#i've got therapy tomorrow though so that's sick

[elytrafemme]

finished watching fight club. i've got a lot of thoughts that can be summarized into "holy shit. faggot behavior. good fucking movie." but one thing i won't be spilling to my college friend masses is that this movie is like. scary close to what it was like interacting with nightshade and dahlia for the first time. did i ever fucking talk about them? obviously the second one but. christ. like i truly cannot express to you how fucked this is from an integrated (?) system (?) perspective.

[harrysmimi]

CEOrry Pt. 3

Synopsis: One where things get messy but Patience is a virtue

Series Masterlist | More of my work

YN was nervous.

Very nervous to talk to Harry. He haven't got to see her because of her finals, apart from checking up on her through calls and texts. But her convocation is tomorrow and she's got a doctor's appointment for the 12th week.

She's started to show up pretty prominently now, especially to herself.

He's going to be excited, that's bound to be. He's also going to ask if he can feel the baby, though there's a doubt there's anything to feel and that inevitable that he won't ask that. YN's been feeling very uncomfortable in her body lately. Especially when she's gained a little weight. Healthy weight. But on the video call the other day her step mother was the first and very excited to point that out. That caused her father to ask her questions but nothing made him suspicious about anything.

But YN's also gotten obsessed her little baby bump. She should get used to this because she'll have to leave the little one growing in her womb. Which is not something she's really looking forward to. Her friends have been bugging her wanting to touch her belly, which she doesn't really have a problem with but she also doesn't want to be touched. Especially when she's been insecure about her body lately.

It's not the first time. But she's learnt a way to over come it and be confident in who she is and how she is.

Anyway she got into her knock off branded Adidas sweats, an old T-shirt and her dad's jerkin she stole years ago before she was on her way down stairs.

To her surprise, Harry came to pick her alone today. No Jeremy.

"Hey!" Harry beamed watching her get in the passenger seat.

"Hi." She smiled back as she buckled up her seat belt.

"How are you doing? Been long since I saw you." He pulled out of the parking spot, headed to the way of maternity clinic for her scheduled check up.

"I've been good." She shared, "morning sickness here and there, but I'm doing good."

"Why didn't you tell me, YN?" He scolded, lowkey.

"Is there anything you can do about morning sickness?"

"We would have figured something out." He looked pissed now, sort of, "or I could have called Dr. Wilson to see if there is something we can do."

"It's fine, Harry, I'll ask her about it today." She sighed in defeat.

YN have been feeling way too emotional lately. She cried last night because there was no milk for her tea at midnight. Poor Josh had to make a run to the grocery store last minute. Now she usually doesn't cry but she can't help it lately. And she felt bad for even letting her friend go out in middle of the night to get her some milk.

She sat there in silence the whole ride to the clinic, waiting for their turn. Just lost in her own thoughts.

What is she even doing?

Her dad is going to be upset with her, even though she's sure he'll come around and make peace with it. But disappoint someone who's always been so kind and loving and patient with her, her whole entire life?

It is going to be inevitable to hide from him. As her cousin is getting married just two and half months after she's due for delivery. And she has to be there because she's really close the cousin who's getting married. It js hard being around her relatives as it is, and her changed appearance is going to cause a lot of questions.

The truth is going to raise a lot of eyebrows towards her character. No one will understand why she's done what she's done. Nor does she expects anyone to. It's just that she doesn't know if she'll be able to handle all of this.

And surely her step mother is going to be using this against her. She has to tell her father before he hears it from someone else.

It was going to be just like when she started therapy at the age of thirteen. People in her family thought she was going mental. She really had to pull out of it because the bickering and gossiping was getting too much.

And it wasn't like therapy was working for her either way.

Loss of her own mother and her dad marrying again withing two years, shocked her. But she's made peace with it all now. Or has she really?

"YN?" Harry gentle touch on her shoulder brought her back to earth.

"Yes?" She gasped, "is it my turn?"

"No it's not. Not yet." Harry looked st her concerned, "YN, hey love, is everything okay?"

She realised she was crying again, "yeah, everything is fine." She assured him, laughing softly to make the vibe lighter around her. "I'm getting very emotional lately."

"That's okay." He rested his hand on her back, "you can talk to me if anything is bothering you, okay?"

"Okay." She nodded. "I just can't help it. I'm sorry!"

"Hey, come here." He cooed as he pulled her into a warm hug, "it's okay, you can cry. You sure there's nothing bothering you?"

"Mhmm." She lied.

"Okay. We have to wait ten minute, just a little heads up for you." He whispered to her. And she swore she felt a feathery kiss being placed on her hair!

"I'm going to ruin your white shirt, my mascara is not waterproof." She sniffled pulling away politely from him.

The bare minimum is gonna get her in deep trouble here!

He just nodded and sat there. Soon enough ut was her turn. Everything was fine, the baby is growing perfectly, YN's healthy too. No complications as well. Well, her tiny bump was no longer secret to Harry. He didn't say anything though.

And they got new pictures!

"Hey, are you mad?" She asked when they reached his car in the car park.

"No, I'm happy that the baby and you are healthy." He looked at her confusedly and concerned. "Let's go to my place, yeah? We can talk it over lunch. Just not here."

"Yeah."

......................................................................

His place looked slightly different.

YN's been to his house just a couple of times. Very humble looking for a millionaire. Just a four bedroom, three story house in a quiet and gated community.

She was very nervous to go to his house the first time when he asked her to meet him there for their agreement. She was also very intimidated by him the first time.

He stood almost a feet taller than her, bulky with his piercing green eyes and serious look. He is always wearing suits, which added to the intimidating vibes. YN found out he's got dimples just about few weeks ago!

Turns out he's a real softie in reality.

YN was very nervous obviously. She looked tired and shaken up. Desparate for help.

Now that he thinks behind he was too harsh on her. Like way too harsh. Interviewing her like he's going to hire her to hold all of his secrets to the grave. Part of him wanted to know all about her because the surrogacy thing doesn't allow him to read much about the personal choices she makes which may affect his future child.

Now, YN had partial idea of what she was getting herself into. She was stood in front of a giant front door to a fucking mansion. Shiny and expensive looking door handle. Two expensive looking pots with actual live plants in them on either side of the door.

She missed the huge dog by the gate which had two security guards dresses in all black who checked her stuff before she was allowed past the gates. She could see the flecks of what was the back yard from the side of his mansion.

Not realising she was stood there for more that several minutes as the door was opened even before she could get s chance to ring the door bell. There he stood, dresses in a baby blue shirt with a white sheer button down underneath it, a black Gucci belt held the pants to on his upper hips, a gold buckle on it. His shirt was partially open with a display of silver cross necklace he wore, and flecks of his chest hair. He stood about a foot or half taller than her there. Piercing green eyes and lucious eye lashes. Straight a prominent nose with lips of the softest shade of pink she has ever seen.

She shook off her thoughts knowing there is 98% chance he's married, wanting kids with his wife or husband or spouse.

"Hi, please come in." He stepped aside so she can get in.

YN clutched onto handles of her bag hung over her shoulders tightly as she walked in. She was expecting the partner to show up any time. She was more nervous for that. Harry asked her to take a seat as he walked in the kitchen asking if she would like anything to drink.

"Just water please." She shared. It didn't take him long to come back out with a glass of cold water and a mug of black coffee for himself. It was almost six in the evening and he was having a coffee.

YN was already sat, carefully on the expensive looking leather sofa clutching onto her bag for her dear life. She's never been this nervo before. Not even for her job interviews. She worked as a teacher at a pre-school for now and worked a second job on weekends and even on week days if she got time. She even saw a green and black files lying on the coffee table with a fancy looking pen.

"So you're really sure you want to do this, Ms. YLN?" He asked.

"Please, call me YN." She said nervously, "and ummm, aren't we going to wait for your partner..." She dragged out the word trying to figure out right words, "... spouse?"

"We won't have to, because I don't have one." He set his coffee mug down. "These are the agreements you can take this and read it please. And we'll work from there."

"That's it?" She was shocked. "You called me all the way here for this?" And now she's confused, because she already agreed to the online agreement she signed on the surrogacy site.

"You might wanna read that, Ms. YLN." He pointed out.

"Yeah, yes, I, I am gonna read it. Obviously." She still couldn't stop stuttering. "I thought you had me over because you wanted to ask few things, that's what your manager told me." She was very scared in that moment.

"Yes, but I figured it wouldn't be necessary." He shared.

YN opened the file to have a read at the agreement which didn't look that long. But it hit her.

"Wait, you clearly don't have a wife or a girlfriend or a partner or whatever!" She couldn't fathom what she was getting herself into, "this baby would be mine as well, unless you have an egg donor. Please tell me you have that sorted?"

"No, I don't." He admitted way too casually for her liking.

That didn't sit right with her. That baby would be hers as well then. She wouldn't want to give up her baby, and in future go on to pretend as if she doesn't have her first born somewhere in the world with her own kids she gets to keep.

Her mind was racing a hundred thoughts per minute as she read the agreement. The clauses had her feel more anxious. She has to quit her fucking job?!

He wad ready to agree on whatever amount she wanted in return!

There is no questions to be asked from the recieving party, where as she is obligated to answers every question. Especially questions related to her health and medical problems or history. It was for the safety of the child.

She can't see the baby after they're born.

"I'm sorry, I, I can't do this." She closed the file and placed it back on the table in from of her. "I can't give up my child like that. I thought you just needed someone to carry your baby for you and your partner. And, and I can't even ask questions?"  She was also on verge of crying. "I, I hope you understand."

"You'll get anything you ask for." He shrugged as if he was making a fucking business deal, "can sign you a cheque for a hundred thousand pounds now and we'll sort out the rest later."

"What? No!" She exclaimed, "you-- can I ask why you want a baby when you're clearly single?"

"You can't." He's very blunt with his answers. "No questions. Just let me know by the end of this week."

"You don't have to wait for the end of the week, I won't be doing this." She stood firm to her decision, "hope you find someone who's ready to work on your conditions, but I can't."

Harry was disappointed but he can't be really. She doesn't agree with it. He can't force her. And YN just left that day.

Just for her to call his manager back up ten days later, in desparation of agreeing but she wasn't going to quit either of her jobs. And that was final. To which he clearly agreed as he had no more patience in him.

And here they are.

His beige sofa and ottomans were switched to yellow sofa and a burgundy and blue side sofa chair thingies. A natural wood stock coffee table with a glass top was set in middle, on a Moroccan rug underneath. Apart from that everything was same.

"You got new sofa?" She asked.

"Yeah." He closed the door behind him after following her inside, "my god daughter, Ruby was over the other day and she spilt her blue paint all over me sofa. It looked like someone murdered a Smurf there." YN laughed at that.

"You want to take a seat whilst I go heat up the food?" He suggested, walking over to the dining area he pulled a chair for her.

"Yeah." She nodded. Placing her bag on the sofa she made her was to the dining area. "You can cook too?"

"No. No, no I can't." He chuckled sheepishly there, "Lizzie, my housekeeper and chef looks after this all."

"You have a personal chef?" YN couldn't believe what he said which shouldn't be surprising in the first place. He hummed to answer her. "Wow you're rich!"

"Well, I like to think that way." He shrugged.

"Some of us have to make our meals and sometimes that doesn't happen too. I'm so jealous of you!" YN groaned, "I want to be mega rich too someday."

"What do you mean that doesn't happen sometimes?" He stopped dead in his tracks and looked at her.

"What?" She looked at him nervously. She shouldn't have said that.

Her friends have been there for her recently. At least one of them is to make sure she's had all her meals. Even if that meant cooking for her (she's getting spoilt). YN haven't had to skip a meal because of anything since she found out she's pregnant. But before she could explain all of this, he snapped.

"I told you to move in with me!" He exclaimed, "at least you can have something to eat on time for fucks sake." His voice raised. YN was taken back because she's never heard him this loud.

"Harry, I can't just move in with you." She said, "I'd end up fucking homeless, I have no family here."

"So you think I'm going to kick you out after the baby is born as if I'm some kind of heartless monster?" He scoffed in disbelief, "you think that low of me, YN?"

"I, I never said that." She choked on her breathe trying not to cry, "I'm done. I can't cry in front of you again." She barged out to the living room and grabbed her her bag ready to leave. She lost her patience because he raised his voice again.

"Run away like you always do." He yelled from the other side of the room, "you're so scared of confrontations and talking, aren't you?"

