#i’m being sooooo not eating disordered about it!

[heartual]

[my-chemical-rot]

Health is not a moral obligation. A mentally ill person who isn’t actively recovering is not inherently a bad person or promoting their disorder or automatically anti-recovery for just not being ready yet. And regardless of how personally triggering or inconvenient or whatever their disorder is for you, it is still their disorder, their struggle, their life, and recovery is their choice to make.

[adotmbrosia]

spoilers for season 4(? i think correct me if i’m wrong)

thinking about sam’s disordered eating especially after the whole demon blood fiasco. sam’s focus on eating more healthier is highlighted especially after consuming the most vile thing a human can consume which was demon blood. its that visual aspect that is so special in shows that you can’t get in books. you visually see sam switch from eating the same greasy food dean eats to salads, smoothies, shit with more fiber. sometimes it’s even poked fun at (which makes me kinda sad because it’s so important to sam to BE this new redeemed self) it’s that guilt driven morality again. the juxtaposition of not being able to control your intake of demon blood to now full control of what you eat. it’s almost like he’s punishing himself for consuming demon blood by now controlling what he eats. sam doesn’t need to eat healthy because he doesn’t need to worry about growing old, his physique is a result of his life, and he cannot cook his own food. yet sam does this anyways anyways. its paralleled to eating disorders where the person tries to control themselves and what they eat because they cannot control outside factors.

sam’s already healthy yet he does this anyways because of this innate feeling that he is unclean it’s sooooo 😭😭💔💔💔 he’s cleaning himself from inside and out

[scribbleseas]

Beyond the Walls, Chapter 2: Mother Nature

Description: It's the year 850.

You are a renowned scientist who narrowly saved the world from impending famine and malnourishment with a myriad of agricultural advancements after Wall Maria fell, surrendering acres of farmland to titans. However, your innovations are not quite enough to be a permanent solution, given that their yield rate is nowhere near ideal. Many are still starving, costs for bread and vegetables are still high, and refugee rations remain low

Convinced that the only sustainable answers can come from the natural world outside the walls, you implore Survey Corps Commander Erwin Smith to allow you to join his company’s ranks for their next expedition. His only condition? You must be trained in omni-directional mobility gear under Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, Captain Levi Ackerman, to qualify for the expedition as a soldier. Despite having no demonstrated prowess outside your trusty greenhouse, you willingly accept Erwin’s terms, desperate to prove your hypothesis. However, during your time with the Captain, you soon learn that there is more to the stoic and strong soldier that meets the eye, and instead, you have much more in common that you would have guessed. Not even you, a certified genius in the horticulture field, could predict the blossoming romance between you.

Is your commitment to saving humanity enough for you to endure extensive training under the scrutinizing Captain? Or will it be your unexpected feelings for him that ultimately distract you from your original experiment?

Content Warnings: Violence, gore, death, swearing, eventual kissing, eventual smut, human-eating titans, symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder and obsessive compulsive disorder

Author’s Note: Hi Everyone! This was sooooo overdue. That being said, though, please let me know how you feel about this one! Believe it or not, this is only my third time writing Captain Levi. I really hope he’s in character for you all. I’m probably going to try to post the next chapter of Straight Laced next, but since I started the Fall Semester at my university, I can’t give you a date estimate. Shit happens, unfortunately.

Another announcement, I know I said I was going to post a poll about my next Ciel story, but I actually the next one myself lol. But on the bright side, I know you’ll all like it.

Thank you so so much for reading and staying patient with my terrible date estimates. (I know I originally said September 3rd for this one…)

Well, as always, Happy Reading!

- Dan

“I can’t even begin to tell you how jazzed I was when Erwin said you’d be joining us,” Section Commander Hange Zoë’s grin was nothing but radiant, alight with hope. Their hand rested on your forearm amicably as you walked through the Survey Corps’ Headquarters. 

You and Hange were correspondents long before you started your first aeroponics prototype, about a decade ago. Hange was your colleague, watching your hypothesis about landless planting develop with rapt fascination. You studied together up until the moment they decided to join the Survey Corps and focus their scientific genius on understanding titans. Meanwhile, you decided to continue your studies, pursuing a certification as a medic and a focus on agronomy, the study and practice of soil and crop management. 

Even with the distance between your respective research, you kept well in touch. It was Hange’s frantic encouragement that inspired you to make your direct appeal to Erwin Smith. They referred to the Commander as a visionary before you ever had. 

Hange had met you at the main entrance and insisted that they were your tour guide for the day. At the same time, a team of cadets started to move your belongings, deaf to your protests. While most of your belongings were equipment for the greenhouse and your experiments, rather than personal items, there were still a great deal of heavy boxes that needed moving. You felt sorry for the cadets tasked with the activity— especially in this heat— but Hange seemed to think little of it, telling you to let the young kids get their energy out. 

They said it as if the two of you were approaching your fifties, rather than your thirties. 

The corner of your lips pulled upwards in an answering half-smile. “I know. I’ve missed you,” you admitted, taking in the expansive halls. The headquarters was an old regal castle in the countryside, the hallways lined with large windows that allowed the summer sun to stream in. Despite the antiquated architecture, the premises seemed to be extremely well taken care of, there was no hint of dust, nor one blade of unruly grass. In fact, it was so picturesque, that you suspected that no onlooker would think to assume it was a military headquarters and instead, assume it was a wealthy residence.

“Well, Y/n, as did I. That’s why I made sure Erwin made me your tour guide,” Hange exclaimed. “There are a few places I want to show you, some people I want you to meet…come this way!”

You walked with Hange obediently, content with following them around the base. The tour started with your private quarters (the cadets left all of your boxes on the floor next to your bed), continued to the base’s training areas, Hange’s office, your new greenhouse, and ended with the mess hall. As you walked, you shared greeting nods with soldiers who passed you around the base. Few people stopped to exchange words with you, sensing that you and Hange were in the middle of touring. Erwin likely debriefed his forces prior to your arrival, anyway. 

The mess hall was abuzz with soldiers in decently high spirits, much to your surprise. There was a monotone chatter around the room as soldiers ate their breakfast.

The Survey Corps served their meals cafeteria-style, the lines at the far side of the room long as everyone waited for their lightly salted oatmeal and a singular slice of bread. As you suspected, there wasn’t a piece of fruit or a vegetable in sight because the military insisted its men sacrificed their diets alongside their lives. While you doubted you could produce enough vegetation to give everyone a nutritional boost in such little time, some change was better than no change. The tables of soldiers you passed continued to track your movements with evident curiosity, sizing you up— wondering whether or not you were as great as your reputation imagined you were.

“Levi Squad, Miche, Moblit, this is my dear friend Y/n Y/l/n,” Hange announced proudly, stopping at a long table towards the far side of the mess hall— the furthest away from the line of hungry scouts. Populating the table were a number of men and one woman, each regarding you with varying levels of interest.

 “Y/n, this is the Levi Squad,” Hange gestured to the group of six soldiers— the Levi Squad consisted of soldiers Petra Ral, Oluo Bozado, Eld Gin, and Gunther Shultz. Miche Zacharius and Moblit Berner were also distinguished Survey Corps members; Miche was one of Hange’s fellow section commanders and Moblit was their research assistant. You were never one to enter a situation unprepared, so you took the liberty of reading through the Survey Corps’ major players. “Levi Squad: meet Y/n!”

“I’m Petra. It’s great to meet you,” Petra spoke first, quickly rising from her seat to give your hand a professional shake. “We’ve been reading about some of your work…not that we understand the technicalities of it, but…” she laughed, “for curiosity's sake, we try. We could never do what you do.”

I’m not sure I know how I do what I do, either, you wanted to admit. Your pride forced you to swallow the words down like a dry cracker. 

“The pleasure’s mine,” you responded, reciprocating the shake and the same greeting with Gunther and Eld.

“You both can sit next to me,” Petra offered, shifting to the end of the bench. Hange took the seat directly next to Petra. You took a seat between the section commander and the tall soldier you knew to be Miche. 

