনে হয়েছে তোমার নিঃশ্বাস যেন যে কোনও সময় বন্ধ হয়ে যাবে, কারণ চারই দিক, না, ছয় দিক, সামনে-পিছনে-ডান-বাম-উপর-নিচে থেকে তোমার দেশ তোমার শ্বাসরোধ করছে। তবুও, যদি তুমি এই চিঠি পড়ছ, তুমি আশা রেখেছ। নিজেকে দুর্বল মনে করোনা। তোমার পুরো জীবন তোমার সামনে আছে। শক্তি রাখো। তোমার যৌবনকাল প্রমান করে যে তোমার আছে।

ছেলেরা আসবে, যাবে, থাকবে, চলে যাবে। তুমি পড়েছ তো। নইলে এতোগুলো প্রেমের উপন্যাস পড়ার কী মানে ছিল? একটু তো সত্যতা আছে প্রত্যেকটি গল্পে। আমি আবার বলব: আমি জানিনা। কী জানি, হয়তো তোমার আছে একজন। একটা অসাধারণ ছেলে। রোজ দেখো তাকে, রোজ ভাবো তুমি ওর মতো একটা মানুষের যোগ্য হলে কিভাবে। আর ও যদি তোমাকে একই ভাবে আদর করে, এটা নিয়ে নিশ্চিন্ত হও যে ও তোমাকে এভাবেই দেখে। 

জানিনা, এই পত্র যখন খুলবে, তখন তুমি তোমার স্বপ্নের মতো বেঁচে উঠতে পেরেছ কি না। যাই হক না কেন − উঠে আসো; দাঁড়াও; বেরোও। অনেকজন তোমায় ভালোবাসে। তুমি কখনও একা থাকবেনা।

তোমার অপেক্ষা করা হচ্ছে। তুমি কিসের অপেক্ষা করছ?

− ইতি, অনেক বছর আগেকার তুমি

***

                                                                                                              07/06/2022                                                                                                                     Kolkata

Maybe, when you finally open this letter, your life will have started for real. Maybe you’ve found the courage to openly show the world your stories; maybe you’ve expressed the worlds of magic, love, hope in your mind on paper, or blank documents. Or, maybe, you’ve just entered college, who knows, IIT Delhi like you always wanted, or Yale, on the other side of the world, 8000 kilometers away from Ma and Baba after eighteen years. What are you studying? Or, what have you studied? Maths? Or linguistics; alone, following a dream, ignoring your family’s advice, have you set off?

You’ve faced many difficulties. More will come; life is pointless without them. But you can do it. I daresay you can do it. You’ve dealt with so much — I know. I know you were, are, will be tired. But you have to go on.

2018. Section 377 has just been ruled unconstitutional. You see one English word written in big letters in the headlines — gay, gay, gay. The Internet has no limits. Look, this is what gay means — and now you begin to wonder, am I gay? You’ve learnt so much about yourself this way, and just so, having thought much, you realize, I am, without doubt, gay.

And, slowly, you realize this too: that without friends, this war cannot be won.

You’re older than me. You’re definitely smarter, you’ve seen so much, and you know countless people and have met infinitely many. But — don’t forget those who were beside you in your life’s worst moments. Those three friends — yes, them — don’t leave them. I don’t know, maybe you don’t talk to them anymore. Still, don’t forget them. And don’t forget this, either: you’re different. The whole world suspects you. Your spiritual forefathers fought for your rights. You are Indian; you are homosexual. Your own soul is full of memories. You have survived this country of religious fanaticism, even though it has seemed, sometimes, that you will suffocate at any moment, because from all four directions, no, six, from front-back-left-right-up-down your country is choking you. If you are reading this letter, then you have kept up hope. Don’t consider yourself weak. Your whole life is in front of you. Have strength. Your youth proves that you possess it.

Boys will come, go, stay, leave. You’ve read about it. Otherwise, what was the point of all those romance novels? There’s definitely a grain of truth to every story. I will say again: I don’t know. Perhaps you already have someone. An extraordinary boy. You see him every day, and each day you think, how did you manage to deserve someone like him? And if he loves you as much as you love him, rest assured that he sees you the same way.

Who knows if, when you open this letter, you have managed to live as you always dreamt. In any case — rise; stand up; come out. You are loved by many. You will never be alone.

You are awaited — what are you waiting for?

Yours, From years in the past, you

***

@desi-lgbt-fest

53 notes - Posted June 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[taegularities]

Hi I'm here to vent 😭😭😭 I'm sorry, you can always choose not to answer i just needed an outlet. Please don't feel obligated, i would understand if you don't read/respond.

I had a falling out with my best friend from school because she misbehaved with my boyfriend. When i confronted her about her behaviour she told me I'm a shitty friend and that I've never been there for her. It's not true, but that's a different story altogether. So basically we had a falling out but i called her after sometime and we agreed to stay on good terms. This was like 4 years ago. Recently I found an old picture and sent it to her just to laugh about the memory and she told me she was getting engaged. I was happy for her, i even cried lmao, it took me back to school days when we used to joke around about getting married. Anyway, we video called and she told me she was getting engaged, she wanted me to know before I got to know from insta lol. I was happy for her. She invited me too, so i said I'll come. We we 4 close friends in school, she is still close friends with the other 2. A few days ago she called me to tell me that they're not inviting many people to the engagement due to rising COVID cases and it'll be an intimate thing between family members. She said she'd let me know if things changed. Now this trip for her engagement would've been my only chance to see my long distance boyfriend who i haven't seen in 2.5 years. I was counting on it, she knew it. I told her already. When she told me it's going to be an intimate thing and they're not calling people, i was upset obviously. 2 days ago, i saw that the other 2 friends have most definitely gone to the engagement. It wasn't intimate. It's pretty clear she didn't want me there but i wasn't raised to be judgemental so i will give her the benefit of doubt that she mightve forgotten to tell me. You know what's funny? I texted her 5 days ago asking if everything was set for the engagement. she had a chance to tell me then, she even replied to my message but then left me on read. Why am I feeling betrayed and hurt when i know she was capable of this? They didn't even try to hide their stories on insta. So basically if i feel shitty, i feel shitty. They don't care. I am genuinely happy for her and i only wish her well but i am also hurt. She should've had the courage to tell it to my face if she didn't want me there, i would've understood. Why am I crying over a friendship that was broken years ago? Why does it feel like it broke all over again and the wounds just reopened? I don't even feel disappointed anymore, i only feel hurt. The world is a shitty place, rid. I'm not sure i want to raise my kids in a world like this. I guess I'm more upset about losing my only chance to meet my partner (she knows everything about our relationship and how hard it's been for us) but being made feel like trash by an old friend is a close second. Irrespective of everything, i did reply to her story congratulating her. I just cannot let my kindness wither away because of some random people.

I feel lighter just writing all of this down so if you read this at all, I'm thankful for you for listening. I hope you're having a great day. If you do choose to answer this, thank you. You're kind and amazing. Also your fics help me escape pain on a daily basis so I'm grateful for you. :)

-S

hey hey! it's okay !!

hmmm 🤔 so i’m speaking out of experience, bcos i had a falling out with a friend like that before as well. but i think there are things you both should think about. i feel like it’s super valid but also a little unfair of you to only look forward to the engagement bcos you’d be able to see your partner. after all, it’s a big day for her, and it should be about her, too ofc. though i really truly get your feelings, too, because i understand wanting to see the boyfriend after such a long time.

and regarding your friend. you said she is still friends with those other two, but you and her just reconnected a while ago; which was just a few conversations, right? so i also kind of get why she would invite close people and those she doesn’t talk to anymore not. like, if this ex-friend of mine invited my other friend but not me, i’d know why; because we aren’t in touch anymore, so it’s valid. that being said, i don’t find it cool of her though that she invited you and then uninvited you, but didn’t give you more information on that :/

i’m so sorry you feel hurt, she could’ve definitely communicated with you. but do also remember that she’s (probably) not a big part of your life anymore, and that she can do with her engagement and wedding whatever she wants to. just the way you can do whatever you want to! you are both not obliged to please the other. remember that people come and go, not everyone stays, and that those who hurt or upset you aren’t worth your time.

she doesn’t seem like she wants to bring back the friendship you once shared, and that’s okay, because that’s how life works, i think! your feelings are all valid, and i hope you feel better soon. i’m really happy that venting helped you tho !! as well as my fics, it’s so freaking nice to hear that you think that 🥺 <3

[se7ens-oc-heaven]

i demand Hesperides Lore Dump /hj

Eyyyy look at me totally answering this ask when it was sent which was totally not like. A year ago. Or whenever it was /lh/s

But he's actually getting some content in my brain machine recently so Hesperides! Or Hes as I sometimes call him (maybe I should start spelling it Hess?)

So to put it simply, Hesperides is a near-immortal predecessor of the modern vampire thanks to some worldbuilding I did for the species. Got a lot of the perks and almost none of the downsides... Aside from of course being immortal and outliving entire empires, never mind people lol

Still, Hess has been around for a while and has hit a pretty chill point in his life because what happens, happens.... Even if that includes getting isekai'd into a dead-end alternate universe on the brink of collapse.

It's fine.

This is where the 'vamphunters' storyline comes into play! He gets kinda dropped into that other world on accident and it starts out like the magically charged 'alt-earth' he's familiar with, though with less emphasis on magic. But a bizarre "pandemic*" that should have run its course instead seems to run the world into the ground, turning people into a bland variation on yout typical zombie apocalypse.

Hesperides tries to save infected people at first, he has countless centuries of knowledge tucked under his belt, but nothing seems to work... He ends up changing tactics and wiping them out on sight, humanity can rebuild if there's less chance for the infection to spread after all. Along the way he picks up Luca and Cheshire and kinda unofficially adopts them, and spends the next few years keeping them safe while they try to wait out the "apocalypse" stage and seek out other survivors.

Except. That doesn't quite pan out for the gang, for some reason....

Eventually, after various plot, the trio gets isekai'd (in Hess's case, Again) back to Hesperides's home universe with its 'like us except all that aliens and magic shit is real and some stuff is better' Earth.

