#if your understanding of mental health is just. happy vs sad. please take some time to learn more it'll help you too | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

diavolosthots · 3 years

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Hey dear! I hope that you have a good time! I want to make a request, but please delete it if you don't feel like doing it.

I saved that request in the notes and been waiting for you to open them 😊

For request

First fight with brother (any of your choice) and one of them (I mean MC or that brother) thinks that it's end of relationship (because never had anything serious), but they reconciled in the end. I want some heavy angst with happy ending. MC can be GN if that is OK.

If you don't mind you can do for Mammon, but feel free to choose another one if you don't feel like write for him. Or if that would be better to write as headcanons for all the brothers. That's up to you!

I haven't been doing requests for ages. Please don't hate me if there is something wrong! I've read the rules, and I hope I haven't missed anything.

Anyway, sorry for long ask. And thank you for your writings!

(I forgot to look if you did anything similar, and remembered it at the end of writing that ask. Sorry if you already did something like that!)

Hey babes ❤ I did end up doing HCs for all of them because I thought it would be cooler (or more like I know someone is gonna request separate fics for all of them if I dont and I'm saving myself that trouble lol) I still hope you like it ! ❤ also this got SUPER LONG so its under a cut

Warning: angst -> happy ending-ish

THE BROTHERS in a fight with MC and thinking that they’re over (yikes)

Lucifer:

Everyone always says Lucifer is quick to lose his cool but he’s honestly been nothing but patient with you. He may have hinted at several things he doesn’t condone and he definitely has that ‘look’, you know the disappointed dad look, but he has held back a lot so as to not ruin the beautiful relationship you have with him. Everyone snaps, though, and when he finally did, it was ugly. He did NOT call you names, but oh he didn’t. He went straight for your feelings and pointed out every mistake you ever made for as long as he’s known you. Ouch. In his defense, you weren’t nice either. The argument ended nasty and ‘I hate you’s!’ were definitely thrown around, but none of them were meant, right? Goodness, he doesn’t know. After you left, he threw himself on his bed, literally, and just stared at the ceiling. His anger slowly fled away and he began to feel… guilty. Not necessarily because of the argument itself, but because he delivered some low blows and he knows that. Are you over? Done with him? You haven’t texted or called or talked… you’ve been actively avoiding him and he doesn’t like that, but his pride is such an issue, goodness. He can’t straight up apologize, that dickhead, but he’s sending you flowers and standing in front of your door with a sad face that says it all.

“Forgive me? I made reservations at your favorite’s? We can talk over a nice dinner?”

Mammon:

Mammon is known to get mildly agitated over the silliest things, let’s be real. He’s also quick to revert to the “are you dumb?!” argument, which is never effective. But he loves you and he would do anything for you so even if you do do something that he deems ‘dumb’, he usually bites his tongue. Doesn’t mean that doesn’t get on his nerves, though, and he definitely has a short temper, although people tend to overlook that. You just managed to push his buttons today and he used the “are ya stupid?!” argument, to which you obviously defended yourself, and rightfully so. This ended in a massive screaming match and him saying “Then leave! Ain’t nobody keepin’ ya with me!” He regretted it the minute those words left his mouth and you could see his eyes grow wide in shock at his own words, but that didn’t mean you stayed. “MC!” he tried running after you immediately but you were faster and honestly, who can blame you? He fucked up, and he knows it, and he feels terrible about it. Honestly, he’s crying just at the mere thought of you taking his words seriously and he can’t… he can’t bear to lose you, you know? What’s he gonna do? You’re the light of his life, as pathetic as that may sound to some…. So he won’t let you run away. Homie will hunt you down and beg for forgiveness.

“Please, MC! Forgive me! I’m dumb, not you!!! Don’t leave me…” Don’t leave him. He will continue crying.

Leviathan:

His constant need to put himself down is frankly, quite annoying. To you anyway. But you put up with it and just reassure him that, at least to you, he’s the most amazing demon that ever existed. It’s just facts. But a person only has so much patience, right? You can’t always spend your days trying to lift him up when all he does is dig himself a bigger hole. Who has the emotional time for that? You sure don’t. “Oh my God, Levi! Shut up! I can’t take it anymore!” Followed by “See! You’re just like everyone else! Leaving me!” and then you slamming the door to his room shut. It’s frustrating and understandably so. It makes you feel awful that you can’t even make your own boyfriend feel good about himself and get at least a little bit of self confidence and it’s so, so, so very draining to have to constantly listen to that. At this point, it’s affecting your own mental health and you just… you just can’t…. But Levi can’t lose you because he knows you’re right. He has to work on himself if he wants to keep someone as amazing as you with him and that’s why he’s crawling back to you now.

“Look I… I know you’re right… I’m sorry. I promise I’ll … I’ll try. For you.”

Satan:

For being the Avatar of Wrath, you always admired Satan for his ability to keep cool. He prefers the relaxed and easy going life much more than the type of life people expect him to live, and you respect that. That doesn’t mean his constant need to one up Lucifer, through whatever means necessary, didn’t bother the hell out of you, though. You tried talking to him about it once or twice in a calm manner, but you always got the same answer “Pfft.. it’s Lucifer. Who cares?” And it never sat right with you. Just today he decided to pull a prank on the eldest and you had enough, standing in front of Lucifer and letting the bucket of cursed green slime land on you instead, to everyone’s shock. “What are you doing?!” Now that you’re thoroughly green from head to toe, you were also beyond pissed. “What am I doing?! What are YOU doing?!” But Satan matched your anger tenfold, accusing you of favoring Lucifer over him and oh! “You probably got an affair with him, too!” Which was a stupid thing on his part, but it looked like it the way you defended him. Anger doesn’t even begin to describe the emotion you felt running through you and had it not been for Lucifer, you probably would’ve physically fought Satan for such a dumb accusation. Lucifer took you to get cleaned up and lifted the course, giving you your natural skin and hair color back within a few days and plenty of scrubbing, and Satan felt like shit. You’ve always been there for him and, rationally speaking, he didn’t have a reason to doubt your loyalty to him, but he just can’t help but feel insecure beside Lucifer…. He decides to come apologize anyway, a deep blush on his face and guilt in his eyes

“I’m… sorry for accusing you. It wasn’t my right to speak out of anger and jealousy…”

Asmodeus:

How can anyone fight with the Avatar of Lust? Seriously, the guy is super easy going and he loves pretty much everyone. Not as much as himself, but almost. You on the other hand… you didn’t. Well you didn’t NOT love him or yourself, but you were just… you. You didn’t spend 4+ hours in the bathroom trying to get ready when you knew you were only going to the kitchen down the stairs. Like?? Although you never brought it up to Asmodeus, he constantly bothered you about skincare and what foods to eat and what not to eat, etc… It’s quite annoying, honestly, and at some point you just gave him a passive aggressive “Okay, whatever. Can we move on now?” To which he didn’t take lightly. He was still nice and sweet, trying to convince you that at least one of these things will make your skin glow brighter than a unicorn’s ass but you just had enough. “Can you stop?! You’re indirectly saying I’m ugly without that shit ton of product in my face and a diet that would make me starve before it helped me! If you want a skinny VS angel that barely holds onto their skeleton, get one!” It was more hurt and frustration speaking than anything, but your outburst still shocked him and he was taken aback for a moment. And then you ignored him for a week straight and as someone who thrives off of attention, especially the kind he gets from you, he can’t handle that! So he showed up in your room in sweats and a tshirt and messy hair and no product on his skin.

“You’re right… we’re all naturally beautiful…. Wow that… that really hurts to say MC but can you forgive me?”

Beelzebub:

Oh the sweet, sweet angel. He’s far from innocent and you know that. We all know that. But for this story, I will give him the benefit of the doubt. His reliance on Belphegor is just really… annoying. Belphegor this, Belphegor that. “Belphie used to…” or “Belphie said….” or “one day when Belphie and I….” Like why does everything have to include his twin? It’s so annoying and so rude when your significant other is right here !!! and planning their own future with you, Beel, thanks. It makes you feel less than and like Belphegor will always come before you. It makes you feel like shit, quite frankly, and who is to blame you? “Hey MC did I tell you what Belphie---!” “No! Shut up! I don’t care! It’s always about Belphie! The day you come to me and don’t let that name drip from your tongue is the day Jesus comes back to save me and we both know that will be never! I’m tired of always being stuck with Belphegor! We are not equals!” Granted, you shouldn’t have yelled and Beel was more than confused at your outburst, but you wouldn’t talk to him anymore after that so he left you alone. He thought you may need an hour or two, maybe a day tops, but that day turned into a full week and he even lost his appetite just because he knows you’re angry with him. It’s been a week, does that mean you’re over? His heart aches just at the thought…

“I’m sorry for bringing Belphie up… I don’t want you to feel less than, MC. You mean a lot to me and so does Belphie, but you’re not Belphie and I need to learn that…”

Belphegor:

Honestly it’s a miracle he hasn’t lost his temper at you yet. Well, he partially blames it on his own laziness because if being angry or getting upset didn’t take so much energy out of him, maybe he would’ve snapped by now lol, but he tries really hard not to because he thinks your relationship with him after everything is pretty good, considering yall kiss and snuggle and fuck on a regular basis. But anyway, that’s exactly the issue. Considering everything, you’re still holding *that* against him. It’s never direct either, which makes it worse. It’s always said in a joking manner and something like “haha look it’s just like that one time you killed me” or “Beel’s grabbing that ham like you grabbed my throat” or “I remember seeing jesus for a moment there” and it agitates him. It makes him so angry, and he finally snapped. “I know I fucked up MC! Stop holding it against me! What do you want? A medal of honor? A survivor's certificate? Maybe a pat on the back for developing some sort of Stockholm syndrome that made you come back to your abuser?!” And then he left. And you may have cried both from confusion and your own anger, he isn’t quite sure. It’s just so…. Aggravating. He can’t deal with it. He knows it was a mistake spurted by his own insecurities and survivor’s guilt which ultimately led to his hatred but please, stop holding it against him.. He can’t keep putting up with it from the person he’s grown to love. He’s the one ignoring you and he won’t budge either because he’s a stubborn ass, but maybe if you come up first…

“I’m sorry for yelling at you… I’m just so tired for it being held against me… I love you, and you should know that, and I do feel guilty about what happened.”

#obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me headcanons #obey me scenarios #cheys headcanons #asmodeus obey me #belphegor obey me #mammon obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me leviathan #obey me satan #obey me beelzebub #tw angst

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shelbywanders · 3 years

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“Dear pregnant, glowing, happy friend,

Let’s cut to the chase: Yes I did ignore the scan photo, the maternity pictures where I’m sure you’re gently holding your swelling bump & gazing wistfully into the distance (I haven’t looked to be honest) and your invitation to the baby shower. There are no hearts or comments from me on those. I’ve put you on mute.

You have plenty of friends, half of whom are pregnant like you so I hoped you wouldn’t notice, but you clearly have. I hear you’re a bit upset with me over this. I’m honestly not a horrible person, so here’s why you’re suddenly dead to me, and I hope that you can try to understand:

I can’t stand looking at pregnant women at the moment, and unfortunately I can’t make an exception for you. Yes, you’re more than a walking womb – you’re my friend & we’ve got history, so how dare I ignore you just because you got pregnant, right? What kind of evil witch does that?

This cuts both ways though – as my friend you know exactly what I’ve been through trying to get pregnant. You see, I’m currently an infertile woman and you’re a pregnant woman, and absolutely everyone is happy to throw my mental health under a bus to make a fuss of you. Including you. I’m expected to suck it up for you, but it’s the end of the world if I expect the same consideration. That’s just the way it is apparently – I don’t make the rules.

We have all said “Be kind!” but do we mean it?

It doesn’t matter how much we say “be kind!” and “mental health is important!” when you’re a woman that’s not able to make babies. My mental health matters less than a like on a picture of a scan to some people – and definitely less than a party. You can withdraw our friendship because you think that I owe you the appropriate amount of fawning over your baby shower, even though you know I’m in the middle of IVF. Yes, that sounds appalling, I’m not proud of saying that, but as I will continue to mention – this is a mental health issue – it’s not about manners.

It is not your fault that you don’t understand what’s going on with women like me, and I’m not actually mad with you for that. I’m mad with a society that treats infertile women like they’re selfishly making a fuss, if they dare to try and excuse themselves from the carnival of joy that follows a pregnant woman into the office and beyond. That seems to forget about us & then gets annoyed when it’s reminded that we do exist. That can laugh kindly and be understanding about the emotional behaviour of a pregnant woman, but is quick to label us selfish or drama queens or jealous, if we are sensitive about trauma triggers such as pregnancy. It feels like we’re pitted against each other somehow, and it’s so unfair. We have phrases like “hormones” and “baby brain” to ensure that we make space for a pregnant woman’s reactions and emotions, but we don’t have a way to tactfully say to pregnant women “Hey, maybe you should give your friend with fertility struggles some space and not shove that big old pretty bump in her face right now!”

Of course pregnant women are in a vulnerable and unique position, and pregnancy is hard and of course we should all look out for them. I’m just saying – anonymously, because I know how deep this goes in society, that maybe we don’t have to routinely disregard the mental health of infertility sufferers, for the sake of special parties and social niceties? Those things could take place without us. You could graciously excuse us from all of that, if you knew how deep our suffering runs.

Instead we’re expected to fawn over people who (innocently) trigger our deepest feelings of sadness and anger, with a fake smile on our face and a congratulations card – and I’m sick of it. We’re all sick of it, but I’m just especially sick of it at the moment. I don’t deserve it – and you don’t deserve this bitter version of me that exists at the moment. What if I could just say hey – congratulations but I’m just having a hard time with this because I can’t get pregnant myself. You could say “OK, good luck with that. Not going to be offended if you don’t get involved right now, but you’re always welcome in the future!”

What if we could handle infertility vs pregnancy better?

So we don’t currently handle it that well, and I’m going to miss your whole pregnancy, and that’s obviously a big deal, right? I don’t actually want to miss a huge chunk of your life, but here’s the kicker – I have to. For my mental health. Because it’s just as important as your mental health. You, as a woman who hasn’t had fertility issues, and apparently got pregnant just by glancing at your husband’s penis in the shower- have no idea what’s happening to me. You will think – as society tells you to, that I am being bitter and uncaring and mean because it’s just in my nature to be like that. That I’m making it “all about me”, when I actually just want to slink away unnoticed. But why would you know any better if no-one ever tells you this stuff or talks about it? Can we just bloody stop this merry-go-round and get real about it please? I’m not mean or uncaring – I’m just struggling with pregnancy. Including yours.

Give me a pass for heaven’s sake. I couldn’t even cope if my cat got pregnant right now, never mind someone I went shopping at Tammy Girl with. Pregnancy is deeply, horribly triggering when you desperately wanted a baby and tried your hardest, but instead you had a miscarriage, a chemical pregnancy, a failed embryo implant, an ectopic pregnancy, a termination for medical reasons or a stillbirth. Show me a woman with fertility struggles who hasn’t had at least one of those. A scan is the very last thing you want to look at. A baby shower is the last place in the universe you want to be. But I’m not allowed to simply say “Thanks so much for the invite, truly happy for you but can’t deal with pregnancy RN because I’m doing IVF again” in case it impinges for five seconds upon your fairy-tale. I wonder if I’ll be the same if I ever get pregnant. Probably not, knowing what I know now.

Fertility struggles have given me a new perspective

So what is it that I know now? That infertility is traumatic. That IVF is mentally and physically hard, and it doesn’t always work. That it can cause relationship strain and feelings of inadequacy and mental health challenges galore. Financial struggles. Hormonal drugs. Constant stupid comments from people who don’t understand. There’s something else too.

Women with fertility issues have to track everything – periods, ovulations and appointments. They are often acutely aware of how old their own lost and maybe-babies would have been at any given time, as well as the ongoing sense of loss they experience from not being able to have a baby. Nature has a really cruddy way of timing baby showers in the same month as our due-dates that never were. Your baby shower is two weeks after my due date 2 years ago. I should be bringing my nearly 2 year old with me. See, I told you we track everything.

Do you really want me to explain that I’d be bringing the baggage of my lost child with me to this party? Do I owe you that? Or could you, you know, just be understanding that baby showers might just be a little bit hard for someone that’s been trying to get pregnant for longer than you’ve known your husband?

