#i'm so depressed i agreed to go to the gym

[saebaragi]

deep down, instead of doing something, i just want to... do nothing in peace

[francesderwent]

what is stranger things saying about the dichotomy of ordinary versus strange? it’s more complicated than you think

1x01 Hopper tries to tell Joyce that Will is probably with Lonnie, saying, "99 out of 100 times, kid goes missing, the kid is with a parent or relative." She answers, "What about the other time? You said 99 out of 100. What about the other time, the one?" Over the course of the season, her willingness to entertain unlikely options is proven correct (pro-strange)

1x02 In a flashback, Lonnie skips out on a baseball game with Will and Jonathan tells Will, “He's trying to force you to like normal things. And you shouldn't like things because people tell you you're supposed to. Okay? Especially not him.” (pro-strange)

1x04 Jonathan tells Nancy why he does photography: "I guess I'd rather observe people than, you know..." "Talk to them," she finishes. "I know, it's weird," he says. "No," she says. "No, it is. It's just, sometimes, people don't really say what they're really thinking. But you capture the right moment, it says more." (pro-strange; verging very slightly into anti-ordinary because Jonathan doesn't trust people to tell the truth from their own lips, he has to seek it out and capture it.)

1x05 The infamous Nancy and Jonathan scene, Nancy says why she thinks her parents got married, "I don't think my parents ever loved each other." "They must've married for some reasons," Jonathan answers. "My mom was young, my dad was older but he had a cushy job, money, came from a good family. So they bought a nice house at the end of the cul-de-sac and started their nuclear family." "Screw that," says Jonathan. "Yeah," Nancy agrees. "Screw that." (pro-strange, starting to creep into anti-ordinary)

1x05 Jonathan explaining what he saw in Nancy's photograph: "I saw this girl trying to be someone else, but for that moment, it was like you were alone, or you thought you were, and you know, you could just be yourself." "That is such bullshit," Nancy says, "I am not trying o be someone else just because I'm dating Steve and you don't like him." They fight, he says, "Does that mean I have to like [Steve]?" Nancy says, "No." "Jonathan says, "Listen, don't take it so personally, okay? I don't like most people. He's in the vast majority." Nancy says, "I was actually starting to think you were okay. I was thinking, Jonathan Byers, maybe he's not the pretentious creep everyone says he is." Jonathan answers, "I was just starting to think you were okay, I was thinking Nancy Wheeler, she's not just another suburban girl who thinks she's rebelling by doing exactly what every other suburban girl does, until that phase passes and they marry some boring one-time jock who now works sales, and live out a perfectly boring little life at the end of a cul-de-sac, exactly like their parents, who they thought were so depressing." (this is a clash of perspective; Nancy is vaguely, defensively pro-ordinary and Jonathan is pro-strange and pretty-anti-ordinary)

1x06 Eleven confesses that she opened the gate and she's the monster. Mike says, "No, El, you're not the monster. You saved me." (her powers and her difference make her a hero; pro-strange)

1x08 Steve, the boring, popular one-time jock, comes back to fight the demogorgon alongside Nancy and Jonathan. (pro-ordinary)

1x08 Mike tells Eleven that when it's all over she can have a real bed in his basement and his parents will be like her parents and Nancy will be like her sister. "I was thinking, I don't know, maybe we can go to the Snow Ball together. It's this cheesy school dance where you go in the gym and dance to music and stuff." (cheesy ordinary school stuff that Mike wouldn't have considered going to before is now a desirable ending. pro-ordinary)

so the main thrust of season 1 is strongly pro-strange. ordinary people are blind to the evil and suffering in the world, and blind to the strengths of people like El and Will. Joyce is contrasted to the perfect prim Mrs. Wheeler; where Mrs. Wheeler's comfort and advice is useless, Joyce sees the truth and saves her child. Nancy and Jonathan butt heads, but end up being an effective team. there's just a little bit of ambiguity introduced at the tail end of the season: Mike doesn't want to escape or rebel against his family, he wants to bring El into it, and wants them both to go to the Snow Ball - the epitome of ordinary - together. and ordinary, shallow Steve surprises everyone (including the writers, who'd planned to kill him off) by showing courage and selflessness when it counts.

2x01 Steve talks to Nancy about the future: "I'm just going to end up working for my dad anyway. Is that such a bad thing? There's insurance and benefits and all that adult stuff." (the scene is about Nancy's fear of following in her parents’ footsteps, and so it leans pro-strange)

2x01 Will tells Jonathan that treating him like he's fragile just makes him feel like more of a freak. "You're not a freak," Jonathan tells him. "Yeah, I am. I am," Will answers. "You know what, you're right," Jonathan says. "You are a freak, but what? Do you want to be normal? Do you wanna be just like everyone else? Being a freak is the best, I'm a freak." "Is that why you don't have any friends?" Will asks. "I have friends, Will." "Then why are you always hanging out with me?" "Because you're my best friend, right? And I would rather be best friends with Zombie Boy than with a boring nobody. You know what I mean? Okay, look, who would you rather be friends with? Bowie, or Kenny Rogers." Will grimaces. "Exactly, it's no contest," Jonathan says. "The thing is, nobody normal every accomplished anything meaningful in this world. Got it?" "Well," Will says thoughtfully, "some people like Kenny Rogers." Bob, passing by in the hallway, says "Kenny Rogers? I love Kenny Rogers!" (strongly pro-strange, strongly anti-ordinary)

2x02 Nancy and Steve fight about whether to tell Barb's parents the truth or keep on pretending everything's alright. Steve says, "It's hard, but let's just go to Tina's stupid party, wear our stupid costumes that we've been working on for a stupid amount of time, and just pretend like we're stupid teenagers, okay?" (this scene is ambiguous, leaning pro-strange, because they both use the language of "pretend"--ordinariness is all a performance, a lie)

2x02 Bob asks Joyce, "What if we were to move out of Hawkins together? I was thinking about what you said, we have all these memories here and you wish you had enough money to move. My parents are selling their house in Maine, there's a Radio Shack nearby I'm sure they'd take me on. We could just..." He sees Joyce's reaction, and says ruefully, "My turn to be silly now." "No, it's just so hard to explain," she says. "It's just this...this is not a normal family." "It could be," Bob says. (this scene is ambiguous, leaning pro-strange. Bob means well but Joyce doesn't see his hopes as possible or realistic given the complications of their life)

2x02 Nancy drunkenly accuses Steve in the bathroom, "You're bullshit. You're pretending like everything's okay, you know, like we didn't...like we didn't kill Barb. Like it's great. Like we're in love, and we're partying." Steve echoes, "Like we're in love?" Nancy says venomously, "It's bullshit." Steve asks, "You don't love me?" (the scene is mostly pro-strange, but with a little ambiguity injected because we can see how much this hurts Steve)

2x02 Will tells Mike about his episodes, Mike tells Will about feeling like he sees Eleven. "I don't know, sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy," Mike says. "Me, too," Will says. "Hey, well, if we're both going crazy, then we'll go crazy together, right?" Mike says. "Yeah, crazy together," Will agrees. (pro-strange)

2x03 Nancy and Jonathan discuss the burden of carrying on after loss. "Maybe things just can't go back to the way they were," Jonathan says. "Doesn't that make you mad?" Nancy asks. (ambiguous! "the way things were" being possibly gone forever is a loss, according to Nancy.)

