#im gonna get better and if someone doesnt fix me i will fix me

[craycraybluejay]

sex and hormone therapy and killing my abusers and doing hard drugs will fix me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[sludgeguzzler]

i figured it out i cracked the code

[be-good-to-bugs]

AAAAH forever stress is going to kill me one day

[audiovisualrecall]

Laying in bed feeling depressed

[splatoonmaster69]

.

[miuszn]

Ok i Just found my new fav writer 🤍so i NEED to ask this ( do It only if you want)

What about an ellie x fem!reader where they go out on Patrol ,they run into a lot of zombies of every type , ellie gets bit and reader sees It so now ellie needs to explain the whole immunity thing and reader believes her ,

They go back to Jackson where Joel (lets Say he skipped golf lessons this time) finds out and freaks out and gets mad at ellie cause She wasnt supposed to tell anyone so he wants ellie to break up with reader but ellie doesnt want to so they fight and ellie goes back to reader for comfort

Its up to you if Joel and ellie fix this whole argument thing

(also Sorry if my english Is perfect🤍)

hiii anon <33 first of all i’m so honored u consider me ur fav writer i never expected to get so much love from the community so fast im rlly grateful to all of u hehe <33 . anyway , i rlly love ur idea !! i decided to write a short drabble instead because i’m working on another fic but i still wanna post some stuff while i’m working on that , hope ur fine w that 🥹🩷 ( note : this is an alternate universe where ellie already forgave joel and they were starting to fix their relationship .. also this might be kinda ooc especially joel bc i’ve never written him before eheh )

— 𓆩♥︎𓆪 —

you weren’t sure how it happened. you were only gone for a second, you swore, and somehow ellie got bit. you knew it was a bad idea to leave her in a room full of clickers, but you knew she was strong and should’ve been able to clear them out with ease. the second you saw the small bite mark on her hand, you realized what had happened. your heart sank. in a panic, you burst into tears and kept apologizing over and over for about 15 minutes until ellie was able to calm you down and explained to you that she’s immune, leaving out the details of the whole situation with joel and the fireflies. of course, you didn’t believe her. it seemed ridiculous. how the hell would someone be immune and not be out there in some lab being researched or whatever, like in movies?

it took you a while to believe her, but eventually, you did. you helped wrap her hand with bandages so no one would see the note mark, because the less people knew, the better.

you were distraught for the rest of the day. you felt horrible. she kept telling you there’s no need to keep apologizing, but you still felt the need to. what if that had been someone else? what if ellie wasn’t immune? how the hell was she immune in the first place? so many questions ran through your head.

later that night, you laid awake still thinking about today. you were disappointed with yourself for what you did, yet still so confused.

you heard some knocking on your window, and looked out to see ellie. you opened your window and let her in. she sat on your bed next to you.

“what’re you doing here?” you asked.

“just wanted to check on you,” she replied, “and. uh. joel’s kinda mad.”

you were confused. you wondered how he even found out, but it’s like she read your mind and answered.

“i told him about what happened today. just casually. and he completely lost it.”

— 𓆩♥︎𓆪 —

“i can’t believe that girl let you get bit.” joel wasn’t even looking ellie in the eye. he was extremely disappointed in both of you.

“it wasn’t her fuckin’ fault, joel! i didn’t think anything bad would happen either! if you’re gonna blame anyone, blame me-“

“i’m blamin’ the both of you! what the fuck did you think was gonna happen back there? leaving you in a room full of clickers to fend for yourself? now one more person knows about you bien’ immune and all. god knows if she can even keep a secret.”

“what the fuck makes you think shes just gonna tell everyone? she’s not like that at all. why the hell are you acting like you don’t know that-“

“why the hell are you actin’ like that girl’s any good for you? all she does is get you into trouble.”

ellie went silent. she was shocked at how different he was acting. all this time he had been so nice to you, not once showing a sign of not trusting you or disliking you. she was conflicted, and in the heat of the moment, she just turned around and left, fuming with anger. she was starting to wonder if joel was actually right, but realized that was such a stupid thought. the worst part is, she wasn’t even sure if he meant it. now she didn’t know what to do. just as they were starting to fix things, life threw another curveball at them.

