#i went to the one yesterday in nyc 9/1

[docnomore]

Off for a week. Habit still has me waking before 5 AM. Wednesday, I disassembled the excavator looking for a hydraulic leak. Found it, fixed it, then left it disassembled while the “glue” dried over night. Mowed the back yard then drove to Ricky’s and finished the work on his boat.

Yesterday, got up and lounged around until 8 AM (as to not risk disturbing neighbors), then went out, checked the repair work then reassembled the excavator. Drove it to the back of the property, got it buried crossing the creek (twice!), then prepared the proposed new fence line. Was hand digging fence posts when approached by a fly by night outfit wanting to pave my driveway. Showed the guy my driveway (not the neighbor’s) and told him what I’d like done. He wasn’t fully honest with me and kept pushing for more. We’d agreed on $40 a yard. He then turned it into using the entire dump truck load (still at $40/yard). Refused to tell me how much the truck carries. Then pushed for me to accept a second truck load. I refused. Half the driveway cost me $6,700. Paid cash.

Today is a day of rest - sort of. Expecting delivery of fence panels. Agreed upon delivery sometime between 8 and noon. They changed it to 9-1 PM. So while I wait, doing the last three chapter of the book I’m using to teach on Sundays. That’s fine. My back needs the rest. Weighed myself this morning. Since a week ago when last I stepped on the scale, I’ve lost 6 1/2 pounds. That’s good because sitting on that tour bus for a week was NOT good for my waistline.

I’ve been enjoying my time alone (she’s in NYC for the week). No hearing aids. Nothing and no one to remind me that I cannot hear - except for yesterday’s fly by night paver from Louisiana. I might have let him do the entire driveway if he’d have been straight up honest with me. Full disclosure with direct answers goes a long way with me. He was not, so I did not.

Spent the entire morning sitting on my front porch. First, drinking coffee, now, lemonade. My view: walkway to the front door, circular drive, and the fire pit in the middle of the circle.

[manleycollins]

Journal Entry #67 - Celebrating Another Year Around the Sun

JOURNAL ENTRY #67 Name: Manley M Collins Social Security Number: 5 7 9 – * * – 6 5 4 1 Date of Birth: 06/21 Place of Birth: Washington, District of Columbia Country of Birth: United States of America Date: May 1, 2021

TOPIC: Celebrating Another Year Around the Sun

I am working with Amtrak and Megabus scheduling trips to New York City on the regular so it was going to be a big celebration as usual. Boston Housing Authority had my hopes up as I had my interview and sent in the paperwork for a two bedroom apartment, but since I did not meet the requirements of the two bedroom (actually having two people), I was returned to the studio and one-bedroom waiting list. Boston Housing Authority had me get three Certificate of Homelessness.

I found Walmart….thank goodness.

I stayed at HI New York City for my 2021 birthday week in New York City. I went to Dave and Buster's Times Square. I went to the Juneteenth After Party with DJ Q at TimeOut Market New York, 5th Floor, 55 Water Street in DUMBO, Brooklyn.

I kept my Harvard University Extension School profile updated every time I filed my FAFSA.

I was involved with University of Phoenix Alumni Advocacy Network or Marketing, but I had to cease working with them until I found how life was going to help me use my doctoral degree.

I shared my graduation photos to help DeVry University celebrate its 90th anniversary.

I started encountering all types of service issues with Lyft's BlueBikes from smartphone app not working to bikes not docking to overcharging.

Strava and Nike were getting the craziest GPS maps of trips on everywhere I was going across Greater Boston on foot and bikes. I did use MBTA (T) public transportation when I am too far out or the day is very late in the evening/night.

I tried Apple TV+ trial subscription, but I actually found no content that I like.

UberEats and DoorDash started sending me on grocery runs or orders.

Therapy and Psychiatrist with Arbour Counseling Services topics were (Previous Journal topics - I just was repeating them to new people verbally)

Suspension from Federal Express work New routine Monday felt gravity and maybe bloatedness Lawsuits life crazy thoughts and pushed through while doing my workout Federal Express corporate doctor for Psychiatric/Psychological Evaluation #1 Want to beat up somebody at work (Federal Express) for not listening and not caring Talked to a long time friend Housing interview Walmart errand

On New York trip, Thursday evening, I had a panic attack at the Jane Hotel, which was a closed space in total darkness and 50 square feet. Nothing in my system except medicine. Question: Maybe close to family???? Slept with light on all other nights.

Traveling all over….other people are traveling….why life thought I was crazy?

Got a message while exploring the library to rebuild my music collection…just because I got the technology parts to do it.

Answers to complaint - Justice Dept heads to District Court - spoke to federal attorney

Release of information to Partners healthcare

US Dept Transportation tries to do mail security on trying not to send them anything through the mail or website.

Preparing to Commencement in Atlanta, Georgia

Photo shoot and social media - felt good buying and putting on MAC Cosmetics and beard dye.

Saw movie Moonlight and Waves on Showtime TV.

Feeling heavy like gravity trying to pull me to the floor.

Reminiscencing over stuff and events during my 30s through YouTube

New individual met in person

Good week overall

Not watching a lot of television and movies

Civil suit results

Birthday weekend in New York City

Blog and Picture release

Southampton Lawsuit BPHC

Fitness Gym

Upcoming Doctor's appointment

Saw a Federal Express colleague yesterday while on a DoorDash or UberEats run and it was kind of awkward

Rough sleep last night assuming based on lawsuit, NYC, and picture release.

Finished Mango Languages (learning French) provided through District of Columbia Public Library. Purchased Busuu language app subscription through the Apple store to continue French language learning.

Met with Psychiatrist

Lost emails and email cleansing on all major accounts.

Picture releasing and storytelling

Hospital emergency room visit for strained muscle or lymph node or hernia.

First time seeing Boston's Fourth of July fireworks from Boston Common

Came to Boston to not be bothered, but folks are doing, "don't listen, don't care."

Colon cancer screening Responses to civil suit Laundry Walmart Unexpected income Apple unexpected transaction Federal Express Calm week Emotional in the beginning Email cleansing Doctor's Appointment

Other topics from Summer of 2021:

I had United Healthcare with Federal Express for medical care and it was accepted by Massachusetts General Hospital. However, I never understood behind the scenes what was happening with MassHealth (BMC Community Health Plan now WellSense) and United Healthcare. I got a new MGH Primary Care Physician and Psychiatrist.

I sent a physical card to my ex-girlfriend for the passing of her mother. She is happily married and her children are doing well.

I was trying to schedule professional photography session because my University of Phoenix commencement was coming up in Atlanta, Georgia. Initially, it was Joe Henson, but he closed the New York City studio so I ended up with Beaupix in Burlington, Massachusetts. During the process, I discovered hennaking . com had a plant-based beard dye and beard or moustache care. I did repurchase and got update on getting my MAC Cosmetics foundation and concealer.

For UberEats and DoorDash, I saw that I needed to purchase a powerbank for my Apple iPhone because I always had to end my day when my phone dies.

I researched Boston nightclubs by TimeOut and Google.

After Federal Express suspension, they sent me in the direction of Paid Medical Leave while on Leave of Absence. Federal Express tried to do Suspension with Pay, but that was short lived….James "Jim" McSweeney took or hold badge. Gary, another new manager, took cellphone locker key. I had to sign a document to see corporate doctor for Center of Cognitive Wellness. I was assigned to a Health Human Capital Management Federal Express person - Cynthia "Cindy" Roten. I ended up applying for Paid Family and Medical Leave (PFML) with Massachusetts Department of Family and Medical Leave. I got denied, then I appealed, and I got approved for a specified time period. I am still on United Healthcare.

I booked my flight with Delta Airlines, rented a car with Enterprise Rent-A-Car, and lodged at Marriott Towne Suites. See photoblogs and tweets for media.

I had the opportunity to apply for Lifeline or the America Rescue Plan for my telephone and data or network plan. I got denied initially due to my address so I had to work the information through AT&T. AT&T knows I will pay whatever price for dependable, reliable, and quality service…yes, 90% of my telecommunications experience, I always purchase the highest cost plan. I believe this is due to having a professional background in telecommunications and educated through my degrees regarding telecommunications.

I sent information to TLC TV Dr. Pimple Popper / Dr. Lee for the small mole on my back for Season Two (2). I never got to audition or feedback on the information sent.

I started researching new places to eat (when I was eating every meal). I saw the Haley House. I went to Haley House, but the food was super heavy food - rice, beans, eggs, etc. for breakfast.

I attended Shakespeare in the Common supporting Commonwealth Shakespeare Company 25th Anniversary play named the The Tempest. It was good. Weather cooperated well. I even talked to a young lady from Arizona.

I was scheduling appointments to use the computer at the Boston Public Library.

I met a friend and went to J.P. Licks, then walked the park from Boston to Cambridge to Beacon Hill in circle.

I was attended virtual service with First Baptist Church of the City of Washington, DC.

I donated street money to Pine Street Inn, St. Francis House, Massachusetts General Hospital, and Boston Police Foundation.

[saleintothe90s]

438. Initial Coverage of the World Trade Center Bombing, 2/26/1993

I was nine when this happened, and I’m pretty sure I was home sick from school that day. I just remembered recently that it was on a Friday. 

The main thing nine year old me took away from that day was being scared by seeing all the people exiting the building with soot around their noses during this dreary day with snowflakes flying around everywhere among the smoke. 

In present day, another thing that sends shivers down me is seeing the people breaking the windows, waiting for help. 

(I remember this shot so well [source])

Stupid nine year old me also thought that bombings were a common occurrence. I mean, we did have the Unibomber running around back then and PanAm flight 103 bombing had just happened a few years earlier.

Years ago, I found the news footage from that day, from CBS 2 in NYC, the only local news channel that had non-cable reception that day because their antenna wasn’t on top of the World Trade Center Tower One. 1. A baby Brian Williams is there. ABC7 from NYC also has a playlist on their YouTube Channel from their coverage. 

9 things I learned from reading and watching the initial coverage: 

1. At first, it was speculated that the bombing had something to do with ongoing civil war turmoil in Yugoslavia. 2

2. There was a class of Kindergarteners from Brooklyn on the observation deck at the time of the bombing. Another group of kids were stuck in an elevator for around 5 hours. 3 The kids didn’t get back home until around 7pm that evening. 

(source)

3. People had to go down pitch dark, smokey stairwells, and commented that there were no alarms, no announcements, and no instructions. 4 A lady who was being interviewed by ABC7 said “we just kept following everybody else down the stairs, and everybody was going, ‘faster, faster!’ ... it just kept getting darker and smokier the further you went down.” Another said the place was a deathtrap, and that in five minutes there was already smoke on the 107th floor. 3. The World Trade Center Director, Charles Maikish said that the emergency communication systems were destroyed in the bombing. 

4. A couple of hours later, there was a bomb threat at the Empire State Building. It obviously was a false alarm. I guess people weren’t taking it seriously, because check out all the people crowded around that entrance. 

5. People were calling the local news channels for assistance. At around 13:52 of this clip, the news anchors tell a caller named John to not break the windows, and to stay low to the floor. Cell phones were still very out of range for most people, so I’m gonna assume while the power was out, phone lines were still working. Also, CBS2 superimposing the fdny and nypd phone numbers over footage of people having trouble breathing is unsettling. 

6. 19 callers claimed responsibility for the blast in the hours following the bombing. (source)

7. 50,000 people were evacuated. Six people died, Port Authority Workers around the blast site, and a man who was in the garage at the time. It’s a miracle more people didn’t die that day from the smoke inhalation.  

8. CBS News reporter Scott Pelley had some haunting words the next day: 

“there is an uneasy feeling among some Americans that after yesterday, somehow something has changed.  Perhaps forever. A loss of our sense of security.”

9. Honorable mention: Carl Selinger: the salad man. Carl had gone to the cafeteria to get lunch and was coming back up to his office via the elevator when the bombing happened. Carl ate half his salad while waiting, but decided to ration the rest of it just in case. It was a good thing he did, because he was trapped in the elevator for five and a half hours:

When Sergeant Timothy Farrell pried open Mr. Selinger’s elevator, he found him in the doorway, holding his salad. To this day, Sergeant Farrell said he remembers him as “the one with the salad.”

