#if you need to publicly vent do it somewhere else

[awakefor48hours]

In case this needs to be said: don't trauma dump in a stranger's tags. It's disrespectful and not something people really want to see.

[the-astral-express-archive]

REQUESTS ARE OPEN

Hey there, welcome to the-astral-express-archive, an unofficial fanblog for official Honkai: Star Rail resources. Everyone can call me Seven or Sev, and I'm also the owner of genshinresource (now a retired blog). This post might be long so I’ll keep the main content under break.

Below are a few things everyone should keep in mind before following/interacting with this blog:

Please avoid bringing up all kinds of real-life related controversies in reblogs. I believe people who come here all want to have an enjoyable time looking at their favorite scenes and characters and maybe, just for a moment, forget about the difficulties they have to go through in life, and this also applies to me as well as a person. While I'm really thankful when someone shares their creations or translations for non-English contents in the reblogs, sometimes the negativity coming from people who hate on some characters for how they look or act, which is seen as "controversial" in real life, affect my mental state a lot. What I wanna say is, If anyone wants to vent their frustration over fictional characters then for God's sake, please do it somewhere else, don't do it here, I really appreciate it.

This blog is NOT spoiler-free but I'll try not to post any directly without prior warnings, especially in-game contents like story CGs and such. If you’re not comfortable seeing any content(s) here, please consider blocking/muting/filtering respective tag(s).

I also don't post leaks or any content related to leaks. All contents you see here were officially released by miHoYo/HoYoverse/COGNOSPHERE and/or their respective owners in-game and/or publicly by the time they are posted.

I usually don't reply to Ask messages aside from questions, feedback and requests to minimize clutters but rest assured, I read and really, really appreciate every single positive and encouraging message everyone sends to me. They're the energy and motivation I need to keep running this blog for as long as I can. Thank you so so much, everyone.

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[Outdated/Being reworked on] Masterlist/Tags page: This page is the main masterlist of this blog. All tags assigned in this blog are grouped into categories and there’s a filter at the top of the page if when you want to see specific groups of tags.

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Last updated: July 3, 2024

[strike-another-match]

anti immigration first worlders are so funny like "well if you were born in one of the countries exploited by the west instead of in the west... that's just how it is... cope..." what if i want access to the same privileges that you were granted by the lucky circumstances of your birth? does everyone in the west not live their lives in desperate pursuit of upwards class mobility and greater riches even after they have already attained what they need to live well, not go hungry, etc.? moving from a small town to a capital with greater opportunities is no problemo but if you must cross a border to do so then you are unwanted vermin to these people. i am not vermin i am a person just like you or anybody else. i am tired of feeling like i am less of a person than those around me as i've felt all my life because of these comments. i did not choose to migrate at 9 years old but i will throw fists with anyone who says anything about how my parents should simply have been content to live in poverty and misery. no one wants to leave their home countries to move somewhere where they are hated and dehumanized. put yourself in the shoes of others for once. first worlders will turn the global south into tourism resorts for them to visit at will for whatever reason be it fun, research, business, etc. (when they are not turning it into exploitative factories, mines, cultives, or battlefields) and consider this moral while they consider immigration to obtain a shred of the resources necessary for life that they have by lucky circumstance of birth immoral. i am tired and i am choosing to vent publicly aka "shout at the wind" instead of privately because honestly on this topic im not even sure i can trust my closest friends to support me which is truly what's really messing with me. also i don't differentiate between legal and illegal immigration because the bureaucratic approval of some genocidal entity is literally meaningless to me in matters of morality hope this helps

[avpdpossum]

hey y’all, just a little psa: if you’re posting something venting about negative thoughts regarding a diagnosis you have, please don’t write it in the second person so it sounds like you’re saying it to the person reading the post, especially if you’re not going to add any sort of indication that it’s a vent post.

i’ve already blocked the person whose post inspired this but like, i didn’t want to have my whole night thrown off by reading something that basically sounded like “no one could ever love you when you’re this fucked up” being directed at me and i have a feeling no one else does either, so i’m putting this out there in case it could help someone recognize if they’ve done this without realizing it.

there’s nothing wrong with venting, but doing it publicly does put some responsibility on you to consider how the things you say could affect other people who see it. if you’re not in a place where you can think about that kind of thing, you should probably find somewhere more private to put your thoughts.

and to anyone reading this who needs to hear it, you are absolutely worthy of love just as you are, regardless of what you’re dealing with mentally. you don’t have to reach a certain level of recovery or “normalcy” to desire connections with other people. no diagnosis or experience of neurodivergence makes you less deserving of meaningful connection or care.

[draiochteve]

a vent

I need people to start fucking grasping that you can't always take people's word. That someone being popular or publicly liked isn't the same as them being a good person. That some people will weaponize important concepts, issues, and identity as something to beat others and shield themselves. I need people to be more critical about large claims and sweeping statements. I need people to understand they likely do not know the whole story. That they may be being spoonfed a very specific narrative with the goal of personal vendettas. I need people to pay closer attention to language used and how it's being used. Are buzzwords being tossed around? Are identities being erased to paint a differing picture? No one learned shit from Emily. And that's a lot of what I'm seeing. I wish I spoke up more sooner. The cultish obsession with this one person. The insistence they cared. This fixation on their POV. I will not say there isn't value, ofc there is, but the problem lies with the extreme elevation of importance at the suffering of others. The silencing of discomfort and concerning things shared in this persistence of "he is a supporter of us all" I thought I was the problem. Vibes didn't match and my gut feeling just some paranoia or misunderstanding. A mismatch even. But here I am with hurt friends, people betrayed, and exhaustion knowing I was right at least to some extent. I can speak for other claims, but I can say something isn't setting right and a lot seems too convenient. If that makes me a villain, so be it. My roots have long since lost the will to care. If it get screenshot, sure, whatever. I'm just a dumbass typing on my computer. Truly, I don't matter. I've said it before, but I'm at a limit. I've been thinking hard about what staying in this fandom means for me. The comments I have seen defending this person have crossed lines just as much as the threats to them has crossed lines. The plot? Lost. The impact? Downplayed. For years I didn't know why I felt so pushed out and isolated, who was spinning these incredibly uncomfortable and questionable commentary. I am in full belief they were emboldened all the same whether people want to admit it or not. I made this username my everything. I had full intent originally if I hopped somewhere else, this name would follow. I am saddened to say that has not and will not be the case as I have settled. I have become firm in my shedding to start anew with new eyes and a deep breath.

My tether to here is fraying more and more by the day. And I'm fucking devastated recalling what got me here. I keep thinking of my friends, my hopes, my aspirations, all I planned to do after I moved and got myself situated. Unfortunately, everything has become more tainted and more painful to try to be by. There's so much more important shit going on in the world. And I refuse to succumb to someone living out infighting, self destructive and superiority complex dreams in fucking fandom.

[olderthannetfic]

Meta anon again for the last time. Sorry to clog up your inbox OTNF -.-' ...This person who reblogged my ask with "#I need to know if you're really the amazing writer you think you are#(a big part of me bets you are not)"

That really stung. I have pretty low self-esteem and sense of self-worth and writing is the only thing in my life that I'm solidly proud of and that keeps whatever self-confidence I have from completely tanking. I've been writing regularly for over 20 years and have received nothing but positive feedback on everything I have posted since I started posting publicly three years ago.

