#ignore my mum talking in the background

[conanssummerchild]

jerry crying and rick making a face and backing away, he was so real for that 😭😭

[olivia091108]

how to be a jackass Introduction

Word count:1.k

Tonight I’m going out with my sister and her boyfriend because apparently ‘I need to get a a life’ which I think is kinda rude but the only reason she’s saying that is because her and her boyfriend are thinking of moving out together but I don’t know anyone around town and she doesn’t think I’m responsible. She’s right

“Are you kidding me we need to leave in a half hour and your still in your pyjama’s chop chop”she claps her hands in my face.

She can get quite stressed when it comes to me I wasn’t the easiest to grow up with I was a bit of a hothead we both have a few stories from tell of our fights which she still has a scar form that she never shuts up about

“Alright calm down I have loads of time” I push myself off the sofa and just as I walk past her I barge her against the wall and quickly scurry to the bathroom and lock the door before she gets crazy.

I walk into my room with a towel wrapped round my body and one in my hair and flick the tv on just to have some noise in the background it was an alright show jackass that I would watch when I get back late and nothing else is on except teleshoping. I don’t have anything against it but they need to step it up cos I know give me 10 or 20 bucks I’ll do anything they do.

I find an old shirt from when I was like 15 or something and picked up some jeans that were laying on the floor before slipping on some shoes.

“See I’m ready in what 5 minutes you need to take some Xanax I swear”

“Your hair is literally dripping” I flip my head back and forth no doubt getting it on her. And walk down to her boyfriend Oliver who was gonna drive us.

Once we get their it’s already kicking off and walk towards the bar but some grown men are standing there ignoring me while I ask them to move so I manage to budge my way through them and get a rum and coke.

I start to sweat being surrounded by 15 people who clearly know nothing about personal space. I see my sister and Oliver talking to some dude and my sister starts pointing me out and calling me over.

Y/n come here so you know that show you love jackas-

Love? No I don’t love it I don’t even like it that much but what does that have to do with anything?

“Y/n”she says my name like my mum used to when I would break something she jerked her head to the man just standing there and at first I’m confused but then I realise who he is Oh shit

you don’t like the show sweetheart?the leader of the show asks

“I mean It’s alright but you could do better.” He laughs a bit at my words “oh yeah what then?”

“Nah I didn’t mean to be rud- no I’m serious what do you think”

“Do more nasty shit or more extreme stuff and more painful stunts all in saying is anything you lot do I could do if I knew I was getting paid or just for a laugh”

Ill buy you a drunk if you make out with that man at the bar he points to a fat man who is drenached with sweat and is missing a tooth at the bottom

“Easy.”

I walk over to him and straight up grab his face and kiss him slipping my tongue and feel him grab a handful of my ass and a few seconds later pull away and walk back over to Johnny using the bottom of my shirt to try and wipe my tongue

“Ok your’e turn Pants that biker playing pool” Johnny looks at him and he looks like he will smash his face in. He walks over there and waits till he has his back to him and as hard as he can yanks his jeans down with his boxers coming as well exposing his bare crack Johnny turns round and ores tends to be in a conversation with some random lady.

The man pulls Johnny to face him and holds him by the colour getting redder and redder. His friends start crowding him and they look like they’re gonna jump him so I walk over and tell him.

“Sir they ran into the bathroom he didn’t do it.”

He lets go of Johnny and storms towards the bathroom with his friends following hot on his heals. I burst out laughing making my eyes water.

“I was about to get my ass kicked”Johnny said joining in on your’e laugh.

The night progressed like this having a couple drinks doing some dares. I didn’t even know that Olivier and my sister left. Some of his fiends joined in.

Running along the bar naked then getting pushed off -Chris

I poured salt in my eye

Ehren getting pool balls thrown at him.

And obviously Steve o lit himself on fire spreading it onto my hair

And so on by the end we were all drunk as fuck and had been kicked out.

I wake up with a throbbing head ache and open my eyes but getting blinded by the lights once they adjust I’m in the bath but I don’t recognise it. I get out and try and find out where I am I hear voices so I walk towards it and then it clicks.

We got kicked out and went back to Steve os apartment carrying on the night everything else’s is a bit hazy right now.

I see all of them in the living room chatting and I also see Steve o wearing my shirt that is 4 sizes too small and some boxers.

Hey Steve o can I have my shirt back I groggily ask making them look towards me probably forgetting I was here.

Yeah dude. He takes it off and throws it at me and I take off the one in wearing and give it to him.I turn around and change

“Dude that bruise is gnarly” I look down at my hip bone and see it decorated with a purple bruise from when I tried to break the door down.

“Y/n you weren’t bullshitting last night we’re you? Johnny asks

“What about?”

“Well we were thinking you were right we gotta be more exciting and you seemed pretty into it would you wanna join.”

“No offence babe but Johnny she was drunk as shit she won’t do any of it sobre”

“Try me.”

Time skip

“Im y/n y/l/n and this is electric mouse trap.”

I stick out my tongue and let Chris clip it on to my tongue and immediately feel the electricity. I Jump around in pain trying to keep it in as long as I can to prove to them I can do it. I Shake my head and rip It off my tongue and It feels numb. I try to speak but all that’s coming out is jibberish and everyone including myslef laugh.

“Welcome to jackass y/n”

Guys I’m baaaack

This will be a slower burn series of bam x reader and jackass girl don’t know how often I will post but I’ve planned at least 3 chapters and I’m so excited message me any headcannons you wnat in this

Ik bam wasn’t in this but just you wait

My requests are still open

-liv

[loveisanimaginarydagger3000]

The Babysitter (4)

Parks And Puppies

Wanda Maximoff X Reader

Summary: In need of money and a way to escape the problems at home, you get a job babysitting two lovely boys named Billy and Tommy Maximoff. What happens when you start to feel things you shouldn't for their mother? Will it bloom into love or leave you heartbroken?

A/N- I would just like to say that there will be some sensitive issues in this story such as alcoholism, homophobia, anxiety as well as more mature content such as smut so, if you continue to read this, please consider this warning.

The Babysitter Master list | General Master List

Chapter 4- W/c 2.3k

Parks And Puppies

A loud ringing noise startles you awake, your hand shooting out of the comfort of your duvet to reach the device, eyes squinting as you see Natasha's name flash on the screen.

"Hey," your voice raspy from just waking up, your hand moving to cover your yawn as you flop back onto the bed, leaving your phone on speaker as you talk to your best friend.

"Hey Y/n, my best, best friend," her tone is too sweet, her words too complimentary making you groan.

"What do you want, Nat?" you grumble, only just looking at the time and realising she's woken you up at nine on a Saturday.

"Who says I want anything?" she answers back, you push your face against your pillow, wishing you could be swallowed up by sleep again and be left to bask in the warmth of your bed.

"It's nine in the morning Nat, tell me what you want now otherwise I'm going back to bed," you can hear her chuckle at your moody and tired tone.

"Well, Yelena is currently out for some school trip that's lasting the weekend and I'm in charge of looking after Fanny," you laugh at the dog's name as always, Natasha groaning at your childishness. "Really Y/n? Every time," you hear her mutter something else in Russian before continuing, "Any chance you would walk her with me? I don't want to go alone and, well, you practically love that dog more than me."

"Are you jealous, Romanov?" you tease, reluctantly sitting up in bed, back cracking in a satisfying way when you stretch a little. "I'll come on one condition; you pick me up to go to the park."

"Deal," she says, "What time do you want me to pick you up?"

"Ten?" you hear her agree to that and a bark in the background, "Tell my favourite resident of the Romanov household I love her, and I'll see her soon."

"Cyka," she mutters before saying goodbye, leaving you to get ready before meeting her.

Around an hour later, you've showered and gotten dressed into a simple outfit, pulling a hoodie on to keep you warm from the slight chill of outside. You check the living room to see your mum still on the sofa, not even bothering to wake her up and tell her you're going out. You do, however, grab a quick snack from the kitchen, only a breakfast bar as you're hoping to persuade Natasha to go with you to get food somewhere else, and start to head outside the apartment block, looking for your best friend and her car.

"Are you ready?" she calls out when you approach her car, confusing her as you walk towards the backseats with a grin on your face.

"Yeah," you answer, not wanting to ignore her and climb into the back where Fanny sits, Natasha rolling her eyes in the rear mirror as you hug the American Akita, ruffling her fur before making contact with Nat's green eyes in the mirror.

"Why don't I get a greeting like this?" she grumbles playfully, unable to hide her smile as you decide to move to sit next to her in the front.

"I can always do that to you," your hand jokingly goes to her hair, face pulling up into disgust and a grimace as you try to ruffle her red locks. "Oh, aren't you a good girl," you put on the voice people do when they talk to their pets, voice slightly higher than normal.

"Go away," she huffs out, fixing her appearance while you sit back into the passenger seat, a giggle escaping you, especially when Fanny decides to try and lick your face from the back of the car.

"You're the one who invited me," you retorted, her shaking her head at your antics before putting the car in reverse and starting the journey towards the park.

***

"Just so you know, as much as I love her, I'm not picking her shit up this time," you make clear, looking over towards your best friend as you see Fanny starting to sniff around a certain patch of grass.

"Fair enough," she mumbles, watching closely as the dog decides to walk away from that area and come back to you two, your hand instinctively scratching her side while her tongue sticks out, hot pants of breath showing in the cold air.

The three of you casually stroll around the park, Fanny wandering off occasionally to play with other dogs and coming back when called, you and Natasha talking about everything and anything. You can't stop the laugh that escapes you when you see a child fall over, Natasha hitting you softly on the back of your head as the child's parents look at you with annoyed looks.

"How on earth are you a babysitter?" she says in disbelief, walking away with you to evade the angry parents for your reaction.

"Oh, come on, that was funny," another chuckle leaves your lips as you replay the small child falling over, the way their face slowly changed from happiness to a confused and sad expression. "And, for your information, I'm great with kids, that's how I'm a babysitter."

"Doesn't seem like it," she mocks, bumping your shoulder to hers in fake annoyance as you continue to walk around.

"Y/n!" you hear voices scream your name, turning around only to feel two bodies crash into your legs, Natasha's arm stopping you from falling over.

"Mini Maximoffs!" your tone playful as you hug the two boys, looking up to see Wanda strolling up towards you with a smile on her face. Your breath hitches slightly, the sight of her making you speechless as she wears a long beige coat with a white shirt underneath, black high waist jeans accentuating her curves and long legs. Her hair frames her face perfectly as you peer up at her, now standing in front of you.

"Hello Y/n, sweetheart," she greets, your cheeks tinting pink that you're definitely blaming on the cold weather, not the older woman.

"Wanda," you manage out, giving her a shy smile while the twins notice the dog running up to you.

"Oh my god!" Tommy exclaims while Fanny sits by Natasha's side, looking up expectantly as she wants a treat. "A puppy!" Both twins move closer to the dog, looking back at their mother for permission who nods her head.

"Can we stroke it?" Billy asks Natasha who hands Fanny a treat.

"Of course, you can," she replies, crouching down and petting the dog herself. "She likes it like this," she shows the boys how to scratch the dog in her favourite way, her fur on her head being messed up slightly by the twins' small fingers.

"What's her name?" Wanda asks you as the twins busy themselves with the dog, you look back at the older woman and ignore the smirk your friend gives you.

"She's called Fanny," you say embarrassedly, Wanda's eyes widening and brows raising at the name. Her laughter makes you smile, the sound something you could listen to forever, her hand raising to cover her smile while you let out your own laugh. "I did not name her by the way, Yelena did," you clarify.

"Is that Yelena?" she asks, motioning to the redhead currently talking to her children, an indecipherable look in her eyes.

"Oh no, that's Natasha, Yelena's sister," you say before calling her name again. "Natasha," she stands up and makes her way over to you two, giving you an insinuating look before moving her gaze to the other woman, "This is Wanda, Wanda this is Natasha." They share a smile before Natasha starts to smirk, making you tempted to clamp your hand over her mouth to prevent whatever was about to come out.

"It's nice to finally meet you," she starts off, "I've heard so much about you." You want the ground to swallow you up, your blush darkening as Wanda looks to you with a teasing smile.

"Oh really?" Natasha hums in response, "I hope it's all been good things."

"Oh, it's all been good Miss Maximoff," she smiles at you while you scowl at your friend, quickly switching to a smile when Wanda looks over you.

"Why don't you show the boys the trick Fanny can do with the tennis ball?" you say to Natasha in a fake sweet voice, noticing how she's enjoying making you suffer. She raises her brow at you in a challenging way, the only reason she gives in is because of the way the boys practically buzz with excitement.

"Sorry about her," you say when the boys run off, Natasha throwing the tennis ball so Fanny can catch it in her mouth, cheers coming from the twins as they chase her playfully.

"There's no need to apologise dear," she chuckles out, walking with you to a nearby bench and sitting down, motioning for you to take the other seat by moving her head. "Billy has a present for you the next time you come over by the way," she says while a smile tugs at her lips at the way your face brightens.

"Really?" your voice shocked, teeth showing as you smile while looking at the boy currently trying to throw the tennis ball further than his brother could.

"Yeah, he's been drawing a lot lately and he said it's thanks to you," her voice is grateful, thankful that you've helped her son find something he enjoys doing.

"Not really," you try to dismiss, "I just told him whatever Vision said to him earlier was wrong." Wanda's face turns to confusion, tearing her gaze away from the twins to look at you, eyes scanning your features briefly before speaking up.

