#idk is this all insensitive? if it is ill take it down

[beemintty]

something i struggle with is my australian identity. it's a fickle thing, identity that's tied to your country of origin. now those who know a bit about our countries history, I descend from the english part of the country. my dad is first generation australian (his parents are immigrants) and my mum's ancestors probably came across on the first fleet as convicts (we think that was the case anyway). so i'm british pretty well through and through. which is fine but i'm honestly not very proud of what the british did here to this country..... they stripped an entire culture of their own identity and practically erased it completely-- the people and the tradition-- and we are still making up for the unforgivable actions today (as we should be!). so yeah my australian identity feels a little bit conflicting.

so here's the thing. i want to learn and experience the indigenous culture that was so horrible erased by the british colonisation, but i understand how far away i am from indigenous australians and their culture. but i simply can't be a part of "just another western culture" i need more than just being a westerner.... i want my own individual culture that I can share and experience with food and tradition and ART and STORIES! like i feel so lost in "just another western culture".

but here's the other thing. australia is so uniquely isolated in its westerness. even though we are a predominantly western society, we are different. we do have tradition. we do have food. we do have art. we do have stories. it just doesn't look like an old, rich culture, it's growing and it's still young.

i feel like i find myself envying my lack of indigenous identity and therefore having no time to this land and no way in to understand the marvelous culture they have. but then again i also seem to despise my part in the western world. maybe out of consolidation or guilt but maybe also just out of not feeling particularly connected with australia's western traditions. so i'm stuck in this weird inbetween, unable to identify with either culture that make up my country.

i feel a bit lost.

[onewholivesinloops]

Idk if its just me but i really hate irie kyousuke. He was introduced in the chapter revolving around satokos abuse, and was painted as a good guy despite being a creep. Tbh if you remove irie from higurashi nothing would change and would actually make it better

Yeah, leave it to Ryukishi to write a scene about Irie wanting to propose to Satoko and make her into his maid then in the same breath have a serious one where he talks about how he wishes he could adopt her to give her a life better than the one she currently has. It's really uncomfortable and I cannot stress how much I hate it as well... ...However! ...and please be patient with me here... Best faith read - something I think is worth noting is the fact that the only thing standing firmly between Irie and adopting Satoko is the fact that he isn't married and only married people are allowed to adopt children according to the law so it's possible to read this as him joking about this because it's the only legal recourse available to him.

That said, Irie jokes about wanting to marry Satoko and making her his personal maid, which is really insensitive to say the least because it's exactly why her life takes a turn for the worst whenever Teppei comes back considering he treats her as an object to serve his wants and needs above her own; meanwhile Irie is joking about such stuff presumably with good intentions and to lighten the mood. It's still stressed multiple times that if you put the nonsensical things he's always saying aside, his desire to help Satoko isn't out of malicious intent and he genuinely cares for her so I don't think that aspect is intended as serious. It comes off more as just him committing to a bit/trying to do a funny (though having Keiichi and other characters be like "Irie is a good person if you look past the pedophilia act" is still a major bruh moment), but I think all of this could be analogous to how Irie's lobotomies in the past were out of good intent and genuine desire to empathize with mentally ill people who end up committing crimes and save their lives after what happened to his father but were obviously very terrible ideas?

Anyway even though I can totally see this being an intended parallel I still think it's one where criticism of the execution is valid especially when this aspect of his characterization could've been conveyed more delicately without having to make such jokes at the expense an abuse victim. It's really unfortunate because when you remove this aspect you'll notice that he isn't a bad character at all especially in the connecting fragments bit of Matsuri. I actually really like how those flesh him out, but even then with all the love I have for Higurashi I can't really look past this and enjoy his character. I do appreciate how it's been toned down across adaptations especially in recent stuff like Gou/Sotsu and Gou/Meguri though. It kinda reminds me of some of Battler's behavior in ep1 of Umineko and how that can be "justified" in retrospect but I don't wanna go into spoilers about that in an ask about Higurashi.

[elytrafemme]

Now we move onto cstubbo! Who will be faster to analyze because ive already established some things here.

hes deffo an introvert! Like i feel like this is the easiest of all aspects to assign due to the simple nature of introvert v extrovert. While i do feel like many people lie in the middle between the two, when it comes down to it there is a scale and most people are on either side even if barely. 

Anyway cstubbo introvert.

Next is intuitive v observant. I feel like cstubbo might fall more into observant here. People who are observant prefer things to have one clear message rather than an abstract one, and they are very focused on the present. They are practical and deal with what is right in front of them. They value simplicity.

Okay and then comes the aspect i despise assigning the most. Like what makes someone thinking or feeling when everyone is such a mixture of the two?! Alas i carry on!i am going to be very topical with this one for the sake of my sanity. thinking individuals are associated with using the scientific process on every day life. What does that mean? Im not really sure! However at the end of the day tubbo=science. 

Okay ill think about it more. Those with the thinking trait are less likely to as others for help or opinions on their own problems. They find a discomfort in emotions and often will override their own emotions to have a more rational response or opinion. And yea i think thats pretty cstubbo!

Now comes the tactics aspect which is even more broad, but yea. This one is hard because the actual test doesnt take into account anything like idk adhd which would make it hard to focus on things. However someone with adhd isnt automatically someone with the prospecting trait. But thats just one of the many flaws of the system and im trying my best to work around that.

To be honest i think cstubbo might be more judging and here i have a reason. Throughout tubbos story arc we see him struggling to cope with the changes going on in his life, which are all valid things to struggle with. However he refers back to how he wish he was back in the weird little routine he had before. Or maybe im imagining things idk.

Anyway for that reason i think he has the judging trait. While he deals well with smaller changes or does good with being spontaneous on a small scale, those are all things that he mentally planned anyway. Like he mentally planned out how he was going to skip class to hang out with ranboo despite the action seeming spontaneous in nature.

Okay i realize i should have given reasons for literally every other decision before now but that would double the length of this and im too tired to do that. Sorry but youyfgsdyghkfdyugbksdfuygtkrueygt ya know?

OKAY SO cstubo ISTJ and then also turbulent because, well, stressed. 

Now lets take a look at the ISTJ description. Here they are called Logicians (on 16personalitys.com) but ima just say ISTJ

They are reserved and willful. They commit to what they do and have high integrity. They are committed to staying rational and grounded in order to keep up their practicality. Even in stressful situations. They respect structure and often find that there is only one way to do things. They are quick to own up to their mistakes.

ISTJ often holds other people to high standards and can be quick to judge. Theyre the kind of person to do a group project by themself because they want it done right.

strengths: honest, direct, strong-willed, dutiful, responsible, calm and practical, create and enforce order, jack of all trades

weaknesses: stubborn, insensitive, lives life by the book, judgemental, blames themselves

this website says that ISTJ enforces conservative values like who the hell thinks political standing is determined by a literal personality trait???? i dispise the romance section of each personality. and yea the whole *this personality is usually conservative with traditional beliefs* was in the romance section.

in friendships they are very loyal but they struggle with expressing emotions. they don’t like conflict and avoid it when possible. it’s common for a ISTJ to have an intuitive (N) person in their close friend group.

turbulent ISTJ need consistency for stability in their life however they often don’t know what they want. 

okay i think this description fits cstubbo better than the first description fit csranboo. so let’s look at another description!

Truity described ISTJ as,”responsible organizers, driven to create and enforce order within systems and institutions. They are neat and orderly, inside and out, and tend to have a procedure for everything they do.”

this description feels like it fits even less, but no matter! to get more results!! i’m going to take the same quiz as before but this time answering as cstubbo! which is actually really fun, i highly suggest taking personality quizzes as a fictional character! it’s a joy

interesting enough the result was ISTP! Truity had this to say,”As an ISTP, you are curious about the mechanics of the world around you and have a unique ability to manipulate the tools in your environment. You tend to study how things work and often achieve mastery in the use and operation of machines, instruments, and equipment. You seek understanding, but in a practical sense: you like to be able to put your technical knowledge to immediate use and are quickly bored by theory.

You are attentive to details and responsive to the demands of the world around you. Because of your astute sense of your environment, you are good at moving quickly and responding to emergencies. You are reserved, but not withdrawn: you enjoy taking action, and approach the world with a keen appreciation for the physical and sensory experiences it has to offer.

You tend to be detached and prefer the logic of mechanical things to the complexity of human emotions. Independent and reserved, you treasure your personal space, and want to be free to be spontaneous and follow your own lead. You are selective about your relationships, and appreciate others who allow you plenty of freedom to do your own thing.”

I think this, if anything, is very c!tubbo. Not sure about cstubbo though. I guess theyre the same though! I am still stubborn about cstubbo having the judging trait, and i’d even argue so does c!tubbo. Like both of them like spontaneous things they control, change that they individually control. But in the end both tubs are still thinking and planning in everything they do. Either that or I'm projecting again. Am i? I dont think so. Maybe subconsciously?

In conclusion, cstubbo ISTP-T and or ISTJ-T. Personally i like ISTJ more but that's really trivial I guess.

Anyway ima try and cut this short, I hope you enjoyed! I hate the myers briggs system but i will shove things into it to spite myself! Peace and love 

(3/3)

yeah cs!tubbo introvert that one is ez

i would agree with observant too! i think that one is the one i have the hardest time wrapping my head around bc idk if im observant or intuitive myself tbh but i do think he is a lot more like practical with things. he's a bit of a cynic and a lot of his abstract thoughts are actually just a lot of patterns repeating in his head -- a lot of his paranoias are kind of just. analyzing past patterns. so i feel like overall yeah

yeah thinking v feeling with tubbo's character is hard... he's deffo near the middle but i would argue a lean towards thinking as well. he's pretty aware of people's emotions constantly but when he makes decisions they are not really off of his own emotions, if they're irrational its more due to like his preconceived notions about something rather than a spur of the moment thing. so yep agreed on thinking here

truthfully i have no fucking idea what to decide on this last one. because the more i think on it i realize ranboo is WAY more judging like as i ruminate but i get here and i don't really know? on one hand i do agree tubbo has a lot of plans set out, but the thing about him is he's made a lot of moves to have practical plans, but a lot of these plans kind of include him just Figuring Shit Out. his plan to run away in a lot of ways as we see in the earlier chapters kind of just boils down to... i've collected stuff and planned for this but after this. well IDK. so it's kind of hard to say but i will tentatively go with J here

deffo turbulent. man has not the slighest fucking clue what he wants to do with himself

that first description is actually pretty accurate with tubbo! i mean as much as these can fit they're obviously broad and weird. the second one doesn't really fit that much LOL he doesn't necessarily seek out order in life he kind of thrives off of shit going wrong and getting messed up which makes him the exact opposite tbh. so maybe he IS more P than J idk

HM OK I LIKE THAT LAST DESCRIPTION TOO... Goddammit these letters are pissing me OFF okay. because like with his relationships tubbo also does like having relationships where he doesn't feel super tied down in a way? like if he has to make a clean break and run he wants to make sure as minimal as possible people give that much of a fuck. i have no goddmn clue maybe he's a perfect middle who knows

thank u so much for these! know that an owl has been shouting outside my window this entire time which owls usually arent around here so idk why he's here but yeah!

[seancamerons]

ill admit okay? i don't usually do stuff like this but i feel like i need to say something. i know lots of people in and out of fandom those who do or do not follow degrassi or other shows of a similar caliber or whatever but this has been on my mind. the hate towards fans in fan communities is sick, and a lot of people don't want to hear this, but that's is why I'm gonna keep this under the cut.

ok look, i'm not stupid, i know I'm not popular on/in any of my fandoms on my multifandom blog here on Tumblr, or my mostly art-based Instagram, but to accuse someone with big following reeks of jealousy of racism or whatever else is really reaching, and bordering on unnecessary and i can see right through it. it's lowkey embarrassing and pathetic and I'm feeling bad for this person because it's cruel.

i mean the person I'm speaking about will likely never see this, it's doubtful this popular Degrassi fan even knows who I am in regards to the fan community but in my limited experience with this individual, there's somewhat of a smear campaign against this person and I really, really don't understand why.

this person has been nothing but kind to me, but what this group has been doing has been causing unnecessary hate and drama. all we are are huge Degrassi fans, whether on x or here on Tumblr, and even on

it's rare if we are monetized or offered such privileges and gifts, even recognition from the showrunners, actors/actresses, unless by way of a cameo and other places online unless the fans are vocal or something. i personally don't want the platform, i mean it would be nice, but it's not required for me, or what my end goal is.

i'm protecting the identity of this fan because she gives us a mirror, but keep in mind, she is just another fan like you and i. nobody is perfect, sometimes we all say things in anger or whatever, but this person in their "receipts" has been someone who has chosen to speak, even offer an apology for their insensitivity. this person probably was unaware they were offensive, someone called them out it seems, and they offered a sincere apology as in these 'receipts'. the story is simple - these people want to be seen who speak out against this person, at least that's what i see from sifting through these receipts. i support this person, maybe not monetirily but i like their post/view their stories. i have zero issues with this person, do i wish i had friendships with people on my favorite show? eh, maybe, but my love for degrassi has nothing to do with being recognized. i write fanfiction, sure, but do i want them to read that shit? hell no. they'd be creeped for sure. as for fanart? eh, idk maybe they'd hate that shit. idk if you know but i don't follow the cast/tag the cast members because this is strictly about a fictional show.

imagine that though, being a fan of something and being accused from random internet people of being racially insensitive, fuck canceling people. i mean not sound boomer here, but there are better hills to die on or live on. being a fan of something there is nothing wrong with that, but trying to tear down people purposefully because they disagree is inherently going against what the community fandom is, and what it could be. i might be idealistic, but this person has written more than one apology and has been trying to do other right thing. i see more than enough evidence, bearing in mind there is always two sides to every story so I'm taking it with a grain of salt until someone tries and likely will fail to prove otherwise. i have a life you know, it might not seem that way but i do. i mean back when the fandom, known as the Degrassi Tumblr community, which since the show kind of ended tapered off if I'm honest, people would be warring over simple shit like ship wars and such, why can't we focus on the mundane parts of a show, you're reaching for what? a show targeted at teenagers. now that's what i can pathetic calling out fans who are probably just ignorant as you are on something entirely different. if i still believed half the shit i used to think way back hen, it's not cool to dig in someone's archives and find some stupid shit they said 10 years ago. like stop ruining shit. this person has again, changed their behavior is that you goal? nah. you want to see this person suffer because you're miserable. get a friggin life.

