#im still allowed to cry when someone im in love with avoids me

[steampoweredskeleton]

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Ignore

[maple-the-awesome]

The Chain Meets You, His Partner || 1/3

Part 2 || Part 3

Pairing: Warrior, Twilight, Legend x GN! Reader

Requested by @temporarilyablog: i see requests are open still so im coming to you with a thought i had recently: how about a Link from the Chain interacting with the reader, another Link's s/o from their original adventures, when *their* Link isn't around. i can see some teasing another Link with the reader that they've only known through little stories here and here, or others grilling the reader relentlessly because another Link was so shy about their relationship and partner, and wants to know how that Link is like around someone he allows himself to relax. its kinda like when the Chain met Malon for the first time and interacted with her for stories about old man Time and as always stay awesome, i love your writing!

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Concerningly delighted or eerily eager - the Chain can't quite agree on which descriptor best described their teammate the best once he realized they had all landed in his Hyrule. Bubbling with excitement ever since while maintaining a pace some of the other boys have to jog after, Link doesn’t waste breath saying where he’s leading them, although that giddy smile upon his face - as much as he tries to hide it - is plenty for the wiser heroes to get the hint...

Taking numerous shortcuts that avoid public attention, Warrior skillfully navigates the familiar streets of Castle Town with his only pause being at the doorstep of his apparent destination. There, he takes a quick second to smooth his hair and perfect his uniform before knocking a fist against the chestnut wood.

The curious murmurs of the boys huddled behind him adds ambience to his impatient wait where his thoughts temporarily worry that perhaps you aren't awake yet, after all the sun is only just rising above the waking town, however true to your many letters which have complaint of insomnia during his absence, the door soon opens not more than a minute later to reveal your tired figure.

Even with a mess of bedhead and a robe tied lazily around yourself, you look beautiful and sacred in Warrior's eyes - an observation he isn't alone in making. Some mainly Legend had doubted that you were even real or at the very least matching to the Captain’s honey-soaked descriptions, although none can deny how well you truly hold up to that image.

You awake in a snap and leap into your lover's arms with a cry of joy; a feeling that is contagious throughout the group who watches on in silent amusement. Suddenly their friend's excitement makes plenty of sense, especially knowing how much he's missed you throughout their journey. Seriously, he's never shut up about it!

You can't rid of the smile on your face when Warrior finally takes his attention off of you long enough to introduce the others, all of whom you’ve already learned about from his letters. Without hesitation, you invite the group of worn travelers into your home while waving off any concern raised about possibly intruding at such an ungodly hour.

"Nonsense. You’re all welcome here any time. I know from personal experience how much rest can mean during a long and perilous journey.”

"My love is a captain, as well~" Warrior brags proudly, his arm wrapped snugly around your waist as you both stand aside to let the others file through into the warmth of your home.

"We know. You've only mentioned it a dozen times," Four rolls his eyes teasingly while passing by.

"So I take it you all already know about me then. Hopefully all good things?" You eye Warrior with mocked suspicion, yet he’s hardly fazed, dodging any blame by pressing a quick kiss to your cheek.

"Of course. The trick is getting him to shut up about you," Twilight says, earning a laugh. You couldn’t deny it if you tried - that sure does sound like your Link, and seeing as he does nothing to argue against the claim, instead pressing another longer kiss to your cheek, he recognizes he’s a guilty man.

The group is simply happy for the chance to finally rest their feet somewhere homely, although none complain to your offer of throwing together breakfast, even if it’s just a small one made up of some toast, eggs, and a first-come-first-serve fruit bowl. While you gather this makeshift meal, Warrior remains practically glued to your side, sneaking kisses and lingering touches whenever he can manage before you shoo him away playfully.

The heroes have all experienced their fair share of interesting and distinctive adventures, however rather than saying much about themselves, they favor asking about you, wanting to confirm if everything Warrior has said is true, after all he’s built you up to be a talented soldier who’s sword should be feared by even the fiercest of monsters. It’s not to say they doubt it based on your build and stern undertone, but it would still be nice to hear from you personally.

You admit to your reputation, however are too modest to exactly rave about your military achievements or detail your victories during war. That role is left to your boyfriend who’s unafraid to brag for your sake while tying in as many compliments as possible, both professional and of the romantical sort. As for the boys, they only interrupt with brief questions or comments, mostly related to your relationship as curiosity and thirst for mischief get the better of some of them.

“Sounds like he was smitten at first sight,” Sky smirks after hearing the story of your initial meeting, not that he could ever judge. If anything, seeing you both together warms his heart with the memory of his own lover.

“Was the feeling mutual?” Someone else asks teasingly.

For once, Warrior remains silent, glancing at you subtly in an attempt to hide his own interest towards the answer. While you certainly struck him dumb with one look, your own expression had always held a bit of resentment during those early days, your attitude strict and standards held impossibly high - higher than they were for any other subordinate.

Link never blamed you, though. If anything, it made perfect sense for you to not be his biggest fan. All of your hard work had been largely overshadowed by the discovery of Hyrule’s new hero, his simple existence being to blame for the war you then had to fight tirelessly through. You weren’t willing to give him a pass just because of his shiny title and pretty face, instead holding him to expectations you’d set for anyone destined to defeat Ganondorf. He had to earn your trust and love overtime, at least what he always assumed.

Yet to Warrior’s surprise, you become slightly bashful as you stubbornly redirect your gaze and answer, “...I admit I found him attractive - both in appearance and personality…A little too cocky, though, and not the best listener there in the start. He had to be trained out of that habit.”

Startled by this revelation, Warrior mocks offense, “You barely gave me the time of day!” 

“I was putting your ego in check,” You reply easily.

“So you were playing hard to get that whole time?”

“Oh please, you were enjoying it,” You smirk, leaning in for the challenge with your noses centimeters apart. 

For a second, it’s as if you’ve forgotten about your guests, too busy staring into each other’s eyes affectionately, that is until Legend scoffs while biting into an apple, "If our captain here was smart, he'd hurry up and put a ring on it before you finally come to your senses."

Warrior’s eyes widen into a look of horror after the Veteran's comment, yet you take it in stride, laughing as you pat your boyfriend’s chest, “There’s really no need to rush, after all, life has only recently started calming down following Ganon, and the hope is that neither of us will be going anywhere anytime soon…assuming that you boys help keep this one out of trouble during your adventure.”

“Aye, aye, Captain!” The group cheers with a chorus of amused laughter resulting from Warrior’s flustered face; a rare sight they plan to memorize.

Your smile remains even as you lift yourself to sit on the counter where you can nibble on your piece of toast, Warrior following in suit with a huff while he shamelessly pouts like a child at your side. Alas, you merely find it endearing, kissing his cheek which seems to be addicting enough to have him chasing after your lips, pecking them as he takes your free hand in his and whispers in your ear for no one else to hear, “I’ll have you know I already have a ring.”

“And I’ll have you know I’ve already found it,” You smirk, placing a finger against his lips, “Keep trying and maybe one day you’ll be able to get one step ahead of me, my dear captain.”

He huffs again before stealing a quick bite of your toast.

The boys chase Twilight blindly through what appears to be a forest no different than the many others they’ve already traveled through during their adventure, however it’s when crossing a long wooden bridge over a canyon that they begin to connect the dots as to where they really are; a point soon proven correct once reaching a small treehouse standing by its lonesome amongst a meadow.

Even Epona seems eager to arrive here, confirming this is somewhere familiar to the two. She’s pleased to busy herself by grazing outside while her rider has other plans, leading his comrades up a steep ladder and into his cozy home. He invites them to make themselves comfortable, although he’s still clearly distracted by another thought himself. 

His eyes search the house excitedly, disappointment echoing on his face when he doesn’t seem to find what he’s looking for. He looks no different than a kicked puppy, his smile drooping into a frown that he doesn’t explain. There’s no need to. As quickly as his joy had soured, it returns in a blink when the front door once again opens from behind the group.

You’re understandably startled to look up and find eight heavily armed men crowded around in your house, however your surprise doesn’t stand long. Swiftly, you’re scooped up into someone’s arms then spun with ease. It only takes you seconds to realize it’s your lover doing, having already assumed he’d be somewhere within this party of travelers seeing as his loyal mare had been there to greet you just outside.

To say you’re both delighted to see each other again would be an understatement. You’ve been impatient awaiting the day Link returns, only having so many ways to distract yourself from his absence in this small village. With that said, you have no objections to the deep kiss he steals, instead savoring it as your arms steady themselves around his neck while he still holds you off the ground against his chest. It’s a display that has some of the boys gagging in mocked disgust, although most merely smile, finding joy through that of their brother’s. After all, if he can be this happy, maybe there’s hope for all of them.

Twilight has, of course, frequently mentioned you before to the heroes, but had never gone into too much detail nor had he exactly specified the extent of your relationship. Nevertheless, the boys already assumed you to be a lover, after all, you would have to be someone special to always occupy a rent-free space in their dear rancher’s head.

Only Time, Wild, and Four knew the exact specifics because one, they had actually gone out of their way to respectfully ask, and two, Twilight trusted them enough not to relentlessly tease. Seeing how long it took Warrior to drop the dog jokes after finding out his ‘wolfie secret’, Twilight could only imagine the jester that damned captain would become if possessing any other information about his intimate life…A fear proven rational now that the cat’s officially out of the bag.

Fortunately or unfortunately - Your boyfriend has yet to decide - you seemed to instantly forget that the eight travelers are total strangers to you and insisted they all stay the night; a kind hearted offer born from good intentions, but also the perfect opportunity for the boys to plan their rancher’s downfall by mercilessly interrogating you about your relationship.

“When did you guys meet and where?”

“Did he make the first move or did you?”

“How’d he ask you out?”

“Do you ever get tired of the dog smell?”

Twilight rolls his eyes, finding himself slowly regretting this whole show-and-tell of his lover. He should’ve just slipped away from the group and snuck home to visit you. They would’ve been none the wiser seeing as he often strays as Wolfie anyway. Surely had he told Four or Wild, they would’ve covered for him. Now he’s stuck listening to this meet-and-greet with the one person who knows all the good dirt there is to be found on him. It doesn’t help that you answer every question as if it’s your sworn duty assigned by Hylia herself.

“We met in Castle Town - back when he first set out to become a hero. Poor guy was completely lost, so I took pity upon him by pointing him in the right direction.”

“He made the first move, although I’d like to think I gave him a good push.”

“Oh, that’s one of my favorite memories! He set up this beautiful little picnic at Lake Hylia. It was very romantic.”

“...Sometimes, yeah.”

“Do you have any embarrassing stories to tell about him?” Wild asks with a devilish grin, taking joy in the betrayal that cuts across Twilight’s face.

“The better question would be where to start -”

“- Alright, alright. You’ve all had your fun. Don’t overwhelm them now,” Twilight cuts into the conversation at last, moving behind you with his hands set upon your shoulder. You wouldn’t be able to see it from where you sit, but he’s sending a warning glare to the other heroes who are hardly intimated.

“Oh come on! We’re just making up for lost time since you refuse to tell us anything about this lovely beauty,” Warrior punctuates his sentence by winking your way, making it clear he knows exactly how to push his friend’s buttons.

Twilight almost growls, seconds away from kicking everyone out under the stars for the night, however with your soft hand set upon his own, you smile up at him sweetly, “They’re okay, Link. I don’t mind the questions.”

‘I do,’ he wants to object, but he’s weak against your pleading eyes. With no other choice, he’s forced to sigh and take the seat next to you. The price of this compromise is your hand which he refuses to let go of, instead keeping it rested against his lap as the group eagerly continues teasing him questioning you.

“Have you always lived together?” Sky asks, perhaps the only one here who is truly innocent with his curiosity.

“Not until recently. It took some convincing for my family.”

“What, the goats and farm smells didn’t appeal to them?” Legend snickers playfully.

“Not exactly…” You grimace.

“They’re a well known noble family from Castle Town,” For once, Twilight answers a question himself, squeezing your hand with a smile that’s really closer to a smirk, “‘don’t think they cared much for their eldest running away with some plain o’ ranch hand.”

