#im so fucking annoying too cause like even a week ago i was totally fine im just thinking all this cause im in a bad mood

[diaenerys]

if i went through what i went through when i was 15 now i would not have survived it

[jungxk]

just one (viii)

summary: the only guy on campus who’s track record trumped that of your best friend’s - park jimin - was jeon jungkook. not that that was a problem…until he set his sights on you.

notes: first of all i wanna thank the people who supported me and encouraged me through one of the worst writers blocks of my life. all the messages and comments are the reason why i finally managed to post this. special thanks to @whippedforkook for helping me with the monstrous tagging process as well as giving me so much praise. and also @lonelyending for cheering me on for a literal YEAR bc thats how long i cried over this fic! this story is so special to me. we’re in the home stretch now x

warnings: mentions of illegal drug use and distribution, swearing, brief smut.

genre: drama, romance, humour, college!au

wordcount: 8k

tagging: @cutechim @benz-biarritz @gyukult @bangulin @eatersanonymous @alyssa1926 @skivv1es @a-sucker-for-them-sappy-shit @moonights @jeymuffins @juuneaux @catsukiii @andreaisaac @whatheydontunderstand @sreveles @noruls619 @henryharios @just-a-fuxked-up-kid @befriendswithj @btsbesharam @poemsandpunani @taelha @misosoup-forthesoul @jikooksmut @heart-eyedmf @the-piano-woman @angrysunshine @chaoticpaperfanhoagie @jsungshine @ci-yen @faby-montana @shinypeanutsportshero @jooniestrivia @alucards-s @cynamyngirl @jiminie-angel @myskoova @jkshoneybuns @smokintae @remmykinsff @majinbuwu @jangx2manboongx2 @potatodogs @seul-queen @alpharyth @blenxxxg @plsky @th-singularity @bapbaptothetop @hermiones-enchantment @stomachfilledwithbutterflies @euphorora @supachloe94 @jiminxjimout @ggukkieland @just-another-fic-recs-blog @jalexad​

part i // part ii // part iii // part iv // part v // part vi // part vii // part viii // part ix // part x

x

4 years ago

x

jimin hated yugyeom.

well, maybe hate was a strong word. he just didn't like talking to him, being around him, hearing his name or interacting with him on any level, social or otherwise. he really tried though, since he was one of jungkook's closest friends and still respectfully referred to him as hyung above all else. and if anything, jimin would always have a soft spot for jungkook, the kid he used to coddle when his own brother wasn't around. but having said that, there wasn't really much basis for not liking yugyeom. it was just a gut feeling jimin couldn't explain, a very subtle callousness about him only jimin could pick up on. for the most part he was just like very other mild mannered boy by day and party animal by night, but jimin still ducks when he sees him enter the library.

"fuck," he hisses under his breath, scooping up his laptop to stride behind a book shelf for good measure. because sometimes, contrary to popular belief, jimin wanted to be alone. he didn't want to make small talk or listen to someone tell him about how well they scored on their last paper or complain about their annoying girlfriend. sometimes jimin wanted to have no thoughts and listen to fleetwood mac as per his human rights. which is why he shoves into the first private study room he sees.

and not an empty one at that. there's a girl inside, sitting cross-legged in her chair at a desk with an array of dried up paint tubes and brushes surrounding open sketchbooks. you don't look annoyed or even that phased, just amused as you give him a once over before going back to painting. "on the run from solji?"

jimin blinks, back still pressed against the door. "huh?" he regards you properly. "i'm sorry, have we met before?"

"not really," you admit with a sheepish smile, which is when jimin suddenly realises that you're...attractive. "solji is in my stats class. you hooked up with her last week at some party and she told me about it."

"oh," jimin takes in your plethora of art supplies. "you don't look like a stem student."

there's a glimmer of something in your eyes, and though you hide it well jimin knows he's struck a nerve. "yeah, i get that a lot."

"it's not solji by the way," jimin clarifies. for some reason. "that i'm hiding from. just a bellend i don't have the energy for right now."

you smile. "it's fine. you don't owe me your life story."

"i do when i'm about to impose on your...study time," jimin peers through the window in the door, wincing when yugyeom enters the hallway. "what would it take for you to let me stay in here for a while?"

you pause for a second. "honestly? just be quiet and leave me alone. is that okay?"

jimin perks up, a weight leaving his chest. "perfect, actually."

x

x

x

[jungkook 11:42pm]: why does it say wings on it

[jungkook 11:42pm] where is it flying

[you: 11:43pm] ffs kook

[you: 11:44pm] im still on the toilet can u just hurry up

[you 11:44pm] grab some tampons too pls

[jungkook 11:46pm] fine what size pussy do u wear

[you 11:46pm] i hate u

[jungkook 11:53pm] ???? ? ? well? ????

[you 11:54pm] REGULAR 

jungkook giggles at his phone, already having left the women's sanitary aisle to grab some chocolate. months later and teasing you was still bundles of fun. he knew for a fact that you were sat there with that angry pout on your face, nose crinkled. he had never bought anything like this before, but jungkook had enough brain cells to know that chocolate was another necessity for that time of the month. after grabbing a large hazelnut bar, he pauses beside the oreos before grabbing a packet of those too. just for good measure. he strides to the self checkout - because even he wasn't man enough for the cashier yet - nearly dropping his array of sanitary products and confectionary when somebody calls out his name from behind the queue.

"kook!" the voice is unmistakably yugyeom's, confirmed by the hand that clamps jungkook over the shoulder and swivels him round before he could think about hiding his socially compromising shopping items. it takes a second for yugyeom to notice, doing a double take at the pads atop his small tower of goods. he holds back a laugh, balancing a bottle of gin in one hand while he waves back at some friends to continue. they were clearly making their pit stop before a night out, probably pre's if they still start as late as jungkook remembers. with his hair styled and expensive cologne lingering, jungkook almost forgets he probably looks unrecognisable in his sweats and cotton-fresh hoodie. friday nights weren't for cuddling. still, yugyeom's smile is welcoming and familiar. "got the munchies? and maybe also a uterus?"

"shut up," jungkook grumbles, averting his eyes. he shifts to his other foot uncomfortably. "my friend just needed a favour, that's all."

"uh huh," yugyeom gives him a teasing look. "is this friend the reason why i barely saw you at jin's the other week?"

jungkook blinks back at him. "wait, you were at that party? i had no idea!" a boyish smile breaks over his face. "why didn't you call me? i haven't seen you since-"

"minseok-hyung's new years eve party," yugyeom throws his head back with a laugh. "remember how we ended up on a boat after the ball dropped and-"

"spent all of new years day detained by the coast guard!" jungkook finishes with a mischievous cackle of his own, nearly dropping the tampons in the process. "fuck, that was so much fun! we need to meet up again, i haven't been out with the guys in so long."

"well no wonder," he quips a brow at jungkook's shopping again. "word got out you're a family man but i didn't believe it. until now, that is."

jungkook's smile falls. "what do you mean?"

yugyeom looks at him for a second, confused by jungkook's surprise. yugyeom was never quite as diplomatic as namjoon or yoongi, to put it lightly. and definitely nowhere near as accomodating as jimin. which is why his next words make jungkook's back stiffen. "bro, look at yourself. you got dairy milk in one hand and tampax in the other. on a friday night. the next time i see you i wouldn't be shocked if you had a baby buggy and a mortgage." still, yugyeom throws him an apologetic look. like a mouse caught in a trap. "face it, kook. you're old news."

"what? that's not true," his brows furrow unhappily. "i don't know what you're talking about. it's not like she's my..."

he can't say the word, but it hangs between them like a dead weight.

"yeah, right," the condescending look on yugyeom's face was starting to agitate him. "you totally blanked us at jin's after she showed up. not even just jin's..." he thinks twice about holding his tongue, but as always, decides against it. "i don't know you, jungkook. whoever this new jungkook is. it's been months. you used to hit us up and be independent and spontaneous and wild and now you're just...someone's boyfriend.

"stop fucking saying that," jungkook snaps, all visible signs of friendliness gone.

"why?" a beat. "do you even use a wrap with her anymore?"

jungkook splutters, heat rushing to his ears and hands in a stinging combination of anger and embarrassment. "how is that any of your business? the fuck are you asking me something like that, as if you-"

"thought so," yugyeom looks away from him with a sigh. if anything, yugyeom knew never to overstay his welcome but that clearly backfired tonight. "whatever, jungkook," he looks over his shoulder at him. "guess you're the last one to find out you're officially married."

"you're ridiculous," jungkook scoffs. "all this over condoms? grow up, yugyeom."

"only couples do it raw," yugyeom turns away from him, alcohol in tow as he waves a hand over his shoulder to join his friends like jungkook was nothing but a lost cause. "you would remember that if you still had game."

jungkook stands there, dumbfounded while the group of boys exit the store noisily but he can't hear a thing. the siren that had been itching the back of his mind all this time was suddenly there at full force, right between his eyes. the glaring truth that yugyeom might be right makes his knees buckle. all those rules jungkook once had, all those measures he kept in place to protect his liberty, to prevent this very occurence - where were they? what happened to them? as the sweet and accommodating counterpart to jimin, why had you never complied? though, the blame wasn't on your hands alone. he got complacent, comfortable. lenient. and now without even realising he was here, a scene from a romcom in the middle of the night, with nothing to say for himself but fuck. the realisations wouldn't stop racing, one after another on the conveyer belt of his anxiety.

the photos on his phone; mostly you. time spent, usually with you. the portfolio for his latest photography module also had some resemblance to your interests. charcoal pencils, night drives, orchids. like the ones you always drew on any scrap of paper lying around. now that he thinks about it, he's seen nothing but your orchids for months. and not just that - you wore his clothes sometimes too. his bathroom had your toothbrush, contraceptive pills and coconut shampoo. his closest friends, his hyungs...not one of them was devoid of affection for you. he wasn't even confident that if the choice was presented, they would still pick him over you.

by the time jungkook finishes paying and practically sprints to his truck in a daze, he can hardly keep himself from shaking. he palms the wheel compulsively, he could feel the sweat in his sideburns, hoodie suddenly suffocating him. it smelled of you.

and then, like a final curtain call: was he just your latest fixer-upper project? some good girl wet dream to play out in the wake of your emotionally traumatic past? a slap in the face to seokjin, maybe, and nothing more? when you were done, when he was out of your system, when you knew his taste by heart and had nothing new left to try - would you stay? did you even know how to?

did he?

jungkook starts the engine. he drives to your door, drops your bag of snacks and pads on the porch, and texts you before leaving. he does not go inside.

x

x

x

"you sure you'll be okay with just the boys?"

you scoff at seulgi when she pins you with a worrying look, taking some of her clothes out of her bag to re-fold them just so you had something to do with your hands. jisoo had already left for the long weekend with her family, so there was no one there to fill up the empty space between your awakward reply. you didn't know how to tell the girls that jungkook hadn't contacted you in nearly a month. and even though he was a notable flight risk from the beginning, you couldn't help but feel like there was hostility there. every now and again he'd at least send a nude or have a quick phone call when he was drunk or high at three in the morning, but you hadn't heard a peep from him. you couldn't stand the idea of someone you cared about harbouring comtempt for you, but the fear of reaching out and somehow making the situation worse outweighed it tenfold. 

you look up to see seulgi still staring at you with concern. "of course i'll be fine! they're boys, not piranhas."

"at least piranhas contribute our ecosystem. boys just cause problems for the hell of it," seulgi lays a hand on the crown of your head like a berating big sister, swivelling you to look at her in your fit of giggles. the urge to nestle you under blankets like a baby bird made her chest heave, and you could tell. "i'm serious. if jimin tries anything, call me immediately okay?"

"jimin?" you snort. "out of a room full of delinquents, my ex, and taehyung, you're worried about jimin of all people?"

seulgi wrinkles her nose. "god, when you say it like that its like i'm throwing you to the dogs." she pauses. "something's up with jimin. i don't know what it is, but he's...off."

you tilt your head innocently, remembering the brief interaction you had with hobi at seokjin's party. you had been so caught up in jungkook - or lack thereof - you hadn't thought to press him about it afterwards. in truth, jimin remained as...jimin as ever. if he was acting differently you certainly couldn't tell. "you think so?"

"mmm," she leans on the lip of the open suitcase thoughtfully. "but maybe with jungkook there, he'll behave himself."

you gulp, fiddling with his watch on your wrist anxiously. "maybe."

x

x

x

you nearly yelp when you feel a big hand swivel around your waist, bucking into the kitchen counter reflexively. jungkook always did this before rubbing his boner against your ass, but the light scent of citrus and short squeeze lets you know immediately that its taehyung. hoseok, jimin, namjoon and yoongi were still in the living room playing video games, giving taehyung the perfect opening to intercept you. namjoon and yoongi had insisted that you come over to their place after finding out you'd be alone for the weekend, and you had completely refused before taehyung's coaxing. and of course, jimin's persuasive nudging. even though you felt safe and relaxed here, it felt wrong to be in jungkook's friends' place without him. almost like a breaching of an unspoken boundary.

and clearly, taehyung picked up on your discomfort by the way he stared at you so softly. his back was to the sink, his sillhouette particularly long and lean this evening. "you need to lighten up, princess. you keep looking over your shoulder so much it's making me nervous!"

your visibly droop with a sigh. "i'm sorry tae. i've had a lot on my mind lately, and..."

he claps his hands on your shoulders, teeth peeking through his grin. "you're not doing anything illegal by being here without jungkook."

you wince at his name. "have you always been able to read my mind like this?"

"absolutely," taehyung's brown eyes look so rich up close. "you're allowed to have friends that are also his friends, because - and try to stick with me on this - relationships between people are allowed to be independant from the primary circles they met in. mind boggling concept, i know."

you wack him on the chest until he laughs. "stop making fun of my anxious thought processes! its called mental illness, sherlock! i can't help it!"

his nose scrunches cutely, enjoying your first fiery outburst of the day. "whatever. i call it not getting laid for a month and losing critical thinking abilities from it."

you gape at him indignantly while taehyung roars with laughter. "you're such a dickhead," you hiss through gritted teeth, yanking his hair and jabbing your fingers in his sides the way you would with jimin during a tickle fight. "whores have feelings too, taehyung! whores have feelings too!"

you both fall about with laughter, knocking over half the snacks on the counter in the process which only makes the pair of you laugh even more. it's such childish chaos trying to clean up the mess on the tiny kitchen floor that neither of you notice the front door open, or the gust of metaphorical and literal wind that follows. watching taehyung trying to salvage a bag of broken crisps is just so funny that the presence of an another voice in the living room goes unregistered, as do the footsteps leading up the hallway to the kitchen, so you have no time to brace yourself or properly pull yourself together with you see-

"...jungkook."

yours and taehyung's heads snap to the doorway. jungkook stands there with almost complete lack of emotion on his face to the pair of you kneeling in crumbs and napkins. there's a brief pause where the tension in your eye contact alone was so strong that it felt wrong to breathe. but it is shortlived. jungkook tiptoes over you like spilled milk, reaching for a glass of water. you and taehyung lock eyes while the tap runs in the awkward silence. "hey. you okay?"

"um," you're not sure whether to stand up, hug him, look at him, or even face him. "yeah! yeah, i'm fine."

he nods politely. "hyung?"

even taehyung looks visibly uncomfortable. "i'm good."

"cool. see you later," he says, downing the glass impressively fast before leaving the room just as fast as he entered it.

you and taehyung stare at each other again, not understanding why you both feel like kids caught eating cake before dinner. you could feel the sweat pricking at your back from the realisation. jungkook had no idea you'd be here, and given that interaction he'd probably want to leave now. there was always the inkling woven between his radio silence that he was done with you, but you never let yourself take it seriously out of logic. because how could months of passion and tenderness and honesty be undone so irrevocably like that? it didn't make sense. you hadn't changed. you were the same girl he hit on relentlessly and chased against all odds. so what was different now?

"____," taehyung calls your name gently, and it's only then you realise you're already up and trailing after jungkook into the living room. when you walk in he's already putting his shoes on to leave again, barely making eye contact with you while he chats absently to his hyungs so he can look busy. the four boys on the large sofa can only reply wearily, eyes darting between the pair of you like a firework was about to blow to soon. and it was.

you could feel it in your throat, under your breast bone, bubbling up your stomach. "wait, jungkook. um...h-how have you been? i haven't heard from you in-"

"i've been good," he keeps tying and re-tying his laces without looking up. "super busy. you know how it is."

his curtness makes you flinch. this same time last month jungkook used to kiss you senseless before he had both feet in the door. he'd ring the doorbell incessantly like a child and greet you with the biggest, toothiest grin you had ever seen. he'd make fun of your bed head and squeeze your cheeks until you'd snap at him. and now when he looked at you he hated every second of it. your mother had the same look. your eyes start to burn involuntarily. "yeah, i do. how is uni? your final project is due soon, right? what theme did you pick in the end?"

"the one i told you about," he stands up abruptly. "sorry, noona. something came up. i'll see you arou-"

"something came up?" you step closer to him. "something came up the second you saw my face? or did you really just trek all the way to your hyungs' place for a glass of water, jungkook?"

jungkook stiffens, but is determined not to lose face. and it's difficult to do under your big, accusatory eyes and jimin's death stare at his back. the whole room was waiting for his response, so he just shoves his hands in his pockets resolutely. "i needed to see yoongi hyung, but i can come another time."

you fold your arms. "well it's clearly important, and you're here now. so don't let me stop you."

"but you will stop me," jungkook snaps. "that's the problem."

"kook-ah," yoongi warns quietly, but he took one look at your face and knew the damage was done. jimin was already standing up, circling around the back of the sofa towards you. the red lights were all there; your watery eyes, your trembling hands. every breath you took looked difficult for you to complete and only jimin noticed.

"what are you talking about?" you squint. it takes you a second to understand; yoongi's guilty expression, jungkook's indifference. "oh, you're fucking kidding me." your resolve breaks for a second turning away only to glare back at jungkook with so much fire you can hardly stand it. "you're selling again? are you insane, jungkook?"

"see," jungkook's eyes are stony. "i knew you'd get this way."

"what other way am i supposed to get?" his lack of response only infuriates you more. it felt disrespectful. "jungkook, you're not a kid anymore. if you get caught with drugs the consequences are serious! forget the potential jail time, you could get kicked out of university, it would go on your record forever and-"

"stop talking to me like i'm a kid!"

"then stop acting like one!" you hate raising your voice, but it keeps climbing without your approval. "did you think about this for even five minutes? this isn't like just going to juvie like before and being done with it jungkook. your hyungs can't bail you out of everything."

"this is a lot of talk for someone who lapped up those fancy paints without a second thought," jungkook says darkly. his eyes aren't like you remember, his face solemn and near unrecognisable. "or did you think that getting that kind of money overnight is only something that's possible through daddy's credit card?"

dread blooms like a garden inside you. "that's...that's how you bought the paint set?"

"welcome to the real world," he quips. "as if selling overpriced weed to a bunch of pick-me-freshmans is considered a crime against humanity to anyone but you."

"you think that's why i'm yelling at you right now?" your voice was growing hoarse, desperate. "you think that's the problem i have with you being literal drug dealer, jungkook?"

he hates it. the sweltering silence, the judgmental eyes digging into his back, the slow realisation that the tears in your eyes were not at him but for him. jungkook's ears ring enough to make him sway on the spot if his feet weren't planted so firmly on the dingy carpet, this metaphorical ground. he couldn't shake the feeling that his lifestyle was only an issue now because of you, how he never felt a shred of guilt about any of this shit until he met you. and if there was anything that jungkook never responded well to, it was pity. and he could feel it from every person in the room, all people that that once cherished and coddled him until you came along. he swallows, throat dry from the way he couldn't look at you knowing what he was going to say next.

"you're embarrassing yourself, noona. you're not my girlfriend and you never were, so stop acting like it."

cotton. it's very faint, under the layers of conflicting cologne and beer and smoke, but jungkook still smelled of cotton while he spat acid. nobody could speak, even though jungkook never raised his voice let alone a hand to you, it still hit like a slap in the face. it sunk into the walls, your clothes, suddenly every hair on your body felt heavy with it. dirty. the shame came first, the humiliation next. and then the sorrow, the dread, and finally the defeat. you knew the stages well by now, and they were cycling through you like clockwork. how foolish you were, to make the same mistake again. nobody dared to move, everyone but jungkook staring at you in denial and horror. they couldn't believe their eyes when you nod steadily, bowing your head to the floor.

jimin is already slotting himself between you, his jaw tight. "that's enough, kook. just leave already."

