#i wouldnt be sleeping so well if not for my meds but also i hate them bc the drowsiness carries over into my day

[virgoevenus]

im like “yeah my anxiety is totally normal and manageable and fine” and yeah i can take a lot of stress in short bursts but my guy i have been going at it for like two weeks straight and i feel like im actually going stir crazy and the end is not coming soon enough and i need to not have anything happen to me for a week

[letstalkaboutshtufff]

A Bad Feeling Pt 2

Levi x reader

Pt 2 (Final part)

Pairing : Levi x Cadet reader

Warnings: mentions of attempted rape, mentions of injury, cursing, violence. 18+ only please

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Hey guys! Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments! You're all amazing! I did my best to write Levi not ooc, so please lemme know if I did an ok job. This chapter was hard to write so please lemme know what you think! Enjoy!

"Look at me" he was less angry now and more concerned. Because although he would never admit it. He cared for his team deeply and hated to see any of them hurt.

Knowing you couldn't disobey you sucked in a breath and slowly lifted your head up.

And when Levi's steel eyes met your teary ones they turned into one of shock.

Slowly his eyes travelled over your form. His eye brows furrowed at the grip marks that covered your chin. He looked down further and saw that both your wrists were red. His eyes travelled back up and his whole body froze when he saw the angry looking bruise peeking from under your collar.

He stood there in shock for a moment before snapping out it.

"Y/n.." he started slowly, almost gently.

"Tell me what happened" he clenched his jaw when he realized how scared you look. It did not sit well with him that a girl as strong as you ended up in this state.

Tell him?? I can't... Oro said that he would-!

"I-I c-can't" you closed your eyes feeling completely overwhelmed. Levi was going to be so angry with you, but you couldn't risk being expelled from the survey corps.

Had your eyes been open you would've seen the flash of concern that crossed his usually stoic features. Knowing he wouldnt get anywhere with you in that state he asked you to follow him. Not knowing what else to do you did...

************************************

Silently he led you to a room you had never seen before. It was neat and organized, and off to the side you saw a small stove and sink.

You were so out of it, the shock taking over that you didnt even remember being sat down at a small table.

You stared at the wood in silence, listening to some clanging around you for several minutes but snapped out of it when a small plate and tea cup full of something steaming and sweet smelling was put in front of you.

Wordlessly you looked up at your captain who took a seat near you, but far away enough not to add to your nervousness.

"Drink, it'll help" he ordered quietly. And so you did. You both sat in silence until the last drop was gone. You thought he would yell at the clattering noise your cup made every time your shakey hands grabbed it but he didnt. He sat there quiet and silent.

When you were done you let out a small thank you. You felt a tiny bit less shakey but no where near relaxed. How could you be?

Levi silently took the cup, and deposited it in the sink.

When he was finished, he made his way back to you and sat down.

"Y/n, I know you don't wanna talk, but I need to know what happened" he started calmly.

You looked into his eyes and saw that he was patient and not at all angry.

Could you tell him the truth? Oro said that he would ruin your future but if you told captain Levi, would he protect you? Despite his harsh demeanor you knew that Levi did care and protect his team when it came down to it. Even his harsh disciplines were usually for the best. Even if we couldn't see it.

But even so...Oro is his friend... way longer than I've been his cadet...what if I tell him and he talks to Oro and oro tells him something else that he believes over me.

Levi noticed the hitch in your breath and tried to calm you down once more, "Listen to me y/n, Its my job to look out for you, you're safe now" he promised gently, well as gently as he levi could be) you looked and saw sincerety in his orbs. Your mouth formed the shape to speak. But you still were not able.

"If you're not able to tell me what happened yet, I need you to at least give me a name" he tried to reason. You couldn't believe how calm and patient he was being with you. You so desperately wanted to tell him. But you were terrified.

"I-I'm afraid.." you admitted quietly in shame..

Levi felt anger rise within him, not at you no, but at whoever made you like this. He'd seen you take down titans like it was playtime at school. And now you were shaking like a leaf afraid of something he still had no idea what/who caused this.

"Like I said you're safe now-"

" Thats not.." you cut him off, "I-I'm afraid you won't take.... my side.." you admitted as a fresh set of tears ran down your face.

His eyes widened a little at this, did you not trust him?

"Y/n, listen to me" he waited until you raised your teary eyes up to meet his once more.

"You have proven yourself to be nothing but trustworthy during your time as my cadet. You have my word that no matter what you say, I will believe you" he said with finality.

And that was all you needed to hear to unlock the fear that held you back.

"Oro" you whispered.

His eyes widened in utter shock before turning into quiet rage.

"Oro did this.."

************************************

Levi did a remarkable job of holding in his emotions as you told him what happened. You didn't do it all at once. You kept having to pause to collect yourself. And some things were harder to say than others. But slowly you told him everything, his words and what he did.

The whole time you couldn't bring yourself to look at him. Afraid of what emotions his face held. But when you were finished and he stood up, you couldn't help but steal a glance.

You sucked in a breath.

*Ok small teeny tiny spoiler in the next paragraph from season 3*

The last time you witnessed levi in that state was when he fought the beast titan. His body was eerily calm, but his eyes. His eyes held death.

"Stay here" and with that he was gone and you were alone...

************************************

It was torture waiting in that room. What was he going to do? The anxiety of waiting and doing nothing was killing you.

The panic mixed with exhaustion was such a strange feeling to you. Your mind was racing but your body felt on the verge on collapse.

Sighing you threw your head on the table and tucked your arms underneath.

You couldn't help but let your eyes droop.

You were somewhere between a light sleep and a deep one when the click of a door opening made you jolt awake.

"Heichou.." you went to stand but he motioned for you to stay put. To be honest you weren't sure you could stay upright. It felt like you had been thrown off a roof.

"W-what happened?" You couldn't wait another second before asking.

He stared at you for a moment, much more calm than when he had left earlier. "It's taken care of" he said finally.

You waited a few seconds for him to continue but he didn't.

"Um, by taken care of you mean...?" you nervously fidgeted with your hands.

He sighed and walked over to a nearby cabinet, not facing you he replied, "I mean that bastard won't be bothering you or anyone else anymore" you were slightly frustrated by his lack of elaboration.

Before you could press any further he turned around and cut you off, "Forget about it now, we can discuss it in the morning." You nodded hesitantly although all you wanted was some answers.

It was then you noticed that Levi was holding a small med kit in his hands. Before you knew it, he was sitting next to you, scooting the chair slightly closer.

"Hand" you stared blankly at the outstretched hand for a moment in confusion.

Whats he?... oh!

You snapped out of it not wanting to annoy him after all he had done for you by taking too long.

And despite the situation, you somehow found the capacity to still blush like a school girl when his soft hands gripped yours with surprising gentleness.

A comfortable silence filled the room as he got to work tending to your wrists. With more care than you thought he was capable he applied a cool ointment and wrapped them delicately.

You didnt even realize you were crying until you saw a fat tear plop onto the table. Levi looked up at you, pausing his movements.

"S-sorry! I didn't mean to-sorry..."you babbled embarrassed, your words not really making sense. You suddenly felt bad for putting him through all this. And now you couldn't even stop crying like an idiot.

You squeezed your eyes trying to stop the flow, but for some reason you couldn't stop. All the panic and relief caused you to feel so overwhelmed you couldn't help but let it all out. You also couldn't help but to keep apologizing over and over.

"Don't apologize.." your breath hitched at the quiet kindness in his voice. He had surprised you at least 20 times tonight by how gentle he was being. You slowly opened your eyes letting the tears fall freely. It was like the floodgates had opened, "heichou..." you swiped a hand over trying to quell the tears, "thank you" you sobbed out sincerely, not holding back.

And for the 21 time that night you were in utter disbelief when Captain Levi, the cold hearted, sadistic, cruel leader of the survey corps turned in his chair, facing opposite of you, reached a hand over to cradle your head and pulled you into his shoulder.

"It's alright y/n...its alright..." he whispered holding you close. Your wide eyes eventually closed and you clutched the arm cradling you. It was warm and safe and secure, and your heart filled with happiness, because despite everything that had happened, you knew you always could trust him, and maybe it was selfish to think this but a part of you believed that out of everyone on his squad, he only had showed this kindness to you.

************************************

The next morning as you made your way into the hall for breakfast. You couldn't help but feel everything was a bit too normal. Despite your fears, people weren't whispering about you, or giving you looks.

Sighing you found your usual spot by Sasha and Mikasa. Luckily the Mark's on your chin had lessened enough to where you could pass it off as a "I fell out of be and hit my chin on the floor" kinda thing.

After some time the boys joined as well,

"Ne did you guys hear?!" Armin exclaimed suddenly as he placed his tray down.

"Hear what?" Eren asked chewing on a piece of bread.

"About Captain Oro!" At that you felt your heart skip a beat.

Shit, what had he heard?

"What about him?" He asked raising a eyebrow.

"He was arrested!"

"What?!"

"No way!"

"There's no way!" They all were in shock.

"Its true!" He exclaimed.

"I was on my way to deliver some things to Hange-San when I saw him get dragged away by the police! And get this, he was all bloody and bruised! Like he had just been in a fight or something! They were practically carrying him!"

What?! Did Captain Levi...?!?

"Why was he arrested??" Mikasa chimed in.

"I don't know, I asked around but no one seems to know anything.."

"Huh, weird.. I wonder what happend" one of them responded.

One day you would tell them what happened but for now you decided to keep quiet.

Suddenly a flash of raven hair caught your attention. You spotted the captain making his way to Hanges table across the room. When he caught your gaze you couldn't help the small rush of heat and found your lips pulling up into a grateful smile.

He nodded simply and continued on.

Despite everything people said about him, he truly was a good person. And you couldn't help but feel a little giddy at the thought that he beat up Oro because he hurt you.

You still felt the rush of heat at the memories of last night and how he held you. After your cries had quieted down he escorted you to your room and told you to get some sleep.

You thanked him again and that was that. All night all you could think about was- well of course everything that happened- but also, the gentle way Levi tended to your wrists, the way he held your head close, the way he smelled up close the way-

"Hey y/n?" Jean leaned over with an eyebrow quirked.

"Y-yeah?"

"Why are you so red?"

Shit

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And that's the end! I hope the ending was everything you guys were hoping for, thank you all for taking the time to read it. I hope Levi didn't seem to ooc. Until next time!

@justanotherlifeff @fangirlingonrhys @haikoo @peculiarinsomniac @charlie-rose-thegay @babyshinso28 @your-daily-dose-of-fangirl @eleventhdoctorsangel @cravrat @hawkssnugget @kimbapkidding1004 @xruna @huffelpuffers @sofflepoffle  @sunisenpai  @kuromihomii @deadcalmlol @smokeychan1216

[zarovich]

vent tw or whatever im not gonna make sense having a breajdown

i cany do anything i love naymore. i cant do it. i cant run around amd hangout with frienfd (not that i have any tbh). i cant draw, i tried but i felt so sick i had to stop after less then 5 mins bc i felt sick and faint seeing black spots, i cant write bc the words are jumbled and i dont understand the... i cant play any games bc it hurts same way as drawing, i can barely even see rn like my brain wont fucking WORK sory imnot making sense but idk wtf if happened rn!!! im so fucking tire dof being sick and in pain i just want to fucking die. imnever gonna be normal am i?? no matter the meds, therapy, etc im in PAIN amd i mever feel good and im all alone ans always have neen, alwas in pain, i cant do anyything nromal. cant even get out of bed most days bc im so fuckngn in pain and lazy. nothing feelsd real, i look at th e screen and it looks different and fake... or maybe i never notiuced how it looked??? idk idk. i wanan cut but i dont hink my hands are stable enough rn ill cut rightthru and die. but idk part of me feels like that might be best??? but idk idk,,, to scared to do that, i just wish the doctors LISTENS... im hurting so much and im so fucking suicidal and no body is noticing it. ffs i almost oded a few nights ago and also attemtped to half hearted hang myself as well butwhy bother saying it!! maybe if i wasnt in so much pain it wouldnt be as bad but idk... i feel alone all the tim even if somsone sys theyre there they leave,,, they always keave me. and i always feel so empty or i feel too much at once. fucking seeing things everyhwere rn thats why i hate wesring my glasses,,,, i can see so many black spots in my preriphrial and herring them speak to me even now and then and it jst is so much i wanna sleep... wanna be safe for fucking ONCE in my life i owe it to myself i owe it to that scared littl child i used to be. ill be s monster if i fail her and iknow it. buy i feel like ill never be ssfe bc im trapped here. i just want someone who i love and who loved me back to hold me forever until i breathe my last breath

[maljic]

i have been working in the grocery industry practically my entire life. for many companies, and in many many positions. i’ve seen hurricane panic buys, i have seen post hurricane apocalypses, i have closed stores, and i have opened stores. i have been to backroom recoveries, i have worked small stores and big stores. i have seen h1n1, and i have now seen covid19. and even tho this is something unprecedented, all together it’s really not. the difference here is that it’s been going on for three weeks now and there is no end in sight. the duration is what’s so new. 

so i’ve started making notes every day after i got home. just the overall experience, but also customer comments and new things being implemented. it’s a fascination change, and i wanted to write it down to maybe sometime in the future come back to this time and remember anew. 

i plan on keeping notes for the foreseeable future, to keep writing a diary of sorts, to see if this ever levels out or escalates even more, if things change drastically or not at all. and if the fucking toilet paper situation ever goes away. 

things started to change the first week of march. it was super subtle, i didn’t even notice it at first. it was just a steady increase in business. a solid 20% ahead in sales all across the board. and even tho the virus was already in the news it didn’t cotton on right from the start. or it did, maybe, but i wasn’t expecting it to escalate to such heights.

tuesday, 03.10.2020 9am - 5pm

people are making their own hand sanitizer by mixing rubbing alcohol and aloe vera. we’re out of both. lady is asking me by the sun tan section about the state of deliveries of aloe vera gel. we get to talking. i admit that i don’t understand the people’s need for hand sanitizer since the cdc and every doctor ever recommends hand washing first and foremost. Susan comes out and says, ‘well the only thing that really can safe us from all this is...” and i retort with, “washing your hands, right?” but Susan claps back with, “the lord jesus christ.” and i had to excuse myself real quick and leave her ass on the aisle, because why are you fucking here then trying to potion together your own hand sanitizer, Severus, if all you need is god? 

a grown woman that’s working at the register is. coughing. non. stop. co workers comment on it to each other and to me, and i wonder if anyone has taken her aside to explain the current state of world events to her, and maybe asking her to cover her damn mouth. we’re all gonna die.

thursday, 03.12.2020 2pm - 10pm 11pm

parking is an absolute nightmare. i’m 10 mins late cause i can’t find a spot. welcome to hell. i ask my boss what the sales were yesterday and she says we’re 40% ahead of the forecast. which is ridiculous. at this point it’s pretty much a blanket permission for over time. we do not have the capacity to continue to run at this pace. people get worn out, we’re bound to get sick, and the customers are fucking relentless. truck is big. Karen and her brother Chad look at the soap section and wanna know when we get more hand sanitizer in. 

this lady is looking at things in the cold and flu section and we get to talking about shit and she mentions something she’s read on facebook and whoops my filter went poofgone and i tell her that i hope facebook dies along with all this corona virus flu and have a good evening.

at the end of my shift after we’ve finished stocking and cleaning up, i stay longer because there’s still a fuck ton of people in the store but we only have two registers open. i check people out until 11 and then peace out. one dude dropped $650 on groceries.

friday, 03.13.2020 11am - 7pm

“where is the hand sanitizer?” Karen asks. i refrain from shouting at her to get outta my face. the store is absolutely packed. lines of lengths i haven’t ever witnessed. lines and lines of people with full bascarts of stuff. the end is nigh and we are here with a front row view of it. we have a small parking lot, and i have no idea where these people’s cars are? i didnt know we could fit that many people in the store. whats the fire marshall’s max capacity guidelines? someone should review those. meanwhile i’m trying to navigate around everybody and put things on shelves that don’t last very long.

the grocery truck arrives around 3 ish and paper products get thrown out first. usually, when the truck arrives it stays locked until the night crew shows up. we’re set up to always have a trailer at the store, so when the guy shows up he unhitches his trailer, and hitches up under another trailer which was the previous day’s grocery truck, which got emptied off groceries when the night crew stocks, and then got filled with stacks of empty pallets, paper bales, and other reusable thinks like plastic trays the meat comes in, or the eggs come in, or produce plastic trays, things like that. so now that we’re in the apocalypse of paper products, the day crew gets those pallets out on the sales floor asap. at this point we have reduced the quantities of things you’re allowed to take to 3. 3 packs of toilet paper, 3 packs of paper towels... also 3 of lysol wipes and 3 of hand sanitizers even tho we dont have any, calm down, Karen. paper products are gone within an hour. 

my company makes an absolute killing that day.

saturday, 03.14.2020 10ish to whenever. 

my boss said she was coming in (on her off day) so i said yo, mind if i sleep in a bit? i was scheduled 7am and if i don’t have to i don’t want to. she said ok. i rock up at 10:08. things stop showing up on deliveries. the diaper area is sad looking. people have started to buy us out of baby wipes. there’s a problem coming at us in about 2 months. you cant flush baby wipes but since the toilet paper situation is what it is, people will wipe their butts with wet wipes. have fun with that, dallas county utility department (or whoever messes with the water wastes). 

displays are dwindling. we are not getting product, so we are filling the shelves in the aisles with the stuff that’s on displays. it’s a bit wonky looking. there’s half an endcap with shampoo and then the rest of it is filled with hersheys. its upside down world. but we have to keep things full. with whatever. empty shelves are bad bad bad, but empty endcaps are a cardinal sin. 