2x05 Bob deciphers Will's drawings, saving Hopper's life. (pro-ordinary)

2x06 Murray tells Nancy, "Probably, like everyone, you're afraid of what would happen if you accepted yourself for who you really are, and retreated back to the safety of...name? Name!" "Steve," Jonathan supplies. "Steve!" exclaims Murray. "We like Steve, but we don't love Steve." "We - I do!" Nancy protests. (pro-strange and anti-ordinary; Steve's only desirable characteristic is that he's safe, he's being set up as another Mr. Wheeler, the husband in another loveless marriage)

Bob tells Joyce, "I thought stuff like this happened in comic books and movies, not in Hawkins and certainly not to people like you." "Or you," she says. He chuckles, jokes, "Bob Newby, superhero." She asks if he's cold, he tells her not to worry about him. "It's not as if you didn't warn me, this is not a normal family, isn't that what you said? Kind of makes my idea of moving to Maine seem a little less crazy, doesn't it." Joyce says, "Oh, it's not crazy." (still ambiguous; Bob's heart isn't in question but it's still unclear whether he can keep up with the world he's been thrown into. his plan is to flee it, but is that admirable?)

2x07 Kali tells El, "We will always be monsters to them. Let me guess, your policeman, he also stops you from using your gifts? What you can do it incredible, it makes you very special, Jane." (pro-strange, anti-ordinary)

2x07 El tells Kali that she has to go back because her friends are in danger. Kali says, "There's nothing for you back there. They cannot save you, Jane." El answers, "No, but I can save them." (pro-strange but with nuance! the strange and the special have something to offer the ordinary)

2x08 Bob gets Joyce, Hopper, Will, and Mike out of the lab, saves all their lives. Mike tells everyone that Bob was the original founder of Hawkins AV club, that their teacher Mr. Clark learned everything he knows from Bob. (strongly pro-ordinary! not only is Bob a hero, but he's shown to have been just like the boys, and even though he grew up and became the epitome of normal, his legacy helps other little nerds)

so season two is more complex than season one. on the one hand, Nancy finishes the arc she started in season one: rejects Steve and chooses Jonathan, rejects ordinary and chooses strange, precisely because she sees being with Steve as buying into the whole suburban destiny that she now knows is a lie. on the other hand, the two main heroes of the season are Bob - Mr. Ordinary - and El, who rejects her sister's anti-ordinary worldview and chooses to use her strange gifts in service of her ordinary friends.

3x03 Joyce tells Hopper that the magnets can't be a coincidence, and he says "I don't think it's a joke, I think that when I asked you out, I think you got scared. I think you got scared, and now, you're inventing things. You're inventing things to get worked up about so that you can push me away, because God forbid any of us move on! Because that, that would be too much, right Joyce?" (the strange happenings are seen as an excuse to stay away from ordinary vulnerabilities; the scene is vaguely pro-ordinary, filtered through angry hungover yelling)

3x03 Dustin tries to tell Steve that he should date Robin, Steve tells him she's not his type: "For your information, she's still in school. And she's weird. She's a weirdo. And she's hyper. I don't like that she's hyper. And she did drama. That's a bad look. And she's in band? No." Dustin says, "Now that you're out of high school, which means you're technically an adult, don't you think it's time you move on from primitive constructs such as popularity?" (pro-strange)

3x07 Steve confesses to Robin on the bathroom floor, "The point is, this girl, you know, the one that I like, it's somebody that I didn't even talk to in school. And I don't even know why. Maybe cause Tommy H would have made fun of me, or I wouldn't be...prom king? It's stupid. I mean, Dustin's right, it's all just a bunch of bullshit anyways. Because when I think about it, I should've been hanging out with this girl the whole time. First of all, she's hilarious. She's so funny. I feel like this summer I have laughed harder than I have laughed in a really long time. And she's smart. Way smarter than me. You now, she can crack, like, top secret Russian codes and, you know, she's honestly unlike anyone I've ever even met before." Robin tells him he's not thinking straight, he says he's thinking a lot more clearly than normal. She says, "Look, he doesn't even know this girl, and if he did know her, like, really know her, I don't think he'd even want to be her friend." "No, that's not true, no way is that true," Steve says. (pro-strange)

3x08 Joyce re-initiates her date with Hopper, calling it what it is this time. If the world doesn't end, they deserve to celebrate. They deserve to move on. (pro-ordinary)

season three takes a step back from the focus on these themes or any themes. as in s2, Joyce tries to have the courage to seek an ordinary happy ending again, and again, experiences loss. the only person still grappling is Steve, who's coming to see more deeply the parts of "normalcy" that deserve to be rejected.

4x01 Eddie's introduction speech: "We're the freaks because we like to play a fantasy game. But as long as you're into band or science or parties or a game where you toss balls into laundry baskets...it's forced conformity, that's what's killing the kids. That's the real monster." (pro strange, casually anti-ordinary)

4x01 Chrissy confesses to Eddie, "You know, you're not what I thought you'd be like." "Mean and scary?" he guesses. "Yeah." "Yeah, well, I actually kinda thought you'd be kinda mean and scary too." (this scene is pro-strange AND pro-ordinary! neither of them is what the other thought they'd be, underneath the "freak" and "queen of Hawkins High" facade)

4x07 One's manifesto: "Why would you cry for them, Eleven, after all they did to you? You think you need them but you don't, you don't. Oh, but I know you're just scared. I was scared once, too. I know what it's like to be different, to be alone in this world. Like you, I didn't fit in with the other children. Something was wrong with me. All the teachers and the doctors said I was...broken, they said. My parents thought a change of scenery, a fresh start in Hawkins might just cure me. It was absurd. As if the world would be any different here. But then, to my surprise our new home provided a discovery and a newfound sense of purpose. I found a nest of black widows living inside a vent. Most people fear spiders, they detest them, and yet I found them endlessly fascinating. More than that, I found a great comfort in them, a kinship. Like me, they are solitary creatures and deeply misunderstood. They are gods of our world, the most important of all predators. They immobilize and feed on the weak, bringing balance and order to an unstable ecosystem. But the human world was disrupting this harmony. You see, humans are a unique type of pest, multiplying and poisoning our world, all while enforcing a structure of their own - a deeply unnatural structure. Where others saw order, I saw a straitjacket, a cruel, oppressive world dictated by made-up rules. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, each life a faded, lesser copy of the one before. Wake up, eat, work, sleep, reproduce and die. Everyone is just waiting, waiting for it all to be over, all while performing in a silly, terrible play, day after day. I could not do that. I could not close off my mind and join in the madness, I could not pretend. And I realized...I didn't have to. I could make my own rules. I could restore balance to a broken world. A predator, but for good....I could reach into others, into their minds, their memories. I became an explorer. I saw my parents for what they truly were. To the world, they presented themselves as good, normal people, but like everything else in this world it was all a lie, a terrible lie. They had done things, Eleven, such awful things. I showed them who they really were, I held up a mirror....To your papa, Eleven, you are just an animal, a monster, a lab rat to be tamed, but the truth is just the opposite. You are better than they are. Superior....If you come with me for the first time in your life you will be free. Imagine what we could do together. We could reshape the world, remake it however we see fit." (this is explicitly the villain’s perspective which it is clear we are not supposed to share, and so the scene circles back around to pro-ordinary. moreover El, our hero, rejects his proposal, and so we see that the heart of the strange doesn't have to be about superiority and resentment, and so it's also pro-strange)