yo, even if it's my comfort show, I'll admit it might not be the best show ever to most people, it is incredible to see that one of us 'fans', got to have experiences we as an audience couldn't have. at least one of the fans got to rise above.

that being said, what more do you want from this individual? i am very aware this individual has a large following.

even though I've been a part of this fandom god knows how long, and i have literally not much to show for it, I'm grateful for having the followers, mutuals, and friendships I've made past and present through Degrassi in all of its glorious iterations. i know people aren't perfect, but sometimes this seems like a reaching thing. okay fine, she said something mean, I'm looking for where it's said? (idk if I'm misgendering this person, i know they're not interested in men) but people just seem to be grasping staws and not to sound like Manny Santos and screaming it's hearsay and jealousy based, sure this fan, who has reached some sort of notoriety through their extreme love for the show/universe, I don't want to lose this person in fandom over this. this person has gained a lot from this fandom, and i admire this individual throughout my time in fandom. i just don't know if there is 'proof' of insensitive remarks.

if she gets swag from the cast (pictures, artifacts, merch) for free who cares? She is allowed, it's not like she stole it, it was a gift. now idk what the hell Patrion or how cliquey and weird the whole discord life is ( i still don't understand I'm old), but it's not a big deal, racism is but the show is admittedly insensitive toward woc and poc characters, but that doesn't mean this person can't be educated or whatever not cruelly smeared online to hurt them and not help them or try to reach out to them and be like hmm maybe you said this, what kind of justice is that?

these groups need to seriously chill and stop making it into something it isn't, i doubt there's some conspiracy, hidden racism when this person has apologized if they were wouldn't they not offer a shred of digitniy? this person has tried to reason peacefully, and publically addressed, idk what can be done more. i have actual truthful sympathy for this person. i really like this person and they deserve to be treated with kindness, just as you.

i find that in fandom, whether in Degrassi or other shows airing now and in the past, things have been going in a good direction with shows inlcive and diverse casting decisions and progressive across the board, but the fans expect these people in fandom or even characters or even the actors who portray them to be this beacon of rightness and perfection and that isn't reality because no one, least of all random fans and stuff are really in their right element wagging their keyboard muscles to be heard by tearing someone down, i ain't on board for it, i wasn't then and i sure as hell ain't now, that's not why I'm a fan of anything.

assuming someone is racist because they are uninformed, uncomfortable with the subject matter, or ignorant (not in a derogatory kind of way), is not a time to bash, ridicule, smear, or publically denounce them but instead embrace them and show them what is going on. this person is kind of a public figure, they likely will be buried no matter what i said, or canceled among fans and that is truly shitty. even characters get destroyed for doing something 'neg' or 'wrong' whether they learn the lesson or not in the show, but this is real life, beefing over a possibility of ignorance without proof is stupid.

okay, i said what i said, i'm not really sorry for this. i'm probably gonna get hate for this, but you know what? fuck it. what's one more hateful anon? people piss me off enough said.

love always, brimi

also known as - a nobody degrassi fan with like 3-4 friends or something on tumblr

*names aren't used, but if you know, you know if not ignore and don't assume. remember from tracker from season 1 episode 5 - "there are two sides to every story."

[corpsegold]

ok so I started this therapy thing. And she got me to fill out one of those questionnaires like depression and anxiety. And she was like ok so what are your main problems then. And I thought to myself, idk, I was expecting you to tell me that? I went with social anxiety, because I’m coming out of a heavy drinking phase and drinking is the most obvious problem with my mental right now, and because afaict drinking is bc of social anxiety. She looked at the results and pointed out that actually I’m not that anxious at all and I wasn't drunk talking to her. I haven't been drinking much at all recently. Part of it is because my mood has shifted, but also I’ve run out of money. I left thinking about how actually its not social anxiety and that drinking probably started that way and then became about low mood, because its much worse in the winter. But I know that depression isn't the root of my problem. I have a strong hunch that there's something deeper that's wrong with me. I have this feeling that I actually WANT to be mentally ill. I don't think I'm actively trying to be, I think most of my mentally ill behaviour like drinking and being depressed are legit, but I don't think they stand on their own compared to other people with those problems. I can see from some of my reactions to things that have happened and been said to me that I’m eager to get labels, whatever they may be (some very much more than others I have realized) and given how I’m quick to take up and abandon various “ill behaviours” whilst voraciously researching them and the people who have them, probably none of it is genuinely legit as its own standalone problem. Recently whilst sobering up from drinking I had another realization which thankfully I can’t remember most of but it really got me down. Its something I’ve realized a few times before over the years but I kind of block it out? I’m not 100% sure, but I have this hunch. 

I basically realized how my problem isn't social anxiety, its being rejected. Its the reflection of failure. Its having to experience my failure and shortcomings and not have a buffer or a shield or an excuse. I’m starting to think that the reason I cant engage with hobbies, the reason I cant stand being around people, the reason I push friends away, the reason I have never gotten into a romantic relationship isn't because of strictly being paranoid (I’m not really that paranoid 99% of the time), or anxiety, or drinking. Its just all about being completely terrified of failure and unable to cope with it.

I avoid interacting bc its usually negative and I hate myself for it. I avoid relationships because I don't think I have the personality or skillset for it and it would blow up in my face and I’d have to actually face my shortcomings and I don't know if I would actually survive that long term.

I avoid my interests that are skill based because I will probably cry and panic when I’m not immediately good at it. I avoid making things because I can’t cope with not being as good at it as I imagine I am (or was). I collect disordered behaviours of all kinds and constantly make a hobby of thinking of myself as suffering from various mental illnesses because I want an excuse. I want to not be to blame for how I’ve destroyed my life and caused destruction to others. I want to be able to feel like life just dealt me a shit hand and its everyone else’s fault that this has happened.

Like don’t get me wrong I know I suck at lots of things. I know I can be a huge cunt. I don't want to be, but only because I want people to like me. I only have empathy for a handful of people, and its because I fear not being worthy of them or that they might hate me when I neglect or am insensitive to them. I’m very bitter about things my parents have done when they have actually sacrificed a great deal for me. I find it hard to feel grateful to them because I feel like I deserved that and more. Many of the things I’ve done that have upset or hurt other people make me feel guilty and ashamed but to be honest? I think its mostly because it reflects badly on me as a person, not because they're in pain. A lot of the time, anyway. There are times where I’ve definitely had some empathy, for a set group of people (that I’ve known a long time).

but for all I can admit that I suck at things, I struggle to actually accept that its entirely my fault or the result of my decisions. I want that responsibility to be taken off my shoulders. I want to be told that I’m not actually at fault or that I can help it. 

I think in the end I guess I want to be told I’m allowed to act this way?

I think about how my mood can flip flop- but really its not in the style of bipolar. I don't fit the criteria. Its just about self esteem. I go from feeling like I’m hot shit, fucking brilliant, “get out of my way before I run you over I’m the best at this and you can’t see it yet” because of some minor success or recognition, and then next thing I know I have some perceived (real or actual) small or large failure and I get completely distraught over it and start thinking I don't deserve to live.

What I actually should say to this woman in this therapy, is that my goal is to be extremely successful, and to be liked and respected by everyone I meet. I’d take just being wildly successful (fat fucking chance), but really I want both. I’d say I want to be loved and happy, but that actually I’m not sure I know what that feels like or if I’m capable of feeling it. I’d say that honestly, I think I’d rather be worshipped, if I could stand it without hating myself. I think the fact that I’m too scared to risk seeing that those things don't come naturally to me, or that I don't know how to secure them, is what makes me depressed and causes me to drink, or find ways to numb or distract myself, like using mental illness as a hobby. It’s what drove me to shagging over a hundred men in a few years (seeing how many I could fit in solo sessions in a week - the answer is 10 a few times over), its why I failed my degree (by not turning up), its why I feel shame when people bring up my treating them unfairly- but when they don't, and I think about it, I don't actually care, or I readily come up with a barrage of excuses. Because I want to think its not actually my fault and that I deserve it, or that its fine because one day I’ll be wildly successful and I’ll pay everyone back so I wont ever have to think about it or them again.

I learnt my lesson about self diagnosing. Its not about what I want to be told is wrong with me. I don't really understand the diagnostic language and I’m not qualified so its actively harmful to read deeper into it other than having a basic awareness at least at this stage. I do however have a strong hunch about what might be the root of my problems. Its why I doubt that I’m actually mentally ill, even though I might act like it. Its why I think I’m actually just a shit person. 

I want to be better and I don’t know how. I want to be nice to people. I want people to like me and I want to have successful relationships. I don't want to feel like a failure.

But yeah. I have a hunch. Its just a hunch. Its embarrassing and I don't know how I’ll handle it when they figure it out. I can’t hide it by throwing behaviours or symptoms in their face of other things. I can tell that they see through it and that something’s fishy with me. And I know I do genuinely experience these problems- like depression and drinking, but they're symptomatic of something deeper. I hope that the fact that I can recognize this sometimes means that there’s hope or that I’m wrong about this too. 

I dont know how to meaningfully apologize to people for being like this. 

My gut reaction when I start to think about how I’ll feel when I find out is anger towards my parents for taking my future away from me. That kind of confirms it in my book.

[heathhasthoughts]

I think I might have BPD, and I would like some advice.

I don't want to self diagnose obviously. But I have all the symptoms normally associated with the illness and I feel like the stuff is making my life really unstable and bad.

I am so insanely anxious of being left, like, I am so scared of my best friend (who's like, the only person I really feel is real) will leave or die or feel bad. But at the same time my mood switches so fast. I'm so angry and irritable, but Im also just so attached to them. Like, I'm trying to be patient and caring which, I do achieve sometimes, but a lot of the time I get angry and mad and stuff whenever they do something that for whatever reason sets me off. This is a problem because they're also dealing with anxiety and depression. I feel like I'm honestly not living unless I'm with them. Either mentally or physically they just have to be there for me to have any sort of motivation. Other then that every single relationship (platonic since I'm aro) has been a trainwreck, I'm so emotional and reactive and that typically makes people not like me. I sled harmed until I got into alcohol both of which I do because of stress and hopelessness and feeling bored at all times unless I'm with my before mentioned friend. My opinion of other people and myself constantly change, I'll think im cool and funny and then hate every detail about myself. Also with my parents, friends, even YouTubers I like or celebrities.

Idk it's just really weird to figure out.

I have really weird mood swings too all the time.

My deal is that:

1. I can't get diagnosed in any way (because of my parents)

2. I'm not gonna say I have it, I just want advice on how to deal with the symptoms and be a little more stable

That's it. If this feels insensitive to anyone diagnosed with BPD I'm really sorry, I'll take it down, I'm just really confused and would like some help.

Thank you

[thesecretattic]

I’m not attracted to him anymore… he has killed my interest in men, they are too insensitive, stubborn and intransigently rigid, I’ve been an asexual since 2017, I keep talking about my virginity but I’m just rambling out of competitiveness and also sadness or FOMO because it’s about how others perceive it not me and I wanted him to have some kind of realisation but everything has died down now, I’m not interested in him or anyone, I just have no source of livelihood and I’m ill 24 x 7 and there’s nowhere to go, it makes me more anxious and sick because my parents are getting old too and my family is not like your’s I’ve shared that several times, I have no one in this world so I know I’ll have to die soon cuz I have no other alternative and no one to get me out of this misery, no help, it’s not been a month or year since I’ve met him, it’s been almost a decade so obviously I’m not attracted/interested anymore… it’s natural. Besides I loved the 25 year old stylish young guy I’d met and he wasted those days on other people so no, I have nothing to live for anyway, that time won’t come back. I’ll again like to reiterate myself: I have had incidents where I’ve been very close to getting gang raped and that is exactly why I’m scared of living alone or living with a predator under the same roof and in India men only get married to buy a woman for life, they say “it’s their right and our duty” https://www.lilacnights.com/post/twist-of-fate I wanted someone of my choice.

This is something funny though…

it’s like one of those parody things that you see in movies 🎥 So I’ve never heard him (Harsh) I’ve never heard his voice, when I came across that clip from Maggie eww my phone was on mute and the speaker was also off, next, when he was once on tv (ie. right before I met him in 2013 before he fought with me) he was crying in that shot and I changed the channel cuz I wanted to watch Gumrah (sorry I was not into tv shows/fiction even on Channel V or MTV or any channel as a matter of fact) I had put on Channel V cuz like I said I thought I’ll get to watch Gumrah but he was crying or something (it was a fake cry :/) so I realised it was some other show & I changed it, after that when I was actually watching Gumrah in 2014 and he came right in the beginning of the episode (they would take different actors for different episodes) so I CHANGED the channel right away because of the fight, why should I give you any trp? I again didn’t hear him, then next (that same year) I had the habit of multitasking so I would usually listen to music while watching TV that too I would sometimes roam around or pace the floor so I would hardly even watch anything, again his ad came on tv it was some Airtel commercial where they would take actors from their own shows to talk about top up packs idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ again I had headphones on my ears and when I happened to glance there, I saw he was saying something and giving a thumbs up and he had an Airtel mug in his hand… but the noise cancellation headphones blocked his voice haha so yeah even when I was this close 🤌🏻 (looks more like ek chutki sindoor emoji) to “hearing him” I couldn’t.

Here is a ghost story from today morning…

I sometimes hear things moving around when I’m asleep. I woke up at 10:45 and I asked my mother for tea but since I sleep late due to all the convulsions I was feeling very groggy and sick again, my mother kept it in my room and she told me she’ll be in the shower. It had just been hardly a few secs since I’d dozed off when someone clapped in my room… I woke up and there was obviously no one around, no one enters my room, my brother was sleeping in his and my mom was in the bathroom which is not at all close to my room. Anyway I was recalling the whole episode when I realised why they clapped, my bad… sorry I was sleeping and my mother had already kept the tea, it would’ve turned cold but it didn’t help cuz I went back to sleep, luckily I woke up just in time before it could turn entirely cold and I drank it, it was just a single clap almost like “Psst Hey 👏🏻” my hands and feet are turning cold now I don’t have much stamina to write I’ve already taken 3 breaks & had 2-3 sugar cubes to deal with low pressure so I’m gonna end this here but I won’t leave without saying, my life has always been such I’m used to these things like ghosts and other entities ever since I was a kid, I’m not scared of them, I just don’t like them when they are alive, not all ghosts are bad but yeah all human beings are - Zara Sauleh

[mirabugtm]

A Rainy Day

Based on @sidsinning’s villainess au! I don’t know why it ended up angsty but it did XD

(btw idk if this is canon, so please take this with a grain of salt.)