people waste so much food when they’re shopping. now that the shelves are getting and staying empty, people will just put things everywhere when they decide against buying the items. bags of chips, six packs of beer, gatorade whatever. that’s not really waste. but we also see bags of salad, frozen items, meats. we are currently not in the position to walk the store every half hour and collect these things. these things are all now wasted and will get thrown out. not the chips, i’m talking about the temp controlled things. being cold to the touch is not enough. shit aint safe. 

monday, 03.16.2020 8am - 4 pm 6pm

truck is gigantic. never ever have i seen a truck that big. so everything that my boss was fantasizing about me doing gets thrown out the window when the truck hits the backdoor at 11 am. everybody who is scheduled for truck is given the option to come in early. and stay until it’s all stocked. or until you’re exhausted. i help with the pharmacy stuff because that’s the biggest part. i stay until 6pm. then i’m out. 

people would like to know where the hand sanitizer is, well, sugar, so. do. i. it’s the one item that has been out since the end of february, and people are absolutely gob smacked when you tell them it’s currently unavailable. i try to appease them with some hand soap, but, stupidly, people dont want to hear that. i’m thinking to myself that in about a week soap will also be unavailable, but to each their own. customers believe that we, the workers, know the exact day and time when lysol wipes will be stocked. but when you tell them that soap is getting scarce they look at you like you’re speaking a different language.

company wide, we are not allowed to order anything right now. which is huge. how it usually works is: our system knows at all times how many items we have in the store, as per bar code, and knows how much will fit on the shelves, how much we’re selling every day/hour, and then there’s the forecasting factor. so the system will order stuff based on sold quantities, automatically. all the time. if we need extra stuff for sales and/or displays and whatnot, we order extra. 

the computer system wouldnt know, for instance, that there was a tornado in oct that wiped out our electricity and that of most of our customers, so we changed orders to reflect that. no frozen things, lots more batteries, ice, coolers. 

a lot of things ride on added orders, which are now out

from here on in, everything is up to the system, and to the powers that be. if there’s soap in the warehouse, we will get allocated with every store in the area so that everyone gets equal amounts or close to. hoarding is, apparently, frowned upon at this level too. 

tuesday, 03.17.2020 2pm - 10pm

i have come to hate the soap aisle. used to always be my favorite. so long, soap aisle, we’ve had a good run. tonight i’m stocking the pharmacy area (cold and flu, pain meds, tummy stuff, those sort of things). truck is small. super small. i try helping customers as much as i can, but most of my end of the conversation is no, sorry, we dont have any. backstocks are dwindling. the backroom is emptying out. we rely on truck deliveries for things to do and products to be put out. “do you have any [insert product here] in the back?” is the most asked questions. “there’s nothing in the back.” is the most uttered sentence all day. 

people obviously do to not get what social distance means. every aisle is packed with shoppers. i’m wasting a lot of time trying to stay out of people’s paths, but people lingeeeerrrrr what the fuck. the mayor of dallas shut everything down to flatten the curve yet here all these fuckers are doing their god damn grocery shopping like it’s 3 months ago. get in, get stuff, get out. i try conjuring up some gas to clear the aisle, but the farts won’t come

go home, people. i wish i could.

somehow our store has become the hub in our area. we get trucks in the afternoon with produce and meat, and people from other stores around us show up in trucks and suvs to transport product between stores. i’ve seen so many people that i hadn’t seen in years because they’re coming by getting shit in the afternoon. 

we lost one of our baristas. she’s retired but works with us the maximal allotted hours per week the government allows you before they yank your money. she’s living in senior housing (cause its cheap) and they’ve completely locked down and she is unable to come to work. her boss funnels her groceries. and they face time a lot. she’s doing ok.

wednesday, 03.18.2020 10am - 6pm

parking lot semi full, too full for a wednesday. toilet paper situation is unchanged. but alas there’s no grocery truck scheduled tonight so this is not changing until tomorrow. i’m talking to three separate people desperate for some toilet roll (lol, i love how this pandemic makes me learn new terms, hi, united kingdom, i see you - toilet roll, i love it). anyways, i explain to all three the truck schedule and how to best strategize to get some butt wipes: truck is 6 days a week, wednesday being the no truck day. when the truck arrives, usually what happens is that the paper products get stocked immediately, to make room in the back room and to alleviate the situations. be in the store at around 3ish? 3:30ish, and hang out. i explain that i don’t want to encourage anybody to spend their afternoon in the store for obvi reasons, but when you gotta go you gotta go. alternately, hang out in your car, and when you see a truck pull behind the store around mid day, chances are in about 30 mins you shall have paper. people appreciate the info. 

i’m in the candy aisle trying to stock a case of twizzlers. we’re using shopping carts to stock, it’s way more flexible than lugging around huge stocking carts, especially now with the store being so crowded. this dude rocks up and asks me if i’m panic hoarding with all those boxes in my cart. he looks at me with a straight face and thinks he’s making a point. meanwhile i’m in full uniform and people around are starting to roll their eyes. i drop the box of twizzlers into my cart (its super heavy and dude is creating a scene). my box cutter comes out and i make a show of clicking the blade out while explaining to douche canoodle that i’m working here, excuse me, and cut into the tape of the box. moron. 

there’s a few people that i’ve seen every day this week. and they’re all advanced in their age. i get that the store is your second home cause you’re lonely, but right now is really not the time. go home. 

the question i hate the most is: when are you gonna get more soap in. the honest answer? no fucking clue, Karen. if i could predict the future i wouldn’t be working here. 

thursday, 03.19.2020 10am - 6pm

there was no grocery truck last night so shelves are still as empty as they were when i left last night. still, parking lot is semi full. we’ve seem to have gotten a decent produce truck, bananas everywhere. great. my boss’s plan for me is to: whatever truck is back there, and then easter. which means i walk the back room, collect anything and everything that belongs to our department, and get it on the shelves. there’s nothing back there except a chocolate delivery which arrived on the dairy truck. a huge amount, by normal standards. at least people are still enjoying some candy. 

by 3pm it’s made the rounds that one of the guys for our dept isn’t coming in: allergies. okay then. truck is not too big, i help out with that until it’s time to hit the time clock. 

times are tough, and i’m a good-natured person that can dish out jokes and emphasize with you and cumbaja we’re all in this together and all the other bullshit we’re telling ourselves to make us feel better. but when dudebro comes down the soap aisle and bemoans the state of the shelves (empty) and then goes into a rant about his two parents, immunocompromised, at home, out of soap, almost getting loud and making it seem like its my fault that we don’t have what you want, then no. i’m all out of fucks to give. meanwhile, people of the free world, have you forgotten that hand washing soap does not only come in little pump bottles that you can cutsify your sink with but also LOOK AT ALL THE BARSOAP, back in the days we used that to wash our hands. calm down and take some irish spring to your parents. 

grocery truck arrives. big time. in the good ole days of yester year we would get one trailer daily, most of the time not even full. we’ve been ramping it up to 2 most of the last two weeks. (and by we i mean we as a society, buying everything on the shelves and not being satisfied and always wanting more).  today it was three. one of which with nothing but water. the others with lots of toilet roll and paper towels. and the usual stuff of canned goods and the likes. nothing will last tho, nothing is forever. 

we have this one guy who works here who has, i believe, severe arthritis and is hygiene wise very challenged. he isn’t very mobile and does super light duty but he’s worked here a long time. i haven’t seen him in a few days. i wonder if he is just off, or if he said fuck it and stayed home. 

the grown ass woman at the register is still coughing. and not covering her mouth. asswipe. 

saturday 03.21.2020 7am - 3pm 6pm

“when do you expect more hand sanitizer in?” 

i have no idea what you’re talking about, hand sanitizer was never a thing. lemme ask you this: is it berenstein bears where you come from? 

people still want to shop brand loyal. i die inside a little bit every time someone turns their nose up at an alternative to their regular, “oh but we don’t use that brand.” dude didn’t you just say you needed vitamin c? was that a lie? here’s the damn vitamin c. it’s vitamin c, not, i don’t know, fucking coca cola. go home.

corporate finally came down and said we’re allowed to wear ppe now. like some of us haven’t since three weeks ago. i finally turned and went all ‘two by two hands of blue’ as well, and it’s really not as bothersome as i thought it would be.  

weekends are now slower than weekdays. i have no idea why that is. and i’m not really sure if these past weekends have been slow, or just normal, and the weekdays are just crazy. i have lost all points of reference. it’s still busy. but is it the same busy it’s always been on a saturday and now we just have more checkers? 

the company is desperately trying to hire more people. i don’t know if the new vigorous ad campaign is working yet? it’s a job, sure, especially in these times, but the starting pay is still barely above minimum wage so in any case people will collect unemployment which could still be more than they’d make working here i’m just saying. 

the only real perk right now is that whoever works for a grocery store has first dibs on stuff. and if you believe we don’t have a “family and friends stash” in the back of all the items that are scarce then you don’t know how the world works. a friend of mine with health problems came to shop at our store today because we do have more stuff than what i’ve been hearing is going on in surrounding areas.  and i was able to give her two cans of disinfectant wipes. another friend asked me if we had any loo roll, and they just came by my place to pick it up, cash on arrival. 

we also extend (or well, i do extend) the stash to customers who always have been courteous. and believe me, after working in one location for a few years you know exactly who’s an asshole and who isn’t. we are essential, we are important, and we’ve been known that forever. we just never got treated like that. people are thankful that we’re working, that we’re doing our best (like if we could afford to just take two weeks off to self isolate, yeah right), and it’s good to finally walk the store with your head held high, to finally feel the appreciation. we are the kings of the toilet paper and it’s fucking fantastic. 

the store manager (or the company, i’m not sure) bought lunch today for everybody. and there might be a texas rule of no gatherings of more than 10 people, but y’all should’ve seen the break room today at noon. we they feasted (i took two slices and went out back to enjoy) thanks for lunch, boss. 

we still haven’t implemented “senior hours,” and i hate that. 

hygiene challenged dude is back at work. so he just had his two days off. 

monday 03.23.2020 12pm - 9pm

people keep insisting on shopping “normally” and it’s mind boggling. if you go to the store for 5 things or 50 things, it’s fine either way. but please make a list at home and roll with it. do not linger in aisles, do not pick up 3 different items and stand there to study the, i don’t know what the fuck, ingredients? country of origin? manufacturer? i have no earthly idea why you gotta look at a bottle of suave shampoo so intently and just. stay. there. reading it like its a new product on the market. go home.

people just waste so much freakin time in the store. they run into acquaintances and have to have a conversation right there when other customers have to walk around you. please stop, please please stop that. please. get in, get your stuff, and get out. if we dont have your fave available right now come back next week, it’s bound to be back unless it’s something like hand sanitizer or over the counter meds. please. go home.

the shopping pattern has changed. there’s all the action in the mornings now. tons of people, full parking lots, all in the morning. i understand it’s because people are under the impression everything gets restocked over night. which is half true. but whatever. i mean people shop all throughout the day and it’s still busy but the bulk is in the morning.

speaking of: senior hours finally!!! i’m stoked.

i feel like i’m getting fed up with customer questions so it’s usually short retorts and no eyes contact. one guy asked me where the aloe vera is and he asked very friendly and from a few feet away and i was sort of a dick to him. i felt bad immediately and rephrased my answer. yikes.

on the upside also, my work buddy was throwing water all day long. poor guy. he said something like 9 pallets of 24 packs. at one point they were replenishing a display and people grabbed water from the display instead of the pallet, and he was like, “you guys are killing me, man, please take it from the pallet and not the display. every pack you take from the pallet is a pack less i have to move.” a couple of dudes then took over stocking duty from him and threw the rest of the pallet to fill the display. how fucking nice. good eggs all around.

backroom looks like we got a crap ton of paper products. a crap ton. something like, i’m estimating, 12 pallets. so they’ve been staggering it throughout the afternoon but also kept lots in the back for senior hours tomorrow morning. it really looks like that part is getting almost back to normal. lmao fingers crossed.

no eggs tho, today. all gone.

hot shot trucks still show up in the afternoon with produce and meat. and other stores still come by to transfer stuff to their location.

company lunch today was from torchy’s taco. i abstained cause i had just eaten at home. but gatherings of 10 or more people had been had in the break room again. no idea if it was paid for by our company or if torchy’s was just getting rid of a bulk of their perishables.

some dude threw a fit about the limits on certain items. i think his beef was with water and how he’s seen someone take more than three. calm down, asshole.

tuesday 03.24.2020 10am - 5pm 

it’s slow in the store. dallas county has a shelter in place ordinance right now and it’s just a slow and steady trickle of customers. the weather also has turned from grey and misty, to sunshine and 80ies. i hate it. i want my grey and misty back. and because it’s nice outside there’s a lot of people on walks and bike rides. there’s a trail behind the store and when i step out back i see people all the times. still keeping their social distance but people non the less.

we’ve finally got our hands on one of the people from the agency that has provided us with help. our girl is super nice and friendly and she works hard. i hope we’ll get to keep her in our department for however long theyre working with us. altogether there’s about 15-20 people in the store from the agency. they’re tasked with sacking groceries, cleaning shopping carts, cleaning shelves and helping to stock. it’s wonderful. they get paid $13, which is more than what you make starting out in the store.

it almost felt like it wasn’t a covid day. after what the covidiot in the wh said on monday, i was a bit unsure if non essentials would reopen (especially since the mayor just shut dallas down). it was weird. it seemed like customers stayed away because a) they went back to work or b) it’s too nice to grocery shop. but that’s prob only my stupid brain making things up.

there were two incidents, both of which weren’t covid related but needed security: a dude tried to walk out with two cases of beer (theft is a thing that happens in our store a lot) but somehow he had half the store chasing after him. i was outside taking my break when all the sudden this guy comes towards me with beer in each hand. where i was, there was no exit away from the store unless you wanted to jump the fence. and he sure did. launched himself and the beer over it. they chased him off (no one touched him, i wanna add, and no one would touch him too, even if we weren’t in the current time),  but got their beer back. that was an adrenaline shock i didn’t need. the second one was a lady at the pharmacy not happy with the speed of the pharmacist and she got upset that her meds weren’t ready to be picked up. she made quite a scene with cursings and such so security was called. they are doing their best at the pharmacy but just like every other department they are swamped with prescriptions.  

it was super slow and i left an hour early. went home and ate and passed out for 12 hours.

wednesday 03.25.2020 7am - 3pm

it’s probs the first time i’m on the road this early on a weekday during the self isolation period. it’s quite busy on the highway. but still no real traffic.

store is still slow but steady. i see a few customers with big bascarts and shopping lists going about their business urgent like. on the inside i was applauding their readiness and their commitment for getting it done. thank you dear customers. buy a whole cart and get the heck outta dodge. *chefs kiss*

help girl from the agency is with me today. i like her more and more. she gets it all done. baby wipes are still off and on, some days we have them, sometimes we’re out. we found 3 small cases of hand soap in the back (6 bottles each) and they are gone quickly. i’m working through shippers/displays (we’ve finally got a smattering in) but most of it goes straight to the shelves. i’m able to make some sense to one of the half shampoo/half hersheys end caps, and my eye finally stops twitching from the weirdness.

grocery truck schedule has changed and now we’re getting them also on wednesdays (for the time being). one trailer of toilet roll and paper towels, and one of canned goods and boxes and pantry stuffs. and maybe some lysol but who knows.

it’s still sunny and 80ies out, so more runners and bikers on the trail behind the store. still social distancing tho.

the news said someone from a grocery store of another chain was diagnosed. and then through the grapevine i heard that someone from our chain (not our store) also got diagnosed and is in the hospital. wash your hands. get in, get your stuff, and get out. stay safe out there.

friday 03.27.2020 9am - 5pm

there’s this lady in the store, little old lady, just wandering and shopping and whatnot for, i kid you not, 2 hours. what in the world? she’s wearing a mask, kinda like a “let me put this mask on cause i’m sanding something in the garage” you know that kind of mask. but it’s only covering her mouth? what is she doing. where is your family? do they know where you are and what you’re up to. seriously someone come get their auntie.

there’s stickers all over the floor by the registers “PLEASE WAIT HERE” reminding people to stay the heck away from each other. it’s working sometimes. people are patient.

this one lady asks me if we have this, and shows me her phone with a pic of the item like she is seriously standing 6 feet away stretching her arm as far as it’ll go. i appreciate it. she insists that the app tells her it’s in stock here. i ran out of ways to explain that the app doesnt keep up with inventory, only states that we carry it, not whether we actually have it in stock. it’s a surface disinfectant. we dont have it in stock.

rando people say their thanks that we’re working, that they appreciate it, thank you thank you. i have yet to learn how to respond to that. “youre welcome?” “oh sure!” “no problem” nothing feels right. me and my co workers all wish we could work from home, or take a few weeks off, without losing our jobs and benefits. it’s weird. how do you respond to that?

we’ve managed to stay in stock on toilet tissue all day long. one brand, one size, mind you. but! all day long! yes, toilet paper, on aisle 18!!!!

sales have leveled. business is returning to normal.

saturday 03.28.2020 7am - 3 pm

some lady lost her cool today and in her frustration she dead ass kicked over a display of gum. lmao, yikes.

every morning we have a little meeting in the store for all the department heads, or if they’re off, for whoever plays department head for that day. on saturdays that’s me. we call them huddles, although now we can’t call them that anymore because huddle doesn’t really scream social distancing. so now they’ll call it morning communication.

