#i'm much better now as i'm not depressed anymore and although anxiety is something i think i will always have

[rainparadefromhell]

had a really bad anxiety attack earlier today then it went away and i was fine and now i've gone back to feeling anxious and i'm trying to calm myself down.

anxiety is the worst feeling in the world and for me when i feel like there was no trigger or if the trigger was subconscious, it's exceptionally cruel. you just end up wanting so desperately to blame it on something and not feel crazy bc your brain is acting up and can't process stress.

my heart goes out to everyone struggling with this shit, no one knows how painful it is especially if it's severe. i'm really passionate abt this bc i've struggled/still struggle so much and i want this to be a place where ppl with similar experiences can feel understood and seen. a lot of ppl are not understanding bc they can't imagine how we feel. you do not need to just "get over it". it's not how it works.

pls remember you are also not your anxiety, even if it takes up so much of your life.

you're not broken. you're not less than. you're not a burden.

take care of yourselves ♥

[itoshiexx]

scraps

synopsis: you give him all you have. it's time to collect the scraps before there is nothing left.

pairing: itoshi sae x gn!reader | words: 797 | warnings: established relationship, angst

notes: do u guys remember the sae drabble i told y'all about some time ago? well, my depressive ass decided to post it now. i'm sorry in advance.

masterlist

the silence is deafening. it lingers thick and heavy in the air, nearly making you choke on nothing — or perhaps you’re choking on all the things you want to say that are stuck in your throat. you can feel your whole body trembling as the anxiety creeps further in, and you wrap your arms around yourself to try and bring some comfort. 

before, it was someone else’s arms that gave you peace, but lately, it has only been torment. 

it is why you’re standing in the living room of your shared apartment, staring at the teal eyes of itoshi sae while trying to hold back your own tears. it hurts. it hurts to look at him and remember the way he used one of your weaknesses against you in the argument you had minutes before, as if stabbing a wound that didn’t quite close properly, tearing the skin at the seams and turning it into a bigger, uglier, messier scar. 

you feel violated. 

perhaps you should have known better. maybe, if you listened to your mother, you wouldn’t have shown so much of yourself to sae, basking in a vulnerability that could only come back to bite you in the end. you gave him all the tools to hurt you where it stings most, and there was no one to blame but yourself for that. 

love made you foolish. you were tired. 

“i don’t think i can do this anymore, sae.” your voice is meek and hollow. only a shell of the person you used to be — the one that bled through its heart until all the life was drained. 

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he asks, brow arched. defensive. ready to hurt you some more in case he became slightly uncomfortable. 

you breathe. in and out. in and out. rubbing your arm with your own hand, whispering to yourself under your breath that everything was going to be alright. even if it felt like nothing but that. 

“you… you’re hurting me, sae,” you manage to say with the lump in your throat. “you have been for a while. and i try to be better, but i… i can’t do this alone. and you’re not even trying.”

the tears welled up in your lash line start to fall again, and at this point, you know it’s useless to try and stop them. you also know they are the only thing that keep you sane, even if it feels like you’re losing your mind at every breath you take. 

sae doesn’t say anything, and you actually consider that a blessing. you don’t know how much more of his venomous words you can take before it destroys you completely from the inside out. something tells you his toxin has been spreading through your body for a while, although you only started to notice recently, when the fights got worse.

how long has he been killing you?

the weight of this question is enough to spike your anxiety once again, and you dig your nails on the skin of your arms to try to detain these overwhelming feelings, squeezing your eyes shut.

you nearly jump when you feel his strong arms circling your shoulders, bringing your head to his chest. you squirm and try to fight it — fight him —, but sae is stronger and more stubborn than you could ever be, and all you can do is cry harder and blow weak punches to his torso. 

“i’m sorry,” he says. it’s not the first time. the words make your stupid heart flutter with hope, but the hurt brings you back to reality. it’s not the first time, and he has done nothing to change for the better. he never fucking listens.

“you’re so mean,” you cry, ceasing the punches due to your lack of strength. you can barely keep standing, and you’re sure that his hold is the only thing keeping you from falling. “why are you so mean to me, sae?”

he’s silent again. you keep going. “i gave you my everything. i loved you with all i had. i-i opened up to you like never before, and you… you just…”

your stomach sinks. there aren’t even words to express what you’re feeling nor what he’s doing to you — the many ways he has been destroying what you spent years trying to put back together.

you were tired. 

in a final attempt to save what’s left of you, you raise your head from his chest to look deep into his aquamarine eyes. you want him to look at yours, too. 

“sae,” your voice is nothing more than a hollow whisper. you take a deep breath, garning all the strength and courage you can.

and then, you plea for the last time:

“please, give back what’s left of my heart.”

© 2023 itoshiexx. do not plagarise, translate, or repost any of my work on here or other sites.

[steveisagay]

How to fix the damage

Disabled munver

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 6.5 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Disabled Munver has taken over my life and I decided to write. I'm gonna do my best to do multiple parts and all of that happy bullshit.

Warnings: self-deprication, internalized homophobia, suicidal thoughts (you blink you miss it), not proof read so I have no idea what else

He couldn't even comprehend how much his life was falling apart, but he knew for sure it already did. Jason was dead one minute and waking up in the hospital the next. His girlfriend was murdered, but instead of it being the metalhead he was tracking down it was some other vessel apparently. He was in the hospital which sure sucked. But what was the worst was the fact that he was now paralyzed from the waist down. His parents told him that he was 'blessed' and how 'lucky he was to get out with such a small injury' but how was this small?

He lost everything, he couldn't play basketball, he lost a full ride scholarship, and he couldn't even go to the bathroom by himself. It did get slightly worse though, because Eddie was also in his hospital room. He wasn't visiting, his injuries were too bad for him to get off that easily, the two boys had to share the room. He would've thrown a fit about it if Eddie hadn't been so honest about the upside down and what happened to Chrissy. He also maybe was a kinda good storyteller.

His kids, well not his kids but the ones that visited, were somewhat nice. Although he had a feeling that the curly haired one didn't like him at all, and he knew for sure Lucas didn't forgive him for getting in his way. Jason could never forgive himself for all of everything that happened. It had to be his fault that it started, Chrissy started to grow distant and he should've said something but he didn't want to drive her away. Maybe it really was all his fault. Maybe he was being punished by God, for being a somewhat shitty boyfriend, for being...

That part wasn't true, he wasn't one of them. He wasn't like Eddie or, apparently, Billy. He dated Chrissy, he loved Chrissy. He'd be lying if he didn't say that Eddie was nice, and funny, and amazing with kids. Jason's parents asked him if he needed his own room but after hearing about the Upside Down and hearing how Eddie fought those bats he didn't want to leave. Eddie knew what he was doing incase something else happened and he couldn't really defend himself, you know, with his legs. Hell it'd be better if they just got ripped off, instead of him being ripped in half.

His stitches hurt like hell most days, but atleast he could still feel that area. With how stressed he was recently he didn't even know if he could, well, get off, properly. Everything always ached and himself and his parents refused to have him put on a morphine drip, so instead he was on 15 different medications. He wasn't allowed to keep any of his medicine on him while in the hospital per his therapist's request.

Jason had been going to physical therapy as well as normal therapy. His regular therapist, Dr. Linda, said that he had signs of depression, PTSD and anxiety. She also said that he should try to be less cynical. He wanted to say that she should try to be less optimistic. Most of their sessions were talking about his childhood, getting ripped in half, his (former) girlfriend, faith. Physical therapy was different though, it never helped the way he saw it. If it was really helping then he would have been able to walk by now.

The only thing that really kept him from hiding all of his pills everyday was Eddie, mostly. The only thing that kept him from clawing his skin until he couldn't anymore. He was always so bright whenever he got visitors, but Jason saw how exhausted he looked when everyone was gone. Jason and Eddie got closer than they would have ever guessed before all of this. Eddie saw Jason crying and unable to do almost anything without someone else, and Jason saw Eddie drained from a whole day of putting on a fake face.

A little while Jason's parents stopped showing up, and a little bit after that he learned that they left again. It didn't really hurt, it was just how it was, sure his parents were affectionate but that's just when they were home. His dad was a businessman and of course that was what he was supposed to be but... Nevermind it was stupid.

Jason was supposed to be sleeping, and if it wasn't for the lulling sound of Eddie's snores and the air being forced into his lungs he would've kept worrying. Jason had been worrying all of his life, but maybe he was fine getting some rest. It's not like his medication gave him any choice.

[awaybacktothen]

Today is the last day of my 20s. I've wasted the first eight years on depression and anxiety, and long covid stole the last two and my life as a whole from me. My queue finally ran out a month or two ago after two years, since it's not like I was actually to be able on here, after being here all day every day for ten years. So I guess this is it.