So that’s my confession, and I’m going to passive-aggressively post it on my wall and hope that you read it. I can’t come to you with my truth, because I’d risk “stressing you out” and “making it all about me” if I did. I can’t just suck it up, because my mental health is too fragile for that right now. So here I am as a woman with fertility struggles, asking for a little understanding from my friends. Can we call a truce? Can we be more honest with each other? Can we accept that pregnancy is wonderful for you but hard for others? As a woman trying so hard for a baby, I live in hope.”

https://bestfertility-now.com/letter-to-my-pregnant-friend-your-happiness-and-my-mental-health-are-not-compatible/?fbclid=IwAR2YARsPG6r_GLntyasTkwhf_fVJ_XTfG6YbMX6BEdpa6BGOlh9jR1EaB5g

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j-reau · 4 years

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There’s something I want to talk about that’s been sitting in my head for a few days now. I kept telling myself not to talk about because tumblr struggles with the line between feelings and drama, between change or growth and confrontation and vauging.

That’s not what this post is for me. It’s not drama or a vague post. It’s trying to work through how I feel, trying to talk to the community at large about stuff I think we can do better, or at least stuff I want for me and for my friends and writing partners.

I think somewhere along the way, in its inability to wrestle with grey areas, tumblr as a whole lost the middle ground between self care and hurting others, and in doing so turned communication into confrontation. I’ll be clear about something to start this off; you don’t owe strangers on the internet anything. You don’t owe someone an explanation as to why you don’t follow them. You don’t owe a mutual an explanation as to why you write with someone else more or where your muse goes that day. You don’t owe anyone your time. You don’t owe anyone your mental health. Curating a safe space is important. Creating boundaries is healthy whether they’re for you or for someone else. I believe all of that to be true and I think that it’s important that on tumblr we absolve some people of the pressure put on them by themselves. I was once stalked by someone who I had never once talked to on this website who demanded to know why I wouldn’t write with them. I did not owe them explanation. Not for why I didn’t follow them and certainly not for why I eventually blocked them. And once they messaged me over and over from different accounts, my boundaries had been crossed and I felt very uncomfortable. So I understand the importance of making sure people know that that kind of pressure is fucked up. Because of my decision not to follow them, that person posted at length about how I was an elitist, unfriendly, etc. They even threatened self harm and guilt baited. And it is instances like that where I think it’s important that we make clear over and over and over that you don’t owe people an explanation.

With all of that said, I think somewhere along the way we started applying all of those posts about how to deal with toxic people and strangers and started applying them to our friends. And that’s where things get uncomfortable for me and worth talking about for me. So I guess that’s what I want to do. Because to me, you absolutely owe your friends some communication. You owe your friends a reason. Even if it’s as simple as “hey I think I need some space, please don’t contact me for a while.” Relationships come and go and on a website like tumblr we get very close to some people fast, or we talk a lot and share a lot, not everyone is going to click. Not everyone is going to jive and that’s okay. There’s nothing wrong with that. But in relationships, communication is a crucial and important part of adult hood. Ignoring problems isn’t adult. Failing to communicate isn’t mature or conflict free. My best and closest friends are the people with which I can communicate. And in some relationships you’ll learn that your communication styles don’t match. And that’s okay too. But communication is important to any friendship, partnership, etc. Something as simple as “hey can we not talk about that? It makes me uncomfortable.” Something as simple as “will you do me a favor and blacklist your posts about _____ because seeing them makes me anxious.” Or even communicating needs for validation like “I’m feeling really sad and anxious today. It’s nothing you’re doing but could you give me a little reassurance?” Or “hey I’ve been busy this week. It’s not you but I need some space away from discord.” Communications don’t have to be arguments. They don’t have to be confrontations. They’re just expressing a feeling and allowing someone else to then accept the boundary or need you express and meet it, ask questions if they need to or whatever it may be. Like for example, “sure I can give you space. Do you want to just hit me up when you feel better or should I reach out in a few days?”

I think maybe part of it is about how we place value on “friendships” and on partnerships writing on tumblr. And maybe that’s where some of us differ and I also think is an important thing that should be communicated. For me, I write with hundreds of people. I love writing with people. I love having tons of partners and writing with any of my mutuals who want to. When it comes to writing and people who I have writing partnerships with, my communication style is pretty straight forward. And it starts from jump, communicating if we want to ship or not, communicating what kinds of plots we like. And then later when someone has to say “hey can we drop this thread and start a new one?” Or “Sorry I vanished for a month do you still want to write this?” All of those things are communications and to me, come with trust that you will be honest and receive the other person in good faith. of course, in hundreds of people that doesn’t always happen. Sometimes it doesn’t go well, and that’s fine. These are writing partners and while my communication style will always be the same and be as honest and straightforward as I can give it, it may not mesh with someone else’s. But then there are friends -- good friends. And by good friends I mean the people you talk to frequently. The people you talk to about how you feel, about what’s going on in your life, about your insecurities or whatever it may be. The people you write with frequently or have built a relationship with, the people you tell with your words that you love or that mean a lot to you. Maybe some people on tumblr use words like that lightly. I don’t know. But for me those are meaningful things and the people I consider good friends are not the same as strangers and are not the same as casual writing partners.

Something is exchanged when we RP. I talked about this in my last post. I talked about how it’s not “just tumblr RP” how there are feelings and intimacy that is personal and terrifying in writing with people and sharing your creative work with them and opening yourself up to rejection and insecurity. When you RP, when you talk a lot, when you become friends with someone even if it’s on the internet, just as in real life, you’re exchanging trust. You are opening yourself up to vulnerability in expressing your feelings, in sharing your world with someone and they are doing the same by accepting that, caring for that, sharing their own, etc. To me, once you hit the point of having exchanged trust with someone, that’s when you owe communication of some kind. It can be as small as “hey I can’t talk today” and as big as “this thing you did yesterday hurt my feelings.” But it’s so important to do it. That’s important for a number of reasons. It’s important because maybe there is a misunderstanding that can be cleared up. It’s important because maybe that other person may not even know they hurt you and could apologize. It’s important because vocalizing your own feelings is an adult point of growth for you. And a number of other things.

And I GET IT. Trust me, I do. Communicating is uncomfortable. What about how anxious it makes you? What about how you feel panicked and sweaty and your heart races and you worry that it won’t be well received. Trust me, we all have been there. It happens to everyone and it fucking sucks. But the only way that gets better is with practice. I can already hear the tumblr mentality that says “you shouldn’t have to feel that way if you don’t want to,” and there’s some truth to that. But any therapist will tell you that communication is the key to coming to the other side of that and that the more you do it, the better it’ll be, the easier it’ll feel. Having been in several relationships with people that projected their feelings onto me or held me accountable for their happiness, learning to communicate boundaries, learning to communicate feelings versus intention and all of that were huge for me. This isn’t something I popped out of the womb understanding. It’s something I’ll surely fail at a thousand times. But it’s definitely something important to me to learn. And I think it’s something tumblr can benefit from. Because while “let people block you” is an important mentality for strangers, for abusers, for toxicity, etc it’s not a good mentality for friendships and relationships. Ghosting your friends is really hurtful. Cutting people who mean something to you out with no communication or explanation causes a snowball of bad feeling and anxiety in allowing you to have closure on your terms and the other party to have none. Expecting people to handle hurt and confusion and sadness in private without ever talking about it to anyone is really fucking isolating. Tumblr mentality likes to push that we should be able to axe people without consequence, that they should not ever wonder why, that they can not talk about it to anyone else, or express their sadness. But isolating people in their feelings isn’t healthy and it isn’t adult. There’s a lot of hurt that could be avoided on this website by people learning to communicate and by accepting that sometimes conversations have to be had, even if we don’t like it. Or at the very least, taking ownership for the fact that if we don’t want to have a conversation, that that is on us and not on the other person for feeling confused and not knowing what happened.

So I guess where I’m at here is that I just wanted to talk about that area, and open the floor a little to remind people about communicating. And what I mean when I say friends vs. strangers vs. partners is that I think we also need to be honest with each other and ourselves about who our friends are. Because once you open that trust with someone, there’s responsibility there with what you do with that trust. So be aware of where you open that trust. Be aware of what you say and how you treat people. You don’t have to be best friends with everyone you run across on the internet. I certainly am not. Even people I love writing with may not be my close friends, but I make sure that those are people that I’m not being vulnerable with and sharing feelings about things with and expressing how important they are to me. They are of course still important, but it’s different. Don’t fake friendship with people. Don’t love people into the safety and security of trust and communication that you’re not willing to have. It’s okay if communication isn’t your thing, but understanding that and understanding how you treat people because of it is important. Because communication is important. To friendship, to partnerships, hell even to relationships with coworkers and family members. As a community, I think it’s really important that we encourage being more communicative, and that communication isn’t conflict, and that sometimes having a quick conversation about something where both parties get closure or can say their piece or clear things up is the absolute best way to handle things.

#me still posting diary entiries on tumblr because idk what to do with my feelings #you betcha #but i really don't know what to do with my feelings lately and i keep getting off the dash but then i feel sad and i miss it #and idk i feel like there are so many more solutions here than we're willing to have #i'll come back eventually but when i do i think this kind of conversation is what i'm really going to implement on my blog #if that makes sense #idk i would love to talk to more people about this or just hear how you feel #even if it's the opposite

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pinkvhs · 5 years

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I’ve been debating doing this for some time now because for months I have been making posts out of tags because, like I said EVERYTIME, Sean doesn’t have to know everything we think. He doesn’t have to get wrapped up in everything. But since people to this day still take posts that I say (and others) and focus on things and completely miss the point and/or take it out of context to then post in the tags so spread false positivity and information, might as well do it then myself!

Truly, honestly, I am exhausted with this community. It’s been the most long dreadful thing year and as a result this year feels like 12 years.

People trying to constantly silence others who are going through actual hard times or voicing their opinions on things (ON THEIR OWN BLOG. MOSTLY OUT OF TAGS). Coming into inboxes to be like “that’s not PMA of you” , “ Seán would be dissapointed in you”, or telling people to “just leave” is disgusting.

How many times must we go through what PMA means? Sean has said over and over it’s not just a “always be happy” thing. That’s not realistic! People have used that (myself included) in the past to actually help themselves in ways as a small reminder. That just because today is bad, doesn’t mean tomorrow will be or that it will always be bad. To better yourself and take care of your mental health, even if you slip up at times. People have taken PMA and twisted it into forced fake positivity that “you must always be happy” and use it AGAINST people. How can people claim to be “‘more pma” and in the same breath say “Sean would be dissapointed in you”?!

Speaking of, don’t claim that Seán would be dissapointed in others just because they said something personal on their own blogs. People have the right to complain about things or have annoyances about things on their own blogs. Someone is annoyed with something irl ?- let them be annoyed. Someone is annoyed that their art doesn’t get reblogs but instead gets thousands of likes? - Let them be annoyed!!

Speaking of art with likes vs reblogs, people truly need to support creators that you like. People in this community who make edits/gifs & art constantly feel discouraged because their art doesn’t get nearly the amount of recognition as the jokes/memes that they make. People can spend hours, days, weeks, Hell even MONTHS on creative projects but when it’s done it gets like hundreds or thousands of likes but only like 38 reblogs (to name a number). But when those same people make a meme or joke post it can get hundreds of reblogs. It stings as an artists and creator. It has been making well known artists in this community lose motivation completely and not even want to creat anymore. But people see it as “shitting on people who make memes” it’s not. People can make memes, most of us don’t care about that, what we do care about is people only liking art (that they clearly enjoy since they liked it or even commented on) but refusing to reblog it. We aren’t saying to reblog or like things you DONT enjoy but if you clearly like it why not support a creator and reblog it? It’s not to boost ego like “oh I’m soooo great!!” its to help creators see that you do enjoy our hard work and that makes us want to push ourselves healthily more to create better things! Hell, there are so many young artists in this community that need support! Give them that! Spread work around, tags nice things, encourage them! Likes don’t encourage artists and if for sure doesn’t help if all you do is reply.

You can enjoy memes or whatever like I said, but when the tags are just constant jokes and hardly any art it’s no wonder why. Because being funny seems to get more attention then putting in hours up days of work. The same memes over and over, jokes going so long that they run dry by day 2, it’s evident where people’s support is. And that’s what’s making most artists leave, they feel discouraged.

But of course I don’t expect Seán do change everything! No one does! He is one person and a busy one at that! I don’t blame him for getting anxious whenever he comes online at all! I know he most likely wants us to be happy and content but sadly he can’t do that for every single one of us. I know he cares, I truly do. I’ve been watching him for years. But as of late it seems to be “joke funny first and only jokes”. It feels disconnecting and commercialized. But during the beginning of the year it didn’t nearly feel like that for me personally. It’s as if communication and connection are gone, which is sad because I don’t want it to seem that way. But it’s not Seán that seems that way too but also the community. It for sure isn’t me growing out of him or let’s plays either because I have 0 issue watching other lets players I enjoy and I also enjoyed him collabing with friends since there was so much genuine fun energy! It just seems like if Seán can’t be funny that he won’t be liked, which isn’t true. I hope he doesn’t feel that way but it sometimes reads as that. I want him to be happy but when he says things that contradict himself I get a bit worried.

People who complain, are upset, irritated, hell maybe even angry at things should be allowed to be. Let people be upset out of tags. Stop dragging everything everyone says into tags to make it “discourse” because it’s not. Most of us just want to scream into the void and pop off, but people dragging it on is what causes the exhaustion. The community desperately needs communication. Talking to each other. Not being “I’m right!!! You be happy and shut up!! Sean look at me!!” Or treat Seán like he is our dad an run to him each and every single time you have a problem. He isn’t some godly figure that can save you he isn’t your dad stop treating him like that to get your tiny bit of instant gratification.

Also, before anyone says, know I’m not attacking or wanting to purposely hurt anyone in perticular. Kids/teens who might see this know I’m not trying to go after you please don’t take this to heart if you disagree. Adults who are reading this I beg for you to please behave as such. Not to say “don’t have fun” because I’m 22 over here having a blast over dumb things unrelated to this post/situation, but to try to read and understand what is being said on why communication is needed.

Tags have been so dead and people are leaving for many reasons and it’s disheartening but I don’t blame them at all.

I was never going to make a tagged post but like I said in the beginning, fuck it at this point! Because I’m tired of people twisting words and taking things out of context to put it into tags. I’m tired of others trying to silence people who have justified complaints who never posted in tags to begin with. I’m tired of forced fake positivity. People using PMA against others.