4x08 Will's speech to Mike, about El and about himself: "These past few months she's been so lost without you. It's just, she's so different from other people, and when you're...when you're different, sometimes you feel like a mistake. But you make her feel like she's not a mistake at all, like she's better for being different. And that gives her the courage to fight on." (pro-strange & pro ordinary! ordinary Mike makes his strange loved ones feel like they belong; they fit together)

4x08 Steve's speech in the Winnebago while Fire and Rain plays: "It's silly, but I've actually...I always had this dream that I'd have this really, really big family. I'm talking like a full brood of Harringtons. Like, five, six kids?" "Six?" Nancy repeats. "Yeah, six little nuggets. Three girls, three boys. And every summer I figured all of us Harringtons we'd pack into something like this and just see the country. You know, the Rockies, Grand Canyon, maybe Yellowstone, end up in some beachside town in California, spend a week parked in the sand, learn how to surf or something." Nancy says, "That sounds nice." "Yeah?" Steve asks. "Yeah," she says, then shakes herself and adds, "Well, um, except for the six kid part, that sounds like a total nightmare." Steve gestures around the kid-filled RV and says wryly, "If only I had some practice!" Nancy smiles, and says, "All right, fair. That's fair." (strongly pro-ordinary! but at least a little ambiguous because Nancy tries to brush it off after.)

4x09 Max hides "in the light": the Snow Ball. its ordinary goodness is a haven against the darkness, which is invisible to Vecna who can only see the evil of the world. (pro-ordinary)

4x09 Jason tells Lucas, "I was wrong about you. I never should've let you in the door." Lucas answers, "And I never should have knocked. I thought I wanted to be like you. Popular. Normal. But it turns out, normal's just a raging psychopath." (pro-strange, anti-ordinary)

4x09 El tries to get through to Vecna: "I know what [Papa] did to you. You were different, like me. And he hurt you. He made you into this. He is the monster, Henry, not you. Not you!" "You're right," Vecna answers, "you and I, we are different. And Papa did hurt me, but he was no monster. He was just a man, an ordinary, mediocre man. That is why he sought greatness in others, in you, and me. But in the end, he could not control us, he could not shape us, he could not change us. Do you not see, Eleven? He did not make me into this. You did." (this scene is more ambiguous than his previous one--it's clear we ought to reject his extreme anti-ordinary views that make him want to destroy the world, but it's less clear what we are to make of the fact that El did reshape him)

4x09 Mike's speech to El: “I love you on your good days, I love you on your bad days. I love you with your powers, without your powers. I love you for exactly who you are. You're my superhero.” (like his conversation with Will, it's both pro-strange and pro-ordinary)

4x09 El uses her powers to restart Max's heart, focusing on their happy memories together rather than any anger - her power is more than violence, it can also be beauty. (pro-strange)

season four, things are coming to a head! the "normal" townspeople are shown to be afraid of what they don't understand, and prone to blaming the wrong person just because they're different - but if we look closely, Jason isn't evil, he's just misdirected. he does want to kill Eddie, but then again all our main characters want to kill Henry, and it just so happens that they're correct about who's to blame. Jason's biases are wrong, but his intent- Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good - is very much right and in line with the message of the show. Jonathan and Nancy's forays into anti-ordinary thinking are shown to be eerily similar to that of the monster haunting them - and moreover, Jonathan's solitary ways lead to him smoking so much pot that he can't even be there for the people he does care about. El remains committed to using her powers to help her friends; she doesn't want to be a monster just because she is different. and Steve finally reveals himself as the anti-Vecna, completing his transformation into the embodiment of ordinary. his prior classification as "babysitter", an unorthodox role for a teenage boy to choose, has been replaced by a sincere desire for the most orthodox of destinies for an adult man: fatherhood.

[waitingforlostsouls]

One of the biggest issues for me in my life now having to deal with a chronic illness, is that when I'm tired and sick, and I miss an appointment, I'm made to feel like I'm waisting money. Because more often than not, you can't get your money back for these things. And when you have a schedule like mine where you're constantly working, and have to go to doctors appointments, gym times, PT, OT, and specialists on top of that who say 'Well I think you're doing great, but I want to have you back-' you're going to miss something.

And when you're in a situation like what many of us are going through right now with economic stress, having someone tell you that you're waisting money by being sick (which you can't help) makes you feel like shit. And I feel terrible because I'm still in school, and I have to focus on getting my work to my professors; which means that a lot of this pressure to organize stuff is on the other people in my life. So not only do you become aware that you're an economic burden to people, but you feel like an emotional burden on others too. Which, when it comes to dealing with something that drastically changes your life, and already makes you more anxious and depressed as a result, being made to feel like a burden is devastating.

Because what does that do for you? You're in a situation you can't help, but you're being made to feel like the bad guy for having to rely on people, when obviously you rather be doing these things yourself. Everyone tells you to go rest and relax, and that they're here for you; up until things start becoming slightly inconvenient. Because in a world where we've done many good things when it comes to making people aware when they're being used and exploited, we've also validated leaving people to fend for themselves when they obviously can't do so. And that is honestly a make or break aspect of society for people like me, because you have no other option to get help. You can't afford to hire a personal assistant, you can't afford to have someone pick up your groceries for you every week. And most of all, you need people to turn to when you're dealing with all this.

Sometimes you just need a friend to hear you out when you're having a bad day. And the amount of people who have turned into the biggest brats over this is insane. The fact your friend is now sick is not as big a problem for you as it is for them. Why are you taking it out them? I've had to cut little shits out of my life who have gone 'Oh, I'm in this era of like, not caring about anyone else, and only keeping the people in my life who serve me.' Which, as a society, the fact we let people develop that as an idea is a moral failing. Not everything is going to literally serve you. That phrase is meant to be understood emotionally, Jessica. As in "Does it serve you emotionally? Is it adding emotional value to your life?" Not "Are people only doing what you want to do and nothing else? No? They're toxic." That's just not how it works. And the amount of people who have gone and done stuff like that, and tried to make me feel like the asshole for being sick, or not being "fun" anymore is absolutely sickening. They've actually been suprised when I've gone and cut them out of my own life, and sat them down and said I don't want to be friends anymore, because they've acted like that. No honey, it's not cute and quirky that you're going through your sociopath phase where you just can't be bothered to feel sympathy for your sick friend. You actually, and this is crazy, might be a horrible person for being like that. Just a thought. Maybe wake up to the fact humans throughout history have only survived and thrived off of community, and making your sick friend feel like shit for a circumstance they didn't choose, but you agreed to help them through, is shit. This might be controversial, but you are a shit person if you abandon someone and talk down to them for being a "burden" after you have volunteered yourself as a helper, and someone to rely on. You're not the anti-hero. You're just a bad person.