"What did Vision say to him?" there's a little coldness in her tone, you turning to look to your side, her green eyes swirling with curiosity.

"Billy didn't tell you?" She shakes her head, clearly unaware of the false information her husband had been saying, "Vision told him he should like science stuff or sports instead of art, calling it a waste of time." Her jaw clenches and you curse yourself internally for finding the action attractive.

"He really said that?" you nod your head, feeling sympathetic when you see the defeated look take over her. Fingers push her hair back, her auburn locks falling backwards as she lets out a sigh. "He didn't even tell me," her voice is barely a whisper, but you still hear it, "Billy didn't even tell me, his mother."

"Hey," you say softly but she just bites her bottom lip, a worried expression on her face as she ignores your words.

"Am I a bad mother?" you blink in response to her question, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

"What? No," your quick to answer her, "The twins absolutely adore you Wanda, honestly, all they do when they talk about you is say how amazing you are." You watch her reaction closely, doubt still in her eyes, "It's 'my mom is so good at this' or 'Y/n did you know my mom is so cool when she does this?' all the time." A small smile tugs at her lips as you continue to tell her about how much her children love her. When you finish there's a small period of silence, Wanda letting the information sink in for a minute.

"Thank you," she murmurs, finger playing with her wedding ring, "It's just Vis would say..." Before she can finish her sentence, the boys come sprinting over, Fanny following behind and sitting at your feet.

"Mom, please can we get a dog?" Tommy asks, Natahsa following with a sheepish look.

"Please," Billy adds, both of them hugging the dog while giving their mother puppy eyes.

"I'm sorry Dorogies," she says, your eyes widening at her use of another language, "But your father is allergic to dogs." They both pout and decide to shower Fanny in affection, while Natasha looks at Wanda curiously.

"Are you Russian?" she asks, knowing that dorogies was the masculine version of darlings, you also interested in knowing the answer.

"Sovokian," she answers, you then accidentally speaking without thinking.

"You don't have an accent though?" luckily for you, the question doesn't seem to bother her.

"When I moved to America, I learnt to hide my accent, now I'm just used to it, sometimes it slips out though," she explains, and you wish you could hear her normal voice. You were about to ask another question but Natasha's phone rings, telling you it's Melina and moving away to talk to her mother.

"You don't have to hide your accent with me," you say a little shyly, not wanting to sound weird. Wanda simply smiles softly at you before moving forwards, wrapping you in an embrace that has you melting against her body. Her lips press against your forehead before she pulls back to whisper.

"Thank you Detka," your cheeks flush at the sound of her voice, her accent causing a slight rasp to her words before she pulls away, Natasha returning with a shit eating grin on her face.

"I'm sorry to break this up," you glare at her, "But Melina is inviting you over for lunch Y/n, if we're going, we need to start heading back now."

"Yeah, I can do lunch," you say, trying to think straight and calm your body down from the way Wanda's arms felt wrapped around your waist.

"It was lovely seeing you two," Wanda's words break you from your thoughts, the boys saying goodbye to Fanny.

"Bye Fluffy!" They both hug her one last time, you raise your eyebrow at Natasha while she swiftly hooks the lead on the dog and starts to walk away with you after you say goodbye to Wanda and the twins.

"Fluffy?" your voice teasing while Natasha rolls her eyes at you, groaning at your mocking tone.

"I wasn't going to have them screaming Fanny in a park and I also didn't want them to ask me what a fanny was either," laughter spills from your lips at her answer, her pushing your shoulder to move you away.

"I would have paid to see you try and deal with that," you chuckle out, wrapping your arm around her shoulders and walking back to the car with her, unaware of the set of green eyes watching you laugh and joke with Natasha, a disheartened look in them.

---

I used Google translate for the translations so if anything is wrong, please correct me (:

I hope you enjoyed :)

Please leave any thoughts/comments/votes <3 I really appreciate them!

Ao3- LoveIsAnImaginaryDagger

[iggyartsblog]

A small vent about marble hornets and creepypasta becoming a recent trend

Tw for description of psychosis, gore description

Read if you wish, if not just enjoy the gifs

Marble hornets is on its 15th year anniversary this year and because of this it's resurfaced and there's a wave of new age fans that enjoy the web show and have delved deeper into creepypasta lore as well as the slenderverse. On a normal person level I have no issues with this. I don't believe In gatekeeping analogue horror from back in my time from today's generation, especially something as good as marble hornets.

My issue is this (Trauma dump incoming) : from the age of 7 I was suffering deep psychosis as a result of using creepypasta and marble hornets as a way of coping with trauma and the stress I was under with neglect and having to look after my sick parent and having no healthy friendship in school. Yes, I was one of those kids who wished with all their hearts that the slenderman would come and take them away and make their problems disappear. The problem was I wanted it too much so my brain just made it happen. I was suffering from really bad derealisation as well as auditory and visual hallucinations of the characters. They would talk and interact with me, just not in the way I wanted them too. I remember so vividly washing up after dinner one night and seeing laughing jack break through the door and stab me in the stomach. I remember watching as my stomach and intestine dropped out of my body as he picked them up and swallowed them by the handful while still managing to maniacally laugh in my face. I screamed until my dad came in and told me jokingly to shut up, clearly not seeing my distress.

These hallucinations impacted my social life too. It was clear to me that there was a handful of them that were not out to get me and wouldn't hurt me if I played along with them. The most normal thing I had to do was just not ignore them. I hallucinated ticci toby a lot, especially in public. I had learned that if I didn't talk back to him he would get agitated and I would have nightmares of the slenderman murdering me so I would always talk back. This made going out with friends difficult because I had to respond to him no matter what. This lead to a lot of bullying from my friends and not many people wanting to talk to me.

For years, until I was 12, I kept slipping through the narrative I was either schizophrenic or actually one of the followers of the slenderman (I used to call myself a proxy, now the word makes me feel physically ill). This belief is probably what made the hallucinations last as long as they did. I wasn't aware at the time how deep in psychosis I was as I refused to talk to my parents about it in detail as my mum used to threaten to take me to a mental hospital as a small child when I used my imagination and said I could see a butterfly, for example, that wasn't really there. My sister knew and so did her friend but I'm sure they both thought it was some game.

So, I'm speaking in the past tense. This is behind me, right? Well, it was for a good few years. I was able to do this via limiting myself all access to anything creepypasta related or marble hornets related which was very hard because it was like my safety blanket for so many years. I tried to not put myself in rooms alone without music or something playing in the background so I can concentrate on that and not give anything the chance to harm me. When I did hallucinate I would take videos to prove to myself nobody was there and in time I was able to ignore them completely and the eventually went away. This took about a year or so of discipline and I think it only worked because it was psychosis and not schizophrenia.

However, the reason I'm talking about this now is it's all come back to me. I'm hallucinating again, I'm being hurt again and I'm unable to sleep properly because of the nightmares that plague me due to it. The reason is very clear to me. Media consumption has caused me to relapse. My girlfriend is obsessed with marble hornets and won't stop showing me stuff about it, which is totally fine because she shows me things she likes out of love. However, when I open Tumblr after it's full of marble hornets and creepypasta. It's the same story for other social media. I'm totally okay with people enjoying the fandom and I'm okay with seeing it from time to time but I do feel so bombarded with it all that's it's triggered me into psychosis yet again. And the way people enjoy this media isn't making me feel any more comfortable online either. You cannot imagine what it's like seeing IRLs of monsters that's harmed you physically and mentally roleplaying and twinkifying the character like the character hasn't killed people or tortured people in their source. I can't stand people simping over Tim from marble hornets after I've repeatedly been assaulted and tormented by a figment of my imagination with the exact same face. Having Jeff the killers bloody and broken face sting like a fresh wound in salt over my eyes when I fall asleep seems like a complete contrast to the hot fuckboy version that people put in their pfps and dirty talk on character ai. I'm not saying you can't be thirsty for a man with no eyelids, my point is it's really strange from my point of view.

Now that you've listened to my rant I just want to make it absolutely clear that if you enjoy marble hornets or creepypasta or the slenderverse you have all the right to keep loving that media. I don't want to put people off or make it seem like I'm trying to gatekeep. I do just want to share a very brief overview of my experience with this media and how it's affected me in hopes it might prevent someone else from going through something similar. This is also a reminder for all horror fans to take a break once in a while to cleanse yourself of all violence and fear for a while and look at some positive media to rest your brain once in a while.

I doubt anyone would be interested in hearing more about my experience with psychosis but if you are ill gladly talk more about it. I'm going to do everything I can to overcome this unwanted sequel and I will over come out weather social media and the people around me let me or not. I've done this before and I'll do it again.

[hindahoney]

Hey - this is kind of an odd question, but I was wondering if you had any recommendations for books or articles to read to learn more about Judaism for someone who’s kind of Jewish (but not really)?

My mum is Jewish, but stopped practicing when she was a teenager, and I was brought up atheist - my dad’s family are Protestant. I basically don’t know anything about Judaism, which feels particularly weird because I know loads about Christianity, just through osmosis. And I’ve never met a whole branch of my family who are apparently very orthodox and live really near us in London. Anyway, I’d like to learn more, and don’t really know how to start? Or if I should start?

Thank you for your question. First of all, if your mother is Jewish, you are Jewish. You're not "kind of Jewish," you're not "Jew-ish." You're fully Jewish, and every movement of Judaism recognizes you as such.

Second, there are endless amazing resources for people in situations like yours. I wish I could say that it was more rare to have descendants of people who assimilated wanting to reconnect, but sadly it's not. I've known some people have found resources for converts to be helpful in reconnecting, so those are mixed in with my list as well.

MyJewishLearning is a great resource for really anything Jewish. I've found their articles to be pretty diverse in terms of approach, and they give perspectives of different movements on each topic.

Jewish101 Playlist - This is great not just for beginners, but for people familiar with Judaism already. They are talks given by one of my favorite Rabbis, Rabbi Mark Golub, about everything from how Jews view G-d, our relationship & struggles with Him, how sex is treated in Judaism, to Jewish holiday traditions & the meaning behind them.

Jewish Learning Institute - This entire channel is beneficial for learning about really any topic. They have a more frum perspective, but I think that learning the core observant values is really important when deciding which ones speak to you. It's also important for Jews to understand their more observant siblings, as many people don't and that ignorance leads to observant Jews being marginalized by their own family. By having that baseline understanding of the reasons behind why Jews do what they do, so that you can decide for yourself it that matters or can fit in your life. The video I've attached is about the survival of the Jewish people, a brilliant and moving speech given by Rabbi Y.Y Jacobson. I think this speech is sure to give every Jew a sense of pride and connection to their fellow Jew, which is vital when forming a Jewish identity. We're a tribe for a reason.

TY Channel Henry Abramson - Not a Rabbi but many people mistake him for one because he's highly educated (PhD). He gives very educational lectures on all sorts of Jewish topics, usually Jewish history. Peppers in some humor too, so he's entertaining to watch.

Unpacked - Gives crash-course type videos (entertaining, some animation, higher budget, etc) on issues that Jews face today, conversations Jews are having in the community, and Jewish history.

My Jewish Mommy life - Jewish vlogger who makes videos on the basics of Judaism, shabbat, holidays, etc. A good resource for anyone just entering the fold. Comes from a more reform background but does a decent job of explaining different perspectives.

Books

The Torah (Hebrew-English, also has Spanish, French, Portuguese. There are tons of versions online)

The Jewish Book of Why - This book is essentially a compilation of a million different questions commonly asked about Jews/Judaism and the answers given range in the interpretation of various movements.

Choosing A Jewish Life - Kind of a how-to guide in terms of choosing a Rabbi, synagogue, overview of basic Jewish concepts & movements, choosing a Hebrew name for yourself (You can give yourself one if you don't have one!!), and how to discuss with your family your decision to be Jewish, or more observant.

Jewish Literacy - ABSOLUTELY MY FAVORITE JEWISH RESOURCE. Can be read like a novel or an encyclopedia (like for referencing certain topics). I read through this completely and it is an amazing compilation of every topic from important Biblical stories and their Jewish interpretation, Jewish history from its creation to modern times, IP conflict, major Jewish historical figures, modern Jewish thought on certain topics. Genuinely, if you want to know something about Jewish tradition and practice, it's probably in this book.

To Be a Jew - Halachot (Jewish laws) around observance in daily life, their oigins, and why we do them. Guide for major and minor holidays, major life events, and an explanation of rationale for modern Jewish life.

Living a Jewish Life - Another why-to and how-to guide for Judaism in your daily life.

Helpful Apps:

Shabbat Times (Self-explanatory, you put in your city and it tells you what time Shabbat starts)

Jewish Chronicle/Jooish News - News around the world for what's happening to and by Jews

TorahAnytime - Like Youtube but for Jewish learning

Daily Jewish Prayers - Invaluable resource that explains when which prayers are said, provides it in transliteration, English, and Hebrew

CalJ - Jewish calendar. Great for knowing what the Hebrew date is and when/what times Jewish holidays start.

JVL (Jewish Virtual Library) - a bunch of Jewish books

Jewish accounts to follow:

Here's a very short and incomplete list of Jewish accounts I recommend following, because they post about Judaism a lot and give a good idea of what every-day Jews think about a wide range of things. They are really invaluable resources when it comes to learning from real Jews and I trust their judgment:

@shretl

@tikkunolamorgtfo (has been around forever, literally amazing)

@adoratato

@jewish-kermit

@spacelazarwolf

@magnetothemagnificent

@laineystein

@gonnauseanomdeplume

@hiddurmitzvah

@girlactionfigure

@rimonoroni

@anonymousdandelion

@starlightomatic

@unbidden-yidden

[seokgyuu]

Hello mitch!