I am tired

#.txt #jacksepticeye

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fairycosmos · 5 years

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I don't think I can go on living for much longer and I don't have anyone I can talk to. No one wants to help me. They all pretend they care, but I know they're lying. I just want to go home. I know I don't belong here.

hey love. i'm so fuckin sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time right now. idk the specifics of what is going on or what had lead you to this point - and i think to some extent, it's ok to process negative emotions. to cry, to breakdown sometimes, to not have it all figured out. but if you truly want the weight of it to be lifted you have to try to recognise the difference between having these urges and acting on them, between the lies that your mental illness is trying to convince you of, and the objective truth. it's normal to feel like you don't belong here because life is about continuously carving places for yourself out of the world. it's easy to believe in giving up, to not question anything your brain is telling you, but just taking 5 minutes a day to ground yourself in reality could make a huge difference. i absolutely promier that you do not have to end your life in order for things to change. it's inevitable if you stick around long enough. you want peace and harming yourself is not the way to find it, not when there are so many other ways that are a hundred times more substantial. i know you're tired. i know the thought of putting in effort is exhausting, and seems impossible when you don't give a shit about your own wellbeing. but for now i'm simply just asking you to consider other alternatives, to block out the voice that tells you it's pointless. why do you think the people around you are lying? do you have genuine proof of this, or do you think it could be a tactic your brain is using so you further isolate yourself, feeding into the self destructive cycle? mental illness often makes us think in absolutes, to believe things that fit our self hating narrative even if they're not true - but i know you're strong enough to counteract this. you are. think of one person you trust, or that you want to trust, and then consider what you can actually do about that fact. you sent this ask for a reason and i'm so glad you did, because it shows that you're able to reach out, that you're able to put your thoughts into words bc some part of you still knows theres a chance. use that feeling in your actual life. you don't have to go into great detail, you just have to admit to that you're not ok and that you think you need additional support. whether it be a family member, a friend, anyone..... it's alright for it to feel embarrassing, it's alright to not know exactly what to say. it's about communicating and letting yourself be vulnerable. please try to prioritize the importance of that over what your mind is telling you. and if that's not an option, there are numerous helplines and support groups available, or you could make an appointment with your doctor to see if he/she can refer you to someone. suicidal thoughts, while not normal, are somewhat common and there is A LOT that can be done to identify the root causes of them, to begin learning healthier coping mechanisms so they don't take over your life etc. i know this is all unexplainably difficult. i know that your brain is only allowing you to see sense in the things that harm you. but i'm telling you from an indisputable outsiders perspective - you have so much worth. you are supposed to be here. taking away your own future over thoughts and feelings that can be otherwise tackled is not going to solve anything. it's ok to be sad but it's not ok to let it dictate all aspects of you, which is easier said than done, but a professional can show you how to achieve that over time. you honestly have the rest of eternity to be dead and only this very short, infinitely rare moment to be alive. please don't take that away from yourself, please try to let the weight of your own significance sink in. even if you can't fully believe me, just recognise it as a possibility for now. all of this is so fuckin temporary, above all else, and that's the biggest trick of mental illness. because it totally convinces you that the pain will always be this intense, but it won't. please consider what you need to do for your own health, even if it goes against everything you're feeling. just finding one person, between hotlines and doctors and family and friends, is good enough. give them the chance to be there for you. they will appreciate the honesty. it's ok if you need time to work up to it. it's ok to be afraid, and there is no deadline of rush. all of this is a process and the urge to give up will always be a part of it, but you deserve so much better than that. and it's waiting for you, if you have a bit of faith in/empathy for your future self. okay? take this one day at a time and let that be enough, because the only factor you can control entirely, is the present moment. it's about looking at what you need VS what you want and knowing there's productivity and peace in choosing the former. you don't have to worry about anything else, it's all an abstract and ever changing concept. you can and will pull yourself back from the brink of this because you are the only person who can, and you have the tools to do so. i would hate hate hate for you to act impulsively and then regret the choice you made once it was completely irreversible. which would likely be the outcome. there are so many people, no matter how much you won't want to accept it, who will help you if you let them know there's a problem in the first place. taking that initial step is one of the hardest and most freeing parts, and you are fuckin capable. even if some days all you do is cry and hold you back, even if sometimes it all feels genuinely impossible, please take a breath and stick around. you are not an exception to the rule and happiness is not linear or constant - but it is out there waiting for you, in so many different forms. it's alright if you can't bring yourself to believe me right now. and it's ok to be sad, but it's not ok to let it control the fate of your entire human existence. which is a lot easier said than done, but a professional will literally show you how to achieve that. please, try to take a step back and acknowledge the falsity, the pointlessness, of the self destructive cycle. you have the power to break it, one small effort at a time. and it doesn't have to be an every day thing - even just making the conscious choice to practice a self compassionate or healthy coping mechanism a few times a week (even if u feel stupid), will make a difference. like i said before, there are so many avenues to peace that don't involve hurting yourself. okay? i believe in you with all my heart and i know you're doing better than you realize just by sending this. i'm sending you a lot of love and lending you strength whenever you need it. if you want to talk please message me anytime. you are not alone, and so many of us understand. take it one day at a time.

https://ibpf.org/resource/list-international-suicide-hotlines

#tw suicide #take it easy man you're goin to be ok #anon

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metalandmagi · 6 years

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December End of the Year Media Madness!

It’s a new month and a new year! And what a crazy month it was what with Tumblr imploding and all. But I’ll still throw this on here just because I’ll be on this site until it literally boots me out. But I do have a twitter now…@metalandmagi where I’m also barely active at all.

Anyway, why make top 10 lists for the entire year when I can just ramble about all the media I consumed this month? There’s only a marginal amount of holiday things on here by my standards!

November media

Movies!

Give me some credit there’s only four Christmas movies on here.

Won’t You Be My Neighbor?: A documentary about Mr. Rogers starting with the birth of the television show to his death. This is the fluffiest most heartwarming thing I could have possibly picked to watch on Christmas, and I encourage everyone, even people who hate documentaries and/or never grew up with Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, to watch it. There’s a lot of important messages about acceptance, dealing with tragedy, and mental health that people can learn from and feel good about. Not to mention how he completely revolutionized children’s television. So yeah, he was awesome.10/10

Spider-man Into the Spider-verse: When a rip between dimensions is opened, a bunch of different spider themed superheroes from every comic fan’s wet dreams all get together to close it. Guys I’m not that big of a Spider-man fan, but dang this movie was a ton of fun. I came for the amazing visual effects and stayed for the amazing...everything else. The music, the performances, and the story were all top notch. Also I now have a new favorite Nick Cage role. If you thought the trailer made the animation look interesting, it was just the tip of the iceberg because it is the most visually interesting movie I’ve seen in the last three years. I strongly suggest any fan of animation...or even any fan of great stories and movies in general go see it even if you’re not that big on Spider-Man. Now I’m demanding a Spider-verse Aunt May movie because I have so many questions! And the post credits scene was the best out of any Marvel movie. Period. 10,000/10

The Wiz (2015 musical): I should start making a section for musicals or plays instead of just lumping it in with the movies. It’s the Wizard of Oz...but cool. I’ve never seen any iteration of The Wiz and it seems like I’m constantly hearing about it. So I watched the 2015 version of the 1975 Broadway musical that NBC aired. And yeah it’s good. There were some great performances. But I wasn’t very impressed with the songs themselves, and it’s not really the same without a dog along for the ride, but whatever. 7.5/10

Jumanji Welcome to the Jungle: The surprisingly fun reboot/sequel thing of Jumanji where four teenagers get stuck in a video game that follows every “stuck in a video game” trope you can imagine but actually does it well. It’s a sweet, funny romp through the jungle with some great comedic performances. I really don’t have much to say about it except that this movie is better than it has any right to be. 8/10

The Christmas Chronicles: Two children stow away on Kurt Russell’s, I mean Santa’s sleigh and go on a dangerous, balls to the wall adventure throughout Chicago trying to save Christmas or something. After everyone started talking about how crazy this Netflix movie is I had to watch it to verify if it is indeed as wild as they said. And yes...yes it is. It is so laughably ridiculous and questionable that it’s impossible to actually hate. The elves are some unholy mixture of minions and gremlins, one of the children is a literal felon that no one is concerned about, and Kurt Russell is super into the role but has some sort of thing about fat-shaming Santa. I just...have so many questions! But it was certainly a trip, so I’d have to recommend it just so you too can witness the insanity. -10 “savvy, straight-talking St. Nicks”/10

Arthur Christmas: No, it’s not a Christmas special related to the aardvark cartoon! This is the 2011 animated movie that no one remembers exists. Santa’s clumsy but enthusiastic son Arthur must deliver a forgotten present in less than two hours while the rest of his family deals with some Arrested Development style family drama. This is by far the most underrated Christmas movie of all time; even I didn’t realize it was actually good until I watched it for the first time in 2016! The fun road-trip style plot and the entertaining characters were victims of bad marketing. Arthur is hilariously endearing, and there was so much heart and effort put into it that I can find new things to notice every time I watch it. Not to mention the amazingly animated opening spy sequence! And also Mrs. Claus is secretly a total badass and Bryony the elf is the coolest female character in a Christmas movie ever. The movie’s message of old vs new is nothing we haven’t seen before, but I really don’t care because at the heart of it all, it’s about making people happy on Christmas. If you’re like me and just assumed this movie would suck...or didn’t know it exists, please give it a chance. It’s not perfect, but it’s worth seeing. 9/10

Neo Yokio Pink Christmas: Yes, it’s the Christmas special for Neo Yokio. No I cannot accurately describe it with mere words. There’s a rich bachelor gift exchange, demon possession, and pompous French aunts slinging insults at each other. It is unironically my favorite holiday episode of a show ever, and to me it’s the best Christmas special ever made. I thought I was prepared for the absolute bat-shit ride I would go on, but no...I wasn’t even close. At this point I don’t know if it’s written like this on purpose or if some divine twist of fate made the executives believe this is truly brilliant television. Either way, it is a masterpiece in its own right. There’s even a somewhat intriguing plot and a message about gift giving and capitalism under all the crazy! If you haven’t jumped down the rabbit hole yet, I implore you to watch the insanity that is Neo Yokio and follow it up with Pink Christmas because it will truly make your holiday season. 100,000 demon DNA drugs out of 100,000!

Die Hard: Nothing says Christmas like terrorists taking over a skyscraper and Bruce Willis having to take them all down by himself. Yeah...so I’ve never seen Die Hard before, but this is one of those movies that is so famous that I felt like I’d already absorbed everything important through cultural osmosis. And even though it’s pretty good, I would have liked it better if I didn’t know what was going to happen. My only real complaint is that I think it goes on way too long. More than anything it just made me sad to remember that Alan Rickman is gone. And it bothers me so much that John McClane goes through this building that’s under construction WITHOUT SHOES! 8/10

Books!

The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis: The 4th/6th book in the Chronicles of Narnia, in which Eustace Scrubb and his classmate Jill Pole go to the underworld to find King Caspian’s long lost son. Even though my children- the Pevensies aren’t in it, I actually think this book is my favorite of the series so far. Jill and Eustace are both sassy enough to play off each other, Puddleglum absolutely hilarious, and the book actually has a clear cut plot! It reads much more like a Greek myth than a children’s fairy tale since there aren’t nearly as many of Lewis’s trademark author interjections, and you know...it’s a literal journey to the underworld. And can I just say that it’s super refreshing to have an author write two main characters WITH ZERO ROMANTIC INTENTIONS! Especially since they’re freaking children! Now I just wish Disney had continued the movies even more! 9/10

Queen of Air and Darkness by Cassandra Clare: I’m going to do this with only minor spoilers. It’s the final book in The Dark Artifices trilogy. Will Emma and Julian break the parabatai bond? Will the reflection of the modern day American government- I mean the Cohort/ the Clave fuck up the relationships between Shadowhunters and Downworlders forever? You’ll have to suffer like the rest of us to find out! In my opinion, 99% of this book is amazing, but in the last 50 pages there are some...bullshit ways of solving problems. Like everything that went down with the Cohort in Idris. Not to mention we’ve been so invested in the parabatai curse and how Julian and Emma’s bond would go down and...let’s just say the resolution was way too easy. And if you thought Clare’s other finales were jam packed, you ain't seen nothin’ yet. My copy is 880 pages and there was still more stuff that I wanted to happen...like any sort of scene between Dru and Ash...or an ending between Kit and Ty that doesn’t make me want to cry (the Wicked Powers is going to be brutal). But the rest of that 99% is mind-blowing! There’s so much good I can say that it mostly outranks anything I didn’t like...I mean we finally got a Malec wedding and a proper polyamorous relationship for the Angel’s sake! It may be my least favorite of her finales by default but it was still a fun ride! 9/10

TV shows!

She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018): An elite soldier finds a sword that can transform her into a super buff magical girl who helps princesses take down the forces of evil. It’s a reboot of the 1980s cartoon, and holy crap it’s AMAZING! I have a whole new group of children to adopt, each episode is entertaining in its own way, and there’s so...many...good...ships! And it gives Steven Universe a run for its money with the care that went into making every character a different kind of warrior, which I love because the cast is 99% female. My only real complaint is that I never warmed up to Catra because she wasn’t particularly sympathetic to me from the beginning. But I understand why some people love her. If you love well crafted adventurous character driven cartoons and haven’t watched it yet WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? 10/10

Nailed It Holiday: Yes, my favorite baking show (and by that I mean the only baking show I watch) has a holiday season out on Netflix, in which newbie bakers are tasked with making incredibly professional desserts with a very short time limit. And whoever makes the best treat gets 10,000 dollars. I’ve talked about this show before in my June media madness, and I don’t know what it is but I’m so addicted to it. 10/10

Brooklyn nine-nine (season 5): Come on we all know the cop sitcom. It’s the best sitcom. Just in general it’s the best. Great characters that subvert expectations, great humor, and a lot of heart. I’ve known that this show is supposed to be amazing for years, but I only started watching it a few months ago. And since I couldn’t find season 5 anywhere...I got a Hulu subscription just to watch it before season 6 comes out. That’s how good this show is. 10/10

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (season 2): Our favorite underdog comedian is back, and she’s slowly gaining popularity and doing...stuff. Like going on tour. And hanging out with Zachary Levi. Yes, this season is great, but my problem with this series is that every character aside from Midge and Susie are the fucking worst, especially the parents. Midge’s parents suck, Joel’s parents suck, Midge and Joel are appropriately neglectful parents for the time period...I could go on. And it’s not even in a funny way; like it’s just disgusting to watch these power dynamics. Not to mention how old the comedic bits for the parents get (how many times can we hear about Joel needing to date or Midge needing to get married?!) Yes, I realize that we’re supposed to be annoyed AND YES I realize that this is a product of culture and how society was, but none of the parents have any redeeming qualities. In episode one, we’re led to believe that Midge’s parents will grow and change through the season and they never do! At least there are moments where Joel can kind of be redeeming and expand on his actual character before he reverts back to being an asshole. Anyway, my thoughts are pretty much the same as the first season. It’s funny and interesting to watch, but it can be ridiculously frustrating when you hate almost all the characters! 8/10

Fuller House (season 4): Yes I do watch the ridiculous Netflix reboot of Full House. And yes, it is absolutely terrible! I really really hate it! But will I stop watching it? Let’s just say you can pry this pile of garbage from my cold dead hands. I don’t know if I’d call this a guilty pleasure or a hate watch type of show... it’s certainly not so bad it’s good territory like Neo Yokio...but Full House was pretty much my entire childhood. And yes, the original show is also not great. I loved it as a kid, and it was my first real exposure to a non-traditional family in live action, but yeah it doesn’t age well. What I’m trying to say is...I have no good reason for watching this.

I don’t mean to say that there’s nothing good about it, especially this season. They really back off on the more cringe-worthy catch phrases, Stephanie being aware of how stupid the writing is and constantly pointing it out is actually funny, their Christmas episode was surprisingly genuine, and they impressed me by actually make two female characters try and work through their difficulties instead of pitting them against each other for laughs. It has its moments, just like the original but definitely not enough to make up for the worst of it. Maybe this generation of children will like it the way lots of my generation used to like Full House...but yeah it’s awful, I hate it so much. -1 missing Tanner child out of 3

Voltron Legendary Defender (season 8) SPOILERS: It’s the final season of Netflix’s Voltron, and boy it was...something. I didn’t want to make this a big rant/defense of the show...but I feel like I have to highlight some things because this fandom is a shithole that refuses to see the good in anything.

There is so much good and so much...not good I can say about it, so here’s a couple things. I know this show didn’t go the direction anyone wanted, but that doesn’t make it bad. In addition to the stunning fight scenes and music, the performances this season were just amazing! I literally wanted to cry every other episode even though sometimes I didn’t know why the fuck something was happening. I don’t know how I feel about Honerva’s plan. I understand her motivation, but I was constantly questioning how we got from point A to point B... so yeah the plot and writing could be...weird at times. Also everyone seemed to have super pointy chins this season...

Spoiler alert: Not many of us wanted Lance and Allura to happen, but I truly believe it wasn’t done in a half assed way. At the very least, I appreciate that they had a genuine bond that developed over so many seasons. BECAUSE YES IT DID! Anyone who says they had no development or that it felt forced never paid attention. I wanted it to stay platonic; I wanted Klance to happen, but...I can’t be too mad at the writers because they at least tried. I still believe that Klance was endgame and the creators were forced to change the outcome of the show later on. AND YES LANCE DID GET A CHARACTER ARC! It may not have been the one we wanted to see, but I’m baffled that people think Lance living with his family, surrounded by people he loves-which is what he wanted all along- is not a happy ending. I just wish his relationship with Keith wasn’t pretty much ignored all season. But I believe Allura is his past that taught him to genuinely love and Keith is his future who will make Lance his “first choice”. And I’m not even gonna try to explain how I feel about Shiro and Allura’s endings because everything I feel is so complicated and layered. There is good and there is bad.

TLDR: This show teaches us that we’re stronger together, and I think the “fandom” completely missed the point because they do nothing but tear others down and refuse to look at things from other perspectives. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO NOT LIKE IT, BUT YOU DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY OTHER PEOPLE’S ENJOYMENT AND BE A DICK ABOUT IT. It may not have been everything I wanted, but I’m glad I went on this ride. Besides, there are canonically infinite realities so there’s got to be a reality where all your dreams for the show come true. As a season, I’d say it’s a 7.5/10.

Honorable Mentions

I watched Avengers: Infinity War again. And yes it’s still great.

I’m watching Superstore because when another sitcom comes on before The Good Place, why not? Also since I finished season 5 of Brooklyn 99 I had to use my Hulu subscription for something.

Camp Camp has a holiday episode...so naturally I watched it...several times. Please watch Camp Camp.

Hellsing Ultimate Abridged finally ended, and I feel obligated to shout this out because, hey when you put out one episode a year it’s a big accomplishment to finish it!

Super Smash Bros Ultimate is finally here!!!!!!!!!!!

