#i wish people stopped thinking of me as childish but i dont want the ones thinking of me as mature to keep thinking like that

[iqmmir]

I xcant sleep have i seriously been cursed to simply suffer forever

[4unnyr0se]

Hi love your writing!! I havent touched HQ in 3 years but Im starting to love old characters I use to fall in love with like Asahi, Oikawa, Bokuto etc,,, so as my first req, could you pls write fem! Reader x Bokuto fluff in HS?

Like Bokuto trying to court the reader. How would that go? And how did he finally ask us out?

Feel free to ignore this if you dont like the idea! Ty for ur time 🤍❤️🤍

❥ young love at fukurodani | kotaro bokuto

warnings: none that i can think of. this is pure fluff

MDNI | No 18+ content, I just don't want minors interacting with my blog

word count -> 1.6k

okay so aaaa this didn't rlly follow the ask bc all he does is ask reader to tutor him and then cute stuff happens but i can make a hc of it probably tonight or tomorrow?? also i wrote this when i was having tummy issues so im very sorry if its horrible. i love u!

got a request? my asks are open!

Bokuto wasn’t one to get embarrassed that easily. Sure, he did embarrassing things but didn’t know they were embarrassing. They were part of his boyish charm, which people loved about him…right? Of course, they did. He was Kotaro Bokuto. He was Fukurodani’s ace, and the people loved him for it. So why, if he was so confident, did he get awkward and embarrassed around you, his pretty classmate?

Saying you were gorgeous was an understatement. He couldn’t find the right words to describe you to his friends, mainly Akaashi. “She’s just like, y’know? And I’m like, oh damn! She’s cute as fuck!” Boktuo would make various gestures with his hands as he and Akaashi sat on the steps leading to the gym, sipping cola from the vending machine. “What do I do, Akaashi? She’s so pretty, and I’m pretty too! The only problem is that everyone else in our year thinks so, too…do I even have a shot?”

Akaashi would offer him a pitiful smile, rubbing his back in assurance. “Well, isn’t she one of the smartest in our year?”

“Yeah, smart and pretty. She’s so fucking perfect, I wish you could see her.” he pouted.

“Well, the answer is simple,” Akaashi said, standing up and stretching his arms above his head. Ask her for help with homework; god knows you need it.”

“Hey! I got a 41 on my chemistry test!” Bokuto yelled at Akaashi as the setter entered the gym. But he did have a point, like always. Bokuto decided then and there that he would ask you to tutor him tomorrow, no matter how anxious he was. Anxiety was for suckers anyway.

“Hey, wait up!” Bokuto ran after you as you exited your classroom, papers flying out of his messy bookbag that was riddled with stains from only God knows what. “I gotta ask you a question!”

You stopped walking and turned your heel, raising an eyebrow as the Fukurodani captain barreled towards you. “Hey, what’s up, Bokuto? How’s volleyball going? Are we headed to nationals?” you asked, placing a hand on your hip. God, even the way you held yourself was perfect. Were you an actual goddess, or was Bokuto just lovestruck?

Bokuto finally caught up to you, leaning against the hallway walls in an attempt to appear suave and put-together. His messy uniform didn’t help his cause, but he forgot to look neat today. And every day after that. “Uh, I was wondering if you understood what we were assigned in English yesterday? I don’t understand any of it to save my skin, hah,” He rubbed the back of his neck, looking down at his shoes. “Did you get what our teacher was saying?”

“Yeah, it was really simple. Just basic grammar and syntax structures. Was it complicated for you?” you tilted your head to the side.

“I don’t really get it. Wanna tutor me at my house today? I can get you snacks!” he offered you a crooked smile, leaning forward so his golden eyes peered into yours. “C’mon, please? The coach will kick my ass if I don’t get my grades up, and I have a game next week! Pretty please?” he folded his hands in prayer, his bottom lip in a childish pout.

You smiled and nodded, grabbing him off the wall. Bokuto blushed at the sudden contact, noticing how neat you kept your fingernails compared to his own. Yours were neatly polished to perfection while he bit his nails almost constantly, and being a wing spiker didn’t come with having good-looking nails. 

“Where’s your house? Is it walking distance?” you let go of his hand, much to Bokuto’s dismay. 

“Yeah, it’s about five minutes from here. Wanna stop at a convenience store on the way? I’m really hungry.” he rubbed his stomach as you two walked out the nearest exit, your messenger bag dangling over your shoulder. 

“Only if you’re paying,” you joked, rubbing his shoulder. Bokuto could have sworn his heart stopped right then and there. Were you actually flirting with him, or were you just really touchy? Either way, it was a win in his book. 

“Sure, I don’t mind. Anything for a pretty girl like yo-” Bokuto stopped his sentence, smacking his hand over his mouth. “I-I mean, why wouldn’t I mind? I’m a captain, after all. It’s my job to provide for my teammates!”

“But I’m not on any sports teams. I’m not your teammate.” you deadpanned, 

“You know what I mean!” Bokuto whined, wiping his forehead of the sweat that was slowly starting to gather. “Damn, it’s a hot one today. Why won’t they let the guys wear shorts? Do they want us to die of heat stroke or something?”

“I honestly have no idea,” you sighed, walking under the shade of the convenience store roof. “Wait a minute,” you instructed, placing your messenger bag on the hot pavement. You shrugged off your school blazer and wrapped it around your waist tightly in an attempt to cool you off. You also rolled up the sleeves of your white blouse, loosening your collar. “Sorry, I’m just really warm. At least we get to wear skirts, right?” you offered him a lopsided smile.

Bokuto’s heart pounded in his chest. “Uh, yeah, you girls are so lucky. Wearing skirts must feel awesome.”

“It’s awesome until you catch someone trying to look it up,” you mumbled in annoyance, hoisting your bag over your shoulders. 

“What the actual fuck? Who was it? I’ll murder them! I'll text Konoha too; he’ll definitely want in on it,” Bokuto clenched his fists together, walking into the store with you. “I’m sorry that happened to you, honestly.

You shrugged your shoulder and rummaged through the ice cream pin, choosing a passionfruit-flavored ice bar. “It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I barely know you, anyways.”

“That doesn’t mean that I can’t protect you from jerks like that guy,” Bokuto angrily shoved his hands in his pockets, tapping his foot on the tile. He fished about 400 yen out of his pocket and handed it to the cashier, ushering you out of the shop as quickly as possible. 

“What was that for?” you asked, unwrapping the popsicle. 

“I didn’t like how he looked at you, that’s all.” Bokuto huffed. He made grabby motions for your bookbag, which you handed to him with a confused look on your features. “Let me carry that, please. You’re too pretty to carry heavy stuff around like that all day.”

You paused your walk and stared at Bokuto, blushing softly. “You think I’m pretty?” 

Bokuto slowly nodded and gave you a crooked smile, blushing in turn. “Yeah, I really do. I was afraid to tell you before, but now I’m all fired up. I wanna protect you from creeps, y’know?”

You popped the ice treat out of your mouth and stepped forward, smiling softly. “We barely know each other, and you want to keep me safe? We haven’t even hung out once.”

“We’re heading to my house right now, aren’t we?” Bokuto shrugged, his blush not fading. 

You chuckled and took another step forward, the tips of your noses brushing against each other. “Yeah, I guess we are,” you whispered, your lips dangerously close to his own. “You know, I always thought you were kind of cute. In the athletic kind of way, I suppose.”

Bokuto dropped the bags he held onto the hot concrete beneath you, praying they wouldn’t roll down the hill you were standing on. You two were in a remote location, and the tension was thick. “You think I’m cute?” he tilted his head to the side, his eyelids dropping halfway. 

“Mhm,” you purred, your popsicle dripping from the intense heat. “Super cute.”

“Fuck,” Bokuto’s hands hovered above your waist, unsure of what you wanted him to do. “Uh, is it okay if I kiss you? Please, cutie?” he quietly pleaded, your lips basically touching at this point. 

You smiled and nodded, holding your melting popsicle behind your back. “Mhm, it’s okay.”

Bokuto smiled as his lips interlocked with yours for a minute, savoring the sweet passionfruit flavor that coated them. His hands squeezed your waist childishly, never wanting this moment between the two of you to end. This kiss was exactly how he dreamed it would be, soft and perfect. Just like you.

You pulled away after a bit and giggled, your popsicle having since fallen onto the heated pavement. Your sticky hands cupped his face, the pads of your thumbs running over his defined cheekbones. “You’re a good kisser,” you pecked his forehead bravely. “Like, a really good kisser.”

“Same to you, cutie,” his hands left your waist, choosing to instead secure your wrists. “You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do that. So. Fucking. Long.”

 A chuckle escaped your lips as your hands fell to your waist again, intertwining your fingers with Bokuto’s. You had never notified it before, but he was much bigger than you. It made you feel safe and secure. Protected. “We should probably get to your house to study, shouldn’t we?” 

“Aw, I was having so much fun kissing you on the sidewalk!” Bokuto pretended to whine, kicking a loose pebble that was in his way. He easily picked up the bags with his spare hand and tossed them over his broad shoulder. 

“Tell you what,” you squeezed his hand. “For every question you get right, I’ll give you a kiss. Does that sound like a fair deal?”

“Hell yeah, it does!” Bokuto kissed you on the cheek in excitement. He practically skipped to his house with you in tow, excited for what the rest of the day would have in store.

[iouinotes]

Show-off | Mike Ross

pairing: Mike Ross x female!reader

show: Suits

genre: smut word count: 2,9k

summary: you and your co-worker Mike dont get along very well. But when you have something that he needs, suddenly everything is different.

a/n: Just watched the first two episodes of "Suits" and something about Mike is really attractive-

Working in a well-known office as a lawyer has it's advantages. Such as being respected by business people or being able to afford a lot of things, you spend all your evenings analyzing documents rather than meeting actual people.

Nevertheless, sometimes there are also negative factors. For example, my co-worker Mike, who really believes, that he is with his ridiculously skinny tie and sarcastic humor better than the others. Or right now, better than me.

