#idk. hopefully in a few months I come back with an update and it’s nothing/something else

[torchickentacos]

[jinnie-study]

2024.03.05 - march and all the things before it

one day, after everything is through, i'll turn around and still have you.

excuse my messy desk, it just felt like it added to the photos of where i'm at mentally.

first year of med school has been a whirlwind of amazing new things and also a bit of a disaster. here's a list of updates in no particular order of just everything that comes to mind since i started school:

i had my first course failure ever (like.... ever.) and it's taken a huge toll on my psyche. i have to remediate it in the summer and it sucks because i wanted to do other things and i have to just sit with this feeling of having failed something big time for the next two months until then.

before that, though, i got thru first semester for the most part unscathed. a few bumps and bruises but nothing crazy.

im a part of student government and had a major success in getting rid of a really awful lecture that people have been trying to get changed or removed for at least the last three years.

i got to visit my partner abroad for christmas! it was wonderful and i miss them so much. it makes it that much harder to be down here i think.

i have gone to the beach and stared at the ocean a few times and it helps but i don't do it often.

back in august, i had a major back injury that limited my mobility almost completely for two days. since then, it's been on and off pain for months and i finally started going to PT. hopefully we can make the pain go away because apparently it has already made my left leg decently weaker than my right leg 💀

my cat had a really bad cancer scare back in september and he's only now beginning to recover. i love him so much and we had come to terms with not putting him thru surgery to remove the tumor and just wanted to keep him comfortable and at home. my mom fed him holy water and he's managed to get better. ❤️‍🩹

i've forcing myself to get back into journaling and reading because i need hobbies that are off-screen and i'm limited from exercising until my back is a little better.

i bought noise-canceling headphones (pictured above) and they've changed my life tbh. i don't know how i managed before.

i didnt used to burn candles but now they help me turn my brain into focusing mode and it's changed my relationship with stress and studying.

i went on a random mini vacation with my family to nintendo world in february and i think i healed a part of me that i didn't know needed healing.

i think that's all the biggest updates i have to share. i've been documenting med school and life more often on my private twitter account but it feels more important to me to make sure i get it here in this blog. i want to be more consistent with posting here again! i might add it to my to-do lists when i update newsletters and socmed. but i also like this blog just being a space for me to be without a lot of pressure to keep up with it. idk. thank u for being here! for reading and for sticking with me 🫡 till next post

[mischiefmanaged71]

Turning Tables (2/8) - Joaquin Torres x Reader

Summary: Nothing riles up Y/N more than stubbornness, especially when those she cares about get hurt. Y/N checks up on Joaquin when he arrives back from a mission gone bad.

Author’s Note: Continuation of my series! Hopefully I’ll be able to complete this series. I’ve planned to write at least five chapters. Like, reblog and comment if you enjoyed it! Should we have a counter by the end of the series how many times Y/N calls Joaquin ‘Flyboy’. IDK I love that she calls him that and it’s a cute nickname 

Warnings: FLUFF, slowburn

Pairing: Joaquin Torres x fem! reader

Word Count: 1.5K

You were relaxing at home when you got the text from Sam. Joaquin got injured on a mission in Switzerland, investigating the Flag Smashers. He had tried to arrest one of their members, or who he thought was the leader of the heist, when he was knocked down and unconscious by the incredibly strong individual.

You thanked Sam for letting you know and grabbed your keys to rush to the Airbase. 

As soon as Joaquin’s plane arrived, you were there, walking up the airstrip to interrogate him.

“What happened to keeping me updated?”, you approached him with furrowed eyebrows.

“I was kinda preoccupied in the moment.”, gripping a bag over his shoulder.

You sighed, clicking your tongue and tilting your head.

“All you had to do was ask and I would have been there.”

He waved his hands, his bruised orbital causing him to squint slightly.

“It's just a broken orbital, Y/N. I’m fine, honestly.”

“You’re lucky all you got was a broken bone. I gave you my number so you could call me in for these types of missions.”, you shook your head. 

“Look, it was just supposed to be recon, it happened to turn sideways.”

You left out a huff as your hands travelled to your hips. Your lips pursed but you made eye contact with Joaquin’s slouched posture and tired eyes. A patch of blue and purple bloomed under his eye along with a scatter of scratches and cuts. 

You stepped closer, gripping his arm delicately,

“The last thing I-,we want is for you to get hurt when we could have stopped it. I’ve faced all sorts of threats in the past so nothing really fazes me anymore.”, you chuckled.

Joaquin let out a breathy laugh, nodding his head as you rubbed his arm.

“Also, Sam can be annoying sometimes so it’s refreshing to hear someone else’s voice.”, earning a slight chuckle from Joaquin as he gripped his injured side.

“What I’m saying is, you don’t have to do it alone.”

Joaquin relaxed his shoulders, feeling the work of the last couple days hit him.

“I know, it’s just - I’m still trying to get used to it, ya know? Having people there for me. It’s been quiet these five years.”

Here is where you had two differing experiences. Almost half the universe had been blipped out of existence. 

For those that remained behind, they had to move on without their friends and loved ones. 

For those that came back, they had to get on with what they lost - time and coming home to a place that was changed.

“I know that must’ve been really hard. I barely recognise half of the places I walk by. Everything is so different now…”, you trailed off.

Once you returned, your family was broken. Natasha and Tony had sacrificed themselves to bring everyone back, Steve had left them to return the stones in the past and Wanda…

Wanda left after Tony’s funeral. Vision was gone and so was Natasha - her grief was different from the rest. 

You had all drifted apart after the Blip, trying to find your way to who you are now. After Steve left the shield with Sam, you’d always wondered what would happen next. Bucky was trying to adjust to the times, still recovering from his trauma. The US Government had mandated therapy for him with a weekly therapist but he didn’t seem to like her much at all. Y/N knew the therapy was good for him, but the therapist’s methods were questionable in her mind. 

They were all changed by what happened, but they were trying to find normalcy. They came back into a world far different than before. They were different people from before it all happened.

“I didn’t call you because I thought it was nothing at the time. I’ve been tracking these guys online for months. They’re dangerous and I didn’t want to drag anyone else into it unless I was sure.”

Joaquin ducked his head down to play with your hand, 

“I wouldn’t be able to deal with myself if something happened to you.”

You paused for a moment at his revelation, gripping his hand tightly in response.

“That’s different-”, you shook your head

“How? How is it different?”

“I’ve got powers to protect myself, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that I do.”, he shook his head.

You both paused, sighing in the silence before you decided to jump back in to break it...gently.

“I’ve had my fair share of broken bones but I gotta say, that looks painful.”, you pointed at his bruised cheek.

Joaquin rolled his eyes and chuckled, nudging your shoulder.

“Well some of us aren’t invulnerable. Also pretty sure the guy who knocked me out was enhanced.”

“No shit...and this is why we always?...listen to Y/N, yes!”

“Oh, c’mon! You’re gonna milk this for ages, aren’t you?”, Joaquin groaned.

“Yup.”

A smirk grew on your face at his grimace.

“Ok ok, how about we grab some food? My treat?”, he opened his arms in defeat.

You scoffed, slapping Joaquin’s bicep, 

“Are you kissing up to me, Flyboy?”

He swatted your hands, a grin playing across his face as he chuckled,

“No… but would it get me back in your good graces?”

You pondered on it for a few seconds, nodding furiously at the proposition to dinner.

“Hmmm, I’ll have to consider it. I’m craving Italian food. Pizza?”

Joaquin nodded his head along as you both walked towards the front entrance where you had parked your car.

“Yeah, that sounds good.”

You walked side by side, slowing to meet his pace. He had a slight limp as he favoured his left, being cautious about his sore side.

“You better not say you like pineapple.”, Joaquin jabbed.

You huffed, eyes widening in shock.

“And what is wrong with pineapple on pizza?!”

“Aside from the fact it’s disgusting! Fruit does not belong on a pizza.”, he scrunched his nose in disgust, laughing at your aghast expression.

“Tomatoes are a fruit!”, you pointed out.

“That doesn’t count!”

You nodded your head as you unlocked the car, 

“I think it does.”

Grabbing his bag off his shoulder, you placed it in the backseat, opening the passenger side. Nodding your head to the side, you gently nudged Joaquin to sit, pushing the door closed behind him. Jogging over to the driver’s side, you got in  and plugged in your seatbelt before reversing the car.

“Well since you’re paying, why don’t you decide this time, Flyboy?”, you glanced to the side as he relaxed in his seat.

“Alright but don’t come at me with those glowing hands if you don’t like it.”, he grinned.

You shook your head,

“Yes, because pizza toppings are the peak of my tolerance.”

Your eyes track back to the road in focus, the radio peaking through. Joaquin’s head leaned against the window on his hand as the rumble of the car lulled him to sleep. You got lost in your thoughts as you continued along the road.

“You should take better care of yourself, Flyboy. I don’t wanna come down here again and see you hurt.”

“I’m-I know that we haven’t known each other for that long. Heck, I only met you six months ago.”, you spoke softly.

“It’s been a tough adjustment since I got back. I haven’t really felt like myself at all - but then here you are and everything just…”, your rambling filling the quiet.

“It's better… I-”

You glance over at Joaquin but his eyes are closed shut, his head leaning against the window. He’s sound asleep, looking far more relaxed and peaceful than when you first saw him. 

Your chest tightened as you scanned over the bruising scattered over his smooth, tan skin. 

“Let someone take care of you for once.”

***

Thanks again for reading, lovelies xx 

Hope you enjoyed it and tag me in TFATWS fics!

Comment if you’d like to be tagged. I’ll make a Masterlist...when I figure out how to create one (lol).

TAGS:

@asoftie4bucky @remmysbounty @cjsinkythoughts @bubblegum28universe  @farfromjustordinary  @hocusbowie @alainabooks143 @marvelnerd18 @samscaptain @alexlynn16 @dontstahpmemeow @plllover86 @petewentzfrommcr80  @literallyjustfanfiction @captainbarness @parkjammys @the-and-sign-anon @nialeesato 

[gallickingun]

ding, dong, the witch is dead!

honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.

thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.

that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.

i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.

i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.

please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.

if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.

the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.

that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.

i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.

the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.

there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.

which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.

i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.

and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.

i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.

will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.

the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?

anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖

[vtforpedro]

long, long health update - tw in tags please read them

I am going to speak very frankly about suicidal ideation; please don't read further if this is triggering for you ;3; but please know that I love you I had my follow-up appt with my neuropsych on monday to go over my results and whatnot. it was virtual, and I was in the middle of a head episode and I told her I wasn't doing well, but within about 5-10 minutes, she was saying I should probably go to the ER lkajflaj I guess it looked pretty bad lmao anyway I told her all the reasons I couldn't. medical trauma, being dismissed b/c I have doctors who manage my headaches, and I know it's not life-threatening even if it is 10/10 agonizing, so why are you here. they're so dismissive. she said that they have medication to possibly help break the cycle of constant migraines but I've been treated with those before and they didn't do shit migraines are secondary to iih. it's the iih that needs to be fixed ._. she said I still deserved to not suffer and that the ER is very strict about keeping covid patients away from other patients and I didn't have the heart to tell her they intubated a covid patient 10-15 feet away from me last time I was in an ER 😭 anyway so the results. she said she wasn't worried about anything going on that was concerning or indicating something wrong in my brain. I DID score quite a bit lower for someone my age on information processing (which is exactly what I said I was struggling with to my two neuros who were both like ehhh) and some issues with memory but they weren't super specific and so it could be something neurological, could be my migraines and constant agony lmao, could be my Emotional State. could be all of them at once, I suppose ;) she went into more detail about some of these things but it was the two questionnaires I filled out that were HNNN. so once all the data is entered from like 300 questions it shows a good look into my personality and perceptions and all that and it makes a cool little graph (OR SO I THOUGHT). the kind that looks like mountain peaks. so she points at the one that is waaay higher than the rest and nearly touching the top of the box and she's like 'do you see this one' me: yeah 😬 her: this is your feelings and ideations about suicide me: 😬 😩 😬 her: when I see a score this high, I stop what I'm doing and I call the police to have them escort you to a hospital me: 😬😬😬😬😬 her: but I didn't do that. because when we spoke in office you told me you felt this way and why you don't do it. you told me it's something you've lived with for a long time and the pain you are suffering is what makes it so bad. and I trust you me: 😭😭😭 okay her: do you see this line down here? this is people who have suicidal ideation recorded on this test. you scored 98% higher on suicidal ideation compared to people reporting suicidal ideation HNNNNNN. she said it probably wasn't surprising to me and asked me if I was safe again and all that. I assured her I was and said in my previous appointment; I've had suicidal thoughts since I was like 12? maybe earlier. there have been very few times in my life not surrounded by abuse and trauma so I'm never really free of it. I've had four traumatic incidents causing increasingly horrible episodes of ptsd in nine years. all through my 20s. still here woo, lol and she said she knew that and had a patient not long after my first appointment who had similar circumstances in their life. and they told her it's almost a comfort having it. cause I was saying it's in the back of my mind at all times and I won't do it, but yeah, it's always there. anyway she said they said the same thing; it's always there, always in the background as 'hey I'm an option!' even though we aren't going to harm ourselves. it's a comfort knowing there is an option even if we plan on never using it? idk it just spoke to me and I felt it in my soul we talked about some emotional stuff after and I cried and it was a thing. it felt really good to speak to a psychologist who, just as she was in the first appointment, seemed genuinely concerned and wanted to help

