#i was on it for one month in 2020 before we got domestic partnered so

[gor3sigil]

Detransition - My Story

[CW for Domestic Abuse, S*xual Abuse, Social Detransition, Misgendering, Alcoholism]

Recently, I watched “I Saw the TV Glow”, and it blew me away.

The ending really made me want to tell a story that happened to me.

Between the end of 2020 until the end of 2021, I detransitionned, mostly socially as I hadn’t started transitionning medically at the time. I did so because of many factors, and I never really wrote about it in details or reflected on it deeply as it was a very hard time for me. But I think that I now have enough hindsight as to why it happened and how it affected me to be comfortable sharing.

So, 2020 was a crazy year for everyone. I was in a T4T poly relationship, living with my partner of almost 5 years and started to go out with another trans dude. Long story short, because this isn’t about this, but I got into a physical altercation with my living partner during quarantine after years of emotional and verbal abuse, financial manipulation and isolation. I had to flee and live with my boyfriend for almost 8 months after leaving. And it was hell on earth.

I tried to not make a big deal out of what happened, but the fact of the matter was I had no place to call home, I was separated from my cat because she couldn’t live with us as my boyfriend’s place was a one room student flat and we struggled to live both of us here, and I had very little money due to not being able to work because of Covid.

What happened next to me leaving was constant harassment for weeks, the people whom I called friends siding with my abusive ex, and I felt so defeated. I couldn’t go back to my local trans community out of fear, and the community that I still had I struggled to trust again. I was supposed to start HRT before Covid hit, but it was cancelled. I got so much shit for just telling my story because so many people treated it as “slander” to accuse a trans woman of abusing me. I had receipts but never showed them, to protect her and myself. While she hurt me, she still was in a vulnerable position and it was out of the question to put her in danger. Let’s just say that I didn’t receive the same treatment in return and got lied about, harassed and bullied by people who thought she could do no wrong.

I started to totally lose trust in the community I used to feel safe in. And one day, I met a cis man. I talked to him, we got a coffee, he invited me to his place later, he got drunk and SAd me.

Two weeks passed, two excruciating weeks during which I felt so far away from everything and everyone, I coped by smoking a lot, I was in a deep dissociative state. I was disgusted, I felt so betrayed, I felt like I had no safe space. I still can’t explain why I did what I did, but after these two weeks, I still had the hoodie he handed me to go home, and I decided to meet him to give it back and talk.

He gaslighted me, using the fact that I was mentally ill to prove that I must have imagined what happened, and I believed him.

Meanwhile, I started getting nasty comments from my boyfriend and his friends for going out with a cis man.

Let me say that again.

My boyfriend was not upset that I was putting myself in danger, that I was starting a relationship with someone who had abused me, that I was in deep distress and not trusting anyone from my community anymore so I basically ran the other way, in the polar opposite way, with someone who treated me like a woman and called my desire for top surgery “mutilation”. What he was the most upset about was that I was going out with a cis man.

I became a running joke.

And when I told him that I had slept with my new boyfriend, he told me that I had “slept with the enemy”.

We had a two weeks break, after which I broke up with him for good. I had my own flat, and I was so fucking traumatized about what had happened with my ex and the vitriol I received for my new relationship that I decided it was enough. I was trying so hard to fit in my local trans community, that barely supported me when I got abused, and now what was left of it shat on me for going out with a cis man, it was the last straw.

For a year, I was having the most isolated relationship I ever had.

J, my new boyfriend, was my world. He told me that I thought I was trans out of fear. That it was a lie. That I just was scared of being abused again so I decided that to become a man was to be safe, but it was not. That all I felt was internalized misogyny I could work on, find my inner feminine self again and be happy as a woman. And I believed him. Oh, how I trusted him. I was not even in my mid twenties yet and he was in his early thirties, he must know better. I started using my deadname and feminine pronouns again. I bought dresses, skirts, even wore make up on occasions.

For a year, I killed myself. Slowly but surely. I was a full blown alcoholic, the relationship was becoming more and more abusive and isolating, I spent most of my time with him, most of the time we were drunk, most of the time things weren’t consensual, and it became my new normal.

I was retraumatizing myself. Relieving things I lived in the past because I felt so betrayed.

I had no friends left, the only one I still had didn’t hear about me until the end of my relationship with J. One time I saw her in the street, I was drunk, and J corrected her when she called me “he”. Said it was “she” now. And I said nothing.

We were in a poly relationship, and after the one year mark, after a few traumatizing hookups with random dudes on Tinder, I found my current partner. And when I started to get treated like I deserved to be, I started to snap back. I started fighting back when J acted out, I started seeing the dark place I was in.

Two things made me realize how bad I had been lying to myself.

The first one was a TikTok trend, the one with the song “My Little Dark Age”. The first time I saw a trans man doing this trend with photos of him being himself, then going back to the closet, and in present times, out. “Just know that if you hide, it doesn’t go away”. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours after seeing it.

The second one was one time, drunk, with my partner, I was telling them about the “time where I was trans”. And I was telling them about binders, and offered to show them how it was when I was wearing it. I had thrown away everything I had related to being trans in a cardboard box. I took it out and put it on. Looked at myself in the mirror. And burst out in tears. My partner hold me while I said in between sobs: “how could I do this to myself ?”, “it feels so right, why does it feels so right ? I though I’d be happy as a woman !”. And I cried and cried and cried.

Two weeks later I changed my name again. 2 months after, I broke up with J.

I wanted to tell this story as a cautionnary one. I know that I failed myself. But I can’t help but think that I was also failed in a way. By my community, by the spaces I was in both online and IRL. I am not blaming the individuals. This isn’t about “detransition”. This is about care.

This is a reminder to care. To be kind.

I don’t regret what happened. It’s part of me now. But sometimes I can’t help but wonder how things would’ve turned out if, instead of making fun of me for going out with a cis man, my then friends would’ve asked me kindly why I decided to go out with him. What changed in my mind between the night he SAd me and now. Or just offered a shoulder to cry on. What would’ve happened if I had been offered support for the trauma I was going through, if I hadn’t been told that in the end, J had won, he “have gotten what he wanted”.

“Why is it always so easy for cis men, to get what they want ?”

And in these statements, I became an object. A “want”. And I think that’s one of the main reason I lost every ounce of trust I had left in people who swore they were on my side and had my back.

You may not understand why people make some decisions. But please, before any politics get involved, remember than whose around you are people. Human. With complicated and sometimes conflicting feelings. Flawed. And worthy of your understanding.

This is about not letting politics and theories make you forget to care for one another, to protect each other, and to be here. It can change everything.

[heaven-s-black-box]

Not over you- Shin Soukoku

Return to File

Recovery date: March 11th, 2020

Description: “I’m sorry I could never stop thinking about you. I’m sorry that I kept wondering if you can still smell my scent in your bed sheets, like I do with yours in mine. I’m sorry I could never stop falling for you although you’re long gone.”

Notes: N/A

Word count: 788

Back to directory

Sitting on the roof of one of Yokohama’s few skyscrapers, Atsushi wondered why he was here. He hadn't actually thought it through. He didn’t want to, right now he just wanted to enjoy the setting sun. It bathed the city in a warm glow, it made the chill in his heart worse. The chill spread from his heart to the back of his neck making him shiver. He felt so cold, even in the light of the summer sun.

Checking his phone, it was almost nine thirty in the evening. Why was he even still here? He knew– he knew he wasn’t coming. So what was the point of coming here. The last time they talked, if you could even call it that, they had blown up. It had been something stupid, Atsushi’s pretty sure it was about how reckless they both were, or maybe –maybe it had been something domestic? But he was sure his ex lover and partner wanted nothing to do with him now.

But when the roof access door opened, and there was a familiar cough, he thought maybe there was a chance. If not a chance to get back together, then at least to be partners again. That would at least get Dazai off his back with his questions as to why they refused to work together. Looking to his side he saw Akutagawa’s usual black boots, there looked to be fresh stains on them. Even months later he could still pick out new stains and rips.

“What do you want Nakajima, "Akutagawa cut Atsushi off before he could speak.

“Geez,” Atsushi said looking over the ledge swing his legs, "not even gonna call me Jinko?”

Akutagawa said nothing, but Atsushi knew that Jinko had become a term of endearment. It would hurt too much to use it now, so he let out a sad laugh. He looked up at Akutagawa who was looking out over the city. The sun was much closer to setting now. Looking up at him now, he realized he was still in love with him. Looking at the moments that led up to this, he figured he’d never stopped loving him. He stood up and got off the ledge, he was a little surprised when Akutagawa followed. But when he stopped, Akutagawa walked by.

“If you don’t need something then I’ll leave. I have work.”

“Why can’t we just talk?”

At this Akutagawa stopped and turned to him. “Talk? What is there to talk about?! You didn’t want to talk after our fight, so why now!”

“I don’t know!” Atsushi yelled, grabbing at his chest as tears built up and fell, “I just– I don’t know! And I’m sorry! I’m sorry I could never stop thinking about you. I’m sorry that I kept wondering if you can still smell my scent in your bed sheets, like I do with yours in mine. I’m sorry I could never stop falling for you even though you’re not coming back.” 

He fell to his knees sobbing, and Akutagawa just stood there in shock. In truth Gin had been the one to hear Atsushi’s voicemail. He’d been too busy mopping in his room like he had been for the past few months. She had dragged him to the bathroom and made him take a shower. And she probably wouldn’t be happy if she found out he stopped to kill someone. It did, after all, ruin some of her hard work.

Atsushi listened to Akutagawa’s footsteps coming closer and he curled in on himself. He didn’t think Akutagawa would kill him, or even hurt him, he just wanted to be alone. He hadn’t meant to vent to the object of his frustration. So, he was surprised when Akutagawa knelt beside him and rubbed his back. 

“– if you want.”

“Huh?” Atsushi sniffled and looked up at Akutagawa.

“I said. We can try this again if you want.”

“Try–”Atsushi hiccupped and rubbed at his eyes, “try what again?”

Akutagawa smiled a bit and shook his head, “Us. I’m willing if you are.”

Atsushi let out a laugh crossed with a sob and lunged at Akutagawa. They fell back together and Atsushi burst out laughing. It didn’t take long for Akutagawa to join in on the laughter. So they lay there in the dark, beneath the moon light, laughing. Atsushi fell asleep not long after, exhausted from crying. Akutagawa, who was too tired to move, fell asleep with him.

Extra: 

“Oh thank god!” Gin exclaimed floating nearby, she passed the binoculars to Kyouka.

“I thought they’d be mopping forever,” Kyouka said, passing the binoculars to Chuuya.

Dazai grabbed them before Chuuya could get them, “What the hell mackerel! Let me see!”

“Nope!”

“You piece of– “

[hoe-doroki]

ana’s bnha x reader masterlist

first updated 11.17.20 last updated 07.13.21 desktop version found here bkdk masterlist: desktop | mobile

fics [38] drabbles [13]

Thanks for dropping by! I want to note that I no longer write x reader and instead am writing bakudeku shipfic. So! By all means, read, like, comment on my fics here! But I can't recommend that you follow me unless you like bakudeku. Hope you enjoy your time here regardless! <3

legend:

character x character

Title w/ link | [rating] | word count | genre

Synopsis

ratings are bracketed: e.g. [g], [t], [m], [e]

[g] - appropriate for general audiences [t] - appropriate for audiences 13+ [m] - contains non-graphic adult themes [e] - explicit, 18+ readers only

🌸 = personal faves

characters x reader: no ship (1), aizawa (2), bakugou (12), endeavor (1), iida (2), kaminari (1), kirishima (4), midoriya (7), shinsou (2), todoroki (19)

Everything is in alphabetical order <3

no ship

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.6k | hurt/comfort

The results are in and your class is all with you as you process the results

aizawa x reader

Stress Relief | [e] | 3k | smut

There's a new regulation that forces you to take an extra class before you can graduate college. When you learn that Eraserhead is teaching the class, you’re a little more interested.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.6k | hurt/comfort 

Aizawa reminds that you were prepared for this and, together, you can handle it.

bakugou x reader

Can’t Find My Breath | [e] | 4.2k | smut 🌸

At the beginning of the day, Ground Zero was just another hero you wrote articles about. Now it’s nighttime and you’ve just left a bar together. Companion to The Rest with No Sound

Christmas Cold | [g] | 1k | fluff

You and Katsuki manage to make it to your parents' house for the holidays, but you've come down with a little cold.

Doing Something Right | [e] | 1.8k | smut

You’re pregnant and happily enjoying domestic bliss when Katsuki comes in, unable to resist you.

Frustration | [e] | 3.1k | smut

request. After a long day of work, Katsuki comes home frustrated and you, suffering from a different kind of frustration yourself, know exactly what will help you both.

Gorgeous | [e] | 1.5k | smut, hurt/comfort

ask. When you have a negative response to Katsuki touching you in a moment of insecurity, he intends to do whatever he can to alleviate your fears.

version 1: petite reader

version 2: curvy reader

Magic | [e] | 2.2k | smut

request. Katsuki comes home early and catches you...taking care of yourself.

Miniskirts | [e] | 0.8k | smut 🌸

After a long day, Katsuki takes a shower and his thoughts turn to you.

On the Job | [e] | 4.5k | smut 🌸

Super human society has a secret. Aphrodisiac quirks aren’t just of porn and fantasy--they’re common and too often fall into the wrong hands. When heroes get hit, someone has to be able to activate the quirk’s release condition. If they’re single, who might that someone be?

You.

The Rest with No Sound | [t] | 8.5k | slow burn, fluff 🌸

Bakugou thinks that people who wake up not remembering where they are are idiots. This is confirmed when it happens to him, head aching from a night of drinking. Idiot. But when he looks over, and sees you there, he realizes he doesn’t remember anything. So he has to gather the scattered pieces from the day before to figure out exactly how he ended up with you. Companion to Can’t Find My Breath

Stay | [g] | 2.2k | hurt/comfort 🌸

ask. The last thing you want to do on a rough day is worry Bakugou with your problems. So you try to hide it. You should have known better.

Steamy | [e] | 2.7k | smut

request. You're a pro hero, rising in the ranks and, happy though he is for you, Katsuki's old jealousy begins to roil. After you've been paraded around all evening as one of Japan's finest, Katsuki finds himself feeling more than a little possessive, and can't help himself from taking you as his.

Steel and Lace | [e] | 3.8k | smut

The only one who manages to get Bakugou’s birthday right is you.

endeavor x reader

When the Smoke Clears | [e] | 17.4k | slow burn, smut

Soulmate AU. After his battle with Hawks against Hood, Endeavor wakes up in the hospital to find that a young doctor saved his life, their quirk being able to counteract the negative effects of his own. His first thought is that he has to talk to you–you might be able to fix the drawbacks of his quirk. His second thought is oh no, not again.

iida x reader

Broken Glass | [g] | 1.8k | fluff, mild comfort

request. In a quirk-related accident you find yourself surrounded by shattered glass. Worst of all, most of that glass is from every single pair of your boyfriend’s glasses.

Flotsam, Jetsam, Lagan, and Derelict | [g] | 1.5k | hurt/comfort

ask. Trying to hide a panic attack from your boyfriend isn’t easy when he’s right next to you. But you’re determined to suffer alone.

kaminari x reader

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

You share your unsteady hope with Kaminari.

kirishima x reader

Silhouette | [e] | 1.8k | smut, hurt/comfort

ask.  Before a gala, you’re stuck in the mirror, caught on all your old body insecurities. Kiri comes in and loves you regardless.

version 1: petite reader

version 2: curvy reader

We’ll See | [g] | 6.3k | gen, light romance 🌸

demisexual!Reader. After a fateful meeting, you and Kirishima keep running into each other. And although he’s so nice, you fear the fact that he might be interested in you. Even though all you want is, for once, to let yourself be happy and maybe fall in love, you can’t seem to be able to.

What We Look For | [t] | 15.5 | slow burn

Last time, you and Kirishima became friends—nothing more, nothing less. The idea of being something more sounds nice. But you can’t. You just can’t. So you won’t. Whatever happens will be on your own terms. Sequel to We'll See

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

Kirishima freaks out while you experience a numb calm. You meet in the middle.

midoriya x reader

Bad Days | [g] | 1.4k | hurt/comfort

Izuku helps you get out of bed.

Sunlight | [e] | 2.1k | smut 🌸

request. An early afternoon in bed with your husband, Izuku.

Surprised, Just Once | [e] | 5k | smut

request. You were planning on just another predictable night out with the girls. What you got was much, much more.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.3k | hurt/comfort

Izuku holds you close while you watch the results.

Multiple unrelated oneshots with Deku with an s/o with an eating disorder | ask

Gratitude | [t] | 1.4k | hurt/comfort

After having been with Izuku a while, you’re suffering a relapse and he helps you through with some gratitude practices on date night.

Picnic | [t] | 1.8k | hurt/comfort

Izuku surprises you with a picnic on your second date, much to your horror.

A Start | [t] | 1.2k | hurt/comfort 🌸

You ask Izuku for help when you realize you need it.

Trust Yourself | [t] | 2.3k | hurt/comfort

Shortly after moving in together, Izuku learns of your struggles and tries his best to comfort and encourage you.

shinsou x reader

Passing the Night Stars | [g] | 3.2k | hurt/comfort

The party was neon and you needed darkness.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

Shinsou helps you prioritize yourself.

todoroki x reader

All Dressed Up | [e] | 4.6k | smut 🌸

quarantine fic. It’s been months since you’ve dressed up, felt pretty, and felt seen by anyone. Your husband’s birthday is a perfect excuse to get all dressed up. And then take it right off.

All the Wasted Time | [e] | 3.2k | smut, fluff

Three months ago, you’d been ripped from Shouto’s side with something less than a love confession, something more than a show of feelings. Now that you’re back, you’re eager to make up for lost time. Siberia sequel, First Snow prequel

Bad Days | [g] | 0.9k | hurt/comfort 🌸

Shouto comforts you when your demons arrive unexpectedly.

First Snow | [g] | 2.2k | fluff

A year after the events in Siberia, you and Shouto are happily together, and it’s the first snow of the year. Siberia and All the Wasted Time sequel

On the Job | [e] | 3.4k | smut 🌸

Super human society has a secret. Aphrodisiac quirks aren’t just of porn and fantasy--they’re common and too often fall into the wrong hands. When heroes get hit, someone has to be able to activate the quirk’s release condition. If they’re single, who might that someone be?

You. Sequel to On the Job (Bakugou); can be read alone

Siberia | [e] | 13.8k | pining/angst, smut, fluff 🌸

On the field, you and Todoroki are rising stars amongst hero pairings. Off the field…you’re kind of in love with him. After a successful capture, you’re boss brings you in to let you know you’re being sent on assignment in foreign country…alone. Before you leave, you have to act. You’re not partners anymore, after all. And with a little liquid courage you do. Then, the next morning, you still have to leave. All the Wasted Time and First Snow prequel.

Worth it | [t] | 0.3k | gen

The morning after with your boyfriend, Shouto.

2021 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.5k | hurt/comfort

The stress of election day comes back swiftly during the Georgia runoff and Todoroki’s quick to notice.

all works below are within the world of the a spare heart series:

A series about a fem, American reader who had to transfer to U.A. partway through second year. You’re there to become a hero, that much is obvious, but why else did you come? And, more importantly, what—or who—makes you stay?

timeline

may, year two:

- reader finishes junior year of American high school early

- reader transfers to u.a. from the united states

The Meeting | [g] | 0.1k | gen

Reader meets Tokoyami for the first time. Sequel to first impressions from my wip list

Hollow Victory | [g] | 9.6k | gen, action

chapter 1 | chapter 2

You transferred to U.A. from America two weeks ago. No one has found out your quirk yet. Today, they’re going be meeting it head on and you have the advantage: surprise.

june, year two:

Illiterate | [g] | 2.1k | fluff, comfort

Being unable to read Japanese makes you feel so stupid. And who comes into the common room after midnight just as you’re about to cry? The boy who hasn’t spoken to you in three weeks.

sequels

The Offering | [g] | 0.4k | fluff, gen.

The Mission (Shouto POV) | [g] | 0.3k | fluff, gen., silly

september, year two:

Impetus | [g] | 2.1k | friendship

Ever since Shinsou found out what your quirk was, the two of you have been each other’s best friends and confidantes. But when he turns a casual training session into a tease over your supposed crush on someone in your class, that trust might just break.

january, year two:

This Clock Never Seemed So Alive | [g] | 1.2k | fluff, comfort

You and your boyfriend, Shouto, always walk to class together, but today you haven’t yet left your dorm. When he checks on you, he finds you awake, but curled on your side, suffering from period cramps.

sequels

The Questions (drabble) | [g] | 0.1k | gen.

The Sweetness (double drabble) | [g] | 0.2k | fluff, comfort

february, year three:

Between Fear and Guilt | [t] | 2.5k | light angst, comfort

You and Shouto only started being intimate a couple months back, but you’re already experiencing a dry spell. Today you’re going to figure out what’s up with your boyfriend once and for all.

fifteen years after graduation

Something Perfect | [e] | 3.7k | smut, fluff

After years of questioning if Shouto would ever want children, he’s finally decided that he really does. Overjoyed, the two of you decide to get started.

[soulmate-game]

Bio Dad Bruce Wayne Month 2020

Day 5: Overprotection

Disclaimer: Dick was adopted when he was 12 in this fic. Just for math’s sake.

—*—*—*—*—*

“What.”

Damian stared at his father, face carefully blank. Bruce grimaced, shifting.

“I said, you have a half sister. Biological.”

Four sets of eyes bored into him, from all of his sons. They were gathered not in the Batcave for once, but just one of the sitting rooms in the Manor.

“... and what, Father, does that have to do with the French class visiting Gotham?” Damian asked again, posture steadily growing stiffer and more and more stone like. He was trying hard to suppress emotions, but not even he was quite sure what those emotions were yet. Anger? Fear? Resentment? Probably. He might have detected some excitement there too, deep, deep down. Bruce took a deep breath, trying to prepare himself for this.

“Well. I’ve kept up with her life, but last time I checked she had no idea that she was adopted. When her birth mother died, it was right around the time I adopted Dick. She was still an infant, and I knew I was not equipped to handle taking care of a baby—“

“Father,” Damian interrupted again. “You sent her off. Have her up for adoption,” he said slowly, as if realizing that that would have been his fate had his father known about his existence earlier, as well. It was almost ironic, considering how Bruce seemed to have a problem with adopting other children nowadays. Bruce nodded.

“She was adopted by a couple in France. Paris, to be exact. I’ve kept up to date, asking them to just send me a letter or email once or twice a year about the general stuff she’s been up to. Nothing too invasive. A few pictures. And last time I asked them, they said that she had no idea about being adopted or that I was her father,” Bruce sighed again, running a hand over his face. “But I think she does.”

“Why?” Jason asked, confused as everyone else to the change in subject. Except Tim and Damian, who seemed to be quickly connecting the dots.

“Oh boy,” Tim breathed. Bruce just nodded.

“Her name is Marinette Dupain-Cheng. She is the one who organized the trip for her class to come here, to Gotham. She is the one who entered and won our international internship competition, and turned that into an excuse to get her entire class to come here for two weeks. To get to know the place she will be living for her internship next year, after she graduates Lycee, France’s version of highschool essentially.”

Tim winced. He had been in charge of the internship competition, and Bruce had given him free reign. He had chosen the winner without even thinking to run it by his adoptive father.

“Bruce—“ Tim tried, but the man just held up a hand.

“I don’t blame you. I haven’t been paying too much attention to her life, and I didn’t expect her to do something like this. But we know now that, if she does know and this isn’t a giant coincidence,”

“Unlikely,” Dick agreed, wincing. “Possible, but unlikely.”

Bruce huffed in agreement. “Then, we know she is very resourceful, determined, and has skills that impressed Tim enough to choose her out of tens of thousands of contest participants worldwide.”

“The minimum requirement for a Wayne,” Damian finally managed to bite out, still coping with this proverbial slap in the face but doing his best to handle it. He was seventeen damn it, and had come a long way from who he used to be. He could handle this. He could. He would.

Bruce rolled his eyes, and then leaned forward with his hands braced on the table. “Okay. So now we need to make plans.”

“Plans?” Jason asked, frowning. “For how you’re gonna tell her without getting your faces plastered over every tabloid in the city right?”

“No,” the older man shook his head. “Plans to keep her alive, unharmed, and unaffiliated with us until she leaves. I will not be making any public appearances unless absolutely necessary, so trips to the Tower are out of the question—“

“Are you…” Jason’s eyes were wide. “Trying to keep her out of our Shitshow? Because yeah, kudos to you even if it took you way too long to learn, but if she went through all this trouble to come here then it's probably too late.”

Dick nodded. “If she’s anything like you and Damian, there’s no way she’ll back off easy. Avoiding her will only make it worse on you, and probably the rest of us too.”

Damian stared straight into his father's eyes, glare sharp and searching. “What is this about, Father? You have not worried this much about any of us—“

“Because none of you were as naive!” He barked, quickly catching himself and taking a breath. “You all had a way you could benefit from this life. A way I could help you. But Marinette has both of the parents she has known her whole life, they treat her wonderfully. They care. She’s never had to worry about constantly moving, or fighting, or going hungry. The only deaths she has ever experienced have been from afar and due to natural causes. She designs as a hobby and has no problem with socializing or handling emotions in a healthy way— introducing her to our life holds no benefit for her. The only thing it can give her is unnecessary danger and risk and secrets.”

