#i'm so so conflicted whether I should stay in the company or whether I should leave

[wishesofeternity]

okay my boss has FINALLY agreed to raise my salary

it's really not by much :/ but it's better than nothing

[razzle-n-dazzle]

Almost made Adam Headcanon Yandere? You need to do it!!

ᯓ★ "Cus You're Mine, All Mine." (no shit I love you!) Yandere! Adam / Reader ignore my trying a little bit of a diff format

ᯓ Yandere! Adam and regular Adam honestly have a lot of parrels, at least in my mind they do, but they also have some key differences. They're both quiet obsessive and possessive in their own rights, and they both try and hide it. Yet, while regular Adam will be the type to completely deny his habits, Yandere! Adam will be quiet proud of them. "It made you stay, no?" He would ask with a cheeky, wide spread smirk on his mask. He stood behind you, your reflects seen on the dead screen of the TV, as his hands rested on your shoulder before trailing down to wrap around your waist. You could feel the claws of his hands slowly trail down, almost like they were touching your bare skin when you knew better; They weren't, at least not in this second, and yet it still felt as intoxicating as when Adam's hands did trail on your bare skin. It was almost his way of claiming you as his, outside of fucking you, and his gentle yet firm touch always got you. Even as you swallowed down some silva that formed in your mouth out of some unquenched nerves in your stomach, you felt safe with Adam. Even if his grin, which now laid next to your face as Adam rested his chin on your vacant shoulder, was slightly unnerving as he admitted to a usually bad habit. "And if I can keep you away from everyone who would want to take you from me.." Adam's husk voice whispered in your ear, "Than I think I'm doing my fucking job right. Wouldn't you agree?"

ᯓ Yandere! Adam who just always happens to know where you'll be and is there waiting for you; Not like he stalks you, of course not (he doesn't have to do that anymore),he just always has a similar schedule! Not like it's creepy or anything, most of the time he just knows you are longing for his company (like he's longing for yours) or just wants to make sure you're safe! Which is a no brainer why Adam was currently sitting at a nearby table, watching as you and Azrael, the Angel of Death, got some smoothies at a nearby shop. Neither of you had noticed him yet, he had made sure of that. He didn't want Azrael, and his god forbidden good senses, to pick up on him as he followed you both from the court room; And he didn't want Azrael to pick up on him now. It wasn't like Adam didn't trust Azrael, he was an angel and you could be in much bigger danger (like hanging out with a demon in hell!). Yet, out of all the Angels, Adam always had an yucky feeling about Azrael; He was always rather quiet and solemn, keeping to himself, yet seemed just peachy chatting with you and hanging out with you and no one else. Public or not it just rubbed Adam the wrong way. He better not be trying anything. Everyone should see you in the light Adam does, but no one had the pleasure of taking you home other than him. And that was a fact, whether Azrael wanted to admit it or not.

ᯓ Yandere! Adam who is somehow both egoistical and yet insecure, despite all the conflicts they provide. You can tell, after being around Adam for so long, when he gets jealous of other people you hang around. He'll never out right tell you, unless someone crosses a big line, but you can always see the slight scowl or pout on his lips, even behind the mask, and you get the hint to get to his side soon. Now, it's important to clarify, you go to his side out of free will, he's not dragging you there unless someone is touching you in ways they shouldn't; And even then, Adam is only dragging you back behind him and square punching the sucker in the face for even thinking they had the privilege to touch you! Adam will shit talk the guy who tried to get close to you when you come over him, saying how he was much better for several reasons (one being that he was the original dick, and thus he would always be better than any man or women) but would oddly enough point out things you didn't notice. Such as, the way they dressed, the way they carried themselves, their tone of voice, who they kept going to, and he would go on and on until your vision of that person is tainted. And he would snicker to himself as you sit down next to him, allowing him to drag you on his lap, as he knew he successfully managed to warrant away another competitor for your love.

ᯓ Yandere! Adam who knew, since day one, he wanted you and only you. It made Lute a little disturbed how quickly Adam had catch your figure in the crowd and instantly began to ask questions about you. Lute was sure you had gotten to Heaven in that week, she hadn't seen you around before, and yet that didn't seem to deter Adam. "So, I figured out who that hot Babe was from yesterday," Adam would tell Lute the next day as they sat upon the council, waiting for the next hearing. Curious, and a tad amused (as she didn't believe him), Lute would roll her eyes and amuse him. "Oh, really?" She would mumble, resting her elbow on the railing and her cheek against her fist. "Who is she then?" And Lute was certain she almost fell off of her seat in shock when Adam began to list your name, the mortal age you died and how, when you got to heaven, where you were living in heaven, possible family members, and some basic information about what you liked and didn't and your current favorite place in Heaven. She was sure Adam had gone insane, at least until he noticed and quickly gave her a cover story: He simply had met you in one of his favorite lunch places and you began talking and you two just clicked.

ᯓ Yandere! Adam who will never, ever, hurt you or anyone you care about yet take out his frustrations on the sinners of hell. Too many times have Lute had to watch, and listen, as Adam completely shredded through Sinners like they were nothing yet flies under his shoe while ranting about the last person you hang out with that got just a little too close. Lute was sure that if this kept up, Adam would not only violate some of the agreement terms that were laid with Lucifer, yet he would obliterate the overpopulation problem by killing the sinners, basically, single-handily. She wouldn't admit it yet it terrifies her a little how deep rooted Adam's love for you is, that she subconsciously began to distance herself from you just to not get on his shit list.

ᯓ Yandere! Adam who, after a long day of work, wants nothing more than to come home and lay in your arms all comfortable; And who is surprised, when walking through his apartment door with his guitar in hand, to see you sitting in wait at the kitchen island. "Adam, Honey, you're home!" You would chirp, shuffling off the bar stool and rushing over to his side; Letting out a soft bit of laughter as you noticed his slightly shocked look. Gently, you would take his guitar from him, asking in your ever sweet voice how his day was and if he managed to help keep Heaven safe. He wasn't sure why you had such an effect on his heart like this, on his whole body. Your single touch made Adam feel more alive than he did when he had been alive. Your sweet voice was like music in his ears and a drug he could never get enough of. And fuck your lips, Adam was sure he could kiss them for ever if you would let him. And so, when you reached up to take his mask off him, he would stop you. You were perplexed, a little shocked, as Adam raised his hands up to cup over your hands once they cupped his cheeks. Yet, upon seeing his face, the way it relaxed almost instantly upon your touch, all you could do was smile softly up at him. "Honey, come on, let's go sit on the couch and you can tell me everything that happened.." You would whisper softly to him, coaxing him to come and rest his body after a long day of work. And how could he say no to his darling? After this lovely, warming welcome, Adam felt like he should be the one praising and giving you such attention you bask on him.

ᯓ Yandere! Adam who waits on foot and knee if you ever need him. Yandere! Adam who would do anything to keep you with him, and only for him. Yandere! Adam who has charmed most of your friends and family. Yandere! Adam who doesn't force you to do anything but might play with your thoughts a little to get his way. Yandere! Adam who loves you more than he ever loved Lilith and Eve and makes sure you know it. Yandere! Adam who thinks, and half believes, he doesn't deserve someone like you and is selfish for handing you all to himself. Yet, also in turn, Yandere! Adam who might just die or go insane if he cannot bask in your love and affection.

ᯓ Yandere! Adam.. oh boy do you have your hands full with having him as your lover.

Home | Masterlist

ᯓ★ All posts/fanfictions posted under this blog is owned by @razzle-n-dazzle. Please do not steal, copy, or plagiarize the works! Likes, reblogs, and comments are always appreciated.

[stickthisbig]

I've started conducting job interviews at work now? It's terrifying but it turns out I'm really good at it? So if interviewing is daunting, here is my advice from the other side of the table. It turned out to be very long, so here's a cut.

When you apply:

Oh my god please spell check your resume, I beg of you.

Gimmicks absolutely will not help you. You will get so much farther with a resume that is neatly formatted and a cover letter that is straight to the point.

Make sure you count all your experience!! Internships and fellowships count as experience!! The computer system will reject you and I'll never see it in the first place!!

After you've gotten the interview:

If you're trying to get a job in a field you've never worked in (as most of the people I interview are), break down your former employment or experience into the skills you used and keep that information at hand. You used to work in food service? You have experience in delivering an experience at a high quality with basically no margin for error, and you work well under pressure. You were a telemarketer? You have experience at following a workflow and deescalating conflict.

We and every other job WILL be asking you about a. conflict management and deescalation (have examples for how you resolve conflict with coworkers, clients, and bosses) b. personal time management (how you stay organized and on schedule) c. what you do when you realize you can't handle a problem by yourself d. your strengths and weaknesses (see below) Just go on and have an answer ready. You will be asked. There will be questions you're not prepared for. Be prepared for these.

Do a little googling about the company/organization. What will become extremely clear to you immediately is whether they're going to care about you caring about the mission. Some businesses don't. Every non-profit and every government agency does. If they seem like they care, you should pretend to care.

Ask all your questions of the person who is scheduling the interview. I don't recommend trying to figure out who will be your boss and contacting them. Everybody's very busy all the time, none of us are hiring specialists, and we're using the HR staff to act as our buffer. You will look like a nuisance, not a go-getter.

Do look at a map and figure out where you're going. It's vastly preferable to call an hour ahead and say you're unsure where to go than call ten minutes late and say you're lost.

When you walk into the office:

I personally don't give a fast fuck if you come empty handed, but some interviewers HATE that, so definitely bring a notebook and a pen. It's no longer necessary to bring paper copies of your resume. If you're going to interview a lot, may I recommend dropping five or ten bucks on a sketchbook at Michaels or similar? It looks polished and also you can actually use it for things. If you need to write notes to help you remember anything from above, it's okay to write them down. Anybody who would ding you for that isn't someone you need to work for.

