#if i wasn't so sure that my style could up and change in between Id make it a comic thing instead of a fic

[tavtarnish]

Rugby Au that I've been chattering about

This looks way better on mobile icl

[bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls]

so i would like some advice if you can please.

I am submissive and i don't have much experience i'm 19 And I met a DOM on the internet we live in neighboring cities We had 2 dates in the two we had sex And all the domination was very good I had never done anal and we used plugs and stuff.

On the second date he wanted more anal than fucking my pussy But he wanted it in doggy style which hurt a lot I said I was hurting a lot and we changed to other positions and other things .

Today we talked about a possible next meeting I said I didn't like anal In doggy and that he preferred in other positions and he told me that I was trying to command the scene and It wasn't me who had to decide the positions and stuff But I was communicating because it really hurt more than bearable And he told me that next time he would make it stronger and if I was at my limit I was supposed to say my safeword.

But I don't feel safe to push myself to the limit of something new and we had this discussion for almost 2 hours and he wanted me to put a plug in the middle of the discussion for him to see I just want to make sure he's not right.Because I read a lot and saw a lot and I don't know I got weird after this conversation I don't know if I trust him anymore.

I know it's long I'm sorry didn't know who to ask Thank you very much

And I'm sorry if something is spelled wrong English is not my first language

 Kiddo, when you tell a man “that hurts” and he replies with “stop bossing me around!”, it should conjure a series of thoughts:

He’s not really listening.

He may actually be twelve years old… check his ID.

Someone who can’t tell the difference between feedback and usurpation isn’t going to respond gracefully to your use of a safeword.

He seems supremely confident in his understanding of what you can take, and dismissive of your self-assessment. But what, pray tell, is his basis for this confidence? Is it his deep understanding of you as an individual, or is it his erection?

Generally, when someone acts weirdly defensive, ask yourself what he’s defending. And in this particular case, ask how your ouchy butthole could ever be a threat.

If you’re not sure you trust him, you shouldn’t meet him again until you are.

You should be able to bring all of this up to him and receive a nuanced, adult response that explains more than it obfuscates, without worrying that he’s going to lose his shit or try to deflect. Don’t put someone in charge of you if he can’t articulate why he should be in charge.

As for your own communication skills, I admire any non-native speaker who can communicate at all in English. Good job.

[emilee-has-legs]

that one really cool sim tag thats been going around.

wasn't tagged by anyone in particular, but @loafysims and @ravensccfindss both mentioned me in this tag recently so i thought i'd give it a shot. also my need for attention is a bottomless pit so.

1.) What’s your favourite sims death?

honestly, the classic, putting a sim in a pool and then taking out the ladder. theres no common sense to the action it's just genuinely so funny.

2.) Alpha CC or Maxis Match? 

technically im maxis mix, but i tend to lean very hard to maxis match clothing.

3.) Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

no not really. if i want them to loose weight i'll have them work out

4.) Do you use move objects?

if you dont use moveobjects, i think legally we can consider you clinically insane.

5.) Favorite mod?

this is so hard... ummmmm, probably like better build buy. i spend a good amount of time in build mode and use debug/live edit objects a ton when i build, so it's pretty useful.

6.) First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

i think it was get to work, i even bought it in a physical case thingy and i still have it lying around somewhere. (as well as seasons.)

7.) Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing?

LIVE mode.

8.) Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

you're asking me to pick a favorite? out of all my children?? i honestly can't pick a favorite, but here's layla, and i love her.

9.) Have you made a simself?

yeah, i've tried on multiple occasions, but none of them have ever really captured my essence all that well. eventually i gave up and just started using my mascot sim, Nellie, for my quote-on-quote "branding"

10.) What sim traits do you give yourself?

im gonna go ahead and give myself five traits assuming we all have the "more traits in cas" mod:

creative, goofball, loves-outdoors, squeamish, foodie.

11.) Which is your favorite EA hair color?

the darkest brown swatch is my go-to.

12.) Favorite EA hair?

ima be so real rn i dont use EA hairs at all.

13.) Favorite life stage?

young adult. might be biased because that's around my age-frame

14.) Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

builder. i have the most fun in either buildmode or cas.

15.) Are you a CC creator?

not offically, but i've converted defaults and skin details for personal use before, and i've even released some load screens.

16.) Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad?

yeah baby, check these amazing people out.

@loafysims

@inspiredsimmercc

@pikaburr

@rhdweauni0

@dizzyscabiosa

@ravensccfindss

@gabrielle-kl

@nihilismtrcit

17.) What’s your favorite game?

i cant decide, it's between the sims, halo 3, minecraft, stardew valley, and splatoon. i want to play zelda: tears of the kingdom as well, but its just not in the budget rn sadly.

18.) Do you have any sims merch?

no.

19.) Do you have a YouTube for sims?

yeah actually, if you can ignore my 13 y.o sounding voice, check me out

20.) How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?

omg so much. here are some side by side comparisons of my different eras/progression.

(its the way the first sim looks like she could be a trademarked lego piece that gets me)

21.) What’s your Origin ID?

pretty sure its just emilee-has-legs. i have a couple of builds on the gallery if you wanna check me out, i just never posted them on here because that was before my simblr era.