“I may have freed 25 or 35 people from the elevators that day, but how I remembered Carl was the fact that he wasn’t really physically upset, or emotional,” Sergeant Farrell, now retired, said at the lecture, which brought the two men together publicly for the first time. “He was calm, he was jocular. And he talked about how he wasn’t sure what happened — and how he had first started to eat the salad for lunch.”5

[...]

For Mr. Selinger, humor has helped. “He was after my salad! That’s the bottom line here,” he said of the moment he was rescued 25 years ago. 5

---

Facebook | Etsy | Retail History Blog | Twitter | YouTube Playlist | Random Post | Ko-fi donation | instagram @thelastvcr 

1. Sontag, Deborah. “EXPLOSION AT THE TWIN TOWERS: Disruptions; Manhattan Is Held in the Grip Of Traffic Snarls and Anxiety.” The New York Times, February 27, 1993, sec. New York. https://www.nytimes.com/1993/02/27/nyregion/explosion-twin-towers-disruptions-manhattan-held-grip-traffic-snarls-anxiety.html. // https://web.archive.org/web/20180330012332/https://www.nytimes.com/1993/02/27/nyregion/explosion-twin-towers-disruptions-manhattan-held-grip-traffic-snarls-anxiety.html

2. AP NEWS. “AP Was There: The 1993 Bombing of the World Trade Center.” Accessed September 12, 2021. https://apnews.com/article/north-america-us-news-ap-top-news-khalid-sheikh-mohammed-bombings-f4f1fd2b2d4b4a17b94ca7183fb65ba4.

3. C, Domenick and elieri. “LOOK BACK: Watch Archive News Coverage of 1993 World Trade Center Terror Bombing Attack.” ABC7 New York, February 25, 2020. https://abc7ny.com/3114288/ // https://web.archive.org/web/20201202035154/https://abc7ny.com/world-trade-center-bombing-1993-smoke-inhalation/3114288/ 

4. McFadden, Robert D. “EXPLOSION AT THE TWIN TOWERS: The Overview; BLAST HITS TRADE CENTER, BOMB SUSPECTED; 5 KILLED, THOUSANDS FLEE SMOKE IN TOWERS.” The New York Times, February 27, 1993, sec. New York. https://www.nytimes.com/1993/02/27/nyregion/explosion-twin-towers-overview-blast-hits-trade-center-bomb-suspected-5-killed.html. //  https://web.archive.org/web/20110909150957/https://www.nytimes.com/1993/02/27/nyregion/explosion-twin-towers-overview-blast-hits-trade-center-bomb-suspected-5-killed.html

5. Otterman, Sharon. “Finding Resilience, 25 Years After 1993 World Trade Center Bombing.” The New York Times, February 19, 2018, sec. New York. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/19/nyregion/first-terror-attack-world-trade-center-anniversary.html. // https://web.archive.org/web/20180221041320/https://www.nytimes.com/2018/02/19/nyregion/first-terror-attack-world-trade-center-anniversary.html

[aelaer]

First: welcome home & I hope you get the sleep you need to get back into your routines! Second: it's Feb. 2, a significant day to our beloved Stephen Strange. I know you're exhausted right now, and the timing is poor--but perhaps when you're up to, you could write a little one-shot about his feelings all these years later (is it 2022 or 2023?) on the anniversary of the accident that changed his life forever. Can't think of anyone better suited to write it! xx

This was sent a year ago but last month I planned to have it out for Feb 2nd, hah.

For canon, he comes back in 2023 in what I think was likely after Feb 2nd, so realistically he can address the anniversary again in 2024. It'd feel like only 3 years for him while, in actuality, it'd been 8. But when it comes to his experienced time versus actual passing time, Stephen's pretty messed up without the Decimation already (I'm not sure how I feel about the name of the "Blip" yet.)

The prompter also requested first person after I asked for more details, and I haven't ever written Stephen in first person so I thought I'd give it a go. I know first person isn't everyone's cup of tea, but if you're willing to give it a shot, call me very obliged.

Warning for canon compliance :P

——————

Staring Back In Time Rating: G (well, other than language)

An entry from the memoirs of Doctor Stephen Strange, Earth's Sorcerer Supreme, during his time as the Master of the New York Sanctum, several months after the Battle of Earth against Thanos:

February 2, 2024

Calendars don't mean as much as they used to. Once upon a time my life was ruled by the calendar. Consultation here, surgery there, society dinner over the weekend. Dates were important and generally set without change once marked down.

It doesn't work that way as a sorcerer. I keep a schedule, of course, one that marks down classes with apprentices and adepts and meetings with other Masters, never mind all the business outside of Kamar-Taj. But I learned early on that these set times shifted occasionally to accommodate the emergencies that the order often had to quash down, and it became obvious that as a Master, my schedule was more of a hopeful guideline than anything set in stone. Flexibility was a necessity.

Ever since my return to the living, keeping anything resembling a set schedule has been more of a laughable dream. Earth being the center of two universe-changing, Infinity Stone-powered events in a matter of hours did serious damage to the fabric woven about reality across the planet, and the Masters of the Mystic Arts are going to be dealing with the multidimensional repercussions for years to come. Nothing is predictable in my day-to-day anymore.

My relationship with time was fucked the moment I confronted Dormammu, so I can't say it's a large surprise that calendars have become mostly irrelevant.

If someone had told me that I, Doctor Stephen Strange, a man of order and precision, would learn to live with such unpredictability, I would have laughed in their face. But I'm not the man I once was (and thank God for that; that man was a dick). However, it's also because of this change that I didn't realize the day until it was nearly done.

I was reviewing my schedule for tomorrow, which I had set up on Google Calendar (Google had, naturally, survived the Decimation just fine, but like most other non-vital services, had many of their upcoming products delayed for years. But their email and calendar services continue to work great). Tomorrow's a Saturday, which means nothing in my world. My work continues on. The threats on our reality care little for weekends or holidays.

Still, it was only during this review, shortly before I planned to retire for the night, that I realized that today is February 2nd.

I won't ever forget the day, of course. It was both three years ago and eight years ago—or perhaps many lifetimes ago would be a more accurate description, though I lost track of time in both of my major journeys with the Time Stone. One day I'll write about them. Not now, but one day. Both memories are still too fresh.

The memory of the day of the accident, though? It feels both like yesterday and centuries ago. Some parts of the day are engraved in my memory like a film. I remember the last surgery down to the individual conversations. Christine's "thank you". Nick's watch. The cling of the bullet as I dropped it onto the tray.

I can remember my last conversation with Billy, too, in the car. Every damned word. But the drive itself is fuzzy, even in my head with my memory. I remember it began to rain during the drive, not beforehand, and I know the road was narrow and two-laned. I know I avoided a direct route to avoid traffic, driving first into Jersey before heading north and crossing the river again. But the rest is forgotten to time, or perhaps to trauma.

I was told that Billy was the first to call 9-1-1 as he heard the tearing of metal and shattering of glass before the connection was lost. The driver I hit—I learned much later that she escaped with only minor injuries—called a couple minutes later. But it was out in the mountains, dark, and raining. It took them hours to find me and extract me from the car.

Funny. Never thought I'd ever write about one of the worst days of my life like this. But I was told early on that personal journals were encouraged for all who stay in Kamar-Taj. Something about its therapeutic benefits was mentioned at some point. I only picked up the practice once I learned that each gifted journal was inaccessible to others until the time of their death, and after I mastered the art of enchanting a pen to write the words I spoke. Unfortunately this journal appeared to others after the Decimation, but Wong has reassured me that no one read it and it has since disappeared again from public view. 

Still, the point is that, one day, someone just might read this—account of a man who was part of an effort to save the universe. And it is difficult for a reader to judge my actions if they don't know how I was the one who ruined my life. My driving was reckless and stupid. I was running a little late, but it wouldn't have mattered in the long run had I been fifteen, twenty minutes, thirty minutes late. Not really.

Then again, I suppose it would have. I certainly wouldn't be here right now.

One could say that the accident and everything that has followed is some sort of penance for my hubris as a surgeon. I enjoy my newer abilities—quite a bit—but the responsibility that has come with them has not come without its own hardships and sacrifices. Perhaps the worst of the sacrifices were the ones I was unable to prevent others from performing, all for the sake of the universe.

Those sacrifices were made willingly, but I cannot help but feel responsible for them, regardless. 

During my first winter again returned to the living, when the days grew colder and my hands ached in the bad weather, and the only thoughts to accompany the pain were bitter, another thought was born. I was tempted, for the first time in a long time, to give it all up, restore my fine motor skills with channeled magic, and go back to the world I once knew, for a life much, much easier than this one is now. Even with all the troubles that had cropped up as people tried to reorganize a world that doubled in size overnight, it was miles away from the difficulties we were facing in Kamar-Taj.

Their sacrifices—the fates I pushed so many people towards—quelled the idea quickly. It did little to ease the physical pain or sting of guilt, but it lifted the temptation. And ever since that day, I have considered the situation and I don't think I will ever be tempted by the idea of giving up my duties for an easier, pain-free life again.

And I suppose that counts for something.

——————

(Hey look, my interest in geography's leaked again.)

I've always wondered where Stephen actually crashed mostly because New York City is *flat* and those mountains were *very much not flat*. I figured out the bridge that he crossed to get out of the city (there are like, 21 bridges that lead out of Manhattan) was the George Washington Bridge, and it leads to New Jersey—but that's not necessarily useful because it can quickly turn back into New York state if you turn north. We also know he crashed down into a body of water, which *might* be the Hudson, but also might not, but that the body of water is to his left, which narrows it down a bit. But again, not much. And the site of his crash is so dark in the videos and screenshots that I can barely tell what's on it. It looks like a bridge and some industrial building, so the Hudson's a good guess, but otherwise? Well, basically I turned on the topography part of Google maps and started searching.

The 202 on the east side of the river just north of Peekskill (again in New York) matches the movie road's windiness, height, and closeness to the river, and even has a bridge that could be just to the north of the crash site. Unfortunately the railing's off and there's no industrial building thingy by the bridge. It also makes the route out of the city via George Washington Bridge make no sense. Like the Stark Industries area in LA in the films, it's probably a completely fictional landscape.

But as I wasn't able to find a better locale that was still close enough to NYC to direct an emergency helicopter to, my headcanon for this scene is that he left via George Washington bridge to avoid some major traffic or something, crossed the river via the 287 a bit further up north to get back to the east side of the river, then went up the 9 to the 202. Unless someone who lives in the area can find the actual road he was driving (if it's real), this is what I'm gonna go with. (And if someone DOES please let me knowwwww). Funny enough, I don't see him getting led to *his* hospital totally unrealistic, because he'd need a very talented orthopedic surgeon with a specialty in hands to come in, and generally speaking a patient can be helicoptered to another hospital where such a surgeon is available. If Stephen is working at the Metro-General, it's likely they can afford a large cast of talented surgeons. So I don't think Nick was necessarily the lead surgeon in his case, just one of many necessary surgeons.

[redrabbitspod]

I've been looking at the BLM tag for the past few days. I've been talking with my roommates and my boyfriend about everything that's happened. We plan on going to a protest this weekend, we're in the South. I'm scared, because one of my roommates is POC and I'm trans. I was wondering, then, if you had tips for us? My roommate has asthma, though it hasn't affected them since childhood and I bind, so a main concern is if we get hit with tear gas and struggle to breathe.

OOC: I know you probably wanted Seth or someone to answer, but I’m answering this ooc because I think it’s important. Your roommate that has asthma, I think should just consider the state of their lungs and should go to planned, organized event, and get out early. I’m in New York and I’ve been to every protest in my area dealing with BLM in the past 5 years (most in Baltimore). But I think I can speak for many downstate New Yorkers (I’m on Long Island), that most of us know someone that has had Covid. And most of us know someone who’s died. It’s no joke. Its absolutely fucking horrific and if I didn’t have asthma, putting me at a higher risk, and if the family I live with were not over the age of 65, then I would be out there, in NYC too.  But my asthma is also pretty bad, so if they haven't had problems since childhood, their lungs are probably strong. 

