#i try not to get attached to youtubers anymore because of all of this. also i followed alot of blatant assholes at 13 why am i so shocked

[cyanonights]

please never idolize anyone.

itll break your heart if they end up making a mistake, and they will, theyre human after all.

and itll break your soul if they end up being a creep/abuser.

[sunnist4rs]

Blare White is super misogynistic… he also supports trump. You know the anti abortion, pro rape guy. I think you may be defining who you love/idolize and what you say you think based on who entertains you the most on social media/YouTube and your personal connections rather than really getting into WHY each view is right or wrong factually/ethically, and aiming to be consistent. To be clear I myself am a radfem and (within that) critical of gender ideology I am not trying to convince you to not criticize gender ideology or to not criticize specific trans identified people. Yes: some people Blaire white and that kind of guy opposes are also fucked up people who do harm. But the enemy of an enemy does not alone make a friend and I encourage you to look with a more critical eye at anyone aligned right wing and against women, whether they are novelties or famous on YouTube or whatever else or not

Among other things remember Blaire white is just a man who calls self woman but hates the other men who call themselves women. His critique of them is typically either copied (without him really understanding) from feminist women, or at other times basically rooted in him saying those other trans women are ugly or don’t pass or haven’t done [insert random shit] “Blaire” thinks makes him a real woman and these other trans women into pretenders. It’s just an egotistical man getting attention and money off of this while still claiming he’s a woman and doing so for sexist (“I pass as feminine so that makes me a woman” = sexist) reasons. This issue that is actually impacting women and girls (a category that doesn’t include him)

Thanks for sending me this ask (and being so civil about it). Before I joined the radfem community (and when I wrote my bio) I was pretty conservative but the more evidence of woman’s oppression I’ve seen, the more leftist I’ve become. This has left me feeling kind of lost because the people like Blair White who I used to turn to for comfort on bad days and to hear what I thought were reasonable political opinions no longer click with me. I don’t resonate with her (I’m gonna use she/her even though I’m he’s a dude because I do have that personal attachment right now so it just feels right) beliefs anymore but distancing myself from her feels wrong because she’s been a part of my life for a while, y’know.

I don’t watch YouTube much so I haven’t seen one of her videos since I became a radfem. But, I do remember how my old community used to act so Ik if I did watch another video of hers I’d be disgusted and disappointed by her behaviour (I almost want to avoid watching her at all so that I can keep pretending I align with her side- also I’m aware this is pretty parasocial, I’ll work on that). While I’ve become more aware of this I’ve continued to defend and preach how good her content is as a way of pretending I do still like her to myself. I knew I was doing this but I didn’t really think about it until now.

I’m pretty good at thinking critically about the media I consume, it’s just something I’ve always done when discovering something new to enjoy. But I think Ive developed a blind spot for people I previously loved as while I agreed with them in the past. Now however, me promoting their ideology is hypocritical at best. I’ve been practicing separatism (that’s not the word I want to use Ik it) more and more in my daily life. I now realise the next step I need to take is starting to distance myself from these people as they’re making me into someone I don’t want to be (hypocrites are one of my biggest red flags).

Thanks again for the ask as it’s genuinely helped me uncover a therapeutic break through lol. Whether or not that was your intent it’s definitely gonna help me be a better feminist and improve my life so thanks.

[ink-flavored]

Song Pic Saying Tag Game

Thank you to @vacantgodling for tagging me!

Rules: Pick an OC and post a song you relate to them, an image that represents them in some way (aesthetic, picrew, art, etc), and a quote of dialogue or narration from them. Totally feel free to expand and explain!

This got long so I'll do the tagging right up front: @duelistkingdom @liv-is @hallwriteblr @mjjune @zeenimf and anyone else who wants to!

I have the perfect combo for this in the form of Justice, everyone's favorite emotionally conflicted angel

Song

For non-Spotify users, here is a Youtube link to Songbirds by Ben Thornewill, and just the lyrics if you don't feel like listening to audio.

I picked this song for Justice because throughout the story he struggles with his perfectionism, a sort of "holy imposter syndrome" (i.e. not being good enough of an angel), and a crisis of faith once Heaven has made clear he's no longer welcome. He's still loyal to God, he wants to continue being an angel and do what he's been created for (serving humanity and being a literal embodiment of justice), but now he's been told he doesn't belong. And on Earth, he's the "songbird in the city air" as mentioned in the song. He feels like he's never going to "make it" -- never be good enough to get in Heaven's good graces again. He has a stubborn sense of morality and refuses to compromise on his ideals, which is exactly the thing they rejected in him. He starts to realize... maybe they were right. He doesn't belong. Obviously that's a bit of a downer for him.

When it comes to "playing the part," he still acts the part of an angel even though he's as close to being a fallen angel as he can be while keeping his wings attached. Being able to literal sense human pain and suffering, he is programmed by God to help every person on the street no matter what. And despite doing this, he doesn't really get the sense he's actually materially helping, at all. No matter how many problems he solves, there's never a dip in the grand scheme of things. He cares so deeply that it hurts, and despite his estrangement from Heaven, he's more than willing to bend over backwards for humanity, doing whatever anyone needs. To his own detriment, sometimes.

In a way, he doesn't really belong anywhere anymore. Not in Heaven, not in Hell, not on Earth. He's in a perfect in-between, everywhere he goes. Like a bird in the city.

Pic

This art was a commission from @auroblaze and also directly inspired by the song above!

We can get the obvious symbolism out of the way right now - Justice, large wings, sitting and watching some birds, who are flying merrily into the sky. Free to go wherever they please, while Justice can't. He's kept all the holy signifiers, his wings and halo, but is unable to use them the way he wants to. He's up high, closer to Heaven, but will never be able to reach as high as the birds can.

Also please take note of the grandma sweater. That has nothing to do with this symbolism, but it is a very important part of his character.

Saying

Okay so. Most of these thoughts are in my head instead of on the page, but there is ONE I can use.

Context: Justice invites Pride to a church event and when they get home, they have this conversation.

“I know, I guess I…” Justice leaned against the wall, brow furrowed. “I was trying to prove something to myself.” “Like what?” He didn’t answer right away, picking at his nails. “I know you don’t want a relationship with God,” he said, slow and deliberate, “and that’s fine. I would never ask you to. But I don’t think that means you have to be abandoned by me—by us. We can still get along, we don’t have to be separate to coexist. Does that make sense?”

Justice is both trying to prove to himself that Pride's demon status doesn't preclude him being able to hang out with humans (and at least one angel) in a civil way, and in turn that the eternally suffering that God prescribes for sinners to be illegitimate. Justice, deeply faithful even after being thrown out by Heaven, feels like it's wrong for him to be cast out, but for his many thousands of years of life, he's been told demons deserve it. If that's wrong too... maybe all of it's wrong.

And also he invited Pride because Justice liiiiikes himmmmmm~~~~

[kisskisskys]

Hey, hope you’re doing better… time will make things better, believe me. Just here to give some advice ig, I don’t if it’ll be useful or not, but here I go.

First of all, you are not a bad person. You couldn’t know he was an abuser at all, none of us could… Even if there were signs or not; abusers tend to be good at hiding them… Also we never really know a content creator/celebrity/influencer/etc. We just don’t. The person who they show us can be just a part of them or a completely made up “show” persona. So, it’s not your fault for not knowing and admiring/loving him while you didn’t know. You did nothing wrong at all.

Now that you know, you can do smth abt it. If you want you can give away stuff you have of him (like merch) or use it in privately (as to not show any more support for him). Please don’t burn stuff or throw it away in the trash just to make a point; it really helps no one, you’ve already payed for it, you can’t take the money back, so better give it another use—reuse, reduce and recycle pretty much.