If you don't know what to wear: black or khaki pants, nice shirt. Preferably a blazer, but that's optional at entry level imho. Lately I'm finding that the men's sections in thrift stores have better selections? If you've got big hips, you can slit the sides of a men's dress shirt up to your waistline and tuck it in. If you have to come in jeans, wear a belt. If you only have a t-shirt, make sure it's clean and tuck it in. You don't have to prove to me you have money to get this job; you just have to prove to me that you are taking this opportunity seriously by presenting yourself neatly, because you will be expected to be dressed neatly at work.

My sibling in Christ beloved child of God, be polite to every fucking person you see. Oh my god I cannot stress to you how polite you need to be. I cannot believe that this is a thing I have to say, but I sure do! If it's close between you and another person, that snippy comment you made on the elevator WILL lose you that job. Ditto for if they walk you around to meet people. Just be THE politest motherfucker.

When you walk into the room:

When you sit down, what you are looking at is one person who is running the interview, twoish people who are related to your job, and sometimes also someone from HR, unless HR does all the interviewing. One of these people wants to be your hype man. If it's my office, it's me, I'm hype man. I want to have a dialogue with you to see how prepared you are and how good of a communicator you are. I want this interview to go fast and seamless. I'm in your corner. Don't play to the guy who's actively staring off into space. Focus on the interviewer who's most focused on you.

NEVER downplay your own experience. Getting a job you're underqualified for is a problem for future you. If you only have internships, or you only have retail, or you only have food service, or you only have work study, fuck it. You walk in there and act like you've been the goddamn president. The question of your qualifications and the question of your experience are separate. Never act like your experience doesn't count because it's in a "lesser" field.

EVERY. TIME. you are asked about your weaknesses, explain how you have used them for growth. Do not wait to be asked, just slap it in there. One of my biggest weaknesses is giving up control, so I've made a conscious effort to involve other people earlier in the process. If you're not fuckin working on your weaknesses, just try to imagine what would be a good idea. Or maybe work on them? I'm not your dad.

What I am looking for is your ability to answer my questions in a complete and concise way. If you can't give me a specific example, I want you to be able to reflect on your previous work and say "When it comes to X, my experience doing Y is relevant in this way." I am asking you for a synthesis. Most of what I need you to do in this position, I know you've never done. If there is something where I specifically need you to have done X as a professional qualification, there is nothing else you could say that would be right, so you have nothing to lose.

Keep some question in your back pocket for when they ask "do you have any questions for us." It is a hundred percent okay for this to be a softball question, but it's also okay to ask something more probing. You can ask how they handle training, town and gown relations, what the possibilities for employee development are, whether they've done any diversity initiatives, if there's a good work-life balance, what the previous person in the position is doing now, what their strategic planning is like, whatever, just something to prove you're engaged. Do not ask about leave, and do not ask a gimmicky question you saw on the internet. If you can't think of anything, just fuckin ask them how they like working there. That's perfectly fine.

This isn't the time to bring up ADA accommodations. The person who can approve that for you is almost certainly not in the room, and you put us in a super weird position. I am saying this as a person who receives ADA accommodations from my employer and did not disclose my disability when I was hired, as is my legal right. Don't bring it up until you think it would actively prevent you from fulfilling a job requirement or accessing the office. In the before times I had a dude once who called me asking if the building was accessible, because he just wasn't going to interview if it wasn't, and I was just like "...that's fair, my man, but you can come on down."

After the interview:

I fully don't care about a thank you note; I'm unlikely to see it anyway. Some people do. You may send one (1) and ONLY ONE thank you note; generally it should just go to the person who scheduled your interview. Do not, and this is so important, do not email again. I know it is the fucking worst how employers get away with ghosting people but my friend you and I cannot change that. (We do send notices to people who get interviews but don't get the job; people who don't get interviews are informed by the computer system.)

It's gonna be okay. I'm not trying to trick you; I want this to go smoothly, and I want you to demonstrate that you understand how you would use what you've already done to do what I need you to do. I don't want this to be awkward any more than you do. Actually, I want this not to be awkward more than you do, because I have to do this several more times.

[februarybluues]

enemies with benefits || 3 - can't be love.

warnings: cursing, hobie is an idiot, she/her pronouns used to describe reader, this entire fic is literally just hobie denying his feelings for you

read previous part here -- series masterlist

next part - girl (you really got me goin')

a/n: hiii!! fair warning this is not my best work, im quite disappointed in how this turned out actually. BUT! the next part is literally my favorite in the series and i am SO EXCITED to share it with you!!!

It was crazy how much your friendship with Hobie had changed since you first met him. Granted, ‘friendship’ was a stretch. You were barely friends, you barely even tolerated him. Regardless!

Over time, you noticed how his behaviour changed towards you. His rude comments and teasing insults stayed the same. – but they felt different. You noticed how ‘mate’ evolved into ‘love’, and in all honesty, you weren’t complaining. At first, the pet name was his favorite trick to pull on you; only used in instances where he wanted to be especially annoying. But, soon enough its intentions changed. Now it’s like a habit. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t stop himself from calling you that. ‘Love.’ By that point, both you and him were conflicted. Was it sincerity or spite? Did he mean it? Hell, not even he knew. Unspoken questions that you shared. It was stupid, really. I mean, he wasn’t sure if he meant it when he called you love, but he hates you? It was ridiculous. You should know whether you hate someone or not. It was one of the easiest emotions to differentiate from love. So why was he struggling so much? It was evident that you were sworn enemies. So why did his heart double in size every time he was near you?

Your relationship… improved, to say the least. After a few months, you found yourselves hanging out a lot more. – not intentionally! Hobie just so happened to tag along with you whenever you hung out with pavitr, miles and gwen. That was it. You weren’t hanging out more on purpose! Until… eventually it was on purpose.

“I’m just saying!” you lifted your hands up in surrender. You, Miles, Gwen, Pav and Hobie were sat around on an abandoned rooftop in your world. It became a frequent ‘mandatory hangout spot’ that you took immense pride in. you were arguing with miles over something. Hobie was unsure what. He didn’t quite care. He wasn’t paying attention. The light from the setting-sun danced on your skin; making you look almost angelic. and he was absolutely mesmerized by you, to say the least. You were just - perfect. “Hobie? Are you even listening?” Miles asked. “Yeah, yeah. I am.” he cleared his throat, and readjusted his posture, sitting up straight. “Oh yeah? Then what were we talking about?” you joined in, sitting down next to him; your knees barely grazed against one another, but that didn't fail to make butterflies whirl around in your heart. “Y’were talkin’ 'bout uh-” he couldn’t bullshit his way out of this situation, because he wasn’t prepared for it. Luckily, he didn’t have to. “I know my company must be sooo boring but could you at least pretend to be having fun?” You joked, playfully shoving his knee with your hand. He scoffed at you, and ignored the feeling of his face slightly burning up at the sudden contact. -- or at least he tried.

“Well ‘ave you considered bein’ entertainin’?” you put a hand on your chest, feigning offense. “Are you saying I'm not entertaining?” He tried to hold back a small smile (he failed horribly). “ ‘s true though. You’re real borin’." he fake yawned. "Fallin’ asleep right now actually.” you scoffed at him. “Well you better wake the fuck up!” “Wha’ if I don’t?” you rolled your eyes at him. By this point, Pavitr couldn’t stop whispering to miles and gwen about the supposed 'tension between the both of you’. You half-smiled. “I’ll make you.” “Oh yeah? Go on. Make me.” Miles then broke up the situation, clearing his throat. You looked back at him, confused. “Let’s not forget about the children that are present.” Gwen said, giving you a knowing look. “What do you mean?” you asked, and Pavitr quickly chimed in.

“Don’t act so clueless! You were obviously flirting with each other!”

You were quick to jump up and defend yourself. “I was not flirting with him! He’s a prick!” he nodded at that.

 “I was.” hobie said - so casually. “What?” your head turned back to look at him. His face was the same as always; smug, yet relaxed. Handsome, even. wait what? “I was flirtin’ with ya.” he confessed. he looked right into your eyes as if he hadn’t said that. You were confused. Was he being serious?

Suddenly, it fell silent. No one uttered a word. They all just - stared at hobie; almost as shocked as you were. And then he burst into laughter. “Nah i’m jus’ takin’ the piss.'' A part of you was disappointed. Everyone shared a quick laugh at that. Admittedly, He was only partially telling the truth. While he was joking– hoping his unexpected response would make you angry–, a part of him was flirting with you. And a certain someone quickly figured that out.

After that moment, Pavitr made it his top priority to pester Hobie about you. Whether it be small comments like “Did you see that look she gave you? I’m telling you! It’s true love!”, or roughly elbowing him every time something slightly romantic happened between the both of you. He even found ways to make sure you and him had time alone together. He kept this up until eventually, hobie had enough of his shit and spoke out. “Pav, man! I don’t like ‘er! Jus’ step off o’that shite, yeah?” – of course, Pavitr does not stop. If anything, it made his teasing even worse. It became insufferable. No matter how many times Hobie insisted that he hated you, Pav could see right through him; he knew him better than he knew himself. But Hobie refused to listen to him. Because he didn’t love you. He knew it, you knew it, it was obvious.

It got to a point where Hobie stormed out of the room, in a fit of rage. He’d had enough of  the relentless teasing. – needed time alone. But, only ended up lost in his thoughts. It started off normally; he was annoyed at Pav, and then started thinking about all the things he was saying, which then evolved into him thinking about you. Yeah, you were pretty, brave, and hard-working. Not to mention you were always willing to help people. You put others before yourself. But that didn’t mean shit! He was just kind of really maybe a bit fond of you. That's all!

There’s no way he loved you! What he was feeling must've been some sort of hatred he wasn't familiar with, or at least that's what he told himself. His brain was just confusing him; distracting him. Was this a trick? Was he being brainwashed? Is that why he felt so lost without you around him? No. He didn’t love you. He just tolerated you a lot. You were manipulating him. You must’ve put a spell on him. Mhm. That was the only logical explanation as to why his heart fluttered at the sight of you! He grinned at the revelation. Now that he had it ‘figured out’, it was time to one-up you.

