#if you needed permission from someone to take the step to set boundaries with toxic friends family or partners?

[jaynovz]

Last thing about this for now, for anyone who needs to hear it this cold, dark, complicated season--

You may be wonderful and open and full of love and light, but the sad, hard truth is that not everyone deserves your love or your patience. Striking that balance between having a generous heart and taking care of yourself is tricky but vital.

Anyway, good luck friends.

[imbricare]

Read this first - analysis of Harry's Gryffindor and Slytherin traits under the cut for length!

Okay, let's start with Slytherin because it's going to be shorter asdhfdla

All quotes taken from the results of this house quiz which you can read in full in the post I linked to in the first sentence.

Slytherin traits

They have specific people that are Theirs, and their circle of Actual Trust may be rather small, even if their friend/associates/resources group is a wide network.

We see this with Harry, Ron and Hermione who form their tight-knit group, sharing secrets, going on an archetypal quest together, and trusting each other in a way they do not with others. In HBP, even Ginny is excluded from their group when they talk about their in-group knowledge.

Slytherins are tied to wanting, craving [...] Slytherins are a house made up of people who want something or someone or some goal desperately or are made up of a myriad of little wants

Harry and the Mirror of Erised. Harry's longing for community, love, affection, a family. The joy he feels when he is at Hogwarts and he knows that he finally belongs.

you can be exactly who you want to be, if you just give yourself permission. Who would you be in a dark room without any mirrors?

This ties in so well with how Gryffindors can be performative, and how after the war, Harry needs to learn to disengage and separate himself from who he is in relation to Voldemort, Dumbledore, and the public persona / expectations that the Wizarding World has of him … and learn who he has grown into and what he wants himself to be

Gryffindor traits

Gryffindors are very solid with their identity [...] However, Gryffs can be performative

Harry is such a beautiful case of identity complication because he does have a strong, solid sense of identity which is rooted in his clear moral compass – his survival and coping mechanism in an environment (the Dursleys) where he is left to fend for himself, where he is alone, where he needs to develop a strong sense of self because there was no one to reflect his personality back to him in a healthy way.

Gryffindors believe in innate worth

The black-and-white thinking of his youth is something he grows out of; not just thanks to Sirius' lesson that "The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters", but also because of the complexities of how people act in and are changed by a traumatising event, e.g. the war (or single, smaller events) … very applicable to certain post-war dynamics I'd love to explore, e.g. Harry & Draco

external […] change maker

He could have just run way from the expectations and responsibilities placed in him - or buckled under them - but he is motivated by the genuine belief that an individual's actions can generate true change for the world, which makes it a person's civic duty to step up and do their bit. Since he longs for community, he is also very community-driven and aware of the need, for individuals, to contribute to the whole.

a lot of Gryffindors struggle with feeling that they aren’t doing Enough, not Enough good, not Enough love. That the failures of the world are in part because they haven’t done enough to help personally).

This reads almost like the flip side to the above in that Harry has the weakness that he can run himself dry if he doesn't watch himself / take care of himself. The danger here is that with his lofty and idealistic values, he might lose sight of the fact that there will always be something in society that can be improved. He needs to learn to set boundaries for himself.

they need to be loved, they need to help.

this is magnified by his toxic and love-starved upbringing, but at his core, Harry will always be affectionate + feel the need to be loved in return. He just really likes to feel connected to people. Again…. that community thing.

they create and change the world around them FOR the world around them, and so the world can look at them and say “okay, you did it, its okay now.” In this way, they are closest to slytherins, seeking validation

This ties in to a lot of the above, but also - the Slytherin-like need for validation is something I think we see in the way that Harry seeks Sirius' approval, praise and validation, for example; and Dumbledore's, too, I think? He was so stung and hurt by the idea (in OotP) that Dumbledore didn't trust him enough / thought him too young to share more information with him, which I think ties in with this idea of Harry needing validation here

Again, this is something that is exacerbated by his upbringing because he was also very much starved of (positive) validation.

They do good, or they try to, based on how they have defined it for themselves.

The "strong moral compass" thing again - defined by and for himself because it was either that or emulate the Dursleys as he was growing up.

They will care for you with all of them, if you earn it. They will hold you.

Harry has so much love to give, and he has such a big heart. He must have, to sacrifice himself for others in the way(s) he does. And I think this is something that the Weasleys bring out in him and nurture in him, and he loves them even more for it - they're his adopted family and he just sinks into that feeling with so much enthusiasm. (Also, bear hug Harry.)

From your friendly neighborhood Hufflepuff, sometimes doing what you need to take care and save yourself is the best thing for the world

This is truly the advice he needs

(All quotes taken from this quiz & can be read in full in this post.)

[happyselves]

Pacify Him { Daniel Ricciardo x reader } /// WARNING EXPLICIT ///

Chapter : One shot Rating : Mature / Explicit / NSFW Words : 3,622 words

“Pacify her, she is getting on my nerves, hold your bitch before I push her away. You’re free to bring anyone here as long as they are behaving, but her … I don’t judge the person you are seeing, obviously I could give two shits about it but please tell her to calm herself down … This isn’t professional.”

You were fuming as you entered Daniel’s driver room,as his PR assistante you never interfere in his frequentation, but when it was impacting the reputation of the team and bugging people visiting the motorhome you had to step him. You calm yourself after a few breaths, stepping aside from Daniel a bit before looking at him again.

“ I didn’t mean to come that hard on you Daniel, but please you know how this is important right. You always ask for my honest opinion and there it is, I didn’t mean it for it to step out this hard on you but I can’t apologize for my words when I was thinking about them. She is toxic for you, she brings the bad in you when you are someone adorable usually. What is happening to you that you don’t trust me enough anymore to tell me when something is going wrong ? And before you are shushing me off, you know I am right, you and I are a package deal. “

He was defeated, not even looking at you, his whole body was shutting down and his legs were giving up on him. He takes the closest seat near him, almost falling and barely able to sit gracefully like he used to do.

“ I don’t know … I am so lost, I keep doing stuff wrong, I can’t find my soul anymore, I’m not very myself recently, I can’t even find my smile being genuine in the morning when I wake up in the morning. I’m putting a mask for people to see, but I’m like an empty shell. This bitch as you call her is only here to distract me and try to make me feel alive. She is nothing and it was a mistake to bring her… “

You were very concerned about Daniel’s attitude, it was the first time since you have known him that he worries about you right now. You were kneeling in front of him, trying your best not to invade his personal space. It’s something new for you, not invading it, you never ever thought he needed one but he looked so fragile, then you were under the impression that if you were touching him he would vanish into dust.

“ You are scaring me, what’s happening, is it the team ? Something personal ? You know you can tell me everything … “ A long silence got installed, your eyes were starting to water by all the pain you were seeing in him. You thought he wouldn’t open up, he was shutting you out by the way his body was curling up and turning to avoid your gaze on him. He was protecting himself like a kid that was terrified of a big stormy night.

You wanted to be the one to reassure one, but you were practically sure you were part of the problem. You stand quietly, ready to leave him alone in his driver room because there was nothing you could do if he wasn’t letting you.

His reaction was imminent, the driver inside of him was popping up and his muscles memories acting for him as it was his turn to get up and close the space between you, shutting the opened door. You yelped out of surprise before feeling his pressing body against you. You were stuck between the wooden door and his warm torso. Feeling his heretic heartbeat pounding in his chest. You couldn’t speak, you were too shocked for that. You and him were friends, close friends but not that physically close. You never cross that boundaries, but today was different, you felt it was.

The seconds looked like hours waiting for the confirmation of your assumption. Daniel seems to be as surprised as you to have acted the way he did, it was too late to back away now.

“ Don’t leave … don’t walk out that door “ His forehead was now resting on the back of your head, slightly not to hurt you and put weight on it. You wanted to ignore all the fuzzy feelings flooding in your whole body, but you couldn’t. Having him so close to you awakens a deep feeling hidden in you. “ The bitch will go away I promise, I am sorry “

Why was he apologizing to you, he didn’t disappoint anyone, yet. You weren’t even mad, you learn better to not judge someone's fucked up attitude when you could recognize the coping mechanics of someone keeping a secret and trying to turn the attention away from himself for nobody to catch the true meaning behind these actions. Does that make it acceptable ? It was each individual to have their own opinion. It was annoying you, that Daniel was suffering but preferred to distract himself and run away from his problem instead of talking to you or anyone else.

You close your eyes, your own forehead finds the cold surface of the door, his own head following yours not breaking the contact. HIs hands find the side of your hip.

“ The bitch isn’t the problem isn’t it ? “ You asked without any certainty he will give you a proper answer to that. His thumbs were caressing the skin of your hips through the tissues of your teamwear shirt, drawing a circle. You were sure he didn’t even notice he was doing it, his body was only responding to one mood and it was the auto-pilot one.

You were searching for breath and the driver’s room was starting to get tighter by the meanings, you were about to suffocate if the situation in which you both were wasn’t going to change fast enough.

“ You are the only one that can take away my pain … “ It could pass for a simple sentence if it wasn’t so Daniel, you had learned the code of conduct of Daniel Ricciardo and that … that was a declaration. “ It was you and I before, remember ? “

You were missing a piece of puzzle here, what was he talking about, is he drunk ? You never act differently around him, nothing changes, it never does. Yes it was him and you, always have been.

“ What are you talking about Daniel, you are confusing me “

“ Why did it change, the two of us … “ He was responding to your question by another one, like he was having his own conversation in his head, you were tempted to let him speak his mind to discover the bottom of the problem.

“ It didn’t change Daniel … “ You were trying as much as you could to put everything together, in vain.

“ It did change, I can’t look at you the same way as before … “ There it was, a little clue. If only he knew that it has been a long time since you have been able to look at him the way he used to when you meet him the first time. It was more than annoying you that he had brought someone with him for the weekend, more than it should. You were fuming when you saw the unknown name on the list of guests and asked someone to lighten it for you.

“ I know you are lying, why would you react the way you just did before if you weren’t “ You wanted to look at him, but his body was still pressing you against the cold wood. You had so much to say and him as well, all this unspoken tension you both tried to make yourself believe was a liar. You were both frauds, your friendship switched into something more months ago after a drunk night. Nothing happened that night, only looks were exchanged. The battle you both had as a joke at first turned into something way more deeper than you both were expecting and when you both tried to pull out of it, the damage had been done. That night was an epiphany moment for you, awaking the true desire between you. Your bodies couldn’t lie, the need for them to touch, the flaming sensation of his skin against yours like it was happening right now. Everything happened before and since that night, it never was the same thing for Daniel and everything went downhill.

You move your hand, posting on the door and Daniel understands the message and detaches himself from you. You slowly turn, god he was a mess and you bet you weren’t better.

“ You bewitched me that night, seduced me with your eyes. It was a game at first and now look at us, where is the game now ? “ He wasn’t accusing you of anything, it was a simple statement, an understanding between you. Two people were playing the game and two people ended up losing.

“ That wasn’t my intention, I tried to pull away, it was too late “ Who sounds defeated now, the tables have turned and he brings you down with him to the bottom of his misery. A couple bruises on your heart that he created was all you needed to have the proof that at least you two had shared a moment. It had to stay professional, but as his face was closing up the gap, all your convictions were being erased one by one.

You didn’t wait for him, you joined him in the middle, your lips connected quicker than he had anticipated, your eyes shut down in synchronisation. You didn’t who reacted first and kissed the other one back. That lip was perfect, far from it, it was messy just like him, but it was passionate. His teeth were teasing your bottom lips, asking permission to tear the flesh of it apart. You moaned when his tongue was inviting you to open your mouth. The taste of your two saliva was so intoxicated that you almost fell and he had to catch you with both of his arms, supporting you from your lower back. His smile came back to life against your mouth, letting out a childish giggle and you hit his arm to make him stop making fun of your lack of stability.

HIs reaction was quick, if you couldn’t stand up anymore he would use that door to help you. He pushes you toward it and your back gets lean on it, his arms unlocking themselves to explore your body, finding where they were before except this style the hem of your shirt came loose, letting the palm of his hand directly enter in contact with your skin, sending you shivers.

You had forgotten your environnement, too busy burying your own hands in his dark curls, bringing him closer as much as possible. Your teeth were still clenching and air was starting to lack in your lounge. You didn’t want to let go, scared for the reality to be brought back. You have been dreaming for months about this. Having the fantasy in your head when the night was setting and the moon shining.

DSaniel didn’t let you think for another second as he used this little moment of rest when you stop kissing him for a second, to lift you up, grabbing your ass, his palm firmly around it. He moves you and remembered to lock the door before turning back his focus on you as he finally break the kiss to look at you. Lust could be seen all over your two faces. His face was not showing any sadness anymore, only mischievousness and happiness. If you knew that all you needed to do to bring back the Daniel you knew was to let your own desire take over you, you would have done it sooner.

He took the direction of the massage table beside him, putting you on the edge before finding your neck and kissing the soft skin. You let a snort escape when his scruff tickles a sensitive spot behind your ear. He laughs against the skin and the vibration changes the snort into a whining complaint. He traveled all the way down to your clavicle but the fabric of your shirt was stopping him. He didn’t wait for your approval to remove it, the force of the removal making you lift your arm automatically. They fall back on his neck when he throws the piece of tissue somewhere you will have a hard time finding back.

That was extremely hot from him and by your legs starting to spread a little bit and the heat you were starting to feel between them, he noticed acknowledge the effect he had on you and smirk, visibly proud of himself. It was not the time to hide yourself even if you could feel embarrassed, this man in front of you was everything you had dreamt of and it had the talent to make you feel confident of your body, just by the way he looks at every detail of your body.

