#idk i was just beating myself up a little bit for lacking more motivation to write today | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

nneogram · 4 years

Text

think about it — part one. get laid!

pairing: jaehyun x reader (f)

genre: enemies to lovers!au, college!au, fluff

word count: 8.4k

warnings: language, mentions of sex but not really (oc keeps being told to get laid “emotionally” idk), jungwoo gets scolded about the importance of consent, jungwoo’s in a frat but not really but yes really, quick reminiscent phone call w/ bestie jungkook, oc has unhealthy studying habits but dw it gradually gets better from here

a/n: i’ll say it for all of us - FINALLY, an update on here. this is result of my own college shenanigans, stories from my friends, and far too many fantasies whilst in quarantine. jeni needs to lay off the k-dramas, sheesh. i’d also like to note that this is unedited! there may be a few grammar/spelling mistakes.

▸ playlist (to be linked later)

Your roommate claims that you need to, in the simplest terms, “Get laid.” You are vehemently against this proposal, despite her insistence and clarification.

“Emotionally. You need to get laid emotionally, Y/N,” Megan whines. That’s all she can do from where she is sitting, tucked safely away beneath the blankets on her bed. It’s cocoon-like, she’s explained to you before, “like being in the womb.” Safe. Secure. Warm. You think that if that was her cocoon, then Megan would emerge a butterfly. If you were in her place? You would emerge a moth.

“I don’t think any getting laid needs to be done, regardless of if it’s emotional or not.” You take another flashcard from your prepared deck. Strong Acids. HCl, HBr, HI… HClO4? A hiss leaves your lips when you flip the card over to see the answer. You were missing two more acids. You reluctantly place the card into the pile to review again, which sat next to a much smaller pile of correct cards. The goal for the morning was to move all the cards in the “wrong” pile to the “right” pile, but considering the size difference of the two stacks, that goal would not be achieved.

Megan’s sigh pulls you from your focus. “Dude. Do you see yourself right now? I don’t think I’ve seen you doing anything other than studying for the past two weeks. I’m going to ace this chem midterm and I’m not even in chem. I’m not even a STEM major.”

You frown. “Sorry. Was I being too loud? I can go-”

“No, don’t worry about me. This is about you. I’m concerned for you - you’ve been cooped up more these two weeks than you were in the entirety of fall quarter. Have you taken a break recently?”

“I slept for eight hours straight, I think that’s a good enough break?”

“No, like a real break. Away from studies and school and just doing something… I dunno, fun?”

You shake your head. The past few weeks had been nothing but relentless studying. In an effort to maintain your pristine GPA, you shoved aside what little downtime you allotted yourself in fall quarter to focus on school. It was the least you could do, considering that you were on track to apply to medical school at the end of your undergraduate career. You were only in your first year, so all of the other requirements for med school - clinic, shadowing, research, the works - were inapplicable for the time being. There wasn’t much to get you ahead other than your 4.0.

Megan knows this, but she also knows that you have little to no social life outside of the bare minimum. It’s an unspoken truth that the two of you being assigned as roommates was a blessing in disguise: your studious tendencies help motivate Megan to stay on task while Megan’s more laidback nature reminds you to take a breather sometimes.

This was one of those times.

“I’m telling you,” Megan crawls over to the edge of her bed to get closer, “You should relax a bit. Just a teeny, tiny bit. Have some fun, live out your first year of college! Make some art, go to the gym, I dunno, step out of your comfort zone. Get laid!”

“You say that last one as if talking from experience,” you tease.

What was the charge on sulfide again? Fuck, it was two minus. Another card goes into the “wrong” pile.

Megan scoffs. “Please. I’ve only ever had one boyfriend, and that was in middle school. The most we did was hold hands. Besides, we don’t need men… I just want one.” She mumbles this last part as an afterthought before returning her focus to you. “I think getting a boyfriend would be a great distraction for you.”

You gawk at your roommate, eyes flitting from her to your toppling stack of incorrectly answered cards and back to her. “Do you see this? I don’t need any distractions right now.”

“No, no, I - fuck. I got that all wrong, didn’t I.” Megan facepalms. “What I mean is maybe you should befriend some people, or find some kind of emotional outlet. As much as I pride myself on being your source of positivity, I’m not around all the time to tell you to take a break and relax. You tend to be hard on yourself, y’know?”

Your gaze once again travels to your flashcards, their amount of use prominent in the worn-down corners and smudged ink. “I guess…”

There’s a smile of satisfaction on Megan’s face. “Think about it,” she concludes, then crawls back to her cocoon of blankets to take a nap.

The gloom of the rainy weather hits most forcefully in January. With the merriment of the holiday season behind you, it seems there is nothing ahead but cold, and rain, and emptiness. Only so many mugs of hot chocolate could keep your heart warm, and it wasn’t even the good type of hot chocolate - it was the powdery stuff that you mixed in with your lukewarm water because the water kettle you brought with you to the dorm was buggy and never fully heated up a pot of water.

Yeah, you could buy yourself a cup of cocoa from the coffee shop on campus, but as the college kid stereotype proved, you were broke. So you settle for your half-assed attempt at a comfort drink, taking extra effort to stir the dregs that tend to settle at the bottom of your styrofoam cup.

“So you need to get laid?” Jungkook’s voice crackles over the phone.

You sigh. For getting into one of the most prestigious universities in the country, Jungkook lacked the ability to draw proper conclusions from given information. He clearly hadn’t paid attention to your five minute spiel on your deteriorating motivation for life and your roommate’s unusual suggestion. “No,” you begin slowly, because if you didn’t control yourself you were going to get annoyed quickly, “I do not need to get laid.”

It’s dusk, around that time of the evening where the world slows down as the sky is painted a myriad of pinks, purples, and oranges. Even in January the sunsets in your college town never failed to astonish you. However, it’s also the time of the day when loneliness hits you most, and for a fraction of a moment you get homesick and usually end up calling someone from home. In this case, you end up contacting a close friend - though you’re beginning to question Jungkook’s title as a close friend, considering he completely missed the point of your rant.

“Well it sure sounds like it,” Jungkook refutes. There’s a loud crunching noise on the other end of the call, and you have to bring the phone away from your ear as the crackling continues. You know for a fact that Jungkook has bitten into a chip, most likely the barbecue ones he always had on hand. The audacity to snack on junk food in the middle of a conversation about your existential crisis - you sometimes wonder how you and Jungkook became friends in high school.

Then again, you were on the other end slurping the remnants of your hot cocoa. Maybe there was something going for the two of you.

“Think about it.” You’re reminded of that afternoon when Megan said the exact same thing. “You’re unmotivated. Why? Because you’re lonely. How do we fix that? You need to get laid-”

“-Emotionally. Emotionally laid-”

“-Yeah yeah, same difference. They go hand in hand,” Jungkook brushes off. “The point still stands. When was the last time you were in a relationship?”

You hesitate to answer. “I’ve never been in a relationship,” you mumble.

“I couldn’t hear you. What?”

“I said I’ve never been in a relationship,” you repeat with a sigh.

There’s a beat of silence. “You’re kidding.”

You shake your head, momentarily forgetting this is a phone call and not an in-person conversation where Jungkook can see you. Students begin to flood the sidewalks outside of the dorms, likely the last wave of students returning for their later classes. A girl - Megan, you realize after squinting - waves at you from across the street. You wave back, gesturing to her that you’re on a call. She nods and goes on her way to the dorm.

You return your focus to the call. “No, not kidding.”

“I’m taking that lapse of silence as you actually having to think about it.” You roll your eyes, another gesture that Jungkook cannot see. “How? You’re telling me all four years of high school you never got with someone? Not even a fling? Not even that weird ‘talking’ phase kids do these days? What have you been doing all this time?”

Your mind immediately goes back to your high school graduation. “Valedictorian, weighted GPA of 4.8, Y/N Y/L/N, attending…” You remember the smile on your face as the principal handed you your diploma. You remember the smiles on your parents’ faces, the pride and joy in their eyes. That was when you knew it had all been worth it - no one but you, your parents, and your own pure ambition fueling your fire for the four years of high school.

Maybe the closest you got to any sort of romantic relationship was… with Jungkook.

You liked Jungkook before your brain could fully process it, denying it as platonic affection for the better half of three years as he took you under his wing your freshman year. It was comforting to have someone older than you help you navigate high school, but as much as you tried you could not view Jungkook as an older brother as he so claimed to be.

Of course, nothing was ever to happen. Jeon Jungkook was a boy entirely out of your league - star student, star athlete, poster child for all things good and right in the world - but most importantly, he was your closest friend. It was this label that helped set a boundary for your affections, and your crush became more of a pastime to delve into when you wanted a break from your studies. A fantasy that would never come true.

It wasn’t until he moved away for college your senior year that your crush subsided, hitting you like some sort of epiphany when he returned for his winter break. You had been beyond elated to reunite with your friend, but when you looked in his eyes it dawned on you that the weight of his words and actions no longer affected you as much as they did in the past.

That was your only stint with romance, and you were fine with it staying that way. Yeah, it was a fruitless endeavor, but look what you got out of it: a great friend! And only at the price of three years of unnecessary emotional turmoil and relentless unrequited pining. What a bargain.

“I’ve been busy with school, mainly.” It’s an insufficient summation of your high school experience, but it got the point across. Technically, it wasn’t a lie.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of you and all - and I respect your decision to be single! Human rights and all that - but maybe it’s time for you to get into a relationship.”

You snap your fingers loudly enough to startle a group of guys walking past. You hope the grimace on your face is enough of an apology. “Oh my God, thanks Jungkook! Now that you mention it, let me just hit up one of the many young eligible bachelors pining over me, because there are so many right now.”

The feigned enthusiasm in your voice does not entertain Jungkook as much as you would have liked it to. “I’m sure there are, Y/N. There were plenty in high school.”

“You’re kidding.”

“Nope.” The playful smile you sport falls from your lips as he proceeds to dive into a list of names.

“The one guy with the yellow hair… Yugyeom thought you were cute… Oh, Taehyung liked you too-”

“-Taehyung?” You gawk. “The Kim Taehyung. The guy two years older than you, editor of the yearbook and captain of the lacrosse team? The Kim Taehyung who was Prom King. Him?” It’s difficult to process a senior that you had regarded so highly had taken interest in you in your lowly freshman year.

“Yeah, I know, right? I told him he was out of your league-”

“-Hey!”

“-But I said that out of jealousy. Heck, even I liked you at some point, Y/N. You’re quite a catch, just super oblivious.”

The reminder of your phone call with Jungkook consists of your disbelieving laughs and Jungkook’s reassurances that yes, that many people liked you in high school.

“I’m sure there’s plenty of people interested in you. You just have to see it for yourself first.” Oddly prophetic for someone who claims he could survive solely off of energy drinks and barbecue chips, but considering he was studying at an Ivy League, he had to have some credibility. You end the phone call possibly more confused than you had been before the conversation. Swirling the contents of your cup absentmindedly, you realize you’ve drunk all of your hot cocoa. All that is left at the bottom of your cup are the clumps of cocoa powder that hadn’t been properly stirred. The dregs. Of course.

You relay your findings to Megan the next day over a lunch of poorly cooked rice and under seasoned chicken. “Food crafted by the gods to remind us of our inferiority,” as Megan liked to call it.

She claps her hands like a seal. “So I was right!” She cheers over a mouthful of food. “You need to get laid!”

You’re a bit too late to cover her mouth, her ambiguous words now out in the open for others nearby to hear and assume the wrong thing. Glancing around, you’re relieved to find that no one seemed to notice, save for one boy at a nearby table surrounded by some of his friends. He gives you a look but you refrain from making eye contact.

“I feel like you and I heard different stories just now.” You keep your voice down. “Meg, I just found out my high school crush - debatably, my first love - liked me at some point when I liked him. Do you know how big that is?”

“Do you know how big that isn’t?” Megan shoots back. “Because nothing came out of it. You never acted on your feelings. And something tells me that even if this John Cook-”

“-His name is Jungkook, but okay-”

“-Even if he had acted on his feelings, you would never believe it.” Ouch. She really went for your lack of self-esteem right there, and that shit hurted. Regardless, she’s right, and you both know it.

“You know when we say this, we’re not trying to force you into anything you don’t want to do,” Megan clarifies. “I’m not saying you should get dicked down by the first guy who gives you attention, but wouldn’t it be nice to let someone - someone who genuinely cares for you - to let them into that dark and twisty mind of yours? God knows what’s going on up there.” She gestures to your forehead with her spoon.

Brushing aside Megan’s crude wording near the beginning, you’re at a loss for words. Unsure of how to respond, you mumble, “But there’s no one like that in my life. Other than you, that is.”

“Because you never let anyone close enough to truly know you. Just…” she pops another spoonful of rice into her mouth, “Just think about it.”

D-1 until your midterm. Nomenclature and ionic charges are now extremely familiar to you, having taken the spot from Megan as Number One Friend. And yet, you still haven’t successfully completed your flashcards.

Strong Acids. You suck in a deep breath, swerving in between groups of people as you make your way to the cafe. Walking quickly with your head down as the sure fire way of getting to any destination as quickly as possible. Okay Y/N, you got this… HCl, HBr, HI, HClO4… HNO3? You flip the card over and hiss. You were missing one more response. You truly hated it here.

The cafe is bustling with students on their laptops and scribbling away in notebooks, all likely studying for their respective exams. The scent of freshly ground coffee beans pervades the entirety of the interior, drawing you further inward until you’re standing at the cashier.

“One tall vanilla latte, please.” You hand the girl behind the counter your money and stand aside to let the next person in line order. Once your order is called, you grab your drink - Ah, nothing like a fresh cup of capitalism to revitalize your motivation to study - and search for a place to sit. As if by the grace of God, someone leaves their seat at the barstools just as you turn around. Beautiful.

“Excuse me,” you tap the shoulder of one of the people next to the open seat. “Is this seat taken?” He shakes his head no, and you take that as your signal to sit.

You find yourself sandwiched between two young men, each immersed in their own studies. The one to your right, the one you had talked to briefly, appears to want no further interruptions, both earbuds in his ears. The one to your left never turned around to begin with, head down as he types away at his laptop. All you can make out are his broad shoulders in a brown leather jacket and a mop of strawberry blond hair. An interesting choice of hair color, but you weren’t one to judge. He’s nodding his head to some tune, and it’s only then you realize he has one earbud in. You wonder what kind of music a cute man like himself would listen to -

Get a hold of yourself, Y/N, you chastise yourself for showing sudden interest in a complete stranger. The day before your midterm at that - there was no space in your head for an unknown young man who was probably good looking, too - No! Focus. Flashcards. You fumble in your jacket pocket for your index cards.

Chemistry nomenclature, round fifty-six.

As you’re reviewing, you overhear the conversation proceeding next you with the cute guy and a girl. “Excuse me, is this seat taken?” The familiar words make you think of mere moments before when you were asking the same thing.

“It isn’t, but… you can’t sit there.”

Huh?

“I’m sorry?” The girl seems to mirror your confusion.

“You can’t sit here. I’m sorry.”

“But someone else can?”

Your flashcards go ignored as you choose to eavesdrop on the full conversation. The man stalls, looking at the girl up and down. “... Yeah, maybe.”

Trying your best to not draw attention to yourself, you turn your head in slow, languid movements to look around. Was anyone else seeing this? Hearing this? Were you the next unsuspecting victim on an episode of What Would You Do? You were half expecting a game show host to step out and introduce himself at any moment. Y/N, you’ve just been Punk’d!

Unfortunately (or fortunately, you couldn’t decide which scenario was better), no game show host steps out from behind a curtain, and it sinks in that this guy wasn’t joking. He was intent on not letting this girl sit next to him.

“Look,” the girl runs a hand through her hair, a habit of frustration, maybe. “I really need a place to sit and work on things, and this seat is open. That, and it’s a public space. So if you’ll excuse me-”

The young man easily lifts his backpack from his chair with one hand and places it in the open seat. “There. It’s taken now. Sorry.”

The girl’s eyes widen, and you can only imagine what your face looks like right now. You’re in just as much shock as she is.

You scoff, and this time you don’t care if he hears. And he does: the stranger finally turns around in his seat to reveal an extremely attractive face. Chiseled jawline, deep brooding eyes, dimples even when he was scowling. You freeze and your breath hitches in your throat. It’s a shame he had to go and open his mouth.

“Excuse me,” you cut in sweetly, making a point to only make eye contact with the girl. “You can sit here. I’m about to leave.”

The girl’s eyes go wide at the addition of a third party. “Oh, no, you don’t have to! Thank you so much though.”

You shove your flashcards into your backpack and stand up from the seat. “No no, I insist, it’s fine. Besides, I didn’t want to sit there anymore.” Only then do you shoot a glare at the young man. “I couldn’t focus.”

Judging by the way the girl eyes the strawberry blond next to you, you think she doesn’t want to sit there anymore, either. Nevertheless, a seat was a seat. She thanks you profusely and you head out the doors and down the path to return to the dorms.

Naturally your mind drifts back to the stranger. Who was he to have so much pride as to deny a seat to someone he didn’t know? A seat that wasn’t his, either? The thought that people like him exist irks you.

He was so good-looking, too, your subconscious proceeds to remind you.

But alas, a jerk was a jerk, and at the end of the day you had far more important things to worry about than an indecent stranger whom you doubt you would see again. More important things such as -

Your phone rings with an alarm notifying you of your next scheduled event: Final Review B4 Exam! You sigh. Looks like it was back to the books (and flashcards) for you for the rest of the night.

It doesn’t hit you until you crash land into your desk chair: in your anger-fueled exit from the cafe, you had completely forgotten your barely touched vanilla latte sitting at the barstool counter. At this point you’re ready to tear your hair out at the roots. You’re five dollars and one fresh cup of caffeinated capitalism short for the night’s study session. You really hated it here.

If Megan were here, she would whip you into shape real fast, shouting at you that you’re a “Bad Bitch!” or some other expletive motivation that would comfort you. Except Megan isn’t here, attending some kind of club meeting, leaving you alone in the dorm. Another sigh escapes your lips and you tilt your head back to stare at the ceiling.

Maybe, just maybe, you needed to follow through on this whole “getting emotionally laid” thing.

The midterm you had so diligently studied for was a success. Inorganic Chemistry A5 didn’t know what was coming when you rolled up with your beloved flashcards - all successfully completed, mind you - ready to fight. Needless to say you were able to enter the weekend with no qualms. You now had much needed time to recuperate and as Megan had said before, to “take a break” (among other things you were not going to address anytime soon).

Some students recovered from the trauma of frequent exams via partying, deciding it was better to be under the influence in order to get over their academic standing. Some would meet up with their friends, maybe gossip about the latest episode of the hottest reality TV show. In your case, you decide to binge watch as many k-dramas as humanly possible. While you preferably do so in the comfort of your bed, tonight Megan has taken authoritative control over the dorm room. Meaning, she had a psychology midterm the following Monday and needed to be able to focus on nothing but the role of the amygdala without the OST of whatever drama you were watching in the background. You know for a fact if you were in the room minding your own business Megan would ultimately get distracted and join you in your k-drama marathon. Thus you are thrown to the streets with nothing but the clothes on your back and your belongings stuffed into your backpack.

You take extra care to avoid the puddles forming on the sidewalks, the result of on and off rain throughout the day. There are noticeably less people outside, and you have a feeling that any building you choose to house yourself in will be quite the opposite, likely packed with students.

After milling about campus for a few minutes, you finally settle down in the Student Community Center - a fancy name for yet another building on campus where students could lounge about and study slash socialize. As predicted, there are significantly more people crowded in the lobby area of the two-story building. Your boots squeak against the tiled floor as you make your way down an inconspicuous hallway. Tile turns to carpeting when you step into an almost empty study room. Only a handful of people are present in the room, scattered across the tables and couches. No one ever bothered to check the rooms at the very ends of the hallways - only those more dedicated to being unbothered ever made it that far - and you were grateful for this as you settled down at one of the open couches.

Hotel Del Luna is the show of choice for the evening, and you cuddle up to the armrest of the couch as you press Play. You had watched this one before, having been forced to do so with Jungkook at its release. Curse him and his admiration for IU - some of the ghost scenes kept you up at night the weeks after watching. You much preferred the more lighthearted slice-of-life k-dramas, but following your phone call with Jungkook you were drawn to the darker show. Call it nostalgia, call it an attempt to relive the happy memories of the past, call it denial of reality, whatever.

You’re two hours into your binge watch when you notice an unfamiliar presence at your side. A boy, and a breathtaking one at that. When he had joined you, you’re not sure, but you catch him glancing at your laptop screen every so often. He doesn’t stick out too much, black hair hidden beneath a black baseball cap and similarly monotone attire with a black hoodie that was definitely way too big for him. Yet no amount of nondescript clothing could cover up his impeccable bone structure. This man had a jawline and a nose bridge that were to die for, and although you haven’t made eye contact with the stranger you’re already feeling self-conscious. There’s no way in hell you’re initiating any sort of interaction with him.

But there’s no need to worry, because the stranger does it for you.