Now about you and binding, if you struggle to breathe, then realize that running will be a struggle as well. And running is your main asset when the protests turn. And since you are trans, know that the police may treat you differently. I’m not trying to be all doom and gloom, but this is serious and I think you all have to look at the cons as well as the immense pros in this. This has to do with your safety though. 

With all of that being said, I think going to an organized protest would be fucking amazing. Yesterday especially there were dozens of beautiful protests around the country. Most start at 11-1 o'clock and can be found on facebook. Go if you feel you are safe from the virus or can safely distance! (which i stand by is very very important to consider. But I am also a New Yorker at risk, so I have a different perspective.) 

Some tips are to keep your eyes and ears open. It only takes one instigator - may that be the police (in MANY MANY CASES) or others, always keep an eye and an ear out for people looking to turn the crowd. That is very VERY important. 

In 2015, I went to an organized protest near City Hall in Baltimore, Maryland. it was only a small group of us. Like VERY small. And after facing off with mustache asshole from Fox news, we all headed towards the inner harbor to meet with other groups of protestors from other schools. When we all met up, a woman came running and saying, ‘don’t go near the jail. it’s a trap and they’re going to arrest all of you’. This was after the national guard was already in the city, and we already had the unrest the previous Saturday in the inner harbor. The first ‘riot’ in Baltimore. I turned to my friends and we had to ask ourselves if we wanted to get arrested. We were in sophomores in college and that would affect our scholarships. We decided we couldn’t take the risk and walked all the way back to our dorms. 

The moment I got into my room, I heard shouting from outside. I raced to my window and the crowd grew by the THOUSANDS. My window faced North Ave, the notorious street in Baltimore. I threw on my shoes and I grabbed my phone and I ran back out there. Split decision. I didn’t have any friends with me, no buddies. And I (perhaps stupidly), threw myself into the fray. It was the most fucking amazing experience of my life. And it was the biggest protest in Baltimore at that time. I didn’t have to know anyone, because we were all screaming for one cause. It wasn’t until we walked around the entire city, through Sandtown where Freddie was killed, that we reached the inner harbor and I found my friends. But it was 8:30 by then and approaching curfew, which was 9 o'clock. We raced to get home before that struck because the police had been getting violent in previous days. That’s where this picture was taken from.

NOW WHAT FUCKIN RELEVANCE DOES THIS FUCKIN HAVE. 

I heard that the tides were going to change. That the police may get violent and this was after already experiencing the police yelling shit at us, flipping us off in previous college organized protests, and watching them beat the people every fucking night. You HAVE to be conscious of those around you. If you hear that people have started to throw shit, unless you’re about that life and want to take the risk, LEAVE. And as non-black people, DO NOT BE AGGRESSIVE IN THE UNREST. The best thing you can do is create a barrier around the black protesters. The best thing you can do is try to help those around you. But don’t be one of those fuckin idiots that are spray painting on buildings, throwing shit, setting shit on fire, because it reflects badly on us. We will be blamed for it. Not saying I think you would do that, but keep that in mind. 

Here are some quick tips summarized:

Watch out for unrest. The people start getting violent? leave. You cant continue the fight if you get hurt. 

the POLICE START GETTING VIOLENT?! Get. the fuck. Out of there. And help anyone you see that needs it. 

Keep your eyes out for a med booth or those supplying first aid. I’ve heard they are spread all throughout the protests, ready to aid.

Bring your inhaler

Write the number of your friends on your body. This day and age people don’t know each others numbers. It’s very easy to lose your phone when shit pops off. And if you get separated, you’ll be happy that you have it written somewhere. Just make sure its non-visible. Some people ended up getting doxxed during the last uprising. 

Write the number of a friend that is not there, someone you trust, as well, in the same manner. If someone is handing out the number of someone representing legal counsel, take it. 

Bring water with you. That is vital. And snacks. Keep your energy up in the sun.

I saw many things saying unlock your phone so people can get to your information. Do not unlock your phone. If it gets stolen then you’re fucked and if it gets in the hands of the police, you don’t want them searching through your shit. On your lock screen put all necessary information. Your picture, name, age, phone number, and the phone number of the person you trust. 

Bring a black sharpie. You need to write shit down like the name of someone getting arrested? you’ll be happy for it. 

stay together. try your best to not get separated. One goes, you all go. You do not want to lose someone in the fray. 

MAKE SURE YOU HAVE A MASK OR SOME SORT OF FACE COVERING. FABRIC, MEDICAL, WHATEVER. NOT ONLY DO YOU WANT SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOU, BUT SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOU FROM FACIAL RECOGNITION. 

tie back your hair if you have long hair. 

wear baggy black clothing. you want to be as non-descript as possible. you do not want the police to be able to easily profile you. 

stay far away from the fuckin cops. we saw in ft Lauderdale yesterday that it takes ONE COP to start it all. 

If you have medical supplies? bring them. 

If you see opposing parties trying to start shit like the trump supporters and white supremacists infiltrating the crowd? RAISE THE ALARM. TELL. OTHERS. 

POLICE ARE INFILTRATING THE CROWDS AS WELL. I’ve heard that they're changing armband color every day. So if you see an armband, tell the people around you. It’s usually on the upper bicep and keep your eyes open for anyone else like that. This is important. 

AOC posted this fantastic guide:

And you can find the entire thing here

Please stay safe, stay alert, stay aware, and thank you for fighting. 

Black Lives Matter.

- BloodyDamnit

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 27 of 26

Title: How Long ‘Til Black Future Month? (2018)

Author: N. K. Jemisin

Genre/Tags: Short Story Collection, Fantasy, Science Fiction, Horror, Dystopia, Magical Realism, Steampunk, Cyberpunk, Post-Apocalyptic, Female Protagonist(s), LGBT Protagonist(s).

Rating: 8/10 (Note: This is an average of all the stories -- see below the cut for individual story blurbs/ratings).

Date Began: 9/27/2020

Date Finished: 10/4/2020

I really liked this collection! Jemisin wrote my favorite fanstasy/scifi series ever with The Broken Earth trilogy, and I really enjoyed her recent novel The City We Became. I was in the mindset for shorter fiction so decided to read this collection of short stories. Of these 22 stories, my absolute favorites (9/10 or higher) were:

The City Born Great - 10/10

The Effluent Engine - 9/10

Cloud Dragon Skies - 9/10

The Trojan Girl -10/10

Valedictorian - 9/10

The Evaluators - 10/10

Stone Hunger - 9/10

The Narcomancer - 9/10

Too Many Yesterdays, Not Enough Tomorrows - 9/10

Sinners, Saints, Dragons, and Haints, in the City Beneath the Still Waters - 9/10

A more detailed summary/reaction to each story under the cut. WARNING: IT’S LONG.

1. Those Who Stay and Fight - 8/10  

Describes a utopia called Um-Helat that exists solely because no one is seen as superior or inferior to anyone else. Over time we learn it's a future, or potential future, of America. But America today is pure anathema to it due to rampant structural inequality. In order to achieve its utopian ideal, Um-Helatians have to root out and destroy people corrupted by the past.

This story was apparently written as a tribute/response to the Ursula K. Le Guin story “The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas”. I first read this without context, then went and read the Le Guin story. I definitely see the parallels. Both feature a narrator describing a wonderful utopia in the midst of festival, trying to convince the reader of the place's existence, before introducing something dark that is the price of the utopia. In the Le Guin story, the utopia exists at the price of the horrible misery and suffering of one child, and everyone is aware of it. Most live with it, but a few leave for the unknown rather than continue to live there (hence the title). In Jemisin's story, the price is instead the annihilation of those tainted by exposure to the evils of the past. The choice, instead of leaving, is for those tainted yet capable to become protectors of the new world, or die.

The thesis is pretty clear: that only by abandoning horrible ideologies and refusing to give them any ground or quarter can a utopian society truly exist. I will say that rings clear, especially when one considers Naziism and fascism. Not all ideologies deserve the light of day or debate, and even entertaining them as valid allows it to take hold. I liked this story, though it comes off as a social justice essay more than a story in and of itself.

2. The City Born Great - 10/10

This one is told from the perspective of a homeless young black man who feels a strange resonance with New York City. He meets a mysterious figure named Paulo, who tells him the city is about to be born as a full-fledged entity, and the man has been chosen to assist with its birth. However, there’s an eldritch force known simply as The Enemy that seeks to prevent this from happening.

I've read this one before since it's the prologue to The City We Became. And honestly it was one of my favorite parts of that book. New York City is a phenomenal character. I love that the proto-avatar of NYC is a young homeless black man, one of the most denigrated groups out there. Cops being the harbingers of eldritch destruction is... yeah. It was fun to reread this. The ending is a little different, because in the novel, something goes terribly wrong that doesn't happen in this short story. There is also a flash forward where he is, apparently, about to awaken the avatar of Los Angeles. Makes me wonder if that is ultimately the endgame of the series. But otherwise it's the same thing with absolutely phenomenal character voice and creativity regarding cities as living creatures. I'm glad Jemisin expanded this idea into a full series.

3. Red Dirt Witch - 7/10

Takes place before the (1960s) Civil Rights Movement in Pratt City, AL. The main character is Emmaline, a witch with three kids. A creepy figure called The White Lady comes to visit and steal one of her children.

I love the little twist that The White Lady is a faerie. And the different take on rowan/ash/thorn instead being rosemary/sage/sycamore fig. There is a lot of touching bits about the horrible trials and human rights abuses during the Civil Rights marches (which are unfortunately all too relevant still), but ultimately a hopeful glimpse of the future of black people in America, though hard-won.

4. L'Alchimista - 6/10

Stars a Milanese master chef named Franca, who fell from glory for Reasons, who now works as head chef at a run-down inn. She feeds a mysterious stranger, who then challenges her to fix a seemingly impossible recipe.

This one was fun and charming. I thought the food (and magical food) descriptions were very vibrant and interesting, especially the last meal. I can tell this is an earlier story and it's pretty light hearted, but I enjoyed it. It felt like it needed a little more of.. something.  

5. The Effluent Engine - 9/10

In an interesting steampunk take, Haitian spy Jessaline comes to the city of New Orleans to meet one of its foremost scientists. Her goal is to find a viable, unique energy source to strengthen Haiti in a world that wants to see her nation dead.

I really liked this; it's one of the longer stories so there's more time for character development and worldbuilding. And it's gay. I'm not hugely into pure steampunk because a lot of it comes off as very... samey (hyper Eurocentric/Victorian, etc) but I thought this take was fresh.

Like much of Jemisin's work, there is a lot of racial under and overtones; this one specifically goes into the terrible atrocities committed against the Haitians during their Revolution, and the varied social classes of black/Creole people in New Orleans at the time. A lot of this is stuff I was unaware of or knew very little about. I thought it was interesting to bring all of these to the forefront in a steampunk story in addition to the dirigibles, clockwork, action, and subterfuge. Also, everything tries together in a very satisfying way by the end (the rum bottle!), which I love in short fiction.

6. Cloud Dragon Skies - 9/10

Takes place in a post-apoc future where some humans evacuated to space while others stayed behind and took on more indigenous traditions to heal the Earth. The sky has suddenly turned red on Earth, and some representatives from the "sky-people" come to study it and figure out why.

I really enjoyed this little story; fantasy/scifi fusions are my jam, but science fiction specifically told through a fantasy lens is just so cool to me. The cloud dragons were very interesting and imaginative. Also, I love how the opening statement's meaning isn't particularly clear until you read the whole thing.

7. The Trojan Girl - 10/10

This one is about sentient computer programs/viruses that struggle to survive in something called the Amorph, which is basically a more advanced, omnipresent version of the Internet.