It was time to get revenge. He’d make you pay for being so fucking irresistible. 

taglist: @elloelloello293874 @lavnderluv @ginseng-green-tea @ididntwantthisbutithappened @thatweirdgirlsposts @clown420cunt @sh-tposter2021 @wannabe-fic-reader

if you wanna be added just let me know pookie

[theharrowing]

i'm boycotting hybe merch and i think you should too

listen: i'm not going to hold anyone's feet to the fire and say "boycott or else" and i am not going to unfollow or unfriend people, but i have been thinking a lot about this, and then i saw a post on twitter basically outlining everything that i have been mulling over & then some, and it has just been on my mind all day (and tbh for a few days) and i thought that maybe if i put these thoughts out into the world, it might get people thinking.

i also realize that these thoughts would have been better if realized before black friday and current merch drops, but it is what it is. i didn't even know they were doing another merch drop because i do not pay attention.

THE AFOREMENTIONED THOUGHTS; APOLOGIES FOR BEING SCATTERED:

we are witnessing the starbucks boycott working, and although it is yet to be stated whether that is making anyone on the upper level rethink their bullshit, they have been losing billions !!! of dollars.

i think people will be like "but i don't want to hurt BTS as people," and i hear that, but i also do not genuinely think a boycott would. they are literally fucking millionaires, and it is so hard to not get on my "i don't respect millionaires or believe they have the right to exist" soapbox when i do love them so much, but i also don't think they need our money, especially right now. especially because some (if not most) money can't go to them while they are in the military anyway (although i did see something about how the artist collection proceeds still might since it was initially sold before??? idk. still they are fucking millionaires.)

i think that what would be impactful would be for people to stop buying the merch for a while to send a message to hybe that we are not in support of zionists working with BTS. a romantic, faraway dream is for them to drop scooter braun's dumbass all together, but i do not genuinely think hybe or bang pd gives a shit about much beyond money, which is unfortunate. on this note tho, we could organize an email campaign??? i am more than down??? but it would depend on a lot of you participating. (if you're down tho i will type it up right away.)

do i think we need to boycott golden as a whole? no. i mean........i'm not buying the album because i have personally been more or less boycotting merch since the whole angel pt. 1 debacle, but i think that streams are fine bc they hardly bring in money anyway. but i am boycotting the justin timberlake and usher remixes because.......well, sorry but the favs are problematic.

[going to center myself and my feelings quick and i apologize...] i just cannot get through a day without sobbing uncontrollably about what is happening in gaza. and i cannot, in good faith, support zionists or people who work with them. this falls in line with BTS preaching for us to "love yourself, speak yourself." everything they have stated in UN speeches and in many of their lyrics makes me feel like the only thing i can do as a fan is stand up for injustices when i see them, and hybe working with zionists is a huge injustice. and if you disagree.......idk. i cannot sympathize with or understand you; this post is not for you.

i think it is a huge injustice to what BTS instills in people and makes them believe if we sit back while hybe does whatever the fuck they want without caring about the consequences.

(disney is also on the list, by the way, of companies that support israel. if you need illegal links to disney+ bts content, we can figure something out.)

also, i will say that while silence is violence and choosing neutrality is choosing the side of the oppressor, i wonder if the reason none of the guys are speaking out about the conflict has to do with their enlistment (aka something pertaining to matters i do not understand within the korean government) or within the company itself because they work with scooter et al (aka bang telling them to stay quiet.) whatever the reason is, i guess i am choosing the side of wishful thinking right now. i have absolutely no proof for any of these thoughts, but i do see some people angry at BTS for not speaking up, and while i agree that everyone should use their platforms, i am wondering aloud whether there might be a reason for it. this is not me making excuses for anyone, though........i just don't know. i have no idea.

SOME FINAL FINAL THOUGHTS:

at the end of the day, we can only do what we can. if you can only boycott so much, you can only boycott so much. it takes time and effort to radicalize to the point of cutting out so many unnecessary things what we deem as "necessary." but it is possible. your money does make a difference, and wouldn't you want that difference to be good? and if you do have a moment of weakness, it is important to continue to stay the path and do not let guilt make you feel one way or another. we all make mistakes but the important thing is that we try.

ALSO if you want cute merch, support independent artists!!!!!!!!! the BTS army is full of amazing creatives and your money can help them for a little while instead!!!

i might be missing a lot, like i said, my brain is super scattered. but if this resonates or speaks to you or there is more i should consider, please reach out.

[dominimoonbeam]

Domini!! Wa-hoo, I am vibrating with excitement at the prospect of sending in a request to you. Now, I'm sure you already know I'm going to ask for Milo/Sweetheart as the pairing, because, I am me. As for the prompts, I'm going to send you a few from each list and let you choose from the list, as many or as few as you feel fits with your ideas. Please feel free to adapt to your liking. Thank you thank you thank you for considering to take on my request, and no pressure to do so if you've got other ideas to chase. I'm excited to read whatever you chose to write! No matter what, have fun, my talented and kind friend!

[ WAIT ]: realizing the receiver is about to leave the room, the sender hastily reaches out and catches their wrist, preventing them from continuing their departure.

[ GAZE ] : sender watches receiver from across a crowded room.

[ WRAP ]: when sitting astride a horse/motorcycle/etc. together, the sender reaches back, takes the receiver’s wrists, and gently pulls their arms around the sender’s waist in an embrace designed to keep the receiver safe, despite feeling remarkably intimate.

[ GUIDE ] : in order to guide the receiver, sender presses a hand against the small of their back.

ROMI!!!!! Thank you so much for this ask!! I don't write nearly enough Milo/Sweetheart but they steal the show when I bring them into other fics!

I got all of these EXCEPT for [Wrap] and I'm now planning to turn my college au into a series and put that into it with Milo/Sweetheart and Milo's motorcycle... It's happening!!

Until then, here's the first fic. <3 <3 <3

Milo/Sweetheart. Early relationship moment.

He hadn’t expected to see them there, but maybe he should have.

The bar was a popular empowered hang out, and one that was known for a mix of clientele.

“What’s wrong?” Asher asked over the music, leaning onto his shoulder and casting his gaze through the crowd.

Milo tore his eyes off of Sweetheart, pivoting into Asher instead of away. “What?” He pretended not to know what he meant. “Did you lose the boss already?”

Asher’s eyes grew and he whirled around to catch David trying to walk back out now that a bunch of the pack were in the door, getting drinks and arguing about table location preferences. “No! Nonono! You have to stay for at least two drinks!” Asher was calling, laughing and grabbing David before he could escape. They had been out on a job and then gone to dinner before Asher spotted the bar and decided they needed a few beers before going home. He was on a rant about bonding and team building again, like they hadn’t all been a family longer than the company had existed.

But Asher wasn’t wrong, about trying to pull David along. He had gotten distant the last year since he became alpha. Asher was just doing what he could to get everyone back in sync.

The last thing they needed was Milo possibly dating a Department agent. He and Sweetheart had danced around the topic the few times it had come up, neither sure what sort of conflicts of interest they were flirting with by….well, by flirting with each other.

More than flirting. He’d helped them catch a shade and they’d patched him up and stayed the night. They were something but whether that something was friends that sometimes shared a bed or something else, he didn’t know.

Milo leaned against the bar, half in a conversation with Arden and David. His gaze strayed again. It was too easy to find Sweetheart in the crowd. The group they were sitting with were clearly Department. Sweetheart wore a tight smile, polite but not entirely interested while the others carried on and laughed. And then their gaze cut to him. He knew instantly that they’d already seen him, probably when the pack first walked in.

Their smile softened, reaching their eyes, and Milo felt like he might fly. He smiled back.

Their eyes narrowed at something someone at their table said, their attention swinging back to their group, smile gone. The group looked back at Milo. He sipped his beer and pretended not to be looking at the stealth across the room.

Unfortunately, David was looking right at him, eyebrow lifted.

Milo flushed and swallowed the beer in his mouth.

“You know them?” David asked, something unreadable in that question.

Milo almost lied. He could say he didn’t know them and try to make that true—try to convince himself that he really barely even did. But as soon as he considered it, he knew it was bullshit. He knew Sweetheart’s smile, he knew their laugh, the way they threw a punch, and what an absolutely rough healer they were. He knew how their hands felt on him, how they moaned, and how they kissed. He knew how smart they were, how quick their thoughts moved, and that they were a good person. “The Stealth, yeah.”

David sipped his beer and glanced at the table again and then back to Milo. “Department?”

Milo nodded but didn’t look.

David frowned, seeming to choose his words carefully.

Milo waited, shoulders pulling close. Was he going to tell him what a bad idea that was? How they didn’t need some Department agent in their business right now? David had already been dealing with so much this last year…

“You’re okay with that?” David asked.

Milo blinked.

He looked uncomfortable, the way David always did when he felt like he had to tread personal ground. “I know how you feel about your dad, Milo… His career was hard on you guys.”

Milo stared at him, surprised. He felt a pang of guilt that he’d thought David would be worried about anything else. “Yeah. I mean, it was hard, but this… I don’t know. It’s new. It might not be anything. But they’re…” He tried to find the right words and failed.

David nodded like he understood and took another swig of his beer. “You should probably catch them before they go then.”

“What?” Milo swung around in time to see Sweetheart cutting through the crowd toward the exit, alone.

He cast a quick look around, the table of Department employees had scattered, some having left and some moving on to the dance floor or to the bar for more drinks.

Milo pushed away from the bar and left his barely touched beer.

They moved so easily through a crowd, but they weren’t in a hurry and he intercepted them before the door, catching their wrist to stop them. The way their hand turned to link with his told him they knew it was him even before they turned around. The worry he’d had that he was overstepping, possibly putting them in a bad position with their colleagues, fell away when they looked at him. They looked surprised, in the best way, something bright in their eyes.

“Hey,” they said first, looking down at his hand and theirs.

“Hey,” Milo said back. “Is this okay?”

Sweetheart sighed, nodding. “I was going to ask you that.” They glanced past him to the pack at the bar. “I don’t want to cause problems for you…”

Milo smiled, lifting their hand in his to brush their knuckles against his lips. “I think you’re going to cause me plenty of problems, Sweetheart, but not like that.”