[zerozeroren]

Bbs on an adventure! :3

The gist of the pokemon au (after playing a single game) under the cut

This au turns out a lot more Tony-centric, actually XD it's his character journey more than Sophie's

The two of them meet in a Minor League fighting type gym. Sophie's there as a regular challenger getting ready for the proper Gym Challenge, she had just embarked on her journey. Tony is a trainer in the gym, aka one of the guys Sophie has to take down before challenging the gym leader. She can't help but notice him immediately: every single gym trainer she's ever met boasts a chipper overexcited attitude, but Tony gives off a strong "I hate every second of me being here" aura. He clearly goes through the motions in challenging her, and seems almost afraid of his own pokémon. Fighting type does not suit him, especially with the fact that the gym itself and the gym leader especially play it off extremely macho and toxically masculine, and Tony sticks out like a sore thumb. Sophie actually feels bad for him. Her and Mr. Mime put on a little funny pantomime for Tony, to which he cracks a smile, and Sophie thinks that it's nice.

Sophie quickly deals with him, though, as well as the rest of her competition (given that her ace is a fairy type) and fully intends to move on with her day. But she can't get this encounter out of her head, so after the challenge Sophie asks some other trainers about Tony, and they tell her where he usually has his lunch.

She meets him there and they have a long conversation about how Tony's stuck in the gym because it's a family business, the gym leader is his dad, and his own """ace""" Machamp is his grandfather's. He also slips and accidentally mentions that he secretly has some other mons, not fighting types, that he likes to spend his time with when nobody's looking, and Sophie immediately challenges him to a battle with them. He's hesitant at first, but then agrees, and the match between them is the tightest most exiting one he's ever had. Turns out that it's completely different to battle alongside pokemon he formed a genuine connection with.

Sophie suggests she'd steal Tony away from what is clearly stifling him. There are other people who'd happily take the place he hates being stuck in, and he clearly needs an adventure to shake him out of his depressive state. She just started the journey herself: they can take on the Gym Challenge together and see where it takes them. Tony doesn't know what to do: his legacy and sense of duty weigh on him heavily but he just can't with it all anymore. Dreading every new day became so much it is too hard to handle. And here comes this absolutely random person who suddenly wants to land him a hand. He is confused and doesn't know what to think or how to feel. Sophie wants to give him space to think things through and tells him she'll be waiting for him in the same place tomorrow, and if he doesn't show up by a certain hour, she'll know he decided not to go, and will go her own way as if they've never met. He agrees, and they part ways.

Queue in that scene from The Hobbit where Bilbo runs uphill joyfully yelling "I'm going on an adventure!"

And for Sophie, she decided to manic pixie dream girl Tony out of his situation because she had been in a very similar situation herself. Her parents (in this au both Sophie and Tony have completely different parents and family situations BTW, nothing like OG Attitudes) were really pushy about her interest in Pokemon and Pokemon battles and wanted her to have "a real job" someday, so they made her study and study everything hard and boring, and their position was always this disingenuous kind of "do anything you want once you graduate but until you do you owe this to yourself (read: us)". So Sophie took them up on their words, graduated, took her savings and immediately went away to take part in the Gym Challenge. When she met Tony she saw a lot of her own struggles in him and wanted to help him because nobody did the same for her. She knows how scary it is to go through such a change all alone.

The rest of this au is simply the two of them doing the gym challenge together, camping in the wilderness, having little adventures, catching and playing with pokemon and bonding (falling in love too, ofc😈)

[wednesdaythesecond]

What Gym Class Heroes album should I listen to first, having only heard a few scattered songs before?

okay, okay. good question. personally? i would listen to them all in chronological order (The Papercut Chronicles, then As Cruel as School Children, then The Quilt, then The Papercut Chronicles II) to see the change and growth of the band as a whole cuz that's kind of what i did. but if you wanna do a vibes based approach, i'll give you the rundown on all the albums.

if i had to clearly define each album as a singular vibe i would say they are Sad, Sexy, Experimental and Cunt.

The Papercut Chronicles (February 22nd, 2005) - SAD

angst on angst on angst. there's suicide, addiction, self harm, breakups, self loathing, homophobic violence, addiction, depression, shitty relationships, addiction and did i mention addiction? you've got Cupid's Chokehold and Make Out Club to add a little fun and sexiness but it's a lottttt of heavy shit. Travie's not fucking around on this, he's getting in! to! it! my favourite song right now would probably be To Bob Ross with Love but you should listen to it straight through, in order the first time.

As Cruel as School Children (July 25th, 2006) - SEXY

in an interview, Travie was asked to describe As Cruel as School Children using one word and he picked "sexy." i agree with him, this is a sexy ass album. are you feeling sexy? would you like to feel sexier? Clothes Off! fucks severely and makes me fan myself like a victorian man seeing an ankle for the first time. you want horny romance? you got that. you want student/teacher? you got that. you want ye older internet romance? you got that. you want sex and addiction? you got that. you want sex as a metaphor for addiction? you best believe you got that!! also the sloppy love jingles? hawt <3 my fave song right now would probably be Shoot Down the Stars.

The Quilt (September 8th, 2008) - EXPERIMENTAL

there's a wide variety of genres and themes in this one. there's drunk sex, there's legal trouble, there's father-son bonding, there's a really excellent and non offensive trans joke, there's so many pop culture references, there's infidelity and there's a whole bunch of disses that i think go really hard. like i know in my heart that Travie could rip Drake a new one. the album opens up with fucking JAZZ, then there's fabulous rap and hip hop of course, with some Pumped Up Kicks kind of pop (happy music, dark lyrics) and some seriously sick ass guitar (thank you Disashi <333). my fave song right now would probably be Guilty as Charged

The Papercut Chronicles II (November 11th, 2011) - CUNT

CUNT is a mixture of confidence, sexiness, no fucks given and talent wrapped up in 11 bad bitch tracks. 14 years of Gym Class Heroes came together into this fucking beauty of an album. i'm just saying, if your fave album is so good, how come it didn't get a sequel? we've got back to back bangers that are not afraid to reference or not reference old Gym Class Heroes lore and they all do what they do fucking beautifully. there's confidence, there's vulnerability, there's religion, there's metaphors coming out of everything, there's fucking SICKENING guitar and beats, there's fight songs, there's love songs, there's grocery shopping, there's dinosaurs, there's breakups and there's dollar signs instead of S's. my fave song right now would probably be Martyrial Girl$

so yeah, that's my take on every Gym Class Heroes album <3 listen to them in order tho

[inspiringgrowth]

We Men Are Wired for Strength

Part of what it means to be male and to be a man in general involves strength; being strong and using the strength to do things. It gets even better when we do things that benefit not only ourselves but others as well. And as we get stronger, we naturally want to do more of this being a constructive part of people's lives. It's a great feeling when we engage in this process. I saw it in my father and as I get stronger and more upright, I'm seeing it in myself.

