#i'm working at a clinic rn hi guys

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

..

[the-bug-eaterrrr]

Ima sick as fuck rn so have some sdv Harvey x GN!reader head cannons.

- Harvey MELTS at really any touch you give him. Just holding his hand will make him a beet red mess.

- He really needs morning kisses, even if he's half asleep and won't remember it. He will not let you leave without getting one.

- Sometimes he'll see you go past the clinic on his work days, he'll think something like 

"They're so lovely… OH YOBA THAT'S MY SPOUSE!!!"

He will continue to make the dorkiest smile for hours.

- He loves you more than anything, and actively tells you that. One time he was watching you cook and he just said

 "You know… I'm kinda happy I never got to be a pilot now, if I was one I never would have met you. I don't know what I would do without you, I can't imagine a life without you anymore" 

You cried about it, and wouldn't let him go all night.He started saying more stuff like that after.

- He really loves it when you sit on his lap (it doesn't have you be sexual) Harvey just adores feeling your body weight against him.

-He's a big chubby guy so he constantly asks if he's too big or heavy if he's laying on you. (The answer is always no he gets all the snuggles he wants >:{ )

- If you're not in bed with him he will have problems getting to sleep. Both from the lack of you, and his anxiety (God forbid told him you were going to the mines before you left)

This leads to him falling asleep on the couch consistently because he's waiting for you (please tell him it's bad for his back)

- Massive snuggler, he doesn't care what position as long as he can feel you against him (he really loves lying his head on your chest though. Or being tucked under your chin) 

- Bounces on his heels when he's excited ( I don't have any more context for this, it's just a really cute :) )

- The MOST excited bachelor when it comes to children. He's always wanted them but he never thought he'd get the chance to have any before meeting you. If you love kids as much as him he will be absolutely ecstatic.

- He absolutely despises horror movies but I'll watch them with you if you like them. ( Will jump into your arms at any jumpscare please be ready to hold him)

- Please show up at the clinic at any point in his work day, it will make his day so much better.

- He's just got the vibe of this big old teddy bear

[drenched-in-sunlight]

First off, hiii hello! I love your art and your ER lore posts sooo much, it tickles me whenever I see either on my dash. (I'm still crying over all your recent messy and marika posts)

BUT RN I actually wanted to bring that I saw on twitter in your replies (I stay supporting your work 🫡) that you didn't rly ship messy and rellana and that you read it as being one sided and?? From someone who is as thorough with the lore as you, that made me feel soooo much less insane for feeling that way too hgjgjhgd.

Cuz I've seen quite a few ppl say how, in lore, it's canon that they were together bc there's a room in the shadow keep that's essentially an armory but it's in the style of raya lucaria and... I just dunno... I thought her sword description literally said otherwise tho...

Not that it's bad to ship! Ppl are always welcome to do what they like so long as it's respectful and such, I just felt like I was the only who didn't ship this and who read it as being unrequited.

ANYWAY so sorry for the lengthy ask kjhgdsdjkf I rly hope you have a wonderful weekend!

is "messy" an autocorrect from Messmer afdjdk 😭😭 but it's right

and thank you for your kind words, it's all good! (my reply gets a bit long too so i put it in read more) to me, since she's one of his Generals, it makes sense that there's a room in Shadow Keep modeled after her home to ease the homesickness? Also his Commander (Gaius) also has connection to the Carian (he's Radahn's senior at school).

Messmer is a guy who mourned his friends even when they betrayed him (the Black Knight captain), he let his soldiers who was despairing that they were abandoned by Marika deface her statues (as long as they did not tear down the insignia of the Crusade which is a joint symbol of her and his power, and he protected the only intact one in his throne room), understanding their pain at being forced into this fate (yet he would, at the same time, protect his mother's past trauma and not air it to the world to justify the Crusade), also the whole jar clinic thing?? i feel like he's a very emotional person just like his Mother, so it doesn't signify any special feeling to me if he has an armory decorated in the style of one (two?) of his generals' home).

the vibe i get from them is Messmer trying to avoid or turn her down as politely as possible (hence why she "chased after" him) because no romantic feelings + he knows Radagon is Marika, so he knows she's technically his step-aunt bruh 😭 if there had been mutual interest, i feel like there should be more item description mentioning his feelings, and the marriage that joins the Erdtree and the Moon could just be their marriage?? instead of Marika having to do it herself.

[bemusedlybespectacled]

Hi! I'm in law school rn and having a lot feelings and thoughts about it. Would ou share some thoughts and positivity? Am I in the right path? Cries and panics in finals are coming and I don't know if this is for me

IMO there are two potential reasons for these kinds of feelings:

You don't feel like this is the right path for you because you feel incapable/incompetent and lawyers are supposed to be Very Very Smart And Capable And Good At Shit All The Time.

You don't feel this is the right path for you because you just genuinely don't like law: you don't like compiling big piles of data into neat bins that match the elements of a particular statute or a specific holding or a coherent argument.

(The third potential reason is for later in your career, in which case it might be that you don't like certain elements of the practice of law: dealing with needy clients, meeting a billable hours requirement, working long hours, etc. In that case, you can always try changing the type of law you're doing - like, if you hate litigating in courtrooms, you might prefer going in-house, or becoming a law librarian, or being a clerk.)

If it's that you don't like law, you do not have to keep doing it. You are allowed to find something else that you like better. A couple of people in my law school class dropped out to be teachers; my clinic partner has a law degree and a PhD and has only ever taught as a professor; you do not have to throw good money after bad on a career that you don't like.

If it's that you feel incompetent and stupid and not like A Lawyer™ because lawyers are geniuses: first of all, I bet you are perfectly fine and can totally do this, because you got all the way here and that's pretty fucking hard already. But let's pretend that fear is actually true and you really are that bad (I doubt it): I promise you, I promise you that there are people practicing law right now who have no idea what the fuck they are doing. Not even in a cutesy "we all get imposter syndrome sometimes" way, I mean "holy fuck how are you still practicing" way.

The CPS attorney I worked across from in my old job did not know any of the rules of evidence, had no legal writing skills whatsoever, and couldn't handle making or defending objections to save her fucking life. She was the attorney for the entire fucking county.

I once got a response to a multi-page motion (like four pages of argument and another 25 or so of exhibits) that was two pages with enormous fucking margins and paragraph spacing, spelling errors, and no actual argument from a guy who had been practicing longer than I've been alive. I actually saved his reply (and the judgement with the footnote that says "as Attorney Bespectacled correctly notes in her brief") as a pick-me-up for when I'm feeling like a fucking idiot.

There are lawyers with a shitload of experience, who make millions of dollars taking on high profile cases, who fucking suck at it. Seriously, watch either of the Sandy Hook trials on the Law and Crime Youtube channel (or listen to any of the depositions that get covered on the Knowledge Fight podcast - they're all titled "Formulaic Objections") if you want to see just how bad a person has to be at being a lawyer in order to get sanctioned.

At one point when I was studying for the bar exam and panicking over it, my partner said, "Michael Cohen passed the bar exam, and I know you're smarter than him, so if he can pass it, so can you." I'm certain you're both smarter and a better person than, like, any of Trump's lawyers, or even a good chunk of my law school classmates (like the entirety of FedSoc cough cough).

But even if you're not, remember: there's only ever one CALI winner per class, so most people aren't going to ever get one. Most people who graduate law school and pass the bar and practice law are just incredibly fucking average. Like, that's just math. You're not a failure if you aren't the best, because most people aren't the best. You can still do very well in life as a lawyer even if you're just Some Person, because that's what most lawyers are.

(Also, sidenote: law school and actual law are very different environments. How you do in one has very little bearing on how you do in the other.)

tl;dr: You're going to be fine no matter what you end up deciding.

[parmaviolets]

do you have any posts explaining the lore of your au or character sheets? i’d love to know more about it

Good question!

I've got an older summary here, some context on Chucky Emily, refs for Phone Guy, Henry Emily, Mike, Jeremy, the Missing Children and Elizabeth Afton! Plus a quick overview of some of the other people who work at Freddy's here.

I love infodumping about my AU and also I keep changing and adding stuff so I'm gonna give a brand new summary for funzies under the cut ↓

The Parmaverse mostly centers around Jeremy Fitzgerald. He's Henry Emily's estranged son, who impulsively decided to move back home and remembered why that was a terrible idea far too late.

Basically, Jeremy was a weird, morbid kid who spent most of his childhood hiding behind his twin sister, Charlie. She was outgoing, kind and talkative. Always looking out for others, despite being a kid herself. One night, she ended up locked outside, and Jeremy witnessed her murder from the window. He briefly saw the killer's face, but can't remember what it looked like because he's faceblind, which he proceeds to beat himself up over for the rest of his life.

His parents divorce, and he goes to Vermont to live with his mom, but still makes visits so he can see his friends.

A few years later in 1994, Jeremy's friends all go missing during Cassidy's birthday party. While he was intended to be a victim as well, he went home early because he had a stomach ache and survived. Again, something he beats himself up over for the rest of his life.

After that, he doesn't talk to his father and he doesn't visit his hometown. Fast forward, he's graduated, his best friend Nadia persuades him to do something impulsive for once and move away with her.

Unfortunately the job market is BAD!! And he ends up taking a night guard job at the (new and improved) Freddy Fazbear's Pizzeria.