You return the action just as smugly, “But you won them over in the end.”

“Or they were just happy to get rid of ya’.”

“Why not a little of both?” You shrug before pecking his nose which leaves him grinning like a lovesick puppy. Legend sticks his tongue out and Warrior tells you both to get a room, prompting Twilight to promptly remind him whose house they’re currently in.

The rest of the Chain laughs heartily, save for Time who has been the only hero apparently mature enough not to actively take part in poking a wolf. He has simply been listening in respectful silence with his arms crossed over his chest and a small smile of amusement upon his face. Honestly, his presence could’ve been completely forgotten if not for him finally choosing to speak up as soon as the laughter dies down, “And does he behave himself around you?”

Twilight nearly chokes on his saliva and even you blush at this question, but you don't hesitate to offer an endearing nod, “Oh, of course. Link’s a perfect gentleman. I couldn’t possibly ask for anyone better.”

This seems to satisfy Time who returns your nod proudly, his smirk evident when Twilight dares take a peek at him, although the younger man struggles to fully face anyone beyond that; he’s too busy rubbing away the embarrassment from his face. 

Taking this as a sign that he’s officially reached his limit, you dismiss any further questions while placing a comforting hand on your boyfriend’s shoulder, yet your sympathy is a poor mask placed over the clear mirth even you take in his flustered state.

Legend never bothers announcing himself upon arriving home, although that’s something you’ve come to expect from your adventurous and often absent roommate. Seeing as you don’t get many visitors, it’s safe to assume it’s either him or Ravio whenever the front door creaks open, but nevertheless, you poke your head around the corner just to be certain. Yep, it’s Link…along with a group of strange boys?

“Funny. I didn’t think you had any friends,” Is your greeting as you lean against the doorway.

“You’re one to talk,” Legend scoffs back while simply brushing past you towards his chest room, “I’m just here to grab a few things and then we’ll be on our way.”

“Ah,” You nod, already accustomed to this pattern. As common as it is for his homecomings to lack any fanfare, it’s also fairly usual for his presence here to be short-lived so long as he has his sights set on adventure. Occasionally, he’ll take the time to fill you in on what he’s exactly doing, especially if planning on staying for a meal or nap, but other times, he’s in and out that door without a word.

You don’t mind, after all it’s exactly what you knew you’d be getting yourself into when you first agreed to move in, however it seems this group of travelers Legend’s brought along with him aren’t so used to his solitary ways. They all huddle awkwardly around the door, their eyes darting across the room and at times landing on you in clear curiosity that goes unspoken for now. You take it they’re unsure as to what they should be doing while waiting for Legend.

“Make yourselves comfortable. I’m sure he’ll only be a minute or two,” Your invitation is gladly accepted by the boys who quickly fill into the room instead of remaining in their crowded bundle. A few sit on whatever stools there are available at the table, but most remain standing. 

Faced with either awkward silence or a basic conversation, you decide to introduce yourself, telling them all your name with a friendly smile, “‘not sure if Link mentioned me or not, but I live here with him. I promise I’m not just some homeless person who broke in while he was away.”

“We didn’t think you were,” One chuckles stiffly, likely taking your comment as an odd ‘joke’. If only they knew about Ravio…

“Sooo, are you Lege - Link’s…Um -”

“- Roommate? Yeah. ‘have been for the last year.”

A brunette boy raises an eyebrow, even going as far as to squint his eyes at you as if you’ll suddenly confess to being a robber or something, “Are you only ‘roommates’ or…?”

"Well, what else would we be?" You ask, cocking your head to the side innocently. The boys all stare at you in disbelief.

“It’s just - The Vet talks about you all the time. Like, all the time!”

“Does he?” Now that’s a nice thought: Legend going out of his way to tell his traveling companions about you, speaking your name as if you’re someone important to him who always occupies a section of his mind…Oh, but you doubt it’s anything like that. He’s likely only mentioned you once and they’re exaggerating.

“I don’t know if he does ‘all the time’,” The shortest of the room argues almost as if reading your mind before adding more seriously, “But he has mentioned you. Pretty fondly, I’d say.”

“With the lovey-dovey eyes and everything,” The knight of the group nudges one of his friends teasingly and they both share a laugh.

You find it contagious, “If that were true, I’d suggest you check to make sure he hasn’t gotten a concussion. ‘Lovey-dovey’? Now that doesn’t sound like my Link.”

“What doesn’t sound like me?”

A few of the boys go pale while others smirk almost as if they take pleasure in having been caught. You never even heard Legend approach, although one look to your side and you see him already standing there with crossed arms, his eyes narrowed towards his friends.

You open your mouth, prepared to brush aside his worries and assure him they haven’t been saying anything bad about him behind his back, but then the youngest boy suddenly blurts: “Have you guys ever kissed before?!”

His question earns him a sharp elbow to the side and an even quicker scolding in a whispered tone, however the damage has already been done, particularly to your face which feels rather warm now. So that’s why they all seemed so confused by the whole ‘roommate’ thing. Apparently they doubt that’s the full story…

"No! I-I mean, not really...- It's not like we're a couple or anything if that’s what you’re thinking. We're just friends who decided to live together for convenience sake, that's all!" You explain in a rush.

“I needed someone to watch my house and stuff while I was away!” Legend adds, his face as red as his own tunic. Whether that’s from embarrassment or anger, you can’t tell, although the later might be the best guess given his puffed up cheeks. 

“Exactly! And I needed a place to stay.”

“Precisely! It was a ‘kill-two-birds-with-one-stone’ type of situation.”

“Simple as that!”

The group of travelers sit in silence, their eyes switching between Legend and you. Despite the diversity amongst them, they all manage the same deadpan expression; not a single one of them believes you, but then again, you’re not here for their approval. Hell, they’re in your house - Well, Legend’s house - NOT THAT IT MATTERS! You don’t owe these people an explanation for why you happen to live with a guy you may or may not find attractive! They’re not going to get one either!

Clapping your hands together, you do your best to change the subject, “So, no one’s told me how you guys have met yet. Let’s talk about that.”

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Legend said they’d only be staying long enough to change his items, however that was a couple hours ago. You had lots of questions about finding out every stranger in your house was actually another version of him, all brought together across different timelines and kingdoms. A whole recap and dinner later, it had gotten late with many of the boys looking visibly tired from weeks on the road.

“What’s with the face?”

You want to call Link - your Link - a hypocrite because he’s had the same stupid pout on his face ever since he lost the vote on where they’d be staying for the night. You insisted that it be here, seeing no sensible reason for them to go camp elsewhere in the cold when they could have a warm roof over their heads. He did everything he could to argue, yet nine outweigh one.

“I’m just thinking about what your friends said earlier,” You sigh, rolling onto your back where you can stare at the ceiling instead of into his eyes as he lays next you. With the living room overflowing with guests, you’ve been forced to share a bed for the night not that you haven’t occasionally done it before, “I can’t believe they thought we’re dating. We’re friends who live together. That’s not illegal, is it?”

“Hmm.”

“And before they were saying you talk about me all the time like that means you’re in love with me or something. Like, I’m a fact of your life, sure, but I’m not your life itself, you know? It would be weirder for you to completely avoid mentioning me to other people.”

“...Yeah…”

“A-And maybe - just maybe - we’ve kissed before, but no further than a peck to the cheek or forehead…Only once have our lips actually touched…” You roll back onto your side to face him, biting your lip as you whisper, “...Maybe we should start putting more distance between ourselves to avoid any more misunderstandings like this…I’m sure if those boys already think we’re dating, the whole village must think it’s true.”

“...Or we could just do the opposite…” 

“What do you mean?”

Legend curls his face further against the pillow and his folded hands, doing everything he can to avoid your eyes as he mumbles barely audible words, “Clearly everyone is going to assume we’re in a relationship anyway, so we might as well avoid the hassle of having to explaining they’re wrong each time by just making it official…”

You blink, his hinted suggestion taking a few seconds to set in, although once it does you can’t help smirking. Leaning forward, you kiss his nose, causing his cheeks to flare as he stubbornly jerks away, “How convenient! I was recently thinking about looking for a boyfriend, but so long as you’re offering, you’ve saved me the trouble of finding someone as good as you!”

Legend grumbles, however that doesn’t stop him from inching closer to you and kissing your forehead, “...Just don’t say anything to them tomorrow or else I’ll never hear the end of it.”

[uranometrias]

don't forget to kiss me, jennifer jareau x fem! reader

★☆

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summary: in which jj has been into you for as long as she can remember. from your first day on the team she'd found herself utterly enraptured. she had partially assumed her adoration for you was merely a result of your personality, and the fact you were closest in age. seven years later, and she finds that her feelings towards you are a bit more complicated than she thought. which is why you being angry with her is even more gut-wrenching. pairing: jennifer jareau! x bau! female reader category: angst, unresolved content warnings: violence (reader smacks jj) love confessions. jj is kind of... self-destructively in love with you... you're disastrously oblivious + could potentially be unaware of your own feelings for jj. this is my first time writing for her, so fingers crossed her characterization lines up w/ canon. if not ? sue me :( author's note. this is my first time writing for jj, im so nervous about it. this can be read as an alternate universe for “you’re still a traitor” it picks up about a month or so after the court proceedings and reader has been ignoring jj , so she shows up at her house! idk why when writing for criminal minds, i always write jj with underlying feelings for reader… maybe because i actually like her a lot more than i initially thought (I’ve been a jj hater for years so this is a little jarring ) kinda spurred on by glue song xx unhappy ending, but room for a part 2

You hadn't been expecting any company, so when you heard a faint knock at the front door of your apartment, you were a bit confused. You were wearing a tank and boy-shorts, the weather in Quantico picking up to unbearable temperatures. It was impossible to focus with too many layers, and you supposed your choice in loungewear was a major sign that you were off duty. After the week you'd had, you'd become a bit of a recluse. Maybe "a bit" was underselling it.

You had wanted to be excited, happy, relieved even, that Emily was back. The team could be whole again, but your anxiety hadn't allowed you to. Instead, you'd found yourself feeling betrayed, angry, hurt. You lashed out at everyone, you didn't want to be bothered. You got to work earlier so that you could be the first to leave when evening came. When you were out on a case, you stayed glued to Rossi, Derek or Spencer. You couldn't meet the eye of the others.

Hotch, who had one point been your favorite person on the team, was now someone you avoided. There was some saying out there about 'never meeting your heroes', you felt that with this life changing reunion this quote had managed to sum up your life. You'd held him to such high regard, and had never expected him to lie to you. But he had, he'd done it without pause. And somehow he'd felt like the only person he needed to share this with was JJ.

That stung a little bit more. JJ was supposed to be your best friend. Even while she'd been gone, away working at the Pentagon, she'd been your rock. You couldn't count on your fingers and toes the amount of nights you'd spent crying your eyes out over the perceived loss while JJ combed her fingers through your hair and promised that 'everything would be alright.' In the grand scheme of things you assumed this eventual end was what she'd meant by that.

She had expected you to be okay. They had expected things to be normal, but they couldn't. After you'd been called into court to talk about the way things went down you'd become more of a ghost around the office. You had transfer papers hidden at your desk, and a ticking clock in the back of your mind. Maybe you were going overboard, being childish and stubborn, but you couldn't find it in you to care. How could you be on a team with people who lied.

After everything you'd seen, everything you'd been through together, they'd still chosen to lie. They'd kept you in the dark, because they thought they knew what was best for you. How were they any different from the higher ups that were constantly making decisions that put the entire team at risk? They weren't, and that's what sucked. You remembered when you'd confronted them with your feelings, they'd tried to pacify you with reminders of Emily's safety.

Somehow the fact that in their heads your grief was of little concern in comparison to Emily hurt the worst. You couldn't seem to understand the secrecy... especially since in the end, Emily wouldn't have managed to take down Doyle for good without you all. It felt like a waste of time, and when you'd placed your paperwork for a leave of absence on Hotch's desk, he hadn't had the guts to say anything. No one had said a word, they'd let you leave.