Hesperides gets his boys some goddamn therapy, and meanwhile he decides to sort out how the fuck it was even possible to get isekai'd in the first place, and why things went in such a weird direction in the other world. He joins one of the local superhero organizations, gets a goth bf with bonus kid, also adopts an au version of one of his existing kids, and alternates between being a cool interdimensional hero/detective and the goofy gay undead dad of the area.

...I think I gave some lore too much detail but also tbqh cut a lot of shit out. The dude has a lot going on for him lmao. Guess that's what happens when you live for thousands of years, huh

@ anyone reading, feel free to send in asks bc I'd love to talk more about the gang here!

*before anyone assumes, I wrote the vamphunters base plotline back in middle school, had nothing to do with Covid. Covid just somehow made the aggro spread of my fantasy illness unnecessarily realistic lmao

[libra-stellium]

How do you surround yourself with people who care deeply about you?

Realizing today that one of the reasons I hate being sick isn’t actually being sick but being reminded that there’s no one to take care of me when I am and it sucks

Literally only my bestie reached out to ask if I was okay today but she lives out of state so that’s all she can do and everyone else that does live here not a peep from them 🙃 and I haven’t texted anyone bc I’ve been tired and I usually text a lot and no one even noticed so that’s wild 🙃

My aunt lives in my building but I don’t even want her around me bc the first thing she had to say to me when I told her I was sick was to victim blame and tell me I “must” have not protected myself enough like???? Of all the people to tell this to 🙄 coming from someone who’s antivax and is only masking now bc now she knows what it’s like to have Covid. Coming from someone who was mocking me just two weeks ago bc I asked her to have a negative test before coming to my apt. I’m the only person out of everyone around me still masking in most situations. I guess it’s my fault that I was required to be at work in person last week for 3 days and had to eat around people who were coughing. Next time I’ll starve??? It’s ridiculous!

And I don’t think I know how to cultivate the kinds of friendships that I want??? Like how do you make friends that would come bring you medicine and soup when you’re sick? Or even send me a DoorDash? Bc I’ve done that before like sent a friend their fave ice cream on DoorDash bc they were sad. Is it that the friends I made arent those types of people? Is it bc it’s established already that I would take care of myself? Do I have to ask? I don’t want to have to ask lmao

[greatbigstorm]

/ /

[vrisrezis]

Hi! I hope your requests are open because I wanted to ask for a platonic Southpark x reader fic (4th grade not Post COVID). Could you write a Cartman x reader who forgets to eat and almost passes out in class, causing Cartman to get mad and basically try to force them to eat quite a bit after school to make up for what they haven’t. Lol I just like the idea of Cartman being caring but also pissed. Thank you! If you don’t like the request just ignore this lol.

So cute I love this idea a lot <//3 I forget to eat all the time tbh lmao

Class was so boring. If you were being honest with yourself, you couldn’t tell if you were falling in and out of conscious due to tiredness or just because you haven’t ate anything today. It’s hard to remember to eat, especially so early in the damn morning. You wish lunch would come sooner, but you have two more fucking periods. You thought you were gonna throw up a whole ass hour ago, but that damn nurse just sent you back to class regardless. You were thankful nobody else caught on, especially not your close friends Cartman, Kenny, Stan and Kyle.

Those guys were the closest friends you had (despite the fact they’re assholes). Despite this though, they worried about you greatly. This was because of your little habits. Those little habits being .. forgetting things. You forget things all the time. Even simple things normal people usually remember, such as eating. You forget to eat all the time, even when you’re hungry you forget to eat and get distracted by something. Sometimes you forget to sleep cause you got distracted on some game. The list goes on and on. You wished you weren’t so forgetful sometimes, but that’s just how you were.

Honestly, the one you were worried the most about was cartman. Sure, the other three would worry a lot about you.. but cartman got especially mad about the food thing. Food is clearly a passion of his.. right..? You hope that’s not mean to think but.. it does make sense why he’d be more angry about it. He loves eating, and can’t understand how somebody could forget to do something so important. Kenny would at least be forgiving.. even though he kinda struggles with getting food from time to time (which kinda makes you feel like a dick). Kenny actually thought you may have had a eating disorder, but you reassured him you really just forgot. Stan and Kyle believed you on that, but those two always get so concerned about you (which you don’t want).

But cartman always got the angriest, when Kyle is concerned for somebody, even he doesn’t get angry. But cartman? Pissed. But you didn’t have time to worry about the consequences of cartmans anger, because it was too late and you feel yourself passing out. You know you should .. say something. Any part of you that tries to keep this a secret from the bigger kid next to you goes out the window as you reach over and grab onto his arm.

He jolts from this sudden contact, confused for a moment and is about to yell at you before he notices your state. “oh shit!” and that alerts Stan and Kyle to tell Garrison what’s happening.

You were quickly sent to the nurse, unfortunately you could not be picked up from your parents (or any other guardian) and you can’t just walk home by yourself (you questioned why somebody can’t just walk with you, you were told that is just simply not possible), and were told to just stay there at the nurses office until school was over and you had somebody in school walk you home. The nurse didn’t have any food unfortunately, but she was able to at the very least get you some water to drink.

When school was finally over, the nurse told you that you apparently had a volunteer take you home. A part of you prayed it may have been Kenny, maybe even Stan and Kyle. But you knew better. Maybe a small part of you hoped for butters since you lived right next to eachother, but deep down you already knew who it was gonna be.

Eric Cartman.

The boy you’ve been dreading to see since you went in the nurses office. He was acting all innocent and nice to the teacher, even gave you a sweet smile. But you knew that wasn’t a sweet smile. You knew him too well. He was fucking pissed.

He held out his hand for you to grab, “we don’t need to-” “grab my hand.” he said in a warning tone. You knew better than to piss off the kid that made his own half brother eat his parents, so you obliged and grabbed his hand and walked out of the office and you grabbed your things and walked out with him to school, hand in hand. “Why are you holding my hand?” “Why aren’t you eating?” He snapped back, and you went silent. “Jesus Christ! What will it take for you to remember to eat every once in awhile!” He rolled his eyes. You’ll admit, you expected more than that.

As to which you were right. “Cartman this isn’t by my house.” I know that. I’m taking you to KFC.” “Oh.” “And then we’re going to McDonald’s. Wendys. Burger King (even though it tastes like ass),” he went on for awhile and he certainly didn’t disappoint. He took you to all of those places, and you felt like puking from how much you ate.

You had fun though, yeah cartmans a bit scary when you don’t eat but his anger doesn’t last for long and you two can just talk about normal things again.

And after that, he said “I hope you don’t do this again dumbass. You seriously know how to piss me off.”

[nothorses]

Top Surgery Journal

I figured it was time to share my top surgery experiences, so folks can potentially learn from them! I'll be updating this as I have more to add.

For context, I am in the U.S. (specifically Washington state), and a legal adult. A lot of my process may not apply to everyone.

Getting Coverage

The first step to scheduling top surgery is getting insurance coverage for it. Talk to your insurance first to figure out if they do cover top surgery, and what you need to do in order to obtain coverage. Oftentimes it won't be listed officially on your plan, but you can get coverage as long as you can prove you need it.

I was lucky enough to have good insurance with trans healthcare included, so all I needed was a letter from my PCP, and a letter from a behavioral health counselor specializing in gender dysphoria. I didn't need any diagnoses, any specific length of time on HRT, any particular presentation, etc.

(If you live in Washington, state law requires that top surgery be fully covered under Medicare. It might be worth it to check your state's laws as well!)

Referrals

I tried to schedule with a surgeon myself, thinking it was my responsibility to get the documents sent over and everything, but my PCP actually referred me when I first told her I had gotten coverage from my insurance.

I ended up going with that referral because the other surgeon was so hard to get ahold of, but my PCP did also send a referral to the surgeon I'd chosen before. I recommend going through your PCP for referrals first, as it takes a lot of the workload off of you- and they'll likely write a referral anyway when sending the documents needed for coverage over.

You may also find that the surgeon you talk to has different requirements than your insurance before performing top surgery. A referral from your PCP might bypass these requirements, but be sure to call them yourself and double-check. Your surgeon's office is supposed to call you to schedule a consultation, and they may not call you at all if you don't have all of those documents in- which means you can be left in limbo indefinitely, not knowing you need to send them more than you already did.

The Consultation

I was able to get a consultation about 5 weeks after calling, which was great! The consultation is your opportunity to ask the surgeon any questions you have, for them to evaluate your chest and what methods might work for you, and for you to see their results (most surgeons do not post result photos online for privacy reasons).

Come into the consultation with all the questions you have written down somewhere, so you don't forget. I asked:

If I could see photographs of his top surgery results

Which incisions he thought would work for me, stressing the things that were important to me: minimal recovery time, no free nipple grafts (I wanted to keep mine, but without risking a failed graft), and minimal chance of needing revisions

What my recovery would look like for the recommended incisions

Whether I will be getting drains (ideally, yes: drains reduce recovery time and the risk of needing revisions)

If he's had patients who have had complications (failed grafts, infections, need for revisions, etc.) and what he's done to reduce the chances of that happening again

My surgeon's results looked good (scars were even and symmetrical, healed nicely, etc.) and he answered my questions really well, so I was happy to go with him!

He recommended the fishmouth method for me, because recovery time would be minimal, there would be no need for nipple grafts, and my chest was small enough for it to work really well.

Scheduling the Surgery

My surgeon didn't have a very long waitlist, but it still took about 3 weeks for the clinic to process my request with my insurance (yes, even though I already had coverage). Once they'd processed that, they called me with a window of time I could schedule within; after a few months, insurance would no longer cover the surgery.

I got an extension, as I was working an intense summer job that I couldn't really take a few weeks off of to recover, then scheduled my surgery over the phone. They asked if I wanted a pre-op appointment, and I declined, as it'd mostly be information covered in the consultation or that could be given to me over the phone.

Preparing for Surgery

I wasn't given a check-in time for the hospital until about 2pm the day before, but they finally did call me and give me some instructions, including:

My check-in time and place

The hospital's phone number, to give to my ride/caretaker in case they had questions

That I was not to bring visitors (cause covid)

To bring my ID, insurance card, and credit card

That I was not to eat or drink anything after 12am that night (I did drink a bit of water with my meds, which they seemed fine with)

To shower with antibacterial soap the night before, and the morning of the surgery

Not to wear hair or skin products like deoderant or gel

Not to wear any jewelry, or anything else removable that wasn't just a clothing item.