Holy fucking shit was this a cool story. Probably the coolest take on cyberpunk I've ever read. The main character Moroe has formed a messed up little family of creatures like him who live and hunt in Amorph's code, but can upload to "the Static" (real life) if needed by hijacking human hosts. The way this is described is so damn creepy and unsettling. I love that while they're anthropomorphized, the characters are mostly feral and compared to a pack of wolves. Soooo much wolf pack imagery. And the ending is so fucking good and imaginative.

This was apparently a proof of concept story that Jemisin decided not to adapt to a longer series, which I'm kind of sad about, but it was REALLY cool nevertheless. The next story is apparently in the same universe and serves as the "conclusion".

8. Valedictorian - 9/10

This one is about a girl who is, well, top of her class in high school, and the stresses that mount as graduation approaches. But while it seems like a familiar setup, there is something decidedly Off about everything, which is revealed gradually over the course of the story.

I originally gave this an 8, but honestly I couldn't stop thinking about it so I boosted it to a 9. It doesn’t become clear how this connects to the previous story until the midpoint. I liked this one because it functions as a nice dystopian science fiction story but also biting social commentary on the modern American education system. I'm not going go say more on it because spoilers. While I personally like the first story more I think this is an interesting followup/conclusion with a more cerebral approach.  

9. The Storyteller's Replacement - 6/10

This one's presented as a traditional "once upon a time" fable told by a storyteller narrator, about a shitty despotic king named Paramenter. Desperate to prove his virility, he eats the heart of a dragon, which is said to be a cure-all for impotence. It's successful, but the six strange daughters that result seem to have plans of their own.

Not really my cup of tea-- it's pretty fucked up. But it's definitely cathartic by the end, which I appreciate, and I do like how creepy the daughters are.

10. The Brides of Heaven - 5/10

Framed as an interrogation in an offworld colony called Illiyin, in which a terrible accident occurred on the way that left all the adult men dead. Dihya, who lost her only son to an alien parasite, is caught trying to sabotage the colony's water supply for reasons unknown.

I like some things in this story. I love the trope of alien biology affecting human biology in unexpected ways. I'm not terribly familiar with Islam but thought it added an interesting faith vs practicality vs tradition element to the science fiction. However I found the sexual body horror REALLY squicky which turned me off the story as a whole.

11. The Evaluators - 10/10

Stylized as a collection of logs and excerpts from a First Contact team of humans visiting and studying a sapient alien species to potentially set up trade relations. There's a focus on one team member named Aihua and her conversations with one of the aliens, but there's miscellaneous important hints/excerpts from the survey that hint Something Creepy Is Going On.

This one was BIZARRE and took me two reads to fully appreciate, but it’s a great work of nontraditional science fiction horror. Just... the epitome of "*nervous laughter* 'what the fuck'". I can't say more without spoiling but dear lord. That whole Jesus bit hits different on a second read. Fucking hell.

12. Walking Awake - 7/10

Takes place in a dystopian society in which parasitic creatures known as Masters keep a small number of humans alive to be flesh suits for them, which they take over and trade around at will. The main character Sadie is a human "caretaker" responsible for propagandizing and raising well-bred human children that eventually become the Masters' hosts. She starts to have disturbing dreams when one takes over the body of a teenage boy she was particularly attached to.

This is apparently a response to Robert Heinlein's The Puppet Masters, which I have never read. It's a full damn novel so I probably won't. Google tells me it's about parasitic aliens, but was obviously also Red Scare paranoia about communist Russia. The argument in the Jemisin story is that the parasites are a result of human folly in an attempt to punish/control people their creators didn't like. This went poorly and resulted in the whole world being taken over.

The story itself is disturbing since the victims are innocent children, but it's ultimately about standing up and taking the first step toward revolution. I felt pretty neutral about the story itself; perhaps I would have liked it more if it was longer and I had more time with the world and protagonist. I wanted to connect to Sadie and her maternal relationship the boy who got killed more. Or maybe it's more impactful if you're familiar with the Heinlein novel and can see the nods/digs.

13. The Elevator Dancer - 7/10

A very short story that takes place in a Christian fundamentalist surveillance state. The protagonist is an unnamed security guard who occasionally sees a woman dancing alone in the elevator and obsesses over her.

I like this one but I'm not sure if I really get it. It's heavily implied the dancer is a hallucination, and the narrator gets "re-educated" but it's all a little ambiguous. I think it's about the struggle to find meaning and inspiration in an oppressive world.  

14. Cuisine des Mémoires - 8/10

This one's about a man named Harold who visits a strange restaurant that claims it can replicate any meal from any point in history. He orders a meal which his ex-wife, whom he still loves very much, fixed for him years ago.

This one was certainly different, but I really like the idea of food-as-memory, especially because that's an actual thing. This story just takes it to an extra level. Honestly this story made me feel things... the longing of memory and missed connections/opportunities. Jemisin did a great job with emotion on this one.

15. Stone Hunger - 9/10

Stars a girl in with the ability to manipulate the earth who's tracking down a man she senses in an unfamiliar city. It's heavily implied the world is in a perpetual post-apocalyptic state. When she's caught damaging the outer wall of the city to break in and injured/imprisoned, she's aided by a mysterious, humanoid statue creature with motives of its own.

I have to say it's really interesting to see an early beta concept of The Broken Earth. Orogeny is a little different (and not named)-- there's some kind of taste component to it? Though that's possibly unique to the main character? While hatred of orogenes exists I don't think it's a structural exploitation allegory at this point. Ykka + proto-Castrima existing this early is pretty funny to me. People also use metal, which is VERY funny if you’ve read the series. But I was thrilled to see stone eaters were Very Much A Thing this early and almost exactly how they appear in the series (a little more sinister I guess. At least the one in this story is. I think he basically gets integrated into the Steel/Gray character in the final version).

Anyway as a huge fan of The Broken Earth it's inspiring to see these early ideas and just how much got changed. It's hard for me to look at this as an independent story without the context of the series. I think I'd like it due to the creative setting and strange concepts, but I appreciate the final changes to narrative style and worldbuilding, which really made the series for me.

16. On The Banks of the River Lex - 8/10

Death explores a decaying, post-human version of New York City. He and various deities/ideas created by humans are all that survives in the future and they struggle to exist in the crumbling infrastructure of the city. But Death gradually observes new and different creatures developing amid the wreckage.

I liked this! Despite a typically bleak premise the story is very optimistic and hopeful for the future of the world post-humanity. I like anthropomorphized concepts/deities/etc in general. I thought the imagery of decay and life was gorgeous. Also octopuses are cool.

17. The Narcomancer - 9/10

Told from the perspective of Cet, a priest known as a Gatherer, who can take the life of someone through their dreams in order to bring them peace. When a village petitions his order to investigate a series of raids conducted by brigands using forbidden magic, Cet joins the party. However, he is troubled by his growing attraction to a strong-willed woman of the village.

This apparently takes place in the Dreamblood universe, which I have not read and know nothing about. However, I really enjoyed this story. It's the longest in the collection so I felt I really got to know the characters. The dream-based religion and fantasy was captivating to learn about. It was also romantic as hell, but not in the typical way you’d expect. I thought the central conflict of a priest struggling between an oath of celibacy and his duty to do the right thing (bring peace to someone who needs it) was fascinating.

18. Henosis - 4/10

A short piece, told anachronistically, about a lauded, award winning author on the way to an award ceremony. He gets kidnapped, but there's Something Else going on.

Honestly I get the sense this one is personal, lol. I will say I like the disturbing play on expectations, but I didn't connect much with it otherwise.  

19. Too Many Yesterdays, Not Enough Tomorrows - 9/10

Follows a group of bloggers who have found themselves caught in isolated quantum loops. Their only human contact is through tenuous online conversations with each other. Styled as various chat logs and emails interspersed with the thoughts and perspectives of Helen, a young black woman who before the loop was teaching English in Japan.

This one is real depressing and definitely Social Commentary (TM). The central thesis about loneliness and disconnect at the end made me pretty dang sad. Good stuff in an ouch kind of way and made me think.

20. The You Train - 6/10

Told from the perspective of an unnamed narrator talking (presumably on the phone) to a friend about her struggles adjusting to life in New York City. She regularly mentions seeing train lines that either don't exist or retired a long time ago.

This is the kind of story I'd normally really like. I think trains are interesting and like vaguely supernatural, inexplicable shit. The one-sided phone call is also an interesting narrative device. But I'm not sure I really got this one. It comes off as vaguely horror-y but also optimistic? I couldn't really figure this one out, and it was too short to feel much investment on top of that.

21. Non-Zero Probabilities - 7/10

Luck has gone completely out of whack in New York City. Highly improbable events suddenly become way more likely, both good and bad. This story follows a woman named Adele and coming to grips with the new ways of life this brings.

I liked this one well enough but I don't have a lot to say about it. I liked how the story looks at how people would adapt to a life where probability doesn't mean anything anymore.  

22. Sinners, Saints, Dragons, and Haints, in the City Beneath the Still Waters - 9/10

A magical realism story about a man named Tookie struggling to survive in New Orleans in the immediate aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. He meets a talking, winged lizard and the two help each other out. But it soon becomes clear there is something sinister lurking in the flooded ruins of the city.

This story was very imaginative and a great cap to the collection. I thought it was an intriguing time period to set a magical realism story in. I love the little details, especially those of omission -- the "lizard" is never called a dragon, for example. I can see echoes of this story in The City We Became, especially the themes of cities as powerful entities, vague eldritch fuckery centered around hatred, and certain people being guardians of the city.  

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

A lil recap

Okay first off strategically this race was a mess I did not follow my plan AT ALL 🤦🏼‍♀️ but I actually feel like a learned a lot of valuable things to take with me for my marathon race day and I got in the miles which was goal #1 so I’m fine with it

-I ran from home to the start which is 3ish miles so I knew I’d have a 16 mile day, when I signed up for this race last week I thought I had a 14 miler this weekend so I was like okay cool with my run from home that should be good but then I realized I actually only had a 10 miler so uh whoops but also my training plan is arbitrary and based loosely off of a runner’s world rec so 🤷🏼‍♀️ w/e the main goal was just to not hurt myself

-so I ran to the start which honestly felt good and I think overall this was a less mentally taxing way to run 16 miles as opposed to just making up my own route so I’m glad I did it for that

-my plan... “plan” ....was to run the 3 miles there at 9-10 pace as a suuuper warm up, first 5 at 8:30-9:00, 6-10 at 8-8:30, and last 5k at 7:00-8:00...yeah clearly that went out the window

-the warm up being fast didn’t worry me TOO much because it was largely downhill and my legs were fresh so I was like okok

-but an important lesson I learned is that if you want to start off slow it is, in fact, not the best idea to position yourself towards the front of the A corral 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

-I kept telling myself “check your ego” and “run your own race” especially because I wasn’t even running this to race I was running it to train but...it’s hard not to get swept up when everyone is moving quickly! This is my fatal flaw when it comes to racing though and what destroyed me in my marathon in 2017 so this spring I plan to position myself with people running slower to start. This is why when I run long runs alone I can finish strong but in a race I burn out

-I stopped to use the porta potties twice (those are the 9+ min miles), the first time was an emergency but the second time I was just exhausted, I had to go but I also know I could have made it to the finish before going but also I was like I am wrecked!!!

-honestly though I didn’t feel wrecked aerobically rather my back started KILLING me at mile 6ish like hurting SO badly which has happened to me on a few runs over the past few months but rarely and usually at the very end so it doesn’t matter but DAMN

-also I raced in new shoes which like...I knew was dumb but I was excited and my old ones were so beat up but like 8 miles into the race (?) my feet also started killing me and I was like ahhhhhhggggghghhghggh

-so in a way it’s good that what tripped me up was pain not fitness but also...pain isn’t good!