ALL THE WINTER ANIME IS ENDING!!! They were all so amazing! So shout out to Iroduku-The world in colors, Bloom into You, Hinomaru Sumo, Dakaichi, Banana Fish, Jingai no Yomen, Golden Kamuy, Skull-faced Bookseller Honda-san, Tsurune, AND RUN WITH THE WIND even though they’re not finished yet.

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writeinspiration · 7 years

Text

If you need a sign to stay alive, here it is.

You are unique.

You are valid.

You are loved.

You are enough.

You have always been enough. You will always be enough--and more, more than you may ever realize.

YOU MATTER.

I don’t care if it feels like you don’t matter. You matter to somebody on this planet, even if you don’t think you do. Somebody out there needs you. Someone would be sad if you vanished.

Take a deep breath and kick depression (or whatever else is holding you back or frightening you) in its sorry butt. (Kick executive dysfunction in the butt while you’re at it.)

You matter. You have always mattered. You will always matter. Full stop. End of subject.

I have collected a great number of depression/anxiety/suicide resources over the years. I’m creating a more comprehensive way of containing them and making them more accessible to people who need them. See them below!

(I am well aware that some links are on there more than once. Please don’t message me regarding that.)

It gets better!

I love each and every one of you. <3 Please don’t be mad that I haven’t replied to you yet–I promise I’ll get to it when I’m healthier. I can do one or two every so often like I have been, but I’ve been pretty neglectful, and I’m truly, deeply sorry about that.

And remember: no matter how much things suck, it gets better.

Fight. Win.

Stand up every time you are knocked down.

It is okay to cry. And it is also okay to be afraid of getting back up.

But when it comes down to it, you need to do what is best for you, whether that’s ending a toxic friendship or learning how to manage your time better.

Everyone needs different things, and that doesn’t make you better or worse than anyone else.

You are loved. You are wanted. You are important.

Embody love to the best of your ability, and you will go far.

Take one step and then another step. Your journey will be long and hard. But you can do it.

You are loved.

Your life has value.

There are a million reasons to stay here with us.

It gets better.

Just hold on for 40 more seconds, and then 40 more seconds.

Count with me if you need to.

And one day, you’ll realize that it’s been a long time since you last found yourself whispering those comforting numbers under your breath.

Anyone can change their life.

Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to be hard.

Find an outlet if you need to.

Don’t take the plunge.

Please stay here with us.

Motivational wallpapers (made by me!)

Self-care help (my personal reserve)

Self-care masterpost

Reminder: You’re going to be okay. What you are going through will pass. Just remember to breathe.

————————————————————————————-

DISTRACTIONS

Here are some distractions to help keep your mind occupied so you aren’t too focused on your thoughts.

Draw something

This website translates the time into colours.

Create your own galaxy.

Play flowing.

Make a 3-D line travel where ever you like.

Listen to music.

Calm.

Ocean mood; do nothing for two minutes.

SLEEP ISSUES

8-hour sleep music.

Rainy mood.

Meditation.

Coping with nightmares.

How to cope with nightmares, 11 steps.

Calm

Foods that can affect your sleeping, both positively and negatively.

UNCOMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE

Rainy mood.

10 hours of rain and thunder.

3 hours of rain and thunder.

Human heartbeat.

Rainforest.

Sound of rain on a tin roof.

Autumn wind.

Rain on a tent.

Traffic in the rain.

Soft traffic.

Fan.

Train.

Simply noise.

MyNoise.

Rainy cafe.

ANXIETY

How to stop worrying.

Tips to manage anxiety and stress.

The 10 best-ever anxiety management techniques.

Self-help strategies for anxiety.

Helping a friend with anxiety.

All about worrying.

8 myths about anxiety.

SAD, ANGRY, AND DEPRESSED/DEPRESSION

“I’m always sad.”

Feeling sad.

Going through trauma.

“I’m always angry.”

Anger management.

All about anger.

National helplines and websites.

Self-help strategies for depression.

Dealing with depression at work.

Dealing with depression at school.

ISOLATION AND LONELINESS

Pets and mental health.

All about loneliness.

“I feel so alone.”

10 more ideas to help with loneliness.

How to deal with loneliness.

SELF-HARM

Alternatives to self-harm and distraction techniques.

146 things to do besides self-harm.

More alternatives to self-harm.

Self-harm alternatives.

How to take care of self-harm wounds/injuries.

Getting rid of scars.

ADDICTION

How to help a friend with a drug addiction.

What is addiction?

All about alcohol and addiction.

The facts about drug addiction.

EATING DISORDERS

Helping a friend with an eating disorder.

Eating disorder treatments.

Support services for eating disorders.

Self-help tips with eating disorders.

Eating disorder recovery.

Recovering from an eating disorder.

100+ reasons to recover.

Understanding and managing eating disorders.

DEALING WITH SELF-HATRED

3 ways to ease self-loathing.

How to turn self-hatred into self-compassion.

Self-hatred resources.

10-step plan to deal with self-hate.

SUICIDAL

International suicide hotlines (1) (2)

Preventing suicide.

Reasons to stay alive.

Dealing with suicidal thoughts and feelings.

Coping with suicidal ideation.

SCHIZOPHRENIA

All about schizophrenia.

Helping a person with schizophrenia.

Understanding and dealing with schizophrenia.

Delusions and hallucinations.

OCD

Managing your OCD at home.

Overcoming OCD.

How to cope with OCD.

Strategies for dealing with the anxious moments.

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

Helping someone with BPD.

All about personality disorders.

Treatment for BPD.

ABUSE

Healthy relationships vs. abusive relationships.

Emotional abuse.

Overcoming sexual abuse.

Hotlines services.

5 ways to escape an abusive relationship.

Domestic violence support.

Signs of an abusive relationship.

What do to if you’re in an abusive relationship.

Surviving abuse.

What you can do if you’re sexually harassed.

Sexual assault support.

What to do if you’ve been sexually assaulted or abused.

BULLYING

How to stand up against bullying.

How to protect yourself when it comes to cyber-bullying.

How to help stop people from bullying you.

LOSS AND GRIEF

How to cope with a suicide of a loved one.

Grieving for a stranger.

Common reactions to death.

Working through grief.

(Other loss and grief)

Moving away from friends and family.

Coping with a breakup.

GETTING HELP

Seeking help early.

All about psychological treatments.

Types of help.

All about age and confidentiality.

THINGS YOU NEED TO REMEMBER

Don’t stress about being fixed because you’re not broken.

Remember to remind yourself of your accomplishments. Tell yourself that you’re proud of yourself, even if you’re not.

This is temporary. You won’t always feel like this.

You are not alone.

You are enough.

You are important.

You are worth it.

You are strong.

You are not a failure,

Good people exist.

Reaching out shows strength.

Breathe.

Don’t listen to the thoughts that are not helping you.

Give yourself credit.

Don’t be ashamed of your emotions, for the good ones or the bad ones.

Treat yourself the same way as you would treat a good friend.

Focus on the things you can change.

Let go of toxic people.

You don’t need to hide; you’re allowed to feel the way you do.

Try not to beat yourself up.

Something is always happening; you don’t want to miss out on what’s going to happen next.

You are not a bother.

Your existence is more than your appearance.

You are smart.

You are loved.

You are wanted.

You are needed.

Better days are coming.

Your past being dark doesn’t mean your future isn’t bright.

You have more potential than you think.

Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.

Please remember to look after yourself and know that you are more than worth it and you deserve to be happy. Keep smiling, butterflies x

Depression tag

Writer’s block and depression (1), and again (2), and some pick-me-ups (3)

First drafts don’t have to be good.

Write a whole bunch of crappy sentences if that’s what it takes to get a good one.

Don’t let it get you down. Just get it done.

Your big ideas are worth pursuing.

It’s okay that you’re not who you thought you would be.

Anxiety GIF masterpost.

You are allowed to be whatever gender or religion you most identify with. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are a darling, lovely individual who deserves love and happiness. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

You are worthy of being wherever you are in life. You can do anything if you put your mind to it. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

National Alliance on Mental Illness

Mental health screening tools (1) (also available in Spanish (2))

Eating disorder recovery tools (1) and resources (2)

Suicide Prevention Lifeline

National Institute of Mental Health

Suicide prevention Twitter

Comprehensive approach to suicide prevention

Resources for schools and communities

To Write Love On Her Arms:

You were created to love and be loved.

People need other people.

Your story is important.

Better days are ahead.

Hope and help are real.

If you are in crisis, please call the toll-free National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741-741.

The deaf and hard of hearing can contact the Lifeline via TTY at 1-800-799-4889. All calls are confidential. Contact social media outlets directly if you are concerned about a friend’s social media updates or dial 911 in an emergency. Learn more on the NSPL’s website .

International Suicide Hotlines Listed Below

(Outside of the United States)

Please click on your country below:

Argentina Suicide Hotlines

Armenia Suicide Hotlines

Australia Suicide Hotlines

Austria Suicide Hotlines

Barbados Suicide Hotlines

Belgium Suicide Hotlines

Botswana Suicide Hotlines

Brazil Suicide Hotlines

Canada Suicide Hotlines

China Suicide Hotlines

Croatia Suicide Hotlines

Cyprus Suicide Hotlines

Denmark Suicide Hotlines

Egypt Suicide Hotlines

Estonia Suicide Hotlines

Fiji Suicide Hotlines

Finland Suicide Hotlines

France Suicide Hotlines

Germany Suicide Hotlines

Ghana Suicide Hotlines

Gibraltar Suicide Hotlines

Hong Kong Suicide Hotlines

Hungary Suicide Hotlines

India Suicide Hotlines

Ireland Suicide Hotlines

Israel Suicide Hotlines

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Japan Suicide Hotlines

Liberia Suicide Hotlines

Lithuania Suicide Hotlines

Malaysia Suicide Hotlines

Malta Suicide Hotlines

Mauritius Suicide Hotlines

Namibia Suicide Hotlines

Netherlands Suicide Hotlines

New Zealand Suicide Hotlines

Norway Suicide Hotlines

Paupua New Guinea Suicide Hotlines

Philippines Suicide Hotlines

Poland Suicide Hotlines

Portugal Suicide Hotlines

Russian Federation Suicide Hotlines

Somoa Suicide Hotlines

Serbia Suicide Hotlines

Singapore Suicide Hotlines

South Africa Suicide Hotlines

South Korea Suicide Hotlines

Spain Suicide Hotlines

Sri Lanka Suicide Hotlines

St. Vincent Suicide Hotlines

Sudan Suicide Hotlines

Sweden Suicide Hotlines

Switzerland Suicide Hotlines

Taiwan Suicide Hotlines

Thailand Suicide Hotlines

Tobago Suicide Hotlines

Tonga Suicide Hotlines

Trinidad and Tobago Suicide Hotlines

Turkey Suicide Hotlines

Ukraine Suicide Hotlines

United Kingdom Suicide Hotlines

Zimbabwe Suicide Hotlines

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roane72 · 7 years

Text

On Recovery vs. “imagine being neurotypical”

This post really struck a chord in me, and I started to reblog it, but my reply got so lengthy I decided to make my own post.

Because these things seem to require some sort of bonafides, me: 45, fat, white, cis, queer, raised working class and usually struggling to get by financially. I have major depressive order, generalized anxiety, C-PTSD, and ADHD, so obviously I’ll be talking from that perspective.

First off, "recovery” is not like, I dunno, the Emerald City, where you follow the yellow-brick road and you get there and all the answers to your problems are there. (Of course, that wasn’t the case for Dorothy and her friends, either.) You don’t get there and the game ends. For that matter, it’s not even a one-way street. You go backwards, you take detours, you get lost.

There is no binary state of “recovered/not-recovered”. It’s a spectrum, and not only does it look different on everyone, but the ways to get there are also different. You are the only one who gets to, who can, define what recovery is for you. My recovery may be someone else’s “oh shit, that girl is fucked up.” (Heh. It probably is, in fact.) Part of recovery can often mean redefining your own notion of recovery.

It’s a vast, undiscovered country with no real roads but a thousand little narrow paths. When we share posts (heh, like this one) talking about our recovery, we’re offering our own personal road maps. “This is how I’m traveling, and it’s working for me. Maybe this path will help you move forward too.”

If I had to boil it all down to one statement, it’s this: Recovery is hard and it means facing and doing incredibly emotionally uncomfortable things, but it is worth every single second.

Phew, that said, here goes.

On top of mocking notions of recovery as “neurotypical”, I see a lot of “well I just can’t do X because I am/have [whatever]”. And yes, there are absolutely some things that our various neurodiverse conditions can prevent us from doing. But “working on recovery” is not usually one of them.

And I’ll preface all of this by saying that YES, being able to access decent mental health care is a HUGE privilege (although jesus, it shouldn’t be), and I’ve been really fortunate in that regard. And yes, I know there are people trapped in truly untenable situations where any sort of progress seems impossible. There are exceptions to everything. But a lot of the time, what we see here on Tumblr isn’t that. It’s someone who is letting their particular condition limit them more than it has to in the name of “being neurodiverse”.

Sometimes it means managing your own expectations, learning to accept that maybe you can’t be/do something you always wanted to be/do. But that doesn’t mean “well then I can’t do anything”--it means you can try to find another path. Or at least accepting that it will take you longer than you’d hoped. (For example, I graduated high school in the top 5% of my class, convinced I would set the world on fire. I am 45, and I am probably never going to get a college degree at this rate, between tuition costs and trying to manage my brain. That was hard to come to terms with for a long time.)

More often though, it means understanding your strengths and weaknesses and learning how to work with/around them. Like making lists and setting alarms, as someone mentioned. Like keeping on top of your own treatment plans and making sure they’re working for you--and if they’re not, insisting on better/different treatment. And that shit is hard work. It’s hard work that’s made a thousand times harder when you have a brain that is actively trying to sabotage you. It takes a long time. It takes a lot of strength and the willingness to face discomfort. To let yourself do things and fail, and then try something else. It’s hard, and it sucks--but it’s WORTH IT to reclaim your life.

I have been in varying stages of treatment for depression since 1995. In-patient hospitalizations. Partial hospitalizations. Group therapy. Literally years of individual therapy with four different long-term therapists, all of whom taught me a lot and helped nudge me further down the path of recovery.

Since my initial diagnosis of depression, the alphabet soup of diagnoses has come rolling in on a big greasy “ugh who cooked this mess” trolley. Anxiety in 1999. C-PTSD in 2009. ADHD in 2017. It’s all been a part of figuring out how my brain works and how my life experiences have shaped and been shaped by it all.

I cannot stress enough how developing a tolerance for your own emotional discomfort is a game changer. My biggest breakthrough came in 2010 when my then-therapist finally got me to sit down and really feel all the emotions I was struggling with. Nothing has ever sucked more in my life. For months, literally months, I would have periods where I was so angry I would sit on my couch and angry-sob and shake and throw pillows and yell at my dead mom. I would get so sad that I was convinced I would never ever be happy again. My therapist was right there reassuring me that all of this would pass, and the emotions were only temporary, and all I had to do was let them exist, and feel them.

I’ve said since that during those months, if I’d been living with anyone, I would’ve looked absolutely out of control and unhealthy. I would’ve looked like I was getting worse, not better. But it was one of the healthiest things I’ve ever done. And it’s not an accident that since then, I have not had a single depressive episode bad enough to land me in the hospital, or even disrupt my life to a huge extent. Before then, through my 30s, I could count on an episode like that at least every year or two. In my 20s? Twice a year. Like clockwork. So even while I was still struggling, I was getting better.

It is almost always possible to get some better. Maybe not “well” (whatever that means). Almost definitely not “completely normal”. With so many mental illnesses in particular, it’s incredibly easy to fall into the all or nothing mindset, to get overwhelmed and think “why should I take a shower or go for a walk today, it’s not going to fix everything/anything.” It’s true. It’s not. Recovery is not ever made up of one magical thing that takes all the difficulty away. It’s all those little tiny steps. One after another, even when it seems like they’re not helping. No matter how awful you feel, there is almost always something you can do to make things even a tiny bit better, and all of those “tiny bit betters” accumulate and make a difference.

There are bad days. There are days when the shit’s gonna win. Even now, I have “bad brain” days where I’m sad and anxious and unfocused and nothing helps. Those are the days when the only “tiny bit better” you have is to keep telling yourself that how you feel in this moment is not how you’re going to feel forever, no matter what your brain is telling you. Your sadness and anger and fear are not bottomless; they only feel like they are. Knowing that, believing it, is what lets you sit with the crappy emotions and feel them, and then let them go. Even that is enough. Because honestly? Along with coping with emotional discomfort, developing the “emotions are temporary” awareness is the other really really huge step. At least, it was for me.