"God, I cant believe you. Can you behave for once?" I use my fingers to push my hair back in frustration, noticing how my head starts to hurt. Its 10 pm and I'm currently trying to stay calm, though because of one man in particular, my nerves seem to be getting thinner within seconds. Valuable time is wasted that I could spend somewhere else instead of with him.

"Now it's my fault, that you don't have the documents with you? Sorry, I can't help you being organized in your own workplace." His voice irritates me. Everything about him is so frustrating.

"I told you, I didnt get the message! How am I supposed to know, that you need something, when you don't tell me anything about it? Maybe you should stop being so childish and ask me in the first place, instead of running to Rachel!" If our job had nothing to do with justice and we werent literally standing in a law company right now, I would kill him. And then I wouldn't hesitate to go to court and say it was self-defense, because I didnt want to hear any of his miserable excuses anymore.

"So what do you think, I should do? I need these documents for tomorrow. Please, I know you don't like me, but it is really urgent." Why does he has such blue eyes? The look he is going me is even more irritating than his voice.

I sign, exhibit my laptop and try to put the pens back, that are laying all over my desk.

"Okay, fine. As I said, the documents are at home, so-" I don´t even get to finish my sentence.

"Great, so I'll meet you there. And I wont even tell anyone, if your place is a mess." His eyes wander over my messy desk, and even If I don´t like to admit it, it's a bad habit of mine. But, he shouldn't make any assumptions about the neatness in my apartment.

"I hope you loose the documents on your way home." At my words, he grins smugly.

"Well, then I could lie and say you didnt found them anymore and I hadnt had the chance to go through them." He leans towards me.

"I'll run you over with my car." He raises his eyebrows at my threat.

"You sure should do something that makes you smile more often. Is that even something you know how to do?" I show him my middle finger and turn to left my office. When I close the door, I hear the laughter in his voice.

"The next storm should be named after you as quickly as you left the room." He follows after me.

"Can you shut up for once? Oh, I forgot. You don´t last one second being silent. Thats a shame, the world could finally heal." His hand rests on his heart, his features fake a hurt expression.

"Ouch. You really don´t like me that much, huh?" His eyes try to search mine.

"You get on my nerves on purpose every fucking day. Should I thank you for that?" I turn my head to look at him.

"Yes, you should. Your life would be so boring without me." He grins at me again from the side, that typical grimace that is always adorn on his face.

"You wish." When I tell him my address, he raises his eyebrows, but before he can make an unfavorable comment, I get into my car.