I am utterly and completely exhausted every second of every day, in pain all over my body every second of every day. I don't remember what it's like to feel any sort of rest anymore. I can't move my head a millimeter without feeling dizzy and. My body feels heavy, so heavy, even though I'd actually lost 25kg and I'm not overweight for the first time since high school. I live in a dark room full time and I spend half the day with white noise on cause I can't tolerate the sounds my parents make just living their life in their own apartment, cooking, cleaning etc

I'm deteriorating with every month and there's no way for me to know when the day comes that I'm fully bedridden, fully unable to tolerate any light or sound, fully unable to stand on my feet.

I've watched one movie and two tv show seasons in the last two years as I'm no longer able to watch things, to handle the light and movement, to easily process what I'm seeing and hearing. The last thing I watched was about a year ago and by then I was already struggling to follow the plot, properly process what I was seeing and hearing.

I just can't believe everybody gets to live their life as if nothing ever happened and I'm left severely disabled and will never get to live anything remotely similar to a normal life. I left the house once this year. Everybody's just living, at the very least watching shows and playing games and I can't even do that. I will never go to on a vacation or to a concert or to theatre again and that breaks my heart into a million pieces

Pride month is on, such fun, I'll spend it in bed, alone, for the rest of my life. Hey anybody know of anyone who wants to date me while I can't leave the house and I can't move my limbs much? No? Long covid made me lose every close friend, any chance at having a job, dating, living without assistance. I will now forever be living with my parents, unable to even take care of my room or myself.

I always thought I would one day be on social media a lot less and watch fewer shows and movies because I finally got a life. It never even crossed my mind that I would stop doing all that stuff because any life I had would be taken away from me by an illness.

You just never know if something's gonna happen out of nowhere and ruin your life forever, with no way of things ever getting better, with no way of getting better. You're always hearing about people's lives being ruined by severe illness or accidents. You never expect it to happen to you. I had a 'cold' and now I have brain and heart damage among dozen other things and will never get to do anything besides sit in my room too exhausted and too braindead to do anything. My life is one cruel fucking joke. Do you know what it's like to live knowing this is what your life is always going to be like? Do you know what it's like to mourn your life while still being alive? It's torture.

I cherish every friendship I made on here and I'm incredibly sad I'm not able to continue them. I miss you all. I'll probably pop up here once or twice a year for eurovision or tonys or something (although I don't know a single thing about the nominations this year, not even their names) if I'm at all able to

❤️

[groovytimes]

Oh it's so nice to find someone who loves the Sopranos, not many people on this site know it unfortunately..can you talk about the things you loved? Favourite season, episode, character/actor? What you thought of the ending and where the characters ended up?

Aw sweet! Glad to hear from someone who also loved the show. I rarely get anons to discuss film or tv series, so you've just made my day!

Full disclosure, I haven't finished it yet. I'm still six episodes away, but I already know mostly how it's going to end; I watched the last few minutes of the finale when it aired back in 2007. And yes, people did talk about it in my high school the next day and I was glad I tuned in for that. I didn't watch the show then because I was too young and not interested, but I lived in New Jersey around that time and the show and its huge success was something the state and the city I lived in was proud of (and you would hear sometimes about them shooting a scene somewhere near). I liked the ending then and now; Tony’s luck was going to run out one day, and we didn't need to see it. No one can cause that much carnage and destruction and get away with it, even he knew it from the day of his first panic attack. The people who didn't like it obviously weren't paying attention to the brilliant writing and James Gandolfini's masterful acting skills (rest in peace, king).

I love how Tony is obviously a morally flawed human being and is affected by his actions. He's not someone we should cheer for, but we silently hope for him because we want him to be the good man he has shown he can be (look how loyal he is to his family, even to his mother and uncle, for better and worse). Take his depression, anxiety and the intergenerational trauma; his mind and body can barely take it anymore, and although his sessions with Dr. Melfi do work, he is doomed to the life he was born into. It's a tragedy, in some ways. He is the definite definition of the word anti-hero. Even Carmela, whom I love, knows exactly what her husband is up to and how the glamorous lifestyle she loves is achieved and she wilfully turns a blind eye until it literally comes into her home, the only place in the world she has any real say and control (the breakup in season 4 and 5 have some of my favorite episodes). And his fellow goons who are part of that notorious subculture are pretty clear that they love the goodies the life of all that crime gets for them, conscience be damned.

My favorite characters are Tony, Carmela, Dr. Melfi, Johnny Sack, Corrado Soprano, and sometimes Paulie when he's not being a full blown sociopath. These characters are fully written and fleshed out, your favorite skips from the episodes you watch (like one week, Adriana is my fave, the next Bobby, etc.). The success of this show is because of how these characters were written with their motivations and intent made subtly clear, and we get to see how it ruins their lives. No one gets a happily ever after here.

Favorite seasons are the first (talk about starting with a bang!) and the third, and so far the 5th. Maybe the sixth when I finish it, but I also liked the episodes when Tony and Carmela were separated, because I seriously wanted that for her.

Sorry for the long and rambling response, but this was such a treat for me and I hope some parts make sense. Thank you!

[the---hermit]

Hi :> I'm following your blog since before you started your thesis and now you are at the finish line i'm feeling so proud of you, even if we do not know each other °=° I wish the best from life, the best for you!

I wish for me the same strength i'm seeing in you, for overcome the fear i bear for life, for the unknow.

May I seek an advice from you: where would you start to rebuild your life after so many years of freezing depression? How to justify the time I lost to others?

Sorry for the sad conclusion, thank you for sharing your experiences, your constant improvement and for your blog.

p.s. sorry for the broken english, definitely not a fluent speaker or writer here :p

Have the most delight day (or evening)!

Hello anon! This is one of the sweetest things I ever got in my inbox, thank you for putting a big smile on my face and supporting me 💜. Do not worry for your English, it's not my first language either and I make more mistakes thank I'd like to admit.

Do not apologize for asking help to recover from depression, it's brave of you do reach to someone, and I really hope I can provide even the tiniest bit help. You are hitting close to home with your questions, I have been struggling with anxiety and panic as well as depression since I was in high school, and although I am much better than I was before I know it's a long process to get your life back. Small steps, that is the way I have learned to approach everything. Small little things, focus on one thing, and if it doesn't wrok right away give that time. Whatever you do do not blame yourself, insted do your best to focus all your energy on the small things that went well. Reflection on the bad parts of life is fundamental in my opinion but that has to be done when you are in the right headspace so that it won't send you spirling down even more. One thing that helped me a lot is at the end of the day no matter how bad it was to find at least one thing I am grateful for. That can even be I took a few minutes to listen to my favourite song, anything, but take a few minutes of your day to focus on that, I'd recommend writing in down so you keep yourself accountable. I have been doing this everyday for the past three or four years I think and it has slowly changed my prospective on a lot of stuff. Sometimes it will come natural, others you'll have to force yourself, but try it. Also be proud of yourself for the small things you accomplish everyday, even if that's just taking a shower, or going out to get groceries. That is a lot of effort when depression is pulling you down, so be proud of yourself for doing that, and maybe keep track of that as well, one thing a day everyday. As for the time lost to others, this one is a struggle, I know it personally, but you know what my friend? You cannot turn back time. I am still learning that letting go of people and accepting not having them in your life anymore, even if it was good to let go of them sometimes, is a long journey made of a lot of steps. You'll be angry, you'll be sad, you'll learn to accept it. Whatever you do do not let nostalgia fool you, ever, nostalgia is a bitch that never shows you the full picture. I have learned that accepting time lost to others is made of accepting that no matter how much that hurt you those experiences made you who you are in the bad and good, that will make you furious and grateful at the same time, which is not easy to deal with. But at the end of the day it's part of your history and you can't go back in time, it's just there in your past. Try to work all the good and bad feelings as soon as they come to you, keep a journal pour everything out, do not for the love of the gods repress feelings surrounding this topic. By experience it's something that will haunt you anyway so do not give it more power than it already has. You can only go forward, you are not your old self anymore, which is good cause you won't get hurt anymore in the same way. You have always control over one thing in life and that is how to react to things, take a deep breath and choose how you want to use that small bit of control you have.

In general first steps are the hardest all of the time, you will be scared and tired, cause that's what depression does to you, but with small steps you'll get control back. You can do it, I believe in you, amd when you'll find youself in one of those days that are hard and scary let yourself just flow gice yourself a break. Sometimes you fight sometimes you can't and that is okay, as I said small steps. If I can be of any help or support I am here, and know that I have your back. Be kind to yourself you've been through a lot and you deserve that. One of the biggest challenges for me over the years has been allowing myself to be, to feel, and to put my wellbeing first. Very hard to learn, still not a pro at it, but at the end of each day I know I am the one person that no matter what will always have my own back and that gives me hope.

I really really hope I was of some help, as I said I am always here if you need support, good luck with your journey, try to see it as a new exciting beginning even if it's scary sometimes. Thank you again for your support, your words really brightened my day💜🌿. This also felt like writing a letter to my younger self in some ways so thak you for that cause in a way I did a bit of work on myself too. I forgot to mention whatever you do do not let depression and loss define you those are parts of your history not of who you are.