If it had been anyone else the calvary would've been out, but here you were on day ten of the longest break you'd had since you'd joined the bureau, and the only thing you had that proved you were missed were your unopened text messages from Penelope and Spencer. Penelope had been relaying messages for both her and Derek. Spencer had made you promise not to quit without saying goodbye. You knew how important it was to him, so if it came down to it, you'd give him that.

Still, your unwelcomed guest has grown impatient. They tap against your door a bit more impatiently, and you're climbing off your couch. Your slippers squeak with every step, and it's a bit funny, lightens your mood just barely. This hardly lasts, because the second you're swinging the door open your mood is dropping. Jennifer Jareau stands before you, looking more worse for wear than you'd seen her. She looks relieved when your eyes connect, you suddenly feel faint.

"Y/N." she always has this way of saying your name, like she's learning how to breathe for the first time, and before it was a symbol of your bond. "I'm sorry to show up like this, I didn't think you'd answer if I tried to call you." she admits, and you don't know how you look. You can't tell if she's receiving a bitter glare or something of the sort. All you know is how you feel. You feel like you're suffocating, like it's suddenly too hot. You feel like your clothes are too tight.

JJ is the one doing this to you. You're certain that's why you take a step backwards. She hasn't been at the profiling game long enough to mask the way you'd outrightly rejected her. "Why are you here?" you demand, and she crinkles her nose, almost like she's trying to keep from sneezing or something along the same lines. She honestly hadn't thought much of what she'd say. It had been almost two weeks since anyone had seen you, and she was going crazy.

"I just-" she exhales shakily, and you're about two seconds away from slamming the door in her face. "I wanted to see you." she admits, and you're unfazed, and visibly unimpressed. She'd waited almost two weeks, you were happy her guilt was eating her up. "No one's heard anything from you.... I just wanted to make sure that you were alright." she adds, and you take note of how she shuffles from foot to foot, nervous eyes jumping from one side of your face to the other.

She looks so unlike herself, not quite as bold and confident as you were used to. It's off putting, more than that though, it's a little suspicious all things considered.

"I'm fine." you insist, and you don't try to take some of the sharpness from your words. JJ's blue eyes are swimming with more emotions than you care to count in the moment. They're glassy, surrounded in dark circles and bags, she hadn't been sleeping. You hoped that wasn't on account of you, because in your current position you couldn't afford to be moved by her guilt. "And that could've been a text." you admit, and JJ winces. The drive from her place to yours was well over thirty minutes. She'd wasted her time.

"Are you going to hate me forever?" she asks, and you're at least offered the peace that comes with not finding anger in her tone. You were happy that at least she wouldn't be trying to make you feel bad for being angry. You don't know how to respond, because you honestly didn't know. You didn't know why you were so torn up about this, but you were. You couldn't look at her and pretend everything was okay, you couldn't go back to how things were before.

"Maybe." you mumble under your breath, and JJ looks so crushed. That manages to tug at your heart strings, you'd always been weak.

JJ's suddenly shuffling, digging through her bag. "Is that why you never said anything?" she asks, and she's holding your completed transfer application out towards you. It takes a moment for it to register, and you want to cower behind your door. Her gaze is so sharp, so crystalline like she was looking right through you. "Y/N..." and she says your name like she's the one who's been betrayed.

"You went through my stuff?" you counter, veering the subject off of your decision, and putting the focus back on her. "Bad way to go about regaining trust there, Jennifer." you say, and she flinches. You'd known one another for years, and you'd never called her Jennifer. You'd been calling her Jaige since you first became friends, what she wouldn't give to hear you call her that now. "I don't owe you an explanation." you add crossly, snatching the paperwork from her.

"Maybe not, but you owe it to Hotch." she argues like the know-it-all and little kiss ass that she's always been. "You owe it to the rest of the team." she adds a bit more gruffly, and you want to laugh at the hypocrisy. "You can't just spring this on them blind. If you're gonna run away at least have the guts to own up to it." she lectures, and you want to hit her, maybe grab her by her throat and shake her from side to side. "Instead of hiding out in your house like a child."

She gasps when you hit her, you think that you gasp too. You can't tell though, not with all the blood rushing to your head. You feel like your ears are clogged, and your eyes are wide, surprised at yourself. JJ's head is cocked to the side, cheek reddening as she gingerly clutches it. "JJ." and she supposes it's sort of a win. You weren't calling her Jennifer or Agent Jareau anymore. But her face stings, and it's starting to throb, and she thinks that she may burst into tears.

"It's okay." she says, because it kind of is. She was stupid in that way, willing to do whatever it took to get you back. Even at her own self destruction, and she supposed that's why she'd waited almost fourteen days to come see you. "Y/N/N, hey, it's okay..." she promises, and now it's your turn to feel guilty. There's this knot in your gut that pinches and twists and tightens. It steals your breath and makes you want to run and hide in your bedroom.

"I'm so sorry." You sputter, and your eyes are stuck wide open.

It's a good sign that you can apologize. Lucky you, you weren't as numb as you thought. JJ was still in your heart, maybe that meant Hotch and Emily were too. "I didn't mean to-" and you reach out for her, fingers ghosting just barely over where her cheek was starting to welt. You retract your hand at the last second though, you hadn't expected to actually hit her. "JJ, I'm so sorry." you reiterate, shuffling backwards, mostly so she doesn't touch you.

"It's okay." and you think maybe her ability to forgive you so easily is partially why you snap the way you do.

"No it's not!" you exclaim. "Nothing about this is okay, JJ." she jumps a bit at your tone, eyes flitting down the hallway. It was still vacant for now, which was good. "And just because you choose to forgive me quickly does not mean, I'm obligated to get over this now." you remind her as she pouts at you. She didn't understand why you were choosing not to forgive her. It didn't make any sense, it wasn't like she'd intentionally tried to hurt you. She hadn't had a choice.

"That's not fair." she exclaims, and now it's her turn to get aggravated.

"No, it isn't." you agree. "But, guess what JJ, it's my choice." the reminder makes JJ's face sour. Her heart though chooses

"I don't have to forgive you, especially when you haven't even actually told me why you're sorry. I don't want some apology that's just a means to keep you from feeling guilty about the fact that you fucked up, and you betrayed me." and it certainly sounds melodramatic. JJ's eyes are instantly rolling, and you feel a bit bad for your neighbors.

"You're treating this like it was some personal vindictive decision we decided to make." she counters. "It wasn't about you." she reiterates. "It wasn't about any of us." her voice raises just slightly. "It was about Emily." she sneers, "Do you remember her? Our friend." she emphasizes. "We did what we thought was best, Emily wasn't safe as long as Doyle was on the run, we wanted to minimize any chance of an attack." JJ proceeds. "We did what we had to for her." she adds.

"Don't you think we would've understood? We're supposed to be a family, JJ." you shoot back, and JJ's letting out an agitated sigh.

"We are a family."

"Give me a break." you're checked out of the conversation now, and you wonder how quickly you can shut the door in her face.

"What are you actually angry with me about, Y/N?" JJ presses. "I saw you that first day

You're telling me you're willing to throw away all your years at the bureau, all your years on this team, because of a decision that was out of our control?" she says, and she looks so disgusted at the thought. Maybe she was, it felt like the cowardly thing to do. Run away with your tail tucked between your legs instead of owning up to your feelings.

"I trusted you, JJ." you shout. "There's nothing deeper beneath the surface then that." JJ's eyes widen a bit at your outburst. "You watched me grieve for seven months. All while you got to sleep peacefully at night, because you knew the whole time that you hadn't really lost your friend. To you there was always an end to this, a day where Emily would be back, so not being able to see her for a little while doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things." you add.

"Y/N..." she begins and you shake your head.

"I think you should leave, I don't know why you came here." you mumble, and your hands on the door, ready to shut it in her face.

"Because I hate this." she answers sternly, voice raising just slightly. "And I'm tired of pretending that I don't." she emphasizes as your mood seems to worsen. "I-" she takes in a sharp breath. "I miss you, okay?" she exclaims. "I just want you to hear me out... for one second, and then I'll back off." she insists. "I'll leave you alone, and I'll accept that you'll never forgive me, but just... give me the chance to explain." you don't like to see JJ begging. It seems wildly out of character.

You think that's why you give her the chance. You nod your head stiffly, and she visibly relaxes, exhaling a shuddered breath.

"You have-" and her hands curl up into tight fists. "You have no idea how much I wanted to tell you." she exclaims, and you don't hold back with the visibly unimpressed look that crosses your face. "It's true." she deadpans forcibly. "And I know you can take care of yourself, you've been doing this profiling thing a lot longer than I have... but I couldn't rationalize putting you in harm's way, okay? I was trying to protect you." she explains, and she sounds desperate.

"I didn't ask you to do that." you shoot back instantly.

"That's the point, you never have to ask me." she cuts you off abruptly. "You'd never have to ask me to take care of you." and you note the way her turn-of-phrase has changed just slightly. "It's not something that I even have to think about doing, I just do it." she proceeds, and you blink a bit harshly, hand immediately moving to drag against your eye. You're sure on the outside it makes you look even more disengaged from the conversation.

You are listening though.

"I have known you for seven years-" her voice cracks, words slurring just slightly as she nervously gestures with her hands. Her eyes are glassy, but she still hasn't cried, you think that's just a part of who JJ is. Strong emotionally, unable to really let herself feel anything, she never wanted to look weak. You'd never expected such a front with you, even now when you were at odds, but here you were. "And-" she chokes on a breath, and none of your profiling skills seem to allow you to read between the lines. She would just have to spell it out.

She grows more anxious the longer you stare at her with an dry sort of expression. "And I've loved you for all seven of them." she finally blurts it out, and you feel it when a shiver snakes its way down your spine. "I just kept thinking about Doyle, and what he was capable of-" she proceeds to jump right over the confession. "I don't know how to be normal about you..." and it's lighthearted, it makes your lips twitch just slightly. "You're my best friend." she continues.

"And sometimes I just can't- I can't think straight... I go into this place where the only thing that ever matters is-" and her eyes widen just slightly before she's backpedaling. "I want to keep you safe, always." she insists. "You're my priority, you always have been, and I don't know what it'll take for you to trust me again, but I'm asking you to remember who I've always been to you, okay?" and her words are starting to lump together as she begins to speak much quicker.

You resist the urge to place a hand on her shoulder.

"And-and I just want you to ask yourself if I would ever do anything to hurt you deliberately." and you know, of course that she wouldn't. She hadn't. "Because I know that hurting you is the last thing I'd ever want to do. You purse your lips some, body leaning sideways as you press against the doorframe. You had a lot of thoughts swirling around your head, and many a feeling revving up in your chest. "I'm not good at this stuff." she admits, and of course you know that as well.

"But I'm asking you to let me make it up to you, I'm asking you to forgive me, and to believe that I only did what I did, because I was scared that you finding out about Emily would leave you open to danger." she pries. "I didn't think I had many options..." and her arms swing out, palms smacking against her thighs. She takes a breath that makes her chest heave. "I'm sorry that I hurt you, Y/N/N. I am so sorry." and she's trying to slow down her heartbeat.

Silence befalls the hallway immediately after, all you can really hear is JJ's booming heartbeat. She looks a bit crestfallen, and her face crumples up in that way that lets you know she's definitely about to cry. Still, JJ was the strongest woman that you knew, and you knew that no matter what, she'd wait until she was alone before she ever let you see her cry. She breathes in deep, back straightening as she fixes her posture just slightly. "I understand." and she curls her nose.

"I'm sorry for showing up like this." and she gestures to the space in between you both. "It wont happen again." she says it like a promise. "Bye, Y/N." her voice has grown a tad more glum, but you think you love her more because she doesn't beg.

"Bye, Jaige." and her chest fluttering at the nickname is a huge betrayal. Still, she couldn't deny how strongly she felt for you, even as you were crushing her heart in your hands. She watches as you stand back upright, stepping back into your apartment before you gently let the door shut. She gasps when the lock slips into place, and it's then that she allows herself the moment to shed a tear.