“Honestly, I don’t know how I’ll do what you all--” you started, cutting yourself off with a start as Miche took a long inhale, sniffing near the side of your neck. You hummed curiously, but he made no attempt to explain himself. Instead, Miche nodded to himself and turned his attention back to his breakfast. The questioning look you sent to Hange went mostly ignored. They seemed more interested in the thin bread portion on Petra’s plate, suggesting Miche’s sniffing habit was an idiosyncrasy of his that was to be expected. 

Oluo shook his head, unimpressed with your comment. He took a long drink out of a teacup, making no effort to shake your hand and introduce himself properly. “I, for one, have no idea why the Commander thinks you can become a soldier in only two months or less. You’ll be titan chow mere minutes after we—“

“That won’t happen because she’ll be riding with us,” Petra interjected pointedly before turning her attention back to you, her smile apologetic. “Ignore him. He thinks he’s the Captain,” she rolled her amber eyes, cuing you into her joke. 

“Speaking of Levi… where is he?” Hange asked, taking the opportunity to change the subject from your potential demise to the whereabouts of the absent Captain. Their ponderous expression suggested that Levi was rarely late to anything. From what little information you were about to glean about him— his superhuman battle prowess, neatly groomed appearance, and stern expression to match — you imagined that the man was also quite punctual. 

“Running late from his tea pick up,” Gunther answered, causing the group to share identical looks of worry and frustration. (Save for Oluo, he merely tutted and shook his head dismissively.)

“You know what that means,” Eld said, his thin lips pulling into a grim expression. 

Sensing your confusion, Hange started to answer. “It means they don’t have his— oh no,” Hange fell silent at the sight of the Captain quickly making his way towards the table. Despite being a handful of inches shorter than most of the soldiers around him, all standing scouts parted out of his way, eyes diverting from his stoic gaze. The way they scurried out of the way reminded you of anxious prey.

“We should tread carefully, you guys,” Petra suggested, “he’s empty handed.” She sent a warning look towards Oluo, who merely shook his head in response, his hazel eyes rolling. They acted like a married couple— an intimacy that only came from fighting at one another’s sides for years. It was strangely heartwarming that they were able to stay with one another for so long.    

“Morning, Levi!” Hange cheered, standing to greet him properly. They clapped him on the back, only to remove their hand in response to his continued silence and pointed glare. “Guess who’s sitting with us today?” they asked rhetorically, “Doctor Y/l/n! She just came this morning.”

You rose from your seat, unsure of how to proceed. Levi didn’t seem particularly interested in introducing himself to you. Instead, he regarded you, likely hypothesizing whether or not you could handle two months of intensive training under him and come out of it with maneuvering reliable enough to save your life. He was calculating any semblance of a chance you had at staying alive and carrying out your research. 

“You can call me Y/n,” you decided, extending your hand to him with a tentative smile. Levi made no attempt to return the expression, much less take you. Instead, he regarded the remnants of dirt on your palm, left behind after you took a soil sample from the front of the base upon your arrival— and hesitated. None of the soldiers seemed to mind, given that it was such a minimal shadow left from the soil. 

In fact, you doubted they noticed at all. 

You made a quick attempt to run your palm over your light green skirts, the linen material light enough for you to remain cool in the hot summer. You chuckled apologetically, “I took a sample from your soil here. To see if it needs any additional nutrients before I use it for my vertical trestles,” you explained, doubting he would understand what you were referring to. Your vertical trestles were long stands with dozens of small engravings to house plants. The beauty of your aeroponics system was that it could grow plants without needing a constant supply of water. All they needed was nutrient-dense soil, sprays of (nutrient-dense, of course) water every few days, and consistent sunlight. 

“It’s fine,” the Captain replied, his grave tone insinuating that it was anything but. Still, his calloused hand wrapped around yours, his palm surprisingly cold. His grip was firm and sure. “Given your line of work, you’re bound to drag filth around with you, Mother Nature.”

The derisive nickname caused your back to stiffen as your hand fell back to your side. You frowned, unsure of whether or not he was teasing you with it. But there was no sign of mockery in his face— only mild frustration and inconvenience. 

“Training is at noon. Don’t keep me waiting,” Levi ordered, turning swiftly on the heel of his boot to make his leave. He ignored Petra’s dismayed calls, asking where he was going and why he was skipping the meal. 

Hange noticed your expression as you reclaimed your seat. “It’s nothing personal. He’s always that grumpy.”

“Especially after that tea store under-watered the flowers again. The ones they need to make his black tea,” Petra sighed. You cringed, thinking about the type of lunacy that would drive someone to over-water camellia sinensis twice. 

“And I need to train with him later?” You asked, now mildly concerned for your well-being along with that plant. Commander Erwin said Levi was their best soldier, Humanity’s Strongest. But he didn’t specify whether or not Levi was their best teacher. Was there truly no one else to take on that burden? Someone nicer?

“You might think we’d have someone a bit more…patient, but no,” Petra said as if she read your mind. “All of us,” she nodded to the rest of the group with her chin, her red hair bobbing at the gesture, “need to be focused on Eren while Hange works with him. The other section commanders have to prepare our new cadets. That leaves, well, the Captain, as the most qualified to show you the ropes,” the more Petra explained Erwin’s decision, the tighter the knot in your stomach felt. All of Levi’s elite squad had to make sure Eren’s titan didn’t go berserk and ravage the military branch while their leader helped you, a full-time scientist, master notoriously complex equipment. 

“But you can do it!” Hange cheered. “If anyone I know can become a member of the scouts in exactly six weeks, it’s you!”

It was true. If Levi was Humanity’s Strongest Soldier, and the Eren Yeager kid was Humanity’s Last Hope, you were one of Humanity’s only obstacles standing between it and famine, which was just as dire. There was no reason to defeat the titans if most of the population was going to be malnourished and on the brink of starvation-caused extinction. Not to mention, it was too ironic: the titans are defeated only for their former prey to go extinct due to lack of food. 

You couldn’t watch that happen when you were so sure it was preventable. 

. . .

You had a doctorate in agronomy, a degree in horticulture, and a certification in medical care. And even after those years of hard schooling, long essays, and seemingly endless research projects, you still managed to suffer the worst of equipment malfunctions at the worst possible timing. 

But to be fair, who invented this gear?

The idea of omni-directional mobility gear was to make humans as swiftly airborne as possible, giving them the ability to evade a titan’s jaws and provide lethal proximity to their vulnerable napes in milliseconds. However, human facilities were much more delicate than a titan’s— it didn’t take a doctor like you to understand that. To endure high-speed movement and mid-air contortion, the stress would need to be evenly distributed across the body at all times. That was why limp leather straps were dangling from various parts of your legs and torso while you desperately tried to buckle them in their rightful places. 

Hange demonstrated the process for you about three times before they left to work with the titan shifter, swearing that you would at least survive the first session with Levi. Now you were standing alone, using one of the many benches to the slide of the big green field where new scouts stretched with their section commanders, as leverage while you tried to buckle the gas exhaust around your lower back.

Several starstruck scouts attempted to ask you if you needed a hand, but your pride refused. You were an academic. You were having issues with…leather straps. Not only that, you couldn’t, in good conscience, let teenagers help you buckle your uniform. 

“Do you honestly think your equipment is going to hold you up like that, Mother Nature?” The Captain’s harsh voice asked, causing you to sheepishly turn to look at him, your cheeks reddening. Thankfully, they were already rather flushed from the heat. 

“I don’t understand how you all put this on so quickly,” you explained, gesturing to the pieces of uniform that you managed to construct. “It’s like a puzzle…” you mumbled before your face lit up with relief. 

“Oh--- there it is.” The buckle slipped through one of the adjustment holes, letting you pull the equipment around your abdomen snuggly. While you weren’t quite sure if this was the proper adjustment, you couldn’t help but nurse your satisfaction while you could. The compressed gas from the exhaust powered the wiring mechanism that worked like a grappling hook: the anchors on the edges of the wires were supposed to dig into any possible service and maintain your weight.