-okay also fueling...oof. I woke up at 5:50 and ate a bagel with pb and a little bit of banana, I never eat before I run if it’s in the morning but I feel like when I run my marathon it would be smart to and this seemed like a good opportunity to practice (lol don’t try anything new on race day am I right! 🤦🏼‍♀️) I was only planning to have half but this morning I felt hungry so I was like #yolo which was prob dumb because on my run to the start my stomach started killing me just like...stabbing pain so that was less than pleasant

-I was using honey stinger gummies every few miles but after awhile I legitimately just forgot about them and then I dropped one and then I was nauseous so yeah that all went out the window and when I finished my stomach felt wrecked and it still does but I got a sufferfest beer to try because they sponsor a bunch of ultra runners I follow and ...they were free but I only had a few sips before being like OOF no thank you (the beer was good my stomach was not). We went to brunch and I got pancakes and orange juice and I don’t think I’ve had orange juice since I was a child but for whatever reason it sounded amazing and it was fresh squeezes and hit the spot. The pancakes were fluffy af and the restauarant was cute and decorated for the holidays but tbh even now just thinking about food makes me feel like I’m gonna vom my stomach does nooot feel good. On a related note, the concept of brunch or good food after a race is nice in theory but I just feel like based on how my body reacts to long distances I’m better off enjoying good eats later that night or like..any other time

-okay back to running, tbh I literally walked a little around mile 11 because I was just in so much pain and I was like I could keep running and hurting for the next two miles or I could walk for a minute and gather myself and feel better for the last bit (spoiler: I didn’t feel much better). Honestly I did noooot finish strong, I did the opposite of finish strong, the last .2 felt like 100 miles but at the very very very last bit I gave a little kick but oof

-but like I said, very fine with it because main goal was to do a long run which I did

Other things!

-passed by elliot (my running bud) between miles 10 and 11 (that part of the course was an out and back) he didn’t see me but somehow I heard his voice and noticed him wtf?? I’m always amazed by my weird talent to find people I know in races in unexplainable ways like when I ran nyc I found a fellow unc marathon team person at like mile 23 in a field of 50,000 and I recognized her from behind and we weren’t even good friends...like...what!

-I felt really strong on the hilly sections and passed a good bit of people and feel like I’ve got good mountain legs for when that becomes relevant some day

-Jared ran his first 5k (race)! I’m proud of him. Yesterday at the expo he bought winter running tights and I was like ooooo I’m turning you into a runner boy 😈

There’s probably like 400 more things to say but I’m tired so if you read all of this you’re a rockstar !

[46ten]

AH and Peter Lavien connections, part 2

See part 1 here. I left off at John Kean becoming Cashier of the Bank of the U.S., 25Oct 1791, and thereafter working pretty much constantly with AH, the man whose half-brother he was in a partnership with in the early 1780s. But this was not the only way Kean and AH were tied together. 

In 1786, Kean moved to NYC and married Susan Livingston (1759-1833). Susan was the daughter of Peter Van Brugh Livingston (1710-1792) and therefore niece of William Livingston (the one AH lived with for a time) and first cousin to Sarah (married to Jay), Susannah (Suki), Catharine (Kitty) and 10 other W.Livingston/Susannah French kids. Since Susan was also one of EH’s cousins, Kean and AH were now related by marriage. 

Susan L. Kean is included in the “Subscriptions for the Relief of the foregoing [French Distressed Persons] written by AH in 1793. The subscribers are listed (in their own handwriting/signatures) as:

Mary Morris.—10 dollars Eliza Hamilton—20 dollars Th Cazenove—Ten dollars Susan Kean 5 Dols.

Unfortunately, John Kean died in 1795, and Susan became a widow. A few years after, AH offered her some financial advice in response to her request. It shows the closeness of the families (and again AH writes things that can be viewed as inappropriate when writing to his wife’s female relatives):

New York Jany 23. 1799

HONORED MADAM

How do you like, My dear friend, this mode of beginning my letter? Just as well, I presume, as I did the counterpart of it in your letter of the 18th instant, which reached me only yesterday. Are you now to be told that the more familiarly you treat me, the more you will gratify my friendship and regard for you?

You consult me on a subject about which I have less skill than you suppose & much less than many others. But whatever my advice may be worth it is at your command whenever you imagine it can be of use to you. You appear desirous of promptly knowing my opinion. According to my present lights, you will do well to invest the money you have, partly in the purchase of the Stock of the New York Insurance Company and partly in the proposed loan. I like different investments because it divides whatever of risk may be. Either of these objects will give you good interest for your money. The chance is that both will rise rather than fall in price. Both are in my apprehension safe.

Loans on real security give too little income with great trouble in the collection. And in times of great national calamity, which alone can endanger other securities, that of real property, we have seen, is not without its hazards. By watching the course of things, it is possible to anticipate dangers and to slip out of them. You ladies know better than anybody else how to make a good retreat from slippery and perilous ground.

Eliza and Angelica reciprocate the tender of affection. My friend Peter [Peter Philip James Kean, her 10-year-old son] must take care by becoming a very clever fellow to deserve success & ’tis many to one that he will then command it.

Adieu My Dear Madam

Here enters Julian Ursin Niemcewicz (1758–1841), former aide to Tadeusz Kosciuszko. Upon their release in 1796, Niemcewicz came to the U.S., eventually settling in Elizabethtown, NJ. He became the tutor of Peter P.J. Kean, and in 1800 married the mom, Susan L. Kean, but (was probably forced to) renounced any claim to her property. This is what Founders includes: “He visited Poland 1802–04 to settle his father’s estate. Never entirely comfortable in the United States, he parted amicably with his wife and her son in 1807, after the formation of the Grand Duchy of Warsaw, and returned to Europe for good.” 

If you want to keep going down the line, Peter P.J. Kean (1788-1828) eventually becomes owner of William Livingston’s Liberty Hall property (read more about that, Susan L. Kean renaming it Ursino after her second husband, and Kean University here). Peter married Sarah Sabina; one of their children was Julia Kean (1816-1887), who married Hamilton Fish (1808-1893), the son of Nicholas Fish. The Keans become a political dynasty in NY/NJ, continuing to intermarry in the old Dutch NY/NJ families and becoming senators, governors, and on and on. Currently, Tom Kean Jr is a Republican minority leader in the NJ Senate running for U.S. Congress. (Watch a campaign video if you doubt that they pronounce the surname as “Kane.”) And all from John Kean coming to NY, supported in part by money and connections from Peter Lavien, AH’s half-brother. Not that much different from AH’s own story.

Back to the main parties. Peter Lavien spent way less time with their mother, Rachel, than AH did. But were there other things about the past that he would have shared with someone like John Kean? Did AH and Kean talk about their sorta shared history? Did Kean provide him with more information about the Lavien family, or did that come from AH’s Lytton relatives or others? Did any of that information make its way to AH’s description of John Michael Lavien in the copy of his 1800 letter to William Jackson/James McHenry?:

A Dane [Lavien was neither Jewish nor Danish] a fortune-hunter of the name of Lavine came to Nevis bedizzened with gold, and paid his addresses to my mother then a handsome young woman having a snug fortune. In compliance with the wishes of her mother who was captivated by the glitter of the ..but against her own inclination she married Lavine. The marriage was unhappy and ended in a separation by divorce. .. But unluckily it turned out that the divorce was not absolute but qualified, and thence the second marriage was not lawful. Hence when my mother died the small property which she left went to my half brother Mr Lavine who lived in South Carolina and was for a time partner with Mr Kane. He is now dead.

AH is still spelling it Kane! (In fairness, AH also knew a James Kane, an Albany merchant, though unrelated to John Kean.) 

It shows how much knowledge was out there about AH and his past, which is why I’ve always side-eyed the “lying about his birth year” stuff and this narrative that AH was embarrassed about/tried to hide his background. Even if he did, it would have been impossible. There were connections everywhere. 

And BTW, 150 pounds sterling (British) is today the equivalent of about 24,000 pounds. It wasn’t a shabby sum that Peter Lavien left to his half-brothers. 

[lookslike-wemadeit]

Larry Stylinson vs. Haylor (Larry 2012)

2012 was a crazy year for both the band and for Larry.

They were openly living together and we have some of the best moments. They openly hung out with each other and things were pretty good.

January

27- Harry and Caroline Flack end things

27- The boys head to LA for their first US promo.

31- Louis says the most romantic thing he has ever done is cook a meal (you know)

They say they are each other's Valentine's

February

1- back to London

14- the one and only interview with just Harry and Louis

Later Harry is seen with a black ring.

Once they get home Harry goes out with Nick and Louis is supposedly with Eleanor

In an interview a few days later it is made clear by Harry he didn't want to go out with Nick.

16? The mario kart interview

21- The 2012 Brits: tipsy boys take the flirting and innuendo to new levels. Including Harry's getting head.

25-Beginning of American UAN promo

March

1 - On this day, Harry states that he and Louis cuddle on the tour bus.  Niall claims to be the spokesperson for their relationship and says they don’t want to talk about it.  Lastly, when discussing “lovebites” Harry just goes for it

2- a fan is giving Harry complements and Louis says all of him really

The cute “I love you” “I love you too” ft. Louis cute giggle in an interview.

3-6- a lot of flirting, fonding, and couple like interaction

7-First on-camera Haylor moment: Louis says they're "gutted" Taylor wasn't in town when Harry was asked if he was sad about that

8- Louis does a tweetcam he is on the phone with someone most think it was Harry and you can hear

Harry: you love me?

Louis: obviously

Harry: did you just say that on the twitcam?

Louis: yeah

8- more flirting, fonding, and couple like interaction

9- someone on Twitter asked Louis what he likes most about Harry and he answers his curls or his smell

9- some more flirting, fonding, and couple like interaction.

11- interviewer: When was the last time you kissed a girl, Harry?  Liam: When was the last time you liked it? Harry says "Yesterday" which was their day off.

11- Louis hold ups a hotel key card and says "Our room key"

11: Westfield Sunrise Mall singing; Harry & Louis seated together at the beginning of the signing…then they took a break and when they came back, Niall and Harry switch seats. It's obvious they had assigned seats when they came back from the signing; Niall even hands Harry his stuff when he sits down in his spot

12- "where do you want to sit?" Louis says "Next to you." Management "you can't sit together" Jizz jeans appear at the signing itself and Harry's giant yellow arm bruise Louis presses on.

12-Dan tweets "Look who we found looking after Louis and H's house…" with picture of Harry & Louis matching teddy bears; Jay retweets

13- this is the day of the sneaky arm touching interview, their are also a lot of pictures of Harry and Louis interacting and being cute

14 - Elvis Duran Morning Show: When it is stated that the boys are being very faithful to their girlfriends, Harry gets a big smile on his face and Louis leans forward to see his reaction.

14- more coulping

15- they are seen playing in central park together and hanging out around NYC

16- more couple interaction, plus love bites and bruies

17- "Harry, Harry, Harry, Hazza!" and "Are you and Louis dating" Harry nods

17- lots of could like interaction

18-23- time off

24- the first denial, Louis some people genuinely think that Harry and I are in a relationship

That day they were very cuddly, Harry looked out of it during a signing, and shirtless Harry gave Louis a boner.

25-27- continuing to be couply

27- When asked what they look for in a potential girlfriend, Harry says "Obviously, if you can hold a conversation with him, that kind of helps," and realizes what he says and looks a little confused/taken aback at his own error; The host then says "Yes, that's important, good for you for saying that."

31- Taylor and Harry first meet at the teen choice awards

April

5- Apparently, Taylor Swift and One Direction went to a pool party at Justin Bieber’s house.  Rumor has it Taylor and Harry switched numbers and began texting. Taylor also seemed to have told Justin she was interested in Harry.

6- an interview for VEVO with Harry is released

He talks about Larry saying “the fans call me and Louis Larry Stylinson because we get on really well.  Since we started at the X-factor house me and Louis said we wanted to move in together that is pretty it it just kinda happened” with afond look on his face.

6-super awkward interview where the boys are kind of forcing him to talk about Taylor. Louis looks obviously not happy about it at first and Harry is pressed right up against Louis

10 - One Direction are in Australia for the Oceania leg of their tour. And on a yacht ft a few cute pictures of Louis and Harry

16-Harry says he and Taylor exchanged numbers, but that they are just friends in an interview.