This will be controversial, but you aren’t a bad person for liking something that was made by a bad person. I know this is the “separate the art from the artist” conversation… but just here me out: sometimes I think it’s really not the sin everyone is making it out to be, as long as you try not to support the “artist” (content creator and his music in this case) any longer and acknowledge that the artist is bad, I think you are okay.

You aren’t tainted, bad or somehow it means you are an apologist. It really doesn’t. Just be cautious with it; not saying this like in a “hide that you like him so ppl don’t realize you like him and so /know/ or think you are bad person”, but more in the “some people might be triggered by him and because of what was reveled it’s probably best to try not to support him anymore”.

Support always meaning giving him more money, expanding his voice, introducing more ppl to him and his music, etc.

That said. You can still listen to his music if you want. Again, it’s not a sin or reflection of who you are; it doesn’t make you bad by association or bad at all. Just try to listen it in other ways to not give him any more money or any more of a platform.

You could listen to his music on ytb, many channels have uploaded his stuff and since they are not official acc’s I don’t think he gets any money from it. You could download his music and listen to it outside Spotify or whatever; you can do so from ytb with YouTube Convertors :) You could also listen him from SoundCloud, just make sure the /file/ you listening wasn’t uploaded by the official band (if they even have a SoundCloud acc?).

I wanna add. Just like this could be a “separate the art from the artist” conversation, ig it could also be a “death of the author” one. You are free to take whatever you want from his art, it is yours now and having that doesn’t make you bad because he is bad. Doesn’t really work like that.

Lastly I guess, it takes time to grow out of an attachment to someone. So please give yourself time, be kind to yourself… It will happen eventually, believe me.

In the meanwhile, specially if you feel too guilty about listening to him or watching his content, you can look for alternatives. There’s plenty of recommendations going around rn, both for similar music and streamers to listen/watch instead; so you could look into those. Yk what they say: nothing like a new hyperfixation to replace another B) haha Idk if anyone has ever said that but sometimes it works like that.

Hope you feel better soon. I do. Hope you get to forgive yourself if you need to? I don’t think you did anything bad, but sometimes we feel like we did regardless… so I hope you found forgiveness if you need it. Remember to be kind to yourself and give it time.

Best of luck. Sending good vibes to you too 🌟✨💫🌸🌻🌱

Thanks so much Anon, that is actually really helpful advice. Luckily, I have other content creators, it’s just hard to go from being obsessed and worshipping him to crying in bed because he is a bad person. I don’t have any merch, but I wanted the records for record day, but I kinda didn’t think it was a good idea anymore… At first, I was trying to distance myself, ignore it cause it hurt to much to think. What I was doing yesterday was keeping myself constantly busy so I didn’t get the chance to think at all. Now I’m kinda accepting it and a little step forward I’ve seen myself take is instead ignoring videos bashing Wilbur on TikTok, I watch them and not avoid them. It’s baby steps but it’s something. I used to use YCGMA to fall asleep, but stopped two nights ago coincidentally, I haven’t dreamed, or haven’t had as vivid of dreams that I’m used to. I basically conditioned myself to be obsessed with him, and not I need unconditioned myself.

[starified-lizzy]

I figured I should redo my intro to my blog-

ELLO >:DDDD

Name’s Lizzy! Or Star! I really don’t give a fuck which you use!

Here’s my pronouns card! https://en.pronouns.page/@starified_lizzy

I draw shit for FANDOMS

I write shit for FANDOMS

I got OCS whom I LOVE and ADORE.

“Can I draw fanart of your fics?” My sibling in Christ, we are married. /pos

“Can I draw fanart of your fanart(like DTIYS)?” My sibling in Christ. /pos

“Can I draw fanart of your OCs?” CHRIST. /pos

RAHHHHHH (it’s really fucking early I shouldn’t be doing this now ;-;)

Here’s a list of my socials, it is very limited because I hate the “standard” socials like Twitter and Insta and stuff like that. So it’s more like- fanfic sites, and any other blogs I own for you guys to check out >.>

My AO3

My Art Fight

My YouTube

My TikTok (basically dead at this point, I only ever like/favorite things on it, but I might start up again with my FNF au instead)

My Pinterest

My Spotify because sure

My FNF au blog

My demonpocalypse blog ([possibly] forever retired due to a severe issue in the community it was for)

Blog for food/recipes I want to try because MMMMMMMMMMM FOOOOD

Wow that’s actually not limited like I thought- hot damn I need to touch some grass.

HERES A LIST OF FANDOMS IM EITHER CURRENTLY IN, OR HAVE RETIRED FROM (Also CCs):

Retired-

DSMP (and MCYT as a whole for the most part), dude our community is in *shambles*. I’m so glad I left when I did, but at the same time O W.

ATLA. Technically I’m still in this fandom, but I only really get back into it/brainrot about it if I get a reminder, otherwise I kinda forget about it

FNAF. Same with ATLA, still technically in it, but I gotta be reminded it exists sometimes.

BATIM. Ditto

Wings of Fire. Ditto

Undertale. Ditto. Lizzy, my main persona, was actually an OC created from Undertale, who just ended up becoming her own person, and then ended up being associated with mine and my friend’s Minecraft au instead.

Onto CCs I no longer watch:

Any of the DSMP ppl, with very few exceptions

Jacksepticeye. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still watch a video of his if it pops up and spikes my interest, but I don’t actively seek his content out anymore.

Any of the old Minecrafters. Like DanTDM, Stampy, Tiny Turtle & Little Lizard. Hell, I don’t even think any of the ones I listed even do YT at all anymore. I’ll still watch their old videos tho.

Current-

FNF. I really could give less of a fuck if y’all think it’s “bad” or “for kids (it’s not, I promise you)”. The music slaps, and quite a few mods are really well made, so eat my ass.

Day of Dragons. The dragons are cool. I don’t care about any drama in the community. I’m here for the cool fucking dragons.

The Isle. Once again, I don’t care about any drama in the community. I’m here for the cool ass dinosaurs because you can customize your own skins and they just look and sound cool (Dilo, Herarra, and Ptera are my faves)

Lethal Company. Do it for the Company.

RainWorld. Scugs and Scups. Need I say more?

Hollow Knight. Sorta falling out of this one, but until I beat the entire game (P5) I am not finished.

Minecraft. Technically in “the fandom”, but not really attached to a specific YTer or anything like that anymore. I just like the game.

CCs I still watch:

Astral Spiff. Sprog is a good gamer.

Smii7y and his friends like Grizzy, Droid, Puffer, Blarg, etc.

Jack Manifold. I only watch his You Laugh You Loose and Ghost Sighting Compilation videos. I don’t even know if he still does Minecraft anymore.

8-BitRyan. While he doesn’t swear in his videos, it’s kinda a breath of fresh air. Plus his edits are quite funny.

Markiplier. Yes. Just… yes…

IGP. His content is just interesting. The way he freaks out over shit is funny as hell. Does he do content with IcyCaress anymore? Their banter was funny, but idk if something happened, cuz I just don’t see much stuff with Icy in it anymore.

As of right now, that’s all I can think of. It’s nice to meet you!