You’re on episode three when there’s a gasp from beside you. “Lee Jun-Ki!” You crane your neck to see the stranger leaning over to watch your laptop screen. The work in front of him - whatever that mess of hieroglyphs and symbols was - is completely forgotten as he scoots closer.

It’s not until you lean a bit away from him that he realizes his actions. “Oh, sorry. I kinda needed a break from studying or else I was gonna lose it.” His ears turn a bright pink as he explains himself. “Is it okay if I watch with you?”

“Uh…” Now that your full attention is on him, you give the stranger a proper glance-over. He was indeed studying, some sort of language of shapes and numbers that was foreign to you sprawled across his notebook in a variety of colors. Other than the all black attire (which was reasonable for college - wasn’t everyone attending their own funeral during exams season?), he didn’t look too shady… “Sure.”

“Sweet.” He extends a hand to you, pulling back the ginormous sleeve that threatens to hang over his fingers. “My name’s Jungwoo.”

You tentatively take his hand. “Y/N.”

“Nice to meet you Y/N. Are you a first year?”

You nod your head, and Jungwoo smiles. “Cool. Me too.” He moves back to his side of the couch, but quickly scoots back to sit directly beside you after he has shoved all of his work into his backpack. He settles beside you on the couch, slouching down similarly to you. “Alright, let’s do this.”

You crack a smile at the boy’s unabashed boldness. He immerses himself in the episode alongside you, clear adoration in his eyes whenever IU makes an appearance on screen. “You like IU, I take it?”

Jungwoo shakes his head. “Not half as much as one of my friends. He idolizes her. I just... look at her very respectfully.”

“Me too, actually,” you confess. “My friend forced me to watch with him. I usually watch happier things. My favorite is Weightlifting Fairy.”

Jungwoo’s eyes go wide. “I love Weightlifting Fairy!” His theatrical gasp attracts the attention of the few students nearby. This newfound information seems to make something click in Jungwoo’s head, because he wiggles all the more closer to you. “You’re quickly becoming my best friend, Y/N.”

“I’m a friend?”

“Duh. This was established when you didn’t run away from me in fear when I was quite literally looking over your shoulder. And that’s happened before with other people. Twice.” He seems to feel the need to add in the last few details, much to your amusement. “Now shush. Lemme admire IU in peace.”

That interaction with Jungwoo is only the first of many, many more. While you’re the type to keep to yourself and not approach others, Jungwoo was the opposite. You’re only a bit surprised when he yells out your name from across the street a few days later, sprinting towards you with unbridled excitement on his face. The last time someone was that happy to see you was when your dog greeted you after returning home for the holidays.

“Good morning, Y/N! Where you headed? I have Material Sciences in an hour. I got time, so I’ll walk with you wherever you’re going!”

Much like your first encounter, you agree with some hesitance. Jungwoo seemed to not have a bad bone in his body, no ill intentions whatsoever. It was refreshing to be in the presence of someone who wasn’t already jaded by the world.

As promised, Jungwoo walks with you to your destination, the coffeeshop, even waiting with you in the insufferably long line. You find out that Jungwoo is the same age as you, a Mechanical Engineering major, and is a part of some sort of club that allowed him to connect with upperclassmen of different majors but with similar interests.

“It’s called Nu Kappa Tau, everyone there’s really nice! I’ll bring you with me to the next social event.”

“Nu Kappa Tau?” You test out the syllables on your tongue. “Greek? Are you in... a fraternity?”

Your tone of voice insinuates something bad, and the way Jungwoo reacts quickly tells you he has a similar stance on the Greek life in college. That similar stance being that frat boys were vermin. “No, no no no no. It’s Greek, yes, but we are definitely not a fraternity. It’s more like… a social, cultural, and academic club?”

“Jungwoo. That’s exactly what a fraternity would say to make it seem like it’s not a fraternity.”

“Okay, but in this case we’re actually not a fraternity, I promise.” He tugs on your shirt sleeve and looks at you with pleading eyes. “You should come with me to the next event. It’ll be fun, and I’ll prove to you it’s not a fraternity. Please?”

You remain silent, eyes turning to the coffeshop’s menu. Even when your gaze is somewhere else you can sense the way Jungwoo is staring you down with those puppy dog eyes of his. This was what, the second time you were talking to him, and already he wanted to go to a social event with you? “I don’t know. You’re nice and all, but I’m not the type to warm up to people easily. I’ll have to hang out with you more first. No offense.”

Most people cower at your denials, retreat to more comfortable territory where there’s no fear of rejection. Jungwoo, however, beams at you. “None taken, Miss Y/N. You know why?” He pauses for dramatic effect, quirking an eyebrow in mischief. “Because that wasn’t a no.”

A few people in line crane their necks to peer at the two of you as a resonant smack rings out in the coffeeshop.

“Ow - Y/N - Ow!” Jungwoo rubs at his upper arm. You know you didn’t hit him hard enough to elicit this sort of dramatic reaction, but it’s what he deserves.

“You can’t use that logic, Jungwoo,” you scold, bag poised in the air ready for another attack. “The only means of consent is a yes. Say it with me. The only means of consent is a-”

“-Yes, yes, okay! I got it, I’m sorry. I sincerely apologize.”

Fast forward two weeks later, and you know Jungwoo a bit too well for your liking. Following your rejection of his offer, Jungwoo goes ahead and makes it a point to see you for at least an hour a day, weekends included, in order for you to “warm up to him.” Some days, it’s lunch shared in the cafeteria between classes. Other days it’s hours upon hours of studying together in the back of the library, you and Jungwoo taking shifts napping while the other crams for their classes.

He forces - “heavily insists” - you to share your location with him on your phones, so it’s of no surprise to you when he starts showing up outside of your lecture halls after class. It’s when he’s walking you back from your last class of the day that you find that he lives a floor above you in the same building. Of course.

Dare you say it, it’s easy having Jungwoo in your life. He walks with you everywhere, always initiates conversation, and eats as many meals as possible with you - or as many as Megan allows.

“Hey Y/N,” your roommate greets you with a warm smile which quickly turns into a steely glare when he acknowledges the young man standing by your side. “Ahem. Jungwoo.”

If Jungwoo was a legitimate candidate for your mission of “getting laid,” Megan would be ecstatic. However, you explain to her that Jungwoo is nothing more than a friend, and suddenly Megan thinks he’s out to take her spot as Y/N’s Best Friend (insert trademark emoji here).

“Megan, always a pleasure,” Jungwoo croons. If he’s perturbed by your roommate’s aloof greeting, he doesn’t show it, a smile growing on his face. Jungwoo turns to you. “See you at nine?”

You nod. “See you at nine. Bye.”

“Bye.” Jungwoo waves then walks down the hallway to the stairs. You wait until he’s out of sight to turn back to Megan, who has one eyebrow raised.

“What’s going on at nine?” She questions.

A defeated grin makes its way onto your lips. As much as you had been dreading what was to come, you couldn’t deny the excitement building up within you at the thought of something… new, for once in your life. “I’m going to my first party.”

Jungwoo, as promised, picks you up from your dorm room later that evening. He texts you an ominous message of i’m outside ur dorm lol for you to find him in the driver’s seat of a car far too expensive for any broke college student to own.

Hesitantly, you hop into the passenger seat and gingerly close the door. You’re not sure who he borrowed this from - or maybe it was a rental? - but you wanted to make sure you took no part in any damage fees he’d pay later. “I thought first years couldn’t have cars on campus.”

“I know. I’m a rule breaker, Y/N. I can’t be stopped… And maybe I borrowed it from a friend.”

Jungwoo insists on manning the aux, which you oblige to as you don’t trust your music taste to be liked by others. Something about the artist name Sergio Rachmaninov didn’t always hit well with the young folk these days. The queue starts up as he pulls out of the parking lot, a bass-boosted R&B song filling the expanse of the lush interior.

“I’m going to warn you, this music queue is all over the place.” All over the place is correct, because after the R&B song finishes a ballad comes on, followed promptly by the song “Good Time” by Owl City. It’s a good song, a tolerable one, but after the second run, and third run, and even a fourth run you can’t help but wonder if the queue is glitching.

“Jungwoo.” He grunts in response. “Did you mean to put this song on loop?”

He shrugs. “What can I say? It helps me focus.”

You’re really questioning the sanity of the man behind the wheel.

Four and a half plays of “Good Time” (or fifteen minutes) later, you and Jungwoo arrive at your destination.

You audibly gulp. “Jungwoo. You are so in a frat.”

“No I’m not!” The man whines. “I swear!”

You and Jungwoo must not be looking at the same house, because the one you’re looking at is nothing less than a mansion: two stories, covering a wide expanse of vivid green lawn, with pillars on either side of the double-door front entry. Windows line the top and bottom floors, and hedges line the cobblestone walkway in the front. It looks like something out of a Southern period drama with the Victorian, colonial style architecture.

“You sure?” You can’t break your gaze away from the three enormous Greek letters placed above the entryway. “‘Cause no normal house emblazons the symbols of their group name across the front like that.”

As soon as you step foot in the door, you regret your decision to come. “Kim, I think I left something in the car-”

You’re rudely interrupted by Jungwoo swinging an arm over your shoulder a bit too harshly.

“Relax,” he reassures you. “My friends don’t bite. Only I do that.” You’re given no time to question that statement before he leads you further into the house.

If there’s one thing you can count on with Jungwoo, it’s his ability to socialize. It seems he knows everyone in the house, proven to you by the way he either nods his head or does a handshake with every individual present. He leads you to the kitchen where two guys are conversing, one looking like an overgrown man child and the other looking like… well, an actual child.

“Hey, look who finally decided to show up,” the much taller boy croons. “And he brought a friend.”

“Johnny, this is Y/N. Y/N, Johnny. He’s in his fourth year.” You shake hands with Johnny, who grins at you. He seems nice, other than the fact that he continues to stare at you through the duration of the handshake. Perplexed, you refuse to break his gaze.

Johnny is the first to look away, turning immediately to Jungwoo. “Oh, I like her. No one has yet to win my staring contest this year, other than you, Y/N. Congratulations.”

You force a laugh. “Thanks?”

Jungwoo steers you to the second boy, this one noticeably shorter - or was he still tall? Anyone standing next to Johnny seemed to be dwarfed in his presence - with dyed blond hair. He has a cap over his head and circle glasses, and you can’t help but think he looks awfully young to be at a frat-but-not-really house party.

“And this is Mark. He’s a fellow first year, but he’s our baby.” Jungwoo coos the last word, making Mark huff. Lowering his voice to a stage whisper, Jungwoo explains, “He was born in 1999, so we have a good year on him.”

You click your tongue. Ah, that explains why he looks so young. You deem Mark to be far more approachable than Johnny and shake the young boy’s hand eagerly.

“Where’s Peaches?” Jungwoo asks Johnny. The older boy shrugs.

“I dunno. Not my problem.”

“Oh, I don’t think Jaehyun’s coming,” Mark cuts in. “Texted me saying something came up. Something about a paper due. Wait. Didn’t you take his car?” He points to Jungwoo, who shrugs with a look of Whoops, sorry on his face.

Johnny groans. “Oh, shoot. That’s right. We have a paper due tomorrow morning.” As quickly as the realization hits him, the worry is gone. “Eh. It’ll be fine.”

The three boys converse a bit longer, exchanging pleasantries and whatnot, before you and Jungwoo make your departure. The most that comes out of your mouth are feeble courtesy laughs and the occasional sarcastic quip to keep Jungwoo’s chaotic energy at bay. You wait until Jungwoo’s led you away to voice your thoughts. “What kind of name is Peaches?” You repeat.

“Right. One of the upperclassmen got the nickname because he smelled like them his first day of recruitment. Apparently he lives near a peach tree orchard or something. Therefore, he’s Peach Boy.”

You make a mental note of the phrase recruitment your friend uses. One day, you’ll compile a long enough list of evidence proving Nu Kappa Tau was a frat, and the word recruitment was one of them. “So what’s your nickname then?”

“Me? I’m not technically initiated yet,” - did this man use the word initiated? Yet another piece of evidence for the fraternity agenda - “but if I had to choose…” Jungwoo pauses and drums his fingers against his chin. “I’m Cheese Boy.”

You pause, letting his name sink in. The laughter bubbles up within you, threatening to spill out in a snort. It instead comes out as a strong exhale through your nose.

“Whatever, Cheese Boy,” you tease. “How much longer until I can go home?”

The next time you see the boys of Nu Kappa Tau is when Jungwoo drags you to yet another one of their events but a few days later. “This one’s right up your alley,” he insists. He also bribes you with the promise of buying your lunch, and the kabob food truck was on campus today, meaning you were eating well this afternoon. Making an appearance at his frat was but a small price to pay for your beloved meal of choice.

Jungwoo’s right - this event is up your alley, because you recognize the route he takes across campus. “The library?”

He nods. “NKT Study Hall.”

As you enter the building Jungwoo pulls you down an unfamiliar corridor then up a flight of stairs. An unspoken farewell is bid to your usual study spot by the second floor window as you continue up, up, up, until finally stopping at the fifth floor where no more stairs remain. You didn’t realize the library went up that high, and you probably frequented the building more than all of the boys combined - not that you knew any of the Kappa Tau boys yet.

Though they do look extremely threatening now that you’re standing in front of them.

Jungwoo brings you to stand in front of him. “Men and Mark Lee-” (“Hey!” Mark complains,) “-I introduce to you my partner in crime, Y/N.”

You give a feeble smile to the young men surrounding the table. You recognize a few of them from the party, Johnny and Mark being the only ones you can put a name to. The two wave to you and you feel a little more welcomed. Aside from the duo, everyone else is unfamiliar, giving you emotionless head nods and scowls.

“Y/N, you know Johnny and Mark, over there’s Lucas, and that’s Sicheng.” You nod at the two of them, who seem nice enough. The latter actually gives you a soft smile, so you consider that a win in your book. “And over at that table is Doyoung, Ten… You know what? I’ll just introduce you to everyone later. Have a seat.”

You trust your friend to guide you to the safest open seat, directly across from another empty chair at one end of the long table. Immediately you pull out your biology notebook and pens, hunkering down and getting to work without further notice. If you couldn’t feel welcomed by the boys at the table, you could at least get some decent studying done. You felt far more familiar with the speciation concepts in front of you than the actual human beings next to you. You allow your head to burrow itself closer to your notebook, dwelling in this small comfort in an environment of unfamiliarities.

The moment of peace doesn’t last long.

“Peaches!” Johnny’s bellowing voice makes you jump in your seat, your beloved biology notes neglected.

“Hey. Sorry I’m late.” Huh. You’ve heard that voice before. You can’t place where you know it from, but it causes a sneer to form on your face. Glancing up from your notes you can’t help the strangled gasp that leaves your lips.

It’s him. You’d recognize that faded pink hair and smugly complacent upturn of lips anywhere. That, and he’s holding a coffee cup that violently catapults you back to the incident from a few weeks ago in the coffee shop. You left your perfectly good vanilla latte behind because he made you mad, that jerk.

“Oh, Jaehyun.” Jungwoo leads the man to the open seat across from you. Pointing to you, he says, “This is Peaches - I mean, Jaehyun. Jaehyun, this is-”

“-Y/N, right?” Jaehyun interrupts with a grin. You lower your eyes at the dimple that forms when he smiles. “I believe we’ve met before.”

Jungwoo looks from your displeased state to Jaehyun’s smug smirk. “Uh, okay. Cool. Well then. I’m gonna go ahead and grab lunch, I’ll be right back.” You watch as Jungwoo beckons Johnny and Mark to join him, the only three familiar faces present at the table now leaving.

Jaehyun leans back in his chair, arms moving to rest behind his head. “Looks like it’s just the two of us.”

You weigh your options. You could recognize that the two of you have indeed met before, and try to get past your differences. Or, you could refuse to acknowledge Jaehyun’s presence a mere few feet across from you at the table and try your best to study until Jungwoo returned with your food, at which point you would then flee the scene as fast as your non-athlete self could. Only one of these outcomes enticed you, and it wasn’t the one that involved talking.

“So, Y/N,” Jaehyun leans forward. The width of the table is enough to keep him at a safe distance from you, yet he’s still close enough to invade your personal space somehow. It’s suffocating, how whatever musky cologne he’s wearing wafts over to you - he smells nothing like peaches. “How’s your day been?”

“Fine.” You keep your eyes glued to your biology notes. Allopatric Speciation occurs when two populations of the same species become isolated from one another due to-

“Aw, just fine? That’s it?” His voice is low. With Jungwoo, Johnny, and Mark out getting food, you’ve been isolated at one end of the table with Jaehyun. Lucas and Sicheng are present as well, but both seem to be deeply immersed in their own studies. It’s just the two of you.

“Yep.” Allopatric Speciation occurs when two populations of the same species-

“C’mon, I’m sure someone like you has had at least one interesting thing happen today.”

Allopatric Speciation occurs when - Someone like you? What was that supposed to mean? You sigh, but refuse to look up from your notes. Allopatric Speciation-

“Are you a first year? I took that class last year. If you ever want notes or something-” Jaehyun jumps a little when you slam the notebook shut. Good. Serves him right.

“I don’t like you, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun tilts his head, a smirk tugging at the end of his lips. “You don’t even know me.”

“I know enough.”

He leans in by resting his forearms on the table, leveling his gaze with yours. “I don’t think you do.”

“You know what I think? I think you’re distracting me.”

Jungwoo comes back at the most opportune time, wielding a kabob skewer in each hand - one untouched and the other halfway eaten. “One chicken kabob for Y/N.”

Deeming the conversation with Jaehyun at its end, you stand up from your seat and grab your backpack from the table. Jaehyun fixes you with an intense gaze but remains silent. Whether he was sizing you up or not you didn’t care.

The tension is palpable at the table, and Jungwoo clears his throat. “Did I interrupt something?”

“No,” you respond quickly. Grabbing your food from Jungwoo, you give him an apologetic smile. “Something came up. I gotta go. Sorry, Kim. See you tomorrow?”

You despise this man. You don’t even know Jaehyun - he is nothing but a familiar stranger - but you despise him. Him and his ethereal appearance. Why were the terrible ones always the ones blessed with above average looks? Why’d he have to open his mouth?

“Wait.” You do not, in fact, wait, but instead continue marching forward. It’s not until the figure stands right in front of you do you stop. It’s Jaehyun. Holding your biology notebook in the air. “Don’t want to leave anything behind. Like last time, right?”

The last few words out of his mouth have your blood boiling and your fists clenching at your sides. That explained the foreign lightness of the bag on your shoulder.

“Oh, right, the vanilla latte.” You fake a cordial laugh. “You mean the time I was so desperate to get away from your insufferable presence that I left behind a perfectly good coffee? The time when you treated that girl as if she wasn’t a human being? That time you couldn’t be a decent enough human being that you were that disrespectful to someone you didn’t even know?”

Jaehyun stands before you with an astonished smile and a hand frozen in the air. You pluck the notebook out of his grasp and stride away before he has a chance to respond.

“I’ll see you around, Y/N,” Jaehyun calls.

“I’ll see you around my ass,” you mutter under your breath. You’re willing to go out of your way to avoid interactions with Jaehyun, no matter what it takes.

a/n 2: hope you enjoyed part one of this series! it’s been a while since i last posted a fic on here so i apologize for my rusty writing skills. part 2 is projected to be posted in one week from now, but that’s tentative. we’ll see where life takes me and if i have the capacity to post in a week from now. in the meantime: stay safe! 💕

#cznnet #jung jaehyun fic #jung jaehyun nct #jung jaehyun scenarios #jung jaehyun #jung jaehyun fluff #jaehyun fic #jaehyun nct #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun #nct fluff #nct fic #nct scenarios

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wondersbeyondcompare · 4 years

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More Majid Stuff

I post once in a blue moon b/c I work in random bursts and get tired easily, but here are some rambles about Majid that I’ve saved in my Notes app and probably haven’t mentioned before!

There are some rumors circulating around Majid regarding his wealth

More specifically: how he got his wealth

All these rumors range from him being a secret son of a noble family to taking shady underground jobs that paid ridiculously well

His name had been searched up more than once, but the only thing that pops up is a bakery business w/ a small branch located in the Land of Hot Sands... not too far from where Majid grew up...