me. I told her I was ready for therapy and she said she'd already looked for therapists for me lkasjdlkja and gave me a group that I emailed yesterday. I don't think they'll take my insurance but she said to message her through the portal if they don't and she'll try to find someone who does I don't remember if I mentioned it, but since she knew about the head shit before I met her, she dimmed her office lights without asking if I needed it and like as soon as we started the virtual visit, she leaped up and dimmed them and said she should've thought about it before the appt 😭 (I keep my brightness really low on my computer and use the warming feature 24/7 on comp and phone and my apt is really dimmed but it still helped a lot when she did it) she kept saying 'you did nothing wrong. it was the choice of others to do what they did. you don't deserve to carry their choices. you deserve to be able to hand it back to them. you don't deserve to be in pain. you did nothing wrong. you deserve to be free of what they did and you deserve to not suffer in such physical pain' I'm so wary of doctors but I really like her and I feel fortunate to have been referred to her ;3; speaking for a long time and especially emotionally is hard for me, so I might try to do two sessions a month once I find a therapist and see if I'm ok with that. trying to keep everything virtual while delta is out there I read her report and her official diagnosis is uhh really strong for major depressive disorder, severe. and severe ptsd with disassociative symptoms so!!! I claimed both of those on my disability application and the person handling my claim told me when I had this appt to call and let her know because she wanted the info. I signed a release the day I was there when I told my neuropsych that cause MH stuff is different than other medical records. she said she faxed it to the woman handling my disability application but I was gonna call her and ask if she received it and also tell her I have a new neuro so she will probably request his stuff too I called today and her voicemail box is full so lol try again later today's been awful. last night was horrible. got a bill for over $800 from my colonoscopy/endoscopy even though I asked numerous times if insurance was covering it and was told yep, every penny. so I was on the phone with insurance and the surgery center for 45 minutes. insurance seemed confused af but the agent I spoke with got some help from people who handle this stuff I guess finally she told me not to pay it, they're going to send them a letter to get it sorted (idk if this means I won't have to pay it at all or if they're going to try to make it that way. but I think govt insurance, which is what I have, works differently. like doctors kinda have to follow what they say vs. the other way around) and not worry about it for the next 30 days. I'm still gonna worry about it lmao they used a nice scare tactic on the bill that this was the 'LAST AND FINAL NOTICE' despite the fact they've never sent me anything else. my mom and the insurance agent said nah that's just what they do to scare people into paying fuckin love america <3 land of the free. the american dream! greatest country on earth 💜🖕💜 I just don't want it to go to collections and have to fight credit bureaus to get it off my credit so it's not destroyed |: anyway my head hit like 10/10 bad while I was on the phone cause of the talking a lot and trying to PROCESS INFORMATION and stress and also the fucking hold music, which I have to hear in some way b/c I gotta know when they're back on the line hnnnnn bad day. it's 1pm and bad, bad, bad day. bad month all around. I want this shit to stop anyway. I'm sorry about the suicidal ideation talk, but it's important to talk about that stuff. it can get severe but it can also get better. it does, eventually, even if it comes and goes. it always does get better I'm sorry, I also really needed to get this down somewhere. feel like I'm going to explode emotionally AND physically and I need to talk about it. hopefully

soon I'll have a therapist to talk to so I can get a lot of this stuff worked on. got my whole life to chat about so it'll probably take a long time but I'm willing to let it lmao therapy doesn't usually work for me anymore but idk I've had a lot of shit happen in less than two years so maybe it will this time I'm trying! I really am trying if you read this rambling monster, thank you. love you all and please stay safe

[jeongyvnhoe]

cosmic love | a jaehyun story - chapter one

idol!jaehyun x idol!reader 

genre: fluff(?), idk we’ll see

words: ~1k

a/n: a little confusing (?) at first, but hopefully it starts to make more sense. very much a work in progress and just some fun stuff i’ve been coming up with in my brain. not a serious work but if anyone likes it, let me know and i’ll update it more frequently :) !lowercase is intentional! 

"say that again" 

he looks at you, his ears betraying any confidence he had left, burning a bright red.

"please don't make this any weirder" he whined, looking at his feet

you really wanted him to say it again. the words never processing in your mind with how sudden they had come out of his mouth.

... 

you and jaehyun had been working together on some songs; tonight one of the many nights of lyrical brainstorming that the two of you shared. this having been going on for months now, every time getting closer to him than before.

over the late nights and coffees and delivery food, you had grown fond of him. turning into good friends sending each other random texts of inspiration; audio clips of random melodies he came up with while getting his hair and makeup done for a schedule; videos of his late night walks to gain some inspiration; clips of you playing the piano or guitar; comments on his melodies; the exchanges turning into phone calls that lasted hours. 

you never planned on letting it get that far. a guard you never knew you had up, slowly coming down in the presence of this aquarius boy. and now here you were, after months of wanting to do something about it, say something about it, let him know how you feel, and in such few words, he's managed to flip your world completely upside down. 

"hey... um, I was actually wondering if you wanted to do something later.. like outside of the studio... like.. a date." 

"say that again" 

maybe it was because you had to take the time to process what he suggested or maybe it was the abruptness with which the question had come, but you something so desperately to create more of a gap in time. something to pause and stall so you could gather your thoughts that flowed so freely in your mind and often appeared as metaphors in the songs you two would write. 

his question rang in your ears as your blood rushed to your toes and you felt the adrenaline beg for you to take action, take control of the situation that had transpired on this wednesday night. so you giggled and he looked back at you, mortified, his ears betraying any kind of confidence he had left, burning a bright red.

"please don't make this any weirder" he whined, looking at his feet.

you couldn't help but feel bad, so you put all of the jitters and nerves away and decided to bite the bullet.

"okay, first of all, I'm not laughing at you, that's not the kind of person i am, you know that. and secondly, i think we need to talk about what a date would be like between us two" 

he stands there, part confused, part relieved that you haven't shut him down yet. "so.. what are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking.. that there's currently a pandemic and going out somewhere is kinda complicated so we'd have to work around it." 

"do you have a better idea?" he asked with an eyebrow raised, physically having calmed down from facing probable embarrassment.

instantly, you knew what to do.

"do you have any allergies?" you asked

"no?" 

"okay good, how soon are we having this date?" 

"um i have friday off, we could do it that day. but, what do you have in mind? what are we doing?"

"don't worry about any of that, just be at my apartment at around 4pm." 

you could see his brain working in the way his eyebrows furrowed and the way he crossed his arms. 

"should I bring anything?"

"nope. just yourself." you shook your head and smiled at him. the room got quiet and you wanted to ask a question so desperately on the tip of your tongue but the walls, although in the process of being torn down, were still there and it was so difficult to let your heart win so it was better to leave it at that. to leave it safe. 

going on a date with jaehyun didn't necessarily mean anything. you knew the two of you were mature enough to remain friends even if it didn't work out, but something in the back of your mind needed to remind you that nothing ever goes the way you plan it. and that quick, fleeting, and negative thought was quickly taken over by the need to reassure him that you've had the biggest want to ask him out yourself, but always chickened out because it felt weird to ask out someone who was somewhat of a coworker. 

your reverie was cut short by his phone dinging and a message calling him out to the group van signaled his retreat from this strange exchange.

"so I'll see you friday?" he wears a sheepish smile after the ill-timed message cut off whatever was about to spill over from the silence in the small studio room.

"yeah, I'll see you friday." 

...

you stayed in the room for countless hours after he left. running over what happened and regretting the decision to not say what was on your mind. regretting not crushing him in a hug and telling him all that you've wanted to say to him. telling him how he's a great guy and how you've been halfway in love with him for months now. all while he's been harboring similar feelings for you.

running it in your mind, it began to make more sense. he spent time with you, because he liked your company. maybe not in a romantic sense at the time, but he stuck around and worked on songs with you all the same. there had to be some truth to that. some comforting glimmer of hope that a relationship with jaehyun could work out regardless of the public eye he was constantly under, regardless of whether or not it went public. but that would be nothing if you couldn't even tell the boy how you felt. 

that, you decided, would be the first thing to discuss on the fateful friday date.

[danideservedbetter]

Alright so, here’s how things are gonna work.

First off, welcome to this side blog. Since it won’t be jolly fun fandom content and will be a little more personal I decided to separate my health and writing journey from my fandom stuff, although all my fandom content will still be linked on my main blog here.

(I write Izuocha/bnha content which isn’t super popular so if you’re not here for that then yeah, I don’t blame you. But if you are I have a link to our discord and community content pinned so def check it out if you’re interested.)

Secondly, you guys will hear details about stuff relating to my health like what kinds of things affect my disorder based on the tests some doctors are ordering, how I’m trying to improve my diet and activity, and routines and goals I’m attempting for myself. I am underweight, and that’s something I’m going to be talking a bit about, so if that’s triggering following this blog might not be the best thing for you. Details under the cut.

So, what kind of disorder do I have and why did I decide to make a health journey blog? My disorder is called idiopathic hypersomnia. Basically what that means is that when my disorder is acting up (based on factors like stress especially or my generalized anxiety rearing its ugly head) I have the capacity to sleep. And sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep. My longest recorded uninterrupted “sleep-attack” was 26 hours long and ever since I caught Covid in January, my body had been slowly growing weaker to the point I was starting to develop atrophy. I’ve had this ten years and my neurologist suspects inactive cells from mononucleosis I caught at 14 was the cause, because other IH patients have linked their sleeping problems to a case of mono or have had it at some point in their lives.

This disease stole many years and many things I’ve looked forward to from me. I lost friends and experiences and failed so many college classes I had to drop out.

I’ve decided I’m taking them back.

It’s not going to be easy. Just as it took ten years to convince myself that my tiredness was something I chose to give into, it took several extra years and many fights with my family to convince them that I had a real actual neurological disorder and that I need help sometimes. My parents and grandmother finally understand that I have to finish college and find a very special boss willing to work around my erratic progress on projects, but the outsiders they married are not as convinced. My grandmother’s husband kicked me out of their house because he wants to be the center of attention and doesn’t like that some days I’m so weak that I needed my grandmother’s help, and my father’s wife thinks I’m a lazy and ungrateful leech who “gets anxiety just being around” me. Both told my father I’ll never be happy so why even bother with me, but my dad is actually striving to understand his own recently-diagnosed PTSD so while we still butt heads he’s understanding that I have to take things day by day because every tiny circumstance affects my disorder.

Now, why did I decide to air all this out? Well, being open about my disorder and how it affects me has helped at least two people that I know of find out that the tiredness they experience isn’t the typical “American work force exhaustion” they were trained to believe is normal. So if I can help even one more, I’ll gladly talk about what this entails and how I deal with it day to day. Another reason is that I’m also one of those big advocates who believes talking candidly about mental health destigmatizes it and sharing ideas can help us grow as people and maybe make it a little easier to deal with.

So now that you know a little bit about me and my disorder, here are my big goals for the next three months provided my university takes pity on me and actually lets me go back.

First up: create routines to train my body to get used to living a full day fully awake. This includes waking up at the same time and going to sleep at the same time. It means getting dressed and going out and doing things, even little things— which I’ll get to in a sec.

Second: I write. I have a novel in limbo and I write fanfics. Writing is a big part of who I am and I’ve written one thing this year, which for a whole six-month stretch is upsetting and disappointing. Today is my reset. In the next 569 days I want to to finish the six stories I have in limbo (except the larger one) and finally reach my goal of posting 200k words in a single year. I wont be hard on myself if I can’t accomplish this because honestly finishing anything in the chaos of my life is going to be a miracle but. There ya go.

