#im doing so badly actually!!!!!!!! and idek why!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[virgoevenus]

.

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

wish i could post my paintings of theatre stuff here bc i'm really proud of those (my theatre keeps making amazing adaptations with SUPER COOL costume and lighting and setting and colour and visual symbolism choices) but alas. the chance is low but very definitely above zero that i'd doxx myself HARDCORE. but maaaan. trust me when i say that stage is just plain amazing. i need to live in the theatre

[nightfallsystem]

man i probably need to work on my self worth but the thing is i unfortunately AM actually genuinely ugly 😔

[qraceiuv]

secrets. jude bellingham.

summary — jude bellingham x fem!reader | fans freak out over jude shooting his shot in a certain model's posts; little do they know it's their way of uncovering a long hidden relationship.

note — i feel on a role rn — send in requests!! any faceclaims you wanna see used and ideas for social media posts <3

warnings — nothing, only fluff and flirting

_________________________________________

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: just me recently dont get too disappointed

—

username: shes my wife she js doesnt know

username: gimme a chance pls

yourfriend: REOWRRRR

— y/nsusername: me when you

username: i need u

judebellingham: not a disappointment at ALL

— y/nsusername: omg REALLY

— judebellingham: omg YES REALLY

— y/nsusername: wait im blushingg😞

username: why are they talking like THIS

— username: i dont KNOW but im ENJOYING IT

username: JUDE MF BELLINGHAM?

username: JUDE HELLO?

username: here from jude and wHAT

twitter

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: when in rome..

—

username: wasnt she just seen in rome with jude!!

— username: i think it was a false rumor

username: explain. 🧍‍♀️

username: wanting jude to comment again..

username: I NEED U BADLY

y/nupdates: hmmm...

judebellingham: your purse looks heavy, let me hold it for you

— y/nsusername: it's actually a tote bag... 😒

— judebellingham: can i get points for trying

username: JUDEJUDEJUDE

username: IM HERE FOR THIS

username: give him the points y/n GIVE HIM THE POINTS

username: jude could hold my shopping bags

— y/nsusername: i agree with this!!

— judebellingham: if itll make you happy🙏

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: never beating the passenger princess allegations

—

username: jude's passenger princess??

username: fit is eating

username: WHO TOOK THESE PHOTOS MS. Y/N.

— y/nsusername: the 60yo uber driver

username: she is not slick nor funny

yourfriend: girlll

judebellingham: 🚗🚗🚗

— y/nsusername: alright now.

username: NOW WHAT IS HE DOING😭

username: jude honey just say ur obsessed

username: i cant tell if theyre actually like becoming a thing or if hes a stalker

— username: mix of both!!

y/nsusername

y/nsusername: a long time loving you..

—

username: A LONG TIME?

username: this is outrageous dont ever speak

username: so uhm so uhm

username: IT WAS ALL A TRICK?!

username: IDEK WHAT IM FEELING RN

username: this is GROSS i am UNWELL (literally crying in adoration)

judebellingham: secrets out 🤷🏾

— y/nsusername: your loud ass got us caught idiot

— judebellingham: its hard launch day not bully jude day

username: HARD LAUNCH DAY😭😭

username: jude just understands

twitter

y/nsusername has posted on their instagram story!

_________________________________________

[dangopango00]

ABYSS RAZOR CRUSH HCS BC IF I DONT GET SOME CONTENT I WILL DIE

Abyss Razor x gn reader

Prompt: yall r madly in love he has a crush on youuu (boyfail situationship hcs more like tbh)

A/N: sorry if this is rambly i cant live like this i keep rereading the same 4 or 5 posts over and over again ive been waiting for like a year and im getting teased with the tip PLEASEEE WRITE HIM 😭😭🤞 i cant ever escape the ‘nobodys fave but mine’ curse help

Ily losermen

Ily high ponytail men

Ily abyss razor

more utc

- Im gonna jump he is so kewt. Idek what to say im just ill

- You’d probably often compliment his eyes and you have this image that hes so calm and collected— which he is! But! Not with you! So every conversation with you is him just fighting for his life trying to look cool and not implode at the same time

- ^^^ THIS is one thing. But what really gets him falling for you is when you get a bit closer and have a talk with him, telling him in no uncertain terms that he’ll always have someone to return to if others are cruel because you won’t be leaving him

- Gives you things VERY often, usually little things because hed die if he had to directly give you a gift and then have to explain why, so he shows his affection in little ways like letting you have his best pencils and pens if you need it (lets you keep it too)

- oh he absolutely loses it if he sees you continue to use his pen hes so touched that you’re taking good care of what he gives you it shows that it means a lot to you and that he means a lot to you

- The only actual gift he gives you during this stage are things he has an excuse for like origami (idk why but i feel like he makes cool ass origami) he can just say he made too many so hes giving them away yet you and maybe Abel are the only ones who received some…

- He wants so badly to be useful to you he gets so flustered and happy just hearing you say thanks when he answers your question about the assignment or when he lends you his materials

- Immediately stiffens when you make any sort of contact. Dont stop though, he can count the times hes been hugged on one hand

- Speaking of his touch starvation, he’d let you play with his hair and looks forward to it tbh he’d just rather not initiate anything it’s too much for his heart

- If you have him take down his hair and play with it (like braid it or try different hairstyles) he’d feel so content; ofc he’s nervous but at the same time he just feels so at peace as if it’s only you two in the world and all the people who have ever wronged him never existed in the first place

- He’s a little bit delulu, i fear

- He gets so nervous texting and calling you bc what if you tell him ily. No that could never happen. Wait but what if it did— do you see his dilemma?

- He’s a chronic overthinker and in a way its a bit sweet because he used to worry about you randomly saying you didn’t want to be friends with him but now he wouldn’t even consider that possibility; it just no longer enters his mind

- He’d also find himself drifting off, losing himself in thought and end up daydreaming about if you two were in a relationship

- It’s very innocent, it’s just you two being cute and going places together while holding hands and such until it drifts even further to imagining you two kissing

- His face is on fire and he has to stop thinking NOW but hes in too deep hes imagining kissing ice cream off the side of your mouth and other cliches like that it’s so over

- Abel wondering wth is wrong with his right hand; all he said was that he was going to make mother happy by doing his homework today meanwhile Abyss can no longer be normal

- The kissing is just his guilty pleasure but Abyss constantly imagines holding hands with you like if you walk too close to him his hands will get clammy and his fingertips will get cold because he wants to hold your hand but is scared to initiate it

- God forbid you actually hold his hand even for a second while he’s having his entire internal monologue. He will die. You killed him. How could you?