I'm one of you silent readers, but today I wanted to request something can we please get a seokmin angst like angsty angst? feeling a bit emo right now lol.

I would love to see your writing that genre more prominently.

It's upto you if you want to make a happy ending or.... End our lives.

I really just want to see some angst *evil laughter*

I hope you accept my request, thank you! 🩷

All my love,

Max ❤

hi max! finally got to your request!! thank you so much for sending this in, i love writing angst and i hope this is to your liking! <;3

PAIRING: Seokmin x Reader

GENRE: Lovers to Strangers, angst, blink and you might see a bit of past fluff

SYNOPSIS: You always thought Seokmin was your forever.

WARNINGS: very angsty, like very, no happy ending, no pronouns used for reader, but there is mention of them wearing a dress

WORDCOUNT: 1.2k

A/N: if you want to feel what i felt reading this play Lewis Capaldi's Wish you the best in the background. Works wonders for the tears.

Falling in love with Lee Seokmin had been the easiest thing you had ever done. It came so naturally to you as if it had always been meant for you to someday find him and love him. He was your sun, your moon, your best friend. The second you two met, you knew he was the one. 

And luckily enough he felt the same way about you. He loved every single thing about you; the way you eyes sparkled when you laughed, the way you sometimes talked in your sleep, how you looked when you concentrated on your newest art project. To him, loving you came just as easily. 

Your earlier friendship turned into more and eventually you moved in together, everything falling into place perfectly. Weekly visits with your parents, grabbing dinner in the rain and running home without an umbrella, dancing in front of the fridge like a silly Taylor Swift song. 

He was your person. He was your forever. 

Your favorite memory of him and you was when he told you he loved you the first time. It was at the ocean, after he had been upset at his mum, just taking you by the hand and dragging you into the car, the tears so close to falling. He didn’t talk much and neither did you. Instead you held his hand, caressed his skin. He drove as long as he needed until you finally reached the sea and together you ran into the cold water, Seokmin finally breaking into tears, your arms around his neck and his forehead pressed against your shoulder. You held him up, in reality as well as metaphorically. 

When you sat in the sand after, both of you freezing because of course there weren’t any towels in the car, he stared at the sky, his fingers intertwined with yours.

And then he had turned to you and he had kissed you, had thanked you for being there. You had told him that, of course you were, you would always be there. The smile he had given you had made your heart melt. He said it then, said that he loved you and you couldn’t help but cry because this man was yours and you were his and he was your forever. 

Your least favorite memory of him and you was when you came home after a long day of work at the gallery and you found him sitting at the kitchen island with a glass of whiskey in front of him. 

Your least favorite memory of him was when he told you he wanted to leave. 

Your least favorite memory was the suitcase that was already packed. 

*

You know that going to Seungkwan’s wedding is a mistake, but you still do it. You stand in front of the hotel with the gift in your hand and your insides tell you to turn around and leave. 

He will be here. He probably already is inside there. You haven’t seen him in almost a year, not since you two talked it out. Decided to be friends. You never talked to him after that. And he never reached out either. 

Somehow your feet begin carrying you inside, your heart that is poorly glued together hurts in your chest. You see the sign leading to the wedding and you see a few familiar faces. You smile at some of them and try to ignore the growing shame inside of you when you see their pitiful faces. They all know that he left you. That you loved him more than he loved you. 

The wedding hall is decorated nicely and you put your present on the designated table, letting your eyes wander around afterward. Even though you don’t want to, you find yourself looking for him. How would he look? Would he wear that suit he always wore to weddings? Or had he gotten a new one? Your fingers play with the long sleeves of your dress as you begin to walk. You reach the free bar and grab a glass of champagne, bringing it to your lips to take a sip. Just then, when the sweet liquid runs down your throat, you spot him. 

He is wearing the same suit. Your eyes go blurry. 

When he spots you it’s like the world stops. 10 months, 3 weeks and 4 days since you’ve last seen him. And now he walks over to you, seems almost breathless when he reaches you. You feel his hand around your wrist as he smiles.

“You’re here,” he says and you nod, your eyes drawn to him and only him. The mole on his face, his dark brown hair styled up, his warm gaze so full of something you never thought you would see again. But here it is, here he is. The man you love so much, who not even once has left your heart. 

“Y/N…,” Seokmin lifts his other hand, hesitating before he places it on your cheek. His touch feels so familiar, makes you shiver, makes tears well up. Oh, how much you had missed his touch. Missed him. All of him. Always.

“Seokmin, I-,” but he stops you, pulling you into his chest, the glass of champagne falling to the floor.

“I missed you, I am so sorry, I love you, please forgive me,” he whispers into your hair and you feel his tears hit you, mix with yours. You let your arms rest on his back.

“You know I always will. I’ll always forgive you, Seokmin.”

Your eyes focus again. It’s the same suit as back then. He has his one hand around a champagne glass, the other rests on the lower back of the girl you know he’s been dating. No one has directly told you. But you knew he had someone new when he had asked to meet up 10 months, 3 weeks and 4 days ago. 

You watch how he laughs at something she says and presses a kiss to her cheek. You watch how the love of your life is nothing to you anymore but a distant memory of a time where you thought you were the luckiest person in the world. The poorly glued together heart is slowly falling apart again, you feel how pieces of it fall onto the floor in front of you. You hear how it breaks. 

The champagne glass shatters. But not because Seokmin hugs you and asks for your forgiveness. It shatters because he never will. 

Now, he notices you. Everyone does. The sound of glass breaking isn’t quiet after all, not even in a setting like this. A waiter appears and begins picking up the pieces of your heart. You don’t even notice it, too focused on Seokmin who seems more than surprised to see you. The mole, the hair, the eyes. It’s all the same. He doesn’t move, instead he says something to the girl he is still holding close. 

Part of you wants to wish him the best and maybe part of you does. But right now you want to scream at him. How he should have never left you, how he broke your heart with no care at all. You want to slap him, tell him all the things you never did. Was it your fault? Him leaving you that night? You didn’t fight, you didn’t stop him. You just let him leave. 

Nothing matters anymore. Blaming yourself will get you nowhere. You finally avert your eyes and thank the waiter, accepting the new glass he now hands you. The party goes back to before. 

You know you never will. 

[roy-kents]

what if.. chris dying is the thing to bring buddie together.. the grief??

oh. oh anon.

i'm going to give you the absolute benefit of the doubt and say this message wasn't sent out of malice, it was just out of ignorance and that's fine. you're human. but i have more than a few things to say about this so it's going below a read more for anyone who's interested.

tw for talks of death/dying and the grieving process in quite a lot of detail, as well as mentions of cancer/treatments. you've been warned folks!

okay, so. my dad died when i was 11, and my mum died when i was 20, and just this last month my maternal grandmother died. i'm not saying that for any kind of sympathy or anything, it's just so you know i have some sort of idea as to what i'm talking about. i've seen up close and personal how losing a loved one wrecks someone. take my mum as an example: after my dad died, things got dark. i'm not going to go into detail bc tbh it's not any of the internet's business but my mum really spiralled after losing my dad. she was utterly lost and for a long while, i wasn't sure my mum would ever go back to the way she was.

taking it from a different perspective, when my mum died, i saw what it did to my grandparents. for a bit of background, my mum was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer in 2018 pretty much out of nowhere. she went through 7 cycles of chemo, 2 surgeries and 4 weeks of radiation and she was declared cancer free, and then she was killed by a pulmonary embolism. we were all kind of lulled into a false sense of security and then the rug was completely and utterly pulled from underneath us, and it hurt like hell. but i watched what it did to my grandparents in particular. my grandad was pretty much the same as always, maybe a little quieter (a product of the stoicism of his generation maybe).

my grandmother, on the other hand, wanted to go into excruciating detail all the time. in the months immediately after my mum died, she wanted me to recount the night she died in as much detail as i could. for context, my grandparents weren't at the hospital when my mum died, but i was. i was my mum's next of kin, and so a lot of the burden fell on me in terms of making decisions about continuing/withdrawing care. so my grandmother needed to know everything, and i was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place because it hit a point where i wanted so desperately to help, but i had no idea what to do because the one thing my grandmother wanted me to do was ultimately hurting me.

now, how does this all link back to your original message? a child dying is not a reason to begin a new relationship, basically. a relationship started in the wake of grief, especially grief that profound is never going to be healthy, and it's never going to last. look at what happened to eddie after losing shannon - he spiralled, and he spiralled hard, and that's completely understandable. much of eddie's arc in s3/4a was coming to terms with life after losing shannon, and trying not to get stuck in his grief. even when he's dating ana, we see that he's not really ready for that - a relationship centered around his grief is never going to work in the long run, and that plays a role in his whole breakup with ana in the first place.

if christopher died? eddie wouldn't recover from that. sure, maybe he'd survive the acute grief. he'd go back to work and maybe he'd even have some fleeting moments of happiness here and there. but he'd never be the same eddie that we know currently. it took him so long to move out of the grief surrounding shannon and the circumstances around her death. but, as we've seen on the show for seasons now, christopher is his life. everything eddie does, everything eddie is is for chris. if christopher died, eddie would become a shell of his former self. he wouldn't be able to move past that, and he wouldn't be in any place to be in any sort of meaningful, romantic relationship.

buck would obviously also be grieving, but his grief would look different to eddie's. neither of them would be in any sort of place to get together romantically in the wake of christopher's death, and i think implying that they could do that isn't fair to them or to their characters. they'd be too aware of a major missing element in their relationship, and i don't think it's fair to insinuate that they could feasibly get together in the wake of christopher's death. i just can't ever see that conceivably happening, i'm sorry.

(also insinuating a child dying would...encourage his parent to begin dating someone...almost in a hopeful tone...it isn't the one for me)

[djuvlipen]

Apologies for the personal rant

I found out after my dad's death that my grandmother, his mum, was a gypsy (forgive me, I have been told that is a bad word but that's the one she used). She never talked about her past so we never knew the details but the assumption is that she ran away in her teens and just denied it all until she got old and finally told her kids where she was from.

Unfortunately she's too sick now to have these conversations (alzheimers) so its unlikely we will ever find out any more. My dad was supposedly embarassed by it so I didn't find out until after he passed. I told a few friends what I had found out and some are now acting real weird around me.

I don't really know what to do with this. I'm not about to start walking around saying I'm a traveller like an American finding out they are 1/16th Scottish. But on the other hand I don't want to ignore and be embarrassed by it like my dad. I dont want my grandmother and her life to be a hidden embarrassing family secret. But my mates reaction made it clear what treatment I might be in for if I own this as part of me. Is it even part of me? We don't even know what background she had, romani, traveller, gypsy are all kind of treated as synonymous here by people outside those groups.

I don't know anywhere else to ask, what do you think?

No worries! you can rant!

First of, I want you to know stories like yours aren't at all uncommon, and I am not just talking about "learning you have romani descent as a late teen/adult" or "my parent was ashamed so they didn't tell me about it". In my (Western European) country, many romani people call themselves "gypsies" (kind of as a slang) without ever specifying their exact ethnic group (sinti, kale, rom, european traveller, etc) and it can be very confusing for those who don't know the specifics. i think it's because in western europe at least, all those ethnic groups i mentioned intermarried to the point some families can't exactly define their exact background. i was actually watching a romani activist on youtube the other day, and he was arguing that the need to strictly classify, divide and define the ethnic/racial identity of romani people was actually an obsession of non-romani people. in actuality, the lines between those romani and traveller ethnic groups are more blurry than what many people are led to believe, and that's why many romani people just call themselves "gypsies". anyway, i am saying all this because it might provide some insight into your family history.

so yeah, advice number 1: don't obsess too much about the exact ethnic group of your grandma. i know it would of course be ideal if you could find it out at some point, but in some cases it's impossible to, and that's not necessarily a bad thing nor does it change anything about your grandma's life.

I am sorry your friends reacted poorly. I don't know what country you are from (i know that in europe people can be very offensive and virulent and that in north america, they can be very oblivious and stupid). No one should make you feel ashamed of your ancestry, no matter your ethnic background. Personally, I do believe this is a part of you to the extent that this is a part of your family history. your grandmother being romani (even if she wasn't "in the community" anymore) obviously influenced her life, influenced your father's and potentially influenced yours one way or another. that's a family history non-romani people don't have.

So, even though I do think being romani is a lived reality that comes with its own social, cultural, economic challenges unknown to people who didn't grow up in a romani family, i also think people with romani ancestry can feel a special kinship with romani people. cultivating that kinship is a good way to feel connected with your heritage without overstepping, imo. this will sound very cliché but i think learning about romani history, about anti-romani racism (especially in your country), by meeting romani people (actual romani people, not those 1/8th americans), are good ways to feel connected while keeping a respectful distance, and it will also make you stronger next time someone feels entitled enough to insult your ancestry.

[cometcon]

There's a story I've been working on for a while now that has been morphing and changing the whole time into something better the more I work at it and challenge my brain to put more effort in and think outside the box. The result has been both a realization that I am in fact nonbinary myself, followed by a genuinely accidental trans allegory in how the already pansexual nonbinary main character has started experiencing the plot and the world around them the more I write this thing that was originally not about that at all it just lined up perfectly for it (not revealing too much right now because I want to finish it before I talk about it in detail so I don't tangle myself up in people's opinions when I'm just trying to get my perfectionist brain to get something on the page). It just happened as a side effect of the actual focus of the story and I am experiencing some catharsis from the writing of it so that's been really helpful.