[ei-mugi]

i have this incredibly specific headcanon that aira had a phase where he went super hard into being a trans Woman but detransitioned after like a couple months, and is now gnc.

like not too long after he becomes an idol hes struggling a lot with his blossoming sense of adolescent identity and clear insecurity-complex, and of course he's in Ensemble Square which is full of gay people, and he's online a lot too in queer twitter communities and it kinda all accumulates into him thinking, MAYBE I AM A WOMAN? so he tries it.

but he has this very narrow and specific idea of what it means to Be Transgender, and to Be a Transwoman by extension, so he just throws himself in the deep end and goes full social & clothing transition immediately. tatsumi and mayoi are supportive (tatsumi is an Ally and mayoi is genderqueer in some form) and this is probably hiiro's first introduction to it but he doesnt care either and is enthusiastically supportive. pretty much everyone he knows is on board with it (except subaru and hokuto are weird about it probably but who cares about them). the Pretty 5 are overjoyed and help by taking him shopping, Arashi especially.

but while aira has an initial euphoric burst of freedom by doing this he very quickly feels very WRONG. but hes fucking committed to it now and like he knows hes not a dude, right?, and he doesnt want to be NonBinary (which is a single third gender identity and not an umbrella term at all, as everyone knows /s). and like, he does like wearing skirts sometimes, and long socks are cute. and he was already kinda feminine, he is ALKALOID's Cute One. so he's probably just not feeling anything at all and he isn't going to address it.

but arashi can fucking tell something is off and tries talking to him. he deflects and denies everything and at someone else bringing it up he only doubles down.

he is wearing FEMALE MAKEUP now! he is looking at tutorials on youtube on how to apply makeup just-so, so he can look like the Cis-Like and Conforming Trans Woman he is. and he is OWNING IT, he is a Girlboss and is now making Activist Twitter Posts talking about his transfem (because that isn't its own thing, either, it's just a synonym for trans Woman! also /s) experience which he is now suddenly an expert on.

and he is fucking miserable just having trapped himself into another stupid binary and now eichi is accounting for this in StarPro's marketing or whatever and now all of ALKALOID's fans are getting it into their heads about being special trans allies and all these things are happening and and and and.

mika tentatively comes up to him one day. he says that hes too nervous to go to pretty 5 or arashi about it, as irrational as it is considering it's fucking arashi, but he just wants aira's help to like, try on some skirts or something like he sees aira doing. no strings attached it doesnt mean anything, just to try.

aira is trying not to have a meltdown in the store while he waits for mika in the changing room. writing twitter posts with hands sweatier than they are after a live is one thing but having to physically be there and act as this ideal image of THE Trans Woman feels like he's standing there waiting for an axe to swing at his fucking head and that it's going to happen any second now. he gets these chills all down his back like some creepypasta character is about to get him. (he's still scared of the creepypastas).

mika says that he thinks the skirt is cute on him, but that he doesn't think he likes it. he says he doesn't know. he says that he doesn't like how it impedes on his masculinity.

"isn't that the point, though? you wanted to be a girl?" aira asks, hair actually wet with how much he's sweating.

"no... nyaghhhg, i don't wanna be a girl. i didn't think just putting it on would make me one, but if it does then i don't wanna wear it anymore."

aira thinks that is a weird fucking thing to say because of course if you're trying on skirts and trying to be feminine it means you're trying to be a transgirl, and he also thinks that if he has to hear mika talk for a second longer he's going to explode from fucking anger. he doesn't think to question why he's so angry, but he says something snappy at mika and it makes mika give up so it all works out and he can go home.

hiiro can tell aira isn't doing well but hiiro can go fuck himself for all aira cares. aira can't even practice anymore, he's just getting angrier and angrier with each day.

eventually he tears off all his clothes in a rage and throws out all his makeup, even the ones he'd been using before his transition. rei comes into their dorm and is alarmed to find aira burning a pile of clothes in the middle of the room. he's attempted to protect the carpet by putting it on top of cardboard. rei has to use the fire extinguisher.

after aira's calmed down a bit rei laughs out of nowhere. aira asks him what. rei says that he thinks aira is the first amab trans guy he's met. aira says he's had enough of all these fucking labels. rei asks if he wants him to inform eichi for him, in regards to the marketing. aira says yeah, thank you...

with touch of feather, aira grows more comfortable in his own skin.

sometime later, mika nervously announces to the pretty 5 that he's genderqueer. arashi helps him come out, and the rest express their support. tori says welcome to the club. (aira wonders how he didn't already know this about tori.)

"in what way?" aira asks mika after congratulating him.

"errr..." mika looks confused for a moment before realisation dawns on his face. "oh. nah, just genderqueer. i don't like all those expectations 'n all that. i just wanna do whatever feels right. that's what humans are, ain't it? just a lotta nonsense feelings."

"oh," says aira.

in retrospect, aira supposes that arashi isn't completely gender conforming and hyper-feminine either. and later, after he and hiiro get together (finally), he asks hiiro if he was still interested in him while he was trans. hiiro says yeah, he doesn't see why that would affect it, and really he was worried about him more than anything else. before aira can make some inquiry about his hometown, hiiro continues that he's been talking a lot to the other idols, so he knows a bit about the city's queer labels (and the variance & nuance in identity) now, and that he's bisexual --- well, he doesn't really like calling himself the labels very much, but that it's the best way to communicate it. aira says huh. he wasn't really expecting to hear that from him.

i think after all that aira would be comfortable just being gnc occasionally, and not worry too hard about being a Boy or a Girl.

[foxgirltail]

I like shitting on tears of the kingdom. I'm gonna do that some more. I'm not gonna touch the garbage fire of a story because that's a whole other essay, this is just from a gameplay perspective.

This is also based off of patch 1.1.0, because I haven't touched any of the later ones

Reader bereader you're in for a sceader I guess:

Starting off kinda funny we have: I have seen a YouTuber who largely did botw based videos (challenge runs and documenting glitches) dip their toe into totk, doing a playthrough and a couple videos in that. And then going back to making botw videos. Incredibly funny

Next off we have: changes I think Nintendo made specifically to spite returning players, speed runners, and glitch hunters (most of the glitches "patched out" were not things people were going to encounter in regular playthrough anyway. I say "patched out" because seemingly rather than tweaking the physics engine to prevent them, they removed the mechanic enabling them)

Armor upgrade costs: the amount of materials and cost of upgrading them is significantly higher in totk, while the amount of rupees and materials gained has not increased. This feels like a buffer to keep people playing longer to 100% the game, rather than anything purposeful

Whistle sprinting (and, I believe, other stamina regen techniques like spamming B while climbing) removal: while technically a glitch that could be patched out, it really only made traversal a little faster, so it seemed unnecessary. Also the game punishes you for trying it by having a steeper stamina cost AND slower run speed at the start of the animation, so attempting to whistle sprint will make you slower and use stamina faster than just regular sprinting

Removing cryonis: people used cryonis and bullet time to get places they couldn't, so they removed it. Water traversal is slightly easier in totk anyway, with the ability to make a boat wherever you want, but more than once during my playthrough I found myself wishing for it

Changing magnesis to ultrahand: while technically a direct upgrade, the animation and appearance have changed in such a way to prevent a handful of glitches from occurring

Removing remote bombs: ok this one feels the most egregious of the runes to me. While it's true you can pick up bombs just on the ground now it's not the same. For nonglitch reasons I found myself wanting remote bombs quite regularly. The only reason I think this was removed was because of wind bombing, which is silly

All in all, I found the changes in powers somewhat lacking. Fuse can't be done in the inventory, ascend is kinda finicky, and ultra hand has a new currency system

mini game changes: I think the overall number of minigames was reduced, the value of their rewards were reduced, and the notable ones that I know were removed were attached to baseline glitches (aka glitches that make other glitches possible)

I also think the changes to sage/champion powers are bad from a gameplay perspective:

Surrounding yourself with water and splashing water for a single water attack was hardly useful. There's a single boss fight where it's necessary and I guess you can do elden easier with it, but there's already fire suppressants in game. I'd rather have a free heal periodically