"Learnt from you." She slipped on her shoes.

"YN you step one foot out." He warned her.

"Yeah? Watch me!"

"YN, stop!" He rushed to stop her from leaving, he grabbed onto her hand taking in a deep breath to calm himself down. "Hey, look I'm sorry. I, I shouldn't have raised my voice at you. Let's talk okay?"

"I am not scared of confrontations or talking, okay?" She laid it out clear in front of him, "you jump to conclusions without even listening to the person in front of you."

"Hey I'm really sorry." He whispered, "I wouldn't-- that won't happen again."

"No, stop." She whispered slipping her hand out of his. "Don't talk to me."

"I, I won't. Just please don't leave, okay?" He suggested, "we can just sit here and talk whenever you feel alright."

He heated up the food his chef made and left in the fridge. He usually eats the same thing for dinner so there was enough for the both of them. Eating in silence was really not something he enjoys but it's a better option than to leave things unsaid.

He noticed she barely ate anything, so he ordered something she eats usually. The handful of time they've had meals together and she gets the same thing.

"I don't want you to baby sit me, Harry. I'm not going to share a word!" She warned him. "This is so stupid. It's not like I'd die after skipping one meal. I made a freaking joke!"

"I'm not baby sitting you." He shrugged simply.

"You're making me eat forcefully, you're not letting me go back home alone. That's baby sitting."

"I'm looking out for you YN because I'm your friend, if that's what you call baby sitting then fine." He picked up his empty dishes and walked back into the kitchen, he frustratingly started cleaning the counter top, "I'd rather baby sit you than you passing out on an empty stomach. You know how bad being pregnant takes a toll on your whole body?" She sat there with her head down, still playing with her food and fork.

Of course he's going to look out for his baby.

"I've seen my friends and cousins go through this YN. Whilst I might have not everything but I know." He walked back to her. "I want you to be healthy as well. I want you to know that I don't back off my friendships. I shouldn't doubt you for looking after yourself, I apologise for that."

"Hmm." She sniffled. "And I'm crying again!"

"It's okay." He assured her, "it's alright."

"I, I, I need to tell my dad." She sobbed, "he can't know from anyone else."

"You can tell him." Harry wrapped his arms around her, "it's okay."

"I don't know. He's going to be so disappointed!" Her breath shuddered as she was crying so much.

"I'm sure he's not going to, YN." Harry rubbed her back gently, "you just need to explain it to him."

"You think so?"

"Mhmm." He nodded.

"I want to go home now, please."

"Yeah, I'm gonna take you home." He placed a kiss on her head before he was off to get his keys, "come on."

......................................................................

YN contemplated till it was too late for her to video call her dad. So she cried herself to sleep.

The next thing she heard was someone calling for her name softly, feeling a warm hand running up and down on her arm.

Wait... Is she dreaming?

Realising that made her wake up gasping.

"Hey, hey, you're okay." The familiar deep and raspy voice got her back to earth. It is Harry.

"Oh my god!" She sighed. "Please open the window. Please!"

"Yeah." He got up quickly and opened her windows to let the fresh air in and just as quickly got back to sit on the edge of her bed. "I didn't mean to scare you. Kayla let me in, wanted to come in and check on you."

"The baby is fine Harry." She sighed falling back in bed, pulling up her blanket to her chin as she tried to fall back asleep.

"YN, you still think I don't care about you?" He sounded so defeated, "you matter more, YN, okay? I've come in to check on you because you seemed so upset and anxious yesterday. Please, I need you to understand I'm not doing this just because I only care about my baby. You're my friend now!"

"Right." She nodded, "I want to sleep more still please, I'm very tired."

"Don't you have a convocation to go to?"

"It's today?" She asked, "oh my god, it's today!" And she realised it herself. "What the fuck, what the fuck!" She got out of bed in panic.

"Hey, be careful." He warned her.

"Get off my bed, I need to fix it!" She scolded him.

"Let me do it." He stopped her. "You go get ready. You've got barely three hours."

"No, it's fine let me—"

"I said go get ready, YN." He grabbed onto her arms to steady her, gently. "I'm going to be your escort for tonight."

"I don't an escort."

"Trust me you will, when Kayla and Julia are busy with their dates." With that he left her room.

"Harry, I don't need an escort!"

"I know." He called from the living room, "now chop-chop darling. You're going to be a Doctor of Philosophy today."

......................................................................

YN got ready as fast as she could. She couldn't waste much time.

Being pregnant is already getting to her head, she could barely imagine how she'd be when she's much further in. She was locked into her bathroom getting ready.

Her bedroom door doesn't lock up as the previous boy who lived there had it broken, some drunk college students were hooking up in his bedroom. Josh was super mad for that giy to even throw a party whilst the other three of the roommates were gone out of town.

Least to say, YN never got it fixed nor did their landlord. He's a dick!

Just as she was about slip on her dress, she glanced at herself in the mirror. She hates looking in mirror but she saw the little bump.

Well, she's practically naked, stood in her mismatched knickers and bra. Usually she's feel sexy, without even looking at the mirror. Mirrors are just self-districting weapons.

But she felt different there. Her body was growing another life inside of her. It was part hers. She shouldn't and she couldn't help but her resting her hand on her bulging belly.

Wait... She can't let this happen again. This time it's going to be worse, she'll have to give up the baby. They will live and she won't ever get to see them again.

Taking in a long breath she quickly put on her dress and fixed her already styled hair. She's not going to let this ruin her special day. She was out of her bathroom and room immediately gathering all her stuff like when you don't think you need a basket or a trolly at the store.

"You want me to help you?" Harry rushed to gather her jacket and her bag she uses everyday. "What have you got in here?"

"I am perfectly capable of taking my own stuff." She rolled her eyes and walked to kitchen to fix herself a sandwich real quick.

"We're going to get breakfast on the way love, don't worry about it. Now come on." Harry ushered her out.

......................................................................

Least to say, Harry was happy seeing YN all bubbly and happy today. She was giggling with her friends, and he didn't quite felt like an outsider. Especially with Julia and Kayla shooting daggers at him with their eyes.

"Hello, Dr. YN YLN, nice to finally meet you. I'm Harry Styles." Harry introduced himself formally.

"Likewise, Mr. Styles." YN shook his hand but ended up in fit of giggles and went in to hug him tightly. "Oh my god, I can't believe this!"

"I know." He wrapped his own arms around hers, "I'm so proud of you."

"Thank you!" She squealed, "thanks for saying that!"

"Of course, darling." He pulled away to look at her beaming at him. He knew she was about to tell him something but someone called for photos. But at the end she came to him asking him to take her pictures on his iPhone.

Later he found out YN and her friends were skipping on partying lile crazy tonight, they had to go and start working their butts off for Kayla and Josh's wedding. YN being the maid of honour and Julia being the only brides maid, they both had many responsibilities.

Now Harry wanted to talk to about some things. He also wanted to ask her if she's feeling any better about this situation she's in. He could clearly see how much her father matters to her. And most importantly she still seemed mad at him this morning.

The party was getting intense and if he was being honest he missed going out to parties. Corporate parties loose all their glory after a certain period. But he was also enjoying seeing YN so happy, seeing how her friends were taking care of her despite being a bit tipsy at this point.

Well, the girls were drunk their arse off when he first found YN at one of his clubs with her friends, they wouldn't let go of her. He craved that kind of friendship!

But the place was becoming more crowded, though he didn't wanted to take YN away from the fun he kept an eye on her side. He saw YN carefully making her way towards him to where he was sat by the bar.

"Hey." He beamed at her. A glass of red wine in his hand which looks like it's untouched. That was his trick so no one asks to buy him a drink or try to flirt.

"Hey, can you please take me back to my place?" She asked, "I would stay but I'm very tired and I want to sleep."

"Let's go then, yeah?" He kept his glass on the counter and stood up buttoning his blazer, lead her to the back door.

"How do you know this way?" YN was confused.

"I just know." He shrugged. "You want to get anything before we drive to yours?"

"No, I'm good." She nodded.

Harry turned off music in his car as he saw her falling asleep there.

He had a nice day with her. But he was still not able to get out the feeling he has been feeling from yesterday. She haven't said a word about it to him, maybe she forgot?

He reached her flat way too quickly for his liking. He parked his car on the side of the road, contemplating if he should wake her up. She looks so peaceful whilst sleeping.

"Hey, YN?" He called for her softly which was enough to wake her up luckily, "we're here at your place."

"Oh, I'm sorry I fell asleep." She shook her head to wake herself up properly, "thank you for driving me back."

"Of course, darling." He smiled, "do you want me to help you with that?" But he still got out quickly and got her graduation gown, cap and her bag for her from the back seat. "Come on, I'll walk you upstairs."

"Sure." She shrugged.

Honestly, she was too tired to even walk herself up the stairs alone with that much stuff in her hands. She could use the help he was offering.

......................................................................

"YN, can I have a minute with you before I go? Please?" Harry requested as he set down YN's stuff in her room.

"Mhmm." She nodded and sat down on her bed to take off her shoes. She had swelling in her feet even this early in the pregnancy.

"I want to talk about yesterday." He crouched on the floor in front of her to help her taking off her shoes, "I didn't mean to make you upset YN, I promise. I, I, I guess I've been so bad with protecting people my relationships in my life. I, I don't, I don't want anything to happen to the little one, or you. I can't believe I'm saying this, but you've become a good friend of mine. And I know food can be a bit of a sensitive subject for some, I'm sorry if I hurt you in anyway like that. I didn't mean to take the joke in a wrong way."

"Why would you say it like that?" She was confused. "I mean the relationships thing, or am I still not allowed to ask you questions?"

"Let's just say I'm too scared to let people in my life." He smiled sheepishly as he looked up at her through his lashes, "even though I manage to annoy you-- unintentionally!-- I'm sorry for that."

"It's just my hormones going all haywire. I'm very patient, I promise." She smiled at him, "and I get it now, so you don't have to apologise. In fact I am sorry, I overreacted yet again, and you have to put up with my shit."

"Yes, I have to apologise, but you don't." He said with a firm tone as he set her shoes aside. "Whilst I can't know what you're going through, the least I can do is try to understand. I just hope I'm good enough of the little one."

"You'll be an amazing dad to this kid, Harry, I'm sure of that." She assured him as if she can look into future and she sees him and this kid living the happiest life imaginable.

"I'm going to hang onto that." He nodded, he can have that hope with him.

He knows, he shouldn't be doubting himself now even though he's been ready for this for years. He isn't doubting about anything, but he's just nervous, that's all it is. He has everything he could, read every parenting book under the sun, talked his friends who are parents and even his own mother; who always told him that she can never be fully ready to be a parent. No matter how many books his reads or how many TedTalks videos he'd binged.

He's heard that some people don't feel that instant connection with their new born, he's afraid of all the what ifs? which comes along with it.

"Do you want to feel your baby, Harry?" She asked.

"You, you sure you'll, you'll be comfortable with it?" He was a little surprised to say the least.

"Yes, I am." She nodded.

Harry hesitantly placed his hand on her baby bump. He gasped, even though he couldn't feel the baby yet, he'd yearned for this moment for years. It hit him that the baby wasn't moving until he realised his thumb was rubbing circles on YN's stomach.

"Can, can you feel them move?" He panicked.

"Not yet, I read that babies start moving for about sixteen to eighteen weeks." She explained, "there's nothing to worry about."

"Okay." He sighed in relief, "I can't believe this." It was pretty evident he's happy that his eyes were tearing up quite a bit, tip of his nose turned a light shade of pink.

"Well it's happening." She tried not to laugh at his adorable reaction, "I'm so happy for you, Harry, and thank you for helping me."

"Don't have to mention that, darling," he gave her squinty eyed smile to keep his tears from escaping. "Thank you for letting me... you know, feel the baby bump."

"Your welcome." YN chuckled.

"Did that come out wrong?"

"No, you're very cute that's all." She shut her eyes for a moment as realisation set in.

"You think I'm cute?" He smirked cheekily.

"I meant to say annoying." She straightened her posture, failing to make the situation less awkward for herself.

"Hmmm, sure." Harry chuckled. Dimples denting deep in his cheeks as little crinkles become more prominent at the corners of his gorgeous eyes, his bunny teeth showing. He smiled truly from within in front of her. Maybe it was the first time. "You need me to get you anything before I leave?"