In summary, I really can only repeat what @docholligay said in the post that sparked all this:

And honestly—figuring your shit out feels great. I am million times happier when I have clean clothes and I am well fed and I have accomplished things in my writing life and I am calmer. I HAD TO WORK TO GET THERE. But let me tell you, it is fucking awesome to feel better. Please, please, please do not get trapped in this idea that because your brain works a certain way you are trapped in these behaviors forever. Improvement and recovery are options open to you. Success is open to you. I believe in you, and sometimes, yes, it’s going to be hard, and it’s going to suck. But man, does it feel good when you can look at your accomplishments. Fuck, I get excited when I clean out the fridge.

A-FUCKING-MEN. I could’ve written every word of that.

#mental illness #neurodiversity #recovery #depression #anxiety #adhd #recovery is not a bad word #and recovery does not make you neurotypical #recovery is you taking care of you

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deadmantalking117 · 7 years

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DR. FEELGOOD

There's an opiod crisis in America. I read about it everyday. Thousands of people who take narcotics to get high. To blunt the pain of whatever is hurting them. Physically, emotionally, whatever. I don't even pretend to have any kind of solution.. I can only offer you an insiders perspective. My very first experience with the good stuff was right after I got married. I'd had a migraine for the third straight day.. I'd get them several times a year.. but this one wouldn't stop. My mom says enough is enough.. I'm taking you to urgent care. Kat had the kids.. otherwise she'd have driven.. she was concerned by now as well. Never had one last this long. At the urgent care.. the guy checks me out.. "are you allergic to anything?" "Are you ok with a couple of shots.. we'll get you feeling better" Not allergic.. hate shots.. but ok fine Demerol and Thorozine Nectar of the Gods I remember it to this day. Full disclosure time. I'm 24 now.. haven't yet run into the issues that are about to start soon. I dont really drink.. been drunk a handful of times. But I dont drink.. just never cared for it.. don't like the taste, don't like the feeling. I smoked some pot when I was 20-21 but I was always paranoid about getting busted.. plus now I have kids.. and you know what that means.. no money for pot. Tried cocaine a couple times. Kat and I would get a little for "date night". But we're talking birthday or anniversary stuff. So, pretty vanilla for a party guy. Just wasn't much of a chemical romance for me. My how things do change. Demerol and Thorozine No ecstasy so wonderful.. no bliss so complete. I went from being almost blind with pain.. to walking on a cloud.. I floated out the door to mom's station wagon. Such a pretty station wagon! My God.. look at that wood paneling! It sooo beautiful! I opened the door and folded myself in half to get in. Mom says "whatcha doing?" I don't wanna hurt the car by banging into it.. It's so tiny and beautiful... "I think you're covered.. put your feet on the floor.. put on your seatbelt please" Home again after the beautiful magic carpet ride full of neon and colors. In mom's beautiful woody station wagon. I floated thru door.. "Oh my, you look better" Kat laughs You are sooo. Pretty ! You know what would great ? Brownies! And sex!.. and sex brownies! And pizza.. we should have everybody over and BBQ. I'm going to lay down for few minutes, watch a movie.. but then sex brownies! Zzzzzzzz. 2 days later when I started coming around. I honestly have never felt that good in my life. 2 days of being completely pain free.. and floating on clouds. Never before.. certainly not since. The problem with being in chronic pain is this. It's chronic.. that means it NEVER stops. Some days arent too bad. You feel crappy... but honestly.. any person over 40 is familiar with feeling pain every single day. I just got a big headstart from everyone else. A lot of days.. far too many days. The pain is crippling. But most people like me have to figure out how to have a life despite that. So, on we soldier. I'm mid 30's... just really getting bad sick. My doctor is an Internist. The kind of general doctor that does innards. Dr. Feelgood was an amazingly good doctor. Everyone in town knew and loved him. Everything's going wrong all the time.. But Dr Feelgood is working overtime to fix it. I'm in serious pain.. everyday.. all day. But he gives me pain meds. Vicodin, Percocet, fiorinol, demerol, pills, patches, shots. We tried everything. I had access to sleeping pills, xanax, valium. Not all at once of course. But in hefty doses. I was dying.. and I just wanted it to be as pain free as possible. Dr. Feelgood was trying his best. There was a point in my life.. because of the years of taking so many narcotics.. I could take absolutely lethal doses without getting even a little buzz. I could get a migraine.. which at the time was common. Go into the office and get a shot of demerol.. and off to work I'd go. It got rid of the pain ok. But no more highs for poor Steve. The party is long over.. and I'm still always in agony. This was a big reason why I quit everything all at once. For the past 5 years Dr Feelgood has been banging his head against my wall. But we had the opportunity to move to another state.. I'd had my 2nd resection.. so this was as good as it was going to get. Off we go. For the next 3 years.. nothing. Some good days.. some bad.. but no drugs at all. But reality does tend to insert itself. The fact of my life is.. I Have to use narcotics most days..and there are millions of people like me. Used properly they are a miracle for us. Buy there are too many people who see how glamorous its is.. being a drug addict looks like one long party for Steve... lets try it! I do make it look glamorous. The problem today in 2017 is the government is seriously clamping down on legitimate prescriptions for legitimate patients. Every time my doctor prescribes narcotics. She gets a letter from uncle Sam. It tells her all the good drugs she's given out vs. How much other doctors have written. You never want to be on the naughty list. Dont stand out! That means they now have to ration out the good stuff. They can't have several patients getting narcotics. So those of us who have a legitimate reason to take them. Can't always get them. Most doctors practices will not even take you as a patient if you are on narcotics! Wont even talk to you about it. So here's my current nightmare. If I lose my current doctor.. I may not be able to get another.. ever. All because of the opioid epidemic It's happened already.. About 12 years ago.. after my 3rd bowel resection.. my GI. said we could try... Morphine. It's good for guts like yours. It helps with pain.. it causes constipation.. which can balance the scales with the diarrhea you always now have. Cuz of the fact that you have almost no intestines left. But there's rules.. you can only get so many per month. There will never be more. Don't ask. No other drugs from any other doctors. Ever. No drug seeking behavior. Ever. Dont feed it after midnight or get it wet. In 12 years I've never broken the rules. Not once. But I had started going to a pain management Doctor. She took over all prescriptions.. but same rules. Thats what they do. And again.. I followed the rules. But she was willing to up the doses over the years. And eventually I was getting some pretty good amounts. Now to be clear. I haven't gotten high from morphine since almost ever. It just helps the pain some.. keeps my guts pretty calm. But one day I get a form letter.. they're closing down the pain management aspect of their practice because of government pressures. Too much hassle. So I go back to my original GI who started me on it, to take it back over. But he just had to retire after serious back surgery. And his partner wont talk to me. RuhRow! What do I do Scooby doo? I was lucky enough to find someone for about a year.. she cut me way down.. but at least there was something. But this isn't really her specialty.. and she's getting the letters from uncle Sam. So.. fuck it.. I quit ! Cold turkey.. I planned it out so I could take off a month from work. Stocked up on ensure.. and T.P. Got ready for withdrawls. They were as horrible as you see on t.v. or movies. Basically it's like having the flu really bad for a couple weeks. After a month I was clean.. but my new nightmare was in full view. I am missing a large portion of my intestines after 3 bowel resections. It's called Short Bowel Syndrome. Everything that goes in.. goes right back out.. fast. No sight seeing along the way. If course the rapid pass through causes severe spasms and pain. I could no longer leave my bedroom. Not ever. I was on the toilet 10 times a day or more. And I barely ate at all. My new GI wasn't to happy about going the morphine route. I remember our appointment a couple months after I'd quit cold turkey. I wrote down my reasons why I wanted her to put me back on. I was bawling as I tried to convey how miserable I was.. I wanted my sad pathetic life back! I don't want to only be able to get out of bed so I could shit myself to death. I begged like dog. She agreed at a much lower dosage.. and of course.. all the same rules apply. Most days.. it's not even close to enough. But at least I can get out occasionally. Work a few hours a week. Play Pokemon Go with the grandkids and my beautiful wife. I get to have some little bit of a life. If anything happens to her.. or she just decides otherwise. My life will literally be over. My entire life is on the line. Every month. I go to pick up my refill prescription from her.. I think.. is this the month she cuts me off? I don't wanna die. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't have the answer to any of this. All I know is that there are thousands, maybe millions of people in this exact same boat. Narcotics are the only thing keeping them alive or letting them have some measure of relief from pain that you couldn't imagine in your worst dreams. Our governments solution right now is to take away all narcotics from everyone.. let God sort 'em out. Crack down on doctors who are trying to keep them alive. Cut funding for rehabilitation services and mental health. The 2 best tools to curb the opiod epidemic. These are just facts I'm sorry to say. I just don't understand how they can be so callous and cruel. I didn't do anything wrong. I don't deserve this.

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ladykristianna · 8 years

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A Mental Health Story

It's time to get up close and personal here guys. If talk about mental illness is triggering for you, please stop reading now. Writing this is more of a cathartic self introspection that I wrote for myself that, after some serious thought, I have decided to share. So here we go. Get ready for over 2400 words of Story Time with Kristin...

I have never been officially diagnosed as bipolar/manic depressive, but depression, etc. does run in my family. Combine that with my chronic anxiety, and it freaking SUCKS. I promise I am not being a hypochondriac. I may not be a doctor, but I like to consider myself a somewhat intelligent person (hopefully not in an egotistical way). I have done a lot of research in the subject of mental illness, most particularly anxiety, depression, and bipolar disorder. Psychology is an interesting subject whether you’ve got issues or not. (And trust me when I say that I’ve got more issues than Cosmo.)

The way these problems affect people are as different as they are. What I am sharing are my own personal experiences which may be different from others suffering from the same problems. Dealing with these mental issues can be incredibly debilitating, especially when I go "dark." I don't really have perfect explanation for this, but work with me here.

The best way to describe "going dark," as I like to call it, is almost like a creeping sensation in the back of your mind of anger, sadness, and/or just a general “wrongness.” Sometimes it comes on suddenly, where I will be content/happy/generally okay with the world and then BAM! I don't want to talk to anyone or do anything, and the way I feel is more than just "a little sad." (NEVER tell a depressed person this because it is more that just being "a little sad." If you haven't been there, it is hard to explain.) Other times, I can feel the darkness coming on gradually over the course of a few days or even a couple weeks, in which my mental state just gets lower and lower, and the world just gets grayer like the color has leeched out of everything. (Not literally. I'm speaking in metaphor here.)

But sometimes, it is more than just “going dark,” which for the most part is manageable; I can go about my life, but it takes an almost Herculean effort. There is another layer of this depression that I call the “Deep Dark.” (It may sound like a stupid name, but when you are trying to explain these things to people who have no frame of reference, you have to work with what you’ve got.)

The Deep Dark is a bad, bad place to be. I can count on one hand the number of times I have gotten that bad. In February 2016 I was there. I got into bed and didn’t get out for over a week. I ate nothing for six days and lost about ten pounds. I hardly drank any water, so I didn’t need to get up to go to the bathroom. I did not shower. There was one specific point of time that I remember vividly. It was a strange existential moment where I was listening to the sound and feel of my heartbeat in my chest. I was actively willing it to stop, and I don’t know whether it was my not quite sane state of my mind at that time or if it actually happened, but for a moment it did stop before slowly starting back up again. There was no panic or terror, but a strange almost meditative feeling of acceptance.

During that week I thought a lot about suicide. I had even planned out exactly how I was going to do it and when and where. I researched the medical side of it. I looked up the definition of exsanguination (noun. to drain of blood; make bloodless or to bleed to death). I held a scalpel in my hand and stared at it for hours, days possibly. Time is fluid and strange when you are in a mental state like this. I won’t go into the details, but there was a well thought out plan in place of when, where, and how. I know there are suicide hotlines and support systems in place online and elsewhere, but you have to realize that when someone is in that place mentally, they are drowning in negativity. Every bad thing you’ve ever heard or thought or experienced is on repeat in your head: I will never be good enough… No one cares about me… I am a burden… Life is meaningless… There is no point to anything… No one loves me… No one understands my pain. Even if they are lies, your mind just sees it all as truth. I didn’t think about talking to people, let alone “getting help.”

Another metaphor I have used in the past (instead of the “going dark” and “Deep Dark” analogy) is to imagine a cliffside where you are getting closer and closer to the edge when you suddenly fall into water where everything is dark, cold, and muted all around you. Sometimes you just hang on the edge of that cliff for days just trying to keep from falling, but sometimes you fall in and you're doing everything you can to keep your head above water. Once you fall in, it is really hard to get out.

This is where the importance of having a support system comes in. Having someone (a special person like a spouse, friend, mom, etc.) physically there to talk to you, hold you, or just sit there with you can be incredibly important, and in my case, possibly life saving. It can be confusing for your person to know the difference between when you just need some space or when you really, really need them there though. It is so very complicated to explain and sometimes hard for them to understand. Sometimes your friends or family won’t even realize how bad things are until they’ve gotten really, really bad. A person and a change of scenery go a long way to getting out of the funk. It takes a lot of time and patience, but it it possible.

And this is just the depression side of things. I haven't even touched on the anxiety yet. Sometimes all it takes to "go dark" is some small (or big) triggering event such as an argument with the spouse, seeing an animal get hit by a car, remembering traumatic childhood memories, seeing a news article about a shooting somewhere, or going into a "what if" anxiety spiral. And that my friends, is where the anxiety comes in.

Depression on its own is bad enough, but add anxiety into the mix and you've got a match made in hell. If you have never had a panic attack count yourself lucky. It's more than just a jangling of the nerves, and some attacks can be worse than others. I mentioned the "what if" anxiety spiral earlier. Imagine laying in bed trying to sleep thinking about all the things you didn't get completed that day, then you're thinking about all the things you have to do tomorrow, what if this something doesn't happen, what if I don't have the money to pay that bill, what if because I didn't pay that bill so and so happens... It can be stupid minor things or huge things in your life. It doesn't matter. What matters is that your mind goes into overdrive thinking about all of the possible worst case scenarios of everything, and this will often lead into a panic attack. (This is how my panic attacks go. Your mileage may vary.) A racing heart sometimes to the point of pain, shaking, ragged breathing/hyperventilating, sweating, etc. It's a bundle of fun.

My panic attacks can be triggered by any number of things, in addition to the "what if" anxiety spirals. A trip to War-Mart (no joke, I hate the place), being in a large crowd, loud noises such as my kids screaming up and down the hallways or someone blasting the base while driving down the street, thinking about my upcoming schedule, etc. so on and so forth. I have mostly gotten over my social anxiety and public speaking issues, which took YEARS, but I will still occasionally have panic attacks leading up to a play performance or public speaking event/speech even now.

So between my bipolar depression, anxiety, and 180º violent mood swings (yay!) how the heck do I even manage? It’s a lot of work, I tell ya.

Humor. “But, Kristin! If you are so depressed, how can you even think about funny things?!” Well. That’s not exactly how it works. (And just for clarification, I’m not depressed all the time.) Using humor for me is almost like a self defense mechanism. It may not be healthy, but I will often use humor to cover up how I’m feeling, or even poke fun at my anxiety or mental stability that day with some good ol' self deprecation. Sometimes it will even help me get past the negativity. It depends on how bad I am that day. Again, not exactly healthy, but there ya go. Keeping myself really busy. If I don’t have down time, I don’t have DOWN time. Keeping my schedule full helps me keep my mind off the bad things, and in turn keeps me surrounded by interesting people. Having a social outlet with people of similar interests is extremely important, for me anyway. Staying social is a hugely important factor in managing my mental health. Even the scientists and their studies think so. Eating healthy and exercise. It goes without saying. Healthy body, healthy mind. After years of keeping a close eye on my mood and overall mental stability, I have noticed that the times that I’m not eating well or exercising I’m more likely to “go dark.” Again, there are scientific studies linking diet and/or exercise to mental health. Vitamins and herbal supplements. I can tell a difference when I don’t take my multivitamin, St. John’s Wort, ginkgo biloba, vitamin D, etc. Maybe it’s the placebo effect or maybe they’re genuinely helping me. Who knows? But when I don’t take my vitamins/herbals, I am more prone to negative moods and or mood swings. Read up on St. John’s Wort if you’re dealing with depression. Fiction. Ahhh. Escapism. I am a pro at the ostrich head in the sand trick: If I ignore it, it will go away. For those that know me well, you’d know that I am quite the avid reader. I have a really big problem with insomnia induced by my anxiety. I will often read until I’m so tired that I finally pass out. Not exactly healthy, but when it’s a nice book vs. a panic attack, I’ll take the book any day. Sometimes a good inspirational story will keep my head above water when I have gone dark, especially when I’m in the Deep Dark. Sometimes, I’ll watch television, but reading just works better for me on the escapism front. Getting a change of scenery. This goes back to the having a busy schedule, but could also be a little different. Removing yourself to a different location can sometimes get your mental state to a different place as well. Go for a walk, go lay in the grass in the backyard, go to the library, yada yada yada. The “It could be worse” mantra. When I find myself in times of trouble this mantra comes to me, speaking words of wisdom… (See what I did there? I am so sorry. I apologize for the dumb Beatles reference.) Seriously though, this has helped me a lot. If I find myself spiraling, reminding myself that there are worse things in the world can be helpful. Support system aka friends/family. You may have noticed that I mentioned depression ran in my family. It’s sometimes nice to know that there are others that understand how you feel, even if not in exactly the same way. Also having people available that will kick your ass out of bed and take you on a drive when you are in a depressive funk helps too. Having people to talk to, especially about your past traumas can be incredibly helpful.

