#idk why (actually i do it’s capitalism) it’s so normalized to keep going to school and work even if you’re sick

[rosesradio]

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[female-malice]

i dont want to comment on that doctor licensing post but youre right. where i live the requirements to become certified are so strict that it is causing a massive shortage of doctors. to the point where almost no one has a family doctor and hardly any new doctors are coming in. also, doctors from other countries can't start working here, because again the requirements to become licensed are so high that even someone who has worked for years and has a perfect track record has to start all over again to "prove" that they're certified. so you have immigrants who were literally top surgeons in their country coming here and having to work as cab drivers. turns out if you make it cost $500,000 to go to medical school domestically and then also make it impossible for anyone to move here and start a practice you will run out of doctors lol. also, most people don't realize it but family doctors essentially have to run their own business as well as practice. idk you really don't want doctors who aren't well trained and yeah it would be great if all doctors had continuing education. but when people are trying because there aren't enough doctors, "let's make it even harder to be a doctor" isn't in patients best interest.

Exactly. And the medical labor shortage in the US is by design. US medicine is designed to be a scarce commodity rather than a human right. Tons of people have an innate passion for medicine because our ancestors evolved with a healing instinct. To make medicine scarce, you need to design a fucked up structure to keep potential doctors out of the field.

There's this "all doctors are bastards" section of tumblr. And they never acknowledge the structural problems in modern American medicine. So their criticisms basically boil down to "why are doctors such dumb dumbs!"

Of course 80 hour work weeks result in medical malpractice. The human brain, even an agile and dedicated human brain, has limits. And human health is endlessly complex especially in our sickly late capitalism era of pandemics, microplastics, and carcinogens.

Giving a doctor a 30 hour work week and a full nights sleep is a start. But that alone is not enough. And even if you do relicensing exams and make sure they read all the latest studies, that's not enough either. Doctors are not computers. They're humans. If you want doctors to transcend the limits of an individual human brain, you need more doctors. You need more consultation.

"I had to go to three different doctors before I got a correct diagnosis!" Well, yeah. Maybe that's normal. Maybe everyone with complex symptoms should be seeing multiple doctors. We should restructure our medical system so that seeing multiple doctors is a streamlined accessible process. Just because the first doctor you saw couldn't solve the problem, that doesn't mean she's a bad doctor. Maybe for a different patient with a different problem, she's the brilliant solution that saves the day. And maybe the doctor that actually did solve your problem is completely stumped with her next patient. We should not be coming for doctors' licenses after every misdiagnosis. We just need more doctors. That's it.

[pennylanewrites]

I got seven different asks about the College AU so here are some headcanons I have about them! (imagine aiura is in the picture I couldn’t find a good one with all of them)

I definitely didn’t mean to make this so long but I can’t help it I love them all so much<3

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Saiki Kusuo

→ marine!!!biology!!!major!!!!!!!!

→ doesn’t need to study but he still does bc he finds marine life so fascinating

→ read all of his textbooks on the first day bc he was so excited eeeek

→ always wears his germanium ring in class so he can stay hashtag focused

→ him and aiura have to bail toritsuka(didn’t go to college) out of jail once a month

→ speaking of aiura, she somehow has convinced him to go on a date on five different occasions

→ i think after high-school he realised he didn’t mind a kind of casual not-relationship with her

→ lets her hug him to greet him and sometimes he hugs back bc college boys stare a lot and he is just worried for her okay?

→ maybe I’m just projecting bc I kin aiura

→ does not go to parties unless he absolutely has to

→ if he does go to a party he’ll drink something quietly in a corner, just watching the crowd

→ a perv laced Teruhashi’s drink and almost lured her up the stairs so of fucking course Kusuo sprinted to help her, holding her on the way home bc men are drawn to her like bees to honey

→ she didn’t let him live it down ever

→ he rented a studio apartment and keeps it super clean, minimum clutter but enough to look lived in

→ cooks amazing food that Nendo smells from upstairs and next thing you know, they’re all bringing chairs to Kusuo’s apartment and have dinner

→ nothing excuses the fact he makes at least eight servings every time–

→ such a dad to everyone honestly

→ usually studies at a library or teleports back home if there’s a big test

→ mrs. saiki was banned from visiting every two days but she still ends up there somehow

→ not that he minds bc he’s the biggest mama’s boy ever

→ probably graduates a year early

→ doesn’t move away even though he got a job at the aquarium at the other side of the city help–

Kaidou Shun

→ fine arts major you can NOT change my mind

→ doesn’t do good in theoretical subjects but mans can draw some good bowls of fruit

→ wears those stained from the paints t-shirts all the time bc ‘no they’re not dirty it’s art!’

→ him and aren have small designated spaces in their apartment so they can focus on their hobbies/studying

→ his corner at the living room has newspapers on the floor to protect it from the splattering paint, some canvases propped up on the wall and a lot of unfinished projects

→ hides all of them when Nendou comes over

→ can not cook or clean to save his life

→ so he calls his mum to help clean up when Aren is at work

→ got over his 8th grader syndrome at some point

→ still wears red bandages bc he’s edgy

→ volunteers at the neighborhood exhibit centre

→ got asked to showcase his own works for a night and hasn’t shut up about it since

→ goes to yumehara for relationship advice and braids her hair as a thank you

→ couples sleepovers with Yumehara and Teruhashi (yes they’re dating shut up)

→ always makes something for Aren at special occasions (birthdays, anniversaries etc)

→ at first he went back home every saturday bc he missed his family :(

→ Aren helps him get over it though!!!!

Nendou Riki

→ got in on a sports scholarship

→ we already know he couldn’t be accepted in a college otherwise

→ in the chiropractic major bc he wants to be one of those athlete doctors

→ has failed way too many exams and classes

→ Hairo helps him so much though!!!

→ the last one in the group to graduate but somehow gets a job first (excluding Saiki)

→ him and hairo get up at 5 am for jogging or to hit the gym

→ and then he goes and gets noodles bc ��if noodles aren’t for breakfast why do shops open at 6 am?’

→ hasn’t stepped foot in class in months

→ he gets decent grades after failing the first semester and it’s totally not Saiki’s doing

→ he ends up signing up for way too many clubs

→ attends all of the meetings and has so many friends through them

→ I would be his friend too in college honestly

→ a fraternity wanted to get him bc he’s so good at sports

→ he declined bc he does not understand how fraternities even work

→ is the life of EVERY SINGLE PARTY change my mind you can’t

→ whatever you do don’t imagine nendo surprising his boyfriend with flowers after every practice

→ *dies cutely*

Kuboyasu Aren

→ SOCIOLOGY MAJOR

→ idk I just think he would enjoy Marx’s Capital

→ debate club? hell yeah

→ gets in philosophical conversations at the school yard for HOURS

→ kaidou has to drag him away

→ only shops at thrift stores and makes coffee at home bc “capitalism is not accepted in this household”

→ rides his motorcycle to college even though he lives five minutes away

→ grew his hair out in a mullet again and he looks *chef’s kiss*

→ thought he would be moving too fast if he asked Kaidou to rent an apartment together

→ aiura convinced him it was fine

→ cooks kaidou’s favorite foods every day

→ participates in student rallies, human rights protests etc etc

→ comes home with bruises and kaidou thinks he looks so hot but still yells at him

→ Aren’s favorite place to study is his balcony or at a coffee shop

→ always with kaidou! cute boyfriends who do everything together!!

→ gets so drunk when they go out

→ drunk karaoke with kokomi yes yes yes

Hairo Kineshi

→ did someone say Athletic Training?

→ does every single sport and is amazing at it

→ will cheer for his bf if they have a game at the same time though

→ it was his idea to move in together bc ‘hey we’ve been dating for three years now might as well’

→ volunteers at a nearby elementary as a coach for the kids

→ SO GOOD WITH KIDS

→ wants to be a P.E. Teacher and he’s going to be great at it

→ does everything he can at campus

→ helping random clubs, making posters, cleaning up the hallways, helping the cheer squad with their new routine

→ dances ballet as a hobby even though he’s so good at it that he could be a professional

→ makes everything a competition with Nendo so they never get bored

→ once made everyone get up to jog with them and they ended up sleeping on random benches while Hairo and Nendo were halfway across town

→ will punch someone if he sees them catcalling a girl

→ doesn’t drink at all and eats super healthy

→ designated driver for the group’s outings downtown

Aiura Mikoto

→ THEATER MAJOR

→ is so good at stage acting it’s unreal

→ lands the lead role almost every time

→ is also an amazing singer so she gets great roles in musicals as well

→ doesn’t have to get a job bc she gets all her money from doing readings on campus

→ gets coffees and pastries from all the coffee shops around campus and sits Kusuo down so he can taste them

→ they have a little taste-testing date in his apartment until they decide none of them are as good as the ones at Cafe Mami

→ she totally doesn’t make him teleport there every morning and he totally doesn’t listen to her

→ moved in with chiyo bc they wanted a nice place that they couldn’t afford on their own

→ teruhashi told them to move in with her but they already loved their little place

→ aiura’s bedroom is the most comfortable and cozy room ever

→ their apartment is also the hang out spot for the group bc it’s just so homey

→ hangs out with her theatre group a lot, especially after class

→ they can’t compare to her friends though:(

→ everyone goes to her when they’re worried and she loves it bc she’s the mummy of the group

→ she makes everyone coffee and their comfort food before big exams:)

Yumehara Chiyo

→ psychology major one thousand percent

→ you know how they say that people choose psychology bc they don’t know what major they want?

→ that’s exactly what happened except she fell in love with it immediately

→ such a good student!!!

→ always does her assignments on time and still manages to have a social life

→ teruhashi asked her out at the end of their first semester and that’s the first time chiyo missed a deadline

→ practically lives with teruhashi, insisting it’s just to leave aiura alone

→ she’s just IN LOVE OKAY?????

→ would want to be a sorority girl at first

→ changed her mind when she realized how much shit they all talked

→ her and kaidou drink wine and talk about their relationships and studies

→ she’s so sleep deprived it’s unreal

→ she doesn’t need sleep anymore though

→ coffee is her best friend

→ makes asks Aiura for readings twice a week

→ brings all her psychology friends home and they analyze their textbooks

→ once she got the hang of it, she decided to examine Kusuo

→ she told him he needs actual medical evaluation

→ he almost threw her out the window when she offered some Xanax for his nerves

→ chiyo is a neat freak one hundred percent

→ hates when Aiura throws everything on the floor, but she loves cleaning

→ opens her own office after school

Teruhashi Kokomi

→ PRE-MED

→ lesbian doctor :)

→ just wanted to get away from her perv brother at first

→ she always wanted to be a doctor though, preferably a neurosurgeon

→ she’s super duper smart and hates when she gets good grades bc of her good looks:(

→ makes it her goal to show her professors that she’s more than a beautiful girl

→ hasn’t failed a single exam

→ helps everyone with their studies even though she’s drowning in work

→ drops the perfect girl image at college and decides she should try and aim for something normal

→ gets invited to every single party

→ in a knitting club bc it would get disbanded without one more member

→ knits!!!matching!!!sweaters!!!for all of her friends!!!

→ asked Chiyopipi out while drunk

→ never regretted it though

→ her and aren get so drunk when they go out with the group

→ it’s honestly unreal how much they can drink before passing out

→ has to get carried home

→ wakes up after getting drunk and runs to her class before remembering it’s Sunday

→ her penthouse has the perfect view of the sunset and sunrise and is all she could ask for in life

→ does get lonely so she’s practically living with Chiyo and Aiura

→ once she realized she didn’t like boys she made it her goal to get Saiki and Aiura together

→ people wonder how she has so much time to play matchmaker and volunteer while she’s in premed

→ does her internship at a hospital

→ ends up working there as a neurosurgeon after her Doctorate degree

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[dream-a-little-bigger-x]

An Unforgettable Halloween | Luke Patterson

Requested by anon:  hiiiii! can i do a jatp luke x reader imagine where it’s halloween and reader runs into Luke and they spend the whole day making Luke forget he’s dead? thanks! <3 love your writing by the way

A/N: Thank you for this request, anon! I really enjoyed writing it! I hope you like it!! Idk why I always need to have the reader and Luke/Charlie singing together, but here ya go anyway. The song used is Favorite Place by All Time Low. :) 