I'm doing my best not to think I'm incapable of internalizing stereotypes of the trans experience in fiction so I've been doing check ins with what people have advised when writing non-binary characters and trying to avoid pitfalls and I'm doing ok so far I think (possibly due to wishing people wouldn't assume things of me/would treat me so casually instead of me having to correct them all of the time). Pretty much everyone in their current life that we see the most of is supportive or at the very least puts the effort in to support on the outside while working to match that on the inside. They're not in the middle of transitioning they've already been living as their authentic self for years by the time we meet them, they're happy with themself and them being nonbinary isn't really much of a big deal until the plot kicks in and it becomes a natural side effect of the situation (again, accident, but I'm running with it now and only bringing it up wherever this character naturally would feel the effects of the situation clashing with their own identity around gender specifically).

Part of the story involves occasional flashbacks into their past though, and while their present life involves happiness and acceptance, they come from a poorer background with a queerphobic biological father.

I was adopted by what would probably have been called a lower middle class family back in the 90s before capitalism really started kicking more and more peoples' arses, and I'm from Australia, while my character is American. I also haven't experienced really shitty queerphobic parents as a kid because I didn't know there were anything other than the binary genders as a kid and by the time I came out, my only-subtly queerphobic parents had already started on the journey of being immersed in more public societal changes around queer visibility and acceptance. They kind of sucked when I first told them, but more in the "this is a weird phase and we don't want to just immediately play along/my Dad made 'it' jokes for a year or so before eventually improving and my Mum still misgenders me during in-person social situations even when I'm literally correcting her during the conversation and she seems to be deliberately ignoring me because she can't handle doing both things or feels weird gendering me correctly in public or something" kind of way, not the "you're homeless now because we loathe your existence and control your living space, and you're also lucky we didn't beat you half to death first on your way out because we're that insecure about our own place in the world and you bringing this up shakes every rule we've ever believed in to the point of enraged intolerant lashing out in response" kind of way. I also grew up an only child.

But my main character had a shitty dad in their past who did the latter queerphobic response, as well as a supportive cis gay brother who stands up for them and gets thrown out too and then raises them for a few years before joining the army in the hope of funding a better life for both of them and putting MC through college. This background is important for later in the story where their personal experiences inform how they interact with and understand the longterm main topic I was intentionally tackling with this fic in the broad scheme of the overarching full story.

My question to American nonbinary or even any kind of trans American person in general is this:

If you have experienced the full raging violent immediately disowned and thrown into the street kind of response from shitty parents discovering who you truly are, how would you want to see that handled? I don't want to shy away from realities and I want a balance between a harder background vs a supportive older brother plus genuinely great present day found family to explore a spectrum of experiences*, but I do not want to end up writing trauma porn either. I also don't want to fall into any writing-American-poverty-as-a-still-somewhat-privileged-Australian pitfalls so if you can voice any opinions about how you feel all of these things I'm asking about tend to be handled in fiction and what kinds of things you'd prefer to see instead, I'd appreciate it.

*(It'll also help move the character away from me so I'm not accidentally writing a self-insert because I really like writing original characters as their own people and while I am using this to explore my own gender identity now, I want them to stay their own person and challenge myself to be able to drive a character around without leaving behind too much Me Residue lol. That said I have thrown myself so many curveballs with this fic becaus I keep asking questions and the answers get more complicated but then the story gets richer and more interesting to me so I keep digging and fleshing out the characters further and further trying to make them actual people)

[blankdblank]

Protego Pt 5 - Theater

Jewelia bouncing from toe to heel in wait for a staircase to move back to place, was held in Sirius’ gaze, whose body his mirrored the excited urge to move in place. Remus and Alastor around him were still chatting over a project the trio were assigned to. Yet in a moment of silence, as the duo looked at their quiet friend, she took the eye contact from Remus as an opening to say, “Did you know there’s a theater troupe that has an open call for members year round? Not too far from where I live either.”

Sirius answered, “You do join, any show you get picked for, I’ll be front row.”

Her eyes switched to Alastor, a boy who seemed slow to opening up to others and was also out for a Ministry job by the few conversations she’d heard about him. “Did you know there was a theater field? All everyone talks about is Ministry jobs or something with creatures and potions.”

Alastor reached over to tap a finger atop the cover of the magazine laid over the top of her books she’d checked out this week. “Page forty five, my Mum tap dances in a chorus and Aunt was Supporting Lead in Swashbuckler’s Purpose in the Spring. Up for some awards come New years.”

“Really?” she asked excitedly, making Sirius grow a dopey grin watching the light that just seemed to ripple across her face and eyes mid curious smile.

Alastor subtly cleared his throat and nodded his head, “They always need a teen or two around for background. I can write about their entrance process if you like?” She nodded feverishly, “Probably have to take the Knight Bus but they would cover the fare.”

“Night,” she said with the light subtly dimming, “How late is the bus we have curfew.”

“No,” Remus cut in luring her eyes to him, “Knight, with a K.”

“Oh,” and her head cocked a bit in the furrow of her brows, “Why is it called that?”

The guys shrugged, and Sirius spoke again to not be left without a chance to talk to her today, “It’s purple, the color of royalty and knights, serve kings? There’s not even an emblem on it related to knights at all. Maybe the family who started it was called knight?”

Alastor, to break the confusing stalemate said, “You would take the Knight Bus there and back again, most times they do have a meal for the younger crew at least to keep energy up. Might be some tidying and seam work and buttoning involved at first but you work up to the cast with lessons and all that.”

“Sounds perfect,” she said. The opening of the staircase returned and she waved. Hurrying down the steps to go and find Severus and Lily, just leaving Sirius to say to Alastor, “Write to your Mum about a second packet for me too.” Alastor rolled his eyes mid nod at the obvious request and aiming task to get them some time alone.

“Could have guessed that bit.” Alastor joked and stole another look the girl’s way, “Well, part Veela should go well for her, Morpher too, certainly opens up roles for her. Now you,” he said. Sirius nudged his arm.

“I will be there to button or help with sets,” shaking his head Sirius continued excitedly, “Shaping up to be a beautiful summer, Lads.”

  …

  Three more letters had been returned from Petunia and set aside into the same small box holding the others Jewels had sent her older sister who was still upset to have been left behind. Not allowing that grudge to hold her back, a fresh sheet of stationary was brought out to write her another letter. To not give Petunia a chance to win in this contest on stubbornness and miss a letter to know what was going on at school when she caved in and read the patience breaking letter her older sister would receive.

Ignoring the torn up notes the older boy Dolph had been leaving for the last two weeks on the edge of her desk. As if one day she might need the torn bits for evidence or something should she need to go to the Professors about him. Each one addressed to Petal, the nickname he had taken to calling her in discovering her middle name was Rose. Twice now he had tried to block her off in an aisle in the library and she had to use her shifting skills and distracting charms to escape the area.

Right in the middle of a perplexing silent strike the so called Marauders were amongst several other students who had taken notice of the irritating shadow joining troubles Jewels was encountering. Hiding their use of magical leaves that had to be held underneath their tongues for a month for locking in Animagus forms they had raised four varying tales of what the silent strike was exactly in support of.

The strike seemed reason enough to hope pranks doled out by the quartet would be paused as well without ability to speak hexes to those James felt worthy to receive them. But charmed items brought about via notes to other friends of the four to create them to be left in the path of those targets or hurled their way.

More often than not by use of James’ invisibility cloak, so that he wouldn’t get caught sans proof beyond his proud smirk at the prank playing off. But much like Jewels was known for striking back many students had done the same, often landing them in trouble over the boy who had set off the fight in the first place. Dolph and the redhead often at his side, Patricia at least were caught in the crossfire to help keep the former away from Jewels, and the latter away from Professor Binns. The threatening boy only holding his attentions in shifts to both shadow Jewels and help Patricia locate secret Vaults within the school. Taking up her side to interrogate Binns, read ample books on the history of the school and to confront the headmaster to put work into finding said treasure filled vaults within the school. The only light at the end of the tunnel for many involved was that it was almost the holiday break.

Snow had only aided in the escapes, when the invisible James’ footprints weren’t noticed by students nearby. Meanwhile Sirius would use the chill to his advantage to show up with random cups of cocoa to share with Jewels and Alastor during discussion of the first trip they would take to the theater, where the troupe was waiting to meet them and the few other new teens wishing to join. Sirius in his silent days had done what he could to get Alastor and his cousins to help with a supply just for that purpose to keep her as safe as possible while he had limited himself magically.

Ample meetings were set for Alastor and his lifetime of experience to help build up the girl’s confidence in this outing with enough details he could offer. Plans were laid and after a trek to London, where both of the boys guaranteed they would be there, Jewels would be helped to mark her place amongst new people in this odd world. She just had to get past the first ride home, one that would have her fearful this was all a fantastical dream she might wake up from.

  .

  “Theater?” Petunia asked in the booth beside her adopted sister on the train ride from London to their town while Lily and Severus sat across from them and Mrs Evans worked on a word puzzle book. The other two teens not speaking to Petunia over the letter debacle or Jewels for continuing to speak to the one who was acting on hurt feelings all this time.

Jewels nodded, “I like the plays our old school put on.”

Petunia asked, “But, you go to a magic school, why theater? You could do that by going to our school in town.”

“Well,” Jewels said. Brushing the hair that fell into her face back, her roots evidently turning black, her natural shade. “They have a job called Aurors, like magical police in the Ministry, Lily seems to be after that. What I’ve read,” she said pulling a magazine out of her bag to show Petunia the slightly amusing take on the very Muggle profession that could be easier to adjust to than whatever an Auror was for Lily. “They do seem like regular plays, but you can use spells in them for effects. Maybe they might even let you come to one if you wanted?” she offered hopefully in a look up at Petunia who let out a breath, trying to do as her parents said and be nice to the girls, who without trying had seemingly left her behind.

“Maybe.” She paused a moment and asked, “Are the other students being nice to you?”

“Bit rough, at first. But I found out why I can change,” she said hopefully with a grin at her sister whose brow ticked upwards, “Apparently I’m Half-Veela and Morpher, a really rare combination. One of my professors helped me to get some charms so I wouldn’t grow a beak when I get angry. There is this one boy, he’s rather cruel at times, but he seems to be popular.”

“As they usually are,” Petunia replied. “Just don’t let them know they get to you. Dad says ignoring bullies is the best route.”

“Pretty hard to ignore. From an important family or something. Always bragging to Lily how rich they are.” That had Petunia purse her lips a moment. “I’ve been trying to not get in trouble anymore because of him. Got detention early on after he hexed a balloon to explode on Sevy.”

“How did you get detention from that?” she asked curiously.

“I punched him, broke his nose.” That had her chuckle and shift the topic to what the family had planned over the break for the holidays when more relatives would travel for it. A feeble attempt to get Lily to shake her mood loose to even say hello to her so they could try to get over this tension between them. One that Lily would not budge on until Jewels had, in a clever jumbled debate she tugged Petunia to interject into so the middle sister would speak to the eldest. Of course Lily promptly gasped and glared to the smirking Jewels before crossing her arms and turning her eyes to the window to spend the rest of the ride in silence. An ending that had even Severus and Petunia share a smirking glance at one another at the achievement that in a few days could have them back to normal again.

.

Once at home though after putting her trunk and owl cage inside her room she shared with Lily, Jewels crept out into the hall, making her way to her father’s office where she knew the important documents to be kept. They had to be here. Her adoption papers. Downstairs Lily was animatedly sharing on her favorite parts of Quidditch matches played so far, distraction more than enough to cover the time it took to find the accordion file box that held the important papers they knew to grab in case of fires in the home. It had to be here. Pages shifted by her fingertips to separate the categories of documents until she found a manila folder inside the folder with her name on it.

Not wanting to take too long she forced herself to open the twine and paper button sealed manila folder that held her adoption papers. Out of the court papers was a copy of her original birth certificate, the one without the Evans on it as her parents. “Morfin Gaunt,” she whispered to herself reading the odd document with ‘unknown’ on the line for her birth mother.

She had double checked the amount of magic she could use at home, and with that gave the paper a shake while muttering the charm to duplicate it she had mastered. A quick and easy task to let her settle the documents back into their folder and file box she would put back into its proper place so she could collect the copied sheet and go put it inside her trunk. Right where she’d know where to find it so that she could look into Wool’s Orphanage for more information to be found.

  …

“I don’t want to go, I have so many letters to write,” Lily’s excuse rang in her sister’s ears on the snowy walk out to the empty bus stop where she knew no one would be wandering around. Underneath the cover she ducked to fumble her glove off and wand out from the inner pocket on her jacket she made for it while at school. Carefully she glanced around and raised the wand, uncertain if she was doing it correctly.

Nothing happened, a bit afraid of being caught with her wand out she pocketed it again and let out a puff of air. Deflated at the loss of what to do she plopped down onto the freezing cold wooden bench, not caring of how useless her plaid wool dress and green tights would be against the cold.

Down to the ground her eyes dropped, only lifting up at an odd groaning sound that was coming around the bend in the road. Right out of thin air a triple decker purple bus came barreling down the road to a stop in front of the wide eyed girl who only crept out at the soft knock coming from Sirius on the second level of the bus.

