#im just very private with emotional expression and i don't really get anything out of like shared grieving

[yourfavepookiebear]

Hii, can i make a request? Yandere and self aware twisted wonderland please?

So the characters could hear the player after some time, although it is very difficult unless you pay attention, they actually don't know the appearance of the player!

But yeah, yandere Heartslabyul with a player who's pretty expressive? Like whenever something frustrates them they'd almost always curse out loud, when something makes them happy and satisfied they'd yell out a "Yes! Oh my god bro", etc

Okay so basically a player like me (and many others), cool, got it. (Im panicking I suck at writing for heartslabyul) I fucked up at ace's part idk what to write for him

God the old hag is waking up

Rushed asf

Riddle Rosehearts

You're pretty easy to read, at least on the terms of mood and emotion, which could be considered a good thing for him ?

At first he didn't believe it, because how could the player be anything but perfect ?

But then he realized that you don't need to be emotionless to be perfect.

Now this vaguely depends on whether we're talking about before OB or after OB Riddle, but if it's after OB then he doesn't mind it much

In fact, he likes hearing you mumble in frustration whenever you lose or see something irritating, it makes him...melancholic, in a way. Because these are all the signs that you're pretty normal just like them, you feel. It reassures him sometimes, to know that.

It's pretty cute and funny to him, but he won't show it

Hates that you show that side of yourself to others, he wants to be the only one to see this, but alas..not much can be done.

At least, not within the rules.

Cater Diamond

A bit like Riddle, it's sorta funny for him. God he wishes he could tease you, but he can't because of the damn programming..

Will definitely sneakily film it or record it he can't pass up on such an opportunity !

Depending on his mood he may or may not post it as well, but most likely on his private account

Can't have anyone else seeing such a cute thing, can we ?

Trey Clover

Now this is a bit complicated (more so than the others)

He wouldn't show it on the outside ofc, but he finds it endearing. (everyone does.)

May or may not crack a little smile when he sees you jumping in joy (or banging your head on the wall in frustration)

Doesn't care what others think about it, he will listen to your little outbursts with all ears.

And if anyone dares to comment about it, they better get ready for hell.

Deuce Spade

Doesn't really know what to think about it,

Ofc like everyone else he loves to hear you jump in joy or excitement, but frowns when you whine or complain about something

You deserve the very best !! If he could, he'd do anything to make you happy, just to see your little smile

God he wishes he was with you, but he can't...except-

Right, maybe draconia could help him with this.

Ace (I forgot his last name)

Oh well.

Seeing how expressive you are, he would definitely sneak in a few teases in his dialogues.

You know that cheeky smile of his ? Yeah, that's the one he has

Unlike a few others, he doesn't care if you're jumping in joy or in sadness, all he cares about is hearing you, seeing you..

Don't worry, soon enough, you'll be right next to him. So if you one day wake up to find yourself locked up in a room, just know that he means no harm

He can't help but wonder what you look like...ah, no use thinking about that since you'll be here soon.

This sucks ass ngl, my writing is trash right now but whatever

I did better than I thought since it's been a few months since I last wrote anything

Dividers by @cafekitsune

[swankpalanquin]

thank god work has been fairly busy cos that means i can save up all the emotional turmoil bubbling inside me and have a mini breakdown this weekend

[thatgirl4815]

i find your answers to asks on whether ray kissing sand counted as cheating so interesting, like i didn't even register that specific moment as a betrayal because like i personally don't view ray kissing sand through the lens of ray's relationship to mew.

like kisses are generally romantic but neither mew kissing ray or ray kissing sand came from a place of romance, but ray insisting that he's at his happiest/ only happy when he's with sand and his desperate need to maintain that relationship and time spent with sand however expresses a much deeper emotional connection (the one missing in raymew imo) that i think is more likely to read, not quite as a betrayal but maybe a lack of devotion to mew

like raymew to me is mew needing a safe rebound/ a version of himself he feels less vulnerable as and ray finally getting full access to the person/attention that's kept him going, and is like devoid of devotion and love, so maybe i already have a hard time seeing anything either of them do as a betrayal but yeah. the sand ray kiss felt less like a betrayal to mew to me and a bit more like a betrayal of sand but thats a whole nother thing

idk if this made sense cause im tired but i like reading everyones different interperations of that moment

I think Ray kissing Sand at the party is ultimately more important to SandRay’s relationship than it is to RayMew’s relationship for sure (especially because I highly doubt it will ever come up between Ray and Mew). Since cheating and infidelity has been such an overarching topic in TopMew’s storyline in particular, it’s worth pondering just how Mew would react to that SandRay kiss. I’ve seen suggestions both ways, but I’m still thinking that Mew would not see it as a betrayal necessarily because I don’t think he really sees Ray as more than what they were before; he only talked Ray up at the end of Ep7 to pull him even closer and use him against Top. And also, as you indicate, Ray is just the perfect rebound candidate for Mew because he’s 1) very attuned to the world of drugs and alcohol and 2) he’s obsessed with Mew. Ray checks all the boxes as far as that’s concerned.

Great point about how kisses are generally intended as romantic, but for RayMew and SandRay, neither kiss reads that way at all. Both kisses are overshadowed by a sense of ownership. In each case, it says something really interesting about both Mew and Ray that they are so adamant about showing their possession, either out of their own heartbreak and jealousy or their own desire for revenge.

Re: your point about Ray kissing Sand being a betrayal of Sand—as I touched on briefly above, I think that’s the strongest takeaway from that scene. But I also think it’s so important because it says so much about Ray’s headspace. Ray is a mixed bag of emotions: he’s bitter about being Mew’s second choice, he’s hurt (I assume) after Mew kissed him in front of Top but not in private, he’s guilty over what happened with Sand, he’s jealous of Sand and Freddie Mercury, and to top it all off: he’s high/drunk. Also, he just generally has poor mental health. So all in all, it’s really no surprise he acts out in this way.

[simplyreveries]

yay happy 500! i've been a reader of yours since you started, congrats on coming so far, you deserve it! <3

as for the matchup..

APPEARANCE: i'm relatively average in height, like 5'4. i'm a little chubby and have a baby face (save me). notable things are that i have smaller than average hands, i have a lot of moles and pretty heavy eyebags. my hair is past my shoulders and is curly and wavy. i wear fun shaped glasses and different themes of dangly earrings. my sense of style is simple but enough to express myself.

PERSONALITY: i'm very shy with new people. i dont unless spoken to and i even hide behind people i trust in social situations. i overthink and worry a lot. but when im talking to people i trust im very loud, talkative and annoying. i like pestering my friends but never meanly, and i always apologize if i go too far. i like making people laugh. my sense of humor sucks and i laugh at almost anything. i'm also very jumpy and reactionary. i'm very emotional and i cry from strong emotions, even when i feel positively about something. i have a temper and get annoyed easily and i have frequent mood swings. i'm pretty passive though and i don't like conflict and am not physically aggressive.

LIKES: i like music, video games, collecting, drawing and playing instruments. i play guitar and piano and want to pick up bass. i also sing. i collect things from my interests and also just things i think are cute. i love anything cute and sometimes i feel aggressive (like not violently, like squeezing) towards cute things, sometimes i also feel overwhelmed with cuteness and i cry. i love cats the most but i also love other animals and sea creatures. i don't like being talked down to or treated as less than. i also don't like being outcasted or avoided. i like cool bugs but HATE house pests like flies and roaches. i also don't like bitter things or veggies. i love sweets, especially sour candy and ice cream and pastries.

