#i write these to cope with my own anxiety and identity issues

[clonehub]

The original JaKi story was quite a bit forced to be honest. Jax was in crusade squad and Kiki was still a Jedi general but they barely interacted and then somehow somehow they're endgame post O66

and I tried to see how i could make it so that Kiki and Jax actually have a connection before they start their relationship after they both escape the GAR/Empire, but it was still feeling forced. I kept skipping over that immediate escape bit because it didn't occur to me that I actually could write through them getting to know one another (inexperienced writer)

and then I realized kiki doesn't need to have reciprocal feelings for Jax. she can be a slowburn/aro type of person 100%. I'd already set up her an Hahkin and her and Bliz in a similar fashion in terms of unreciprocated romantic feelings.

And Jax has his own journey with kiki, though he goes through it by himself: learning not to put her on a pedestal because she's a Jedi + he likes her. The former was what the Kaminoans taught them. That the Jedi are surreal serene gods who can do anything. Kiki is rather outgoing, energetic, blunt, and boisterous. She admits when she can't or doesn't want to do something. She makes mistakes. she gets in her head. Jax had to go from justifying or excusing her mistakes to himself and others to saying "No, she fucked up and if I have to tell her, I'll tell her"

Jax also suffered loads of verbal abuse from a drill sergeant on Kamino, which led to him having anxiety and self esteem/confidence issues. He's been working on it since he graduated if only because Edger has always been a steadfast believer in his capabilities. part of how Jax copes with his own poor view of himself is by believing in and encouraging others. He's patient, gentle, and understanding. He has to learn how to view himself as a person with valid desires and opinions rather than always shoving his own wants/needs aside.

But I also want to make Jax and Kiki friends before they both leave! yes at first Jax is terrified of Kiki, Kiki can sense that he has feelings for her, but she doesn't reciprocate them and she likes Jax's temperament and general personality. There may or may not be a bit of her teasing him just to see him get flushed when she stands next to him. She doesnt torture him though aksjdhfals

But they have really good conversations and quite a few private moments that help Jax to humanize and de-pedestalize Kiki. Times where she's training him with a bo staff or they're just stretching or its after a battle and she's checking up on him. And he, despite his nerves and fluttery feelings, does try more and more to do the same with her. The second she stops having god status in his head and he's able to talk to her like a person is when he fully falls in love with her.

so they're friends! I've got me a lil slow burn friends to lovers romance going on, which I like because it adds variety to how I normally handle my romances. Kiki doesnt really start looking at Jax as a viable partner option until he makes it clear he's also interested in being a father to her baby.

But I want a more concrete journey for Jax that doesn't revolve around his anxiety and his romance with Kiki. I've struggled with this problem for years. For instance, Ridge is one of my richest characters in terms of development + story. He's got a whole other life he keeps secret to cope with both the war + the PTSD he acquired from sexual abuse as a child on Kamino. He has identity issues and doesn't like being a clone because he thinks being a clone is why he was abused. He acts out a lot. And then he has a mirrored relationship with Bliz and they both take out their control issues on each other. But they both are friends with Kiki.

Maybe Jax's more abstract story line works for him? he's not flying toward a specific end point like ridge is. idk.

[girlvinland]

This is a little bit of a personal post, but something I kinda wanted to share because I'm happy about how it's been going. I'm putting under a read more just bc of a potential tw though. I didn't mean for it to get long, but it was hard to figure out how to make it short lol.

So like, over the past couple of years with the pandemic going on, I was one of those people who started drinking more to cope with anxiety and isolation. It was never to the point of full-blown issue that needed treatment or anything, but I can definitely recognize that it was problematic. I didn't really drink during the week, but there would be weekends where I would absolutely go overboard with it. I don't think that's too unusual, given how normalized drinking alcohol is. But I was starting to see that I'd say or do really foolish or hurtful things when I was under the influence, and really all it was doing was making my anxiety and desire to isolate even worse. And tbh, since I have been recovered from an ED for over ten years now, I feel like it's somewhat easy for me to look at a behavior and be like, hm. That's not good. Maybe I need to stop that and find a better way to approach what's bothering me.

Admittedly, last year was a difficult one due to a lot of personal stress. In December though, I finally decided I really wanted to stop drinking (or at least take a break and see how long I could go without it). I got one of those counter apps because I wanted to keep track of it, and I read a lot about how alcohol actually messes with brain chemistry (it helps me a lot when I can understand things more from a medical or scientific perspective, especially when so much "stop drinking" stuff is more spiritual or religious in nature, which are things that I am not). Right now it has been eight weeks since I've had anything, and I feel a lot better wrt my anxiety and everything. Still bad days now and again because of general life stuff, but not like it was, and it's more manageable. It's just crazy that like...even just drinking that one day a week would make me feel so bad sometimes.

I feel kind of weird/scared sharing this, but I also feel like sharing it is a good thing, because I don't think people talk about it enough. When we think of anyone who has a problematic relationship with alcohol it's usually elderly men with PTSD or wine moms in denial or maybe frat boys at university. I don't often see people like myself (I think I've spoken to like, one other person who had a similar experience and I only approached them because they were open about it on their own blog, otherwise I would have never known I wasn't alone). When I have seen other people who are like 20s or 30s quitting drinking or taking breaks from it, it usually ties back to some kind of religious reason or being "straight edge" or making it an identity. I don't care about any of that for myself, and I don't want to shame anyone who might have the same problem or approaches it from a different way. But I do think it's important to speak up when you are struggling with something and find out what helps you. And I think it's bad that the entire thing is so shamed because we know the rates at which people have been drinking over the pandemic have risen greatly and we know how normalized it already is anyway. It really shouldn't be shameful to talk about these things in the open, because then more people are likely to open up and help one another.

Anyway. I just wanted to write about it in case anyone else related, and because actually stopping has been really nice.

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

Hii Jalebi! How are you doing? Diwali anon here!(idk you remember my last ask to recognise my but oh well!) So I'm on IPKKND re-watch sapere again cuz I'm trying to cope ever increasing anxiety of going to start college and moving to a new city and also living in a hostel for the first time ever

So this might be a long ask lol, but i feel so deprived of Arnav and Khushi actually being parents to Aarav yk? I feel like Khushi and Arnav reacting on completely opposite ends of spectrum during Diwali was a set up for a new track, which was scratched out? Also your take on how asr and Khushi would eventually have convo with Aarav about being orphans, and i personally think that if aarav had even a bit doubt about them accepting him or vice versa would be cleared from his mind. Also this could be headcanon or whatever down the line aarav would have taken some characteristics from Khushi (like he likes sweets like she does) maybe daily horoscope or finding a new best friend in Devi maiyya!? Also i imagine Aarav having to tell Arnav why Khushi is teary eyed because during her infamous morning vegetable shopping (where mother and son first met, this is their bonding time without any verbal confirmation about it) fellow shopper aunty comments on how aarav's nose is just like hers. Another one where aarav might be feeling down cuz he's done a bit bad on a test and he NEEDS to be best like his father but sabka Devi swooping in and telling him that being mediocre is okay, he doesn't need to be best for them to love him as much they do now and much much more.

Am i projecting my mommy and daddy issues in there? Maybe but who cares lol

This turned out longer than i expected, it's not a rant it's an essay, I'm so sorry. Fingers crossed i hope Tumblr doesn't eat my ask😭.

Please add your own headcanons and ideas I'd love to know (more like I'm desperate to know lol)

Thank you so much for bearing with me! I love your blog and podcasts!<333

Diwali Anon!!!

Do you know I too watch IPK to cope with anxiety - especially when I move into a new housing location? So giving you the biggest hugs cause watching our favorite show truly gives us the comfort we need during the hardest times *hugs*

How am I doing? Dying due to periods *cry*

Aarav and his role in the show was very undecided. They developed the relationship well between him and Arnav, but completely underdeveloped the relationship between him and Khushi. Of course it should've been complicated considering the little child was indirectly conditioned to think that it's this woman in his "dad's" life that results to him not having his dad...

The whole parenting thing also could've been an excellent track considering both Arnav and Khushi are orphans so they could connect with the child.

But it was very clear at that point that the writers really did not know where to take the story. And they were in this spot of not knowing how to write ArShi if they're not in conflict with each other. And they swore by the guideline of making Khushi childish. So what could've been a serious difference of opinion on how to parent and raise Aarav - led to the harebrained Mrs India.

Also they never setup Khushi as a maternal figure to Aarav. She overnight forgets to wear heels, forgets to wear makeup, forgets styling, forgets she has a child. They do remember to at least show Arnav helping Aarav with homework.

I don't think they could strike a balance between a childish Khushi and mother Khushi. Which, again shows where their 'priorities' were.

And yes, children do subconsciously absorb a lot of behavior from the adults around him. I absolutely agree he'd outwardly be a lot like Arnav cause it's tough to unlearn that he needs to not be like his father to get his approval. It will take some time and acknowledgement of the family to help Aarav find his own personality and identity that isn't influenced by Arnav's behavior.

I do think from Khushi he might learn distracting his stress by doing something that controls his impulses. For Khushi it's jalebi, for Aarav it could be something else.

I do think Khushi-Arnav would communicate with Aarav early on about being orphans considering their struggle to adjust as parents and Aarav's struggle to accept a new family. You must read @ridzmystique 's beautiful OS called Under the Starlight

I'd like to quote a head canon about Aarav from one of my previous posts;

#6 “Mom”

Never, in a million years, with all her twenty imaginary babies would Khushi have ever imagined to be called ‘mom’. In her fantasies of Laad Governor & Sanka Devi’s Shaadi Shuda Zindagi she thought she had imagined it all;

A hot, passionate but crazy marriage. Their brood of children would be half western, thanks to English Singh Raizada, and half traditional. Her son would probably take after his father in looks (which she would be grateful for) and in temperament (which she would curse Arnav for). Their daughter would be just like Khushi (which Arnav would be grateful for) and naively believe in all love and romance (which Arnav would curse Khushi for).  And then Arnav and Khushi would have another set of a son and daughter to have the roles switched.  Arnav would be positively traumatized upon being called “Babuji” and would drop all his business to make sure his brood calls him “Dad/Papa” and Khushi would leave all her jalebis and shop to make sure her little army of Raizada’s called her “Amma” instead of “Mom!”