— 𓆩♥︎𓆪 —

you were hurt by what ellie was saying. his words just further fueled the thoughts in the back of your mind saying that this was all your fault. but ellie realized this and tried her best to comfort you. she kept saying it wasn’t your fault, that she fucked up too, that she’s sure he didn’t mean it and he was just angry. while you were hurt by his words, that wasn’t your main concern. you thought about how this incident just further damaged their already broken bond that they’ve been trying to fix these days. you felt like because of you, all that progress was thrown away in less than 24 hours. and it was an ugly feeling. you felt even worse than you did before, and you didn’t know what to do.

“ellie..” you placed your hand on hers, “i’m sorry.” you started to tear up.

“hey..” she pulled you close and hugged you.

“it’s just.. i don’t know what exactly happened with you and joel. you don’t have to tell me. and everything is getting better now and i’m just scared i’ve ruined it and i just-“

“hey,” she interrupted you, “don’t worry about that, okay? it’s not your fault. i’ll.. i’ll figure it out. you don’t have to worry about me and joel. we’ll be fine.”

“are you going to forgive him for it?”

“i’m not sure,” she sighed. “if he didn’t mean it, maybe. but if he did, i doubt i can.”

“i don’t want you to lose progress with him just because of me..”

“we’ll be fine. please.. just.. stop worrying, okay?”

you nodded hesitantly.

while the guilt of possibly extending the process of ellie’s forgiveness of joel would continue to exist within you, at least for as long as it took her to finally reconcile with him, you were grateful to have her by your side. and you were sure to be with her every step of the way.

[mooncheese3]

au wherein in a bid to further unite the sect, yqy sets up boards that are kind of like padlet, where everyone can put a random thought on the board, and everyone can chip in their own thoughts, etc etc

at first the notes were all formal— disciples requesting for things to be sent to their peak, comments about broken fences that needed to be fixed, reminders— but then gradually it became this free-for-all place for everyone to air out their grievances and/or gushings

this is when the xian shu girls take over

by this point the board is half full of ramblings about romance and tension between seemingly random people

and then someone starts talking about the peak lords

in the beginning it was a harmless little

"peak lord shang is a very good shizun :)"

but, kids being kids, someone started to get really competative.

"ACTUALLY our bai zhan war god is a way better shizun"

"liu shibo? No Offense but what does he Actually teach you--being a reckless monkey who cant go a day without breaking something? ',://"

"YOU QINGJING RAT COWARDS ARE NOT SUBTLE AT LEAST MY SHIZUN ISNT A JERK"

the one who wrote the third one wasnt Actually a qingjing disciple. theyre more creative with their insults than that; shizun would be dissapointed. it was an anding kid who was sick and tired of rebuilding and restocking baizhan all the time. they werent gonna admit it tho, thatd be dumb

(un)luckily, the fight is flawlessly curbed when someone writes

"ੈ✩‧₊˚Whenever shen shibo and liu shibo fight, it kind of reminds me of my grandpa and grandma LOLੈ✩‧₊˚"

"Waht are you implying, anonymous bro?"

"✧.*All im saying is that maybe theyre not /just/ enemies, if yk what i mean :3 ✧.*"

"What"

"Enlightened shimei/shidi above, do remember that baizhan train in the body, not the mind. 🤧"

"Wtah."

anyway it gets so bad the peak lords had to bring it up at a pl meeting

ALSO AU OF THIS AU WHEREIN THE BOARD HAPPENS DURING LIUJIU’S DISCIPLE TIME

lqg gets the “im gay?” realization bc of the board. specifically he gets the “im gay for sqq?” realization. so ofc he goes to his sister lmy for help (she is three years old). from her baby talk, he gets “practice your confession ge !!” (“prac ifff copesion? ge :D”), so he does just that. but he realizes early on that hes REALLY bad at this romance talking thing, so with great reluctance asks TheBoard for help—anonymously, duh.

“How Do I Confess To Someone.”

what lqg doesnt realize is that his handwriting is very distinct. Bold, Strong, and Harsh characters, with the downwards strokes narrowing from a wide start to a thin point as sharp as cheng luan? yep. thats head disciple liu right there.

“GODS ABOVE HELP US ITS HAPPENING ITS REALLY HAPPENING !!!! ︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶”

“?”

“What shidi/shimei means is that you should properly organize your thoughts first. Truly think about what you want to say; be honest!🙌”

“Anything More?”