Majid’s a quick learner; he just lacks the motivation lol

Tends to overthink too often, tho, coming up with detailed plans to get out of doing the most mundane stuff

Funny to watch but a pain in the ass to comprehend 😔

Although Majid tries to get out of doing most stuff, there are some things he can’t let slide

He can get picky over how some tasks are done; honestly??? this might be a good tactic on getting him to work (“Hey, Majid. Can you help set up the decorations for tonight’s party?” “No.” “Aaaa, okay, guess we’ll just have Mark do it-“ “Mark? You want to leave decorating to him? Do you want the lounge looking like a highlighter projectile vomited over the walls and ceiling? Give me those streamers. I’ll do it myself-“)

Definitely a quality over quantity kind of person; his room may be a mess of different things, but, rest assured, it’s only the best of the best of stuff that stay for long like lava lamps

I want to say that Majid is picky about a lot of things in general, but he does have his exceptions; for example: food, napping locations, job opportunities, ummm (･_･;) That’s most of what I can think of right now, dang

This pickiness is kiiind of 👉👈 referencing a trait that the Cave of Wonders has; like the whole “only a diamond in the rough shall enter here“ business that was going on idk I’m trying my best

As you can see, I went ham when it came to the “Who disturbs my slumber” line the tiger head had lol 😅(sorry that had become your defining trait, m’boi)

And the mass of riches he’s accumulated over the years was another obvious reference to the inside of the cave as well; can also act as a loose metaphor of what’s stopping him from getting the help he needs; as the treasures in the cave were put there w/ the intent of distracting a person from the ultimate goal of the magic lamp, so does his own treasures serve as a temporary distraction from moving forward in his life

But if that’s too much of a stretch, then plz slap the inner English teacher in me and then myself

Majid’s good at looking through people’s facades and judging a person’s true character, but it’s not like he does much w/ this info

Unless they try confronting him or something, he just avoids/shuts down people he gets bad vibes from

Doesn’t make tactless comments; figured out that dealing with pissed off people was more work than it’s worth

Boi tends to ask a lot of questions when speaking to other people; partly b/c of trust issues; partly b/c he might be lowkey judging you (can’t use his unique magic all the time after all :/)

He’s the type of person who acts like he knows everything, but he really doesn’t; just hates getting looked down upon in general; will bluff his way through situations by being as vague as possible

He leans towards how his mother used to speak; that is: beating around the bush

He won’t lie to you, but it might take some time until he’ll give you the whole truth; and when I say it’ll take some time, IT REALLY WILL TAKE SOME TIME B/C THIS BOY IS UNBELIEVABLY STUBBORN

Is casual to whoever he speaks to, no matter the age; if he gets extremely annoyed with someone, especially if they’re older than him, he’ll use this over exaggerated polite tone that makes it real obvious he’s fed up with them

Gets ticked off whenever anyone advises him to do anything, but he’ll still take that advice to heart

Majid’s probably tired all the time b/c of all the jewelry he’s carrying around smh

Majid sounds/looks like he’s angry all the time, but that’s just his resting face 😔; I mean, he’s always a little irritated, but it’s mostly b/c he’s stuck in that state of being forced awake from a deep afternoon nap (b/c... that’s usually what happens to him)

Plus, have you met his upperclassmen? Have you seen what was going on in Scarabia during Chapter 4?????? Have you met the headmaster of this school???????? (; ω ; )

He doesn’t like people touching stuff that’s his; same thing goes for people touching stuff in general that aren’t theirs; doesn’t like thieves (he’s stolen stuff when he was younger, but he justifies that he only did so to survive; and he’s not entirely wrong)

Ironic b/c his mom was a thief 🤭

He’s also a pretty obedient student save for the whole “trying to sleep in class w/o getting caught” thing that he’s still trying to accomplish; doesn’t like it when the professors get strict with him but will grit his teeth and bear with it

Prefers magic carpets to magic broomsticks; there’s just a lot more surface area when it comes to carpets plus he’s more familiar with the former

Spends a lot of his time in the Scarabia storage room b/c it reminds him of his bedroom back home; probably became buddies w/ Kalim’s magic carpet while he was there too

But if we’re talking about the type of people Majid could tolerate befriending uummm... maybe those with good hearts?? Idk, like those who are genuinely trying to be a good person no matter what kind of obstacles they run into (referencing how the cave of wonders only let a diamond in the rough enter)

They don’t have to be all nice or sweet, but as long as Majid can tell they have kind intentions, he won’t immediately leave them

Has a “haaah... these guys are hopeless... might as well keep an eye on them so they don’t screw up any more than they already have” attitude towards these people

Other type of person Majid would unintentionally befriend are those who are also annoyed of being told what to do by upperclassmen/authority figures; ☺️🙏 vent out your frustrations together wooo

Has some squabbles with Leona when it comes to napping locations

It’s actually pretty funny to watch b/c they both don’t want to give up their spot but also they don’t want to bother getting up

Leona wins most of the time, tho

Majid may have had a lot of energy when he was younger but now he’s a g e d

I rarely mention Majid’s lava illusion magic thing, but yeah that’s a thing; he probably won’t be able to use it to its full extent until his last year of high school and maybe a little bit later; it takes up a ton of energy; I keep on imagining him using it and joking that “aaaa the floor is lava lol”, but then I remember the psychological effects this ability has on the victim and 😬 yikes scratch that

Majid has a loud clear voice when he speaks; often startles whoever’s walking by when he naps in the shadows

As a result of spending most of his time w/o a stable support system and no one static to guide his beliefs, Majid doesn’t follow any particular religion; he does have coworkers back at the curio/appraisal/pawn shop who do, tho, and while he doesn’t entirely understand it, he respects them as much as he can

I’ve said before that Majid selfishly keeps all his wealth to himself for fear of losing his self worth, but there are some exceptions (such as to anyone he passes who’s begging in the streets, a coworker who’s struggling to make ends meet, etc.)

He’s fine with giving away some money, but not in huge amounts

And if he’s giving money to anyone, it’s done in a round about way; usually w/ a dismissive excuse

If this boi had a route, depending on how the MC acts around him, the majority of it will be spent breaking down those walls and befriending him; generally going like this: shovel all trust issues into incinerator one by one —>Get him to tolerate you —> Get him to trust you —> Befriend (?) Him —> Deal w/ his other deep seated issues —-> Romance (if we’re going for that otome game kinda thing i guess???))

I can just imagine Majid temporarily visiting the Land of Hot Sands w/ MC after befriending him and finding out the truth about his parents through his boss at the curio shop; MC encourages him to travel north to pay a visit at some facility b/c it’s rumored that at least his father is still alive

(No idea what happened to Lara; probably suffered worse consequences due to making several prison breaks; had decently powerful magical abilities, so that would probably explain the whole forced amnesia thing that happened after their disappearance)

Majid is torn b/w wanting to go alone b/c this is a personal matter (And he wants MC to be safe) and being scared of losing MC if something horrible happens to him on his journey north; he knows what it’s like to be suddenly abandoned, and he doesn’t want that for anybody, especially for someone he cares about

He doesn’t want to repeat his father’s mistakes, regardless if it was accidental or not

Majid decides to go on his own; probably had some touching parting w/ MC; maybe we’ll go full otome and have a hugging CG where he swears that he will be back for MC

And MC is just like “Aight;;; cool;;; good luck;;”; something sentimental like that

Couple of days passed; we’re worried about him

He returns with a worried look on his face before breaking into a relieved smile when he sees MC; power walks to hug them even tighter than before

Majid thanks them for all they’ve done; he then spends the rest of the day and well into the night describing all he’s experienced and his visit with his dad

They go back to NRC and Majid is less bratty than before, much to the surprise of Jamil and to the delight of Kalim; actually starts to make an effort to not push people away at every opportunity (b/c he originally felt like they all had their own hidden agenda and were just using him for their own gain, y’know)

Boi becomes even more clingy towards MC; by that, I don’t mean he’s overly attached to them (he’s afraid of making the same mistake he did in the past), but rather he shows it through light casual touches here and there (a brush of the fingers when exchanging papers, patting MC’s head when they do something well, gently tugging at their sleeve when he needs their attention) and constantly checking up on them to see how they’re doing

Awkward levels in Majid increase as he constantly wonders if he’s crossing a line when it comes to him showing any kind of affection; he doesn’t want to come off as creepy and make MC hate him

Might also resist being given love and affection at first; but once he gets used to it, he absolutely m e l t s

Cuddles are 👌; might give teary eyes if MC tries to leave early during a cuddling session, but he won’t pressure them to stay; a touch starved boi

Doesn’t think much of PDA, giving or receiving; full on making out and anything further is kind of a no-go, tho; hugging is nice and so are short and sweet kisses; will glare at anybody who says anything about it

If his s/o was clingier than he is, he might get a little embarrassed; same thing goes if his s/o was really cute

Definitely the type of boyfriend to buy random gifts for his s/o b/c these things reminded him of them

Younger Majid was in full on puppy mode all the time, or at least when he was around people he liked; also a huge people pleaser too, since he was afraid of them leaving him

He was probably reckless too in order to entertain his friends

Was really polite, especially when it came to adults; always calling them Mister and Miss(us)

He was also just loud

Future Majid (if he came to terms with most of his problems) would be more mellow than his teenage self; still anti-social but he’s less angry at the world now; would go on to own the curio shop after the previous owner passed on; reverted it into both a jewelry/appraisal shop in order to honor his father plus respect the previous owner’s memory as well

Sells and repairs jewelry and appraises supposedly rare items that come through his store; still does odd jobs for the people in the neighborhood but his prices aren’t as outrageously high as he made them when he was younger

He names the new store after his mother, at the request of his father (plus I only recently heard the song “House of Gold” by Twenty One Pilots and hnnnmmg it fits well with this golden boy)

Majid is interested in most things related to jewelry, probably subconsciously influenced by his father; this includes repairing bits of jewelry; he moves delicately when it comes to these kinds of tasks

He’s a night owl; it’s much quieter at night

Has bad posture from sleeping in different weird places

His body is prone to heating up easily; the fact that he lives in the Land of Hot Sands and was also sorted into Scarabia is just unfortunate luck

Sneaks off to cooler areas on campus in his free time to chill; one of his favorite spots is the Octavinelle lounge since it’s air conditioned and dark, and he can get away with taking a nap before going over his time limit and getting kicked out

The library is nice too (´∀｀)

Would like to go to Ignihyde too, but he’s put off by the feeling of being underground (gotta have that bit of irony like Jamil being afraid of bugs 👌)

He tolerates Kalim better than Jamil; probably b/c the latter scolds him for slacking off

Actually went to Kalim for tutoring advice once before realizing part of the way that his senior had no idea what he was doing; Jamil has earned his respect when it comes to academics

Kinda jealous of the duo’s stamina; Majid’s usually heaving for air after long marches or if he’s ever chosen as a backup dancer for one of Scarabia’s many parties; he’s the ( ・∇・) least athletic of my OCs...

No, he can’t dance, but he can feign the movements well enough to not get caught

#twisted wonderland oc #twst ocs #twisted wonderland ocs #twst oc #twst oc art #art #twisted wonderland oc art #writing #my art #my post #Majid #mun taro speaks #everytime i post about my ocs i see that one twitter post flash inside my mind #the one that goes like #me to my followers: hey im sorry i havent been posting about my ocs that much but #followers: ??? wait??? you have ocs???#I LOVE SLEEPING TOO MUCH IM SORRY #anyway yeah heres my boy #its mostly just character stuff b/c ive gone over most of his background in his profile and his parents post #will i do the same for the other kids i have?? maybe if i get the energy to...#im just biased for majid #if you managed to get through everything on here congrats #you have my love and undying loyalty from now on #also i didnt really know where i was going with all of this #if it seems like im jumping from one idea to another its b/c i was

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grlfriends · 4 years

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revolutionary girl utena review

ep 1-5

the plot is actually kinda different from what I thought ?? in my mind the plot was: utena was a girl in a princess school who each and every princess would be "conquered" (for a lack of better words rn) in a ceremonial duel by a prince who fancied them, maybe she didnt wanna wanna marry anyone or she liked Anthy already but anyway in my mind utena showed up in the ceremony with duel clothing and then, in a very brave tm like-scene, she would openly declare she refused to be conquered by anyone and tbh I'm not even sure how Anthy would come into the plot... but back into what actually happened in the episodes everything so far is very introductory and just showing what mechanics will be explored further down the line I think?? the op is really good too

also every boy so far reminds me so much of knights of the zodiac?? maybe it's just the design I guess...) and nanami can get these hands, jealousy is a disease and she's the sickest person on earth for all I know

dont ask me why bit I just feel like room of mirrors - gfriend has a very well fitting vibe for it but I'm not exactly sure why hm.... 🤔🤔

ep 6-12

ok so why does this school just have random animals around 😐 I could understand the horse but a bull and a kangaroo?? what ...

touga just says the most random dramatic things and then just casually says anyone who believes in friendship is a fool ?? the guy wouldnt last a day in the naruto universe tbh, he kinda irks me in some way but I'm not sure why so I'll live with this strange feeling for a while I guess

↳ okay so watching ep 10 made me especially kinda creeped out, I know I've watched only 10 eps so far but like can he fall downstairs and break a neck or something already ...

also haha what if I watched that bet on it fmv and gave myself a bunch of spoilers would that be funny or what 😍 this is why i cant have nice things yall.... hope my memory goes to shit when sleep so I dont remember about it this week while I finish it

I feel like the main thing on the episodes are parallels, one way or another I always feel like they're setting up parallels and giving me clues for a bigger picture and a deeper plot arc that is still to come and the bet on it fmv just made this impression stronger, also I wanna say it's done in a good way, one that is both mysterious (??) and "honey you've got a big storm coming" at the same time 🤔🤔 much to think about honestly

↳ just saw ep 11 and even though I already knew this was coming sooner or later it still felt like crap seeing utena lose to dick head, at the end of the episode when he says anthy was always just reflecting utena's own wishes for himemiya (in another way bc I dont remenber the exact words) it felt like 😐 bc yes I knew that (the way she was working her thoughts was simply a copy and paste of what utena was saying) at all time I kept those essays about anthy in my head, I dont think theyll be truly relatable to what I'm seeing rn but yeah anthy rights (even though I know you betray/cheat on utena down the line bc of the bet on it fmv but I'm sure you had your own motivation)

↳ saw ep 12 bc I just couldnt handle being in a cliffhanger and yeah it happened what I absolutely thought it would lmao not that it was that difficult to foresee but yeah, I kinda liked how utena did it for her instead of being like "oh I wanna save anthy from touga" and treating her like a damsel in distress (I know that's kinda her position as the rose bride for what I've been told so far and that this is a subject spoken about in many many essays on tumblr but yeah) bc so far she's been treated as a trophy and a way to get something else, for the green haired guy it was a way to see something eternal, for miki it was a way to hold on into his "shining thing" and for touga it seems (so far) like a way to manipulate (just like he does with nanami) and just mark his position as above everyone else as he seems to view himself?? man I might be saying random stuff rn but it kinda does makes sense in my mind with the information I've had to this point

ep 13-25

honestly 😐😐 through 9 whole episodes I felt like they were trying to make the side characters deeper and show their hidden face and motivations but it felt so shallow...... not even actually shallow, just not deep enough that it would make me care about these characters and the fact there was no actual build to showing us why we're getting to know these characters backgrounds was just kinda meh too, didnt really help that all episodes had all the same formula and the same timing just for the developers made in those episodes be forgotten at the end and also just that pink haired guy could be like "ah failure again", it felt like watching the same episode over and over again, it was really tiring and like?? girl help I do not care about these characters at all, I feel like it could have been done well (like the keiko ep in comparison to the furuba chapter that deals with the yuki appreciation (??) club president graduating.... the way this ep was done and setup didn't really bring me any emotions) overall not to my taste and tbh I feel like I could have skipped all those episodes except for maybe the miki and juri one so 😑

all nanami focused episodes are the worst so far, she's so boring and I cant stand now annoying she is, the diary episode?? the cow episode?? the episode when tsuwabiki fuels with utena?? honestly I know they're trying to show me a better and different side of her but it just doesnt!! work!! bc i feel no sympathy for her, my biggest wish rn is her and touga just disappearing and no more filler episodes🗣🗣

I thought akio was utena's prince?? but apparently he's just anthy's brother and like.. I'm do done with his little talks with utena and yadda yadda, I just wanna see their duel is that too much to ask I'm dying over here (if this lenga lenga continues until ep 25 i will be so mad bc why were so many episodes wasted on such boring and and not necessary side characters backstories?? idc about them at all man aaaaaaaaaa)

↳ ep 25 was good finally we got what we deserve boys 😭😭😭😭😭 can utena just beat up akio already I'm tired of his ass, he exhales both "I'm a feminist I even take women studies classes #herstory" and "if she breathes she's a thot" energy also he has 0 style that mullet is simply horrible I bet there's a hairstylist community who considers him a criminal bc like 😐 it is simply so bad (q bit less when it's tied up but when it's all lose jesus Christ)

also touga thinks he's suuuuch a genius, sooo smart like king, I do not care about you at all can you shut the fuck up please and can we tall about the pink haired guy episode?? wack. honestly thought it would be more emotional or something, I binge watched 12 episodes with his ugly haircut face and did not even feel a thing he can choke I guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ANTHY TAKING A SWORD OUT OF UTENA'S CHEST??? OSCAR WORTHY KINGS❗❗❗and then her lame ass brother being like "oh ho ho idk idk" shut up no one cares no one cares I swear to you no one cares shut uuuuup

ep 25-39

first of all, ep 25 was good but kinda reminded me of the nine episodes (13 until 21) where absolutely nothing interesting happened so I hope I'm wrong also can I just say just seeing the preview of the next episode made me roll my eyes so bad I almsot saw my brain?? bc yeah I'm fucking tired of nanami fosuced episodes she's so annoying oh my god nobody cares about a goddamn egg and much less one coming from her let her die or something pls she's so annoying there's nothing I've learned about her that was not against my own will I'm basically rotting over here 🤒

↳ ep 30 has me thinking Akio has a foot fetish or something 😐 bruh leave utena aloooooone I already know your plans and schemes you're not fooling anyone that's embarrassing for u and also... utena you're not very bright are you.... you start seeing every duelist you face with the same exact car and then when you see akio has the same car you didnt even stop to think about it that 1+1 equals 2 ... girl help yourself 😐

↳ yet again another nanami focused ep 😐😐😐😐😐 even though I do understand her better now I still don't find her particularly enjoyable to watch, call me a woman hater but like. idk she's still a bit annoying to me (but touga is straight up evil and is manipulating her so I feel bad for feeling like that tho.....)

↳ ok last 2 eps to go but listen. I thought the akio duel would have happened much sooner, maybe on ep 33 max but well didn't this age well lmao ngl, it did seem a bit too slow paced for my personal taste but also I feel like there's a certain level of drama that comes with slowing the pace down....

↳ aaaaaa yall I'm kinda 😢😭 over the ending omg........... even though it took the best of me to keep going in some parts I still enjoyed the ending aaaaa I thought i wouldnt really like it bc I just usually dont enjoy this type of ending but stil 😢😢😢😢 wait for me utena 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 girl I cried and then anthy walking in the end god utena and anthy holding hands 😭😭😭😭 akio can suck my dick

there's obviously many things I've missed or that I kinda didnt really pay attendance to so please dont take this serious, I was just writing as I watched the episodes so it's more like a thought compilation than anything, still I can see why there's many essays written about it and why it is held as a masterpiece by so many people

#g.txt

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toast-the-unknowing · 4 years

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hey Toast! i love all your fics and your writing a lot - it always strikes the perfect balance between humorous and insightful and sweet and it's never boring. i've been having trouble finishing anything i write lately - especially when it comes to linking one scene to another in a way that's compelling and keeps to that narrative/not disjointed. idk whether that's just a lack of motivation or what but i was wondering whether you have any tips in that regard or re: pacing?

I don't think lack of motivation is usually a writer's problem, or at least, I think when that is a writer's problem they are probably aware of it. Is the script in your head "I don't want to write this" or "I want to write this but can't"? Because if you don't want to write a story, the solution is pretty obvious; I think it's much more common that the motivation is there but something is countering it.

Often for me it's fear. That people won't like the story, that I won't be able to make the story be what I want it to be, that maybe it says something about me if people don't like it or if I can't make it be what I wanted it to be. That fear is much more likely to strike near the end of a story than near the beginning, so it is specifically a “trouble finishing stories” issue.

Sometimes it's a problem with clarity. I can lose sight of a story as I get into it. Particularly near the end of the story, because I've written all the bits that are easy already, so now I'm drilling down into the hard parts, or the parts where I don't really have a good idea of what's supposed to go there, and in addition to being hard work it means I've zoomed way in on this one part of the story, which isn't even the part that made me want to write the story in the first place. Writing might become a huge drag because some part of me knows that the story has gotten muddled up along the way, that there's something missing or something that needs to change, and it's tugging on my sleeve trying to make me turn around and notice it. Or maybe there isn't anything wrong in the story, but I've gotten so caught up in these little details that I'm thinking of the story as this one problem area instead of the story that I wanted to write in the first place.

But whether it's fear or my internal editor or tunnel vision, the motivation of "I want to write this" is usually enough to overcome that. (Not always, and my ratio of stories I start to stories I finish is abysmal, but these days the ones that get abandoned are usually ones where I go "I don't actually want to write this, or not enough to put in the work it requires.") I just need to REMEMBER that I want to write it. What were the things about the story that made me excited about it, before I ever wrote a word? What are some of the things that I wrote along the line that I didn't expect that were wonderful surprises? What's something that I would be sad to realize I could never show someone, if I never finished the story? That can really help me find my motivation. It can also help me spot story problems if I have them -- reminding myself of the concept, the theme, the shape, the emotional beats I wanted to hit, that can help me spot things in my story that aren't serving it.

