#i'm way more self-conscious about it than i'd care to admit.

[cannibal-nightmares]

you all really liked Stein with the cane, huh? (THANK U BTW??) boy, do I have news for you

[woodchipp]

Thank you for spelling out your character development, Aubrey! You really needed to because you didn't actually have it in the first place, but the game needs to pretend as if you did!

"I felt like everyone abandoned me... and abandoned MARI too..."

I'd like to note the way Aubrey phrases this line. Mari is tacked on at the end of the sentence as if she's an afterthought.

Considering how self-centered Aubrey has shown herself to be over the course of the game, it reads more as "Everyone abandoned me, goddammit! oh and there's that dead girl too ig"

It's very subtle and intricate writing when your characters rant about their foibles to the audience as if they're standing in a confessional.

"After SUNNY stopped coming to school..."

Which he did on a whim, apparently. Nowhere in the game is it stated or implied he was homeschooled or granted some special exemption.

Also... the writer... totally... isn't... overusing... ellipses...

"I just wanted to go through the photos, because... well... I guess I just wanted to see everyone happy again."

It always circles back to Aubrey and what she wants. It didn't occur to her to leave Basil's things alone since going through the album might bring up some painful memories for him. No, all that mattered is that she wanted to "see everyone happy again," even if that makes those same people miserable now.

Aubrey is an asshole.

"All of our memories together..."

Because the giant "BASIL'S MEMORIES" on the album's cover wasn't convincing enough for her, apparently.

I have already touched on this in other posts, but for the purposes of this one, I have to reiterate.

1) Aubrey's immediate reaction to a perceived slight was to basically disown her close friend of God knows how many years (even though she had no reason to blame him, nor did she let him explain himself) and make a conscious choice to start harassing him. Because that's what strong friendship is, isn't it?

2) She conveniently doesn't specify other "things like that" she called Basil, which implies she might have called him something way worse than "creep"

As you should.

You won't get to do anything about that, though, because the story is going to shift its focus to Sunny in a few minutes anyway.

Peak writing!

And now she's turned on the waterworks because the game's running short on time allotted to her "character arc", so we need to pity her as fast as possible.

I find it funny how the fact Aubrey nearly killed Basil back at their old hangout spot the day prior is not directly brought up or addressed by her at any point of her rant. Her sudden breakdown would have made more sense if it came after her admitting how guilty she actually feels about the accident because she crossed a line or something like that. Nothing of the sort happens, and all we ever get is a vague "What I've been doing is worse than what BASIL did"

BULLYING PEOPLE IS NOT A "MISTAKE". IT IS A DELIBERATE DECISION YOU MAKE.

FUCK YOU.

(also, Sunny taking a few steps back instead of trying to comfort his friend like Hero and Kel speaks more of his character than the game ever could)

"I'm going to acknowledge I'm a shitty friend, but you're not going to see me develop! What do you take me for? An important character?"

"sorry I didn't put my life on hold to keep you all from turning on each other because I'm this group's singular braincell, apparently :<"

Yes, they don't deserve an asshole like you as a friend.

Sunny and Aubrey are both friends no one deserves, actually. One is so unreliable he walked out on his bestie when said bestie was at his most vulnerable and the other harassed her friend for four years just because she assumed he wronged her

Hero's argument to convince Aubrey she does care about her friends after all omits the fact she stole one of her friends' property and then bullied said friend because of it.

Love that no one gives a shit about Basil in this game.

And you couldn't say this while you were talking to her in the church on Three Days Left because...?

>>"We should all be here for each other!" >>Sunny is due to move town the next day

fucking lmao

And that's it! Aubrey's redemption is official!

Except it literally took a single poorly-written rant. And a hug.

Because that's peak writing.

143/10 once-in-a-lifetime masterpiece would absolutely kill my sister because I couldn't watch the TV for as long as I want again

[a-whispering-echo]

The Massage

a oneshot i have already posted on my AO3 for my Band Au, though i thought i'd post here, in case anyone on here would like to read it without being on AO3 <3

Horror + Cross - background BSP - human Au.

The night was quiet, the quiet hum of the air conditioning soothing in the darkness that enveloped the living room. Horror sat in his wheelchair, his legs stretched out in front of him, but his face contorted with pain. His fisted hands clenched and unclenched as he took deep breaths.

Cross noticed the pained expression on Horror's face from where he was sitting on the couch, and concern filled his eyes. He had known about Horror's chronic pain, of course he did, how could he not, but seeing him in distress always tugged at his heartstrings. Without a second thought, he got up from the couch and made his way over to his partner.

"Hey, you okay, Horror?"

Horror glanced at Cross, his big brown eye meeting Cross's gaze. "It's okay just... leg cramps, nothing new, I'll be fine." His smile was forced, clearly a put-up mask to hide his pain.

"You don't have to pretend with me," The blond frowned, upset that his partner felt the need to lie to him.

"It's just... it's frustrating," Horror admitted, his voice soft. "I hate feeling like a burden, and I hate that my body won't cooperate with me. I can't do the things I used to, and it's hard not to feel useless sometimes."

He looked away, his eye welling up with tears. "I don't understand why you even care for me," he whispered, his voice trembling. "I'm not pretty like the others, I can't even fucking walk properly."

The bassist knelt down in front of him, gently taking his partner's hands in his own. "Hey, listen to me," he said, his voice filled with warmth and sincerity. "You are so much more than your ability to walk. You are talented, beautiful in every way, and so SO strong. "

He leaned in closer, his soft pink eyes locking onto Horror's brown one. "This face of yours?" He paused, and Horror tensed in preparation for the scorn that would surely come out of his mouth.

"It's beautiful," Cross said, his voice firm and genuine. "It always has been, and it always will, because the person who wears it is beautiful ."

It was a revelation for the drummer. He blinked in surprise, his heart pounding in his chest. No one had ever called his face beautiful before, not since it shattered like his self-worth. His eye filled with tears, yet this time; tears of gratitude.

"You really mean that?" Horror asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

Cross nodded, his fingers gently brushing against Horror's cheeks, caressing the scars and whipping away the tears. "I mean it with all my heart," he replied. "To me, you are the most beautiful person in the world, inside and out."

His heart tightened with emotions. He had spent so much of his life feeling self-conscious about his scars and his appearance, always trying to hide behind pretty fabrics and long auburn hair, he never thought someone could look past that and see the beauty he felt he lacked.

"Thank you...I - Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me, Teddy Bear. " The bassist smiled, his thumb gently whipping away another tear as it escaped Horror's eye. "I'm just telling you the truth you need to hear."

"Now," He leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to Horror's forehead, "Will you let me help you?"

Horror hesitated for a moment, his eyes searching Cross's face for any signs of pity or condescension. But all he saw in the blond's eyes was love and genuine concern.

"Okay," he whispered, his voice filled with vulnerability.

Cross smiled, relief evident in his expression. "Let's get you on the sofa, can you stand on your own right now, or do you need a hand?"

Horror took a deep breath, his muscles tensing as he attempted to stand on his own. He managed to push himself up, wincing at the pain shooting through his legs. However, he knew that he couldn't risk pushing himself too far, so he shook his head slightly.

"I'll... need some help," he admitted, voice tinged with embarrassment.

"Of course," Cross said softly, his arms gently wrapping around Horror's waist to support him. Together, Cross and Horror carefully manoeuvred to get the drummer out of his wheelchair and onto the sofa. With each step, Horror winced, his legs protesting against the movement. Cross supported most of his weight, making sure not to strain him further.

Once they finally settled on the sofa, Cross helped prop up pillows to make Horror more comfortable. "How does a massage sound, big guy?"

Horror's tense shoulders relaxed at the suggestion, and he nodded gratefully. "That sounds amazing right now," he replied, a small smile gracing his lips.

Cross gently positioned the taller on his side, propped up with pillows so that his legs wouldn't be too strained. The bassist took a moment to grab some massage oil and warm it between his hands before he started working on Horror's cramping legs.

At first, Horror winced with each touch, his muscles protesting against the pressure. But as Cross continued to work his magic, applying just the right amount of pressure and care, the pain slowly began to ebb away. The drummer's body melted into the touch, and he found himself sinking into the sensation of relief and comfort.

Cross worked his way up from Horror's legs to his back and shoulders, kneading the tense muscles with skilful hands. Horror let out soft sighs and moans of relief, feeling the pain slowly ease under Cross's touch.

"Feels good?" The blond asked, a hint of a smile on his lips.

"So good." The drummer slurred, his eye half-lidded in bliss.

"Good. You deserve this," Cross murmured, his fingers working their magic on Horror's back. "You deserve to be pampered and cared for, Teddy Bear. Don't ever think otherwise."

Horror's eye glistened with unshed tears, touched by Cross's words. He had spent so long feeling inadequate and self-conscious about his scars and his disability, but in that moment, he felt truly seen and loved.

As Cross continued the massage, the room was filled with a sense of intimacy and tenderness. The darkness outside seemed to fade away, leaving only the two of them in their own little world. The hum of the air conditioning became a soothing melody, and the pain that had once gnawed at Horror's body was now just a distant memory.

"Listen to me, love: You are extraordinary," Cross whispered, his voice a gentle caress. "Your strength, your resilience, your beauty, both inside and out, it's all part of what makes you who you are. And I wouldn't change a single thing about you."

"...You know, when I first met you, all those years ago, I thought you were an angel," Horror confessed, his tone hushed, like a secret shared only between them, "And every day since then, you've only ever continued to prove me right."

Cross's heart swelled with emotion at Horror's words. He leaned down, pressing a soft kiss to the drummer's forehead. "If I'm an angel, you're my guardian," Cross whispered back, his lips brushing against Horror's skin. "And I'll always be here to take care of you, no matter what."

Their love was a sanctuary, a place of acceptance and tenderness where scars and pain didn't define them. In each other's arms, they found solace, and in their love, they found strength.

The night continued to envelop them in its quiet embrace, the darkness outside a stark contrast to the warmth and love that filled the living room.

[runstreakerz]

Just something I've been reflecting on this week.

When I started this running journey it was purely just to get back into some kind of shape. I was 23, coming out of school looking for a job and trying to start adulthood on a high note. I ended up taking a part time service job while I looked for an engineering role that was fulfilling and exciting (9 months of searching and turning down a lot of the "wrong roles" was well worth the stress and struggle).

During this time I did plenty of self reflection. I was unhappy with the way I looked and felt, and at 215 pounds I was 65 pounds heavier than I had been graduating high school. I had never been concerned with my looks, but that realization hit me and I became extremely conscious of how I was perceived by others (more on this later). I had always been a runner. Track and cross country were constants in my life through high school and I genuinely enjoyed the euphoric feeling of a long run. The first week after graduation I busted out my old running shoes and hit the pavement.

Fuck, did that first run grind me into the dust. I was sore for days, after a run of just 2 miles that took probably closer to 30 minutes than i'd like to admit. Granted, 102 degree Texas heat isn't ideal for peak performance. I took it easy that first summer, getting into a routine of just running, showing up, and not looking at the numbers. By summer's end I was easily running 5ks 3 times a week and weighed 180 pounds. Things were looking up. I documented my progress with charts, graphs, and photos like any good engineer would.

Fast forward a few years. I am running 4-5 days a week, occasionally pushing myself for a longer run or a race, but comfortable with just 5ks at a time. I've plateaued and I am mentally struggling with how I can run so much and still be 180. I'd run a half marathon and see myself in a mirror and think "You should look better than that". Not a productive line of thinking at all.

There were a lot of struggles those years. I changed and matured a lot, I grew and started shaping the me I am now. It wasn't easy. I moved across the country and eventually wound up in the mountains of Colorado. I came up with the Runstreakerz personality, and I got comfortable with myself. I found out what makes me happy should be what I chase and focus on, not what others think I should do. Just a lot of big steps personally I am glossing over here.

Lets just say 23 year old me was a very different person than 27 year old runstreakerz. If you have questions, reach out and I am sure I'd love to share things, especially if you're struggling similarly.

That was several years ago. I'm currently on the cusp of 31 (eff, getting older sneaks up on you!!!), and finally feeling like I am starting to hit my golden ~era~. Running is very much a huge part of my life, but my lifestyle as a whole is very different. I am eating right, drinking less, and just taking care of myself mentally and physically. I still will enjoy a comfort meal or a glass of wine on occasion, and I try not to feel the guilt about it (try is the key, as yes I very much do struggle still).