[the-greenery420]

1 Week of THCA with Huntington's Disease

So I've been a stoner for a long time, but primarily was smoking marijuana which is illegal here, luckily with more recent advancements with cannabis and legislature we have options here that are now just as effective. I was curious what would happen if I switched to pure THCA bud because the reason I smoke and have been smoking marijuana on and off since I was 8 was because at the time my dad said it would help with my ADHD (it did as well as my depression although I REALLY don't recommend giving it to an 8 year old lol, my dad was not exactly a "think things through" type of person though).

Over the years the constant fear that I'd get busted and sent to the pen for a completely non-violent "crime" really was hard on my mental health, and even though cannabis provided me with tremendous benefits, it was hard for me to enjoy the benefits with all the fear and anxiety from the possibility of getting locked up like a lot of my friends.

When CBD and Delta 8 got so big, I did experiment with Delta 8 but I felt like even though there was a benefit it wasn't quite "hitting the spot" where I needed to be to stop my tremors which have been getting worse from my neurodegenerative disease, I used it quite a bit at night to put me to sleep (especially edibles), and it did help more than not taking any form of THC but, I definitely needed something else.

I didn't want to take the reeeeeally synthetic forms of THC that they came out with just because I had experiences with K2 with my dad and was weary about anything blatantly synthetic (mainly because I can't know if there's going to be side-effects eventually), so I just stuck with Delta 8 even though it's a concentrate / isolate and you really have to check that the companies test them to make sure the solvents are gone.

I stumbled across THCA bud in the local headshop before it closed down recently, but it was 35$ for 7 grams so I figured I could find a better selection for cheaper online like I do with my kratom. I came across a distributor called JKDistro, and they have 1oz smalls for 50$ sometimes, best investment I ever made. Now I'm smoking in the morning and then some at night to wind down and within 1 week I've seen drastic improvements in basically every aspect of my life.

I'm not joking, it's as good as OG cannabis but now the fact I'm not always fearing the cops makes it so much easier to enjoy it. I like that I can go out on my porch and spark up a joint too since JK sends me a card to carry each time I get some bud from them so if I got stopped cops would know it's legal. Cops don't really care here anymore so much because of progress in legislation but it really helps me feel better.

Some of the biggest benefits I noticed from dosing in the morning and at night:

Sleep Quality

For people with Early Onset Dementia from diseases like mine, our brains can't shut down and typically we have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep. I got to where I was only getting about 1-3 hours of sleep a night if at all before I started dosing like I am now. The first few days I literally slept (3 days nearly straight) and it was really nice because I know my body desperately needed the rest to heal. Now I'm sleeping 6-8 hours a night and that's literally amazing because I'm waking up feeling way better. A bit groggy sometimes if I smoke a bit too much or take too much cannabutter but, overall much better than I was feeling before.

Anxiety

Crazy enough I have an interview on Wednesday for a job in sales, funny thing is I HATE talking to people, especially on the phone. Once I started the THCA regimen I've gotten so much more talkative, relaxed, and social than I was. I am diagnosed with ASD, and the main way mine significantly limits me is communication and being anxious around strangers. It's amazing that I was able to get an interview and now I'm about to go back into the workforce for the first time in 12 years.

Depression

I have a big issue with getting really depressed (which apparently is very common among Alzheimer's and HD patients). Since I've been on the regimen, I've been a lot happier, more relaxed, less irritable. It's been really nice and I've felt myself smile a lot more. I know I'm a lot more pleasant to be around and I've not been near as emotional as usual.

Anger / Emotional Regulation

Once again, I have a real issue with emotional regulation. I think a lot of that goes back to ASD but then the HD doesn't help at all. I've been a lot more chill and more pleasant to be around. Not as irritable / fussy, and able to interact with people more patiently. I get frustrated usually pretty easily but I've been able to be more chill than usual which is nice. I'm also not "all over the place" as much, my mood swings are a lot better.

Pain / Inflammation / Soreness

I have a lot of issues with inflammation. On every test I get (blood test) it always shows my inflammation levels to be very high due to my body being full of a toxic protein called Huntingtin. This also causes pain in my joints sometimes and because my muscles are slowly deteriorating some they are sore a lot and I have to constantly work them out a lot to not lose muscle. I'm not in near as much pain as I was before I started up the THCA, which is huge because it's been freezing here and usually I can't get out of bed when it's this cold. My muscles aren't near as sore and I'm not near as stiff either.

Overall I feel like the THCA is doing me a lot of good, I'm excited to see where I am in a month or even a year. I have found it very useful for me. If y'all want to check out JKDistro and see if you can find something you like that would help you, you can use my link and get 20% off your purchase. They have great deals, and VERY good quality stuff. I literally swear by them, and I've been smoking for a VERY long time. You can click here and it'll take you with the link for a discount! I hope it helps you like it helped me!

[diaryoftheunidropout]

DAY 237

Days pass and it seems shit doesn't get better. In fact, it might even get worse. Also, I love how I randomly remember this account.

First things first, my mom has been in the psych ward for a week now. It stops her ED from getting too out of hand, but the real problem is her body image issues. That's what's causing the ED and it REALLY doesn't feel like the ooddles of doctors, psychiatrists, therapists and so on at the hospital seem to realize, or care, somehow. They also prescribed her with new antidepressants which she's having an allergic reaction to, but they say it's "normal" and are going to increase the dose. I hate them. I hate them so much and that's why I'd never want to go to the psych ward. They do the bare fucking minimum like feeding you and cleaning your room which are things you often can't do yourself anymore when you end up there, but they don't actually help you get better so when you go back into the world you can look after yourself again. Maybe I'm too harsh on them, and I'm sorry.

For my part, things are really shitty. I haven't gotten out of bed in 6 days now. I have had a pretty bad cold for a week too, so that'll justify it. Seriously, the truth is I'm going through a really bad depressive episode. It started about a week after I quit my job (so around the 25th of September I guess) and it hasn't left me since (we're the 3 of November right now). Most of the times I got out of bed were because I was seeing my relatives (I spent a week at my grandparents's and at my mom's, I saw my godmother a couple of times). My uni "friends" have completely given up on me and have straight up stopped inviting me to all their little parties and hangouts. I decided I didn't want to celebrate my "uni best friend" 's birthday anymore and came up with an excuse. I'm really disappointed in them. Or maybe I'm disappointed in myself because I should have been the one trying to organize stuff with them. But when you know they've created a groupchat with just the three of them, for some reason, and that was about as soon as I dropped out, you know you're not really part of the team anymore. I wonder if when my "best friend" doesn't walk fast enough compared to the two other girls, they just leave her behind like they did when we hung out the 4 of us, except I'd always slow down and wait for my "best friend" so she wouldn't be alone. I wonder.

These past 6 days, I don't really know what I've been doing except binge watch the last 3 or 4 seasons of BoJack Horseman. I absolutely ADORED this show. It's beyond what words can express. I've also started to develop a strange interest for dolls, specially the new Monster High dolls and Rainbow High/Shadow High dolls. It's okay, I'm going through a little phase and it brings me some comfort. I've also started reading Macbeth since I'm seeing the play in London in December.

All I pray for is winning the lottery. Whenever I don't forget, I play. I usually don't win much, but I play and I pray. Because I don't see how else I could get out of the deep. Just thinking about getting a job makes me feel an even greater amount of crippling anxiety and depression than I already have to bear every day. I've sort of convinced myself I deserved to have this little miracle happen to me because with all the shit I've been through, there is no one that could save me, not even myself, not doctors, not family. All that could save me would be becoming a millionaire and never having to worry about finding a job and losing my freedom, all of that to barely earn anything anyway. If I were a millionaire I could finally be sure I'll always have a roof above my head.

Lately I've lost the will to do things. I don't wanna celebrate my birthday. What is there to celebrate? It's gotten so bad that, although for a few months getting ready to see BTR tour in Europe was my top one priority in life, it's something I can barely find interest in anymore. When I think I probably won't be able to afford doing the whole tour I think "whatever", even though a couple of weeks ago I would have cried at the mere thought of not doing the whole tour. Things are changing quick. I'm losing interest in everything, nothing gets me excited. The BTR side of Twitter is hella toxic, you'll get cancelled over anything by a bunch of hypocrites.

I'd like to go back to the gym but I don't have the money, nor the will anymore. I've been asking for social aids (which I have the right to) but they're not giving me anything.

I don't have much else to say. I hope next time I write here things are a little better. I doubt they'll be, but I hope, still.

See you later :)

"Mr Blue I told you that I loved you

Please believe me..."