while walking the store today i found, get this, a bottle of purell. it was hidden behind other product. i immediately checked my surroundings (no one there) and then went and hid it in the back room. my immuno challenged friend had asked me for some for a while.

really nothing else going on. it was quiet in the morning and then a storm blew through, and then it was just gorgeous out. so the store got busier and busier. our truck was scheduled to be quite big, but it was late and i wasn’t gonna just hang around until who knows when.

monday 03.30.2020 2pm - 10pm

the break room is completely empty of chairs and tables. that’s new. just last week everyone crowded in, employees and management alike, whenever there was free lunch. and even tho one tells them, or points out that, hey, this is a bit more than technically should be in a closed space like this? all one gets back is, oh hahaha, yeah you’re probably right, but nothing changed. so now the break room is empty. only, i dont know, everyone here works on their feet, either standing (poor checkers) or standing and walking. for up to eight hours. there’s gonna be some people who will just have to sit down for 30 mins during their breaks. this was a company wide, or district wide decision, this wasn’t something our management came up with. and here’s the thing. admittedly, some higher ups in our company are seriously not the sharpest tacks in the box. and i’m not saying that you have to have a degree to make certain decisions, but it helps if you have some sort of,  i don’t know, compassion, deductive reasoning, two brain cells to rub together. i, personally, will hardly be found in the break room, i don’t use it. but it’s absolutely clear to me that taking away the opportunity to let people rest is a recipe for disaster.

tuesday, 03.31.2020 2pm - 10pm

so, the owner of the dallas mavericks (basket ball) donated hand sanitizers to our company, for use of company employees. which, thanks, Mark, that was super sweet of you. no really. IF I SEE ONE CO WORKER USE THIS INSTEAD OF WASHING THEIR HANDS I WILL NOT BE MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS. wash your god damned hands people. hand sanitizer will never be able to do what soap and water can do. why is that such a big problem to understand.

the break room has a couple of chairs and tables in it now, and a sign on the door that reads “6 people limit, 6 feet apart.” yikes.

its the end of the month and people got paid so the store is getting busier. tomorrow is the first and i’m sure we’ll be packed. please take the following to heart: SHOP ALONE. don’t bring your wifey or hubby or roommate or kids. ok bring your kids if you have no one to watch them. do not use the grocery store as your family outing cause its the only spot you think youre allowed to go. it’s not. youre allowed to go for walks, in front of your house, in your neighborhood, heck, walk a circle around the store if you want, but don’t bring everybody into the store. social distancing is easier achieved if there’s less people to stay away from. be smart, think ahead. and if you think that shopping with two people makes it go faster? it’s not. cause you’re gonna argue over the choices made, you’re gonna veto your shopping buddies choice of beans and your gonna walk every aisle twice instead of once. and there will be more people touching more things and i could really do with less of that.

wednesday 04.01.2020 11am - 7pm

there’s a distillery in kansas who has converted their production to make hand sanitizer (or sanitizer in general) and we have received a shipment of, i think, two pallets. the fun part? they are the size and shape of vodka bottles.

they’re selling for $8 and we put a limit of 1 per family. they look super neat. it’s a plastic bottle, too. i don’t use hand sanitizer and i dont need it and there are people who need these i guess but i want one so badly. just as a, you know, reminder, a token, of these crazy times. i’m not gonna get one (but i kinda want one).

they have finally installed screens at the registers. and new rules came down from corporate: social distancing is the highest priority, hygiene is the highest priority. we are only going to operate 3 (out of 6) registers so that we can ensure that there’s enough space for everyone to feel safe. i have also spent 2 hours today thinning out displays that are cluttering up the sales floor so that we can encourage everyone to keep apart.

starting tomorrow, every employee will get their temp taken when they arrive to work. if the temp is too high you will be sent home (but paid for that day) and only be let back in to work if your temp stays normal for 72 hours without the help of meds.

pay has been increased by $2/h.

friday 04.03.2020 9am - 5pm

face masks everywhere.

like 80% of everybody started donning masks, scarves and homemade things to cover their lower face. face masks are a stark reminder that everyone should keep apart. it’s like an extra “hey, remember how we’re all potentially sick with something deadly? stay away.” i appreciate the effect it has.

there are about 5 different announcements over the PA, one about washing your hands and sneezing/coughing into your elbows, one about senior hours (which have changed now to tue, thu and sat morning), one about social distancing (about the length of two shopping carts!), one about “we’re all in this together” and one about us employees and how we’re doing so much more than our job right now.

ive stopped greeting customers. i smile maybe, since it’s something so ingrained into our brain, but i won’t speak unnecessarily.

the store is absolutely packed. the suggestion of staying away until the 3rd or the 4th that ive seen all over the internets seems to have cottoned on and now we’re slammed. with only 3 registers open now (to keep room between registers) the lines are down the aisles. one of the guys on the registers told me he loved it. it’s waaay less crowding around the registers, safer for the workers).

we have two entrances (the main one and a smaller one) and they closed the smaller one because it’s very tight there and doesn’t really work with trying to stay away from each other. it’s not locked, it’s just closed. no idea about the fire marshall code, but i have worked in bigger stores with only one main entrance so maybe it’s not part of any code.

i saw a woman with a vegas golden knights shirt and i miss hockey.

saturday 04.04.2020 7am - 5:30pm

my first day during senior hours, and admittedly we’ve only recently changed that but there are tons of people in the store and not a lot of seniors. but what do i know they all could be immunocompromised.

in our morning huddle communications meeting the store manager is spitting out a lot of numbers and percentiles and such, basically sales are still through the roof, even with the slower week we’ve had. it’s funny how there’s really no reference point anymore. forecasts and budgets have all been altered due to the situation but even those are still behind. the agency people aren’t with us anymore (since sunday) and i can see maybe 2 new people - but i’m not a reliable source for that because i don’t inter-mingle with other departments that much so i dont even know the regulars so i have no clue who is new. but we’re still running on basically the same people we’ve always had with this increased business.

aceotone is the new toilet paper. cant find it on the shelves, the warehouse is out and people are constantly asking for it. this one guy had me in stitches. he was shopping for the fam and had a list from his wife and you know, acetone, cuticle cream all the stuff you need to take care of your nails after you rip off the fake ones. i used to get my nails done so i gave him advice as best i could  and pointed to some products, but no acetone. about five minutes later she finds me on the same aisle again and shows me a can of paint stripper with the word acetone in huge letters on it. i died. i told him that if his wife used that they are about to have a whole other set of problems. we both laughed. he had a great sense of humor. now go home, dude.

the side door that was closed on friday is open again. not surprised.

we are getting absolutely slammed with business. it’s a mad house. you can always tell when people start to park their cars on the fire lanes around the store. there’s just no more parking.

i do see a lot of single shoppers tho, which is so great. and then you got the families just sticking out like sore thumbs. and young college kids usually shop in threes or fours. but everybody is still taking way too much time. there was an article i read on local grocers and how some already reduced the people inside the stores and how every business is going to follow suit so we will see.

we ran out of eggs. and biscuits.  and no significant numbers of paper products all week.

monday 04.06.2020 2pm - 10pm

fuck these customers, man

wednesday 04.08.2020 7am - 3pm

my company will not limit the customer count in the store. at least not in this state. when the whole thing started there was an email about store hours and they listed basically every division of our company and their changed hours - except, you guessed it, ours. i have a feeling they are going off of what other companies are doing around here, so unless theyre limiting people, we won’t. that’s my opinion. after work i realized i forgot butter and swung by a store (from a different company) close to home and they havent limited entrance either. they did have markings on the floor to encourage one way traffic down aisles, and i guess we’re gonna do that too. but nothing else. i did see smaller chains have started to limit people but not companies we’re competing with. so much for that. i guess first we need to have a few positive cases in order for them to change anything. the dollar speaks volumes, eh?

i saw this article a few days ago and i keep thinking about it. it basically sums up everything that’s going through all our minds every day. (i have no idea who this website is, i saw it and i read it and it spoke to me so dont come at me if it’s something weird - i just wanted to provide a source)

I manage a grocery store.

Here’s some things everyone should know

1. I don’t have toilet paper 2. I don’t have sanitizer 3. I run out of milk, eggs and meat daily 4. I promise if it’s out on the shelf … it’s not in a hidden corner of our backroom.

Those are the predictable ones, now for the real stuff

5. I have been doing this for 25 years I did not forget how to order product. 6. I did not cause the warehouse to be out of product/ 7. I schedule as much help as I have, including many workers working TONS of overtime to help YOU. 8. I am sorry there are lines at the check out lanes.

Now for the really important stuff:

9. My team puts themselves in harm’s way every day so you can buy groceries. 10. My team works tirelessly to get product on the floor for you to buy. 11. My team is exhausted. 12. My team is scared of getting sick. 13. My team is human and does not possess an antivirus… they are in just as much danger as you are. (Arguably more) but they show up to work every day just so you can buy groceries 14. My team is tired. 15. My team is very under-appreciated. 16. My team is exposed to more people who are potentially infected in one hour than most of you will in a week (medical community excluded, thank you for all that you do!). 17. My team is abused all day by customers who have no idea how ignorant they are. 18. My team disinfects every surface possible, everyday, just so you can come in grab a wipe from the dispenser, wipe the handle and throw the used wipe in the cart or on the ground and leave it there… so my team can throw it in the trash for you later. 19. My team wonders if you wash your re-usable bags, that you force us to touch, that are clearly dirty and have more germs on them than our shopping carts do. 20. My team more than earns their breaks, lunches and days off. And if that means you wait longer I am sorry.

The last thing I will say is this:

The next time you are in a grocery store, please pause and think about what you are saying and how you are treating the people you encounter. They are the reason you are able to buy toilet paper, sanitizer, milk, eggs, and meat.

If the store you go to is out of an item.. maybe find the neighbor or friend that bought enough for a year … there are hundreds of them… and ask them to spare 1 or 2. They caused the problem to begin with…

And lastly, please THANK the people who helped you. They don’t have to come to work!

[aauuuggghh]

END TIMES

2 Timothy 3:1-5 (KJV)

“This know also, that in the last days perilous times shall come. For men shall be lovers of their own selves, covetous, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, Without natural affection, trucebreakers, false accusers, incontinent, fierce, despisers of those that are good, traitors, heady, high minded, lovers of pleasures more than lovers of God; Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof: from such turn away.”

Everyone Before always talked on this...end times bullshit. How “man” would become broken, far from god, wicked. Et cetera. But honestly? Now that we’re all here, i don't think anyone really wants to talk about it. They don't want to admit its over, we failed, because we’re all so fucking sad about it.

When everyone you know, and who they know, and who they know, on and on, is horribly conceited and evil and malevolent, you get depressed. I don't think they anticipated that. Its the end of the world, and no amount of zoloft will help us now.

It seems that it was the whole late stage capitalism and large fascist governement structures that just...did us in. you lie to get a job, to have friends, to have a partner, to succeed. Honesty is failure. Love is vulnerability. And vulnerability leads to honesty. Which then leads to failure. We didn’t even realize it was happening. “White lies” were no big deal when we were kids. But now your whole personality is structured. Your emotions are constructed and hidden. Your job is something you hate, but you put on a smile because you need to eat. You don't feel passionate. You don’t do what you like. You feel alone. Like the ultimate facade has been pulled....and no one even cares enough to drop theirs for a moment to help you drop yours.

I wish i had listened to them. My partner. They were so caught up in the pain of the world. Their compassion was too large. They sobbed over any political happening, knowing someone, somewhere, was hurt by it. They wouldnt eat for fear of taking my money and harming animals and those who work in the larger parts of the food industry. Their uterus, sitting softly between their hips, lay empty. All we had wanted was a child. But they refused. They couldn’t bring a baby into this world. This life.

It hurts to think about how much they begged me to run. To hide. Back in 20XX, they literally doubled over and screamed to get out, in bed, twitching and eyes glazed. I knew their fear. I

knew it well. But i couldn’t get up and leave. Or at least, i thought i couldn’t. If i had known their fear, their awareness of the truth of our situation, would drive them away....i would have gone to the ends of the earth to protect them.

But i felt so trapped. So anxious. I needed money to feed them and myself. I needed to pay rent, and for transportation. Their meds. Their doctors. My meds. My hormones were all i took for a while. I wouldn’t throw food away, force myself to eat their leftovers. Just dumb poor kid bullshit. And it ate more at my health than i’d like to admit.

But i don’t know, man. The end times hurt. They burn. There’s no horsemen, or dude coming back, or collection of the chosen. It’s just us. Tearing each other to shreds, either physically or with this looming anxiety of “we could blow you to shit”, and the response is, “if you do we will too. And we’ll all die.” everyone is clamoring for therapy, for religion, for community resourcing.

But no, we’re all just going to die. There’s no hope. That’s all, period.

And it’s not even that i’m cynical. The earth is dead, just 100 companies killed her. God doesn’t exist. If he does, he wants to see us go own in flames on par with the dinosaurs. It’s hell here. I’m more scared to die than ever, knowing i might go somewhere somehow worse than this. Seeing people die on the street each days, war after war announced, peaceful protestors killed, whole countries blacked out, the president of our country on twXtter everyday spouting off hate speech, closer to adolf than reagan? How would you feel?

How do you feel?

I wish i had hope, i wish i had my partner, i wish i had an antifuckingdepressant. They’re all gone since big phXrma closed its doors, telling us jesus would come and soothe our anxiety. He didn’t. He’s not coming. We’re alone, and we did this to ourselves.

I wish i had my partner back. I just want to hold them close again. So full of hope and life. Something i’d give anything to feel again. I’ll be chasing that high till the XmXzon drones come and collect me for reconditioning out in the midwest. And i’ll go quietly. I’ll go easily. I’d do anything to have a reason to die. But i can’t fight. I won’t. I just want to go to sleep and wake up to them. Them, and the baby we never had, and an unexplained lack of money so i never have to worry for our safety again.

[wolves-on-caffeine]

Love bites

Whats this? A fic for you? Yep!

Hope you enjoy!

Warning: blood, agrument at end

Logan was hungry, very hungry.

Normally he kept his hunger under control, but he hadnt been able to eat and was starving.

He was desperate.

So when he saw a hooded figure walking alone past an alleyway, he grabbed them.

“Sorry.” Passed logan’s lips as he shoved the hoodie sleeve up and bit into the strangers wrist.

Logan removed his fangs as quickly as he inserted them and spit out the blood. “Whst the fuck is that?!”

The hooded figured held their wrist. “Shouldnt i be asking you that?”

Logan looked at the guy- yes that was a guy- and had to take a second to compose himself. He was….quite attractive.

“Well yes, under the circumstances that would be expected, but in my defense, i am starving and would rather not taste your blood agian. How do you live with such…such…horrid blood in you?”

The guy stared at logan in disbelief. “Ok so..your a vampire im guessing.” Then crossed his arms.“and uh, rude,much? Im anemic.”

Logan ran the definition through his head quickly, and proceeded to take out iron supplements. “Take oen of these, wait are you on medicine alreasy? probably not with how your blood taste, ill make you a doctors appointment, i will,need your name.”

Hooded guy just stared at him. “No.” He gave a smirk.

“What do you mean no?” logan was confused, wouldn’t a human want to have good blood?

Hooded guy shrugged. “ I mean im not taking medicine, and im not going to a doctor. One, I’m broke, two, what are you going to do to make me? Bite me?”

Logan shoved the supplements at the hooded guy. “Name?”

“And im going to tell you, why?”

Logan gave a smile, “because i have your wallet?” and to prove so, he held it up.

Being a 200+ year old vampire means your good at pick pocketing.

“What? How did you- nevermind.” Hooded guy held out his hand for the wallet.

“Im Virgil. Virgil Bloodgood.”

Logan gave the wallet back and made a face.

“That is the most ironic name ever.”

_______

It had been a month since Logan bite Virgil, and yes, he did find a decent meal after words, but he visited Virgil every day.

Crawling through his apartment window, logan asked. “Did you go to your appointment today?”

Virgil looked up from his place at his desk, doing homework (logan found out he is a college student) and adjusted his hoodie.

“Oh my god Logan, can you not just use the door?”

Logan stood and and closed the window behind him. “I would, but you refuse to invite me in…luckily windows do not apply to that rule.”

Virgil just groaned and rolled across the floor in his chair. “No, i didnt go. You can’t make me.”

Logan sat on his bed. “Did you atleast get the cookbook I bought you?”

“Ah yes, "how to be delicious” the cookbook. Wonderful choice. Tell me, do you get this involved with all your meals?“ Virgil played with his bangs as if he didnt just imply the biggest insult of the century.

Virgil? Just a meal? Virgil who Logan, a vampire, has to force to sleep semi normal hours because he won’t sleep? Virgil who wears long sleeves and hoodies and socks and has 20 blankets on and is still cold? Virgil who dyed his hair purple and looks so adorable? Who shows Logan shows and ‘memes’ of the new world he doesnt understand?

Logan hadn’t know virgil long, but he is way more than 'a meal’ to Logan.

Of course, Virgil does not know that, nor need to know that.

"I only wish for you to be healthy. Your blood taste horrible, and it would not kill you to go to the doctors once to get meds and supplements to help. Also, if you ate atlleast normally instead of maybe once a day, I would back off a little, but if you insist on eating only once a day then it should at least be beneficial to you and include iron or -heaven forbid!- a actual food item instead of snacks and chocolate-”

That rant did not end soon.

______

4 more months and Logan and Virgil were friends(?) In a way at least.

Now Virgil was still stubborn about helping himself, but he was at least eating Proper meals, so long as logan made them (if you want me to eat, i don’t cook-ok, i’m cooking) which lead to logan moving in so he could cook when the sun was out.