I'm genuinely very sorry to this person and anyone else that my ask came off so negative. I realised after I had submitted the ask that I just needed to vent somewhere and probably made everything sound much more negative than I actually felt and it was too late to take it back. It was not my intention to offend anyone who is into that sort of writing or to imply that it's facile though I realise that's what it sounded like and I'm sorry for how I handled that. I was just reflecting on what I have experienced in my fandom space and my frustration. I also said that I found it very difficult to write meta myself so it's not like it's necessarily easy or less complex than writing a fanfic.

Meta writers are their own breed with their own set of skills and I just wish fanfic writers were taken just as seriously in my fandom, and possibly others if other people have had this experience.

I'm sorry again about the way my ask sounded and I definitely could have worded it better.

Writing good meta and writing good fanfic both require excellent writing skills and perception. But to that person with the hashtags... I am a very good fanfic writer. I'm going to hold my head high for once and reiterate: this is something I'm very good at and the only thing that I'm proud of and that brings me immense joy and pleasure in life. If you want to think otherwise, you are free to do so. I'm going to walk away from this blog for a while and reflect on and rethink my relationship to the meta side of my fandom and how I can engage with it more positively and I hope you rethink the comments/hash tags you make in the future.

--

Dude... I have no way to tell if you're good, and it honestly doesn't matter for this: clinging to one thing as your source of self worth is a recipe for disaster.

[animerina]

Writing Update! (And I Finally Got Plagiarized)

Sorry I have been MIA. Once again, life has gotten the better of me as of late. First, my work became soul-sucking and took a lot of my free time. Once I managed to get that under control, my dad ended up in the hospital for a week and I had to help my mom take care of him and his dog while he was unable to. What doesn’t help is their dog hates my dog so putting the two of them at my house was absolute chaos. My partner left his job in May and started working in August somewhere else so I was trying to manage all our finances alone for several months which was absolutely taxing. We ate through most of our savings during that time, but luckily he’s getting a paycheck again. Things were getting better, but dad is back in the hospital and I don’t know for how long this time.

I know I’ve been neglecting my writing, so I really am trying to make it up to y’all by hopefully getting some chapters for different works out by the end of this week. I don’t have many followers, but I appreciate every single one of you and I’m so glad I have been able to write some stories you guys have enjoyed. I love seeing your reactions and thoughts, and am so proud of the content I’ve been able to create.

Unfortunately, something was brought to my attention today that I was hoping never to have to address. One of my followers messaged me that they believed one of my stories had been plagiarized by another blog on tumblr. I know this happens, I was just hoping it wouldn’t happen to me. At first glance, it didn’t really look like it had been copied, but as I read it, I realized that not only the concept and setting been stolen, but some of the dialogue and actions were copied word for word.

It really upset me to see this especially since I have followed this person since I entered the Tolkien fandom and have really enjoyed much of their work. Not only that, but they are a much larger blog with a lot of traffic/notes and provide a lot more content. It took me a long time to feel comfortable and confident enough to post my first story on here and A03, and the fact that even a small part of a story was plagiarized really hurts. I won’t call them out publicly because I don’t want anyone to attack them, but I know they will see this since they follow me and I hope they don’t do this to any other writer on here. It’s one thing to be inspired by a fic, it’s a completely different situation when it’s copied word for word. I’ll end my rant here and I’m sorry, but I needed to vent.

[truckfreaks]

i need to document this somewhere, anywhere, and then i am going back to hiatusland. but tonight, during my last session before i get switched off to someone else, my individual trauma therapist i think finally had the gumption to say some shit she's been holding back.

and she said that she's actually pissed for me, on my behalf. she said the way i was spoken to was both unprofessional and vindictive. she said that she *is* legitimately concerned that i am being ganged up on and scapegoated (whether it's intentional or unintentional) in those sessions. she said that it is not my fault or my responsibility that someone who claims to be trying to work things out with me simultaneously projects his own shame onto me, making him lash out at me as if it were my fault that he feels that way.

i know in my heart and i've known for months that this is probably not a direction in life that is compatible with me living a fulfilling life as myself while also being the person he wants me to be. i thought maybe there was some way i could make that work, and i tried really, really hard for almost two years now. but it's obvious to me that he is only happy when i neuter myself for the sake of his comfort. and i can't keep making myself smaller for another person, no matter how much you have tying you together.

despite how... idk, ambiguous things have been since last October, i did really give this my best shot. i really tried. but i think after hearing him say last night that i will never truly be myself ever again, maybe that's okay. maybe i would have changed anyway. maybe i am different now, irrevocably, and i no longer am willing to put up with the same shit i was willing to put up with a decade ago.

is that because i was assaulted by multiple people i trusted, or is that just who i am? the conclusion i came to today is that i don't give an iota of a fuck what caused it. it just is. and i think i've finally accepted what i've been venting about on here for months: that i DO deserve someone who will care to learn my favorite song, or get me flowers, or leave me notes, or gender me correctly, or follow through on things that benefit us as a whole with the same fervor they follow through on their own passions.

i'm sick of people using what happened to me as a boogeyman to explain away all of the problems around me. i experienced it, not you. i lived through it. you don't get to tell me about how that makes you feel but tell me it's "frustrating" when i try to talk about how it makes me feel.

you know what's frustrating? holding a man's hand and consoling him week after week after week about how the multiple sexual assaults you lived through, which he has never tried to talk to you about regarding your feelings, make him feel. consoling an adult about how they're personally affected by horrible, awful events you actually survived. which you very well might not have. i understand traumatic events affect everyone, even peripherally. but to shut me down for trying to talk about it on my own terms - it feels cruel.

you don't get to use my trauma as an excuse to rag on me week after week and then get pissed off when i voice that i had an upsetting reaction to something you enjoyed because i was triggered. that's not fair. and i'm tired of letting people treat like i'm a confused, damaged child instead of a 32 year old person perfectly capable of making my own decisions and asserting my own autonomy.

for the first time ever i am publicly open about who i am and what i want in life and i guess for some that is "too much". i think i just need to find people who it is enough for. i can keep trying a little longer to find them.