“I,” she managed to crack out then hurried to stand at the uniformed body that swung around the back of the bus off the entering platform with hold of the metal railing there, around the back of the bus she hurried and found a special coin she had been sent with the packet of entrance information. “I was sent this.”

“Ah, another for the jolly crew. Friends are up on the second floor.” Pressing the button on the ticket printer on his waist he tore off the ticket he passed to her then offered her a hand up to get inside. “On the right there,” he gestured to the spiral staircase she hurried to at the sight of the slumbering man sprawled across a bed on the main floor. “Take her away Ernie!” a voice called out and Sirius was fast to jump up and pull her into a chair beside his own.

In shock she let out a squeak in wide eyed confusion to the slide of all the chairs on the second floor back towards the back wall at the jolt of the bus forward. “Sorry, have to find a seat fast, forgot to mention that.”

Turn after turn she kept tight hold of his arm to pin their chairs together as she propped her boots up on the seat of her chair to not break a foot as he clearly chose to do. Wide eyed she finally found the nerve to ask, “Why is it doing this?”

“I think they like it like this, more fun than Muggle transport.” He said with a chuckle that had her glare at him and then look to the younger boy who passed him another slice of his orange he’d been peeling. “My brother Regulus, Mum’s on a rampage thought they might not mind a spare body. Gets his letter this spring.”

“Letter?” she asked looking at the younger boy then said as it clicked, “Hogwarts letter, oh.”

Regulus asked, “Lily not coming? Sirius said that’s your sister’s name.”

“She had letters to write to friends,” lowering her eyes to the arm she had hold of, a bit embarrassed to be holding it, or more importantly who it was attached to.

While he wasn’t mean to her he had been rude to Severus and not stopped James from his thoughtless pranks. All the same in another hard turn and cackle from the dangling shrunken head ordering the driver around downstairs her grip tightened. “Besides, she has a book on Quidditch she’s reading.”

That had Regulus smirk and say, “Well, on low evenings we could sneak you a spare broom from our house and we could show you some pointers. More than you’d learn in any books she could find. Family legacies in the sport, Black name is all over the Quidditch Cup awards through Hogwarts treasury.”

“I, I couldn’t afford a broom.” She squeaked in another sharp slam of chairs into the wall that slid to go to the opposite end of the floor on the way down a steep winding hill road.

Regulus chuckled to Sirius saying, “We have a surplus of fifty brooms at home in storage, no payment necessary, they get antsy when not in use and the two of us can only use so many a week on breaks. Just for you, bring it tomorrow for you just don’t go bragging to Lily or we’ll have to make her cry in refusing her one.”

That had her look over his face in confusion, “Why are you giving me a broom?”

“Because we have them. Because I can. And I’ve seen you on the school loan set in Flying lessons, deserve a fairer judge of what you can do in the air. Nothing like a rivalry between siblings sorted to different houses if you read back in school records. Ravenclaw could always use more talent, been on a bit of a losing streak recently.”

“You know that means you’d be playing against me too.”

“Exactly,” Regulus said with a grin, “All the better for some good competition.”

She readied to speak again only to be silenced as Sirius said, “No one wants an easy win handed to them on the pitch. Better you are the better our future games. There will be openings by graduation day for seventh years leaving and teams will put out notice for good younger players to try out next year.”

“You, really won’t want me to pay for the broom?”

“Not a single coin. Just play hard in tryouts and games, payment enough.”

.

“Alastor!” Sirius said. And got a smirk in return for notice of the finger imprints in his jacket and baby brother brought with him off the copper haired friend. Alastor showed them inside the theater after a round of hugs and a gesture of a hand for Jewels to head on inside the theater appearing out of the ruined factory it appeared to be.

Bernadette Claude, bright brown eyed girl with fiery hair that hung past her shoulders in tight ringlets was quick to latch onto in shared adoration for the love of performing they shared. A single sickle for the holiday break was promised to each teen who would show up daily and follow through with each of their assigned tasks. That and the chance to be in their performances of the show they ran yearly on the stretch between Christmas and a week into the new year.

“And what are your talents?” the Wizard in charge asked of Jewels who had numerous intrigued smirks and comments when her hair began to shift to another color.

“Well, I um, I am a Morpher, leaned that a few months ago, and I’ve been in choir at Hogwarts. I acted every chance I could in primary school when they put on plays, same as our day care center.”

“Recently learned you were a Morpher…” the Wizard repeated in an unamused tone.

Alastor spoke up at that, “She was adopted by Muggles,” luring eyes to him, “Did change, just didn’t have a name for it.”

“Ahh, now that is a new twist. Muggle-Borns always make for an intriguing blend to our ensemble. You are very pretty, no harsh worries about that. We can find you ample roles.” He looked to Sirius next saying, “You as well.”

“Oh, I’m here to push a broom,” Sirius answered confidently.

“Now we cannot have that,” was the answer making Sirius’ smirk drop. “Face like this, from the House of Black as well, we cannot have you in the shadows. What would people say about us then shunning your clan, hmm?”

He moved down the line and Jewels when the teen looked her way saw her with arms crossed pointedly staring back at him. Not even wanting to be a part of the cast and getting a foot in the cast so easily. Bernadette however bumped her hip into Jewels’ and whispered to her, “Don’t worry, we’ll be showing him up on stage no time flat.” Luring a grin across the irritated girl’s face, soon to shift in focus at being told their first tasks to do around the place while the older actors readied for their tryouts for various roles.

Hours they each completed the minor jobs across the lists given to each to see what they might be best put to use in. A clever set of stitching tricks Jewels displayed had her excused of the final step on hers to keep working with the wardrobe crew fashioning hooks on costumes to help hide seams on mock tear-away items of clothing. Something that could be built upon for more tests of skills over the years. Alastor was set to helping on reading empty role lines with the adults who knew him well to help them gain cues and practice to expand their roles. Sirius and Regulus though ran the gambit and would do so for a few weeks to see which area they would excel in. But all agreed over the lunch to meet outside when time concluded to head out together and no doubt chat about the day.

.

“Can, we-,” Jewels said outside on the street when Sirius brandished his wand to call the bus turning the brothers’ focus.

The anxious look on her face had Sirius ask, “Have someplace else in mind before we head home?”

“Can we stop in at a library? Or a police station?”

“You might want to be a bit more specific on what sort of a time you are after us to have with those two choices.” Regulus butt in gaining a bump of his older brother’s arm into his.

“Um, sure.” Sirius said, “What are you after exactly? So we know which one to go to first.”

“He just asked that,” Alastor said and gave a weird look back to Sirius in return for the glare he got.

Bashfully she pulled a folded piece of paper out of her pocket the guys moved closer to see, “Found my original birth record. Says my father Morfin Gaunt died in an accident and I was taken to Wool’s Orphanage, no name for my mother, whoever took me there must have only known him. Maybe the orphanage knows more in my file?”

Alastor nodded and said, “Library for certain.” And led the way down the street towards the white stone building within which they found the map section to pinpoint exactly where the orphanage was.

.

“Alright we have the county, now what?” Regulus asked and watched Jewel lead the way to the public phones she used one of her saved coins to dial the operator who would hopefully connect her to the orphanage.

“I’m sorry there is no orphanage by that name.” The voice on the line said for the four kids huddled up to listen in.

“Is, there any orphanage in that town?”

“Not in our records.”

“Alright, um, could you connect me to the postal office there?”

“One moment please.” The voice replied, and Regulus gave her a confused look.

Softly she said to him covering the receiver, “They deliver the post, they have to know what’s what and have a record.”

“Q- Postal Office, Quick speaking.” A new voice sounded through the line.

“Yes, I was wondering if you knew anything about Wool’s Orphanage? The operator said there wasn’t one, but I was adopted there. It has to exist.”

“Ah,” the voice spoke aloud, then continued, “You only just missed it, demolished that five years back. But if it’s the records you’re after the Nunnery in town adopted their records for safe keeping along with their eldest girls who were old enough to take the vows. Have had a few people come to town already for records so the sisters will be accustomed to digging through the files when you can drop by.”

“Thank you,” Jewels said and the call was ended. The guys stood for an odd few moments of uncertainty on what to say next as she hung up the phone.

Regulus smiled saying, “Looks like some of us are lying to our parents this break.” Luring all eyes to him, “Oh come now, fella said we had to go and check the Nunnery in person. When are we lying and heading out to the country?”

Alastor said, “Mum’s busy all week.”

Sirius shook his head, “Our Mum won’t care, doubt Dad will have noticed us gone at all.”

Leaving Jewels to say, “Thursday my Dad is going to fetch his aunt and Mum has a quick filing shift at work before they close up for the holiday, Mum said we could stay at the house with Petunia, neighbor is so close they can hear us sneeze, can’t get into any trouble really. I could say it’s a spare rehearsal.”

Sirius said, “Good, now first, we get that bus and, who was that name again? Gaunt something?”

“Morfin Gaunt,” she said and he repeated it to himself.

Regulus said as they went back to the spot out front of the theater, “We’ll check the family ledger at home, see if we have a trace of a marriage in their line.”

 *

“Aha!” Sirius exclaimed inside the library to his confused brother who was returning with snacks for the two of them. “We are related!”

“And, you’re happy about this? You weren’t happy the other day, or months ago at that prospect.”

Sirius turned the book to show his brother, “Through Mum’s aunt who married into the Potter line that links back to some obscure daughter, who married a bloke named Peverell, grandson in law to Slytherin. Not even twelfth cousins let alone first!” he nodded then looked at the page with a deflating sigh, “No trace of the wife though. Only bad news. We have to hope that Nunnery has some answers.”

Regulus said with a grin, “I think she likes you.”

“She’s in love with her best friend Severus.” Sirius spoke laced with another deflating sigh.

“Sure, but she likes you.” Regulus said luring his brother’s eyes to him. “Just, keep close by, help with this family tree trouble. Plus time on stage won’t hurt either.”

Sirius said, “For now, I will write to great aunt Dorea, see if she knows anything about her cousin Morfin. Hard to imagine he married without any of our relatives present.” Up he stood to fetch some paper and a quill to compose the letter his black napping owl would be eager to deliver once it woke up and was fed to fuel the flight. Ignoring sounds of their parents downstairs bickering about how things at the family gathering for the New Year would go and just how they would instruct both boys to behave amongst certain relatives for various reasons. An argument that had lasted days and would for several more until they came to a suitable conclusion.

 *

 Pt 6

[grahamkennedy]

I think choosing to be adopted gives you a very unique perspective on how fucked up adoption is. Oh there are people who just. Do not know where they come from? Did not have any say in whether or not they wanted to be in a new family? I personally love being adopted, I love that my "step" mum is legally my mum, but that was a big long process where we sat down and talked everything out and we both decided we wanted her to be my legal parent together. And I knew my cultural background and she did too, and what I culturally wanted to keep and wanted to be done with. It was very easy for me to choose adoption because my biological mother's family were all fascists and I didn't want to be associated with that. But for people whose culture is subjugated or villainised or ignored? Do you really want to take them away from that?

[gingerrevs]

Onwards & Upwards

It’s been a whole year since we lost my lovely mum. In one sense it seems like no time has passed and in another it feels like much, much longer.

After she passed away, I received various well intended ‘hope you’re doing ok’ messages which of course is very kind of everyone. But no, I’m not ok, my mum’s just f**king died! And all I could really reply other than the ‘thank you, I miss her so much’ was that it was just weird. Weird that one of the main constants in my life was now gone forever. Weird that I couldn’t just pick up the phone and talk to her ever again. And weird that I had just gone through a hugely traumatic thing but yet the world just keeps on turning.

For the last 12 months my mum’s final months have gone round and round in my head on a loop, showing no sign of dimming. And the memories of those last few days before she passed away in particular being vicious mental sledgehammers appearing from out of nowhere. As we come to the year anniversary of her death, I decided that perhaps putting into writing what happened may be a way of helping process it all. And whilst it might seem somewhat self-indulgent or attention seeking, if I’m going to spend time putting all this in words then why not give people the opportunity to read it. The sceptics would argue that ruminating on the past could be somewhat detrimental, but then the sceptics probably aren’t going to read this! The following is pretty raw, and I appreciate may be a bit much to take in. But if you do make it to the end, thank you.

Some background. Mum first had cancer in 2018 and whilst somewhat overwhelming for us all (not to mention for mum!) between one major operation, chemotherapy & radiotherapy mum made it through and on we went.

November 2021 it came back. Sadly, there’s always a chance it will return and whilst mum took it like a champ the rest of us fell apart somewhat. As much hope as I wanted to have, could mum really beat it a second time around? And cancer aside, this all coincided with the descent of the Omicron COVID variant which just made things that much more stressful to deal with. Initially things were promising, a treatment plan was sorted and medication administered. And then unfortunately things quite rapidly went sour.

Like all cancer treatment, what mum was receiving was pretty brutal and had made her bones really weak. Early March 2022 in the middle of the night mum managed to break her arm severely and she was whisked away in an ambulance. That same day all Cornish hospitals went into a lockdown due to severely high COVID rates across the county, so no one was allowed in the ambulance with her, nor wait with her at A&E. I made various phone calls to the hospital to try and figure out what was going on – no straight answers other than she hadn’t been admitted yet and the best thing was to just stay put.