“The section commander was supposed to show you,” Captain Levi said.

“They had to run. Time-sensitive experiment with Eren. Something about sleep deprivation’s impact on titan shifting… It’s really fine, I know how important it is to be meticulous with your experiments’ timing. Maintaining consistent variables and all…” you were rambling. You cringed at yourself— your lack of social competence. But in all fairness, you spent most of your formative years in a laboratory, or your nose buried so deep within the pages of a book, that you could distinguish your textbooks from scent alone. Nothing— out of your vast libraries of literary knowledge— covered how to speak to a soldier of unimaginable strength (and with impossibly azure eyes to match.) It was no wonder the hottest part of a flame was its innermost blue. 

“Sounds like Hange,” Levi said noncommittally, but he didn’t seem angry. That told you he was more than accustomed to the scientist’s effervescent (and extremely capricious) nature. It suggested he expected it, at this point. Anyone close to Hange knew to expect some turbulence, at some point. You were relieved Hange managed to find someone in the Survey Corps to grow close to. They deserved it, and it seemed Levi could use Hange’s enigmatic scheming in his life. 

“Can you please just…” you looked at the equipment meaningfully. You managed to complete all of the straps that were a bit too personal to ask of him, but there were a few that ran behind your back and attached to said buckles that you couldn’t figure out how to stabilize without a mirror.

“I’m required to double check your equipment -- whether or not you proved incompetent with putting it on. You’re still a newbie, Plant Lady,” Levi said, already fixing the strap that fastened your gas exhaust-- the one you just fixed!

You huffed, dismayed by both your apparent failure and the new nickname. “I was growing attached to Mother Nature,” you smarted. 

“Just give me your right gearbox, and we might just manage to start training on time,” Levi ignored your quip. 

. . .

You were a puppet suspended in mid-air, only you weren’t lifeless, and somewhat in control of your facilities.

Every muscle in your body pleaded for help as you remained motionless, yet suspended in the air. Apparently, this was the first physical test the military put its cadets through. If you couldn’t strike a near-natural balance with the omni-directional mobility gear, then you were cut— sent to the fields to help with the harvest. Apparently, it would work the same for you. If you couldn’t exhibit the necessary physical prowess on your first day, what was the sense in the Survey Corps investing its time and resources into you?

You could feel sweat rolling down your neck, tracing an uncomfortable line down your back as you trembled with effort. You weren’t even wearing the full equipment. While Levi initially showed you how to put the whole ensemble together, you didn’t need all of it for your first day of training. All you currently were wearing was the various leather straps around your legs and feet, and the main belt around your waist that would have connected your gas exhaust and both gearboxes. According to your reading, those gearboxes held extra blades and gas canisters. Attached to those gearboxes were wooden handles that connected to the blades and anchors soldiers plunged into structures in order to move.

Your arms wanted to reach out and grab something, anything, to hold onto, but there was nothing in proximity. There were only two long bars that supported you on either side as if you were a swing. 

You tried to keep your gaze ahead of you, knowing that looking at the distance between your boot soles and the grass was too far for your liking. In fact, the thought of your elevation caused you to shudder, causing your body to sway. You weren’t proud of it, but you couldn’t suppress your worried shriek as your gaze slipped unintentionally downwards.

“Easy there. The more you panic, the less control you have. Put the most power into your core so your back straightens,” Levi watched you, observing your quivering body— in part from the physical strain that came with holding your back straight and core strong, but equally, your fear.

“Like…this?” You managed through gritted teeth. You blinked rapidly to try to keep the drops of sweat that cascaded from your hairline and past your eyebrows away from your eyes. “What if I-I….can’t do this any longer?” you asked, trying to come up with an estimate of how long you were balancing. Seven minutes? Eight minutes? The Idle Suspension Exercise was a minimum of ten straight minutes of steady balancing, excluding any time you spent thrashing. 

“Oh, you can just stop and---” the female scout to your side started to answer, only for the Captain to silence her with a single glance. Levi tasked her with turning the lever that hoisted you up and back down. “Nevermind,” she chuckled awkwardly, looking down at her muddy uniform boots. 

“Why did you tell Erwin you’d master this gear in two months when you knew you had basic stamina issues?” He asked flatly. There was a dichotomy between the Captain's blunt way of speaking and the way he regarded you closely-- curious to see if you could hold yourself up for a short while longer, or if you’d collapse. The tersely restrained energy in his physique suggested he was ready to spring into action if he so much as suspected the latter was about to occur. “Seems irresponsible, for a doctor.”

“I don’t have-- basic-- stamina--- issues!” You managed through labored breaths. He was essentially superhuman. He had no right to insinuate you had basic stamina issues when he’s had somewhere near a decade and a half to develop his skills in the Survey Corps. Compared to your single day, or half hour, of training rather. “And I’m not irresponsible!”

“I’ve seen first-day cadets perform better,” Levi’s arms crossed in front of his chest, his body relaxing. “Are you sure you gave this decision all of the thought it required, Mother Nature?”

“What?” Your head tilted indignantly, your eyes widening to immediately question the Captain’s words. Was he making fun of you? Questioning your sense of rational thinking? 

If you weren’t previously motivated to finish the exercise before, now you were deadset.

“Not everyone has what it takes to be a soldier,” Levi explained, unwithering against your enraged scowl.

“Some people are just more suited tending to flowers in a greenhouse than a battlefield. But I would say your attempt is…commendable,” he said. “Start letting her down, Sam,” Levi instructed the redheaded scout.

Your blood boiled, and it was from more than just the sun beating down on you. 

“Don’t you dare, Sam!” You demanded with an intensity you normally reserved for those goading you like the Captain, but you couldn’t control your tone during such immense physical and emotional stress. “I will finish this!” Now you had to. 

Sam’s eyebrows drew together as she hummed uncertainty, trying to decide whether she should obey the Captain when you were so clearly invested in beating the challenge. Her hand sat on the lever’s handle, unmoving. So she was going to listen to you. 

She sent a resolute nod to you. 

You’d dealt with numerous characters like Levi Ackerman. Stingy and sexist government officials and nobles who doubted your projects could produce anything of real scientific value…soldiers who didn’t want their wounds stitched up by someone they assumed was incompetent, based on the way you looked. Infuriated nobles who would threaten your life for making produce and food items more accessible when they’d been making fortunes by price gouging them. 

“Let me finish this, Captain,” you snapped, “I can do it!” 

“You already did,” Levi responded, taking a quick look at his watch. “You just passed twelve minutes. Let her down, now.” 

Before you could process what was happening, Sam obeyed, turning the lever around to set you back down on the ground. The second the bottoms of your boots reached the ground, your legs buckled, threatening to fully give into your weight. If you didn’t reach for the stand to your side, you probably would’ve fallen to the ground.

“You…did that…on purpose…didn’t you…” you panted to catch your breath once again, surprised you could string a coherent sentence together. You used the back of your hand to wipe sweat from your hairline and the rest of your face. You cringed at the pool of sweat that transferred from your skin, still hesitant to believe that you truly managed to go over the minimum requirement.

Because of Levi’s strategically-placed hostility. 

“Maybe,” Levi replied, something akin to reluctant respect on his face. “You’re dismissed for the day. “Meet me back here, same time tomorrow.”

“You’ll tell Commander Erwin I passed?” you asked hopefully, looking for your due praise--- even though it was obvious Levi wasn’t the type to commend his soldiers for a job well done. 

“It’s my responsibility to update the Commander as I see fit, Mother Nature.”

. . . 

“Do you have black tea in stock?” You asked the young girl working the counter at the bakery closest to the Survey Corps’ Headquarters. Even if it was the closest, it was still quite a ways on horseback-- about a half hour back into town. 

The girl blushed. “Um, no. We don’t. Our…newest hire…under-watered the plant,” she explained tentatively, her smile sheepish enough to suggest that she was the mentioned culprit. 