[opal-eyed-girl]

where i'm at

whew it's been a stretchy minute since i've posted on here. so where am i at? not that anyone cares or asked. i'm still mentally ill, surprise surprise, still living with my mom and sister (unbearable), still a cat mom to four little kitties (although i don't think i've mentioned much of this before). i've been in a great, loving, caring, healthy relationship with a marvelous man for a year and a month next month! that's going greeeeeaaaattt despite the very regular, very normal bumps in the road that come with being in a relationship with another whole human being with thoughts and feelings of their own. i have no idea how people expect for things to go extremely 100% perfectly in relationships, honestly. it *should* feel like a fairytale, but come ON girly, you understand a good plot has a bit more to that, right? right? anyway, i am so in love. sooooo happy with him.

for those wondering i'm saturn, a 21y/o she/they boss kween pussy gwirl. i'm upset that i still live with my family because bf & i (oh yeah, i'm in a str8 relationship) wanna live together soon and it's just really uncomfortable living with my family because 1) money is very tight and i am expected to go DoorDash-ing to pay for my car payment (which i have accepted to do, but i don't have a job or steady income, and asking my dad [who abandoned my family years ago for some hussy from ohio]) for money isn't always easy. so like, i'm using the very little money i do have from both him and from leftover financial aid for college (i'm about to finish after this summer) to pay for my own gas so that i can drive and waste the gas so that i can make money, in which all of it will go to my mom for my car, the car which i will drive again and again to pay this bill. I'M HIGHLY CAFFEINATED RIGHT NOW.

so here i am, bf working job at my college, we're sharing a car, he's living with me, we're living with my mom and sister--OH WHOOPS I DIDN'T FINISH SAYING WHY I HATE LIVING HERE--2) every time i cook something my sister (she's seventeen y'all) peeps into the pot/pan and looks back at either me or bf to make us feel bad (istg she's manipulative but she's bad at it). she won't attempt to cook anything else other than instant ramen or mac n cheese, not even scrambled eggs (she used to make herself eggs tho, she's just fkn lazy), and i cook for me and my boyfriend, sometimes just me, sometimes just him, point is i cook and i use the groceries that EYEEE BUY WITH MEEYYYEEE MONEY (and bf's money bc he lives w me so he likes to help) and she just fkn acts like a starving alley cat every time i'm cooking. she'll like walk in and sigh, and "look through the cabinets" bitch pleeeaaaassseee, anyway whatever. seventeen years old and can't even make a breakfast taco, girl's about to get out of high school and wants a job just so that she can have money to buy anime shit. BRO FUCK THAT, she doesn't even properly take care of the big beautiful ass husky her friend gave her. the hallway is ALWAYS smelling like shit and i have to live w that. i have four (4) cats and my room doesn't even get that bad.

my mom and i can't even have a conversation anymore. we just argue and she's there comparing me to my dad when i call her out on her bullshit. like i'm the eldest daughter in a hispanic household with no father, divorced parents, no job, hardly any money at all, using what money i can for cat food and cat litter and gas and sometimes groceries if we really need them and the food stamps haven't come in... like perhaps i have it better than some people. perhaps i do. but it's still fucking bullshit dude.

genuinely, i am not trying to make anyone feel bad for me. this is MY tumblr, MY blog post, idowhatiwantwheniwanttomotherfucker. i have depression (thankfully this has not been triggered in a little while), i have general anxiety disorder (which, in my humble opinion, is leaning more towards high-functioning and gets triggered every day), and i have a terrible relationship with food, disordered eating habits, a warped view on my body/body dysmorphia, i have been clean from purging via laxatives for four years and it's a decision i have to make every single day not to let the things that trigger me to tempt me to touch them again, i have just switched therapists bc my first one never was able to help me with my body/food problems. i'm trying. like this is me TRYING. i've been through other things that i simply cannot mention that were traumatizing to me, my body.

i'm still alive though. and yes i do feel like getting out of my house with my boyfriend and my cats will help me a lot. he's saving for his own car, saving for an apartment, i'm getting a job once i finish this final class this summer, then we both will be saving, and i'm excited.

don't know why i threw all of this up but yeh this is where i'm at.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hello there! Could you perhaps give me an example of a fictional character who's INFJ 9w8? I can barely find anything online about it, and I'm trying to find something I can maybe relate to... So, if I did a correct job at typing myself, I'm definitely an Infj, however I'm currently having a hard time with my enneagram! My guess is that it's either 6w7 or 9w8, although I'm open to other options haha

So for the longest time ( almost 10 years! ) throughout my teenagehood, as many other users around here, I dealt with severe anxiety and mild depression. During that period I came across mbti and later enneagram, and by doing tests and studying, I typed myself as an 6w5. So time went by and I overcame my anxiety to minimum levels - to which I'm super proud of lol - by going to therapy, going out with friends even when I was afraid of socializing, and facing other fears. Right now I'm doing much, much better, and so I thought maybe instead of 6w5, I "turned" into a 6w7, less worried about worst case scenarios, less pessimistic, less anxious, more engaging and friendly to strangers, and the list goes on.

Without trying to make this question I to an essay, a few days ago I came across with "integration" and "desintegration", and was surprised to see that 9's who deal with great deal of stress can became a lot alike a 6 core. So now I'm super confused, because if I look at 9s characteristics, I'd say maybe 90% is very much like me, non confrontational, lazy, yada yada, however I don't see myself super tidy, moral composed, worried about other people's opinions (not anymore) as an wing 1 apparently would. I'm here, I'm trying to live my life the fullest while being down to earth and less worried about problems that don't even exist yet. Anyway, I don't expect you guys to give me an direct answer, as I assume that'd be a little tricky, but maybe guide me so I can more accurately type myself?

Thank you so much for your time!! ❤️

6s and 9s stress and grow into each other, yes. Over time, a 6 who matures becomes more 9ish -- calm and settled and relaxed with their decisions rather than over-thinking them, and a 9 can become more 6ish -- being anxious and second-guessing their decisions. It's why you can't assess yourself based on being anxious or on your behaviors, you have to look at the motivations and core preoccupations -- a 6 is concerned with trust, integrity, compassion for underdogs, needing support (and providing it for their family, friends, and the beliefs they hold), skepticism, and loyalty (being sincere and loyal to people, places, beliefs). 6s feel like the universe / God didn't give them a compass like it gave everyone else, so they are adrift in the world without it and unsure of where to put their trust, unsure of if they are capable of making the right decisions, and fearful of what might go wrong if they choose the wrong thing, which is why they second-guess their own decisions so much, seek external input ("what do you think I should do? do you like this haircut? would it look good on me? should I buy this stock? do you think this is a good purchase?"). 9s are way more chill, self-confident, relaxed, and unbothered with life. You can't confuse anxiety with 6 -- it's two separate things, 6s have very specific fears (being targeted, abandoned, manipulated, abused, or persecuted).

A 9 sounds more "you" if you relate heavily to it. And here is an INFJ 9w8. 9s passively accept what a 6 could not -- as in the case with Beverley, finding out she's dying and being "okay" with it.

[nicobaka]

CLEARING UP AND EXPLAINING SOME THINGS THAT PEOPLE TEND TO MISUNDERSTAND ABOUT GRAY, JUVIA, AND THEIR RELATIONSHIP

(warning: spoilers. It's also gonna be some LONG ass shit lmao. Sorry for typos in advance)

I heard a lot of people hating Gruvia for things that they misunderstood (or just straight-up dismiss/ignore) about the ship, and so I thought I'd clear up and explain some of those here because I just think all this hate towards the ship is unnecessary especially when most of their reasons of why they hate the ship aren't really valid or reasonable.. I mean, yeah, you can dislike and hate it all you want, we all have different preferences. But the level of hate Gruvia gets for reasons that are already proven false and untrue is just unbelievable. Like people saying Gray is somehow "controlled" by Juvia, or that Gray has "Stockholm syndrome" when Juvia never even tried to kidnap Gray... And worse is when people start to spread misinformation and slander the ship, spreading hate and negativity towards the ship for reasons that are again, proven to be untrue.

[ GRAY'S BIG TSUNDERE ASS ]

Gruvia is not one-sided, it's just that Gray's a big frickin Tsundere and that he refuses to show affection, so he may come off as cold to her sometimes. Although later on he realized that he should accept his feelings for Juvia rather than pushing her away and trying to run away from his own feelings before he regrets it, so now he has become less of a Tsundere and is trying to become a better person for her (but still a Tsundere lmao)

[ GRAY'S PAST AND CHILDHOOD TRAUMA ]

Gray does not dislike nor hate Juvia, even from the very beginning after they just met. Hell, even right after their fight in their first meeting. After their first actual meeting, Gray even helped her, saved her, made her happy, and even smiled with her. He wouldn't have done all that if he disliked her. He wouldn't have said he has no problem with Juvia joining the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't hang around with Juvia inside and even outside the guild if he disliked her. He wouldn't have worried and felt bad about her not passing the exam of he disliked her. He wouldn't have carried her running away from danger even though she already said she can run away by herself if he disliked her. He wouldn't have agreed to going out with Juvia, which clearly meant as a date to her, if he disliked her. He wouldn't have lived with her for half a year if he disliked her. He would have agreed with Juvia leaving him alone if he disliked her, but instead he hugged her, thanked her, and cried on her arms. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself for her safety if he disliked her.... I can go on and on for hours with this honestly. But the point is, he clearly doesn't dislike nor hate Juvia. He even said he's grateful for having Juvia always by his side.