“༄ؘ ۪۪۫۫ ▹▫◃ ۪۪۫۫ ༄ؘ yes. one moment, me and my shimeis are making a list for disciple to use ₍ ᐢ.ˬ.ᐢ₎˚୨୧”

it snowballs from there. in the end the liujiu confession happens in public (how mortifying! -sqq, in his head after), and a full transcript is posted on the board later in the day. theres also life-like drawings of the confrontation, kind of like a courtroom sketch

[getosbf]

I saw some people talking about yuumori character sexualities and just wanted to add my own headcanons <33

Sherlock: see now, we all know sherlock has been explicitly stating his... Repulsion (yes, not "oh im not attracted to them" straight up repulsion at the thought of being in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with them)

And im not saying sherlock is misogynistic. He has been seen very happily helping women with their cases. And might i add that on the Noahtic, while everyone was prancing around with a lady on his arm, sherlock was standing in the corner. Even though he was also with ladies he was CLEARLY in it only for their appreciation of him. Because you see, Sherlock is a clever man. He saw these bunch of women who had no one to dance with and was aware that they would be head over heels for his skills. And he was probably sent to the Noahtic by mycroft, so why not pass some time and get some praise?

But as soon as he met Liam he felt an instant obsession connection. Not necessarily romantic, but this is where that japanese feeling that i forgot the name of comes in. The feeling of meeting someone and instantly knowing that while you dont feel anything now, you could potentially be dynamic (is that the correct word, for sherliam i think it is)

And as i said and will say again, sherlock is a clever man. Of course he's not gonna sit around sexually frustrated, when he can easily use his charms and skills to find the right people. But as per literally canon, until he met Liam he didnt feel romantic (that comes later though, first was obsession) "attraction".

Conclusion? Gay demiromantic.

William: now while william never had a "repulsion" to women, I'd say he quite literally has a repulsion to any idea of a romantic relationship at all. He looked at london and got his "lemme fix that" hyperfixation game so heavy that he forgot he was alive most of the times. That man falls asleep on random occasions at literally anywhere at any time because he avoids sleep for his plans. Do you expect him to have any sort of romantic or sexual relationship? No, sir.

Then waltzes in Sherlock. Like i said, instant obsession. Though for William, that japanese feeling never came. While he was always hoping for a different reality where he and sherlock could be together, he never acknowledged his feelings enough to let himself feel something.

But talking about sexual attraction, while i do firmly believe Liam doesnt feel it for the better part of his life, he did start to feel some things a while after meeting sherlock. He fucking KNEW what he was doing with that "catch me if you can, mr holmes~" I think it surprised him too, all this strange emotions trickling in slowly after years of not feeling anything.

Conclusion? Demisexual AND demiromantic.

John: thought he was straight, but you all have seen his reaction to irene when they dressed up as the king of bohamia right? I'd say bisexual, but he's still learning to embrace that part of his identity. And even when he does embrace it, i dont think he's gonna do anything about it. Cuz like cmon, its 19th century London. Do you think he'll damn himself by loving a man when he is capable of what most people like him are not (to love someone of the opposite gender)? But I DO think he had a crush on louis for a while but i think that just for shits and giggles hehe

Louis: aroace. No questions asked. He loves in a very... Devotional way. Like liam and possibly albert, he has an unbreakable attachment to them. His love for their found family? He is soooo aro ace coded.

Albert: wineromantic. bisexual disaster.

Moran: pansexual just cuz. He loves his women but he has had something with albert and possibly james that is simply not heterosexual. And he was in the army cmon if there's a hole there's a goal

James: pansexual BECAUSE, hear me out, he had known this since he was a teenager. Which is why it took him until he got to Moriarty's to realise he actually wants to be a man. He had known men love him, so he was styling his hair and wearing tight corsets. He had known women loved him, so he was putting on disguises to kiss and snog. I think he was just so comfortable in his identity he never felt the need to be the opposite gender. But he was and, well, we're happy for our boy.

Fred: ace, maybe demi, and genderfluid. I might be projecting on the genderfluid part here but can you blame me? He/they pronouns.

Jack: he's above such measly attractions (idk maybe he was young he could have had something but idk anything while looking at him now)

Mycroft: gay gay homosexual gay. No straight man spends 30 minutes every morning putting pomade in his hair (hiding a part of your identity, already? Huh myckey?)