The fire charge is. Eh? It's nice for clearing rocks (since you don't have unlimited bombs anymore), but otherwise not super helpful outside of the requisite bossfights

The lightning blast is. Well it's a direct downgrade from botw's. The area of damage is smaller, you have to wait for Riju to charge it up right, and you have to shoot an arrow near or at the target for it to hit (costing an arrow and a bow durability point). Vs just charging up a normal attack and having it hit in an area around you

Tulin's wind blast is good. I'd prefer if on ground you could have it go vertical as well though (but vertical wind can be used in certain glitches, so that had to go)

Mineru's robot form is kinda cool from a mechanical standpoint, but not very fun to control or do combat in

Also utilizing the sages abilities is. Bad. Because you have to be standing next to them to activate it and they're always running around in combat, making it hard to intentionally activate it. and activating an ability supercedes stuff like picking up items and other interactions, making it easy to unintentionally activate it. 2/10 make it a whistle menu or something instead

Damage numbers being hidden or outright lying:

The master sword does not list its damage (base or fused, though it does show the +fused damage). This is the only weapon in the game to not show the base damage value [it follows the same rules as botw by the way, 30 by default, 60 under certain conditions]

The damage number of spears and two handed weapons do not match their actual damage output. The (unaltered) display value of spears is 33% more than the actual (unaltered) damage (rounded up to seem higher). The (unaltered) display value of two handed weapons is 5% less than the actual (unaltered) damage (rounded down to seem lower). The way this affects modifiers and fuse damage is even more complicated. This change appears to be to incentivize spear usage and disincentivize two handed weapons (in botw two handed weapons were greatly favored over one handed weapons and spears, in that order), but I think it's a bad decision to try and appear transparent about the damage you're dealing, while also lying about it

The champions tunic ability to see health bars was removed, further obfuscating how much damage is being dealt. I assume this was done so that it takes longer for people to notice (and then complain) about the lying numbers and the master sword numbers

Also the elemental damage outfit abilities are kinda silly. Doing ice damage only when it's snowy out seems rather pointless when you're most often fighting ice-based enemies in those conditions. Fire is similar. Lightning gets a pass because it can thunderstorm most other places, and those enemies aren't always going to be lightning based

I think totk did a lot of things well, and I enjoyed my playthrough of it. There were also a lot of things that frustrated me! But it feels like some things were changed specifically to spite a certain category of player, while making the experience worse for everyone else

I'll probably add more to this when I remember other stuff lol

[colorfuldream]

Rare Miraculous post but YouTube is a cesspit of Adrien stans and I cannot stand it anymore

Like I was watching a video that aimed at analyzing the show as a whole and I got hit with a whole rant about how "Chat didn't know Ladybug's boundaries", "being persistent is a good thing (even if she said no)", "she's "flirting" with him so she's asking for him to keep hitting on her" (even though she's friendly and made it clear she wasn't into him), "he even had a whole new cute relationship" (he cheated on Kagami all the while and was using her to try to get over Ladybug but I guess it's cute)

Just because he's depressed and sheltered doesn't give him the right to do any of that and he should damn well know his behavior wasn't okay. Ffs, Kuro Neko isn't a cute episode, it's Adrien throwing yet ANOTHER temper tantrum and had a whole cheating allegory when... She was trying to rely on people to fight a literal terrorist? It's every problem with Chat Noir compiled in one episode.

Oh and don't get me started on the double standards between Marinette and Adrien. He can't be the butt of the joke (despite Chat being the "jokester") and him sacrificing himself almost every fight is the writers hating him (lmao) and not a part of his character (even though it aligns with everything we know about him and has consequences, namely Ladybug relying on other heroes who will be useful in a fight). But Marinette's (unfunny) gags are 100% serious and indicating of her character. The over-the-top teenage girl in love antics (common in old shojos which were the inspiration even though they do suck) are her being a crazy stalker. (And to be fair to her, it's more of a weird celebrity crush). (Also the person claimed that one of her friends should intervene which is true but they also claimed they were bystanders when her friends have actively encouraged her to pursue Adrien, pushed them together even when Marinette was trying to move on, and generally participated in her bullshit. Have we watched the same show?!) Marinette being friendly with people she meet and her classmates? Mary Sue, the show is forcing everyone to love her... Even though it's normal friendliness between people and her classmates hate her at the drop of a hat. Of course, Adrien staying friends with Chloé even after he's witnessed her bullying anyone in her sight is because he was isolated and attached to her and not him showing he was passive and naive to the point of stupidity (to be fair again, it would be good flaws especially with how he can't lead/take charge and how sheltered he is if only the show had decent writing). And so on, and so on.

I mean... I'm not calling it internalized misogyny but... Come on.

At first, I was going to keep listening but around the end of the Adrien section, I just couldn't. Who actually writes down something along the lines of "she was touching him, smiling at him, retorting with one liners so she was reciprocating to his advances", read it out, edit footage over it and not realize how victim-blamy it is??

I'm not saying Marinette doesn't have flaws of course. But holy shit. I just want someone who can see both characters for what they are: old problematic tropes that shouldn't be in shows anymore. And while the writing hates both just as much, it has a trend of hating teenage girls and Marinette suffers so much bullshit it's obvious the writers have a bias against her. (+It's obvious from Astruc's Twitter that he loves Adrien and he's stated that Adrien has no flaws while the show revolves around Marinette's mistakes which explains why she's blames for everything even when it's not her fault!)

[soullikethesea]

I feel sad. Saw T yesterday and it went better than it did last time. I could tell she was really trying and she seemed open to connection. She also asked about parts and that felt nice, because sometimes many sessions go by without ever talking about parts and it does make some of us feel unseen at times. (I know we should just bring it up ourselves in those cases).

T asked if I felt like therapy feels like a repetition of something (like earlier therapy). And yeah, in some ways. It does remind me of L and Old T, near the end, right before I stopped seeing them. I told T that we have gotten to know each other really well and now that seems to make it progressively harder for me.

It feels stuck. I get knots in my shoulders as I approach the terrain. Mentioned that, and then T asked a whole bunch about "what the knots would say if they could talk". Lol. The only thing I could imagine them saying was "go away". Not to T, I think, but to me. T proposed taking a walk, but I was scared of seeing other people outside. So then she said to just imagine taking a walk. I couldn't bring myself to follow her in imagining, unfortunately. I just had Wuss yelling at me inside.

Whenever I felt myself being pulled into emotions, getting upset, he yelled that it's bullshit and that I need to snap out of it. The fear of getting upset for like three days again, losing precious energy I need to cope with work.

T also asked if I was upset with her, but I just can't find the words! I just don't know. Am I upset with her? Maybe??? But why???? And is it not just me being horrible and ruining everything? T said she wondered if it was "attachment stuff", and yeah, probably, who knows... She said that I could imagine a perfect session with a perfect therapist and then we would know what to do. I kind of snapped at her that she still expects *me* to know everything, but I actually don't. I think it would be something like a T proposing some exercises and guiding me through it by giving options.

It's probably transference or just me being stupid, but I do think I need more structure. And yes, this feels like being back at Old T and how she came to telling me that she can't help me.

The T I have now is a bit more solid, but yeah, maybe I'm already driving her towards that as well.

I just feel so overwhelmed and I want the world to make sense and not to lead my own therapy. I already lead so much while I'm teaching. And man, I feel so freaking lonely.

I'm holding on at work, but I'm sacrificing my ability to connect.

Wuss kind of blocks all possible therapy work as well. He says that it's bullshit to focus on the past, because it's over and it's just a pity party to think about it. He says that about any and all emotions, basically. It's wearing me down. It's true, I don't want to think about the past anymore. It feels too heavy. But I also want to live a life that has a certain quality of life to it. Being all alone and not even in touch with myself hurts that QoL.