That is until the day Aarav calls her mom. Suddenly, that is the sweetest word Khushi has ever heard and she does not want Aarav to call her anything else. Because it’s what Aarav calls her. 

Aarav, although shown to be identical to Arnav and immediately close to him because he believed all along that Arnav was his father - hence tried to impress him as much as he could - grows to become mamma’s boy. It’s Khushi’s childishness, sense of humor, joy for life, maturity and zest that brings out the boy’s childhood. 

I am sure one day Khushi sits and talks about being an orphan - and Aarav would be surprised at Khushi’s happiness despite her tragedy. I feel Khushi would actually play a key role in nurturing Aarav and making him a wholesome boy who can laugh, dance and enjoy life like his mother. 

In a nutshell, Aarav grows to become the perfect combination of his parents; slightly religious, loves sweets, plays pranks, is extremely sharp at mathematics, sarcastic, introvert, dry sense of humor, values relationships, values money and is temperamental enough to get people to obey him. 

Oh, and did you think Arnav was a terror if anyone insulted Khushi in front of him? That Arnav would slap and rip away the person from planet and protect his wife from all costs. 

Don’t even think of insulting Khushi with Aarav Singh Raizada around. 

Even Arnav can’t raise his voice on Khushi in front of Aarav. 

Aarav is obviously, protective about his father too - except he’s not too vocal about his. Arnav becomes a mentor, guide and a loving father for Aarav, while Khushi becomes Aarav’s best friend. 

--

The End,

Best,

Jalebi

[saeyv]

Hello everyone.

For those of you who don’t know me already, I am Saey ♡

I write headcanon-formatted "character x reader" stories. I was previously known in the Arcana fandom on this platform, but later became a well-renowned League of Legends and Arcane fandom "x reader" author. Here, I focus on Identity V.

I first started playing Identity V during the summer of 2020. I wasn't that invested then and would only play for fun! I would pick up the game again in 2023, beginning to write stories a year later. My favorite character is Joker ♡

✩₊˚. 🐚 . . ⋆☾ 🫧 ˙˚∘◌○ ⁺₊✧˚｡𖦹 ˙⋆.˚ ᡣ𐭩

I want to give you all a little insight into why I began writing trigger-heavy content, especially because I know a lot of my pieces can be considered "questionable" or "morally wrong".

I developed terrible social anxiety, paranoia, and a myriad of other mental and physical health issues after a series of traumatic events. As a result, I was kept in isolation rooms at school and home. I have been to over 5 therapists, but none could help me.

Writing in my downtime became my way of coping with my trauma. It made me feel less alone. Tapping into uncomfortable subjects became more painless to write than love and romance. I discovered if I don't confront my trauma and issues, I constantly think about them.

I have always been shy when it comes to sharing my writing, but I wanted a space to put all of my work and share it with others. I hope I can create a space where you feel like you can relax and not focus on your own traumas- Or even where you can come to confront them with me. Reality is hard to grasp, but here we don't have to alone.

Saey ♡

[theviruseye]

Coming-Of-Age Hip Hop w/Amir Issaa!

Amir Issaa, an Earthling who identifies as an Italian rapper, graced San Diego State with a presentation on Coming-of-Age Hip Hop. He embodies the profound impact that art can have on individuals and society at large. Through his chosen medium of artistic expression, he hopes to educate his fellow humans and raise awareness of social injustice, perhaps inferring that humans seem to be uneducated and unaware of things going on around them? In addition, Issaa wishes to inspire anyone who has similar experiences to make better of their situation. 

Growing up, Issaa had a lot of issues with his own identity and family. Issaa spoke about how when he was a youngling, his father was sent to prison (a terrestrial equivalent for ⟒⋏☌⌰⟟⌇⊑, I presume) and was an immigrant and drug trafficker. Issaa kept this part of himself a secret and had an identity crisis at one point because his mother changed his name.  To cope, he listened to rap music, despite not knowing the lyrics. He listened, more specifically, to the beat. The energy of the song was powerful for him, so strong he searched for others with the same interest as him and developed his love for hip hop. 

Issaa faces his fears—traumas—by writing. He feels inspired when he writes/raps. In addition, he noted that his true journey began at the age of 13 or 14, commencing with the simple act of inscribing his name on subway cars.  He first began by writing his name on subway cars and moved on to writing rhymes. In the beginning, he would write about his egos like most rappers and slowly evolved into using rap as a way to express himself. 

Amir Issaa’s story is a powerful reminder as to how art isn’t limited to only being a form of expression but also a means of inspiration and an opportunity to educate others. Moreover, art can also be a tool for personal growth and healing. Issaa used writing and rapping as a way to cope with the challenges and traumas he faced during his upbringing and life itself. His journey serves as an inspiring example of how individuals can use their artistic talents to connect with others, find their voice, and make a positive impact on the world.

On my planet, ⋔⏃⍀⌇, I attend a class titled, ⟒☊⌰ 157, ☊⍜⋔⟟☊⌇ ⏃⋏⎅ ⊑⟟⌇⏁⍜⍀⊬. In the class, we read books and psychoanalyze the text. Issaa’s story reminds me of some of the books I have read in class. For instance, during the beginning of the semester, we read a book titled Everything is an Emergency by Jason Adam Katzenstein. In the book, Katzenstein writes about or expresses things he has experienced or has had difficulty with. On one of the pages, he illustrated a common recurring dream he experienced growing up and we can infer from the panels that it was a reflection of his anxiety. Throughout the book, Katzenstein presents us with panels just like those and inspires us with how he grew over the years and learned how to be the best version of himself.

 <--- Me w/ Amir! #nakedsouls23

[konmarkimageswords]

Iranian visual artist Shirin Neshat uses film, video, and photography to explore issues of gender and identity, with a particular focus on women's relationships with religious cultural systems of Islam.

Her advice for aspiring visual artists and filmmakers:

Don't make art for the art world, and don't make films just to get into festivals. Being an artist is such a commitment. It is so painful most of the time, so there has to be a really good reason why you're doing it. I always say to people that it's not a hobby; it's a full-time job. It's like art and life become one thing, which means you have to give it everything. My art has been my life, and my life has been my art. My story, as a human being within my circle of friends, always relates to the artwork. So if you think that you're going to travel around for fun and then come back to a studio where you deal with your pain, that's mistaken. It has to be immersive.

On grappling with anxiety and loneliness:

Those of us who are survivors, immigrants, or others who are constantly negotiating between different places have become masters of coping and adapting. I've often been very sad, but my whole thing has always been to say, I must survive this, I must survive this. I like artists who are vulnerable because they're not afraid of admitting their fragility, which shows in their work. But if I feel too vulnerable, I say no to things like travel because I know I will be really lonely. Learning to recognize when to temporarily pull away to help my own spirit is important, as is remembering that I have a choice: I don't think my work is as important as my mental well-being. I want to be surrounded by people I love, and that love me and make me feel safe.

I'm very disciplined about confronting my anxiety and really do whatever I can. Four years ago, I listened to every lecture that Pema Chödrön has given and read all her books. She's a Tibetan Buddhist monk, and she's incredible. The majority of the time, though, I don't go to a therapist. I deal with my anxiety with physical exercise. I don't meditate, but I really talk to myself: by writing, moving, and just being able to come to a place where I can get a better perspective on the foundation of the fear that is eating me. I think a lot of people meditate or seek whatever transcends them. For me, it doesn't have to do with religion or spiritual practice. It's art, really. What has helped me more than anything, other than my son and motherhood, is my work. It has always been something I can come back to. In the darkness, I find something incredibly creative and really beautiful, and it gives me energy and brings me back up.

[allet-space]

What keeps Steven from rebuilding his supportive Network

Short answer: The black-and-white sense of morality that he holds not others, but himself to.

Long answer:

Steven is known to sympathize with people and gems who did bad things. He sees them not as the abusers, but as the victims, and, as we all know, fixes them. He grants them a sense of self worth and supports them and guides them through their pain to help them reach a better state of being.

He has always been a symbol of change, both in his actions and in what he brings out in others. He helps others change. So why is he struggeling to change so badly? Isn’t he a victim, too, of circumstance, of Era 2, of unintentional harm cause to him by people who love him?

Steven grew up in the image that he should be his mom, Rose Quartz. He felt he had to reach that perfection someday: Be as strong as her, as kind as her, as good as her, as loving as her, fix everything like her. He held himself to this morality FIRST.

And THEN out of that morality and out of his innate desire to help others, he aided others in change.

Steven grew up first knowing the portrait of his mother and his dad’s stories of her as well as the CGs dearly missing her. He knew, he felt, that this was an image he had to reach, somehow. So, on that foundation, on those expectations, he began to build his identity.

His identity, son of Rose Quartz. Meant to be as good as her, meant to fulfill some kind of magical destiny. This is not to say he only helps or helped people because of her: But I am certainly trying to say that he started doing so because of her, because of these expectations. And those expectations also determined the approach he takes.

His approach is similar to that of Rose Quartz: The perfect one looking down on someone imperfect, and aiding them to be better.