“It happens. Do you still have the plant?” you asked. 

“Yes, we do…?” she replied, unsure as to why you were asking for it. Her smile seemed a bit terse, irritated that you were looking for a plant that they were likely about to compost. 

“Can I buy it?” While over-watering typically caused a plant to wilt and rot, effectively killing it. However, under-watering was fixable in most cases. Especially if it was the summer sun--- while camelia flowers tended to prefer sunnier spots, they also required ample water to keep them nourished. It wasn’t unheard of for an amateur to be scared of overwatering the flowers.

“I think it’s about to die, so you can’t really use it for tea or anything,” she warned, expecting you to change your mind.

“Just name your price,” you smiled patiently, but you were sure it didn’t reach your eyes because of your impatience. But in a matter of mere minutes, you were walking to the public stable where you left your horse, Juniper, and you were on your way back to Headquarters to start your first official project as an Honorary Scout.

. . .

Tags:

[fan-a-tink]

Young Royals S3 thoughts

EP4 

Simon tearing up on the bus... I have no words to describe painful it is to watch this. 

That hug. Was so overdue. I’m so glad Wille is there. And him saying „I’m so glad to see you.“ - yes please tell Simon how much he is loved!

Sara and Felice looking at each other like the star-crossed lovers they are… 

Vincent, why do you have to be like that? This is literally the last thing Simon needs right now. Just, PLEASE, mind your own business!

„You’re so fucking pathetic“ - couldn’t have said it better. And finally, Wille defending Simon as well!

„It’s really a privilege… not a punishment.“ He’s becoming more and more like his mother…

Oh my god they write letters to their future selves? I do that every year - that is sooooo cool :) I really want to know what Simon and Wille wrote… and is it foreshadowing a time-jump? 

Oh August is down bad… He’s trying so so hard to reconnect with Sara, and it is kind of adorable… I just wish she’d let someone in (not necessarily August) and could talk to someone and get better… 

„The Queen is too unwell to attend the announcement.“ Oh oh oh oh oh…. I really really really hope she’ll get better. Why does everyone only ever get worse? 

When Linda suggested moving to Gothenburg, Jan-Olof was like ‚yes, please do!‘ 🙄 this old white man really thinks that would resolve things? 

I feel like if Farima had had this talk with Simon and Linda earlier, a lot of the plot of the first three episodes would not have happened. Simon could have avoided the brunt of the online hate perhaps.. Why did no one feel like it might be a good idea to prepare him for what was coming and give him some advice on how best to navigate being so suddenly in the public eye? Like, they seriously trusted Wille to communicate all of that, a sixteen-year old known for being quite impulsive? Simon needs real support from the system, and he was just left to struggle along without it for three episodes… Why did there need to be a stone thrown into his home for anyone to take any action and give any support?!?!?!

Micke apologising for hugging Sara without asking first… it’s small steps, but in the right direction :))

Simon deleting his online profile is like he is deleting himself. I feel so sad for him. And he is just so quiet and resigned. This is not right…

„Serious, traditional, smart and strong young man“ hahahahaaaaaa have you met Wille? 

„To love whoever you want is a human right.“ SIMON FOR PRESIDENT!! 

But I also get that Wille does not want to be a spokesperson. 

That discussion makes me really sad. Like, I do get where Wille is coming from. But Simon just quietly resigning himself to not arguing more because he wants to keep the peace, once again staying silent when he should have the space to express himself - that’s not right….

Love that Vincent has not enough authority to make people listen to him. 

„They’ve been mocking me all day. And now they want to demonstrate? And talking about solidarity….“ I agree, Simon, I agree. And they are protesting because they want to keep their privileges, while Simon was at a protest for worker’s rights. That’s two fundamentally different issues really shows all that’s problematic about Hillerska in a nutshell. 

No, Wille, don’t join them!

That scene between Simon and Sara really shows that I think a lot between them just needs to be talked about. Like I’m not saying it will resolve their issues, but at least if they were to talk about it together, they might make a little bit of progress? But I guess it’s only episode four and their reconciliation has to wait little longer for plot reasons 😤

It’s so painful how Simon has just become so quiet. Even when he’s singing, he’s kind of lost his voice… This is the worst!!!! Siiiimoooooon!! 

300 crowns for a lollipop??!?!

„That sounds like an eating disorder.“ !!!!!!!!!!! I sometimes feel like Simon is the only sane person in this school. 

No Vincent, YOU are becoming more boring every day. Your bullying is pathetic. Leave August alone. 

„Klumpig“ is my new favourite Swedish word :)) 

Even Simon’s smiles are quiet now… 

„I never want to hurt you, Simon.“ Look into those eyes. 

That scene with them by the window is beautiful… But I feel like their peace is so fragile. 

The students are just proving that the inspection was necessary. Like this is exactly the kind of behaviour that they wanted to put a stop to, calling them traitors for leaving, stealing someone’s trousers and chanting ‚Show your dick for Hillerska!‘ - just proves once more that you don’t need alcohol for a group dynamic to become toxic.

And NO girls, you don’t get to be mad at Felice for whatever she said or didn’t say during the inspection. And thank you, Maddie, for defending her!  

Ok, I’ve changed my mind, I want to have the shot of them waking up next to each other tattooed :) They are so soft… 💜

It must have smelled sooo bad in that room that morning… 😂

Felice and Sara finally talking. Hallelujah! 

Felice is a stronger person than I am because I would have forgiven Sara there and then. Scratch that, I have forgiven her long ago. I mean, if you just try to see it from her perspective… There must be some way for them to forgive and move on, right? Hello? Is anyone hearing this? 

Simon worrying what to gift Wille for his birthday… „Does he like to take baths?“ Hahahahahahaaaaa this is so accurate, like this is exactly how helpful my advice to my friends was when I was a teenager…. :)) 

„And just do whatever they say.“ Oh Simon… I completely understand that you just want to stay safe and protect yourself. Like you should. But please also listen to your friends and don’t let go of who you are… 

I really love the friendship these three have. I am so glad Simon has them…

Oh no, they’re talking about Erik. Here we go. This is going to be hard. 

Malte is acting the shit out of that scene!!! Incredible. But so is Edvin, like there is so much going on in his face without him even saying anything….

„And Erik was there. Erik was there.“

[emberboy29]

How did you know that you have this fetish

Okay sooooo. It’s time for some EmberLore™️

I’m not super well versed in the psychology of kink, but anecdotally it seems to me that this whole weight gain thing must be connected to my childhood fear of gaining weight. This is definitely something I’ve seen others in the community say they’ve experienced too. The general culture about 15 years ago seemed to portray being fat as like, the worst and most humiliating thing ever, so as a kid I definitely had an unhealthy relationship to food and my weight. I’ve never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I would definitely avoid eating at school and stuff like that because of how I felt. I was also horrified by the idea that anyone would see me as greedy for food or even just hungry.

So, the kink stuff came later. Willy Wonka weirded me out, and I was weirdly fascinated by that one part of Mario and Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story where Bowser gets fed a bunch of enchanted fattening food and gets so fat he falls through the floor…….. Yeah that was definitely an awakening. But like. Did I develop the kink because I was so afraid of gaining weight, or was I so freaked out by it as a kid because there was already something intrinsic in me that would later develop into this kink? Who knows?

I definitely prefer to see it as the first one. Gaining weight has been a really good thing for me and has helped me feel way more comfortable in my skin and with food, so I like to see it as something my brain gave me to protect me a bit. To take a fear and make it something pleasurable. That’s just my preferred narrative though, y’know?

[trollprincess]

Okay, so. Episode six of Wolf Pack:

THAT is why Blake doesn’t have a phone? That’s … that’s ridiculous. A phone didn’t break up her family, it was her dad being a loud abusive git and her mom cheating. THAT is what broke them up. C’mon, Blake, I know you’re a teenager, but I was hoping you were vaguely possessed of common sense.