"Yeah, can you get me a bottle of water from kitchen, please?" She asked sheepishly.

"Sure." He stood up from his place on the floor.

He padded his way down to the kitchen and grabbed a reusable bottle of water for her from the fridge, it had her name on it, and many other reusable bottles with her and her friends' name on it. He closed the fridge door, just as he was about to leave he saw a picture of YN stuck on the door with a rose magnet. Along with three more pictures, but this one intrigued him more.

It was a picture taken with a disposable camera, a man who looked to be YN's dad. She looked to be about twelve to thirteen years old in her school uniform and her hair tied in two braids with red ribbons, a little six year old boy who looked exactly like her sat in her lap in his own school uniform, everyone smiling wide for the picture. Her dad was wearing the same jerkin she's got with her.

He wondered where her mum was.

He made his way back to her room after all, keeping his thoughts and questions to himself to not unintentionally make her upset with his curiosity. He placed the water bottle on the night stand.

"Oh my god!" He got scared when he felt something rubbing against his leg, it was a ginger cat. "You scared me." He scolded the cat as if she's going to give a fuck about what he says.

The feline jumped up on YN's bed and curled up into a ball, paws tucked under her chest as she fell fast asleep.

"You have a cat?" He asked once he saw YN come out of her bathroom in her PJs.

"Oh no she's not mine." YN smiled, "she's Noodle by the way, Kayla's fur baby. She likes to stay with me."

"I've never seen her." He was so fascinated by the cat.

"She's a senior cat, she's likes to stay in Kayla's room. Noodle is a smart cat, she knows when I'm getting ready I'll be heading out so she's in her mother's room." YN explained. "She probably came in here noticing that I'm here. I don't go anywhere much so we became good friends."

"I never knew I had a competition!" He chuckled.

"Unlike you, she doesn't piss me off. Especially when I'm all hormonal." She scoffed jokingly, rolling her eyes.2

"Did you just rolled your eyes at me?" He looked genuinely surprised and mildly offended.

And she did it again!

"Did you eat my chocolate cake or something, took you long enough to get a bottle of water?" She asked sitting down on her bed.

"There was a chocolate cake?" He acted as if he was going to go devour it in that moment.

"Don't you dare!" She warned him earning a few laughs.

"Your picture caught my eye. On the fridge." He shared.

"Mhmm." She nodded taking a sip from her water. He took a seat next to her when she said nothing else, being careful of the cat of course!

"Do you mind me asking what are you doing tomorrow?" He asked, hesitant and mildly scared.

"I have to teach a crowd of teenagers tomorrow, like everyday." She shrugged.

"No, I meant after." He corrected himself quickly, "I should have worded that right."

"After I'll be going out with Kayla for her wedding dress shopping, and after that... I have nothing to do, why?"

"Do you maybe want to come over to mine?" He tried to be subtle, "I, I, I'll have my god daughter over as her parents will be going out. She, uhhhh, she can be handful some times."

"You baby sit too?" She was intrigued, but she's also pulling his leg.

"I'm her god father so I have some responsibilities." He shrugged, "but I could use some help."

"Hmm, sure." She nodded.

"Okay, I'll ask Lizzie to make something for you too for dinner." He tried his best to hide his excitement there. "I think I should leave now."

"I'll walk you to the door." She offered.

"You don't have to, I'll see myself out."

"I have to feed the cat and lock the door. Those bastards aren't coming home tonight, I know that." YN explained as she followed him out, almost bumped into him when he stopped dead in his tracks.

"You'll be alone all night?" He turned around.

"I'll be fine."

"YN, I can't--" he sighed, "I don't want to leave you alone this time."

"I'll be fine. I promise." She assured him.

He didn't wanted to force her but he also didn't wanted to leave her alone. After what happened that night, he doesn't want to leave her alone. It is going to bug him all night now.

He bid his byes with her for the night, before he was headed back to his place.

It was nearly two in the morning and he couldn't sleep. Even after drinking two cups of sleep tea. He almost picked up his phone to call and check in on her but soon realised she must have falled asleep. He doesn't want to disturb her.

She'll call him if she needs anything. She did last time.

......................................................................

Tag list:

@vrittivsanghavi @buckymydarlingangel @sweetwritingfanficfriend @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @sleutherclaw @melllinaa @michellekstyles @sunshinemoonsposts @marialikescherries @japanchrry @onlyangelrain @supersanelyromantic @tenaciousperfectionunknown @haarrrys @originalsoulcollector @harrysgirl-1d @lomlhstyles @im-an-overthinker @moonys-star @blackbookwhore @tenaciousperfectionunknown @stilesissaved @allthelovehes @novalunosising @sunshinemoonsposts @harryssky1

Lemme know if you want to added to the tag list

[rockinlibrarian]

Post-Umbrella Academy S4 Reaction Part Four: On How to End a Story (obviously spoilery but under a cut)

Okay! I'm back and have a moment to write again! It's Field Trip Week in my real-life job which means I've been a LITTLE exhaused, and sunnymarbles has been having me dye their hair in sections each night which is taking some time as well (artists, you know). -actually I started typing this paragraph and got called to dye hair again because they're going out in public tomorrow so can't be having half-dyed hair. And I do still have work tomorrow (one last field trip!) so I ought to go to bed but DANGIT I'M SICK OF BEING INTERRUPTED FROM WRITING.

SO, when last I left you with my TUA S4 reactions, we discussed my favorite part of the season, so now it's time to discuss my least favorite part. As I said in my FIRST reaction post, I ENJOYED Season 4, right up until the very last moment.

The literal very last. Because until that moment, there was still time to turn it around.

Discussion about exactly why the ending didn't work for me, and me making shameless comparisons to Legion again, below the cut.

But see, the comparison is important this time, because both shows ended with the same cop-out twist: "Our characters have messed up SO BADLY that the only option is to completely erase the events of the show from existence!" The biggest difference, though, was that I finished Legion feeling peaceful, and thinking that if it wasn't a completely happy ending it was at least bittersweet. It was only later that I looked at the last episode and noticed the plot holes, the deus ex machina, the deliberate ignoring of earlier canon just to fit what they were trying to make happen-- it was actually a pretty messy ending.

But here's the thing-- the characters were ready. They'd all grown and learned lessons and forgiven trespasses and so forth. So I felt happy for them.

And the events of the show had been erased from existence, but time was happening over again, with the promise that THIS time things MIGHT go better. Not guaranteed. The fix-it I wrote for the end of Legion was merely putting the pieces in place to assure that.

But although the end of the Umbrella Academy was less messy plot-wise than Legion's ending, the CHARACTERS were still a mess, and that erased any feel-good feelings I could have had.

I suspect one reason I enjoyed all the rest of the season better than a lot of people was that my blorbo, Viktor, was the only one who hadn't backslid in his growth-- the only one doing relatively well, and, to be frank, the only one that really seemed to be doing anything useful to the plot in the course of the season. Everyone else was falling back on bad habits both tangibly and emotionally, getting into subplots that never reconnected to the main plot, and honestly most of them were back at the lowest points of their lives at the moment the Cleanse erased them. As I said in his essay, it would have worked if Viktor had made the ultimate sacrifice while saving everyone else, and that's because he would have been going out a hero. For everyone else it felt much more like simply giving up-- a hopeless suicide.

But again, I held out until the very end, the post-credits, hoping that they would at least, like on Legion, get a fresh start. Or if we could see them in the Afterlife working out their issues in a space that they couldn't destroy-- and it's not like this show DOESN'T canonically have an Afterlife where characters can hang out coming to peace with what their lives had been. The characters were not in the right place emotionally to end in a way that would leave the audience feeling good about it.

I feel kind of lucky that I'd already started noodling with a crossover where those characters really COULD work out their issues in...well, another universe, if not the Afterlife. Now it became all the more obvious-- the Hargreeves desperately need to end up at Summerland. They need therapy from people who specialize in people with superpowers. They need a peaceful place to chill together and reconnect into the family they kept threatening to be but somehow failed to be when the series ended. So I've got my little fix-it to work on.

But let that be a lesson for other creators. You can do an everybody-dies ending, you can reset the entire universe, but you've got to do it in a way that really involves all the characters and leaves us with a sense of hope. Otherwise, what was the point of the story you were telling? You have to end your story, not just let it fall apart. You have to convince the audience that this is inevitable.

Speaking of terrible endings, I shall now abruptly end this essay, because it's midnight and I have work tomorrow and I'm falling asleep at my computer. I will write more soon!

[watercolor-hearts]

So if you can answerr the ao3 wrapped: 5 6 15 and 29 please 😊

[Ao3 wrapped – Ask me about my stories/writing this year.]

Hi 😊 Of course I can. Thank you so much for asking. Long post ahead because... I love talking about writing/my stories. 😂❤

5. Has a work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

Yes, Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams: 14 subscriptions, 2875 hits, 131 kudos, 5 comments, 9 bookmarks.

When I posted my first Lestappen story (not this one) I was surprised how quickly the hits and kudos count climbed. And then I realized Lestappen was the top ship. (For me it's always Maxiel so that's why it was surprising.) And in case of this story the big amount of feedback was also surprising because it's about non-planned pregnancy, abortion and it's... not about easy topics. But it was nice to see people liked it so much. (It's my number one story if we view them by hits count.)

6. Favorite title you used

I don't have artsy titles, I usually just pick something from the story and make it the title so they're really basic but I still can't choose only one so here are all my faves:

Battle scar; Broken Hearts and Broken Dreams; In Sickness and In Health; Blood, sweat and tears; and Home.

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

For sure I'm gonna take In Sickness and In Health/Depressed Seb AU with me into next year because I still have a lot of story ideas for it. I'm planning to finish at least one this year but I'm sure I'll write for this au next year too. Having this little universe means a lot to me. ❤

And I think I'll also take my Charlos mpreg/premature birth/male lactation story into next year because even though I stopped talking about it, I still want to write it (uni was a bit too much and I had no time to write. But tomorrow (now today because it's now past midnight as I finish this post) is my last day so I hope I'll be able to write again soon.)

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

Now this is a difficult one because so far I've written 47 stories this year. (Big big thanks to Em and Nyx for sending me my first ever prompts and giving me a chance to start this amazing journey. ❤ And also big thanks to everyone who has ever sent me a prompt. It means a lot. ❤)

Now I'm gonna try and list as few of my fave lines as I can because I don't want to copy and paste all of my fave stories here but it's not always easy. 😂 (Mission (kind of) failed. Sorry.)

In Sickness and In Health

In sickness and in health, they say. Seb and Kimi knew it well.

•

“Just a little snack,” Seb said, heading to the kitchen. He knew he needed to eat but there were times when it wasn't that easy. But for Kimi, he tried. Kimi saved him, he’ll always try for him.

•

Seb was holding on to Kimi’s upper arm like he was scared Kimi would leave him alone. Not that Kimi wanted to do that. He would never leave Seb alone.

•

He knew his back would be dead if he slept there but, to be honest, the only thing he cared about was his lover on top of him, sleeping peacefully; a calm moment after all the storms of the last few weeks, even months. Therapy sessions, arguments, struggles with the food he was supposed to eat, and long nights filled with crying; it wasn’t easy. It’s never easy but now there’s always light at the end of the tunnel. 

Maybe I deserve all of this

“You know, when people see someone crying, they usually say something like ‘please don’t cry, it’s going to be alright’ because they… they don’t really know what to do when someone cries. Nobody really teaches you what to do.

•

“Can you… Can you take off your t-shirt?” George asked a few moments later.

“Already want me half naked, I see you, Georgie,” Alex teased, giving a quick kiss on George’s head before taking off his t-shirt.

“Just want to feel your skin,” George murmured, “And your heartbeat.”

•

“I wouldn't compare pain,” Alex said, “because it’s not something you can or should compare. It’s not about whose pain is worse. Everybody’s pain is valid and they deserve to get comforted if they want to.

•

We all have moments like this; when we’re vulnerable and just want someone to hold us.”

“And it’s one of the best things in the world when you have someone to hold you.”

I will kill you (but I will kill André first)

“Fuck,” Sam muttered under his breath, finally giving in and leaning back.

“Please wait with that,” André said, jokingly, making Jev laugh and Sam smile in disbelief. “I'm sure you could give a great lap dance to Jev but I don't want to see it. At least not this close.”

“I can't believe you, Lotterer,” Sam shook his head, laughing, “I fucking can't believe you.”

I'm breathing...