Pairing: Luke x fem!reader

Warnings: fluff

Words: 4,447

Halloween. It’s never been my favorite holiday. My poor, feeble heart can’t handle all the scares and creepy stuff. And besides, it’s over commercialized, in my opinion. Capitalism just needed another reason to exploit a holiday. My best friend, Ava,  tells me I hate the holiday because it reminds me of two years ago when a Halloween party traumatized me for the rest of my life. “Just because Brent made that day terrible, doesn’t mean the day will forever be terrible, Y/N,” she’d always say. Though that might be true, I still like to believe that’s not the only reason why I  hate the holiday. “Just come with me to the party tonight, and you’ll see it’s not as bad as you think it is!” We’re on FaceTime while I’m doing homework and she’s trying to figure out what to wear to the annual Halloween party at Charlotte the popular girl’s house. Another reason to hate the holiday. Charlotte Parks is the typical popular girl trope in this story. Pretty, popular with the guys, a cheerleader. The cliché. “I don’t think I’m gonna do that, Av,” I say whilst tucking my pencil behind my ear and staring down the phone in front of me, balancing against my backpack on the end of my bed. “You know Charlotte and I don’t mix well together.” That’s true. Charlotte has always despised me, God knows why. For some reason unknown to me, she always has to find a way to ruin my life. “Her house is so big, you won’t even see her!” Ava reasons from her walk-in closet before walking back onto the screen, another dress in her hand. This one is a black bodycon number with a white collar at the top and fringes at the sleeves. “How about this one?” “That’s very Wednesday Adams!” I exclaim with a wide smile on my face, to which I receive a very impressed nod from my best friend. “You know Bobbi’s coming tonight, Av. Can’t cancel on her!” Roberta’s my cousin of 13, and she’s one of my best friends, no matter how lame that sounds. We’ve always been pretty good pals, since we’re the only girls in the family. We kind of had to stick together against the testosterone of our other cousins. She’s not actually coming tonight, but I needed a good excuse to get out of this party. “Take her with you!” she yells both excited and kind of desperate at the same  time. “Ooh! How about I wear my pleather pants with, like, a black body and cat ears?!” She disappears into the wardrobe again. “She’s 13, Av! I’m not going to take her to a high school party!” I yell back whilst shaking my head in disappointment. “Wear whatever you want, Ava. I’m sure you’ll look amazing.” She appears into the picture again, her pleather pants halfway her butt and her bra on show. “Hey, is that my bra?!” I recognize that black lace with the gold detailing down the bust anywhere and I’ve lost that bra three weeks ago. “What? No! This is mine!” she says, but I can tell she’s lying. “You are unbelievable, Av!” I shake my head, grinning at my best friend. “I’m gonna have to go though. Send me a snap of  your outfit once you’ve chosen!” She nods her head in response, walking up closer to her phone, which she had balanced somewhere on her drawers. “I really can’t convince you to come?” Her expression has suddenly turned serious. She really is bummed I don’t want to come out, but I don’t care. I can’t care. This is for my own good. At least then, I don’t have to see Charlotte. Or Brent. “I’m really sorry, Ava.... Maybe next year, yeah?” She sighs mournfully before nodding her head. “Have fun, okay? And be careful!” A smile appears on her face again. “I will, babes. Have fun with Bobbi!” She offers me a wave, which I return before yelling ‘bye’ and pressing the red button on my phone screen. Lying to my best friend is not my favorite thing to do, but she wouldn’t shut up when she found out what I’m actually gonna be doing. With a sharp exhale, I crawl off my bed and head downstairs where my parents are getting ready for their little get-together with their friends. Dad’s dressed in a pin-stripe suit, a fake mustache stuck on his upper lip and his hair gelled back tightly whilst mom’s wearing a black dress with a deeply cut V-neck and a large slit down the side. Gomez and Morticia Addams. Very spooky. “Don’t you two look dashing,” I compliment, watching them from the middle of the stairs, sitting down. Mom shoots me a kind smile as she fixes her slick hair. “What are you gonna do tonight, sweetie?” Dad asks, tightening his tie. “Probably gonna go get some food and watch some movies,” I shrug, placing my head in my hand, my elbow resting on my knee. “You know, the use.” Dad exhales sharply, smiling sympathetically. “Don’t give me that look, dad.” “I’m sorry, sweets. But I just wish you would act like a seventeen-year-old instead of an eighty  year old.” I scoff at his statement. We had this discussion last year too. Both of them know what happened and why it’s so hard for me to enjoy this day. But they still give me shit for it. “I’m gonna have plenty of fun by myself. Even more so than if I did go to the stupid party,” I reason with him. He raises his hands in defeat before turning to his wife. “Just make sure the kids get their candies, yeah?” mom says instead, climbing a couple of stairs to press a kiss to my head. “I love you,” she whispers and heads down again. “Love you too. Have fun, guys.” Dad comes up to kiss me too before heading to the door with mom. With his hand on the doorknob, he looks back at me. “You know we only want you to be happy, right?” he says. I nod my head, offering him a smile. “I love you, sweets.” He walks out and shuts the door behind him, leaving me alone in the empty house. I sigh deeply before heading down and grabbing my Vans. Once they’re on my feet, I grab my wallet and exit the house. The cool October air hits my sweater-clad arms, sending a chill down my spine. As my feet tread down the pavement, my mind wanders to this day two years ago. Around this time, everything seemed normal. I was happy and excited to get to the Charlotte Parks Halloween extravaganza with my boyfriend Brent. We’d picked out a great couples’ costume. He was a wolf, and I was dressed as Red Riding Hood. I’d even taken the liberty to go all out with makeup and put a slash near my eye as though I’d been attacked by the wolf. Ava was a fan of that costume, more than Brent was. But when we neared the end of the night, everything crumbled down into shreds of sadness and anger. The residue of that anger wells up again until it’s knocked out of me when I bump into someone, making me stumble backwards. I would’ve fallen on my ass if it wasn’t for the hands capturing my arms to keep me from doing so. “I am so sorry, I--” I stop in my tracks as I look up into the gorgeous green eyes that belong to the attractive brunette that saved me from landing on the cold pavement. “A-are you okay?” he asks, letting go of me. “I--wait…” He furrows his eyebrows in confusion. “You can see me? And you can touch me?” That’s the weirdest question I’d ever gotten. My eyebrows knit together now too, trying to figure out what’s happening and why this boy is so confused about our entire interaction. “Uhm, yeah? Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do with people?” “No. I mean -- yeah, but I’m not a person, technically,” he replies in a mumble. He cautiously looks up at me again. “I’m a ghost, actually.” I let the words sizzle through my brain until it decides to send me into a fit of laughter. “Right, yeah, it’s Halloween. Ghosts. I get it. Good one,” I say between laughs, patting the boy’s shoulder, which only sends him to more confusion. To be fair, he doesn’t feel like a normal person. His arms don’t feel like they’re made of flesh and blood, but rather something light and airy. He gapes at me with this inquisitive look on his face, which calms down the laughter abruptly. “You’re not really a ghost, are you?” I ask, just to be certain. “I am, actually…” he mutters and jams his hands into the pockets of his black jeans. “Me and my bandmates died in 1995 and this girl, Julie, brought us back as ghosts… She’s the only one who could see us… Until now,” he looks up at me with hope and confusion written all over his face. “But she can’t touch us… Are you sure you’re not dead either?” I snort at his last question. “Kinda wish I was today,” I blurt out. My eyes widen after the words left my mouth. “That sounds way too dark…” I chuckle, and the boy does too, but I think it’s more out of awkwardness than finding it funny. “Are you okay?” he asks. At first, I think about answering it superficially, but there’s this look on his face that makes me want to spill all the beans. He, too, seems lonely and distraught on this Halloween night. “I’m not actually,” I glance down at my feet, finding his feet are clad in the same shoes. I then let my eyes glide from his shoes all the way up to his face. He’s urging me to continue by tilting his head a little, shooting me a questioning glance. “Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday…” I clarify. The boy nods his head understandingly. “That explains the lack of costume,” he says, which makes me glance down at my doodled-on mom jeans and oversized sweater before chuckling. “You don’t do the dressing up either? Or is that not something ghosts do?” I query, pointing at his ensemble. He’s wearing black jeans with a shirt and long-lined jean jacket. “I mean, it’s not like anyone would see,” he jokingly says, which lets a giggle escape from my mouth. His smile widens upon hearing this ridiculous sound coming from me. “Where were you going so determinedly before I smashed into you?” he asks after a few beats of silence. “Oh, I was getting some food from the place on the end of our street. They got pretty decent sushi, and since I’m home alone tonight, I thought, why the heck not treat myself, right?” I curse at myself for sharing this much with a complete stranger, who is a ghost, nonetheless, but the chuckle that reaches my ears comforts me a little. “No parties to go to? Back in my day, Halloween parties were always the best.” I feel the smile on my face fade away at the reminder of the Halloween party I’m not attending tonight. “Yeah, no… I haven’t gone to any Halloween party in two years… Like I said, Halloween isn’t my favorite holiday.” He offers me a sympathetic smile. A silence then falls over us as we stand in the middle of the street, looking at each other, debating what to say. “So… I’m gonna go and get my sushi. Uhm… Sorry for bumping into you,” I apologize and lift a foot to start walking away, but his voice stops me. “Would you mind if I tagged along?” he asks, which renders me surprised. “I don’t eat, so you don’t have to buy me sushi, but I think I could use some company tonight… If you don’t mind, of course.” His eyes are filled with hope, and some sort of desire to hang out with someone other than those bandmates he was talking about. “Uhm, no… Yeah, sure. You can tag along. It might be a nice change from that lonely Halloween I always have,” I chuckle, and he does too. “I’m Y/N, by the way,” I say as he turns and falls into step with me. “Luke,” he introduces himself with a smile. “Why don’t you go to Halloween parties, Y/N?” I inhale sharply at this question. I was hoping he wouldn’t ask too much about it. But I guess I can never get out of that question anymore. Halloween is a big holiday around here. “Two years ago, I went to one with my boyfriend. It’s the party where I found out he was cheating on me with the one girl who always had it out for me.” It rolls off my lips with ease. Normally, I’d choke or start bawling my eyes out. But Luke’s aura is so calming and reassuring that I can’t help but feel okay telling the story. “I haven’t been able to go back since, much to my best friend’s dismay.” I roll my eyes amusedly thinking about Ava and her desperate attempts to get me to go each year. “That sucks, I’m sorry,” he says as we enter the sushi place. “You better grab your phone now if you wanna talk to me. People tend to give weird looks at people talking to themselves.” I get my phone from my back pocket and pretend to dial a number before pressing it to my ear, glancing up at Luke with a smile on my face. “Hey, how you doing?” I say into the phone, which makes Luke giggle. “Just know that your ex-boyfriend’s stupid for ever cheating on you,” he tells me before looking down at his feet. “I would never wanna hurt someone as pretty as you.”  I can feel a blush creeping its way onto my cheeks, but decide to conceal it by jokingly saying, “Aw, you think I’m pretty.” He rolls his eyes, an amused smile on his face. “Next!” the guy from the sushi place yells. “Oh, hold on,” I say into my phone before placing it on the counter and facing the employer. “Uhm, the Halloween surprise box, please,” I order politely. The man nods curtly before getting into action. I grab my phone again and press it to my ear to continue talking to Luke while we make our way to a couple of chairs and tables set up for waiting customers. I let my eyes wander around the room. It’s decorated to the max with spiders in spiderwebs, pumpkins, skeletons, ghosts,... The lot. Then, my eyes fall onto Luke. He’s glancing around the place, letting his eyes wander until they find their way back to me. A shimmer appears in them when he finds me already looking at him. “So, you said you were in a band?” I ask, pretending to talk to the person on the other side of the line. “Oh, yeah! Me and three of my best friends were in this band called Sunset Curve. Three of us died on the night we were supposed to play the Orpheum,” he explains, and my eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets upon hearing the name of the venue. “The Orpheum?! You’re kidding, right?” He shakes his head, smirking. “You would’ve been legends.” The words come out in a whisper, hoping it wouldn’t upset him too much. “Yea, we would’ve been,” he sighs, then suddenly perks up again like an excited puppy, “But the girl I told you about, Julie? She can make us visible whenever we play with her! We’re now a band with her called Julie and The Phantoms!” I giggle at his endearing enthusiasm. “We would’ve had a gig at this really cool party in the Bel Air, but Julie got sick and had to cancel.” My eyes widen upon the words ‘party’ and ‘Bel Air’. Charlotte Parks lives in Bel Air. “That would be the party I’m not going to tonight,” I tell him, chuckling. “So, we would’ve met tonight either way.” He adds with a cheeky smile, “Some would say it’s fate.”  I shake my head at him, but can’t help the smile on my face either. I want to add something to debunk his theory, but my name is called out by the sushi guy. I get up and take the box of sushi from him, shooting him a quick thank you before leaving the joint with Luke in tow. “Where do you wanna go?” he asks, bouncing up and down. “Oh, I was planning on watching some movies at home, but if you have a better idea to spend tonight? Anything is better than going to that Halloween party.” He purses his lips in ponder, his eyes darting up to the night sky. “Ooh! There’s this park I like to hang out at sometimes?” I raise my eyebrows at his suggestion, popping a piece of sushi in my mouth. I’m way too hungry to wait until we sit down to eat. “You haunt children’s playgrounds?” I ask after having swallowed the seafood. His eyebrows knit together at this as he narrows his eyes at me. “I don’t haunt children’s playgrounds. I hang out at them,” he corrects me. “You’re a ghost, sweetie. That’s haunting.” “It’s not!” he shouts. “It is so!” I laugh loudly, throwing my head back. “You’re lucky the kids are all trick or treating tonight, so we can go there. Might be a little more secluded for me to talk freely to you without worrying people will think I’m crazy.” He nods his head agreeingly. Once at the park, we take a seat in the grass. I have my legs crossed whilst Luke’s are spread out, his hands supporting the rest of his body behind him. “So, what do you do in life, Y/N? You know, besides avoiding parties,” he asks with a little smile plastered on his face. I look at him for a moment, chewing my sushi. This gives me the time to really look at him. He has really great bone structure. Sharp jawline, chiseled cheekbones, fine nose, deep-set, dreamy eyes. “Eating sushi,” I reply jokingly after I’d swallowed the piece of deliciousness. Luke lets out a laugh too. “I’m still in school, so I’m spending most of my time studying. And I like to think I’m a pretty decent writer.” He stares at me, giving me his undivided attention with the cutest smile plastered on his face. “What do you write?” he asks curiously as I pop another sushi in my mouth. I lift my hand to my mouth, and reply, “Poems,” before continuing to chew quickly. “Kinda like songs, then?” I shrug my shoulders. “They could be, but I don’t play any  instrument, so I haven’t tried,” I reply and place the half-eaten box of sushi to the side, pulling my legs up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “Do you write your own music?” He nods his head. “I wrote most of the songs in our band and now, I write with Julie for the new band,” he answers. As I’m thinking how much I’d like to hear him and his band play, he cuts those thoughts in two by asking, “Can I see your work?” I open my mouth, then close it. Then open again. I must look like a goldfish breathing. “I’ve never really shown anyone my work…” I trail off, debating whether or not I should show him. “Besides, my notebook is at home.” Luke suddenly gets up from the grass and reaches out his hand for me to take. I hesitate. Am  I really going to take a complete stranger, a ghost, to my house to show my poetry, only to find out he hates it because it’s nothing like his songwriting? The answer is yes. I place my hand in his and let him pull me to my feet. Without letting go of my hand, he grabs the box of sushi and then guides me out of the park and lets me lead us towards my house. “Wait here,” I tell him as we’re in the foyer. He simply jams his hands into his pockets and nods his head curtly. I run up the stairs, taking them two at a time, and then go to grab my notebook from my room, quickly storming back downstairs where Luke’s still waiting. I make my way to the living room and sit down on the couch. The boy cautiously trails behind me, and only comes to sit down after I pat the spot beside me. “It’s not that great, but… You know, it’s fun to do and a great outlet for anything I may be feeling.” I hand him the notebook and let him flip through all the pages. He stops on a few, reading it a little more thoroughly. It’s building some suspense in me. What if he doesn’t even like them? What if he, a songwriter, hates them? “Ah! This one!” he exclaims, and suddenly, with a whoosh, there’s an acoustic guitar on his lap. “One of the perks of being a musician spirit,” he tells me with a grin before strumming the instrument a little. He abruptly stops, looks at the page in my notebook again, and then softly tickles the strings. A beautiful melody pours out of the instrument before his melodic voice joins in too with the words I wrote. “I saw your face in the fire again I touched the flames and burned down everything I hear the sirens west of 8th now” He looks at me with a questioning glance as if asking for encouragement of some sorts. I offer him a smile, unsure of anything else I could be doing right now. His voice has rendered me silent. I think I could listen to him sing for hours.  “Wonder if you're hearin' them too And I know you don't belong  Know you don't belong to anyone” He focuses on the instrument again, making sure he’s still playing the right chords.  “No you can't be tamed love Maybe I was wrong  Maybe I was wrong for this But you feel like the perfect escape now Just like the sun on my face” His voice grows a little stronger, almost sounding raspier and more like a growl as he looks up again. I always thought it’d be cliché to melt when an attractive boy sings to me, but it’s actually happening to me right now.  “So can we close the space between us now It's the distance we don't need  Yeah, you're everything I love about The things I hate in me  So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place” “You sing this last part,” he tells me, pushing the notebook towards me before going back to playing his guitar.  “I can’t sing, Luke,” I tell him, slightly panicking.  “Sure you can. I’ll sing along, don’t worry,” he offers me a reassuring smile before putting more power behind his strumming while also leaning closer toward me to read the words.  “So come on, come on, come over now and Fix me with your grace 'Cause I'm not too far and you're my favorite place” He now quits playing, placing his hands flat on the strings, and for a while we just stare at each other in disbelief. Disbelief about the song we just made together. Disbelief about how beautiful a voice he has. Disbelief about how attractive he is.  I cough, breaking the eye contact, “That’s a great song, Luke… You can have it if you want,” I offer with a smile to try and hide the blush from heating up my cheeks.  “No, Y/N, I couldn’t. That’s yours. Those are your words. Your words made this a great song.”  “They’re just words without a melody,” I mutter, folding the edges of the paper nervously.  “A song is quite boring without words though, isn’t it?”  For some reason, I’m starting to think all of this could be a metaphor for us. Him being the melody and me being the words. I would be a plain and simple poem without him, and his life -- though I doubt it -- would be boring without me.  “It would still be a song though,” I add, looking up at him again. One corner of his mouth curls up into a smirk, which makes me think he caught onto that metaphor I was thinking about. He suddenly grabs my hand and laces our fingers together. Before I can even register what’s happening, the front door suddenly opens, revealing a distraught-looking Ava. I let go of Luke’s hand and get up to help my best friend.  “What’s wrong?” I ask her as she stumbles inside. I grab her just in time before she can hurt herself. She looks up at me, her makeup run out all the way to her chin and blood trickling down her nose, though I’m not sure if it’s real blood or part of her cat costume.  “I punched Brent in the face and Charlotte punched me back,” she get out through sobs and hiccups. My eyes dart over to Luke, who’s watching this from the sofa. I almost forgot she can’t even see him. He offers me a small smile.  “Why?” I ask and guide her to the couch. She nearly sits down on top of Luke, but I’m quick enough to guide her next to him while he vanishes. He pops back behind the couch, looking down at the drunk girl lying down on the sofa.  “Because he was boasting about how he even managed to wrap the prude around his finger two years ago and got her to anything he wanted,” I swallow, remember those times people called me a prude because I covered up unlike girls like Charlotte who wore short skirts and plunging necklines. “I really don’t get what you saw in him, Y/N,” she mumbles while cuddling up to the pillow and letting her eyes flutter shut. “I hope you find someone that looks at you like I look at pizza.” I giggle at her drunken words before looking up at Luke to find him already looking at me. Kind of the same way Ava looks at pizza. A smile then finds its way to my face. Maybe Halloween isn’t as bad as I always thought it was. 