Sweetheart smirked, biting at their lip to try to hide it. He loved when they did that. “So, we’re a thing, Milo Greer?”

Milo almost laughed. No one had ever said his name like they did. “Yeah, we’re definitely a thing. If… If you’re okay with that?”

Sweetheart nodded, stepping up to close that small distance between them. They kissed him. It was chaste but it was public and that was a first. His heart fluttered in his chest and they were blushing when they stepped back.

Milo glanced back, more than a few of the pack watching them.

“Do you want to make a run for it, Sweetheart, or do you want to come meet some people?” he asked, hoping they heard in his voice that both options were absolutely okay by him. He’d go anywhere with them.

For the first time since he met them, he saw Sweetheart hesitate, looking past his shoulder at the pack like they were intimidating. It would be laughable after having seen them run headlong at a damn shade if it wasn’t making his knees weak. They put real consideration into this. Of course, he’d like them to put that level of thought into actual danger but, he could appreciate this too.

They swallowed and nodded. “Let’s meet some people.” They pushed their shoulders back and chin up, fearless as ever once decided.

Milo touched the small of their back, falling in at their side and gently guiding them forward. “No one’s going to give you trouble, and if they do, you can take ‘em,” he said low, close to their ear. It earned him a laugh and a grin. He kept his hand against their back when they reached the bar and the pack. He liked the way their heartbeat calmed down when his hand was there, the way they subtly leaned back into his touch, and the way they trusted him to guide them.

He was already determined never to let them regret that.

[problems-exe]

Question for Lu and Prim, how did they become friends?

Hi!! Thank you so much for the question omg, I am always so excited to talk about them, haha. I'm so happy that people are as interested in them as I am!!

Also sorry that this reply is a bit long pfftsgaha

I've hidden it under the cut!! :D

The way they became friends is a bit complicated, but essentially, Prim first came across Lu when they were around 23, and she was 20. One night, Prim had decided to go do some graffiti in a random au, sitting on top of a building. While painting, the Bad Sanses showed up to cause some chaos.

Prim had frozen, feeling conflicted on whether they should step in and do something or not. After all, they likely had more skill in fighting than anyone else in this au did. But, at the same time, they knew the Star Sanses would step in at some point. Their decision was made for them when the Star Sanses appeared whilst Prim was mid thought.

Prim decided that maybe they could stay and watch the fight. Just for a few minutes. It was dark out, and they blended well into their environment. There was no way they would be spotted, right? At this point, it had been 12 years since Prim had seen any of the Star Sanses, so you can't blame them for being atleast a little bit curious.

They were surprised to see that there was seemingly a new member of the Star Sanses, one they had never seen before. And that's where Lu comes in.

Prim was completely shocked. For multiple reasons. But mostly because it was obvious to them that this was another outcode kid. And they hadn't known that there was another one of them within this multiverse. They ended up watching the fight for longer than they had intended. They were pulled out of their shock by a large object hitting the building they were residing on, an attack from one of the Star Sanses. The building started to collapse, and this is when Killer noticed them. Calling out that they had an observer.

This got the Star Sanses attention, including Lu's, who was just as shocked to have seen Prim as Prim was to see her. Lu had heard of Prim, of course. Not much, since the Stars seemed to avoid the topic as much as possible, but she did know about them. She never got to meet them before they seemingly went missing, going to live with Reaper.

Prim disappeared before they got the chance to talk.

Prim starts to be a bit less careful when traveling aus. Traveling to ones they know could be attacked at any point, or ones that the Star Sanses had seemingly full protection of. They weren't going to admit it to themselves, but a part of them did want to see the Star Sanses again. And apart of that, was their curiosity involving Lu.

Weeks later, after the fight, they find Lu alone. Sitting on top of a building in a mostly positive au, one that Dream frequents often. One that Dream had brought them to as a kid.

The two of them talk. Despite having fairly different personalities, they get along well.

It was nice for both of them to have that solidarity of both being outcode kids.

They became, not quite friends, but acquaintances, and Lu promised to not tell Dream that she'd seen them. As long as Prim would visit. It wasn't to blackmail them. If Prim had disagreed, she'd keep their secret anyway. But she wanted to get to know them better. And this seemed like as good of an excuse as any.

And so, they made a schedule. Meeting at the same place every time and talking, eventually becoming actual genuine friends. They keep meeting eachother even after the original deal isn't needed anymore. They find that they enjoy eachother's company quite a lot, and really wouldn't mind having the other stick around.

They love eachother alot :)

Thank you so much again for the question!! I know this has a lot of exposition but I hope it answered it properly!!!

[phaticserpent]

You Call This ‘Fate’?

You’re friends with Helen Cho and she promises you the ‘best night of your life’ at Tony’s party. You didn’t really expect to get caught in the conflict between Ultron and the Avengers

Warning: Mention of character death, angst, slight fluff

NOTE: this was honestly the 1k fic i was planning to do....but I didn’t like it and the pacing, so this is just a drabble. So, THIS IS NOT THE 1K FIC (enjoy this while I try to rewrite something else)

Word count: 2,716

It had been some time since you and Ultron met; it was unfortunately, through Tony's luxurious party. 

You were invited to the grand party on the Avengers Tower, though you were a little skeptical. Your friend, Dr. Helen Cho insisted on your company. You constantly reassured that she would do fine on her own and how she wouldn't even have to worry, but she managed to convince you. So here you were, standing awkwardly with people that have higher class than you. Feeling overwhelmed, you slipped away to a more less crowded area, which was the bar. 

"Hey (Y/N)," Natasha greeted and you awkwardly smiled. "Want a refresher?" 

"Yes please, just water." You smiled. She nodded in understanding and you waited patiently for your drink. Soon enough, Natasha pushed over a tall drink of cold water. "Thanks so much." 

"Not a problem." She winked. "So how are you liking the party?" 

"Oh, it's a little too class for me." 

"Ah, I get it." She nodded. "Well, you're always free to rest up here, I can personally ask for a private room for you." 

"Oh, no need." You smiled. Before you could thank Natasha, your friend walked up to you. 

"(Y/N), come, come join us!" Helen laughed. You shot Natasha a grateful look before being pulled away by Helen. "Are you enjoying the party?" 

"I should ask you that." You laughed. "How are you enjoying it? Is Thor the man of your dreams?" You and Helen burst out laughing as she tried to hide her flushed face. 

"Oh, I don't know." She finally said. "He has a girlfriend, I don't want to come between them." 

"Ah," you silently panicked. "I'm sure you'll find someone better! Hey, who needs Avengers as a partner? They'll be awful boyfriends anyways." You did your best to reassure her and she was grateful. She insisted that you could leave as the party died down, but you insisted upon staying. 

You were just exiting the bathroom when the Avengers were settled in a certain area, including Helen. You silently made your way over as they were in the midst of debating whether or not they were worthy. Worthy of what? You watched as each member took turns in trying to lift Mjolnir. 

"Widow?" They all glanced at Natasha, who seemed shocked at their suggestion. 

"Oh no, that's not a question I need answering." She declined. There was slight laughter as they continued to debate about it. The atmosphere was interrupted with a piercing ring, and everyone immediately doubled down or covered their ears. 

"No…." A metallic voice rang out and everyone turned to the source. "How could you be worthy? You're all killers." 

"Stark?….." 

"Jarvis….." Tony started, clicking at the buttons impatiently. 

"I'm sorry, I was asleep." The robot answered. "Or I was a-dream." 

"Reboot Legionnaire OS….we got a buggy suit." Tony instructed, but nothing happened. 

"There was a terrible noise……And I was tangled in….in strings." The robot looked down to emphasize their claim. "I had to kill the other guy. He was a good guy." 

"You killed someone?" 

"Wouldn't have been my first call," it replied. "But, down in the real world we're faced with ugly choices." 

"Who sent you?" Thor interjected. In which the robot played back a recording. 

"I see a suit of armor around the world." 

"Ultron!" Bruce realized, turning to Tony. You couldn't see their expressions, but you knew they were shocked. 

"In the flesh." It exclaimed. "Or, no, not yet…..not this chrysalis." You eyed Agent Hills and how she had her gun cocked. 

"(Y/N)–" Helen grabbed your arm. 

"I'm on mission." 

"What mission?" 

It turned to look directly at Natasha, "peace in our time." Just then, there was glass shattering everywhere. You and Helen immediately ducked down from the commotion as you heard gunshots being fired. Helen quickly dragged you away from the chaos, hiding behind a piano. You and Helen watched as the Avengers battled against Tony's Iron Legion; you had been a little distracted when Helen tugged on your sleeve, she was backing away from an approaching suit. You tried to intervene and stick yourself in between, but she held firmly. Steve immediately rushed to your aid, tossing the suit to Thor, who crushed it with his hammer. "That was dramatic." 

"Are you two okay?" Agent Hills asked you both; the two of you nodded. The chaos ceased and everyone stared warily at Ultron. 

"I'm sorry, I know you mean well. You just didn't think it through…..you want to protect the world but you don't want it to change." Ultron sighed. "How is humanity saved if it's not allowed to…..evolve? With these?" He picked up a fallen Iron Legionnaire before tossing it away. 

"These puppets. There's only one path to peace. The Avengers' extinction." He claimed, but Thor quickly threw his hammer as the suit crumpled to the ground. That night ended on a dim notice, you quickly dismissed yourself back to the hotel you and Helen were staying at.

"Get back safe." She gave you a tired smile. 

"You're not coming?" 

"Tony insists on me staying for a while, but I'll get back later." You nodded in understanding as you bid farewell to the other Avengers. You couldn't help but feel a little uneasy as you went outside to walk through the city streets, and that dread never wavered even after you entered your hotel room. 

Ever since then, you had one run-in with Ultron. You were on your way to visit Helen, when you stood in the hallway between the exit and Ultron. There was no way you could hold him down while the Avengers were on their way; the only reasonable outcome to your survival was to point out a mistake of his. 

"Are you seriously going to escape in a truck from our lab?" You questioned. To which he just stared at you quizzically, before recollecting his error. "For an artificial intelligence, I thought you would be smarter than that." Now you were just testing your luck. 