When I checked into the hospital, they had my fill out some paperwork including the name and number of my ride and caretaker (which could be the same or separate people; they called the ride number when it was time to pick me up, and the caretaker number with detailed updates on my progress). Then they had me change into the hospital gown and answer some medical history questions, prepped me with an IV, and had a nurse, both anesthesiologists involved in my surgery, and my surgeon check in with me for more information and to answer any last questions I had.

I was told to use the bathroom about 20 minutes before I would be going under for my surgery (to avoid needing a catheter), and once I did, they injected some anesthetic into my IV and I passed the fuck out.

After Surgery

I showed up to the hospital at about 9am, and the prepping ended around 11am. The surgery was scheduled to end at 2pm; I wasn't conscious until about 3pm.

They had me use the restroom again (I passed out on the floor of the bathroom because it was way too soon, lmao), and I was in and out of sleep until I finally used the bathroom on my own at about 5pm. At that point I was a lot more lucid; I had some toast and pudding, and the nurse called my caretaker to go over post-op instructions with us both.

After that I dressed myself, was wheeled out to pick up my pain meds at the in-hospital pharmacy, then hopped in the car with my ride (the wonderful @lillia-pad) at about 5:30pm.

Recovery

I have a pretty high tolerance for anesthetic, so I was mostly just tired during the 36-ish hours the anesthetic continued to wear off. I didn't experience any nausea or lightheadedness either, but I was given an anti-nausea patch behind my left ear, plus some anti-nausea meds, just in case.

My post-op regimen sort of looks like this:

Take 1-2 tablets of oxycodone every 4 hours (for pain)

Take 2 tablets of laxative meds twice a day (cause pain meds cause constipation)

Empty drains twice per day, and record how much was in them

Get up and walk around every couple of hours to reduce the risk of blood clots

Ease into eating again: start with clear fluids, and work up to crackers/bread/etc., to avoid nausea and vomiting.

Lay down propped up on plenty of pillows, and only on your back (no side-sleeping!)

Keep the compression binder/gauze on for the first 48 hours, then remove them to shower as needed (but put them back on after!)

I was pretty lucid by the third day post-surgery, and was able to scale my pain meds down pretty quickly from 2 tabs on the first day, to 1 tab for the next two days, to 1/2 tab. Meds are much more important at night, when there's nothing to distract you from the pain- don't be afraid to ration them for nighttime.

Oxycodone also definitely causes drowsiness, so I took a lot of "oxy naps" about 45-60 minutes after I took my meds, which last between 20 minutes and 2 hours depending on how tired I am.

I have my post-op this week, so I will update this post with more details on my scars and healing then!

[vicea]

dream merch discord recap (june 12, 2021) - disclaimer: i may have missed some things or mistakenly heard other things, apologies in advanced for that!

he has not played the new minecraft update

dream “knows” the date george is coming to florida but he’s not saying it :p

dream doesn’t have anyone muted on twitter

dream guesses his favorite disney princess is belle

sapnap has seen dream’s feet before

he’s not actually connor’s dad in the dsmp lore

dreamnap do not have nicknames for each other D:

dream likes olives but especially black olives

his mother makes homemade pickles

he doesn’t have a phone case

he has dropped his phone from his ear onto concrete in the parking lot before and the screen didn’t crack

dream has six fingers /j

he pours cereal first not milk when making cereal

dream calls sapnap nick most of the time :D

what’s your dream car? “idk the one that gets me to point A to point B consistently”

he finally fixed his sleep schedule, woke up at 8 am today

mrbeast owes dream a tesla because he never sent dream the audio file

dream is a very analytical person - he thinks with numbers/data

creativity is one his strengths that he is the most proud of

3 to 4 years ago, dream used to say george looks like shawn mendes a lot, now he doesn’t resemble him as much

patches is currently sleeping <3

swimming is very relaxing to dream, he swam the other day!

many houses in florida have pools than other places, even the cheapest houses in orlando have pools

dream has merchendise defects (misprints on merch) + milestone merch and he wants to give them away to those who live in orlando (probably to anyone but the event will be held in orlando) though he doesn’t want it to be a covid super-spreader thing so once you pick up your item you gotta dip. just all an idea though

he has been donating them to charity too though :)

dream has likely read Heroes of Olympus before a long time ago

he says that he’ll do a give away of his childhood books with his signature on it

he was obsessed with the series (Percy Jackson) 

he really liked the Alex Rider series

has all of Maximum Ride books, 39 clues books

has read the legend series, the twilight series, and the maze runner

has all/read of the harry potter books, divergent, eragon

he would read all the time, to the point he would read more than one book a day (a book worm he says)

dream had a goal to read 200 books in a year and he wind up reading about 150

he doesn’t want to call it a library but- growing up he had something like that that had 600 or 700 or more books in it (privileged he admits it)

he has not read a book since he started youtube (about 2 years)

dream has a folder called Book that has his own writing in it

word count: 76000 words for one of his stories 

another one he wrote 5 chapters of

he sounds very excited/embarrassed talking about the stories he wrote he’s so endearing

the very first paragraph of one of his stories (he was young when he wrote this) “What exactly is darkness? is it the lack of light? is it a pit of nothingness? ... your mind is full of darkness...” then he couldn’t continue.

the story is about a kid who wakes up in a cell and has no idea where he is with other people who are in the same situation

dream has a world building document

he has a sequel to the first book he has ever written

he found a query letter that he wrote because he wanted to get his book published- he finds it very funny

he’s calling himself a nerd but idk it’s kind of endearing

“as you can tell i’ve always been incredibly cool and not a nerd at all! ever.”

he cringes at his own old videos

dream took a lot of inspiration from witches and wizards by james patterson for writing

the story is written in a way where the main character is actually writing the story so you’re getting input from the main character during it. there’s a lot of sarcasm in it and it’s making dream laugh

very first person narrator

he feels like it’d be very cool if he were to publish his works he wrote when he was 16 on amazon or something but he probably never would because he’d have to read through all of it and it’s just embarrassing for him

dream used to video call sapnap fairly frequently- even before youtube

he strictly remembers, a very long time (at least 7 to 9 years) ago he was at his old childhood house he video called sapnap. he was wearing a (technically) suit and he remembers specifically that he was giving sap a tour... 

“snazzy in a suit”

he had no reason to put on the suit (wow time is a flat circle huh)

drista is pretty close to sapnap’s height, she’s like 5′7″ but sap is still taller than her

dream filmed the whole thing when he and sapnap met but... it’s... gone because when he was clipping that one clip for twitter... it edited the whole video

he’s sure when they meet up with george they will film that too :D

DREAM IS PRETTY SURE THAT HE AND GEORGE WILL MEET THIS YEAR-- HE SAYS A 95% CERTAINTITY the five percent is like either restrictions or visa issues

dream does not play any instruments but he had a guitar hanging on his wall when he was younger...

dream is convinced they’re the same height but also sapnap is probably taller??

they had george compare his height to a door frame and dreamnap were googling for any doorframes to find any possible chance that george is taller than 5′8″ ... nothing came up

there’s a chance they’re both lying about being 5′8″

sap and george will literally just show up in stilts to prove they’re taller than each other /j

dream without shoes is between 6′2″ and 6′3″ with shoes he’s 6′3.5″

dream is talking about awesamdude’s fake height arc again LOL

dreamnap are very private people so they don’t bother each other but george doesn’t care and would just barge into their rooms and start bothering them- they were all joking about that over a voice call

he will visit europe

he thinks that greece would be a cool place to visit because sapnap’s family is from there :) so it’ll be like a nice “treat” to go back with sap :D

dream isn’t entirely sure that the dream team meet up will happen this year but he’s working out the details because he wants to make sure it’s safe

he’s talking to youtube about his face reveal

it’s up to george if he wants to eat healthy when they finally move in

dream just has a lot of meat and vegetables in his house

spinach with chicken is good

not much fruit (only apples and tomatoes)

“DRISTA IS 5″ is trending on twitter LOL (her height got cut off)

dream doesn’t want people flying to different places because he doesn’t want to encourage travel so he wants to do all of the meet ups with a two day heads up at most

he thinks that it’s awesome that ranboo and tubbo are meeting soon !! :D

it’s very cool to dream to see how far everyone’s has come since the beginning of the dsmp. everyone has done so much

dream finalized his youtube plan a couple weeks before he uploaded his video and he was talking to drista about how he was gonna be a big youtuber in a parking lot :”)

she was the first person he really ever talked to about it

dream would love to teach george how to drive it’d be really funny :D (a very good video or a livestream idea) 

dream knows how to ride a bike, he used to have to bike to school

he can’t explain dnf.gay he has no clue he is not responsible. sapnap was the one who found it LOL. he is adamantly exclaiming that it was not him

dream doesn’t worry about views/likes/dislikes a lot- mainly views but that’s for the new uploads

he hasn’t uploaded in like a month and a half (*cries*)

he wants to stream at some point but he doesn’t know when 

he wants to play geoguessr but not now... he doesn’t want to alt stream rn- maybe tomorrow!

he is insisting that the splash text on his minecraft home screen is by callahan

he asked callahan to send him bunch of text files that are dream team related so that the splash can rotate through it but callahan thought it was funny (it is) to put only dreamnotfound <3 so it doesn’t ever change at all and dream doesn’t even know how to change and he has asked callahan to change it but he said no (even though dream pays him LMAO)

the video referenced in the padilla’s video is still in the works, it might be handed over to sapnap though !

he has no idea if he will be in MCC pride yet

padilla got dream’s input for the video, dream found him to be a very nice guy ! :) it’s the first interview that dream did that wasn’t by a person with a negative opinion of dream

dream felt relaxed doing the interview with padilla 

?????? he’s blaming callahan for his “dnfisreal” nickname in bedwars 

he’s blaming callahan for a lot of dnf-related stuff

callahan runs the dream fanart account thus the liking of dnf content

he’s so insistent that it was callahan

dream admits that he was lying about the twitter and other stuff but for sure callahan did code the splash text in LOL

dream liking that tweet “the chances of george doing a hot tub stream is the same of dnf dating” was “funny” he wasnt trying to do any commentary...

the inside joke of “oh it’s all just a joke to you” originates from george and sapnap actually always fighting (like them yelling and shouting at each other) and george said something really mean and sapnap was hurt then geroge said “it was just a joke” and sapnap replied with that line and ever since then it’s been a meme LOL

he says that everyone does the hand-on-the-passenger-seat-while-reversing thing

dream is offline raiding with his chat with 6k people

dream appreciates us and will talk to us soon! 