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"Well aren't you a sight for sore eyes." Derek's beaming at you, pretty teeth almost glistening underneath the shabby bullpen lights. It had been two days since JJ had shown up at your house, two days that had given you ample opportunity to think and reel in all your emotions. You held two cups of coffee in your hands, you supposed it could count as a peace offering. A truce declaration if you needed to label it as something. The aroma was pleasant and definitely calming.

"You look good, sweetheart." and there's no flirting beneath his words. He genuinely looks pleased with the fact, and you're grateful.

Derek Morgan was as sweet a friend as any, and despite his macho-manly outer shell, he'd treated you like kin from the day you started in the unit. He didn't smother you or hover over you, he let you be exactly who you were, but never failed to watch your back.

"I feel good." you admit, and you let out a quiet breath. "I'm glad to be back." you add a second after, and you're placing your coffees down long enough to wrap him a hug. It's needed, the comfort of your big brother, who's immediately scooping you into his arms. He squeezes like he's worried you'll disappear the second he lets you go, and you can only imagine that word had spread about your desire to step down from the unit. "I missed you, Der." you admit with a quiet huff, and Derek bends his chin to plant a kiss on your forehead.

"And I missed you, but I'm glad that you got what you needed." he then leans back, arms resting on your shoulders. "You did get all that you needed, didn't you?" he questions, and your head nods. "Good. This place isn't the same without you, and it'll do it some good to have you back." he purses his lips, because he's serious, but the desire to grin is still so prevalent. "Make sure you go see Garcia, she'll have a conniption and kick both our asses if she finds out you're making rounds, and I didn't tell her." he says, and you grin.

"That's my next stop, I just need to give something to JJ." you say quietly, and Derek's got this know-it-all expression on his face.

"Certainly not that coffee you've placed on my desk?" he asks, and you let out a quiet giggle. "Because once it hits my desk, it's finder's property." he teases as your eyes roll. "You know that." and he's mainly joking, and you appreciate it. It reminds you so much of how things were before, it takes away all the first-day-back jitters you'd been dealing with since you'd woken up and decided you were coming back. Derek always seemed to know exactly what to do.

"You didn't find anything, smart guy." you huff. "But, since I love you so much, why don't you just take this one." and you gift him the one that was originally meant for you. "Taste and be astonished, sir." and he takes the scalding paper cup from your hand, and brings it up to his nose to take in a sniff of the cinnamony beverage. "Just taste it." you huff, and he chuckles, free hand raising in surrender, as he brings it up to his mouth. The first sip like clockwork has him groaning.

You didn't consider yourself a caffeine connoisseur for nothing.

"You are an angel." he compliments, and you glow.

"I aim to please." you retort with a wink, and you look around the bullpen in search of the blonde profiler. "Have you seen Jaige?" you ask as Derek's head nods, taking another indulgent sip of the drink he'd manifested.

"She might be in with Hotch." he shrugs. "I told you things were different without you, little bit." and you resist the urge to frown. "He'll want to know you're back anyway though, right?" he continues, and you're immediately nodding your head in agreement.

"I guess you're right." you hum.

"I'm always right."

"Just shut up and drink your coffee." with that you're grasping the other cup in your hand, ignoring the way Derek's chuckle chases after you. You're not quite sure you're ready to face your boss, and despite how vacant the bullpen remained (and you were nearly forty minutes early), you knew eventually you'd have to face Emily too. You wondered if there was still time to change your mind and go back home. You don't have the time to decide either way, because the second you've climbed the ramp, you're met with the sight of Dave.

"The prodigal daughter's returned." he expresses, hands extended out as if he hoped you would hug him. Your face feels a bit warm, but you're ecstatic as you take the four short steps towards him. You use one hand to loop it around his side, head leaning against his shoulder as he hugs you just as tightly as Derek had. "I'm glad that you're back." he says, and there's this undertone that often lied beneath Rossi's words. "Everyone will be." he seems to finish his thought directly after, and you're hopeful that the same can be said for you.

"I hope so." you admit, and you offer a small smile. "How have you been?" you question politely, not really sure how to go about getting your groove back.

"I've been good." he replies with a content sort of smile. "The bad guys don't ever seem to stop, but I'm good." he answers and you grimace just slightly. "I'm much more interested to know how you are though." he expresses, before he raises an eyebrow. "JJ came back to work with some very interesting news about your future here at the bureau." he says, and he lowers his voice, which you think is indicative of something. Maybe that she hadn't blabbed to the entire team, and instead had only mentioned it to Dave.

"That sounds like JJ." you reply with a huff. "I'm good, I'm back... I think that's what matters most, isn't it?" you question and Dave scrutinizes you for a moment, but nods.

"Yes, I'd agree." he replies, and you relax a bit. "Thirsty?" he looks down at the cup in your hand, and you blanche.

"Uh-" you look towards Hotch's door. "It's for JJ... Derek said he thinks she's in with Hotch." and you nod your head towards it. Dave offers you a contemplative sort of look, you don't understand why. He then gives you a small smile, almost one of understanding.

"Then I won't hold you any longer," he promises, and you relax. "I'm glad you're back, Y/N." Dave finishes, and you beam, feeling a bit better about your decision. He leaves you with that, heading back into his office, as you take the few short steps from his office to Hotch's. It seems like things are working in your favor, the second you're raising an arm to knock, the door is swinging open. You're met with the sight of blue-eyed JJ looking back at you and you gasp.

You instinctively take a small step backwards, as she stares at you in surprise. "Y/N/N?" she questions, and that seems to garner Hotch's attention. The older man's focus being drawn towards the door as well. "What are you doing here?" JJ asks, and your mouth feels incredibly dry. All you can really do is push your hand forward, cup of coffee resting against JJ's chest. She's quick to look down at the beverage that was steadily cooling.

It takes her a second to garner the focus to grasp it in her hand, fingers brushing against yours. "Good morning." you slur out, and then you're motioning to the coffee in her hand. "This is for you." you proceed, and JJ's eyes are back on the cup, perfect brows pushing together. "C-Can we talk?" you shift from one foot to the other, not quite nervous, but definitely apprehensive and unsure. "Just for a second?" you question, and she's opening her mouth to respond.

"Uh, Y/N." it's Hotch's voice that pulls you both from what could have been a moment. "Can I see you for a moment?" he questions, and JJ's bottom lip is disappearing, front teeth just lightly pressing into it as you both realize that you don't have time to unpack the last conversation you'd had. You nod your head slightly, walls as high as the ceiling as the air around the both of you seems to grow frigid. You don't look at her, and she finds herself more confused than ever.

You step into Hotch's office, and let the door click shut behind you. JJ holds the cup of coffee in her hand, and her mind reels. Was this it? Were you here to step down? Were you about to make the choice that would change the unit's trajectory forever? She doesn't want to wait around to find out, instead she's being pulled towards Emily, who's walking through the elevator with Spencer on her heels.

"Oh, hey! Is that for me?" Emily's teasing, hand held out for the coffee that JJ feels the need to tighten her grip on.

"Uh, no." she denies sternly. "This is-" and she looks down at it, takes in the way the side is scribbled over with that nickname you'd created just for her. 'Jaige', there was no heart, no other note that would be indicative of what your motives were. But the 'Jaige' said a lot, maybe you had started to forgive her, maybe her words had actually meant something. Even if she'd poured her heart out, and you'd stared back at her like it meant nothing. She ignores that last part though.

Maybe she does it because she's secretly a masochist.

Maybe she thinks she deserves it.

"Y/N got this for me." she finally says it, and Emily's eyes are shocked. Spencer, who was gearing up to offer a greeting seems to stop in his tracks at the mention of you. "Yeah, she showed up this morning... and she gave me this." JJ explains, her eyes turning towards the shadowy, looming, darkness that seemed to sit outside Hotch's office as the two of you discussed God knows what. "She's here." she breathes this out, and Emily's head is tipped a bit to the side.

"That a good thing, isn't it?" she treads lightly and slowly. Gauging JJ's reactions, she couldn't deny her slight annoyance towards you. JJ hadn't been shy about her guilt, about the feelings she harbored that you had so eloquently ignored. She knew that you were handling things in your own time, but JJ deserved better than that, right? She didn't deserve to be blamed for something like this.

"I guess we'll see." JJ retorts, lips pursing together.

"Y/N is here?" Spencer questions, eyes still wide and bright, clearly unfazed by the inner turmoil JJ was currently dealing with.

"Yeah, she's in with Hotch." JJ replies as Spencer's face seems to glow, a newfound vigor to his look as he smiles slightly. Spencer says something about going to see Penelope before he takes his leave, JJ and Emily suddenly left alone. JJ heaves, hand clenching around the cup for a moment. It's warmth was far from blistering, but it would still be hot enough to wake her up a bit. For some reason though she's not so keen on drinking it anymore.

"Hey, are you okay?" Emily questions and JJ nods her head. "You know you can always tell me if you aren't." the raven haired woman adds a moment later. "I know things between you have been kind of weird, and that's partially my fault-" JJ's immediately holding a hand up to cut Emily's rant short.

"It wasn't your fault." she deadpans. "I chose to keep it a secret. I did it because I understood the importance of discretion, even if she can't." and she's a bit exasperated, mostly just tired of all of it. "I'll be in my office." and then she's taking her leave, grateful for the fact that despite her year away at the pentagon, she was lucky enough to come back to her own space, instead of being delegated to the open space of the bullpen with the rest of the team.

When she reaches her office, she sets the coffee cup down, moving to sit in her chair as she prepared to start her day. She hardly has the chance to get comfortable, because she's quickly getting a notification from her cellphone with a message from Penelope asking her to come to her lair. She huffs, feeling the early beginnings of a migraine forming. This time when she grabs hold of the coffee cup it's to toss it into the trashcan on her way back out the door.

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"Hey." you look up, a bit surprised to be getting approached by Emily. She looks a bit contemplative, but polite, sweet as always. After your long talk with Hotch, you'd been trying your best to get back into the swing of things. There hadn't been a call for a case, so instead everyone was catching up on paperwork. You'd been immediately cornered by Spencer, who was visibly overjoyed to see that you were back at work. He'd even surprised you with a hug that managed to be surprisingly mood lifting. But you hadn't run into Emily.

You also hadn't managed to run into JJ either.

"Oh, hey." you say, and you think back on Hotch's words, about the severity of Emily's case. He'd even tried to school you a bit on the real nature of Doyle's crimes, you supposed that was his way of expressing just how pertinent it had been to keep Emily safe. You tap your nails against your desk. "What can I do for you?" and it's a bit formal, but it's still taking some getting used to, being this close to Emily, who nearly eight months ago you'd believed to be dead.

"Nothing." she replies, "I just wanted to know if I could talk to you?" and she looks a bit hopeful, but you also know Emily was a thinker, you wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if she had premeditated this whole conversation. "It will only take a second." she adds as if recognizing the discomfort on your face.

"Uh, yeah... sure." you agree, albeit reluctantly. You knew full well the unit would not be able to function with you choosing to behave like a brat. You'd made the choice to come back, which meant that moving forward with every member of the team was important. You move to stand up, and Emily's holding a hand out to stop you.

"No, please." she gestures back to your seat. "Sit." she instructs, and you listen, dropping back into your office chair. "Look, we're all real happy that you're back." she begins, and you feel a bit awkward. Mostly because it's all you've been hearing all day, similar sentiments from all the current members of the Behavioral Analysis Unit. Derek, Hotch, Spencer, Penelope, Rossi, and now Emily. It served to only make you feel more guilty for seemingly throwing the world's biggest tantrum over the last four weeks.

"Thanks, Em." you reply, and she offers you a ghost of a smile.

"I don't know how long it'll take for things to feel normal again for you, and I know this is... absolutely a crazy situation." she pushes her lips to the side as she finishes this, "All I ask is that whenever you're feeling a little too... overwhelmed or it starts becoming too much for you again that you tell us." she propositions. "It's like Garcia always says right? This team works best because we're a family. We trust one another... we've got no other choice, right?" and Emily pauses, seemingly giving you the chance to input with your own opinion.