[tomwambsgans]

man, i like your blog and shit but if you're having ocd meltdowns whenever someone has a different interpretation of the characters, it makes engaging with you kinda impossible. it's a small fandom and is getting smaller each day, don't spend half of your time complaining about other people's fics and posts and then act surprised when the vibe sucks

is this solely in response to that one recent late-night rant i posted? bc i'm getting the sense that this may also be about posts on my main, and if it is, then tbqh i'm gonna say that i need somewhere to vent for venting's sake or else i'll go even more insane. so like, i'll concede that maybe i should just remove my main url from my blog bio or something. but other than that, i try genuinely hard to keep my fr meltdowns to myself and, when i make meta posts on here that are fueled by the motivation to reassure myself, to still cite my sources and whatnot and put real meat in the posts bc it's really important to me to not feel like i'm talking out of my ass. and also to make posts that other people will want to see. my recent more personal posts about it are bc lately i'm not having a good time re: ocd and i genuinely kind of cannot tell how insane i look to other people. like, i want to know so that i can figure out how to get back to semi-normal.

i'm also really never actually Surprised about the vibe sucking btw (and i'm not saying that that's how i would even describe my feelings. just like, if we're calling it that), i'm just frustrated. i do try very hard to avoid seeing things that make me upset and to balance that with trying to maintain passion (by keeping this blog active), and that leaves me with bare bones. i'm well aware that i'm the one with The Problem, and i promise i hate it more than anyone else possibly can. i really don't try to make it anyone else's problem. ntm the vast majority of my ocd shit is kept off of here and stays entirely in my brain, so like, the "meltdowns" you've seen are kinda nothing lol.

on a more intellectual vein, i do wanna say that like half of all succession meta posts i ever see (especially the very good ones) are in some way covert responses, with some amount of disagreement, to other people's takes. it's like how scholars are all constantly arguing with each other. i don't personally feel the need to cultivate a fandom space where no one ever has their feelings hurt and all interpretations are only ever publicly regarded as equally valid in order to avoid it, or anything. fandom is for fun but it's obviously also a minefield of people with hyperfixations/special interests/ocd. it sucks when that seemingly winds up dividing an already small fandom, but my thing is that i am not going to have a good time in fandom if i restrict myself from one of the most beloved human pasttimes that is complaining. man i really don't even drop names when i do, i just describe general takes that i disagree with and give my own, thoroughly backed-up stance. i even admitted in that post that "i'm fighting a mostly imaginary person." if someone feels like it's about them and that really bothers them, they can unfollow/block and then go complain about me if they need to. the world is kind of beautiful that way.

i hope this all doesn't come off as hostile by simple virtue of being a long response, i just wanna hit every possible point and don't wanna risk being misunderstood. it's kinda my thing. and like, obviously i don't want to needlessly alienate people who otherwise like my posts, which you said you do. but also your message feels kinda hostile so if i do sound hostile i hope it's in a way that makes us even. idk who you are, you could easily be someone i've had conversations with and who I'll talk to more in the future, having no idea that you sent me this, and i think that's beautiful too. it's a wonderful thing that you can anonymously say something harsh to me, whoever you are, and not do any damage to whatever relationship we may have. i'm pressing our foreheads together. i forgive you. anyway i'm gonna delete that personal ocd post because it's paranoid and kind of self-destructive and embarrassing in hindsight. but my general nature will not change except incrementally so let's hope for the best ig

[heartate]

i just need to vent somewhere for a second where ppl unrelated won't see it bc i know they're tired of me lmao. feel free to ignore this i'm just sooooooo. augh. really long vent post tbh. i had a lot to say.

i didn't really talk about it publicly a lot, because it's like, it's not something i could really talk about publicly because it's like... what do you even say, you know. like. you spend so much time having feelings for someone to where you go "wow i'm in love with them" and they say "yeah i'm in love with you too and i'd like to live with you and shit someday" but like, refuse to put a label on it. like, this was a situationship going on from the end of may 2022 up until july 2023 so. lol. and like. it's been over three months now and i still don't know if i'm over the whole thing, but i think about it less and less now. i'm still irritated and annoyed and extremely hurt about the situation, because.

i was given excuse after excuse about why we couldn't just put a label on it and like, be "official" despite the fact that every single day it's "wow i love you SO much, i can't wait to have a life with you" you know. and it's like.

i had a bpd(tm) moment last november that really spiraled badly in december, but like got triggered in september, and when i start spiraling i spiral for months and it does not end, and i drop off the face of the earth (if anyone's reading this at all, i apologize for disappearing lmao). and this is heavily to do with why i just forgot about tumblr for like 2 years, because i busied myself with a man i really love(d?) and like. i don't fault him at all for being scared of committing, because i am too, and i don't fault him not even a LITTLE bit for being unequipped or shocked and scared and not able to deal with the magnitude of how depressed and anxious and paranoid i get when things get really bad for me. i don't mind that. but i spent so long trying to repair that wedge, but it was never the same, even if i got fooled for a few moments into thinking things were normal and okay.

and i'm that person who, if i feel like i'm being annoying or that i'm not wanted, i will shrink back and wait for the other person to reach out to me first for once, because if i feel like i'm the only one making the effort time and time again or if i keep getting plans flaked on or shafted even if i make them like days or a week or more in advance, i just fuck off and wait, because i don't want to be push and i just get so anxious and sad. so when he told me that he "felt the momentum drifting and that the interactions weren't as energetic" i just. i was really hurt. and i told him this, and i expressed that i pulled back because i just. was mirroring what i was getting while just waiting and dying for him to just give me a second of his time.

and he lied to me when he dumped me in july (while i was in japan visiting family and already not having a good time over there, mind you), and told me that he wanted to try "dating someone in town" when i confronted him about something a friend showed me. but, turns out it was just another girl long distance, who is also EST like i am, and his excuse to me for why we weren't working was the distance and that he now lived across the country instead of two states away, but was willing to go chase someone else in the same distance as me? and enough so to actually put a label on their relationship, and seemed so much more torn up over that not working out than he ever was about the prospect of losing me despite him telling me how much he loved and wanted me and wanted to have a life together.

there were a lot of principles that i compromised on and actually changed my mind about because of him, because i loved him enough. like. i never, ever, ever wanted kids in my life. i knew this since i was really young, and he was the same way, but then he mentioned it one day and idk if it was a joke but his answer was so serious so i thought about it and i was like, you know what? if it's with him, i'd want a family, and we'd be so fucking cute. so it's like. how do you do and say all of that to someone and just, throw that away for someone you barely knew in comparison to someone you've known and loved for years. it just. it made me feel so awful and just really? worthless? because i just. i loved him so much, and i still do, i think. i spent like. two months straight just. crying over him and just. he vented to me a few weeks ago about the situation and the things he told me, his gripes with his ex now, i was just sitting there like. the hurt you feel is the same i feel because i had to beg on my hands and knees for some of your time because i felt so ignored.

it's so awful because i was so sure about him. and what i felt was so genuine, and what i felt from him was so genuine and real. at least it was to me. maybe it wasn't. i don't know lmao. i have bpd so i just drink delulu juice and maybe i'm just delulu over all of it. it just really sucks lol. i just. it hurts to feel like i just got discarded like that, or that he'd tell me "you know i want to come see you" or that he "wouldn't be opposed to trying for real in the future" but i don't want to feel like a rebound or like i'm the second choice like i just. for once, would like to matter to someone as much as they matter to me. maybe i just am stupid and have awful fucking taste lmao because i clearly don't choose anyone who's good for me. what makes this hurt too is that he is truly just so amazing of a person and i just. i don't know lmao. and i told myself, i want to continue to make the effort to stay close to him in the event that maybe he does change his mind and realize hey, she's right there and has been all along and i've always loved her, but that's so stupid and pathetic lmao. i haven't spoken to him in nearly 2 weeks now because he just. never replied and i felt annoying and i keep waiting for him to talk to me first because it hurts to be the only one trying every single day but. idk. i think i give up because i really can't do this anymore lmao. i'm so tired and i'm tired of being hurt and sad over a man. idk why i keep ending up in these situations lol but it makes me feel so awful

[storiesforallfandoms]

inspirational ~ corpse husband

word count: 1589

request?: yes!