[unbridgeabledistances]

ian + mickeys neck (was thinking of the drunk ian fic and wondered if you would be interested in pursuing this idea further?) <3

anon i am CRYING thank u so much for this!!!! i have been feeling like i need to make my contribution to the “mickey’s neck” discourse for a while lmao and this is my opportunity (esp bc ian holding mickey in the 11x12 stills wrecked me)

in the spirit of following up 11x10 i decided to write this based on an amazing post @mickey-millagher made/a prompt that @pombby sent me about ian teaching mickey to swim at a public pool during lockdown at some point early s11- i hope u enjoy<3

(this is the tiniest notch steamier than what i usually write but it isn’t smutty fyi- tw for descriptions of choking😌)

--

There was no one at the park— the air hung heavy and humid over the empty picnic tables and wooden benches that punctuated the fields of dying grass. As much as people on the Southside were definitely not taking any part of this lockdown shit seriously, it didn’t surprise Ian how silent the public park was— there was still a scarcer number of people out on their stoops or lounging on street corners this summer. Ian guessed that the few people who didn’t think that this was a hoax realized that this COVID shit was serious enough that they couldn’t afford healthcare if they got it, or whatever— but regardless, that meant that this Southside summer was weirdly stagnant somehow, and felt different from the noisy and crowded rhythms of summers past.

It was the late morning, just as the air started heat like a convection oven as the sun rose over the skyline— and Ian had his heart set on teaching Mickey to swim today. The conversation had come up last night at dinnertime, when Debbie was complaining about the heat wave— and they had all started reminiscing about the rickety, tin-sided pool they used to put up in the backyard years ago until Carl had taken a hatchet to it when he was 11 when he was trying to tear it down. Sitting next to Mickey at the kitchen table, thighs pressed where their chairs were scooted close together, Ian had suddenly remembered his words from their road trip to the border, years ago now:

“You could try swimming across the border.”

“I never learned how, man.”

And he’d immediately opened his mouth, not catching the words before they moved from his brain to his mouth, and asked Mickey in the middle of the dinnertime chatter: “Hey Mick, did you ever actually learn to swim?”

It was funny, and arbitrary, and stupid; they were married now, but for some reason this small fact about Mickey, the fact that he used to not know how to swim and by now he might have learned without Ian’s knowledge, made something warm pool in Ian’s stomach. He’d known Mickey, and had been itching to be closer and closer to him, for a full decade—and there were still so many things that he didn’t know. And this was proof, this question that Ian still didn’t have the answer to about some weirdly fundamental aspect of Mickey’s identity— he was always going to want to keep asking things about Mickey. And he was always going to get to.

Mickey had looked him with daggers in his eyes, then flickered a defensive glance at all the smirks growing on Ian’s siblings’ faces. “Fuck you. I was doing plenty of other shit in Mexico, didn’t really get the chance to lounge on the fucking beach.”

Ian had reached under the table and placed a hand on Mickey’s knee—a peace offering, an apology for whatever Mickey-can’t-swim quips Carl and Lip would inevitably think up as a low blow the next time they all butted heads at breakfast time— but as the chatter about backyard pools and heat waves continued at the dinner table, Ian felt an idea stirring.

Which is why the next morning he’d woken his husband up by pressing a tender kiss to his jawbone, both of their skin damp and clammy from the heat in the stuffy bedroom, and whispered into his neck:

“I wanna try something today.”

Mickey’s mind had immediately veered in… other directions, his eyebrows raising in vaguely disappointed disbelief when Ian had explained his idea to go to the public pool and teach Mickey to swim with an exuberant grin on his face; but after some very enticing morning persuasion that had a lot to do with the fact that Mickey was still half asleep while Ian had pressed kisses down his spine and dragged him out of bed and handed him a pair of swim trunks, now they were at the public pool in the nearest park at midday, with Ian leading the way and Mickey dubiously and sleepily straggling behind him.

Ian slid open the lock on the chain-link fence that surrounded the pool, the same pool that was usually crawling with groups of teenagers smoking weed and toddlers in floaties who were sticky with melted ice cream on a summer day like today. And maybe he was just all hopped up on nostalgia, but Ian was feeling cheerful— there was a lightness to the blinding summer sunshine, radiating through him as it pooled on his skin, that made him feel weirdly exhilarated and giddy about teaching Mickey to swim in this grimy Southside pool, just because he could.

“I still can’t believe you never learned how to swim.” Ian said it over his shoulder as he strode through the gate, holding it open for Mickey.

Mickey just flipped him off, following behind him and setting down two towels and the 6-pack of beers he’d grabbed from the fridge as they’d shuffled out the door minutes before. Ian grinned. He knew the beers would be warm and syrupy in minutes—the air was muggy and humid, without any hint of a breeze for relief. Ian could already feel the sweat dripping down the back of his t-shirt; he peeled it off as he walked over the sunwarmed concrete towards the pool’s edge, crumpling the shirt and throwing it on top of the pile with the beers and the towels. Mickey was hesitant, not following Ian to the border of the water just yet.

“Seriously. I can’t count the number of times I was shoved into our bacteria-infested backyard pool when I was a kid. I’m pretty sure that Frank tried to drown me in there at one point.”

Mickey just shrugged noncommittally, his fingers slack around the bottom hem of his shirt and his eyes zeroing in on the pool of water. Ian thought Mickey would say something in reply— but the only sound in the air was the faint shouting of kids playing a basketball game the street over.

Holy shit. Ian had been so buoyant and excited about his nostalgia-fueled idea of going to the public pool on a summer day and teaching his husband to swim, dragging Mickey out of the house without a second thought, that he hadn’t realized it until now— Mickey was scared.

Ian swallowed down the grin that was threatening to overtake his face— one he knew that Mickey would immediately notice and hate, because he it drove him crazy when people gave him shit in vulnerable moments like this, when Mickey couldn’t do something. So instead Ian kept talking, hoping his chatter would loosen some of Mickey’s nerves.

“Didn’t you and your brothers ever go down to the other pool over on Trumbull?”

Mickey met Ian’s eyes then, raising an annoyed eyebrow. “Clearly not.”

And, okay. This was understandably bringing up some childhood shit. Ian tried to snap Mickey out of his head— he strode over to where Mickey was standing, a good six feet from the poolside, and snaked a hand onto the back of his neck, squeezing gently in what he hoped was a grounding and comforting touch that would drain the trepidation from Mickey’s defensive stance.

“One summer Debbie was so afraid of getting drowned at the public pool that she learned how to hold her breath for 4 minutes.” Ian grinned at the memory of Debbie dunking her head in a tub of water in the kitchen, making him and Lip time her. “Honestly, it was probably for the best you never went to the public pool. It was a shit show.”

Mickey scoffed, but the lightness was back in his eyes. “If I knew how to swim back in the day I probably woulda been the one doing the drowning.”

Ian barked out a laugh— and why did he immediately turn back into his 15-year-old self, with a god-awful crush on Mickey Milkovich, whenever Mick said shit like that? He pressed his lips into a smile, squeezing Mickey’s shoulder once more for good measure.

“Yeah, yeah. Okay, king of the Southside. You ready to get in the water?” Ian’s hand trailed down from its grasp on Mickey’s shoulderblades, dropping to encircle Mickey’s wrist and guide him towards the water.

Mickey immediately recoiled, yanking his hand from Ian’s hold and taking a step back, squinting and holding up a hand to block the bright rays of sun out of his eyes now that he wasn’t standing in Ian’s shadow.

“Fuck d’you mean? I’m not just gonna fucking hop in there and drown. You gotta show me what to do.”

Ian grinned again, without being able to hold it back. He knew what Mickey was like when he was afraid of something— defensive and grumbly and avoidant to touch. He rolled his eyes. “Can’t really teach you to swim when we’re not in the water, Mick. C’mon.”

Ian walked over to sit on the edge, then slid his torso down into the pool. The water was lukewarm and tepid, barely providing any relief from the sticky air— but it felt nice. Ian let out a little breath of relief from the heat as he waded over to the shallow end. Mickey was still standing by the mound of the towels the ground, watching him warily. Ian raised his eyebrows.

“You coming?”

Rolling his eyes, Mickey aggravatedly pulled off his shirt, tossing it behind him— sunrays bounced off of Mickey’s pale skin, owing mostly to the fact that Mickey had barely left the house in the last few weeks because of their prolonged “honeymoon.” He slowly walked to the very edge of the pool and, in a movement that made Ian’s heart grow ten sizes, hesitantly dipped a toe into the water like a cat trying to paw at something. A corner of Mickey’s mouth flickered downwards almost imperceptibly, a worry line sprouting on his forehead.

“I don’t know, man.”

Ian breathed out a laugh. Leave it to Mickey Milkovich, shit-talking king of the Southside, to be afraid of the shallow end of a public pool. Ian reached out a hand in what he hoped was a comforting gesture, still smiling like a sappy motherfucker at his painfully endearing husband.

“C’mon Mick, just stand here with me first.” Ian was waist-deep in the shallow end, the water pressing against his upper thighs— he knew that at this height the water would be at Mickey’s waist, right where his swim trunks met his hipbones.

Mickey’s brows furrowed from where he was still perched on the concrete lip of the pool ledge, his two feet firmly rooted. “Explain what I gotta do first. To swim, or whatever.”

Ian blew out a breath, still grinning like an idiot. “It’s not that hard, Mick. You just gotta circle your arms and circle your legs. But you have to get in the water first.”

Ian treaded over, pushing through the water to where he could rest his upper arms on the edge of the pool beside where Mickey was standing, staring up at him with what he hoped was a convincingly pleading face. Mickey’s eyes were still fixated on the water, lapping at the pool’s edge from where Ian had rippled through it. And suddenly Ian had an idea.

With a teasing grin, he reached a wet hand out from the water and encircled it around Mickey’s ankle, splattering the concrete with drops of water. Mickey immediately jerked like an electric shock had jolted through his body.