Also, just, sometimes I'm not feeling a particular story at a particular time. Sometimes my brain is in "generate idea" mode and not "finish and polish a story" mode. I have about two dozen works in progress so if I think that's what’s happening I just bounce over to a different one. I acknowledge this system wouldn't work for everyone but it does work for me and could work for someone else.

As for linking scenes and pacing, this is going to sound very flippant but I do not mean it that way, but sometimes the secret is just to end the scene and start the next one. You will mess up your pacing so much more by trying to force a link, or by writing past the end of the scene, than you will by just cutting from one thing to the next.

Scene changes make us think about our plot (”okay, just finished thing G, time for thing H”), but it helps to look at the tone, as well. If you have a very happy cute fluffy scene, and then a sad angsty scene, I can see why you want to build a bridge between them. If you couldn't think of what events should be happening to get you there, at least now you know the emotional slope you’re on. Do you want your scene to build energy and suspense, with more characters coming in or more dialogue or more events happening? Or do you want things to be slowing down and getting more quiet, maybe lingering on the scene after one or more of the characters has left. Or, if you do have a big shift in mood between scenes, acknowledge the characters' reality and anticipate your audience's reaction. Maybe the sad thing that happens is more devastating because they were just happy. Maybe the fact that the characters are laughing in this scene when the last scene was awful makes them feel surprised, or guilty, or hopeful.

It is super helpful to ask yourself "what do my characters feel right now" and "how would my characters react to the thing that JUST NOW JUST HAPPENED." (I feel like I extol the virtues of improv a lot when I talk about writing, but this is something that improv has helped me develop.) I get caught up sometimes in what a story NEEDS a character to be thinking or feeling at a certain point in time and ignoring where the scene actually IS. Then I have a hard time connecting two bits of dialogue that structurally only need a couple of sentences to fit together and yet...somehow...I cannot...write those two sentences. That usually means there’s a disconnect like "hey this character was just talking about something really personal and serious, would the person they're talking to really be making jokes/talking about their own problems a second later?" That's a problem within a scene rather than between them, but maybe two scenes feel disjointed because a character's emotions have changed in between them, without an obvious reason for the change and without the audience getting to see a non-obvious reason.

Sometimes you flat out know that you need something to go in between two beats -- for the pacing, for the emotional logic, to fill in a plot hole -- but you still don't know what actually HAPPENS in that scene. One thing that helps me there is to walk through the logistics of a character's life. If I really have no idea what should happen, I ask, what would the characters be doing right after this scene, or right before the next one -- going to class? eating lunch? visiting their family?

This is the kind of detail that I will HAPPILY throw out the window if it gets in the way of the story I want to tell, by the way. I'm not going to not write a really great moment because "well but wouldn't the character probably still be at work" whatever, don't care. And I'm not going to write a scene that doesn't need to be in the story just to satisfy that logic. But if I'm stuck that can be a source of inspiration.

Another good inspiration for when I know something's missing but don't know how to fill it in: think theme. What is the story ABOUT? Is there an event or action or bit of dialogue that would bring that in? What's the thing that made me go I WANT TO WRITE THIS! How can I channel that specific motivation into this scene? If the thing I was most excited about was one specific emotional beat or mental image, what is something that would resonate with that?

But also: you are allowed to write short scenes! You are allowed to write a montage of scenes! You are allowed to cut between things without it being "compelling," you are allowed to have invisible scene changes where the audience doesn't really think much of anything about the fact that the scene just changed, and arguably you should have more of those than otherwise! Even if you just cut between scenes abruptly so that you can finish the story -- hell, once it's done you can go back and look at those, maybe with a complete story in front of you, you can see a little clearer, remember your motivation a little better, and then the words will come out easier. But really if you've got that thing that makes your story your story -- a theme, an arc, one really cool moment that you're building up to, a character dynamic, a sense of humor, a mood, a trope, whatever was that thing you really wanted to play with and build on and show people -- if you've got that thing and you hold onto it, I don't think you need to worry about your story being disjointed.

#writing #Anonymous

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letsdiscoverkitty · 5 years

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How are you getting on Kitty? Have you had any check ins with support this week (obviously not your EDP person though hmmmm!) Any news on an admission? Much love xxx

Hey lovely, thank you for checking in on me, it means a lot. How am I getting on? Hmm, that is a very good question and to be totally honest with you, I am not entirely sure. In general things still feel quite “up in the air”/uncertain/messy and I am still struggling to accept reality. The days are blurring into one; I find time passing yet I am not particularly present/with it. I am, I would say, keeping things stable. Holding on. Getting by. In a state of limbo/waiting....but waiting for what? I wish I could tell you but I don’t know. As for last week: I saw a HCA yesterday for bloods and ECG but that has been all the contact I have had over the past 1.5 weeks. I did have a missed call from the EDP on Thursday but she left no message and didn’t reply to the text that I sent her apologising for missing her call. That was until about 5:30pm yesterday (I spoke to the HCA about the lack of communication and not knowing she was on leave/her not getting back to me and she said she would contact her as it did not seem right), in which she said that she can’t fit me in for our usual slot on Monday so will have to see me wednesday (she then rescheduled my next HCA appointment for Monday instead of Wednesday to space things out).

I hate to admit this but I have been needing quite a bit of reassurance that I deserve support and am unwell recently :( I keep getting myself into this state of, idk how to explain it, floating/blasé(?) and losing sight of any type of grip I sometimes find on why I need to change now. In terms of the bed situation, I am not entirely sure (hence the feeling quite uncertain about where things are at). At my assessment at the Priory it was basically left with “the earliest bed is likely to be x or y date in July and although you may be earmarked for it, you never know what happens (e.g.discharge postponed, emergency, someone else needs the bed more etc)” and that OP was still possible. Since then I have not see my EDP at all or had any proper communication with her, which has been hard, especially as she asked how the assessment went but never acknowledged or replied to my reply. so right now I am none the wiser and it has been a really big head-f*** and yeah, not fun. I WANT to want to make changes so badly. I hate this place that I feel so trapped in. I do not want this. I do not want to have to go into hospital, yet the threat of it is doing little to motivate me (unlike in the past). I am just tired of everything. I wish I had the drive/ability to make the changes that I know I need to make at home because it is not that I don’t know what I need to do, I have all the knowledge, it’s the action that is not there, the comitance. I don’t know why this time is so different to the last x times I have been able to pull myself out of similar limbos, which is frustrating/I end up beating myself up about. The only thing that might be different this time, I suppose is the exhaustion of having tried so many times and falling back down, as well as my weight being the lowest it ever has been (which might be the main hurdle to everything right now). idk.

I am sorry for this long rant/ramble and that might it not make sense but I wanted to try to explain how things are/where things are at best I could. *shrugs* Anyway, I am wishing you a happy weekend anon, take care of yourself xx

#Anonymous #asks

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luckycheesefoodie321 · 6 years

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I’m about to unleash a LONG review of HTTYD3: The Hidden World RIDDLED with spoilers sooooo... (this is probably trash, it’s been several days since i started this so idk the flow and my thought process was a mess but i better post this now before i forget)

Spoiler free review: 9/10, I did cry, personally felt it was on par with HTTYD2 butttt I like it in a different way to HTTYD2... the animation? ferguckin’ gorgeous, there are fracking LEVELS to the beauty of the Hidden World (the actual place and the movie)...and Astrid’s hair??? mmmm yeah goals

OK SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT (and it looooong yall)

Ok so time to explain the 1/10:

the flow wasn’t as smooth?? as it could have been... it all made sense why things happened and where the motivations came from but...the transitions from sequence to sequence seemed...a little disjointed??? there were parts (maybe it was because i had a kid with me so I got distracted in like two parts) where I was like “oh wait something is happening?? oh wait no yeah I get it sure...so it took me second to realise how one scene got to the other (but again that might’ve been because i was distracted.)...and as a result of the slightly jarred flow, the pace seemed a little disrupted??? maybe it’s just me wanting more, but it felt like things could’ve been a bit...meatier??

also, this was a very Hiccup and Toothless film (I mean obviously, and this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I intend to discuss how great it is later), and so it sorta left little fulfilment or finality for the side characters...they all had their moments sure, and somewhat of an end, but i feel like just a minute here and there more to give them a more satisfying character ending would’ve been nice...

NOW ONTO THE 9/10, and since we’re here already, let’s talk side characters

OUR DRAGON SQUAD

Tuffnut finally got a chance to shine for more than a second of screentime, and while he remained the comedic relief he’s always been (in the films, haven’t seen the shows or short films), it was fun to see him branch out and engage with Hiccup directly...the continuous through-line of him and his beard and trying to impart wisdom on Hiccup was great... Ruffnut also got some solid screentime and she finally made her choice of man (when really she didn’t have any for reasons I will explain later) and “accepted” Fishlegs...but idk didn’t care about that, her scene when she was “captured” by Grimmel was fantastic...Kristen Wiig delivered perfectly from intonation to comedic timing, loved her work!

Snotlout...I literally had to pause a few seconds just now after typing his name bc *sigh*...we all know Snotlout’s has mild braggadocio...he spitting words with no follow through...annnd that doesn’t much change??? He’s still trying to front and compete with Hiccup and then Eret, and that was originally his charm point...but I would’ve liked to see him find validation in himself rather than an intentional compliment from Valka...and speaking of Valka??? Snotlout just latching onto the closest woman likkkkeeee Snotlout calm down you’re like 40 years younger than her??? maybe not 40 but point is Valka is a badass dragon momma who really isn’t going your way...I just wanted Snotlout to have his moment...

Fishlegs...yeah he was all dragon daddy carrying his baby Gronkle around and also enjoying his baby Gronkle and that big dragon’s friendship...also Ruffnut has claimed him...bc Snotlout is chasing Valka...so there’s no real option for her (she moved on from Eret and her self-confidence is kinda dope)

HOMIE ADULTS

Eret, son of Eret...I wanted more of him...he just hanging around making passing comments and being the knowledgeable other about Grimmel...and then he had a little something something implied with Gobber??? they had some scenes that had me side-eyeing hardcore... Gobber basically has the same relationship he had with Stoick, but with Hiccup...general calling him out, questioning his lack of planning...just sorta done with everything...true sassy queen...and also yeah him and Eret??? suss

Valka, my queen, my dragon wizard lord who floats through the clouds... maintains her badassery and voice of wisdom role but again steps back to make way for Hiccup and Toothless...and she encouraged Snotlout, for which I am not down...like sure support him but ugh you know he’s into you so just...just...no

MAIN CHARACTERS

Grimmel...definitely a more fleshed out villain than the Red Death and Drago...not necessarily a complex villain, but he was a lot smarter and impacted Hiccup in a way the other two didn’t...rather than using blood and fire to cut to Hiccup’s core, he lured Toothless away and forced Hiccup into a sobering reality that he and Toothless can’t always be together...that said, his “death” was kinda lame...could’ve had more of a bang than probably drowning

The Light Fury was used in an interesting way...she’d already been captured and was used as bait, not just stumbled upon in the wilderness as I had assumed from the trailers...I enjoyed how she was so clearly a wild dragon...from the way she responded to Toothless and his attempts at flirting, spurred him to tap into his true potential and abilities that Valka had alluded to in HTTYD2, to how she always trying to get him to come away into the sky and away from the humans...that said I love how she gradually warmed up to Hiccup...not in the way Toothless did, but in a way where you knew she acknowledged that Hiccup was someone who was important to Toothless, and had no desire to harm her or other dragons and the fact she was the one who saved both Toothless and Hiccup at the end was great...

Astrid, once again, is the only one (aside from Valka, and apparently Eret) with any real sense, both common and fighting...she’s kept to her roots as a skilled fighter in her own right, as opposed to the others relying heavily on their dragons...her chemistry with Hiccup continued to be adorable and flirtatious and pure and wholesome and with all the mad banter...her being so firm against being married so quickly bouncing off Hiccup’s clearly apparent willingness to tie the knot was an adorable under-plot...her character was probably the most consistent of all the characters imo...and she got a fulfilling ending...plus once again, her hair, ESPECIALLY IN THE WEDDING SCENE WAS SO FRIGGEN GORGEOUS AND BEATS ALL ANIMATED HAIR EVER

And now the boys of the hour, Hiccup and Toothless

This was a Hiccup and Toothless film. No side story about his mom and dad, no arbitrary villain just there to cause conflict. This was a film about two best friends in an increasingly complicated world realising that in order to tackle that world? They’d have to separate. It’s the same feeling as realising that the people you grew up with or the friends you made in school won’t be able to stay by your side anymore. You each have a path to take and it’s not one that can be shared...maybe run parallel at times but not the whole way. This is what our boys had to face.

I love love LOVED that there were sooo many parallels to the first movie...ugh to have that footage so I can count and display all the moments that just brought you back to all the charm and things you fell in love with in the first movie, but with more meaning, more stories to tell...it’s like when I saw Miley Cyrus sing The Climb again many many years after the Hannah Montana movie...there was suddenly more depth to her performance...this was the vibe I got..and it was obviously intentional in bringing so many parallels to the first movie...bringing the story full circle and all that, and of course it culminated in the most perfect moment, the moment that started us all on this journey...

BUT IN THE MOTHERFRACKING REVERSE!!! this was the moment that let those tears slip...I had gone in expecting to cry, but had far and away found myself having more fun and slowly accepting that maybe...maybe I wouldn’t cry in this movie...we got to the big goodbye, and I embodied my inner Jake Peralta and was like cool cool cool no tears yet, I can make it through and then BAM! they did the reverse hand touch and tears were spilled, and my friends were just watching me with unbridled glee in the dark as I got emotional...I’d been watching with increasing suspicion as moment after moment echoed the first movie, but somehow I didn’t realise they would do the reverse hand thing...maybe it’s because the hand thing had been embedded in every moment that Hiccup and the dragon riders encountered new dragons that I did not expect he would ever have to do it to Toothless again?? but in reverse???? because he was letting GO?!?!?!?!?! god it hit me hard...

But then a downside: they started to overuse it in the prologue-y sorta bit with the kids and meeting Toothless again...liiikkkeeee we already had that major impactful, emotional moment...why overuse it??? i would’ve much rathered they just gazed at each other for a bit before Toothless suddenly gives his signature toothless grin...or he swoops in and grabs Hiccup by the pegleg into the air, freaks everyone out, only to do the upside down grin thing- that would’ve been great...I mean they had that moment with the Light Fury but I wouldn’t have minded if they used that one again...

my mind is wandering and this probs doesn’t make any sense at this point sooo: the separation thing! good they established the over-reliance on the dragons and Hiccup’s thinking he can’t do well without Toothless, and Astrid, my QUEEN, coming in and telling him what’s what...and also not marrying him until he was more certain of himself because she knew if he wasn’t ready to face the world alone, he wasn’t ready to face the world with her (at least that’s my interpretation and again idk where I’m going with this thought process)...also love that Hiccup was lowkey jealous of the Light Fury...also also glad she never got a name...keeps her wild, as she should be...

I think this was definitely an incredible ending to an incredible trilogy of films...maybe not Toy Story perfect, but it was full of heart and emotion and continuously brought you back to all the wonder of the first film. Literally, there were so many parallels to the first film it was insane...while I talked about disjointed flow earlier, this incorporation of these callbacks was so well embedded, becoming just a natural proceeding of events...

I’m coming back to this review after several days so idk where I was going with this soooo just gonna wrap this up:

ASTRID’S WEDDING HAIR WAS GOALS. THE END.

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virtuissimo · 6 years

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Pride by Ibi Zoboi (Review)

This book is a modern retelling of the Jane Austen’s seminal classic Pride & Prejudice. Zuri Luz Benitez is a black Haitian-Dominican teenager in her senior year of high school whose identity is constructed around her life in Bushwick, a neighborhood with a tight community that is going through aggressive gentrification. Across the street, in one of the new gentrified houses, the Darcy family moves in, including twins Ainsley and Darius, two rich private-school boys sticking out like a fish out of water.

Zoboi’s adaptation creates amazing parallels when compared one-to-one with P&P, but it can’t hold its own very well. The writing is a simplistic and the characterization for most of the named characters is extremely one-dimensional. I was taken a bit by surprise when I found it in the youth section, and the simple writing makes me confused about the age of the intended audience. In any case, I didn’t have a bad time reading this, but I was expecting a lot more than I got.

To expand a little on the intended audience, I think my confusion is mostly because of the conflicting styles. On one hand, Zoboi’s prose is very simple and almost hamfisted in how she handles her characters and story. Other than some nice and age-appropriate poetry from Zuri herself, the rest of the book isn’t very elegant in writing quality. So I said to myself, ok I found it in the youth section. It’s intended for a younger audience. However, all the central characters are in their senior year of high school, and there are numerous allusions to sex and cusses that I’m not sure would fly in middle fiction. I think those who are in this reading level will find the characters too old and teenagery, while those who are the main character’s ages will find the prose to be lacking. Zuri in specific is a voracious reader, and she herself would not have the patience to enjoy reading this book which is far below her reading level.

It’s easier to read this book for what it’s supposed to be saying rather than what it is saying, if that makes any sense. For instance, Darius when he first shows up is quiet and doesn’t offer much information about himself, but he also wasn’t very rude or belligerent upon first impression. I know “prejudice” is half the thing, but Zuri really jumps the gun and kind of started the whole feud in the first place. It just wasn’t that believable that he was some jerk who deserved her hatred like it was with Elizabeth Bennet, and similarly it wasn’t very believable when she later learns that she just misinterpreted his social awkwardness.

Also, I thought it was interesting that the title removed the “prejudice” when to me that seemed like a much bigger aspect of this version than in Austen’s work. For instance, Darius makes a number of disparaging remarks about Bushwick and its “ghetto” people, but even before he makes these remarks Zuri already “hates” him based on stuff she made up about him in her head. And then later, when they begin to get closer, she actually never confronts him about his prejudice and just. Forgives and forgets.

She also forgives and forgets when it comes to Ainsley and Janae. This bothered me a lot more than some of my other nitpicking because it actually changes one of the important themes of P&P. Not that Zoboi doesn’t have the right to alter thematic elements—she absolutely does! But the theme of family and the fact that Zuri would do ANYTHING for her sisters is told to the reader through a lot of exposition, but we don’t actually see it. The moment in the car when she finds out that Darius split up Ainsley and Janae is really representative of that for me. She got angry in the moment, but she never actually investigates to find out WHY he did it like Elizabeth in P&P. On that note, later on when she forgives him, she never asks him to account for it again.

In fact, character motivation and appropriate emotional buildup was a recurring issue in this book. Nothing hit quite like I think Zoboi intended them to.

The talk on gentrification and class difference is good tho. Perhaps incomplete, but there’s only so much space. They really show how class plays a role in a variety of different circumstances and scenarios, and I think Zoboi succeeds here where others have failed.

Some of the parallels that I liked:

- Warren and Colin took me OUT when they first appeared. You can really see what Zoboi thinks about Mr. Wickham and Mr. Collins from the original lol.

- The tour of Howard instead of touring the Darcy home was very interesting to me. I think it was a great introduction to how she wasn’t expecting her world to expand so much, and that there’s a lot of different experiences in the world that she’s missing, and she gets introduced to this idea by people who AREN’T Darius and Ainsley. I really liked that.

- The leopard print and “inappropriate dress” that the Benitez family wore to the Darcy cocktail party. It seems like a good way to show how respectability politics still play into the modern day, and it added a bit of character to the Benitez family as a prototypical Latinx family that I really enjoyed.

- The Warren and Georgia situation was also a good way to translate this into the modern day.

- P&P: In order to avoid scandal, Darcy pays for a marriage between a 16 year old and a 20-something known scumbag, and this is seen as a good thing because it saved the Bennet family. Zoboi’s Pride: Darius beats the shit out of Warren. I REALLY CRIED, THIS IS WHAT I WANT OUT OF AN ADAPTATION.

Things I didn’t like so much:

- Ainsley x Janae is treated like a veeery minor side story instead of being a secondary plot. One of the big things in P&P is that Jane and Bingley are the prototypical pure love story and they think they are the main characters. Ainsley and Janae are not given much space to breathe in the narrative, and their relationship comes across as an afterthought instead of as one of the principal plot threads.

- The diversion with Darius’ grandmother was also thrown in there like an afterthought. It didn’t add much to the story other than showing that Darius will side with Zuri when push comes to shove. It still felt like it took up a lot more time than it needed to if the grandmother wasn’t going to appear again at the end of the book like in the original. If it’s role to the plot was going to be minimized like that, I don’t really understand why it was included at all.

- Charlise and Colin as a pair also felt out of place. In the original, Mr. Collins and Charlotte weren’t a major part of the story, but they contributed to the narrative that Austen wanted to tell about marriage and the different types of marriages that exist in English society at the time. Charlise and Colin don’t really have that effect on the story at all. Both characters are completely irrelevant to the plot (except Colin in the last possible moment), and they’re only really there to BE an adaptation.