Taglist: @hannahhistorian92 @marinettepotterandplagg @thequirkybookaholic @bookdealer5 @tenaciousperfectionunknown @hemmingsness @iainttakingshitfromnobody @ifilwtmfc @angryknightstatesmantrash @kiss-themoongoodbye @rudysbay @thedarkqueenofavalon @caitsymichelle13 @calamitykaty @parkeret @lukeys-giggle @gingerxarmy @lovesanimals @lolychu @perfectlywrongformend3s @luckylouiebug @camiladelrio98 @myfriendscallmebeans

[im-like-if-a-girl]

*THE* mean-girl-dean-girl's Supernatural reboot MEGAPOST!

I'm gonna stick a little "keeping reading" here because hoooooo boy, this is a very long post.

Let's start with

Plot

Season 1

Dean kills John while they are out on a hunt in a crime of passion, but Dean doesn't remember because he blacked out. Cue Dean going to Stanford to get Sam and tell him "Dad's on a hunting trip... and he hasn't been home in a couple days."

The audience doesn't know what happened to John, but slowly figures it out with Dean and Sam as Dean slowly remembers what happened that night.

The entire first season, the boys are following the trail John left and fighting monsters as well. They find out Dean was with John, Sam realizes Dean has an unreliable memory, they have heart to hearts about their childhood and the fire, they find John's body, "how could you kill Dad?" but maybe Dean didn't kill dad, whooaaaaaa, misdirection.

It was actually good ole yeller eyes (Azazel) and he made it look like Dean killed John.

Okay, now let's move on to the first episode

Not sure how the opening would work, I would like the story of the fire to be revealed over the course of the first season, but maybe the opening scene could be a little bit of an establishing character relationships and backstory, idk, I haven't thought that far yet.

I'm thinking maybe it's like, Dean gets back to a motel room covered in blood and he listens to a voicemail on his phone from John saying he was on a hunt or something, I don't really know lol.

HOWEVER

I do know that after the intro rolls, we get a scene of Sam waking up to his alarm and "Nine to Five" by Dolly Parton starts playing.

Y'all know where this is going.

Cue a montage of Sam's normal Stanford college life (him sitting through lectures, walking through the campus with friends) spliced with scenes of Dean absolutely slaughtering a nest of vampires (or some other monsters, whatever works best.)

But

Now onto

Characters!!! (And descriptions)

Dean Winchester

Some lovely person on this site made edits of Dean with platinum blond hair and it made me feel some kind of way so we're doing that, homie's gonna have platinum blond hair

Side note about the hair, later when the brothers are running from the FBI he dyes it a dirty blond/light brown (insert jackles hair color controversy here) as a disguise.

He also gets tattoos because we were robbed.

Speaking of tattoos, concept: when Dean comes back from Hell, all of his tattoos are gone. His body is a clean slate, devoid of tattoos, scars, etc. So he gets his tattoos done all over again, which he doesn't mind because he made some bad, drunk tattoo decisions in his youth.

(And before you ask, yes, he does get one for Cas, either a bee or Cas's name in enochian, something cute.)

Dean goes to therapy after Sam gets sent to the Cage.

It's actually court mandated because he got in trouble, lol, he would never go to therapy on his own.

Along with the hair, Dean gets to be the grade A twunk we all know he is.

Sam Winchester

His hair gets longer in every scene he's in

No jk, but imagine

King of Microaggressions

Sam starts off like the sweetheart he is in season 1 but in later seasons he starts enjoying killing a little too much...

It's that demon blood, ba-by!!!

He brings up issues of morality to Dean, i.e. killing monsters who aren't hurting anyone. (Yes I know this is contradictory to my previous statement, but these two facets of Sam can and will coexist.)

Sam and Jess's relationship is explored further, meaning we'll need to start with a different inciting incident, but that's fine, I think everyone can agree fridgings are *(thumbs down)*

Sam doesn't truly know what happened the night of the fire until later, and then he understands why Dean is so protective of him.

Jess

She gets to live beyond the first episode

She is also trans

No, I don't feel like I have to explain myself and I won't 💜

She urges Sam to join Dean in a search for their brother, kind of gets pulled into the hunter lifestyle by association lol.

She dies on a rusty nail after fighting vampires on a routine hunt with Sam

No jk!!!

But imagine....

She's amazing and I love her and Lucifer also uses her as leverage against Sam and possesses her because I think that'd be cool.

She supports Sam 100% and also she and Dean are buddies, pals if you will.

She meets Cas Thee El and immediately she Knows, that is a homosexual.

She dies still so that we can have a Saileen Endgame but she's not dying the first episode or in a fridging. Not on my watch.

Castiel

He gets to keep his raw, light-fixture-exploding power.

I want more of that "I pulled you out of hell, I can throw you back in" energy except over dumb shit like Dean not cleaning up after himself.

He looks like a Dilf in every scene he's in, yeah, that's right, dilf with a capital D for *(GUNSHOTS)* *(gets sent to horny jail)*

Claire

She gets pink hair

And more time with Cas

And maybe a nose piercing

Feel like she should be able to kill a couple angels onscreen, punch a couple homophobes

She gets to meet Jack and teaches him swears and fun slang words.

She deserves it.

Jack

I says "that's my baby and I'm proud."

Jack starts off as a baby, but like Amara he grows up super quickly.

Like, baby to 11 year old in a couple days or less.

This is because Jack's emotional age on the show is on par with that of a 5th grader.

It's at this point when he's a young kid that he runs away from the Bunker and shenanigans ensue.

It's also at this point that Dean threatens to k*ll him.

(Still not sure if I want that in my Supernatural (threatened infanticide? In my Supernatural? It's more likely than you think) but we'll see. We'll see.)

Throughout a majority of season 13, Jack is like an 11 y.o. kid

Season 14 he's like a 16 y.o. teenager

Season 15 he's 21, you get the picture.

Listen, I love Alex Calvert a lot. He's great.

But Jack is a child and should be a child.

Kelly Kline

Kelly, baby, stay right where you are, you're perfect.

Eileen

SHE DOESN'T DIE

SHE GETS TO BE IN THE FINALE BECAUSE SHE'S AMAZING AND I LOVE HER.

BLURRY WIFE WHO? I ONLY KNOW SAILEEN ENDGAME!

She teaches Claire and Jack swears in sign-language. Castiel is not impressed.

John

J*hn W*nchester stans, DNI.

He's dead.

We only see him in flashbacks and only sometimes hear his voice in voice overs.

He's not "down the road" from Dean in Heaven, in fact he instead gets to wander around in some Purgatory like Hell for the rest of his time :)

People who get to say "fuck" on the show:

Cas (but only Once)

Jody

Bobby

Now onto other things

I want more of

Ghostfacers

(they need more screentime because I love them)

Dean/Benny

We know they had a thing.

They definitely had a thing.

Demon Dean

Again, I feel like more should've been done with this. All that build up for what, 2 episodes? was not utilized well at all.

Dean's Bisexuality

Straight Dean truthers DNI, my Supernatural is a show about love and being true to yourself

You think Supernatural is a show about 2 straight brothers fighting monsters?

Naw bitch, this is a show about the Gay Experience

He will get to have relations with men on this show.

Of course, only after John dies does he, y'know, display it. Maybe he kisses Cas on his dad's grave just to fuck John over, make him roll in grave.

We all agree John would be/is a homophobe piece of shit, right?

Okay, glad we're on the same page.

Dads

3 men and a baby with Jack is what I'm saying.

I love it when the Trio are father-figures to younger troubled characters they see themselves in, even better if it's like reluctant-but-loving father figure, oh, that trope gets me every time :'^)

Dadstiel and DadDean are my favorites, but I like it when Sam plays "Uncle Sam" to kids too lol.

"Fellas, is it gay to want a tight knit family with your husband, his son, his vessel's daughter, your brother, his wife, your cop mother figure and her wife and their adopted daughters? Asking for a friend."

Garth

Biggest flaw of Supernatural was underutilizing Garth.

I will never not be bitter that Garth was only in like, 7 episodes out of the whole 15 season series.

Every episode with Garth gets immediately 5 times better.

I love Garth.

Follow ups on characters who had entire episodes featured around them and then just... vanished???

This is mostly about Jesse, the magic kid whose imagination ruled an entire town like, his daddy was a demon and nothing came of that kid??? Only one episode about him?? No follow up???

KID CAN MANIPULATE REALITY AND WE'RE NOT GONNA GET A FOLLOW UP ON THAT?????

Uh, there was that one episode with Ennis the guy whose girlfriend was killed by a monster? I think?? Who we never see again, that was weird.

Tamara from season 3, episode 1.

And of course-

Cassie

She was so cool, and then we never saw her again :////

She gets to be a badass.

Religious imagery

As a former Catholic school student who has become for the most part, disillusioned with religion, religious imagery in TV shows like Supernatural make my brain go "brrrrrr."

Fun episodes!!!

Like, after season 6 or so, there's a drop in funny episodes

I'm talking Changing Channels, The French Mistake type stuff. (Scoobynatural is an outlier and should not be counted.)

So anyway

In my version we would have more fun episodes

I'm thinking

GENDER-SWAP EPISODE, BABY!!

(why they didn't do that in the original, we'll never know.)

An episode where Dean gets to wear eyeliner

That's it, end of post.

I want less

Racism

Yeah I feel like this is self explanatory, nearly every reoccurring character in SPN is white, and black side characters normally die in the episode they first appear in, or they'll be featured as a villain (Uriel, Raphael, Billie, etc)

Also there's a lot of... uh... asian fetishism featured in the show (what with "Busty Asian Beauties) that's really gross, also Kevin was a bit of a stereotype...

Also also it's super yucky how they kill the gods from other religions like???? Uh??? That's super disrespectful, let's not do that????

I know Supernatural is like, inherently racist because monsters are a separate race that are seen as some dangerous "other" that must be eradicated by hunters in a form of genocide-

Okay we won't get into that but

Still

Stop killing all your POC

Fridgings/Unecessary murders of female characters

I know Supernatural starts with a fridging, so this will be a hard thing to remedy, but

One death that really pissed me off was the death of Charlie

Yeah, that was pointless and we're not doing that. Charlie gets to live and be an awesome aunt to Jack.

And also Claire

Charlie Bradbury Superiority

Charlie and Garth get to meet because they're nerd/geek solidarity.

British Men of Letters

I fucking hate these guys

They're "litcherally" the worst.

The worst part is that the actors they have playing the British AREN'T. EVEN. BRITISH.

And you can tell

Uh, and that's all for now, I'll add more later.

tag list for people who liked my "if this post gets one like I'll post my SPN reboot masterpost" post.

@darianyunidi @sarasidlesaid @crazybananaalpaca @playfulpanthress @ultfreakme @fififeelsmellow @heller-char @luna8eaton @princessmeganfire @insanebot109 @queenofnightsnow @mongoose-underthehouse

Thank you for the support, hope the wait was worth it.

[emilx311]

Life Update

Hey all, so I pretty much vanished off the internet for the past few months (whoops sorry about that) but things have been crazy irl! Here’s a bit of a summary for those who were wondering what happened to me:

So, for context sake a few fun facts about me. I work as a night auditor at a hotel and have done so since August 2019, I graduated Uni with a degree in Justice Studies in 2018, and I have several minor but chronic health issues that lead to me being very low energy-ie having less spoons than a normal person and needing more sleep.

Aside from the issues already inherent with 2020′s....everything we had several more personal issues at my (I say my because I work there) motel. Mainly around staffing, and especially around night audit staffing.

Since I was hired we’ve gone through 5 or 6 other night auditors (I think? maybe more). And they often.....quit with barely any notice. So, being our only consistent night auditor I’ve been called in last minute several times over the past year leading to 6 or even 7 day weeks. (Not Fun!)

Even when we have had another trained night auditor with us they often also do day shifts since we only need them for 2 nights a week. Turn over for day-shift people has been barely lower than turn over for night shift, which has led to them having to be called in last minute to cover day shifts when people left which means I also had to be called in last minute to cover the night shifts they were no longer able to do, leading to us all working 6 or even 7 day weeks (Super Not Fun!)

In summary: I’ve worked more overtime days than I have had vacation days in this last year. Heck, the last time I tried to go on vacation for like 5 days I got called in every other day and my boss (our regional manager) paid me double for the shifts I worked and refused to touch my vacation pay because even he acknowledged that was in no way a real vacation at that point (this was at the beginning of September btw...)

This was all compounded when our general manager (gm) left in late July. Her reason for leaving was super fair since she got a better job offer, similar pay to what she was making, less work since she would no longer have to do all the duties our boss should have been doing but was instead pushing off unto her. Super sad to see her go but wished her the best (still miss her) :(

This left our under manager (gsm) and me as the main people in the hotel (ie those who have been there the longest, only the gsm and housekeepers had been there longer than I had at that point-and I had not even reached my 1 year yet). Which, not super great, but the other people we had were okay so we would manage. So the gsm and I held things together and started basically running the hotel (shout out to the gsm here because I love her and she is actually like 5 years younger than me but has accomplished so much more, I am in constant awe of her tbh). Our boss (who is....kind of dumb sometimes) realized this. We became his golden girls (he plays favorites hard).

It is at that point that someone above our boss’s level in the company (he’s in charge locally, but we do belong to a large corporation, ah capitalism) hired disaster #1 as our first new gm. Disaster #1 was creepily cheerful and utterly dismayed to find out his job actually involved him doing work! Like working at the front desk during his shifts and doing manager stuff instead of it just being him sitting in the back looking important and giving us encouragement occasionally. He payed no attention to his training. He did very little of his basic work let alone the manager stuff. He took credit and praised “the team” whenever something went right and pushed blame off him unto everyone else as hard as he could when something went wrong (I once pointed out he forgot to do something and he legit said to me “can you prove it was me?” I said “yes” very firmly.)

Now, as the auditor my job is to spot, point out, and fix errors. He hated coming in to to work after me because I spotted and pointed out everything he missed or did incorrectly. At first just because I happened to notice them. Then it became personal, he cornered me one morning at shift change and told me that he dreaded coming in to work after me because I was always so critical, and he had so much to do during his shifts other than just front desk stuff (he did not, most of the “manager” stuff he was even trained in doing at this point he shoved off unto the gsm) he then disparaged the gsm. I was done, I was pissed (you do not say mean things about my gsm, nope, not okay, I will cut and slab you*) and kind of hurt (why are you taking my corrections as personal attacks? Why are you saying I’m mean for doing my job?) So, if he wanted to make it personal I decided to make it personal and made it my mission to find and point out everything he did wrong, no more overlooking small things as I had been. The pressure of actually having to work made him quit (shocking, not!).

It was also around this time that I signed up for an LSAT prep course. Because I hate myself and now that I’ve been working for a couple years and have some money saved up I want to follow through on my plan to get either a Law Degree or a Masters Degree and so am working on taking the LSAT and applying to law schools. No, studying has not been going well, time and energy have also been preventing that.

Fast forward a couple months and 2 of our best employees went on holiday (one they had scheduled months before). It’s the start of January, they will be gone for two months. In that time our boss had hired our next gm, idiot #2. Just as these two leave the other front desk person we’d been training quits with no notice. We are short staffed....again (yay more 6 and 7 day weeks, ack). To fill in this gap our boss brings in idiot #3 from one of the other 2 hotels in the area our company owns.