22.) Who’s your favorite CC creator?

dogsill, softerhaze, greenlamas, ceeproductions, sentate, serenity and simstrouble take the cake for me

23.) How long have you had a simbIr?

i've had my blog for a minute but i only became an active simblr like a couple months ago.

24.) How do you edit your pictures?

i dont really edit except for a few touchups in picsart, and also srwe.

26.) What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next?

probably get together, never got around to purchasing that pack and there's a couple things i want from the ep.

tagging: anyone who wants to have some fun. it was nice to chill on call with friends and fill this out. cya besties ily.

[sidemari]

HEY UH IM CIA AND IM ASKING FOR A SPECIAL ONE-SHOT REQUEST IF ITS NOT TOO FULL. CAN YOU UH DO IT WITH AETHER??

for my personality id say that im pretty quiet at first, especially around like really loud people but when im comfortable around you im the loud one. im really jumpy sort of and hyperactive so i would probably be really good at fighting. i also have a soft spot for kids so yeah!!

for the one-shot im realllly in need of comfort so like a sweet one-shot of us like cuddling somewhere and like being lovey dovey cause im really sad :thumbs_up:

• Special One-Shot •

Characters included: Aether x GN!Reader (Cia)

Author's notes: Hi! I hope you enjoy this work. I didn't put any tags, since this text is yours only. Enjoy, my dear 🌱

The gentle and warm breeze of the afternoon made you feel even cozier as you had your hair carefully brushed by your lover Aether.

Sleepiness made your body feel soft and all you craved that moment was resting by his side in that peaceful landscape.

"Hey Cia, do you want me to style your hair someway?"

"Do whatever you have in mind, I'll gladly accept it" So his fingers moved between the hair strains, slowly making a delicate hairstyle.

"Just a little touch..." He said, gathering a Windwheel Aster near by and gently putting it into your hair. "There! You look angelic"

You smiled, brushing your fingers against his hand as a way to show affection.

"Do you want me to brush your hair, Aether?" You asked softly.

"Me? Oh no, don't worry about me! This is all for you, okay? Here, lay down. I made sure it's comfortable enough for you"

And so you did.

And it felt amazing.

You left your body relax as the sun rays started to fade away.

The scent of Sunsettia was in the air as your boyfriend hugged you from behind, his hand caressing your own.

"You know... I may have suffered a lot in this world and I may don't belong here. But at least I found you, Cia. And by just finding you, my journey was worth it"

You were glad he couldn't see your pink cheeks of pure happiness.

Suddenly, you felt the urge to cry in joy.

Aether was always so lovely with you.

Always treating you just like the way you deserved.

He was there during the great and awful times. And that said a lot.

Aether never left you aside. You were and still are his priority and he made sure you knew how much he admired you.

You were lost in thought when you heard your lover's voice.

"I want to have a future with you. I don't see myself without you on my life"

You changed positions to face him.

"Aether... Really?"

"My life has only a meaning with you, Cia"

"You're always so caring towards me... Am I truly deserving of this love?"

"Look at me, hey" His hands caressed your cheek. "I love you so much, Cia" It wah hard keep staring at his golden eyes, so pulling his body even closer to your, you hid your face against his neck.

"I love you too, Aether. You're my everything"

And you both kept cuddling until you fell asleep hearing his soft humming.

Your boyfriend wanted to wake you up so you could go home after spending the afternoon at the wild, but it wasn't so late. He couldn't help but just keep staring at how precious you looked. How fragile you seemed as you rested, with one of your hands holding his wrist.

"You're so cute" Aether whispered.

Destiny had made you both met.

And destiny had prepared a pure and lovely future for the both of you to discover together.

Looking at the sky as he held your hand more properly, the blonde man mumbled words of gratitude to the stars, before looking down again to see his lover in a soft slumber.

[yunkiwii]

tattoos together | college au

Pairing: FWB!Seonghwa x Fem!Reader

Genre: Fluff დ

Warnings: slightly suggestive, drinking, language

Word Count: ~3k

Requested: no, but you can see how to do so here if you’d like!

A/N: I recommend listening to tattoos together by lauv, since this is based on that song. ♡

Summary: (y/n) met Seonghwa in college and they quickly became close, ending up as friends with benefits. On a night out with some friends both of them ended up drinking a bit to much and well, I think we all know where this is going.

⇘

“Whereee shouuuuld weee go next?” (y/n) asked, loudly, as she grabbed Seonghwa’s arm so she wouldn’t fall, being tipsy from all the wine she had been drinking with her friends at dinner.

“You should probably head back home before you hurt yourself or someone else.”

“Don’t be a mood killer, sweetie!” (y/n) groaned back to Mia, pointing a finger to her way too sober roommate and best friend. "We still have a long long night ahead of us!" (y/n) stumbles making Seonghwa hold her closer to him.

Seonghwa wasn't nearly as drunk as (y/n), just tipsy enough to go on board with her crazy plans without thinking twice.

"So, let’s go find a party to crash!" the boy started walking away from his friends dragging a smiley faced (y/n) with him, both clearly more intoxicated than the rest of the group.