- He won’t let go though like. Ever . Handholding is his favorite thing 5ever and as soon as he gets a taste he’s hooked

- He likes handholding so much that if you held his hand enough times then one time he’d accidentally grab your hand and initiate for once (immediately gets flustered after but it counts)

- Really really REALLY likes when u trace over his magic lines. Ruins his life everytime and he just melts in your touch; subconsciously leans in and his face softens and EVERYTHING

- Ok i wasn’t gonna say it bc itd probably involve sm sneaking but: Sleepovers. IM JUST SAYING 🤞🤞🤞 I feel like this is where most of the softer moments happen tbh like your roommate being out and you two have a sleepover

- I think this is where the playing with his hair and tracing the lines on his face would happen if not this then when you’re bored in class

- Not a fan of PDA even if ur not dating so he does play with your hair but usually during the sleepovers if you’ll allow him (not quite trying new hairstyles like you do but letting it fall through his fingers, running his hands through it or just rubbing the ends with his fingers to feel how soft it is)

- If you are bald he would slightly hold the back of your head and rub your temples with his thumb to help you relax

- Idk ik i just went on about how hes a loser but I feel like when it comes to affection relating to hair or like anything not affectionate in a cliche sense he doesn’t really pay attention and does it without thinking; only realizes its too affectionate if you point it out (please do not, he feels very comfortable right now. He will stop and never do it again if you point it out)

- You have a lot of deep talks and give him encouraging words during sleepovers tbh it just gives you both time to just… enjoy each other uninterrupted

- Sometimes instinctually distances himself from you because you make his heart do somersaults and his head feels like it’ll explode around you though he doesn’t last long, he needs you with him everyday atp 😭

- Although the above is true, sometimes he gets clingy ish (just by your side all the time) and protective over you even knowing you aren’t his

A/N: a ridonkulous amount of these r based on things ive done erm. Ok. Ig next thing i should write is him with an equally loser gf i def fit the bill LOL

[so2uv]

you're tuning into the jj radio show.. here are some sort-of monthly roundups!!! (but kind of last months too its only been september for like 2 weeks). idk if any of them will be ur thing but i hope u like at least one out of the 10 i picked >_^

3005, childish gambino. god. this is just the song ever for me i cant explain why i love it so much i just DO. sol.. to be honest.. i'll right by ur side til 3005. ITS JSUT SOOOO.

追われてる, soul scream. INCREDIBLE!!! THIS IS REAL MUSIC!!! THIS IS CRAZYYYY. OWARETERU ❗ OWARETERU 💢 OWARETERUU 💥 like some people wouldnt even get it for real.

make luv, brent faiyaz. CRUSHING something in my hands right now. IDK HOW HE DOES ITTTT when he makes sth good he makes sth GOOD do u get me. i might explode.

100,000 - unfinished, jai paul. shoving this song into the hands of anyone who'll listen. every time i listen to this song i think the “And when you think you know what I know / A hundred thousand light years to go” near the end wont hit as hard because i've sort of built up a resistance to it and then it SHOOTS ME IN THE HEADDD. too good.

trick me, kelis. the tasty (2003) album gets me INSANE there is not a singular miss on there for me. and this song... oh its so bad rn. im obsessed with it. like im going crazy. Hepl!

1 thing, amerie. i hear this song and suddenly i can sing i can dance and i can walk in 6-inch heels! and also this isnt that relevant to the song but her hair on the touch album cover.. IT EATS IDEK

two moons, exo-k. you might've heard this before but if not IT NEEDS TO BE HEARDDDD this is literally one of my fave exo songs.

the 7th sense, nct u. you might've heard this too sorry 😓😓 BUT HOW CAN I NOT SUGGEST THIS LIKE ? changed my life forever. when mark lee said “uh, and that's a long-ass ride” i think some part of me just passed away. that IS a long ass ride. 1 thing mark lee's never gonna do is lie!!

taking what's not yours, tv girl. THIS SONG IS SO FUNNYYY. and also very good. BUT ITS SO PETTY LIKE STOP I GIGGLE EVERY TIME I LISTEN 😭 “Ooh, I still have your lighter / Ooh, I still have your book” LIKE HE SOUNDS SO ANNOYING LMFAOO

iii. telegraph ave, childish gambino. had to start and end w him!!! again HOW IS HE SO CRAZY LIKE THISSS. got me moving and floating and ascending and dying. its serious. i love it.

and thats it! like i said i hope u like at least 1 ☹️ THIS WAS FUN I RLY ENJOYED TYPING OUT MY SILLY LITTLE THOUGHTS.. but i will shut up now LOL. time for you to switch to a different station, because the jj radio show is over!! (LMAOO OK ROLEPLAY)

3005: not bad not bad! rap isn't my favourite genre but the lyricism is great and it's honestly really nice to listen to while staring out a window :DD

追われてる: the intro was funky in a good way! love the rhythm and it's catchy in a way that has me bobbing along to it.

make luv: not really my vibe but the chorus is enjoyable. smth id put on my fic writing playlist ngl 👍

100,000 - unfinished: THE SWITCH UP AT THE BEGINNING AYOOO??! from the heavy rap to sudden vocals then merging the two is so 😩😩 i love the vibes of it. “a hundred thousand light years to go” ‼️‼️‼️‼️ i love how the words are staggered; it’s jerky the speech but it works so well

trick me: again, the song itself isn't for me specifically but the lyricism is to die for. "freedom to us has always been a trick // freedom to you has always been who ever landed on your dick" LIKE HELLO??? YES I LOVE THIS audibly went "ooooh" when i heard it. the rap is amazing too

1 thing: ok the intro ok it's nice its nice. OOH THE VOCALS I LIKE THIS TBH it's so fun??! if i weren't hacking my lungs out id totally get up and dance very badly to this (pretend like im an edit or like part of a clip compilation or smth yes yes)

two moons: the beginning is very cool, i like the beat and the rapping! ok when it picks up around 0:59 and they start saying two moons and stuff 💥💥💥 honestly did not expect to like this as much as i actually do :00 added it to my main playlist too 😼😼

the 7th sense: "OPEN YOUR EYES" OMG I LOVE THE CHORUS like my eyes are open and im sat. I GET WHAT YOU MEAN WITH THE MARK LINE!!!! nah ok this is going on the main playlist bc yes.

taking what’s not yours: THIS??? SLAPS??? i don't listen to enough tv girl shit i should be- the beat is such a good walking song i will climb a mountain listening to this. “ooh, i still have your lighter // ooh, i still have your book // ooh i still have everything you bought, but you never took” this right here. makes me want to- *explodes*

iii. telegraph ave: OMG THE DROP thought this was going to be a slower song but. the shift. the switch up 😫

omg this was fun!! pls music recs are amazing i love getting them

[warpspeedgirl]

So I walked into the apartment reeking of gas because you left the stove on, I had to figure out what the problem was and where the smell was coming from, open up the doors and windows and call poison control while pregnant. I breathed a good amount of that in. Im having a baby! It’s a health hazard and it could potentially run up our bill, not to mention start a fire! "thanks for letting me know" 3 days later is not an appropriate response to something as serious as leaving the gas on for DAYS. It's not a little or casual thing. I should've sent you the long explanation that poison control and the pregnancy nurse hotline left for me. If I didn't happen to stop by with Derek it wouldn't just been on until whenever you came back over a week later. “Thanks for letting me know” is so casual and just straight up weird. I get it it was an accident and not intentional but "thanks for letting me know" is a crazy response. Something along the lines of "oh my bad, Wont happen again" or "oh sorry thanks for catching that! I'll look out to see if the gas bill goes up, sorry about that" would’ve been a more reasonable or sane response. Like damn I wanted to walk in and take a nap not have to call the nurses hotline and poison control and air all of the clothes in my closet and the apartment out. Idek what there is to say anymore

So yeah between this and every other just mean and impatient thing you’ve done and said to me, I’m leaving! I’m having a baby. I didn’t need to be that concerned about inconveniencing you with my absence especially after how rude and inconsiderate you were not long after we even first moved in and before that too actually. I’m still care enough to make sure the roommates I weed out aren’t crazy and the best potential fit because I’m considerate, but peace out.

All I care about is my baby and my family right now. Thats what consumes most of my thoughts everyday. Everything else is just noise. I NEED to focus on myself and taking care of my health and peace. Finding a replacement roommate is going to help so much right now. She hurt me so freaking bad. And it’s always SHOCKING like I would never ever talk to you this way and it’s mind blowing to me that after all these years you’re talking to me in this way. First in September now in November. Im done being hurt and thrown off by this. And it’s over stuff that is just so minimal and unimportant? It’s just shows character, the way you are and I don’t want to be around it. I honestly shouldn’t be shocked by some of it after what I’ve seen over the years. It just freaking sucks how badly it hurts.

She said it’s too late for her. Or she’d think it would be, okay. I told her I’d need a few weeks or months because she was so hurtful and went VERY far over nothing. I had a lot I needed to process about our friendship and it wasn’t just over that last incident. Maybe if she didn’t cause that whole thing and take it to world war 3, I wouldn’t have needed so much time. It’s just funny that it’s too late for HER after she caused all of that over what should’ve been a non issue. I just kind of wanted a reason for why she did that not to be friends again. But she’s the type of person that just wants to move on and not really discuss things. Even saying she thought that one horrible day where she went off over something so small (again) was a “sibling fight” we wouldn’t talk about. I wanted to talk bc she really hurt me. After years and years, I know this about her and have encountered situations where that’s how she handle things. I was surprised when she wanted a mediator but I think it’s because she took things so far and maybe could tell I was done and didn’t want to lose the friendship. It was an important relationship. But why the fuck do we need a mediator over something as simple as me just saying no. I actually wanted to but after some time things became clearer and it just seemed like a bad idea and things would get worse because of certain patterns and certain last phrases and words she used with me.

No it doesn’t really feel like you’re sorry or understand why it’s hurtful after you go so freaking far and defend and stand in the awful rude things you said when trying to talk it out with you. It’s a pattern.

It like after allll of that defensiveness and rudeness and hurtful comments you finally admit that okay you should’ve stopped when I said no and that it was your thing to handle but no apology for taking things that far/back in September you finally apologize for hurting me after telling me what I was saying was irrelevant and pointless to even bring up and countless defensive irrelevant comments after I asked if we could talk about it and during our talk about it. Or in 2021 or the years before when I’d mention something hurt me she’d say “I’m sorry if that hurt you or if you took it the wrong way” and I’d just let it go. Might as well just not apologize if you’re going to flip it back on me.

Feels like there’s no point trying to work things out with you it’s draining. I don’t think you’re ever going to get it because of your ego? being afraid of being responsible of potentially hurting someone? She kind of admitted that to me. Idk what it is but it’s not okay.

[pinkadork]

I miss his voice. Sometimes i replay voice memos

I feel like im going insane or maybe im past that idek anymore.

Why do i want to feel our hands touch so badly?

Why do i long to hear him say he still loves me?

That even with my issues we could be happy?

I know that's not true. Maybe it never will be and thats okay even if i dont actually believe that's okay.

Do i even deserve love? Do i deserve happiness? Half the time I don't feel i even desrve air or food, water, etc.

[lixbf]

love how the thing that's like the main part of going to uni and studying is just something i feel absolutely no need to ever do

[whsprings]

my head hurts and I should drink some water but I do not want

[deripmaver]

laurent is a good person - book 1 meta

one of the most amazing things about captive prince is how the reveals in book 3 recontextualize all of the scenes leading up to them, including about laurent himself. in book one, all we see is damen pov as he’s being abused and humiliated by this supposedly spoiled, vile ice prince. when the regent comes to damen and subtly (and not so subtly) insults laurent, calling him unfit to rule - well, why would he think anything different? laurent has insulted him, had him whipped within an inch of his life, and even attempted to (and later successfully lmfao) have him raped while drugged out of his mind. 

after book 3 we can reread most if not all of book 1 as a very traumatized boy who has finally been confronted with the man who killed his brother, leaving him alone with his abusive uncle, and who he clearly has made into a complete monster in his own mind. damen of course sees him as a complete bitch, but there’s textual/subtextual evidence that laurent is well liked, and that his behavior during book 1 was actually pretty out of character for him. i’d like to provide some examples of that now!!!!

“Laurent had stopped dead the moment he had seen Damen, his face turning white as though in reaction to a slap, or an insult. Damen’s view, half-truncated by the short chain at this neck, had been enough to see that. But Laurent’s expression had shuttered quickly.” Captive Prince, Chapter One

i couldn’t resist adding this one in hehe. laurent recognizes damen!! he’s come down, knowing his uncle has devised another truly horrendous and triggering “gift” and that he’ll lose support if he calls it our for what it truly is, only to find out that it’s fucking damianos of akielos sent to him as a sex slave. a jab at laurent’s trauma about auguste and also a jab at laurent’s frigid sexuality - which ofc is completely the regent’s fault. fuck that guy so much lmfao 

“‘It’s so rare to see you at these entertainments, Your Highness,’ said Vannes.” Captive Prince, Chapter Two.

this is right before the fight between govart and damen in the ring, of course. damen sees laurent as depraved and vile as the sexual sadism on display by the veretian court, and considers him to be a willing purveyor of it. this is wrong, of course, as said by vannes here. laurent has only shown up because he wants to humiliate damen lmfao.

“He did remember being supported by two of the guards, here, in this room, while Radel stared athis back in horror. ‘The Prince really . . . did this.’ ‘Who else?’ Damen said. Radel had stepped forward, and slapped Damen across the face; it was a hard slap, and the man wore three rings on each finger. ‘What did you do to him?’ Radel demanded.” Captive Prince, Chapter Four

this scene, to me, was the most telling lmfao. it’s right after damen is whipped. you could argue that radel is just a servant in the employ of the royal household, so is of course going to be loyal to the prince, but he seems genuinely surprised of the prince’s cruelty towards damen. not only that, but he slaps him and immediately assumes damen must have done something. which - i mean, technically he did lmao. not necessarily enough to deserve having the skin flayed from his back, but you know. if laurent was in the habit of torturing pets and slaves, why would the overseer react this way?

“The men guarding him were the Prince’s Guard, and had no affiliation with the Regent whatsoever. It surprised Damen how loyal they were to their Prince, and how diligent in his service, airing none of the grudges and complaints that he might have expected, considering Laurent’s noxious personality. Laurent’s feud with his uncle they took up wholeheartedly; there were deep schisms and rivalries between the Prince’s Guard and the Regent’s Guard, apparently.” Captive Prince, Chapter Four

laurents relationships with his guards are also some of the biggest indicators that he isn’t just a spoiled brat, but can insire a deep loyalty in his men. even if they do all want to fuck him. ah, sexual harassment. it’s also hilarious that damen immediately assumes they’re loyal to him because they want to fuck him - nice projection there, dude. we know a bit more about laurent and his guards thanks to green but for a season, but this little bit here is interesting.

“Laurent was indeed good at talking. He accepted sympathy gracefully. He put his position rationally. He stopped the flow of talk when it became dangerously critical of his uncle. He said nothing that could be taken as an open slight on the Regency. Yet no one who talked to him could have any doubt that his uncle was behaving at best misguidedly and at worst treasonously.”  Captive Prince, Chapter Five

idek what to say here. laurent my beloved <3333

“‘When someone doesn’t like you very much, it isn’t a good idea to let them know that you care about something,’ said Laurent. Damen felt himself turn ashen, as the threat sank in. ‘Would it hurt worse than a lashing for me to cut down someone you care for?’ said Laurent.” Captive Prince, Chapter Seven

this isn’t really relevant to my thesis lmfao i just love this exchange bc it gives SO MUCH information about laurent and his uncle in just three lines of dialogue. what has the regent done, who did he cut down just to hurt laurent? when and how did laurent learn that? p a i n 

“Laurent’s fussy horse began acting out again, and he leaned forward in the saddle, murmuring something as he stroked her neck in an uncharacteristically gentle gesture to quiet her.” Captive Prince, Chapter Nine. 

HORSEY NO- lmfao this scene just hurts so badly on the reread. especially later on, in book 3 i think, where laurent says something like “i provoked my uncle.” he’s really blaming himself for his uncle KILLING HIS HORSE, his horse that his murdered brother trained, one of the only living connections to auguste... all because his uncle could not let a single miniscule plan laurent had set go through without some kind of repercussion. literally all laurent did was do something to stop an innocent group of people from being abused, nothing to undermine his uncle’s rule, but because the regent is VILE he could not let laurent have even this. he’s so good with her, too. he must have known by this point and also known that there was no way to stop this. P A I N

“‘I know that you have somehow arranged this,’ said Erasmus. He was incapable of hiding what he felt, and just seemed to radiate embarrassed happiness. ‘You kept your promise. You and your master. I told you he was kind,’ Erasmus said. ‘You did,’ said Damen. He was pleased to see Erasmus happy. Whatever Erasmus believed about Laurent, Damen wasn’t going to dissuade him. ‘He’s even nicer in person. Did you know he came and talked to me?’ said Erasmus. ‘—He did?’ said Damen. It was something he couldn’t imagine. ‘He asked about . . . what happened in the gardens. Then he warned me. About last night.’ ‘He warned you,’ said Damen. ‘He said that Nicaise would make me perform before the court and it would be awful, but that if I was brave, something good might come at the end of it.’ Erasmus looked up at Damen curiously. ‘Why do you look surprised?’ ‘I don’t know. I shouldn’t be. He likes to plan things in advance,’ said Damen.” Captive Prince, Chapter 9.

this is the first in-text confirmation we have that laurent has a good heart beneath his layers and layers of trauma-induced lashing out. book one often skeeves people out because of its graphic and, honestly, yes, kind of sexualized depiction of rape, slavery, and depravity, but beneath it all you meet these two protagonists who are going to have all of their most deeply held views about each other challenged. laurent from very early on is shaken to his core when damen refuses to rape nicaise in the ring - it cracks the very foundations of the person he’d built up in his head as this horrible monster who killed his brother in cold blood. and damen keeps defying laurents expectations by being a good person through and through. on the other hand, laurent spends the first part of the book taking out years of anger on damen, but here for the first time we see him do something just because its the kind thing to do. yes, torveld is an ally against his uncle, but laurent has clearly been scheming with him for a while now, and he’s now overlooking his hatred of damen and working with him just because none of the slaves deserve whats happened to them. it’s such a sweet moment.

“One of the other men, eyeing them, approached a moment later. ‘Don’t mind Jean. He’s in a foul mood. He was the one had to stick a sword through the mare’s throat and put her down. The Prince tore strips off him for not doing it fast enough.’” Captive Prince, Chapter Nine.

HORSEY NO- pt 2. this is just another really sweet and sad detail - laurent being so upset that the horse’s death could have been more painless. it must have hurt so much to see her in pain, and to know that the only way for that pain to end was being put down as quickly as possible. i wuv him. im sad

that’s it, though there are still a few more chapters left in the book. this isn’t providing any new information, of course, the path of the three books is to show that laurent isnt the man we meet in book one, that he’s actually sweet, and earnest, and he’s been fighting his own battle practically alone against his abuser since he was fifteen years old. also, the reveal that laurent knew who damianos was from the start makes it clear imo that all of his violence in book 1 was supposed vengence, not... him being evil. he apologizes explicitly in-text, and also, all of the acts of violence he commits cause serious problems for him in terms of his future alliance which he then needs to fix. i just love how layered these books are, how there’s so much information in them that makes rereading almost more fun than reading them for the very first time!

[cherryblossomsno1fan]

part 2 of bsd characters except it's conversations/things me and my friends have said

Chuuya: piss on the principal and say "transphobe" and leave

Fyodor: I heard piss

Dazai: oh. my. god.

Dazai: THIS SERVER ISTG

Fyodor: HELP HAGAHAHHEJSS

Chuuya: HELEPPAFGKOHJ

Dazai: HOW ARE WE ALL OBSESSED WITH PISS

Dazai: FUCK IT. WAR CRIMINALS HAS A PISS KINK.

Fyodor: We are obsessed with piss or making fun kf it

---

Dazai: Make it a soliloquy for when its a rainy day and i want to feel like a badass widower, and then you can cum

Chuuya: hey what the fuck?? its two am

---

Margaret: my humor is dry but my pussy is wet

---

Chuuya: At least I haven’t been called twink here, my old friend used to call me that constantly. Not a bad thing but

Higuchi: isnt a twink something for gay men

Akutagawa: Twink is a weak ass bottom

---

Ranpo: fan behavior

Yosano: growls

Kunikida: not the fan behavior-

---

Dazai: KUNIKIDA WHY WOULD YOU FUCK ME OVER LIKE THIS

Chuuya: heh bottom

Dazai: we both know perfectly well it's not like that.

---

Atsushi: DID YOU JUST CALL ME A TWINK

Akutagawa: are you deaf aside from a coward?

Atsushi: NO PLEAH DID YOU ACTUALLY CALL ME A TWINK

---

Hawthorne: i have to shit so fucking badly but i’m in church

Mark: shit on the pastor

Margaret: IM CRYONG HELPS

Lucy: burn the church.

Steinbeck: arson😩😩😩

Hawthorne: i think i might literally shit my pants

Lucy: burn the church

Steinbeck: burn the church

Hawthorne: it’s like squeezing out my ass hole

Mark: poo on the pastor

Poe: run to the bathroom in all seriousness

Margaret: IM CRYONGE

Hawthorne: i cant their praying rn

Hawthorne: so i can’t really run

Mark: waddle

Margaret: tears will start running out of my eye sockets if you shit yer pants

Lucy: say “UwU pastor sama i have to take a poopoo, please let me go shitty witty in the toilet, I’ll pray to sky daddy tonight nya”

Poe: NO

Mark: NYA?????

Steinbeck: IDEK WHAT TO SAY

Louisa: WHAT IS HAPPENING

Margaret: thats it here comes the tears

Poe: MARGARET'S ACTUALLY CRYING HELP

---

Gin: HC my wifi has a praise kink

Gin: “Such good wifi” Works better

Akutagawa: i have a praise kink

Gin: wha

Akutagawa: i also have a degradation kink

Gin: same

Akutagawa: idk how that works but

---

Margaret: I’m gonna ride Jesus like the wind

---

Dazai probably: it's cunnilingus but for buttholes

---

Kunikida to the ADA talking about someone (for the scenario let's say it's Fyodor):holy shit he is the single most annoying person ever AND IVE MET YOU GUYS

---

Kyouka: fuck you and your privileged shoes!

---

Kenji: the square is the sandwich.

---

Dazai, texting Kunikida: my ass is made out of armadillos.

---

Kunikida: no i'm not gonna write a box of condoms.

---

Q: you made my teeth wiggle! bitch!

---

Yosano: silence twinkymalinky

Ranpo: WHAT'S WITH THE TWINK RELATED INSULTS

---

Dazai: What are you doing step bro

Chuuya: help me get out of this fucking washing machine dazai or so god help me i'm telling mom what a slut you are

---

Chuuya: bitch person

Q: bitch person

Chuuya: yes i can't call you bitchboy you're nonbinary

Q: PLS

Dazai: bitch enby?

Chuuya: no, bitch person

Mori: Bitch human

Kouyou: that would be assuming Q is human

Q: im not sure at this point

Dazai: Bitch god

Chuuya: bitch being

Mori: yeah

---

Atsushi: I hate it here.

Akutagawa: good.

---

Nikolai, as a joke: list of Fyodor's kinks - tear kink - piss kink - scat kink - mold kink - dirty water kink - electricity kink - mommy kink - cockroach toilet flushing kink - marking kink - horse kink - hussie kink

Sigma: jesus christ

Sigma: COCKROACH TOILET FLUSHING KINK?????????

Dazai: sounds about right

Sigma: IDEK WHAT THAT IS

Fyodor: IHY

---

Chuuya: i'd step on someone if they steal from me

Elise: no spray febreeze in their eyes

Gin: no you gotta K.O them

Higuchi: i dont like confrontation but i dont mind having to use violence

Hirotsu: im pretty sure the devil is scared of you

---

Ranpo: genuinely think that the one lyric in the song up by cardi b is "i said my face bomb ass tight rack stuck and shat light" bc i haven't looked up the actual lyrics and at this point i don't think that looking them up will stop me from continuing to sing these lyrics.

Yosano: you.

Yosano: ok

---

Lucy: ok 2013 humor i didnt ask for your input

Atsushi: what else am i supposed to say?? good for you?? break a leg?? don't die?? what the fuck

---

Ranpo: we ate ,,, lamp

Ranpo: *lamb

Poe: l

Poe: lanp

Ranpo: ??

Poe: lap

Ranpo: lamnpl

Ranpo: we ate goat

---

Tetchou: psst

Jouno: Oh no

Tetchou: gay

Jouno: What about it

Tetchou: nothing just gay

Jouno: Stares

Jouno: Same

---

Tachihara: i have never had boba

Tachihara: it looks funky

Gin: It tastes amazing

Tachihara: do you like swallow the balls or bite them

Gin: Either way

Tachihara: shit that sounds weird out of context

---

Yosano: it's wonky! it is- it's fucking wonky! none of this is straight and i can relate to that!

---

Louisa: my only experience with boba was when i once went into a boba shop and ordered,,, coffee

Poe: You

Poe: What

Louisa: yeah,,,

Poe: WHY COFFEE

Louisa: ok so kind of a long story

Louisa: i was in a coffee shop before but i accidentally ordered a drink that wasn't coffee but i wasn't gonna ask my friends to go back to the coffee place to get coffee and they wanted to go get boba so i saw there that they also had coffee and i was like "Oh i'm gonna get that"

Louisa: it tasted like black tea with milk

Louisa: not coffee

Louisa: so it was an absolute scam

[letteredlettered]

hi! ive been following your writing for a few years now and i drop by periodically to check if you have anything new posted, and im really surprised that you seem to be enjoying the untamed? im curious what you think about the show - its story and characters, the acting, the production, etc. idk if you know, but the untamed is the most successful example of a current trend in chinese entertainment, where popular online novels centered around a gay romance is adapted into a 'safe' drama.

continued:

due to the many explicit and implicit restrictions imposed on creative media in china, many crucial plot points have to be changed (often badly) or removed, including the nature of the relationship between the main characters. the untamed is considered the most loyal adaptation so far, but like all other works in the genre, it received criticism for weak acting and queerbaiting. that's why im really curious about what you think of the show as it is, as itself, free from its context.

if you're interested, you could also check out guardian! it features much better performance and chemistry by the leads imo, but the story was heavily botched bc the original incorporates and reinvents a lot of classic chinese folklore beautifully and stuff like that is considered disrespectful and not-pc. i think it's really sad how so many great pieces of writing with complex world-building and plotlines are simplified into... idek what to call them, but just, less than what they are.

im sorry this turned into a rant. as a mainland chinese person with oh so many frustrations about our current society, it's hard to comprehensively describe my feelings about the untamed's popularity. it's the first mainland chinese show/movie to gain this much organic interest abroad so i should be glad? but, but. anyway, yes, im sorry.

There’s no need to apologize for ranting, but I admit to some confusion as to whether you want your question addressed or the rant. Because I’m me and tend to be thorough, I’ll address everything, in reverse order.

First of all, I’m sorry that this show is sad to you. I’m sorry that the popularity of it is difficult. I’m also deeply sympathetic to your frustrations about your society, as I too am deeply frustrated by my own.

Secondly, yes, I’m aware of the context of The Untamed. I’m aware that the book it’s based on is a BL novel, and that, in order to align with Chinese politics, overt queerness was erased from the adaptation. I’m aware of the censure laws of gay media in China. I’m also aware that some aspects of necromancy and morality were adjusted to make the show more palatable for general audiences, but I’m fuzzier on those details. Lastly, I’m aware that the popularity of the show calls attention to certain things, such as fanfic, and that attention results in more censorship,

The fact of this erasure and this censure provokes a lot of questions: by consuming this product, which contains erasure and censure, do we engage in the erasure and censure? By posting gifs and writing fanfic and talking about this product, do we increase its popularity, thereby encouraging additional erasure and censure? By increasing the popularity of this product, do we diminish the popularity of the original gay morally gray canon, thereby decreasing representation? Do we discourage other authors in China from writing explicitly gay morally gray material? In short, are we allowed to enjoy this media?

I don’t know the answer to these questions. However, I do know that boycott is a very effective tool when it can inflict economic pain on the producer, or when it can exert pressure on an entity to change. That said, I feel like a lot of the calls to boycott certain media these days are a lot like telling people to stop driving their cars to stop climate change: it’s suggesting that individuals can solve the problem, which presupposes individuals are the problem, and therefore fails to address the scope of the problem, or present the possibility of a real solution. Not watching The Untamed isn’t going to change laws about portrayals of homosexuality onscreen in China, partly because the laws in China are a much bigger problem.

The other part of it is that The Untamed is coded queer, so if you run a successful boycott against it, you end up with . . . less queer TV. I know a whole lot less about China than I do about the Hays Code, but if you had told gay people during the Golden Age of Hollywood that they couldn’t enjoy movies that were coded queer because they weren’t explicitly queer, they’d have said you were crazy. In fact, many people will tell you that media that was coded queer was a big reason we got more explicit queer stuff later. And as I’m sure you’re aware, the US is still fighting that battle . . . partly because it wants to sell movies to China.

So then there’s a question about whether me, an American in the US, liking something coded queer from China but not explicitly queer--does that encourage Chinese censorship? Should I only support texts that are explicitly queer? But the answer is the same--it’s not addressing the scope of the problem, and by supporting texts that are coded queer, you could be paving the way in the future for something brighter.

But you weren’t talking about boycott! You were talking about your discomfort with the popularity with this show, which I accept. I understand feeling uncomfortable. I can only hope it makes you a bit more comfortable to know that plenty of fans are deeply aware of the context and do wrestle with the question of what liking this show means in the context of a society that would never allow aspects of the original to be portrayed onscreen.

Thirdly, I’m not against trying Guardian at some point, but by comparing the acting and chemistry of the leads to The Untamed, I feel like you prove our tastes are very different in these regards. I love the acting of the leads in The Untamed; I found their chemistry off the charts. It’s okay you don’t feel the same.

Lastly, you asked my opinion of The Untamed: its story and characters, the acting, the production, sans context of the canon upon which its based and censorship laws in China.

a. I love the overall story, but the plot has deep plot holes. Quite a few segments do not actually make sense to me, because the plot is so haywire. However, I’ve never cared that much about plot, except when it gets in the way of characters and themes, and for the most part, this plot serves its characters and themes, except when the parts they leave out are so confusing that I cannot follow the story. As for the story, it feels like it’s built for me, because ultimately it’s about moral decisions and how to make them; it’s about guilt and paying for mistakes; it’s about learning, changing your mind, and remaking yourself. Really, I’m not sure there are many stories I love more--except they killed my favorite character, and I almost quit. So, that certainly put a damper on things.

b. I love the characters most of all, although the villains are really two-dimensional. However, large parts of the plot are not Hero vs Villain, they’re Hero vs Society, and then some Hero vs Himself in a way that suggests the Hero is no longer a hero. I could talk about the characters forever, but suffice it to say I think they’re really strong. Also, the relationships are really exquisite, particularly when it comes to family dynamics. Unfortunately, they killed my favorite character off. Also unfortunately, there are six women in this show, only two of them are main characters, and every single one of them dies. It disgusts me.

c. I think the two leads are exceptional, in particular Xiao Zhan . . . when he’s not being too broad, which he is quite a bit. However, I do wonder how much of this is direction and production style, because in many instances, he’s quite subtle, and the choices he makes are astounding. Then there are times where it’s like they needed more footage, or wanted to drive home a point, and he turns on the extra, and it’s awful. It could just be him, but I actually feel it’s the case with most of the actors, which does make me think it’s a directing issue. Meng Ziyi never really has that problem though, because she is the most perfect of all. But then take He Peng, who I actually thought could be incredible, but every scene was just SO BROAD that I began to feel sorry for the poor dude having to act that part. But there is nothing to be said for Wang Zhuo Cheng, who really is just terrible, which is sad, because it’s a great part.

d. Production-wise, it’s really hit and miss. So much of the locations are truly beautiful. A lot of the costumes are too, unless the shot is too close. I actually don’t mind the wigs; I love the long hair. The CGI is terrible. And then while a lot of the shots are beautiful, some of them are awkward, and the pacing is really difficult, imo. It really seems like they wanted to drag it out, and there are so, so many scenes where I’m sort of embarrassed that we’re in the same scene or that we’re still looking at someone’s face, or that everyone is just standing there waiting for the shot to finally end.

I will say that film is a language that does differ from culture to culture. It could be that both the broadness of the acting and the awkwardness of the editing are my cultural lens based on American and a lot of western film. When I watched older Hollywood films, the acting is a lot more broad and maybe a little less “true” feeling, but I understand that it’s not the case everyone in the past was a bad actor. It was just a different style, so I’m not sure I’m equipped with the cultural knowledge of Chinese acting, cinematography, and editing to be able to really judge the value of these things.

I do know how I feel, which is that the editing is the biggest hurdle for me while watching the show. However, I feel that the beauty of it makes up for a lot, and the strength of the characters and themes really carries it.

I hope I addressed your points adequately, and I wish you well.

[thisdreamplace]

Hi, what would you (or a general person) think/feel/act like if they were happily employed with a major paycheck?

I'm asking coz i feel blockage when I try to imagine living in the state of this manifestation. Fears of being incompetent at interviews and unable to answer questions properly or rambling crop up when I try to even imagine having that amazing job

Worse, I mean not worse, coz ik circumstances shouldn't matter, thing is idk idek the specifics of the ideal company or ideal job post of my desire

Ik I want eg:

an exorbitant salary (financial independence), even tho I fear I won't be able to negotiate at all (I'm not exactly a bargainer)

a role of responsibility where i can learn from the higher ups while inspiring those below, with a level of autonomy

Work that's not tedious or repetitive

So on and so forth

Even tho I don't have much job xp (again, Im prolly invalidating myself here, coz the fact is, I've come to realise even if I win a Nobel Prize, I'll keep feeling I haven't done 'enough'), I do have amazing, hard-as-hell-to-get qualifications (and again... I feel I'm not enough like wth whyyy? ;_; I've met so many people who've got half of these qualifications yet they're more confident and can actually flaunt that while I feel, not like an imposter, but ig worthless when compared)

The worst is Ive always freaking felt it in my bones I'm worthy of a higher role than my current self can achieve (by current self I'm referring to the fact that I do have issues eg nightmare interviews in the past hovering over me, beliefs of being incompetent or unqualified or being unable to answer difficult questions (since I was a child, I've been told, disparagingly alas, that I'm only 'book smart' and could only ace studies by 'rote learning', which is untrue. In fact thanks to that, I actually developed a memory issue whereby I'm unable to memorize stuff easily (btw one of my secrets to academic success has been understanding concepts, mind mapping it all mentally, having a solid grip over foundations etc. Ok I digressed) anyhow, I really do feel unprepared to answer questions (in fact one of my fears is being asked an intrusive question (like hey, why are you eg so pimply? (Btw I'm not, this is just an example) in front of everyone and being at the center of attention in that way 😱) so yeah, I hope you can sense the myriad of beliefs holding me back (and sometimes I feel nauseated to even think of 'facing' these beliefs or fears. Like, it's as I wrote to u rn that I realised I fear looking incompetent, except this case is so severe coz I feel like it's worthless if it's not done perfectly (or as near perfect))

So how do I manifest here? Hell, my mind starts hurting if I assert: okay, let's at least prepare, no, at least LOOK at a job interview question

Ik the Law says I can assume anything and that'll work. So how do I assume I'm, y'know, a confident gal who does not have the aforementioned state of mind? Or how do I defuse the root issues linked to childhood/past stuff? Or better yet, what state should I focus on assuming/taking on? I have no idea how to start. And thanks to analysis paralysis (it took me years to acknowledge this even) I'll end up prolly doing nothing then another month will pass by with me doing nothing and then I'll type another frenzied ask

PS: yep, Im aware of the self concept topic, but I hope u can shed some light on this specific matter at hand, kinda customized?

Ty

😰

So to begin with, scratch everything and literally focus on your self-esteem and your concept of self. No, you don't need a good self esteem to manifest, but I'm really passed pretending like it should be optional. Every one of us deserves to feel good about ourselves, for ourselves. And you're holding yourself back so much by not allowing yourself to feel good about who you are. I mean, you list how accomplished you are and yet it's still not good enough for you?

It's confusing because if you felt in your bones you were worthy of something better, how can you sit there and but yourself down so easily? Your reality is giving you what you actually feel worthy of. And it's not what you desire.