Idiot #2 is semi okay, he is not manager material, even months after he was hired to be gm he does not have the training and is basically just a front desk agent. He is bad about doing things himself unless you specifically direct him to with very clear instructions, but he can do the minimum (although he failed the coffee test. After idiot #1 I wrote out very, VERY specific instructions for how to clean our coffee station....he is not able to follow them. The gsm and I joked about the coffee test after I first wrote the instructions, that someone actually failed it....we despair). So, he does not think ahead, do any extra, or solve many problems but at least he rarely creates problems.

This brings us to idiot #3. I do not know what goes on in his head (very little likely) but man oh man. Some examples: the time he-after being asked like 4 times-actually sign off on the checklist after cleaning the laundry room (as everyone is supposed to once a shift) but did so in sharpie instead of one of the many dry-erase markers left around the front desk for no other reason than the clearly laminated sign off sheet. Or the time he decided on his own to give someone a satisfaction refund, far larger than it should have been (which only managers and those with special permission can do in any of the hotels, so he should know better but somehow....)

We have a book for front desk to write messages on about issues for the next people. Usually we have a note or two on any given day. Pretty much every day he worked it was full and even going onto the next page. Idk how, it’s like he touched something and issues sprung up. and Guess who got to be the one to fix all of them (woooo).

For the past few weeks I have had 2 days a week where the only people who worked were me and idiots #2 and #3. It’s been horrible. In addition, my days off were changed for these months so I haven’t been able to meet my one bubble inclusive friend to vent like we usually do once a week, because that time no longer fit in my schedule. I have been living in exhaustive hell for the past couple months, and even before that as I tried to lighten the gsm’s load as much as I could as she took on a lot of the gm stuff. My house is a mess, tbh my life is a mess because work has left me so tired and stressed that I basically get home, shower, collapse onto bed, read a bit, sleep, wake-up, find some sort of food, get ready for work, go to work, and repeat. Even on my days off I’m sleeping 75% of the time and resting to try and shore up my spoons (of which I already have fewer than most people) to get through the work week.

tl;dr Due to ridiculousness I ended up unofficially co-running a hotel and it’s sucked up so much of my energy that all my free time is pretty much spent sleeping just to ensure I’m able to get through my work weeks semi-functionally. Everything about my life has been a mess, to the point where I’m legit not sure how I’ve been keeping myself fed, clean, on meds and just generally....alive.

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Bulgaria brings a mentally reassuring anthem to Rotterdam 2021

I’ve said so that VICTORIA herself sort of agreed to have done “Tears Getting Sober” if she was allowed to, but for one I have to thank that EBU said that the artists can’t have their 2020 songs back? You’ll see why when I get to the review after two boring paragraphs of text with technical info, for the country that is Bulgaria!

ARTIST & ENTRY INFO

Victoria Georgieva (or VICTORIA, but I can’t be arsed to continuously capitalize her name so I’ll just say Victoria from now on) was born a singer, for she started to sing at the age 11, went to a specific school of angel voices (no really that’s what it was called), and tried to go to the X Factor while a liiiiiittle too young until realizing that she needed to wait for a few years, and wait a few years she did, and went on to the X Factor again.

She didn’t win, but she still got to sign a contract and sing some stuff in Bulgarian before she decided to rebrand, started singing in English, and completely decided that ballads is her style. She cannot really do upbeat most of the time. So you can’t really have a bop from her in the future. (Well except that there’s a couple of songs in her discography that I personally classify as “bops” but they’re more like... idek sad bops?? but they can be danced to, but I get her, she doesn’t do anything that’s more loud and upbeat and clubby and summery kind of - in short, nothing you can go “YAAASSSS QUEEEEEN” over to.)

The entry she ended up singing, “Growing Up Is Getting Old”, is what I can describe to be about overcoming the emotional twists and turns inside of you as you grow older, because as it turns out, it ain’t what you thought it would be - but if you push just a little further, you realize that if you’re growing up, maybe the life isn’t so bad, afterall - you are able to get up. Somehow. It was written as part of Boris-Milanov-led songwriting camp held during summer, and a lot of people seemed to be a part of it because multiple different folk have songwriting credits on the potential Bulgarian entries this year.

REVIEW

Let’s get this out of the way immediately. I prefer “Growing Up Is Getting Old” to “Tears Getting Sober”. The former sounds a lot less irritatingly underwhelming and a lot more positively overwhelming you with warm emotions and sunglow. “Tears Getting Sober” was a song I could never really connect with - maaaaybe the last chorus is much better on there, but it doesn’t do much for me either, I guess.

Their 2021 forray however is a much different kind of thing - once again, going for lyrical non-cliches, Victoria tells a tale about her inner turmoils and continuing in life, in a way that’s personal to her and also kind of relatable to all of us. We all have these moments of fear and anxiety and nervous systems aching. If only there was someone who’d tell us that we’re worth saving... thanks a lot Victoria, you’re the MVP. Filling in the void that Netherlands from last year had brought us but not anymore - another personal song about getting old and having those kind of feelings inside - and doing a great job at taking the baton in the right way (even with featuring the word “grow” in both of the titles, neat coincidence).

Not only the lyrics feel like a hug, the song just emulates ray of sunshine and golden glitter coming down from the sky, Molly Sanden style. The violins in the G major key playing so precisely, building up momentum throughout the entire song, slowly but surely - starting with the ticking clock in the first verse that may have subtle violin in there; and the first chorus is just so simple piano, and then the second chorus has a tinge of electronic something, and the last chorus goes full in with the backing vocals boosting the song, after Victoria performs the quite magnificent bridge... now I don’t have synesthesia but I associate music keys with colors, and to me G major would always come across as something yellow or orange - “Growing Up Is Getting Old” is a perfect example of why’s that for me. And obviously, Victoria’s love for harmony-humming (even if there’s just one instance of it after she sings “star crossed soul”) complements the song to a T.

And it turned out to be a much better choice than last year’s. Maybe finally a female ballad I am getting behind.

Now I wanna know why the bookies don’t appreciate THIS entry as much as last year?

Granted, now it’s 2021 and the environment is so much different, and the songs have changed, and the dynamics have changed, and now there’s suddenly more competition at stake. And for Bulgaria it fares quite much more underwhelmingly - well, at this moment they’re like 6th, which isn’t bad, but there’s a lack of sung praises coming its way, not quite a feat that “Tears Getting Sober” actually achieved, being the bookies fave right before the cancellation of last year. In general the year has been pretty dry for the previous winner picks like Iceland, Lithuania and this, but I can’t say that the previous winner bets from 2020 are all that dead either? Though I gotta say that Bulgaria wasn’t gonna win 2020 anyway, so it’s a lose-lose in this case.

Also I just can’t at that music video being a little dramatic at the beginning, with the cancellation of Eurovision being presented as if it were a worldwide disaster during which we all shall lock ourselves into bunkers and wait until the better days, eventhough the panini is not war and war supplies kit is not just enough to survive it. But it seems like that the world is quite literally falling apart, as evidenced by Victoria going through all kinds of pathways away from her living room, meeting a  (presumably) mini version of her somewhere in between, and literally surrounded by the shaking environment by the last moments of the song

before we realize it was just reality recursing from the TV’s point of view that Victoria was watching all along, and then she leaves the living room again, but in her world, everything is normal and she could just go wherever she wants by car. Even I can’t come up with a storyline ending that’s somewhat intertwined and all plot-twisty and more confusing than that. But props to her team I guess

Approval factor: Let’s say I somewhat approve this message. Follow-up factor: For the sake of argument let me just say that Bulgaria is moving on a great path, eventhough the former entry leaves me cold, at least the current entry keeps me warm at all times, like a cup of cocoa and a good blanket. Please Bulgaria, never run out of sponsors. Qualification factor: I’ve seen one or two people throw around the “surprise NQ” tag for this song and I don’t get why??? There’s no way that the tense atmosphere of semifinal 2 would sure-fire-ly kill Bulgaria, even if they have a lot less chances to win this year than they had the last one. There can be some shock NQs indeed though, and if there are, I am paging... uhhhhh Finland? Idk why but you might see what I mean if I ever get around to reviewing “Dark Side”. Bulgaria? Never. It may not win the semi but it will cradle around the top 7 somehow.

INTERNAL NF CORNER

That’s right, Bulgaria managed to do both.

At the time when one other of Bulgaria’s songs got released, within the *Special* Eurovision September 1st-onwards range, people naturally succumbed to their primal instinct of asking whether that’s her Eurovision song... only for Vic to probably announce this early on that no, it’s just *one* of potential ESC entries she’s harbouring. And the remaining potential ones were all on her debut EP. Who actually got a more well-orchestrated schedule for everyone to follow, and yet, people were much more keen to cling on the first EP song out of the gate, “Imaginary Friend”. Now I get that the fans of that song were super upset at the revelation that IF is not going, but it is a technically strong song for the sake of being a technically strong song, and I don’t want to think that Victoria is only forced to choose the songs that can win for her, so she’s such a sweetheart for gravitating towards a song she could dearly care about. So props to her team saving the initial winner for last to be revealed, lol.

Though wasn’t her personal favourite a Billie-Eilish-lite-upbeat-kinda-track Phantom Pain?

Which was also my personal favourite?

Look, I know that favouring the only non-ballad in the whole lineup (well “Ugly Cry” is also not quite a ballad but its beat is kinda so-so, so I tend to ignore it) is kinda sus, also, y’all are sick to death to Billie Eilish comparisons, but I do believe that Billie would never be able to do an “Imaginary Friend” while Victoria could do a “Lovely”. This makes me remember the cover art of Billie’s debut album where she sits on her bed, dressed in white, and so is Victoria on this very MV, with strange shit going on behind her in the mirror. To the mirror, her reflection acts creepy, back again.

The other 2 I don’t feel like caring about enough, sure they got their cred, sure there’s one entry properly crediting Milanov (who seems to not have an actual entry this year that’s purely attributed to *him*, as opposed to 3 last year, 2 of which were performed by acts that returned this year????), sure there’s the funny thing about having a funeral song where out of this and Finland only Austria managed to send a quote unquote “funeral” song, but I think the funeral song would’ve sounded better if the pre-section of it on the “Phantom Pain” video was THE “funeral” song itself, and not whatever was that other funeral song.

In between there was a public sort of survey where people could submit feedback and positive words to Vic’s choices to help her decide - I didn’t get to vote but I feel fine with the winner eitherway, and that counts for something! And the end result was revealed at the very end of Victoria’s very own rooftop concert.

The colors on the circle thingy of this, they were meant to symbolize all Bulgarian entries up to Victoria’s 2nd one, in pictograms that kind of reminded me of Coldplay attributing every song on ‘Mylo Xyloto’ its own little symbol.

The concert was not only full of music and also adverts for the inaugural sponsor iCard (that also included some element of foreshadow in between the suspense, you’ll see why), but also the Bulgarian folk talking before each song, saying all the positive nice words they can for Vic; that she’s talented, and that they were so excited that Bulgaria was doing well in the odds last year prior to cancellation, bla bla bla... also some people were proud of voting for Bulgaria outside Bulgaia, and they made puns about the forthcoming songs on the concert that they were introducing, and so on, and there was also someone called Dara, whom I really want to be sent by Bulgaria one day to show off that they’re not afraid of doing trashy-esque bops that don’t necessarily win

Also they reminded me that Lucy from No Angels (aka the sole reason Bulgaria 12′d Germany in 2008) still exists.

Also Azis.

There was also an intermission where Eurovision 2021 acts could say all the nice words to Victoria on their own part. And several artists chose to... how shall I put it... use up their several seconds rather interestingly. Like how The Roop would say something real quick only to delve into more of their usual “let’s dance, let’s discoteque! *hand scissors* ;P” self-promo, and Senhit carelessly being allowed to say whatever she wants in Italian without subtitles <3 Sorry sis, they’re only given to people from another white-green-red flag-color country.

About the iCard foreshadow... so there’s their advert about Victoria waiting in the line to get something in the Soft Vocals Store, and people ahead of her giving her money the standard oldfashioned way, and the old lady at the counter is... slow, to say the least. After a good amount of time spent waffling around, Victoria finally pulls out the iCard application and pays for the imaginary items she wants, then narrates some stuff about said application, and a Eurovision entry of hers plays when the old lady is at home, spending time in front of TV enjoying the music. Before the concert, the song that played was “Tears Getting Sober”. The advert played once more before Victoria’s big entry decision and entry MV reveal, and in place of the 2020 entry, “Growing Up Is Getting Old” was the one that sounded out loud... Now you may think that there were attempts at some sort of spoilage here, but after that ad before the concert EP NF result, there was this other advert starring Victoria that played “Imaginary Friend” at the end, a last-ditch effort to trick viewers into going “see? just because that ad played the chosen song doesn’t mean it’s the chosen song!! this song could as well be a chosen song as well!!” yeah no shut up GUIGO IS the chosen song kthxbyebye.

ANY LAST WORDS?

Having said all that praise, I actually have “Growing Up Is Getting Old” fairly low on my ranking. It’s just because the year is so damn good and I have a lot more songs to care about more than this, but I appreciate the gesture that this singer is sending very much. Good luck on your road to conquer Europe, Victory-ia, I’m sure you get the best of the experience and all, because you would deserve it.

[lailarain]

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR DANGANRONPA 3

This is a continuation of this post.

I'm watching Danganronpa 3: The End of Hope's Peak High School Future Arc for the first time.

Episode 6:

Makoto, you fucking genius. Then again, can't Monokuma just make that a new rule if he wants to🤨

LMAO MONACA THINKING SHE WAS CAUGHT🤣🤣🤣

BYAKUYA! I missed u🥰

WAIT WHY THE FUCK IS HE BRITISH ALL OF A SUDDEN💀

Wait Geko Gahara is what now😀

KOMARU AND TOKO YES I MISSED YOUUUU

YES OUR FAVORITE ULTRA DESPAIR LESBIANS ARE BACK AT IT AGAIN😎😎😎😎

HAJIME YES MY NON-SHAPE-KNOWING BRO

Wait....Izuru🤨?

Episode 7:

Monaca, Junko killed HERSELF. Makoto didn't do shit🤨

THE TITLE IS ULTRA DESPAIR GIRLS YEAH BABY

THE WARRIORS OF HOPE ARE ALIVE AND HELPING OUT THE UDGs YES

It's so nostalgic to watch my favorite dynamic duo fight monokumas with the megaphone again🥺🥺🥺

The way she says "neutralizing demonic teddy bears" like it's normal😭

"Unless you like it rough😏"

Okay wtf is up with Toko's voice

Toko's fantasies are WAY more awkward when animated. Whatever they pay Byakuya's VA clearly isn't enough

IS THAT ACTUALLY HOW SHE SEES KOMARU LMAOOOO

BYAKUYA SENSED HER BEING WEIRD LMAOOO

Can Monaca just stfu🙄

HOLY FUCK YES THE LESBIANS ARE HOLDING HANDS I REPEAT THE LESBIANS ARE HOLDING HANDS

"Don't you see? I was HOPEING to defeat you. I R O N Y."

YES NAGITO

"Leave me alone. G O O G L E I T."

Who's gonna tell Monaca that she'll automatically suffocate the moment she breaks the atmosphere?

Istg those two are SO gay for each other

Komaru and Makoto are such wholesome siblings😭

KYOKO BETTER NOT BE THE ONE TO DIE I SWEAR I-

Episode 8:

Wait did he just say the name I think he said😀

I don't even know what to say about this episode title💀

NO MAKOTO SWEETIE IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT😭

Yo why tf does the blonde bitch look like that🤨

NO THAT MOTHER EFFER BETTER GET AWAY FROM KYOKO😤

Did that peach-haired asshole just-

HOLY FUCK POTHEAD GUY NO

POTHEAD GUY KNEW KYOKO AND HER DAD

What the fuck was in that chocolate😀

The bitch killed the love of her life? That's fucked up, man.