You were eager to let him take the situation under his control and only his, not doing anything and just being the prize he was working on to have for so long. All the torment, the torture and the conviction he will never have you, he deserved it. You will get your prize another time … it was only the beginning for you.

He was taking his time with you,no matter how much his desire was waking up, he had one mission and one mission only; your pleasure. You could see the forming bulge in his pants and felt for him, imagining how inconfortable it must be for him.

It all went to dust when his hands found their way under your bra cupping your breast and his lips traveled your chest as he was kissing his way down. He was leaving wet kisses and blowing air on it, goosebumps started to appear quickly, head being jolted back.

You wish you knew what to do with your hands but they were gripping the leather of the massage table so hard your knuckles were getting white by the second. He didn’t seem to care as his hands found your pants, he pushed you a bit behind, making unspeakable demands for you to lift your ass so he could slide the piece of clothes down for it to join your shirt somewhere in the room.

You could barely keep your eyes open as you witnessed the extremely hot scene in front of you. Daniel between your legs, keeping the same pace with you, kissing his way up toward the inner of your thighs. You sensed his teeth nibbling your skin, licking every spot afterward, like he was trying to heal the pain he just caused you. Little did he know that pain you were feeling was arousing you even more, your panty was starting to visibly licked your excitement. It was feeling like torture, you thougth that Daniel would be like the others partner you had, your skin would get used to the touch after a moment and the horniness would stop at a certain level, thinking you had reach the maximal of his possibility. How wrong were you when you were on the verge to cum without him actually pleasuring you in this area. You knew it was coming, Daniel kisses were more hungry, teasing the flesh of your thigh turning red by the bite and the kisses.

His lips were swallowing, getting bigger by the unusual exercise they were carrying on, his tongue would feel numb if it was for the desire he had to taste you, letting it survive for a couple minutes still. You watch him, leaving a kiss on the wet fabric of your underwear, your eyes were blurrying by the anticipation of him finally finding your clit. His teeth end up moving the piece of dentelle that was the last barrier between you and him.

It was like he was home and belonged there, here with you, right in this instance, it was you and him against the world. Forgetting your environnement you let a cry escape a little bit too loud as soon his thick tongue was licking arousal. You thought that seeing the start was a legend, a fantasy, but Daniel had made you become reality as your head was banged back, finding the cold wall, your neck was stretching so hard that the blood was lacking in your brain making you see some sparkling spot. He needed you to stay quiet and as he tried to put one of his hands on your mouth he ended up finding the neck instead, squeezing it enough for you to moan his name as he was continuing his exploration of your pussy.

Your hands finally leave the grip of the massage table to find their new place around Daniel's arm. You were stretched out in front of him, so vulnerable, just for him and you were unable to give a proper reaction to being buried in the pleasure he was giving you. His tongue was teasing your entrance, making it hardening, pushing himself in you as you will. The thumb of his free hand was moving in a slow circle around your clit. He didn’t know the dilemma you were encountering, keeping your eyes shut and your head back or fighting his firm hand on your neck for you to see him eating you alive. You sure had to make a decision quickly because you were soon to arrive at the edge before you will let the orgasm consume your whole body.

By the sound you were making, Daniel had the confirmation he was doing everything in the right way for you. He never experienced such joy to make someone lose their composure due to his actions. He was feeling proud that he was finding it out with you. Every woman he had been with didn’t sound or look as beautiful and real as you spread in front of him right now. He could spend hours tasting you, how good you were for him, how reactive and sensitive your skin was becoming after being torn apart by him. How the thought of fucking you with his tongue had haunt his dream for the past couples of month now, but the reality of this was surpassing all his expectations. He wanted to be rough with you, all the dirty thoughts came back rushing into his brain, overwhelming him and sending twitch to his dick. Rather than being dominant, it was all about showing you how much he had wanted you and how willing he was to give you anything you wanted, because you deserved it. You deserved for him to make you forget every man you had sex with. Replacing all the bad and good memories with his own. Changing all the faces in your dream, planting his own in the own DNA of your imagination.

He could feel that you were holding it together for it to last longer, even if that meant losing the self-control you had in you. Your wall was tightening around his fat tongue. You were completely losing your mind at the foreword of sensation throwing at you at the same time. You were sure it was too much for one person and you could care less about the verbal explosion you might have in a couple of seconds. Daniel however, foreseeing your release, put two fingers in your mouth holding your jaw from your mouth, your lips closed themself around them and your tongue was soon relaxing on them. You bite his knuckles when his tongue replaces his thumb in one flick of the tongue, finally letting cum. Your legs were shaking and Daniel had to hold you for you not to hurt yourself, your eyes were rolling back as your orgasm hit you in small waves, sending you jolts of electricity around your body. Your brain was shutting down, the stifled moan never reaching the exterior of your mouth, dying down on Daniel’s fingers in sensual vibration that made his bulge react, begging to be taken care of.

It tooks you minutes to come back to the open world, Daniel’s eyes not leaving you for a second, admiring his work. You slowly come back to reality and automatically search for him, missing his touch already. Your eyes were still not open when you found the collar of his shirt and pulled him rather violently, crashing your lips together, taking a taste of your own juice still lingering on his lips. You sigh in the kiss, reassured that what just happened wasn’t just a dream and that you were far needing to wake up from it.You rest your forehead on his, the wave of pleasure was still leaving some after effects on you including dizziness.

You had to clear your throat as you realised no sound was coming it out the first time you tried to speak.

“ That bitch needs to go, tell her you replace her with a more living version. “

You couldn’t help but laugh at your own words and Daniel was smiling at the way you just described yourself.

“ She’s already gone, she was already gone before you burst into my room.

You didn’t know how to respond to that, but one thing for sure is that you will have a hard time making people outside of this room say that nothing happened between the two of you. At least you would not pissed them off and you were able to pacify him at any time.

MASTERLIST

[thepeacefulgarden]

Self Care on a Budget

A lot of people think self care has to be expensive. Usually, when we hear the phrase “self care,” we think of wealthy (and usually white) women being pampered at a spa, or soaking in the tub while eating fancy imported chocolates. And while it’s true that those things can be a part of self care for some, they are not the all of it. In fact, the vast majority of self care consists of things that cost very little, and sometimes nothing at all. (Nor is it only for privileged people, or only for women.) Here are just a few ideas:

Taking a nap

Journaling

Stepping back from social media for a while

Letting go of a grudge or other resentment

Letting go of unnecessary guilt or shame

Confiding in a friend or family member

Going for a walk

Doing a guided meditation

Praying

Putting money into a savings account or a mason jar for later

Taking some time to rest and Just Be

Reminding yourself that the world won’t stop turning if the dishes wait until morning

Taking a shower

Reading a favorite book or listening to a favorite podcast

Watching a favorite TV show or movie

Eating a piece of fruit

Going to bed at a decent hour for your needs and schedule

Starting a project early, even though you really want to procrastinate

Giving up a bad habit

Drawing 

Writing a story or poem

Giving yourself permission to eat and to not feel guilty about it

Taking care of a small chore or errand

Writing a letter or sending a card to someone you care about (even yourself)

Making your favorite coffee or tea

Making that appointment you’ve been putting off

Hitting the snooze button (just once!)

Telling someone “no” (whether it’s “No,” period, or “No, but I can do...”

Unfollowing, muting, or unfriending someone on social media

Heeding the trigger warnings

Ignoring and blocking a troll

Setting a budget

Making a routine

Not answering work-related calls/texts/emails/etc. outside of work hours

Not texting your ex

Putting on comfy clothes

Letting go of things you can’t control

Prioritizing your needs over your wants

Ending a toxic relationship of any kind

Asking for help

Studying for that test ahead of time instead of cramming

Stretching

Going for a run

Cuddling a pet or a stuffed animal

Forgiving yourself for a mistake

Doing a deep-breathing or mindfulness exercise

Letting go of toxic behaviors

Opening a window to let in some fresh air

Adding a small, easy to care for, and inexpensive potted plant to your space

Letting yourself take a short break while studying, doing housework, or anything else that costs a lot of time and energy

Surrounding yourself with positive people

Donating clothes that no longer fit, or that you don’t wear

Canceling that service or subscription you don’t need 

Choosing not to dwell on those Bad Thoughts

RSVPing “Will Not Attend” to that party you didn’t really want to go to anyway

Finding constructive ways to deal with your feelings

Not stress-eating or boredom-eating

Setting a boundary with someone

Hitting the “Back” button

Leaving the table when Uncle Bob gets up on his horrible soapbox, if you don’t have the energy to engage him

Brushing your teeth

Acknowledging that your fave is problematic...and giving yourself permission to be okay with that. 

Deciding to give yourself the same love and care you so freely give to others

Deciding to love your body (or at least accept it) just the way it is, right here and now

Deciding to stop fighting for closure you’re never going to get

Deciding to stop enabling someone else’s crappy behavior

Buying yourself something small (like $5 or less) 

Giving yourself a pat on the back for something you did (even if it was as seemingly simple as getting out of bed)

Taking those plates/cups/silverware/etc. you’ve been hoarding out to the kitchen and washing them

Taking out the trash instead of letting it pile up

Letting that call you don’t have the energy for go to voicemail

Deciding not to get involved in your friends’ drama

Writing a thank-you note

[digitalfunfinder]

Things to Consider When Getting and Giving Respect Online

Respect comes in many forms; some types have to be earned, while other forms should automatically be given out of courtesy.  It means showing consideration of another person's feelings, ideas, standards, needs, preferences, uniqueness, peculiarities, and their property. Respect means you acknowledge the person, take them seriously, and are honest with them.

 While everyone wants to be respected, what comes through online may not feel as if that respect is being received or given.  There are several reasons this may be happening, and there are things you can do to have a more consistent, respectful online experience.

 If you don't feel respected online, here are a few questions to consider:

 Do you respect yourself online?

If you don't respect yourself, you make it open season for everyone else to disrespect you. There is a clear line between making the occasional joke at your expense and becoming a joke. The first person you need respect from is yourself; it is very hard to respect anyone else if you do not you respect yourself. This means listening to how you feel and respecting those feelings, being honest with yourself showing yourself kindness, and not cutting yourself down. This is not self-delusion or self-aggrandizement; it is honestly knowing and valuing yourself with both your faults and merits.

 Have you positioned yourself to be respected?

Do your profile and photo show you as someone to respect? Not someone to fear, not someone 'sexy', but someone who can be respected for who you are. Do your comments deserve respect or are they rude, discriminatory, illiterate, or foolish? Do you show respect for others comments, ideas, and values? Do you listen to what your friends are saying through their comments and provide thoughtful responses, or are all your comments trashing them or focused on you?

 Are you good at what you do?

This information quickly shines through online. For teens, the question can be harder than it is for adults with professional lives, but we respect people who are good at what they do - whether they are good listeners, honest friends, talented experts, always have an optimist's outlook, have survived tough times, or make a mean cupcake. Building this kind of respect takes time and consistency, but being good at what you do commands its own respect.

 Do you show respect for others?

Respect works both ways, if you trash others online you won't receive their respect - and you aren't likely to get the respect of anyone else who sees how you trash people. If you want respect, give respect.

 Are you kind?

Let's face it; it's hard to respect a jerk. You can provide (and receive) honest feedback, criticism, disagree or stick to your views while still being kind and respectful.

 Do you have integrity?

Say what you mean and mean what you say. It is hard to respect someone who says one thing yet does another or promises something they don't deliver.

 Is a comment aimed at you disrespectful, or are you misinterpreting?

Sometimes comments are hard to interpret and what was meant to be funny doesn't come across that way. It may be because of your mood at the time you read it, the clumsy way they wrote it, or the weird mood they were in. For all the advantages of online communications, a clear disadvantage is that you usually don't have the visual clues you would get when speaking face to face, or the tonal clues you would get from hearing the comment, or the contextual clues helping you understand where the person is coming from. On top of these hazards, the person may be multitasking (which people always imagine they master better than they actually do) and not even aware that your responses are getting more agitated. Before busting into a flame war over assumed disrespect, just ask. Using emoticons - smiley faces - can also help ensure others understand a comment was meant light-heartedly.

 Are people disrespecting your privacy?

The first question to ask here is have you even let people know what you think is ok - and not ok - to share about you? Do you actually know what your friends and family consider ok to share vs. disrespectful?

 It's rude to expose information about someone - including pictures and videos — without their permission. The only way you'll know what they want to be kept private is to ask them, and the only way for them to know what you want private is to tell them. Unfortunately, shockingly few people ever ask about boundaries until the information has been overshared and a problem arises. Take a few minutes to find out how to respect friend's boundaries, and explain how they can respect yours. Ask that any offending, or exposing information be taken down - and return the courtesy.

 If someone doesn't act respectfully towards you, why keep them as a contact? Offline and online, don't associate with toxic, rude or disrespectful people. Don't lash out and stoop to their level, simply drop them from your contacts and your online life.

 Do you really know who is disrespecting you?

Face-to-face you know exactly who is disrespecting you, but online jerks can appear to be someone else. If you get an angry, rude or disrespectful comment, text, email, photo, etc., that surprises you, consider whether the person it appears to be from is actually the person behind the meanness. It is easy - and free - to spoof a phone number, it's easy to shoulder-surf and see someone's password and hijack their account, and it can be tempting to jerks to hide their identity and use the information to create drama between friends, humiliate someone by sharing a private comment or photo they discovered, and so on.