“Hi! I was wondering if you could do a corpse husband imagine where the reader has a feeding tube? If you can’t that’s perfectly fine, I just haven’t been able to find one yet.”

description: in which the group plays with a popular streamer that has a feeding tube and corpse tells her how much she inspires him

pairing: corpse x female!reader

warnings: swearing, mentions of chronic pain and cancer, also i only know a little bit about feedings tubes, i tried to do research in order to make myself more familiar but if there’s a lot of inaccuracies or anything i am very sorry i’m gonna try my best

masterlist (one, two)

Corpse listened to his friends shouting at one another to accuse each other of being sus. As usual, there was no use in trying to get a word in. Corpse spoke so softly that no one would even hear him unless they wanted to hear what he was saying.

“(Y/N)!” Toast suddenly exclaimed. “You’re being very quiet right now.”

“Because my damn tube is mixed up in my headphone wires!” (Y/N) exclaimed, sounding like she was far away from her mic. The group chuckled and continued with their conversation about who they thought the imposter was.

(Y/N) was a known Twitch streamer and YouTuber that rose to popularity when she started a series on her YouTube channel to show her journey through cancer treatments. Long before his own sudden boom in popularity, Corpse had watched all of her videos and became invested in her Twitch streams as well. Being someone who also struggled with chronic illness and pain, Corpse felt a sense of hope watching (Y/N) go through her treatment and still seem to optimistic in life and so productive in her YouTube and Twitch channels.

When Toast messaged the Amigops group to ask if anyone wanted to join his Among Us lobby with (Y/N), Corpse jumped at the chance. He hadn’t had much time to speak with her alone, but he was hoping to be able to tell her how much watching her content lifted him up during his worst times.

The meeting ended with no one being voted and brought them back to the office of the Polus map. Since they were playing with proximity chat, the argument from the meeting immediately continued with Rae and Toast warning everyone to stay away from Sean, who they were susing at the second imposter after already voting out Charlie.

Corpse watched (Y/N)’s pink astronaut run out of the office, silent amongst the chaos. He waited a moment before deciding to follow her, hoping he could meet her somewhere alone so he could talk to her.

He ran into O2 and noticed a pink bean in the boiler room stood by the water wheels. He ran in and stood in the doorway a moment before speaking.

“Hello (Y/N).”

“Ah fuck!” (Y/N) exclaimed. “Corpse! Don’t scare me like that!”

Corpse chuckled. “Sorry, I’ll warn you next time.”

“Are you here to kill me?”

“Maybe.”

“I’m okay with that. I feel like being killed by Corpse Husband in Among Us is like a rite of passage at this point.”

Corpse slowly approached (Y/N) to which she quickly ran away from him to the other water wheel. He laughed again before assuring her, “I’m not an imposter, you can trust me.”

“I don’t think I can, but I will choose to trust,” she told him.

“I actually came looking for you because I wanted to talk to you.”

“What did you want to talk about?”

There were so many things running through Corpse’s mind. He just wanted to blurt out everything he had thought about (Y/N) and her story, to thank her for giving him hope, to tell her what an inspiration she was. But his words caught in his throat and he struggled to get anything out.

Finally, he said, “What’s it like trying to be a streamer with your...with the um...”

“The feeding tube?” (Y/N) finished for him. “You can say it, Corpse. It’s not exactly a secret.”

He sighed, glad that she had a joking tone about it. “Yeah, with the feeding tube.”

“It’s annoying,” (Y/N) admitted. “Like...I’m assuming you’ve seen my streams or my videos but for the sake of anyone watching your stream who hasn’t: I have a nasogastric feeding tube, or an NG-tube, which is a feeding tube that goes in through the nose. As cliché as it is, just picture Hazel Grace from the Fault in our Stars. Additional cliché, I have it because I had cancer and the treatments left me so malnourished that I need a feeding tube even after I’ve gone into remission. So, because it’s tubes that are connected in my nose, I keep getting my headphone wires tangled in my tube or, very rarely, my mic wires, and it’s fucking annoying. It hurts like a bitch when I go to stand up and I yank the wires  by accident or something.”

“Does...does anything else hurt? Because of the cancer or the treatment or anything?”

“Not as much as it used to. I went into remission like nearly a year ago, so I’m doing better. It’s a process, but it’s had an amazing outcome in the end so I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“I find you really inspirational,” Corpse finally blurted.

He felt his face heat up with slight embarrassment as (Y/N) giggled. “You do?”

“Yeah. I followed your series about your recovery and I’ve watched some of your livestreams every now and then. What always stood out to me was when you talked about the negative side effects of your treatment, and eventually having to put the feeding tube in and how you’ve found that effects you, too. Being someone with chronic illness and constant pain, I’ve also had those days where it feels like even getting out of bed is too much work and I don’t feel like I can stream or make a video, but then my anxiety tells me that everyone is going to forget about me if I don’t make some type of content, so it’s just an internal struggle when really I should be resting.”

“Being a content creator and having an illness is tough,” (Y/N) agreed. “It feels like you can’t take a day off. I sometimes regret making that series because on days that I felt absolutely awful, I didn’t want to film or edit anything, but I felt like I had to because so many people were watching. Ironically enough, that became the topic of one of those videos; I just sat in front of my camera looking the worst I think I’ve ever looked on camera and talked about how exhausted I felt just from being alive, but felt like I couldn’t rest because of my channel. That’s when I started taking longer breaks between videos and streaming. Your fans won’t leave you, not the true fans anyways. They’ll always be by your side even if you decide to disappear from the Internet forever.”

Corpse half smiled to himself. “I’ve thought about doing that sometimes.”

“It’ll be easy for you to do that where you’re faceless. No one would bother you even after you left the Internet cause they’d have no idea it was you unless you spoke.”

A brief pause in their conversation caused them to hear Sean yelling as he ran past the room. (Y/N) giggled and walked out of the room. Corpse followed, hoping to continue the conversation somewhere else.

“It means a lot to me that you think that about me, though,” (Y/N) continued as she ran into the storage room. “I find you pretty inspirational too.”

This took Corpse by surprise. He didn’t know how to respond. Sure, he heard that all the time from his fans, and it always meant the world to him to know that people found him to be an inspiration, but it felt different to hear that from someone he had looked up to for so long.

“I wish I could’ve been a faceless creator like you,” she said when Corpse didn’t respond. “One of my biggest regrets is probably showing my face online. Although, it wouldn’t make sense for me not to show my face when I’m making a series about cancer treatment, but people can be mean. Even when someone is struggling with illness or a disease, the Internet doesn’t care. Whatever makes them feel better over someone else feeling like shit.”

“I still get a lot of hateful messages even though I’m faceless, though.”

“You do, but you’re so unbothered by it. Publicly anyways. When I get messages about how sickly I look I get so overwhelmed with sadness and I just wanna delete my channel forever. I can’t even fake not caring because it really does effect me.”

