#so if i was someone who did experience trauma/got triggered about this topic

[awakefor48hours]

In case this needs to be said: don't trauma dump in a stranger's tags. It's disrespectful and not something people really want to see.

[fatkish]

Heyy, i wanted to request a Eresermic im which Aizawa has a biological daughter, but she is being bullied and they noticed when she was already thinking in ending it all.

I understand if this is too dark, i just lived something similar and my parents blamed me, so some confort would be apreciared hahaha

Thankss, i love your writing 🩷

(Oh my gosh, this hits so close to home because this happened to me. My parents grew up in the era where if boys were mean to you it was because they like you. So when I begged them to do something about my bullies, they did nothing. Needless to say, my childlike innocence was the only reason why I’m alive. Although I may be doing better than I was back then, nothing can erase the trauma from the unintentional neglect from my parents. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ll be basing this somewhat off of my own experience and I’ll be putting it in the Pro Heroes x Inner Child Series)

Erasermic x Aizawa’s Bullied Daughter Reader

(TRIGGER WARNING: This story has mentions of bullying, harassment, allusions to suicide and suicidal thoughts, depression and other potentially triggering topics. Please be advised)

Since you basically have two dads, you refer to Hizashi as papa and Shouta as dad

Your quirk was called restraint. Basically if you called someone by their real, full name, you could temporarily restrain them as long as you focused on them

But just like your dad, you also had to be able to see your target

But unlike your classmates, you were a late bloomer. You developed your quirk at age 8, which led to you being bullied by your peers

You knew that your dad’s worked really hard and that their jobs were really stressful at times. So the last thing you wanted was to be another source of stress for them. Which is why you didn’t tell them about the bullying

You were 11 when you just couldn’t take it anymore. You tried to deal with the situation on your own, you tried to fight your bullies who even started making fun of your dad’s being a couple

You tried not to let anyone’s words affect you but after so many years, you started to believe them too. And you began to bully yourself

You would tell yourself that your dad’s already had enough stress on their plates and that you were just a burden on them. You had started to mentally and physically beat yourself up

The bullies had started to use their quirks on you, resulting in bruises which you would hide with makeup that your Aunt Nemuri had gotten you since you started to develop acne

Since your dads would get home late, you had plenty of time to get home and cover up any wounds

One day, you just had enough

You decided that you were better off dead. You decided that you would take your own life after you got home and would leave a note before leaving the house so your dads wouldn’t have to deal with the body

Unknown to you, Aizawa had gotten a call from one of your teachers who was concerned about you. She had seen you fighting and decided to give Aizawa a call since your grades and overall performance had declined significantly

Aizawa had informed Hizashi of the call and they decided to go home early and wait for you. They believed that you were going through puberty and the hormonal changes were effecting your performance and were the cause

Imagine their surprise when you get home, covered in bruises, a busted lip that was still bleeding and a completely dead look in your eyes

Seeing their precious baby in such a state they immediately started to worry and begged you to talk to them

They had prepared your favorite food for dinner and even got you your favorite dessert as a treat. Seeing how sweet they were, you broke down and confessed your pain and your plan

Hizashi was balling his eyes out and wrapped you in his arms while Aizawa had clenched fists with tears in his eyes.

Aizawa made the call to your school demanding a talk with the principal and the parents of your bullies. While Aizawa was setting that up, Hizashi had you sit on the couch while he tended to your wounds, disinfecting them, cleaning them and bandaging them

He told you that he loves you even though you’re not his biological kid, you’re HIS little listener, his favorite kid in the whole world. He then picked you up and smothered you in hugs and kisses

Aizawa came back into the room and brought the food

That night, you guys are on the couch as you snuggled together under a blanket and watch your favorite movie

The next day, Aizawa and Hizashi dropped you off at UA with Nemuri, while they had a talk with your teachers and bullies. They decided that homeschooling would be the best for you right now since they want to make sure you heal mentally, physically and emotionally from this before you go back

They had told Nedzu what happened and he agreed that for the meantime, until you were mentally stable again, the safest bet would be to have you do your homeschooling at UA where you’ll be surrounded by people who can help you and prevent you from doing anything detrimental to yourself

Needless to say, they love you and you are their whole world and you’re the reason why they fight to come home. You’re their motivation and the reason they fight to protect

(I hoped this helps you and that you guys enjoy this)

[rose-riot-johnson]

May I please request headcanons for Bruce, Damian, and Dick comforting their girlfriend who’s a cop after she has to face a man who kidnapped and tortured her in court?

I definitely will write about this request about Bruce, Damien, and Dick😁👍And for the rest the request I definitely will see what I can do with writing these ideas down😃

🦇His Concern For You After The Incident You Went Through🦇(All Characters in this fanfic x Female Reader)⭐All Characters Who Are In This Fanfic Are New For Me To Write About (And are all adults)⭐

Genres: Comfort and Possible Fluff (Trigger Warnings⚠️: Possible Mentions of Death, Mentions Trauma, Torcher, Wounds, and Kidnapped)

Bruce Wayne (Batman)

*Bruce is someone who may appear tough, however he does have a soft side for you, especially with everything (villain name up to the reader's imagination) has put you through. While he's glad he didn't lose you like he did his parents, he's still concerned about your well-being. So ofcourse he would ask if you're okay. After he did ask you, you will answer him (up to reader's imagination on how the answers him).

*Once you answered Bruce's question, he would then open up that the reason(s) why he asked, because he's worried about your well-being and while he knows you could handle yourself and all, at the same time you're very precious to him and his biggest fear is losing you like he did his parents when he was very little. After he finishes opening up to you about his feelings, he would then mention about not being the best at cheering people up, however he would mention about some romantic stuff and plenty of things that might cheer you up, while taking care of your wounds.

*Once Bruce managed to comfort you and cheer you up, he would walk you home. After you got back to your home, you would offer him to spend the night at your place, which he surprisingly accepted, considering, he gets more concerned with crime fighting and usually doesn't spend the night at all. When he accepted your offer, both you and Bruce would kiss eachother (then locking lips together) before the both of you cuddled together on your living room couch for the rest of the night.

Damian Wayne (Robin)

*After Damian rescued you from (villain name up to the reader's imagination), he took you to his place and not only he is concerned about your well-being, he is also focused on your wounds. While he takes care of your wounds he would apologize about everything you went through, especially with the fact you were severely torchered by (villain name up to the reader's imagination) (physically and phycologicaly), he would also praise you on how much of a good job you did handling yourself, despite of everything you went through.

*Damian would also mention about his experiences with his time with the Teen Titans, especially with Raven and her experiences and other stuff. He would also encourage you to not give up, just because of everything that happened to you. Once he finishes taking care of your wounds, he invited you to be outside with him to watch the stars, which you accepted his offer.

*While you and Damian watched the stars together for the night, he would have his right arm around you, while you're sitting next to him. The both of you would definitely watch the stars together, until the sun comes up. As the sun was rising the both of you fell asleep, while you're in his arms.

Dick Grayson (Robin) (Nightwing)

*Note: Not sure if you prefer the Robin version of Dick or the Nightwing version, so why not have a pic of both the Robin version and the Nightwing version😅😃👍

*Dick was very angry with (villain name up to the reader's imagination) for everything he did to you, however he was very sad for you. He knew you secretly blamed yourself for getting kidnapped and torchered in the first place. So, ofcourse he will assure you (and consistently reassure you) that it's nothing that happened to you is your fault.

*After Dick finishes up with the topic on why nothing that happened to you was your fault, while taking care of your wounds, he would change to topic and will offer to make a cup of your favorite warm beverage for you and you accept his offer he would be more than happy to make it up for you. If you do decline his offer, he will cook a meal for you instead.

*Once you finished drinking your favorite hot beverage or eating the meal dick cooked for you, he would set you up for a snuggle session of the night. He will hold you and pet the back of your head, even after you do fall asleep. If he does fall asleep while he's still holding you, he will definitely makesure to sleep with one eye opened.

