#i wanna rewatch it one day to bring all these memories back

[rknchan]

princess memories

[edutainer2022]

I'm in a very complicated (non)relationship with faith and religion. Loss, grief, and war do a number on that. And I'm in a weird mood (also insanely busy). I would assume the Tracies too have a complicated (and different for each) relationship with faith and spirituality, in their line of work. It's Easter time. So here's a little Earth and Sky piece centered around that time of the year, memories, fears, and love, of course. All blatant parallels with religious symbolism are all on my agnostic self, I mean no disrespect whatsoever!

EASTER

Christmas was easy. Approachable. Christmas was always about family and snuggling, comfy pijamas and Lord of the Rings rewatch maraphons, and gifts for everyone, cinnamon, cocoa, decorations and garlands. Christmas was manageable even after Mom. Then after Dad. Never the same, but manageable.

Easter was weird... In their childhood Easter was always a whirl of colors and activities - egg die on every surface besides the eggshells, egg hunts on the farm and ranch, chocolate prizes, bright baskets, and laughter. And Mom. Always Mom at the center of it all, orchestrating and directing the colorful chaos. Mom told them stories. An Irish Catholic, Mom made a point to go to mass on Easter morning, although she didn't insist they go with. They usually did, dressed in Sunday best, even Gordie on his best behavior. There would be waffles and ice-cream on the way back from the church, and sprinkles in John's hair. With Mom gone the colors muted. The whirlwind stopped. The spring lost its promise. It felt almost a blasphemy to celebrate a resurrection after a loss they suffered. Scott tried to uphold the egghunts for Gordie, who barely remembered his with Mom, and for Allie, who didn't, but it fell flat.

Dad never much discussed spirituality with them. An astronaut, a war veteran, a widower, he held certain cards close to his soul. They grew up with boundless belief in scientific knowledge and answers to be pursued by scientific methods. If there were no answers this side of known universe, that meant the science was yet to catch up. They all helped with catching up a lot. As much as they grew up with boundless belief in each other (that and an elaborate array of superstitions, given their respective specializations). And a firm conviction Mom was an angel up in heaven, watching over them. It all made sense when a brother's comms were silent in the danger zone or a brother's hand was limp and cold over hospital covers. Unbeknowest to them, through the endless night alone in outer space, their father always had but one prayer: "Look after them, my love! Keep them all safe as I can't!"

In a rare arrangement of circumstances, they were all at the farm for Easter weekend, for a change. Some issues needed to be dealt with the estate. And it was an unspoken opportunity to visit Mom's grave. (And Dad's headstone over an empty casket, right next to her). Virgil found Scott at the backporch, seated on the stairs overlooking the meadow. Alone. As he suspected he would. Virgil would have been happy to just plop down and sit it out with biggest brother shoulder to shoulder till dusk, giving him room to just be and a friendly ear, should he want one. Scott had been in a mood all day, maybe all week. So much so even John was worried, who didn't get to observe Scott in his natural brooding state up close often. Biggest brother was obviously not forthcoming with any conversation starters. Virgil took his chances and nudged a flannel clad shoulder to his right. In their childhood home Scott always dug out old, broken in flannel, albeit in blue.

"I think about going to Mom's church tomorrow morning. You wanna come with?"

It was a multi-layered invitation and Virgil knew it. It would imply quality time away from the general mayhem for just the two of them, a chance to gather one's thoughts and to connect to Mom in a way that was special to her, even a chance to bring home a decent breakfast from the diner in the town, across the church. They would then all pack up in two cars, make a trip to the cemetery, pay their respects, and have an Easter dinner all together as a family. Virgil nudged his brother's shoulder again, looking up with hope. Scott's gaze was still far away.

"You wanna go to Easter mass?"

Virgil felt self-conscious suddenly. He loved the music and the spirit of celebration. Generally loved the idea of connecting to something bigger. Connecting to Mom. He tried another angle.

"You don't believe?"

Mom did - left unspoken over the evening meadow. Scott hummed at that, blue eyes finally landing on his brother. The sadness there left Virgil breathless.

"What? Whether a guy could resurrect in three days? I don't honestly know if I believe that, Virg. But I do believe one could die for all of himanity."

Dad did - another silent echo over the meadow.

That, right there, was Virgil's deepest fear. That one day Scott would leave him behind, crying and helpless, on the sideway of his own via dolorosa, dragging a crucifix through the dust and grime of a danger zone. By Dad's unspoken command.

"Please go with me to Mom's church tomorrow! We can have waffles after."

That was blatant food bribery (aka a tried and true way to get Scott to go to concerts and art galleries). But desperate times called for desperate measures.

Scott responded with an amused chuckle and lifted an arm to invite his brother into a hug. Virgil didn't need to be asked twice. Scott's old flannel shirt smelled of old machine oil from the farm tractor, fabric softener and the inextinguishable odor of his very first, hideous aftershave from way back in basic training. Virgil closed his eyes against the steady heartbeat. "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from him."

[t-the-ring-master]

OC facts and headcannons.

Request: no

Requests open.

There will be a mini story about him soon. This is a

Bramble: the mountain king OC I made specifically for a request. I’ll have a link to it for those who wanna read it. But I did get permission to use the requesters OC for it so you’ll get that very soon. But for now we are Focusing on Mari and who he was

The request

Mari is the thin/buff(?) troll that kidnaps Olle’s sister. I’m saying buff because I’m rewatching the gameplay and that sucker had a six pack.

Mari was the assigned guard to the princess, king Nils daughter.

Due to the busy schedule of the king, I can definitely see Mari watching her most of the time. She definitely forced him into a tea party or two.

He came from the same village as Näcken, although the two were very different ages and Mari was already working in the castle by the time Näcken had killed everyone.

The princess and her brother Ulrik definitely played pranks on him growing up. They weren’t very sneaky though so he’d just pretend to fall for them.

Mari was one of the witnesses that saw Prince Ulrik pass, he was also one of the first effected by the kings deeds. When the strange plants started taking over the castle, they had snatched him up and changed him.

He doesn’t remember his human life all that much. But one of the things the troll remembers was when he first woke up. He had stepped on a plain wedding band.

Mari had been married only a couple years, that is probably why the memory didn’t stick to the troll.

Mari was killed by day light when Olle made him stay until the light came. Mari did always like the sun light.

When the king was freed, the statue of Mari crumbled. The only thing that was left when the dust cleared was the wedding band.

He is actually named after my dog Mars - a mastiff- and a small streamer I watch called Marrixwrld, who is a young teen who often just streams for fun.

Mari liked to bake, so he would often bring sweets for the prince and princess.

Great baker, awful cook. He just can’t get it down for some reason.

A family man through and through.

By the time he was turned into a troll, Mari was already well into middle age, about 43 years old.

Most of the recruits would hear from him is complaints about his back.

He was one of the only people who openly objected to the murders the king committed, the only reason he was never punished was because of the princess.

When Prince Ulrik got sicker and ultimately died, Mari had already transferred to be his guard until he got better, or passed away.

When Prince Ulrik finally died and Mari became the princess’ guard again, it wasn’t long until the bramble took over the castle. That was the last time Mari saw the princess, king or any one of his fellow servants.

Mari’s appearance.

Mari was sickly pale, making him have a grayish pale appearance.

Shoulder length, loose curly black hair with a swoop to the bangs, making his forehead visible.

A thin but sturdy frame, with long legs, thin slender hands and lengthy arms.

Sunken almond eyes, dark brown in color with specks of green scattered throughout.

A sharp jaw and an Italian nose, thin lips with a deep Cupids bow, pointed up in the corners giving a light permanent smile.

If not in uniform, he was often in normal peasant clothes, the only “expensive” item he wore was his golden wedding band.

Much thanks to the requester whom allowed me to use their OC for his mini story, it is soon to come after I finish one of my other requests.

I’ll have character art for him Eventually.

[hotdadlicense]

hmmm top 5 shows, top 5 animals aaaaand top 5 scenes from any show/movie

loren please..... i lve you.

top five SHOWS.

the walking dead - ................. like it has to be said. i'm so sorry. it didn't even really go 'bad' for me like it did lose me for a hot minute or two there originally but like. when i rewatched i was like no actually i love it here. i love this hot mess. and i tragically fucking do. could really do with bringing certain characters back etc or just dissappearing some storylines but like. i do fucking love it.

breaking bad - i didnt even KNOW what i was in for i was just like this'll be fine this'll be chill. and then my life changed forever y'know.

it's always sunny in philadelphia - my go-to show to have on in the background, to have on when im sick, to have on when i need a laugh, to have on when im feeling miserable, to have on when i just wanna feel like Myself. can probably quote like. every episode by this point.

black sails - literally don't even need to explain this one. bs is already tumblr critically acclaimed. if i could go back in time and watch the season two last two episodes for the first time all over again, i would in a heartbeat. the girl that existed in my bedroom when watching those eps? never seen her before and i'll never be her again.

911 - listen. it TRULY is tv show of all time. u KNOW this i know you know this. u can't put eddie diaz in a tv show and not have it change the lives of millions.

top fIVE animals.

SHARKS. sharks sharks sharks sharks sharks all types all kinds theyre all my children

foxes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please the fennec fox my BABY

long maned wolf.

dogs!

snakes. also HOW is your snake btw i miss them

top 5 scenes!

lets revisit black sails again and say season two finale as a whole? but also the 'in the light there is discovery' forest speech in the series finale............................i get chills like every time. WAIT ALSO 'my name is John Silver. and i've got a Long Fucking Memory.' INSANE acting also idk if this is really technically 'top five scenes' worthy but uknow that line where flints like 'where else would you wake up in the morning and matter?' @ silver??? yeah it ingrained itself into my brain and now whenever my brains having a bad day and being a bitch, it just repeats that line over and over to myself. again i dont know if that makes it a top five thing but boy oh bOY it sure made an impact !

iasip mac finds his pride when mac does the dance and franks crying and is like 'i get it. i get it now.' maybe its cos i feel like there is just a 00.01% chance of my parents ever accepting me and im projecting or whatever but that scene? every fucking time im like........ crying lol

my brain is one big jumble for the walking dead and i just can't pin down one scene? so i'm just gonna take a cop out and say that part where daryl and merle are in the woods huntin when they split off in s3 or whatever after they reunite and daryls got his crossbow simply becos i still remember watching it with my mum and her being like 'oh look at daryls Arms. he's really got Muscles.' and i was like. scandalised. in a Good way. and now everytime i see him in that scene i'm like justin beiber tweet i love Arm.

that scene in breaking bad where jesses in hospital after hank beats the shit outta him in the rv and walt visits him in hospital and jesse has that breakdown in 3.07? jesse pinkman crying in a hospital bed bruised and beaten saying 'i am not turning down the money, i am turning down you.' when he's yelling 'i have NOTHING. NO ONE.' ??????????????? scene of all scenes. wait also the peek-a-boo kid scene in s2

stuggling to think of a last one uh maybe in the seventh fast and furious movie when see you again plays at the end and they're all on the beach and then dom and brian are racing except you know its not paul walker and u know its CGI or whatever and ???? i still cry over that sorry

[mrultra100]

I dunno about you folks, but given the recent news about Adult Swim’s new Checkered Past block (them broadcasting old Cartoon Network shows), along with today being 810nicle Day, it’s got me thinking about my childhood.

This is something I normally don’t bring up, as I usually don’t discuss my personal experiences, but I wanna get it off my chest. As far back as the mid to late 2000s, 3 big things were a factor of my childhood; LEGO, Cartoon Network/Adult Swim, and, believe it or not, the city of Atlanta, Georgia.

The LEGO bit is rather obvious, given how I’m a huge Mixels fan, but I also recall liking Bionicle alot when it was being sold. While I don’t really remember alot of my past with that particular franchise myself, I do remember seeing the commercials for it back in the day. And to this day, I often find myself rewatching old promotional material for Bionicle on Youtube for nostalgia reasons. Why, I even dabbled around with the G2 sets back when they came out during the mid 2010’s. I guess my love for LEGO back in my early years was a huge reason why I latched onto Mixels from the very start. Like with alot of people that I know, Mixels and Bionicle are the two LEGO franchises I love the most, both as a kid, and even now as a young adult. Obviously, a few other themes from that time like Power Miners, Atlantis, and Hero Factory were sets that I liked alot, but for the sake of discussion, Mixels and Bionicle are what come to my head first whenever I think about LEGO.

Speaking of Mixels, the series that it got on Cartoon Network was, and still is, one of my favorite shows on the channel. I guess that serves as a nice segway into the CN portion, eh? Getting back into the topic at hand, given how I was born in 2002, I would eventually grow up with many of the shows from the CN eras of not only the mid-to-late 2000s, but also the early 2010s; Yes! Noods, and even a bit of the Check It era are when I had some pretty good memories with Cartoon Network, and the shows airing throughout all of that time stuck with me. Obviously, Mixels comes up again when I talk about this sorta thing, but shows like Chowder, Flapjack, the original continuity of Ben 10, Billy and Mandy, Adventure Time Regular Show, and plenty more are what I saw and loved back then. I even dabbled in a bit of Adult Swim too, as not only does Aqua Teen Hunger Force come to mind, me and my family even watched late-night broadcasts of King of the Hill. And I’m not sure if I’m remembering this right, but I might have even seen a tiny bit of Toonami as well. I dunno, it’s been a long time since that all happened

Lastly, the last thing of this 3 layered cake of nostalgia is me and my family visiting the city of Atlanta, more specifically, the Georgia Aquarium. My mind’s a bit fuzzy on when my first visit exactly was, but I’m guessing that was around in 2008. I was 6 back then, so it happened long ago. Even back at that age, I was a lover of marine life, sharks especially. I think the Georgia Aquarium was my first ever time seeing these beautiful creatures alive. Unlike a good chunk of people, I’ve always been fascinated by sharks and other marine animals, so you can probably imagine the sheer awe that I had when I saw a whale shark swimming around Ocean Voyager. Moments like that tend to stick with you for life. And ever since, I’ve had the pleasure of coming back again and again all throughout my late childhood and teen years. Even to this day, me and my family go to the aquarium for sleepovers every once and a while. No joke, I even teared up a little bit when the lights went off in the massive viewing window in Ocean Voyager, where me, my dad, and the sleepover group that we were a part of, when it got late. Seeing shadows dance, cruise, and flicker inside the inky depths was one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen in my life, mainly due to how it struck a chord with my nostalgia. While the Georgia Aquarium itself has changed to add in renovations, new galleries and animals, and other such things, my love and appreciation for the place has only grown within years, and I’ll always treasure it and the memories that I’ve had. Also, while we’re on the topic of Atlanta, did you know that Williams Street, one of the teams behind Adult Swim, is set within Atlanta? Things like that bring everything together.

Now, with all of that said, what’s the point of me going off on a discussion like this? It’s just me wanting to talk about certain things from my childhood that I, along with many other people, have had happy childhood memories. Given the state of the world right now, I feel like thinking about simpler times helps with feeling better. Adult Swim’s Checkered Past feels like the team in charge of the channel wants to not only bring back memories of the old CN shows that we all loved as children (along with introducing any kids today to said shows), but to also give these beloved classics the love and respect that they deserve. Cartoon Network, as it stands now, is in desperate need of repair, and it’s all Discovery’s fault. Given how he ruined both Discovery and Warner Bros with the WB Discovery merger, along with canceling certain films and shows before they could come out, filing Discovery and ruining Shark Week with pseudoscience nonsense designed to appeal to the lowest common denominator (I.E. braindead morons who spread conspiracies that aren’t true in the slightest) and reality show garbage that no sane person would willingly watch, David Zaslav is one of the few people out there that I unironically despise with all of my heart. I really hope someone in the near future comes out and finds a way to fire his ass for good. That bastard needs to go. Only then, things for WB and CN can find a way to improve for the better, along with many other studios going through similar situations.

Until that happens, things like Checkered Past serve as a way to rediscover the magic felt by all of us, and it’s a magic that I can attend to especially. Even with how I’ve grown and changed as a person, along with my tastes in media being refined and expanded on, I’ll always harken back to simpler times. I think we could all have a trip down memory lane.