But convincing Virgil lead to some….funny situations.

“Virgil, you need to eat! I made high iron food.”

“Not hungry.”

“Virgil, you need to eat.”

“Fine ill eat.”

“Rally? i thought it would be more of a fi-”

“If it is covered in garlic.”

“…You disgust me.” And Logan carefully put garlic on it.

___

Another time: Logan had been opening the curtains so Virgil could get some sun (he stood at the side, dont worry) and Virgil hissed and hid under hai bed.

“Oh my god Virgil, im the vampire, get out and enjoy the sunlight.”

“No, you can’t make me. Sunlight evil.”

“Althought i agree with that last statement, you need vitamin D.”

“Logan, I swear, if you want me to get vitamin D so much, ill go to the sunniest beach on the sunniest day in swim tunka just to avoid you.”

Logan laughed at him. “Please Virgil, no offense, but you? in a crowded beach? ” he laughed.

Virgil glared from the bed and moved to sit in the middle of the sun beam. “Ha, now you can’t touch me.”

Logan gave a fond smile to the back of Virgil and nodded. “Oh well”

_____

“I swear Logan, if you try to take me out to get sunlight in that sun hat of yours, i will go into the hall of mirrors and leave you there.”..Logan, who was wearing a daunting floppy sun hat so he could spend days with virgil outside, shook his head.

“Common misconception, but new mirrors show relections of vampires. It was only old mirrors that had silver backing to make it reflective that wont show reflections.”

Virgil had a evil look growing on his face. “Really now?” And went to the computer.

Logan walked over and looked,over his shoulder.“what are you looking up?”

Logan read the screen and gasped. “You wouldnt dare.”

Virgil grinned and hummed as he hit a picture. “I can afford that.”

“Virgil dont you dare hit that button!”

“Aaaaaand bought!”

That was how Virgil became the 'only’ proud owner of an antique silver backed mirror.

_____

Despite all the agruments, they did get along pretty well.

______

“Logan, what happened to the french in the 1800s?”

“Virgil, just because im over 200 years old doesnt mean i know everything.”

“Ok yeah but what happened?”

“Oh well what happened was-” and Virgil had an essay so good his teacher had him stay late to ask if he cheated. And he didn’t! Technically.

______

“Virgil, you forgot to do laundry again.”

“Oh shit, sorry, I forgot. You need your red polo tonight don’t you?”

“Don’t worry about it, i just wanted to inform you that i took care of it and you need not to worry about it. Also.” Logan threw a blandly at Virgil. “I put this in the dryer for a while. You enjoy when they are warm, do you not?”

Virgil cocooned himself instantly, and snuggled into the warm blanket.

“Your the best lo. What can i do to thank you?”

Logan gave him a smile, “maybe….go,to the doctors,tomorrow?”

Virgil,groaned but sighed. “One appointment! No,more.”

____

“Ok, so i say the meme,,you tel me what it means. Ready?”

Logan gave a determined nod. “Yes, i am ready.”

“Yeet.”

“To throw something, or a way to agree or show excitement.”

“Two bros.”

“Refers too two men who were in a hot tub at a large distance, who are not gay. A tragedy.”

Virgil laughed a bit. “Ok ok.. Free sha vacka do.”

“Fresh avocado spelled wrong, a 'mood’ if i am correct.”

Virgil gave Logan a high five. “You’re doing good, Logan!”

Logan smiled at Virgil. “Why thank you Virgil.”

_____

Virgil knocked on Logan’s door at 4 am.

Logan,opened in second, wide awake.

“Virgil? You should be-”

“Asleep? Yeah, but my room is cold, and I have a test at….3 pm today so I’m worrying.”

“Ah yes…may i ask how i am suppose to help?”

“Let ms sleep in your bed with you.”

Logan couldn’t fight the blush. “W..what?”

Virgil walked in and laid on his bed, messing up the perfect sheets as he did so. “I’m cold. Cuddle me.”

Logan stood at the door blushing. Ok so..sleep deprived Virgil is brave, no filter Virgil. Got it.

“I hate to disappoint, but i do not have a body heat to warm,you with,”

“Oh my god, are you going to cuddle me to not?”

Logan slid into the bed beside Virgil obediently and blushed. Virgil, as promise,d cuddled up to Logan and managed to get back to sleep.

Logan could not sleep. Not with the cuteness beside him, instead he carefully planted a kiss to the human’s forehead and smiled.

_____

“Are fangs sexy to vampires?”

Logan was..not expecting that. They were watching Steven Universe, when did fangs pop up?

“I..im sorry but..how did you come to this question?”

Virgil shrugged,sliding into the blankets more. “I’ve kinda been thinking about it for a while..cause you are pretty hot and..fangs add to that. So, as a human, i find fangs hot. But like..do other vampires find fangs hot?”

Logan stared at Virgil. He thought Logan was hot? Well perhaps…

“Well vampires do tend to see fangs as..flirtatious or..intimate…. I..personally..do prefer…flatter teeth myself.”

Virgil blushes and Logan could see the tip of a smile behind the blanket.

“Oh, ok.”

____

2 more months an Logan finally confessed. It was…messy.

Virgil and Logan had been having an argument over his need to have more iron, but it was..getting out of hand.

“I don’t want,to fucking eat that!”

“I know you like this food, you said this was your favorite and it is high in iron!”

"Why can’t you fuck off about my iron!“

"Why can’t you just eat without complaint for once!”

Virgil had grabbed Logan’s tie and pulled him down to eye level. “Will you stop treating me like I’m a fucking farm animal your waiting to chop up and eat! Quit treating me like your fucking meal!” Virgil had let go and backed up a bit, glaring daggers at the vampire.

Logan had to process everything. The argument, the closeness, the tie pulling,

'Your fucking meal!’ Rang in Logan’s head.

Logan grabbed Virgil by his hoodie and slammed his lips onto him, ignoring the tiny drops of blood he got from his and Virgil's lips alike (it was crushed kiss, fangs got in the way a bit)

Breaking the kiss, Logan glared. “You haven't been 'just a meal’ to me! Your sarcastic and honest and fucking gorgeous! You make my heart beat and my head spot working! I want you to eat and take care of yourself because i want you to be healthy, not so I can drink your blood! I love you Virgil, why can’t you see that!”

Virgil’s small squeak is what broke Logan out of it. He let go of his hoodie and backed away quickly, shock on his face.

“Virgil I..i am…"he took a breath, trying to force himself calm. "I apologize, my actions were not…they were uncalled for and I am Sorry I did that-”

“Did you mean it?”

“What?”

“Did you mean it when you said you loved me?”

Logan blushed and steeled himself, trying to prepare for the worse. He gave a nod. “I..I do love you Virgil…in a…romantic sense.”

Virgil seemed to relax a bit and rubbed on his bleeding lip. “Well…it would have been nice to be asked first, but….I’m glad.”

“Huh?”

Virgil walked over to Logan and grabbed his tie, gently pulling him in closer and giving him a soft kiss.

“Love you too.”

I loved this! Thank you so much!! I always love receiving fanfic, especially from you. ~S

[livelaughlove143sworld-blog]

I am so proudv#proudmommabm

I love myy 👧 👧 👧 girls. Cherish any moment you get to together. I was thtreated at gun point so i They all had such horrible lice!i had to give chas a treatment all. Not going to leave anyway. But feared for my children who didnt baith. The. The all had headlice so bad i had to use two kits on her(and that hapoened she came from over there to stay the night. My kids power and water was shut off, (but they still had the internet to play the placre s f tation. Kristy sold her food ssmtamps for drugs an cigarettes. Savanah didnt kmlike ne even though they have been together since she was 16. Everything he knows in bed , i taught him when were

Sexualy active(willingly???😭)

I made him into a man. When we first got together, he didnt shower, brush his teat or chang his clithes.  He was to much in hid driver game.

He had the a thing for "resident evil" and " madden"

He sn

Moked weed from the time he was nine. He got a ninth grade education 3x! Wow. Right now he has kidnapped my youngest, chasitie. Be will not give me her addre$ even though the "told"her i know. The mother fucker has abused me long enough. Its time to x

Stand up and face the croud. So 🚺 ladies a gentlemen

Stand up for yiu kids yneed to be patient, loving, ❤ careing, kind and praise them when they do a job well done...dont just sit ther and mak spaghetti and say 'go to your room. And of course she never say your A+ on a paper. . you gjrs(and) boy mean the 🌎 world to me. Do you rember bilki staying the night at kristy' old house? Well savanah was with him you dont do that shit aroud little girls you never talk bad about the other parent!!!that way the stay children and not streesed out children. I went through a lot of abuse to protect chasitie/ so i hope shes ok now.i dont understnd Why all of you my ( haters) ars frinds with my kids on facebook! Please explain...

I await your anzwer

Also who the hell punches 👊 my daughter in the face and DRAG HER BY HER LONG HAIR!Up a flight oc steps! Hmm...i wonder..how did lawna get her wrist broken. I DONT UNDERSTAND why my kids had matressrd on the floor and were locked in their rooms.

No.fitted sheet no pillow cases . Halie and lawna were separated. They got the shit beat out of them when they cried for me.  I went to their fathers work all the time begging to give them back to me! I bought my kids food. They showered at my house because they had no water.  All i wanted was to love and cherish every moment with my children. Then, rumors were spread that i was a crack head and hated them. Do you want to know what happened to me for 5 years? I was constantly raped, malested, drugged, and abused. The only thing good out of that was nanna. She was a 72 year old woman whos own family wouldn't take care of her! She taught me a lot. I was her personal care giver. Even with me being disabled, i took care of that wonderful woman until the day she died in my arms. Her family didnt give a fuck about what i did with her. I had to move back in with them and continue to be raped while his wife was at work. He even came to nannas when i lived there, he had a key 🔑. The one time or so that i would run and hide from him and tell him i had a male friend that i talkted to everyday, they moved new people in to pay their bills and kicked me out with no where to go. Well i found a place not knowing he was going to repeatedly rape and melest and drug me. His wife was in on it too! I had to sleep in the same room they did on a fouton. When he realized i wouldnt let him near me, they found a "wild"21 year old, they Didnt need me anymore. They took my rent money then took me to live with my sister and friends. Iam telling part of my story so my kids will understand where ive been. Then on march 29, 2019 i lost my mother. She suffered to, she wasnt taken care of properly and i know this first hand for the month (November) that i spent with her. Her "care taker" has her ashes and is already get married to another woman, yet, he wouldnt marry my mom? It took 19 years for him to buy her a ring 💍. He was not a "beliver"in medicine so he didnt give my mom the correct dosages to keep her comfortable. He would shut off her oxygen machine and watch her not be able to breath!i turned it back on and gave him a look. My mom suffered from sever dementia so she wouldn't know if or when she took her medicine, and he took advantage of that. One time when her medicine was out , there were 4 boxes (full) of liquid morphine. She only gets one at a time when her meds come in. He would yell, cus, scream , and tell her how stupid she was! Me and him butted heads with the way he treated my mom all those years. She deserved a much better life. She was an independent, loving, caring person who would help anyone she could! She was extremely organized and on a schedule everyday. She put me on one. She had several mini-strokes in her sleep from all the drunken stress he put on her. They slept in seperate bedrooms. They didn't hug, kiss, say "i love you" how was your day, nothing. My mother loved pepsi her whole life( not coffee) when she was in hospice in their living room. He bought coke instead. She would say i dont want this i want pepsi he would say drink it or apple juice. I have yet to see my moms ashes and belongings of mine from childhood. Chasitie was the only one who really knew her. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas there. I have the pictures. I miss my mom! I'm afraid of men 😨. To make things clear, just because my sister does drugs doesn't mean i do, so quit assuming.

Halie, lawna, chas, : i am still "your mommy bomby full of love!" And always will be. So girls, now that you are all teenager's i can finaly explain my story.

Woman & men that go through #abuse. Stand up for yourself!

[kjs-s]

The tower of Babel

Pairing  Nyota Uhura x reader

Fandom Star Trek Aos

Summary  A malfunction to the universal translator is keeping Uhura busy all the time.

Prompt “I haven’t slept in ages.”

Word Count: 1121

Warnings: This was inspired by a scene episode 4 of the second season of star trek discovery. It not that important to the plot but I still put a spoiler warning.

minor spoiler for Star Trek Discovery episode 2x4

A/N: This is my first  entry for @resistance-is-futile81 Protagonists writing challenge. I am working on a second one for Star Trek Discovery that I will post next week.

@writing-journeyx   @sprinkleofhappinessuniverse@ohyesmarvel@agentpeggicarter @buckyofthemyscira @romantichen @once-upon-an-imagine @locke-writes@lucetheding @marveliskindacool@captainrogerss   @jurassicbarnes@uncomfortable-writers@theassetseyeliner@sgtbxckybxrnes @thetherianthropydaily@dresupi@caplansteverogers @captainrogerss @dirajunara-archive@imamotherfuckingstar-lord @outside-the-government@thefanficfaerie@admiralamott @yallneedtrek@goingknowherewastaken @girl-next-door-writes @janeykath318 @kaitymccoy123 @musikat18

You tried hard to concentrate on the papers in front of you. You needed silence to be able to do your job and having to work on the bridge was not ideal. However, you had no choice since the equipment in your lab was acting a little crazy lately. That’s why you were staring at the chart in front of you trying to block any other conversation happening around you.

‘’ Are you alright there Lieutenant (Y/LN)? I can still help you with anything you need.’’ Sulu knew how you preferred your workplace to be and you were thankful that you at least were able to work alongside him for the time being.

‘’I’m just a little stuck but I am sure the solution will appear itself like always. Thanks for all the help though boss.’’ You knew how he hated when you called him that, but being your direct superior and one of your best friends made it easier for you to joke around.

‘’Don’t mention it. And don’t worry about your astrometric lab. The ensigns from engineering are working hard to fix everything. You will go back to being the isolated cartographer who barely speaks to the rest of us in no time.’’

‘’I speak to you Hikaru, I just need serenity to help me focus. You know that too much chatter often irritates me even if I don’t address it.’’ He knew you well to understand that. He was happy to have you nearby again that he searched for noise canceling headphones for you.

After a while of trying to find a solution, you decided to take a break and maybe check on the repairs in your lab.

‘’I need some fresh air. I will go for a little walk and be right back.’’ You informed Sulu.

‘’Fine, oh and can you go by my botany to make sure none of my flowers need watering please?’’ He looked as stunned as you were realizing he said that in what sounded like Spanish or Portuguese.

‘’What did you say?’’ You responded in Greek. You looked around and noticed not only everyone being bewildered but also all the monitors being in a variety of languages.

‘’What is happening?’’ Jim asked a little loud to be heard by everyone. It would be a good question if he hadn’t asked it in Gaelic.

‘’I can’t read my console.’’ An ensign pointed out in Klingon. ‘’And what language am I speaking?’’

‘’I can’t understand anything in my controls captain.’’ Another ensign replied in Mandarin. ‘’It must be a problem to the universal translator.’’

Realizing the problem that had occurred you signaled the captain to let him know that you were going to track lieutenant Uhura to help with the situation.

You found her in her room and it was obvious that she was about to take a nap.

‘’Nyota you need to come with me now.’’

‘’Of course, darling but why are you speaking Tagalog?’’ She said while getting ready.

‘’Universal translator has been invaded by a virus and not it’s translating everything into a different language.’’

The two of you ran to the bridge, which was still in complete chaos.

‘’Welcome to the tower of Babel lieutenant. I am so glad you didn’t follow Spock and Scotty on their away mission.’’ Jim was so relieved to see her that his French sounded like a poem.

You smiled as you watched your girlfriend move around the bridge like a dancer and interacting with all the machines. Knowing as many languages as she did was one of the things you admired about her.

She wrote something down and instructed you to track down Jaylah and give her the note. It was telling her to disable the translator hoping the backup one would work and translate everything to Earth English again.

Several hours passed without any progress. Nobody could work on anything without Nyota being there to explain what the consoles where saying. Some people who had learned other languages were able to assist, yet she was the one who did the most.

Late at night, you checked on her worrying that she must have been exhausted. She assured you that she was feeling fine and you let her get back to her job. You knew that pushing her to stop wouldn’t lead to anything good.

Almost at noon the next day, she was still assisting everyone all around the ship. You asked her to stop helping one of the crew members on the bridge for a moment so you can talk.

‘’You need a break. I understand that you are essential to all of us right now but not if you collapse. Jim, back me up here will you, please?’’ You wrote down a note saying ‘’tell her to sleep’’ on it.

‘’I tried to get her to go to sleep then again she won’t hear me. I had a hope you will get some sense into her. I don’t want McCoy to have to chase her through the ship. He does that with me.’’ He said all those towards you in Italian knowing Nyota would know that he had said.

‘’I hear you, captain. However, even though I haven’t slept in ages...’’She rolled her eyes saying that, thinking about how you were overreacting about the fact she didn’t sleep all night. ‘’I need to help everyone.’’ She spoke in English surprising everyone.

‘’Is it fixed? Is it finally over? Can you understand me?’’ Jim looked around to see the relieved faces on everyone around him. Jaylah informed everyone over the comm that she had fixed the translator.

‘’Seems like that. And you know what that means. You will so to see Christine in the med bay so she can check on you and then it’s off to bed. I will come by at noon to see how you are.’’