Womp womp also due to not having health insurance, he has to go to a sketchy clinic to get his medications refilled and ends up with William Afton (under the moniker of Dr. David Miller) as his fucking therapist.

And yeah that's what I feel like explaining rn

[shmowder]

read all of them.

oh

my

GOD.

i Loved absolutely all of it. kept reading it in middle of my breaks as if it were a newspaper.

my favorite one is well. well i love them all LOL but there are specific moments about each of them that i like specially.

the character study / the ideal reader. i have so much adoration for each of your writtings i cant even put it into words. the entirety of it describes peter perfectly.. . as in. . its basically as if you had pathologic programmed in your brain... i absolutely adore the last line about being human and showing him that he's one too. GOD. GGOODODDD YOURE SO RIGHT. ITS. the way you describe in the poly andrey / reader / peter fic how the feelings are beyond sexual means a lot to me because of how much i like . non sexual adoration? as in i like sex as much as the other guy but i love when sex feels more passionate rather than pornographic per say. or when its more artistic than anything... or simply when love is beyond sex, is simply enough sometimes. being so in love with someone that those feelings feel so raw, so emotional so.. potent... its beyond words... is. portrayed. flawlessly.

fuck !!! even im running out of words already to describe how much i adore your work??? you could say im feeling exactly that rn LOL

and the birthday one... its so sweet.... i read both peters and andreys but as in to not make this ask any longer im just going to say i really like how peter reminds you of death in such a blunt way but. also how personal everything he does for you feels. art, as an artist, being portrayed as a love language, is. yes. absolutely. its just. perfect. all your work is beyond perfect.

anywho.

i dont... exactly have a very speficic request in mind... but im brainrotting horribly over the twins so ill eventually creep in with something... hope its not much of a bother

-🌈 anon

YOU'RE SO KIND AAAA

Writing for the twins is always a delight! Their dynamic is super interesting, codependent yet each one is still their own separate individual.

In every pair, one of them will always love the other more, and in this case, Andrey clearly cares more about Peter. Which makes an x reader dynamic very special, these two only had each other for so long, do they still hold the capacity to love another person?

Peter is the one tethering on the edge of reality, one match strike away from insanity. So much so that Alexander Saburov actually does consider him clinically insane which is why he wasn't charged with the murder of Farkhad.

Yet Peter is aware that him and Andrey are extensions of each other, which is why despite Andrey being the one to kill Farkhad, Peter describes it as if his own finger was the one who pulled the trigger.

If anything I'm surprised I've been getting more requests about Peter than Andrey, but I guess I understand. Andrey is more intimidating, not monogamous neither is he willing to settle or water himself down. While Peter is more obsessive with his love, almost consuming.

With Andrey, you'll always clearly be the second choice. With Peter, there's an off-chance he will love you so much he'll forsake his own brother.

-

You noticed all the details and personalisation I've given each person in the birthday gifts! Mhm! Peter's intention was to remind you of death on your birthday but not in a malice way, he genuinely thought it would be beautiful. One of the gifts I had scrabble was a tombstone he designed for your grave himself, a rare smile on his face as he shows it to you with faint excitement.

One of Andrey's scrapped gifts was lingerie actually, noted down how the gift remains the same no matter the gender. It wasn't a joke lingerie either but a very expensive and intricately designed set... which fit your measures suspiciously well.

-

I'm so happy you liked the Ideal reader!!! I had to rewrite Peter's section twice bc the first time was deleted by tumblr- Thank you so much for all of your praise <333 and for sharing your thoughts, I'll cherish each one of your words and read them whenever I feel down.

-

It was a deliberate choice to make the love in that fic nonsexaul, as in it transcends both romantic and sexual love. Something so intense yet so familiar, heavy in your chest and light in your brain.

Peter accepts it without question and lets these feelings consume him, while Andrey eyes you with reprehension and scepticism.

[angelicyoongie]

Hi Maggy!!!!

Ok i know that chapter 11 is coming out tomorrow, so you don’t have to release this ask until then or after, but aHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I CAN FINALLY TALK ABOUT THE EVENTS THAT HAPPENED SO SOME SPOILERS BELOW

ok, so the sp**king was definitely so uncalled for like??? She’s literally on her deathbed with hypothermia and you guys think that doing that rn is a good choice??? They’re all so weird, but I couldn’t look away 😭😭😭

I will admit that Yoongi’s help at least retained a shred of dignity for the MC and was helpful but COME ON MANNNN, LET HER BE PLEASE 😭😭😭

I am SO glad that Jimin and Taehyung were banned from the cabin for being little shits, honestly they deserved longer (ornotcomingbackatallforbeingsuperweird) and I couldn’t help but find some endearment for Jin bc of how scared he was of the movie lol

If any of the members really had any redeeming features, now that sadly MC has been forced to succumb, would really be YoonJinKook tbh, everyone else will need to GROVEL for her forgiveness and acceptance

Maybe, in several years, they’ll stop being so creepy and be “decent” 😭😭

But I’m so excited for the next chapter!!! Honestly, this whole story has been my own “Roman empire,” I literally can’t stop thinking about lovesick 😭

Love all your works Maggy, and hope you take care of yourself always!

Off topic, but your stories have been keeping me afloat from drowning in all my post grad homework and clinical practice work, so thank you for your amazing writing! 💜💜

- K

K!! Your comments always make me so happy, you're so sweet 😭💖 I really appreciate you coming back to talk about what happened even though you read the chapters weeks ago, tysm!!

It was, lol! They definitely should have waited until the MC wasn't at death's door anymore, but it's not like they've been normal up until this point so I guess that was too much to ask of them 💀

It makes you half-grateful that it's him just because he's being respectful but also like damn, how low have they set the bar for THAT to be protecting her dignity?

Yeah, they should have been banned for life but we all know there would be no keeping those two away from the MC forever 🫠 Scared Seokjin is a little cute and I think that's because we're finally seeing a somewhat vulnerable side to him that the others haven't really shown much of yet? But yeah, yoonjinkook are probably at the top of the MC's list rn!

Maybe... Let's hope the MC finds something helpful in the books she asked Joon to bring to her 🤧

Omg thank you lmao, I consider that to be a big compliment 🙈 I really hope the chapter coming next week will provide you with a small break and escape from your studies!! Keep up the good work K, I'm proud of you 🥺

Thank you so so much, I hope you take care as well!! 💖💖

[sapphicheroes]

Basil's sick and I really should be taking him to a vet, but we can't afford it rn. I could try to apply for scratchpay, but idk if I'd get approved, and I don't really want more debt. I'm thinking maybe I need to get a credit card. At least that way I'd have a little more control over it all and could see it easily.

But I'm worried about an obstruction, and if he does have an obstruction, I'm pretty sure I'd have to euthanize. Which I hate. And I hate that it would solve some of my problems. (I've been trying to rehome him for months now.) I really love the guy, but Myrtle starts fights, and Basil finishes them. He broke her wrist last time they fought. He has to wear a muzzle when he's not in his kennel so I can separate them with only minor injuries. He's such a sweetheart though, and loves cuddles and kisses. But he's best suited for a one dog household and being a pit bull mix makes it harder to find someone for him.

Anyway, I called the emergency clinic and they quoted me like $700+ for an exam, bloodwork, and x-rays. I can't afford that in the slightest. I shouldn't have adopted him in the first place and I know that now. But you can't look at that face and not love him.

Idk what to do, this is just a rant bc I'm sad and frustrated with my life rn. I had to take time off work bc my mental and physical health was going to shit, so its just Ethans money we have. And I feel so bad about that too.

Alright, rant over.

[catbeast-gzr]

My coworker called me because he got a new job at a different/better optical clinic and is about to put his notice in. It sounds like he's in a position where he could bring me along with him though and keep training me to become a full fledged optician which would be super cool?? Idk it's just a really cool opportunity and I'm excited and really flattered that he asked me because like. I know he knows a bunch of people in optical that he could've asked but he told me even though I only have a couple months of experience? Like. I'm super excited and trying to work on my resume and stuff but I'm having trouble with it and like. Running into the whole imposter syndrome/inner critic- he said he would help polish my resume too though so that will help a lot!