- Some of the plot beats were rearranged. I didn’t mind this so much since any number of directorial decisions are valid so long as the have a positive impact on the adaptation’s goal, but I didn’t really see how they added much.

One thing I REALLY liked was the addition of Madrina. I’m not sure if she’s a reference to something I don’t remember from the text or a completely original addition, but I thought she made for some really interesting moments. I especially loved how much connection Zuri felt with her Orisha worship and that they called her “daughter of Ochun.” I would change NOTHING about this, it was pure and really sweet.

One adaptation I WISH Zoboi had made was to have Zuri call out Darius’ hypocrisy. In P&P, the Bennetts are certainly in a different social class from Darcy and the Bingleys, but they’re ultimately still property owners in Britain. The stakes are different here. Darius keeps talking about how things in his life aren’t perfect just because he’s rich (which is absolutely true, especially when Zoboi starts getting into his experience as a black teenager surrounded by white classmates), but he is STILL not really understanding the difference in experience between himself and Zuri. The thing is, although she’s not right to judge Darius’ whole personality, she absolutely IS right about a lot of his privilege at the very beginning, but she kind of lets that go after a while. Zuri confronts Darius about his wealth many times, but to me at least it doesn’t really seem like she was able to convince him that his whole outlook on life is fundamentally different because of his wealth. Idk maybe I’m grasping at straws here. I just wish that Darius had actually talked about like . trying to persuade his parents to donate more to charity, or doing community service, or idk DISTRIBUTING THE WEALTH. Darius doesn’t change much in the story. At the beginning, he’s like “sorry im rich but lmfao you’re being mean to me!” and then at the end he is like “I am simply a rich boy, I cannot change this” which is barely a difference at all.

Anyways. I really didn’t hate this book. I wanted to like it a lot more than I did, which is why I have all these criticisms about it.

I recommend this to anyone who wants to read a thoughtprovoking discussion on class through the lens of one of history’s most overrated love stories (speaking as someone who loves P&P: yea it’s overrated). Read it for Zuri and Darius, who are totally different people from Elizabeth and Darcy. Read it for nostalgia, because even though I don’t know what it feels like to be one of 5 Afrolatine kids in Bushwick, I Felt that family affection.

3/5 for having great ideas but not such great execution.

#book review #ibi zoboi #pride ibi zoboi #pride and prejudice #p&p #my post

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lestwinsfanfics · 6 years

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Just Friends - Chapter 56

Aaliyah

I could feel the boom of the bass underneath the soles of my feet. My heels only acted as transmitters, and the alcohol I’d ingested throughout the night made me feel every beat through my body. I tossed my head back lazily, though I was only just past tipsy. This started a slow body roll in my seat to the beat of “Company” by Tinashe. Leslie randomly played this song on repeat last week when we were hanging out and my body wound familiarly to the synth-y beat. My eyes were closed, and I tossed my head side to side, hearing Tyler egg me on while feeling her bouncing by my side. She tossed her long, freshly done braids into a ponytail earlier and currently swung them around and I couldn’t help but grab my phone to take a video.

“I’m nothing like a girlfriend.” She sang along into the camera, standing and turning her body to give an extra dance to the camera. I laughed, yelling out at her and turning the camera to myself briefly before putting my phone down, just in time to start bouncing around for Kehlani’s “Distraction.”

This was my shit.

I rose to my feet with Tyler, the both of us dancing together amongst the people in VIP, laughing and singing loudly along. “DO YOU DO YOU DO YOU WANNA BEEEEEEE?!”

Eventually the two of us made it to the dance floor to really turn it out. The DJ was bomb, and Jamal had hand picked her for tonight’s festivities. I was glad he stayed true to his promise of fun night, because I had zero plans for going out tonight.

Jamal had begged me yesterday evening, and even roped Tyler in. She wasn’t a hard sell, she was always down for a good time so it was two against one and before I knew it, I was beating my face and donning a long black button up shirt with splits up the sides, and a pair of leather shorts. My hair was bone straight and my weave hung almost down to my ass. I made a spur of the moment decision to add clip ins and upon seeing the full picture of my look, I was feeling it.

A couple shots before we headed out, and a couple more to sustain my vibe throughout the night, I was having a blast.

I threw it back against Tyler, shaking my ass to “Slow Motion” by Trey Songz, dropping down and popping back up toward her.

“That’s my bitch!” She yelled out, her hand on my hip as I moved. I had my lip in my mouth and one hand on my knee to stabilize myself.

We were on one, and even my heels weren’t going to stop me from having a fun ass night.

Jamal had been running around the club handling business, popping in on us at various moments of the night and making sure we were situated with drinks and whatnot. Once he and I locked eyes, I did an extra wine on Tyler, making him raise his eyebrows mid conversation with one of the bouncers of the other VIP area to the left of us.

He dapped him up and walked over to us, prompting Tyler and I to circle him and dance around him, me behind and her in front. He laughed, shaking his head and raising his hands, letting us switch off dancing on him, before we both went to town, dancing on his legs as he held one side of either of our hips.

“Yall fuckin stupid yo.” He said with a laugh, grabbing us both into a side hug while we walked back to our table. “I seen yall out there getting it in though. Why I aint get none of that?”

“Because you aint my nigga.” Tyler said, prompting us to laugh together at her blunt nature. “Idk her excuse though.”

“Bitch.” I replied, squinting at her, which only made Jamal laugh more. I could really appreciate that he was respectful of me trying to figure things out, and our friendship had shockingly only continued to get better since that day in my office.

While I knew there would likely always be an undercurrent of something with him, I was glad that it was easy going and never awkward.

I didn’t have to worry about anything tonight though, because as it stood, he was dating the bottle girl that currently waited on our VIP section. I wondered if she knew about me, she wasn’t really rude but she also wasn’t particularly nice either. She was just, regular.

“Y'all good over here?” She asked loudly as she walked past our table.

“Yeah.” Tyler answered back, not feeling her energy and barely paying her any mind. I giggled, giving her a big smile and nodding.

“Yeah I think so, thanks.”

“No problem.” She smiled back, her pearly white teeth glimmering as much as her glossy lips. Her toned legs looked amazing in the club’s provided attire for its bartenders. She was a pretty girl, I would never hate. “You good, Mal?”

“Yeah.” They both smirked at one another before she walked away and he looked at me, only to see my eyebrows raised. “What?”

He laughed and so did I. “Nothing.” I said with a shrug and a smile, noting their interaction and the way he took his arm from around me when she came over.

He liked her more than he let on. It was cute.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom.” I yelled over the music to Tyler who was currently plotting on this dude by the VIP bar. He and his friends had been next to us the entire night and while we’d had a couple funny interactions, I knew when my friend was interested, and interested she was.

“You want me to come?”

“No, no stay. I’ll be right back.” I said, insisting she stay. “Use the alone time wisely.

I nodded my head toward him, making Tyler laugh before I headed off toward my destination.

–

After reapplying the lipstick that coated my lips and taking a quick selfie, I toyed with my hair a little bit before posting the picture on my instagram. As soon as I looked up, the door flew open and I gasped, not expecting the quick and heavy swing of it.

"Sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

You know that feeling when someone has been staring at you specifically? Like, past people watching, with an awareness and familiarity to the analysis of your moves.

I couldn’t place it, but I’d been feeling it all night. Now I finally understood why.

Karina stood, staring at my reflection in the mirror. It had to be here. The timing of this wasn’t coincidental and I knew that. I was surprised that I didn’t burn up from the amount of heat her glare provided me throughout the night. While a piece of me wanted nothing more than to give her the shit eating grin of her nightmares, the one that said “I have more control than you ever had.” I wouldn’t give her the satisfaction. She didn’t deserve any extra energy from me. “Aaliyah.”

I sighed, a single dry chuckle left my body as I dropped my phone into my clutch.

Karina stood in front of me, clad in jeans, a white crop top, and a gaudy mens chain. Her body, as per usual, looked amazing and her hair, just the same, was flawless.

I’d seen pictures of her… interesting makeup and clothing decisions that never hit the mark, and while tonight was no different, I wouldn’t nit pick at her appearance. She was still a beautiful girl.

A beautiful girl who only ever stood in my presence to start some shit.

“Karina.” I replied with a smile and a tilt of my head. “You look nice.”

She squinted, roaming my body with her eyes before settling on my face with a nod of approval. “So do you. I love that lipstick.”

“Thanks.” I nodded back, taking a deep breath and preparing myself to exit. “Well, if you’ll excuse me…”

“Look, I’m not here to start trouble.” My laughter was impossible to contain. It left my lips and caused me to shake my head. She continued, unmoved by my clear reaction. “I just… I’m glad we ran into each other in here. I wanted to come speak earlier but… yeah.”

“Lets not play these games, Karina.” I paused, pulling back my negative energy. I wasn’t about to have my night ruined. “You had no reason to come say hi to me. No reason to speak. Lets not pretend that we’re friends or have more than one thing in common. So with that, have a nice night.”

I assumed her silence was based in shock considering I didn’t often speak more than a few words than her. I would never give her the satisfaction, especially not in a work environment and our minimal interactions had been all surrounding my job. This, in comparison, probably seemed bold. She didn’t know me enough to know this was a norm.

I moved to the side in order to pass her. “No, Aaliyah. I want to apologize.”

I sighed, leaning against the wall, simultaneously wishing and praying that someone would walk in and interrupt us, but also thankful that no one did.

My lack of commentary cued her to continue.

“I know that I’ve been rude to you in the past. The reality is, I know how close you and Larry are, and I needed to accept that and not put my frustration with him out on you.”

I crossed my arms, telling of my discomfort and annoyance with being here, and while my drunk was wearing off, I really didn’t want this to taint the rest of my evening.

I’d grab a round of tequila shots when I walked out of here.

“Larry was my boyfriend. Not you.It was his responsibility to make sure I was comfortable with the relationship between the two of you. Not yours.” I scoffed, unable to control myself. “I was rude because I was uncomfortable and insecure and I should have been more demanding with him, not a bitch to you. My bad. Really.”

“I appreciate that.” I replied, still not falling into her bullshit. I knew how Karina played. There was an ulterior motive somewhere here.

“Is that all?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay then.” I turned to grab the door before feeling her hand on my shoulder.

“You said that was it.” The sigh I let out bled through my words.

“Look, even though Larry needed to be the one making me feel comfortable, that doesn’t mean I didn’t know that there was something else going on between the two of you.” I just watched her, schooling my face the best way I could to not give anything away.

“Anyone who is around you two for any extended period of time can see it. Y'all aren’t as slick as you think you are.”

“Larry and I have nothing to do with you, despite what you think.” I stopped her. “Your relationship with him is yours. Don’t worry about mine. We have business. That business has nothing to do with you.”

“I’m not saying I have anything to do with you guys.” She paused. “Not anymore I’m not.”

I squinted, wondering what exactly she meant.

“All I’m saying is that I see it. I see the chemistry and I know something is there…” She paused, collecting her words. “Aaliyah I don’t know much about you but you seem like a good girl. You’re beautiful, you’re smart. You’re business-minded. Hell, you’ve never batted an eye at me despite my best attempts to fuck with you and that alone is commendable because it couldn’t have been me.”

She laughed a little bit recalling her bullshit.

“You deserve more than Larry fucking Bourgeois. You do.” she stopped, her voice soft yet… firm in her words. “You can do better. Don’t let him walk all over you and bullshit you girl.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Whether you want to admit it or not, Larry has you under his thumb and I know he does because you know all about his bullshit and despite it, you still deal with his ass.”

“I work with him.” I remained convicted in my words even though we all knew this was way past work. “I have no choice but to deal with him.”

“This isn’t about work and you know that.” The boom from the music let me know that I was currently missing a really good migos song and while I was a bit annoyed, it could wait. “Larry is holding you back and he will always be on bullshit, no matter what.”

“Karina I’m-”

“You think he was loyal to me while we were together?” She scoffed loudly, pushing forward. “Please. I knew he was cheating and let him cook. He even fucked a couple of the girls who are behind the bar as we speak! He will continue whatever behavior you allow until he gets sick of it and will toss you aside.” she paused, controlling her anger.

I pursed my lips in silence, I could tell her frustrations would get the best of her soon and my lack of reaction wasn’t helping matters.

But if I was being honest, some of the things she was saying made me pause.

“All I’m trying to say Aaliyah is that if it isn’t me, it will always be another girl. You deserve someone who’s willing to just be for and about you.”

“Like I said before Karina.” I paused, turning toward the door and grabbing the handle. “Larry and I have nothing to do with you. I appreciate your concern and your apology earlier, but you don’t know me at all. You and I aren’t the same, and whatever impression you have of me is something you made up in your head. I’m good.” “There you are.” Jamal’s voice caught me off guard as he stood next to the bathroom door. I wasn’t confident that he hadn’t heard every bit of our conversation, and I prayed the audio and thick bathroom door had kept us contained. “You good baby girl?”

I fixed my face quickly, tilting my head with a smile as he put his arm around me, pulling me into a light hug. “Yeah. I’m good.”

“I just ordered us another round and you weren’t there. Tyler told me you were in the bathroom.” He rambled on as we left the hallway leading to the bathroom. As we turned I couldn’t help but look back at the door at a shocked Karina, whos eyebrows were raised. She nodded with a slight smile, which I assumed was because of Jamal and I leaving together.

A couple shots and dances later, and I was back in the flow of the evening.

But nothing said was forgotten.

—————–

I yawned, tossing the oversized t shirt over my head before I grabbed the big bottle of lotion from Noelle’s dresser. She was currently in Amsterdam living her best life and I would be indulging in her bed tonight while she was gone. After we left the club, we went and grabbed pizza and made our way back to Ty and Noelle’s apartment which was the closest.

“I'ma sleep in my damn boxers, shit. I don’t care.”

“Don’t nobody want ya stankin ass on my couch nigga!” She yelled back, with a mouth still full of something, Pizza I would guess or some of the fries I’d left on the table when I went to shower.

I laughed to myself as they continued to argue, jokingly as they always did.

“Mal, you don’t have any ball shorts?” I mused, popping my head out of the room. I heard the phone ringing on Tyler’s end, and her enthusiastic hello let me know that she would be quieter for a little bit.

“Oh shit you right.” he replied to me, watching me walk out of the room and plop onto the living room couch. “Lemme go check my car real quick.”

“You smell good.” he said with a smile before grabbing his keys and Tyler’s, and walking past me, putting his hand ontop of the scarf on my head.

“I always smell good.” I said, rubbing the remaining lotion on my arms.

“You a lie.” He said, closing the door before the pillow he knew I was going to toss at him could make contact.

“Mmm, I don’t know actually.” Tyler continued her conversation before grabbing her Gatorade and downing it. “We’ll probably go get breakfast or something unless Liyah got something to do in the morning.”

“Who you talking to?” I asked, raising my eyebrow before noticing that the marbled phone case in her hands belonged to me.

It was then that I recognized the voice on the other end. “She so nosy.”

“I know, right?” Tyler replied, smiling into the phone. “Always in my business.”

“You’re on my phone, so that makes it my business.” I said, a yawn following my words as I felt myself getting deeper and deeper into the comfort of the chair.

“Your phone rang while you were in the shower so I grabbed it. I figured you’d want to talk to him.” She said to me, still with my phone in her hands.

“I don’t want to talk to his ass.” I said with an eyeroll and a smile.

“Oh please, I know you want to talk to ya nigga. Bye Larry!” She said waving at him. “Tell your annoying ass brother I said hi too.”

Larry laughed as he said his goodbyes and I laughed as she handed me my phone.

My smile remained as soon as I saw Larry’s sleepy face.

“You don’t wanna talk to me?” Larry said.

“Nope.” I said, emphasizing the p to solidify my lie.

“wooooow, that’s fucked up.” he replied, making me laugh as I flopped down onto the bed. Literally as soon as I got comfortable I felt my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

“I’m just kiddingggggggg.” I said, my words slurring with sleep and any remnants of alcohol I hadn’t muted with the greasy pizza. “I always want to talk to you.”

“You look so good.” Larry sighed with a big smile. I could faintly see darkness around him, it was clearly night time as he leaned against the window by his side. My stomach churned and my face warmed with his words. I couldn’t help myself.

“Stop it.” I said shyly, grabbing the blanket at the bottom of the bed and covering myself. “What are you doing?”

The rose and sandalwood blend that Noelle always wore filled my nostrils and made me miss her. It also only furthered my comfort levels as I felt myself sinking more and more into the bed.

“Driving back to the hotel.” He said with a yawn.

“New Zealand, right?”

“Yeah.” he replied quietly, staring at me through the screen.

“No club tonight?”

“We gonna go after we get back maybe? I dunno, the show went too crazy and I’m tired as hell.”

“Was it good?” I yawned, snuggling in more.

“It was so fucking good.” He was still speaking quietly, the microphone on his headphones making his voice sound like it was right beside me. I was tempted to shut my eyes, but I ignored the sting they provided and stayed alert. “The crowd was so wild. They cheer so hard for me and Lau baby, it was the best.”

“That’s so good!” I said back, mimicking his smile and energy even though I struggled to keep my eyes open now that I’d found a comfortable spot. I was toasty warm, covered in a blanket, snuggled into bed, and talking to Larry. I felt at peace.

“I hear you out all night.” Larry said with his eyebrow raised.

I tossed my head back, glancing up at the ceiling as I laughed. “You should have seen me. I was a dancing machine.”

Larry laughed. “I do see. You never dance like that for me, not in a long time I think…”

“What do you mean you saw?” Larry smiled and raised his eyebrows in response to my question. “Tyler posted shit?” I asked, kissing my teeth and rolling my eyes. I’d kill her when I woke up in the morning.

“You look sexy though. That little shorts you have on?” he hissed dramatically, shaking his head and putting his hand over his chest. “My God.”

“Don’t be dirty with the Lord’s name.”

“You look so good though I think I maybe in heaven.”

“Shut up” I laughed, still yawning and feeling my eyes water. Recollections of the night had me remembering the conversation with Karina…

I considered spilling the beans, but I didn’t want a fight. Not right now.

I still needed time to think.

“I’m serious…” Larry paused, the silence of the car he was in and the silence on my end was soothing and lulling, and allowed me to abandon the conversation on the tip of my tongue with ease.“You even more beautiful right now.”

I couldn’t help the soft grin tugging at my lips. He could be so charming. “Thank you, Larry.”

“You’re welcome.”

“I’m sure I’ll see you online in the morning at the club too.” I said, referring to the inevitable fan recorded videos that would flood my work timeline and my alerts.

“Man I going to bed I think, I’m so damn tired. They gonna want to stay up all damn night too.” He kissed his teeth again, prompting me to shake my head at the dramatics of it all.

“Oh please.” I replied through a yawn. “You never too tired to hit the club. Who you with?”

He flipped the camera, showing me Lau leaned against the opposite window to him, mouth ajar as he slept. They had to have been exhausted. These two never took an opportunity to skip out on going out just to rest. Even if they needed to in order to have a good day the next day, they’d push and push.

“He so ugly, liyah. He don’t look better than me ever. I ashamed sometimes.” He cracked on his twin as I laughed, calling him rude between insults. Before I knew it, Lau’s hand dove across the seat and smacked the phone from Larry’s hand.

After a mild tussle, Larry’s face was back on the screen, shaking his head and muttering French insults. Larry was usually the more physical one, while Lau’s verbal attacks were deadly, so I’m sure those slaps I heard came from Larry.

“That was rude.” I joked.

“Nah he a baby.”

“Fuck up, Larry.” Lau said off screen.

“Baby we pulling up to the hotel, I call you when I get in?”

“Yeah I might be asleep by then but you can try.”

“No no, get some rest. You a party animal now.” I laughed, knowing he teased at how much I valued sleep. “You better stay up with me next time I’m in town. I wanna see what you can do.”

“Larry.”

“You gonna show me?” He said with a smile and a slight tilt to his head. I sighed softly, making his eyes narrow.

Larry would get sexual occasionally and though we’d clearly crossed that line many times in the past, him not being here and making those jokes allowed me to still keep the distance I wanted to. I knew sleeping with him would throw me off.

“You so nasty Larry I don’t need to hear that shit.” Lau yelled, making me laugh. “Hi Liyah. You nasty too.”

I gasped in mock offense. “I didn’t do anything!.”

“Don’t listen to Lau.” I heard Larry say over my yawn. “Okay its time for you to go to bed.”

“Yeah I think i’m going to call it.”

“Bye baby, have a good morning okay?”

“I’ll talk to you soon.” I said, kissing my fingers twice toward him.

As soon as the call ended, I dropped my phone and was down for the count.

——– Larry took an extra hit, letting the smoke linger out of his mouth and quickly sucked it back in, lips poked out, still gently laughing. I smiled lightly, singing along quietly to Up by Wiz Khalifa.

Our hands grazed as he passed me the joint. I could feel a tingling on my face and while I knew I was high, that wasn’t the reason. Larry’s eyes caught mine just as Wiz crooned.

“You got me walkin on the ceiling” Larry mouthed along, closing his eyes as he layed back on my headboard.