They hadn’t gone far, mainly because of how slow their feet were moving, when Hongjoong intervened.“Guys! Wait up!” they stumbled on their own feet when turning around to look at their friend. Their two friends were already approaching them. “Do you guys really think it is a good idea to just wander around like that?”

“YES!” both stated firmly at the same time before bursting into laughter.

“Well, I’m not in the mood and since you’re both adults you can take good care of yourselves.” Mia shrugged her shoulders and was about to leave when she remembered something else, “Please be quiet when you get home, and be safe.” She threw a warning look at Seonghwa when saying the last words. She knew how crazy her best friend could get with a couple of drinks and a party, and Seonghwa had a strong effect upon (y/n) that Mia never understood, and she only hoped he would use it for (y/n)’s sake.

“I’ll take you home, Mia. See you tomorrow guys.” Hongjoong did a little run to catch up to the girl. The other two friends bursted into laughter again when they saw Hongjoong place an arm around Mia’s shoulder.

“Now we know why they wanted to go home so badly…”

“Oh Seonghwa, they’re not like us. They will probably just cuddle for now. Let’s go!” (y/n) grabbed the boy’s hand and started her demand to find a party again.

“What do you mean they’re not likes us? We also cuddle!” (y/n) giggled at how offended Seonghwa sounded.

“Hm you know, they want a real relationship, we’re just friends having fun. Besides, our cuddles are never just cuddling.” She said it like it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t really think much of it. Seonghwa on the other hand got hurt, he didn’t quite understand why though. They agreed from the very start that this was a casual friends with benefits kind of thing, nothing more.

He shook these thoughts out of his head, thinking perhaps it was just the alcohol speaking.

In the meantime (y/n) uploaded a story of them on Instagram asking if there were any parties they could crash. That story led them to a new club that had opened recently, making (y/n) almost run there out of excitement. This was her first night out in two months, after being trapped between her room and the library to study for exams. Now she was finally free and wanted to live it to the fullest, Seonghwa not minding at all to join in.

Unfortunately, the excitement soon turns into disappointment. They get to the club, ID’s in hand, bodies already moving to the muffled beat leaving the building, but the security guard stops them from going any further. They look at each other and back at the big, buffy man, that blocked the entrance with his arm, with confused looks. They had already showed their ID’s, it didn’t make sense.

Then, the guard pointed at (y/n)’s clothes. She was wearing black shorts, fishnet tights, combat boots and the piece of clothing that seemed to be the problem, an oversized boyfriend style t-shirt.

“You can’t come in with boy’s clothes.” The big man stated, without an ounce of emotion in his voice.

“WHAT?” (y/n)’s posture changed completely; a defiant look marked all over her face, “That doesn’t make any sense! These aren’t boy’s clothes; these are MY CLOTHES! And even if they were boy’s clothes, we live in a free country, I can wear whatever I want!”

“Then go wear whatever you want somewhere else. You can’t come in like that, it’s the club’s policy.”

“Fuck the club’s policy! That’s so unethical what the hell?! I can’t believe people were recommending me this shit hole!” (y/n) screamed into the guard’s face, pointing fingers, waving arms and when she was finished, she spat on his shoes. Yes, she spat. Seonghwa grabbed her hand immediately pulling her out of there before they got into trouble, and ran away into nowhere, just wanting to get away.

“I’ll make sure to fill a complaint later.” Seonghwa stated after catching his breath from the unplanned cardio. “Also, I think this run sobered me.”

“I can’t believe that wearing oversized clothes is breaking club’s policy, what the hell?” (y/n) sat on the sidewalk still annoyed with the situation. “I’ve would’ve spat on his face if he weren’t to be that freaking huge.” Seonghwa laughed loudly sitting down next to her, making her laugh as well. “Thank you for pulling me out, he could probably smash me with one hand.”

“That’s what I’m here for (y/n), Mia delegated me the job when she decided to go home. But I got to say, you scare me sometimes.” He bumped his shoulder on hers lightly, making her look up at him smiling. “What should we do now? Go home?”

“I guess... the night is ruined anyway, and I also think the run sobered me.” (y/n) chuckled, leaning her head to rest on the boy’s shoulder. This simple gesture almost made Seonghwa forget how to breathe, starting to feel funny things in his stomach. He remained as still and quiet as possible, afraid that even the slightest movement would make her stand up and break the contact.

They stayed like that for a while, still recovering from the run. Until (y/n) noticed something right in front of them that made her stand up with a sudden movement, startling Seonghwa. She widened her eyes and looked down at her friend, as happy as a kid opening Christmas’ presents.

“What?”

“This night can still be memorable! I’m a genius!” she started crossing the road, stopping in the middle to look at her friend, still standing up from the sidewalk. “Come one! Hurry up!”

Seonghwa could not believe how a person could change their mood that fast. A few moments ago, she was pouty, annoyed, angry, and just wanted to go home. But now, she looks like a child and is ready for a new adventure as if nothing had happened before. He did love that about her. Love? Wait, no what? He liked her, liked, as a friend. He was sure of it. Or was he?