Speaking of Blake, at least she and Phoebe made up, I guess. Tia murmuring at Phoebe and Phoebe being all, “Oh, shut up,” was super-cute. Too bad for all the eating.

Sooooo. Baron? Darren? Whatever his name is. I just … okay. I mean, it’s not the worst storyline this could have followed, but whatever.

Okay, you can’t tell me you brought in Gideon Emery to act his ass off in ONE episode and that’s it. I refuse to believe it.

Look, at least the previous mid-riff baring numbers FIT. That embroidered-looking thing Luna was wearing in the barn looked terrible.

As someone with an anxiety disorder, watching Everett be put on the spot like that at the party made my anxiety kick up HARD. Stop DOING that to him! Even if he’s not medicating and he feels better it’s still THERE.

Harlan has very fluffy hair. Because it’s full of SECRETS. And BAD GAY FLIRTING.

Why do I feel like the twins’ “real” father is going to show up in the last episode at the last moment so next season can be him trying to get his kids back? Which, of course, will only be an acceptable plotline if he does so by negotiating custody with Garrett and then the two fall in love after the pack thinks they’d make a cute couple and Parent-Trap them into getting together.

I don’t KNOW why I’m still watching, okay? I know I’m a sucker for “teens growing into their powers” stories, but I also know about shows run by Jeff Davis and how this way madness and bad writing lead.

Everett’s dad is very nice and genuinely concerned, and I’m just wondering when the fucking divorce will come because Jesus hopscotching Christ, y’all.

So SMG protecting the werewolf. Trying to capture it for testing or something? Still monster-hunting with a side business in murdering security guards? I … I don’t know anymore.

Remember the ice rink? Just the core four on TW going and having fun by themselves, even though there were bad things out there, being silly, enjoying themselves, everybody’s sober? Not that everybody NEEDS to be sober, mind you, but I feel like we went from “My mom does all the grocery shopping” and a natural lack of swearing given where TW aired to “Everybody at this party is higher than the the original Woodstock crowd” and “I can curse on Paramount Plus!” followed by a string of swear words even my curse-heavy vocabulary is impressed by. I don’t know, I guess I just miss the ice rink because it felt like that was more character-developing than the party at Tia’s and less like someone put [insert rave here] in the script and a supervisor came along to whack the writer with a newspaper and say, “No! Bad writer!” and had them fix it to … er, this.

On the one hand, shame Phoebe died. On the other hand, was it really necessary to drag the actress across a glass ceiling in a bikini top which was already threatening to structurally collapse in the last episode, much less during a blood-soaked body haul?

I’m going to need all these generic white boys to start wearing name tags. Except Harlan, who is fluffy, and Shaggy Napoleon or whatever we’re calling Luna’s horrible taste in men.

I’m not saying this show could make me a lot happier if the pack end up a polycule (obviously not Harlan and Luna together, but Luna/Blake and Harlan/Everett would be worth it), but I’m not NOT saying that either.

[idsb]

i’m so happy we feel the same about Tik Tok… im so TIRED of seeing all those tik tok swifties saying how much they love Taylor and being annoying and loud like… I will never get notice by her again… it was hard on Tumblr but on Tik Tok??? I feel like I’m in high school again and they’re all the popular girls that have the pretty privilege and are the center of everything… i miss her here so so much

no EXACTLY! thats exactly what it is. that app is sooooo toxic for self-image in so many ways and I actually think there was a study that part of the algorithm is it shows you conventionally attractive white people (and I say white specifically because it was a whole thing about how racist the algo is in late 2020 as well which tied into this and is an entire additional topic and problem), it's fueling eating disorders, my self esteem PLUMMETS within minutes of logging on, etc.

and also! like I said in the tags this ties into why the Taylor fans on there all seem so nasty and mean; the app is legit catered towards the mean girl type. and it's legit soooo hard to watch because it's not the sort of people Taylor tries to even relate to in the first place but it literally feels like they've co-opted the whole fanbase and it makes me so uncomfy!

[rivangel]

Real question, but ignore if it's bothersome or makes you feel uncomfortable or too personal.

Would Levi date/love you in real life or even in canon world? Like with how you have such a strong way of understanding him so fucking well I honestly LOVE how you interpret him as he would be in different situations, you know this answer best.

Again, if this makes you upset or uncomfortable to think about please ignore! I'm just a curious person.

thisss post is p personal so if you dont care about me as a person dont read😭 /gen

(I’m asexual so definitely not in real life. even if i didn’t know who Levi was and he was just There, iiii wouldn’t feel any attraction, or at least not nearly as much as with him being fictional. idrk how to explain it)

putting aside all the reasons i wouldn’t survive the canon world (💀), iiii really don’t know? i cant decide? mostly because of the personality disorder so i really can’t tell u what i’m like :| i get obsessed when someone tells me i’m actually really intimidating or funny for examples bc i didn’t know. or shy, bookish, excitable etc etc idk about any of it.

but enough about psychology. i used to be a really clingy person who couldn’t be by myself basically ever lmao, but i’m the exact opposite now. Levi would notttt like a clingy partner, or someone who needs him in order to stand on their own. he’s fiercely independent, and so he would need someone who’s his equal in that regard. yeah that’s me

i kind of kin levi💀 all the shitload of abandonment issues and trauma? check. will sooner eat glass than ask for help? check check. cant read social cues, all the emotional expression around others of a brick wall (unless i’m masking)? check check check.

and i feel like Levi would get along with someone who has experienced to some extent his kind of pain. in other words someone bubbly but especially innocent in any regard is not someone he’d get along with romantically. (so i pass that one.)

i’m kind of an intellectual too? you don’t necessarily need to be smart, but you should function a lot on logic and being inquisitive or introspective. same as him. so me.

Levi would have trouble with someone who lives with their heart on their sleeve or lets emotions guide all their choices. he’s badddd at emotions, wouldn’t be able to return that energy and wouldn’t know what to do with it all. he’d get overwhelmed. iiii don’t know which one i am sooooo… undecided.

seeing how Levi is so awkward and aloof as a person, he’d want to be around someone who’s notttt like that with their close friends / people they love. same reason Levi especially gets along with people like Furlan and Isabel, Erwin, and Hange. all extroverts in varying ways. i’m extremely fucking awkward but with ppl close to me i’m definitely more of a Hange or Isabel type💀 so that’s good at least. as Levi’s partner, being very reserved, defensive or shy wouldn’t go anywhere.

also similar to Levi, i stuff down basically all my emotions until i pretty much explode. i don’t really know how to decipher my feelings or what they mean. i don’t think that’s a significant factor to having chemistry with him, but it’s worth mentioning. about Doing Emotions, Levi doesn’t seek out support with his emotions, and in fact he wouldn’t want that. he would prefer your feelings for each other, and the things you each do to protect, comfort, or be there for each other understood. his partner doesn’t need to be the same as him, but it’s good they understand that. we'd be very comfortable with each other in that regard.

also same as Levi, i just avoid everything that upsets me in the moment, and can be immature or petty at signs of conflict. Levi is an extremely mature person, but he isn’t someone who’s emotionally intelligent, and he’s a sensitive character. thus his first instincts when there’s been a misunderstanding or he feels a sense of one of his biggest fears - abandonment - he can’t bring himself to reveal that vulnerability, so he either deflects, gets petty, pulls away, or all three. taking that into account alone, me and Levi would be a disaster to say the least lmao. he needs someone who encourages him to confront the issue one way or another.

i’m not sure if i’m more calm or hotheaded, but i have insane anxiety and the worst anger issues ever. maybe that would fall into the category of “feral-ness” like Hange has to an extent. Hange is also an intelligent and logical character (i mean they’re a fucking scientist), which i relate to so i think i pass that. maybe.

i can stay calm in a fast-paced urgent situation. also important not just if i want to survive in the aot world (i wouldn't anyway probably), but that's important to Levi. alongside strength (in the broad definition).

so my conclusion: OBJECTIVELY yeah.... maybe... if i live that long. but also we have a lot to learn about communication and getting over our own ingrained self-hatred/perceived worthlessness/fear of intimacy etc etc. Hange can be our couples therapist lollll

[charlieisacastle]

Most excited about—Nick fully coming out and being open about himself (and hopefully make some of his own friends who will love him and accept him? *elbows the rugby team*

Least excited about…I know it’s sooooo important to see eating disorders (especially in men) portrayed accurately and with some hope so I’m gonna watch it and be glad it’s there but damn is that gonna be hard to watch.

yea thats gonna be so heartwarming. i cant wait for it to happen.

oh yea im sure the eating disorder storyline is going to be hard. personally i am excited to see it but its still tough so yea i get what u mean

[actuallymysecretblog]

Hi there. I need a place on tumblr that none of my irl friends and other blog followers know about… I have other blogs and I always share info about them to each other to let my followers and friends know that I made new blogs. Nope not this one. This one will remain a secret so I can blog my intrusive thoughts without making people concerned. Well people might get concerned here but hey, I am unknown…

I’m big on Mental Health Awareness so please feel safe to reach out to me if you need a friend who understands.