OTHER: i'm hyperactive or super out of it like all the time. sometimes i feel like running around everywhere but sometimes i feel like sleeping even if it's in an inconvenient spot or situation. im always moving or fidgeting- i bite my nails and hum mostly. i'm not great with feelings but i try my best and try to show that i care. romantic situations make me feel nervous but i don't oppose things and can be really affectionate in private.

also side note plz don't match with idia or lilia! thank you!! sorry it's lengthy

i match you with kalim-al aism!!!

it's no problem to him if initially you're more standoff-ish and quiet. he's kalim of course he's still going to go out of his way to talk to you and befriend you. especially when he finds out more about you. he could catch you practicing and playing the piano in the music room and (moment of him being completely mesmerized hehe). he'd apologize quickly if he startled you and go on excitedly that you're talented with instruments. considering he is a part of the light music club he is ecstatic. nothing but compliments and praise for your talent from him. he is either inviting you to join or just come watch one of their performances a lot.

so even when before the two of you got together, he treated you as if you've known him for years. don't feel nervous about not having a partner for an assignment in class if he's there- because he's immediately waving to you and making his way asking if you would want to work with him. if he sees you walk into a room, he visibly lights up and calls for you.

more often than not, he's inviting you to sleepovers at scarabia with him... his bed is the coziest thing. he is content with curling up in bed with you and talking tiredly. he definitely buys you plushies... like A LOT ever since you practically sobbed over him getting you one of your favorite animals. they're found all over his bedroom.

he always finds himself getting into slight trouble and crazy moments at school, due to his spontaneous self. he means well but there are times like when he lost his magic carpet and dragged you all over campus to help him find it.

kalim loves listening to you-- besides, he is equally as talkative. he feels so good knowing that he's someone you began to feel comfortable around to be more open. and kalim remembers everything, you could mention something offhandedly and bring it up like "oh! right you liked those..." weeks later.

[theswordfishy]

ok hi gonna drop my kkfos headcanons beneath the cut :3c

for all klowns -they speak their own language but can fully understand and speak in english! i also like to think they usually learn & become fluent in multiple, and not just earth languages either -have the capability to mimic & replicate voices and sounds almost perfectly. kinda like crows or something -sexual reproduction is rather obsolete, never existed (asexual reproduction of some kind or artificial reproduction, considering the slim scene)?, or the popcorn seeds ARE eggs. i guess they're like frogs... ((it's also interesting that popcorn is used so casually rather in attack or just dropped around randomly. implicative that klowns are disposable OR that popcorn klowns aren't actually *klown babies* but rather another species)) ---> (i actually used to have a klown oc who lived on earth after being sprinkled into the dumpster by jumbo, as a little popcorn)

anyways time for klown specifics

jumbo -7'0" -generally pretty quiet and self kept. not out of shyness but of just self preference and choice -very very intelligent, coordinated, and in a way controlling. he's very meticulous and never really makes mistakes; everything is intentional -seen as a leader but whether that's an actual role he holds is debatable. i don't know if they need a hierarchy of leadership -sadistic (though not as much as slim imo) and genuinely likes to kill for fun. carries a looming sense of eerieness and an unwavering gaze that makes him seem even more intimidating

slim -6'9" -prideful & narcissistic. generally a bit of a showoff who boasts a LOT, usually trying to do his job as efficiently and effortlessly as possible -extremely controlling and aggressive. refuses to share any bit of power and control he can maintain with any other, and very often degrades and puts down others to have his way. also he's just generally kinda physically aggressive, like the car scene -deeply sadistic and looooves killing for fun, as well as the thrill of breaking rules & using force when he can; very easily gets caught up in the moment of fun. laughs and giggles a lot -enjoys being praised but tends to become overwhelmed when complimented by mass groups or when given in private by another. fluster-able

spike (i know everyone else says he's an incel but he is my precious baby girl) -6'5" -easily excited and has much higher energy than others. very friendly, upbeat, and a little bit oblivious -very playful and fun-loving (he literally squeals "whoo!" when he goes down the firefighter pole im in tears), as well as highly optimistic. he often tries to see the good in things and others; doesn't really process/recognize passive aggressiveness or even direct insults -doesn't often experience more negative/conflicting emotions but generally attempts to suppress them. is also very protective when it comes to those he cares for; however, very easily trusting anyways -moderately intelligent but comes off as less so due to naivety

rudy -6'5" -super low energy, as well as generally neutral and passive. would probably be a centralist unfortunately. goes with the flow for the most part and is pretty indifferent to everything -follows the rules religiously and has a deep fear of being punished. is a little bit cowardly and generally refuses to speak up for himself or his beliefs (i imagine he might be a little more confident in case of someone he cares about bit it's situational) -struggles with physical expression, and generally goes from a neutral (even depressed looking lol) look to being able to actually smile. often looks exhausted or uncomfortable -easily distracted tbh. will literally forget what he's supposed to be doing and become hyper focused on another mundane activity

shorty -5'0" -super chill and relaxed. doesn't really have complex emotions and is overall pretty simple; though, this does not mean he's stupid -no fears of authority or generally negative emotions of the sort. doesn't mind doing anything else other than his job. again, super carefree and relaxed -despite this more carefree nature of his he also does have some more immature and childish habits and behaviors. likes to play and mess around a lot, and may often seem and act innocent -will sometimes try and interact with humans beyond his job purposes for fun and or curiosity. might leave you alive if he's feeling a bit funny

[ranspuppyboy]

Congrats on 300! Im so glad that people are recognizing your amazing writing! 🎉🎉 If you mini event isn't closed, I would like to participate. If it is, feel free to delete this ask!

My pronouns are she/her. Idrk my mbti, but I am for sure that I am enneagram type 4w5.

I am Introverted, but because of my ADHD, I prefer socializing over awkward silence. So I usually end up starting conversations even when I don't really want to. Except with guys, I'm awkward when it comes to anything that could potentially be romantic 😅 I like to think im a private person, but I end up rambling about things I didn't want to then regret it later. I am blunt, sometimes without realizing it, and have been told that I come across as rude. I really don't mean to though and I feel really bad when I realize 😭 I am a very sensitive, emotional person and a hopeless romantic (yes, I am a pretty cliche person 😅). My love language is gift giving, mostly cause I have a online shopping problem. I love finding meaning in the smallest of things and practically everything I consider a "favorite" of mine has meaning one way or another. I am really in tune with my emotions, but its hard for me to express them and I usually keep any dark emotions to myself. My dream boyfriend is someone who will listen to me without judging me and someone who accepts me for who I am.

ADHD BUDDIES YOOO

I think your pair would be Shinichiro

he's pretty chill about it

he wants to ask you out but he also doesn't want to ruin the friendship you both already have

so he tries to keep his flirting as a joke mostly

but if you do want to go out with him... he's mot complaining

he's also awkward af so you can both just pretend that you know what you're doing together

he would probably want to keep it as safe as possible

taking you to get food, since it's what you asked him to come with you first

neither of you wanted to do something too fancy, so he goes to pick you up on his bike, and takes you to get fast food

the ride there is mostly silent, except for the times he moves the bike to quickly and you whine at him, making him laugh

he thinks it's cute, you holding onto him tightly, afraid that if you let go you might fall off the bike

he tries to pay for both of your lunches, but you end up splitting it

the whole meal is filled with laughter and talking about anything and everything

even when you ramble and get off topic (if there even is one) he doesn't mind, and he just keeps going

he just wants you to be comfortable talking about anything to him

after eating you decided to go on a walk, since neither of you wanted to go back just yet

walking through the streets, just pointing out random stores and looking at whatever they sell

he suddenly tells you to wait for a second as he runs off somewhere

you stay frozen in place, confused

not long after he comes back with ice cream, talking about how cute it was and how it reminded him of you

he can't look at you in the face while he holds the ice cream for you to take

but that's fine because you're probably not looking at his face either when you take it

you find a bench to sit down and eat, and he jokes about feeding you, only to immediately blush and turn away

it's endearing, but you still wanna punch him for being so cheesy

after he drives you back home, he quickly stops you before you can enter your house

he gives you a small package before bidding you goodbye and quickly running away, leaving you confused once again

you go inside and open the small package, which contains a simple beads bracelet

you don't know it yet, but the next time you go over to his shop he'll be wearing the same one as he got you

[with-love-from-hell]

STORMMM!!!! I love all of the stuff you've given about your Mc so far. Thank you for feeding meee. I have a few more questions though!!!!

1. What hobbies does your Mc have?

2. What do she and Lucifer do together when they have time/when they're busy

3. Pet peeves?! (Not just of lucifer but all the brothers)

4. (Bc im a thirsty bitch and I love your Mc pairing) can you do a smut alphabet with StormxLucifer sometime? 😶😶😶 i would also love to see self-insert fics eventually but obviously you don't gotta do that.