[karatekid1]

hi guys it been a while. Well, everything right now feels like its going up and down all the time, like on monday, three days ago, my life felt so good, i was so happy, then everything went downhill again on tuesday. today is thursday and idek how im feeling, i dont got any apeitie, and my life just feel so depressing. i realized yesterday that heartstopper is like a core memory to me, like i havent watched it since season 2 came out bc people started calling it cringe and i actually started to think it were. i was just a kid back then it feels like, because every day i get older and i feel embarressed for my younger self, in like a few months i think that this me whos writing this is gonna be so cringe, why are we like that? or maybe thats just me. but what i mean is that yesterday i listened to some of the soundtrack songs, i just felt warm and happy inside, and it kept doing everytime i listeend to the songs, i stayed up til 3 am last night just rewatching the first season and it made me cry actually idk why but it just brings me so much comfort. anyway, uni going fine ig, some subjects are really terrible, but im surviving. me and benjamin (the nick to my charlie) are still together and idk tbh how hes feeling ab me atp, like im so fucking stupid and annoying i think hes getting tired of it. i feels like im slowly loosing my mind again bc of everything. i hate myself for the way i act towards people. most people i know would call me nice, they do, but then i literally argue with everyone over stupid shit just bc i am sensetive. and i dont know how to deal with myself, i just get so easily mad and jealous of everyone and its starting to spread out more over the people i love which is not meant to happen but i cant control it. how much i try to be nick, will continue to always be charlie. what was i made for? i dont even know myself anymore. people say they're proud of me but i will literally treat them like shit without even realizing it myself. all i really want is to be seen and heard, but i end up embarresing myself, overshare or just make people upset. im just a failure, im not supposed to be here, i dont fit in. i dont know whats right or wrong anymore i just want to live my life, but im literally just miserable. i try so hard everyday, to get people to like me, to make me like myself a little bit more and not hating myself, but when ive done something wrong i cant even realise my mistake until so long after ive done it, and i feel so stupid. i dont deserve to live the life that i do. i dont deserve any of this. i try to be like everyone else, i try to be interesting but if you try too hard no one is gonna like you. and if youre not interesting people wont wanna hang out with you bc youre boring. you should be funny but not mean, you should be perfect but not fake, you shoulld be thin but not starve, you should be smart not a tryhard, you should be yourself but not different, you should be happy but not annoying, you should be kind but not too kind because then people will use you for their own good. i hate humans, i hate what we've made this world into. sorry this became a whole vent post but im just so tired of living without having anything to live FOR.

[jacks-manidiary]

helloooo

I'm newly awakened as Quackity/fictionkin but i don't remember shit from my timeline

any tips on remembering stuff or fun memories from your own tl you wanna share?

- Q 💫

Oh boy, don't know if you've come to the expert here for advice. I&'m going to be saying this from a fictionlink perspective, but maybe it will help you with your 'kin issues too. Just don't worry much about forcing memories! They're not a necessity.

I&'d say do the obvious. Rewatch the source material, try to imagine in detail how it felt in the moment to be going through these events. Let it sit with you and give yourself time. Make logical guesses to what you must have been doing during the times you can't remember. There's no shame in such reconstruction! Memories are imperfect and if you need to know what happened during a certain time, it's perfectly fine to assume.

Talk about what happened in first person. Start a diary like I& did! Check in with yourself whether the things you know sound right. And if just asking yourself if something happened doesn't give you an answer, you can try assuming whichever story you like best and seeing if that gets a response.

Memories are often tied to sensory experiences. Try seeking out some foods, smells, scenery, anything that you could have eaten or felt during a given period of your life and seeing if that brings to mind anything.

...yeah. As for me&? Um, I& don't have a lot of memories at all either and the ones I& do have aren't what one would call "fun". The biggest one is the hotel, I& constantly think about my& time in the hotel and mull over those feelings. I& remember just sitting in the kitchen (in this life) alone late at night and realizing with terror that it felt like I& was back at the hotel again. Scared me& to bits. Yeah.

I&'ll be watching my& early streams this weekend though, and so I&'ll likely have a much clearer picture of the days in Manifoldland since those were happening before I& even got into DSMP in this life.

[dokifluffs]

Booping His Nose | Aone, Ushijima

Pairings: Aone X Reader (gender neutral), Ushijima X Reader (female)

Genre: soft 🥺 sweet fluff

Author’s Nose: im absolutely and utterly soft for Aone and his turt 🥺 

Aran, Kenma, Atsumu // Nishinoya, Sachiro, Kuroo // Sakusa, Iwaizumi // Suna, Kageyama, Matsukawa // Tendo, Hinata, Bokuto // Yamaguchi, Osamu

gif from @rivaillerose​

Aone: 

A cool, early summer breeze blew by, making the plastic bags in your guys’ hands rustle as the two of you walked side by side, on the way toward his house

“‘Nobu, what are you gonna show me?” You asked for the nth time, though you knew you weren’t going to get an answer

“We went grocery shopping for these veggies…” you mumbled to yourself, taking a peek to refresh your memory

He held the bag with the heavier snacks that you guys would eat and share and you help the lighter bag of veggies, specifically spinach, carrots, and even a few kiwis

Was he going to make you something to eat?

He was only silent as he looked down to you, giving you a soft, silent smile as you guys turned onto the block, approaching his home

The only plans you were sure of was that you two were going to watch a movie or two tonight while and snack a bit, eat pizza

But oh well

You opened your mind, just going with the flow, not worrying much about anything as long as you spent some time with Aone

Stepping inside, you were greeted warmly by his parents before they left very shortly to head out to relative’s house

This time, he took care of the veggies and produce bag while you helped yourself to some snacks, sorting the others that you weren’t too interested in, away

You snacked, standing beside him as he washed the fruits, occasionally feeding him before he had to focus, cutting the fruits diligently but also into very small, small cube shapes

He plated them neatly, alongside the greens and that was when he took your hand

“I want you to meet someone very special.” He spoke matter of factly before he brought you to the sun room, setting the plate of veggies and fruits down before disappearing once again

But when he returned, it was like there was a sparkle in his eye, his hands holding something, though you couldn’t really see what

“Who is it?” You asked as he knelt down right beside you

“This is berry, my tortoise.” He opened his hands, revealing a small tortoise walking from his cupped hands, right toward the plate of deliciousness as fast as she could

“Oh my gosh, she’s so precious, Nobu,” you gasped as you laid lower, closer to the floor, as close as you could without startling her or anything

Aone smiled happily, seeing his two favorite beings together, finally meeting

He went through the story of how he adopted her, how he bonded with her, learned to take care of her

And now that you had gotten the chance to meet her, the three of you could grow and see her grow

Though she would be living far much longer than the two of you

You two knelt low in the sun room, watching her bite the small-cut fruit, taking mighty but tiny chops into the spinach leaves

She was just so cute but made a perfect acquaintance for him

You couldn’t even think about a movie as the two of you were much more entertained just by watching Berry eat her meal

Looking beside you to Aone, he watched her like anyone would want to be looked at by their loved on - almost like he was looking at her just like he was looking at you

With his chin resting in his hands while the two of you laid on your bellies, elbows propping yourselves up, you leaned over and pressed your finger to his nose

“Boop.”

And you knew for a long time that he never really was one to show emotions, but you had never seen his cheeks turn pink so fast while Berry walked in between the two of you

gif from @rivaillerose​

Ushijima: 

“Mm, this team was good,” Wakatoshi spoke stoically as ever as you leaned back into him, his arm draped over the back of the couch

Dinner had already been eaten and the night was very young

Though you did feel a little lethargic from how you were positioned

His abdomen providing you the perfect pillow, but his lap was even better as you laid yourself across from him

“What team?” You asked, turning to glance at the tv, suddenly seeing a closeup of hinata and kageyama

“Argentina,” he spoke stoically and that was when you remembered the game the two of you were watching

It was the pre-olympic qualifiers with the Japan team and the Argentina team, of course with Oikawa Tooru as their setter, a setter Wakatoshi highly approved of

You did your best to stifle a yawn, only for it to grow into an even bigger yawn

“Tired?” He looked down to you, resting his hand on your baby bump

“Mmhm,” you blinked slowly, bringing your hand to his, feeling his warmth

“Do you want to go upstairs? I can carry you.”

“Oh, no, no Toshi. I’m far too heavy for that but I just wanna stay here with you.” You adjusted, turning to your other side that faced the back of the couch, facing in to his stomach

It was so perfect

The couch supported your heavy belly, letting your back rest for the first time in awhile

You were right there besides your husband, able to smell his fresh body wash his hand now resting on your arm, stroking it as he continued to look down at you

“It would be no problem. I can carry you at any weight, so don’t worry,” his lips curled up a little, the tickling feeling of his thumb now on your cheek

“I wanna stay here with you,” you looked up to him, wrapping your fingers around the bottom edge of his shirt

“Alright, then.” He continued watching his game, rewatching the footage to prepare for the actual olympic games

When you first met him, Wakatoshi was even quieter, not really talking much unless asked to, and.. not slow per se, but he would have to ask about jokes as well as online trends

He was very focused on himself, doing things he knew would be the best for him and here he was

He was a lot more open with you, mostly because you two had been married and you were pregnant with your guys’ first kid

Things were for sure changing, life was changing and

You got to spend it with Wakatoshi

You further nuzzled your face into his abdomen, liking how warm it was, despite his strange it would sort of look to others if they just walked in and saw you rubbing your face into your husband’s stomach but you couldn’t help it but touch and feel him before he would be gone again and you would be alone and needy for him

He smelled so good, he was so warm

You could’ve, you wanted to fall asleep right then and there in his lap but there was something else that just didn’t want you to inside

Looking up to him, your eyes practically half open, he was so focused on the game, he had that face on, which was basically his everyday face, that you couldn’t tell what he was really thinking

But you just knew it was about the game

Reaching up, your rest your hand on his pec and shoulder, getting his attention

“Hm? Do you want to go upstairs?”

Giving him no answer, you simply reached over and pressed your finger to his nose, booping it

A look of confusion spread on his face for a moment before he did the same, slowly reaching over and awkwardly booping your nose too

You hummed, content for some reason that he had done it

“I’ll stay here with you,” you spoke softly, snaking your hand under the hem of his shirt, resting it on his lower back, a feeling he was very much used to at this point

Every touch from you, he was used to

“Alright then. Let me know when you would like to go upstairs and I will carry you, Y/N.” He ever so carefully pulled you closer, leaning to the side to pull the folded, light blanket to throw it over, draping it over your body