The🦇End

I hope you enjoyed this head cannon(?) fanfic my Tumblr Peeps🦇😃👍As for you @sacredwarrior88 I hope I did well with the request, as well😁👍I figured I'd write this fanfic best as i could think of and I figured this request as a whole would be fun to do and I really wanted to write something very similar that you requested for a fanfic, so this was and is something I would definitely work with writing😁👍Sone of the things for this fanfic, I have written were definitely last minute, especially the wounds part😅As for Bruce's part, I figured I'd try to make extra special and I hope this fanfic, especially Bruce's part makes your day and/or night☀️🌞🌕🌝 🦇😃👍

[zivazivc]

I'm gonna take some time to digest and think about that comic before I come to a decision. The decision being whether to continue to support you or just leave you be.

If I decide to leave you be, just know that there are no hard feelings, okay?

You are on anon so I don't know if this is someone who I've talked to before, but either way, yes, no hard feelings. I completely understand. It's the internet, anyone can unfollow anyone for any reason, but also I know this is an uncomfortable topic and even triggering to some, and some people are just not here for that. I was contemplating posting it for a while for this reason.

I do kinda want to point out that the purpose was/is not to fetishize a relationship with a minor and I will never fetishize or glorify that ever. It's wrong and unhealthy even if there's no malicious intent present. (am pointing it out because I got a bunch of asks about it and I'm 🧍) But this is fiction, and I portrayed the scenes the way that I did mainly because I made the comic from Floyd's perspective and I wanted to get in his head and show what exactly he was feeling in that moment. If the end result makes you feel uncomfortable or "flustered" (I don't think I'm using the right English word) in a certain icky way, that was kind of the point and I believe should be a normal reaction from an adult.

I spent my high school years (normally 15-19yo, but it was more like 14-22+) living in a dorm in the country's capitol and I attended a vocational school for visual arts that is pretty notorious for having a drug problem (I'm talking about mostly weed) and being full of weirdos (students free and comfortable expressing themselves and experimenting with expressing themselves but weirdos is the used term lol). The dorm is also located very near the city's subcultural center (look up Ljubljana Metelkova if you want, it's kind of what I imagine the underground scenes the bandmates visit looking like) which is like a hangout place for subcultures like punks and metalheads and the lgbtq. Anyway coming from living my whole life in a rural village where I still played with toys to somewhere like that was an insane shock to me. I sometimes felt like a toddler around young adults in a big city. And it was whiplash for many other teens too, some of whom quickly fell into bad crowds and spiraled, often those who came from bad home situations or controlling parents (heck some even came from elementary schools already doing problematic things). The amount of rumors of things happening in that dorm and school (drugs, sex, messing around with older teens/adults, whatever)... (I'm not saying it was like a concerning percentage of students but it was happening) Some of these people who made some bad choices were and some still are my friends, some of whom still struggle with some things today and it's heartbreaking.

Anyway where I was going with this is that in high school I was always kind of the anti all of that (to the point it had the opposite effect on me where I didn't even try out the normal teenage things) and just thinking "what the fuck is wrong with these people?" And recently, when my headcanons for Floyd started going in the direction that they have, I started wondering the same thing. Just not in a judgemental way this time. More like I want to dissect this situation carefully and understand it from everyone's perspective and see what lead up to it. I've always been very fascinated by morally gray and dark fiction for this reason and this is right up that alley.

So yeah, this isn't for everyone, and I can't hold a grudge if anyone unfollows me for it. But what I'm doing here is inspired a lot by real life situations and my weird deep dives into articles about trauma and its effects (also pretty sure I'm also processing some of my own personal emotions through these blorbos but I am not going into that), and I feel like I'm taking a pretty realistic approach to it (if you ignore the fact that this is fucking Trolls). I'm just slowly exploring how a relationship between a teen who comes from a sheltered almost cultish upbringing (pop trolls live in a concentration camp and are dealing with the horrors by singing and enjoying every minute of their every day like life is a ticking time bomb) and a young adult who never got a chance to grow up because he never experienced a childhood and is suddenly being liked by someone for the first time in his life (I'll talk more about Les some other time), would develop into hopefully something okay for both of them. Because I do want them to both be okay in the end. And I'm sharing some of my brainworms online for anyone who's interested. I just can't share ALL of my brain worms and sometimes I forget that people don't have a view of what's going on in my head. Yeah... This answer became long for no other reason except that I can't sleep because I posted that comic, damn. That's what I get for dropping that bombshell on top of what was mostly fun "comedic" posts about the AU so far.

[confused-wanderer]

Fanfic writers, please show Jason and Dick’s turmoil towards Bruce. It doesn’t matter if the writings fluff or angst, I just want to see realistic repercussions of their time with Bruce.

Obviously, he was not the best father by a long shot. Hell, he never even knew how to parent, teach or take care of children, he just wanted to help. But the road to hell is usually paved by good intentions.

Bruce would’ve fucked up a LOT with Dick, never knowing when to be cautious or straightforward, kind or angry, especially to someone who’s suffered almost exactly like he had. Someone who’s seen his parents die, his world shatter and now is filled with vengeance and trauma. Someone who needs his attention, even on stupid matters while he’s going through his own battles of staring out as batman.

With Jason, he must’ve had a whole NEW problem. Jason’s experience on the streets, his niche triggers and responses to some mundane activities or phrases, Dick’s hatred towards him and Jason while also trying to make sure this one doesn’t get himself killed. With fear and frustration comes anger, and cold logic so I’m pretty sure there must’ve been a few instances to say the least where Bruce retorts with something out of anger or trying to get Jason to realise just how serious things are, only realising too late how much it affected him.

I want their hesitation and fear portrayed. How Dick hesitates to tell Bruce something about a topic that was sensitive when he was younger. The way he holds his breath, waiting for the onslaught of lectures and scoldings, or how he laments on something like “God I’m so careless how could I have missed that?” Which would have previously been met with “You are no detective, you need to do better, this could cost you your life.” But instead hears “it’s okay, we all make mistakes. You’ll get it next time, maybe a few practice rounds would help.”

How Jason gives up hopes of communicating with Bruce at all after the arguments they’d had in his childhood over everything and nothing. How nowadays he doesn’t speak much at all, and always answers in curt sentences, thinking Bruce would not have the time, care about unimportant details or not approve of activities. It’s why he hesitates on the edge of a panic attack or needs help to call Bruce, always keeping it as the last resort. But instead of hearing “I always told you to be careful” or “You could’ve avoided this..” he hears “How does it feel chum? I know it hurts, but how can I help?”

Because when Tim came, let’s be honest he saw Robin as a job. He didn’t give a flying fuck and thus remained relatively unaffected by Bruce. Not to mention with two robins, and Tim being Tim, Bruce could never really pick on things to actually hurt him. In time, sure he gradually saw Bruce as a father figure and they got closer, he still has a lesser fear and knowledge of Bruce’s behaviour.

Just a fic which shows Bruce trying, changing and not realising just how some things he did or said fucked up his children. How he tries to understand why, for the life of him, Dick never really talks about what’s really bothering him, or how he can help, or really anything about his life that he genuinely enjoys. Bruce lives for conversations with Jason, and keeps trying to remain upbeat and patient while he prompts conversations every time because he doesn’t understand why Jason has become just as quiet, if not more than how talkative and expressive he was as Robin.

Shit happened, and there’s nothing he can do to fix that, he knows that. But he doesn’t know what actions or words of his are actually ingrained in their minds. He doesn’t remember the emotional extent of how bad some things seemed. He might remember being strict with Dick, but he doesn’t remember how he had once told Dick that he would never feel the happiness like he did with his parents before when the kid had come crying to him on the anniversary of his parents shooting saying how much it hurts. He recalls being harsh with Jason when he had done incredibly reckless things trying to find his biological mother. He doesn’t remember telling Jason that maybe it’s a good thing that his mother doesn’t want to see him.

All I’m saying- Give me a fic in which through something, supervillain, mental breakdown - something that makes Bruce have that moment of realisation of how, no matter his intentions, feelings or context, he’s responsible for their fear of him. I want to see how he reacts to this revelation, his moments of panic, guilt and horror when he realises just how badly he fucked up. How he desperate starts trying to change himself, how he slowly tries to start building relations and starts being more patient, caring and considerate..because he truly loves his children, and he misses them.

[itsgivingfaggot]

Thinking about the time I went to this group therapy thing for a diagnosis I had gotten a couple months prior. But It started half a year before i got my name (& gender marker) legally changed. So I had to give the organization my deadname when signing up. This wasnt too much of a big deal, they used my actual name in therapy, my pronouns, didnt out me in the group or anything, things were fine.