As I get stronger people around me seem to be taking notice. Not only in my looks but also in my helpful, loving and positive actions.

I'm psyched; however, I wasn't always this way. In fact, my life started off lacking strength and health. I was frequently sick, weak and in pain. I became depressed and others around me not seeing what they expected, behaved badly toward me. There were times when I returned home from school with blood streaming down my face as my peers would hit me with their books and even rocks. Not everyone was like this. There were compassionate people I could connect with, and I am grateful for them. They gave me hope.

On an aside, to this day I don't know for sure why other kids wanted to hurt me. Did my having a different ethnic background bother them? Was it my physical weakness? Was it because I was traumatized by the violence around me? Or was it just meant to be. . . I know one thing; it drew me close to God.

Even so, four years ago, it all came to a head and in a burst of anger. I through a very large heavy object. The movement ended up herniating one of the discs in my back. The pain was unbearable. I kept pressing on though hoping and believing that God would get me through it. It was very difficult to do my work but my work at the time was all I had going for me, so I pressed on through the pain.

I also went to physical therapy and did the exercises prescribed. At first it was minimally helpful. Then 6 months ago the PT said she was moving to another state. She said to me that even though my core was much stronger after 4 years of doing the exercises, I still had pain and perhaps it would benefit me to go to a gym and start lifting weights and maybe even start a bodybuilding program. It was her idea that the muscles around my core needed to be built up. She gave me strict guidelines to prevent aggravating the disc. I agreed and got started. Within 3 months of consistent diet and exercise as prescribed, all the pain receded.

This was a huge turning point for me. I am now stronger and healthier than I have ever been. I am so happy to not only do things for myself without pain, but I can also help others with this newfound strength and energy. I feel great!

We men are wired for strength and the more we get stronger and use our strength to help others the more we are who we were made to be. We get this strength by keeping our eyes on God and working consistently on ourselves while helping others.

[virtual-garden]

today's entry - 2024/03/17

hey there, thank you for reading my thoughts today again! ♡

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ✧ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. i realize how 3dblr is motivating me to stay on track, it's so good! i'm thinking about fasting tomorrow because i know i won't have anything to do at work and i'll just sit bored at my desk (already done all my tasks and the client is not answering...) so i won't need much brain power. i do omad during the weekend and it's great!! salad and apples today again and tbh this + soups are so convenient & low cals and it saves me so much money too omg i love it!!

i'm in the honeymoon phase and it feels good. i resist food better and better too.

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ✧ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. i've been thinking about leaving my current relationship for a while. i was in two relationships before and both were with girls, but now in my 3rd relationship, i'm with a guy. when i met him, comphet told me "well he's kind and maybe you're not a lesbian after all, maybe you're bi" but turns out i'm very lesbian and i feel bad for telling him i'm just not very into s*x when it's not true... why did i do that?? i was too vulnerable when i met him and agreed to be w/ him way too fast and i feel so horrible for being such a liar but now we've been together for so long i don't want to throw it away or to make him depressed by leaving...

but at the same time idk if i'm truly unhappy with my partner or if it's just that i can't stand my own person and by extension i dislike all interactions i have w/ everyone recently... i need to think more about it... but if i leave i'll need money. i'm going to restrict more and more to save on groceries + cut down unnecessary spendings.

one step i took that i want to share in case someone may need it: i changed my cellphone plan for a much much cheaper one and it has saved me so much money! i didn't need that much data after all + a lot of places have free wifi if i ever need it but i never use more than 9gb of data and my new plan is 12gb so it's perfect in case there's an emergency or something!

also i cancelled my gym membership, i know it sounds counter-intuitive when wanting to loose weight but i wasn't using it much bc gym bros making me uncomfortable + gyms around here are expensive and it didn't even have showers so... what i'm doing instead is going to the swimming pool since it's gentle on my joints (that 11 years of ballet ruined lmao) and water makes me feel weightless for a moment... and it's SO much cheaper too!

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ✧ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁. if you've ever been through something similar relationship-wise please feel free to share bc i need advice. thank you for reading, stay safe ♡

[hollowsart]

Which SV gym leader would you say was your favorite, and why? For me, it's Brassius. He reminds me of myself: intelligent, nihilistic, and with a wicked sense of humor.

Nihilistic?

I do gotta agree tho, Brassius is my favorite Gym Leader. He pretty.. he's also relatable. Depressed, artistic, yet despite hitting rock bottom and going through tough times, the man has lots of energy and drive. That's admirable.

But also Ryme was so cool. "When it comes to ghost types, I'm the best there is!" (Or something along those lines) ma'am.. I can and will challenge you on that, being a ghost type user myself. But also dang, I'm so impressed by her awesome skeleton hair.. she's an older woman, too, and she is so cool!!! SHE'S SO COOL. COOL OLD LADY.

Those are my two favorite gym leaders in this game

Also I think Larry is neat like a potato. And I love potatoes 🥔 💕

[frazzledsoul]

i completely agree with your latest meta. that discussion really bothered me. would people be that comfortable saying those kinds of things if in the revival he had become fat, for example, instead of “jacked” (that he “didn’t look like jess”?! that he “turned them off”???!)? just unacceptable, disrespectful and unnecessary

Honestly, I feel the criticism is a way of saying that he is fat. If you find his physique so disturbing that you feel he needs to cover up his skin in the middle of summer to avoid assaulting your eyes with it, I really don't think it's any different from fat-shaming. Obviously it's not fat, it's muscle, but what difference does it make? This kind of commentary is gross. I also saw people make comments to the effect that they found all gym bros disgusting and how much they hated them so the argument seems to be that both Jess and Milo are in some way deficient for owning a gym membership. Just highly, highly offensive all around.

And of course Jess no longer looks like the underfed, depressed teenager they remember, because he's a successful, mature adult man who has developed healthier habits since he was a teenager. I guess some fans just really don't want to accept that he grew up and became a better person, because every attribute he possesses is turned around on him and used to argue that he's actually terrible. Is he a person, or is he just a doormat for Rory to use and abuse, whose virtues are inevitably soured into something unpalatable to make her seem more like the saint people pretend that she is?