Third: go back to freakin college. I don’t care what it takes. Sit down with every official, every lawyer, and every professor it takes to get me back enrolled in classes in the fall.

Fourth: I have several smaller things I have to do, short term goals, stuff like that. I’m gonna create a to do list each day of small tasks I want to get done and while some of these things will be part of my daily routine I am throwing in like one or two things a day that just need to be done. My writing goal will change daily and I’ll keep y’all updated on that with every post I make.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Dani! That’s so much!! Well, a few months ago I remembered hey!! I basically have a computer in my hand, why make it hard on myself. So I downloaded certain apps to help me out. This isn’t me saying “hey go subscribe to these apps because I said so” it’s just that through a lot of trial and error I’ve come to find that these certain apps work for me and I’ve yet to come across one that has the functionality of everything I need.

Tiimo — so this is an app I found developed by people with autism for people with autism to help them develop good habits and routines. It has preset daily schedules (things like morning routines or nightly routines or work routines) and an internal alarm to let you know when to move on to the next task. I myself have extremely low-level aspergers (to the point where my doctor won’t give me an official diagnosis because I didn’t want people think that *it’s* the reason I have issues with school), so moving from task to task can be difficult sometimes and I also deal with getting distracted. This widget also appears on my home screen so I know what I have to do at a glance. You can program in weekly and daily tasks to fully customize your schedule, which is fantastic for someone like me who wants to for example rotate chores. This is hopefully going to help me get my body in the habit of adjusting to routines and transitioning from one task to another, as well as getting important things done responsibly.

Promptly Journals — I’ve been told for a while that journaling is helpful mentally to kind of recenter yourself, so a bit ago I downloaded several journal apps to add to my morning routine. Now some will prefer more creatively free journals, but I prefer this one that gives me small prompts I can do in a short amount of time that just allows me to get my thoughts down. I can even add pictures at the bottom that go with the theme! I’m scared I’ll run out of prompts eventually lol but until then this app works very well for my needs.

Stretchingexercise — Now idk if it’s from lack of sleep from my disorder, the position I sleep in when I do sleep, all the physical labor I’ve had to do in the past couple weeks, my medicine, or w h a t but I suffer from body aches like no one would believe. I know stretching is supposed to help with that, so I downloaded this app to help me do non-demanding physical activity that wakes me up in the mornings and helps relieve pain so I don’t keep having to take pain relievers. This one has different plans for things like muscle tension, back pain, warm ups— and it also gives you rudimentary weight updates (I’m underweight lololol so we’re looking to fix that) or plan updates. It’s worked really well for me so far and gives you animations and descriptions of the workouts (some taken from yoga) as well as timed breaks and a narrated guide. It’s been pretty helpful in temporary relief and if nothing else gets my blood flowing in the mornings.

Widgetsmith Step counter — in addition to the stretching thing one thing my doctor and I discussed that helps with the sedentary lifestyle is simply walking. I’ve needed so bad to relieve my stamina and reverse the atrophy, and walks have been stellar for that. Now I live in the New Orleans area so humidity and heat force me to go at the crack of Dawn, but honestly my weenie dachshund Charlie really enjoys our time out so he goes with me! The CDC recommends 10,000 steps a day which seems like a lot and it is if you don’t get out much. But this gives me an excuse to get dressed and do the hygienic thing and help Charlie be healthy too, as well as give me time for brainstorming because we walk in a truly beautiful area. I’m sure everyone installed widgetsmith with the last iOS update (Apple users anyway) and while at first the step counter was just interesting I’ve since come to rely on it! We do our 5000 in the morning, which of course is half, and I find that other things I do throughout the day typically drive the counter higher. Anything leftover can easily be accomplished by an evening walk in our neighborhood. Now the caveat is that I have to remote have my phone in my pocket because I don’t own a watch or anything fancy lol, but honestly I need to keep it on me anyway so that serves as a good reminder.

Todoist — this one is my FAVORITE. Ever since I’ve decided that I have trouble keeping track of things I need to do and small stuff I need to keep in mind and appointments, etc, I decided to find a list app. This is the one I found that absolutely helps me for everything from my list of room supplies I need to buy, to my reading list, to general tasks I have coming up I need to complete. And its widget functionality keeps it right on my Home Screen! More organized individuals can just use tiimo, but I’m definitely not one of those individuals so this app is sorely needed and appreciated.

And of course, I know building habits the first few weeks is HARD. So for days my body doesn’t respond to my alarms, I have a checklist of the key things I have to do to keep my life as functional as possible.

So that’s that on that. I’m going to try to keep writing updates and my daily goals in a post in the morning, and reblog what I accomplished in the evening. It’s gonna be tough. But I’m thinking if I can start small I’ll be able to build my stamina enough to return to college and be successful when I do. I hope that anyone watching this journey draws some kind of meaning or inspiration from it. And you guys can even follow along if y’all want! Especially for writers or people trying to get healthier. I can’t promise what works for me will work for you (and honestly I expect things to change especially if I get accepted into college again) but hey, I figure it’s worth a shot.

I hope you guys enjoy watching this journey, if nothing else I hope it’s entertaining. And maybe it’ll be successful. I do know that I’m just gonna try for it, and hope it works out.

First daily update to follow

Xoxo

Dani

[zsocca55]

I’m currently reading the third book of the Caraval series, and lemme tell you, I’m SCREAMING. Legend you are an asshole and nothing will change that, you can be the prettiest boy in the universe but you won’t fool me. Too bad Tella is falling for all the tricks.... Hopefully this book won’t end in a mess. There is enough mess in the middle though. Jacks is good boi, I love him, he didn’t do anything to make me hate him so far. Lets hope he won’t. I will update this description once I’m through the book and tell what I think. Until then, enjoy this illustration of Legend! Character (c) Stephanie Garber Art by Zsocca

Edit:

I’ve finally read the third book, so I’m gonna write a long summary of my thoughts about the series. Because it gave me a lot of feels. And tons of heartbreaks. (spoilers ahead)

Okay, so the ending was kinda silly. The first half of Finale was making some sense, then somehow something happened and the other half became a mess I’m still trying to get over.

Throughout the book, I felt like Scarlett was pushed into the back, and Count Nicolas appeared only to have Scarlett do something in the first half of the book. Closing off the count-plotline was a good idea but not planned out well. He appeared only for one scene only to die soon afterwards. That’s just wasting of a character.

Same could be said about Paloma/Paradise. She was brought back only to get killed and we didn’t even get to know her. Shame, because I was intrigued by her backstory and personality.

Also the Fates were there and the Fallen Star came in. He could have come sooner? Idk, he could have abducted Scarlett in the beginning and we could have had moments of him and her daughter getting to know each other and the reader would have also got a picture of his motives. Scarlett could have used her wits to get on his good graces. And don’t even get me started on why the heck did she become empress to begin with.

Does Valenda have a government? Surely the empresses/emperors have a council and such who at least get a saying in the ruling of the empire. How can such a mess happen in an empire’s capital while the population does nothing but goes from one ball/festival to another in a span of a few months?

Julian was also made to feel like a background-character. But to give him credit, he is the only accountable male love-interest in this series. He lies a lot, yes, but he is trying to be a good person and he is acting like a decent human! That’s an achievment in this series!

 Lets discuss Tella, the problematic child. She was making me bang my head against the wall a few times, but I could understand her problems because she just turned 17 and is basically a needy teenager with an attitude. But then I just got fed up with the way she was running from one boy to the other. Excusing everything Legend did while also complaining about the awful things he is doing to her, only to then run to Jacks for help (and he does help every time she needs him) and then tells him to ‘get lost I don’t like you’. That made me feel like she is just as manipulative as the two men fighting for her heart. Or whatever she has, because they don’t wanna love her.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I didn’t like Dante in the first book, and I didn’t get to like him in the second. He felt like a different person in every single book. Even after it was revealed that he is Legend, I couldn’t unite the two in my head and I still can’t. The author also mentioned that originally they were two separate people and well, it shows. In the third book he was mostly referred to as Legend, and I can understand why: because Legend is Legend and Dante is not really him.

Also, he was kinda useless in the second half of Finale. Tella collected all the infos needed from Jacks, Legend just tagged along to find the stuff. Then he was killed and soon put in a cage. I didn’t understand. He just took the mighty witch’s powers, he was almost as strong as a bunch of Fates, but he still had no power to even stand against Jacks when he popped up.

He is showed as this immortal being who clings to his powers while pushing his own brother away, and then he suddenly changes heart at the very end of Finale. It made no sense. Where did that change come from? What happened to him in that cage that he suddenly felt like becoming mortal for Tella is now the thing he wants? It was abrupt and unexplained.

The powerful, magical being he was in Caraval is nowehere to be seen. He did his tricks in this book too, but he couldn’t really use them to his advantage. Which is strange, considering how smart he was portrayed before - he invented Caraval, he moves the plot behind the scenes - but now he is just out of wits. The mighty Legend from the previous two books couldn’t make it to Finale, and I think it’s due to the fact that he was revealed to be Dante at the end of Book 2 and this threw his character off the road.

Lets talk about Jacks as well. It’s no secret that I like him, but I’ll try to be objective. First of all, he was hinted in Book 1 at the very last page, then hinted at Book 2 in the very first page with a prophecy that shaped Tella’s very idea of love and marriage and set the destiny of her love-life (at least in her mind). Then there is the true love and the beating heart thing from Book 2.

 Finale expands on this by affirming that an immortal can’t love, so we assume Jacks is bad news and is entirely selfish with his obsession of her. But his actions don’t line up with the villain he is told to be. We just hear that he does bad stuff, but we never actually see him do anything bad. Although he is able to manipulate feelings (even with his faint power), he is not making any great efforts to use that to his advantage.  He allows Tella to have free will. He lets her use him and his skills when she needs him. He also does his own tricks and twists on their deals, but he never outright lies to her. He is selfish, but also surprisingly considerate. He also constantly lets her go and is not actively trying to get rid of the “rival”. It’s strange. Jacks goes back and forth with her, until the second half of Finale turns him into the villain he was supposed to be from the beginning. He finally strides in, announces what he wants and takes it. But due to the previous history we had with him, this sudden change in his attitude is just as abrupt as Legend’s change of heart at the end.

I guess this was a last minute decision: make Jacks a real villain and give room for Legend to be endgame and get redemption. Which I don’t think ended up well.

And what about the Fates? Dunno, we don’t know. There were a few thrown in there, but aside from Gavriel and Anissa, we didn’t get to know them that much. And the ending casually mentions they fled to North. Fled? Come on, they are magical beings, they could rule the empire if they banded together. Nobody could stop them. Yes, they can die now, but they have powers! Heck, Jacks could make everybody like the Fates if he wanted to, manipulating the emotions of the government and even Valenda’s people.

The thing is, the author created these overpowered beings, and couldn’t find a decent way to defeat them, because by human standards, they are undefeatable. Legend was an important, powerful barrier against them - or not, because he was weak in Finale for some reason.

Also Jacks could have been a key ally from the enemy’s side, if Tella wasn’t so stubborn about pushing him away. He basically worked against his own kind, admitting his and the others’ weaknesses.

The characters are flawed, which is good, they make me proud once and then disappoint me like an impulsive child, so I have no complaint about their characteristics. Keeping them consistent was a problem though.

The series itself was imaginative, full of creativity, it had a magical vibe and an intriguing plot. Too bad this plot couldn’t find it’s clear end.

There were many good ideas thrown in this book, but a bunch of cool items collected in a room don’t make it a harmonic room.

These are my final thoughts: Caraval is fantastic start, Legendary is a good sequel, and Finale is a problematic ending.

Does this ruin the experience? I don’t think so. I enjoyed the series, it kept me at the edge of my seat. Caraval and these characters will surely remain with me, so I thank the author for this wild ride!

[fmdtaeyongarchive]

q3 2021 update & plot call !!

below the cut, you can find an update on ash’s current life, career (or rather absence of), and development for quarter three, as well as plot and thread ideas! if you see anything that you’d like to plot out or write with him, like this or message me, and we can get to it! i have a lot in mind about where ash is right now, so i might add more and expand later on!

mentions of ash’s continuing struggle with mental illness under the cut in case you don’t wanna read that rn

professionally

ash is on hiatus the whole quarter so... not much going on here.

uhh basically the first two days of july he was still trying to get bc to let him take a break so schedule threads could be set then if they cross paths at the bc building! he’s going to be participating in concert rehearsals for knight to a less intense extent since bc, as of the beginning of his hiatus, fully intends him to participate in the concerts. he’ll miss about the first half of the tour, but in july and august he’ll still be attending knight tour rehearsals some to keep up. schedule threads can also be done then!