"Yeah." you agree, and she visibly relaxes.

"JJ's a really great girl by the way." she says, and your eyebrows jump up. "And she cares about you a lot. Too much I think." Emily continues, and you shuffle a bit in your seat, suddenly uncomfortable. "Cut her a bit of slack, okay? Don't punish her too badly for this." she instructs you, and your face ticks, you're unsure if you're going to frown or scowl.

"I wouldn't." you insist, and Emily offers you a look that you know says she doesn't quite believe you. "And I don't really need you trying to give me the protective friend speech." you add a bit unimpressed.

"I'm not trying to lecture you." Emily counters, and you cut your eyes at her.

"So then don't." you huff. "I've got a lot of work to do... so if there's nothing else." and you turn your head back to your files, face screwed up at her. Emily scoffs, letting out one of those huffed laughs that escape from your nose. It makes you look back up at her, eyes narrowed as you offer her a look that said something that was quite frankly not appropriate for work. "What?" you snap.

"You're being unreasonable." she deadpans, and you think that's part of the appeal of your bond with Emily. You'd both always had the liberty to say what you felt to one another, no holds barred. "And you're being unfair. JJ told me what happened, okay? How many times are you gonna make her apologize? And how long are you going to hold it over her head? I know that we hurt you, but you can't use that as your excuse to keep treating us like we're dispensable."

Your jaw drops at the accusation, "I'm not doing that. I'm not the one that keeps trying to push the damn envelope. I left to regroup, and the only reason I came back was because JJ was the only person that had the guts to apologize and to-to be honest with me. I would never use my feelings about the situation as some rouse to get my way, I'm not a child, and I don't appreciate you insinuating that I'm that unprofessional." and you admit, it's getting a little tense.

Derek's eyes haven't left you since Emily walked up, and you know it's not because he's looking for gossip. It's because he knows if the two of you go at it, you could both potentially say something that would hurt each other. But he also supposed it all had to come out eventually, Spencer's seemed to disassociate. His eyes haven't left his book, even as your voice picks up a bit of volume. Lucky kid.

"She told you that she was in love with you, and you shut the door in her face." Emily exclaims, and she's stern, but also certain to lower her voice. JJ wasn't subtle about her feelings for you, but that didn't mean she wanted it as something for the Unit to talk about. Emily watches as your face screws up, clear confusion swirling in your eyes as you shake your head involuntarily.

"Emily, what the hell are you talking about?" you demand, and Emily's face ticks.

"The other day..." she begins, and she's blinking rapidly, her own confusion starting to catch up to her. "When she went to see you?" Emily trails off, and your face pinches up even more, like you had no idea what she was talking about. "When she-" and she trails off.

"No. No she didn't." you deny. "She told me that she loved me, yeah... but JJ always tells me that, and it certainly wasn't like she was confessing secret feelings for me." you deadpan. "She told me why she lied, and she asked me to think about it, and see if I could forgive her. I did, I thought about it, and that's why I showed up today..." you continue, and there's no malice behind your words, it's only that same confusion from before. "Why would you think she was in love with me, Emily?" you press, and your head tips to the side a bit.

"I-" and she's floundering. JJ had made it so clear to her, she'd been so devasted by what happened. How she'd put her heart out there for you, and received absolutely nothing back. But looking at you now, there were no signs of deception, nothing that would prove that you'd willingly ignored a love confession. "I think you should talk to JJ." she retreats, suddenly feeling like she was majorly overstepping. Her annoyance towards your behavior disappears instantly.

This was all a misunderstanding, and you were painfully oblivious.

"Emily?" your confusion triples, watching as the raven haired woman takes off, ignoring the call of your name and serving to put you in a more sour mood. Your foot taps against the ground for a moment, looking over your shoulder at the only person in the unit besides you that could be considered exceptionally close to JJ. "Hey, Spence?" you call, and he's looking up at you instantly. You wave him over, and watch as he puts his bookmark in his book before standing up.

He passes Derek, who's settled back into his own work now that the tensions have declined. When he reaches your desk, you're reaching over to pull another swivel chair up beside you. He takes the hint, sitting down in the seat as you put on your best pleading face, it may have been a bit unethical, but damn it all, if you weren't confused now. "Can I ask you a question?" you plead, and Spencer's new haircut is cute, it fits him, makes him look more like the grown man he is, and not the little kid he'd been dubbed as by the rest of the team.

"You sort of just did." he tells you and you exhale, not out of annoyance though. It's humorous the way you walked right into that one. He's beaming at you, proud of it all, before he clears his throat, using a hand to gesture for you to continue with your real question.

"Do you have any idea why Emily would think that JJ was in love with me?" you question, and the thought is stuck on repeat now that it'd been brought to your attention. You hadn't really taken her words from the other day as some indicator that she held deeper feelings towards you. You watch the way Spencer's eyes widen, before he sets his face, allowing it to rest in a more relaxed expression. He was about to deflect or lie, either way you'd already gotten your answer.

"I think everyone's entitled to their theories and hypotheses..." he offers, and you roll your eyes. "Emily might have noticed something about JJ that led her to that sort of... conclusion." he adds, and your head tips to the side. "But, the only person who'd really know is JJ. Why don't you just ask her?" he offers, and his lips push to the side, almost like he's worried it was the wrong thing to say. Classic Spence.

You lean forward and plant a kiss on his forehead, "Thanks, Spence, you're the best!" you mumble as you stand to your feet, making your way across the bullpen to find JJ's office. The walk is short, and soon enough you find yourself hovering outside of the cracked door. It was a sign that she was sitting inside. You didn't really know how to go about this, on the one hand if it was all a big misunderstanding that'd be a bit embarrassing. On the other hand though, how were you supposed to deal with the fact that your best friend was into you.

For so long the Unit had remained a safe haven from things like crossed boundaries and inappropriate relationships. Of course there were those that toed the line (You still believed that Spencer and Elle had fooled around in the weeks leading up to her departure) and others had crossed the line (Penelope and Derek) but things had never gotten so intense. There were no weddings, dates, children between any of you. You all understood the importance of separation. How could you manage and sustain a relationship like this?

How would things change if one day someone felt that they weren't getting enough? You all had at one point or another prioritized work over your social life, and you all had seen exactly what a life like that led to you. It led to divorce and breakups that only appeared civil, but were really irreconcilable beneath the surface. Still, you push that all to the back of your mind, hand reaching forward to knock on the door. You take a small step backwards, giving her a chance to answer.

"Come in." she calls, and you take a deep breath before you push the door open. JJ's eyes widen the second she takes you in, and you wonder whether or not this was your smartest idea. "Oh..." and she immediately stands up from her chair. "Hey, is everything okay?" she asks, and you're finally stepping inside, shutting the door behind you. It closes with a soft click, and the air suddenly feels charged.

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just wanted to talk to you."

"Of course." she replies, "What's up?"

You think about starting off with a bit of small talk, hoping to ease into the obvious hard part with a bit of a buffer between you. You decide against it at the last minute. "The other night when you told me that you've... loved me for all seven years we've been friends, what exactly did you mean by that?" you pry, and JJ's face is immediately showing off her shock. Her eyes are wide, mouth dropping just slightly as she gaped at you.

"W-What?" she stammers, and you offer her a blank stare.

"It wasn't a difficult question, Jaige." you tell her and she doesn't really know how to respond. "Emily said-" and JJ's eyes are rolling, only because she couldn't believe that Emily had decided to confront you and turn it into an entire ordeal. You weren't obligated to reciprocate her feelings, and she really didn't need anyone fighting any battles for her, especially when she had already begun to make peace with moving on.

"Emily shouldn't have said anything to you, okay? After I left your house, I'll admit I was upset... but-" and she exhales, "You don't have to overcompensate for not feeling the same way by... bringing me coffee, and-and trying to relive that confession, okay? It's only going to hurt the both of us." she tells you sternly, and now it's your turn to be shocked. "It was really stupid of me to even mention it to you then, so we can just forget about it, okay? I'm happy you're back, but if that's it-" and then she's motioning to the door.

"JJ, I didn't know that you were confessing to me." you tell her. "Do you actually think I would've shut the door in your face if I did?"

"You know what? I actually don't know. I mean, the last few weeks we haven't exactly been seeing eye-to-eye." she reminds you, "And it's not like anytime during that conversation you ever gave me anything to work with." she reminds you. "You just did what you always do." she proceeds, and you scoff, growing offended.

"What I always do?" you hiss.

"Yeah, what you always do." she reiterates. "That thing you do where you pretend that nothing matters at all. Like you're just this impenetrable wall that feels nothing, isn't bothered, doesn't care." she says, and you're surprised to know that she thinks this about you. "Y/N, you're a profiler, isn't the whole point that you see the things other people don't?" she presses, "I mean, I don't know how much more clearer I can get. I told you that you were my priority, that doesn't exactly scream you're my best friend." JJ crosses her arms.

"We're not supposed to profile each other." you counter, and you think in a way this is you deflecting again. You didn't know what to say, you didn't even really know how you felt. She shoots you a dry look.

"Okay, Y/N, maybe we aren't." she says with a deep breath, and a tired expression on her face. "I don't really know what you want from me..." and you're taking a small step backwards,

"I'm just trying to understand-" and she's cutting you off instantly.

"There's nothing for you to understand." she snips, and your attitude towards JJ is back, your face screwed up.

"Okay then." you snap, and JJ seems to notice her mistake, her eyes instantly softening, but you both know that it's much too late now.

"Thank you for the coffee..." she gripes, almost like it hurts to say the words, "But I think maybe it's best if just for a little while, we give each other some space." she looks down at the ground. You blink, and you think you might burst into tears, your face and neck scalding hot.

"Is that what you want?" you question, and you ball your hands up into fists at your side.

"Yeah, it is." she agrees, though she doesn't mean it.

"Fine." and before she can really wrap her head around this decision, you're storming out of her office, allowing the door to slam shut behind you. It's childish really, but you can't find it in you to care. The excitement you'd felt that morning at the thought of reconciling with your friend was long gone. All that was left was the knowledge that JJ was supposedly in love with you, and the fact that you liked her a lot more before you found out.

[turcott3]

homesick

trevor zegras and platonic jamie drysdale x fem! reader

warnings?: sad af tbh!, angst, cursing but ofc fluff

masterlist

-

“what?” you spoke into the phone.

“he picked up the phone and they told him he was going to philly in the morning. no warning or anything. completely blindsided.” trevor explains to you.

“i cannot believe that, is he okay?” you ask.

“he’s shocked, we all are.”

“i bet. i’m so sorry trevor.” you say trying to comfort your boyfriend.

“it’s okay, i just wish it wasn’t so sudden.”

“well, tell jamie i wish him the best and that ill miss making breakfast with him every morning.”

“you can call him, that feels too personal don’t wanna invade.” he forces a laugh.

“okay ill call him tomorrow. get back to your friends babe, try to have a good night okay?”

“okay i will, love you y/n.”

“love you trev, bye.”

“bye.” he hangs up. you sat staring off into space. your mind spinning uncontrollably. they just shipped off your boyfriends best friend. scratch that, your best friend, besides trevor of course. you turn on the tv to whatever was on distracting yourself from the thoughts invading your mind, clouding the good day you had. finally, you allow yourself to cry, knowing your last goodbye to jamie was truly your last and that he wouldn’t be returning.

“what the fuck.” you say crying more, wishing someone was around you could talk to. you say for hours lost in your thoughts, watching tv without paying any attention. at this point it was late enough so you took yourself to bed, heart heavy at the thought of having to call jamie in the morning. though falling asleep was easy, waking up was the worst feeling in the world. you picked up your phone quickly, scrolling through your contacts to find jamie’s name, hitting call. the phone only rang twice before he picked up.

“hello?” he says, voice sounding weak.

“hey jimmy, how are you feeling?”

“i’m okay, i’m in philly now. i’m getting ready to head to the rink. i’m a little nervous but i talked to cam and he reassured me.”