I'm just kind of done with all of it. I used to really cling to my Literati headcanons, this life that was possible for them if Rory could change as much as Jess did, and I feel that's been slowly ruined for me with every argument I read that uses Jess's poverty against him so that Rory's infidelities can be seen as justified and virtuous, the refusal to let him have any sexual or romantic life of his own, the insistence that he is deeply morally deficient while the person that hurt him is never, ever held responsible for her actions. Now I can't even enjoy the idea of Jess as a free agent living a full, vibrant life on his own, because of the degree to which people were so desperate to drag AYITL era Jess down and belittle him as a person. The whole thing just upsets me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. I'm being melodramatic. It's not like I can't still like Jess on his own or even like Literati not as the story that other people want that sacrifices one person's worth at the expense but as two independent adults who might make another go at it someday. It just feels poisoned to me right now. No one else seems to want that potential. They'd prefer to argue that everything about him is rotten, even the skin he inhabits. I hate it. And even if all of that is just me being crazy, people didn't literally have to call Milo's body disgusting.

Maybe I'll feel better about it later. Maybe not.

[liltte-missshy]

Bare minimum knowledge surrounding mental health can be the most daunting kind of topics in conversations with friends, family and/or therpists. While what I said may seem pretty broad and not well defined, I find myself in conversations with close friends and peers opening up about the hardships I've faced and continue to face when it comes to the issues surrounding my trauma.

Because I have been through many adversities and less then comfortable enviroments that have left me stunted in, I always find that the mental burdens afflicated on me will some how be "my fault'. I don't really like to frame it that way, as if I'm a self victimizing fiend who loves to be framed in the light of needing help, but I mean it in the way of when you talk to those you think have your best intrest at hand then spew garbage advice that doesn't fix the problem you have , nor does it give you what you actually may need which in my opinion would be compassion and the want to understand you more.

I can't express to you how many times I've been advised to go to the gym, drink more water, and to stop thinking so much when i've talked about feeling depressed. First, I would like to say that I think having a healthy life style is great, eating healthy when its affordable, going out for walks and seeing the beauty of nature of the trees, ponds and flowers is a great experiance. But I can't personally say that these things have given me the strength and self-esteem to push foward in life. I do agree that these things help build a healthy body, I haven't seen the same people in thoses gyms be saved from the the barbells and protein shakes either. Because at the end of the day, the battles we have within us don't just change due to a change of scenery or a better diet, because if it did I think many more lives would've been saved and later reformed for the better.

This is mostly me venting because can't even count how many times I've been told those things. Recently I told my aunt that there are certain places that I don't go to because i'm worried that I might see my ex-boyfriend. Her respond was that I needed to stop limitiing myself and to live more freely. Now....I'm going to be real that was probably the most stupidest thing I had to experience because I had told her in length about how uncomfortable I was whenever I was with him. I told her the details of the relationship and how I felt emotionally bullied and pushed into situations where he know I would be under a mircolense in front of people I don't know. I can't say how infuriated I feel when thoses specific phrases are said. How could I be the one holding myself back each time a trauma that as brought in to me has inflicted me with such negative emotions that i can't funcation like I could before a couple months ago where this wasn't even an event that could have been thought of yet.

[sehodreamsthoughts]

yeah :( i could probably go on for a while too about plus size clothing options and the limitations.. but i won’t cuz i don’t wanna make myself feel worse rn😓😓 but i agree with everything you said… work clothes is a whole thing too like u said.. especially if ur limited by what you’re allowed to wear at work (like where i work u can only wear black, no other colours) so and i like wearing black but.. it limits a lot of options.. i try to find cute tops but.. also can’t have anything too revealing.. only recently got a tank top to wear cuz it gets really hot and even then, even though the straps are really thick and the neckline is high, i’ve had people made negative comments about me wearing it.

it’s okay, please don’t feel pressured to share anything ur not comfortable with!! i was just curious.. but i really need to find smth and soon to go back to school for.. i thought about fashion.. but i simply don’t think i’m creative enough and i’m more into like… cute outfits than like.. walking art so idk. i thought about gender studies or like.. some type of humanities degree but it just makes me depressed to think about things sometimes. i deal with stuff enough day to day, i don’t want to focus on it anymore than i have to. so i’m not really sure. i really don’t think there’s anything i’d want to do for the rest of my life like that.. but.. maybe i’ll find something. or maybe i’ll just have to be an adult about it, pick something and settle.

i’d like to expose myself more to going and doing things by myself, i admire you for being able to do that, and you mentioned before you go to the gym too! i really want to start going to the gym.. but honestly at this point i just want to build more muscle, i like being strong and would like to be stronger. my arms have been getting more muscular and it makes me feel good about myself.

sorry.. i hope this hasn’t been too much of a vent or anything but😓😓 idk i’ve been feeling a little down since towards the end of my shift today.

i’m trying to distract myself now then, if riize were in a band.. or probably.. multiple bands… who would play what or have what position? in ur opinion??? me saying this as if they’re not technically literally.. a band. but i mean like for punk band concept🤭🤭

Don't worry baby, I vent a lot too hahaha

Oh god, and all black. I try to not wear too much black because my head is pretty... Idk, but I notice different things, and black in my opinion makes me stand out more and I can't help but feel nothing goes well if it's not the same kind of black because there are different blacks and if my socks and pants or shoes don't match I go insane 😭, and different kinds of black never match!

Still, I hope you find something pretty you like to wear, we all should be able to find clothes we feel comfortable wearing, and people making comments about your appearance are simply stupid, rudeness is one of the things I hate the most, no one will get anything positive out of bad comments. Please the next time they make negative comments remember that ignorance, at the end, is the ugliest trait anyone could have (And yeah, I understand the concept of not everyone having equal opportunities at studying, but respecting others is a value we all should follow, and making negative comments about someone's body is them being ignorant on purpose).

I'd tell you to keep taking your time, or if you have the opportunity, take a career test or try to study what you have in mind, I'm also really empathetic so I easily feel depressed when I see some stuff in reality, that's why I've stopped watching the news altogether and I also don't ever watch movies with animals because I feel easily sad with those cases. In the end, we all should do what we feel is correct in real life for us (while it doesn't involve harming others), and if you have to ignore certain things, block them or avoid them (they seem like synonyms I think but in my head I have a situation for each of them hahaha), just do it for your own wellness, you and your boundaries should always be your first priority.

It's okay to take your time, I actually wanted to study literature when I was young but my parents didn't like my choice and send me to do some psychological tests to see which career would be good for me (the career test and a few others), and at the end it was exactly their first option so I got tired and accepted, but I always dreamed of working with books, reading, writing and doing things like that, even working in a library, but oh well, here I am.