"no," you stop him, unnervingly resigned. that single word cuts through all six men with ease. "he's right." you step around jimin, closing the space between you and jungkook. for a brief moment he wonders if you'll actually hit him, but somehow watching you unclasp his watch from your wrist and drop it on the coffee table in front of him is far worse. the sound seems to ring like church bells, definitive and umistakable. "you're right, i'm not your girlfriend. you win jungkook."

they all watch you leave in dismay, listen to the door closing softly behind you. within a second jimin sprints after you, calling your name, leaving everyone else dumbfounded. jungkook's stare could bore a hole into the abandoned watch on the table, still ticking away like nothing changed. like his eyes weren't burning, lightheaded at the realisation that he would never wear a watch again let alone the one he put on you.

x

x

x

to an outsider, you looked like you were coping well considering you just got dumped in front of all your friends. but jimin knew that face. your stony eyes, lips pulled thin as if to seal inside the collapse of a monument. you took the tea he offered, and then his arms, your face finding his chest with ease. muscle memory. his torso was a tad shorter than jungkook's, his heart closer to your mouth as if the steady thumps were asking for a kiss of acknowledgement. every time you close your eyes you could see jungkooks face, hard and unforgiving and nothing like the man you trusted all this time. but it wasn't a new expression; you parents looked at you similarly the last time you saw them. it was the look of someone who had no regrets cutting all ties. and now, jungkook was behind them in a lost list of people who chose to be strangers over loving you.

jimin sighs when you cry into his chest, brushing the back of your head gently. he had been ready for this for months, but he still hated to see you this way. again. it made his bones itch, his skin crawl uncomfortably every time you weeped. the only time he considered violence was when you were crying. but he knew what to do, laying down across the sofa so you could curl up into a ball next him, head on his bicep and face smushed into the crook of his shoulder. you used to cry like this for hours and hours, his arm familiar with the prickle of pins and needles. but it was the only place you felt safe. tucked into jimin's side is where you would always belong, and that truth was more glaringly obvious than ever now.

"lets get something to eat," he offers eventually, hand craddling the crown of your head like a child. jimin's other hand on your hip is warm and heavy when he pats you soothingly. in your episodes, you responded well to touch. "what about thai food?"

"not hungry," you grumble against him.

"we could make something together?" he peers down at your lack of response. "come on, babe. you gotta eat something. you didn't even have breakfast-"

"why am i so stupid?" you whisper, a fresh bout of tears welling up.

jimin rubs your thigh. "it's not your fault."

"yes it is. jungkook gave me plenty of red flags, and i ignored all of them-"

"oh, i meant you being stupid."

you scoff. "cheers."

"what?" jimin cocks a brow when you lift your head to look up at him. he wets his lips and you follow the swipe of his tongue thoughtlessly, distracted enough by his touch and proximity that you take a second to digest his words. "it's not like any of this exactly came as a surprise. you ignored me, remember? wanted to flex your big girl pants."

you pull away from him and sit up, forcibly shutting out the daze that jimin routinely puts you under. "what's wrong with you? can't you be polite and wait for a couple hours before laying into me like a normal person? jesus, jimin."

"so let me get this straight," jimin sits up, watching your back as you sit away from him. "you're mad because i'm not telling you what you want to hear?"

"no," you say, head shaking. "i'm not mad. i'm upset because i came here to be comforted by my friend and you're just making me feel worse."

"what do you want me to say, ____? that i had high hopes from the start?" jimin pushes his hair back, brows now at a sharp incline from frustration. "i told you starting something with jungkook was trouble but you didn't listen. why should i feed your victim complex when all i've done is try to help you?"

"victim complex?" you repeat, standing up slowly. the sudden steadiness of your voice causes jimin to panic.

"not like that. don't take it like that, it's just," he's suddenly before you, his warm hands palming up your arms warmly. "i didn't wanna see you get like this and it happened anyway, is all i'm saying." he sighs when your scowl doesn't let up. "if hobi hyung hadn't have given up so easy, then maybe…maybe this would never have happened. maybe if i had been harsher with him then you would have-"

"what are you talking about?" you ask quietly, searching jimin's face. "give up so easy? what's that supposed to mean?"

he looks away, hands slipping off you. "it's nothing."

"jimin."

he struggles to look at you, tongue in cheek. his lips purse for a moment, pink like roses. he's wearing that navy jumper you like. "look, it's not a big deal. he wasn't supposed to fuck you or anything, just take you out for a while. get your mind off kookie, show you a nice time."

your blood runs cold. "what?"

jimin's expression softens. "it's not as bad as it sounds-"

"really?" your voice is sharp, sharper than he's ever heard it. you recoil as if you had been struck for the second time today. "because it sounds like you asked some guy to keep me occupied like i'm a fucking dog. all because you can't stand the idea of me being within a meter of jungkook-"

he steps in, but you step back. "you know that's not true, _."

"don't i?" you scoff, covering your face in disbelief. "jimin, you've been hellbent against me even looking at the guy since day fucking one."

"because i didn't want you to get hurt!" jimin counters, eyes downcast. "i know, okay? i know how much of a dick it makes me sound, but its not like it hurt you when you had no idea! hoseok broke it off before you even knew about it so why-"

"because it's worse," you turn away from him. "you tried to control me. choose what's best for me because you think you know better than i do. sound familiar?"

his jaw sets, and it's like you can hear the twine snap in his head, the percussion of his heartbeat above yours even though he doesn't close the space between you. jimin stares at you for a long minute before drawing in a thin breath. "fine," he steps in, and you can't look away. "you want me to say it? fine. i'll say it."

suddenly the air is lace thin around you as you stare at him, waiting. jimin looks off somewhere else, somewhere you can't reach. "don't tell me you haven't thought about it, because i know you have. if i have you must have too. and lately its all i can think about - being with you, holding you, being the one who gets to touch you. and yeah, maybe it took having to see you with jungkook for me to realise how much i want all that, i put my hands up. but you have no idea what's it like to watch the person you love most get toyed around with by a time bomb like that. i've seen jungkook go through girls like underwear and i love him, god i love him, but even the idea of you being one of those wasted girls sitting outside a party crying over his sorry ass makes my fucking ears ring."

"j-jimin…" you whisper, but you have nothing to say. your hands shake.

"you deserve more than that, ____. you deserve more than waiting around for booty calls or living up to what the next guy wants. from jungkook, hoseok, anyone. you deserve someone's devotion and yeah, maybe all this time i've been too much of a pussy to give it. maybe all this time i was tiptoeing around my feelings for you because i knew if i admitted to myself that i loved you - if i admitted i was just like every other guy - i'd actually set the bar for something other than disappointment. id actually have to step up, and i didn't know if i could do it. i still don't. but if it has to be someone…it should be me."

suddenly he's holding your hands, calming the tremble that rattles them. his words bunch up together in your ears, the meaning lost amidst your awe. "jimin….jimin what are you saying? where is all this coming from, i don't...i don't understand wh-"

"i'm saying," he cups your face. "choose me." he pulls you in. so, so close. "choose me, not jungkook. not anyone else. me."

and there's a part of you that has already caved. that's already kissing him, melting into his arms like you've wanted to for so, so long. you're falling back onto the couch with him in a fit of giggles, curling back into his chest to hide your watery eyes, asking him why the fuck he took so long. you chat together between teasing kisses, pour your hearts out, maybe cry a little. later you would make tea and order pad thai and watch the office all night and fall asleep together in the living room well past dawn and then-

you close your eyes. "i can't."

"you can," jimin says, so passionately you shudder. his brown eyes are teaming with too much determination and ardour for his own good, and you both know it. its difficult to grapple with how huge a risk he's taking, because jimin never takes risks. it made the whole situation seem dire. "you know you can, ____. it's us. there's no one like us."

you don't know how you're not crying yet. you only have jimin to hold onto, hands balled in his shirt without knowing if you're about to push him away or pull him in forever. "maybe back then. maybe if you'd have said all this before," you feel empty, the beat of your pulse suddenly strong in your fingertips. "but it doesn't matter anymore."

he shakes his head in denial, his determination palpable. "of course it does-"

"i'm in love with him," you say. to jimin. to yourself. to the world, finally. "i'm in love with jungkook." holding jimin's stare isn't as difficult as you thought it'd be. "you know if you'd have done all this a few months ago…if you'd have just...i was always yours without question, jimin. and you knew it." it's his turn to bristle under the strain of your voice. "jungkook isn't perfect. i'll be the first one to admit that. he's made me cry, he fucks up, he makes mistakes. but he's never lied to me. he never made decisions for me. he never passed judgement on what i should or shouldn't do with my life. something that i never thought i wouldn't able to say about you, too."

there's a brief moment where everything stops. neither of you can believe what you just said. jimin watches you, frozen in his place as you take your bag, eyes glittering with tears when he calls for you. suddenly he's the time bomb he feared becoming, the panic in his eyes lighting them up like fire crackers. for the first time in his life, he stumbles over his words, and then his feet when you reach for the door, all composure lost. he was unravelling like a tapestry in front of you, never to be repaired, and he could feel it. "____. ____, please," jimin chokes, his cheeks blotchy. "i wanted to protect you, i was just trying to help. don't go. please don't go. i was trying to help you."

"no. you were trying to have me." you say, closing the door behind you.

x

x

x

you have no idea what time it is when you hear the bell ring incessantly.

it had been hours since you'd returned home from jimin's, but there was no way for you to keep track when your only priority was just keeping yourself afloat. you turned your phone off, drew the curtains, and resolved to alternate between sitting in seulgi and jisoo's rooms until they came back. you didn't know what else to do. when you weren't crying you were hyperventilating, and when that stopped the absence of emotion was so powerful you could barely keep your eyes open. you were exhausted but could not sleep. starving but could not eat. it was a miracle you even made it down the stairs, using what little strength you had to yank it open without even thinking about who could be on the other side in the middle of the fucking night. but at this point, you would gladly take a serial killer over jimin or jungkook.

"taehyung," you breathe when you take in his face, relieved. you must look like absolute shit because he scans your face and winces. 

"jimin told me," he says, the apology in his voice and expression was almost painful to register. "he told me everything. ____, i'm so sorry. i should have told you about the hoseok thing, i just thought it would be worse coming from me, and then i tried to force jimin into confessing but then he didn't because he's jimin, and now-"

"you're only allowed to come inside if you stop apologising," you say weakly, voice haggered from the hours of crying.

taehyung's pouty expression almost makes you smile with how cute he looks, gingerly stepping over the threshhold. "i really am sorry though."

"for what," you say monotonously, closing the door behind him while he takes off his shoes. "my inexplicably terrible taste in men? my uncanny ability to get manipulated by literally anyone who shows me a scrap of affection? or my absolutey shredded-to-shit attachment style thats barely intact let alone functioning healthily? after hoppping between the first two for a few hours i'd personally go for the latter. but whatever."

"please shut up," taehyung sighs, bringing you into his arms before you could have a second thought about it. "you need to amp up the misandry in this context. a lot of this had nothing to do with you and everything to do jimin and jungkook."

you're too tired to open your eyes, snuggling into the softness of taehyung's chest. you’re too exhausted to argue. "where did you learn the word misandry? have you been reading?"

"yeah," you can hear his big, pleased grin. "i know you and the girls have been calling me a himbo behind my back."

"affectionately," you add, peering up at him. he wipes the wetness off your cheeks, moving upstairs to your room with your hand in his. he fetches you a glass of water before putting you into bed like he's paid to do it. taehyung was the cuddliest person you had ever met, but you had rarely seen him dote on anyone. "girls love himbos. it's a compliment."

"not all girls," he mutters when he returns from the bathroom with a glass of water. "drink this, would you? you look so dry it's making me itchy."

you do as he says with a roll of your eyes. "what do you mean?" you finish your water with a big gulp. "jisoo loves dumb guys, what are you talking about?"

taehyung looks away from you, bottom lip rolling up under his teeth so fast you barely catch it. he pulls up your desk chair next to your bed, thinking long and hard before meeting your eyes again. "i don't mean jisoo."

you don't understand at first, but after staring at his face for a long minute your stomach drops. "don't. don't you fucking dare," another beat of silence. you rip the covers off you to scamble to your knees, grab your pillow and hurl it at taehyung's head. "taehyung, please don't tell me that the one remaining, healthy relationship i have with a man has also been shot to shit because i swear to god i'm gonna-"

"it's not a big deal," he says firmly, and he really does mean it. taehyung catches your wrists when you lunge at him, effectively ending your outburst before it can begin. he keeps hold of them while he stares into your eyes, watching the way they fill up with a fresh bout of tears. "i've had a crush on you for a while, so what? it's not anyone's business but mine so don't worry about it."

you try not to scream at him. "how long?"

"...since the start." he shrugs. "it's not like i could have done anything anyway. with jimin around. he’d never have it."

"but...! but..." you splutter, the highlight reel of your friendship suddenly marred before your eyes. "but you let me talk to you about boys! you gave me advice with hobi and jimin and jungkook and...! you encouraged jimin to confess to me. and the whole thing with jisoo?"

he wets his lips guiltily. "jisoo is a nice girl. i like her, but...not like you. i've always liked you."

you shake your head in horror, your face crumpling. bile rose in your throat. "so all of that...playing with my friend like that. was just to get to me?"

"listen to me," taehyung says firmly, gripping your wrists to make you look at him again. he's so close you can feel the warmth of his breath on yours, and you never realised how large taehyung's torso was compared to yours before. he could have smothered you, but he didn't. in all senses. "the way jimin and jungkook handled their feelings is on them, just like how this is on me. it doesn't matter if i'm fucking you or not, you're my friend and i'll always want people to do right by you. and that includes me."

there was nothing else to say, so taehyung wordlessly wipes your face again and fetches you more water before retreating to sleep on the couch downstairs. all the while you sat there in your bed, confused and bewildered and thoughtful. the same bed jungkook fucked you on. the same bed jimin held you in. out of all the men in your life, taehyung was the only one who treated his feelings for you with reverence. there wasn't one interaction you could think of where he made his feelings clear, where he even hinted towards wanting something more. if he hadn't have said anything tonight, in the wake of one of the most emotionally tumultuous days of your life, you would still be in the dark about it all. and that was the scariest part. you didn't know anyone else who hadn't let their feelings for you effect how they treated you. so ultimately, it was possible.

and jimin and jungkook chose not to do that. but taehyung did.

taehyung did.

when you finally pad downstairs after hours of ruminating, jisoo's bedroom door is wide open. and that's who you should be thinking about now - your friend and sister jisoo - as the sky begins to lighten with the signs of morning. you hadn't slept for over twenty four hours, you were hungry and thirsty, delirious from the whirlwind of losing the two most important men in your life in one day. but still, you are drawn to taehyung. taehyung, who never asked anything of you. taehyung, who was as silent as he was selfless this whole time. taehyung who routinely put what he wanted aside in favour of what was best for you. taehyung, who protected you without needing credit or recognition for it. taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung, taehyung-

"taehyung," you whisper scraping your nails through his hair. his eyes fluttered open, twisting his head to face you as you hovered above him. he could barely see you in the darkness. "taehyung, wake up."

"what is it?" he croaks, sitting up with half-lidded eyes and a yawn. he doesn't know how to read the expression on your face. he swings his legs off the sofa in a sitting position, wearing nothing but his boxers and tee, visibly alarmed. "what happened? are you okay?"

you take his face in your hands and kiss him. 

taehyung stiffens against you, breath drawn thin. you pull away to gauge his expression, desperately searching his eyes in the darkness. for discomfort, disapproval, anything negative at all. the absolute ardour you find instead could knock you down if taehyung didn't reach for your neck, kissing you again. you whine at the feel of his tongue, having no idea where such sudden and intense arousal was coming from. when you pull away with shaky limbs, you climb onto his thick thighs so he can feel your wetness through his boxers. taehyung grunts at the sensation, and again when you kiss him passionately and without abandon. the sweet girl every guy he knew was agonising over, suddenly in his lap. he's barely had his tongue down your throat for ten minutes and you're already rocking into him, his erection betraying his resolve.

it's better than he dreamed. 

"taehyung," you gasp, palming him now. he groans when he pulls away to look at your mouth, glistening with his saliva when you take his hand and guide it down to your arousal. "please."

[batarella]

I Don’t Hate You - Part 5 (Jason Todd x Reader)

will i ever find true love? with standards like this? will i ever find someone who’ll quench my thirst like jaybaby does?

nah.

(If you haven’t already noticed, since the reader is inspired by Jade West, ALL the songs in her singing scenes come from the covers by the iconic Liz Gillies! This one’s scene is inspired by Liz’s live story right here)

WORD: 6908 WARNINGS: EVEN MORE FLUFF BWAHAHAHAHA

Masterlist

I DON’T HATE YOU - MASTERLIST

-----

Jason: ‘don’t do it.’

Jerry the science teacher was starting to catch on to him with Jason’s eyes darting to his crotch for no reason and his hand under the desk, but Jason managed to fool him by pulling out his notebook right where his phone was and pretended to take notes with his free hand. It was getting harder to hide it though, especially when he’d crack into a wide grin in the middle of a boring discussion all of a sudden. He looked like an idiot.

Y/N: ‘I’ll fucking do it.’

Jason: ‘she’ss a teaacher.’

Y/N: ‘that hasn’t stopped me before.’

Jason was writing scribbles onto his notebook at that point, lingering his eyes on the teacher for as long as he could while his other hand blindly texted barely readable typos. How were you able to text so well?

You sent another text before he could respond. ‘I’m totally doing it.’

Jason: ‘I’m sure she wasd looookin behind yuu’

Y/N: ‘no. she was definitely looking at me. Who else would she look at when she’s talking about baby murderers.’

Jason: ‘oh.’

Jason really wanted to laugh now. He double texted.

Jason: ‘I get it now.’

Y/N: ‘im not a fucking serial killer.’

Three dots floating in a bubble followed after.

Y/N: ‘yet.’

Jason kept his eyes on the board. Thankfully, this was chemistry. Bruce taught him more about that subject than Jerry ever will. He didn’t need to listen.

Y/N: ‘it’s just her divorce.’

Jason: ‘you have got to stop asking facultyyyt memberd how their divorce is going.’

Y/N: ‘why not’

Jerry definitely caught him by now. His glances at him included unbothered shakings of his head and flattened lips. But he didn’t say anything and went on with the discussion. He probably didn’t bother. Jason would end up with the highest test score no matter what he was doing in his desk. And the man had large bags under his eyes that screamed ‘I really don’t give a fuck about any of you’ to his students.

Jason: ‘you’re worse than a serial killer.’

You: ‘Im no Amelia Dyer.’

Jason: ‘remind me to look her up.’

You: ‘she killed 400 babies and had a infant farm for 20 years before she got caught.’

Jason: ‘sounds like something you’d do’

Y/N: ‘I don’t kill babies. I just scare them.’

Jason: ‘that’s the first step right there.’

You sent a middle finger and it made him silently cackle. Somehow, your sense of humor through came off a lot less dark, maybe because you didn’t sound like you were serious, when in actuality, you probably were. It didn’t matter though. He was smiling like a crazy person in the middle of a discussion about balancing equations.

Jason placed his phone back into his pocket and waited for the bell to ring so he could go meet you at the library for the fifth week since you started. You were halfway through your sentence. He never thought he’d get there. Somehow, he wasn’t exactly looking forward to the end of it as he thought he would.

Just yesterday, he told himself it was wrong to enjoy watching you scream at the stoners hiding behind the encyclopedia sections knowing no one would go in there at all. You were, quite literally, kicking them out of the library while Ms. Peterson backed you up like a shrieking duo. One of them cried while you charged at him, looking like you were about to tear his hair out and you threatening to stick his blunt up his earhole.

It went from something so obnoxious to something so amusing to watch. Perhaps the wrong was in him.

Jason listened to the teacher for the last ten minutes of the class, then the bell rung and everyone started for the exit. He picked up his bag, then took out his phone to tell you he was on his way.

“Texting in class now, Todd?”

He wanted to throw his bag, or anything he had on his hands really, to that source of that voice. Brandon. Fucking Brandon. With his still throbbing new nose and football varsity jacket over his shoulders that made him look even more loathsome than he already does. He came up to Jason and stood him off.

“Every single day for the past week, you text in class.” Brandon brought his leg up to rest on a chair beside Jason. “What? You think you’re so much smarter than everyone now?”

“I’m smarter than you, that’s for sure. But that’s not really much to brag about.”

“I can tell on you, you know. How’d your GPA like that?”

“Didn’t know you were a dirty snitch, Brandon.”

“Who you texting?” he raised his arms up to intimidate him. “That psycho bitch you hang out with all the time?”

Bruce told him to keep his rage in check even more so in class than he barely does in patrols, but at that moment, in a dizzying blur, Jason skillfully pushed Brandon against the wall and pulled his fist behind him without much care for the onlooking crowd.

“Want a new nose again, jackass?”

“Fuck you-“

“ALRIGHT, ENOUGH. STEP AWAY FROM HIS NOSE.”

Jerry. Poor Jerry. The tired teacher grabbed onto Jason’s shoulder and pulled him away from the linebacker. Jason backed down, lowering his arm, then kept his glare on him while he puffed up his jacket.

“Both of you. Get out of here. Todd, you don’t want me to send you to the VP’s office again before I call your father. Everyone walk away. Yes, everyone. Walk on. Get on with your business.”

He kept his head craned down while Jerry screamed at anyone sparing him a look. Jason shoved his bag over his back and stormed out of the room. Slamming the door, he walked to the library and found an empty table waiting for him with a cart full of books at the side. Ms. Peterson had her hand on her hip, snarling at him when he took the seat. “Get to these by today, boy.”

He ignored her and sat down, leaning forward to take yet another nap with his arms folded under his head.

All it takes is one triggering moment. One thug to taunt him. One word from the Joker. One lecture from Bruce. One threat to his humanity. And now his head’s all boiled up and all he wanted to do was block out the rest of the world and take a nap. And even then, he knew he wouldn’t wake up feeling any better.

“Jason,” Bruce told him a five weeks ago, the first day of his library sentence. “Anything going on in school you should tell me about?”

“Nothing. What makes you think that?”

“You caused trouble,” he said. “You picked a fight.”

“I’m fine. I’m not letting it affect my grades.”

“This isn’t about your grades. You can't let your business from the field affect you and hurt innocent people.”

“I’m not-“

“The next time the principal calls me with you starting another fight-“

“You’ll what? Take away my phone privileges?”