The two of us talked the other day and I told him that I don't wanna be at this current practice for too much longer, like. I really like optical and I'm learning a lot but the guy running the practice is... Tbh kind of a tyrant and he's been getting worse over the past few weeks. Like I've had my share of working with bad management and I don't have time for this shit- so of this works out it'll be kind of perfect... Just feeling a lot of things rn

[astrofireworks]

ok listen i’m working in a radiography clinic over the summer and last week the most beautiful doctor came in and immediately my mind went to doctor!Eunwoo and i broke down today at @nataliekaytbh​ so buddy thank u for crying w me today over Eunwoo 

are you ready 

because i’m sure as hell not 

i’ll be crying over doctor!Eunwoo this whole summer 

intern Sanha

relegated to the registration counter

meaning that when patients come into the radiographer's he takes their name and phone number and puts it into the system and gives them a waiting number

also meaning that when five patients arrive all at once he's up to his eyes in names and numbers and trying not to go cross eyed my poor child

here to make money not to learn so he doesn't mind doing registration and being busy anyway

highkey me

nurse Jinjin

reads out said waiting number and then brings patients into the x-ray room

and has to confirm they're not pregnant or anything that makes them unable to be exposed to X-rays and stuff in general

also helps sanha do registration sometimes when the queue gets a bit too long

radiographer Bin

most of the time sleepily mans the x-ray machines

sometimes the patients ask him if their x-rays are okay or if there's anything wrong with them

what the hell

Bin's not a doctor he wouldn't know

And so tells them that

And gets whacked on the head by nurse Jinjin who comes to escort out the mildly shocked patients with a forced polite smile on his face @ the patient & a glare @ Bin

Shakes his fist indignantly at Jinjin when he leaves

Lab tech MJ

has the lab right next to the radiographer's clinic

Usually collects blood samples from patients

is very good with needles

is also very good at laUGHING and telling jokes in order to make people forget they're here to get blood sucked out of their souls with a giant needle

sometimes laughs really loudly and makes the radiographer clinic patients wonder what's going on

sometimes makes jinjin wonder what's going on too  

not that he gets jealous or anything

not at all

coughs

Nurse rocky

Eunwoo's runner, mostly

Sometimes for the urgent cases that need to be processed immediately rocky doesn't wait for the computer system (which takes centuries) to receive the x-ray

He goes down immediately to bin's and asks whoever's at the registration desk to print it out

i.e, Sanha

i.e., the intern without the password to access x-rays

which means he has to go to jinjin or bin for them

after which he hand-delivers them to Dr. Eunwoo

a lot of staff now know Rocky by name simply because he's always running up and down from Eunwoo's clinic to different departments trying to get stuff for Eunwoo

a sweetheart, really

charms the pants off of all the female nurses

also charmed MJ enough to get MJ to call him whenever MJ's done drawing blood samples from someone from Eunwoo’s clinic

Efficiency™ because that's the way Eunwoo works

ok so mostly because Eunwoo always sends Rocky down he's never been to the radiographer's

Until one day

Sanha messes up

It isn't really a bad mess up !!!!

He just keyed in someone's identification number wrongly

But the thing is that he's been doing that quite a few times

I mean to be fair he's just an intern

And also because he's just started the job !! He makes a couple mistakes sometimes

can you tell I'm basing Sanha off of me and just trying to defend myself rip vivi get ur shit together ;;;;;;

But every time Sanha messes up and Jinjin doesn't manage to check on it and correct it properly the report with the mess up gets sent to Rocky

And Rocky has to waste time trying to fix the mess up

Which takes Rocky away from the important things !! Eunwoo needs him to do !!

But also when Rocky fixes the reports he has to slide on his glasses and it makes all Eunwoo’s patients swoon a Little

Before they go into Eunwoo’s consultation room and swoon a Lot

And so Eunwoo is mildly frustrated and decides to go down during one of his breaks to find out why the radiographer has been messing up the reports so much

And so he swishes his lab coat on & swings his stethoscope off & polishes his glasses and heads downstairs to the radiographer's

Only to see poor Sanha piled underneath a stack of registration forms full of names and phone numbers  

Oh

Okay

So that's why

And nurse Jinjin is running around like a headless chicken trying to shuffle the right people from the X-ray room to the waiting room and vice versa

And Bin is slumped in his room giving instructions in a monotonous voice to the patients  

"take a deeeeep breath" 

"don't think of elephants" 

"sike lmao I bet u did" 

“stOP LAUGHING OH MY GOD YOU’RE GOING TO MESS UP THE XRAY”

"oh my god I didn't tell you to stop breathing you can breathe now"

And the phone is ringing wildly ("so that's why our calls are never answered," Eunwoo thinks) off the hook but nobody can respond because they have like 50 million people in the queue

no lie today i had 50 patients come in over the span of 2 hours it was truly a mess

And so Eunwoo waits for a while

until Jinjin notices that everyone hasn't been speaking for a while and instead staring at a certain corner of the room

in which Eunwoo has been leaning on the wall tapping away on his phone, glasses perched on the bridge of his nose

Looking very much like an angel !!!!!!!!!!!

If angels came with lab coats and glasses

And there's some gentle tittering from the older female patients and some not so gentle whispering and giggling from younger ones

Sanha hasn't even looked up from the registration desk poor dear but if he did he would have-

"oh my god"

Oh well there's sanha looking up then

I mean to be fair jinjin's thought process is somewhere along the same line

But he also has a job to do and no insanely attractive doctor will distract him from it !!!

I mean, an insanely attractive lab tech might but

You know what I mean

Responsible™ Jinjin

So when Jinjin escorts the last giggly girl out of the X-ray room (to be fair the radiographer AND the nurse are both very attractive so really what are the patients to do?) they both finally turn to Eunwoo

And Eunwoo looks up from where he's playing angry birds on his phone to Jinjin smiling politely and Sanha just plain out staring

"hi why are u here where's Rocky"

Jinjin, smacking Sanha on the head: "don't be rude son but yes why are u here where's Rocky"

Eunwoo, smiling that really cute crinkly eyed smile: "nah I just came to see what the situation was with the radiography room since Rocky always has to correct stuff on the reports you guys send up"

Sanha, alarmed and scrambling to defend himself: "djkshdks I-"

Jinjin, pressing his hand against Sanha's mouth: "ah yes it's me I've been the one messing up sorry about that I'll be more careful in the future"

Sanha, confused bc jinjin's covering for him?????

literally me when my boss kind of did the same thing??? guilt x100

Bin, coming out of the X-ray room: "are u covering for Sanha??"

Jinjin spluttering because he's trying to be nice but they're both exposing Sanha

Bin also spluttering because

Wow

Holy shit

Is that a real doctor

Probably not

Eunwoo also spluttering because

Wow

Holy shit

Is that a real radiographer??

Because hi he would like to quit his job and intern at the radiography clinic please

Bin seriously reconsidering his career choices and wondering if it's too late to replace Rocky as a nurse in Eunwoo's clinic because wow

Sanha turning to Jinjin and saying in a very low, serious voice: "while they're ogling each other I think we should escape"

Also Sanha: talk shit get hit gets hit on the head by Bin who coughs grumpily and says

"Listen I don't know who you think you are but here at the radiographer's we're very busy with um like X-rays and radiography and like uh x-raying people and stuff so like"

"could u like move along"

Eunwoo: "it's your lunch break rn"

Bin, defensively: "weLL YES jinjin apologised for his (Sanha's) mistakes so move along now"

Bin avoiding all eye contact by staring at Eunwoo’s lab coat

Which fits Eunwoo very well, he thinks

Doesn't need to be buttoned but hugs him in all the right places

Which is just as well since eunwoo's in a boring (very well tailored) dress shirt and boring (very well tailored) slacks

And very nice glasses he looks very smart and handsome and

Wait I mean

Bin, turning bright red & coughing: "wow yes we gotta gO"

And ngl eunwoo is a little hurt because there are Very Little people in this world who deny eunwoo's small crinkly smile

And there are Even Lesser people who become grumpy when eunwoo smiles his sunshine beam

And this really cute radiographer with black square glasses too big for his face and a small pout is being very grumpy indeed

So eunwoo smiles at Sanha and Jinjin, takes his leave and wanders out of the clinic back upstairs to his own, wondering what he did wrong

And so when Eunwoo leaves, Jinjin immediately whirls around and hits Bin on the shoulder

"WHAT WAS THAT"

(smack) "WHY DID YOU TELL HIM TO LEAVE"

(more smacks) "HE WAS EYEING YOU UP"

(smacks again) "YOU COULD HAVE BAGGED THAT SWEET CANDY"

Bin, sulkily: "like you could have bagged MJ hyung?"

Jinjin, turning red and mumbling under his breath and stalking away

Sanha, thoughtfully: "am I the only one here without somebody to bag"

And so life goes on in the radiography room, with MJ popping in and out to collect blood samples from patients who need Labstix and are in line for their x-ray and Jinjin blushing every time MJ so much as beams in his general direction

Sanha snorting because wow could they get any more obvious

Bin bet Sanha 5$ that Jinjin would make the first move but at this rate Sanha thinks Bin might have to pay up because there's no way in hell Jinjin can form a coherent sentence with MJ's Beam on Full Blast

But then

Eunwoo pops in again

And immediately all activity in the waiting room is halted to stare at this beautiful beautiful man with beautiful glasses and a beautiful focussed look and a beautiful smile

Bin, coming out to see why jinjin hasn't brought his next patient in & ready to give a piece of mind to whoever interrupted jinjin's clockwork routine

Also Bin: stutters and flushes at the sight of eunwoo

"Uh ok what do u want"

Eunwoo, smiling at Bin: "I'm here to collect the X-ray film of patient 777"

Bin, blurting out in confusion: "where's Rocky?????"

Eunwoo, frowning a little because all this poor angel wants to do is see the cute radiographer pout again but all he's doing is making this poor confused face which i mean,,,, ngl,, is kinda cute too,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

until he realises that all of them are waiting expectantly on his answer (except Sanha, who has reverted to frantically pounding on his keyboard in a desperate attempt to reduce the stack of registration forms beside him)

And he says: "I let him rest????"

