#im sorry i keep venting

[firefly-sky]

i’m sorry i keep venting but i swear this is my lowest. and i don’t really have any other way to filter it out because it’s like it’s consuming me and i can’t get it out of my head and i don’t wanna relapse again so. tw for self harm, sa mentions and suicide (i’m not gonna do anything but things will be mentioned.

today has been absolute hell. i don’t know why but the ask from this morning has me all jumpy or whatever. i just feel sick. i dunno. i guess i deserve it. i deserve to feel this way. i deserve what happened to me because i hurt people. i don’t like to say i was assaulted because i was young when it happened (8-12y/o or so) and it just kinda feels like i don’t have a right to say that because it wasn’t that much. like my grandpa used to slap me on the ass. he touched my chest area once or twice but that was it. but he did that to a lot of people. and i dunno. i feel like i can’t call it assault because it wasn’t. he didn’t know what he was doing because he had alzheimer’s and was demented. i dunno. i wish he was nicer. he used to scream at me and my brothers a lot. he made us cry and hide a lot too. he wasn’t very nice. but he’s still family and i have to love him. and i thought i was over it but the stupid ask from this morning just had me like…i dunno. feeling weird.

i suppose i deserved it. if i told my family they would tell me im being a dramatic attention seeker. so i guess that’s what im being. but i dunno. i hate complaining about this stuff because it doesn’t do anything. but still. and the shit about my brother doesn’t bother me as much. he was probably joking around or whatever when he was touching my clothes. it’s blurry now. but it’s whatever. i deserve this all. i deserve it. and i keep telling myself that.

i relapsed last night. for the first time in about nine months. i had one of the worst mental breakdowns of my life. i was just stuck on the bathroom floor crying while i relapsed. it wasn’t that bad. i shouldn’t count it as s/h. it never broke skin. or well; that much at least. i don’t even know hat happened, i was just thinking for too long and i ended up spiraling. i thought about ending it last night while taking my meds because i was thinking about how easy it would’ve been. i deserve it. but i was thinking like…i dunno. running from this won’t do anything. so i guess i have to face it myself.

every time i hear my mom tell me im a loyal friend, or that im kind, or whatever, all i can think about is how many people i’ve hurt. and it’s just become my life now. i hardly sleep. i either don’t eat or i eat til i feel like throwing up. i feel like there’s no escape and i did this all to myself. i wish i could turn back time. i do. but i cant. i wish that i could tell my past self what a fucking idiot she was. i don’t want to keep fighting this. i wanna be happy. but i feel like i can’t do anything.

everyone says im just doing ‘good’. good in school, in clubs, in whatever. but good isn’t great. and i need to be great. i need to be exceptional. i need to be exemplary. i need to be the best. that’s always where my mind is at. and if i’m not the best, i’m nothing. and i am nothing. i will always be nothing. because i can’t get off my lazy ass to do anything productive so i either drown myself in work or i do nothing but waste time holed up in my room because there’s something wrong with me and i can’t turn it off.

i’m scared. but i deserve to be scared. i deserve all of this and all of what’s to come. i don’t even think it’s because of friend issues either anymore. i just finally woke up and realized how meaningless everything i do is. because i’m not a good friend. i’m not a good sister. i’m not a good partner. i’m not anything. i’m not the best and when i’m not the best, i’m nothing.

[charrfie]

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

the artblock be hitteth Harder than normal, for tis not normal artblock. woe. Wally be upon ye

[amygdalae]

i keep thinking im doing really well w food because I get a good balance of carbs proteins fats vitamins etc. w each meal and I love fruits and veggies and eat healthy for the most part but then my mom hits me w the "youve gotten skinny again"

[pixlokita]

Family: you should really stop taking medication prescribed for your mental health/sleep it’s not good for you.

Me: -stops it because i can’t afford it anymore and it’s affecting me so much I get physically sick-

Family: you really shouldn’t have stopped those :\ what are you thinking ?

[fuckingstupidbracket]

like a regular bin, not even recycled or anything

[wraenata]

I think I'm going to take a little break from tumblr (more than I already am). Sally is not doing great. Everything is really exhausting and I just don't have the energy to scroll and reblog stuff. I'll probably pop in and reblog some stuff if I can but, don't expect much. I'm sorry. I hope you're all doing well!

[yorkiepooh]

I dunno how serious yall are being about "Ahhh labru is taking over farcille" cause farcille still has like, double the amount of labru fics and with the bath scene coming up??? Oh man, the farcille stocks are gonna go up, I feel like if there should be an attack on a ship thats "threatening" farcille, its marc//elle x lai/os. On the fanfic side, not to much, on the popularity side? Most of the farcille and labru stuff are Manga based and I think if you take an average anime watcher and show them only the anime, the most obvious ship right now is those two

The first pic beats any farcille art I've seen and the bottom is the higher end of what farcille art usually is, but it makes sense because of anime fans? I block lai//cille personally because I think Marcille is a huge lesbian, but it's alot more popular then I thought, I just wonder how big it's gonna be when the succubus gets animated

[scary-friend]

Current Mood

it’s literally midnight but here I go

[throwaway-yandere]