If you want to go to the gym I totally recommend you doing it, but I'll be honest, sometimes trainers and people there can be a little blunt, so you have to always keep your mind in what you want and how you feel, if they try to tell you things like "you can't eat this", "you have to run" even when you feel tired, etc, ignore them, tell them no or wait for them to go and do it following your limit. I've been training since I have memory so I know how some of them can be, there was one that made me do 45 minutes of cardio before and after training (a total of 90 minutes apart from my routines) and I would end up dying, and there was one that talked to me pretty rudely when I was on my period (I'm anemic) and couldn't follow his routine, etc. I have a lot of different experiences with people, good, bad, meh, and it's true that they'll push you to do more and that's kind of okay, but there are times in which they simply think that being skinny is the only purpose of exercising and become irrational, so you need to stay true to yourself and recognize your own limits (I've fainted and vomited too lol), only that way you will be able to create a good relationship with working out. (Well, that's my opinion)

Oh god a band concept, I know what I'm about to say probably doesn't match their current positions, but I've mentioned that Sungchan should definitely be the lead singer, he has the presence, the posture, everything! And I've also said this before (fanta grape) but I kind of see Seunghan with drums 😭

In the case of Eunseok, since he's my boy and I've always dated guitarists, I'd give him that position with a touch of vocals too 🥺, and in the case of Anton since he has played a classical instrument I'd say bassist, I don't know why but I feel like people that play this instrument give the vibes of classic music with the control and that touch of elegance I've seen them have, like they have a different ear to understand music (in my opinion) and I respect them a lot for that.

Wonbin I guess would be a guitarist too (duh) and Sohee... Wow, I don't know if there is one in a punk band, but keyboard? I think it'd fit him so well 😭, he could sing too and play it at the same time, and I see him more behind the keyboard than just singing and being the one taking all the attention on stage like I see Sungchan.

I'll be honest, I don't follow real bands or see band presentations so I'm not sure how many positions there are, I'm just guessing and trying to remember about the only band I've read about hahaha.

What do you think their positions would be?

[justasadcookie]

I dont know what to do anymore. Im thinking about ending my life.

When I was a child my parents were really strict and their punishments were physical. I wasnt allowed to go out, have sleepovers and stuff like that. Nowadays I would say we are on I guess I could say good terms. Especially since I moved out a year ago.

When I was 5, my kindergarten teacher sexually assaulted me.

I was bullied throwout my whole primary school.

I lost a family member when I was 15. I got raped by a police officer at 18.

Ive been in toxic relationships.

Now Im broke. Im a drug addict. Already struggling with depression and OCD.

I have a partner of 3 years at the moment. We have our ups and downs, but we are really trying and fighting for our relationship.

Ive cheated on my partner with people that I thought I could trust which I thought were my friends. I would get so wasted to the point they took the advantage of it. I would wake up in cars, from the waist down naked. One time there was a storm and this friend called me if they could go to my place, and hang out till the storm stops so i agreed naively(we used to live in the same area). I invited them in. They were drunk and really fucking high. They sat on the couch, forcefully pulled me into their lap and starting taking my clothes off and started humping me on the floor. This also happened with a previous landlord, they would come in drunk as fuck. Me being a dumb bitch asking if they could drive me to the gym. They would stop in the parking lot and force me to take my pants off and start touching me. Mind you these guys were twice my height and weight so it's not like I could fight back.

This happened on multiple occasions and I always kept my mouth shut, because they would threaten me if I ever told anyone, they would ruin my life.

Recently Ive found out I have two tumors, an autoimmune disease, thyroid disease and an undiagnosed stomach problem. Next week I have an ultrasound to find out what's going on.

My biggest dream and goal is to become a mother. I think the world is telling me that I'm useless, a waste of breath and just not worth living.

[setsumushou]

I'm down almost 10 lbs since the beginning of January, which is good news, lol. I'm actually doing it through consistent exercise and eating cleanly instead of misery, which is a good thing! I think lifestyle is very important.

My mother is always like, "I REGRET telling you to watch Top Gun," lol, and I kind of agree, but an ironic result of it is that it's depressed me to the point that I find joy in going to the gym and eating right, just seeing that number go down. Not in an eating disorder way, but in a, "I'm glad I'm trying to focus a lot more on being the best version of myself in my real life than fandom for the first time in many many years."

I'm still very lonely because, tbh, nobody irl shares any of my nerdy niche internet interests, and they are still what I care for most. That's why I am so desperate and pathetic about this, lol. I could try to go out more irl and try to make friends, but honestly, I like yaoi only. I think at best my only other bet is videogames, but I want to talk about videogames yaoi, too, lol.

[nsk96]

Another rant post because the negativity is hitting hard this month apparently. Long depressing stuff below

I feel bad about having to vent here but I can't keep a physical diary. Not to mention I lost all my diary entries from childhood because I had to tear up my diary in middle school when my parents tried to read it. To avoid something like that every happening again, I have to write everything here.

After making an update to my previous rant post, I didn't think I'd need to make another one so soon. My mom doesn't understand why I've been depressed this month and I can't tell her because she won't be able to handle the fact that it's mostly because of her. Also, I honestly hate that she says the phrase "acting depressed". Does she not believe that I'm actually depressed? Is she really equating my symptoms to the manipulation tactics of my dad? I hate that whenever I do something that she doesn't agree with, she has to say "you're getting like your father." Or does she think that she's the only one in the house with depression?

And why is she taking my depressive episode so personally? I just want some distance and space to process my emotions and she thinks crowding me asking me for answers is gonna somehow alleviate the situation? I told her I've always been dealing with this and that it comes in cycles (it started in high school around 2012). I tried my best to explain it to her and told her she didn't notice the other times. She said she did notice the other times, which I think is a lie. Maybe she noticed the minor symptoms but didn't know what it actually was (I always hid it but some things would break through). And she was like, "but this time was much worse." It only seemed worse because this time I wasn't trying to hide it. Yes, compared to previous years, the heaviness of it is worse but I've done well at hiding it. But nowadays, I'm beyond exhausted and burnt out, it's bad enough I have to hide it when I'm with my friends or among my classmates. When I get home I just want to exist alone for a few hours without someone barging in on my privacy and I just want not having to report to someone about my day. Honestly, when I am like this, I just want silence and peace. This is one of the reasons I've been wanting to move out (with a loan from my school). Just some time to decompress without someone invalidating my feelings all the time.

And it bugs me that she thinks she has me figured out. I said to her that I think I may need antidepressants and tried to explain the biology behind depression. Her answer to me was "exercise." Exercise where? Our treadmill is in the 108'F garage covered up with bags of clothes and heaven knows what. There is no space in my room to even do the toning exercises I used to do. The gazelle machine and the floor bike do nothing for me. Before we moved here, she convinced me to get rid of the weight-lifting mechanism we had because "we won't have place for it. It's either that or the treadmill." And she doesn't want me going to a gym because apparently she doesn't feel comfortable with me traveling anywhere alone besides school. A year after we moved here, we agreed to start going to a gym. When we arrived at the gym parking lot, she chickened out before we even got halfway across the parking lot and we returned to the car. "This is not a good area" she said as if she didn't already know before we got there. Every time she tells me to exercise, it's like a slap in the face. Today she was like "we can go for walks". When? When will we go for walks when both of us of difficulty getting up early on a weekend? I can handle getting up early but I don't ever see her get up earlier than 6 or 7 am unless she absolutely had to for a medical appointment or something super important. Though I understand it's not her fault but offering to go on walks with me is unrealistic.