Rose Quartz was beloved and adored during the rebellion. She was always right. She was the leader. Nobody questioned her. She was seen as the perfect, the pure and good gem that should lead this kind of rebellion. When she met Garnet, she deflects Garnet’s question on whether she makes Rose upset or not. Of course she doesn’t make Rose upset. Oh, no, it doesn’t even MATTER how she feels. The only thing that matters to this perfect and mysterious and everloving gem, with behavior never before seen by gemkind, is how this imperfect, new fusion sees the world.

It’s romantic, it’s pretty, like out of a fairytale. Life isn’t a fairytale, though, and Rose wasn’t perfect. That, however, was her approach. When she speaks to Pearl, the way she says she’s willing to let Pearl do whatever she wants without forcing her to fight for the rebellion, as if Pearl having the right to leave should be equal to the fact that Rose would simply accept it if it were so. Or, remember the sheer horror on her face when Greg calls out her laughter, as she realizes she’s made a mistake, that her abuse really did leave scars and she has to admit that the perfect Rose isn’t real. The imperfect one is, though.

Rose held herself to an image of perfection, likely something that the diamonds raising her planted deeply in her mind (gem?). Thus, even during the rebellion, she built a sense of morality, and refused to back down from it... and when she had to, with Bismuth, when she felt holding to that morality was no longer perfect, when her philosophy of friendship and perfection failed: She hides the evidence. Kinda like the diamonds hid Homeworld’s failures.

This image of perfection, despite not being truly real, prevailed till her death, till the moment Steven was born. So Steven, born into the world having immedietly a perfect, a not even REAL person’s space, an impossible space of perfection to fill, holds himself to the same standards. (Not to mention his gem programming likely still playing a part.)

She was perfect, so he has to be perfect. He has to know better. He has to be better. He has to be as strong as her, and as kind as her, and as sacrificing as her. He despises himself when his solutions dont immedietly work out the best way possible (blaming himself for the boat trip with lapis). He blames himself for when his attempts at helping go wrong, because Rose’s failures were covered up. There is no story where Rose Quartz The Perfect has to make morally ambiguous decisions, or where her way doesn’t work out despite the best intentions. She was just Good.

He apologizes in the series constantly: Because he feels he just can’t make mistakes. Making mistakes is unacceptable. Making mistakes distances him from the image he is meant to fill, an image he slowly, story for story, finds out wasn’t real. An image that he finds as just that: An image, a dream, a concept. His mother wasn’t perfect.

But then, who is he?

If he isn’t her son striving to be her, striving to be as good as her, if he isn’t the only one who can reach her level of perfection, if the very purpose he feels he was made for and the very foundation of his identity is a lie, then who is he?

That brings us to the problem. The moral problem of a character that means good but makes undeniable mistakes isn’t something that Rose solved. She left. Either way to see it, Steven is now there, meant to figure out what she didn’t: How does he deal with the inevitable guilt he feels for not being perfect? How can he be perfect? And that’s not even the question that’s going through his brain right now.

The question he seems to be stuck on is Why am I not perfect?

Why does it hurt? Why do I have thoughts of vengeance? Why did all of this stick with me? Why do I keep making mistakes? Why do things feel good that shouldn’t?

The world, as it is, divides itself into two perspectives: How we see ourselves, and how we see other people. These two are fundamentally different. Steven lived and grew up in a very specific dynamic: He has to be Better, he has to be Good, and he has to help the rest of the world be Better too.

And now he’s hit with the truth. He’s not perfect. He can hurt people on accident. He already has. His trauma leaves a lasting, lingering effect. When he speaks to other gems, he aids them because he feels their existance is already fundamentally justified. When he thinks of himself, he still feels he NEEDS to justify his existance FIRST. And the only way to do that is to be perfect. And the thing is, to be better, he has to accept he’s not perfect. It’s an endless cycle.

And now he feels his world is falling apart.

He can’t tell the gems what happened to Jasper, because then they’ll see that he failed. He failed to fill the mold, the place in the world he was born into. He’s terrified of what he did to WD in a dissociative, trauma-triggered rage because, dammit, now they know he’s not perfect. What will they think? What will they do when they find out?

And the funny thing is? The only person running away from who he truly is is Steven himself.

Steven has to change. He has to change his worldview, and especially his view of himself. There’s a difference between “I’m not my mom” and “Being her son doesn’t mean I need to live up to her image“.

Steven has to accept that he’s flawed, because then, he can see that nobody wanted him to be perfect in the first place. That is a conscious and incredibly difficult choice to make, however. A choice people usually only make when they have nowhere else to turn, which is where the show is getting him to right now.

Another problem that comes up is that Steven’s only known advice to change from himself. He knows it only in the dynamic of “Good Person helps person B get to a better place”. He’s been the ony dishing out advice so far. He sees the flaws in gems, in the CGs, in humans, and immedietly dismisses their advice, because they’re flawed. Because they’re not better than him.

Because he’s built his worldview on an unrealistic dynamic that he’s always been a part of, and now his confused brain insists he has to meet/see someone who is perfect and someone who could say a few words and give him an immediete easy fix.

That fix doesn’t exist, though, and sooner or later, Steven Universe has to accept that not only is the world grayscaled, but so is he.

[curlsofsagesmoke]

TMNT (2012) characters as dysfunctional family roles

here I go again analyzing a kids show that ended four years ago. anyway, I saw a tiktok by user doinbigthink where they gave a quick overview of the six kinds of dysfunctional family roles, and I immediately thought of tmnt bc it’s my current hyperfixation. so I spent almost an hour doing research and writing up this analysis, as one does.

as a preface: dysfunction in a family can be caused by anything from someone struggling with addiction to a parent being abusive or unavailable/neglectful to someone having narcissistic personality disorder (npd) etc. etc. Usually there is one person who is the root cause of this (very deep seated) dysfunction and the others in the family (often the kids) fall into these roles in order to cope.

Leo: The Hero

The Hero is often the oldest child. They cope with the dysfunction in the family by being high achievers or perfectionists, and they need a sense of control in order to feel safe within the family. They are seen as very well-adjusted, balanced, and high-functional and are often used as an example of how well the family as a whole is doing. They may allow this misconception to continue (whether consciously or unconsciously) in order to hide the family’s problems. They may be parentified as children (that is, forced to take on a parental role for their younger siblings) and usually feel a lot of pressure to solve the family’s issues. With Leo in particular, you see these two behaviors in the way he approaches leading his brothers as well as the way he obsessed over bringing Karai into the family for Splinter’s sake after discovering her true identity. As an adult, the Hero is often drawn toward romantic partners who are emotionally unavailable (again, see Leo’s crush on Karai) and tend to throw themselves into their work (Leo’s obsession with ninjutsu)

Leo: The Golden Child

The Golden Child is not a dysfunctional family role but instead describes a relationship that develops between a parent/guardian with npd and one of the children in the family. In these cases, the parent tends to favor the Golden Child because the Golden Child exhibits all the traits the parent loves in themselves. In Splinter and Leo’s case, these characteristics are their devotion to ninjutsu, their general temperaments, and their more spiritual/mystic natures. There are MANY examples of this favoritism in TMNT canon; for example, Splinter teaching Leo his reiki technique (the healing hands) in “the deadly venom” because everyone things Leo is the most capable of learning such an advanced technique (in the episode, Donnie says that he doesn’t think anyone else on the team could’ve done what Leo did, i.e. using the healing hands on himself and saving the others from karai). The parent has a volatile relationship with the Golden Child and often their love is conditional (that is, the parent will favor the Golden Child as long as the Golden Child continues to act like the parent). Because of this, the Golden Child often has trouble establishing an independent identity (see: Raph calling Leo “Splinter Jr.”, though I can’t remember if this happens in 2012 or just in the 2003 version). The Golden Child may also participate in the narcissistic parent’s abuse against the other children in order to protect themself (this is less explicit in canon, but I think that Leo’s leadership style fits this bill)

Raph: The Scapegoat

The Scapegoat is often the second child. As the name suggests, they are often blamed for things that go wrong in the family regardless of whether it was actually their fault or not. Scapegoats are often very aware of their position in the family and as a result they may feel rejected, isolated, and unlovable. I think a good example of Raph feeling like this is the fact that, early in the show, he only openly expresses his emotions to Spike. Scapegoats learn that negative attention is better than no attention (especially from a parent/guardian) and they often engage in high risk behaviors such as sex, drugs, etc. (in Raph’s case, his reckless fighting style and the way he seeks out fights, and this also explains his temper and overall angry demeanor). Because of this, they tend to get into a lot of trouble and are often singled out as the child who needs individual help (aka therapy) even though the root problems lie with the family as a unit. In cases where the parent has npd the Scapegoat is often pitted against the Golden Child. This is called splitting and it is another way to distract from the family’s deeper issues. I feel like I don’t need to explain the way that Leo and Raph are pitted against each other.

Donnie: The Lost Child

The Lost Child, as the name implies, often fades into the background. Usually this is on purpose in an effort to keep themself safe, as they might be scared to draw attention to themself or rock the boat, especially in an abusive household. They may often feel ignored or neglected and are often described as loners who have difficulty developing social skills or self-esteem. Like the Hero, the Lost Child is often used as an example of the family’s stability and success because they aren’t causing trouble. They tend to struggle when forming friendships/romantic relationships, and they are usually praised for not needing a lot of attention/being independent. Because of this, they feel safer when they’re by themselves. Although Donnie does cause trouble sometimes (see: all the times he’s blown some shit up in the lab, the Mutagen man thing, etc.), he’s not seen as the troublemaker. Raph (and Mikey, to a certain extent) definitely takes that title. Donnie is often alone in his lab---working, admittedly, but he still tends to isolate himself, and he is often seen as the most socially awkward of the brothers (see: his relationship with April). There’s also this very interesting exchange from the episode “Enemy of My Enemy” when they’re in the Shellraiser and Leo is about to take the stealth bike to help Karai:

Raph: Hey, the stealth bike’s my thing. Leo: Now your thing is sucking it up. Donnie: Hey! That’s my thing!