Now after nearly completing the whole year of group therapy I overhead one of the women running it talking about a seperate group that sounded perfect for me, that they didn't seem to advertise in their flyers etc so I never had heard about it. So I decided to approach her after one of the last sessions and ask her about it. She seemed excited about me joining it but told me she would need to do a pre interview first. We set an appointment for maybe 2 weeks later.

Now, in the most vague terms, this was a group For Very Traumatized people. I show up to the sort of "interview" a little nervous, expecting questions abt my biography, effects of trauma I'm dealing with, how I'm coping with them, blabla. She basically opens up with "so I asked the other group members about a Man joining them, and when one of them expressed that she wouldn't be comfortable with it, I explained your situation to her!" With a big smile on her face. My "situation". She outed me to this random group of people I had never even met before. This group was not once meant to be a womens space. She simply should've given everyone the option to decide if they were comfortable with this. That's all. Not fucking outing me. For the woman who wasnt comfortable with me as a cis man? Sucks for her. But that doesnt mean this worker gets to potentially endanger me for that womans comfort. But of course she did.

So that's over. Can we finally get to the interview? Of course. However she opens up with "oh you know, I've just been super interested in how things were for you growing up. If you could tell me about that." I go "with the. Abuse?" She doesnt react. "....The autism?" "Oh, no no! The trans thing!"... I sit there a little confused. I give a short one or two sentence answer thinking we will move on to the actual topic of this group. But no. She keeps digging. What about your family? Did you have ~the surgery~ yet? How was school? What about your partners? What about your extended family? What about-

And i was unable to tell her to stop. I answered everything as vaguely as possible. But as a trans person you're always seen as fucking representative of every other trans person. You're not an individual you're either a walking advertisement for corruption or a fascinating oddity of a mystical group to disect and test and observe. If I had told her it's none of her business what's in my pants, it's not actually important to this group how my uncles reacted to me coming out? No I dont want to tell you in great detail the effects of testosterone on my body? Etc. Maybe she'd make a mental note of "trannies = rude and combative. Secretive. Dont want their ~allies~ to be educated about their experiences (why?!)" and I dont wanna be responsible for that in a setting where that person holds so much influence over someone's access to mental health care. So I mumbled my way through it.

In the end the "interview" for a fucking trauma group was 30 minutes of me being increasingly uncomfortable by being prodded over being trans, and roughly 5 minutes of her telling me about some rules in the group and asking a single question about how to best handle me when past trauma gets triggered. I ended up not joining anyways for mostly (!) unrelated reasons. But like. What the fuck was that. I dont understand how some cis people who are interested in trans experiences wont just like. Watch a fucking documentary. Read a book. Theres people who make it their lives mission to share their experiences. That Does Not Mean every random trans person you meet will wanna do the same.

Also again dont fucking out people without their consent. I cant believe we still have to say this oh my god

[system-of-a-feather]

(PUBLISHING OLD DRAFTS THAT ARE GOOD / INTERESTING; This was written in October 2023)

(TRIGGER WARNING: Discusses topics of trauma, psychological abuse, grooming and possibly some level of programming <- not sure if it counts but putting it in the TW just in case)

I don't know what the system's standards for this topic on this blog is so I will just directly say this is shit regarding our oldest sister who our therapist has acknowledged sounds uncomfortably like a "handler" which I agree with

But when talking to Riku and other parts about her behavior and her relationship with us, a lot of them get stuck in the fact that her actions and ways of "raising us" set the foundation for a lot of our strengths and things that made it possible to survive what we did

And thats very fair, that is very true. I absolutely agree and as a part that learned a lot about survival from her and uses modified versions of what she did to support, shape, and empower the system - I totally get it and its true. She did give us our fangs that saved our ass and our claws that let us climb our way up. It really is questionable as to whether we would have survived and got here if she didnt do what she did - hell I can say for a fact we wouldnt be where we are today if not for her because you know what?

All that trauma she gave us, all the predators she handed us to, all the fucked up shit we went through and over came are all important losses and victories that built us into the beast we are today. I am thankful in that sense for our experiences - good and bad - cause I, much like the rest of the system, love who we are today and I have no "what ifs" that I bother thinking about cause as far as I care, this is a stellar me to be.

With that said, even if she is partially creditted for making us into the Kings we are, even if she might have saved us over all, she's still the person who put us on a platter for predators and left us to learn or die. She is still the person that hijacked our already vulnerable, shit and garbage life and used us for her own entertainment, coping, security and curiousity. She's still the one that raised me like an attack dog enough so that I am deeply lycanthropic in mentality and cant escape it. She's still the one that took a severely and overtly mentally ill kid and realized it was fascinating and funny to see what weird things she could get us to believe, do, and control.

Of course most of us are prone to going "we totally agree and believe we are right in cutting her off and calling her our most insidious and probably worst abuser, but was she REALLY that bad? She did save us by giving us the knowledge that let us survive"

She was the only person who offered us anything. She was the only ally, that is true. But one can both be your only ally and still be the person that kills you.

Judas, Brutus, hell the statistic states the people closest to you are the most likely people to murder you.

Handlers gain your trust. Handlers give you safety you never had. Handlers give you care you need. Yes that aid may be what kept you alive for a bit longer, but there was never a promise of you living to pay the 'catches' of that and the hell and danger they put you through does not diminish by the fact they saved you once

One kind act does not outweigh years, hell a life of objectification, commoditization, and ownership.

If someone saves your life, you don't owe them 10 lives of loyalty, especially not when they risk your life several times.

[vendettavalor]

@tacticalvalor said: 🔥 / unpopular opinion -> shipping

⚔️ Munday Unpopular Opinions // ACCEPTING ⚔️

// Praying to God that this doesn't somehow end up in the main tags-

// Caution in the tags. This got long-

// Shipping 47 and Lucas is weird and gross. Like... there is no way to slice it that makes it plausible or okay. They are brothers. They view each other as brothers. This is not fanon or up to interpretation and I think that the only reason people play with the concept at all is simply because Lucas refers to himself as " 47's childhood friend" in the games rather than his brother- a fact that makes sense given the delicate situation in which simply saying that could be overwhelming for 47 who, you know, remembers nothing except the false memories of 6 Ort-Meyer implanted in his brain after the memory wipe.

// But in the comics, which are canon material and relate to the WoA trilogy, the two of them refer to each other as brothers, interact like brothers, and clearly view each other as very close siblings even well into their early adulthood. Until Ort-Meyer wiped his brain, 47 knew Lucas to be his brother. That alone should be enough dissolve any sort of romantic implication between the two. But if you wanna take the biology route, yes- they share the same DNA from the same five people. It's not an exact match, but even if they were exact clones, that wouldn't make it better. They're still biologically related and very closely at that, in addition to being very close socially in a sibling-type bond. Trying to imply that there's some sort of inherent romantic or sexual connection between them now just because they haven't seen each other in 30 years is... strange and creepy to say the least.

// And sure, you could make the argument that "47 is a completely different person" and yeah. He is. But he's still not the kind of person who would fuck someone he barely remembers and is just beginning to recall sharing traumatizing experiences with, least of all if that person is someone he refers to as his brother. And even still, Lucas clearly hasn't changed all that much and regards 47 as his brother just as much now as he did when they were kids.

// I don't know what it is with people looking at clone characters in media that clearly regard each other as brothers and somehow coming to the conclusion that they'd be they'd be "secretly romantically or sexually involved." Except I do know. It's porn-brain, influenced by the copious amount of content revolving around incestuous relationships between siblings and step-siblings that lead people to distort their perception of familial bonds in such a way that they fetishize any connection between two individuals, regardless of the fact that they share a sibling relation. But knowing that fact does not make it any less disturbing or disgusting.

// And I know that topics like this always draw in the Devil's advocates so lemme just jot down real quick:

"If you don't like it, don't read it" - I don't look for it. But people writing this stuff hardly tag their shit properly so here we are. I worry for people who do have triggers for topics like this and click on fics not knowing what they're about to read.