Some basic information about me:

I’m 28 so don’t freak out. I’m legal, plus ten years, oh gawd I am old… jkjk

I am currently diagnosed with Type 1 bipolar disorder and ADHD (Very new). Sometimes I wonder if my bipolar disorder was misdiagnosed and it was just ADHD the whole time. Thats a thing apparently in women…Anyhoo, I am medicated for both diagnosis’s, it is sorta working haha. I do however need to find a therapist again…

Lately my Bipolar has been in a low spot, sooooo depressed lol. Doesn’t get suicidal but I am making more dark jokes about it soooooo I gotta knock that off…

In my past I used to struggle with self harm and had undiagnosed/untreated Bulimia. So I never got proper therapy for the ED, I just helped myself to stop my negative eating habits. Oh and I have childhood trauma from verbal, emotional, and mental abuse. I have abandonment issues from many things…ask me lol its too much.

So yeah thats all I am going to say. Feel free to DM me for any reason. Oh except being a perv, no nudes yall.

Okieeee byeeeeee✌🏻

[journalgirlsworld]

TW//: Mentions of Death, SA and, ED’s

I think the first time I wanted to die was sixth grade. Maybe around Christmas when reality hit. My grandpa died the 16th two days before my 12th birthday and 10 days before Christmas. My mom was stressed about losing our apartment. We lived in section 8 housing where they did inspections, it wasn’t always the cleanest. She was stressed and I remember her yelling at us. Me and my sisters that if we didn’t help we’d end up homeless. “Do you want to live in box on the street?” She yelled. We went to bed with our older tucking us in as I asked “are we gonna be homeless?” She proceeded to do what any good sister would do and told us no and that everything would be fine. I remember thinking as I laid in bed that it’d of been easier for her if I was never born and that I wish I was dead. About to an few weeks later was my grandpas service. I didn’t know how to feel, we weren’t close and I didn’t even really know the guy. He took me out every once in an while to eat and was nice to me. I remember hearing my mother cry and feeling her pain surge through me as I leaned on her shoulder and cried. I hate crying in front of others so I stepped to the side. Tears rolling down my 12 year old cheeks as I look out on other tombstones wondering why he’d passed and why I was crying cause I barely knew the guy. Sensing someone staring I look over to see an cousin looking. I don’t know him much at all. So I wipe my tears angrily and leave to comfort my mother hiding behind her. I realized that I couldn’t die because she’d cry like that for me. No matter how many times she’s yelled at me, beat me or I’ve been angry at her. There’d always be even if it was an small, an part of her that loved me and would cry out over my body. So I carried on, burdened by pain.

The second time I was truly ready to end it all was 8th grade. I can’t remember much but I’m assuming it’d been an particularly rough day. It was night, I thought she’d been sleeping. So I laid on my bed in our shared room crying. Shuttering as snot rolled down my nose, drooling with my mouth gaped open breathing in air as my body racked with cries. Cries of pain and guilt. Guilty because I thought I was to blame. The one to blame for an fellow classmate taking my innocent. Preying on my naivety. Guilting me and threatening to tell my mother that I’d been playing with glass and an lighter. I didn’t want to get in trouble right? Hear her say she was mad or disappointed? Beat me in one of her stress induced rages? So I said okay because I thought what we where gonna do was okay and normal. It wasn’t. It was horrible, i felt bad after. And I didn’t even know why. And then due to being sooooo uneducated by the American school system when I finally realized it was too late. I’d just been raped at 7. Joining the other what I assumed to be 99% of young girls and women that are assaulted before or at 7. I was another #metoo. And you know who I was blaming? Myself! Because I didn’t understand that I was the victim. So when she suddenly asked me “what was wrong?” in that dark room at night. I simply said “nothing.” Because I thought I was to blame and I didn’t want her to be disappointed in me.

The latest time was during my sophomore year, I had an eating disorder, my school had just allowed students to come back to school with masks. My anxiety and social anxiety had grown, I didn’t know how to interact and I couldn’t do it. I was still getting yelled at, at home and I had no friends. So I begged and pleaded my mother before she finally allowed me to go online. She was ether gone most of the day allowing me to rot in bed slowly. My depression over taking me. My little corner in our shared bedroom cluttered with trash, my body unwashed for days, my curly hair matted and my stomach growling as I starved myself. I don’t blame her at all. She had my younger siblings to take care of. I didn’t need to take away from them especially during that time when money was oh so tight. So I kept quiet. I showed up to work everyday with an smile pretending I didn’t want to open that top kitchen drawer and slit my wrist. Smiling and cracking jokes before allowing my face to drop moments later. But my mom needed me so I kept going.

And now I’m still here, it hasn’t gotten that much better but I’m gonna start trying to get better. To have better and to feel better. To anyone struggling like I am now. It will get better but you’ve got to make the decision to make it better. It won’t happen magically from manifesting or shit like that. You’ve got to make it happen and everything will fall into place.

[flockofdoves]

finally finally finally(!!!) got to go to have my first appointment with my new primary care doctor after her having such a long waiting list (even though it still was way shorter than other doctors ppl in a local lgbt fb group recced as being good with fat patients) and then having my first scheduled appointment last may canceled due to her having a family emergency

and god. started tearing up afterwards. ive never had such a good doctors appointment in my life.

she ordered the tests i asked about and gave me the sleep doctor referral i needed but then also went above and beyond and was thorough with ordering even more tests for stuff that occurred to her

it was so validating like i was trying to step around like ‘a friend with sleep apnea really encouraged me to look into getting a sleep study done and i already did one of those take home ones where you tape a little thing around your finger last year and it was negative but idk i thought maybe if possible i’d want to look into it still in case its something beyond obstructive sleep apnea’ and she was like yes of course! but then also asked ‘did the test you did at home come with any head gear?’ and when i was like ‘no just the finger thing the uhhh. blood oximetry light thing’ she was like ‘pshhh the only decent at home tests have head gear, thats nothing! and of course even then it doesnt look into a whole lot of other sleep issues’ which god. was sooooo affirming

and she was so upfront about the referral like ‘look. most sleep specialists around here are old cis white men who can be super intimidating and i’ve had issues with them misgendering my patients, if you tell me something like that happens i’ll always advocate for you, i’ve done it before, but just know that even if they dismiss you in the moment, while you shouldn’t have to go through that, you’re just there to get the results of those tests and i can help you advocate for what you need from there. not saying that to scare you off from doing it at all i’m writing the referral right now! but just i feel like to be responsible even if i know that type of doctor isn’t something new to most people, i still should give you that warning. i’d definitely recommend bringing a friend to your appointment with them if you can’

i know from people saying in the fb group that she is lgbt herself, but in addition to that the way she mentioned neurodivergence and me being autistic when referencing my medical history and also connecting it to other stuff i feel like she also has personal experience w that herself it was really cool

and god i still eased into it a bit despite literally going to her bc ppl said she practices HAES but the way she just seemed to totally Get all my stuff with my atypical restrictive eating disorder and experience with fatphobia in recovery and never mentioned my bmi and unprompted (when describing another medical concept with it as a relevant example) dismissed the idea of intentional weight loss diets as healthy for anyone

and both was really responsive to and appreciative of me just coming with a list of stuff i was thinking about and advocating for myself but then also suggested certain diagnoses as stuff to look into based on just like. normal listening to me without me even trying to feed information to passively hopefully get care which was so affirming bc it was all stuff i’d been curious about if could be the case for me but didn’t want to prioritize to look into above the main stuff i came with after not having a doctor for so long

also found out she also specializes in obgyn stuff so i dont even have to find another doctor for that!!