Love you bb 😍

Lmfao welcome back Sarah! I love how interested you are in my Mc 🤣🤣

I will do a smut alphabet sometime in the future for a request if you'd like. But I'll answer your other questions now! (Ps: luv u 2 boo 😚)

Storm's solo Hobbies

Storm really really really loves to read. This is part of the reason why her and Satan get along so well. She loves reading books on philosophy, horror stories, fan fiction from her favorite shows/movies, graphic novels/comic books...pretty much anything she can get her hands on. Her favorite books/stories are The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka, Under the Dome by Stephen King, and The Pendulum by Edgar Allen Poe.

Storm really loves to sing, but she often does so in private because she gets too nervous in front of others. Lucifer actually caught her singing in the shower once, and now has her sing for him from time to time because he loved her voice so much. He's the only one she will voluntarily/knowingly sing in front of unless she is very intoxicated

Storm really loves to paint. She typically doesn't have a purpose in mind when she puts her paint to paper, but often times she is influenced by strong emotions. A lot of her works are very abstract and she doesn't share them with anyone really. She keeps them in a file organizer in her room. I have a feeling someday someone may find them though. Lol

Storm is a big fan of interpretive, exotic, and pole dancing. She moves very gracefully and finds the intense emotional movements relaxing. She absolutely refuses to do these in front of others because she'd sooner die of embarrassment but sometimes Mammon, Lucifer, or Levi will sneak in to the work-out room to watch her.

Storm also likes to write poetry. Usually this is how she gets her anger out and is able to remain so calm lol.

She likes doing some other stuff too (cooking, listening to music, going on nature walks/hikes, stargazing) but the ones above are her go-tos.

Lucifer & Storm's hobbies

Going to plays/musicals/shows/operas. Thats one of their favorite things to do with each other. Lucifer loves having an excuse to get Storm all dressed up in fancy clothes and show her off in addition to watching her so thoroughly enjoy the plot of a show, and Storm loves the theater!

Fancy dinner dates. Lucifer likes this one for the same reason as above, plus he just likes to spoil Storm to no end. She feels guilty about how expensive the things Lucifer does with her are at first, but he does tone it down when she expresses her discomfort with him spending so much on her (despite the fact that he can absolutely afford it and takes no issue with treating her like a queen)

Stargazing! Storm especially loves this one. The skies in Devildom are so interesting to her, and the various different constellations that litter the sky are very pretty. Lucifer likes this one as well, as it gives them some peace and quiet away from his brothers, and also an excuse for him to cuddle her (as if he needed one though lol)

Rock concerts. Storm really abhors loud noises normally because they often trigger headaches and exacerbate her tinnitus, but concerts are the one exception she is willing to make to that rule. She LOVES going to rock shows. They don't have to be in huge arenas, but she isn't opposed to that either. She may bring a set of ear plugs just in case the sound gets overwhelming, but usually shes fine! Lucifer at first sees this as a little barbaric (especially considering the first concert she took him to was fucking Korn), but it grows on him- especially when he sees how happy she is. He even begins to adopt her music tastes a bit and will stock his music library with music she enjoys. This is a thing they doo a bit more sparingly because of the noise issue- but they try to go to them at least once every couple months or so.

When they don't have much free time, they often just play a round of chess or cribbage, listen to music together while snuggling by the fire, or going a short walk with Cerberus.

Pet peeves

Lucifer: How he treats his brothers really pisses her off lol. Especially Mammon. She will put her foot down with him and often stand up for them when she feels he is being unreasonable. While Lucifer very clearly serves as the Paternal family figure, she serves as the Maternal side for his brothers...so they do listen to her when she tells them to do something/to stop doing something. Plus, she's got the power of the pacts. She will lessen the stress on Lucifer by helping keep them in line without violence and his behavior will change when she tells him how much it upsets her. Mammon may still be strung up from the ceiling from time to time, and someone may go without dinner here and there, but the punishments are way less harsh than they used to be- and the added fear of disappointing mama Storm helps alter their behavior- at least somewhat. (That's not to say there aren't still ridiculous antics that go on though. Lol)

Mammon: It really gets under her skin when he calls her worthless- even if he doesn't mean it (which he never does). It just brings up a lot of her insecurities whenever he says it, and reminds her of past abusive situations where the word was used to describe her. She doesn't mind most of the rest of his insults, and after she talks to him about it, he does it way less- but sometimes it still slips out. He is always immediately apologizing when it does though.

Levi: The yoda voice. At first she thought it was cute...and then he just...wouldn't stop...God...please make it stop.

Satan: The way he dresses. Like me in real life, I Hc that storm has pretty significant OCD traits. She primarily experiences contamination, order, and symmetry obsessions, and the way he wears his jackets trigger it SO HARD. like, she is aware that this is not his fault, and its for her to come to grips with, but she can't help but find that right eye start to twitch when she looks at his clothing for too long. She is trying her best to overcome it, because she really does love Satan a lot and he is one of the brothers she is closest too...but when he starts wearing his human world attire? Boy look out...

Asmo: Hugging her without permission- especially when he runs up on her unexpectedly. God she hates this SO MUCH. She has a very, very sensitive startle response as a result of her trauma, and the first time he does this she damn near has a panic attack. This is mostly from past trauma, but she tries to grit her teeth through it because he is always so genuinely happy to see her. After Lucifer gets her to finally start enforcing her boundaries, she will tell him how much it bothers her and he will do his best to stop. It takes awhile for him to actually commit it to memory, but he doesn't like making her uncomfortable so he will stop.

Beel: Talking with his mouth full. Look, Beel is always hungry, so he's always eating. But sometimes he gets a little too excited to spend time with Storm, so he tries to kill two birds with one stone by talking to her while he is eating. And this absolutely grinds her gears. She will politely remind him to wait to talk until he's done eating when it happens, but Beel will always forget.

Belphie: Falling asleep on her while she's talking. She knows that sloth is his sin, but it really irks her when she is in the middle of a conversation, or trying to ask for his advice on something, and he just zonks the fuck out. She won't dwell on it for too long because he is just so damn cute when he's asleep, but fuck if it doesn't drive her nuts.

Diavolo: Pushing work onto Lucifer last minute. Come on now, they had a date planned!! And hes just NOW remembering he needed that report by tomorrow morning that was originally not needed until Friday? Ugh.

Barbatos: When he brings up stuff about her past in conversation that she doesn't know that he knows about. Barbatos often forgets his foresight abilities and will often mention something casually in conversation about Storm's past or ask her a question about something from her past. Bonus irritation if it has something to do with her trauma or something super embarrassing.

Simeon: Overall, Storm doesn't have many qualms with Simeon...and that's the problem. Her pet peeve for him is that he's perfect...too perfect. She hates that her mind always wanders to what terrible thing is hiding underneath his lovely exterior. She gets so annoyed at how suspicious it makes her because she cannot believe someone is genuinely this loveable and pure.

Luke: When he tries to force-feed her his sweets. Again- like me- Storm has an eating disorder and struggles with her body image. She especially has a hard time with sweets and Luke will often relentlessly beg her to try what he makes, even going so far as to shove whatever it is in her mouth. She has a really hard time saying no to people, especially if they continue pestering her after the first no. And Luke will just keep giving her sweet after sweet until she feels terrible. Sometimes it could trigger a purge, but she knows he doesn't intend for that. Because he is so young, she just grits her teeth through it. Eventually, Lucifer gets involved and requests for him to stop if she tells him no, or just save something for her to try when she feels up to it. And he does listen!

Solomon: When he tries flirting with her. Storm does not care much for Solomon, mostly because he ticks her boxes for most of her pet peeves (he acts like he knows everything, he talks down to her, he's manipulative, etc), but the worst thing he does that she HATES is when he tries to flirt with her. He does it because he knows it gets under Lucifer's skin, and he likes seeing her get flustered. She tries so hard not to give him the reaction he wants, but fuck if it isn't damn near impossible- especially when he makes a crass sexual joke about her. Eventually she will get him to stop when she sobs to Simeon telling him how triggering it is for her past sexual trauma and Simeon relays this to him and scolds him for not listening the first 80 times she told him to stop, but she still never really feels comfortable around him alone after that.