“I’m taking away your suit.”

He stormed out of that room before he could say anything more. Bruce never brought it up again, but Jason knew he was going to keep his word no matter what.

Jason didn’t even notice when you took the seat across of him with that prolonged, annoyed grunt that most often came with an eye roll. You placed your bag to your side and poked at his arm.

“Ey. You gotta help me with this.”

He didn’t look up when you pulled out your notes and your textbook. “WAKE UP.”

You repeatedly patted his shoulder until he let out a large enough grunt to make him crane his head up, eye squinting at you and his black hair covering his eyes. He really needed a haircut.

“What do you want now?”

“You weren’t this grumpy this morning.” You smirked. “I have to make a lit paper.”

“Why can't you do it yourself?”

“’Cuz you're the expert here. And I need that A.”

He buried his face back into his arms. “I’m not in the mood, Y/N.”

“Come on,” you said. Your voice prolonged the last syllable and you started to sound more annoying. “Don’t be a baby.”

“Just do it and ask me questions or some shit.”

“But I need your help-“

“And by the end of this, we’re at each other’s throats. I really don’t have the time for that now.”

You backed up, scoffing. “’Cuz you have something so much better to do?”

“Yeah,” he snarled. “Like taking a nap.”

He didn’t even glance at you taken aback and ignored you cursing under your breath. “Fine. Eat a dick, asshole.”

You took your stuff and drowned them into your bag, shuffling out of the table. A girl came up to you with a voice lower than a whistle. “Uhm, excuse me-“

“NO!” you screeched, then headed for the next table before she could ask anything more. The poor girl was trembling on her knees by the time you found an empty seat and pour out everything in your bag. His head was a mess, and the silence was the first step to actually making him clear his grime-covered mind. Jason kept shutting his eyes closed and focused on the blunt colors that appeared before his eyes in the shape of spirals.

For half an hour, he kept at his nap, falling asleep for a good ten minutes before he awoke to the sound of your screaming at a guy too stupid to ask you if the seat next to you was free while you were fumbling with your assignment. Jason groaned into his arm, feeling his head swell and ache and already knowing Bruce was waiting for him at home with yet another long, agonizing lecture on picking fights he never wanted in the first place. His eyes started to hurt from the force he used to shut them close, and everything in his mind was as hot as fire.

Leaning back against the chair, he knew this was going to bite him in the ass, sooner or later.

And one of the very very very few reasons he got to smile or even laugh all day was now violently taking notes while reading a book with the most fed up, furious expression on her face. He pulled out his bag, taking a water bottle and finishing its contents down his throat before he shot up and pushed his chair back.

Jason stood in front of your desk, his hand on the back of the chair across of you and waited for you to take notice of him. Your glare was terrifying. And it actually made him want to step back for once. But he stood his ground and sighed. “Can I help?”

“Get out of here.”

“I can help you.”

“I don’t need an asswipe telling me off.”

He took the chair despite you and you stared at your notebook, still with your eyebrows arched way up.

“Sorry.”

You ignored him and kept with your notes. He peered over, his elbows on the table, and you practically hissed at him when he got too close. Raising his hands up to surrender, he snarled at him before you continued your work.

“How many of reports have you done so far?”

You didn’t look like you were going to respond, and you kept writing like he wasn’t there in front of you at all. Jason couldn’t help but smile seeing you so angry and focused, knowing you were trying your best to block him out and failing miserably when he could see your eyebrow twitch and your eyes darting at him every few seconds.

Squirming his hand to you, his finger tugged on your gray sweater and scratched you like you had an itch. You pursed your lips and pulled your fist out so you looked like you were about to punch him, but he playfully held your hand and backed off. That was when he was fully smiling by now. He could block out all other thoughts easily when it was so fun to bug you.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and you finally looked up to his eyes. “Come on. Let me help.”

You licked the outside of your teeth and let out a long sigh that came with your usual grunt. Knowing you’d hate and love it at the same time, he ruffled your hair and you charged at him, almost stabbing him with your pen.

You finally managed to smile, then you gave in and handed him your notebook.

“The Fall of the House of Usher by Edgar Allan Poe,” you said. “What do you think?”

He leaned over the table, glancing at you, then taking the time to read your notes on what you understood from the passage. “This is good.”

“I’ve read the whole book like ten times by now.”

That made his chest feel just a bit warmer. “Really?”

“Yeah,” you took out the collection book he gave you. “Ms. Peterson has no idea. I’m supposed to have four weeks-worth of penalties because of this.”

Knowing he gave you something, and you happened to like it so much that you wanted it to be your report for literature class, and with you writing a decent paper about it, with you reading it over and over, it instantly became one of the things he won't easily forget.

He never grinned so much in a while, probably since a week ago in the gym. Jason watched you take back your notebook, continuing to write as he gazed too long at your parted lips. Feeling his flesh burn, he looked away.

“I won't bite you if you change anything, you know.” you said, your eyes keeping on your notes. “Go nuts.”

You tore off the page and handed it over to Jason, then you gave him a pen. Smiling at you, he took it, then started to circling words he thought you should change and other ideas he had of his own. A moment of silence, you didn’t scream anything at him when you he gave you the corrections. You graciously nodded, then started rewriting them onto a separate page. Your hair was falling to your cheeks, and it touched your skin so delicately and soft. Pretty.

So pretty.

He was gawking. He was so gawking. You’ll never let him hear the end of it. He shook his head and pretended he wasn’t just resting his chin on his hand like a teenage girl.

The thought of you reading Poe’s works still hadn’t left his mind. It wasn’t even a complete collection. There were so many more stories out there, most just on the internet. Maybe tonight, he could send some to you and you might enjoy them, too.

Or, maybe not. Patrol. Bruce has been telling him not to text so much while he was out supposedly beating criminals. But he couldn’t help it.

There was just something about making you happy, or even just smile or let out a bit of a laugh that made him feel a whip of a breezy rush. You were often sad when you were alone, and whatever you felt at school, it was so much worse at home. Everyday, you told him bits more of how it was like with your parents.

He saw so much of himself in you. You were eerily similar. Too similar. The hidden rage, the angst kept within. Maybe that was why he liked making you laugh so much.

“So what story did you like most?”

You grinned. “I’m not entirely sure. The Black Cat’s definitely up there. I don’t know. I really like all of them.”

“I’ve read that. The Black Cat,” he said, leaning back. “What makes you like it so much?”

“I like the idea of a cat being the whole reason his life goes downhill, kills his wife, and eventually gets caught. Like his whole life was being dictated by his pet.”

“That’s dark.”

“I know,” you smirked. “That’s why I like it so much.”

He had his arms crossed over on the table to cover his chest. “You becoming a serial killer seems more possible now.”

“Fuck you,” you said, sticking your tongue out.  

It was almost 4:30. He didn’t even notice the clock. You and Jason had the most civil conversation, not an insult or a mean comment on anything other than a playful back and forth. You closed your notes, then your book, then you stretched out your arms.

“Ms. Peterson’s gonna be pissed. We haven’t done any work today at all.”

“Just put the cart behind that shelf over there. We’ll take care of it tomorrow.”

He laughed, and you went with him as he stood up and did exactly so. “I can take you home today. But we have to leave now. Bruce wants me to go with him on this… thing.”

“Nah.” You pulled on your sweater as you headed out the door. “I’ll stay behind. Dad’s usually awake at this time. He won't be asleep until like, an hour from now.”

Jason respectfully understood, and you watched him as he walked out through the halls, turning at the corner.

He pulled out his phone. There was a text from Bruce.

‘You coming tonight?’

He didn’t bother to respond when he was already on his way home. Yesterday, Penguin and Two Face both had their own bank robberies at opposite ends of town. He repeatedly told Bruce he could handle Cobblepot on his own, but he refused and demanded he go with him while they take them out one by one.

Jason was reluctant of course, and it wasn’t like he had a choice. But he did a great job at finishing off Two Face’s crew that it didn’t take long for them to go all the way to the other bank and catch Penguin before they even got to half the bank’s vaults. Bruce told him he had the option to go with him to patrol tonight or not, but if he were, he had to come home early and not laze around in school like he often did.

Tonight, he chose to go to patrol. He thought he needed an outlet and imagine Brandon’s face on the heads of drug dealers. The thought alone made him grin.

Jason walked out the exit and reached for his keys.

Except he totally forgot he wasn’t even wearing his bag until he’d walked to his motorcycle. Groaning as he walked back into the school’s entrance, he sprinted for the library, catching the door open just as Ms. Peterson was about to walk out with a deathly glare on her face at him. Jason ran for his bag, took it, then gave Ms. P a fun little hug before walking back out.

He took out his phone, expecting a text from you, but there was nothing. So he asked you where you were before heading back out.

Out into the now empty halls, Jason walked pass the lockers, the dark classrooms, the one bright light at the center, he kept his hands in his pockets and sighed.

Piano keys.

Piano keys?

Playing. Simple chords played out but had a familiar tune he couldn’t get out from the back of his mind.

And singing.

A voice he’s only heard so often, yet he could pick out from a million others.

The music room was one he didn’t go in too often, but the sound came from there. The door wasn’t closed, and slowly, he peered it open.

A beam so little from the window, yet he could see how your back was so straight up, how your lean fingers rested gracefully onto the keys, playing the chords in perfectly strewn out notes that he could just tell you’ve been at this for quite some time. From an angle slightly to the left, you couldn’t see him, but he could see a bit of your face, the side of it, how your eyelids looked closed looking down at your own fingers.

Then you sang.

 I've seen the world, done it all

Had my cake now

Diamonds, brilliant, in Bel-Air now

Hot summer nights, mid July

When you and I were forever wild

The crazy days, city lights

The way you'd play with me like a child

Will you still love me

When I'm no longer young and beautiful?

Will you still love me

When I've got nothing but my aching soul?

I know you will, I know you will

I know that you will

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

 You…

You…

Yeah.

You were beautiful.

So beautiful…

 Will you still love me

When I'm no longer young and beautiful?

 You just… kept going.

And there was nothing, not ever, in the entire length of his existence, of his years at the streets, of his few years as Robin, of his time at either a ratty apartment or a manor, of all the people he’s met, of any song that he’s heard.

Nothing. Nothing compared to your voice. Nothing compared to you.

 Hot summer days, rock and roll

The way you play for me at your show

And all the ways, I got to know

Your pretty face and electric soul

 Breathy, low, and everything he’s kept to remember. His chest never felt so light, yet his heart was beating out of his ribcage. His bag was almost dropped down his shoulder, his mouth was parted, his face deeply flushed. Even when you played the wrong note, cursed, then went on just as perfectly as you ever could, he couldn’t tear his eyes off of you.

His eyes were so relaxed on you, and nothing, not even his trembling shoulders could make him look away.

You reached the higher notes with a perfect falsetto, then your voice echoed out even with the room as small as a stuffy classroom. His eyebrows were up to his forehead and he didn’t know if he was still breathing, when he was standing so still, frozen like a block of ice.

You had so much deepness and soul, and you were often whispering the words, but then your voice would go up in a perfect blend.

Perfect. That was all he could think of. Perfect.

His bag was on the floor now, the only thing keeping it up was a single finger.

Lana Del Ray. You sung it better than her. In his most humble, honest, totally not biased opinion. Shit, he even felt like he wanted to cry. His chest was heaving and his face never burned up so much, at almost the end of the song, he finally had it in him to move from his place and throw himself back against a wall.

Breathe. Fucking breathe.

 Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?

Will you still love me when I'm not young and beautiful?

 That last note, you breathed it out so nicely, it went straight into his soul, biting his lip, then closing his eyes.

He smiled like the biggest fucking idiot for the nth time that very day.

Jason looked like a fourteen year old girl cooing over a boyband. He laid his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling, hearing you sing vocal runs and pressing randomly at the piano. And he couldn’t stop showing his teeth, his face was hurting like a bitch, but fuck.

FUCK.

He’s never felt anything like this. Like his head was lighter than the air around him, lighter than the softness of your falsetto. He was still catching his breath and grinning above him, then at the ground, then back at the wall. It wasn’t on what he stared at. Your voice ringing in his ears, like angels were flying around playing their little harps over his head, like the sun was shining so brightly against him that he couldn’t see even a smidge of darkness anywhere in the world. How your face scrunched up, how your eyebrows raised, how you’d close your eyes and feel the song as it flew out your lips.

He rubbed on his chin and mouth to ease his aching muscles. Jason kept with his breathing, the fluttering in his chest. Everything. Everything.

Jason needed to wash his face with ice cold water at this point, gathering enough courage, he looked back into the room.

You were staring back at him.

-----

You didn’t look mad.

Though you definitely, most probably should.

You didn’t even notice he was there until the end of the song when he hit the wall with his back. Idiot must’ve thought you wouldn’t hear him.

But you weren’t mad. Not at all. Not from the way he was looking at you. Not when he was staring at you in a way no one ever had in your whole life. Not when you could see how his lips were parted and how his chest was visibly rising and how cute his face was all embarrassed and shit.

You could only smile.

Standing from the piano and grabbing your bag, you walked over to him. Jason gulped down and backed up against the wall with you standing right in front of him.

And after five weeks of knowing him,

Jason Todd finally looked like he was scared shitless of you.

But you didn’t want him to be scared of you. Not anymore. It just doesn’t seem like something you wanted anymore.

“You heard all that, huh?”

Jason was an absolute mess. He cleared his throat three times and hesitantly nodded, keeping his head to the ground.

“I-I’m uh,” he mumbled. “Sorry.”

You shook your head. “Don’t be.”

He didn’t look like he had another answer. Jason scratched the back of his head. “Uhm-“

“Come on. Let’s get out of here.”

You walked first, but looked back to see if he followed. Jason rushed to your side, making sure his blush wasn’t so evident even though it clearly was. You were better at hiding your own embarrassment, so you nudged his shoulder.

Jason laughed out loud and looked at you the same way he looked at the stars. You looked back at him the same way.

“You gonna take me home?”

He managed to form a sentence. “I thought you wanted to stay longer.”

You shrugged. “I guess I can take it.”

When you stepped out the gate, Jason walked you over to his bike and handed you his second helmet. Playfully, you hit the side of his and chuckled when you sat behind him, clutching onto his waist. You felt him tense, but he eventually relaxed and you leaned in to him.

You leaned your head on his back this time. You never did that before. Your clutch was tighter, your eyes closed. If it were anyone, it could pass for simply wanting to be more secure. But that day you just wanted to hold someone you actually didn’t mind being with before you’d get home and all this would end in an abrupt stop.

After a long while, you still couldn’t smell smoke emissions from cars or even hear the horns or bells or shouts from all the city folk near your apartment. Looking up then around you with the sun still shining brightly even at this time of day, you were in the countryside. Away from the city.

“WHERE ARE WE GOING?”

“YOU’LL SEE.”

You could smell cow dung, and the earthy scent of grass you should be more used to than you actually are. The road ahead of you was wide and long, and the air was so much lighter than it was at home. You closed your eyes, this time feeling the wind against your skin.

Jason was smiling through his helmet. Further down the road, you held onto him. “I THOUGHT YOU HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO TONIGHT.”

“I TEXTED BRUCE. I’M NOT GOING WITH HIM. JUST HOLD ON.”

You smiled and looked on when he made a turn into a forest with tall trees getting taller as you rode further down. There were no people around you. Not even houses. You leaned into his shoulder and rested your chin on top.

Jason started to slow down when you reached deeper into the trees, finally stopping his bike by the curb. The air was cold, and you wrapped your sweater tighter around your body after you’ve removed your helmet. “Where are we?”

“Come on.”

Jason walked towards the trees, where there was a little cement pathway now covered in weeds and grass growing out of its cracks. You had trouble making your way through, especially when your boots had a bit of a heel in them, then you walked to Jason’s side as it became clearer what you were there for.

An old, abandoned house. Something out of the dozens of horror movies you’ve saved in your laptop.

“Dude…”

“You like?”

It was small, but its picket fence and flaking white wooden walls just screamed fifties to you, with a triangular roof, two windows on the second level, a half-circle glass wall on the right side of the first floor, and a door so rickety and old, colored in an earthly brown that had mixed in with the debris and rot. Vines were all over its porch, and there was even a rocking chair sitting right outside by the entryway, also covered in vines. Outside of the house was an old pickup truck that had rusted beyond use, sinking into the ground like it was pulled by the earth.

“How’d you know I always wanted to go urban exploring?”

“I just figured.” Jason smiled. “Come on. We can go inside.”

“Are you sure?” you eagerly started for the door. “It won't break?”

“I’ve been here once. The stairs are broken so we can't go to the second floor. Just be careful.”

Pulling the unlocked door open, and Jason right behind you, you flashed him a smile before stepping inside.

It was seriously from the horror movies you’ve watched over and over. The first thing that greeted you was a nice little foyer, with a table in the middle and a vase that used to house flowers for sure. Then behind it was the broken staircase Jason mentioned. It was made entirely out of wood, and it had fallen in so bad that it was basically a wall by now. So much of the wood was on the ground, and there were lots of papers, books, clothes, and several others cluttering all around the floor. You had to walk all over them.

There were two entry ways at the sides of the foyer. One leading to the living room, and one to the dining room and kitchen. Everything further down had been blocked out by wooden planks and even more clutter. The living room was beautiful with the glass walls that formed a half circle and a petite grand piano standing in the middle. Its cover was up, and its keys had completely gone. There was still a bit of light coming in to the windows, which shone on the room so nicely, it was perfect.

The couches were completely ruined, and you wouldn’t dare sit on it. At the center of the room, though, which caught your eye the most, was a beautiful, broken chandelier that had fallen to the ground, which was why there was so much broken glass around the floor.

At the other side, the dining room was a bit more modest. A table seating six was still intact, but the chairs were either toppled over to the ground or broken in half. Even more clutter was on the table. Nearby was the kitchen, with an island in the middle, an old-fashioned fridge you probably wouldn’t want to go near to, and other kitchen supplies scattered around.

You both took out your phones and took pictures of the place. It was too good to witness.

“Jason…”

“I know,” he raised his arms up, putting his phone back into his pocket. “Amazing.”

You covered your mouth, then walked on over to the piano. You ran your hands over it, ignoring the mountains of dust that formed over your fingers. “I dare you to play it.”

“There’s barely any keys left.”

You watched him laugh, then you both walked around the chandelier. “Getting a bit of the Phantom of the Opera vibes in here.”

“Don’t touch it.”

“I wasn’t going to.” You eyed it carefully, then you looked up at the empty ceiling. It looked almost like it was going to fall in. Hopefully it wouldn’t.

“The family that used to live here, they left around fifty years ago. A mom, dad, and two twin girls. They both had tuberculosis and died in this very house. The parents just left it after they died. Never took anything along with them.”

“That’s terrifying. You think they’ve got a listing on this place?”

Jason chuckled. “The twins used to be theater stars. That’s why they’ve got a piano. To practice. And they built the whole place around it so the sounds would echo nicely.”

You finally got it. Shaking your head with a knowing smile, you turned to Jason. He had his hands stuck to his hoodie pockets, his head craned down, his hair falling to his eyes, and his smile all over the bottom half of his face.

“Is that why you took me here?”

“You have…” he gulped, never looking away from your eyes. “The most beautiful voice I’ve ever heard in my life…”

You had to look away. For your own sake. You were turning red so much, it was embarrassing. “Stop.”

“I’m serious. You never told me you sang.”

“It’s not exactly something I hid.  I’ve sung in school a couple of times. Like in middle school graduation.”

“So I’m basically the only one in school who hasn’t heard you sing?” He placed his hand on his chest. Then pretended to scoff.

“Why don’t you sing. Right here.”

“Todd. No.”

“Come on. We have the place for it.”

You looked up at the ceiling, which was high for a house so small. It probably went all the way up to the roof. “No way.”

Jason kept nudging you, but you wouldn’t give in. You couldn’t help your smile though. You and Jason walked over to the kitchen and just looked at all the things the family left behind. Even the toaster was untouched, and you’ve never seen an oven so old fashioned before, it still had that pastel green color on the parts that hadn’t been taken over by rust.

It was starting to get dark. But you never wanted to leave. “Thank you.”

You said it without looking directly at him, but he got it. Going back outside before everything would completely dim out, Jason walked over to the pickup truck and jumped on its back.

You didn’t have the agility to just jump on top of it without possibly pulling a muscle, so you just watched Jason sit on the edge of it and swung his legs in the air.  Standing beside him and leaning your back against the truck, you both watched the house as the sun started to set behind it. You could see the beams scatter just at the center of the roof where it angled down. The sky had grown from a brightly lit yellow to a dark orange.

-----

You and Jason were a recipe for trouble.

Was it because you were too similar? Harbored the same anger? The same hatred for a number of people you didn’t even know? Was it because you both stirred trouble when it wasn’t asked for?

It was a recipe for trouble because, according to the young adult romance novels and movies, Jason was supposed to be with a nice, sweet, innocent girl who’d bring out the good in him and was kind to everyone, have just enough of that spice in her that would draw attention but still be a sweetheart, and she’d be made of happiness and rainbows and would be what brightens up Jason’s darkness.

You were not that girl. You were the opposite. You had that same darkness as he did. You had so much anger, and instilled so much fear onto anyone you didn’t like. Maybe you were even darker. And if it were up to those same novels and movies, you were supposed to end up with basically the same type of person, someone who was bright and yellow and happy. Not Jay.

But with you both being so similar, so full of angst and dread and hate, in a world were opposites were supposed to belong together,

why does he bring so much light and hope?