Jinjin squinting because as long as he's worked here he's only talked to Eunwoo on the phone because not once has this doctor ever let poor Rocky rest

There has to be an ulterior motive

And that motive (insert mental image of lightbulb going off over Jinjin’s head) is Bin

So he beams at eunwoo and shoves him into the X-ray room with bin and says "YES DO THE MEDICAL TALKY TALK IN THERE GO DO THAT SHIT YOU GO BOYS"

Sanha sighing internally because it just means their queue will be held up rip

Eunwoo, flustered and blinking rapidly because wow now he's in a small, semi-dark kind of enclosed room with a really cute radiographer who's self consciously pushing his glasses up and pouting to himself

Wow

Really cute

"Um"

Bin, floundering: "UH YES 777 RIGHT" & bounding over to the computer to print out the report right away mmhmm yes sir

Eunwoo frowning a little because this boy seems like he's trying to get rid of him fast????? But this radiographer’s also really cute and he sees that this boy keeps eyeing Eunwoo so Eunwoo is seriously getting mixed messages?????

So he takes a step forward to bin's table and -

"WHY DO YOU HATE ME"

Oh shit unconscious eunwoo blurting strikes again

Rocky always said it'd hurt him one day

I mean mostly it's been harmless things like "I REALLY LIKE YOUR SCARF" @ a patient and "wow did you do your hAIR THAT'S A REALLY NICE COLOUR"

But shit shit shit he's said it in front of this cute guy

Who's gaping at him?????

Bin, ultimately, in a really small voice because he's confused and also Eunwoo is standing really close to him and all he can think about is that if he cranes his neck out a little he can touch Eunwoo’s nose with his nose and-

Ok Bin focus

"I don't hate you?"

Eunwoo, floundering a bit because ???? IT REALLY SEEMS SO >;(

"PROVE IT"

Oh good job eunwoo

Way to go

Cute radiographer boy probably is going to kick him out of the room

Call security on him

Never see him again

What for have a nice face if you can't woo peopl-

Wait

Cute radiographer boy made a sound

"Wait what"

"I SAID DO YOU HAVE A PLATE ON YOUR KNEE"

wait

What

Eunwoo just blinks in confusion and like

Damn Eunwoo for being so cute just blinking because Bin is going to lose his goddamn mind

He's so embarrassed rn he literally asked angel doctor to "go on a date with me" and now he's messed up and angel doctor is looking at his knee in confusion and really he's messed up he'll never see angel doctor again he'll never go on a date with this beautiful beautiful doctor and -

"uh I don't have a plate on my knee but uh,,,,,,,,, I have,,,, a date??? With uh,,,,,,, thee??????"

Cue grimace from eunwoo because wow he could never rap

Mostly because he cannot come up with things on the spot

Like this

Wow eunwoo good job congratulations

Also grimaces from jinjin eavesdropping outside because wow truly this doctor might look like an angel but his wooing skills seriously need some effort

Bin squeaking slightly because wow he might look all grumpy and tough and a lil shit but

He’s such a smol marshmallow inside

a small harshmallow that’s melting because Eunwoo’s decided to heck it and hit bin with his Full On Angel Smile

you know the one

yeah this one

wow my mum looked over while i was pasting this picture in my working doc as reference and went “WOW I LIKE THIS BOY”

same ma same

so does Bin, too, actually

and so he squeaks out a little, “yes?”

“yes as in yes you’ll go on a date with me?”

smol Binnie squeak: “yes?”

and so they stand there and grin all silly at each other until Jinjin, knocking on the door: “IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH THE REPORT NURSE ROCKY IS WAITING”

oh shit 

ok no but for serious the doctor that came in looked 100% like gong yoo he had the hair and the soft sweater and worn jeans and beautiful smile and everything

listen i’m just so weak for doctor!Eunwoo 

doctor!Eunwoo bringing lunch for radiographer!Bin and them eating in the empty waiting room during their lunch break 

Bin dropping by Eunwoo’s clinic during his breaks and waiting for Eunwoo to finish his consultations just to kiss his boyfriend on the cheek 

wow ok I’m saving this fic idea for another time or I’m truly going to kill myself with feels and tears

[iwadori]

Haikyu boys when they take a joke/prank too far (Iwaizumi,Daichi)

Word count: 1.9K

Genre:angst,fluff

AN: In the spirit of April Fools I tried to make my first work based on that I hope you enjoy!! (LOL I can’t actually believe this was the first thing I’ve ever written)

Iwaizumi:

“Okay so it’s April Fools Day who are we going to prank?” asked Makki “One of the first years?”

“Do we have to prank someone this year..” replied Iwaizumi “so childish”

“Iwa-Chan!” Oikawa said “Don’t be such a spoil sport.”

“Anyways, it can’t be a first year they’re boring to prank a first year coach will be mad at us, we need someone else.”

Just then, you enter the gym, catching their eye as you approach the group sitting on Iwaizumi’s lap “Hey babe, I can still come over to yours to study right?” you ask.

“Yeah of course, practice finishes early so I'll be there before you.” He said

“Alright, see you then bye babe, bye guys” you said, giving Iwaizumi a kiss on the cheek sauntering off and waving at Makki, Mattsun and Oikawa.

“bye Y/N!” They teasingly responded in unison making you laugh.

As they watched you leave, it seemed as if a lightbulb pinged off in all of their heads (besides Iwaizumi) realizing who would be a great person to prank.  

After a lot of convincing, they finally got Iwaizumi in on the ‘harmless’ plan, all they needed to do now is wait on your arrival.

You’re finally done with school after a long and tiring day of exams upon exams and wanting nothing more than to cuddle with your boyfriend (after he teaches you Pythagoras theorem of course.) You did think he was acting weird when you met him this morning in the gym and throughout break and lunch but you just concluded that it was because he was having an ‘off’ day.

You reached his house and used a copy of his key that he gave you to enter we just enter houses up in this bitch  calling out his name “Zumi-babe, I'm here...”  

“Lets get this shit over with” you said tiredly

Upon entering, you notice none of the lights being on or curtains drawn ‘odd’ you think. You go upstairs going straight to his room hopefully to find your boyfriend in his bed or on his Xbox or something. To your surprise his bedroom door was somehow locked shut (even though not having a lock on his door anyways.) Suddenly, you hear creaks slowly trailing up the stairs and an eerie feeling surrounds you... now you start to feel pretty panicked jiggling the door handle to Iwaizumi’s door as it’s practically the only place you can go.

AN: I hate what I’m writing rn but onwards we right

The footsteps on the stairs start to quicken, and you almost certain that you felt something brush pass your shoulder only adding onto the panic and anxiety that you already feel. Ok, the footsteps on the stairs are basically right near you, so doing the only logical thing you can do you body slam the ‘person’ on the stairs as you motherfuckin should  as tears fill your eyes and you pick up bag bolting through the front door, slamming it shut now in full tears and shakingly scared.

You look behind you and see Iwaizumi’s front door re-open and out comes the ‘iNFaMouS sEiJOh fOuR’ in tears... of laughter. It seems that the boys were in laughing fits that their prank ‘payed off’ getting a reaction out of you. You couldn’t see Iwaizumi’s reaction, but you didn’t care you were hurt, annoyed and wanting to get into your bed.

Once you get home, you decide to block your so called ‘friends’ who decided to make you scared shitless and ignored Iwaizumi’s messages asking “where were you today”.... the AUDACITY.  

The next day, the boy’s seemed to realize the consequences of their actions after spending the whole day trying to get your attention only to be straight up ignored. Iwaizumi is immensely regretful after all his efforts to try talking to you were denied, he decided after his practice he was going to get you to talk to him or at least get you to listen to his apologies on what happened yesterday evening.

You left your clubroom and made your way to the school gate to go home.

“Y/N!” shouted Iwaizumi touching your shoulder making you flinch ‘wow did we really scare her that bad?”  

“What do you want iwa?” You asked very agitated

“Y/N I just want to apologize for yesterday, since it was April fools day and all the boys really wanted to prank someone and I-it just happened to be-”

“It just happened to be me. Right?” you interrupted “Gosh Iwaizumi, I was really scared.. I already had a tiring day and all I wanted was my boyfriend to teach me the stupid Pythagoras Theorem and cuddle me afterwards, but no you and your friends just had to be dicks for a day” you turn around planning to walk away before he grabs you again  

“Wait! Just wait y/n, im sorry and I wont ever prank you like that again” he pleaded

“.. and i’ll help you study?” he added pulling the sweetest face of all time to try and convince you  

“ugh, fine stop pulling that face... and you better teach me Pythagoras Theorem” you said rolling your eyes

“yeah yeah whatever you say y/n” he said pulling you under his arm and walking in the direction of his house.

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way this turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work  

Daichi:

You decided this morning that you were NOT going to participate in your annual April Day Fool’s prank with Tanaka and Noya... only because of your not-so new boyfriend Daichi saying he didn’t need his teammates corrupting you any longer so you decided to not get involved. With that being said you wouldn’t even think of your boyfriend pulling a prank on you so you didn’t think you’re getting pranked today.

In the gym, the boys were doing the usual: Hinata and Kageyama running after eachother, Tanaka and Noya oogling Kiyoko, Tsukishima listening to music, Yama and Yachi going over club schedules whilst Daichi sat with Sugawara and Asahi.

“So are you pranking anyone today?” sugawara asked

“Pranking someone, isn’t that a bit too juvenile suga?” Asahi replied

“Not you silly, Daichi” said sugawara “With Y/N on his arm they always have to stay on eachothers toes right..she’s a ‘jokester’ right?”