I found myself lost in my thoughts. Smoking could be so… enticing sometimes. Almost erotic. From the woodsy aroma that the weed emits, the shape the smoke takes as it hits the air, how it can go from a heavy thickness to whispy and thin, the way it lingers wherever it touches… it was easy to find yourself immersed in the moment while you’re high, just watching everything happen around you.

It also didn’t hurt to watch the smoke exit the lips of a picturesque male like this one.

“You should dance to this boo.” I say, interrupting my own thoughts, nudging Larry’s side.

“Only if you sing for me…” he grinned at me, knowing I was much more apt to do so while high. His smile encouraged me.

“Nigga you aint slick.” I said, side eye-ing him playfully and catching myself falling under his spell like I always did.

These were the moments that could never and would never forget. The moments I loved with my love… my best friend.

We didn’t get to do this often, what with our work schedules and just life in general, but the connection never left… and unlike most relationships, the distance didn’t completely ruin it.

It had been harder to stay connected over the years but… I don’t think either of us could just completely let the other go.

Come to think of it, we were probably too damn old to be sitting up in a room, bed covered in snacks, getting high as hell and blasting music. But we loved it. and we made a point to always do it at least once while we’re together. More often than not more than once.

Because everything’s better when you’re high…

All of my senses were heightened at this point. I could smell the notes of the candles burning next to me, the most prominent one being the dark musky but sweet one brought back to me from belgium…only to be burned on special occasions. I could feel Larry’s heavy body on every piece of my skin.

For someone who could move so lightly, his presence could be so heavy. We were between j’s. Larry’s head resting on my chest, My hand tangled in his hair. Him playing with the fringes on the blanket covering us, breathing deeply from the feeling of my nails in his scalp. I could feel his fingers switch jobs, drumming the beat of the opening to the song on my thigh.

I was sent here for you, we were made to love, we were made to love. Could the music have been any more appropriate?

I could feel his voice vibrating against me, like he could mine. My body tingled with a warmth that I knew was more than the temperature. Larry’s scent, warm and inviting, made me feel safe and at home.

This was a familiar back and forth for us. No matter how few and far between these moments come, this would always be it.

“Who that?” Larry’s head popped up as the chime of my phone interrupts the song.

“mmm..” I paused awkwardly as I reached to my side, not fuily sure who it was, but also not wanting to ruin the moment. I was prepared to lie regardless of who it was but the name made me grateful inside. “It’s Lau. He’s pissed you didn’t answer him.”

“Yeah well he should still be pissed, your shit should be on silent too, like mine.“ he mumbled as we both settled back into the bed, side to side now instead of tangled amongst each other. "You not slick baby. Who you waiting to hear from?”

“No one… I just… forgot” I say, pausing to stall. My phone buzzed in my hand again. as a new message popped in the middle of the screen. “Lau is on his way soon.”

“Yeah, maybe he come in an hour or 2, that nigga slow.” his laugh deep, husky, and smoke filled…while holding a bright bunny tooth-ed smile, the annoyance his voice was previously filled with completely changing. Before I could point out his baby face and fully join in with his teasing, his phone rattled against my leg, shining an unsaved number. I ignored it the first time, as he generally keept his phone face down or unseen and on silent, no vibrate, no sound. Seeing the number pop up irritated me immediately, and uncontrollably.

Call me selfish. Call me out on the double standard. I don’t care. I know what those unsaved numbers mean… at least mine isn’t a random fuck…or a basic ass waste of time.

“Don’t pout at me like that baby, I know what you about to say.” He was the one who should have been questioned now, just as I had been a little while ago. The room darkened with my mood.

Neither of us could ever hide our emotions, especially with each other. My second nature scowl was obvious to him before it was obvious to me. “I’m not about to say anything,” I replied, shifting some more to attach my phone to the charger. “Go answer your phone, it’s annoying.”

“No… fuck that. its our time.” He sighed.

Like clockwork I glanced into my hands to see my phone quickly buzzing alerting me to a message, but not from the absent twin. Jamal… texting me, wondering why he hasn’t heard from me today, and seeing how my day is going. He knew where I was, who i was with. He wouldn’t press much.

Hed met the boys a few times. They didn’t like him, but they don’t like many niggas, especially ones who seem like they’re getting too close. The feeling was mutual on Jamal’s end.

He felt left by the wayside when Larry came around. But he knew I needed freedom, and caging me in would be the best way to lose me. So he let it be. We worked best that way.

I let the text go unread and unanswered initially, but I knew the jist of what was there. I guess Larry presumed I would answer it, because when I looked over toward him, his head was buried in his phone, tapping away quickly. I lingered close to my desk, pretending to look through my drawer to give him time. Once i turned back toward him, Larry threw his phone to the side. It began to vibrate immediately after leaving his hand.

“Answer it.”

“It’s business.”

Our words came out simultaneously. Larry rose up and made his way to the end of the bed, walking out of the pale blue room and closed the door behind him. I rolled my eyes, doubting business would have been ignored this long. I quickly shot Jamal a text, letting him know things were cool and we’d get together soon. I closed my eyes as “Good Morning” by kanye began to play, letting it fade into my high. into my head. Into me. —- Larry

The warmth surrounding me spread higher and higher until I tossed the heavy blanket off of my body, briefly disoriented and confused at my surroundings. My eyes burned with a combination of the lack of sleep I’d been getting and the bright sun streaming in through the window and directly covering my entire body. I looked over at the other bed, only to see Lau comfortably sleeping and unbothered by the head as I’d been.

My body was sore as I lifted up, and the dull crack of my joints could be heard through the room, making me cringe and smile in a weird delight at the sound.

Old pizza filled my nose and I looked down, only to see a box with crusts and a couple slices left next to a bottle of wine. The wine was for the girls of course, the pizza being by my bed had to have been my own doing.

Lau and I had one of the bigger rooms, just out of luck, making it the perfect post club party spot. With two days off from tour to travel, we went hard last night and ended up here to cap it all off.

Lau wasn’t too enthused to have the company, he had plans on bringing home a girl but we all nipped that in the bud. I on the other hand was determined to keep my dick in my pants for once, though a few of my consistent girls were definitely hitting my line as soon as they’d found out that the tour had landed in Glasgow.

I smiled to myself at the chicken wings that laid open next to the girls, as well as the many boxes of pizza’s that we’d ordered to have meet us back home after the club. My limbs felt like jello, but as vague bits of my dream came flooding back to me, I began to feel unsettled and uncomfortable in my spot.

I slowly and gingerly walked out into the main area of the suite, which was currently draped in even more sunlight than my bed had been. I smiled to myself at the chicken wings that laid open on the counter, as well as the other two pizza boxes and drinks everywhere. Ashley’s sweater was hanging over the couch, I’d have to remember to grab it for her.

I stretched, grunting once more at the noises my body made, only to see exactly what I had been looking for.

Right next to an open bottle of sprite sat my phone, all my rings, and my wallet. I shook my head, skimming the missed notifications and seeing nothing jumping out at me. Lau’s phone sat on the counter as well, charging and instead of leaving it in its spot, I replaced it with my own.

Just as soon as I’d touched his phone, it rang, and a familiar name crossed the screen, prompting me to answer.

"Lesssssss, wassup.” I said yawning and stepping out onto the balcony so as to not wake up Lau with my conversation. I knew it was fairly early and I could go back to sleep after this.

“Larry, hi, I actually wanted to talk to you.” I couldn’t recall the time change but I knew from the amount of energy Leslie had that it had to be fully into the day. it was bright on her end, and I could tell she had me propped up on her desk, as she clicked away at her computer and the different production devices she had recently gotten and taught herself to use. The drum machine to her left was specially recommended by me and purchased by Lau as a surprise.

Though they’d resolved that their relationship was best left to be open, as he traveled and avoided his own shit and she focused on her recovery, they still clearly felt strong ties and he would always be there for her. My brother had a wandering eye but he was always caring more than he let on. Especially when it came for Leslie.

“You call my brother’s phone to talk to me?”

She rolled her eyes. “You know if I called you first Lau would be mad at both of us for a week.”

We both laughed, she wasn’t lying.

“Listen, I’m about to send you the mix you asked me for, I added some kicks and I played with the last part you didn’t like.”

“Aww shit,” I praised her, feeling the vibration of a notification on my phone. I quickly glanced, seeing that I hadn’t turned my whatsapp off, and sighed, not seeing what I hoped it was. “Thank you. I gonna listen later.”

“Yeah just let me know what you think.”

“I will. How you feeling?”

“Good!” she replied. “Really good. I got PT in a couple hours so I’m just up, feeling ready to get some shit donw. They think I can get my casts off in two months!”

The excitement in her voice matched the bright look on her face and I couldn’t help but smile back. I knew how it bothered Leslie to be tied down to casts and wheelchairs. Her injuries weren’t life threatening thank God, but the road to recovery had been a stressful one to say the least.

“Two? That’s amazing!”

“Right?! I’ll still be in the wheelchair but just with soft casts instead of these hard ones. My rib is still healing but that’s going to just be a process I have to deal with.”

“Damn Les, I’m glad to hear that.”

“Thank you Larry.” My phone buzzed again and I quick glanced, noting that email that Leslie sent had made its way. When I came back to the screen Leslie had me on pause.

“Sorry, Aaliyah just hit me.”

“That makes one of us.” I replied bitterly.

“What?” Leslie asked. I sighed.

“Nothing, man.”

��What did you do.” She said with a hint of joking in her tone.

“Why you think I do something?” I bit back.

“Because you always do something.” Leslie said frankly. I cringed. I had really been out here like that?

Leslie clearly saw my distressed look and felt bad. “I’m kidding, Larry. If it makes you feel any better, Ali hasn’t said anything to me about you fucking up so I doubt you did anything too crazy.”

“She don’t answer my calls or my texts. I don’t get it. I only get emails from her for work. I even try to call her there, girl who answer phones there say she busy.”

“hmm…” she paused. “I mean she has been super busy lately. I barely have seen her.”

“You don’t see her much but you see her a little bit… and I know you talk to her. I don’t see, I don’t talk, and I try. Lau call her, she don’t answer him either. She know we don’t need nothing because we on tour, we not booked for too much but she only email us or text us for work. That’s it.”

“Larry she’s probably just busy.” Leslie assured me.

“She never this busy. Not to not talk to me.” I paused. “We don’t speak in like three weeks almost a month. I talk to her in Australia, and I don’t talk to her since.”

“Was it good when you talked?”

“Yeah, she go out with Tyler and I talk to her before she sleep. I text her in the morning, she reply "Ok.” and that’s it. I don’t talk to her other than for work since then.“

Leslie seemed to be just as confused as I was in the moment, which made the whole thing even weirder. Leslie knew everything that went on between Aaliyah and I and it was something.

"I don’t - I dunno what to say.” She said with a shrug. Her face empathetic to my clear frustrations, but I knew deep down that even if she did know, if Aaliyah had sworn her to secrecy, she would never tell me.

Briefly my mind went back to the dream I’d had last night.

– “Why you keep calling. What you want.“ I bit into the phone with my voice low. I couldn’t take Aaliyah, who was on the opposite side of this door, hearing me. We were at home, I was supposed to be taking a business call and here I was, answering phone calls I had no business answering. This was the last time.

“Damn babe I didn’t know it was like that?”

“Karina… you did know. stop calling me. I see you when I see you.”

“Baby I-“

“Stop that ‘baby’ shit!” I said firmly, sick of her shit. She knew where I was, and who i was with, and as a result hadn’t stopped nagging me, calling, or texting. I could only ignore for so long.

“Nigga whatever.” she said with a sigh. “frontin on me because you’re with that bitch.”

“Ay, watch your mouth.”

“NIGGA FUCK YOU AND HER! SHE AINT SHIT. WHEN THIS BABY GETS HERE WHAT YOU GONNA DO THEN HUH? AND ANOTHER THING…” I hung up before she could get started instead of playing her game. I refused to waste time hearing her shit, or getting pissed and having Aaliyah read me like a book.

I was already giving her enough drama with Karina having a baby, my baby, and Aaliyah, still working her ass off for us, and loving me at the same time. I was already sharing my time between her, work, and my extracurriculars. I didn’t need to give her more stress.

She always knew, even when I tried to hide it, even when she gave me passes. I broke the rules every time I could and still here she was.

I don’t want her probing… or worrying - not anymore than she already did. I would be done with it all once the baby came.

Plus, Aaliyah hates Karina. hell… I hate Karina. but she was so easy to be with. So was Jordyn. and Melanie… and Toya.

Even though my girls were having a hard time letting go, Karina was the worst of them all. I didn’t care though. I made a promise. I would keep this one. This time it was real.

Quickly, after taking a deep breath, I took the call with one of our promoter friends off of mute in order to hear about the upcoming gig Lau and I had in Nepal. It was so crazy…. living in and out of hotels, different places every night.

Home is where the heart is though right?

Home for now would be wherever I could lay my head.

If I had to pick a consistent place though, it would be here. This sunny home in the middle of the city… with her. Always with her.

I barely listened to the details, walking around, pacing from room to room and before finally getting back to the door I’d walked out of initially. Things were unfamiliar, but also completely familiar too. I likened it to not being here in some time.

Everything always changed around me. I watched the walls darken from a pale grey to a deeper charcoal.

After ending the call with a promise of an email, i stepped back through the door, candle wax and slight lingering smoke mostly from the blown out candles still flowing in the air. That, and her perfume. So distinct, but I never knew what exactly it was.

Sometimes, before I left town, I would spray a couple of her smells onto my stuff, just to feel her near. It was never the same but it was as close as I could get. It smelled like comfort. Memories. Love.

Aaliyah was right there, laying on the bed, eyes closed, vibing. I can hear her humming harmonies quietly along with James Blake, too zoned to notice me right away.

Her bed was floating.

Yeah. If I had to choose a home, it would be here…her.

I smiled at the thought of her traveling the world with me. Coming home to this every night. My best friend. I love her. In another life, we’d be perfect. I’d be perfect for her. Everything she deserved.

After everything Aaliyah and I had been through, we were here. Together but not.

I climbed higher and higher until I found myself right beside her, enveloped in clouds. I snuggled myself in closely to her body, mumbling into her ear.

"You know I love you right?” I asked, as she moved, fighting the impending nap that would follow soon.

I really did. I could deny and run and be with whoever but Aaliyah would always be the one I wanted.

I felt the bed rising, floating in the room and I smiled as the bed slowly shifted into the clouds we were surrounded by. The scenery had completely changed and I was at peace.

All because of her.

“You hear me, Ali?” I closed my eyes and breathed in her skin. “ I love you.”

There was no response. I couldn’t feel her under my arm anymore. I opened my eyes - stark white walls surrounded me and where she once laid there was nothing but cold bedsheets. - “I can ask you something?” I shook myself out of my thoughts, this dream wasn’t new. Different versions of it with the same ending plagued me for more than a few nights the past couple of weeks. “Larry I promise I don’t know w-”

“I think one day Aaliyah gonna get so sick of me, so sick of my shit that she gonna leave me.”

Leslie sighed, her mouth opening and closing without words.

“She gonna leave me alone for good you know? And It gonna kill her to do that because I know she care for me. But …you think she too good for me, Leslie?”

“What?”

“You think Aaliyah too good for me? Like she maybe deserve better than me?”

“Larry -”

“No, seriously. Tell me what you think.” I swallowed my stress.

“Yeah.” my chest sunk with her direct answer. “Yeah I do.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say or what even I expected to come out of her mouth.

“But Larry, I think Aaliyah is too good for everybody.”

I shook my head at her attempt to make her candidness better. “Leslie don-”

“Aaliyah is my best friend. That is my sister.” She paused with emphasis. “I would do anything for her and I know she would do anything for me. I’ve never met anyone who I felt fully deserves her because she’s one of the best people I know. Deserve isn’t the right word for this though.”

She paused, thinking a bit before continuing. “You make Aaliyah happy. Very happy. And I know she does the same for you. I see it when yall are together. You two have something very special and that’s undeniable. Anything that makes her happy is good with me.”

I took a deep breath, still silently pondering what she was saying. “Aaliyah isn’t the most transparent with her feelings but she’s… she’s so soft on the inside. She needs someone who can bring her happiness, make her feel loved and safe. You make her feel good, whether she would admit that or not.”

“She make me feel good too.” I said back quietly.

“I know.” Leslie nodded. “I know she does.”

We sat silently for a minute, both of us pausing mid conversation with the unexpected weight of the moment.

Leslie broke the silence first. “But are you ready?”

“For what?” I asked, knowing the answer.

“For this? All of this?” I didn’t reply.

I couldn’t say. Part of me definitely was, but another part still yelled for the free life I’d been living.

“I don’t want you to think that I’m saying this to sway you. You make her happy Larry, yes.” Leslie took a breath, picking up the phone from its resting place and holding it closer to her face. “You make her happy but if you’re not ready, you’re going to waste her time. That’s not fair to her at all. If you jump into this when you’re not ready, and you fuck around with her feelings, I’ll make sure that you never get the chance again.”

My words failed to find me again and she continued. “You two work together and she would never ruin anything professionally but off the clock, I’d make sure you never got the chance to get this close to her again. Even if that meant me losing Lau.”

“Leslie I’m not gonna hurt her.” I said, my mouth dry. “I never want to hurt her. I just don’t want her to leave me because she sick of wait for me to get my shit together. She too good for hurt like that.”

“But you did hurt her.” She said frankly.

“I know.”

“So then what, Larry?”

“I don’t know…” I sighed. “I really don’t know.”

#lt fanfics #les twins fanfic #les twins fanfiction #submission

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4jimin · 7 years

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hello there!! its me guys… so !! here i am, doing what ive wanted to do for a long time. it’s new year, the first day of 2018, and i wanted to take the chance to say some things.

i’ve always struggled when it came to expressing myself and letting my inner self out in the open, bc i didn’t like feeling that exposed, but if there is a thing i’ve learnt with the passage of the years is that one of the most important things in the world – if not the most – is sharing love and showing people they’re appreciated and cared for. so i may strech myself a little bit too much, but please keep up with me, i have never been good at expressing myself shortly :(

2017 has been a tough year. for all of us, in different scales. some of us lost many important things, from people to motivation, or a reason. we lost jonghyun this year and no words can express how big of a loss this was. i almost lost my grandma, and only i know how much this triggered a fear in me. it doesn’t matter how much we say life is precious and worth living, sometimes we just can’t see an end to it. a path, a destination. from what i know, anyone i know could be gone tomorrow, or even today, and the heavy realization of this sank on me like never last year. that’s why i think it’s so important letting others sincerely know their impact in our lives, it doesn’t matter if you don’t impact their lives just as much. that’s not the point of it. i’m sure you impact other people in a way maybe they don’t impact you. and that’s okay. we’re humans. it doesn’t have to be mutual to be real and significant. because in the end of the day that’s what makes all of us important. the things we feel and how all of it connect us with other people. happiness, sadness, fear, love and all kinds of emotions – they should be shared. don’t be scared about it. i swear you’re important, and you matter, you just have to believe it. please, keep going, you’re such an unique, precious thing to this world, and it would be such a loss to not have you. i love you, i hope you all have a happy new year, and – most of all –, so many love in your hearts that it feels like swelling and like it doesn’t fit your body ♥

to the people that i feel like having the biggest connection with in here: you’re so important to me. really. i love you so much

@jihope hello there you. it’s me again lmao im here to say for a billion times over how much i love and adore you, and everything that you are. i love when you talk so excitedly about the things that you’re into, and how you’re so passionate that i can actually feel all the love through a goddamn screen lmao i love how thoughtful and caring you are of your family, i love your relationship with your mother. i love how it feels to me that you can fit anywhere, talk to anyone. i love how it doesn’t seem like you’re scared to live your life, doing whatever you want whenever you want. i love how you always reassure how much you love me it doesn’t matter how i can lack sometimes. honestly, i love you so much it’s insane. thank you for being my best friend, i love you.

@c-cygnus tbh i feel like i love so many things about you i could go on for hours. meariie you’re such a precious little thing. i know you’re like a month younger than me, but i feel like you’re my baby and that i need to protect you from everything. i love how you’re always so bright and cheerful, melting everyone’s heart in a beat of a second. i love how humble you are, no matter how much fucking talent there is inside of you, you act like it’s no big deal when it fascinates me and so many other people to the core. i love how you’re pure, it makes me feel like the world is good and that i could just hug it all in my arms. i love how you make me feel when we talk and literally explode declarations all over for each other. i’m so happy to have met you, thank you so much for being a part of my life, i love you.

@tanktoptiger keila, i feel like i’ve learned so many things from you. i know you’re always proud to hear that – and you should, because it’s amazing –, but you were one of the reasons why i started to feel more comfortable with my sexuality to actually start wondering and questioning some things that i felt. i can never thank you enough for that. i love how it doesn’t matter the situation or the environment, you’re not scared to let others people what you think and how you see the world. i felt jealous about it, because i’ve always lacked on this part of myself. consciously or not, i’ve always caught myself wondering if i should speak up, if it was worth the time and strength and if it’d make others hate me. now, i can see that these things are not really important and that i shouldn’t let it stop me from speaking for myself. i love this about you. i also love how funny you are sometimes without meaning to, and how sweet you can be no matter how tough you may try to look. i love you, please keep being who you are.