Kyoko, we're in a pandemic. Don't lick saliva, he could've had COVID🙄

Kyoko tricked them? Man, what a badass.

Episode 9:

Wait, so if that wasn't an actual exit, does that mean she killed her love for no reason?

The building is underwater? This game keeps on coming up with insane scenarios, I swear

Okay, blonde bitch has officially LOST HIS MARBLES.

Makoto please don't blame yourself🥺🥺🥺

DID THIS BLONDE BITCH JUST-

Wait....SO SHE DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO KILL HIM?

AND HE STILL KISSED HER WTF

Aoi and Makoto's friendship is so cute🥰

Kyoko's gonna die, isn't she?😟

KYOKO NO SHE SACRIFICED HERSELF KNOWING SHE WAS GONNA DIE AGGGGGGGHHHHHHH

BLONDE BITCH SHUT THE FUCK UP HE JUST LOST KYOKO THIS ISN'T ABOUT HOPE

(No joke I am genuinely about to cry now. She better not be dead)

Episode 10:

Awwww I remember this is when she rescued him🥺

Kyoko really is with Atua now😔😇

"She died protecting me from myself" that line HURT, man

Awww poor Makoto is crying🥺🥺

Blonde bitch looking like he be POSSESSED or some shit

Wait what's that on Kyoko's body

how DARE this blonde ass motherfucker make Makoto bleed. Breathing the same oxygen as him was rude enough🙄

Bullying a girl Makoto? Not cool, Hajime Blonde Bitch

IT HIT HIM IN THE BACK OF THE NECK LMAOOO

Did he.....is Makoto....

Ohhhh He's keeping Makoto alive because he'll be trapped. For a second, I thought this was a redemption arc lol😂

Istg this guy is SO aggressive for no reason🙄✋

THE FACT THAT MAKOTO ISN'T ATTACKING YOU AND TRYING TO TALK IT OUT WHILE YOU BEAT HIM UP IS LITERAL PROOF THAT HE IS ON THE SIDE OF HOPE YOU FUCKING DUMBASS🤦‍♀️

WAIT SO EVERYBODY IS AN ATTACKER!?!?

Okay that's it this blonde bitch and me bouta throw hands for punching Naegi👊

Okay I know this scene is sentimental and all but how the fuck is Naegi still standing😀

Okay I wasn't expecting blonde bitch to cry this is actually pretty sad

WAIT SO WHO'S THE ATTACKER?!?!?

Episode 11:

I was wondering how they reacted to the outside world so this is cool

Wait why is ponytail girl smiling evilly😀

Suicide? Idk sounds unlikely to me🤔

Makoto is such a marder it's actually insane

MAKOTO PLEASE DON'T DIE PLEASE DON'T DIE PLEASE DON'T DIE PLEASE DON'T DIE PLEASE DON'T DIE PLEASE DON'T DIE PLEASE DON'T DIE

Okay who in the literal fuck is the attacker tho

What the fuck is that video and where is Makoto I'm so confused rn

ARE THOSE THE VICTIMS?!?!?

WAIT WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MAKOTO WAS HE TRIGGERED WHAT'S GOING ON

NAEGI HOLY FUCK DON'T DO IT

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HIS EYES HE LOOKS LIKE NAGITO WHEN HE'S RANTING ABOUT HOPE WHAT THE FUCK

BUFF GUY IS ALIVE HOLY SHITBALLS

WAIT SO IT REALLY WAS SUICIDE?!?!?

NO BUFF DUDE DON'T GIVE IN TO DESPAIR STAY ALIVE

YES BUFF DUDE STAY ALIVE AND SAVE THEM DONT DIE

YES BLONDE BITCH GO SAFE YOUR BRO AND TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL

NOOOOOOOOOO BUFF BROOOOOOOO

Wait IS TENGAN ALIVE?!?!?!?

(sorry about all the capitals)

Episode 12:

FINAL EPISODE BABY LET'S GO

Wait so is the video that forced the reserve course students to commit suicide and the one that made Makoto go batshit crazy one in the same?

Heh heh spiral eyes go brrr

Shy guy why are you freaking out what did you do

"You need to know the truth. I've liked anime for as long as I can remember" wow what a shock that the ultimate animator likes animation😀

"You're the exception to the rule and you damn well know it" damn shy guy

wait shy guy what are you doing

SHY GUY NO-

WAIT HE COULDN'T USE HIS TALENT

Did he just say eliminate😀

Shy guy what in the ever-loving fuck are you doing

BLONDE BITCH YES

Okay this is such an elaborate plot twist wtf

AWWW BLONDE BITCH🥺🥺🥺🥺

ASAHINA NO

SHY GUY DON'T YOU DARE PRESS YES

Thank god there's a timer😅

TOKO KOMARU NOOOOOO

WAIT MONACA TOO? SHE'S ALIVE!?!?!?!?

This isn't looking too good for Makoto and Blonde Bitch

WAIT JUNKO IS ALIVE?!?!?!?!?!

JUNKO CALLED OLD GUY OLD AND CRUSTY LMAOOO

Why do I like Junko so much

"Get over it, slut. We're dead😋"

WAIT THAT'S IT!??!?! IT'S OVER?!?!? WHAT HAPPENED?

Am I supposed to watch Despair Arc Now?

Okay I think it's over.

Next, it's time for the only reason I decided to watch the anime: to watch the despair arc for more NAGITO.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #360

“we are the ones that wanna play  /  always wanna go, but you never wanna stay”

"Crawling" or "In The End?" I want to say "Crawling," but I really can't be sure. Both are bomb. Is your window open? No. Monsters Inc. or Shrek? Shrek, my man. What did you last hear that made your jaw drop? Jason's mom died. What is the longest shower or bath you have ever taken? I remember as kids, Nicole and I would sometimes play 'til Mom made us finish because the water was cold by then. As an adult, idk about my longest shower. Do you have a preference of chocolate? Yeah, milk chocolate. Is there anyone you’d like to hug right now? Yeah. Could you ever picture someone writing a biography about you? Definitely not. Do you have a clock in your room? No. Do you shut off the computer when you’re done using it? No, I just close it. Do you usually catch a cold during the winter? No. I just about never get sick. Are you a good multi-tasker? NOOOOOOOOOOO. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Is there a door knocker on your front door? No. Were you ever into Pokémon? Bitch I still am. Do you drink a lot of water? Sigh, no. I'm definitely better than I used to be, though; once upon a time, I literally never drank it unless I was extremely hot and dehydrated. Nowadays, it's usually after I finish my soda for the day that I then only drink water, normally around one full tall cup of it. Do you like fireworks? They're beautiful, but I'm personally against them out of respect for veterans suffering from PTSD as well as animals, because I'm not exactly interested in traumatizing them, either. Is respect given or earned with you? It's given, the way I think it should be. Are you “in the closet” about anything? No. Are you missing any teeth? No. Do you like scrapbooking? I've never gotten into it and am not really interested in doing so. What was or will be your first tattoo? It's a semicolon butterfly on my right wrist. Sometimes I've thought about getting it covered with a cooler design but the same concept; it was literally from Google, and I'm very much not into "sharing" tattoo designs with probably thousands of other people. But, I still think it really is cute, and it's just very special to me as my first, so idk. Do you have any tattoos dedicated to someone special? I have one written in Sara's handwriting inside a heart, and my "ohana" tattoo that I am 100% getting covered was dedicated to my former best friend Colleen. I've talked before about why "ohana" has never really resonated with me, and I just don't like it anymore at all. Thank God it's small. Do you like ghost stories? Oh HELL yeah, lay 'em on me. What was your favorite movie as a kid? The Lion King. Some things never change, ha. Do you own a lot of cookbooks? Mom has looooots, but never uses any. I think her mom gave them to her, so she just keeps 'em. What’s your father’s handwriting like? It looks like every other man's handwriting I've ever seen lol. All the letters are capitalized. Did you wash your hair last time you showered? I wash my hair every time I shower. I have to with it naturally being so oily. What does your shampoo smell like? Coconut. Do you listen to Guns N' Roses? Not a lot, but yeah. They've got some bangers. I actually want "Sweet Child O' Mine" to be the father/daughter dance at my wedding. Have you ever been a bridesmaid? Yeah, at my sister's wedding. What was the last video game that you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 a long time ago. Have you ever hyperventilated? Yep. Do you talk in your sleep? I scream in my sleep. Nightmares/terrors are a blast. Whose house did you last sleep over? Sara's. Have you ever been cut by scissors? No. Do you like peaches? It's odd, I like canned sliced peaches, but the actual, full fruit, I don't. I love peach flavored juice, though. Do you enjoy being surrounded by neighbors, or would you be more comfortable someplace secluded? Take me back to the middle of nowhere, please. I'm really not digging being in an actual neighborhood. Is there any sibling rivalry between you and your siblings, if you have any? Not at all. Do you usually root for the good guys or the bad guys? Ha, the baddies... Are you allowed to have pets at your house? We're allowed to have what we currently own and then maybe one dog if Mom finally finds one. Have you ever lived in a trailer park? No. Is there anyone that you know through the internet that you would feel comfortable meeting in person? There's quite a few, actually! Have you ever had a dream involving characters from a game/movie/television show? Yeah. What’s the last thing you wrote down? My signature, I think? Do you remember any phone numbers from years ago that now belong to someone you don’t know? No. Have you ever found something strange in your mailbox? No. Who was the last relative that came to visit you? My half-sister and her husband. Does your bedding all match? Not currently. Are you more comfortable with having short hair or long hair? SHORT. Are you interested in fantasy movies/shows? That's my preference. Have you ever gone whale-watching? No, but that'd be dope. What is something that you have a large amount of? Meerkat plushies. Who is it that you’re in love with? Nobody. Have you ever gotten love and infatuation confused? No. Do you have a steady income? No. Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? Both. Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? No, I wish. :( Do you think oatmeal tastes better when made with water or milk? MILK. I don't eat it with water. When was the last time you ran into someone that you didn’t want to see? Idk. Have you ever tried vlogging, and if yes, did you stick with it? Noooo, I'm completely disinterested in doing that myself. If you go to church, what is your favorite thing about it? I don't go. Even as a kid when Mom made me, I hated it. ^and what is your least favorite thing about it? N/A What do you do for exercise? I don't. .-. I want a pool SO badly to swim and strengthen my legs without having to worry about sweating or collapsing, though. Mom says we don't have space, but we definitely do. Not a lot, but enough. Do you have a birthmark? If yes, what color is it? Yeah, it's just a bit darker than the rest of my skin. Do you need to lose weight? Yes. My sister, Mom, and I very recently started a Weight Watchers subscription and we're all working our asses off to stick to it. Ash has already lost like, 12 pounds (she started before Mom and me), so I'm kinda hopeful. Have you ever had a cat? Growing up, after we took in a stray female, we ended up with a fucking empire of cats, literally around three dozen, I'd say. They were all outdoors, too, and not fixed because we couldn't afford it, so tomcats would come around and, y'know, make matters worse. Eventually, animal control took them all and I was DEVASTATED, but looking back, I understand it was necessary. Anyway, I have one cat now. Indoors and fixed and the prince of my world, haha. Have you ever had a dog? We've had a few. I was born with my dad having a collie named Trigger, but I don't remember her at all; she died of old age I believe when I was very young. Then we briefly had a pup named Angel, but she died due to that disease some puppies just have. We didn't get another dog until Teddy, who was my Christmas present, and he was put to sleep only last year, rest my baby's soul. We also had Dale, Cali, Delilah, and Bentley. Have you ever any other kind of animal? A LOT. I'm probably going to forget some, but we've had hamsters, rats, snakes, fish, a turtle, two lizards, gerbils, guinea pigs... just a lot. Animals have always been very important in my life. Have you ever had a pet rock? HA, yeah. I didn't take it seriously at all, but I had one. When was the last time you painted something? Not since my Painting course in my final college attempt. Do you have any disabilities? Not in the traditional sense, no. My social anxiety though is at such a severity that it majorly infringes upon my ability to do a LOT of things, though. What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? I couldn't name five. Just Hot Topic and Spencer's, really. What season do you want to get married in? AUTUMN. The actual dream situation would be to get married in the snow in a black dress, like can you IMAGINE the pictures, but realistically, it'd be in the fall to avoid the biting cold. Has anyone ever spread lies about you? Yeah. Anything special planned for today? Nope. Blue or green? Blue. How much older/younger than you was the person you lost your virginity to? He's two years older than me. Do you still care for that person? Very much. Can you completely annihilate the first Mario game in less than an hour? I haven't even played the first game. I've never really been into the games to begin with. Did you make it all the way through the Oregon Trail game? Yes! I was OOOOOBSESSEEEEEED as a kid. I would usually play it after school when my mom was an assistant teacher and was finishing up her work for the day. Have you ever contemplated climbing a water tower? Uh, no. Those kind of people got some wanderlust levels that I ain't got, haha. If you have a Facebook, when was the last time you changed your profile picture? It's been a few months. Would you ever marry someone who was lower class? Um, yes? You can deny it all you want, but answering "no" is pretty much the same as saying you'd marry for money. Is there a guy you wish you hadn’t let slip away? ugh Which do you prefer: English or math? English, by light years. Who is a singer that has given you chills? David Draiman's voice in the Disturbed cover of "Sound of Silence" is fucking haunting. Greatest cover of all time. Do you watch America’s Got Talent? I did when Sharon was a judge. Do you think you could win America’s Got Talent? Hell no. What act would you perform in a talent show? uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Have you ever practiced yoga? Yes. I used to be BANGIN at it. What is your favorite thing to buy at the Farmer’s Market? Fruit! Do you get carsickness? No. What color is the rim of your full-length mirror? Black. What is your state’s bird (if you live in the US)? Cardinal. Which style of wedding dress is your favorite? I'm a sucker for ballgown dresses. Do you enjoy editing videos? I used to love it, for many many years. Now, I just don't have the dedication or motivation to. Do you enjoy editing photos? Yes. If you gave birth, do you think you would want it filmed? Um, absolutely not. I would have NO desire to look back on me shrieking my lungs out and essentially dying. I handle abdominal pain very poorly, so I've got a goooood feeling that if I actually wanted to have kids, I'd be that woman screeching like a banshee.

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[mellz117]

Hello all and welcome to part 4 of my playthrough of KH2 on the PS2. If you haven't seen the previous entries please go do that.

[ _1_ ] [ _2_ ] [ _3_ ]

To recap: The Wonders of Twilight Town are boring as hell. We spoke to Namine again, Roxas finally realizes his life this week is a lie and starts to remember his life in the Organization. DiZ is racist against Nobodies but we already knew that. Roxas and Axel fight, I wanted to cry. Roxas meets Sora in his sleeping pod before disappearing, I wanted to cry.

And the adventure continues

I wanna know how Sora wakes up in the real world when Roxas merges with him in the virtual one. How in CoM does Sora go to sleep in Castle Oblivion, the whole-ass chamber and then some get transferred to Twilight Town, Roxas meets him in a virtual version of the mansion, and Sora wakes up in the real mansion in KH2? Nomura please explain this series. Is Final Fantasy ever this convoluted?

Donald and Goofy call out to Sora and we're once again reminded this is a Disney game. I don’t know why but the fact that Disney owns the original Kingdom Hearts characters bothers me. It means, unless DISNEY gives the OK, Sora will never be in Smash Bros. and that makes me sad.

I don't know much about comas but after a year of total inactivity, wouldn't your muscles atrophy like, A BUNCH? At least is wasn’t 7... OR VENTUS WITH A WHOLE DECADE WTF?

Again WHY COULDN'T JIMINY JUST KEEP EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED IN CHAIN OF MEMORIES WRITTEN DOWN IN HIS JOURNAL INSTEAD OF A CRYPTIC MEMO TO THANK NAMINE?