We live in a society where mental illness has such a negative social stigma attached to it. No one wants to talk about their mental issues. It's like Fight Club. We don't talk about it. Getting help (a psychiatrist and/or medication) can be prohibitively expensive. I don't want to get too political here, but it is really hard not to. The United States' health care policies don't really care about the health (mental OR physical) of its citizens. It all comes down to the great green dollar. A lot of people are just trying to get by and will avoid going to the doctor or get help for mental issues because they simply can’t afford to.

We live in a time where we are bombarded by information. Educate yourself on mental illness. Go to a suicide prevention workshop. Do your part to help those around you that are suffering from mental illness. Stay positive, both for yourself and those around you. Everyone is facing their own inner demons, big and small. Some may be up front about it, and some may be hiding it from those around them. If you do nothing else today, give someone a hug or a smile. They might be needing it.

I feel obligated to share the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number (1-800-273-8255). (This is an essay on mental heath after all.) If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide please call. Doing a Google search for suicide help can bring up a lot of useful information as well.

So here comes the end of this strange little endeavor of a writing project I have embarked upon this morning. I’m not even sure why I felt like writing this, but as a writer you sometimes get those urges that you can’t say no to. I may not have the most healthy of coping mechanisms, but they are working for me, for the most part anyway. Should I go to a psychiatrist? Probably. Should I be on medication? Also, probably. Can I afford it? No. But I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve got.

#mental health #bipolar disorder #depression #anxiety #suicide #suicidal #i've got issues #my writing #a mental health story #coping mechanism #coping with depression #dealing with mental illness

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katesattic · 8 years

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I admire how you don't shy away from things you want to talk about on this blog, your opinions, and all that. I'm too scared to discuss things. I have like 0-3 people I can talk about opinions with. It just feels like it's just a tense political climate with an us vs them mentality out there these days that if I don't agree 100% with an ideology it's like everyone in the group hates you now... so I just keep my thoughts to myself but sometimes it makes me sad because I feel alone with thoughts

You are so sweet!!

I am definitely not this open IRL. I have three types of anxiety, extreme shyness and introversion. So social situations are something I avoid. But I feel more comfortable being myself online.

Even though this is my personal blog, there’s just a certain level of anonymity to the internet that face-to-face interactions just don’t provide. Honestly, I mostly steer clear of the discourse. There are some moments where I will throw in my two-cents, but mostly I try to keep this blog as upbeat as possible. People have so much shit going on in their lives - some that I can’t even comprehend - so why do I want to add to that?

I do have other blogs where I am more anonymous, so I feel freer to be more vocal on certain topics. Like I have a positivity blog, a fandom blog (Kids in the Hall), a mental health blog, and a couple others and I use pseudonyms on those ones, but when asked on those blogs, I am happy to reveal my personal blog (this one).

No one’s going to agree with anyone on everything 100% of the time, so taking that into account is also something I try to do. I also try to be understanding when people misconstrue my message and explain it as calmly as I can. I want to keep my tone positive and not just bitch the person out. So don’t ever feel that you are alone with your thought. There are how many billion people on this planet? There’s bound to be someone that shares your opinion.

And hey, as long as you word it in a kind and sincere way, you can always share your opinions with me (even as anon). I have an email set up for this blog [ [email protected] ] where people can feel free to talk to me privately in a place where there is no word or character limit. Please don’t ever feel you can’t talk about something. Getting lost in your own mind can be hell (trust me, I know). So even if you want to take this conversation off Tumblr and move to email, know that I am always someone in whom you can confide. Don’t ever shy away from your thoughts, thoughts are tremendously interesting, people have awesome ideas. Always feel free to talk to me.

Hugs and butterfly kisses (or a friendly wave if you have a “no touchy” policy),-Kt 💗

#atticask #hugs and butterfly kisses #anon #irl #url #online life #tumblr #email #comfort #opinions #ily #introversion #anxiety #shy away #touchy tpoics

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lasermeup · 8 years

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LONG PSA: Regarding Killing Stalking

So guess who finished reading what’s available of Killing Stalking recently? That’s right, me! And that’s after seeing two sides of the–uh, what we might consider the community I guess. So here are my loooong two cents regarding what seems to be the main issues with the series in context of those reading it and enjoying it aka the newly growing fandom. This assumes you don't already understand how fucked up the story is and you're reading it and responding in an inappropriate way.

1. Please understand this is not a story about a healthy and loving relationship.

I repeat, this is NOT a story about a HEALTHY AND LOVING relationship. This is literally a story that is a study of two individuals, both who have a long list of trauma from their childhood that have shaped them into who they are “today.” Both individuals express several key behaviors and types of personalities that would make any psychologist, sociologist, and/or those who are studying mental behaviors, abnormality, and the relationship of individuals and their society perk up with morbid curiosity. Why? Because they literally are expressing traits that usually are linked to those we would diagnosed or be evaluated as within the spectrum of sociopathy/psychopathy aka antisocial personality disorder.

What IS antisocial personality disorder? Antisocial personality disorder as defined by the DSM-5 is the diagnosis assigned to individuals who habitually violate the rights of others without remorse. Those who are diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder tend to be individuals who showcase a lack of remorse for safety (mental, physical) of others and those who impulsive, liars, and highly manipulative (whether it is subtle or direct). Antisocial personality disorder diagnosed individuals also showcase a lack of guilt as well. Most importantly, they tend to disassociate themselves emotionally and mentally from their choices or acts.

The difference between psychopaths and sociopaths is the “root” of their risk. While both are individuals diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder, psychopaths tend to be more based on genetics (so self focus) and sociopaths tend to be more based on environmental factors (so the circles in which the individual interacts with aka school, home, family, etc.). This is NOT to say that psychopaths are not affected/can’t be affected/do not experience trauma relating to their social circles, but the difference between the two tend to stem from the source of their risk.

P.S. High risk vs low risk : those who experience trauma, particularly extreme violence creates a higher risk for antisocial personality disorder for a multitude of reasons. It’s important to TAKE NOTE THAT THOSE WHO ARE CONSIDERED HIGH RISK DO NOT ALWAYS OR ARE GUARANTEED TO DEVELOP ANTISOCIAL PERSONALITY DISORDER. They are simply at higher risk to do so.

P.S.S Antisocial personality disorder/psychopathy/sociopathy does not guarantee violence. Violence is not something that is a “must” or a “plus.” It is there in most cases but it is not the main reason for why someone would be diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

2. Stockholm syndrome, stalking, and murder is not cute.

Like, I’m not even sure why this should be something to discussed because the truth and reality of it all is that those three words are not linked to anything positive at all. Stockholm syndrome is often seen as a mental adaptation to what is a very terrifying and traumatizing scenario. It is a PSYCHOLOGICAL CONDITION that creates feelings of safety (and yes, at times affection) toward kidnappers or captors from victims and hostages. This, however, is NOT LOVE. This is your mind literally creating what appears to be a safer scenario in which survivability increases. This is not something victims choose to have. This is a condition that appears usually because of trauma. Romanticizing Stockholm syndrome is honestly disrespectful to victims who have gone through it because you are literally pretending it is something that people choose and something that is wanted or desired. No one should be wanting to be placed in a scenario in which you either make yourself love your captor or you go through hell.

Stalking, again, is not cute. It is an act of violence against an individual because it ignores all the rights, desires, and autonomy of said individual. Yes, stalking isn’t always violent. Not all stalkers come to attack their victims but most stalkers know what they are doing is abnormal and outside the category of normative social interaction. Stalking creates intimidation, a false sense of reality for the stalker (because the perspective and view of the world from the stalker is very different from the view of the victim), and often results in acts of violence if that “reality” is changed or altered. ROMANTICIZING STALKING IS SO PROBLEMATIC I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. This is a thing that is REAL and that affects people and causes FEAR. It isn’t something funny, or loving, or whatever you want to call it. It’s not fluff.

MURDER IS NOT CUTE. MURDER IS NOT CUTE. MURDER ISN’T LOVE. YOU DON’T KILL FOR LOVE AND YOU SURE AS HECK SHOULD NOT BE THINKING BEING KILLED BY SOMEONE YOU LOVED IS THE BEST WAY TO DIE. Murder should NOT be romanticized because please don’t forget that murder takes away someone’s right to live without remorse or care about what they want. I mean, quite honestly, we shouldn’t be romanticizing suicide, double suicide (or lover’s suicides as some know them by) or murder. Period. Romanticizing it is taking away the truth of what it is. Redefining it as an act of romance ultimately adds into issues in which we ultimately condone these acts if they’re “acts of love” (which they are not).

Romanticizing any of the above is pretty fucking shitty in general but to romanticize them within the context of Killing Stalking is even more so.

3. Please take note that Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder are two very similar sounding things but are two very different diagnoses.

Those who are diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder experience a series or a pattern of swings and these are often longstanding. Bipolar Disorder diagnosed individuals usually experience what is deemed as “episodes” or “periods” of mania. This means that they can experience depression (suicidal thoughts, lack of energy, loss of interest in hobbies, etc.) or mania (excessive happiness/anger/sadness, higher risk taking, impulsiveness) in episodes or periods. Both BPD and BD are “swing” disorders but BPD is long lasting and BD is alternating (though you can experience both depression and mania at the same time). Romanticizing either of these are no no, by the way. And generalizing these as the same is also a no, no (as treatment differs for a reason and effects are different).

Now let’s get to actual Killing Stalking part related part with the fandom.

1. This is not a healthy story and so you should not read it as if it is a normal, romantic, sweet, healthy story.

Please look at what I wrote above if you honestly need a reminder about why this isn’t a story about healthy love or really, love in general.

2. Stalking, psychopathy/sociopathy, disorders in general should NOT BE ROMANTICIZED or GENERALIZED.

People have gone through many things, many experiences. Many are also at risk for these disorders and/or others. Many people are also living through trauma or abuse. Romanticizing any of it is disrespectful to those individuals and also disrespectful to the scientific and health community who have worked their asses off to get rid of negative connotations and misleading bias toward these disorders and individuals who are diagnosed with these disorders. These are things that affect people, affect society. Treat them with respect. Going kyaa, Stockholm Syndrome!! I want that!! is not the way to go. And quite honestly, that’s seriously immature of you to even have that thought in the first place. And honestly, if you are interested, please consider picking up articles about these disorders and case studies. Educate yourself on these topics because trust me, it gives you a whole new perspective on actions and behaviors.

P.S. If you have a fucked up definition (aka, one NOT IN THE OFFICIAL BOOK OF DEFINING THESE DISORDERS), don’t you put that definition onto people in real life. Just, no.

P.S.S. this is also the same for real life serial killers. Bundy, Zodiac Killer, Killer Clown, Leather Man, none of them are meant to be romanticized. REAL PEOPLE HAVE DIED AS A RESULT OF THEIR ACTIONS. Okay? Okay.

3. Please consider reading this as if it is a very creative, possibly exaggerated and visual mini study of a very intricate but also problematic relationship between two individuals with a lot of extreme history of their own. It’s a story about abuse but if you used a correct perspective (in other words, I’m saying if you read it with the understanding this shit is not representative of anything healthy or good or nice or LOVING), it can be a very good small study for those who are interested in a visual representative of how an individual can affect another individual and how personal traits, factors, and decisions can ultimately “change the game.”

This is by no means to say you should take this story as if it’s a real case study because it’s not. It is, however, a direct and unsubtle visual thriller about a serial killer and a stalker and their history (personally and together). If you can look at it as all the sick shit it is, then that’s all you need. Don’t associate it with love, don’t force love on it, and you should be fine. In all honesty, as a psych major, I do find the story interesting because I just 1. do not see love in this, 2. do not romanticize this in any way, 3. prefer to analyze character development and the author’s depiction of disorders/behaviors. Which leads to—

4. You can enjoy the story for what it is without condoning violence or assault. Finding a story narrative interesting, even if it is violent, does not mean that you condone the violence in it or the actions or the behaviors or anything in it. It just means you find it interesting. This goes for characters as well. Problematic characters can be visually and emotionally interesting for individuals BECAUSE they are problematic. It does not mean that the individual condones that character’s actions. Now, if you think this shit is the bomb and you wanna go kill someone too for the sake of killing, then it has nothing to do with the story and it all has to do with you (and please consider talking to someone regarding your compulsions or desire on a very serious note).

IF THIS STORY MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU ARE WITHIN ALL RIGHTS TO GET IT AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM YOU. Unfollow people, block posts, create a safe space for yourself. This is fine, this is good, this is preventative and healthy. However, if it makes you uncomfortable and disgusted and unhappily, please do not force yourself to go into it, to delve into it, and to essentially trigger yourself with anxiety, fear, and more. This is part of self care and self love – make your choices wisely for your own health even if it means crushing curiosity and getting away from the masses with opinions and arguments.

Tldr; Don’t fucking romanticize or generalize disorders, problematic/violent behaviors (such as stalking and murder), don’t force yourself into triggered episodes so make decisions to create safety for yourself if you can, don’t shit on other people if they like it (honestly, no amount of problematic perspective on problematic behaviors condone spreading hate or violence) or if they don’t like it since a person’s interest in problematic characters or narrative or development does not suddenly make them problematic as well (because again, the relationship is not as simple as “I like thriller stories which means I AM A MURDERER!!!! I CONDONE MURDER!!!!”) , and don’t call it love or healthy. Take it as what it is and enjoy without the bullshit additions: an unapologetically in your face story about violence and abuse and two individuals. Educate yourself on topics of disorders, of behaviors, of trauma and abuse through articles, studies, etc. (not through the series ok because again, we have published journals for a reason) because it’s stories like these that can actually create interest and the desire to learn (which honestly, is always a good thing).

CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION. I REPEAT. CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION.

Also, JUST BECAUSE THERE’S GAY SEX IN IT AND ONE OF THE CHARACTER LOVES THE OTHER AND THEY’RE BOTH GUYS DOESN’T MEAN THIS IS “TRUE LOVE YAOI” or THE ACTIONS ARE OK. You can be gay and still be a murderer. I mean, srsly, look at John Wayne Gacy. Don’t you go romanticizing murder just because you want to look at it with rainbow eyes. Also, romanticizing murder within the LGBTQIA+ community disrespects and condones the violence in which queer individuals experience due to who they are and their identification and/or expression.

Seriously. Just read it as what it is and be respectful to each other. If it isn’t your thing, that’s okay because it’s not meant to be everyone’s thing. If it isn’t your thing, take the steps needed to make yourself feel safe and good. Don’t let someone tell you that you can’t.

And honestly, there is no problem in calling out those who are being problematic in a way where it affects other people (romanticizing/generalizing disorders or violence for example) but if it’s just someone who likes it because the story is interesting—?? If it is someone else’s thing, don’t pass immediate judgement and start demanding they off themselves because they’re a scourge to society or something. An interest in these types of things do not equate to a future murderer or a murderer in hiding.

#killing stalking #long post #personal rant #honestly i am just more tired over the fact that people are romanticizing this shit rather than just seeing it as it is #cause lbr we don't need any more romanticizing or fetishizing of problematic behaviors when this shit affects us all #also if you young and unsure and coughs uneducated about disorders and such please consider reading up on it rather than go off on what #looks like too good to be true (who wants to love a murderer ok )#btw i personally do think it a good story and i like the development because it's an interesting study for me #but do i think it real? do i think it true love?? do i think it healthy??? nah bro #and quite honestly you shouldn't think so either cause it isn't #but it sure is interesting (and sick for many people because this is so unapologetically dark)#also how is this anything like yuri on ice because i am confused by this idea that's floating around the net #also calling it a true romance is probably disrespectful to the creator too cause i honestly doubt they thought #love is like breaking faces i'm sure everyone can see i mean this to be a true corny love story of the time

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treysenglishclass-blog · 5 years

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Opinion Series

Religious Conservative Parents:

In today’s world, you may have started to notice more and more LGBTQ+ characters in your TV shows, movies, books, etc. As normalization of these types of characters is integrated into various media, you may start to feel uneasy about these characters and why they’re in your story. My intent is to help you understand why LGBTQ+ representation is important and why an understanding of this community is important when raising your children.