“Lewis, do I have to call a doctor?”

Lewis immediately shook his head. “No, it's okay, it's just… I just…” Lewis huffed as he tried to tilt his head back to open his airways more and let the air fill his lungs. He tried hard not to let panic fully take over his mind as the anxiety reached the top.

“Try to sit up,” advised Bono and tried to help Lewis by putting his hand on the driver's back, between his shoulder blades, to support him. “I know it's not easy now but try to breathe slowly,” the engineer advised as he caressed Lewis' back. “You can control your body. Trust yourself.”

The driver nodded, tilted his head back again, and closed his eyes to concentrate on his breathing. He felt like he couldn't get enough air into his lungs no matter how hard he tried or which breathing technique he used.

“You can do it, Lewis,” said Bono in his usual calm voice, “I know you can do it. Try to make these small breaths a little longer. If you manage to control your breathing, your heart will slow down too and then the strange feeling in your chest will go away.”

Home

“Your heartbeat sounds like home,” Seb said, breaking the silence a few moments later.

“Really?” Kimi asked, surprised. Seb has always been the cheesier one, but after everything that happened, this hit really close to home for Kimi. 

[meg2md]

Back to Life Is Really Hard (Residency Edition)

Things I've learned: I do like obstetrics. Mainly, I like that routine obstetric clinic visits are fast and easy, I like that I know how to do basic labor and triage tasks quickly and efficiently, and I like that I get to do cesarean deliveries. That being said, I think I can live without it. There's lots of confounding hours (like who's on my team, the better hours, etc), but gyne is where I'm much, much happier. And that's where I am now!! At the same time I'm trying to buckle up for MIGS applications which happen next year, and basically the advice given to me was to make peace with the numbers because it's possibly one of the most competitive fellowships across all specialties with a 50/50 chance. I'm motivated: I'm about to submit an IRB for my research project, I'm working on manuscript revisions for my med school paper, I'm involved with ACOG on a state level, I have another research project that might come to fruition, and I'm hoping to design a surgical skills curriculum for medical students. I've also started looking in-depth at away rotations for MIGS, and I'm making a spreadsheet of every program I want to apply to (so, probably 50-60 programs). But I also need to be realistic and have a Plan B, because it's a coin flip whether I match.

But to level with ya'll, despite this sliver of ambition I've regained, I'm SO depressed. Like, VERY FREAKING DEPRESSED. I'd say my mood is largely fine, but man, it is incredibly difficult to get out of bed, to be on time, want to be around my co-residents. I'm finally on weekly Prozac again, but my dose most likely needs increased. I'm also starting therapy (again) tomorrow. But it's just... hard. My life got pretty bad at the start of the year. My cat getting really sick, going into a lot of debt from vet bills and conference costs, my car getting vandalized. My oncology rotation was probably the worst I have ever performed in all of residency. I got some really, really tough feedback. It really knocked me on my ass. Things are slowly getting better, but again, I'm working against this baseline depression. The best I can describe it is just... heavy, or blurred. I lost my zest for life. It's like my life is muted.

I drew a tarot card yesterday to describe where I'm at in my life right now. I drew the 10 of Swords.

Yep. That's residency.

My tarot draws are always like this. I gravitate towards swords and cards like The Tower. It's not all bad, though. I like the concept of death, decay, and endings. I like that it creates fertile soil with which life can rise anew. Consider the artwork from the Light Seer's tarot:

We face the loss, the betrayal, the stress... whatever it is that is causing us so much pain. It will always be a part of us, but what rises up from the ashes is much brighter and stronger, "vulnerable, whole, and totally and powerfully alive."

I drew the Tower card before I drew the 10 of Swords. I like the chronology of it, too. It makes sense with the sequence of events in my life, first undergoing its major upheaval (my break-up with my fiance, moving to a new city alone, being dumped by the rebound I fell in love with, living independently for the first time in over a decade, all with the background of my chronic depression)... and then when the fire finally goes out and the dust settles... it's this empty, desiccated landscape, full of hurt and pain and loneliness. But despite all this, the sun still shines, the rain falls, and slowly life springs forth from the rot. I really resonate with cards like these, like Death, The Tower, The Fool, any card that represents endings and beginnings.

(Lol I lost my actual journal and my thoughts had to go somewhere so here we are.)

Anyway back to medicine (ugh), I'm again trying to focus on the ME outside of residency. The YA romantasy books, training for a Tough Mudder, resuming my interest in obscure non-fiction, tennis.

I'm also researching creatine??? IDK my brain is in a million places right now. My boxing class got cancelled so I biked for 40 minutes while watching 1000-lb sisters. Before I was obsessively looking up MIGS fellowship programs and I needed to get my mind OFF residency and medicine.

And since I find my mind drifting back to something that already occupies WAY TOO MUCH SPACE in my life, I'm gonna peace and work on Kingdom of Ash until I fall asleep

[fragileizy]

alright here's the dilemna i'm having bc it's a real one and i want to talk about it so that we're all on the same page and whatever. put away the red string. i have a headache (still feeling rather sick) and i'm getting brain fog so my mermay entry for tomorrow hasn't even been started yet (eep) but... we stay silly.

i'm having issues buying stuff for myself.

my birthday is in like three days and i haven't bought anything for myself at all. zilch. nada. yesterday was one of the roughest days in existence and i don't know why—- was it a combination of this sick? and feeling unheard by my parents? feeling unliked? i genuinely have no idea. yesterday was really rough and i remember just sitting on my bed like ._. staring off into space as the bad thoughts just kept circulating my head like a cloud. if i were a cartoon character, i would've had spiral eyes.

anyway, my parents and i went to go watch the little mermaid yesterday. i'm glad bc it got me out of my funk. i've got to say, it was really good. i think cinderella might still be the best live action they've done to date, but this one? genuinely solid. i wish mulan had been like this. they descecrated the magic out of mulan. anyway, highly recommend watching it. it's cute. it's very disney. colorful, good singing (she didn't sound autotuned, unlike belle did in beauty and the beast, who was rich in autotune) and the guy's hair was soft and i wish to touch. it's got a lot of magic in it, so that's why i'm saying it's super disney, and stuff. it gave me so much inspiration to write. cinderella still takes the cake for whimsical and magical, though! but whatever.

right okay so, back to feeling bad.

i haven't gotten the courage to buy myself anything because i'm stuck. my mom told me that i'm not getting anything for my birthday, so to not expect anything (anything big, at least, she'll probably buy a nice dinner), but i have my own money so i can buy it myself. the problem is, i'm so conscient that retail therapy isn't giving me any lick of excitement that i'm completely unmotivated to do so. at the same time, i'm aware that it's not every day you turn 25. i don't want to look back and go "man, i wish i had actually celebrated my 25th," which i know i'll do if i don't even get myself anything.

but there's nothing that i want. even if there is something i want, it doesn't feel real or genuine an it's not going to make me excited and thankful. it'd be a chore. what a privilege! to consider a birthday gift a chore! i guess that's just the depression.

i feel exhausted. and i feel like whatever i buy comes through the mail i won't be excited about in the slightest, which is so sad and so disappointing.

anyway. time to force myself to get something for my birthday.

[hegrowth-arc]

I think I've sorted through my followers / following list to the extent my anxiety will allow, as well as my block list. I've made it no secret that I have a lot of anxiety about blocking and breaking mutuals, so I've been doing my best to be mindful in my choices. Please know that, no matter what, it's not personal !

At this point, I do ask that if you are not interested in interacting you please hardblock me. I know it's not personal, and I won't judge you if you leave, but I will be happy if you stick around. If I am still following you then that means I want to interact and can foresee us interacting ! I will be making efforts going forward to better organize how I interact with folks and run my blogs, so hoping that helps.

Thank you to the folks who were supportive and kind last night when I had my, ahem, negative moment. My intent is never to make others feel bad, and I fully acknowledge my own responsibility, but I just... needed to vent. I apologize for projecting and being whiny. It's not an excuse, but I've been sick since we got home, and that on top of post-vacation depression and my regular emotional shit has just left me feeling absolutely rotten. I apologize. I have therapy tomorrow so maybe I just need a vent session and I'll feel better, who knows.

Still deciding on whether I want to do a full remake or a soft reboot. I barely did anything with this blog and I know that has to be annoying for some. Though, I'm currently working on meta things so maybe that will help me find some steady footing. I definitely think once I have meta and lore available interaction may be a bit easier. I know that's something I've been struggling with; I feel like I can't interact with folks because my blog still feels under construction and uncertain, and then plotting is already hard... it's a struggle, and I genuinely hate it, and I want to fix it. Here's to fixing it.

Anyway. That's my "status report" for right now. Thanks for checking in, ilu, please remember to hydrate, and remember you are an amazing bean who deserves good things. Catch me being slow on Discord, may end up taking a nap here shortly.

[icewindandboringhorror]

Daily Log 5

Trying out (probably just temporarily) making short daily-ish notes about things, in an attempt to see if it helps me be more reflective or productive lol.

Activities: Not much, I had to run errands most of the day and also felt incredibly tired, probably because the cats woke me up like 4 times last night begging for food and things. Overly warm and headachey a lot.

I planted a few new flowers, and pressed more flowers and clovers in my Large Sturdy Flower Pressing Book as well.

Actually worked on translating the text for the previously mentioned tapestry/painting thing. I think I've decided that it doesn't really matter very much, because nobody else even knows anything about this conlang except for me, so they won't know if it's wrong lol.. It is not entirely completed after all (complete enough to translate most simple sentences into consistently, but also there are a few spots here and there where I haven't fully worked out the way some part of speech actually functions or etc., or I wrote down one thing that later contradicts something else, so occasionally I reach a sentence that I'm not sure exactly which rule to follow to translate, and I need to do a larger comprehensive organization of the document to work out all the kinks and declare officially like 'THIS is the ONE way this is done' etc. etc.) - so because of that, I think I'll just kind of 'do my best' and if the rules now end up changing in the future as I further work on the language, then, that's fine, because nobody can read it anyway lol. Kind of like that song on my side music youtube that's sung in genuine Avirrekava lyrics but also I wrote them years ago and some of the sentences have now become outdated/invalid.

Washed and cleaned some kale so it will be dry for me to maybe make silly kale chips tomorrow.

Final proofreading + posting of the poll adventure thing.

eughh,, literally nothing else.. I hate running errands because it always makes me feel drained and sick after, plus I get nothing else done all day except for just going places. I know checking my p.o. box and picking up cat food and stuff is technically still a productive action, but it just feels like.. i should be getting all of my long term projects done instead lol.. what about the videos?? or worldbuilding?? what does grocery shopping have to do with elves??!?! >:V (aside from pretending to be a group of fantasy creatures evaluating produce having an imaginary conversation with yourself at the store ghghj,, but that is not productive either lol)

Notable sights: Found 13 four leaf clovers, and 2 five leaf clovers, though one of them is almost a 6 leaf (like one of the leaves is nearly split all the way into a sort of heart shape, just not entirely). Also two of the clovers are HUGE, probably the biggest 4 leaf clovers I've ever collected, like 2 inches across maybe. The sky was very pretty a lot with big fluffy white clouds. Not a 'sight' really, but I got to sit in air conditioning for a little while today and it was very nice. I love the cold crisp kind of stale air smell, like walking into a freezer or something (which I used to do when I was a kid, I would sneak into a walk-in freezer at a school cafeteria and just sit there for a while lol), it's comforting to me.

Goals moving forward: Consistent sleep schedule. Focus on social activities, finding new friends in the places I want to move, communicating with ones I have. Physical therapy exercises. Plant nasturtiums. Finish and upload videos, edit costume pictures & etc. Do the new costumes I've planned. MAKE SCULPTURES at some point, I miss them.

Notable foods: Had a bit of smoked gouda and green onions in my Mandated Completely Plain Flavorless Grits For Breakfast this morning, as a littol treat lol.. Tried a 'biscoff' ice cream bar, which is generally a flavor profile I like, but I think I would usually rather be eating a cookie than having ice cream. Also an Ensure nutritional drink, which I know most people consider gross but I genuinely like them.. maybe it's like a source of comfort when my stomach is too sick to eat, like 'oh well at least I can have this cold smooth textured chalky chocolate thing' lol.