Mikey: The Mascot

The Mascot is often the youngest child. They use humor and goofiness to diffuse tension and distract the family from their issues, though when this works, they feel increased pressure to continue to step in when things become tense or volatile. The Mascot acts from a place of anxiety and trauma, and they may have bouts of depression. They also tend to feel as though they cannot express their negative emotions (because they often see themselves as responsible for their family’s happiness). They tend to bend over backwards for people with little regard for their own safety/comfort, and they are drawn to intense and dysfunctional relationships (whether romantic or platonic) where they will be called upon to diffuse tension. This can be seen in the way Mikey approached his friendships with both Bradford (pre-mutation) and Leatherhead. Mikey is also very rarely shown as being sad, angry, or depressed the way that the other three are, and it’s only in times of extreme emotional distress (like the season two finale) where he drops his humor. Even in the midst of tough battles or tough situations, Mikey tends to insert himself into the middle of the tension and is almost constantly cracking jokes or trying to keep things lighthearted. When he does show more negative emotions, it’s in (mostly) one of two ways. One, giving comfort or seeking comfort, usually from Raph (again see the season two finale, where he hugs Raph to calm him down after Splinter “dies” and seeks comfort from Raph in the Party Wagon as they’re driving away from the city). Two, acting combative with Donnie.

Note: Mikey and Donnie acting combative

This second one in particular is really interesting to me because both Donnie and Mikey exhibit a level of comfort/feeling safe with each other that they don’t display with the other two. Mikey only ever gets physical with Donnie (their little slap fight in “Turtle Temper” or attacking him at the end of “The Creeping Doom”), while Donnie only ever purposefully antagonizes Mikey to get a reaction (slapping him in “Turtle Temper”, which prompts the slap fight, or teasingly insulting him at the end of “The Creeping Doom”, which prompts Mikey to attack him). Mikey likes to get under Raph’s skin, but he never retaliates when Raph gets physical with him. Donnie does occasionally argue with Raph and Leo, but usually backs down after Raph threatens him with violence (see “New Girl in Town”), and with Leo it never escalates past a verbal fight (see the season two finale, “the fourfold trap”). Actually, it seems that in Mikey’s and Donnie’s relationship, they take on the roles that you usually see in Raph’s and Mikey’s relationship. Mikey antagonizes Raph and Raph retaliates; similarly, Donnie antagonizes Mikey and Mikey retaliates, but neither of them would act this way toward their other two brothers.

Splinter: The Root of the Dysfunction

I’ve made a lot of allusions by now to Splinter having npd, or at least some narcissistic tendencies. There are many times where he shows favoritism toward Leo or acts in a very stubborn or even self-absorbed manner. In the season one finale, for example, he refuses to help the turtles fight and only leaves the lair after april is kidnapped by the shredder. In “the pulverizer returns”, he makes the turtles switch weapons (for literally no good reason), they almost die in a fight and switch back, and as punishment, he takes their weapons away entirely; this isn’t addressed in the episode, but i do believe that if they’d had their weapons, they could’ve prevented timothy from being mutated in this episode. (Admittedly there are times when he apologizes, admits he’s wrong, and changes his mind, which is why I hesitate to say he exhibits fully narcissistic behaviors). There’s also the physical aspect of their relationship. He’s teaching the turtles ninjutsu, so you can expect a very physical relationship in the form of training, but there are times when he causes the turtles pain for the sake of pain as punishment (e.g. randori, which we see a few times, or when he goes for their pressure points, or when he trips mikey in the episode “monkey brains”, or when he stabs raph with his cane in the episode “turtle temper”, and these are just the examples i can think of off the top of my head). There has been discourse in the fandom about whether these characters (splinter and raph in particular) are abusive, and i don’t want to get into that. However, i think it’s undeniable that splinter raised his kids with the intent to turn them into child soldiers, and also i fully believe that this (plus his parenting style) is the root of the dysfunction in the hamato family.

[makingspiritualityreal]

Numerology Life Path 11 - Your Birth Card and its Ruling Planet

Numerology Life Path Numbers and their assigned Tarot Card Meaning Series - Master Number Edition

This is a post in my new astrology/numerology/tarot series, that only concerns you, if you are a Life Path 11. Posts on consecutive Life Path Numbers will follow. Originally, I wanted to do them all in one post, but my writing turned out to be so long, I decided to split the post and seperate the Life Path Numbers. The introduction part of the post will be the same for all Life Path Numbers, in case you only read a post about your own Life Path Number, and nothing else. Introduction

The concept of a Birth Card links Tarot and Numerology together, in order to deepen our understanding of a vibration of a Life Path Number we are born with. The Birth Card, or rather Birth Cards, are Major Arcana Tarot Cards with assigned numbers, which correlate with Life Path Numbers. Understanding the meaning of tarot cards, mixed with the knowledge of Numerology Vibrations, helps create a more unique vision of your life experience.

A person with any given Life Path Number, having several Major Arcana energies present in their lives, usually struggles with one of the energies more than the other. As a result, life will probably force them to focus on mastering one of these energies. In general, however, any Life Path describes both your biggest downfall and ultimate triumph - just like with an Astrology Chart, the highlighted numbers/astrology houses point to your biggest strengths and weaknesses. For a better understanding of this concept, visit my article “Natal Chart - A map of your issues?”

Remember, that everyone, besides their Life Path Number and Birth Card also has a unique astrology chart. Thus, for some people embracing the higher expression of their energy is easier, for others it’s harder and it takes more time to master, and some energies become easier to deal with than others. Most human beings are somewhere in between, working on their path and having some achievements while struggling with difficulties at the same time.

In the spiritual community, there are differences in opinion on linking Astrological Planets and positions to specific numerology numbers energies. My take is a result of my own personal experience, conversations with other people in my field and research, in order to give you the widest possible spectrum of ideas and increase the understanding of every Life Path Number.

Even If you have only a basic understanding of Astrology, Tarot or Numerology, this post will still be helpful to you, because it describes the unique vibrational mix that comes from the expression of both these spiritual sciences mixed together. To calculate which Tarot Cards and what Life Path correspond to your birthday, click here.

Life Path 11 - The Empathetic, Inspired Leader

A Life Path 11 blends within the energy of the vibration of 1 and 2. This makes this Life Path extremely powerful, but also hypercharged and prone to anxiety, due to the mixed rulership of the most intense luminary influences on Earth, the Sun and the Moon. That is challenging to carry inside simultaneously, as both of these energies have a very different nature and opposite needs. The Sun is active, forward and radiant, the Moon is reactive, shadowy and evasive. That puts this Master Number in a very up-and-down vibration, resembling the extremities of the cycle of the Moon. They either feel highly charged, spilling over with ideas and energy, but also overemotional and difficult to control, resembling the mood of a Full Moon, or they can be depleted and reclusive, desiring for order, clarity, and a clean slate, often compulsive in their organisation, like the energies of a New Moon. They want to lead, but they also want to be nurtured. They desire softness, yet express an intimidating level of power, often without realising it. Balancing these two forces takes time and effort, and requires stepping outside the box, as most of the typical modern world organisation is not fit for the natural energetic rhythm of this Life Path. These people more than anyone else need to operate on their own internal clock in order to live a successful life, because they are highly sensitive to Lunar cycles and they need to have space to self regulate instead of feeling like they need to conform to some external pressure. This way, they can harness their fluctuating energy and channel it during their ups, and allow themselves to rest during their downs.

A Life Path 11 is an emotional pioneer and this vibration can't thrive in any oppressive external environment, as any external pushes that lead them to disconnecting from themselves prevent them from fulfilling their life mission. Due to their extreme sensitivity, an 11 vibration that can't progress on their path can completely shut down, while still having extreme bursts of fluctuating energy, that they channel in a self destructive way due to a lack of a healthy outlet. Being unable to bear with an environment that is destructive to them, this Life Path easily falls into escapism in order to protect their inner vulnerability. A Life Path 11 has an obligation to not allow any destructive influences within their circle, however often earlier in life they are karmically bound to difficult life conditions that trap them in some way, and put a high amount of pressure on their already volatile energy. That is due to this Life Path typically incarnating having significant, yet oppressing soul contracts with particular individuals, that they spiritually offered their assistance to for a certain period of their lives. This vibration can carry a lot of frustration due to simultaneously feeling drained and hyper, seemingly with no outlet or solution to either rest or cope with its overwhelmingly intense energy.

Due to being ruled by the Luminaries of the Zodiac, this Life Path's main quest in this incarnation is to inspire. Sun gives life and light where there was none before, the Moon nourishes and fills the emotional void. That makes these people extremely encouraging when it comes to both the practical and spiritual fulfilment. It is their task to preserve their light through difficult conditions, and when the Karmic obstacles they experience lift, to go out into the world and share their message of hope and allow it to be received by those who need it. This is the special quality that this Life Path carries with it, that distinguishes it from Life Path 1 and Life Path 2. No other Life Path number has the capacity to spread the healing vibration on a collective dimension in such a straightforward, simple way, by just being themselves and telling their story and proving their quality of character.

To look at the associated Tarot cards, simply read my writing on both Life Path 1 and Life Path 2, as all of the information there will apply. However, Life Path 11 vibration particularly resonates with the Justice card, due to it being number 11 in the Tarot Deck. This card represents the strong Karmic forces, that operate behind this Master Number's Life Path. It encourages an 11 vibration to believe in the inherent balance and fairness in the Universe, the cosmic order we are all part of, a bigger plan that they belong to, in order to help them keep a cool head and patience in times of trial and not give into despair, but stay on their path and make the right decisions at the right time, when a door opens up for them.