I understand that change is scary. According to research, older generations are more reluctant to change because they were raised in religious and conservative backgrounds, where change is not deemed favorable. A study that was conducted in 2015 found that throughout America, the more religious and conservative a person is, the more likely they are to oppose the LGBTQ+ community. (cite) This is because when America was first founded, religion was at an all-time high. The laws and societal standards set by our founding fathers were based on religious bias, and created a status quo; a status quo that encouraged the discrimination of LGBTQ+ people because of what their religions taught. Because of religion being highly ingrained in America’s culture, conservatives often share the same ideologies as religious people. These ideologies are resistant to change and oppose equality in order to maintain the status quo. People who were raised in these conditions understandably get scared and angry when the status quo begins to change. They’re not used to seeing LGBTQ+ people, and everything they knew when growing up is being flipped upside down.

Over the years, the status quo has been changing as people come to understand that LGBTQ+ people are not an issue. The American Psychological Administration created a pamphlet to help people understand the LGBTQ+ community better. The pamphlet teaches that people start to become aware of their sexuality during middle childhood and early adolescence, and while there is no scientific consensus as to why people have a certain sexual orientation, people overwhelmingly feel no sense of choice in their identity. (cite) Homosexuality is not a mental disorder either. “Despite the persistence of stereotypes that portray lesbian, gay and bisexual people as disturbed, several decades of research and clinical experience have led all mainstream medical and mental health organizations in this country to conclude that these orientations represent normal forms of human experience”. During adolescence, people tend to be the most exploratory with their sexual feelings. When these young people come to their conclusion, it’s important to be supportive no matter what. Support leads to happy, satisfying, and healthy lives.

The idea of support is also backed by a researcher and social worker, Caitlyn Ryan. Ryan has worked with families and LGBTQ+ people for over 40 years. In her work, she has found that there is a lack of communication between families and their LGBTQ+ youth. Caregivers have admitted to not knowing how to treat their LGBTQ+ children; they’re unsure of the LGBTQ+ community and grow scared and angry when they see the paths their children are going down. Many times caregivers feel there is pressure to choose between their religion and their LGBTQ+ child. These findings led Caitlyn to create the Family Acceptance Project; an organization that aims to teach caregivers about their LGBTQ+ youth, and help these caregivers understand how important their support to their LGBTQ+ youth is. When an LGBTQ+ child is rejected, that child is “more than eight times as likely to have attempted suicide, nearly six times as likely to report high levels of depression, more than three times as likely to use illegal drugs, and more than three times as likely to be at high risk for HIV and 2 sexually transmitted diseases.” (cite) Caitlyn has helped numerous families with tips on how to accept your LGBTQ+ children. Her method is just to love and support them. You don’t need to choose between your child or religion.

Through my research, I have found that a lot of homophobia comes from just a lack of understanding of the community. Because of religion creating the status quo, there has been a lot of misinformation spread about LGBTQ+ people. These people are not sinful. They are normal people who were born with a different sexual preference. Because children start becoming aware of the sexual orientation at such a young age, we need to start showing them support at that age. If you demonstrate homophobic actions or use homophobic words in front of your children, think about how that may affect them. If they’re LGBTQ+ you may send a message that your child is wrong. This is seen as rejection and puts your child at risk of struggling with many mental illnesses, stresses, and lead them to indulge in high-risk activities. If they’re not LGBTQ+, your actions and words may send the message that it’s okay to discriminate against these people. This inadvertently can lead to bullying of other children. You don’t need to choose between your religion, but I hope you gain a better understanding of LGBTQ+ people and learn that they didn’t choose to be the way they are. Why would someone choose to be discriminated against? Also, please understand the importance you play in your child’s life. You never know if your child is going to be LGBTQ+, so make sure to watch your actions and words around your children.

Media executives:

Over the years, there have been more and more representations of LGBTQ+ people in media. While this is incredible, and I thank you for letting these representations pass censors, there is still some stigma around the LGBTQ+ community. I feel you should know just how important this representation is, especially for LGBTQ+ youth.

In 2014, a study was done through twitter that asked LGBTQ+ people 14-21 about their social connectedness, truancy due to feeling unsafe, school-based and cyberbullying victimization, sadness, suicide ideation and attempt relating to their sexual orientation and gender identity. The study concluded that these people are more than twice as likely to have suicidal ideologies and attempts. Some of the people surveys reported feeling safe at home and school, but there was still a gap outside of those places. Because of the stigma of LGBTQ+, it is harder for people of this community to reach out for help, and instead internalize their feelings. For the people that don’t feel safe at home, school, or anywhere in between, there should be a place for them to escape and feel accepted. This journal argues that integrated learning, without excluded anyone, on LGBTQ+ people and issues is most beneficial for decreasing LGBTQ+ bullying and suicide ideology. The Journal also argues that with youth suicide in LGBTQ+ people increasing, adults should be calling for action. Since these adults have the power to teach their children, they need to be teaching their children that these people aren’t an issue. The study shows that exposure to LGBTQ+ people helped decrease LGBTQ+ youth suicide rates.

So what’s one of the best ways to show support for this community? TV and movies! By seeing a positive representation of themselves in TV and movies, they can escape into a different world where they feel accepted. These people can start to gain a better understanding of themselves and see themselves in a happy future. By having positive LGBTQ+ representations in family-friendly content, you not only tell LGBTQ+ people that they’re important and cared for, you teach their straight peers that these people are normal, and they deserve love and support. Children are extremely perceptible to what they see on a screen. You see children playing pretend and acting out their favorite movies and shows all the time. In 2005, there was a study done that recorded how children responded after 6 months of watching prosocial content vs watching violent content. The results found that children who watched prosocial content behave more prosocially than those who watched violent content. With this finding in mind, think about how that can relate to LGBTQ+ content! By showing LGBTQ+ people being treated as equal and loved, you can teach all children that LGBTQ+ people are equal and loved! This would be doing what the previous study suggested. Decreasing suicide rates in teens form the LGBTQ+ community, by teaching everyone through integrated learning!

If you’re scared of how LGBTQ+ people will be interpreted by audiences, take a look at an example from Rebecca Sugar. Rebecca showcased the first lesbian wedding in her show, Steven Universe, and crowds went wild for it. Her show centers around healthy relationships and queer identities, and it’s one of the most viewed shows on Cartoon Network of this decade. After years of heteronormative content, LGBTQ+ adults thanked Rebecca for her fight for inclusion in the show. Rebecca argues that by deeming LGBTQ+ content as not child appropriate, you are teaching children that there is something wrong with them at a young age. By including LGBTQ+ content in children’s shows, children don’t have to learn they’re wrong just to unlearn that as an adult.

Ultimately, you guys are the ones with the final say of what goes into the creator’s content. In years past, there have been fights with censors to get LGBTQ+ content approved. By understanding that children are perceptible to what they see on screen, and the positive effects showing this content would have, you guys have the ability to mold youth’s minds and save lives.

LGBTQ+ young adults:

While LGBTQ+ has been becoming more normalized over the years, thanks to the media portrayal of these people creating more exposure, there is still a lot to do. A researcher in Denmark did a survey with a bunch of youth groups asking them about heteronormativity on TV. A lot of them have an understanding that being LGBTQ+ is only about sex when we know that its just part of who we are. The researcher also learned that a lot of these groups didn’t have Anti-LGBTQ+ Bullying endorsements, leaving the children to learn that being gay isn’t natural and should be seen as a joke. Obviously, this is wrong.

Looking at how the media portrayal of our community has positively changed over the years, you can see a lot of change was made during the Stonewall riots. These riots helped start paving the road to equality and awareness of our community. In the years that followed, more and more networks pushed for LGBTQ+ content to be presented in TV shows. Some of the most notable in family-friendly content include Korra being Bisexual in Legend of Korra, Steven Universe’s statements on gender and same-sex couples, Princess Bubblegum and Marceline’s relationship in Adventure Time, etc. All of this began as a push from the public to raise awareness of our community.

It is up to us older LGBTQ+ people to raise awareness on the matter. As children, we don’t make much of a difference in the world of media. Adults think that they know better, and are the ones that are listened to. Since children don’t have this voice to get things changed in how LGBTQ+ is presented, it’s up to the older generations to stand up for them. We need to fight for LGBTQ+ representation because it’s important for kids to understand at a young age that they matter and that being LGBTQ+ is completely normal. While we push for this inclusion, it’s important to remember to respect the people with power. I know they haven’t respected us, but if we fight fire with fire, it just creates a bigger fire. I know it’s hard to confront this because a lot of people are hateful, so it’s better to just ignore it? We have to be strategic about it. I’m not saying we have to excuse their actions, especially with how many people are hurt from straight people in power, but we do need to work with them to make the progress we want to see.

As adults, it falls on us to push for inclusion of the LGBTQ+ community in family-friendly media, but we must be strategic about our approach. If we just yell and complain about the lack of representation, it can both paint a negative picture of the LGBTQ+ community, and also send us further back. No one likes to be yelled at. If we come from an angle of understanding and love and take the time to fully explain why this is important in our lives, chances are people are more likely to listen to us. We’ve seen people push for this acceptance in the past, and it has made a difference in the long run. We’ve seen progress in our representation in TV and movies which helps normalize us and decrease bullying. I’m not asking you to forgive people who’ve hurt us, I’m asking you to be the bigger person. Yes, we’ve suffered for years, but we’re on the rise. While there is still this imbalance, and while we’re young, we need to show the older generations that LGBTQ+ is not an issue. We need them to listen to us, and people will listen when it comes from a place of love and understanding.

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soulcollector0100-blog · 7 years

Text

Kristie Frankly Vs. Michelle Gomez

IN THE CIRCUIT COURT OF ARLINGTON, VA

Kristie Frankly Address Sealed Plaintiff Case #: ______________ v.

Michelle Gomez Bridgette Coleman Darren Robertson Gary Williams Defendant

COMPLAINT

PLAINTIFF, comes this day, October 07, 2017, pro se, and for the reasons and causes for his Complaint, states as follows:

COUNT I, II, III, IV, VII :Intentional Emotional Distress, Criminal Harassment, Extortion, Conspiracy, Defamation of Character 1. Plaintiff, KF, experienced a temporary lag of mental state in 2014. I was told being poisoned or being drugged without prior knowledge or consent can cause the same side effects I was experiencing. 2. During this temporary episode I sent a document that contained sensitive and damaging information to Michelle Gomez and two other family members. I am not friends with any of the people listed at BHLPC. But definitely not with Michelle Gomez and Bridgette Coleman. Michelle receiving anything was the DEVILS work. I did not care to know these females were still breathing. Fake unsavory character character and users. 3. Michelle Gomez initially upon receiving the list said she wanted her name and picture removed and was making fun of the list 5. After the episode has passed I tell Michelle do not send the list around delete anything you may have. She states that he has not sent it to anyone and that she has deleted the list. Immediately I realize it’s a lie because Bridgette and Gary profile states otherwise. 6. I’m in the middle of a suit which I will not be naming which requires this suit take place because these people are refusing to act like civilized individuals with MY PROPERTY. Also the list is damaging and personal I’m nature. 7Michelle was given ample warning to furbish a list of names and an admission that she has sent the list around. She was also given warning to DELETE the list and tell her recipients to delete the list. This is being nice. She should not have sent ANYTHING around to anyone. It was done purposefully to slander my name and my reputation. 8. The Damages are highlighted in this complaint but they will not be highlighted in this cover letter. Please Continue to read Attached pages.

Summary of Events and Relief follows, See Attached.

Respectfully submitted, _____________________ , Plaintiff Address Sealed

Seal Address

Vs. Michelle Gomez Nixon and Vanderhye 901 N Glebe Rd # 1100, Arlington, VA 22203

Brigette Coleman Capital One 1680 Capital One Drive, McLean, Virginia 22102

Disclaimer. I apologize to the judges and other respectable member of society for having to read my foul language. But these people flagrant disregard for other people’s lives and property ENRAGES ME. I don’t know these women and don’t care to know them or be throwing around their names. This Complaint is unorthodox in it veers away from my character and the professional way I carry myself. Please ignore the verbal asswhooping I have to give these young whores.

Write a short and plain statement of the claim. Do not make legal arguments. State as briefly as possible the facts showing that each plaintiff is entitled to the damages or other relief sought. State how each defendant was involved and what each defendant did that caused the plaintiff harm or violate the plaintiff’s rights including the dates and places of that involvement or conduct. If more than one claim is asserted, number each claim and write a short and plain statement of each claim in a separate paragraph. Attach additional pages if needed.

June 06, 2017 On or around April/May of 2014 Michelle Gomez received a list that contained business professionals’ pictures there work places and other personal identifying damaging information. This list was created by me as a result of an unfortunate health situation. Me and Michelle are not friends and me sending anything to her should have tipped her off that something was wrong. But even if we negate that Michelle was making fun of the document and the email giving me proof that she knew I was not well and that the list should have not been sent around. Not only am I sure she sent it around to Bridgette whom is a WHORE A fucking black shit ball. A fucking White man whore. She is on the other side of town with random men. They are black so we clarify. A fucking pastor. Just the fucking type to use church to open her nasty fucking legs and her diseased infested vagina. Don’t use me whore. I’m a real virgin. Something Bridgette knows shit about. Darren is a joke.. I need Lysol spray if he looks my way too long. Bridgette bats her eyes at EVERYTHING that walks that has a fucking penise. Lets make something CLEAR Darren was USED. Someone Was watching on the other side. The men you fuck with barf in my fucking mouth whore. STOP fucking playing with me you fucking white man whore. That’s me being nice. The only white mans face I see you in hes married. And you fucking following him around like a lost fucking kitten. Is married. Sad and Pathetic. All Bridgette’s dude Black and UGLY Dismissed didn’t see shit. I’d hate to be your fucking mother bitch. Asswhooping and you over the age of 30. If you could’ve read my mind years ago. Ewww. Whore. You earned my OPINION because you don’t act like you have sense or self respect or that’s right follow the law. Bitch YOURE FUCKING TRASH. I’m requesting JAIL TIME YOU FUCKING BLACK WHORE. . Bitch you’re pathetic. Sad excuse for why you send white men the wrong fucking message. A cheap whore in the restroom. Penny for your used VAGINA. Bitch stop playing with me. I give a fuck to know you’re still breathing. You earned my fucking opinion because you have something that belongs to me. And bringing my NAME up at all. Bitch I DON’T KNOW YOU. DON’T WANT TO FCKING KNOW KEEP MY FUCKING NAME OUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH WHORE. I didn’t see shit at BHLPC and I still don’t. Little whores playing adult. That’s a suit by itself. Most of these broadsc ant add let alone they walking round like they should be able to MAKE their OWN decisions. Fuck no. A bunch of little ass children. Nothing I’m saying here is false. Hand on the bible Bridgette’s a whore and she attempted to use me and she’s not a VIRGIN. I could sue you for that ALONE BITCH. You place doubt where it doesn’t belong. You know shit about it. Whores like Bridgette use the bible as some sort of calling card to take their underwear’s off. Bridgette is that whore who wears a tube dress to church looking for redemption. I have an idea keep your legs closed. I will take your mouth off for you. Solve all your fucking problems. Whore stop fucking playing with me. If fucking cutting your stupid as up was legal. You’d be in a blender somewhere. I follow the law. But that would be you. Cut the fuck up with no one able to find your stupid ass. The car crash should have fucking taken your fucking life. Not a tear whore. Give your proof people DON’T deserve the gift that is life. It would have been fucking gods gift to go to your fucking funeral and LAUGH. God works in mysterious ways whore. Thank your lucky fucking stars or NOT. Jail time whore. Till the death of me youre going to take your check, your mommas check and YOURE GOING TO FUCKING PAY ME. your taking your tired raggedy ass to jail. Michelle emailed me and told me she did not want her picture to be used or sent around. She received an email from me a few months later requesting the document not be sent around and that the list be deleted. At that time she told me in so many words the list was not sent around and that the list was deleted. Immediately following that email I checked two other peoples twitter and linked profiles and two people gave me indication Michelle perhaps was not being honest. Gary was making very suggestive comments and Bridgette removed her picture from her Linked profile which would indicate they both were sent the document. I sue the word indicate because im not 100 percent sure. At that point it would have been done maliciously because although I did say in the email don’t send it to anyone not on the list. What Michelle did was I said don’t kill people wearing red she kills people wearing BLUE. You look fucking BATSHIT. INSANE Why are you listening to a murderer at fucking ALL. ALL Delete. I created the document and I don’t even happy a copy. It went in the trash where it belongs. Michelle stole a car and they all aware its stolen and they all get in. Youre all going to jail. Brigette’s excited got a video of me wiping myself on toilet. Its hers. Bitch you’re sick. FYI I like DICK. White dick ON top of it. Bitch Dismissed. Till my dying day I will never understand WHY women are jealous of other females. SICK and PROBBALY GAY. BITCH KILL YOURSELF. A video of me wiping myself on my cycle. You’re all sick. ALL I HAVE to fucking say. You’re fixated on someone’s life who would pay to have you all executed with a shot to the fucking head. I don’t care you’re breathing begging for asswhoopings. I was not well that WHOLE email should have been disregarded and trashed. And if ANY person is saying they had problem with their name picture or any other information in the document I never received ANYTHING from anyone except Michelle upon me first sending it to her. That would negate any argument that they worried about the list being passed around with their information on it. You’re attempting to make me responsible for children putting words in my mouth. The world is not about YOU. Thats 40 PEOPLE who had shit to do with nothing and their shit is being passed around. I passed it around to 2 OTHER family member Equal to zero people. A fucking ugly muskrat put words in my fucking mouth. I DONT TALK TO THESE PEOPLE. I DON’T KNOW THESE PEOPLE. I DON’T WANT TO KNOW THESE PEOPLE. BITCH KILL YOURSELF. NOW. STOP fucking playing WITH ME. I’m pretty sure it was the topic of conversation and the butt of many jokes. Which I find comical. BHLP WAS A FUCKING COMEDY SPECIAL. Bridgette a whore claiming virgin. It’s hilarious. Just let the bitch walk around in fantasy land. Bridgette knows SHIT about me WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE TALKING TO A FUCKING trash can. One bastshit. Two it stinks. Threes she’s jealous. Bitch no. That’s why I popped up on your ass to the magnitude I did. I don’t even fuck with black men. Okay bye. Youre not even on my level whore. Continue to imitate and sell your vagina in the bathroom whore. That’s what you come across ass. A cheap WHORE. Keep thinking anyone jealous Bitch jealousy doesn’t exist if we talking about you. You’re a fucking 9 year old at work with your parents take your stupid ass somewhere. None of the men I’ve seen Bridgette with and there were many I’m not even stopping at a red light to look their way. NO mam. DIDN’T SEE SHIT. DISMISSED. Tell Darren White makes him look Gay.Eww hwo do I make the dude I want JEALOUS off that shit. Gay. Dismissed. Tell Gary will attend Him and Gary’s nuptials. Fuck no. Pick ANOTHER WHOLE COLOR. So they are passing around a document while they will claim in court that’s my picture that’s my name. You didn’t make anything clear to me that you didn’t want anything to be used but you are sending it around. That list contained about 30-40 people I only sent it to three people. So if she has sent it around I am now responsible for what should have been zero people if people had any kind of class morals or sense. What makes this worse is I’m in the middle of another suit making this suit necessary among OTHER reasons. I email her on April 27, 2017. I will paste the emails in this complaint. My email will be removed for privacy and safety reasons.