“M’kay,” you hummed, before finally reaching for his hand that rest on your arm, bringing it to your face so you could hold his hand, feeling him as you let yourself doze off completely

~~~~~ Thanks for reading! Masterlist for more! Please do not repost anywhere else!

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[rattyoakenbitch]

❝𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞❞ ─ 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐧 𝐨𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐥𝐝

i never really noticed

that i had to decide

to play someone's game,

or live my own life

and now i do,

i wanna move

out of the black

into the blue

❥ content ; gn reader, angst, happy ending, comfort, fluff

❥ warnings ; language, anxiety, dark topics such as sx!c!de, depression, s/h. triggering dialogue. do not read if you’re struggling with sx!c!dxl thoughts. this will not be a safe experience.

❥ synopsis ; n/a, too lazy to write tbh

❥ a/n ; hi!!! please read this!!! okay hi (: if you’ve been following me since 2020, you know i used to write a lot of thorin x readers. obviously a lot has changed since 2020. i gradually stopped being active on tumblr. or i wouldnt write fics that catered to the hobbit fandom, which is a majority of my followers. the reason for that is, well, i haven’t really grown out of lotr / th. it’s not one of those things i’ll ever grow out of. it’s my comfort fandom / trilogy. i just couldn’t bring myself to watch them for a while. didn’t have motivation to write, either. it should’ve brought happy memories, but rewatching the trilogy and trying to write fics about it just made me sad. after september of 2020, i started getting depressed. it only got worse because i can’t afford treatment. i stopped participating in my favorite hobbies. i was m.i.a from all social medias. from the summer of 2021 to now, november 2021, i was, and still sort of am, extremely sx!c!dxl. i’ve watched myself, things, and people around me, change. i moved to a completely different place. ten hours or more from where i grew up. i lost and gained friends. a lot changed within a year. it really scares me. even if i haven’t exactly lived a long life, i still look back on the years that have gone by and it makes me cry. i was an enthusiastic person who would indulge in their favorite activities every day, but now i’ve been reduced to a crying mess. this fic is about that. while yes, it’s still about a fictonal character that shouldnt seem too deep, it’s my most vulnerable fic. thorin has always been my comfort character and though i’m not as active in the lotr / hobbit fandom as i used to be, it will forever have a special place in my heart. it reminds me of innocence and i hope that maybe someone can connect to this. sorry for the long a/n lol if youre still reading this.

Get. Up.

...

Get. Up.

...

Get. Up.

...

What’s wrong with you? Just move your limbs.

...

A heavy sigh leaves your lips.

Like a sloth, you drowsily remove the covers from your body.

“Okay. Getting somewhere,” you whispered to yourself. You use all your strength to lift yourself off the bed to stand. And then..

Nothing.

You don’t move. You don’t walk to your closet to change out of the same robe you’ve been wearing for a week straight. You don’t go to your mirror to brush the knots out of your hair. You don’t go to your bath to wash off the oil and grime on your skin.

You just stand, still as a statue, shoulders hunched, eyelids threatening to shut.

It feels like years have passed before you move again.

Slowly, you make your way to the bath. The once hot water was now cold to the touch after hours of letting it sit there. Thorin had one of the servants fill it before he left your chambers, hoping you would finally use it. He guessed you most likely wouldn’t. You push the robe off your shoulders and let it fall to your feet. Then you climb into the tub, suppressing a wince at the feeling of the icy water prickling your skin like needles.

Instead of sitting there and staring at the wall for hours, you wash yourself the best you could. You rub the dirt off your face and remove the oil from your locks, almost feeling like a completely different person when you step out of the tub.

“Getting somewhere..” you repeat. Picking up the dirty robe off the floor, you place it somewhere in the room and instantly forget about it.

After slipping on some new clothes, you hesitantly look in the mirror. The person in the reflection is startling. But it’s you. Pale, eyes dark and wide in shock. You bring your hand up to the mirror, fingers pressed against the glass, no doubt leaving prints.

What happened to you?

You were a ruler. Or supposed to be. But that thing in the mirror.. That was no ruler. That wasn’t someone anyone should be bowing to. That was a...

y̵͓͗̽̈̌͝ǫ̶͎̹̭͆͜ͅű̸͔̬͂̽ ̴̣̖̭̫̳̗̾d̸͇̪͕͒̋͝͝ȋ̵̘̮̪̘̖̝͋̇͐̇͋g̵̡͕͈̅́u̸̡̚s̸̝̦̱̞̹͒̏́͜t̸̫̤̖͙̭̆͌͝ ̸̡̥̱̾̔̂̌́͠ͅͅm̷̜̖̹̰͍̌͐̆͒͝ë̶̜̖̣̙̜̣́̓̏̈́̈́

You squeeze your eyes shut and press your hands against the sides of your head, as if it would quiet your mind. It did.

Right now, you needed to force yourself to focus on the important things. You had a task; leaving your chambers for the first time in forever.

Your heart was already thudding at the thought of it, and though you wanted to hide under your covers, you pushed open the doors to the outside world. The halls were wide and seemed to stretch on forever. It was almost unfamiliar, but as you walked down them, you remembered..

You remembered walking hand in hand with Thorin, laughing about something silly he said.  You remembered running around, playing childish games with the nephews.  Or running in fear, a burst of fire right on your tail the smell of dragon’s breath filling the air.

You also remembered chatting it up with relatives and friends, talking about everything and nothing as you strolled down the intricate, emerald halls. Occasionally a laugh would echo, followed by more laughter. The sound of comfort and family in your ears.

But now, you were walking down the cold corridor, the only sound being your small footsteps. You were alone. For a minute, at least. As you made your way to... Well, you didn’t even know where it was you were headed to. But eventually you bumped into two servants. They almost passed without noticing you, but when they glanced your way, they had to do a double take.

“Oh! Your Majesty,” they gasped in disbelief, curtsying shortly after. “I hope we didn’t offend you,” one said. “We hadn’t seen you in so long. It took a bit to recognize you.”

Just their way of saying you look pathetic.

They both gave you a soft smile, but you knew it was out of pity. You didn’t say anything, only nodding before walking off. You swore you could hear whispers behind you, but you didn’t bother. You knew it was probably something like, “Why does the king even keep her around?” or meaner variations. You didn’t blame them. You wanted to ask the same thing.

The past week, you've done nothing but lay in bed and cry. You would cry until you were hyperventilating and aching. You would cry until you physically couldn't. You'd beat your fists against Thorin's chest when he wrapped his arms around you to comfort you. He wouldn't make a single noise, never told you to shut up when you continued to sob and shriek "why?!" over and over. You didn't even know what you were asking him. It was the only thing you managed to choke out.

And Thorin took all of it. He didn't complain, didn't mock you. He didn't force you to get out of bed to attend important meetings. Of course, it hurt him that he had to leave you every day, morning till night time. But you didn't want to be a burden, so you lied to him. You reassured him with a smile, saying, "It's all right, amralime. You go. I'll be okay here. I just need to rest."

Every time, he'd give you sad, worried eyes. And it hurt you that he cared. It hurt you because you were hurting him and you couldn't do anything to stop.

Somehow, you ended up outside. Somewhere in a garden, trees and flowers and fruits surrounding you. You lied on the grass, gazing up at the dark blue & orange sky, littered with thin, white clouds that birds glided through every other minute. The sight was gorgeous. It should've made you happy. You should've been smiling as you soaked in the view. Instead.. nothing.

You stared up at the sky with a blank expression on your face. You were unmoved. Numb. You looked at the sky and thought back to a time where watching a simple sunset made you grin from ear to ear. But even now you didn't feel much. Everything seemed so bleak.

Hot tears gathered in the corner of your ear and spilled down your face. You wiped them away angrily, tired of crying like a child.

"Y/N!"

Two familiar voices brought you back to the present. You sat up, your eyes finding Kili & Fili's. Their mouths were curled up in excited smiles as they ran towards you. You picked yourself up and opened your arms to your nephews, who almost crushed you in theirs. You couldn't help but laugh. You didn't realize how much you missed them until now. Eventually you pulled away, and it took everything to not look down and avoid their gaze. Did they notice you were crying?

"Y/N! It's been too long!" Fili said. "We missed you."

"It's only been a week," you shrugged, trying to downplay it. "But I missed you too. I wasn't feeling well so I had to rest for a while. It might have been a seasonal thing."

"Well you're here now," Kili beamed. "That must mean you're better!"

If only they knew.

"Of course," you lied. "But I wasn't able to make it to the meeting today. I was in bed too long."

"Thorin will fill you in on what you've missed out on. Then you'll be back on track," Fili reassured.

Thorin. Oh, fuck. You've almost forgotten about him. How could you? How could you forget about your own husband?

"Thorin!" You blurt out. "I- mean, is Thorin.. How has he been?"

"The same," Kili said too quickly. "Why do you ask?" It was easy to see through his lies. But did that mean they could also see through yours? What if they knew you weren't actually ill? What if Thorin told them about the nights where you'd throw fits? What if-

"Are you sure?"

The brothers look between each other, then back at you.

"To be truthful.. We've noticed he's been more antsy than usual-"

Fili cut Kili off. "He's stressed out, Y/N. He's worried about you."

You get a pit in your stomach at the serious look the brothers give you. Guilty. You felt so guilty.

What were you putting him through?

"What do you mean?"

You know exactly what they mean.

Kili gulped. "Thorin spoke with us. He told us you were getting worse and he didn't know what to do to help. He said the doctors couldn't do much and that you were just.." He trailed off.

"I need to go." You don't wait for an answer as you make your way out of the garden, your walk becoming a full on sprint. You force yourself to ignore the brothers' shouts and pleas. You needed to find Thorin. It was already dark out. He must've been in the chambers by now.

But when you returned, it was cold and empty. No Thorin. You were alone again.

So you screamed. You screamed your throat raw. And despite the screams, nobody came. So you didn't stop. You didn't stop until you were coughing and gagging and choking on your own breath. You didn't even know why you were screaming. Were you angry? Sad? You just didn't know. As if you were detached from your emotions entirely.

The only thing you felt was heavy. Your heart. Your head. Your body. You needed release. You needed to cut it out.

You found a knife. A small, pocket knife. One of Thorin's. You unsheathed it and weighed it in your hand, before rolling up one of your sleeves. Dark streaks nearly covered your whole forearm. But you found a patch of unmarked skin.

c̵̼͈̪̺̰̦͚̆͌̓̓͊͜u̸̲͉̲̱̐͋̉͑̈͐̄̏̋̎t̵͙̤̬̼̿͊̋̉̈́́̒̈̋͠ͅ ̴̡͎͙̳̬̼̻̭͙͔́̾̓̄̍̏͛̑̿̕̕i̴̢͓͉̯͓̞͓̐̈́͒̀͂̑̈́͜͠t̸̡̢̛̫̳̳͔̝̗̱͇̍̿̅̀̕ͅ ̷͍̥̼͍̬̏̊̀͛ả̵̰͎͉͓͇͛̂̀̈́l̵̢̥̖͉͔̲̫̩̀̈̀̒͛l̴̢̮͔͔̼̥̰̰̍̈̏̀̈́͆͑́͛̚͝ͅ ̵̞̥̜̼͙̠̖̜̆͐̏́̕o̶͖̗̱͐u̷̧̼̝̠͖̲̭͔̦͚̗͒̆̽̆̈́̌́͐̚͠t̷͇͕̙̣̺̺͕̺͉͖͉̔̐̚

You didn't think about it what you did. Like the actions were completely natural. And like before, you didn't stop. Not until crimson pooled on the floor and you ran out of space.

But even then.. even when your skin was crying, you didn't feel anything but a sharp sting and nothing more.

You weren't stupid, you knew you'd die if you didn't take care of your arm. So you bound your arm and finally, no more red. It stopped and you let out an exhale of relief. You were tired. From the running, the screaming, the crying, the bleeding. You collapsed onto the stone, cold floor, bringing your knees to your chest in a fetal position.

You pictured Thorin walking through the large chamber doors, looking heroic and strong as ever. He'd find you on the floor in a puddle of your own blood and tears. "Oh, amralime," he'd say and pick you up, taking you to bed with him. He'd hold you and never leave. Tell you it's going to be all right. Tell you you're beautiful, even with the dark bags under your puffy eyes and your red, tear stained face.

But he wasn't here to do that. The doors remained unmoving. The room was still and quiet, save for the shaky cries leaving your mouth.

You waited.. seconds turned into minutes, minutes turned into hours. Thorin didn't return for a while.

The loneliness was suffocating. You thought you would die if you had to go another second without him. When you needed him the most.

But finally, exhaustion took over and you drifted off to sleep. No thoughts, no worried, head empty. For once, you were at peace.

"Y/N! Can you hear me?!"

He was crying.

Your eyes shot open at the shout of your name. You sat up quickly, almost jumping into Thorin's arms while he kneeled by your side. But you were weak and Thorin..

Oh.

"Y/N.. Why is there blood?"

You only stared, at a loss for words. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. You fucked up.

"Why is your blood on the floor?" He pleaded, voice cracking. "Please, talk to me, amralime."

For a moment, you were numb. Shocked at how fast everything happened. But it hit you. Suddenly you were very aware.

Thorin had walked in. He found you on the ground, unconcious, a small puddle of rust smelling blood underneath you, and your light robes soaked in crimson. There was a knife beside you as well. That's just something nobody should ever see. And Thorin saw it. He saw his significant other, and presumed them dead.

The realization was overwhelming and you felt awful. But still, you hadn't said anything. What was there to say? "I'm sorry"? "It's not what it looks like"? "Relax"?

"Y/N, please, say something. Why?"

You opened your mouth and no words came out. Instead, your chin began to wobble and you broke.

You clung onto Thorin like you'd die if you let go, burying your face in his chest, sorries and I'mso f fucking sorry ohgods ple ase don't h hate me s falling from your mouth over and over.

Thorin shushed you, embracing you tightly and making soothing motions up and down your back.

Your cries subsided and the room felt peaceful for once, despite the previous events. Thorin hummed one of his lullabies as he scooped you up and sat you down on the bed. He went to grab another one of your robes, but you wouldn't let him.

"Thorin. I want you to stay. Please."

"I'm not leaving you, my love," he spoke gently, caressing your face in his hand. He swiped his thumb across your cheek, drying the silent tears that couldn't seem to stop.

Still, you shook your head and held onto Thorin's arm until he relented and climbed into bed with you instead. You both stripped down to your undergarments, your soiled and bloodied clothes forgotten on the floor.

You huddled close to Thorin, your legs intertwined with his and your head resting underneath his chin. He enveloped you in his arms securely, unwilling to let you go ever again.

"You scared me.." He muttered tiredly. "I can't lose you, too, Y/N. Don't let me lose you, too. We've seen so much death. Lost so many people. I don't know if I could do this without you." His voice trembled, and you knew he was crying.

"Thorin," you started, but realized you didn't know what to say. Just.. "Don't cry. I'll be here when you wake up. You won't lose me. I'm right here." You pressed your head against his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat that gradually began to slow.

"I can't do this without you, too," you whispered.

Thorin pressed a kiss on your forehead.

"Rest, Y/N. We're okay."

"I love you, Thorin."

"I love you, amralime."

For once, change wasn't so scary. Because it was going to get better.

[dyketubbo]

im rewatching doomsday (comps of all povs of course) and. yeah i just.. feel bad for the lmanburgians. i dont know how i could just. say these people deserved it, when they all sound, panicked and desperate and so so fucking sad. long long ramble under the cut as i recount the events and pick out a bunch of little things

even the day before then is painful. ranboos panic room. ranboo and tubbos talk (tubbo admitting that hes wrong, saying he believes that history is repeating itself and trusting ranboo because he believes in his loyalty), fundy showing the ring toss. tubbos surprise at being told to kill dream before stating that quackity would be in control if he didnt (god, did he plan to fail?). tommy being so so excited. everyone playing ring toss and cheering on jack. tommy still believing in tubbo. tubbo panicking. ranboo and tommy and techno talking, ranboo giving them info. dream placing walls and quackity instructing tubbo on where to kill dream. dream lying about the community house. the entire community house debacle. just, everything.

and then doomsday itself. having to frantically get there because it started early, tubbo only having diamond armor to protect him, fundy standing still after he sabotaged them. tubbo and ranboos genuine despair about the apiary.

tubbo eventually going nonverbal and actively putting himself in danger, not even moving away from techno at first and getting in the way of the firework launcher. tubbo trying to save tommy from the fireworks, ponks broken "dont come over here!" after she was trying to save his cat, tommys face falling and desperate attempts at convincing techno, ranboo going "its all gone", niki spiralling and silently burning down the tree, quackitys pure anger. all the death messages.

jack going "what is there left to protect", tommy brokenly trying to accept that its gone as tubbo and quackity blankly do accept it. jack going "i lost everything again". tommy desperately trying to understand dream, on the verge of tears as he asks why dream didnt just hurt him. his low health and food as hes unable to do anything anymore, his quiet gasp as he spots ghostbur, tubbos tiny shake of his head when dream says dream and tommys story wont be over.

tubbo and quackity breaking the repeaters. ghostburs "i didnt even know we were fighting". ghostbur finding out phil let friend die, hes pained "phil? but i- i gave, i gave phil to look after. and dream found me friend, and technoblade said we were friends", tommys pained talk about technoblade. "we were never his friend. to him, all of this was just an act of politics, an act of clout and a-a social ladder, and you won't remember. tubbo you will, and to you big q, this was a friendship. but to technoblade, this was a ladder. and techno climbed to the tippity talk. do you wanna know the only way you can go? on the ladder? -- and once you reach the top of the ladder tubbo, you can only go down."

quackity asking to sing the anthem again, him strumming as ghostbur sings (and tubbo and tommy joining in). ghostbur forgetting the second verse because it blew up. quackity remembering it, them stumbling through it. tommys "tubbo? im so so sorry", tubbos quiet "its okay." the four all singing together. tubbo looking at the lava with an ender pearl in his hand, tommy correcting quackity and going "our l'manburg". ghostburs speech about friend, about people not taking him seriously just because he has memory loss.