“Stick with me, I’ll teach you my ways. My favorite is trolling the troll.”

(Y/N) chuckled. “I’d like that a lot.”

Corpse watched (Y/N)’s pink bean approach his black one. “I’m glad we had this chat, Corpse. It made me really happy, but now it also makes doing this a lot harder.”

Corpse gasped as a kill animation popped up on the screen and (Y/N)’s astronaut quickly disappeared into the nearby vent. He was stunned into silence for a long time, just watching his ghost floating above his dead body. To make matters worse, (Y/N) had closed the door to storage so no one would find his body unless they had to go in there.

Charlie’s ghost floated through the walls and came to float next to Corpse’s. “Figured out Jack wasn’t the other imposter, huh?”

“Yeah,” Corpse said, laughing. “She really had me fooled. Buttered me up with compliments then killed me.”

“I taught her well,” Charlie comments before floating away again.

Corpse couldn’t help but laugh about the situation. He wasn’t mad, more impressed than anything. And he was a little happy; he got to talk to someone that had always been an inspiration to him and he made a new friend.

[blu-joons]

DATING MONSTA X HEADCANON A⇴Z ⇴  Chae Hyungwon

A ⇴ AFFECTION

At any point in the day, Hyungwon will come to you for affection. If he’s feeling sleepy or needy especially, he’ll often lay in your lap as a call for you to pay attention to you, usually settling there for quite some time.

B ⇴ BEFORE DATING

The way the two of you met was all a little bit cliché. Hyungwon accidentally bumped into you whilst you were waiting in queue at a clothing store. He was quick to apologise over and over again, even offering to pay for what you bought to say sorry, but after you met his eyes, you told him coffee together would do the trick.

C ⇴ CONFESSION

Hyungwon was quite a quiet character anyway, but the day he chose to confess, you could almost hear a pin drop between the two of you. He was terrified of rejection; he didn’t want to get things wrong and end up ruining your friendship. When you eventually pushed him into telling you what was going on, you couldn’t believe how nervous he had become, especially when you felt the same way as he did all along.

D ⇴ DATES

Your dates varied a lot, neither of you had one thing that you particularly liked to do on a date night. A lot of your dates depended on your schedules and how much time you had, some nights the only answer would be an hour together with a takeout between you both, but that was alright. The two of you spoke often about how you wanted to just make the most of the time you spent together as opposed to how you spent that time. Takeout and a lazy night quickly became a favourite date night for you both.

E ⇴ EXPERIENCE

It’s well known that Hyungwon was in a long-term relationship previously, so he’ll definitely know how to treat a woman. He’s also not afraid of publicly dating, he knows he has the company’s backing to date which makes life a lot easier for him too. In the early stages of your relationship, he was a little nervous, it had been a while for him since he was last in a relationship, but as the two of you move forwards, he remembers all the things he loves about being in a relationship and loves to show you off to the fans too.

F ⇴ FIGHTING

The two of you very rarely argue, you’re both quite calm people, it takes a lot for the both of you to argue with one another. So much so, that you usually end up talking more about the arguments you have with other people rather than each other. You’d often sit up with each other late at night and vent about the problems you had with other people. Arguments between the two of you were very rare as neither of you were confrontational people, to most people looking in on the two of you, it felt like the two of you really did have the perfect relationship as the two of you always got on like the best of friends.

G ⇴ GETTING TO KNOW HIS FAMILY

His family were very keen to meet you as Hyungwon made no secret of how much he liked you. They had high expectations, but thankfully you far exceeded them when you met them. They’d never see Hyungwon as happy as when he was with you which was all they ever wanted for him, to see him with a smile.

H ⇴ HOME

Being one of the younger members, Hyungwon was a little reluctant to move out of the dorm. He didn’t want to rush into moving out just in case anything did go wrong. You were always very understanding of how cautious he was, and besides, you loved spending time at the dorm with the other members too.

I ⇴ “I LOVE YOU”

Hyungwon was the first to say, ‘I love you,’ one evening just before you went to sleep. You weren’t expecting it at all, and if he was honest, he was sure that you were asleep, so when your eyes fluttered open and stared across at him, he didn’t quite know how to react or what to do, looking away from your wide smile.

J ⇴ JEALOUSY

He knows that he’s not the loudest person in the room, so he’ll often use physical touch to make sure that he has your attention. Hyungwon isn’t someone who gets jealous easily, he’s comfortable in his relationship and he’s incredibly trusting that even though you might sometimes talk to someone else, he’s the one for you. There are definitely times when he can feel himself begin to get jealous, but he’s good at handling his behaviour and remaining calm, and if he feels like he needs to, he’ll talk to you about it after.

K ⇴ KIDS

Having a family still feels a little way off for Hyungwon just yet, he’d love to one day, especially with you, but he has plenty of other things that he wants to achieve before then. The two of you are very open with how you see your futures going, and nine times out of ten the two of you tend to be on the same track. Having children is definitely something the two of you dream about and agree that in a few years it might be a possibility.

L ⇴ LAUGHTER

Hyungwon will often make you laugh without even realising that he’s doing. He’s not as much as a jokester as some of the other members, but his facial expressions will often make you chuckle when someone else is talking. When the two of you are alone, he gains a little more confidence in trying to make you laugh by being a fool. He wants to make you smile more than anything else, that’s his main goal in being by your side, so as long as he’s doing that, then he’s a happy man, and an even happier boyfriend.

M ⇴ MISSING

He’s quiet anyway, but he will be silent on tour whenever he’s missing you. The boys will all rally around him quickly when he’s missing you and try hard to cheer him up. They’ll also often tell you how he’s coping as he tends to put on a brave face for you. Every morning when he wakes up, he checks his phone to see if there is a message from you, then he’ll check the date, and remember how many days there are until the flight home. It’s his best way of coping, knowing that each day when he wakes up, he’s one day closer to waking up with you beside him again. Whenever you call him, you’ll always let him know what the boys have told you and try your best to reassure him and pick up his down mood.

N ⇴ NICKNAMES

Hyungwon loves to call you ‘love.’  There are a few other nicknames that sometimes appear, but that’s the main one he loves to use as he feels that it perfectly sums up his feelings for you, that he loves you.

O ⇴ OBSESSION

In the same way you are with his, Hyungwon is obsessed with your lips. He loves to kiss them, or feel them trail along his body, wherever that may be.

P ⇴ PDA

Affection is quite common from Hyungwon in public, it’s often his preference over being vocal around you. Most of the time you’ll feel his hand rest somewhere against your body, it’s a great comfort for him to have you there, and he also likes to make sure that he knows where you are as often as possible so he can care for you.

Q ⇴ QUESTIONS

Whenever a new meme appears of him, he’ll always be quick to ask you if you’ve seen it. Most of the time you definitely will have done because you love to tease him about them, but you’ll still make him show you so you can watch them again.

R ⇴ RANDOM FACTS

Every time that Hyungwon goes away on tour, he steals something from your wardrobe and wears it during every show. It’s usual something small and subtle as a lot of your wardrobe is too small for him. He never tells you when he does it though, you’ll just open your wardrobe one day to try and find the hat you like only for it not to be there. Straight away, you’ll always know exactly who the culprit was for it going missing.