Sort of like how I have positive conditioning to feel safe/comfortable in bathrooms (due to it usually being one of the only places you can safely retreat from a social situation or get out of crowds in public areas, etc.), even though rationally I have no particular reason to like bathrooms much, and most people dislike public bathrooms especially. Fellow public bathroom and ensure nutritional shake lovers unite! (3 of us in the entire world)

[icarus-suraki]

Invading your personal life with: 9, 50, 74

Invade my personal life! Or let me invade yours...

9. Do you have any cool talents? Well, despite being 40, I can put my feet behind my head. How's that?

No, for real: I've got some kind of EDS connective tissue thing. My brother has it to a greater degree (I'm envious) but we've both got the thing where your skin feels a bit odd and your scars look strange and you're just a little too flexible for your own good.

It's cool except that when I go for walks, sometimes my knees decide to be like "Hey, I have an idea. How about fuck this?" and start slipping (for lack of a better term) side to side and it hurts, so I always have to be ready to limp back home if that happens. My hips will do the same thing, but it seems less frequent than my knees.

But, yeah, I can cram all 5 feet, 10 lanky inches of myself into a standard-size moving box, which was a trick I did a few times during move-in at college. It's kind of fun to be able to wriggle into small spaces like that. It's come in handy a few times at work, interestingly enough.

50. How are you doing today? Not super-great, actually. Not to be TMI, but I've been feeling sick for the last couple of days. It's like my entire GI tract is swollen and sore, from my throat on down. I was bloated as hell Friday night and all day Saturday--even my head hurt, wtf? I'm better today but I'm still all sore. I'm not even hungry and I don't even want to eat but I can tell my blood sugar is getting low… I was supposed to have supper with my folks but that's not happening, which is frustrating…

I'm also feeling a bit anxious about my therapy appointment tomorrow because those are rough and I wish I could just be better already.

The weather is nice, though, if a bit chilly. But it's dry now, which is a relief after yesterday's humidity, and it's perfectly clear. And I'm working on some cosplay plans, though I'm feeling a bit uneasy about those because cosplay can be expensive as hell. But I want to. I don't want to say I need to but I kind of need to. It keeps me going. I can't sacrifice everything. So I'm pricing out fabric and working out how I want to do this. (The hat, a major element of the costume, is sitting nearby and motivating me immensely.)

74. When was the last time you travelled somewhere new? You're asking me this in a post-Covid world? This? Me? In a post-Covid world?

Okay technically in August 2022 I had to drive out to the city water department main offices for a job interview. I ended up getting hired but the fact that I had to leave for work at about 5am and drive for an hour made it tough. That and the fact that my job responsibilities got changed on me unexpectedly and I wasn't getting any training… Yeah, not a great match. I think that's the last time I travelled somewhere new. I'm genuinely trying to remember…

Unless this question is really asking about travelling travelling. Like internationally or something not-quite-locally, in which case that would be something like 2010? I think? Summer 2010 was when I went to Otakon, which was definitely a new place for me. (That was the year of dudes walking around yelling "Backscratcher? Mmbackscratcher!" from Family Guy, I think? It was also the summer of Pokemon HeartGold and SoulSilver and the related Pokewalker and there were literally Pokemon walkers wearing dozens of the things and offering to walk your Pokemon for a fee. And the staff at the H.Naoto booth said my ouji-style outfit looked great and got me to hang around for a handshake event with the designer(!!!!). And I met a ton of people I only knew online to that point, which was awesome. Yeah, that was a fun time--to think I almost didn't go.)

I don't travel much--can you tell? Maybe I'll have a different answer to this when I have spending money again. I mean, I fully intend to go to Japan before too much longer.

[troglobite]

lksjdflkdjf

she legitimately hurt my feelings when she said "that's unusual" and then condescendingly changed her explanation to be so over the top as to be more confusing.

but if i tell her that, she'll probably just get angry and defensive.

idk what's wrong w her.

but it's really fucking hurtful and frustrating that i know Something Is Wrong if i appear to somehow be pissing her off at every turn

even tonight watching tv, i'm just really tired bc i'm on my period (and also i cried for literally my entire therapy session today so i'm not doing great)

and i was fine pausing or rewinding or telling her what ppl were saying--bc there were no captions and it was taskmaster and she's notoriously bad w accents, and sometimes even i can't catch whatever it was they said.

but she didn't understand one task, so i tried to explain

she didn't indicate that she didn't understand

i was confused abt which part she wasn't understanding, bc she wasn't entirely wrong

then she said something abt it again, but it didn't clarify whether she understood or not, just a statement abt the task, so i paused to explain, and she got upset with me.

she cut me off.

and i'm just like.

i'm. trying.

idk what to do.

and i know she's pre-angry abt everything bc she told me to text her when i wake up tomorrow bc she "has a lot of chores to do"

which implies they'll be loud

which implies they'll be difficult

and she hurt her knee last night and felt sick tonight

but she

hasn't told me what the fuck the chores are

hasn't asked me to help with them

she automatically assumed i won't help

but when i offer or ask to help w things, she turns me down

and then when she's angry w me and i'm feeling particularly bad or can't do something, she lashes out at me.

this. isn't constant. it's just recurring.

and i'm. feeling. like, really fucking fragile rn.

so i'm just tired.

i'm just tired of always being a problem. of never being worth anything unless i can do something for other people. and even then sometimes i manage to step in it or be annoying or piss people off.

"it's about them, not you"

that's nice. even if/when it's true, it doesn't change the fact that i'm the one being hurt.

logically i know (bc i've had to learn on my own, i haven't actually been told this) that something is upsetting my mom or stressing her out, and that's why she's annoyed w me or snipping at me.

but that doesn't change the fact that she called her autistic kid unusual for needing something explained in a different way bc i was confused/it was unclear. and that she then deliberately made the instructions more unclear in a condescending fashion, to "prove" that i was being stupid. and then got mad at me when i kept pushing back and saying it's not unusual, all i needed was "face this direction" and i would understand, but "turn" is unclear.

like legitimately i'm doing so badly that i'm just thinking abt it again and i'm literally crying lol

idk what to do with any of that.

i feel like i can't do anything.

and i've felt like i was in trouble in therapy the last few weeks (i'm not, i asked her, bc she's someone i can just ask things like that) bc i'm. Stuck. and it feels like there's nothing or very little i can do, and what is available to me has a lot of really high barriers.

and i was doing my "shooting everything down" thing at her and i felt bad. and it was wild to hear her say "i understand why you are, bc those are high barriers and things are difficult"

and i'm still scared she's mad at me, even though she calmly told me she wasn't and just wants to help me not suffer as much, bc clearly i am. and then she asked me what i wanted, bc that's what she said she wanted for me.

even if she is actually frustrated or annoyed w me--bc legitimately, who wouldn't be? everyone i've ever met has become annoyed w me at some point, usually v quickly--she at least had enough professionalism and compassion to disguise it w legitimate things that were still probably mostly true.

as my mom has said my whole life, i just shoot things down and i never change or take any advice.

i'm just unusual and stubborn and selfish and annoying, of course.

meanwhile i don't think i've ever had a conversation w someone where i felt genuinely like myself.

and when i've almost tried, it's never ended well.

i'm just self-conscious bc like. she asks me a question in therapy and i just. ramble. i'm just. thinking out loud.

bc i just legitimately don't have any other space to do that thinking.

and when i'm doing it on here i'm already fucking spiraling. so idk how helpful it really is.

idk i'm just. feeling really fucking bad abt myself. and i don't have anything happening or coming up that's gonna help w that.

ashl/y g/vin's comedy special is on sunday. i hope it's as good as i think it'll be bc i really wanna laugh. (i censored her name so nobody searching for her on tumblr finds this fucking post)

i hate feeling useless bc being useful is all anybody ever likes abt me. and sometimes being funny.

like i know i'm on my period, my back/ribs still aren't better, my acid reflux tried to kill me two days ago, and my finch app is fucking broken and support hasn't gotten back to me and i haven't been able to use the app for three fucking days now--so i'm feeling More.

but i still just. feel this way.

and she hurt my feelings. she said something that hurt me. and she did it in such a casual way and nothing was really Wrong in that moment so it came out of nowhere and idk what to make of it and i'm tired of having to process this shit on my own while she doesn't process anything. i'm tired of having this resentment.

i'm tired of finding out how tight she is on money and knowing that that'll continue to be an excuse for us not seeing a counselor together.

i'm terrified that we won't move bc she doesn't want to

i'm upset bc she said last night something that meant she assumed i wouldn't help her w any aspects of the move

i'm upset bc i historically HATE moving and really struggle w it, so she might be right that my ability to help might be low

and i'm upset that she just. says things like that. to me. and then would get upset if i took offense or was also upset.

i'm upset bc she always insists she doesn't resent me or think these things abt me and then. she so clearly does. through her actions or things she says when she's mad.

i'm just fucking tired. i'm tired of not mattering. i'm tired of fighting to not get covid, to go to therapy, to try and keep myself busy, to try and rest and take it easy, and it all just being Bad or Useless. and that being my fault.

i'm tired of saying this shit on a post bc if i say it to someone, i'm throwing a huge load of this shit on them to deal with, taking up their time, and then they have to try and navigate a conversation w me, and there's a risk they say something that makes me feel worse or something.

i'm tired of just abt fucking everything.

and i'm really tired bc. i cannot leave this country. i can't escape. there is no hope for that. i have to fucking believe that being in the state i am will keep be relatively safe long enough to weather fascism, bc i can't immigrate. i can't be a refugee. and i can't work in any field legit enough to get me a visa. i can't go back to school. i can't do anything.

i'm literally stuck here no matter what.

and i just want to try and enjoy myself but every relationship feels like a minefield.

all of my anxieties and fears are just a burden on everyone around me.

i'm just a burden. and not one ppl enjoy or don't mind taking on.

and when i try to enjoy things, there's always someone within arms reach to make me feel bad abt the thing i enjoy, or not engage in the thing w me and like Aggressively Not Care abt it.

and sometimes ppl aren't just making me feel bad abt what i like bc they're mean, they're making me feel bad bc socially and politically it's Bad, even though it's just sort of. middle of the road. i get lumped in w ppl that they hate and get labeled annoying for liking the things i like.

there is, quite literally, nothing that i don't feel shame or embarrassment abt rn. or even just loneliness.

and if i try to enjoy these things w other ppl who DO enjoy them, i feel......less than. like i don't know enough. or i'm not good enough. or i have the wrong opinions. or i'm enthusiastic abt the wrong parts.

i'm just gonna fucking play animal crossing and try to metaphorically bash my face against a wall until i stop experiencing life as a real person.

asking me to try and find joy or things i can control is a one-way ticket to me spiraling out of fucking control.

[sincelastsession]

I have been unable to sleep and then I finally did pass out today I'm from lack of sleep and Woke up I was very anxious And nauseated and I don't know if the 2 are synonymous or if I'm sick I don't think I'm sick though unless I eat something bad. Anyway I feel awful right now like just mentally like not a harm to myself or others but just Pretty fucking mean brain time.