Miss hudson: straight because she didn't feel any (okay maybe somewhat) attraction to irene but when she met JAMES ouahahahaha

Herder: married to the grind 💪💪💪 making love to the game 💯💯💯 he only loves one thing and thats his craft 🔥🔥🔥

Just kidding he definitely has something gay going on

Billy: he has some WAY GAYER going on. Have never seen him interact with women (how gay) so i can't say much but he definitely gives bi/leaning on gay vibes

[beaulesbian]

more mike gets vecna’d and will has powers theory, that i cant stop thinking about. long post ahead

(bear with me, its a bit chaotic, just like my thoughts)

first they thought it was about the place - the trailer park, but max mentions chrissy was crying in school. which means it wasnt fixed to the place. so even if mike is in cali, it could have already somehow work on him, and maybe will have more effect once he comes back to hawkins.

what he already has in common with the other victims - possible negative emotions.

ofc given the situation mike could have been just upset with what he saw that el did to angela, as well as being upset bc he found out from will that el has been lying to him. as well as will being upset with him too about the lack of communication between them (and mike back at him - they could have both dealt better with the calling/writing to each other throughout the year).

but also this:

and im not sure if its just a coincidence or finn doing this accidentally,

but given it was actually mike who saw this happen to max (when they both didnt know the cause or that its a much worse problem), im taking it as some kind of foreshadowing,

and another foreshadowing could be with the d&d game they play in 4x1, and mike’s character going down - they could be dead, OR could be just at 0 hit points, which mean... someone needs to save him/stabilize him still after defeating vecna

they will need someone to break the curse, defeat the wizard part of vecna.

and then maybe someone with healing powers, maybe a certain cleric (will) 👀

“ Clerics are powerful healers due to the large number of healing and curative magics available to them. With divinely-granted abilities over life or death, they are also able to repel or control undead creatures “

where if he does have some kind of powers, he could do something against the supposed undead army, thats been mentioned multiple time throughout the show.

imagine:

vecna attacks mike, they desperately try to rescue him, but what if his favorite song doesnt work, eleven fails trying to defeat vecna, but then will gets into upside down either through the connection he still has?

and he finds mike, and what vecna is trying to do to him, illusions and nightmares all around, its horrible, and he sees how much mike is scared and terrified.

and will does what he does best - he reassures, he offers a comfort that in that moment mike desperately needs, maybe in just a way of saying ‘im here, its gonna be okay, we are getting you out of here, just hold on.”

and he attacks vecna... with a fireball!

(bc although “he could have cast protection and play it safe”,  “sometimes the bad guys are smart too”)

drawing fireballs with green instead of red, could mean its just the opposite color on the spectrum - or the upside down version of red.

i rest my case with:

LET WILL CAST FIREBALL ON VECNA!

[miikpal]

Heya, Milk! You got any advice for somebody who wants to start taking commissions but doesnt know where to start? I been drawing for a while (about 10 years), but I never tried selling my art before. It's kinda scary. I don't need a lot of money right now, so it's not urgent, ive just heard people say it's good experience. Is it worth trying at all rn? Sorry if you answered something like this before

no worries!! i dont think anyones asked me about this stuff before tbh... im in a similiar boat where i dont really do these out of necessity lol its definitely worth it!! if u thought about it even briefly its worth it to try

its been a hot minute since ive first started taking comms but i guess these would do for starters:

- your following might affect comm interest - i would only get very sporadic ones for the longest time unless i undersold (DO NOT DO THIS GET UR MONEYS WORTH) so dont get discouraged at first is what im saying. get ur pals to promo the announcement posts and put urself out there and eventually someone will get interested

- you can start small and lowkey. if u wanna just dip your toes in the commissions water before doing full blown pieces its absolutely ok to start with doodle or sketch comms. they tend to be cheaper and attract client bases that way anyway - so its a win win! low stakes and you can slowly figure out what works for you

- for the love of god make a TOS. having a document of things that are and arent allowed that u can point at whenever somebody tries to pull a fast one on you is a lifesaver. mines really thorough but i like to cover all the bases

- pretty much at every step where youd think 'going back to fix something after this part would be a pain in the ass' stop and send the progress to ur client and ask if anythings off or needs fixing before you keep going. better safe than sorry. in general be communicative and upfront about any info with ur commissioner - its a nice thing to do and will make both of ur lives easier!

