#i worked for 6 hrs on friday got 4 hours of sleep then work 4 hrs 45 min then went home then went back and worked for another 10 hours

[frankieplsrelax]

i didnt go out w my sister last night bc i was so exhausted from work on saturday and i dont think im gonna get out of it again tonight but i have a headache and i just started my period and i can feel every muscle in my body like the seams where they meet and i wanna crawl in a hole and never leave so instead im gonna abuse my weed pen and take the hottest longest shower and hopefully be okay after<3

[dollsonmain]

Ok, Son's at school. I didn't realize they're getting out early on Thursday instead of on Friday, so I have a lot less alone time before another long holiday break than I thought.

Ugh. I do honestly like spending time with my Son, but not the noise videos he likes. They hurt. He's good about understanding when I can't take it anymore, though, and will either go in another room or is comfortable with me going down to the basement for a while.

I think maybe we'll listen to some of those records that I found unbearable together over the holiday. I think Son might like those, and while I don't like them, it doesn't mean he's not allowed to.

Still need to get a record cleaning kit.

-

That Guy is pushing both Son and me to get jobs somewhere in town without cars. I'm like, how we get to work????

He usually yells at me that I'm making excuses, then yesterday in the car yelled that he'd drive us, and had already said that.

He never said that.

He said he'd get Son a car once Son got his license, and then Son could take himself to work, and every time I mention how would I get to work he's said I'm making excuses and also said that I'd get the job first and then we'd figure out transportation which is illogical.

Not once did he say he intended to personally drive us to work, at least not until yesterday.

I don't think he means that anyway.

How's he going to do that? He leaves for work at 5 am, and if I don't start until like 9am to 6pm because I'd have to work full time to qualify for insurance which is what this is all about, I mean, I'm not sitting around my workplace for an extra 4-5 hours before my shift especially if I happen to find an office job and the office is closed until work time. That's just not possible in the winter.

Then he has to be home in time to drive Son to work after school but if he's not getting to work himself until 9 or 10 am because he has to drive me, then he's not getting home until 7 or 8 because it's a long commute (1 hr 15 minutes one way) to HIS work, and Son's work would probably be something like 5 to 10pm because he is a teenager in school.

Then he'd be having to go pick me up around 6 pm, and Son at maybe 10pm. They'd get home around 11.

The only other option is that I manage to stumble upon some legitimate work-from-home (I'd rather work outside and interact with people; I've been trapped in this house and isolated for 16 years) or work overnights, but he's vetoed the idea of me working nights because he doesn't want to sleep alone.

Depending on where Son and I would be working we might be able to manage our schedules such that Son goes to work right after school (5pm or so start time, gives him time to come home, shower, get dressed, and leave again) and then I start work when Son's shift is ending so that That Guy makes one trip to town to drop Son off at work, another to pick up Son and drop me off and that would be roughly 9:30 pm to 10:30 pm if we happen to work in the same place or at least nearby each other. He'd get home and get to bed around 11. Then That Guy has to come and get me at 7am which is right after Son gets on the bus (meaning That Guy would have to get up with Son in the morning to make sure he got on the bus because I wouldn't be there), bring me home, and then he might be leaving for work around 8:30 am assuming he did his morning get-ready before leaving to get me. Gets to work at 9:30, works the full shift so off work at 6:30 pm, then gets home at 7:30, though more like 8:30 or even 9 due to rush hour traffic out of the DC Metro area and at that point Son's missed most of his work shift...

It's the same as the insurance thing. He demands it happens then gets in the way of it happening and blames others for it not happening.

What he needs to do to make this work the way he wants it to is get at least one more car that son and I could share or for us to move somewhere the two of us can walk to work.

Either way, it's going to cost him money to not have to spend his money on us and he's short circuiting trying to figure out how to make this all work without him spending any money.

[carrickbender]

7

1. I'm sitting here drinking coffee, but I should be doing chores. It's a nice day, bug wants to do stuff later, there's email to catch up on... so yeah, do weeks really end?

2. Friday night was fantastic: got off work, listened to my mothers epic complaining while I took the flat tire off of her old suv, lost my phone, took it to town to be fixed only to find my phone on the bumper(IT WENT 10 MILES ON THE BUMPER AT 65+ MPH TO TOWN!!!!! PRAISE ALL THE GODS IT STAYED!!!!), got the tire fixed and back on the car in a very bad spot, went home, buggy got sick and I had to clean up his #2 mess<poor guy>, and I slept on the couch because sleeping is awful in a bed anymore. Great start, huh?

3. My current shame storm is making a hurricane look like a passing shower. No matter what I do, what I accomplish, how hard I try, it's just not enough. It's a stupid thing, and no matter how much I try to do the affirmations, they aren't working. #backtosquareone

4. I have a drs appointment tomorrow, and I'm dreading it. I've gained 5 lbs(or so my messed up scale says), but my pants fit better, so I dunno. Plus, there's the pain in other places thanks to fluid build up. Just another fun thing that's happened since I had bypass surgery. #insulttoinjury

5. I think after a certain age you should be able to trade certain things that still work on your body for things that would be more useful. For example, I'd gladly trade my still working sex drive for the ability to thrive on 3-4 hours a night of sleep. That way I could trade one useless thing for a useful thing. Pardon me for being slightly bitter. Im just over it. To be honest I wish I was working the 60-70 hour a week schedule and going to school like I was before. At least then I wouldn't think about it as much. #thanksihateit

6. My former employer is having a big meeting w/investors and politicians on the 25th, and theres rumours it might start back up. So im sending the HR manager my updated resume, and starting the conversation about a shift supervisor position. To be honest, I'd kill for it, and it would keep me on career trajectory. Fingers crossed.... I love my new job but I can't afford to work there.

7. I'm sorry to be such a negative person but I'm kinda reaching a hard spot in my journey. I have no real time to stop and process because if I did I think it would derail part of the rebuilding process for my life I started a few years ago. Part of that rebuilding process was prioritizing financial security, so even considering all the other stuff has to take a backseat... but how to do it when you're a novice at self care and are trying to reprogram your already f'ed up brain is another thing entirely. Bono wrote it best in the song Cedars of Lebanon: "The worst of us are a long drawn out confession; The best of us are geniuses of compression.You say you're not going to leave the truth alone.I'm here 'cause I don't want to go home".

Thanks for letting me vent. This week will be better... I think. Much love!

[greenbagjosh]

Friday 14 August 1998 - Saturday 15 August 1998 - The Mariä Himmelfahrt ride to Paris - Banlieu loop around Neuilly / La Défense - lovely pizza at Tony's along Rue Faubourg (Ledru Rollin) in the 11th district

Hi everyone

I hope you have enjoyed the photos and videos of my journeys this past week.

For those driving to work, how was the commute through school zones? Today it was at least a 15 minute ordeal to go just a quarter mile past a middle school, which should have taken no more than three or four minutes. School is open for some districts, so please pay attention to the school zones and slow down as necessary. And avoid the ones that take too long to get through.

I still have remaining stories up to 18th August 1998, last one will appear this Sunday the 19th.

Here's a rundown for 14th and 15th August 1998.

Friday 14 August 1998

- final day of work, work up to lunch time with regular job duties

- filling out paperwork of end-of-project

- leave work at 2:30 PM, shopping at Neuperlach Zentrum

- speaking to roommates to end my lease as I am going home soon

- packing up large bags to take to München Hbf to store for the night

- have dinner and go to sleep

Saturday 15 August 1998

- wake up about 6:30 AM, have shower and eat light breakfast

- take U-Bahn to München Hbf for the last time that summer

- collect luggage from locker and get to the EC Maurice Ravel

- train goes from München Hbf to Ulm, Stuttgart, Karlsruhe, Kehl, Strasbourg, Nancy and Paris Gare de l'est

- About 3:30 PM take metro line 5 to Bastille, line 8 to Ledru Rollin

- Check into Auberge Internationale des Jeunes in 11e arrondissement, leave luggage

- go to Paris Gare du Lyon to buy round trip reservations for 16 August 1998 TGV to Lyon Part Dieu

- take a RER ride from Gare du Lyon, then to Gare St Lazare and return by metro station Pereire Levallois

- dinner at "Tony's Pizza" at

- sleep because of the early train next morning.

On Friday the 14th August 1998, my contract to work at Widgetmeister International was to expire. The work I did was a good start, and my colleagues would have more time to work on the remainder of my project as more of the colleagues were returning from vacation. I would work on my normal job duties for the morning, but in the afternoon, I had to go over with my supervisor on what needed to be done next so that my colleagues could have a plan of action on how to continue. Also I had to notify HR on where to deposit the final paycheck. At 2:30 PM, I had a time balance of 0 hours, so I could leave the office for the last time and turn in my identification card.

I had to buy a few last minute items at the Neuperlach Zentrum, as the 15th and 16th were legal holidays, not just in Germany but also in France. I bought some food at the Kaufland store, 35 mm film and a couple of CDs at the Saturn Hansa. I went home to pack up, and let my roommates know that I was moving away. I let them have any unopened soft drink cans leftover. They were aware I was going to leave early the next day. After I packed up, I had the rest of my lunchmeat, cheese and bread, as well as whatever out of my soft drinks inventory I could drink, so that I would not have too much to carry around the next day. Then I went to bed.

Saturday 15th August 1998 came around, and at 6:20 AM I woke up. I was concerned that I could not carry all of my soft drinks along, as I had no space left. And is it particularly comfortable to carry around a cotton sack with soft drinks, in addition to a day bag, clothes bag and suitcase? I would have to leave some behind. I took my shower, got dressed, had a light breakfast and drank as many of the soft drinks as I could but not so much that I would upset my stomach. For long-distance travelling, that is not a good feeling. Before leaving, I had to write in 15 on top and 08 on bottom of the Eurail pass, leaving one space blank, hopefully for Sunday the 16th.

I left my key and went downstairs to the bus stop for line 37 to Arabellapark, and U-4 to Hauptbahnhof. At 7:10 AM I collected my suitcase and the clothes bag, then found the car of the Eurocity 67 "Maurice Ravel". I chose the one closest to the station but furthest from the engine, because at Stuttgart Hbf the train would switch direction, and it would be expected, that my car would be close to the front when arriving at Paris Gare de l'est. The train left, for the last time that summer, at 7:40 AM, stopping at

- München Pasing

- Augsburg Hbf

- Ulm Hbf

- Stuttgart Hbf <->

- Pforzheim

- Karlsruhe Hbf

- Baden-Baden

- Kehl Hbf

- Strasbourg

- Nancy

and then nonstop to

- Gare de l'est

While listening to the radio, the top-of-the-hour news mentioned that Saturday 15th August 1998 was a legal holiday for most of Bavaria, except for a few villages in northern Bavaria with a protestant majority that declared 15th August 1998 as a regular workday for businesses usually in operation on Saturdays. This would also be a legal holiday in Austria, France, Italy and some parts of Switzerland.