meanwhile.. phil and techno were laughing. cracking jokes. phil mocks them as he spawns withers on the apiary, going "ohhh noo not the bees!". techno shouts at tommy and shoots at him and tubbo. he kills jack and doesnt even notice that it was one of his lives lost. jacks death itself proves that it doesnt take any particular intent, doesnt have to mean anything to the killer. techno and phil were willing to kill people. it would be foolish of them to act as if there were no risks in the terms of canon lives, especially with phil. phil doesnt take ghostbur seriously, treats his despair as an opportunity to drill in a lesson. the most either of them lost was some of the dogs and used up potions, fireworks, and wither skulls

and then theres dream. dream whose been harming the l'manburgians since the beginning, who had taken tubbo hostage, offered eret a chance to betray them all, who had been the man in tommys walls and offering money to tubbo and jack to try and get them to destroy things, who tried to get tommy to kill tubbos villagers. dream, who took tommys discs over and over, who killed tommy twice in one day, who stopped caring about his friends that loved him and were so so loyal. dream, who helped schlatt and pushed wilbur deeper into his spiral, who even then tried to manipulate tommy.

dream, who helped destroy l'manburg the first and second time, who took advantage of tubbo so he could have a premeditated kidnapping of tommy. dream, who abused tommy, physically, psychologically, emotionally. dream, who degraded tubbo and had taken ranboos memory book (which btw, since ranboos memory loss counts as a mental disability with the memory book as his aid, thats dream taking the thing that aids ranboo in dealing with his disability).

dream, who had been the reason l'manburg was created. dream, who got to destroy l'manburg three times. dream won. and techno and phil dont regret it, dont care.

maybe l'manburg was never meant to be. and sure, it started with stealing and an attempt to monopolize on potions but. that wasnt even l'manburg then, was it? it was just wilbur and tommy having fun. l'manburg came after. after the police hurt them. l'manburg started as a silly little revolution, led by a naïve man who thought he could win wars by saying no. it was a place for a family, a place for them to escape from dream. it was a place to try and escape the harm of those outside the walls. it was meant to be safe, even if those against them made it hard to be. it was made from love. it was meant to be happy. it was a symphony, however unfinished.

so. i don't know. i just feel, bad. they never really won, did they? tragedy after tragedy, death after death, destruction after destruction, betrayal after betrayal, hurt after hurt. and now what's left of them, really? out of the founders, erets doing the best and even shes doing awful, forever trying to make up for what he did. tubbos paranoia led him to developing nukes in a desperate attempt to stay safe, because he was taught to stay quiet and keep his emotions to himself, because his death was "justified", because nukes and walls and weapons are the only way he can feel safe anymore.

tommy went through months of abuse, lost all of his lives and suffered upon coming back, suicidal but unable to bring himself to do it because limbo is worse, feeling lost and like he has no family anymore other than wilbur, who he knows is hurting him but cant bring himself to leave, who loved lmanburg so so dearly and only wanted a home, still doesnt have one (tommy from everywhere, tommy from nowhere at all). niki who loved lmanburg and wilbur so much that it hollowed her out and made her bitter and shes so used to being spoken over that all she can think to do is raise her voice and get pissed, who cant see wilbur as a good person anymore because shes hurt and hasnt truly recovered and she doesnt know how to cope without being angry.

jack manifold feels forgotten, hes lost all his lives and crawled out of hell and no one truly noticed, he doesnt even believe that niki really cares, hes desperate and has made his purpose to be spiteful and angry because he cant deal with the emptiness that comes when he realizes theres no point. fundys desperate to have friends, family, a partner, anyone thatll love him, anyone thatll keep him safe, slowly killing himself with cigarettes and disowned because of giving too little too late, because he was too little too late.

and wilburs lost himself. spiraling, paranoid. a young, naïve man who wanted to fight swords with words, who wanted to impress his father, who wanted a nation of his own to feel safe, who was so effected by erets betrayal that he cant trust anyone but himself, whose possessive nature eats him from the inside out, desperate for control and unable to let go of the only person he knows loves him unconditionally

all because outside forces kept pushing, kept destroying, kept ruining them and hurting them and traumatizing them and taking away their homes and pets and loved ones. and i just. cant feel happy for the ones that hurt them, i cant feel victorius, triumphant, any of that. i just feel bad that the l'manburgians never got to be a family. i know they arent the best people but shit, i love them anyways, love them because theyre flawed and because theyre *people*, people who tried so so hard and got pushed so so much and. fuck, i cant be happy that the people who loved nature and play fought and laughed by campfires and read poetry and re-enacted theatre and loved each other and wanted to *live* (even if they were willing to die, if it meant giving everyone else a chance).. lost. they lost.

canonical years of work down the drain in one day. records of history gone, now only remembered in full by a traumatized teenager who was taught not to talk about his negative emotions, and even he misremembers some parts. they didnt even lose fairly. they had no chance. they couldnt have prepared for withers, for tnt rain, for the hounds. they were poor, weaker than their opponents, sabotaged by one of their own. thats.. tragic.

doomsday was a tragedy. i cant agree that it was deserved. i cant agree that they had it coming, that they deserved to lose homes and pets and limbs and lives and land because they werent the greatest people around.

a small country of less than 10 people (at both creation and destruction) now a giant crater in the ground, remnants of a parisitic egg taking over the land. and it wasnt even lost fairly. three people were stronger than an entire nation, even with all of its allies. two anarchists working with an abusive tyrant. so, no. doomsday wasnt deserved. people dont deserve tragedy. there were better ways, i truly cant be happy that the way chosen was violence. i cant.

l'manburg's citizens deserved better. they really did. the ends dont justify the means. and god, am i fucking tired of "justice". if justice means choosing violence over love and respect and caring about those less strong than you, i dont wanna hear about it. fuck that man, id rather love and be loved than constantly give a shit about making up for hurting others by getting hurt, thats stupid and cruel and i cant see it as okay on a moral level. not when the people that got hurt deserved to be loved and cared about and protected and *talked to* instead of constantly shot down.

of course for the narrative i can enjoy violence and characters getting hurt and i do like how "real" it all is, the despair and dissonance in tone and how terrifyingly messy it all is. out of story perspective- honestly rather cool even if it makes me feel bad. in story perspective- holy fucking shit no that wasnt deserved and god i hope everyone hurt will be able to heal and learn to love and be loved again because thats such a terrifying thing to go through. from a detached pov i can appreciate the insight into everyone involved and i like the plotlines that came from it, but from a compassionate pov i just wish the l'manburgians were allowed to be happy and treated as equals so they didnt have to go through all of this

[thewrldx]

heat waves | r.c

!warnings: angst? drug abuse, breakup, swearing, toxic relationship & didn’t proof read :D

navigation | obx masterlist

song: heat waves - glass animals

“don’t wanna but i think about you, you know that i’m never gonna lose, road shimmer wiggling the vision.”

rafe cameron was a drug addict, it’s ultimately the reason you are no longer together. but that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have a piece of your heart, he does and probably always will. you don’t want to think about him, fuck, you want to think about anything but him. one second your completely over him the second, you’re driving down the road which is dark and slick from the rain that has been pouring. the road shimmers almost as a ray of light shines through making it distorted. you go back to the time where you kissed rafe in the pouring rain, back to the rafe you loved.

“sometimes all i think about is you. late nights in the middle of june.”

you hated nights like tonight, staring at the ceiling wondering what if? or why? it was a chore thinking about him and sometimes that’s all that you could do. it didn’t help that when the seasons changed bringing summer back to you.

june was a special month for you. key word was. you and rafe had an off an on relationship until one summer, the middle of june, he asked you to be his.

“shut up rafe.” you gasped at his words, his cheesy grin making you smile even wider, “are you serious?!” he wraps his arms around your waist gently.

“i mean it y/n, i want you to be mine. forever.”

you blinked away the tears threatening to fall as you remembered the memory. here you were again, middle of june but this time you weren’t celebrating, you were dreading every single second that passed by.

“heat waves been faking me out, can’t make you happier now.”

though you never believed rafe cameron would make a second thought about you ever since he left, you were wrong. he would of course, never admit it, but nights when the heat was too much for him to sleep he’d toss and turn and remember what it was like to be with someone who cared about him. someone who would open the window or turn the ac higher to help him rest, but he sold that for drugs. not that he’s proud of the choice, but he doesn’t know if he regrets it. he knows he can’t make you happy, not they way you want him too.

he got caught up to fast, once a month to once a week to once a day. it wasn’t healthy and he knew this, but he had a new addiction that he couldn’t break. so inside he broke you.

“usually i put something on tv so i never think about you and me.”

you sighed, flicking through the channels you have rewatched over and over again, trying to distract yourself from the nagging thought you always had.

it was hard, unbelievably hard when every single fucking thing reminded you of him.

“you just need a better life than this, you need something i could never give.”

“rafe please just come live with me already.” you sighed, rubbing at your temples lightly. this argument is reoccurring but still makes your head pound.

“god y/n it’s just not that fucking simple okay?” he shouts at you.

“why? tell me why rafe. tell me why it can’t be simple? because i won’t let you sniff a line everyday?”

he stays silent knowing your words are true. he knew he needed to leave and that staying with you would make his life easier, but he made up every excuse not to abandon his toxic household and stay with you because he knew he would have to quit, and he wasn’t ready for that. he didn’t ever want to be ready for that.

“i’m just trying to give you a better life. a second chance.” you break the silence, he looks up at your briefly and you swear you see a small spark but it quickly fades to anger.

“i don’t need shit. like you give me anything anyways.”

you couldn’t take it anymore, you were done trying to give someone something they didn’t want. you could never give him something.

“you can’t fight it, you can’t breathe, you say something so loving but now i’ve got to let you go, you’ll be better off with someone new.”

your breakup was kind of mutual in a way. you knew that rafe was too into drugs to be invested in you or your needs. anxiety and stress level were becoming more difficult than ever for you and sometimes you couldn’t even fight back the panic attacks you would get. feeling so trapped like you could breathe inside your skin, yet the sound of rafe’s voice was so soothing.

“y/n angel.” he whispered in your hair. he had found you on the bed, tears streaming down your face as you had your first panic attack.

“rafey.” you whimpered, voice cracking. he held you tighter.

“you don’t have to talk right now, it’s okay.”

but you had to leave, and rafe knew this too. though he had the words to make you feel instantly better, he also had the words to crush your heart into a million pieces.

“god you’re such an annoying bitch sometimes. cant you ever just get over yourself.” the words stung your heart, making your eyes burn and the sensation of tears threatening to escape them. rafe knew you deserved better than him. he was a shitshow that couldn’t recover. maybe he could push you away?

“i don’t want to be alone, you know it hurts me too. you look so broken when you cry, one more and then i’ll say goodbye.”

rafe never lets the memory of you crying that night out of his head. you looked so broken from him not being able to control his substance abuse. he hated being alone, even though that’s what he was most of the time.

the convo you were dreading was finally here, the breakup. you felt it coming, you both did but you tried to avoid it as much as possible. you loved rafe, and he had learned to love you. you wanted to be with him but you also knew you both couldn’t hold back anymore.

“i don’t want this.” he stated calmly, something that doesn’t happen very often anymore. all your conversations-if you could even call them that, involved some type of yelling.

“me either, but we need it.” your words were clear and truthful.

“i know.” you both looked at each other, his hand gently reaches up toward your cheek, wiping a stray tear that you hadn’t even noticed had fallen.

“can i kiss you? one more time?” you nodded. the kiss was gentle, something like your first. it was there and then it was gone.

“goodbye y/n, for now.”

“goodbye rafe, for now.”

[boognish-worshipper]

ok so like i had this idea for a while n it took me MONTHS to finish bc i was nvr content w/ my writing n whatnot yadda yadda yadda anyway,, this is basically a what if thing about the triads shooting trevor in ludendorff n michael realizing how dumb he is

(my apologies that it’s so fuckin looooooong but I didn’t wanna leave it on a short note that felt incomplete. hope y’all like it !!!!! sorry for any grammatical errors or if the formatting’s funky)

//

Why didn’t he realize it sooner? Was he stupid? No, no. He was just blind. Blind for the past 10 years. Who knows. Maybe even longer than that. Fucking Michael. It always came back to that venomous shithead, constantly ruining everything for him. Did he just... forget? Was he so focused on that bloodsucker when he was “dying” in front of him he completely forgot Brad got shot first? That Brad died first? He didn’t even really think about him when shit went down. Or care much about Brad in general for that matter. The guy was a dick who just worked with other dicks back in the day, eventually joining their motley crew. A fading memory more than anything. His primary focus had always been Michael, who he thought was his right hand man. Trevor always knew that there was something different about him. As frustrating as Michael could be, it still didn’t change how he felt deep down. Michael wasn’t like the others. Or at least, that’s what he had thought. The night he found out that Michael’s lie ran deeper than he led on was one he wouldn’t forget.

He arrived at Michael’s house in a short amount of time. Hopping up the steps he made his presence known, standing in the entrance of the living room. He plopped down next to Michael, who scooted away from him slightly, still not ready for close contact from Trevor.

“Family ain’t back yet, huh?”

“Nope.”

“She’s a Goddamn fool, man.”

Trevor was never one to hide his jealousy towards Amanda. The two had been going at it for years, and it was always regarding Michael. Catty behavior between two people who had complicated relationships with the man, in their own unique ways. Amanda was scared of Trevor, but was never afraid of talking shit to his face. It was never any serious threats whenever they shot petty quips at one another anyway. She knew Trevor would never kill or harm her, all thanks to Michael, who spoke up again.

“Despite all the chaos of these last few weeks, I think I finally figured it out… I know, it sounds ridiculous-“

To Trevor, the thought wasn’t ridiculous. He knew Michael would never change. He would always be a killer, a man of action through and through. He was wasting away on a couch, rewatching classic Vinewood every night. To him, it only seemed right for Michael to keep taking scores.

“You’re back man!” He proclaimed, emphasizing his next line, “We are back!”

With excitement in his eyes, Trevor went on to boast about the little clique they had formed, and how they only needed to bust Brad out to fully reunite. Michael looked solemn, shaking his head slightly.

“That’s not it. I got money, it just makes you miserable-“ Now it was his turn to have excitement shine in his eyes.

“I wanna make movies.”

“Great. That’s great… and uh, so where exactly does this leave me in the second act of your life?”

He felt his stomach sink somewhat, regretting having asked that question. Michael would always tiptoe around it, avoiding the inevitable. But he couldn’t run from the past anymore. It would always catch up to him.

“This is not a game to me! Alright? This is a fuckin’ way of life.”

“I got a fuckin’ family!”

“Yeah, well, I got nothin’! No one gives a fuck about me!”

There was a pause. A hesitation. Amber eyes looked sorrowfully yet savagely into pale blue ones.

“I do.”

Something in Trevor snapped hearing those words. He couldn’t stand the audacity of Michael saying that to him. Because to him, Michael didn’t seem to give a fuck about what happened to Trevor. No matter how many times he lamented to him about everything he went through.

“Oh… Fuck you.”

Trevor rose from his seat, beginning to pace around the room, stabbing a finger in Michael’s direction. He did nothing but stare between his feet, not bothering to look up at Trevor.

“I saw your grave. I mourned you. And then it turns out that everything I fucking thought about you was wrong. Everything! You’re not dead, and you’re not a man.”

Michael shot up from his seat, cool demeanor abandoned in a fit of anger.

“Well, what the fuck are you?”

“I’m your fucking nightmare!”

“Yeah, enough with your Goddamn threats!”

Trevor did nothing but scoff at him, backing away like he was about to leave the room. Instead, some kind of alarm went off in his head, urging him to stay and ask the question he pushed far into the back of his mind. The inevitable was happening, and he couldn’t ignore the need to ask anymore. If Michael himself stood before him alive as ever, then who the fuck was in Michael Townley’s grave? Then suddenly, and ultimately, it clicked for him. Fucking Brad.

“You treacherous piece of shit! You’re fuckin’ dead! You’re fucking dead!”