How does someone just as unhappy as you are come along and make you laugh like the world was about to end?

How does someone just as full of pent up rage as you are come along, and make it all go away for a sweet, short moment?

How was it all possible? How could two people, two very similar people, fit into a puzzle that called for them to fill it what you didn’t have?

How could someone supposed to fuel the fire already inside you end up being the sun?

Jason never thought of that either. In fact, he thought he might end up with someone in his line of work. Another vigilante. Not a mean girl from school who terrorizes students with a pair of fucking scissors.

But, somehow, it all just made everything he was turn into what he was supposed to be. You could say the same.

With you in your little room and Jason in his significantly larger one in the manor, you both sank to the ground, backs against the wall, and you pulled out your phones.

You had left a message first.

Y/N: ‘Urban exploring should be more of a thing.’

Jason smiled.

Jason: ‘Nah. People would crowd those places and vandalize them.’

Y/N: ‘True. I’d want them all to myself anyway.’

Jason: ‘I’m glad you enjoyed it.’

You felt your heart jump. God, this had to stop.

Y/N: ‘I did. Thank you.’

Jason: ‘Should I get used to you being nice to me now?’

Y/N: ‘Probably not.’

He laughed and shuffled his knees.

Y/N: ‘Send me the pictures you took.’

Scrolling through his albums, he selected everything he took that day and sent it all to you. Leaning on his back, looking up at the ceiling as he waiting, Jason imagined the look on your face when you first saw the house. Your eyes never shone so brightly.

You looked through the pictures and found several, about eight of them, centered on nothing else but you smiling at the ceiling, at the piano, at the chandelier, at the tables.

Y/N: ‘Dude. Why this angle of me?’

Confused, Jason looked through the pictures.

And he cursed out loud, over and over, burying his head in his hands when he saw he’d accidentally sent eight pictures he’d secretly taken of you. Fuck it all. This is how he dies. This is the death of Jason Todd.

You were smiling out of your face, and instead of saying anything mean or the thousands of jokes that instantly came up to the front of your mind, you did the same and sent him pictures you took.

And Jason’s heart rose up from where it sank to the floor when he saw you’d taken just as many pictures of him, doing the same things as you did and some with him holding his phone up. One was just his face.

He was a fucking grinning mess by then.

Jason: ‘Don’t I look good.’

Yeah, you cooed. You certainly do. But you didn’t say that to him. You just went along with him and he changed the subject.

Jason: ‘Huge favor.’

Y/N: ‘Shoot.’

Jason: ‘Send me a voice message of you singing.’

Y/N: ‘Absolutely not.’

Jason: ‘Please.’

Y/N: ‘No.’

Jason: ‘I’ll do your library work for three days.’

Y/N: ‘not even if you beg, Todd.’

Jason: ‘I keep my promises, just so you know.’

Y/N: ‘Still no.’

Jason: ‘Sing in the library tomorrow then.’

Y/N: ‘Ms. P will throw me out the fucking window.’

Jason: ‘Yeah, she probably will.’

Y/N: ‘Do my shelving work for three weeks. Then I’ll send you a five second audio message of me humming.’

Jason: ‘Make it a minute of a song of MY choice. Then I’ll do it for a week.’

Y/N: ‘not a chance.’

Jason: ‘what do I have to do then.’

Nothing. You gripped your phone to your chest. I’d sing for you if it makes you smile any day.

Y/N: ’Two weeks. I get to ride on the cart while you shelf my books.’

Jason: ‘Deal.’

You threw your head back, then you made a two second audio message of you screaming “NICE TRY, TODD.”

Jason: ‘Mother fucker.’

Y/N: ‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.’

4 am. You slept at 4 am that night. And only because your eyes couldn’t take it and Jason was drooling on his bed after doing exercises to stay up and talk to you.

He had it bad.

Really bad.

And, not surprisingly, so did you.

----

I DON’T HATE YOU - MASTERLIST

-----

Taglist: everyartistwas-firstanamateur  @sarcasmismyfirstlove @damned-queen-of-gotham @idkmanicantenglish @wunderstell @birdy-bat-riya @get-loki@everyday-imfangirling @comic-nerd-dc @multifandoms916 @icequeen208@offendedfishnoises @egdolan @xemiefx @arkhamtoddler @elsenthal@mythicbitchx @supremehaunter @ burning-alive  @lucy-roo  roseangel013bf @ loxbbg  reclusive-chicken-nuggethttp-cherries shadowsndaisies river9noble

[watchmegetobsessed]

Benefits

aaaand adding one more alias of adam driver to my list, here is my first ever adam sackler fic! im pretty proud of it, so i hope yall are gonna enjoy!

pairing: Adam Sackler x Reader

warnings: sex, swearing, talking about alcoholism

word count: ~7k

masterlist

Walking into the room you’re still unsure if you actually want to be here, but a small voice in the back of your mind is telling you that this is exactly where you need to be. The place looks similar to the one you used to have your meetings back in Seattle, it’s simple, people are sitting in a circle and there is a small table with cookies and drinks at the side. There aren’t too many people and luckily they don’t really get stuck on the arrival of an unknown person so you can take an empty seat without getting any attention to yourself.

“Alright, everyone sit down, let’s start!” a tall, skinny guy speaks up, clipboard sitting on his lap as he patiently waits for everyone to sit in the circle and start the meeting.

You look around anxiously, the group is pretty diverse, men and women gathered from seemingly a lot of races and ages, though your eyes stop at one particular person sitting right across from you.

The guy seems tall, extremely tall to be honest, his almost black hair is grown out to reach almost his broad shoulders and it’s pushed back, eyes curiously examining the guy who just spoke as he licks his plump lips. He is not the typical handsome type, but there is just something in him that keeps pulling your gaze towards him even when people start talking around you.

A young guy starts talking two people to your right as you are still staring at the tall mystery guy when his eyes dart over to you and your gazes meet. You can’t help but feel intimidated even though nothing can be read from his face. You keep eye-contact for a few moments before turning away and forcing yourself to look at the guy talking. However you feel his eyes on you for a while before he finally decides to look away.

“That’s amazing, Tony, we are all proud of you!” Carl, the guy who spoke at the beginning of the meeting says as a short round of applause follows Tony’s speech. “Adam, do you feel like talking today?” he then turns to your guy and now you know his name. Adam.

“Sure,” he shrugs pushing himself up a little on the chair. “Hello, I’m Adam and I’m an alcoholic, but I haven’t had a drink for about a decade now. Some days are easier, some are harder, like the ones when my ex shows up and fucks things up for me,” he scoffs. “But things are going okay, I guess.”

“That’s great to hear, Adam. We all believe in you and hope you’ll continue your positive journey,” Carl nods as some other members hum in agreement. “Does anyone else want to speak up?” he asks looking around, but no one answers, so he takes it as a clue that the round of speeches are over. “In this case—“

“I thought new members supposed to introduce themselves,” Adam cuts him off and he is looking straight at you, causing your throat to close up from the sudden attention he just put on you.

“It is always welcomed, but no one is pressured to talk,” Carl assures smiling warmly at you. “Do you want to introduce yourself?”

Looking back at Adam one more time you decide to accept his silent challenge.

“Sure, why not?” you clear your throat, tugging your hair behind your ears. “Hi, my name is Y/N and I’m an alcoholic, but I’ve been clean for three years and seven months.”

The members in the circle mumble their greeting before you continue talking, arms crossed on your chest.

“I moved to the city just a few months ago and I’ve been struggling to adjust to the new environment so I thought it would be a good idea to visit a meeting, just to ensure myself.”

“You are always welcomed here whenever you feel like you are getting weaker,” Carl encourages you and you nod shortly.

“Thanks. I’m doing fine though, I haven’t really felt tempted to have a drink lately, so I guess I’m good.”

“That’s great to hear, we are all proud of you,” Carl smiles before moving on with the meeting.

When it all ends he invites everyone to stay and have a bite, chat with other members and you decide to head for a cookie from the table.

“So what brought you to New York City?” you hear Adam speak up from behind you and as you turn around there he is, standing tall in front of you. He looks pretty intimidating, but his eyes have this sense of softness in them that balances it out.

“Um, work. I got a great opportunity here so I thought I would take the chance.”

“Sounds serious. Do you always dress like this?”

His question catches you off-guard and you glance down at yourself to see what made him ask it. You’re wearing tight jeans with a white top and a leather jacket, nothing extra in your taste.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean that your clothes are pretty tight. They give a nice view of your body though.”

You don’t even know what to say at first, it’s like he doesn’t have a filter on his mouth and it’s so confusing to you, that all you can do is let out an anxious chuckle.

“Um, okay…” you mumble slowly turning back to the table, but he speaks up again.

“So, are you coming next week?”

“Not sure,” you say without looking at him. To be honest is too forward act is making you question if this is the group you should attend on a regular basis or not.

“Would be a shame if I didn’t see you next time,” he simply says before walking away, leaving you totally puzzled.

Adam is for sure the weirdest person you’ve met since moving here and you don’t think anyone can top him.

 ***

 Friday night in the city is pretty busy. People just want to get the steam out after a hard, working week so they seek for fun times at bars and clubs. Adam Sackler is not the type to go to bars that much since it’s always a kind of temptation for him, but when his colleagues from his recent play asked him to come down for a few drinks with them he thought it might be a good time even if he doesn’t drink.

The place is crowded and the six of them are pressed up in a small booth, that was all they could get upon arrival, but they don’t mind it. They talk about the past couple of shows and critics, just having a good time when Adam excuses himself to go to the restroom. As he pushes his way through the people around the bar his eyes almost glide over a familiar face, but then he recognizes you. Without a second thought he makes his way over where you are sitting on a stool, hands gripping the edge of the counter as you stare ahead of you.

“What a pleasant surprise!” he beams arriving to you, making you jump in your seat.

“Adam, hello,” you mumble coming out of your zoned out state you were just in.

“You weren’t at the meeting this week.”

“Yeah, I… Something came up,” you anxiously say. It didn’t happen because of him, you had other things to worry about when this week’s meeting was happening so you decided to skip.

“You alright?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed as he eyes you with concern.

“Mm, everything is… great,” you nod with a fake smile and you try to push the glass of whisky away without him noticing, but you don’t succeed.

“Y/N, were you thinking about drinking?”

“No, I just—“

“You ordered that drink?” he snaps cutting you off and you don’t answer, just stare ahead of you. “Did you order that drink?” he repeats his question with a raised tone that’s still not too loud for the people around since the music is louder, but chills run down your spine from it.

“I did,” you admit feeling the tears building up in your eyes and you hate yourself for being so weak. Who starts crying in the middle of a bar with a guy who they barely even know? You, apparently.

Clicking his tongue he scoots closer to you, leaning on the counter with one arm as he tries to turn the conversation as private as it can be in a crowded bar.

“You want to talk?”

Adam doesn’t seems like the guy who is into emotional talking, but when it comes to drinking he always feels the importance of the situation. Knowing his own struggle with alcohol he is aware that sometimes you just need to get it off your chest, you don’t even want that drink, but it’s hard to talk to someone who hasn’t been where you have. People who are not alcoholic don’t understand what you go through and it’s nice to finally talk to someone who knows exactly what you feel because they’ve been through it.

“I…” you sigh sadly as you wipe your tears away, trying not to look too pathetic. “It’s a long story.”

Adam bites the inside of his cheeks as he glances back at his colleagues and then at you. He has to choose between a bunch of people who are having a nice time and someone who seems really in need for his help. He might be a weird guy, but his priorities are set right.

“I live a few blocks from here. You’re welcomed to come over and pour it all out.”

“You can’t seriously choose some unknown girl from your AA meeting over your friends,” you roll your eyes feeling like he is just feeling pity for you.

“They are not my friends, most of them are annoying as fuck sometimes,” he bluntly says and he means it. “My offer still stands.”

Looking up at him you contemplate what you should do. Deep down you know it’s not too responsible to go to some random dude’s place alone to cry to him about your miserable life, but it somehow still sounds better than staying here and maybe lose control and drink that damn whisky you’ve been eyeing for about an hour now.

“Alright, but if I end up dead in an alley I’ll come back and haunt you for the rest of your life,” you mumble climbing off the stool and Adam just chuckles at your comment.

After letting his colleagues know that he is leaving the two of you hit the streets, heading to his apartment that’s pretty close to the bar. Stepping inside you are not too surprised at what you see. It’s kind of like how you had imagined his living space to be, not that you thought that much about him since the last meeting.

“You want something to drink?” he asks walking over to the fridge and you freeze. “I mean, something non-alcoholic. I don’t have alcohol here.”

“Oh. Um, a glass of water maybe.”

He nods and while he pours your and his drink you sit at the small dining table, curiously eyeing the smaller details in his home.

“Here,” he hands you the water and sits across you with a glass of milk that makes you frown.

“Are you drinking milk? Alone?”

“Yeah, it’s my thing,” he shrugs and chugs half of it down at once. “So, you wanna talk about what made you want to break your sobriety?”

Taking a deep breath you lean back and let a grimace cross your face as you remember the whole shitshow that went down.

“My ex called me today.”

“Despite how you ended up, was it a good or a bad thing?” he asks wanting to put the picture together about how they ended.

“Bad. He didn’t take it too well when I moved and now he is even more upset that I told him I’m not planning on going back anytime soon.”

“But you said you got a good job here.”

“I did.”

“Shouldn’t he be happy that you are successful?”

“No, because he is a toxic asshole who just can’t let me be happy,” you let out a bitter chuckle shaking your head at the thought how much time you wasted on him. “So he called to remind me that I am nothing without him and I’ll die alone because no one will ever want me with all the baggage I come with.”

“Baggage?” he frowns confused.

“My drinking problem, and the anxiety it’s been causing me. Staying sober is harder than I thought it would be.”

Talking to Adam about your struggle with sobriety feels easier than to anyone ever. You are not afraid of being judged because the two of you are kind of on the same path when it comes to drinking.

“He is a total asshole, if you ask me. Like he is a saint with no baggage. The guy himself is the baggage!” he scoffs drinking up the rest of his milk and you smile seeing that part of his facial hair his painted white from it that he licks down like a little kid even though he definitely does not look like one.

“How long did you two date?”

“About two years. It was getting pretty serious when I got the news that I got the job and then we ended it before I left.”

“You are better off without him, don’t worry.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

As much as the first time talking to Adam turned out to be pretty weird, you find yourself enjoying his company. With time, you get used to his forward style, blurting out everything without filtering his words. It’s a little frustrating at first, but later you find it amusing that he is not afraid to speak his mind, unlike others who just say what they think you want to hear. It’s a pleasant surprise to realize that you can actually talk with him about a lot of things and it doesn’t take too long for you to get comfortable in his company.

“It was just a whole shit show, to be honest,” he scoffs running his fingers through his hair. “I’m kinda praying I will never see Hannah nor Jessa again.”

“You sort of brought this whole drama to yourself,” you chuckle after hearing his story about her history with her ex and her best friend. One hell of a drama, for sure.

“I know!” he growls. “I’m so stupid sometimes, but I just couldn’t stop myself! Jessa was like this fucking sex witch, I just couldn’t keep myself away from her and she knew it. I just pray she doesn’t show up and try to jump on my dick again.” You start laughing at his words, knowing exactly what it’s like to not let go of someone because of the sex.

“It’s fucked, I know. Like, you just want to hate them in peace but then they come back and boom, the next thing you know is that he is balls deep inside me.”

“Well, no one is usually balls deep inside me, I’m the one doing that, but I agree,” he jokes making you laugh even more.

“Everything would be perfectly solved if we just found a way to get that tension out of our system and then we could easily cut these toxic people,” you sigh leaning your head against the wall as you hug your knees to your chest.

“I know a way.”

“And what would that be?”

“We should fuck.” Your eyebrows arch, eyes widen as you look over at him, no sign of joking on his face.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“You heard me right, we should fuck. I mean, we both need the same thing and I can tell you find me attractive.”

“Why are you so sure about that?”

“I can tell when a woman wants me naked, but don’t feel ashamed, I think you’re hot too.”

“Wow, that’s nice to know,” you chuckle, still in disbelief of where this conversation just headed suddenly.

“When I saw you at the meeting the first time I imagined you sitting there naked. Not the best thing to think about when there are a bunch of other people in the room,” he admits and you can’t help but smile at what he just said. “I think we both would just benefit from it. Having good ass sex and finally cutting our toxic exes off, I see it as a win-win.”

He is not wrong. Actually, the more you think about the smarter it sounds in your head. You literally have nothing to lose, just have at least one great night and you don’t have to go home and satisfy yourself with the showerhead for once. Instead, this tall, muscular man could give you a good time for a change.

You stare at him for a few more moments before you show every doubt into the back of your mind and decide to give this slice of happiness to yourself.

“Alright, fuck it, let’s do it,” you sigh jumping to your feet and a second later you are sitting on his lap, lips crashing to his as his hands grab you ass with passion.

“You’re not gonna regret it,” he smirks standing up and keeping you in his arms, your legs wrapping around his waist as he heads into his bedroom. “Just so you know, I can get a little carried away during sex.”

“What, are you gonna try to kill me or something?” you ask a little out of breath kissing the corner of his mouth before he lays you down to the bed and gets on top of you, one knee between your legs and you bring against his thigh, making him groan in pleasure already.

“No, but I have a pretty dirty mouth,” he scoffs kissing you again. “Don’t get offended by my words.”

“Call me whatever you want as long as I end up screaming your name,” you cockily challenge him, and your words make his cock twitch.

It doesn’t take too long until you both get naked and Adam flips you over, pushing inside you from the back as you hold onto the headboard of his bed.

“Jesus, yes!” you pant from the sensation. He fills you up just right, his strong hands holding onto your hips steadily as he keeps slamming into you in a fast pace, the slapping sound of your bodies colliding filling the room along with your moans and his groans.

“Yes, you feel so fucking good, you fucking bitch,” he growls slapping your ass and you find yourself enjoying his dirty talks and rough ways of fucking you.

He is by far the best sex partner you’ve had and he makes sure you are just as satisfied as he is. He comes with his fingers digging into your ass, pushing almost all of his weight on you as he growls your name and it’s enough for you to throw you off the edge as well.

“Fuck! Adam!” you moan, your arms collapsing, your face buried into the pillow that smells exactly like him.

He pushes into you a few more times before pulling out leaving you with a feeling of emptiness now that he is not filling you up. You lie down on the covers as he goes to grab you a wash cloth. When he returns he kneels up to the bed and rolls you to your back opening up your knees so he can clean you up himself. When he is done he leans down and presses a kiss to your clit.

“This is one hell of a pussy. I can’t wait to eat it,” he says before standing up and you can’t help but laugh. He climbs onto the bed pulling the covers over the two of you as you lie there next to him, still in bliss from the orgasm he just gave you.

“Any regrets?” he asks turning to you.

“None,” you smirk rolling to your side, bringing your fingers up to his chest you start drawing patterns to it.

“Great. Another satisfied customer,” he jokes and you smack his chest before he wraps an arm around your shoulders and pulls you to his side.

“Can I stay the night? I don’t have the energy to go home right now.”

“Sure, but I get clingy while sleeping so you might end up with me wrapped around you.”

“That’s fine,” you chuckle before closing your eyes and letting yourself fall asleep after this hell of an eventful day.

 You and Adam, it quickly becomes regular. It usually just takes a text or a call and either of you would end up in the other’s apartment by the end of the day, gladly fucking the night away. A stressful day, an unpleasant encounter with a friend, fight with parents, these all ended up as reasons to stand on the other person’s doormat that evening and neither of you said no to these occasions, equally needing the diversion from the problems in your life. And it wasn’t always just sex, you often met up just to hang out that ended up in some crazy, breathtaking sex, but it wasn’t unusual to spend the rest of the evening together once both of you were satisfied. You had to admit Adam was a nice person to be around. Not too serious, full of secrets you were dying to find out so that your picture of him would grow with each time you saw him.

One evening when Adam is over at your place, things just aren’t going right even though you try to focus on him. He is sitting on your couch with you on his lap, casually making out, his hands on your breasts under your shirt and even though you feel aroused, you are just not in the right place in your head.

“Okay, this literally feels like I’m making out with an aunt or something,” he sighs breaking off and you sit back to his thigh as his hands slide out of your shirt down to your waist. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” you lie, but you can’t fool him.

“Cut the bullshit, Y/N. I can tell something is fucking your pretty mind up, so why don’t you just tell me?”

“I just had a stressful day at work, is all.”

“What happened?”

“My boss is up in my ass lately, because I’m a little behind with my project. I still have a lot of time to finish so I’m not worried, but he is and it’s stressing me out.”

“What made you fall behind?”

“I just had to face some unforeseen problems, but now it’s all good, I just have to pick up the pace a little bit before we present to the board. But Greg is like a psycho, he thinks I’ll run out of time and he is giving me such a hard time all day. He checks in on me every hour, asking about what progress I’ve made and he gets angry when I don’t say what he wants to hear.”

“He sounds like a total loser to me.”

“He kind of is,” you mumble under your breath, fingers playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Just ignore him, you’ll be done in time, I’m sure.” He gently squeezes your hips and leaning up he kisses your lips softly. “Why don’t we order some food and then doze out in bed?”

“But you came for the sex.”

“Yeah, but that requires at least two people and you are obviously not in the mood right now, so I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?” you frown bringing your hands up to the base of his neck.

“Positive.”