It was a rainy day when the Dupain family heard of the queen's passing. The clouds weren't letting up, not a ray of sunshine in sight. Marinette peeked from behind the door as her parents read the letter, along with the carriage that was waiting for them to take them to the castle.

Marinette found it cliché, but she knew it was inevitable. There was nothing she could've done to prevent Adrien's mother from catching an illness no one could cure. The only thing she could do is be there for him. She huffed as she huddled to her mom, clutching onto her puffy sleeve.

She's torn. If she shows that she cares, would she accidentally change the story? From what she remembered, the Marinette from the book as pretty selfish and obsessed with her fiance. Even when his mother died, she used the opportunity to try to get closer to him, whispering that she'll never leave him. She still tried to use it as a way to win him over, a completely insensitive thing to do.

Why was the villainess so aggravating in this story? She didn't know.

The rain poured harder and harder during the journey. The small blue-haired child rested her head against her arm, watching the raindrops fall down. They were lucky enough that none of them went on her skirt. Her mother watched her as she tapped her finger against the door.

"Marinette," she called out.

"Yes?"

"Just be careful around the prince," she said. "He's going through a lot right now."

"Yes mother."

What could she do though? As much as she tried to be nice to avoid her death flags, she had no idea how he felt about her. Yes he was being nice to her, but could it be that he was just being polite? But then again, his smile seemed genuine when he was around her. She was torn.

-.-

The carriage came to a stop. Immediately she saw the scary lady in spectacles, followed by the gorilla looking guard. "Thank you for attending," she greeted as she bowed at them. Marinette avoided eye contact as she was led away from the vehicle.

When they were escorted to the garden where the burial was being held, the first thing she saw was the prince, holding onto his father's shirt. The king had his hand on the boy's shoulder, not saying a word. Adrien had his back turned, possibly staring at the coffin in front of them. Her mother pushed her gently away from her and to the prince.

With a heavy heart, she slowly inched her way towards prince Adrien. Each step felt heavier and heavier as the child contemplated over what she wanted to say to him. As much as she wanted to be close, she knew it would never happen. But he really needed a friend. But then again, was she enough? She was just a villainess, someone who will be irrelevant the moment the heroine shows up she-

Too late. She tapped his shoulder.

Adrien didn't respond for a while. She gulped when she tapped him again. He shrugged it off and immediately the young girl yelped in fright. "I apologize Your Highne-"

The prince turned around then. "Marinette?" he said letting go of his father. His eyes were wide eyed, his arms lowering to his side. Marinette took a step back. Did she startle him?

"Uhhh, umm…" She looked to the ground, her hands still up in defense. "Hello, Your Highness."

Adrien frowned when he heard those words. Then, tugging on the sleeve of his father, he whispered something in his ear. Did Marinette do something wrong? She could feel her body tremble as Adrien returned her gaze. "Marinette, can you come with me?"

Marinette slowly nodded her head as the prince reached out for his hand and slowly pulled her away from the scene. Marinette's eyes widened as the boy tugged her away from the burial, away from the crowd. She didn't even realize her dress was getting wet the further they went. "Um, A-Adrien," she called out as he continued pulling her further and further into the garden. He ignored her cry and continued pulling her in. She couldn't help but panic as the bushes began looking way too similar. It was almost a maze.

"Um, Adrien, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your loss I-"

It was then the prince stopped her. She stared at the child's back before taking in the sight. A wall of roses surrounded them, and in the middle was a resting area covered in vines. The rain was still pouring hard, and her frilly black dress was soaked in the misery. "Marinette?"

"Y-yes?"

He immediately pulled her into his arms, causing the girl to nearly malfunction. The rain continued to fall, a soft ambience covering the cries from the other side. "I'm sorry Marinette," he said, his voice growing weak.

Without even thinking, the blue-haired girl wrapped her arms around him, patting his back. "I'm sorry, Adrien," she whispered, her throat slightly closing up as she continued to rub his back in circles. "About your mom."

"There was nothing you could do about it," he said softly, slightly squeezing her as he hid sniffle or two.

"You… you have her eyes. And her smile."

She remembered when she saw him and his sickly mother, the way he smiled at her. The way he talked to her with light in his eyes. She remembered when he would go to the small piano in her room, playing songs that she knew. Love. It was love.

The thought of it broke her heart.

"She loves you," she said softly. "Even now." And of course she knew. Even with the little backstory she knew of the character, she must've loved and cared for her little prince.

Marinette felt him bury his face onto her shoulder. He was a bit taller than her, but it didn't matter. That moment, she felt a bit of warmth despite her soaked clothes. The two of them didn't speak afterwards, embracing each other as he cried softly into her shoulder, the little boy that tried to be strong in front of everyone. She softly patted his back, her thoughts wandering away from him.

It all still felt like a dream. His warmth, his vulnerability, his affection. One day, it'll be taken away from her.

She mentally shook her head. No matter what, she should never fall for the prince. Never.

Because she knew that the more she fell for him, the harder she'll break when she finally woke up.

(Once again, credits to @sidsinning! I hope I get to write more of this au, if you’ll let me XD)

[ghostietea]

Furuba autistic headcanons

With it being April, or autism acceptance month, I wanted to finally drop my list of characters from Fruits Basket that I read as autistic! This is based a lot on my own experience, as well as that of other autistics I know or have seen talk online. I hope some people can get something out of it, feel free to tell me what you think 😊, though please refrain from getting upset that I would dare suggest your fave is autistic.

Hanajima

Before becoming able to better control her powers, she would be constantly overwhelmed by the things she heard to the point that she couldn't even really go out in public. This reads a lot like sensory overload.

Constantly picked on in school because other kids thought she was weird. Eventually reclaimed this weirdness and turned it into a whole persona.

Seems to talk usually in a relatively flat tone.

Had trouble socializing with no friends outside her family until middleschool.

Has a very funny, dry sense of humor that I find very similar to a bunch of autistics I know, including myself.

Hatsuharu

Listen. You have seen the funky little man, you have seen the way he talks, the way he acts around others. He is, and I mean this in the best way, a weirdo. I do not know how you could look at him and see a neurotypical.

Once again, like Hana, Haru is funny in a way that feels very autistic.

Very flat, dry, tone delivery. Sometimes just Says Things that make everyone else go huh??? Suuuuper blunt. Doesn't emote facially a lot of the time.

When this man sees a social norm he doesn't get he WILL NOT follow it. Pierces his ears just because his hair got flak, defends Momiji wearing whatever he wants because sometimes y'know the social rules are just dumb and don't make sense. Especially dress codes.

Sometimes says things not befitting the current tone of the situation.

Represses (masks) a lot of his emotions, leading to outbursts that seem uncharacteristic.

His main childhood trauma revolves around adults branding him as "dumb" and ridiculing him. Haru, however, is super smart and wise!! Just in an offbeat way that not everyone may get.

Machi

Reads as very "flat" emotionally to the point that others would call her boring. Also has a flat vocal delivery.

Relies on specific habits or ways of doing things or else she gets super upset (her hatred of imperfection.

Has trauma surrounding adults completely misconstruing her intentions and thinking she's doing something malicious when she's not.

Generally behaves in a way that's hard for others to understand, one of her formative moments with Yuki was him saying he wanted to "see how the world looks" through her eyes.

Once again, trouble socializing.

Tries super hard to please her parents but in the end they still see her as somehow inherently "defective."

Listen. A lot of this one and the last two are mostly vibes, hard to verbally define. You just have to look at them and trust me.

Tohru

Displays behavior very reminiscent of masking throughout the story, a huge part of her arc is about how she hides a lot of herself and has a very controlled persona. I think it would fit very well if she had other autistic behaviors that she suppresed also it helps explain why she is relatively socially adept, it's learned behavior to make people like her more.

Yes she is very good at saying what others need to hear, but especially early on she is pretty blatantly imitating her mother's words. She only gets better at getting through on a more personal level later on (see her with Rin and Akito v. early series Tohru). She does this by relating her own experiences, a very autistic way of showing empathy that often gets us written off as self centered. The way she relays things her mom said could also be seen as this, and she even worries at a few points that she's being insensitive for going on about things like that.

While emotionally repressed she is hyper empathetic and feels other's emotions so strongly she cries.

Her speech patterns are all imitated from her father and she often copies verbal things from others (see Ritchan-san). Noted in canon that people think her way of speaking is slightly off/not befitting of someone her age. Additionally, her father was polite more sarcastically, while she plays it straight and sometimes takes things very literally or fails to get the message, indicating trouble with reading tone. Has numerous strange verbal tics, including saying parts of her internal monologue out loud without context.

Very expressive with her hands including waving them around and flapping them up and down.

Does have a bit of trouble with accidental insensitivity in social interactions, like how she constantly fixates on her mom and realizes that might bug the Sohma.

Has trouble paying attention in school since it doesn't have much to do with her interests

Her only friend until she was a middle schooler was her mom

Has a pretty unique outlook on things compared to others, people seem to think she's pretty eccentric. There's always a "this girl is nice but in an odd way, she's our weirdo and we love her" vibe.

Sometimes has an "inappropriate" emotional response to situations

Has a lot of trouble with change, similar to Akito. Which oh, look at the time, next hc coming up.

But first, a disclaimer. It is cathartic for me to read Akito this way, but with that reading comes the baggage that she would, mayhaps, be showing a more negative side of things... It doesn't bother me since it's a joint hc with other characters and she does develop at the end but yeah, general villain hc baggage. This is in no way me trying to excuse her being The Worst being autistic doesn't absolve you of being able to do wrong . Also, a lot of these points can and do have other explanations related to her upbringing, but things can be for more than 1 reason. With that said, she really strongly comes off as autistic to me, in a way that's sorta hard to explain. I wrote a lot more for her than the other, both because I felt I needed more to convince people and that this headcanon was more sensitive and I needed to be careful in my explanation. Also hey! She's my special interest within a special interest.

Akito

Shown to have a dislike of summer weather due to heat and brightness, could be due to sensory issues in tandem with sickness things. Also covers her ears when people raise their voice sometimes which is partially her trying to shut down opposition but also 🤔 can read a different way. She'd also avoids louder Juuni like Ritsu and Ayame because she can't handle them.

Wears pretty much the same outfit every single day. Said outfit is also pretty loose fitting.

Always seen sitting in a pretty unconventional way. Evidence:

Of course this is also the isolated in a cult thing and there is a level of her purposefully doing things to intimidate but: doesn't follow a lot of social rules (overly touchy with strangers, legit doesn't get that what she's doing is wrong, ect.). Repeatedly confused when people indicate she should act otherwise without explanation. Has a breakdown when this comes to a head and approximately says that "they" shouldn't expect her to know "common sense" if "they" never explained it to her, that the way that she was was her "common sense."

Often talks in a way uncharacteristic of her age when shown as a child in a more faux mature/pretentious way. Might just be the translation and idk how to explain it but her speech as an adult also seems off from what one would normally use in conversation. Additionally, when she tries to fake being friendly in her intro chapter, it comes of as extremely stiff and unconvincing.

Generally displays behavior that could be thought of as childish as an adult, but a lot of this behavior could also read as autistic (covering ears, emotional deregulation and meltdowns, ignorance of basic social norms, ect.). It's also important to note that she knows that this behavior makes her seem younger and more helpless to the older zodiac and uses it as a manipulation tactic. Has issues regarding people treating her like a child or only hanging out with her because of pity. While she does weaponize it, we can tell that this grates on her, as seen with her finally blowing up on Kureno, which is partially triggered by the maids saying some sorta infantalizing stuff about her. Irl, a lot of autistic adults and teens struggle with being infantalized for our behavior generally or treated as little babies that can do no wrong. Even in fandom, you see people doing stuff like jumping to call autistic adult characters, such as Entrapta from Shera, "minor coded." It is also common for us to have at least one bad experience with someone hanging around us out of pity. This is something that really gave me a similar feeling in Akito's arc. She's not a baby and she can understand and do better if she is given the chance to learn and break from all the freaky cult indoctrination she's been subjected to instead of just being constantly enabled. In the end, a lot of her growth is represented by her showing that she is capable of changing and being independent.

Shows particular difficulty with socialization, often sits by herself spacing out at social events. A lot of her fear is rooted in the fact that she doesn't know how normal relationships work, becoming overly reliant on the curse because she doesn't know how to make friends.

Clings desperately onto the notion of being "special" and in some way superior to others to be worthy and to make up for perceived inherent "flaws." It's the nd gifted kid burnout vibes for me.

Easily bothered by things that don't bother others. Feels emotions very strongly to the point of getting physically ill and has bad emotional regulation.

Relatively good at reading others in an analytical sense (though has more trouble when it comes to seeing how they feel about her since she's wildly delusional) but brings up her observations in a very cold, detached way and hurts people even on the rare occasion she didn't mean to. Has extreme trouble connecting to others and understanding their point of view. This makes her come off as pretty unempathetic even though that might not fully be the case. Also thinks that people like Momiji are trying to look down on her when they try to empathize with her. A lot of why Tohru can get through to her is that she manages to convince Akito that she's not condescending by relating shared traits and experiences. As I said earlier, autistics often empathize by sharing their own experiences with someone, and I know I often have an easier time confiding in other autistics because of a fear of being seen as lesser by those that don't understand me. I think the connection between these charachters and the way that Tohru manages to reach Akito like that while others couldn't makes a lot of sense through an autistic lense!

Additionally, when Akito herself gets around to trying to help others instead of just projecting trauma, she tries to reach out to the old maid by relating back to her own experiences. This however, doesn't work.

Has "cold" emotional reactions sometimes even to things that do make her upset. For example, how sort of calm and detached she acted after her father's death can make her seem uncaring. However, we know that this event did mess her up a lot and she is still (poorly) dealing with a lot of grief from the death of her father years later.

Copies mannerisms from others, the most blatant example is with Ren, who she directly parrots lines from as a child to Yuki.

Partly just her posturing, but gestures a lot with her hands when she talks. Also seen several times clutching her hands in her hair.

Deals extremely poorly with the idea of things changing to the point that it is a driving force of the story.

Does not understand when people tease her.

Ect. Ect. Ect. Listen, I could go on for ages but just trust me, the mean gremlin lady is autistic.