S ⇴ SEX

His lips work hard during intimacy, either by whispering sweet nothings into your ear or working their way along your body with kisses. Hyungwon is very much in tune with the fact his lips are a massive tun on for you and will definitely use that to his advantage when he’s close to you. He’s always very affectionate and very slow, he loves to take his time with you and make sure he appreciates every part of your body.

T ⇴ TEXTS

Hyungwon will often text you throughout the day to see how you are. He loves knowing what you’re up to and what your plans are and will often try and organise a surprise visit in amongst your hectic days to see you.

U ⇴ UNIVERSE

He loves how well you’ve become a part of his family, not just by his side, but with his family too. He was scared to love for a long time, but you reminded him how special it could be and how important it was in life.

V ⇴ VACATION

Hyungwon loves to travel and having you to travel with now makes things a lot more special. Any time he can get you to travel with him, he’ll bring you along and make sure to show you as much of the world as possible. Exploring is one of his favourite things in the world and getting to do it with you too makes it a whole lot more fun.

W ⇴ WHINING

If he can’t sleep at night, that’s when Hyungwon will moan the most. He turns to you to try and help him sleep and try and comfort how busy his mind is.

X ⇴ XXXXX

Again, you’re a big fan of his lips, and he will definitely use them often to shower you with affection. Similarly, you know how much he loves your lips too, so you’ll often kiss him when he least expects it, creeping up behind him. Your kisses together are always full of a lot of love and passion, neither of you are fans of quick pecks or meaningless kisses, you’d rather savour those moments to create a much more powerful and meaningful kiss.

Y ⇴ YOU

You were everything to Hyungwon, the perfect distraction that he needed.

Z ⇴ ZZZ

He sleeps, a lot, and he loves to have you beside him whilst he sleeps. You’ll often end up having to wriggle out of his grasp at some point because he holds you so tightly for so long, but somehow Hyungwon will never even stir.

---

Masterlist

[novanekoma]

✫ home is where you are

✫ hawks/ keigo takami x reader

✫ summary: You were his home, the place he wanted to keep coming back to, and he knew that no matter what happened, where he went, as long as he had you, he would always have somewhere to call home.       ↳ loosely inspired by the song champagne problems by taylor swift

✫ status: complete

✫ genre: angst, fluff if you squint really hard and implied mature content, again only if you squint really, really hard

✫ warnings: it’s really just a bunch of angst, there is mentions of relationship insecurities and a slight mental breakdown, and implied threat towards the reader at the end, nothing intense though, and not by hawks, this is not a non-con or yandere fic, hawks is hella in love with the reader 

✫ word count: 2.3k

✫ disclaimer: BNHA, the music and any other assets used in this fic, DO NOT belong to me, all credit goes to their respective owners

✫ A/N: So…  taylor swift released the sister album to folklore and I was feeling angst today, and when I heard champagne problems, I cried and got inspired lmao. I hope you enjoy if you decide to read! 

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           For the first time in his life, Hawks felt nothing as he flew through the night sky. He couldn’t take comfort in the crisp air that raced through his feathers and tangled in his hair, he couldn’t relish in the freedom that came with flying, the one thing that usually made him feel so free. The brightly lit stars only served to fuel the nightmare he was living, as echoes of warm laughter ran through his mind, and memories of a familiar warm body clutching onto him as he shared the sky with you.

           But not tonight.

           Tonight Hawks was making the familiar trip alone, his arms were empty and all he could feel was the harsh cold of the night seeping into his skin. He wasn’t wearing his hero costume, instead the once crisp suit he had on was now wrinkled, the suit jacket missing, discarded somewhere over Tokyo, along with the tie you’d given him the week before. The buttons on his one pressed shirt were coming undone, the buttons unable to hold on with the speed he was flying at.

           And finally, the night was silent. The only sound being the harsh breaths coming from the broken hero as he attempted to catch his breath. Standing on a familiar building top, Hawks was able to see the entirety of the city, from the top of a home, the home you were going to share, he was blessed with the silence of the night, but provided the beautiful view of the bustling night life of Japan. He could see as people went about their night, he watched the friends that laughed as they walked towards their next stop, the couples holding hands and flirting as they continued with date night.

           He wasn’t sure which was worse, watching the happiness around him, or being stuck in his own head with only his thoughts as narration.

           He didn’t want to think, he didn’t want to feel.

           He wanted to be numb.

           It was when he finally caught his breath, slumped against the bench you had forced him to bring up here, the one you made him promise to keep in pristine condition as this was your spot, you and Keigo’s. Where he didn’t have to be the #2 pro hero, where he could just be Keigo Takami, someone he had slowly been beginning to discover again, someone you had supposedly loved. Where you whispered to him that if he was ever feeling lonely, all he had to do is find the brightest star in the sky and he’d think of her, and know you were thinking of him too.

Keigo let out a deep haggard sigh as he flopped down on the bench, not caring about the stiffness that would surely come from laying on his wings. Brilliant stars lit up his vision and he felt his heart break all over again. He threw an arm over his eyes so he didn’t have to see the sky. The one where the two of you spent hours gazing at the constellations as you pondered any and every topic that crossed your minds.

           It was here where Keigo allowed himself to weep.

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           You had been skittish the last few days.

           Keigo could always tell when you were nervous and when you were trying to hide something from him. Your calls weren’t as frequent and your texts were short and to the point, it was hard to get into contact with you when you were like this. It had been harder when you lived separately, but once you started living together, you had no choice but to confront whatever it was that was bothering you.

           Whether it had to do with Keigo or not.

           He had a way of making you spill what was bothering you, he was your boyfriend after all and it always hurt him to see you this way. Usually it took a bit of sweet talk and carefully placed touches before you were spilling your guts out, and you worked the problem out together, but not this time.

This time was different.

He could feel the difference in the apartment every time he got home.

No goodbye kisses or welcome home hugs, the air lacked the warmth you always brought into the room. In its place was an unfamiliar cold, half-hearted hugs and barely-there kisses on the cheek. Your hand pulling from his when he tried to link your fingers, and the I love you’s few and far between. You had a habit of telling him you loved him before he left for work each morning, as you never knew whether he would be home or not that night due to his hero work, and when he went to kiss you goodbye and say those words, they were filled with silence as you pretended to be asleep.

He felt hopeless, torn between wanting to beg and plead for you to share what was wrong and not wanting to push you until you were ready.

           But you were the only family he had, the only person who really, truly meant something to him after suffering with loneliness for so, so, long. You showed him the kind of love that he forgot existed, you reminded him who the man underneath Hawks was, the person he’d buried deep down for so many years.  

           You were his home, the place he wanted to keep coming back to, and he knew that no matter what happened, where he went, that as long as he had you, he would always have somewhere to call home. Slowly, surely and without realizing it, you had become his new dream.

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           When you finally, finally, let him in on the problem, on the insecurities that had slowly festered and made a home in your mind, did Keigo understand.

           He knew you’d always been worried, publicly dating a pro hero, the #2 hero at that, was not easy. It was full of paparazzi whenever you were in public, and many at home dates (which neither of you minded), interviews and gossip blogs as everyone speculated about the person who had captured the most eligible pro hero bachelor’s heart.