All of this is just to say, well, thanks for being on this journey with me. The Runstreakerz of today is more than I ever envisioned, and I am much happier for it.

Here's to many more long runs, breathtaking mountain views, comfort meals on snowy nights, and recovery baths! hope to see you along the way.

Happy Runstreaking!

[enchantinglyjade]

✩ I Can Dream About You ✩ Part 1

Sebastian Kydd x OC

Masterlist| Next

Warning: Swearing Note: Y'all I'm so excited to start working on new stories(I will not be abandoning Milk & Honey BTW). But I have so many new ideas I'm excited to share. Hope you enjoy!

-

Castlebury High School.

I hate it here.

Honestly, I wish I would have just gotten bullied, at least that way I'd have proof someone actually saw me, but instead, I was invisible.

I was a nobody.

When people passed me in the halls, it's like they'd just look right through me.

I was a ghost, haunting the halls in my first year of high school.

But then, Donna saw me.

She saw me sitting at the lunch tables eating alone like I had always done. She felt bad for me, invited me to her table, offered me a spot in her circle, promised me the world. She trained me, taught me how to do makeup, dress nice, sneak out of class without my parents ever finding out. I felt confident and beautiful. People finally started looking in my direction.

But not at me, at her.

Not that I would have known the difference most of the time anyway.

Now, I'm invisible with a leader.

I fell for it. Fell for her dirty tricks and lies. I was vulnerable and she played me like a stack of cards. She thought my ghostliness would be useful to her. She had me doing all of her dirty work that the Jens were too sloppy to accomplish. She'd make me fake her mom's voice to call her in and out of school, steal blush and lipstick for her at our local beauty store, and sit on lookout while she and her newest boy toy did unspeakable things in the locker rooms.

All in exchange for what? A chance to stand within a 4 foot distance from the princess?

Donna is the most popular, prettiest girl in school, and I let her manipulate me into her perfect little minion.

I tell myself at least I'm not a band geek, but every day that passes, I can only envy them. I bet they have so much more fun than me. I can't imagine being allowed to be openly smart and talented under Donna's shadow. Damn, I wish I was a band geek.

After 3 long years of pink lipstick, hair ratting, and wearing the most horrendous of neon colors, senior year became upon us.

I'm 18 now. Graduation is so close I can practically taste freedom. 9 more months and I'll finally be able to kiss this school goodbye for good and never think about anyone here ever again.

But then he showed up.

Sebastian, the bad boy, transfer student. He practically drips with charisma and experience, and quickly became the knew 'it' guy of the school that everyone drools over. Donna, of course, had to have him.

"Ooo, check out the new hottie." Donna blurts out, twirling her hair and smacking her gum, watching as a few boys from the football team talk to him. "He's perfect. You guys are gonna help me get him."

I admit, he is gorgeous, but he isn't anyone special either, just another asshole trying to be the next cool, popular kid.

Guess I can't say much, that's basically what reeled me in, but at least I'm aware of my own shallowness.

"How are we gonna do that?" Jen 1 asks.

"I'll think of something, don't worry." She says scheming in that evil head of hers. "Come." She waves for us to follow in her direction and the 3 of us do so like the good little pets we are. She struts over, purposely putting an extra sway in her hips as she passes Sebastian, earning her a glance from him and the entire student body present in that area. She smiles, wiggling her perfectly pink polished fingers at him, before continuing forward without a second care in the world.

I follow only a few feet behind her and the Jens. For a moment, I peek up to see if this Sebastian guy really fell for such an old trick in the book, to see if he really is the chump Donna thinks he is.

When my head rises, I accidentally make direct eye contact with him. He nods as a greeting to me, causing my lids to widen. I've never had anyone look at me before, I'm almost shocked that he can even see me.

Self conscious, I turn away, awkwardly pacing back over to my designated clique.

I can't believe he looked at me. For that long too. And after Donna!

I shake my thoughts away, following Donna into our next period. Maybe he's just desperate, looking for anything with legs. If he's looking in my direction he must be EXTREMELY desperate. What a pig!

Lucky for me, I soon find out I have the privilege of sharing American History with the new king and queen of the school.

Donna, of course, snatches the seat right next to Sebastian. I settle for 2 rows behind her, close enough that she can call if she needs an extra swipe of lipstick, but far away enough that I won't be in direct line of her bullshit or flirting.

The teacher goes on and on about boring nonsense while the class quickly wallows into sleep.

Donna taps her pencil on her desk with boredom, eyeing the man candy next to her with a gleaming smirk. When the teacher turns his back, she leans over towards Sebastian's desk. "Love the jacket. It's so vintage!" She whispers, gracefully gliding her hand up the sleeve of his jacket.

He turns his head in surprise, but chuckles at her actions. "Thanks. My dad's."

A week goes by of shadowing Donna as she works her magic and yet he still hasn't taken a hint. Her frustration only built up everyday that he denied her advances, which only meant it's been a week of hell for The Jens and I.

For a moment, I'm impressed. I had hope. Maybe he wasn't a pig after all. I mean, it didn't take most guys a week to catch on to Donna's clues and definitely didn't take them that long to ask on their own, unless they were insanely out of her league and intimidated, which he is clearly not. I thought, maybe he's a guy that respects himself and has actual standards. Or better yet, maybe he wants something stable and long term.

But eventually, my hopes were diminished.

On my way to third period, I walk straight into them talking in the dark art hallway in the basement. It doesn't take a genius to see how private this area would be to 'talk'.

Guess he doesn't wait long to start getting busy.

I mutter an apology to them, and while avoiding Donna's glare for my interruption, I quickly scurry away.

"I'll catch up with you later, Donna."

"Alright, 'Bastian. Don't miss me too much."

'Bastian'. Please, I'm gonna be sick. They already have nicknames for each other? They've only known each other for a week! What kind of weird, phony, bullsh-

"Hey."

My soul nearly jumps out of my body. I twist my neck to see Sebastian jogging in my direction, before stopping in front of me. "You dropped this."

Is he... talking to me?

I stay frozen, hoping to stay out of the way of whoever he is talking to. However, when I notice he doesn't move, I glance over my shoulders, desperately trying to find the person that should be answering to him.

"I'm talking to you." He chuckles.

When I turn back towards him, I find out he is in fact talking to me. He holds his arm out, an English notebook in hand with my doodles plastered all over the cover. I shyly take it from him, stuffing it in my arms with the rest of my books, and when I thank him our eyes lock for only a second time since I've known him.

His stare puts shivers straight down my spine. He really does have some beautiful, blue eyes. But before I allow myself to see anymore of him, I spin on my toes speeding towards my class.

"Hey, wait up! Where ya headed?" He says, jogging back over to my side.

I swallow, voice dry and groggy from being inactive most hours of the day. "Art."

Unfortunately, he continues to walk the same direction as me. "I have art too. Funny. Never noticed you in there."

I sigh. Just another confirmation about how much of a ghost I am. "Most don't." I mutter under my breath, pushing open the art room door and sitting at my seat near the back of the class.

Much to my dismay, Sebastian takes the seat next to me, slamming down his bag next to my leg. I take in a deep breath, ignoring the fact that I can practically feel him looking at me, before reaching over to dig through my backpack for my sketchbook.

When I place it down on the table in front of me, he speaks. "So...You a Jen? I've noticed you follow Donna around most everywhere."

Why is he talking to me? None of Donna's exes ever bothered to get to know the Jens, let alone me, so what does he want? Is he some sort of psychopath? Maybe he's gonna try and manipulate everyone into thinking he's some great guy so we won't think he's a suspect when Donna's body gets discovered on the news or something...

I adjust myself in my seat, scooching over an inch away from him. "No, I'm an Alex."

"Alex." He repeats slowly in a way that makes heat rise to my cheeks. I guess I never really heard anyone but teachers say it. Damn, I really am a loser, aren't I? "I could tell you were different, you seem like you have an actual personality... and awareness."

A small grin appears on my face from his comment, but I quickly force my cheeks back down. He's a psychopath, remember!

Just when I think he's finally leaving me alone, he leans over the table in an attempt to peek at my face beneath my hair, but I snap my head away and hide myself behind my hand. What is he doing? Why is he so weird!? Stop perceiving me!

"Aw come on, don't be like that. I saw that smile. No need to be so serious and guarded." My smile can't help but creep back just a little bit. I lower my hand peering curiously, but suspiciously at him over my fingertips. He leans back in his chair, lip curling when he meets my gaze for a third time. "You know, Alex, you don't seem too bad."

I drop my hand now, nervously fumbling with the rings in my sketchbook while my stomach flutters with butterflies. Donna really bagged a weirdo this time, and why is it affecting me? "Thanks...?"

With that, the bell rings and the teacher begins giving out instructions. While she speaks, I flip open my sketchbook and make a few last scribbles and smudges on my last drawing before we move on to a new exercise.

Sebastian slaps his forearms down obnoxiously loud and forcefully against the table, causing the whole thing to shake as he does so. I pull my pencil away just in time before it smears down a dark and unerasable line on the page from his movement, then clench my teeth as I watch him inch closer to me and my paper. "So, why aren't you taking a class with Donna? Aren't you supposed to be bodyguarding her every move."

I take a pause, ensuring he isn't going to move again, before gently touching the pencil back down on the paper. One of the Jens is in Math with her right now, assuming she's not skipping. Donna wouldn't get caught dead on this side of the school, art is my time. "Only moment of peace I get."

He bites his lips together in thought before he smacks his hands down onto the table, pounding out some sort of rhythm, and once again making me pause my drawing due to the shaking.

With a deep and annoyed grumble, I place my pencil down entirely. I'm going to get nowhere with him near, I might as well just succumb to a conversation with him. "Didn't peg you as the art type." I say, dryly.

His head snaps back quick in my direction, surprised that I spoke up. "Oh, I'm not. Required. Didn't know you could draw." He says leaning over onto my side of the table once again, eyes glossing over my still unfinished sketch. "Wow. That's amazing." He says in awe.

Let me guess, he's so bad at drawing that he can't even draw a circle or a stick figure?

"I can't even draw a stick figure." He exclaims on cue.

Typical. I never get spoken to much, but one thing I can always count on people to talk about is my artwork. But every time it's always the same line.

I roll my eyes, placing my head in my hand and mindlessly scratch at the wood chipping on the edge of the table. "I'm sure you can't."

He scoffs out a laugh, simultaneously furrowing his brows. "What? You think I'm some jock or something?"

Not what I was going for but, "Might as well be."

He nods slowly, humming to himself while he sits back in his chair.

He doesn't say another word to me until the bell's ringing to dismiss us. "It was nice talking to you," as he walks out of the classroom.

6 words. 6 simple words that leave my mind jumbled all night on their meaning. Was he being genuine or sarcastic? Had I said something wrong? Made a bad first impression? I knew I shouldn't have said that last thing. I'm such an idiot. But most importantly, why do I can so much? It's not like he's ever going to talk to me again regardless.

Though, even that would be proven wrong. 

The next day at school, I see him again. It's one of those glorious times Donna decides to be too cool for school.

He's at one end of the hallway, I at the other. He strides down the hall like it's a runway, looking to charm anyone that dares to glance his way. He could mesmerize anyone he wants with that charisma of his and it nearly gets me every time, to the point that I've grown concerned over my sanity.

I grip the backpack straps on my shoulder as he comes closer and closer, unsure if I should bother looking to greet him. He probably forgot who I am already. It'd be embarrassing if I waved at him.

To my surprise, he waves first. "Hey, Alex." He enunciates, making sure I know he's talking to me.

I'm taken aback at first, but I wave back, barely having enough time to smile before he's already passed me by.

That one interaction was enough to leave my stomach swarming with light and bubbly feelings. My heart pounded loudly for him from that day forward and I just knew I was destined for trouble and disappointment.

He's Donna's, she made that very clear from day one, and she always gets what she wants.

I need to get rid of these feelings as quickly as I can, but life is never that easy, is it?

[silvermoose]

Fanfic I wrote for The Coffin of Andy and Leyley. Originally posted on Reddit, then Ao3.

---

Being able to be openly affectionate with Ashley was one advantage to quarantine, Andrew had to admit. Even when their parents lived with them, their mom was always giving them disgusted looks, or making snide comments to them. Now he didn’t have to watch over himself, trying to be cautious about every interaction they had. He could interact with his sister without feeling judged about it. Everything felt natural, and he could be himself.