“Yeah, well. I guess Batman doesn’t know everything, does he?” A new voice startled them all from the doorway, making everyone's head whip over to see who had managed the near-impossible and snuck up on all of them.

Standing there, leaning against the doorframe with her arms crossed, was a short part-Asian woman in her late teens. Her midnight black hair was cascading down her back in one thick braid, tied off at the end with an indigo ribbon. Her eyes were a piercing cobalt blue, matching those of Bruce perfectly. Her jaw was clenched, and the infamous Bat-glare coming from her was directed right at the person who made the expression infamous in the first place.

“Marinette,” Bruce breathed, shoulders squaring. “Your plane isn’t supposed to arrive until tomorrow.”

“It won’t,” she agreed. “I took a portal here. You see, my extensive research into Batman’s known habits and tactics, which I started after I figured out about your alter ego last year, informed me that you tend to go to the extremes to protect people you deem incapable of protecting themselves, and are also prone to idiotic self-sacrificing behavior in the form of purposely making yourself look like an ass.”

Jason chuckled. “She’s got you down to a T, B,” he quipped with a grin despite the caution still in his eyes. “But let’s back up a bit, little Spitfire. What’s this about a portal?”

Marinette pushed off the doorframe, walking closer to the scattered group. Tim and Jason were spread across one sofa, Damian on the other with Dick, and Bruce was occupying an armchair. Marinette just walked until she stood where she could easily be seen by everyone, but also had nobody at her back.

“The portal is part of a bigger story. Like, the fact that father dearest wanted to protect me so badly that he placed the JLE in Paris, but didn’t realize that relations with that branch were so bad that the JLE never informed him or the JLA about getting kicked out of France and reassigning themselves to Italy. Bruce never kept a close enough eye on the city, because he wanted to keep emotional distance, and therefore was completely blind to when a supervillain showed up and terrorized Paris for almost five years,” she continued, her glare never leaving Bruce’s face.

“I found out about being adopted when I was eight. I found out who my biological father was when I was thirteen. Last year, I finally put in the work to connect Bruce Wayne to Batman. And yeah, I never told Maman and Papan, because they have never completely understood me. They wouldn’t have understood that I was fine with having no contact with you, back then. That my snooping had nothing to do with being unhappy with them as my parents. They would have immediately assumed they were inadequate when I am merely curious by nature. But then I ended up being chosen to be one of the child heroes that fought said domestic terrorist that showed up five years ago. And I sure as hell couldn't tell them that a magical artifact showed up on my desk one day and that the god inhabiting it told me to fight the monsters the villain made and just, just go with it. I couldn’t tell them when I went from being one of two Parisian heroes to being the leader of a team. I couldn’t tell them when my elderly mentor, unable to fight by our side but who had at least provided emotional support and knowledge, passed away and gave me his title and responsibilities. I’m sick and tired of being protected, Monsieur Wayne,” Marinette didn’t seem to notice the tears that had begun to fall.

“I’m sick of it. I know you were trying to keep me safe, but I fought a war I wasn’t prepared for. I died, thousands of times. But my own powers and the powers I have my partners brought me back to life. Over and over. I don’t need protection, damn it. I don’t need you to distance yourself, because you're the only fucking person I can call a parent who might understand,” she held out a hand, her scowl turning into a gentle smile. “I have so much I need to talk about. Before I drown under all these secrets. Please. I’ll go back through another portal before my parents notice I’m gone, but I’ll be back in town tomorrow when my plane lands. Just. Please, don’t push me away. That’s all I ask. I want to get to know you, all of you. I… I need family who understands.”

“Thousands.” Bruce repeated, all of them still recovering from Marinette’s very sudden, info-dumping speech. “You died… thousands of times?”

Marinette laughed, but it was a sad sound. No mirth there. “I gave my friend a magical artifact that reverses time, and the artifact that gives me my own powers can reverse any damage from a fight I use it in. Even death. Sending untrained teenagers to fight a villain three times their age makes some kind of failsafe like that kind of necessary.”

“Fuck,” Jason cursed under his breath. “Well. You’re welcome to join the living Zombie club,” he offered. The girl snorted, giving him a watery grin in thanks.

“I’m sure you know about my stance on powers and metas,” Bruce decided to say, wincing immediately after. That wasn’t what he meant to say. At all. He earned another brief glare for it.

“I’m not a meta, and I only have powers when I use the artifact to transform, thereby borrowing powers from the miniature god that the artifact houses. Think of it like doctor fate, but my gods are actually not parasites and my powers are much more… specialized. I had to learn combat on my own, and I was able to train in my sleep with the past users of this artifact. That includes people like Fa Mulan, Joan of Arc, and someone you actually know— Hippolyta. I’ve mastered more fighting styles by now than I care to remember, and I’ve done gymnastics since I was three. I don’t know if my parents told you that in their letters. I even won the gold in the nationwide France gymnastics competition two years ago. I assure you, I don’t rely on my powers nearly as much as you might think.”

Bruce swallowed. “I can… greet you when your class arrives.”

Marinette grinned. “Well, that’s a start.”

—*—*—*—*—*

Idk what happened, I don’t know if I like this at all but oh well. I’m posting it anyway. Maybe one of you will like it. I… couldn’t really find any other way to do this so oh well. Also, I think Mulan was a past Dragon..? But I put her as a Ladybug because I Can.

@momothefemur @ladybug-182 @starlightshield @trippingovermyfeet @greatcatblaze @sam-i-am-0222 @bluesimani @ruelukas22 @acoolspacegirl @iamablinkmarvelarmy @meme991001

[bonny-kookoo]

Hangang River Bride (OT7 x Hybrid!Reader): Story summary (chapters 1-5)

Pairing: OT7 x Hybrid!Reader

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Hybrid!AU, Future smut

Warnings: Mentions of myth & Folklore, Mentions of Myth & Folklore, Drama & Romance, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, so much Angst, Past Abuse, mentions of domestic violence, rough handling and not in the kinky way, I'm adding more as the story progresses, Cat hybrid Jimin, Dog Hybrid Taehyung, Human Jin & Namjoon, Cat hybrid Yoongi, Dog hybrid Hoseok, Fox hybrid reader, Wolf hybrid Jungkook

Summary:

(Originally posted by R0ADKiLL on AO3, taken over by me with her consent in July 2020.)

Kim Seokjin and Kim Namjoon- a married couple and well known Hybrid owners. While Seokjin helps Hybrids as a very respected lawyer, Kim Namjoon focuses on studying them to help the world understand better. Their Hybrids Jimin and Yoongi, two rescued cat hybrids from a shelter, were their first- now the house is full of booming life with Taehyung and Hoseok, the two dogs they had adopted soon after, and Jungkook, the newest addition. Saved by a rescue organisation and taken in by Namjoon partially for his studies and partially just to give him a loving home, they seem to be finally complete. Until they meet the girl at the Hangang bridge.

Or: Y/N tries to sneakily steal Jungkooks lamb skewers, and almost gets herself eaten.

Careful: A lot of writing under the cut. Mobile users with older phones should switch to a browser page since the app could crash. I'm speaking out of experience lol.

Kim Seokjin enjoyed the simple things in life. Such as the situation he was in right now; in the arms of his husband, sleeping in because they both finally got a day off for once. "Are you worried?" He asks his Partner, who seems oddly serious despite the comfortable silence surrounding them. He knows that Namjoon knows what he's talking about; for the first time in months, Jungkook, their most recent hybrid addition to their family, has gone out by himself with Taehyung, the almost hyperactive australian shepherd hybrid. Jungkook can't be left alone by himself outside their four walls due to safety laws; all because he is a predator hybrid. As a Wolf, together with his alpha-gene, he has to be accompanied by at least one other Person; hybrid or human. Namjoon found it odd at first, but getting to know more about predator hybrids made him understand the thought behind it. Even though Jungkook was one of the most well behaved and down to earth hybrids he'd ever met, there was still a small chance of him acting on impulse. And it wouldn't even be his fault. Maybe he shouldn't leave the house then, but Jin and he decided that he should have a bit of freedom as well; after all, he was partially a person as well. He deserved to make decisions and have some alone time- as alone as he could be. "They're gonna be fine. Taehyung will keep an eye on him." Jin spoke softly, placing a small kiss to the bare shoulder of his partner, who just nodded, before falling asleep again.

"I'm hungry Jungkookie, let's get something to eat. We can eat it over there!" Taehyung pointed excitedly to the park, while Jungkook just nodded. He didn't like to decide things; he never learned after all. This was all still pretty new to him, even though they had been living together for almost a full year. Growing up in a cage treated like a full blown animal does that to you, they said to him at the rescue center. He's slowly coming out of his shell though; thanks to Jin and Namjoon, and all the other hybrids he now considers his pack, he finally lets loose once in a while.

Grabbing some food, the both walk around the park for a bit, finding a perfect spot to eat. Jungkook always thought what it would be like to have Lunch with friends at this park, never thinking it could all eventually happen. "There you go. Do you need anything else?" Taehyung asked, but Jungkook smiled and denied. He had more than he could've ever asked for if he was being honest.

All while this happened, the two male hybrids chatting away actively, the small fox hybrid saw her chance to strike. Modern pet hybrids didn't hear her usually, and both of them seemed to be of the sorts- even though she could smell something weird on the black haired one. Her own snarling stomach however made her stop thinking, slowly inching forwards until her small hand was able to reach the white plastic bag with the rest of the food still packed for the other ones home- until the dark haired one whipped his head around.

It all happened so fast, the girl snatching the bag and running for her life- quite literally, because Jungkook completely ignored Taehyung shouting at him to stop and come back, his mind running on autopilot. She was stealing, from him, from his pack, and he had to get her. Deep in his brain he knew she probably didn't meant any harm, but his instincts did the thinking for now, his long legs easily catching up to her much smaller form. Grabbing the straps of her honestly pretty torn dress, he yanked her backwards, making her fall on the ground with a loud noise. He threw himself over her, his body hovering, hands holding her struggling ones in a strong grip while his legs tried to keep her from kicking. Only when he heard Taehyung whimpering for him to not do anything, he looked up, noticing the terrified look on his friend's face. He looked down again much calmer now, taking in her appearance for the first real time. Her clothes were a mix of things; two differently colored overknee socks, shoes that looked not to be her size at all, but laces bound around her ankles to keep them from slipping. Her dress was white; probably, because the dirt stuck to it colored it all shades of colors. The fabric was torn at the seams, the entire thing not fitting her at all. But neither her clothing, nor the skinny appearance or the bruises and fading cuts caught his attention. It were her hybrid features.

Her ears, turned backwards so hard they seemed to be wanting to dissappear into her skull were a dirty white, rimmed with pitchblack. Her tail swishing back and forth underneath her was puffed with panic, probably white underneath all the dirt with a greyish black stripe on it. The fur was tangled, parts matted- he knew what this meant. She was probably either feral, or came from a place he knew all too well. "I'm gonna let go. Try to run and I will catch you again." Jungkook spoke lowly, and suddenly the small female went completely still, apart from her shivering, which was probably due to her inner panic and fear. Taehyung watched, wanting to get closer, but choosing to stay a respecting few steps away, too scared he might make her want to flee again. "What's your name?" Jungkook asked after he had sit up on his heels, arms crossed in front of him. Her scent gave her away to him; he already noticed she was a predator hybrid as well. When she didn't answer, he sighed. "Do you even have one?" He asked, his entire posture turning more sympathetic towards her once she finally shook her head in denial. It all made sense to him, even to Taehyung who'd never known such situations himself luckily.

Said hybrid jumped a little when his phone rang, Namjoons ID making him answer. "Hyung?" He answered, before Jungkook held out his hand for the device, Taehyung understanding. "Hyung, Jungkookie wants to talk to you." He said, nodding at something he said over the phone before giving it to his younger brother, wary not to move to fast so you wouldn't flinch too much.

"I'm gonna bring someone home." He simply said, looking at the girl in front of him. In no way in hell he would let her just walk off like that, knowing where she probably came from. He knew this could very well be overstepping a line for him in his new home, but Namjoon simply saying that it was okay and asking if he should set out another plate for food. Jungkook chose not to say anything about her condition yet, knowing it would be rude for him to talk about her like that now. He simply said his goodbyes, giving Taehyung his phone back, before slowly standing up, picking up his plastic bag along the way. "Come on." He said, taking off his zip hoodie to give to her, helping her hide her pretty beat up form in his big clothing. She seemed wary at first, not trusting the entire situation yet, but choosing the jacket after a moment of thinking it over. Taehyung smiled at her comfortingly, but keeping his distance, not knowing how to react. He'd been like that with jungkook at first too, unsure and shy almost. Jungkook however seemed calm, giving him reassurance that at least one of them knew how to handle the situation.

Things however took a turn once he noticed the girl next to him paling even more than she already had; breath turning uneven and eyes suddenly closing, she fell to her knees first before Jungkook could react. "What do we do?" Taehyung asked with a bit of panic in his tone, Jungkook now looking like he was out of answers as well, before picking her up and carrying her back home.

Luckily for them, the park they were at wasn't that far away, making it easy and fast to reach the large house rather quick. Opening the door, Jin started to turn around to greet them, before he noticed the unconscious figure in the arms of the wolf hybrid, automatically shooing both inside and turning off the stove before telling them to put her on the couch.

"What happened?" He asked, but Taehyung was talking so fast his brain couldn't process all of the information at once, making him simply nod. "Who is she?" But at this question, both fell silent. None of them knew for sure, Namjoon walking downstairs after hearing all the commotion, the rest of the hybrids slowly following, concerned faces everywhere.

"I don't know. She said she doesn't have a name. I've seen her before though." Jungkook simply stated, making everyone frown at the realization what he meant. She probably came from the same company as him, shipped illegally and living with a highly possible abusive owner. Just like him.

Namjoon kneeled down in front of the couch, softly inspecting her hybrid features, careful not to wake her. "From what I see I would say fox hybrid." He stated, standing up and crossing his arms.

"But her ears aren't red!" Jimin, the cat hybrid asked timidly from his spot near the couch at her feet, feeling concerned at her lack of movement. Namjoon smiled a bit, placing a hand reassuringly on top of his head.

"They don't always have to be. Foxes have different breeds and colors as well." He said, and Jimin seemed as entranced as ever. The young cat hybrid always liked to almost soak up every bit of knowledge Namjoon gave him like a sponge, though he was known to be pretty forgetful due to an accident he had as a small kitten.

"I'd say lets bring her in our guest room, let her sleep, and after she wakes up, we'll see what we do." Jin stated, making everyone nod. To wait was the best answer for now.

Waking up honestly never felt so pleasant as now. Something that should've set you at ease, but it did the exact opposite; not knowing where you were plus the lack of consciousness after just waking up made your fur stand up, and your body shooting out of the bed into the nearest corner. Accidentally pushing down a small table lamp in the process made all hybrids and humans react; a soft knock was heard on the closed door, asking for entrance. But you couldn't answer, even if you wanted to.

The door opened hesitantly, a cat hybrid with black ears and Sandy brown hair making it's way inside gently, before sitting down with his back pressed against the closed door lazily. He seemed calm, collected, but you couldn't read his intentions. He didnt talk; he maybe knew you wouldn't answer anyways.

A long staring contest followed, or maybe he was just waiting for your heavy breathing to calm down, because as soon as he felt you were calm enough he spoke. "If you're hungry, we're having dinner." Noticing your surprised face he had to swallow the chuckle bubbling in his throat. "Its almost noon. Just so you know." He said, and noticed how your cheeks turned pink in embarrassment. He slowly stood up, opening the door to walk outside, but leaving it open. Leaving the choice to you.

After a moment or two, you slowly stood up, legs still a bit wobbly. You didnt know your way around the entire house, but your ears caught noise from downstairs- a lot of voices mixing together. It felt odd to you- where were the guards? Slowly trying to find your way downstairs (you've never really walked stairs before, neither up or down for that matter) your movement stopped as soon as you noticed eyes on you. Holding onto the banisters, you felt insecure, not daring to move another inch. You heard a chair scrape on the tiled floor, and someone stepping up to you. Closing your eyes you got ready to be scolded- this had been a test hadn't it? But as you opened one eye to peak, a hand was held in front of you. "Come on." The gentle voice sounded a bit familiar, and the face was very much so. The boy with the dark curly hair from the park stood one step below you, a gentle spark in his eyes. Slowly taking his much larger hand, you both made your way down the stairs carefully, him always stopping and taking it slow and steady so you wouldnt fall.

"Ah, sit down! I'm Jimin!" Said hybrid cat told you excitedly while pointing to his side, an empty chair waiting for you. His multi colored feline features gave his entire feelings away, and you internally found it a bit cute if you were honest. You looked at the chair for a second, and looked around after a bit as if to ask for permission first. A tall man with broad shoulders and a very handsome face nodded with a smile, and you sat down as quietly as you could. Jimin immediately started to fill your plate with food, your eyes sparkling at the view in front of you; never having received such amounts of nice smelling and looking foods before. Looking up, you felt awkward, yet once everyone around you started to eat too, you took the nod from the handsome stranger again as a form of permission. But there was a problem.

You'd never used cutlery before.

Sensing your trouble, the dog hybrid on your other side (the same one from the park) started to cut up your food into bite size pieces, before he gave you a fork, holding his as well to give you an example on how to hold it. You had to try a few times but eventually made it; the smile of everyone sensing a funny feeling through your body. You had to restrain yourself from reacting too boldly, but if you could you wouldve jumped in your spot at how delicious it was. However, the speed you were eating in gave away how nice it was. The dog hybrid with the marbled floppy ears chuckled a bit while cutting up more food for you and loading your plate until you gave him a sign to stop.

Slowly, one of the two humans stood up collecting the dishes; another odd thing. Why didnt they tell their hybrids to do that? You stood up and attempted to help, when a hand was placed on your shoulder- warm and gentle. "Ah, we'll handle it. Do you maybe want to take a bath?" The handsome human told you, and your eyes widened to the size of dinner plates, obviously asking if he was serious. He smiled at you and nodded. "Do you want someone to help you?" Yiu nodded, not really knowing your way around, your eyes spotting the dark curly hair from the couch, he however wasnt looking at you. The human caught your stare however, turning around. "Jungkook, can you help our friend here run a bath? Oh, and maybe jimin has some clothing that'll fit her-" he said, but Jungkook had already stood up, walking over to you.

The bathroom was large, and as you sat on the closed toilet just how Jungkook had instructed you to do so while he turned on the water, you took the opportunity to look around. How long does it take to clean the entire thing? Would you be in charge of that? But the others didnt have to do the dishes either, so maybe this was one of those homes one of the domestic puppy's had talked about at the mansion. As if he could sense your thoughts, Jungkook started to talk while he poured a nice smelling purple liquid into the water, making it foam. "We dont have to actually work here y'know." He started, and you listened to him with a bit of confusion. He didnt push it though. "I'll leave you to it now... if you need help just uh.. call me or Someone or whatever." He said and walked out after turning the water off. You sat there for a bit, not knowing if you could do anything, but deciding to just go for it. Stripping your clothes you gently got into the tub, warmth surrounding you as well as a nice flowery scent. You happily started to wash yourself, not caring for a moment as you rubbed your ears and tail clean of all the grime that had piled up, grinning once the fur started to turn white and black again, the dirt finally coming off. Washing your hair you finished off, stepping out and wrapping a towel around you.

Opening the door you peaked around the corner, until you softly called out for the wolf. You thought he maybe didnt hear you, but suddenly you heard feet stepping upstairs and soon he stood in front of you, holding some clothes out. "Here." He said, and at your look of confusion he simple looked to the side, almost as if he was embarrassed. "They're uh.. mine. I- so you can- I mean baggy clothes are comfortable so, yeah.." he said, and you smiled at that, his eyes suddenly widening at the view he got. This was the first smile he'd ever seen you display, and he couldn't help but feel his heart rate increase.

You changed into his clothing before finally coming downstairs, a bit slow but finally without any help, looking a bit awkward. Someone cooing at you made you look in the direction of the sound, spotting the living room it seemed, all hybrids and humans sitting down. The puppy hybrid with the marbled ears had turned around on the couch, looking at you, while the other tall human came to you, towel and brush in hand. "Come on, before you catch a cold." He said, patting his lap for you to sit on. You hesitated for a moment, until you finally sat down, your back facing him. "I'm Namjoon by the way." He said, until he pointed to the broad shouldered man sitting on the other couch. "This is Seokjin. He's the eldest, kind of the head of the family." He stated, gently drying your hair with a towel before he started to dry your ears as well. "Taehyung and Jungkook were the ones you met at the park." Pointing towards the marble eared puppy hybrid and the wolf sitting next to him. "You already met Jimin. Next to him is Yoongi, the one who called you for dinner." He stated, before he pointed to the one who seemed to hold back his excitement the most as if not to scare you. "And that's Hoseok. Hes kinda quiet because he tends to get a bit loud. We dont want to scare you." The towel felt soft against your features, until he took a brush to run it through your hair. "What kind are you?" He gently asked, to which you answered on a quiet voice.

"A marble fox." You stated, everyone listening closely because of how quiet you spoke.

Namjoon nodded, visibly interested, but keeping it in for now. "Do you need anything specific concerning your diet?" He asked, and you shook your head. Not that you'd know. Until now, hybrid pellets were your best bet concerning food. "I see. I know you probably dont want to talk about it, but it's important." He started, turning your around so you sat sideways on his lap. "Do you want to go back to your owner?" He simply asked, and by the way your ears instantly turned backwards, everyone knew the answer. Jimin instantly moved forwards, reaching out to pat your head gently, making your eyes widen at the gesture.

"We wont make you go back. She can stay, cant she Joon?" Jimin asked, looking hopeful at his owner. The calico hybrid had always been extremely social and clingy towards people he liked, and it showed; he took a liking to you, letting you go would prove difficult now. That was one of the many reasons he'd ended up in a shelter; his high maintenance nature and need for attention made him not an easy pet. He felt for you.

"Its not that simple Jiminie, but well try our best." He said, sharing a glance with his husband on the other couch. They'd have to find out if you were in any database first, and after that Jin could start collecting necessary documents for your adoption.

"Wait, wait!" Taehyubg suddenly said, making everyone look up to him, until he sat down in front of you. "You dont have a name right?" You said, making everyone gasp a bit, apart from Jungkook who knew already. "Then we'll give you one!" He said, looking around, and everyone started thinking. Giving a name to a hybrid was a huge thing; after all, you'd be carrying this forever. You started to get a bit nervous, everyone trying out names until Jungkook spoke up, gaze straight on you.

"Y/N."

And for one once, everyone instantly agreed.

The next morning started slow. You found out that both humans, Seokjin and namjoon didnt work on weekends, and took the time off to spend time with everyone. It felt a bit foreign not knowing what your exact purpose was.

"Master Seokjin?" You asked as you sat on one of the kitchen chairs to watch him cook. He turned around a bit before answering.

"Jin is fine, really. That title is.. really not necessary. We're all equal." He spoke in a gentle tone, and you noted not to call him that anymore.

"What is my purpose in this household?" You questioned with great curiosity, and Jin was close to answering until a hand was placed on your head.

"Being cute." Yoongi answered before sitting on the kitchen board, making seokjin shake his head a bit, because he wasnt supposed to, but did it anyways. "We all dont really have a job or anything. We help around the house here and there, Jimin takes care of the garden for example, Taehyung has his pet bunnies outside, and so on. It's more like a hobby though." He explained while continuously stealing pieces of bacon from jin.

"But.."you started, frowning a bit. "Why have hybrids then?"

"Because, we wanted to. Companionship. Simple as that." Jin answered, before ushering Yoongi out the kitchen, who just smirked as he walked out lazily. How he could get away with his behavior was a mystery to you. Just as you wanted to ask something however, a yawn interrupted you. You woke up early again today, a habit you would find hard to get over.

The wolf with the long hair came in, picking you up without asking at all. "Yah, Jungkookie, you cant just carry her around like a ragdoll!" Jin said, the Saif wolf however just shrugged and walked out, putting you down the couch before laying down himself, arms around you.

"Jungkook.?" You gently asked, but he made a sound to silence you.

"Naptime." He simply said, putting his leg over yours for good measure, as if he wanted to make sure you wouldnt escape. During those two days the wolf had been constantly around you, always keeping an eye out for you, making sure you didnt get uncomfortable. It felt as if he'd unofficially claimed you as his, a fact that felt a bit weird to you. There was nothing to claim. You were a used product, still unsure and constantly confused. But before your thoughts could fall any deeper, the gently sound of his heartbeat against your back made you fall asleep.

Shopping was something that was foreign, again. You knew how it worked of course, but you'd never been out before to buy things- and for you for that matter. You slowly got used to your name however, your brain inking the sound into your memories, so that you'd never forget it again. People seemed so carefree, your companions happy and joking around, Jungkook never daring to let go of your hand, as if he was scared to loose you, and to be fair, a lot of people were out this time.

"You okay?" He asked once he noticed you staring around, and you nodded, looking up to him, since you were a good bit shorter.