its slightly nervewracking that my follow up can’t be til december (also between that and her being pretty late to my appointment to help another patient, it makes me feel like. god. this system isn’t set up for good caring doctors to succeed. i hope she never gets burnt out or anything) fortunately i can at least do some of the blood work basically any time i’m free so thats cool

but god im just so grateful!!! holy shit!!! :)

[sluttyspiderkinnie]

I love that you’re starting to do more psychology related posts. I know that it’s probably bad to do and ask for but are you comfortable with an armchair diagnosing ask?

Let’s do it, anon!

(Just as a heads up demonizing literally ANY mental illness/neurodivergency ESPECIALLY personality disorders is not okay and you’ll catch a block or at least a dragging)

I’ve had conversations with people who were headcanoning Korvo as having npd but I really don’t think he’s a full blown narcissist. I think he just kinda has a bit of a superiority complex but more importantly I think he’s autistic and struggles to read and understand facial expressions and social cues and I think he also might have low empathy. I feel like whenever anyone around him is having Big Emotions he’s just like oh my god what do ??? and then not interpreting the situation or what the correct response is accurately and making it worse and being like please do not cry I am SO UNCOMFORTABLE

I think I’ve said on here before that I canon them all as autistic and I canon Terry as also having ADHD. I think that they all struggle with social cues to varying extents.

For the replicants, we see the struggling with cues mostly with the kids they go to school with. They get a lot of cues from classmates that don’t like them that they want to be left alone but unless it’s directly verbally communicated they’re just kind of like ???? :(( ???? the whole party scene w Yumyulack made me sooooo sad he was just like “my friends? where are they??” and they were SOOOOOO FUKIN MEAN and I’m so glad he has a friend now 🥺🥺

For Terry not getting social cues looks a little similar to the replicants in terms of like not being able to read when people don’t like him. Korvo had to verbally tell and physically show him because he wasn’t picking up on it. Understanding noise regulation and personal space are the two other big ones I’ve picked up on. (Lmao I felt so attacked in autistic when he was absolutely SHOUTING in confusion that someone thought he was too loud) As for the ADHD he just zones out a lot (lmao when he zoned out when Korvo was talking abt going back in time w those damn shoes and he was just like “pretzel bites are an underrated appetizer :) chinese food menus are always too long and that’s why I don’t eat Chinese food :) I was once again SCREEEAMINGGGG in I Feel Attacked lmfaoo), struggles staying focused with tasks, and at points will get super wound up and hyper.

Again this is all just armchair diagnosing and speculating and headcanoning but the cool thing about basically all media/literature/etc is viewers can interpret things however they want. My opinions don’t need to necessarily match up with other viewpoints and that’s ok because they’re mine and everyone’s entitled to have theirs :)

[purge-that-urge-rhackathon]

Spoons? What spoons?

Hi yall! Been meaning to check in for a while :3 put under a read more cuz goddamn it has been a while.

SO when last we met LOLOL or some other opener... xD

Dad

Dad’s doing as well as can be expected. His brain is more or less getting back to normal (mom says its not; I told her she’s just seeing him for the first time proper and all the cruel shit he’s saying/doing is very much in-character for him when he’s not always stoned, but thanks to therapy I have the words and stuff to communicate all that abusive shit to her now; I love him but I hate him but we’ll touch on that xD). He’s had three amputations so far and he’s developed osteomyelitis (bone infection) so he’s been doing 2hr ‘dives’ in the Hyperbaric chamber every other day to fight it up to 10 dives. I’m told its $200,000 treatment which their new health insurance is fully paying for cuz one surgery already hit the $20,000 premium (don’t even get me started on THAT fight I had to do to get them signed up so we’d still have a place to live- they don’t ‘believe’ in insurance cuz they dont know shit... lawsuits are still pending and will be for the next 2-3yrs i expect). So... yeah. Mom has stepped up with a lot of stuff and she’s better educated on it all too thank fuck.

Thank fuck for therapy

The entire time dad’s stuff has been taking place, I’ve been attempting therapy, which was never explained to me properly/offered of ‘why am i here’ sort of thing, soooo about 4months (5-6 sessions of 30min therapy) turned out to be a COMPLETE waste of time. I’m on mediCal and the clinic they assigned me to only deals with mild-moderate trauma and can only see me for max. of six months when most patients make an improvement. Asking the therapist when we’d actually get to the trauma and triggers and all the other shit I’ve been pursuing therapy for two years over resulted in some clarity and I’ve been putting off making the phone call X_X My therapist only deals with singular trauma, and she said I have complex/multiple trauma with PTSD, and there’s no possible way (in my opinion and hers as well) I’d get any modicum of ‘better’ in six months cuz I’m too damaged, so like... that’s fun to know. I’ve been living in denial about my quality of life for decades and hearing it from a professional has considerably destroyed my sense of self (as it should tbh cuz these rose colored glasses are made of broken bottles LOL). Everything about myself revolves around survival tactics so I’m kind of floundering about living in lies (cuz coming to terms with trauma you’ve convinced yourself doesn’t actually bother you too much will do that, and ‘fawning’ is apparently one of the flight/fight responses and hardcore how i’ve lived these past decades) sooooo that’s what I’m dealing with and it’s super painful to come to terms with. If you’ve ever had to eat fast-food ketchup packets cuz you’re so hungry as a child and there’s nothing else you can have and they’re free, WELP then you might have a very very small window of what my quality of life has been like (: and me and my sister just thought we were fat kids for always being hungry constantly LOL

Also thank fuck for brain medication

On the good news end, I’ve officially been medicated just over 2months for my adhd :D I’m on atomoxetine (strattera) and it’s COMPLETELY gotten rid of my executive dysfunction, I can get up in the morning regardless of how much sleep I’ve gotten, and I have much more energy and motivation to do stuff :) My medication isn’t a stimulant but works on the adrenal glands (which I suspected from various other body ailments might be the source of a LOT of my problems-- especially the chronic fatigue- and if the meds took them away, then I was right, and they did, so.... adrenal gland fixer yay!) and anyways it’s improved life a lot. It gives me goosebumps sometimes too which is funny but I’m real happy with it. If anyone has any questions, I’ve always been a loud mouth irl about my disorders in order to be visible and unashamed for others, and I’ve helped a lot of peers irl with mental bullshit and I’m always willing to pay it forward! :)

The doom and gloom stuff xD

I’m trying to get back into writing. Desperately. I spend time at night writing a couple of sentences when it’s quiet, but then I usually pass out in five minutes cuz tbh I don’t really sleep anymore and I haven’t since dad’s accident so progress on my creative endeavors is going very very slow. Lord knows I have the fucking time rn. I’ve been getting one shift a week at work since June cuz there’s NO hours, so I’m freaking out about money (i’m probably gonna open commissions again), and my life, and my age, and how I’ll never get out of fucking debt at this rate, and how I’m so fucking mentally fucked cuz I can’t do two/three jobs with my fucking adhd and shit, and I want to move out but I can’t live with other people cuz of the aforementioned trauma/distrust and it’s not like anywhere is affordable anyways in this hell country soooo. Yeah. I’m at the point of taking out balance transfers from credit cards to deposit cash into my bank account cuz i can’t fucking survive otherwise and I guess I’ll figure that out next month. I joke around but are any of you an escort/have you done that kind of work before/could I ask questions? >_> I need options. If I could sell an organ for about $25k i’d just do that but i AM desperate and I’m open to any and all suggestions for quick cash no matter how demeaning. Can’t demean someone who’s used to it all their life! :D Real talk tho i’m not kidding, if anyone could point me to some resources, DM me :|

So yeah that’s what’s up in a nutshell. Really REALLY wanna write and finish some shit... existential dread and basic survival is getting in the way of that. Bear with me though, it’s been a very very tough year but nothing has been abandoned and I’m definitely around. Just rarely have the spoons to do shit :D

[freebooter4ever]

Hello I just finished the Pacific and I'm dying. So it's time for me to delve into the fandom and try and fulfil my poor sledgefu heart. Have any recommendations on who's blog to look at or tags? Other than yourself because I most certainly will spend a solid 5 hours going through your tags. I've already seen a lot of your art and I think it's beautiful, just an FYI.