"And what would you have me do?" 

You were hoping you wouldn't be blasted on the spot; your plan consisted of two Ultron, which meant that he would have to bring his backup. The backup would oversee the Vision, while the current one would get away, in case anything happened. So the other Avengers wouldn't be suspicious. You then added, "that's just my thoughts…..you could do it your way." You just hoped that Helen was okay. 

"Let's say I go with your plan, where do you recommend me to hide? A hotel?" Ultron snorted sarcastically. 

"You can't just fly back to your hideout?" 

"Chances are, they'll fly here with a quinjet, which could pick up my signal before I could leave the premises." 

"Oh." You sighed. "Well….I do have a place in mind." 

You didn't know why you were letting an 8ft tall A.I into your home. You stood awkwardly as he stood a couple of meters from you. 

"You're really something." Ultron let out a throaty chuckle. "Letting me into your home, just…like…that." 

"I will throw you out the window." You snorted. Ultron opened his mouth but you interrupted him, "if I hear one more snarky thing out of your mouth, I will alert the Avengers." 

"That's funny," Ultron started. "You're acting as if I haven't cut communications here." Your smile dropped as you reached for your phone. Ultron stood smugly as you noticed the lack of signal. 

"You lil shit." You breathed. 

"Well, you better let me leave in one piece if you want your signal back." Ultron bargained. You sighed in defeat and nodded. As it grew closer to midnight, you were fighting every urge to fall asleep. You haven't even showered, in which you could feel Ultron silently judging you. "Aren't you going to–"

"Shower? Sleep? Hardly, with you near me." You scoffed. Ultron just rolled his eyes. "How can I trust that you won't leave?" 

"You're just going to have to trust me." Ultron sighed. ".....I really don't have anywhere to go." You turned to face him, a little startled by his tone. Deciding to trust him, you slipped into the bathroom to finally take a shower. Though you were still paranoid, you finished quickly before nearly running out of the bathroom once you were clothed, to see Ultron sitting on the couch. He seemed rather bored. Well, if I were an intelligent being, I would be bored too. 

As you walked down the stairs, Ultron turned to look at you. "Told you I wouldn't leave." 

"Uh-huh." You scoffed. "What next? You're gonna tell me to sleep?" 

"Yes." He said nonchalantly. You rolled your eyes as you sat down on the couch. He then stood up and began walking to your bedroom. He seemed to wait for you, turning a bit to make eye contact. You let out a huff before following. Ultron stood by the doorway, his arms crossed as he stared at the bed. "Huh, that's going to be a problem." 

"What, is my bed too small for you?" 

"I can sleep on the couch." Ultron insisted. 

"You sleep?" 

He sighed, "I have a power down mode." Before he turned around to leave, you instinctively grabbed his arm. Which he quickly yanked away from your touch. "Don't." 

"Don't….leave." You pleaded. His eyes scanned your eyes before tilting his head up in defeat. "Besides, how am I supposed to know you won't sneak off in the middle of the night? You could kill me in my sleep for all I know." 

"I would never." He growled. Though you held your ground, he could see the slight fear in your eyes at his tone. Ultron inched away from you as you cleared your throat. 

"W-well if you wouldn't, then get in the bed." You responded. Without a single protest, he gently put his weight on the bed, pausing when it creaked dangerously. He gave you a look that you ignored. "Move." You scoffed, pushing him to the edge as you settled on the other half of the bed. 

The two of you remained awake. "My systems deem you as a threat….I won't be able to power down if you're near." 

"Sucks for your system, I'm not going to sleep until you power down." You declared. Ultron let out a huff and you smiled to yourself. Soon enough, you could hear a faint sound of him shutting down. It was….strangely human; though the sound was very machine-like, you could feel that he was sleeping. Like how you could tell when people were drifting to sleep. Dismissing your thoughts, you eventually drifted off to sleep a couple minutes after. 

You felt warm, a little too warm. Without opening your eyes, you could see that it was morning and your room was illuminated by the sun. You cracked your eyes open but you were confused by what you saw. Instead of seeing your bedroom floor, you saw shiny metal. Slowly, you pulled away and your arms felt numb. As your eyesight became clearer, everything else was suddenly transparent. Ultron had his arms around you and you had clung onto him during the night. You tried to pry yourself away, but his grip was unbearably strong for someone being in power-down mode. You dreaded his reaction when he woke up. As if on cue, you could hear his systems whir back to life and your face paled as he blinked. 

Ultron froze as your wide eyed expression came into view. "Morning." You awkwardly greeted. Quickly, he pulled his arms away, allowing you to distance yourself. 

"Uh, morning." He replied. "I'm sorry about…the night." 

"N-no no, don't be. It happens." You stammered. Though, you were curious about one thing. Ultron had his back to you, and you took advantage of that by gently placing your hand on him. "Although….you are strangely warm." 

Ultron tensed from your touch, but he didn't pull or push you away. "I designed myself that way….to reflect basic human bodily functions; I can warm myself and cool myself." 

"That's really cool….you really put a lot of thought and research into it." 

"....thank you." Ultron sighed. You could feel the shift in his gears as his body loosened. Awkwardly, you retracted your hand from him. "Aw, I was just getting used to your touch." He drawled. 

"Pity." You pouted before getting out of bed. "I take it, you don't eat." 

"Ha ha," He laughed sarcastically. "Of course I don't eat. Haven't really gotten to that part yet." 

"You're seriously missing out." You sung out. Ultron just rolled his eyes as he quietly yearned for your touch. 

"Tell me about it." He chuckled. Soon enough, Ultron followed after you, into the kitchen where he peered down. 

"I'm sure the Avengers are no longer near, so you're free to leave." You felt his looming presence behind and over you. You turned to face him, "thanks for not killing me." 

"Pft, you sure are charming." Ultron laughed. 

"I try to be." You grinned. He shook his head in astonishment before he settled down. "Wait…..do you…..?" You searched his optics and Ultron silently panicked that you had figured him out. 

".....you laughed! You find me funny!" You beamed. He thanked that you were a little slow. 

"Of course, I have a sense of humor." He said it like he was offended by your observation. "To be honest, I'd rather stay…..just for a few minutes." 

"Oh, uh….yeah, sure! It's your decision, not mine. You're welcome to leave anytime." You turned away to continue prepping breakfast. Ultron didn't know what this new emotion was, he was feeling something but he couldn't explain it. It took everything in him to hold himself back from hugging you. Though, he promptly stopped himself by focusing on your breakfast. 

"Is that it?" 

"What?" You asked. "I don't have time to cook a full meal." 

"Take that out of your mouth." Ultron sighed. "I'll prep you something." You hesitantly pulled the bread out of your mouth as he started filing through your refrigerator. 

"...seriously, I can't eat that much for breakfast." 

"Cause you keep eating small." Ultron dismissed. You huffed and set the bread aside, slowly moving to the couch to wait. You slumped on the couch, trying to ignore the gnawing hunger. "Don't slouch." He barely gave you a glance. 

"Jesus…." You breathed out, fixing your posture before flipping through your phone. The signal was back on. You didn't dare to call for help, as Ultron was comfortably making breakfast but you were curious from the endless onslaught of messages. Your eyes widened and your heart ached at the news; Helen Cho was attacked and harmed. She didn't make it and the person who harmed her……..

Was in the same room as you. You set your phone down just as Ultron proudly announced that breakfast was ready. You had no explanation how, but the spark and light in his eyes disappeared when he saw your expression. 

"What?" He asked. "....what's wrong?" 

"Ultron, did you….you…..what did you do to my friend?" You breathed, trying to suppress yourself. "Helen…." There was a long pause. He was as still as a statue and you were convinced you were talking to one. 

Ultron slowly placed the pan on the counter before speaking,  "(Y/N), I….." The pause was unbearable, and it didn't matter how carefully he would word it, your best friend's murderer was standing in front of you.  

"Ultron…..I'm going to ask one more time, what did you do to my friend?" You felt the tears rise in your eyes. Your rage only grew when he couldn't meet your eyes, but that action alone told you everything you needed to know. "Get out." 

"(Y/N) please–"

"Get. Out." He quickly left without another word. Once you knew he was gone, you fell to the floor and quietly sobbed. In truth, he was on the opposite side of the door. His fists clenched in regret and hatred as he heard you cry. He left momentarily, unable to handle anymore of your sobs. You were overwhelmed with all the emotions; grief, anger, hatred, sadness, shock, perhaps even relief that he hadn't killed you, or disappointment that he hadn't killed you. At least you would’ve been reunited with your friend then. 

[durgesupremacy]

durge fic writing process thoughts: guilt versus shame

Write whatever you want! Headcanon your best life! And, I noticed a pattern in how I think about durge's character arc, especially because I'm currently writing an evil-to-the-end durge. No one asked for this (though asks are open!) but here it is, some rambling on how my durge(s) feeling guilt vs shame for their urges impacts whether they choose violence / stay evil.

(apparently the brand for this blog is Long Post Only)

I have a *lot* of oc durges. I'm writing Solace (they/them wood elf rogue / fighter) because they're the only one who fully pursues Gortash pre- and post-tadpole and I want to write durgetash rn. But in my weird personal multiverse of durges, the ones who were self-satisfied and confident pre-tadpole are the ones who become more "good" post-tadpole. The durges who were the most troubled pre-tadpole are more likely to do evil things, or at least be morally flexible.

Why? For me, a durge who experienced some kind of self-confidence, fulfillment, and/or pleasure during their time as a Bhaalist murder baby enters tadpole life with a seed of self-acceptance. Though they can't remember why, their amnesiac self has some preexisting inclination to like themselves for who they are and have more trust in their own judgment. They experience their urges for a second first time with enough security in themselves to reject them. They feel guilty, but they don't think this is who they are. (The internal conflict at this point is accepting their villainous past, which will be differently fun to write if I ever do it).

But a durge who moved through their Chosen of Bhaal phase with fear, insecurity, and/or low self-worth enters tadpole life with vestiges of self-loathing. Their broken brain leaned into traumatic rewiring, and when they re-encounter their urges they're predisposed towards self-hate and identify with the urges instead of challenging or rejecting them. Being Bad makes more intuitive sense to them than being, idk, Good with a Serious Problem. Something is wrong with them. They feel shame.