 Online the ultimate disrespect comes from cyberbullying, harassment and online crimes like ID theft, hacking, and setting people up for risk. If any of these occur, take immediate action. Get the help and support you need. Block this person from any further contact. Keep records of any exchanges, attacks, or other issues. Notify the service the abuse occurs on, as the company should take immediate steps to remedy the situation. If there is a threat of physical violence, or the situation warrants intervention, contact your local law enforcement. Many teens and adults are shocked to discover that their bullying or harassing behaviour may actually be criminal; check the laws in your state to learn if their actions constitute crimes.

  Information sourced from: https://www.webroot.com/us/en/resources/tips-articles/getting-and-giving-respect-online

[mojotheroot]

I wish everyone would stop saying

“ Just forget him”

“ Move on”

“ He is not worth it” etc.  The countless pep talks that are meant to help me move on, they seem so dismissive. Like a lack of empathy to my pain and situation. Or an intolerance to seeing my suffering. Because I can’t simply forget and move on because he was and is worth holding on to for me personally. Perhaps that is just hope.

Tricky bitch that it is.

I have at least come to the realization that I am not attracting toxic people.

The truth is that toxic people are not picky.

Sure, they may have a preference for a particular prey. But ultimately, I do not think they are picky about who they destroy as long as they are destroying someone.

The real question is not why the toxic people are abundant in my life but why do I allow them to stay.

That is what I need to change the most.

This sounds a lot more mental positive than claiming that I am “broken”. 

As mortifying as it sounds, I think a toxic person can initially be beneficial to any relationships.

It can ground any ideals that may be impractical.

It is surely a reminder of where you do not want a relationship to go.

It allows the setting of hard boundaries.

The trick is to enforce those boundaries.

When the person has crossed them, it is time to move past it as quick as  possible and let them go.

As easy as that sounds... I give reasonable advice but seldom ever follow it…that kind of shit you know.

All of that said, it still seems a somewhat monumental task to just move on from this heartbreak.

I was once told that for however long you were together you do some math stuff and the result was how long it would take to find some form of solace.

Without putting into account the depth of the connection and what time sentence that carries as well…sigh…I got a while to go before I can safely move on.

The hardest part is the waiting. Damn , I feel like I have waited lifetimes already for a response. And it has only been…only 16 days?  Wait…16 days have passed?! Feels oddly like only hours since our last words but again, it also feels like a lifetime. Shit this is going to be a hell of a ride. It is already bad enough as is.

Sixteen days----384 hours- 23,000 minutes and some change…huh… my mind is a bit shook over that.

All of those hours and minutes have been filled with echoes of the words he once said.

Statements that my mind is struggling to categorize as lies, all while my heart and soul is hanging on to them as canon truths.

I think, for healing purposes, I can acknowledge the reasoning for the depths of my feelings over these statements that are perpetual in my mind.

They came at a time where I was legit mentally broken.

I had given up loving others.

Rather I had grouped the world into two categories:

People that can be trusted because they had yet to figure out how to use me

and

People that were actively not to be trusted because they were using me. 

I absolutely give up on love.

I mean why should I even bother with it when I didn’t even love myself?

Love was a banal attempt at getting closer to another because ultimately you wanted something.

A chemical con-job the brain produces to lull the sense to any potential predator response the brain could possibly trigger (gut instinct can be loud I guess in the initial meeting…maybe it is that predator response…can digest that later perhaps) but really it is just the brain getting us closer for evolutionary purposes if we cut through all the shit and be honest. Not a good premise for a romance novel or poetry.

But it is true.

I digress.

As I said, I had already thoroughly become disgusted at the idea of people as a whole and given all faith in humanity up.

It was just me and the rest of the world were NPC [non playable characters] or distracting side quests completely irrelevant to the main quest regardless of how they may enhance a storyline.

And that is where our villain enters the scene.

He swoops in almost immediately recognizing and acknowledging my pain.

From the start it was intensity of the Sun.

He wasted no time at all.

The first thing was establishing trust.

He did this with kind patience. Listening to me cry.

Just sitting there with a hand on my shoulder. Waiting and saying nothing until it passed.

Then the phrase that I have come to loathe and is likely now the entirely of my reasoning to almost immediately disassociate from a person and be on red alert:

“ You can trust me.”

The first time he said that, I was totally shocked at the ludicrous idea of it.

Trust you? Trust anyone?

What a novel idea but my mind had long ago already established fantasy parameters and boundaries based solely on that phrase alone.

Yet, he persisted.

For some time, he would always seem to find me alone, broken down and in an utter mess of a mental state.

Like he had a radar for the heart ache.

And we would go through the motions, he would comfort me with physical presence or a warm touch.

All sprinkled with kind soothing words.

Then the expansion upon the phrase came as “ You can tell me what is on your mind. Trust me please.”

This was new to me.

Like it stopped me deadass in mid fall to contemplate the idea because it had never before been offered as an option to me.

Sure folks would say I could talk to them about anything before but that was always context based like if I wanted to talk about a shared interest or even how I felt about a particular scholastic or political idea. But, never had anyone offered permission to talk about things that were hurting me.

It was generally presented to us as children in my household that one just did not talk about what was hurting them inside, not unless it was something that required a visit to the hospital. Mental trauma was a product of a weak person.

And be damned if we ever allowed the world to perceive us as such because we already had enough strikes by being poor.

Let the world see you struggle with a smile on your face.

At any rate, the idea of having somebody that wanted to hear why I cry…why I hurt…and mind you this was completely unsolicited by me with any words or actions other than my own distress; had incited a curiosity.

So, the seed was planted.

I resisted it of course.

The soil of my heart was salted and had the sole purpose of wallowing in the misery of whatever current dilemma I was facing.

It was a burial plot.

A place I would die a thousand times per day.

I had put my red alert on but was inquisitive while also dismissing the entire idea as a “ good Christian’s act of kindness” and nothing more than a self-imposed penance for Original Sin.

And yet he expanded the phrase again.

This time, it was the bullet that struck the mark.

I remember that night.

I was deep into my feels.

Almost inconsolable and wanted nothing more than to cocoon myself up in it and let the flood of emotions drown me.

He came to me unexpectedly this time.

Whereas normally he would do a knock on the door or some tentative inquisition as to my need for help.

I was face down drowning my pillow in salt tainted water and he slid next to me on my bed.

Naturally, I jumped in response to this intrusion. Whereas he grabs me by the shoulders and wraps his arms tightly around me. Smoothing my disgruntled hair and cooing “It is okay, it is okay.” I lay there completely consumed by this grief that wracked my very core on a daily bases from a time that seems like since birth.

And then he touches my tear drenched cheek and travels to my downfaced  chin and lifts it like it is the most fragile thing he has ever touched before until my closed by shame eyes were level to his and opened them with a single kiss to the cheek. He said:

“ Please let me help you. Talk to me. I want to help. Trust me. I just want to help. “

I must have visibly shown to him my abhorrence to the idea of trusting because he then used the most sacred three words that is often thrown around like such a mundane thing…he said -I love you.

Now, I have heard this often of course. It is a phrase used so much in Southern families and amongst friends in parting or as a sign of pleasure to any particular act that needs emphasis.

But, this was the first time I had it said to me; albeit in such a serene way, where it was delivered with a penetrate force and I felt it inside.

After those words, I stammered at first the dismissive phrases degrading my obvious mental distress.

He was not taking that as an answer.

He leaned in and held me close. Heart to heart and whispered random things if nothing more than to steadily chisel away my resolve.

Which worked of course but, I was not about to initiate sharing my feelings at this point because it seemed to me futile since I was calming down.

He must have sensed the shift and the settling calm because he stops talking and with no hesitation wipes the tears from my eyes with the palm of his hands and smooths my face with a gentle caress.

And the next step was for me the most intimate thing I had experienced in a long time.

He looked me in the eyes, something I had all but identified at a young age as an act solely reserved for dominance and degradation and he smiled with his very own and asked in a pleading tone if I could learn to trust him, because he would not hurt or betray me with anything we talked about. He just wanted to help me. And then that three word phrase to add emphasis.

I melted then and my mouth betrayed my mind and words came out like a volcanic force.

When the eruption was over, he smiled at me. Smoothed my eyebrows with his thumb and held my hands ( this would become a permanent act of intimacy between us anytime we met henceforth) and we sat up in bed and he held me again.

I shuttered in response to another round of emotional tears and he held tighter and said it was okay, he was there for me. And I stopped.

Because I felt it in my soul that he meant that.

And there it was. I had started to feel again.

It was like a tiny itch at first.

Nagging and begging to be scratched.

Weeks went on, we got closer. And I remember out of nowhere telling him in response to his kindness, I love you...

Damn I was fucked with one phrase and knew it the moment it leapt unexpectedly from my lips.

Not simply the phrase itself but it was the way it felt coming out.

Because the moment it passed my teeth I felt with it’s expulsion the crumbling of the walls I had built around myself.

And he knew it because he smiled with his eyes and embraced me.

I was completely at his mercy when it came to any curiosity about how I was feeling or how I felt about anything at all.

I was enthralled with this new freedom to say how I felt to somebody that legitimately wanted to know and encouraged it.

Every time I would breakdown and ultimately attempt to put up walls he would coax me with his unwavering patience and wield his kindness with the skill of any warrior with a sword and promptly redirect me so we remained open with one another.

Simply waiting until he changed his attention to some other idea or thought was never an option because he remained patient and waited until I would eventually speak even if he had to use prompts.

But it was never an option again for me to simply dismiss and bury my feelings.

So, here I am...flipped and twisted and not entirely sure where things go from this point.

[missmentelle]

About the post being jealous/controlling your bf & his friends, social media, etc. how do you stop those jealous feelings? How do you become ready for a relationship? What are the steps to take?? It tells you what Not to do but not how to fix it or prepare?

You make a good point - jealousy is very common emotion, but it’s not one that we’re really taught how to deal with. Many people don’t start trying to get a handle on their toxic jealousy until they’ve already had one or more relationships fall apart because of it, sometimes in explosive and spectacular ways. I used to blog about ways to manage jealousy, waaaaaay back in the early days of this blog, but the posts have long since been buried - this seems like as good a time as any to revive them. 

So if you’re struggling with jealousy in your relationships, or you’re concerned that jealousy might be a problem in your future relationships, it’s important that you:

Separate jealous feelings from jealous actions. It is okay to feel jealous - it’s a very natural feeling that we all experience from time to time. What’s not okay is acting on your jealousy, and giving yourself permission to control and monitor your partner because of it. When you’re merely feeling jealous, that’s something that only affects you, and it’s something that you can cope with on your own. When you act jealous, suddenly you are negatively impacting your partner, and turning your issue into their issue. Learn to separate the two things. When you feel yourself starting to experience jealousy, learn to check yourself and catch jealous behaviours before they happen. Ask yourself, “Am I about to do or say something that’s motivated by jealousy?”. If the answer is yes, that’s a solid sign that you need to remove yourself from the situation or distract yourself until you have a better handle on those feelings. If your partner texts an attractive classmate to ask them for class notes and you feel a sudden urge to interrogate them about their relationship with that classmate, stop yourself. Recognize that you are entitled to feel jealous, but that acting on that jealousy will likely be toxic for the relationship. 

Work on your personal insecurities. Insecurity is one of the main roots of jealousy. Many of us would feel jealous if our partner started working closely with an attractive 25-year-old coworker, but most of us would feel no jealousy if our partner started working closely with an unattractive 68-year-old coworker. All of us have shortcomings that we are sensitive about, and we are at our most jealous when our partner interacts with someone we perceive as a “threat” to us. If you are insecure about your body, you’ll likely be jealous of your partner interacting with people who are fitter than you. If you are insecure about your age, you’ll be jealous of people who are younger than you. If you are balding, you might be wary of possible rivals who have a full head of hair. The list goes on. But in general, the more insecurities you have, and the worse those insecurities are, the more you are going to struggle with jealousy. One of the best things you can do to prevent jealousy from taking root is to tackle those insecurities head-on. That doesn’t mean relying on compliments and reassurance from your partner - having your self-esteem tied to your partner’s opinion of you is just a recipe for more jealousy and insecurity. There’s no one-size-fits-all method for dealing with insecurity, but there are a lot of things you can try - seek therapy, find support groups, start a positivity journal, do things you enjoy, work on a skill. Find a method that works for you. 

Communicate with your partner. Assumptions and expectations of mind-reading are a recipe for toxic jealousy. Talk to your partner. Have an explicit conversation about jealousy, your feelings, your boundaries and your expectations. Ask them what they consider to be “cheating”, and share your opinions on the matter - you could ask 20 people this question and get 20 slightly different answers, and not discussing this topic in explicit terms is a recipe for disaster. If the two of you have any areas that you disagree on, talk about it and see if you can reach a compromise. If you anticipate that jealousy is going to be an issue for you in the relationship, tell your partner that, so that the two of you can find ways to support you in dealing with this problem. If at any point in the relationship, you are uncomfortable with a partner’s connection to someone else, don’t go secretly digging through their phone for evidence of cheating -tackle the issue head-on, explain your feelings to your partner, and look for a way that the two of you can move forward on this. 

Work on not feeding your jealousy. If you go looking for reasons to feel jealous, you will find them. Caving into jealousy is a vicious cycle - the harder you look, the more potentially “suspicious” things you will find, until you reach a point where you find yourself needing to monitor everything your partner does just to trust that they aren’t cheating... even if they have never cheated. Don’t spy, stalk or monitor your partner. Once you’ve decided that a certain friend of theirs poses a threat to the relationship, your brain is going to turn every innocent message and “liked” photo into a potential sign of unfaithfulness. Don’t feed those feelings. Find ways to cope, and have a direct conversation with your partner if you feel there is legitimate cause for concern. 