[qualidude]

Hi!! I was wondering if I could talk to you abt something bc i sometimes see ppl reaching out to you but it's ok if you don't want to or if something I say is wrong or inappropriate just ignore it. but like i always had some issues w/ my body bc im afab but some older ppl in my family usually say I don't have big enough breasts or say the way I dress and am isn't very feminine and even though I think I always rejected things that are perceived as too feminine I still internalized a lot of feeling wrong about my body/ the way i am and then when I was a teen I realized I was a lesbian and i thought "oh that's it, there's that". But since then (I'm 23 now) ive been learning and realizing stuff about gender and how i feel about everything and i started feeling like i don't wanna really get put in this woman box my family taught me and "everyone" expects but im not uncomfortable with my pronouns and i also had a moment when a person questioned me about transitioning unprompted and i felt uncomfortable bc i don't wanna be perceived as a guy. And here on tumblr I learned about non binarity and stuff which makes sense to me bc i started looking at myself and instead of going like "ok I'm a woman" i just try to see myself for myself and it makes so much more sense? but i also feel somewhat wrong like I'm being disrespectful or lying bc i actually prefer using she/her and i don't really wanna ~come out to most the ppl in my life about this. And i don't care being called a girl or a boy (in my first language most words are gendered so I don't care too if someone refers to me with a masculine gendered word, depending on the tone and who says it I guess). And also i realized I don't wanna reject all feminine stuff I just don't wanna be viewed as a woman conforming to what is expected. But yea I feel wrong bc it's all more about how i wanna look like and be perceived I guess (?) Like i wanna be androgynous looking or dress like it or have like a aura idk and also i feel much more comfortable viewing myself, as I said earlier, me just like me not trying to fit the expectations of gender binarity. I guess I'm sending this ask bc i don't know who to talk to and express these feelings and also bc idk if this is a big deal or if I'm wrong in anyway bc i feel kinda like im an imposter or something and I'm resisting talk to ppl close to me about it bc of it too like i only talked to two ppl but really superficially(?) Idk and I'm sorry too if this is confusing! If this ask is ok and idk you could give me advice or some input or anything that could help and i could come off anon for it to be private I would really like it. (I'm sending this in anon bc im somewhat scared jsjsja) but again if this is too much or inappropriate I'm really sorry

sorry this took me so long to get around to answering! I’ve been mostly offline the past few days 💖

I want to start by saying you are absolutely valid in your feelings about gender and it doesn’t make you any less non-binary to prefer she/her pronouns for yourself. Gender is a very individual experience and no two people feel exactly the same! ♥️ You don’t have to change anything about your body or appearance to be trans. The only thing that makes someone trans is that they experience their assigned gender differently from cis people in that same group.

It is also totally valid for you to not want to come out to people in your life for any reason, be that safety or just for your own comfort. I still have not come out to my family, not because I’m necessarily scared of their reaction as much as they haven’t really shown me that they are deserving of that conversation because of how much emotional work I would have to do to help them understand me. Instead, I’ve been surrounding myself with people who do understand me and see me for who I am already.

My best advice to you would be to keep talking to the people you’re comfortable talking to, and to approach others in your life at your own pace and comfort. It’s okay if you never end up telling them! You might find yourself getting closer to the people you can talk about it with, and drifting away from the other people in your life, and that’s totally okay too! I have replaced many friends over the years who weren’t able to get on my level

[damnjooon]

Don't reject me|1

Genre: Fluff|Angst- ManagerAu

Word count: 2281

Part: 1

Time had really flashed past you like the movie marathons you proudly took part of when you weren't fulled with layered schedules. It felt like just yesterday, you had just landed in a foreign country where you would spend most your youth in, South Korea.

Lately, you've been brutally busy with work. Bighit, the company you worked at, was gaining more attention and success, well the group that is under BigHit, BTS. You were lucky enough to be a manager for the seven members. But due to risk of starting rumors, your employment was kept undercover, people mistaking you as a make up artist (though you weren't so good). 

You were excited for the upcoming months, Bang Pd announced that there would be another world tour two months ago, and the day had finally arrived. You were prepping for transportation and where the boys would be accommodated at in the multiple countries that you would also adventure through. You finished earlier than expected so you packed all the necessary equipment that is vital for traveling: monthly protection, your laptop, various types of clothing and your nikon d3400 camera. You fell asleep really early, as it was your turn to drive the members to the airport.

9:15PM BANG P.D: Just a reminder that it is your responsibility to pick up the members. They depart at 10:00AM. If possible, could you be at the airport by 7:50? Our last flight was delayed due to paparazzi.

9:16PM Y/n: Of course. Ill make sure they get there safely as well. Sejin, Hyunsoo, Hobeom, Jigaemae and I have it all undercover. Don't worry too much.

9:17PM Bang P.D: Thank you y/n. Enjoy yourself for me yes? Once you return, you'll wish you would've...

9:17PM Y/n: :) I will, thank you Bang P.D enjoy your free time as well...

You slept peacefully in your studio apartment. Though you were still, you felt that you could explode, overwhelmed by the events that would take place. Imagining all the famous landmarks and traditional foods you would experience, you dozed off to La la land...

The song, 'Fireflies' by Owl City (a childhood song) greeted you awake. It was currently 3:00AM and it took you an hour to drive to work then pick up the boys. You only had an hour to reorganize yourself so that you would arrive at the airport on time. As much time as it sounded like, you were still in a hurry, fearing you would disappoint your boss. You threw your luggage inside your car, remembering to grab everything, then dashed to the building to transfer cars in order to pick up the boys.

As expected, you were at the members apartment 1 hour earlier than you intended. You rang Jin knowing he would be awake. After two rings the call was answered...

Y/n: "Hey Jin, are the others all up?"

Jin: "No, "Hi Jin did you sleep well?""

Y/n: "Ohh gosh I am sorry my lord, did thy lord sleep peacefully?"

Jin: "Yess~ I did"

Y/n: "You're such a dork... Are they?"

Jin: "Yeah we're all awake, Jungkook woke us up. Are you here yet?"

Y/n: "Wow Jungkook did? And yeah"

Jin: "Cause it's you (mumbling), I mean were on our way"

Y/n: "K see you then, peace out~"

It didn't take them long to arrive at the car. You exchanged greetings with each and every member but Jungkook. He shrugged your greetings away merely giving any attention. Jungkook gave you mixed emotions, as if he was still a stuck up teen. Somedays he can be very bubbly and cheeky, enjoyable to be around with (though you both didn't talk to each other much). Somedays he would be overly bitchy, his famous stone cold eyes plastered onto his face. Unfortunately, it was one of "those" days.

Y/n: "We're pretty early and I didn't eat breakfast, down for some burgers?"- eyes observing the empty roads.

HS: "Who the hell eats burgers for breakfast?"

Y/n: "Me, unless you have a healthier decision"

NJ: "Let's just go to a Café"

Y/n: "Fine~ what you all want"

TH: "Hot chocolate please"

JM: "Iced Green tea"

HS: "Coffe for me, large i didn't get much sleep. Hixtape..."

YG: "Americano"

NJ: "Yeah me too"

Jin: "mmm I want juice"

Y/n: "Guys i aint gonna remember anything just text me it, im driving here."

You looked for the closest Café in sight, finding one a few stores down the road. As concentrated as you were, you felt a set of eyes burning behind your head. You knew it was Jungkook. Jungkook stop looking at me. Moments later you parked up the car and headed into the Café to order what they desired to snack on whilst also buying you something to eat. You returned to the van, passing out the drinks to all the members.

Y/n: "Man the lady was giving me hella attitude. She was like "Is that just for you, it seems like too much". Even if it was mine, why would it matter to her, I'm the one that pays for her pay check".

After taking small nibbles from your sandwich, you continued your destination towards the airport. Traffic was slowly building up, so you took the shortest route possible. Out of pure instinct, you looked up at the rear mirror, there he was again. Jungkook's eyes dark and mysteriously scrutinized on your eyes. As tempting as he looked, you couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. Stop looking at me! It was as if you said those words aloud because all the members were looking at you, than back to Jungkook in a rather awkward and confused expression.

After 45 minutes you parked up the van in it's designated location, a smile across your simple features. Remembering that you were a girl, you slipped your phone out of your pocket dialling Sejin's number into your phone.