Oh boy do I ever have recs! It was only about a year ago that I was new to the fandom myself and slowly going through @aboutthatmelancholystorm and @persipneiwrites tumblr sledgefu tags every night, reading all of it, and being totally sucked in! ^_^ (I especially suggest Persipnei’s 3:16 AU where Sledge and Snafu are rock stars!) As for art, I think the biggest collection I know of is the blog @marines-r-gay. Some of my favorite sledgefu artist blogs include @skelesocks (Ace Eugene will hold a special place in my heart forever!) @badgerms and my old favorite the-heebiejeebies who sadly disappeared and deleted their blog :( but you can still find their old art in my ‘sledgefu’ tag on my blog like here. There’s no really ‘exculsively’ sledgefu artists out there right now, but there is a LOT of amazing older stuff to be found mixed into people’s blogs! My own art/writing sledgefu masterlist can be found here.

More specific fanfic recs under the cut! I’m focusing on oldies, because I think it’s fairly easy to find the newer ones on AO3 that are still being updated ^_^

Not Quite Home by Seabright - A fix it fic that really fixes things. Post war set in New Orleans with Eugene showing up on Snafu’s doorstep. Snafu is cantankerous and very in character and he /claims/ he can’t ‘fix’ Sledge, but let’s face it that’s why they need to fix each other. Snafu has a lot of walls up and Eugene breaks all of them down in his steadfast way. This fic captures Snafu perfectly - even in little things like in the way he fidgets and moves. Also the last kiss is just...SO good.

Canon Compliant

Roadverse by Seabright - There are a few authors exclusively on AO3 that like...if you haven’t read their entire sledgefu collection yet, you gotta! Seabright is one of them. Roadverse is set after the war and Snafu takes Eugene on a roadtrip to Florida, there’s a lot of introspection, they fall in love, definitely a happy ending! The writing here is what really shines.

After The Happy Ending by Handdaddyhoosier - Another author it’s worth reading their entire sledgefu collection. This one is also set after the war and is more domestic. A lot of fluff, a lot of slice of life, a lot of Sledge and Snafu dealing with homophobia and overcoming it (!!). Through it all Snafu and Eugene remain sooooo much in love that they’re stronger together and...yeah...it’s good. 

Christmas Even Will Find Me by SOMETHINREAL - My favorite canon compliant Sledgefu Christmas fic! It’s just perfect! Everybody is all together again after the war for Christmas and Eugene and Snafu are playing their own little dance between each other in the corner...they’re adorable. Plus there’s a happy ending!

Maybe You’ll Think Of Me When You’re All Alone by SOMETHINREAL - A very very good fix it fic for after the war. They’re both broken but they’re together and falling in love all over again, yay! I live for first pining and emotional kiss scenes and this is one of the best!

These Foolish Things Remind Me of You by Spoondragon - Merriell is quirky and weird and collects things and his last line in the fic is gOLD. Basically them being cute, with a first kiss. I highly rec ALL of spoondragon’s sledgefu fics!

To Make Much of Time by Hueligan - FIX THE TRAIN SCENE. I will read almost any variation of that train scene where Snafu makes it right, and this one does! AND THEN RUINS IT. So fair warning, you will fall in love with this fic but then it will break your heart. Kinda like Snafu. But it’s ok cause then you can go read one of the OTHER many fix it fics and mend it again.

Tilled Earth by Killerqueenie - Okay, this is one of my absolute FAVORITES. Snafu finds Eugene playing farmer boy in a small town outside of Mobile ten years after the war and Snafu signs himself on as a ranch hand. This one ACTUALLY fixes the train scene. Eugene is prickly and untrusting and Snafu has to earn his right to waltz back into his life. And oh gosh the love each other so so much!

The Magic Helmet by jspringsteen - Cute adorable and totally in character, canon compliant and not actually sledgefu except for some delightful hints that they are into each other more than they let on. It’s just such a great moment for Snafu’s character that I’ve reread this on multiple occasions.

All You Got by ssstrychnine - Another fix it fic (I know, I love these). This follows canon so well it’s seamless and only adds subtle touches of love between Gene and Snafu - so very believable as a part of the actual show. This author has four fics on AO3 for sledgefu and I suggest reading them all!

The Jazz Lights of New Orleans by Gracefully - Yet ANOTHER fix it fic! Give me them all!!! 

AU

Like It’s Only You And Me by SJTrinity - Snafu is an artist in this so of course I’m going to biased, but this is one of my absolute favorite college AU’s. All our favorite characters are there, including Bill, Burgie, Andy, and Eddie (and even Pops! as a fatherly figure to Snafu though he’s only referenced). Snafu is as chaotic as ever. The romance is hot! There are parts where I almost bust a gut laughing. Also anytime Eugene gets all haughty and bossy with his little furrowed brow over Snafu that’s like A+ for me.

Learning Curve by Seabright - ok THIS fic defines ultimate pining over Gene for me. I have never related to Snafu more. There’s a description of Eugene swimming in a pool that just..yeah...I have feelings. Anyway, it’s a college AU that is tragically UNFINISHED and will rip your heart out, BUT the same author also has a whole bunch of more canon related fic where the two of them do get together, so that eases the sting a little. 

F.M.L by @badgerms - I maybe have a thing for swimmers, but I love this swimming college AU especially because it’s in Gene’s POV but done so well that it feels real. This fic also delves into mental illness and mental self flagellation (there are some moments that hit REAL hard if you’ve ever had eating disorders). But on top of all that, I feel like lollki really captured what is so magnetic about Snafu, and by having Gene put him on this impossible pedestal it kinda reflects what a lot of us in the fandom do with his character. Snafu makes his existence look effortless and thoughtless, Gene is incredibly jealous of how Snafu just lives, their competition is ENTHRALLING.

The Kind Of Stuff That Only Prince Would Sing About  by @stolperzunge A coffee shop AU that has Sledge and Snafu just slowly and sweetly falling in love. This one is from Snaf’s pov and since I identify with him more you know I’m gonna love it lol! There are some GREAT funny lines, Snafu has personality in spades. Eugene is a grandad hipster type who also writes erotica....I dunno it’s all amazing go read it.

There Will Be Better Days by SydneyCarton - High school AU. As someone who had a fairly shitty high school experience and many bad holidays, this is...cathartic. Gene is definitely more the caretaker here, he saves Snafu in a way that’s just as strong as when he picked him up on the battlefield. But it’s all emotional, and Snafu is this scared prickly kid. And Gene is the honor roll kid who has to play the role of best friend secretly in love with the one person who matters most to them. This author never wrote anything else for Sledgefu and I wish they had!

Okay, that’s a whole bunch! There’s even more in my aO3 bookmarks! This list is just me going through my bookmarks and selecting the ones that I especially remembered and is by no means exhaustive of all my favorites in this fandom. Joining the Pacific train late means there’s a whole lot to choose from and explore...but it also means the list of active blogs is short and not a lot of new content gets posted every day :( I think the Sledgefu community is still going pretty strong, though! Welcome!