(note that he’ll be missing the bc city concert as well — i don’t see him dropping by just to support either tbh, sorry bc ppl. white knight duo ver tho let’s gooooooooooo)

ash will eventually start writing music and finding his love of that again though and that’s pretty much the most work he can do during his hiatus, so it’d be cool to maybe have him write, compose, or produce for a few people that might be releasing later this year or sometime next year if anyone is interested? :) we can see if ash would work for it. there’s also opening for him to ask a few people he’s close to to sing some demos for him when he starts trying to write again!

personally + plot ideas!

explaining how he got to his hiatus would take me all day but he basically forced bc’s hand in letting him take time off (well, he wanted to leave knight and retire ngl but his manager was like... you know that’s not going to happen let’s try a hiatus <3). you can read my badly-written solos for part of it (i still need to write more) but generally, the most other muses might know is that they might have run into him acting kinda moody/down or impulsive/irresponsible lately, he made a very uncharacteristic post on social media that hinted at being unhappy with his life currently and losing passion/excitement for even the things he used to value most highly before his social media was deactivated by bc lmaaooo. the post would have probably conveyed Something was up it it wasn’t like genuinely super triggering-level content i promise !! bc released a statement shortly after stating he’d be going on hiatus without mentioning a definitive end date.

so there’s the possibility a muse might have checked up on him after that post / the hiatus news to see how he was doing?

tbh ash isn’t going to be seeking out meeting new people during his hiatus. he’s taking time to himself and is only going to make any effort to hang out with people he’s comfortable with. those he’s not close to, he’s going to have to interact with by running into unintentionally.

he’s getting a place in jeju in the early-ish part of his hiatus. he’ll be spending a lot of time there at first because he just wants to get away from seoul, so it’d be nice to set some threads there if your muse has the time to hop over to visit him if they have anything resembling a free day. (again a certain level of closeness would be necessary, but i think one good heart to heart conversation beforehand could bring someone closer to him enough for that rn! even over text tbh lmao). chuseok would be a really good time for this !! i imagine catching up over lowkey dinners or heart to hearts under the stars, that found family ash has actively fought having lol

(that place in jeju is also going to be where he starts to want to write music again too, so music based stuff there would be chill?)

heart to hearts in general anywhere would be really good for ash right now so please give me those! they can be in seoul too for sure.

he’ll be moving into a new apartment in seoul eventually, though that will probably be a little later in his hiatus? he had some bad fan/sasaeng run-ins right before his hiatus and having so much time off makes him realize he wants to move. someone can help him house hunt or if someone else is looking for a place, they can talk together about it. i want him to realize he wants to move into a smaller place that can feel more like home

once he does move, muses are free to come over and help him set up / be his one-man housewarming party. that’s a little down the line tho !! so we might not want to plot that as a thread to write right this instant

he may also be getting a pet ! muses can come look with him at a shelter or he can run into people there!

this would be a little later in his hiatus, but it’d be interesting if once he’s doing a little better, he gets the urge to dance and runs into a muse at the dance studio. idk that he’ll ever fall completely back in love with dancing, but he might rediscover some of what he did love about dancing and ash and this muse often run into each other as he visits that dance studio a little more often and they eventually bond over it / do some dancing together.

those who still really have that passion for making music ash has lost, talk to him about it <3 he misses it. he might cry but tbh he’s liable to cry in any thread

he’s cutting his hair short and dying it back to black this month, so it would be possible to run into him at the hair salon!

ash will want to be inside at home mostly at the beginning of his hiatus, but as it goes on, he’ll start to branch out and that will offer some more opportunities to hang out. he’ll try not to go to bars and clubs really, but small music venues or jazz lounges, small indie cinemas, galleries, those kind of things will be up his alley

idk that there’s much plotting to be had around this, but this long hiatus on top of the other hiatuses he’s had and his acting out before this hiatus is going to make some of the bc team realize it might not be super wise to keep pushing him hard as a cf model (and in the long run, just less of pushing him as a major idol star within the company in general tbh) so he’ll be able to get some more tattoos and piercings and will become more comfortable, hopefully, with presenting himself how he wants to be seen / having some development in that good ol’ lack of bodily autonomy aspect ash has always had going on. he’ll be coming out of hiatus living much more of his 2021 jk fc truth with the full sleeve and the eyebrow piercing .

uhhh ? pretty far down the line but i’ll mention it while it’s on my mind :) i think it’d be cool if ash did a collab (mini-)album (or two?) at some point after getting off hiatus. i’d want it to be someone he really clicks with creatively (though they don’t have to be a songwriter — i can see it working as collaborative songwriting or as ash feeling really inspired to write for them) and wants to work with since it’s not going to be something he’s letting bc push him into it at that point, and something that just happens organically. realistically, this would work with a female vocal best by far, maybe a male rapper just based on the songs ash does / i can see him doing. probably wouldn’t want to commit to anything fully rn unless it really clicks but i wanted to throw the idea out there :)

uhmmm?? ig i should also mention ash will be paying attention to his health both mental and physical he’s been neglecting for a while. there isn’t too much to say regarding plotting here because he needs to handle it himself with trying new therapy, medications, understanding there’s some stuff beyond “just” his depression going on. coming to accept nothing’s ever going to be perfect, but that self-awareness and effort can help more than denial can. not super plot potential-y but i’ll mention it since this is all the personal update section

basically, ash is taking time to recover mentally (and physically) and ultimately hopefully leave hiatus in a better place than he started where he can be more comfortable in his career, even if just a little bit, in himself, and in his life. if he can have some good, developing threads during the time, that’d be great!

[ruinedandnotorious]

tumblr, listen.

i have a lot on my mind and i need to get it out and i have too many other people looking at my other social media accounts to say it all there. i should’ve known my old pal tumblr would be there for me.

woo lord, i am frustrated. and anxious. i keep feeling like i’m on the precipice of something. that all of my work and hope and traction is going to lead... somewhere. somehow. sometime. but i don’t know how or with who and certainly not when and i wish the when was yesterday. 

i have so many ideas i can’t get off the ground for whatever reason. i’ve tried though! i sent off some applications, submissions and emails this week that will hopefully yield some kind of results. yesterday i was very much in that mindset of, “they can bite you, but they can’t eat you,” so i just went for things. 

i’ve put things out into the world, but it never hurts to put them out there more. so, here goes.

i am lucky to have the job that i have. the money sucks, but my boss is super flexible with my time and supportive of my volunteer work. i actually really like every single coworker, which has never happened before, lol. 

right now, though, we are only working 30 hours... which is PERFECT for my mental health, but AWFUL for things like rent and bills. i’m making it, but that’s literally it. i need more money, majorly. but man, i enjoyed the hell out of unemployment last year. i want a new job - one that pays well - and one that doesn’t feel like work. i know, that’s everyone’s dream. but i feel like i am so close to getting there but it’s always just out of reach.

my job is fine, truly. it’s easy. it’s cushy - i’m working from home, thank god. BUT staying inside all day is getting to me physically and, unless i have a work meeting or am recording my podcast, i don’t talk to anyone but my cat (and my mom, by phone), so it can really drain my mental health. but i also don’t want to get out too much because, hello, goddamn covid.

this last year has taught me a lot, but it’s also changed how i socialize. i’ve always been introverted but it’s worse now and i’m picky about who/how i socialize. i have this one friend that i’ve known since elementary school. we’ve always been friends, but never super close. we have nothing in common, literally nothing. for a while, that didn’t matter. it was fun to catch up. now, though? the friendship feels like a chore. i hate saying that. but i don’t know that either of us get anything out of it, really. but she keeps trying to reach out and i’ve ignored her every time. i’ve ignored her for MONTHS. she deserves a response. but i also know that any response will just fuel the fire. i hate to be like, can we not? but every time i try to work myself up to respond to her, i just can’t. it’s like my brain is like, no, we’re not saying anything. no. don’t even consider it. i just have this block. i feel so bad saying that. she’s done nothing wrong! but i also know i tiptoe around stuff because, again, we have nothing in common, so it’s not like i can just freely speak my mind about anything. she doesn’t give a shit about anything i’m into an vice versa, so it’s frustrating to just update my life like, “well, i work, that’s it.” because she doesn’t give a damn about anything else i’m doing or am into. UGH. like. why does she want to keep this going? i had someone - like a best friend (not this friend i’m talking about, but one that’s much closer to me) - tell me recently that i am a shitty friend so... this is proof. yay.

anyway. i met someone recently who blew my damn mind. she’s a spiritual advisor/counselor, and we instantly connected about so many things but i also learned so much from her - in just the few hours we talked. i want to do an actual session with her, but her rates are high and i don’t have the money. i’ve thought about asking her if i could trade some social media services for a session - like basically be her social manager for a month - but i also know money is money and she’s worth actual money, not likes/followers on social. i don’t know. i do not want to disrespect her; i know she’s worth every penny.

but she did confirm some things i’ve wondered about in terms of those i’ve lost. she gave me a bit of peace. but i have more questions. like, a whole page of questions, lol.

she also opened my eyes to some healing work i need to do on myself... in a lot of ways, but especially in regards to my last job and how they fucked me over. i have so much anger and hurt from that, a year later. and i even consider what they did to me a blessing - it’s really led to a life that is more in line with what i actually want and value. i’m just angry at how it all went down and how they still act - or don’t - toward me. 

the mag i work for let me write about my dad’s passing and the complications of covid grief, so that was great - i had an outlet for that. but how do you go about getting your feelings out about your last employer... who’s a major player in town and who drives tourism for the city.. lol. i’m sure i’ll let it all out here sooner or later.

i jumped back on a dating site, 100% for the distraction, not because i thought i’d actually meet someone. which is probably why i haven’t, lol. like... no one even comes close to what i think i want in a man. i keep hoping someone will show up at the cemetery... yes when i’m covered in graveyard dirt and sweat and looking my worst... i also feel bad that i keep hoping the cemetery will answer all of life’s questions and fix me in all the ways. like. my expectations are too high - of a cemetery! - so i’m sure my expectations for a guy are too high too.

i’m also not ready to meet someone because i am physically just not into a relationship either. i’m my biggest i’ve ever been. i was doing so well at  becoming body neutral - just accepting of my body, not so much loving it - but woo lord, i somehow gained like 10 pounds over the last week and i am feeling it, big time. idk how i’ve gained so much when i mostly eat at home? and i don’t think i’m eating THAT bad at home? i never fry anything? i do eat a lot of cheese i guess. i don’t know. gonna go to the doctor soon and i’m sure THAT will be a fun visit. plus, my hands - especially my left hand - has really bad trigger finger (i’m guessing that’s what it is, it meets all of the symptoms on webmd lol) and it hurts so bad. i don’t wanna go back to an ortho. 

there are other issues, specifically concerning shark week (i asked my psych doc about it and she made me feel normal, so thank god for her), that i’ve got to get squared away, too. it feels like my body has just ran away from me and i can’t control any part of it.

i’ve read so many good books in the last year, holy shit. lately i’ve been watching movies while i work and holy shit, classic movies are so damn good. claude rains, man. 

pose is amazing. blanca is like, the perfect human ever? if ever i run away to start a new life, i’m using the name elektra abundance. i. love. elektra. so. much. 

i’m angry at myself because i’ve always wanted to collect mini brands and dammit i finally bought my first ball and... yep. i wanna get ‘em all. they are $7 a ball. i don’t need this stupid, expensive thing to be into.

that’s just it. i wish i had the money for little frivolous things like that. there’s an edgar allan poe tarot deck at my local witchy shop that i am DYING for. i want a new tattoo - not even anything that big or expensive! 

i really want a damn vacation. i feel so bad saying that. but i just want out of this area for a second.

SIGH.

generally... life’s alright. i just want it to be better and maybe a little more exciting.

[melonsmessymusings]

Let’s chat...

Okay so I really didn’t want to have to make a post like this but it’s something I feel the need to address, especially given the amount of people who’ve slid into my DMs or whatever and been absolutely wonderful. So I have a few updates on certain things.