This changed after they started having sex.

He became much more self conscious, in a way that he never was before. Even buying condoms had become an ordeal. In his past life, he would just pick some up when he got cigarettes. He didn’t care who saw him, because he didn’t care if anyone knew that he was getting laid. It was different now.

He tried not to go to the same place twice, and never went with Ashley, lest someone realize how similar they look and make the connection. Each trip had him on the brink of an anxiety attack. They had discussed other options, but getting a prescription for the birth control pill would start a paper trail, and the consequences of pulling out were too dire. So instead Andrew dealt with the fear and shame of being found out every time he went to the pharmacy. He also stocked up on pregnancy tests out of paranoia; It got to the point where Ashley was used to just taking one every few days as a matter of routine.

“You know how that’s not how it works, right?” she said the third time, as she handed him the test with one blue line. “It doesn’t show you the moment you get pregnant, it only shows after a few weeks.”

“It’s either this or your demon trinket, and I’m not sacrificing anyone else if I can avoid it,” he said. He checked the box to confirm that yes, a single line meant ‘not pregnant’.

While She didn't mind at first, it got tiresome after a while. So she stole a pen from the front desk while Andrew was out. When it was time to take another test, she drew an extra line on it.

“Hey An-dy,” Ashley sang to him, holding out a test with two blue lines on it.

Andrew puked. Violently.

“What the fuck, Andy?” Ashley screamed.

“You're pregnant?? How did this happen? We were so careful! Ashley. I don't think we can do this.”

“Well, then it's a good thing I'm not actually pregnant, Asshole. It was a joke. I drew on the extra line.”

It took a minute for Andrew to register what she had said.

“What? What the fuck, Ashley, why would you do that to me??”

“I didn't think it would make you puke! Did you ever puke after having sex with one of your floozies??”

“It's not the sex, Ashley,  it's the thought of having a baby!”

“You think I'd be a bad mother.”

“No, I think it's a bad idea to have a child when both parents are unemployed, on the run, and oh yeah, they’re siblings!!!”

“It's not like anyone knows”

“Really, Ashley? You think that no one ever looks at us and sees how similar we are? Which features we share? The same mannerisms we have? That’s bullshit.”

“Is that why you never show affection to me in public? That you won’t kiss me or hold my hand? You’re afraid some stranger will judge you?”

“If they notice us enough to judge us, they notice us enough to report us, Ashley.”

“We’ve been out in public a lot without anyone saying anything!”

“Not while we were fucking!  Going out in public is hell. All I think about is people seeing through me, realizing I'm the freak that fucks my sister. And when I'm alone with you, I feel better. I feel happy. I feel like I’m home. I reinforce that they’re right .”

“Oh, so I make you a freak?” She yelled, more angry than hurt.

“Ashley. Leyley .” he said gently. He embraced her and kissed her hair. “You don’t make me a freak. You make me happy. I can’t live without you. But I don’t know how much longer we can go on like this. It seems inevitable that we’re either going to get caught and arrested, or killed, or something else, but we’re going to be separated, and I don’t know what I will do with myself if that happens. I don’t want to lose you.”

“And I don’t want you to leave me.”

He closed his eyes and held her tighter.

“What do we do, Leyley? To be free?”

“Let's ask the trinket,” Ashley suggested. “We still have one vision on this thing.”

It seemed like such a big ask. Up until this point, the trinket had primarily worked when it wanted to. But it was right about the hitman, it had been right about them sleeping together, so he agreed to give it a shot.They slept together that night with his arms wrapped around her, holding the trinket between their hands.

Robbing the pharmacy was easier than it had any right to be, but that was the advantage of having demons on your side. The place was remote and had only one pharmacist, so when they went in Andrew simply locked the door behind him while Ashley held the gun to the pharmacist.

“Don't be stupid about this, and you can live,” she said. The pharmacist nodded. “We want sectional. All of it.”

“Sectional? Is that what it’s called, Ashley?”

“ Leyley . And yeah, something like that.”

“Something like that? Seconal, Ley. It’s Seconal.” He shot Leyley a look, but she only smiled and blew him a kiss in return.

The pharmacist brought them their entire stock of pills, which wasn’t a lot, but would be enough. The Graves then bound and gagged the pharmacist and left him behind the counter, a rare act of mercy for them.

In the car, Ashley popped open one of the beers they had bought earlier and handed it to Andrew.

“Not while I'm driving!” He said, and tried to wave it away.

“What do you care? The vision showed we’d arrive safely.”

“I need to be able to chisel properly.”

“Why? Does it matter how nice it looks?”

“You know what? Fuck it, you're right.” Andrew took the can from her and took a swig.

They had a good buzz going by the time they arrived at their destination. Ashley was initially against the idea, but Andrew convinced her that if it was in the vision, they should do it that way. Plus, since their parents' bodies were missing, there was no actual grave. No Coffin. Just a tombstone with the word GRAVES on it, with their parents names and dates of birth below it.

Andrew chipped away at their names and dates of birth as best he could until it only had “GRAVES” on it. It looked alright, considering how much alcohol he had. Ashley laid out a blanket over the area in front of the tombstone, and they sat down on it.

“Okay,” Andrew said, as he poured the pills into two piles. “I guess it doesn’t matter how much we take? So we’ll each take half. Then lie down and stay on your back.”

“On my back so we can go out with a bang?” Leyley teased. 

“I'm serious, Leyley. If you puke everything up, it won't work.”

“Being on my back will stop me from puking?” she asked. She took the pills and followed it with some more beer.

“Yes,” Andrew lied. The reality was that if either of them threw up while on their back, they would choke on it; being on their sides meant they might survive the ordeal. 

“Leyley?”

“Mm?”

“In your vision, what was death like?”

“Peaceful,” Leyley said. “It was just us, here, then a feeling of warmth and heaviness. I woke up from the vision with a sense of peace.”

“I hope that means hell is nice,” Andrew said. “Look up at the stars with me.”

“Very romantic.”

“It is, actually. Author Mary Shelley supposedly lost her virginity on her moms grave. Romeo and Juliet died in her family’s crypt.”

“You always knew how to bring the romance,” Leyley said, her voice somewhat unsteady. Romantic, not romance, Andrew almost corrected, but now wasn't the time. He was starting to feel dizzy and didn't want those to be his last words to her. 

“I love you, Leyley.”

Leyley didn’t respond, and Andrew didn’t want to risk moving his head to look at her. Instead, he reached his hand out to hold hers. He felt his muscles grow weaker and weaker, and he couldn't keep his eyes open. As his breathing started to slow, he felt himself overcome with a sense of peace and calm.

[moe-broey]

Ok, sorry if this feels a bit unprompted negativity but given our previous convo about how they write Alcryst (or rather, how they write about him), this short convo feels like everything wrong with it. Which is a shame because I still really like him but this stuff drags him down so much for me :(

Man is displaying deeply concerning behavior and eageress to get himself killed for no reason other than despising himself and yet everyone around him is like "Ah, Classic Alcryst, always so humble and modest." and like- I think Hortensia is the only one to use the correct term: self-loathing.

And while I admit it is kinda funny during battles where he's one of your best units and he's like "sorry i am so worthless...", in the Somniel and during support it feels EXTREMELY concerning and yet no one is treating it seriously and even worse the game plays the funny music because man, self-loathing is peak comedy. DUDE WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING DRAG HIM TO A THERAPIST ASAP HE COULDN'T MAKE IT ANY MORE CLEAR HE'S GOING TO GET HIMSELF HURT

OH MY GOSH WAIT. I THINK. You made something click for me actually I figured out Why his treatment by the writing feels So Bad

Like. This exchange didn't sit right with me either, but I kind of just shrugged it off like, eh, what can you do. Dumb writing will happen. But. Here's what I'm thinking.

I THINK. IF THIS DIALOGUE WAS ABOUT LAPIS. IT WOULD WORK SO MUCH BETTER. Because the thing about Lapis, is she IS very modest and humble, and if that's your first impression of her, it doesn't feel too bad. Because, that's exactly how she carries herself. And as you get to know her, it's very clear she does have self-esteem issues that directly ties into her being "humble" and "modest" -- she has low confidence. And, if you dig deeper, you find the route cause -- she's deeply self-conscious about how she was poor growing up, and I'd even go as far as to say the experience of growing up like that was traumatic for her. It still has lingering effects, where she's constantly scavenging and squirreling things away. (ESP significant when you consider her position is vastly different now -- she's working for royalty. She HAS to have security in a way she didn't have before. And yet, she's still acting as if she doesn't, still operating as if she's in survival mode.)

I think, Lapis' self image issues are handled so much better than Alcryst's. Like, it actually feels like I'm not explaining or expressing it well, but... the way Lapis is, how she carries herself and how her past is such a painful ever-present part of her, it's handled with nuance and care. You can See just how much it still hurts her, you can actually see that she has a Lot of unresolved issues about it, in the way she tries to hide her background and the way she snaps and breaks down if pushed too far about it. And even the way she talks down about herself, it's sad for sure, but it feels grounded. Also, there Are instances where she wishes for more for herself -- wishes, didn't feel this way about herself (esp thinking about her supports w Rosado). It's handled very well.

MEANWHILE, the way Alcryst's issues are handled.... in-universe and by the writing in general. There's. Actually so much to unpack here. But what you made click for me, WAS pointing out how he's clearly engaging in dangerous behavior. Which made me think, OH, he has. Another issue altogether actually. Like... with this level of self-loathing, and this level of Eagerness to put himself in danger. It does read like he could have suicidal ideation. Which. I mean, I know Engage is largely lighthearted, but if they took that angle more in his character, like... I think it would make a lot of sense. He has some prominent warning signs.

Like, I like that you said "eagerness", because it really IS the difference between him and Lapis (and Citrinne as well!). Lapis and Citrinne have resolve, a willingness and deep devotion to Alcryst. They're Willing to endanger themselves for his sake, because they fully understand it's part of their duty as retainers, it's something they wholeheartedly believe in and Want to dedicate themselves to. Meanwhile, Alcryst... he's just not well. Like. It's abundantly clear he's not well.

AND. Finally sort of getting to unpacking like. How this is treated in-universe. I think all these things considered, THAT'S why it feels so bad. Alcryst is showing clear signs of being extremely mentally unwell, maybe even cries for help, and over and over it's dismissed by the writing as comedic AND dismissed by the characters around him as Alcryst being kind, in his own "funny" way. Classic Alcryst! So humble. So modest.

Now, here's something I've been thinking about in all of this... I think, for some characters, it would actually make a lot of sense for them to regard him this way. I'm ESPECIALLY thinking of Lapis. It would make complete sense for her to idealize him, misconstruing these things about him in the process. It's clear she has feelings for him, for one, but also, I think she sees a lot of herself in him -- which may cause her to project onto him, too. Which blinds her, in a few different ways -- the main one being, I think, is how each is handling their issues. Yes, Lapis very much carries her past and the unresolved issues that came with it wherever she goes, seeping into every interaction she has. It consumes her. But, from like. An, "Is She In Any Danger Because of It" standpoint, she seems to be in the clear. I think, maybe, it would make sense, if in all of her romanticization of him and projection onto him, but not quite being in that dark place herself -- it may be very easy for her to look over it or call it something else (his Kindness, Humility, Modesty, ect -- maybe even bravery too, when it's actually just recklessness and little to no regard for what happens to himself).

But for other characters. My god, I wish they could just See it and call it what it is, exactly like Hortensia does. I wish the game ITSELF did that, actually. Because, I think THAT was the thing about Alcryst that I just couldn't place or put words to, how, I do love him, I do think he's funny, and I do like the parallels between him and Takumi -- how, each struggle interpersonally and from various Horrors, but. They're perceptive. And they're kind. But, there was just something I couldn't place, that felt Bad. And I think it is, the writing itself being dismissive and cavalier about the very heavy issues Alcryst is portraying. AND, almost trying to portray the issues as something else? As if it isn't That Bad. It's funny!! Or misguided bravery!! Heroic, even!! Like.... oof. That. Does not sit well.

And like. That's not even to say you Can't make his traits and tendencies funny. Cause exactly what you said, it IS SO FUNNY when Alcryst is one of your MVPs and you talk to him and he's just the saddest wettest poor little guy in the whole wide world like "I'm sorry :( I know I'm a burden :(" like BUDDY..... you are a crit and dodging machine of death and murder and you single handedly carried us to victory LMFAOOO -- ALSO. One of my FAVE moments in my playthrough was when he made like, a PERFECT meal, and he was like. "Oh.... I'm so sorry....... if it's not very good ..........." LIKE BUDDY!!!!!!! COME ON!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S OKAY YOU'RE DOING GREAT I PROMISE!!!!! Little moments like that, and I think in some supports as well if the context feels right for it, I think he can def have funny moments!!!