“...right?” Daichi hadn’t thought of it that way, he did know of all your joking escapades before you even got together and how you still liked to joke around now as you date.. He didn’t want you to think that you thought he was too boring for you ?

“Ok. What type of prank should I pull on her..”

Daichi, Sugawara and Asahi (who didn’t really contribute to Suga’s scheming) made a plan for you to meet him at the gym locker with the claims that he had a ‘surprise’ for you .. oh how he was wrong.

Daichi: meet me at the gym locker I have something to show you  

Y/N: Ok!! I’ll be there in 5 minutes

Daichi was nervous, and that was an understatement he didn’t want things to go left and have you thinking he couldn’t even do a simple prank. Once you got there, he saw heard you talking to Sugawara and Asahi outside the door about him wondering where he was in which Suga told you inside the locker room.

“Hey babe” you greeted “what's the occasion in why we’re in here?”

“I...uh..um I need to get something one second” Daichi spoke quickly and rushed out the room closing the door leaving you confused. Minutes passed, and you were now impatient and kinda scared since the room was dusty, dark and cold definitely not your place to be in. You tried texting Daichi but just your luck you have no service ://  

As time went on you tried opening the door but it was jammed shut no hope opening at all you forgot you left your bag outside which of course had your inhaler which did not help the sudden shortness of breath you started to get because of your asthma and claustrophobia. All you wanted was to get out of this room and talk to … Daichi.

Daichi. How convenient that he manage to slip away before the door got closed hmm but he wouldn’t intentionally prank you after ALL the lectures he gave you about not doing pranks this year right?

You didn’t notice how you started to cry and whimper wanting to leave.

On the outside, Daichi heard your cries and ordered Sugawara and Asahi to find the key to immediately get you out which it seems to take a while because Daichi has now stopped hearing your tears making him gulp in fear thinking something bad has happened to you in there.

Sugawara comes to you handing Daichi the keys, his handing shaking as he tries to unlock the door when he eventually does he finds you passed out on the ground of the dusty storage room. Very cliché I know ://

You wake up in the Nurses Office a bit confused on how you got there until your eyes land upon Daichi, remembering how you locked you in the Storage room where you had an asthma attack and passed out. You turned your body away from Daichi not wanting to talk to him right now after the hypocrisy he did.

“Y/N.. Are you alright?” He asked

“Do I look alright?” You responded in a bored tone

“I am really sorry Y/N... I know what I said to you about not doing pranks this year but Sugawara roped me into this and I didn’t want you to think I was too boring for you so I thought doing this prank would make you see me in a different light” he said

“yeah i saw you in a different light alright” you sassed, you then realised what he said ‘too boring’ kind of feeling less mad and more sad that he feels this way “Dai, you’d never be to boring for me … you’re one of the most funness is that a word? guys I've ever met.”

“really?” he asked  

“Of course! I’m kind of still mad at you for letting this happen but I do sort of understand why” you said giving him a hug.

You were eventually cleared to go home and as you left the clinic you saw Asahi and Sugawara standing at the door.  

“Y/N WE’RE SORRY” they bowed to you waiting on your responses

You chuckled slightly at their cuteness and ruffled both of their hair “all is forgiven, just make sure there’s ‘pranks’ this year “

Which they agreed upon.  

A/N: WOW I DID NOT like the way these turned out but its my first official thing that I wrote hopefully HOPEFULLY MY WORK IMPROVES (I THINK IT WILL) SO please join me on this ‘ride’ in improving my work. Feedback is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED and request too since I will literally write whatever...

I may do a part 2 … any particular characters people want?

[defilerwyrm]

Hi! I was scrolling through the top surgery tag on tumblr and came across your last post, it's fine if the offer isn't still up btw, but I wanted to ask about your experience with HRT specifically with using gel/cream, and all the surgery stuff too if that's alright! Obviously feel free to share as much or as little as you'd want to, I wouldn't want to make you write a super long thing if it was really taxing lol, I'm just really wanting to do HRT and get top/bottom surgery and hearing lots of different experiences for those things have been helping me a lot. Thank you!

Howdy! Yup, offer’s still valid. I’ll start with HRT.

I was nervous about HRT to start with because I have a phobia of hypodermic syringes and— shit, actually, it’s shot day. BRB.

Okay. I was dreading the idea of having to give myself injections every week. The doctor I was going to gave me a choice: drive halfway across the city and pay $20 to have a nurse do it every week, or get a cream version from a local compounder. I went with the cream because I didn’t have the time or money for the other option, and no needles sounded great.

So I took it every day, and I waited. And I waited. At every appointment the doctor asked me how my changes had been coming along and I had to tell her there’d been none. Just be patient, she kept telling me, it takes time. So I waited. And waited. Almost a year of using the cream daily…zero changes. I told the doc I was getting frustrated with the time table and wanted to switch to cypionate injections, and she reiterated that she wouldn’t allow it unless I came in and paid the copay every week.

Incidentally, when I went to her for a letter to get my name & gender marker changed, she cheerfully agreed, did it on the spot…and did not tell me that she was going to charge $300 for it until I got the bill. Some things clicked into place about her and her practice.

Shortly after the name/GM change, I was forced to move to Houston. I was fed up with her and the cream by then so I found a low-cost clinic that did informed consent HRT. On my very first appointment I learned that the topical versions of testosterone are meant for guys who have already HAD male puberty and just need to keep their levels boosted. I walked out with a prescription for testosterone cypionate, 0.4 mg/week. Three months later my voice started changing and I’d never been so happy to sound ridiculous.

Facial and body hair came in slowly. My forearms and throat were the first places where hairs changed from vellus to terminal. There was one appointment where my prescribing RN asked me how my body hair was coming in. “Slowly,” I said. Two days later I got out of the shower, looked down at my belly, and blurted, “Oh my god, I’m a werewolf.”

My facial hair trailed behind still. I started getting the first hints of sideburns after I think 8 months on cypionate. My beard didn’t extend much past my jawline other than my upper lip and the outer rim of my chin, and that was frustrating, so I did some research and started microneedling my face and using liquid minoxidil (Rogaine) daily. It took a long time but it’s helped a lot, and FINALLY my chin hair connects to my moustache.

IMPORTANT side note on minoxidil: it is VERY, VERY DEADLY TO CATS. If there are cats in your life and you’re using minoxidil to encourage terminal hair growth, you MUST either use a rubber glove you use ONLY for that and keep out of cats’ reach OR wash your hands at least twice before touching any cat, and they CANNOT be allowed to come into contact with the places you applied it for no less than four hours. Used 1-2x daily, minoxidil takes 6-12 months to work, so it’s playing the long game, but once you’ve got the terminal hair you want and you’re still taking HRT, you can safely stop using it.

On that note, not much longer after my belly hair exploded, I started noticing my hairline getting thinner up top. RIP me. Minoxidil can help with this too if it happens to you and you don’t fancy the bald look. Note that when people say guys need to look at their mother’s side to predict male pattern baldness, that only applies to CIS men, because the gene is carried on the X chromosome. Guys like us can get it from either side. In my case, my dad’s. -_-

Behaviorally, testosterone very definitely changed me…for the better. Once I was on cypionate for a bit and my levels were good, I was a hell of a lot calmer. I don’t know how much of that was because I was finally treating my dysphoria and how much was because my hormones were being regulated, but it was a big difference. I haven’t actually seen a difference in my libido because I was a horny bastard to begin with, but it DID give me the confidence to eventually start seeking out sexual partners. YMMV very wildly there.

I do notice that I get sluggish and sleepy at the end of my hormonal cycle. A friend calls it “Cat Piss Sundays,” because we both inject on Mondays so Sunday our T is at its nadir, and we feel, well, like cat piss.

This is already really long so I’m putting the rest under a cut!

Wow, Tumblr just randomly deleted like 7 paragraphs. Holy fuck. Okay, I’ll summarize.

If you ever get pushback from a pharmacy falsely claiming that you don’t have insurance when you do, or that it hasn’t been long enough since your last fill, get on the phone with your insurance and your prescriber and check for two things: A) if your doctor prescribed more than one month without telling you and the pharmacy changed your prescription without telling you, and B) if the pharmacist is a cissexist POS who arbitrarily entered F for sex when your insurance has an M.

I’ll spare you the details, but the combination of those things led to me having to pay out of pocket for T for months, being forced to go without my vital psych meds for months, having a nervous breakdown, losing my job, insurance, and home, and falling into financial ruin, and being dogpiled on Reddit for daring to be frustrated at being lied to and denied my medication. All because pharmacy staff didn’t do what they were told because they thought they knew better and then decided to lie about it.

Since I moved back to Austin at the end of 2019, I’ve been getting my T through Planned Parenthood. For some reason, I actually do get my full 10 weeks of T at a time through Walgreens…which was who I was with originally back in Houston when they filled an Rx for one 10 mL vial (25 weeks) with two half-filled 1 mL vials (4 weeks) and didn’t tell anyone, so I don’t even know what the truth behind that whole fiasco was anymore.

I’m about to have to switch pharmacies and my hackles are all the way up about it. Best of luck to both of us.