“good i’m glad, im gonna miss you so much jamie.”

“i miss you too y/n, gonna miss our early morning breakfast making.” he laughs softly, a bittersweet smile spreading on my face.

“yeah, yeah ill really miss that too. singing ‘unwritten’ will never be the same without you.”

“damn you’re right, listening to that song will never hit like it did when we were making pancakes every morning.”

“i’m gonna miss that so much, well i don’t wanna keep you for too long. call me if you need anything okay? i know this is gonna be tough.”

“i will, thank you y/n.”

“of course, bye jamie.”

“bye.” he says before hanging up. your heart sank at his tone but could sense his hopefullness that they wouldn’t give up on him like anaheim had.

-

you say on the couch, watching trevor play with a heavy heart. you could practically smell it through the tv. you’d spoken to him briefly but he avoided the topic of jamie, it was still a touchy subject for him. next thing you know, trevor falls, hitting the boards awkwardly.

“fuck.” you say, watching him unable to get up without assistance, your heart breaking all over again. the trainer escorted him to the locker room, the pit in your stomach growing larger.

“please be okay, please be okay.” you say sighing.

“trevor zegras will not return to tonight’s game.” you hear the commentators say, you sigh shutting your eyes, waiting for the phone to ring and almost on queue it begins.

“y/n?”

“trevor are you okay? what’s going on?”

“i don’t know i just fell and i did something and then i couldn’t skate off the ice and i-“

“trevor stop, slow down. take a breath honey. you’re gonna make yourself sick.” you say stopping him.

“i don’t know what to do y/n.”

“do you want me to come to nashville?”

“no no you don’t need to, i think i may just come back to anaheim if i can’t play next game.”

“call me as soon as you know.” you say biting your nails.

“i promise i will, ill call you once they evaluate me.”

“okay, love you trevor.”

“love you too, bye.” he says and you hang up, slamming your phone down on the couch tears instantly spilling from your eyes, your hands instantly covering your face.

“i can’t fucking do this.” you cry, trying to catch your breath as your phone begins to ring, jamie’s name coming into the screen.

“hello?” you say weakly.

“i saw what happened and i wanted to check up on you. how you holding up?”

“i’m a fucking mess jamie.” you say sobbing.

“oh y/n, i’m so sorry. i wish i could be there with you.” he says apologetically.

“it’s okay, everything’s gonna be okay.” you say out loud to yourself.

“do you have any updates?” he asks.

“no he said he would call me after he gets evaluated.” you say sniffling.

“okay, do you want me to stay on the phone until then? i can facetime you, that’s better than nothing.”

“yes, please do.” you say and he presses the facetime button, you picking up immediately.

“sorry i look awful right now,” you say wiping your nose.

“hey no, don’t worry. you’re going through a lot right now.”

you stayed on the phone with jamie for the next two hours, appreciating him spending time on the phone with you instead of getting to know his new city.

“jamie i gotta go. z is calling, i’ll text you with updates.”

“okay, goodnight y/n.”

“goodnight jamie.” you say hanging up and picking up trevor’s call.

“so?” you ask.

“can you pick me up from the airport in the morning?” he asks, your heart sinking into your stomach.

“yes i can.”

“thank you baby, i’m so sorry about all of this.”

“it’s okay. are you okay?”

“i’m not playing, won’t know what’s wrong until i come home and go see team doc.”

“okay okay, what time?” you ask.

“7 am, cali time.”

“jesus thats in,” you look at the time, “11 hours.”

“i’m sorry for the short notice, i didn’t think this would happen.”

“it’s okay no worries at all okay? i’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“okay, i love you.” he says

“i love you too, bye trevor.” you say hanging up. texting jamie about picking him up in the morning. with the early wake up time, you take yourself to bed and crash instantly. the sadness had exhausted you. it seems like just as you went to sleep your alarm was already going off. you groaned at the sound, sliding your shoes on and heading out the door without caring for your appearance. feeling selfish for being this down when it’s not even happening to you. your drive to the airport was smooth, trevor texting you that he’d landed a few minutes ago as you pull into the airport arrival lane, him waiting patiently with his foot in a boot. you stop and get out of the car to hug him, crying instantly.

“hey hey i’m here now, let’s go home okay?” he says holding you tightly. you put his things in the car and drive off, back to your apartment. the car ride was completely silent as you gathered your composure. once you arrive you help him bring his stuff in and help him into bed.

“did you sleep?” you ask laying down next to him.

“no.” he says looking over at you, looking beat down.

“get some sleep baby.” you say pulling yourself to his side, combing your fingers through his hair.

“i can’t sleep y/n,” he said, his voice breaking, “god damnit.” he says breaking down in tears, your hands catching his face as he looked down.

“talk to me trevor, get it out.”

“well for starters, it was my 200th game and i didn’t even make it through the first period and my best friend got traded across the country all within 24 hours. life couldn’t possibly get any worse. this is the lowest i have ever felt.” he explained, getting everything off his chest.

“i know it’s hard honey, i’ve cried about 50 times in the last 24 hours. my heart is broken for you. all i can do is be here for you and listen and i feel like that’s still not even enough.”

“it is enough, it’s just a tough time right now. for both of us it seems.” he giggles, placing a hand around my waist.

“well i love you, i’m here for you baby. don’t hold back anything you’re feeling, not until you’re better. it sucks that jamie is gone but we still have each other! i know that’s not like the greatest but it’s something.”

“you know, you are the best girlfriend ever.” he smiles weakly, pulling you onto his lap and wiping the few tears that left your eyes.

“i just feel terrible about all of this.” you say to him.

“there’s nothing you could’ve done, it’s okay.” he says hugging you to his chest.

“this was not on my 2024 bingo card.” you sniffled, laughing lightly.

“it wasn’t on mine either but here we are.” he says hugging onto me tightly. you stayed on his chest until you felt yourself grow tired, eyes getting heavier by the second. not a word was said as you drifted off to sleep. trevor stayed awake, holding onto you as it was the only thing keeping him from falling apart.

“i love you more than you’ll ever know.” he whispers into your hair, kissing your head sweetly as his hands rubbed your back gently.

-

when you woke up and rolled off of the boy who was fast asleep, trying not to wake him up. you grabbed your phone off the charger and walked into the kitchen, opening your phone to a missed call from jamie about 20 minutes ago. you click on the notification to call him back and he picks up instantly.

“hello?” he says.

“yes jamie hi, what’s up?”

“do you have a minute?”

“yeah i just got up, are you okay?”

“yeah i think it’s all starting to process now and i’m so emotional. like i just up and left my home with my two best friends. how can i just live like this so suddenly? i made breakfast and it wasn’t even good.” he explains, his voice wavering.

“oh jamie,” you say, “it’s gonna be okay. i promise it will be. they love you.”

“i’m sure ill get used to it soon it’s just such an unexpected change, i don’t know what i’m doing.” he says sending you through all of your emotions at once.

“i understand, even though we aren’t physically there we are always here for you jam. we love you so so much.”

“i love you guys too.”

“i’m also about to make breakfast for the first time without you, i don’t really know how to feel.” you laugh realizing what you had walked into the kitchen to do.

“well i’ll let you go so you can perfect your pancakes as always. bye y/n.”

“bye jam.” you say hanging up the phone and bringing out all the ingredients. you do your typical routine, humming ‘unwritten’, your favorite song. suddenly a wall of emotions hit you and tears begin to fall without warning.

“our breakfast song.” you say to yourself, recalling that you and jamie had sang this together every morning.

“smells good.” trevor says walking out of the room, your back fortunately facing away from him.

“thank you.” you force out, sounding mostly normal.

“pancakes?” he asks.

“yep.” you reply flipping the last one. you plate it and turn around, revealing your red and puffy face to your boyfriend.

“woah,” he says getting up off the bar stool and rounding the counter, “what’s going on?”

“trevor im so tired.” you cry and he wraps you in his arms.

“i know i know.” he says holding you tightly.

“i feel so empty, ive been here for you, for jamie, for everyone and no one has sat and listened to me. im so tired.” you cry even more into his chest.

“i didn’t know you felt that way, im so sorry if you felt like you couldn’t talk to me baby.”

“it’s okay, it’s a rough time for you i didn’t wanna push too hard but i can’t say i wasn’t upset.”

“don’t dismiss your own feelings just because i’m going through something. we’re in this together.” he says pulling away slightly, brushing strands of hair from your face.

“okay.” you say, your sobs finally subsiding.

“i love you.” he says kissing your gently on the forehead.

“i love you too trev.” you say smiling at the gesture, wrapping yourself back in his embrace.

-

[5eraphim]

swinging out the gate with pure filth but i recently stumbled upon a scout voice line that made me cream my pants (tumblr doesn't allow links as anon so i'm putting extra parentheses to make sure it doesn't appear as one (https://wiki.teamfortress.com/w/images/4/48/Scout_domination20.wav))

anyways it got me heavy thinking about dom scout because i really truly think this boy is a sadistic motherfucker. huge ego and need to be the best, especially growing up the youngest sibling? having someone stupidly fucked out for him blows his mind.

and i KNOW for a FACT he has a daddy kink, too, and wants a real title to hear the power he has in the moment (plus there's another scout voice line that says "come to daddy" so it's essentially confirmed because i said so).

he's still a little bit of a teenage horndog about it, rolling his eyes back and getting a little nervous when you actually do submit, because he was prepared for a fight.

i would almost say he prefers it, wanting the struggle and the power that comes with quelling the flame in you but never fully, trying to push buttons to get you to give him a shove or a nasty remark so he has an excuse to pounce on you like a predator.

"yeah? you like that? gettin' fucked on daddy's dick?" almost really talking to himself when he drills into you as fast as he physically can, positioned in missionary because he wants to see that pretty face (and tits).

he wants to see overstimulation paint your features, you know that. he also wants to see that feisty side of you just so he can tame it. you push his abdomen the best you can, hands really just shoving his shirt that he didn't bother to take off. it's not working, and all he can do is laugh at your pathetic attempt.

you yank the dog tags that dangle in front of your face, sort of wet because of the sweat he's pouring, not due of the physicality but rather that he's so worked up and thrilled that he's heating up. the chain wrings around the back of his neck a little, not necessarily doing the damage you hoped for. in fact, you can see a switch flip and his eyes darken. uh oh.

his hands slam around your neck, having previously been attached to your waist, and squeeze so hard your vision goes fuzzy at the edges and all the blood rushes from your head. "you wanna choke me? how's it feel ta be fuckin' choked, huh? stupid bitch." he's degrading, harsh because he knows he can be. your eyes well u with tears, threatening to spill, and he grins like a wolf. he loves it.

"oh, what, you gonna cry? you gonna cry now?" he spits at you. that's all it takes before the waterworks start, cooling your warm cheeks and letting him know he's won this round.

there's nothing that stops you from cumming on his cock, completely overwhelmed by feeling and so far gone that it doesn't even matter. scout's overjoyed that he's got a pretty girl so fucking stupid for him that she can't even control her body anymore. he gets so high off the feeling that he can't help but bark out every filthy thought and word he has, a reminder that he is conscious enough to talk and you're so braindead you can't form a word.

"aww" he wipes your tears with the pad of his thumb, "don' cry kid, i'm not even bein' that cruel!" he taps his thumb against your lips, scowling when you turn your head to avoid his digit. he grabs your chin to force your eyes on his. "open up and suck my fuckin' thumb or ill replace it with my cock and fuck your face."

im making my mark as 👽 emoji because i will 100% be back to write more

HELL O?? HELLO 👽!!! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW!!! MAKING OUT WITH THE SIDE OF YOUR NECK RIGHT NOW AS WE SPEAK

thank you so much for sending me this, a bit blown awayy right now, i must say. top-tier scout characterization, on GOD. He is MEAN. he is literally a one man bully squad- of course he's gonna overdo it act like a total maniac getting nasty with his obsession.

i love this because i love writing Scout as on the more dominant side, but in a almost playfully sadistic kind of way.

[rodolfoparras]

you made me think about price pregnant now...

cuddling with the baby belly after stressful days, price being on leave because of his pregnancy and he's super worried since you're still in active duty and going on operations.

Price gets soo clingy, but can you really blame him? years in the battlefield have left him someone who cares about others before himself, but now he's under all these hormones and needs someone to help him instead

you're his entire world and it heats up price's heart you being soso attentive both to the baby and him, although he wishes you'd be rougher with him sometimes, because he isn't fragile nor weak, just going through a tough period of time!!

besides being clingy, he's also a very needy man. even more than normal! the thought that you're both already so committed to each other probably turns him on to no end and he often finds himself getting horny after overthinking your relationship at night ..... of course, you're there to comfort him as always, in multiple ways!

his stamina obviously isn't the same as before, both age and his pregnancy took a toll on him and he gets so tired after that he falls asleep like a baby, and so happy with everything. the way you'd be snuggled up would not have people thinking that you just fucked really hard.

im a dombot!price activist and i wholeheartedly believe that he would insist on being the one to dom regardless of how much you tell him otherwise, how much you tell him that he shouldn't wear himself out, because who are you to tell him that? price knows how limits very well.

I JUST WENT ON A RAMBLE THERE ... MIND FULL OF THOUGHTS (AND PRICE'S CUNT FILLED WITH CUM 🙏 GODBLESS)

-🌷

TULIP ANONIE I WOULD GIVE YOU MOON SUN AND STARS

Thinking about Price who feels a wee bit insecure about his new body, who keeps avoiding his reflection in the mirror and talking in such harsh way about himself, on top of that he’s starting to think you don’t find him attractive anymore

so he buys a lingerie red and sheer thinking it would give him some confidence but as soon as it arrives it won’t fit on him and he starts crying out of frustration and you walk through the door like what’s going on and he’s like I’m so so stupid and you’re like hey hey hey and he’s like it won’t fit and you’re like what won’t fit love and he’s like “this” he says while signaling to the outfit he’s wearing and it’s only now you actually register what he’s wearing since you walked in and sprung in action when you saw him crying

and you’re like sweetheart what’s this you say softly while wiping his cheeks and he’s like wanted to dress up- wanted to get pretty for you and you’re baffled because what does he mean?? To you he always looks pretty even with only a pair of old sweats on him so you’re like sweetheart what are you talking about there’s no need to get all pretty for me you say sounding as honest as ever while prying the hands away from his face “I think you always look pretty” you say to him and of course hormone have him already spilling tears and he’s like really and you don’t even answer instead him you let him feel and his eyes widen before a blush creeps up his cheeks matching the very same color of the lingerie he’s wearing

Early on hes easily able to ride you but as the months go on it becomes harder and harder for him, body aching and getting tired easily but you know how much it means to have control in bed so what do you do ? you burry your head between his legs allowing him to direct you with his own hands and he’s so fucking happy because it finally feels like he’s in control of things tears trickling down his cheeks as he guides you with his hand towards his release

Price who still doesn’t have a ring but has a bump to prove that you belong to him and he belongs to you, get so horny at the thought of it and starts fingering himself, even going as far as to imagine a ring on those very same slick fingers, who’ll get hot around the collar when you put a possessive hand on his stomach, who will proudly waddle around on his base because everyone knows he’s carrying your baby,

[minotaurs-my-beloved]

Soooooo hi this is just a teeny tiny thing I was working on that I think im going to post and id like to hear your thoughts!!

There was a reason people avoided you in the town. I mean who would want to get close to someone destined to die? Well maybe that was just superstition but still, you were a walking bad omen no one wants that around. And hey it’s not your fault the real estate agent should have told you what happened in the house. Not that it would matter if you found out soon enough.

It started with small things such as your items getting misplaced, and the temperature dropping quickly at random times. But soon it escalated, clothes that you wore daily were going missing and suddenly there was a lack of your lip products. You decided to ignore it you got the house for a damn good deal maybe whatever ghost was there would be willing to cohabit in the space.

But now little notes were being left around the house. ‘You look so delicate when you sleep’ ‘You always smell so good I could just eat you up’ which were easy enough to brush off Sure a ghost was in love with you Yada Yada what’s new. You managed to ignore the notes no matter how increasingly weird they were getting.

However, It seems that whatever was here didn’t quite appreciate being ignored. So it stepped it up yet again. You would randomly feel feather-light touches on your body at random points of the day. Brushing over your stomach and chest, pinching your thighs if it was feeling bold. And every time you didn’t make a comment they would only grow to be more confident. Feather-light touches soon turned into gripping and squeezing your body while you cooked or finger trailing dangerously low while you were reading. If you ever bent down a harsh slap was felt over your ass.

You had eventually had enough and decided whatever was happening needed to be stopped. In hindsight, an Ouija board and a shady spell off some random pop-up websites may not have been your smartest idea but you were desperate at this point. You were going to keep this house ghost or not.

You followed the instructions to a T and looked around. Things didn’t seem any different, maybe you did it wrong or something. Then suddenly there was an overwhelming pressure in the room you could hardly breathe as you looked up.

There it was well He was fairly tall maybe just reaching 6 feet yet a bit more on the leaner side. His hair seemed fairly long reaching the bottom of his neck, it was quite messy though. His eyes looked tired and were an eerily shade of grey and they were looking at you with such adoration it made your body freeze in terror.

He reached out a long bandaged finger to trace over your cheek. “It actually worked” he whispered in disbelief his face lighting up in a lovesick way. He let out a soft laugh tilting his head to the side allowing you to see the red mark wrapped around his neck. He fully grabbed your face seeing your eyes focused on it. “Interesting isn’t it” he hummed “Seems that there’s always a reminder of the choices I’ve made”

He smiled pulling your frozen form closer to him. allowing his nose to nestle into your hair inhaling deeply before a shiver wracks his body.

“Not like I regret it, wouldn’t be able to meet a pretty little thing like you if I hadn’t” he whispers into your ear. His hand starts to wander across your body with a sudden vigor that brings you back to your senses.

“Wait let go of me, you were supposed to be gone now” you cry out as you struggle in vain. His grip tightened around you as he brought his hand down to tilt your face up. “Oh cmon don’t be like that love, you seemed perfectly fine with me doing it before” he leaned in a bit closer “I didn’t even make comments when I saw you taking care of yourself afterward” he laughed his head tilting to the side again.

“Don’t tell me it’s the appearance now love, and here I thought you were a kind soul” he smiled down at you letting out a soft hum before resuming his ministrations. “But of course, I know you’re better than that I’ve been watching you for a while” he let out an airy sigh letting his fingers run through your hair. “Now why don’t I show you just how much I love you, 25 years leaves you quite pent up you know”

His laugh echoes through the house as you think about whether the price of the house was worth this.

—

So yah I kinda just write of a song (swear by writing off of music) and yah umm thoughts?

-🎀

I like it! If you hadn't sent it to me and I randomly came across it I would fs read it.

Honestly im terrible a critique so ill give you ideas. You could make it where she fucks the ghost becuase everyone refuses to be around her and she's desperate for attention/validation/wtv.

Or if you wanna go the noncon route, he forces himself on her, she escapes when he's done. she wants to go to the police, but has to lie, becuase, its a fucking ghost, and in her mind they know nothing of this and wouldnt believe her. So she just says some guy broke into her house and raped her, but they know whats been going on and ignore her, saying she's lying ect ect. she tries to ask around but everyone ignores her, leaves before she can say anything, or tells her to go away. She's broke becuase all her money was for the house so she cant afford a hotel and she's forced to go home. She keeps trying to talk to the other people but they don't change, and eventually she gets tired of it, realizing he's the only one who cares about her, loves her, even.

[evertidings]

big brained anon here from a's most recent analysis. i have smth for rylan. rem when i said 'comfortable sharing trauma in jokes rather than in serious situations because they dont wan to face those feelings for a second time', well based on Rylan's lines on the game "if i told you all of my secrets, I wouldnt have any part of me left." my girl/boy/person has trust issues 100%. they think that if they smile, and are able to make jokes about certain situations that make them uncomfortable, they can grow comfortable with the situations, meaning that they can hide who they are from the public, after all "give them enough to form a relationship with you, but never enough to hurt you". They're exhausted by their own game that they're the only ones hurting themselves (self sabotage) at this point, but they're either not self aware enough to acknowledge that or bury their feelings so far down that they dont have to acknowledge being self aware enough. that's why they play the game they do, how far they can flirt with someone or make someone hate them before they pull away, as stated in the book. it's because they dont know how to be in tune with their own emotions, that playing this game with other people's emotions is the only way they can indirectly handle their own. playing this game with emotions is the only way they allow themselves to feel, but it ends in more self sabotage because they bury it again. also, you mentioned they havent let themselves cry in a while. probably because letting themsleves cry means they have to let out all the emotions they've been hiding over the years, but thats so scary for them, why should we confront something when we've been avoiding it for so long? this is so long, and i was gonna try to write more, but idk maybe not. hope im somewhere on the right path lmao

okay this one’s so interesting to me because like, it’s half right and half wrong. and maybe i’m gaslighting myself but i’m kinda happy you didn’t guess it all because it means Rylan’s still kinda a mystery, which, is what i want them to stay as. at least for now.

i’ll say that it’s the ‘playing with emotions’ bit is what’s wrong here. i’m sure it wasn’t your intention but it kinda makes Rylan seem like sadistic haha which, they’re not. they don’t enjoy hurting other people. if anything, they almost take pleasure in hurting themself? or, how do i explain this. you could almost say it’s their version of a test. they like seeing how far they can go as a way to see how far they’ve come in blocking off their emotions. they’re nowhere near emotionally constipated as K, but after being hurt in the past, they perceive caring for people as a crux, so they basically want to see if they’ve ‘improved’ on that front.

but yeah, it’s definitely self-sabotage. and they realize this, but they’ve accepted that’s what they need. they’ve trusted people and been betrayed—it’s not something they want to go through again. and these aren’t, like, small betrayals like hanging out without you. to Rylan, they’re life-changing and they’d rather run than go through that again.

but yes !! if you have more analyses i’d love to hear them <3

[lightyearssurrogatedaddy]

magine crying and you wanna tell one of your friends why uou're crying because you want a bit of comfort. But you're afraid of coming in at a bad time like that one time and feeling so guilty about it because they're going through something worse and you cant you CANT talk to anyone because youre afraid everyone else wonfmt get it or wont pay you any attention but you wanan talk to SOMEONE about how youre feeling but you CANT cus even if you were allowed to and didnt have any fear youd still say absolutely nothing.

Oooohhhh i dont wanna b a bother to anyone theyre all going through shit absolute garbage and i know they say it doesnt take energy to care about me i STIL dont wanna bothr them because what if i catch them at a rrally really really bad time or what if i text someome and they dont have an answer and ignore me and the next time they text theyre gunna skip over what i told them and theyre gunna talk.about something else else.

I want a hug hug i want aomeone to tell me its okay but thats way too much to ask from them i dont wanna be a bother i dont wanna be a worry but i kust talked to my therapist today after a month of not being able to chat and we had to do it over phone while my mom was nearby cus we live in the small ass bus and i cant ask her to go outside cus its 11 degrees and i feel like i didnt say enough and now i just really really want a someone but no i dont wanna bother them its late and theres scjool tomorrow and school sucks and i dont want them feeling like they need to cater to my stupid ass.

Im sorry im so so sorry theyre gunna read this sometime and say soemthing really nice but im not gunna read the message for five hours and maybe ill try avoiding it alltogether cus i dont know i dont know why cant you be mean like i expect you to why cant you yell and curse at me like i expect you to why are you so NICE to me.???? Nono i know why but why man. Why in a rhetorical sense. Why in the how do you have the fucking energy for me.