Ignoring that, I drove the two hours to the city where mum was in hospital. In that two hours still no news other than mum had been triaged and they were trying to decide the best plan of action. Oh and no I wasn’t allowed to be with her so I sat in my car in a supermarket car park nearby ringing every 45 mins or so for updates. I was finally told she’d be admitted so I then did a round trip to where she lived to sort out an overnight bag and headed back to the hospital. By this point mum had been in an ambulance for about 9 hours. The hospital’s A&E was so full there was no bed for her to go into. On arriving at the hospital, I was told a nurse would come and meet me to get mum’s bag as I couldn’t go in, I asked the lovely chap if mum was still in an ambulance, she was, and was there no way I could just see her for a little bit? His advice was to walk around to the ambulance bay and see if I could find her. It happened to be around the corner from the main entrance, so I walked over and what I saw took my breath away. About 20 ambulances all lined up. 20 ambulances with patients in. 20 ambulances who couldn’t discharge their patients because there was nowhere for them to go. It was absolutely bonkers. You hear about it on the news but seeing it first hand was completely shocking. I walked about for a bit, torn between not wanting to disturbing the paramedics and desperately wanting to see my mum. In the end I came across two paramedics having a coffee so decided they wouldn’t mind me asking. My initial attempt at trying to explain what I was doing just resulted in me bursting into tears but eventually I managed to convey what I was after, and they very kindly found out which ambulance mum was in and led me to her. I was so glad to see her, and she seemed pretty happy to see me! Although worried that there was no food at home for me to eat, typical mum! I stayed for about 20 minutes making sure there was nothing else I could do at the time for mum and reassured her the hospital staff had my number to keep me as updated as possible. And off I went, but not before the paramedic looking after mum ‘cheerfully’ told me not to get in a car crash on my way home because all the ambulances in Cornwall were currently there so no one would be able to come and save me. Mum finally got admitted at around 8.30 that evening so about 16 hours in an ambulance overall. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of all those ambulances lined up.

Mum ended up in hospital for two weeks. Various plans put together (to operate on mum’s arm, or leave it?) and then changed last minute. Lots of phone calls and everything done at a distance because absolutely no visitors due to COVID. Then the irony being that mum caught COVID whilst in hospital, after we’d all been so bloody careful. Thankfully she was asymptomatic and not affected at all thank goodness.

F**king COVID. A slight tangent here. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it was for people who lost loved ones and couldn’t be there at the end because of strict lockdown rules & protocols. I get so f**king angry that COVID meant in the last two years of mum’s life we missed out on so much time together. That she missed out on seeing her amazing grandchildren because they didn’t live in the same country. So. F**king. Angry. And there’ll be so many other people out there who had to experience the same thing. All the while our inept suited turds of a government enjoyed themselves to no end because they just decided they were above the law. Dickheads.

Anyway, mum came out of hospital just before Mother’s Day and knowing she’d insist on there not being a fuss I decided to drive down and surprise her. She was delighted, and hindsight – I’m so f**king glad I did. Not long after that was mum’s 70th birthday, by that point the broken arm & the treatment meant things were really taking their toll so again no fuss, but we asked close friends & family to send video messages wishing mum a happy birthday which a friend of Dan’s then edited together beautifully. Mum loved it.

Mum had support workers going in twice a day and there was various friends & family on hand too, then after mum’s birthday I was back for the Easter Weekend arriving Thursday afternoon. En route I’d stopped to pick up mum’s prescription where they noted concern at the amount of oral morphine mum was getting through and asked if we could sort a review for next week. I reminded them she had a broken arm as well as cancer but that of course we’d get something sorted for after the Bank Holiday weekend and headed to mums. I was gone for maybe 5 days and the change was somewhat significant. I feel like an idiot now for not seeing it, but she was clearly so very poorly. Not much sleep that Thursday night as I wanted to be on hand in case something happened. I was dozing on the sofa when mum’s support worker arrived (they were absolutely sensational and deserve the earth!), and then before she left, the support worker pulled me aside and said, ‘Your mum can’t stay at home anymore, she really does need round the clock care, and she’s not set up here for that’. She was 100% right of course but what the f**k do I do now? Pete (mum’s husband) was with mum, so I popped over to see one of Mum’s friends (Kate) to ask for advice. She agreed mum needed to be admitted somewhere and from hers I rang the support workers to ask what I should do. ‘Ring 999, explain the situation. Paramedics should be able to come, assess your mum and get her into a community hospital. Then you can make a plan from there’.

That all sounds straightforward enough, but mum was as stubborn as a mule and never liked a fuss. What if she refused to go? I drove home and just took the bull by the horns. Mum didn’t even put up a fight, which just shows how bad things were, and agreed she needed to go somewhere. I rang 999 and went through the motions. A while later the paramedics showed up and did a brilliant job, they agreed mum needed to go somewhere and gave a very thorough assessment which then helped mum get into a community hospital in North Cornwall (the only place with a spare bed). It was Good Friday, a Bank Holiday, of course so this meant everything took that much longer. Not that I’m moaning, it was all to help mum but from the conversation with the support worker to mum being taken off in the ambulance was about 9 hours. I was exhausted, and so sad to see mum go off again because Cornish hospitals were still on lockdown so I couldn’t go with her. Or visit. I feel so sad knowing that that was the last time she was at home. A shout out here to my friend Annie, who is a GP, that gave me a lot of advice that day and reassured me I was doing the right thing. Thank you, in these instances it's so hard to know if what you're doing is for the best.

Over the next week there were multiple phone calls, between me & the hospital, me and family members, me & mum trying to keep on top of it all with the hope of getting mum into a hospital closer to where she lived. The community hospital where mum was, wasn’t the same one as she went to for her cancer treatment. She had an important oncology appointment coming up and I was doing my best to make sure that one way or another that appointment was kept so there would be an update on her treatment. The nurses and clerical staff were brilliant and assured me they were communicating constantly with mum’s oncology team, and I wasn’t to worry.

Friday 22nd April 2022. In the morning I made yet another call just for an update on mum and that they were still aware of the oncology appointments she had the following week. Same day, in the afternoon, I got a phone call.

Doctor: ‘Hello is that Lucy, Maggie’s daughter?’

Me: ‘Yes that’s me, how can I help?’

Doctor: ‘I understand you’re worried about your mum making her oncology appointments next week?’

Me: ‘Yes, I know mum’s been worried about them so just want to make sure everything’s being done to make them happen one way or another’

Doctor: ‘Ok. Well I’m ringing to let you know that those appointments no longer matter, it's not going to make any difference. Do you understand what I’m saying?’

And that’s how I was told my lovely, lovely mum wasn’t going to make it.

Me: ‘Yes, yes I understand’.

Doctor: ‘We’re now looking at end of life care’.

Me: ‘Ok. Are you able to give a timeframe, and can I see her? I don’t want her to be on her own’

Doctor: ‘In these instances I use something called “Would I be surprised if?”. Would I be surprised if she passed away tonight, no but then also I wouldn’t be surprised if she lasted another month. However, it’s likely to be sooner rather than later. And yes, now she is at end of life you can be at the hospital as much as you want.

Me: ‘Ok. So, I should call my brother then? He lives in the US’.

Doctor: ‘Well actually your mum said not to worry him’ (typical mum!)

Me: ‘Well I’m going to ring him’

Doctor: ‘I would too. Do you have any questions for me?’

Me: ‘Not right now. I’ve got phone calls to make then I’m going to come and see mum.

Those appointments aren’t going to matter anymore. They're not going to make any difference. Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m sure there’s no easy way to tell someone a loved one is dying but that was pretty brutal. One simple phrase that changed my world forever in less than 10 seconds. And now I had to be the person to change everyone else’s worlds and begun the job of ringing friends and family.

Dan, my brother, was the absolute priority. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else until I’d spoken to him. Earlier on I’d sent him an update that everything seemed to be in hand and that not much else would probably change as we were headed into the weekend. Boy was I wrong. ‘Conveniently’ Dan had a day off so was playing golf. With his phone switched off. Thankfully his lovely, lovely wife Denise got hold of his friend who he was with, and after a long 20 minutes Dan rang back. I kept just apologising because I knew that what I was saying was just as devastating to hear as it was to say. He said he’d be there as soon as he could. Both of us knowing that a huge amount could happen whilst he was travelling from the East Coast of the US.

And then I carried on with the phone calls to make sure everyone that needed to know did. In the midst of all of that mum rang me, I told her that the doctor had been in touch and that I was on my way down to see her. ‘Oh don’t worry about that Lucy, don’t feel like you have to come rushing down here’. Once again, typical mum, more worried about me than what she was going through. I told her that I really wanted to see her and she replied with ‘ok then, you do what’s best’.

It was an hour from Exeter, where I live, to the hospital where mum was. All the way down grateful that silly season hadn’t started in earnest, so the road wasn’t covered in ‘emmetts’ (tourists) but also on high alert in case I got THAT phone call. It was lovely to see mum, but I had to follow strict COVID protocols which meant not just a mask but gloves and a plastic apron. To this day I cannot for the life of me remember if mum ever saw me again without my mask on. I guess it doesn’t really matter but again that’s just something else that makes me feel sad.

Mum and I had a lovely chat about various things, to the point where I thought ‘f**k, does she know she’s dying? Do I have to tell her as well??’ but then she reminded me she didn’t want a funeral. Oh and that her grandmother had passed away in the same hospital.

When someone is that poorly, but you know how limited their time is, you are torn between wanting to spend as much time as possible with them but also giving them some time to rest. After a while mum kept drifting off (I probably wasn’t the most exciting of company!) so we said our goodbyes and I headed home. I made no mention that Dan was on his way, I didn’t want her to stress. Or tempt fate.

As I drove back I crossed everything that Dan would make it to England ok and that mum would live through the night to see him.

The following morning, Dan had arrived safely in England and mum had made it through the night. Phew. Dan got to Exeter around lunchtime, and we headed straight to the hospital. As we walked into Mum’s room, she just went ‘What on earth are you doing here?’ to Dan, to which he replied very casually, ‘well I just thought I’d pop over and see you’. Mum was of course, absolutely delighted. Over the next few days we fell into the routine of going down for the afternoon, reminiscing about everything with mum. Dan and his family had recently been on holiday, so mum loved seeing the photos. And me, well I had Harold.

During the first lockdown in 2020 I discovered I had a hedgehog living in my garden and mum thought it was the best thing ever and loved getting updates about him. 2021 there was no sign of him, and I remember mum sadly saying he must have moved on. Fast forward to 2022, on the Sunday evening once we were back from the hospital I was picking in washing from the garden (how the Jesus did I have the capacity to not only put a wash on but hang it out??) when I heard a load of rustling. And there was Harold!!!! I managed to get a quick video, excited about showing mum the next day but also started crying at the sad serendipity of it all. I walked back in to my flat still sobbing with Dan going ‘what are you crying about now?’. The next day mum loved the video, and it was great she could see him one more time. I appreciate it may not have been the exact same hedgehog from 2020 but where’s your sentimentality?

Those first few days Dan was there gave mum a massive lift. She was on top form, and at one point I pondered out loud to Dan that maybe I should have waited. Was I wrong to get him to rush over so quickly? We agreed that of course it was the right thing to do. But at the time you question everything.

One of the other things that mum enjoyed was seeing Dan & I together, and our various bickering (my car was too hot/my flat too cold/he’s too loud). I am very grateful that he’s a such a decent brother (although writing that risks me never hearing the end of that compliment). There’s no way I could have gone through any of that on my own. Dan loves Wine Gums, but they don’t sell them in the US, so I’d bought a load for the car journeys. On hearing this mum was quite put out that we didn’t bring the Wine Gums in with us. I said I could go and get them but then it transpired that what mum really wanted was Jelly Babies. Dan and I were incredulous, we’d never known mum to like Jelly Babies but of course we would buy her as many as she wanted. Those last few days that was the only things she ate. After she passed away, we were talking to our dad about it, and he said that when they’d first got together, she loved Jelly Babies. Well, there you go.

One of the harder things to get our heads around was that mum had made some passing comments about maybe being able to die at home. Mum had always been really clear about what would happen after she died but there was never a discussion about how she wanted to die (other than ‘if I’m plugged in to all kinds of machines just turn me off.’ Yes mum). As mentioned earlier everything deteriorated and happened very fast. Mum went from essentially being ok (with support) to needing to be in hospital and this all happened before we knew she was ‘end of life’. There was some back and forth between Dan & I, mum’s doctor, and mum. The Doctor’s perspective on it was that mum probably wouldn’t survive the ambulance journey home and that there wasn’t enough time to get everything in place that was needed. But that if that’s what mum really wanted, they could see what they could do to make it happen. Dan & I have one last conversation about it all with mum, and she conceded she’d be better off staying put. That was tough, it would be one of the last things mum wanted and it couldn’t happen.

COVID was still causing issues of course. Due to the strict rules initially only close family members were allowed to visit. Mum had some lovely friends who also really wanted to see her, but they understood the situation. Then, by some miracle, on the Monday the rules changed – anyone could come and see mum as long as it was only 2 at a time and they wore full PPE. Thank goodness. That same day, Kate (mentioned earlier) came to see mum. At the same time Dan & I were driving back to Exeter musing that mum had less energy that day.

Tuesday 26th April 2022. 1.30am(ish). My phone rings. It’s the hospital, ‘your mum’s breathing has changed, you should probably get down here’. They say you shouldn’t haven your favourite songs as your ringtone mine was, and still is, ‘Hammer to Fall’ by Queen. It’s very rare now I have my phone on any other setting than silent but when my ringer is on, I still get a jolt of panic thanks to that early morning call.