I sent T an analysis video of the 8 Passengers case on Youtube. It reminds me so much of how my dad and stepmum were, their mindset. I hope it shows how you get an overcontrolled child. But it also feels so pointless to share. Who even cares, why should it matter what happened. I've thought about it for 10 years and I'm still struggling.

I wish I could go back to some inner softness and some connection. I'll take connection with T if that's all that's available. I just can't seem to handle it. Even breathing in therapy scares me.

[reel-fear]

honest to god the whole lackadaisy viv situation has just proved to me viv has not changed a bit [that was already kinda proven since she still thinks its okay to use slurs and bigotry as comedy in her shows despite her history with them, we're all supposed to ignore that bc now she labelled it a "Joke" and slapped a red filter on her shitty designs and said they're "in hell so they're bad people"]

Like, having her donation rejected should've been, obvious to her, why is nobody bringing up that by donating 5000 dollar SPECIFICALLY GETS YOU THIS:

What Viv did was not a selfless kind donation, she wanted something out of it, specifically to be able to slap her name on this project. And Viv [no matter what your opinion of her is, if you think she's changed or not] is a controversial figure! Having her name attached to anything brings controversy! No matter how you try to paint it, this is entirely within the Lackadaisy's team right to deny!

Not to mention Viv has had a history of mistreating her artists, drawing fanart of transphobic youtubers, one who did blackface, made an AWFUL apology for all the horrific stuff she did and despite the fact she has """"""""Changed"""""""" can't handle people not wanting her name on their projects because she HASN'T CHANGED.

When you grow to become a better person and move on from your past bad actions, part of that process HAS to be realizing some people just aren't gonna be comfortable being around you because of your history! You have to be able to accept that, respect it and understand that! You fucked up and some people don't want to be around you anymore!

But Viv doesn't actually think any of her past actions were that bad, she's still defensive over her history and she CANNOT handle the most professional of rejections. The fact the lackadaisy team clarified the viv situation was PERSONAL, further shows how awful viv is for tweeting about it, BECAUSE SHE MADE SOMETHING THE LACKADAISY TEAM DIDNT WANT TO TALK ABOUT PUBLIC PURELY FOR THE REASON OF GETTING HER RABID FANBASE TO HOUND THEM ABOUT WHY THEY REJECTED THEIR QUEEN.

And now we're all supposed to be distracted by some transphobic tweets one of the lackadaisy team members [of which there are very, very many] liked on twitter forever ago and ignore the fact that person was ALSO the one who was slightly mean to the woman who hates just about every minority on the planet whose fanbase loves to rapidly try to tear down [Viv].

Viv's fans just really REALLY care about transphobia, that's why the same person they ALREADY HATED bc they said smth mean to their GODDESS, just so happened to be the one who, [with enough harassment and scrubbing] they found a reason to hate. How kind of them to bring this to our attention, truly they are acting so selflessly while they deny the screenshots of Viv being transphobic with foaming mouths. But the person who was slightly mean to their queen? Oh they're transphobic, we know bc viv's fans instantly went into stalker mode but now it's okay to stalk them bc we found a good reason to right? =] the ends justify the means.

if ur a fan of viv or her work, I don't mean this lightly.

Get the fuck away from me or die. Either works.

Sincerely, a trans person <3

[bots-and-cons]

Stressed, tired and dealing with grief

I know the title probably makes it sound worse than it actually is, but I just need to vent, because I've had a bit of a rough week. I'll try to post something tomorrow, because I don't like leaving the blog alone for this long. Also I can deal with crap by writing so it's a win-win I guess. The stuff below might be a bit of a ramble, but eeeh

Venting starts here btw

There has been a lot going on during the past week and being at my mom's and looking after my little sister really drained me, because I didn't get a single minute alone for six days, aside from sleeping and I didn't do much of that either. My social battery is already nonexistent to begin with and then you add to that no sleep, it's not a good combination. I'm probably not going to my mom's for a couple of weeks, since I can't really deal with my two youngest siblings until I recharge.

On other news, my grandma on my dad's side died a couple of years back in June, and her husband, my grandpa is in a nursing home. I don't visit him much, because I can't really handle it well. He doesn't remember any of us anymore, not even my dad, and it's just way too much for me to handle most of the time.

Anyway, today we went to clean out their old house and it was pretty hard. I didn't really realize it right then, but now that I'm getting tired and have stopped for the day, it's kind of hitting me. We found so many old things that I played with when I was a kid, clothes that I remember my grandma wearing, actual physical photographs were stuffed into every cabinet and corner, and I found all kinds of stuff. I didn't really stop to look at them though, I couldn't really handle it. I looked at one photo for a while, my grandma smiling, wearing that blue flower dress that she liked. That's how I'd like to remember her though, smiling. I know she loved me, even though I didn't hear it for a long time before she died, because she stopped talking. I'll always love her and even though the grief raises its head occasionally, I'll get through it somehow.

Another thing that's been getting to me is the anniversary of Technoblade's death. He died last year at the very end of June. I don't normally get attached to youtubers or streamers, or people on the internet I don't personally interact with, but I guess in his case it was different. I started watching Technoblade when I was still pretty badly depressed, and he was a big source of fun and joy for me. He was one of my comfort youtubers and I still watch his old videos occasionally. I just watched a few old animations about him and hearing his voice literally made me cry.

There's a lot that's stressing me out right now and my grandma's death anniversary among other things just happened to trigger a bit of an emotional avalanche. I've been keeping all this crap in since the beginning of June and it's now all rising to the surface, because I'm tired and don't have the strength to keep it at bay anymore. Also me overburdening myself doesn't help this situation at all, so I'll probably sort of refrain from most social contacts next week and try to take it easy. I'll make some good food, bake something for my birthday (12th of July) and maybe go get ice cream with my bff. I also have an appointment with my mental health counselor/nurse on Monday, so that's gonna help the situation a lot too.

Stay hydrated y'all and thanks if you read all this :D

[discoursedeity]

Disappointed, bored & hurt, the worst trifecta:

I don't care what anyone else thought if the movie, if you liked it, good for you, I am happy you were able to enjoy it. I am not going to argue with you and tell you you're wrong for liking it and just being happy it actually got made because I don't want to ruin it for you. But I am going to say my piece regardless because I have been thinking about it all week and it is really bothering me and I want there to be helpful criticism out there for Scott Cawthon to pull from the fan base.

So I will start by saying that yes, I have been a fan since 2014 when Markiplier first uploaded his first video, and I have been watching countless YouTubers since then for it. Ranging from gamers who play the games, to theorists who disect them, and I cant even begin to count how many hours I have sunk into this franchise to watch all of those videos, so this isn't just someone coming in later and not getting it or something. Of course I caught things like Sparky the dog, and the Ella spring lock suit and thought "Oh my God, what a deep cut, how nice." But that in itself does not make a movie. Nor do the YouTuber appearances like MatPat being a waiter named Ness (as much as that moment was the highlight of the film) A movie needs to be written to make the audience CARE about it, it's world, it's characters. And this movie sadly just did not do that for any of the characters, be they human, ghost or animatronic.

Vanessa info dumping is a quick way to get the lore across, and yes fans already know the lore so I understand WHY things were done that way, but you should always SHOW not TELL. We fans would have loved to see it all unfold before our eyes, rather than just have some cop hang around for some reason to just spew lore out her mouth at us. We want to SEE the restaurant being established and built up, we want to see William spiral and finally decide to kill the kids, we want to see each conversation he had with each kid to get them to follow him, we want to see him kill them and put them in the suits, we want to see the kids ghosts adjusting to the suits and begin their rampage of killing guards.