And I have been trying very hard to ignore that because it's very intrusive and I have absolutely no desire to go that direction that my brain is just slamming me with

So yeah I've just been an anxious mess with a stomach that's fucked up and I am crying like a baby and I don't even really know why like I was not in a bad mood I don't know if I just had a regular no trigger panic and anxiety attack but I did take my meds and I do feel calmer but I'm still weepy and I don't like this

So the neighbors that have been torturing me have let new neighbors know about me and my neighbor who went up to the front office and raised hell because they weren't listening to me and they needed someone else to go up there to prove it for some fucking dumb reason

I've gotten my security camera it won't be installed till the weekend unless I can find somebody to come out tomorrow evening

Since the people in apartment 60 are going to have the at least not renewed That means that I won't have to deal with them for a super long time or at least my neighbor won't

My parents have told me that I will be moving in September I don't know if I should believe them I am very exhausted from all these stupid events that don't even have to do with me but I was roped into and then unroped myself because hell no

Like I just I don't have the mental capacity and I don't feel good like I'm dealing with chronic pain and all sorts of other health issues right now and I don't fucking want to deal with someone who is not my child unless they reach out to me and ask for help because I cannot talk sense into my sister who is drunk or high most of the time and you and I both know that people in addiction have to choose to get better

And I am kind of sad for her but also very disgusted and pissed off at her for many reasons I'm not going to shame her for having any sort of addiction but I don't like that she has that issue right now and it worries me because her aunt her biological aunt died recently from alcoholism and a medical condition that caused her to die early from the drinking and Piper has not been tested for that genetic disorder or whatever So I am very concerned especially since she's 22 and parties a lot and I know when I was younger I did drink and then I got older and I was like You know this isn't my j how many more and I don't like hangovers anymore and I just quit because I don't really have that addiction Genetics thing that many people do struggle with and I'm sure that if I drank every day I could become addicted but I don't ever have like cravings for drugs or alcohol

Actually that's a lie sometimes I want a beer like I'll just crave the flavor of a beer even though usually I think they're pretty fucking gross but I assume that you understand what I mean by that

I'm not sure what to do and therapy tomorrow I am exhausted though and I wanted to work on things but I don't know if I am capable right now

I'm also really concerned because apartment 60 was sent a letter today about the fact that they won't be allowed to renew their lease

So I don't know if they're going to retaliate but they have told the new neighbors all about me because for some reason even though I've told the office that I can literally hear these people talking about me from every room in my apartment the people in apartment 60 have not been made aware that I can hear Everything they're saying so I'm a little worried about what's going to happen when I put my security camera up

I'm allowed to have it and it has cloud storage and capability of more than 1 person to have an account and look through the camera if need be and I was going to talk with a courtesy officer and see if it was capable of allowing him to access it for emergency reasons or to just check and see if it really is as bad as it is when I call for noise complaint before he walks out here and then tells me that nobody's being allowed because they see him and they usually scatter

And I'm not even anxious about any of this other than the fact that I am terrified apartment 60 is going to retaliate against me when it was my neighbor who raised hell and went to the front office finally because she was sick of it she knew I was dealing with it for a while but she's been dealing with her breast cancer and she just finally had enough.

So I found that out earlier today I was thinking that we were going to have to speak to mister Lewis who owns the property or did own the property or manages the entire patrician management properties something like that.

My parents have been really aggressive and cruel to me lately for really no reason because I've asked them like hey why are you mad at me did I do something wrong and they just get really pissed off and hang up on me or says that they have to go and hang up and I don't know what's going on

I know it's possible that it's not like personal but I really don't like that they're being cruel and I have calmly asked them you know can you stop being mean to me I didn't do anything to you why are You talkin' to me like that I don't deserve that and they will say something like really mean and nonsensical and just hang the phone up and I am left very confused and I did not blow their phones up with text messages today I did not have that compulsion today

And I did try to talk to my dad and he got mad about me repeating myself once or twice and he was like you need to fucking quit doing that and I'm like I can't really help it and he has a tantrum about it and I don't exist to please him or anybody else and this hurts my feelings so much because it's part of who I am currently and yes it is obnoxious but it's not something that I am Controlling that I am aware that I can just suddenly stop because when I do try to suddenly stop or I do get told to shut up Sometimes the compulsion gets worse and it's not something that like unconsciously doing I have been made aware of it many many times for the past couple of years and it's gotten worse and I don't know what's causing that

Willing to work on that but I need people to quit being so fucking critical of me because other people do understand when I say it's my OCD and I do apologize When that is happening. It is really frustrating having to apologize about something that I really don't have a good control over

I don't really get to pick or choose when it happens

So even though people hate it and everything it's like hey guys you don't have to live with this it's embarrassing already and I'm aware of it but it's actually pretty physically painful to quit and I don't know how to explain that it's something you would have to experience yourself and people just won't take my word for it and think that I'm just trying to make excuses to repeat myself and I'm like why would I do that

So yeah

And yeah I am worried about the people in apartment 60 I don't know when they're lease is up but they will have to move then but hopefully I will move before they do so I don't have to deal with it but I do worry for my neighbor but I also know she's grown and can take care of herself like she did the other day

I wish I could just go on a vacation for 2 weeks

Just like do my therapy session on video chat or something and go somewhere 42 weeks but I can't afford to do that right now so I'm trying to have vacation at home and vacation at home is just you know not the same

I've been using this little heart monitor which I guess you will see tomorrow and it is driving me insane right now I don't see a red rash but it it's like hell and I'm trying not to touch it because last time I had to wear one of these and they went to remove it it ripped some of my skin off and there was a horrible rash underneath the entire times so I'm hoping that this won't damage me as bad. It has to stay on till the 30 and it looks fucking gross right now because it has fuzzy particles stuck around the edges that I can't get off unless I use it alcohol be and then that might make the sticky come off completely so I just have to deal with it.

My appointment with my primary care yesterday she took a lot of pictures of me for medical reasons because I am growing a fucking mustache now and also like a beard as if somebody has given me hormone treatments to change genders which I do not like for myself because that's not how I identify

But it did give me a flashback to when I was a child having medical studies and pictures taken of me

And I did not tell her and I did not react but since then it's been flashing back to that and even though nobody hurt me I was a small child in a government study and my parents did not come back with me when they took me to the photography studio in the hospital

And I did not tell her and I did not react but since then it's been flashing back to that and even though nobody hurt me I was a small child in a government study and my parents did not come back with me when they took me to the photography studio in the hospital I remember the people being nice but I also had to strip down to my underwear and they took pictures of my body because of the rash I had from my autoimmune disorder I had at was really uncomfortable when I was a kid and I didn't know that I could just tell them I did not want to do it and I was also a really shy kid and I went non verbal a lot and my parents just thought I was being shy and I could never explain it to them

So it's kind of like a weird trauma to have it's pretty unique one. But also when I remember that trauma from early childhood where I was actually abused pops up andI guess it's because both of those things involved pictures

And I do wonder if the pictures have something to do with why I don't want people to take like normal pictures of me and I only take head shots and I don't know if those things are connected and I don't know if we should explore that at some point but I figured I'd just mention it here so you might take note if you feel it's important for my treatment

Since me and my partner had an argument he's been pretty quiet I mean he did apologize for his bullshit properly and I'm not mad at he's been scarce

So me being a person who doesn't look at relationships like everybody else and I don't know how to explain that I don't know what's going on I don't know if people just have reflection period after these sort of things or what

I did talk to him briefly about 20 minutes ago just asking him if he was okay and he told me he was okay and that the movie long legs sucked andSuggested that I do not go see it even though I love Nicholas cage

And I sent him a couple little sweet messages but he didn't reply and I'm tired and I'm not gonna message him again to get a reply

I don't think that our relationship is in trouble currently I just don't know what to do when he's being super quiet andI always have this very irrational anxiety unrelated to the anxiety I'm having today thatThat people are angry at me or just don't want to deal with me or something like that. And I know that he may not want to talk to me and that's fine he does not have to I'm not holding a gun to his head to talk to me

But it sucks when people apeople are going through whatever and they don't really reply to you and you just feel really fucking alone

I mean it's pretty obvious I have abandonment issues. It's pretty obvious that I have some codependency problems and I tried to keep it all in check and I tried to have time by myself but the thing is unby myself a lot and today I wanted to be by myself other than talking to him because I didn't think I would get stressed out by him or you know a few other choice people if they did happen to contact me but mostly today I wanted to be left alone because of all the chaos

And I find it really ridiculous that me wanting to be alone and then like feeling very lonely and it's just I don't know

Because I'm alone most of the time and if I'm not talking to people is that I'm not talking in general I'm just dead silent all day long and some days I have nice quiet alone days where I just can relax but it's been so long that I don't even remember how to try and relax and when I say relax I don't mean fully relaxed because I don't even think I'm capable of fully relaxing unless I'm under anesthesia

Like I feel like I could be given a fucking horse tranquilizer and I would still be awake

I mean before my Doctor diagnosed me with a heart condition that says that I cannot have Various sedatives and sleep medications Especially meds like trazodone. Because I remember taking that medicine and my brain and body would fight it for a while much longer than most people last and I would hallucinate black & white. And I think it's really weird because the only other times I have had any sort of visual hallucinations medication-related they are always in black & white and that is just weird and I haven't asked my neurologist about that but I'm not sure he would even have an answer.

I think it might just be one of those really weird things.

I wish I could take ambien because I had the best fucking sleep of my life when I took that I did have 2 ambient adventures but nothing that put me in horrible danger. Not purposeful just took my medicine and did not fall asleep like I was supposed to and decided to apparently make some art and then the other time was I went outside and thought I saw moondog creatures going through things in my mom's car and so my dad just found me in the side yard with my hands-on my hips staring at her car and I was in a good mood I remember it vaguely and then he just Brought me back inside and told me to go to bed and I was like okay and went to bed and I continued taking the medicine and it really did help me to sleep but when my heart condition popped upThe Doctor told me I could no longer take it and I'm mad about it.

I have had insomnia and I think it's genetic because I believe my dad's mother also had a lot of trouble sleeping and getting rest and such and I do share quite a few traits with her

My father also has some sleep issues and I'm not sure about my mom I think she just works too much and spins too much money which is why she works extra hours but I can't do anything about her shopping addiction

I am grateful that she bought the security camera for me even though I didn't ask her to

I'm not going to ask her to pay me back the money that she owes me because of that

You know I never really want any arguments or drama with people but when they poke at me so much it does rile me app and it's very hard for me to get back to being calm because other people seem to be able to easily just get Uber it and go back to how they were before and I don't know why I have trouble with that it seems like my emotions have to catch up to my logic and that takes a lot Longer than I would like but I haven't found any sort of way even with cognitive behavior therapy techniques to really make it shorten

So basically I just have to wait while I'm sitting there kind of beating myself up because it's just like logically I know what's going on but emotionally it's like a Big stupid battle

And yeah I do want to do the disassociative testing because sometimes I do wonder if I am split in some sort of way that doesn't have to do with a personality disorder I think maybe my PTSD is causing something to happen or just you know years of abuse and trauma have done something to my brain well it's sort of obvious that I already have something going on but I would like to explore what it is and how to deal with that or work on you know staying In touch with reality more than I already am

And it's funny because I had a friend of mine talked to me a couple of days ago and she was like if I had to deal with as much as you did I would be delusional as hell on purpose and I was just like that sounds great but In practice I don't think it would be practical to do or healthy

I'm also trying to figure out a way to be brave and learn to skirt the rules for SSI without getting into trouble so I can make money because I feel it in my bones that my dad is getting worse and my mom is also getting worse and I can't really do anything about my sister and it's sort of like I feel like It's crunch time like I only have so much time before the clock runs out

I feel like this a lot. I get in a panic because I feel like I'm going to run out of time and then I'm fucked

And then I asked my dad and mom like I had a fucking meltdown because they kept giving me so many different times and months and days that I would be moving and nobody could give me just a general answer that for sure I would be at least looking at placesBecause I'm tired of having my hopes gotten up and then dashed

So finally my dad told me again that September is the month and so I'm trying to get my brain which is also me which is a mind fog but I'm trying to get my brain to understand that I'm going to have to wait till then and hopefully it wasn't bullshit because I don't want to deal with getting my hopes up again

I need to move regardless of psychological issues because I have physical issues that are causing me problems right now and I probably should be using my Walker but I fucking hate using it and bringing it with me places and sometimes I break down and do and I don't know if I'll have it with me tomorrow or not

I mean I don't think that you mind or anything just thinking about it out loud.