"Yeah. It's just.. a lot to take in." You said, while he looked at clothing. "Do you think I.." you started, and he looked at you, urging you to continue. "Stay? Like, could I stay with you.. and your family?"

He smiled at that, squeezing the hand he was holding a bit. "I'll do everything I can to make that happen." His words made your tail sway a bit, the first real time it happened, and Jungkook cooed internally at the sight. And although he didnt voice it out, he made a promise to get more reactions like that out of you.

Together everyone made their way home after everything was bought, you sitting next to Jungkook and Tae on both sides. Things like these were still exhausting for you, causing you to eventually fall asleep, your ears tickling Taehyungs neck a bit. He looked down on you, trying to burn the image into his mind. You looked so peaceful, angelic even, he couldn't explain it.

Deciding not to wake you he unbuckled your seatbelt, slowly moving you out the car and carrying you inside the house. As soon as he laid you on the couch and tried to walk away however, your hand grabbed his pants, gently tugging to get him back. He smiled and complied, hugging you on the couch happily; you seemed to open up to everyone one by one, making him exhale with fondness.

"Come on, let's get you to bed then." He gently said, as everyone around you said their good nights and walked upstairs into their rooms.

"Can I.." you started, but slowly stood up without finishing, making Taehyung grab your hand this time, tables having turned with him keeping you from walking away now. "I.. uh, you can say no, but maybe I could like... sleep in your room.?" You asked, not looking at him out of embarrassment. His reaction however, was a smile so bright and boxy you swore you could've melted right there on the spot.

"Of course cuddlebug. come on!"

"This is bad." Namjoon mumbled, carrying an opened letter in his hand while carding his unoccupied hand through his hair. Seokjin looked at him with worry, walking towards him to catch a glimpse of whatever he'd been reading.

Earlier that day, they've gone out for breakfast, jimin suggesting you should ge used to being outside more. Since Jungkook was someone who slept long, Taehyung and Jimin had taken you out instead, happy to get the surprisingly clingy wolf off of you for a few hours. Needless to say, the canine hybrid however wasnt too happy to find you missing when he woke up, a little jealousy mixed with worry making him fussy until you finally came back.

The news in this letter however weren't too good. Apparently, your old owner has taken notice that you've been sheltered at his place without his consent, asking for a date to quote unquote "return his property" as he stated, making both humans scrunch up their faces with disgust at the wording. Jin has had his suspicions about you being treated poorly in the past, and it seems like he was right about it.

"Should we tell her?" Namjoon asked, not sure if it was something you genuinely should know yet. Maybe there was a way to get you out of this without making everyone feel uneasy or restless. They both didnt want you to go back to that place, having already locked you into their hearts. They also thought you deserved to know, making both worry. However, a deep voice startlet both.

"Tell her what?" Jungkook asked, eyes glazed over with something they couldn't quite place. "Huh?" He said again, getting impatient. He was easy to rile up in general, but with you he seemed to be especially touchy. Jin simply gave him the letter that was in question, and the wolf immediately widened his eyes, looking back at them. "He cant be serious. We wont let her go back there." He said, scoffing, but looking darkly at his friends when there was no answer. "Right?" He asked, but there still was no reaction other than uncomfortable silence.

"Jungkook it's not that easy-" but he was soon interrupted by the young wolf.

"Are you mental?! Dont tell me you're actually giving her away like what?!" He raged out, heart racing with the fear that he could be separated from you. "She trusts you hyung! You cant be serious.!" He said, getting quieter the more their silence stretched.

The main reason was that they legally had no ownership. They couldn't afford going against authorities with the other hybrids in their possession, they had to think about what was best after all. And jungkook deep down knew as well- but he considered you a part of his pack already. Loosing you would hurt alone. But losing you to an abusive situation would drive him insane.

The door opened, happy voices cutting threw the heavy atmosphere in the house, but before they could reach the three, jungkook dashed into his room, needing to cool down. Both jimin and Taehyung looked at their owners confused, but the only thing they could do was sigh. This was a difficult situation. And the outcome could be horrible.

You knew something was up.

The atmosphere had changed, both humans were starting to grow distant from you, keeping a safe bubble around them you couldn't seem to join. Slowly but surely, even though you had a small glimmer of hope this wouldnt happen, you realized what was going on.

They wanted you gone. But they just didnt know how to tell you.

So what was the best thing to do in a situation like that? Exactly. Take away the burden of decision making, and do it for them. Softly folding your clothes, you made sure to leave your room as tidy and clean as possible, as a form of thank you for their hostility. You didnt hold a grudge against them; they had to take care of a lot of wonderful hybrids already. You were a burden that needed to be lifted. Slipping on a red beanie that you may or may not have stolen from jungkook, along with some warmer clothes since it was winter, you opened the window. Walking outside the door was absolutely impossible, since it creaked a bit every time it opened, but the window wasnt a problem to climb out of.

As soon as your shoes (timberlands, a thing that jungkook always cooed over because they looked tiny compared to his own pair) touched the soft crunchy leaves that weren't covered in snow, you breathed in. You made it this far. You could go even farther as well. You believed in that.

Meanwhile, jin stirred in his sleep a little, cold icy air hitting his exposed feet. Did he forget to turn the heater on? No, it smelled like fresh air, even though his bedroom windows were closed. It took him a sleepy moment to make a very scary thought creep until his mind. Instantly getting up and walking until the hallway, opening your bedroom window, his fear became a reality he hoped to turn out as a mere dream. But the soft wind accompanied by small snowflakes making it's way into the empty room was easy too real. And he swore he could hear his heart crack like glass as soon as he heard the broken growl behind him, not needing to turn around to know whose it was. Namjoon tried to calm the wolf down, but it only caused him to be even louder, luring a tired Taehyung, and even Yoongi out of their sleep.

"Whe-where is she.?" Taehyung slowly asked, fearing the answer he'd get. He knew he cared deeply for you, but jimin would simply be heartbroken by the fact that you left. But before Namjoon could explain, since Jin was still simply staring, frozen, Jungkooks dark voice cut through.

"Gone. Just like they wanted." He said, suddenly speedwalking down the stairs, slipping on his shoes and throwing over a jacked, dashing out, blinded by rage and fear for you. He didn't even hear his friends yelling for him to come back; his mind running on autopilot, his only mission:

Getting you back.

Warapped up in one of Taehyungs oversized coats, walking along the streets littered with cafes, you wondered if leaving was really the best idea. How could you really have gotten attached so fast though? It wasnt really like you, considering your past experiences with humans, and other hybrids as well.

Pulling the red beanie a little down to make sure it covered you well, you decided to make a trip back to the very park you first met the large family. It felt odd to be back, knowing what had happened- and how far you've come. You had actual clothing now, some snacks in your pockets to keep you going for a while, and some newfound energy you didn't even think you could have. Deep down you had known all along that a future wasn't in it for you; this family was a well established pack already- it felt rather rude to intrude for you. But maybe now you could actually maybe approach people a bit better after coming out of your shell a bit- but the more you thought about it, the less it felt appealing to you.

Because no matter how kind a person would be, jimin would've been so much kinder. No matter how happy someone would make you, Hoseok could've made you smile so much brighter. No matter how smart someone would be, Namjoon could've shown you so much more in this world. No matter how tight someone would hug you, Taehyungs hugs would've felt so much better. No matter how calm a silence would be, Yoongi's would've felt so much more comforting to you. No matter how well someone would take care of you, Jin would've mothered you even worse.

And no matter how much someone would try to make you feel safe, Jungkook would've made you feel so much more protected. As if nothing could ever hurt you in this world.

You sniffled a bit, noticing your eyes stinging with tears that threatened to spill from your dark thoughts alone. But thats what you felt like; for the first time in a long while, you truly felt alone. And it wasn't a nice feeling. If back in the day loneliness comforted you because it was better than being with 'him', it now felt suffocating. You felt small, tiny, and truly vulnerable. And you hated it.

You shook your head, scouting out a place to spend the night without getting noticed by authorities. It was back to your old habits again, your knowledge about the surrounding area and how to survive out here helping you to fit back into your situation again.

However; together with your old situation came an old perso as well, his greeting sending cold shivers down your spine- and that had nothing to do with the flaky-breeze the winter brought.

"There you are."

Somewhere in Seoul, a distressed wolf was almost running down the streets during the early morning hours, his skin running hot even considering the freezing temperatures. But this only added to his worries.

Were you scared? Cold? Hungry? Or worse?

What if you got hurt?

Where would you sleep?

His mind automatically pictured the worst; you, hiding somewhere, cold, distressed, and all alone, vulnerable to every predator around. He knew deep down that you were strong, that you probably wore clothes to keep you warm, you were smart enough to think before you acted, but his instincts wouldn't let him rest at all. He almost jumped at a heaving Yoongi; the cat wasn't really used to running after the way more active Wolf hybrid, but he had to- if someone saw him running wild without anyone with him, they would have even more problems at hand than just you. "Jungkook-" He began, but before he could even get another word out, the younger Hybrid grabbed his shoulders, his eyes sparkling with fear, showing their bare, reddish-brown color, a sign that he was slipping into a very dangerous headspace for a predator hybrid.

"Hyung, she's out there- she- what if someone gets her? What if her old owner finds her, you know how bad it was where she came from, what if she gets hurt, and I'm not there to help her, I'm supposed to protect her, I-" He was breathing heavily, his eyes opening wide with the fear that his own words began to fire up in his chest.

"Jungkook, we'll find her-" But namjoon may not have been the best person to speak up in that current moment, and Yoongi thanked whoever god was in charge that day, because thankfully the streets were empty this early in the morning.

Because as soon as Jungkook heard his owners voice, his entire body changed in posture- he was ready to jump him. Thankfully Jin had arrived as well, rushing to hold the alpha back while he wasn't thinking straight and yelling at the person he should be able to trust with his entire being. But in this moment, Namjoon seemed to be his worst enemy. "Its your fault! You wanted this didn't you?! Admit it, you're glad she took the decision off your way too high shoulders and decided to make it easy for you!" He yelled, his body language basically screaming hostility. "Its because you're always right- but you never make decisions do you! You only follow rules if others follow with you, and you only run with whatever shit someone seems to spit, you're a coward!" He said, slowly calming down since his body was getting tired. He hadn't been this riled up in a long time- the stress finally taking a toll on him now.

Jin and Yoongi managed to get him back inside the car, leaving Namjoon and Jimin alone. The cat hybrid had followed along as soon as he heard that you left them so suddenly- he was distressed about it as well, but he worried about his entire family situation too. He nodded towards Yoongi, who made a gesture to tell him they'd bring Jungkook back home where Taehyung and Hoseok were waiting as well- having the alpha hybrid running wild while not being in the best state of mind wasn't the best idea. It could also prove getting you back difficult as well, seeing as you were still pretty skittish whenever he was getting only a bit louder when playing video games with Taehyung.

"Lets go back to the park. Maybe she's gonna stay in an area she considers familiar? I know I would.." Jimin said softly, gently tugging at the sleeve of Namjoons jacket, to get him to move. But he had troubles concentrating, Jungkooks voice echoing inside his mind almost hauntingly. He knew that deep down it was just his distressed wolf speaking, but maybe this was what he really thought of him. And the worst part was that he wasn't even wrong about it. Maybe he was a coward. He was insecure, and he shouldn't be. Not as a person, not as a lover, not as an owner, and not in his field of work. But he shook his head, nodding at Jimin who slowly started walking into the direction of the park.

Namjoon couldn't hold it in on their way as they walked towards the place they had initially met you- or in this case, where Taehyung and Jungkook met you. "Do you think he's right?" He asked softly, not looking at jimin, and trying to look at every corner in front of him to maybe spot you.

"You know how he gets Joonie." Jimin began softly, his red bucket hat hiding his ears, but he could see them move slighty under it. "He wasn't in the best state of mind. I think he was just.. out of it I guess." He said, his senses trying to notice something he could identify as you.

But namjoon only sighed. "But he had a point, no?" He began, his brows furrowing while thinking about it. "He may have blown his thoughts out of proportion, but the root of them was there. I know he's right. But I don't know why it bothers me so much." He said, his steps getting harder as they began to walk on grassy grounds, finally reaching the park.

"That's because its you. You hate it when other people are right." Jimin chuckled, making his statement appear less sharp than it was. "But that's you, and that's why you're so good at anything involving your brain. You and Jungkook are pretty similar; you both hate loosing." He said, his smile spreading as he spotted a familiar coat near a streetlight. However, his pupils became slits in distress, his mind slipping just like Jungkooks as soon as he noticed your body language- you stood in front of a person, a stranger, and your entire being screamed fear at him, making him taste the bitter flavour even though he wasn't in your place. "joonie-" He said, but the man in question was already walking foward.

"Hey, what're you doing?" He said rather loudly, his voice sharp edged, not leaving any room for a smile. The man simply turned towards him, holding his hand out.

"Ah, you're the person that took it in right? I assume because you look quite like the Kim Namjoon I saw on your profile picture while we where in contact via E-Mail." He said, his voice full of a weird sense of pride, making Jimin step back a little. He desperately wanted to get to you, but his fear was getting the better of him, instinctively hiding behind his owner.

"That's right." Namjoon simply said, but refraining from shaking the man's hand. He wanted nothing to do with this person, knowing what kinds of businesses he was involved into, you quite possibly having been a part of this too. Because this had been why he had been so hesitant in answering Jungkook. It was difficult to go against someone of that size, and they needed to think about their actions before actually doing anything. But again Jungkooks words rang inside his ears. He wouldn't stay a coward in this situation. He had the law in his favor. "I also advice you to step away from her because, as you should know, hybrids get anxious when someone other than their owners are too close to them." He said, making the man scoff.

Jimin wanted to lash out as he harshly grabbed the end of your tail making you squeak in pain and him laugh, Namjoons face contorting slowly with growing anger. "Ah yes, but we both know how the situation is. That's my property, and therefore mine to take back. I do thank you for keeping her in your apartment and feeding her, but I have business to attend to."

The cat hybrid was silently crying now, his sympathetic character making him feel just as much distress as you felt, the man still keeping a tight hold of your tail- something you hated as you had told Jimin many times before. He felt helpless- but Namjoon would surprise everyone, just like every time.

He simply took out his phone, tapping a bit here and there before opening a document, holding it towards the stranger. "Legally she is mine currently since you're under official surveilance involving several issues we won't get in too deep. Now, would you mind letting go of my hybrid sir?" He simply said, voice calm.

The man simply scoffed, pushing you forward onto the gravel, making you hiss as you felt your nice jeans scratch open, revealing your knees which scraped open as well on the ground, along with your hands that tried to soften the blow. Jimin dashed foward now, not caring if the man was close to him or not, immediately shielding your body from anyone around him, softly purring in order to calm you, and himself down. The man simply left, Namjoon softly walking over to both his hybrids, patting Jimin's back to get him to reveal you towards him.

He made you sit down, the cold seeping into you but you didnt care- your hands and feet stung, making you tear up. But the reason you were crying was because you were both upset and relieved- maybe there was a chance of staying with them, even if it was just for a while longer. "Can I look at it?" He asked softly, and you just sniffeled, nodding. Namjoon knew it was a bad moment, but he couldn't help but admire you in that moment. Even with a runny nose, all red from crying and the cold, eyes shiny with tears, you had that adorable pouty face making him melt. He observed your scraped up knees and hands, softly brushing over them to at least get most of the dirt out before helping you get up. "Lets go home, yeah? You scared everyone to death." He said, laughing a bit to lift the mood. Jimin, still a bit teary as well, held your arm, since your hands still hurt from the incident. Jungkoo would run wild seeing you hurt, but he would eventually calm down, hopefully. Both Jimin and Namjoon hoped first however, that he left the apartment standing.

"It's never gonna be the same Taehyung." Jungkook said still angry, sitting on the living room couch with his head in his hands. The Dog hybrid had managed to at least calm him down a little, but overall there was still a rather dark mood surrounding everyone. Tae himself was sad as well, however he pushed his own feelings back in order to at least not fuel the fire even more. The front door jingled a bit with the sound of someone inserting a key, and at first, no one really did anything- until Jungkook got hit with your scent, his head snapping up at the sound of you-

sniffling.

Where you crying? One look towards you confirmed that you were, his mind running on autopilot as soon as he saw those glassy orbs looking at him. He jumped over the back of the couch, almost tripping over the carpet and his own shoes he simply had taken off mindlessly, immediately observing you to look for injuries. "What happened?!" He said in a rush, his large hands taking your small ones in his, hissing at the scratches on the inside of your palms.

"Come on Jungkook, I need to treat y/n first, then we can talk." Namjoon said, Jimin helping you take off your jacket and leading you to the bathroom downstairs. Jungkook followed silently, his pack instincts simply refusing to get him to leave you out of his sight for even a moment. He sat down in front of the open bathroom door with his legs crossed, watching as Jimin made you sit on the closed toilet seat, Namjoon getting a small towel and filling the sink with warm water, beginning to slowly clean up your cuts and scrapes from any dirt and gravel. Every time you hissed, Jimins ears twitched and Jungkook sat up straighter to get a look at you- not because he didn't trust namjoon, but because he just had to make sure you were okay.

Namjoon took out some larger bandaids and placed them onto your knees since they were actually bleeding, but simply brushed over the backs of your hands when he was done. "Try not to do much with them okay? Its better if we leave them like that. It'll heal faster." He said, and you nodded, still a bit pouty and awfully quiet, but everyone could see your interest in the scent that slowly began to creep through the apartment; jin's cooking. "Alright buttercup, go get changed and then let's eat, alright?" He said, silently telling you that you both would talk in private soon. You knew he had made a decision, and you hoped it was for you, not against.

Jungkook stood up, stepping aside so you all could walk outside, Taehyung running towards you and hugging you tightly. "Don't do that again." He mumbled, and you nodded, your own cheeks growing a bit red at the close proximity. "Lets go! Jin made your favorite!" He said, and you followed behind him.

"Hyung-" Jungkook started, thinking about how to apologize, since it was needed, but the older one beat him to it.

"It's fine Jungkook. It maybe wasn't the best moment, but you were right. I guess I can't leave the protecting-part solely to you, huh?" He said, making the young alphawolf scoff and playfully push his shoulder.

After you all ate, you slowly went outside the kitchen after helping jin a bit, even though he scolded you for using your hands. Suddenly, someone came up in front of you, wrapping his own hands around your tiny form compared to him, and burying his nose into your head between your ears, the soft fur of them brushing against his cheeks, making him sigh happily. "You're part of my pack you brat." He mumbled into your hair, squeezing you a bit tighter while careful not to hurt you. "I don't like people taking away whats mine." He said again, and suddenly, he heard the rest of his family coo at him and you, making him raise an eyebrow. He had hugged you before, so what? But then he noticed it too.

The happy wagging of your tail.

This have been 5 Chapters, combined in one post. Because R0ADKiLL's chapters are fairly short I've decided to make one out of them, simply to get you all on the same page of the stories progress up until now. The writing officially belongs to R0ADKiLL, not me. Only future chapters are mine. =) Thanks again to R0ADKiLL for giving me her baby practically, I promise I'll take care of it!

[onlyhereforangst]

WWR

i mean i only had three weeks to get it done so naturally i’m finishing it three days before the next ep airs, would you expect anything less?

Ok we start off hot with a subtly jealous Nick scene and I love it. Ellie is like stunned that such a thing even exists “a covid crush” because lets be honest, she probably has no eyes for anyone else at this point - even if it’s been a YEAR (well 10ish months) a whole ass YEAR since the jail cell scene and can I just tell you I am mad about that. Why they do us dirty and skip a whole dang year?? Why can’t we quick flash forward every couple of months?? I mean I know it has felt like an entire year has gone by in a week, RIP 2020 no one will miss you, but like I wanted to see it 😩 and I better get at least some kind of explanation for whatever the F has gone down between these two from “well what are we gonna to about that as we stand 5 inches apart” to now. I demand this explanation. 

Anyways, back on track here - Nick is jealllllllous BUT different kind of jealous for this man because for once he’s not all dark and broody about it. He’s over here willingly, *willingly* bringing up said jealousy aaaand he’s smiling about it (!!!) because despite them still not being together (where’s the Gibbs’ headslap when you actually need it amiright) he’s not worried about this crush. He knows her feelings and his so it’s like yeah I’m a little jealous but also I’m gooood, I got this one in the bag 😏 (also can I just say I need Ellie to show him he does not in fact ‘have this in the bag’ if he’s gonna act like a little shit and push her away). 

This whole thing about babysitting and not wanting to take care of other living beings is very very very interesting considering they both loved taking care of Charlie (Cody, I blame this on pregnancy brain thank you @thekeyboardninja) in the end AND EVEN TALKED ABOUT PARENTING EVENTUALLY. So like, where did we backtrack??? Excuse me who allowed you to do such things. I’m feeling like they likely backtracked (this was s16 after all) because once again, the dust settled after their super close vulnerable moment and they went and hid behind those stupid walls they both have and somehow convinced themselves that being alone was better for them. IT’S A LIE YALL IT’S A LIE. You being together and taking care of each other is exactly what you need and it’ll be perfect and amazing and just DO IT ALREADY 😭

The team moment with Jimmy is so 🥺 and throughout the episode. I’m not going to touch on that stuff much because this is ellick focused but also because I truly do not need to sob again (even if I called Breena dying from covid like months ago and knew exactly what was coming with all of it but you know, I still cry, it’s fine, I’m fine). 

Ellie knowing Gibbs uses a weighted blanket and Nick doubting her is just comical to me 😂 mini side note before we get into how they have a thiiiiiing and it’s called always getting dibs on the elevator in tandem for months and McGee HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL. These two are so in sync even if they are still spectacularly failing at talking this out & taking that next step. Also months of Gibbs riding down the elevator with just those two…….the third wheeling must be slowly killing the old dude, give him a break you two. 

Tell me why these two have the exact same stance in the bullpen- could you be more obvious?? You rubbing off on each other. And then the walking up to the barbershop scene I caaaan’t. Ellie is SO flirty. Like so flirty. Who is this new Ellie and why do I love her so much. But Nick gives it right back too and her little giggle with shoulder shrug is just perfect. She’s fiiiiinally letting herself *feel* more and let it be out in the open and it’s just so great. I love seeing this character development for her 🥺 walls coming down, being more forward with her flirting and feelings and it’s all I’ve ever needed. Also we’re gonna take a small detour into Nick’s pants I mean the notebook he casually stashes in the front of his jeans like it doesn’t make a person look RIGHT. THERE. Don’t ask me why it’s hot, I don’t know the answers to the universe, it just is. We knoooooow Ellie is loving it’s location there, she wouldn’t mind flirtatiously taking it out at the next stop to “check” where they needed to go. You know, just helping a partner out- don’t worry Nick she’s got it handled 😏😏🔥🔥 Ok back from our detour, when Nick asks if she’s got him and she answers so quickly and almost with the undercurrent of “of course I do how is that even a question I’ll protect you until the day I die” (yes this is what she says), I love. 

Ok since when does Nick like puzzles and how does Ellie know this??? He was most certainly NOT a puzzle kind of guy when he first joined the team so are you telling me that maybe Ellie and her nerdiness (come on there’s no way she doesn’t love puzzles) got Nick into puzzles??? Also also also does everyone remember that time in covid lockdown where literally everyone and their mother did five thousand puzzles because we couldn’t leave our houses? Soooooo is this a nod to Ellie & Nick spending some time together doing puzzles (at presumably Ellie’s apartment because she’d be the one to have said puzzles) and turns out Nick loves them even more than she did???? Is this what you’re making me read in between the lines NCIS? Because I am most certainly ok with this. 

Ooooooooh-kay this 8pm thing for Nick. SO many possibilities. It’s been confirmed it wasn’t Ellie (which I won’t lie was my immediate wish) via Steven Binder on twitter (which I also won’t lie, my angst heart loves it’s something else). My take is it’s something (not another girl though) personal- I would *love* if it was therapy or some type of personal development thing. I think he realizes over the past year he has involuntarily retreated emotionally from Ellie even if outwardly it doesn’t show (no personal space and continued flirting). I think he *knows* he’s doing it emotionally and yet can’t figure out how to stop himself from doing it- like on the outside of his body watching him make a dumb mistake but unable to change a damn thing. SO I feel like whatever this 8pm thing is will play into that. It’ll somehow be related to Nick diving deeper into himself and trying to get more in touch with the parts of himself he loves to ignore/hide/push down. That could be therapy, a self-help class, getting in touch with family (but I don’t think he would feel the need to get secretive about this. i mean he already brought up Lucia to this dude, why would he all of a sudden be ashamed of a dinner/meeting with his mom or dad or something? i just don’t buy that). But anyways back to the point- it’s something Nick feels the need to hide in shame because that’s how he’s been conditioned as an undercover agent who feels the need to be tough and strong for everyone and being vulnerable is WAY too scary (helloooooo enneagram 8 nice to meet you I’m also an enneagram 8 Nick isn’t it fun). 