Darkness surrounds me and when I see him going away, I lower my head to the steering wheel. He really is the best at confusing my emotions.

~~~~~

I turn off the lights of my car and get out of it, so I can finally make my way to my flat. Its not something special, I mean I have a living room, which is quite big and connected to the kitchen, a bedroom and a bath. But I am very lucky, because I have a small balcony, from which I can watch the stars at night. But I usually only do that when I can't sleep.

So, when I enter my apartment, I let my eyes wander over the manageable mess, I put some clothes back in the closet and the dishes in the washing machine. The place almost looks decent, when I hear the doorbell.

As I open the door, I'm nervous for some reason. I let him in and turn to my office drawers, looking for the document.

"Nice place. You live here alone?" His fingers trace my bookshelf, I see him reading the titles.

"No, my wife is still at work." When I look at him dead serious, I see him laugh in surprise.

"So, you do have humor. I thought, you were one of those exceptions that wouldn't be able to do that." He means it as a joke, but something in my chest hurts.

When I reply with a monotonous voice, I see his eyebrows pull together. "I live here alone. That's what you wanted to hear?" I'm getting more frustrated again with every second he's around me.

"No- I didnt mean it that way. I'm sorry. My intentions were good, I promise." When I look at him for a moment, I see his honest expression.

It would be so easier for me to hate him, if I didnt know, he was a good human. Well, most of the time.

We are silent for a moment, but when I hear his footsteps, I tense up.

"What are you doing?" He's now standing right next to me.

"Helping you. You seem a little, tense?" I glare at him for a moment and he raises his hands in defense.

"Just pointed out the obvious. But dont worry. You still look lovely." I stop in my movements at his words.

"Thats such shock for you?" His voice shows surprise and a certain curiosity.

"Only that you say it." I look into his eyes.

"Well, you may think I'm dumb, but I'm not blind."

He just called me beautiful, sort of. It´s confusing me.

When I finally find the documents, I hold my hand out to him.

"I don´t think you are dumb. I think you're annoying. And a show-off. I don´t like that." His eyes follow me.

"What do you like then?" His question surprises me. He slowly takes the documents out of my hand, his finger gently brushing mine.

"I don´t think that is any of your business." I try to clear my voice. His touch makes me shiver.

"Come on, tell me. Would that be so bad?" His whole presence is making me nervous and I feel my hands start to shake.

At work, I can always hide behind a mask, pretend that nothing he does affects me. I can act like I truly hate him, even though I catch myself looking at him, from time to time. Especially when he shows off his intelligence without realizing it, impresses his clients and -I would never admit it- me too. It's a certain charm about him, the way he always knows how to answer, while being mischievous and clever about it.

But now, that he's in my apartment and so close to me, it's suddenly different. And I don't know how to react to him being nice.

"I look for someone who isnt afraid of commitment. Someone who is honest and kind, but who also challenges me. I want to feel safe, so I can put my trust not only in myself."

He nods and is quiet for a moment, I begin to feel stupid for telling him all of that, when he responds.

"I get that. Someone whose shoulder you can lean on when things get too much. Someone who meets your needs, who wants to be in your life. For longer than a one-night stand." He smiles at me and I see for the first time, why I possibly could like him.

"Also, statistics show higher rates of being robbed or kidnapped, when you have one-night stands." This remark almost makes me laugh, even though it's frightening.

"Well, who would even notice, if I would disappear? Probably only my clients, because they need me." I lower my head, being completely honest with him for the first time.

"I would notice."

When I look at him, he takes a step towards me. His fingers gently slide over my shoulder and brush my hair aside, the touch makes a warm feeling bloom in my chest.

"I couldn't annoy you anymore. My life would be pretty boring without you. And it's not so bad to be able to look at such a pretty face every day, even if it always looks at me annoyed, like all the time." I quietly laugh at that, feeling surprisingly good because of his compliment.

We look at each other, now being really close. My eyes travel to his lips and I don´t even know how it happens, but suddenly he is all over me. His lips on mine, his hands on my waist, lifting me up to sit me on the desk. I moan softly when his hands tangle in my hair and he pushes himself closer to me, so that he's standing between my legs. One of his hands gently wraps around my neck and I feel my loud pulse.

My hands move too, stroking his back and holding him closer to me by his tie. As he pulls his lips away from me, he lifts my chin with his finger. Now, looking down at me with widen pupils. I hold his eye contact, forgetting all about my issues with him, when he speaks to me with a deep voice (which I suddenly don´t think sounds irritating anymore).

"Be angry at me tomorrow and mine for tonight. I bet, all your frustration from work and your thin nerves can catch a break, what do you say?"

Not much. Because I pull him towards me by his tie and kiss him again. I don't want to stop at all anymore. He returns the kiss with the same enthusiasm and his hands find their way to my waist again to lift me up again. When he crosses the living room with quick steps and lays me down on the sofa, I already feel out of breath and clearly turned on.

His kisses become more intense, his lips move from my mouth to my neck, leaving marks there. But it feels too good to make him stop.

"I will gladly hear your excuses, when someone asks you about your hickeys tomorrow. Because you will be all flustered, when you think again about this moment. Where you are ready to be fucked by your colleague, who you despise so much." I whimper as he pushes up my dress and his hands pull my tights down to my knees. The cold air hits my skin, but I don't really notice it, because his lips are on my neck again and his fingers connect first with my stomach and then further down. I hold my breath as his lips touch my ear and his fingers stroke my folds.

"So wet for me. Didnt think, I would turn you on this much." I kiss him to shut him up.

"You are-" I moan, when he finally puts a finger in me. "-so annoying." He laughs at me.

"Am I? But you seem to like it." I feel myself getting wetter, his fingers feel so good as they move gently but firmly inside me. One of his hands moves to push my dress further up and somehow, he manages to pull it over my head. Now, I'm lying in front of him in just a bra, his hands slowly find their way over my body and to my back, which I lift slightly so that he can open the clasp.

When I lie naked in front of him and he massages my breasts, his lips touch mine and his fingers stimulate me, I feel like I'm in heaven.

He breaks apart, so he can look at me and I draw my eyebrows together, when his fingers increase in speed. My mouth opens and the sounds that escape me echo in the apartment.

"I'm- god, I think I am going to come-" at that he starts to tease me, going slower but a lot deeper. My eyes almost roll back as he hits a certain spot inside me.

"That feels good? What do you say, when you want something?" You stupid idiot.

"You stupid-" I begin to say as his lips graze my nipple and his finger scissor and stretch me out further.

"One word, darling. Say it." And because I feel this knot inside me (and maybe this side of him turns me on, like a lot), I finally open my mouth to please him.

"Please, Mike. I-I need to-" My sentence is cut off as his fingers speed up and I moan loudly.

"Thats a good girl, you can be so good to me, if I make you." His lips search mine as I finally come. My breathing is heavy and when I come down from my high and look at his face, I see the satisfied expression.

"You are done-" I can't maintain my strict facial expression and suddenly have to start smiling. His eyes widen in surprise and I raise my eyebrows, still smiling softly.

"What?" I quietly laugh at his expression.

"Nothing, its just- I have never seen you smiling so happy." I roll my eyes gently. As I look at him closer now, I see the bulge in his pants and the loosened tie. As I lean forward, his eyes shift to my body.

"You still are fully clothed. A bit unfair, don't you think?" I watch him swallow and my hands move to his chest to slowly unbutton his shirt. As I also remove the tie and slip the shirt from his shoulders, I sit myself on his lap. Rocking my hips forward and seeing his eyes close. His hands move to my hips and begin to control the movements, my eyes close too and my head leans into the crook of his neck as the movements become faster.

Sighs and heavy breaths leave his lips and once again, one of his hands moves to grab my breasts, lightly grazing the nipples.

I look at him, noticing his swollen lips and his flushed cheeks. His hair is a mess and his forehead is furrowed, but he tries his best to pull himself together.

I groan as I look at him and suddenly think back to todays afternoon, when he was on a phone call and I heard how he listed one reciting fact after another, without any difficulty.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"N-nothing" I'm definitely too embarrassed to admit how much his intelligence and the way he seems to know everything, turns me on.

One of his hands moves to my entrance and teases me by just circling around it. When I try to push myself down, he pulls his fingers away.

"You tell me, whats going on in that pretty head of yours and you'll get me." My body feels so hot, I can't think properly anymore.

"You where on a phone call today and you just- you listed without any effort every single point that will help you win the case. You just said it like- it's nothing."

When his fingers dig into me again, I bite my lips. I try to control my moans and not pay attention to the fact, that I just gave him every opportunity to make him be more complacent than his usual self.

His fingers pump into me and I feel slightly overstimulated. But I wouldnt want to stop now.

"You get off by the thought of me, saying memorized facts? Who would have thought that my intelligence would turn you on so much." God, his ego probably doesn't fit in this apartment anymore.

"Don't think too highly of yourself, you still annoy me." Now I'm really just trying to get myself out of the situation. I lean towards him, so he can't say anything anymore and pull on his blonde hair to distract him.

Moans escape my lips and when I notice that his noises are also getting louder, I pull away from him. He looks at me confused.

"I want you inside me." Thats all I say, but he quickly complies with my request. I slide off his lap and wait for him to take off his pants and boxers until he's finally on top of me again. His fingers find my bottom lip and while maintaining eye contact, I open my mouth so he can insert a finger. My tongue brushes against his and after a few moments of him pressing on my tongue, he lets his fingers move back to the spot that needs him the most.

He stretches me for a few minutes until he finally guides his cock to my hole and slowly penetrates me. My eyes close and I hear his breath in my ear as he pushes further.

"You are so tight- good thing finally someone fucks you." I nod without thinking and hear his laughter in my ear.

"You think so too, huh. Would you let anyone fuck you then?" My stomach tenses, I feel the pleasure growing again and every movement of him. This feels so good-

I try to shake my head, but I'm too lost in the sensations to pay much attention to his words.

"No? But I thought, you hate me. Why would you let me fuck you, if you don´t even like me?" His thrusts become faster and more uncontrolled, I feel him getting closer to his own high.

"I-" I try to stutter "d-don´t hate you." I feel myself getting closer and reach into his hair, pulling at the roots and feeling his lips on my shoulder. His thrusts become more powerful and as he moves his hand and massages my clitoris, suddenly everything goes white in front of my eyes and I come.

I feel every inch inside of me, feel his fingers brush over the visible bulge in my stomach and think to myself: god I feel so full

When he comes too, I moan so loudly that it's impossible that my neighbors didn't hear me. His hand finds its way around my chin, he slides a finger into my mouth and I feel my vagina tighten because of it.

He hisses and his thrusts slow down until he finally pulls out of me, trying not to fall on top of me. As I give him some space next to me, he falls halfway on me, but pulls me on top of him in the next second and I can hear his strong heartbeat. With his outstretched hand he pulls the blanket over me, that had fallen to the floor.

We both try to catch our breath and as the minutes pass, only the wind outside is heard. He is the first to break the silence.

"So, you don't hate me?" I lift my head from his naked chest to look at him.

"Only sometimes." He shakes his head and smiles, gently stroking my back.

The evening went by quickly, we ordered a pizza and ate it (clothed) on the terrace. We were going over his documents for tomorrow, I blushed at the thought that this was the real reason he came here, but he just hugged me from behind after we finished and continued watching the stars.

It's not really clear what this evening means for us, but I don´t want to get into that, not yet. Because I'm not sure what it means anyway.