It's just he didn't wanna get too attached to her. He has always thought ever since as a child that it's his responsibility / fault whenever someone he cares for dies. He blames himself for it, consciously or unconsciously, and puts the burden upon himself. He feels like whenever he gets too attached to someone, they would leave him and when that happens it'll be his fault. That's the reason why he seemed cold to her sometimes, it's that he doesn't wanna get too attached to her, afraid that she would just leave him like the others...

"I'm going to avenge my mother and father!"

"I wasn't... able to do anything..."

"It's your fault, Gray." (Lyon)

"It's my fault that Ul died 10 years ago"

"No matter how much time pass, it won't change the fact that it's my fault Ul's dead!"

"I lost both mother and daughter..."

Him trying to push Juvia away by being cold to her is most likely something he did unconsciously, since he himself wasn't really sure about his feelings for her and having the fear of loosing his loved ones before, at least when it was just starting. But as we already know, his attempt of trying to not get too attached to her wasn't successful. It didn't have any chance of being successful to begin with since the reason why he didn't want to get too attached to her and why he had developed the fear of loosing her in the first place is because he's already attached to her from the beginning. He was the one to save her, worries about her a lot, cares for her, protects her, and spends a lot of his time with her, which made him even more attached to her. Which explains his expression at that one recent official Gruvia art which some fans didn't like... He looks like he feels like he shouldn't fall in love with Juvia, but he really just can't help it.

And when it actually almost happened, when Juvia almost killed herself for him, it finally became clear to him what he feels about her, and he realized that it was stupid and cowardly for him to try and avoid Juvia and his very own feelings, because of his damned childhood trauma. He could've lost all the chances he had with her forever, with all those efforts she spent on him all be put in vain. And now that he realized this, that doesn't make the fear of loosing her disappear. It can't be erased just like that. But instead of avoiding, hiding, and keeping his feelings like before, he's trying to improve and be a better person for her that can protect her no matter what.

[ THE LOVE POTION THINGY IS NOT CANON ]

The episode about Juvia buying potions made her look bad for some fans. It was not in the Manga. It's not canon. The part where Lucy expected Natsu to confess (which was seen in the same episode) is canon, since it is from the Manga. But the part where Juvia buys love potion and uses it to try and get Gray is not in that chapter, nor is it in any chapter in the manga, meaning it's not canon and is an anime-only part. Well personally I found it quite funny, but some fans really hated Juvia on that one.

[ JUVIA IS NOT A YANDERE B*TCH ]

I saw a lot of people referring to Juvia as a "yandere" and portraying Juvia as such.. Juvia is NOT a yandere girl who will kill you if you reject her and shit. If anything, she's the opposite. She can NEVER hurt Gray. She'd rather kill herself than hurt Gray. When she thinks she's making Gray uncomfortable, she immediately apologizes. When she thought she disrespected Ul's death anniversary by saying it should be a happy day for Gray because it's their anniversary (she didn't know it was Ul's death anniversary at first), she felt very sorry and disappointed in herself. The reason she couldn't approach him at the start was because she didn't want to make him and his friends uncomfortable, and because she isn't used to socializing with other people (add the fight with Phantom Lord which caused the guild a lot of trouble, plus how people always disliked and pushed Juvia away). Basically, Juvia has, or at least had social anxiety. At first, she couldn't approach Gray because she was extremely nervous. Juvia also wasn't as bold as she is now towards Gray at the start, she was shy and was shown to even stutter a lot trying to express her thoughts to Gray and the guild members. Yeah, she becomes extremely mad when someone threatens Gray's life, but that's just like Natsu being mad when someone threatens to kill Lucy. Or Gray being mad when someone threatens Erza's life. Or Mira being mad when someone threatens her siblings lives.. But Juvia didn't even actually kill Meredy (the one who did threaten to kill Gray), but instead even became friends with her! A yandere would do the total opposite. I think that if Gray ever rejects her, she wouldn't even be mad at him, but would probably be very depressed and think a lot about what she did wrong.. She was even willing to give up on him in Tartaros Arc, when she had to kill Gray's father, she thought she doesn't deserve to love him anymore after what she did so she was willing to finally give up and leave him alone... When yanderes are the kind of people who'd go as far as to kill every other person close to you just so they can have you for themselves...

But Gray himself does not want her to leave. Even though he seems annoyed with how Juvia is clingy towards him and all that, in reality, he doesn't want her to leave. He hugs her and says "thank you" to Juvia for being the one to "kill" Silver, saving his father and finally letting his father rest in peace, so that Gray didn't have to kill his father himself. Silver himself wanted to die and even thanked Juvia for that so I don't really understand why people hate her because of it. And if Gray disliked or hated Juvia, he definitely would have agreed about her leaving him alone.

The main reason why Juvia acts like this is because she's trying to show her love for others that she wasn't able to show before, since she was always rejected, avoided, disliked, and even hated by others. She's always pushed away by others. So now that someone (Gray) didn't push her away and showed care for her, she didn't want to miss the opportunity of finally feeling loved and being able to share her love.

And Gray, together with the guild, accepted her. She wants to feel loved and accepted, so she's trying all her best to not be seen as someone gloomy or unlikable that others used to think she is. She does things that she thinks would make them happy, she does things that she thinks would make them accept her. But since she never really knew how to interact with other people before she joined the guild, and the people she used to be with were toxic as hell, she comes off as awkward sometimes. But she's growing, together with Gray and the guild, she's growing.

[ THE LOVE RIVAL" THING IS JUST FOR COMIC RELIEF AND WAS NEVER SERIOUS ]

She may say "Love Rival!!" when someone's getting close to Gray, but it's only put as comic relief and she was not actually serious about it. Even Lucy, the one whom she always calls her "rival", never took it seriously. If Lucy did, she would have never approached Gray ever again, or hated Juvia for it. If Juvia was really serious about her so called "threats", they would have kicked her out of the guild long ago. Plus, she may act like that, but in reality, she cares for and is willing to sacrifice for her friends, including Lucy. And Lucy herself knows that. Even Gray knows when she's just joking around and even called her out for joking at serious times.

It's sad that people say that they are concerned about Gray and Juvia "forcing" herself into him when they don't really actually think about and consider what Gray is actually feeling towards her.. Gray loves her, she loves Gray. Just let them be happy. Gray has lost too much, at least let him enjoy being with Juvia.

Anyways, I'M NOT FORCING YOU TO LIKE THE SHIP, WE ALL HAVE PREFERENCES. But I'm just trying to make you understand both characters, their relationship and development a little more. Well, this is mainly just from my perspective tho. Especially with all the hate this ship gets and how misunderstood both characters are and the things they do. And if you got to this part, thanks for reading all of this lmao this is my first time posting something like this in Tumblr, I hope it wasn't that confusing.

[babylooneytoonz]

I'm Coming Home, Baby

Summary: Y/N and John were childhood sweethearts (no Martha) and she has known the peaky blinders her whole life and they love her too but then John has to marry Esme and even though Tommy does feel bad he does it anyway. Y/n works in the betting house so they see eachother every day she acts like it doesn’t bother her but is obviously a bit distant with John who is still inlove with her but she is respectful of the marriage so when Michael comes in he has a crush on Y/N and kinda flirts with her and John gets jealous cause he will always love her. Then she is killed by the Italians and just people’s reactions.

Warnings: Heavy angst, character death.

Requested by : Anon

He was the first boy you ever befriended, shared your first kiss with. It happened on an old broken swing in the backyard of your house when you were only twelve.

You met John when he was thirteen. The memory was so fresh in your mind, even today, it made you feel like it was yesterday when you were hiding behind your mother, clutching the fabric of her skirt, your tiny little head poking out just to watch around, with your big (Y/E/C) eyes, when two boys rode into the plaza on a black horse. The older boy was probably 18, but your eye caught the eye of the younger one. You were so young; the concept of love was something you had not yet experienced. But now, if you thought about it, you loved that thirteen year old boy. Your love for him only evolved from wanting to have all his attention at all times, stealing his candies from his pockets, and playing skittles with him all day, to holding hands and walking by the river, stealing kisses when no one was looking.

There was a time when you two became so inseparable, you would spend hours together and you would spend your entire days with the Shelby family.

Then one day, you watched him leave, as the war was upon you all. There were tears, and you could hear hearts crack, the slow, horrid torture of sweethearts like you and John being separated, wives left alone as their husbands left them to go to war, mother's watched their sons leave. Polly had to hold you; tight against her chest for hours as you wept, after he had left, and you had no idea whether he would come back or not.

War changed you both. He witnessed so many atrocities , so much death and so much horror; the man that came back, his eyes had a holocaust, a deep rooted horror lurking within his irises. He would scream and thrash in his sleep, and no amount of pacifying could control him, except for you. But you had changed too by that time. You had lived without him for so long, you had lived with a constant worry and fear for so long, you had grown sombre and the fire that you possessed and the light in your eyes, that little twinkle, it was lost. You rarely spoke, when all you ever did once was talk. It was like you were now a walking, breathing corpse. Your heart still pumped blood, but that was all. You were a ruin, just like your lover. Things weren't the same anymore, thus, after war. No matter how hard you tried, John and you could not go back to what you used to be.