I don’t know why them talking so casually on the phone, while Nick is getting ready for the day no less is so damn pleasing to me. The simple domesticity of it all because it’s totally something one would do with their spouse is just 🥰🥰 And then their little freaking smiles can THEY NOT. Ellie you like glazed donuts?? Is this some kind of hint? Innuendo? Just a glaringly obvious chance to flirt and you don’t give a rat’s ass you’re in the middle of the bullpen with Gibbs’ listening to your conversation so you’ll take that chance anyways because you’re head over heels for this guy? Either way Nick’s little smirk oof. I think he takes it as all three of those things and he’s *perfectly* ok with it. UNTIL until, there’s always an until with you Nicholas god damn. Ellie nervously asking about NIck’s apartment 🥺 she may be head over heels but she’s still a little shy and unsure. She thought that jail cell moment would break things through for them and yet she’s- not to quote Taylor swift or anything because why on earth would I do that- right where you left her. WHY NICHOLAS WHY. Since we know Ellie has seen and is very familiar with the inner workings of Nick’s apartment come 16x10, I presume he moved, and it sounds like recently. From the looks of this new place it’s niiiiice. For someone who doesn’t like a lot of things (see s14 when he joins team I don’t remember the exact ep sorry) - he sure managed to settle into that apartment quite nicely. It’s furnished well, it’s homey for DC. And if he’s moved into it since after the jail cell, letting Ellie in is likely a big step in his eyes. But we know this has got to be a weird shift for Ellie. Seemingly so comfortable in each others’ spaces and now she hasn’t even been invited over?? Yeah you smell something fishy girl just like I do. Even if Nick has a cute ass smirk at the end of his little charade to hang up the phone. Wipe that smirk off your face sir you owe us I mean Ellie an explanation and a visit to your apartment. SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR HOUSEGUEST. SHE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR HOUSE. SHE WANTS TO BE IN YOUR PANTS WHILE IN THAT HOUSE. JUST LET HER ALREADY. Ok I’m done, moving on. 

Ok the guys opening the doors dramatically to let the one (1) woman on the team make a super badASS entrance is just 🔥🔥🔥 yes love it. 

Excuse me why does Ellie feel the need to completely turn her body from the rest of the team/bullpen to be 100% faced on Nick. Body language don’t lie bitch I see you. And Nick stealing a glance at Ellie before having to answer McGee’s question about roommates…..interesting, very interesting sir. You thinking about how she’s going to react to some rando being in your apartment AND staying the night before she has?? You thinking about making her a permanent roommate?? But of course he turns to quick humor for a hot sec because this is Nick and then shockingly, like actually shockingly (is this that personal development, soul-searching, deep dive into emotional wonderland rubbing off on him??? Is it working is this foreshadowing???) he goes and gets deep on ‘em. And McGee calls him on it and I love it, I really think this is some foreshadowing here. I think we’re seeing some of the work Nick is doing on himself, getting himself ready for as serious as a relationship as he knows it’ll be with Ellie, paying off. He’s thinking about ~*emotional*~ consequences to actions and OOF yes. The growth, I live for the fucking growth. “It’s not easy to get through the tough transitions on your own” you say as you literally tried to do that for actual YEARS until you met this team. Until you met Ellie. Until you realized that emotional fallout was a real thing and you my friend are a terrible victim to it. Because guess what- exhibit A is right here about to ask you to dinner and you gonna turn her down. You quite literally tried to get through a tough transition (re: Ellie’s kidnapping & the two bombs) by yourself. That dust settled and you immediately emotionally retreated, not physically- emotionally. You went back to what you always knew, the lone wolf on your own, endure the tough transition. And yes you’ve been doing some work on yourself, but now- now you realize it. You can’t do work on yourself alone. You can’t go through this shit alone. You need your support system- your person. But that thought truly terrifies you. You’ve realized it but are you ready to act on it? Not quite yet. You might be close, but you still can’t bring yourself to be honest with her yet. When Ellie nervously asks Nick if he wants to grab a bite you can feel her start to (it’s probably been there quite a while but she’s tried to ignore the feeling of him emotionally shutting her out and pushing her away but the houseguest thing brought it back full force) really worry about where they stood. She won’t completely admit it to herself because she knows what was said in the jail cell wasn’t a lie or a dramatization for either of them, but that worry that’s been creeping in like a vine is taking hold. Nick saying “there’s something I need to take care of” hmmmmm I feel like this is SO vague. And probably purposely done so by the writers but I just - if it was solely him bringing the dude back to his daughter’s why wouldn’t he just tell Ellie that? What would be the harm in her knowing this? She’s aware you’ve bonded so why would he not just say that? I feel like there was definitely something else he thought he would go do after it. With all the talk of tough transitions and then his obviously pre-made plans to drop this guy off, I just feel like there was some other task he had planned before McGee called him. And him discussing the reset button (I’ll get to this) just kind of solidifies that for me. He’d been doing a LOT of reflection that day and he had something more major planned, I just wish I knew what 😩 Ok back to Ellie’s response, she’s honestly shocked and a little confused at his ominously vague answer. And I’d wager a tiny bit of hurt is in that expression too. All those vines of worry taking hold? Yeah, that’s why. They even just tightened and made her speechless for a second. The emotional withdrawal she feared was being confirmed in front of her very eyes. Because (at least on our screens) the last time Nick turned down a bite to eat with her? Oh yeah, he was dating fucking Elena. (Once again, I don’t think he’s got another girl but y’all this is the parallel Ellie could easily draw seeing as it was only a few months ago, supposedly.) And he even looks almost guilty about turning her down, like he knows it’s probably hurting her (and their relationship) but he can’t help it. He hates that he’s doing it and the words coming from his mouth (good lord it’s like the end of 17x07 with overprotective/you’re like a sister to me all over again) but he can’t stop it. And then my heart breaks for Ellie when she tries to put on a brave, strong face that claims she isn’t bothered by his rejection yet we all knoooooow 😭😭😭 He gives her a small little “night” and she’s just standing there wondering where the hell she went wrong with this, how she read them all wrong. 

Ahhhhh the glorious reset button, ya love to see it. When he claims he has the opposite problem you can see his faraway look in his eye. You know *exactly* what, or better yet who, he’s thinking about in that moment. He knows he has to stop avoiding his emotional growth with Ellie. He knows he has to stop hitting the reset button the second things between them get real. And I think he’s known this for a while now but is finally, finally coming to grips with taking real steps forward. Taking steps to embrace the vulnerability he’s terrified of. Finally putting that reset button away 🥺

Ellie knowing Nick has one tie is just another swoon moment. Yes I could get dirty with that (see my tags on previous gifsets for proof) but like, also this is so real of them? They know so damn much about each other it’s insane. She may not have even been in his apartment yet but she knows he owns one tie. Like- come on. Nick you think you’re emotionally distant from this woman but my god it’s the opposite. You two are so intertwined you don’t even realize it as you chuckle and try once again to avoid thinking about that reset button. And then Jimmy goes and reads that letter and I sob. Yes I sobbed. Like I said not getting into this part because my pregnancy hormones can’t handle this (I’m barely rewatching this part with audio ok). But Jimmy’s words voiced over a shot of ellick…take my heart why don’t you. “To hear a laugh, and know that your life would change for ever” like come ON. First, Jimmy you slay me and second, all I can picture is Ellie chuckling with Nick in the bullpen showing him the clicker settings and Nick loving it. Nick your life would be changed forever in that moment I hope you knew. Ellie, pulling her arm around Nick’s for strength, support, I just-. Despite the turmoil she’s been going through, the doubts and the worry that’s crept in- she still feels it. She still feels love for this man and knows her life was changed forever when she met him. No matter how long she tried to deny it, she knows. And that little piece of her that desperately clings to Nick getting his head out of his ass and opening up emotionally to her, that piece decides to break that sliver of personal space and lean on him for support. She needs to touch him- the man who she can’t picture losing like Jimmy lost Breena. She needs to feel him still there, even if he hasn’t completely realized his life changed forever because of her- she has. Gripping his arm for the comfort it gives in knowing he’s still by her side, his hand brushing hers as an involuntary “I’ve got you” (even a reset button pusher like Nick can’t help his reflexes). The gravity of the fragility of life weighing heavily on them both, they hold each other. They’ve got each other. And good god is that poetry we just need them to actually fucking TALK ABOUT IT 😩😭

I don’t know if I even have side notes but I do appreciate NCIS paying homage to the utter grief this pandemic has been. Jimmy being the one to lose a loved one was quite honestly the perfect scenario to me. It shows just how cruel this pandemic has been, ripping even the most optimistic, happy people down to their knees in grief. It’s something that shouldn’t be glossed over and I do hope they continue to have this arc of struggling with grief throughout the season. I think it is so relatable and refreshing to see played out legitimately on the screen. I don’t want happy, go-lucky stale content. I want something real and something tangible. Yes I love my mindless entertainment, but it’s also nice to see *real* drama on a TV drama. At least, that’s my opinion 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’d apologize but isn’t that why you’re reading this to begin with? 😘😘

[holyhellpod]

4. Fambily

In this episode, we skim the surface of the fambily dynamics in Supernatural, which are--ah. Dicey at best. 

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Transcript under the cut!

Content warnings: domestic violence and family abuse

[Growl]

Ah, the Winchesters. Where do we even start. Unhinged, deranged, and continually traumatised in every way, Sam and Dean complete each other. At least, that’s what the show wants us to think. Despite the ways they betray each other, lie to each other, and  piss each other off, they are fambily. And fambily is the most important thing. The concept of Fambily in the show Supernatural (2005-2020) takes many twists and turns throughout its run. In the first five minutes of episode one, the heteronormative, nuclear family of John, Mary, Sam and Dean is ripped apart by an unknown, antagonistic force that represents all the evil in the world. It creeps into a nursery and eviscerates a white, blonde mother while preying upon a 👶, I mean, how much more evil can you get? It’s fantastic that, in the later seasons especially, Supernatural embraces this idea that fambily doesn’t end in blood, but blood doesn’t always mean fambily. By the end of the series, the fambily concept has expanded to include two dads, an aunt and uncle, and a thirty-year old infant. I’m going to talk about the finale in its own episode, so that my ire will have its proper outlet. 

When the show starts, Sam, Dean and John have each other, and only each other. By the time season 2 really kicks off, Sam and Dean don’t have John anymore, but they do have Bobby Singer. The concept of the triumvirate follows them throughout the series as though they’re in a less sexy Italo Calvino novel—first Sam, Dean and John, then Sam, Dean and Bobby, then Sam, Dean and Ruby, then Sam, Dean and Cas, then Sam, Dean and Mary, then Sam, Dean and Jack. It’s broken in seasons 13-15 when Cas comes back and they have a family of four, and then five when Mary can stand to see her boys.  

But the Winchesters are not the only fambily in Supernatural who matter. In season two, we’re introduced to the Harvelles, mother Ellen and daughter Jo, who are a hunting fambily who run a hunter pub in the middle of whoop whoop. A pub that Eric Kripke famously hated, and rejoiced when he burnt it down at the end of season 2, because the Winchesters and by extension everyone they know aren’t allowed to have anything good ever. It’s revealed in season two episode “No Exit” that John got Jo’s father killed on a hunt, which obviously affects Jo more than it does Sam and Dean. 

[Editing note:] Okay I’m editing this episode, and I’m not happy with it. I’m not going to scrap it completely because I think I do have good points to say, but the general analysis of this episode is so surface level. It is basically contributing nothing to the conversation. And I started this podcast in order to actually contribute something to the culture. I could make a bunch of text posts on tumblr or I could spend hours and hours and hours and hours of my life to something that — I don’t know. Is it bringing me joy? Not at the moment. But, yeah. So I’m not going to scrap this episode completely but this is my way of saying from now on the episodes are going to take as much as they will take and I will commit myself to having deeper and more thoughtful analysis. And if I have to spend an entire episode on one aspect of one thing, I will. I could be at university right now studying a masters or a PhD in fucking literary analysis but instead I’m sitting on my bed making a Supernatural podcast because it brings me joy. It does. It really makes me happy and I don’t want to abandon this project, because people are listening to it. I don’t know why, I don’t know what you like it about it, but you’re listening. And I just think I owe it to myself to make things that I support 100%. So I’ll continue this episode and hopefully this rambling hasn’t put you off it completely. But from now on, I’m going to really, really talk about things that matter in regards to Supernatural… Kind of an oxymoron. Kind of a contradiction. But things that contribute to the cultural consciousness instead of just rehashing the road so far. That’s all I want to do. I want to contribute. I want to say good…ful things. Okay this is making me happy. It’s already working, it’s already making me happy. I’m just going to keep rambling and laughing. Okay so, more thoughtful analysis, deeper analysis. Things that make you think. Things that make me think. Instead of just a bunch of words that mean nothing. Okay, continuing on.

Okay to figure out which episode this was I had to watch a little bit of season two, and I’m still on my season 13 rewatch. The difference between the two seasons. I don’t know if I can even put into words the growth this show has gone through, and the characters have gone through, over the last 15 years. It would be like summarising my own growth by combing through my extensive diary collection and the years of societally- and governmentally-enforced heterosexuality that has plagued my entire life. Those boys are babies in season two. The bootcut jeans alone. Sam is literally 23 years old. I don’t even talk to 23 year olds. I block them on social media.  

The Harvelles are a blip in the Winchester map. While the actors Samantha Ferris and Chad Lindberg did attempt to resuscitate their cultural currency months after the show ended by participating in an event — okay I can’t. I can’t even go into it. Like, clearly Samantha Ferris heard back from her representation as soon as she started posting those tweets and realised she wouldn’t continue to get money if she endorsed, well, the gays. And Chad Lindberg was just using the clout to push his Etsy wares like a 14th century merchant, so I gotta respect the hustle. But Jo and Ellen die in season 5 episode “Abandon All Hope” and are barely mentioned again except the episode Ash appears in, season 5 “Dark side of the moon,” Jo in season 7, “Defending Your Life,” and Ellen in the season 6 episode “My heart will go on.” They didn’t exactly leave what you would call a lasting impact for the next, you know, ten seasons. 

To be honest, I’m not sure when it’s revealed that Bobby’s wife died after being possessed by a demon. It’s made clear in season 5 “Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid,” and I did not have to look that up, because season four and five are burned into my retinas like a particularly nasty sun flare. Bobby outlines the horrific way he killed his wife, because why not throw some spousal violence into the mix, and later in season 7 “Death’s Door,” it elaborates on their life together. I saw this sentiment expressed on TikTok, which we all know as the foundation of cultural knowledge, which was that fambilies don’t need to be two parents and children. Fambilies can be spouses or partners. You don’t need to have children in order to be a fambily. I think that’s a very nice sentiment and I’ve chosen to adopt it for these purposes. Bobby and his wife Karen are a fambily. While Karen wants kids, Bobby chooses not to have them for fear of becoming like his father and repeating the trauma he inflicted on Bobby. Bobby and Karen’s fambily dynamic is ruptured in the same way that John and Mary’s is—by an intrusive, demonic force that brings Bobby into the hunting world and ends Karen’s life. But by the time we see him at the end of season 1, Bobby is already ingratiated into Sam and Dean’s lives as their surrogate father, and this bond only deepens as the show progresses. Bobby expresses the sentiment to Dean to not be like John, that Dean is already a better man that his father ever was. Isn’t that what we all want to hear? That we have superseded our parents and outgrown them in ways they could never comprehend? Don’t we just want to be better than the generations that came before us, in order to mould a better world for the generations that come after us? Don’t we want to make things easier for our children, and our friends’ children, and our siblings’ children? Dean is a better man than John, and Bobby is better man than his father ever was. It’s about breaking the cycles of intergenerational trauma. I have to believe that Sam, Dean and Bobby did this, because then it’s possible for me to do the same thing. Include here that speech about representation in media that I didn’t bother writing for the last episode. Bobby is the surrogate father to Sam and Dean, a better father than John was, a better hunter even. He crafts an entire network of hunters who report to him, as seen in the season 6 episode “Weekend at Bobby’s,” and he continues to act as Sam and Dean’s mentor until his death in season 7 “How to win friends and influence monsters”. An alternate universe version of Bobby is introduced in season 13, which I have my reservations about, and he and Mary get together, which again, why. Season 13 is so hard to sit through. 

A fambily that is introduced late into the series and is simply NOT given enough screen time is the Banes fambily. In season 12, “Celebrating the life of Asa Fox,” we are introduced to the Banes twins, Max and Alicia, who are by far the most gorgeous hunters we’ve seen in the series. They are hunters raised by a witch, Tasha Banes, who doesn’t appear yet, and they manage to survive the trial by fire that is overcoming the demon Jael. Later in this season, in the episode “Twigs and Twane and Tasha Banes,” both of which are written by the late great Steve Yockey, we are introduced to Tasha in a way that seems awfully familiar: Alicia calls Sam to say their mother has gone missing on a hunt, and hasn’t checked in in a few days. By the end of the episode, Alicia and Tasha are dead, and Max has ostensibly sold his soul for the power to bring Alicia back. The Banes twins’ storyline directly parallels Sam and Dean’s from the pilot, but it’s a tragedy from the outset. We already know Tasha is dead and they can’t save her, however, like Dean does for Sam at the end of season 2, Max chooses to save Alicia at the expense of his own soul. Spin off when. Banes twins series when. I’m waiting. They were in two episodes and I’m still thinking about them. The Harvelles are dust. 

In season 7, “Reading is Fundamental,” a waifish 17 year old honour’s student Kevin Tran breaks into a rehabilitation facility to steal a tablet. This starts a chain of events that ingratiates Kevin Tran in the apocalyptic, death-succumbing world of the Winchesters, starting with Dick Roman, head leviathan, and continuing, but not culminating, with his death at the hands of Gadreel, who was possessing Sam, it’s a whole thing. Any time you attempt to summarise anything on Supernatural, you sound like a lunatic. And I say that as someone who has a supernatural podcast, with an audience of only supernatural fans. We are lunatics, but we’re lunatics together. Kevin’s arc was cut way too short, but we at least got to see him with his momma Linda in the beginnings of season 8 with the unfortunately named episode “What’s up, Tiger Mommy?” It introduces Linda Tran as a capable and worldly woman, hell bent on protecting her son. She offers up her soul among other things in exchange for Kevin and the tablet with him. During the episode, she is possessed by Crowley, and Dean attempts to kill him, which would mean killing Linda as well. Kevin considers this the ultimate betrayal and leaves with his mum. Later in season 9 episode “Captives,” Linda is reintroduced as a captive of Crowley, who escapes with Sam’s help. Back at the bunker, she reunites with Kevin, who is now, thanks to the Winchesters’ incompetence, a ghost 👻. My macbook keeps suggesting little emojis in the smart bar so I just gotta put ‘em in. That’s the last we see of Linda, so I’m drawing my own conclusions about whether she gets to live a long and happy life. Kevin is a fan favourite and despite my reservations about Osric Chau which I will not get into like ever I really like Kevin too. He outsmarts Crowley many times and shows remarkable tenacity to get an impossible job done. His desire to see his mum again, the driving force behind his actions, mirrors Dean’s desperation to have his fambily together again like they used to be. I would call this a parallel but I don’t believe they purposefully did this, I just think they accidentally rehashed the same tired storyline they’ve been peddling since 2005. But yeah, if I was Kevin and all I had was my mum, seeing her again would be the driving force for my actions as well. Kevin’s father is never mentioned, and it honestly isn’t a big deal, which is great. Sometimes fathers are just absent, and you don’t need throw a hissy fit about it or make it your entire personality, Dean.

Missouri Moseley, played by the inimitable Loretta Devine, is introduced in the first season, episode “Home,” in which she helps out on a case involving Sam and Dean’s childhood house. We find out that Missouri is a long-time friend of John’s and helped him to understand that supernatural forces were behind Mary’s death. She is Sam and Dean’s first point of entry into the world of the Supernatural, and they didn’t know it until they meet her in “Home”. In season 13 episode “Patience,” another layer to Missouri’s character is added with the advent of her family: estranged son James and granddaughter Patience Turner, who is also a psychic. We get a lot of backstory for Missouri in this episode, even if it is sloppily written and contradictory to the way they initially set her up. If Missouri and James had been travelling when he was a child, why was she stationed in Lawrence in both 1983 and 2005? What did he mean that Missouri was hunting? I can’t be bothered unpacking the confusing bits of information presented in this episode. It’s not a good episode and I really don’t see why everyone goes apeshit for Bobo Berens. He kills Missouri in this episode, in a really horrible way. Like the history of Supernatural’s racism and misogyny should not be dumped on one man, but nor should it be perpetuated and it is continually throughout the entire show. Confusing, contradictory and badly written backstory aside, she is an interesting character, and her willingness to sacrifice herself to save her family echoes that of Mary in “Home”. I’m actually really mad that Patience never gets to have a relationship with Missouri, and later in season 13 episode “The Bad Place,” Patience’s father tells her that if she leaves to help The Winchesters and uses her psychic abilities, she’s not welcome back in his house. To me that’s just unnecessary. We have a family that has already been ruptured by the death of Patience’s mother, further ruptured by Patience’s father cutting off contact with Missouri, and then to go a step further he disintegrates their family unit by kicking Patience out. Like how much loss do the Moseley-Turners have to endure? It’s really just cruel at this point. But Patience does find family with Jodie, Donna, Claire, Alex and eventually Kaia, and while I love the concept of found family and this found family in particular, it comes at the expense of biological family, which is something that the show has pushed from the very first episode. So that’s evolution in itself. Going from “fambily is the most important thing to these characters” to “found fambily is where we find love” is great, but ripping apart a biological fambily like the Moseley-Turners, and indeed starting the episode by saying Missouri has been shunted out of her son and granddaughter’s lives for trying to bring her son comfort, is just fucked. Like, I couldn’t name a single Bobo episode that I actually like without having to comb through them. I’m trying really hard not to shit all over him because as a writer I know how much that sucks and I know how hard is it for any marginalised writers to get a start, but I’m allowed to have my vendettas. 

If you’ve watched the “Runs In The Family” angels MV from 2010, and only if you’ve watched the “Runs In The Family” angels MV from 2010, you will understand just how jacked up the angel family really is. The angelic counterpoint to Sam and Dean are the archangels Lucifer and Michael. We are introduced to two different versions of Michael—one in season 5, who possesses their dad in 1979 and their brother Adam in 2010—my god that was literally over a decade ago—and Apocalypse World Michael, played by four different actors: Felisha Terrell, Christian Keyes, Jensen Ackles, and Ruth Connell, who plays Rowena. I don’t know what in the hell Jensen Ackles was doing performance-wise when playing Michael, but I consider it a federal crime akin to drug trafficking or money laundering. As for Christian Keyes playing Michael, Andrew Dabb, you know what you did and you’re going to have to live with that.  

In season 5, during the apocalypse, Michael and Lucifer only interact in the last episode, “Swan Song,” but the entire season is built around their conflict. Lucifer disobeyed their father, and Michael as God’s most powerful weapon must defeat him. It’s meant to mirror Sam’s descent into, uhhhh, badness or something, disobeying John to run away to Stanford, or, like, drinking demon blood? It’s unclear. Lucifer and Apocalypse World Michael interact in season 13, and Michael kills Lucifer only to take over Dean’s body and start a season-long arc of, like, bad acting and barely thought-out plots. I would say to Jensen Ackles “don’t quit your day job,” but this is literally his day job. 

The angels as they’re introduced in season 4 are warriors of god, and all they know is obedience and killing. Even Cas can’t break out of the cycle of killing his angel siblings, and often justifies it by saying that it’s for the greater good, that he needs to do it to take down a stronger force like Raphael or Metatron. Anna manages to break free of her family by falling and becoming human, but when Cas betrays her and the angels capture her, she is lobotomised, tortured and sent back out to kill Sam. Then she’s burned to a crisp by Michael possessing John, not the last time a woman would burn to death on this show. The angels are dysfunctional at best, and actively hostile to each other, especially Castiel, the infamous spanner in the works. I could write an entire academic paper about how the angels think of Castiel as this rebel slut who murdered his way to the top and is going to be the downfall of angel kind, but Dean thinks of him as this little nerdy guy with a harp he carries around in his back pocket. Which honestly Cas would love because he’s obsessed with Dean and wants to touch his butt. I don’t know what else I can say about the angels without turning this into a dissertation, so I’ll continue on.

While all seasons of the show are about family, season six is especially about matrilineal family. It introduces the concept of the mother of monsters—Eve—and focuses on Mary as a solution to the loneliness the characters feel after her death. Samuel Campbell, Mary’s father, is brought back to life and manipulated by the promise of seeing his daughter again. He asks Sam and Dean what they wouldn’t do to see Mary again, which is kind of the general thesis of the show. What wouldn’t John, Dean and Sam do for each other? Dean sells his soul. John makes a deal with the demon who killed Mary. Sam teams up with Ruby to kill Lilith in revenge, which begins as a suicide mission because he doesn’t know how to handle his grief for Dean. The difference is that Samuel betrays Sam and Dean, his own grandchildren, for the promise of seeing Mary again. This cardinal sin alienates him from being a good guy, because good guys never betray Sam and Dean. Sam and Dean are our protagonists! Our heroes! The bringers of the light! The knights in shining armour! The white on rice. The cherry in cherry pie. They are the ones we’re meant to align ourselves with, because it’s their story the narrative is telling. And anyone who doesn’t align themselves with the Winchesters is an enemy who needs to be defeated.   