That's Fnaf, that's what we are here for, the lore of the restaurant franchise, its history, its animatronics, that is all important for getting us invested, that and the mystery of it all since we like trying to solve things. So of course you don't have to show every single little thing lore wise, we do like to try to theorize and figure things out for ourselves when we are given enough pieces of the puzzle to do so, like if you are going to carry over that William also had 2 sons but you're planning to have them both be dead (one to Fredbear and one to Circus Baby) then you don't need to show us explicitly which one died first, but some things you really do need to layout for the audience to be able to feel invested in the movie. Again, like the characters, we have no reason to feel attached to Vanessa.

We don't know enough about her to care about whether or not she comes out of her coma. We have vague implications that William wasn't the best dad and that she has lasting trauma from that experience as his daughter, but we don't know what the trauma is or how severe her suffering was, so we can't truly empathize with her. Was she beaten by him? Or just yelled at or neglected? We don't know. And when building a character those sorts of things need to stated or at least hinted at more clearly to build intrigue and investment in the character. But they must be likeable as well, and non of the characters in the movie were relatable or likable enough. Mike was relatable, but his likability factor went out the window when he sold out his sister for a long dead brother that we also knew nothing about so we could care about him. The ghost kids weren't established enough as characters either, and while that may be because they have been there so long that they are not fully themselves anymore and you wanted to emphasize that it isn't really them just the negative emotions like anger and such that were left behind, it made it impossible for us to care about them beyond going "Oh dang, dead kids, poor things...Oh well, hey look at that animatronic." The only one who speaks is Golden Freddy's kid, and he was a brat.

On the topic of the animatronics, they were perhaps the biggest disappointment in the entire movie. It seemed like they were left as silent vessels for the kids both to try to make them scarier and fit the first game since they never talked in Fnaf 1, as well as to try to further emphasize the fact that this was about the ghost kids from the MCI situation. But it didn't work in either of those favors. The bots weren't scary, like the only time they had any level of intimidation factor was when Freddy stomped over to Mike when they were first introduced, and that was purely because of their size difference. The animatronics just came across as goofy. Like, how could they be threatening when they are so weak and slow that Bonnie and Freddy have to work together to lift one single little table? What makes them scary in the games is what they are capable of, how we see them move fast, how they are capable of intricate thought and planning, how they hide behind a friendly and calming facade but they are truly sinister and can outmatched any human in speed, strength and durability. But seeing the bots in the movie move so slow, barely be able to lift, go down so easily from one shot of a stun gun, it just takes any chance of them being perceived as an actual thing to fear away immediately. Not to mention the red and orange glowing eyes. It's like they are playing red light green light with their eyes and I could only laugh whenever I saw them. Where was was the iconic and chilling black with white pin pricks we all know and love? Those would have sent chills down any player's spine seeing them. The animtronics just looked so silly, and didn't have anything to backup their danger factor aside from killing some random break in thugs, 2 of which walked right into their own Demise so the bots didn't even have to work for it to show what they are capable of, (Freddy and Bonnie). And I get it, I know they were staged this way because the people in the suits probably can't see or move that well in them, and those physical limitations inhibit what can be done for the movie. But if that is the case, then why even bother making real suits and animatronics for this? If it is going to negatively impact the movie by posing such limitations, then don't waste the time or money on them, just use CGI. I would have preferred that even, since it would have allowed the animatronics to be as close as possible both look wise and feel wise to the game. As it is, Chica is the only one who perfectly matches how she looks in Fnaf 1. The boys all have slight color issues that keep them from being accurate adaptations. Really getting the creature shop to make them real was a mistake in every way except for the fact that it gives a chance for people to meet them irl at exhibits and stuff. But that isn't worth it if it requires shooting the movie in the foot. The animatronics should have been present more, they should have DONE more, they ARE Five Nights at Freddy's. We need them to be more involved, otherwise it feels less like a FNAF movie and more like the Fnaf bots making a cameo in some family drama movie.

Also, let's talk more about Mike and his whole dream thing. We got it the first time, we didn't need to see it over and over and over again. That was boring. Heck, the whole first 1/3 of the movie was just tedious and dull with all the setup and family drama, it felt like I was left waiting for the movie to actually start, like I was watching a required video before I could actually watch the movie. Yes, it was important to establish how down on his luck Mike was and why he needed a job and how this was his only option for work so he had to take it, even if it wasn't ideal. But the bots didn't even attack him until around night 3 or 4. So it was less about Mike coming back to the job despite the danger, and more about Mike just coming back despite it not working great with his schedule. And his backstop could have been established far faster and with less monotony. It took up so much of the run time that we could have spent better elsewhere, such as fleshing out William some more or on the animatronic side of things like I said earlier.

And God, William, oh William...He is just never going to be an actual threat again, is he? Like, odd enough to shift him from being British to just being American, but he was portrayed as so goofy as well in this movie. As Steve Raglan, I understand him being an upbeat and lighthearted guy, but when we are shown him in the suit, he should have had more buildup, there should have been more suspension and hype to make him FEEL like more of a threat. Him controlling the other animatronics should have also been shown, I don't care if it was him disguising himself as a friend via sound illusion disc's or some stereotypical remote control or what. But leaving it vague for anyone to see there to theorize about (or forcing them to read the books to understand) just takes any tension out of it by making it feel like a rushed cop out. His whole little speech about him creating disobedient monsters just felt sad and weird and out of place. And his delivery of his iconic line felt shoehorned in to be able to point at it and say "look, look, ah ha he said the thing" and was really just pathetically given, rather than it being more of a menacing and knowing promise. Plus, when we only know of 6 kills under his belt and all of them were children who couldn't fight back and we didn't even see how creepy and cunningly he lured those kids in to their deaths, we really have no frame of reference for what he is capable of and why we should fear him. Like, sure maybe he wasn't actually aiming to kill his own daughter, but if he shoved a big knife through her gut and she didn't even die and he actually WAS trying to kill her, then that's pretty sad. Makes him come across like a failure of a killer and more of a joke than anything. He couldn't even kill Mike for crying out loud, and Mike didn't have a gun like Vanessa did.

(Also, I suppose this is a nitpick, but why was he able to kick Mike in the suit without the spring locks going off? That was a hard jarring movement, and the foot meeting Mike was applying resistance, don't you normally have to be careful how you move and breathe in those things so as not to set them off? How can you harshly kick someone AND get tazed without it tripping the spring locks?)

I don't know, the whole thing just felt like it was relying on fans to just be satisfied with seeing Easter eggs, cameos, and feeling what superior or something for already knowing everything? I mean, the whole movie was so predictable, every single plot point of it, even Vanessa being his daughter wasn't a surprise to me or my friends that just went and saw it with. I've seen people say they went in with a Bingo sheet, and that is not a good thing at all. The run time was poorly allocated to the wrong points, and such important things like building the world of the Freddy's restaurant chains and its characters kind of got the screwed over. I watched this thing twice and hesitate to ever watch it again because my opinion of it already started out not so good with the first watch and fell to bad with the 2nd. I might actually cry if I try to watch it again. I don't like knowing I've waited years for this and hoped and prayed for the best, only to see red flags popping up when the trailers were released and then going in with low expectations telling nyself to ignore the warning bells in my head and actually seeing it, it's just so disappointing.