I'm SO sorry LMFAOOO I FEEL LIKE. I'VE BEEN TALKING IN CIRCLES AND GOING ON SO MANY TANGENTS. BUT. MAYBE. WHAT I WAS TRYING TO ILLUSTRATE HERE. Is it's extremely fucked up actually, for them to write a character who's showing some scary warning signs, only to dismiss those warning signs and say they're something else, even down to silly goofy music like. Espppp in how I just, largely ignored it, dismissing myself as "bad writing lmfao" or "a bit much" but like. While those things could be true, it's so fucked up that like.... the game itself makes you inclined to dismiss it. Maybe only leaving you with a few qualms and a nagging feeling, that something. Isn't quite right here.

[famousaft3rdeath]

i can't quite process everything this quickly.

it feels like everything is going a million miles a minute and as soon as i get one sandcastle built a tsunami comes and wipes it out.

i know i'm replacing a vice for a vice. i'm very wary of them all. the only vices i really want are drugs and self harm but yknow, cant do much of those internationally.

i can't keep dragging everyone else down with me. this is a sentiment i've repeated my entire conscious life, yet i've never abided. of course the one time i find a nice, normal guy, i'm in one of the most chaotic places i've ever been. such is life. i really just need to be alone. i tend to jump from guy to guy, begging for validation wherever i can get it, falling hard and fast until there is nothing there to catch me.

truthfully, i'm not sure i want anything to catch me anymore. it may be better for me to just close my eyes and jump into the abyss, ending up wherever i end up. i'm still considering ending things when i get home. it would be a lot easier, and a lot less expensive. i'm no longer in the angry, intense, weepy depression i've been in for the last few weeks. now it's just an acceptance. i have no goals, no passions, no reason to be here. plain and simple. people would get over it. i did. builds character, i think.

of course, there's the elephant-in-the-room reason. the angsty 13-year-old reason. revenge. "then they'll all be sorry." of course, it's just him. and i'm not even sure that he'd be sorry. i don't know that he would care at all. he doesn't care about me now, i know that for a fact. if he cared, he wouldn't have abandoned me like he did. i have no doubt in my mind that we'll never speak again. so a part of me, a larger part than i'd like to admit, wants to die just to make him feel like shit. he would 100% think it was his fault. and it partially would be. there's always the chance, though, that i'll do it and he won't care, and i'll never know. i do wish there was an afterlife, just so i can know if i made a mistake after it happens. it's so stupidly selfish, i know. i tend to be like that. maybe it would be better to keep everyone else from me. break their hearts once then never again. this may be the best course of action.

truthfully i don't know what's best. i never have. i've always been a planner: this is where i'll go to school, this is what my degree will be in, this is where i'll move after i graduate, i'll have a house by x age and retire by x year. of course, things never go as planned. why would they?

i've warned everyone, i think. said things not worrying enough to warrant action, but enough to raise some flags. not too much, obviously. but enough. that way if i do decide to do it, no one can say they didn't see it coming. everyone should see it coming at this point. i don't even know that it would make things that much worse for anyone. they all know it's coming. everyone except my father, i think, but my death would make his life so much easier that i think it would be fine. i am a sunk cost. he's put in too much time and money now to reconcile with the fact that it wasn't worth it. that i failed. that everything they both did was in vain.

i don't think i've ever felt like more of a failure in my life. i always have, at least a little bit, but no more than i do right now. i am disappointing everyone. not in a woe-is-me, everything is terrible way. just a fact. i've never once lived up to expectations, including my own. so what's the point in trying anymore?

[saymoretv]

I'm reading a book right now by a guy called David Marx about the universal human desire for status, and how it organises and informs the greater part of our identities - way beyond the obvious, conscious decisions we make about the clothes we wear, or the music we listen to. His assertion is that this drive for status, or the anxiety about losing or maintaining it, underpins wider class structures and in this way is key to understanding so much of human behaviours and motivations.

Marx explains that sociological phenomena of counter-cultures, subcultures or alternative cultures, generally come about as a way of smaller groups, often people shut out or unable to gain high or normal 'global status' (i.e. wealth, social capital), creating their own forms of cultural capital, often in direct opposition to the the global status values, and thus achieving a degree of 'local status' within their own communities and cultures. When he uses Punk as an example, his mentions of Jonny Rotten and the like aren't the most flattering, but it's hard to disagree with his overall thesis. More often than not choosing to be into something like Punk is less about truly being an individual, and more about finding a scene or community where what you say, think and do has value or esteem. Sometimes that means breaking rules and conventions, but more often than not, it means ascribing to more status markers than those you're able to bend or break in order to gain status and esteem. That's not to say the ideology of Punk as an act of questioning or rejection of certain norms, values, aesthetics, norms, isn't valid or important, and that this line of questioning should just as easily be focused on the hypocrisies of external wider cultures, as much as the internal culture of Punk. However, I do think it tells us something more about the wider sociology of Punk and Alternative music scenes or subcultures; you're membership of this smaller tribe makes you more of an 'individual' in relation to the 'global social order' but you're 'just another' Punk / Grunger / Metalhead / Goth / Skater within the context of your own community culture.

That's a very long, not to mention largely unnecessary and unrelated, preamble to this music video by Title Fight. This is a band I've been hesitant to post about, despite the fact they probably are one of my favourite bands of all time. I've never said that to anyone, and honestly, I feel kind of embarrassed even writing that down. And being the solipsistic type of fella I am, I thought I'd indulge in a bit of self-reflection as to why I should feel shame or any strong feelings when it comes to posting about a band from 10 years on a Tumblr with 2 followers, so here we are...🤷‍♂️

There is no status to be gained by admitting you like Title Fight, if anything it's probably a status killer. On a global, normie level their brand of Pop-ish, post-hardcore-ish, emo-ish, Punk is simply angsty guitar music for teens ('grow up'!) and on a local level, i.e. within Punk / Hardcore circles, they're popularity and notoriety make them mall punk / emo adjacent ('grow up'!), or at the very least, not a deep cut band for punk-hardcore heads, anyhow.

I guess what I'm describing are the mechanics behind the idea of 'guilty pleasures', i.e. cultural objects that by their association don't earn you any social or cultural clout, and in fact may even damage your credibility or status. What's useful about guilty pleasures is that they tell you when you really, authentically like something, and needless to say, we shouldn't really care about credibility when it comes to things that bring joy into your life. And this song, album and video brings a lot of joy into mine still. I've probably aged more into Hyperview than Shed (see I can be age appropriate at times!) but these song still does the business. I didn't actually realise how many of their music videos I'd missed, but this definitely captures the melancholy autumnal adolescent vibes of the first album well. I'm glad it's shot on a sort of 16mm / VHS film stock, making it feel more timeless and less 2010s. That said, looking at what the band are wearing reminds me of how much Polo Ralph Lauren there was in punk and, particularly, hardcore back then. Good times.

Anyhow, I don't earn cool points by liking this band or music video, but I guess neither do I earn them by being into Punk and Hardcore at my big age. At this point, globally, locally, or however you cut it, there's very little status to be gained by a guy in his late thirties listening to music that's ostensibly by and for angry adolescents. In fact as a I get older a lot of this latent status anxiety seems to ebb away, for the most part anyhow, which hopefully means less concern about clout, or fear of guilt and shame around choices and association. More joy, less guilt. Punk is pleasure.

[13eyond13]

Who do you think is more emotional/passionate out of Light and L?

I think they're both pretty emotional and passionate characters, but sometimes about different things, and they don't always express themselves in exactly the same ways.

Light seems a bit more comfortable being open about his emotions physically with others than L does to me. His facial expressions are extremely telling at times, as is his body language and his dramatic reactions to exciting events. I'm thinking of stuff like his big angry outbursts whenever he is thwarted by L, him openly crying in front of the others during Soichiro's death (which may have been somewhat a performance, but I think it was also genuine sorrow), and of course his epic meltdown in the warehouse once he could finally stop hiding his true thoughts and feelings from everybody else. I think his default setting is actually to be pretty demonstrative and shameless and showy with his emotions, both positive and negative ones. I don't think he's a very self-conscious person about his physicality, but he also is very good at buttoning up his feelings and reactions in canon because he's always attempting to come off polite, and and because he's spending most of the story hiding a lot of what he's doing and thinking from everybody else out of necessity. He's also obviously passionate about his ambitions and his ideals and his goals too. He's sort of an odd mix of very aloof and detached from everybody and secretly very involved with and invested in their lives and futures at the same time. But I'd definitely say he wouldn't have gone as far as he did if he wasn't a genuinely passionate person about the stuff he was trying to achieve.

I think L is also a very intense and dramatic character, but he's got a fairly stoic demeanor that keeps the highs and lows of his emotions more mysteriously under wraps. I think L does much of his expressing through his words rather than his physicality most times; and I think he might be a bit more comfortable with talking about his pessimistic emotions than Light would be, such as when he admits to feeling a bit disappointed and depressed. He's probably got a personality like this both because of how he was raised (a stiff upper lip kind of upbringing) and because he would usually be trying to keep a poker face during the Kira investigation simply as a means of protecting his own life. I think L is especially incredibly dry-humoured and has a sharp sense of irony, so he'd never do something like laugh out loud at his own joke; and he'd also probably be pretty hard to make laugh in general, even when he is very amused. I definitely can't see him ever evilly laughing over his diabolical plans the same way that Light will do from time to time, lol. I get the feeling L would find it incredibly uncomfortable and humiliating to cry in front of anybody else too, even if it was just a fake crocodile tears performance, and he would do his very best to avoid ever getting into that situation himself. He's probably far less concerned in his day-to-day life with being pleasant and accommodating and socially graceful than Light was raised to be as well, so he wouldn't often do the subtle little things like smiling and making small talk just to help someone else feel more at ease that Light would probably be automatically doing all the time. This might cause L to come off a little less expressive than Light does to others as well. But L also pulls some pretty dramatic faces and reactions to big moments at times too, such as when he falls on his ass after learning about shinigami, gets shaky and crumpled in on himself whenever people on the task force are endangered, and wickedly death glares at other characters for messing up his plans. He's obviously very passionate about his work and about being right as well, and I don't think he'd have gotten to where he is in life if he didn't care a whole lot about anything much.

TL;DR they're both dramatic boys, but I think Light's a bit more comfortable being physically expressive with his emotions, and L's a bit more comfortable being verbally expressive with his emotions

[lyssahlyssah]

Obey Me! The Present

a/n: not suitable for work

Well, this took a week of my life, but it's ok! It's obviously something I needed to get off my chest (ahem). I hope you enjoy. 🟣🔵⚫

pairing: F!MC x Belphegor, category: (very) not suitable for work, warnings: some angst, virgin sex, penetration, oral sex, teasing, man-eating petunias. description: Belphie give F!MC the present she's always wanted. wordcount: 2.1k

"Is there anything else I can do for you for your birthday? Being your present and all. "

In your room, Belphie stands in front of you with his usual coy smile. Tall and gorgeous, he cocks his head to one side causing hair to fall into his violet eyes. He confidently holds your gaze.  As the gaze lingers, his smile deepens, playfully suggestive.

Today is your birthday and you've spent it on a date with Belphie. Feeling guilty after forgetting to buy you anything, he had cleverly volunteered to be your present, granting you any wishes you wanted.

Excited by his creativity (and the prospect of time with him alone), you had taken full advantage, first visiting the planetarium and then the botanical gardens. You'd laughed together, played around, took naps under a tree with his head in your lap. At the botanical gardens, he'd even rescued you from man-eating petunias after you took a wrong turn, and had shamelessly teased you about it since. Everything was effortless and fun when you were together.

And now, looking at his smiling face, you reflected on how far the two of you'd come. This wasn't Belphie from long ago in the attic; the angry and vengeful demon that once tried to kill you, heart twisted with hate from the loss of his beloved sister. No, he had changed. As time had gone on, he had warmed to the whole world, even to his older brother Lucifer, whom he had once admitted hating to the point of murder. He was now letting people to get close to him again. And especially you. He had opened the door to his heart and was inviting you in.