TOP SURGERY

I lucked out hard: one of the foremost gender affirmation surgical practices in the world has an office in my city, and at the time I had REALLY good insurance. There was a year-long wait for my top surgery and I had to use that time to get my BMI down, which is effectively like telling Tantalus “why don’t you just grab a snack if you’re so hungry” but I was able to starve myself enough to do it. I know a disturbing number of trans men and trans mascs who’ve had their top surgeries pushed back or outright cancelled out from under them because of BMI. I have Opinions on that. But I got it, anyway.

Because of my weight and the size of my breasts, I had to have a bilateral mastectomy—the kind that results in scars running along the bottom of the pecs. If you’re slender and have small breasts, you can probably have a keyhole incision mastectomy, which only leaves tiny little scars. But if you need bilateral, don’t let the kind of art of trans guys you see on Tumblr & Twitter scare you: these artists almost always GROSSLY inflate the size of the scars. They’re not these huge, wide, jagged things. Mine are like 2 mm wide on the right and 3-4 mm wide on the left (the latter are bigger because of my revision, discussed below).

In order for insurance to pay for this, I was able to use the same letters I’d gotten from two therapists, my psychiatrist, and my HRT doctor that I’d used to get my name/GM change done, because it had been less than one year since they were written.

The best advice I can give you is to prepare for the limitations of your recovery. Get button-down shirts, because t-shirts are just not happening, and wear one when you go in for surgery. Move things you’ll need access to down/up to waist height whenever you can. If you’re the type who can eat leftovers and you won’t have someone to cook for you, make up to two weeks worth of food that you can put in the fridge or freezer and then reheat easily. Stay ahead of the pain, in terms of meds, but if they put you on opioids be careful not to double dose within 4-6 hours. DO NOT try to lift anything more than like 5 lbs for the first two weeks. If you’re lucky like I was, you’ll pretty much sleep for the first 7-14 days and then be fine.

I arrived at the hospital at about 5 AM, and left around 7ish PM that same day.

I lucked out again in that I had family in town who let me stay with them for two weeks and bring my cats over, and my mom stayed up here too for a while to help cook and look after me. I was pretty useless then, barely staying awake long enough to eat, use the toilet, and then take another dose of Vicodin before conking back out. Two weeks later, though, I was fine. Except for this one weird little thing.

I didn’t have drains to deal with, which was great, but on the other hand I developed a seroma that dehisced. Those are technical terms for something that wasn’t painful, but it was disturbing, and it was DISGUSTING: the left half of my chest developed a hole that slowly got wider and constantly leaked large amounts of bright orange fluid. Two months post-op, it was only getting worse, so I went in for a revision. Now I have a weird concave section in my left pec and the nipple on that side is weird because it had to be grafted back on a second time. I could fix the concave part by developing my pec muscles, but who has time (and spoons, and equipment) to work out? Anyway I don’t mind the weirdness much. I could be happier with it, but at least I don’t have dog tags on the sides.

BOTTOM SURGERY, PART 1

I was scheduled to have phalloplasty in December 2018. I needed to lose 50 lbs and have a total hysterectomy before then, but I couldn’t find a trans-friendly surgeon for that in Houston. I lost my job and my insurance in July 2018 and couldn’t find another one that actually paid or had benefits in time, so I had to cancel it. Ironically, by the date I’d had scheduled, I’d lost 70 lbs, mostly due to starvation because I couldn’t afford food. Fun times.

HYSTERECTOMY

Once I moved back to Austin and got a solid job, rescheduled my bottom surgery with Dr Crane; there would be an 18-month wait. I actually I managed to find a trans-friendly OB/GYN & obstetric surgeon in my area who sees a LOT of trans patients. Getting scheduled for the hysto was as easy as telling her I’m trans and scheduled for bottom surgery, plus both my mom and her sister had had ovarian and uterine cancers.

I did NOT need to get new letters for this surgery. I’m pretty sure that my OB/GYN entered the reason for it for insurance purposes as being a cancer prevention thing, which is not at all untrue. I also asked her if there was any way I could see my parts that were being extracted, because part of me just really wanted visual confirmation that they were gone, and she agreed. Dr. J. Mushtaler in Austin is EXCELLENT.

I had to pay a little over $1600 up front for my deductible ($500) & out of pocket costs (80% coinsurance up to $2500/yr); YMMV. Always plan on having to pay a couple hundred dollars more than what your calculations suggest. My insurance was billed I think $16k for this one, but that price can vary wildly.

This one came with an overnight hospital stay. There were two delightful nurses watching over me, gently making fun of how clumsy I was when I woke up basically once an hour every hour to piss like a racehorse. Like 750-800 mL at a time. It was crazy, they were pumping me full of so much fluid and boy did it show. They did that to make sure that I could pee properly: the uterus rests right on top of the bladder, so removing it can sometimes cause issues with urination like incontinence. Two and a half years later I still pee like…I’d guess 8-12 times a day. Then again I also drink 3-5 liters of water a day, so I’m sure that has a lot to do with it too, but even before I really started hydrating well I needed to pee a lot. I asked my mom and one of my BFFs, both of whom had hysterectomies before me, if they‘d found they had to pee all the time afterward, and they said yeah.

At my post-op checkup, Dr Mustaler handed me a glossy printout that showed laproscopic photos of both ovaries before removal and my uterus post-removal. I kinda want to get it framed. I can only describe my liver as “cute”.

Recovery was longer, I think 4 weeks? And I spent most of it sitting in a recliner with an ice back on my belly. I was sore a lot, and I couldn’t move quickly or bend over Or Else, but it wasn’t that bad. I watched (and slept through) A LOT of TV.

About a month later I started having what I can only describe as mild hot flashes, because my estrogen levels basically bottomed out due to the removal of my ovaries. I am pretty sure that these were mild because a) I’ve been on testosterone and b) folks who’ve been through normal menopause AND my non-binary friend who had a hysto but isn’t on T make them sound a lot worse than what I had. They didn’t last long, either in individual duration or in the span of time when I was having them. They were just a mild inconvenience that dropped off after like I think three months.

I swore out loud, at age 6, that I was never having babies. I haven’t reconsidered for a microsecond. The peace of mind that comes from knowing that, not only am I forevermore spared the Hell of menstruation, but I will NEVER, EVER have to worry about an unwanted pregancy.

BOTTOM SURGERY, PART 2

This one…this one has cost me.

The first piece of preparation was laser hair removal. It cost $100/session every 3 months, up until Dr. Crane’s office started offering it at $30/session for their patients so you better believe I switched to them. I needed this because with radial flap phalloplasty, the lower ~half of one forearm gets skinned and used to form the neophallus, along with a length of the radial nerve, and you’re not gonna want a hairy dick. Laser changed my terminal hairs to vellus ones after like two sessions, but it’s growing back, and frankly I wish I’d gotten electrolysis instead because that‘s better at permanently removing hairs. Eventually I’m gonna need laser done on my dick now, sigh. Oh well. But yeah, if you get phalloplasty, start laser or electrolysis at least a year in advance.

I spent most of 2021 worrying my head off that my surgery would get cancelled because I’d gained so much weight back even though Dr. Crane hadn’t given me a BMI goal this time. As phone-averse as I am, it just didn’t occur to me to…you know…call and ask. When I finally did, they said no, they wouldn’t cancel it on me, and a mountain rolled off my shoulders.

However, if you use nicotine products, you DO need to quit as early as you can, because nicotine is a HUGE retardant factor to healing as it restricts blood flow, and after a graft, blood flow is VITAL. You can literally lose your new dick if you smoke or vape etc post-op. Deal with the cravings.

Pre-op, I was told to stop taking T, Vyvanse, and my OTC supplements. What all you get told to stop taking will depend on, well, what you’re taking at the time.

I did have to get new WPATH letters for this surgery, since it’d been more than a year since the originals were written. I got one from my psychiatrist and another I think from Planned Parenthood.

I found out at my pre-op appointment when I went in to pay the $2404 to the hospital, get checked in, etc, that Dr. Crane wanted to use an artificial skin to replace what would be taken from my forearm instead of natural skin from my thigh. Problem was, insurance wouldn’t pay for it and it cost six thousand dollars, which I did not REMOTELY have (in fact I had exactly $2400 in savings and…not much in checking, at the time). I brought it up with him and he was like “No problem, I’ll call the hospital and tell them to cancel that part,” which he did then and there, and that was that. I also got an EKG and learned that my heart is functioning normally, which was GREAT to hear as a 38yo fat guy.

I spent five days in the hospital post-op. I just remember being tired, sore, bored, and always frustrated with the OSAT monitor on my finger, and having trouble eating. There was something about them having to use warfarin during surgery and then ease me off it that I wasn’t cogent enough to understand, but that certainly could have gone worse.

Recovery was the pits. I scheduled myself 11 weeks off work and that was definitely the right decision, at least in terms of physical recovery, but oh gods have my finances suffered for it (more on that later). Once again I spent most of my time asleep or dozing, trying to stay ahead of the pain. My genitals and arm weren’t the worst part. The worst part was, without a shadow of a doubt, the catheter.

It was a suprapubic balloon catheter, which means that they made a hole from my lower belly directly into my bladder and ran a tube through it. If/when you have one, stay on top of the bladder spasm medication they give you. It was awful. Increasingly as I spent more and more time awake, the feeling of needing to pee urgently never went away. There were many, many times I’d go use the toilet, barely get anything out, wash my hands, come back out, sit down, and then get right back up to do it again within like three minutes.