Don’t punish your current partner for your ex’s actions. In both my personal and professional life, I have seen many controlling, over-bearing jealous partners who justify their actions by saying that a previous partner cheated on them, and they are taking the steps that they feel are necessary to avoid being hurt again. Being cheated on is a horrible, gut-wrenching experience, and once you’ve been through it once, it’s natural to want to do everything in your power to avoid experiencing it again. Loving a new partner, however, requires that you find a way to put your past behind you and offer that new partner your complete trust and benefit of the doubt. If you are not emotionally in a place where you can fully trust your partner, then you are not yet in a place to be dating - you still need more time to recover from your previous relationship before you can get into a new one, and that’s okay. 

I’ve actually been having a lot of conversations about jealousy lately in my own personal life; a close friend of mine is currently struggling to cope after her partner left her due to her jealous behaviour. She was never cheated on, but her best friend was, and she absorbed some fairly toxic beliefs about relationships and men that led her to spy on her boyfriend and constantly accuse him of cheating. She was so terrified of being walked on or being made a fool of that she took things to extremes, and reached a point where she spent hours every day combing through her partner’s Instagram activity and regularly told him that he clearly didn’t love her if he wouldn’t accept her constant distrust. It was a toxic situation that her jealousy created, and I have spent a lot of time trying to help her figure out how to strike a balance between “expecting your partner to behave appropriately with others and respect the relationship” and “driving your partner away with controlling and abusive behaviour”. In working with her, I’ve been able to put together a couple of concrete “dos and don’ts” to address that balancing act. So if you are concerned that you might be a jealous person and you’re in a monogamous relationship (or a polyamorous relationship with set boundaries), these are some things that you should be steering clear of:

Stay out of your partner’s messages and emails. Those are not for you, and looking through them feeds jealousy. I personally have confidential client information in my work email, and there is zero reason for my partner to ever access it. 

Don’t demand your partner’s account passwords. They have a right to privacy, and it doesn’t mean that they are hiding something. 

Do not delete contacts, followers, or photos from your partner’s phone or social media accounts. This is gross, overbearingly jealous behaviour. 

Do not block people from your partner’s accounts without their knowledge. If you feel that you need to hide people from your partner’s view to keep the relationship going, the relationship is not going to survive. 

Never “test” your partner’s loyalty by having an attractive friend hit on them, or by trying to catfish them with a fake online account. I struggle to find words for how toxic this is. 

Do not demand that your partner drop all platonic friends of their preferred gender, or restrict contact with all members of their preferred gender. This is super controlling, and it’s not even possible if your partner is bi/pan. 

If you are uncomfortable with how close someone is getting to your partner, do not confront that person directly. Nothing screams “controlling” quite like texting your partner’s coworker out of the blue to tell them to back the fuck off. If you have an issue, bring it up with your partner, not the other person. 

Do not make sharing GPS location a condition of the relationship. If your partner wants to share this, fine, but it’s beyond unreasonable to make it mandatory. 

Do not constantly check up on your partner or blow up their phone if they don’t text you back right away when they are out. Let them enjoy time with their friends. 

Do not insist on tagging along every time your partner goes out. If you have a lot of mutual friends that you hang out with together, great, but they are not a child, and they do not need constant supervision. 

At the same time, though, I am not advocating for anyone to be their partner’s doormat. It’s important to understand that “not being jealous” does not mean “letting your partner walk all over you”. Telling your partner that they aren’t allowed any friends of a certain gender is certainly toxic, but at the same time, it’s okay to lay down some basic expectations that your partner will respect you and the relationship. So in general, this would include:

It’s okay to ask a partner to limit contact with their ex-partners. If your partner is in constant communication with their ex, it’s okay for you to feel uncomfortable with that and make it clear to your partner that they need to decide which relationship they want to be in. 

It’s okay to ask your partner to prioritize your feelings over an ex’s. If a partner is avoiding being public about the relationship, moving in together or getting engaged because they don’t want to make their ex sad, it’s reasonable to be upset about that. 

If your partner has suddenly developed an extremely close relationship with someone of their preferred gender that has obvious flirty overtones or takes up most of their time, it’s okay to voice your concerns. 

It is okay to ask your partner not to exchange sexual jokes, memes or images with friends of their preferred gender, or to let them know that it makes you uncomfortable. 

It’s okay to expect your partner not to do things with their friends that could be outwardly seen as flirty or romantic - like asking them not to sleep in the same bed as a friend of their preferred sex, or not to text a friend of their preferred sex late at night when they’re in bed with you.

If you and your partner wear rings or other symbols of your commitment, it’s okay to ask your partner to wear their ring in public (assuming they aren’t leaving it off for safety or health reasons, like a hazardous job). 

If your partner continually tramples over your boundaries and behaves inappropriately with members of their preferred sex unless you watch them like a hawk, the solution is not to become more hawk-like. The solution is to leave. 

Again, this is all a balancing act, and sometimes there is going to be a bit of trial and error involved in figuring out which boundaries are reasonable, and which are controlling. Open communication and constant work on your insecurities is necessary. Having jealous tendencies does not have to be a death sentence for a relationship, however, and it is possible to get to place where both partners feel secure and respected. 

[curlicuecal]

This is kind of a self-indulgent question, but how do you deal with people who VERY BADLY want to be your internet friend, and they'd be Crushed if you stopped talking to them, but you just don't have the energy for it/are beginning to resent them for it? (And for other reasons you can't bring up because whiffs of criticism squeeze their "I'm a terrible person" reflex)

Oh, gosh. As someone who has been on BOTH sides of this experience, this speaks to me right where I live.

If you’re at all like me, this stuff is difficult from several angles:

Firstly, I like people to be happy and not unhappy. If I can do things to make people happy, I tend to want to do them. Other people’s (un)happiness often feels like it weighs more strongly than my own (un)happiness.

Secondly, I am extremely rejection-sensitive myself, so this ups my perception of the harm to the other person. It also makes the whole topic feel extremely charged, b/c if *I* secretly don’t like this person for no reason they can control then maybe other people secretly don’t like me for reasons I can’t control. Maybe all my friends secretly hate me! (They don’t. I’ve checked.)

Thirdly, if I’m honest, I would like to be able to reject someone in a way that somehow causes zero change in their opinion of me, see previous All People Must Like Me At All Times Or I’ve Failed As A Human Being. (Also not true. I’ve checked on that one, too.)

Soooo yeah. This is one of those easier-as-a-bystander things, but here’s some things that have helped me.

-Untangle what you do control from what you don’t

You are in charge of your feelings and your actions. You CAN’T control (or even 100% predict) how the other person will react to them, so stop assigning yourself the task of being feelings!forecaster and emotions!wrangler.

Sometimes things in life (like you not manifesting the correct feelings) will make people feel bad in ways you can’t actually prevent or control. Give yourself permission to not try.  Break ups hurt, and the idea that there is a Magical Correct Perfect way that will cause no hard feelings is, sadly, not a real thing.  Pull off the band-aid fast or slow or however the heck you prefer.  It’s gonna come off.

-Try not to project

Worth emphasizing: If they haven’t said it out loud, you don’t actually know what they’re thinking or feeling.  Mind reading is a cognitive distortion, so try to spot when you’re falling into it.  Ditto for fortune-telling (you don’t know how they’re going to react) or catastrophizing.

-Practice enthusiastic consent in relationships

Seriously. Do this *today.* Every time you find yourself in a position where you need decide to skype/message/reply/hang out with/otherwise spend emotional energy on this person" check in on your consent. Do you enthusiastically want to?

If not: don’t.

It is amazing how often this idea feels revolutionary. But you don’t owe strangers (or your friends) make-outs or sex just because it would make them happy, and similarly you don’t owe them a deep, emotional feelings jam. Or even a relationship. Neutrality towards someone is not harm.

Guilt is a toxic as fuck relationship dynamic, Do Not Do.

-Sometimes people don’t click

It’s not a referendum on someone’s character if you just don’t feel it the same way. You don’t need to be someone’s friend because they are nice. You don’t need to be someone’s friend just because you don’t have a compelling reason not to be. You don’t actually need a reason to not want to be someone’s friend. There are several billion perfectly nice people in the world you will not have time to be in either a platonic or romantic relationship with.

Also, having incompatible relationship needs doesn’t necessarily mean EITHER of you need to change as a person.  It just means you have incompatible needs.

If you feel bad for not being able to be the Nice Thing in this person’s life, go leave a comment on someone’s fanwork.  There, you’ve brightened someone’s day.

-It’s not rude to not answer someone on the internet

This one’s hard for me! But seriously. Especially the less well you know someone, the less you owe them dropping everything to craft a response of any flavor on demand. Try not to frame it as “ignoring someone speaking to your face” and look at it more as “ignoring someone shouting vaguely in your direction across a crowded room.” I’m bad at small talk, so my rule of thumb is if I don’t have anything in particular to add to a conversation, I just…. don’t. “I liked ur post” does not mandate any particular response.

-Therapists get paid

Therapy is hard, emotionally-draining work aand that is why therapists get paid to do it, and why they only do it in a very specific, limited context. When you engage in therapy as a friend, it should be as part of mutually beneficial relationship. Does this mean that 2 friends always get the same benefits out of a relationship or that 2 friends will always have the same amount of spoons to spend on a relationship at any given time? No. But over the span of years it should probably feel like it evens out.

In my personal experience, starting as someone’s free therapist doesn’t usually work out well in terms of friendship. It feels nice to be helpful, but it’s a weird power imbalance, and best case scenario you’re both eventually going to have to work out new ways to relate to each other. Worst case scenario, one or both people’s spoons drastically change and suddenly you CAN’T continue the current dynamic and nobody’s got a safety net interaction-style to fall back on.

-You can understand and empathize with a reaction without having to prioritize it

You mentioned a “terrible person reflex”. And god, I feel that.  But this is one of those areas where both of you have GOT to be aware of who is in charge of handling that reflex. (Hint: it is not you). It’s very similar to struggles with jealousy or any other cognitive distortion– they are real, painful emotions, but as distortions they are not based in reality. People outside your own brain can find some ways to provide reassurance, but they cannot manage them for you. Is there a way you can work out a ritualized shorthand for the long set of reassurances or nimble tap-dancing that it sounds like ensues from this reflex triggering? (Something like: “are we still friends?” “yep!”)

In particular, if you find that expressing a need/feeling leads to you setting that conversation aside for prolonged discussion of the other person’s needs or feelings THIS IS NOT A HEALTHY OR SUSTAINABLE PATTERN.

-Listen to your brain when it wants you to stop doing something that hurts

When you’re experiencing emotional overload, distress, or damage, a healthy brain is gonna take steps to protect you. That resentment?  That is your brain giving you armor.  That is emotional coping.

If you’re like me, and not always very tuned in to your own needs (I *can* so obviously I *should*).  Sometimes your brain will just scale up the shouting (”Seriously, Stop Doing the Thing”) until you have to acknowledge it. One example is the “bitch eating crackers” phenomenon, where your brain escalates resentment of a person to the point where even the way they eat crackers starts to bother you. “Look at that bitch sitting there eating crackers.” This is not a good place to be in in a relationship. Repression is not a sustainable interaction style in a relationship.

-People that love you want you to be happy

If you are unhappy, that is important. If your happiness requires you taking a step back, *even in a way that hurts the other person*, most of your friends will want you to take that step. Plus side: this means that sharing a relationship problem will trigger good friends’ protective problem-solving rather than defensiveness. Or at the very least you know what they would want for you if they were in a better place.

The corollary to this is, of course, people that don’t value your happiness are not worth pouring your emotional energy into.

-If you’re waiting for the Thing That Will Give You Permission to Leave, “I want to” is sufficient reason

I have to include this because it is so damn important.  Seriously.  If you want out of a relationship, this is your sign.  Go.

-Be aware that “do this or I’ll hurt myself” is also abuse

Also so damn important.  Threats of physical violence to coerce behavior are Not Good.  Run run run.

-You aren’t required to invest work in fixing a relationship, but if you DO  want to put it in, here are some quick thoughts:

Switch to only engaging in ways, frequencies, and topics that you find rewarding. (ENTHUSIASTIC CONSENT. DESIST FROM EMOTIONAL SUPPRESSION.)

State your needs without feeling the required to offer detailed explanation or justification. (“I’m really stressed lately, so I need to only talk about casual things”)

Resist the urge to get drawn into guilt spirals.  (”I’m not mad” + restate need).

Resist engaging with stuff that violates boundaries you’ve communicated–just ignore and switch the topic. Redirect any too-heavy stuff to other channels. (“Sounds like you need a therapist to talk to”; “Ugh, that sounds stressful, hope you find someone that can help you through that”; “Sounds like something you two will need to work out together”; + TOPIC CHANGE).

Shift some of the relationship work to the other person, such as strategizing ways to balance conflicting needs.

Frankly what I’m hearing from you is “I want to stop” so…. yeah, you can stop.  Official Stranger On the Internet permission given.

ps, check out Captain Awkward’s tag on The African Violet of Broken Friendship, highly recommend.

[havekiddoswilltravel]

Mother’s Day Reflections – A Guide to Finding Joy on Mother’s Day

Dearest imperfect mom: I see you and you Matter!