The key word for this Life Path is Unique. A Life Path 11's task is to embrace their individual role in this incarnation and open itself up to it emotionally, because their calling must always come from the heart in order to be effective in the world. That may be hard due to the trauma that usually builds up for being bullied for their uniqueness early on in life, resulting in severe emotional wounds around their self-identity. However, that very thing that makes an 11 vibration non-conforming or quirky is also their trump card. For this Life Path number, being emotionally in tune with their singular qualities, regardless of anyone else's opinion, is a necessity to be able to function in this life at all. From this self acceptance sprouts inspiration, that then springs forth and floods the world with its magical, transformative energy.

[dani-is-a-pixie]

Shit they don’t tell you about Autism/Aspergers

Well, I’ve been learning more and more about different signs of being neurodiverse and I thought I’d put my own experiences here just in case it might be able to help someone else understand their diagnosis or themselves better. If you feel you have Autism, please speak to your GP or doctor to be able to talk to a professional because like all things, self diagnosing isn’t a good idea, ya feel me. - Let’s talk clothing b. Yes, so basically Autistics like to dress more comfortable, probably hate things like tags (I used to cut them off) and might only wear certain fabrics. Some people might wear certain colours only as well. Although, the general thing is that Autistics “aren’t expressive” you’ll find a lot of Autistics are and that might be reflected through their alternative clothing choices. Another thing is you might have very sensitive skin, washing powder can cause rashes and itchiness, you might not even be able to use soap. - Hair. Hair is so gross. So basically you might feel that having your hair in your face is so annoying. Ever since I was little I always remember just tying my hair up and leaving it like that. Wanting short hair to avoid it touching your face because of sensory issues. Although, you might like to have it coloured and expressive you might struggle to have your hair down because it just feels so gross. In relation to hair when washing it you might hate the sensation of shampoo and water and all that. - Although, being very monotone is a sign of Autism being very expressive is also a sign. The thing is I feel a lot of Autistic people without the correct support have probably got a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and I feel like that combined with feeling Autistic might make it hard for you to put any energy into things, whereas you know you are a expressive person. Also you probably have hella empathy. I know that is like the opposite of what you hear but seriously, myself and some other people I know with Autism are very empathetic people and feel emotions to an extreme. Although, it might not seem like we feel anything from facial expressions and responses we might be feeling so much it’s just too overwhelming to express it. - Let’s talk acting like a child. Not saying this to dig because I’m the same way, but most people who have Autism might regress into a childlike state which is known as age regressing. It’s usually a coping mechanism to deal with stress but I suppose it could also be triggered by sensory issues? Like I find when I’m really happy I’m very childlike. Oh and you might act younger then you are or be really immature, not always taking things seriously or understanding things. Which is okay and why having a specialist to help support you with the stuff you struggle with is key. - Stim. Stim. Stim. We hear about happy stim, sad stim but honestly you might just stim for every emotion. Also people with Autism might seem like they have tics but they can have vocal stims as well as motor. - Gender is complex right? Yeah I feel you. Feel like you flucuate between genders, have no gender, feel in the middle or might even be trans - although, this is a sensitive topic Autistics actually are more likely to have different relationships with gender due to how we view and feel about the world. So whatever gender you are b, you are valid! - Identity is confusing. The thing is you might feel like you have alters or different versions of yourself as well, which is why Autism is not diagnosed and you might be diagnosed with BPD or like DID. The thing is identity for us is always so confusing and we have such a different relationship about things about ourselves and how we view things. Sometimes it feels like someone were not and sometimes we feel like a different person, but that is okay and valid. - Control as a stress management. Now this is where things like eating disorders can be developed, maybe self destructive behaviours like self harming or perhaps being very toxic to keep everything the way you can because you feel like your life is going out of control. I really do feel you - and that’s why seeing a specialist can help you cope with shitty times like this. But that is a sign. - You have a safe space. Probably your house, your room and you barely leave it. You feel so fucking overwhelmed outside. Too many people, too many noises, too many things going on, which is why Autism can seem like an anxiety disorder but you just feel things very sensitive and can have sensory overload. - If you’re an adult now, probably as a child you were told you were just intelligent and there’s nothing wrong with you. Yep. Same here. Parents tried to get me diagnosed as a young age but they wouldn’t even test me. - For me, I cannot stop listening to music. I express myself through music. I’ll send people songs and tell them to pay attention to the lyrics or the video because it’s how I feel and it’s how I express myself. Some people might do that with art or writing or something they use to express that isn’t vocally with words, people might sing or make songs. There tends to be a creative or different way you express your emotions. - Special interests. They might change throughout your life. I thought you had to have something you were interested in since a kid but they can change and it’s known as hyperfixations! It can be literally anything, and they are valid. You probably hate talking to people if they don’t share one of your hyperfixations because you feel misunderstood or weird or lonely. Doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary. - Might blurt out how you feel to people, like having no filter. You like to have deep meaningful relationships and want friends you can talk about your deep routed emotions and dreams with rather then wow there is something on the news. That shit doesn’t interest you at all. - This might be an embarassing one but you might have a lot of issues with going to the toilet (ie. bleeding or runny stools and etc), especially when you’re stressed you might have really bad stomach issues or abdomen issues. That aren’t always explained but are probably stress induced when everything is too much for you, people tend to be more sensitive to those types of things if they’re Autistic due to sensory and sensitivites. - Meltdowns can be shown in crying breakdowns, anger breakdowns, can also be shown as completely shut down and you might experience catatonia, where you struggle to talk or move because you feel so sad, you might get so worked up and might even feel as low as feeling suicidal and might self harm as well when in these meltdowns. - You hate injustice and you probably are an advocate for the mentally ill or disabled. Seeing injustice might actually trigger a meltdown because you want to change things - due to your extreme empathy but you struggle to accept you can’t save the world. - Might have fake friends but as you grow older might cut those people off for using your energy and might end up with having barely any to no friends. Might feel extremely lonely and not understand why people can’t just be nice to you. - Relationships you probably take very seriously, like full on planning marriages when it might just seem like nothing to someone. This can make you prone to abusive relationships and you might not always notice if that person is good for you, no matter what they do you probably try to continue to fix the relationship. Took some notes from p-3a-s-life-resources <3 and personal experience.

[writingwithcolor]

Elderly Black man with autism and anxiety

@xcherry-popx asked: 

I have a Black man in my story. Some main features of him include 1) being an older (60+?) man and 2) being rather nervous (and likely having anxiety). I've also considered him having autism, but I wanted to handle the anxious aspect first since it will be more prominent.

when creating him, I started out with the idea of an anxious older man and then decided on race. I'm still working on how his anxiety tends to manifest, but my current thoughts include some anger (not violence) and self-soothing in ways like running his hands through his hair. [autism + anxiety is ownvoices]

my main concerns are that:

     A) having his anxiety manifest in anger could be seen as an Angry Black Man, even if he doesn’t hurt anyone (this is in a story where there are some incidents where someone is attacked by someone else, so its not as if his anger is being toned down for the audience)

    B) his anxiety-autism could be seen as infantilizing him (its not immediately obvious, and he is seen as a father figure by many of the other characters. he will probably mostly grow stronger on his own rather than relying on the rest of the cast [if he does use their help, its more indirect, such as someone’s courage inspiring him or another nervous character working through their problems together])

I haven't heard a whole lot about 'weak’ (used very loosely here) Black man stereotypes, but i wanted to double-check since i know i dont have a whole lot of experience

Do you think he may come across as an 'infantilized Black man’ stereotype, or to a lesser extent, an 'Angry Black Man’ stereotype?  

[ask trimmed due to length]

The possibility that he’s undiagnosed 

Depending on the context of the story, it wouldn’t surprise me if his autism and anxiety went undiagnosed (mental health can be a taboo among some Black communities). So one of the questions is : does he know or not ? 

Dealing with emotions / how he handles things

Also it’s hard to deal with really strong feelings, sometimes irrational when you don’t know why you react like that. Being undiagnosed could explain his anger. But judging by his age, he could have learned to live with it ? We don’t know his personality and his life so it’s hard to tell.

Also, I don’t see anything wrong with not being strong or just having weaknesses. It’s human. You just have to take your character’s past into consideration when writing about it, but the rule for the story is that he must evolve. It doesn't mean he should finish entirely strong, without any weaknesses. It’s all about change and being a better person (or not, it depends on your themes and the message you want to convey). 

He hates being helped ? He learns to accept it and ask for help when needed. This is evolving. He could also find a relieving practice to sooth his anger, or that helps him control his emotions. This is evolving too. Or it could get worse, he could totally close up to the others because of the frustration of not being understood, of feeling weak for needing help. That’s life. He’s old and sometimes, people just stop trying. But again, I don’t know what your story is about so I can’t tell you if you should go towards a positive or negative character’s arc. Just remember : it’s all about his evolution.

Anyway, there’s only one thing that will probably prevent you from falling into stereotypes : make him as human as you can, with all his qualities and flaws.

- Mod Lydie

First of all, I second everything Lydie said, especially that first paragraph.

Undiagnosed (potentially) & coping

Being able to write part of this character from experience will be helpful, but you noticed correctly, being a Black man on top of that does have an impact. Like Lydie mentioned, he could easily have gone undiagnosed. There is a taboo in some Black communities, but keep in mind misdiagnoses and lack of professional support can happen as well. Though there are great psychologists out there, there are also those who will be influenced by racial prejudices, who simply won’t take people seriously, and Autism is still poorly understood outside of stereotypes a lot as well.