It was even more difficult once the public found out you were the younger sibling of the hero killer Stain.

Now that, that had caused quite the uproar. While the commission had already been unsure of your relationship due to the charming and flirtatious, bachelor persona they had tried to give Hawks, but now he was dating a notorious villain’s relative? Stain’s sibling at that. They had a field day reprimanding Hawks, even going as far as telling him he needed to terminate the relationship and all contact with you instantly.

He didn’t listen.

You however, had different ideas.

You loved him so much, and felt awful about the trouble you were bringing him. You knew just how relentless the commission could be. But still… you couldn’t bring yourself to leave him. Not when Keigo would look at you like you were the stars that lit up his sky, but even so, you knew, you knew that by choosing to stay with you, Keigo could lose everything.

           So you had tried to get him to break up with you instead, that was the reason for the cold shoulder.

           At least that way, that way it would be his choice to leave you, he wouldn’t be as heart broken.

           He’d be able to move on, with someone the commission and the public would accept. Someone who could stand by his side without all the insecurities and uncertainties, someone with a strong quirk, that could give him strong children, unlike you and your quirkless body. And in those heartbreaking fantasies, you imagined he would have found happiness, found someone who lit up his sky even brighter than you ever had, and was receiving all the love and affection he deserved.

           In a perfect world, maybe your plan would work, but fate had other plans.

           Keigo had come home early that day, picking up your favourite take out and flowers in hopes tonight would be the night you finally told him what was wrong, instead he came home to you sobbing in the bedroom, almost in hysterics as the pressure finally made you snap. The weight of the commission and the response of the public had gotten to you, the gossip magazines and random threats, the guilt you felt every time you pulled away from Hawks, every time you denied him a kiss, when you stopped yourself from saying you loved him back, finally taking its toll.

           Through it all, Keigo had stayed by your side. Letting you sob as much as you needed, letting you get out every emotion you needed to get rid of. He let you scream, cry, vent, and anything you needed, Keigo let you get it out of your system.

Through it all he would remind you that he loved you. No matter what anyone else thought, no matter who tried to get in his way, you were his home. The one who lit up his life and made every day worth fighting for.

And he was the same to you.

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           After that day, you had bounced back.

           It had taken time, and a lot of communication and work, but things were good again.

           You still had moments of insecurity and uncertainty, and so did Keigo, but you both worked through it. Showering each other in love and support, working on that communication you both had problems with, and he found himself thinking how his sky got brighter and brighter every day you were in his life.

           Yours did too.

And when you and Keigo were lying in bed, your head resting above his heart, faces flushed and heads still drunk on one another, you had looked at him with eyes that held nothing but adoration, adoration and love for him. He felt an overwhelming warmth wash over every part of him, his wings twitching in response, brushing against your smooth skin, pulling a sigh from your lips as you smiled.

He suddenly found himself wishing on every star that would listen that you would never stop looking at him and he promised, swore to each star that was listening that he would do the same for you. And as you pressed your soft lips against his once more, whispering an I love you, against his lips, Keigo felt true happiness.

           That’s when Keigo knew, he knew.

           The weeks before you had been happier than he had ever seen. Keigo noticed a glow that surrounded you whenever you walked into the room, one that seemed to glow brighter whenever you saw him.

           He felt like he was drowning in love and he didn’t ever want to resurface.

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           He didn’t see it coming.

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. 

           “I… H- Kei… I… want, I- I can’t.”

           “I’m, I-, I’m so sorry.”

           Those stuttered words, the look of pure pain on your face as you rejected his proposal. That image was going to haunt him forever.

           The silent room as you ran from the party, the looks of pity from those who supported you, and smirks of triumphant from those who didn’t, were all lost on him as Keigo immediately flew out of there too.

           He was crestfallen, he couldn’t, didn’t understand what was happening as he tried to process the silent tears that streamed down your face. His own expression mirroring the pain clear on his face as he felt his heart beat painfully in his chest as his ears refused to process the last thing he thought he would hear tonight.

           It was only when your shaking hands pulled him to his feet, numb fingers pressing a familiar red feather, a feather that had been on your person the entirety of your relationship, in his hand did it really hit him.

           The champagne glasses that were waiting to be used for celebration crashed to the ground behind you as he lost control in his moment of shock.  

           You would have made such a lovely bride…

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           His wallet felt like it was burning a hole in his pocket, the photo he kept of you in there felt like it was made of lead. Your smiling face as he kissed your cheek, a red feather dangling from your neck as Keigo held you like you were his world. It all felt so heavy.

           Though, it was nothing compared to the weight next to it.

Keigo’s free hand slipped into his pocket, fingers tracing the delicate black box that sat in there. Nestled inside was the ring he wanted to give you, the perfect ring, you would have loved it. It was a combination of old and new, the diamonds coming from his mother’s ring, while the band was something he picked out himself. You were the one that showed Hawks that he could still be regular Keigo Takami, and that his past wasn’t something to forget or what his future was dependent on. All he needed was you.

His flipped open the box and his index finger immediately went to the inside of the band, fingers tracing the words inscribed.

           to my brightest star, you’ll always be my home

           And as Keigo laid there, numb to the world around him, slowly, he removed his arm from his face and looked up the stars once more.  

・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

           “This is what’s best for everyone y/n, can’t you see that? You’re the one bringing Hawks down, and we know you love him. But you’re just not good for him.”

           “As you know, we at the commission are very… fortunate to have connections in many, many, places and while Hawks may be the fastest hero, there are limits to his power, as you very well know.”

           “So, I think we can come to an agreement, yes? You want to keep them safe don’t you? You know what you need to do.”

           And as the Tokyo view faded from your vision, you felt the final crack in your soul as you left the only person that was truly home for you.

You needed to keep them safe.

           Letting the final tears fall, you took a deep breath, wiping them from your cheeks and pressed a hand to your abdomen.

© novanekoma 2020

[undersero]

I m a g i n a r y F r i e n d

[part one]

Tetsuya Kuroko, Gender Neutral Reader

Warnings: DARK CONTENT INCLUDING depression, anxiety, loneliness, mentions of death and dying, the paranormal or supernatural.

DISCLAIMER: This work is intended for 18+ audiences only. Minors do not interact. Do not recommend this work publicly on any other social media platform. Read at your own risk, you are responsible for the content you come across.

It’s easy to feel alone when you’re an adult. Making connections is hard, especially since you’ve moved to your new place. The apartment isn’t bad, just old. Floorboards creak, the vents clunk and thump, and sometimes it gets a little chilly. Every home has its own quirks though. Nothing to worry about.

You’re more concerned, of course, with the fact that loneliness is eating away at your every waking moment. Work. Home. Dinner. Repeat. There’s no excitement to your day, little variation in your activities, nothing you can truly do.

It’s dismal and disillusioning. Some days, depression clouds your brain and muddles your movements. It softens the pains of your hunger, softens your need to stretch your legs, to get out and do things. Time doesn’t move fluidly, even less so in this old apartment.