But without their memories, they don't really know why. Depending on party composition they can get praised and rewarded for the things they feel ashamed of. And in time, they realize they don't have to feel shame - after all, it's their reaction. They can react differently. If they stop fighting their "true nature" they can finally enjoy themselves. They'll even get rewarded for it and more or less have what they need to survive. (There's a whole other point of analysis here on companion interactions and community vs isolation, I can write that at some point if we're into it).

Ultimately, my post-tadpole self-loathing villain-arc durge is tempted not just by the urges, but by not feeling bad about themselves. Without their memories of who they were and why they should feel ashamed of that, they have the freedom to indulge in their worst traits. It might look like self-acceptance, but it's not. They just stopped caring about anything and followed the dopamine. And the more they give in to their "true self," the more inevitable it seems to them that their only path towards meaning and worth is through Bhaal. (At least it makes Solace go perfectly with Gortash. Misery doesn't love company so much as it hates being alone).

I guess this feels worth saying because I've seen nuanced discussion about durge's capacity for redemption, but the evil arc for durge seems mostly like them leaning into misc Bhaalist insanity and/or being very comfortable in their evil. I'm curious about (and enjoying) writing an evil durge that's less unhinged and is experiencing more relatable emotional arcs, even when we can't relate to their stabbing. Hopefully.

Stay tuned for more rambling

[amemenojaku]

Askgame 001: Seija/Shinmyoumaru

When I started shipping it if I did: Right when the full version of DDC came out, so... more than 10 years ago... It's hard to believe it's been a full decade LOL

My thoughts: They've been my favorite touhou pairing ever since then so I have a lot of thoughts, but in general I think they're one of the most interesting relationships in the series (and ZUN's favorite in DDC apparently >:3), whether it's interpreted as romantic or not. That being said, there's clearly some kind of affection or attachment in canon given how much they've interacted and how they stuck together in the end despite how things started, and that makes me really happy. I love the push and pull, the "we're partners in crime and then I turn on you and then we're together again etc" of it all... It's just really really good.

The other day I was talking with a friend about the amount of canon content they got for a duo that isn't made of main or recurring characters, and it's actually... a lot... A lot more than I would've believed 10 years ago at least!!

Things done in fanworks that annoy me: I'm not super vocal about it because I did it too back in the day, when there wasn't much to work with besides DDC's basic plot, but with everything we got now I have a hard time enjoying works where Shinmyoumaru's just a poor victim of Seija's lies and nothing else. Or the other way around where there wasn't any conflict and manipulation at all, although that's much more rare lol (but I've seen it)...

Things I look for in fanworks: The main appeal to me nowadays is how they change one another in a way that just wouldn't happen in their interactions with other characters, so I'm very fond of works where her meeting with Seija allowed Shinmyoumaru to finally know freedom, or how Seija somehow both mellows and gets worse when Shinmyoumaru's around, etc. Something else I love to see is pre-DDC works where Shinmyoumaru is aware of Seija's lies but rolls with it anyway. I think it goes well with the previous thing of Shinmyoumaru finally getting to live the life she wanted; she gains something from being a pawn anyway, so why would she care?

Also I am a very simple person and seeing Shinmyoumaru sitting on Seija's shoulder or Seija holding her in her hands (and being gentle as she does so, unconsciously) is always the best to me and I hope people continue drawing/writing that. I eat it up

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Realistically, no one lol. I love what happens when you add Reimu to the equation (and Marisa for even more of a mess), and Reimu/Seija is by far my favorite rarepair, but I don't think any of it would work the way seishin could work (with all its ups and downs, but work nonetheless)...

My prefered future/ending for them: I think they should stay the way they are forever :] I'm serious I think it's already perfect the way it is, with the push and pull and sometimes they fall down and they get back together and they annoy everyone in the process etc. I do think Seija's gonna outlive Shinmyoumaru eventually but that part isn't something I enjoy thinking about, as opposed to other pairs where it's a big aspect of it.

What is their favorite activity together: Going places they haven't seen before (mostly for Shinmyoumaru, I think Seija's been around long enough to know most of Gensokyo), and just moving outdoors in general. There's no way either of them can sit still inside for a while without going nuts. And there's more people to bother outside anyway!! I love pictures of Shinmyoumaru exploring nature and I think Seija who spends most of her time outdoors anyway would appreciate the company, regardless of what she says about it.

[dojae-huh]

I'm going to write a sad and serious post, so if you are still in the mood to celebrate NY, please skip it and read later.

Doyoung looked happy during the end of year concert, so, touch wood, he wasn't too affected by the MC scandal. I hope he learnt how to withstand and wait out personal attacks by now. He has been an idol for a long time, and had many a trouble.

I was a bit surprised that only 3 people unsubscribed from me in the past days. Either few subscribers read me regularly, or I successfully weed out the weak ones (I have a high subscribe/unsubscribe rate).

I'm not very eloquent with my words. I often come off too harsh and don't deliver my point of view well. I'm coming back to the topic of online virtue-signalling, "do good" pressure, witch-hunting of idols as I need to clarify a few points.

On the first glance it might seem like I'm behaving like a fan who protects one's bias. Actually, I would defend any idol who is accused of things he/she didn't do/that weren't proven. My opposition is to the mob, to the cancelling culture, to the people who use nice pretext to be awful humans. Their power is strong, they crush not only celebreties, but grind in the mix other fans as well. And I want more people to learn how to withstand this type of bullying into complience with the mob's POV.

The masses are often wrong. And a minority often looks like it represents the opinion of the majority, when in reality media and socmed algorythms just favour loud confrontational people and people who earn being "spokepersons". You don't have to pick a side if you don't want to. You don't need and you actually can't have an opinion on every subject. You can and should hear out people you disagree with or who has bad sides to them (like being a homophobe). A person possessing a bad character or view still stays a source of information you can learn from.

You will be pressured by "well-meaning" people into action "for the cause". Not just pressured - bullied. You won't be given a chance to question the cause, its revelance to you, whether there is a point to it, will the associated campaign bring any positive change really. Swear words, accusations of lacking morale, empathy, threats of being cancelled would be thrown at you if you won't comply. So the task is to learn to see through the wall of trigger words and mass histeria, to be able to ask questions and think and decide for oneself.

I didn't follow the Korean fans vs Indonesian fans fanwar. I don't know the specifics. Still, I can comment on absurdity of (some) Indonesians cancelling a Korean idol over a fastfood brand boycott that has little to do with their country. Indoneasia has an ongoing conflict of their own. Papua wants to become independent and is not allowed to. Killing or rebels - check. Denial of self-identification - check. Indonesians from other islands, other ethnicities, coming to the land and using its resources, starting to live there - check (Indonesia populates Papua with other peoples deliberetely, selling of mining and logging rights to foreign companies is rampant). When I went to YT to look for a video on the conflict, I came across the fact that Indonesia has a migrant issue as well. Rohingya refugees, a muslim minority fleeing Myanmar.

It is the truth that athrocities and injustice happen all over the world at the same time. And not only man-made conflicts. Poverty, ilnesses, nature destruction. People suffer and die constantly. People following online mobs that get into a frenzie after media shines light on a particular issue and bully everyone to do the same are hypocritical. The world is big, people in one part of the world deserve peace and to be preoccupied with their mandane lives, celebrate, even if something bad happens in another part of the world.

When Russia-Ukrainian war started I followed it closely. I listened to commentators from both sides and I was watching the videos from the battleground with burnt corpses in tanks, Ukranian drones releasing explosives on the heads of Russian soldiers, child graves dug on playgrounds, leveled to the ground cities (before and after airial photos), as well as humanitarian and volunteer campaigns, etc. I also read comments and observed the wave of hate Russians were getting online from "well-meaning" people. I was stripped off of the ability to use credit cards abroad, ability to enter several European countries, and other issues. It was a very unstable time when everyting changed every day, I was afraid to be locked in Russia like Soviet people were locked in USSR (it's a real concern among Russians, a new iron wall). Back then I constantly switched between reading about the war and writing silly stuff here on this blog. I didn't write about the war not only because I wanted a space to escape to, but also because it was a local problem. Yes, huge, and affecting the whole world (oil, gas, vegetable oil, wheat, more refugees, the disraption of the "peace" in Europe, etc), but still a conflict people in Indonesia, Thailand, India, South America and so on had the right to avert their eyes from.

Right before New Year Russia (nothing sacred for Putin) sent rockets to several large Ukranian cities. You can see Ukranian k-pop cover groups filming dance covers for YT and think that everyrhing has calmed down, that it's only soldiers who fight on the perifery. Well, no. And Ukraine also sent rockets into a Russian town. On both sides civillians died in the buildings during explosions.

Instead of a NY conglaturation, a political oppositioner on YT I watch released a video with information about a couple of people that died. Turned statistics into stories about individual human beings. You can watch it here, it has English subs. The author asked to forgive him for not being in a celebratory mood, so many commented how they too couldn't celebrate the holiday.

The attack angered me, but I didn't dwell on it. I personally did congratulate all my friends with positive words. And I celebrated. War or not war. I want to live. I want my friends to be successful next year despite actually not knowing their onlook on the conflict (I was hesitant to discuss with some). I don't want Putin and his desire to stay in power to ruin more lives than he already has and will continue to do. Certainly not mine. I have my lane, nature conservation. It is as important as other "fields to do good". And to have any positive impact on the world, firstly I need to stay sane and happy myself. And my friends need to stay sane because they will outlive the dictator and be the part of people who will push for democracy.

To sum it up. Don't fall to the mob's pressure on the internet and don't be quick to judge people, cancel them. Don't delegate thinking and decision making to others. Form your own informed opinions. And don't waste your time on trivial things. Fanwars online don't help anything and anyone. It's action in real life that matters. Even if all you do is being kind to your family and people around you, you still do more good than justice-warriers.

Be kind in 2024.