There are some articles about how some people with AD HD just process out loud and it also has to do with autism and then O CD comes in to play and so I Know that we can't just stick that Problem to one diagnosis but it is like you're symptomatic of those diagnosis and I did tell my dad when he was bitching at me that I Don't Know if it's like neurological Damage or if it's something that can be fixed or helped much More than I'm already trying And my trying is pretty much failing every time I try and it sucks and I get very mad at myself but I don't Feel like anything is clicking in my brain when I tried to stop myself on certain things

Like I don't know how to describe the click in the brain thing

Like it just kind of feels like I'm trying to do it but the request for the action is not being met with an OK we're gonna stop no matter how hard I'm trying to stop so it feels like I guess like the brain sends a signal to itself and says hey we need to stop doing this thing and then my brain just says nope I don't think so and continues to do it and I don't know how to fix that shit

And if I do have some sort of neurological damage you know they have not found it on ACT scan or AMRI

But I know that there's another type of brain scan which my insurance probably does not cover that shows when certain regions of the brain light up and when they don't and it's not an MRI even though Mr i's do have some capability like that

And I can't think of the name of the type of imaging and it's the kind that they use to look at schizophrenia and study other mental disorders and there's clinics that do it but I can't for the life of me think of the name

I feel like if I just had better health care access I wouldn't have so many issues in general

Like a lot of things will give me relief to know when in Spring I should be seeing my genetic assistant again because she has a very long appointment Wait list

And honestly I did get some sleep but I just feel like something is just draining my energy completely and I've been feeling like that for about a month and it's probably stress I mean that's the most obvious answer but I have been feeling just physically not great and it is exhausting to deal with chronic pain and crazy family and then other medical issues And I wish I could just get a break from it but that's not how it works

The situational depression that I am feeling is kind of just wavering if that's a way to describe it

I mean it's there it's more just annoying than anything and I don't really feel like super nasty but it just feels like a heavy cloud hanging on me and I'm trying to ignore it because it's just obnoxious

Like I don't like having sad bitch disorder

I would rather I've an episode of Mania where I just clean my apartment and talkward faster and act really super happy but it's been like years since that has occurred

I understand that manic episodes are pretty nasty for most people who suffer from like bipolar and other conditions but the Mania that I get once in a Blue Moon is just like I actually feel happy and I can do a whole bunch of stuff and I clean like a crazy person and there's no executive dysfunction and I feel like I'm powerful and shit and then it's gone in like a week at most

And then I just kind of go back to neutral normal

And you know I have my low moments but I don't really have like the nasty depression all the time

Even if I did I don't think that there's a medication out there currently that I have not tried that did not give me some sort of issue and the main ones that they give people that generally work really well for most of the population actually make me feel worse and that is fucked up and not fair

Because I mean who wants to have more interesting thoughts and feel more suicidal type feelings when they're just trying to feel better you know that's what happened after taking prozac for so long and I do worry that because it took prozac for so long and it's probably you know it probably was never a normal depression it was probably the dysthymia I was diagnosed as having when I was 14-15.

And I thank them treating me for regular depression and not short-term and just making me take prozac for many years without a break probably fucked my brain app and then the brakes that I did have I was on another medication that did not work obviously and I really don't know what happened last time I was in a facility but when I figured out that it was the prozac causing the problems and I took myself off of it All of that shit went away and it was pretty fucking bad so what I'm experiencing right now is not Is anywhere near that feeling.

Right now I just feel like a weepy baby and that's about it and I'm sad but I can logic it and I am feeling my feelings so there's really not much else I can do other than just raw dog this crap

I haven't smoked much recently either I did the other day for my pain but it wasn't really helping the pain as much as I would have liked it too so the Doctor gave me a non steroidal anti-inflammatory injection that is leaving my system right now but she gave it to me because I was all swollen on my hip

And I see my rheumatologist on the 29th so hopefully they can tell me what's going on or get me into physical therapy where they can fix the problem because it might just be due to my hypermobility

Also I know I've probably mentioned this before but I am wondering how much do auto immune disorders cause inflammation in the body and caused psychological issues from the inflammation

Because over the years I have read that people with auto immune disorders often experience emotional changes and mood changes and depression and such because there's inflammation of the brain as well and the tissues or you know things like that

I'm not super well versed on that topic because it wasn't mega interesting to me because I didn't feel like my last Rheumatologist before my new one would really understand or be able to answer the question I don't think that they were trained very well

But I wonder if I'm having any sort of flare up inflammation if that could be causing the brain problems or part of the problem I don't know if there's any way to remedy that but just a thought as to why I'm might be having some extra issues

I really loved my partner but I really miss my ex and neither of them are probably good enough for me but I still love them both

Like I desperately miss my ex-boyfriend but since he got sober he isn't speaking to me or coming around if I see him in public he's a sweetheart but he's not really seeking me out to spend time with me even though he said that I was his best female friend you know and it hurts I mean today I sent him a message to just ask him how he was doing and he just ignored me And I don't know if I should continue to put any energy towards that at all but I don't want to lose him

I feel like I'm losing him and I don't want to lose him and I know we're not dating but I mean like even as a friend

And I haven't told him what's been going on in my life because people don't want to know apparently

You know I'm supposed to just be like oh living the dream and everybody's like yeah me too and then nobody talks about anything and I think that that's like something that's fundamentally fucked up about society is that people just lie to each other and people just talk and stupid little riddles all the time and for me I just don't understand why they just don't directly say what they want to say

I mean I get it I'm not like them but I also know lots of other people that aren't like them either that are pretty direct but I just don't understand why other people have such a problem and why it's such a social taboo to just directly say something to somebody and they get all upset even though there's nothing to be upset about and I don't know if that's just like the United States that has a big issue with that

I've read that in other countries it's not that big of a deal to just directly speak to people and I've thought about if I could afford to just expand the Netherlands because apparently they're very direct people and that sounds like my jam but I don't actually really want to move just to be understood and accepted

But I've also read other really interesting things while I'm like going on my little special interest deep dives that people in other countries also don't experience various diagnosis the same

For instance lake in our country people with schizophrenia tend to have more negative experiences and in some regions and countries they have more positive experiences and often those people are looked at as shawman's and things like that like prophetic almost in certain cultures and I find that to be pretty fascinating and I wonder about Lake cultures before they developed like mental illness treatment what did they do back in early civilization did they just kill people did they just lock them away I mean I know that those were practices

But like were there any positive practices that were done when people had issues where they just seen as people with gifts

Anyway I can't remember the rest of what I was going to mention here and I'm tired so I guess I'll just talk to you tomorrow I don't know if you'll read this before I see you.

I mean hopefully you get a second to do so.

I know that my other journal entries probably are concerning but I don't want anybody to worry too much because like I've told you it's just kind of like brain vomit but I figured you could glean something from me when I'm just journaling.

[sasoris]

I misunderstood how calling in sick works at my job (i work in elderly care) so I called in this morning when I was at the bus stop and was like "Im healthy again so im coming to work today ^_^" and my boss was like queen you shouldve called yesterday and let me know, I already have a substitute for u cuz i thought u were still sick which is like. OF COURSE....:) I actually started suspecting I had fucked up before I called so I was fucking sweating... and it was literally no big deal she was like ok well see u tomorrow if someone else is sick ill call u so u can come in!! like i have the most chill ass boss of all time she is VERY NICE but still. I feel like this is the most royal fuck up and that im cringe fail epic style and that she now finds me completely incapable....... can someone book me 10000 therapy sessions for this i know its no biggie but the way shit like this gnaws at me and makes me feel like I'll never be able to "handle a job" even though I deep inside know im really good at my job and the people I care for at work tell me alot how much they appreciate me.. Like it feels so unsustainable I feel like I'm literally set up to get a burnout after like maximum one year of working :--D pleaaaazzzz how does one get more confidence in working!!!!! also final thing but we have a really aggressive man who I've been to ONCE and it literally im not joking XD lowkey traumatized me(I talked to my mom who works at a union about this and she was like 'u have to report this to ur boss it literally couldve given u trauma' and I didnt dare tell her that yes probably .. :D) and I just?? CANT go to him again.. I got scheduled on him once more and I talked to my boss and was like please i literally cant handle it and she was so chill and was like "oh yes i get it I'll schedule him on someone else" but everyone else is just like "yeah him omg!! he yelled at me alot yesterday hes so rude lol" and I just dont get how they can brush it offfff and keep going to himmmm I feel so weak but I literally almost had a panic attack when I got scheduled on him again and thought I would have to go to him.... :---/ how does one build up work armor and feel strong and confident at work lord help meh

[nathank77]

6/3/24

9:30 p.m SIGNIFICANTLY Added to/Edited

Brief update I got to get into the shower. I got my testosterone today. Perscribed by a different dr... weird. Maybe she's on vacation or sick or something. Still haven't heard back about xanax but I'll talk to them in person on Wednesday the day I need it bc it aligns with my t-shot so I wont freak out yet.

I had therapy that was nice. And I did overall sleep well last night. I woke up at 9 a.m needing to pee after having a weird dream: I was in my current house trying to keep a man out, a man in a suit. I believe, not a jacket but a button up. I had the chain locked and I put the chair under the doorknob. I kept looking out the window through the blinds. He had shown up a few times. I remember even though the interior of my house was the same as it is now the outside was at my old house where there was a half way house that my uncle steve who has paraniod schizophrenia lived. I could see the house and the people on the rocking chairs outside. I do remember I kept thinking about my back door and how I wasn't sure if it was locked. I didn't check it, I just reassured myself it was locked.... the dream ended and I woke up.

I took a Benadryl 25mg at 9 a.m when I woke up. Peed. And passed back out... then I slept until 3:30 needed to pee really badly but i Closed my eyes and then it was 4:30... I had therapy at 5.

I hope I fall asleep at like 7:30 a.m... I'm worried I've been trying to wake up at 3:30 everyday for a reason. I did not think I'd fall back to sleep when I closed my eyes I really needed to pee.

I had a couple weird mental images with potential auditory hallucinations last night. One was my legs in my room I was like seeing myself from third person. And I clapped my hands on my thighs twice. I had clothes on.. but I heard the clap... idk if it was a mental image that aligned with American dad or not... then I had another mental image where I dropped something on the floor and I heard the bang.. I don't think it was American dad.... I was worried I wouldn't fall asleep.. but I did.

Hopefully bc I overslept I won't have issues falling asleep tonight/tomorrow.. I had another weird dream. Where I was being shot at by jets and AA guns.. and there was someone out to kill me for being trans but I was smoking weed with him and he kept saying I'm going to kill you soon. I'm still exploring the potential symbolism of both dreams.

I see the symbolism in the dream with Steve my uncle with paraniod schizophrenia. I think the guy was trying to take me away for being crazy... idk I felt threatened. That's all I know and I know that half way house with Steve was there for a reason.. he has Parkinson disease now from antipsychotics. And he is a zombie. It's really sad.

The other dream-I'm always under attack by my brain for being trans, and weed killed me? It killed my brain chemistry and now psychosis attacks my trans identity? Idk.. I think that's pretty clear symbolism with the AA guns and jets shooting at me.. and smoking weed with the guy who was going to kill me. There was def Symbolism to my ptsd with the gun fire...

I got to schedule my mri tomorrow. I realized I don't have paperwork... but they never called me back..

Beyond that: I realized I'm still having visual hallucinations... I looked at her followers list number today... and magically it went from let's say 59 to 60 right in front of my eyes... so that's awesome... I must add i haven't touched weed since that morning at 9 a.m where I was considering taking another half mg of xanax but I wanted to use my last resort before potentially raising my tolerance.

I want to smoke weed but I have not touched it. I legit hit it like 6 times and closed my eyes and fell asleep... and that was it. I may try it soon..I miss it and it's about to go bad in August. If I'm still having visuals... and they are the same as they were in October/November I'm probably safe. All I know is I'm still having them sober... so if I have some high what's the difference? It's a consideration I really miss it. And it may not put me to sleep like it used to but it helps. I smoked at 9 a.m i was sleeping within 15-30 minutes...

Also once I get out of the shower I guess I'm going to eat and wash my glasses and then brush my teeth after dinner...

Idk if I'll game or watch TV. My mom is already in her room.. hardcore nuketown starts tomorrow. I got my white mulberries in the mail but still haven't gotten my b12...it's delayed...

Also I emailed my Dr about the black stool. It hasn't happened since. I asked her if i should schedule an appt/if it was serious and also if I should take the supplement like every couple or few days or just discontinue it and I told her for now I plan to return it. I haven't heard from her yet.

I don't like the different perscriber for my testosterone... but he is the covering doctor.. so she may be sick or on vacation. I'll worry about xanax Wednesday I'm thankful I have a reason to go there. So I don't have to call.. I hope my b12 comes in soon.. I'm prob just going to return the Potassium and eat bananas....

Also these are 2xl and I mean they were a little loose before but they fit like briefs.... now look at me they are fucking boxers...

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

i don't know what the fuck just happened

i somehow managed to fuck up SO's birthday and feel awful. ive gotta make a big drive tomorrow night and have to fuck up my sleep schedule on purpose and with how emotionally exhausting this whole day was it's that much more difficult.

i legit started rambling, feeling very 'i'm a piece of shit, what do you want..let's make jokes about how fucked up i am while i detach emotionally when you have a breakdown' like roman fucking roy and then i even said 'i'm roman fucking roy, i don't know what you want from me'.

here's what i think happened: nutshell version because being vague is safer and i'm also tired.