So I was on my way back to my room and said, "I'll just join a gym then." She laughed and asked when I would go to a gym and reminded me that I don't have time to go, basically mocking how studying takes up all my time and said something along the lines of "unrealistic expectations". As if she doesn't know why studying takes up all my time. As if I haven't had this conversation with her enough times already. I replied, "I'll have the time when I get Adderall." She jokingly said, "so you're going to be one of those people who are on medications their whole life." I replied, "I'm done explaining this to you" before closing my door. Apparently she didn't hear that part and walked over to my door asking me what I said. I decided not to tell her and said I don't remember. She said, "You don't remember or you don't want to tell me?" I softly said, "I don't want to tell you," as I slowly and carefully closed the door.

I went to take a nap after, even though it was hard to fall asleep after this whole exchange. I was so physically exhausted but my mind just couldn't let go of what she said about me being on medication for my whole life. As if using the medication needed to function like a normal person is a bad thing? Like antidepressants would worsen my condition? I feel like it can't get any worse than it already has when I'm already having THOSE thoughts, and I learned that if I gotten treated early on closer to when it started, the chances of me having another episode would have decreased significantly. It's possible it wouldn't have gotten to this point.

It was easier to prevent or ignore back in undergrad because back then, there was time to do things that made me happy. Now in pharmacy school, I don't have the time do the things that make me happy. To make the time for it, means sacrificing study time that I desperately need. And I guess I wasn't as affected by my inattention issues back in undergrad because there was room for error. I still failed 3 classes over the course of 4.5 years, but there was more time overall to make up for the study time lost to my inattention issues. Not to mention, being able to hyperfocus the night before deadlines and exams to complete assignments or cram for exams. That ability seems to have decreased a lot, the more burnt out I am.

Nowadays, it's super rare for me to be able to hyperfocus. And now in pharmacy school, there isn't room for error and I'm sinking. I saw my GPA last week for the first time since spring semester. I'm at a 2.9. That's nowhere near competitive enough for getting residency. My sole goal when coming to pharmacy school, was to become a hospital pharmacist and apparently I can't do that without residency. I know there are other factors that go into choosing candidates, but how many are going to look at my GPA and decide to look at the rest of my qualifications? With a 3.0 they might take a chance but I'm already at 2.9 and it's going to decrease even more once grades go in at the end of this semester.

I attended a residency information session and it was advised that I should explain the reason for my low GPA in the letter portion...but how am I going to explain this? Undiagnosed mental disability that was ignored by my mom (who has sadly been my only support system) my whole life no matter how much I struggled, no matter how many times I wanted to give up, no matter how many times I brought up to her that I wanted help with this? Instead, it feels like it's just a joke to her.

I don't know, maybe treating things as a joke is her way to cope with not knowing what to do but at the same time it doesn't feel like she actually cares about what's going on in my head (her famous line "I don't understand you" while not making the effort to actually know me, or not making me feel safe enough to open up. I'm now 27 and finally opened up to her about being SAd at age 5 (only after she opened up about a doctor SAing her), which convinced her that I should get therapy...only for her to then change her mind again a month later telling me to wait until I get a job before going to therapy. And she doesn't expect me to get worse? After this I decided to not tell her any more about me. Up until this point, I was right not to open up to her about anything).

I want to give her the benefit of the doubt but it's been difficult especially with the hurtful/thoughtless things she has said and continues to say. She contacted the insurance company on my behalf, and helped me make an account to start searching for professionals in our insurance network, which I'm thankful for, but she only did that after I came home this month having an emotional breakdown and told her that this was normal for me but usually in the night. From the things she has said, it feels like she doesn't actually take it seriously and it feels like she only helped just because it's something I asked for, not because it's something I needed.

[0thsense]

8/8/2023

It's my birthday tomorrow. Everybody has left the south bay now. Martin, Reggie, Alex are all gone. I guess Steve is still here but he doesn't really hang out with us, or rather me anymore. I don't really know what to type here, as I haven't been thinking too intensely about too many things. The times when I'm doing worse are the times I'm more intensely in thought, so I guess I fail at thinking positively.

Anyways, I'll be 28 American years old tomorrow. My 27th year was better than my 26th year I guess. Definitely still in my bottom 5 years overall but hey its the first upward year in a long time. Maybe since college. I've managed to keep up gym and I've even started running which is slightly surprising. It's good because who knows what may have happened if I wasn't able to keep up gym. I'm planning to run my first 5 miler tomorrow. I have to wake up in the morning because I'll be eating with my family in the evening up in SF, mostly out of a feeling of obligation. I wonder if they know. I'm letting the fact that I'm not being lazy on my birthday feel symbolic.

One thing I've been telling myself is that I'm god's strongest soldier. Obviously that's not actually true, but motivationally it helps. It's one of those things that there's no harm in believing in the moment, and it brings me joy. Speaking of another thing that brings me joy, Lily and I agreed to go climbing sometime soon. She's willing to come down from SF for me, and seems genuinely interested in hanging out with me. I need to keep my mindset that I'm just trying to be there for her, though it seems I overestimated how depressed she was. Well, better safe than sorry.

I visited Yan a couple weeks ago along with Gerald. It was a spur of the moment thing, and the flight was expensive as a result. I honestly felt a little pressured into going. We did a lot of activities involving physical exertion and also hung out with his church buddies a lot. Yan is super into the culture there it seems. His lifestyle as a chad in NC honestly bothered me a little bit. He has more pride and ego than I remember and also some strong ideals about what it means to be a man, which I don't really agree with. I may be making judgments too hastily but I was disappointed at his treatment of Jeremy, a dude in his small group who seemed a little autistic. I wasn't able to express this to him. At the same time I'm glad he's obviously doing well for himself out there. According to society, I probably have no authority to judge someone who's found a lifestyle that works for them.

My next step should almost certainly be to make my sleep schedule really consistent. I'd like to sleep at 1-2am every day. The deadline for working on the game is fast approaching. I have less than 4 months left, and I've told too many people about the new york deadline. Sigh... I certainly have some mental block about coding. When I open the IDE my mood instantly sinks. I had the strange idea of treating coding like working out, doing reps of opening the IDE lmao.

Wow I thought this post would be short because I didn't feel like I had much to write about but here we are. I went to Ralph's wedding last weekend. It made me realize I've made a mistake, choosing the jolly group over Ralph's group. I just respect Ralph's close circle so much more these days than the people in jolly. They are more considerate and more secure, and jolly isn't even dank anymore. At the end of the day jolly has now devolved into a bunch of individuals who are either troubled or successful but unkind people. Obviously this is a bit of a generalization. Maybe I wasn't good enough to join Ralph's group anyways, or maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I might as well try though, since jolly in the south bay is pretty much dead.

Finally there's the issue of getting more involved with Austin's church. Unfortunately my experiences visiting Yan have turned me off even more from Christianity, but I really haven't given Austin's church a fair chance. The demographics are obviously very different so maybe it'll be a better fit, though so far my instinct tells me it's only a small chance. It'll give me something to do I guess.