The trinity trio wanders out of the mansion, loot some chests, and find their way to the back alleys of town.

Hayner is rude RIGHT outta the gate, wow. Ok I remember that Pence actually met Roxas in Days, and so to me he seems to recognize Sora through his memories of Roxas despite the two sharing like, one visual similarly: blue eyes. But KH3 to my understanding reveals that the virtual versions of characters affect the real version so I dunno!! WHAT IS THIS SERIES?

"Have you finished the summer homework yet?" Olette asks Sora and his two ANIMAL COMPANIONS as if seeing two anthropomorphic animals is fucking normal in a town comprised entirely of humans and exactly one moogle.

Sora doesn't have any homework. For over a year he's been away from home and his mom couldn't make him go to school. I wonder how she's doing? Does she miss her son? Kingdom Hearts and parents don't gel.

I like how.. When Pence describes this cloaked figure who was looking for the trinity trio, as having big, round ears, they have to think about who it could possibly be. They’re not too bright.

Why is “sofa” capitalized? Also they weren't even sitting on it, neither of them were!

HAYNER IS A RUDE BOY! He tells us so ask Seifer about the town, as we are new. Bruh, if you’re this rude to us I’m sure how much worse Seifer and his posse are.

Seifer is immediately confrontational. “You here to pick a fight with us?” and Sora’s all like “No, we’re new here.” and DONALD FUCKING DUCK! INSULTS SEIFER AND NOW EVERYONE’S READY TO THROW DOWN! THANKS TO THIS DUMB FUCK DUCK!

But thank Christ big chungus appears out of nowhere and stops the children and two adult furries from causing a scene.

This dude is WAY too into the Struggle tournament. Seifer has an unwanted faaaaan! Bro, go away, you’re creeping on a teenager.

I wanna fight Seifer.

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I'm not working on this like I should be. I'm going on vacation soon and since we're all in quarantine I can't really do anything fun so this is the opportune time to catch up.

Moving on! We make our way to the train station and oh no, we're ambushed by Dusks! Because of COURSE we are. Who could've seen THAT coming? /s

I- I like how, even after hearing his voice, and seeing his fucking mousey silhouette, the gang STILL might not be sure this is their stupid rat king. One brain cell between the three of them, I swear, and Goofy is the primary carrier, and it only sometimes works.

Why do we need to purchase tickets to travel on a magical train embarking to an ethereal plane of existence? I guess it's the principal of it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO HUG THIS BOY. LOOK, HE'S CRYING!

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Pence is so cute. I didn't care much for him when I was younger but he's such a cutie. 

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I HAVE A MIGHTY NEED TO HUG THIS BOY. LOOK, HE'S SAD!

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It's fat cat Pete. For like ever, I had no idea he was a cat. Wonder what Maleficent saw in him to ally with him.

The trinity trio laughing about killing (or at least taking part in killing) Maleficent. "She's toast!" this sure is early 2000's dialogue...

Heartless everywhere! "You mean the worlds aren't at peace after all" well, no sweetie. It takes time for things to recover from horrible events. *looks at current state of the real world*

So like, I had no idea Yen Sid was a Keyblade warrior??? I had read about that in his Wiki page when I googled if any Keyblade warriors were left handed. (Ven might be, but more likely ambidextrous) But I guess being Mickey's teacher would imply his Keyblade wielder roots but whatever, I didn't pay attention when I was a teenager.

Yen Sid's decor is baffling. What are these bookshelves? What are these BOOKS? They're huge!

Good on Yen Sid for using singular “they” pronouns in 2005.

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On to our change of wardrobe. Without a doubt Sora's best look in the whole series, in my humble opinion. Lookit my handsome boy. 

And Sora learns about drive forms, blah, blah, blah, powerful forms, gotta sacrifice something like in Duel Monsters, in this case an ally.

Yen Sid is so boring.

All seriousness and tension is just broken as soon as Goofy’s name is uttered, at least Sora and Donald have normal names wtf.

It’s interesting how like, 15 years later, Union X explains how Maleficent was able to return after her defeat. Something about, as long as someone from your original time remembers you and you have a physical object to represent you you’re able to basically some back from the dead. Right? Am I right on that? I haven’t played it but I’m hanging by a thread on this loop.

Sora’s hard work down the drain...

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Hollow Bastion! And of course there’s trouble. Heartless, Nobodies, and Yuffie, oh my!

A problem sequels have to work around is when the protagonist needs to relearn their abilities. KH does a well and good job with this one. In CoM, it’s a different battle style, in KH2 Sora’s been asleep for a hear prior.

Also, Merlin “leant” Sora some magic spells? How does that work? Like, once you learn it you can’t just... give that knowledge back...?

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How old is Leon? He has no right being this pretty.

Another ambush by Nobodies. Give it a rest, would ya? Battle ensues, Leon deals the final blow against an enemy, and as the camera usually does, zooms in on the victor and we get a nice slow-mo crotch shot of Leon. Thanks, game... Then, Xemnas’s very sexy, very manly voice echoes across town and the organization appears before our protagonists. I’m weak.

Demyx’s laugh, dude. I love it. Sora is ready to throw hands with anyone in his way. Honey, you’re barely out of a magic coma and this dude is like, two whole feet taller than you. Not to mention very fit.

I’m done thirsting over Xemnas...

After a few taunting words, the new villains depart, Donald attempts to give chase somehow? Where you gonna go? They disappeared behind dark corridors. It seems Goofy is still holding onto that shared brain cell.

The Bastard

I like the majority of the Organization. Xigbar is definitely one of my favorites based on this next scene alone. He’s so snarky and full of shit. I love it. He’s great. He was definitely a stoner at some point.

I’m confused though. “He used to give me that same exact look!” the Wiki says Xigbar’s talking about Ven but I always thought he was referring to Roxas? Did Braig and Ven have a history? That’s implied in Days (which released before BbS) IDK dude. I’m surprised I’ve gone this long without spoiling myself too much on BbS. Like, a few story beats here and there but a lot of it isn’t gonna be known until I play it.

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The dialogue for KH2 was so different from the first game. It dates itself so much in comparison.

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Xiggy stands like this for 7 whole seconds parting with a condescending “Be a good boy now!” before disappearing. I love this fucker.

Leon, who’s been sitting on the sidelines this whole time, joins Sora and the others after the real threat is gone. We chitchat for a little bit and say our goodbyes. It’s time to leave this place and move on to one of two available worlds.

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At the Beast's Castle. After fighting a hoard of Shadows, the least intimidating enemy in the series (although the demon tower in kh3 is quite frightening nlg), the Beast himself makes his appearance, takes out the Heartless that suddenly stop multiplying upon his arrival, disgracefully shoves his supposed friends aside, and takes his precious rose to the west wing, which is where it SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE FIRST PLACE. ADAM WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

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No joke one of the funniest actual gags in the whole series is:

*Donald Duck manhandling Cogsworth*

Cut to Sora saying "I'm glad you're OK." to Lumiere

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OK the minigame where you gotta light the magic torches, why do we have to make sure Cogsworth  has enough strength to keep the lever down when we have two perfectly capable companions that can hold it down instead? I remember this sequence being a lot more annoying when I was a teen.

Xaldin's voice makes me feel things. Ahhh he sounds so tired lol. He peaces out and we fight the Beast. I remember getting him to calm down being harder.

"Xaldin used my anger to control me!" Says Beast. He angers very easily so this must have been a cinch. Xaldin's been obsessed with him since Days so I would imagine this intel would come in handy.

More fodder to fight and on to the boss. Phase one is just an angrier version of the Darkball Heartless. Phase two is just skinny Ganon. I like its design though.

“Belle, I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself, being all rude and overall kind of a jackass to you and my servants” Except that’s kinda how you’ve always been lmao. Just because you couldn’t choose not to be an ass here doesn’t change that this IS in character. Still gotta work on that a bit.

“You don’t have to apologize” No, no he still does.

They all reconcile and the Trinity Trio departs until Xaldin shows up again to wreak more havoc.

Time to move on to the next world.

[should-be-sleeping]

Stuff & Things

It’s been about 6 months since I’ve had a computer, about a year since I’ve had a good computer, and typing on my phone in any significant amount is obnoxious so... a lot has happened that’s not made it’s way here. (Read more below the cut.)

First, we’ve finally moved with the help of a dear friend! Into a townhouse closer to The City. Two stories rather than one has been an adjustment, but The Kid loves it. We’ve an impossible amount of Things and Stuff we’ll have to slowly widdle down to a more reasonable amount because this place is smaller than the last (2 bd, 1.5 bath vs 3 bd, 2 bath w/ garage), and that’s what occupies most of my time atm. Unpacking + sorting + balancing health. We’ve already donated so, so much to charity. There’s still a lot to go. The neighborhood is nice, there’s a park a block away near a creek and lots of green space and wildlife (there is a toad? who lives beneath our kitchen window?!). There’s also a library right beside the park! Best is that The Kid gets to stay in his old school (finding a place in his district was paramount), where he’s thriving academically, and even gets to keep the same morning bus driver which made the transition a little easier. Though half-days for teacher conferences and then a week off for Thanksgiving immediately after we moved did not. There are some drawbacks, a few things we didn’t realize before signing the lease that are kinda meh (like the living room layout has no place for a tv???), and it’s really really very cold (large single pane windows throughout), but altogether I’m glad to have relocated in general. We’ll improvise, and throw some curtains at it. And now for something completely different a health update! So after suffering for years with neck/shoulder/migraine pain and being blown off by my old doctor after 6 sessions of physical therapy didn’t work as if there was literally no choices beyond PT, and given a diagnosis of peripheral neuropathy with 0 treatment options by my old-old doctor, my current doctor ordered new x-rays (because so terrible was my old doctor, they wouldn’t even forward over my medical records when asked by my new physician’s office) which revealed A Problem. My old doctor had also ordered x-rays but reacted as if they were fine? Essentially prescribed physical therapy and spoke no more of it. But it’s not even a small problem. It’s a pretty big one? One that should have been caught sooner and actually treated? Like. A not insignificant part of my present day constant pain might have been avoided? At least lessened? Backstory time. My old-old doctor was also bad (not an uncommon experience for women, sadly) and when I first presented with neurological symptoms of “my hands and feet are always cold, even when they are not cold to the touch, they feel like they are always in ice water” in like 1999 I was basically told I was probably just cold. It physically hurt all of the time but once a doctor said it was nothing, everyone just insisted it must actually be nothing. Like, I wasn’t an adult yet, and my distress about the problem was definitely downplayed because of my age. Young people are too young to have medical problems! Duh. Fast forward a decade and by then my hands and feet mostly felt numb, but sometimes painfully cold because it felt like frostbite if I felt anything at all. About once a year I’d get this intense pain in my neck/shoulders but by the time I could actually get in to my doctor’s office it was “better.” My doctor referred me for the nerve conduction test (EMG) after my insistence (this is a painful test in which needles and inserted into your skin and electricity is passed through them and measured, essentially). When I showed up for the EMG at the hospital, I was asked why someone my age needed an EMG. I said that my hands and feet felt cold and/or numb regardless of temperature. They had me stand in a bucket of hot hot hot water for 10 minutes to “warm up” my feet. After 10 minutes, they were still cold to the touch. “Well, it’s winter, so...” I argued it was like that regardless of season but it wasn’t taken seriously. Everyone thought the EMG results would come back normal. But they didn’t. I was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy in my hands AND my feet after the EMG showed moderate to significant delays between the signals sent from my hands/feet to my brain and back. They wanted a follow-up but so casual about the problem were they, that it wasn’t going to be scheduled for a year out. I had shit to do, man. A life to live. Then I moved 3000 miles away and got an even worse doctor through my shifty insurance, which I didn’t realize at first because they at least prescribed me something for the previous diagnosis. Even after the diagnosis my old-old doctor offered no solutions. The nerve damage was done, oh well I guess. But the offered treatment was only helping one facet of a multifaceted problem and I found myself being blown-off again. “It sometimes feels like my bones are grinding.” No one listens. So what is happening? Well. Sometimes my bones are grinding! Specifically my spine. I could tell bone pain from muscle pain. Wild fucking concept, I know. But wait, there’s more! Basically the entirety of my cervical vertebrae are fucked, fun! And the fuckening has been progressive and ongoing, all this time. c6-c7 is particularly Fucked with a capital F. We’re talking bone spurs and herniated discs and pinched nerves, we’re talking degenerative, untreated spinal arthritis. We’re talking neurosurgeons and spinal surgery. Which yeah, is gd whacky in a person my age even now, but probably began nearly 2 decades ago, when I first said, “I don’t feel so well. It’s almost as if my bones are grinding against each other and causing nerve damage or something but idk I just live in here.” If they do nothing, it’ll just continue getting worse and I’ll probably experience paralysis. So, beginning of January I go in for a Cervical Medial Branch Block. Then we go from there. My medical team doesn’t want to be spooky but treating this conservatively isn’t really an option anymore, since every doctor up until now has been wildly negligent in my care. It should have been treated conservatively in 1999. We’re way beyond that now. Also, as you’ve undoubtedly seen, heart monitoring! I had an electro that revealed right-axis deviation (not uncommon in people with sleep apnea, but not healthy) but otherwise normal readings, followed by an echo which revealed 3 of 4 valves are leaky but not dangerously so and there’s no malformations as far as they could see (apparently I have obfuscation tits) so they wanted a 48 hours nonstop electro performed with a mobile monitoring system. Results of that will be in in 7-14 days. I suspect it’ll be mostly an uneventful read but they’ll find “something” when I sleep (common in sleep apnea) and something that comes at random during waking hours (sometimes my heart just gets excited like a dog who heard the word “walk” even though no leash is present). In any case, I am confident it’s not life threatening, especially if treated you know, in a timely, reasonable manner.