17-19- a lot of couple interaction

20 Harry had a 'date' with Emma Ostilly, where they kissed outside her house.

Harry was kissing Emma Ostilly (who had a boyfriend) and allegedly texted Taylor to tell her it was just a goodbye kiss between friends. Later Emma says that the pair are not dating and are just good friends. Also the next day Liam states that they aren't together as well.

-Also Gemma apparently said that the only reason they kissed was for the tabloids

-Also she was drunk and he drove her home and she was the one who kissed him

22 - Wellington - Harry whispers in Louis’ ear and it appears to give Louis a boner.  When Harry walks back over to his side of the couch, some people seem to think he is mouthing the words “cock up your ass” to Louis.

22 - The famous Wellington video took place after their show.  Louis is clearly drunk and appears to scream “boyfriend” at Harry, then possibly go in for a kiss.  Harry grabs him and spins him around so he can see the fans watching and filming them from across the street.

23 - Not surprisingly, the day after Louis and Harry were at their most obvious, it is announced they will no longer be living together

23- start of time off

May

7 - Louis and Harry eat just the two of them at Rosso Restaurant.  Confirmed by the restaurant.

10-15 - Sweden

20- beginning of the US lag of the tour

29- Harry, Louis & Eleanor are on a balcony in front of fans.  Louis kisses Eleanor and Harry seems visibly upset. Eleanor sends Louis to make sure Harry is ok.

30 - All of 1D go to Niagra Falls.  Louis and Eleanor are on one side of the boat and Harry is as far away as you can get on the other side.  He never hangs out with Louis when Eleanor is around.

31 – Second denial: Much music interview

June

2 – Mojo in the Morning Interview with Harry and Zayn: Zayn denies there is any secret homosexuality in the band.  Harry remains silent.

2 - Kissing on stage – Louis “forgets” where Harry’s ear is and covers both their mouths with his hand while “whispering.”  Also, Harry walks up and appears to give Louis a quick peck at one point in the evening.

16- Ed Sheeran did the show where he said Harry was "taken" and answered "innit?" when a fan said "By Louis."

27- Harry almost says boyfriend in an interview

Liam say the band is keeping a secret And then whispers it to Louis, who says he is involved in the secret (which implies, to me, that it’s not about the whole band.

29 -  Harry walks over to Louis and pulls him back to whisper in his ear what appears to be, “You were mine.”  At the very least, Louis’ reaction seems to confirm it was something similar to that.

July

21 - Harry posts a picture of Louis on Instagram titled “Hair cut time..” - This is the only picture of Louis (at least, of his face) that Harry ever posted on Instagram.

August

31- the boys start teasing Harry about Taylor again

September

5- are you good with your hands

6- VMAs

Harry and Louis sit next to each other

They share an intense hug when they won

6-One Direction reportedly watched Taylor’s final MTV VMAs rehearsal.  Afterwards Harry, Ed Sheeran, Taylor and some of her bandmates went to dinner at Katsuya restaurant in L.A.

8- When asked about celebrity crushes, Zayn whispers “Taylor” in Harry’s ear.

15 – Niall, Harry, Louis and (Eleanor?) attended James Corden’s wedding.

16- the BS tweet

16- Also the last day Taylor is seen with her boyfriend Conner Kennedy

29- Harry and Louis are talking and totally miss the interviewers question. The boys answer Louis and both Harry and Louis look confused

October

6 - One the Jonathan Ross Show, Taylor hints that she is seeing someone and that he is good-looking. (Which is interesting cause when Taylor and Harry were photographed in early December, it was reported that that was only their second date.)

7- 1D and Taylor perform at the BBC Radio1 Teen Awards.  They were spotted hanging out backstage

9? the interview where Louis says they spent their day “trying to walk” and talks about “the early bird gets the worm”.  Also, at the beginning Harry not-so-subtly hints that he and Louis still live together even though “officially” they do not.

Also, the “hands and knees for two days straight” moment took place on the very same day.

Harry and Louis were acting like boyfriends. Harry appeared to have a condom in his pocket. Louis made some cheeky innuendos. The boy clearly had one thing on his mind. Harry and Louis went MIA while Niall came back looking scared and confused. I’m not Sherlock or anything, but I think I can deduce the following: Niall walked in on Harry and Louis having sex. The end!

12 - One Direction is on the Late Late Show in Ireland and a lot happens:

Taylor is brought up, but Harry refuses to state that he is interested in her, dating her, talking to her, pretty much anything.

They are asked “Who is Larry Stylinson?” and Louis says, “Apparently, me and Harry are together and my girlfriend isn’t real.”  This was not exactly a denial.  It was a statement. The whole time Harry just sits there and grins, as per usual.

When Harry is asked if he is looking to settle down, Louis lets out a very ridiculous and obvious cough, and acts completely annoyed with the interviewer.  When the interviewer says the question was a valid point, Louis turns to Zayn and says, “No it wasn’t!”

17 - After Louis begins to get tattooed more regularly, Harry instagrams a picture of a couple tattoo he liked.

22- Louis’ charity match. Harry, Niall, Liam, Josh, Eleanor, the Teasdales and all of Louis’ family are present.

Harry hugs him and is a major cheerleader

They drove home together

23-26

Sooo… we all know, thanks to the awesome ashavahishta that Harry and Louis were most likely renovating their kitchen from October 23rd to October 26th 2012. Harry explained that he had red paint on his hair in an interview because he was painting his kitchen. Then we all found a picture of Louis’ kitchen/dining room and it had a red wall (Harry never actually moved in to his “new house” since we all know he was “couch surfing” for over a year and a half).

Louis also has red paint under on his finger nails

25 - It is reported Taylor and Connor Kennedy broke up.

30 - Livestream with Scott Mills:

The boys are asked, “If you could wish for anything money cannot buy, what would it be?”  Harry says, “Freedom... and love and peace.”

Reading off a question, Scott says, “Larry says...” and at the mention of Larry Niall looks surprised and then Liam starts laughing.

Harry tells a bad joke and then Louis accidentally calls him “baby.”  He says, “You tried, baby, but you failed.” All the boys look scared and off to where management is.

Louis sarcastically thanks Modest and the other boys look surprised.

31 - Louis goes out with Zayn for Halloween with face paint on.  Harry, reportedly, stays behind in the hotel.

November

1 - the next day Harry shows up with quite a bit of white face paint matted into his hair!

1- And then, to make things even more obvious, Louis decides to “jerk off” a plant while making eye contact with Harry.  A flustered Harry quickly looks away and then a disappointed Louis stops.

1- Louis also makes it clear the he and Harry are still living together.

7 - Taylor is photographed outside her London hotel carrying flowers and wearing that paper airplane necklace that Harry had on.

15 - Harry and Taylor hang out backstage at X Factor USA. There are conveniently no pics, just a few tweets.

17- They are papd really close together

19-they performed at the Royal Variety and met the Queen (when meeting the queen Louis couldn't help looking at Harry and they  were looking at each other during their performance of little things)

20- they were out together and took pictures with the same fan.

21- a girl tweets something rude about Larry shippers and a sexual comment about Harry and not long after Louis blocked the girl and tweeted haha.

27 - The interview with Barbara Walters is filmed. (It airs on December 12).  Harry is asked about his dating life and older women, then Barbara Walters hints at Taylor by asking if “older” was 23.  All Harry could muster up was a simple “yeah.”

But also during this interview she asks the boys if they all want to be married and have kids one day.  Louis and Harry look right at each other and then shyly look away when saying that yes, they have always wanted that

30 - Sony Music Indonesia Interview: Louis looks miserable the whole time.  The other boys notice. When asked what his favorite song on the album is he says, “I Loved You First” while looking at Harry, even though the song is actually titled “Loved You First.”

December

2 - Harry and Taylor go public and are photographed in Central Park together.  He didn’t look miserable, but they also displayed no PDA and did not look like a couple. This was 100% set up. Paparazzi don’t hang out in Central Park. But it doesn’t end there.  While getting into a car a fan asks Taylor if it is love and she says, “Yeah, looks that way!” Later that night they had dinner with Ed Sheeran as well as Harry’s mother and stepdad.

2- Louis and Eleanor go out in NYC and Louis looks dead inside

3-Louis and Eleanor take a stroll for the paparazzi looking very miserable. Louis looks like he could cry.

3- Madison square garden

3- that night Taylor attends their MSG after party. Then, Harry spends the night at Taylor’s hotel.

3- Eleanor helps guide a very disheveled and drunk Louis.

4 - Harry is papped leaving Taylor’s hotel the next morning.

4- Harry papped entering Taylor’s hotel again.

5 - Harry is seen leaving Taylor’s hotel once again. Looking like he could cry.

6 - Louis gets his small camera tattoo and looks dead inside. He also gets 4 small birds and a stereo heart

6 -Harry and Taylor attend Emma Stone’s birthday party.

7 - Harry is seen leaving Taylor’s hotel, yet again. Looking worse. Later that evening at Jingle Ball, Louis is interviewed about Taylor and Harry’s relationship.  He is asked if he is happy that they got together and Louis says, “I am happy they are good friends.”  Now, most people think he then says, “if that,” under his breath afterwards.

Harry is also asked about Taylor.  Leave it to Harry to always downplay their relationship. After the show Taylor and Harry took a private jet together to London.

8-The boys minus Harry head to the airport. Louis appears drunk and carries around an enormous stuffed lion that we suspect was purchased for him by Harry while he was out with Taylor at FAO Schwartz.

9- Boys go to Manchester to perform at the X Factor finale. Taylor and Eleanor tag along.

11-Harry out at a pub in Cheshire with Taylor and family

12 - Harry and Taylor go to the Lake District and feed some birds.  Later that evening they have dinner with Gemma, Harry’s sister.

13 - Taylor’s birthday.  Harry buys her 23 cupcakes and a purse.  He also takes her out for dinner.

14 - Harry drove Taylor to the airport so she could fly to Germany...

...Just in time for Harry to get to spend some quality time with Louis for his early birthday party  that Harry planned (possibly arrange around Harry’s schedule?) He and Louis even wore matching shirts (in different colors).

They invited Harry’s friends and family. To LOUIS’ birthday party. Yes, they are close coworkers, etc etc. But Zayn and Niall didn’t show up, nor did their friends and families.

They wore matching shirts.

Their moms took pictures together.

They planned it on a day 10 days before Louis’ actual birthday so that Harry could be there. Bonus points for it being the day after Taylor’s actual birthday and Taylor not getting an invite.

Jay supposedly planned it, but Harry’s friends from home ended up on the guest list.

Liam came to third wheel so that it wouldn’t look quite so crazy obvious when Niall and Zayn didn’t come.

None of Eleanor’s friends or family were there. Eleanor didn’t post pictures like Harry’s friends and family posted pictures. Eleanor barely existed at the party

18-Everybody arrives in LA. Harry immediately goes to the tattoo parlour to get a large ship done on his left arm. Taylor shows up and they go to her house afterwards.

19- Harry and Taylor papped together outside her house

19 - Less than 24 hours later Louis gets a compass tattoo by the same artist in a matching style. He, once again, looked overjoyed while at the tattoo shop.

19--Also Harry spends time with Taylor’s family in L.A.

20 - X Factor USA finale red carpet:

Harry is asked about Taylor. When the interviewer asks Harry what his thoughts on “Haylor” are Louis says, “I’d love to know!” Harry simply says, “I dunno.” Louis then follows this comment up with, “It is what it is!” (which he’d later get tattooed on his chest) and they look at each other and laugh. In the same interview Harry is questioned about his new ship tattoo and he says, “It’s just a boat.” In another interview on the red carpet he is asked if what he has with Taylor is a relationship and he says, “maybe, yeah.”

21 - Harry and Taylor go on a ski trip to Utah with Taylor’s family.

22 - Still on the ski trip.  Harry and Taylor have a snowmobile accident this day and Taylor’s song Out of the Woods is most likely about this.  Harry has to get stitches on his chin.

23 - Harry tweets about the accident.

24 - Harry returns home covering his chin, but a friend later posts a picture of his bandage.