I woke Dan up, we got changed and headed down to the hospital as quickly as possible. All the while not knowing what we may find when we get there. It was about 3am when we arrived, on the way down Dan had rung Pete (mum’s husband). He didn’t answer so we texted his son Steve who lived nearby. Pete didn’t want to come to the hospital, but Steve would meet us there.

Mum was still alive when we got there as we quietly put on all the PPE for the millionth time and made our way through the semi-dark eerily quiet hospital. And for the next few hours Dan & I said a whole host of things to mum (who was asleep, unconscious?). Mainly how she didn’t have to worry about us anymore, she could go, and we loved her very much. This was interspersed with Dan & Steve having the most random conversations ever. It was all very surreal.

As the sun came up Steve had to leave to go to work and Dan and I passed out for a bit. He has a picture of me asleep curled up on two chairs in full PPE. Then the support staff kindly bought me coffee and toast and we sat there still talking to mum.

Then all of a sudden, she woke up. ‘What are you doing here?’ I explained the overnight staff were worried about her breathing, so we thought we’d pop down. Steve was here too, did you hear us chatting? No? Probably for the best as him and Dan were talking about all sorts at a bizarre time of the day.

Other friends and family wanted to come and see mum that day, so on checking mum was ok with it as well as the hospital staff, I liaised with them about coming down. Pete's daughter & son-in-law and mum's friend Delma. It was one of those bizarre scenarios where it was great to see them but terrible in such sad circumstances. Mum was delighted to see them all and have a chat.

During the afternoon Dan & I agreed we wouldn’t go anywhere now just in case. So that evening we took turns to go and get something to eat, whilst the other sat with mum. She and I chatted about random things. Including ‘the lady with the curtain trousers’. When I was about 14 mum & I went to Tesco’s to do the shopping and as we walked in, we clocked a woman wearing the most ridiculous pair of trousers that looked like a pair of curtains. They made us both crack up, and as we made our way around the shop everytime we saw her we’d burst out laughing again. Mum had a good chuckle at that and said something along the lines of ‘always remember the good’. That’s all you can do.

The hospital were fine with us staying the night but they weren’t set up with extra beds for family members etc. so they kindly bought us blankets and pillows to do the best we could. I can only sleep if I’m horizontal, so I piled up a load of blankets to sleep on the floor at the end of mum’s bed. Dan tried to get as comfy as possible in the chairs.

In the room next to mum’s was a lady with dementia (I’m assuming) who was very scared and throwing everything around her room and banging her chair up and down. The nurses were doing their best to calm her down but in the midst of all of that mum asked what was going on and Dan & I explained what was happening but that she was safe. That may have been the last thing mum ever said, once again worrying about everyone else before herself.

Non-surprisingly, sleeping on a hospital floor was not particularly brilliant. Especially as every couple of hours they had to do checks on mum, and we weren’t allowed to be in the room when those happened so had to get up and sit in the day room. At around 4am Dan & I agreed that if we did this every night, we’d be no use to anyone so first thing in the morning we’d try and find somewhere really close to the hospital to stay so we could get a bit of rest. Bearing in mind by this point that other than a few short bursts of sleep we’d been awake for more than 24 hours. A well intentioned night-time porter started listing off all the places we could stay whilst I was awkwardly thanking him but also making it clear (by slowly lying down on my hospital floor blanket bed) that I’d quite like to just go back to sleep now.

7am Wednesday 27th April 2022. As the hospital sprung back into life, I said I’d drive back to Exeter as fast as I could to grab stuff Dan & I would need to stay somewhere for a few days (bearing in mind we had barely bought anything with us when we left the day before), medication for both of us being the most important thing. My theory being the sooner I left the sooner I’d be back. I was about 20 miles from Exeter when Dan rang. ‘You need to get back here now, the Doctors reckon she’ll pass this morning’. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. What a stupid thing, why did I leave?? I came off at the next junction and headed south again as quickly as I could. Although I know for sure I broke some speed limits that morning. I got back to the hospital at about 9am ran from my car to the ward where mum was and started grappling at the roll of plastic aprons to put on. Fucking PPE. Bloody COVID. The nurses seeing the state I was in just said ‘don’t worry just go to your mum’. Whilst I’d been gone, they’d moved mum to a different room and put a picture of a butterfly outside the door so everyone was aware of the situation. I ran in. Mum was still alive but by this point I couldn’t breathe at all so Dan had to calm me down, so I didn’t hyperventilate. The sheer mixture or panic and relief was extraordinary but I was glad I made it back before anything happened.

We then sat and just talked to mum again. She was unconscious but we rattled through a whole load of topics, ranging from the view from her new room and the trees we could see to the fact that I was annoyed that Dan managed to get a sausage & bacon bap but by the time I went to buy some breakfast they’d run out of sausages. Some point late morning I decided to play her her birthday video again so she could hear all those messages of love one last time.

I’d never seen someone die before. It is truly horrible to watch someone you love be in so much pain, wanting it to be over for them but also not wanting them to go. This was nothing like what you see on the TV or in movies. No machines, just mum in bed occasionally being checked in on by nurses making sure she was getting enough pain medication. Oh, and lovely porters coming in and asking if we wanted a hot drink….and biscuits! Apparently, biscuits are cracked out in the final hours, although they were rich teas. Not that I’m ungrateful but when your mum is dying that does seem more like a hobnob or milk chocolate digestive occasion. Months later when the Queen died my brother texted ‘Do you reckon they got nice biscuits?’.

The death rattle is the worse though. These massive excruciating sounding deep breaths that suddenly stop and you wonder, is this it?? And this they start all over again.

Around 1pm suddenly they did stop. And didn’t seem to start again. I said to Dan that I thought this might be it and went to get the nurse. She came in and told us to say all of our favourite things about mum which we did whilst I held one of her hands (the other still being in a sling from the broken arm). And then the nurse said, ‘ok, she’s gone. I always ask family to say their favourite things at the very end as the hearing is the last thing to go so it makes sure the last things they hear are good things’. Throughout all of this it was so incredibly quiet, it was almost as if everyone on the ward knew it was the end. Even the lady with dementia was quiet, no shouting or throwing things around.

And that was it. Mum was gone. At just 70 years old. But at least she wasn’t in pain anymore. The nurse said we could stay with her as long as we wanted and there was no rush for us to leave.

We sat for a while, still talking to mum just in case but then agreed that we’d go and make all the various phone calls whilst the hospital staff did what they needed to do with mum.

Again, making those various phone calls was horrible but at least people were expecting them. But that probably doesn’t make things any easier. I was sat on a bench in the hospital garden when this little brown bird just came and hopped around by my feet for a bit. I’m not religious at all, but mum always loved birds so the hysterically tired and emotional part of me did wonder if that might be mum’s spirit saying goodbye before she flew off forever.

Back inside we said our final goodbyes to mum and then tackled the first part of admin that has to be dealt with when someone dies. The receptionist was explaining to us about the process & paperwork associated with getting mum from the hospital to the undertakers. All the while the lady with dementia was back, and in full swing. She’d gotten hold of a tea towel and was stood behind the receptionist flicking it at us whilst shouting ‘GET OUT GET OUT’. Don’t worry love, we’ll be on our way soon.

Dan & I then drove back to Exeter trying to get our head around the most horrific 48 hours. That evening we toasted mum with prosecco and strapped ourselves into the inevitable emotional rollercoaster that would have no end.

If you’ve made it as far as here, well done. I appreciate it was a lot to take in. My intention was to tell the story of mum’s final months and also highlight just exactly what they entailed. When someone dies people focus on the impact that person being dead has on those that loved them. What they might not realise is the lead up to the death is just as traumatising and horrific to deal with than the death itself. Selfishly, I also wanted to write this just so people realised what Dan & I had to go through. Not for anyone to feel sorry for us but just so they understand what a momentous thing it was, and that even though it’s been a whole year we’re still reeling. I know there'll be people out there who had to go through much much worse but that doesn't make our story any less valid. I don’t think you ever get over something like this, you learn to live with the pain and continue on making sure you do everything you can to honour that person’s memory.

Maggie Moyle Amazing mum, wife & 'Gi Gi' (grandmother). 05/04/52 - 27/04/22

Onwards and upwards.

[yourmotherstrashmouth]

Eren, singing with Mikasa playing the guitar and Y/n playing the drum in the background: Can't read my, can't read my

No, he can't read my poker face

She's got me like nobody

Can't read my, can't read my

No, he can't read my poker face

She's got me like nobody

P-p-p-poker face, f-f-fuck her face

mum-mum-mum-mah

Armin: you guys?

Eren, ignoring him: P-p-p-poker face, f-f-fuck her face

mum-mum-mum-mah

Armin: guys!

*music stops playing*

Armin: look, I really think it's time for us to do something. This is all getting way out of hand.

Eren: what do you mean? This song is sweet!

Armin: no, not the song... I'm talking about the japanese killing whales and dolphins.

*music starts playing again*

Eren: I wanna roll with him, a hard pair we will be

I don't give a crap 'bout whales so go and hug a tree

[rayniscatstatue]

Good Enough

Word count: 814

Character relationships: Linh Song and Mai Song (hatred), Linh Song and Quan Song (hatred), Mai Song and Quan Song (romantic)

Summary: Linh goes back to Choralmere during Legacy because Tam told her too. She faces her parents and her old room by her self for the first time in 5 years.

————————————————————————

Tears staining my cheeks as I walk up to the door with my happy shadow thoughts duffel bag slung over my shoulder. The scars I have been leaving on my wrists covered with Sophie's charm brackets that she let me borrow.

I'm terrified but this is what has to happen. Tam wants me to go back then I will. For him.

If Tam says it's what needs to be done. Then get it done. I'm not letting my brother down. Especially not my twin brother that choose to go to Exillium with me. Only when we were 11, turning 12.

I bring my fist up and knock.

My finger nails digging into my palm as I drop my hand by my side. Waiting for my parents to open the door.

To make me think that they love me. To make them think that they were guilty for letting me get banished.

Be proud of me.

"Coming!" I hear my mum's voice shout through the house. The waves crashing in the background.

I tap my foot on the marble stairs as I wait. My finger nails piercing into my palms. I can feel the blood between them.

"Good to see you too." I wave with my other hand right as my mum opens the door.

Or should I say, Mai.

"Linh!" She wraps her arms around me. My body tensing at the motion.

"Trust has to be earned." I push her back as I push through the doorway into the house.

"Are you coming back!?" Mai asks me as I bend down to untie my combat boots from training.

"Yeah, not for the reasons you think though." I let my duffel bag drop to the ground as the blood drips into her perfectly white flooring.

"And where is your brother?" I can just hear the smile on her face.

"Held hostage." I deadpan, wiping my hand on the floor, smearing the blood.

"What-?" I take off one shoe, moving to the next.

"The Neverseen. They want him for his Shade powers. That's how good he is now because of his training with Lady Zillah." I smile, a false smile at her. "I mean we wouldn't of survived without him."

"What if with this attitude?" Mai gasps. I can hear my father's footsteps round the corner.

Or should I say Quan's footsteps.

"I don't know? Maybe Marella is rubbing off on me." I take off my other shoe and stand up.

"Linh, is that you?" Quan asks.

"Sup." I put my blooded hand out to shake his.

"Is that blood on your hand?" He acts concerned. He really isn't through.

"Yeah, what else? Paint." I look back at my bright pink and sparkly shadow thoughts bag. I don't know how they haven't already confiscated it.

"And where is your brother, Tam?" He straightens out his clothes.

"Like I already said to Mai. Held hostage by the Neverseen because they want to use him for his ability." I shrug, stopping the tears in my eyes from spilling.

“He can’t be that good?” Quan seems shocked.

“He can control Shadowflux.” I pick my duffel bag off from the ground.

“What is that hideous thing?” Mai asks.

“My bag, based off an inside joke.” I shrug as storm clouds start to appear above my parents.

“And didn’t you save Atlantis?” Quan asks.

“Your father and I are so proud.” Mai puts a hand on my shoulder.

“Just leave me alone.” I turn my heel making my way to the stairs towards my old room.

“We want to talk to you after diner though!” Mai shouts as I ignore her.

Well me and Tam’s old room. I walk down the hallway. Paintings of what they wanted us to be like covering it.

I make my way to the door, grasping the handle for the first time in around 5 years.

I push the door open to see the room looking exactly the same as I removed leaving it. Silver staining the carpet from where Tam and I dyed our hair in front of our parnets. Tam’s bed unmade with his books scattered across it. Our bookshelf standing tall that Tam used all the time. My bed a mess with a dry paint palette on it.

I reach down and touch the dry paint as I drop ky bag to the floor.

The window shutters still slightly opened. I trail my hand across the shelf, dust collecting on it.

They must of never walked in here since we left. Since we got banished for what we thought was life.

If only I could go back and tell my past self sitting on this bed sobbing her eyes out that it will be okay. My sketch book being my last Hope back then.

“Nice to see this place again.” I sit down on my bed, tucking knees in. “Well not very nice.”