Y/n: "Hey Sejin, I'm here."

SJ: "You are? Wow your early it's only 7. Im gonna be running a little late... Girlfriend, but I'll text Jigaemae, he'll escort them inside."

Y/n: "Hah I can't relate. How long will he take?"

SJ : "mmm approximately half an hour?? 40 minutes no later."

Y/n: "Then what do I do?... Gosh, sometimes I wish I was a man so I could just walk with them casually."

SJ: "Yeah, sadly it will cause false rumors. I have no clue just, I don't know make sure they have everything I guess?"

Y/n: "For 30 minutes?"

SJ: "Just do something... I have to go, see you there."

Y/n: "Suppose so, catch ya later".

You hung the phone up and banged your head against the head rest out of irritation and boredom. The vibration of your phone grabbed your attention which you opened, surprised by a notification by Jungkook.

7:16AM Jungkook: Why are you banging your head like that...

7:16AM Y/n: U do realize were in the same car, breathing the same air...

7:17AM Jungkook: It's more private.

You left him on read as Jigaemae also sent you a message.

7:18AM Jigsaw: Why me?? Out of all the manager's. Sejin chooses me. Does he know how small I am!?! ILL GET CRUSHED

You sniggered at his cry for help, grabbing Jungkooks attention

7:19AM y/n: Too bad :p Im a girl. I can just imagine you getting squeezed between the paparazzi and a bodyguard. How fascinating ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

7:19AM Jigsaw: Im on my wayy ㅠㅠ By the time we get in the plane. Im gonna b in pieces.

7:19AM y/n: Hey at least we r travelling!! Plus we get paid too so win win!

7:20AM Jigsaw: For u! U can just walk in without a mob tackling ㅠㅡㅠ u!! Wish me luck, im gonna need it

7:20AM y/n: 후후후후 화이팅 Good luck shorty!

You locked the screen, satisfied with both the conversation and the reoccurring thought of Jigaemae crammed between a bodyguard and a metal pole. Jungkook however, was completely the opposite to how you felt. He oozed Jealousy and bleeded rage, he hated that anything he did never caught your attention. He wanted you, he didn't want the thousands and hundreds of girls that loved and worshiped him, or the most prettiest, smartest, open-minded women on earth, he wanted you. Honestly, you didn't have any features that made you stand out from the crowd, but to him you glowed everything he couldn't find in other people.

You asked the members if they had everything and if they wanted anything from the airport before you went.

Jk: "Can I come with you, please?"

Y/n: "I would say yes Jungkook but its too risky of a move".

Jk: "I have my mask?"

Y/n: "But your build. Every fan knows how well maintained and sculptured it is. Its just too risky".

Nj: "Cut him some slack man y/n. Just let him it'll be more interesting".

Y/n: "Okay~"

You were partially frustrated with Jungkook, he always asked if he could accompany you. Sometimes you just needed air away from work.

Jk: "So who was that you were texting? Boyfriend?"

Y/n: "Jungkook, you know im as lonely as your chilly pepper. Just like youse, I'm too busy working."

Jk: "Haha chilly pepper..."

The weather was cold and wet, it had started to pour, hitting the roads and uncovered pavements. The rain always made you feel at ease, melting your worries and stress with one drop of water.

Jungkook scanned your features, watching you admire the scenery. Why are you so...y/n. He was crazy for you. Whenever you entered the building wearing skirts or business shirts he would imagine himself ripping them off you and pounding into you until you basically scream his name. He couldn't help himself, he was a man after all. He really wished you would show some interest in him or at least reply to his cheesy flirting skills.

You and Jungkook strolled around the airport hoping to kill time. The mini journey was silent, none of you dared to ruin the comfortable atmosphere. As you were on your way back to the van, You spotted Jigaemae and Hyunsoo a few cars before the van.

Y/n: "Jigaemae, Hyunsoo!" - waving your hands, recklessly.

Jg: "Y/n! Jungkook!"

Hy: "Hello."

After exchanging each others presence, you strolled back to the van blabbing about business. From the corner of your eye, Jungkook was bulging his tongue from inside his cheeks, eyes focus on nothing but your small steps.

15 Minutes past, the boys were supervised by both their managers and the bulky thick men, muscles filling in every space between the boys. You couldn't control yourself and chuckle at the scene that unraveled before your eyes: the flashing of lights and bodies touching each and every person thirsty for a glimpse of the kpop sensation. Meeting up with your coworkers, you finalized any trips, hotels and management needed for the upcoming "vacation". Though one of your colleagues were gossiping about another colleague, you heard another discussion take place that interested you more.

Yb: "Someone told me that Jungkook likes someone in the company..."

Lp: "Yeah I heard about it too!" - whispering

Yb: "Who do you think it is? My eyes are on the new intern, she's always coming back with hickey's on her neck these days".

Lp: "I doubt it, I reckon he's into noonas that are dominant, you know?"

Yb: "Who like y/n?"

Your ears flinched with the sound of your name, intrigued that people thought you were 1) that sort of person 2) stimulating enough for a worldwide idol to see you in such light.

Lp: "Exactly yeah, just like her. I've seen the way he looks at her. When she's busy talking to another guy, he does that tongue thing. We all know what that means."

Yb: "Actually I've seen it too. I wish he liked me. I mean she isn't that pretty, I actually look more decent than her, V told me so."

Stop being so full of yourself. He only said you look pretty not better than my sexy body. You thought to yourself. The buzzing of your phone indicated that they were in the waiting room, ready for department. You informed everyone that it was time to go, effortlessly treading towards the room that held the seven members.

Y/n: "Is that everyone? Okay so we are all lucky enough to ride business class due to Bang pdnim so In favor for the big boss, let's enjoy ourselves and work hard as well!"

"YESS!!"

You all entered the airplane pleased that you wouldn't be spending 12 hours with a knot in your neck and sweaty arms colliding into each other. As you were Jungkooks personal manager, you were given the chair closest to the window, next to Jungkook. A big fat bunny grin planted on his face. Jungkook took this opportunity to know you better.

After the plane took off into the air you unbuckled yourself, snatching your camera from your bag. You snapped numerous photos of Seoul, watching the city minimize as the airplane flew higher into the air. Jungkook did not hesitate to appreciate your piquant side profile repetitively reminding himself why he fell for you in the first place. After your satisfied approval to yourself, you placed the camera back into your bag and sat back, letting the sofa chair massage your tense muscles.

Jk: "So, how's life?"

Without realising, your eyelids gradually grew heavier, which you cowardly admitted defeat. Jungkook was head over heels for you, even though you were snoring and drool dripped from your chin he couldn't help but think that one day he would wake up to this you...

Jk: "Hey, I like you. Please don't reject me."

A/N: It is I, the author. I am planning on doing a series for this.. Since it's the holidays nxt week. Ill do regular updates just simply comment if you want me to so I know I'm not doing this for nothing you know?

Like and Follow !!!

[ravenvsfox]

hey girl r u still working on part 3 of the trc/tfc crossover? please don't feel pressured by this ask omg im just popping in after reading part 1 & 2 again and telling u how much i luv it! have a nice day x

(love you, love your patience, you deserve 100 gold doubloons, but I hope this part 3 will do in the meantime)

The maserati peels through the deep-water evening, the cabin of the car black and still as the restless back of a movie theatre. The radio’s switched off and Nicky and Aaron were clipped quiet after the third time Nicky tried to wrestle Andrew into a conversation about superheroes. Neil watches Andrew’s profile in the domino light from passing headlights, the complex green glow from the dashboard. They’re caught in that ear-ringing kind of silence that feels like it’s submerged underwater.

A cat-eyed BMW changes lanes without signalling, and Neil watches it pull close into their side on the divided highway. He knows that the maserati is powerful, a sleek black tank, but the BMW would rob them and leave them on the side of the road if the driver wanted a race.

And he can tell that Ronan very much does want one; the way he’s sawing the car up from the speed limit to Andrew’s version of the speed limit to something that doesn’t look like a limit at all.

Neil recognizes the feeling of a car chase rubbing up against the side of the car and leering until you speed just to get away from it.