The train went to Stuttgart and changed direction. Until the train arrived at Strasbourg, I was in the frontmost car with the best window view. When the train was stopped at Strasbourg, removing the Deutsche Bundesbahn locomotive and changing it for an SNCF locomotive, resulted in four cars were added at the front. So I was no longer in the frontmost car.

On the radio, I heard a song that I did not know was in Hebrew until years later (I thought it was Arabic). It was Minister Moshe Montefiore, or "השר משה מונטיפיורי". It was sung by Yehoram Gaon. This was received on an AM radio station, so the reception was not particularly of good quality, more like hearing it from a cell phone call. It was almost 12 PM when I switched stations to hear the last German-language newscast before crossing into France.

After Strasbourg, the train went on to Nancy, and after Nancy, the train went non-stop and very fast, almost 150 mph / 240 km/h on average. The train left about 1 PM from Strasbourg, so it would be reasonable to expect the train to arrive in Paris by 3 PM or so.

Once the train arrived at Paris Gare de l'Est, about 3:15 PM, the walk to the entrance hall seemed longer, mainly because of my luggage, and at the time, I did not have a rolling suitcase. Not only that, but the metro train stations did not have escalators everywhere, particularly downward escalators, even at Gare de l'Est or Gare du Nord. It would make the journey to the hostel at Rue Trousseau in the 11th arrondissement near the Ledru Rollin station, a more difficult journey. I wanted to save money so that I could properly enjoy visiting Lyon the next day, as such, I stuck with the metro, no matter how many stairs I had to climb or descend, and make my Paris Visite ticket worthwhile. Therefore I took the M5 from Gare de l'Est to Bastille, and made the transfer to the M8 which went shortly to Ledru Rollin. I made sure at Bastille to be at the front for the M8, as Ledru Rollin at the east end had an upwards escalator to the fare gate.

It was a five minute walk from Ledru Rollin (usually it's two to three without luggage) to the youth hostel at Rue Trousseau. I checked in, and paid the nights of the 16th and 17th in French Francs, about 91.00 FF each night including breakfast. That's about € 14.00 per night in 1998 money. In order to book a bed, the first night is prepaid and that was already done by fax. I had a bed in the third floor, in a four bed room. The shower and toilet were in rooms in the hallway. I left my luggage in the room and put whatever else would otherwise fit in one of the room lockers. I think it was 5 FF for the deposit.

I had to take care of some business, namely buying two reservations for Paris Gare du Lyon to Lyon Part Dieu, and back, in first class. If for some reason they did not have spaces, I would have to pick other trains or cancel the journey altogether and waste the last day left on the Eurail Pass. The way to Gare du Lyon was not particularly complicated, it just required taking the M8 to Bastille and M1 to Gare du Lyon. When I arrived at Gare du Lyon, I was fortunate to be able to buy the reservations needed for the TGV train. I think they cost around 50 FF each.

I thought after that, I should take a ride on the RER D train. Previously I had only taken it in late May 1998, from Gare du Nord to Chatelet Les Halles, but this time I wanted to go from Gare du Lyon to one stop in the south, and towards St Lazare. The RER D went to Maisons-Alfort, about a zone farther than I expected. Just south of Gare du Lyon, there were many TGV trains parked. When I took the train back to Gare du Lyon, I found that the transfer stations of RER D and RER A, are on top of each other. To get from RER D to RER A, you need only to go downstairs. I have been to those two stations enough times, to notice that different soaps are used to clean the stations. The RER D has a banana soap used, and the RER A has a more floral smell. I don't know if that is the case anymore today. While waiting for an RER line A to Auber, I heard the last minute or so of Pascal Obispo "Où est l'elue" on the PA system.

At Auber, this is a big transfer station with long walkways between stations, in contrast to Düsseldorf Hbf where everything seems to be compacted. Particularly between Opera and St Lazare, it is a free transfer provided that you stay in fare zone 1. Otherwise you would have to buy a separate ticket for zones 1 to X. I took the Line L Banlieu train that went from St Lazare to Pont Cardinet and took the shuttle bus to Pereire Levallois. Then I thought, why not make a loop via Issy val de Seine, to La Défense with T2 and back to the 11th with RER A? I could get home in plenty of time to go to sleep. So I did that. For dinner I had a pizza at Chez Tony - as far as Google maps shows, Chez Tony on Rue Faubourg in the 11th arrondissement still exists 20 years on. He gave me to start, a glass of tomato juice, probably the best tomato juice I ever drank. I had a quattro stagione pizza and glass of Kronenbourg.

After dinner I went to my room, gathered together what I needed, including the tape recorder, blank tapes, camera and film, and whatever soft drinks I had. Then I went to sleep. Tomorrow would be the last day for meaningful travel as I needed to use Monday the 17th for last-minute shopping.

Just three or four more days for travel, hope you enjoyed as much as this last week's travel in 2018.

[timeoverload]

Today wasn't too bad I suppose. It didn't start very well because I slept through all 20 of my alarms. It's kind of ridiculous that I have to set that many as it is but I have a bad habit of hitting the snooze button. I usually get up around 4:30 or 5 but today I didn't get up until 6:15 and that's when I normally have to leave on Wednesdays.

I stayed up way too late last night but I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I had tried because it was too loud. The neighbors down the street were lighting off super loud fireworks until almost 1 in the morning. I was so pissed and I really wanted to go over there and tell them they were being rude but I'm not a confrontational person. I don't even remember falling asleep but I don't think I got more than 4 hours. I guess having 2 days off messed me up too and I also forgot I had to be there earlier. I work at 7 on Mondays and Tuesdays and 6:30 on Wednesdays and Thursdays.

Luckily I still had time to get everything set up and get breakfast before cases started at 7:30. I had 24 today but I got done with them by 3:00. I had time to sit down and eat my lunch too. It definitely was better than last Wednesday. I had 31 cases that day due to add-ons and there was also an hour delay because one of the surgeries took longer than usual so I ended up having to stay late and I was already exhausted. I was so grumpy after that and Thursday sucked.

I also got mad last week because that creepy guy I work with that won't leave me alone tried hitting on me again in front of a bunch of people and I basically had to tell had to tell him to fuck off. It was embarrassing. After that incident, he left the department for a while and when he came back he was clearly in a bad mood and was banging stuff around. It felt like he was trying to be intimidating or something and he also kept trying to find reasons to talk to me. I told him previously that I thought it was weird that he kept calling me beautiful and amazing and I tried to make it clear that it made me uncomfortable. I haven't shown any interest whatsoever so I don't understand why he keeps trying. I don't trust him. He doesn't seem to show a lot of respect for women. He's very desperate for a relationship and I'm not the only girl he acts that way towards. He cornered another girl in the stairwell to get her phone number. I'm not sure why she gave it to him since she said that she doesn't like him either. I would never give him any of my information. Most of the girls are uneasy around him and he likes to go around trying to get hugs. If he tries to say or do anything else to me like that I'm going to HR. He says he's planning on working there a long time and I can't wait to get away from him. At least I don't have to see him at all this week since he's out of town. I don't want him to come back but I'm happy that I haven't had to see him since he did that.

I got to leave work a couple minutes early so that was nice. I went to the store to get cat food and more snacks for myself. I have been eating so much junk food. I think I have actually gained a couple pounds which is good news. Some of my clothes are fitting better. I hope I can continue gaining weight but I also need to eat a little healthier sometimes. I don't even know how much I weigh right now since I don't have a scale so I guess I will find out when I go to the doctor on Friday. I'm also still planning on asking for her to increase my dosage of lamotrigine to 175mg a day since I've been taking 150mg for a while now. I am going to see if she will give me ativan or something for my anxiety. I have taken anxiety meds before and I don't really like them but lately I'm having a really hard time managing it. I haven't had blood work done in a while so I should probably ask to have that done too.

I'm going to make some dinner soon and get ready for bed. I'm sure I will sleep a lot better tonight and hopefully I actually wake up on time in the morning. I'm glad I only have to work one more day this week and tomorrow shouldn't be too busy. I'm going to do my best to make it a good day.

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries (3)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These go up to when I stopped mood journaling

(which I didn't start doing again until this last month or so, why I stopped? I don't know I was hypomanic-manic from OCT 2021 up to a majority of 2022; and got caught up in life that I forgot to mood journal. That -- and a lot o the time I felt I was doing "good" and when I'm doing good I forget to journal....lol. Anyways, seeing as I was hypomanic for months on end I, uh....wasn't as 'good' as I thought I was hghgnhghngh.) )

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], {5}, [6]

ok.

Wednesday August 4th 2021 (43rd)

took meds: yes (8:45 AM) 

Mood: 8/10

Energy: 7.7/10 (8:46am) 

Woke up at 6AM 

(2:43 PM: I still feel pretty good. Mood: 8/10, energy: 7.5/10) :))

I got a lot of work done today: reading, writing, exercising, turning in a job app >:))

...

Friday August 6th 2021 (45th) (2nd) 

taken 2 meds: yes x2 (9:48 am) 

(10:30 am) m: 6.5/10  e: 6.2/10 

(1:33pm) Had 1 shot of espresso in my frapp and dawg. If Jaemin gets

three shots of espresso homie really do be on another plane of existence.

(2 pm) m: 8/10  e: 7.8/10

(5:49 pm) m: 8/10 e: 7.8/10

Did you get work done? Baby you got 8/10 of your work done. 

Overall day: Amazing. Brilliant. Fantastic. My crops are watered.

...

Tuesday Aug 10th 2021 (49th) (6th)

taken 2 meds? Yes (11:20 am) 

Broooo I couldn’t fall asleep until 5:30am last night and had to be up by 9:30am for my food sensitivity appointment. Rippppp. I feel like crap. I should’ve taken a melatonin. 

...

Saturday Aug 14th 2021 (53rd) (10th)

taken two meds? Yes (1:07pm)

M:6/10  e:6/10 

I feel nice, pretty normal, a little wired sometimes. I was somewhat productive.

....

Monday Aug 16th 2021 (55th) (12th)

took 2 meds? Yes (6:32 pm) 

I don’t really feel good so I’m gonna try and go to sleep (it’s 9:50 pm).

Last night / these last few days I’ve been having trouble sleeping :(. 

...

Thursday Aug 19th 2021 (58th) (15th)

took two meds? YES (12:20 pm) 

Broooooo I read and read and didn’t stop reading yesterday. Exactly 24 hrs or a bit more—  solidly awake. 

...

Sunday Sept 5th 2021 (74th) (31st) 

took two meds? YES.(12:35 pm) 

Mood: 2/10. Energy: —— 

No will to do anything. Didn’t want to even get out of bed. Taking my meds helped, but I still didn’t want to do anything and slept all day. 