We’re introduced to the character of Gwen in the first episode of season 6, “Exile on Main Street”, and she says in the episode “Family Matters” that Samuel, the patriarch, doesn’t like her very much because she reminds him of Mary. While Samuel, Christian, Gwen and co are technically family, Dean has no connection to them past bloodlines. And as I said before, while family doesn’t end in blood, we learn throughout this season that blood doesn’t always mean family. Gwen dies in the episode “And Then There Were None,” because of course she does, and Mary doesn’t come back, at least not in this season. 

In “Family Matters,” the alpha vampire, played by the irreplaceable Rick Worthy, mentions that “we all have our mothers,” referring to Eve, the mother of monsters, the one who spawned every other monster and who has been trapped in purgatory ever since. Eve is pulled from Purgatory to wage war against the hunters and Crowley because they have been preying on her first borns, the alphas. I love Eve. I love her. She’s my favourite villain after Metatron. Mainly because I think she is like… sexy as hell. Like wow I am just so attracted to Julia Maxwell and this, like, bored smokey affect thing she does where she barely moves her mouth when she speaks and her strong brow makes her seem so intimidating. I don’t know anything about her personally, but I feel like she would’ve bullied me in high school, and I’m into it. It’s really hard to judge just from this one role whether she’s a good actor because Eve has such limited range and few things to do, but I really wish she’d gotten more screen time. Yeah, she’s doing the bare minimum and I’m completely obsessed. But Eve isn’t just a monster, she’s literally THEE milf. The original milf. And I really think she should’ve stayed around, but since they kept Lisa alive they had to kill at least one high profile woman. 

Continuing with the family storylines in season 6, Dean tries to establish a family with Lisa and Ben, and for the most part succeeds. He gets a job, plays the role of the doting boyfriend and stepfather, and protects them as best he can. I’m going to spare you the rant perched at the tip of my tongue about how this is at best a lavender marriage or staying together for the kid, and that Lisa only exists to be an ideal for Dean, not an actual partner he can grow with throughout the rest of the show. It’s his first attempt at a fambily outside of Sam, Bobby and John, and it fails miserably because Lisa isn’t a good match. The fact is, she will never be able to fit into the hunting world because of the way the writers wrote her—as mother and girlfriend archetype, and we’ve seen how well they do with those—in fact they actively paralleled it in “Exile on Main Street” where they had Dean hallucinate Azazel coming back and pinning Lisa to the ceiling. It couldn’t be more obvious that they don’t respect her. At least they didn’t fridge her for Dean’s man pain. It’s honestly horrible because Dean put so much effort into believing this was his one chance at happiness, and when it crumbles like a tim tam in hot tea he beats himself up for it and uses it as an excuse to never be happy. 

He does seem to be happy for the most part with Lisa, but because Sera Gamble doesn’t know how to write interesting or complex female characters, when Sam reenters the picture it once again becomes about the original premise: two brothers on the road, fighting the forces of evil. There’s no room for any women in that sphere. Up until this point I think—correct me if I’m wrong—there has been one female hunter who survived, and she was in one episode. The hunter Tamara in season 3 “The Magnificent Seven,” whose husband died in maybe the most sadistic way anyone has died on this show. Don’t rewatch it, just google it. All women die, including Mary, their mother, who is brought back in season 12 and killed in season 14. AND FOR WHAT? For WHAT Andrew Dabb.

Often, the loss of a parent, child or significant other is used to excuse bad behaviour and terrible choices. The hunting life causes Mary’s whole family to die before she can escape it, and because she makes a deal with Azazel for John’s life, the same demon John makes a deal with, Azazel kills her anyway. John abused his kids and brought them into the hunting life, because he was obsessed with getting revenge for Mary’s death. Sam does the same thing when Jess dies in the first season, and it starts a 15-season long arc of pain and misery. He sets Lucifer free in the season four because he is obsessed with getting revenge for Dean’s death and obsessed with the power drinking demon blood gives him. Then again, Sam is actually right for saving people by exorcising demons, which is literally the first part of the family business motto,  instead of just gutting them with the demon knife, but because Dean doesn’t agree with it, it’s bad. Sam always wants to do the right thing, he just gets a little caught up in the details. But you know what? Bloodfreak rights. 

When Cas dies in season 13, Dean is so overcome with grief, a grief that echoes John and Sam’s, that he mistreats Jack and threatens to kill him. In season 14, Nick, Lucifer’s vessel, boo snore hiss, kills everyone involved with the murder of his wife and child before he finds out that it’s actually Lucifer’s doing, and then he tries to raise Lucifer from the empty because he’s addicted to killing? Whatever, stop employing Mark Pellegrino. Stop writing men as obsessed with getting revenge 

The biological fambilies in Supernatural suck shit. Honestly every time I watch an episode about fambily I’m even more glad I don’t talk to mine. Dean and Sam need to spend some time away from each other, while they’re both still alive. Their fambily dynamic gets better as the show progresses, and I was pleased to see in season 12 that they do away with the codependency, constantly sacrificing themselves for each other, isolating themselves, betraying everyone they know for each other—they started to act like, you know, normal people. And that’s good. Sure, the show would not be anywhere without John sacrificing himself for Dean, and Dean sacrificing himself for Sam, and honestly that’s what made those first few seasons amazing. But after a while it becomes lazy writing, not parallels. A parallel that Supernatural pulled off is Sam comforting Magda in season 12 episode “The Survivor” in the way he needed to be comforted in season 1 and 2 as a psychic child. A parallel is Dean preparing Cas’s body for cremation in season 13  in counterpoint to the way Cas remade Dean’s body in season 4. This show can absolutely do parallels, some of the most beautiful parallels ever put on screen, but the last season was such lazy writing that I cannot forgive it. 

This has been an overall negative episode of Holy Hell, and that sucks. I don’t want to be so negative. I want to talk about the good things that Supernatural did, and share in joy with you all, so now I’m going to talk about the only positive I see with fambily in the entire show. 

For Dean, everyone older than him is a parent to disappoint, and everyone younger than him is a little sibling to protect. Cas is the exception, as there’s no way to define Dean and Cas’s relationship without acknowledging the reciprocal romantic ways they care about each other. Dean says on multiple occasions that Cas is like a brother to him, and that he’s Sam and Dean’s best friend. He actually drops the line, “After Sam and Bobby, you are the closest thing I have to family,” on Cas in season 6, and he acts like it’s nothing, but you can see in the expression on Cas’s face that Dean just recontextualised the entirety of Cas’s being in one sentence. Cas falls for Dean, gives up his family for Dean, and decides to follow him in the first act of free will we see on screen. And Dean, who has never known love without pain, says to Cas, you are fambily to me, I actively choose you, you belong in my life. But to belong in Dean’s life is to follow his plan, and when Cas doesn’t, he is punished for his hubris. Dean loves him, and he never even admits it.

Charlie becomes like a little sister to Dean, as does Jo. Jack is unequivocally Cas’s son, but becomes something of Dean’s son as well and some would argue Sam’s son. Claire becomes Cas’s daughter, but imprints so much on Dean that many, myself included, have come to consider Dean her father as well. If you subscribe to the idea that Dean and Cas are old marrieds, Dean would be Claire and Jack’s stepfather, and they would be a nuclear fambily all on their own. In season 14 “Lebanon,” when John says to Dean that he thought Dean would have settled down with a fambily, Dean says, “I have a fambily.” Just thinking about it gives me goosebumps.

Cas chooses to be a part of Claire’s life in season 10 “The Things We Left Behind” because he feels guilty about what happened to her after he possessed Jimmy, but after getting to know Claire he cares for her. The crime that is Claire and Cas not interacting after season 10, my god. That’s his daughter, you ghouls. But Claire and Dean do get more moments together. Dean, Sam and some British guy save Claire from turning into a werewolf, and Claire and the rest of the Wayward Sisters save Sam and Dean from the Bad Place. The Wayward Sisters are a found fambily all on their own, and since I could devote an entire episode to Jody’s little brood, I have chosen not to talk about them much, because this episode is at least half an hour, 34 minutes, and it would take up too much of my time. Claire is one of my favourite characters and I’ll be talking about her in the next ep, so stay tuned for that. 

Even before Jack is born, Cas becomes his protector. He goes from trying to convince Kelly to end her and Jack’s life, to being her pseudo-husband and the surrogate father to her child. To me personally, it’s the best thing this show has ever done. Cas, Kelly and Jack love each other in a way that is so wholly uncomplicated, that is so pure and so good. Once Cas becomes Jack’s protector, there’s never any question of whether they would hurt or betray each other. He is Cas’s son, his baby boy, and he loves Cas so much that he resurrects Cas from the empty. When they meet for the first time in season 13 “Tombstone” after Cas comes back, they fit into each other’s lives so easily. This is the part in writing this where I was absolutely sobbing my dick off. There are so many moments between them that show the kind of love that each of these characters deserved. Sam and Dean deserve to have that love from their father, and so does Cas. And together they build a family unit around caring for Jack that does indeed end the intergenerational trauma that plagues the Winchester fambily.

And that’s why season 16 is so important to me. I can make things better. Dean sorts his shit out, all of his shit: his alcoholism, depression, ADHD, borderline personality disorder, suicidal ideation, sexuality, gender, the fact that Cas is literally the love of his life and he gets to save him from the Empty the way Cas saved him from Hell. They plant flowers in the field where Dean spread Cas’s ashes in season 13, and they get married at Jody’s cabin with all their loved ones left alive. Claire walks Cas down the aisle and Jack is the flower girl, because he’s literally a three year old baby. Sam and Eileen raise a bunch of rugrats and the Wayward fambily continue the hunting legacy and have a Sunday afternoon roast every week. Dean and Cas raise Jack right, they cut up oranges for soccer practice and watch all his school plays. He and his cousins grow up knowing what it’s like not only to be loved, but to be looked after, to have all their needs met. They grow up normal, and the trauma that plagued their family is a thing of the past. It’s good, you know? It’s just fucking good.

[commander-diomika]

I just feel like i cannot do a single thing until I wrote out what happened with my ex. I feel completely clogged and broken down. I know this isn't exactly the same as journaling but here we go.

The timeline; five and a half years ago, Charlie and I got together. Two years later in early 2018 we moved in together after getting engaged. It was always an unconventional relationship structure; we're polyam, we've both got other partners, and I was very clear that I wanted to continue living with my queerplatonic life partner as well, so the three of us moved into together. We approached it carefully; I had said I never wanted to cohabit with a partner again, they weren't sure if it suited them. So we got a three bedroom place, everyone got a bedroom and Charlie got the garage as their study/rumpus room so they could have plenty of space for their computer and independence from me.

We'd been living together for a year, when out of the blue they told me they wanted to move out, citing not feeling like they had enough space from me, and being able to hear me have sex with my other partners was distressing as our bedrooms shared a wall. Up until this point I thought we'd been sharing fairly successfully for a pair of mentally ill, depressed people doing their best to support each other and share a bit of joy where we could. I was heartbroken and felt like this had been dropped on me out of nowhere. They'd never mentioned any issues or told me that hearing my sex life was upsetting them, or tried to bring me into that thought process at all. I told them off for making a unilateral decision about our relationship and living situation, and they agreed to stay and try and work on the issues instead of just leaving. This got long, more under the cut.

As a compromise, I moved my bedroom from upstairs next to theirs into the garage downstairs. That... wasn't ideal obviously? It's a poorly insulated room with no windows to the outside right next to the kitchen, but I was committed to them and I wanted them to be comfortable, whatever that took. I understood that this was an experimental solution, not one that promised to fix everything, but I spent the next six months checking in a LOT to make sure their concerns had been resolved, and they assured me that they were happy, and my garage bedroom had fixed it.

The three of us got a dog. I drove them to and from multiple surgeries and cared for them in recovery. I spent a vicious year going to therapy 1-2 times a week. I got sober. I learnt to manage my ASD diagnosis and pulled myself up outta a pretty deep hole. I put on a solo Fringe show.

One year after moving into Garage Bedroom, the pando hit. Almost nine months of hard lockdown together in a house with the three of us. But we got through it. I spent most of 2020 doing all the cooking because I was off work, and Charlie was still working from home, so we fell into a routine of me cooking when the worked, and they cooked (reluctantly) one night a week. I tried to be the best partner I could and check in as much as I could, even though the answer to "how are you" for most of 2020, for everyone, was "sad and scared and just doing my damn best." They said they were happy. They told me they loved me. They told me they loved living with me.

In late Jan of 2020, several months out of hard lockdown and less than a month after the three of us adopted a cat, Charlie once again drops the bomb that they want to move out. Less than a week later they had applied for and accepted the lease on a new house. I had no idea this was coming. They never told me they were unhappy or wanted things to change. Which was a fairly ingrained pattern in our relationship by then, but I guess I deluded myself into thinking that if there was a really big issue, they would come to me. That I didn't need to go fishing for problems if I was given no indication that they existed.

They moved out, which I helped them do, once again putting their needs ahead of mine. As long as they were happy and doing what was right for them, I couldn't be upset, right?

Couldn't be upset that they'd completely upended my life, left me and my roomie with the dog and cat, and the choice to either move ourselves or live with a stranger. They wanted things to just continue... with the two of us spending one or so nights a week together but with them now in a different house. Like things hadn't changed. Like I wasn't hurting and the trust wasn't broken. Like I wasn't still reeling over the fact they could have decided to do this without even flagging it to be before enacting the move out. I tried to let things continue. Said for the moment I had to reframe us as friends but wanted to keep seeing them.

That lasted about a month before I allowed myself to realise it was over, to reflect on all the ways I felt wounded, all the ways in which I couldn't feel close to them through the huge gulf of their lack of consideration or ability to open up to me. The final nail in the coffin was a long message from me, laying out my hurt, laying out my fears that living alone would allow them to indulge their tendancy toward isolation, all the ways in which their staying silent about their needs had hurt the relationship in many ways, not just the sudden move-out. Their reply was that they understood and respected my need for space and a proper break up, but that part of them was confused about how I had seemed happy with our relationship before we moved in together, and they didn't understand why we couldn't just go back to the way things were.

To be clear if you've read this far, they were confused about why things just couldn't go back to the way they were, three years ago, before we got engaged, before we adopted pets together, before we shared our lives and friends, meals and domestic life through a long a traumatic year.

And I realised then with a horrible, gut wrenching grief that for them truly nothing had changed. They had committed no more to the relationship in those intervening years. They had revealed no more of themself to me, they hadn't let me in or dedicated themself to the relationship in the way that I had. That all of my growth and learning to let people in had been one sided, and they truly just thought we could drop everything and return to the way our relationship looked back then, when I was a much less open and vulnerable person, when I was deeply fucking depressed and addicted to drugs.They had patted me on the back as I went through a grueling amount of transformative therapy, and they hadn't changed from their stoic, self protective, guarded ways at all. And they wanted to push me even further away.

I'm upset with myself for not seeing it, for not realising I was pouring love, service and commitment into something that they were still holding at arms length. That just because you show someone the hard parts of yourself, if they're not doing it in return it's not really love, is it? I was just a helpful person to have around and they wanted to continue by keeping the easy, companionable parts of us, without them having to do any of the hard work, or ever truly COMMIT to the MORTIFYING fucking ordeal of being KNOWN. They never even understood or acknowledged the importance of that! I thought I was giving them time and space to come to those things on their own, but really I was just giving them permission to never be truly open with me. And that persisted right up until the bitter, shocking end.

There's no happy ending here currently, except for allowing myself to reflect and to reframe our relationship. To better understand. And to let myself feel angry, and upset, for being in a onesided relationship for so long. Perhaps after I'm done being angry, there will be some relief that I'm not longer pouring myself into someone that wasn't able, for whatever reasons, to give much of themselves back. 18/04/2021

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Recs: Tooth Rotting Fluff

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 Dial Tone by firenxe Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  34699 Tags: Texting, text fic, Drarry, non-magic au, AU Summary:  Harry Potter decides to text the number on his arm. Draco Malfoy finds himself woken up by messages. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Say the words / then stay around by teatrolley Rated:  Not Rated Words:  5703 Tags: Established Relationship, Fluff, Not That Much Angst Really, a lot of love, and two very confused people, Auror Harry Potter, Office Romance, Ministry Work Summary:  They’ve been together for a while when Harry decides that he wants to try the Auror Office again. What he doesn’t consider is the effects the work might have on the two of them. But, then again, maybe those effects don’t have to be all bad? Or: A few months of the start of the relationship between the fumbling, blind-leading-the-blind and in-love Harry and Draco. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 With A Bite and A Hiss (and Some Curry On Top) by ZandraGorin Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  4779 Tags: Alternate Universe - Post-War, Parseltongue, Pets, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Injured Pets/ Animals, Kissing, Fluff, Parselmouth Harry Potter, HP Fluff Fest 2020 Summary:  Draco keeps bringing animals home and keeps cooking curry for Harry. Harry is of the opinion that it has got to stop. Well, not the cooking curry part. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 the 1 by Darlinxx Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  5913 Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Alternate Universe - Neighbors, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Fluff and Humor, Awkward Romance, Domestic Fluff, Pansy attempts at matchmaking, is this meet cute? idk, Harry sucks at flirting, Draco doesn’t know how to deal with his feelings, Harry is the perfect gentleman, Draco acts like a bitch but is actually a softie, Draco wears earrings on this one, and Harry takes it in stride, if that weirds you out then you can fuck off, haha just kidding I’m not mean Summary:  "You're not terrible. I mean, maybe not everyone's type, exactly, but…you're just a little –" "Insane?" Draco supplies. Harry looks at him. "Intense," he says. "That's not always a bad thing." ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Love You More by hedwig4evr Rated:  Explicit Words:  37185 Tags: Love, and marriage, Sickeningly In Love, Engagement, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Sex Toys, bubble baths, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Frotting, Hand Jobs, Shower Sex, Bottoming from the Top, Switching, Top Harry Potter, Bottom Draco Malfoy, Top Draco Malfoy, Bottom Harry Potter, 25 Days of Draco and Harry 2018, sex in the bath, Lots of love and sex, Early Bird prompt, lots of fluff, Tooth-achingly fluffy Summary:  After years together, Harry decides to propose to Draco. Once it's revealed to their families and friends, though, they start to question whether this is what they really want. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Aggressive use of Florists by Mountainwolf Rated:  General Words:  53521 Tags: Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Harry Potter Raises Teddy Lupin, Auror Harry Potter, Ministry of Magic Employee Draco Malfoy, Floriography, Snark, Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Florist Harry, Pureblood Culture (Harry Potter), Ministry of Magic Employee Hermione Granger, Pining, Post-Hogwarts, Canon Divergence - Post-Hogwarts, Dick Jokes, Hermione Granger & Draco Malfoy Friendship, Oblivious Harry, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Eventual Smut, Eventual Romance, lots of magical flowers, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Draco Malfoy, POV Harry Potter, Godfather Draco Malfoy, Heartbroken Harry Potter, Soft Harry, Caring Draco Malfoy, Drama, Family Drama, A little bit of angst, Reformed Draco Malfoy Summary:  Harry is being lovesick in Neville’s flowershop after having been dumped, and Draco is very aggressively winning over ministry members by sending them fuck-you flowers. Harry is absolutely no help but learns a lot about floriography, stupid purebloods, and Draco. OR; Harry struggles raising Teddy alone, longing for a partner and a family. His future dreams for domestic bliss have been crushed by his ex, who left him for a better looking, more ambitious, less 'damaged' model. A lot of people try to support Harry, but he is, as ever, hiding how truly bad things are going. Then, Hermione -and a few others, set Draco on him and things start developing in a direction neither really expected. Everyone sees how good Draco and Harry could be together, and with some political maneuvering from unexpected sources-and a lot of flower deliveries, they start to see it too. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Cracking The Code by orpheous87 Rated:  General Words:  12218 Tags: Advent Calendar, Christmas Fluff, Established Relationship, Romantic Fluff, Marriage Proposal, Auror Harry Potter, Ministry of Magic Employee Draco Malfoy Summary:  Harry makes an advent calendar for Draco. What we see are snippets of their mornings throughout December. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 This Summer by Saras_Girl Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  39256 Tags: N/A Summary:  This is a summery romantic comedy featuring my favourite ensemble cast, in which Harry is confused, Draco is Draco, and Hermione attempts to eat all the things. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Something Good (The Second Time Around) by Ravenclaw626 Rated:  Explicit Words:  99382 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, POV Harry Potter, Stay-At-Home Parent Harry Potter, Potioneer Draco Malfoy, Research, Mpreg, Mpreg Harry, Pregnant Harry, Medical Procedures, Childbirth, labor pains, Harry Potter is a Good Parent, Redeemed Draco Malfoy, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Non-Canonical Character Death, Homophobia, Marriage Proposal, Weddings, Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Pregnant Sex, Pregnancy Kink, Unplanned Pregnancy, Single Parents, Single Parent Harry Potter, Single Parent Draco Malfoy, Top Draco Malfoy, Bottom Harry Potter, Anal Sex, Anal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Sex Toys, Rimming, natural birth Summary:  After putting his youngest on the Hogwarts Express, Harry feels a little lost and without direction in life. There’s someone on the platform who notices, though, who also knows how it feels to come back to an empty home. Can this someone help Harry find his way? After years of contentment, acceptance, and ‘good enough’ — he never could have imagined that a whirlwind romance with his former childhood nemesis would become his something good after a lifetime of trials. A story about love, happiness, and second chances. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Realisations by orpheous87 Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  15486 Tags: Post-Second War with Voldemort, Hogwarts Eighth Year, Fluff and Humor, Fluff, Humor, Mild Peril, Happy Ending, H/D Erised 2020, Minor Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, POV Alternating Summary:  When they return to Hogwarts for their final year, the students are surprised to learn that they will take part in 'team-building' activities instead of contributing to the House Cup. Paired up by Professor McGonagall, they need to work together to complete the challenge. Of course, new friendships and relationships are built along the way. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Bloom by tsauergrass Rated:  General Words:  1473 Tags: Alternate Universe - Flower Shop, Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Like you're in for a toothache, Language of Flowers, Harry Potter is an oblivious idiot Summary:  Harry ruffles through the buckets of flowers in the cooler. “What are you looking for?” “Something special. It is a note.” Harry pauses. For days Draco has visited his flower shop, but not once has he ordered anything with a message. Harry Potter has fallen in love. Naturally, the only way to do so is to pine Victorian-fashion, his secret hidden behind blooming flowers. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 These Tender Moments by theartfulldodger Rated:  General Words:  1380 Tags: Christmas Fluff, Fluff, SERIOUSLY ALL THE FLUFF, Warm and Fuzzy Feelings, Kid Fic, Sickly sweet medicine for all your despair, A warm hug, Domestic Fluff, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE Summary:  A Christmas Eve filled with overindulgence, a sleeping toddler, creatively altered expressions and slow dancing in the kitchen. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 That Christmas by Janieohio Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  18729 Tags: Christmas, Fluff, Romance, Family, Humor, 25 Days of Harry and Draco 2020 Early Bird, Kid Fic, POV Alternating, Implied Sexual Content, Pets, Married Life, Toddlers, Pining, Hurt/Comfort, Parenthood, Protective Siblings, Gay Pride, Referenced Death, Adoption, Surrogacy, Christmas Cookies, Precocious Child, Перевод на русский | Translation in Russian, See Notes for Translation Link Summary:  25 years of Christmases in the life of Harry, Draco, and their friends and family. 25 drabbles, one year per chapter, set in my That's Life Together universe. Read on AO3

📜 Blind Hope by cami_soul Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  1051 Tags: Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Established Relationship, Short & Sweet, Fluff and Mush, Did I Mention Fluff Summary:  Harry is working up the courage to ask Draco to move in with him. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Fill a Tent with Love (and Wrap it with a Bow) by riddleme_this Rated:  General Words:  1604 Tags: Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Quidditch, Setting up tent, Draco and Harry are best friends, Love Confessions, Bad Flirting, so much fluff ahh Summary:  Harry is determined to confess his crush on Draco. Enter a Quidditch Match, setting up a tent, some bad flirting, and things might just actually work out. ❤️ Read on AO3

[princess-of-the-worlds]

tldr: As of this October, it has officially been one year since I first watched Torchwood and started reading fics. Although I didn’t start writing my own fics until March 2020, I have written...like a lot of fics in the past seven months. But I wanted to celebrate my favorite fics by other people. So here is Part 1 of probably several eventual fic rec posts. These are what I consider fandom staples.

To The Sticking Place by zephyras13 

The end justifies the means. Failure is not an option. There is always a choice, except when there isn't. These are the phrases Ianto Jones lives by and he refuses to allow anyone, even Captain Jack Harkness, to change that. Jack/Ianto, AU, Torchwood One Agent!Ianto.

(janto & others | complete | mature | 96K)

Nik: I legitimately cannot explain why I love this fic so much other than the fact it is so great! It was one of the first fics I read, and I still adore it. It follows canon so well while making you feel very range of the emotion spectrum. The author’s take on Ianto is so complexly-written but still feels true to the canonical Ianto. Literally one of the first fics I’d rec to anyone new to fandom. A must read.

only fools fall by transjackianto

“Oh my god,” he gasps out when his laughter has died down to softer chuckles, “I am so glad I stuck around to hear that.  Thank you Jack, I needed to laugh today. Now if you’ll excuse me,” he pushes back from the table for the third time but Jack stops him again with a hand over his own. It is a softer touch than before and that unnerves Ianto more than anything.