He doesn’t make a big deal out of it and he honestly seems fine with just simply hanging out without the sex part. You order pizza, he eats most of it, but you are fine with it, then you start watching a movie, but both of you fall asleep pretty early into it. When you wake up it’s already over, Adam is passed out next to you, arms wrapped around your waist. Shutting your laptop down you lie back, turning to face him. He looks like a sweet giant, sleeping peacefully, his dark hair is one big patch on your light colored pillow.

As you stare at him he starts stirring in his sleep and a few moments later his eyes open, looking a little confused.

“Hey, you alright?” he whispers blinking at you.

“Yeah, I just… put the laptop away.”

“Oh, okay,” he nods into the pillow as he pulls you closer to him and kisses the top of your head. “Go back to sleep, kid.”

You smile at the way he called you as you nuzzle against his chest and let yourself drift back to sleep.

 Hanging out without having sex happens more and more often after that night. And it’s not always you who initiates it. You often go out to have lunch together whenever Adam is near your workplace in the middle of the day, you two go see movies together, do grocery shopping together and neither of these end up in sex. Though it still happens a lot, not that you mind, because sex with Adam is just perfect. He knows exactly what to do to make you lose your shit and never leaves you unsatisfied.

But as the days go by you realize there’s been a slight change in how things are between you and him. One day you catch yourself wondering about what he must be doing right now and you realize you’ve been doing it a lot. Thinking about Adam whenever you are not with him, looking forward to see him again as soon as possible.

After all, he has become a regular person in your every days and if you think about it it’s hard to stay objective about this odd relationship you two have started.

When your project finally gets finished and presented the first person you call is Adam to tell him how great things went.

“That’s amazing, kid! I knew it would be alright.”

“Wanna celebrate tonight?”

“Sure!” 

“Your place at seven?”

“Perfect. See you tonight.”

You feel excited to spend yet another evening with Adam. You finish getting ready a bit earlier than you were supposed to and decide to just arrive before seven. It doesn’t occur to you that maybe you shouldn’t go there before the time you two agreed on, but you only realize this upon arriving.

The door to his apartment is open and you unsurely push it open walking inside.

“Adam?” you call out, peeling your coat off yourself, but there’s no answer. Instead, a few seconds later a blonde woman appears with at first curious eyes, but they soon turn into something clearly unfriendly.

“Who are you?” she asks tilting her head to the side and this is when you notice the cut on her hand and the broken glass on the floor of the kitchen.

“Who are you?” you ask back. “And where’s Adam?”

“He is clearly not here. I’m Jessa, but who the fuck you are?”

Hearing her name your throat tightens. Standing face to face of the ex you’ve heard so much about is entirely different from what you thought it would be. She is pretty, looks like a really badass person who doesn’t give a fuck about the world and lives by her own rules. So different from you on many ways and suddenly, you feel like you’re nothing.

Adam told you about how crazy things used to get when him and Jessa were having sex and seeing the mess in the kitchen and her hand, you figure she came over, they hooked up and things got out of hands, probably.

“I-I’m…” You’re not sure what to say, but there’s one thing you know and that’s the fact that you want to get the hell out of here right now.

As you turn around the door swings open and Adam walks in with a little white plastic bag in his hand.

“Okay I got bandaids, but—Y/N, you’re here early.” He freezes, his hand still holding the handle as he stares at you.

“Yeah, I uh… Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, but I’m already on my way out, so…”

You try to push you way past him, but he grabs your arm and keeps you back.

“No, wait, this is not what you think,” he insists, but you don’t want to hear it.

“Adam, it’s fine. You can do whatever you want. I just… I just wanna go home now. Please,” you whisper the last word, basically begging him.

“Just let her go,” you hear Jessa call out from inside and it’s like a stab into your chest. His hand slowly peels off you and before he could say anything you turn around and leave as fast as possible.

This is wrong, this shouldn’t hurt this bad, because nothing really happened. You and Adam are not a couple, you shouldn’t feel like this because you saw him with his ex. He has the right to do whatever he wants, because you and him has no commitments towards each other.

Arriving back home you head for a hot shower and let your tears roll down your cheeks, mixing with the water as you just stand there, and quietly keep sobbing, feeling like the biggest loser in the city.

You let yourself catch feelings for someone who is obviously not interested in you in a serious way and now you are the one, feeling broken again.

Adam tries to call you that night, but you turn your phone off, feeling like you need some time apart from him to get things straight in your head.

 “Are you happy now?” Adam snaps at Jessa after you leave, and he slams the door shut, feeling his anger building up.

“Don’t be so dramatic,” she rolls her eyes as she grabs the plastic bag from his hands and turns her attention at the bandaids he just got for her after she successfully slammed a glass at the counter and cut her hand in the heat of the fight they just had right before.

“Jessa, get the fuck out of here!”

“Are you really throwing me out?”

“I am, yes!”

“I had something else in my mind,” she seductively smiles stepping closer to Adam, sliding his hands up his chest, ready to kiss him, but he pushes her away this time.

“Stop it. I want you out of my place, now!” he barks walking past her and she is truly surprised at the way he is resisting her now.

“What the fuck has happened to you?”

“Nothing, I’m just done with you! I don’t want anything to do with you! So stop showing up at my place, because next time I’m gonna call the cops on you.”

“You can’t be serious, Adam,” she laughs shaking her head in disbelief.

“Actually, I have never been this serious, Jessa.”

“But why are you doing this now?”

“Because I don’t love you, anymore!” he snaps, his voice rumbling through the whole apartment. “I don’t love you, because I’m… Because I’m in love with Y/N, alright?!”

“What? With that girl?” she asks with utter disgust showing on her face as she gestures towards the front door.

“Yes! Because she doesn’t treat me like shit, she is actually interested in me and cares for me and I enjoy spending time with her, unlike you! So get the fuck out of here already, so I can make things right that you just screwed up, again!”

Jessa is a clever girl and now he sees that she is truly unwanted here. So grabbing her bag from the couch she heads for the door, but stopping she leaves him one last comment.

“Fuck you, Sackler,” she says flipping him off before finally leaving.

Adam feels vivid, he feels like he is about to break something and he needs everything in him to keep his cool and not ruin something. He needs some time to calm down before he feels like he is able to talk. Reaching for his phone he calls your number, but it goes almost straight to the voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Y/N. Leave a message and maybe I’ll call you back!” your pre-recorded voice greets him and he ends the call with a grunt before he could hear the beep.

“Fuck!” he snaps, his hand gripping the phone tightly. He tries to call you a few more times before leaving a short message to you.

“Y/N, please call me back. I can explain everything!”

But you don’t call him back, leaving him sleepless through the whole night.

Adam decides to give you some time, so you can come to him whenever you feel comfortable, but when he hears nothing from you for three days he can’t push his worries aside any longer.

Walking down the street to your apartment he keeps thinking about everything he wants to tell you, practicing it so he knows exactly what to say when he is standing in front of you, but his plans quickly get blown away when he spots you walk out of your building with a bearded guy who he recognizes as your ex, Luke, because you’ve shown pictures of the two of you before.

“Y/N?” he calls out, taken aback of seeing you with him and as you turn your head, your mouth hangs open. You weren’t expecting to see him and the timing is just the worst.

“Adam, what are you doing here?” you anxiously ask, glancing at Luke who is curiously eyeing him. Now that they are standing so close to each other you realize how much bigger Adam is than Luke, taller and definitely stronger.

“You didn’t answer my calls, I really wanted to talk to you.”

“Now is not the best time.”

“Hey, I’m Luke,” he chimes in holding out a hand for Adam, but he completely ignores it and his whole existence.

“You didn’t even let me tell you what really happened, just left and then never picked the phone up. The whole Jessa thing wasn’t what it looked like.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Adam. You can do whatever you want.”

“I’m sorry, would someone fill me in about what’s going on?” Luke asks and you and Adam answers at the same time, in different manners.

“Just a moment, Luke.”

“Shut the fuck up, Assface!”

“Adam!” you give him a look. You really don’t want to make a scene on the street and you know how Adam’s temper works.

“I’m sorry, but who do you think you are? Coming here and rudely call me names in front of my girlfriend who clearly doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“I’m not your girlfriend,” you snap at him and he gives you that look you know all too well. It’s the one he used to give you when he wanted you to be a nice little obeying girl and do whatever he wanted you to do. But it doesn’t work on you anymore.

“We’ll talk about it later. Get in the car, Y/N,” he tells opening the door of the black car parked right in front of the building.

“Luke, I’m not going anywhere with you and I’m not your girlfriend. Stop trying to have control over me!”

“I’m not having this discussion here right now. Get in the car!” he sneers and grabbing your arm he pulls you to the car, but you push his hand away and stumble back. You’re just about to tell him off when Adam stands between the two of you.

“Hey, stop touching her! She doesn’t want to go with you!”

“Who the fuck are you? Just get lost and leave us alone!” Luke makes the mistake of pushing Adam’s shoulder and in that moment you already know what is about to happen.

“Fuck you, Assface!” Adam growls and before you could even try to stop him, his fist collides with Luke’s face, making him smack against the side of the car with a painful growl. “You have no respect for her and you don’t deserve her!” he shouts, making people start to stop and stare at what’s happening.

“Adam, that’s enough. Come on.” You grab his arm and start pulling him backwards. At first he resists, but then he turns around and the two of you leave the growling Luke there to deal with his pain alone.

“You really shouldn’t have done that,” you shake your head at him once you are up in your apartment, alone.

“Honestly, I thought you’d be angrier at me for the punch,” he admits stopping in the middle of the living room, hands on his hips. You just shake your head smiling.

“He kinda deserved it, so…”

“The asshole deserved more than just a punch! I wish I could rub his face into the asphalt!”

“Okay, stop, I don’t want you to get arrested for assault.”

“It would worth it! The way he talked to you and touched you, had my blood boiling.”

He huffs to himself, needing a minute to calm down and then he remembers the real reason why he came here. His eyes fall back on you and you get lost in how soft they are.

“Y/N, we need to talk.”

“Adam, it’s really not—“ “No, you are going to let me talk!” he demands so you close your mouth and listen. “Nothing happened with Jessa. She came over unannounced and we got into a fight, because I said I don’t want to get back together with her. She got crazy and slammed the glass against the counter and it cut her hand. I didn’t have any bandaids at home so I had to run to the store to get some. Then you arrived and completely misunderstood the whole thing, but I threw her out after. She was losing it completely, but I didn’t want anything to do with her.”

Hearing the truth you feel a wave of relief washing over you as you find out things were different from what you thought. He didn’t hook up with her, in fact, he seemingly completely ended everything between them and it felt like victory to you.

“Okay. I believe you,” you softly say and Adam exhales sharply hearing your reply.

“Alright, now tell me what this shithead was doing here.”

“He just showed up, out of nowhere,” you roll your eyes crossing your arms on your chest. “He tried to lure me into moving back to Seattle, but I was having none of it. He said he had a table reserved for us, that’s where we were heading when you arrived and punched him,” you say smiling to yourself.

“So you didn’t get back together with him?”

“No,” you shake your head.

“Is there… Is there a specific reason why you didn’t want to get back together with him?” he questions and you feel your cheeks burning.

“Why do you want to know?”

“I’ll tell you why. Because the reason why I didn’t want Jessa back is that I fell for you.”

You gasp at his words, staring at him in awe as he slowly starts walking towards you.

“I know it all started as just a way of coping, but… Y/N, I fell in love with you. This sounds cheesy as fuck, but it really happened. It’s not about just sex anymore, well, that’s fucking amazing as well,” he adds making you laugh. “But I want more. I love sleeping with you in my arms, waking up next to you, have breakfast with you and talk about your nonsense dreams. I want to hear about the stuff that worries you and I want to be the person you come to when things get rough. I didn’t think this is how it would turn out to be, but… It happened! And now I guess I’m stuck with this feeling, hoping you won’t turn me down.”

You’ve never seen Adam Sackler this nervous, standing in front of you, waiting for any kind of response from you after his confession. His words spoke from your heart and knowing he feels the same way is just ecstatic.

Closing the distance between the two of you, your hands slide up to the back of his neck bringing him down, but just when his lips are about to touch yours, you stop.

“I love you too, you loser,” you grin before finally kissing him, earning a relieved growl as his arms wrap around you and lifting you up he spins you around while kissing you.

“I hope you know that I’ll be around you 24/7 now, you’ll get sick of me,” he warns you putting you down, but keeping you in his arms.

“Not if you get sick of me first.”

“That’s not happening. I can never get enough of you,” he says burying his face into your chest while his hands grip your ass, making you laugh at him.

“Alright, we’ll see. But now I want you to fuck me like there’s no tomorrow,” you tell him and his head shoots up in excitement.

“That’s something I can definitely do. Anything for my girl!”

Lifting you up into his arms your lips reconnect as he carries you into your bedroom, the two of you falling into the sheets like dominos and soon you become just one big naked mass, limbs tangled, lips glued together, occasional ‘I love you’s breaking the moaning and panting.

[aliasimagines]

Meeting, falling for, dating and eventually having to leave Billy Hargrove would include :

request: Billy has a girlfriend before moving to Hawkins, being her the complete opposite of him (shy, a good person, honest, kind, dedicated, sensitive, right, who likes games, who fights for the power of women, etc…) the headcanon / imagine could be how they met, how they fell in love, how was dating (the day by day), what does Billy's family think of his gf, maybe moments / hobbies / things they both did together and perhaps what the two looked like when they both had to move to different cities. by @im-hqlover

a/n: I'm soooorrryyyyy it took me this long. It's messy and all over the place but I think I included everything (?). Also this is long. Sorry 🙏

Metting & getting to know each other

You met on the first day of high school

Billy didn't have a mulet back then, he wasn't wearing the leather jacket and didn't have his ear pierced. So wasn't really having the "bad guy" look just yet

You didn't really interact since he soon became popular while you liked to stay in the shadows thanks to your shyness

He was arrogant and rude while you are kind and quiet most of the time

But of course you have noticed him. He is gorgeous. Whit his wavy blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes.

Billy first really acknowledged you when you got paired for a school project in sophomore year. (not cliché at all)

You were nervous. Why wouldn't you be? It's Billy Hargrove we are talking about. One of the cool guys.

But honestly you didn't really think he would care about it

Much to your surprise he found you in lunch break. Billy told you that he has to pick up his step sister after school, but if you give him your address he will meet you there at 5

You were a bit shocked. Does he actually care? About a stupid school project?

Turns out he really does because he is failing the class

It's 5 past 10 when he shows up. He's got a small cut on his cheek which weren't there at school.

"Are you okay, Billy?"

He shrugged his shoulder, annoyed

"Can you just let me inside so we can do that stupid project?"

Deciding it's better not to anger him you step aside and guide him to your room

You start to do some research when you hear him murmur quietly

"I don't get this"

he was pointing at the task.

"Which part do you not get?"

"All of it?"

So you begin to explain him calmly and slowly

After about 2 hours, Billy kind of gets it so you start working.

You eat dinner with books in your hands while discussing the project.

And it's like you have been friends for years. You forgot your shyness and Billy forgot about all his problems. You even joked around between two tasks.

It's pretty late when you finish but it's friday so it's okay.

When you said goodbyes and you're about to close the door he suddenly turns around.

"Thanks Y/N. For explaining that shit."

"Of course, Billy! I'm glad I could help you!"

On Monday you and Billy present your project and the teacher is blown away by it. And Billy is so happy he pulls you into a bone crushing hug. And your bl

The teacher says that if Billy can keep this up he won't fail the class. So the teacher asks you to tutor him.

Growing & confessing feelings for each other

Once a week Billy comes over after he walked Max home( cause he doesn't have his car jet) and you guys work on home work together and study. Overtime he a bit longer stays after you finished studying. He stays for dinner (your parents love him) or you just hang in your room talking and listening to music.

Billy feels so comfortable around you. It's the way you treat him. Always so calm, kind and caring. He just feels like he can trust you. And he eventually realizes that he fell for you.

And oh boy, that scares him.

First Billy doesn't want to do anything about because he thinks there is no way you like him back.

But after spending many sleepless nights with fantasizing about what your relationship would be like he can't keep his emotions bottled up.

He gets up at 3 am and just goes over to your house and starts throwing rocks at your window

"Billy! What are you doing here?"

"I want to speak with you. Can you.. come outside?"

2 minutes later you find yourself walking next to Billy in a short and an oversized shirt you quickly changed into.

Few minutes pass and he still hasn't said anything. So you nervously turn to him and open your mouth to say something but he beats you to it.

"Y/N thanks to you I've got good grades and I'm super grateful for that but that's not why... Ah shit.. I can't"

He notices you're slightly shaking.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine just a bit cold"

"Oh, here. Take my jacket" and he puts it on your shoulders

And you're jumping out of your skin.

Because over there months you spent together you grew feelings for this boy and now he was giving you his jacket. Billy freaking Hargrove was giving you his signature leather jacket!

Oh, you weren't blushing. Naaah, not at all.

"T-thanks Billy..."

"Sure thing."

"So You were trying to say something?"

"Oh shit! ...You... I was trying to say how fucking nervous you make me." *cute small laugh*

Billy took a deep breath and stoped. You looked at him, totally confused.

"Y/N... I... I like you. Like... Like like you. I have been for a while now. You are just the cutest and kindest person I have ever met. Whenever you and I are alone I feel so happy... You make me super happy."

He looks at you like a lost puppy. He is just so goddamn cute.

Even though you're shy you pull him down by the collar of his shirt and kiss him.

Just a few hours ago you wouldn't even dare to dream about Billy liking you, yet here you are kissing on the poorly lighted street at 3 am.

That's how it started

Dating Billy & what his family thinks of it/about you

So Billy likes to show you off. Take you to parties (but if you don't want to he won't force you to), hold your hand in school or even kiss you by the lockers.

You definitely earn some jealous looks after that, even some threatening ones. (don't worry, Billy will punch everyone who tries to hurt you)

You accompany him when he has to walk Max home

Max does not mind it. You're always nice to her. You quickly befriend with the cute little ginger and take her to the arcade or play video games with her.

Once Billy gets his car you go on nightly car rides

He loves surfing, so he takes you to surf whenever he can. You have little competitions like "who can stay longer on the board?"

Or if you can't surf he will teach you.

Once you come out of the water he likes to walk around the beach, fingers intertwined, maybe get some ice cream or something. You guys would stay till ot gets dark.

Or sometimes even after that. Billy wound find a nice hidden spot where you can gaze up at the beautiful night sky as he holds you in his strong arms. And he has that smile on his face. You know it's a smile he only uses when it's just the two of you.

Like I said he is a show of and likes to drag you to parties so in return you drag him to demonstrations for women rights.

Billy loves listening to music and he loves you so listening to music with you is one of his favorite things to do.

You met his father and Susan when you ran over to his house to return his jacket.

Susan opens the door, asks who you are and when you tell her that you are Billy's girlfriend she immediately invites you in

She tells Max to inform Billy that you're here

Susan was cooking when you knocked so you ask if you can help her in anything till Billy comes.

"Oh aren't you sweet! Thank you, I would appreciate it!"

You and Susan are in deep conversation while you are cutting some vegetables when Billy walks in.

"Babe? What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I just brought back your jacket."

That's when Niel enter the kitchen too. He doesn't even says hello, he is just like: "who the hell is that?"

"I'm, uhm.. I'm Billy's girlfriend, sir."

Neil snorts and turns to his son "Your girlfriend?" Billy just nods so Susan takes the opportunity to speak up

"She is such a sweetheart, I didn't even know you had a girlfriend Billy."

"I guess I just didn't had a chance to talk about her"

Now his dad is looking at you "Does he take good care of you?"

"Yes sir, Billy is a wonderful boyfriend!"

"Pff are you talking about my son?"

And you're looking at him like wtf.

Later Billy tells you about his dad and how he treats him.

First your just so angry, because how can someone do that to their children?

But than you comfort your boyfriend. Tell him how he deserves the word and how you will always be there for him.

Moving to different cities

Billy is heartbroken when he learns you have to move.

But than his father announces that they will move to Hawkins and now he is hating every one.

You are devastated too, obviously. You just want to cry and be held by Billy but he is too busy being angry at the world.

You find him at your hiding spot on the beach, smoking.

"Billy, please don't be like this, this is hard for me too!"

He is too afraid of living without you, you're the only good thing in his life. And he doesn't want to lose you too.

"Baby I don't want this..." his voices is barely louder that a whisper, and you know he is fighting with his tears too.

"Me neither, Billy but... But we could figure out something?"

"What? We will be so freaking far away from each other!"

"Yes I know, but after high school we could still come back to Cali and live in a cute house by the ocean like how we planned"

"I... Yeah. Yes, you're right. But still, i don't know what will I do without you."

You sit next to him "We will talk. Every day on the phone. And I will write you."

The they you have to say goodbye is the worst. You are both crying. He doesn't want to let you go. You ran your fingers through his hair, one last time. He kisses you.

"Promise you won't forget me, Y/N. "

"I couldn't never!"

"Just promise."

"I promise, that I won't ever forget you Billy Hargrove."