...

Tuesday Sept 7th 2021 (76th) (33rd) 

took two meds? YES (3:49 PM) 

The no energy/mood to do anything continues.

...

Wednesday Sept 8th 2021 (77th) (34th)

took two meds? YES (7:35 PM) 

I slept mostly all day when I didn’t need to…but now I feel a lot better than I did previously? 

...

Thursday Sept 9th 2021 (78th) (35th)

took two meds? YES (9:52 pm) 

Got obsessive with reading and lost sight of reality 

...

?????

NOTE: I black-out from thursday the 9th to Saturday the 11th. I don't remember sh*t that happened at all between that time, hence the '?????' -- Which was actually written down on my phone in the mood journal (LOL)

...

Saturday Sept 11th 2021 (79th) (36th)

took two meds? YES (1:36 pm) 

Hmm I feel okay? Maybe a bit tired. 

...

Sunday Sept 12th 2021 (80th) (37th) 

took two meds? YES (2:17 pm) 

I got some work done. But I’m still not in the realm of reality, it seems.

...

Friday Sept 17th 2021 (85th) (42nd) 

took two meds? YES (5:51 pm)

Really struggling to get work done, but I at least did a little bit today. (Seeing as I haven’t done sh*t in like 10 days :///) 

...

Saturday Sept 18th 2021 (86th) (43rd)

took two meds? YES (5:51pm) 

Got a shit ton of work done both with writing and I did all of my laundry!!

...

Tuesday Sept 21st 2021 (88th) (45th)

took two meds? YES 

(Basically skipped Monday cause I slept through Monday …) 

...

Monday: Oct 18th 2021 (115) (72)

took two meds? YES (12 pm) 

For the last two weeks I’ve slept only 4 hours each night. Sometimes less. But I’m not tired? 

...

Monday Oct 25th 2021 (122) (79)

took two meds? Yes (11:46 am) 

I slept perhaps 2 hrs last night (9am to 11:30 am) but God is with me and I feel good and awake. So praise God. Thank you Lord, Amen. <333

Mood: 7.5/10. Energy:7.5/10 

[End of Mood Journal Entries]

NOTE: Moving forward the rest of the entries are from my journal and then my online journal -- the mood journaling only continues around OCT and NOV of 2022

[Prev] [Next]

[cristinessi]

I SURVIVED THE WEEK!

Weekend. Finally!

I decided to write a review of this week so I can look back on the next coming weeks and see how far I have become or if there is an improvement in my week (because I am really really really hoping there is).

To share, I am currently working two 9 hour jobs. One from 6 am to 3 pm. And another one from 4 pm to 1 am, Mondays to Fridays. I finished and survived my first week. What am I thinking? I don't know. I just have a huge confidence that I can do it while not thinking what the consequences will be in my body. The things I only considered are the time and the job restrictions. I was so into the fact that I will earn more. I know I may be out of my mind and I admit I didn't consider all the effects it may have but here I am already and tonight will be the last shift for this week. 

Honestly, every single time I have time to over think, I think about quitting my second job. I kept on asking myself what have I got into, even if I know that there is no one to blame but me. Of course. 

I have multiple health conditions. I have asthma, I have Psoriasis, I am anemic + I have social anxiety. I am sleeping 3-4 hrs a day. And this has been giving me a headache everyday since. I don't feel well. I know that I have a weak immune system but I am trying my best to stay fine because I hate it when my immune system falls because it will trigger my Psoriasis and flares will come up. Whenever I see small flares, it's like giving me a warning. I also have low stamina. Walking for only a few streets will make me gasp for air. My chest hurts and I will begin to feel dizzy. Plus this. I know I should already take these things for consideration before accepting my second job but again, I know, I know. 

To give you a little backstory, I am employed in an Offshoring company in BGC, Taguig. It's an Australian Campaign, so it's normally a morning shift. Although our latest is 1 PM to 10 PM. My second job, on the other hand, handles global campaigns (and I just learned yesterday that I will be assigned on their Europe side). So, that will be a mid-shift. I will handle email and tickets which I strongly believe I can master soon since this doesn't differ much from my first job. Plus we also use the same tool too!

This week challenged not only my health, my ability to handle time and sleep but also to ensure that I can provide good quality scores too. I can see that somehow it is affecting me on how I do my job, and I know I can do better. I can be better! 

And I hope this weekend, I can stay productive but at the same time, it can help me clear my mind and align my thoughts again. I need to be more composed and arrange a schedule to help me become more organized. Tons of things to do next week because I have two check ups and back to back consultation come Monday and Tuesday. But none of that at the moment. I should enjoy every weekend and off because these will be my meditation days.

Anyway, you, how's your week?

[alostdandelion]

My covid Journey

It all started with an itchy throat that I thought would naturally go away if I eat spicy food, or to be exact, ramen. Disclaimer: it was a Saturday and we had gone to the grocery the day before where I bought around 6 pieces of chocolate cream bread from Breadtalk. Yes, I indulged myself with sweetness because yum. I ate what I wanted to, I even ordered buffalo and garlic parmesan chicken wings but that itchy feeling in my throat remained. PS: virus & bacterias love them sweets too. 😅

Sunday, after hearing that they'll put us under ECQ where even outdoor dining is prohibited made me ask my cousin out to eat with me. Yes, despite my throat being itchy. It didn't cause any alarm to me, as I wasn't feeling uncomfortable... YET.

After eating with my cousin, I went back to my place and spent the rest of the weekend watching or doing whatever.

I could still recall that Sunday night though, it was really warm I couldn't fall asleep. But then, suddenly, I shivered. I felt chills. I thought I didn't have fever, but that chilly feeling put me to sleep anyway.

Monday, March 29 - I usually get up at 5 in the morning but that day I got up at around 5:30, feeling weak which I mistook as being lazy. I thought I wasn't feeling well but decided to take a shower and go on with my day.

I did my thing as usual, but as the hours passed by, I started to feel cold despite wearing a sweatshirt. Usually when I wear that, I'd feel comfy already but at that instance, I was still shivering. I tried my best to avoid my officemate as I was afraid to infect her with my fever, if that made sense. I was totally avoiding skinship.

I was able to overcome Monday, and ended up taking Paracetamol before sleeping because at that point, I was well aware that I had fever.

Tuesday, March 30 - I still got up late, mistaking being unwell as being lazy. Damn I hate being lazy. But this time I had to take Paracetamol before going for a shower. I felt uneasy as I still had fever but I still went to work. Just wow.

I was alone this time which somehow relieved me. I was still shivering in the office despite wearing my sweatshirt, and had to take Paracetamol continuously as my fever was recurrent.

Wednesday, March 31 - I still got up late, took Paracetamol before going to the shower. This time I was worried. I had fever for 3 consecutive days already but covid didn't cross my mind, as the itchiness in my throat was gone by Monday, leaving only fever to deal with.

I still went to work because it was the end of the month but ugh, it felt really awful. I was shivering, and my nasal passages were somewhat uncomfortable. They felt dry and I had that feeling of catching a cold I decided to inhale steam from hot water. It was really awful I even decided to leave work early. I left an hour earlier because I wanted to take a rest already, to just stay in bed.

Thursday, April 1 - I got up late again. I was hesitating that time because I was really feeling unwell and uneasy. I still took a shower and got ready for work but the thought of walking to the office terrified me. I suddenly thought, "who will look after me if something happens on the way?"

I kept worrying about work, work, and my client. But... how about me? Who would worry about me?

I ended up crying. I cried real hard. It was around 6:30 already and I usually leave before 6 but at that time I was sitting on my bed, crying for myself.

"Nag-aalala ka sa work mo, kapag ba may nangyari sa'yo pananagutan ka?"

I dropped my bag and sent an email that I wouldn't be able to come to work, but instead, I'll come in on Monday. It was supposed to be a rest day but due to my condition I decided to just swap them. I thought I should really take a good rest that time because I was really sick. I even sent a voice clip to our HR manager because I really couldn't go to work that day.

I went back to sleep and stayed in bed the whole day. I thought taking a rest would result to my recovery but damn during that afternoon, I was crying again. I knew for myself that my fever was high. I couldn't measure then as I didn't have a thermometer but I knew it was because I felt really warm. I was even covered in blanket despite the sun shining brightly outside.

I was crying, I was saying whatever. Was it delirium? I was asking God and my late parents to just take me with them. I didn't like that feeling, and all I could do was cry and pray.

I was taking Paracetamol for my fever, I also didn't have the appetite to eat as I was nauseous.

Friday, April 2 - it felt the same. I still had fever, nauseous, I didn't want to eat but I needed to because I felt hungry. But this time, I was well aware that it could be covid and that I didn't want to infect other people.

I didn't want to trouble anyone, but I had no other choice but to tell our dorm's caretaker and ask for her help. She received the food deliveries in my behalf and brought them upstairs, to the 4th floor. I was really apologetic and thankful to her. The moment she knew I was sick, she helped me buy food and medicines, disinfectant, and other things I might need.

I knew I troubled her a lot. She had to go out a lot of times to buy the things I needed. I kept my door closed and wore mask when I go to the restroom. It was the least I could do. :'(

She helped me through those days of hardship. I still had fever, still nauseous, still no appetite, there was shortness of breath with little activity, and I was starting to cough. It was the weekend, when our HR manager decided to have me tested for covid. With me not getting any better, I admitted and accepted the possibility that it could be covid.

By Sunday my fever was gone but I listened to them and proceeded with the swab test.

April 6, Tuesday. I didn't have fever anymore but was coughing slightly. The med tech who did my swab test was a friend of our HR manager. She was kind enough to buy me lunch, courtesy of HR manager. The way she did the swabbing was gentle, her hands were soft and light it didn't feel painful at all. 🥺 thank you Mariane! ❤️

Right after being swabbed, I felt hungry I started to eat the burger meal she brought me. By this time I was feeling just fine I even drank the softdrinks. 😅 And throughout that day, I started to have the appetite to eat. I was hungry and craving for food. ❤️

I ate everything Jira brought me. Yes. She was bringing me food, healthy meals to be exact that was given by my landlady - her aunt. How thankful I am to have such caring and thoughtful people around me. 😭😭😭

April 7, Wednesday, my test result came out and it was positive. It was covid. Of course I had to tell them. They were all worried but I assured them that I was already feeling better, that I had passed the tough stages. 🥺

I actually hesitated to tell Jira as I was afraid that if she finds out, she wouldn't bring my food upstairs anymore but contrary to my worries... the more concerned they became. They even brought me warm lemon water, they even cooked soup and lugaw to feed me. 🥺😭

This went on, until this week, when I told them I was getting better already and that it's fine even if they didn't send food anymore. I felt shy already. 🥺 then our HR manager sent this food package because it was their birthday. Kkyaaa I was really happy while eating the lugaw because with every scoop, there's laman / meat! 🙈❤️

So as of this writing, April 15, I'm on the 8th day of my 14-day quarantine. How do I feel? I feel better, well, except for my growing wisdom tooth causing pain. 😅 But this pain is nothing compared to the pain I felt during that difficult stage of my covid journey. 🥲

I am still recovering, still eating lots of healthy food, taking vitamins, and eating sweets from time to time. 😅

My 14-day quarantine ends next week April 21 and I can't wait to return to work already as I can't stand the sight of my officemate being troubled because of me. 🥲

Always take your vitamins - twice, wash your hands, and do physical distancing. This virus is invisible, and could be just around the corner. I was complacent I forgot to wash my hands from time to time, lesson learned.