As it clicked for Trevor, it clicked for Michael.

“Oh, fuck! Trevor! Hey, T!”

He peeled out of the driveway in Michael’s car. God, it smelled just like that fucking prick. It made him want to cry.

“Fuck!” He screamed out to no one in particular.

He slammed on the gas and wiped away any forming tears. His phone began to ring and he saw an all too familiar photo appear. Michael. What the fuck could he possibly say or want right now?

“Fuck you.” He spat out.

“Hey, come on. Where you going?”

“You know where I’m going, fuck you!”

The fucking nerve of him to ask that. What was wrong with him? The rest of the conversation wasn’t any better. It sounded like some stupid break up between two teens, as if Michael had cheated on him with some hooker instead of lying about the past decade or so.

“Trevor, come on!”

“Fuck you Michael! Soon enough, I will.”

He was on his way to the air field, and dialed up Ron as soon as he could. He needed to get out of here before Michael could stop him.

“Trevor? It’s great to uh..”

“Is there a plane I can use? Get me across country?”

“Sure! Sure. We got one fueled up for a trip south of the border.”

“I’m taking it.”

“Is everything okay, man?”

“Everything is not okay. Nothing has ever been okay but I’m going up there to see it for myself. I’m going to see an old friend alright? If you’re where I think you are buddy...”

Trevor gripped the steering wheel harder until his knuckles turned white. Tears stung his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to let it out.

“I don’t know why I didn’t see it. I guess.. I guess I didn’t want to. Fuck!”

He clutched his phone tightly as he spoke, cracking the already shattered screen more. His voice was faltering, and it became harder to speak clearly.

“Maybe I knew all along. I’m gonna find out for sure and I’m gonna... do something about it! God there was always something wrong with that job, what went down after I guess I-“

The tears made their way down his face. His voice trembled and threatened to crack.

“I guess I wanted to believe- Fucking.. Fucking flea circus!”

He couldn’t hold it in any longer. Too many things began to resurface. Seeing red, he just cried out to Ron, still on the phone patiently listening to him rant.

“Idiot! Idiot! Idiot!”

“I’m sorry Trevor...”

He slammed on the gas as he approached the airfield. Running over to the plane, he hopped in and began his journey to Ludendorff. As he left, storm clouds poured in and darkened the sky. A thick rain accompanied by the thunder and lighting combo shook the small plane he was in. He braced himself for the rest of the trip there and kept going.

Ludendorff was just like he remembered. Cold, empty, and super fucking depressing. Why was the midwest like this all the time? Sure, living it up in Sandy Shores wasn’t the most ideal but for fucks sake, at least it was warm. He pulled up to the cemetery shortly after landing, and hurried off to find that God forsaken grave. After glancing at each passing gravestone, there it was. The late great Michael Townley’s place of burial.

“Who you got in here..?”

He scoffed, knowing his answer.

“As if I need to ask...”

It took forever to reach the coffin. The wood was brittle, which meant it would be easy enough to pry open and see who was actually in Michael’s place. He had been so caught up in his digging he didn’t notice a set of steps coming at him.

“You’re wasting your time.”

Trevor was wasting his time? No, he was making perfectly good use of it. Michael was wasting his if anything. Flying all the way out here for what? No, don’t say it... Was it finally gonna happen? Was Michael waiting for the opportunity to finally take a pop at him and leave his carcass for good? To toss him right into the grave with Brad? He didn’t want to believe so but hey, it’s Michael. Who knows what he’ll do. He couldn’t bear to listen to another word that came out of his mouth, and knew he needed to get the jump on him.

“You reptilian motherfucker!”

How did it end up here? Why was he pointing a gun at Michael? What the fuck was he doing? He didn’t want to kill him. He never did, even if he had a million justifiable reasons to.

“I didn’t want it to have to come to this.”

There it was again. The fucking lying. That same exact fucking lying that got them here to begin with.

“Yes you did! You just don’t have the fucking balls to do it! But I do!”

But Trevor was also a hypocrite. He didn’t have it in him to ever go through with killing Michael. No matter what the son of a bitch did to him, he meant too much to Trevor for him to ever consider killing the man himself. He didn’t want to think about being the cause of him dying for good.

“I’ve got more to lose than you!”

“Never a truer word has been spoken, brother.”

He said that with as much malice as he could muster. Michael was the farthest fucking thing from being a brother. This was a man he had loved. Hell, still loved, despite it feeling more and more like a stranger before him with each encounter they had.

“Now.. pull the fucking trigger.”

The air was too still. It was choking him, making him feel frozen. Sure, weather played a part in the feeling but this... was different. His blood felt like ice. He couldn’t do it.

“You ain’t got the guts.”

Neither of them could do it. Even if he fired he knew he’d miss. Michael had the upper hand here.

“Take the fucking shot!”

Wait. Was Michael... crying? No. No way the great Michael fucking Townley was actually crying over this. That motherfucker. He’s such a fucking fraud. A coward. Always running. Running from Trevor, his past, his problems, his family and his fucking emotions.

His train of thought had been interrupted when he heard snow faintly crunching not too far from them.

“What was that?-“

A noise shot through the tense air that surrounded them. Woosh. Fuck. No. It couldn’t be- Ow. No. No fucking way. He looked down in awe and there it was, a distinct bullet hole, pierced through his torso. It nearly missed his heart, but was most certainly in a spot to do enough damage to him. He looked back up at Michael, mouth slightly agape leaking with the blood that began to pool in his mouth. Peaking behind him, he saw two figures lingering far behind. The fucking Triads. Of course, how could he forget? It’s not everyday you slam the head of a Chinese mobster’s son into a post. Fucking shit. If only he hadn’t messed with Tao…

He was fucked, and he didn’t know what to do. All he knew was that he felt himself wanting to collapse on the ground. Michael looked at him in pure disbelief, eyes wide enough to pop from his head. Normally Trevor would giggle at the sight, but any noise from him would be a gurgle of blood in place of it.

“…Trevor?”

That was enough to knock him to the ground.

“Mr. Phillips! Mr. Cheng wants a word with you!”

Michael whipped his head back, and began dragging the two of them to cover. Was that supposed to be a fucking warning shot?? The one who shot Trevor spoke in Chinese to the other gunman, then spoke in English to the duo.

“Phillips! You and your boyfriend cannot hide from us!”

Michael grabbed his gun and started firing back, clipping the two in the front instantly.

“Trevor… what the fuck did you get into?! What are they on about? I… I’m not…”

Trevor couldn’t speak. He could only murmur at the man beside him.

“Trevor, seriously, you better answer me because I’m pretty fucking lost here-“

He angrily turned his head back to find Trevor on the verge of slipping out of consciousness, his face dropping at what was before him.

“Ah, Trevor! Shit!”

Before Michael could help him out, a van burst through the gate to the left, and more yelling ensued.

“Get out the van! Go find them!”

Michael panicked, pushing his gun into Trevor’s limp hands so he could grab the dead Triad henchman’s sturdier gun. He fired and clipped a few more men, trying his best to keep an eye on Trevor. His breathing was shallow, and he attempted to prop himself up so he could fire at them too.

“Trevor, what the fuck is going on? Who are these guys?”

“It’s the fucking,” He winced, pushing himself onto his knees so he could grab the side of the grave they hid behind. He spit out some blood that leaked from his mouth, staining the snow beneath them.

“The God damn Chinese, sugar tits.”

“Why are they-“

“Ask questions later, I’m fucking bleeding out here.”

Trevor forced himself to fully stand, his legs wobbling slightly. He fired a few more rounds, face contorted in pain. Another bullet flew by him, grazing his side.

“Fuck! Ow!” He growled.

“T, what in the hell are you doing?! Get down!”

“Fuck off you fucking leech! I can-“ He spit out more blood.

“I can handle this myself!”

He groaned, keeping his aim as still as he possibly could, which wasn’t very still at all. Stubborn as ever, Trevor went in guns blazing. He used not only the gun Michael had forced into his hands, but also the one he had brought with him. Several more shots fired at him until he felt a hand yank him back to the ground. He fell with a slight thump, and pain jolted through him again.

“You crazy bastard! We’re getting the fuck out of here, but that can’t exactly be accomplished if you’re dead!”

“Oh please! You already want me dead you fat fucking snake!” He wheezed out.

“Jesus Christ- Trevor. I already told you-“

“Shit, Mikey-”

Before either one could do anything about it, a Triad that had snuck up on them pistol whipped Michael in the back of the head. Trevor scrambled backwards and attempted to get on his feet, but to no avail. In a last minute effort, he lifted Michael’s gun and fired. For someone who was labeled a lousy shot by his partner, he felt that Michael would’ve been proud of his aim at that moment in time. A clean shot, right between the fucker’s eyes. He grinned slightly, adrenaline still coursing through him. He barked out a laugh, forgetting how much of a chore it was to allow any noise to escape him. It caused him to break into a coughing fit, spitting up more blood onto the snow. He looked from the small circle of blood that formed in front of him, back to Michael’s limp body. He shoved him slightly, trying to nudge him back into consciousness.

“Mikey. Michael. Get up. We gotta go like you said-“

He heard another van pull up. Then another. Fuck.

“You gotta be shitting me..”

Trevor, disregarding his wounds weakening him to the point his vision grew spotty, swapped his handgun for the gun Michael grabbed. He tried his best to prop the other man up against a grave, well out of the Triad’s line of sight. He pushed through any pain he felt, still riding his adrenaline high, wiping the rest of them out one by one. He rushed back over to Michael, who was stirring awake.

“Michael, for fucks sake get up already! Jesus I’m still fucking bleeding and I have to save your ass right now? Come on!”

He was finally able to stand, and Trevor slung Michael’s arm around his shoulder, helping him regain his balance. They helped one another walk through the mess of snow, blood, and bodies to get to the rental car, which surprisingly was still in alright shape. Across the train tracks, one more van started to pull up, right before the nightly train passed through town.

“Haha! Thank you train for being useful this time!”

He forgot how much it hurt to laugh, clutching his side and muttering curses under his breath as the two raced over to the car. Michael hopped in the driver’s seat after placing Trevor in the passenger’s side. Trevor’s adrenaline rush began to die down along with the rest of him. Michael raced out of the cemetery, narrowly escaping the left over henchmen. Glancing over at Trevor, he realized how shit of a shape he was in. Despite not living in North Yankton in close to 10 years, he still remembered where all the nearby hospitals were. It wasn’t ideal, considering what they were doing up there and who they were and what not, but it was better than having Trevor die on the spot.

“Hey, don’t you fucking die on me right now buddy. There’s no way you ain’t surviving the shit show we just went through, which only happened thanks to you.”

Trevor asked himself why Michael was still giving him snide remarks about his unruliness. He figured now wasn’t the time to really argue, but still tried nonetheless.

“You… fuckin’ snake.. you think you’re so..”

“I’m so what Trevor? No you know what- Don’t speak right now, but try to stay awake, please?”

“Mmph..”

The ride out of Ludendorff was quiet. The radio was off, and neither one chose to speak. Michael of course was driven mad by the silence.

“…Look. Trevor I- I fucked up. There’s nothing I can do now to fix it, no matter how many times I apologize. But you do- You do know that I cared about you then, and I care about you now…”

Trevor did nothing but grunt in response, eyelids heavy. Michael sighed.

“We’re almost to a hospital. They’ll fix you up good, and- and you’re gonna be fine. You ain’t dying on me yet. I mean- you’ve survived worse? You.. I…”

He huffed out a breath, gripping the steering wheel tight. The rest of the ride was silent, save for Michael making sure Trevor was still alive and conscious. They made it to the hospital, with Michael carrying him fireman style, seeing as Trevor was very lanky compared to him. He called out for someone to help, using his gift of lying to say that Trevor was just shot by a random mugger, so the report back wouldn’t seem too suspicious. He patiently waited for word back from a doctor, eventually seeing someone come to him with a clip board.

“Are you… Franklin?”

Michael had been smart enough to give them both fake names, but he just blurted out the first two names that came to mind. Right now, he went by Franklin, and for all they knew Trevor was Lamar.

“Yes, that’s me.”

“Your friend is in critical condition, but you got him here just in time. Any later and he wouldn’t have made it.”

The last sentence caused Michael’s ears to ring.

“He’s going to be out of surgery soon, the bullet wound was pretty deep.” The doctor narrowed their eyes slightly, getting ready to write the report down.

“You said that he was mugged?”

“Yeah. The guy fired at him and ran off. Didn’t get a good look at his face.”

“Hmm… well alright. I’ll let you know when your friend is ready for visitors.”

The rest of the night was painfully slow. By the time Trevor was out of surgery, he was still hopped up on morphine, allowing him to rest properly for the first time in forever. Michael sheepishly walked in, careful not to be too loud. He made his way over to Trevor’s side, sitting in the seat next to his bed. He hadn’t seen Trevor look so content like that in so long. Not since... those days. He spoke to himself, seeing as Trevor was fast asleep.

“You worry me so much you dumbfuck… why do you pull the shit you pull? I mean.. shit. I… I love you, man. I do. But what if you died without ever hearing that from me again? Is that the reason why you get like this? Shit. Right. I’m such a fucking idiot.”

Besides everything about Ludendorff, it angered Trevor to his core that Michael could never admit he loved Trevor unless he was drunk or alone. In this instance, he technically was. Trevor was peacefully dreaming, while Michael felt restless. He proceeded to fumble around for his cellphone to reach out to Franklin, who had been wondering what happened to them. He knew Franklin would probably be up anyway.

Yo Mike, where u at? Trevor too, Lamar n I gotta do one last job wit him.

F

Currently in North Yankton kid. Trev found out about Brad. Some Chinese gangsters rolled on us, T got shot. Be home soon hopefully.

M

Oh shit. Stay safe out there homie. See u soon ig.

F

Michael let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, looking back up at Trevor. He tried to think about what he would do next. Knowing that visiting hours were limited, he felt a twinge of guilt knowing he’d have to leave Trevor alone for a night after what happened. But it was late, and he couldn’t stay there overnight. He figured he’d have to bunk in some cheap motel for the time being. Just until Trevor and him were ready to leave North Yankton. He spoke to the doctor from before to let them know he would come back the next morning. When he arrived at the nearest shit motel, he still couldn’t find it in him to sleep. He was tired, sure, but his mind wouldn’t allow him to drift off. Even if he did, he would find himself jolting awake, the scene of Trevor getting shot playing over and over in his head. He’d almost been responsible for Trevor’s death once, he couldn’t let it happen for real. What would he do anyway if he did die? He quickly brushed the thought off, not wanting to consider the possibilities.

He returned to the hospital the next morning, half awake from the lack of sleep. Visiting hours were early, and he wanted to get them both out of here as fast as he could. Walking to Trevor’s room, he saw the man sitting upright looking out the window. North Yankton may have been cold as a bitch, but from time to time it had real pretty sunrises. He knocked lightly on the door, and Trevor turned to face him.

“Hey, T…”

He couldn’t read the expression on his face.

“I thought you left.”

“Visiting hours are limited, T. You should know that by now.”

He didn’t say anything in response, facing back towards the window instead. Michael sat down in one of the chairs across from him.

“You.. you worried me. I thought-“

“You thought what, cupcake? That I’d just die on the spot, and you could just leave my dead body there-“

“Trevor! For the last time that wasn’t my fucking plan!”

Their voices steadily increased above the normal level it should’ve been for a hospital setting.

“Then why did you have a fucking gun, huh Mikey?”

“I could ask the same for you!”

“Oh of course, turn the situation onto me again-“

“You brought a gun for what, Trevor?!”

“That’s not the issue at hand here!”

“Yes it is!”

A voice chimed into their argument.

“Excuse me. You,” A nurse who walked in pointed at Trevor.

“You need to rest. And sir, I’m not sure who you are, but if you want to stay as a visitor I suggest you lower your voice and behave.”

The two men looked at each other angrily before sitting back down. The nurse exited, most likely wanting to return later so Michael could discuss discharging him. Silence filled the room briefly.

“T… I meant what I said.” His voice had dropped to a whisper.

Trevor didn’t look him in the eye. His arms were crossed, and he just looked out the window.

“I could’ve lost you.”

The other man still said nothing.

“I could’ve lost you and you would’ve died not knowing I..” He trailed off.

Trevor turned back to look at Michael while speaking.

“Knowing what? You hiding something else from me, porkchop?”

“I…”

“Spit it the fuck out Mikey or I swear to God-“

“I love you.”

His felt his stomach twist uncomfortably, and his hands became clammy. He finally forced the words out, sober.

“I love you.” He repeated, shutting his eyes so he wouldn’t have to look at Trevor while saying it. He chose to look at his feet instead.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say it sooner. And I just.. kept thinking that you could’ve died not hearing that from me ever again.”

He didn’t notice it at first, but tears brimmed his eyes. Trevor’s scowl fell and his face softened.

“What?” Was all he could choke out.

“Don’t.. don’t make me say it again.” He said, face flushing red.

“You..” Trevor didn’t finish his sentence. He shuddered in his seat, ready to cry himself. He buried his face in his hands, muffling something incoherent.

“What?”

He lifted his head up, tears streaking his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry, Michael.”

“Sorry for what?”

“For.. being like this.”

Trevor was a lot of things. You couldn’t just describe him in only one word. Michael tried sifting through the options of what he meant.