24 - Louis' birthday!!! Harry finally shows up at Heathrow around 11am. Harry tweets about watching Lady and the Tramp. Later, Harry out partying in HC. Louis MIA but apparently not in Doncaster

25- a friend of Harry's tweets “last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day you said you were gay… Taylor Swift's next single.

31 - Harry is back in the U.S.  Taylor performs at Dick Clark’s Rockin New Year’s Eve, but instead of attending that to support his girlfriend, Harry goes to a Coldplay and Jay-Z He later meets up with Taylor just in time to watch the ball drop together and publicly be seen kissing. Harry then went and spent the night at her hotel again.

How did Louis spend his New Year’s Eve?  Drunk in a photo booth.

January 2013

3- Taylor and Harry are spotted and take pictures with fans in Gorda, British Virgin Islands.

4 - Harry breaks up with Taylor and she is spotted sitting on a boat, waiting to leave. Harry stays and looks pretty happy

5- Taylor tweets … 'til you put me down.

10 - Taylor went back into the studio on this day and recorded All You Had To Do Was Stay, reportedly about Harry.

Taylor also attends The People’s Choice Awards with what looks like a hickey under her boob. This is 8 days after the break up and that is a long time for a hickey to last… also  she showed it off on purpose, which is kind of disgusting.

12 - One Direction goes to Ghana for Red Nose Day. Harry and Louis run around, playing football/soccer and holding hands.

23- Liam, Harry, Niall and Louis at Arsenal football game w James Corden.

25 - Harry and Louis both spotted at Westfield, shopping and then at the movies.

31- Harry and Louis playing football w 5SOS

Just a few thoughts

The beginning of 2012 we have a lot of Larry being a couple.

Before Taylor, we have 4 attempts to deny Larry

The boys were growing in popularity, especially in the US.

Suddenly Harry and Louis are not allowed to have a much public interaction. Suddenly Harry "moves out" even though they both slip up constantly.

Louis was miserable the whole time Harry and Taylor were together. After the break up, he is back to normal.

[pbandjesse]

Im on the greyhound bus home. Were at w rest stop for a couple minutes. I'm looking forward to bring home. But man am I going to miss Jess. It was a really good visit.

I am a little distressed right bow because my temporary crown fell on like 20 minutes ago. Im starting to feel like this dentist office doesn't know what they are doing. Because it has literally been hurting all week and it falls out and all the pain disappeared. Seriously?? Im not pleased. I'll call in the morning but Im not happy.

But lets not focus on that. Today was a good, but diffeent then expected, day. I didnt sleep well. My back and kidney hurt really bad and I couldn't get comfortable. Eventually I did fall asleep. But i got woken up a bunch. It wasn't an easy night.

But we got up and got dressed. I finished packing. And we headed to breakfast. We were concerned Easter would effect the day a bunch,but it didn't. Not really.

We had a nice breakfast. And it was colder out then yesterday but it wasn't raining, so it wasn't so bad. We got the train and went to central park. The plan was to go to the Guggenheim but when we got there the line was around the block. We have no idea why. So we scrapped that plan. Instead we walked down the block and went to the Met insted.

And that was fun. Since they got rid of the oay what you want structure for everyone but NYC residents it wasnt so crowded. It was still busy but nothing like I've experienced in the past. I had a lot of fun finding pieces Jess matched. And we saw some enjoyable pieces. I had a good time. But that place is a maze. And I was getting tired.

So we headed back to her place, and grabbed my bags. I put on socks and she got another jacket. But of course when we got outside it was warmer. Ah well.

We got the couple trains to the port authority. And stopped for sandwiches across the street. After we ate we went to find my gate but I misread the board and ended up in the wrong space and then the person yelled at me. Not cool. But I got to the right one and had plenty of time to wait.

There was some drama. Because some guy didnt like that they were letting families with kids on first. And then there was older people woth priority tickets which made this lady freak out.

I was number 1 though so i got on after them with no issues. Got my seat and of course the yelly lady sat next to me. But then the tixket taker comes on the bus because he cant find her in the manifest. Because her ticket was for May 17th. Not April 21st. And she tries to say "they" did it wrong. And "they printed it that way!!!". Mind you she is screaming all of this. And saying they just got the month wrong. But the 17th and the 21st are differnt. So they made her get off the bus. Full house. If she had a better attitude they probably would have helped her bus she was nasty from the jump.

A much quieter woman is sitting next to me now. And its been an uneventful ride. Im to uncomfy to nap. But ive been enjoying my snacks and my podcast and watching the world go by. Having my crown fall out again was distreasing but im glad to not be hurting anymore.

We are running a but behind now. I think I'll be home around 9. I hope for earlier but well see. Im excited to see my bed. Ill see James tomorrow. But tonight it to be quiet and by myself.

Good night everyone. Sleep well. Be safe. Take care of your teeth!!

[queerhawkeyes]

I’m back from nyc! we took the bus at 7:45 yesterday morning out of the city, got to my house around 9, left in my uncle’s car a little before 10am, and got to NYC around 3pm. I am never going to complain about the size of my apartment again because the place we stayed at in brooklyn (my friend’s friend’s place) was super tiny. we hung out for a bit, went to a supposedly famous pizza place for dinner, and took the train into manhattan for the show. a couple notes. one, the theater had the nicest bathrooms of the entire trip (there were some gross rest stop bathrooms). two, the show was amazing. I’m not sure if anything can top seeing nanette for the first time, but I’ve also never been to a live show before and there was something really special about it. I’m looking forward to watching it again on netflix because there were some amazing bits. on the way back we saw some dogs fucking on the subway (their owner did not seem concerned or bothered by this) and then I got the worst night of sleep I’ve had in a while on the floor of a tiny bedroom. we left brooklyn this morning at 8am, got back to my house around 1:30, and then drove back to our city and now I’m at my apartment. 

all in all, the trip itself was nowhere near as stressful as the planning, but it’s not something I’m eager to do again anytime soon. I did get a cool mug though.

[spirit-shroud]

heeey there! how's your day so far? :D

god okay i had SUCH A DAY yesterday 

so like i got on a bus from my town to nyc at like 1 am bc i’m out visiting family for a month and its all cool and fine, i listened to some night vale, zoned out, wrote a vivid 250k slow burn self insert fanfic in my head, it was fun. i dont mind public transport all that much tbh it’s like, the pinnacle of shitty but there’s just something very. human about how uncomfortable it is. like. we really made Long Cars and stripped them completely of amenities and comfort. whack. so that was fine

and then i got like. into nyc. and i had to take like. a second bus to get to the right place in long island where i’d eventually be collected and all that. i, exhausted, sleepless, at 440 in the morning rolled up to the info desk w my second ticket like ‘HEY where do i go for this’ and the guy is just like ‘oh it’s terminal X’ and im just like ‘okay that says long island that seems legit, i’m not gonna fact check that.’ so i waited and read a little (started reading It Devours and let me tell u potato girl is my favourite and i have known her for roughly 9 pages. but thats a tangent) n checked my watch and was like ‘hey so it’s like. 540 and boarding was at 530.’ and walked up to the info desk to ask what was up, if the bus was late, etc. and he tells me that i need to be up three whole floors and across the building to be at the right terminal. so i’m just like ‘oh god, oh fuck’ and he just looks at me like ‘good luck’ and i just start like. Running towards the elevator

this nice lady with a stroller asked me if i was ok and i was like ‘no actually’ and we both took a moment in the elevator to do the stressful half-glance, half-sigh thing people do when they’re uncomfortable and in a bus station at 6am and life just sucks. it was a nice bit of solidarity, but far too shortlived. i got off the elevator and started running towards terminal Y with the last energy my legs have, because by this point i’d been awake for over 20 hours and i’m usually awake for like, 10. i arrive, and stop a guy who looked like he worked there like ‘hey uhhh is this bus still here’ and he said. something that sounded like a terminal number but i like. can’t hear. idk what it is about port authority but it has like. anti-hearing magic set up at every point in the station. and so i went out just like ‘oh. it’s. not here.’ and had a panic attack for like five minutes and angrily texted some people before just being like ‘yeah whatever this might as well be happening’ and figuring out what i’d do next. 

so then the guy i stopped earlier was just like ‘hey im the driver actually you’re like the only person going to LI this way so let’s head off’ and i’m probably looking at this guy with an expression between Deep Suspicion and Genuine Reverence, if you can imagine. he takes my ticket, i get on. we get sorted out where i’m being dropped off and everything and i’m just like ‘hey ykno this feels a little weird. this is surreal. this isn’t how things normally roll’ so my instinct was to like... bring up the route on gps, keep my keys between my fingers and made sure i wasn’t listening to anything just so i was like. 100% alert. i had my bags around me in such a way i could push out the emergency window and roll the fuck away if needed. i kept constant correspondence with some people in my discord just so if i stopped responding they’d know something potentially went awry. i was prepared. i was paranoid and exhausted and frankly in far too much post-public transport haze to be dealing with anything that was happening. the world was upsetting. new york city is just as full of pigeons as i remember, and long island is really nice this time of year, even if it went up to 111 F today. 

but i did not get murdered nor taken on some very strange route, in fact, the driver was very nice and understanding that i was frazzled as hell because that is the default state of Bus, and i was collected up by my family. we got a bagel and coffee and then i passed out for like five hours and it was fantastic 

and today was otherwise nice, like, post-nap we just kinda hung out w our parent in laws and ate pizza and got into arguments about politics and it went well. and now i’m supposed to be sleeping because these guys get up at like, the crack of dawn, but instead i’m watching anime kjsdfhgljkdhfjgksdf i think we’re going to the beach today 

so yeah! i went on An Adventure! too much of one. but, it just be like that sometimes. i hope your day has been far less befrazzling

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[tataeyo]

9/30/19 – NYC

I'm on the flight back from NYC. I admit that my original intent for the trip was more for self-actualization than anything else. I wanted to see what it'll be like to travel by myself and be the sole decision maker. On the plane ride there, I reflected on how I've really forgotten to include the one I'm supposed to be dating on this trip. I've lost touch with the idea that I'm dating Jesus right now, I didn't think about what going on this trip could mean for our relationship. So going in, I felt a bit convicted that I need to make this trip more about God. And to be honest, I think I still defaulted in doing the things I wanted to do. I found time to read the Word and sit and think, but I didn't spend time with God in a way that I remembered spending time with Him when I first started this one year commitment. Freedom to be 