They stay in uncomfortable stasis, two sides of a jammed zipper, ripping down the road as one shiny dark monster. Five minutes pass and the BMW takes a slick lead, revving tauntingly as it shifts gears and pops into their lane. Andrew takes one lazy hand off the wheel and hands Neil his phone from the cupholder.

“Call Adam,” he asks. He puts his hand back on the underside of the wheel, driving with a thumb. “Remind him what following is.”

Neil stares dumbly at the phone in his hand, and abruptly it rings at him, the shrill bleat of the default tone.

“Unavailable name and number,” Neil reports. Andrew nods once, and Neil flips the phone open and presses it to his ear.

“Sorry that Ronan doesn’t know how to drive,” a woman’s voice says. There’s a muffled scratch of fabric and a laugh and then, “And sorry I invited myself along. I heard that Ronan and Adam were being tested gladiator style, is that right?”

Neil raises an eyebrow, and Andrew looks at him, away from the road and the Virginia license plate eating its way out of view.

“Who is this?”

“Christ. Blue. Obviously. So are you hazing them or what?”

“She wants to know if we’re hazing her teammates,” Neil murmurs, not bothering to cover the mouthpiece.

“She?” Nicky asks, leaning forward heavily, to the limits of his seatbelt.

“Blue,” Neil responds.

“Yes?” Blue says.

Neil frowns, uncomfortable with the whole misshapen misunderstanding. “We don’t haze people.” It’s so juvenile and absurd that he almost doesn’t recognize the words in his own mouth.

“Yeah! We’re not the lacrosse team, thank god,” Nicky chimes in, craning further over Neil’s shoulder.

“She’s with them?” Andrew asks. A nod. An almost imperceptible tightening of knuckles. “Ask for Adam.”

Blue continues, “Well I’d like to know why the rest of us were left out of whatever you’re doing, then. Doesn’t seem like great team-building to start segregating early.”

“Can you put Adam on the phone?” Neil asks, and Blue makes a small, affronted noise.

“I asked you a question,” she says evenly.

“You stated two facts,” he corrects. “I asked you a question.” He knows there’s no emotional headroom in anything he’s saying. He’s only half invested in the direction that this evening is going, but he knows that Andrew should be navigating this conversation, moving his own chess pieces.

The line shifts, but it’s still Blue ten seconds later, and she says, “It seems to me that luring two out of five of us out of the city in our first week doesn’t play like a friendly gesture. I don’t know if you’re picking favourites or least favourites, but I can guess. I know you want to speak to Adam, and I’ll put him on the phone, but I want you to know that we’re all worth speaking to. We’re all foxes, now.”

A jostle over the receiver, a look between Neil and Nicky, and then a longer, heavier look between Neil and Andrew. Something about this gaze is hard to carry.

“I didn’t realize that invites were only distributable by Andrew,” Adam says coolly.

“Adam,” Neil says, for Andrew’s benefit.

“Neil,” Adam returns. “Is this going to be a problem?”

“Your inability to listen? Probably.”

Adam doesn’t say anything, and Neil can hear Ronan asking questions, agitated, just beyond the sound of Adam’s breath.

“You invited me and Ronan. You didn’t ban Blue.”

“Tell them,” Andrew says, eyes forward, “to get behind us.”

Neil repeats this message down the line, and Adam snorts. The gait of the BMW in front of them skips even faster.

“Ronan doesn’t follow very well.”

“Then he shouldn’t be on our team,” Neil says tightly. There’s a pause that kicks and punches, and then Adam says,

“I have to say that you don’t lead very well, either. Maybe we’d do better under a more competent guide.”

“It wouldn’t be hard to do better than whatever it is you’re trying to do on court.”

Behind him, Nicky hisses like he’s been pinched. “Geez. Making friends, Neil?”

“Maybe not,” Adam says. “Better is attainable for us, but I’m not so sure about your vice-captaincy. I really don’t think you know how to command attention without hurting people.”

Neil goes hot. He’d forgotten how slippery humiliation feels, like a live thing on his skin.

“We’ll see you at Eden’s Twilight. Don’t worry about trying to catch up,” Adam adds, and hangs up. Neil leaves the phone at his ear, momentarily treading in his own surprise. He sees a slip of movement, and then Andrew’s hand is palm up between them.

He snaps the phone closed and drops it in Andrew’s waiting hand, mechanical.

“They’re meeting us there.”

“After that conversation?” Aaron asks. “They’re masochists.”

“That’s not what I asked for,” Andrew says, ignoring his brother, and Neil shrugs. He knows Andrew wants the whole production of a night in Columbia. He wants the string of teammates trailing out of his pocket, he wants the free entry and the parking pass, the psychological knife to the secretive neck, he wants control between his teeth.

“Well this is going to be a fun night out,” Nicky says sarcastically. “We’re not actually planning on drugging all three of them, are we?”

“No,” Neil says immediately, and Andrew says, mild,

“They’ll drink whatever we give them until we know why they need a dead language to keep their secrets.”

“Andrew—” Neil says, but Andrew turns needle eyes on him.

“I will do worse,” he says, his words chopped and peeled open. “If he tries you again.”

He doesn’t respond. Andrew’s been sitting in the middle of hot, repressed feeling since Ronan punched Neil. His regret has been blistering enough that it’s making Neil wilt next to him.

He’s just worried that these new ravens will try to pry open their closed ranks. He’s worried that the next piece of violence will graze Andrew. The rubbed-raw tension over the phone is syncing with the old feeling of anxiety from his first trip to Columbia.

He swallows around nausea and watches the bend in the road thread their car into the city limits.

_____

They don’t really stand out, but their faces give them away when they turn fretfully in the swaying crowd at the bar, closed and uncomfortable where everyone else is playing happy or sexy.

Neil can see the instability in Ronan’s scowl, the way the joints of it tighten when he scans the room, and loosen when he looks back at his friends. Adam is aloof and unthreatening in a pale crop-sleeved collared shirt, but his eyes are a landslide. Blue’s mouth opens — apparently pleased with the slide of lights and the dancers drenched in glitter — and closes when men look at her.

Andrew prowls into the kernel of the crowd encircling Roland. If they were alone, Neil would put his hands to the soft hair at the base of Andrew’s skull and press into the weak points until his shoulders slumped.

He can see Nicky waving at the ravens from the corner of his eye, and annoyance sinks its teeth into something in Neil’s brain when Blue waves back.

“Do you have to be so welcoming?” he asks bitterly. Nicky sighs, but touches his shoulder briefly, like he’s trying to be comforting.

“They’re called social niceties, and I’m setting an example for you.” He looks pointedly at Neil, then shoulders ahead to reach the trio before the rest of the group. He whispers to them, hurried and earnest, a bleeding heart soldier rushing into enemy territory to warn them of a coming attack.

Neil frowns. Ronan’s sizing them up, something limply threatening about his stance but truly unsettling about his eyes. It’s familiar, the expression that says he only recently found something to lose.

“Ah, friends, cousins, foxes. Good to see you,” Roland says, voice raised over the music. Nicky leans over the bar and air-kisses both of Roland’s cheeks, going for serious and suave and cracking up instead.

“It’s that time of year again,” Nicky tells him. Andrew gestures at the three newcomers and tilts his head at the bar. Roland winks.

“Finally, a challenge.” His eyes slide over the new recruits. “You three good to keep up?” Ronan snorts, and Roland smiles warmly at him. “Oh, this one’s confident. And cute.” His eyes slide over to Adam. “And this one! What exactly are your recruitment requirements again?”

“Get the ball, be angry about it,” Blue supplies, drumming chipped purple nails on the bar. Roland smiles wider. He’s pouring shots now, liquor tripping between glasses, one after another until Neil’s head pounds looking at them.

“Must be all that brooding athleticism that gives you your glow,” he jokes, pouring mix into a tumbler with one hand and rummaging for limes with the other. “Hey, if you guys are looking for a private interrogation corner, there’s the table farthest from the dance floor.” He nods in its direction, and Andrew turns immediately for it, parting the crowd, leaving an unborn fight behind him.

Neil festers in the way Ronan and Adam look at Andrew leaving and then at each other, like they know anything about him. He turns and follows Andrew after a beat, unable to stomach it. Everything about this fight is uncanny and unpleasant, wrapped up in privilege and misunderstanding and enemies that look too much like reflections. He prefers villains who know that they’re villains.