"It's just fiction" - It always is until it isn't. The amount of times I've heard horror stories of people being intimately abused bc their partner saw something in porn and tried to just apply it IRL without asking/consent bc porn has normalized it in their mind as being hot for everyone is horrifying.

"Just let people have fun" - No one's saying you can't have fun. But maybe you should be asking yourself why you feel attacked when people tell you that fetishizing sibling relationships and perpetuating harmful sexualization of innocent interactions might be a bad idea.

"People are allowed to write dark topics" - I agree. But the issue is not the topic itself, it's how you handle it. Of course you can write and explore topics like incest and trauma and their impacts. The issue is when you fetishize, romanticize, and glamorize them instead of treating it with the tact it deserves. These are not topics to make light of or sexualize for your own gratification/fantasies.

"Some people write this stuff as a coping mechanism" - The term for this is known as Expressive Writing. Expressive writing is using journaling, poetry, or personal storywriting in order to process, express, and work through the feelings left behind by traumatic experiences. It's typically done under the guidance of a therapist and is focused on feelings, not descriptions. This is because writing out vivid descriptions can take you back to that place and force you to relive the trauma before you might be ready to do so. Graphic descriptions can also impact the mental health of those around you if it's not done in tactful way. Putting yourself through that actually hinders your recovery from the trauma. So in short, writing graphic depictions of trauma is an unhealthy coping mechanism that can contribute to retraumatization and exposes others to material that they might not be prepared to engage with.

[the80srewinders]

Debunking Systemscringe

(I know its gonna be hard, especially with how contradictory they are, but this has to be done, and someone's gotta do it.)

Systemscringe: "You can't have other disorders and have DID/OSDD!"

Actually, you can, and its very common because of DID/OSDD developing from early childhood trauma. Personality disorders are also posttraumatic, and many people with DID have them. The most common co morbid disorder (besides ptsd) with DID/OSDD is borderline personality disorder. This is kind of expected because bpd and DID/OSDD are somewhat similar according to the theory of structural dissociation. People with DID/OSDD also are often born neurodivergent, usually autism and adhd, but because children with intellectual disability get abused (usually sexual abuse) at a high rate yet slip under the cracks in psychology and abuse awareness, theres definitely many people with intellectual disability and DID/OSDD studies havent acknowledged yet. People with DID/OSDD also have physical health issues caused by stress, some have more of these than others. For example, we have a weak immune system and digestive issues caused by stress. If someone says they have DID and then also lists a disorder salad, it might be true.

Systemscringe: "You can't have fictives/be fictive heavy!"

Yes, people with DID have been shown in a few case studies to have fictives. Science actually proves its possible. How DID/OSDD develop is proof enough fictives are possible; DID/OSDD develop from disorganized attachment (usually caused by abuse, always caused by trauma) the child needs comfort figures in times of trauma and stress, so if the child is into any media (especially if the child has autism) then that child will more than likely develop a fictive. Same applies to factives of celebrities and friends or positive family. If the DID/OSDD system is autistic, their chance of being fictive heavy is high because autistic people often engross themselves in fiction and thats where theyll find comfort in, thus developing fictives under stress or trauma.

Systemscringe: "Littles aren't supposed to be treated like children because youre all different parts of one person."

Littles function on the level of a child and often have the internal appearance of a child. They are often trauma holders of what happened to the body around that age, stuck in trauma time parts with that probably explaining their age, and often are just like actual children. They can get triggered by mature topics especially when theyre trauma holders of sexual or severe verbal abuse trauma and have the mental functioning of a child. Treat littles like children not because theyre "innocent little trauma free parts that need to stay clean uwu" but because they probably hold trauma and are on the level of a small child. You wouldn't trigger a singlet child who just got called a slur, its the same thing.

Systemscringe: "You can't have 100+ alters!"

Uhm, we're standing right here? We have 100+ alters. Its not something we enjoy, especially me the host, I am working toward integration of the alters who agreed to it. Us systems with 100+ alters often have more fragments than defined full fledged "personalities" because alters require enough life experience and fronting to develop a full fledged identity. Systems with 100+ alters usually went through trauma that was too severe for them or continuously traumatized even into adulthood. There's documented cases of 100+ alters. RAMCOA survivors with DID tend to have 100+ alters. Which leads me to my next systemscringe myth...

Systemscringe: "RAMCOA isn't real!"

Again, we're standing right here? RAMCOA is real. It's not the satanic panic shit. RAMCOA is a term for ritual/religious abuse, mind control and organized abuse. All three of these have broad meanings, which means RAMCOA is more common than you think and many people have been through RAMCOA that don't consider it such because they only know misinformation and stereotypes about it. Being verbally abused or shamed frequently by the church is religious abuse, being forced to conform to a cult (satanic ritual abuse and sexual abuse by a cult not included) can be ritual abuse and being abused by one or more teachers and principals at an elementary school is organized abuse for example. RAMCOA isn't always the dramatic sacrifices and being sold from stranger to stranger without knowing your own parents. We're survivors of domestic sex trafficking; the body was sexually abused for the sexual abuser's drug money and there was more than one person involved besides the only one who sexually abused and programmed us. The abuser lived with us. A lot of people haven't heard of domestic sex trafficking because society is so focused on the child sex trade and children being kidnapped and sold to sex trafficking rings. Survivors like us fall into the cracks. I could and will write a different post on RAMCOA since we're a survivor of it and have a lot to say about it but I'll keep it at that for now.

Systemscringe: "You can't have dyed hair and listen to alt/emo/indie and dress like an eboy or you're faking!"

How someone dresses doesn't mean they're faking. We wear wigs, fake hair clips, and even use temporary dye on our hair, we listen to almost exclusively classic rock from the 70s and 80s (including the "emo" bands like Depeche Mode and The Cure) and different alters have different styles. We don't exactly fall into the eboy or egirl aesthetic but some of us come close. We're definitely not faking. We have a professional diagnosis that has been validated by every psychologist we've seen since diagnosis, and the differences that show DID are there in our brain scans. We've even had the brain waves associated with dissociation spotted on an EEG before we even knew what DID was or that we have it. Dissociation actually is associated with different brain waves and I can find the study about it.

There's more myths they've made, but I'll leave it at that for now.

[sword-dad-fukuzawa]

sorry guys it's been a day or two so i have a couple thoughts on that disk horse. i think there's an interesting conversation to be had about how people like to use "this makes me uncomfortable" as a weapon. i don't know where it came from or why it's here (i'm no sociology major or anything) but i think it's...well.

i mean i'm not gonna lie, i think it's annoying. my opinion made you uncomfy? then it wasn't for you, OR maybe you should examine why that opinion sets you on edge. is it your trauma? because for the person who got on my ass, it was uh. pretty definitively. trauma.

and it was trauma they tried to project onto ME for some reason. "i'm sorry you got groomed" when...i haven't. i mean certainly the internet hasn't always been kind to me, and certainly i've had my fair share of Bad Sexual Experiences but...i've never gotten groomed.

grooming is a terrible thing that shouldn't happen but it's also specific. there was nothing in my original post that suggested i'd been groomed.

i don't know if the word has been diluted to the point where people don't know "grooming" is specifically when a person establishes an emotional connection to someone (almost always a kid) in order to make them ok with sexual abuse later.

this has not happened to me. nothing in my post suggested this had happened to me. when you're "uncomfortable with the wording of my post" to the point of trying to patronizingly inform me that this had, in fact, happened to me, you're just...fuckin wrong.

i don't think you're uncomfy with my opinion because i'm advocating for something shitty and unjust. i think you're uncomfy with my opinion because of terrible things that happened to you (and that for some reason, you saw fit to inform me of...as a gotcha moment?)

and i think you're conflating "this person's opinion is a Harmful Ideology" with "i have issues surrounding this particular topic and discussion of it that doesn't take into account My Experience is triggering."

because they were definitely triggered (in the mental illness sense not the AHA GET TRIGGERED LIBERAL) sense. they had follow-up posts talking about how scared and freaked out they felt. that is not a normal reaction to seeing an opinion you disagree with.

my point being is that really, i'm just a guy on the internet this person doesn't even. know. i randomly got rb-ed onto their dash. and for some reason they thought i was trying to attack them and Their Trauma when my post wasn't. about them at all. which is irritating.

all this to say i don't really have a strong conclusion here, it was just an annoying interaction and i think you should think before writing an essay about how "harmful" someone's opinion is. is it harmful or did it just harm you, specifically, even though it wasn't meant for you?