- make sure ur comm post includes clear examples of the kind of art u can offer - this is gonna be the forefront that attracts ppls attention! they should know what theyll be getting

- set up a comm only email or a google form for taking in comms its. much easier to keep track of things this way. actual communication can go somewhere else but its good to have a single place just for the actual initial inquiries etc.

I RAN MY MOUTH LOL. if u have other specific questions feel free to ask for a follow up i suppose!! these are just the ones i wish i thought of when i first started. i hope ur commissions journey goes well, im rooting for ya !!!!!!!

[infernothechaosgod]

Should I make a video essay about epic mickey? (Rewrite)

i already made this post once but Im rewritting it becuse It looked too much like someone else's take And I have much more to say now that I thought about this post longer

So as we all know Theres alot of epic mickey video essays on youtube however alot of them Are beasicly Roasting the game as if it was made in 2023 in this weirdly sugarcoded way so you'll feel bad for liking the game but you'll also hear good stuff about it so you'll FEEL like it's good critisism but trust me its just the complement sandwitch

(complement sandwitch is when someone gives you a complement and Then critisism either deserved or not then another complement so you'll feel better...but it doesnt work too well with bad critisism lmao)

Theres alot takes about how The game doesnt look good enough and Im like...Good people, IT WERE 2010s! What do you expect? Not only computers could handle less then but also making games was VERY DIFFRENT and you never should come to a game from 2010s with expectations of good graphic, seriously never, Modeling and such were also very diffrent

Now I say I agree with some things The game could be a bit darker I think a bigger exploration of how oswald or anyone in fact feels about being forgotten Could be great, like it's horrifying and oswald Went from very beloved by audience to fully forgotten in a very short amount of time for a toon Also some concept arts Imo should make it into game and enemies could look creepier, also the morality system could be more effective like there could be a line saying "you notice oswald looks around more than usualy...prehaps he's looking if there are any witnesses around" Or something like that Like mickey litellary has a weapon capeable of erasing you from reality but also capeable of making beautiful things and fixing peoples problems i could argue it deserves more exploration

But the thing is...the game is amazing

It is, I hate most things from my childhood now becuse I went through critique era that im semi still in and I revisited things from my childhoot and most of them sucked lmao (being a writer I just cried from dissapointed sometimes) but epic mickey? It was still amazing, and 2d parts to this day look GORGEOUS The story is great and I do agree that the oryginal plot for second part should have stayed but it got replaced by a Still good idea

Also its so SO creative! It uses the fact the characters are cartoons to its fullest really theres no other game that I know of where you go into old projectors and where you can paint and erase your sorounding with accualy good explanation The mage was creative as hell its amazing

Also

The whole time you play youre suppoust to play for the plot not for the "gamer experience" Becuse it may suprise you but You dont HAVE to get all the pins and tickets, you can for fun But no one is forcing you to and whining about how long it took to 100% the game is not a good critique, you did this to yourself bro

The reviews or essays are often beasicly copypasted from eachother, I watched like 4 essays and reviews but it felt like one dude talking in 4 diffrent voices and repeating himself it's baaaaad

Epic mickey was a great game and it deserves a remake 200% and explaining how "it feel from its grace" isnt gonna be helpful

I wanna make a video about How there are things to change definitley (CURSE YOU WEIRD CAMERA) but its still a great game with some amazing plot And with great effect on younger audience at the time who played it

So help a boy out (again) and tell me do you think I should make that video essay? It may be long But I think you'll see it as a good thing haha

[starz4valen]

queers im fucking lost come save me

ok but in all seriousness,

despite labeling myself as aroace for a hot minute and finding comfort in that label and the community for a time—shit doesnt feel quite right anymore.

i have had ONE EX. one.

i genuinely think i was in love with him. i only felt what i felt with him,,,WITH HIM. nobody else. I felt the butterflies/giddiness, i loved his laugh, his smile, hearing him, his jokes, all the names he would call me, how much he said he loved me, our late night discord calls, having him around, just. him. when he rarely spoke abt shit that was bothering him it hurt me so bad, like i would hurt with him. and the mere THOUGHT of ME hurting him made me wanna sob.

