#if i hated it then you failed

[notsp1derman]

an unimpressed review of saltburn, directed by emerald fennell

[may contain spoilers]

All my friends know that I'm a stubborn little shit that will watch all the new and hyped stuff only MONTHS after everyone stopped talking about it. So to everyone's surprise, especially mine, I watched Saltburn just weeks after its release.

My boyfriend and I decided to do a double feature of Call Me By Your Name and Saltburn, because people kept comparing the two of them, and to those people I say: WHAT THE FUCK? Do you even have a single braincell between all of you? Saltburn actually made me realize how immature my first opinion of cmbyn was, because you can't just take one or two questionable sex scenes in a beautiful queer coming of age movie and compare it to whatever the fuck Saltburn is. I'm dead serious.

This film was tailored to be edited into aesthetic tik toks from people thirsting over Jacob Elordi, which is understandable I guess, and to make all the boring average people of the world SCANDALIZED by o b s c e n i t i e s in this weird wave of exaggerated purity we're having. Then Fennel slapped some stereotypical and dull social commentary right at the end and tried to make it look purposeful, as if it's not just a fetishization of the bourgeoisie and old money.

That's the short version. The long-ish version is that this movie had so much potential, and I'm shocked to see that it was mostly wasted till the end. I'm not kidding when I say that the only thing keeping this afloat is the cast, and they're far from the best jobs of the main actors, despite them all being great at their jobs. Jacob Elordi is the only one not completely stereotypical, Barry Keoghan has only one facial expression, and I don't really care for the rest. At least Rosamund Pike is having a blast. The queen that she is.

The plot looks promising until you basically figure the rest of the movie barely after arriving at Saltburn, and then have to plough your way through montages of rich people Being Cool and Loving Being Rich. It baffles me how we end up feeling pity for them instead of the psycho main character, even though the plot screams at you to take him seriously. Dude, you can't have it all in one film ok? Sometimes you have to choose between a tour-de-force with a weird as fuck main character that is pure entertainment OR a social commentary on the rich with a realistic approach to nuanced themes. Saltburn tries to be both and fails miserably, a little baby bird that flew (not that high, but to some distance) only to fall down in the end. At least the last song is a banger to make up for it.

The rest of saltburn isn't nearly as groundbreaking as it seems, and its use of aesthetics to paint the rich in an elegant and aristocratic light does a great job of obliterating the very same "eat the rich" commentary it tries to shove at us at the end. Instead of the very much real and terrible financial inequalities and its consequences, we get the most unoriginal "look, money doesn't make them happy!1! they're human after all!!1" plot, and oliver just looks like an unhinged dude that's really jealous of the lavish lifestyle of the rich.

So no, thanks, I'll be leaving this film for the 14 year olds on here to thirst over jacob elordi. have fun kids.

★★☆☆☆

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I've never been more normal in my life.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[bixels]

tarpit site.

[papanowo]

get a grip loverboy !!!

[uncanny-tranny]

I recently had to do a project in one of my psych classes, and man, I knew that CBT was used for every little thing, but seeing over and over, "do CBT! CBT is the best for every mental illness!" was so jarring. I'm absolutely biased because of my own experiences, but I just don't think it's as universal a treatment model as it's touted.

If you didn't benefit from CBT, it's not because you're lazy or didn't try hard enough or lacked intelligence or foresight into your own needs. Frankly, it's a therapy model that (I think) shouldn't be the only readily-accessible model and among the only therapy models covered by insurance. Some of us should not be treated in a CBT model and that's okay. It's not a sign of poor character or unreasonable demands, and if you don't think it's a model that works for you, then it's your right to express that!

[iztea]

but heroes often fail

[kvtnisseverdeen]

The world is not what we though it was. This war is just the beginning. Winter is coming with darkness and doom.

HOUSE OF THE DRAGON | 2.08 "The Queen Who Never Was"

[thechekhov]

Fuck it, silly poll time. What is your most hated face emoji? The one you wish you could stop people from using forever?

Bonus Challenge: Don't get ACTUALLY upset at people over emojis. 🙂

[mysteryfeesh]

Guys they all have two hands. No guys hear me out-

[exodusin]

♱ — 𝖌𝖆𝖗𝖉𝖊𝖓𝖘 𝖎𝖓 𝖍𝖊𝖗 𝖍𝖆𝖎𝖗 𖤐 bill cipher x mermaid!reader ; triangle bill only in this blog, no twinkifacation of the nation, bill is an ass but we love him the way he is. Bill is obsessed with you in his own way, bill calls reader ‘Bubbles’

* ੈ✩‧₊˚

You swam gracefully through the clear, turquoise waters, your (favorite color) tail shimmering as you moved. Reaching the surface, you rested on a large boulder, gazing out at the gentle waves as the cool wind caressed your wet skin and hair.

Suddenly, you felt a starfish being placed a the side of your your hair, followed by a familiar maniacal laugh.

"Well, well, what do we have here? A perfect complement to my little tuna!"