You're the only one holding yourself in this story. You know the law says everything is happening now, meaning all desired experiences and versions of yourself are available to you now. You tap into them by using your imagination and dwelling there. So, stop sticking yourself to this story that doesn't help you. You feel unprepared because you keep saying so. You keep replaying this memory of things going badly, when in reality there's not even a past. You're the one keeping it alive by being so consumed by it and thinking it's so real. But see, the past only exists in your mind. It doesn't exist elsewhere. And just like with everything else in our mind, we have the power to decide what is and is not so.

Plus, the comparison game has got to come to an end. Everyone is you pushed out anyway. A win for one person, is a win for all. Who are you comparing yourself to, besides a reflection in the mirror? There's no point. The more you let go of the old way of thinking and allow yourself to remember more and more who you truly are, the easier it'll be to let go of wanting to compare yourself all the time. It's literally your reality. It's your world and everyone else is just living in it. Seriously. You're literally at the center of your world. You're at the heart of it all, there is no one else but self.

Self concept isn't something to push to the side. I notice a lot of people know about it and then go, "ehh but what else is there?" Like, I did the same thing. And that's why my journey was full of detours when I could have just went straight to my destination.

How do you do this? Well, you do have some idea of who you want to be. I mean, I'm guessing you want to be the opposite of every undesirable trait/experience you mentioned? So therefore, (if you want to write it down, please do), you need to decide the mindset you want to focus on manifesting within yourself. Let the outer world be for a bit, it's time to focus on you and only you. Here's an article that gives an example of how to get clear on the version of you that you want to embody.

And then once you get clear on that, really, the only task you have is to wake up everyday and thrive to focus on keeping that mindset. Sure you might slip up, sure some days you may not do well keeping it at all, but it doesn't matter. You keep persisting and it gets easier and becomes your new normal.

You see, I like how Dylan James says manifesting is not a trying process because it makes sense. For example, you didn't try to end up with the experiences you have surrounding career right now. However, you manifested it due to your concept of self. Change your conception of self and without trying, that perfect career you desire will find you. It can be that simple. But we have to allow it to be. Plus, you really only need to focus on yourself. You don't need to have a list that consists of your must-haves in a job, or anything. (Unless you truly like to make lists like that.) Because the truth is, our desires are from God. Therefore, we never need to worry about telling our Godself what we want. Our Godself already knows. So if you are unclear, you can trust you'll be lead exactly where you want to go. Being specific or being general makes no difference and it's okay to approach manifesting with either one. You'll always come out successful no matter what. But the change begins within. There is no one to change but self.

Hopefully this is helpful! You got this! 💖

[crying-overit-all]

ok because i really just need to rant 😭😭

i literally cannot with my wench of a math teacher. and she cant with me either so at least thats mutual but she seriously has issues... she has a superiority complex/power complex idk which is the right term to describe it, but she takes advantage of every single aspect of power she has. she has the power to give us detention, so she does so whenever you dont complete homework or get any of the problems wrong. she uses her power over of us students to her advantage to talk to us however she wants. shes condescending and talks to us like we are still five years old. she can be pretty manipulative as well. im not exactly sure if thats the right word to use, but she will be yelling her lungs out one moment, or just give off a bitchy attitude, and the next moment she'll compliment you on something. but no matter what, she is always giving us fake positivity. idk how it came up, but today i heard her say "it doesnt matter where you go to school, you can get a good education from anywhere as long as you pay attention and do what you're told" BYEE WHAT 💀💀 i just dont believe in being obedient so of course i have lots of problems with school already. hearing that "advice" she was giving just made me so angry, and i still am obviously since its been at least five hours and im still thinking about it. but thats exactly what she wants us to do. she wants us to bow down to her and clean her fucking shoes with our tongues without questioning it and teach it as "respect". today in class this guy "talked back" to her and she was like "do you talk to your mommy like that" and the guy responded, "yea". in response, she said "youre so lucky you arent my kid". and that entire conversation was just so uncalled for ??? shes fucking awful to her own elementary school aged children as well. berating your kid for the most stupidest shit like "messy handwriting" has got to be some form of psychological abuse because what the actual fuck. making your kids take math tests every damn day is pretty weird too. like damn. just let them be kids. idk what kids do these days anymore but just let them be. idek why she tells us these stories either. they have absolutely no significance and are just irrelevant. listening to her talk about teaching her kids how to obey to her just reminds me of my piece of shit father. anyways, i think the worse thing ive seen her do was ealier today during the beginning of class when she started touching a girls braids. she was just holding them in her hands and asking odd questions, and my eyes were wide open in shock and under my mask, my jaw was dropped. the girl looked over at me, and clearly looked over uncomfortable. i felt horrible. you just shouldnt be touching anyones hair in general, but i know that many people with afro textured hair feel uncomfortable when others touch their hair. it was just really rude of her to do that. anyways, i want to swtich out of her class so badly but im too scared to talk to my counselor about this. its hilarious how ive only heard bad things about her, but there isnt really anything good to say about her unless your her teachers pet or TA or whatever. one of my friends is a TA for her, and my friend did not have anything good to say about her either 💀 my friend told me that the teacher was trying to gossip about other students with her ??? my friend told me word for word "thats embarrassing". because it is. what fucking grown ass adult goes to gossip about a child with another child PLS...

[pinkadork]

I am psychically unwell and idk what to do about it, I wanna be a good person, for me and towards him i want him to know how much he means to me but not be weird, i wish i wasnt such a fucking tool all the goddamn time.

I miss being able to call him Bun. Be cute with him

And i cant even explain that noe because it'll fuck the vibe, it'll keep being me not respecting boundaries, i hate that when i see him or him or think too much about him i get the spins damn near, my chest is burning like it did when i was 18 and we were just kinda flirting the whole time, but also actually talking, about what interests us and shit. I hate knowing i killed his flame, my flame, our flame, i hate knowing that i can't even try to get towards some kind of relationship rn because im too fucked up of a person and csnt keep my own emotions in check. I wanna hug from him so badly. I wanna tell him i love him and hear him say it back. I wanna hold his hand, rest my head on his shoulders, peck him on the forehead.

I hate hiw now its just

"I understand, its hard, etc"

I'm goign to respect it regardless but god this shit be tearing me to pieces and then i feel like its like "ummm okay, but like idk lol"

Idek why i bother trying to write this shit out anymore, i could kms tonight and it'd just be a sad thing that happened but yknow life goes on right?