The worst of it was the day before the cath was removed, three weeks in. I was told to stop taking the bladder spasm meds, and my opioids ran out the same day because I was only given I think 20 pills. That, uh. That was a 10 on the pain scale. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, could barely breathe, all I could do was lie there holding back tears and wishing for death. I had never imagined my fucking bladder of all things would put me in such a state of pure abjection. The next day they took it out, which I was conscious and unmedicated for. The sensation was…oh boy it was weird. It was so weird. It didn’t hurt per se—in fact the relief was so instantaneous it almost felt ecstatic—but the feeling of a long tube with a collapsible balloon going FWOOP! out of an unnatural hole in my body was one to remember.

Recovery was a LOT less painful after that horrible cath was removed, but it got…messier. I was eager to start learning to pee standing up and let’s just say I did a lot of pants changes and toilet-cleaning, and gained a newfound appreciation for what parents go through when potty training AMAB children. I also discovered that I had not one, but TWO fistulae. Great.

A fistula is a tunnel in the flesh that goes from the urethra all the way to the outside of the body. This is THE most common side complication of phalloplasty (to the tune of 40%), so it wasn’t surprising, but it has definitely been frustrating. I told my RN about it and she said they usually heal on their own but if it’s still there in 6 months they’d correct it surgically. Sure enough, the bigger one closed right up on its own, but the smaller one right at the base is taking its sweet fucking time about it, so I have to go full cartoon frog and drop my pants to my ankles when I piss because if I lift my dick so as to pee with just my fly open I’ll get urine all over my underwear and probably my pants too. OFW.

The two biggest pieces of advice I got re: fistula healing were 1) keep your junk clean & dry and 2) spend time lying down naked with your legs open as much as you can.

Another frustrating aspect of recovery was that I couldn’t masturbate for almost three solid months, but that didn’t stop me from WANTING to. The upshot is that once I finally found that I could try it without hurting myself, I can get off in like 2-3 minutes flat if I’m lucky/keyed up enough—in comparison to how it took 45+ minutes pre-op. I’m still learning what works and what doesn’t, but when it works, oh BOY does it WORK.

Aside from that one day of Hell before the cath was removed, the biggest downside to this has been the financial one. The surgery itself took every cent of my savings. That’s fine, this is what I’d been saving for. But my income has been the biggest thing.

Short Term Disability Leave insurance, or STDL, pays nothing for the first 7-12 days of leave and then 60% of your normal wage/salary, not including overtime. At my previous corporate job, the place I worked at when I had top surgery, the company paid the missing 40%. At my current company, a few months before surgery I asked around and found a coworker who had recently been on STDL for several months. She said that this company also did that for her, and that she didn’t have to request it or anything, it just happened.

Fast forward a few weeks after surgery. I’m waiting for my STDL pay to come in. It doesn’t. I check their website and find out they don’t have my direct deposit information, because they never prompted me for it in any way (including any of the times I emailed or called them) other than a link inside their website on one specific page For payouts. And it was gonna take 4 weeks to process. And no, they said they couldn’t speed that up. I actually ended up having to submit my info twice and email them again to get it to go through. By then I find out they mailed me a physical check…on the 30th. So I had to wait 10 days for that to come in, and then two more days for the deposit to hit my account, and by then my rent was overdue for almost two solid weeks.

I also noticed that what I was getting was…A LOT less than what I usually made, even accounting for getting weekly pay instead of semi-monthly. I emailed payroll about it, and they had to ask around, and THEN, A MONTH AFTER SURGERY, I found out that NO, my company pays NONE of the missing 40% now. AWESOME. So get that info in advance, in writing, well before your surgery so you can predict how hard you’re going to have to save up!

Because it gets worse! For the end of August, all of September, and all of October, I made 60% of my regular income. I don’t make much as it is so that was horrible, and I was only able to get by on the priceless generosity of the friends I stayed with for the first 3 weeks. I went back to work November 18th, so I was going to have 60% from STDL for the first half of the month and my regular pay after that…except at my job, our paychecks come in twice a month with a full pay cycle offset, so between the 17th of November and the 13th of December, I had ZERO INCOME beyond what I could scrape in from Etsy, meaning that not only did I make a mere 30% of my normal income for that month, but I had to spend 100% of my paycheck for Dec 13 on overdue rent and bills, leaving nothing but my overdraft allowance for food, gas, and moving supplies. AWESOME.

But you know what? With the exception of the nauseated rage I still feel over fictional depictions of trans men in erotica and lingering resentment that my penis doesn’t work the same way an AMAB person’s does, my bottom dysphoria is fucking GONE. And THAT is worth 100% of the suffering and expense.

So, advice on bottom surgery: plan as far ahead as you possibly can. You’ll need laser surgery, you might need to lose weight and/or quit nicotine, you need to know if your employer pays the missing 40% STDL doesn’t pay, you need to save up probably several thousand dollars for hospital fees and post-op expenses, and you will need someone to drive you around because you ain’t sitting down comfortably anytime soon.

Oh also, your forearm will look like pastrami for a few weeks. Follow care instructions religiously. Move your hand around in every direction as often as you can. Do carpal tunnel type exercises. Go to physical therapy for it if you can. The longer it stays stiff, the stiffer it will stay. I’ve regained almost all my mobility back in my left hand by now, four months post-op, but I don’t think I’ll ever be able to touch my thumb to my forearm again. :( Oh well, small price to pay.

BOTTOM SURGERY, PART 3

There is one thing they typically DON’T due during the phalloplasty/scrotoplasty/vaginectomy surgery: your implants! These are optional but I for one am looking forward to getting them. One set of implants will be a set of silicone testicles. That means your scrotum will just be an empty sac for the first few months post-op. The other is an erectile implant that will allow you to more easily have sex as the penetrating partner. There are two kinds of these, with a few subtypes each: a flexible rod that you can pose manually, and an inflatable rod with a tiny little pump that goes into the scrotum. I don’t know which kind I’m getting yet. I don’t even have a date set for all that, but it’s typically done 6-9 months post-op, because they want you to be fully healed before going back in. That surgery should only have a 1- to 2-week recovery time. I’ve slept with a cis guy who has the pump kind and it’s pretty effective!

FINAL THOUGHTS

Gender identity is an incredibly varied and personal thing. My surgeon, and many other gender affirmation surgeons, believe that surgical options should be just as varied. If you like having a vagina but really want a penis, there are options for that—and not just metoidioplasty and Centurion, you can get phallo too. If you want your nipples tattooed on later or if you don’t want them at all when you get top surgery, you can do that. When making decisions for what kind of outcomes you want, talk to your surgeon about what’s possible, and if they’re worth their salt, they’ll find a way to come up with a transition path that’s tailored to your needs.

Okay, time to post this and hope Tumblr doesn’t eat it. If it does I might do something ill-advised to my iPad.

[getawayaccount]

Chicago Med: Post Mortem (halloween special)

Note: Moodboard inspired by holdendadcliffe & kitthekazoo works. I'm more of a video maker myself but I don't have access to an editor rn so, yeah. *sigh*

Jamaica was the best they had had in a really long time. The small town was perfect, lost in the middle of nowhere, Vermont, and hidden behind ten feet tall walls. It wasn’t on most maps and its name itself confused people enough so they hardly ever got unwanted visitors despite the signs they had made and dropped off all over the northern part of the country. ‘Contact Channel 11 for any medical emergency’. It wasn’t to say their community wasn’t growing. Jamaica Free Teaching Clinic, as they had decided to name it, had already gained a fair number of students in the past few months, and the occasions to learn were numerous as the EMTs kept coming in with more and more patients.

“Doctor Halstead, incoming,” called Taylor, one of their first nursing students.

Will got up from behind his desk to follow Taylor to one of the makeshift trauma rooms.

“Negative, gunshot, no exit wound,” started Jessie, one of their paramedics, when she caught sight of Will in the corridor. “Another guy was already on the scene when we arrived.”

“What guy?” Will asked frowning.

“Says he is a doctor but didn’t give us a name,” Jessie answered.

Something about those words triggered a memory in Will’s mind but he pushed it away.

“You brought him here?” he asked.

“Didn’t really have a choice, he didn’t want to let us take over,” Jessie said.

She shrugged and Will sighed as they reached the room where a nurse and a med student were already running around to try and do their job, while another man was doing chest compression on their patient, his back to Will.

“Okay Doc, I’m Doctor Halstead, Chief of Emergencies,” he said. “And I’m gonna need you to get off the gurney and let me do my job, alright?”

“Well, Doctor Halstead,” the man started. Will’s heart quite literally missed a beat, one of his gloves falling to the ground as the other threw him a look over his shoulder. “Think of me as your new trauma fellow.”

That smile. Will didn’t think he would ever see that smile ever again. Even before the World fell apart...

“Doctor Halstead?” called Taylor. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yes,” he said.

Will started moving again and soon all their attention was back on the matter at hand. It wasn’t before they somehow managed to stabilize the guy, Will allowed himself to do what he had wanted to do since he had recognized the man, Jessie had brought in. One second he was checking the cuffs on the guy’s wrist - a precaution - the next, he was throwing his arms around the newcomer and confusing the hell out of everybody else in the room.