But this experience showed me the people who actually care for me. It made me realize that I'm actually loved and cared for. I cried a couple kf times because of this disease, but I also cried because I was thankful to have people look after me physically and virtaully.

How thankful I am that my case was mild, as I didn't want to further trouble the people around me. But imagine for other people if they get infected, some could get serious. 🥺

Thank You Lord for staying with me! ❤️

Stay safe and healthy! ❤️

Timeline 🥲

27 - itchy throat

28 - itchy throat / 12AM chills

29 - fever

30 - fever, mucus

31 - fever, mucus, headache, inhale uhhhh

01 April (Day 6)

4:14 - high fever

5:10 - medyo okay

6:19 - medyo okay nasusuka

7:13 - ang ginhawa :((((

02 (Day 7)

6:24 - sinat, sipon konti

8:19 - lagnat inom gamot, nausea

10:30 - gutom na gutom :((

11:21 - inom gamot. Okay lang.

4:24 - gutom

5:30 - lagnat

03 (Day 8)

5:25 - ubo, sinat?

8:14 - ubo, sinat

9:37 - antok 9:00 gamot

12:00 - ok lang

5 - 37.6

7:41 - 37.7

8:13 - 36.8

04 (Day 09)

3:36 - 36

7:21 - 35.5

7:46 - 36

10:40 - 36.1

12:36 - 35.8

2:13 - 36.7

3:07 - 36.8

4 - 37

4:53 - 37.3

8:26 - 36.6

05 (Day 10)

8:20 - 36

9:16 - 36.6

11:07 - 36.8

5:55 - 36.5

06 (Day 11)

9:10 - 35.8

10:30 - 35.2

07 (Day 12)

10:15 - 35.8

[fizzingwizard]

;______; just heard that from September we’re gonna have three students in our cluster who are under 1 year old... (5 in the school total)

aaahhh im exhausted just thinking about it

and whats crazy is in one of the classes with under 1 yos there is a kid who is between 1-2 yo and she cannot walk yet. We have been trying to help her learn and have begun wondering if there is some reason beyond her mother just didn’t really encourage her to walk before. (Like maybe she needs leg braces etc.) So far no news on that but this kid only drags her feet around, obviously she needs constant help, and there are 12 other kids in the class, two of whom are under 1 and three teachers, HOW are they supposed to do it???

and the class that will have three under 1s has two first year teachers in it, that makes me so nervous... They’re both awesome coworkers, this is no shade on them, but under 1s can be TOUGH, it’s SO easy for them to get hurt. idk it feels like an accident waiting to happen.

i’ve been at schools where 5 students was an entire class, if we’re gonna have this many under 1s we should just have a class for them, come on! I love them but they are twice the work of kids on year older than them.

Also the recommended teacher-student ration for 1-3 yos is 1:6, which we abide by, but I believe it’s actually 1:3 or 1:4 when the kids are belong 18/12 mos. Apparently the head office does not care.

These kids are not in my class, I currently teach 2-3s, however I am a long care teacher and I look after them during morning and after care. I do their nap and their snack and play time supervision etc. From 10-2 they’re part of their class, but the rest of the day they belong to all of us.

More work ranting under the cut because I guess I just need to vent to the air.

And we have a LOT of students now - two clusters of going on 30 in each, in very small classrooms where the teachers are expected to watch them like a hawk AND keep constantly busy with numerous tasks at the same time.

Plus our prep time has been cut down this year despite additional work getting put on us, and we have no extra help.

If one teacher is out sick, no one gets prep time.

Don’t remember if I whined about this before, but a month or so ago we had a meeting in which the leader said “If you find you don’t have enough prep time, that’s on you to manage your time better.” It was super condescending and annoying. I’m like, dude, my contract says I get 1 hour prep and 1 hour break. We never ever EVER get the full two hours (and I should mention this is never consecutive, it’s 15 min here, 30 min there, 1 full hour if you’re really lucky). It’s usually at most 1 hr 45. But a 30 min break is fine! I’d love to take a 30 min break. Almost never do. Way too busy.

Like, I won’t get into it, but the laundry list of Stuff To Do recently has been ENORMOUS. In my class, I have 19 students. One of my co-teachers is part time, meaning she’s not around to help during much of prep time, and the other is a leader meaning she’s constantly in meetings or doing leader assignments. They are both fantastic co-workers, but yeah, this means I do ALL the class stuff. I prepare all the crafts, I do a ton of the organizing, and I’m often the only teacher from my class available in the afternoons because part-time teacher went home and leader teacher is in a meeting. So I end up with a lot of the after care stuff.

We have to hand out these big projects that teachers are responsible for preparing for each student on 8/16. We know these are coming and prep for them as soon as possible, but like, I won’t get into this either lol, but it’s so hard. It’s time-consuming by itself, and made worse because all the school computers are crap (like takes-15-min-to-start, another 10 to open the browser, 5 to go to the website, then it freezes, then 5 more, another freeze, etc) and like you have 15 min break time hahahahaha.

I wanted to get such a head start that I just started doing what I could back in the beginning of the year but we lit can’t do the bulk of the work until a certain kind of envelope is delivered and that doesn’t come till summer for some stupid reason. Soooo our long prep days in April when there are no kids around... can we use those to prep for this project? Heck no!

Anyway. This year’s is due on 8/16. This coming week we are off for obon break. This year also, the company is doing the project slightly differently. Instead of staggering what class gives out their projects to their students when, we all have to do it at once. We are our company’s biggest school, sooo my honest thought is no one at the head office thought about us when they made this change. The other schools don’t have to stagger anyway, they have at most two classes. We have four.

So this means everyone is printing their projects at the same time. For one student, you need 10 sheets on A3 paper. For my class of 19, that is 190 sheets of paper. For four classes, we’re over 700 sheets total. THAT IS A LOT OF PAPER.

So I get to work this morning and boss says “Yeah so we’re out of A3 paper.”

!!!

IT’S DUE MONDAY.

There was a little bit left so I just charged and printed as much of my stuff as I could in the morning before anyone else could. Then, miraculously, another packet of A3 paper appeared out of nowhere, and we were able to print most of the rest of our students’ projects. (My coworker who is a leader has not printed hers yet because she is super busy and isn’t finished. Again, she’s an awesome coworker, I wish I could have helped her more, but uh, I’m also swamped and not taking breaks, so. Hopefully she can do it before we really do run out of A3 paper.)

Getting more paper is no big deal, it’s just that no one has the time, and this is due Monday.

So I was super stressed. Sooooo super stressed for such a dumbbbb reason. And I don’t understand why these projects have to go out on Monday anyway. Some kids don’t even come to school on Mondays. Like. Just make sure they get them next week, isn’t that good enough?? Why make us stress and panic.

Everyone else seemed fine though, I was the only one tearing my hair out because I’m the type who finishes everything a day early so I have a day to check it over... I am not spontaneous and I hate to rush...

I lit told my coworkers, because regardless of the paper situation we are still behind because we have not had any time to organize the projects, that I will just stay late tomorrow to do it. It’s the Friday before a break so I don’t mind too much. I am really tired tho and would of course rather just go home and sleep but. I’ve done this before. Finishing up this project will take 1.5 hours - 2 hours at the current state it’s in, IF I can just sit down and do it uninterrupted. (Have I mentioned these projects are HEAVY?? And there’s 19 of them?? It’s a big job just to take them out and start putting them together >.<)

So tomorrow evening that is what I will likely be doing -.-;

There are INNUMERABLE other STUPID parts of this project - the idea behind it is great, but the way we are required to make it is absolutely bonkers and desperately needs a revamp but does anyone listen to a preschool teacher? heck no lol

uggh.

I feel better after venting tho.

I like my job, I just wish humans in general gave a shit, not even about quality of life (since obvs that’s expecting too much lol, also as a person with privilege I’m aware I’ve already got it pretty darn good), but just about not making jobs that are ridiculous. Just plan them out better, sheesh. There’s no reason for all this running around. The projects don’t need to be printed. Or they don’t need to be so huge. They don’t need all this fuss and nonsense. They are a good idea, but we could do them in a way that would be sooo much less stressful.

(The funniest part of all being, it’s a project for the parents mainly, and the parents... don’t like it x’D No they really don’t. They are happy to have the project, but first they’ve got to get it home, and it is HUGE and HEAVY and UNWIELDY lmao. And some of them are carrying twin 2 year olds and both of their futons home as well, and we’re like “here you go, two giant projects for you to take home!” And the parents are like “thanks????”)

[yet-another-fan-girl9]

Who We Are (5)

Summary: With both your parents dead, you are sent to live with your uncle, Tony Stark. With your new friends, Peter and Ned, you investigate the people selling the alien tech weapons.

Warnings: Canon violence, language (?)

Word Count: 1339

THIS FIC WAS TRANSFERRED FROM MY WATTPAD

Chapter 5

You woke up in a place that was definitely not your room. You propped yourself up on your arms. There was an IV tube sticking into your left arm and a heart rate monitor beeping beside you.

The pain had stopped.

Looking around, you discovered you were in a corner of Tony's workshop. Someone had set up a mini hospital room around the bed you were laying in. A clock on the wall read 9:53, and, guessing by the lack of sunlight coming through the window, it was in the evening.

I must have been out for a couple of hours. You look around for your phone to see if Peter had any updates on the stone, but someone must have taken it out of your pocket..

"Hello, (Y/N). I will alert your uncle that you have woken up." FRIDAY's voice rang through the room.

"Um, yeah, okay, thanks, I guess," You mumble. Barely a minute later Tony burst into his workshop. Wasn't he just on a trip?

"Great you're awake," He said breathlessly as he pulled up a holographic file. He looked at the clock. "Two days and seven hours." He noted. "Close to last time."

"Wait." With two sentences your uncle gave you millions of questions. "Two DAYS? LAST TIME? I WAS OUT FOR TWO DAYS AND THERE WAS A LAST TIME?"

"Here." Tony tossed you your phone and ignored your outburst. "That thing was going off like crazy. Your boyfriend was worried." You looked at your phone seeing hundreds of texts from Peter.