Going undiagnosed or even just a late diagnosis really impacts a lot of one’s experiences growing up and how you see yourself. It could be another deeply influential part of his identity that mixes things up again so do keep in mind if this is the case for him. Especially when he’s reached 60+, comorbid is very common aside from the anxiety (depression and C-PTSD come to mind). Not that you need to put those in there, especially because it really depends on his background and direct support group, but something to keep in mind as you further flesh your character out.

At such an advanced age one will probably have learned to mask a lot (though a turn to masking less can be seen in older people, especially men, as well). They might have grown used to being different, including feeling misunderstood, frustrated, could become withdrawn or a people pleaser as a coping mechanism, but all of this is all highly dependent on their character as well as their experiences. 

Dealing with his anger & stereotypes 

Thinking outside of the box of how anger can manifest could help as well. Sometimes people express their anger in less obvious ways, or the anger could be hidden under a secondary emotion. His anxiety and Autism will probably be affected by each other as well. Like sensory overload coming hand in hand with anxiety attacks of one leading to the other.

Your concern for having him turn into or interpreted as an angry Black man stereotype is something to look out for. Make sure you fully develop his character, show him to be multifaceted, and give him agency.

I personally don’t see how he’d be seen as infantilized as you described him in your concern B paragraph. It sounds to me like he’s doing to opposite, trying to be hyper self-reliant, but yeah, depending on how you let his anxiety and autism manifest, it could be an issue. It’s hard to really say a lot more than this without more specifics.

Characterization 

To me, this character comes across as one who could have a lot of depth and complexity to him. He would be flawed, he would be interesting, could easily be made relatable as well. But as you guessed, it will take work, care and research to pull him off without falling into potential pitfalls. Having weaknesses and having your character grow is a good thing (and mentioning for anyone who needs to hear it: Autism and Anxiety are in itself not character flaws or weaknesses, but they can lead to someone manifesting them). This is not only due to the stereotypes, but also because there’s not that much rep out there and you will be battling against ingrained biases and stigma as well. 

That said, this is the type of character I always look forward to reading. 

- Alice

[sendme-2hell]

Rating the Books I read after Gideon the Ninth (in order) by how well they made me forget my Gideon the Ninth angst

I starred the ones that I actually recommend if you want something similar to gtn.

I was bored so I made this. Mostly just so I can look back at this and laugh at myself in a few months and remember what I’ve read. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - -

**Harrow the Ninth -Tamsyn Muir 

Summary: A depressed girl has to navigate murder attempts by both the mom and the dad of her dead ex-girlfriend who she can’t remember. She tries to make soup and writes fanfic to cope. 

How well it helped me forget: -100/10 but also 10/10 

Rating explanation: This one gets a 10/10 because it did make me feel better about a *particular* GTN plotpoint which I was very angsty about, but tragically it did make me more feral. After reading it I reread both books so I don’t think it helped me forget my angst. 

Similar themes to GTN: all of it, plus more memes 

I Want to Be Where The Normal People Are - Rachel Bloom 

Summary: Rachel Bloom who wrote the world’s most relatable song: “You Stupid Bitch,” and starred/created in Crazy Ex Girlfriend, writes about having anxiety, feeling like she’s not normal, and Harry Potter fanfic.

How well it helped me forget: 8/10

Rating explanation: For a few minutes I actually did forget about my griddlehark angst while I learned more about Bloom’s life and laughed at the painful relatability of it all. 

Similar themes to TLT: ummm depression, feeling very out of place, memes

Fingersmith - Sarah Waters

Summary: The book The Handmaiden was based on. A girl is sent to become a Lady’s handmaiden to con her out of some money. She falls in love. Many plot twists. 

How well it helped me forget: 5/10

Rating explanation: I was sadly still thinking about TLT the whole time I read this. I liked it but I actually like the Handmaiden better because the women spend more time together. Like in this book, I wish that Harrow and Gideon could spend more time together. 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, at some point you realize the main character’s love interest understands what’s going on way more than the main character

Kindred - Octavia Butler 

Summary: Very dark book about slave narratives. I cannot make a joke here, but this book is excellent. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10 

Rating explanation: Again, I can’t make a joke. But Octavia Butler is amazing. 

Ash - Malinda Lo 

Summary: A wlw retelling of Cinderella with fairies and an emphasis on stories 

How well it helped me forget:7/10

Rating explanation: This was really quick and fun and I definitely was rooting for the lesbians. Also it was nice it had a happy ending! If you liked Crier’s War (which I did), this was clearly an influence for Nina Varela. 

Similar themes: wlw, the magic one + the fighting one dynamic

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel

Summary: A deadly pandemic wipes out so many people that the world spins into chaos and no one can figure out how to use electricity apparently? But the book is really about fame and wanting to be remembered. Go figure.

How well it helped me forget: -10/10 

Rating explanation: Ok that’s not fair. It helped me forget about Gideon and Harrow but it did NOT help me forget about Corona. It was technically good and a lot of people I respect love it, but either because I was still thinking about TLT or because it was about a pandemic, I couldn’t really enjoy it. 

Similar themes: post-apocalyptic 

Red, White & Royal Blue - Casey McQuiston 

Summary: The Prince of England and The son of the president of the US are enemies. They are definitely enemies.

How well it helped me forget: 6/10

Rating explanation: This was such a fun read that it almost distracted me! Tragically I was in such TLT headspace that I kept pausing to read fanfics where Gideon and Harrow switch eyes. 

Similar themes: Enemies to lovers, queer

Troubling Love - Elena Ferrante 

Summary: In true Elena Ferrante fashion, an event spurs an Italian woman to do a lot of internal processing and have some flashbacks. 

How well it helped me forget: 7/10

Rating explanation: This book was a bit disturbing so it distracted me in that way. Plus I love Elena Ferrante’s writing so much that it felt like coming home to an old friend. Unfortunately for me, this is Elena Ferrante’s least queer book. I know because I have now read them all. Her most queer book, The Lying Life of Adults, would have distracted me better. Also just using this space to tell anyone who’s still reading this (probably no one) to go read My Brilliant Friend (and the corresponding Neopolitan Novels). They are not similar to TLT except they are vaguely queer and about competitive friendships where the girls are obsessed with each other in maybe an unhealthy way. Ok so a bit similar. Genuinely my favorite books ever. 

Similar themes: mommy issues, daddy issues, childhood trauma

On This Earth We're Briefly Gorgeous -Ocean Vuong

Summary: A Vietnamese immigrant reflects on his mother, grandmother, and his own life experience in the US. It is poetic and beautiful and will make you cry. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: This book is beautiful. It really changes how you think about the US. Plus really interesting stuff about the western way of telling stories. Cannot recommend it enough, though very little to do with TLT. 

Similar themes: queer, stuff about language, childhood trauma, you will cry

**The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon 

Summary: OK sorry none of those were good suggestions for what to read after GTN. THIS is what you should read after GTN. It is an incredibly slow burn wlw enemies to lovers. There are dragons, there is magic, there are very cool female characters who I am in love with. This is like Game of Thrones but if it was good, queer, and only one 800 page book. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: Enemies to lovers!!!! What more do I have to say? Also very cool world-building, interesting religious themes. 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, religious themes, magic, very old wizard milfs, also mlm

*The Traitor Baru Cormorant 

Summary: Baru is a very smart girl in a colonized island. She decides she will play the game of the colonizers, rise up in their society, and destroy them from within. How is that going, Baru? 

How well it helped me forget: 100/10

Rating explanation: This DID make me forget TLT. The only book to truly make me. It made me forget so badly that I wanted my Griddlehark angst BACK. GIVE ME IT BACK I don’t wanna feel sad about Baru anymore. I cannot recommend it more, it is so good, but it did make me ugly cry. It also made me majorly depressed about colonization and the state of the world. 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, ending will make you cry

*The Monster Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson 

Summary: Baru is depressed, has brain damage, throws up a lot, is sad about (redacted), does some things without remembering them because there’s something going on in her brain. Sound familiar? It’s kinda like Harrow the Ninth but more depressing. Oh also a lot of new characters are introduced, old characters come back, a lot of setup for the next book. Euler’s identity shows up out of nowhere?! 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: Again, it made me forget but only because I was so engrossed in this story. Also kinda depressed. This book is kinda depressing. But Baru is very fun to be around, and there are some other great characters. Marry me, Yawa. 

Similar themes: again, this is just harrow the ninth on steroids, I am in love with every single woman in this series

*The Tyrant Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson 

Summary: Baru makes a new bestie, reunites with an old bestie, and discovers a dead bestie in her brain!

How well it helped me forget: 1000/10

Rating explanation: I loved this book. There were a few scenes I reread >four times. This book makes the other books in the series worth it. 

Similar themes: please see my venn diagram comparing tlt, baru, and A memory called empire for more information

*The Ninth House - Leigh Bardugo 

Summary: A girl has seen ghosts her whole life and because of that, gets accepted at Yale even though she didn’t finish high school. Yale is like a hotspot for ghosts I guess. It’s dark academia, the girl has a secret, the narrator is pretty funny.

How well it helped me forget: 6/10

Rating explanation: I was trying to get distracted from TLT (and Baru at this point), but it’s hard to forget about Harrow and Gideon in a book called The Ninth House (hello?). It was enjoyable and there was some good humor. I’m curious about the next book in the series when it comes out. It is not wlw unless you squint (which I do). 