Although you the two of you weren't together, almost everyone knew that you belonged with each other. It was like you could understand what John wanted, even without him having to say it. Whenever John had a nightmare, you were the one holding him close, rocking him against your chest, while he clung on to you, hopeless and weak. You saw him at his worse, and so did he, many times, when the two of you fought, and you ended up breaking down.

All this love, all this pain, but you found comfort in your empty bed to think that John still loved you, it was the only blanket that gave warmth to your heart. However, one day, someone pulled that blanket off you, and the betrayal you felt shattered your soul.

You found out that Tommy had fixed John's wedding with one of the Lee's, Esme.

You didn't know what you hated more, or who you hated more. Was it John, who said yes and couldn't stick his arse up to his brother and say no ? Who could still look you in the eye claiming to still be in love with you even after being the one to scratch your heart out? Or was it Tommy? The man you looked up to as your elder brother? Who you trusted more than yourself, that he will never let you and John part your ways? Or was it Esme? The beautiful damsel who made you envy her? She was beautiful, she was young, and she was untouched by war, or that is what you thought. Maybe she would keep John happy, maybe she would be good for him, you kept repeating those words at the back of your mind again and again.

It was as though you couldn't breathe after that. You would sit up in bed, drenched in your own sweat, screaming at the top of your lungs, crying. At first, John did come, when your mother would telephone him and tell him what had happened, concerned and his eyes clouded in tears, watching you, wishing he could hold you, as your mother leant over the side of your bed and tried to calm you down but as the days to his wedding came closer, he stopped coming altogether.

You couldn't watch him take his vows, so you locked yourself in your room, having decided you were never going to step into the Shelby house again. The truth was, although they were your family, they were also your employers; you worked for Tommy Shelby, as one of his secretaries. If you left this job, you didn't know when you will find another job again.

Thus, a few days before John and Esme were to be married, you asked Tommy to give you a time off, for you needed it, to recuperate. And he did, without thinking twice. Tommy did what he had to do, it was a call of the moment, but it wasn't like he didn't know how much you or John were hurting. If giving you a chance to go on a much needed Vacation was something he could do to ease your pain, he would definitely do it.

You cried all night, a night before the love of your life married another woman. You sat in bed, hugging your feet closer to your body, thick salty tears spilling along your cheeks, your lip trembling and quivering. At times you would have to bring your palm up to press it against your mouth, for you had an urge to scream and to yell, but you didn't want to wake your neighbours. Little did you know, that outside your window, John had fixed himself, only his cigarette stick visible under the pale moonlight, for he wanted to make sure you were alright, and couldn't sleep without tossing and turning multiple times. Little did you know that he often wrote to you, but your mother burnt those letters before they could reach you; so they couldn't cause any more damage to you as this mess already had.

The next day, you left Birmingham City, having decided to get out of town, the first train to London, away from the chaos and the madness this city had brought upon you. Maybe a change will do you good. And you decided you will not come back, for there was nothing left there for you, except your mother but that was a different thing altogether.

You blocked it all out, all the hurt, all the anguish that you were feeling, swallowing it inside of you like a bitter pill, weeks after John and Esme Shelby were one, but one thing you couldn't do, was return back to work, for you didn't have it in you to face your biggest weakness. It had taken you weeks to stop feeling depressed all the time and you had finally learnt what it felt like when you had to just live on, putting on a brave face. You now knew what it meant when people said, things happen, and they don't really and most often don't happen the way we want them to, but life goes on, whether we like it or not.

Finally, fifteen long weeks after having gone without seeing John Shelby, one morning, you woke up in a puddle of your own sweat, thick hot beads of sweat trickling down your temples. Half lidded eyes, you reached for a glass of water to soothe your parched throat, but the anxiety and the fear bubbling up inside your heart didn't ease. You had to see him, to make sure he was okay. Nothing mattered to you in that second, when your heart was palpitating inside your chest and you were sat there, clutching your sheets and gasping for air.

You ran up into the living room, and fell next to the telephone ringing your mother, and cried on the phone, "I want to come back home mum, I thought I will feel better, but I don't, I just feel I will never feel better again."

You lied to yourself, that you were going back to Birmingham city, the first train you could find, so you could see your mother again, but your heart knew that it was much more complex than what it all looked like. Even after coming back, and spending all evening with your mum, you couldn't fill up the hollowness that you had been feeling in your heart. You knew there was only one way.

After much contemplation, walking down to the Garrison didn't seem like a bad idea to you; the Shelby's mostly spent their evenings at the Garrison, and you hoped you'll catch a glimpse of him from one of the windows, and you'll leave. It was a pale, moonless night, the winds were shallow, but you could still notice the winds, hitting your face, causing a shiver to run down your spine. The windows to the Garrison were mildly foggy as though they hadn't been scrubbed on in ages, but you could still see. You could see the Shelby's all standing inside, walking around, speaking to each other. He was standing there, in a pool of his family, Finn on one side and Arthur on another, his young boyish face gleaming underneath the golden ivory lighting of the pub. Also, a woman stood next to him, that you clearly recognised, Mrs. John Shelby.

Your heart still managed to skip a beat, when you saw a soft smile break out on his lips at probably a joke being cracked by Finn. Atleast he looked happy. When you were not.

"Excuse me? Is something wrong?"

A voice called out to you, causing your eyelids to expand, and your hand to fly upwards, your fingers managing to push a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. Slowly, you turned around to look at the source of the voice. He didn't look much older than you, but from what you could see, you could notice how well dressed he was , almost like the Shelby's themselves.

"I, uh, it's nothing. I was just lost."

The young man skewered his head to one side, as if scrutinizing you from the corner of his eye, however, before he could speak again, a voice cut him off, a voice you knew all together, "Michael, where's Polly? I thought it was the whole family tonight. She-"

Tommy stopped talking, the minute he laid his eyes on you. Even in the darkness of the night, he knew it was you. It had been ages they had all seen you. It was as though you had just vanished, and your mother never told them your whereabouts, no matter how much they tried to find out.

"You-"

"Hello, Thomas."

You whispered, toying with your fingers.

"How? We all fucking tried looking for you everywhere."

"I left town." You tried to sound cold, but who were you kidding, no matter how much you tried, this family was yours, although you didn't share their blood. Tommy was like a brother you had never had.

"Does John-"

Tommy didn't complete his sentence, he just turned to follow your gaze as the two of you started looking at him, watching you from the inside, his jaw almost dropped as if he had seen a ghost; his eyes on you.

Michael finally understood who you were. You were the one, the one that had caused the sheen in John's eyes to die down, the woman who had his heart.

𖠁𐂃𖠁

You were okay.

It had been difficult, and at first, you didn't want to do it. Being back into the Shelby's life was difficult, and Tommy's offer of you retaking your position as his secretary was something that made you feel worried, that being around John will break your control over the situation.

But you wouldn't lie, there was someone who made you pull through, and stuck with you when you thought you wouldn't be able to do it.

Michael Gray.

You didn't remember the countless times you had used him as your pillow, crying on his shoulders while he let you. He didn't judge you, and he didn't lie to you, telling you that things will be fine. That is all you wanted.

You sat in the Shelby office, on a Saturday, and you weren't expecting the Shelby's to come in today, except Michael, who was already here standing by the telephone, speaking to someone.

You tapped your lit cigarette lightly, letting the white snowy ashes fall into the ashtray, as you brought it back up to your plump lips. Your eyes scanned through the files, your pen in your other free hand as you scribbled some numbers relentlessly into the notepad, until Michael slammed the receiver down.

"What's wrong, Michael?" You gave him a look.

"Nothing , Tommy's fucking shipment is stuck. Some workers strike."

"Well, if the man himself is least bothered, why on earth are you boiling your blood out for him? Let it go, Thomas is going to find a way to sort it out, yeah? Anyway, I need your help, this is some really messed up calculation."

Michael shook his head, pretending to be disappointed in you, but secretly, he loved it. He loved it when you called him over to help you out with the calculations, for this meant that he could tower over your desk, leaning down on you, secretly inhaling the soft, dewy fragrance from your silky locks, admiring you. So, he left whatever it was that he was doing and fixed himself next to your desk, almost leaning over you from your back, so he could look at the paperwork.

Just then, the doors flung open, and a sudden chatter filled the room, when Arthur, Tommy and John entered, bickering among themselves on a topic, without having paid heed to you.

"Right, so did you see his fucking face? He could have bloody shit his pants at that," Arthur chuckled.

Your face lost its pallor, and you averted your gaze from John, when he suddenly stopped listening to his brother, and his eyes fell on Michael, and you. He could not hide the sudden change in his expression, the jealousy and the hurt in his eyes. His jaw squared, and his eyes narrowed in reflex and he couldn't bite back on his words, "Michael, I thought we asked you to sort out the bloody shipment, and not fucking flirt around with the employees around here."