[someoneimsure]

hey idk what's going on but i hope you're ok. i can't say i'm here for you if it's like, too heavy a topic but i'm down to distract ya or something if ya ever need it.

I really needed to talk about this apparently. So I'm going to ... talk about it and just talk about my experience with being triggered. And knowing someone is listening does help, strangely. It also might help distract with it, idk. I don't mean to overwhelm this ask but I hope it gives some context as to what was happening and that it helps other people who go through something similar.

I am a little embarrassed to talk about this and almost put all of this under a read more, but I think that might also make it worse so. Apologies for the long post.

What triggered everything is, it's--I can't say it's stupid because that makes the situation worse. It was not stupid. But it felt "stupid".

Basically, I was thinking about something to write about (a personal experience turned into a viligante!reader snippet for tumblr) only to then experience very random--okay, not really random, but seriously intrusive thoughts about my biggest traumas all at once. I was so upset that I felt I needed to leave tumblr temporarily because I believe some BS on tumblr caused it and it was--it was not stupid, my reaction to it was not stupid, but it felt "stupid" because it was a significantly delayed trauma reaction and the situation really didn't call for such an--It's not stupid, but it felt "stupid".

First time I've experienced that in a literal decade. It was horrible. Half of my brain was super pissed off about it, about myself, about my body, which did not help the part of myself that just kept spiraling down a deep dark rabbit hole of nausea, dread, and shaking. It was like a dragon stomping around in the brain while the rest of me was tumbling down a very steep mountain. It caused a lot of emotional pain and the heavy blankets I used would not work.

So I stepped off tumblr. Tried the heavier heavy blanket, which also didn't work. And discovered I couldn't write. So nothing changed.

So I went back to tumblr because there was nothing I could do to change my situation and just... talked about it? Sort of? More like complained about my body--which is not stupid, not my fault, it happens sometimes, I'm okay.

So I posted that I was experiencing something horrible and clearly it's--it was not stupid, but it felt "stupid", and the part of myself that was angry and furious and yelling about it was fighting the part of myself that was starting to seize my heart in what felt like a fist covered in iron needles. Which is the indicator that one of my worst anxiety attacks was starting, which always turns into me lying down on the floor wait for hours for the heart pain to stop.

And then I saw the responses on tumblr. And responded to them. And I felt better after posting and acknowledging that people had noticed and I realized it was Not Stupid like my brain kept telling me. The angry part of me shut up. Then I got more responses. I responded to those as well and acknowledged them, and fuck therapy works guys. I almost felt normal. The heavy blanket was working again.

So what could have been a potential trip to the hospital has turned into a learning experience and I am sooo much better now, omfg. I am also extremely exhausted and tired, haha. But I feel almost normal again. That is such a relief. I cannot express my gratitude enough for everyone who reached out and helped me.

Sorry if this is too heavy. Putting the experience into words helps me contextualize it and even feel better about it, strangely enough. I'm gonna maybe write a reader!vigilante snippet that covers the feelings aspect and how it was resolved but with the BatClan. It might turn into something longer, though I probably will not post unless someone expresses interest.

Thank you sincerely for the ask. <3

[ahalal-uralma]

I saw this video

https://youtu.be/3rJwrwlWyLI

Thought I'd share it with you...perhaps it will be a message you need to see or ignore it ;). She has great info.

Sharing in case anyone else needs it.

I know how she feels and has felt growing up an abused child.

I am going to dive deeper into a very sensitive topic, so please do not read what I have to say if it's going to be upsetting or triggering.

I do not want to be responsible for bringing up anyone's trauma to the surface, but if it helps anyone out there to know they're not alone--then, people deserve to know they're not alone and be reminded of that. Abuse is a very isolating experience and does leave you feeling lonely and misunderstood as a result. I hate having to say that I understand, but I really do understand.

It's honestly going to be a bit uncomfortable to open up on some experiences, however vaguely I'll put them. I really do not wish to be asked further about them, so please respect that. It really gives me a lot of anxiety to think on the subject.

I'm only sharing within reason it'll remind someone they're not a monster for going through abuse and they don't deserve it. There is possibility to survive and recover and I won't coddle anyone's feelings and give them purely ideological expectations on the matter--it's not easy for all of us, but it is possible for all of us.

I don't consider myself an ideology of escape and recovery, personally. So I hope reading any of this that no one builds those fantasies and high expectations of me. I'm still recovering. It's been over 15 years and I'm still healing. Everyone has their own pace. Just do not give up your pace is the main thing here I want to relay.

Abuse really does make you more afraid to speak up and seek aid from strangers and friends alike. It can make you afraid of other family members or medical professionals. It can make you mistrust anyone in anyplace. Anyone. Anywhere where your perceptions feel potentially challenged or threatened. Domestic violence enforces fear and trust issues of people. I remember being afraid of teachers and classmates often as a child. Most people scared me. I did not keep a lot of friends growing up. I wasn't even allowed to have them.

I remember having to lie about and hide the few friends who cared about me. I had literally one friend from the age of 4 till 13 only ever visit my home and she had to do so as a form of strategy. Most kids I would tell never to bother hanging out with me. They thought I was this anti-social monster. But, I just wanted to keep them safe. Most of them would not go the lengths she did to spend time with me.

Creating social barriers often resulted in abandonment. There was one time my abuser came home too early and screamed at my best friend to get out of our home--he almost lashed out and hit someone else's little girl in front of me--I want to say she was only around 5 years old at the time--my mom got beaten in front of me as a result instead. She shouldered the blame so I wouldn't get hurt, too. My friend's mom was there and shielded her as they fled crying. Even after that scary incident, they would risk visitations in secret. They were that loyal. I didn't try to find my confidence till my teen years in general when it came to finding friends or establishing my identity as a person.

It took me a long time to want to rebel and even by then it didn't come without obstacles or major risks. I have a dislocated rib-cage that never properly healed and I do not like talking about it a lot even into adulthood. I sustained that injury on my sixteenth birthday. It is very hard to this day not to replay the events of that night alone, because it felt like hell on earth. It should have been a milestone in my youth, but instead it's a day I want to forget and need to overcome. It is not good for me to replay it. However, it is no less important. I could have died if I didn't kick my abuser off and let that part of myself that was afraid to defend itself break first. It's a day I became brave for the first time in my life and that will always be beneficial to my existence. I'm my own hero and it's important to remind myself I'm capable of being so.

They really teach you to fear self-defense. You are taught that you are the bad guy and problem if you want to feel safe and protected. It really should not be the case, but it is for many of the abused.

Your abuser will gaslight you to hell and back. You know, when I had the authorities called--my abuser tried to spin the situation and lied to them that I was the abuser and hit him? He tried to gaslight me right in front of them and tried to tell me my perceptions were false and that he didn't even touch me?

But, I was the only one with sustained injuries, since I was the one being punched for fifteen minutes into the ground. They were the one trying to break my bones and blame me, because I was the villain for trying to kick them off and they really tested making me doubt what happened to me. That's how abusers are--they want you to doubt yourself and your own mind. It's unhealthy. It's behaviors like this you have to anticipate and you do have to learn to prioritize yourself--I had to learn to prioritize myself over a family member.

You might think that having him arrested was a quick fix to my problems growing up, but you would be mistaken about that.

I was still living with a person who has a varied history of abusive relationships. I do not blame them, but it is hard being a child who has to live with the decisions of someone that is a repeat victim (because, that was their normal). It is no negativity towards or against them--because, I will always love them as they love with all of their heart and they have nothing but good intentions and of their own merit are the best parent a child could ever wish for--but it doesn't make my own experiences any easier in dealing with the people they welcomed into our life, because those people were not the best.

It meant I got to live with a man who would be starving me for years to come while he was gaslighting and abusing them. It meant meeting another man who would be rotting in prison to this day for being a statutory rapist and pedophile. It's not easy overcoming evil. It is a constant effort of will power and self-accountability.