“You gonna come in, or do I have to make you?”

Mickey tried to shake his ankle out of Ian’s grasp, but Ian had hold of him with an iron fist. Mickey leaned over and tried to swat at Ian’s arm without losing his balance on the pool’s edge.

“Cut that shit out right now, Gallagher.”

Ian just grinned, squeezing Mickey’s ankle like he was about to tug him in. “Come on, Mick.”

Mickey’s eyes widened and, just as Ian had imagined he would— he started to freak the fuck out.  

“Ian stop that shit right now, I swear to god I will fucking murder you if you—”

They were at the 6-foot marker in the pool, right where it was deep enough for Mickey to stand on the very tips of his toes; and with this knowledge, Ian tugged at Mickey’s calf— causing him to falter, his arms circling like a cartoon character before he lost his balance and crashed into the water on his side.

Ian immediately placed his hands on Mickey’s hips, standing him upright before his head even fell under the water— but Mickey was still sputtering and splashing, like the drama queen that he was. Once Mickey regained his composure and realized he was easily standing on the bottom of the pool, his head bobbing just above the water, he swiftly splashed healthy burst of water into Ian’s face, the chlorine stinging his eyes and nose.

“Fuck you, Gallagher!”

Ian coughed at the water that had shot up his nose, but immediately splashed Mickey back—and then, because there wasn’t any way this whole pool situation was going to go anyways, he and Mickey were immediately engaged in a life-and-death splash battle, circling each other in the middle section of the pool.

Ian was laughing so hard he felt a stitch in his side— and Mickey was finally grinning again, water dripping down his cheeks and clinging to his hair. After a few minutes Ian threw his hands in the air in surrender, the water cresting at his shoulders.

“Truce!”

Mickey splashed one more surge of water at Ian’s chest for good measure, grinning like a kid in a candy store— then he took a step closer to Ian, eyebrows raised.

“Truce.”

Ian beamed down at him, pressing a quick peck to the top of his damp hair. “Sorry for throwing you in the pool.”

Mickey rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

“But in my defense, it had to happen eventually.”

Mickey shoved him squarely in the chest, taking a step back. “You ruined the fucking truce.”

Ian gave a smug smirk. “Do you wanna learn how to swim, or not?”

Mickey flicked another burst of water at him, just enough to cast a slew of droplets onto Ian’s cheeks. “Alright. Get coaching, Michael Phelps.”

Ian hadn’t really considered how he was actually going to teach Mickey to swim— but it couldn’t be that hard, right? He tried to think back to when Lip had taught him how to tread water, on an equally as sweltering day in the backyard pool, when the yard was packed with lawn chairs and drunk neighbors and smelled of ashy barbeque smoke.

“Okay. So you’ve gotta move your arms in circles, kinda, to stay floating. And your legs too.”

Ian swam over to the deeper end of the pool, just an arm’s length away from where he and Mickey’s feet could touch, and tried to demonstrate how to tread water. “I feel like the easiest way for you to learn is just by doing it. C’mere.”

Mickey looked at him reluctantly, brows furrowed again in an outward display of his bundled nerves. “No fucking way.”

Ian sighed in exasperation. “C’mon, Mick. I’ve got you. I’m not gonna let you drown, you can hold on to me the whole time.”

Mickey raised an eyebrow— but then hesitantly took a step towards Ian, the water reaching up to the bottom of his chin.

“Alright, good. Now step where you can’t reach and try to tread water like I did.”

Mickey stepped forward again, then started to circle his arms under the water— and he was doing great, for a second, before he seemed to get too in his head about the mechanics and started to grit his teeth.

“Little help here, Gallagher?”

Ian grinned and stepped forward. “Here, you can hang onto me.” He stood where Mickey could reach and grab onto his shoulders if he needed to— but Mickey seemed to regain his confidence, and was starting to steadily, if a little bit clumsily, tread water.

He kept it up for a while, until Ian could see that he was overexerting himself— waving his arms under the water with a little too much gusto, brows furrowed and his teeth digging into his lower lip in concentration.

“Mick, you’ve got it. Chill out for a sec.”

Ian reached an arm out, a branch for Mickey to grab on to— because he had been joking before, yes, but he really didn’t want Mickey to fucking drown— and when Mickey grasped onto it, Ian pulled Mickey towards him in the water, kicking backwards so they were suspended in the deeper end of the pool with Mickey clinging to Ian’s neck.

Mickey looked nervous as Ian veered them towards deeper waters, his eyes darting from side to side where they were floating, his fingers digging into the back of Ian’s neck— and Ian smirked at how freaked out he seemed, standing only a few feet from where they could both confidently stand on the tiled pool bottom. But Mickey didn’t resist, or try to propel himself back into the shallower waters— he let himself cling on to Ian, fingers interlaced behind the tops of Ian’s shoulders, as he kept them afloat. Ian laughed softly in a warm, wet gust across Mickey’s cheek. “You okay?”

He could feel the heat radiating off of Mickey’s body, squeezing up close against him— and Ian couldn’t help it, the wave of fondness that came over him as he looked down at where Mickey was pressed against his chest; trusting Ian to keep them above the water, trusting Ian enough to go along with his stupid plan to teach him to swim in a public pool on a random morning just because Ian wanted to. Ian couldn’t help but feel warmth in his stomach at this simple moment, at the two of them bobbing in the pool— at teaching his husband to swim, something Mickey’d never gotten to do as a kid but something that they had the rest of their lives to do together.

“Maybe we could teach Franny to swim next summer. If we have our own place.”

As he said it, Ian hoped that Mickey could see the flood of hopes that he had for them in his eyes— that he wanted a place with a pool, and a balcony, maybe a backyard, and maybe even a fucking garden—he’d always wanted to grow tomatoes. More than anything he wanted to build something sturdy, that could stand up to whatever ground would inevitably shift beneath them in the years to come— he’d been thinking about that a lot these days, especially with all of the pandemic shit that had pulled a rug out from under this entire neighborhood.

Mickey’s gaze flickered up from where it had been boring a panicky hole in Ian’s sternum, meeting Ian’s eyes at the phrase “our own place”— and Ian instantly knew that he got it, that he could see the dreams that Ian was building for the two of them right in front of their eyes. That after months and years of obstacles and chaos and other voices infiltrating their heads, now it was just them— now it was just Ian and Mickey, clinging to each other and drifting through the calm, chlorinated waters.

And maybe it was their proximity, or the intensity Ian knew he was pouring out in his gaze, but instantly the air between them shifted as Mickey looked up— starting to hang heavy like the press of the humidity in the air. Their faces were centimeters apart— and Mickey’s lips parted slightly, his eyes now cast downward at Ian’s lips. Ian could smell the sweet, warm beer on Mickey’s breath, mingling with his own; he looked at Mickey, whose arms were still wrapped around his neck, water dripping down his face from the hair that was fanning over his forehead—and Ian just had to pull him in, had to place a hand in the damp hair at the nape of Mickey’s neck and tug him closer, backing them against the tiled wall of the pool.

Ian could taste the faintest bitterness of chlorine on Mickey’s lips, from the water droplets lingering there, as he took Mickey’s bottom lip between his teeth. Mickey’s hands were still limply wrapped around Ian’s neck, keeping himself afloat— even though Ian had backed them against a wall in the shallow end of the pool again, and Mickey could probably touch his toes to the ground if he wanted to.

Ian raised his hand from under the water, wanting Mickey closer— he pressed a hand to the side of Mickey’s neck, slick with water, and slid a thumb over Mickey’s collarbone, pressing down with the pad of his fingers.

And Mickey gave a little involuntary noise from the back of his throat, sending a jolt down Ian’s spine.

Ian’s hands circling Mickey’s neck was definitely not a foreign concept while they were kissing—  it was something they did a lot these days, especially as their hours in bed had taken a turn from the crazed, I-missed-your-body-so-fucking-much sex they were having in the beginning days of being in prison together and those early months after Mickey had gotten released— but both in prison and during this fucking quarantine, they’d gotten a bit more experimental, and a bit more reckless—especially before Ian had gotten his warehouse job and they were still on their structureless “honeymoon,” spending entire days lounging in bed.

It was those days of lazy, languid kisses, after years and years of already knowing each other, that Ian realized that he was maybe a little bit obsessed with Mickey’s neck. He’d always joked about liking Mickey’s legs, and that was true too (if he was being honest, there wasn’t a part of Mickey’s body that didn’t make his blood run hotter)— but the first time Mickey had grabbed Ian’s hand and put it up to his neck while they were tangled together, pressing down until Ian’s hand covered most of his throat, Ian knew that they’d opened Pandora’s fucking box.

By this point, Ian’s hand was pretty much always on Mickey’s neck at some point while they were fucking or even just making out— if he was being totally honest, Ian’s hand was on Mickey’s neck more often than not in lots of contexts these days, once they realized how much they both loved it. But there was something about this current moment, of Mickey wantonly desiring a point of contact there, right now, while they were very randomly and decidedly making out while floating in a public pool on a lazy weekday afternoon, that made Ian’s blood run hotter than usual, and rush quicker through his veins.

Ian let the pads of his fingers creep up the velvet skin of the side of Mickey’s neck, pressing a little deeper, a prelude— he could feel the vibration of Mickey’s heartbeat starting to flutter from where Mickey was still pressed against his chest, still clinging to his neck in the water.

They’d already extensively discussed limits and everything, Mickey would tap his wrist twice if shit got too intense— but even with that in mind, Ian pulled apart from Mickey for a second, trailing ghosts of kisses up the side of his neck and nipping at the underside of Mickey’s jaw. Mickey stretched his neck back and gave a little involuntary sputter of a moan, bubbling out of his mouth before he could stop it. He fisted a hand in Ian’s hair, at the nape of his neck, and leaned forward again to press their lips together with more fervor.

Ian pulled back again, his upper back resting against the concrete lip of the pool. Mickey looked disheveled and wrecked, half-dry chlorine-crusted hair sticking up from where Ian’s other hand had been cradling the back of his head, his blue eyes gleaming and catching the over-bright summer light. Mickey was still clinging his arms around Ian’s neck, holding on— they were in a fucking pool, and Mickey still couldn’t really fucking swim yet— and even though they were standing in a place where Mickey’s toes could certainly touch the ground, the whole thing felt weirdly insular and intimate, like they had to cling to each other.