as you can probably guess by the fact we’re exes, we’re not together anymore. it hurts. hell, my stomach tangled a bit as i typed that out. (could be cause recently someone who used to be a friend went and dated him and then got upset at me for getting upset at them but this ain't abt them.)

we broke up in like june last year, and i felt so fucking horrible about it bc it basically ended w him yelling at me over text at how horrible i am at listening and how i treated him more like a therapist—which i will admit i did. i sucked for that. it makes sense why tho, i was working through a lot of shit at the time, doesn’t justify it at all though. i should’ve treated him better. im desperately trying to fix it in my current relationships so that never happens again.

then again, he also treated me badly. he said things that really fucked with my sense of trust in people and just made me scared to get close with anyone like that ever again, or in general bc i was convinced everyone had some ulterior motive w me or secretly didnt give a shit abt me—but also i felt *I* was the problem. like every relationship im in is gonna end horribly bc im just that bad. its taken a lot to say that i feel loved by and trust my current friends, as well as trying to recognize that I deserve love, and im glad i can say that im getting better ^^

but,,,idk anymore

i concluded i was aroace almost a year after we broke up. there were a couple reasons. for one, i only really got that close w him. i dont really know if ive had a crush or what that feels like—in fact i think i faked one in elementary, the whole reason i got w my ex was bc he was flirting w me and it made me feel nice. (also bc i was worried he would be my only shot at love but i digress) i feel off when people talk about heading to poundtown or anything like that, the same with crushes—just crushes tho relationships i totally get—and i still struggle to wrap my head around attraction and how people just can look at someone without even knowing them at ALL and go “you. i want you.”

i wrote off how i felt when i was with him as simply some non-romantic form of attraction and called it a day.

but recently ive been reflecting on that, and i think i was wrong. the way that even now i get all these emotions by merely talking abt my ex says something. how upset seeing that "friend" going ahead and dating him after barely knowing him and just how angry i was says something. the way i cried seeing my best friend get a whole small crate of presents from their partner for their bday bc i was THAT JEALOUS says something. the way i yearn for affection and to be loved again says something. the way im starting to miss being in love again says something. the way i would always want some sort of relationship—even when i identified as aroace—but just never thought it would happen bc i didn't feel pretty enough, or mentally well enough, deserving of one, or like id ever be lucky enough to find someone who makes me feel that way again and how scared and sad that makes me,,,says something.

now in terms of poundtown—legit dunno. closest to that I've done w anyone was neck kisses from my ex, which i did really enjoy—but also i legit identified as ace like the whole time we were together and the few times he made jokes like that i felt uncomfy. plus the only way i feel i could be ok w going further w something like that is if its either excessively gentle or the most unserious thing ever. so tbh if i had to take a guess on how i feel abt that—not too keen on it.

I'm debating a couple labels, bi, aroace, bi and ace, demirose, and demirose and bi, but tbh i feel bi kinda fits the most? (maybe???) but also it doesn't. idk if its the fear of opening my mind to me being in a relationship despite my fear of intimacy and commitment or just that I'm aroace and this is my brain telling me to stop overthinking shit—but i know i wanna figure this shit out

if anyone has like legit any words of advice PLEASE send it my way. i will take even the tiniest crumb of guidance cause i am more lost than a child in ikea.

thanks to anyone who read all this <3

[aristotels]

Of course all problems and inequalities are direct consequence of modernity and in the past those who are now considered undesirable were considered divine and definitely weren't treated even worse and didn't have access to anything that resembles accomodations. Let's bring those times back!

In Ancient Rome specifically there was no hospitalisation, yes, but also people who were considered mad couldn't make financial and legal operations on their own at all and couldn't be citizens, and were considered pariahs by their communities. This is not to say that you are wrong because you picked the wrong time to see as "when things were better", it's that just because what causes problems now is capitalism doesn't mean that before it people were always kind and caring, everything is much older.

(Or that removing the money would fix everything on its own, for that matter)

are you literally so stupid to fail to see my point

the point isnt "LOOK WHAT THEY TOOK FROM US" the point is that fears and delusions depend on the society youre brought up in; and also sorry that a 5 sentences tumblr post didnt go into history of medical malpractice, it was a lighthearted post made by someone with those very issues

yeah, if i lived then, then id have a different delusion more fit to those times - but it would not resemble my current paranoia or nightmares of being drugged or talked to the way ive had medical staff talk to me bc those things are specific to our society.