My eyes widened at his words, and reflexively, I stood up, fixing myself next to Michael in his support.

"Well, what can I fucking do if the workers are on a bloody strike?" Michael protested, stepping in front of your desk, facing the three men.

"Well, for one, you can do what you're fucking here to do, and not be on other people's desks," John snapped, ignoring the way your eyes widened at him in disapproval, and Michael grit his teeth, clenching his fists as he walked off, towards the door.

"Michael, wait." You called out, but he didn't stop, and the door slammed shut when he walked out of the betting shop.

"John, thats enough, what are you fucking doing, eh?" Tommy asked, stepping in front of John, blocking your view of him.

"Just getting some bloody work done around here for once," John grumbled back, trying to walk past Arthur and Tommy so he could barge towards you. However, before he could make his way to you, you stepped up, grabbing your coat, and your purse.

"Michael didn't deserve that," you spat at him once, before turning away, as you walked out.

You didn't wait to turn back and see that John had pulled out of Arthur's grip, and he was now making his way towards you. You stepped out of the Shelby office, your heels clicking against the paved roads, as you started walking away, when you felt a hand grip your arm and pull you back, pressing you against the brick wall.

"John, let me go." You protested, trying to push his chest so he could move away.

"What the fuck was that?" He barked, still not letting you go, his hands on either side of you, having trapped you there, while you kept trying to push him, so you could get out of being so close to him again, "Michael fancies you. He fucking fancies you and still you like to keep him around yourself?"

You almost scoffed at his hypocrisy.

"So what if he fancies me? So what John?" You screamed, taking a deep breath, wiping the tears that had managed to leak from your eyes, leaving stains down your cheeks. He parted his lips, trying to find the right words, but before he could, you started yelling again, "it was okay for you to bloody get married when Tommy asked you to, but I cannot let another man fancy me. Why John? You're a fucking married man now, and I can't move on and be with someone who fancies me."

He slowly removed his hands from either of your sides, and stepped away so he could give you the space, and you instantly stepped away, shaking your head at him and then running your hands through your hair, frustrated with this all.

You kicked the sidewalk with your heel, not even paying attention to how your heel broke from the hit.

"You know I didn't want this to happen Y/N, not any more than you didn't. But I could not say a bloody no to Tommy."

"Don't you dare put this on anyone but you. You fucking chose to say yes, and you weren't forced. I never forgave Tommy, but I will never forgive you too John, now if you allow I have to go look for Michael."

You bent, sliding your feet out from the heels and took your heels in your hand. You started turning, when then it all happened in slow motion, before John could do anything to stop you.

If John knew that the bullet from the Italians gun, that was meant for him, will hit you on the side of your neck, he would have shielded you with his own life.

It was a clean hit, the bullet striking his heart, poetically, and your neck.

Your eyes widened, your hand flying to your neck, as hot blood spurted out and you started coughing, your body feeling loose, like that of jelly.

He watched you gasp, clutching the side of your neck, his eyes widened in shock, his mind blank, and his heart beating faster than ever. Tommy and Arthur rushed out now too, and before John could react, Arthur was kneeling down next to you, checking your pulse, his palm pressed to your neck, as you slowly bled to death.

"Tommy, we need to get her to fucking doctor, she is fucking bleeding to death!!"

John just kept looking.

If only that bullet had taken him.

John Shelby lost his heart in a whiff of a second, watching it shatter into two, the day he watched the woman he loved take her last breath. He broke down next to your now cold palm that lay by the sidewalk, your eyes wide open, keeping you close to his heart.

You were dead, even before Arthur could lift you up and carry you into Tommy's car, you were already gone and your body went cold, your hand falling lifelessly down your side.

Now just a month later, history repeated itself, but only this time, John didn't feel like he had anything to lose, and instead, he only had something to gain. He was probably going to bleed to death, but there was one thing that comforted him, as he took his last, broken breaths, that maybe you were waiting for him on the other side, and he just had to throw out his hand, and you'll be there to catch him.

And this is what he thought, in those final moments, as he lay, covered in a pool of his own blood, shot down by the Italians himself, mere months after your death. His breathing slow, his chest heaving up and down, blood erupting from his wounds, yet he was thinking of your face, the way your eyes were trained to him as you died.

John was awake; atleast for mere seconds, just as he inched closer to death, when Esme hunched over him, trying to revive him and he opened his mouth, gasping for air, like a fish thrown out of water, trying to breath; but he did manage to say a few words, only, they were so muffled, Esme could never make out what he said.

No one could hear what John Shelby spoke to her, and she kept clinging on to his last words, imagining that he was telling her that he loved her, but what he said was gone the minute he was gone.

But if anyone would have heard it, he would have known, what he meant, when he took his last breaths, and the only words that came out of his lips were, "I'm coming home, baby."

He was finally going home. And they were going to be together.

Permanent John Shelby Taglist :

@really-dont-forget-it

@thepeakygurl

@baumarvel

@nyotamalfoy

@peakyfooky

Want to be added to my Taglist? Please fill up the form on this link. ❤️

[hwiyoungslesbiangf]

I was tagged by @braceletofteeth. tysm for tagging me <333

Rules: Tag 9 people you'd like to get to know better!

Favorite color: Purple !!!

Currently reading: I'm reading the Queen's Gambit !! I watched the show on Netflix months ago and decided to buy the book. Honestly? I really love it lol. I've read through it pretty quickly, although I'm not quite done yet. I like the writing style and the narration just moves so well. I never thought chess could be so interesting.

I must say though, I've been speed-reading it so that I could read Don Quixote lol. I love reading a lot but I don't find the time so often because I have soooo many other hobbies, but when I start reading a book and really like it, I'm glued to it.

I haven't read any fanfics in awhile just bc I haven't felt the urge to read them. I go through periods where fanfiction is just uninteresting to me. Mostly its because the one thing I want to read fanfiction for doesn't have anymore for me to read!! curse sf9s permanent nugu status.

Also started reading this Chinese bl novel? it reads a little weird because its a translation but I suppose it isn't too bad. not exactly interesting but just something to pass the time.

Last song: I believe it was Rush Hour by Monsta X. I love that song lol. Tbh I only really listen to Kpop, not much else. Thats just the kind of person I am tho!! Once I get into something I stick with it until I can't take it anymore. Last non-Kpop song I remember listening to is rises the moon by Liana Flores. It's very calming and I really adore her voice.

Last series: I've been watching adventure time lately. I enjoy kids cartoons a lot but the motivation to watch adventure time was bc of the lesbians lol <3 they're cute.

Last Kdrama I watched was probably a rewatch of SFH but I just started this ballet one on Netflix that I can't remember the name of. OH I also recently watched Tinted With You but I didn't finish it because I found it to be a little boring.

Sweet, savory, or spicy: SPICY!! I love spicy food sm. I'd have to put sweet and savory on equal levels bc I like them both!!

Currently working on: Hmmm. A few things! Some long term things I'm working on:

1. Finishing high school! I have one semester left and its kicking my ass.

2.My mental health! I have very severe depression and anxiety and I recently started going to therapy! I also started using anti-depressants and they've helped!!

3. My Kpop collections. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on Kpop merch because I'm collecting a lot of different groups!

My current photo card collections: OT9 SF9, 3 members of NCT, 1 member of Monsta X (and some ot5/6/7 sets bc they're cute), a few enhypen pcs, and 1 member from Seventeen!

Short term things:

1. Writing Fanfics. I'm working on one of the requests I was given and I'm having a lot of fun! I'm excited to do the other one as well! I'm also writing an sf9 fanfic bc im sooooo emo about the lack of sf9 fics on ao3.

2.Selling a bunch of extra Kpop stuff I've hoarded for like 2 years.

Post the first GIF when searching your name:

dfgsjdhfkdsgfdskhfh my bf <3

Favorite season: So. This is a little funny. I'm originally from Hawaii!! Which is of course pretty hot year round. However, my favorite season is actually winter! I have a hard time handling the heat. I get really bad migraines and I constantly get sick when I overheat and it just sucks. I now live in the southern US which is either HOT or mildly cold. We had a 30 degree day and the next day it was 75 out and humid as hell. I like winter bc its just waaaay more comfortable.

9 people to do this challenge: @bonbonpich @chhagiya @micahrose-mountainnose @srabaskerville @loveforseo @moonjosteeth

uhhhh I ran out of people to tag LOL I don't interact with that many people here T^T

These are some people that regularly like my posts! I know you are all just strangers on the internet, but in my little monkey brain you are all my friends bc you think I am funny sometimes <3

[bat-eclecticwolfbouquet-love]

If you stop thirst for shigaraki that mean You Will not write for him anymore?