Freedom of being on your own  How to soak in the joys of knowing that you're free from other's approval (?), Not as a response to that, but rather the joys of sitting in that reality -- (being filled vs. overflow) Being filled is less action, but more mindset? The feeling of lightness and freedom An observation that I did notice was how freeing it felt like to be able to make my own decisions. For example, I went to the Whitney with Hilary today and I had to be mindful of where she was in the museum so we didn't get separated or if she was ready to leave one of the viewing rooms. Versus when I went to The Met yesterday, I was able to wander around freely without having to care about the needs of other people. I'm surprised how enjoyable that was. Being the sole decision maker, I found myself doing more spontaneous things and had more confidence in what I wanted to do because it was my choice. Now I don't know if I can link this back to God in many ways...it almost feels like I found out how nice it is to be able to be selfish and do things at your own pace without having to worry about other people. If I had to try to connect this observation with God, He does offer a freedom from other people's approval. But another question, where is the line of between being free from other's approval and just being straight up inconsiderate and unloving because of your selfishness? Playing (unaware) under His presence Also wonder, is it so bad that I didn't feel like the whole trip was God saturated? I felt like there were some good God moments here and there, but I would be lying if I said this trip made me fall in love with God in a whole new way. Why do I feel guilty for coming out of this trip having an enjoyable time when God wasn't explicitly at the forefront of my thoughts? Is it the same question to ask, is it ok to have fun without God? Though, it's not like God wasn't there. So maybe the question is, is it ok to enjoy life unaware of His presence? Hmm I just got the image of a little blonde toddler at the playground, having so much fun that she kinda forgets about her parents watching from the side. And I don't think the parents are upset that she isn't constantly looking at them, but instead, the parents are just happy to watch their child explore and have fun. They're glad that she feels safe to play and in the times that she glances to make sure they're still there, they are happy to give her a reassuring nod and smile. I think that's how God viewed my time at NYC. (Dang, thanks God) I think He enjoyed watching me enjoy myself and learn new things about myself in New York and was happy to see me lift my eyes to Him every so often. (Might be interesting to see how I can relate this mindset to my relationships. When loved ones have fun, how can I enjoy the fact that they're enjoying themselves vs. feeling upset that they're not enjoying it explicitly with me) God is happy to see me enjoy Him through His creation (the weather, the park). He's happy to see me feel good about being by myself and not feeling like I need others to make things enjoyable or meaningful. Memories I think I rate an experience's meaningfulness based on whether or not it was shared. Three levels: 1) Shared experience, something done together 2) Experience shared secondhand via word of mouth or digitally (talking, messaging, ig story, etc) 3) Unshared experience With this ranking, things experienced by myself instantly is not as valuable or meaningful as things done with other people. There's a part of it that it seems like an experience isn't valuable unless it's shared either in person or digitally --> it doesn't matter unless someone knows about it. Lie: Your value comes from people and they see value in your experiences so you got to make them known (enneagram 3 with a hint of 7?) Of course I feel like the ideal would be, the experience is meaningful simply because it was meaningful to you, void of what other's think. But I don't think I'm there yet. Having been to NYC a few times, never alone, there's a lot of places where I have memories linked to them. The people and the place. And the intent here wasn't to replace those old memory with new ones of just me, but it made me think that these places are so tied to certain people. And I was thinking, do I have those types of memories with God. Ones from Hong Kong when I was so alone came to mind, sitting on the bed crying, sitting at the park praying and spacing out. And a new one from this trip, laying on a rock at Central Park rethinking about the time in Hong Kong where I would spend time with God outside the Kowloon Tong MTR station park. And if I still ascribe my current experience value ratings to these experiences, I shared a lot of experiences with God on this trip. Wouldn't that count as super meaningful then? 

[kinetic-elaboration]

September 1: Vegas Notes

Okay, I’m going to try to write up some notes on my vacation, mostly just the straight events of what I did and when, because I don’t want to forget anything but I also don’t want to spend five hours writing this. Plus I wrote down some emotional impressions yesterday and during the trip itself.

 Wednesday

Mostly a traveling day, but because the time change worked very much in my favor, also sort of a ‘first’ day in Vegas itself. I left my apartment at about 7:30 and flew out of Richmond at about 9:03. The Richmond airport isn’t large and I’ve flown out of it before so that was quite easy. Just had time for a chai tea latte before I headed off. I know it’s weird to be this person but I actually really like air travel, and at this point I’m even inured to stuff going wrong, so I was having a good old time even then. Even though the aisles are very narrow and the seats are small. My flights weren’t too long anyway. And for ONCE everything was even better than on time. Three of my four flights arrived early and so did my mom’s, and even my last flight, which left 20 minutes late, only arrived 5 minutes late, which is to say it was also ‘early’ except for the delay in take-off.

Anyway my first flight was to Charlotte and only about an hour, and then in Charlotte I had, like, NO TIME (from talking to a co-worker who’s also going West through CLT and from looking around online, I’ve gotten the impression American does this a lot, gives people a 45 minute layover in Charlotte), but the two gates weren’t too far from each other—farther than I’d though they would be because I had to go from C to B and my gate at B was all the way at the end—and I got in early. So I rushed but didn’t run, got there with ten minutes to boarding, and still had time to use the restroom and wait around for 10-15 minutes before my group actually boarded. So in fact it worked out well.

My second flight was almost 4 hours, which I didn’t think would be long, but it kind of was. They showed Avengers: Endgame and although at first I was just watching and listening to my own music, after a little bit, I decided to plug in and listen because I thought it would make the time go faster to actually watch a narrative. And luckily that monster is 3 hours long so that was most of the flight. I was also starving by this time, so I did in fact get an expensive sandwich on the plane, the eating of which also took up time.

I got in early, at about 1pm, but I had to wait for my mom to get in a couple hours later. I flew into D gate and it took me about an hour of wandering around just to figure out that D was a little satellite collection of stores, gates, and Starbucks, and I needed to take a shuttle to the gates where my mom would be. Once I did that, I saw her flight was early and I had less than two hours of waiting left. So I found a Starbucks with a seating area (there were only A BILLION of them, a fucking Starbucks in every aisle, more Starbucks than DC even) and had a coffee and a yogurt parfait and wrote a bit, which was fine, even though Starbucks is overrated (literally just sugar ice water after five minutes????? Why??????????????? Why is this $500 I could make this myself?). Then I went to my mom’s gate, which was in a nice place with a good view, and read and listened to music until she arrived.

We found the taxi stand, got one right away, and drove to our hotel. It is SO CLOSE. I guess because you can only carve out so much space in the desert. And literally it’s like desert all around and then Vegas, that’s it, a big entertainment center in the middle of nowhere. The landscape was gorgeous and actually the whole time I was traveling across the country I felt very… moved. And then getting into Vegas itself is bizarre because it’s literally a few very famous, very large building just rising up out of nothing.

Anyway, I agonized a lot about hotels but ended up going with an off-strip, non-resort hotel and this was a very good choice. I was pleased. For the same base price as a resort, and without resort or wi-fi fees, we got a whole fucking suite, almost as big as my apartment, with a living room, kitchen, large closet, bathroom with two doors, etc. Plus a fridge and a microwave and a dishwasher and all that. It felt like being at home right away. We spent a couple hours there, catching up, and then went out to eat at about 7 or so. We’re night people and so this felt, for us, like the sort of ‘late’ dinner we naturally want to have but know we shouldn’t—for us, a 10:30 dinner, but in reality, because of the time difference, a normal person hour dinner. Our hotel was right across from Planet Hollywood, so that was our base. I must say I also liked it right away. The fake buildings and fake sky. Even the mall part spoke to me in a strange way given that usually I find malls very stressful. We ended up eating at an Italian restaurant, which seated us in the fake outside part. The food was great, and the salad was probably the best I’ve ever had in my life. After that, we walked around a little and got our bearings, and then went home, showered, got ready for bed. I was exhausted, which was a great feeling: in my head, it was 1 am, and I’d been up since 6, so obviously I was tired, but the clock only said 10, so I felt very responsible. (It was more like 11 by the time I actually went to sleep but still.)

 Thursday

Got up at 7 all on my own, which also felt great—of course it was 10 am in my brain. Life hack for night owls: travel west! We didn’t actually leave until about 9 though, and then we had a big breakfast/brunch at the Café Hollywood in PH, where our server very nicely let us substitute like half the menu for the breakfast we wanted. They also gave me honey with my tea, which, even though I don’t like honey, was an unexpected gesture that rather tickled me. We wandered the resort some more, looked at stores and so on, then went back to the hotel. We were planning on going to the pool but it was in the sun at the time, so we rested for an hour, and then went out and floated for a time. It felt very surreal to me to be floating in a pool in Las Vegas. Just lovely.

After the pool and quick showers, we went out to dinner, at a Mexican place, which I liked although it was a lot of food—I had an appetizer and it was way more than I could eat. Then back to the hotel to rest a little. By this time, we were starting to feel that fatigue that comes with allowing oneself any time to think while traveling. Then my friend B randomly texted me, and I got into a conversation with him, which was hilarious as he did not know I was in Vegas. Very fun to answer a question “how are you” with “I’m in las vegas.”

After that was the show, from which we crawled home at maybe 11, and I guess I must have been awake for some amount of time after but I have no recollection.

 Friday

We had breakfast at the Café Hollywood again and then did some souvenir shopping. Dropped our stuff off at the hotel, and then went out adventuring. Basically I mean walking down the strip. We had lunch at the Hard Rock Café, where I had the best strawberry basil lemonade ever, and then walked down to NYNY Casino. Walked through the Park, with the metal trees, and into the casino itself, which was absolutely the most surreal thing. Like… the fake buildings do not look or feel like NYC but what do they feel like? A movie set, kinda… a stage… an adult Disney World… so fake and yet so pleasing. Street signs with famous street names just placed next to each other randomly, Greenwich next to Broadway and Broadway does not look like Broadway... and then in the middle of it all, a casino just like BAM out of nowhere. I liked it a lot but I’m not sad I didn’t stay there. I liked having my little home to come back to.

We wanted to see what the Paris one looked like, to compare, plus it was on our way back, but at this point walking back through the hottest part of the day was just…exhausting. We stopped in briefly in the Cosmopolitan just to cool down—it was very black and shiny and full of crystals. Paris itself was underwhelming; it didn’t feel like Paris, obviously, but it also didn’t feel like a Paris replica either. Maybe the comparatively interesting parts were just somewhere else, we seemed to basically be in the casino, but we were tired, so we just left and headed to the hotel at this point. We walked through PH first and I got a maple ice latte, yogurt, and banana muffin, all delicious.

After some rest, we went out again for dinner, even though we weren’t really hungry, but neither were we not hungry. For me at least, I felt like I should eat, more than that I wanted to eat. If/when I do Vegas again, I’ll do two meals a day—it works out much better. Mostly what I wanted was a huge bowl of berries tbh. I ended up with a spinach and berry salad, which was almost the same. We went outside to watch the Bellagio fountain show from the steps of PH. I kind of wanted to be closer but the streets in Vegas are so wide and we would have had to cross two to get there, and we didn’t know if we would make it. But our view was okay regardless. We also saw several groups of showgirls walking across the street, some of them in sparkly sneakers, which was adorable.

We got back to the hotel just past 9, when most people’s Friday night was just beginning. We went back to the pool, to experience it after dark, which was weird but also very relaxing. At some points, we were the only ones there. I floated for a bit with my eyes closed and felt the most peaceful I have felt in years.

At quarter to ten, we went back upstairs to shower and pack. It was sort of a let down but also I just couldn’t think about it. I didn’t want to leave and there were things I hadn’t done that I had wanted to do but I also felt like I would need at least 2 more days to do them, because if I stayed another day I wouldn’t leave the hotel except possibly to float in the pool, I was just too exhausted. We had to get up at 4:30 for my flight, and we both got to sleep fairly late, and I at least did not sleep well at all. I kept having nightmares, none of which I can remember, and randomly waking up.

 Saturday

My memories of the morning are very hazy… I had to get dressed, pack a few last minute things, stuff a granola bar in my mouth to say that I had eaten. Our taxi came up very fast after the hotel called it—literally, I was still rolling my suitcase down the incline when it was parking at the steps. And the drive to the airport was short. My mom and I said goodbye outside of security, and then I had to take a shuttle to my gates because I was, again, leaving at D. But I found everything okay and had plenty of time.

On the way back, I had a not-quite-three hour flight to Dallas first, and then a not-quite-three-hour trip to Richmond, with a 2.5 hour layover in between. So I lost two hours, and then another hour. The flights were both fine, and the layover was quite easy because the Dallas airport is very nice. A lot of signs and gigantic touchscreen information kiosk things, which told me where all the food was. So I knew right away that if I headed toward my gate, I would run into a French café first (where I had a delicious pesto pasta and chicken dish) and then a Dunkin Donuts (for some a GOOD latte and a donut, to go), and then to my gate, where I settled down with my magazine and coffee. By the time I was done it was almost time to board. We ended up sitting around for a while longer than I had wanted, and the plane got quite hot and stuffy, but once we were in the air, it was fine. I listened to music and read my magazine, and finished the article just as we were landing. My co-worker picked me up outside and drove me home, and I got back around 7 I think.

Today I have truly just been sleeping and thinking about the trip. I haven’t event unpacked yet. I’m so glad I have tomorrow off, too, because I truly couldn’t stand to go to work tomorrow, but I do think, perhaps too optimistically, that I will feel normal, or mostly normal, tomorrow.

I already miss this vacation so much but I’m so glad I went, it was honestly just about perfect, and I do feel refreshed, as a vacation should make one feel.

[weljbf38-blog]

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