SO has been depressed. i can't do shit about it. i have a bad habit when i'm overwhelmed with my own shit to be like 'let's try to just be super happy and pretend his breakdown isn't happening because i can't handle men crying on the floor because i'm used to men getting angry, yelling or worse...hitting me.' so i avoid. it's a symptom of complex PTSD apparently and also i think ptsd doesn't accurately describe what i have anymore because nothing is 'post'. this shit is happening right now and im constantly triggered because i figured out i'm still being abused and emotionally manipulated by my parents as an adult and i don't know wtf to do about it. i think im going to need therapy again. SO says he thinks he wants to go see one again too.

there's nothing wrong with our relationship. it's individually, we're both fucked up. it doesn't help i have this 'not really, but kind of' a side thing but it's not affecting things here. (im still a piece of shit because if anything its kind of an emotional affair...i dont know...feelings are fine...if i act on them then that's different...this is an old flame too and we're close, always have been...it's just an intense friendship bordering upon dangerous with flirtations but THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE)

'you never shut up' SO said to me out of anger. broke down after he said it even though i agreed even though it stung. i told him don't worry about it. it was true. i need to to not put all my shit on him. that's why i suggested therapy again.

i explained that i don't feel mad or upset by anything that happened tonight..just feel bad because yes he called me out on being emotionally detached and i have been lately because im a fucking mess. i also tend to run from everything so i even told him fuck it, we can move back because it's fine me being a mess but since he's the breadwinner, when he falls apart it's bad for both of us. i'm already on benefits because of epilepsy that's intractible. nothing I can do about that. but he needs to be ok.

he keeps looking at me like i'm nuts but dude, i've been running my whole life. i wanted to settle and stay here forever and i love this place more than any place i have ever lived but look i'm still sick here and i got issues popping up like god hates me.

i'm not even roman roy. i think because i detached instead of wearing it on my face or crying like kendall. maybe i'm a mix of both. i dunno. that show speaks to me on so many levels. i rewatched Hannibal too and i'm just like wtf. then i picked my favorite mommy issues movies to put on.

here's what i know happened: two people who love each other very much aren't doing well mentally but their relationship isn't what's making the other fucked up. it's everything else they have never dealt with making them individually fucked up and tonight it blew up. bad timing. neither of us could help each other. he got rightfully pissed. i am not upset he got pissed and the one thing he said out of anger was a very true fucking statement that put a big mirror in front of my face.

i realized too that i cannot handle a man having a breakdown. he asked why i always just walk away from him when hes like that? well because i don't know what to do with it and also what if it turns into something else and the man is going nuts on me or taking it out on me? i don't know. i'm very fucked up.

i hate victim mentality bullshit. i try not to put stuff on anyone. so i sweep it away like it's not fucking happening and i got called out on that. i don't know how to be there for him. i can't help it i have ingrained weird ideas. i try just not to be a cunt ok? and i don't know maybe i was one tonight? i don't even know. i apologized for getting loud when i did because i had my earplugs in so didn't realize how loud i was and i also hadn't eaten all day and it was making me hangry so my brain couldn't even process anything until after i ate.

a man shaking and crying on the floor because of me? (or what i perceived as being about me?) all i thought was get away from him because you're hurting him and nothing you do is going to make it better...and then it was like i felt like my mom. that's what she did. no comfort for the crying ones...just walk away until it's over. but i'm not his mommy. i'm his SO. he even said 'i don't want you to baby me or anything, just a little comfort would be nice.' he's right. but again, why are you crying in the first place? i'm selfish so i'm thinking 'wtf i'm a mess...now i have to wonder why you're a mess...wtf' and jfc no....i don't know what the fuck happened.

we need to both get some help with our issues somehow or we're not going to make it if repeats like this keep happening. i can't even call it a fight. it was more just a collective breakdown. he went to bed red eyed and mumbling. i'm up exhausted but numb af.

fucking a.

it's good i'll be gone for a day. give us both some time away just to think. well, he'll be able to anyway, ill be cramped in a car with 7 other people for 18 hours. not that i'm complaining. i've gotta do this to help out with bills and plus now i've got an obligation because my mother keeps putting shit on me and didn't even give me a chance to say no and if i don't make this trip a lot of people are out of money so im basically unable to back out even if wanted to. fuck it. i think i'll finally be able to chill next year. i'm going to make myself anyway. get through holidays. have a good time on our concert trip in january. hopefully by them my SO and i are in better places mentally too.

one hour at a time.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3374

i woke up today at like 10:26 feeling great! catalogued how i felt and immediately fell back asleep.

woke up around 11:something to a phone call, which was from my therapist, so i woke up for that. talked to her about the con plague i'm suffering from as well as a friend i need to set boundaries with. she helped me think about the situation and equipped me with knowledge i did not previously have so i can do a better job when i need to reinforce those boundaries i once set a while ago. but so far, im okay.

unfortunately, when i got up out of bed i did not feel as good as i thought i did. but i did shower today, which was beneficial. helps to be clean.

i gotta wash some laundry tomorrow. my comfy stuff is dirty.

anyway, i had soup for lunch and came back upstairs and napped for a while. i've been trying to tell my mom to stop doing things and to actually rest, because she's sick, but she hasn't been listening to me a lot and is doing stuff anyway. so i think today she finally caved. she was supposed to go to the dentist thursday. she called and told them, and they rescheduled for her. she napped today. she's the type of person to power through an illness and by doing so makes it last six times longer than it should. so i'm trying to get her to stay down for more than a day or two because getting better is not something you can simply will your body to do when you have an autoimmune deficiency. lady's got lupus for god's sake. just stop, ma. stop. go back to bed. sleep. she doesn't sleep well, either, so that sucks too.

the good news is that i see what she's doing even though nobody else does. and i know what she needs to be doing because i'm 31 years old and basically have her immune system, plus i've been around her for three decades. so like, mom. you gotta stop running yourself into the ground. you'll get sickER, and then you'll STAY sick. which is the last thing you want. she hates being sick but she gets sick and stays sick for a long time because of her habits.

but i'm pushy with her when she gets sick. "go back to bed. now." "call the dentist and reschedule. they're not gonna wanna see you if you're sick." "get someone else to take her. you're SICK." constantly reminding her that she is, in fact, sick is something that she needs because she says shit like "i'll be better tomorrow morning," or "i'll be better in two days."

yes manifesting is one thing and the power of will of a human is another thing, but healing from illnesses is something entirely different. dad gave you a blessing? okay, so are you gonna help yourself by going to the doctor, or are you gonna rely on sky daddy to fix it?

so that's what i've been dealing with on top of trying to feel better.

my sister is also sick. but mom got sick before i came home, so i didn't give con plague to her. i probably gave it to my sister, though, even though she avoided me. her symptoms sound like mine. but i have health insurance. it's too risky in this country to not have health insurance. i hate this place. i'm gonna fuckin file for medicaid for the two of them. they need insurance. if something happens to james, then what, huh?? goddamn.

i may be reckless and a dumbass, but i have the sense to have health insurance to help me take care of the consequences of my dumbassery.

sigh. didn't really mean for this to turn into a rant about health.

but seriously, guys. whoever is reading this, make sure you've got health insurance and that you take steps to help yourself. if you live in the US, it's FAR too dangerous to live without insurance. medicaid is low-cost or doesn't cost you a dime. you can get doctors appointments, dentistry, glasses, specialists, physical therapy, and mental health therapy, along with medications to help you if something ever does happen. local state governments have their own applications, but if you search on the page for the department of health and human services (DHHS), you should be able to find links and stuff to access it.

if you don't qualify for medicaid because you make too much, the healthcare marketplace will often give discounts so insurance is only $10 a month or something. it really depends. i have to fix my application tomorrow because my medicaid ended today. having both was a good cover just in case it got ended because of my new job, but now that it's just the one, i gotta change it and hopefully they'll change my monthly premium.

anyway.

get health insurance!!

for those who live in single-payer systems, what is your favorite part about it? besides the fact that you don't have to ridiculous bullshit of american insurance lmao

also yeah, i still feel shitty. not as shitty as before, but still not great. my head is still fuzzy and thinking is hard. which isn't fun. but i'll be taking mucinex sinus day stuff with me so i can take it and function at work when i go in on wednesday. i can't afford to not go in. womp womp.

anyway. i didn't get to talk to joel today, but that's mostly because i was completely out of it for like 80% of the day.

and my hair is weird so i need to get it fixed but i don't want to cut it because i want to grow it out again, but i hate leaving it this awkward length. bleh.

i could use a thousand-dollar trip to the mall or barnes and noble. or both. they're right across the street from each other anyway.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary7

i got bored and used mouthwash is how my day is going.

not, like, in a stupid way. i just literally washed my mouth with it. i also just did the last workouts of the day, 36 hip thrusts and 30 squats (on top of my earlier in the morning 30 squats + leg lifts and other stuff i do on my back (not euphemistic)) now i am relaxing by listening to usurp synapse, who i was listening to earlier and i felt like i uncovered some kind of fact in how they structure their songs and went on to make another obscenely short song, my second one of the day.

i did get to record today, i've nailed down a song i didn't think i'd ever even get to honestly, re-wrote the lyrics to it too. i also, like i mentioned earlier, made two obscenely short songs. one is an 8 second long song with a 12 second long intro which i think i'm going to use as an intro for the album i'm working on, the other song is 23 seconds. idk where i'll fit it in but it's so short that it can basically go anywhere, as long as i can make it fit in the album emotionally/pacing wise.

tomorrow idk what i'm gonna do, i think what i'll do is leave the song i basically nailed down today, come back to it in a couple days or so, so that way i can come back with a clear head/ without obsession, and instead tomorrow i'll do a new song, maybe the new short one w/o vocals, and another shorter one, with more lyrical content though, and if my voice is up to it / i get them both handled well, i might go try another screamy song. i need to figure out some songs that don't require that though, i might try one of the longer (longer is so relative here, the longest song that's for sure on the album is going to be like 3 minutes. so longer meaning 2 minutes-ish) songs out that's less screamy and more freaked out androgyne stuff.

otherwise, today i prepared dinner for 4 nights tonight, i made miso butter chicken tonight, tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even the day after, idk what i'm gonna do with this other filleted chicken breast i have, maybe pan fry it after putting it in flour, idk what to do for sauce, it's already seasoned. the other 2 nights, i'm marinading stir fry. when i cut the chicken up, i always call it mr. chicken. tonight he was still kind of not totally thawed so the butchering was so cold it hurt my hands but this brand of chicken is honestly much easier to handle than i thought it'd be. idk why the other one feels like, denser, or something. what are they doing with these chickens. freaky stuff.

my mom texted me today to let me know that she is officially on the autism spectrum and i told her about how since highschool i've wondered if i'm autistic. i used to care a lot more about diagnoses then, i think i wanted to be told that i had everything wrong with me and that i was totally sick because if i were, i guess it made me more desirable, in a way, at least i felt like that. like if i were hopeless someone would really have to kill me. now i don't want any diagnosis and i hate psychiatry mostly but when my mom or really most other people talk about it helping them i'm just happy that they feel better in their life anyway they can, cuz everything is so miserable anyways. sometimes it does seem to confer a kind of condescension, some people begin speaking on behalf of their experts, outsourcing a sector of thought to an expert who sort of speaks through them in suggestions, like, you should get that checked out, maybe you need x, and whatever else. but it's easy enough to ignore people telling you (you generally, not a specific you, not pointed back at myself) why therapy is incredible and you should try it.

i don't even always hate therapists. i know some people would say i'm weak for that but they're just people caught up in a fundamentally fucked way of seeing people and trying to make that positive or helpful. they're losing so severely it's hard to not be sad for them.

a fairly light day i guess, or productive w/ music.

i found my gf's bone necklace, it has coyote bones on a chain. it wasn't really lost but i felt like i could lose it, it was under some books, i figured i'd need to find it sooner rather than later because i imagine she'd want to wear it.

she also didn't finish dinner tonight which she usually doesn't, so it's leftovers for me tomorrow cuz she doesn't eat leftovers. but that makes me worry about what she'll eat, i dunno. i can do ramen i guess but she'd feel ill over that probably.

bluhhhh

i really want to re-mix the stupid stupid short song, i need it to be a little more legible.

oh all my soreness is gone and i'm still all sorry for myself because i feel like i am still falling short of completing everything.

tomorrow i need to find a bunch of photos of maggots, grubs, caterpillars, and maybe a chrysalis or two to agglomerate into something for cover art.

i think i need to figure out the kick drums but the song sounds better now.

uhhhhhhhhhh whatever. i think this enough for today.