When you went by her room before lunch, she was still sleeping so you ended up spending your afternoon together. It didn’t strike you as odd that Sulu let you have the afternoon off. Perhaps he was afraid you would worry about Nyota being ok and complain about not being with her. You had a great time and anyone who saw you was grateful for her help during the crisis. You were happy to see everyone treating her with the adoration and respect she deserves. Both her and Jaylah who was reserving the same amount of praise for fixing the issue. In addition, while Nyota was singing a song for you, there was an announcement from the captain informing you of an upcoming shore leave after the away team returns. He was planning to throw a party for the two heroes on the ship.

[unknowngirl199424-blog]

Pt. 3

Now being the pretty innocent girl i was. I smoked weed very occasionally. Drank every now and then. But that was it really. I smoked cigs. Stupid choice i made at an even more stupid young age. I was 13 when i tried it. 15 when i started smoking every day. (My parents knew, they didn't care) my younger sister had been smoking for years. She partied a lot. Drank a lot. Smoked a lot. Took a lot of pills. Would steal my moms pain pills that she needed from the back surgeries. Mom would run out at the end of the month and would bawl... Literally wail in pain. And it never stopped my sister. I caught her several times. Id get pissed. Ask her wtf she was doing, or why... But she never stopped. I never told... I was drowning in depression. It started when i was 13. After my grandma passed. I changed... She was my world.

My parents partied ALOT!

Used LOTS of drugs...

Ranging from just weed, to coke, to meth...

The first half of my life... From birth till... 14? I think was when they quit all the hard shit for good. They were just... Mom and dad. I mean i loved them, i respected them, but... I didn't have anything to compare it to. It was normal for me to walk in and see light bulbs just randomly on the coffee table.

It was normal for me to wake my sis up in the morning, helping her get dressed, teeth brushed, food in her belly and out the door waiting on the bus. Every day. We lived in the country about 20 miles from town where our friends were. So all we had was each other. In the summer as soon as the sun started to show, 7:00ish. My parents would rush into our room. One would wake up me while the other would wake my sister. Rush us up and to get dressed and outside. We'd be outside alllllllllll day long in the summer in Oklahoma heat. They'd have friends over and lock the doors. We played. Sometimes the friends would bring their kids and we'd run around and play all day. I was a tom boy. I had scarred bloody knees almost daily from wrecking my bike. Would just walk around the property we lived on. Played with our dogs. Pissed off snakes that liked to live in the barn or chicken coop. I ran a lot. BUT IT WAS NORMAL TO ME. They started to quit when i was 12. Then grandma passed. They started again. Didn't stop for good until mom was hurt and dad was fired for pissing dirty for weed, coke, and meth. He was rehired 6 months later. But shit was rough at the time. So after losing my grandma. I went into myself. She loved me, took care of me. Gave me what i wanted and needed. I basically broke. I was never really an over joyous kid. I was raped and molested by my cousin. And so i always carried pain. But grandma was who made me happy. She passed. And from that point in my life from 13 to 18. I cut a lot. I was emotionless most days. But some days I'd break and cry for hours. For the longest time i thought i was depressed because of grandma. But i realized... Depression is a disease. And once you get a good dose of it, it stays. It twists and folds and wiggles its way into every fibre of your being and clings. And bad things that go on add to it and over time, you are eye level deep terrified you're gonna go under soon and no one will notice. Well over the years shit was added. Once I realised i could.... Not feel the pain and sadness... I latched on. Over time the occasional smoking weed went to every day several times a day. Drinking came up for awhile but i hated feeling like shit the next day so i quit. My ex gave me a pain pill one day.

I realised that not only could i get away from the pain and depression, i could feel fucking amazing while doing so. So it started out ya know. Once a week. Just one. To 2 a week to 4 a week to at least 1 every day. When we went up north. Pills were every where. Drugs in general. And i wanted to experience things. We had fun. Went lots of places. Did lots of things. Parties, festivals, fairs, amusement parks, museums, art museums, craft fairs, art stores, book stores, malls, movie theaters.. Just... it was great. I met her friends. They were like her. We partied a lot. I was soley living in the moment for once instead of striving to please everyone else. It was a stupid choice. But it was my choice. Over the years. The fun with it stopped... it became a nessecity. She got shitty and mean sober and i was just as miserable. I wanted happiness not that. Her dad would give us pain pills every day and muscle relaxers. If we did literally anything for him he'd pay us in pills. My ex was also prescribed pain pills too! We'd go through them so quick and then he'd give them to us so we didn't go through withdrawal. By year 3 (2015) I'm 21. I'm working a few months here a few months there. Living the same daily cycle. My day didn't start until pills were thrown down my throat. The habit got bad. I was to a point i was taking fucking handfulls of pills. Daily. And didn't feel ok until then. The few days i didn't have them, i literally slept all day and all night. I was burying my issues with a dark coping mechanism.

I started falling out of love. I left her once last year and we got back together the next day. I told her she couldn't keep stopping me from leaving because it was making me hate her. She wouldnt let go. We stayed together for 4 months. I broke up with her and moved back to oklahoma the beginning of this year. But she was my comfort. Pills were my comfort. After being here for 4 months i let her come back. It was bad. I got back into pills again and one day i told her i didn't want to be with her anyone. She was here for a month at that point. But she wasn't trying to work. She wouldn't do anything. But look for pills. I told her i was done. She gave me some pills. I didn't know what they were but she told me they were for anxiety. And i was really upset. So i took them. We kept arguing. She kept giving me more. My parents stopped by to drop something off, i guess i was wayyyyy out of it. They leave. The fight blows up. I tell her i want her gone. She kept refusing. Idk what happened. It was like a light switch went off. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a steak knife and sliced my wrist up for the first time ever... I only cut my stomach and thighs as a teen. She came around the corner and saw what i was doing and broke a glass vase i had. She ran over and grabbed the blade. Started yanking it from me. I guess we fought over it pretty hard cuz all i remember was it flying across the room and when i got back 6 days later it was soooo bent up.

She kept going and going and i grabbed a piece of glass and cut, she got it away and i just collapsed to the floor. She tried hugging me. I screamed at her for being toxic for me. To not touch me. To just call my mom. My mom shows up. Its like 11:30 at night at this point and she freaks out. My ex starts shit with her. They argue. I scream at them that they needed to stop and mom took me to the er. I guess by that point i was in and out of consciousness. One thing i do remember was seeing an old teacher that i had from yearrrrs ago when i went to a vocational school to become a certified nurse aid. I really looked up to her at 17. Admired her. She was a Dr there in the er. It was humialting. I cried. I guess i pissed in a cup for em or something. I don't remember. But they told my mom (which i didn't find out till almost a week later) that i was overdosing. That all of what i took hadn't caught up and that's why i was talking really crazy and blacking out. I don't remember. But the next morning i wake up. There was a cop sitting next to my bed. 20 mins later im being handcuffed and put in a cruiser and drove over a hr to a phych place. Guess the dr asked me the night before what would happen if i went home and i said i didn't know. So they legally put me there for 5 days so i couldn't be any harm to myself.

5 good things about being put there.

1. I had no access to pills, alcohol, even cigarettes. So i was very very clear headed. The first time in almost 6 years. Had time to think about where tf my life has landed me.

2. I realized how fucking truly bad our relationship was. And came to the conclusion that if we stayed together. One, if not both of us was gonna end up in a casket. Whether it be from pills or not. It was gonna happen.

3. I realized that i deserved wayyyy better. Relationship wise. Life wise. I deserved someone who could push me in the healthy direction. Make positive choices. I felt like instead of maturing, i was still trapped in an 18 yr olds mentality.

4. I ended it. And that time i meant it. There's nothing she could offer me. That would make me go back. Not a million dollars, not a billion, not even all the stars in the sky. I have nothing for her.

5. I met someone who treats me amazing now. Who pushes me. Keeps me away from the shit. I've been pain pill free for 5 months and its staying that way.

And for once... I'm starting to actually feel happy. Genuinely. I was prescribed anti depressants, anti anxiety, and a sleep disorder med. I stopped taking the anti depressants because they made it worse. But im to the point where the good days finally out weigh the bad. And when the bad come, i roll with it.

For the new year. I have a few goals.

1. Continue all the hard work ive put into myself. Keep eating healthy. Keep exercising. Keep pushing myself forward. No more settling for less what what i truly want.

2. Stay tf away from pain pills. 👍 keep fighting that demon in me who whispers how good I would feel or how one wouldn't hurt...

3. Quit smoking cigs. They're killing me. My lungs hurt all the time.

4. Continue bettering my life. I got away from her for 4 months and i had my own home, vehicle, and a high paying easy job. Brought her back for a month, had a suicidal moment. But she's gone and im in a great relationship. And I'm fucking HAPPY!

5. Quit being so fucking hard on myself. I hate the way i look, i hate my body. But they can be changed. Stress over things that need it but relax more. I'm 24. I still have time.

I STILL HAVE FUCKIN TIME

[idedicatethisblogtodestiel]

150 for the hella cute questions?

Who was the last person you held hands with?2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy man i hate people3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

JOJO SIWA4. Are you easy to get along with?

depends. im noice but i choose not to hang with people? if that makes sense5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

no one lmao6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

anyone thats not me but also democrat 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nah8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

ryan my friend9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Y E P10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my sister11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

me too lmao 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

idk i dont listen to new songs?????? AAAAAAH 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes unless but not if its in my face14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

LMAO LUCK IS REAL HOW DO YOU THINK DUMB PEOPLE GET FAMOUS?15. What good thing happened this summer?

i dont remember 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

lmao no fuck them17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

UH YEAH...OBVIOUS18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

idek who it was19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes but they are bad for you vag so i dont do it20. Do you like your neighbors?

ew no. 21. What are you bad habits?

i have OCD so i guess my compulsions22. Where would you like to travel?

israel, UK, Poland, Canada, Austrailia23. Do you have trust issues?

YUP24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

coffee25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach then boobs then arms and then pretty much everything else26. What do you do when you wake up?

eat breakfast while watching youtube

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im ok with it now?28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my parents/siblings29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

yeah lmao30. Do you ever want to get married?

that’s gonna be a no from me dog31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

ya32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

team free will, chris’ (evans, pratt, pine)33. Spell your name with your chin.

no.34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i used to play volleyball 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

music. WATCH MUSIC ON THE TV.36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

all the damn time.37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKO....

black curly hair, pun and meme connoisseur, loves dogs, loves horror movies

my aesthetic boy type is: people who look like kurtis conner basically39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

American Eagle, Bath and Body Works, Victoria Secret. But i go into forever 21 to just hate on everything then leave without buying stuff.40. What do you want to do after high school?

im in college now and im majoring in anthropology41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on the severity of the sin/crime42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im seriously traumatized and have shut down.43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah i feel bad if i dont 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outerspace45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact it costs money to live so i have to get up if i want money46. What are you paranoid about?

nothing much anymore I have meds for paranoia now47. Have you ever been high?

no i got asthma48. Have you ever been drunk?

yeah its fun49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no im an average person i dont do weird things50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

green!51. Ever wished you were someone else?

YEAH WTF DOESNT EVERYONE?52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

how i look53. Favourite makeup brand?

tarte or benfit54. Favourite store?

starbucks55. Favourite blog?

animatedtext56. Favourite colour?

GREEEEEEN I ONLY WEAR GREEN AND BLACK57. Favourite food? 

sushi 58. Last thing you ate?

ice cream59. First thing you ate this morning?

i think cereal60. Ever won a competition? For what?

volleyball and county art contest61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

i got expelled for not wearing sleeves when i had self harm scars62. Been arrested? For what?

no63. Ever been in love? 

ya :/64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

too long but it wasnt awkward and it was on the harbor with an emo guy65. Are you hungry right now?

nah im constipated66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont have tumblr friends :////////////67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?

no youtube70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Abbey Mell Nikki71. Craving something? What?

to shit tbh72. What colour are your towels?

white and purple and blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

373. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 

embarassing but ya74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

idk i have several stored so im guessing 40-45?75. Favourite animal?

piggies raccoons dogs 76. What colour is your underwear?

white and black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cinnamon, blueberry, bubblegum, chocolate covered strawberries, oreo79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

green80. What colour pants?

black81. Favourite tv show?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

82. Favourite movie?

lots final destination and heathers83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

karen smith86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dont like finding nemo so idk87. First person you talked to today?

my parents88. Last person you talked to today?

my parents SORRY IM LAME89. Name a person you hate?

trump, rosie, loren, danielle, jacob, pence, so many more90. Name a person you love?

my dog remington91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

always92. In a fight with someone?

no93. How many sweatpants do you have?

394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

10????95. Last movie you watched?

greta- not very good96. Favourite actress?

winon ryder97. Favourite actor?

all the chris’ and all of supernatural actors change my fucking mind.98. Do you tan a lot?

never99. Have any pets?

1 dog100. How are you feeling?

sad :/101. Do you type fast?

yep102. Do you regret anything from your past?

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE103. Can you spell well?

???? like grammar or spell the word well104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

always105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no ive never been invited anywhere i was bullied a lot106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah felt really bad, i rejected someone’s homecoming invite107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah as a baby108. What should you be doing?

homework109. Is something irritating you right now?

everything110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

have you seen my account?111. Do you have trust issues?

yup112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my parents113. What was your childhood nickname?

mosh, moshi, mashalala114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yep to oregon washington hawaii and colorado and poland and germany115. Do you play the Wii?

used to116. Are you listening to music right now?

no117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

ye118. Do you like Chinese food?

YE119. Favourite book?

probably beastly i read that so many times and how to ruin your boyfriends reputations120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah121. Are you mean?

idk122. Is cheating ever okay?

I’d say no123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

NOPE124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

haha no.125. Do you believe in true love?

doubt it but it’s possible126. Are you currently bored?

no127. What makes you happy?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

128. Would you change your name?

probably 129. What your zodiac sign?

gemini130. Do you like subway?

it’s aight131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i wouldnt date a friend132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

sister133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hey hey mama just the way you move gonna make you sweat gon make you move134. Can you count to one million?

i refuse135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i cant my blood hurts136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed137. How tall are you?

5′7″-5′8″138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette orange140. Summer or Winter?

summer141. Night or Day?

night142. Favourite month?

october143. Are you a vegetarian?

no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark145. Tea or Coffee?

both!146. Was today a good day?

it’s aigh147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers148. What’s your favourite quote?

“they may forget what you did or what you said but never how you made them feel”149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yup150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

im too lazy(via itsgracesdrunkmametown)

[redheadedramblings]

Good for each other (Part 6)

Title: Good for each other (Part 6) Paring : Bucky x Reader Summary: Bucky Barnes has lost everything. He is alone in this world, at least not until you enter his life. word count: 8201 (sorry!) warnings: maybe slight panic, fluff, bruce being a protective dad, concerned Bucky A/N : Holy crap sorry this took forever! I went on vacation and I had to move back into my apartment at school so its been a stress. But I finally got back to it and I have a lot of writing in my drafts so I hope to get to them soon! I made this chapter super long, I am so sorry about that. I hope you like it! Tell me what you think! The italics indicate a flashback.

masterlist

Bucky was feeling better this week, his mood was happier and there was something different in the air. Maybe it had to do with the fact he was sleeping though the night, or the fact that he hadn’t had a nightmare since he began to sleep next to you. What ever it was, he was feeling great and it showed, the team noticed it. He would carry himself differently, he began to participate in more activities that he usually wouldnt. He started to do a lot of things out of his comfort zone which was huge for him and really showed how well he had improved. Just a two years ago he wouldn’t even leave his room, he would stay in there all day long and only come out to eat. But now, he was out and about, going out with you, helping trainees with Natasha and even sometimes going down to visit Bruce in the labs which he hardly did.

Therapy also was helping, his mental state was getting better and he didn’t feel as trapped anymore. His brain was clearer, he could think faster and he wasn’t moody and depressed anymore. He felt lighter, he now walked with confidence and would talk a lot more. He would bicker with you like he always did, but that came with living with you of course. But he felt closer to you, now more than ever. 

He woke up late in the after noon, his body tangled in soft blankets on the couch. Sitting up he rubbed his eyes and looked around to see where you were but you weren’t there and neither was River. Getting up from the couch he patted down the hall way and into the kitchen avoiding dogs toys sprawled out on the floor along the way. When he walked in he is shocked to see Sam standing behind the counter. You were sitting on a stood at the counter eating lunch and watching something on the small television that was below the cabinets. River was rolling around on the floor with a chew toy in her mouth and her tail thumped on the ground in excitement. Bucky made his way to you and sat down in the free stool on your left. 

“What are you doing here?” Bucky asks Sam while leaning his elbows onto the marble. Bucky knew that today the two of you didn’t have any therapy sessions, and if he was here to baby sit he certainly didn’t call and tell you he was coming which he usually would do.

“Just here for a brief check in.” Sam brushes Bucky off not even looking at him. He is washing a pan in the sink, it appears that he had made you lunch and he was cleaning up after himself. Barnes turns his attention to you and watches as you gobble up your food, eyes still focused on the television that is across the kitchen. He lets out a breathy laugh while he watches you, your shoulders shrugging up and down as you take a new bite. Bucky is amused at your little happy dance.

“And whats up with her?” he asks nodding at you with his head.

“Oh, you should have seen her a few minutes ago, she had an attitude, but now she is fed so she is back to normal. She was just hangry.” Sam points at you with a spatula. You finally peel your eyes from the tv and give Sam a guilty shrug and turn to Bucky with a mouth full of food. With his one hand holding his chin up and the other laying on his lap he watches you eat. Your little dancing in the seat making him chuckle to him self, he watches your chewing which has become a force of habit for him. You pick up on it almost instantly and so does Sam, you are well aware of what he is thinking about. Knowing he always worried when you ate, occasionally glancing over at him as you chewed slowly, you didn’t want to make him worry about it anymore.