“How?”

“How what?”

“How are you going to make this night memorable?” that question made her smile even wider, grabbing his hand for what seemed to be the hundredth time that night, dragging him to a small shop with a neon light sign. As soon as Seonghwa realised what it was he stepped back.

“No, (y/n), no way you’re getting a tattoo here!” his face expression was shock, and nothing else.

“No, I am not. We are!”

“What do you even know about this place? Is it even hygienic?” Seonghwa glanced over the tattoo shop with disgust.

“I don’t know,” (y/n) shrugged her shoulders, “but we should get inside and find out.” She stepped in without a care in the world, a little bell rang when she opened the door.

Seonghwa walked behind her looking around, analysing every small detail searching for any red flags that would tell him to get the hell out of there. So far, everything seemed nice, it was organized, the store overall seemed clean, and the tattoo drafts hung upon the walls were actually aesthetically pleasing.

“This doesn’t look so bad… but what kind of tattoo shop is opened until this late at night?” The boy wasn’t yet convinced, and (y/n) knew it would take him a while, being as cautious as he is.

“Stop being so septic about everything, Hwa!”

“May I help you?” a voice coming from behind them made (y/n) jump. A tall woman came out of the side door, probably leading to where the tattoos were made, and greeted them with a smile. “Sorry if I startled you, love.”

“Oh, hm, we want to get tattoos! Together!” Seonghwa glanced over at (y/n) wondering why she was being so weird and flustered all of a sudden, so lost looking at her that he didn’t even corrected the together part. But he went back to reality when the woman spoke again.

“So, you want matching tattoos?”

“NO! We don’t, I don’t, I haven’t agreed to this yet! (y/n), a word please?”

“We’ll be right back!” (y/n) said all smiley to the woman, who smiled back at her while she was basically being dragged to the outside again. “What the hell Hwa? You could’ve been nicer back there!”

“You are all heart eyed looking at that tattoo artist!”

“So what? … are you jealous Hwa?”, (y/n) smirked, tilting her head sweetly, pleased with how annoyed the boy looked about the situation.

“What? No! I don’t have any reason to be jealous, this,” he pointed between them,” this isn’t a relationship, so no, I’m not jealous. You wish. And don’t give me that look!”

“You look cute when you get nervous, Hwa.”

“Shut up, let’s just go home!” he said as he started to walk away, but (y/n) was stubborn and wouldn’t leave without a tattoo so she stood in front of him so he wouldn’t go any further.

“We haven’t gotten our tattoos yet. And I really want a tattoo on my thigh and I really want to do it with you!”, she pointed her index at him touching his chest slightly.

“Why though?”

“Because I don’t have any thigh tattoo yet, duh..”

“And you should get one, there’s plenty of space for it.” He smirked glancing at (y/n)’s thick thighs, getting a soft punch on his shoulder as a response. “But why with me? Do I really have to make one too?”

“Yes! I really want us to have something ours, I have one with Mia as well and you’re my only other best friend and I don’t want to lose you.”

“And how will a tattoo help you with that, huh?” he crossed his arms looking down at (y/n) with furrowed eyebrows.

“When I get mad at Mia for some reason and I want to hate her, I look at the tattoo we made together and it just brings back all the good stuff and I know everything will be okay, because at the end of the day we still love each other and that won’t change over a stupid fight.” The girl gets embarrassed as soon as she realises that she just shared something that until now was only hers, making her look down at her feet. “You probably think it’s silly and that’s okay, we won’t do it if you don’t want to.” Voice quieter than before, barely audible but Seonghwa heard her just fine.

“Okay, let’s get thigh tattoos. Together.”

(y/n)’s eyes widened at the statement, and the looks of happiness and excitement of before came back to life again, making Seonghwa laugh at how adorable his friend looked.

“Really? Thank you so much Hwa!!!” she hugged his torso so tightly that he almost went out of breath.

“I have one condition though. To make it more fun, you know?” (y/n) nodded, indicating him to proceed, “I pick a design for you and you one for me, and we can only see it after it is already tattooed on our skin. What do you say?”

“Uhhh that does sound like fun! But don’t make it too big nor too dark, please!” he nodded in agreement and they went back inside to pick the said designs.

They shared their idea with the tattoo artist, who got really excited about it and took them, one at the time, into the other room to discuss their ideas and bring them to life. (y/n) picked a woman’s body silhouette, besides looking really cool it just made sense since their friendship started as something more physical than emotional. Seonghwa on the other hand chose a minimalist alien, it reminded him of when they first met and (y/n) couldn’t pronounce his name correctly and would just call him alien face, he also asked the tattoo artist to make it face her so she wouldn’t have to look into a mirror to see it properly.

(y/n) went in first to get her right thigh tattooed, so excited that she didn’t bother to take off her clothes, simply ripping her tights in the spot she wanted the tattoo.

“Hm ok, that was hot!” Seonghwa said softly, trying to control himself avoiding looking at (y/n)’s now more exposed thigh.

“Keep it in your pants, Mr. Park.” (y/n) laughed as she laid down to finally get the tattoo her dear friend picked, getting more and more anxious as the moment approached while Luna got her supplies ready. Seonghwa then pulled a chair to sit next to her and keep her distracted so she wouldn’t try to peak.