Also I did send Michelle emails goading that I was rengeing on the suit because After I told Michele I was suing. I had to disown three McDonald’s locations because Spanish women or Spanish workers were tampering or harassing me upon ordering. I’ve never had a problem At McDonalds IN MY LIFE till now. I DO have police reports on these incidences. A copy of this complaint will be sent to Michelle. And they will be served individually at their work places. Let me add here I may add an extra 100,000 because that was a scary time for me and my health. Not only are these people unsympathetic. They should have not received ANYTHING. I have to take them to court over common sense and what’s the RIGHT THING TO DO. I WANT JAIL TIME.

……. May 5 to Michelle

So we are clear my last email is so that you ascertain the magnitude of your actions. So when we get to court you can’t say I didn’t know wasn’t aware wasn’t my intent. You control nothing. Two whores looking to insert themselves somewhere one they are not wanted and two a desperate attempt to matter more than what you are especially in my life. I truly don’t see anything you need to get your life together mind your own business and leave others people business alone. Bridgette needs to stay away from married men pastors and random men she met on the wrong side of town. Ooh and the thirsty thing she still has going on. Obviously. I’m not surprised either if you are single. Really. Obnoxious. Begging for ass whippings. On May 4, 2017 12:03 PM, "…." <….. > wrote: Let’s say you don’t respond to his email by the end of the day I give him your work number kay? Kay On May 3, 2017 12:18 PM, "Michelle Gomez" <[email protected]> wrote: I do not have a list. I am not against you in any way. I am telling the truth. I don't have any reason to lie to you. I'm not sure what is really going on.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 12:12 PM, <…. > wrote: PLEASE STOP emailing me unless you are going to furbish a list please see all emails and follow directions. But should you not be following those directions. You are aware of what’s going to happen and if you are not going to follow directions. YOU STOP EMAILING ME. COMPRENDE?

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 12:09 PM, Michelle Gomez <[email protected]> wrote: I don't know what you hope to gain. Please just stop harassing me.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 12:06 PM, <….. > wrote: I’m sorry I have to be fair SO YOU are aware and no one gets mad Nixon and Vanderhye and capital one. SERVED. Just so you understand.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:58 AM, Michelle Gomez <[email protected]> wrote: Pay you for what? My comment was not a threat, it was honestly just me saying life is too short for this kind of stuff (i.e. my mom died and you are still going with this). Why can't you just leave it alone? I don't have a list, I didn't send anything to anyone. I hope you find peace.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:54 AM, <… > wrote: I find YOU bizarre to BE quite honest. I know your track record. I worked with you as well. Secondly the life is short comment sounds like a THREAT. Sweatheart. Threat doesn’t exist. SAY WHAT YOU NEEED TO SAY. i DONT TAKE THREATS LIGHTLY. You CAN SAY WHAT YOU LIKE be honest or see you in court. i WONT BE emailing any further but should I not see a list in my email by the time I get to a computer tomorrow. SUIT. Show OR YOU paying me. End of discussion.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:51 AM, Michelle Gomez <[email protected]> wrote: I honestly don't know what you want or hope to get out of this, but I don't have any reason to lie. The fact that you continue to harrass me (and probably others) is really bizarre especially since I worked with you so long ago. I have no reason to lie and don't even know what this is really about. So just move on, life is too short.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:45 AM, …<…. > wrote: I’m sorry I don’t believe you. Firstly you are responding like water right now. This is your first response in what 3 5 days? No mam Bridgete removed her picture Gary made comments. I really am not buying it. Should have told them to add one plus one then all of you corroborate your story.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:42 AM, Michelle Gomez <[email protected] > wrote: I didn't send it to anyone. I had no reason to. I respected when you wanted me to delete it. I have no reason to lie to you either.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:33 AM, ….<…. > wrote: You have not answered the question. DID you sent it to people. And I’m going to need you to be honest. I am nearly certain you have but I need confirmation and the names as I will be pursuing a case. and it’s imperative I know exactly who. The games don’t sit well with me. Let’s just safely assume I know you're lying.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:31 AM, Michelle Gomez <…. > wrote: I remember you sending me a list; I just did a search and I don't have it. So there's nothing to worry about.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:28 AM, ….<….. > wrote: I apologize that your mom died. But imp sorry this is of an urgent nature. Really unfortunate. I’d hope that you dont have a list since I requested you delete it. But I am going to need for you to answer my question. and follow directions. I am sorry for your loss though.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 11:27 AM, Michelle Gomez <….. > wrote: I can assure you that don't have any list with any names on it. My mom died, so please stop with this.

On Wed, May 3, 2017 at 7:12 AM, …..<….. > wrote: The fact that you haven’t responded proves that you have something to hide and are probably guilty of what I'm talking about. You have till 8 then I’m just going to file a suit suing everyone I think it was sent to and it you don’t show up. Exactly didn’t want to see any of you. Grown ass woman. Handles things in that manner and acts accordingly no one can pop up on me and embarrass me. Yall act like children and get caught. You don’t show you owe me automatically. On Apr 30, 2017 8:54 AM, "…." <….. > wrote: Im also going to need who they sent it to. On Apr 30, 2017 8:02 AM, "…." <….. > wrote: You have till Wednesday night to furbish a list. Im presuming by your silence that you are guilty of spreading it around. Should you choose to ignore me or not give me a complete list i will file a suit and depending on the nature of the activity surrounding the list a suit may still happen. Gave it your way. Your recipients don't get to make choices or decisions. On Apr 28, 2017 9:04 PM, "…." <…. > wrote: Im going to give you till 8 tommorrow before I assume the worst. Still waiting for the names though. On Apr 27, 2017 9:50 PM, "….." <….. > wrote: Hey Michelle. Sorry to be a bother to you. But I just wanted to confirm you didn’t send that list around but if by chance you did the names of the people you sent it to. It’s imperative that you are honest

I do not have ANYTHING to hide. So I will post all emails. I’m angry for obvious reason.

> May 7 to Michelle

Silly whores. Felt like it. Will talk back with police tomorrow then file the suit.

---- > May 5 to Michelle

If i have to pursue a civil suit. It will be a 100,000 just because you’re not willing to act in a civilized socially responsible way and I’m going to have you subpoenaed for the list of names and their recipients. You not being forthcoming imply malicious intent and criminal behavior. Me having to continuously email is emotional distress and quite frankly anyone involved can be included for conspiracy. The document contains sensitive and damaging information for more than just one person. I find it amazing that you first sent it around but probably turned what should have been ten minutes into what 4 weeks 2 years is it even deleted like I requested and you told me you dud. Did everyone else delete it. I’m also going to try for criminal harassment and cybercrime with intent to call intentional emotional and mental distress. It’s a crime please don’t let one incompetent cop lull you into lala land because I will add damages and throw away the key. There is no room for negotiation. It’s my email. My document and I wasn’t well. It looks like you and whoever you are scheming with are blackmailing me. That’s a crime. How do you guys have jobs. Lmao. On May 5, 2017 12:13 PM, "…." <…. > wrote: It speaks to the patheticness of you and your crew you want something that has to do with me that I own. I don’t care that you exist. There is a word for it obessesion. It's really not a good look. It is crime no matter what youve been told. I dont wish to know any if you past bhlpc for obvious reasons. This will get handled the easy way or the me fucking ALL your shit ALL the way up. I don’t play that shit youve list you’re mind. Do your jobs know theyve hired criminals. Unstable people whose lives hinges on mine. Desperate and pathetic. On May 5, 2017 11:33 AM, "…" <… > wrote: Please give gmail Bridgette my email. Im sure she has mouth i have an address phone number and email. Until then keep your mouth closed. On May 5, 2017 11:29 AM, "…" <… > wrote: Im going to make something very clear to two whores conspiracy is against the law and when i sue i know your full names and place of work EVERYTHING is going in the suit. You don’t know me. Play with fire if you like. You don’t know what consequences are yet but you will.

At this point I call the police. Because I was originally very civil with her and it’s my property is its damaging property. So she’s not being honest about the list and how it’s being used and disposed of so at that point I can safely assume she has malicious and or criminal intent. I call the police. Unfortunately that is also mucked up. Will post those emails. As well.

Cyber Crime

---- > May 8 to sylvan.altieri

So I talked to you a few days prior in regards to a cyber crime. Extortion and blackmail to be exact. You requested I give you her email address which is [email protected]. Her name is Michelle Gomez I called you the next day following up as you instructed me to do. At that time you said she had not responded to your email did I have a phone number for her. I called the following day after instructing Michelle via email if she didn’t respond to your email I was going to pass along her work number which is 703-816-4000. I called the following day to follow up with you but you’re voice mail stated that you would be out the office until June 5th. I hate to jump to conclusions but this is what it looks like. You talked to Michelle and decided to not only side with a criminal but you lying and saying you’re out on sick leave not only embarrasses me. Puts words in my mouth fyi and tells Michelle a highly incorrect suit worthy story. But also I’m not a person that bullshits lolligags or procrastinates when it comes to business and things that belong to me. And I don’t do disrespect or criminals well. I do crazy when ive been crossed because i act in a civilized manner and expect the same in return. The fact that these people are not willing to act in a civilized way over MY property implies they have malicious and criminal intent. And sadly at one point I worked with these people. Dressed up business professional’s means zilch these days. You have no obligation to me but you are in uniform and you have began police work. I can’t allow you to put words in my mouth and I can’t allow Michelle to believe this squabble is anything more than you have keys to my house and you shouldn’t have had it in the first place. You are giving her the impression she can take this lightly. There are no consequences. That's incorrect. It looks like conspiracy from here. On your end and hers. See how this was supposed to be about her. I have to clarify that it’s two. I can’t make you do anything but I aint your dummy. A complaint will be sent today regarding this incident. A response is encouraged. But I won’t hold my breath. The fact I have to tell police officers this is start the world over. Should there have been something Michelle said that was valid or concerning hey Michelle said this. Valid point.

Re: Cyber Crime

….<…. > May 9 to Sylvan

Im going to give you the same the treatment I gave Michelle. I hope you feel better. But I really don’t believe your story. Unless you’re just a forgetful loose ends unprofessional cop. But again. Get well soon. On May 9, 2017 1:23 PM, "Altieri, Sylvan (MPD)" <[email protected]> wrote: I'm sorry you feel that way. I am at home recovering from surgery. I have not spoken to her.

Take care

Sent from my iPhone

Move to Inbox

2 of 14

Re: Cyber Crime

…..<…. > May 9 to sylvan.altieri, Michelle

So I did file a complaint with the police department and will be filing another because you felt confident enough to continue to lie and if for some reason the complaint or the people who received it tipped you off or helped you lie its conspiracy jail time and a suit. How did you become part of the case? How are you the case? None of these little girls are worth my cycle wipes. The fact that you are first implying a victim for lack of a better word is lesser than a criminal is throw you in a jail cell. The law is supposed to correct criminals to punish criminals you talking to them like they have options and choices. Criminals do tend to have intelligence logic and a plan that constitutes a plan and intelligence it causes damage or pain to someone else. Puts words in someone else’s mouth. Is a crime. They have a way of thinking and living that spits on the law and the rights of CIVILIZED people. Let’s make something clear it’s My property. The fact that Michelle is even throwing around harassment after she’s refusing to first admit she still has the document and sent it around and after she threatened me is she’s fit for a psych ward. Serial killer in the making. Its equal to chaining me to a wall then saying why are you still here? The fact that Michelle and her crew are fixated on me and something that belongs to me is one you’re owning I’m a messy person...police email would get the special....you’re jealous and you’re in the middle of the street begging for money while the light is green. Two you’re a criminal while working at a lawfirm placing doubt on everyone. Do not take my she took it line wrong. Michelle thinks she has power or that she holds power me sending you that email with the document was I put my hands in my purse pulled it out and quarters fell out. Michelle grabs the quarters and refuses to give them back. She’s poor desperate. I need to get on the bus exact change. Wants to embarrass me. Is a jealous person. I don’t give strangers blackmail. I act in an appropriate civilized respectful way. You’re jealous for a reason I give you that but you will be following the law on my watch one way or another.

Relief

State briefly and precisely what damages or other relief the plaintiff ask the court to order. DO not make legal arguments. Include any basis for claiming that the wrongs alleged are continuing at the present time. Include the amounts of any actual damages claimed for the acts alleged and the basis for the present time. Include any punitive or exemplary damages claimed, the amounts, and the reasons you claim you are entitled to actual or punitive money damages. For any request for the injunctive relief, explain why monetary damages at a later time would not adequately compensate you for the injuries you sustained, are sustaining, or will sustain as a result of the events described above, or why such compensation could not be measured.

Once it has been found out that the List still exist and or has been passed around. A list of names and ALL its recipients on Michelle’s end. A contract/promise stating the list has been deleted and all its remnants will be deleted and properly disposed of and that it will not be reproduced. Also the list shall not be mentioned and ANY and ALL THE people listed will not be contacted or be made aware of the list. The list never happened. You never received it. Know nothing of it. WHAT LIST. 2,000,000 in damages to be split among GUILTY parties. Meaning the guilty parties have to pay me. Jail time for extortion harassment fraud and conspiracy for people that have shown exemplary motivated and intentional malicious intent.

I will add 500,00 if my name any of my likeness GOES anywhere. And jail time.

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