[practicalsolutions]

Imagine you're a company that sells toasters. You don't make every single part of the toaster. Maybe you only design the casing and source parts for it from other companies. A company sells heating coils for general purposes. They don't usually care what it's for. Sometimes they'll help you with your project. You buy the coils and use them in your toasters. The coils would be considered from an OEM. Original Equipment Manufacturer.

We're the OEM for components that get used in a wide variety of equipment. Some of our components are used in drones. They really don't make that part of the business very obvious, but it's there. They also aren't tagged by export control as having a potential for military use, so they end up pretty much everywhere. It's not particularly good, but I prefer the village bicycle over knowing we specifically supply the bad guys.

It is also not my branch of the company that does this. I don't have access to that region's data. I looked at what I could. Even translated a bunch of backwards enchanting table to make sure our involvement was minimal. It is not as big a piece of the puzzle as B0e¡ng or 3lb¡t. I feel bad knowing that the conflict exists and that, to some extent, I'm attached to something that benefits from it. To deflect from that and say, well, it probably benefits a little bit off most conflicts? That is not the W I'm looking for.

I don't know whether I should leave or stay with this company. It could be that every large company has its fingers in some evil pie somewhere. Could be the nature of all companies. It's complicated.

[helianskies]

Can I have 26 for Frain? I'm ready for some angst 😭 Thank you so much ♡♡♡

frain angst you say? well, i'm not sure if this is entirely what you had in mind but uh... i was feeling some more historical frain, so...

Resentment

He waits, and waits, and waits.  

They wouldn’t let him into the room. He isn't surprised. If they had, he may have been the only one to walk out alive.

It almost sounds worth it, storming the negotiations and killing everyone who thought they had a right to decide what happened to him, his monarchy, his country, his people. It almost sounds fun. But after so many years of conflict and promises and tears… Antonio does not want more of that. He wants an end, whatever it may be. He's in pieces as it is—wedged between powerful nations he now wants nothing to do with—and another war, more war… well, he fears it could destroy him entirely.

That is the thing, isn't it? You never quite know, as a nation, which battle could be your last. A figure comes to mind, a fading silhouette of a man he once adored (and, in some ways, still does)—a figure who left one day, and never came back as they had thought and hoped and prayed. 

The risk of an empire. A fool’s game.

He waits, and waits some more. Negotiating treaties takes time. For weeks, in fact, diplomats have been talking terms and compromises. Spain has witnessed most of it—has done his best to try and guess who would be getting what, based on body language alone, as they have more or less all refused to talk to him. It has been a frustrating process.

Even now, with the final signatures being collected and the nations having gathered for the grand finale, he still feels he lacks anyone to talk with. Anyone to confide in. 

A few rooms away, England sits across from France, who sits across from Austria, who sits across from the Netherlands—though, he is only here for being considered a small player in this war, and the best he is going to get is having Utrecht’s name slapped on the paperwork. I hope it has been worth all the money he sunk into this pitiful war. The words, though unspoken, are bitter on his tongue.  

Thirteen years. Thirteen years of conflict and battles and bloodshed. And there he waits, alone in a small, private room, wondering who it is who is going to walk through those doors.

Really, it isn’t hard to guess. His aristocracy have their preference as to who should become King of Spain—a preference greatly changed in the last decade—but it is perhaps more difficult for him, on a personal level, to decide whether he would… rather stay Habsburg, or become something new. Something B—

The doors open. Spain stands out of instinct, rather than respect, and is greeted by all four nations. A surprise, just for him. 

No one speaks. Not immediately. England and France share a look—more unspoken words, more reading body language and trying to read the room when he is sick and tired of it—and then, three leave. Three of them leave, the doors close, and Spain is left looking at France.

This is the outcome Antonio knew would come.

“So,” the other says, a meek smile on his face as he begins to approach—threatens to broach the gap between them, both physical and sentimental, “it would seem that you and I are once more on the same page."

"We are barely in the same book," Antonio assures him, however. "You have a long way to go if you want me to enjoy your company.”

“Oh? Does that mean you… are not so pleased to see me?”

“Is anyone, in this day and age, ever pleased to see you, France?”

“Antonio, please,” the other coos, nevertheless, “you and I have such a history together, you cannot tell me that you hate me that much.”

And he’s right, in some ways. Hatred is such a strong sentiment, that, although there are other people Antonio is very sure he could hate, Francis is… not quite one of them. It is simply too hard to separate them. Francis has been there for as long as Antonio can remember—a neighbour, a lover, a friend—and now they stand there in that room, the world on their shoulders, and Antonio knows that he cannot hate Francis, even now. Even after war.

“You,” the Spaniard says quietly, “are so, so annoying…”

It makes a smile bloom on the other’s face, as though he’s ready to laugh, but it doesn’t come. Instead, Francis extends a hand to Antonio, and Antonio, wary as he is… he takes it. He takes Francis’ hand, and does not fight it when the other pulls him in for a rather unorthodox embrace. 

It feels weird to be in his arms again. It feels weird to feel his warmth, his hair, his skin, his breath.

“I’ve missed you,” Francis confesses in an unexpected bout of openness and honesty. 

His walls have vanished, it seems, purely for Antonio’s benefit, and the brunette doesn’t know how to respond to being held like this. It feels too intimate. It feels too surreal.

When… When was the last time someone held him…? It's been so many years...

“I know you have been through a lot. I know this war has drained you,” the Frenchman goes on, steadily pulling back from the embrace to take a good look at Antonio, the back of his hand brushing across the other’s flushed skin. “You and I can make this work, though. I want to see you happy, I want to see Spain be that wonderful, strong empire, and I want you to not hate me, ideally.” 

Antonio gently exhales. “You don’t ask for much, do you?”

“Why are you being so abrasive?”

“I don’t know,” the brunette quips, “perhaps I am just imagining you with a crown on your head and how much nicer that crown would look on, say, a Spaniard.”

“You should have made sure your king had an heir,” Francis returns with a small frown. “That is not on me.”

“The reason we had a war is because your precious Louis thought that France and Spain would be united powers under his grandson,” Antonio reminds the other, however. “I was not so against having a Frenchman in Madrid, until such a ridiculous and inflammatory statement was made.”

“Would a unification really have been such a bad thing?” Francis tries to reason. “A marriage between France and Spain would mark a new golden era—a new meaning of ‘power’ in Europe.”

“But that’s just it,” Antonio replies. “I am sick of this obsession with marriage, with unification, with rings and crowns and pretty royal crests. Do not misunderstand me,” the Spaniard presses, “I would rather you stand here than anyone else. But do not get your hopes up, Francis. I am famously good at holding grudges, no matter how small.”

Francis, at last, concedes. Antonio will not be moved—he can see that. So, rather than pushing the matter any further, he informs Antonio that there are some gentlemen who would like to meet him in light of the finalised Treaty of Utrecht. French gentlemen, of course.

The invitation does not go rejected. While Antonio is sure this will not be the last time they discuss this, nor will it be the last time Francis tries to soften him, shape him, reform him… for now, he will stand his ground. For now, he will hold his head as high as he can, at the end of this long war, and will not let his boat be rocked, even by his oldest friend.

Spain is still Spain. Spain is still an empire. That is the only outcome that matters to Antonio, and that is the only outcome that will ensure his survival going forward. 

His own survival is all he can afford to care about.

[ final wordcount, 1295 words! ]

[moondays]

Mirror

It came across my mind that I already lived in Japan for 9 years, since April 2014. I came to Japan as a student, with little goals and not so impressive achievements. I only intended to study Japanese, to allow myself being more confident by speaking the language more fluently. It took some times, too. I just realized then that I did not only have troubles in learning language, but in learning about myself also.

I finished Japanese Language School in 2 years, great. But what so not great was, I still felt as an outcast. I felt unwanted, somehow. Even though my homeroom teacher asked me to pursue Master Degree, I felt that he doubted me a lot. But I followed his instructions, as well as doing my own research, I got into the university without failing.

And then I graduated the Master Degree in 2 years, awesome. The degree that I never intended to pursue and extending my stay in Japan, I couldn't believe myself, either. Back to my emotions, I felt empty again and question myself: What now? If I went home, I didn't think I had anything left at home and I was already over 30 at that time. But if I continued, what did I have and deserved to continue here?

I finally got a job after 1 year of job hunting. I actually gave up in the end, because my visa was going to expire in 3 months. But my brother told me that, whenever there is a chance, just take it without thinking too hard. I heard a job vacancy from an old friend and eventually tried going for it, even though I didn't think I had the requirements in social skills.

Eventually, I got my social skills honed up in this company. And looking back, I am already 4 years being employed. It came to me that there were so many changes in me happened in the last 4 years. I would say, the biggest change I had was when Puma came to my life. He adopted me and he taught me to be more patient and caring.

I also got support from the people around me. They were also being kind to me, letting me know that I can count on them any time. I guess, knowing that people need me and vice-versa gives the change in people's heart. I used to be so cold, colder than ice. I treated people without caring for their emotions and people would treat me back in the same way. Even I didn't treat myself warm enough.

I didn't know know what it was to love myself, to be myself. All I knew was if I please people, I would be able to avoid conflicts. I also didn't know what I really wanted in my life, felt like no originality at all.

But, then I started to open up to myself. Forcing myself to leave the comfort zone a little and be braver to embrace whatever was coming towards me. Also, finding the right people to talk about your insecurities and not being judged or even compared to is very important. I used to be afraid of losing some people when I was already being dependent on them. But if at certain points I knew it was going to make me less happier when I'm not happy already, then I should let go and give some space. If the person was meant to be with us, so be it. If they don't, so be it. Because I think I would be the same to anyone else.

So, for the last 9 years living abroad by myself, I have been learning a lot. Nothing comes instantly, everything needs a process. Whether it's the way I look upon myself or the way I think towards other people. Some people deserve to be waited for, some people deserve to be left for right away. Try to be patient but it is okay to express emotions at times.

[iviarellereads]

Artificial Condition, Chapter 6

(Curious what I'm doing here? Read this post! For the link index and a primer on The Murderbot Diaries, read this one! Like what you see? Send me a Ko-Fi.)