After a while, (y/n) stopped feeling the needle puncturing her skin and looked up at Luna, eyes wondering if it was already done. The other woman nodded, and she immediately stood up to see the result, a high pitch squeak leaving her lips as soon as she saw an alien facing her.

“Hwa!! I have your face on my thigh!!” her eyes wide, looking between her leg and her friend, a huge smile on her face and eyes almost tearing up at how happy she was. “I love it, I love it, I love it!” she wrapped her arms around the boy’s neck and gave him a kiss on his left cheek, squeezing him against her and holding him there for a few seconds before pulling away. “Now it’s your turn! Go, go!”

Seonghwa got up right away and started to take his pants off, making (y/n) look away.

“Please (y/n), as if you’ve never seen me naked!” he chuckled throwing his pants at her as soon as got them completely off, catching her off guard making her laugh.

They repeated the same process, now with (y/n) seated in the chair keeping Seonghwa distracted by making terrible puns and dad jokes. The needle puncturing his skin stang a bit but, just like (y/n), he already had a few tattoos, so he got used to it quickly. When Luna finished the second tattoo of this iconic duo, as she started to call them, Seonghwa couldn’t help but laugh at (y/n)’s choice.

“This will certainly remind me of you and make me hate you a little less if it comes to that.” He chuckled making (y/n) blush a bit without him noticing. “Thank you for talking me into this, it’s a memorable night for sure.” And kissed her cheek, not as roughly as she did to him, it was a soft kiss, his lips barely touching her skin, and yet it was enough to make her even more flustered, awakening funny feelings in her tummy.

After spending all that money on the tattoos, they decided it would be best for their bank accounts to walk home instead of getting an uber, making their way across town to (y/n) and Mia’s apartment in a slow pace, most of the way made in silence for they were too tired and sleepy, needing to channel all their remain energy towards their legs to be able to walk.

As they were approaching (y/n)’s building their pace slowed down, stopping right in front of the pathway, the girl already looking for the keys in her messy bag while walking towards the front door.

“See you tomorrow (y/n)” he says as they reach the door, (y/n) with the keys in hand already opening the door, and he places a kiss on her forehead not breaking the contact right away. (y/n) didn’t say anything until he was already halfway the pathway.

“Hwa, wait.”

“Huh?” the boy turned around, standing near the sidewalk.

“Why don’t you stay for the night?” she asked almost in a whisper, but Seonghwa heard it anyway and took a few steps closer to her.

“Oh (y/n), I would but I’m really tired and-”

“Just for cuddles, Hwa…” she tried to keep her eyes in his but the vulnerability her request showed made her instinctually look down at her feet.

“Just cuddles? Are you sure?” Seonghwa couldn’t hide his amusement, since (y/n) always made it clear that to her the benefits part of their friendship should be associated with sex at all times because, according to her, getting emotional and cuddle just for the sake of cuddling would turn this into a real and serious relationship, even though the boy tried to convince her otherwise multiple times.

“Shut up and get in before I change my mind.”

They went up to the apartment as quietly as possible, making their way to (y/n)’s bedroom right away and changing into more comfortable clothing, which to Seonghwa meant underwear and nothing more.

He laid on his back wrapping an arm around (y/n)’s shoulders as she laid her head onto his chest, embracing his torso and putting one leg over his. It was comfortable, warm, and felt safe, for both of them.

“This still doesn’t mean we’re in a relationship Hwa.” (y/n) groaned falling deeply into sleep.

“We could be though.” But (y/n) didn’t hear it.

♡MASTERLIST♡

net: @ateezlovenet

[seebutdontblink]

Growing up, I never thought about my sexuality or gender

(This is going to be long)

I grew up in a traditionally Conservative Christian environment. While it had some moderate tendencies, it was still primarily conservative. Because of this, there were certain feminine ideals pushes upon me -- like how men are supposed to be the leaders of the household. However, I also was an athletic kid my entire life which allowed me to put forth some traditionally masculine tendencies. In fact, in some cases, encouraged.

Like aggression and competitiveness in certain settings.

I was never allowed to wear makeup, or exposing clothes, or go on any sort of date etc etc., and I was fine with that. I didn't see the point of putting on makeup just to take it off in a few hours; I was perfectly fine wearing tee shirts and shorts for most of my life; and I barely cared about styling my hair (in fact I couldnt even put it in a decent braid). Dating was also the last thing on my mind; my goto answer was dating before, and maybe even in, college was pointless. It got to the point that people stopped asking me about crushes or dating.

I was in this state of nothingness. I didn't think about it and I didn't care.

This worked up until a certain point. Around mid middle school, I realized other 'girls' were caring a lot more about their appearance either in clothes or makeup. Even my friends or teamates, who were closer to holding my same ideals, started dressing differently.