Because now, I have to get used to the fact that his voice no longer irritates me, that his jokes no longer annoy me and that he as a person, is actually not as bad as I imagined.

"Who thought, I was the one to get you relax."

But he is still a show-off.

[deadbydangit]

helloooooo!!!

i wanted to request something if you dont mind :)

how do you think the killers (of your choice) would react to string tricks? like a survivor that specializes on doing very fun tricks with strings?

if this is very confusing, sorry 😅

thanks!

I'm not too sure what string tricks are, but I do know of yo-yo tricks. I can write about that. I hope that's an okay substitute. Please enjoy.

With a reader who could do yo-yo tricks: Mastermind, Hillbilly, Huntress

Mastermind

A yo-yo?

"Aren't you a bit old for that?"

"That seems rather childish."

Don't let Wesker's pretentious talking discourage you from doing what you love.

Just because he finds it childish doesn't mean he'll make you stop.

He wishes you would spend time learning something more useful.

Alas, he will not complain about it.

"Well, I suppose it promotes good hand eye coordination."

"Very well dearheart. If it makes you that happy."

People outright tell you to leave him alone, but he isn't too interested in your tricks.

Again, it just isn't something that's practical.

"Why don't you practice something useful. Like using a gun or learning the chemical formulas I'm studying?"

His idea of fun and your idea of fun may be totally different.

However, he does enjoy seeing the look on your face when you're practicing.

You have this child-like innocence that he finds irresistible and adorable.

Like, for that moment, you're able to ignore all the horrible awful things in the world.

Like you're able to focus on only the good and pure things.

He actually finds himself rather jealous.

During times when he feels like everything is hopeless he'll often come and watch you.

It gives him a sense of hope that he had otherwise thought he had lost.

"Dearheart, would you please show me that trick where the yo-yo goes over your head? I enjoy that one."

Even if he finds the talent ridiculous, he loves seeing the joy on your face.

Hillbilly

"What's that?"

Max has never seen one before.

Maybe on tv, but never in real life.

He was deprived of all those fun things a normal child would have.

Even doing the most basic thing with the yo-yo Max finds amazing.

So when you show him tricks?

He's in awe.

Like he had seen a unicorn or something.

"Again!"

You'll hear that at least five more times after you've done a trick.

He can't help it.

The person he loves the most doing such amazing things?

"It's magic!"

You'll have to explain to Max that, no, it isn't magic.

He wants to try!

You can try and teach him, but he'll usually end up hitting himself in the face trying to do some elaborate trick.

He's easily discouraged because he has been told his whole life that he was useless.

But don't let him give up. Make sure you show him the basics and do so slowly.

He'll pick it up eventually.

And when he does, you better believe he'll be showing you the trick about 50 times.

Even if it's just making the yo-yo go up and down like normal.

He's really trying hard to impress you, so make sure you praise him a lot.

Huntress

Like Max, Anna will also be in awe.

However, she knows that it isn't magic.

She does think it's some sort of weapon though.

She had never seen a yo-yo before.

She'll want to try out this new and unique 'weapon' of yours.

You're going to have to explain to her that no, it isn't a weapon.

That it's a hobby; a toy you could learn tricks with.

To her, anything could be used as a weapon. But she won't break your favorite toy by trying to use it as a weapon.

She knows doing something like that would hurt you. It would be like someone breaking her mask.

As someone who has practiced the art of throwing hatchets meticulously, she appreciates the time and effort you've put into learning the yo-yo.

Even if it doesn't do any damage, she's still really impressed by you.

She might want to try it.

Make sure you show her how to hold it properly and the correct strength to use.

We all know how strong Anna is and how unaware she is of that strength.

She might accidentally yank the string so hard the yo-yo part comes off.

If that's happened she'll be devastated and crying, begging for your forgiveness.

Asure her that you aren't upset.

You'll just have to teach her to be a little more careful.

She's a fast learner, she picks up on things very quickly.

And, with her axe throwing skills, she's able to learn the yo-yo even faster.

She claims the wrist flicking motions are very similar.

Once she gets good enough, try and find her own yo-yo.

Because she'll be playing with it all the time.

And, when she has her own, she'll get to play with you.

To her, that's the best part about it.

[cupoftaae]

Forever and a day (KTH x READER) series♡ silent treatment cant last forever (chapter 5)

Summary: your lifelong friend is forced to face his true feelings for you once he breaks the number one rule of becoming friends with benefits: dont fall in love. He knows he loves you, but you on the other hand need more convincing of the most important thing: the right decision.

Genre: fwb. Roommates, friends to idiots to lovers, fluff, angst, smut, the whole 9 yards tbh.

Pairing: taehyung x female!reader

rating: 18+ (minors dni!!!)

word count- 4.1k

chapter warnings: swearing, tae is struggling :( kaito is a fucking LOSER and does a bad thing. literally all I can say is SORRY in advance !! mentions of domestic violence and abuse. Quick mention of pregnancy

A/N- I hope you guys enjoy this chapter, I have most of these already written out, but I like to take time and add ideas as I go along. I kinda came up with a plot twist that will eventually play out, just dont hate me. What can I say? I love angst. ALSO- chapter 6 will be out this weekend possibly, if not, then monday ;) just a treat bc ily guys

"he's such a fucking dumbass" Kaito scoffs and takes a sip of his wine, collapsing back onto the couch next to you. You remained quiet as he ranted after you told him about the night you had.

Immediately after coming back to the apartment with taehyung, you two ended up fighting again. Something about him being childish, you being self centered, him being nosey, and you not being the old you. What does that even mean? You havent changed at all, its him who is always starting these fights.

after that, you packed a bag and ran over to your boyfriends house. It wasnt where you wanted to be, exactly, but you needed a place to hide.

"I dont think he is a dumbass, I just think....hes....i dont know? having a midlife crisis?" you shrugged, leaning into your boyfriends touch.

"midlife crisis....at the ripe age of 23 years old?"

"yeah, I think he is always comparing himself to me, and hes confused about who he wants to be. He wishes he stayed in college so bad, he even signed up for this little credit art course they ha-"

"art??" kaito laughed covering his mouth for a moment

"yeah" you turned around to look at him

"so he thinks finger painting will help him snap into being an adult?"

you stared at him, scrunching your face up in thought. Yeah, you kinda poked at tae and made jokes, but you didnt mean any harm deep down. Maybe you dont understand his little desire to paint away his feelings, but watching kaito laugh about it is different, because he means it. You suddenly felt guilty for talking about him behind his back, even if he was a dick for yelling at you a few hours ago.

"he enjoys it, its kinda cute. If its helping him back onto his feet then who cares...its not like he quit his job or anything, kaito."

"cute? more like immature"

"hey, cmon, leave him alone"

"you cant seriously be defending him"

"I just dont like talking about people behind their back, you know?"

"whatever" he scoffed, taking a sip of his drink before pulling you onto his lap. "wait..." he stopped, thinking before laughing. "I thought....I thought you said you were sick?"

Your heart stopped the minuet he spoke, how could you forget your own fucking lie, more importantly, how is he just catching this?

"Oh I was feeling better, mhm. This morning I felt like shit but I figured it would be better to suck it up and go to the dinner anyways, should have stayed home!" you blurted out and got off his lap, standing to your feet.

"right" he eyed you, standing up as well as he put his drink down. "well....do you wanna go to bed?" he asked, doing that stupid smirk face that made you somewhat angry.

"uhm, well, yeah, but im really tired kai, also im still not feeling 100% you know? so, maybe we should sleep. just..sleep." you nodded quickly and turned around on the ball of your heel, only to be yanked around by the wrist.

Your eyes widened in shock at the sudden action from him, heart pounding in your ears. Was he drunk? who knows, but that was not an ok thing to do regardless.

"let go of me, what the fuck?" you breath out, trying to tug your hand out of his tightening grip.

"you arent lying to me about Taehyung right?"

"what? What are you talking ab- let go!"

"you wouldnt lie to avoid me, right? you and him arent doing shit behind my back?" he asked, anger in his voice, something youve never seen.

"No! theres nothing!! I promise, I was just sick and, kai you are scaring me please!" you whine, mad at the tears that showed up so quickly. He saw your eyes and immediately let go, making you yank yourself backwards quickly, allowing the tears to fall as you hugged yourself.

"oh my god, im so sorry baby, I didnt mean to d-"

You both looked down at the mark left on your wrist from his grip

"shit, im so.....im so sorry, y/n, listen-"

"get away from me!!" you yelled, "Im sleeping in the guest room, d-dont come in, sober the fuck up and dont touch me again, I swear to God..." your voice shakes as you spoke, aware that if he really wanted to, he could hurt you again.

you saw regret in his face, but it didnt matter. jealousy has always been an issue for him, but its never shown like this....it was scary.

you turn quickly to run upstairs, hiding in his guest bedroom and locking the door, you wanted to leave but also didnt have anywhere to go exactly. You promised to meet up with your friend Dahyun tomorrow for lunch, so you would have to ask her to pick you up earlier.

kaito looked at the wine glass that had spilled without him even knowing, sighing and sitting with his face in his hands instead of going after you.

-

Taehyung woke up the next morning in the same state he had fell asleep: mad, clothed, dirty, and missing you.

He knew he was fighting you when it was happening, but there was just an overstimulation of emotions that had over poured, and unfortunately, you happened to be the punching bag.

He made a mental note to call his parents and explain later as he walked into your room. you were still not there. Given the things he said, you doesn't blame you, however he would like to apologize.

He walked into the kitchen and looked at all the food, well, more like ingredients for meals he doesnt know how to make. You said something last night to him about him needing to depend on you with everything, including meals. It hurt, but it was right. He sighed and closed the fridge, moving to go sit on the couch in the quiet apartment before opening his phone to his social media’s.

He hated to see other people and how well they were doing, but he found himself online more often then he used to be, maybe it was to inspire or motivate him, he wasn’t sure. He scrolled across Annie’s art page, stopping to pay extra attention to one post in particular.

She was good, her art was something people would pay money to see, he understood why she would be in all the art classes she could find. The post showed her setting up at the banquet hall a few streets down, something about an art fair. Tae smiled and like the post, wanting to know more about it. He contemplated dming her, eventually just giving in and doing so.

Taehyung: hello Annie, it’s taehyung, you probably know that because you can see my name, anyways, I saw your recent post and was wondering what you were setting up for?

He tapped his phone with his fingers, feeling odd to text someone who wasn’t, well, you.

He was surprised to see her answer quickly

Annie: hey tae :)) i was hoping you would text soon enough. I’m setting up for an art festival at the Julie banquet hall! You should totally come if you aren’t busy :0!!!

He laughed and bit his nail, suddenly hearing your voice in his head telling him not to do that...bad habit.

He texted back

Taehyung: when is it?

Annie: it’s being held this entire week for a viewing, but next weekend there is a contest....winner gets a prize!

taehyung smiled and looked around, that could be huge for him. Maybe this was the universal sign from the universe he needed, a sign that his rash decisions were actually working out for him. He knew he probably wouldn’t be able to go down today, for obvious reasons other than the fact he needs a shower.

He also needed to prepare something worth winning, and that required time.

Taehyung: oh wow...that sounds really interesting. I’ll probably be down later this week, thanks for letting me know.

He tossed his phone to the side and began to head for his room, knowing that he wouldn’t leave until he created a masterpiece.

As fun as this was, he had to admit, it was a good distraction from you.

-

"How come kai couldnt just drop you off?" Dahyun looked over at you, taking a bite of her sandwich. "well, he was a bit hungover, he had a lot to drink last night" you cleared your throat, sipping your water.

It had been a while since you and your friend saw eachother, and going out for lunch together was nice, a step away from all the boy drama going on. You were in college, and you just wanted to do normal stuff and leave the high school shit behind.