He looks up, terrified he’s going to see some kind of earnest emotion on Jack’s face.  When he finds Jack looking instead like he swallowed a handful of pins he relaxes. He’s not sure he could handle finding out Jack had some kind of ridiculous unrequited crush on him.

“I know,” Jack groans, dropping Ianto’s hand and letting his head thunk against where his arms are crossed on the table, “I want to punch myself just for saying it, but I mean it Ianto. I need you to be my boyfriend.”

-

Aka, Ianto just wants to make it through his summer as a newly single sixth form graduate and eagerly await the end when his ex comes back from her summer trip and they can reunite.

His ex-friend Jack Harkness throws a wrench into the works.

(janto, lisaianto, & others | complete | mature | 182K)

Nik: Okay, so I’m a tiny bit biased with this one considering that the author is my friend whom I adore and also one of my favorite people in this fandom. And I...also betaed this entire fic. But take it from me! It’s so, so well-written and the shift from enemies to lover is so perfect. There is angst, oh so much angst, but it is worth it. Plus, it’s incredibly hot! And I know the author has eventual plans for a sequel, although no promises when it’s coming. Another must read!

Halfway Back by Sholio (@sholiofic)

Team Torchwood run a sanctuary for magical creatures, and this time they've got a basilisk on their hands.

(gen | complete | teen | 13K)

Nik: Okay, so literally anything by Sholio is perfect. They have an incredible grasp of the team dynamic that still blows my mind, and their fics have topnotch Owen-Ianto interactions. But I chose this fic because the premise felt like almost nothing I’d read in this fandom before. Plus, there is still the requisite amount of Owen angst in this. (Also check out The Cartography of Feeling, which is another personal favorite.)

Conversational Japanese, Plus Frogs by james

Tosh and Ianto have been taken prisoner. They cope.

(janto | complete | teen | 6K)

Nik: One of the older, shorter recs on this list but still a classic. A fascinating in-depth character study of Ianto and Tosh and their friendship in confined quarters that also explores the trauma that follows some of Torchwood’s misadventures. I don’t think I can say much else besides urging you to read it!

Sharkreef (Or, Why Torchwood Was Set in Cardiff and Not the Bermuda Triangle) by queenfanfiction

There is the story of a team who tried to save Earth from aliens. This is not that story.

(janto & many, many others | complete | teen | 2K)

Nik: Look, I know that some will actually despise that I included this rec, but this fic is ICONIC. It’s cracky, yes. Cracky crack. Very crack. But it’s also legitimately one of the strangest/whackiest/what-the-fuck fics I’ve ever read. It always startles a genuine laugh out of me. It has all of our favorite tropes...coupled with some lobsters. (Sidenote: This reminds me of John Mulaney/SNL’s Diner Lobster sketch, which I also encourage you to watch.)

Insignificant Other by parachutewoman 

Ianto is tasked with telling Rhys that his newly wedded wife has ditched him to go to London with Jack on a “very important mission”. Refusing to have his day ruined, Rhys drags Ianto along to the Six Nations final and the two ‘other halves’ try to make sense of their place in the world and their partners’ lives.

(janto & gwenrhys | complete | mature | 6K)

Nik: Ianto-Rhys friendship content is something that is severely lacking in this fandom, which is a damn shame. You can see from COE that Rhys seems to genuinely care about Jack and Ianto, which I presume is from post-Exit Wounds bonding with his wife’s coworkers. And I know that the audiobook Ghost Train has a lot of good Ianto-Rhys bonding, although I just haven’t had the time to listen to it yet. Either way, this fic, and the other fics by this author, are very well-written and beautiful. This one, set circa S2, has just the right amount of angst mixed in as well as you watched Ianto go from reluctantly accompanying Rhys to actually enjoying himself. I definitely enjoyed this fic.

Beast Inside by Flamingbluepanda (@flamingbluepanda)

"Argue with anything else, but don’t argue with your own nature.” - Phillip Pullman

Inside us all, there is an animal that expresses our soul. How would the world change were those animals outside?

(janto & others | complete | mature | 26K)

Nik: Admittedly, this one is also a bit biased because the author is my friend and I am their loyal occasional beta, but I started reading it before I met the author. Although daemons do come from His Dark Materials, they have become a sort of AU on their own, and thus, you do not need to have read HDM to read this excellent fic. I definitely have not. There is angst, there is fluff, there is canon compliance. And there is Dai. Dai, Rhys’s corgi daemon, is probably not the one you would expect to steal the show, but he stole my heart. (I mean, Navi and Emma, Jack’s bear daemon and Ianto’s terrier daemon, adorable respectively...but Dai!) Expect to fall in love with Dai by ths end of this fic!

To Let by Amand_r

Ianto Jones is a good housemate.

(janto & lisaianto | complete | not rated | 12K)

Nik: Now this fic is a little bit different from the rest because it is not only second person POV but is also outside POV, which makes it slightly odd to read at first. But I can assure you, it is most definitely worth it. Ianto’s unnamed housemate makes for an interesting perspective into Ianto’s personal and domestic life as well as exploring his relationship with Jack. His housemate, of course, doesn’t remain one-sided, with loss and love and life of his own, but you can tell that his bond with Ianto is genuine. This fic provides a nice break from the explicit canon while still exploring familiar events.

Your Job Knows What It Is by ShastaFirecracker

Torchwood Three, 2045. Bram Hudson's just been recruited by Jack Harkness, it's xir first day of work, and orientation is being handled by some old man named Jones.

(janto | complete | gen | 9K)

Nik: Okay, I lied. This fic is outsider POV as well, but Bram is so well-written and complex even from the short while we have with xem. As an alternate to the previous fic, this one provides great, interesting exploration into a future, slightly different Torchwood while also serving as a COE fix-it fic. Older Ianto is just as badass as when he was younger, and the insights into his relationship with Jack are sweet and will leave you craving more.

Worrisome Heart by thepsychicclam

It's 1922. Ianto accidentally stumbles upon a speakeasy owned by Captain Jack Harkness. When Ianto becomes a bartender, he quickly learns how dangerous everything around him truly is, and more importantly, how dangerous Jack is. But the longer he knows Jack, the more he doesn't care.

(janto | complete | explicit | 42K)

Nik: This fic, this series in fact, is one of the only complete Historical AUs I have found in this fandom. Set in 1922 New York, it features all our beloved characters as completely human and sans Torchwood and aliens, which - of course - means that they can feel a bit OOC at first. Still, as you read on through this fic and its three sequels, you will realize just how well adopted the events and characterization from canon are. If you going in thinking of this as original work rather than fic, it might help you adjust to the differences. Quite well-written!

Intersecting Geodesics by NancyBrown

Stuck in a time with a Jack who hasn't met him yet, all Ianto wants is a way home.

(janto & jackjohn | complete | mature | 37K)

Nik: There are numerous “Ianto gets sent into the future by the Rift or an artifact and meets past!Jack” fics existing in this fandom, but this is one of my favorites. For one, it’s written by the incomparable author who has many, many excellent fics that I like. (Their smut is seriously topnotch, especially for some of your kinkier tastes if said tastes exist.) The distanced younger Jack provides just the right amount of angst, and his eventual fall for Ianto is built-up just enough to work believably. The resolution is satisfying enough, and the author has a few other fics in this series to keep you going! 

For Captain and Cardiff by blackhemlock

"At midnight, a nationwide security alert was sent out... Torchwood London, demands all agencies' cooperation in issuing an arrest warrant for Ianto Merric Jones, 24, of Cardiff."

Torchwood Three's Archivist has gone rogue. But, he does have a very good reason, and he looks stunning in his new suit.

(janto & tenjack | complete | gen | 42K)

Nik: Admittedly, I will often be picky in my fics featuring the Tenth Doctor because of how he mistreated Jack, but this fic features a true-to-canon portrayal of Ianto and the Doctor that I adore. It does well in building up your expectations of Ianto and the Doctor’s encountering and then subverting it. There is also good room for Jack-Ianto angst, which only adds to my enjoyment of the fic. I don’t necessarily know how to explain it, but this fic also feels sleek and modern despite its timey-wimey elements.

What Dreams May Come by AVAAntares (@avaantares)

It's bad enough that a plague of alien parasites have fallen through the rift and are preying on Cardiff's citizens. It's worse that someone from Jack's past has come from the future to confront him on Earth. But when Jack himself is taken by the rift, Ianto and Gwen are forced to rely on the most unlikely of allies to keep Torchwood running without him.

Stranded in another century on a distant planet, Jack has only one hope of returning to Earth. But time travel with the Doctor has never been an exact science, and when he returns to Cardiff, things are not at all as he expects to find them...

(janto | complete | teen | 88K)

Nik: Honestly, I think one of my favorite parts of this fic may be the inclusion of an OC, Jamiya Thane, AKA Jack’s mother. I’m just a sucker for fandom’s takes on Jack’s canonical family and past as Javic Thane from Boeshane, and this plays into it well. It’s endearing to watch Jack’s found family, especially Ianto, interact with his mother. Also included is a rather brilliant time-travel mystery that will tug at your heartstrings on many levels. Excellent soft Jack-Ianto content in chapters and a creepy use of a one-off Doctor Who creature.

Ghost Story by Mad_Maudlin

I called out. "Would you like to hear a ghost story?"

For a moment Jack didn't move, and I knew he'd recognized my voice. After a moment he said, flatly, "I don't believe in ghosts."

"It's a complicated story," I admitted, and pulled the watch from my pocket by the chain. "And it starts with 'Long ago and far away.'"

(janto | complete | teen | 70K)

Nik: This fic! I passed this fic many times on my search for new fics to read, and the summary always threw me a bit, but when I decided to take a chance on it, I realized what I’d been missing out on. There’s so many fics in this fandom, and on this list, that take familiar tropes but twist them into something new, just like this fic. Without giving too much away, I can say that this fic features Time Lords, pocket watches, shifting POVs, and a COE fix-it, all packed with a brow-raising plot twist. It’s enough to make me forgive the first person POV, which I can usually not stand but actually works quite well for this fic! A fic worth reading at least once, if not many times. It feels so utterly unique!

Time Tracks by Cyborgtamaki (@cyborgtamaki) and thirteeninafez (@thirteeninafez)

It took him a second to realise what had happened; what had felt like hours while travelling through the rift shrunk itself in his head to a mere instant of searing gold. That’s when the flicker of the fire in front of him finally registered through his confused daze. In his haste to get away from the flames around him, he slipped and fell, scrambling back until he was a safe distance away from the smoke and the heat. It was only then that he took notice of the voices behind him. He turned towards the noise of a deep, northern voice spluttering and saying, confused and almost angry: “Who the hell are you?” The man rolled over onto his knees and stood up, looking around like he’d never seen a street before. “Jones.” He sounded uncertain but then spoke again with more confidence. “Ianto Jones.”

(janto & ninerose | complete | teen | 174K)

Nik: There’s many “Ianto travels with the Ninth Doctor and Rose” fics in this fandom, but this one is the longest, most recent, and one of the most excellent that I’ve read. The authors have written in-depth chapters of the Doctor Who Season 1 episodes we already know and adore as well as adding their own unique “episodes,” all of which are deeply enjoyable. There is excellent character interactions, specifically a wonderful Rose-Ianto friendship, and so much soft Jack-Ianto. The authors have, personally, promised several more installments coming by the end of the year or later, and they are sure to be worth the wait!

Club Wales by pocky_slash

In the wake of Jack's disappearance, Gwen finds comfort in a new friendship with Ianto. Gossip, bonding, and other hijinks of understanding ensue.

(gwenrhys & janto | complete | teen | 19K)

Nik: This author is single-handedly a Gwen-Ianto dynamic icon. Their grasp on Gwen and Ianto’s respective characterization is brilliant, and their friendship in this fic, and any fic the author writes, is well-fleshed out and believable enough for the moments we only really see on-screen briefly in the show. This fic, and overall series, serves as a compelling insight into how the team originally views Jack and how Gwen and Ianto grow closer. Gwen truly was one of Ianto’s big sister figures, which is excellently reflected in this fic. A must read!

Just this once by Beleriandings (@ultraviolet-eucatastrophe)

(Everybody lives.)

(Or: when a certain Doctor arrives to save Owen Harper from a stricken nuclear power station, it begins a chain of events that will lead Torchwood Three down a very different path. From time locks and telepathy to tea and coffee, high-speed chases to unresolved sibling issues, their new lives (and new and old loves) may be different, but their bonds of friendship and family grow stronger every day. But when every child on earth starts speaking with one voice, the team are torn apart again as they’re forced to fight for their lives, and to confront monsters they’d thought they’d left behind in the past. But with all of them working together – along with some allies they’ve made along the way – Torchwood Three will stop at nothing to save their friends and set the world to rights. The consequences will ripple out across the universe and into the distant future. But they have to start somewhere, and the present is as good a place as any.)

(janto & others | complete | teen | 239K)

Nik: Many fics are post-Exit Wounds and COE fix-its, at the same time, but dare I say that this one is the best? (Or one of the best at least.) The Tenth Doctor receives his own iconic “Everybody lives” moment, but that is only where this fic BEGINS. This beautiful monster, which I mean in the very best sense considering its length, traverses Exit Wounds, COE, and slightly Miracle Day and gives everyone a happy ending. In addition, the author, another friend of mine, I’ll be honest, manages to redeem and humanize Gray in a way I didn’t think possible, but I actually found myself liking him. This is definitely a must, must read, especially if you’re new to the fandom or just finished having your heart thrown out.

The Stars Might Stick You Where You Stand by methylethyl 

Following the fall of Torchwood One, Jack Harkness went to ask Torchwood Three for a job. He didn’t expect to fall a little bit in love with its director, the practical and ever-calm Ianto Jones. He also probably didn’t expect that Ianto Jones would end up holding the answers to his most precious secret.

(janto | complete | explicit | 20K)

Nik: I’ll be honestly - I’m a sucker for role reversal AUs in any fandom, and this is one fic I see rarely mentioned or recced, which I think is a damn shame. It is definitely in my top five fics; I adore it so much. Jack is cast in the role of Ianto, gunning for a job at Torchwood Three after the fall of Canary Wharf. His “Lisa” is his desperate, life-long search for his brother Gray who was taken by Torchwood when they were both children. Ianto is, obviously, the immortal director of Torchwood Three, but what makes him even more compelling is the lack of direct reference to his AU past. We don’t know who this Ianto Jones was before he, like Jack, arrived in Cardiff in the 1800s, newly-immortal and ensnared into working for Torchwood. Instead, this fic, and series, focuses on a stretch of episodes from Season 1 intermingled with elements from Season 2, as well as subverting the expected team relationships. Jack and Ianto are believably different but still realistic in their characterization, and look, I adore this AU, which I’ve already said. A personal favorite and must read!

Cling to the Ways of My Name by engagemythrusters ( @iianto-jones)

If Ianto Jones thought his legacy would die out with him in Thames House, he was dead wrong.

(janto & gwenrhys | complete | teen | 37K)

Nik: Hopefully, you’ve already read this fic by now. If not, may I dare ask what you’ve been doing with your life? This is one of my favorite fics of all-time in this fandom, as well as my favorite kidfic ever. It’s so well-written and just so damn unique. I cannot capture in words what makes it so special, although I will try. Ioan Jones is the sweetest janto baby ever, and I love him with all my heart. Jack’s adventures raising Ioan are just so endearing, and later installments, which feature Ianto, serve to satisfy the domestic Jack-Ianto as parents craving you might not even have known you had. There’s just so many little details about this fic I love, including but not limited to - Jack’s found family in the Joneses, Ioan-Anwen friendship, and Ioan loving blue. A definite must read fic to give you the serotonin you need.

Waking Gods by toldthestars 

Why are Ianto's dreams coming true? What's in the box with the symbol on it? Oh, and while we're at it, what's the meaning of the life?

(janto | complete | not rated | 7K)

Nik: This fic is another one with a completely unique premise in this fandom. In fact, there is only one other fic I’ve read that even gives me similar “vibes” for this fic. Here, Ianto suddenly finds himself gaining powerful, unexplainable abilities, essentially becoming a god, and oh my, this is excellent. Ianto is just trying to do good in the world, and the team’s growing fear and distrust of him and his power really sucker-punches you straight in the heart. It’s all so beautifully-written, with powerful imagery that left me awe-struck. The janto angst is oh-so-excellent. Reading this fic for the first time is an experience that I don’t believe can be replicated. 

fool me once, fool me twice by princessoftheworlds (aka me)

When, after the events at the House of the Dead, the Rift spits Ianto out on an alien planet a thousand years later, so begins a goose chase that will take him across the universe and across time until he finds Jack again.

(janto & others | complete | explicit | 52K)

Nik: What kind of fic writer would I be if I created a list of fic recs for Torchwood and did not include one of my own? I consider this fic my masterpiece. The House of the Dead!Ianto get sucked through the Rift and spat out across time and space, turned into another fixed point, as he begins his search for Jack. I don’t know if I can say much else without it sounding like bragging, but it features - in no particular order - a happy ending for one, Ianto getting some badass adventures of his own, a sorta redemption arc for John Hart, numerous references to Big Finish, and too many spinoffs with more to come! Give it a shot, why don’t you?

[barnesandco]

Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy (6/14)

Story Masterlist

The plum seller at the farmer’s market saves Bucky from being captured for the attack at Vienna that he didn’t commit, but is she really all that she appears to be, or are ulterior motives involved?

This is an entry for @star-spangled-bingo​ 2020. Word count: 2022. Square filled: “Fake Dating”

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: A brief mention of Hydra and the mission in Odessa when Bucky shot Nat. Mention of guns. General melancholy, I guess. 

A/N: It’s another quite chapter, but contrary to the last one... I... actually like this one, so I hope you will, too.

Bucky sighs when the northern mouth of the Istanbul canal appears on the horizon like a herald of safety, indicated by the twinkling lights in the distant dark. He’s not naive enough to think this is the end, because he knows their journey is far from over, but this, the closest they have been to the edge of Europe, is a breath of relief. Next to him, he sees the shoulders of his partner in crime drop a little, the stress alleviating just a hint.

She had been watching him hesitantly since Odessa, where his eyes had gone colder and fogged over with a memory he does not like to remember. A flash of red hair, a through-and-through bullet wound, the Ukrainian winter deep in his bones.

That retrospective chill didn’t thaw until they got on the ferry. The seat on the upper deck had provided the full luxury of the mid-morning sun. It is getting late, now, and the night has settled in. He pretends not to notice how she shifts a little closer to him on the bench seat, and suppresses a shudder -- from something besides cold -- when her shoulder touches his. 

He doesn’t remember the last time he let anyone besides Steve get this close to him. Of his own volition, that is. The years of Hydra manhandling don’t count, and are a far cry from the soft feel of her cardigan and the scent of baklava still lingering on her hands.

The words have been scarce and forced between them, layered with fake smiles and uncomfortable touches ever since a fellow passenger mistook them for a couple earlier in the day, and it was easier to play along, as they had in the train, than to offer a less feasible alternative. That’s why, when someone passes by, his gloved left hand finds its way to her bare one.

She smiles at him, then, and doesn’t let go when the danger has been crossed, until the speaker system is announcing their arrival at shore and there is the customary bustle of passengers eager to leave their ride after a long journey.

This, at least, is familiar. The old Bucky, he -- I, Bucky thinks -- worked at the docks for the seven month before he was drafted. The sight of people, crowds, eager to land and leave and fan out like marbles in the Brooklyn boys’ version of snooker, rings like a bell in the jumbled chaos of his brain, clears it with a sonic echo.

And then, his fugitive, his fake lover, is squeezing his hand with a smile on her face but her eyebrows drawn together just enough for him to notice.

“I’m fine,” he murmurs lowly, so only she hears it, and the ferry is brought in. They join the line and Bucky is glad to have something solid beneath him, even if it is only the wooden pier. Above them, Istanbul glitters like a hidden treasure, and Bucky recalls fool’s gold hair under layers of dirt and sometimes blood, how he used to joke; God’s given you such lovely locks, you should take better care of ‘em, Stevie, with a ruffle of his hair. It was as soft between his fingers as her hands are, as she dodges the people swiftly, and he allows himself to be pulled along.

He counts their steps as they find themselves in the city, with cobblestones under their feet, on their way to the nearest hotel with a vacant room because planning ahead is risky and a sure way to get caught, especially if you do it online. 

There’s another thing she had had to compromise on with him. Plans don’t work if you’re in hiding, because you’re predictable if you know where you’re going and why. If you don’t know where you’re going, how the hell will the authorities? That’s why he threw out that map the first chance he had, apologizing gruffly when she returned from the ladies’ room in the train station in Kiev. 

He has no illusions that he is in control, but this, he can hold onto, even if it is a feeble attempt at calling some shots. They may be heading south, but they’ll do it his way, and it’s worked so far.

While her eyes are fixed on the road ahead, Bucky looks into side streets, smaller, narrow lanes, on instinct, not sure for what, but it pays when he sees a vacancy sign flickering in the dark. So he pulls them both to a stop, and then towards the door under the fluorescent flickering. 

The inn is warm and homey, not the kind of run-down institution one would expect. It’s a family business; he clocks the similar features of the young man cleaning up the table in the lobby and the older woman in a headscard behind the counter. Heading towards the latter, he takes off his hat and brightens his smile. This, too, is instinctive, intuitive, the charm taking over everything else, even as his heart is thrumming with the desperation to not get recognized. 

Turkish rises to his tongue fluidly. “Salam,” he says, putting his hand over his chest in the customary way. “We’d like a room for a night, please,” he says when he notes that they don’t have any other choice, going by the fact that there is only one remaining room key on the wall behind the lady.

“Walaikumassalam,” she responds, the surprise only registering as far as her eyes. “Here you go,” she says, handing over a form to fill. Bucky slides it over to his “girlfriend” while he pulls out the money and a tip. The woman takes both and hands him the last key with a smile. “Thank you. We hope you enjoy your stay. Breakfast is from seven to ten.”

They nod, and voice their thanks, and head upstairs as the vacancy sign is turned off. The already muted sound of the few patrons in the lobby dulls as they climb the stairs, and the relief he started feeling near the harbor is more palpable now. He can rest, here. It’s a safe place, if only for a few hours, if only for as long as they are here.

That feeling is overtaken by embarrassment and mortification when he opens the door to see just one double bed in the room. The room is, like the rest of the inn, homely, but there is just one bed. A bathroom, a small closet, a little desk with a mirror above it, and the one bed. 

“I’ll take the floor,” he tells her, and she laughs out a tired laugh, smile lines crinkling now as she reviews the situation before dumping her bag on the floor near the door.

She shakes her head. “After 14 hours in that ferry?” She asks incredulously, and then sits down at the foot of the bed, taking her shoes off, and curling her toes in the rug beneath her in a mesmerizing motion. “I’m not that cruel, and neither of us are children. We can handle sleeping in the same bed.”

“Fine.”

Bucky offers her to use the bathroom first, and sits down by the closet with the only gun he has. The Glock is taken apart in automated motions, and cleaned with a quiet efficiency, in the manner that has been executed a hundred times, but with the difference of the sound of someone in the shower, the soft rush of water and a gentler hum only he can detect. For the second time since knowing her, he thinks that if it weren’t for the way they’re both on their toes and on the run, this could be oddly domestic. 

It’s the kind of scene -- minus the gun and the hairs still standing on the back of his neck -- that his past self used to dream of. Enough money to take his girl somewhere away from Brooklyn’s smoke and gray, and enough time and a heart pure from the soot that has now accumulated from killing to spend on her. 

The remembered desire is so achingly nostalgic that he doesn’t realize she’s left the bathroom until her hair is dripping on the floor in front of him, and he realizes his gun has been clean and resting reassembled in his hands for several minutes now.

“Your turn,” she says, taking the towel off from around her neck. She smells of soap. After putting away the precious weapon, he heads inside and takes that shower. He turns the water so hot his skin is pink and scrubbed raw by the time he leaves, and goes out to find a razor from his backpack.

The bathroom door is open while he shaves, and he does it now instead of the morning because he likes the stubble, but it’s getting a little out of hand. She appears in the doorway behind him and leans against the frame, watching. His hands tremble lightly.

“You were worried she would recognize you,” she says, as the shaving cream gets lathered on. “It’s the hair, you know. If you get recognized, it’ll be because of those gorgeous locks,” and Bucky raises an eyebrow in the mirror. The loose grin suggests she’s joking, until she continues. “The videos from the fight in D.C. are everywhere, Barnes. Surely you know that.”

Bucky looks her reflection straight in the eye as he picks up the razor. “I’m not cutting it.” She waits until he’s done shaving and has rinsed off his face and dried it, too.

“I’m not saying you have to. Tie it back, maybe,” she suggests with a shrug.

“How?” he questions, and then walks past her into the room, repacking the shaving supplies.

She follows, stands behind him near the bed until he’s done and turning around. “You want me to show you?”

Bucky is the one to shrug, now. “Sure.”