(And yes I realize puberty, and yes I changed a little. I got a bra and my period, but I didn't think much of it. Really, I thought it was an inconvenience, but it didn't change my life choices too too drastically. --There were times I desperately wanted a smaller chest even though I wasn't big to being with, but I wore a sports bra most days, so it didn't matter too much. At some point, I hated using gendered bathrooms, partly for how people looked at me and partly for how I felt, but for the most part I avoided all public bathrooms in general)

Because I went to a Christian school, people didn't start talking about boys until high school. Well, at least, the circles I was in. When chapels talked about how lust was a sin and how we shouldn't do it, I nodded along like 'yeah sure no problem'

When I finally heard people talk about guys or celebrities, I found another way I was different. When we were talking about who was hot or attractive, I couldn't say. I realized on some level there was a difference between attractiveness and beauty. I could find someone beautiful but there was nothing attractive about them that drew me in. When describing love and ideal partners in class for our Romeo and Juliet unit, I ended up describing my best friends.

In high school, I was also supposed to express this femininity I didn't have. In small things -- like me feeling the need to defend why I wore a sports bra at all times and not just at practice when changing in the locker room-- to larger things -- like my mother yelling that she didn't want me to 'look like a boy' when I cut my hair short or her refusal to let me wear pant to a banquet. To me, hair and clothes didn't have anything tied to them (like gender or femininity/masculinity), but instead I didn't feel comfortable wearing certain things and wanted to express that.

In 10th grade, I started to question my identity as a whole. I might have done it sooner but I didn't know the vocabulary existed (and to my present shame, I held some ingrained prejudice and homo/transphobia). At some point I figured out I wasn't straight but it was a long road to finding out I was asexual let alone arospec. I IDed as gay, bi, and pan before I happened upon the term asexual (thanks to friend's parent). It felt right instantly, but that doesn't mean I didn't doubt myself (thanks to that internalized homophobia and fear of not being straight).

Gender was a lot harder. I saw demigirl and thought 'maybe?'. I didn't feel fully female, there was a disconnect, but the word never felt right. I used just gender nonconforming for a while but still IDing as cis female, convincing myself I wasn't trans. However, there was always doubt too.

I still don't know what I am. I use non binary because that how I seem right now. If I find out differently then great, but I'm more ok with existing in this nothingness and everythingness.

Some days I can live without thinking about my identities, but others it's all I can think about.

[ba-hons-film-blog]

Film Narrative 2 - Fiction Project Critical Reflection:

Initial Idea, Story and Script:

The initial idea came from Euan, who had the broad idea of a door-to-door salesman trying to sell something. We then expanded the idea to have it follow a desperate, morally dubious salesman, who grows increasingly desperate in his efforts to sell his products to a vulnerable old woman. We liked the dubious morality of the idea, and the inner conflict this would give the (unnamed) Salesman. We also thought the two characters, who both had clear but conflicting objectives (the Salesman needs to secure a deal to provide for his family) and the elderly woman, Mrs Beale (who simply wants some company, and isn't interested in the Salesman’s pitch) would help to give the film some good narrative thrust, as Mrs Beale casually dismisses the Salesman’s pitches, and the Salesman then has to try a new, more dubious tactic to secure his sale.

I feel my main contributions were towards coming up with various story beats and character developments for the idea, and making some dialogue revisions to Euan’s second draft of the script. This is due to my interest in storytelling, and script writing. I personally feel like I made a good deal of suggestions for the plot which made it into the final script and feel my dialogue suggestions, while somewhat hurried and not overly polished, helped to expand certain beats where I felt the script rushed past a moment that could be used to create more tension or character. Overall, I feel happy with the final draft of the script, although I feel it was left slightly late, and would have liked to have had time to submit/review a few more drafts done by either Euan, myself or another member of the group, so as to fine tune each and every aspect of the script.

Pre Production Documents:

(For all pre production documents, go to this link: https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/15hR7u8XKGlIGuBE3ye0p2FvMvKXCiAJS)

While I did have some ideas for the films style (suggesting ideas like the tv show White Gold) and some ideas for certain shots which I shared with the group(like the opening shot were we see the Salesman who the neighbouring door slammed in his face), I feel I was more engaged with the story and script side of the project than I was with the production side. While that is more what I am interested in, I feel in the next project, I want to get more stuck into the pre production aspects, even if just for some variety and experience. I did do the logline and script synopsis, but that wasn't too far removed from my work with regards to the story and the script.

I think the group did a great job with their production documents, creating a clear sense of the film's style and cinematography. The only issue was sometimes a lack of communication between each person meant certain documents did not 100 percent lineup with each other (like the shot list and the storyboards feature differing shots) but overall, the documents weren’t too inconsistent with each other.

Editing:

I think the picture edit went well. This was my third time using avid (I had previously used it to edit a different scene from “Lethe” and a film of my own) so my this point I had more of an understanding of how to use the software. I tried to create a slow paced edit that generally stayed on the character of Eve as much as possible, as the story is told from her point of view. I feel I could have done a better job with regards to keeping the group up to date as my edit developed and getting their feedback, but I did get some good advice about my second edit from Zoe and group 4 in one tutorial that I took into consideration when working on my third edit.