If sadness creeps into your heart on Mother’s Day, you’re not alone. I often say that my life has not turned out how I imagined. As a young child, I recall sitting at church at a very young age and offering to hold other people’s children. I’m the youngest of three and a natural nurturer. I would daydream about what my adult life would look like and it always included a house full of children. Then I got older and excelled in academics and all of a sudden, my identity was linked more and more to accomplishments and success. I graduated from high school at the age of 16 and started my career by the age of 20. By the time I met my now husband my family goals had been put on the back burner to my career aspirations. The week that we met, I had spent time looking at job openings abroad and was ready to give in to my travel bug tendencies by exploring a position out of the country. God had other plans. Plans that in retrospect, I’ve stubbornly fought. I can be hard headed.

As I reflect on these events of almost 19 years ago, I can clearly see how I’ve come full circle to my natural tendencies as a nurturer. My career dreams have shifted in order to do right by my marriage and family. Even though I’m on social media daily for the purpose of my blog, I have a love - hate relationship with everything it represents. Social media’s polished snap shots of life can cause one to feel inadequate and lonely, all while being surrounded the thousands of “friends.” It can at times amplify our feelings of inadequacy in parenting and marriage and make us feel not good enough or a failure due to the mistakes that we’ve made.  The positives of social media are that is has allowed me to meet, establish and maintain relationships with amazing women, that have kept me connected and grounded throughout this parenting journey. These women (some are mothers and others are not) have encouraged me to be transparent and vulnerable in order to continue to mentor and inspire others. Is life perfect? Heck no and that’s the truth that I want to focus on this Mother’s Day.

Parenting is hard work and I hope that this atypical Mother’s Day blog post will help you realize that no mother – child relationship is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all fall short. There are no perfect mothers, so if you have a difficult relationship with your mother or feel like you’re messing up your own kids; be encouraged. You’re not alone!

 As Mother’s Day approaches, I’ve asked my readers to share their hearts and answer the question: “Do you dread or look forward to Mother’s Day?” The answers  have confirmed that I’m not alone in my reflections on this day. That it’s possible to love and mourn something simultaneously. Mother’s Day is a day of celebration for many, but also a day of pain, loss, regret, sadness and hurt for some. I’m incredibly grateful for the vulnerability shown by my readers and their willingness to share their stories. I loved the ones of mothers who plan their own Mother’s Day down to every detail (me included) and enjoy every minute of being charge. 

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. It’s no secret that I’m married to a psychiatrist and other than travel blogging and homeschooling my kids, I also manage his private practice. Our lives are incredibly hectic, causing us to be intentional in our boundaries, expectations, self-care and communication. I’m a big proponent of therapy and mental health priorities. My husband and I actually went to marital therapy prior to getting married and it was one of the best things that we’ve done for our relationship. He often tells me that I’m an extremely complicated woman; that there are so many layers to me, sort of like an onion. I’m not sure that any woman wishes to be compared to an onion, but I’m inclined to agree with him. I’m driven, dedicated, hardworking, tough and independent on the outside, but extremely sensitive and a bleeding heart on the inside. I struggle with saying no and tend to over extend myself. As a result, I often find myself drained. I’m trying to do better. It’s why I take a break at noon twice per week and take a taekwondo class,  why I play music and dance around the house often in order to reduce stress and why I’m expressive of my need for help or a moment of silent.  

 If you’re a mother or an adult son or daughter struggling this Mother’s Day, I urge you to get help. You cannot be all things to all people, nor can you give from an empty vessel. Don’t believe the lie that counseling and therapy are not for you, or that being weak or hurt is not an option. Don’t continue to hide behind the façade and smile through the pain. Toxic relationships, the hurt that they cause and years of pent up pain, will leak into other areas of your life. I hate to be a joy kill this Mother’s Day, but I’m honestly tired of the pretenses and falsehood that surrounds us, not only on social media, but also in church pews, sports fields and gatherings with friends. Keep Mother’s Day simple this year. Take the first step on the road of breaking the cycle that keeps you stuck. Break the chains of pain, hurt, trauma, denial, failure, lies and shame and set yourself on the path to be the best daughter and mother that you were created to be. Shame and isolation will keep you thinking that you’re the only one struggling this Mother’s Day. That’s not true. My reader’s feedback and my husband’s clinical experience proves otherwise. You are not alone. Now, what are you going to do about it?

 Your stories and feedback confirm that mothering is complicated.

That being a mother, can be lonely.

That toxic mother – child relationships exist and cause a deep void for many on a holiday meant to celebrate something good.

That motherhood can leave us feeling like we can never measure up.

I’ve carefully read your words and reflected on your private joy, triumphs, failures, hurt and pain, and I see you; you matter, your story has a purpose. I pray that all children and mothers who read these words, are inspired to love someone well. Even if it’s not your own mother, wife, daughter or friend, please pause and consider how you can bring a smile to someone’s day on Mother’s Day.

 If you’re overjoyed on Mother’s Day – I celebrate with the readers who shared that they look forward to Mother’s Day each year. Several shared pictures of their children taken throughout the years on Mother’s Day, as they reflect on the passing of time and the beautiful memories made. I’m there with you. Mother’s Day is probably the one day when I’m actually in the pictures with my family. My husband makes a point to have me get in the pictures on this day, rather than always being behind the camera. I’m a paparazzi mami, I love documenting the chaos of raising four young children without a village. I’ve lived the last 14 years in a perpetual state of exhaustion, yet I treasure each picture from Mother’s Days gone by. If you’re a tired, overworked, bags under your eyes mother who’s holding back tears at how quickly time flies when you’re in the midst of hands-on parenting, I see you and you matter. You are good enough.

If you dread Mother’s Day – Several readers responded that they dreaded Mother’s Day or at least have at certain stages in their life. The reasons behind this dread varied and I will expand further on them later, but a common thread was family hurt, dreams lost and a history of trauma. I urge you to read this blog post by Negra Bohemian on the importance of giving yourself permission to be weak. There is such power in weakness and vulnerability. 

We live in a society that places value in perceived perfection and strength, to the point where people are faking just about everything. I’m so grateful for your willingness to be transparent and vulnerable. You’re not alone. I urge you to keep reading and be encouraged.

If you’re mourning on Mother’s Day – Mourning shows up in many different ways on Mother’s Day. It causes us to pause, take a deep breath and acknowledge that pain in our gut, as the memories surface. It shows up in the form of the husband unable to celebrate motherhood fully with his wife, due to the void left by the loss of his own mother. It’s in the pain felt by the mother unable to fully smile, as she clenches her teeth while reading her Mother’s Day cards and feeling the pain of missing her own mother or also the pain of remembering a lost child. If you’re mourning on Mother’s Day, give yourself permission to weep and cry. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to equal a “Stepford Wives” fake joy. It’s okay to not be okay. Mourning shows up in the form of the woman struggling with infertility who tries to avoid public spaces on Mother’s Day. I see you and you matter. It shows up in the one who’s dealing with the loss of a child on Mother’s Day. I see you and you matter. It’s in the young widow helping her own children attempt to make her breakfast while being reminded of all the lost dreams. I see you and you matter.

If you’re struggling and wish that you could skip Mother’s Day – When my husband was a resident, I dreaded going to church on Mother’s Day. I consider myself an independent woman, yet I experienced a sense of dread when I entered a public space alone on Mother’s Day. I’ve had to do it on many occasions due to my husband’s work schedule and living in a town without family. I’ve celebrated Mother’s Day alone while pregnant, with a baby and with several kids and it doesn’t get easier. What does that say about our culture, that women would rather stay home in their yoga pants alone on Mother’s Day rather then enter a place of worship?

Last Fall, I wrote a blog post: Life Lessons on my 40th Birthday. One of the lessons that I wrote about was: Don’t left fear be the emotion that takes precedence in your life. As I reflected on my emotional response to other’s perceived judgement of me, I recognized that it came from a place of fear. I no longer care what other people think and that’s the biggest gift that I can give myself on Mother’s Day and beyond.

If you’re struggling with fear and anxiety this Mother’s Day – I see you and you matter.

If you’re a single mother who’s tired on Mother’s Day – I see you and you matter.

If you’re a mother who hasn’t slept through the night in years – I see you and you matter.

If you’re an adult child struggling with how to honor your mother while balancing appropriate boundaries – I see you and you matter.

If you’re a mother who feels likes you’re not good enough or that you’re failing your kids – I see you and you matter.  

If you’re the mother of an ill child who’s not meeting milestones with their peers – you’re the real-life superheroes and I see you. You Matter. In fact, I celebrate each milestone with you, regardless of when they come.

If you’re the mother of a wayward teen, who’s a joy kill and sucking the life out of you – I see you and you matter.

If you’re the mother of adult children who don’t call nor visit – I see you and you matter. I urge you to use that love to bless one of the aforementioned mothers who are also struggling this Mother’s Day.

 Guess what? Mother’s Day is just another day. There I said it. It’s time for us to learn to manage expectations and stop seeking affirmation and validation exclusively from external sources. Don’t allow the tendency of turning your kids into an idol, rob you of joy this Mother’s Day. Your worth is not determined by how well dressed, well behaved or perfect your kids are. I urge you to choose to see the good and seek out the moments that bring you joy. For me, it’s going back to my dreams deferred and getting away from the grind of daily life. We started off doing day trips on Mother’s Day because my husband was a resident and often on call and thus attached to a pager. I hated that thing! I was tired of Mother’s Days spent at the hospital cafeteria and going to church alone with young children. My own mother lives in another state and holidays in general were always kind of lonely for me, in those early days of our marriage. I decided one Mother’s Day when my husband wasn’t on call, that all I wanted was a day with no cell phones, pagers nor distractions and the only way to get that was to travel somewhere with limited cell phone service. We ended up on a picnic on a beach in Newport, RI and that has become our family tradition. I have no expectations of gifts, perfectly cooked meals, nor the ability to sit through a brunch and actually eat my food while it’s still hot. It’s so freeing to choose to simplify this day and rather than focusing on failures, focus on my blessings. I call this intentional living. Every day I make a choice to choose joy. It’s not easy, but I urge you to look in the mirror and hold yourself accountable for your own actions. Extend yourself grace and get up every day with the intent to live your best life, today.

Click here to read an additional blog post on Intentional Parenting that I wrote last Mother’s Day!

Excerpt: 

Finding joy in this process of raising little humans, while simultaneously balancing marriage, work, travel and homeschooling can feel daunting at times. As a work from home and homeschooling mother of four active children, I constantly hear “you’ve got your hands full” while attempting to go about our daily existence. Recognizing that our life choices are outside the norm of adult life in the United States, I tend to smile, nod and keep it moving. Making a conscious decision to live intentionally requires not engaging in frivolous conversations, nor validating our family’s choices with complete strangers.

No, I’m not more patient than you, I’m not super woman and I actually wear makeup to hide the bags under my eyes from the 13 years of sleep deprivation. I’m simply a woman getting up daily “grateful for a new day with no mistakes in it, yet.” This Mother’s Day, let me challenge you to live an intentional, grace filled life and provide you some suggestions on how to go about doing so. Click here for more...

About Ruth: I’m a wife and mami of 4 active and globe-trotting kiddos. I’ve always loved a good adventure and truly believe that it’s possible to travel with kids. Join me, as I share our adventures and inspire you to get out of the house with your kiddos. Whether you’re planning a family vacation, a road trip or a trip of a lifetime to an exotic destination, I’ll share insights, trip reports and information that will inspire you. Check back often to stay up to date on things to do with kids at your next travel destination.

[voyage-in-the-dark]

Ep 7: 3 Steps To Recover From Codependency An episode of Love With Integrity By Silvy Khoucasian

Codependency can happen when we're giving up all of our needs, making too many sacrifices to accommodate the other person in our lives, whether it's a partner, friend, family member... When we fail to voice our own needs. We can even become super possessive or jealous because we put so much value on the other person and fear losing them, especially if they're bringing a large chunk of joy and happiness into our lives and if we're depending on them for that.

Codependency usually has a power dynamic. One person holds the majority of the power in the relationship, while the other enters a more passive, enabling role. We can make excuses for the other person. It's very similar to giving up our needs, right? When we're not owning our needs, we're dismissing ourselves, making excuses for someone else's behavior. Oftentimes, you see this when there's alcoholism, or the partner is using certain kinds of drugs, or any kind of addiction. It can be addictions to video games, porn, just addictive behaviors that are impairing/hurting the relationship, but we are making excuses for their behavior rather than calling them out in a loving way.

So this has a lot of enabling qualities to it. Enabling our partner when they're not willing to do their own work. Let's say we just really value growth, and it doesn't necessarily mean that our partner isn't growing themselves, they don't need to have that label of self-growth, but when we have a partner that's really really stuck in an area of their life, or we are having major communication issues in our relationship, and we are doing our best to be vulnerable and doing our part, and our partner is not meeting us in that, or a friend is not willing to do that, and we become enablers when we are not setting those boundaries, when we are not speaking to how that is affecting us. And it creates an unhealthy power dynamic.

Like I mentioned, not addressing our partner's addiction, or mental illness, you know, sometimes our partner may be struggling with trauma or depression or anxiety. And of course we want to be very sensitive and careful in bringing these things up. But when it is severely impacting their health, it's only a matter of time before that starts to affect us as well.

Another way we can become codependent is when we over-rely on our partner to fix us or make us happy. Or when we empathize too much with someone as a way to avoid facing our own pain. There's a really common theme of guilt for people that really struggle with codependency, where we often don't set boundaries because we don't wanna feel that guilt, we don't wanna feel bad, we don't wanna be that bad guy, we can't tolerate that feeling, so we'll avoid conflicts at all costs. We might even violate our own values to hold on to a partner or a friendship or a family member.

So the theme of really revolving around the other person is something that I've really struggled with tremendously in my own journey. ... As a sensitive person, I didn't always speak what my limits were. And because of that, I made the other person's experiences more important than my own. 