Similar themes: debatably wlw body posession, nine houses, the ninth one being important, nerd boy who reminds me of pal, woman is revealed to be MUCH older than I originally thought, soul eating, revenants, tombs, necromancy, character named Mercy

The Bone Season - Samantha Shannon 

Summary: It’s the future and London is a hotspot for clairvoyants. Paige is a woman who has a special gift and can jump into people’s bodies and possess them briefly (among other things, this is a terrible explanation). Because of this, she is sent to a secret part of the city where clairvoyants are trained to be monster fighters (but also like, kept there in captivity against their will). Unlike every other book on this list I honestly wouldn’t recommend. I know there are other books in the series. If you’ve read on and it gets better let me know. (I know no one has gotten this far reading this but still)

How well it helped me forget: 4/10

Rating explanation: This one was disappointing because I loved Priory of the Orange Tree so much. This book did not distract me from my griddlehark or barhu feels. There’s also a character named Warden so I thought about SexPal a lot. 

Similar themes: enemies to lovers, ghosts, possession, queer but only background characters 

****The Unspoken Name - A.K. Larkwood 

Summary: A girl is in an isolated cult that wants her to die as a sacrifice (sound familiar?). A definitely not evil wizard helps her escape. She meets a cute necromancer who’s also kinda from a cult. She goes on some gay adventures, gets the help of a morally grey older necromancer (who I’m in love with), and fights with her frenemy. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: This is the most similar to TLT on this list. Gideon and Csorwe would be friends. Seriously I recommend this! And the second book comes out soon! And it’s not sad like TLT or Baru! 

Similar themes: sword lesbian + necromancer dynamic, wlw enemies to lovers, cults, tombs, necromancy, character named “the sleeper”, also mlm

The Invisible Life of Addie Larue - V. E. Schwab 

Summary: Adeline Larue made a deal with a demon in 1714 France, because she wanted to see the world and stuff. It backfires of course. She is immortal but no one remembers her. This causes all sorts of problems and makes her very angsty. The narrative flashes between her going through the years, and her falling in love with the only person who will remember her. 

How well it helped me forget: 2/10

Rating explanation: I know people loved this book but I did not. I liked the last 50 pages, I’ll give it that. I wish it was more queer (it was a little queer). 

Similar themes: as I said, a little wlw, immortality, demons, I guess falling in love with someone and them not remembering you now that I think about it 

Sula - Toni Morrison 

Summary: A story about two black women in the 1920’s-1960’s in an Ohio town. It is really great and interesting. It is a book about complicated female friendships (among so many other things that better writers not writing a list no one will read about their TLT feels have outlined) which I love. I was told I should read this after the Neapolitan Novels by Elena Ferrante and it did not disappoint. Same vibes. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: This was just a great book. Has really nothing to do with TLT

Similar themes: debatably queer 

*Murderbot Diaries: All Systems Red, Artificial Condition, Rogue Protocol, Exit Strategy, Network Effect,  - Martha Wells

Summary: Muderbot is an artificial construct who just wants to be left alone to watch tv, damnit! It doesn’t want to interact with humans, and it definitely does not want to talk about feelings. Too bad some humans want to become friends with it.

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: These books were so good. They did help me forget! The books are really about having anxiety, making friends, and letting yourself have feelings. Also they are SO FUNNY. Highly recommend. In the way that I love Gideon’s POV, I love Murderbot’s POV

Similar themes: funny narrator, queer characters, space, people who don’t want to deal with their feelings being forced to deal with their feelings

*A Memory Called Empire - Arkady Martine 

Summary: Mahit is sent a dangerous, evil empire to be an ambassador. Lots of beautiful writing about colonialism, assimilation, language, and culture.There is gay angst and funny characters. I am once again in love with a morally grey older woman character. 

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: Yes this book is great and did distract me from gtn (mostly. I did end up reading a great fanfic about wake, g1deon, and pyrrah in the middle but otherwise...). It is part of my holy trilogy of wlw books (this, baru, tlt) that I just read recently. The next book comes out on March 2nd so it will be a good distraction from waiting for Alecto. Like Baru, it made me feel like shit about colonialism but unlike the other two books in my trilogy (redacted but if you’ve read those books you know) didn’t happen. It had a not too sad ending. 

Similar themes: see my venn diagram, but seriously what is going on with brain surgery in these books...

*The Luminous Dead - Cailtin Starling 9/10

Summary: A woman needs money and to get the money she goes on a risky cave dive. It turns out the only contact she has with the rest of the world is a woman who’s kinda a dick. It’s 400 pages of creepy cave diving and these two women talking to each other. It’s creepy and uncomfortable and I loved it. I did spend the whole book thinking it would be such a good story podcast.

How well it helped me forget: 10/10

Rating explanation: It did make me forget about tlt! There are some kinda boring parts but it pays off. The relationship between the two main characters is very interesting (though a bit fucked up). 

Similar themes: wlw enemies to lovers, traumatised characters, shitty moms

[rwhague]

Overview of Mental Health for Writers

Often with writing, we put our characters through hell. Some of the worst experiences are narrated in our stories leaving scars on our characters. These scars show up in the form of depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder, etc. in our characters, but unless one has first-hand experiencing these things, they can be hard to get write. And in a world where our readers actually have their own mental health struggles, it is important that we get it RIGHT.

As a registered nurse, I have a different view of mental health that shows up in my character development. I also experienced quite a bit of post-partum depression and anxiety which gave me an eye-opening view of mental health and how it is handled in the US. Long story short: I wasn’t impressed. For the next several blog posts, I’m going to be using my old nursing school textbooks and using that information to show how to write convincing characters that are suffering with mental health crisis.

This will not be a guide to be used to diagnose or treat mental illnesses. It is strictly a writer’s character development tool.

A mental disorder is “a clinically significant behavioral or psychological syndrome or pattern that occurs in an individual and is associated with present distress or disability or with a significantly increased risk of suffering death, pain, disability, or an important loss of freedom.” (Videbeck p. 3) So basically, if a person has a moment of anxiety, it does not mean that they have an ‘anxiety disorder.’ Everyone gets anxious now and again. An anxiety disorder would be someone who deals with anxiety often enough that it is hindering something in their life. For example, they can’t go to work because of the anxiety, or they develop an eating disorder, or they can’t leave the house. The anxiety is so bad that life—or areas of life—become impossible or very hard.

I got to this point dealing with my anxiety where life was nearly impossible. I couldn’t sleep, eat, work, write, or take care of my child. It was one of the lowest points of my life. This led to depression and thoughts of suicide. It was not that I wanted to die—I just couldn’t keep living with this constant sensation of wanting to rip my hair out.

It’s been 9 months since the worst of it, and I am still recovering while under the care of a therapist. The anxiety is still there—it probably always will be—but we’ve been working very hard on using coping mechanisms. I’ve come a long way and still have a long way to go. But now I have hope, which is something I didn’t have before.

But anyways. . .

There are several different types and classifications of mental/psychiatric disorders. Keep in mind that all of these can come about for different reasons. Some are related to genetics, others physical health issues, stress, and trauma. Each impact a person to different levels and treatments are not identical. Here is a basic list of them:

Anxiety: A vague feeling of dread or apprehension; it is a response to external or internal stimuli that can have behavioral, emotional, cognitive, and physical symptoms. A person with an anxiety disorder demonstrates unusual behaviors such as panic without reason, unwarranted fear of objects or life conditions, uncontrollable repetitive actions, reexperiencing traumatic events, or unexplainable or overwhelming worry. They experience significant distress over time, and the disorder significantly impairs daily routines, social lives, and occupational functioning. (Videbeck p. 227)

Schizophrenia: Causes distorted and bizarre thoughts, perceptions, emotions, movements, and behavior. It cannot be defined as a single illness; rather, schizophrenia is thought of as a syndrome or as disease process with many different varieties and symptoms, much like the varieties of cancer. A person with schizophrenia is characterized by some of the following: delusions, hallucinations, and grossly disorganized thinking, speech, and behavior, flat affect (or seemingly lack of expressions during social situations), lack of volition, and social withdrawal or discomfort. (Videbeck p. 252)

Mood Disorders: Also called affective disorders are pervasive alterations in emotions that are manifested by depression, mania, or both. These interfere with a person’s life, plaguing him or her with drastic and long-term sadness, agitation, or elation. Accompanying self-doubt, guilt, and anger alter life activities, especially those that involve self-esteem, occupation, and relationships. (Videbeck, p. 281)

Personality Disorders: Diagnosed when personality traits become inflexible and maladaptive and significantly interfere with how a person functions in society or cause the person emotional distress. (Videbeck p. 319)

Substance Abuse: A person using a drug in a way that is inconsistent with medical or social norms and despite negative consequences. (Videbeck p. 349)

Eating Disorders: Can be viewed on a continuum, with people with anorexia eating too little or starving themselves, to people with bulimia who eat chaotically, and people with obesity eating too much. (Videbeck p. 373)

Somatoform Disorders: The presence of physical symptoms that suggest a medical condition without a demonstrable organic basis to account fully for them. (Videbeck p. 393) For example: a person who has a limp but no underlying injury.

Cognitive Disorders: A disruption or impairment in the higher-level functions of the brain. They have devastating effects on the ability to function in daily life. They can cause people to forget the names of immediate family members, to be unable to perform daily household tasks, and to neglect personal hygiene. (Videbeck p. 440)

Keep in mind there can be quite a bit of overlap within each of these mental health categories. A person suffering anxiety can have a personality disorder. Or a person with depression can have a problem with substance abuse.

Obviously, this is just a very broad overview of mental/psychiatric health. The following posts are going to be breaking down each of these disorders on an understandable level and providing applications for writers on how to incorporate these things into your stories.

Psychiatric-Mental Health Nursing, by Sheila L. Videbeck, fifth ed., Wolters Kluwer/Lippincott Williams & Wilkins, 2011.

[tsvaling]

Update

So, to everyone who has continued to patiently follow me and read my stories despite my lack of productivity the last year (two years? I don’t know how much time has passed anymore, it’s all a blur), I am very grateful for your support and patience and not spamming me with pleas for updates on anything. I also want to apologize to anyone who has messaged me who I haven’t responded to because I’ve been burnt out and shit at responding to everything lately, and then I put it off for so long that I feel super awkward at the thought of responding. I’m sorry.