"He's not my boyfriend," You mutter under your breath.

"He even dropped by to check on you." Tony looked at you. "You told him."

"Well, he told me about him being Spider-man," You said defensively.

"Teenagers." Tony put his head in his hands. "Can't keep a secret."

"Can you answer my questions now?" You shove your phone in your pocket. You'll talk to Peter later. "I was out for two days? There was a last time?" Tony sighed and closed the holographic file before answering you.

"You know why you never really came here when you were younger?"

"I remember you and my dad had a fight."

"Yes, we did. You all had come during one of your school breaks. It was just after the battle of New York, and you were about seven or eight. I told your dad that you three should come another time, but he had been planning it for a while. The streets were mostly cleared of debris, but you could never know what would be in corners of small alleys.

"We were sitting outside, having lunch in one of my favorite little Italian places when you wandered off. It was in a small plaza, but you wandered into an alley. There was a flash of purple light from the alley and when we got to you," Your uncle took a deep breath before continuing. "When we got to you, you were unconscious. We took you back to the tower and, in two days and seven hours, you woke up. Your father and I got into an argument about it and you left."

"Oh." You tried to wrap your head around it. "Wow."

"When you were in your little coma I ran some tests, this time too. Last time nothing changed, but this time-" He opened another holographic screen and sat next to you.

"You're going to have to explain this to me because I don't understand anything on here." The screen showed two strands of DNA side by side.

"This is you last time." He pointed to the one on the left. "And this is you now." The one on the right was slightly different. "It's not a big difference, but something in you must have changed." You nodded as Tony talked. "That must have been why you were in so much pain, your DNA was rewriting itself. I didn't want you messing around with alien tech because I thought it would trigger something in you from the first time. And I didn't want you to get hurt." You were surprised by this. Seeing the soft side of Tony Stark is a rare occurrence. "You're the only living family member I've got left, (Y/N). I don't want to lose you too."

You realized that you were in the same position with your uncle as your last living relative. Seeing your uncle sentimental was strange. "So what do you think changed? I don't feel any different."

"Well, I guess we just wait until you grow a tail or something." Tony stood up.

"You're joking, right?" You watched your uncle start to clean up. "Tony tell me you're joking." You aim the words at him.

"I'm joking," He replied, his back to you. Maybe it was your imagination, but he sounded quite monotoned. When Tony spoke again he sounded normal, "You should eat some real food, and get some real sleep. You have the bus to DC early tomorrow. Regionals for the Academic Decathlon, nice."

"How did you know about that?"

"I read your school record, they update those things fast. Also Spider-kid sent a text about it."

"You read my texts?"

"Just that one, it was at the top. You should go pack."

"I don't think I can go. I haven't even gone to one of the practices. There was one yesterday, but I was... you know. I probably won't be competing."

"Still, you should go, (Y/N). It'll be fun. You can make friends with other people who aren't Spider-boy."

"But I-"

"Go."

"But-"

"GO."

"Fine." You took the elevator up to the kitchen, where you stocked up on food, then your room. Laying on your bed you finally decide to read the texts from Peter.

(Wed. Oct. 11) Peter - Hey, (Y/N). I just wanted to check if you were ok. Text me when you can. I'll keep you updated.

(Wed. Oct. 11) Peter - the craziest thing just happedn. So two guys came to the school and were lookign for thes tone and i think they work for the person whos running the waeapons thing and i put a tracjer on one of their shoes so ned and i ca nsee where their secret base is. Keep you updated.

He must have been excited because of the many typos in the text. The next couple of texts were locations: Brooklyn, Staten Island, they left Jersey, they stopped in Maryland. The following texts were him checking if you were okay. Answer me when you can.

(6 hrs ago) Peter - I dropped by the Avenger's tower after school today to check on you. They wouldn't let me past the first floor. I have your homework whenever you want it.

(4 hrs ago) Peter - They're still in Maryland btw

(4 hrs ago) Peter - The guys I was tracking.

(4 hrs ago) Peter - I don't know how i'm gonna get there. Text me when you can.

(42 min ago) Peter - I know how i'll get there. The academic decathlon is this weekend in dc. Are you going?

The texts stopped there. You quickly text back, hoping he was still awake.

You - Hey Peter, i'm fine. I think.

He answered back not even a full minute later.

Peter - What happened? Can you still go to dc?

You - I'll tell you what happened tomorrow.

You - Tony convinced me that i should go. But i havent even gone to a practice.

Peter - Mr. harrington is nice. He'll let you come

You - I probably won't do anything

Peter - You can help me take out the bad guys.

You - Ok then... i'll go

"(Y/N),Tony wants me to tell you to go to bed immediately." FRIDAY's voice suddenly echoed through your room, starling you.

"Okay FRIDAY, thanks. I will in a sec."

You - I've gotta go. Tell you everything tomorrow.

Peter - See you. Glad youre feeling better.

You smile, put your phone away, and asked FRIDAY to turn off the lights.

[lockdownuk]

Lockdown Diary Part 8

A personal account during the lockdown in the UK due to the Covid-19 outbreak.

23/03/2020 8:30pm Boris Johnson, UK Prime Minister, gives a live address to the nation to, effectively, put the country on lockdown to stem the spread of the deadly coronavirus strain, Covid-19.

Many of us have been self-isolating for days but this latest development within the UK in reaction to the pandemic feels very serious and very scary. I decided to keep a simple diary and where better but online.

Day 211: I stayed up till 5am last night. The last thing I watched was Ronny Chieng, a Malaysian comic in the states. It was a Netflix comedy special and bloody funny. Other than that, a quiet night, nowhere near as fucked as Friday night. As I type, I am about to finish off spicy af sausage cassserole for tea and watch a film - all quite sedate. I’ve work tomorrow, after all!

Day 212: Every time I try and watch something on Amazon Prime, it errors or doesn’t load so I have to uninstall and reinstall, which is a pain the fucking arse. Glad I don’t pay for it. I watched half of the Tom Hanks film last night, A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood, based on a real life children’s TV actor. It’s good but weird. I’ll finish it tonight. Jo Broom called and told me (well, reminded me of, actually) some good info, especially about insulin lasting 4 hours and the liver producing sugar for when you wake up). Day 213: I didn’t watch the rest of that Tom Hanks film last night, doing so right now. I got a call @5.30pm from Tall Tom asking to pop round which he did (social-distancing at the front door). He dropped of a canvas print he’d ordered of on eof my pictures from FB. Fucking gobsmacked! That’s how much he likes them. I am still in shock. What a brilliant thing to do! Day 214: Finished  A Beautiful Day in the Neighbourhood last night, I enjoyed it. Today has been standard. Half way through the third week back from furlough and, while I am still very glad to be working, I now also relish pasrt of being paid 80% for fuck all! My walks have been tentative today, I have done something to my right ankle, it feels sore but OK when walking at pace. My phone and Google Fit are playing up - I am suddenly walking 8km/h! Day 215: Phoned Dad - Rita sent an email a couple of days ago telling of a lump in his ear which he had removed and they are going to check for cancer. When I spoke with him it was usual dad - nothing to worry about. He spoke very highly of the staff at Stamford Hospital where he had it done. They took skin from his nesxk to put on his ear lobe where they performed the op.  I had pie and veg tonight. It’s a real change and I am stuffed as I type this. SB pee-ed me off at work big time late this afternoon. Diary updated! Day 216: Dan’s in court today for his drink driving escapade. I think he’s pleading not guilty - I’m not sure, neither has he been each time I have talked to him about it. It was scheduled at 4pm and he’s meant to let me know how it went. As I type, it’s just gone 9pm. Fuck knows what’s happening. I guess he’ll let me know in his own time. Meanwhile, work was OK, nothing hectic, I am on my first Friday beer, just about to eat meatballs and pasta and watch Taxi, a film written by Luc Besson. End of my 3rd week back and it’s a bit like I wasn’t furloughed for 6 months!

Day 217: I switched off that Taxi film after 30 minutes. It was bollocks. Dan got a 20 month ban (reduced to 15, if he does a course, which he says he will) and £1100 fine. At least it’s over and done with now. I got up at gone 2pm today. I have to cut this late sleeping habit out at the weekends. That being said, it’s 8.40pm, just about to dive in the shower, eat and then get on it. Clocks go back later so I’ve an extra hour to play with!

Day 218: Still managed to stay up stupidly late last night, up at before 1pm (but in real terms, that’s just before 2pm!)  Had a video chat with Fog - I was meant to go up to his yesterday to listen to the footy but, ‘cos I was up so late, I didn’t. Anyway, during our chat, we’ve decidied to go to Honolulu when it’s safe, specifically to go to McDs. It was a bizarre conversation - I can’t actually remember the details!

Day 219: The lady (I think it’s a lady) from the Oundle Chronicle emailed to say she didn’t think William (the student) has contacted me (he has but is fucking useless), so she’s found some questions for me to answer and wants me to pick my favourite 4 (hi-res) photos. I’ve written a couple of paragraphs that answer her questions and I was to pick photos that have had the most likes on FB - finding that info out, without trawling back over my posts, is easier said than done! Got the car tyres sorted today - an advisory from the MOT that Julian did last week.. I do like Oundle Tyre and Exhaust centre. Work was fine. Marke had to deal with Eileen Baxter and chatted to me about it. I had it all the week before last. She’s delightful but the least IT savvy person I have ever known in a workplace whereby a computer is integral to the role!

Day 220: I’ve been doing press-ups and toe tocuhes after each exercise for a little while now. 7 press-ups, doesn’t sound much but when I did it before and rapidly increased the numbers (up to 22), it played havoc with my shoulder which I thought was becoming frozen. So, I will icrease the amount slowly. I can just about touch my toes now. When I started, I barely got past my fucking knees! Work was standard today and I had an interesting chat with a recruiter about a job at Jagex, a computer game firm responsible for Runescape which is, apparently, a big deal. Posh playing tonight. At one point, when leading at home to Burton we were top. Now it’s 2-2 with minutes to go and we’re third with fucking Lincoln top. Day 221: I sent an email to Shirley from HR (re) asking about the salary discrepancy between mine and Mark’s. She’s going to talk to me tomorrow about it. I had a lomng chat with Barrzy tonight, always good to catch up and reminisce. I’ve just had two sausage rolls (on the cheap shelf from Co-Op, Dauphinoise dotatoes (ditto), mixed green veg and onion gravy for tea and I am fucking stuffed.