Because of the complicated history you shared, a special bond grew between you. His aloofness drew your open and loving nature like a moth to a flame, and you clicked like magnets due to your differences. Over any of the other brothers, he made you feel comfortable. Facing him now, you realized you've fallen hard for the infamous sloth demon. It was for those reasons, a response to his question immediately floated to your lips.

"Kiss me", you say, giving him a smile of your own.

"Sure", he agrees, a blush on his cheeks. Your lips meet. It's soft and sweet. Somehow, even though you aren't sure where he found the time between naps to become this way, Belphie is an incredible kisser.

His lips push down on yours with a little more force, then abruptly pull back, leaving you breathless. "Is that all?" he asks. "In that case, I'll give myself to you every day" his eyes crinkle in a smile, ever teasing.

You wet your lips, heart pattering in your chest. You did want more from him...a lot more.  Now or never. you think. You catch his hand and hold it. "Ah...Belphie...actually, what I want instead, is to give m-myself....to you." you stammer a little in getting it out. His eyes widen as he realizes what you're insinuating. Silence.

"MC...you sure? With me?" Belphie stares back at you, no longer joking. He pauses. "Why me? Why not Lucifer...or...or...The Great Mammon?" he says, with a sarcastic flourish.

When he sees your face drop, he immediately apologizes and runs a hand through his thick hair, ruffling it. His voice softens. "I'm sorry...I've been angry for so long, you know? Sometimes it just comes out when I don't mean it to."

He takes your hand again and pulls you to the bed where you sit down together. Color rises in his cheeks. "Really though...I've lied to you, I've manipulated you. Not that long ago...I even tried to kill you. Why am I the one you want for this?" He searches your face for an answer. 

"You're my master, I can't refuse you, and I'd be crazy to anyway, but...why me?" Standing up, he paces a few feet in a circle, then sits down again. You've rarely seen him this worked up; it's obvious he still hasn't totally forgiven himself for hurting you.

"I love you Belphie", the words fall out of your mouth. Your eyes widen. You search your feelings and know it isn't a lie. His eyes are wide too. "Do...do you mean that?" he questions, leaning back.

You nod, "I need you, Belphie. I feel safe with you; I know you'd never hurt me now. And...I know you need me too". You continue, your voice low. "I want you. More than anyone else".

The words visibly shake him. He drops his head, staring into his lap, then slowly brings his head back up and gazes at you. You're taken aback by the open desire you see there. It's as if a mask has fallen off and you're seeing the real him for the first time.

When he speaks, it's slowly, deliberately.

"I want to know you that way, MC...More intimately than anyone ever has." His eyes start to glow a fierce purple. "You're mine, and I want to be your first. I want to give you something to remember me by when you go back to the human world." You swallow hard, your heart starting to race and nod.

He leans forward, takes your face between his hands, and kisses you. And again. Deeply, tongue reaching hungrily into your mouth. You whimper against his lips, full of want.

You give yourself over completely to his touch. His hands are on your face, guiding the movement of your heads. It feels so good, all the strength leaves you, and you fully let him hold you up. Between kisses, he makes small sounds of passion.

"You drive me crazy" he murmurs, looking into your eyes. A thrill runs up your spine. He's here, fully here - with you. No distance. Not a trace of sleepiness. In this moment of closeness, Belphie has completely overcome his sin.

You gasp as his fingers effortlessly snap off the button to your jeans with an audible pop. "Oops", he says, not sounding sorry in the slightest.

He leans you back onto the covers. Continuing to kiss you, he slides his hand into your jeans and caresses your lower stomach, playing with the hollow of your hip bone. Ticklish, you sharply draw in a breath, causing him to smile at you. "Don't be nervous" he says reassuringly. "I'll take care of you".

He sides your pants down, and then completely takes them off. You shiver, all at once feeling vulnerable.

"Mmmm..." He murmurs, looking over your body. "You're so beautiful. I've dreamed about getting to touch you like this". He reverently slides his hands up and down your thighs, your hips, your waist. Goosebumps raise up at his touch.

Holding your gaze, he leans down and pulls your shirt over your head then sits upright and does the same for himself. His hair is even more disheveled afterward and the thought of it being that way because you're in bed together turns you on.

Even though you've napped together endlessly, you've never seen this much of his body, and you sigh with pleasure drinking in the width of his shoulders, his flat stomach. He watches you just as avidly and the small smile returns as he sees the effect he has on you.

Leaning in, Belphie captures your lips once more in a steamy kiss. Running his hands up your shoulders, he cups your cheeks, then traces down your back and unhooks your bra. You respond by thrusting your own hands into his hair and pulling him to you.

He kisses his way down your chest and your stomach, where his lips leave little trails of fire on your skin. You try but can't remember ever feeling more aroused. He playfully nips your belly button as it goes by, and smiles when you jump and protest, eyes glinting.

Belphie stops between your legs, breathing out slowly, and kisses up one of your thighs. At the top he hugs it to his face, cheek pressing into the flesh. Pausing, he looks at you sideways and says, "I've wanted to do this since we met".

Taking his time, he hooks your panties with one finger and pulls them down. Admiring the view, he runs a finger down your core, lightly teasing your clit. You sigh, then jump when he gives a jerk. "You're so fucking wet down here" he utters in awed tones.

Seeing you so excited for him seems to unhinge him a little. Looking at your soaked slit with total attention, he raises his finger to his lips and lightly sucks off your excitement. His eyes flutter close and a low groan of desire escapes him. Leaning in, he buries his face in your folds. His soft tongue pushes roughly against your swollen clit and it's your turn to gasp.

He continues to work on you for a few minutes. The pleasure overwhelms you, but still, you want him deeper. Parts of yourself you aren't familiar with are showing up and demanding to be satisfied. You try to stretch your legs further and wider apart so his tongue can reach every needy part of you. More than happy to help, he greedily tongues your tight hole. "B-Belphie!" Your voice rises as you near your climax. He reaches one hand up and laces your fingers through his. "Go ahead, MC...I've got you, you're safe. I want to taste you when you cum." Soothed, you let yourself go fully, shuddering, waves of euphoria threatening to drown you. "Mmmm..." Belphie says contentedly. You can feel his lips as he captures every last drop on his tongue.

You collapse into the pillows as the pleasure ebbs away, but he doesn't give you time to rest. You feel manicured fingers slide into your slippery hole. At first, it's a gentle in-and-out getting you used to the sensation. You squirm, your flesh still sensitive from his earlier attentions. After a few moments, he picks up the pace and starts pushing into you faster and deeper, turning and curling the digits. Mewling with every thrust, you blush bright red, still a little self-conscious  From his place cradled between your legs, he watches your face possessively. "I love your sounds", he says.

Pleasure begins to fill your abdomen once again as you near climax, and you involuntarily start to grind against his hand, desperate to increase the tempo. Loving your impatience, he dips his head down and bites you on the inside of your thigh, near your core. Surprised by the unexpected sensation, you're pushed over the edge, launching into oblivion for the second time. This time he can't help himself and covers your mouth in a passionate kiss, jealously swallowing your cries of pleasure.

Thoroughly ravaged, you look up at him through half-lidded eyes. Belphie looks back at you, spellbound by the state you're in. "B...Belphie", you manage to get out. "What, MC?" he softly answers. "I need you inside me", you pleadingly say to his violet eyes. He shudders and pulls back from you.

"Okay", he says, unfastening his pants button. He pulls them down and his length springs out, large, strong, and perfect. Dazzled, your mouth drops open slightly. He smiles confidently at you and crawls back up your body. Once there, he turns your hips so you're lying on your back with your hips to one side, lined up to your exposed slit on his knees. He runs his hands over your ass, squeezing it, testing its softness, before bringing his hands back to grip your hip with both hands. "Tell me if I hurt you", he says with unexpected tenderness and starts to push inside you.

Due to the position of your hips and your overall tightness, his first thrust is shallow, but the friction makes you both groan. Pulling out slowly, drawing out the pleasure, he pushes inside again, going slightly deeper. Your eyes roll back in your head. He feels blissful, way past anything you had imagined.

Using your hip to pull your ass against his lap, he starts to move more quickly. With abandon, you throw your arms against the covers above your head, your face falling to one side and breasts jiggling as the snap of his thrusts push you up and down. Also lost in pleasure, his eyes are closed and low groans rumble from his throat.

It doesn't take long for you to climax again, and then again. Your walls clenching tightly around him, each climax earns you a growl, but Belphie shows no signs of giving you mercy. Finally, even though you wish it could last forever, he thrusts deeply within you and you feel his warmth spread into your abdomen.

Completely spent, you lay together in the candlelight, your head on his chest, legs intertwined. Your core aches sweetly. He holds you close. Happier than you've felt in your entire life, you both start to drop off. As you do, you raise your head to look at him, and you see he's already asleep. Full of affection, your chin on his chest, you breathe, "Thank you for granting my wish". Seconds later, fading into darkness you hear him whisper, "I love you, too".

[zixzs-ajk]

Hey hey hey! Your Ralsusie colleague @vsa-pieldepapel referred me to you in their last ask. By the way, loving the art and the fic; I'm sure you contribute to more than half of the Ralsusie fanworks. Be the change you want to see in the world, am I right?

If you've got time, I'd love to hear any takes you have on the jock Susie and the studious Ralsei in a high school drama AU. Same details as provided in the ask I gave @vsa-pieldepapel.

Something I neglected to mention to your colleague however was that, at the time of meeting and doing work with Ralsei, Susie is already dating someone. Their relationship, at the time of Ralsei's arrival, is wonky and low-key toxic on her partner's part, but she refuses to leave out of worry for her partner's mental health. Only if her partner did despicable things beyond measure would she leave the relationship officially. (And from the looks of it, once they catch wind of Ralsei being in cahoots with their girlfriend, he'll quickly become a target of their schemes.)

So, with that in mind... if you have any ideas, lay them down!

Hey thanks! Glad you like the stuff, and indeed the main reason I got into drawing/writing so much Susei was that I was sick of waiting for someone else to make it lol.

I guess outta the gate I should say that I don’t much deal with love-triangle-esque scenarios; not to say they can’t have their own appeal, just that it complicates things too much for me, usually. The topic of toxic relationships resulting from mental health issues is a tricky one to approach. All the love in the world can’t prevent deep-rooted issues like that. I think a big factor might be that (according to how you described) Susie’s largely in such a relationship because she’s desperate for affection, rather than having any significant chemistry with her partner. Then along comes Ralsei, who gives her affection without qualification, which removes her main reason for being in a toxic relationship with this mysterious individual (I am unsure if you want to use part of the main cast for this role or if it’d be safer to use an OC). I’d like to think that she ax’s (ha) the toxic relationship IMMEDIATELY when her partner targets Ralsei out of jealousy and/or desperation, and I imagine it’s not a very clean breakup, knowing Susie. Tainting one of the few good relationships she has is absolutely not something she would tolerate. Regardless of how worried she is about the mental health of her partner, she can only take so much stress herself, and it’s entirely realistic that she refuses or even can’t deal with that for her own sanity’s sake.

With that out of the way, I’d see it as Susie attempting to keep her and Ralsei’s relationship (whether platonic or otherwise) on the down-low; then when the cat’s outta the bag, she just owns it (“Yeah, I’m dating him, so what?”). He doesn’t quite understand the initial secrecy but doesn’t much question it, since he’s the new kid and Susie seems cool enough to be friends with. He’s immensely patient with her when it comes to what she struggles with (read: homework, studying, tests, etc.) and always talks good about her, no matter what the other students gossip about. Susie tends to be dismissive of “the little runt” rather than malicious, but inadvertently admits that he’s got a heart bigger than anyone else’s (and the brains to boot).

Here are a couple fluffy scenarios I can think of, in no particular order;

Susie doesn’t normally care about school but needs her grades to be passable, and this new guy seems nerdy enough to help her.

Ralsei waits for her to finish practice so they can study together, and sits to the side as Susie practices. He’s enamored with BIG MUSCLES and Susie’s athleticism, while she’s trying to figure out why she’s so self-conscious practicing in front of Ralsei (“why do I wanna impress him, anyways?”)

(borrowed from Vsa lol) Ralsei sets up a sorta reward-system of food to motivate Susie to study, since she’s all-brawn-little-brains. She’s almost embarrassed by how effective it is.

One study night turns into a heart-to-heart between them when they talk about their struggles at school (Ralsei being the “new kid,” Susie being too intimidating to make many friends, etc.)