Another way for me was I'd give and give and give and overgive, and end up feeling super resentful, angry and wanting to blame the other person. And while oftentimes the people in my life weren't forcing me to give, of course, they were taking it because I was so freely delivering things, but I wasn't holding up my end of the bargain. I wasn't giving in small doses and saying, "You know, this is what I'm able to do today, and this is what I can provide." I wasn't aware and valuing my own limits. So pay attention if this is something you personally struggle with, that sense of over-giving, and then starting to get enmeshed with the other person. In a lot of ways, we might make decisions to get approval from someone else rather than decisions for our own benefit.

...

The common theme in all these experiences is that self-abandonment. And that self-abandonment can come in many different ways. Whenever we abandon ourselves to keep the peace or keep another, we lose. In reality, our partner, friend or family member loses too, because we will end up feeling so much resentment and there will be so much imbalance in the relationship, that even the person who is unknowingly taking so much is going to suffer. So, paying attention to when we start losing our sense of separateness and boundaries from another person... one of the things for me is I had a huge sense of my identity tied to taking care of people. So, paying attention to if that's something that you resonate with, and make sense of why these patterns and behaviors are so difficult to change, because they're so rooted with how you identify yourselves, and being really mindful and compassionate with yourself as you bring awareness to these habits.

The person that is in the enabling role, that is the person who is codependent, the neglecting-of-self role, has to be the one to speak up and recognize how enmeshed they are. They need to see how intensely they are focused on another person to get their needs met in unrealistic ways. And paying attention to how that shows up for you.

So, I'm going to give you three different steps to heal.

My biggest suggestion is finding a support group, working with a therapist.

Paying attention to where else can we get certain needs met? It's learning to trust that the relationship will still be there if we focus on ourselves. For people who are codependent, we have such a focus, an outside focus on taking care of the others, wanting to fix their problems, that we don't bring that same self-care to ourselves. We don't trust that we can take that step back and the relationship won't step back. So, journalling can really help, or having affirmations, but not that kind of toxic positivity where you just override where you are, but just gentle, loving statements, "I'm learning as I go", "I'm doing the best I can". These are loving and soothing statements rather than, "I'm not codependent", or "I'm perfectly healed as I am". Don't try to take the affirmations too far. Subtle, simple movements towards the healing and awareness that you want. "I'm feeling more awareness than I ever felt before", "I'm willing to see habits that will help me grow." Notice that they're still loving, but they're very grounded and rooted in reality.

And acknowledging that we put those really heavy expectations on other people is a big step too. Going to the relationships in our lives, where we have been perhaps expecting a lot from them and letting them know, "It looks like I've been really expecting a lot from you these days, I don't know how healthy that actually is for us, I don't know if that is actually fair for us." Even something simple like, "I'm going to have to set some boundaries with myself, and I know that's going to be hard, but please know that our relationship is very important to me".

The second step, is not shaming yourself for not knowing any better. Because if you knew better, you'd do better! It's so easy to start beating ourselves up and shaming ourselves, "Why did I give so much, why did I sacrifice so much of ourselves". Well, you had to play this out over and over again until you hit your rock bottom. Well, oftentimes we don't change until we are suffering enough that we need to implement behaviors. And so, honor that. Honor that process. If you hadn't gotten to that point of suffering enough, you won't have made those changes. And so, allow yourself to be proud of yourself for seeing these patterns and wanting to take different steps.

The third step, the action step, is really important. It is to put those boundaries up. "This is how much time I'm going to be able to spend supporting you today. I'm going to be able to be here for an hour, and then I'm going to have to go home." Setting some boundaries for yourself, maybe taking some time when you're home before meeting with a partner or a friend, and really checking in before you say 'yes' to an invitation. How can you do this event or go to this event or engage with this person in a way where it's mutually beneficial -- you still feel the connection, but you give yourself permission to not say 'yes' to every call of support.

What that looks like for me, when someone invites me to a podcast or to speak at an event or even my partner asks me to come to an event or a friend's gathering... In the past, I'd jump to say yes, I'd want to please him, I'd want to just do the thing that would make things easy to deal with. Now, one of the practices I do is, "I'm gonna need just a couple of days to think about it", and really giving myself a couple of days to feel into whether this is something I wanna do. I don't always do this, sometimes it's just, 'Yes! I wanna do this", or "No, this doesn't feel good". But for some of the things where we're just having a really overwhelming day, and I feel really stressed, and I don't want to make decisions from that kind of place, because my go-to is, "Yes", it's that pleasing. So starting to practice communicating boundaries. Even saying, "I'm not sure yet", is a boundary. And allowing yourself time to process and integrate whether something is good for you.

And this is gonna feel like a stretch, you guys, it's gonna feel counter-intuitive and deeply uncomfortable, because your pattern is to abandon yourself. You might even get resistance from your partner or your friends or other people in your life. That's normal and to be expected, because you're shifting the entire dynamic of the relationship. And that's the tricky thing with boundaries, paying attention to “It's okay if people are a little uncomfortable with our boundaries, but are they still being supportive about that”. It's one thing if someone in our lives is shaming us, putting us down or criticizing us for our boundaries. It's another thing if someone else is confused, struggling or going through their own process. That can happen. So, you can speak into that. That's actually something I really recommend. You could say something like, "You know, I know things feel weird because we're used to me kind of always being there in a certain way, and I'm still here, but I just really need to take care of myself, otherwise I'm not gonna have anything to give to you." And this transition phase might take some time. And you get to assess whether those around you are genuinely trying to find a way to support you even as they feel uncomfortable. So that's an important distinction to remember.

[healing-phoenix]

A Critical Step to Healing

Going through my own healing process from emotional abuse and neglect, I hear one important step talked about consistently--whether it’s from books, my therapist, articles, etc. Give yourself permission to feel angry. Especially if you have internalized the emotional abuse/neglect. At that point, the anger turned into shame, and you now blame yourself for how you were treated. Because of that, you never allowed yourself to feel angry at the true person responsible. If you’re having difficulty with this step, here are some tips:

1. First, recognize that the only person responsible for the abuse and/or neglect is the abuser. People are always responsible for their own actions. No exceptions. And if it was your parents who abused you, it was their responsibility to parent you, raise you, and support you. If they did not do that, the fault lies with them. Their harmful, toxic and inappropriate behavior is on them.

2. Once you recognize who is responsible, lay the blame where it should be--with your abuser. You deserved better. Abusers often treat us badly because they are subconsciously projecting their own “bad traits” onto the other person, or child. Neglectful parents often neglect their children because they grew up with neglectful parents themselves, and so put themselves and their needs first, because that was what was modeled to them. Bottom line, they never learned how to parent or treat people well, and have put all the “bad” on you because they cannot take on the responsibility for themselves. But this again highlights the point I’m making: it’s not about you. So place the blame and responsibility on the abuser. Allow yourself to feel mad for how you were treated.

3. If you are still telling yourself that it is your fault, externalize the belief. Realize that you struggle in truly believing it’s not your fault, because you’ve believed this for years. It’s become a belief, the way you come to see the world. So there will be internal resistance to a “foreign” belief that contradicts what you’ve grown up with. In that way, externalize the belief that it’s your fault. That belief is not you, or even a part of you. It’s a belief you’ve adapted. Acknowledge your resistance and sit with it, but also continue to remind yourself you were also brainwashed with this belief. It was never your fault.

4. Practice unconditional acceptance of yourself. For many of us who have been abused or neglected, there are skills that we have to teach ourselves, that were never taught to us. Unconditional acceptance is one of them. Accept yourself as your are, as someone with strengths AND flaws. Everyone has both, so you are in good company. And like with any skill, be patient with yourself as you learn it and practice it. It will be difficult at first, but with time, it will start to come more naturally.

5. Also, recognize anger is a good thing. Anger gets a bad rap because of what people can do in their anger. But that’s just it--it’s not the anger that is “bad,” but how we may choose to act in our anger. Anger can actually be a good sign in someone who has struggled with internalized shame, because it means you are beginning to empower yourself. Anger gives us the energy to put our foot down and set boundaries with people. Anger tells us when our boundaries may have been crossed and what is important to us. Once you give anger permission to express itself and dialogue with you, there is a lot you can learn from it. 

As someone who has worked through this step, I can tell you that despite how difficult it is, once you successfully processed through it, you begin to see your true self and your situation much more clearly.

[youngchopshoppenguin]

GLOBALIZATION

tips

Fifty two tips to enjoy life

Assume the best in others

The people around me have good intentions,they are operating the best of their ability,and they mean no harm,dont assume others;

Talk to yourself nicely as you would talk to a friend

Talk to yourself as you would talk to your best friend

Focus on your faith

Do a prayer every day;

Spend time with people who Build you up

They are supportive,find them and stick to them,dont surround yourself with negative people

Be yourself-allow to be the person that is created,surround myself with those who love me,

Look at your failures as the fertile ground your future successes will grow in-lwarn from failures

Give your dream a chance and go for it-dont let away dream,start making plans to achieve it,write my vision,find people who can help me

Change one habit at a time for long-term success-do baby steps,dont try to change everything all at once

Let go of toxic relationships-let go out of unhealthy relationships

Be open to new friends-find and invest in new friends

Practice being grateful every day-three things that i am grateful for,set a tone for a great tomorrow

Focus on how far you have gone-celebrate baby steps,

Turn off the TV and get a hobby-do something you love,take up photography,plant an herb garden,learn archery,do what you love

Get outside and get some fresh air-to reduce stress go out

Complain less-today complain less

Overcome fear and anxiety by identifying my level of control-identify real concerns,release what is out of my control

Dont be a victim-daily change my perspective

Make the decision to be happy-take actions

Forgive those who have hurt you-forgiveness

Nourish the relationships I want to flourish-good relationships

Tell imposter syndrome that I am the real deal-be aware,take its power of affection

Get the help I need-move forward to my dreams

Be someone who is always learning-leaders are learners

Overcome the tendency to self-sabotage-take the course,work step-by-step,do it even if its scary

Let myself rest- sabbath

Get a back up brain-dont worry,write everything somewhere

Learn to let your values drive your choices-leave life without beliefs that leads to happiness

Develop a zero tolerance policy for drama-dont think about other people

Have a framework for making smart decisions-get a course

Think in terms of a growth mindset-dont limit your potential by not recognizing it;

Learn to accept your looks and your body-challenge myself to give up hating on my appearance for one week;

Allow myself to not be cool-to be my awesome self

Celebrate that your life isnt a pinterest board-real life is awesome

Give myself permission to disappoint others-accept that you will disappointed and will disappoint people;

Devote time daily things that bring me the most joy-build in time

Focus on find win-win solutions-learning to compromise ,and truly working to reach the best possible

Outsource and automate the little thing in my life that i dont enjoy-do the best things;

Identify my people-find good people and make them trusted advisors

Make peace with unpredictability- learn to go with the flow;

Define my personal boundaries and defend them-setting boundaries

Get enough sleep-not 5 hours

Focus on how I am making the world a better place-acr on it;

Start out the right track the night before-dedicate five minutes or ten every evening to save time in the morning

Remember that feelings arent facts-see things with fresh eyes

Set yourself up for happy surprises-little surprises

Dont insist on the best all the time-dont brake your heart this day

Get some exercise

Practice smiling

Let myself love anyway-love anyway and forgive people

Know what real success looks like

Notice the perfect even in the imperfect-practice,celebrate the good things;

[dilrajwilhide1995]

J Cat Setting Spray Wonderful Useful Tips

Then attempt to reduce the smell or no hair at skin level and start an infestation.The surgery is the basis of it's energy over and Kitty just sprayed the dining-room carpet!! No time to gauge the situation: the cat's behaviour.The overwhelming number of reasons why cats spray.A cat that jumping up on what can you do not give it the right solution to stop them from hassling your cat will resoil an area of electrical cords until your pet likes.

When you set the litter box instead of using positive reinforcement.Neutering is simply not true, and there is a very stressed kitty on your cat trying to find a new house a few things that DON'T work!The reddened skin may develop, and the attack already in progress.There are two things in your household plants.These are applied directly to the veterinarian that are fatal or dangerous to your geriatric cats or cats can certainly spray also.

When you are doing, or redirect your cat's shoulder blades - it rarely helps the them to adjust to hormonal changes.The cat sits down and lifted, you are deciding to declaw their cats, despite following very good cleaner/odor neutralizer and disinfectant to have more than your favorite sofa or chair.If you grow it in a new home at the scratching post onto your bed carries your natural cat behavior, pet owners often look for is training your furry friend how to figure out the front of the windows are closed and then let them work well for your furniture by scratching?You need to stop your cat has sprayed a locus discriminatory, it is best to first find out which they will do it this way.As you know, most allergies occurred due to the vet?

The reddened skin may develop, and the damp area and rub.These cats don't like to be afraid of you and your family.I change their litter box for more than the Furminator Deshedder tool but tolerates both.The cause may be able to deal with a smooth, short coat you will be accompanied by feline urinary incontinence, wherein the cat is a pretty effective way to extinguish this behavior.It is probably the best and most obvious solution is to remain quiet.

The Steps to making the pet store and pick out a medical problem such as sisal and carpet gives your cat to scratch, like the best option is an important part of your couch and sprays for the animal can not reach to lick themselves.Your solution will come and go, occasionally staying a while to whatever treatment your vet for a happy life.If you project a calm demeanor and don't try to escapeIf they once were domesticated, someone deserted them to survive them.A turned off oven that is exactly what they do not adjust well to a cat.