[citrus-feline]

ppl really are just like “lol ur just sad bcuz ur not allowed to be lazy” when mentally ill & disabled people complain about capitalism making them actually want to commit suicide because it makes us all seem like burdens.

how can you have such a lack of empathy?? for a fucking Second just imagine what it would be like from that persons perspective before telling them that they should suck it up and just do it (somehow?? despite their situations making that near impossible, if not outright).

idk what to tell you if you think that this is a thing that is okay to let happen. it is not uncommon to any degree for people in this type of situation to feel like a burden and to consider things as drastic as suicide. that isn’t uncommon. that happens, a lot. but you’d rather believe that we are all in some kind of evil group of dumb kids who pretend just because they want to be lazy??? there are kids who do that, yeah, but the majority of people who complain about this kind of thing aren’t like that.

you can continue to tell us that we are awful people for thinking this way, and i want you to know that it isn’t helping. you saying that shit is upright making it worse. even if it WAS true, what is the point of saying it? you are implying that people who go through this Deserve to feel like burdens and Deserve to want to commit suicide, even if that wasn’t your intention. that is what we see when you type that out.

you all act like we never have tried and we are just sitting with our unknowing perceptions of how things work, but let me tell you that almost all of us have tried, multiple times at that. finding a job with these circumstances in the first place is incredibly difficult. i can sometimes do an okay job at getting people to believe that i’m normal because my appearance isn’t really affected by what i go through, while other people don’t have that grace. and even then, even when i was hired after months and months of searching and being turned down over and over and over because my personality wasn’t what they wanted..... my employer would eventually learn that i am not normal. it’s Really hard to hide that type of thing when it affects you every single day of your life, turns out.

even taking the horrible process of getting hired into account, people will act like when you are hired that you are good and it’s all easy from there. it isn’t. it really isn’t. i worked as long as i did for my past jobs because i went in thinking that everything wrong with me would go away when i finally got to that point. because that’s what people act like. unfortunately, that isn’t how it works. i would find myself dreading work after a month or two. by the third month i would consider suicide nearly every minute on the job, to the point of me getting so scared that my employer would notice and i would get fired or i would end up quitting because i don’t want to die just yet.

you can go on and on about how young adults these days are just too sensitive and don’t understand anything, but like... im starting to think that everyone from older generations that felt this way just... died? killed themselves? or couldn’t find a job and ended up on the streets? you know that tons of homeless people are mentally ill or disabled to some extent, right? you know that, right??? and even with all of that you still continue to say how entitled we all are when we literally just want to survive.

my dream for what i want my future to be isn’t crazy or over the top. i just want to live with my boyfriend, get married in a few years, and maybe try to go to school when i feel ready. my goal in life is to just be happy. it isn’t to be rich or famous like you all seem to think it is. i just want to survive with the person i love. i want to be happy. why is that such an awful thing to want? how am i a bad person for wanting to be happy?

im quiet and always do as im told. i dont go out of my way to make things hard for other people. yes, doing things can be really hard for me, and they normally are. but ill end up doing it, it just might take a while. the problem with how things work is the expectation of happening fast and without issue. i’ve always done things slowly because of how much thought i put into everything. it has always, even since i was very young, difficult for me to work myself towards doing something.

this isn’t something that developed during high school like so many people seem to assume. i’ve been depressed and anxious for as long as i can remember. i remember being REALLY weird when i was very young, and that’s because i didn’t understand what was wrong with me. i was miserable most of the time, even as early as elementary school. i feel like i didn’t ever have the happy, lazy experience that everyone assumes i’m trying to keep in my life. i can’t keep that if i never had it. and even if i could somehow make it happen, it hasn’t. i’m in a pretty understanding situation with my boyfriend, and i’m given time to do things. he understands how hard things are for me, and doesn’t automatically just call me lazy like everyone else seems to. it makes me feel like i have some kind of worth.

isn’t it depressing to think about the fact that i will often find myself thinking that i am worthless because of the lack of what i do? i will find myself looking at me at the core and think “yeah this is worthless, and it should be thrown away”. even when i do well i think this way. nothing is ever enough, and no matter how hard i work to ignore it, my issues won’t magically vanish. i WISH they did. and i’ve tried so hard to make that happen. but it doesn’t. this isn’t something that is simply just a made up problem that i’ve convinced myself to believe. i was suffering from this before i even knew you COULD be like this. i just always thought that i was weird and broken and unlovable and... worthless. even as a kid. i tried the same tactic of making myself do tons of things in order to try to make it go away, but it didn’t work. being the smart kid never worked. being the kid who really wanted to have fun and play but assumed i couldn’t because i needed to work harder to be ‘normal’ like all the other kids Never Worked. i never had more than 5 friends at a time for the large majority of my school life. that got a little better in high school when i started to accept whats wrong with me, but even then it was still pretty bleak.

i just. i don’t get how people can come on here, look at a post written by someone struggling for other people struggling, and then tell everyone who agrees with it that they are all just lazy and awful people. does that make you feel good about yourself? you know that we all already know that we are far from normal, right? i know only one or two people who have gone through this all without mental illness or disability contributing, but so many more who experience it with those things being the core.

if you hate disabled and mentally ill people, just say it. because you acting like you are morally superior because you are lucky enough to be able to tolerate the work environment of today is obviously how you feel. we know that people hate us. we do. i’ve been verbally abused plenty over this exact thing, from lots of different people acting like they “know the best” for me.

please just. stop talking to us if you are so unwilling to listen. we listen to you constantly. its a rare case to come across other people being loud about this type of thing without outright looking for it. if you look for it, you can find it, but i wouldn’t have ever thought to do that for most of my life. the only reason i learned what was wrong with me was because a school counselor in middle school got so concerned for me that she made me see her once a week to talk about how i see the world. and turns out, most people DONT see it the way i do! wow! sounds stupid but i actually had NO idea that i saw things so differently than other people. what a shocker, right? well, it sure was for me when i was just learning then that some people have things like depression or anxiety.

im done with this post. im tired and im going to think about something else.

[surveysonfleek]

1211.

Do you want your last ex to be happy, even if it means not being with you? sure. If you have a smartphone, what’s the last app you downloaded? What about the last app you uninstalled?   the last app i downloaded was that simpsons tapped out. i need to kill time lol. the last app i deleted was a business one. If you were a straight member of the opposite sex, who are some celebrities you think you’d have a thing for?   rihanna, beyonce, rita ora. not sure who else. Have you ever dyed your own hair? How did it turn out?   yes. it was fine, not a huge change. Right-handed or left-handed? right-handed.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone?   just a boring iphone one. Does your first, middle, and last spell something?   huh? Favorite TV channel? i don’t have one.  What is your least favorite breed of dog?   i don’t have one tbh. it all depends on the dog’s personality. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants?   yes, i think they’re fine as long as they’re not see through. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents?   nope. Is there any alcohol in the fridge?   yes, wine.

Do you hate it when people smoke around you?   i don’t really care. What do you want for your birthday?   a watch. Who is the most inappropriate person you know?   i know a couple but only when they’re intoxicated. Who in your phone has a heart after their name?   my boyfriend. After breaking up, what’s the worst?   learning how to move on by yourself. Do you have a second mom? nope. When was the hardest time in your life? What made it so hard & how did you overcome it? when my parents separated. it was just a shitty time in my life, i dreaded going home just coz they ignored each other. How do you relieve stress? sleeping, watching movies/tv shows. When you die do you want to have a funeral service? Why or why not?   yeah, i would. it would bring a lot of people together i guess. What illegal drugs have you tried? Describe how you feel when you take each. If you haven’t tried any, would you ever want to? weed, coke, mdma. are shrooms illegal? if so, then yeah i’ve done that too. What is your opinion on capital punishment?   eh. What period of history was your favorite to learn about? If you don’t like history, what is your favorite thing to learn about? modern history. Where is your favorite fast food restaurant & what do you order when you go there? burger king. a whopper. i haven’t had one in ages. What do you think about smoking in public places?   it’s fine. What’s your favorite cheese? camembert. What’s your favorite type of chocolate?   milk. How do you like your steak? medium rare. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? i feel like i’ve never done that. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana.   banana, watermelon, pineapple, orange, apple, strawberry, cherry. What is your opinion on “God?”   i believe in them. i’m just not religious whatsoever. What is your favorite Christmas movie?   elf. Who are the three most important people in your life?   i’d have to choose four. my immediate family and boyfriend. Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went?   i had food poisoning. What is your favorite boy band?   boyz ii men. What is your favorite Beatles song?   i don’t have one tbh. What is your favorite type of bird? toucans are cool. What is something you hate, but wish you loved? olives. If you could profoundly release anxiety’s grip on one area of your life what would it be? everything. i have the weirdest irrational anxiety. it’s frustrating. What’s the cutest thing your SO does, but denies it’s cute in any way? his mannerisms. Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture?   yeah, i’m in mid laughter haha. Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is? only if it’s the only thing they talk about. If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark color or a light?   i like neutral shades, browns, pinks, nudes. What do you believe in the most?   idk. What do you avoid like the plague?   driving haha. i do it anyway. What is your main goal of the year?   finding a new job. Do you listen to music while you drive? always. Waffle cone or bowl?   cone. Do you like video games? Why?   it really depends, i’m picky with them. they’re fun to kill time with. Do you take selfies with those animal filters? when they first came out on snapchat they were cute but now i just think they took tacky. What book will you NOT read?   many. What YouTube channel can you not stand to watch? stupid ones. pewdiepie, those logan brother, ricegum etc. they’re terrible, i don’t get the appeal. Do you like big, normal or small glasses?   normal. How do you feel about colored contacts? it’s whatever. to each their own. Is pregnancy beautiful?   sure. Do you dance at weddings/parties or are you shy?   sometimes. when i’m in the mood. Are you kind to animals at all times?   i don’t really take notice of them tbh. Have you ever been bitten by an animal really hard? yes. Do you trust dogs? only my dog. Do you trust cats?   nope. What stereotype do you fall into the best?   slacker. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? stairs. Have you ever seen a pelican in real life? yes. all the damn time at the beaches. Do you carry pepper spray with you?   nope. Name three sites you have been bullied on. none tbh. i keep a pretty low profile. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. nope. not one out of control. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal?   no. Have you ever had a emergency surgery?   no. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed?   natural. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? anxiety lol. and food. i have a weak stomach. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World?   of course! What unnatural hair color looks best on you? really dark purple. What is your least favorite pizza place?   i don’t know tbh. What is the name of your first pet?   dopey. he was a bird lol. What is your favorite fairytale?   hmmm. rumpelstiltskin. Have you ever suffered a fracture?   yes. in my pinky from basketball. What countries would you like to visit?   japan and the bahamas. Had a serious surgery?   the most serious would be a dog bite when i was 2. i only remember bits and pieces of it though. Gotten stitches?   yes. Bitten someone?   not seriously. Would you ever cosplay?   probably not. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? pretty quickly. Have you ever drank from a real coconut?   yes! not as sweet as i thought it’d be. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? nope. If you were poor, living on the streets, & had no family to aid you, would you take up a job offer to work in a slaughterhouse? if that was the only job i could get, then yeah. it would suck but unfortunately we need money to live. Have you ever had a grandparent come live with you?   yeah. Do you keep your fortunes from fortune cookies?   i did for awhile, kept it in my phone case.  When you walk into your bedroom, is the light switch on the right side or the left side of the door? right. Who makes the majority of the food for Thanksgiving in your family? we don’t celebrate thanksgiving here. Does your house have a real chimney? nope. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why?   no idea just because i’ve never been through one. probably a hurricane though? i think my house could withstand that. How did you learn to ride a bicycle?   pretty sure my dad taught me. i relied on training wheels even though i knew how to ride without them and finally just got rid of them when i was about 8 lol. If you want any tattoos or piercings, what’s next on your list? don’t want either. Are you good at understanding baby talk?   nope. What was the last movie that you saw in the theaters?   it’s been forever. i think it was deadpool 2 or ocean’s eight. Can you do a hand stand?   nope. If you could, you would go to the moon?   probably not.  Do you like candy canes?   no. Have you ever gotten in trouble at school for wearing revealing clothes?   no. we had uniforms. Have you ever seriously thought about getting plastic surgery?   no. Do you prefer your jeans normal or ripped?   normal. i like acid wash and that distressed look though. Have you ever actually woken up screaming because of a nightmare?   no. Have you watched Breaking Bad?   i’ve seen about half of it. Have you ever been skating?   yes. Do you feel comfortable singing in front of others?   hell no. Name four favorite fast food restaurants & what you usually order at each one. burger king: whopper meal. mcdonalds: cheeseburger or applie pie. kfc: twista meal. sushi hub: i always get sushi and avocado, crispy chicken and avocado and prawn katsu rolls. Name four favorite sit down restaurants & what you usually order at each one.   hurricanes: ribs. hooters: wings in either spicy garlic or teriyaki sauce. idk where else tbh. Would you say you’re more close-minded or open-minded? Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you’d consider close-minded? If so, does it ever bother you? definitely open minded. i think my family and friends are quite open minded. i’m not really close to anyone who i really disagree with when it comes to my views. What is the most fucked up movie you’ve seen? Why?   i honestly forgot what it was called but it was on netflix and there’s just a room of people in this weird room and only one could survive. When it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? a dress. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor?   i never ear oatmeal. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after?   nah. How attractive is a girl is a suit? How attractive is a guy in a dress?   it all depends on how the clothes fit the person tbh. What does your dad do?   he works in a factory. Are your fingers long, or short? they’re pretty stubby. Are you allergic to any dogs? nope. Have you ever used an epi pen?   no. What is the meaning of your first name? goddess of wine. funnily enough i’m not a fan of wine. Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation?   i don’t think i did actually lol. Does it usually take you awhile to recover from illnesses? sometimes. it depends. i’ll either get over a sickness in a couple of days or it’ll take weeks. Would you rather get married outside or inside?   inside only because knowing my luck it’ll be raining. Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude? i don’t think i do but i don’t really consider it rude. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby?   yes. What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses?   not a fan of them on myself. Have you ever died in one of your dreams?   yes haha. then i woke up. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum?   fruity tbh. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it?   not seriously. i’ve been teased but i haven’t been a constant target. What was the mascot at your elementary school?   we didn’t have one. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once?   the proposal. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? nope. Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself?   no. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital?   hospital. wouldn’t want to jeopardise anything. What was the last thing you ordered online?   invitations to be printed. What’s your favorite planet?   earth. What are three things that fascinate you? travelling, space and culture. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? no. Do you enjoy doing yoga? not really. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school?   nope. Have you ever had fondue?   yes. only a chocolate one though. i’d love to try a cheese one. Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth?   yes. If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? not really. he’s turning 15 this year and is super old. we have a huge backyard so he still runs around when he wants. Do porcelain dolls scare you?   they don’t scare me but i definitely wouldn’t want to start a collection. Which is worse, Teletubbies or Boohbas? boohbas were weird af. Would you ever consider getting a tattoo on the inside of your bottom lip? nope. Do you like to play air hockey? yes. Have you ever been in a castle?   technically yes. it’s just not my definition of a castle. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol?   i’m okay. Do you like tacos?   only soft tacos.

[lightsandlostbells]

Druck episode 3 reaction

thirteen minutes is UNACCEPTABLE

Episode 3

Clip 1 - Returning home

I love the look of the show. That shot of them coming up from what I assume is a train station is so simple but effective, with the group breaking into two and Hanna and Jonas being left on their own to work through what happened on the trip. Us having some distance from the situation, being able to see Hanna turn away first away from Jonas.

I think the cinematography is adding a lot to my enjoyment of Druck. I just find it so calming and gently pretty, and the lighting is bright and there’s plenty of soft colors. 

Matteo and Carlos left together, which might not mean anything except they’re going the same way, or maybe they’re legit friends, or maybe Matteo doesn’t really like him but he puts up with him because they have Jonas in common or because Carlos is their weed hookup. 

Jonas saying that it’s just been the two of them (Jonas and Hanna) together lately. Interesting, implies that it’s not so much Hanna-Jonas-Matteo as we might have guessed. Or just that he’s feeling stifled by being around his girlfriend so much. Orrrrr that he has a secret that he wants to keep from her and it’s hard when she’s nearby? 

Man I really really am wondering if the changes in these character dynamics are going to build up to something, I really hope!

This Jonas is earnest as hell and it’s going to suck if he has some big horrible secret. He’s my favorite of the remake Jonases so far; he’s flawed but he seems vulnerable and he’s got great chemistry with both Hanna and Matteo. We haven’t seen him at his worst yet, it should be said.

I legit laughed out loud at Hanna’s texting of Mia, especially Mia’s text bubble disappearing. I mean, that wasn’t a bad joke on Hanna’s part, except you usually don’t talk about STDs with people you just met.

I mentioned in some other posts that I find the credits/title cards on each clip of Druck and Skam France distracting, but I like that Druck has been putting things like casual banter and (as in this clip) Hanna’s heavy sighing over them. They can easily be cut from the scene when the whole episode is put together, but it keeps the atmosphere going a little longer and adds some small details of characterization or mood. I prefer it to having music always close the scene and play over the credits.

Clip 2 - Hero Party meeting

THEY CHANGED SHIT, YES

Awww, Kiki turns out to be cute! She turned it around fast. Also props to her for acknowledging that it was sweet of Hanna to try to find her a Sam. And she clearly did not make the decision to not be on the organizing committee on her own, and Sam knows she’s fibbing.

An explanation for the hero party! So from what I can tell from German viewers, this isn’t a usual German tradition or anything, it’s specifically for the show? IDK how realistic it is but making it a tradition specific to this school makes it a little less contrived. I don’t really get how throwing an amazing party for the graduating class will make the party for this class even better, since it’ll be a whole new class throwing the party for them, unless it’s in the sense of “we raised the quality level so far that they’re going to have to try to top us.”