Hello! I'm so sorry for this— I really didn't want to ruin the festivities— but I need to open yandere fic emergency commissions; my target is 15 USD. My school uniform has been torn to shreds in the machine and I can't exactly budget this week's allowance since my university is rather strict based on the manual. I'd do my best to write a minimum of 3k words + a drawn GIF header similar to these

[I honestly don't know wtf I'll eat this week at this rate kinda panicking rn cuz my scholarship stipend still hasn't arrived for months hahahahahha. To put it in perspective, the uniform I need costs 8 USD why are they so damn expensive when the fabric has the lousiest threads in the planet, and I have F2F classes for 3 days straight starting this Monday to Wednesday, then again at Friday to Saturday and I usually budget my meals to be 1 USD. I'm SEAsian, I'm just converting the amount to USD but I eat those 1 cup of rice + hotdog every lunch but of course the university canteen closes at night and it's a bit more expensive outside hAHAHHA 😭😭😭]

I write for: genshin impact, honkai: star rail, fire emblem: three houses. Can be x reader or OC character [please provide information for the latter]. Here are some samples of my writings...

If the Pedestal Is Beautiful... (Zhongli)

Apotheosis Upon Your First Feast (Scara & Pantalone)

Classical Conditioning (Dottore)

I Got Reincarnated As A Server NPC (Diluc)

The things I don't write are: full NSFW smut scenes & adult/minor pairings

I'll put the commissioned fic a priority above all my other works. Please message me if you're interested. Thank you so much for taking the time to reading this, have a blessed February!!!

Edit: THE SLOT HAS BEEN FILLED OMG IM SO RELIEVED 😭😭😭😭 THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME OUT I CAN NOW WORK FOR MY ALLOWANCE THIS FEB 😭😭😭😭

[venelona-turtle-den]

A bit of a side thing, but, yeah. Me tired. Feel free to disregard this post, I'm just letting some feelings out so my brain stops torturing me.

Honestly, tired is not quite the right word. Its more like I've been too caught up in work and my brain denies me relaxation? Like... ever since I got an idea for the Ghost Future Leo, I've been working on him every day. And by the nature of how I do things, I don't start a new drawing until I finish the last, so, he was all I've worked on. And it comes with the anxiety that 'I haven't posted anything in so long, that's bad, you're not productive'.

And then I finished Ghost Leo to the point where I could post him, and, it, uh... Got complicated? Because, no doubt, it's a BIG project, I worked A TON on him, but it wasn't really, like... a comic. Or a drawing. So I took a break, I promise I did, but then I wanted to get back to posting proper art and all.

Exceeeept I also wanted to keep working on Ghost Leo. Partly because I like working on him, truly, but also... I feel like I owe it to people? Like... I live with the fear that there's not enough to him, that people will get bored in like three days and that will be that, and I owe folks who enjoy spending time with him to expand the features. I want to respond to people posting and talking about him because that's everything I've wanted, to see people's reactions, and I feel like I can't leave anyone hanging, because that was what I asked for in the first place... All those posts and nice asks bring me so much joy, and I want people to know it.

As well as all the asks from people who need help - as a creator, I owe it to them to help them through everything, to fix mistakes and bugs, to answer questions...

And because of that, I feel bad when I try to take a break for more than a day - I have things to answer, and I don't want to answer them inadequately, because I want people to know that I care about every ask.

So, in short... despite me doing art I still feel like I'm not doing enough, despite the recent updates my brain still tells me I need to do more, and I'm afraid of starting on something like a comic because it feels I have too much of other stuff to do and I can't let myself focus my attention on something else for a week or two...

I know its all baloney, and that I deserve to rest, that I can freaking sit down and play Star Rail for three days and people won't hate me for it, but... that's not what my brain thinks and signals to my body. Silly me.

Thank you for reading this to those who did, I wrote this thing to just say... I hope my brain is actively lying to me, and people won't riot if I take a bit of time getting to answer the asks or posting more art. I promise I read everything, I just need to get back into a groove of things, especially since May and June are months that get busy with the school work on top of everything. I hope that's understandable 💖

[angelpuns]

I have spent all afternoon/night trying not to rot and I don't even know how to explain what that means but oh my god I'm so- urrgehfhrh I'm like- everything just feels so bad

[important-question-anon]

Me getting impulsive thoughts to delete my account but I have 14 people that I don't want to scam out of a design so I must push through

[kingprinceleo]

Maybe doing another or a new hobby can help ! Maybe baking could help, even if u are not really good at it from the get go, is a fun thing to try out

i really should try to get into other hobbies but its very hard!! i have really bad perfectionism habits and immediately drop things im not instantly good at jfdgn and the Horrors make it hard for me to squeeze dopamine out of anything </3 tbh if anyone has suggestions for like, cheap things to do im listening fdbhjghjb

[shadyhouse]

i keep getting rejected from job applications and i have no idea what im doing wrong. i wish they would just tell you WHY you're getting rejected and ways to improve. its a guessing game that ends up making me feel even more worthless than i felt before

[alltheoutsinfreeeee]

is there any magical girl anime still out there that doesn't have any fanservice? Shows like Precure, Cardcaptor Sakura or Madoka?

And if there isn't, are there at least any shows where the fanservice isn't with elementary school girls?