[jimlingss]

pt.2 of yesterday

I don’t want to flood people’s dashes, so hopefully answering your messages here will suffice!

anonymous asked: Hi! I wanted to tell you how much I love your work and how you make me enjoy every Monday thanks to your regular updates ! I saw a previous anon telling you how your writings lacks of emotion and I totally disagree with them... obviously everybody won’t like it but your stories just DON’T lack of love or emotion this is madness I want to thank you for publishing your amazing stories freely here for everyone to read. (Sorry if my English is weird I’m french ejfjekfjd)

“this is madness” LOL

You’re hilarious, anon. And your english is perfectly fine!!!

anonymous asked: Hello! Im the culinary student anon who sent you an ask a while ago and i saw you received an ask about the lack of emotion from your stories. I read kitchen romance and i actually really really like it and don’t quite understand how it lacks in emotions as I interpreted the stories more like the beginning of the oc and jin’s love story and they are only starting to open up to each other so i guess thats why anon might feel like it lacks romantic vibe from both of the characters. (1)

Anonymous said: Just want to tell you that you’re one of the best writer and ive been following you for 2/3 years now, you never failed to amaze me with your writings!! All your stories are so well written that i sometimes wonder how do you come up with such an amazing plot every single time and your stories are always nice to re-read and the effort you pour into creating your stories is also admirable (2)

while i was reading kitchen romance and ive only started s&c (currently on chapter 4) i can say that its pretty similar with how it is irl (and the part where we find out jk is an iu fans reminded me of my ex-crush whose also a culinary student, i would like to tell you a story about it but ill just waste your time lol) , just want to send you a few encouragement and love for you and your writings *sending virtual hugs* (3) -👩🏻‍🍳anon

You’re too kind, thank you (and also, welcome back!). I’ll be frank, there was a hot second I was considering taking down Kitchen Romance but I didn’t cause I don’t want my efforts of editing it to go to waste asdfghjkl. I can’t believe you’ve been sticking around me for so long :’) it’s always nice to know some folks stay. Anyway, I’m glad that Sugar and Coffee is pretty similar to how it works irl since I tried my best to do research. I definitely love a good storytime as well so don’t worry about wasting my time :>

Anonymous said: a good majority of your fics display an unfathomable amount of DEPTH. regarding character development. plot. even the shortest lines of dialogue reveal so much more to the character and unveil their true emotions. i personally think the more REALISTIC side of love may be perceived as 'bland.' ‘emotionless.’ whatever you want to call it. nothing’s wrong with portraying a relationship that isn’t overboard with a whole lot of tooth aching fluff or lowkey annoying pda. +1

Anonymous said: there’s nothing wrong with taking out a bit of emotion to fit the PERSONALITIES of the characters. some people out there don’t necessarily feel a lot of emotions. so it’s honestly not really a mistake if a story lacks it (unless it was unintentional). subtlety is an art that is hard to master, but you’ve done it! and to respond to the anon, sometimes, if you skim through a fic without reading every word the author intended for you to read, +2

Anonymous said: then it’s quite common to not feel the full extent of the emotions you were supposed to feel. just a thought but no hate. we’re all entitled to our opinions. but besides that, kina, you write on a vast scale ranging from hardcore angst to diabetes-inducing fluff. and you do it beautifully. sure there are some stories that are better than others, but i believe a LOT of it comes down to personal preference and taste. +3

Anonymous said: even if you are feeling creatively limited, you work hard to continue writing for your readers, and your determination and diligence wILL NOT GO UNNOTICED. i just want you to know that you write amazingly. your syntax is practically immaculate, your characters feel real… the endings of your stories always wrap something up and the strings are tied—even if it isn’t necessarily a happy ending. you can convey hundreds of different characters through WORDS. +4

Anonymous said: i’ll have you know that it’s hard to write. it’s even harder to write about people who aren’t YOU. so as someone who looks up to you a lot, i want to commend you for your writing. some of your fics that i read on a monthly basis: tears of a villain, a piece of the moonlight, head over heels to hell, ghost in the machine, a mark of betrayal, a kiss of poison, until yesterday, the truth between us and arcadia. +5

Anonymous said: to be fair, there were way more fics but i didn’t want to make this message any longer than it already is LOL. i find these pieces wonderful. heart wrenching. and SO DAMN EMOTIONAL IT PLAGUES MY MIND FOR DAYS. also you’re literally one of the few fucking people who can use the em dash correctly. thank you so much for sharing your talent with us! +6

Oh my goodness. I don’t even know what to say, anon. This is a whole damn thesis and it’s about my fics :’> You know, it’s easy to brush off fanfiction as a ‘whatever’ thing and indeed, it isn’t that big of a deal compared to some things in the world. But I really do take all my stories seriously and put forth a lot of effort - so to see it recognized and appreciated it makes me beyond happy. It’s good to know that my efforts haven’t gone to waste at all and that there are people out there who will support me no matter the endeavours I take. Thank you so much. You don’t know how much this means to me.

((Also, honestly I picked up the em dash usage after I wrote The Truth Between Us with gukyi who used it. I’m pretty sure I’m not using it right but to hear that I am, god damn that’s a breath of relief right there))

backtobleuside submitted: Are you kidding me!? Your stories don’t lack love at all. They’re the kind of fics that you read, soak it all in and then come back for more. I’ve cried so much when I read Beyond reach, Boo-lieve in me, A piece of the moonlight, His name, Tell me lies etc. etc, and also laughed and felt the emotions of not just the OC, but also the other characters. Kitchen Romance was also so fluffy and sweet and personally, I don’t think that anything needs to be added to it. Anyway, your fics do not lack emotion—you’re probably the first author I send a message to because your stories impacted me a lot and left a strong impression on me. I even imagine your characters as real people who have real lives that continue on even after the story is done.

asdfghjkl thank you :’) I see you every week and sometimes several times at that. I really appreciate your consistent feedback and following. You never fail to send me a message too which I appreciate a lot. I’m glad you’re enjoying everything I’m producing!!

youngfleurever said: Would just like to say that your fics do in fact make me violently sob to the boy where my eyes are so swollen I have trouble opening them the next day and I wake up feeling like there’s sawdust in my mouth because I’m dehydrated.

oh my god. please keep yourself hydrated hahahahhaha more importantly, how do you know what sawdust in your mouth is like. WHAT have you been doing LOL

Anonymous said: I’ve felt emotions that I’ve never felt before when I read your fics.... so as a person that has read your entire masterlist, I DO NOT think that your fics lack emotion.... I hope you don’t feel disheartened because you’re one of my favourite writers, not just on tumblr but like, evER 💓💓💓💓💓💓

Please, even if I was disheartened, the overwhelming amount of feedback and praise has completely overridden it :’)

joonie-mono said: when tumblr deletes the first part of your ask 🙄😌✌️

LOOOOOOOL

haylo4ever said: Sorry had to add my 10 cents. You're such a talented writer,,, I WISH I could write a smol smol 1/1000000000 that you write,,, like I remember when I followed you bc I was in awe of your writing.... I mean?? Sure maybe not every fic hits it with someone but it's just ridic to name drop (a friend nonetheless) when you're all extremely talented writers.

Trust me, writing comes with practice!! I should honestly just tattoo that on me. God knows my first fanfic was absolutely GARBAGE. I didn’t know pacing, didn’t know that I should separate chunks of paragraphs, how to write dialogue or describe scenes properly. I went in blind. Even my second, third and fourth fanfic was garbage. You could definitely get to “my level” or even far surpass it with enough dedication and practice. I mean I’ve been writing for four years, so thank GOD there’s been improvement. I wouldn’t be natural if there wasn’t. But clearly the more you practice, the better you improve! That applies to anything.

The me in ten years will certainly be better now.

Anonymous said: Hi kina! I’m here in support of kitchen romance! I actually didn’t feel like it was missing a ton of fluffy moments (and I say that as a huGE LOVER OF FLUFF) but the story was just as entertaining in the whole chase of them getting closer to each other! It’s honestly one of my favorite one shots I’ve read lately and I’m not saying that lightly! Also, that anon that said your work lacks emotion has probably not read like half of your masterlist bc oO MAN QUEEN OF MAKING ME CRY- black heart anon🖤

Thank you :’]

Anonymous said: Ok I’m very offended wow the audacity!Specially coming for my baby kitchen romance like that story made me feel so much and it’s only one of the many fics you have written kina like I’m literally baffled like dynasty has made me cry scream happy and hot all at the same time and I was literally just thinking about it that whole weekend and this anon has the nerve to say your stories lack emotions?When you are literally the queen of show casing all types of emotions in your stories!You did it all

Anonymous said: Also 😭😭😭😂😂😩hoooooooow and whereeee did they see any lack of love and emotions like have you read jungle park???? Inside my mind??? FREAKING SUGAR AND COFFEE (like this fic is made with love and I- ) Actually you know what , just read the whole masterlist😩😩💗💗💗

LOL tbh I didn’t expect Dynasty to receive the love it has. I was actually kind of wary when posting it cause it’s kind of Wild. 

bangtans-peaceful-piegon said: just gotta say u handled that whole anon thing so well which not only makes me admire u as a writer but even more as a person :] (i mean i knew u were gr8 before the whole deal but yeah love ya 💛)

tbh, I’m not sure how well I handled it cause I was flooded with over 30 messages afterwards (evidently) ;_; which I love and appreciate but I’m not really as hurt as some people think hahaha criticism should be received well but it’s still hard not to take personally tbh. It’s gonna have to be something I work on or perhaps it’ll be one of those things that I’ll take better with age.

[g0dtier]

im sorry i just gotta rant about how annoyed my classmate makes me because i just spent 5 days with her in a hostel room and i just need to rant about all the shit she pulls

shes super fucking manipulative. she always tries to stir shit and bitches about everyone behind their backs, most of all me. most of us used to think she was fine but then we became closer to her and we found out how fucking slimy she acts sometimes

shes a super pathological liar. she lied about how a super prestigious art school in chicago wanted her and she was moving there and then a week before the move it was all called off but “they totally kept calling her every month or so to try and make something work cause they just really wanted her”. no name of the school was given

she pretends to have a psychosis like all the time. “oh i had a psychosis 5 times today” like you know thats not how a psychosis works right. sometimes she’ll just zone off for 10 mins and be like “sorry i had a psychosis lol”

she pretends to have panic attacks every time shes asked to do physical labor and she just doesnt wanna. she starts stuttering and pretends her mental state detoriates to that of a 5yo and starts using small words and shit. then she’ll walk off and 5 mins later shes fine outside smoking and laughing, and if you go up to her and be like “hey are you ok to help carry this lamp for our exhibit” she’ll just start stuttering and “hyperventilating” and talking like a 5yo again. then 3 mins later shes fine again UNLESS you ask her to do anything

she has this rivalry with fucking anyone that gets better grades than her and it turns into a mindgame where she keeps talking shit and tries to one up those people (including me) all the time. she hates me especially cause i dated the guy she had a thing for for a year and the moment we broke up (which we were both fucking devastated about) she just kept trying to get close to him again and kept talking to me about how much she hung out with him etc and the guy was just like “uh yeah im avoiding her like the plague”. he already hated her while we were dating too lmfao. 

she constantly has this squeal noise that she does that makes her sound like a lil kid and she does it to be cute. whenever she sees a teacher she wants to impress shes like “squeal ohmyGOD paul!!!!!!!! you totally have to see my work!!!!” and whenever she sees someone whos boot she wants to lick she does it as well. it hurts my eardrums

shes a super diva and asks for a lot of special attention. when we were making our work spaces she lied about how the 2nd years “didnt wanna work with us and made a big deal about everything and the teachers totally agreed with her”. i went and asked them. 2nd years said she wasnt interested in a talk and the teachers were like “yeah we havent heard anything from her so idk what shes talking about”. she made a BIG ASS studio for herself thats like the size of a small room and the moment the teachers saw it they were like “ok yea you need to downsize HARD”. 2 years ago she pulled the same shit and the 2 people that were organizing our work spaces had to talk with her for 2.5 hours because she ABSOLUTELY needed to have a space that was at least twice as big as ours under a specific window so she could sit back in her chair and look out the window because “otherwise she couldnt work”

she’ll reserve rooms to present her work in and then offer like 3 people to present their work there as well and then on the day of presentations shes like “actually im not ok with it lol go find something else” when all the rooms are already reserved. like shes actively trying to sabotage. 2 years ago the teachers actually had to step in and be like “you cant fucking do this shit” and she stopped for a while but was doing it again last year. tried to guilt me out of my room as well like “um i really need to present in your room” and got super pissed when i said no because we had to have the presentations 100% done on presentation day and both our work is pretty massive so moving out all my work and setting hers up during presentation day would be a huge hassle and super annoying to the people that were presenting at the time. so she guilted my other classmates into giving her a huge space of the main presenting room

as a class we talked about the general mindset and atmosphere in the class and we all agreed shes a huge weight that hangs onto us and we really wish the chicago deal had been real and she’d just gone there. her work isnt that good either, she makes almost the exact same shit she made in year 1. whenever she presents you can see the teachers be like “idfk what this girl is talking about” so i have no idea how she even made it to the 4th year

GOD ill be glad to never have to see her again after graduating

[01010010-posts]

— my white sighs quietly melted with the stars above.

it all started with a simple ‘you’re a slowpoke??’ text and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply immediately after. ‘I’m sorry, I think you have the wrong person’. absolutely no, you scoffed, as if you were going to be tricked again ‘bitch don’t play the wrong number card because you didn’t catch the bus’. he was amused by your obstinacy and lightly worried about the supposed receiver, who, it appeared, was very clumsy; ‘please, control the number you texted, I’m Connor.’ boy he sure was. not your pal, not someone else in your contact list, just.... Connor. ‘god, i apologize!! thank you for telling me! ps. didn’t mean to call you a bitch, connor’ and it should have ended there, really, but you got a reply. connor: shouldn’t you be in bed by now? you: but,,,, i wanted to chat with u a little more connor: as an android sleep is not required but you, as a human, need to rest. we can always continue talking tomorrow. you: :( what if you have a long case tomorrow?? mh?? what if?? what you’re gonna say in your defense then?? connor: don’t worry :) I’ll find time for you. you: ok you win goodnight ☆ connor: sweet dreams. goodnight, [name]. it’s been three months since you’ve first spoken with him. intimacy there but low, how obvious it is that the two of you are proceeding with caution. yet you can’t help but write to him every day, staying up late while waiting for an answer of his, often checking your mobile and getting unsettled when there’s no signal. it’s strange, your colleagues whisper, how can you be so attached to someone if you’ve never even seen him? of course, you know it. you don’t wish for a pretty face, you only wish for a pretty personality. with a heavy sigh and a loud poof you pull the white duvet up to your head, finding comfort by completely hiding inside the warm embrace. you tightly hug a pillow, pretending that it’s him, returning your affection and cuddling, maybe caressing you too inasmuch, as he said, ‘androids don’t need to sleep’. but is it bad to fantasise? you: I’m deeply sorry.... sweetheart: >:( you: [name], it’s the seventh text-made emoji you’ve sent me.... they expressed some sort of anger so I’d prefer if we discussed about whatever is bothering you. sweetheart: >:(( you: I’m begging you.... sweetheart: you’re grounded and your punishment is enduring the wrath of weird angery text-based emoji :< you: what did I do to deserve this? :’( sweetheart: i sent you a heart & you didn’t send it back to me you: gosh! how clumsy of me! could you ever forgive this fool? sweetheart: mhhh it depends. what are you willing to do to be pardoned? you: I’ll send you whatever heart I possess! 💕💖💗💖 sweetheart: THIS IS UNFAIR!!! he’s silently giggling all by himself, in the cold room lit by his blue led circling at a steady rhythm– no, it’s not the temperature, rather it’s the atmosphere; ‘cold’. he’s still grappling with emotions and developing tastes is– well, to put it simply, complicated. he’s heartened with the fact that you once said, at the sight of a photo of his bed and the corner within, that being minimalistic is a style too. though, possibly, his true self is one of a clutterer of knick-knacks. of course, he’d like you to help him pick what ornaments would suit him the best. you: wtf i dont believe it connor♡ : but it does! you: prove it MIKU HATSUNE connor♡ : listen here human it’s not my fault you haven’t got the chance to witness an android external fluid deactivating you: !!!!! are you bragging?? connor♡ : ahahaha I’m joking it’s sending a video right now you watch ecstatically as soon as the app downloads the file, your chest throbbing with pleasurable anxiety. how can it be? he’s kind, precious AND fucking handsome, skin or no skin. you bet bad things will happen to you today to balance this sheer luck. think it thoroughly, it’s actually the first time you see his face. you: u’r cute also how does your hair work man connor♡ : thank you :) it’s connected to my head so.... you: i get it cybernetic magic your secrets are safe with me connor♡ : ahahaha and I was concerning myself about disgusting you you: WHAT fuck no you’re done that way, ok, it’s cool ok? kept it in mind are you allowed to insert ♡ near his name and not tell him? you: I’m waiting!! :/ sweetheart: so needy you: come on, [name]! sweetheart: tru tho you: >audio file cooome ooooonn sweetheart: !!! im ready pick up idiot the monitor lits and here you are, gorgeous. he’s certain that his heart melted on the spot. such is the sensation you give him every time you send him a photo, his thirium pump skipping a beat and making him inevitably somewhat gasping for air, mouth barely closed. he’s not accustomed to all the new features deviancy brought but in this he’s confident, he’s head over heels in love with you. you: what?? you’ve already seen the movie?? love♡ : yeah! I went with Hank! it was very nice, you should see it too you: WELL id kill to (please don’t arrest me detective) but nobody wants,,,, love♡ : why is that? (I won’t arrest you if you behave) you: something along the lines of not their genre or some shit uff (seems sketchy) love♡ : what about going alone? (it isn’t!!) you: it would be too sad :’(  love♡ : I’m sorry to hear that, if I could be there I’d accompany you and wouldn’t mind seeing it a second time. you: yes i know.... what is it? six months? more? you hardly remember, having so many messages in here, it would be too difficult to keep track, though you’re positive, that if you asked him he’d tell you in an instant, since he’s so attentive with that little brain-computer of his. you close your lids, tapping your fingers on the desk, it’s wearing, you must admit. you like him, a lot at this point, but being so far and out of reach.... what can come out of this? friends don’t support you either, ignoring this blatant crush, trying to make you hook-up with people met at a bar, getting annoyed at you constantly texting, preaching that a long distance relationship is not worth your time and your effort, and it’s not even a relationship, isn’t it? you’re not on that level. you’re just weirdos keeping themselves company. bummed out a bit, you decide that maybe avoiding him for a couple of days might be a proper solution. will he feel your absence? will he miss you? you: is everything all right? sweetheart: yes. you: are you sure? sweetheart: yep im,,,, swamped with work, the drill you: that I understand but perhaps I did something wrong? sweetheart: ?? you: you’ve been acting kinda cold lately, and if I’m the cause of that I’m sorry. being a deviant is good sometimes, and sometimes is not. it was great until a while ago so why now.... now....? he feels so lost. it’s understandable to have a job and a life outside this bond but– but is it really? is it okay for you to be without him? you’d manage fine. mhh no– the real question is: is it okay for him to be without you? can he be without sending you a text at least once a day? can he be without hearing your voice at least once a week? can he be without your usual video calls at least twice a month? can he be without seeing you, over a screen, cooking your dinner and singing? can he be? can he exist without you? he’s.... starting to doubt that. sweetheart: no i’m i’m the one whos sorry, okay? we can call tomorrow you: I don’t want to press you into anything you don’t want to sweetheart: you’re not! i’ll make up for not having been so present! you sigh, suffocating yourself on the pillow, how can you be this dense? this stupid? this utter moronic?? unequivocally he was going to worry. you made him worry. fuck. you’re going to trust your guts, no dumb jokes, it’s obvious that you both care about the other and can’t stay apart for too long. you: i know it’s 3AM and you told me to not be awake but i cant i cant okay? im thinking of you and me and you and it began because im a mess so it shouldnt be a surprise i havent gotten better this past year has been.... the best. yeah i fucked up and tried to be distant, to see if sth would change but it didnt i love waking up and finding a text from you, i love the sound of your voice trying to lull me goodnight when im being a spoiled child, i love how you’re so gentle & how you always forgive me and mostly i love you not as a friend, definitely as more, definitely like a lover and i know that you’re so caring that you’ll probably still want to talk with me even if the affection’s not mutual you lock your phone’s screen and place it on the nightstand. the orange light from the streets seeping through the curtains and soaking your covers, and now that your eyes are free to roam, it’s easier to notice the soft feathers’ filling making tiny shadows on your face. poor poor geese. your fingertips slightly touch the stitches, your heartbeat pacing furiously from the strong emotions, both trepidation and fear running your veins. what if he doesn’t feel the same? what if he’s been polite this whole time and you overstepped his boundaries? what if? love♡ is typing.... ping! love♡ : I love you too, honey. but please, don’t scare me again, I think I lost four biocomponents when you suddenly stopped replying to me. also you should sleep. you: im pouring my heart out ugly crying and!!!! you’re too casual nooo it’s no big deal baby we just fucking love each other it’s totally ok incoming call from love ♡ “hey....” his tone slow and almost drowsy “i thought it was clear enough.” words rolling off his tongue, the same that he’d tenderly run across you, kissing, tasting, worshipping your body “i hate you.” you sniffle and there’s a chuckle on the different end “i love you.” you smile, wiping off the tears wetting your cheeks with the back of your right hand “i love you too.”

[wonderlustlucas]

dancing through our house - kim yugyeom

⇢ prompt Feet don’t dance like they did with you.—“ghost of you” by 5 seconds of summer ⇢ pairing yugyeom x female reader ⇢ word count 2.5k ⇢ genre some fluff, but mainly heavy angst ⇢ warnings main character death; descriptions of anxiety & depression ⇢ summary In which some things are impossible to forget. ⇢ a/n this be hella sad i think i cried the whole time writing this. listen to the song for optimum sadness. my friend read this earlier and told me to quote what she said sooo: BUT LIKE EVEN THOUGH IT HITS YOU AT THE CORE AND YOUR LIKE WOW THIS IS SO GOOD YOUR ALSO LIKE FUCK THIS AUTHOR CAUSE WOW IM CRYIN

“You’re too pretty for a shitty place like this,” you commented boldly; however, no trace of humor laced your tone and, casual as ever, you took a long gulp from your red plastic cup as Yugyeom leaned against the marble island, speechless because he was the one that spent hours planning for this moment. He was the one that had an insufferable crush on your pretty face from the moment he tumbled headfirst, literally, into your life. Days had rolled into weeks which rolled into months and he simply could never bottle up all his feelings and serve them as they were, “Today’s the day,” he told himself practically every morning, yet as soon as he marched into the lecture hall with the courage of an ex-One Direction fan slash current K-pop fan and found you so, so effortlessly beautiful amongst your circle of friends, his tail shot between his legs and, alas, “Tomorrow. Tomorrow’s the day.”

And so, when Yugyeom’s first ever university end of year party rolled around, BamBam, Jeongguk, and Mingyu thrust an absurd amount of shots down his esophagus and propelled him like a rocket to where you concocted some sort of drink, he was ready this time. He was going to grab the bull—no, not a bull, you’re too pretty to even be labeled as some sort of animal—by the horns and spill out every last ounce of his emotions until his lungs collapsed, whether you remembered him from the first day of freshman orientation nearly six months ago when he oh-so-gracefully smacked your iced coffee right out of your hands or not. He was here now, prepared to do whatever it took to sweep you off your feet, not vice versa.

“You didn’t give me a chance to get to the good part of this conversation,” Yugyeom grumbled, ruffling his hair with his hands, he saw—he saw your eyes follow the motion and his heart absolutely picked up to a detrimental rate. “Wait,” you smiled—or was that a smirk you were hiding?—and added an ungodly amount of rum to your cup, “I think this is where you’re finally going to tell me how you feel and I’d rather embarrass myself drunk than embarrass myself sober because, I’ll have you know, I nearly shit my pants every time I see you.”

Suddenly Yugyeom’s tongue was pulsing like a heart in his very dry mouth and he most definitely misheard you—right? “Is that a good shit, or a bad shit?”

You laughed, a sound so sickly sweet he fleetingly considered smashing his head through the wall until your answer blessed his ears, “Nah, it’s a good shit. I heard you were head over heels for me, or something like that, back in January and I thought you’d come talk to me but—ah, never mind. Needless to say, we were both dumb for not just speaking up.”

“Does this mean if I ask you on a date you won’t reject me?” Yugyeom let out a shaky laugh, mesmerized with the way your skin glowed under the kitchen’s dimmed lights, he fought the urge not to cup your face and instead opted for stepping closer, breathing in your rosy perfume and nearly losing his shit, when you responded with a bashful smile.

“Yeah,” you sighed, much more breathless than you’d like to be, “you don’t have to worry about that anytime soon. Unless, of course, you’re a total dickhead or a terrible kisser,” you snorted, a noise usually found unpleasant but Yugyeom wanted nothing more than to prove to the world no fresh-out-of-the-pussy puppy was cuter than you; however, his prize-winning grin faltered when you went on, “which by the way, I think we should totally test that out. You know, in case you are a terrible kisser and I have time to back out of this dating proposition.”

Yugyeom didn’t need to be asked twice and yanked you forward so quickly you yelped, but, the gentleman he is, steadied you against his chest and dipped down to kiss you without a single drop of hesitation. His lips found yours effortlessly, heart singing with joy when you gasped against his mouth but melted into his arms nevertheless, his tongue ran along the seam of your lips, and he could just barely taste a hint of Doritos cheese as—

The shrieking of his cellphone like an angry rattlesnake renders Yugyeom’s peaceful dreaming of the beginning of his relationship with you nearly 3 years ago cut short-lived, he lets out an aggravated groan, slapping around the mattress aimlessly for the device before pressing down on the off button to shut the annoying blaring off.

Brain still clouded with sleep, Yugyeom flips onto his stomach and sighs blissfully, stretching his arm out to the pillows on the left side in order to determine whether you’ve already left for work or not.

Upon feeling the icy touch of the sheets Yugyeom rolls over to your side, relishing in mornings like these: he’s home, you’ll be home soon, he can spend the rest of the day—the whole day!—with you. Cheek pressed against your pillows, Yugyeom inhales a hefty breath of your scent, filling his lungs and brain with the jasmine and vanilla perfume from your shampoo. He smiles into the coolness of the downy pillow, contemplating whether he wants to send you good morning meme until, like a shit ton of bricks dumped on his head, the weight of the world falling on his shoulders, the realization hits Yugyeom slowly, cruelly.

He realizes, upon impact, that whether he texted your phone or not—you won’t answer. He could text you a million times a minute, call you even, and you wouldn’t answer because you’re not here. Eyelids fluttering open within milliseconds, Yugyeom jerks away from your side of the bed with a choke, clawing the sheets as he flies from the bed, nearly crumbling to the floor but catching a grip against the windowsill. You’re gone.

Breathless and with your smell multiplying like cells in his senses, Yugyeom reaches for the closest thing—one of his pillows hanging lopsided off the mattress—and pelts it to the wall across from where he stands, heaving, watching with disappointment as it thumps against the brick lightly and, consequently, not unleashing any of his pent-up emotions. Your beautiful heart isn’t even beating.

But he knows if you were here, you’d tell him he would be just fine.

The red and black and white grain muddling Yugyeom’s vision begins to clear as he chokes on air, the briny taste of tears enters his mouth when he licks his chapped lips and when did he start crying?

Six feet underground. Like the past thirty-three days, Yugyeom blinks away the rest of his tears and waits until they’re dribbling down his cheeks to wipe them, he lets out a shaky breath and proceeds with his day, plucking up the pillow and setting it back on the bed like you would’ve asked him to.

When he leaves the bedroom and makes way for the kitchen, he winces at the eerie silence of the apartment aside from the incessant percussion of birds singing outside the living room window and occasional creaking of the attendants an apartment above and decides some Chris Brown could do. Swinging open the refrigerator door, Yugyeom sighs at what’s inside—or, better, there lack of—and decides, he really needs to go grocery shopping; a half-empty gallon of milk, three eggs left in the carton, what’s left of the sliced bread, and four bottles of soju that has turned into medicine to cure his headaches and panic attacks rather than a way to enjoy nights like he used to with you.

Despite the persistent growling from his gut, Yugyeom only reaches for the milk, sets it down on the counter and hums—he hums!—something so insignificant but something he hasn’t done since your accident as he reaches for the dishwasher and pulls the door open. His humming stops when he catches sight of your coffee cup inside, mauve lipstick stain faded even more from the day before and he knows if he wants it to stay he has to stop using it every morning, but a part of him cannot help but reach for it because it’s just another part of you.

His stomach churns and keeps churning and suddenly Yugyeom’s head is heavy and saliva is flooding his mouth and he’s burning hotter than the star that keeps our planet alive and he scrambles to the stainless steel and heaves into the sink, expelling everything from his belly, which, ultimately, is nothing. Yugyeom dry-heaves, once, twice, before inhaling a shuddering breath, drool dripping from his lips and down his chin until he hastily wipes it away. With his appetite stolen like a rug whipped away from beneath his feet, Yugyeom slams the dishwasher door closed, the contents angrily rattling inside, and leaves the milk on the counter for he could not give less of a shit.

A cold shower fixes everything, love, you would say, the cold-shower freak yourself, he nods to himself, a cold shower will do, Yugyeom makes way for the bathroom and strips from his clothes that seem to stick to his sweaty body, twists the shower knob just slightly so the stream is at its coldest possible temperature before whipping aside the curtain and stepping inside. Yugyeom shudders at the contact of water against his skin, goosebumps spreading across his body head to toe and he presses himself against the wall, shivers wracking his body, squeezing his eyes tighttighttightuntil it all goes away, until he’s numb, until your standing beside him again.

His body, at some point, numbs to the frigid water and he finally backs away from the wall to stand underneath the shower head, running his hands through his raven hair, rubbing the crust away from his eyes, washing up quickly and using your body cleanser instead of his own. When Yugyeom’s finished, he dries off quickly and wraps the towel low on his hip, but frowns when he enters your bedroom because you’re not there to tell him how hot he is and how lucky you are, in which he would tackle your cute ass and smother your face in kisses, which, eventually, lead to his towel on the floor and your clothes dropped next to it.

A dinging notification from Yugyeom’s phone still buried beneath his pillows snaps him back to reality and he wanders over, scrolling through his notifications from the newest to the oldest.

DabDab🤮– 1:42 PM Hey bud. Hope ur getting there. Call me

Missed Call from DabDab🤮 – 11:23 AM

Missed Call from 🅱️eon 🅱️eongguk – 10:14 AM

Yugyeom sighs—he knows he should be grateful his friends care, but he simply does not care enough for himself to constantly answer their nagging questions. He contemplates ignoring it, he could shove the device back under the pillows and answer it tomorrow like he usually does, but he’s gone three days without talking to one of them and so, guilt makes up his mind and he’s tapping away until BamBam’s voice disturbs the deadened ambiance Yugyeom’s created in your bedroom.

“Hey! You called,” BamBam’s voice fills the hair, Yugyeom can almost see the smile, and falls back onto the mattress.

“I called.”

“I know you don’t want to talk, which I understand. But I want you to do me a favor,” BamBam goes on, Yugyeom pinches the bridge of his nose, biting back a sharp retort, “I want you to use that damn well-spent studio the two of you have in your apartment and freestyle. Just an hour. I know you were coming up for a choreo to something, I don’t know, but go do that.”

Yugyeom pauses, considering the idea, but shuts it down quickly because he does not want to do anything but lie here, “I can’t. Not today.”

“Yugyeom, you’ve said that to everything. I know you’re not doing anything, and I don’t blame you. But if there’s one thing you still have and love, that’s dancing. And I’m not arguing with you over this. Please, just do this. For me.”

Yugyeom hears the crack in his best friend’s voice, he can feel the pain through the phone, another ache to add to his poor heart, “I can’t go in that room without her, Bam.”

“You’ve had dance before you had ___, Yugyeom. You shared dance with her, you grew with her from it. You can do it without her. Do it for her, she’d be proud. Okay?”

Yugyeom swallows the lump in his throat, the tears threatening to spill from his burning eyes and his bottom lip trembles, “Okay.”

“Okay. Don’t say okay again, I’m not Augustus Waters,” BamBam chuckles, sniffling on his line and Yugyeom knows he’s crying too but manages to crack a smile, “okay. Fuck! I said it again. Alright, go dance your heart out for a little and take care of yourself. Also, don’t be a stranger. Please.”

Yugyeom nods, digging his knuckle into his eye to stop the tears, he croaks out, “Okay. Thanks, man. See you.”

He hangs up a moment later to let the tears spill freely.

An hour later, Yugyeom stands in the doorway of his—your—dance room, glaring questioningly at the mirrored walls around him, his pitiful reflection staring back at him. Do it for you, he tells himself, stepping inside and clicking the door shut behind him.

Yugyeom stretches his tense muscles, avoiding looking at himself in the mirror in fear he’ll back out or conjure up a mental image of your bruised and bloodied body in the hospital, he mustn’t think about it or else it’ll only get worse. He scrolls through his downloaded songs, zoned in on something other than you for the first time in weeks, going back and forth between a few options before caving in to another Chris Brown bop he cannot get away from.

Just like before, Yugyeom tells himself after his first slip-up, swinging his leg too far to the side and so he begins again, carrying himself with utmost grace and sharp, fluid movements but he shakes his head a minute and a half in—not good enough. “One, two, three, four,” he whispers to himself, starting from the top for the seventh time, he glides and twists and pulls and—

And he blanks hardly thirty seconds in, pausing, staring into his reflection, shuddering for oxygen, long hair tousled from the quick movements, limbs screaming at the sudden usage, and he can’t wrap his mind around what follows next.

“I can’t do it,” Yugyeom says to no one in particular, balling his fists at his sides before collapsing onto the smooth laminate, he looks to the corner of the room and if he squints hard enough, he can imagine you standing there, telling him he can do it, but his tears blur his vision so he buries his head between his knees, “I can’t do it without you.”

And Yugyeom cries for the thirty-third day, for his feet don’t dance like they used to with you.

[utopianvoices]

one and only | l.minho

↭ genre: relationship au; angst, fluff

↭ word count: 2.2k

↭ a/n: big big shoutout to @chanrismatic for giving me basically the whole plot idea!

⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅∙∘☽༓☾∘∙•⋅⋅⋅•⋅⋅⊰⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅⋅•⋅

you and minho were no doubt a really busy couple

you were busy with your uni and he was busy with his idol career 

but that didn’t stop ya’ll from seeing each other as often as ya’ll could

which was really often

because you two always found time for each other 

he was your pillar of support when you were going through tough times in uni and you were his when he was going through all the stress of idol life

well it’s pretty funny how ya’ll met

because lo and behold

you were jisung’s sister

one day when you go and visit your brother at the dorm because who else are you gonna annoy other than your twin brother

this amazingly handsome and hot and pretty and cute boy opened the door you were knocking on incessantly 

“yea yea i’m coming calm yourself wo-”

he just stopped mid sentence and stared at you 

and you stared at him

and you probably would have continued staring if it wasn’t for him shouting for jisung

“JISUNG WHY IS THERE A GIRL WHO LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE YOU AT OUR DOORSTEP”

but what you didn’t hear because of how distracted you were by the loud clashing noises coming from the dorm is the “but the cuter and prettier version of you” that minho uttered underneath his breath

before you could say anything

a wild jisung catapults straight into your arms and squeezes the life out of you

“OMG IT’S THE UGLY TWIN!!! I’VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!!!”

“jisung i saw your ugly ass two days ago”

“so???? i still miss you”

yep ya’ll were a cute pair of twins

so you were just spending the day with jisung when you ask the question that’s been on your mind since the moment the door to the dorm opened

“hey poop, who’s the guy that opened the door for me? you know the one who wasn’t very good looking or anything”

clearly you were amazing at being subtle

jisung gives you the side eyes and just goes “hmMMHmm” in his head

“that’s minho hyung. he’s the dancer in our team, born in 1998 and will probably date you”

you did a double take and just put on your innocent face like nOoooooO you totally didn’t want to date him

but you end up dating him anyway 

end of flashback and back to the present

you were done with your classes pretty early that day because one of your professors called in sick

and it just so happened to be your last class

so you messaged your boyfriend asking him if he was free for lunch

and perfectly, he was out and about with the rest of the boys filming the street mv for their song “rock” 

and he was clear from schedules for the rest of the day

so replies to your message saying that they were just done with filming and that he will meet you at the starbucks with the rest of the boys

and adds a lot of fluffly and cringey emojis

which makes your heart go baduMP BADUMP

you leave your campus with a smile on your face and make your way to the starbucks

the boys were already at said starbucks fighting over who was gonna pay for the drink we all know its gonna be chan in the end

when minho feels someone tapping his shoulder

he turns around to see his childhood girl best friend

he smiles the widest smile because he hadn’t seen her for years after she moved away from seoul

and grabs her in a hug

“omG i haven’t seen you for so long!!!! it’s been years, (f/n)!”

“tell me about it!!! my my look at you minho you haven’t changed one bit” his friend teased him

while all this was going on, the boys were gaping at the both of them

before jisung let out a really exaggerated cough and gave minho a pointed look that screamed “please explain as to why you’re fucking clinging onto this girl”

but minho doesn’t catch onto it because of how excited he was to see his best friend

“guys this is my childhood best friend, f/n!!! we grew up together since our diaper days and i haven’t seen her in years!”

jisung, clearly not pleased about it, mutters a “right” and turns towards the rest of the group who were clearly tensed up

minho, forgetting about the rest of his friends, grabs his friend’s hand and leads her to a table, where they sit and catch up on all the years they had missed

and while all these eventful things had been happening, it totally slipped minho’s mind that his girlfriend was on his way to the starbucks, excited to see him after a good week of hardly any time spent together

you walk into the starbucks and spot the boys first, but finding it odd that minho wasn’t with them

but you still walk over to them and greet them with a hug

“hey guys where’s minho?”

“umMMmm well you see he-”

and before chan could explain the situation to you, you hear the voice of your boyfriend that you would recognise anywhere 

accompanied by a girl’s voice

you whip your head around just to see the girl grab minho’s hand and say the words that made your whole world come crashing down around you in a split second

“i can’t believe i’m doing this now but i’m in love with you minho. since we were kids. but i was too scared to tell you because i was convinced you were going to reject me and we would lose our friendship. but over the years my feelings just got stronger and here i am pouring everything to you”

you immediately turn around on your heels and leave before the tears start falling because you hated crying in front of people

minho looks at his friend shocked not knowing what to reply, when he hears a door slam

he turns around just to catch a glimpse of your furious silhouette leaving the starbucks

what the fuck did he just do

he was about to get up and go after you but jisung who had, together with the rest of the boys, witnessed everything stopped him with a glare

“don’t” was the only thing he mutters before running after you

minho can only stand there shocked as the sight of his love leaving the store with anger, frustration and hurt, drives daggers into his heart 

that’s when he remembers that his friend is still sitting there, watching the whole scene unfold with an open mouth

“i’m sorry f/n but i already have a girlfriend who i really love more than anything. and i don’t know what i’ll do if i lose her”

the thought of losing you was enough to cause the tears to well up in his eyes

f/n nods and shoots him a sad but understanding smile, knowing that she had no chance with him because he was clearly with someone who made him happy

“it’s alright minho. i’m just glad i got it out of my system because it’s been eating my alive, not knowing what you were thinking. i’m really sorry for causing all this trouble....” she trailed off, looking at the door uncertainly

“it’s fine, really. you couldn’t have known” minho mumbled, still unable to concentrate fully when his thoughts kept wondering back to you

“can we..... can we still be friends?” 

minho shoots her a small but genuine smile and replies with a “best friends forever”

the two friends smile at each other and she encourages him with a “go get your girl”

that’s all he needed to scramble up to his feet and make his way towards the door

the rest of the boys who had been looking at the whole scene unfold, rushed towards him once they realised he had sorted things out with his friend

they shoot her an apologetic smile and leave the starbucks in a hurry, clearly wanting to help their teammate get his girl back

you, on the other hand, were in your and minho’s shared apartment, bawling your eyes out into your pillow

the rational part of your brain was telling you that you probably shouldn’t have jumped to a conclusion and left without an explanation

but 99% of your brain was ruled by irrationality at that point

you heard your brother’s voice float through the apartment, seemingly sounding closer and closer as he walked towards where you were

you felt the bed sink as he sat at the edge, rubbing your back and whispering for you to calm down

soon you calmed down, hiccupping here and there as you crawled into your brother’s arms 

“you know he loves you a lot right? i want to tell you that maybe you should have listened to him but i don’t think that’s what you need now”

“you literally just told me dipshit”

“oops i guess it was meant to be jammed into your brain”

you smacked your annoying but loving brother and sighed

“do you think it’s too late if i go back and ask for an explanation now?”

jisung just turned and looked at you like you were dumb

which you kinda were, at that point of time

“y/n, my sweet sweet dumb sister, even if you were to hit him i’m sure he couldn’t get mad at you. have u seen the disgusting googly eyes he has whenever he sees you?”

and following this statement, jisung fake gagged, earning a light slap from you

you looked at him with determination in your eyes and got up, ready to call your boyfriend when the door to your apartment burst open, with 8 boys falling in one after another

but one stood out to you; he always did 

ya’ll just stared at each other, unsure of what to say, when the rest of the boys took the hint and left the apartment

“so ummm...” you trail off, not knowing what to say now that you were cooled down with 99% of your brain back to rationality

but before you could start overthinking, minho interrupts and just starts off ranting

“im so sorry baby i swear i didn’t know she felt that way about me and also i didn’t mean to forget about you it’s just that i hadn’t seen her in a long time and she was my best friend since i was a kid and i really feel like i’ve ruined things but like i really don’t want you to leave me and-”

this boy wasn’t stopping even for a damn breath

so you did the first thing that came to your mind

you smacked his head 

i bet yall thought i was gonna say kiss him but nAh fam 

he let out a small ‘ouch’ but it got him to shut up 

“i understand now.... i’m really sorry for leaving without listening to your explanation. and don’t be silly i’ll never hate you. you provide me with way too much entertainment” you say and shoot him a cheeky smile

he rolls his eyes and crushes you in a hug, relieved that you will still remain his 

just then he realised something

“did you just smack my head to get me to shut up”

you laugh nervously and slowly try to get away from his grip when his hands shoot to your sides and start tickling you

you scream-laugh and try to get away from him but somehow you just end up dragging him onto the floor 

he was hovering above you still tickling you when you grabbed his hands to stop him

both of ya’ll breathing heavily from laughing too hard 

and he just stares at you with this soft smile because he still can’t believe how he scored someone like you

cue the same thoughts racing through your head

and this is where he actually leans in and kisses you softly because why not

ya’ll were really the cutest couple out there

the boys slowly open the apartment door, afraid that you had killed minho or something because you were known for your scariness when you were angry

and they see ya’ll having this soft moment and they just have different reactions in general

most of them either aww-ed or gagged

but jisung, being an idiot, walked over and kicked minho off of you and shot him the best brotherly glare he could muster 

which wasn’t really a glare 

was more like a squirrel trying to look upset

which is really cute

but anyways yes

“you pull this shit one more time and i’m gonna...i’m gonna...uhm.. idK what i’ll do but you watch your back” he said as he narrows his eyes and shows minho a ‘i’m watching you’ sign with his fingers

you stare at jisung and wonder how you were related to that... thing that clearly had no more than one brain cell

minho pretended to be scared to humour jisung and raised both his hands in surrender

“yes boss”

and that’s how you and minho have a prospering relationship, with more understanding, lesser fights, and 8 other third-wheels (or eight-wheels)

∞ end ∞

[psychotic-spectrum]

I CAN'T EVEN TALK TO MY OWN FRIENDS ANYMORE

Namaste ^^ So I have a question…is it a schizo thing to not be able to talk to your friends? Like we all be chilling, everything’s fine but after some time I just kind of forget how to have a conversation. It often happens when I “embarrass” myself by messing up words or even whole sentences, that upsets me so much my heart starts beating like crazy sometimes it’s so intense my vision starts to get blurry and i feel like I’m in slow motion. In that case it’s Level 100000 uncomfortable but like I said it happens as well when we just be chilling. Even in my own place where I feel really comfortable and everyone else also. At some point I just can’t think of anything to say and it makes me anxious ( if I’m not already anxious because I “embarrassed” myself). I’m then usually trying to force a conversation, which just leads to me asking dumb questions and realizing how dumb they are the second after they left my mouth. I also have bpd so I notice the slightest change in someone’s tone or their facial expressions so basically I just sit there, asking dumb questions and watching my friends first get irritated then bored and finally annoyed. They never laugh at me or make rude comments they’re literally so sweet and kind but idk I guess it’s the borderline that makes me realize all the details that show what they’re thinking and feeling. Like they be glancing at each other for 0.1 second after I just said some dumb shit and someone without mental illness probably wouldn’t notice. I, on the other hand, am waiting for shit like this to happen every second of every day. It’s like I have a seventh sense for stuff like that (thx bpd, I see what ya did there). After a while the whole vibe just dies and everyone starts getting uncomfortable and kinda bored. That, sadly it’s even possible, gives me even more anxiety and I’m one step from going bananas (one time I had to throw up and sometimes I even fucking dissociate in front of other people)!!!! So at this point there’s absolutely nothing I can do, I’m just a bundle of stress and anxiety, like there’s no calming down or getting over it, every attempt to do that is making it worse. My friends are now full on bored and confused and kind of having they’re own conversation, they’re just still there cuz once again they’re too kind and would never leave me sitting there feeling like shit ( little do they know I’m already on my bullshit and I wouldn’t be surprised if they just left lol) sometimes this state lasts up to 3 hours and you can probably imagine how awful that is. I’m constantly thinking about stuff to talk about and when I find something I rehearse it in my head a million times and guess what? I just end up talking shit again. Ok, so I accept the fact that I’m not able to bring up a topic or something so I’m just trying to drop a few comments here and there but nope, I suck at saying “oh” or “yeah I’ve heard about that”. It’s not in my head, like I see the way they look at me when I say something and at some point they even avoid eye contact, like I know I have bpd but ITS REAL IM NOT KIDDING. My anxiety is now on level 10000000000 ( and by that I mean I can’t even control my mimic I can literally feel it I DONT wanna know what it looks like) and my friends are obviously annoyed. Yup. That, I don’t know for a fact, but I’m always feeling like they start texting each other about how they wanna leave, cuz they happen to get a text from their mom or gotta catch the last subway home at the exact same time and the goodbye is like soooo awkward I’m just such a piece of shit I swear I sometimes even fucking apologize to them for being boring or weird or annoying like who the fuck does that omfg I’m 20 years old that’s hilarious. like it wasn’t enough i manage to make it even more uncomfortable and fucked up. When they leave I often start to cry, cut or burn myself or freak out like a little child and toss shit around and kick my Inventar it’s unreal. I think about it constantly for days sometimes weeks and the anxiety is also not leaving, in fact growing day by day because of my overthinking. I really don’t know what to do anymore, it’s making me sick and worst of all, really lonely…I’ve lost lots of friends because of this shit and the few close friends I still have (besides my 2 best friends, I can totally be myself around them, no anxiety whatsoever) will eventually get tired of me and my behavior soon too. I can’t blame them honestly. I think I wouldn’t like me If i met myself. I’m just creeped out, weird, awkward and psycho to the bone. Some of them even feel sorry for me I think. They always go like “sweetie you can always hit me up with whatever, that’s what friends are for” and they be the ones making fun of me in group chats later. Sad thing is they don’t do that because they’re assholes like that (well kind of maybe) they do it because there is basically nothing else you could do but LAUGH AT ME. The point I was trying to get to is: Is that a schizo thing ? I’ve been diagnosed a few months ago and I’m also bipolar and like i said i suffer bpd. I just wanna know if anyone with schizophrenia can relate or if I’m really fucking casually sliding into another goddamn mental illness???

This is one long ass text but I needed to get this off my chest and I have no one to talk about this. Also your blog has helped me so so so much with realizing that the things I do and feel are “normal” I guess when you’re mentally ill. I’ve found many people, who struggle with the same shit i do and it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. Thank you for creating this little comfort zone where we can share our struggles, experiences and coping mechanisms. I’d be the happiest girl if you took some time to reply to me <3 Or maybe you could post it on your blog so that other people can share their opinions, Im pretty sure there are many people out there that experience similar situations. Even if you don’t share this or answer me I’m still very very thankful that your blog made me feel like it’s okay to just rant about my feelings. Who- and wherever you are I hope you’re doing okay and feel loved today and everyday!! Stay strong !!! Peace and Love, M

Hi, first of all, thanks for trusting me with your situation… look, I’m not sure if this is a schizo thing, in schizophrenia you have disorganized speech and that can cause problems in communication, but what you’re experiencing seems more like anxiety to me, or connected to bpd. I relate because for the longest time I had anxiety communicating with people, I think it’s only decreased in the last three years and I’m lot older than you, I also have bpd and I remember when I was 20 it was a torturte to communicate with people and the anxiety was through the roof, but I link that to my bpd more than my schizoaffective disorder. You’re still very young so you can work on this through therapy, therapy helped me alot to overcome this fear of not knowing what to say. A piece of advice a therapist told me is that, when I don’t know what to say, ask questions to the other person, people love talking about themselves, and you know what, it works!

I wish you the best and I hope you can find the help you need

[strawberryspeachy]

I wonder if im about to get fired again

Last year i got fired because a teacher who acted like he wanted to be my friend hated when I reciprocated that want.

Ive worked with about 55 other teachers since him and none of them

Ask about my weekend every week. Ask about my friends. Ask about my personal life. Stare at me in the office. Lean over me and touch me. Come look through my folder that im holding to just point out the paper im looking for (they just offer me a new one if they think i dont have it)

But. I was totally stalking him. And got fired.

Now im working at 2 schools

One with 4/5 horrible teachers

The other with 4/5 wonderful teachers

At the horrible teacher school one has been (and i dont say this about people often. Actually ever. I assume ppl hate me... but this woman has bee - well)

K so i made a newsletter for the schools. The good school put it out for the students and that was that. The bad school told me i could distribute it. So i asked this teacher where

She took me into the hallway and showed me a board. She told me to put the papers on those walls. And then she gave me pins. So i did.

Then she told my company i put papers up without permission

Ive worn the same clothes to all 7 schools ive worked at plus two camps. Never got a complaint. Until now. She complained about my skirt and socks

She said in a fly away statement when i started that because were teachers we cant travel because of corona and must stay home - it irriated me because i clearly understood that she was telling me that i need to stay home when im not working. Fuck that! But i just agreed with her. Her first question after my summer break was “you had a long vacation, did you go anywhere”

She asked in a happy voice - pretending that was wanted to hear about something exciting. But. Bitch i have a good memory. I told her i mostly stayed home and only went to a nearby town.

K so like. Thing is. She knows im probably lying (cause im young and not from this country. No one would stay home for a month) so the way she responded was kinda pissed off that she cant prove me wrong or report me or anything - then in the middle of class she asked about my housemates

1) i have no control over them

2) your first question was already invasive and this is stupid

3) youve asked me a question that i cant answer correctly. If i say i dont know youll say i might have corona because my housemates probably brought it home. If i say they went out - same thing. If i say they stayed home - another obvious lie. I told her that they are all students and had class so I think they were home. Again. She was annoyed by this answer

She constantly makes side remarks about “foregners”

She wont translate the questions that students ask her to ask me - and when i understand them and answer she acts flustered and annoyed

Shes bad at english and writes shit incorrectly - gives it to me to cold read - then gets mad when i trip over shit thats written incorrectly

She changed the song early last month because I liked it

She talks to me like im a clown hindering the class - walking over and telling me (a person standing quietly waiting for instruction) that now the students must study - the way a parent would tell a 7 year old not to bother the sleeping dog.

I TRIED to have a normal conversation with her because she seemed to be trying and i felt bad. She said it was hot and cold off and on and told me what temperature it would he the next day in celcius. I just said oh. And felt the tention. So i tried to ease it by chuckling and telling her “sorry. You know how america uses Fahrenheit? I dont really understand celcius.” She immediately —- wait hold on

This school makes us write down our temperature in the morning as though that does ANYTHING to stop corona - they dont even check - she harrassed me upon walking in the door to WRITE DOWN MY TEMPERATURE

—- k so no. No easy conversation. She immediately got serious and went how do you understand celcius for your body temperate then??? I told her i convert it.

A couple periods late she inturrupted another teacher talking to me about class and stopped me from going to class to ask me ‘if you dont know celcius how do you write your temperature down in the morning?!?’’ I told her i have a japanese thermometer and just write down what it says. Then she tried to play if off and chuckled like - oh ha i was just wondering. Whats the difference (her face was like enraged before that btw) she asked what the average temperature in Fahrenheit is and i quickly spit out 98.6 while grabbing my book to leave for the class i was now running late for

Shes full on feuding with a boy who “CANT SPEAK JAPANESE” and is “NOT JAPANESE” she tried not to bitch but also bitch about him to me - through this i learned that his mom is Australian. He was born in Japan. Also if her english didnt suck so much she would know that hes not fluent in english

She like the other teachers ask me questions that they dont want answers to. And sometimes is not even just - i wanna write this sentence wrong - does it make sense

No. It doesnt (correct answer- anything you write is correct. Dont worry. Dont ask me. Your perfect)

A couple weeks ago she told me that the song the other teacher chose is a japanese song that was translated into english. She asked it its gramattically correct. I told her that songs dont need to be grammatically correct so its fine. Then she asked me if it makes sense. I told her that its a bit vague but its fine.

She didnt know what vague meant. She asked me to write it down so she could look it up later. Not sure how she took that as an insult but Im sure she did.

And the song is vague. Id figured out that it was a song that was either written for a weird tv show or translated from something else before she even told me

Shes always late for class. She doesnt even leave for class until the bell rings. If she walks in and i was talking with the students - she looks highly uncomfortable - so ive stopped talking to them before she arrives

She wont let them ask me questions. Only her (these past two points go for the other crappy teachers too)

She cant make up her mind whether she wants me to say hello first or her. She cant make up her mind on what she wants me to read or whether she wants me to stop at commas or read full paragraphs or what - and she gets annoyed when i cant read her mind avout it —the others do this too

She reads sentences she wrote (incorrectly) out loud even more wrong - but apparently (going from her face) even though she doesnt know the word for fucking SENTENCES - and calls them “englishes” she heard me add the s to a word that should have been plural but she wrote as singular. She never says the fucking plurals or adds them where they shouldnt - but of course she heard my quick slip of adding an s onto a fucking word

- which really just shows thats she pays way more attention trying to find me doing something wrong than literally ANYTHING ELSE she does

Theres more. Im tired. And so very stressed. Tomorrow i have a meeting after school which i told my company rhat if they want my time they should pay me for it and told them theyre welcome to come to my schools (the one i like and normally can he stress free and get home early from) station

They made up bs as to why they can pay others but not me but did say theyre gonna come to the station

Last tome with the fucking “hanging stuff up without permission” i was of couse told i was in the wrong (BECAUSE JAPANESE CAN DO NO WRONG) and forced to say that i need to communicate better 3 times

Howd i start this? Watch me get fired? Yea i was fired on like the 23rd last year. Watch me get fucking fired again - for again. One racist ass peice of shit teacher

“Well you just gotta suck it up and accept where you are on the food chain” k look. Do you know how much easier and less stressed id be if i was able to do that?! I just. CANT ok. I refuse to think that i am less of a person than any other person. People can treat me that wat and do all they want. But i refuse to think that i am lesser. I am a person. And if i have to respect them they should respect me. Its a reciprocal fucking thing i cant fucking kiss ass

I lived in a house with a woman who wanted me to kiss her ass - and i basically chose not to be treated like a dormat and pike she was my lord. And thus got mentally and emptionally abused for 24 years.

I cant fucking kiss ass. I can be polite. But i cant kiss fucking ass dude. I just cant

[thehalfworld]

Fanfic MST: Forbiden Fruit: The Tempation of Edward Cullen, a Twilight fanfic [part 5]

I can’t fucking sleep. Have more of this nonsense.

Same warnings as before (rape references, some more consensual sexuality that stops shy of actual sex). There’s also a brief mention of self-harm at the very end of the chapter.

Recap: Tiaa went to the beach party, which was boring, but she did meet a few creatively-named goth girls who think she’s cool, so now she at least has friends. Also she and Edward almost had sex but didn’t because it was only chapter 4.

Chapter 1

Previous chapter

AN - can i have some reveiws pls

Here you go!

Chapter 5 - the talent contest

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside. 

Relatable, but why?

My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. 

At least it’s nice and empty in there. Plenty of room to stretch out.

the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star. 

Okay, fine, I’m going to comment on the cheerleader thing. Look… Bella being a cheerleader makes negative sense. Her main character flaw (according to Meyer, anyway) is being so clumsy she trips over flat surfaces. She doesn’t possess the coordination necessary for anything physically demanding. Also, she’s explicitly described as being nothing like a cheerleader in the first Twilight book, if memory serves.

It relay upset me. and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened.  

Don’t know why this is presented as a secondary concern to being picked on by cheerleaders.

Is there a reason Tiaa can’t tell anyone about what’s going on with Uncle Larry? Like, I can think of a lot of potential reasons why she might not be able to seek help here, but we aren’t given any reason, so it’s a mystery. Also, is she at risk of becoming pregnant, or contracting an STI, or is she being hurt badly enough to require medical attention? This guy is pretty violent and persistent, but her encounters with him are barely described at this point, so we don’t really know what’s been going down.

Which is probably a blessing.

Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him and pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass. 

Yeah, he’s like that.

I would probably have ended my life that week if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders - i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. 

Hold up a second. There are four cheerleaders. Counting Tiaa, there are four goth girls. So why is this portrayed as some sort of unequal battle? Both groups are the same size, and I assume Tiaa’s group has an edge because she’s a Mary Sue and the Sue always has an edge, so… why haven’t they sent the cheerleaders packing yet?

I wasn’t really picked on in high school, but I was picked on lots in middle school, and it was always about numbers. I didn’t have any good friends to back me up, so I was an easy target. If it was just one kid going after me I could hold my own just fine, but when I got ganged up on there was a problem. Having a few losers hurl insults at you when you have your own crew of losers to back you up isn’t a bullying problem because there’s no power imbalance. It’s just kids being rude to each other. It’s certainly not on par with, let alone worse than, being raped by an adult man when you’re sixteen.

I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

Oh boy. 

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted Abigail 

So I only vaguely remember the talent show, but I’m pretty sure what happens is that Tiaa does compete, and she wins, and Edward loses his mind over it or something. I seem to remember an encounter in Edward’s car after the talent show, too, but we’ll get to that when we get to that.

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have, the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!" 

"I dunno maybe" I pimpled mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

I feel like I’m watching a made-for-TV teen movie on Disney Channel, except this one has a lot of rape in it and also the love interest is a vampire. And the protagonist pimples mutely, whatever that means.

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome, they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. 

On the bright side, at least Tiaa’s competition is bad so she doesn’t have to be unrealistically amazing in order to win here. On the not-so-bright side, we all know Tiaa is going to be unrealistically amazing anyway and that Bella and her friends are being made to look bad in order to ultimately break up Edward and Bella’s relationship.

At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me. they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time i still wanted to cry and scream.

I would too if a guy I didn’t know that well stared at me the entire time he was making out with his girlfriend. Fuckin’ weird.

The principal caked up on the stage and said

Hang on. He caked up?

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

Edward put her name down for it, right? I mean, I’m guessing from context that it wasn’t one of her friends who did, even though they all encouraged her to perform. If it was Edward, though, what did he reckon she’d do? Her friends at least have heard her sing, but as far as Edward knows Tiaa’s only talent is… looking pretty, I guess.

I sang total eclipse of the heart (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0 and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL) so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic. 

Or something.

I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels. 

I mean, sure, but you just criticized the cheerleaders for dressing in revealing clothes a few paragraphs ago.

the song finished and everyone looked happy and clangled at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends

They clangled? You went to sit on your friends?

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!”

Yep, it was Ewdard. 

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically. 

Is the principal okay?

I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. 

What about the other two cheerleaders? Were they converted to Team Tiaa by all this?

My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy. 

Both of you need to calm down.

I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

For real, what happened to the other two cheerleaders?

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard!  

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech. I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight. You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church. i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" 

I know the author is trolling, but I love the idea that this is what teenage girls find hot — a dude who talks in anachronistic Ye Olde English and gets boners from watching you sing. Because that’s normal.

Actually, I did read a fic once that seemed to be intended as serious erotica, and one character switched into Ye Olde English as soon as the sexy stuff began. And by “sexy stuff” I mean torturing and murdering a Yu-Gi-Oh character. No accounting for taste, I guess.

he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt. 

He’s driving, so probably best to leave that alone.

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"

At least someone is in character.

"how mature" I said sacastically. At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face

Seems a tad hypocritical when you were considering going for the dick-grab a minute ago.

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!" I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE! Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

All of this would be a perfectly reasonable gripe except that Tiaa acts the exact same way. I’ll cut them both a little slack — Tiaa for being sexually abused, Edward for internal conflict over whether or not to leave his girlfriend — but, come on, pot calling the kettle black.

"its complecated tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"

Can’t argue with that. Mostly because “despisable” is not a word.

"its me or her "i said bluntly

"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept

And I take it polyamory is off the table, because it always is.

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"

"my mom dies when I was bored, I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

Though I’m glad that this fic at least avoids the cliché of having the Sue figure out that Edward’s a vampire way in advance, it seems odd that she’s given basically no thought to the possibility that he’s inhuman after he’s claimed to be a vampire multiple times.

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

I’d think she’d have noticed too, but she seems incapable of noticing anything’s weird about Edward. The Ye Olde English doesn’t strike her as unusual? His looks aren’t odd? What about the change-color eyes? Mind reading? Really, dude isn’t very good at keeping up the human illusion, which is probably why he and his family typically keep their distance from humans. But there I go talking about canon.

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection and deadly cold body. 

Oh yeah, and the temperature thing. I know some people run cold — I’m one of them — but we’re not talking 97 degrees instead of 98; dude is probably room temperature all the time, since he’s essentially dead. Tiaa doesn’t think that’s weird and inhuman?

i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.

Like a reel goff.

Next chapter

[mashavee]

so everything has been going fine except for the fact that the last 3months were shitty as fuck in a sense that I got a rude awakening about how SHITTY people can be.i can be shitty sometimes too but goddamn people are just ruthless. 

met a dude that I really liked like 3 weeks before graduation, everything great blah blah, we go to the beach together, he gets arrested for coke, I find out he has a girlfriend, he’s an ex (possibly current) heroin addict, BIGGEST NARCISSIST, and pathological liar. yay!

all of the above would usually result in me hitting the block button and never speaking to that lying vain motherfucker again, however my idiotic sprung self decided to pay his BAILLLLL AND FOR THE TOWING OF THE CAR!!! DUMBASS!!!

ugh so that was like 2.5 months ago and he still owes me $145.we are so close considering the total amount was over a grand.

So then, I moved to Richmond on a whim (honestly there was probably still a part of me that wanted to get back with my ex boyfriend but I justified it by “wanting a new start”) and that was fucking hell. 2 of my roommates were incompetent bums that didn't pay bills so I ended up paying $180 for them out of fucking pocket. then the guy who I rented the room from scammed me on a thousand dollars as well.

So although its not like shitty in a sense like I'm fine and not sad, but I feel like I wasted a lot of money on people, whether it was my fault or theirs. Need to acquire skills on saving/ or just learning how to budget. I know Im not even earning a lot of money right now but even with my shitty paychecks - I spend 60% (if not more) the first weekend after pay day. Basically I blow $300 in 3 days without actually buying anything. fuck life is expensive. so annoying

Also had very poor judgement past 2 months after drugaddictedmoneyowingasshole . But whatever I am pretty much back to loving my precious innocent self almost as much as I did before I made those mistakes lol

so my goal now is to really think about what I want to do and figure out a life plan cause this is it like I'm ready to be on my own. or I am ready to start to learn how to be on your own. what if down the road there is nobody to help me and nobody to rely on like I need to be comfortable knowing I got me. 

MUST NOT waste time on assholes, weirdos, cheaters, liars, drug addicts, etc.

MUST NOT feel like I owe anyone anything.

MUST NOT say yes when I want to say no.