“I pushed you so hard back then I.. I thought I was losing you. I didn’t want to. All it did was make you want to leave even more.” Trevor kept sniffling.

“Trev…”

“Why Michael? Why do you do this to me?”

He wanted to ask him “Do what?”, but they both knew the answer. Michael never let his feelings be more than surface level. He was repressed and Trevor hated it. Trevor continued to cry, and the tears that Michael held in spilled.

“Hey.. don’t… don’t apologize, T. Please.”

“I..” He hiccuped.

“I’ve loved you for so long. Why couldn’t you have done the same?”

Michael kept his head down. He didn’t want to see the heartbroken expression on Trevor’s face. It only made him feel worse.

“You left me.”

“I didn’t want to.”

“But you still did. Telling me that doesn’t change anything. You became another person in my life that I loved and then you left. Same as always for me.”

Everything Trevor loved was always out of his reach. Flying, his mother, Michael, Patricia… He could go on. Nothing was ever gonna be permanent for him.

“But I’m here for you now, T. I’m not going anywhere.”

He finally looked up to see Trevor’s sad eyes burning a hole right through him. His silence told him it’d be a long while before he could believe his words.

“Now.. uh. Let’s get the fuck outta this place.”

It didn’t take long for Trevor to be discharged. The doctors had told him he should stay for another day or so, but only got an irritated response from Trevor. Figuring the duo wouldn’t budge on wanting to leave, he was signed off for clearance. They eventually found the plane Trevor flew in on, and made their way out of the state. Neither one knew if this would change anything between them, but Trevor felt more at ease around him. It would still take time and effort for any left over wounds to heal, but for right now, Trevor was content.

[coolnerdyandalone]

on FIMQ deleting her content and COVID-19 (and a gratuitous larry fic rec)

@freddiesmyqueen first of all queen i hope you’re doing ok although i know some shit must have gone down for you to delete/private list all your videos and i hope you know that the larry community supports you always. Also your talent is TRULY unmatched in the world of video editing - no one makes edits quite like you and that’s why your loss impacts the community so profoundly. 

secondly, i know at least i was hoping to turn to rewatching all of FIMQ’s videos while i’m being quarantined due to the coronavirus. and i’m willing to bet that i’m not the only one. this is a scary time and for people like me who feel profoundly alone right now, the only way for me to calm my nerves and fears is by reverting to the content and community that helped me feel not so alone when i was in middle and high school. For me, that looks like watching FIMQ videos and reading my favorite larry fanfics (which i will also link below).  because of this i thought it might be helpful to repost some links that were posted by @bluemoonlarryandkaylor for a signal boost (if my teeny-tiny account can be called a signal boost). 

link to a google drive with FIMQ videos: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ONwfLOd_IYvAL5OUDqDb_LLgQsDpd9il

link to an acct with some FIMQ re-uploads: https://www.youtube.com/user/Joana3961/videos

link to FIMQ vids with spanish subtitles: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLIouodFhArMkQhOHxv2t2NgxTwl6KvXAT

and now if you want to look at some good old fashioned larry fics that are my ABSOLUTE faves and could 100% be actual novels/movies, keep reading:

And Then A Bit** by @infinitelymint aka the best fanfic ever written (basically larry fakes a relationship for publicity with each other and it could be cannon if you really wanted to hope upon hopes): https://archiveofourown.org/works/1415272/chapters/2972746 (159k)

“We’d like to give the fans what they want.” Magee states, placing his hand on the table in front of him and leaning forward. “We want to give them Larry Stylinson.”

Or, take a parallel universe where Louis and Harry were never together, mix in a two year hiatus and an impending comeback, pour in a dash of lost fans, two tablespoons of strong friendship and a Modest! employee with a good idea. Add a squeeze of pretending to be a couple, lots of kisses and a tattoo or two. Stir. Serve: the mother of all publicity stunts.

(aka Harry and Louis fake a relationship for publicity. Eventually it becomes a lot less fake and a lot more real.)

Escapade** by @haydolce aka the Jack McQueen fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4034197/chapters/9071932 (146k)

In the grand scheme of things, finding a date for a wedding should be no problem for Louis Tomlinson. He's rich. He's handsome. He's reasonably well behaved. But when the wedding is for his lifelong best friend (and former boyfriend), and is happening in under a month, finding a date for the ceremony and accompanying festivities becomes more of an adventure than he ever could have planned for.

California Sold** by @isthatyoularry​ : https://archiveofourown.org/works/5157680/chapters/11877494 (123k)

Notoriously closeted boyband member Harry Styles is famous on a global scale, meanwhile Louis, as his best friend, is back home in Manchester, living the typical life of a 24 year old. When Harry needs Louis with him in LA, a publicity stunt gone wrong changes their friendship forever.

A fake-relationship AU between two lifelong best friends.

Bring Your Body Baby (I Could Bring You Fame) by @theboyfriendstagram : https://archiveofourown.org/works/4263903/chapters/9652944 (84k)

Eighteen year old Harry Styles just graduated high school and landed a summer job as a waterboy for his favorite football team. His job description is simple: be ready to hand water and towels to players if needed. That didn’t seem to include Louis Tomlinson though, a twenty-three year old, recently transferred Paris Saint-German player, who seems to like making Harry’s job much more difficult than it has to be.

OR  

A self-indulgent AU that takes place over the summer of 2015. 18 year old Harry hates pining after people he can't have, and 23 year old footballer Louis loves flirting with people even though it never means anything.

Pull Me Under** by @zarah5 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/870766/chapters/1672104 (140k)

AU. As the first British footballer to come out at the prime of his career, it helps that Louis Tomlinson is in a long-term, committed relationship. Even if that relationship is fake. (Featuring Niall as Louis' favourite teammate, Liam as Louis' agent, and Zayn as Liam's boyfriend, who just happens to be good friends with one Harry Styles.) 

You You You** by @isthatyoularry : https://archiveofourown.org/works/846690/chapters/1617212 (137k)

“Infamous boybander leaves club together with unknown,” read the headline. Underneath were pictures of a boy with dark curls, green eyes and very tight pants. They both studied the article for a moment, reading it through quickly. “Is that…?” Louis frowned. That guy almost looked exactly like... "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" "Louis," Niall said, looking absolutely fucked over. "You just fucked the most wanted guy on earth. You just fucked Harry Styles of One Direction."

Or, the one where Harry and Louis meet at a club and Louis takes Harry home, only for him to realize that the boy who just made him breakfast half naked is Harry Styles from One Direction.

Like an Endless Summer by @horsegirlharry : https://archiveofourown.org/works/11365494/chapters/25442085 (87k)

“You just wanna go fawn over Styles as soon as possible,” Zayn grumbles.

“I do not. Plus, he probably got ugly this year. Eighteen is an awkward time...I bet he’s got acne and one of those terrible fuckboy haircuts all the hipsters are getting these days, with the shaved sides? Just watch, the first year we’re gonna get any time together is gonna be the first year I don’t have a stupid crush on him.”

---

Or, Louis is a riding instructor at a summer camp, and Harry is a fellow counselor who he’s been successfully managing his crush on for the last two summers. That is, until Harry shows up this year leveled up and lethal, and all Louis’s formerly perfected veneer of nonchalance melts like a popsicle in the sun.

Three French Hems by @100percentsassy and @gloriaandrews : https://archiveofourown.org/works/3064493 (20k)

In which Louis is a designer at Burberry and Harry spends December wearing Lanvin… and Lanvin… and Lanvin.

The Dead of July aka the Marvel Fic by @whimsicule  : https://archiveofourown.org/works/3594570/chapters/7928520 (117k)

Being an Avenger means continuing to be Captain America and smiling and being honorable for the public and Harry does his best. But it doesn’t give him time to figure out who he is supposed to be once he takes off his uniform and puts the shield to the side. Just being Harry had always involved Louis, and Harry fears he doesn’t know how to exist without him.

or: Harry is Captain America, and Louis’ been dead for 70 years.

Gods & Monsters by  @mizzwilde : https://archiveofourown.org/works/2090982/chapters/4550871 (201k)

The instructions were simple: seduce and destroy Harry Styles. Not once did they discuss the option of Louis actually falling in love. So, naturally, that's exactly what he did.

Love is a Rebellious Bird aka LIARB aka the orchestra fic aka dont hum bolero by @100percentsassy and @gloriaandrews : https://archiveofourown.org/works/1162438/chapters/2362331 (135k)

AU in which the boys still make music. Louis is the concertmaster of the London Symphony Orchestra, Harry is the New! and Exciting! interim conductor/ex-cello prodigy who "has made Mozart cool again" according to Esquire Magazine (Louis hates him immediately, which is definitely why he internet stalked him in his dark bedroom late at night that one time), and Niall is the best. Zayn and Liam are around too.

Don't hum Bolero.

My English Love Affair** by @isthatyoularry​ : https://archiveofourown.org/works/1873962 (19k)

The thing about sleeping with a member of a famous indie band is that the inevitability of having a song written about you is most likely a hundred percent. The second thing is that in the end, nobody's supposed to find out it's about you.

The one where Harry writes a song about his English love affair and Louis sleeps with someone in White Eskimo and all he gets is a stupid song written about him.

Soft Hands, Fast Feet, Can’t Lose by @haydolce : https://archiveofourown.org/works/5799241/chapters/13366498 (113k)

American Uni AU. Harry Styles is a frat boy football star from the wealthy Styles Family athletic dynasty. A celebrity among football fans, he knows how to play, he knows how to party, and he knows how to fuck (all of which is well known among his legion of admirers).

Louis Tomlinson is a student and an athlete, but his similarities to Harry end there. Intelligent, focused, independent, and completely uninterested in Harry’s charms, Louis is an anomaly in a world ruled by football.

A bet about the pair, who might be more similar than they originally thought, brings them together. Shakespeare, ballet, Disney, football, library chats, running, accidental spooning, Daredevil and Domino’s Pizza all blend into one big friendship Frappucino, but who will win in the end?

Wild and Unruly aka the Cowboy fic by @100percentsassy and @gloriaandrews : https://archiveofourown.org/works/2723093/chapters/6099611 (124k)

Harry is a cowboy sitting on the biggest oil reservoir in Wyoming, and Louis is the paralegal assigned to pressure him into selling his land.

For As Long As I Can Remember (It’s Been December)** by @greenfeelings​ : https://archiveofourown.org/works/15051122/chapters/34892210 (128k)

After recovering from a severe accident that causes Harry to lose his memory of three years, he moves to London to start his life over as a star chef. Little does he know that when he falls in love with Louis at first sight, it’s not the first time they meet.

Featuring an unintentional game of hot and cold, Harry chasing memories that won’t come back, Louis burying himself in work to try and forget what he can’t forget, Liam being torn between two of his best friends, Zayn as a moral compass and Niall saving the day with good music and brutal honesty.

the boys of fall** aka the american football fic by @godgavemelou​ : https://archiveofourown.org/works/5443037 (21k)

“And everyone, this is Harry Styles. He’s going to be our starting quarterback this year.”

Louis looks at him, the tall and lanky Harry Styles, and takes it all in. He’s got hair to his shoulders that curls at the ends, tattoos all down his arms, and a bright smile on his face as the team cheers him on. He’s lean and fit, and absolutely beautiful, and Louis hates him to the core.

OR an american football au where the boys play for the university of tennessee, and harry and louis quite hate each other.

** indicates that the fic is a log-in required fic, but if you want the pdf i can send it to you

[pparkerpoetry]

Face Reality (Part 13)

Title: Purple Haze Fills Your Vision (and questions fill your mind)

Summary: Purpled dreams of his past and delves too deep into something he was coded to never find.

!WARNING! mentions of blood, descriptions of blood, implied abuse

Part One

Part Fourteen

Masterlist

_____________

He’d had this nightmare before- he was sure of it. The empty stares, the rising panic. It was all too familiar, but he knew what to do differently this time. He didn’t bother checking on his brothers, he knew there was nothing to be done to save them because they were dead. Karl wasn’t.

Karl looked up like he always did in this recurring nightmare, with shock in his eyes. “How did you do this? You aren’t supposed to-”

“I know I’m not supposed to be able to change time!” Purpled snarled. “What am I?”

Karl just shook his head. “I don’t know, I don’t know, okay? You’re something different-”

The scene changed.

Purpled stood above a portal. There was a sense of yearning in him, reaching for a part of him that didn’t quite exist then. It reached for a part of him that was buried deep inside, and upon finding it burrowed in a place that couldn’t be uncovered yet, grasped to the next best thing, hidden deep in the chests of another dimension. He wasn’t aware of the feeling, but it pulled him to the portal that he knew caused such pain and hurt. The portal called to him, and alone, he wouldn’t have been able to resist it.

The scene changed as he ripped his gaze from the portal to the eyes of another hybrid that it called to.

He was in his cave, the one that he’d built so long ago, before everything. The skull on the outside called to the undead but he found himself alone inside. Just him, the darkness, and the echoes of his footsteps as he let the pitch black comfort him. If he listened, he could hear the sounds of thunder outside, and if he focused, he could see a soft glow coming from… somewhere. He wasn’t sure. 

The scene changed again, this time violent, leaving him with a sick feeling in his stomach.

Purpled stood in his childhood home, watching his past unfold. A littler him stood on the bottom step of a flight of stairs, clutching a large wad of purple fabric that he saw when he looked down. A sweatshirt, given to him by his brother.

His brother, who stood by the door, looking at his little brother. “I’m sorry, Purp, but I’ve gotta go.”

“Why?” was the response, murmured and tearful.

Punz crouched down. “Hey, don’t cry. I’ll be back. It’s just a job, okay? I’ll be back before dad notices I’m gone, and then I’ll come back. You’ll be okay.”

Purpled watched Punz leave through the front door, then could only watch as time sped up, as he grew up, sitting by the door that never opened. Then, all of a sudden, he saw himself get up to open it. He was holding a sword and the innocent look that had been in his eyes was gone. If he focused, he could hear angry yelling and a crash on the other side of the house that covered the creaking of the hinges. 

And, just like that, he was in the Bedwars arena.

He saw himself fighting, learning, watching. He saw himself search for any trace of his brother, just to throw away the paper clipping of a fast-as-a-blur mercenary that terrorized servers. He knew the clues, he knew the signs. He knew his brother.

A lurching feeling twisted in his chest as he was taken to another scene. 

Punz stood, a gold chain around his neck, not a speck of blood on his white sweatshirt. Purpled was staring at him, holding the tears at bay as his hands rested in his purple sweatshirt.

“Purp?”

“Why’d you leave?” He bit out. “What made you leave me alone with dad?”

Punz sighed. “Listen, it’s not personal, I just-”

“Not personal?” He yelled, “I waited everyday for you to get back, and you never did.”

“The job paid well, okay? I was going to find you eventually, I swear.”

“Bullshit.” Purpled spat out. “You like killing people.”

Punz shook his head. “I’m not dealing with this. You’re doing well with yourself, I see the headlines for Bedwars all the time. I gotta dip before this body’s discovered, I’d make yourself scarce.”

And like that, Punz took out a bottle of almost purple liquid and smashed it at his feet, hiding the body and all of himself but his eyes that seemed to glow.

Not a minute later, a man in green that he’d soon be acquainted with ran by. “Hey, kid, you see uh, you see a murder?”

Purpled didn’t bother trying to help his brother. Was there even anything left of him? “He went that way.” Purpled pointed, turning and missing how the masked man tilted his head in response to his broken voice.

His actual self, the one that was dreaming, fell in pain, a gut-wrenching feeling making him cry out as the scene changed again around him. Each change hurt more and more, but the pieces were connecting- where were the last ones? What was the point of all of this?

This time, he was in the memory. He remembered this well, entering the arena feeling confident, everyone warily watching him as he stood at his base for the starting bell. It had even started well, he was winning, until his foot got caught and twisted.

He fell down, gasping as he tried to get back to his bed. He could void and respawn, it’d be fine, he liked the feeling of the wind rustling through his hair as he fell. 

The message pinged that his bed had been destroyed.

His best bet now was to hide until everyone else had fought, but he didn’t make it far with his ankle stinging with every movement. 

He was stabbed in the back, literally, but it wasn’t a normal blade like all of his other losses. Something was different about this one- the wound hurt more, and he wasn’t respawning in the lobby. He coughed, and vaguely heard voices speaking.

“It was a fire aspect sword, do we know if he’s a hybrid? He didn’t have anything listed, but that could be why he’s not healing.”

“Even if he was, we have no clue which type. I was told he was a hybrid, but the person who sent me wouldn’t say-”

He passed out, but when he woke up, the memory was the same. He was in a medical bed, alone. Someone walked into the room, face covered by a red, multi-colored checkered mask. 

“Hello!” He said cheerily. “We’ll be getting out of here soon, and I’ve got a place that you can hang-”

“Who are you?” Purpled asked, “And why are you here? I don’t need a place to stay, thanks.”

“Oh, true.” The man mused. “They did send me to recruit all of the minors, I should probably be a little-”

“Recruit? I’m not interested in a gang, thanks.”

“Oh, no, it’s not a gang. Why don’t we start over? I’m Ponk. There’s a new server and we’d like you to be a part of it.”

Purpled looked at Ponk. He had nothing to lose, maybe this would be the escape from his past that he needed. “What the hell, why not.”