Andrew looks at him, eyes slitted gold.

“I don’t like this,” Neil admits. Andrew waits for an explanation and Neil struggles to find one. “I don’t like feeling like we’re starting from scratch with five fresh problems.”

“I would’ve thought you’d be comfortable with waves of problems given that you are one.”

Neil purses his lips, hikes himself up onto the tall chair, and indulges him. “But I was the only one.” Andrew’s hand curls on the table top. “And I know this bothers you as well, Andrew, you’re not hiding it very well.”

“I’m not trying to.”

“No, you never try, do you,” Neil says, and feels righteous anger balloon at the same time that shame crawls down through his body. It leaves him off kilter, like one ear popped but the other is still dull. Andrew stares at him.

Truthfully, all Andrew ever does is try to affect indifference and keep all the lids on all his boxes and strategize the safety of others by becoming a more tempting target.

“That was such shit. I’m sorry. It was—“

“I think it’s Ronan,” Andrew interrupts, drawing idle circles on the table with his thumb. “He’s the secret that they’re keeping, the gun in Adam’s hand.” Neil blinks, chewing this information over.

But he doesn’t have time to swallow it, because the rest of the group is oozing into the seats around the table, Aaron with a comically over-full tray held aloft, Nicky laughing at something a crooked-smiled Blue has said, Adam calm, Ronan furious.

They drink, for a while, Andrew distributing the spiral of glasses in an unfathomable order. The conversation is shouted and confused as if spoken from two separate sides of a great wall. Ronan tosses whiskey down like he knows it and hates it, loping beside Nicky and Aaron, who drink in search of the upper limits of drunk.

Blue drinks with her eyebrow crooked and her mouth wet, always. She often looks like she’s remembering something that pricks.

Adam doesn’t drink at all.

Neil can see his hand on Ronan’s back and his eyes on Blue, and his gears change to do the opposite from minute to minute, transparently concerned with whatever the people around him are doing or planning or ignoring.

“You don’t drink?” he asks Adam carefully. Adam takes a sip of water and shakes his head.

“I’m driving.”

“You’ll stay at our house,” Andrew tells him, and Adam pauses before he shakes his head again.

“No, I don’t think we will.”

Andrew shrugs. “I disagree.”

Adam’s eyes bounce from Andrew to Nicky, then Aaron, searching for an explanation.

“We don’t do whatever you say,” Ronan says. “We actually have opinions of our own, you know, strength of will? That thing that doesn’t exist in your company?” He looks at Andrew, then meaningfully to Neil.

“Hey,” Nicky warns. “If you think Neil isn’t opinionated, then I don’t know what sports channel you’ve been watching.”

“Have a drink,” Andrew says, ignoring everyone but Adam, pushing a sweating glass towards him. “It’s tradition.”

“We’re not big on tradition,” Blue says, suspicious and slow.

“Neither are we,” Nicky says quickly. “But we have our moments. We’re not going to hurt you, we just want to do something nice. After all the— uh. Not so nice.”

“One drink,” Adam agrees cautiously. He pushes the proffered glass back towards Andrew with two fingers. “But I’ll pick my own.” He slips off of his chair, hand pulling from Ronan’s as he fades back through the crowd to the bar.

“Why are you pushing this so hard,” Ronan asks, face blank for the first time all evening, looking out into the waves of people like Adam is a single ship on a flat horizon. Neil can see Andrew raising his chin at Roland, and something in his chest fizzles.

“We’re making peace—“ Nicky starts.

“No,” Ronan says. “I think you want something from us, and the only way you know how to get it is to get us fucked up first.”

“Wouldn’t it be counterproductive,” Andrew says, “to be drinking, ourselves?”

“He’s only on his first glass,” Ronan nods to Neil, then pins Andrew with chilly eyes.“And I think you can hold your liquor.”

“How generous,” Andrew says. Blue makes a small, irritated noise.

“Can we stop antagonizing one another, please, I’m getting a headache.”

“You wanted to come along, dude,” Ronan tells her.

“Yes, wanted,” Blue agrees. “Before I realized that we were gearing up to the world’s most violent pissing contest.”

“We’ll play nice if you do,” Nicky offers, going to throw an arm around her shoulders that she blocks.

“That’s not how you win,” Neil says.

“There’s no winning in polite conversation, Neil, buddy.”

The whole table shoves suddenly sideways, glasses skittering and liquor spilling in thick rivulets over laps and down to the sticky floor. Adam catches himself heavily on Ronan’s thigh.

“You’re— have— the bartender? You fucking—“

“Adam,” Ronan says, soft and urgent as hummingbird wings. He cups Adam’s face, but Adam’s so off balance that Ronan’s hands end up being the only things holding him up. Adam shakes his head in his grip, touching his own mouth, then Ronan’s, eyes blurry and scared.

“Don’t drink anything.” His eyes crash into Blue next. “Don’t drink,” he repeats.

“Did you—“ Ronan stops, mouth moving, too incredulous to swallow properly. “You drugged him?”

Andrew doesn’t respond, so Ronan kicks the table over directly into him — it hits his abdomen heavily and rolls off to the side. Andrew goes down with it.

“Oh fuck,” Nicky says, standing shakily out of the way. Something moves next to Neil, fast, and he thinks distractedly that it’s his patience rotting and dropping from the tree. He steps into the fray, reeling back to punch Ronan in the face twice in quick succession, hard enough to split the skin at his knuckles. Blue grapples with his elbow as he does it, cursing, biting, until Neil falls back far enough that she can drag her friends out of his reach.

The last thing Neil sees before he drops down to check on Andrew is Ronan holding Adam up by the waist, eyes cracked open, thunderous.

“Drew,” Neil says quietly. He knows his face is tightly pulled, a mask with the strings cutting his circulation. “What’s the plan here?”

Andrew’s obviously winded when he says, “show them—” a stuck breath, “—that we’re the same kind of monsters that they are.”

“What?”

“Um. Neil,” Nicky says.

Neil looks up. He realizes first that Aaron has disappeared, and second, that he was the only other person who sprang forward when Andrew was downed.

“Fuck,” Neil says. He stands, trying to pinpoint the familiar gleam of blond, the fast, blocky movements that he shares with Andrew.

He sees Ronan first, inspecting Adam’s eyes in the real light from the propped men’s room door. Blue seems to be acting as lookout, and the minute Aaron storms into their space, she holds a folded switchblade up at him. It’s like half of a threat, more confusing than frightening.

Neil starts pushing towards them, but he can see Aaron dodging Blue and taking Ronan to the wall, hard.

“Aaron,” he calls, when he sees hands go to Ronan’s throat. “We still need them.”

“For what?” Aaron snarls. “To make an example out of them? To keep stringing them along until they lash out harder, draw blood?”

“To use,” Neil says. “And train.”

Aaron looks back at him, wild-eyed, and Ronan twists out of his grip, holding Aaron’s wrists at odd angles. Neil sighs and yanks him out of reach, putting a warning hand up between them.

“No fucking chance,” Ronan says. He looks at Adam and his jaw clenches. “We’re out. We don’t need to be here, we’re not like you.”

“You are,” Neil argues, looking at Ronan with his issues seeping through the ill-fitting bandage of his bravado, Adam with his brow furrowed against the drugs, Blue with her jaw jutted like Allison and her hair cropped like Dan and her hands steady like Renee. “That’s why you’re here.”

“So now you wanna be friends?” Blue asks, disbelieving. “Did you finally realize we were human beings?”

“I don’t care about being your friend,” Neil says honestly. “You need to realize that friendship and teamwork are different.”

“You can’t threaten us into a corner and then act like you taught us a valuable lesson by putting us there,” Blue says. Neil wonders if she knows that she’s placing herself just a little bit forward, her hands creeping out in front of her friends.

“Threaten implies that it was one sided,” Andrew says, slotting himself in between Aaron and Neil. Nicky falls in behind, sheepish.

“You— you had the bartender make sure I wasn’t a threat at all,” Adam struggles to say.

Andrew looks unimpressed. “And?”

“And there’s a difference between fighting to win, and fighting because it feels good to break your fists,” Ronan says. He juts his jaw like someone who was raised in the gym, not the streets.