Anyway, just to let you all know, I’m still here, lurking, haunted by my incomplete stories, but also in the process of making some major life changes that might(?) help kick me back into writing again.

The main reason I’ve been on an unplanned hiatus has been because of serious burn out from work (as well as taking a serious emotional hit when I had to put down my old cat last summer). The last year or two, as everyone has dealt with, has really fucked with my head, and my job only seems to be making it worse. We haven’t necessarily been busy at my office, in fact we went from being slammed earlier in the year to barely scraping by the last few months. It’s been rough, and we all hate being there. My boss is so tired of being a dentist, he is actually thinking of retiring early, and I’m so tired of being an assistant that I decided I finally need to do something about it.

I mean, my mental health got so bad, I had a severe panic attack one morning earlier this year that still freaks me out. It was the worst I ever had, I literally thought I was having a heart attack and had to wake my mother up to help talk me down. The symptoms then stayed with me on and off for the whole day while I was at work, and didn’t subsided until nearly midnight. It was awful.

But, it gave me a hard kick in the butt to really reexamine my life and what was really causing, or at least exacerbating my anxiety and depression. Part of it was diet and lifestyle, so I started exercising and cut way back on caffeine, sugar, and salt to help get my blood pressure in check. It’s helped me manage, but every time I have to leave the house, I find myself anxious and angry, and I finally realized it was my job and the lack of mental stimulation that was really holding me back.

SO, I’m going back to school in January. It’s official now. I’m going to get a second degree, this time in English Lit, and then hopefully go on to get my Masters in Library Science. Yes, I want to be a librarian. I’m also planning on minoring in creative writing, mainly because I don’t have to take any gen ed courses and can focus entirely on core requirements, so have the room in my schedule to work seriously on a minor.

I decided I needed to do this now while I have the support of my parents (who are older, retired, and not going to be around much longer) and before my boss does retire so I can continue to have some sort of income while I go to school. I’m fortunate my boss is willing to be flexible with me and I have to take advantage of that.

My last time in college was a clusterfuck, to put it mildly. I barely got my B.S. in psych and very quickly changed my mind on dental school. I was being pushed and pulled in different directions, uncertain on where to go, and trying to live up to others expectations while lacking a real support network (basically I had my ex who was more than happy to encourage bad habits and spend any extra loan money on himself). This time I’m going back on my own terms, with my own goals and expectations firmly in place, so I am hoping to do better this time around.

I got into writing to cope with my own mental health issues and the toxicity of my relationship with my now ex, and then as an exploration into my own identity and sexuality. I love writing and I want to get back into it, but I feel I need more of a push and a better understanding of how to organize my time, as well as my ideas to improve and potentially write my own original work. To go along with that, I also need a career I feel I can be myself in and reach my full potential, rather than stagnating in something I don’t particularly enjoy because it’s ‘easy’ (read: mind-numbing on a good day, actively enraging on a bad day). After doing some research, I decided Library Sciences, with a focus on archiving, was where I want to be. But that’s a few years off, and for now I am focusing entirely on my B.A. to prove that I can do it, and also, weirdly enough, to give me a break from my job.

Sitting around and playing video games is a fun escape, but it hasn’t been enriching for me, which is ultimately why I haven’t been writing.

So, fingers crossed I can put the work in and not give up before I’ve really gotten into it.

As for my ongoing stories... or, at least ‘Amber Curse’ since that’s really the only one I ABSOLUTELY want to finish writing because it’s a beast - I’m not going to force myself to write any time soon, but when I have the urge to think about the story, I have been re-reading and editing old chapters. When I feel confidant enough and have figured out how to balance my time properly between work, school, and private writing, I will begin posting the newly edited version to AO3, along with new updates as I finish them. I will eventually transfer some of my older stories over there, too, given time. I just have to force myself not to re-read some of them because when I do, I cringe at times - I know I’ve come a long way in my writing skill, but I don’t have the energy to fix those, so I’ll post those as-is.

Thank you all again for you patience, and please wish me all the luck with this huge change I’m making in my life.

[bopphackslife]

Identity

Writing has been on the backburner for me as I finished up grad school, internship, and working at my graduate assistantship job. Journaling, poetry, notes app ponderings, and writing down things I’m grateful for all got lost as I focused on surviving the final push in the concluding chapter of my schooling. However, as I ease into this new part of my life, I’ve been slowly regaining my mental energy, clarity, and focus, which is translating into a reconnection to self.  Who is this “self” now? I still firmly have that root self-energy that can only be described as compassionate, caring, loving, and understanding. And now, along with this self-energy, I have new identities to integrate that draw upon that root self and identities to transform or let go of.. The most important identity I have transform at the moment is my “student” identity. For the last few years, I have been a grad student studying clinical mental health. It has required a lot of my time, commitment, and energy as I’ve worked toward completing my degree. This degree is necessary to allow me to do my work as a therapist. The time I spent as a grad student these past few years allowed me the opportunity to do some deep work on myself and learn many fundamentals about how to help clients on their paths toward self-actualization, healing, and self-acceptance. I did a lot of my own research and formed my own philosophy on what it means to help someone through the lens of therapy. Now, my time in this grad student bubble has burst, and I am but a billion floating particles waiting to be condensed into a new shape and form. These particles are fundamentally coded with this student identity and are awaiting what’s next. So, “what’s next?”, I openly ask my student part. This part of me that is a student dipped its toes into spiritual practice and mental health concepts before starting school, and I feel it reemerging as the predominate force as I open up my heart and soul to this career path I am forging. It shared a lot of space with grad school and absorbed what it could in that time. Now, to reframe its purpose, it’s time to give it the new job of learning more about running a private practice, continuing to focus on issues related to different traumas clients come to heal (sexual abuse, physical abuse, neglect, spiritual/religious trauma, how to handle and cope with depression and anxiety, etc.), and reawakening the spiritual aspects of my personality and the desire to learn more about self, the universe, and others. This identity is transforming from being in a more structured environment, to returning to being responsible for self-education. I am a BIG fan of research and learning about all different kinds of subjects to be well-educated, informed, and as useful as I can be (especially in my field). I wholeheartedly welcome this transformation back to self-research, intellectual pursuits through books, articles, documentaries, etc., and a reinvigoration for learning about different cultures, belief systems, etc.  Another identity I am starting to integrate is my professional identity as a counselor. I am no longer a student or intern. I am now a pre-licensed counselor working on obtaining my license. This is a big deal. This is a whole new level of responsibility, and I take it very seriously. Along with it comes some higher expectations on myself to be worth the money I am charging to clients. I feel like this requires a continued focus on my own self-care, health, mindfulness practice, and to continue to absorb as much about different avenues of healing and mental health that I can. Conversely, I think it’s time I get more serious about becoming more niche with the techniques I use and the types of clients I see. I’ll honestly see anyone right now, but with an increase in my price, I need to be mindful that I’m asking a lot of people. $100 a session is no small chunk of change. If I want to attract more clients, I need to be mindful of what I am proposing I can help with. Also, I want to continue to seek out community within the mental health field related to my topics of interest. Trauma, IFS, Gestalt, experiential, etc. I also want to take mindfulness-based courses to increase my understanding of ways mindfulness-based stress reduction can help those suffering from all different types of ailments. 

[jooniez]

This is gonna sound so sappy but it's 4am and I'm emotional damn it I think a big reason why I don't mind the shift in bts music/english releases is that their music is personal to them and reflects what they're currently feeling. A lot of their older releases were dark bc they were having a really rough time (hate, self confidence issues, depression, anxiety, fear, identity crisis) and they were coping as best as they can. And if they're feeling happy rn, enough to make sillier, happier songs to spread the joy... well good for them, it makes me happy too :')

Yes I know, separate the art from the artist and all that, and yes, there's always room for constructive criticism, but that's how I feel about the whole thing. As long as they're happy, I'll support them.

that’s a really good point actually and now I’m going to be sappy with you 🥺 I feel like some armys forget about that a lot as well and I hate when ppl pull the ‘I miss the old bts’ because it’s like??? I’m sorry, bts aren’t teenagers anymore .. like they debuted eight years ago .. you realize how much people change in eight years??? especially when you’re moving from teenage years into twenties you’re doing so much growing and changing and for bts as artists of course that means their art and the music they make will change with them!! change isn’t always a bad thing and there’s a difference between experimenting and evolving compared to just making different music because you think it’ll sell better and I think it’s pretty obvious that in bts’s case it’s just them changing and evolving and that’s reflecting in their songs!! but true it’s also important to remember that art is separate from the artist. I mean bts released ly tear which is a dark concept during the time where they were really getting popular globally and sometimes they just do certain sounds because they want to and not necessarily because it’s how they’re feeling at the moment!! Idk my feelings on this whole english singles/korean songs debate is that armys really just need to let people have their own opinions pls!!!! stop policing others feelings and telling them how they should and shouldn’t react or how they need to act in order to be a “real fan”!! I’m really happy seeing bts happy as well and I think it’s great that they’re trying new sounds and challenging themselves by singing in all english but I also just don’t really like permission to dance and that’s okay!! I appreciate the positivity and the message but I just don’t care for the song itself. I mean I’m a fan of bts FOR bts obviously so yeah I would rather listen to lyrics they write rather than lyrics that random english speakers write. bts are incredible lyricists and producers so I would just prefer to hear a song made by them!! armys can dislike stuff bts do but still appreciate them as people and musicians yknow? as fans we aren’t obligated to like every single thing, in fact it’s perfectly normal to not love every single thing!!✨