In which we get close to some answers.

MB escorts the humans to the private docks. Art found a privately owned craft that seems to be used as a charter, allowing Rami, Maro, and Tapan to leave without identifying themselves. It might be safe enough to take a public shuttle, but MB is paranoid, and this shuttle has an augment pilot as backup for the bot.

As they go to board, Rami asks if MB isn't going with them. It says it still needs to do its research here. Maro asks how they can pay it. MB says they can leave it a note on its social feed, it will find them when it goes back to the transit ring. Tapan is conflicted, tense, and says they can't stay, but can't give up, and their work is so important.

MB says, more forcefully than perhaps necessary, that sometimes you just have to survive the hits and go forward. They all stare at it for a moment, but Maro and Rami nod to each other. Rami says they've started over before.

MB herds them onto the ship, and then makes for the tunnel that should lead to Ganaka Pit. Art says it will mostly be focusing on the shuttle for a while. MB can't quite figure out why it feels so uneasy, besides being near too many humans, without armour or drones, and not even "my Giant Asshole Research Transport"(1) to complain to. And, it failed its last mission, sort of. Alright, the humans are still alive, but they didn't get their data back.(2)

MB gets a transport as far as it can, then spends an hour or so hacking cameras and going into different abandoned tunnels, looking for one that might be connected to Ganaka Pit. As it finds a likely candidate and starts going down it, the feed access cuts out, but it doesn't feel like a suppressor. More like this tunnel is so deep, there are just no boosters near enough to get a signal.

Following the tunnel, it comes to a passenger tube, with power still, though obviously unused for a long time. It checks for security, then activates it, and waits as it travels. Eventually, the tube stops because of a blockage. MB unseals the lock, noticing the signs on the barricade: radiation, falling rock, and toxic biological warnings.(3) It finds a gap, and squeezes through. Onward it goes, into the old installation.

My human parts were experiencing a cold prickling that wasn’t comfortable. This place was creepy. I reminded myself that the terrible thing that had most likely happened here was me. Somehow that didn’t help.(4)

Besides the detritus and the old, damp dust, MB finds the lack of feed access unnerving. It's glad it had Art modify its data port, just in case.

It finds the central hub, but feels no familiarity for the area. The human remains have all long since been removed, but who knows what's been left behind. It goes into the storage rooms, and finds that the SecUnit cubicles are still there. MB's performance reliability drops, and it's frozen to the spot at the sight.

Reminding itself that the SecUnits were too valuable and dangerous to abandon, it slowly opens the ten cubicle doors, finding them all empty. In the end, it's not even sure why it came in here.(5) It finds nothing in the weapons lockers, and heads toward the offices, for data storage.

Finding the feed interface units(6) it thanks human clothes for pockets, something its armour never had, and uses a toolkit borrowed from Art's crew storage to start opening its arm to connect it energy weapon's power to the console's emergency power input. The regular SecSystem files have been wiped, but it finds some cached in MedSystem, a trick MB has used to help make files disappear from company notice.(7)

It skims most of the data, but one conversation catches its interest. Two techs discussing a rogue bit of code, uploaded from onsite, and whether it's malware. The conversation ends mid-word as one tech says she's going to notify the supervisor.

MB wasn't expecting rogue code to be at fault. It had assumed its governor module malfunctioned, but could it really have taken out nine other SecUnits, and all those humans, and any other bots who intervened, by itself?

It saves that conversation to its personal storage, but finds nothing else of interest in the cache. As it leaves, it finds impact markings on the walls, implying quite a confrontation, and wonders if some SecUnits hadn't been affected.

Near the crew quarters it finds four smaller cubicles, for ComfortUnits. The doors are all open already, meaning the ComfortUnits were inside when the emergency hit. MB uses its energy weapon's power again to power the cubicles' emergency data storage. It's meant for error and shutdown information, but it was used, by the ComfortUnits. It recorded the records of communicating with each other.

I stood there for five hours and twenty-three minutes, putting the data fragments together.

The ComfortUnits got a third-party patch, which the techs ordered them to apply despite looking suspicious. The patch was malware, and used the ComfortUnits to jump over and corrupt SecSystem, at which point the SecUnits, bots, drones, "and everything capable of independent motion" had gone violent.

While the mass murder was happening outside, the ComfortUnits were analyzing the malware themselves, and found its true purpose: it was supposed to disrupt the hauler bots, and sabotage the installation, not cause the massacre. They observed that none of the bots were acting in concert, and manually resetting SecSystem to factory default might be their best option.

However, while ComfortUnits are stronger than humans, they're not as strong as SecUnits, with no combat training and no weapons.

One by one the file downloads had stopped.(8) One had signaled that it would try to decoy SecUnit attention away from the others, and three acknowledged. One had heard screams from the control center and diverted there to try to save the humans trapped inside, and two acknowledged. One had stayed at the entrance to a corridor to try to buy time to reach SecSystem, and one acknowledged. One reported reaching SecSystem, then nothing.

MB gets a low power signal of its own, and realizes how long it's been holding the storage active. It unhooks itself and leaves the room, bumping into the doorway.(9) It wonders what arrangement there might have been, if the one who sent the malware paid the damages and bonds, and that company went under, and MB's (former) company thought that was sufficient punishment.

MB goes back to the passenger tube, starts a recharge cycle, and turns on its last interrupted episode of Sanctuary Moon. The tube runs out of power partway, but MB has made it back up to 97% charge, so it runs, even though it takes an hour longer.

One it gets out far enough, feed access resumes, and Art says they have a problem.

=====

(1) Once again, MB claiming people, even constructed intelligences, as its own, but only sideways. (2) And this, this is one of the most telling lines in the book so far. Not just "I took this contract myself, so I can't just abandon them". This is so much subtler than that. It took the job, and got to know, even like the humans. And it feels badly that it couldn't help them achieve their goal. A semi-abstract guilt that it did the job they bought, but not the one it wanted to do for them. (3) Laying it on a little too thick to put almost every warning in the book on this mine. (4) I don't think I'd find that very comforting either, but bless MB for trying. (5) One of the most human things it's done since the beginning of the series, I think. Sometimes you just have to know, regardless of the consequences. (6) Computers, with screens. (7) Callback to the ways it had the humans use MedSystem in book 1 to hide from HubSystem while they analyzed stuff, after its true nature was revealed. Presumably, its knowledge of the trick goes back even further. (8) Their bravery is immeasurable. They were bots. They had no reason to try to help, except the one MB formed after this: they cared. And they were smart enough to use the tools at hand, even if unsuccessfully. (9) I dare say all that information would be a bit disorienting.

[camillewasthere]

april 28 2024

It's 10pm and I'm about to get high. In a few weeks i'll be 32 years old. What a wild time.

When I got back from the gym today I was looking at baby pictures of Jannika and I. I look at baby version of me and I get kinda sad. I'm looking at a girl with not a clue what's in store. I want to protect the baby version of me from the world. It's sad to realize how things happen. That in order to be a well rounded person, you have to experience all things.

One memory I think about a lot when I was a child was when I got little papers, scissors and random art supplies and put it in a little ziploc. I wanted to hide it for some reason. I don't know who would want to look for a ziploc bag of art supplies. I decided to hide it on top of my uncle/grandma's vanity which was high as fuck. Probably a foot awat from the ceiling. When I tried to hide it, the bag fell. And I never found it again.

I was such a shy child. I always made sure to be mindful. To be aware. I was always watching everyone else. Always conscious of the space I took. Never feeling part of the crowd. Somehow always fake. Just observing. I love baby me. And I think if baby me knew the person I would become, she would be proud. She would want me to be happy and chose the road that brings fulfillment. She would probably think I was pretty. She would probably watch me do my makeup. She would be content with just being there with me.

I have been in my head a lot lately. Constantly strategizing. Thinking about what's next. What move is the right move. It's funny how much it consumes me. But how little I convey on the outside. People only see the product but never realize how long the process took.

Moving up to the bay area has been weighing heavily on my mind. Last time I went to visit I remember how much I liked being there. It felt more home-y to me.

Cons: It's colder Bears on hikes lol Probably more expensive Miss Daniela!

Pros: Better food Paid more Shady hikes Probably find the loml lol New cities to explore Easy way to go north or south to go on trips Less white people lol

Wow putting it out on a list like this actually makes it seem way more desirable. I can't wait to find a place I can furnish. With a washer dryer. No carpet. I'm so excited.

Before I end this I do want to at least talk about how i've been feeling.

It's been almost 6 months since the break up. He's still living here until our lease is over at the end of June. It's a conflicting feeling. Every day that gets closer, the more nervous I get about the plan with the dogs. But when I think about him being gone, all I can feel is excited. It's like I can finally be free of that energy. I can't wait to fix up my space. To be in my thoughts alone at home. So happy I have the dogs to protect me and keep me company. I don't really feel lonely. I know that will likely change once he's actually out of here. But for a long time before we broke up I was already doing so many things alone. It's liberating to be single honestly. I have almost zero desire to be with anyone. I say almost because I continue to be intrigued by the idea of Lori and Bre's friend and I being together. I don't want to imagine this as something more than it is, which is literally nothing lol. But it does seem like a possibility. I have to let my mind leave it at that. Old me would continue to obsess. New me wants to focus on what is good for me. What will make me happy. Because ultimately I want to be able to be so content with myself that anyone who seeks after me will only be an addition. I've settled for soooo long with too many guys that weren't right for me, whether they were good or bad. There's a reason they all didn't work out. Including long lost air force man. I need to allow my brain to understand that concept. The common denominator with all of those relationships is me. My physical self would constantly make deals with my emotional self that would lead to me staying for longer than I should have.

What's wild is, despite all the break up's i've had, I think the one with flannel mustache boy was the worst of the worst. Thinking about that relationship makes me wanna throw up to be honest. He was so handsy and gross. So flashy. Literally i'm barfing right now imagining how others saw us.

Anyway, yeah I'm stoked to be on my own. I love being home alone. Having a space all to myself is gonna be such a nice little vacation.

xx me