Dahyun sat back and looked you over, concern on her face. "sweetheart are you alright?"

"why wouldnt I be?

"because you look like shit, in the nicest way. Have you been sleeping?"

you laugh, looking down at your hands, "yeah, ....well, no"

"mhm, whats going on?"

"tae and I got into a fight last night, and it was just really annoying because we are always fighting nowadays, I hate it."

"is that why you were at kaitos?"

you nodded, eyes looking out the window. "I should have just stayed at the apartment though. I hate to admit it but I kinda miss him, he hasnt texted me" you sighed and re-checked your phone.

"hes a grown man, y/n, he can handle shit"

you looked at your friend, quick to remind yourself that they dont see the true venerability of taehyung like you do, they dont know that he's just emotional and feels things differently than others, so as much as you hate to say it....he cant take care of himself.

"mm" you shrug, taking a bite of a fry. "lets just talk about something else?" you suggest

"okay, let me think...." dahyun smiled to herself, searching her brain for something to talk about. "Oh did you hear about chae?" she suddenly spoke up

"no, what about her? is she ok?"

"dude she had such a pregnancy scare, she called me 2 nights ago because she was fully convinced she was preggo....shes not though so its alright" she shrugged

your eyes widened at your friends words, "what?...how did I not know this? why didnt she call me?"

"well, not to start anything but...we kinda have been calling and texting you, but you dont seem to have time anymore, which is perfectly fine, but we miss you."

you slumped down into your seat, food on the plate in front of you has now gone cold and unedible. "I dont know, man. Life is so messy right now, theres just so much going on. I miss you guys like crazy, we need to plan like a sleepover or a girls weekend." you suggest, leaning into the palm of your hand sadly.

"hey, y/n, just breathe, everything will be okay. If you are free next weekend I know a friend of mine is throwing a really fun party, i'll text you the info if you are down to go?"

you smiled hopefully, not that you were the super most outgoing person on campus, but the idea of going to a party with other kids seemed like a set up to meet some new people.

"Dahyun that sounds really fun, yes please send me the info, is chae going?" you ask, pulling out your phone

"mhm, yep...but we are gonna have to keep her with us because her boyfriend is going...well now ex boyfriend considering they broke up over this whole 'almost pregnant' scare, and-"

you quickly shut out your friends voice as you checked your socials, suddenly coming across a photo taehyung had posted on his story of a painted canvas, seemed normal enough, except the fact someone was there with him. at your apartment.

you whip your head up, "I think I have to go, im sorry, uh, something just came up and I need to get home, but uhm, you'll have to text me about nate and chae!" you spoke quickly, grabbing your purse and standing. "Thank you for having me out, I really needed it. Dont forget to text me the party details!!" you sing as you hug her and make a dash for the door.

-

You exited the elevator and made your way down the hall quickly, searching for your keycard in your over packed purse before bumping into someone and falling to the floor.

"ow? hel-, oh.." you quiet down when your eyes meet the person waiting outside your apartment door. kaito.

"What are you doing here?" you quickly stood to your feet and brushed past him, still searching for the key.

"baby, you havent answered my calls, we need to talk about last night. Im so sorry, I never meant to make you feel unsafe, im going through so much and I just....I just, I dont know what happened, but im so sorry!" he rambled quickly, touching your back and making you stop your movements.

"kaito..."

"i know, im so sorry, i suck and im an asshole and you probably hate me, I would too"

you sighed as your hands fell to your sides, turning to face him. "you....you arent an asshole, dont say that." you breathe out, grabbing his hand "just promise me you'll cut down on the drinking or something...I dont wanna see that again." you felt guilt throughout your chest as he looked down.

"I promise, baby, I will"

you pulled him into a hug and squeezed him, rubbing his back and moving to kiss his cheek. "head home, now, please" you whispered, watching his face fall.

"wait why? I was hoping we could hang out or make food or something?" he gestures towards your front door. "hm, Im sorry kai, maybe after classes sometime this week, I have to handle something right now...you know how he is" you quieted your voice at the last part, watching your boyfriend nod.

"okay....just, uh, text me ok?"

you smiled and nodded, "of course"

once he made a turn for the hall, you placed your keycard into the door and walked into the apartment to see Annie and Taehyung in the kitchen. You usually werent too keen on having random people in your house, you and tae promised to not invite others there without letting eachother know.

"y/n..." tae turned and saw you, making annie stop whisking whatever was in the bowl she held.

"tae" you nod, waving quietly to the short girl behind him. "didnt know there was something going on today" you joke, putting your bag down and walking in with arms crossed over your body.

"I just invited her over because it was a little too quiet over here" he joked, looking at her and smiling.

"ah I see" you smile and lean against the island counter. "what are you guys making?"

"apple pie" annie cheerfully responds, moving to her phone to change the song that was playing

"oh, yummy" you awkwardly reply, somewhat angry that she was in your kitchen and took it upon herself to use your ingredients that you bought yourself.

"tae, can we talk?" you turn to him, talking quietly.

"yeah..." he looked over at annie, "ill be right back"

she replied with a thumbs up before returning to her baking, reading the recipe off tae's phone.

You led him into your room before shutting the door and leaning against it, the boy looking back at you like he was expecting to get yelled at. "I'm sorry" you exhale, "For the other night, I dont wanna keep doing this with you" you shrug

"I dont wanna fight with you either." he spoke simply, biting the inside of his cheek nervously.

"I dont...I dont really know whats been going on with us but I rather just sit and be your friend than your enemy, you know"

he nodded, "you are right, and Im sorry too, all that shit I said, I didnt mean it, It was out of frustration which still isnt okay bu-"

you cut him off with a hug, "its okay"

he took a moment before wrapping his arms around you in return, "Are you mad she is here?" he whispered, "no...just wish you would have texted me...."

"i know, im sorry" he shook his head, sighing. "um, also, my parents called and I explained kinda the situation simply and they seemed to understand somewhat. I spoke honestly with them about how their words effected me and shit, and they said they would try to stop...well...mostly my mom will try to stop" he laughed, making you smile.

"they want us to go over to their house before they go back home, sometime later this week. I know you have classes and stuff but even if its just for one night over there, ill drive you to school in the morning if you need" he added.

"okay, we will work it out, im proud of you for sticking up for yourself" you laughed softly, making him look down shyly. "did you take your medication today?" you remembered to ask suddenly

he looked up at you and pressed his lips together before hesitantly shaking his head, "uh...I forgot.."

you sigh, "okay, lets go take it" you grabbed his hand and went back into the kitchen, brushing past annie to get to the medicine cabinet.

You took notice of how the girl eyed you and your hand against his, making you smirk to yourself. Even if you and tae were just friends, you knew no one would ever be able to squeeze between you both, not kaito nor annie.

"here, bubs" you whisper, handing him his pill and a water bottle

"whats that?" annie spoke up, cutting up apples on your good cutting board you didnt even get to use yet, making your eye twitch.

"allergy meds" taehyung spoke up, taking a sip of water as you look back at him with sympathetic eyes, his face telling you to just not say anything. His ADHD was something he assumed he should be ashamed of, something people would always use to blame his behavior on.

He didnt want to be that, he just wanted to be Taehyung.

Annie nodded and patted her hands on her apron before moving to the next thing, engaging in conversation with taehyung. "so what were you saying before she came in?" she asked, catching you off guard as you threw your hands up and walked over to tidy the living room area.

"Oh I was just talking about the art thing and how-"

"tae.." you stopped fluffing the pillows to turn to him, making annie sigh as you once again interrupted their conversation.

"what?" he looked around, confused.

"why arent you working? todays a work day?"

"oh, uh-...."

Annie smiled, "I didnt know you had a job, where do you work?"

Tae looked between the two of you before speaking up, "well...I used to work at this buisn-"

"used to? you got fired??" you walked over and held his arm

"no no....I quit, like....last week" he huffed, seeming relieved to get it off his chest. "tae, why did you, what?? why would you do that?" you looked at him seriously, knowing that there was no income for you two anymore.

"because I plan to apply for college again, I have a whole thing in the works, y/n, I promise, I didnt just do it on a whim" he spoke quickly

"y/n, he can handle himself" annie sarcastically spoke with a smile

"kindly leave please, him and I need to talk" you finally looked back at her, making her plead to taehyung.

"what? but we were doing something!" she puts the rolling pin down when tae shrugged, "im sorry annie, ill text you okay?" he walked her out before apologizing again and shutting the door.

"well aint she the sweetest" you scoff and collapse on the couch. "come here please" you spoke calmly, wanting to approach this correctly. Taehyung walked over slowly and sat on the couch next to you, keeping his body close and away from you.

You took a deep breath in and looked at him, "tae, honey, why did you do that?"

he shrugged, sighing.

"look at me"

he turned his head around to you after a few seconds, revealing the tears in his eyes. "tae..."

you are quick to wrap him into your arms, "its ok, im not mad. I just wish you told me, everything makes more sense now" you mumble

"Im sorry for not saying anything, I was just so unhappy working there and I just had to leave" he chokes out, face hidden into your shoulder. your hand finds his hair as he gently pulls away.

"i'll find a side job or something, but I really am serious about this school thing" he quickly muttered as you wiped his tears.

"Its okay...I can probably pick up tutoring for Mrs.Chin again, she pays well and if I do it after classes everyday it'll probably be enough to sustain rent" you sigh, rubbing his arm.

you watched as the boys face was filled with regret and sadness, making your heart split in two. "dont tell my parents, please" he whispers

"no...of course not" you smile lightly, "ive learned my lesson"

Taehyung laughed and leaned back against the end of the couch, head looking up at the ceiling. "so....we can talk more later if you like, but for now lets go finish making that apple pie" you leaned into him jokingly, making him laugh.

You two got up and walked into the kitchen "why did you let her use my cutting board" you pouted

"im sorry" he smiled shyly "If it counts, I know nothing about how to bake, and if I was the one making the pie we would all be food poisoned."

you laughed, "i'll teach you"

-

You two sat in Taehyungs bedroom, both eating a slice of apple pie as he played some game on his Xbox, you watching.

"so..." you began, scarping your fork on your plate. "art, huh?"

he paused his game and turned to you, smiling, "what?"

"youre passionate about it?"

"yeah, I suppose" he shrugged, watching you get up and walk over to his desk. "I saw these on instagram, they are actually quite nice" you added, eyeing them over as he came up behind you. "yeah, those were just some doodling to be honest." he itched his neck.

"but uh, im working on something big. Can I show you?" he spoke, watching you nod before pulling a canvas from his closet and placing it down.

The sketch included an empty, bare forest of trees in the center of a town square, details to a perfect ten on even the smallest things. "Its not done, not in the slightest but..."

"woah.....holy shit tae, you...wow" you were actually in awe. You knew he liked art, but this was beyond anything youve seen from him, it genuinely made you feel something. "this is really beautiful, is this pencil work?"

"thank you" he mumbled shyly, a blush on his face, "yeah, its pencil, I plan to add color to everything but the tree, itll remain black and white." he spoke, looking it over himself.

"does it mean anything?" you pondered aloud.

"well...its like this, trees lose everything they have in the winter, no leaves no flowers, nothing, right?" he spoke as you listened, "yet they still are just...there, while everything continues to progress and move around them, because they know if they wait, whats theirs will grow back."

"wow...." you said again, truly speechless by his work. Clearly you underestimated him, because this is beyond anything youve seen.