Operation Red Zone currently has another 30K words written that will be uploaded. It is not an abandoned work, I just need to put it on a long-term hiatus and I can’t do that while leaving it that unresolved. So while the update won’t be completing it, it will hopefully leave it at a place where you won’t be mad if it doesn’t get totally finished. I can’t give a timeframe right now but it will be done. That work is extremely important to me, and to many of you lovelies too so I feel the need to at least give it closure. 

But why? I know nobody is owed an explanation but I’m going to provide one anyways. I can’t write anymore, I’ve been trying and trying but nothing is happening. I don’t understand why something so natural is suddenly impossible and it’s really making me angry at myself. Real life has been... unpleasant. I know I mentioned my partner passing away last month and want to briefly talk about it if that’s okay. I’ll add a cut just in case because it is a bit depressing. 

I’ve been with Em since I was 16. I grew up with her, she’s my best friend and I don’t remember her ever not being around. Since February 2019, Em had been battling lymphoma, a form of cancer, and unfortunately lost that fight this August. Despite the fact we knew back in December that it was essentially terminal, Em’s such a positive and upbeat individual that she refused to be miserable. For the past two years, it’s just been the two of us (and occasionally Charlie) against the world. It’s been unbelievably hard. Trying to balance everything on your own is difficult and as you can guess, neither of our families have been supportive or remotely pleasant about the situation, which I blame myself for entirely. So I made the decision to do everything, that I was going to be her everything because I love her. Because she’s the most incredible person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing who meant so much to so many people. The fact that the repercussions of the weight of that decision are now being revealed, is entirely on me and that’s one of those “did I really do everything I could” kind of dilemmas.

And there’s been some massive changes to my life too that I couldn’t have done without her. I started medically transitioning, I’ve been trying to build a career (so far successfully), I took out a fucking mortgage for a house, got engaged, nearly bloody killed myself in an rtc earlier this year... all huge things that take lots of energy and it’s okay, not everything is bad, some of it’s wonderful but... much harder without her. We’re a team, even when we fight and argue, I know she’s got my back and I hers. She’s the one I want to come home to, I want to hear about her day, spend time together, just everyday normal stuff. It’s a lot of massive changes in a short space of time that haven’t been properly processed yet and losing Em on top of that, despite the foreseeability, is just too much. Like I thought I was dealing well enough. Going to work, meeting mates, doing normal stuff but the depressing reality is I find myself just... lost. And I can’t write a fic as complex or detailed as ORZ to the standard I want, that you deserve, in that headspace.

And really it’s my own fault for poor planning, it’s not like I didn’t know this would happen. I should’ve done it sooner and for that, I’m genuinely sorry. You’re going to get a weird 1.5K word Calendiles fic (happy one don’t worry) at some point this weekend but heads up, it probably won’t be any good.

Didn’t mean to dump all that there but like I said, so many of you have asked or just been really lovely about everything and I wanted to tell you what’s what in one big go instead of replying to everyone individually (though I will do that at some point). So what does this mean? I’ll still be lurking as ever, spouting off shit here left, right and centre, but there probably won’t be any new fics for a while. Hopefully that makes sense idk but yeah... hope you all have a great day and thanks for being patient and supportive :)

[inside-of-a-fangirls-mind]

The White Wolf’s Dance; Chapter 3

Request; I needed some heat between the two and a bit of a dramatic cliff hanger. 

Words; 3,022

Warnings; Nudity, cursing I think, LOTS OF FEELS, and geralt is very hard to read. Nothing else really?

Pairing; Geralt X Elf/Reader and oh boy spiceee

Notes; I don’t know when I will have chapter 4 up. I haven’t even started writing it but hopefully it will be within a day or two. Im trying to be good and write a lot more. But in the future it might take even longer idk. Tuesday-Thursday are gonna be the days I probably can update the most cause I don’t work so bare with me guys. Im try and keep up with at least 2 chapters a week though if not more. I love yall so much!

——————————————————————————————————–

(I do not own anything witcher or any gifs, all rights to the creators.)

TagList; @yuminyg @andyl394 @grumgoblin

(If you wanna be on the tag list comment below or drop an ask un-anon. And I got you.)

                       *Chapter 3; Gates Of Temptation*

When you came to, you were in the last place you expected, laying in an unfamiliar bed, half-naked and all stitched up. Your head was pounding and your body felt like you hadn’t eaten in days. How long had you been out? Your hand shot to your head but there was a bandage wrapped around your head hiding your ears.

At that moment an unfamiliar face walked in before shouting down the hall. “she’s awake.” The unfamiliar female was a gorgeous blonde and soon left the door. Geralt appeared in the doorway shortly after, arms crossed.

“S-so I guess you know my secret now..” you chuckled dryly before trying to reach for the water on the side of your bed. Geralt was across the room in a second holding the cup to your lips. You take a deep drink.

“I told you not to die on me kid.” He sighs and sits beside you on the bed.

“Well last time I checked I’ve still very much alive. Bleeding but alive.” You smirk and look over him. “Thanks though.. for uh. Carrying me down a mountain and..” your fingers lingered in the headdress on you. He gave a short nod before staring at the floor.

“I’ll be in this town until you heal. Jaskier.. uh. Wants to stay close to make sure you’re okay. Seems you’ve had quite the impact on him.” Geralt stands up and starts heading for the door.

“That why you’re in here and not him?” You smirk before lifting your hand to make a gush of breeze whip through his hair. “I see you’ve taken a bath. Any chance I can?”

“Can you do it alone?” His voice was challenging but you just smirked and let your eyes roam over him.

“I’m sure I could manage. If not I know a certain Witcher who could carry me out.” You throw him a wink before closing your eyes and relaxing back against the pillow. Geralt grunted before shutting your door.

“So.. how is she?” Jaskier asked as he rounded the corner. “doing okay?”

Geralt nodded before looking over him. “she wants a bath. Why don’t you go get it ready? I need an ale.” And with that, Geralt headed out the door and towards the local inn.

Jaskier went to open his mouth but Geralt was already gone, he walked upstairs to the bathing room and began to fill the wooden tub with water. Once it was all set up Jaskier knocked on your door with a smile. “Y/N your bath is all set up.” He hummed out.

“You can come in.” You hum as you finish putting on your robe sitting on the edge of the bed. Your hands tie the band around it as the door opens and Jaskier struts in.

You glance up at him with a smile before holding out your hand to him “Be a gentleman and help a lady up. No magick this time I promise.” You hum softly. He wastes no time and walks over taking your hand and helping you up. Your hand wraps around his shoulder and his around your waist. “As long as you don’t try and seduce me again all will be well.” He teases before slowly helping you to the bathing room. “Geralt left in a rush what did you say to him?” He questioned glancing at you.

“He questioned my ability to take a bath on my own, I told him if he was so worried he could join me. Upon that he left. I can quite well handle myself, but yet he seems to doubt my ability to bath alone.” You chuckled softly before squeezing Jaskier’s shoulder. “Guess he can’t take a joke huh?”

Jaskier chuckled as well before shaking his head “He probably isn’t used to the teasing. Most find him rather,” He thought for a moment on what word to use. “Strange..” Though what people actually said about him was very different.

“Strange indeed, but surely, the woman can’t keep their hands off of him. He maybe a little scary but he is attractive under all the blood and dirt.” You smirked at the idea of Geralt truly all cleaned up and dressed in something other than black. He would look rather gorgeous.

“Oh no,” Jaskier helped you into the room and sat you on the edge of the wooden tub. “Don’t tell me you have feelings for our dear Witcher.” He teased before laying out a few towels for her.

“Oh Gods no,” You rolled your eyes at the thought, though you might feel a little something towards Geralt. Jaskier unquestionably did not need to know that about you. “Just saying if he actually took a bath more than once a month and honestly spoke. Women would be falling at his feet. Not many men like him in this countryside.” You twisted on the edge of the tub so your feet were now in the water. Slowly pulling your robe off as you slid into the tub.

Jaskier didn’t turn around under you gave him the okay. The water hid your body under the water. Not like you would mind Jaskier seeing you naked, he just wasn’t your first choice.

“That may be true, but Geralt. He’s well,” Jaskier paused to think a moment before sitting on a stool. “He’s difficult. Doesn’t need anyone, or so he says. If he didn’t need anyone I wouldn’t have had to apply a cream to his rear end before.” He chuckled at the memory.

“Oh, I would have paid to see that.” You laughed at the thought of the mighty Witcher asking for help with something like that. You ran your hands up through your hair. “Can I get a little help?” You asked pointing at the water pitcher on the other side of the room.

“Anything for the lovely lady.” He chimed before grabbing the pitcher and filling it with her bathwater before slowly pouring it over her hair. “I wouldn’t mention this to Geralt though. He might think you were trying to seduce me again.” He teased as your hands raked through your hair, washing out the grime and dirt.

“Oh, I didn’t plan on it.” You hummed before relaxing into the warm bath. Jaskier chuckled before setting the pitcher by the tub. “I’ll be back, the kitchen has no good booze and I think we could all use a drink this evening. Think you can manage for a little while without me?” He teased before leaning on the doorway to make sure you would be okay without him.

“I think I’ll get along just fine. Hurry back though. Once the water goes cold I might need help getting out.” You throw a playful wink his way before he puts his hand to his heart pretending to swoon.

“Anything for the darling Y/N” He sighed out dramatically before chuckling softly. “What’s your favorite poison?”

“Anything strong,” You smile at him before closing your eyes to rest int he tub. “Oh and Jaskier?” You open one eye to glance up at him. “Thanks.” He grins and offers you a playful bow before shutting the door and leaving you in the room and home all alone. Though you don’t mind. You softly sing out as you wash the layers of dirt and blood from your skin. “Toss a coin to your witcher, oh valley of plenty. oh, valley of plenty. Ohhh Ohh oh oh.”

After a while, you can see the water turned a deep brown from the dirt and blood coming off of you and decide it’s fitting time to get out. “Jaskier you back yet?” You call out loudly but after no answer, you shrug it off. Surely you could get out by yourself, after all, you had gotten in alone.

Putting your hands on either side of the tub you try your best to lift yourself out, but just as you almost had it a loud tear rips out in the room and you cry out in pain. Falling back down into the tub. Your hand flies to your shoulder were you could feel blood running from the wound there. “Of course I ripped my stitches. What’s a girl gotta do to get a good doctor nowadays.” You mumbled through the tears and sighed. Surely Jaskier would be back soon, he had to be.

Just as you were about to try and get out again you heard the door open and someone walks in. “Oh! Jaskier! Up here!” You yelled, your voice rather full of pain.

You here running up the stairs before looking to the door as it opened to reveal Geralt himself. Your eyes meet his as you mentally curse the gods for doing this. Sure you talked a big game, but he had made it pretty obvious he wasn’t interested.

“Fuck.” He murmured before walking over to you, kneeling beside the tub looking over your wound. But he didn’t say another word. You did your best not to look at him, but when he was this close and you could feel his breath on your bare skin it made you shiver.

He gave you a strange look before you sunk a little in the water, “It’s cold. Been in here a while.” You mumbled before glancing at his hands on your shoulder. They were big and strong and you could only imagine the things they could do to you. You clenched your jaw trying not to think like that. You weren’t sure if it was the excitement from him being able to catch you naked or nervousness since your heart was about to pulsate out your chest.

“Your heart rate is high, you’ve already lost a lot of blood. I got to get you out and stitch you up again.” He didn’t even give you a chance to process his words before his shirt was coming off and arms dipping into your bathwater.

“Hey! Oh hey! Watch your hands!” You nearly scream out, your hands on his bare chest to stop him from getting any closer. Your heart was racing now, your eyes glued to his. Knowing if you looked at his chest you would most likely lose your mind. “In case you didn’t notice I’m naked.”

“I did.” He stated flatly before moving his face closer to yours. “So you’d show yourself to the bard but not to me to save your life?” His eyes seemed to almost twinkle with his smirk.

You looked away from him a moment thinking it over before sighing loudly. “Only Jaskier never saw me naked.” You scowled at him trying to seem like you would end his life if he dared but you knew he could feel your heart racing. “Close your eyes.” You whispered.

“Are you kidding me?” He started, shifting back a little his eyes wondering to your shoulders curious to see what the bloody water hid.

“Either you close your eyes or I shall wait for Jaskier to return. He at least is a gentleman!” You half screamed at the white-haired man. Your arms moving to cover your chest and sink a little lower into the water. His eyes on you excited you but you were not about to give in to what he wanted.