I also attempted a sound edit using a free trial of Avid Ultimate, which was a good learning experience although ultimately I didn't feel too happy with my finished product. While I managed to raise the levels of the appropriate sounds, and avoided any jarring audio rises or any unnatural silences, I don't think I chose the best background sounds (I used the corridor and general hospital sounds for the whole video, as opposed to just using them at the end. This made the scene feel a bit too busy and overwhelming, and hearing some ambient room noise and beeping sounds throughout instead likely would have been a better choice). Ultimately, I felt the scene worked better before I added these sound effects. My edit didn't manage to export in time as well. We ultimately went with Rosie’s edit, although I still hope to rework mine at a later date.

Crit Feedback:

The logline and synopsis were praised for being intriguing (with regards to the logline), effectively summing up the events of the film (with regards to the synopsis) and overall being well written and well formatted. One shortcoming (or something that group 4 was complimented for having that we didn't have) was not making reference to the movie's style and genre. Additionally, while not necessary, a document describing the key characteristics of the main characters would have been a nice addition.

The rest of the pre production documents were well received. The storyboards by Cal were well drawn and gave a clear idea what the films cinematography would look like (although could have done with some text beneath each image), the costume/prop/set documents by Rosie gave a clear idea of the films style (as did the moodboard, although we were told some comments on each of the images would have helped) and the shotlist by Robbie was well formatted, and clear and concise with regards to what each shot would feature (despite some confusion over some of the abbreviations and the fact the storyboards and the shotlist did not completely line up).

Script Feedback:

(to follow. Apparently, Euan has not received this from Paul, which I will ask about and add once we have gotten the feedback)

Edit Feedback:

Here is the feedback Kieran gave me for my edit, along with my thoughts about it and how I would go about it differently in the future:

“Good professional practice with leader.”

“Atmospheric start, but the out of focus POV shot lasts too long.” - The reason this lasts for so long is to allow the character of Abe to slowly come into focus, to show how Eve is slowly waking up. However, I could definitely start the clip a few more seconds in and maybe cut of a second at the end, or just have a few seconds of a blurry Abe without a change in focus, although that might not be as effective.

“At 01:00:31:00 the scratching of the head doesn’t communicate tension and feels awkward.” - While I initially choose this part of the clip because I thought it would be interesting to have Kane doing something other than silently brooding, thinking about it again, I would agree with this, and would solve it by choosing a different part of the clip where Kane is simply standing still and looking ahead.

“It’s a good 40 seconds before anything really happens, which is too slow.” - I would agree with this - perhaps 20 seconds of build up could have been a good balance?

“Good reveal of the space at 01:00:47:04, using him turning around.” - Previously, this shot had been criticized for being too brief and seeming a bit random compared to the closer up shots used elsewhere. Despite this, I had kept it, as I felt it properly established the geography of the room and showed all the characters in relation to each other, so it was nice to hear Kieran liked this.

“The look at 01:00:59:00 is too short, allow the look to settle for a few frames before cutting to what someone is looking at to make it less jarring.” - I would agree with this. I'm not sure why I cut this so early, maybe the actor only looked over for a second and I worked with what I had, but I imagine more likely than not this was just an oversight.

“This whole section up to 01:02:13:00 is very good, but missing a reaction from him to her asking for the bed pan.” - I think I stayed on the shot of Eve instead of cutting to Kane purely because I liked his line delivery in that shot, but I could have either looked for a shot of Kane with line delivery of a similar quality or cut to Kane reacting to Eve’s line and then cut back to Eve and had Kane’s line.

“The watch pickup ECU is a little quick, as you haven’t established the watch previous to this and it is a key object.” - I would agree with this, and feel it could be solved by either having the watch appear earlier and only having it appear briefly here, or only having it appear here and holding on it longer to make up for that.

“Generally the pace is a little slow at the start and end, and this scene can’t sustain longer than 3 minutes.” - With a runtime of 3 minutes 23 seconds, and Kieran stating the scene couldn't sustain a runtime of over 3 minutes, this was understandably deemed too long. While I was going for a slower pace as opposed to a fast one, it may have been possible to have found a middle ground between the two. With the opening, I have already said that it could be whittled down to about 20 seconds. The ending might have been a bit more difficult to cut down, as it isn't just Eve lying in bed but going across the room and doing various things, but I still think I could have cut it down a bit. This could have been done by minimising the time Eve is simply crossing the room and looking through the bag, and giving a good amount of time to the more important beats, like the watch, the photo ID and the other bed.

Overall Reflection:

I think some more communication could have been a bit better, and we would have benefitted from a few more meetings, just to update each other, make sure we were on the same page and make sure there were no major differences in our work. I personally would have liked to have spent even more time fine turning the script, and getting in a few more drafts, but I am still quite happy with the submitted work. Despite this, I think everyone did a good job at their respective jobs and turned in work of high quality, and I look forward to working on the independent project with this feedback in mind.