Bill Cipher, your mischievous boyfriend, hovered beside you, his single eye gleaming with amusement.

"Bill, leave Astronomy alone," you groan, gently removing the starfish, Astronomy, from your hair and returning it to the water.

"Aw, come on, don't be like that, bubbles," Bill said, snapping his fingers. A hairbrush appeared, and he began to untangle the knots in your hair. "This wild mane of yours needs some taming, don't you think?"

"Ow!" you yelped, wincing as he worked through a particularly stubborn tangle. "Is it really that bad?"

Bill chuckled, his eye crinkling with mirth. "That bad? It's downright terrible! But not to worry, your handsome boyfriend will fix it up in no time."

You tensed as you heard the snip of scissors, quickly turning your head to stop him. "Oh, no, you don't! That's not happening!"

Diving back into the water, you swam away, but Bill's magic quickly pulled you back to the boulder.

"Aw, come on, my sweet bubbles," he said, rubbing your head. "It's just a little hair. You know I have the power to make it grow back, good as new."

Before you could protest, Bill swiftly cut off the tangled chunk, and you cringed at the uneven layers. But in a blink, the hair magically grew back, looking as beautiful as it had been before.

"They’re, all better," Bill said, a satisfied ‘smile’ on his ‘face’ or triangle body. He then began to style your hair, carefully placing pearls, magnolias, and small seashells throughout the strands.

"Look at you, my lovely little mermaid," he said, admiring his handiwork. "Everyone, give me a round of applause for my work for making the beautiful (name)’s hair unknotted!"

With a wave of his hand, Bill summoned nearby fish and dolphins, using his magic to bring them out of the water and have them praise him.

"Bill, wait!" you exclaimed. "They can't breathe out of the water!"

Bill groaned and released the creatures, who quickly swam back to the safety of the ocean.

"Ah, yes, the good old mermaid concern," Bill said, his eye rolling as he placed his hands on his ‘hips’. "But remember that time you bit that dolphin's tail? Priceless!"

You smirked, remembering the incident. "He tasted funny, but hon, you can't do that. Sea creatures can't breathe air."

"Then you must be a sea goddess, my dear," Bill said, his eyelid forming into lips as he began to shower your hand and arm with kisses, working his way up to your hair. "Because you can breathe both air and water."

You smiled and blushed, reveling in his affectionate gestures. "What are you doing, hon?"

"Worshipping you, of course," Bill replied, his tone playful yet sincere. "What else?"

As you sighed in bliss, unaware, Bill secretly collected a strand of your hair, along with a piece of your gill and a piece of jewelry you had "lost." He would treasure these mementos, keeping them safe in a special book, where he could indulge in their magical scent whenever he was alone.

[nibbelraz]

Warning! Warning! Character No longer Exists!

[quixoticanarchy]

i always want to message ppl like "hii i am thinking about you & i adore you" but i never rly understood the social rules of engagement and i live in fear of secretly breaking them. so i won't tell you this but i do think of you and i do adore you, probably 7x more than i express

[jessmalia]

Mal's Avatar: The Last Airbender rewatch: The beach 3.05

[the-paris-of-people]

Also it's fucked up to yell at members of marginalized communities for acting within the two party system and not burning it all down when you don't have a plan. People are not your fucking sacrificial lambs to skewer and roast on a stick

[sergle]

yall are about to piss me off by not having any PASSING basic knowledge of the way the u.s. military manipulates its recruits into joining by typing up one of your uninformed, unresearched, unempathetic, individualistic, unbelievably annoying posts about how 100% of the people in the military ended up there because they just Love America So Damn Much! they're extremely mature and informed at time of recruitment, they can totally leave anytime they want, they totally had tons of other avenues in life they could've taken, there was no rush at all to get income as fast as possible, and everyone in the military also totally is part of the combat divisions and personally enjoys being IN the military very much, big believers of violence. everyone in the military is shooting guns all day, that's how that works. they LOVE BLOODSHED. also I love the "amewicans haha" twang to this type of shit because you're actually TOTALLY stealing our Thing, which is turning systemic issues into Individual Issues. Instead of talking about the powers that be, it's so Personal Choice up in here. It's, "well you shouldn't have done it then. I totally wouldn't because I know better." you don't wanna talk about the military industrial complex as a whole, and you don't want to talk about recruiters, you just want to pin the blame on Specific Individual People one-by-one, as if they're responsible for the system that they're being ground up in. someone was in the military? bad person, no matter what. it's easier to believe that, I guess, than to acknowledge that Normal People (with high school educations) are manipulated and incentivized into joining a system that is Bad. at like age 18. but yeah no that 18 year old should have just been smarter lol haha anyway here are some screenshots for no particular reason

side note this reply of someone going "umm just get loans and go into a high paying field it's easy XD" as a direct response to someone trying to explain how most americans joining the military are being funneled in that direction out of a need for money.

and another person who Decided that americans join the military just CLENCHING their teeth thinking of other people, and not thinking completely selfishly about their own selves and their own income/housing/healthcare.

[morballs]

hi gore warning but my bitchass dog