Mickey raised his eyebrows at Ian, like he was daring him to keep going.  

Ian leaned forward, breathing heavily into Mickey’s mouth, but not pressing their lips together yet—and he reached a hand up again, against Mickey’s tender skin. Mickey’s legs were wrapped around Ian’s hips now, locked like a vice to keep himself upright in the water— and he pressed a little harder, gently pulsing at the sides of Mickey’s neck, in tandem with their lips pressing together over and over again as the warm waters surrounded them—the whole thing, the whole combination, made Ian feel indescribably floaty and weird and warm and blissed out; his skin stinging like ice and fire at every point of contact, electricity  zapping his nerve endings wherever his fingertips met Mickey’s skin. Mickey fisted his hand harder at the back of Ian’s hair, nodding slightly—and they were definitely not going to fuck here, in the filth of a Southside public pool, but this insular closeness, the knowing what they both wanted to right now, was equally as thrilling and fulfilling to Ian in the moment. He could almost feel his own heart beating, reverberating as it pressed against Mickey’s chest, vibrating straight through Mickey and back to him as they clung to each other in the water.

Mickey’s body was thrumming, letting out little gasps of breath between kisses and touches—and Ian pulled back and dragged his lips down the side of Mickey’s neck, inhaling the sunwarmed skin. Fuck. He was never, never going to get enough of this.

**

Later, they’d dragged their water-heavy limbs back through the still summer streets to the Gallagher house, their skin pink and their bodies exhausted from soaking up the sun— and they’d collapsed into bed, feeling the dried chlorine coating their skin.

Ian reached a hand up, rubbing a thumb over Mickey’s cheek, their bodies pliant and fatigued— and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Thanks for letting me teach you how to swim.”

Mickey had smirked. “Yup, that was definitely the only highlight of today. Swimming.”

[wlw-imagines]

London Bound - Alex Morgan/Reader (USWNT)

Inspired by requested: “hey dude! Can I request an Alex x reader where r moves to Tottenham with Alex and Alex admits her feelings for reader?? Thank you!!” - anon

a/n: lmao we’re pretending AM was never pregnant in this bcos i’m lazy and wrote it without charlie (sorry charlie) - swear my love for AM is growing every time i write -hope you guys enjoy!!!

2020 was well and truly kicking your ass.

After everything this year had brought the world and now - Now - Alex was leaving you to move to England. Which easily came to the top of your personal list of the worst things to happen to you in 2020 - Second probably being that you had been laid off from work recently due to Covid, but Alex was the one to pick up the pieces and you weren’t sure what you were going to do when she was halfway round the world from you.

Being comforted on zoom wasn’t quite the same as being able to bury yourself into her side with your favorite film and her favorite snacks, and talk to her about everything weighing on your mind (obviously holding back the fact that you had a giant all-consuming crush on her, because... that would just be embarrassing).

You sighed, stretching your legs out across the couch and letting them rest on Alex’s lap. She smiled, resting her arm on top of your calves and passing you your wine glass before taking a sip from her own.

“I can’t believe you leave in a week, what am I going to do without you?” You pouted, looking across to Alex with your sad puppy dog eyes on. Maybe, if you were convincing enough then she would stay here, with you.

Alex nodded before hesitating, taking another sip of her wine and clearing her throat, “So, I was thinking...”

She paused again so you nudged her with your foot, “Hmm? What are you thinking?” Alex took a moment and looked at you over her glass before taking a deep breath.

“Come with me.” She blurted out.

“Huh?” You frowned, not managing to connect the dots that quickly.

Alex chewed her lip and shrugged, “I mean, well, if you wanted to... you could come to England with me.” Your eyes slightly widened at the suggestion and you smiled at her. How could you say no? And yet, she was moving in a week. How could you just uproot your whole life just for Alex?

“Alex, I-”

“Just think about it, I mean, you may not get an opportunity like this again. Losing your job sucks and I’m so sorry that it happened to you but just...” Alex placed her hand on your knee and sent you a look and it suddenly dawned on you, that was how you could move your whole life to London, for that look- for Alex, “come and live with me... in London.”

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It is.” She laughed slightly and you raised an eyebrow.

“Is it?”

Alex let out a groan of frustration and ran her hand through her hair, “Y/N, I have a place that has an extra bedroom that I won’t need. You can stay there! Imagine it, come on, Y/N.”

You let out a laugh and nodded, “I could cheer you on in the stands.”

“With all the other WAGs.” Alex sent you a wink, and you just rolled your eyes before sending her a sarcastic smile.

“Funny.”

“But really, imagine us together in London.” She smiled and you both sat in silence for a moment, both thinking of what could happen and of what this could mean.

After a moment, you hummed and spoke quietly, “It would be an adventure.”

“It really would,” her eyes sparkled as she looked over at you, a soft smile gracing her lips, “Is that a yes?” She asked, hopefully.

“I don’t know Alex, this is a big decision. Just, let me sleep on it, okay?”

She smiled, nodding, but the smile quickly turned to a smirk as she drank her wine, “You know, I’m taking that as a yes-”

“Alex.”

“London, here we come!”

xxxxxxxxxxxx

You yawned as you arrived at Alex’s front door. It was the next morning and you’d been thinking about her offer from the night before all evening, and now all morning. In the end, you were so distracted that you’d hardly slept and so decided to go back to Alex’s and tell her what you were thinking, making sure to grab two coffees on your way.

Putting the coffees down on the floor, you reached inside your pocket for your pair of Alex’s keys, something she’d given to you months ago now. Your heart warmed each time you remembered the moment she’d given them to you. You wouldn’t let on to her that it made you love her even more, but it made you blush each and every time.

You walked into her kitchen and put all your stuff down on the counter. After a quick look around, you could tell Alex was still probably in bed, asleep. You walked through her house and opened the door to her bedroom, confirming what you thought.

Without a word of warning you jumped onto the bed, laying half on top of her as you poked her stomach. She groaned and swatted at your hands before wiping at her eyes and stretching. She just stared at you for a moment as she fully woke up and smiled, “Good morning to you too.”

“Hi.” You grinned, wriggling your eyebrows.

“What do you want?” She asked, snuggling back under her blankets and wiping the sleep out of her eyes.

“I think I should do it.”

She frowned, “Huh. What’s that?” She asked before letting her eyes close again. Before she tried to fall back asleep you decided to tell her the good news, sure that that would wake her up.

“London. I think I want to come with you to England.” You said, excitedly.

“Hmm.” She nodded, eyes still shut.

You groaned and shook her, “Alex, wake up. I’m telling you I’m coming to London with you. Be excited.”

“That’s a firm yes?” She mumbled from under a blanket, still not waking up to celebrate with you.

“It’s a yes, but-”

She nodded, “Okay, good, because I got a bit excited late last night after you went home and booked your plane ticket.” She admitted, reluctantly opening her eyes to look for your reaction.

“You- what?” You asked, in shock, “What if I said no?”

She smirked and pushed you off from on top of her so that you were lying side by side, “I can be very persuasive.”

“Alex-”

“I’m sorry, I just wanted you to come with me so much that I couldn’t help myself.” She pouted. And it was either the pout or the way she was so cute when she was just waking up that convinced you that you could never be annoyed with her so you let a grin spread across your lips.

“I can’t believe we’re doing this.” You wriggled excitedly and Alex smiled before rolling over and putting her arm across your stomach, preventing you from moving.

“Me neither but I’m also going back to sleep.” She mumbled, sighing and closing her eyes again and she snuggled into you and under her blankets.

You groaned and shook her shoulder, but lowered your voice to just above a whisper, “No, we have to celebrate and I have to start packing.”

She slightly shook her head, “You can pack later.”

“You can sleep later.” You pouted, poking her.

She hummed but shook her head again, “Just ten more minutes.”

“I’m giving in but just so you know, I’m grouchy about it.” You whispered, closing your eyes after a moment of watching her.

“Mhmm. Go to sleep.”

You really couldn’t believe that you were getting to go to England with your best friend in the whole world. As you slipped off to sleep, the dreams of what was to come made you smile and hold onto Alex that little bit harder.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

You had very quickly decided that you never wanted to do such a long distance flight again. You ached, you were hungry, and most of all you just wanted to get into bed and sleep for a week.

Your black taxi stopped in front of what must be your apartment - what Alex was proudly referring to as your London Flat, she had been driving you slightly crazy with all her English words. ‘Pavement’, ‘Trousers’ and ‘Football’ were becoming frequently used in her vocabulary.

Alex unlocked the front door and pushed it open, letting you walk in first before following behind and looking around, “Home sweet home.” She smiled.

You nodded and blinked a couple of times, trying to wake up and look around your new place. “It’s nice.” You commented, keeping back a yawn as you dropped your bag on the couch.

“Nice?” Alex raised an eyebrow at your choice of word and shifted her bag on her shoulder.

You laughed and nodded, “It is! Here, give me your bags and I’ll go put them in your room.”

Alex hummed knowingly and squinted her eyes at you suspiciously, “Is this your way of trying to find the bigger room and claiming it before I can get a look in?”

“You know me too well.”

Laughing, she nodded, and handed over her bags and the suitcase, “Thanks, I’ll go get the rest.”

You nodded, too tired to speak, and trudged off with the bags. In all truth, you’d probably deliberately give the better room to Alex since you were so whipped. If you could get away with it maybe you’d try and share her bed every now and then - you always slept better when you were with her. You were just more relaxed maybe.

You entered the first room and mentally noted it as Alex’s. It was a massive room and maybe you were slightly jealous but you shrugged, dropping her bags in the door and backing out to go find the room you’d call yours for the next year.

Once back in the hallway, you turned to walk further to the only other door and opened it. You frowned, turned around, closed it and opened it again, looking in. Nope, that was definitely a bathroom. You walked back into the hallway and searched for another room.

“Alex?” You shouted, finding no other rooms or doors that could possibly lead to a second bedroom. There was no answer, even though you’d heard the door shut and Alex moving about. You sighed walking back into the kitchen/living room, “Alex!” You called again, and her head popped up from behind the kitchen counter.

“What? Are you okay?” She closed the cupboard and stood up, walking around the kitchen counter and towards you.