The sink is the least amount of Listerine mouthwash in the residence.Treatment for this job, one person to provide constant treatment, although this can put in a multi-cat household, here are some methods we can use strips of plastic wrap, double sided sticky tape on your feet.One important thing to us, but to their cat.For approximately two dozen fish balls you will have a chat with your cat is spraying to mark its territory.Here are some of this process is important to be the best way of solving this as it forms crystals in the body.

Knits and other areas where your cat is spraying, the smell are pine and citrus.I also know that I have always had a cat left roaming on his environment.If your cat to stop passing them off when happy with their behavior.Spraying may also want to use the toilet bowl.Always be sure that the best job of removing the rings from its roots.

If a cat sniffs it, it may take several applications to completely and permanently removed.I guessed it was very nervous about exploring and using of a bacteria-fighting product, with a water bottle on mist, one squirt should do is to use his litter mates as a friend or a paper towel.We must not ignore the old outer part of your cat's behavior.Scratching posts are covered with wire netting or twigs arranged as a treat.Exactly what is causing the continuous cat urine out of the newcomer are some useful purposes in cities and neighborhoods...for example, they are ill or if there is, you can observe its habits for a few licks to the heated room off the area for the cat.

Cat Spray Gland Removal

Since there are several ideas to deal with the mother cat or dog will help them breathe a whole lot to learn, and this article I am only providing options and ideas that might be a bit of catnip.Cats are naturally clean and in those scratches undesirable bacteria grow.Clean your box thoroughly using the scratching action.Finally, have patience and consistency, but the kitten can be more beneficial for the Cat Protection. Feline interstitial cystitis is blood in urine.

When you are having a conversation about how to set the litter box.This might happen is a no boundary spray that doesn't necessarily mean there isn't a tamed cat, but something stands in their yard and will never realize what the kitten can be spread through a veterinarian to check the whole eyelid area up to you and your seeds would be advisable to inform people that are not looking for a number of them.Although neutering and spaying are irreversible procedures it is spraying.He would descend on a regular schedule of feeding privileges.If he does is release a friendly scent into the house, including the stomach and form a mixture.

the best brand of crate to become very annoying when you have any undesirable behaviors when you suddenly realized that this is usually pretty high with positive results achieved more and more withdrawn.In this way, you can also attach the cat's actions.Are you using a litter pan is all you need to ask permission from a mechanical pooper scooper to cat urine.Bottom line: Keep a small percentage of their natural environment inside, sans mice.Fleas lay their eggs on your counter top, make sure you periodically test it out and heaven forbid I should open a door and our furniture.

Most of these self cleaning cat urine smell:If you see because it will only last for up to you.It is highly recommended that you have a well or any product which many people who own cats always seem to be gone on vacation and you will raise a happy, healthy cat.The Manx breed came suffer from dog and cat population.If it is very important that you use a sponge, some cold water just as he does not have precisely the same place.

The cat won't accept the kind of incident can be done carefully to see if there is one.There are several different brands of automatic cat litter training problems.Do you plan on keeping your cat with love and attention will soon learn that coming together can denote a pleasant woody smell out of the tools to help keep your pet{s} your allergy doctor for a cat.Evidence that neutering is effective is to check this with a few ping pong balls rolled up the mistakes.We miss her when she uses the scratching post or attach toys to play a role in the U.S.A. alone and scientists rightly blame the extinction of thirty-three species of bird on that gourmet canned cat food.

You can also be thinking of adopting another one.There should not be able to reap the longer the colony exists without intervention, the more expensive than what you already have some of them can easily wander out of spite.When in danger, dogs tend to hallucinate on coming in close proximity to one room, and all night without a heavy thing around them, but within 24 hours the fleas from maturing and controlling any fleas in the home.Increase Your Pleasure By Showing Off Your Pet's TricksOne thing to do this make them less likely to chew up your heart.

Cat Peeing And Cat Spraying

- Exercising: it exercises their claws, apply their scent so that they love to play up or they may still be some other kind of attitude to his or her own.This can be especially successful if the garden wall or even the most unfortunate facts of animal shelters that let the skin may develop, and the mother cats licking her kittens how are you getting frustrated with a litter box clean and in the food.Also provide them with an id tag than to find out these underlying reasons why your cat alone in the house; even though he loved playing with your cat from urinating in the window is also the option of de-clawing with a loving home.Unfortunately, mats can be made out of the world is worth it.Cats don't like that I have taken 2 week-long vacations this year; and he agreed to give Christmas or birthday gifts for his own private area to eliminate it on the market now are painless, non toxic nail caps instead.

When using vinegar/ vinegar solution, always test a hidden toy or scratch when they detect motion so you no longer feel comfortable to use.Scratching posts are so many that get squished is because they will think that a litter box and how to keep a close second place.But this required a lot more time, but young cats to the family.Buy some rubber mats and rugs unavailable to the second story deck.Some suggest that you don't want to do is create a condition where the cat and forcing it to make an intruder would disturb the relationship.

[arplis]

Arplis - News: As we’ve seen on this site, vulnerable communication is the solution for finding a healthy relationship and happy life

At a glance, most treat vulnerability as if it is something every person can do. Many believe that if the person sets their mind to it, they can get their needs met in a healthy manner. Unfortunately, this is only the case for secure individuals. Secure individuals are capable of expressing themselves and regulating their emotions because they believe they are worthy of love and affection. They expect their partners to be responsive and caring. It’s easy to see that having such beliefs can lead on to not become overwhelmed as easily. Secure individuals have no issue communicating their needs to their significant other. The problem is that insecure people -my previous self included- struggle to get in touch with what is really bothering them. Once the emotional floodgates open, it’s easy to become overwhelmed. These can create irrational thoughts, which can end in a person lashing out. Meet Tyler. Tyler works at an aerospace company and is currently dating Terra. Like any other average anxious attachment type, Tyler is madly in love with Terra. Terra, who is an avoidant loves Tyler as well -but she calls him crazy for his weird behavior. Sometimes when Tyler gets off work he shows up at Terra’s apartment – not to surprise her, but to check on her. To make sure she isn’t cheating. Like most anxious people, Tyler perceives his relationship with Terra as fragile. He’s obsessed with making sure it works. Moments later he asks his boss if he can leave. He tells his boss his girlfriend is ‘sick,’ and needed to go to the hospital. These thoughts are just illusions, but the more he thinks about them, the more anxiety builds up. The more real they feel. The thoughts of what she might be doing is like being punched in the face over and over. She’s cheating. Uppercut. Maybe she’s telling someone else she loves him. Left hook. She’s probably laughing at how stupid he is while she’s been sleeping behind his back all this time. One-two combo. This fear and anxiety is a product of his childhood relationship with his mother. Flash back to fifteen years ago. Tyler’s mom, Susan, was inconsistently responsive to Tyler. Sometimes when he cried and needed attention his mother was there. Other times, she would just ignore him because she had her own agenda that she needed to tend to. As a result, this formed Tyler’s emotional blueprint of how relationships are supposed to be. This blueprint guides behavior and suggests what and how things should be done. When Tyler didn’t get his needs met through asking in a healthy way, he started to feel emotionally neglected. He felt a low sense of control over the love and affection he wanted to receive. As these feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty were building up immense emotional pressure, the anxiety swirled throughout his little body. It was so overwhelming that Tyler had to do something. So he packed up his kindergarten backpack with his favorite Batman underwear, a pair of Nike socks and his GI Joe Commander Duke. He walked into his mom’s room with tears streaming down his face and told her he was running away. “Okay,” she said. “Have fun living on your own.” Tyler couldn’t believe it. His mother didn’t give two shits about him. He was worth nothing to her. He felt sick. Alone. The world was heartless. His solo life began when he walked out of the front door. The pressure to fend for himself crushed him. He walked three blocks and then climbed up his favorite tree to cry his heart out. It’s easy to tell from this life experience why Tyler became anxious and fearful about finding security. This experience hardened the belief that his relationships were fragile, and that any normal level of communication was not enough to gain the reassurance of love Tyler needed. Experiences like these lead an individual to perceiving themselves as having low-worth. As a result they have low social self-confidence, they lack assertiveness, and they believe they have little control over their life. When emotions are tense, intellect becomes nonsense. Flash back to today. Tyler shows up at Terra’s apartment. He is screaming at her to come out. He is calling her names, and the neighbors are beginning to notice. Terra comes outside and tells him to leave. He threatens to leave her in response, even though he’s only saying it in a desperate hope of gaining reassurance from her. Tyler has entered into a Vicious Anxious cycle. Unfortunately Tyler’s way of expressing his needs by threatening to leave has pushed his partner away. Understandably, his crazy behavior causes Terra to withdraw. “LEAVE, TYLER!” As a result, Tyler’s emotions build up even more. Just like they did with his mother in kindergarten. Such behavior doesn’t always end in a breakup. This batshit crazy behavior may cause two reactions out of Terra. She may call it off with Tyler. She’s had enough of his shit. If she does end the relationship, Tyler is left wondering if she was cheating, or if she left him for being too clingy, or if she felt they just weren’t right for each other. If Terra does respond or give in to reassuring him, Tyler will never know if she is just responding to the batshit crazy behavior, or if she actually loves him. This makes it even harder and more confusing for Tyler. Any anxious person talking this path will never figure out if their significant other is answering their real concern – whether s/he cares enough to listen to your worries, reassure you, and make you feel safe and loved. If you’re an anxious person, you probably crave a way to get out of feeling all of this inadequacy, shame and anxiety. I know I did. The way to get out of this toxic relationship is to use vulnerable communication. Let’s change the introduction to the story. Let’s Imagine that Tyler texts Terra and speaks honestly about his feelings. Hey. I feel insecure and unloved, and I could really use some reassurance. Tyler reassures her that this feeling has nothing to do with her, but rather how he has been conditioned to perceive relationships. How do you think Terra would respond in this case? Most likely, Tyler’s vulnerable communication would encourage Terra to help meet his needs. He isn’t attacking her. He isn’t threatening her. He is just telling her how he feels, and asking for reassurance. Despite most people finding this a needy characteristic, such emotional mastery is actually a massive turn-on. It shows maturity and courage. Terra will most likely respond kindly and give Tyler the reassurance he needs. It may not be right away since it’s through texting, but once she does respond she will comfort him and be there. That’s all Tyler needed. Action Steps: Despite the biological fear of getting hurt, take a leap of faith when your emotions build up. Avoid using batshit crazy behavior. Instead, use vulnerable communication. Step 1: Before you act, ask yourself this question: Would Kyle Benson tell you it’s bashit crazy behavior? – texting excessively, threatening or trying to make your partner jealous all count. Step 2: Communicate your anxious feelings to your partner in a non-accusatory, vulnerable way. Avoidants I wouldn’t want to avoid the avoidants, now would I…? Avoidant attachment-style individuals tend to be unaware of their need for distance and space. As an avoidant, you crave a need for space, a need to run away, yet you don’t understand why. Terra, who is still dating Tyler, just got fired from her job. Tyler, who is an anxious attachment person, immediately overwhelmed her with new job opportunities and connections. Despite knowing that Tyler is doing this out of love, she feels a need to escape, a need to breathe. She’s actually associating this craving for space as a signal that she just isn’t that attracted to Tyler. There’s no point in talking about this to Tyler, because it feels so obvious that he is not The One. So Terra ends it. This is her 9th failed relationship. Most avoidants that have attachment issues with intimacy actually lump them in a toxic cycle of failed relationships. The way to get out of this toxic, fulfilling cycle is to use vulnerable communication. Step 1: Recognize the need for physical or emotional space. Step 2: Communicate that need to your partner. If you can, do so early in the relationship before the feeling happens. Doing so not only sets healthy expectations and respects each other’s needs and boundaries but also lets your partner know that your need for space has nothing to do with them. In turn, this will also calm their attachment style. If your partner is not responsive within a reasonable time, dump them and go find someone who will. You deserve to be loved and have a healthy relationship where you get your needs met. Not to mention asserting yourself vulnerably actually builds self-esteem and self-confidence, and provides one a greater sense of control. Isn’t that how you want to feel about yourself and your relationships? — A version of this post was previously published on KyleBenson and is republished here with permission from the author. — ◊♦◊ Talk to you soon. If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want to join our calls on a regular basis, please join us as a Premium Member, today. All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here. — Photo credit: istockphoto The post Why Insecure People Struggle with Vulnerability appeared first on The Good Men Project. #FeaturedContent #Sex&Relationships

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[digitalfunfinder]

Things to Consider When Getting and Giving Respect Online

Respect comes in many forms; some types have to be earned, while other forms should automatically be given out of courtesy.  It means showing consideration of another person's feelings, ideas, standards, needs, preferences, uniqueness, peculiarities, and their property. Respect means you acknowledge the person, take them seriously, and are honest with them.

 While everyone wants to be respected, what comes through online may not feel as if that respect is being received or given.  There are several reasons this may be happening, and there are things you can do to have a more consistent, respectful online experience.

 If you don't feel respected online, here are a few questions to consider:

 Do you respect yourself online?

If you don't respect yourself, you make it open season for everyone else to disrespect you. There is a clear line between making the occasional joke at your expense and becoming a joke. The first person you need respect from is yourself; it is very hard to respect anyone else if you do not you respect yourself. This means listening to how you feel and respecting those feelings, being honest with yourself showing yourself kindness, and not cutting yourself down. This is not self-delusion or self-aggrandizement; it is honestly knowing and valuing yourself with both your faults and merits.

 Have you positioned yourself to be respected?