He felt Connor - Connor freaking Rhodes - chuckled against his skin and only held him tighter as his ex-colleague and friend hugged him back.

“Do you give all the new guys the same speech or?” Connor joked.

“Shut up,” Will mumbled.

“I miss you too,” Connor answered without missing a beat.

They stood there, locked in an embrace until someone else in the room cleared their throat.

“Hm, Doctor Halstead?” tried Taylor. “Do you need us to do anything else or…”

“No, sorry, no,” Will said. He obliged himself to let go of Connor but couldn’t bring himself to take a step back and put even more distance between them. “Connor, this is Taylor and Eric, two of our nursing students, and Jada here is one of our med students. And Jessie, you have already met, I believe. Guys, meet Doctor Rhodes, one of the best trauma and ct surgeons on this side of the country.”

“One of?” Connor repeated, not without humor. “Not the best?”

“Well, depends, do you know if all the other ones are dead?” Will shot back on the same tone.

“Ah-ah, how long have you been waiting to make that joke?” Connor asked.

“Three years, more or less,” Will said.

Connor snorted and shook his head. And Will couldn’t help himself and brought his arms around the other man again, as the three students and Jessie took it as their cue to leave the room.

[mallowstep]

I'm having so much fun asking about vamps AU, feels like a fitting way to mark one year of our friendship (don't know exactly when I first found you and started sending asks over anon but I do remember I started rereading DotC like on June 1st exactly so I propose that for our approximate friendship anniversary date) to go back to this dynamic where I constantly invite myself into your inbox with all my nagging curiosity. So, ok, ok, ok. I wanna hear some more about what Lion and Holly are up to. I don't have anything like specific to ask so you can tell me as little or as much as you want about the topics you want. Whether that's the relationship to either of their moms, their dynamic as siblings, how they feel about their brother's wife, Brambleclaw, fun facts about them, whatever.

i'm having so much fun answering it's like

inside my head:

hehehe briar is sooo good at playing the trophy wife (briar "ah yes time to kiss him on the cheek in a way that's actually a calculated political move" light) and ooohhh here they are being dorks and having fun

on blog:

right yeah so let's discuss territory boundaries and overlaps...

you get the idea XD

lion and holly!

holly is kind of working as a campaign manager for squilf. she's not at the meeting table (leaning harder and harder towards "she's vamp married to willowshine, high ranking member of riverclan's court"), so she's behind the scenes, and that's what she's been doing the whole time.

rn i'm thinking we'll have fic one (meet cute) & fic two (politics), so for fic one and prior, she's mostly chilling in rome and doing her job as like. a day to day member of vamp functioning.

rn i think lion is living in a houseboat. like he's just vibing. sometimes he sleeps for a whole ass week.

that and going on dates with cinderheart LOL. they're not courting (yet), but they do like to have fun together.

lion is EASILY closest to squirrelflight. while jay doesn't call her mom like holly and lion, lion is like. "yes. mom. mama. mother. i love her." he's the guy where you know he's a good guy because of how much he loves his mother*

*this is a joke please don't assume someone's character based on one trait you don't know what their life is like all feelings towards mothers are valid

holly is definitely in the middle. she's not super close with leafpool like jayfeather is (i'm also presently leaning towards jayfeather lives closest towards leaf, also he went to medical school), but she's not lionblaze either. her relationship with squirrelflight can be very clinical at times.

as siblings...holly and lion are way closer to each other than they are jay, altho that's a product of proximity more than anything else. the three of them are all pretty close, but in the distant way immortality tends to have on relationships. like they're permanently siblings in their twenties. (they're also pretty young for vampires.)

holly also thinks lion is a bit of a freeloader.

holly loves briar! she definitely is a bit more removed from human society than both lion and jay, so she's kind of...a little weird about it? it's a subtle quality of "oh it would be so much fun to buy you some dresses so you look nice! you're so cute!"

token human stuff.

lion doesn't have a strong opinion, but in a positive way? like she's nice. she's fine. she makes jay happy. he is kind of jealous jay gets to have company during extended negotiations. he would like cinderheart to be sitting on his lap thank you very much.

(aside: there's definitely a smoke break quality to this all. briar has human needs after all. jay is absolutely leaving the room to take care of her and not at all to update holly on what's going on and get any feedback from her. he would NEVER do that.)

brambleclaw and holly are close, but he was distant with them as children and lion and jay haven't gotten over that. (he was way less distant w holly as well.)

(sobs i am thinking about bramble and holly again. he's SUCH an ass in bramblestar's storm but i think that's the one that has some really sweet bramble&holly reflections? anyway.)

also holly is the tallest

[straykats]

i saw your tags on this and maybe i'm too dramatic but this made super emotional :( like this thing of acknowledging that these people mind not even remember you but you do. you do and you care and you hope they have a good life. even if they don't remember you!!!! idk man i'm going through one of those 'humanity is beautiful moment'

its bc they have dementia BAJDNS so even while i was there they wouldnt remember me, even if they saw me the day before

no but yes that aside i do know what you mean !! as part of my course i do prac placements at all types of places and meet all types of people, and i continuously drive past those areas so im always wondering all these people are doing.

how are the kids doing? theyre a year older now!! the kindy kids are at school every day now, instead of 2-3 times a week?? and i wonder how the teacher who was engaged is doing, if she's married yet? if the kids still sing the same 'days of the week' song?

and i wonder if the yr2 boy with adhd is coping better jow than he was last year, and if the kid who had a bad home environment and took it out on people at school when he was agitated - if he's doing okay too? he was one of the sweetest kids though and he loved his teacher/my supervisor so much and he was able to express his emotions through art and i think about him so much i hope hes doing well too.

and !! i wonder if the guy with cerebal palsy and his mum are doing good, and if the support worker who took him out every friday still sees him every week?

and the boy i met on my first year prac- i wonder if he got his motorcycle license, if he has better friends now, if his girlfriend is still with him. i wonder if one of the OTs at the clinic i did my first prac at finished her research project, and if the other OT finally found that book she wanted to read, rven though i dont remember the title.

and the aged care residents - i drive past the facility the most, and i wonder if theyre all well, and i also wonder who's still there and who isn't, and while i wish and hope theyre all still around, i know that the chances arent that high. i wonder if the resident who joined a few weeks before i left is more comfortsble jow, and if that couple that i spoke about in the tags can still see their children often. i wonder if the wife still tellls the same stories to whoever will listen, even if it's the fifth time that day.

i wonder how the staff at the facility are doing, because god knows how stressful it must have been for them this past year. i wonder if my OT supervisor's daughter is heslthy and if he's taken time off to take care of her. i wonder if the acting manager at the time (who was one of the head nurses) is still the acting manager, and if he still lets one of the rrsidents come into the office and sit there with him while he does work.

im getting sad now but i miss them all, the way you miss someone you don't really know. all those people whose lives you know you've impacted, whose lives you hope you've impacted. will the kids remember me when they go to the zoo, because i made a zoo game for them? will they remember me when they make paper planes? will that one girl remember me, sometimes, when she write sthe number 3? i was so proud of her when she managed to do it!

the whole idea that we're all.. transient, that our presence is both permanent and impermanent. we were there, we existed in this person's life, and they might never remember. they might forget, by choice or not. we have memories of them now, but in the future, we too might forget.

[insert that changbin fic i wrote HAHAHAH]

anyways yeah got really rambly and i kinda dont expect u to read all that but MAN am i feeling emotions rn

[tmitransitioning]

Do you guys have any really really good experiences w transitioning? Like, obv i'm not comfortable rn but the thought of being trans and the difficulties that surround that seems rlly draining and hopeless. it's not that i don't wanna transition/go on t /get top surgery, just when i think about how transphobic the world is, i think might be better to "stay" a girl even if it upsets me sometimes. is it...possible to live happily as a trans person? being seen as a girl doesnt feel good at all

I’m living stealth as a man, after 6+ years. I’ve been able to travel the US and some of the world (germany, Thailand) with a new passport and no difficulties.One of my best friends, when i was first starting to transition, is now married, and the stepfather of an adorable little girl. One of my favorite people hosts a podcast, the gaytheist manifesto. before she transitioned, she was stuck in a soulcrushing job, and now does all this great advocacy work locally and nationally: she gets to fly around and talk about trans and atheist intersection issues.  Two of my other favorite people work at a LGBT clinic, doing HIV and trans healthcare and advocacy work (one is a trans woman, one a trans man).  The guy just got engaged after knowing his beau for a few years.  The world feels overwhelming sometimes with transphobia.  it’s sad and scary, but it’s not always, and not all the time.  You can find your community and find your safe people.  It feels worse lately, with bad things in the news, especially since certain politicians have control, which is why we have to work to talk to get better ones elected, work to talk to ones whose minds can be changed, work to get protections in place in our states, our workplaces.  But it’s not always going to be this bad.  even if it’s a little worse right now, we’ve been making strides year by year.  We’ve come a long way, decade by decade.  we’re miles above where we were in our parent’s time, and their parent’s time.  If it’s not safe for you to come out now, do what you need to, in order to stay both safe and hold your mind together until it feels safe.  have hope.  It’s going to be so good one day.  you’ll be able to live your truth and you’re going to be amazing. mod mayhem (please add stories)