[cake-writes]

making the beast beautiful (one)

Pairing: Bucky x Reader (cheating); Steve x Reader (married)

Story Warnings: Mental Illness, Borderline Personality Disorder, Splitting, Clinical Depression, Suicidal Ideation, Anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Low Self-Esteem, Cheating, Angst, Drug Addiction / Abuse (Cigarettes, later Alcohol & Pills), Recovery, idk it’s gonna get depressing but we’ll have a happy ending!!!, Eventual Smut, 18+

Summary: Bucky knows the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. He understands. He can relate, because he knows. And some days, he still struggles – even told you once how low he’s been. But Steve? Your sweet, loving husband of a year and a half? No, Steve doesn’t understand. He can’t, no matter how hard he tries. So one day, you finally give up and give in to your most self-destructive temptation of all: your preoccupation with his best friend.

A/N: i know this is another wip SORRY but it’s literal word vomit because ya girl just really needed to yeet these sad bitch feels into outer space lmao 🤷 

Your addiction to him starts slow, like the creep of nicotine through your veins from the cigarettes that he offers you on the rooftop.

Not often enough to do any damage, you try to tell yourself about your smoking habit – or maybe what you actually mean is the amount of time you spend with him. Bucky Barnes. Your husband’s best friend. Your former teammate. Not that it matters, because from one night to the next it’s all you can do to cling to the one good thing you have left, the one ray of light– or maybe he’s the one last shred of hope you’re willing to bind yourself to like a lifeline.

And if it snaps, you’ll fall. 

Too bad the threads are already starting to fray.

And lucky, lucky you that you fall even sooner, because your reality has shifted to one shade off from normal, and you can hardly tell what’s right and what’s wrong anymore. You want to prioritize yourself because you know you should – maybe be a little selfish for once, to combat the awful feelings of self-hate that plague your mind, but you don’t know if that particular affirmation is driven by self-esteem or self-destruction.

You can’t tell anymore. You don’t know who you are.

You’re a mystery, a chameleon, borderline, and the only thing you do know is that Bucky makes you feel again – too much. He makes you feel things you shouldn’t, makes you obsess and overthink and daydream and wonder about what life could be like with him instead of Steve.

Because that’s what you do when you fall in love. You turn into that. A monster. A beast. A siren hell-bent on the destruction of yourself.

So, you fall. You fall deep. You fall hard. You fall fast, but it’s the savouring of the moment that always brings out the worst in you. It brings back the worst part of you that you’ve buried under layers and layers of trauma and depression – the clinginess and neediness and desperation at the center of it all, and every layer covering up the euphoria makes you cry because you have to hide it for fear of losing yourself all over again. Losing that feeling. Losing what makes you you.

You’re happy, now. Right? So why do things you shouldn’t do?

But you just can’t help yourself.

You shouldn’t have accepted that first cigarette.

You shouldn’t have texted him asking for another.

You shouldn’t have talked to him about personal things meant for your husband.

You shouldn’t have talked to him about the most personal of things: your husband. Your relationship. Your insecurities because of your illness.

You shouldn’t have – because Bucky knows. He understands. He’s been there.

He knows the struggle, the pain, the emptiness. He understands. He can relate, because he knows. He’s been there. He’s done that. And some days, he still struggles – even told you, once, how low he’s been. 

He might have a different slew of acronyms to define his own mental state, but they all spell out the same thing: FUBAR. And so do yours.

But Steve? Your sweet, loving husband of a year and a half? The man of your dreams, the one you’d married in the gown of your dreams, in the venue of your dreams? He’s resilient. And let’s not forget your wedding, with Bucky standing right there as his best man – the same Bucky who accidentally caught the bouquet you threw in his direction, because your aim was purposefully off to make him feel like he belonged for once.

Even before you got to know him, you always had a soft spot for him. 

And now? You’re fucked. Completely and utterly smitten.

No, Steve doesn’t understand. He absolutely, fundamentally cannot, through and through. Not for a lack of trying, though, or that’s what you keep trying to convince yourself. He supports you physically: makes dinner when you’re ‘tired’, runs errands when you’re ‘busy’, gives you love and affection just like he always has. You’re his wife; it’s his obligation. He has to.

That’s how you feel, anyway.

He treats you that way out of duty, not love, because Steve always has to put the greater good before himself. He puts your happiness before his own, you think. And he tries so hard – he does. And whenever he tells you he’s happy, you just can’t believe him because you think so poorly of yourself.

Why would anyone willingly want to be around you?

And emotionally? He tries so hard with that, too, but he just doesn’t know. He doesn’t get it. He never says the right things, only well-meaning insensitive ones because he hasn’t been there, he hasn’t done that, and he thinks it’s all in your head – that you’re just not trying hard enough, that you just don’t want to get better badly enough, because if you did then you’d be up and at ‘em already. Then you’d be healed. Then you’d be out of this funk and back in the field with him.

You’re not.

You won’t be for a long time.

You’re not the same girl he fell in love with. Not that he’s ever said that directly to you, but sometimes you think it’s how he feels. He signed up for a wife, not a child. He signed up for the you from a few years ago, now, not the shell of a person you’ve become because of your illness.

Ironic, considering what he was like as a kid, Bucky likes to remind you when you start to hate on yourself because of how you’ve changed – because you’re not normal anymore. He used to be so sick all the time. Then the serum made him right as rain. Don’t take it to heart.

Steve got better because of a miracle. Hard work and determination can only get a person so far, but it was pure luck that got him to the serum. You know that. Bucky knows that. Steve probably knows that deep down, too, but he doesn’t see it that way. All he sees is his hard work.

He lies to himself. He always has.

He probably lies to himself about his love for you, too.

So it’s hard to believe he’s happy. How can he be? You don’t bring anything to your relationship but self-pity and unhappiness. And how can you not take it to heart that Steve doesn’t understand? Your husband, the one who should be supporting you and validating you and making you feel like you’re seen, thinks you’re always throwing a pity party for yourself, thinks you’re just too lazy to get up and actually do the things you want to do, thinks you’re just not trying hard enough.

Come on, doll, he says. Let’s go for a walk.

To you it just sounds like, Walk it off.

Because he’s said that before, too. A hundred times. In the field, and out.

You’re not an agent anymore. You can’t handle it anymore. You can’t handle anything anymore.

Deep down, you’re convinced that Steve thinks because it’s not physical – that because there are no scrapes or bruises or broken bones to prove that you’re in pain – that your depression isn’t real. Not really. It’s an illness, same as any other, and he just doesn’t understand it because he can’t see any physical evidence of it.

Never mind the weight you’ve lost.

Never mind the bags under your eyes.

Never mind the crying spells, the dissociation – but then, you hide those from him the best you can these days. You don’t want him to see how bad you are anymore, because he just doesn’t get it. Because it hurts so much every time for him to look at you with those soft, confused baby blues and act like it’s not a big deal, like a little bit of sunshine’s a cure-all for your woes.

Ironic is right. The boy’s been to war and he hasn’t even processed his own trauma. Hasn’t even been to a shrink despite having two best friends poking and prodding for him to go. He’s in denial.

He refuses to believe that you just couldn’t get to the laundry today because you’re too exhausted from lying in bed all day. He refuses to believe that you couldn’t eat a bite because you didn’t even think to, too busy caught up in your own pain to remember, let alone care. He refuses to believe that you don’t even feel like you deserve to do anything good for yourself, so why even get up? Why bother? Why try to do anything anymore?

Just let the darkness take you away. Bit by bit. Piece by piece. And then, maybe one day you won’t have to feel anything anymore. Maybe you’ll just disappear.

Wouldn’t that be nice?

He refuses to get it, and some part of you feels like it’s because he doesn’t want to. Because he’s afraid to acknowledge that it’s true. That if he starts therapy like you did, then this could just as easily happen to him, too.

But hey, that’s his problem, not yours. You’re still learning to prioritize yourself – to break away from co-dependency and focus on your own needs for once. You’re barely keeping your head above water; why should you have to work on him, too, when he doesn’t offer you the same consideration? You’ve done what you can, and he just turns a blind eye because he doesn’t want to understand your issues. Or his.

So, you’ve given up.

You plaster on a happy face when he’s home – a painful, never-ending reminder that you’re not okay, and you keep your troubles to yourself. You’ve stopped sharing your struggles with the man you married because he doesn’t understand, and it hurts. You try so hard to act like nothing’s wrong that sometimes you dissociate, and you don’t come back to yourself until you have a cigarette hanging between your lips, lit by a Zippo engraved with a clever, If you want to make love, smile when you hand this lighter back.

Seeing the joke on Bucky’s lighter always brings you back, because it’s ridiculous. It’s a throwback to his army days; Steve found it awhile back with Bucky’s old personal effects. Makes you wonder what he must have been like back then.

Cigarette smoke and leather and sandalwood in the dead of night – and you always make a point to smile when you hand it back to him.

Temptation incarnate, now. What a dream he would have been back then.

Sometimes you text him when you and Steve have had another fight.

Sometimes he texts you when he needs you to ground him.

Sometimes the two of you just text each other for the hell of it. It’s usually related to someone’s mental health, usually yours, but occasionally not; after all, over the last few months he’s become your partner in misery and crime. The two of you have shared things to each other that you’ve never told another person, not even Steve; and in some ways, you feel like you’ve bared your soul to him.

It’s intimate.

In other ways, you’ve kept your guard up because you know you’re playing with fire.

It’s wrong.

You know you should really tell Steve about your midnight conversations – that you probably know his best friend almost as well as he does, now, but Bucky’s become a guilty sort of pleasure that you keep near and dear to your heart. He makes you feel things that you haven’t felt in a long time, but you’re not ready to acknowledge what that means. Not yet.

And neither is Bucky, evidently, because Steve’s still none the wiser.

Eight months of this and you still want more.

Your husband trusts you. He never asks who you’re texting or what you’re up to. You’ve given him no reason to believe otherwise. He feels safe and secure in your relationship, but maybe he’s turning a blind eye to that, too.

He shouldn’t. 

You wish he didn’t.

Some small part of you wants him to catch you, and that’s what you resent the most. You’re self-destructive – ready to destroy the one good, stable thing in your life in favour of an impossibility, but you can’t deny that Bucky gives your brain the dopamine it needs, it craves, it lacks.

He’s been gone on a mission the last week and a half, but you saw the Quinjet fly in the hangar earlier in the evening, around six, and you’ve been keen to text him since. You’ve held back for a little while, not wanting to appear to eager to message him – so you’re certainly not too proud of how quickly your resolve cracks.

You, 10:33pm Please don’t tell me you came home with Lucky Strikes again.

Bucky, 10:41pm Sorry, princess. Didn’t realize I was seeing royalty tonight.

And then he sends through a photo of a slightly crumpled pack of Lucky Strikes in his hand – an invitation to come to the rooftop. Judging by the setting, he’s already there.

Despite his choice in a particularly harsh smoke, you’re more focused on the pet name that has your face burning hot. It’s something he’s started to tack on recently – ‘princess’ being most common, particularly when he’s teasing you about being spoiled in some way, but when he slips it in during a real conversation is what really makes your heart pound.

You know you should tell him to stop. You know you should, but, you don’t.

You like how it feels to feel for once.

You’re married. It’s wrong. You need to stop, but you just can’t help yourself. You’re lonely.

Steve’s still away on a mission, which doesn’t bother you nearly as much as it used to – you hope he returns safely, of course you do, but you don’t really miss him. Not like you should. That’s happened more often than not as of late, and you can feel your attention shifting the longer you keep up this dangerous game with his best friend.

If it even is a game, that is. It’s probably not. How could he possibly be attracted to you? You’re depressed. You’re boring. And, to top it all off, you’re his best friend’s wife.

Of course you’re the only participant. Bucky’s just humouring you. That’s all.

And now, as you swipe on some deodorant and attempt to make something out of the rat’s nest that is your hair, you feel a particularly awful level of disdain for yourself. The self-loathing pairs nicely with your poor appearance; you haven’t slept well in days, and you’ve barely eaten in just as long.

It’s only when Steve is here keeping you on a regular schedule that you do. Otherwise it’s a free for all anymore.

Bucky never seems to mind – just encourages you to go do what needs to be done when the conversation’s over. And somehow, you listen. 

Sometimes he texts to ask if you’re doing okay while he’s away on a mission, too – and you always lie, because he can’t prove otherwise. He sends you a couple reminders anyway, because he just knows. He understands that you’d rather not burden him with the truth.

And then, when he comes back, he calls you out on your lie. He calls you out and reminds you how valuable you are – to Steve, mostly, and to the team. You’re irreplaceable. You’re needed.

He never says how important you are to him, but you always wish he would.

It’s stupid. It’s wrong.

You’re married.

Tonight will be no different. Despite your negative beliefs about yourself, he’ll tell you otherwise, but you won’t believe him. You never do, even though you desperately want to.

You’re a mess, so a beanie it is. You pull it over your tangled hair and somehow get your bangs looking presentable, at least; then you give your clothes the sniff test, spritz a little body spray just in case, and head out the door. You had a shower yesterday because even you couldn’t stand it anymore. 

That’ll do.

Fingers tap anxiously at your feed in the quiet elevator. There’s some mild jazz playing, just like usual, but your heart pounds inside your chest – only brings more attention to your nerves.

Bucky hasn’t been gone long, but you’ve missed him.

It’s stupid. It’s wrong.

You’re married.

After exiting the elevator, a short flight of stairs takes you to the roof. Once you start to push, the fire exit door blows open of its own accord; it’s windy up here due to the change of seasons, not that you’ve even noticed it considering you haven’t been outside in over a week. The fresh air shoots straight through your hoodie and sweatpants, and you briskly rub your arms to warm up, immediately wishing you’d checked the temperature before you came outside, maybe grabbed a jacket. You hadn’t even thought of it. Your mind’s a mess.

Hadn’t thought of dinner, either. Or lunch.

That’s when a heavy leather jacket is deposited ungracefully on your shoulders, and you glance up behind you to find Bucky standing there, giving you the look. It’s the one that pre-empts the lecture. “That help?”

You nod, basking in the smell of him – sandalwood and spice. Ah. “Yeah. Thanks.”

He knows.

He can tell with just one look that you’ve been lying to him – that you haven’t been taking care of yourself like you said you were. But he doesn’t reprimand you this time, or offer you platitudes; the disapproving look is enough.