“Fine.” Was the only word he said before closing his eyes and sliding his arms under your legs and around your waist. His arms were warm despite the chilly temperature of the water. You found yourself leaning onto his chest as he grunted and lifted you out of the water. Your arms clinging around his neck your eyes tracing out his facial features. The strong curve of his jawline, the subtleness of his facial hair, the plumpness of his lips. And that only made your heart pound faster and your head gets light. He stood there just holding you for a minute, his warm embrace felt like nothing you could describe. It was almost like coming home after a lengthy journey, you inhaled his scent as a smile smeared across your lips. Even covered in sweat he never smelled bad.

“I have to open my eyes to get you to your room, you know that right?” He questioned, keeping his eyes closed for the moment being. “Unless you wish for me just to hold you naked until Jaskier comes back?” His voice had a playful tone and you almost had a heart attack. The witcher had a sense of humor?

“I.. um- oh.” You muttered to yourself before looking around. Spotting the towel Jaskier had so kindly laid out for you. “Take one step to the right and three forward then slowly set me down. Jaskier left a towel on the stool for me.” Geralt’s brow furrowed but he did as she said gently. It was different not being able to see as he tried to move around the wet floor. His footing was almost lost a time or two but he managed.

Once at the stool he slowly leaned over and set your legs down on the floor tracing up your thigh to your hip to steady you. Another shiver ran up your spine as you bit your lip to hold in a gasp. But he didn’t seem to notice. You bent over to grab the towel, accidentally pushing your backside right into him. You let out a pitiful yelp before standing up and wrapping the towel around you in a quick sloppy manner. A hot blush covering your cheeks.

His eyes opened at the yelp but thankfully you had thrown the towel on fast enough for him to catch nothing but a glimpse at your bare back. “I can see how you got Jaskier to fall in love with you, with your accidental brush-ups. Watch yourself.” his eyes narrowed at you before wrapping an arm under yours and helping you back to your room. You didn’t say a word, utterly mortified.

He sat you on the bed and grabbed a pitcher of water to pour on your wound to clean some blood away. Then grabbed a needle and thread. “This is going to hurt.” His voice was monotoned, and without waiting for a response he started to stitch up your wound again.

It took everything in you not to move, not to scream. Your hands grasping the towel around you until your knuckles turned pale, your teeth sinking into your lip and your jaw clenching so hard you were unsure if you could open it again. A blast of wind flew around the room making the sheets flail a little around you, your hair blowing almost straight up and Geralt’s all in his face.

He stopped his hands pushing you back to lay on the bed. “You need to get it together. If you can’t I will have to put you under.” He snarled his tone sounding threatening. You nod and grit your teeth together forcing your magick to control its self. Trying to take your mind off the searing pain you open your eyes and watch Geralt. His face is in pure concentration as he fixes you up. You study his face, a rush of tranquility overtaking you.

Before you know it his amber eyes are staring straight back into yours. A blush crawls back over your cheeks as you open your mouth to say something, anything. His face is dangerously close to yours and he hasn’t moved away. Maybe just maybe you had a chance. Your eyes darted to his lips before back to his with an almost neediness. His eyes soften as his other hand rested on your forearm as if he was debating to pull you closer to him.

And you would have found out if he would of but at that moment Jaskier walked in the room with three bottles of ale. “Y/N I’m back- oooh oh oh what do we have here?” His self-satisfied smirk kills whatever might have been happening. Geralt stands and walks towards Jaskier then around him to the doorway.

“See to it she’s not left alone again. She tore her stitches.” He mumbled before leaving.

You didn’t realize you were holding your breath until then, a long sigh left your lips as you let your head fall against your pillow. “So, what did I walk into miss I don’t have feelings for him?” He chimed as he walked over to look at your new stitches.

“Jaskier- I” You groaned out in annoyance before covering your face with your hands. “I don’t like him. He was fixing me up after I was stupid. That is all.” You murmured into your hands but you could feel Jaskier’s smirk.

“Oh, I’m sure that was all. And perhaps care to tell me why he was shirtless?” He teased before popping open a bottle and nudging it against your arm. “Here you need this.”

You pulled your hands away from your face to take the bottle and take a long sip. “It’s nothing leave it be. Though he did say you were very in love with me?” You smirked a little wiping your mouth on the back of your hand.

“Not with you, but with that rather visionary lady you had me spend the night within my dream.” He rolled his eyes before patting your head. “She was wonderful, you’re a little dangerous though.” That made you giggle softly before taking another swig.

“Good to know.” You hum before handing him back the bottle and sighing. “I think I need a nap now. It’s been a long morning.” You whisper, Jaskier happily takes the bottle and nods. Making his way to the door before turning around to you.

“I’ll wake you in a few hours. Geralt wanted to discuss something with all of us. Probably the coins you owe us but now I’m not so sure.” He taunted before closing your door and leaving you to wonder what. Especially after everything that happened in the bathing room.

You sighed softly and closed your eyes, you would deal with what it was when you awoke right now you needed to regain your strength so you could heal yourself faster. 

Chapter 4

[starrysamu]

LITERALLY. ENDGAME HAPPENED AND I WAS JUST LIKE....... i have to go. this is toxic to stay with someone who keeps breaking my heart like—

and same! i remember going to the movie theater to watch the first iron man with my uncle and siblings and like 🥺🥺🥺 tony stark being the father figure i’ll never have? yup yup.

YEAH I WASNT INTERESTED IN WANDAVISION AT FIRST..... then i saw a few of the promos and. was like i don’t know what’s going on but i’m intrigued. then when it started everyone was talking about it and i was like HMMMM then i binged it around episode 5 and hnnng. pain honestly. never thought i’d care about wanda or vision like. them being together when the russos were like THEYRE DATING i was like ????? BUT HERE IN THIS SHOW ITS JUST. YES ITS SO OBVIOUS THEY ARE IN LOVE

the finale...... reminded me why i left in the first place because marvel keeps BREAKING MY HEART. still gonna watch falcon and the winter soldier tho

one year anniversary....... truly hate it here LOL but yeah i get that! i finally freed up a bit too which is why i’m hanging around more. i miss writing but my brain has no juices rn so it’s ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ BUT ALSO LOL SAME MY GRADES ARE... okay they’re still not great but better? and i feel much better than always wanting to put out something. i say i haven’t been writing but mostly, i’ve been doing bits and pieces of indulgent personal pieces so 🥺

but nothing much!!!!! i have finals coming up soon and this calm right now is the calm before the storm so,,,, and then spring break but i’m gonna be (hopefully) moving out !!! and back on campus. which also means i need to pick up another,,,, job,,,, but it’s okay because i know it’ll be better for my mental health then being stuck at home with my family...!

but yeah lotsa genshin LOL i just,,,,, the lore is so fun and the boys are so pretty..... and since there’s always something to do everyday and updates every so often it’s the only thing i’m looking forward to before moving out LOL

otherwise i’m glad you’re doing better in your school life!! and you better take care of yourself too!!! ):<

-⭐️ (she’s so long i’m so sorry,,,,,)

RIGHT LIKE ENDGAME WAS LITERALLY END ALL . i was like ok im too weak i can’t do this anymore and omfg i saw this tweet that was like “oh to go to a movie theater and get my heart broken by a marvel movie again” i was seriously like ..... yeah ..... yeah that’s right i know that’s right 

and omg yes!! i didn’t watch it until it was all finished. a bunch of irls were talking about it but just like u i was like i don’t think i care enough about them fr like miss girl he’s literally a computer. he’s a computer. anyways needless to say .... i’ve been convinced otherwise and they did a spectacular job of doing so. i have to cry again 

omfghhfdj i feel that so hard like no obligations no strings no nothing like yess let’s just vibe or whatever idk. ppl r busy anyways. i’m glad ur grades are doing better and taking more time to do some indulgent stuff!! seriously its what u deserve fr like treat ur self !!!!! that’s the 2021 vibe

EW FINALS SO SOON??? mine aren’t for a few months. good luck!!! you will do well i know it and even better moving out!! itll be hard to readjust to but u got it i know you’re ready and prepared for this. just be sure to take it easy on yourself, don’t push urself too much bc its just gna hurt more in the long run ): miss u lots take care AND I HOPE U DO WELL ON UR FINALS!!

[aharris00britney]

ASKS 18

Andromeda’s a big wide open galaxy; okay anyways here are some asks about Dead by Daylight, ayoshi collab, sims 5, my old recolors, and just some sweet people who sent me some nice messages <3

Anonymous said: In your collab with Ayoshi, the outfit that shows off the Ciara Top and Jess shorts, where can I find the garter belt accessory used with the shorts?

Those stockings get asked about SO much lmao. They are BY Ayoshi like.. idk why people ask about them. I desperately want him to remake them with new textures. Maybe one day lmao. All of his CC is in this post including the stocking (Miso Tights).

Anonymous said: Omg whos your dead by daylight main

Kate and Yui <3 I have been using Jane recently too. I play as Spirit for killer but I only do killer for the challenges LMAO

Anonymous said: I am very new to The Sims world, ts4 is my first time playing, and finding out I can have mods on my game change my world, and you are one of my favorite creators! So I just came to say you are really amazing. I think I have all of your hairs, and most of you others cc, it is because of you my townies look so cute nowadays!! Remember your effort is really valued and you are loved!!!

thank you so so so much ;n; I would really advise against having all of my hairs lmao there are like 150+ and a lot of the older ones have issues i want to fix... just need to find the time

Anonymous said: what do u use to get the little sparkles in your edits :o is it a brush?

I honestly don’t remember. Every since the first one I just use the same lookbook PSD that has the sparkle on it. These look similar though so try them.

Anonymous said: wcif the first two chokers used in your pic for your hairs you just put up on your patreon?

All of my patreon cc posts are public the day they go up. the download is for patrons only but the CC posts are public. Those always have the CC i use linked at the bottom. Always. They have since June of last year. Just go to my Patreon and scroll down to the hairs, and you will see them linked. No pledging or following required. 

Anonymous said: Do you have a Ko-Fi? I’m wary about trying to send a one-off via Patreon incase I forget to cancel the next month.

I have a paypal.me link > here < but please don’t feel inclined to donate. Also if you do a one-off with Patreon you can cancel it right after you pledge and you’ll still have access to the Patreon content til the end of the month. 

Anonymous said: not to rush you or anything but bella is one of the prettiest sims you've ever created and i can't wait for you to release her omg

Bella queen wbk (thank you)

Anonymous said: your models are so pretty! would you consider release the tray files of them?

that is the plan, not sure when though. I am building them a house rn which i’ve been having fun doing. They all lived in a basement before

Anonymous said: hi :) just out of curiosity, what is the EA policy u always mention concerning the third hairs in ur posts? thanks!

CC put on Patreon is supposed to be post within 21 days of going on Patreon. One of the community managers said it a while ago. I have the details on my Patreon about me page if you want to read and get links. <3

@ariapixie​ said: Happy New Years!!🎆🎉🎉🎆🎇🎆

thank you!!! i hope youve been having an amazing year so far <3

Anonymous said: Heey love :) I am obssessed with your hairstyles *_* you're the reason I switched from alpha to MM :) just wanted to ask you how come you no longer include recolors for your latest hairstyles? :)

well there were a few reasons:

1). I never used the recolors myself. I like the colors I just never used them 2). I got comments about the colors looking too metalic 3). I had started Patreon around that time and doing recolors for 3 (and sometimes more) hairs every month would have been a lot. Especially bc my DDS was broken so I had to do them a bit more complicated than just saving as DDS. 

I know that some people really liked my recolors, and I am sorry if me stopping caused any issues. There are actions for the hair colors and recoloring hair is really easy to learn and do. 

@sadnessimmer said: 💌This is the Amazing Person Award! Once you are given this award you are supposed to paste it in the ask of eight different people, who, in your opinion, deserve it. If you break the chain nothing will happen, but it is sweet to know someone thinks you’re amazing inside and out! 💌

Anonymous said: how is your content so amazing ily so much 🥺💕

Anonymous said: Thank you so much for all that you do! Your hairs and collabs are amazing

thank you so much! 

Anonymous said: Could you ever see yourself creating hairs (or custom content in general) for the Sims 5 once it comes out?   