You pouted, a frown still on your face, “I can’t find the other room?” You huffed, tired and confused.

“What other room?”

“Like- the second bedroom? You know, the room that I’m meant to be living in?”

Alex scratched her head, “I’m sure they said it was a two bedroom place.”

That made your eyes widen, “You didn’t check?” You asked, slightly exasperated.

“I didn’t think I had to!” She shrugged, putting her hands up in defense, “Are you sure?” She asked, walking oast you and staring down the small hallway - with both the bedroom and bathroom door left open. You stood next to her, not sure what to say until you felt her laughing next to you.

“It’s not funny, Al.” You pushed her, which only served to make her laugh even harder, “Alex Morgan, I swear-”

She took hold of your hand and squeezed it, “Oh, come on, admit it, this is fun! We’ve always said, it’s like our very own adventure. It’s fine, we can share a bed, we’ve done it before.” She shrugged, coolly tunring back to the kitchen and resuming what she had been doing.

“Sure, for a couple of nights.” You frowned, leaning on the kitchen counter and following her movements with your eyes.

She shrugged, “So?”

“This is going to be a bit more permanent.” You scoffed, resting your head on your arms as your eyes drooped slightly.

“Are you saying you don’t want to share a bed with me?” Her words made you snap your head back up to look at her. Rather than have to answer her question, you cleared your throat and rolled your eyes.

“I’m saying you’re stupid for not checking there was space for me.”

She grinned and moved back around to your side, wrapping her arms around your waist, “I’ll always make space for you,” She laughed, jokingly pinching your cheek before she removed her hand and kissed your cheek instead, “Come on Drama Queen, let’s unpack.”

You tiredly followed her and grumbled out, “You’re paying for take-out tonight.”

“Pizza?” She suggested, walking into her- your- bedroom and smiling at your new space.

You scoffed and shook your head, “Pfft, no way, Chinese.”

“Hmm, we got Chinese last time.” She groaned. You raised an eyebrow.

“Do I need to remind you that we’ve just moved away from sunny, spacious Orlando to a single room-”

“Okay, okay, Chinese it is. But only if you come with me on my morning run.”

You immediately nodded, happy to be eating what you wanted, “Deal.” You nodded smugly.

You landed onto the bed, the bedding had already been prepared by someone from the Spurs staff earlier - as had most of the apartment seeing as the place was owned by them and being rented to you through them. Alex soon dropped next to you, sighing as she turned on her side to face you.

“I think we’ve already picked our sides.” She smiled.

You nodded, your eyes starting to droop again, “Yeah, this is comfy.” You mumbled.

You could feel Alex’s eyes on you and there was a pause before she spoke, “Do you want to sleep? I can start unpacking.” Her voice was soft and it was calming. You shrugged, not intending on falling asleep.

“Hmm. Travelling is more tiring than I thought.” You spoke and just before you fell asleep you felt Alex press a kiss to your forehead and pull a blanket over your shoulders.

“Sleep well.”

xxxxxxxxxxxx

It had been a couple of weeks since moving to London and things had been going great. At first, you had to admit, you were kind of intimidated by the idea of living, and sharing a bed, with Alex but actually it was going better than you had anticipated.

However, being away from a lot of your friends and support from home was proving to be difficult. Whilst Emily Sonnett’s stint in Orlando had been short before being transferred to Sweden, it was long enough that the two of you had formed a real connection. 

Even though you couldn’t see her because of lockdown, she felt a lot closer to you than anyone else (except for Alex) and was the only one who knew exactly what it was like to move from Orlando to Europe (except for Alex). She was also the only one to know about your massive crush on Alex (something Alex definitely didn’t know).

Since you’d been separated you’d been facetiming a whole lot, catching up with each other and how strange life was in a foreign country. She’d been teaching you a few basic (or just very strange) Swedish words and you’d been... well, she knew English already so you’d mainly just learnt her Swedish words and left it at that.

You also often talked about Alex, “So, how is married life going?” Emily grinned down the camera, perking up now that the conversation had turned to what she really wanted to talk about.

“Very funny, Em, we’re not married.” You deadpanned down the camera, just making Emily laugh.

“Sorry, no, you just wish that you were married.” She corrected herself and you felt your cheeks grow hot.

“Shut up.”

“Come on, admit it, you’re not mad that it’s a one bedroom apartment,” She pushed, “I mean, isn’t that the trope every queer person dreams of?”

“Okay, maybe I’m not mad about it...” You laughed, shaking your head. It felt good to be able to tell the truth around someone. You were just glad you had someone who wanted to hear the truth.

“Of course not.”

You shook your head, “I don’t know Em, I mean... am I that girl that travels halfway round the world for someone that I’ve been in love with for what feels like half of my life-”

“Honey, I’m home!” Your eyes widened as you heard Alex’s shout and guiltily straightened up in your chair.

You reached out for your laptop and went to close it, “Uh, Em, I have to go.”

“I heard that, y’know?” She said, and you could hear her smiling through her voice.

“It doesn’t mean anything.” You grumbled quietly.

“God, Y/N, you’ve got it bad.”

“No, I just-”

Before you could finish, Alex appeared in the doorway, leaning against the doorframe. She still had her training coat on and a mild look of panic that immediately disappeared when she saw you, “Y/N? I was worried, are you alri- Oh, sorry, am I interrupting something?” She saw Emily on the laptop and smiled, waving.

“Hi Alex!” Em replied enthusiastically, shooting you a cheeky smile.

You shook your head at Alex, deliberately ignoring Em’s look, “No, it’s fine, Emily and I were just catching up.”

“I’ll leave you guys to it, we’ll talk later Y/N? We have things to talk about.” She emphasised a wink at you and you blushed, shaking your head. Did she have to do that in front of Alex, what if she connected the dots?

“Yeah, sure, okay Em.” You quickly said, going to close your laptop.

“Love you Y/N.”

“Yeah, yeah, love you too.” You grumbled out before closing the laptop lid on her and sighing, turning to Alex, who looked like she was in deep thought.

She turned to the wardrobe, grabbing some clothes to change into - and you noticed the jumper she chose was yours, which made you smile, “You guys are close?” She asked, her back to you as she grabbed some sweatpants and socks.

You nodded, “Hmm, I guess we spent a lot of time together when she first moved to Orlando.” You replied, getting on your phone so you could scroll through twitter as she changed.

“Do you miss her?” She asked, bring your attention to her briefly at the same time as she peeled off her shirt. You cleared your throat and looked back down at your phone.

“Yeah, don’t you think it’s weird to be away from everyone we know? That sounds dramatic, but-”

“No, I guess I get it.” She interrupted, pulling on her sweatpants before sighing and collapsing on your bed.

You smiled, putting your phone to the side, “So... ready for movie night?” You asked, you’d been trying to make your way through Netflix ever since lockdown rules had tightened and you could only go outside for exercise and to shop. Tonight was a weird Hallmark movie about Halloween and to be honest you couldn’t wait.

Alex scratched the back of her neck and shrugged, “Um, I might actually not be able to tonight.”

“What, why?”

“I’m... busy.”

“Doing what?” You asked, slightly frowning.

“I don’t know, just, got to go out and do some stuff.”

“You know we’re living in a lockdown so... you can’t really leave the house,” You smiled as Alex fidgeted, “We don’t have to watch a movie, we could do something else?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged again, avoiding eye contact.

Your frown deepened as she continued to avoid eye contact, clearly there was something wrong that she wasn’t communicating so you pressed her, “What do you mean?”

“I think I just need to chill on my own for a bit.” She stayed focused on her phone, and you nodded slowly. It was fair enough, everyone needs time to themselves every now and then. It had been an intense few weeks.

“Oh, right, yeah.” You stood up from the desk in your bedroom and Alex nodded.

“Do you want the living room? Or the bedroom?” She asked, still not really looking at you.

You sighed, worried that something serious had happened, or that she just needed someone to talk to, so you sat on the bed next to her and put your hand on her knee, “Did something happen at practice?” You removed your hand when she made a move to get away from you and stood up, “Or did I do something?” Alex sighed and you realised, “I did do something.”

“Nope, no. I’m just tired.” Alex got off the bed and busied herself by going through the clothes drawers aimlessly, taking things out just to fold them back up and put them back in.

“What did I do wrong! Let me guess!” You suggested, determined to find out and to make things better for her.

“Y/N.” She spoke, and if you’d been paying attention then you might have notice the warning sound in her voice but you had already switched your brain to things she had asked you to do, i.e. the shop and general cleaning of the house. But you were sure you’d done everything.

“Did I forget to put the wash on? Or, like, was I meant to pick you up today?”

“Y/N, don’t.” Alex said with a bit of an edge to her voice.

You definitely heard it this time and raised an eyebrow, “Oh, you’re mad mad at me,” You licked your lips and sighed when she dtill refused to say anything, “Al, you gotta talk to me.”

“Oh my god, I asked you to go? I used my voice and I talked to you and I told you to leave me alone. Isn’t that enough?” There was a beat of silence as your heart seemed to jump into your throat. Sure, you’d had your arguments during your friendship but she’d never snapped at you like that. “Y/N, get out!”

“Right,” You gritted your teeth and went to pick up your keys from your bedside table, ready to leave the house to cool down, before realising you weren’t suppoed to be leaving because of lockdown. You huffed out, throwing your keys back down on the table and turning to Alex, “Just to let you know, if I could storm out of this apartment right now then I’d be storming out.”

Her eyes followed your movements around the room before they softened and she reached out to you, “Y/N-”

“I don’t want to talk.” You stopped her, leaving her in the bedroom and pacing round the living room. After 5 minutes of trying to let off steam, you sat on the sofa, resigning yourself to trying to get some work done whilst you were alone.

After sitting down you groaned when you realised that your phone, laptop and headphones were all still in the room with... Alex.

You sighed and rubbed your eyes, it wouldn’t help to just sit here and stew on it and at least working would get your mind off of this and also be productive. You stood up and gritted your teeth, walking towards her bedroom and, before you could regret your decision, you stalked in and grabbed your stuff.

Alex looked up from the bed, her phone to her ear and her eyes slightly red. She paused for a moment, like a deer caught in the headlines before trying to speak, “Okay, look-”

You shook your head, “No, I left my headphones in here and how else am I meant to make it clear that I’m angry with you and don’t want to talk. Or maybe I could do what you do and shout at you and make you feel like shit.”