Slippers on your feet, you pad over to the two lawn chairs he set up awhile back near the edge of the eastern wing; it’s got a nice view of the landing pad, but beyond that is the lake, and the two of you have come up here long enough to catch the sunrise once or twice. It’s nice.

“Good mission?” you ask, shoving your hands into your pockets as you collapse into your chair. It’s made of a terrible green fabric, seated low enough to the ground to let you curl your knees to your chest and cry when you want to. And you do. A lot.

This time, however, you’ve got your legs extended far ahead of you. You don’t want to talk about yourself tonight. You want to focus on him.

A distraction. That’s all. That’s what you try to tell yourself.

The other chair, woven blue and white, is where Bucky comes to rest just like always. You suspect that it was the cheapest one in the store, because it creaks and groans and you always think it’s going to break when he sits in it, but it never does. It’s also taller than yours, so you call him old man every now and then for it because that’s just hilarious.

It’s not flirting. It’s not.

Not even when you’ve nearly fallen into his lap on more than one occasion thanks to drinking beforehand.

“Well,” he starts hesitantly, pausing to consider his answer, “I made it back.”

His tone is soft – distant. Not a good mission, then.

“I’m glad you made it back,” you offer, giving him what you hope is a hopeful smile. It feels fake, but the intention behind it is real.

He studies your face for a moment or two, before he averts his eyes. “You’re probably the only one. I had to do some things on the mission that I—” He cuts himself off, then, and pulls the pack of Lucky Strikes out of his pocket to fiddle with. A crutch. “I don’t like to use my strength when I don’t have to. Makes people nervous.”

He’s told you about it before. By ‘people’ he means ‘agents’. Other agents. The ones he was working with, no doubt. As if his arm isn’t reminder enough, sometimes if he doesn’t hold back – well, they start to treat him a little differently after that. It’s a reminder that he’s not fully human.

You can empathize. “It’s a little shocking at first,” you remind him gently, “but you do get used to it. I did. It just takes some time.”

Of course, you also married a super soldier, so there’s that. You can’t really gauge what’s ‘normal’ anymore.

That’s when he cracks open the pack  of cigarettes – half full, which means he must have been smoking on the mission, too, something he doesn’t usually do – and when he meets your eyes, the dark, anxious look there turns your stomach to knots.

“Are you?” he asks, voice low and laced with an emotion you just can’t place – or maybe you’re too afraid to acknowledge that you can, and very easily feel the same way. “I could break you in thirty ways before you could even tell me to stop.”

Your brain halts like a record scratch when the clear implication of his words sends a jolt straight to your core. Not just because it’s true, the threat, but because of the dangerous way he’s staring at you, coupled with the casual authority in his voice.

He could hurt you so easily, but you know he wouldn’t. Not you.

He could do other things, too – something a lot less violent and a lot more pleasurable – but you don’t let yourself consider that. You can’t. Even if it’s what he’s implying.

Is it what he’s implying?

You’re married. He knows that.

There’s a long pause while you try to gather your thoughts, until you finally manage as evenly as you can, “Are you trying to scare me?”

Your voice is still a little hoarse despite how much you willed it not to be. He did scare you a little – not that you’d ever admit it, because he excited you a hell of a lot more, and you hate that, too. But you love it even more.

Your question makes his shoulders slump, just slightly, just enough to let you know that that’s exactly what it was – that Bucky was lashing out, in his own way. That he’s the one who’s scared. That he’s trying to push you away.

Why?

“I’m not afraid of you, Bucky,” you reassure him, because you aren’t. You could never be. Not like that. What you’re afraid of is so much worse than that – because it involves him and you, and you can’t make yourself stop wanting more of this. More of him. More of what he threatened to do to you – the underlying meaning you hope to god you’re not imagining, but you should never, ever want.

It’s wrong.

“You should be,” he responds, quiet, rolling the cigarette he’s half pulled out of the pack in between his fingers like he’s debating whether to light it, but he’s trying his hardest not to this time. “You shouldn’t be up here with me.”

The ball drops.

The truth that the two of you have been dancing around for months finally comes out, and you laugh – you laugh, because otherwise you’ll cry. “What are you talking about?”

“Darlin’, you’re—” he starts, and then lets out a frustrated sigh and shoves the cigarette right back in, shoves the pack shut too for good measure. Blue eyes burn into yours. “You know why.”

“We’re friends, Bucky,” you emphasize, lightly, but deep within your chest you can feel the anger, the anxiety start to burn and meld together into something entirely unrecognizable. It’s the tiniest ember now, but it won’t be if this keeps up. You know you’re married. You know that. You don’t need the reminder. “We’re just talking. What’s the problem?”

“Come on, sweetheart.” He’s calm, too calm, and it bothers you. “Don’t play dumb. You’re too smart for that.”

It’s just pretend. It’s not real. You’re happily married with Steve. You’re happy.

Right?

“That’s all it is,” you argue. “I’m married. You said so yourself. Steve and I are happily married.”

Saying it out loud is just another cold, brutal reminder that you aren’t. Just like the façade you’re forced to wear. 

“Yeah? You’re happy?” Bucky asks, pulling himself to his feet – and you suddenly realize how tall he is when he’s towering over you like this. You’re not scared, no, you love it. And that makes it worse, the way he makes your heart race like this. “Then there’s gotta be a reason why you haven’t told him about our little talks.”

Because they’re more than that. That’s the reason.

“Well, why haven’t you?” you shoot back, finally getting to your feet, too, feeling your face flush with anger. “You haven’t told him either. Why’s that, huh?”

Tense silence falls over the two of you as you glare at each other, the only light illuminating your features coming from the full moon. It’s a beautiful night, clear and chilly and bright, and you originally had hopes of maybe stargazing with him like you’ve done so many times before.

Not tonight.

He’s pushing you away. He wants to push you away. You know he is, it’s obvious – he tried one approach, and when that didn’t work, he went for the thing he knew would invoke a reaction. The thing that would hurt the most.

Steve. Your marriage. Your happiness, or lack thereof.

No matter how many times you try to tell that to the rational side of your brain, you just can’t handle it. It’s another rejection from someone you cared about – someone you felt yourself growing a potentially unhealthy attachment to – and he just had to hurt you like all the rest. He wanted to hurt you. He wanted to see you suffer.

You can’t stand him.

So you shrug off his jacket and shove it at him. “Take your fucking jacket,” you bite out. “You want me gone? Well, I’m going. Hope you’re happy.”

The way he takes it from you catches you off guard, blue eyes wide with hurt and surprise – but you don’t give him another second of your time. Instead you spin around on your heel and stomp your way back to the access door.

You’re not well enough for this. You’re depressed. You’re broken. You’re lonely.

And now, the only person who understands has thrown you away – discarded you like you’re nothing. Maybe because you are. You’re worthless.

Your fingertips just brush against the handle when you’re tugged back by the wrist, and then his arms are around you, his chest pressing into your back.

He’s warm.

It’s wrong.

But it feels right, and you hate how easily you melt into his touch, into the feeling of his lips at your ear.

“I don’t want you to go,” he whispers, and you’re done for.

The heat from your anger warps into something else – something that burns you up in a different way, and you swallow thickly at the feeling of his arms so snug around your waist. “What do you want, then?”

It’s barely audible, your question -- but he hears it just fine. Soft lips drag from your ear to your pulse, and you shiver, lulling your head back onto his shoulder.

“You tell me,” Bucky breathes against your skin. “I need to know what you want.”

The two of you are playing a dangerous game, and the stakes are only getting higher. You both have a lot to lose, but you’re the one taking the higher risk. Not him.

“I want—” His teeth gently nip at your neck and you can’t help yourself. “I want you—”

And then your back is pressed into the closed door, cold metal biting through your sweats but you don’t even notice, too focused on the feeling of his lips on yours. They’re soft and ever-so-slightly chapped, and his stubble scratches just a little, pleasantly, just enough to hurt in the best way.

It’s hot, too hot, god, you can’t handle the heat of his body against yours—

“Bucky,” you gasp against his lips, sliding your arms around his neck, fingers carding through his hair to pull him closer. You can taste with the barest bite of mint from his gum, along with the slightest hint of cigarette smoke, and you realize—

He must have been up here for awhile.

Overthinking. Wondering what to do. Lost in thoughts of you, perhaps.

The idea of it sends a rush of delirium through you, and you open your mouth just enough to let his tongue explore – or dominate, which you soon find you like very much when Bucky does it to you. His flesh hand cups the side of your face as he kisses the breath out of you, and his vibranium one snugly presses into your lower back – purposely, you soon find, because suddenly your knees go weak and your arms tighten around his neck to catch yourself from falling.

A breathy laugh escapes you. “Oh, wow. That’s never happened before.”

“First time for everything,” he teases, kissing your forehead as he steadies you back on both feet – and it’s then that the realness of the situation seems to sink in.

You’ve just cheated on your husband.

He’s just kissed his best friend’s wife.

There’s a prolonged silence as the two of you look at each other, watching, wondering, waiting, and then—

“We have to tell him,” you say, a little uneasily. “Just… not yet. Figure this out first.”

You can feel the desperation to see where this leads, no matter what a bad idea it is.

Bucky swallows. It’s clear that the prospect of lying to Steve bothers Bucky just as much as it bothers you, but you know he feels that same desperation when he suggests, “And if it turns out to be nothing, then…”

“Yeah. No harm, no foul.”

You won’t tell him. Because if it’s nothing, then it’s not worth worrying about. 

Even if it’s wrong.

Right?

two

and a moodboard I made because why not

[anxietysroomsupport]

Hypermobile anon here. First, thank you so much. It's just nice to know there's someone here for me. And to give a little more info, I have a serious problem where if I'm not currently in pain. I don't remember how bad it was. I know everybody does this, but my brain literally checked out as I was going to bed recently and I fell on the floor. I nearly forgot to tell my physical therapist.about it because it didn't really hurt. So, I can't do the pain scale very well, and I never remember (1/2)

(2/2) It just makes it sort of hard for pain relief when I don't know I'm going to need it and don't have the energy when I do. Also, on the vitamin subject, I know that I've had vitamin d issues before (bad heat exhaustion and allergy scares = going outside less), bad enough that I was close to being diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I'm not sure about the others, but I do know I'm not amazing healthy, so? I take calcium pills for the vitamin d, though. Again, thank you guys for all your help.

.

We just got a bill from my PT place that says we owe money that we can't pay. They told us up front how much it would be with our insurance, and my mom's been paying each time, but it says we owe 177 dollars. Sure, it's not a lot, but we're not rich and trying to send a sibling to college. If we can't get this sorted out. I can't just not go. 10 exercises I can do at home and 5 appointments is not enough to help a chronic disorder. I cant focus and I have practice in 30 mins. -Hypermobility anon

Same day but later when I'm feeling a little better (my director was very supportive though so that's nice), I'd seen the letter and heard my parents talking a bit, but my mom told be as we got to school for rehearsal about PT. I got upset, and I felt bad because I could tell she felt bad because she didn't expect me to be upset, and in the heat of the moment I said "chronic illness" in front of my mom for the first time. She loudly (not quite yelling) (1/?) - Hypermobility anon

said to me "That is the most self-pitying thing I've ever heard. Chronic illnesses are like cancer". Sure, I probably should've said disorder and not illness, but I'm scientifically right. Then I said "It is, it's chronic pain, I am always in pain" and she said "Well then clearly PT isn't helping anyway" - I??? When I went in after 15 minutes after another girl, since we were both there for an hour and a half, I decided to stop trying too much to hide my crying (useful masks) (2/?) -HSD anon

since the other girl was in the hall to eat, and when I managed to explain to the director, she was understanding and nice, and when I said chronic, she said that I should never have to live with that, especially at my age. And when I mentioned not being able to sing at that moment from my crying, she pointed out how I was singing an empowering song that was about standing against the bad stuff in life, and I was perfect for it. I know my mom was just mad, but it just drained me.

Sorry I keep sending asks so often, I just feel like telling someone this. I decided to put 'zebra' in my bio. It's a thing that people with EDS and HSD sometimes like to call themselves. I like it, so even though I just have my name and pronouns, plus a random joke, in my bio, I added it. It just feels like a step in the right direction to remembering that I don't need google to tell me I'm dealing with this every 5 minutes. Accepting it, I guess. :) -HSD anon

.

My sleep schedule just keeps getting worse and I think it's my ADHD combined busy days and pain but I just never want to sleep anymore. I can't, I don't want to, and it hurts physically and mentally to just lie there and see if I can fall asleep. 80% sure my circadian rhythm changed to sleep at about 2 am but I get up at 7 and have a chronic disorder that's getting worse because of this I *need sleep*. And I'm so scared I'll mess up, want to make a side blog for it but want to make one (1/2)

for something happy first because I always figured that if I had side blogs they would be ask blogs or for fandoms or whatever. But I got a little better at not caring what other people think, so I haven't really needed one for fandom. But I looked through the tag and felt so comforted by some of the stuff that I just think it would help me. Maybe I'm just extra bad tonight because I went outside but also talked about it a fair amount with a friend I hadn't seen recently who didn't know. -HSD

.

I wanna talk to my physical therapist about hip braces because I tried a knee one we have and it honestly helps, but my hips are worst so I wanna see if it would help, but they're pretty expensive. It's hard to find dual hip braces, from what I've seen in my research, and even though one more than the other, both cause me issues. Idk, I'm conflicted, because it could help but is it worth all the effort? Also, even if it's under clothing it's still physical evidence (1/2) -HSD anon

(2/2) of my "invisible" disorder. Also, stopping exercises for a few days because of not feeling well from my covid shot reminded me of just how much time I spend on them, so it's another thing to deal with this. . . Idk, sometimes I just wonder if it would be better to just deal with it. I still have pain anyway, though it might be a little better. Less often, maybe? I don't really remember. It's not stressing at the front of my mind all the time, but the back of it. I'm just conflicted. -HSD

.

HSD anon here, idk if I mentioned it in an ask already, but recently I had a small breakdown because I was watching something where a character was in a car accident, as was trying to push through having trouble walking even with a hip brace. After a minute, I registered it and just thought "That could be my future". My joints had already been acting up and then they got worse, so I don't know if it was cause and effect? But I don't exactly know what to call it other than a trigger. (1/2)

Physical and emotional effect, at least I'm assuming on physical because I've had a bad reaction to something similar before, but like, I don't have trauma, I think it's more fear of the future. And I don't want to use trigger incorrectly, it's insensitive to those who actually have triggers. I'm just so confused.