[chrismaverickdotcom]

Well, that WASN'T a movie... but I liked it... umm... I think... (a Dunkirk review)

I’d actually been looking forward to Dunkirk for quite a while. I love a good war movie. And I like Christopher Nolan. So I was pretty excited to go see it this weekend and review it…

…

ummm…

…

So it’s a really hard movie to review. I’ve mentioned this before… how I’ll often come out of the theater and say to myself “yup, that was a movie alright.” I don’t know that I can for sure say that this time. I mean, I guess… if all it takes to be “a movie” is to be a series of subtly changing pictures, simulating the the illusion of animation by projecting onto a screen in rapid succession… Yeah… this totally did that. The similarities between this and what you might normally call a movie pretty much end there.

I liked it. I think… it’s just not… a story. At least not really.

I’ve been going back and forth about how to review this movie all evening. I don’t like to give spoilers in my movie reviews. I prefer to address them in terms of some other aspect. Something that the film does of literary or artistic value. And this one actually has a lot of that. But I can’t really talk about them without spoiling it. Because the artistic exploration is pretty much what this movie is about. And that could be good and it could be bad. Because really… it should probably be about the war.

In a lot of ways this sort of reminded me of my main problem with Girls Trip. The trailers and commercials don’t really tell you what this movie about. You’d think this is Harry Styles, Tom Hardy and Kenneth Branagh in Platoon or Full Metal Jacket. The posters even make you sort of feel like that. Nope. That’s not this at all.

It’s not a movie about people at all. There are no real “characters” in it. In as much as this is a movie about anything, it’s a movie about the event. As we were leaving the theater, Steph pointed out that the woman in front of us was saying how great it was and saying that she was sure the lead guy would be winning best actor. I’m not even sure which character she thought was the lead guy. Seriously, I have no fucking clue. There’s no real protagonist, because it’s not really a story about people. Honestly, I’m not even sure what most of the characters names are. They don’t matter, because they never say them. Because the whole point of the movie is to give you the sense that all of these unrelated people are sort of thrown together in this chaotic event that is war. They don’t know each other so we don’t know them. And in a sense that works. It gives you a feeling for the chaos of the situation. It sets you in the space and time. But there’s no one to really hold onto. There’s no one to follow. You don’t know anything about these people, so it’s impossible to really “care” about them as people. There’s no emotional connection. I won’t go so far as to say you don’t care if they live or die. You do, because we’re presented with a horrible ad frightening situation and you know that some of them won’t be making it out alive. But you’re not really connected to any of them enough to care WHO lives and dies. You sort of just want as many people to make it as can. And that’s clearly an intentional choice on Nolan’s part. He doesn’t want you to know them. He wants you to think of them as the many nameless and faceless men on “The Greatest Generation” who fought in that war. They could be anyone. Branagh is one of the greatest actors on the planet. But really, any good actor could have done what he did here. I’ve only been out of the movie for a couple hours and I can’t even remember which of the random brunette soldiers Harry Styles was… I mean, I know he was one of them… I recognized him at the time. But now I’m like… yeah, whatever, I guess. The only reason I remember which character Tom Hardy portrayed is that Nolan did the tried and true mark of any great director and stuck a mask over his face for the entire movie so that you couldn’t really tell who he was. At this point, Tom Hardy is our finest masked actor. But it sort of doesn’t matter that it’s him. The whole point is that these people could be anyone. They could have cast any actor in any role.

But the movie isn’t really about the event either. What’s most interesting about the film is that really, it’s a piece of experimental film making. It’s clearly a passion project for Nolan. He has a high concept thing that he wanted to do here and he did it… I’m not sure this was the right story to try it on but I’m not sure it was wrong either. He wanted to push the idea of what film and movies could be and do something innovative. And he kind of does. And it’s something that may or may not work for everyone. Especially when combined with the fact that there’s really no characters in the film, not much in the way of acting and very little plot. This is an art film. It is very much an art film and probably belongs in arthouse. Only it’s an art film that somehow got greenlit for a $150million budget because its Christopher Fucking Nolan. It is very much an exercise in postmodernism with a touch of poststructuralism to it. And if you don’t know what I mean by this… well, that’s kind of the problem with the movie.

And because the film is so consumed with making it’s postmodern statement on the fallacy of narrative and character and the other conventions of film making, it sort of fails to do the one thing that the trailers sort of implied it would do — teach the audience about the Battle of Dunkirk. If you don’t really know the history of what went on, when you leave this film… you still won’t. And you’re not going to be satisfied by just the spectacle of war, because this isn’t that either. It is a beautifully shot and immersive movie, but to really enjoy it you have to buy into the experiment and give yourself over to it. You have to allow yourself to understand that this is not what you’re normally getting out of a big budget movie and you have to be okay with it and become engaged with it.

So for me the experiment worked. I got it, I was challenged by it, and I was into it. But I really felt like it detracted from the story as a whole. I felt like I didn’t get to see the movie I went to the theater for, and while I enjoyed what I got, I still kind of want that other movie too. This is going to be the kind of movie that I think most people are either going to really love or be really bored by. Sadly, I think most people who read the things I write WON’T go to see it. And that’s a shame, because I’m really curious to see what people think.

★★½❄︎½☆ (2.5 stars plus 1.5 snowflakes for an effective 4 out of 5 stars if you like cinematic experimentation and 2.5 stars if you don’t)

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Well, that WASN’T a movie… but I liked it… umm… I think… (a Dunkirk review) was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom