#ill do good blog posts soon im just so tired!!!

[unovabattleresearcher]

Huh, so it is as easy as people claim to accidentally reblog things to the wrong blog!

Please ignore any post you may see on here that may infact look like "conspiracy to commit grand larceny" and "evidence of breaking and entering" and "sabotaging the locks of a respected Castelian eatery." I assure you that these are all jests.

[yamikawas]

im sleepy i wish yoomtah was here..........holding me...................

[sad-leon]

Hello! I hope you're having a good day!

So many people in my life seem to be going through something right now, and I just wanted to give you an opportunity to share anything you might be going through. Good or bad, as specific or as vague as you're comfortable with. Or feel free to ignore if you'd rather not. No pressure at all!

I hope things are going well for you! But if not, I'll be sending prayers your way if you're comfortable with that!

I am... not.

and i haven't for a long time

I'll preface this entire post with a warning: THIS IS A VENT POST the only tags will be trigger warnings

I thinks i've said it once or twice, but I started school this year. This is my first year in college after taking a gap year and also telling everyon i wasnt gonna go. I know jack shit about what im doing and its fucking exhausting. Theres so many things that i feel like I should know but dont because all the college information given out in my highschool was geared toward the college in that town specifically, which is not the college im going to.

I've also moved. im entirely on my own, physically and financially. I just met with my job and am starting very soon which is not good because my sleep schedule is all wrong. I may be switching jobs soon, but i can't just quit becuase, like i said, im on my own.

and those are only the big two. lets speedrun this. my anxiety, my autism, i need new glasses, my feet hurt more than i think they should, im a system, my eating disorder, my aversions that make it hard to drink the water up here, the burnout, the exhaustion, executive dysfunction, i also likely have adhd which mean rsd. im touch starved and touch adverse

those are just what i can think of off the top of my head

but all of this had been leading to what might be a pretty nasty breakdown and soon.

im so fucking tired all the time and that makes it hard to draw, but thats one of my only ways to relax. i like playing mc, but i get bored easily and also i cant sit at my desk for long becuase it feels like my head is too heavy for my neck. it hurts. everything hurts and my job doesnt help me at fucking all.

i was able to draw tsob while dealing with most of my issues becuase all i had to worry about was work. looking at my current schedule, i can find the free time. the issue is using that freetime to draw and not just sleep or dissociate. finding home is very dear to me, but drawing it the way i am can be exhausting and i dont want to start hating it, so i just.. dont draw it most days

i stress constantly about how i appear on my blog becuase i want so badly to do this right. i want to be good at something, like, as a person, not just as an artist. but i hate myself too much to believe in any progress i make.

i know its the rsd mostly but i see groups and i feel gross. its not as bed now (any of you beans that have made it this far, ily /p) becuase i found a community i can actually interact with, but it still comes up, especially because i've moved away from all my irl friends and its so fucking hard for me to make them in the first place. like.. actual friends, not just people i can work with at school

if i keep going i'll probably talk myself in circles, so ill stop it here. theres a lot more but im not going to ramble about my suicidal, intrusive, or sh thoughts on this blog. this is a post to inform you guys of the state of mind im in. im lonely and sad and its all building up to a massive breakdown.

im not going to be leaving tumblr or giving up on my comic, but i probalby wont update as often as i did tsob. i just dont have the energy.

i also will probably post some of my traditional art cuz i gotta fill up a sketchbook for my animation class, so that also takes away from the time i use to draw digitally.

im so tired

[citrusluvr]

07.06.2024

wow. its been a while huh.

well ive started my a level exams. im also almost done with them i guess? i have three papers left across two days so thats something at least. i think ive done really well in psychology to be honest!! sociology has been going okay, im a bit worried about paper three though. it felt like we simultaneously rushed through and took too long on the crime and deviance topic. i have to be isolated during the day next week since two of my exams clash and i have to take one early. at least ill be done with sociology then! i have two maths papers left - i already know statistics and mechanics isnt going to go great so hopefully paper two goes well! i think paper one went okayish.

ive started collecting ceramics from charity shops which i love! ill try and put some photos up at some point. i want to get a cd player soon. i love cds! when i get a job after i go travelling i want to get a pc as well hopefully. ive never had a pc! i want to burn some cds but my laptop doesnt have a cd port.

speaking of travelling, i go really soon!! its only two and a half weeks away!!! im so excited!!!! i still need to pay some mandatory fees, but ive booked all my hostels and eurostar tickets, and got my interrail pass as well. i need to practice packing my backpack this weekend! hopefully everything fits.. i need to fix my camera as well! time to go find a tiny screwdriver.

i havent really been doing much else. ive gone out a few times with my friends which is nice! i have a nice small group of friends from college, and we all go to spoons every now and then which is fun :) im going to miss when they go off to uni :(

everything is a bit hectic at the moment with the upcoming genny lec (general election for non brits). everyone keeps talking about taccy vs (tactical voting) but i feel like people should just vote for who they want right? i like one of the minor parties more, and even though they are unlikely to win i still want to show that i support them and their policies. i get why people are saying to vote tactically but there is no doubt in my opinion that there will be a change in government. im tired of all the minor parties being ignored though. there was a tv debate the other day that literally only included the leaders of the two major parties.. which then led to the integrity of politics being questioned altogether. the first past the post system just doesnt work in this country anymore (not sure that it ever worked anyway).

i should do this more often. ive been writing and deleting for a while, since some of the stuff felt a bit too personal to post online publicly. it still felt good to get it out though! helps me reflect a bit. i like speaking out into the void. its not like anyone reads this anyway :)

by the time i make another blog post it will probably be after the election. see u on the other side!

-🍋

[s-fellows-art]

Im alive and I fished my uni degree. Tired but will be back soon. TvT

I hope you all are doing well. Ive been up to a lot lately.... (⬇️)

I now have a major in classical studies (classics degree without 4 langue requirment so modofied history degree) and a minor in buisness (was supose to be a marketing specification but they decided to no longer cont one of the classes i took for it and im not giving them more money. So my bachlour of arts is all done woo.

after this week ill be posting stuff for the asks i got cause I finally have time to work again.Though not sure how much art ill be posying till i can figure out how the heck glaze works. Been really upset about the AI stuff to the point i dont really wanna draw atm honestly. Gonna be removing some of my old anrt and glazing and editing old post to the glazed ver once i fogure it out.

i do plan on starting drawing/writing/crafting again just may not be on this blog as often. Keeps popping up when i do job stuff and I kinda want to start doing the V tuber related kinds stuff as simply a hobby so im thinking of hitting the reset button semi woth regards to my less fan baced content here (will edit woth link when set up) and only post the rare fan art thing or update thing here once in a while. Either way ill still be using this blog. Not sure what im gonna do yet honestly. But i got ideas now and a bit of motovation back.

Been really burnt out and my Fms (Fybro) and allergies/OAS have been really bad for the past while so my health isnt great atm and i lost my family doctor for the 4th time now (this province sucks) and a lot of acdemic related issues due to shitty uni running around woth there regestars office and departments not communicating with each other but im done finally. Now looking for a good frame to hang my degree ^-^. Im exsausted.

Anyway ill get to my ask box soon and look forward to uploading in the future. Just thought id prove im still kickin.

[phantom-ellie]

The Art of (Smashing) Crockery Chapter 26: Radio Silence

Click here for CWs/Full Chapter List

It’s one in the afternoon when Ed finally trudges back to his apartment with a giant headache and feeling no better than he had before. He knew it would be a bad idea to see Jack. How long had this bender been? Ed shrugs to himself. Who would even care?

He heads straight to his room and plugs his phone into the charger before depositing himself on the bed. He stares at the ceiling, feeling sorry for himself. Hoping that maybe with the couple days of distance, he and Stede can… start over? Ed doesn’t know if he wants that. He doesn’t know if he can just be Stede’s friend.

He doesn’t know if he can be who Stede needs him to be right now.

His phone starts buzzing like crazy, and Ed squints and picks it up as it begins to charge. He’s hit with a flood of notifications. Texts, missed calls from the whole crew, Izzy, numbers he doesn’t even recognize.

He sits up and isn’t even sure where to begin. Text after text begging him to pick up his phone. Did they think Ed was in trouble? It was nice to be cared about.

Out of habit, he opens his favorite blog, wondering what Stede has been up to.

That is the last peaceful thought he has for a long time.

The blog post. The group chat notifications. The texts from Izzy. And of course, from Stede.

Stede: ok, i understand Stede: i wont bother you anymore, ed Stede: dont feel bad, nothing was your fault

Holy fucking shit.

He doesn’t even think to do anything else, dialing Stede’s number on repeat, getting frustrated with each failure to pick up. He can’t call anyone else, what if Stede calls him back? With furious tears he shoots off a desperate message.

Ed: Stede mate pick up the phonr

There’s a pause of a good two minutes as Ed dials and redials and dials and redials. Then…

Stede: i don't feel like talking

Thank fuck.

Ed: im sorry for everything, tell me where you are and ill come get you

Stede: i cant Stede: it's too far

Ed: too far from ehat

Stede: i don't want people to see me Stede: i don't want to hear i told you so anymore Stede: tell them to stop flooding my phone Stede: please

Ed: pcik up the phone Ed: talk to me

Stede: if I tell you where i am will you tell everypne

Ed: ill come get you

Stede: i don't want mary and the kids to be scared

Ed: why do you think they'd be scared

Stede: can you come alone

Should Ed go alone? Should he bring someone, an ambulance, he’s not trained for this, he doesn’t know how to…

Ed: yes Ed: anything man

Stede: ok Stede: im at pigeon point

Ed: the lighthouse?

Stede: yes

Ed: im coming there now, will you call me and stay on the phone so I can hear that you're safe?

Stede: I cant

Ed: will you wait for me to get down there?

Stede: i think Stede: 2 hours Stede: cant wait anymore

Ed: dont fuckjnf move

Ed shoots off a quick text to Lucius telling him that he’ll have more information soon, and books it for his bike. He doesn’t have time to call anyone else. They’ll have to find out about it later.

He tears off from his parking spot, grateful that he can weave in and out of traffic on his bike. Pigeon point is an hour’s drive from his location.

Fifty minutes later, Ed pulls up to the parking lot outside of the lighthouse, spotting Stede’s car as he turns into the parking lot. It looks empty, dark. Ed parks his bike and runs towards it, hoping to search for a sign of where Stede might have gone. Luckily, he doesn’t have to.

Stede is in the driver’s seat, bent over, forehead pressed against the steering wheel. For a moment Ed thinks that he’s passed out, or… worse… but when he approaches the window Stede turns his head to glance at him before reaching over to unlock the passenger-side door. Ed walks around the car and slips inside.

“Stede… oh my god, I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up before, I can explain-”

“Don’t.” Stede’s forehead is still against the steering wheel. He’s looking straight ahead, eyes red, voice shaky. “You don’t have to. I’m too tired to listen.”

“Let me drive you home, okay? You’re going to be fine.”

Stede slowly shakes his head. “Fuck, I’m so messed up, Ed.” He puts his head in his hands. Ed places a hand on Stede’s back, moving it back and forth, and Stede shudders at the touch.

“You aren’t messed up, Stede. Your life is messed up. That isn’t you.”

“You don’t… you don’t know. It’s nice of you to want to see the best in me. You’re the only one who does, I think. But it doesn’t matter. It’s all fallen apart and I can’t fix it.” Stede is crying now.

“Just talk to me, okay? Get it out. I’ll listen.”

“It’s just… why?” Stede wipes tears from his eyes, which look like they’re made of glass. “Why did I have to go and prove them all right? Do you know how hard I’ve tried? I did everything right. I gave up everything that made me happy to prove them wrong. And I still couldn’t.”

“Wrong about what?”

“I can’t…” He swallows and shakes his head. “I’m… gay. I’ve always been gay. And everyone knew it but me. Everyone.”

Ed scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I mean… yeah… we kind of did. But it isn’t a bad thing…” His voice trails off as Stede begins to sob harder.

“You don’t understand. It’s something good to you. But to me it’s…” Stede searches for the right word. “It’s failure. It was the one thing I had to prove them all wrong about me. I had pride in defying their expectations because… god… I’ve failed to meet expectations my whole life, Ed. Every time. But I put everything on this. I wasn’t going to fail. But I did.”

“Being gay isn’t a failing, Stede. I’m gay, most of your friends are gay. Do you think they’re failures for that?”

“No, but…” He rocks forward and back a little. “If they’re right about this, if I am who they say I am… they must be right about everything else.”

“You’re wrong. They aren’t.”

“How do you know? How do I know? I don’t know anything about myself. I’m nothing. I’m broken and I’ve always been broken.”

“You aren’t broken because you’re gay, Stede.”

“I’m broken because I’m me.” Stede whispers as he places his forehead back on the steering wheel, gripping the bottom of it so hard his knuckles turn white.

“I don’t think you’re broken.” I love who you are.

“You don’t have to live with me every day. You don’t have to think these thoughts. And I’m happy for you, Ed.” He closes his eyes. “No one should have to feel this way. I’m glad Mary is leaving me. I’ll give her everything. They are going to be so happy without me.”

“Stede…”

“Ed.” Stede sighs and finally looks over. “I'm sorry that I fucked everything up between us.”

“Why are we here, Stede? What are you planning?” Ed moves his hand to Stede’s shoulder and grips it, hard. He knows the answer to his own question, and is confident that he can stop it. But it breaks his heart all the same.

“I was… I was going to drive off the cliff.” Ed nods and looks ahead at the water. “Or drive into the water from the beach. I read… drowning, it feels good. It’s peaceful. It’s the way I’ve always imagined doing it.”

Ed squeezes his shoulder harder. “How often have you imagined… doing it?”

“Oh, you know…” Stede sniffs and waves his hand. “Everyone does from time to time.”

Ed shakes his head. “No, Stede. They don’t. That isn’t normal.”

“Well, I’m not fucking normal, am I? That’s the problem.”

Ed snorts. “I don’t want you to be normal. I love you for who you are. I wish you loved yourself the same way.”

Stede’s eyes well up with tears again and he sobs quietly, placing his hand on the one gripping his shoulder.

Ed pulls him in for a hug, and Stede buries his face in Ed's shoulder and shivers.

"You know now that there's no way I'm gonna let you do this, right? I'm not leaving this car."

“I… I know. ” Stede chokes with a whisper. “I texted you.”

“You did. You texted me and told me where to find you and you waited. That means something."

Stede sighs and holds on to Ed even tighter. “I think… I need a favor.”

“Anything. Anything at all, you name it, long as it involves me driving you out of here.”

“I think this is my last… I don’t have any other options.”

“Tell me what you need, man.”

“I need… help? I can’t stop thinking about it… You make me feel brave enough to… do something better. No one else cares.”

Ed feels tears running down his face. “That isn’t true, that’s your brain lying to you. There are a whole lot of people who care about you.”

“I don't want to get help for them, Ed. I know that’s bad, but I just want you."

“You have me, Stede. Always. You believe that, right?”

Stede pulls away and wipes his eyes. He gives an exhausted smile.

“I think so.” He bites his lower lip and looks out at the ocean. “I think… I think I need to go to a hospital.”

Ed processes this for a second and then nods.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, mate. We’re gonna get you some help, okay?”

“Will you… will you come with me? Your bike…”

“Fuck the bike.” Ed gets out of the car and walks around to open Stede’s door. “Move over, I’m driving you.” He waves his hands in a “move” motion, because there is no way Ed is letting Stede out of the car until they are somewhere safe.

Stede awkwardly lifts his legs one at a time to move over the center console, and Ed slides into the driver’s seat, turning on the car’s child locks pointedly.

“Do you want to… listen to music?” Ed asks as he starts the car.

“No.” Stede shakes his head. “I don’t.” Ed squeezes Stede’s knee and begins to drive in silence. Stede rests his head against the passenger-side window and within minutes is asleep, leaving Ed to drive silently with a mixture of terror at losing the best thing in his life and the relief at saving him, if only for now.

Chapter 27

[swampgallows]

the usual

im mad because im trying to read books again, specifically trying to pick up toxic parents and body keeps the score again so i can try and Help Myself basically now that im back in the limbo of having no therapist. but trying to concentrate on shit and hunker down and learn things when i know it’s good for me i swear it’s like a flashbang goes off in my brain and everything just whites out. ‘concentrate’ isnt even the right word for it because it’s like i cant even begin to get started. it’s like staring into the sun to even begin to think about stuff i guess, it’s all so overwhelming. i want so much about my life to change, so much, so badly, so drastically, but so much of it just doesnt feel feasible that it’s like ive implanted this mental block in my brain to even dream of change because it’s too caustic. 

that ‘autistic masking’ article about the boy who would build and paint his models at night then clean everything up so he left no trace of himself... i think about how much ive whittled myself down and have tried to take up very little space. how i dont play my music on speakers, dont draw anymore, basically only took up writing more because it was something that was between me and a notepad document and didnt take time the same way as drawing, and wasnt possible to immediately consume like a drawing (people grabbing my sketchbook and just flippantly turning the pages, skimming past drawings that took me hours in favor of minute long sketches, glancing at drawings that were supposed to express my deep feelings and having immediate reactions of disgust or ridicule)

i make kandi put it on a chain then put it away. it cant really go anywhere anyway, not like i’ll be attending raves again any time soon. i have no reason or place to wear my ‘fun clothes’ anymore. i wore what i thought was a cute outfit at christmas and even my immediate family had some shit to say about it. i wore a pair of stockings that ive had (and worn) since i was 14  years old. i wore them to my very first raver day at disneyland. and theyre surprised when i wear them now? like they havent seen them before????

even here i was about to say “i tire of myself” and close this window or hit post and stop here, but literally my blog is one of the only places i can actually express myself somewhere and send it out to a place where it’s seen. yeah i can write things down in my journal and ‘express myself’ there so that “personal stuff” isnt online but... i already do that. set up my models and paint them late at night, then put them away before anyone sees in the morning. djing only in my headphones at 4am, pulling them off periodically to make sure they arent too loud even through the headphones. lighting candles but opening the window so there isn’t “too much” scent. 

if im autistic or have adhd or some combination of the two, then my whole family is too and all undiagnosed (save for maybe my dad. i think he’s the closest one of us to being ‘normal’). i took that blorbo quiz and it asked “How would they describe themselves?” 

how would -i- describe myself? i dont know. people tell me im smart and funny. i think it’s because they cant think of anything nicer to say.

Part of me is still chasing the approval of all the world’s English teachers. Getting compliments on my writing makes me feel like my life matters. And I still struggle to ask for love and affection when a real, flesh and blood human is looking me in the face. It’s difficult for me to believe someone might care for me as an equal, and like things about me other than my intellect. I frequently have to remind myself I’m no longer a child, and don’t need approval of the “adults” anymore.

as long as im stuck living with my parents im going to perpetually be the child. it’s also really fucking frustrating knowing how ill prepared i am to live as an adult. even when i had a job i had to quit it so i didnt kill myself. i dont think just getting a job is the answer, though i know it’s a mandatory piece of the puzzle. ugh god

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[cinefairy]

im persisting for a new life. i live in a toxic household w an abusive family, and i don’t really have many friends at the moment. im sorry if you consider that a trauma dump but girl :(. —and i dont feel like acknowledging that im non satisfied rn will affect anything for me personally.

i’m not gonna want to hear “your manifestation is probably not appearing because you’re manifesting from a place of lack/desperation/impatience” from other blogs bc like no shit with these circumstances WHO WOULDNT FEEL THOSE THINGS? that shouldn’t stop anything.

its not the luxury clothing or iphone 12 that im worried about. i know the good life isn’t separate from me but yeah i do *need* a change to that reality ASAP!! like, today. i shifted to my desired reality-like into another house in a different country but it freaked me out so i tapped out. i want shit to appear “naturally”. anyway, ik you have maybe a vagely similar experience/past ??

maybe id like just like some motivation tho eiypo lmao im tryna soothe my human self and ill do other things to help w that too.

i dont want to vainly affirm or use anyyyy more energy to visualize. i dont want to try to convince or delude myself to knowing for a fact. i dont want to deeply relax into the void. i dont want to script. ive done everything i could ever do i know ive done WAY more than enough but i just desire it to appear now, nowww. im so determined but im still human and im tired. the power is within me ive proven it to myself many times. sometimes even tho u know something on a mental level, you still may not feel its a fact in your heart of hearts. thats my current assumption.

but girl i just needed to vent on that. im taking this spiel as proof it’s happening incredibly soon tho. now onto me contradicting all this with my desired self concept lmao. sorry its so long and i understand if you dont wanna post it.

TRUST ME! its okay to vent. its okay to feel your emotions, its okay- don’t ever keep your feelings inside of you for the sake of your manifestation, and i totally relate to how you’re feeling. you venting and releasing how you really feel isnt gonna do shit to your manifestation trust me.

i just want to acknowledge how you’re still so powerful!! even how shitty your life might seem you’re still trying and it makes me happy. from someone who has once been in such terrible circumstances, never give up. if i had gave up i wouldn’t be where i am rn.

1. STEP INTO YOUR POWER

i can already sense your power, i KNOW you’re amazing- i know you’re gonna manifest your desires and ik you’re gonna be okay one day. trust me on that, step into your divine power and know you’re 100% that bitch. mentally and physically because you are. go have self conversations with yourself on how AMAZING you are!

2. SELF CONCEPT

self concept is really important and ik you’re probably sick of hearing self concept too, but self concept really is the foundation of everything in life. self concept helped me in similar circumstances as you if that helps.

“i manifest so quickly and easily”

“nothing stops me from manifesting my desires”

“i love myself, i love what im becoming”

“i am strong, independent and amazing”

“i can easily manifest anything i want”

“i am a powerful manifestor”

“i am confident in my manifesting abilities and i know that my manifestation is inevitable no matter what”

3. KNOW THAT YOU CAN MANIFEST ANYTHING, NO MATTER WHAT.

ik a lot of people say you should ignore the 3D. now i believe you shouldn’t, i mean if you’re in the worst of circumstances..how can you? so just KNOW your manifestation is inevitable and its gonna be happen no matter what.

also you have SAID WHAT YOU WANT. meaning you dont have to do anything else but step into the knowing that your manifestation is inevitable.

[thebibliosphere]

Hello Joy! Long time follower and I really enjoy your blog. I just wanted to hope into your asks bc i've had a very frustrating day of doctors appointments and even if you don't have any advice, i was just hoping to rant to someone who'd been around the block with elusive medical illnesses (though please dont feel obligated to respond to this at all), and i apologize in advance for an almost certain lack of coherence.

I've been dealing with quite a lot of doctors appointments over the years, from treating insomnia, my adhd, and depression and anxiety, but long story short we have discovered 2 years ago that I have low b12. I have also been dealing with a chronic cough for 2.5 years. Unfortunately, oral supplements did not work for the b12 and i had to get monthly injections, which stopped when the pandemic hit and, despite doing for 4 months, didnt bring my levels up to normal anyway.

I recently restarted the injections, but my doctor will not approve my request to have more frequent injections, which i think i need, because its not fatally low (its at a 170 based on recent bloodwork). I finally saw a respirologist for my cough, and she has no idea what the cause of it is, even suggested that its psychsomatic, and put me on a different inhaler that i tried before (ive tried a million treatments for it, from post nasal drip meds to ppis for acid reflux to allergy meds, and the inhaler is the only thing that helped a little).

I've gained 20-25 pounds in the past 2 months, when ive been the same weight since i was a teenager (im 22), but my bloodwork continuously come back normal for everything but b12 and vitamin d, so my doctor also has no explanation for that (including normal tsh, and the last time i brought up testing other thyroid factors the doctor told me they dont do that and honestly made me feel silly for asking. Though, granted, my current doctor is a different one). I'm going insane because of how tired i am all the time, and the fact that I feel like a hypochondriac bc all my tests are always normal, and my doctor is only available for appointment once a month.

Sorry for the long block of text, i just feel, when looking at your blog, a sense of hope that eventually i'll have answers and you're just really great. ❤ i hope you had a really good day today ❤

Get a new doctor! Get a new doctor right now!

When you dip below 250 is when you can start to experience chronic fatigue, mood disorders and worsening cognitive function.

170 is when you're on the cusp of things getting seriously bad and depending on your homocysteine levels can start to cause pain and nerve damage. This is also when my hematologist estimates I started to sustain prolonged damage to my nervous system. This was also when I started experiencing the symptoms of early onset dementia.

140 is when my iron and folate levels tanked suddenly and I was so symptomatic my (then) new doctor was worried I had cancer and rushed me through seeing seven specialists in a week. The same day as seeing the hematologist it dipped below 110 and I started hemolyzing and went into medical crisis as my kidneys and heart started to struggle. I owe that hematologist and his team my life.

The good news is the shots you are getting right now are keeping you stable, but your doctor should NOT be waiting for your levels to hit crisis mode to resolve this issue. Please do not give up on this, you deserve better treatment.

Also, what kind of supplements are you taking?

I don't absorb Cyanocobalamin well through my gut, which is the most common type of oral supplement prescribed. What I do absorb through the gut is Methylcobalamin, so if you haven't tried that yet, it might be worth a shot to try and help you manage your levels on your own. Same with folic acid, I don't absorb it for shit, but when I switch to a methylfolate supplement, my numbers start to climb*. If you have tried this and it's been ineffective, then I'm going to emphasize that you need to push your doctor to increase your number of shots to get your levels up because what you are living with is not an acceptable quality of life, and I am so sorry :(

I hope you are able to rest and have better days in store soon. Take care, and if you want to talk about b12 or stuff, hit me up.

---

*Before anyone asks, yeah, I'm aware of the MTHFR gene mutation. I just can't test for it because the procedure is considered to be "investigational" and neither my geneticist nor my insurance wants to run it and I don't want to sell my data to a gene company lol.

[monsterenergysimp]

Permanence

corpse husband x fem!reader 

summary: you meet corpse on a stream and you’re surprised when he reaches out to you 

warnings: cursing, mentions of tattooing

word count: 1.9k

notes: This is proof read but could have missed some stuff. This is my first corpse fic and my first time writing fanfic since I posted that super cringey book on wattpad when I was like 12 or something. I’d appreciate feed back so please reach out to me :)

main blog @itsmysleepover

read part 2 here!

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You were cleaning up your station so you can get home and stream. You loved your day job as a tattoo artist but you also really enjoyed streaming. It started as a way to promote yourself as an artist and the shop you worked at but it eventually became a really fun way to destress at the end of the week (or day if you were really itching to stream). “Hey Y/N was that your last client?” your boss, KC, asked as she walked to the front of the shop and put new flash drawings on the walls.

“Yes ma’am!” You said back excitedly. You finished cleaning your station and tossed your black gloves in the trash. “And you can’t trick me into staying and taking walk-ins,” you joked with her. She rolled her eyes and walked back into her office “It was one time,” she said as you slid on your jacket. As you walked out your phone buzzed in your pocket and you checked to see who had texted you. It was a message from Sean asking if you were free to play Among Us with him and some other streamers. You replied that you were on your way home right now and totally down. You were excited to see who was playing this time around since their Among Us streams are super entertaining and have gotten really popular.

On your way back you tweeted and posted to your Instagram story that you’d be streaming soon and set up all your stuff once you made it home. After a few minutes, you had a couple of thousand people watching. You entered the discord chat and Sean spoke up. “Everyone this is Y/N she’s sensitive so be gentle.”

“It’s nice to finally meet you guys and I’m not gentle, I'm ruthless,” You say into your mic and notice the chat calling you a liar. Everyone was in the lobby waiting for the game to start. “You sound way too sweet to be ruthless,” Corpse said. The countdown started and you were imposter with Charlie.

“This should be fun,” you told the stream. Yout tried playing strategically but after such a long shift your brain was mush. You saw Poki in nav and killed her then vented into shields. Not long after the body was reported and you were sure you were going to get voted out or at least sussed.

“Where was the body?” Felix asked. “Nav and I didn’t see anyone near there so whoever is imposter must have vented,” Corpse responded. Felix spoke up again. “I think I saw Y/N walk that way and I haven’t seen her since.”

Shit, shit, shit shit. “I’m in shield right now so-” you said trying to defend yourself but Charlie spoke up. “I was doing tasks with her earlier and I saw her walk into shields so she’s safe but I’m still not sure about Rae.” Everyone discussed a bit more and some people, including Corpse, voted for you but Rae got the majority vote and was ejected. You released your breath and kept playing being extra careful.  

“Okay, guys that was super close. Corpse knows and is out to get me,” you said to the chat. You were eventually voted off but one round later victory was written across your screen with your ghost and Charlie’s avatar. “Good game guys,” Corpse said.

“I told you guys I was ruthless!”

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You sat at your station doing nothing because a client had canceled a four-hour session. You were listening to music and sketching some stuff but you were bored out of your mind and you didn’t want to leave in case you got a walk-in. The music got quiet as you received a twitter notification saying someone had messaged you. You reached for your phone and saw you had gotten a dm from Corpse.

C: hey :)

You didn’t know what to respond. You were mostly confused as to why he decided to message you out of the blue. Did he want something? But what would he want?

Y: Hii! This is sudden

C: was i bothering you?

    shit sorry!

Y: Youre fine I wasn’t doing anything rn

C: how has your day been

    i dont usually do stuff like this

Y: Im glad you did im doing better now I was so bored

C: what were you doing that was so terrible

Y: NOTHING! thats the problem :(

C: im sure youll find something to do

You stared at his message. Unsure what to respond.

Y: Im gonna give myself a tattoo

C: what?

    NO!

You tossed the needles you used for your tattoo into the sharps box. “Oh my god you didn’t,” KC said. She noticed the wrap on your calve from the tattoo you just gave yourself out of boredom. “It’s not my fault I didn’t have anything else to do!” You said trying to defend yourself. She sighed and just shook her head. “Just go home business is slow today.” It was raining so the shop probably wasn’t going to get a walk-in anyway and you didn’t have any more clients for the day. It was only 2 pm but you drove home and after making lunch for yourself decided to stream. You weren’t expecting too many people so it was bound to be super chill. Your leg felt sore reminding you of the tattoo. You snapped a quick pic of the fresh jack-o-lantern on the side of your calve and messaged it to Corpse.

Y: [image] it came out nice!

C: thats  super cool actually

    i was concerned why you would just give yourself a tattoo but i found your instagram and       youre super talented

Y: Thank you!

For some reason, it felt strange to just have that be the end of your response.

Y: Im about to start streaming if you wanted to watch

    [link]

C: ill be watching ;)

What’s that supposed to mean?

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

You sat in your apartment watching tv, hand lost in a bag of Doritos, and scrolling through twitter. You had stopped paying attention to the anime playing on the screen since you’ve watched it a hundred times and knew you wouldn’t miss anything. It was Saturday and you usually take those days off. Take the time to do chores or meet up with some friends but today you felt like not doing any of those things. As you continue your endless scroll (not helping the twitter addiction you told yourself you’d try to get a handle on) you got a message from Corpse.

C: wanna talk?

You looked down at the message unsure of how to answer. It was a simple yes or no and the obvious answer was yes. You and Corpse had started talking more regularly. You still didn’t have each other’s phone numbers but it was fine. Your conversations weren’t too big-- just you sending him memes, tiktoks, and telling him how much you liked the songs he would drop. Or him complimenting a tattoo you did. Sometimes he’d message you during streams telling you funny stuff his fans would say in the chat and you’d do the same. You learned a bit about each other but nothing too deep or serious. Like how you two lived a few cities away and you both really liked Donnie Darko. When Sean first invited you to that game out of everyone else there you were most excited to meet Corpse. He’s just so sweet and funny. Of course, you’d love to talk to him but you were also itching to talk to him and the last thing you’d ever want to do was make him uncomfortable.

Y: Yeah id love to talk

Here goes nothing.

Y: Wanna facetime or something?

     No pressure or anything it could even be a regular call

     I think facetime is just my default lol

You sent those last two messages quickly after you had sent the first. You wished you could know what he was thinking. It was killing you to think you had turned him off from talking to you completely. You put your phone down on the couch and went to wash your hand of Dorito dust. When you got back from the kitchen you turned off the tv and tossed yourself onto the couch.

Still no message.

Why am I so fucking stupid?  

Just as you were standing up to stretch from sitting on the couch all day your phone buzzed. You reached for it fast and looked to see that it was him. You became super excited still not even knowing what the message said. It could have told you to never talk to him again for all you knew.

C: sure lets facetime

    xxx-xxx-xxxx

You had his phone number. You added him to your small but growing contact list and called. You sat on your couch waiting for a response when he finally picked up the screen was black. It didn’t upset you; you kind of expected it and didn’t care what he had to do to make himself more comfortable during this call.

“Hey,” he said. His voice was raspier than usual.

“Did you just wake up?” You asked and looked at the time. It was about a little past noon and you had only eaten Doritos all day. Shit, you should probably make a decent meal.

“Not that long ago but yeah,” he responded and giggled. That giggle.

“Well, I’ve eaten nothing but Doritos all day while rewatching Ouran High School Host Club, so you’re welcome to join me as I make myself something to eat.”

“Sounds like fun; what are we eating?”

“I don’t know yet,” You said as you stood up and made your way to the kitchen. You opened the pantry and looked. You noticed a can of diced tomatoes and reached for it then checked the expiration date. It was still good. On your counter were some onions and garlic. “How about some tomato soup?”

“Sounds delicious.” you smiled at Corpse and your phone screen not knowing if he was also looking at his screen or not. “You’re really pretty-- you know that?”

“Thanks, but you don’t have to--”

“I’ve already told you what an incredible artist you are so many times I bet you’re tired of hearing it, but you already know what a talented artist you are.”

“That is very kind of you Corpse,” you said to him bashfully as you chopped the onion and opened the can of tomatoes. “But once again you don’t have to reach so far to compliment me.”

“I’m not reaching you are talented and beautiful and--”

“I thought I was pretty.” You could hear him chuckle with a smile on his face. “You’re both,” he said. You could feel your face getting warm from blushing.

“Fuck you you’re making me blush. My face is all hot and stuff.”

He laughed at how flustered you got. “That’s the cutest thing ever.”

You didn’t know how to respond so you just put some olive oil in a pot and tossed in your onions. It became silent but it was a comfortable silence. You turned the stove on and watched the flame for a few seconds. “If it was dark we could pretend we were together and having a bonfire or something,” you said to the phone as you turned the camera to show him the flame (still not 100 percent sure if he was looking at you or not).

“I’ll put it on the list of things to do when you visit me someday.”

[chanluster]

hello all 😃

I was gonna post this at midnight on the first day of 2022, but real life is a bitch and in truth i forget things really easily now.

still, as 2021 has ended, i feel as if i had to come out of my hibernation and say a few things about this blog, and its impact.

first of all, i saw my fics hitting new milestones, and i couldn’t even believe that despite me being barely here i receive so much love and appreciation from you people. it means so much, and truly so much, that every single one of you take the time to read my mostly horny ramblings and leave a like, comment, reblog or ask 🥺 to know i am appreciated while i am not here has been one of my greatest achievements.

second, but most importantly, i wanted to mention a few people who have definitely impacted my 2021, and the fics they brought with them.

@mocimori — CHIAAAAA, LOMLLLLL TREASURE OF MY HEART 😭😭😭❤️❤️😭❤️😭😭❤️ you are another ive wronged with my terrible replies but now i see why you complained about uni 😭 that shit SUCKS but ever since you sent in those Paris asks you have managed to make me a complete SIMP of you and every artwork you’ve made of SKZ and genshin makes me wanna like retweet reblog bookmark comment subscribe EVERYTHING !!! you’re so insanely talented and to top it off you are literally one of the nicest people I’ve ever met????? pls pls forgive me for never replying and pls let’s write that anti hero! skz fic we are not doing it justice w all those theories we had 💀💀 i love you so so much and i hope you’re doing amazing ☹️❤️

@bruh-changbin — oh my fucking god . SKY. My Bitch. My Love. the few crackers i will love and appreciate in my life 🥶 no but seriously you are one of tumblrs few treasures I’ve experienced and this is a big one cause tumblr fucking SUCKS 😭😭 you’ve become such an important person to me and despite u sending me terrible #girlboss memes ur every tiktok, random traumatic moments of your life and twilight memes send me off the edge 😭 thank you for being a funny sexy mf and i promise ill watch twilight soon I PROMISE 💀❤️❤️ ps. pls reply to my tiktoks i want attention 🙄🙄

to lysol — @soobmint @honeyju @hyuckworld (+ all ur other personalities on tumblr 😻) — you fucking three holy shit i hate you all so much because now im obsessed with three stupid americans from across the world who i have never met but would give my kidneys for 😐😐😐 but seriously you three are the reason i haven’t given up on writing ☹️ you guys encouraging me, our constant borderline racially motivated bullying (call me currymuncher one more time alice addy 😐) and just being unforgivably yourselves have become such a comfort to me, and I genuinely wouldn’t know what I would do without you all. Thank you for being in my life. I actually mean it this time 🙄❤️❤️ (no but really i love you so much y’all are the reason for my attachment issues)

special mentions to @healinghyunjin @scxrlettwxtches @aliceu !! i know i never reply and am so so so dead on here but i promise y’all be living in my head rent free !! all of your fics are the reason i have faith in stayblr cause imma be honest with yall stayblr has a draught in good fics💀

now i know i don’t have an abundance of friends or mutuals on here, but the people ive mentioned here, and my readers and supporters are the reason ive given myself a small belief that I can do something with writing. university is being a pain, i am tired, but you all give me strength to hopefully become active again.

i apologise if all of this sounds a bit random and all over the place, but that’s because it’s midnight and i feel like im about to pass out — a mf needs her sleep 💀 anyway, i hope you all have an amazing 2022, and please stay safe ❤️

[timothy-chamlet]

the afterparty - t.c. fanfic

pair: timmy x female reader

warnings: unprotected sex, general smut

word count: 2.6k (2640)

a//n: ok er ive never written for timmy before so im nervous snsvsj but if you read it tell me what u think !! <3

°•○●○•°

people often thought the two of you were dating. paparazzi tended to make it look that way through press. despite all the candid photos of you and timothée plastered in magazine spreads and floating around on blogs, he would tell people you weren't together. interviewers would ask, and time again he would put an end to the rumor by saying you weren't dating, you were just friends. 

to be fair, you honestly couldn't even be mad at him. it was a good marketing tactic, at least. if all the girls knew he was single they'd still be invested in the persona of a young, attractive starlet that - despite his more than desirable qualities - is still single. genius. meanwhile you were being his best friend and his trophy for award shows. 

it was growing on you though. you enjoyed walking red carpet events and going to extravagant parties and meeting big names in the industry. it was really a win-win for both of you. 

another one of those win-win situations was tonight. the past three days had been crazy. hair appointments, nail appointments, dress fittings, photoshoots, brunches, and dinners. running each new day on an hour of sleep - maybe two if you were lucky. fueled by energy drinks and the promise of rest after the event. showing up to an awards ceremony on nothing more than a 20 minute nap and a double shot espresso. being timothée's showpiece was exhausting. but it was good for you. 

you had just finished your last consultation for dress fittings and were on your way to your styling appointment. the dress would arrive shortly after you so everything was ready to go. things were set for timothée to meet you there in an hour or so, after his own styling. 

currently you're getting your makeup done. a swarm of professionals all around you, handing products, giving directions, telling you how gorgeous you look, at least three hands on you at all times. after almost an hour all the disembodied hands move from your face to reveal the *almost* finished product. you still need your hair done, but your face was flawless. your skin was insanely smooth; not a pore in sight, your lids were a bronze shade, and your lips were a perfect nude. 

a hair stylist soon steps into view, also admiring your makeup before diving into your hair. it was simple. a slicked back ponytail is all, careful not to draw away from your face and your dress. 

the strong aroma of hairspray clouds you as you maneuver to step into your dress. stripped of your previous clothes, you step into your dress and a couple people help you pull it up. the woman attending to the supper in the back steps away for a moment, seeming to answer a question. 

"what's his name?" she asks into her ear piece. "uh yes. she's in here with me. send him in."  

she returns behind you and does up the zipper to your dress. to your surprise, you see timothée waltz in the room. dressed in a charcoal gray suit with a light lavender button up underneath. "y/n," he exhales, walking towards you. "you look breathtaking, ma chérie." 

"you don't look too bad yourself, timmy," you say, stepping down from your pedestal to be almost eye level with him.

"is she done here?" he asks everyone around without taking his eyes off you. 

one of the women there swoops in with a pair of shoes and says, "slip in to these and you're ready to go, darling." 

you step into your shoes and link arms with timothée. "carriage awaits," he says as the two of you get escorted to the limo. 

once inside you let out a deep breath you didn't know you were holding. "you okay?" he asks from beside you. 

"yeah, just.. tired." 

he chuckles and drops his head. "absolutely exhausted." you two had similarly scheduled days so he knows exactly how you feel. "don't worry, mon amour, i'll have you home in about 8 hours." 

"i thought the awards show was only 4-" 

"there's always the afterparty.." 

you audibly groan and drop your head as timothée places a reassuring hand on your knee. 

"we're here," he says with fake enthusiasm as the limo pulls up to the event. the past 45 minutes felt like hours as your head began to pound from the lack of sleep. yet, lucky you, 45 minutes in l.a. traffic was a miracle. 

the two of you step out into the scene. flashing lights from camera flickers, the general buzz of the crowd, people you knew trying to get your attention, people timothée knew trying to get his attention. being the kind person he is, he doesn't shy away from fans calling his name. he walks over to give high fives, say hi, sign things, and really interact with the people that are so invested in his career. you look at him with a fond smile on your face as he greets  people.  

"timothéeeee," you both hear and turn around to match the loud booming voice to a face. 

"armieee!!" he yells in response, hurrying over to hug his co-star. 

you stand idly by as the two hug and catch up. fiddling with your ponytail and the skirt of your dress. until that same voice catches your attention. 

"bring it in hot stuff!" 

"hey, armie! how've you been, handsome?" you two had only met a handful of times, but it's like your souls clicked instantly. he had kept in touch since the first time you met and you guys had been pretty close ever since. 

"oh i’m doing great. really. just excited for this evening. can't wait to see how many awards lil' tim brings in," armie ends with a light laugh before timothée chimes in. 

"oh god no-" 

a cheery voice interrupts the conversation. 

"helloooo," armie's wife says in a sing-song voice and joins his side. "nice to see you again, y/n. and congrats timmy on your nominations." 

you and timothée nod in response and utter small, nervous 'thank you's' before armie excuses the two of them, promising to catch up later. 

"well, well, well- this is it, timmy." you say from your seat next to him. the host reads the nominees for best breakthrough of the year, and timothée's name is mixed in with so many other talented actors. he nervously puts his hand over yours. "you are absolutely amazing. everyone knows that. you're gonna get it." he looks at you and you pass him a reassuring smile. 

"and the award for best breakthrough goes to… timothée chalamet!" 

his head shoots up in shock. cameras pan around him and his baffled expression appears on huge screens behind the stage. he slowly stands from his seat and makes his way to the stage. making a beautiful speech, thanking almost everyone he's ever known. giving gratitude to everyone he's ever worked with, his parents, and his best friends. he comes off the stage and returns to his seat beside you. a year runs down his cheek, and you move to wipe it away, but he grabs your hand away from his cheek only to press his lips to your knuckles. "thank you for always believing in me." 

"you're an amazing actor and an even better friend. 

the night was nearing an end. people were saying their goodbyes and their 'see-you-soon's and going their separate ways. you and timothée walk out of the event, arms linked, with his hands tightly gripping his award. the smile never leaves his face. "i can't fucking believe that, y/n."

"you did it, timmy! all you and your hard work. lemme pick a nice spot on your shelf for it yeah?" 

"i was thinking about sitting it on my dresser right above the drawer full of your shit you keep leaving at my house," he says with a barely visible smirk. 

"oh, well if it's such a problem," you begin "i guess I'll just have to come get my 'shit' then?" you finish sarcastically. 

"oh! how dare you?" he begins to shout, going on a tirade similar to that of hamlet; overly dramatic and mostly nonsensical. "leave them be! small, small remnants; reminders of thee." he trails off softly, dropping his head to your shoulder and bringing his other hand up to trail his fingertips down the side of your face. 

you can't help but chuckle at this. "bravo timothée! amazing performance." 

he straightens up before taking a bow and returning to his previous position on your shoulder. "do you wanna skip the afterparty?" 

"and do what, tim? i thought you were gonna catch up with armie?" 

"i dunno- go to my place?" 

you nod your head, and timothée let's the driver know to just go to his house. 

you get out of the car in front of his apartment, quickly thank the driver, and dash inside; excited to remove the day. "can i shower?" you ask quickly already making your way upstairs.

"oui, mon trèsor, make yourself at home. ill be up in a while." it was almost as if he had it scripted. a routine more or less. you'd ask to shower - despite him telling you almost each time you never had to ask - and go up stairs to do so; him trailing along about an hour later behind you. 

you finish your shower earlier than planned so you decide to lay on his bed until he comes up. you let your freshly washed body relish in the textures of the cotton t-shirt and shorts you're wearing and the damp-cool feel of the comforter on his bed. 

you're not left alone for long before he darts up the stairs and into his room, catching your attention. you watch as he walks around, dropping various articles of his clothing haphazardly on his floor. left in only his boxers. 

"timmy?" you ask in a drawn out voice. 

"hm?" he asks lowly in response; his eyes trained on you. you don't respond to his muffled question and instead watch as he comes to lean over the foot of the bed, by your legs. "i've been thinking," he continues, "a lot recently. about us.." 

"us?-" 

"about what the media thinks we are. what the people say. the blog posts, the tweets. i read it all… what do you think about it, y/n?" he ends with a light sigh, making drawing light swirls on your leg. 

"i dunno really. i've never thought much about it," you say sitting up. 

he moves up from his place in front of the bed, crawling up to sit to the right of your legs. knees drawn up to his chest, eyes meeting yours. he raises his hand so his fingertips ghost the curve of your cheek. "you never think about.. the possibility of us?" he pauses as his eyes drift from yours. hands falling to his lap as he scoots even closer to you. you sit stunned, not knowing how to answer as if it was some rhetoric instead of a simple question. filling the silence, he continues. "i think about how different things would be if we were together. what it would be like to hold you and kiss you and- can i kiss you?" 

his voice wavers as his eyes meet yours yet again. with quick movements, he moves to straddle your legs, both hands resting lightly on either side of your face. 

"can i kiss you?" he asks again, his face millimeters from yours. 

you shake your head yes as your eyes fluttering closed, your lips brushing against his as you move. 

he plants his lips firmly on yours. innocent at first, but the kiss quickly gets deeper. more desperate, his hands moving from the sides of your face to tangle in your hair, pulling your head back giving him access to your neck. his lips dance around the skin of your neck, being careful not to leave any marks. “is this okay?” he whispers, dragging his hands from your hair to the hem of your shirt. 

you nod your head vigorously and he pulls your shirt up and over your head, throwing it to the floor with his clothes. you lean back and give timothee free reign of your chest and stomach. he makes his way from your neck down and across your chest. your hands rush to knot in his hair as he takes a nipple in his mouth, carefully flicking his tongue across the hardening bud before doing the same to the other. 

"timmy.." you breathe out as he leaves your chest and explores lower. his eyes meet yours as his teeth come into contact with the flimsy waistband of your sleep shorts. "please," you whisper. 

he hooks his fingers into the waistband of your shorts and pulls them down your legs; eyes going wide when he sees you have nothing underneath. 

"so pretty," he whispers almost to himself as he throws your shorts in his floor with the rest of your guys' clothes. he runs his finger along your slit, collecting some of your wetness, tasting it. laying back down with your legs over his shoulders, he hooks his arms around your thighs to keep you in place. he runs his tongue along your folds and you arch your back in response. he sucks on your clit making you squirm and tangle your fingers tighter in his hair, pushing against his face, eager for more. 

"tim-... timmy," you beg.

timothée kisses his way back up your body. "hm?" he hums softly beside your ear only for you to utter another weak 'please' in response. 

"please… please what, mon amour?" 

"baise moi.." you didn't know much french. you had picked up on a few of timothée's most used phrases, but this you hadn't learned from him, so it caught him off-guard. stuck in a moment of shock. hearing you say something so dirty in french felt so strangely intimate; you didn't have to ask him twice. 

he slips his boxers, finally accompanying you in nakedness, and slips into you, moaning at the feeling of you around him. 

"fuck.. timmy-" you groan as he picks up his pace. he coos sweet nothings into your ear while drilling into your core. 

his head drops to your chest and the soft, sweet praises slowly turn into obscenities. "merde," he groans, picking up his pace even more. holding himself at arms length above you, he throws his head back; lips parted in pure bliss. 

you lift one of your hands to trail down timothée's torso. you lazily drag your fingertips across his chest and down to his stomach. the pleasure building inside you, your hand finds its way to your clit. “timmy... fuck! ple- please don’t stop. fuuuuuck!” 

“défaire pour moi, y/n.” you didn’t think french could ever drive you to orgasm, but when it came from timothé anything was possible. you convulse around him as your wave of pleasure washes over you. timothée reaching his own peak soon after, pulling out and emptying on your stomach. he quickly finds something to clean you up with before plopping down on the bed beside you. many silent moments pass - nothing but heavy breaths leaving either of you - before he speaks up. “you know,” he begins in a soft whisper, “i felt bad- like i was using you. just to go to events with me. i know you don’t really like them but-” 

you cut him off and turn to face him. “i might hate going to those award shows, but they’re a little less bad with you around.” 

he breaks into a wide smile and pulls you closer, putting his head on your stomach. "mon amour, je t'ai toujours aimé." you reach down to play with his curls and begin to drift off on your way to sleep. 

[lusciouslii]

actually yknow what forget that, my kink blog ill post whatever little thoughts i want. even if im just yelling into the void at least i get to yell!

longer rant incoming bc im tired and want this out of my system!!

-

so i met this guy on feabie and immediately it was super exciting because we go to the same college!!

hes also super fucking hot which was its own weird thing bc ive really never experienced like physical sexual attraction so that was weird. but yeah dude looks good and he has a nice voice so thats already not helping me

we’ve met up a couple times now, once to sorta test the waters, once just to cuddle in my room???? which looking back it was at that point i was straight up fucked because as someone who had recently gotten out of a bad relationship in which all my needs and emotions had been completely neglected, having that kind of sweet and affectionate intimacy?? all while my chubby body is being praised and adored??? never once had that in my LIFE.

the other few times has been pretty lowkey too. we did do a feeding session once but i got sick and it was the most humiliating thing. but he was so nice and caring and we continued to talk afterwards so i just try not to think about it anymore lol

we didnt talk much over the summer since i had to go back home across the country, but he reached out a few times and i was like damn ok im still of interest to him

this semester started great because i planted the seed (aka posted a pic showing i was back over here) knowing he would probably see it and if he’d say anything, and he fucking did he reached out and was excited i was back and wanted to meet up soon. schedules were a little rough but eventually we did!

i felt extra happy because it was sort if spur of the moment decision and he was moving back an online hangout he’d been planning with friends for a couple weeks. so i was like omg he really wants to see me even if only for a little bit thats so nice

and now that we have several months ahead of us we started talking about doing more of a feeder/feedee setup and things like that and im, obviously, super into the idea, and he seemed super into it too!! the dirty things he said to me that night!!!! not fair!!!!!!!

i sent pics later that night bc we talked about it and he said he’d “return the favor” lol but the. like. i sent them and he didn’t say anything until i posted a pic to feabie 🙃 and he was like oh sorry i completely missed your text! which like alright, and he asked me how i was doing and blah blah brief smalltalk

i asked if he wanted to meet up again soon and he said “Yea I’d be down, I gotta see what’s going on tho / need to play it by ear”

now heres where i get all introspective because to me, i dont see why we couldnt just schedule something in the future. unless, that is, hes trying to keep his schedule open for other stuff. i can get that to a certain degree, and i have to like. really ponder on it because i dont want to be some clingy needy girl who is fawning after a guy im not even dating, but its like….idk it makes me feel kinda sad? that im not enough of a priority to want to pick a set day to do something? so idk how to feel about that exactly

anyways i tried asking again some days later and he wasnt free, no surprise, usually when we do something its sorta this impulsive last minute thing, which again like. sorta plays into that whole im not really a priority unless idk youre horny or something

but its weird cause it seems like he does care and does want more than just horny shenanigans? we havent had sex yet and have only even had one actual feeding session. soooo worlds most patient fuckboy if thats the case but i just really dont get those vibes

but also im gullible and see the best in people i care about and thats how i got fucked over in my last relationship

im just feeling pretty sad about the whole thing right now because we talked about doing all these things and i really want that but hes so uncommunicative and im afraid of being obsessive. again, might be on me too because im going in thinking maybe theres a chance to do more

but then again even if there isnt thats FINE i just want to do SOMETHING lmao

so now im just left wanting and thinking about him a lot and oh yeah need i remind WE GO TO THE SAME SCHOOL WHY CANT WE JUST MEET UP CASUALLY ONE AFTERNOON 😭

idk but im afraid of maybe ruining the best relationship ive formed in this kink after figuring out what i wanted from it. god even now im just like “youre thinking too hard about this it doesnt matter that much, youre supposed to be flexible and chill and just go with the flow cause its just a little side thing” but welp. my brain is noisy and i dont have a good outlet. another problem of not having friends in this kink but im not good at responding to people which online is the only way to talk to people and now im just rambling

anyways ending this here and hoping he’ll reach out eventually cause boy does the heart yearn 🥲🥲🥲

[ruvigapo]

Another personal post today bc i feel like i just.. am better able to think when i know someone's listening.

Remember blog culture?? I'm channeling That right now 😂😂

It's occured to me lately all the ways on which my adhd really has inhibited my ability to draw, and i just wanted to write it all out in a bulletpoint format and go through them to see if i can't find a solution to some of them.

Boredom - i get bored doing the same thing for too long and will rarely finish something if it takes me more than a week to finish.

Computer runs on 4GB - My computer is, sadly, shit. Which means a lot if waiting and hassling to save files on external hard drives.

External validation - not unique to adhd but i've been told we react much more strongly to other people's opinions of us, which sounds about right. So if i don't feel other people enjoy what i make, or even one person doesn't, whose opinion i value, i lose motivation.

Going outside - drawing from life is something i enjoy but it's very hard for me to do, which has led to me feeling very stuck in a single mindset for a very long time even though i would like to get inspiration from other sources. The insp bank is just very empty.

Starting and stopping - it's just such a hassle to navigate hyperfocus. To an extent i know how to trigger it, work with it, make the most of it, etc. But it still just takes a Lot of energy to manage.

Back pain - having a hard time exercising and stretching regularly has made it so my back pain is stopping me from drawing even if i want to.

Too tired all the time - everything is much more exausting when u have adhd so even if i wanted to work on åersonal projects or whatever, the physical and emotional toll is just too high.

Probably not an exaustice list lbr but at leadt i have it.

So a few things are more existential in nature like: "what do i want to spend my limited time on this earth making?" "Why do i feel like what i am doing is not enough?" Etc. Etc. And probably can't be solved in one sitting.

A couple things can rly be aided by a better settup though so once i move in i'm going to need to start thinking about a better settup:

A better computer with a RAM that doesn't actively want me dead.

(And good screen placement to go w that, so im not actively murdering my neck).

(And a new tablet that's not 10yrs old and a safety hazard).

Established places for all my tools so i can work with minimal effort.

Smaller usb sticks labeled by year would be nice. Computer folders drive me mad.

An inspiration board (and planning board) would be nice. Being able to visually see all my projects in action at all times. Worth a try honestly.

Moving in and settling down will aid on a few fronts:

Generally not being constantly worried about moving in to a new appartment will be swell. Love that for future me.

Exercise will happen more regularly once i move in and am not constantly stressed. Also i'll live rly close to a gym so.. fingers crossed that solves That problem.

Going back to work will help with that.

Fingers crossed ill have energy for parkour again soon🤞🤞🤞

Genuinely no solution for the Too Tired problem. I'll likely just have to let myself rest once in a while even if it means giving up on exercise and drawing for a week or more at a time. Which is probably healthy lbr.

Which.. that leaves the three biggest issues (shocker).

Going outside would help with boredom but going outside is hard.

I think i'll have to invest in some better outdoorsy bags. Like those rly cool leather hip pouches. Those would be great. Just.. a way to easily carry equipment qith me so i can just draw when i feel like it and don't have to dig around a bag just find a pencil.

Like this lol. Big enough to fit an a5 sketch book bc that's my preffered size snd like.. one water colour set and a pen. Imagine that. I think that would be Swell. I don't need a bunch. Just enough that i can carry the essentials anywhere i go.

The dream.

Another reason to marry a leather worker.

And honestly like.. i think taking a break from fanart and social media and just going outside to draw and see the world.

I think that's what i need rn.

Then there's the issue of external validation, which isn't anyone's fault, it just kinda Is.

I figure quitting social media can help with that too. Sorry to say.

The rest is probably just processing what i want to do and stuff. Ya kno. The existential bits.