Forgot to sign the last ask with 2/2 and HSD, whoops.

.

Hfnsiwk I'm not ready to walk into PT tomorrow and say that I don't think months of PT have been helping but I have no way to be completely sure because for all I know it's the weather since this is the first year I've known/it's been noticeable. Maybe it's just change, I don't know, but it just feels like such a waste of time if it really didn't help. Plus, I'd stop, and while that'd be great, I do enjoy being stronger, even if it didn't help pain. I have 12 hours and a bad pain day idek. -HSD

.

Hi Hypermobility Anon,

I think I found all your asks and got them in the correct order.  And found your last ask!

I’m so glad you kept writing in.  I think you should go ahead and make your side blog - you definitely have enough material for it.  Wanting to make a happy side blog also is a great goal to have, but if you don’t know what it will be yet, don’t let that prevent you from doing something you know you want to do and that will probably help you.  

You are dealing with So. Much.  Your mom especially sounds like she just is not ready to accept the situation.  It’s not self-pity to state your actual conditions.  It’s just reality.  

Forgetting about pain is normal, and really all you can do is try to write it down or make some kind of note about it in the moment or immediately after, so you can refer to it later.  Maybe you can track your pain events in your phone notes.

I think your idea to add “zebra” to your bio is a good one, this is part of your life and just something you have to deal with.  It sounds like you’re finding a community for this.  

Sleep schedules are tricky, and feeling like you desperately need to sleep can make it so stressful that it starts a vicious little cycle.  Some strategies to get around this are First, remember that just resting is okay and helpful too, even if you don’t fall asleep.  Letting your body lay there to rest is good for you.  

Second, if you’ve spent several minutes laying down without falling asleep, its okay to get up and walk around, or any small light exercise that’s comfortable for you.  The goal with this one is to get out of the bed for a bit.  It will help your brain to re-learn that the bed is for sleeping only, not for laying awake.  That association can help signal to your brain to start its sleep-process when you get into bed at night.

Third, it’s really common to have a changing circadian rhythm during your teens and twenties.  That’s just a thing that happens and you can’t do much about it, so just try not to worry too much.  Sleep when it feels right and when you can, instead of trying to force yourself to sleep when you’re “supposed” to.  

If hip braces would help you, you should definitely at least mention it to your physical therapist.  You might research online for any used ones as well.  A physical sign that you have pain can have good and bad consequences, but I think the good consequence of being in less pain far outweighs any others.

The triggering event you described is not so much a trigger as it is just a genuinely really upsetting situation.  You related really strongly to the character you were watching, because they’re dealing with similar problems to you, and to problems you could have in the future.  It’s a lot to process.  But while you could potentially be in a car accident, remember that television is made to dramatize events and probably made it seem a lot more difficult and scary than it really would be.   

Since we know you sometimes forget your pain, it’s safe to say that the exercises are helping you manage it, and you say that they’ve made you stronger in general.  Those are good things, and I would recommend you continue the exercises you can do on your own even if you end of ending  your physical therapy sessions.  We don’t know yet if your pain might have gotten even worse without therapy.  You’ll have to find that out on your own if you stop exercising, and then decide whether it’s more worth it to you to continue exercising or to live with the pain.  Whichever you choose, it’s Your choice, Your body.  Take care of yourself. <3

-bun

[akari-hope]

I feel like being transparent about your trauma for any reason with innumerable strangers on the internet is inherently deeply unhealthy. I know it’s been very normalized but the fact that people think it’s ok are the ones who need help the most. You shouldn’t be okay with spilling your innermost demons to complete strangers in the name of “honesty” or whatever. I feel like it doesn’t make someone brave, it makes them sad and maladaptive & normalizing it is kind of pathetic imo.

soooooooo bc you're coming at this genuinely, i'm gonna engage genuinely, but please know that calling maladaptive behavior that stems from trauma "sad" and "pathetic" is a little...insensitive to say the least. you can call it maladaptive and unhealthy by all means, but more insulting language should be reconsidered. idk if you're coming at this from an outsider's or insider's perspective on trauma, but either way your experiences and thoughts and feelings are not universal and i encourage you to think about that a bit before passing judgment on others.

there's nuance here. i agree with you to a point - that giving deeply personal information can be unhealthy and unsafe, and dumping trauma onto strangers can be harmful to them and oneself. however, there's something to be said for having an honest dialogue.

having open and vulnerable conversations can really be beneficial to many; not just the individual sharing, but to people who are struggling as well. mental illness, especially that stemming from trauma, is still highly stigmatized, and having constructive conversations about it in a more public forum does more good than not. especially when you take a step back and remember that it is almost exclusively online that these open dialogues are able to happen. a lot of people don't have access to mental health resources irl, and while i do NOT recommend getting all your info on it from the internet (esp not tumblr), it can still be beneficial to see people having those honest conversations. it can make someone feel seen, or help set them on a path to self-discovery.

now, of course there's times where it isn't okay. i'm talking about a constructive conversation, but there's lots of examples outside of that. some people just use sites like this as a sort of means to vent to the void, and while i don't see a problem with that one either i can see how others might. where it bridges into not okay territory for me is dumping highly traumatic dialogues on servers, group chats, dms, etc. without warning. and that's genuinely not cool, not okay.

also it's important to consider that for a lot of people living with trauma, it's not always this crippling thing, it's not always their "innermost demons". trauma can stem from horrific situations, but its origins can also seem innocuous. it's a really tricky thing to nail down, so assuming you know where someone is coming from without knowing them just isn't gonna work. easiest example of what i mean is when someone tells one of their triggers, and it's something so "ordinary" that people don't take it seriously (my mind always goes back to "popsicles, soup broth, and jello" if you're familiar with that post). you have no idea what caused it, how long ago it was, how much more damage or healing has happened between then and now. assuming everyone must be spilling their "innermost demons" is assuming far more than you realize!

i do think there's details people should withhold from strangers online. i do think that's basic online safety. but as long as they're within the boundaries of what is a "safe" amount of info to share? i see no problem with it.

so i suppose the tldr is that there are bad reasons for talking about personal experiences with trauma, but there are just as many good reasons. no one owes anyone a showcase of fresh psychological wounds, but talking about it with some distance is beneficial to many parties.

[lizzybeth1986]

I don't think you play TRR/TRH anymore but you should see what they did to Kiara in the newest chapter. It's so dumb and makes me so angry, especially considering the current climate of events. I've already seen people on Reddit be like "but we helped her overcome her trauma" (we didn't lol) and someone called her the c-word, very classy. Honestly PB's been low key racist in the past but all the stuff right now makes it high key...

(Apologies for the long post and not being able to place this under a cut)

I'm pretty glad I got these anons because truth be told I wasn't sure how many people - besides the few that I already knew were constantly speaking about Kiara's treatment in the books - would care enough to ask any questions about this. Most of the posts I saw expressed a disturbing eagerness to throw her under the bus, without exploring nuance or asking questions, and at this point I'm not very surprised.

I've always maintained that the treatment for Kiara is what happens when both the writers and the fandom are heartless, and these past few weeks have only been proof of that.

There are questions you could raise about this finale re: Kiara - questions almost no one seems to bother asking. I have three:

1. In this Coventus Nobilis...how is it that I see four Heads of House, and only one heir? 

2. If Kiara - who is not head of house - is supposed to represent Castelserraillian instead of her father Hakim (who presides over that estate), why do I not see Madeleine? Why do I not see Penelope? 

3. Why are we suddenly seeing Adeleide  popping up out of practically nowhere to rep Krona/Fydelia, and Landon conveniently rep-ping Portavira?  

Some of the answers to these questions lie in the questions themselves. Why else would Madeleine and Penelope not be present in this meeting - if it weren't to purposely distance them from this awful moment? After all, both of them have inbuilt subplots ready for the next book that would require interactions with the core group. How else do you think the writers could ensure we kept coddling them and pandering to them in Book 3, except by distancing them from this "betrayal"?

Why else would the narrative choose to pit Kiara - the lone woman of colour we'd been shitting on for most of this series - against Olivia - the white woman who has been given innumerable individual PoV scenes and her own mini-book (and whose reputation we had to help rebuild in said mini book whether we cared about her stupid duchy or not). 

Why else would they force Kiara to alert us mere minutes before the meeting begin, if not to distract us with crumbs ("See? At least we wrote her as warning you. Of course we don't hate her!"). 

Why else would you have Olivia and Kiara pitted against each other like this - if not to show these two women side by side, on opposing ends -  and compel us to believe that the white woman we spent 4.5 books propping up and pampering, is the most loyal one.  When in fact we have done absolutely nothing to deserve any fucking loyalty from Kiara or her family to begin with! (Ezekiel and his white bride notwithstanding).

What we finally got as a result, was a narrative that (as @queen-of-effing-everything summed it up when I discussed this with her) in one full sweep "glorifies Olivia, shields Madeleine and Penelope and sets up Kiara". Very few of us even noticed. And even if we did notice, is there any guarantee that we would care??

Remember how I mentioned in my last ask that I wished we expanded the same energy that we did with Aurora, to speak up against the ill-treatment of other black characters? Kiara was undoubtedly one of those.

After this, we as a fandom will speak very easily now of her "betrayal". We will call her the b-word and the c-word. We will boast of how we will "take her down" along with Adeleide and Landon and Bartie Sr. We'll boast about how we "never liked her" to begin with, as if doing so required some...idk exemplary foresight. We will make memes about how Olivia was "the only bitch we ever respected". We will make huge, sweeping claims about how Kiara was our "friend" and how (as you've mentioned, anon) we "helped her overcome her trauma" (!!!!) and claim by that token that  we were entitled to good treatment from her. I'm pretty sure when TRH3 finally comes out, her every word and action will be screenshot, put up on blogs, mocked and torn down just so we can write essays on how awful she is. 

Yet I saw very little of this energy in Book 3, where the MC could first emotionally manipulate her into supporting the Unity Tour, and where we actively suspected her  at a time when she was traumatized. At most there was some lukewarm acknowledgement of how she "deserves better", all while people still continued to write fanfic that positioned her as creepy and obsessed and villainous.  Almost no one had a problem with Savannah not acknowledging Kiara's earlier support of her, and in fact I'd seen posts that clubbed her with the other ladies of the court who likely "treated Savannah badly". Her father Hakim was made to join the tour alongside her by default, without the expectations that Landon/Emmeline and Godfrey/Adeleide were allowed to have, and the fandom was mysteriously silent about Hakim being made to "bow to his knees" in a way the others did not have to. Very few people even bothered to  notice or talk about how often Penelope was allowed to hold the MC's baby, or how Kiara was never really allowed to hold her even once. Which "friend" treats someone like this??

When I finally published this essay on the treatment meted out to Kiara especially in Book 3, what I got was a lot of neat, but ultimately hollow, little platitudes about how Kiara "deserved better" (How and in what way? Who knows, who cares). Out of those many many people who reblogged and responded, only a handful held the MC and Drake in particular (and Maxwell, who thought it appropriate to joke about "one suspect down") accountable for choosing to suspect and interrogate just her, and for showing ZERO remorse in forcing her to reopen those wounds. How is it that we can judge Kiara for this latest "betrayal", yet pretend that the MC and Drake had nothing to do with the pain THEY caused to her? How is it that this fandom was so fired up over her comments, yet would have such a weak, muted, carefully-generalized response to the screenshots where Drake was openly suspecting her and optionally  minimizing her trauma? 

Following that, why should we be entitled to good treatment from Kiara when we never really gave her even half as much?? Why is it so easy to divorce characters from their words and actions in Drake/MC/Maxwell's case, but so hard for a character like Kiara? (One may claim this is because Drake and Maxwell are potential co-protagonists, but the aforementioned essay already proves that you as a main character can get punished for not treating a mere side character with kindness).

Another thing that fascinates and repulses me even further is how the fandom has created myths around this one character, and how PB has constantly leaned into these "characteristics" even though the text itself tells an altogether different story:

1. Kiara is a snob. This is especially hilarious considering that she is established in Book 2 as being the only person who befriended Savannah before her departure and cared about what happened to her when she left. Never once in the books has she looked down on us for class-related issues, or outright mocked people for not knowing the languages she knew. In fact, she was the first person to acknowledge our skills if we showed any before Lythikos in Book 1. On the other hand, Penelope can be uppity and look down on us in Book 1 (there is even a dialogue option in Chapter 10 that leads to her calling us a "commoner wench") if we don't do well, and yet she's a cinnamon roll.  Olivia can engage in snobbish , entitled behaviour without the fandom having a problem just because she's their favourite. Madeleine can look down on us and pretend for 3/4ths of the social season that we're not worth her time yet somehow Kiara is the snob. Okay. Okay. 😐

2. Kiara is "obsessed with" Drake and constantly comes on to him. This is said by the same group of people who saw Olivia fucking Nevrakis plant a WHOLE FUCKING SMACKER on Liam's mouth, and said..nothing. Kiara on the other hand, has admired Drake's abs once, mentioned she'd always liked Drake once, spoken normally to him about his sister once, flirted with him once (Paris tea party), and ordered a wine from him when he was bartending. In the next book she either looks at him wistfully or admires his suit. Yet somehow she's the creepy, annoying, stalkerish. Okay. Ooookay. 😑

(This one was particularly damaging, because post the TRR3 hiatus, all efforts from PB were focused on reversing Kiara's position as an alternative LI. This included "confirming" on livestream that her affections were one-sided, at a time when Olivia was finally allowed to have some romantic moments with a single Liam, pushing forward a buildup scene to Drake's eventual secret wedding that had him acting extremely rude and confrontational to Kiara mere minutes after suspecting her (while she was expressing joy at his upcoming wedding in his playthrough!!!), and involving a subplot where he openly and by default suspected her. Sure, he spends a minute to be nice to her and chat about trauma if the MC chooses. But that's like a drop of sewage water floating in an ocean of shit).

3. Kiara Pretended to Be Our Friend And Then Dropped Us: This is false. Kiara only ever promised to put in a good word for us to the rest of the court, no more, no less. And she fulfilled that promise. Otherwise she never pretended to be friends with us nor made friendly overtures either way. In fact if you're going to accuse anyone of duplicity, you have Penelope and Madeleine. Yet somehow Kiara is the dishonest one. Okay. Okay. 🙃

4. Kiara Was Insensitive To Penelope and Didn't Understand Her. I'm not sure how Kiara is supposed to magically understand something that her friend isn't telling her. Plus this argument deliberately leaves out the fact that she stood up for Penelope when people chose to be mean to her, and even explained to the MC that she employs "tough love" because she can't always be around to protect Penelope. It also leaves out how one-sided this friendship is and how Kiara is made to do most of the heavy work in this friendship. Meanwhile, at Kiara's most difficult time period, in Castelserraillian, Penelope says absolutely nothing as the MC forces Kiara to join the Unity Tour, while making bedroom eyes at Kiara's brother. In fact the only reason Kiara's brother even exists is to give Penelope a love interest. The Kiara-Penelope friendship practically revolves around Penelope. I have never really seen Penelope look out for Kiara or attempt to actually support her in any way, and Kiara was the one who got the knife wounds. Yet somehow I'm supposed to believe that Penelope's the better friend of the two. Suuuuure. 😡

And this steaming pile of crap doesn't just make its way into shitposts and short opinion posts. It creeps into fanfic and fandom opinions. It finds its way in the tags and in other social media. It eventually even finds its way into the books, even though nothing in the earlier narrative ever really supported these extremely stale takes. 

Because PB didn't care for Kiara the way they cared for their white characters, they had no problem framing her narrative the way this fandom so desparately wanted it. Book 3 has the MC claim behind her back that Kiara is stuck-up and acts like knowing ten languages makes her better than everybody else, even though this is not backed up by the text, and in fact you will never see any acknowledgement of how Madeleine forced Kiara to make herself sound "exotic" in Book 2, or of how Madeleine and the MC (optionally) could downplay or question her skills unless they wanted to use her. Also, Penelope is never allowed to be talked about like that no matter what she's done. PB even had a scene (in the Hana playthrough) where they aggressively retconned the events of Madeleine's bachelorette party, where Kiara supposedly shouted at Penelope until the latter cried, and Madeleine was the one "having fun". Kiara was literally being thrown under the bus to make Madeleine look better. Madeleine. Imagine that. Madeleine.

Given how desparate the fandom was to nitpick and overdramatize everything Kiara said and did, is it any wonder that the team got away with the writing they gave her in Book 3? Considering that all the false arguments I stated above have made a resurgence in the past few weeks or days...is it any wonder that the only "support" this fandom is capable of re: Kiara, is lukewarm platitudes, cold takes and rank hypocrisy??

Yes, we can hold PB solely/largely  accountable for the treatment meted out to Kiara now. They made these choices over and over, and continue to do so, while tossing us occasional crumbs of faux-sweet behaviour from the MC. And they did this in insidious ways, which were so hard to catch that even a Kiara stan like me had to observe multiple playthroughs just to unravel even half of what they'd done.

But let's not pretend a huge chunk of the fandom was just as responsible for this - with their unfounded opinions, their disgusting bias, their favouritism of white characters, their refusal to observe anything besides their favourites, and their godawful fanfiction where Kiara is a creep or evil or killing the virtuous main character. Out of the huge body of fanwork that I've seen for TRR that features Kiara - at least 90% of it features her stalking Drake, or harming the MC (particularly the Drake MC), or in cahoots with the villains, or generally being referred to as a creep (why Olivia, who kissed Liam without his consent in Book 1 and was entitled enough to be angry about him not returning her feelings in TRH1, never got this sort of writing - I fail to understand). There is a tremendous gap between the vitriol dumped on her when she does something the MC doesn't like, and the milquetoast response when harm is done to her. There have been times when I've had to comb through pages and pages of hate just to read even one positive post on Kiara in her own goddamn tag.

When the next book arrives, I know you folks will continue to gas up the white women in this book every chance you get, and mask your racist vitriol for characters like Kiara (and Hana, let's not forget the way y'all treat Hana) behind the same self-righteous judgements and the same tired, stale takes. I know that PB - despite what I will still believe is their hollow promises today - will write every single one of those stale takes into existence. All because it will be "justified", because Kiara is a "bad person" or "untrustworthy" or "fake". Whatever. Y'all can stick to Olivia The Black Hole and babysit Madeleine and Penelope, I guess. Kiara always deserved better than these writers and most of this fandom anyway.

[splendidshinobi]

FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST 2003 LIVE REACT: EPISODES 6-10

back at it again with the white vans

episode 6: the alchemy exam

alrighty then

um mustang calling edward “ed” is EXTREMELY offputting

ohhhhhhh noooooo not shou tucker

FUCK

im wholly unprepared

them all being in central instead of east is low key jarring like my brain isnt computing it

alexander’s intro is basically the same 

nina bbyyyyy girl u deserved so much better

ed is such a fucking nerd...chemistry club modern au confirmed

god the more tucker talks the more i wanna beat his face in

al pretending to eat by tossing a potato in his armor i-

aww theyre playing in the snow theyre so pure

wonder how long thatll last

“bigger brother” and “little big brother” and ed doesnt even get mad

ed’s birthday party????????

A MELON? ED YOURE SO RUDE

so 03 had ed’s bday instead of elicia’s...CAUSE THEY GOT ELICIA IN THE WOMB

“it’s here!” “the tea?” “the baby!” hughes is a fuck head

ok so now they’re having elicia replace rush valley baby arc

this was winry’s time to shine in fmab i miss her 

if winry isnt here who is gonna birth this baby

oh my god they just realized ed can use alchemy without a circle

no wonder he’s been using circles this whole time

SO ELICIA JUST POPPED OUT????? WHAT

STUFF ALEXANDER IN THE ARMOR AND PRETEND YOURE A TALKING DOG???

“i dont think thats very funny” NO ALPHONSE IT IS NOT

THEY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE DOING WITH THAT ONE I SWEAR TO GOD IN THIS ESSAY I WILL

damn bradley what up homie

im so thrown off by the way theyre doing the exam omg

seriously what the hell is fuhrer bradley’s purpose right now is he even the fuhrer in this i feel like they wouldve mentioned it

oh lord ed is about to impress everyone with his clappy hands

ok so next episode is nina FUCK

episode 7: night of the chimera’s cry

havoc babeeee

im gonna marry him my himbo king

also can RIZA DO SOMETHING PLZ

“huhhhhhhhh nina” ew tucker that was weirdly gross

wonder why

cant do it cant do it

do we think jean kirstein was modeled after jean havoc slightly looks wise

was that purposeful 

ill have to google 

serial killer who only targets women?  it cant be scar...scar drinks respect women juice

barry or slicer bros maybe? um ok

why did we start with liore if they were just gonna hop right back into the past for a huge chunk of episodes idk

assessment day??? oh noodles

AL WHY DID YOU TELL TUCKER TO MAKE ANOTHER TALKING CHIMERA ALPHONSE NO

THE NOISE I EMITTED IM GONNA TAKE A LAP

im gonna FUCKING SCREAM

ed r u writing to winry??? that’s a bit out of character for u good sir

no tucker put that baby down

im gonna fucking SCREAM

aww he burned nina’s picture thats not sus at all

SHESKA!!!!!

wait does the ironblood alchemist know what tucker did to his wife? thats kinda the vibe im getting

SCARRRRRRRR

looking like a pirate too damn

his voice sounds different is that j michael tatum 

apparently not it was dameon clarke in 03 ya learn something new everyday 

ew elicia has a lot of hair for a FUCKING NEWBORN

ed really is such a cynic very suspicious of everyone as he should be really

basque grand knowS SOMETHING

oh jesus oh fuck oh god please do not TOUCH THAT BABY

ed and al snuck back in to the house well u know what its for the best

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

im gonna cry again please god no

FUCKING DIE SHIT HOLE

she’s hurting? oh my god

my sweet angel

ew his eyes!!!!!!! 

tucker is such a fucking failure...like look at the chimera squad and greed’s theatre troupe being the way they are. ugh it really hits how fucking unfair it is 

ed was really about to split them? boy you know better

where is nina going...im hurting

ed really tried to save her in this one

SCAR KILLS NINA IN THE STREETS???????? SIR

thats different

oh snap 

oh FUCK

SCAR WHY DID YOU LEAVE HER BODY LIKE THAT

THE WAY SHE WAS ARRANGED ON THE WALL THAT WAS FUCKED UP

AND THEY FOUND HER LIKE THAT???? AT LEAST IN BROTHERHOOD THEY DIDNT HVE TO SEE HER CORPSE ARE YOU SHITTING ME?

that was fucked.

episode 8: the philosopher’s stone

can yall get ed and al away from nina’s fucking MURAL 

get out of the car mustang

finally jesus christ

roy mustang talking about healthy coping mechanisms dont make me laugh but alright baby boy go off i guess?

im curious about who this goddamn serial killer is though lets turn to that plot thread

r u kidding me

mustang is making ed and al take over tucker’s research?? thats actually wildly messed up

oh tucker was straight executed that’s a choice i guess

tucker and the philosopher’s stone sounds inaccurate but ok

ed please stop being mean to your brother

03 mustang has got me reaching for a fucking baseball bat on GOD

scar and edward having this conversation right now i literally cannot

WINRY yes bitch

BRADLEY WHAT IN TARNATION

JESUS LORRRRRRDDDDDDDDDDDD

alphonse shut your mouthhhhhhhhhhh

im so confused what is bradley up to

“alchemists are not cold blooded murderers?”

i mean

kimblee would beg to differ for one

whos this creepy lady 

her voice sounds familiar

barry’s food shop?

the killer is barry ok got it

IS BARRY DISGUISED AS A WOMAN

I KNEW THAT WAS JERRY JEWELL’S VOICE

WELL I KNEW IT SOUNDED FAMILIAR AT LEAST

WINRY GET OUT OF THE FUCKING TRUCk

has PINAKO TAUGHT YOU NOTHING

ok so i VASTLY prefer suit of armor original manga canon barry

this is such an odd plot what in fuck

um OW the meat cleaver

im so confused this fucking plotline

oh hey alphonse nice of you to show up!

is barry still gonna become a suit of armor later on

it makes NO SENSE to introduce him otherwise 

everytime i see 03 mustang i wanna beat his ass HONESTLY

literally i will shove my foot up his ass

fullmetal here we go

ed thinks he’s so punk rock 

oh great scar’s seen the watch

episode 9: be thou for the people

ed you simp buying winry all this stuff my edwin heart is ascending

SIMP SIMP SIMP

“mr. elric”?? you mean MAJOR ELRIC

to be fair though fuck the military

YOUSWELL??? oh LORD

im gonna need to read a full chronology of this show

 alphonse continues to be a precious angel 

where’s my boy yoki!!!!!

edward you idiot don’t go flaunting your money

woof woof ed

al looks so offended by ed saying they just met

whereas in brotherhood didnt he totally throw ed under the bus??? 

a choice to be sure

ah there he is hello yoki

who’s the chick

shes a lesbian

yoki makes me miss my baby girl mei chang

mei where r u

WAS THIS MILITARY DUDE REALLY ABOUT TO CUT DOWN A CHILD??? oh my god

hawkeye getting a promotion yes bby girl

jesus theyre transferring them to east now OKKKKKAY thats not how it happened it the book but ill take it....just doing it the opposite way i guess

who is lyra who is she

cute some military bribery 

umm lyra what the fuck did you do

lyra is a homunculus im callin it now

they definitely invented/changed up some homunculi in fact im certain they did and shes one of em. gotta be

i feel like 03 wrote ed as much more insensitive towards others than he really is...just a vibe im getting

i know he was faking for the townspeople’s sake but i still get this vibe from other instances 

i mean i cant say its not “canon” because its 03 canon

anyways what a show off

i cant believe theyre going to east...fuery and breda better be there

ok finally some answers on their ages....ed got his license at 12 like normal and nina and youswell were when he was 12...liore was 15, 

if they didnt flash the ages on the screen id be lost honestly

at least we’re back up to “present day”

episode 10: the phantom thief

ed saying he doesnt wanna see mustang

same

03 mustang is activating my fight or flight and im choosing fight

ed cheating at cards totally checks out

um who the fuck is this woman

what is she wearing

SERIOUSLY WHAT IS THAT CUTOUT MAAM HOW DO YOUR C**CHY LIPS NOT POKE OUT

idk but this is fem!hisoka

“hey shouldnt we talk first” after getting handcuffed??? christ almighty these innuendos

siren??????? siren is probably also a “fake” homunculus

ugh

ok so the nurse is siren

ya aint slick girly

alphonse control your crush

I REFUSE!!!! ALMEI RIGHTS

why is al’s hair so brown in this flashback anywayssss

oh its spelled psiren ope

like she’s literally a batman villain...

oh my god...............the tiddy grab. my son would never

my son is respectful

is this her homunculus tat or just a random alchemy tat

the added plotlines and original content continue to confuse and astound me every single time....

ok but if psiren really was doing this for the hospital she wouldnt be so flashy about it. like thats how you get caught sweet cheeks

girly stop flirting with this child on god im gonna fucking kick you

now shes a nun????????????????

Shes a fucking troll i hate her

im going to kick alphonse into the sun 

oh great now shes a teacher

wow shes a savior. the savior of amestrian venice. greatttttt

ed looking exactly like this emoji on this gondola rn 🧍‍♀️

STOP FLIRTING WITH THE CHILD 

GOD THIS IS SO BATMAN VILLAIN ESQUE

alphonse plzzzzzzzzzz she aint your girl

ok so probably not the last we see of this ding dong con artist

ok so its starting to get muddy. im scared the 03 stans are gonna come after me like i do like it and im having fun watching it but some of the plot and characterization choices are just....odd??? idk i gotta keep going though!! im sorry i just stan arakawa and her work in all her glory!!!

[itsreallylaterightnow]

Itsreallylaterightnow Master List

AO3 Page: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsreallylaterightnow/pseuds/itsreallylaterightnow

Order: Newest to Oldest

19. Love, Michelle 

Peter Parker and Michelle Jones have been friends since meeting at Midtown. Their relationship has had many up's and down's, the universe seemingly cursing them to never cross paths no matter how desperately the two want each other.