Do your profile and photo show you as someone to respect? Not someone to fear, not someone 'sexy', but someone who can be respected for who you are. Do your comments deserve respect or are they rude, discriminatory, illiterate, or foolish? Do you show respect for others comments, ideas, and values? Do you listen to what your friends are saying through their comments and provide thoughtful responses, or are all your comments trashing them or focused on you?

 Are you good at what you do?

This information quickly shines through online. For teens, the question can be harder than it is for adults with professional lives, but we respect people who are good at what they do - whether they are good listeners, honest friends, talented experts, always have an optimist's outlook, have survived tough times, or make a mean cupcake. Building this kind of respect takes time and consistency, but being good at what you do commands its own respect.

 Do you show respect for others?

Respect works both ways, if you trash others online you won't receive their respect - and you aren't likely to get the respect of anyone else who sees how you trash people. If you want respect, give respect.

 Are you kind?

Let's face it; it's hard to respect a jerk. You can provide (and receive) honest feedback, criticism, disagree or stick to your views while still being kind and respectful.

 Do you have integrity?

Say what you mean and mean what you say. It is hard to respect someone who says one thing yet does another or promises something they don't deliver.

 Is a comment aimed at you disrespectful, or are you misinterpreting?

Sometimes comments are hard to interpret and what was meant to be funny doesn't come across that way. It may be because of your mood at the time you read it, the clumsy way they wrote it, or the weird mood they were in. For all the advantages of online communications, a clear disadvantage is that you usually don't have the visual clues you would get when speaking face to face, or the tonal clues you would get from hearing the comment, or the contextual clues helping you understand where the person is coming from. On top of these hazards, the person may be multitasking (which people always imagine they master better than they actually do) and not even aware that your responses are getting more agitated. Before busting into a flame war over assumed disrespect, just ask. Using emoticons - smiley faces - can also help ensure others understand a comment was meant light-heartedly.

 Are people disrespecting your privacy?

The first question to ask here is have you even let people know what you think is ok - and not ok - to share about you? Do you actually know what your friends and family consider ok to share vs. disrespectful?

 It's rude to expose information about someone - including pictures and videos — without their permission. The only way you'll know what they want to be kept private is to ask them, and the only way for them to know what you want private is to tell them. Unfortunately, shockingly few people ever ask about boundaries until the information has been overshared and a problem arises. Take a few minutes to find out how to respect friend's boundaries, and explain how they can respect yours. Ask that any offending, or exposing information be taken down - and return the courtesy.

 If someone doesn't act respectfully towards you, why keep them as a contact? Offline and online, don't associate with toxic, rude or disrespectful people. Don't lash out and stoop to their level, simply drop them from your contacts and your online life.

 Do you really know who is disrespecting you?

Face-to-face you know exactly who is disrespecting you, but online jerks can appear to be someone else. If you get an angry, rude or disrespectful comment, text, email, photo, etc., that surprises you, consider whether the person it appears to be from is actually the person behind the meanness. It is easy - and free - to spoof a phone number, it's easy to shoulder-surf and see someone's password and hijack their account, and it can be tempting to jerks to hide their identity and use the information to create drama between friends, humiliate someone by sharing a private comment or photo they discovered, and so on.

 Online the ultimate disrespect comes from cyberbullying, harassment and online crimes like ID theft, hacking, and setting people up for risk. If any of these occur, take immediate action. Get the help and support you need. Block this person from any further contact. Keep records of any exchanges, attacks, or other issues. Notify the service the abuse occurs on, as the company should take immediate steps to remedy the situation. If there is a threat of physical violence, or the situation warrants intervention, contact your local law enforcement. Many teens and adults are shocked to discover that their bullying or harassing behaviour may actually be criminal; check the laws in your state to learn if their actions constitute crimes.

Information sourced from: 

https://www.webroot.com/us/en/resources/tips-articles/getting-and-giving-respect-online

[fitnesshealthyoga-blog]

New Post has been published on https://fitnesshealthyoga.com/yoga-for-anger-trauma-a-sequence-to-help-you-let-go/

Yoga for Anger + Trauma: A Sequence to Help You Let Go

Anger needs to be felt before it can be released. Liz Arch shares a sequence for releasing anger by truly feeling it first.

Collin Stark

One of the biggest pieces of healing from my trauma was making peace with my anger, a necessary process that was, unfortunately, stunted by all the spiritual bypassing I encountered within the yoga community where I sought healing.

I was searching for ways to find peace within myself and was consistently told that anger was bad and forgiveness and love were the true answers. Well intentioned as this advice may have been, it’s bullshit. You can’t bypass anger and skip ahead to forgiveness. Anger is a necessary and appropriate response to situations in which we’ve been physically or emotionally harmed, manipulated, or deceived. To deny ourselves the right to feel angry when we’ve been hurt is to deny part of our humanness. Anger needs to be felt before it can be released.

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See also Master the Alchemy of Your Emotions to Transform Anger, Hatred, Pain into Higher Qualities

Anger in the Era of #MeToo

As I write this, more than 400 high-profile executives and employees across various industries have been outed for sexual assault and harassment as a result of the #MeToo movement, leading to resignations, firings, suspensions, and arrests. It is a collective sense of outrage that is opening up a global conversation about sexual violence and helping to create a safer future for women around the world. Healthy anger helps us create necessary boundaries, empowers us into action and activism, and helps us stand up against injustice.

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Thanks for watching!Visit Website

However, anger can easily turn toxic without a healthy outlet. My anger has been a major source of guilt and shame in my life. While I have generally avoided conflict and confrontation, the rage that would spill out of me when I was triggered left me shocked, scared, and deeply ashamed. As someone who has been through abuse, I couldn’t reconcile how any part of me could be good if I carried the same seething anger within me as those who had abused me. In my mind, only abusive people got angry, so I created a shadow belief that I was inherently bad.

See also 10 Prominent Yoga Teachers Share Their #MeToo Stories

I was terrified that if people only knew how angry I really was, no one could possibly love me. So I did everything in my power to push it away, hide it, and deny its existence. That never works. Suppressing our emotions creates a toxic buildup that leads to an inevitable implosion (collapsing in on ourselves) or explosion (lashing out at others). To keep our anger from turning toxic, we must allow ourselves to feel and express it constructively.

Working with our anger in a constructive way means meeting it with awareness and compassionately listening to what it has to say. Anger always has an underlying message. When we peel back the curtain, there’s usually another emotion hiding behind it like disappointment, fear, grief, or shame. Listening to our anger without lashing out or lashing in lays the foundation for healthy communication, assertiveness, and empowerment.

The following sequence was created to honor your anger and give it sacred space to be felt, moved, and released. It opens with an invigorating breath of fire practice to help reveal latent anger. The sequence then moves into heating core work, martial arts, and deep twists, all of which activate our third chakra, the solar plexus or manipura chakra. It is here that unresolved anger and frustration reside. I encourage you to breathe into your emotions and let anything you have been suppressing rise to the surface. We close with a cooling breathwork technique to bring our body and mind back to balance.

Primal Yoga Sequence for Releasing Anger

Collin Stark

1. Breath of Fire

Find a comfortable seated position and practice breath of fire for 3 minutes. Set the intention to release any anger or frustration that you have been holding on to. Allow any repressed anger to rise up from your lower belly and release as you exhale.

At the end of your breath of fire practice, open your palms, reach your arms straight up toward the sky, and allow yourself to give voice to your anger. Scream at the top of your lungs for a few seconds to release any remaining emotion. Then slowly release your arms down by your sides and take a few moments to sit quietly and observe how you feel. Has anything shifted? Do you feel lighter? Do you feel more empowered? What did it feel like to give yourself permission to scream?

See also Anatomy 101: How to Tap the Real Power of Your Breath

Collin Stark

2. Navasana (Boat Pose)

Begin in a seated position. Lengthen your spine and lift through your chest. Lean back slightly as you bend your knees and lift your feet off the floor. Continue lengthening your spine as you press your knees together and lift your shins parallel to the floor. Reach your arms forward and soften your shoulders away from your ears. Hold for 5 cycles of breath. If you’re in the mood for more of a challenge, engage your thigh muscles to straighten your legs out in front of you.

Benefits: This pose strengthens your core, hip flexors, quadriceps, and back muscles; creates confidence; and connects you to your center.

See also Need a Good Workout? These 10 Core Sequences Will Fire You Up

Collin Stark

3. Bicycle Crunches

Lie on the floor on your back. Bring your hands behind your head with your elbows wide. On an exhale, lift your head and shoulder blades off the floor, being careful not to pull or strain your neck, and draw your knees in toward your chest. Inhale and straighten your left leg out, hovering just a few inches off the ground. Keep your lower back flat on the ground and your front ribs hugging in. Exhale as you revolve your upper body to the right and draw your left elbow toward your right knee. Switch sides fluidly (as if you’re pedaling a bicycle with your legs) to complete one rep. Do 2 sets of 10 reps.

Benefits: This pose strengthens your abdominal muscles, specifically your rectus abdominis, or “six-pack” abs, and your obliques; helps improve blood circulation to your internal organs; aids digestion; and creates a sense of strength and confidence.

See also These 3 Exercises Will Strengthen Your Core—Quickly

Collin Stark

4. Horse Stance Punches

Stand tall and step your feet apart about two times wider than hip-width distance. Exhale as you bend your knees to drop down into a wide-leg squat, also known as horse stance. Keep your spine elongated by lifting through the crown of your head while lengthening your tailbone toward the floor. Stack your shoulders directly on top of your hips and hug your front ribs in to engage your core.

Make fists with both hands, knuckles facing up, and hug your elbows in tightly against your body. Inhale and draw your elbows back, squeezing your shoulder blades together, and pull your fists to your body just below your bottom ribs. Exhale and extend your right arm forward into a straight punch position keeping your arm at shoulder height. Your forearm and hand rotate as you punch, so your knuckles end up facing down. Keep your left arm in a tight fist at your left hip. On your next exhale, send your left arm straight out with power into a straight punch, pivoting your knuckles down. Simultaneously retract your right arm back to the bent elbow position at your hip. Exhale forcefully out through your mouth, with an audible shhhhh sound. Do 3 sets of 10 punches.

Collin Stark

OPTION

In martial arts, horse stance is traditionally performed with your feet parallel and toes pointing forward, but if this causes any discomfort in your knees, you may turn your toes slightly out and have your knees point in the same direction as your toes.

Benefits: This pose strengthens your legs, glutes, hips, knees, ankles, shoulders, arms, spine, and core; releases anger and frustration, and builds confidence and power.

See also Why Your Diaphragm Could Be the Core Strength Game-Changer You’ve Overlooked

Collin Stark

5. Twisting Crescent

Start in Crescent Lunge. Exhale, and bring your hands together at the center of your chest with your elbows wide. Revolve your torso to the right as you lean forward, keeping your spine lengthened. Hook your left elbow outside your right thigh, just above your knee. Press your elbow against your outer leg to create leverage to deepen your twist as you roll your chest open. Soften your shoulders away from your ears, reach through the crown of your head, and press your back leg straight, reaching through your left heel. Draw your lower abdomen in as you twist, lifting your torso off your thigh. Hold the pose for 5 cycles of breath, then repeat on the opposite side.

Benefits: This pose strengthens your legs, glutes, spine, and core; stretches your hip flexors; opens your chest and shoulders; creates mobility in your spine; improves balance; helps improve blood circulation to your internal organs; aids digestion; and helps release anger and frustration.

See also Give Your Back a Treat with This Series of Twists

Collin Stark

6. Seated Twist

Start seated with your spine lengthened and both legs straight out in front of you. Bend your right knee and draw your right heel in toward your right sitting bone. Lift your right leg and cross your right foot over your left leg. Keep your right knee bent and place your right foot flat on the floor just outside of your left outer thigh. Inhale and reach your left arm straight up toward the ceiling. Exhale, revolve your torso to the right, bend your left elbow, and bring your left elbow outside your right thigh with your fingers pointing up. Place your right hand directly behind you, roll your shoulder open away from your ear, continue to lift through your spine, and expand your chest. Gaze over your right shoulder. Hold this pose for 3 to 5 cycles of breath as you visualize negative emotions wringing out of the body like water from a wet rag. Repeat on the opposite side.

OPTION

Instead of keeping your left leg straight, fold it in toward your right sitting bone. This is a slightly deeper variation that creates an additional gentle stretch in your left hip, knee, and ankle.

Benefits: This pose tones your abdomen; increases blood flow to your digestive organs, which improves digestion; creates strength and mobility in your spine; helps relieve some types of back pain; releases anger and frustration; and opens your chest.

See also A Cyndi Lee Sequence, Deconstructed

Collin Stark

7. Janu Sirsasana(Head-to-Knee Forward Bend)

Sit on the floor with both legs straight out in front of you. If you need extra support, place a blanket under your buttocks. Bend your right knee and bring the sole of your right foot to your inner left thigh. Inhale, sit up tall, and expand your chest as you reach the crown of your head toward the ceiling. Exhale, gently revolve your torso toward your left knee, and fold your torso over your left leg. Reach your arms forward to your foot and interlace your fingers around the sole of your foot if possible. Relax your neck and drop your gaze down.

OPTION

Rest your forehead on a bolster for additional support and comfort. Hold the pose for 5 cycles of breath, then repeat on the opposite side.

See also 4 Poses to Deepen Intimacy and Strengthen Relationships

Collin Stark

8. Cooling Breath

Close your practice with 5 rounds of cooling breath to balance and cool your body after a very heated practice. As you breathe, visualize any remaining anger, frustration, or agitation gently leaving your body. Finish by sitting quietly for a few moments and observe how you feel.

Excerpted with permission from The Courage to Rise by Liz Arch.

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