It had been raining all week, the air was too thick and the humidity was bad. The team began letting you walk around outside but under very close supervision with a limited time frame. There was a little garden house that you liked spending your time in, you would spend hours in the small area just staring up at the sky. When it was time for you to leave Bucky was the one who would collect you, he would escort you back to the flat you both shared. But it was rainy the past couple of days and you were getting anxious feeling cooped up in the apartment all day. You began to be restless, you didn’t know what to do with yourself and your mind began to wander, and that was dangerous. You couldn’t be left alone for too long or you would have an episode or a panic attack from all the thinking, so they tried to keep you occupied with something else. It would be little things, sometimes they were dumb and insignificant but they worked and kept you out of the way for a while. Cleaning seemed to help, it gave you a sense of accomplishment, organizing medical files also helped. You never once complained or were bothered by it, for it was helping you stay in your own mind. Today the tower was mainly empty, it was a Friday afternoon and the thunderstorms were constant. For some reason thunder didn’t settle well with you and it made you jump, and being in a high up building in the sky didn’t help that fact. Bucky knew something was wrong the moment he heard you shuffling around the apartment, your feet patting around on the floor. When he rounded the corner he found you digging around the room, picking up things and then setting them down again. He watched for a moment when you momentarily turned and he saw your eye brows furrowed together and your teeth sinking into your bottom lip. A bright flash of lightning lit up the outside followed by a large crack of thunder that felt like it shook the entire building. The sound made you jump and you let out a high pitched yelp and covered your ears and fell to your knees. In a blink of an eye Barnes was next to you grabbing onto your shoulders while you pressed your forehead to the floor. “Easy! Easy, Y/N your alright. Its okay! Its just thunder! Its not going to hurt you! Your alright.” he spoke in your ear. He stayed hovered over you for a couple moments until you lifted your head up slowly as he knelt down in front of you to look at your face. “I’m sorry.” you breathed out trying to get ahold of yourself. He always hated when you apologized for things like this, things that you clearly couldn’t control. “Here, get up.” he said pulling you to your feet. As he walked you over to the bar stool the door opened in walked Bruce with a brown paper bag in his hands. “Is she alright?” He quickly asks walking over to the two of you and quickly putting the bag on the table. “Yea, she just got spooked by some thunder.” Bucky reply to him. “Y/N? Are you alright? Talk to me Y/N.” Bruce asks kneeling down to you grabbing your shoulders firmly. His eyes roaming yours searching for any signs of distress. “Yea, I’m Okay.” you finally look up at him and he holds your face. “Really. I’m okay.” You tried your best to sound as calm as possible when in reality you were slightly shaking and were beginning to claw at your wrists under your sleeves. Bucky grabs your hand instantaneously and holds them tight stopping you from hurting yourself. “Have you taken your meds today?” Bruce asks, Bucky stands near you, his eyes never leaving your form. He holds your arms securely, but soft, you twitch under his grip but begin to relax to his touch. “Yes, I have.” you said softly. “When was the last time you ate?” Banner asks trying to distract you. Your silence answers his question for him, he lets go of you and steps behind the counter and clatters though the kitchen taking out ingredients and cooking utensils. “Lets start on dinner alright? Its about time to eat anyway.” he says as he lays out the food in front of him on the counter. As Bruce rummages around Bucky still stands by you holding onto your wrists, afraid if he let go, you would begin to harm yourself again. Rubbing his thumbs on your skin you look up at him and give me a slight nod adding a smile to go with it. He didn’t buy it at first, he felt that you were faking being okay just to ease his mind. So Bucky refused to let go of you for a while, he just stood there next to you holding your arms as you sat still. Eventually you gave in and your body slummed slightly, you were no longer tense and your arms went limp. He gave you a satisfied look and he spun you around so that you were facing the counter. Letting go of you he stepped back and your skin called for him back with his sudden warmth leaving your skin. “I’ll help!” Bucky quietly chimes in as he also stepped behind the counter to help him prepare dinner. The two men start dinner and you sit silently at the table and watch them as they both scurry around the kitchen cooking. Banner was the one to talk first he began to talk about random topics trying to engage you with some how. It didn’t work that well, you would grunt relies and would just stare blankly at the wall and when the rain poured harder on the window you seemed to curl into yourself. Bucky noticed it and ratted his brain for something to do, he had to do something anything. He knew what you were feeling all too well, he had been there too many times before. An impending panic or anxiety attack was a tough thing to tackle. He tried to remember what others would do for him but it was no use. No one was really there for him when he would go though these things in the past and even now. But he wasn’t going to let you be alone, he couldn’t. He didn’t want you to suffer the same fate, to end up like him. While he moved he accidentally bumped a jar full of measuring tools, and it fell off the counter and clattered to the ground, the objects scattering on the floor. He looked down and winced at the sight and at the noise afraid that the sudden sound might have scared you. But to his surprise he heard you laugh it was a genuine laugh, nothing fake, it was real. It took him off guard and both Bruce and Bucky looked up and stared at you, shocked and surprised to hear such a pleasant sound coming from you. To be honest, it was probably the first time either of them had heard you laugh. After a long moment, the men exchanged looks, Bruce half smiling at Bucky’s reluctant expression and they returned to their work. His clumsiness made you laugh and he knew now that he had to use that to his advantage especially now. After cleaning up the floor and setting it back into its place on the table he began fooling around, making faces at you just to hear you laugh. The sound of your voice egged him on and it made him feel warm. He stepped it up and began making funny faces at you and even Banner when he wasn’t looking making sure that you saw it. He even picked up utensils and twirled them around with his metal fingers. Before he knew it Bruce was serving the food on plates and he slid one over to you and handed you a fork and knife. Pulling it toward you, Bruce turned to walk over to the sink to start washing dirty dishes. Immediately you hunched over your food and began to shovel it into your mouth, taking bites that were too big, almost like your life depended on it. This startled Bucky and he noticed suddenly raced over to you and tried grabbing the fork out of your hands but you jerked away from him. “Stop Y/N! Slow down! Don’t eat so fast! You are going to choke if you keep eating too fast!” Bucky exclaimed while he continued to reach for your hands. You froze in front of him, your cheeks full with food, Banner turned around and threw down the towel down. A mixture of frustration and fear creeped up on Bucky as he watched you slightly scotch back in the seat away from him. He was about to reach for you again when he stopped himself and pulled back, a sad realization suddenly setting in. This was the first time he ever saw you ate, when you would get your meals everyday, you would always be with Banner down in the lab under close watch. You shoveled the food in your mouth for the fear of not knowing when you would get your next meal, and the fear of it being stripped away from you. It registered with him that it was probably because who ever had held you captive didn’t feed you that much, only enough to get you by. So many red flags were popping up now that Bucky was silently scolding him self for not seeing earlier. You were oddly thin when they first found you and slightly malnourished, something that he didn’t notice until he got a good look at you. Gently he took a step back and raised his hands slightly to you when he saw the death grip you had on the fork. “Swallow!” He instructed you, in a calm but firm voice. Slowly you gulped and put the fork down on the table. “Slow down! You cant eat that fast! You are going to make yourself sick! Slow down okay?” he asked with a hint of desperation in his voice. You nodded but refused to move in your spot, your body frozen from being scolded. “Continue eating, I just want you to slow down okay? Just take smaller bites and slow down is all.” he spoke noticing your response. Shaking your head in understatement you reached for your fork and began eating, slower this time. You looked more relaxed but on alert, looking around the room and eyeing Bucky who was still standing next to you. After a couple moments he sat down at the stool next near you and leaned on the marble watching you eat and counting your bites. Bruce was in shock of what he had just witness. He had noticed something was off in Bucky’s attitude the minute he walked in and saw him helping you during your panic. This wasn’t like him, he knew Bucky didn’t like you it was apparent from what he displayed toward you. But for some reason Barnes changed and it was clear from the interactions it was evident that he was changing because of you. Banner had seen you have problems eating before and he would always take time out of his day to sit with you during all of your meals and observe you while you ate so that way you wouldn’t choke. He didn’t once think that Bucky would do the same, he saw as the color drained out of him as he rushed to your side the minute you started to eat. Watching you and Bucky sit there silently at the table eased his mind, the way Bucky’s eyes would roam your face and the way he would signal for you to slow down if he felt that you were eating too fast gave him hope and the sense that your presence was helping Barnes. The two of you were becoming friends and the thought of that made him smile, and he turned back to the dishes to finish his work.

“Alright I am headed out, but before I go I wanted to remind you guys that the annual charity auction is in a few days and they are requiring the two of you to go.”

“What?” you and Bucky exclaimed in unison. 

You turned your head to Sam in disbelief and Bucky let out a scoff in annoyance. The Avengers hosted this fancy party every year, it was a huge charity event that was open to the public. The proceeds would go to people in need or families that were torn apart by wars. You were never allowed to go, they felt that it would be wise for you to stay put for safety reasons and your mental health. So when the time rolled around every September you would be alone in your room eating snacks and snuggling with River.

“Why are they making us go? Why all of the sudden are they letting Y/N come?” Bucky questioned.

“Fury feels like Y/N has made great strides in the past couple of months so he feels she is ready, plus it will look good for his higher up pals if you know what I mean. The two of you have to go this year, everyone has to go, so dress pretty and for the love of god, please be ready when I pick you guys up.” Sam pointed at you and you held your hand over your heart pretending to be offended. “Do we have to go?” you complained while slumping you shoulders. “I don’t want to interact with people. People are boring…” Sam just ignored your pouting and picked up his coat hanging on the rack and walked towards the door.

“I will pick the two of you up on the 14th at 2pm sharp. Be ready.” he waved with out looking back and you and Bucky just grunted as he walked out of the room. 

It was around midnight when Bucky walked into the pitch black kitchen to hear chewing sounds coming from around the counter. Stepping around the counter top he flicked on a light, there you were sitting on the ground with a tub of ice cream in between your legs. Your head hung low watching the screen of your iPad that you held in one hand, and in the other hand you held a massive spoon that was clearly not meant to be eaten ice cream with. River laid never to you sprawled out with her head up on your foot, her tail began to wag when she saw Bucky. 

“I see you are relieving some stress for tomorrows party.” Bucky joked as he opened the silverware drawer and pulled out a matching spoon. 

“Hey, I got to do what I got to do.” you confessed not even looking up with a spoon in your mouth. Bucky sat down in front of you and stretched his legs out around you so that you were in his center. Dipping his spoon in the container he took a large bite of the cold substance and swallowed making a face to you.

“Brain freeze?” you asked.

“Yea.” he grumbled.

“Buck, your name is the Winter Solider. I thought you were used to the cold?”

“Not freezing cold ice cream.” he sassed. You laughed and set your tablet down next to you and took another bite.

“I don’t want to go to this stupid party tomorrow. Too many people, I don’t like crowds. I can’t believe Fury is making me go.”

“I know.”

“How do you survive?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t really interact with anyone, Steve was the once who always did the talking. He was such a people person.” Bucky’s voice faded out and you inched forward.

It was true Steve loved it, he was the one who hosted the event every year. He loved talking with the kids, meeting new people and honoring veterans. It killed you to see such sadness etched in Bucky’s face at the mention of his best friend. 

“Ah, well I guess we will just have to power though it then. It can’t be all that bad, they have free food right?” you laughed. Bucky smiled and looked down shaking his head at you. “Yea they have free food so you can eat until you explode.”

“Excellent!” you chuckled.

Sitting on the floor with him the hours passed and you began talking with him like you usually did, about the good and the bad. The two of you would get into insult matches in which you would always win and he would complain like a child. You ended up laying on the floor, your back touching the cold tile and your legs spread out. Bucky had been on a rant about something from his childhood when he stopped to realize that you had fallen asleep. Carefully standing up he put the empty ice cream container in the trash and the spoons in the sink and turned to look back at you. Bending down he gently scooped you up in his arms carefully trying his best not to make you stir as he walked you down the hall to the living room. River followed right on Bucky’s heals and once he reached the entrance she hopped up on the couch and plopped herself down. He set you down in your usual spot and covered you up with your favorite blanket. Crawling back to his spot he laid him self down next to you and in no time his eyes fluttered shut and he fell into a deep sleep. Bucky wakes up the next morning rather uncomfortably with sun beams reaching into his eye lids. Shifting on the couch he opens one of his eyes slightly to look around the room when he sees the hanging clock on the wall and shoots up suddenly when he realizes the time. Its 1:40, Sam will be there in 20 minutes. 

“Y/N!” he screams.

His voice makes you squeal and your body jumps a few inches in the air and you fall off the couch in a heap. River begins to bark and jumps down and grabs one of her toys on the ground thinking that its time to play. Bucky shoots off of the couch and begins to run down the hall to his room. “Y/N! We over slept! We are going to be late!” you hear his muffled yells coming from his room. Running back into the living room he over looks the couch and notices you aren’t there. 

“Y/N?” he dryly questions while walking around the front of the couch to see you slightly wiggling on the floor tangled in blankets. With you eyes squinting and your bottom lip pushed out you looked up at him with your hair a mess and in your face. 

“What are you doing on the floor? Get up! We are going to be late!” he scolds while turning away to run down the hall way again. You moan in annoyance and begin to squirm on the carpet like a slug, getting up you yawned while walking into your room. River follows you with a toy in her mouth and jumps on your bed and begins to rip it apart.

“Buck I don’t even know what I’m wearing to this stupid thing!” you shout to your door.

“Natasha stopped by yesterday and dropped off a dress or something for you. Its hanging in your closet!” You hear him yell as he rummages though his drawers.

Rolling your eyes you walk over to your closet and see a dress hanging from a hook wrapped with a sheet of plastic wrap to keep it safe. Taking the dress out you hold the fabric to yourself and look in the floor length mirror to inspect it. You didn’t want to admit it but the dress was beautiful, the color was bringing out your eyes beautifully. 

“Gross…” you mumble to yourself as you slip into it. After a few minutes a very impatient Bucky marches to your door and knocks an unnecessary amount of times. 

“Y/N! Come on!” he calls out. 

“Calm down you old fart! Give me a minute!” you grunt as you smooth out the dress with your hands.

“Hurry up and get out here! Our baby sitter will be here soon!” he shouts referring to Sam. 

“I don’t want to go I hate dresses! I cant do this! I am just going to stay and hide in here!” You begin to pat at your face in the mirror while listening to Bucky bang on your door. River began rolling on your bed in amusement and chewed at your covers while the two of you went back and fourth. 

“Either you come out or I will break the door down!” He threatened.

“I look terrible Barnes!” you hollered in an exhausted tone.

“I am sure you look like a million bucks now will you please hurry up!”

Huffing you looked down at the foot of your mirror to see a pair of black heals, you awkwardly slipped into them and ran your fingers through your hair. Turning you walked or in this case wobbled to the door and slowly opened it. To your surprise Bucky wasn’t standing there anymore but his voice lingered from down the hall. Turning back to River you motioned her to follow you and she jumped down from your bed and trotted into the kitchen. When you rounded the corner you saw Bucky and Sam standing there in the kitchen waiting for you. Sam wore a gray suit with a patterned tie with a falcon pin on it no doubt as a conversation piece. Bucky’s suit was black, and so were his shoes, his hair was pulled back into a small man bun to keep it out of his face. 

Sam was trying to convince Bucky to pin a Captain America shield pin on his tie but Bucky kept pushing him away as while getting harassed. When your heals clicked on the wooden floor both of their heads spun toward you and they froze in place. Bucky’s eyes widened as his eyes wandered your form, he had never seen you in a dress before, you never wore them. He had only seen you in pjs or combat gear, you never dressed up, you found it too uncomfortable. He knew you were a bit of a tom boy, you weren’t a girly girl and someone would literally have to put a knife to your throat to force you to brush your hair. But looking at your figure in front of him made him feel butterflies in his stomach and his whole skin felt hot. You looked beautiful, your hair was wavy and cascaded down your shoulders. The dress hugged you but the fabric was loose, your skin was glowing in the sunlight from the windows. Natasha did have good taste you had to had it too her, she knew what she was doing, she was the worlds best spy was she not? The makeup that you managed to throw on last minute was light and was illuminating your natural features. Your face was gentle and calm as you looked up, your gaze finding his finding his eyes lingering on you. Teleporting right in front of him you put your hands behind your back and leaned in and he didn’t budge, his mouth was slightly agape as he still stared at you. 

“So, do i look like a million bucks?” You crossed struck a pose in an attempt to look cute but failed miserably. 

“No, more like 2 dollars.” Sam teased while looking you up and down. “Oh thats cold.” you smiled at him. He then looked down at his watch and nudged Bucky with his elbow knocking him out of his trance that you had put him in.

“Alright kids lets go!” Same started to the door. You called for River and made sure she stayed in the common area so she wouldn’t get into the food in the kitchen. Clicking to the door Bucky held it open for you as you wobbled past him. As you passed though the door you hit him on the chest with the back of your hand. 

“You clean up nice old timer.” you winked as he felt his cheeks turn pink as he closed the door behind him and followed you and Sam down to the garage. “You guys are late” was the first thing said to you as you walked into the giant banquet hall.

“Correction, we are fashionably late.” you stuck your pointer finger up as Bruce just crossed his arms at you. He was about to turn to Sam to say something when Sam dodged the question and disappeared into the large crowd. Banner just scratched his head and laughed turning his attention back to you. “You look really nice Y/N. So do you Barnes, I am impressed.” Bucky murmurs out a thanks and you look around at all the people walking about in the room. “Hey Y/N, are you alright?” Bruce asks you noticing you eyeing the civilians. He had a certain ability to tell when you were beginning to feel nervous or uncomfortable. 