I love this franchise dearly, it's done so much good for so many good people. It gave so many people jobs as YouTubers who are a joy to see spread positivity and light in the world. Heck, the games also got some people to look at Chuck E Cheese in a new light and give it a visit. It's brought so many people together and inspired the next generation of game designers and story tellers. Nothing will ever shake me from its clutch, even back when Fnaf 3 came out and I felt disappointed I didn't give up on it, and that was back when it was still new enough that it didn't have a strangle hold on me yet. So of course I'm not going anywhere even if the Ruin DLC and movie were kind of a flops. I will still be here ready to go to the theater to give the 2nd movie a try when it comes out, I just hope that Scott and the crew learn from this and make better choices for the next one. Because I really want this series to be treated with the love and respect that it deserves.

Regardless of any complaints though, thanks to my fellow fans for being so devoted to the series as well and getting it past the Mario movie in terms of views for streaming, (the Mario movie was bad in its own way, mostly with Peach's...everything, and the voices of all the characters and stuff) so I'm glad to see it surpassed that shamless cash grab of a movie at something. And I am happy that the movie wasn't just abandoned after being in development purgatory for so long.

This again, was in no way meant to deter fans from enjoying it if they found something in it for them, keep enjoying it. If all you wanted was a cheesy movie that wasn't taken seriously and was intentionally bad, then all the power to you. But it truly is not for everyone. Hard core fans, casual fans, it doesn't matter, it truly comes down to what you were looking for in a movie. And I love Scott Cawthon and his dedication to the fans, but this really wasn't it and I know he can do better, so I darn sure will be voicing any complaints I have with the film to push him to push the movie crew to do better.

[oh-gee-no-way]

Rambling about Gerard and my gender identity

Please read this charitably if you can this is very stream of consciousness!

I have been recently wrestling with my attachment to the identities of those I feel affection for (parasocially). These thoughts have been sparked by an amazing TikTok creator (and Tumblr too hi if you see this!) who was recently talking about their choice to use she/her pronouns for Gerard Way and the negative response from transmasc people. As a transmasc person myself who normally uses he/they (though mostly they) and has been on the “Gerard is probably nonbinary but lets not assume” train in the past (though since the tour my thoughts around that have been changed I will talk more about that later) I immediately knew why (at least for me) I was attached to that line of thinking. There are two main reasons why I cling to the identities of those who I look up to. Number one: I am naturally defensive of those I view as being stereotyped based on presentation. I have spent a large amount of my life worrying about balancing expressing myself with still being able to socially flag enough that people will at least second guess themselves before calling me a girl and I want everyone to have that freedom of expression. That was the easy one so I put it first the second one is less so. Number Two: All my “masculine role models” end up transfemme. Now of course this wonderful for them but if the people you look up too as nontoxic masculine rolemondels all transition you start to worry about being transmasc at all. I have a hard time finding straight men who have a queer masculine quality to them besides some trans guys and not having any rep at all feels so lonely. Sometimes I find these people but the egg always cracks and then I can’t really count them as masculine role models anymore can I. This is obviously an emotional reaction and not a rational one. Of course I see who these people are I have always seen them. I can see gender from five miles away I just saw a bit of me in them too. People like Gerard or Kurt Cobain felt like men I could be and if they aren’t men then who am I? This is not just a thing with singers. YouTubers, tiktokers, actors, my real life friends etc many end up transitioning. It made me feel like I must just be a girl after all or that there was no way to be a guy in a way that was not awful or just a front. But then I realized that I think what I see in these people is just transness. When I was younger and went into queer spaces as a lesbian people would assume I was there because I was transfemme not a cis lesbian. (I felt oddly pleased with that but I didn’t unpack that till I was older) online people assumed I was transfemme, people I recently met also assumed this; however most importantly cis people never assumed this only trans people. Because even when I presented femininely I was trans and I guess people pick up on that. No matter the gender of the people I see myself in they are trans; because I am trans. And honestly the more flexible and fluid gender gets the better things go for me so I am trying to cast my parasociality aside and embrace the flags in front of me. When I saw Gee on stage this most recent tour they shined brighter than I have ever seen and the way they looked to me seemed really similar to the peace I feel when I am able to be myself. And when I scream cried to Mama I realized that the art that I get to enjoy comes from a queer place and I am glad to have so many amazing queer role models to look up too.

[nokingsonlyfooles]

There goes my confidence again...

So, am I a new version of Sadako that pops out of Patreon and YouTube comments, or do I actually have anything of worth to contribute?

Bleh. I should be posting some long, culturally relevant content today, but my anxiety's in a nosedive. This world eats artists, I see a lot of people who need help, and I want to help them. I want to offer real solutions and organize... But I'm an internet stranger with no social skills and "no legitimacy" as my blog banner says. I get to thinking when I dare talk loud enough to get anyone to look at me, they see me wrapped in a straitjacket and muttering about imaginary elves.

I got four basic modes online - and they do tend to creep into my behavior IRL too, but I'm a bit better at modulating when I get direct feedback. We got: I've perceived you have a higher social standing, which is generally perky, deferent, and fawning; I've perceived we're on about the same level, which has more humor and teasing, but also more visible depression and anxiety; I've perceived I have something you need, otherwise known as teacher-mode, but it can also include financial and emotional support; and I've perceived you're doing damage, which is everything I've learned from being a victim of emotional abuse wrapped up in a tortilla of sarcasm, with citations. It's difficult for me to do more than one of these at once, but I do try.

I have tried, recently, to tell a struggling, queer-friendly YouTube creator that I think I've done enough research to see why the algorithm is trying to kill them, and if they don't change how they organize things it will, but I may just be making them think, "Okay, I have picked up a new Patron and they are insane." I don't know when to just throw money, say something generic and encouraging and go away. If I hear someone yelling for help, I want to go above and beyond, and maybe establish enough of a relationship to go, "Hey, if you need anything, let me know." But, I don't know, maybe that's as weird and inappropriate as licking an animal at the petting zoo - yes, you're invited to touch them, but that's not what they're for.

I cut my teeth during Web 1.0 days, and it was a different time. We were all running around this weird new maze and waving "hi" at each other. That's how I met the guy I married. We weren't putting on masks of social availability to make you develop an attachment and click our content so we'd get enough money to live. Like, you were not going to get enough money to live, no way, so there was about as much incentive to be nice as IRL. Maybe a little less, because of the anonymity. If someone said "hi," they were open for more "hi," and maybe a little chat with AIM or ICQ. Then maybe you could be friends!

Now I'm falling into social situations with people who were in Pull-Ups or not even alive at that time, and I'm still in "hi" mode, even though it's gotten way more complicated and commercial. "Friendly" is something you NEED to do for clicks, comments and algorithm cred. And long-form message board discussions and instant personal messaging are not much of a thing anymore. Everyone's on Discord, putting on their best face for a roomful of people. I found a funny image, may I have some social capital? I made a snappy reply, may I have some social capital? I seem emotionally-available, may I have some social capital? Oh, you gave me a little heart! Is that to be nice or to be SEEN to be nice? Well, either way, I should be nice back at you...

But this is a parasocial relationship. We're not friends. Look, I'm up here and you're down there and there are a lot of you down there. I don't have time to like you. I need to act like I like you so you'll keep clicking, is all.

I'm not real fond of mutual exploitation. I mask enough as it is, and I get so tired. I don't like having to be one of a lot of people who need to act nice so my favourite creators don't starve. And, now I'm gearing up to Blaze my first ever ad for my work, and I don't relish being someone who needs to get you emotionally invested in me so I don't starve, and who can't give anything back except content. I can't fake being open to liking you and being friends, and pull back behind a boundary at the last minute. But it seems like a can't be popular enough to make a go of this and actually like all my supporters.

You know, if I ever get more than three.