This isn’t a bad way to adapt russ. I’ve been waiting for a version where the five girls all got assigned together on some project/event rather than coming together voluntarily. Plus Hanna met all the girls separately prior to this meeting, so there’s an established connection between her and all the girls.

Nice way to show Hanna being a follower with her just joining Kiki/Sam at this meeting and raising her hand after everyone else does. She does feel a very insecure version of this character.

This setup makes Leonie directly reject Hanna, Kiki, and Sam based on prior beefs, and her shunning Amira to the end is not a great look. IDK what she has against Mia except she’s a new girl who had the audacity not to know what the party was, so I guess that’s enough? They really are Los Losers.

Let’s talk about what a glorious nickname Blondus Maximus is and how there was a missed opportunity to call the Penetrator Chris character some variant of that (Brunettus Maximus?) Max can be a girl’s name too! Not sure how popular it is in Germany, though.

Shout-out to Amira’s brothers! 

They also did something that I hoped they would do, instead of explaining Alexander to Hanna, they explained to Mia, who is the new girl, which makes sense. And we got her initial reaction to him.

German William/Alexander looks old as hell, even older than French William/Charles, lmao. No disrespect to the actor, I’m just not sure why the remakes are casting older-looking dudes in this role. Like Charles looks older than a teenager but almost everyone on Skam France does. Druck’s characters look like teenagers for the most part, so IDK why the William character has to be the one who looks like a teacher. Thomas Hayes was the right age. 

I’m laughing at his socks. And him getting out of his car just isn’t the same without being flanked by several nameless members of his posse.

Some of the slow-motion effect is kinda strange and doesn’t look right. I noticed it in the first clip with Leonie’s walk, too.

I really liked Kiki after being somewhat underwhelmed by her first appearance (the same with Daphne, tbh). Sam and Amira remain great. Mia is the only one I’m not 100% sold on, though I think she could turn out OK.

Clip 3 - Mia and Hanna in Spanish class

OK I was wayyyy too excited that Mia mentioned her roommate using her IG to stalk guys. GERMAN ESKILD WHERE ARE YOU.

I did find it kind of weird why were they weren’t sitting together in the first place, because they walked into the room together and if Mia can just get up and move it’s not like they have assigned seats.

I felt kinda bad for the teacher in this one even if she shouldn’t be making mistakes. Her wardrobe looks like that of every enthused language teacher I’ve ever had.

Ahhh, still not sure how I feel about Mia so far? She’s cute but seems kinda stilted, and she looks a little older than the other girls (she’s 21 IRL). I do think she was better in this clip than in prior ones. Her character was more polite to the guy who’s talking to her than Noora or Manon was. She’s so far a far sweeter version of the character.

Also this clip amped up the Mia/Hanna. Mia was very, very eager to talk to Hanna at the start.

Clip 4 - Friend

You know what? I’m kinda with Jonas on this one. Why should you actually treat a bunch of assholes that you don’t like? Like this dude who apparently puts Nazi symbols on a teacher’s car? Fuck that guy, I wouldn’t throw him a party.

Obviously I don’t think he should make fun of Hanna wanting to participate, and Hanna is right, not all grade 12 students are going to be assholes. But Jonas’ reaction at least makes sense, rather than being like “this is wrong because I hate capitalism and this ties in for some reason.” (To be fair, Jonas’ opening monologue isn’t about capitalism this time around. He does mention Nazis in it, though!)

“Netflix and chili con carne” is the German version of Fresh Prince and nachos, eh?

Awww, Hanna made a friend! This Jonas seems very happy that Hanna made a friend, too.

General Comments:

Thirteen minutes?? THIRTEEN MINUTES??

no i’m not bitter

I cannot believe they teased that Hanna/Mia hangout and didn’t deliver. We didn’t even get any IG posts from whatever they were doing.

ok yeah i’m a little bitter. a smidge

Is it normal to be back at school the week following Easter? They weren’t there on Monday but I’ve seen people say they should be off the full week, I think?

Kinda wish we were going full on with the Hanna and Amira friendship but I can see how that scene was mostly there to establish her as a character through Hanna before the Hero Party, and I guess it’s possible that they will bond as a duo at some point. Maybe. I’m not thinking this is gonna be a total overhaul of S1.

Jonas and Hanna being all “it’s about being friends AND being in love” in the texts - goddamn they’re so sweet.

Also from the texts, it sounds like German Eskild is into bears. Man bears, to be clear.

This week’s episode better be at least 20 minutes, you can’t do me like that, Germany. I actually like your take on Norwegian teenagers.

[foundcarcosa]

cccxxxii.

Do you want your last ex to be happy, even if it means not being with you? >> Phoenix? I mean, I don’t wish ill upon him. He didn’t give me enough of a chance to love him, so I don’t have any stronger desires for him. If you have a smartphone, what’s the last app you downloaded? What about the last app you uninstalled? >> Shazam was the last I downloaded, and Dissidia was the last I uninstalled (it was just taking up too much space). If you were a straight member of the opposite sex, who are some celebrities you think you’d have a thing for? >> I mean, my attraction isn’t gender-locked, so I imagine it’d be the same women I think are cute now. Have you ever dyed your own hair? How did it turn out? >> Yeah. It turned out all right. Right-handed or left-handed? >> Right.

What is the wallpaper on your cellphone? >> The lock screen is a fan-made Dark Tower movie poster. The home screen is an art of Rustin Cohle that I found on tumblr. (So, basically, my phone is on some real Matthew McConaughey shit. As usual.) Does your first, middle, and last spell something? >> My initials? LFD... Left For Dead? God, I hope not. (Left 4 Dead is a great franchise, though...) Favorite TV channel? >> Hm. What is your least favorite breed of dog? >> Hm. In your opinion, are leggings appropriate to wear as pants? >> Sure, who cares. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? >> No. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? >> Yeah, there’s still some of the Svedka left, and there’s Sparrow’s last spiked Arnold Palmer. The rest of the booze is here in my room with me. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? >> Not unless they’re obnoxious about it. What do you want for your birthday? >> Well, my birthday just passed, so. Who is the most inappropriate person you know? >> Hm. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? >> No one. After breaking up, what’s the worst? >> I don’t know, that depends on the breakup. Do you have a second mom? >> I don’t even have a first. When was the hardest time in your life? What made it so hard & how did you overcome it? >> Hm.

How do you relieve stress? >> Stubbornness. I don’t have many specific coping skills for it. When you die do you want to have a funeral service? Why or why not? >> That’s up to the people responsible for my body after I’ve vacated it. I’m under no illusions that I require a say in what happens. What is your opinion on capital punishment? >> I don’t really care either way. What period of history was your favorite to learn about? If you don’t like history, what is your favorite thing to learn about? >> I’m not sure I have a specific favourite. Obviously ancient Scandinavian history crosses over with other interests of mine, and Hetalia gave me a pretty strong interest in certain aspects of WWII, but mostly I just... like history. Period. Where is your favorite fast food restaurant & what do you order when you go there? >> --- What do you think about smoking in public places? >> I don’t have a blanket opinion about this sort of thing. What’s your favorite cheese? >> Brie, pepper jack, asiago. What’s your favorite type of chocolate? >> Dark chocolate with sea salt and chili peppers. How do you like your steak? >> I don’t. What’s the last time you ate something you’d picked in the wild? >> I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a chance to do that. Arrange the following in order of preference: Pineapple, Orange, Apple, Strawberry, Cherry, Watermelon, Banana. >> Cherry, strawberry, apple, watermelon, pineapple, orange, banana. What is your opinion on “God?” >> That’s far too general a question for me. The word itself isn’t anything particular for me, and as far as my personal beliefs are concerned, I vacillate from panentheistic to polytheistic to both at the same time to neither almost daily. I don’t think specific religious paradigms suit me. As strange as it might sound, I feel much more comfortable believing in all at once. What is your favorite Christmas movie? >> It’s a Wonderful Life. Who are the three most important people in your life? >> Can Calah, Sparrow, Hallie. Why did you go to the doctor the last time you went? >> A checkup. What is your favorite boy band? >> Hm. What is your favorite Beatles song? >> I guess Hey Jude, I don’t know, I don’t really care for the Beatles in general. What is your favorite type of bird? >> Raven...?  What is something you hate, but wish you loved? >> Hmm. If you could profoundly release anxiety’s grip on one area of your life what would it be? >> Death. What’s the cutest thing your SO does, but denies it’s cute in any way? >> I don’t know, they don’t seem to deny anything like this Are you smiling in your Facebook profile picture? >> No. Does it irritate you when people go on and on about how amazing their boyfriend/girlfriend is? >> No. But, I mean, in a conversational sense, I’d be a little confused at how to proceed. What do I say to that, lmao... If you wear eye shadow, do you put on a dark color or a light? >> I don’t really have a preference. It’s been a while.

What do you believe in the most? >> Hm. What do you avoid like the plague? >> The plague. Hrnk. What is your main goal of the year? >> Hm. Do you listen to music while you drive? >> --- Waffle cone or bowl? >> Waffle cone, but maybe I should transition to bowls. Cones stress me out. Do you like video games? Why? >> I love them. They’re another form of storytelling, and I just enjoy playing them (the ones I play, I mean. not all video games). Do you take selfies with those animal filters? >> Sometimes. What book will you NOT read? >> IDK. What YouTube channel can you not stand to watch? >> --- Do you like big, normal or small glasses? >> Normal? How do you feel about colored contacts? >> I like them. It’s just difficult to wear them because my eyes are already sensitive. Is pregnancy beautiful? >> In a gruesome sort of way. Do you dance at weddings/parties or are you shy? >> I dance when I feel like dancing. Are you kind to animals at all times? >> Not all the time, no. Have you ever been bitten by an animal really hard? >> No. Do you trust dogs? >> I suppose? I mean, trust them to... do what? Act like themselves? Sure. Do you trust cats? >> See above. What stereotype do you fall into the best? >> I don’t know. Do you have to take stairs or an elevator to get to your house? >> There are two flights of stairs to this apartment. Have you ever seen a pelican in real life? >> I don’t think so. Do you carry pepper spray with you? >> No. Name three sites you have been bullied on. >> I’ve not been bullied on the internet. Yet, I suppose. Has there ever been a fire inside your house? Tell me the story. >> No. Have you ever had a scary encounter with a wild animal? >> No. Have you ever had a emergency surgery? >> No. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? >> It looks fine either way. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? >> Hmm. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? >> I don’t know. It seems like such a busy and hectic place. Hell, I’m not even entirely sure I want to go. Like, I do, but also... the sensory overload......... What unnatural hair color looks best on you? >> Hm. What is your least favorite pizza place? >> --- What is the name of your first pet? >> Roxie. What is your favorite fairytale? >> The Snow Queen, probably. Have you ever suffered a fracture? >> No. What countries would you like to visit? >> I don’t feel like making a list, lol. A lot of them. Had a serious surgery? >> No. Gotten stitches? >> Yes. Bitten someone? >> Yes. Would you ever cosplay? >> Sure. How slowly or quickly would you say you eat? >> Moderately? I don’t know. Have you ever drank from a real coconut? >> No. Do you have bird feeders hanging up outside? What about any hanging plants? >> No. If you were poor, living on the streets, & had no family to aid you, would you take up a job offer to work in a slaughterhouse? >> In general, I would not work at a slaughterhouse. Too messy for the likes of me. Have you ever had a grandparent come live with you? >> No. Do you keep your fortunes from fortune cookies? >> No. When you walk into your bedroom, is the light switch on the right side or the left side of the door? >> Left side. Who makes the majority of the food for Thanksgiving in your family? >> --- Does your house have a real chimney? >> No. If you had to endure one natural disaster (i.e. hurricane, tornado, etc), what would you pick and why? >> Hm. How did you learn to ride a bicycle? >> My father taught me. If you want any tattoos or piercings, what’s next on your list? >> I don’t have a list. Are you good at understanding baby talk? >> No, lol. I don’t bother trying to understand it, I just respond back whatever way comes to me. What was the last movie that you saw in the theaters? >> Infinity War. *grimace* Can you do a hand stand? >> No. If you could, you would go to the moon? >> Sure. Do you like candy canes? >> Some kinds. Have you ever gotten in trouble at school for wearing revealing clothes? >> No. Have you ever seriously thought about getting plastic surgery? >> No. Do you prefer your jeans normal or ripped? >> Either is fine. Have you ever actually woken up screaming because of a nightmare? >> No. Have you watched Breaking Bad? >> No. Have you ever been skating? >> Roller skating, yes. Do you feel comfortable singing in front of others? >> Yeah. Used to do it for fun on Monday nights. I miss Arlene’s... Name four favorite fast food restaurants & what you usually order at each one. >> Hmm. Name four favorite sit down restaurants & what you usually order at each one. >> Hrm. Would you say you’re more close-minded or open-minded? Is there anyone in your family or group of friends you’d consider close-minded? If so, does it ever bother you? >> I’m more open-minded than close-minded, but even I have my limits. I don’t know about anyone else. What is the most fucked up movie you’ve seen? Why? >> Probably A Serbian Film. Why? Because that’s literally the kind of movie it was made to be -- as fucked up as possible. It’s the whole gimmick. When it’s time to dress up for a special occasion, are you more likely to wear a dress, a skirt, or dress pants? >> Hm. If you eat oatmeal, do you add water or milk to it? What is your favorite flavor? >> Milk. I like brown sugar and maple. Have you ever been brave enough to cut your hair in a very different way? If you have, did you regret your decision after? >> Uh, I guess. I don’t consider it brave, it’s just fuckin hair. How attractive is a girl is a suit? How attractive is a guy in a dress? >> Both are fine. What does your dad do? >> He’s retired. Are your fingers long, or short? >> Longish. Are you allergic to any dogs? >> No. Have you ever used an epi pen? >> No. What is the meaning of your first name? >> Logan means “little hollow”.

Did you toss your hat in the air at graduation? >> No. Does it usually take you awhile to recover from illnesses? >> No. Would you rather get married outside or inside? >> Er. Do you put your elbows on the table when you eat? Do you think it’s rude? >> I put them on the table if I feel like it. I don’t think it’s rude because I’ve never been given reason to believe in that. Is you hair color the same as it was when you were a baby? >> I don’t know, I guess so? What are your thoughts on mini-skirts or mini-dresses? >> What sort of thoughts am I possibly expected to have?? It’s just fucking clothing oh my god lmao Have you ever died in one of your dreams? >> Yeah, and I got stuck on the Wheel. Which is tastier: fruity gum or minty gum? >> I prefer minty gum. Be honest, have you ever bullied anybody? Who was it? >> Not to my knowledge. What was the mascot at your elementary school? >> Hm. What is one romantic movie that you enjoy enough to watch more than once? >> Love Actually. Have you ever had a significant other NOT believe you when you said “i love you” to them? Why was that? How did you react? >> I don’t think so. Is there a band logo you would get tattooed on yourself? >> The Coheed and Cambria one, probably. If you had a baby, would you want to have it at home or in a hospital? >> In the hospital. Unless they could bring the drugs and machines to me.

What was the last thing you ordered online? >> I don’t recall. What’s your favorite planet? >> Mercury and Saturn.

What are three things that fascinate you? >> Theoretical astrophysics, chaos magic, anthropology. Have you ever suffered from an eating disorder? >> No. Do you enjoy doing yoga? >> Not really. Have you ever had to do a class in summer school? >> No. Have you ever had fondue? >> No. Have you ever taken photos in a photobooth? >> Once. If you have a dog, do you walk it regularly? >> --- Do porcelain dolls scare you? >> No. Which is worse, Teletubbies or Boohbas? >> Boohbas are the superior ones. Would you ever consider getting a tattoo on the inside of your bottom lip? >> No. Do you like to play air hockey? >> Sometimes. Have you ever been in a castle? >> Bishop’s Castle, which was pretty fuckin cool. Are you a lightweight when it comes to alcohol? >> No. Do you like tacos? >> Sure.