“Yea I am okay, just taking this all in. This is new for me.”

“Alright, well if you need anything come and find me alright?

“Okay.”

“Promise?” He grabbed your shoulders and gave them a squeeze.

“I promise.” you mocked and squeezed his wrists in return. 

“Okay good.” he smiled. “They are going to start the event in a few minutes so go and find your seats.” He let you go and you began maneuvering though the crowd to find your way to your table. Bucky went to follow you when Bruce put a hand on his shoulder and he turned towards him. “Keep an eye on her alright?” he softly asked and Bucky nodded and quickly followed you. 

The event is massive, you haven’t seen this many people in your life. The center was massive, the ceilings reached up to the skies, crystal chandeliers hung down from golden chains. Pictures and papers littered the walls from letters to the team to photos of loved ones to children dressing up as their favorite super hero. 

The room you were in was probably the biggest one in the building, circle tables with wooden seats held the spectators and the reporters. Giant cameras were placed in the back with television employees broadcasting the whole ordeal. Security was crawling all over, that was one of the first things you noticed when you stepped foot into the party. Ever since Vicrum showed up on the radar the security had nearly tripled in numbers and were on anyone who looked remotely suspicious. 

The Avengers had their own quiet corner and you took a seat down at the table closest to the wall with a good view of the whole vicinity. You had a good view of the stage and of all the exists just in case. Wanda and Vision sat at your table along with Sam and Bucky, Natasha and the others were sitting at the other that was right next to you. Looking for Fury you finally found him toward the back of the room sitting at a table with some older looking people you had never seen before, you didn’t know who they were but who ever they were they were high up so you kept your mouth shut. 

A microphone tapping sound began to silence the crowd and the room became quiet, the lights dimmed and a spot light turned on to illuminate the stage. A man walked out of the curtains and the crowd erupted when the one and only Tony Stark began to wave. “Theres the fat cat!” You heard Sam scream and Bucky just hit him to try and shut him up. 

Tony took to the stage and began to monologue, it was unscripted because Tony Stark doesn’t have time for scripts. You could see Pepper, Tony’s wife, behind the curtain on the right giving him silent queues to go to the next topic. He thanked the crowd and told a few jokes and make everyone laugh and clap, even you cracked a smile a few times. His face became all serious all of the sudden and you instantly knew what he was going to say next and you tried to brace for it.

“This is our third year hosting this event without Steve and I just want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for coming tonight. Steve loved hosting this party every year and I am glad we still get to do it in his honor. So thank you once again for coming and I hope everyone has a lovely evening and a fun night.” Tony stepped back and lowered the microphone. The entire crowd began to clap and cheer in honor of the fallen captain, standing up the peoples eyes facing towards the stage. But your eyes looking somewhere more important, as you clapped you looked at Bucky. He sat there in his seat clapping along with everyone else, his eyes roaming the crowd. His head turned and you looked at him and smiled and for once he didn’t look sad and he gave you a smile that made your heart leap.

The festivities went on and on and your were becoming board out of your mind, the party and moved into different rooms of the venue and somehow you ended up in the ball room near the bar. You ordered a fruity something or another with a lot of vodka in it and leaned on the bar with Clint, Rhodey and Bucky. The team has dispersed and were floating around talking to the chairmen or members of the commission. Ones thing was for sure and that was you didn’t like to float especially with all these people around, so you decided to drown yourself in your drink.

“I hate this.” you took a sip of your drink and crushing some of the ice in your teeth.

“Yea, this isn’t my favorite thing in the world either.” Rhodey downs a shot. “Well I quite like it. I’m having fun.” Clint says happily in while he receives scowls from Rhodey, Bucky and yourself.

“What?” Clint questions

“You just like it cause it gets you away from the kids for a while.” you take a longer sip of your drink. “Cant argue with that.” Clint shrugs. 

The bass of the music becomes louder and you feel as though your heart is going to explode from the rhythm. You continue the conversation with the boys and the night drags on. 

A jazzy song then comes blasting out though the speakers, something in Bucky begins to move and his foot begins to tap widely on the floor. Pictures flash in his mind, a simpler time then with Steve at his side and a woman under his arm as they push their way down the street brightly lit with lights. A feeling washes over his body, its similar and he gets a burst of energy, something that he hasn’t felt in decades. He is excited. His body screams to move and the rhythm is fast, he looks to the side and glances at you as you take a soft sip of your drink and setting it down on the bar, while watching all the spectators with a displeased scowl. 

“Come on Y/N.” he blurts out and holds his hand to you becoming you to the dance floor where everyone is dancing. 

“Oh no, I don’t dance.” you smile hold both of your hands up.

“How do you know?” He says while stepping in front of you.

“I just know, I may not have any memories but I already know I have two left feet.”

“You don’t know until you try it.”

“Yea Y/N!” Clint and Rhodey say in unison.

“Shut up boys! No Barnes. I am not doing it.”

“Come on, I will show you some of my moves.” he teases you. Curious at his persistent behavior you push your lips out and place your hands on your hips. 

“Oh, you have some moves old man?”

“I sure do.” He wiggles his shoulders. 

“I will take your word for it. Go on with out me.” you shrug him off.

“I can’t just go out by myself.” he complained in a childlike voice.

“What are you waiting for then?” you ask curiously. With that his face got closer to yours, standing your ground you look up at him at his blue eyes, they were twinkling with confidence. 

“The right partner.” He said in a low voice. 

You raise your eye brow at his response and open you mouth to speak but before you get a chance he suddenly grabs you by the wrist and drags you to the dance floor into the crowd of people. Instantly you groan in annoyance as he pulls you and spins your body around to face him. Trying to look around the room your eyes roamed any open spots where you could teleport to away from this situation and Bucky was quick to pick up on it.

“Oh no, you aren’t getting out of this one, if you use your powers I am just going to drag you back here again.” he says to you instantly.

“You really think you could catch me?” your shoulders slump when you see Clint and Rhodey waving at you from the bar in which you just stick your tongue at them which makes Bucky laugh.

“Here.” he says while grabbing your left arm and swopping it around his neck, irked, and slightly embarrassed you push some air out causing some hair in your face to shoot up. His right arm sneaks around your waist and pulls you in closer to him, he grabs your right hand in his left and holds onto your palm. 

“Ready?” he questions.

“No…” you mumble.

In a swift motion the two of you were off, Bucky led as he brought you back in fourth making faces at you every time you swayed making you chuckle. Both of your feet moved back and fourth to the rhythm of the song, the music beating in your chest taking you away. You had never quite seen this part of him before, the smile on his face wasn’t forced and his body language was relaxed and comfortable. You wondered how long he had been hidden and why he didn’t come out earlier. What ever the reasons were, you didn’t care because deep down you were loving it but would never admit it.

“This is how we did it back in the day.” He chuckles to you.

“Oh really? You must have been quite the ladies man.” you reply back at him. He suddenly dips you forward and you squeak at the abrupt movement. He pulls you back up and your hair falls in your face and he grabs some pieces and pushes it out of the way.

“You know, I used to be really good at this.” He says starting up again. His fingers finding your and squeezing your palm as he rocked you back and fourth. 

  “Yea and now you suck at it, its cause you are old.” you snort.

“Hey, I’m not that old, I am only 105 give me a break, I am technically 34!” He grins trying to defend himself.

“What are you babbling about frozen fingers?” a voice interrupts you. The two of you turn your heads to see Sam swooping in dancing with a beautiful women in his arms.

“Bucky here, was just tell me how he used to be good with the ladies back in the day.” you look back up at him while he sways.

“Ha! Thats a funny one. Doesn’t seem to be good at it now huh? You nearly dropped Y/N on the ground just then.” Sam mocked, he has clearly already become loose from too many drinks. 

“Shut up bird brain.” Bucky brought his attention back to you and spun you around making you laugh. Sam just snickered to himself and dances away with his dance parter and disappeared into the crowd. The music when on, the jazz filling your body, your heart pumping away in your chest as you danced on. Your heals clicking on the ground as you tried to match your foot work with his. Occasionally you would step on his feet my accident and would constantly apologize to him which just made him smile with glee. 

You felt so whole, the lights the music the dance, everything was perfect and it was like everything bad just melted away. Bucky was the only thing your eyes saw, you felt drunk on his presence as your body danced with him. Although you were never on beat Bucky didn’t care, he would carry you with him no matter what. Your hand clenching tighter around his shoulder feeling lost with out his grip. This was all you needed, you never wanted this to end.

Little to your knowledge people were beginning to watch you, a small group of onlookers began to clap to the tempo as Barnes twirled you. A small circle formed around the two of you that consisted members of the team and some lucky even holders that just happened to be around. The tempo picked up and you danced faster and faster as the song reached its peak and Bucky lifted you up by the waist and whirled you around in the air and you squealed in excitement. He gently brought you back down and dipped you down as the song came to an end and the two of you began to pant.

Clapping and cheering erupted all around you and your mouth parted to see the people accumulated around Bucky and yourself. With your body still bent over your chest heaved, your lungs begging for more air. Bucky was hunched over with you still in his arms. You looked up at him, your hands still wrapped around his neck. Something in Bucky’s eyes made your breathing stop and your body feel warm. Your smile that you had on your face slowly fading when your eyes found his lips, the way they curved up ward made you feel like there were butterflies in your stomach. In can instant you felt your cheeks turn pink. “Well that was entertaining!” a slurred voice boomed though the speakers making you jump and Bucky swiftly pulls you up to your feet. Turning your heads you both look to the stage to see Tony standing there with a bottle of champagne in the one hand and a microphone in the other. He swayed back and fourth and Bucky cursed quietly to himself at the sight. 

“Again! Again!” Stark tried to point to the two of you but dropping the bottle in the process. Pepper ran up the stairs onto the platform meeting him and grabbing onto his suit trying to turn him towards her. 

“Okay, I think you have enough!” Pepper smiles and take the mic away from a very, very drunk tony and he just leans on her whimpering out her name and tugging on her dress like a child. “Alrighty that was quite a little show we just had, so I just want to direct everyone attention to the auction room, the bidding will be held in 30 minutes so the teams can just start heading over there now and the rest of you can help yourself to more of the refreshments. Thank you!” she beams. You watch as she places the microphone on the stage and drags Tony off dragging him my the front of the suit with the Iron Man helmet in her arm. 

Rolling your eyes you look back and Bucky and flinch slightly when you realize his gaze in still on you. Suddenly realizing that you are still in his arms you clear your throat and he quickly lets go of you and you take a step back. Your skin burns from where his hands were and a feeling of loss overwhelms you when he is no longer touching you. Swallowing hard you look down and tuck your hair behind your ear and Bucky stuffs his hands in his pockets and awkwardly looks around. Turning away you watch as some people begin to leave the room and exit down into the Lobby.

“Hey, why don’t you say we ditch this party?” 

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Your bare feet dangled off the edge of the building as you looked up at the sky. The stars that you has expected to see scattered were non existent for the city lights were too bright and washed them away. Looking to the side you watch Bucky as he shifted on the ground, his hair was now down hanging loosely at his shoulders. His tie was unraveled and thrown over him, his jacket unbuttoned a glint of light would catch your eye from the Captain America pin hooked onto his tie. He laid on the ground next to where you were sitting, his arms behind is head propping him up.

Ditching the party was a wise choice, there was nothing left to do anyway and it getting boring. The two of you had snuck up to the roof of the building and sprawled out and got comfortable waiting for the festivities to come to an end. You lifted a bottle of champagne to your lips and took a big swing of it and gulped, the sweet liquid running down your throat made you shiver with delight. Handing it to Bucky he grabbed it from you and took a sip and set it down next to the empty plate of ordurvres that you had stollen from downstairs now empty with some speckles of crumbs on it. 

“Some party huh? I don’t know what I was expecting when they forced us to go to this thing.” you spoke grabbing the bottle back from Bucky and setting it next to you.

“Yea as you can see, you weren’t missing much. Its really boring.”

“But in a way I am glad that we came, it was nice to get out of the apartment for once do something new besides them sending us out on assignments.”

“Yea i guess so.” he grunted. Sitting up his expression now turns dark, his body stiffens as he fidgets around a thing he does when he has something on his mind.

“What is it Buck?” you ask nonchalantly.

“I…I want to talk about what happened. A…a few weeks ago.” His voice sounded unsure of what he was saying. Your stomach felt sick at his statement and you hunched forward a bit looking around at the site scape.

“Alright.” you started out. “Whats on your mind?”

“I never got a chance to say I’m sorry.” 

“Bucky, you did say sorry remember?”

“No Y/N, I didn’t apologize to you, sincerely. I hurt you. and I’m sorry. Im so sorry Y/N.”

“There is nothing to be sorry for Bucky. It wasn’t your fault. Stop blaming yourself for it.”

“Y/N, I could have killed you.” his voice cracked a little.

“I don’t know Barnes, I kicked your ass pretty good too.” you laughed.

“YN…” he was not impressed at your joke.

“Bucky, I know you feel awful for what happened, I understand that, but I don’t want you to keep worrying about it. I’m okay. We are both are okay. Its in the past now alright?” you picked your words carefully trying not to upset him. To your surprise he became loose at your words, he wasn’t as stiff anymore and became more relaxed. He stayed silent for a moment and the only thing you wanted was to see him smile. 

“We needed a new broom any way. It was old. But I am lucky I put it to good use.”

With that he broke out into a chuckle and a dropped his head down trying to hide a smile. There it was. 

“Right.” he agrees with you rubbing his head where you smashed the broom over. Another awkward silence follows again and he lays back down on the ground next to you and looks up.

“Why are we so messed up?”  he drily laughs.

“We arn’t messed up, we are just trying to find our place in this world just like everyone else, were not quite there yet, we are just a couple steps behind.” He turns his head to you and you look back at him and smile. You stay up there for the remainder of the night and look up at the sky trying to find the stars in the blankets of blue.

tags: @slender--spirit @honeyicouldntthinkofaurl​ @aceanika​ @disneychic8​

[preternatural-aura]

just a personal rant bout my thyroid issues and some other stuff, its really long tho..

well, the tests they ran to check for antibodies for grave’s disease and hashimotos came back in the normal range (a couple were on the cusp), I tried taking my adhd medication again (i had to stop because it exacerbated symptoms to the point of making me sick) and it started out awful, I took a xanax (plus the beta blockers ive been taking to manage symptoms) and im feeling better (normally around 2pm id be feeling the worst), so ill try taking it again tomorrow (and maybe take a xanax), the endocrinologist will probably want to recheck my t4 and tsh, i have been feeling like something might be pressing on my throat so they might do another ultrasound, of course my endocrinologist appointment isnt for another 2 and half weeks, ill keep taking my adhd meds through until finals are done (so a week) and if it still makes me feel awful then ill stop them, if the side effects are lessening, then ill keep taking them, the side effects go away after like a week normally, i cant afford to lose anymore weight so im gonna be checking that, its hard to say how much weight ive lost because i havent been checking it lately, and at the doctor they always weigh me with my clothes and shoes on plus the stuff in my pockets, i weighed 115lbs this morning, ill check again in the evening after i eat, which would be when i weigh the most, or right now, but i dont want to take my shoes and jeans off, oh i also used to wear a binder to the doctor and i dont do that anymore obviously and binders are kinda heavy, there is a chance this whole thyroid thing is going away, they said that was a possibility, but im afraid that tests will come back normal while i still have symptoms, i hope this isnt some weird and rare disease, but my mom wouldnt let it go untreated if it is, we would just try to find a specialist or something, first, of course, the endocrinologist will probs recheck my t4 and tsh and maybe the ab tests and do another ultra sound, and if all that stuff is still inconclusive well do that radioactive iodine imaging test

and ive got an appoitment with that physicians assistant about my asthma and to remove my mole, and the thing about my asthma is that i need to excersize, but i have a hard time doing that because executive dysfunctioning and time and also i have excersize induced asthma and i cant really use rescue inhalers because they make me feel fucking awful, i carry it around but i never use it unless i absolutely have to, like if i didnt i would have to go to the hospital, and i hadnt used one for years, so unless i cant breathe and/or im wheezing uncontrollably then i wont use it, i hate these heart palpitations, my heart rate isnt 120 or higher anymore, even when i was having palpitations earlier, my mom said my heart rate was around 85, which is super nice, the stimulant did make my hands get really cold, because i already have poor circulation to my hands and feet, but see stimulants are vaso-constrictors, meaning they constrict blood veins, which makes my already poor circulation even worse, on the bright side, i got around 8 hours of sleep the past two nights, which is super awesome because ive chronically been getting around 6-7 hours, and i really need 9-10 hours, so while it hasnt been this horrible insomnia, it has been chronically getting not quite enough sleep which just leaves me tired all day everyday, and i try not to compare myself to other people, but its hard in college when everyone talks about how they pull all nighters and shit, because ive had insomnia where i get fewer than 3 or 4 hours of sleep because i CANT sleep and it feels awful, i run on adrenaline the next day but it ends up just being so bad, so im trying to remember that only getting 6-7 hours is still bad, especially because im an adolescent and need lots of sleep and cant afford to lose a bunch of sleep

[letterstoocean]

my ocean, 

here is the cancer story. in the raw but for you.  i love you my ocean. 

 I was afraid of my own words, my own thoughts,  the things I would create.  Afraid they would  not be the fairy tale that I wanted life to be.  

And I kept running away from all of it.  Even saying to myself that you cannot run awayf rom yourself because yourself is still there. And yet I ekpt doing it.

It was what I knew.  Was how I raised.  “wake up baby. It is time to go”

Embracing the gypsy bohemian life followed a path that at times was a path of thorns. But still I refused to do anything believing it that who is I am.  That is the only thing I would ever know.