If the style is something I enjoy and the creation method is similar yes

@ariapixie​ said: Hi I think tumblr ate my ask so I’m sorry if you’ve already gotten this. I really love your editing it’s so beautiful and I was wondering if you would ever consider doing a tutorial on how you do it

honestly most of the time i do stuff differently. I run the same topaz/sharpening actions every time and then add some shadows and play with curves. Nothing that is super intensive tbh. I wouldn’t even know how to go about doing a tutorial tbh

Anonymous said: What's your name on the gallery? I can't ever seem to find anything from you, or do you not have one?

aharris00britney; make sure you have CC enabled

@wcifblog​ said: Hi, I am in love with your CC. I'm a simmer for a long time but just lately I've been trying to learn how to make my own CC. I've seen some of your speed meshing videos and I was wondering if you'd ever consider making a tutorial for beginners on how to create a new mesh from scratch. (I'm trying to create a curly hair on blender but I'm stupid I guess). Thank you so much for all your work, love, Kel.

hey! thank you so much <3 I actually don’t mesh stuff from scratch though. So I’m afraid I am not able to help in that department :( I’m sorry

@tarrinix​ said: would it be possible for you to upload a mass file for download that has all of your hairs? (I'm asking for only the ones created by you so others don't miss out of credit links and things like that.)

I really wanted to get all my 2019 CC updated before the end of the year and have it up in a .zip. But I never got around do updating stuff from the start of the year. I need to get back into updating stuff I just am so.. unmotivated recently? Idk hopefully I can get all my stuff updated in the next few months and have some mass downloads for 2017, 2018, and 2019 stuff. 

@xayami​ said: any thoughts on 365? 😳

well.... im excited for B#RN. that is what matters, right? LMAO I’m going through a Weyes Blood/FKA Twigs phase rn so I haven’t been listening to much kpop. Especially at the time that 365 released.

Anonymous said: the sim modeling your piper hair can murder me and i will thank her over and over how make good sim

Anonymous said: it's not even just her it's every GODDANG MODEL!!!

LMAO Ivy is my 2nd blond model. She is a queen isn’t she? She is actually the sim from this lookbook and I just randomly added her to my models household and she stayed. 

[ranger-jedi-knight]

A New Hero ch 9

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20887313/chapters/54715003

taglist: @vixen-uchiha

So here’s the next chap!! I’m really happy u guys are enjoyin little Xan!! So this chap update wasn’t as quick, sorry. So, this update was a bit of a struggle, it took quite a few rewrites since nothing seemed to fit. But then, my shoulder and upper arm got hurt of something, idk what, all I know is that it just hurts to move it a bit. So that delayed this too. Life didn’t help, it took off days of working, but I’m doing better finally. So hopefully I won’t lose days to nothing. But anyways. A month or so has passed between this chap and the last one! Anyways, I hope u enjoy this update too!!

“Is it true that Joker uses special cards to attack people?” Alix asked looking at Xander. Xander stiffened at the question as everyone looked at him.

“Not cool Alix,” Kim said watching Mari rub a hand over Xander’s shoulder.

“What? He’s from Gotham, it’s a fair question. Come on, it’s not that bad of a question,” she argued. Xander was looking ahead blankly, his posture tense as his hands trembled.

“I-I don’t want to talk about it. Please don’t ask me,” Xander stumbled out and Mari and her friends looked at him concerned.

“Come on. It’s just a yes or no question!” Alix said leaning against her desk. “Does he or does he not?” she asked once more.

“I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. This,” he ground out, his pencil that was being held in a death grip snapped. Some of the students around them jerked when they heard the pencil break.

“What? Can’t handle thinking about one of your own villains?” Alix taunted.

“Alix, stop it,” Mari demanded.

“Not cool, dudette,” Nino said. Mari and her friends, Lila included, were all told what happened to Xander. Lila knew Xander had died and was brought back to life by a different villain. She just didn’t know how it happened except for it causing him so much pain the first few years afterward.

“Come on-” Alix started but shut up when Xander stood up and slammed his hands onto the table.

“You really wanna know!? You wanna know if that psychopath uses deadly cards!?” he shouted glaring at Alix who shrunk back, looking nervous. She didn’t respond, not wanting to see what Xander would do. “He uses deadly cards modified to be as sharp as knives. He turns fun items into deadly weapons. He kills people with them. He used those cards on me. He killed me with those damn cards! Is that what you want to hear!? To hear about how Joker kills people in front of their families with items that should be harmless!? Well, now you know! What next? Do you want proof that he did!?” he shouted and the class paled in response. They didn’t know how to react when Xander pulled his shirt collar down and they saw a faint scar going to the back of his neck. “How bout next time you don’t ask about something that someone says they don’t want to talk about! You don’t know what it means for them!” Xander shouted before running out of the room.

“Xander!” Lila shouted, arm raised toward the door that Xander ran through. She turned toward Alix and glared at her before running after Xander.

“You should have stopped when he asked Alix. He specifically asked when he arrived for you to respect his boundaries and not continue asking about something if he asks for you to not talk about it. Gotham is different than here. They don’t have a magical cure that’ll bring everyone back to safety and wipe their memories of anything horrible. They don’t get their loved ones back. They don’t forget the pain of being hurt. They remember everything. They get traumatized. And they don’t come back from the dead,” Mari said in a tone the class hasn’t heard from the sweet girl before.

“Yo-you said they don’t come back,” Alix started shakily. “But-he...but he said he died,” she finished and while the class was scared of continuing, they nodded their agreement of the confusing statements. Even Ms. Bustier who walked in right as Lila ran after Xander was confused.

“He did, but he was lucky,” Mari said. “Don’t ever ask him about it again. He’s still healing from it.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~(⊃д⊂)~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Xan!?” Lila shouted trying to find their hurting friend. Ragged breathing reached her ears. “Xan?” She followed the sound down the stairs and found Xander huddled under the staircase. His head rested on his knees while his hands tugged on his hair. His body moved with every breath he took. She kneeled down next to him and raised a hand to touch his shoulder but hesitated. “Xander, can you hear me?” she asked softly.

Xander didn’t react in any way to the question. She moved her hand toward Xander’s hand and lightly touched her fingers to the back of his hand. He froze momentarily at the touch but didn’t react badly to it. So gently, she pried the one hand out of Xander’s hair and held it in both of her hands. “It’s alright Xan, your safe,” she mumbled quietly, looking at his hand, seeing a little bit of red on his nails. “Can you tell me what’s happening?” she asked and his head shook no, but then he nodded. “Alright, take your time, ok?”

“I-” he started before stopping. He swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to focus on Lila’s hand and voice. “I can’t-I can’t stop thinking about-the-about the day I-I died,” he whispered out and she gave his hand a squeeze.

“Alix caused it to happen, didn’t she?” He nodded his head softly.

“Y-yeah. She wouldn’t listen. It-it’s still hard thinking about it. Thinking about Joker-and-and what he did. How-how much pain he caused us. He killed me on my birthday....in front of my sister, Lana. She-she took me out of the house to celebrate while Alya was at work and our parents baked. I keep feeling it. T-the pain. The fear. Still hear Lana’s cries. I-I just want-just want it to stop,” he stammered out, finally lifting his head to look at Lila as tears fell.

“I’m so sorry,” Lila said wrapping her arms around Xander and pulled him in for a hug. “She should have stopped when you first asked. Everyone could see the topic was uncomfortable for you to talk about.”

“Apparently not everyone could see it,” Xander said quietly.

“She could. But she didn’t care. She’s bullheaded and doesn’t care if something makes anyone uncomfortable,” Lila countered pulling back from the hug to look Xander in the eye. “And you know it. But this time she took it too far. We know you’re in therapy for whats happened to you in Gotham. Hopefully Mari and Ms. Bustier can get her to stop and punish her for causing an episode for you,” Lila continued and Xander nodded slowly.

“I doubt Ms. Bustier will though. We all know what she’s like,” Xander pointed out and Lila had to nod at that.

“Well, us three will go to Principal Damocles about what happened then,” Lila said with a decisive nod and smile. Xander gave a small smile at that. “First, let’s take you to the nurse to check on those scratches,” she said standing up and pulled him to his feet.

“That would be good,” Xander agreed with a rueful smile looking at his fingers that had a bit of blood on them. The two made their way to the nurse who made sure the small cuts weren’t bad and cleaned them after giving Xander some water to drink. By the time they were good, classes were out for lunch. Xander and Lila waited next to the door and waited for Mari. She made the show of being annoyed at walking with Lila as the three went to Damocles’ office.

“How are you feeling, Xan?” Mari asked.

“Better, thanks to Lila,” he answered and Mari gave Lila a nod and smile.

“I told Alix off after you left. I didn’t give them much about your death even though the asked. But they know not to ask you. I talked to Ms. Bustier and she just told Alix to listen to people’s wants next time, sadly,” Mari explained and Xander nodded at that.

“I’m not surprised. She doesn’t discipline anyone,” Xander replied which had the two nodding agreement.

“Ya, it’s ridiculous what someone could get away with, in that class,” Lila added as they reached the door leading to Damocles’ office. After hearing Damocles’ answer, they entered the office and stood in front of his desk.

“What seems to be the problem?”

“A classmate of ours kept pushing Xander to talk about a topic he specifically asked not to talk about. A sensitive one that caused him to panic. During that episode, he hurt himself,” Mari explained and Damocles nodded understanding at that.

“That’s no good. I’ll bring them in. Who did this?” Damocles leaned forward against his folded hands on top of the desk.

“Alix.” “Alright, I’ll bring her in to discuss this,” Damocles said standing up. After a few minutes, Damocles returned with Alix in tow. She sat down in the chair with a huff and crossed her arms. Xander sat in the other chair with Lila and Mari standing behind him.

“What did I do?” Alix asked side-eyeing the three of them.

“Well, you didn’t listen to Xander here when he asked you to stop, Alix. It was a sensitive topic for him and he went into a panic. You should have stopped when he asked you too,” Damocles said and Alix scowled.

“How would I have known it was sensitive? Aren’t Gothamites supposed to be so used to everything they see that they aren’t sensitive to it anymore!?” she demanded, leaning forward.

“He shouldn’t have to explain why he doesn’t want to talk about something, Alix,” Damocles answered.

“Just because we Gothamites see some horrible things doesn’t mean we’re immune to PTSD or anything else. We’re just used to it so we aren’t surprised. It’d make sense for you Parisians to not fear anything since you are lucky enough to have magical heroes that can cure you of any injury or even bring you back from the dead. We don’t. We pray that we get medical attention quickly enough. You have no right to assume something,” Xander responded tersely, looking only at Damocles who was nodding along to his point.

“To start off, I want you to apologize to Xander,” he said and Alix scowled at that.

“Come on!”

“It’s fair. Apologize to him for not listening to his request.”

“I’m sorry,” Alix said rolling her eyes as she fell back against the chair crossing her arms once more.

“Good. Now, you are going to have detention this afternoon,” Damocles said and Alix grumbled but said nothing else.

“Only today?” Lila asked and Damocles turned to her and nodded. “Why?”

“Because that’s fair for what she did,” Damocles replied sternly and Lila scowled at that. “Now, off you go.” The four left his office and Alix glared at them once more before running off toward the cafeteria.

“That’s not fair. Only one day of detention? If it’s with Ms. Bustier it won’t be detention. She’ll make it easy and Alix won’t learn,” Lila ranted and Mari placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Mari began but Lila pushed her hand off her shoulder.

“No, it isn’t. Xander deserves to know that Alix will learn from this. Not to see how he won’t get justice. He deserves better than that,” Lila said and Xander placed his hand on her shoulder.

“Lila, please. It’s ok. I’m not surprised he didn’t do much. He means well but doesn’t know what to do. Not to mention, I’m pretty sure Alix’s dad donates some money to the school,” Xander replied and Lila scowled at that.

“No, you shouldn’t be put to the side by him just because the offender’s parents donate money to the school. You shouldn’t have to accept that you won’t get the justice you deserve,” she argued and Xander nodded.

“Thank you for thinking that, Lila. But we can’t force Damocles to do anything,” Xander replied.

“Yeah, Lila. We can send an email to the board about this, but who knows if they will act upon it and investigate,” Mari added placing her hand on Lila’s shoulder once more. Lila’s hands clenched into fists as she thought about their words. She knew they were right. They were even recording Chloe pushing Damocles into doing what she wants because of who her father was. Showing that someone could make Damocles do what they want if they aren’t pleased. But she didn’t think Alix’s dad did anything for the school. She would have thought Damocles would take Xander’s side in this.

“Lila!” Xander called out watching as an Akuma flew down to her. But Lila didn’t listen, or perhaps didn’t hear him. The Akuma flew into the friendship bracelet that Xander gave her.