Day 222: Typing at gone 4pm on day 223! Had a meet with Shirley. No dice on the pay until it can be reviewed next year. All pay reviews are on hold. She explained that the salary offer was based on available budget rather than a pay grade or bench mark. Day 223: Typing this very late on day 224. Usual Friday. Work, beers, bed at 5am. went up Fog’s for a couple and watched Train to Busan. Day 224: I swore blind, when I woke and got up (2.24pm) I would have a day off from exercise. Stair climb and 10km walk done! Leigh from Oundle Chronicle messaged chasing my answers for the article. Last night, someone posted such great pics on the Oundle Chatter group that it makes me think twice about posting my photos. I tell everyone I just point and snap with my phone camera and, while it is the phone camera, I do so much pissing about with Google photos I feel like a con, it doesn’t sit well with me. Made lasagne for tea. Fucking lush - lardons, scothc bonnet and an Oxo cube really helped, I think. It’s 11:44pm as I type, 15 mins and I’ll deliver K’s birthday card. Not sure what I am hoping to come out of that, really. Just can’t let go! Day 225: Stupidly late one again last night. Up at 2pm. I’ve responded to Leigh at the Oundle Chronicle - why I make it so hard, I do not know, I really overthink some things.  Eye appointment tomorrow, 9.50am, which Sam, Mr. Minos’s secretary offered me when she called on friday. Sueanne was very cool about it when I checked it was OK. So, now I am fretful of what will happen! More lasering, I reckon.

Day 226: Eye clinic was not great. I need lasering in my right eye, so that will be both eyes. Mr. Hussain, the consultant that ive seen loads including today, explained that the field of vision is affected that it can mean I am not allowed to drive. In one eye it doesn’t matter, in both the DVLA will order a test and, if the field isn’t wide enough, means I won’t get a license to drive. Shit! K WhatsApp to thank me for the card plus some ‘chat’ which ended uninvitingly (i.e., end of conversation!). I just replied that I was glad she liked it (the card),

Something is up with my left thumb, it’s sore by the nail, as if it’s ingrowing, but it isn’t. Fuck knows what it is and it’s really bothering me, very painful. Pretty shit day, all in all. Day 227: Called the surgery about my thumb and Dr. leijsen called me back, asked some questions about the photo (I had to take a pic and send it in), including whether there’s any pus, and then said she’ll prescribed anti-biotics. Later today, it started to leak pus, and feel better! But, it’s still not right so I’‘l take the course. Looks like I have got an interview for the IT support job at Jagex, got a call from the recruiter today, just need confirmation. Spoke with Shirley from HR about the fact I might not be able to drive in the future. She was pretty cool about it in a kind of cross-that-bridge way and suggested I run it past Sueanne.

Day 228: Spoke with Sueanne about my impending eye lasering which is on Friday ay 3.30pm, the hospital called to let me know, she was very cool about it and even suggested I take Monday off! More importantly, she spoke of the non-driving as no factor to worry about job wise, especially as we are all WfH nowadays. I have an interview at Jagex, well, Zoom, but it is on Friday, 1pm.

Day 229: Told Mark at work about the lasering adn potential non-driving. I think it shocked him a little. I am worried about tomorrow, big time, although it’s just lasering - I’ve had it done before. I cannot wait for this time tomorrow (9.40pm). I have been trying to concentrate on preparing for the interview but it’s all too easy to get distracted. Day 230: Interview went OK. Eye appointment was horrible but bearable. The doc wants me to book in for more laser but, only so it can be reviewed and ‘topped up’ if need be. Better than a going for a check up and having to book another laser appointment thereafter. It’s near enough 9.00pm and I am going to enjoy a bear or two.

Day 231: No after affects to speak of from the eye appointment but I know lasering has occurred. It’s like I haven’t got the full set of cells recieve information from yje pupil. It’s intangible but still perceptible. Great walk today, took some cracking photos - very pleasing. More booze and draw tonight and, hopefully, up tomorrow before the 2.20pm wake up time of today. Posh beat Oxford away (1-2) in the FA Cup 1st round.

Day 232: 2pm by the time I got out of bed. I’ve got to curb this habit. Missed calls from Dad but answered one from Rita just before going for a walk when I promised to phone tomorrow. Day 233: I think SB wa surprised was at work today. I ordered two rugs (from irugs.co.uk). They are 8x5″ and were 75% off, £58 ea. One for under the table (desk) and I put one in the spare room. Hopefully keep the house a tad warmer. Getting into Barry on Sky Comedy. Barry’s a hit man. It’s darkly intriguing. I took a couple of pics of a solitary poppy today, icuding a couple of macros. They turned out OK so will post one on Wednesday (11/11).  Talking of photos, two people (one is Alison Brighty) asked for a jpeg of one of the photos I posted on Saturday so they can get it printed. 

Day 234: Spoke with dad today, let him know the situation with my eyes which, I think worries him, so I hate to do it but, also, he needs to know, just in case.

Day 235: The poppy pic I posted was very well received, over 160 likes on the Oundle chatter page and Jo Langford wants the original (why she can’t take it of FB?) to print off, which is nice. I am working on Saturday - gotta attend a meeting at 8am. FFS! SB also agreed for me to back on call, cool!

Day 236: Average sort of day. I really wish I wasn’t working on Saturday! OH, Dan messaged...first I’ve heard from him for over two weeks...he’s got two days of so he can watch all the US Masters which started today, and was good watching. So, not that average a day afterall, now that I think back on it. Day 237: Woke up at 9.14am today, yikes! Messaged with Dan a lot as he is home watching the US Masters...told him abbout my eye issues and the fact there’s a chance of losing my driving license. Also, in a silly facebook post and comments, about me not being able to drink tonight ‘cos of work tomorrow, Scottish Ricky asked if I was OK. I replied, not really, meaning that I’m pissed off I can’t get pissed. He messaged to say if I ever need to chat. Fucking great bloke. I rang him to let him know I was not being serious on FB and we chatted for 30 mins or so. Top man. still, it does remian that I am missing a beer this Friday - roll on tomorrow night!

Day 238: Work thsi morning was OK, finished at midday. Watchung golf, having abeer or two right now (just gone 8pm). Posh lost away to Crewe 0-2. Day 239: Up at 2pm after a good few drinks last night (and some silly video posting on FB of me  trying shit lager - Corrs Light - with hot sauce). Just settling down to watch Dustin Johnson win the Masters - he’s -20 with 2 to play, no one near him.

Day 240: I ordered some slippers from Amazon that arrived today. They were also returned today. I’m destined to never find a decent, non-expensive pair.

DJ did win the golf.

I watched Jojo Rabbit this evening. A first class film.

[struggling-to-be-healthy]

August 21, 2019

Today started out a little rough. I was really tired and just wanted to sleep, so that is what I did. It didn't help that my boyfriend and best friend were working. Around noon I got a call from my boss saying I couldn't start work tomorrow because the girl I'm driving is in the hospital (I drive van for a school district) and might be for a few weeks. He said there is another run I can do, but it doesn't start till after Labor Day. I'm already really struggling money wise and this isn't helping. So I slept more.

Eventually I got up to eat lunch before going to pick my best friend and boyfriend up from work. After that my boyfriend and I went to the gym. I did manage to get a blue dot for the first time this week, so that is an accomplishment.

Another job opportunity did present it self, but I just don't know. It is only guaranteed for 3-6 months. It is full time Monday-Friday with mandatory overtime, up to 20 hours a week. So I could end up working 60 hours a week. It's $15/hr and then once you hit overtime it is $22.50/hr. That is decent money for someone with just a HS diploma around here. I just don't know if I could handle working that much. I've only worked a 40 hour work week for like a month my entire life. All the company wants is for people to pass a background check. I don't even have to go to an interview. I have to make my decision by Friday or Monday and I just don't know. I need money, but I don't want to kill myself for it.

Anyway, sorry for the long post. If you read it all, thank you 💜

Goals for the week:

Blue Dot: 1/4

Step Goal 3/5

64 oz. of water 3/7

Gym 3/3

[piamii]

Taking a mental health day from work today but was really conflicted about how to word it.

Last year I took a few mental health days but there were 6 of us so maybe it was less conspicuous

It’s only me this year and I for some reason keep feeling this push pull with my supervisor to be close and honest with her

Last night I was feeling ok about work. But after once again not sleeping properly I feel like somethings up with me

I’m feeling all the ways I used to feel about my mental health

Being small is not okay, it’s not okay to let go, I’m responsible for all of my clients progress and safety

Which is true in a way but

I also have beeen thinking about the difference between me and my supervisor

She’s the only person I see on a regular basis. Like I see her 4 times a week

So I don’t know how to be myself, a postdoc

I keep comparing myself to her

I wondered to myself would anyone else take a mental health day in my position?

Who cares, others aren’t me

It’s like I forgot I’m extremely sensitive and have been sobbing every day and not sleeping well at all during the weekdays

My nutrition and hydration and shit has been ok, so I’m not getting sick which is the weird part

Im so incredibly emotionally constipated

There are so many incredibly destructive thoughts in my head right now that haven’t been addressed

Things have just gotten increasingly harder for a long time now and I can’t tell where adjustment starts and my dysfunctional mental state ends

Is it really ok for me to say work is too much?

Does it make me pathetic?

Didn’t I feel this way in all previous years too?

2nd year, it wasn’t like this but at least I was more honest with myself about how anxious and nervous I was about work. I definitely took it easy and complained more often. I slept poorly frequently on clinical days and would feel really angry about it. I don’t think I got sick more than once that year

3rd year i wasn’t sleeping quite as poorly but still had sleep problems, hated my commute. That was the year I kind of had to start blocking people out of my life, like not completely but was so down and exhausted that I couldn’t function socially outside of work and school. I didn’t get sick much tho. Definitely noticed SAD symptoms starting this year but to be honest felt somewhat depressed on and off through early winter until spring which is I guess the colder darker months in OR. I think I had some SI but it was towards the end of winter

4th year was when I had more somatic issues. My sleep was honestly not bad that year comparatively speaking but when m and I broke up during internship application season I had a bunch of health issues that resolved shortly after my interviews ended. Tbh internship interviews were a nice reprieve from the dark slump that probably would have hit me if I had just done school in the winter. I had my first sinus infection in spring and went to see Slushii anyways Hahahha.

Internship year... I had a sinus infection too and got a cold maybe 2 other times. Last year was the most I’ve ever gotten sick. I took a mental health day maybe like 3 times and actually used sick days too. I want to say this was the hardest year for me mental health wise until this year in terms of symptoms but the best in terms of self care. By like April/May I was feeling really good about life. Maybe it’s the weather here too idk

This year feels so much harder than the other years combined. I’ve used one sick day and two mental health days and I’m having a hard time understanding where I’m at mental health wise in conjunction with who I need to be to do well at work. It feels like I’m growing at an unmanageable pace. I’ve had the most frequent SI I’ve ever had in my life which is somewhat alarming to me. I’m safe don’t worry but I’m just saying the thoughts coming into my head. My sleep is getting reallynfucked up over these last 2 weeks. I sleep like a baby on the weekends which makes me feel like it’s stress related. On one hand I’m acclimating to this insane amount of stress and on the other hand it feels like every day I’m being stretched open and carved out.