Ralsei (and by proxy Susie) are invited to a sort of mini get-together with Kris ( + maybe Noelle and even Berdly), and they subconsciously gravitate towards each other when Kris puts on a surprise horror film for them all. Berdly inadvertently spreads rumors about the two at school, leading to some questionable considerations on both their parts about the relationship they really have with each other.

Ralsei stays up super late compiling a study guide for Susie; the next day, he falls asleep against her shoulder while they’re reading together, and she just stays quiet about it (though has difficulty focusing on the book by that point, lol).

Ralsei tries joining her in sport for fun, he is terrible at it but Susie is enamored by his effort all the same. BONUS: He accidentally gets hurt (maybe twists his arm/leg awkwardly) and Susie carries him to safety/nurse’s office/etc. like it’s a life-or-death scenario.

Susie gets invited to a party for her athlete-all-star status, but only agrees to go if she can bring Ralsei since he’s never been to a party before; the entire night, she hangs around him, shrugging off everyone else and pseudo-protecting Ralsei from being made fun of at the “cool kids” party.

Susie gets picked to show Ralsei where everything in the supply closet is, and they both accidentally lock themselves in the cramped space, leading to Ralsei noticing just how much bigger Susie is than him (and vice versa).

Apologies about the long answer lol, I had fun thinking of this stuff. Hope that suffices!

[mochiable]

— cherries & foam. (f)

↣ summary: you've had a stressful day at work and Lucas is there to make your evening more enjoyable.

↣ pairing: boyfriend!lucas x fem!reader

↣ genre: fluff

↣ word count: +3k

↣ warnings: a bit suggestive

a/n: english is not my first language, so if you see any grammatical or spelling mistakes don't hesitate to tell me. any constructive criticism will be always welcome.

“Hello, love," you greeted your boyfriend as you walked through the door.

Lucas was lying on the couch watching the series you had sworn to watch together. You pouted unconsciously. Letting out a sigh, you took off your shoes and left your coat on the rack at the entrance.

“Are you watching the eleventh season of Modern Family without me?,” a new pout reappeared on your lips when you turned around and faced him.

Lucas turned his head in the direction of the tv and let out a nervous laugh, "Sorry, we can always resume to the last episode we watched together."

You couldn’t help the smile that formed on your lips as you heard him talk, "Don't worry, right now all I want to do is sleep until next year."

“Mhm, bad day?,” he questioned approaching you and bringing his face close to yours. You nodded softly as you grabbed his wrists and directed his arms around your waist.

“It was the most stressful day of my life, I swear I'm not exaggerating," you whispered, draping your arms around his shoulders and around his neck.

“You've been working so hard lately," he murmured, caressing your hip with his thumb. You nodded again with your eyes closed as you rested your forehead on his chest. You noticed how one of his hands went up to your head and started stroking your hair, "Do you want me to give you a massage?"

You groaned helplessly at the relaxation you got from the thought of it, eliciting a giggle from your boyfriend, "I'll take that as a yes."

You smiled again as you rose your head and looked into his eyes. He smiled back at you and moved in to kiss you. A lingering kiss, but not erotic at all. When you pulled apart you stood with your faces so close that your noses were touching, both of you with your eyes closed.

"You'll have to wash up first though, you smell a little," he teased just inches from your mouth, gaining a scoff and a punch on the arm from you, which made him laugh more, "how about you lie down on the bed while I run you a bath? Or do you want something to eat first?"

“I prefer the bath," you answered, but your look changed from a sweet one to one full of illusion, “wait, would you really run me a bath?”

“Ouch, are you that surprised?”, he answered with mock offense, bringing one of his hands to where his heart would be, making you laugh, “I'd make you as many as you want. Aigoo, my baby works very hard”.

You chuckled again, this time hitting him in the chest, “stop fooling around and go run me that bath, ‘cmon”.

“As you wish, Captain," he replied mockingly, putting a hand to his forehead as if he were a soldier.

Once Lucas left the dining room to go to prepare your bath, you headed to the kitchen with difficulty and opened the fridge looking for some snacks. You decided on the cherries in a small bowl, assuming Lucas had gone to buy them earlier this morning. You smiled sideways and took out the bowl, sat down on the counter and started eating.

“Babe, come on, it's ready!,” you heard him call you from the bathroom. You let out a sigh, shifting your gaze between your feet and the floor, “Y/N?”

“I can't!,” you answered, putting three cherries in your mouth, chewing slowly.

“Why not? What's the matter?,” his voice got closer and closer until your boyfriend's pretty face came through the kitchen door, “what's wrong?,” he asked in a soft voice as he walked over to you and looked with amusement at the bowl of cherries, “hey, that was meant for me!”, he whined, pouting cutely. You rolled your eyes and, without saying anything, stretched your arms in his direction. He looked at you with a raised eyebrow before crossing his arms, “you don't expect me to carry you, do you?”

You smiled excited as you waved your still raised arms at him, “please~”

Lucas sighed before he let out a laugh and ruffles your hair, making you squeal, “just because I love you”.

In less than two seconds you were in his arms, bridal style. You noticed how he held you with one arm, which made you frown, and turn your head, watching him grab the bowl of cherries with one of his hands. You looked at him with both eyebrows raised, waiting for an explanation, "what? I'm hungry”.

The moment Lucas opened the bathroom door, you tried not to let your mouth brush the floor. He had decorated the bathroom with red scented candles and dipped a bath bomb in the tub, giving the water a golden color.

You stared in awe at your boyfriend as he set you down and looked up at you with a proud smile.

"Baby, you didn't have to," you said stroking his cheek with your thumb.

He directed his hand and placed it on your wrist to pull it away from his face and give it a gentle squeeze, "come here," he replied leading you to the tub. He began to remove your thin jacket, then your shirt and undershirt.

You looked at him intrigued, "Xuxi, I understand you feel like doing things, but I'm too tired".

He looked at you in confusion and, after looking at the clothes now lying on the floor, opened his mouth and then quickly closed it. He brought his gaze back up to your face and gave you a gentle smack on the forehead, “No, pabo, I don't want to do anything”.

Without waiting a second longer, he bent down and unbuttoned your pants and then started to pull them down your long legs. You couldn’t help but bristle as he left a chaste kiss on your inner thigh. You've always felt self-conscious about your legs. You weren't what was considered the perfect ideal in Korea and, although you didn't like to admit it, the looks and comments people made about you had made you insecure about that part of their body.

Lucas knew that, in fact, you didn't need to tell him. When he saw that you stopped wearing skirts or shorts he knew something was wrong, and he didn't hesitate to show you how perfect you were for him and that the only important thing was that you felt comfortable in your own body. And he had not stopped proving it to you to this day.

“Do you want me to take off your underwear?,” he asked, looking down gently at you.

You ducked your head, embarrassed and slightly blushing, but it didn’t take you long to nod. Lucas smiled in response and, as gently as he could, placed his long fingers on your hips making your skin crawl. That was adorable to him, so he deposited a small kiss this time very close to your groin. Slowly, he began to pull down the small piece of cloth still covering you and threw it on the floor along with the rest of your clothes.

He immediately stood up, placing his hands on your shoulders and turning you around, making your back face him. Delicately running his hands up your arms, he reached the clasp of your bra and nimbly unfastened it. Then he turned you again and tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear and smiled sweetly at you.

He hadn't looked down once. He kept looking into your eyes the whole time and thinking how he was so lucky to meet you and delight in sharing moments like this with you. Despite the years you've been together and the fact that this isn't the first time he's seen you without any clothes on, this moment felt, without a doubt, absolutely special.

“You are beautiful," he whispered, causing your cheeks to turn crimson red. Since the first date he hadn't stopped complimenting you and making you feel like the most special person on the planet, but you couldn’t help but feel self-conscious every time he emphasized how important you were to him.

And there he had you, completely at his mercy. You felt so small under his gaze yet so powerful. You knew it was at times like these that he would do whatever you asked, just as he knew you would do the same for him. But Lucas treated you with such affection that, even in this situation, he would never hurt you, in any way, shape or form.

“I heated the water just the way you like it, even though it's probably not as hot now as you'd prefer. Sorry about that," he smiled apologetically at you, making it inevitable that a smile took the shape of your lips, "oh, I also poured the bubble soap”.

“How could I have been so lucky?,” you asked rhetorically, hugging him by the waist but keeping your head up to see his face.

“You'll have to specify a little more, I don't know if you're referring to me or that I had to fight with an old lady for the last bottle of soap," he joked, provoking laughter from both of you.

“Thank you," you said sincerely, looking him straight in the eye.

“Don't thank me, sweetie,” he winked at you as he took you by the hand and helped you up the small step that was blocking your easy way into the bathtub. Once inside, you laid your head on the curve, where there was a towel to avoid further pain.

Lucas knelt down and began to wet your hair while you closed your eyes at the soothing sensation. Minutes passed and you had already gotten used to the temperature and pampering of your boyfriend. Lucas took the shampoo and made you sit up so he could apply the soap more easily on you.

You were hugging your knees, which were pressed to your chest. You didn't know how but, somehow or other, you still felt weak in front of him. You were so in love with him that if moments like these were to end someday you wouldn't know how to go on with your life.

After a few minutes, Lucas' soft fingers were tangled in your hair, gently massaging your skin in an attempt to clear your mind. Later, he rinsed your hair and applied vanilla soap (your favorite) on a sponge. Then he started to rub it on your back and then on your arms, chest and legs.

Some of you will say, couldn't she do this on her own? But you only say that because you don't know how romantic and tender it is to have your favorite person take such good care of you.

A splash aimed at your face snapped you out of your thoughts. You quickly brought the palms of your hands to your eyes and wiped away the traces of water that had lingered in the area. When you finally opened them you found your boyfriend holding back laughter. You raised an eyebrow and didn't hesitate to return the splash. That quickly turned into a water... and soap war.

“Ouch!," you squealed as a bit of suds got in your right eye. You immediately felt Lucas lean over the tub and pull your hands away from your face. He held your chin with his middle finger and thumb and turned your face in his direction.

He grimaced at the sight of your eye and stroked the bottom of it with the thumb of his other hand, trying to dry the area a bit, “It's a little sore, does it sting?”

You shook your head, "No, but you're going to pay for it," at the look of confusion on your boyfriend's face, you splashed him again, making him scream and provoking laughter from both of you.

After a few minutes of trying to regulate your breathing, Lucas turned around and grabbed the bowl of cherries he had brought with him. He carefully set it down on the step of the tub and directed a cherry to your mouth. You gladly took it and playfully bit his finger afterwards, to which he raised his eyebrows.

“Don't heat up what you don't want to eat," he warned, popping two cherries into his mouth. You laughed and moved a little closer to him. Luke picked up a cherry again and directed it at you, but you frowned and took it from him, leaving him confused. You made the gesture of handing it to him, bringing it closer to his mouth, but when it was already brushing his lips you quickly pushed it away and popped it in your mouth. You let out another laugh when you saw his annoyed face, "don't tempt me, y/n," he scolded you with fake annoyance, to which you stuck your tongue out at him.

Once Lucas finished bathing you he sat on the floor, resting his elbow on the step and holding your head with the palm of his hand. He smiled internally when he saw you playing with the little foam that was still left, passing it from one hand to the other and putting it back in the water. You were silent for a few seconds, feeling how his gaze never left you for a moment. You decided to raise your head, meeting the loving eyes of your boyfriend, who looked at you as if you were the most beautiful and expensive work of art in any museum.

“Why are you looking at me, Xuxi?,” you asked in a low tone of voice, closing your eyes and resting your face on your knee, which was sticking out of the water.

“How beautiful you look," he answered, holding back the urge to pull you out of the bathtub and hug you for the rest of the night. You opened your eyes and smiled broadly, making Lucas' heart pound, so much that he felt like it was going to burst out of his mouth. “Do you want me to leave so you can enjoy the bath by yourself?,” he asked with the intention of getting up and leaving the bathroom.

You quickly shook your head and pulled your arm out of the water to grab one of her hands and entwine it with yours, “stay with me, I always enjoy being with you”.

“I know, you tell me that every night," he joked, causing you to splash him again with the now cold water in the bathtub, eliciting a laugh from him.

Lucas moved his free hand to your knee that was closest to him and began to caress it, slowly lowering it until his hand was submerged in the water, continuing his caresses on the top of your thigh, very close to your hip.