“Hello again, Justice. You’re angry that your friend isn’t getting the justice he deserves after being pushed into a panic attack. I can give you the power to dish out the perfect justice to the one that did it. All I ask in return is for Ladybug and Chat Noir’s miraculous,” Hawkmoth greeted as his mask formed in front of Lila’s face.

“Yes, Hawkmoth,” Lila answered while her friends looked scared for her. Xander nodded to Mari who ran off to transform as black bubbles went over Lila. Once they disappeared he saw Lila’s new look. She had on a white knee-length dress that poofed out on the skirt. Over her chest, shoulders, and upper arms was silver armor. Brown gloves covered her hands. Knee-high brown boots were covered by metal shin plates that had a second piece that covers the top of her feet. Her hair was pulled back into a braid that went over her shoulder. A blue cloak was attached to the chest piece. The hood was on her head only allowing the lower part of her face show uncovered by shadow. Her eyes were covered by a blue mask. Sheathed at her hip was a simple sword.

“Lila-” Xander started and her gaze turned to him. She raised a hand and rested it on his cheek. She felt him tense up at her touch.

“It’s Justice now. Don’t worry, Xander, I’ll bring you justice,” Lila said with a smile. She leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his cheek, he tried leaning away but she stopped him. After pressing the kiss to his cheek, she leaned back. “Good night, my knight.” When Lila said that, Xander’s vision darkened and he slumped over unconscious. She caught him with ease and set him down on the ground in safety.

After that, she looked around and went to Damocles’ office and barged in. “What on earth!” Damocles yelled watching her walk over to the desk.

“I am, Justice. And you were not just in deciding someone’s punishment.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~⊂(O.O)⊃~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mari looked around the bathroom before motioning Tikki out. “Hopefully Chat will figure out soon that there’s an Akuma,” Tikk said and Mari nodded.

“Well, the person Lila would be after is in the cafeteria with him,” Mari said and Tikki nodded at that. “Tikki, spots on!” After transforming, Ladybug ran out of the bathroom and looked around. She saw a flash of Lila entering Damocles’ office. She ran over and saw Xander asleep leaning against a wall.

She quickly checked him over before running into Damocles’ office in time to see Damocles chained to his desk unable to do anything. “Lila!” she called and the girl turned to her with a frown.

“It’s Justice now, Ladybug. Give me your miraculous,” she said and Ladybug shook her head.

“No can do, Justice. What did you do to Xander?” she asked and Justice smiled.

“Nothing bad, don’t worry. He’s just sleeping, safe from everyone,” Justice answered. “Let me pass. I need to find Alix,” she continued and Ladybug shook her head.

“I can’t let you do that. I get it, your angry, but this won’t do anything for either of you,” Ladybug said and Justice frowned.

“Alix needs to learn a lesson, Ladybug. She hurt someone. And one measly detention won’t make her learn,” Justice ground out with a glare. “If you won’t let me bring Justice, then you’re against me.” Justice raised her sword and rushed forward. Ladybug jumped back through the door away from her. She landed on the railing and looked around as she swung her yo-yo to be a shield. Justice growled when her sword bounced back from Ladybug’s ‘shield’.

Ladybug jumped away and Justice smirked. She ran toward the cafeteria and Ladybug cursed under her breath before following after her.

Adrien made a face when Justice came into the cafeteria. Nino had his phone out as Justice made her way over to the table that had Alix and the others. Ladybug came in and threw her yo-yo at Justice and it wrapped around Justice’s raised sword arm. Chat arrived and landed next to Ladybug. “What’s going on here?” he asked as Ladybug pulled her yo-yo back once Justice looked at them.

“I’m here to seek justice for my friend who was wronged. Now, give me your miraculous!” she shouted rushing at them as the other students ran out of the cafeteria.

“No can do. It’d be unjust-ice to do so,” Chat said dodging Justice’s attack. “Who needs justice?”

“My friend Xander was denied justice. Alix needs to pay,” Justice said and Chat glanced over at Ladybug.

“What!?” Alix shouted at the door and the three looked over at her with glares.

“You got out of getting a proper punishment for what you did. I’m going to give you the proper punishment that you deserve,” Justice said glaring at the girl. Alya was kneeling nearby recording the attack.

~~~~~~~~~~~One Convoluted Plan Later~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lila groaned as she gripped her head. She looked around and saw Ladybug and Chat Noir fist pump. They were in the park and she started looking around panicked. “Did I hurt anyone? Is Xander ok?” Lila asked and Ladybug kneeled down in front of Lila.

“It’s ok Lila. Everyones fine,” Ladybug answered and Lila smiled at that.

“Xander’s going to hate me,” Lila whispered and Ladybug rested a hand on Lila’s shoulder.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m sure Xander won’t hate you,” Ladybug replied softly and she looked at Ladybug hopefully.

“Really?”

“Yeah, give him a chance, he’ll surprise you I’m sure,” Ladybug said smiling and Lila nodded at that.

“Alright!” Lila said standing up and ran out of the park and to the school. Lila found Xander in the courtyard looking around nervously. “Xan!” Xander smiled when he heard Lila’s voice.

“Lila! I’m glad you’re ok,” Xander said hugging Lila. She hugged him back before pulling back and looking at the ground.

“I’m sorry about what happened,” Lila said and Xander smiled as he placed his hands on her shoulders.

“Hey, it’s ok. You wanted to help but the system was against you. Hawkmoth used that against you,” he said and Lila smiled. “Come on, let’s go play Ultimate Mecha Strike 3,” he suggested and Lila nodded agreement.

“Xander!” Mari shouted running down the stairs to the two. He waved as Mari came over to them.

“I’m fine, Mari,” Xander said and Lila gave a nod to Mari. Adrien came running out of the locker room smiling in relief. The four made their way to Mari’s and sat down in front of the TV. Xander pulled up the game as Mari got some snacks for them. After a bit, Chloe, Nino, and Kim arrived to play with them.

Ok, so this chap is ok. Sorry bout that. This chap was hard for some reason, so this probably caused it to seem rushed or not very good. But, i do hope u enjoy it! Until next time!! -Love Willa<3<3<3

[vtforpedro]

medical update and stuff. trigger warnings in tags I’m extremely frustrated. it’s been 15 months of frustration lol so so so sick of doctors, so sick of living through this. I am tired and getting no relief you might remember, but I was given a ‘possible’ IIH diagnosis in October. we’ve been treating it like it is IIH, which means everything has always been real etc etc and the treatment is weight loss. started my ‘better eating habits’ on nov 1st. then I immediately had the thing with my chemo pill packing on a ton of excess fluid, worsening my head to the point of ER and calling my neurosurgeon, getting taken off my chemo pill, and it wasn’t until mid-december that I actually started to see any fucking weight loss cause of that my pcp told me 5lbs a month. so I’ve been right on track with that despite wishing I could lose 10 a month but that’d be starving myself so lol I’ve lost 15lbs but now something exciting is happening again!! I am retaining fluid and I have NO idea why. which means my head is now as bad as it was last summer when everything was at its worse. constant all day long, pills barely doing anything for me, vision issues, pain issues. it feels like something broke in the base of my skull/neck because I get the scariest sensations there. it’s horrible. no human being should have to live this way and I do it every single day, numerous times a day anyway I had to go to the ER last thursday A G A I N because a doctor sent me. my pupils were noticeably two different sizes. I’d noticed three days beforehand and convinced myself I was imagining it cause it wasn’t a huge difference. finally took a picture and no, def not the same size and my eye looked like it was going inward? anyway, called my pcp, they had me come in that day, he saw it from a foot and a half away, sat back, and said I need you to go to the ER, you need your brain looked at. so again, I’ve been seeing this for three days while my head has been 10/10 extreme due to pressure in it. I get there and have to wait a while but less than two hours later when they finally looked at me? gone. pupils back to normal. doctor talking down to me like I was just an anxious mess and not that another dr sent me cause he saw what I did lol and his notes were in my chart. so, wasted visit and they put a covid patient 15ft from me and intubated them, so get to remember what that sounds like forever and ever (covid patients are supposed to be separated from other ER patients). now I’m doing a 10 day quarantine while I am so severely disabled I cannot bend over to take care of my cats food/litter/etc and it’s why my mom half lives with me but she can’t right now :) getting a covid test in three hours and it’s been eight days with nothing but head issues + fluid retention so hoping it’s negative the fluid retention I had before was a side effect of my chemo pill. I don’t know why this is happening. I should be 17lbs down now and I’ve actually gained weight despite being on the same diet that lost me the 15. I’m back to 13lbs down. this makes me feel like I might be carrying 4lbs of water weight. let me break this down because yesterday a PA told me my symptoms were too ‘ambiguous’ to say if fluid retention is happening or not - fluid retention from the chemo pill was ALL felt in my stomach. it was distended and bloated like I’d eaten at a buffet every single day - head got massively worse, enough to go to the er, doc and I agreed the fluid retention causing me to fluctuate between 15lbs was making the IIH worse - not urinating often despite drinking a normal amount - got on a diuretic, seven days later the weight was gone, head was better, started losing weight this is what I’m experiencing now - fluid retention that is causing my stomach to feel very bloated and look/feel distended - head has gotten massively worse, enough to send me to the ER - should be losing weight, have actually gained weight on a low fat, low calorie diet - the only difference this time is that I am dehydrating myself (yes I know, bad, but it is literally saving my life) because I experimented one day with half my water intake and my head was miles better. still experiencing a terrible head episode once or twice a day but it’s not 10/10 constantly - and the second difference is despite not drinking enough water, I am actually urinating more often and it’s a lot more clear than it should be, the color I expect when I’m hydrating well I consider this ^^^^^ to be a good case of why I think I have fluid retention but being told my symptoms were ‘ambiguous’ and throwing me to my neurosurgeon instead is HNNNNG (esp because diuretics are known to help IIH symptoms FOR THIS EXACT REASON) I have VERY recently had my sugars checked a few times, glucose is normal. VERY recently had an abdominal CT, also normal. it’s not diabetes, it’s not something happening in my abdomen. they hear abdomen vs legs swelling and think it’s GI because doctors never fucking listen and actively put their patients in danger but o h w e l l, I guess anyway as it’s been for 15 months, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. I go this way and experience agony, I go that way and experience agony I need extra hydration for weight loss, leukemia, being obese. I need less hydration because it worsens IIH to the point of 10/10 I want to die (which makes me heavily and actively suicidal. doctors see I take anti-depressants and assume idk I’m being dramatic but no, it’s really this fucking bad. I would rather die that moment than keep feeling what’s happening in my head) there’s like no middle ground and my body and these doctors are making it impossible to figure this shit out. my mom had to come over at 1:45 AM last night (hasn’t had to rush here since april 2020 cause that’s just how bad it is) because I lost my balance twice and was lucky I had something to catch onto or I would’ve been on the ground (neuro symptoms which could be IIH, could be chiari, could be stroke) and my speech got SUPER bad almost immediately. scared the hell out of me, I have never in my life lost balance that badly before things are going downhill and I would’ve thought losing weight they’d start improving but when has my body ever made this easy lol meeting a new neurologist on monday who works in the same building with my neurosurgeon. I’ve been avoiding them cause every single one of them told me I was just anxious despite specific physical movements causing an episode lmao but hopefully this guy is better and he has access to all of my neurosurgeon’s notes and stuff. I can’t keep dehydrating myself but at the same time I can’t let my head get so bad I make a farewell note for my mom, you know? it’s just been really bad and I don’t know how to get people to listen to me. I have a 99% diagnosis and they still don’t take me as seriously as they should. this has ruined my quality of life and they would have you believe that doctors take that seriously but they do not neurosurgeon wants me to see an ophthalmologist again cause of my vision issues and to check for specific things that relate to IIH. he wants another MRI done in early may cause it’s been a year since my last one by then (actually a month later, my last one was in april, but I’m curious if the neurologist will order one sooner) to check to see if anything has worsened so yeah living in absolute hell again and don’t know if I can just get a simple one week diuretic to get this fluid out of my body. what the FUCK else can it be when I’ve experienced this exact thing twice!! before. it happened to a much, much lesser degree the first time I got on the chemo pill. but the same shit :) hanging on by the thinnest thread guys and 15 months of feeling like I’m going to die almost every single day through that has destroyed my psyche. destroyed me as a person. I don’t know what to do anymore sorry this is all a lot of Bad™ but it’s been a lot of bad for 15 months. if I can keep going, I hope one day to be able to give an update of improvement love you all