I’m not even ruminating that much before bed anymore. Like I’m not actively distressed like I used to be when things hit me hard last year. I’m just constantly unhappy and anxious this year which I feel like is my lot in life right now. My self care has gotten much better last year and this year, but this year it’s been harder to find ways to relax. Things went downhill really fast, when the seasons finally changed here and I started seeing 4 of my clients in the field. I am most definitely consistently working over 40 hrs a week now. I tried really hard last year to work less whenever I could and honestly the agency was pretty good about giving us a reasonable workload. But now it feels like I’m meeting the real world, where work just comes at you and never says sorry. You had to do extra and stay longer this week? Sucks for you. You have to completely uproot your already untenable schedule because one of your clients has really a really complex risk presentation? Welp that’s the price of doing this work.

Like when I was told the weeks here typically don’t go past 40 hrs I feel like I was lied to. I feel alone and singled out bc I’m the only postdoc this year. I want to know how C felt 2 years ago. If there were 2 of us I feel like I’d be having an okay time. Can you fucking believe they had a hard time building to full caseload last year? It cannot be just me in this position. I want to give up every day.

I don’t feel protected I don’t feel like I can ever let my guard down. There is no one I talk to regularly that I can be honest with. I don’t have the energy to relay this information to the people I do talk to regularly which at this point is my supervisor and M. And like hell im going to tell my supervisor this stuff.

Is this the real world?

Something tells me it is, but I have to find a way through it somehow

I’m still debating about this one client. She’s on my mind a lot and I’m scared which is probably a parallel experience to what her family is experiencing.

The fuck you mean our ethical duty? What am I supposed to take away from that convo? I know I have my own voice and opinion but that made me feel really bad for not doing exactly as you said. I know I tend towards the anxious paranoid side of things but that really scared me because instilll can’t think straight about this client and I sure as hell cant go to you.

The relationship between e and I has changed too, I think she’s overwhelmed too

Something that keeps popping up over and over again is- how fucking awful it would be for a client to complete suicide

I know it happens and it’s time I face that this could happen

It’s a terrifying thought and I almost don’t want to tell anyone that I’m having it

It feels shameful and dangerous to think about, because if I can’t handle it who could?

Who can contain this for me and tell me it’s okay? I don’t want to fucking hear that I should do more

It’s a complex mess of emotions inside my head. I understand why I would need to do more in this situation but there’s no room for it. I want help in trying to balance but my schedule is already unbalanced and bringing me into a dark place emotionally.

What if because I took today off no one sees my hospital patients all week?

Friday is going to suck ass if that’s the case

I could ask my supervisor directly to see them

But I want to be small today

And that would take a lot from me

How does the psychology service work at the hospital during Xmas break?

Uhhhh....

Shit.

I’m scared for some stupid reason that someone will make me stay during break or I’ll have to work some crazy stupid long hours on Friday

I hate ongoing patients bc they still need to be seen but it’s kind of your choice whether or not to see them

It’s like adding an automatic to do to the list every time I’m there but the task takes 2 hrs at least

I’m always scared I have to stay late at the hospital, luckily the latest has been 6:30 but I’m terrified every time I go in that it’s going to be longer

This is new for me and it’s ok to get freaked out

To not have a clear idea how much I am going to work each day and each week really puts me off

I feel pathetic because aren’t there a lot of jobs that are unpredictable like that? Especially once you become salaried ?

My stomach is starting to hurt

It’s weird because I haven’t gotten any somatic symptoms this year but I’ve also been sobbing my eyes out every day so maybe that’s why my body is feeling okay. I haven’t really cried the last few days because I’m just very tired of crying at this point, so maybe that’s why my stomach has been hurting a bit more

Every time m says something nice to me, hell anytime anyone says something nice to me I start to cry and I’m just so fucking done with crying and feeling out of control just to have nothing change and things even get harder at work

Fuck!!!!!

I haven’t properly dealt with this terrified feeling

I have to tell myself this feeling is informative but separate from reality

I’m so fucking scared.

[calorieworkouts]

I tried working out every morning for a week—here`s what I learned

You could call me the opposite of a morning individual: I hit snooze a minimum of 4 times (to awaken at the really eleventh hour feasible and afterwards thrill to prepare), can not work up until I have my almond milk latte, and am an overall grump till my system's up as well as running. The suggestion of a pre-work health and fitness regular never ever felt feasible.

But, in the name of interesting journalism, I volunteered myself (surrendered my body, instead) to function out in the a.m. for an entire week. That's not to state my choice was made purely in the name of torment-- there are reputedly severe benefits that include exercising initial thing.

' Exercising in the morning burns a lot more fat than later on in the day.'

For beginners, 'if you exercise in the early morning after not eating all night, you're mosting likely to shed the carbohydrates and sugars kept in your muscle mass and liver,' states George Welch, MD, a cardiologist with Manhattan Cardiology. 'When you're done shedding that up, you melt fat-- that's why exercising in the morning burns more fat than later in the day.'

Studies have actually likewise shown that the a.m. sweat sesh can increase your metabolic rate-- which is constantly a welcome benefit. Once I recognized the science, the only inquiries that continued to be were: Could I actually fit in my favored intense health and fitness courses prior to workplace hours? And-- most importantly-- would certainly it offer me a lot more power throughout the day? I determined to learn.

Keep analysis to see what occurred during my week of a.m. exercises-- and also what I learned by the time it was over.

Getting into the groove

My week begins with a bang: Barry's Bootcamp, Monday, 7:10 a.m. (Can't question my dedication, right?)

Of program, given that my eyes practically never ever open before 8 o'clock in the early morning (except to strike the snooze switch), it seems like a Sisyphean task to get up—let alone do sprints on an incline and also a bunch of weight job-- at this shocking hr. One thing that aids? Having a close friend satisfy me there.

I make it to the treadmill-- albeit in a drowsy daze-- and also really feel as if my legs won't be able to sustain the crazy periods that are regarding to be asked of me. After the workout, I rapidly make my method into the very first sprint-- 8 mph, mind you-- and also I'm fully awake (emergency room, my body is, at the very least).

It most definitely really feels more challenging to relocate my legs than usual.

Compared to my typical workout time, it absolutely really feels more difficult to relocate my legs than normal. And I figure out from Dr. Welch that my sluggish begin isn't uncommon. Morning workouts may be excellent for your metabolic process, but they aren't peak performance time for other parts of your body: 'You're least likely to injure yourself later on in the day since your muscle mass are a lot more accommodated,' he informs me. 'Your body's at its most effective between 3 as well as 6 p.m., as your temperature rises [and] your muscle mass heat up.' Makes feeling, considering my gams looked like cement.

They obtain me through the course though, and also I actually feel like a million bucks for the remainder of the day. When I obtain home, I leisurely stroll my canines via the park, which is a nice adjustment: Normally, I'm hurrying to the fitness center and can not invest as much quality time with my puppies or my S.O. (so significant rewards there).

The following early morning, I decide to run in Central Park on my very own-- which implies there's no paid-for class or exercise pal holding me responsible. When my alarm system goes off, I really want to miss working out for more sleep-- yet I get up for this story. (I guess I had something counting on me—hi, editor!)

I knock out about 3 miles and also really feel half-asleep the entire time. I likewise discover that my speed is quite slow-moving (at the very least, contrasted to what it got on the treadmill the other day). Yet I rejoice I obtain it over with. Having a studio course scheduled is a lot more encouraging in terms of awakening, so although the exercise is harder, I seem like Barry's is more effective in really getting me out of bed.

The struggle is real

On Wednesday, I mix it up with a 7:30 a.m. HIIT workout: The Fhitting Space, which is infamously among NYC's most difficult workouts (along with Barry's). I'm tired and don't really wish to stand up early again for a significant sweat sesh, however the danger of shedding $38 draws my body to the workshop in spite of my grogginess. And, much to my utmost horror, the workout starts with high knees. I'm awake in no time.

It constantly mystifies me to leave a difficult fitness class at the time I'm typically presenting of my comfy sleep, but it additionally makes me seem like an absolute superwoman. I suggest, I just did a lots of burpees as well as jump squats when, initially, my body was informing me to keep sleeping-- it's a wonder. Or is it simply my hormones?

Even though I'm waking up earlier than common, I'm not drowsy after working out.

' It obtains sprayed a lot that your endorphins are greater previously in the early morning,' states Veronica Jaw, an MD at One Medical. Though there hasn't been much research to back this up, I can prove that my post-sweat high is pretty strong. I'm likewise stunned regarding my energy degrees thus far throughout the week-- even though I'm waking up earlier than normal, I'm not sleepy after exercising, and also the afternoon slump doesn't strike me as hard. I also remain up a little later-- typically I'm asleep by 11 p.m.

But just when I assumed my conversion was an inevitable verdict, the struggle set in. Thursday occurs, I completely intend on doing something much more chill-- Also Known As yoga exercise-- once my alarm goes off, I essentially can not get up. My legs are eliminating me, I'm so tired, as well as I feel physically unable of an additional workout. I rest this out as well as obtain an extra hour of sleep instead. There's some guilt in my mind, yet I need to pay attention to my body (happily).

Throughout the day, I realize that skipping workout is a fantastic choice-- I most definitely need the healing time. (It's important, besides.) I book a hot yoga exercise course for the complying with day. It goes to 7 a.m., which is extra early, IMO, however I recognize I can make use of the ultra-sweaty stretching that comes with vinyasa circulation. In a wobbly state, I make it to Y7 on Friday-- take care of to also knock senseless a crow posture-- as well as feel terrific after that. Oh, as well as two times as so because the week mores than.

Am I now a morning workout person?

Real talk: This previous week was among one of the most difficult points I have actually carried out in my entire life. I turned my whole schedule upside down in the name of physical fitness-- and also my body really feels incredible, I'm exceptionally proud, and was able to actually relax as well as have even more of a social life after work.

Is this mosting likely to be my life currently? Has a week of a.m. workouts turned me right into an up-and-at-em exercise girl? Well, below's the thing: I reserve Barry's Bootcamp for the complying with Monday at 7:10 in the morning. My alarm goes off at 6:45-- as well as my body informs me 'no many thanks.' I terminate rather, recognizing that I can completely sleep for an additional hr. The purpose was there! But does this suggest my rise-and-grind days are over?

"Do what feels good to you."

TBD. For now, Dr. Jaw states, 'It makes good sense to do what really feels good to you-- some individuals truly can not obtain out of bed, and also I do not believe they ought to change their habits to get in some kind of advantages. What you're mosting likely to stick with as well as what deal with your routine-- whatever turns it right into a behavior-- functions ideal.' Believe I'll comply with medical professional's orders on this one.