Or

The Love, Rosie AU that I didn't know I needed until I saw @seek-rest post about it

18. Irreplaceable You

Then she learned that she didn’t have to worry about that anymore. Because her story was going to end. She didn’t need to worry about what she was going to wear next, or her payments, or her assignments. It didn’t matter anymore because she was going to die. And she never knew that she was living her life for the next moment until she realized that the only moment, she was waiting for was her death. But the one thing that she would always worry about, was Peter Parker.

or

The Irreplaceable You AU that took over my life and is going to make me cry a whole lot

17. There's No Shelter From the Storm

With the Accords having fallen to pieces, Secretary Ross will do anything to take out enhanced individuals. Even if that means paying scientists to create a biological weapon carried by non-enhanced individuals that only effects those with mutated genes. Tony pulls Peter out of school, quarantining him into the tower, but how hard is it going to be to keep a teenaged ball of energy from getting himself infected?

or

Peter Parker is really bad at quarantining himself when there are still people that need Spider-Man's help and Secretary Ross sucks.

Author's Note: This is a fic obviously inspired by the crazy events happening outside our doors, but this fic is in no way meant to be insensitive to those affected. Stay home, stay safe. My prayers are with those infected, families who have loved ones infected, those who are quarantined with abusive families, first responders, medical professionals, and those who have lost jobs.

16. To Look Down Upon You is Enough For Me

“A wise man told me once that fathers weren’t always born to you. That-that sometimes the best fathers are the ones that step up to the plate when no one else is there. I didn’t truly know what having a father was like. But now I know what having a father should be. And I’ll miss him every day.”

-

Peter went on the mission thinking that he and Mr. Stark would be back in time for him to apologize to Michelle about being late for supper again.

He never would have imagined the outcome that happened, or how much it would affect who he was as a father.

15. Now All Our Memories (They're Haunted)

“I want to stay.” Peter stated indignantly, ignoring the blood that dripped from his nose, a waterfall of pain and dread. His head pounded like a river breaking on the shore over and over and over again. He could feel it. The energy that was racing through his bloodstream. His mind was a supernova. Flashes of lights and stars and images of things he had never seen – things he could never understand. Time warping around his consciousness, bending his thoughts into an everlasting loop. He felt the world at his finger-tips and he wanted it to go away. Like a black hole coming to wrap around him as he tried to claw his way back to the surface. Peter took a ground shattering breath – the earth’s plate shifting every time he inhaled. “I was going to be with you… forever.”

14. Let's Just Order Take Out From Now On?

Peter always knew that May's cooking was bad... he just never expected to almost die from it

or

Peter gets botulinum poisoning and stress ensues

13. Nothing is As it Has Been (and I Miss Your Face Like Hell)

Pete is grieving. And he just needed to say goodbye. Needed the chance to say goodbye. When he gets the oppurtunity, of course he won't pass it up.

or

The author is grieving and just really needed to live vicariously through a fic so she wrote this.

12. 5 Times Tony Got Peter Out + the One Time He Couldn't

Tony is always there for Peter. Always. But God, it can be exhausting when the kid has the worst self-preservation skills in the world. But, that's why he has Tony.

or

5 times Tony got Peter out + the one time he couldn't

11. My Bones Have Found A Place (To Lie Down & Sleep)

Prompt from Irondad-Fic-Recs on Tumblr: Prompt: So I just saw little women and I’m just thinking about the scene where one of the sisters dies. Like the older sister Jo, fall asleep by her bedside only to wake up to see her younger sister is gone. So how about peter and tony in this situation. Tony dozes off by Peter’s bedside while he’s hurt or sick and wakes up to find he passed away while was sleeping

:(

Why you got to hurt me like this? What if it’s like an IW AU where people die, and the body is left behind after Thanos snapped? and Peter clings on to life long enough to get back to earth and the compound where they hook him up to machines to try to save him (his heart is failing or something idk) but then that happens.

so basically that, just check it out.

10. It's Just Medicine 

Peter has an old injury that flares up once in a while, he thought for certain that he would be able to keep it a secret from Tony, until it flares in the middle of them testing out a new suit.

or

Tony Stark is a worried dad, and hates to see when Peter is in pain.

9. So Leave Me In The Cold (Wait Until The Snow Covers Me Up)

Peter has been missing for three weeks. Tony just needs to get his kid back. Just needs to hold him again.

Whatever it takes.

Or

Another rescue fic because we could always use some protective Irondad

8. Run Into My Arms Again (walk with me into the light) - Febuwhump 

Tragedy strikes Peter Parker’s life again. He wasn’t ready for it, and he knows that he will never be the same, but after four months of college, he is beginning to think that he will learn to be whole again. He has his family; May and Happy, and the support of the Starks to help bring him happiness again.

Then, the unthinkable happens. When Peter finds himself in the clutches of someone that wants nothing but to see Tony Stark burn to the ground, how will he find the strength to hold on until help arrives? And will he be able to protect his newfound family in the process?

7. Sometimes I Feel Like I'm Being Pulled in So Many Directions

Peter knows he did poorly on his final, and he feels bad enough. Then May finds out. Peter doesn't know how to handle all the pressure of being a normal high-school teenager on top of trying to balance the responsibility that comes with being spider-man.

Thank fully he has Tony Stark and May Parker to keep him in check- and comfort the stressed teen along the way.

6. When I Was Older

Peter Parker never thought that something like this would be a problem, he always imagined with the spider-bite came a sort of overall health and wellness... well besides being shot at constantly. So when this terrible illness bites down on him suddenly, how will it effect the few days he has left?

or

Peter Parker contracts an illness that he has never heard of then learns that it has no known cure... will he lose his mind before getting the chance to say goodbye to the ones he loves?

5. Whumptober 2019

spooky season=whumpy season! Here is whumptober 2019 from the prompts I created on my Tumblr itsreallylaterightnow! Please enjoy!

WARNING: this is whumpy stuff- so violence, graphic violence is to be expected. There will be blood and injuries and sadness, but it should mostly have a happy ending to each chapter!

4. Diamond of the Day 

Peter couldn't let Mr. Stark die. He wouldn't let him die. He had lost Ben, he wouldn't stand by and not do anything.

Or

The Avengers Endgame/Merlin crossover that no one asked for and made me sad

3. Saturn

Penny Parker lost May a year ago, and as she is coping with what happened, her life just seems to be one trial at a time. Within seconds her life changes forever. Will the knowledge that she still has a family, not by blood but by love, be enough to get her through the challenges that come her way?

or

Penny lives in the tower with the Avengers, but Ross has a plan for revenge. He knows that Tony would never show fear or pain, but in order to hurt Tony Stark, you hurt what he cares about. (I suck at summaries I'm so sorry)

2. Tumblr Drabble/One Shots

Archives from my tumblr - itsreallylaterightnow

Remember that I take requests over there! If it’s irondad whump/fluff odds of me accepting it are like... %100!!! Love you all!

Enjoy the fluffy whumpy goodness :)

1. Use Somebody

Peter Parker lives the average life... school, being an intern to the biggest company like-ever and fighting criminals while wearing spandex. Who knew that being close to Tony Stark would hold such deadly consequences

[uselessmonsterboy]

Anonymous Submitted:

Okay, but it's only disheartening if that's the end of the story. And it isn't, or at least, it isn't meant to be. (this is a continuation of the Izuku roams the grounds thing)   Aizawa and the other teachers worry over what to do with the Problem Child, not only is it viscerally disturbing to see it happen, but when the kid's a pro, he won't be safe on the streets. Which means UA has 2 years and change to get him comfortable with having a roof over his head. 

At first, they leave him be. He's going to therapy, is following his weight gain plan, and uses the facilities of the dorm. None of his classmates say anything to him about it, they're all aware at this point that he's had a tough life, and if that weren't enough they were given a very stern talking to by Aizawa prior to the kids moving in. Izuku may sleep outside, in the forest or the training grounds, but he showers, cooks, and slowly starts to relax in the dorms. 

The first big problem hits with the autumn winds, the UA staff worrying themselves sick over their precious adopted child. Rationally, they know he's survived winters before, but it doesn't make it any easier. Present Mic even pulls the kid aside, reminding him that he's free to use any of the buildings in the false cities, return to the dorms, or sleep in the auditorium if it gets too cold. Cementoss and Power Loader rig as many of the false building with heaters as they can. 

Izuku is, at this point, doing better mentally and physically. He knows that his inability to sleep indoors is irrational, but he's just not at the point where he can bear to sleep in a place he calls his own yet. He doesn't know how to make the leap, and everyone's concern for him eats away at him. He spirals for a bit, feeling trapped by the love and compassion people are showing him after all this time. Eventually, it comes to a head with an accidentally insensitive remark by Mina. 

She says something dumb about how cold it is in her room, and how she put in a work order days ago, but it still isn't fixed and it's tooorrrtttuurrreee. Izuku snaps something about how "she's lucky to have something covering her from the elements, and a bed and blankets to keep her warm, let alone a heater,"  He realizes what he's said, addressing the elephant in the room that had been there so long his classmates had started to forget about. Bursting into tears, he runs out of the dorm.

(My connection is getting laggy, idk how many of these are getting through) It's Uraraka who finds him, curled up next to the trashcans, hyperventilating. Even though she knows he's had it rougher than her, she too remembers the feeling of going to bed on an empty stomach, of the winter chill slicing through the flimsy fabric of a cheap coat. She tells him as much; adding on that she's willing to help in whatever way she can, even if it's just as someone he can vent to.

Uraraka listens, uninterrupting, as Izuku shakily rants at her. It's nearly half an hour of him hopping hysterically from tangent to tangent, going in depth about how scared he was, how some days he wasn't sure he would make it, how alone he felt. 

He sobs about how he was convinced, for so long, that he deserved it, that he was a bad son, that either Inko ran away from him because she hated him, or she was taken from him against her will, and it's a catch-22 because if she hated him than he must have been a bad son, but if he hopes that she had to be taken from him, than he's wishing his mother is either in pain or dead, and doesn't that make him just as awful? 

He admits that he wants to take the next step, he knows it's irrational of him to sleep on UA's streets like this, but he feels sick and undeserving every time he tries to sleep in a bed, or a couch. 

And Uraraka does a good job of listening. Her heart fills with pain, so much so she worried Izuku will feel it, and run again. One of her best friends in the world was suffering like this in silence, and none of them had stepped in. She cries silently, doing her best not to distract him. When he finishes, she hugs him, tight, so tight she's afraid he might break. She helps him come up with a plan that night. A way to ease him back in to living in a steady environment again. 

When they return, he goes to apologize to Mina, only for her to beat him to it. Despite his obvious discomfort, he admits he can't sleep in the dorms, that he was homeless, and doesn't want to discuss it further. Even though the class desperately wants answers past that, the look on Uraraka's face keeps them from jumping the poor kid for information. Things fall into a sort of forced quiet after that in regards to Izuku's past. None of the students want to break their trust with him, so they don't push him, but, to his surprise, they also don't push him away either. That doesn't mean they don't spend the next several weeks worrying, crying, reevaluating their abilities as heroes. Hound Dog's office is almost never empty after that, with someone or another going for advice or reassurance.

The only one who comes close to pushing Izuku away entirely is Bakugo, who's furious at himself both for not noticing, but also for punching down the way he did in middle school. He remembers leaving a shaking body in an alleyway, and feels ill. How close did Deku come to getting an infection, unable to recover in a clean, safe environment? How close did he come to dying in the gutter, like a discarded toy? He leaves Deku, no, Izuku, alone after that, and starts waking up in a cold sweat instead, haunted by dull, lifeless eyes on a face marred by grime and burns.

Izuku, spurred on by Uraraka and oblivious to his classmates' thoughts, starts to implement their plan. At first, he sleeps in the lobby of a random building once a week. He doesn't sleep on a couch, but curls up, small again, in his sleeping bag. He can almost pretend it's a bus stop, or a train station. He spends more and more nights sleeping in lobbies and fake restaurants, until he's comfortable spending the nights indoors.

From there, it's a relatively uncomfortable jump to trying to sleep in the entrance of the dorm. He still sleeps in the fake cities from time to time, but he gets more and more comfortable sleeping next to the dorm doors. Everyone is careful not to say a word, although some of the insomniacs and early risers jump the first few times they see him. After about a month of that, he starts creeping in to sleep on the floor of the common area. It goes relatively incident free. Ojiro does scream once, when he goes to get a late night snack. Half the dorm is woken up, but eventually, Izuku is assured it was merely Ojiro's sleep addled brain convinced the sleeping bag was Aizawa, rather than anything about him. Everyone else takes note, and any subsequent jumpscares are silent, and unnoticed. Even so, Izuku sleeps by the doors for the following two weeks. 

Eventually, Izuku feels emboldened enough to try and sleep in his own room. It needs a thorough cleaning, dust coats everything in a thick layer. Optimistic, Iida washes the sheets on the school provided mattress, and makes the bed with military corners. Izuku tries to sleep on the bed, but ends up in his sleeping bag, feeling guilty that he still can't sleep on a mattress.

Again, he feels self-loathing at his own wastefulness. It's a perfectly good bed, but he can't stand it, he can't sleep in it. He starts sleeping in the hallway instead, trying to avoid his room as much as possible. This quickly catches the teachers' attention. They had been keeping a close eye on Izuku's progress, but had been unwilling to interfere after their previous efforts had backfired so spectacularly before. But now, it seemed like adult interference would be necessary.  Nobody wanted Izuku to backslide now that it was so cold out. Yagi's the one to propose it, both to the teachers and to Izu-kun. If the bed makes him uncomfortable, why not replace it with a couch? That way, when he wanted to have people over in his room, they could have a place to sit, and the room wouldn't feel so empty. 

At first, Izuku's reluctant to the idea. He may have hated the bed, but, it seemed like a waste to have it removed and to have a couch put in its place. Besides, wasn't he supposed to start living like a normal person now, wasn't this just giving up? 

Yagi assures him that, no, going slowly, taking baby steps like this is perfectly okay. The only reason why they wanted him to live in the dorms was because they were worried about his safety. If he feels more comfortable sleeping on the floor, that's okay. And with the budget that UA has, one bed and one mattress are ultimately negligible. Todoroki helps soothe Izuku as well, pointing out that both he and Shoji sleep on futons, which aren't so different from his sleeping bag. 

Izuku ultimately agrees, and finds that it's a lot easier to sleep in his room now that the expectation that he'll use his bed is lifted. While he doesn't know it, UA's staff, and his classmates, collectively let put a huge sigh of relief, now no longer having to worry about 1-A's resident little string bean freezing in the cold.

---

Sorry if this was crazy long, or if it's out of character, I just like coming up with little snippets and stuff like this for my favorite creators.