@blt-prf hello, i miss you :( and i couldn’t let you out of this, because truly sfjnd you’re an inspiration for me. i still remember when i sent you that first ask, absolutely dying out of embarrassment and rambling my way out, because you were one of my favorite authors and i had to let you know, but then you answered so sweetly and followed me and i was???? wow life is good. anyway, after actually getting to know a little bif of you, i only grew more fond of who you are, and now everytime you pop up in my notes or in my dash i feel like mush (im serious sdjkdjf) i love you so much, i hope you know that

@sheloveskook baby :-( tbh you’re like a ray of sunshine shining sososo bright everytime we talk, and i usually get ??? h o w can you be so sweet and so caring all the time, you actually overwhelm me in the best of ways and every time we talk i feel like i could curl on a bed like a baby with you singing me to sleep and?? idk if this is weird but this is sincerely how i feel. i wish i could give you all the good things in the world like, a day in jungkook’s arms?? id give you if i could. i hope this year is like immensely good for you, and that even if it brings you bad experiences it is only useful to help you grow and become an even more incredible person. i love you so much i wish i could lock you up in my heart, :(

@m0chimchim bree, angel. you were one of the first people i met here and honestly what a great way to start my experience with this blog. you went away a little after i joined here, but even though i had already grown so fond of you?? and i don’t know how you did it, but everytime i thought about you i was worried wondering if you were alright, happy and smiling. i still worry but seeing you in here rambling about your day at times and all, makes me feel so good i could just hug you the tightest. i hope life is treating you well, always. i love you

@strongjeon give it up for the most gorgeous woman w the best make up skills, a queen. listen. i dont know if im too easily entranced by people (which i dont think so), but im actually so??? mindblown bc we have actually just started properly talking it has two days but i already feel so attached and comfortable around you, like we could talk for hours straight (like we already been doing? wow amazing) you’re so funny and cute and pretty and talented and i just get!! why and how you and isis got to find me interesting enough to join you sfjfkdkd but!! i also wanted to let you know that you can reach me anytime you want if you ever need to talk and just vent okay? i don’t know if things are still hard, but if they are i’ll give my best on trying to make you laugh and happy. thank you for being so supportive, you have no idea how much this means to me :( i love you

@pkjjm hello you the duo part of my squad goals sdfjkf i know you’re probably not going to see this until you come back but im writing it to you nonetheless bc?? i have to let you know some things. i always watched you from afar and thought “wow isis is so cool she’s so funny i wish we would be friends” but i was too shy to properly approach you so i kept on w this inside of me for a long time sfjkdn and now that we’re actually talking i feel so regretful that i didn’t try to talk to you before bc you’re honestly amazing?? you make me laugh so hard and i love how spontaneous you are, your facial expressions are seriously the best, and i love how even though we had never actually talked before, just interacted here and there, you still made me feel so comfortable, like i was already part of that group just like cami did. thank you so much for hyping me up 100% of the time, know that if you ever need me for anything im here okay?? i love you

@1taesgf if it’s not the bae of my heart, the princess of my dreams ! my little angel, i hope this next year comes full of good memories to mark on you, full of smiles to gift you and most importantly full of immense love to fill your heart just like you deserve. i love you so much, i always get extra hyped when i see you in my dash, i seriously do sdfjkdsh i wish i could give you everything you wanted, like i bet if tae ever saw you he’d be so lovestruck it wouldn’t take him a minute to be head over heels for you!! you’re so sweet and such a beautiful person, i’m always here wishing you the best and hoping you have the biggest smile on your face!!

@parkjiminer my long term other half!! i know it may be weird to listen (read?) this but cathy i feel such a sense of fondness towards you, like that one you feel when your friend achieves something amazing and you’re just sosososo proud even though it didn’t happen directly to you yknow?? i think id be your mom friend if we saw each other daily and regularly lmao i still remember when i found out you got into uni and i was???? so happy seriously so happy even though me myself haven’t made it?? i truly love you a lot and i hope 2018 comes to help you create and make amazing things, just like yourself

@blossomins my sweetest pure angel :( honestly my heart actually hurts from how much i miss you. from the way you’d suddenly drop by my inbox with random ‘i love you’s and ‘i miss you’s or how you’d cutely ramble about something on your txt posts or how you’d suddenly post an amazing fic leaving everyone?? amazed. i absolutely love the way you express yourself, it’s so cute and genuine and i wish you’d see this. jo, you’re such an unique beautiful being and im honestly so happy i was blessed enough to get to meet you. thank you for being you? i love you

@ggukbun airaaaaa!! god you’re seriously so beautiful in and out. i absolutely love when you go off about jungkook, its like the sweetest and funniest thing in the world at the same time sdgjsmdhfk also i think you’re probably one of the most aesthetic people i’ve ever met and i think this is absolutely?? wow goals. i wish you to know that i think you’re absolutely incredible and also so sweet it actually makes my heart go all :((( i love you aira, i hope you have the best of the years and also is able to fulfill all of your wishes

@bangtanroyalty oh well :( my loveeee, i know i randomly drop by your inbox to send you messages like this all the time but?? you’re such an inspiration, i see such a kind and powerful woman in you, it’s amazing how you look like you could kick my ass while also kissing my forehead sdhjdnf i know you’ve already heard everything i’m going to tell you, but i just wanted to reassure how much i love you and how amazing i think you are. i love how you’re always so adorable with everyone around you and feels so down to earth to talk with. i love you and this year better bring you some damn great moments or else im going after him to !! beat his ugly ass

@chuulove shoutout to the ever so good-looking bee……..a goddess………listen i’ve always admired you from afar bc i always thought you were so cool and funny and when you actually followed me i was so sfhfkfj how did this happen lmao but seriously bee i absolutely love the way you talk and how you make text posts and them go “adjdkfdhd” in the tags laughing at yourself, i think it’s seriously the cutest thing :( i lov your sense of humour bc it’s actually a lot like mine, so every time you post smth im always prepared to go just like your tags and “sdjdknshdk” but anyway i hope you know i sincerely appreciate and love you a lot and i wish you nothing but happiness

@raplinesgf gio!!!!! if for some in here i feel like im their mom friend for you i feel like you could be my mom friend sdhkjdb seriously you’re so kind and caring, and i feel like you’re always worrying about the ones around you but at the same time you seem so centered and responsible i cant help but feel a sense of proud towards you sdhkfnd i love these little things about you, and how you just do whatever you want don’t matter what others will think, like that time when you changed your whole blog instead of creating a sideblog to dedicate to that group you worked with just bc you felt so much love for them sjsb that day i started admiring you so much more bc you made me feel free to do whatever i wanted to, even though it wasn’t oh such a big thing. anyway i feel like you’ve taught many things without ever meaning to and i’m so grateful for that, i love you

@jjeonguk kyra :( as one of the first people i met in here i feel like you introduced my experience here so well bc seriously you’re such a sweet and funny person to be around, it’s so amusing to see you interact with your followers and friends, i always end up laughing by myself with the messages they send you shdjdj and i also love to see you ramble on the dashboard about things in your life or that time when u were tipsy sjdjkf amazing lmao but !! i just wanted to let you know that even though i suck at conversations and all this you’re seriously so special to me i want you to be so happy like you never felt before!! thank you so much for existing, i love you

@muchbetterbts the one who always comes to freak out about jikook with me in the chat, could i be more grateful??? ju you’re so funny and cute, i love when you’re going off about the things you love, sometimes you remind of jin when he’s in a heated discourse about things with the maknae line in that way he does and it’s seriously the cutest thing in the world sdjdkjd thank you for always hitting me up to freak out with me, i love you a lot

@lesbianblossomjimin the ever so loving ash!! god you’re such a source of inspiration – from rocking looks to fighting your way through life, i?? admire you so much?? i know i already went off and started rambling on that video you posted but seriously, you’re such an amazing person. i feel so encouraged by you sometimes and i wish the world could be a better place for all of us, it seriously saddens me so much whenever i see you’re feeling down or frustrated at things for being the way they are it makes me feeling like kicking everyone responsible for this shitty world in the face. but i feel so much better when i see that sea of people loving you and sending you incredible messages like “yes!! send this much love but also much more” bc honestly you deserve all the love in the world :( i love you, i hope in the end of this year you can look happy and feel at ease at all the amazing things i know you’ll accomplish

@clairelions my baby chichi :( i cant believe i didn’t get to meet you before, you are so incredibly talented, with all your beautiful edits with bright colors and cute flowers, i always feel so good looking at them!! thank you for always sending me cheerful messages and supporting me with your sweet compliments, you always melt my heart and make turn into a blushing mess. i wish you all the good to go your way in this year and that you can always see beauty even in the ugly places. i love you, thank you for being this source of warmth always

for those whom i don’t have the courage to approach, to speak regularly or even interact, or that i interact just a little from time to time: know that i admire you from afar like an idiot and that i love you a lot

@dulcetjimin ♡ @jiminkirk ♡ @taehob ♡ @jungkookio ♡ @jeonjeongguke ♡ @jungkookjimins ♡ @vanillalattaes ♡ @cowjimin ♡ @prettymochi ♡ @bwisan ♡ @taesflower ♡ @jwimins ♡ @nochuu ♡ @busanbfs ♡ @safejimin ♡ @orayanno ♡ @jeonbia ♡ @velvethoseok ♡ @harunyany ♡ @je0n ♡ @cutiepiebts ♡ @bts420 ♡ @caughtinjimin ♡ @jikookdetails ♡ @jikook-love ♡ @parkejimins ♡ @astro-child ♡ @berry-happy-tokki ♡ @dyegu ♡ @heyhosam ♡ @kainks ♡ @mochismile ♡ @yxxn-g1 ♡ @chimhyung ♡ @ddochi-jimin ♡ @yourpinkpill ♡ @jiminshugs ♡ @jiminslattae ♡ @hobiini ♡ @jjksamor

and for the two of you, who are always so supportive of me and the absolute sweetest: thank you, i love you so much, and i hope there’s only happiness when you think about yourselves

@haileyjikai @jikookaddicted

i know that in the end of the day this is just a blog, and most of us will follow different paths along our lives and are very likely never going to meet in real life – but nonetheless, i feel like none of this matter, bc i feel like it’s such a gift to be able to share so many things and feelings with people from all around the world in a way they become part of your daily routine. even though we may go different ways one day, i feel like i can never forget you guys, bc you all leave always such a great impact on me. bts got to make me experience a lot of incredible things – and one of them was to know that there are such beautiful people like you all in the world. i love you 💘

#my heart is open here dfhkf #cant believe i finally did this #i feel a lot exposed but thats okay bc i also feel happy #i had a lot of love to give to yall and it was kinda bottling inside of me #thank you for being here #i love you all so much #happy new year!!!#its still january 1st here!!!!#i mean its 11pm but its the thought that counts sdbmdhdk #appreciation post #okay im happy but im kinda embarrassed i feel like go and hide now #this took me all day sdjfkbsm #sorry if i forgot anyone #im actually so scared i did #im sososo sorry #i will go check later i need go eat something now shdjf #anyway im rambling right i should just go and shut up now #reposting this shit bc tumblr hates me

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serendibidibidis · 7 years

Text

Thanksgiving 2.0 but softer… & longer

(Back in November I did a really cheesy post about some people who make my heart happy. And today I’m gonna do it again because fuck platonic relationships not expressing love.. I have more to say.)

♡

@aomgworldwide this list is in no particular order, expect for you… lmao. You get the top spot, only because you supported me becoming an official blog. (You liked the post about the porn account reblogging me and I found it funny so here you are.) I know we only like interact through likes and reblogs really but I still love and appreciate you.. I always fan girl a bit when you like/reblog something of mine. Because you’re just damn. (Sorry I'm clumsy and accidently deleted the person who was right under you originally so I think the two morphed together?!)

♡

@mybrainsamess hello hi hey what’s up how are you?! I hope you’re having a good day!!!! And that you’re doing well!!!! Recently I took a test to see which house I’d be in, but it told me huffle puff I don’t think that’s right because I read the snake one (I forget the name) and that seems more like me… plus I’ve got lots of snake puns. So I was kinda dissapointed. But I thought I should tell you. Anyways I hope you’re doing well. (Also I still don’t know your name because I’m too chicken to break the bond of mystery you had so that’s why I haven’t talked to you I’m sorry!!!)

♡

@seungcci IF YOU WONT SUE I WILL. All though I’m glad we found a common ground, catfishing sugar daddies. I’m gonna take my half of the money hire the best damn lawyer out there and sue. That’s such plagiarism (I say as I deadass copy and paste answers for school 80% of the time) thank you for always putting up with me btw. I’m really overdramatic and probably a pain to deal with. So thank you for sticking through it so we can cry over the lack of bastarz songs together. I seriously love you more than ri loves gucci..

♡

@ssamdominic wow hello a queen thats met bts 😭👏😂 my idol an icon the true star. Thank you for being supportive on me on my other account. You were my first supporter and I know I’ve been lacking with supporting you I’m sorry I gotta get my shit together. But yeah I love you and if you don’t start modeling soon I’ll fight.

♡

@merlionmen hey there (Wow awkward) I’m sorry my tags haven’t been funny lately. I’ll have to fix that. However i hope you’re still finding things to laugh at because the world needs to hear more of your laughter. Not to mention wow your face is such a gift to this earth. I hope you’ve recived a lot more love!!!!

♡

@8bityeol hello 🖐 it’s been a while, are you doing good? I hope you’re eating well and staying hydrated!! I love you lots and I hope you have a great day

♡

@coffee-and-kpop / Kenna sorry I don’t know your personal blog and I’m to lazy to look (whoops) thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me you are so supportive of me and motivate me to do better. You want me to create content and you push me out of my comfort zone to write how I want to. I can’t thank you enough for that. Also good luck in Korea. I hope you find your boy and tell him to calm the fuck down. (Also remember if he hurts you I’ll beat him up) don’t let anyone give you shit because you look different. you’re a fucking babe. If they don’t see that it’s cause they’re blind. I love you so much & I’ll fight everyone who doesn’t.

♡

@coffee-and-kpop / Luna I also don’t know your personal blog and I’m to lazy to find it but wow you’re such a soft little bean. I wish I could hug all of your suffering out of you. Also I want that professor’s email address thanks. I’m gonna fight him & everyone else making your life difficult. You also have given me a chance because you believe in me or maybe because Kenna told you to lol but I believe in you so much more beyond your works. I’m proud of you and I love you so much okay. I’m always here for you!!

♡

@soul-less23 I’m so glad you’re back 🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️🙆‍♀️ (I’d continue the hugs but then you’d be the whole post and I’m trying to include more than just you my love) you’re such a beauty. First off. Your Snapchats 👌 I have to wait like a week before I open them to prepare myself for that cuteness!! Next up you’re trying to murder me (But I’m not complaining) you’re such an Angel and you tag me in such amazing posts and I could scream because God bless. I love you so much and you we’re like my first mutual and friend on this blog so I’ll love you forever.

♡

@jjeonguk A STUNNING ANGEL. WHO LIKES FERRETS what more could anyone ask for really?! I hope that you’re days have been going good and you’ve been feeling better. If you need a spam of ferrets hit me up though. Seriously you’re so precious my heart can’t handle it. I hope the world treats you gently bby

♡

@ludeere the exact deffination of “what a babe” tbfh. you’re a goddess. I’m so soft for you. Seriously you’re such a pure angel and I love you with everything I have. Like wow. How can you be real?! I’m speechless. Nothing I have to say is good enough for you because you deserve so much more. Please take care of yourself!!

♡

@namjoon-moon we communicated once in the form of Namjoon. And I fell in love. I hope your day is going beautifully. You angel!!! don’t forget Namjoon and I love you very much.

♡

@wonpillily hi I miss you, I hope schools treating you well. Please come back soon. I love you. Stay safe!!

♡

@smittenbyschmidt oh wow look who it is?! The person I’d fake my death for. (I’m sorry, I’m way too dramatic) first off you’re blog, 👌👌👌 idk what’s more perfect your blog or yourself because damn. I am utterly in love with your edits I wish I would’ve found you sooner.. I can’t wait for the day one of you’re edits gets used on a shitty gossip site and they think it’s real… that will truly be the best day ever. Also congratulations on submitting everything!! I hope everything goes amazingly well for you (I know it will) but seriously keep me updated!!

♡

@noona-clock I don’t know either one of you really well or at all honestly but, you’re one of those mutuals who we both interact through likes and reblogs and I feel like I could tell you I killed a man and you’d help me dispose of the body. (Wow dramatic much.) Like you give off such a warm vibe and I love the both of you to death. And your works are equally as amazing as you are!!

♡

@127hearts it’s 11:11 as I’m writing this and I wish that you never scare me like that again okay thank you. I just found your blog wow I’ve been missing out. But please continue to kill me with everything you do (Also if you ever actually started losing interest or anything know that I fully support you because you shouldn’t feel forced to do something for others) Anywhooo you’re adorable & your blog is amazing and yeah I hope you have a great day!! I’d love to be a friend of yours and I’m sorry in comparison to everyone else your message was kinda weak but I hope your day is as bright as Ten’s smile okay Ily 💕

♡

Wow I started this as 6am it’s now 6pm.

#i love you so much #my pals are the best pals #happy valentines day #please stay healthy #♡♡♡

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meandmyechoes · 3 years

Text

The more I think about my first romance novel, the more I find something odd.

[28th March 17:46]

I keep referring to it as a ‘favourable experience’, and there is no question the writing is what made me fall totally head over heels about quin tress, but I also just, can't?

I mean, yes. It's very passionate, dramatic, scenes and gestures I can only dream of. And it's all very bisexual and fantastical of me. But I also, don't really see it in that 'omg they totally belong together here are my sixty headcanons of them' sense?

I am very involved in the pairing, but also don't really, actively 'ship' it — like the way I have the ability to with Rhayme or Latts (since it's the same author that indoctrinated me to Captain Rhayme). I could imagine them being happily ever after and silly shenanigans and slow-burn. But the concept of a quin tress fairytale ending is so wild. I can only ask if this has to do with my personal view on relationships. Does this tie back to how I say the hottest thing a heterosexual couple can do is fuck (and the spiritual experience is emphasized with a same-sex partner)? - anyway, ace brain (probably) speaking.

I know the plot leaves little room for 'the future' and fed me well on all tropes possible. But, it just never occurred to me to put them in any other clichés or invent a missing scene.

Winding up, I don't think their relationship is 'weak', but it's very motivated by circumstances and once you take that out of them, you are a little bit lost. For example even during the illicit affairs month, I… can't really propose one date that does not seem tonally insensitive. (I can think of them being cloak dorks and Vos bringing her to ice-cream, that's it, after a long hard moment) Really, all I possibly want is that sweet, sweet angst and canon is already there so I have no complaint.

It's just… I don't really get why it has to be the two of them that fall for each other. I understand why they did, and I believe it— Perhaps it's much more a physical attraction thing that I don't really have personal experience with.

I don't know if quin tress classify as slow-burn because 10 chapters still seem a little quick in the grand scheme of things. (aside: I'm quite disappointed Ventress wasn't doing much in the last quarter of the book.) My point is, they do feel a little bit puppet to tropes, and while it's deliciously written, there's not much potential outside of canon. And that lack of inspiration makes me grimace a little.

[3rd April, 01:39]

I’ve scrolled through the dd tag and let the book sank a little. I am better articulated to talk about the sexist criticism now.

It's a romance story, and when I judge it by that (lower) standard, it ticks the boxes. However, it might be a weakness as well, due to the projectability of the heroes. And yes, the whole assassination is dumb. Yet, tcw has been consistently this dumb at us. The last two times when she's more rooted in the dark she failed, sent Savage and failed, so she's gonna do it again with Vos… after she put down her desire for revenge. right. ans surprise! Our "assassination" plan is to find Dooku and duel him directly. right…

I've read a review that says the romance takes away from the plot. However, the romance IS the plot. The book IS supposed to revolve around the two of them. I do agree them becoming begrudging allies then partners is a more unique approach, more rewarding as foils as well. but I guess a romance is easier for the convention to process ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

With the "Ventress lose agency in falling for Vos". Now, I can't dictate how each of us buy into their physical attraction and chemistry (or lack thereof), and there's no denial that a conscious human being is making that choice for the fictional character, I think the stance on this topic is really tinted by the above two factors, which are very different starting points.

I kept Katie. Lucas's foreword vividly in mind while reading. She said this is a story about people seizing chances to rebuild. That there's always a choice. Cliché as it is, I believe ~the power of love~. I believe there exists someone you're willing to sacrifice everything for, to overlook everything for, to forgive - to love them, warts and all. So, yes whether you think Ventress loses her agency to the romance, or if that's a conscious choice on her behalf, is swayed heavily by how much you buy that they are the one.