He looked at you lovingly before clearing his throat and putting it away again, "yeah... its for this art contest that Annie told me about. Winner gets like, a cash prize, im not sure how much, but it doesnt matter because they also win a trip to a really cool art museum in Paris" he looked back at you.

"Paris?...wow tae, I have no doubts you will win this"

"dont jinx it" he teased, walking back to his chair.

you put your hands up in defense, giggling. "so is it an art show?" you asked, following him

"yeah, I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to come....the exhibit is all this week and I plan on going on friday....was gonna ask if you'd wanna come with?" he spoke quietly, hopeful tone evident.

"hmm..I would love to" you smiled and grabbed his plate to clear, heading towards the kitchen

"oh, also...." he sat up, making you turn to him. "whats up?" you ask,

"I know this is kinda odd, but would you mind if you just...like, slept in here tonight?"

your eyes widened at him, making him feel like he overstepped

"I shouldnt have said that im sorry, I just didnt sleep last night and I always fall asleep quickly with you"

you giggled quietly, "no its okay, ill sleep here alright?" you watched his face light up , nodding

"thank you..."

-

"what happened to your arm?" tae asked as you climbed into his bed and shut the light off.

"what do you mean?" you were confused, sitting the side opposite of him. Taehyung pointed to your wrist, oh...yeah, that.

"oh I burnt myself, curling iron. wasnt paying attention" you sighed as he frowned. "be careful, ok?"

you nodded, "ok"

once you both were in and under the covers, the silence was welcoming. To be fair, you slept best here too, and the last time you laid here the circumstances were completely different, so it was a bit weird.

You laughed to yourself when you heard his soft snores after a few minuets, he wasnt joking. you lifted your arm and raised your fingers across your wrist.

be careful

there was so much to be careful about, and if only he knew the full extent of it.

You looked over at the sleeping boy next to you before turning to your side and closing your eyes, allowing yourself to just be here, in his bed, in this very moment, because it gave you the safety and comfort you needed so badly

be careful .....

taglist-

@turnthepageandbeburnt

@taebangtanbabe

@kthstrawberryshortcake-main

@borahaexoxo

@lelefoodlover

@tan-veee

[youremyheaven]

Wow I literally stopped talking to my Pushya asc, Rohini moon best friend of like 10 years bc they would habitually try to embarrass me in front of boys. They were obsessed with male validation and would get visibly jealous when they weren’t getting the attention. Nobody else could outshine them in any situation. I’m sun nak dominant so I find behavior like this so pick me and disgusting when i don’t even WANT the attention in the first place 🙄 and then they would giggle and play dumb when confronted abt it. So childish. That post was so accurate, I too am a victim of a moon dominant individual lol

😭😭 prayer circle for all of us who've had to put up with moon dominant people🕯️🕯️

but this is sooo funny, hope she grew out of it tho

i knew another moon dominant girl (not super close, just on friendly terms) and she was dating a guy i knew very well and he had just dumped her, i knew he was one of those fckboys who masquerade as softboys, like he will use you for sex, never call you back and then say "its not you, its me🥹you deserve better, so please i'm letting you go even tho it hurts, i dont deserve you at all" and anyone who knows a thing or two about men YK that this is how they manipulate you into thinking they're not fckboys they just want what's best for you (after having sex with you ofc,, they only have this realisation after they get what they want) and i told her that she shouldn't feel too bad because he's an asshole and she dodged a bullet and this girl straight up told me its because i wish i could've had him like babe he used you not me?? i gain nothing from this or from telling you what kind of person he is?? lol, she was Rohini Sun

[headphonemouse]

Vent

Everyone works on my birthday so we celebrated yesterday. But every year I want less and less to do with it.

It always makes me feel so fucking awful. Wretched. Childish and miserable. Ungrateful and undeserving and I just want everyone to stop talking about it.

But the thing is? It's not even bad. People get me gifts and congratulate me and my mom always makes pancakes in special shapes and there's cake and there's all those wonderful things that go along with birthday celebrations that people miss oh so much when they become adults or that people want oh so badly but never had and I am just some horrible piece of shit in the center of it all.

I don't like pancakes. I never have any suggestions or requests when it comes to food so my mom for some reason decided that pancakes were birthday food. She never makes pancakes on days that aren't birthdays. I dont eat breakfast. She's kept it up all these years without being asked. I can't say I appreciate the sentiment, but I can tell it is something that's supposed to be appreciated, and I'm not appreciating it enough, and I never appreciate anything enough, or show it enough, or do anything to pay anything back. I ate the pancakes. They didn't taste good.

Months ago I visited a certain place with my family and in the gift shop was a certain item I was immediately drawn to. The design was charming, the shape and size just about perfectly fit in my hands, the utility was something I had little use for, but my habits could shift so that I would use it more often. That is, if I had gotten the item. It was $30. My family said something like "why would you spend $30 on something you don't need." I would have used my own money anyways, but in the end I didn't buy it. For my birthday among the gifts was a similar item, stripped of all aesthetic appeal, purely for utility. I don't need it and I don't want it. At this point it just offends me, but it was purchased some months ago shortly after I'd abandoned the one I wanted, so we couldn't return it for the $10 or $15 it was on sale for. I dont need it, I don't want it, it was a total waste of $10 or $15, it will take up space in our cabinets and I want nothing to do with it. I almost wanted to rush out to that gift shop just to purchase the one that I actually wanted, but what would be the point of that? I would just be sinking more money into this stupid idea and tying this bitter memory to something I'd otherwise adore. And it would be way more expensive, too, for travel money and the admission ticket into the area. I could wait for until admission tickets are free or on sale, but by then why would I even care for it. Owning one item won't make me happy.

This sort of situation happened so often and with so many things that I have developed some sort of complex around receiving gifts. Anything I desire is stupid and I am stupid for desiring it, but I still need to be grateful for receiving it even after convincing myself that I don't actually want it. I have no room for it so it becomes a burden that I can't get rid of. And i don't use it or touch it. And it piles up. And it piles up. And it's my fault my room is messy when I can't get rid of anything but I keep having to accept things I don't want and looking at it upsets me and thinking about it upsets me and I don't want any of this.

On any other day I manage to be pretty normal about this. It's just that on the day that's supposed to be my celebration I tend to act more like a child, though it's hard to say I ever act like an adult. I'm really somewhat of a hopeless person

Celebrating my birthday online is extremely different, of course. I dont have to accept any physical gifts, no one can grab me when I don't want to be held, I don't have to eat anything I don't like, I don't have to spend any money. No one gets upset at me for not emoting to their satisfaction. It's really. I wish it could always be like this

[gayspock]

whilst i cannot sleep

is anyonegetting angry and upset in their own head is anyone feelign hateful is anyone going nuts knowing it never gets anywhere that it never means anythingi keepgetitng really. really fucking angry. walk around try not to be sick fucking calm down breathe br normaallll!!!! and upset thinking abt how fucking stupid it is that i keep getitng angry andupset. when ive been trying actively not to care about it because caring doesnt mattereither and nothing matters but i cant fucking shake it. gorgeous spiral because it jsut fucking goes round in circles and it never stops and i feel like half this shit its like peopelwont even remember any more but i cant ever fucking get it out of my head and i wishthere was some fucking closurebut i dont fucking ever move i keep trying to fucking push shit forward dbutr im always jsut fucking stuck. everyone just fucking leaves and goesd on like it never happened or mattered. and idontknow whyi everjust sit there and theres this niggling fucking . ache forsoemthing just some fucking acknowledgement . like i dont want apologies i dont fucking care i dont think its even due just fucking realise i existed just for a second pleaseand my head was jsut .slightly fucked up by thsi but i feel selfish and stupid and childish and its just a fucking pipedreamgod help me but no . imstill fucking stuck as i always am and i cant get out andit doesnt fucking matter how hard i try im alwya sjust never doing enough for anything.igenuinely do fucking try to move on try to fucking do somethingelse and i jsut fucking cant fucking get anywhetre and if eel so so fucking . stupid and theresnothing there but the hollow fucking tauntssaying its going to be okay one day! and then the prompt walking away from your fucking corpse haha ! when theres nothing in sight and i its stupid fucking horseshit selectiverly designed todrvie you so, so fucking angry but youre not allowed to fucking say anything without being the cunt yourenot allowed to react you have to fucking swallow it fucking perform for people who do not fucking care or respect you truly like HAHA. YOURE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF! IF YOU SAY YOURE OKAY FOR ME! YOU WILL THEN BE OKAY! NOW SAY IT! some fuckingsong and dance to make them feel betterdespite youre . fucking . insane and even if you didnt exist this would have no fucking bearing on them whatsoever but oh sure fucking fine fuck OFF do you ever fucking think aboit that i wish i could be fucking miserable for fucking once because i cant ufcking do anyhting else i really fucking cant and i wish someonewould just fucking let me be for fucking once i feel so so so fucking alone i jsut . befrore i finsihmyself off i dont know. . i keep triyng and i wish justr something could get some sort of fucking resolution for once or some fucking release or end but i jsut feel like i cant ask for anything i feel fucking crazy man i feel fucking crazy all the fucking time i feel like imgetitng my shit yanked back and forth . something smehying its never fucking worth being alive i keep sitting there and praying for it to matter to fucking have meant something but i cant fidn a fucking point to any of it im so so fucking sick of it im sick of exisitign but i sut. wahh wahh wahh or whatever i wish i couldfeel happy i wish i could feel loved or just feel liek ive done something okay jsut for fucking ocne before i die idont think im ever going to get there i cant i just keep criyng about all the meaningles nothinhs that keep coming in droves but are just more fucking shortcomins and disappointments and FUCKKKK MY LIFESS<333333

[algolagniaa]

jess is excluded from this bc she is the one singular person who does it in a way that I like. but I just. want to be a normal person. so many people get obsessed with me and it’s not in a way that benefits me at all. it’s like for every person who thinks I’m attractive I have 10 people who hate me/want to wear my skin bc they’re jealous bc they THINK I have all these people who think I’m attractive. and for each of those I have 10 people who are scared of me. and all the people who think I have some kind of magic powers. or that I can fix all their problems. or that I have some kind of deep deep wisdom no one else has. and it’s just. does anyone understand the kind of pressure this is. does anyone understand I’m a person with emotions. no they don’t in fact I forget it sometimes because I’m not allowed to have emotions because people were like this even when I was a kid. everyone is so weird and intense about me but there are so so so few people I’ve met who actually LIKE me as another PERSON and not just an oddity. I have all of this responsibility towards everyone in my life that I don’t want and am not equipped to handle bc I’m just SO important that people want to put SO much on me. and for what???? it’s not like I’m particularly skilled or have any special ability or anything I’m literally just fucking weird and everyone makes it a thing. and it’s this kind of shit that makes me feel like an alien or something. I can’t even say faerie changeling because that has some positive connotations to me and this isn’t positive. being real I like the attention but what I would like more is to get attention the way humans do. it just feels so heavy and like i have all this responsibility i never asked for. and its stupid and childish but sometimes i wish people just saw me as a regular woman. and stopped projecting all this shit onto me. and just saw who i am as a person. which i guess is why i dont mind when jess does it bc she’s intense and obsessive but its about Me Hazel the Person not about whatever people make up. she cant even see it she doesnt get why people are acared of me she certainly doesnt think i have magic powers. she just sees who i am as a person and loves me and oh my god thats never happened before. literally not even once. and i just. what am i doing like @ people on tumblr who are obsessed with me either in a positive or negative way can you like. send me anons and tell me in detail what it is about me that gets people to react to me like this. so that i can Stop Doing It