Purpled didn’t need the scene change to know how this ended up. He knew that Ponk was the brother to him that Punz never was. He knew that Ponk had been there when his own blood wasn’t, and he had readily accepted the person that he hoped would always be there. But, Ponk knew how skittish Purpled was, and didn’t search for him when he’d disappeared. Ponk thought it was a choice that he’d made.

The puzzle was almost done, in Purpled’s mind. There were two empty spots, though. A sharp sting in his chest like a wound brought him to his knees, and a voice in his mind seemed to ask if he really wanted to uncover what was coming. Seemed to ask if he really wanted what this digging would bring.

“Yes,” he whispered. “I want to see.”

It hurt, so bad, but maybe not as much as being forced to rewatch the scene in front of him.

Punz stood in front of him, like the day he’d left. This time though, Purpled wasn’t alone. 

“What are you doing here?” Purpled asked. “Why are you here?”

Punz scoffed. “I’ve been here for a while. Why? Can’t handle me around?”

Ponk stepped forward. “Leave him alone.”

“I already have!” Punz yelled. “And it keeps getting worse anyway.”

Purpled couldn’t help but take a step backwards. “What?”

Punz let out a sigh. “Listen, Purpled. You don’t understand what’s going on. There’s a lot that you aren’t aware of-”

“Then help me to understand!”

“We’re always going to be different, Purp.” Punz said coldly, but there was a hint of regret and loss in his voice. “You’ll realize it later, but you’re never going to have a normal life, because there’s a reason we never knew our mother. I had no choice but to make my own path and let you pave yours.” He left after that, leaving nothing but confusion in his wake.

“Ponk? What did he mean?”

But Ponk didn’t have an answer. No one did. Not even Dream, but that might have been because he was already too far gone when Purpled got the courage to approach him.

The pain started up again, this time a burning on his back that made him stagger at the sudden intensity of it. As he felt himself wake up, he was relieved, but he heard the echoes of a voice that wasn’t quite Dream’s that lingered, the person that he was speaking to not visible.

“I’ve never seen their kind before. It sure is a shame you want to hide it from Purpled, but I get it.. If you ban the mob, you gotta ban the hybrid. I have a feeling this is going to bite you later, though. He’s a strong one. He’ll find out eventually.” The voice laughed. “I’m excited to see how this turns out, and I haven’t been excited in a while.”

________________

Purpled lurched awake. He had hoped the pain that he’d felt would fade, but if anything, it’d increased. He clenched his teeth and rolled over onto his stomach.

“Another nightmare?” Sam asked, and Purpled jerked his head up and down in the only response that he could manage. “Purp? You okay?”

“No,” He said, feeling the tears begin to roll down his cheeks. “It all hurts.”

“What, you mean the nightmare was bad? You wanna talk about it?” There went Sam with his father-like worriness.

“No-” He choked. “My body. Hurts.”

Sam frowned. “Oh. I was hoping this would come up a little further down the line, but I guess you really don’t have control over when your hybrid part comes out.”

“My what?” 

“You’re a hybrid.” Sam sighed, moving slowly at first to move Purpled into his lap. “I wish Tommy’d stayed behind today- he’s the one with real experience with growing things.”

“Tubbo-” Purpled started, before getting cut off by a painful gasp.

Sam put a hand in his hair to try to comfort him. “He’s just got horns. You’re growing something… much bigger, I’d say. Of course, I’m not the expert.”

“It hurts like a bitch.” Purpled whimpered, clinging to Sam.

He didn’t hear the stressed laugh that Sam let out because he started to drift back to sleep, but it would be a slumber filled with pain and restless tossing. He wasn’t all the way asleep, but stuck in a hazy in-between that left his mind numb.

In one moment when he was slightly more awake, he could register someone mopping the sweat off of his forehead. “Ponk?” He slurred, because he couldn’t remember where he was. “Ponk, issat you?”

“No,” The voice said. “But he’s on his way. He heard your name and was already packing his bags.”

Oh, yeah. His brain managed. Sam and Ponk are dating.

“No hinky business,” Purpled said, raising a finger that trembled in the air. “This is about me, not you guys.”

“Good to know. Go back to sleep.”

He did. He couldn’t tell how much time was going by, but the pain made him gasp and shudder, so he was woken up periodically. He always fell asleep again from exhaustion or just passed out from pain though, so he wasn’t awake for long. During his snippets of consciousness, he got some words out. They didn’t all make sense, at least not to the people helping him.

“Punz?” Purpled mumbled, reaching out. “Where are you?”

Sam looked over to Ponk, who had arrived a while ago. “Why’s he asking for Punz? I don’t think I’ve ever seen them together.”

“Bad blood.” Ponk shrugged, taking one of Purpled hands. They were on the floor now, since Purpled’s squirming made having him on the couch difficult. “They’re brothers, but all I know is that Punz left home at some point and never came back. I think they were close before it, though. He never talked about it much. I think it hurts him to.”

“They’re brothers?” Sam whispered, then his eyes widened. “Is that why he wasn’t there to say goodbye to Tubbo and Tommy before they went to find Dream? Because he didn’t want to see Punz? Is their relationship that bad?”

Ponk shrugged again. “He never talked to me about it. I think he latched to me, instead, but I would like to see them make up. I just don’t know if it’s possible.”

“Punz?” Purpled’s eyes were glazed over. “I want Punz.”

“No you don’t,” Pink sighed. “You mentioned-”

“I want Punz,” Purpled sobbed. “It hurts so much.”

“Wait-” Sam said, “Are they biological brothers?”

“As far as I know. Does that make a difference?”

“He might know what kind of hybrid they are. It’d make this easier. And, y’know, I’ll ask if he can swing around to say hi. Maybe they’re both hurt but don’t want to admit it.”

Ponk smiled at Sam. “Look at you, you’re such a sweetheart. Helping your sons repair their relationships. DILF material, if you ask me.” He joked.

Sam only darted out of the room with a bright blush dusting his face.

________

Punz had been having an okay day. It was bright outside, so he’d stayed indoors. Sure, it was lonely, but he managed. He’d just barely let his thoughts slip to better times when his communicator rang. Someone was calling him. Who even still remembered he existed? He’d thought it’d been long enough all on his lonesome to be forgotten. Even by his brother, maybe.

No, he sighed. I lost the privilege of calling him my brother years ago. He hates you.

He picked up the call. “Hello?”

“Hey, Punz!” It was Awesamdude. What did he want? “I was just wondering-”

“I’m not taking jobs anymore,” Punz said, rolling his eyes. “Thanks for calling.”

“Wait! I just wanted to ask you some questions about you and Purpled, since you’re his brother.”

Punz froze. “Who told you that we were brothers?”

“Ponk did, but that’s not important. Purpled’s-”

“Is he okay?” Punz asked, ignoring how his heart rose into his throat. He didn’t know what would happen if Purpled wasn’t.

“Listen, it’s, he’ll be okay, but-”

Punz squinted into nothing. “I’ll be right there. Drop the coords.”

He hung up before Sam could say he’d lost the right to see Purpled, like he probably would have. He needed to make sure that Purpled was okay, even if it caused a respawn back to his house. Whatever happened would be deserved, anyway.

It wouldn’t take him long to get there, he was naturally fast, so he wasn’t concerned with time. He flipped up the hood of his sweatshirt to shield his face from the unyielding sun and sighed. He’d have to face his past eventually, why not now?

____________

The next time Purpled woke up, the pain had doubled. He could feel the stabbing sensation whenever he moved at all, but this time, there was a comforting weight keeping him off of the floor.

He already knew who it was. He’d been sick before, and there was only one person who did this. “Punz?” God, his voice sounded so broken. So weak. Vulnerable. Everything he’d trained himself to never show.

“Yeah, Purp. I’m here.”

“You can’t be.” Purpled murmured, still not completely sure he was awake. “You hate me.”

“No,” Came the hushed response. “God, no. I could never hate you.”

Purpled scrunched up his face. “But you left.”

“I wanted a better future for us.” It seemed like that was it, but then more words tumbled. “It was only supposed to be short jobs so that I could go back to you until I had enough to buy our way onto a server that’d take us.” The voice cracked, filled with emotion, “You didn’t deserve to be alone with dad. You didn’t deserve any of the bad things that’ve happened to you. Sam told me about the underground arena- God, Purpled. I’m a horrible brother. I was stressed, and needed more money, and then I had admins on my tail that I couldn’t lead to you… I’m an awful person.”

“A bitch, yeah,” Purpled sighed, sinking closer to sleep, or at least what he thought was sleep. The pain made it hard to tell. “But not a bad person. You tried your best.”

“It wasn’t enough.” Punz sniffled. “And now you’re here, and I never even bothered to mention to you before that we were hybrids. I just… I got so little features I figured you would, too.”

“You did tell me I was a hybrid, but not directly. When we first met here, remember?”

It was quiet as Punz pondered on it. “How do you remember that?”

“I’ve had lots of time to think.” Purpled mused, before hissing as another wave of pain rolled over him. “I’ve been alone a lot.”

“Me too.” Punz shifted uneasily. “I don’t like being alone.”

“Me either. It sucks.” Purpled said, and he almost continued before the pain came back worse than ever. “Punz? What’s happening? Why’s it hurt so much?”

“You’re growing wings, Purp.”

_____________

The actual emergence of the wings wasn’t as painful as Purpled had thought it would be. It hurt, yeah, but it was over pretty quickly, unlike before when they were stretching through his skin. He could tell there was a lot of blood, too, but not by looking. He made sure not to look. He could feel the warmness of the liquid as it spilled down his back, and he tried his hardest to stay awake, but the appeal of sleep pulled him back in.

He was woken up by Tommy’s voice. “Woah, those’re fuckin’ sick!”

Nothing could have convinced him to lift his head up. He was too tired. He’d just slept ages, he thought, but it wasn’t enough. “What?” He mumbled. “You’re too loud.” Purpled managed to turn his head a little, though, so as to look at who was speaking to him.

Tommy pulled a face. “Ugh, you look sick. And not in a good way. Your wings look epic, though.”

______________

Purpled didn’t find out what Tommy had meant until the afternoon, when the three men who’d been looking after him said he could get up. He went to the bathroom to look in the mirror, because he reasoned that it wasn’t fair that everyone got to see them and not him. They were his wings, for crying out loud.

“Fuck,” He muttered. “They do look sick.”

The wings were a weird material that he couldn’t quite place. They looked almost like a bat’s, structure wise, but the actual material looked more delicate. More fragile. It was cool to the touch, and soft, but not feathery. 

He moved them as much as he could in the relatively small bathroom, and peered at his reflection.

His face was a little more sunken than usual. Not so noticeably, but if you looked close enough, you could see hints of purple bags under his eyes. Was his skin a little more grey than it had been? He leaned in towards the glass to look again. 

What was wrong with his eyes? They didn’t look super different, but- he turned off the lights and stayed in the dark for a moment, then turned them back on. Yup. His eyes were glowing. He had wings, he looked like he constantly had one foot in the grave, and his eyes glowed. What was he?

He meandered back out to where everyone was waiting in the living room. “Well?” He asked, spinning around and looking at Punz.

“Well, what?”

“What are we? My eyes are all glowy, and they weren’t yesterday, so clearly something’s up.”

Punz laughed uneasily. “I am… not sure. I’m pretty sure it’s a mob that Dream banned when he made the server. This is the only server I’ve been on, though, so don’t quote me on that. I guess I just never bothered to find out.”

Tommy looked up from the other side of the room, where he sat with Fundy, who was preening his wings. “As reluctant as I am to say it, Phil might know. He’s got his hardcore worlds that he used to always escape to. Sometimes still does.”

“So all the families are getting past issues, huh?” Purpled mused, wandering into the kitchen because fuck, he was hungry.

Tommy squawked. Almost literally. “We don’t have issues, we just… aren’t on the best of terms.”

Purpled laughed. “Yeah, your family hasn’t got any trauma. Shall we expect a christmas card this year?” His laughing turned into a screech as he saw a cat on the counter. “Get that thing out of here!”

Ranboo popped his head in. “What, the cat? I just brought her in. She was hungry. You’re usually fine with the strays I bring in.”

He frantically shook his head as he sped back to the living room to huddle next to Pu- his brother. “Not today. Not cats.”

“So, that’s another trait that you got and I didn’t.” Punz grinned. “I’m fine with cats.”

“Dogs are so much better though,” Purpled argued. “What’s odd about you, then?”

Punz considered that for a moment. “Well, if I’m in the sun too much I get a headache. My eyes glow, too, and I’m real fast.”

“Like the flash?” Tommy asked, and Punz shrugged.

“Oh, I remember that your eyes still show when you splash an invis pot.” Purpled mentioned, mind going back to the memory- dream- flashback? thing he’d had before his wings started growing in. 

“Aw, wait,” Tommy complained. “Your wings can’t be preened. They just sit there looking badass and mine need all this care.”

“At least you don’t look like you need a week of sleep all the time,” Purpled shot back, and it was silent after that. 

No one expected anything to happen, no one expected the night would linger as Purpled gazed out of the window and into the stars as the twinkled their approval. Certainly, then, no one expected a harsh banging at the door as they got ready for bed.

Sam got up slowly, holding his sword loosely as he walked towards the door. The knocking got more desperate, so he turned the handle.

No one expected Technoblade to be the one outside.

“Techno?��� Sam asked, gripping his sword a little more.

“Please,” Techno panted, “You have to help him. We were too far from our home, this was the closest place, please,”

It was then that Sam noticed Phil, leaning on Techno. It was then that Sam looked closer and realized that Techno hadn’t gotten a new red cloak. His old one was just soaked with Phil’s blood.

“Geez,” Sam hissed, stepping aside to let Techno in. He wasn’t cruel enough to deny the men a place to stay, but there was a small corner of his mind that spoke of everything that could go wrong. “Come on in, I’ll… Well, I’ll do my best.”

Sam had to help hold Phil up, because he could tell that Techno was near ready to collapse. In fact, he did, as soon as the weight of his oldest friend had been removed from his shoulders.

He had no choice but to leave Techno on the ground as he turned his attention to Phil, whose chest rose so slightly after each breath that he feared Techno was too late.

It was a long night, with no sleep, but those sorts of nights were no stranger to Sam. He hadn’t slept the previous night, either. It was probably an issue, but he kept dreaming of his past and his mistakes, so it was better to stay awake.

Had he slept the night before that? Sam wasn’t sure.

The night was still dark as Sam hovered over his patient. He had been able to stop a bit ago, but he still bit his lip. If Phil died in his care, Techno would kill him. Maybe his boys, too. That was something he needed to avoid at all cost.

Sam was about to tackle the massive feat of getting Techno into a bed of his own when there was a soft knock on the door. When he opened it, he looked down to see Purpled.

“You should be asleep,” He scolded softly. “You had a big day today.”

Purpled glared at him and leaned against his side. “I can’t. You’re up.”

“You don’t have to wait for me,” Sam smiled, “Go to bed.”

“No,” Purpled mumbled. “I can’t. I can’t fall asleep while you’re awake. I don’t know why, but I can tell you’re awake and I can’t fall asleep.”

Sam frowned. “It might be a hybrid thing. Phil’s here, so he can answer once he’s awake. I’ll be up for a while longer, but if you want to help, you can.”

And that, my friends, is how a seven foot tall creeper and a six foot tall winged guy tried to lift a large piglin hybrid off of the floor as if their limbs weren’t like sticks. It was comical, but the only one who could have witnessed it had been bleeding out a few hours ago.

Purpled managed to get Sam asleep in one of the other beds before curling up next to him. He didn’t know why he couldn’t fall asleep while others were up, but he knew it’d be tough. They all struggled with nightmares, even him, so he figured that many nights would be spent restless.

The next morning, Techno was the one that woke Sam and Purpled up. 

“Hello?” Sam asked groggily, rubbing his eyes.

“Hi,” Techno responded. “Is Phil gonna be okay?”

For a second, Sam had forgotten the two new guests in his house. “Oh,” he mumbled, and let his head fall back onto the pillow. “Yeah, he’ll be fine. Are you alright, though?”

Techno scoffed. “Of course I’m alright.”

“Are you sure?” Sam asked again, raising an eyebrow. “You collapsed on the floor as soon as Phil-”

“Okay, fine.” He relented. “I haven’t been great recently.”

“...Why?” Purpled asked, looking at Techno the way a little kid might look at Santa. Sam realized, Purpled played Bedwars, he’d probably grown up on stories of the piglin hybrid. This was probably exciting, even if his opinion on Techno had been clouded by Tommy and Ranboo.

“Been feeling a little guilty, is all. It’s nothing.” Techno said, but Sam could see the sorrow in his eyes.

“Guilty about what?”

“Everything,” Techno answered simply. “What is there to not be guilty about?”

Purpled squinted at him. “You know, if you apologized, I’m sure they’d accept it. They miss you, even if they don’t want to admit it.”

“You don’t get it,” Techno sighed, sitting back down on the bed he had slept in. “I need to keep my distance.”

“Why?” Sam interrupted, getting up to check on Phil and the rest of his boys.

“Because I meant what I said back then. I meant it all, and there’s no way to apologise for something I never felt sorry for.”

“But you do now, don’t you?” Purpled asked, staring. He could tell that his eyes were a little unnerving, but he let them stay that way. “Right?”

“Of course I do. Phil and I spent days talking about what we did, why it was wrong, and eventually, it just kind of… it just hit us, I guess, how many lives we’d ruined.” Techno looked at Phil. “He’s lived so long, he doesn’t register it anymore, and the voices don’t care enough to stop me. It’s so easy to lose control, but I don’t want to, anymore.” Techno put his face into his hands as if to hide how vulnerable he was being to someone much younger than himself. “I just want the family we used to be.”

“You’re never going to get there.” Purpled said, and it hurt him to, but it was the truth. “You can’t just escape the past, but you can make a better future.”