Pulling the long sleeve of her shirt back, she takes a hair tie off her wrist and begins to comb her still-damp hair back. “You just pull it back -- it’s easier if you have a brush -- and then coil it together... and there,” she demonstrates, wrapping the hair tie around the bun she has formed with practised expertise, and Bucky watches her nimble fingers move agilely.

She removes the hair tie and hands it to him, and he tries it, but the small bun he gathers at the nape of his neck falls apart before he can put the hair tie on. “I can’t,” he mutters, frustrated. 

“Do you want me to do it?” She asks, no judgement, her tone gentle and so open he can’t help but take her up on it.

“Okay,” he responds, swallowing down the tension that is now crackling like electricity. Sitting down at the desk, he watches in the mirror as she moves slowly, drying up the last drops of water in his hair with a towel. She combs her hands gently and sparks fizz down his spine, and he has to force his eyes open and his heart steady. 

Her touch is soft and honey-sweet, as she gathers his hair near the nape of his neck, and then twists it around until it is what he assumes to be a tiny, spherical mass. The tie coils once, twice, and thrice, and she steps back when she’s finished, to let Bucky see.

It’s a revelation, in some way. Not quite as thrilling as the touch of her hands on the back of his neck or her nails scraping against his scalp, but warmth pools somewhere deep inside his chest, and he looks at the face in the mirror with a new perspective. The man looking back has a divot in his chin he hasn’t noticed and doesn’t remember, and his jaw stands out against the shadows of the room. Bright blue eyes stand out more, unshielded by a curtain of brown-black hair, and he’s aware of her gaze watching him but he can’t bring himself to address it.

Is this what finding yourself feels like, he wonders, but says: “Thank you.”

[kristallioness]

The guardian lemur

Summary: When Momo starts acting strange around Katara, she turns to Aang for advice.

Word count: 2,544

Author's note: I don't remember whether it was a blog post I saw here, or an online news article I stumbled across.. But, I think it's adorable when sometimes cats can sense if their owners are pregnant, so they become protective of them and start acting motherly towards them (like their natural instincts are kicking in). This cute concept inspired the following story. By the way, my mom has told me stories about how her grandmother (my great-grandmother) used to have a cat who'd catch mice and bring them back into the house and then release them, which infuriated her to no end. So, I guess this tidbit with Momo is inspired by that kitty, who didn't exactly understand how to be a cat. *lol* Anyways, I hope you like it since 'keeping warm' was one of my prompts, which I submitted this year (and it got chosen, yay!). Oh, and a happy beginning to all of you for Kataang Week 2020! *throws glitter and confetti*

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The kitchen was filled with a mixed aroma of seaweed, herbs and noodles, all boiling in hot water. Katara added a pinch of salt into the broth and stirred the liquid with a big wooden spoon before taking a sip. From the corner of her eye, she could see the winged lemur, who'd quietly been sitting next to her feet for the past ten minutes.

"No, Momo. You can't have any until I'm done cooking."

Momo merely scratched the back of his ear with his hind leg, but otherwise didn't budge. Katara did feel bad for not giving him a taste before lunchtime. She wasn't even sure whether lemurs eat noodles, not to mention ones made out of seaweed..

And there it was again, the gentle rubbing against her shins. Momo began circling her legs in an attempt to persuade her to give him something to nibble on. Poor thing must be starving, she thought. If he was trying to make her feel guilty for not feeding him, it worked.

Katara released a heavy sigh and stepped away from the stove for a second, her small buddy padding right after her on the floor. She opened a cupboard door and grabbed the last moon peach from their dwindling fruit supply.

The constant following around nor the tiny gestures of affection weren't the things that had been driving the waterbender crazy. It was their pet's new habit of bringing live prey into the household. Last week, he'd caught dozens of bugs, five mice, three hamsters, two frogs and one unconscious bird.

Aang had nurtured the bird back to health and released it into the wild. The frogs weren't a problem either, so Katara had simply shooed them out of the house and they'd found a cosy habitat in the pond in front of their home. Luckily the bugs were also typical inhabitants on their little island, and the ones Momo brought inside eventually became dinner for the domesticated frogs.

However, it was the rodents who'd soon found their way into the pantry. Within a day, almost half of their pastry supplies were gone. Katara was furious. She had to ask her husband to buy more food from the market, and her brother to come up with ingenious traps to catch the annoying critters without killing them, like Aang had pleaded, before they could destroy their entire food supply, not to mention the vegetables in the greenhouse.

What really got on her nerves were the times the winged lemur would approach her with that proud smile on his face, something apparently dead caught between his small fangs or in between his paws, and release his catch right in front of her feet. Only for her to watch it scurry away before she could even blink, let alone catch it.

"This is the last one. Here you go," Katara said as she squatted down and extended her hand. She felt confused when the lemur pushed it back.

"Don't you want it? C'mon, it's your favourite treee-eat.."

She threw the peach into the hallway like a ball, in hopes that Momo would leave her alone to go fetch it. He did fly out of the kitchen for long enough to let her return to her cooking, but came back with the fruit fully intact between his fangs.

"Well, go on. Eat up!" Katara urged him with a wave of her hand, but Momo let out a disappointed moan and drooped his ears at that. He dropped the peach in his paws and with the utmost care, he pulled off a small piece and offered it to her instead.

"Thanks, Momo, but I'm not craving for a moon peach right now. You can have it."

The lemur hesitated at first, but under her watchful eye, he finally bit into the juicy fruit, allowing her to finish preparing lunch for herself and her husband in peace.

Speaking of peace, Katara couldn't recall the last time she and Aang had been given a moment of privacy in bed for the past couple of weeks. Often times when waking up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water, Katara would discover that she'd inched further away from her partner, due to a scrawny furball who always managed to squeeze himself in between their tummies, no matter the positions they were in. Or if their intimacy wasn't being disturbed, she'd wake up due to the curled up, personalized heater sleeping on her belly whenever she was lying on her back.

Since when had she become a magnet for winged lemurs? Did she smell of something that attracted them to her? Had Momo grown fond of her and simply wished to spend more time by her side instead of hanging out with Aang all the time? Katara had no idea, but all of this was becoming a bit much.

As she poured the steaming seaweed noodles into two bowls, Momo leaped up and landed on her shoulders. He curled his tail around her neck for support, then held a leftover piece of the moon peach in front of her face.

"Oh, alright.." she chuckled, snagging the small piece from his paw and putting it in her mouth.

"Thanks, Momo!"

She scratched him from below the chin with her finger, earning a series of content purrs from the lemur. Once the bowls were full, she was ready to join her husband in the living room.

Aang was leaning on the windowsill, admiring the view of Republic City straight across the bay, when he heard footsteps coming closer.

"Lunch is served!" Katara announced as she joined him. The airbender grinned at the sight of two steaming bowls filled with delicious food, watching how she placed the tray on the coffee table in front of the couch. The smell that accompanied her was mouth-watering.

"Finally! I could eat a whole barrel of noodles by now."

His wife giggled at that comment.

"Well, I hope we didn't keep you waiting for too long."

He walked over to her, wrapping an arm around her waist and giving her a loving smile.

"Sweetie, I waited for you for a hundred years. I don't think you could ever top that record again."

Katara laughed wholeheartedly this time, letting him give her a quick kiss on the lips afterwards.

Aang tenderly ran a hand over her slight belly bump before beckoning her to have a seat on the couch with him so they could have lunch together. They both grabbed a bowl, along with a pair of chopsticks, and clinked them together like those snobbish citizens in the Upper Ring of Ba Sing Se would do.

"Dig in!"

While the couple indulged themselves, Momo hopped off Katara's shoulders and disappeared to a different room. She noticed the lemur fly off into the corridor, but didn't pay too much attention to it. At this point, she was grateful for any given moment she could get, just to be alone with her beloved.

"What do you think? Is it too spicy?"

Hailing from the Water Tribe, Katara had grown up with a blander range of foods available in the frozen landscape, with the exception of meat that was either cooked or fried, and seasoned prior to the devouring.

Hence she tried to spice up their plain meals, such as these noodles, by experimenting with adding various spices or herbs. Aang shook his head.

"Nah, I think it's really good. You might wanna go easy on the garlic next time. Otherwise, I'm afraid you won't wanna kiss me anymore if my breath stinks."

She laughed when he planted a greasy kiss on her cheek, after which she continued to slurp her own seaweed noodles.

Her attention turned to her feet when she spotted Momo, who'd returned from another one of his adventures. For a second, her heart dropped at the sight of a mouse caught between his teeth. Fortunately, it was just a toy he'd brought along.

"Momo, why are you bringing your stuff here? Do you wanna play?"

The winged lemur jumped up on the couch and supported his front paws on the waterbender's thigh, dropping the toy right into her lap. Katara stared at the fake mouse for a mere second before Momo flew away again.

"Wait! Where are you going? I was gonna play.. with you.."

She sighed, picking the toy up from its string of a tail. Aang could sense her frustration.

"What's wrong?"

Katara put her half-empty bowl on the table and continued to stare at the toy mouse hanging from her fingertips. She twirled the tail around, making the rest of its body spin.

"I don't know. Momo's been acting really strange lately."

"Strange how exactly?"

"He's always following me around and rubbing himself against me. Not to mention he's practically invaded our personal space in bed. I don't need to remind you that he's bringing all kinds of small creatures inside the temple every day.."

Aang's focus shifted from her complaining to the culprit himself. Momo had returned to the living room and he gleefully hopped beside the waterbender, this time dropping his favourite ball in her lap.

"..He brings me food even when I'm not hungry. And now, when I find a place to sit still for a little while longer, he keeps piling some of his toys around me."

Momo tilted his head and stared back at the airbender, almost as if he was trying to communicate with him. Tell him the motives behind his actions and all the mischief he'd caused within the last month. Katara picked up the ball he'd dropped.

"See?.. Aang, are you even listening to me!?"

"Sh-shh!" he hushed her, raising a finger to her lips so she'd quit yammering.

"What?"

He pointed down to her stomach. Both their eyes were fixed on the winged lemur, who lay down in the waterbender's lap and nestled the side of his face against her round belly, one ear covering it like a blanket. Momo looked up at the married couple, then shut his lime green eyes and began purring ever so silently. Aang started laughing, but Katara became even more annoyed.

"What? What's so funny?"

"Oh, Katara.. He can tell when you're in the family way. He's trying to take care of you and the baby in the only way he knows how - by acting as a daddy lemur."

Her face twisted through several expressions of anger, confusion and eventually, realization.

"So, that's what he's been doing this whole time? Tending to me as if I'm an expecting mommy lemur? Which I technically am, except for the lemur part.."

Aang reached his hand out to pet his caring companion. The winged lemur arched his back a bit and nuzzled his face against the fuzzy material of Katara's coat. His purrs become louder with each stroke.

"Momo can sense that there's life growing inside of you, so he's been acting like a proper papa lemur and looking after the unborn child and its mother. That includes bringing you food and stuff to play with to keep you well-fed and entertained."

Katara felt as if he'd opened her eyes to a whole different reality. She never thought that Momo's odd behaviour could be related to the fact that she's pregnant now. The timing fit, and Aang's reasoning explained the weird new habits.

"But, what about the snuggling? Why's he so keen on sleeping on my stomach?"

"He's trying to keep you and the baby warm. Also, since there are a lot of hormonal changes going on with you right now, your body's radiating more warmth in this area," Aang explained by running his hand over her bump, careful not to move the lemur's ear off of it.

"Which means your stomach is the perfect hotspot, literally. You're keeping him warm, too."

"Where did you learn all of that?" Katara wondered, her tone playful and curious at the same time. The cheeks on her husband's face turned crimson and he looked away for a moment, rubbing the back of his bald head awkwardly.

"I might've found some books about pregnancy on the top shelf of the bookcase in your office the last time I was waiting for you to finish work..."

She giggled and rewarded him with a soft peck on the cheek for being so caring and putting in more effort to understand this new "condition" of hers better.

"Thanks, sweetie. I appreciate you looking out for me."

Aang accepted her gratitude with a wide grin, and by snaking an arm around her shoulder to pull her closer. After that, she joined him in stroking the winged lemur, who seemed to be happily napping in her lap.

"Oh, Momo.. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

He looked up at Katara and let out a short disgruntled screech that could've been translated into an 'I told you so'. She laughed at that.

"Oh, okay.. I guess you did tell me. I was just too oblivious to pick up on the signs."

Momo rested his head in her lap again and raised one of his ears above her belly bump.

"Why do you think he does that thing with his ear?" the waterbender wondered out loud, tenderly running her hand over the soft fur on the lemur's head.

"Maybe he's listening to what the little tyke is doing in there. Animals can hear sounds with a much higher frequency. Take my bison whistle, for example. We can't hear anything, but Appa always comes to me when I blow it."

"I doubt that Momo can hear anything else besides my stomach growling. I mean, the baby hasn't even developed a heart yet. Believe me, I've checked.. If anything, he might be able to sense its movements in my womb."

Katara was right. She was barely into the last weeks of her first trimester. As hard as she'd tried, she couldn't detect the baby's heartbeat through her healing abilities yet. And it was too early for it to start kicking her, too.

The only changes she could sense in her body were the slight weight gain, which led to her developing a subtle belly bump. Her breasts had become a bit tender, which meant that making love with Aang at night would be less fun for a while. Not that he wasn't being more gentle with her because of this.. And finally, some unusual cravings, which was probably why she preferred to cook spicier foods recently.

Either way, these slight changes were enough for Momo's paternal instincts to kick in. He rolled over onto his back and let the couple scratch his soft belly instead. The corners of his mouth curled into a content smile as he purred against Katara's tummy.

"Aww! I guess this is kind of endearing. Plus, this way the baby can get acquainted with one of its future furry friends, too. That's right! Yes, you can!" she cooed to the winged lemur, who rubbed himself against her thighs as he twitched with delight at her scratches.

"But no more mice in the house, okay? I'm capable of finding my own food," Katara said with a wave of her finger, to which Momo replied with another chirp. Translation - 'yes, madam'.

[7ella7]

Choosing submission.

My husband and I have been married for over 10 years.  We got together as teenagers and there’s a lot of love there, but it hasn’t been easy.  We semi-recently had a few fresh-start moments.  A cross-country move, some extremely beneficial marriage counseling, and a pandemic to bring us into the same space 24/7, and all three have been awesome. (I’m not saying the pandemic is awesome, just the extra time we get to spend together.)  

I recently got super vulnerable with him and shared that I want to submit to him.  I’ve always kind of known that I’ve been drawn to the idea of being subject to a man.  I like the idea of being told what to do, how he wants things done, when he wants things done, and being expected to meet his expectations or accept the consequences.  It would help me to know and understand what he wants/needs as well as give me some additional structure.  There are so many things I find appealing about this, but I don’t really understand why/where it comes from, but hopefully over time I’ll be able to understand it better myself.

I told him 2 weeks ago.  We’d been talking about our sex life and how to begin to really re-engage in that relationship aspect with one another after some challenges we’ve had.  I was reading some things online and eventually came across a podcast called Over The Knee and the tumblr pages of @amysubmits and @cynicaldom (Thank you both so much for writing).  It was like a lightbulb went off.  I’d read about domestic discipline before, years ago, and we had tried it for a couple months after we had gotten married, but the way I tried to live submission caused problems in our dynamic.  What I didn’t get from the DD sites back then was that it was okay (or necessary even) to still have my own thoughts/opinions/wants and to express them.  I think I was trying to focus only on what my husband needed/wanted, and push down I wanted/needed.  It seemed at the time like me sharing my wants/needs with him would somehow make my submission less real.  Then, when I listened to the OTK podcast and read their tumblr pages a couple weeks ago, I felt like I understood so much better how a real couple could actually do it successfully and showed me that a submissive partner is not the same a passive partner who lets the relationship and the Dominant partner’s wants and needs be the only thing that exists between them.  It’s a full relationship with active involvement and communication on both sides, but with a power exchange component.  They both make a point about how important it is for him to have that information from her.

It had been over 10 years since we had tried domestic discipline before.  The whole dynamic just kind of fizzled out pretty quickly due to the issues with how we tried to go about it.  We hadn’t talked about it since.  I was so nervous to talk about the idea of trying again that I started the convo through text message.  I sent the text, but we were both in the same room, so I went to clean something in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to look him in the eye when he read it.  I built up my courage and went back in, but he was still watching TV.  He’d turned his phone on silent and didn’t get it for another hour and a half (it was low-key torture).  I would alternate between different tasks and watching TV with him, trying to relax about it, but feeling like that paragraph of a text message put so much of me out there that made it difficult to even breathe normally at certain points.  I was scared that he wouldn’t be interested at all and that it’d be shut down, but more than that, I was scared that he’d think I was weird and ultimately shut me down, not because he would be cruel about it, but because it had taken so much to be that vulnerable.  It could have been crushing.  I have a really hard time opening up about things like this, and I’m more than a little shy about things that tie into my sexuality.  Yes, even with my husband.  However, marriage counseling and a recent book I read have helped me to be able to make some important moves toward embracing vulnerability.

When he did get the message, he started by reading the tumblr pages, and we listened to an episode of their podcast.  When we talked about it later that afternoon, he actually said he liked a lot of the basic ideas, but he had a lot of questions for me about why, what motivations I had, what I ultimately wanted from the dynamic, etc.  It was a start.  We’ve had maybe 3-4 conversations about it in the last couple weeks, and yesterday we started discussing an initial agreement.  When I asked him what areas of our life he’d like to have authority in, he said he’d like to eventually have my submission in everything.  (It made my heart happy.)  The main things we discussed which areas of our life I’m ready to submit in fully (home life, sex life), and a couple that I am not ready to hand over yet (work life, food, clothes).  We’re trying to be intentional and start slow so we can kind of grow into this.  We also discussed a few rules and expectations that we’re interested in starting with.  We have plenty of ideas, but are starting slowly with 1-3 rules.  I haven’t seen the agreement yet, he’s in the process of writing it up (which also made me happy because he’s taking ownership of some of the process already).  So I wait.  I feel excited and happy and nervous and fluttery and tingly a lot lately.  We’re just at the beginning and we haven’t even officially entered an agreement, but I wanted to catch these events and feelings before we move further into the journey.

There’s like a million more things I could write, but here’s the bullet list for brevity’s sake- and maybe I’ll be able to revisit and expand on some of this later:

I am feeling nervous about diving in- I feel like I’ve wanted this for so long, but what happens if I’m a horrible submissive or really struggle with my stubbornness when it comes time to show my submission through my actions?

I have a markedly higher sex drive than I’ve had in years- I feel like I have the biggest crush on my husband.

Also, somehow while I’ve routinely hated doing things like dishes for the past... well forever I guess.  But when I think about doing them for him, it turns me on a little bit.  Idk if that’s a thing that lasts, but I would love it if that sticks around, haha.

I wonder about how he really feels about everything.  I know he LOVES the idea of traditional gender roles and he’s been clear about that for a long time, but I’m not sure where he falls on the idea of providing discipline.  Is that something he could end up eventually liking?  Maybe not the actual punishment itself, but the effects of it?  Idk.

I wonder how we’ll do- will we be able to avoid some of the problems we had in the beginning by being open communicators even when it’s hard?  Will he stay consistent with me?  Will we both feel the dynamic and value it enough to keep working on it over time?

I worry about being the spouse that brought it up.  I don’t want him to feel like he has to do this.  There are definitely things in his makeup that make me think he’ll be a natural.  I was drawn to him even in high school because he is a good and traditional man.  We share a lot of the same values.  I know a lot of his views align perfectly with this dynamic, but it’s asking a lot of someone to take on that Dominant role.  I just hope that he will find fulfillment there for himself, because I couldn’t continue to ask him to do it if it’s not something he decides on his own that he wants.

I am super happy that I found Tumblr and so many awesome blogs where people have shared so openly what their dynamic looks like.  It’s a great help to feel like there are others out there.

8 June 2020

[junker-town]

Josh Giddey is the NBA draft pick who almost slipped through the cracks

How Josh Giddey went from being cut by his Australian state team to a potential NBA draft lottery pick.

Josh Giddey knew he was down to his last chance. As he arrived at a multi-day basketball jamboree known as the East Coast Challenge, Giddey was one of 60 youth players competing from the Australian states of Victoria, New South Wales, and South Australia hoping to be selected for the prestigious state team.

State basketball is the pathway to a brighter future in the game in Australia, but it had alluded Giddey to this point. Three times he had tried out for state-level basketball, and three times he had received an email at the end of the event telling him he’d been cut. Only 16 years old and already realizing he was at a crossroads in his career, Giddey was determined not to let it happen again.

He had the benefit of a recent growth spurt this time around that taken him up to 6’8 as a point guard. The added height only accentuated the gifts that always made him stand out: his passing and playmaking, and perhaps more importantly his ability to think one step ahead of the next defensive adjustment. After shining at the camp, the anxious hours waiting to hear if he was selected turned into a quiet confidence.

“I kept promising myself I wouldn’t get cut, I wouldn’t get cut, and the last opportunity I had to make the state team I didn’t get cut,” Giddey told SB Nation. “I finally got that one email I was waiting for.”

Giddey’s life has been in overdrive ever since. After shining at a subsequent national event, he was offered a scholarship by the NBA Global Academy at the Australian Institute of Sport. Giddey moved across the country to Canberra, where he would spend the next 18 months developing his game and his body while competing against peer-aged competition around the world. The accolades he earned at the academy eventually led Giddey to become the first Australian player to be tabbed for the Next Stars program in the country’s domestic professional league, the NBL.

After one season with the Adelaide 36ers, Giddey is now on his way to the 2021 NBA Draft. The same player who couldn’t separate himself from his peers in Victoria only two years ago is now projected as a likely lottery pick.

Giddey is at once on a meteoric rise and still just scratching the surface. He’s one of the youngest players in the draft and has a case as one of the most accomplished given his production in a pro league against seasoned adults. He is still growing into his body and refining his jump shot while already possessing the type of mental processing gifts that can’t be taught. It has been a wild ride to bring him to the precipice of his NBA dreams, but Giddey isn’t the type to get overwhelmed by the moment.

“It’s just good to see the work paying off,” he said.

Photo by Kelly Barnes/Getty Images

Marty Clarke remembers the first time he identified Giddey as a future prospect to watch during his days as a college assistant coach at WCC power Saint Mary’s. A fellow Australian, Clarke was a former teammate of Josh’s dad, Warrick, who enjoyed a long professional career with the NBL’s Melbourne Tigers and had his No. 6 retired by the club. He saw the traits that could eventually make the young guard the type of player Saint Mary’s would one day want to target, but he knew it was going to be a while before they could do so. Giddey was only 12 years old.

“When I first went to St. Mary’s in 2013, I said coach (Randy) Bennett, there’s a kid I want to put on the board but it will be like seven years before we can get him,” Clarke recalls. “He can really pass with his weak hand. He can pass full court, off the dribble, or from penetration. He was kind of doing a lot of that stuff as a 12-14 year old. Now he’s a 6’8 person who can do that.”

Clarke would eventually get his chance to help develop Giddey in a way neither could have anticipated. When the NBA partnered with the Australian Institute of Sport and Basketball Australia’s Centre of Excellence in 2017 to launch the NBA Global Academy, Clarke left Saint Mary’s to take a job as its technical director. Clarke was the perfect candidate as someone who previously had experience as a coach at the Australian Institute of Sport, and now had familiarity with American college basketball.

The same place that had produced almost every Australian player to reach the NBA — Andrew Bogut, Matthew Dellavedova, Dante Exum, Joe Ingles, Luc Longley, Aron Baynes, and Patty Mills among them — was now further investing in its connection to the league. Clarke would oversee all aspects of player development and coaching for the 12 high school-aged players who were offered a scholarship to the academy.

“We have a really good blue print,” Clarke said. “The Australian academy has been here for 40 years. This is what this place has always been doing, producing Olympians and future NBA players.”

The NBA launched academies in India, Senegal, Mexico, China over the last 10 years as a year-round development initiative for elite youth prospects. Australia’s Global Academy takes teenagers from around the world. In its partnership with the AIS, players with the Global Academy live in dorms and attend classes while preparing them for life as a professional athlete. Instead of trying to win as many games as possible and compete for championships like a college team, the main goal of the academy is individual development.

The players at the Global Academy go to school and training six days per week with only Sundays off. In a typical week, players will be put through regular full team practices, as well as smaller group sessions that focus on things like connecting the bigs to the smalls by drilling pick-and-rolls and post entries. There’s shooting and skill training every morning before school, as well as weight lifting three times per week, and mindfulness training. Spliced in with all of that is education on nutrition, physiology, and personal learning like financial literacy and social media courses.

“Our goal here is when they leave here, they have lots of options,” Clarke said. “We make sure they’re eligible for universities. We want to make sure every door is open when they leave.”

The Global Academy also plays games against peer-aged teams, and that’s where Giddey continued to raise his profile. Giddey would lead the academy to the championship at the prestigious Torneo Junior Ciutat de L’Hospitalet tournament in Spain and was named MVP of the event. He followed it up with a strong showing at Basketball Without Borders during All-Star Weekend last year in Chicago.

“His development since he got here has been off the charts,” Clarke said. “Because he missed that state-level development, he skipped up to another level and had a lot to learn. He jumped a stage, really.”

Giddey’s time at the academy had given him multiple avenues to explore on what he should do next. That’s when he faced the next flashpoint decision in his burgeoning young career: Was he better off going to college in America or staying home to play in Australia?