[10th April, 10:30]

So Mr. Partner has finished the book too. He didn't offer particular insights, but we discussed briefly the overall pace and bits of characterization. He did made me rolled with laughter describing Vos through a childish, tropey lens. Regarding the topic of this documentation - the quin tress relationship, I've been more or less really enjoying it as a guilty pleasure. I don't read romance novels at all, and this is tooth-rotting sweet angst.

Yesterday I’ve been thinking a bit more about this. I do love this ship, I just don’t believe they’d be two people who find each other again and again in every life time, in every universe. That’s why, as magnificent as fireworks, it also won’t last.

It's very nostalgic to indulge in a heterosexual relationship, and pair it up with taylor swift songs. If I have a boyfriend as devoted as Vos, I'd fall one hundred percent. And if I'm faced with an bombshell like Ventress, I would not be able to have any agency I swear. Either way, in my headcanon, Ventress is happily away on adventures with Lassa :3

To explore this, it’s not entire impossible for quin tress to separate peacefully after this incident, but would that cheapen the build before? The entire motivation of dark!Quinlan hinges on his vision of their future. And say, Ventress did saved him and survived. How would he balance being a Jedi and his feelings - that’s publicly exposed to the Council? (sidenote: i really don’t like Ch. 27 where a bunch of old men are questioning their love life, but uhhh yes, I’m a sensible person!) For now, I’m seeing another Obitine situation. And honestly how bad that an outcome is. It’s not like Ventress died for her war crimes! The show gave her a full pardon! So Idk man. Why can’t she leaves him because she loves him and she exiled herself and they never see each other again WHY NOT FILONI WHY NOT.

Now I’m lamenting more what could’ve been with the two arcs. In Filoni’s original sketch, Aayla and Maul were involved. Man, that could’ve been the dream. I skipped to translating the last two chapters and all the way I was just fuming at how stupid it was. There are difficult technical terms but I really enjoy voicing the characters. But it just takes away bit of that formality and Shakespearean tragic factor having them talk in my native tongue???? haha

Prelude: [12th March 22:37]

since dark disciple heteronormatively gave Rhayme and Ventress boyfriends, I'm gonna go ahead and sign the charter that says "all sw characters are bi"

which got me thinking, I insist that Quinlan and Ventress must fuck (and I insist they did, with the implication from when Quinlan "had seen her by starlight, just her"), but why didn't I think that way with Rhayme and her? Maybe it's because the story never pushed me there. I'd wish it indeed have more to do with I'm aspec than internalized homophobia (that I look down on everyone), but I also think, fucking is literally the hottest thing a heterosexual relationship can do? Every selling point, either be appearance or intellect, leads up to the ultimate goal of reproduction?

But oh my god, space lesbians, beating up pirates, sharing a wine, teasing hairs and finger tips. That's so goddamn romantic

[edit: i know that is an extremely skewered and unfair view, but i’ve met maybe, one, boy on my intellectual level. it’s a game of probability ok]

~~~

Part 2: [26th April, 15:15]

It has been… a month, since I finished Dark Disciple and I feel like it’s time to conclude all the thinking this book has made me do.

On the wider reflection about attachment and the Order, I still have to do more reading on it to form a concrete opinion. This theme won’t be touched on in this post yet, but I cannot shake how intriguing it is to compare “falling” in love to falling to the dark side. The temptation, and the submission to their emotions, the irrationality, the newfound curiosity, it all incites. Very curiously, it was Anakin. Skywalker who commented that one is “blinded by love”

Okay, so what I’ve been scratching my head off the past two weeks is how I look at the romance between Asajj. Ventress and Quinlan. Vos. How would I define it?

Now this is as much as an exploration of how I view romantic relationships. Well, I’ve decided it wasn’t “love”, it was an “affair”. It was an affair because it’s a rush of passion, it’s a secret, it won’t last. Before I chop my own head off for bluntness, I mean it in, of course they are hopelessly in love with each other, that’s the exact premise of why it moved me so. But it wasn’t a complete relationship, wasn’t a healthy, sustainable one by any objective standards. Then, that’s the exact contradiction. Oh to throw caution in the wind with you, or to build a future with you?

Both are things I want a lot, and the ideal is of course one after the other. What quin tress had (in the end) is definitely not something I’d want for myself, but it’s so fantastical, it’s alluring, just like the concept of falling in love - opening up yourself and trusting another person, is - it’s risky. That’s why it’s a sweet, sweet drug.

I’ve been so angry at all the red flags in this relationship. Reading this book, getting into both of their shoes, yelling NO like their best friends. But ultimately, what they had is unique to them and I can’t influence it in any way. Re-reading, I find myself holding myself back at all the places I was furious about going ‘You are smarter than this!’. Because it’s a tragedy, and the beautiful thing is they chose each other (I guess).

The other day something on the dash inspired me to really think about ship dynamics. I, unashamedly admit, I’m VERY into Obi/Quin/Ventress in any and all combinations. *cough* I will not explain further.

Aside, the elephant was I’ve never been in a relationship or felt physically attracted to any person in my life. I suppose that’s a reason it took some time for me to really buy into them more than friends. I do accept the premise and I did discover they share quite a bunch of traits, but it confused me a while what made them cross the boundary, and it was, physical attraction (that the book was selling so hard I was blushing hot). But what really frustrates me, not that I couldn’t invest into two paper people’s love story, but was why my body is governed by hormones so bad. I could say things I wouldn’t dare depending on the day of the month. I have to be honest, I love them both a lot, and I would like to date them both, and I can see myself in either of them. Again comes another contradiction, is it a good thing to have characters so easily projectable, or do I want to see myself in more complex characters like them?

I probably lost quite a few cars stalling this train of thought. This book brought me a lot of emotional upheavals and a lot of food for thought. It brought me down to reflect on my romantic worldview and sexuality because I have nothing better to do. It totally challenged me as a writer and it’s just a really good novel by its right, regardless of the absurdity that is The Clone Wars. It’s a lot of firsts for me. And I really should find something better to do.

#echoesdiary

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slyth4rin · 4 years

Text

dear diary,

a rather long entry because im upset

it's funny how i used to believe i was someone special— someone who was above the rest in terms of looks, wisdom and manners. mind you, i was more or less ten hears old when my parents put this idea into my fat little brain. however, as i got older, i realized just how useless i actually am. when i started to meet new people, i was suddenly hit with an unfamiliar scent— the stench of reality. one where the world doesn't revolve around my petty little ass, where i wasn't the star of my own show, and where i was just a normal girl going through puberty while trying her best to stay afloat and sane.

i knew deep in my heart that with what little talent i have, i could never keep up with my peers at all and, consequently, end up doing the bare minimum. my attitude towards everything took a massive dip and i didn't think i could ever suck more. i don't excel in anything. with music, i can read notes. i'm even confident enough to say i'm good at it. but when it comes to the things that matter in this shallow world we live in, i'm a nobody. i somewhat have a sense of rhythm and beat, but my coordination is shit so i can't play the guitar and drums. the piano bore me at one point in my childhood because all my relatives forced me into it. also, being compared to my sister in terms of musical prowess landed a huge blow to my ego (i wasn't good enough for them, i guess). i was scared to pick up on the piano ever since. singing is a big no as well since my vocal chords seem to be all over the place and the violin hurts my ears.

with dance and theater, i've never really got the chance to explore. i was sure i sucked judging by the endless class plays and mass demos in school so i just opted to cross it out of my list. i'm a lazy person by nature and subconsciously very proud; if i wasn't good at something from the get-go, then it's not worth it. it sounds more like an excuse than anything else but that's it. like i said before, my coordination is shit so i'm not good at dancing. i honestly think, however, i could improve my dancing if only i had a big room all to myself and full body mirrors just so i can see myself move and know what to fix. sadly, my parents and i don't meet eye to eye on that topic. my acting is shit too and i think it's because im way too insecure about myself. i care too deeply for what others think of me and don't want others judging me by how i look when i act (like facial expressions and body movements which actually look awkward). i hesitate more often than not and give a half-assed performance 99% of the time. i realized this long before everything else because i used to want to be the lead in old school plays but i couldn't do much. i was so self-conscious that my thoughts keep on eating me up. "what if they see my tummy looking extra fat today?" "did i stutter again?" "i need to look pretty no matter what".

when it comes to art, i think i'm ok. below average, but just a little bit past the point of actually sucking. i can't draw for shit, because i don't know how others find their art style. i can't do realisitc art like portraits, buildings and animals. i tried doing anime but i always mess up the placements of which part goes where. i can do chibis at best. i sometimes go off on shading which makes things less attractive and idk how to fix that. it's like i can imagine things but i can't put it on paper. my brain is somehow disconnected to my hand, and they say lefties are the artistic ones. with color, however, im good at that. i know the color wheel by heart and can mix and match colors better than most. i also tried doing digital art and somehow im better at that maybe because i can trace photos easily lmao. calligraphy is meh since my handwriting is ugly. i can pretend to have fancy writing but can't maintain it for a long time and just revert back to ugly letters.

when talking about literature, i think i'm pretty good though. i'd like to believe im decent at writing; my grammar and technical knowledge is something i could take pride in. however, when it comes to the imagination, like i said before, i find it hard to make ideas a reality. i can write my own ideas but have a hard trouble thinking of what comes next. poetry? i need to widen my vocabulary more. i keep on using repetitive words and my writing style has been the same for years—i want to change that. i want to go beyond conventional poetry and prose writing and discover new ways to make flowers out of garbage. precisely the reason why i'm watching old movies and reading classical books.

i suck at communicating and expression. i can't talk in public because, like i said, i'm too insecure and self-conscious to think properly. public speaking is probably the worst thing i could ever do because when i stand in front of a crowd, my brain suddenly forgets it has a filter. it's like nothing is there while my mouth just speaks whatever it wants to. i oftentimes feel numb and feel like a possessed person when talking to a crowd because of this. i'm doing my absolute best in trying to fix this since i have a passion for public speaking though i suck at it. i'm still too scared to talk in public but i'm taking one step at a time—big crowds won't be seeing me in the near future.

im probably proudest of my fashion sense though. i got over my "mom picks what i wear" phase and because of my knack for doing whatever i can with both colors and fashion, my style has improved drastically. i do my research on the latest trends, do my best to incorporate old trend to new ones and also make my own style while im at it. make up? not too much. it is a different topic after all and i'm just learning. i'm trying my best in learning and will probably spend more than i earn on this hobby.

in conclusion, i'm bad at everything. it's because i lack motivation to explore and try new things. i find it hard to escape the confines of my own little bubble but i promise i'm trying especially now what i'm about to fly out of the nest (hopefully). my insecurities are probably the only things i can't fix and i don't think i will even bother to. it just takes too much energy and i've grown attached to melancholia and the isolation.

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

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Therapy/Counselling Diary #9 (and some silly but blah but good bits)

Weeeeeelp. As usual this session was uhhhh... *blank blank* I literally blank loads while in the actual session and feel like I totally have to wing my responses every single time in a slight panic (probably cause I’m not used to getting up early and am lacking sleep, also because I’m just really slow in general hahaha ugh). I’m still dying of lack of sleep idk if I can write right now so imma write out some real quick notes to go off and help jog my memory later before I forget anymores. Phew, wracked my brains all I can, time to go laze around and zzzzz... Okay slept some and shopped some and slept some more, time to write! Just get the main things down hoo!

About last weeks attempts at helping at front of shop, I kinda just observed instead, at first kinda just sat and shrank down out of view and no one really said anything to me, though I’m sure they noticed me lol. I managed to make a short convo with one customer with some general small talk stuff like the weather, where you work and stuff (yay?!) and then totally blanked so hard and welp, awkward silence (not yay!). I’m glad I tried and even my dad was impressed because usually I try so hard to avoid being seen by any customers and just don’t talk much to anyone. Felt kinda good but I got scared a bit and didn’t try that much afterwards, boo.

On another day I stood around eating fruit and helping set up stuff on my mum’s phone and said hello and bye to some customers which felt much more sort of natural in a way. Like because I was already doing something and not just sitting waiting and doing absolutely nothing else but looking awks as hell and stuff, so the conversation (or greeting in this case) was just the secondary focus. But... maybe people felt less inclined to talk to me properly because they can see I’m slightly occupied, that’s kind of bad sigh... I mean I’m glad I tried more than once, though I know I could’ve tried much much harder but I guess that’s what this week is about *wails and flails*

The counsellor said that it’s fine that conversation fades out, it’s natural and the customer only spends so long in the shop waiting for their order and has to go anyways. Also the more you try, the more you’ll ask and get to know about the customer (especially regulars), the general small talk might become more personal and specific over time and your knowledge base of general conversational content will grow. You could even lighten up things with small playful jokes and compliments. Like with everything, I always forget you have to start somewhere, start out small, baby steps and the like.

When I told her some customers knew me, as they had seen me when I was little (yeah, wow, it was so nice being young and not so afraid of people then or afraid of being recognised I guess *cry*) but I felt awkward as I don’t know them, she said to note that they said it in a positive way and take it as a compliment that they actually remember you and to reply you could just say thank you or even joke it up a little. Wow, it’s easy to miss nice things when you’re all fogged up with worry. Most people don’t remember a lot from when they’re little anyways too so I shouldn’t feel bad about it. I usually just kind of do that little smiley laugh but the powers of awk are always by my side, my faithful sidekick that helps me do my ultimate awk situation special move um, yay.

I gotta let myself know that it’s okay, not to overthink and such as always. I did alright, I did good and I should use this to motivate me to try even more. Easier said then done huff, as usual I feel time and opportunity is slipping away so quickly. She noted that we only have 2 sessions left (that makes 11 in total haha how strange, I guess the first one kind of didn’t count maybe) so I really need to get stuff done so that when I am done seeing her and am left to my own devices, I’ll actually know what to do and won’t just stop trying and fall into the same slump as before.

When you try, not a moment is wasted because you are doing and you are learning, but if you don’t try then nothing is learned and then it’s wasteful. Oh! ‘Nothing ventured, nothing gained’ hah! As with all quotes I happen to remember, I hope I’m using it right lol. I’m gonna try commit it to memory some more along with the rest of the stuff I sometime think to motivate myself, my derpy mantras that I also often forget lolol.

I also talked about how I went out shopping even more lately, that I was getting even less conscious of others and the irrational thoughts in that kind of setting. Repeated doing of something it always makes it easier, ‘it begins to feel like second nature’ is the phrase she used. I still feel uncomfortable at times and worry a lot when out but it’s true, if you just go and get on with what you’re doing, your focus is on that and everything else fades into the background where it should be.

She noticed I had a bag of some stuff I wanted to return to a shop and she asked how I was going to go about it. I said I was unsure if I wanted to return it even though it was not right for me, because I felt I hassled the shop keeper a lot, and felt bad about it. But the thing is, the thing isn’t right for me so there is no point in me keeping it, the shopkeeper is fine with me returning it, ‘no obligations’ is even what he said (lol), they’re professional, their feelings wouldn’t be hurt, and that’s why I decided to return it.

In more hypothetical-ness I kind of said that I would say something like ‘the thing just isn’t for me, maybe I’ll come back another time/look at something else’ or w/e or maybe she asked what I would do in that situation if they wanted to be more salesperson-y and she asked is that really what I wanted and I was like ‘tbh no, I don’t want to look at anymore of their stuff, I want to go elsewhere and look’ and she was telling me to ‘stick to my guns’ and ‘be adamant on your first choice’ kind of thing and she’s right, there’s no point in me lying because I feel bad about it, they have plenty of other customers too and probably lots of them return things, it’s no big deal. There was some talk about customer rights and watching and learning how they handle things being useful to my own retail skill pursuits too.

When I actually actually went and returned the stuff (it’s shoes btw and they were uncomfortable, I keep beating around the bush about specifics again why why why? .__. ugh) the shopkeeper was totally chill, he has been every time I went to the shop and the refund was done super quick, no hurt feelings (lol seriously I don’t even know why I think like this, but even my mum was saying it feels bad with all the hassle, but I’m glad I didn’t let her words sway my decision) and he was still super friendly and reassuring (’oh no no, it’s fine, don’t worry about it’ c:). Tbh I already knew everything was going to be okay, it’s my sucky mind as always (and it’s just that sometimes diff employees were there instead of him and they were much less friendly and helpful, I was glad they weren’t serving that day lol, I hope that doesn’t sound too mean ack ><)

She talked a little about how irrational thoughts are totally normal and that everyone has them, it’s just that different people handle them differently and some people can become trapped in them while others don’t let them have their way so easily or at all. Also she asked about how much progress I think I’ve made and I said something lame I forgot and she said that she thinks I’ve done great and where I am now and how I am now is much different to how I was when she first saw me. She praised me a little more and told me I undermine myself a lot. I do see it too, I have been trying even though at times I felt it didn’t go right or wasn’t enough, but I have learned things and I have changed somewhat. Understanding yourself and your thoughts, it definitely helps getting past them and challenging them a little easier.

For next week she wants me to write down a recap of everything I’ve learned so far eek..! Writing down stuff irl is so hard for me, all the writing I’ve done irl so far feels really half assed and bleh because feelings and stuff and ahhhh... I need to get over it, just do it! I also have a sheet similar to the thoughts and emotions sheet but a with more detailed columns that I have to fill in (the columns are like: situation, feelings, thoughts, evidence supporting thoughts, evidence against, actual facts and you score how much you felt it was going to be and how much it actually turns out being). I have a chance to redo the small amount of last minute scrawl I did on last week’s one, I’m nervous gdi, maybe I should write this situation as the first thing... not really... or should I? >< I really need to get out of the habit of putting off and leaving things last minute @x@

Also another main main thing I need to do is to help out in the shop for reals this time, like physically doing stuff and getting much more involved with chatting. Imma dieeeee.... no no, I’ll be okay, I gotta do it! I mean, I can do it! The first few steps are always the hardest, just try your best, go for it, yolo! ^^” I hope I’ll have enough to talk about and write about next time, c’mon hoo!

In non therapy related stuff, I spent some time with my sis and her bf. Went to a big shopping centre semi-unplanned, unfortunately on a day where I was super ill (like gut cramping run to the toilet and die there for like half an hour ill) but I got past that and it was pretty good! I felt like a total burden, at times I felt self-conscious as usual, but nowhere near the amount I would have some while before or the amount I thought I would if I didn’t go. Ohh! Damn, maybe I should write this on that sheet lol this is a prime example of proving myself/my thoughts wrong.

I felt kind of brave that day, going out when usually I would have avoided it, I mean I actually had a reason to, but I didn’t let it or a lot of my bad feelings get in the way and the experience was useful and nice and something I’d really been wanting. I saw some nice things and took photos of some nice things too, I even found some shoes that were comfy but didn’t buy them... but there’s always next time! I’m definitely going again! Shopping is fun! Taking photos is fun! (even though I missed a few opportunities, but next time imma get em!) ^^ If only I wasn’t poor... but that’s what jobs are for and that’s my goal! All the more reason to be motivated about it >:D Somehow this doesn’t sound to good, but uh, whatever works! xD

I also went to my sis’ house and the supermarket some as an unplanned evening trip and did a little crafty stuff. I’m still working on the same project since a while back but like with everything else I’m learning as I go, baby steps some more! ^^ I still have to go to the post office again, I kinda avoided going today but imma do it all on my own again tomorrow. I also emailed some sellers online and asked about some products I was interested in. Sounds lame but I was chickening out on doing so for a long time, it turned out fine, was my silly thoughts and anxieties acting up. Phoned to ask about some post related stuff too (I can’t remember if I wrote this in the last post lol). I was trying to find a way to email to avoid phoning but there was no such thing and I thought, well just stop messing around and just do itttt! It was fine, I mean I awked a lot but at least I got my answer! I did it yay! More examples of doing and disproving my own idiocy! XD

Hmm.. hmmm this post, is it finished? LOL. I only wrote very few notes, but I’m glad I did because it helped me write and recall stuff. I’m a little sad I didn’t use food emojis and a bullet pointy style like last time haha. Ahhh ack! a scary sound just came from the wall wtf wtf wtf?! My heart just leapt out ahhh ;_____; I think I’ll go hide now... x^x No no, need to go do some useful stuff!

When I started this post I kept thinking of it as a chore and kind if wanted to skip out on it, but I did it yay! (Per usual lol) I collected up all that useful and motivational stuff and now I’m pumped! Man I’m so nauseous and I think my writing came out real ditsy again and feel like I wanna edit it to hell but at the same time I cba and want to do other stuff like artsy things that I’ve also been putting off like hell, I seriously have the energy and motivation of a rock most of the time. W/e there’s no need to fuss over the post, it’s fine (I hope lol) and it’s okay to have some down time when needed. There’s no time like the present! Time to go do stuff!

Have a noice evening! Go go! ^^

#therapy #avpd #anxiety #social anxiety #depression #thoughts #feelings #prove yourself wrong #nothing ventured nothing gained #baby steps #no time is wasted if you're always learning #believe in yourself #keep going #don't miss out on nice things because of those nasty little irrational thoughts #the more you do the easier it'll be #just do it!#yolo!#try your best!

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