“Is there?” Neil asks, moving forward, feeling Andrew’s presence at his back like a lighter catching. “Fighting is always fighting, no matter what you get at the end. I can’t tell if you really think you’re helpless victims or if you want moral high ground so badly that you’re climbing your own shitty ladder to get there, but if you’re this concerned with winning, then we can use you. Can you use us?”

Blue and Adam look at each other, a lopsided glance. Ronan’s gaze is unwavering.

“We can,” Adam urges. “There— I. Know. The sort of people who never fight. For themselves. And I don’t want to be… near them anymore.”

The column of Ronan’s throat moves, and the corners of his eyes go tight. “They took away your self control and acted like it was a fucking favour.”

“It’s not the same,” Adam says quietly, swaying on his feet but otherwise looking remarkably sober. They’re putting hands to an ugly memory that no one else can see.

Neil looks back at Andrew and then squares his shoulders, bolstered by the clear day he finds in his face.

“They’re a nightmare,” Ronan says, with finality.

“Funny. Do you know what’s in our nightmares?” Nicky asks, too plainly to be a joke.

“Ravens,” Neil finishes for him.

Ronan flinches, a pale twitch of a thing. Ravens mean something very different to him, but Neil’s not entirely sure that it’s a good thing. His eyes linger on Adam leaning against the wall, his face grim, damp with sweat, and smiling so slightly. Blue nods cautiously.

“I’m not a big fan of ravens either,” she says conspiratorially.

“Bullshit,” Ronan says, but his tone is lifting like hoisted blinds.

“Let us— let us—” Adam breathes hard. “We prioritize. I know you want us to be a team. But if my family’s a part of that team, then I cover them first. I fight for them first.”

“Now you’re speaking Andrew’s language,” Nicky grins. “We look after our own.”

Andrew doesn’t interject, and Neil knows then that this whole evening was engineered to fail. He stares at the side of Andrew’s face, the indifferent slope of his profile. The more you defend yourselves, the more you expose the things that matter.

“Okay,” Ronan says. “This has been fucked up. We’re going back to the dorm.” He doesn’t say ‘home’, but in a way that makes the absence of it is heavy. Neil bows his head.

“You can actually stay at our place, if you’re not sober,” Nicky suggests. “Kevin’s not around, so you can share his room.” He starts gesturing people towards the exit, pushing them around without pushing them around. It’s a strange, twitchy skill of his, walking and talking with such confidence that people feel compelled to catch up.

“Why do you have a place in Columbia?” Blue asks curiously, falling in awkward step with the gangly group of them, tense and angry in truce, too many of them to stay together in the throng.

“Why does Gansey have a villa in Spain?” Andrew replies. Neil’s mouth curls. He always knows too much, in a bored sort of way.

Adam scoffs, then frowns at his own reaction. Neil can tell that he’s exactly as undone as Andrew wanted, sloppy enough that his suppression is loose and imperfect.

“Are you also obscenely rich?” Blue asks drily. “Because that’s why Gansey has most things.”

Nicky scoffs, Aaron says something mean and true, and the weight of the conversation finally finds its way onto wheels and rolls itself out of the club. Roland waves as they go, and Ronan flips him off viciously.

“You can stop waiting for us to fail,” Ronan tells Neil as they totter out into the parking lot, sweat and adrenaline drying, leaving alcohol to warm and wobble them over uneven pavement. “We’ve survived worse than college Exy.”

“So have I,” Neil says. “And I still feel like I’m failing, constantly. Confidence is dangerous.”

Ronan looks at the ground. Neil can hear his jaw working, see his hand jumping to twist his wristbands. Neil’s hand goes to his own armband, instinctive.

“Thanks for—ditching the lying bullshit, at least,” Ronan says through his teeth. He looks ahead, to Aaron watching Andrew for pain, to Adam strung up between Blue and Nicky. “Lying slows people down.”

Neil almost smiles. “So do secrets.” Ronan’s shoulders tense, and Neil rolls his neck, lazy, the maserati hoving into view up ahead. “Ronan.”

Ronan turns eyes on him, low-intensity, idling.

“I’ll trade you,” Neil offers. “Truth for truth.”

Part One  Part Two

[btsdadd-blog]

hi, i'm really glad you're back and i'm sorry for all that happened, but i have to ask.. could you, if you don't mind, say some more details or examples about what has been happening/happened before you got help? because while reading about your experiences, it seemed like you were describing me, but like in worse state. So i also want to ask, should i also get checked somehow or do you think that it won't develope to that kind of a worse... illness?

so, i’m not a psychiatrist. im just some kid with a sickness. so i have no idea how you are and what you may be but i can definitely describe what my experience with schizophrenia is like? and i have minor symptoms in some areas, so ill also describe what they can be. 

also, for the second half of your question, you really have to look at yourself. are these symptoms something you worry about, or do they affect your daily life? are they causing problems for you? have they changed your behavior? because they might be strong enough to consider seeing a psychiatrist. you could talk to a doctor and see if they can find a psychiatrist? or try to make an appointment with one? a consultation or somth might provide some answers, and you could take it from there if it is something to worry about. 

hallucination- ive been having minor auditory hallucinations since i was little. i hear buzzing, knocking, clicking, and thumping that no one else hears. as a kid, i complained about my ‘brain creaking’ and was kept up at night feeling that someone was knocking on the walls, or the front door. i know these are in my head because ive learned to check them- i move my head left and right, and if the sound changes, i can tell that it is outside my head. 

however, some people hallucinate voices. they could hear anywhere from whispering to yelling, one to many voices. ive met other people with voices and they really take up their heads. command voices are the worst of them, voices that tell the person to hurt themselves, hurt others, or voices that say terrible and offensive things. 

visual hallucinations for me would be two things. my main hallucination is a tall, smoky man made of black sticks and mist. his name is the Cornish Man. when i was having my psychotic episodes, i would see him outside the window or past the fence, waiting for me. i also was deluded; i knew that he was going to hurt me, and that he was Death. i knew that the moment i relaxed, he would come to hurt me. minor hallucinations of mine would be seeing pieces of him in my peripherals, things moving in dark areas, and pulsing of objects in low light. 

other people can experience really any other hallucinations- theyre just something you see that others dont. i dont really know other people with visual hallucinations so i cant really provide explanations

paranoia- i was paranoid about several things- i believed that the government collected peoples DNA for some sinister purpose, and because of this refused to give blood or leave things like band-aids or other things with my dna on them in public trash cans, etc. as well, i believed that not only was i being watched by the Cornish Man, but i was also being watched by a ton of other people. i felt their eyes on my back everywhere i went. i couldn’t sit with my back to a window. the blinds were usually drawn in any room i was in, especially at night. i also feared mind readers. i thought that my brain wasnt private, and would suddenly ‘scream’ in my head to see if anyone around me was surprised, if they had been reading my mind. finally, i also knew that microphones and video cameras were hidden in rooms, and routinely checked for them. i refused anyone who told me that they werent there. 

i think that there are a lot of different paranoias, but mine were pretty textbook? 

oh yeah btw, im using past tense because my meds have really helped me have a clearer head, but i still cant shake some of my symptoms. im just trying to used past tense so that i can try to put them ‘behind’ me. 

delusion- delusions for me were very similar to my paranoias. i was deluded into thinking these were true. as well, i was very stuck in the idea that people were out to get me. however, for other people, they may be deluded into thinking they are a god, robot, all sorts of things. 

thoughts- for a long time, my thoughts were very disorganized. i jumped from one topic to th next very quickly, used made up or mashed together words, and lost focus and my train of thought (this made if very hard to write my stories) 

as well, i was very socially… distant? i was not very emotional and most of my interactions were forced. ive never truly felt romantic feelings towards someone? all of the things ive been talking about on here were just like, surface vanities? i was trying very hard to feel these things, so i acted like i did. it never worked though. i never really felt anything. when funny or sad things were happening, i had to mock the facial expression i was supposed to do. most of the time, had i not been mocking, i would have been straight faced and uninterested. 

there are lots of other symptoms of schizophrenia. these are jus the main ones that ive experienced and met others that do. please look them up on your own on trustworthy websites because of course, again. im just some kid with a keyboard. im no doctor, not a professional.