[ethanwylan]

on despair.

there are no pretty words for this.

none to mask or romanticize. none to comfort or belittle. i feel a hopelessness that has only ever grown. i am a black hole. i feel as though i was put on another planet with only the clothes on my back and a map of connecticut. such is the measure of my inner helplessness.

this feeling of lostness, this vast empty hole inside my person makes me feel as though i am from another world. there is no map to guide me, nor are there distractions perfect enough to live in this colourful lie. its a good lie, a careful one. calculated. for even i am lost as to what is true in my heart and what is merely an illusion. its like a mirage, except some of it is real.

i am trying to figure out whats real.

i feel like i am the only person in the entire world. or maybe everyone is still here, and i am behind a pane of glass. watching. a voyeur. nothing can touch me here. thats why i stay. leaving my world here is like giving up on the dreams of my younger self. that childish want.

i cannot let him down.

but i fear i already have. i wish i could talk to him. i would kiss his face and pet his hair and tell him there are people waiting to love him. i think i broke him. he lives inside me, and so too do his wants. i tried so hard to fit inside the space he left for me. but i have exceeded its walls. there is too much of me that is different now, and i dont know when it began to change.

i cannot let go of the image my sixteen year old hands painted.

i hold it to my chest and i hug it close to me. tender. but it does not stop being broken. it does not stop being wrong. i wish i could hold it, this beautiful thing, and make it real for myself. my self of every past, every present i have lived. but its different now.

i will be twenty in exactly three months and my clothes fit a little different now.

my roots have grown out and i cry less often, but want to more. i once wrote that i felt like a very big animal in a very small cage. i think now i feel like a pig with lipstick on. something uncanny. three children stacked up in a trench coat, asking for entry. a facade.

i dont know when i got taller, only that i never agreed to it.

my childhood friends look at me as though i am something wrong, unnatural. there are houses i once grew up in that i will never enter again. the end of it all.

i am so afraid of the things i want.

i block my own path. legs walking backwards. i feel like a dog pretending to be human. the wrongness of it all. i want so many things. but when i speak them aloud, i taste their bitterness on my tongue. failure.

i am so afraid.

i think that if i ever reached for the things that i want and didn’t grasp them in time, i would break, the glass parts of me shattering. i am made of fragile things. i wish i felt capable of difficulty. but asking me to try creating the art ive wanted to is like asking a leaf to jump into a paper shredder. disintigration.

i look in the mirror, and i wonder if i will ever know him.

i want to be deserving of the things i see at night. perhaps i am made of stronger stuff. things that last. a favourite book. worn and torn, pages dog eared, spine cracked. i want to be that. i want to feel like the view of a sunny day from my grandmothers backyard, sprinklers crackling in the brightness of the day. the rightness of the wind.

i wonder when it will be time to come home.

[paralien]

Is it dual wielding 50% school and night shifts or is it me that's giving me at work panic attacks. is it a me issue? sorry I'm like barely holding back a world breaking anxiety/panic attack at work and using all my will power to sit very still and breathe normally so this might be a long one but like, is it a me issue? am I just bad at managing my time and myself and is it me that's causing the world to feel like it's ending?

I mean, the world feels like it's ending for very many reasons that like, I refuse to properly share even on the over sharing website or w people i know which might be it like. I've got it in my head that as long as I just suck it up well enough it'll somehow disappear into a deep dark void never to be seen again and magically, somehow, my friends will talk to me again and I'll stop feeling so awfully world breakingly heart crushing lonely which doesn't even make sense. Because I'm currently living with my best friend and i love them so much so why do i feel so heart breakingly lonely and as if my life is irrapearily broken and destroyed and nothing will ever be well again?

I just, I have a 0 tolerance now for anything going wrong and it's making me isolate because I don't want to lash out but im also tired of the fact that all that'll excit my mouth is hi how are you doing I've been crying for a week straight ♡ like hello shut up shut up shut up what the fuck no one cares! that's stupid shut up! suck it up! I go to work i attend my classes I don't have any time to do my schoolwork bc all i do is sleep and then wake up for work and work and it has to be a me thing how can't I actually find the time to do it I'm supposed to have 8hrs free for school work but all i do is sleep.

I want to be kinder i need to be kinder i need people to love me and miss me and care if I'm here but I currently feel like if I didn't no one would even notice because why would they? I feel so awful. And i dont get it i try so hard to be nice and supportive and kind but does it matter? does it matter. does it? it's so childish. it's so insanely childish I'm in my mid 20s so how can I suddenly end up so unstable iut of nowhere? I'm exhausted of being exhausted and I'm tired of being lonely but I'm too terrified to reach out to people because if they don't do it first and havent done it first in weeks then why does it matter?

I want too much. I think that's what it all boils down to. I want too much and i can't have it and I can't speak up about wanting it either because how childish is that? how childish how foolish how absolutely ridiculous. how stupid.

I wish I could break into a million pieces and everyone would say how sad and they'd feel sorry for me but i can't those pieces are no ones responsibility but my own. how silly how foolish i just want attention but that's selfish so so selfish so i can't ask for it. I just want a hug. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone to hold me in a tight embrace for hours until I feel steady again like i can breathe again and i think I had a realization and I can't I can't. I don't want to be selfish i don't want to be a burden i don't want them to grow tired of me. I feel like people have already grown tired of me. I've grown tired of me. and I've had a realization and I think ill take it to my grave because I cannot say it i can't how foolish. how absolutely folish. how selfish. how absolutely selfish you are

[will80sbyers]

I think one of the misconceptions most of the fandom has is that mike feels he is not needed in general or that he is powerless. but from the way the show portrayed this situation, the writers made mike's insecurity tied to his relationship with el specifically. mike isnt feeling like a useless nerd in general. he is feeling that way because of his relationship with el, because they are not compitable.

if mike and el were to break up mike wouldnt feel that way in general because this specific insecurity is tied to his relationship with el. mike normally likes to be goofy and a nerd and he was and still is, when el isnt around. its not something he feels constantly but it is something he feels because of his relationship with el and because of their incompitability.

i am not saying this to bash el, dont get me wrong. i am saying this to point out it was an intentional writing choice done by the writers to tie mike being insecure to specifically his relationship to el to show that they are not compitable. so, when they break up, mike wont feel like some random nerd anymore because he and el wont be in a relationship where both of them feel insecure.

Yes! I think the main problem is his relationship with El, but I don't think the problem started because of his relationship, I think it's the bullying at school that made him start feeling that way about himself, and then he started to apply that feeling to his relationship with El... when he is with his other friends he feels more like himself, and he doesn't care much about what other people think now that he's grown up, (he still cares in general a bit because everybody does, but he is very insecure only with El...) he can get over it by being with the people like Eddie, Will etc that help him feel more secure... so I don't think that Mike has heavy depression, I don't think he's portrayed that way in the show, but I do think he has a lot of trauma and that he is really confused about feelings and most of all about how other people feel towards him... I think Mike started to feel like thanks to El he had a purpose, he could help her and save Will and be important, Mike always wished he was like the heroes in the stories he loved, so when he found El that did change his life, and the fact that El liked him back seemed almost impossible to him because she was so amazing and so special, and he felt like he was just a random kid, he didn't feel special, but he also is not heavily depressed about that, it's just a fact to him!

He was scared of losing El though, so he started to change himself in season 3 trying to let go of things that he thought El would consider childish, because he liked her and wanted her to keep liking him... but the thing is that you can't really be in love with someone, and they can't really be in love with you, if you are pretending to be someone else when you are together.

That's loving the idealized version of that person, not the person!

So this mask of heteronormativity that he put on where he plays the role of the boyfriend and El has the role of ''girlfriend'' is what is stopping them from really be in love... I also feel like the writers wrote this on purpose to show how Mike and El are not the right person for each other, even liking each other and having love for each other, they can't be themselves when they are in a relationship, that's their dynamic and that's why they have to break up.... and at that point they can become friends again and be themselves like they were in season 1 and Mike can start really seeing Will, understanding that loving Will is super easy because he could always be completely himself with him and Will makes him feel like he's special and important since the start! Byler endgame was always the solution!!!

[woterh]

Happy 4 Years babe.

I've been pondering my relationship tonight, and how I wish people would write love letters again. The ones with like those cute little stamps and the photo of your honey with their scent sprayed on there. And so I wrote this little love letter of sorts. Its kinda cheesy and probably too personal to share on the internet, but my heart is full and bursting at the moment and need to share it.

To my Dearest,

I love you.

I love your smile, and although you cant always see it because of an unruly beard,i love those little dimples that accompany it. I know you hate your teeth, but I love when I see them because that means you were so happy or bursting with laughter you couldn't hide them.

I love that gleam in your eye when you said something and you are waiting for me to laugh. And when you hold your chest if you're being sly and silly.

I love your dopey ears, and playing with them when I sit next to you. I dont play with animals, but I image that is the same comfort I would feel playing with a floppy set of dog ears. Its childish I know, but I love it all the same.

I love holding your hand. I love how my hand fits in yours. I like how you are shy about holding it in public, I think its cute your social anxiety. Even if sometimes i wish you would try a little more to put yourself out there. Call me a masochist, but I love that little bit of panic in your eyes when something unexpected happens, but I love even more when I see a moment later you adjusting and overcoming your fears.

You are so brave. I don't always see it because the same things that scare you don't scare me. But know you are strong.

I grew up moving all the time, I grew up never knowing what was going to happen next, and did not have a lot of social stability because you would meet someone, become friends, and then they would leave you a couple months later. I think because of that you learn to make friendships faster, you learn to just put yourself out there, You form bonds quickly because if you didn't you would spend the next 20 years alone. You learn to just do it, Or else it just wouldn't happen. You go on a trip without notice to another country--or else you wouldn't get to go again. You get on that train--even though you cant understand any of the languages people are speaking or signs posted. You Just paint that room -- Even if you are leaving in a couple months and will have to put it back together, or else it would never feel like your home.

I say all this to say, you grew up different than me. I cant imagine having a friendship for years, I can't imagine living next to your cousins or aunts or uncles. I cant imagine staying somewhere for more than 3 years. And so I forget. I forget you were brave. I forget you left what was a certainty in your life. You left the view you woke up to for the last 30 something years. You left what family you had to come live with me, to be by my side. To do new things with me even though I know you hate new things that don't involve eating. You were brave, because I know you were terrified. And you did it anyways. you did it for me. And I love you for it. I wont pretend I don't wish you didn't come sooner, but I am happy you came all the same. And forgive me the moments when I forget that.