I don't mean self-accountability in the sense that we should hold ourselves responsible for the abuse or in placement of the abuser themself--but, we are responsible for our own healing. That is a major task for everyone who endures and survives. We owe it to ourselves to heal and succeed, because our healing and success won't be delivered on a silver platter. Society can flower us with pretty words of pity all it wants, but society isn't responsible for our skin and how we live in it. Pity won't help us recover from trauma. Pity is about as beneficial in feeling as throwing a tiny bandage meant for a blister on a severed limb. I have so many thoughts about the subject of pity and how often it is used to be conflated with empathy--they are not the same. We always need empathy, but we do not always need pity. Fine line.

Manipulation can make being in the presence of your own abuser (even though you know everything they are doing to you is painful, scary and even potentially dangerous to your core survival) seem safer and more familiar. This is especially true if you're a child growing up in an abusive household; because, you don't have a time-frame for comparison to a "before" the abuse existed. You are being born and raised into abuse.

People outside of your home life can tell you, "what is happening to you isn't normal," all they want to, but you wouldn't know if you can believe them.

We are all told not to trust strangers easily; because, you're taught that normal and safe is your family. You are taught the people who raise you are tasked with forming your ideologies and you rely on them to develop you and the environment around you, since you are too young to do so yourself. You're taught by default of society that family is what is most important in life and that's who you have to always differ to. When someone reaches out and states, "this is not normal and you need help"--it leaves you with more questions than answers, like what makes you less deserving of a family that you can differ to? Why are you here then? And your abusers will likely have anticipated this and have already manipulated you into rejecting help, either by convincing you that you did something to deserve the abuse or otherwise by threatening your well-being even further. They are not right, but in your mind as an abused child you don't have a higher power teaching you that they're wrong. Your family is your highest power in your mind.

There are a lot of people who can not empathize with abuse victims and can not put themselves in our shoes to understand why we endure it all--if it's all your familiar with, and you're manipulated into believing that change and positivity are the enemy, it can be extremely hard to get away. Never mind if you face obstacles like age limitations or financial hardships. Something to learn and remember.

Abuse isn't that black and white. It is not that easy for everyone to just leave or even speak up. As she said from her own experiences in the video, sometimes speaking up can lead to danger. It doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but there needs to be a balance of nuance and patience in finding help. We can't give into pressure and be chaotic about it. Guilt tripping victims into finding help is so dangerous.

I remember my first solid effort of escape from abuse to a friend's home at 17 years old backfired. Unfortunately, I lived in an area with bad cops. I was thrown under house-arrest by the authorities, forcing me to even be more trapped with my abuser (not the same one as the one who broke my rib cage) and I was told I deserved abuse as a form of discipline, that I would never amount in life to being anything but a raped and impregnated homeless whore and if I tried to resist my circumstances than I would be thrown into a juvenile prison. Nice.

This was what happened to me for trying to run away and ask a family for help. That is what happened when I looked for help in a chaotic manner, because strangers with no incite told me it should be as easy as just asking anyone, but it isn't always. That's how it was handled for me. HOWEVER--there was intervention. It didn't come immediately, but it did come and I accepted it.

If it wasn't for specific family members intervening...lord in heaven, life would have been even more unbearable than it was. At least for longer if not indefinitely. Being a legal adult in another year would have given me a chance at freedom potentially if I obeyed the house arrest till then, but it also meant I was stuck with someone who was denying me food and wanted to stab me until that time.

Oh, and my grades in school were tanking naturally and I was dodging being failed and expelled (over how I was dressing and potentially appeared in the year book, ahem) before I moved.

If you're wondering how I managed in my new home and school...I was sailing with honor roll and got accepted into the first college I applied for. I felt very fortunate to be in a loving home with improved conditions. So take that mean cops! And we're not on the streets or a parent. Thank you very much. It really is the little things sometimes that can feel bigger. Being in a safer and loving home really does make a vast difference on a person's continued development.

Experiencing domestic violence is not as simple as "this person keeps calling me names or hitting me," it is a lot more nuanced and damaging than either of those situations combined.

Domestic Violence ruins your capability to perceive everything: people, places, time, history... your very perceptions on reality and boundaries are being compromised, and even if you're among the lucky one's to escape your abuser and seek professional treatment, people need to realize that that process is intimidating for the survivor and the challenges brought on by the abuse do not abruptly halt just because the abuse that initially created them did. It takes time to heal and to accept the healing process.

Abuse creates a lot of very deep physical and psychological damages that can take months to years of a person's life to recover from--and just being realistic, even when we reach our best goal of recovery, there will always be a small piece of us haunted by the experiences of that abuse. After a long period, it stands the risk of becoming a very integral part of how you shape your mentality, priorities, beliefs, ethics, etc. on what you like or dislike about life and all of the people surrounding you in existence. Your abuser consumed your time and energy. They dominated your identity and personal space. That time-gap where your abuser was surrounding your choices and dictating your personal experiences--that is very significant and impactful on your psyche and it doesn't entirely disappear.

We have to unlearn their lessons and create our own reality the best we can. That takes a lot of will power and effort to do. It means risking communication that is unfamiliar. It means we have to learn to cope.

[the-coping-dragon]

As someone who has Trauma about Penises, I don't have any sympathy left for the "well, that genital is traumatic for me" argument that transmisogynists use. I haven't had sympathy for years, since I was 19 and just learning that I wasn't the only queer person in my area and I wasn't alone and that I had a personality hiding under 19 years of trauma.

Penises used to be very triggering for me. I didn't like hearing about them or seeing them depicted or remembering they exist. And when I needed to shelter myself away from them, to heal, I did the best I could to avoid the topic and only approach it on my own terms if I was willing to do so.

And slowly, over time, I healed. I understand genitals can be scary after trauma. Cars can be scary after a car crash. Dogs can be scary if you've had a bad experience with them. It doesn't help if you have assholes in your life who think it's funny to scare you.

I'm pretty neutral/positive about penises now. At first, I got used to medical depictions. Then, plain strap-ons. Then, dating a trans man, I got used to realistic packers. Slowly, my brain stopped associating penises with trauma.

I still have some lingering negative feelings but only about the one that hurt me. It hurts me greatly to put those thoughts in the forefront of my mind, but I do so now because I want to explain my current experience with penises. I've come to see all the others as neutral by default, at worst. I find beauty in them. I find grace. Gentleness. Softness. Tenderness. It is the same way I view palms and necks and folds of fat and heartbeats. If I find sexual joy in them, including with things like roughness or power, it is only with my consent.

They are not that different from hands, or heartbeats. They aren't made for any moral stance. They simply exist as part of us, and we give them meaning with our experiences.

I haven't had sympathy for the transmisogynists using the argument since I learned that they were transmisogynistic. I didn't learn that through a lesson presented to me. I learned they are transmisogynists by pondering their experiences, words, actions, and effects on the world, and how they adjust (or do not adjust) their behavior to coexist with the people around them.

It's worth noting that trans women can be very traumatized by their own body. When I was very uncomfortable with the idea of penises, I noticed that some trans women had the same feeling. They didn't want any reminder of them, either. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I see little facial features that I share with the person who hurt me. It haunts me. It feels like I am trapped in some traumatizing shell that I can never escape.

I noticed that feeling exists in some trans women about their own bodies. It isn't a good feeling. When I got on testosterone, I did so despite my fear that I might see my face change to closer resemble my triggers. Instead, I simply saw *my* face. The shape of my own eyebrows is a comfort because they are mine. The wispy hairs on my chin make me happy because they're mine. I am allowed to exist in this body and enjoy it. He doesn't get to ruin that for me, too.

I experience dysphoria over areas of my body, but not the parts that have changed on testosterone. But, to be trapped in a body where trauma and dysphoria are woven together... That sounds like hell. It sounds like hell to have people make laws saying you aren't allowed to change into someone easier to see in the mirror.

It is hell, for me, to have my rights cut away, the blades cutting closer and closer to my body. I want the right to let my body become more masculine. I find peace in the mirror now.

Trans women deserve the same right to find peace in their reflection, and to distance themselves from the trauma and dysphoria of their form. If a woman feels neutral about her body, but still wants to change it to feel happier, no laws should stop her.

I haven't elaborated on the complicated traumas that trans women experience because I am not a trans woman and do not possess the knowledge needed to elaborate. If you seek some further knowledge, I recommend being aware that trans women can experience trauma the same way cis women can. They are vulnerable to being hurt by someone else in the same way. I also recommend being aware that it is a good thing to be able to love your body. Women deserve to love their body. If a woman loves her body, it's a good thing. If her body is triggering for you, it doesn't mean she should be ashamed.