But after a while, after a few weeks, you feel like you're not alone in your old apartment. This realization washes over you slowly. You can’t identify when these feelings started, when the hairs on your neck would stand up on end, or when a cold spot seemingly floats over your body. All you can recall is that, one day, you felt distinctly like you had company. Someone was in your sitting room with you, sitting alongside you on the couch, although the room was empty.

You weren’t scared. If nothing else, you felt relieved to know you weren’t alone in the world. Not alone in your apartment. Not alone in your life.

It’s a quiet camaraderie between you and your imaginary friend. The silent company is comfortable, like you’ve been accustomed to it your whole life, like the presence was a friendship that came simpler than breathing.

Your imaginary friend knew you so well, could read you so well. One day, standing in the kitchen whilst cutting vegetables, you idly wonder what their name is, if they have one.

“Tetsuya.”

The voice sends a shiver down your spine, feels like someone is speaking directly into your ear although it is soft, comforting.

And there’s a flash in your brain, like a photo of what he looked like.

Big, bright blue eyes with soft, sky blue hair. A kind face. He looked like a friend, and somewhere inside, this was how you always knew he looked.

And now, you saw him. He was there in the kitchen with you, watching you work, his quiet presence bringing immense comfort to your lonely heart.

Your brain is so wrapped up in the illusion that you don’t realize the name was whispered in your brain only, not out loud. In fact, it wasn’t even a question you’d asked out loud- Tetsuya, your imaginary friend, read your mind to answer your question, but this knowledge is lost in the comfort you feel from his presence. You don’t realize that you’re alone in your kitchen. No blue-eyed, blue-haired man is in your kitchen with you. There’s no silent friendship, no silent company.

From this point on, Tetsuya is with you always. It’s not weird that he never seems to leave. It’s not weird that he is there when you wake up, although he never seems to sleep, and while you notice others don’t seem to see him, this doesn’t bother you. The comfort his presence brings you, the assurance that you’re not alone, and this realization is enough to warm the icy ache of loneliness in your chest.

He’s your friend, after all. And nevermind the stigma around “imaginary friends”- didn’t matter that you were about 25 years older than most people who have them. It didn’t matter that Tetsuya further pulled you from reality and closer into life inside your old apartment, closer to him. But that was okay, of course.

You’ll die here, in this old apartment, if your imaginary friend stays at your side.

[geekout-f-t-w]

Okay I’m venting here because I need to say this somewhere. Feel free to keep scrolling if you don’t care about my opinion (which you’re not obligated to do so)

Jared did what he did. It wasn’t cool. It was unprofessional, unkind, and just a bad look all around. Especially what he said to Robbie. He handled his feelings in a bad way. And when that happens publicly people should expect the public to respond.

However.

He is human. And just like so many of us who go off in tweets at people saying stuff we regret later- we make mistakes. Some worse than others, but mistakes all the same. And yeah, when we get angry or upset over said mistakes people also say unkind things, it’s the knee jerk response. That’s fair, people can voice and express that hurt, too.

I just don’t understand why it has to come with the cruelty it has been. Or why people are so gleeful about someone else’s pain. Or why people’s spite has turned this into a wwiii level competition for how shitty they can be to this one dude.

First things first- We don’t know any of these men, not really, no matter how much we all parasocialize. Yeah, they’ve opened up to us a LOT but that really means jack diddly squat. So speculating/analyzing/assuming anything about anything that was said outside the public eye all needs to be taken with a huge grain of salt and not relied on like fact. (And frankly whatever happened between them aint our fucking business!) We don’t know if anyone did or did not apologize for anything, what drama or lack thereof is going on between them, or if others are or are not posting in relation to the “drama”. Ascribing any intent or meaning to anything any of them did is, in my opinion, not possibly accurate.

You don’t have to like Jared, you don’t have to respect him or trust him or any of that. But just a friendly reminder that when you treat him like the scum of humanity and only good for rude and cruel jokes… your followers see it. People like me who (yes, also parasocializing) see themselves and their own behaviors in Jared and what he did see the shit you’re saying and it hurts.

((Don’t even start with the “oh look you’re making it all about you just like Jared” b/c trust me I’ve already said anything you can think of to myself))

Sure he did something mean does that mean he doesn’t deserve a little empathy? He made a mistake but he’s still a person. Yeah he’s made them before, I get that too, and those were bad mistakes as well, I fully acknowledge that. But it doesn’t mean he doesn’t regret them after the fact. “He has millions of followers, he's obligated to behave better”. Oh yeah, I forget that when people become celebrities they waive all rights to sympathy and personhood.

Anyway I’m angry, and hurt, and upset, and I don’t understand how this fandom that used to stand for everything good about people (even with its bad apples) has just turned into every other toxic fandom to ever exist. This whole thing should not have been nearly as big of a deal as it is but holy shit it’s gonna be I guess.

Anyway these are my rambling thoughts, don’t know if I’m ever gonna log onto twitter again. ✌🏻️

[ofmermaidstories]

I know you're just venting your frustrations about writing and im sure it also bring you joy but i still feel someone needs to say: I love your writing and i appreciate it with all my heart, but if you ever feel you need to not do it again because it makes you genuinely miserable just know it's ok to stop and find something that doesn't hurt you! Also, everyone goes at their own peace, please offer your lovely self the same kindness you give others!

if it’s any consolation………. i would genuinely rather die than never write again, LOL.

im just

sulking

LOL

it’s less to do with writing making me miserable (everything makes me miserable in some regard LOL, it just differs on whether it’s a misery that i can enjoy because i know it’ll eventually lead to something — cooking and making a mess leads to dinner, but is worth it. staying in a friendship with someone who doesn’t listen to you and just takes and takes makes you unhappy, and isn’t) and more to do with my frustration at my own…. i won’t say inabilities, because that’s not the right word, but there is a perpetual gap between me and where i want to be, in my writing (as there would be for anyone who creates anything, i think), and somedays it seems more insurmountable than others.

and i think saying that kind of thing publicly tends to invite like, that knee-jerk habit we have as humans to want to reassure each other, to worry and want someone we like to take a rest, or find something else they might enjoy, for a while — but my dissatisfaction is burrowed deeply within me, it’s something i’ve always had, and something that’s sharpened as i’ve grown older and become more and more aware of as i gained like, critical thinking skills LOL. I think it’s a very natural part of being a ✨ 𝒸𝓇𝑒𝒶𝓉𝑜𝓇✨, unfortunately, and when combined with who I am as a person beyond that, it can kind of lead to… hmm, I guess a hyper-awareness of what I can and can’t accomplish. It’s that perpetual gap, and the only way to make things better is to try and equip my dissatisfaction — by training it, and trying to give it the tools it needs to try and swing across that gap — or climb its way out of it, if it falls.

(i say all this, but also…. i could just let all my electronics die and go live in the bush somewhere LOL. sit under a tree…….. that might be nice. until something bites me, anyways. but thank-you for the reminder to lend myself some grace, Anon. 🥺 i’m not the best at being soft with myself because i’m the only one i trust to be hard on me, when i need it — the only one i trust with the whip, LOL — but sometimes you just need to remind yourself that you wouldn’t do this to the people you love, so why would you do it to yourself? 🍊🌿✨)