(Also you can still have your rights denied for being mentally ill today as well?????? what happened to free britney??? And like My family doctor once literally suggested to my dad to involountary check me into psych ward which was smth my psychiatrist at the time was very much trying to avoid because he KNEW how dehumanizing that is, he spent more than sn hour trying to figure out if my visions of suicide were actual suicide risk or intrusive thoughts; telling me later that he was willing to gamble such a huge risk and responsibility he would have to take in case i actually did smth to myself - just to keep me out of the hospital stay because he worked there and SAW how dehumanizing it is. because getting in the ward here doesnt mean youre done when youre out, this shit affects FUCKLOAD of things in your life!)

are you really trying to be like "LETS TAKE AWAY ACCOMODATIONS FROM PEOPLE WHO SUFFER WOOW GOOD JOB" in my inbox rn btw considering that i am literally schizophrenic w some other mental illnesses, and that i take fucking meds upon meds for it, including antipsychotics??????? and i am also very grateful for those aids, but even with meds my condition will never be resolved and its severity very much depends on the people/society around me. my delusions while living in croatia might differ from someone who lives in the usa.

i literally have no patience or attention or care or anything to argue with you rn, if you wanna discuss political or economical or marxist or whatever theory in my inbox go ahead, but i am NOT arguing about my own fucking lived experience and having you speak to me this way, in an incredibly entitled and dismissive way. its late and im going to bed. i genuinely dont care for your "ummmmm ekshually capitalism is noot thaaat bad-" shit while i keep having episodes on the daily in a big part due to fuckin capitalism. losing my other job is putting me through stress because i have no money, but it also eased up certain aspects of my illness because i dont have to hit hardcore fucking deadlines every week.

p.s. who the fuck is talking about money not existing. if you are gonna bring that up within communist theory and up for a serious discussion thats a whole other thing, but moneyless and stateless society doesnt just rest on tadaaah no money, like theres a reason marx wrote books n essays on that shit and why daddy engels sent him checks. and even in ideal communist world we would still have mental illnesses, but i am absolutely positive that my thoughts would differ than the current ones and that they would probably be less severe. and also why is this implying that communism wont have like the fuckin medication

i usually take care to carefully reply to asks and try to actually give a serious opinion but i gen dont care if i sound incoherent rn, this legit pissed me off

[coldresolve]

A huge part of the whump being torture apologia discussion comes from the fact that people exoticize torture. It's foreign. It's something you see in spy movies and read about in thrillers. It's a pain that most people can safely distance themselves from in order to experience emotional catharsis or simple enjoyment. The thing is, some people don't get to have that distance.

It's hard for me to describe the sheer grief that comes with it all. I know a man who was tortured in prison. People who faced abuse from family so severe that it amounted to torture. Someone whose torture was to watch their friends be deliberately hurt. I wish whump writers could learn to have compassion for these people as well, even if their lived experiences are not exceptionally common or openly spoken about.

If an author portrays domestic abuse in their writing, it's generally considered necessary and responsible for them to either write the abuse in a realistic way or to state outside their writing that their portrayal of this very real issue is unrealistic. This respects people's lived experiences with abuse and prevents creating a culture of normalizing and glorifying abusive behavior.

It's most definitely not too much to ask of whump writers to uphold those same standards when writing about torture.

you have no idea how nice it is to get someone well spoken and well thought out in my inbox every once in a while. uh im on like hr 30 of being awake and kinda struggling piecing my thoughts together right now, so forgive me if i dont make a lot of sense, but i wanna say sth

the tone of your ask for some reason really hit a nerve for me. like getting slapped in the face, kind of. i think its the fact you come across really compassionate and just. calm, thoughtful in this. kinda puts my approach into perspective lol

i think im just angry about this topic. like ive got a passion for wanting to get it right, but its driven by anger and frustration. having ppl nitpick the fuck out of everything i say instead of actually having the sorts of conversations that should be had about the topic. i know me being angry edgy tantrum controversial oh whats he gonna say now guy and all that, turns people away from listening to me but i dont know how else to approach it sometimes, i don't want to make excuses for people who i feel should know better. i dont have that kind of patience i guess, at least not right now