Photo by Kelly Defina/Getty Images

Giddey had a long list of American college basketball programs who wanted him. He had standing scholarship offers from Arizona, Colorado, Rutgers, St. John’s, and more. After one college visit in particular, Giddey felt like he was ready to commit.

“I was 99 percent set on college,” Giddey said. “I took a visit to Colorado sometime in 2020, when I left there after my two-day visit, I was ready to commit there. I was about to commit there but my parents said just wait to we get home and we’ll talk about it.

“So I went home and we started talking to some people and they started talking about the NBL Next Star pathway. I met with Jeremy Loeliger, who is the CEO of the NBL, and they really sold it to me. The way they take care of their kids, the opportunity you’ll get to play against grown men at such a young age, I thought that was better for me personally than going to college to play against other kids.”

On April 16, 2020, at just 17 years old, Giddey signed with the Adelaide 36ers of the NBL. He had become the first Australian to take advantage of the league’s ‘Next Stars’ program, which was originally intended to lure top American prospects who didn’t want to play college basketball. Former McDonald’s All-Americans Terrance Ferguson and Brian Bowen were two of the first signees of the program, but it was a decision by LaMelo Ball and R.J. Hampton to sign in Australia that helped convince Giddey it was the best path for him.

“They surprised everyone with how good they were, especially LaMelo,” said Giddey. “It was good to see because it was something I wanted to do. I wanted to be an NBL player and eventually an NBA player. To see those guys come through gave me the confidence to think I could hopefully do something similar.”

Going from youth tournaments against peer-aged competition to playing against grown men was an enormous adjustment. Giddey struggled with it at first. The ambitious passes that defined his time at the youth level were often becoming turnovers in more meaningful games. He was ice cold as a shooter to start the year, hitting just 2-of-20 shots from three-point range over his first seven games. The biggest issue was playing through contact on both ends of the floor.

“I was struggling with the physicality of the league,” Giddey said of the start to his time in the NBL. “You don’t realize how physical the league is until you actually play against guys that are 35 years old and strong, athletic, and quick. It was just a completely different level to junior basketball. I was playing at a fast pace the whole time. I was rushed, I was nervous.”

He points to his second game as his initial breakthrough, when he finished with 16 points, 11 rebounds, and seven assists against South East Melbourne, and was trusted to take the final shot in regulation. Even though he missed, the 36ers would win in overtime, and Giddey started every game the rest of the season.

Giddey was masterful at times as a facilitator, firing passes to open shooters in the corner with either hand and finding unique angles to get the ball to the big man near the basket. Starting center Daniel Johnson had one of the best seasons of his career at age-33 with Giddey at the controls, and fellow teammate (and former Kentucky big man) Isaac Humphries turned into a dependable scorer, as well. Giddey’s three-point shot also started to come around eventually, hitting 36.7 percent of his shots from deep those first 20 attempts.

“The big thing for me early in the year was I was so down on confidence,” Giddey said. “I was so worried if I missed what people were going to say, what scouts were going to think. There was a point where I spoke to one of my teammates and he told me all of this doesn’t matter. Just shoot every shot like you think you’re going to make it. That was when it switched for me.”

Before season’s end, Giddey had run off three triple-doubles over a four-game stretch and had firmly established himself as a first round NBA draft pick. Given his age and the level of competition, Giddey was remarkably productive: he averaged 10.9 points, 7.4 rebounds, and a league-leading 7.5 assists per game on 51 percent true shooting.

Those numbers stack up reasonably well to what Ball did in the same league a year earlier as 6’8 playmaking guard at 18 years old. Ball scored more, but slightly less efficiently (47.9 true shooting) while their rebound, assist, and steal numbers were similar. It is worth noting that while Ball was often deemed reckless as a lead decision-maker, Giddey’s turnover rate was significantly highly at 23.7 vs. Ball’s 12.4.

Giddey isn’t as flexible and shifty as a ball handler as LaMelo, but the baseline similarities and statistical profiles in the same league, at the same age will be tempting for teams, especially following Ball’s run to Rookie of the Year after being the No. 3 pick in the 2020 NBA Draft.

“To see how (Ball’s) game translated to the NBA, it’s made me feel even better about my decision,” Giddey said.

The appeal of Giddey for NBA teams starts with his intersection of size and passing. Giddey is an impressive facilitator off a live dribble who will fire passes with either hand while on the move. Against a set defense, Giddey is able to make quick decisions with the ball, and loves to zip a two-handed, overhead pass to his big man in the paint. His interior passing is particularly impressive thanks in part to his ability to leverage his length to find creative angles in tight spaces. The big question for his offensive game will be if he can make opposing defenses respect him enough as a scoring threat to fully unlock his playmaking gifts.

There will be serious questions about Giddey’s athleticism and strength, particularly if he has enough standstill burst to beat his man and force the opposing defense into rotation. Even if Giddey can’t put enough pressure on the rim to be a primary creator, he should be custom-made as a ‘connecting’ piece who can be a secondary facilitator and floor spacer as his jump shot comes around. In Clarke’s eyes, it’s Giddey’s overarching feel for the game that will help him overcome the challenges he sees at the next level.

“He’ll often have quiet first quarters or first halves, and then he’ll have monster second halves,” Clarke said. “He can figure things out on the run, and that’s a skill a lot of players don’t have. He can fix things in game.

“It’s not just feel for the game, it’s feel for the opposition and what they’re trying to do to you. A lot of people have feel for the game when the game is mundane and vanilla. He has feel for the game when it’s chaos going on. He can figure things really quickly.”

As the NBA moves into the pre-draft process, Giddey is widely projected to be taken in the lottery. We had Giddey going No. 14 overall to the Golden State Warriors in our mock draft, while ESPN has him going No. 10 overall to the New Orleans Pelicans.

Giddey’s entrance into the league is also an achievement for the academies the NBA invested in around the world. He’ll be the first male athlete to be drafted into the league after being a full-time academy student. Clarke sees Giddey as the type of player the Australian Institute always dreamed about developing.

“He’s kind of the guy we thought of 30 years ago when we started the program,” said Clarke. “Imagine if we had a whole team of 6’8 guys who are multi-dimensional and can pass, dribble, and shoot, defend multiple positions. We’ll stick one big guy in the middle with four guys like that. Josh is kind of exactly that.

“Coaches always ponder what the future is going to be. I think Josh is what we thought about when I first came here 25 years ago.”

If Giddey embodies the dream of what the AIS always hoped to produce, he also came dangerously close to slipping through the cracks. In the course of just over two years, he has gone from a player who couldn’t make it out of his home state to a possible top-10 NBA draft pick. For a player on such a rapid rise, the next question is the most exciting: how much room to Giddey have to grow from here?

[anakinsbugs]

Call the Midwife Trixie (BBC)

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Call the Midwife Trixie (BBC)

When it comes to “Call the Midwife’s” Trixie, there’s something unique in the way the British drama does it. It can make us feel so warm and fuzzy inside with its characters’ familiar maternal presence, but at the same time leave us gutted by the harsh realities of London’s East End in the 1960s. Who wouldn’t want to have a baby delivered by the bubbly blonde nurse Trixie Franklin (Helen George)? She heralds her still-in-pin-curls arrival—to both a birth and a new season—by chirping, “magic-carpet midwifery services at your disposal!” but by the end of the episode, not even Trixie’s happy engagement news to her curate boyfriend Tom Hereward (Jack Ashton) can scrub away the agony we’ve just witnessed over the past hour.

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Trixie from Call The Midwife

Trixie Franklin – Helen George

Trixie – Helen George

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Trixie from Call The Midwife

Helen George (born Helen Thomas; 19 June 1984) is the English actress who plays Trixie Franklin on the BBC TV drama series Call the Midwife. She is a highly successful and much-loved actress. In 2015, she participated in the thirteenth series of BBC One’s Strictly Come Dancing; she was paired with Aljaz Skorjanec and finished in sixth place.

Think that call the midwife is all vintage costumes, chubby-cheeked babies and jolly post-wartime sing-alongs? Think again. Ever since the first episode aired in 2012, the writers have made a point of featuring dark and deeply upsetting storylines – including the thalidomide scandal of the 1960s, female genital mutilation, domestic violence, rape, illegal abortions, contraception and homophobia. Through it all there has been Trixie…

Trixie Franklin – Helen George

On September 10, 2020, Helen George settled back into her “trailer” lifestyle after she shared a glamourous photo from her camper van on the set of call the midwife. However, the actress was forced to shut down any suggestion that her character nurse Trixie Franklin is due to tie the knot in the new series.

Birmingham-born actor Helen George, 35, is best known as nurse Trixie Franklin in BBC 1’s hit drama “Call the midwife”. She is currently playing the title role in the Theatre Royal Bath’s touring production of Daphne du Maurier’s my cousin Rachel.

A “Call the midwife” has responded to online trolls who have criticised her weight gain in the latest series of the show. Helen George, who plays nurse Trixie Franklin, filmed series seven while pregnant, and so has a fuller face and body than in previous shows. The 33-year-old gave birth last October to a healthy baby girl, named Wren Ivy, who she had with her partner and co-star Jack Ashton. He plays Rev Tom Hereward in the show.

BBC One – Call the Midwife – Trixie Franklin

“Call the midwife” viewers were left bereft on Sunday (11 February) night, as Trixie Franklin departed as part of her alcoholism storyline. Viewers first saw Trixie, played by Helen George, speak up about her alcohol addiction back in 2015, when she sought help from the samaritans and began attending alcoholics anonymous meetings.

Call the Midwife: how they disguised pregnant Helen George’s baby bump

BBC drama “Call the midwife” returned to PBS, and if you’re a fan, we’ve got some exciting news for you. Helen George, who plays the role of Trixie Franklin, has some real-life baby news of her own in this series. Is Helen George pregnant?

Good news “Call the midwife” fans! The powers that be have gifted us with a few teases as to what Season 10 of this heartwarming show has in store. Let’s just say we’re on the edge of our seats. Taking to Instagram yesterday, the call the midwife account shared a stunning photo of our beloved Helen George who plays Trixie Franklin, the bright and glamorous nurse with an outgoing disposition on the show.

The Call the Midwife stars who you didn’t realise are a couple in real-life

In season 7 of “Call the Midwife”, as we return to Nonatus house for season 7 of call the midwife, it is the bone-chilling winter of 1963, and we are on the cusp of the swinging ’60s that London defined. If the Beatles aren’t in the air already, they soon will be, and it’s just a year before Michael Apted’s groundbreaking documentary series begins running on British telly.

Call the midwife season 7, episode 5. Christopher (Jack Hawkins) drives nurse Trixie Franklin (Helen George) to the airport. When will she return? Trixie tries to quietly exit stage left, tiptoeing out of Nonnatus House at dawn as everyone is asleep. She finds Christopher waiting outside, a surprise taxi to take her to the airport. Hang on though, we assumed she was going to a treatment facility, but she mentions Portofino and her Godmother.

Helen George stuns in a beautiful close-up photo taken by beau Jack Ashton

The “Call the midwife” season 6 Christmas special in 2016 was the one where Sister Winifred (Victoria Yeates), Sister Julienne (Jenny Agutter), Dr Patrick Turner (Stephen McGann), Nurse Trixie Franklin (Helen George), nurse Phyllis Crane (Linda Bassett) and nurse Barbara Gilbert (Charlotte Ritchie) go to work at hope clinic mission hospital in South Africa. No need for their trademark red cardigans there!

Helen George brings a decade of beauty, wit and growth to one of UK TV’s most iconic female characters,” they gushed in the caption. Going on to discuss all the wonderful elements which Trixie and Helen encompass. They continue, “Helen, and her peerless portrayal of Trixie from Series 1 has been an essential part of the glue that binds our community of Nonnatus House”.

Trixie – Helen George

After a tumultuous year, call the midwife is finally returning this Christmas with their annual holiday special. And while the show will be packed with beloved characters like Judy Parfitt as Sister Monica Joan, Helen George as Trixie, and laura main’s Shelagh, fans may notice one conspicuous absence from the lineup. After four seasons on the show, Jennifer Kirby who plays nurse Valerie Dyer has announced her departure from call the midwife.

While producers of call the midwife were able to, thankfully, ‘deliver’ the Annual Christmas special just in time for Christmas day 2020, the full season of the drama did not arrive in time for its usual January slot this year thanks to covid-19 and a five-month production delay. But, there seems to be light at the end of the poplar tunnel….

Call the Midwife shares first picture from Series 10 – and teases exciting Trixie Franklin plotline

“Call the midwife”s” nurse Trixie will still be struggling with alcoholism and series seven will feature “painful” storylines for the popular character. Helen George’s character, who has been on the hit BBC period drama since series 1, is currently in a happy relationship with dentist Christopher (Jack Hawkins).

Call the Midwife casts Leonie Elliott as new West Indian Midwife

Well, it’s likely to be the same line-up as the Christmas special. That featured. Jenny Agutter (Sister Julienne), Linda Bassett (nurse Crane), Judy Parfitt (Sister Monica Joan), Fenella Woolgar (sister Hilda), Ella Bruccoleri (sister Frances), Helen George (Trixie), Laura Main (Shelagh Turner), Leonie Elliott (Lucille), Stephen McGann (Dr Turner), Cliff Parisi (Fred), Annabelle Apsion (Violet), Georgie Glen (Miss Higgins), Max Macmillan (Timothy), Daniel Laurie (Reggie) and Zephyr Taitte (Cyril).

Call the Midwife season ten: everything we know so far

Helen George has become a fixture in the Christmas viewing schedule for the last eight years, stepping into the role of the glamorous midwife Trixie in “Call the midwife”. The series spanning the 50s and 60s is the heartwarmer we all need this Christmas. Helen George doesn’t just reserve the glamour for her on-screen character. The actor regularly shares images of her own stunning home that she shares with partner Jack Ashton and daughter Wren.

Call the Midwife shares new sneak-peek at series 10

“Call the midwife” star Helen George has unveiled a stunning new hair transformation. The 25-year-old actress is best known for playing Nurse Trixie Franklin in the beloved medical drama. She is also known for her bright blonde locks, but now the mum-of-one has gone and transformed her look with a new shorter cut.

I was so sad when Reverend Tom and Trixie ended their engagement and Barbara Gilbert starting dating Tom. Tom and Barbara didn’t seem a likely match. I really hated the scene when they are dancing to “ teach me tiger” by April Stevens. Zero sparks there. With Tom and Trixie, this scene would have been sizzling. The actors that played tom ( Jack Aston ) and Trixie ( Helen George) were really involved in 2016 and had a baby together although not engaged or married.

Characters from Call the Midwife

“Call the Midwife Trixie” (BBC) Holiday Special 2020 cast: Sister Monica Joan (Judy Parfitt), sister Julienne (Jenny Agutter), May Turner (April Rae Hoang), nurse Lucille Anderson (Leonie Elliott), Trixie (Helen George), Angela Turner (Alice Brown), nurse Phyllis Crane (Linda Bassett). It is in December 1965. Everyone at Nonnatus house is looking forward to traditional celebrations with all the trimmings, but nothing goes quite to plan.

All of your favourites will be back for the Christmas special.

More on “Call the Midwife”

“Are we going to close after all?” Nurse Trixie asked but she was assured Nonnatus house would be safe. Sister Julienne divulged: “No. We are going to expand. Early next year I will be revealing further details”.

Characters from Call the Midwife

Helen was pregnant during the filming of series 7 of call the midwife. Her character nurse Trixie Franklin made an emotional exit from the show after Helen’s baby bump began to show and couldn’t be hidden. To create a plausible exit for her, nurse Trixie was seen seeking help after spiralling back into alcoholism.

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Helen George was born on June 19, 1984, in Birmingham, West Midlands, England as Helen Elizabeth George. She is an actress, known for the three musketeers (2011), call the midwife (2012) and the monster (2015). She was previously married to Oliver Boot.

Nurse Trixie has been the life and soul of Nonnatus house since the very first episode of call the midwife in 2012. Trixie loves nothing more than to gossip with her fellow nuns and nurses and enjoys poking her nose into other people’s business.

Helen George stars as nurse Trixie Franklin

Between biking around poplar, working late nights, and dealing with lots of crying babies (and mothers), the midwives of Nonnatus House don’t often get the chance to dazzle with their hair and makeup, but for the real-life actresses who play them, walking the red carpet is just another day in the life. In preparation for the show’s upcoming ninth season, here’s a look at what the characters call the midwife really look like.

The entire episode of call the midwife has me broken. Trixie deserves better honestly she’s just so selfless and it makes me so emotional.

All about Call the Midwife

Set in the 1950s and 60s in the East End of London, “Call the Midwife” is a period drama television series that centres around a group of midwives and nuns of Nonnatus house. They are trying to do the best they can for the community, given the medical issues and lack of facilities. Created by Heidi Thomas, the show first released in the UK on January 15, 2012, on BBC !.

Call the midwife sadly will not be back on TV screens in December 2020 as the filming of the new episodes was pushed back due to the pandemic. The BBC has confirmed the official date when Series 10 will return, however fans have been treated to a behind-the-scenes image of one iconic character.

Where is Trixie on “Call the Midwife” Season 7? We can understand the episode picking up tonight and there are many out there who are asking said question almost immediately. So, where is she? It’s a pretty simple question with a fairly simple answer: Trixie is off getting some time away from Nonnatus, presumably to recover from her recent struggles with alcohol abuse. She allowed her addiction to get the best of her and, as a result of that, put herself in a position where she could harm some other people with her habits.

“Call the Midwife” fans were in tears after Sunday night’s finale (23 February), which featured a devastating death and a powerful moment for Trixie Franklin. The season 9 finale was hailed for its sensitive handling of Ann Mitchell’s character Elsie Dyer battling against Oesophagus cancer while being cared for by her distraught niece, Jennifer Kirby’s nurse Valerie.

One of the things that we’ve come to learn with call the midwife over time is that effectively, nobody is spared from a medical emergency. That includes Shelagh and Dr Turner’s au pair Magda, who found herself at the centre of some controversy over an illness. For more “Call the Midwife” article-talk we think that you will enjoy a visit to the Totally Pregnant website here: Totalypregnant.com

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Go to Source Author: Steve

[thisiswhereibloom]

Today Is My Liberation

As our first year wedding anniversary creeps its head around the night, I can’t help it but wonder why? - Why did things have to take such a turn? Why couldn't we work out the differences? When did you start seeing me with that black lens that turned every single one of my actions into something you hate? - Why did I become this “miserable piece of shit ball of depression” to you? - When did I become disposable to you? 

It has taken countless of psychologist hours, self-analysis, mentoring support, reading and learning about the subject to accept that regardless of what I did, would have or could have ever done, the outcome was always going to be the same. It would’ve always been ME. - Today, 12 July 2020, a day before what was supposed to be our first year wedding anniversary, I sit in front of my new home-office desk and start to accept that it wasn’t me, it was NOT me. I am not broken! Despite your and your family’s attempt to convince me that there was something wrong with me because I missed home, the home I left behind to come to the other side of world and build a family with you; or because I cried when you showered me in insults, as your sister said: “you shouldn't be affected the way you are by the words he calls you. They are jokes”; or because a car didn't provide me with the emotional and human affection I was in such a deep need of and in an attempt to ask for help I made a public comment instead of “brushing things under the carpet” as your dad said I should do. Despite the countless times I was called selfish, psychotic, miserable, a disgrace, ball of depression, monster, cunt. Despite your attempt to convince me to go on meds, as in your eyes it was the only way I could be “normal”. Despite the threats to leave me alone in this country I had yet to know and the times you packed up a bag and walked out disappearing for hours only to come back home and force me to apologize for your version of reality. Despite the way you painted me out to be God knows what to everyone in this country because as you told me multiple times, I am the new one here and everyone who knows you so whatever I say, no one would ever believe me. Despite my 4 unsuccessful attempts to reach out and ask for help from 4 of your friend’s partners as they all ignored me. Today, I stand up strong with my head held high as fuck and am proud to say that I am Domestic Violence Survivor. I escaped the cycle of violence from a narcissistic abuser with an incredible group of flying monkeys who not only enabled his behavior but were experts in the game. 

If you care to know, I am not mad at you. I feel sorry for the person I got to know these past year and the person that will continue to evolve and possibly only improve the manipulation tactics I was blinded to. I feel sorry for the possible future victims and pray that life has provided them such a strong foundation like mine, to help them get out of the cycle sooner than later. Although, you did not get a criminal conviction as you played it safe as expected, working out for both of our advantages. I am satisfied knowing that you won't be able to lure another girl overseas and bring her to an unknown country to dispatch her as she no longer serves your needs.

However, I am upset at the flying monkeys that not only enabled your destructive behavior towards me, but played your game by joining into the shaming of my emotions and shutting down my cries of help by diminishing and disregarding the pain I was living in. I was once again, by the other 3 people who were supposed to be the closest to me in my new home, told I was broken. 

When I asked for space to clear my head, to swim to the surface and catch my breath, I was told I could not be left alone as I was “too emotional”. But how could I not be when I found myself sitting at a round table with you and your 3 flying monkeys telling me I was broken. Telling me to brush off your insults under the carpet, that it was not OK for me to be sad because you never kissed or hug me, or because you called me a disgrace, a monster, a selfish bitch, you told me I ruined your life and that you wished you could ship me back.  It was then, I knew I had to join your game while I got ready to leave. So I did. 

You know, the last 2 months I saw you is when you were the calmer and “best” version of yourself. It was not because I wasn't emotional or psychotic. Instead, it was because outside our little love nest of hell, I was building my support system, I was being prepared by a professional, I was building escape routes, all while smiling and keeping the tears away from you. I was accepting your commands while staying within my new boundaries. I know you saw me slipping away though. Your second last attempt was the same as always, to buy me with a trip. You tried rushing into a vacation within weeks when we were not even living together. Then, you put on your show by coming back just for my birthday and making me pay for the brunch you took me to because “it’s all our money” but it never was, you asked me to leave my job. Yeah, for the second time in 10 months you asked me to leave my job as you would take care of us. But the truth is, you never gave a single cent. In fact, I had to become strict to obtain financial help from you as the fancy place you decided to live in was being all paid by me with the excuse that you were paying off “our properties”. Little do your people know that, right? - They all thought I was a gold digger. When you bought “me” the car you couldn't afford, just to show off and fought with me to post the beautiful video your sister recorded as I saw the car. Then you complained about me not being surprised enough for it and how I was selfish because of the same. Well, I was not surprised because I already knew you bought it. And I was not ecstatic about it because you did it in a desperate attempt to buy me and keep me by your side after I said you’re losing with all the insults and abuse. You became desperate as I became wiser. I started to predict your next move and by the time you exploded, I was ready to fly and never look back. 

You know, all the weakness you saw and fed me is slowly turning into this unstoppable stream of self-empowerment. I am not going to lie, it has been tough, more than anyone who has not lived through it could imagine. In a way, I guess you would say you won because I started taking medication. I did it about 2-3 weeks before our final separation because getting ready for it in silence was eating me alive and causing unstoppable anxiety attacks. Remember how I can’t ever throw up? - Well I was throwing up every day multiple times at work. So by the time it was time to fly, the pills had started kicking in giving a little boost to get the fuck out. So I did! 

Today, 4 months since our separation I am starting to see all the pieces of the girl I was, coming back together. I am letting the anger go little by little, I am loving myself again, I am loving life and smiling at strangers down the street again. Who knows, I may be healing enough to open up to love again. Yeah, you heard it right. While you ditched your broken trophy wife aside, there was a line of real men wanting to jump in and hold my hand. Even though one of your last words were, “you’re dying alone” because you tried convincing me that no one would ever want to be with me. Well no, as soon as you let me go my eyes started to shine again, my smile became real and it felt like I was floating in this magical world. I was free. This is your opportunity to judge, so go ahead. Tell people I cheated, since I probably am. You know, since we’re still legally married, although we never really were. But as he says, you were never ready to have a strong woman like me by your side. You needed a follower and submissive person that is OK with you feeding your ego with her soul. 

Today is not our wedding anniversary, today is my liberation. 

Today I acknowledge I am in deep pain, I have open wounds that will take years to heal and that I will carry with me beautiful scars from the battle you and I fought. Today I proudly acknowledge that I am an Emotional, Mental, Physical and Narcissistic Abuse Survivor. I acknowledge that abuse does not discriminate against race, social or economical boundaries. 

Today I can say I accept that you weren’t ready for marriage. I accept that you, just as most people, have underlying issues that need to be worked out before you are ready to give yourself as a supporting husband or even partner to someone else. I also accept that maybe you will never accept that is the case as under your eyes, it would destroy your ego. Today I accept that blood is in fact thicker than water, and that your family had a duty to provide you their unconditional support. Although I accept all these, I am also aware that the damage was not only caused by you, but also by your flying monkeys as they supported and joined in your game.

Today I understand I was brought through this path in my life for a reason bigger than me. That although I don't fully understand what my duty will be, I know there is something waiting ahead that requires me to have experienced what I did with you. I understand that life and God have their ways of testing us, and that even though this past year may seem like hell, I will at some point look back proudly and see how much I have grown and overcome.

Today I decide to let myself free from you. 

To be continued…