I was afraid and I kept running.

Until I could no longer run.  I finally had to face myself because myself  was dying.  One of the most terrifying experiences of my life.  When I say that I am not sure if I mean myself or the cancer.  There are times I believe it was the same thing.

But I had to decide which way I wanted to go.

It got to a point that all I did was lay in the air stream covered in sweat taking 18 medications that really were not working on masking things and consatntly covered in  sweat and crying.  

I would wake up by the toilet becuasthe cancer would trigger the fibormyalgia and they would dance with one another,  my mind and body being their dance floor.Ro keep curling into a ball doing nothing and feeling worse and worse everyday.  The fibromyalgia making every thought like another nail in a coffin that I was treating like my bed.

The cancer in me felt like I was constantly unclean.  I would sit for hours in a tub as hot as I could stand trying to sweat out a feeling that would just not go away.

The world to me was a shadow that was slowly creeping around me.  No light.  Nothing looked beautiful  Finding happiness was like pulling teeth.  So stopped looking for it.

One ngith I woke up next to the toilet laying in my own vomit.  I automatially reached for a pain killer to hopefully give me some sort of relief if only for a moment and the boy in me screamed at the top of his lungs.

“No!!!!.  This is it. I did not survive everything we went through just to die here on the foor because you wont get the fuck up.  Get! The! Fuck! Up!”

That boy.  That boy was my voice of reason.  The boy iwas ahsamed of.  Wanted to go away.  At times I ahted.  Was now the one thing that actually made me stop and stare at the bottle. Stare at the vomit on the floor.  Look up on the shelf at all the medications.  All the empty bottles everywhere.  And I looked around the airstream and realzied it was becoming my tomb. And it was starting to smell like a tomb.

Aside from my smell of sick and sweat.  The sink was full of dishes that I would not clean. The trash cans were full and were stinking.  I didnt even bother washign my clothes.  What was the point it was just me. No one would smell me.  I was fucking dying.

As long as no one saw mne die there really wouldnt much of a problem.

And that boy saved me. After so many years I began to lsiten to him again.  He was the survivor in me.  He was the one that never gave up.  He was the one that was my strength.  My words.

I heard him whisper very getnly in me like he was talking to a scared child, “fidn the desire to create soemthing beautiful from so much pain.  Do something good.  Get up. You can do this.”

The next morning I dumped the bottle of vicodin down the toilet.  I had to eigteen medicatiosn to quit and I was starting with pian killers first.

I slowlt wlaked out to the dead end like a zombie finding brains and looked own our dead end road, heard the boy in me smile and took a breath and said, “ok. Here we go.”

In the beginning I said if I could make it to the neighbors without passing out or puking I was doing great.  The neighbor lived twenty yards away ish.  

The first day I made it halfway there before I was throwing up in the ditch.  I cralwed home crying and screaming tried to sleep.

Four hours after throwing my vicodin away I began to hate my decision and reached for an oxycontin.

“no!!!!” the boy screamed.

I slowly slid the bottle back.  I went until that ngiht before the pain was too much and I wanted to die.

The next day I said the same thing.

Make it to the neighbors without puking.

I made it to the neighbors then puked.  I stumbled and crawled back home tried to sleep four hours later with no sleep I  reached for the oxycontin and again the boy screamed inside me wemt home and cried and slept all day.

The next day. Five more feet.  The day after that even further.

On day three the withdrawals began and my nightmares had just begun.  

This is when it was time to face the me that I had ran from all those years because it started to come in the ngithamres, the withdrawals the sahkes.  It was my own living hell that I ahd created and now laid in a bed and want4ed to die but the boy refused to et that happen.

I was so alone.  I would not go back gome to my friends I would not let them know what I was going through  I ket my family at a distance.  I had seen what cancer had doen tot hsoe around you it is almost harder for them tht is you because they feel so helpless at times and you just keep getting sick.  

I. Was. Alone.  And it was my choice.  The boy was going to do this.

I needed soemthing just to talk to I needed touch.  I am a hapless romantic at heart. I believe in energy.  I believe in touch in all of it is various forms.

So I searched for the animal that called to me.  I rescueda cat.

I answered an in a the local paper. I woma ran sort of a rescued cat thing out of her house.

I arrived told her my story and why I wanted the cat and she smiled, wiped tearsf rom her eyes and smiled, “i have your cat.”  She took me to a backroom wehre there was a cat laying looking out the window.  He was missing his tail, he just had a surgery from a broken leg, he had a chewed up ear and ;ppled at me blinked then rolled onto his abck for me to rub his belly.

He was definitly my cat.

I took him back tot he trailer, named him muse he we healed together.  

Muse had to stay inside until he is leg healed.  During the day he laid on me and sletp as I shivered convulsed and went through withdrawals.  

If I ahd ro puke he would lay next to me at the toilet. Urr and ut a little paw n me.

At ngiht he wanted to go out and paced back and forth in the airstream.  With hi bad leg there was a consatnt thump thump and this melodic purr click he did wanting me to let him out.

That purr click became what I focused on.

It became my music to get through the night.

Becasue the nights were horrible.

When he was able to walk ilet him out and he roamed the hillside charming the entire neighborhd.  The entire road knew my story. Knew muses story and hwy I ahd bought him.  And they would give me courage and keep an eye as I walked and healed.  Muse following nehind me until he got the to the curve nefore the braidge.  Dogs.  And he would sit and wiat for me.

This went on for three months. In two or three days I would kick a medication move on to another one, move further on down the road until I finally made it to the end of the road and our bridge.  

Once again a bridge in my life became a my savior.  We lived on a dead end road and there was hardly any traffic.  The bridge was where I would stop sometimes puke, but do it with hapiiness and smile that once again I made it to the bridge and all I ahd towas make it home.I would  My

I also began to dance. Well attempt to dance.

I danced.  And anced and danced.  Ar first just in the airstream and only a step or two and then I would need the trash can or sink to puke.  

I love dancing.  My mom taught me and it was one fothe things we did together nad every time we did it was our happy place.  A happy place among a chaos we had created and could not get away from.

And I rememebr that. Remebered the happy places that we really did not have many of, but the ones we did were so special to me.

I started filming myself to see hpw bad was. I wanted to see the enemy and I wanted him to defeat.

At the third motnhs I quit all meds.  I was offically cancer free. And as I wlaked down the brdige I bgean to dance as well.

I was alive and I was doing this.  I was coming back.  I danced like I had never danced before.  Headphones on I sang at the top of my lunf=gs and anced when the nighbors drove by singing to them with a smile as I kept walking down the road.

All the while muse was next to me.  

I was so overwhelemed with life that I was that guy that go would say with a big smile “look a tree!  My god that is the msot beauitful tree ever !!  Air. Gof this air is so wonderful”  

And my neighbors put upw ith it and cheered me on.

I believed I was immortal. And the wrold was mine

Then I got cancer a second time.

It ahd went form my thyroid to tmy lymphnodes and this time around cancer was pissed I ahd said I ahd kicked its ass and celebrated and this time around iw was ready and it was fight.  

Again felt that darkness in me that feeling diry and the boy and I both said “nO!!!!”  

All did was dance and walk write and paint  trying to create everythin beautiful I possibly could from thais fucking apin.

It got to the poitn that I felt safe walking off of our dead end road and to down the highway through the redwoods eventually making it to the two and half mile geeral store.

And again I danced.  I daned and daneced ans sang as cars passed by me.  At first thinking I was a madman.  Ut after awhile cheering me on and some people even stopping and telling me how seeing me dance every morning made theor day better.

And then I knew I was doing some good.  Not just for but for tohers.

This went on for three months. In two or three days I would kick a medication move on to another one, move further on down the road until I finally made it to the end of the road and our bridge.  

Once again a bridge in my life became a my savior.  We lived on a dead end road and there was hardly any traffic.  The bridge was where I would stop sometimes puke, but do it with hapiiness and smile that once again I made it to the bridge and all I ahd towas make it home.I would  My

[bagilgulhaze]

advice: gocha has hard time controling his impulses hes like on 8 medications for it a day (whole other  subject like why a 10 year old kid takes 2 kinds of meds in hih dozes one of which isnt even made for that purpose) and like he gets punished left n right for that at the pnimiya? we hate it but what can we do. but then here he played maplestory but then he clicked wrong button it wen tout and his character died. it means practically nothing to die in this game u just take a little longer to lvl but he yelled at me so much i told him he can’t play also hes tired and its 1 and he should sleep. i prepared him few times before quitting the game which sent him into RAGE he cursed n kicked things n cried hysterically. i left him to calm down for almost an hr when he hid under the sopha but rn he HATES me. he never hates me n he really does like i tried to hug him later n shit but he just wouldnt let it go i even offered we watch a movie n go to sleep. he left so he wouldnt have to be w me and idk if i made the right decision.

because on one side, esp for a family that doesnt deal w punishments, suffering consequences is essential to educate. you screamed at me and cursed me because your character died, you didnt find the potion and i didnt help fast enough? thats not fun for me, i will not play with here on my computer in my game when it makes you so frustrated you scream at me. and it was so super late so i insisted he’d go to sleep anyway bc clearly it adds to him being on edge. 

but then he gets so many punishments for things he cant control bc he has realy poor impulse control, it hurts him too like, we’re talking abt the kid that riped his own thumb off by shutting a door angrily, sometimes well say no and youll see how his mind literally cant process it and the punishments are terrible like he had to stay an extra day while lisa came to us, who doesnt let a kid go HOME as punishment what does it teach? or like, he doesnt have a home anyway he lives in pnimya so why do they always punish him by moving him from his building to another group for few days even if its not related to his group/building at all and is a fight w someone in school. just to punish him.

this kid CONSTANTLY gets humiliating shitty punishment instead of help that even when i do something that only remotely reminds of a punishment it just sets him more in that trap of i dont have the tools to stop n i keep getting shit and there’s no way out.

i dont watch gocha to feel that way. i didnt yell, i didnt even get mad i just firmly told him the boundries and usually he WILL listen but i think the punishment he got this week of returning home a day later on top of everything, whilst feeling guilty everytime he does something bad, is like, too much for him to handle. once i got into a corner w him in 1am like - idk

idc that he doesnt talk to me i give him hus space n n ever insist just assure him im here if he wants to sleep next to me or anything and asked once if he wants a hug but didnt press; i just rly not want him to feel so insecure n bad abt himself alll the time. 

[thatcharmingjerk]

hello! you said you'd be okay answering lgbt related questions, right? how did your mastectomy work? did it hurt for long after the operation? and what was your cup size before? if any of those questions make you uncomfortable, you don't have to answer of course!!!! it's just that i have big boobs and i want them gone but i'm scared and i'm not sure if i want to take testosterone

Yeah sure! 

And my mastectomy ?? Well, it basically went ok?? but also didn’t ?? This is gonna be long so cut seems appropriate (for the subject too löl) 

So ye i didnt have too big boobs, like B??? I think, but the doctor kept talking of the, as ‘’big’’ or ‘’as big as yours’’ so i might been wearing too small cups too??? who knows!! Not me as i got them fat lumps back to hell where they came from!! 

The first surgery left me the weird scars of course but also quite the lot of boobs still too, like they looked too big for my body?? also i did manage to catch some sort of infection in the wound too i didnt go for doc because i had gone efore and then there hadnt been infection and i didnt get any meds or anything and then when i was 100% there was an infection i was too ashamed to go 

AND DO NOT DO LIKE ME! If you need to go to doc GO !!

and as you can guess the scars didnt heal too pretty or well, i was (and am) still more bothered of the place of cuts?? Like OK man ( i hate the surgeon otherwise too, he’s rude and fat-phobic and has no sympathy or understanding for mental health problems and i wouldnt be surprised if he was trans-phobic too, hope you’ll be luckier if you go get your boobs gone!!)

Healing was a weird process, like i got big bottle of most basic brand painkillers and i went to party and drink like week after ?? I was kinda sore but like, bruise-way, only if you poke (and well my pain-meter has tooth infection which is apparently among hardest pains human can feel so idk im probably not the best person to ask about pain as i classified that as 7 on scale of 1-10)  

I dont really remember how long it hurt after ?? Like due the infection i couldnt sleep on right side but??? I have no memory how long i took the pills?? Not very long i guess because we only recently ran out that bottle lol!! 

My second aka the fixing operation was lot easier ! (even they took as much out as in the first surgery!!??) i didnt get even any painkillers then and the wounds healed lot quicker. The first surgery took place in july and second to september (not the same year!) so i strongly recommend not to do this on summer!!! 

So uhh in a nutshell, it wasnt so bad and im so glad i had this done, i feel lot better in my body and lot less disgusted in my body!! The pain was def worth it and i’d take it ten times before, hell, twenty times before than getting my boobs back on my chest!! 

[livelaughlove143sworld-blog]

I am so proudv#proudmommabm

I love myy 👧 👧 👧 girls. Cherish any moment you get to together. I was thtreated at gun point so i They all had such horrible lice!i had to give chas a treatment all. Not going to leave anyway. But feared for my children who didnt baith. The. The all had headlice so bad i had to use two kits on her(and that hapoened she came from over there to stay the night. My kids power and water was shut off, (but they still had the internet to play the placre s f tation. Kristy sold her food ssmtamps for drugs an cigarettes. Savanah didnt kmlike ne even though they have been together since she was 16. Everything he knows in bed , i taught him when were

Sexualy active(willingly???😭)

I made him into a man. When we first got together, he didnt shower, brush his teat or chang his clithes.  He was to much in hid driver game.

He had the a thing for "resident evil" and " madden"

He sn

Moked weed from the time he was nine. He got a ninth grade education 3x! Wow. Right now he has kidnapped my youngest, chasitie. Be will not give me her addre$ even though the "told"her i know. The mother fucker has abused me long enough. Its time to x

Stand up and face the croud. So 🚺 ladies a gentlemen

Stand up for yiu kids yneed to be patient, loving, ❤ careing, kind and praise them when they do a job well done...dont just sit ther and mak spaghetti and say 'go to your room. And of course she never say your A+ on a paper. . you gjrs(and) boy mean the 🌎 world to me. Do you rember bilki staying the night at kristy' old house? Well savanah was with him you dont do that shit aroud little girls you never talk bad about the other parent!!!that way the stay children and not streesed out children. I went through a lot of abuse to protect chasitie/ so i hope shes ok now.i dont understnd Why all of you my ( haters) ars frinds with my kids on facebook! Please explain...

I await your anzwer

Also who the hell punches 👊 my daughter in the face and DRAG HER BY HER LONG HAIR!Up a flight oc steps! Hmm...i wonder..how did lawna get her wrist broken. I DONT UNDERSTAND why my kids had matressrd on the floor and were locked in their rooms.

No.fitted sheet no pillow cases . Halie and lawna were separated. They got the shit beat out of them when they cried for me.  I went to their fathers work all the time begging to give them back to me! I bought my kids food. They showered at my house because they had no water.  All i wanted was to love and cherish every moment with my children. Then, rumors were spread that i was a crack head and hated them. Do you want to know what happened to me for 5 years? I was constantly raped, malested, drugged, and abused. The only thing good out of that was nanna. She was a 72 year old woman whos own family wouldn't take care of her! She taught me a lot. I was her personal care giver. Even with me being disabled, i took care of that wonderful woman until the day she died in my arms. Her family didnt give a fuck about what i did with her. I had to move back in with them and continue to be raped while his wife was at work. He even came to nannas when i lived there, he had a key 🔑. The one time or so that i would run and hide from him and tell him i had a male friend that i talkted to everyday, they moved new people in to pay their bills and kicked me out with no where to go. Well i found a place not knowing he was going to repeatedly rape and melest and drug me. His wife was in on it too! I had to sleep in the same room they did on a fouton. When he realized i wouldnt let him near me, they found a "wild"21 year old, they Didnt need me anymore. They took my rent money then took me to live with my sister and friends. Iam telling part of my story so my kids will understand where ive been. Then on march 29, 2019 i lost my mother. She suffered to, she wasnt taken care of properly and i know this first hand for the month (November) that i spent with her. Her "care taker" has her ashes and is already get married to another woman, yet, he wouldnt marry my mom? It took 19 years for him to buy her a ring 💍. He was not a "beliver"in medicine so he didnt give my mom the correct dosages to keep her comfortable. He would shut off her oxygen machine and watch her not be able to breath!i turned it back on and gave him a look. My mom suffered from sever dementia so she wouldn't know if or when she took her medicine, and he took advantage of that. One time when her medicine was out , there were 4 boxes (full) of liquid morphine. She only gets one at a time when her meds come in. He would yell, cus, scream , and tell her how stupid she was! Me and him butted heads with the way he treated my mom all those years. She deserved a much better life. She was an independent, loving, caring person who would help anyone she could! She was extremely organized and on a schedule everyday. She put me on one. She had several mini-strokes in her sleep from all the drunken stress he put on her. They slept in seperate bedrooms. They didn't hug, kiss, say "i love you" how was your day, nothing. My mother loved pepsi her whole life( not coffee) when she was in hospice in their living room. He bought coke instead. She would say i dont want this i want pepsi he would say drink it or apple juice. I have yet to see my moms ashes and belongings of mine from childhood. Chasitie was the only one who really knew her. We celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas there. I have the pictures. I miss my mom! I'm afraid of men 😨. To make things clear, just because my sister does drugs doesn't mean i do, so quit assuming.

Halie, lawna, chas, : i am still "your mommy bomby full of love!" And always will be. So girls, now that you are all teenager's i can finaly explain my story.