You couldn't stop your skin from prickling again at such a sensation. It seemed that Lucas had some power over you, that he had somehow bewitched you so that, every time he touched you, wherever it was, you felt your legs tremble. Every time his fingers came into contact with your skin you felt soft electric shocks, which not only passed through your sensory nerves, but reached deep into your heart. You had often wondered if this was what people called "being in love", because if this sensation was the definition of being in love, then you had achieved the highest position.

“It's so cute how your skin prickles every time I touch you," he whispered, bringing his face close to yours, allowing you to smell his minty breath.

“That's the effect you have on me," you murmured back, directing your gaze to his pink lips.

“Mhm, that sounded sexy," he teased, giving you a gentle pinch on your thigh, causing an intense blush to take over your cheeks.

“You're weird," you laughed, bringing your hand in the direction of his, which was still underwater. You brought it to your mouth and placed a short but gentle kiss on his knuckles, then rested your cheek on the top of his hand. “Don't you want to get in here with me? The water is just the way you like it”.

He shook his head, "I'm fine here, I like looking at you”.

You were silent for a few minutes, looking at each other and thinking about how much you had missed each other.

“You're shaking, do you want to go out?,” Lucas asked, stroking the back of your hand.

When you nodded like a little girl, Lucas got up from the floor and walked over to the corner where your towels were on the electric towel rack. He grabbed the softest one and spread it out, shaking it gently to finish unfolding it. Then he picked up a smaller one for your feet and walked over to you, holding the one for your body with one hand and stretching the one for your feet on the edge of the tub. With his free hand he grabbed your hand and pulled you towards him to lift you up, helping you cautiously out of the tub, getting your feet onto the towel that was laying on the floor. He made a gesture with his head for you to move your arms away from your sides, which you did, and, with a smile, he wrapped your body in the soft towel.

With one hand you held the towel so as not to drop it and pulled it even tighter to your body. He then bent down to open one of the drawers on the shelf and from there he pulled out another towel. He walked back over to you and turned you around, with you facing the mirror and your back to Lucas. He lifted the towel and dropped it over your head, then began to move it in gentle circles, massaging your scalp. You closed your eyes, forcing yourself to relax.

“You're the best boyfriend I've ever had," you opened your eyes wide when you heard him laugh. Had you said that out loud?

“I don't really know whether to be flattered or offended," he joked, finally dropping the towel from your head, meeting your boyfriend's amused face through the mirror.

You felt your cheeks heat up from one moment to the next and smiled apologetically at him. It was true, you had never had a boyfriend before, and it wasn't something you used to be ashamed of, not until now.

“Well, I think you should be flattered," you said, putting a clip on your towel so it wouldn't fall and turning around. You moved as close to him as possible and raised your hands to place them on his shoulders. You stood on tiptoe so you could reach his face, “even if I had a thousand boyfriends, you'd still be the best," you smiled as you watched Lucas bite his lower lip trying to hold back the huge smile that was about to escape him. Without waiting another second you pressed your lips to his, in a short and soft kiss.

“Tell me something I don't know," he teased making you both laugh before melting into another kiss, this one much longer and more passionate than the other, in which you showed each other how much you loved each other and how much you needed each other.

It was at that moment that you realized how lucky you were to be with a man like Lucas. Because he wasn't a boy, he was truly a man. And best of all, he wasn't just any man, he was your man.

copyright © 2021 @/mochiable. all rights reserved.

[lastoneout]

Is the reason Mariner is a nerdsexual cuz (like from ur fic) she’s super self-conscious about her genuine interests and can’t take people mocking her over it and she really admires how some people are open about their nerdiness?

(This got long as fuck so it's under a cut sorry I just have a lot of thoughts on Mariner and decided to just fully psychoanalyze her here I guess.)

TL;DR: YES

But yeah I don't think she'd ever admit it but that's a very interesting take and I could see it being true.

Like you see at the end of season one her admit to some nerdy interests and she does hang out with like, exclusively nerdy characters. Even Jen has the whole wanting to rank up and thinking that being a captain is cool thing going on which we know Mariner isn't a fan of, but like...it could very well be that Mariner wishes she could be more open about the things she likes and cares about and so she kinda subconsciously surrounds herself with people who are.

Cuz yeah Boimler might be a people pleaser but he knows what he wants and doesn't seem ashamed of wanting to rank up or liking the warp core or caring about protocol(like the only people he seems worried about liking him are upper ranking officers which has more to do with his desire to rank up than his desire to like, be liked in general). Tendi doesn't seem ashamed of any of her interests, nor does Rutherford(hell I'd argue Rutherford is the most confident out of them he really seems to know wants basically all the time and aside from the time he tried to change divisions for Tendi, and even then he was clearly going directly against what he knew he wanted). Jen also doesn't seem to care what anyone thinks about her.

Mariner really does seem like the one character in the main cast who keeps a lot of herself hidden behind walls, and I think a lot of that probably is fear of being judged even if some part of her knows her friends would never judge her for the things she likes.

She also reminds me of that scene in the new Jumanji movie where the popular girl tells the nerdy girl "Maybe you're so afraid that people won't like you that you decide you don't like them first". Like, the season two finale basically confirmed she does that, on top of s2ep5 confirming that Boimler is basically the only person she even comes close to showing her true emotions to and she STILL pushes him away too.

And like we didn't see it get addressed in season 2(because...bad writing) but it really seems like the relapse she had in the evil computer episode about Boimler not being "ready" to go on big, dangerous missions was a last-ditch unhealthy effort to keep him around. If he's going on bigger missions he might get promoted again and leave her, and on top of that we know cuz of the thing with Barb she's terrified of her friends dying so she was probably worried if he went on that mission without her he'd die.

She like...doesn't even know how to keep her friends around in a healthy way? She can't just tell Boimler that she's scared he'll die or that she doesn't want him to get promoted and leave her behind again, she has to lie and sabotage his career behind the scenes and get into fights with him. She's so terrified of being vulnerable and judged that she'd literally rather actually do super unhealthy stuff that will, in the end, actually make them leave than just TALK to them.

I also do kind of imagine that Mariner has a lot of self-worth issues, mostly due to in Crisis Point how Holo!Mariner was totally willing to sacrifice herself to save everyone and didn't seem to care at all that she was going to die. Like, even in the season two finale she didn't want to let Boimler go down to detach the last panel because she has to be the one to do the dangerous things, which I think is honestly less because she doesn't trust her friends to do things and more because she doesn't care if she dies or gets hurt as long as her friends and everyone else live.

(It's why I'm kinda pissed she didn't care that Boimler nearly died, I feel like that would actually fucking kill her inside from what we've seen of how protective she is of her friends and insistent on putting herself in danger. She went batshit trying to keep Boimler from getting eaten by Barb in season one, only in season two to not care that she let him do something dangerous in her place and he actually nearly died. Like...ehhhh.)

Like imo constantly taking the most risks herself and not caring that she was going to die because it was for the greater good plus always hiding her emotions and genuine interests behind tons of walls and defense mechanisms, and her reliance on her cool badass persona which seems to be partially true but also partially exaggerated really does point to a person who is deeply insecure about themselves, terrified of being judged or rejected(she did also mention her abandonment issues), and who probably also struggles to see her own inherent worth. (And has likely had people she cares about get hurt and die because she wasn't good enough to protect them and has kinda vowed internally to never let it happen again no matter what it costs her.)

This could also point to like, part of why she keeps herself hidden. Maybe she's holding herself to different standards, which is something I know people with anxiety and other self-worth issues do. Like it's perfectly okay if my friends, who I love, are nerdy and imperfect and do x thing, but if I do it it's Bad and everyone will judge me and hate me and abandon me. Maybe Mariner just doesn't see herself as worthy of the same love and consideration that her friends are.

Which also like...girl basically admitted in the finale that she can't believe Jen doesn't spend time obsessing over what Mariner thinks of her. Makes me think Mariner might spend a lot of time obsessing over what EVERYONE thinks of her and just represses the hell out of it.

So it would absolutely make sense to me that she like, keeps these friends around who are honest and talk about their feelings(more or less) and aren't ashamed of their interests because she wishes she could be that way. I don't think she realizes she's doing that if she is, or if she knows she'd ever admit it, but I can see her being envious that like, Boimler and Rutherford play Diplomath and don't care that it's geeky or how Jen doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks about her or how Tendi is unapologetically over the top especially because it really seems like Mariner just Can't do that.

Mariner can't stop caring what others think, can't stop being afraid she'll be judged, can't see her inherent worth beyond what she can sacrifice to save others, and is so terrified of everyone leaving her that she either pushes them away or acts so unhealthy that they end up leaving anyway. She could very well be consciously or subconsciously jealous that the people she loves can have good relationships and talk about their problems and live authentically, and be drawn to them just to like, get a taste of what living like that is even like.

Actually, I'm writing a fic rn where I kinda explore all of this, because psychoanalyzing Mariner is my favorite hobby, based on how in the interviews on Jen and Mariner's relationship the showrunner kept talking about how Mariner has unresolved issues and won't be an easy person to date. It's a hell of a dramatic fic but I really just want to push the limit of what a complete rock bottom crash and burn would be for her, where she just ruins everything with all of her friends and Jen because she doesn't know how to have healthy relationships or deal with her feelings. (It does have a happy ending tho.)

Yeah again sorry this got long I just find Mariner fucking fascinating and I love thinking about the layers of issues she has and how they affect her story and relationships.

[marshmallow-xphile]

My thoughts on the sexuality of some of my favorite X-files characters.

I posted this in my X-files amino back in June as part of a LGBTQ pride challenge and for some reason I only just thought to post it here as well.

Fox Mulder: openly bisexual

Mulder is so open sexually that I really don't think gender matters all that much to him. He does seem to prefer females but I wouldn't be even remotely surprised if he had a boyfriend or two in the past. I don't think he's flamboyant about his sexuality but I don't think he'd hide it at all either

My evidence:

In the season one episode "Ghost in the Machine" we meet an Mulder's ex-partner, Jerry, and I absolutely feel like there is an ex-lovers vibe to the both of them. They hug upon first seeing each other, Mulder looks incredibly happy to see him, when Mulder says they worked together Jerry corrects him to say they were partners at which point Mulder looks over at Scully as if to see her reaction. Mulder has this real guilty look to him. When Jerry acts a little self conscious Mulder is real quick to jump in and reassure him. They get in each other's personal space. It just really leaves me with the impression that they care deeply for one another and broke up for other reasons, perhaps the different career goals as Mulder tells Scully.

We also have Mulder with Krycek. From the very beginning of Krycek's involvement with the X-files I feel like the writers went out of their way to make a correlation between the change in partnership and a new partner in a relationship. There is a scene in Sleepless where Mulder and Scully are on the phone and Mulder tells Krycek he'll be right there, the rest of the conversation feels reminiscent of two exes chatting about the change brought about by the new relationship. Scully even brings up that it must be nice having a partner who doesn't question his every theory.

There were many scenes in Sleepless, Duane Barry, and Ascension in which Mulder and Krycek were alone but that we never got to see who knows for example what the two of them got to talking about while they were stuck in traffic during the drive to New York in Sleepless. Or how often they hung out between Sleepless and Duane Barry.

During Mulder and Scully's partnership Mulder only called her 'Dana' on a few emotional occasions. He started casually calling Krycek 'Alex' almost immediately.

Let us not forget the infamous speedo scene. While yes it definitely showed more of a Krycek attraction to Mulder than the opposite. It does make one wonder what led him to wear such a revealing bathing suit. How many straight men do you know who wear speedos? My guess is few. How many straight men wear speedos when they can reasonably assume their male partner will show up looking for them? Not many would be guess.

And then there is their relationship after Krycek is revealed to be a traitor. They both tend to act more like scorned lovers than enemies and notice that it's Mulder, not Krycek, who cannot seem to keep his hands off the other. Seriously it's like every time Krycek shows up, Mulder immediately grabs him.

Now here's a couple quotes from Mulder,

Krycek tells Mulder he most be losing it because Krycek beat him with one hand. Mulder's immediate reaction: "isn't that how you like to beat yourself?"

When the little man in Humbug is lined up pretty much exactly with Mulder's crotch he says that Mulder would be surprised how many women find his size alluring. Mulder's immediate reaction: "you'd be surprised how many men do as well"

How many straight guys do you know comfortable enough with their sexuality to make a gay innuendo? I personally cannot think of any.