There are so many little things you do for me I'm sure you think I take for granted. I want you to know they do matter, and even if its not in the moment I think back and it makes me love you more.

I love that you bring me flowers as a sweet surprise, and always ask if i need something when you go into any store.

We stop for gas and you offer me a drink, even if we are close to home.

You pump the gas so I can stay in the seat. You take the trash from the doors and throw away old receipts in the cupholders. You always make sure there is air in the tires, and when I go to work my fuel tank is always full.

You carry the groceries for me up our stairs, the bags pilled high in your arms. And boxes balanced on top. And if I have to carry something, you give me the lightest bag of bread or chips.

You carry my work bag for me. And when you pick me up, I like that you will bring me lotion because you know my hands get dry.

When I'm cold you give me your jacket, even though I didn't listen to you to bring my own.

I love how you always text me from work to make sure I've eaten. Or how before you are done you offer to give me your staff meal even if i don't always want it. And if I don't answer your text right away about it, you still try to bring me something you know I like.

I love how you sing to yourself when you are cooking. I love how you always check the recipe over and over. Even though you already know how to make it, you still check because you still worry you missed a step.

I adore how you wash my dishes. That means so much to me you will never know. How you fill my water tank in the fridge with filtered water even though you solely drink from the tap. I love how you take out the trash, and I especially love how you now put a trash bag in the bin after.

I thought it was funny when you took your hunting knife with you to throw away the garbage because a raccoon jumped out of the dumpster. And since then you haven't taken the trash out once the sun goes down.

I love how you bring me water when I'm thirsty because I don't want to move. I love how you scratch my ankles when they itch so I don't have to bend to reach.

I love how you check your posture anytime you pass a reflection, or give a little smolder when you like what you see looking back. I love watching your confidence grow, and seeing your past self heal.

I love that when our dryer broke, you would carry my laundry to go dry it at the mat.

I love that I can hear you snoring in the other room, it sounds funny but I like to know you are breathing.

I love laying on your when we watch TV. The way it feels to rest my head on your chest. The way it feels when I can hear our heart beats synchronize.

I love that you work hard. I love that people at your job can depend on you. I think it's amazing you will work a 100 hour work period and not say a thing. You work so hard and you deserve so much more. I hate they don't pay you what you are worth. I hate that we don't have more time together. And I hate that I don't always have the patience or willpower to let you rest when you need it.

I love that you go to the gym. I love that you care about health, and want a lifestyle that will serve our bodies. I sometimes think your priorities are not where they should be, and I don't always agree with your methods. But I'm glad you are conscious of your health nonetheless. I want you to be around forever.

I love that you are a dreamer. Sometimes it's frustrating, and sometimes it's wonderful. Im glad you have ambitions. I just wish there was more follow through. But I think it's admirable you want to reinvent yourself. Please just stay close enough for me to reach as well. I want to help push you forward, but don't let me fall behind.

I love your humor. Sometimes its not the right moment, and you are not always great at reading the room. But you always manage to make me smile. And more times than not you have turned my foul feelings around and made me laugh instead.

I love that I can lean on you. There have been moments where I felt like a computer jamming up. Or felt so stressed I was frozen. And you were there. You cleaned my room for me. You ordered take out. Gave me laundry to fold so I didn't feel like I wasn't helping. You knew that was all I could handle, and you didn't make me feel small. I loved that.

You always tell me it will be okay. Sometimes it's frustrating when it feels like you are not paying attention to our problems in life, or our financial situation. But there are lots of moments when your calm demeanor cancels out the overwhelming static in my brain.

I love your voice. I make fun of you sometimes. The way you say certain words with your accent, or how you pretend you invented a new word that in fact is not. But your voice brings me comfort and it was one of the first things I fell in love with. And I wish I could hear it more.

I love when I cook for you, and the way you verbally say mmm or yum when you eat it. I love how you praise my cooking. You make me feel so loved when you do that. It makes me feel valuable, and like I can pay you back for always washing my dishes and living with my mess.

I know you love me. Please forgive me in my moments of doubt, the moments I question your sincerity because of my own insecurities. Yes, there are times when you don't show me love the way I need. There are times I feel neglected and unheard. But there are times I don't love you the way you need. Moments when you need space and support, but I poke and tear down.

You can be so stubborn sometimes, so quick to go on defense instead of listening. You stick to your guns, even if you agree with me mid fight. It feels like you are a brick wall sometimes. But, you are never too proud to apologize. Most instances you are the first one to do so. The first one to try and stop the fight. The one who wont leave until we have worked through it. The one who doesn't walk away. You always stay, even if I have to walk away I'm so emotional , you are there when I come back. And you never shame me for doing so, even if I'm the one in the wrong.

Sometimes things are hard, there are times I question. Times where I wonder if things would be easier some other way, Or with someone else. You have seen me at my lowest, and loved me even there. Have met me there and sat there until I was ready to get back up.

Yes, I wish we were rich. I wish we didn't spend so much money on doordash. I wish we had another car. I wish you spent less time on your phone. But despite all the bad we have shared together, we have shared so much good. We have grown together, and we have overcome together. Sometimes it does feel as though we are still in our trials area of life, but I am glad I'm going through it with you.

I could never leave you, you are the one I love. All of these things I've mentioned and there are still so many more reasons I love you. Some I might never share, but are still imprinted in my heart. I love you. And I chose you, to stay by your side, because you have stayed by mine.

Thank you my one and only.

With everything I am,

Xoxo

[mu-pt1]

fear

growing up isnt a feeling I ever expected to experience. I thought id have passed long ago. from the moment I realized that im just a little different at the ripe age of 10 to still trying to connect with life at the age im at now, ive been in a constant state of trying to fit in. so much so that I didnt plan much for the future. my only plan is to work with animals and if that doesnt work out, im not sure what else to fall back on. soon, ill be an adult. soon, ill have to actually grow up and stop falling back into my childish ways when things go a little wrong. as I sit in my room, candles lit, windows open staring out into the dark forest night, I feel a sense of peace though. im not sure what im doing but im doing it and im trying my best. I hope all goes well. I love my boyfriend dearly. I say that about a lot of guys that ive talked to/dated so I wont bother trying to convince you that I truly do love him. I think I love hard and suffer harder as a result of it. im fearful he may play me like the rest have but im fine with it. ill cry and then ill get over it like I always have. people wonder why I move on so fast but I have no choice. life wont pause just because something went wrong in my life as much as I wish it would. my number one fear is to be left behind and forgotten about. so to beat this, I move on quick in the effort of staying caught up. someone breaks my heart, I cry, and then I move on. I cant stay behind otherwise ill be stuck behind. if I could get the moment to grieve, I would. but unfortunately, life just simply doesnt work like that. Ive gotten used to the fact that people you love are going to hurt you. theres no way to avoid that. hiding from that and denying it will only have you denying yourself. denying and hiding from yourself is the last thing you want to do. I often time feel alone. sometimes I like it but then I remember that sometimes, I truly am alone. this is where that painful feeling creeps in. its like a pinch that you just cant stop. a rock in your throat that you just cant cry out. I wish that I could get people to pay attention to me but we're all living our own lives and who am I to beg someone to stop and look at me for just a moment? this is why I dont blame attention seekers for being the people that they are. we all want attention in some way. some of us just go about it the wrong way. I was one of them. I used to show off my body. when that wouldnt work, id start arguments. when that wouldn't work, id show off how bad I had hurt myself. when even that wouldnt work, id lock myself away and accept the fact that no one truly cared. to battle through that is a scary and very excruciating feeling. its a feeling I dont want anyone to have the pain of experiencing. this is why im so giving to others and always help whenever I can. from human to animal. I dont want anyone to experience what I felt. to think what I thought. thats why I made this account. to let others battling the same issues as me to know that there is someone who understands that pain down to the waking up with excitement and then realizing theres nothing to be excited about.

[valentinending]

I'm exhausted of this. I feel terrible for loving my friends as much as I do and getting so upset but I'm terrified they're all just going to leave me to rot one day soon. I wish I could stop letting people in because I'm literally ruining everyone's lives and it'd be better if no one knew me. I don't deserve love. Other people deserve my friends more than me. I don't deserve a check up. I deserve to get pushed off of a fucking roof. I'm a horrible person and nobody should feel forced to like me. That's a terrible fate. People can think I look nice, I don't care. But I don't deserve actually affection. I don't deserve hugs, kisses, none of that. I'm not even that good. I can't draw good enough, I'm too loud, I'm too hyper, I'm too childish. I just need to burden myself. I'm sorry to everyone who even sees this account. It won't happen again. I hope.

I don't even want someone to tell me "Oh, it gets better. I care about you." THEY'RE ALL THE SAME. THEY STEAL EVERYTHING AND LEAVE WITHOUT A WORD. NOBODY ACTUALLY CARES, I KNOW IT. I DONT EVEN FUCKING CSRE ABOUT MYSELF.

Once they get what they want they just go away. They don't even care if I don't have anything left. They just love to wreck me, and I know for a fact I could mess myself up already. I don't want to be loved anymore. Not like this. I'm not fucking stupid..

[squeiky]

God everytime i heae about the atrocites happening to gaza and palestine i want to puke. I wish i knew about this sooner. Spoke about it louder and louder and fucking been able to DO something.

I think i saw one more instagram post and now im just.... im crying this is digusting what is happening to people. I hate this. I never wanted go live in a world where this would happen yet here i am. I want to stop it!! This is painfull.

I am not from palestine nor do i know the people from palestine. But i really wish.. no i want these people to live fuffilling lives. I dont want them to be hurt like this. I hate this! I hate this! I hate this! Out of everything in the worldd i hate this the most. I hate this.

I want to do more than just sit here and. Hope someone on the otherside of the screen can do something.

I want to do more than just sit here and watch.

Its like i wish i could be superman, just to stop the bombs and the madness and beat up all the nastiness away.. but its childish to think that way and yet.. i just want people to be safe.

I think, if anything happens. From now on im going to imbue what knowledge i can into my art. Its the most i can do. Acknowledge existance. I wont let this go. I will never let this go. This is fucked up and horrifying and i will hate everyone who let this happen.

I feel so sad and i want to cry. I wish i could hug all those people, children, men, woman. Chefs, artists , teachers,jouranalists, ect.. i want to tell them they will be alright and the nightmares will be gone and everything will be okay. Thag the world will heal and theyll live through and they rebuild and theyll fight through and carry on and we can mourn and greive and live. That in the end palestine and their culture and family and homes and livelyhoods are still safe and kept and that theyll be okay.

But thats not what is happening. Abd it disgusts me. It angers me and appals me. It saddens me. I want to puke.

I never knew of isreal or palestine untill recently. I never really known much other countries and other histories. Now i do. And i am thourghouly horrified. And very sad.