Let me explain. I wait every week to see if he's OK. I stress. I worry. I hate feeling like that. Its not normal to be this invested in a drawing. I hate myself for being like this. I have lots of characters that I love but them dying or getting captured in Shigaraki’s case wouldn't destroy me. I feel like this is wearing on my heart to much. I will always love Shigaraki but I don't want to get super depressed and heartbroken if something happens. Although I'm pretty sure he won't d word, I always let my mind run away with 'what if.' Him getting put in tartarus is another horrible fear. I will still be attracted to him and thirst and write but if something happens I want to be able to deal with it better. To not wait for leaks with anxiety and my heart pounding in my chest. To look at the chapters without my hands shaking cause I'm scared to see what is coming. To not have my heart drop when he is hurt. I will still write for him, I'm writing a fic of him now. He will always be my fav I just want to not freak out about what could happen. OK now everyone knows how insane I am about him. I just totally embarrassed myself, but yeah I'm crazy I guess.

[dorkzilla-exe]

Zim, Dib, and Seven Smeets

A ZaDr series: Ep 1, Hatching Day

Dib: Zim, will you come down.

Zim: *sitting on top of the fridge* DO NOT DISTURB ME WHILE I'M IN MY PANIC SPOT!

Dib: Im just-

Zim: *crying* DIBBERSON, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, I'LL BE DOWN IN A MINUTE!

Dib: you said that an hour ago, I've got everything set up for the celebration, so at least be down before 3, ok?

Zim: wait, you did the decorating? You did EVERYTHING?! ON YOUR OWN?!

Dib: *smiles sinisterly* yes, yes I did, all on my own, probably made some mistakes in color arrangement-

Zim: LET ME SEE! YOU BETTER NOT HAVE MESSED ANYTHING UP!! *jumps down from the fridge and scurries into the living room*

Dib: works every time...

Zim: Dib, you didn't actually mess any of the decorations!?

Dib: I studied hard when you were decorating for Gaz's birthday, so I applied your decoration tactics to this room and... well... ta-daa!

Zim: you really are amazing, Dib. You know that, right?

Dib: I got the hint the day you gave me a ring-pop and asked for my hand in marriage.

Zim: I swear I didn't know it was candy, the person who sold it to me said it was worth 5,000$ and would sell it to me for 4,900...

Dib: I really didn't care about being proposed to with a candy ring, a ring is a ring to me, wether it's candy or not. Although, it is very concerning how someone managed to sell you a ring-pop for that much.

Zim: don't remind me...

Dib: would you believe me when I say I still have it?

Zim: no, I actually wouldn't.

Dib: well I do, I had it dipped in resin so it wouldn't deteriorate.

Zim: wow, how have I not noticed it?

Dib: remember that box I where keep stuff like pendants and pins? That's where the ring is.

Zim: that's sweet.

Dib: wait a minute, I just remembered we've got one more thing to do...

Zim: The Smeet's play-pen! We've gotta decorate that! Get the streamers! I've got some decorating to do!

[About an hour later]

Dib: alright, living room decorated, snacks and cake ready, little gift bags customized for every guest, flowers and other table decorations, and Zim's in the play-pen with the eggs. We are ready for the guests to arrive and it isn't even-

[Knocking from the front door]

Dib: right on cue, must be dad cause he's been early to ever other party. *answers the door* hey- uh...

Tallest Red: hello there, you must be Dib

Tallest Purple: How has Zim been? We haven't heard too much from him since he layed the eggs.

Dib: uhhhh... Hi I'm Dib Membrane, Zim's husband. Zim's been doing wonderfully, aside from the random anxiety attacks and his weekends of depression. Please come in! We have plenty of Irken friendly food and drinks ready, but remember to save some for the other guests. You two apparently aren't the only alien guests on our list.

Tallest Red: Thank you Mr. Membrane, we appreciate your hospitality. *enters with Tallest Purple*

Zim: My Tallest! I didn't expect you to be here until 10 minutes later.

Tallest Purple: see, I told you we were too early!

Tallest Red: EUGH, we could've brought the little ones Paks...

Dib: actually, we already thought of that. My Dad works at Membrane labs and designed him "Membrane Paks". They are designed to make it easier for them to identify us in a crowd, immediately begin healing if injured, ward off any diseases and illnesses, higher pain tolerance, and give them a longer life.

Zim: the only major differences are the Designs and application process. Instead of implanting electonics in abruptly, we will apply them more delicately, carefully and less painfully.

Tallest Red: hmm, I see, it would also be much easier to identify them if they ever decided to work for the Irken Empire.

Zim: i mean, you're not wrong. But I also invited here to ask for permission to retire.

Tallest Purple: retire?

Tallest Red: eumm... sure? Why not?

[1 hour later]

Dib: Dad, Gaz, the tallest, Skoodge, Tak, Tenn, Keef, Z, Zita, Clembrane, Prisinor 777 and his kids.

Dib: that seems to be about everyone, all we're missing are-

Anne: *annoyingly beating on Dib's Door* DIBDIBDIBDIBDIBDIBDIBDIBDIB!

Dib: Anne and Flish...

Dib: *opens the door, making Anne fall into the house*

Anne: Crikey, you've grown! You're 'bout as tall as Flishey now!

Flish: howdy, Dib. Sorry we couldn't make it to yer wedding last year.

Dib: it's ok, come on in you two.

Tallest Purple: oh yeah... we banished HER here too...

Tallest Red: I feel like Zim isn't our biggest concern anymore.

Anne: My Tallest! It's been YEARS! how've ya been!

Tallest Purple: good~

Anne: *gasp* OH MY GOSH! The eggs! Aw, they're absolutely precious! Zim, you oughta call yourself lucky! 'Lotta Irkens can't lay eggs y'know.

Zim: eheh, I know. Which is why I didn't fully expect it.

Dib: you should've seen him, he cried his eyes out the whole time and more.

Flish: Heha! sounds like Zim a'right. But don'cha get all concerned and stuff. It's completely normal to cry during egg laying. Er, from what I've heard at least.

Dib: it's official, everyone's here.

Tallest Purple: great!... Now what?

Dib: Um, we talk.

Tallest Purple: sounds boring.

Gaz: I have Videogames.

Tallest Purple: Ooo, sounds intriguing! What do you do?

Professor Membrane: son, may I speak with you for a moment?

Dib: sure.

Professor Membrane: let's go into the other room, ok.

Dib: *nods and walks into the bedroom*

Professor Membrane: something is wrong and I can tell.

Dib: *walks over to the bad, grabs a pillow, and screams in it*

Professor Membrane: I know your stressed, but everything will be just fine. I'm sure you and Zim will be great-

Dib: But what if we arent?! I work weekends at a coffee shop and Zim works at a clothing store in a mall. We can't provide for SEVEN babies! It took a lot of saving to get this party set up! I rarely get any tips and the one tip I got last weekend was from Gaz and it was a penny.

Professor Membrane: Ok, now that's just sad.

Dib: I don't know what to do! It's hard for me to get a different job, a barista was the closest I could do because I apparently make really good lattes. *sob*

Professor Membrane: have you ever considered working with me in the labs? You already know everyone there and know the place well. Plus, I could adjust your schedule so you don't have to come every day and you get paid just for being there.

Dib: you'd do that for me?

Professor Membrane: of course! You really do need the money, I could have you work as a lab assistant, but that's a little dangerous. I could put you in the mailing room? Or-

Dib: what about food service? I can cook, I can make coffee, tea, and plenty of different desserts.

Professor Membrane: that's a wonderful idea! I could make you work down at the cafeteria so your talent isn't wasted on Lattes!

Dib: Consider me hired! Ill be there tomorrow evening-

Professor Membrane: no no, you should stay home for a few days.

Dib: but dad, I-

Professor Membrane: Dibberson, I know you want to help out as soon as you can, but right now, Zim and your children need you here. Besides, it's hard to bond with a child while you're away, right?

Dib: I guess it is.

Anne: *Bursts through the door* Dib! It's about to happen! One of the eggs moved!

Dib: bwha?! Already?! I didn't think it would be this early! *runs to the living room*

Zim: Dib! There you are! Hurry over here, you don't want to miss this!

Dib: *looks over the pen* which one moved?

Zim: This one right here. *puts egg in lap*

Dib: When will they-

Zim: any moment now...

Dib: *puts hand on egg, feeling for any movement*

Zim: Dib, can I admit something before they hatch?

Dib: go ahead.

Zim: I knew about the eggs since the first day they began developing.

Dib: wanna know something? The 4 months before I helped you with the eggs, I was suspicious that you might've been pregnant. I was kinda right.

Zim: yes, yes you were. AH! DIB, IT'S HATCHING!

Dib: *removes hand, watching both the eggs hatch and his family grow before his eyes*

Zim: thank you, Dib

Dib: hm?

Zim: thank you for everything. I'll love you forever and on.

Dib: *pure panic* wait, you dont die after the eggs hatch, do you?

Zim: No, no I don't, but I'll love you longer than you'll ever know. And that's a promise.

From then and on, Zib and Dib lived a happy and eventful life with 7 beautiful Human-Irken Smeets.

The End

Zim: Or is it?

Dib: Not really, but for now, yes.