[riverstardis]

fall on me:

holby had an episode on the aftermath of the crash right?

dylan’s complaining about the noise from the building work saying his eardrums are about to explode😭

ethan’s patient immediately asking him if he’s single bc he has no wedding ring on and going “well it’s just that she says there are no handsome single doctors around here, and that’s why she still hasn’t met anybody, but i think she’s just making an excuse” and ethan’s like “sorry who are we talking about?” as alicia notices the board in the background and comes over, revealing that the patient is her mum😭 though alicia’s only been back working there for a week at most and her mum’s already expecting her to be in a relationship??

alicia’s dad calling her scoobie and ethan’s like “scoobie?” and she’s like “don’t ask”🥺

alicia’s parents the og scibbles shippers

alicia and her dad talking “i’m sorry if we embarrassed you in front of your colleague, scoobie” “yeah yeah” “he does seem like a nice lad. ethan” “mm” “ohh the heart is aflutter! so why you dancing round each other?” “i dunno. he’s smart” “hey, no one’s too smart for you” “no i know i- it’s not that, i dunno” “well do something about it then” “right but don’t tell mam okay cause she’ll be booking wedding venues before i can blink” 🥺🥺🥺

elle telling the team she’s organised a peri-arrest simulation in the ambulance station after their shift and they are not happy😭

aw louise

lmaoo alicia’s mum going “just ask him out! you can’t be scared, darling!” and then ethan comes in with her results and she’s like “what do you think of my little girl, dr ethan hardy? she’s a cracker isn’t she!” and alicia’s like “just ignore her ethan”😭😭😭 then ethan has to tell her that her urine test results suggest gonorrhoea😭😭

alicia already thought her mum had had an affair so that just confirmed it for her and she gets angry :(

ethan finding alicia on the roof looking at the building work at the entrance and she smiles at him then asks “if you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?” and he goes “ooh… falmouth” sjkfkfjggk

and she’s like “of all the places??” “i don’t really like flying” “alaska” “yes, the aurora borealis. although you wouldn’t need to go that far. iceland? norway? scotland!”

“since we nearly… yknow like how close we came to… in the crash it’s made me think of all the places i haven’t been. hey we could go!” “alaska sounds a bit cold for me. my lips get chapped.” sjdkfkgk he’s so😭 “falmouth. one day. little road trip.” “yeah, i’d like that. on one condition though, you have to tell me why your dad calls you scoobie.” “no chance” “oh come on! quid pro quo, i told you about nibbles.” “well more fool you” I LOVEEE THEMMM🥺🥺🥺🥺 i feel like they probably never got to go on their little road trip to falmouth though :(

they both laugh and then stop to just stare at each other in silence for like a good 10 seconds at least and then ethan breaks it to tell her that her mum’s blood tests confirm gonorrhoea😭😭

robyn’s sad because glen only has 2 years :(

alicia going and having a go at her dad for letting her mum walk all over him and taking her back after cheating but he reveals that it was him who cheated

alicia asks her mum why she let him back when she knew and she says “do you wanna be alone?” and alicia goes “well it’s better than relying on a man to make you happy” so true!!

her mum says she lied for him because alicia worshipped him and she didn’t want her to be heartbroken as well. and she says maybe alicia’s better off the way she is, single, successful, and happy

jez and max are complaining about their cleaning rota and cal’s like “have you boys never heard of cleaners?” and jez says they’re barely making the rent right now and ethan’s asks why don’t they rent out their box room and max goes “who’d want to live in that?” but alicia was complaining about still living with her parents to ethan earlier so he knows just the person!

aww ethan meets alicia in the pub before the training thing but she’s doing tequila shots and already pretty drunk and she talks about how her mum’s basically given up on life because of a man but that won’t be her she’s just going to have fun. she says he should have fun as well because they both nearly died. he tells her he negotiated a good rent with jez and max and gives her the keys and she’s like “awwww that’s so nice” and then some random man comes up and she leaves with him😭

he just says jez and max but did robyn not live there too?? she must be spending a lot of time at glen’s, but she can’t have actually moved out or they could’ve rented out her room rather than the box room?

so basically if alicia’s dad wasn’t cheating on her mum, or just if alicia hadn’t found out at this point in time, it wouldn’t have taken nearly as long for her and ethan to get together😭😭

cal comes in while alicia’s going out and he’s like “she’s a player? trust me mate you’ve dodged a bullet with that one” so again, cal thinks that either alicia likes ethan back or she’s a player, but doesn’t expect to be cheated on? tbf he does get distrustful of her, but that’s only after he’s found the cuff link

cal tries to cheer ethan up in his own special way “right come on, how about we get this training thing out the way and then we’ll go and get you a curry, okay? and the fast and the furious box set” “i hate the fast and the furious” “i know, come on” bless😭😭

why are iain and jez walking over to the ambulance station with the rest of them for the training thing, surely they should be there already?? wait actually nvm jez was talking to max wasn’t he, so i guess iain must have been over there with him

elle reveals the training thing is actually basketball🥺 dylan goes “there’s about a million things i’d rather do than this, and one of them would’ve been a peri-arrest simulation exercise” SKDKKSDKK

it’s doctors vs nurses but isn’t that a bit unfair?? dylan’s just standing there not playing and ethan’s still limping from his dislocated knee so that leaves basically just cal and elle (with a small contribution from ethan) vs ALL the nurses plus noel, max, and jez

also isn’t is a bit odd that noel and max were even there in the first place?? were they expecting to participate in the training?? iain and jez too tbh bc they’re not even part of the emergency department?? maybe elle just told them to come anyway

[forensicated]

04x34 - Paper Chase

Claire is on school crossing duty outside of a primary school. A woman comes running up to her to tell her that her daughter, Joella has been taken. Joella's friend, Paula, tells Claire that she and Joella were approached by a lady who said she was a friend of her mums and that she'd been sent to collect her. Claire calls it into the station

Christine and Frank arrive and speak to the headteacher and Paula with her mother in attendance. Christine is adorable with Paula. "Are you a real detective?" "Not really." "Not like on the telly?" "...Sometimes." she chuckles. She asks Paula what happened and she starts to explain that they were playing. Joella's mother, Mrs Hortman interrupts and shouts at Frank to send out squad cars and helicopters to look for her daughter because talking is nothing. Paula continues to explain that a lady came up to her and Joella and told her that she'd been sent by her mummy to collect her from school because mummy had been held up shopping. Mrs Hortman explains Joella has been collected by a neighbour before but it's not any of them. Joella's father, Mr Hortman, isn't at the office yet so Christine heads over to try to find him to speak to him. The headteacher tells Frank that Joella is a very sensible and mature child, but her mother is not punctual and she is often collected by neighbours and friends.

Frank rings Mike and asks him to do some background searches and to let Derek know about the missing child. Derek has Tosh in his office and is rollicking him for sloppy work according to Frank. Tosh claims he doesn't agree with what Frank had said but Mike has to interrupt because of how important the case is. Derek places Tosh with Dashers and warns him to keep it low-key so the press doesn't get wind.

Frank asks Mrs Hortman if she recognises the description of the woman who took Joella. Mrs Hortman can't answer and just shouts at him. "Don't ask me, do something. Find my daughter!" It'd help if she could answer a straight question and give him something to work with rather than yell at him to find her without any information (!)

Mr Hortman's secretary tells Christine that he isn't in but mentions that he was acting strangely before he left. He took a phone call that was apparently 'family business' and then ignored her and walked out. She says he took a briefcase with him as though he were going to a meeting but there's nothing in the diary. As Christine leaves the office, she spots Hortman returning with a briefcase so follows him inside in time to hear him ask his secretary if she'd told the police where she was. Mr Hortman tells Christine that he was told Joella would be killed if the police were involved. He's been asked for a ransom of half a million pounds and the chairman in Detroit has agreed for the company to put the money up to get her back safely. Christine asks for the details of the drop off and Hortman is evasive, saying he doesn't know until he gets another phone call. He says all he knows is that he will be given the location and time when he's called again and that, if there's no funny business, Joella will be returned unharmed within the hour. Christine tells him that paying a ransom is a criminal offense.

Mike finds that Mr Hortman has a previous conviction for dangerous driving but there's nothing on Mrs Hortman. Mike arranges for specialist tracking equipment to be delivered to Frank at the father's office. Derek tells them that the fewer people who know about the case the better and he wants the car park to be kept clear with no obvious activity seen so that no one can work out there's an operation in progress.

Mr Hortman reassures his wife that it'll all be OK. Christine suggests that they tap the phones but there isn't time and besides, all calls come through the switchboard. A briefcase with a tracker is delivered and Frank is told that the official tracker team will be waiting around the corner for them to join him. Frank calls him back and asks for a pen with a tracker in it. In the office, Frank starts to swap the money into the police briefcase and Hortman insists they use his briefcase because if anything happens to Joella through police interference he will come back for Frank. Frank acknowledges him but secretly slips the pen inside a pocket on Hortman's briefcase before putting the money back. Hortman receives a call from the abductor who tells him the location once he clarifies he has the cash. He asks if Joella is safe and the person hangs up without answering. The instructions are to take his car and head to a phone box on Venice Road within the next 5 minutes. If the police are involved then Joella will be killed.

Mike watches as Hortman stops outside the phone box and reports back to Christine and Frank. They are sat in the van monitoring the tracker. Christine reminds all units that they would rather lose Mr Hortman than have the kidnapper suss them out and harm come to Joella. Derek responds that he does have men on standby at the station should they be needed but he'd rather keep it to a minimum for obvious reasons. Obvious reasons:

Mrs Hortman returns home with Claire to look after her. Mike gets bored waiting for the phonebox to ring but, eventually, a phone does ring... only it's not the phone box. It's Hortman's car phone. "You crafty....!!!" Mike calls in what's happening and loses Hortman as he speeds off because a bus pulls out before he can follow. Thankfully the tracker is still working and Tosh picks him up. Mike soon gets back in the game and reports that Hortman appears to be getting fresh instructions via his car phone as he drives. He appears to be heading into Victoria Park.

Robin comes up to see Derek and tells him there's been a call from the local press and they're reporting a possible child abduction. Derek tries to bluff it out as the radio keeps giving obvious updates beside him(!) "Tell them we have no knowledge of such a crime."

Mike watches as Hortman parks and walks into the park with the suitcase which he then leaves beside a bench. Frank reminds Mike not to approach. Hortman gets back in his car and drives off.

Claire and Mrs Hortman sit in their garden and drink tea. Claire comforts her but Mrs Hortman tells her she didn't want to move to London in the first place, she wanted to remain in Sussex where all their friends were but they had to follow her husband when he was promoted.

Frank rings Hortman in his car and asks him what is happening. Hortman responds that he was contacted by a woman who is going to ring back. He keeps repeating that he doesn't want him involved and to get off the line before he hangs up. Tosh is opposite the car, fiddling with his car's engine as a cover.

Claire asks if Mrs Hortman suspects anyone and she says no. She tells her they've been married 10 years next Tuesday.

In the surveillance van, Frank is getting twitchy and seems to have something on his mind. Something is starting to smell about this case.

Mike watches as a dog pees against the briefcase. A little later, two old ladies see it and start to fuss, looking around them to see who could have left it. Mike has to ring it in but the old ladies walk off.

Tosh follows Hortman as he receives another call and moves on, he drives back towards the park and collects the briefcase before driving off. Tosh and Mike swap and change so he doesn't get wise. He heads to a derelict house. Frank asks Tosh to check out the back of the block.

As Claire and Mrs Hortman chat, Claire spots a child enter the back garden. Joella is home! Claire runs out and there's no one to see that could have dropped her off as Mrs Hortman hugs Joella,

Mike watches as Hortman leaves the derelict property without the briefcase. Claire rings in that Joella is home safe and unharmed so Frank takes the decision to storm the house. The case is there but is empty. "We've been stuffed!" Frank growls, radioing Derek to tell him something is iffy. They drive to the Hortman's where Frank and Christine talk to the little girl. Joella tells them she's never met the lady who collected her before. Her parents cut in and stop them talking to her claiming that she's stressed out enough and that the police should leave.

Outside, Mike and Tosh are chatting as a furious Frank and Christine return. The surveillance van turns up, however, about to make their day. He's followed the tracker from the briefcase. It just so happens that the reading leads them to the boot of Hortman's car where the original briefcase is found still containing the cash.

Thank god for Tumblr's auto-save because adding the Mike gif finished off my computer for some reason and I had to force a restart.

This is a slightly weird episode as it doesn't explain why Hortman conned his company out of half a million pounds. There are no money problems shown, Mrs Hortman is constantly shopping and late for pick up of Joella. The husband doesn't complain of her spending, and there are no signs of red bills or dodgy money lenders.

It's never explained who the female was that asked to be put through to Hortman on a family matter. Surely the secretary would recognise his wife's voice so it's unlikely to be her?

Who does he keep speaking to on the phone? He doesn't know he's being followed so he's not faking the calls for cover.

It's never explained who the woman who picks Joella up is either. It doesn't seem likely to be the secretary as she told Christine about him acting odd, going off as though he had a meeting, and didn't tell Christine where he was because she didn't know. Is he having an affair? Could it be the other woman? Joella didn't recognise her so it can't be a relative surely and it's possible she'd recognise the secretary too.

They find out early on that he has previous for dangerous driving but it's not built upon so it couldn't be him being blackmailed by the victim/victim's family of anyone he killed or injured.

Mrs Hortman can't be ticked off as being innocent either as she was so irritating that it's unclear if she was so dismissive of the questions Frank was asking at the school because she was feeling guilty and knew where Joella was and was worried they'd be caught out or if she was genuinely upset that her daughter had been taken. I didn't buy that she was a genuinely upset mother, more a stuck-up middle-class woman used to getting her own way and not being questioned.

It feels like a big chunk was cut out almost as there's just too much up in the air.

As an aside, how does Claire look younger at 22 when out of uniform than Beth Green did at 19? I swear Claire could have been Beth's mum if they'd linked the two. They look and sound so much alike!