I have other triggers. Little things like aprons and forests and colors. Other people find joy in these things, and I don't try to stop them. Maybe one day I won't be afraid of aprons, either. Maybe one day I can exist in a group of trees without adrenaline pumping through my veins and making me precisely aware of every potential danger. Maybe one day I can wear an apron, or go on a walk through some woods, and only feel peace.

The universe is meaningless, except for the meaning we give it as individual sentient organisms and as a collective society and as a worldwide ecosystem.

Telling someone "I don't want to date you, because your body is inherently traumatic for me," is a cruel thing to say, even/especially if it's true. It can be traumatic to hear. I've always been very quiet about my own sexuality, for fear of it hurting another. Straight women fear people like me. They don't want me in the bathroom or changing room with them. They fear me the way I fear men, and it breaks my heart to know the world has been cruel to them and taught them fear, and it breaks my heart to know they worry I will hurt them. I turn myself into a golden retriever. I turn myself as soft and harmless and small as I can be. I leave my glasses on, because I need them to see, but in high school, when I was especially afraid of being seen as some sort of demon, I would take them off around any peers who might be hurt if they thought their form was visible to me.

But don't I have a right to exist, too? Where am I allowed to pee? Where am I allowed to try on clothes in the store? Where am I allowed to wash my hands after retying my dirty shoes? As my body changes from testosterone, I find myself asking these questions more and more. Society wasn't designed for people like me, and there isn't a place I belong. People will always argue about where I belong, because they didn't make a place for me. I try to make a place for myself. It's the best I can do. I need somewhere to exist.

There's no way I can know the experience of a trans woman--not comprehesivly, not absolutely. I try to understand, but I don't even need to understand. I am compassionate without understanding, most of the time. But it does help to try.

When I carve a place for myself in society, I carve it wide enough to hold others like me. I carve it wide enough to hold people who struggle in the same manner me, not regarding if they struggle less or more, in frequency or intensity. I hope others can take shelter in the places I make for myself. I hope I managed to carve myself a home, too, that fits all of the ones I love.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Iii... forgot to answer you,,,, sorry it was 3 am back then so i fell aspeep. Anyway

I write like that so it's easier to read and switch between topics, i can go on long rambles too but it's just easier to talk about different things like that:]]]<-<-smug face of someone who is so so mentally ill and definitely not neurotypical

Second

*applauds* You Go Boy!!!!

Unfortunately i am also a pleople pleaser buuut i am completely spineless in that regard:(

About the forth...

Don't you hate when you try to respond to something and then realize a bunch of things involving your trauma? Yeah.

Literally my reaction. I dunno, in sum i just throught i have been showed aside and told am annoing a lot and realizing that much more damage was done to me while writing a reply to a neat tumblr fella is, um. Definitely a new experience that stunted me for an hour.

Thank you for the compliment, i think you're also а very nice and, obviously, a silly guy:]

Fifth..

Welp i should probably improve on my writing, but all the Issues SUCK and generally i cant right now, i have too much on my plate despite being sick at home- i have to go to work out tomorrow and then on monday i probably will be forced to go to class, regardless of how i am feeling

Rude people need to shut it, you're putting out vontent for free and they should skip looking at it or be grateful.

You shouldn't give in, tho:(. Ppl will just get used to be entitled all the time and demand more

!!! Couple things!!

1. Dont ever apologize for falling asleep! it happens to the best of us and it wasnt like a heavy or serious conversation was going on!! You get that rest, especially since you're a lil sick!!

2. I get what you're saying 😭😭 I got a nasty habit of getting off topic and derailed a lot so being able to separate my stuff into segments help a lot (even if sometimes I leave a topic half touched SOBS)

3. (Points) one day things will get better and you'll be able to stand up for yourself and put your comfort first!! It's hard at times, hell its still hard for me, but it takes time.. and sometimes you will falter and (for lack of a better word) regress.. but I believe in you! A set back will not condemn you!!

4. I understand that too :( did something happen, or did someone do something :(? I'm so so sorry you were exposed to something that had set off some discomfort.. remember that if something triggers your trauma or even just makes you uncomfortable, you have all the right to disengage !! Take care of yourself and your mental health!!

5. You're not annoying, and as I've already said you seem really nice n silly!!!!!

6. Take your time improving your skills, this goes for anything and everything not just writing! Pushing too hard can lead to a burnout and a loss of passion. and that truly sucks, and it can be hard to reignite that love again (source, its happened to me a handful of times)

6. Yeah people can be entitled with fandom creators; both in art and in writing, I think. A lot of people really need to learn to hush up, and if something isnt to their standards or matches their hc then they should just make their own stuff instead of being rude... alas entitlement exists

[eldritchsurveys]

1143.

November 2023 Survey by foxandforest

What is something you do to take care of another person (this can be as simple as sharing your Netflix account)? >> uhhhh .__. hm

Have you ever experienced something that some people who haven’t experienced it deny its existence, yet you KNOW it exists (e.g., lucid dreaming, ASMR, etc.)? >> most of the stuff that I Know about myself is stuff that is unquantifiable and therefore prone to others' scepticism. also I had no idea there were lucid dream sceptics but I guess there might as well be, huh. genuinely can't imagine a worldview where only the stuff that happens to me directly is possible and real

Have you ever had a moment where you were aware that you were the problem? Whether it was a sudden jolt or a long struggle of coming to terms with the fact that you needed to change. >> sure, I guess. I mean, I'm definitely not gonna take full responsibility for any of the bullshit that I've been involved in but I do recognise that in many situations it takes two to tango + trauma makes beasts of us all etc

What is something that a lot of people complain about but you actually enjoy? Can you see others’ criticisms as valid or do you have a totally different experience? >> a small sample of things I enjoy but I've heard a lot of complaints from others about: summer, mornings, questing in MMOs, having bugs/spiders in your house, and those recipe blogs with the stories before the recipe obviously anyone's criticism of a thing is their opinion and their opinion is allowed to exist. my experience of the thing is apparently different and that's fine. just leave me out of the complaint circle

Is there anything that you’ve been hearing about lately that’s piqued your curiosity? Whether by wanting to see what the hype is all about or clocking something new and upcoming. >> a mutual has been goin on about Alan Wake 2 which I know less than nothing about and I am curious but I have a weird mental block on lookin into it now for reasons that I would rather examine privately

If you needed to come up with an extra $500 per month for a bill, how would you do it (e.g., rearrange budget, pick up work, etc.)? >> I... literally couldn't. I would just lose access to the thing

Have you ever broken up with someone due to a belief you both wouldn’t compromise on (be it political opinions, other values or lifestyle goals such as travel or having children)? >> I don't think so

When was the last time you did something that required a degree of tenacity/noticeable assertiveness? >> whew

What is a trait that you have noticed in yourself that you’re not sure that you love, but you’re also not sure that you want to change? >> I don't always love my eleventy-billion protective mechanisms but I also think they exist for a reason and I don't want them to disappear, I don't want to be wide open for the entire world or anything. I just want them to be a little less hair-trigger and a little less hardcore

What is a fascinating article you've read or documentary/educational video/podcast you've seen recently? >> I just watched Like Stories of Old's new video which was about the Marvelisation of media, yknow, the same old shit everyone's been talkin about. but I like the way LSOO parses and talks about things, so

Do you keep track of your favorites across the year? What are some of the things you consistently loved this year? It could be anything from books to music to products to hobbies to topics/genres/themes, etc. >> I actually just started doin that this year because I got so tired of not remembering a single thing about myself or my tastes or things I've enjoyed, and I figured it was easier to just start making lists instead of beating myself up about it. the way this question is posed is making me draw a blank on how to answer it, though

When you find something you want to go out and do (an event or just going out for a treat), is it easy for you to find the motivation to go do it on your own or do you try to find someone else to encourage you to do it? >> I have no choice but to either motivate my own self to go or to just eat the consequence of not going and no the motivation is never easy for me to summon but all I can do is try and try again and see what happens each time

What is the last situation you can remember where you thought something was unfair to you or a loved one? .