“Y/N.” She tried again and you put your headphones over your ears and pointed to them.

“Sorry, I can’t hear you, I’ve got my headphones on.” You said before leaving the room again. Maybe coming to England was a stupid idea, or maybe you were just being stubborn and passive aggressive. But either way, you didn’t want to talk to Alex right now.

It wasn’t fair for her to blow up on you for no reason. Maybe tonight would be a good night to sleep on the couch.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Watching Alex playing soccer again was great to see, despite having to move across the world to see it. You truly had enjoyed yourself (even though you were trying your best to stay mad at her for how she acted toward you - but really the two of you could go in circles forever being this stubborn).

Alex had seen you in the stands at the beginning of the game, even from across the field you could see the look of surprise, and relief, on her face as she sent you a big wave and a smile - of course, you grinned and waved back just as enthusiastically.

The morning had been an awkward one of avoiding eye contact, avoiding speaking and generally avoiding each other - which is, unsurprisingly, incredibly difficult to do in a one-bedroom apartment.

But the game was great, it ended in a draw but Alex still looked elated, and ran over to where you were standing as soon as the referee’s whistle blew.

You grinned as she came to a stop in front of you, flinging your arms around her and pulling her in for a long hug, “Hey.” You mumbled into her shoulder.

Alex pulled back slightly, still smiling, her cheeks slightly rosy, “You came?” She asked.

“Of course, I come to watch all your games,” You smiled, a smile that you hoped conveyed that all was fine between you, at least from your perspective - let’s call it an apology smile. She stared at you for a while, hey eyes sparkling as she bit her lip, “Alex?” You asked, waving a hand in front of her face.

“I am in love with you.” She blurted out, her cheeks getting slightly more rosy as her eyes widened at her own confession. There was a beat of silence as your brain tried to catch up with your heart, which was beating like crazy.

You went to open your mouth when a guy came up to Alex’s side. He was wearing Spurs uniform and donning a wide grin.

“Hey, Alex! Great game, it was great to see you on the field again.” He put his hand on her shoulder and she reluctantly drew her gaze from you and turned to him, putting a smile on and nodding.

“Yeah, thank you so much, I loved every second of it.”

He removed his hand and you released the breath you were holding, “Good, that’s so good to hear. Well, hopefully we’ll be seeing a lot more of you on the pitch?”

“Fingers crossed.”

“I’ll catch you later.” He waved, walking off to speak to someone else.

“Yeah, see you tomorrow Kyle,” She sent him a wave in return before clearing her throat and tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, “So, uh, he works on the medical team so...”

Your gaze lingered on his retreating from for a second as you tried to think of something to say, “Cool, yeah, uh- just to double-check about what you said-”

“Right, yes, when I said that I’m in love with you.” Alex nodded, now looking at her cleats.

“Yes, that.” You confirmed, glad that you weren’t just hearing things, “You... love me.” You reiterated, still slightly in shock.

“Um, yes... That’s- yep.” Alex still kept her gaze away from you as she nodded again.

You hummed, taking a step towards her, “Because, fun fact, uh, I love you?” Her gaze immediately snapped up to meet yours as a look of surprise dashed across her features.

She frowned slightly, “You-”

She was, again, interrupted by a group of her teammates this time, “Alex! Great game, I’m sorry for what’s about to happen.” One of them, Kit, shouted as Josie sprayed her with water - mostly missing Alex as they jumped around excitedly.

“Wha-” Alex gasped as the cold water hit her, “Funny.” She sarcastically said before letting out a chuckle at the younger player’s shenanigans.

“It’s tradition, I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sure I can forgive you. You mostly missed.” Alex smirked.

“That’s how she plays football as well.” They had a mini argument together before turning back to Alex.

“Seriously though, it was sick to play with you, are you heading back for team talk?”

Alex nodded, putting a finger up, “Yeah, I’ll just be a second.”

“Oh, hey, Y/N!” They waved over to you and you smiled, glad that they were out of water so they wouldn’t try and bring you into their game.

“Hi.” You laughed, sending them a small wave.

“See you in there?” They asked as they walked away, giving Alex a thumbs up when she nodded.

Once more, Alex turned to you, a smile still on her face as she took a couple of steps towards you so you were toe to toe, “So, sorry, you love me?”

You laughed and, before anyone else could try to interrupt, came out with the truth, “Oh my god, of course I love you. I moved halfway across the world to be with you,” Alex stayed silent and looked like she was thinking something over. You nudged her slightly and quirked your head to the side, “Alex?”

“I didn’t think-” She stopped herself, starting to go red, “I thought that was like a ‘we’re best friends’ thing.” She admitted.

You squinted, still trying to make your brain keep up with everything, “Wait, so you invited me as a friend?” Alex quickly frowned and shook her head.

“No, no, I invited you because I love you.” You nodded, relieved. Despite this conversation being a roller coaster of a ride, you loved each other in the end.

“Okay, I’ve just got to-” you interrupt yourself this time, pulling Alex closer to you (if that was even possible) and connecting your lips in a loving kiss. It was a long time coming and this wasn’t something you were going to forget in a hurry. As you gently placed your hands on her cheeks, her arms quickly wrapped around your waist and she instinctively kissed back. It truly felt like this was where you were meant to be, in her arms. You finally knew what people meant when they were talking about having a soulmate.

“Alex,” A shout from your right interrupted you as Alex pulled back at the sound of her name, “team talk! Now!” She turned to you, slightly out of breath, and her eyes lingered on your lips before she met your eyes.

“10 minutes.” She breathed out, holding your hands in hers, “I’ll be 10 minutes, 15 tops. Wait for me?” She asked, a hint of insecurity in her eyes, which vanished and was replaced with a mega-watt smile when you nodded.

“Okay, yeah, of course I’ll wait.” You smiled as she slowly took her hands from yours. She hesitated, not wanting to leave in that moment but you nodded, taking a step back to let her go.

She waited a moment longer before nodding and walking backwards to where the team were huddled, “I’ll see you soon.”

“I’ll be in the car.” You nodded, and watched her turn around and run off.

As soon as she was gone, you quickly left the stadium, wanting to get back to the car before you celebrated. You still weren’t entirely sure what had just happened. It kind of felt like you were in a dream right now and you really didn’t want to pinch yourself in case it wasn’t real (and also because pinching yourself hurts).

Sitting in the car felt like forever as you fidgeted nervously, trying to find things to do with your hands as you pushed buttons and opened all the compartments in your car whilst waiting for Alex to return.

Eventually, the passenger car door opened and Alex sat down, closing the door behind her and turning to you. “Hi.” She smiled.

“Hey,” You settled your hands in your laps, not wanting her to know how nervous you were, “So-”

“So-” She spoke at the same time before laughing, “Sorry, you go first.”

“I just- I want to hear it one more time.” You admitted, letting an embarrassed smile creep onto your lips

Alex grinned, “I love you, and-”

“And I love you too.” You immediately nodded, moving towards her over the gear stick and pulling her in for another kiss. This one felt different, it felt more permanent, like this was going to be your forever. One of her hands fell to your inner thigh as she held your cheek with her other, the warmth of her breath making your lips tingle. After what felt like an eternity, you reluctantly pulled away (not before placing another quick peck on her lips - or maybe a few more than that). For a moment, the two of you just stared at one another, smiling and content. After, you sat back in your seat and laughed, quirking an eyebrow at her as you poked her, “And also?”

She frowned and quirked her head, “I... love you?”

You smiled jokingly, “I was thinking more along the lines of ‘I’m sorry for being an asshole and I will never kick you out of our bedroom again a-”

As she realised where you were going she let out a small chuckle and nodded, placing her hand back on your thigh, “Okay, okay, I may have been jealous and grumpy when I thought you were dating Sonnett.”

Your eyes widened at the new information and you turned to her in shock, “Wait, Sonnett! You thought I was-”

“Stop, it’s not funny.” She lightly pushed you, covering her blush with her hands.

You tried to stop laughing but failed, accidentally letting out a few chuckled as you shook your head and turned on the car’s ignition, “I am never letting you forget that.”

“You told each other that you loved each other!” Alex protested, putting on her seatbelt but keeping slightly turned towards you in her seat.

“Like friends!” You explained, looking over your shoulder as you reversed out of the parking space and started the short journey home.

Alex paused for a moment as you drove before sitting up in her seat and pointing at you, “She said you had things to talk about and winked at you.” Alex tried to convince you of her point of view, her argument becoming weaker as she went along.

You laughed, “The thing we had to talk about was me being in love with you.”

“Oh.” She stopped, looking somewhere between wholly embarrassed and wholly in love with you.

“Em’s going to love this.” You mumbled, making a mental note to tell her during your next facetime tomorrow. You indicated into your road and pulled up outside your apartment building.

“No, you cannot tell her.” Alex swatted at your shoulder, slight panic in her voice, which only served to make you laugh at the situation.

You took off your seatbelt and shook your head, “Oh, I’m definitely going to tell her.”

“Y/N...” Alex whined slightly, sending you her infamous puppy dog eyes. You went to joke with her but before you could say anything, Alex had leant across to you again and, as she held your chin, she kissed your cheek a few times before turning you to face her and pecking your lips a few times.

Just like that you were putty in her hands, Sonnett who...? If she would kiss you everytime she wanted something then you were going to be in trouble in this relationship.

“Shall we head in?” You asked her, nodding to your front door. “I can run you a bath if you’d like?”

“Yes please, I’m exhausted,” Alex hummed, “It’s your turn to cook tonight.”

“All we have in the apartment at the moment is pasta and wine.”

“Sounds romantic.” You got out of the car and quickly ran round to open the car door for Alex too.

Giving her your hand to help her out and grabbing her bags, the two of you walked back to the place you’d been calling home. Alex unlocked the door and flopped on the sofa, reaching out for you as she lay there. You dropped her stuff by the door and walked over, kissing her temple, “Look at us, it only took the two of us moving to London to admit our feelings.”

“I reckon the whole one bed thing helped.” She smiled and you snorted, nodding, “Maybe we should stay here a bit longer.” She suggested as you stood in the kitchen, glancing at one another.

You took a deep breath in and nodded, “Sounds good to me.”