i think that anger is like a manifestation, symptom. im angry about the people this happens to, and how catastrophic it is. angry at the people who let it happen. the systems that are built around it. people don't see how systemic torture can be. im angry that the fucking war on terror media frenzy was so effective, because your average person still fucking believes in all the bullshit. or the idea of torture survivors being "broken" like its a personal failure, like its the result of their own shortcomings when they're some of the strongest people you can meet. just all these unfair ideas about it that are everywhere. and people still somehow find it necessary to keep spreading those ideas, even if they know theyre wrong. when it doesnt add anything of value, youre not saying anything about it, youre not actually adding something to the conversation by going along with the bullshit, youre literally just entertaining yourself

i dont know how to not be angry about it, i think. thats the growth goal for me i guess, cause i know this isnt the sorta thing thats gonna fix itself tomorrow. and i dunno your ask just made me think about that, like how i handle this on a personal level. and i think itd be healthy for me to step away from the discussion for a couple days at least and just. accept that i tried to reach people this round, maybe it didnt really work, thats fine, ill try again some other time. also i am writing all this very slowly cause my skull is kinda collapsing in on itself so to speak and maybe that has something to do with me being sorta hopelessly frustrated lmfao. apologies

[socksandbuttons]

Bestie...us this to ramble about anything you like.

I'm tired but I want you to be happy.

OKAY SO u only have the full context but i get to ramble ALL I WANT AS U SAID SOOOO Im working on an au's design that i told you about. so far silhoutttes good i LOVE THEM. dying at this one concept CAUSE I LOVE IT SO MUCH HAVENT SEEN IT YET BUT SORT OF BUT NOT ENTIRELY. Anyway design wise 3/5 look good! i can work with them (its colors per usual bestie as u KNOW) the other two look too much like Vamp lunar and of eachother and im like ... i need to fix this cause vvamp lunar different (did u know i fleetingly considered using him for this??? i decided against it i like making new things) THEN THEN THERES MY OWN PIZZAPLEX AU which i havent touched in a while but i rmabled enough about it to you but i never showed off the thing i was doing about that. SUN!LUNAR AU PLAGUES ME ONCE A WHILE. BUT I DONT TALK ENOUGH ABOUT HIM. Love me some Solar vibing with his new bro and not having a crisis about the other two. Whomst are still having issues (I will remind u all that NICE ECLIPSE'S MOON was something he was also trying to save. That it wasn't verbal abuse until the more recent episodes when they reintroduced how his world is. Makes a good reason for Solar to leave tho.) My au's Moon has bad mood swings. Does Bloodmoon Exist? No. Does KC? No. Could they? KC can't anylonger unless they legit kept that code but i doubt that. (Due to Moon literally wanting it out. Solar not wanting to put him thru that ordeal and knowing it wont work in getting his moon back.) Bloodmoon was only made when Eclipse wanted OUT for realsies. Vs Solar and Sun may have been switching but nothing that opted violence for an answer. Just mistakes that they didnt realize would happen. Sun!Lunar literally being a result of trying to put code back in but just making a New Person instead. So they continue to find a way to help Sun (Solar just... desperately not trying to think about how unlikely that could be) OH YEAH REMEMBER WHEN MOON PROMISED TO FIX SOLARS STAR AND HIS MOON AND SUN??? YEAH??? well rip that that. We aint gonna think about that. what else can i ramble about POKEMON AU WHERE U HAVENT SEEN IN A WHILE BUT SOLAR FLARE... I FINALLY... FIGURED OUT HOW I WANNA DRAW/DESIGN HIM LOL Space AU i cant recall what ive shared ever. But Love me some thinking about how theyre made and their differences. Lots of cute ship stuff. Yes I forget to share those. Theres more bean au stuff i was thinking over too like when bloodmoon comes in. I definitely wanna think about his like... whole thing about trust and death and instance on not being a tool. Its partly why he doesnt get along well with Eclipse (Someone to put the aggression onto vs killcode who in this au actually still calls him son, Lunar this time round since NOT a hostage a better reception. Sun still has a panic attack. yknow i remembered solar WOULD actually exist.... one thing at a time i need to make a list of things here and there.)