“And what would you have me do?” Techno shook his head. “I’m pretty sure you can’t help me, kid.”

“I can, if you’d listen to me. I think you should apologise to Tommy and Ranboo. They’re hurt, and the first step to repairing your relationship is to acknowledge what you did. Then, I don’t know, maybe you could move closer, if it goes well.”

Techno’s voice was muffled. “And what if it doesn’t?”

“Then you live with the consequences of your actions,” Purpled shrugged, “but they get closure and you know that there was nothing else you could do.”

Sam had left a while ago, leaving the pair to their silence. Punz came in a bit later to find Purpled, and paused when he saw Techno.

“Relax,” Techno grumbled. “He’s actually been pretty helpful. I’m not gonna hurt him.”

“You better not,” Punz snapped, but stopped when Purpled gave him a look.

Purpled mentioned the ‘knowing when people are awake’ bit to Punz, who hummed, and sat down. The younger of the two brothers was deep in his thought, before something struck him. “Hey, Technoblade, do you have something in your inventory that you’re hiding?”

Punz frowned. “Hey, you’re right. I feel a little… pull, almost.”

“I’ve got something,” Techno said warily, “but Ranboo wasn’t a fan of it last time, so I took it off before I got here.” He took out a bundle of silky material that almost resembled the wings that sat on Purpled’s back under his sweatshirt.

“What is it?” He asked, leaning forward a little to look at it.

“Elytra.” Came another voice. Phil’s eyes were still heavy with sleep, but he tried to sit up.

“Take it easy, Phil. You’re still recovering.”

Phil chuckled. “It takes more than that to kill me, Techno, I’m fine. Anyway, those are Elytra. You guys are hybrids, aren’t you?”

“How do you know?” Purpled wondered, and he didn’t have to wait long for an answer. 

“You hold yourself differently, like I do.” Phil said simply, pointing over his shoulder with a thumb. “Wings are heavy, and affect posture even when you’ve gotten used to them.” After a moment, he shrugged. “Well? Are we going to see them? I assume you don’t know what you are if you’re part of a mob that has something to do with elytra.”

Purpled took off his sweatshirt, revealing another purple shirt that had a hole cut in the back. His wings unfurled, and he relaxed as they stretched.

“Hm,” Phil mumbled. “And do you have any other characteristics?”

Between the two brothers, they had quite a list, and by the end of it, Phil was just nodding along. 

“So?” Punz asked. “What are we?”

Phil looked into Purpled’s eyes, which were glowing slightly more, surrounded by dark circles and a hopeless look. He knew that the younger man had been through more than he deserved, and if this was the start of being better, than he’d take it. 

“Well, as I see it, the wings leave two options, but the list leaves only one possibility. The simplest reason that I can explain is that Elytra are made of, or at least repaired by, a material called phantom membrane, which you get from-”

“Phantoms.” Purpled breathed, and suddenly, everything clicked.

[blackstonesandtrapnest]

hello! I’m so happy to see a nana blog!! Do you wanna perhaps have any headcanons for yasu in a relationship? I’m rewatching the show and my thirst for him is unexpected but real 🥵 sfw and nsfw would be lovely~

Blogs about NANA are such a rarity aren’t they? :( But it’s good to know that there are still fans out there!

Ahhhh I see we have a Yasu fangirl ;) But I can definitely understand why! He’s so amazing and underrated! He needs more love!

~~SFW~~

Because of how he looks, Yasu has a bit of a hard time when it comes to women. He often finds himself being the chaser since the ladies are often intimidated by him and think he’s menacing. If a woman ever does approach him first, Yasu will literally not know what to do!

Yasu usually remains single because of how hard he works taking care of other people and he doesn’t mind at all. But Yasu has had his fair share of relationships and he definitely wishes to settle down one day with a wife and kids. Getting and maintaining Yasu’s attention isn’t too difficult and once you have it, you remain there like a nasty infection.

His family and friends have to meet and approve of you before you and Yasu become official. They’re very protective of him and don’t want him to get tangled up with some two-timing whore. It’s mostly Nana and Ren who have the final say since they’re the most significant people in his life aside from his adoptive parents of course. It goes without saying that if you wanna be in Yasu’s life, you have to get along with his friends and family. It’s not up for debate.

Yasu is very easy to talk to and likes deep conversations so don’t be afraid to talk to him about anything you want. To him, one of the most intimate things to do with his partner is to simply have a nice conversation while cuddling. Yasu doesn’t care what it’s about or how weird it is. As long as you’re talking, he’s as happy as a pig in slop!

Conversely, if you prefer silence or if you’re more introverted, Yasu will settle for cuddling with you while silent or talking less. Sometimes it’s nice to simply enjoy each other’s presence and take in the moment. Yasu just likes being around his S/O and prefers to have private time with them but make no mistake, there will be date nights aplenty in your relationship!

Although Yasu is a very busy man, he’ll always make time for you and is very reliable. If you ever need him for anything no matter how big or small, he’s there no matter what. If you’re the more independent type and prefer taking care of things yourself, then Yasu will respect that but he’ll still have your back regardless. Just from a behind-the-scenes perspective.

Yasu is quite serious as we all know but he does appreciate a good laugh every now and then. He has a healthy sense of humor and may or may not pull a prank or two on you so watch your back. Yes BLAST will definitely be his accomplices too. If you prank him back, Yasu will be laughing for days and it’ll be a great memory to look back on for him.

Yasu is pretty secretive and doesn’t really talk about anything that happened in his life before he met you. It’s not that he has anything to hide. He just doesn’t see why it matters. He kinda operates on a “need-to-know” basis and values privacy highly. He respects your privacy and wants the same in return. This can lead to many misunderstandings and arguments but they’re resolved quickly because of how mature and understanding Yasu is. If you want Yasu to open up, just ask!

Yasu isn’t one for taking risks and likes to play it safe and careful. Responsibility is a huge thing for him. This can make him seem kinda boring to people who are more lively and extroverted. Yasu does indeed have a wild side but prefers to release it in private which leads us to........

~~NSFW~~

When you and Yasu start sleeping together, he takes the slow, gentle, lovemaking route. He considers it the ultimate form of trust and therefore he wants to make sure you’re absolutely comfortable and feeling nothing but pleasure. Yasu doesn’t sleep with just anyone so if he’s having sex with you, consider it a privilege because he definitely values and trusts you more than he does most people.

One might assume that Yasu is vanilla in bed with the way he carries himself but he’s far from it. Deep down inside, he’s definitely a freak. But it takes a bit of coaxing to bring it out of him because Yasu doesn’t want to frighten you or make you uncomfortable. But once you convince him that it’s ok, oh boy are you in for some fun!

Yasu is definitely a dom and has a secret Daddy kink. He’s kind but firm with his Baby Girl and he always makes sure you’re left fully satisfied. Yasu loves to both give and receive praise so expect a lot of that! His voice alone will make you melt and he has a certain tone that he uses for damn near every occasion!

Yasu prefers to keep everything in the bedroom because it allows for maximum privacy. You’ll have to make the first move if you wanna do something risky. Yasu actually has some secret fantasies believe it or not! One of them is sucking him off while he’s working on his laptop or on the phone with someone. If you do this, Yasu will be flustered and will definitely return the favor.

While Yasu will definitely NOT have sex with you in the studio, he’s not against having sex with you in the dressing room or backstage after a concert! When that happens, expect the sex to be much rougher and faster. If you’re not having sex in the bedroom, you’ll be having a quickie. Sorry!

Having a safe word with Yasu is paramount because when he gets rough, he can get pretty brutal and ruthless. The last thing he wants to do is hurt you and respects your body and wishes to the highest degree. Yasu’s favorite positions include this, this, this, and this. He also loves spanking, bondage, sensation play, and body worship. You’ll never have a complaint in the bedroom with Yasu!

The best way to ensure that Yasu will be riled up is to tease and mess with him in public. Flash him discreetly, send him naughty pics and videos while he’s out and about, give him a handjob while he’s having drinks with his bandmates while you’re at it! When you two get home afterwards, Yasu will definitely be punishing you and when he’s done with you, you won’t be able to walk properly or sit for a week!

Yasu’s aftercare is amazing and will have you purring like a kitten. He’ll sing your praises, gently massage and tend to any sore areas, and make sure you’re feeling comfortable. But that won’t stop from leaving a mark or two on you that’s visible. If anyone asks, Yasu doesn’t know what they’re talking about and keeps his mouth shut. He doesn’t kiss and tell!

It’s rare that Yasu is the sub in bed but if he’s feeling particularly exhausted, he’ll let you take the reigns and pamper him for a change. Yasu will definitely appreciate it and love you even more for it! Sometimes he needs to be reminded that it’s ok for others to give to him too! Treat each other well and your relationship will be one for the record books!

[aceofshitposts]

I saw that you like CATS the musical. What are your thoughts on the movie?

AAAAH AHHAHA oh man oh boy y'all should BUCKLE IN cuz it's a ride

my simple thoughts? it's entertaining if only because it butchered the stage show so badly in an attempt to idk modernize it? Well, modernization is one part of it I think. The other part I'll go into below lol. I don't necessarily hate some of the more modern renditions of the songs (mostly the ensemble sets like Jellicle Song for Jellicle Cats) but then others are just... so poorly done it's insulting.

I've said this at the end of this whole rant too but I'm gonna put it up here in case people don't (justifiably) wanna see me go on and on about it:

The movie wasn't made for fans of the musical. It was made to make money and I believe they choose, at least partially, to do that through making it the weirdest and worst possible adaptation they could so that people would want to go see the train wreck. Which, really, worked! It was all people could talk about for a good while so like... Goal achieved, I guess.

A MUCH MORE COMPREHENSIVE ANALYSIS UNDER THE CUT cuz i don't wanna. flood your dash with... this

ALRIGHT SO. Most of my friends know I'm actually a huge fan of new adaptations of things. I love remakes (provided the people making it are coming at it with some form of heart and not just... cash grabbing which is more often the case) I love seeing other peoples interpretations of characters, or changing settings. It's one of the reasons I like American comics so much, getting to see different writers takes is fascinating.

I think musical movies can be wonderful ways to introduce people to a stage show that might have been unavailable to them otherwise! Chicago, for example, is one of the BEST musical to movie adaptations in my opinion. It kept the heart of the show, it's funny and the song numbers are done really well.

There are of course other famous examples, such as Grease or Bye Bye Birdie. Hairspray was also a wonderful take. These are simply off the top of my head, there are of course more.

CATS in particular has a history. If you go through my CATS tag you may see a few posts from @catsnonreplica which posts photos from non broadway productions of CATS! It's a fascinating read and I love, love, love looking at the other interpretations of the characters! CATS is a musical full of fun and wonderful characters if you take the time to see past the ridiculousness haha and the Korean and Japanese runs of CATS especially have some of my favourites.

How does this relate to the movie, I hear you say well. As you might has noticed the movie's interpretations of the characters is........ lackluster at best and downright uncanny valley at best.

CATS is, at its core, a ridiculous thing. I will fully admit that! But it's fun, it's entertaining and if you pay a little attention you can actually get the plot. (Honestly I don't understand when people complain it has no plot but that's a whole other rant for another day)

The movie was... obsessed with this idea of like... semi realism? Like obviously, as a fan, I think they should have leaned into the over the top character designs but instead we got...w ell:

Bombalurina:

Demeter left and Bomba right. Demeter was actually cut! From the movie which is. upsetting lmao.

Macavity is one of the worst offenders for me:

Macavity was... I wish I could know what the hell they were thinking there cuz it's even in his song? Ginger cat??? THAT IS NOT... A GINGER CAT...... but I digress. I would show more examples but I think you get the point.

So. We've butchered the characters appearances. Okay that's fine but what about their personalities?

ALSO BUTCHERED.

There's... there's a lot to unpack here. Just for context: the Jellicle Ball happens once a year and the Jellicle leader chooses a single cat to be reborn into a new life. In the stage play all the cats who are nominated for this honour are on the older side (Jenny-Any-Dots, Bustopher Jones, Skimbleshanks, Gus The Theatre Cat, and eventually Grizzabella) AND are always nominated by another cat. Not themself, unlike the movie where they all seem to nominate themselves.

Jenny-Any-Dots went from a doting grandmother figure who's celebrated for her selfless volunteering and tireless work into a conceited, vain younger cat who is obsessed with fame.

It's an incredibly strange dichotomy. I don't doubt some of it isn't the result of the uh people playing the characters honestly. I do think some of them did the best they could! I don't really blame Jason Derulo, for example, for Tugger. And honestly, Tugger was probably closest to his stage version (while being a trouble maker, he's shown to show Deuteronomy an immense amount of respect)

Speaking of Tugger! This will bring us to one of the biggest grievances with the movie and that is how they handled Mr Mistoffelees.

So... Ugh. So. We have Victoria as the pov character, which imo is like whatever in the grand scheme of things, and then we have Misto who they have decided will be get live interest cuz... Of course. Misto is shown throughout the musical to be awkward, unsure of himself and well. Really, kinda incompetent. Which is Wild cuz in the stage show he might be aloof but he's fairly confident in his powers.

So, Old Deuts gets kidnapped. In the stage show Tugger is the one to bring Misto forward! It's really quite sweet, imo, and I'm showing myself as a Tuggoffelees shipper here, but again Tugger is previously shown to be pretty conceited but then here he is boosting and hyping up Misto to bring Deuteronomy back. My friends and I have lovingly dubbed this the boyfriend hype song.

SOMEHOW. The movie manages to make this, easily, the MOST BORING number in the whole thing. Which, again, WILD. Misto awkwardly stumbles through his whole song, which again is... Boasting of his supreme magical powers which movie Misto clearly. Does not have or believe to have. The song, to me, feels super awkward and unnecessarily drawn out in the movie which sucks cuz it's one of my favourites in the show.

The declawing (heh) of Mr Mistoffelees actually reminds me strongly of how they changed Gaston in the live action Beauty and the Beast movie. He's gone from a beloved figure in the animated movie to someone so disliked in the town that Le Fou has to pay people off to say nice things about him. It's just. Wild character choices were made!!

Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is probably my favourite in movie non ensemble number. It feels the most... Genuine? Compared to the other nomination songs.

Other problems include but are not limited to:

The inconsistent size scale of the CATS which throws me off constantly.

The weirdly overt sexual overtones added to MANY of the songs (Jenny and Bustopher being the worst)

This is just a personal gripe and opinion but I don't like that they used the UK version of Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer. The American version is both better known and tbh way more fun. Teazer's giggle? Adds ten years to my life every time.

Victoria's added solo song, Beautiful Ghosts, while I like the song as a song it doesn't fit the style of message of the musical. In the movie she's singing directly to Grizzabella who's being an outcast for years that she should be grateful she even has memories of being part of the tribe?? What?? But I know they had to add an original song to be able to be nominated for awards in like the Grammys n shit (which is why all musical movies will have an original song, fun fact!!) kinda funny they went to the effort though considering........... I don't think anyone could have genuinely believed CATS 2019 was gonna win anything but golden rhaspberries.

Movie Mr Mistoffelees has made repeated appearances as my sleep paralysis demon

The various cut characters, shout outs to Jemima, Demeter and Jellylorum especially

Bombalurina being a henchman to Macavity rubs me the wrong way

God I've written... So much. You probably get it by now haha. Like I said at the beginning, I try to go into any adaptation with an open mind but... Let's be honest, this movie wasn't marketed to people who are fans of the musical.

It was marketed, and made, to make money. And they choose to do that through, I think, intentionally making the worst possible version ever. Bad press is still press and the more outrageous people said the movie was the more people wanted to go see exactly what kind of train wreck it was.

Which is a disservice to the stage show, honestly, and all the people who've worked on it over the years.

But what can we do, right?

And besides all that, I do... Still own the movie version and I do still rewatch it on occasion. It is entertaining even if it's in a train wreck kind of way. I usually end up watching the 1998 version, then 2019 and then various tour runs that are on YouTube. (I highly recommend the 2016 tour, it's very good)

So in conclusion. It's fun (?) to watch. I enjoy picking things apart and doing analysis (if you couldn't tell!) so like... I don't hate it?

It did what it set out to do, I guess, and I can't fault it for that but. It's not a fair metre with which to judge the stage show imo. But I know it's not everyone's cup of tea, haha.

Jazz hands. I'm more than happy to elaborate or just chat about CATS if anyone wants! I grew up listening to the Broadway CD since I was a toddler so it's been! A very long standing obsession haha. Probably the only other thing on par with CATS is my obsession with Jurassic Park which I've also been a fan of since I was 3 (but that's a whole story in and of itself)