What is something that you have a knack for or that comes effortlessly to you? Was it always like this? >> the English language, I guess. as in, I've never struggled with spelling, pronunciation, or style rules. I pick up on the rules of both Standard and Vernacular versions of English easily and I can switch between them fluidly. I have struggled with comprehension in the past especially as it relates to hyperlexia (I started reading very early and my reading level was always advanced, but being able to read doesn't always mean being able to comprehend -- unfortunately that's not a distinction the adults around me cared to recognise, probably because that would get in the way of treating me like a show pony) but that's about it, and obviously my comprehensive abilities improved with age

What is a quality that you have wanted in a partner or friend but never found? Do you still crave it or did it lose its importance? >> whoof. actually been coming to terms with the fact that I crave more than I thought I did, and now I have to contend with that because I can't suppress it and pretend my needs don't exist anymore. which doesn't feel great, because now I'm constantly aware of my constantly unmet needs. (which is why suppression and denial exists as a coping strategy in the first place! because this shit sucks!) one of the things I've never experienced in a relationship with another person is like... warmth. delight. enthusiasm about my existence, a strong expressed desire to be with me and explore life with me and connect deeply with me. not without a heavy transactional component (that I could never meet, because it was rigged), anyway. I don't even know how I would get this, because apparently either it's in short supply or I'm just not the kind of person capable of inspiring delight in people

Is there a confrontation (even a gentle calling out) you have imagined having with someone but more than likely you will let it go? >> that's me with Sparrow literally all the time. like why bother at this point, it is what it is

Could you see yourself realistically living in a different city than the one you live in now? Do you have any plans in the works to actually move there eventually? >> I constantly fantasise about living somewhere else. I don't want to live here, I've never wanted to live here, but we genuinely couldn't live the way we were living anymore and this was better than dying. when and whether I live somewhere else ever again is not up to me at this point, so, I don't know. I try not to think about it too deeply because life is hard enough and also because of the shame factor ("you should be grateful" "you want too much" etc)

[cherryblossomforest]

I came back to my drafts to add more to my last post only to realise it had been published, lol. On the topic of The Woman King and how I feel it relates to me as a black woman with trauma and DID.

Trigger warnings for sexual abuse with no details and parts related things.

I also wanted to talk about how, despite the fact that these women were warriors and fearless in battle, they were human too. General Nanisca struggled with nightmares, and after encountering one of her abusers she started having flashbacks and panic attacks. She didn't magically get better. She didn't magically forget. She was driven by fear and revenge, but she was also vulnerable too.

This made me feel seen. Like, yes, these women are the bravest of the brave, but they are still affected by past experiences. I'm glad they didn't try and depict them as just quickly moving past their trauma... but instead, they had to process it. Burying it doesn't work, and it wasn't something easy either. General Nanisca's close friend even encouraged her to tell her about a nightmare she was having, and this was 19 years after what happened. This is more realistic because abuse can affect people for decades. I think having this representation is so incredibly important for black women because we're often portrayed as just never needing a break, never being vulnerable or never needing help. Which is such a lie... the amount of pain we hold and continue to withstand often is the cause of our death.

This was something that my therapist also spoke to me about, as she is also a black woman. She sternly reminded me as a black woman not to go into spaces where help is readily available and act as if I do not need it or mask the amount I am suffering. To not allow others to dictate how much pain I am in, or try to tell me I am fine. I'm allowed to not be okay. I don't have to be the "strong independent black woman." The number of times I've been told I'm resilient, so I'll be fine, BY THERAPISTS! The number of times I've been denied painkillers BY DOCTORS, even when I was in hospital when I was 22. They said I was able to manage the pain, so I didn't need painkillers. Despite the fact that I couldn’t walk due to the pain in my abdomen.

My family friend collapsed at home, she is a black woman and she stopped breathing. Her son had to do cpr on her. If he was not there, she would have died. The hospital discharged her the same day, stating she'll be fine. So now I make an effort to allow myself to be vulnerable. To allow myself to be seen as not okay. The older generation of black women have drilled into my generation of black women to cry in these situations, to be seen as vulnerable, to be seen as struggling because otherwise we end up worse... or dying.

I also thought it was important that they showed Nanisca with the daughter she gave away and the pain that must come from that. She never intended to see her again, but when she found out that she was her daughter, she reassured her that despite how she came about, she was hers. That she was Agojie. Nawi, Nanisca's daughter, stated that she had the blood of a killer in her and that she was from someone who caused her mother so much pain. But Nanisca apologised for leaving her because she wasn't brave enough at the time. Nanisca reassured Nawi that she was not the thing that hurt her, and it wasn't Nawi's fault what had happened to her and that she was still her daughter. In the end, Nawi calls Nanisca mother, something that was shown as healing for both of them. Nanisca was not running away from her past anymore, and Nawi got the mother she would have dreamed of having.

In this instance, the shame that comes from being abused lingers. For us, there are parts that hold the shame from what happened. They try to make themselves small or they hide. They blame themselves and feel as if they are marked. This scene also felt so nice to watch because I often find myself trying to take that burden from these parts as Nanisca did with Nawi. I empathise with why these parts feel what they do but reassure them that it is not their fault. They are not the problem. They are a part of me, as I them. They do not need to be kept in the dark or stay in the dark because of the things that happened in secret. They do not deserve to carry these things alone. They never did. I'm always reminding them that it is not them that I find difficult to deal with but the trauma of what happened, and they are not the trauma that happened to them. They might be the result of our brain trying to cope, as am I, but they are not what happened... something happened to them. To us!

I try to create space between them and our trauma as much as I can. I remind them that, if they are able to, to put down as much of the trauma as they can. We have a room in the innerworld where we download memeories and store them away for later, which can be so helpful. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But all the same, I remind them that they are not the problem, they did not deserve the things that happened and they are not marked by what happened either. They do not have to feel ashamed no matter how much they feel they "contributed." Nothing they did is deserving of what happened.

I love the fact that this movie exists because although these women went through horrible things, they stick together. They state they are weaker apart and stronger together. This is also correct for us too. The more separated we are from each other, the more dissociated and disorganised we are, and the more we struggle and are affected by our trauma. The more we stick together and attempt to work together, the better we all end up feeling about ourselves and our lives. We aren't where we want to be, but we work better together than alone.

Another thing is that about a year ago, when Violet was in the innerworld trying to improve our safe houses, another part, who we think to be a gatekeeper, came out of the forest and started tampering with our safety shield which surrounds our safe houses. They were dressed in traditional West African clothing (I can't specify because we only got a glimpse), which caught us off guard a bit. I think that is what mostly caused our brain to shut down because they couldn't go through the shield, and that meant the gatekeepers had lost some control at the time. After that, we couldn't access the innerworld for months, and then when we could, the safety shield was completely gone, and our safe houses all messed up, and everyone was in the forests. That's when everyone began to feel far away, and since then, it hasn't been the same. I think next time we try to do anything, we have to try and at least attempt to get the gatekeepers on board. All now, I can't think of why they would be dressed in that clothing, but I know when I do figure it out, it'll make sense.

Our gatekeepers are extremely good at protecting us from past trauma. They are also very helpful if figuring out what would be best for us going forward. An example is our anorexia. When we fully realised that being malnourished and weak wasn't the answer to keeping us safe from being abused again and having more than one conversation with friends and family, our brain seemingly changed overnight. Our gatekeepers heard us. It was a big pill to swallow, but we realised that as a disabled woman who lives alone, we can not be weak. With that, Anabella disappeared. I can't tell you if she's dormant or just deep in the forest (I'm leaning more to the latter), but from then, we shifted. We are so much calmer about gaining weight. Whilst there are days we struggle, it is nowhere near like it was. At first, we started trying to work against our gatekeepers, but I'm realising that they do have the same goal as most of us. They are just higher up. They've worked in secret for so long, and they definitely give off General vibes, too. As if they are almost royalty and being in their presence is not allowed. As I'm typing this up, my brain is scrambling around to figure out what it could be that child me watched or read to create something like this, lol. Growing up, I was very much aware that black people were Kings and Queens back in Africa. I also am very vaguely remembering this book about a black girl who was a princess in her tribe back in Ghana. These memories feel so close yet so far. I need to find this book...