And what feels excellent to me is moving my body after resting at my desk all the time. While it's wonderful to obtain my sweat sesh over with in the morning, resting in is also so enjoyable. I'll possibly simply blend it up regularly-- as well as never under-appreciate weekends, when I supervise of my very own schedule.

[tequilajones]

I need to vent

I'm having one of my depressive episodes and my dad said that I may have to take a year off school to get help (I'm working on a bachelor's degree and he's the only way I can afford college). It sounds like I might have to go to a psych ward, probably sometime in the summer or next year. I've been geeting therapy these past few months and I don't feel any changes in my mental health. I really don't want to go to a psych ward because the idea of someone constantly watching over me sounds like my worst nightmare. I can't waive over my wellbeing to anyone but I feel I might have to. I don't want to give up internet (I have a long distance relationship and lots of internet friends) and personal freedom.

The problem is that I suffer from general anxiety disorder and depression. Today I could barely move and just felt like shit. Snapping at my dad when he invited me over for dinner and then having to explain to him why I snapped made things worse.

He has no idea how this shit works. He got angry when I told him how I was feeling and how I could barely get out of bed. He thinks it's because I ate a cheeseburger for lunch and slept from 2am to 12:30pm and that I need to go on a diet/excercise as well as sleep from 11pm-7am instead in order to "cure" my depression. I may not know what triggered my depression today but I know for a fact my diet and sleep schedule had nothing to do it.

I was diagnosed in High School and when I moved upstate for school, I had a prescription for 50 mg of Zoloft. To be honest, I only felt a bit better on meds, not a whole lot.

When I transferred schools, I had to get a new doctor and I've seen him for 2 weeks now so I am still in the evaluation process.

I only see my therapist on Fridays so I have to wait to discuss with her what I should do. My dad wants significant change ASAP or I won't be going to college next semester. I guess I could try pretending that I'm all better now and hope I can fake it long enough to get a degree by time I'm 25. That's important for me. All I want is to be completely independant. Nothing else matters as much. In order for that I want to get my degree and work full time in the film industry ASAP. Ideally as a film producer, but as long as I can afford to move from NY to LA and live there without sacrificing too much, I'd be happy.

I am considering admitting myself though despite the fear. At least I wouldn't have to worry too much about classes and such but I'm scared college would look like a walk in the park compared to a psych ward.

For starters, I like my privacy. I am a trans man who's introverted. I NEED my own space. I live in a single dorm because of this. I could handle living with people if I had my own room. I've had roommates and even though they were good people, it felt like a breath of fresh air when they would leave for the weekend or have a late class. The idea of being monitored 24/7 makes me think of 1984 and it's a dystopian novel for a reason.

2, I need to access the internet and my phone. I'm not addicted, I just don't want to cut off contact with people in my life who I care deeply about but are miles away. My boyfriend lives in New Mexico and I live in New York. We can only see each other through social media and video calls. I doubt the psych ward would let me keep my phone or my laptop for this.

3, my only points of reference are One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest (movie, idk what year), American Horror Story Asylum and various stories shared online (even the positive ones make my stomach drop).

4, I have a slight phobia of hospitals. My mom died of breast cancer in one and I want to avoid hospitals more than the average person.

5, I have been raised by a control freak father. It's been hell. I hate being told what to do. The idea of someone having complete control over me is my actual worst nightmare. The only thing keeping me sane now is when I CAN break and bend the rules. I want freedom more than anything else. Freedom from my controlling father, freedom from my mental illnesses and freedom from being a broke college kid.

6, I'm transgender. This is a whole other can of worms. Lot of people consider that a mental illness. I don't wanna be locked up because I'm a dude in a chick's body. Also I hate being forced to room with girls. I'm a feminist and I have lots of girl friends but it's kinda frustratint when I, a guy, has to share a room with a girl because we share the same type of genitalia. It's basically the estanlishment misgendering me and I hate it. So unless my roommate is also a trans guy, it could be awkward.

7, even if I voluntarily admit myself, I can't easily walk out. If the place turns out to be a hellhole, I might not be able to say "y'know what, fuck this, I'm outta here". Legally they could keep me there til the day I die, against my will. I'm gonna need a shit ton of trust if I choose to go through with this.

Those are the reasons why I DON'T WANT to go to a psych ward. But here are the reasons why I might HAVE TO.

1, I'm always stressed out. The only thing that helps is having hyperfixations on shit like kpop and/or video games (mainly assassin's creed).

2, I might have a mania problem. I've always been impulsive but this year, I've been going to 1 concert per month and as great as I feel about going to these concerts and having fun. In retrospect, I'm starting to think going to concerts every month to give me something to look forward to might not actually be healthy, not to mention expensive, especially when I make $11/hr at a job that's lately been giving me 4 hours per week shifts. Sure, my dad pays for most of my necessary expenses but I need to learn how to be frugal. And this isn't helping my already bad impulse-spending habit.

3, when I am having a depressed episode, I can barely get out of bed and it has caused problems for me that I want to prevent in the future. I already flunked out of one school because I was too depressed to go to classes, I can't afford to do the same here or when I start working full time. I gotta get this shit under control asap.

4, while I'm not suicidal (not as appealing when you believe in reincarnation), wanting to completely disappear from existence is still pretty shitty.

5, when it comes to mental health, I have no idea what the everloving fuck I'm doing. I want to get better and I AM going to therapy but it doesn't feel like it's enough. I need help. As much as I hate to admit it, I need help. I really do. I just don't know what else I can do to get better.

I know I made this to get it off my chest and help me rationalize all the thoughts going on in my head. But if you have any other ideas or advice/recommendations, please pm them to me. I'm actually scared.

[scoups4lyfe]

Journal Entries. (2)

These are all mood journal entries (so super short / concise) of mine; where I chart my daily moods over a period of time.

These chronicle the time right before I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist (March) and when I started medication (antidepressants) for my depression / fatigue.

NOTE: These don't contain any long thoughts, literally just mood observations. But I think it does a pretty good job at showing just how inconsistent and sudden mood episodes / switching can be, and why they're so debilitating for trying to live a normal everyday life. I added some gifs / pictures for rando visuals LOL. Truly complete the reading experience 🤪.

Part: [1], [2], [3], [4] Bipolar PPT Essay: [1], [2], [3], [4], [5], [6]

...

March 27th, 2021

Slept: 4am. Woke: 4pm

Mood: 2/10 Energy: Neutral (Maybe a 2/10)

I just feel empty. Like I need to go hibernate/go back to sleep. I’m not hungry. I’m not particularly motivated, and I kind of wish my sister would sit down and watch Hannibal with me and my mom, so it bums me out that she continues to put that off/ignore it.

I’m tired, man. It’s 8:21 pm, and I’m already thinking about going back to bed. When my family hangs out, I can be mindless and just let their good mood and entertainment take over. Other than that, I don’t feel particularly interested in doing anything, though I know I should. I have things to do. I don’t even feel bad about not doing anything. Just empty. Just ready to sleep.

March 28/29th, 2021:

:(

NOTE: Visual reference of what I looked like during this time

March 30th, 2021:

Bed: 6:30 pm. Woke: 4:30 am

Mood: -1/10

My mood can be directly related to how many gluten free brownies I’ve eaten today. (Thee ONLY thing I’ve eaten too might I add.) (it’s 5pm)

…

[Started taking meds]

Tuesday July 6th 2021 (6:03 pm) (12th)

NOTE: The number next to the date is the number of days since I started taking medication

took meds (YES)

I was kinda so depressed from the doctor’s visit and loss of money that even with the meds, it couldn’t stop me from sleeping. LOL.

Thursday July 8th 2021 (12:10 pm) (14th)

took meds: yes

I had enough energy to watch [my niece]

I had enough energy to have a mental breakdown.

Tuesday July 13th 2021 (19th)

took meds: yes (4:44 pm)

I feel so tired…fatigued….

Thursday, July 15th 2021 (21st)

took meds: yes (2:47)

Slept four hours

Overall energy: 3/10

Mood:4.5:10

Napped for three hours, had dinner + caffeinated tea and I feel shaky-awake.

Bruh I did not sleep (for the 16th) at all 💀💀💀.

Friday, July 16th, 2021 (22nd)

took meds: yes (12:06pm)

Haha going to bed right after I took my meds 😛🤷

Friday July 23rd, 2021 (31st)

took meds: yes (11:12 am)

This week idk. It’s been weird? Like tired and then also hyper fixated on nonsense =DD.

Why (2:40 pm) am I so tired? Don’t want to do anything.

(Currently Saturday morning, 6;22 am and I can’t sleep. I’m NOT tired. But I want to sleep.)

This is the WORST.

Saturday July 24th, 2021 (32nd)

took meds: 7:21 pm

I feel wired and tired and just like I can’t do anything even tho I have the energy to

Sunday July 25th, 2021 (33rd)

took meds: yes (11:26 am)

I know I woke up at 8pm today, but man I really don’t want to do SHIT. (And after drinking that nasty ass fiber supplement, I’m feeling tired =o. When will this insanity end?)

Tuesday July 27th 2021 (35th)

took meds: yes (10:04 am)

Mood (10:07 am): 7/10

Energy (10:07 am): 6.7/10

Wednesday July 28th 2021 (36th)

took meds: yes (4:23pm)

Literally went to sleep at 1am and woke up at 4:15 pm. Wtf? (I slept 16hrs LOL)

Mood (6:03 pm): 6.5/10

Energy (6:03 pm): 7.2/10

Today was a good day, I got more work done than yesterday :)).

(3:19, Thursday am): laid down and tried to sleep but now I feel more awake than ever.

Thursday July 29th 2021 (37th)

took meds: yes (4:29 pm)

Went to bed last night at 8am, woke up at 4:33 pm. (I hate not being able to fall asleep. Is it because I slept for 16 hrs the previous night? #sucks.)

Mood (7:44 pm): 7.5/10

Energy: (7:44 pm): 6.4/10

Friday July 30th 2021 (38th)

took meds: yes (8:15 pm)

I almost forgot to take them today ahhhhhh

Mood: 6/10

Energy: 6.7/10

Saturday July 31st 2021 (39th)

I have plenty of energy (I haven’t taken my meds yet) and yet I feel like I’m going insane. I. Can’t do anything right. Why why why why why must I continue to be a failure? I had something good going for me wtf is wrong with me? I don’t want to wake up anymore

Took meds: yes (11:44 am)

(Slept till 9pm, it’s 8:22 am Sunday and I’m still awake. But on the plus side I’m not careening dangerously into another mental breakdown.,,yet)

Sunday August 1st 2021 (40th)

took meds: yes (12:17 pm)

I haven’t slept yet today

General mood: hmmm 5/10 (12:18pm)

I do feel a little tired but that’s probably because I’ve been up since 9pm.

Generally tho I’m feeling pretty okay. (Guess we’ll see how the rest of today goes lol.)

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