Dana Scully: bicurious

I believe that Scully is sometimes attracted to women. It definitely is not as blatant as with Mulder and I really don't think she's had any past girlfriends but I definitely think that there is an attraction.

My evidence:

In the episode "Ice" I really felt like there are a few tender moments between her and Felicity Huffman's character especially while they were examining one another for the worms. That examination had a sort of sexual energy to it I thought.

In the episode "kill switch" theres a moment where the Invisagoth asked if she could have her handcuffs removed or if she should type with her tongue. Mulder mentions that she doesn't want a vote there and the look on Scully's face and the way she licks her lips, I definitely get the impression that she would have been perfectly happy to see what Invisagoth could get up to with that tongue.

Some people point to Scully's relationship with Reyes as evidence of her bisexuality, I personally don't see any attraction there on Scully's side but I don't think its outside the realm of possibility.

Monica Reyes: Closeted lesbian

This one's probably a surprise I know there was something between here and Brad as well as a flirtation with Doggett so you would probably think she was Bisexual but honestly was either one of those even remotely convincing? To me they weren't. I believe that Reyes is a lesbian.

I kind of go back and forth on whether she's open about it. Reyes is very spiritual and open so it seems strange that she would be in the closet but maybe she has a reason, fear of it affecting her career in the FBI perhaps? It just seems strange that she keeps pursuing these heterosexual relationships she has no passion for unless she is trying to hide her true passion.

My evidence:

I admit I really have very little evidence but look at the relationship between Reyes and Brad Follmer. It had all the chemistry of two people who got really drunk once and cannot remember sleeping together. I don't for a second believe she was ever in love with Brad nor he in love with her.

Then you've got the same thing between her and Doggett. Yes the writers were obviously trying for a romantic angle with the two of them but to me it never came across as convincing. It seemed more like she thought of him as a good friend and figured she might as well date him, I saw no evidence of love or attraction.

On the other hand look at her and Scully. While I feel like the attraction there was one sided I definitely feel like Reyes was into Scully or Dana as she would call her. Reyes was willing to risk her life for Scully and yes that is her job after all but Reyes seems to take that above and beyond and it's not just Scully herself but also William. Look at how protective Reyes is of William in The Truth and of the sacrifice Scully made in giving him up. She seems to care even more than Mulder on that.

Cigarette-Smoking-Man: Asexual

CSM has probably had sex at some point, he is of course the father of at least three children but I do not think that he was ever in love with any of these women or even attracted to them. I believe they were all just a means to an end.

I believe that CSM's only love was for his cigarettes

Evidence:

There is a little bit of evidence that he might have actually felt something for Teena Mulder but I don't buy it. He freely admits that he felt nothing for Cassandra Spender but he must've been convincing if he got her to marry him and we have seen him fake emotions more than once. He also seemed to show an attraction to Scully in En Ami but that too was just a means to an end. Perhaps he does feel something towards all the women he has impregnated but I wouldn't call it love. I don't see any real attraction there either. My bet is that CSM needed some "help" in order to produce his offspring.

Alex Krycek: Gay

While Krycek did have an obviously sexual relationship with Marita Covarrubias he definitely didn't have any real feelings for her and I don't buy attraction either. No I'd say they were both just trying to use sex to get what they wanted. His anger at finding the Russian boy gone wasn't because he was heartbroken at her betrayal. Merely mad that she'd managed to get the upper hand.

Whether Krycek is open or in the closet I'm not sure, I'm thinking it probably depends on the mission hes on at the time.

Evidence:

Of everyone on this list I'd say Krycek is the one I'm the most sure of. There is no doubt in my mind that Krycek was attracted to, perhaps even in love with, Fox Mulder. From the very beginning there appeared to be a bit of longing in his eyes.

There was the speedo scene wherein Krycek was definitely checking Mulder out. There were several scenes where Krycek could've killed Mulder but chose to help him instead.

As I've seen pointed out before, Krycek's crazy motivational choices don't make any sense at all unless it's all in an effort to be around Mulder more.

Look at his sense of style and his obvious love for lip gloss. I am not saying that straight men cannot love lip gloss and dress themselves in Krycek's fashion but it is uncommon and it was especially so back in the 90s

The infamous kiss in The Red and the Black could certainly be explained away as some kind of Russian custom but it isn't one that I am aware of and he hasn't really shown any other signs of his Russia heritage.

I would say my best evidence of Krycek's sexuality is in Essence and Existence, just look at the look on Krycek's face when Mulder trusts him to protect Scully. Krycek knows what Scully means to Mulder and then look at how seriously Krycek takes the job! I definitely feel like that moment meant a lot to him and he would have protected Scully with his life for Mulder.

There's also the fact that Krycek's unwillingness to kill Mulder lead to his own death.

Of course asking Skinner to shoot Mulder goes against this theory but I do have a couple thoughts on that, the most sensical being that he knew there was no chance Skinner would shoot Mulder and he probably knew there was no chance he would survive anymore. Maybe he made that request in hopes of sparing Mulder any pain he might have otherwise felt at his death (I know it's a bit of a stretch but my other theories require a long explanation of my thoughts on where the series had planned to go next)

The lone gunmen: no one knows....not even them

Three (I don't count Jimmy for this) single adult men who all live together in very cramped quarters and are, at least in Langley's case, perfectly happy to be around each other without thier clothes on certainly makes it seem like there's something between them all but I really don't get a overtly gay impression with any of them, even Langley who as mentioned doesn't like to wear pants and is the only one who hasn't had a love interest. They just have this sort of Vegas-esque thing. "What happens in the bachelor pad/newspaper room stays in the bachelor pad/newspaper room.

I would love to hear other people's thoughts on these and any other X-files characters you think might be somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum.

[wornoutmouse]

This is for all my self conscious thicc girls out there! Or even any girls that have weight issues with themselves

Day 15: Face Sitting

You were currently curled up on your bed, hiding under the covers as you scrolled through your phone. As much as it was hard to admit, you were hiding from your boyfriend Tanaka. He didn't do anything wrong in theory, you just noticed a few things have changed since you moved in together.

Ever since quarentine started, it's been hard for you two stay in shape since you got all your exercise from walking to work and to many of Tanaka's volleyball practices. But now there was nothing for you to do after you got layed off and the gym closed.

Because of this and the full course meals you two have been preparing, you had gained alot of weight. Your stomach bulged out hiding your punani from veiw, and you legs had doubled in size.

During this weight gain, you had noticed Tanaka's lingering gaze on your thighs whenever you sat down near him. And the way he would slowly but surely grab hold of your love handles whenever you two were cuddling unnerved you greatly.

Getting intimate had lessened as time went on.

Amongst yourself, you had scowled when you realised that throughout all that weight gain, none of it went to your breasts or buttocks, leaving you with thicc thighs and no ass. You tense as you hear the bedroom door creak open and Tanaka plop down besides you

"Babe I'm bored!" He whined and you giggle as you feel arms wrap around you through the blanket. "What do you want me to do Tana?" Pulling the blanket down, you peek up at your boyfriend with curious eyes as he glances down at you with adoration and.....something else.

"Why don't we...have some fun?" You weren't really paying attention to the tone of his voice so you continued on, "Hmmm what would you like to do then baby?" If you were paying attention, you would have noticed how Tanaka's breathing became slower and his hands started to feel around the blanket to find at least a sliver of skin.

You giggle as Tanaka bends over and kisses your face starting from your cheek, then your lips, and ending along the beginning of your neck. "I want you." You tense a little and laugh awkwardly. "Uh anything else?" Tanaka straightened up and looked at you questioning. "Is there something wrong?"

You hid your face in the blanket not wanting to have this conversation. You know it's best to communicate in a relationship but you felt silly for feeling this way so you never wanted to talk about it. "Hmm, is it that you don't feel like having sex?" Tanaka smiled, "That's fine babe, I don't need to penetrate you to feel good, can I just eat you out?"

You pondered at the thought, what would the harm in that be? "Yeah I'd like that." You respond shyly making Tanaka smirk, "Of course you would, making me do all the work while you just relax!" Your eyebrows furrowed at that last comment and you couldn't help the way your face shrunk in to itself at the thought of people considering you lazy.

Thinking more and more, you couldn't help but wonder if Tanaka would hate to have your weight on top of him. What if you smothered him? Hell you took great care of yourself regarding your baths but what if you didnt smell much less taste appetizing?!

Internally, you came to the decision to just lay down and have Tanaka in-between your legs instead of you on top.

Tanaka looked at you for a moment, well he was really looking at your thighs, and once again you're hit with an overwhelming sense of shame as you flex your legs wishing you could hide them inconspicuously. Coming to a decision Tanaka lays down flat on the bed. You stare confused at what was going on in that moment.

"Tana?" You ask poking his sides slightly. "You know you don't have to hide from me ya'know" Tanaka raises up and grabs your waist pulling you ontop of him. You lift yourself slightly not wanting to put your full weight into him.

"I see the way you look at yourself Y/N and I don't like it." Tanaka says calmly as he takes in your agitated features. "I'm sorry." You mutter cause him to shake his head. "There's nothing for your to be sorry for. I'm your boyfriend, it is my job to help your in any way I can when your need it!"

Tanaka shifts slightly making you giggle as you're lifted up with him. "Okay, so what does the doctor suggest?" You ask teasingly. Tanaka smirks and lays back down, "The doctor request that you sit on his face." You recoil at that, "Bubs I don't think that's a good idea-" Tanaka finger wags in your face, "Doctor knows best."

You roll your eyes but hesitantly remove your underwear, bracing for the worst, before slightly positioning yourself over your boyfriend's face barely low enough for him to reach you without straining his neck. You jump as you feel a warm muscle follow the expanse of your heat.

Tanaka's hands trail down your back squeezing your ass. You blush as you look down and see him staring intensely back up at you. "You're too high." He he sighed, giving up on coaxing you down through pleasure.

You spread your legs more coming down just a bit so you're almost enveloping his mouth. Tanaka isn't exactly satisfied but he decides to move on as to not push you too far, too soon. You shiver as you feel his tongue slide up your entrance, circling around your clit.

You couldn't help but feel embarrassed everytime you looked down as you watched Tanaka eat you out like a man starved yet the whole time he never ceased eye contact.

In Tanaka's mind, he was doing his part in showing you how much he loves you and no matter how you see yourself, you are still going to be his beautiful wifey. With his eyes and ears, he took in every hitch and every twitch that your body released as he brought you closer to Nirvana.

Feeling yourself get close, you shift and bring yourself away. As much as you wanted to come, you didn't feel like you'd be able to hold yourself up any longer. "That's good enough Tana.." your stutter as you try to find purchase on the headboard.

Tanaka smirks but you're unable to see it over the small swell of your stomach and thighs. Looping his arms under and over your legs, Tanaka uses all his strength and forces you down on his face, moaning at your scent invading his senses, and sweet taste coating his mouth.

Before you could object or even try to control the amount of weight being put on your lover, Tanaka begins his feast, eating you in every sense of the word. "Tana.." you moan unsure on what to do with your hands so you settle with gripping his head as you bared down on his sinful tongue.

Tanaka was in heaven as he watched you come undone and release all the stress you had allowed to accumulate for the last couple of months. He pushed his tongue in and out of you as he used the point of his nose to place teasing circles on your clit.

You were happy to admit that this was the best head you had gotten in a long while. Losing all shame you rocked your hips humping your boyfriend's head encouraging him to suck faster. You finally come hard as Tanaka gently takes your clit in between his teeth and grinds soft circles with your soft bud.

You tremble as he licks up your release before allowing you to pull off and away. Sliding down to his crotch, your stare down at him breathing hard, and take in his features. And if you were being honest, he looked more fucked out than you with his blown out eyes and mouth covered in your fluids.

"Thank you." You mumble using tissue to help wipe his face trying not to wheeze in embarrassment as he attempts to lick up the mess you made. "Anything for you mamas." He shrugs before pulling you closer in a warm embrace. "Im sorry for making you worry." Tanaka shushed you, "Nah, your human, I'd be worried if you didn't have any doubts during this shitty quarentine."

Tanaka pulls away and looked at you with adoring eyes, "Babe if you ever have doubts, you can talk to me about it. Or if your not comfortable, I'm sure you have others to talk to about as well. It's not always good to keep things bottled up."

Tanaka stands up and stretches his sore arms as he walks towards the door.

"Besides, I like em thick."