There's a part of Night, by Elie Wiesel, where he talked about what people did for food when they were starving in the camps. It really bothered him that some people would trade emotional contact - an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on - for food. He could forgive a lot, but that just seemed evil. And I - I was in high school at the time - instantly recognized that that was how I got along with my parents, my teachers, basically everyone. It was transactional. I was always looking for whatever it was they needed me to do so they wouldn't harm me, so they'd just let me live. Which is very much the same as trading a hug for food.

Or a warm, welcoming smile for clicks.

And, here I am, about to hit "post now" on social media, with several paragraphs of being emotionally honest. And of course I hope you'll like me enough to keep coming back and reading what I write... But I don't know if I can smile and say "hi" and mean it, or even if I should.

I don't know whether to keep reaching out and saying "I hear you, I'll help" or to stop wandering around the zoo, trying to lick the animals.

Either way, starting Sunday, I'll go back to posting story content (for a limited time) and see if anyone wants to lick me, or if they don't even care enough to tell me "your blog sucks."

[rin-and-jade]

hey it's pop again, I already technically posted this in a comment section on a YouTube video but I just need to tell you too.

when I was little, I used to get yelled at a lot. I never did go to school, so I never did have that time away from home other kids got, I never was social. I was holed up In our house, for most of my life. still am, the only sense if actual no strings attached freedom I get is from the internet.

I am able to be who I want on here without the anger, and yelling. or the "why are you just sitting there? you could be doing anything!" or "you stupid kid, you know you can do better" or "DO BETTER" or "GET UP AND OUT DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!" or just anything.

I just don't like the feelings, I feel so guilty about nothing! I wanna vomit and cry and scream for no reason!

I feel like anything I do is judged and if I make a slight mistake I'm ridiculed. they all still get angry about my past mistakes.

it wasn't even anything bad! everything I've done has ended up okay, no one has groomed me, no one has verbally abused me on here, they actually like what I have to say. they give me space and time to talk.

my stutter came back, I didn't realise at first. but now it's just in my head, I stutter and go over my words again and again. and I don't know why.

I've been doing the best I possibly can, I clean, I cook, I do my chores and fold the clothes, I take care of my siblings, I take care of the dog I don't want to take care of. (I love her, but we literally agreed that I wouldn't have to do any dog chores since it gives me hives and asthma and I just can't deal with it.)

I try so FUNKING HARD, and I barely get any credit for it. if I truly moved out, they would be so lost without me.

I want to move out, and see the world and just BE something. I want to DO something that's not just staying confined in my room or only going out when they go out.

I want that smidgeon of freedom, I just can't grasp. so here I am, again. on the internet the only "safe" place I know these days. I can't read a book and distract myself from my parents arguments, I don't have the space to play music without headphones, I can't watch tv or the sort because the TV is in the places where they argue.

so all I have is this, this little text. to quench my thirst of being "abused" or "mistreated" I don't even know anymore.

I love them, dearly. but I just can't spend the rest of my life stuck to them like glue, I know my siblings will be confused and sad. but I just NEED to free myself, I need to be in charge of where and when I can go.

I want to do walks, I want to aimlessly walk malls, I want to work a job or just maybe die.

it's just overwhelming, I want that freedom. and I want to go to my own home, meet people. fall in love, make something of myself. 

make mistakes I'm proud of, and funk up bad. go to THERAPY, god I just want that.

but I'm just stuck in a cycle I can't escape, maybe one day I will. and I'll cry many tears and walk my small stupid apartment, and put up posters and play online games. and talk with people I don't know, and just exist in the way I want to.

find people like me, and go to arcades and spend my pocket money on it. I wander the world, learn a language! I want to do so much and yet I'm trapped.

but one day I'll leave, one day I'll be on my own and it will be so nice.

-pop

Wanna add that never do i have the privilege to express my anger as its always fought back with more anger, like goddamnit how can you be mad and i listen when you can't accept a tinge??

Anyway, as you're independent, you'll do good living alone and working alone one day,, do all the things you want and meet anyone you want. Just remember going as a lone wolf will also have it's troubles so atleast find/have someone to trust along the way.

An absolute survivor, go slay sir/maam.

- j

[jubileebloom]

just some ramblings about name stuff before I get in the shower

I love having an "online name." It gives me something to be called, even if I don't have many who would, and it lets me do those things that are like "your [x] name is based on XYZ of your name" without giving away my real name online. It's awesome!

My name, Odina Bonfire Rose, has a bit of a story to it.

It all started when I was 13 and thought I was going to be a small youtuber, because I was 13 and didn't know how the world worked and grossly overestimated my capacity for productivity. We've all been there at one point or another, or at least a good amount of us probably have. I decided to name myself after my ponysona, because I wanted to make MLP theory videos, and back then my ponysona's name was Imaginer. Being raised in a family of math nerds, I named my youtube channel Imaginer 31415.

But... after a while, I didn't like the name Imaginer anymore. I am a very imaginative person, but that felt too on the nose for a name, even in MLP name terms. So I think I just googled "names that mean creativity" or "[x] gods of creativity" and somehow that led me to Odina? I don't remember how that all went down, but somehow I decided on Odina, despite it being a very human sort of name to give to a cartoon horse. But I liked it, and decided to add Rose for a connection to nature and to symbolize love. A bit Mary Sue of me, maybe, but I was a much more kind and optimistic person back in the day and I guess it did somewhat reflect myself. I also made this tumblr around that time for an inktober, and thus the name remains.

I'd also made a reddit account under the name Imaginer 31415, but I abandoned that after a while. Later on, I made a throwaway reddit account, not because I was going to do anything bad or personal with it, but just because I didn't want to admit to using reddit. I know the stigma it has, and some of the community there definitely deserves it, but I was mainly just there (and still am) for another place to post my art/writing/discussions/what have you. On a whim, I named the account EmotionalBonfire, because I was a very emotional person and I thought it reflected on me well. I then ended up getting a bit attached to "Bonfire" as an online moniker, so when I eventually made an AO3 account (and later a twitter), I put myself down as "Bonfire Rose."

(Side note: yes, I capitalize AO3 but not reddit, twitter, or youtube because I generally have more respect for AO3 than any of the others. Just a little thing I tend towards. Not that I don't respect tumblr, because if anything it's become less of a hellsite than the other places, but it just doesn't feel like the sort of thing to be capitalized. Anyway.)

I liked Bonfire Rose, but especially after getting back into MLP, I still wanted to keep "Odina" in my name. That being said... I'm not sure if I like that as a name anymore. I have no idea what I would want to change it to, though. And I feel like I still have to keep this name. Although I also felt that about Imaginer, even though I eventually gave it up.

I don't know if it's because "Odina" doesn't feel much like a pony name, or if I just outgrew it, or maybe my gender and I running into communication problems is playing a role in it. I feel that way sometimes about my irl name too, but I'm still very attached to my name and I do want to keep it for now. Even if a lot of new people I meet don't pronounce it correctly. I love my name because it's more unusual, but it's also hard when I've corrected someone multiple times on how it's pronounced and then they still mispronounce it, and honestly at this point I've stopped trying to correct people, even though it hurts to have someone never say my name right. I'm just tired.

Anyway. Point is, I decided my online name should be Odina Bonfire Rose, with Bonfire acting as my middle name that I sometimes go by. I've thought about going by my irl middle name before to avoid all the pronunciation issues, but it just didn't feel right. It's still special to me, just... not as my main name. I dunno. I've fiddled with nicknames and stuff before but nothing really feels right. But Bonfire works. Or Bon. I like getting called Bon.

But I'm not really sure what to do about this whole name thing. Maybe I'll change it. Maybe I won't. I want something that really feels like me, but it's hard when I don't know exactly who or what I am.