Im sorry. Im done crying. Oh god man its fine i got my favorite stuffed animal and everything

I want a hug can you give me a hug please. I feel so selfish and cruel. Im so scared youre gunna turn on me one day because nobody can be that genuine. Aint nobody in the fucking world who can be this sweet and silly. Im so waiting im so worried i dont ever want that to happen but i feel like it really might even though i know it wont. Why have you never let uour anger out on me even when i deserved it. Im sorry i didnt want to text about this im just hoping this post will stay buried, cus maybe it comforts me knowing it exists and could be discovered by you, but theres the happy chance you never ever see this and i get to not talk about it ever again. My wonderful schrodingers cat is such a comfort to me because then i dont have to worry about an outcome that im positive will happen. I love my maybes.

[loversj0y]

im crying over techno again (this is long and sad im sorry)

i miss him so much man. i hope he knows how much he did for all of us. ive been rewatching old wilbur videos and seeing him in them brings me so much bittersweet joy. he meant so much to all of us. i hope he knows the ways he changed us.

he was my final push to start streaming. i was inconsolable the night he died. the week after i kept thinking about how long i’d pushed off the idea because i simply didn’t think i had the time. something about losing someone that you even just perceive as being close to you gives such a shift in perspective that i figured at that point it’d be stupid not to. and the thing is, he was so incredibly supportive. of every last one of us. he always supported the people in his community.

its a big thing in my life honestly to live in his memory. usually people say stuff like that in a negative connotation but i dont think its negative. i hold his memory close to me as a reminder of the things that ive lost. and its a comfort in a sense to let his deadpan mockery push me to be better and to do things i might fear doing.

he has a space on my ofrienda. i pray to him in the same way i pray to all the family i have lost because even without knowing him personally, he welcomed us all enough to allow me to feel like there was a family with him when my own felt incendiary and volatile.

i think about the fact that lovejoy is playing a festival with the killers. its a festival im incredibly excited to go to, but on nights like this when im crying over a lost brother i never had, i feel saddened in knowing how much he would have loved to have seen it. i think he will be there, watching. but the feeling wont be the same. i think of how wilbur must feel. knowing that he’s playing a festival with the same band that he’s not only loved, but that he shared his love for with techno, to the point that it made such a strong lasting impression on techno. i hope he knows how proud techno is of him. i hope that if he stays to watch the killers perform, he feels techno with him. because i know he’ll be there.

i have a lot of thoughts on how much he meant to me, to all of us, and im kind of just pouring them out in a stream not unlike the tears that wont seem to stop tonight. if i can be honest, ive been avoiding a lot of stuff related to techno. i took a step back from everything as a whole because it hurt too much and i didnt know what to make of it, not really. i keep finding myself mourning how little time i got to have as an active techno watcher, given how recently i joined the fandom and such, but i also know i should rather feel thankful for every second that i got to have. i find myself avoiding a lot of mentions of technodad still. he’s lovely and he means so much to all of us, just like his son, but i cant help but feel my chest reopen each time i hear him speak about his son. ive seen the feeling of watching a person you love mourn a family member who was taken too young personally. ive seen it in my own family with my cousin, and it all feels so heavy. i know there is this narrative of being thankful for the time we had with a person. but i still consistently find myself balanced on the precipice of anger and acceptance. i dont struggle with bargaining or depression, let alone denial. i know hes gone. i know nothing will change that. but i also will never be content in feeling appreciative of the time we had because we could have had more time. even if it was just a. second more. it wouldnt change things but maybe it would ease the ache in my heart as i think on all of the people who loved him who will live past him, myself included.

i keep coming back to the song life worth missing by car seat headrest. i cant quite explain where i find the parallels but i feel it in this delicate balance that i find in the song. theres this delicate balance between grieving and losing yourself in grief and im not that sure that ive found it. for a control freak, one of the things that always has hurt me is my lack of control in death. i cant change it. and all i can control is the way to cope but i simply dont know how to do that. and the temperamental part in my head is the battle i find myself fighting because i know how he wouldnt want this. he wouldnt want the heavy grief but i dont know how to not feel it. i find myself feeling the heavy grief or essentially nothing at all.

and theres quiet, kind moments throughout it all. when i think maybe i can hold his memory and move with it. but those moments dont last long. but they mean more than any other part of this whole process. when i hear him in my head, making fun of me for not putting myself out there. when i feel him supporting me as i feel unstable and shaky. regardless of your thoughts on religion or my own, i know that he is there. whether it is real or it is in my head, both are substantial enough to give me faith. and isnt that religion in and of itself?

i know that all the things we wanted him to know, about how he changed us, how much he meant to us, all of it. i know that he knows them. but i still am allowed to mourn that we never got to feel him know them. am i allowed?

i think im allowed. i think he’d allow it. i think he’d understand.

because when i feel whatever sense might lie in my convoluted ideas of religion and my strong sense of morality, i know one thing above all.

that he understands.

[sleepy-achilles]

Could you possibly write a little fic of shawn being jealous of someone flirting with taker and claiming that taker was ONLY HIS TO FLIRT WITH

There’s only ever jealous taker fics but I just know shawn would be SEETHING with jealousy if someone tried flirting with his man

I can because I already love the idea of jealous lil Shawn and I have the perfect situation for it.

------------------------------------------------------------------

If the others didn't know about Shawn and taker, they were about too.

"You reckon we can work that into a story?" Kevin asks. "Yeah, I bet we can" hunter nods. "Shawn?" Kevin asks looking up. Hunter copy's and both men say nothing as shawn closes his fist around his water bottle, crushing it and spilling water everywhere. Everyone stops what their doing at the sound. Kevin stands and looks to see Shawn staring at the tv. "Oh.." Kevin mutters as Taker smirks at sable. John moves closer and looks. "Whats wrong?" He asks confused. Kevin pitied the poor newbies who didn't understand. They would soon. "Shawn.." Kevin tries. Goldust doesn't hesitate to turn the tv off. Shawn doesn't move. He doesn't even say anything.

"Is he blinking?" Jeff asks. "No honey. No he's not." Goldust answers. "Is he jealous? Does he like sable?" Jeff asks. No one responds. Jeff doesn't have to wait long because takers opponents are limping through the door and shortly after taker is following. Goldberg moves just in time to miss the crushed water bottle flying through the air. Taker raises an eyebrow as it hits his chest. He's mostly shocked at how much it hurt. But then he sees the person who threw it and is it makes sense. He used to play football (rugby but if I put that people will cry at me. Why call it football if your gonna carry the ball all game? And yet call the foot game soccer? Weirdos).

Shawn doesn't look at him, which makes the bottle thing a bit eerie. "We done using words these days?" Taker asks moving closer. "I don't know, who do I goto when the lockeroom leader is the one causing issues?" Goldust asks. Taker looks at him confused. Goldust nods towards the tv, plug still firmly in his hand. "Oh..." Taker mutters turning back too Shawn. "Your angry about that little thing?" Taker asks. That's when Shawn faces him. "Little thing?" Shawn asks quietly. "Shawn-" "LITTLE THING!" Shawn yells. Taker raises his hands slightly. "Asshole" Shawn growls before storming out. "Uhhh" Jeff looks at taker. Taker groans. "Shawn!" Taker calls running after the hot headed blonde. Hunter looks at kevin. "You know what that's about?" He asks. "Nope." Kevin denys a little too quickly.

----------

Shawn hated vinces parties. Sure, he loved them at one point. But now? He hates them.

John rushes over. "Cmon Shawn! Your missing all the fun." John smiles. "Im fine here kid" Shawn huffs. He's been doing a very good job at avoiding taker and some bright blue eyed newbie won't change that.

It changed that.

Shawn allows John to drag him towards the crowd and he's glad he did. His eyes burn into sable as she leans against takers arm, FEELING his arms and GIGGLING at him. Shawn, if he didn't respect women, would like to punch her right there and then. But, he's not that way. His mama didn't raise him to be like that. So he bites his tongue. Its not until taker smiles at her that he looses his shit.

"Enough!" Shawn barks. "Oh god.." Kevin mumbles into his drink. Taker looks at shawn. "Are you serious right now?" Shawn asks. "What?" Taker asks. "What? What! Your going to flirt with her right in front of me now? Doing it on live TV wasn't enough, you have to do it in person aswell?" Shawn demands. "Flirting? Shawn are you-" "if the word crazy leaves your mouth I'm going to loose my shit" Shawn warns. "So it was about you liking sable?" Jeff asks. "Liking me?" Sable asks confused. Her hand still on taker. Shawn moves forward and pulls taker away from her, standing between them.

"Touch him again and I will cut your fucking hands off" Shawn growls. "Oh..you were so wrong" John smirks holding his hand out. Jeff groans and hands him a fifty. "What?" Sable gasps. "Im serious. Flirt and fuck with any one else, he is mine. Not yours, keep away" Shawn tells her. "And that goes for all of you! I even see someone send him a flirty look I'm going to loose it" Shawn snaps. "Jesus, Shawn a word, now" Taker sighs pulling Shawn away from the crowd. Not that it matters, they all turn to watch anyways.

"Thats what's wrong? You think I care about sable flirting with me? Since when did you care about people flirting with me? You always let goldust-" "I used to let goldust." Shawn cuts in. "I care because your mine. Before we weren't a thing, I didnt have anything to loose. But you asked me out. We are boyfriends. I'm not loosing that for some prettier model" Shawn states crossing his arms. "Prettier model?" Taker asks confused. Shawn nods. "Shawn? Baby boy, you are so much more prettier. Your mine, you know I wouldn't go and bail on you like that after trying so damn hard to get you" Taker admits. Shawn frowns. "Its okay to be jealous aswell Shawn, I get jealous too, but just as we said, we gotta talk about it. Not just bottle it up" Taker tells him.

"I know. I feel stupid now. I guess 90s Shawn still lingers in my brain sometimes. He was a insecure little shit head." Shawn huffs. Taker leans down and kisses shawns temple. Ignore the whoops and cheers. "Would you really hurt someone for touching me?" Taker asks quietly. "Of course I would. It works both ways you know? Your mine, no one gets to touch you like that but me" shawn states. Taker chuckles and kisses him softly. "Mm I understand why you find jealous me so hot now." Taker murmurs. "Oh jealously can always look hot in the right relationships." Shawn smirks as he wraps his arms around takers neck. "How about we ditch this lame party...have our own?" Taker asks squeezing shawns hips. "Thought you'd never ask big boy" Shawn smirks.

------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm sorry this is short. I wrote this during my actual lunch break and didn't have long to do it. Hopefully, if people want more jealous hbtaker I can work on one during the weekend. (I don't work weekends, whoop whoop)

I kinda wanna do one with a man x man. Either Shawn jealous or taker so yk leave suggestions for that.

I sorta feel like they'd be different. Shawn would be short tempered and angry, threatening violence but never doing it because he's not actually angry he's just upset and hurt whilst taker would play the long game. Taker would be pissed and angry and violent. He'd wait to see it its a one time thing. If it is, he warns them to back off. If its not, he will get physical. Shawns his, no one else's.

[missdiorlly]

dry your tears, it isn’t a good look

i can’t allow myself to cry. i can’t allow my guards down. i’m only allowed when i or someone i love is close to death. the idea of people seeing me emotional alone makes me want to die. my image has become so important that it takes value over EVERYTHING. when me and my ex broke up, my first thought was “how does this impact my image.” i barely had enough space to mourn the relationship. all i cared about was what this made me look like. people would be speculating on why we broke up. was it her or him? i couldn’t have that. i avoided talking about it as long as i could and still barely recognize it. even when im drunk, which is the only time i allow myself to cry, i am careful to make sure i don’t smudge my makeup by carefully dabbling my eyes. it’s so engrained in me that even in my most vulnerable moments, it’s second nature. i know this will be the death of me, but i can’t stop.

[tyromonium]

Hey there

Im still struggling with thoughts of you, not because I miss you, hell no. I recently discovered I have proper PTSD from our relationship. The way you manipulated me, gaslit me, never allowed me to share my feelings and then got angry with me because I never shared them. But the thing that has impacted me the most is how you never wanted to hear "no" which lead to situations where when we'd meet for the first time, you made me feel terrible about not being sure about having sex already. So I just went along with it to avoid you getting angry or sad.The same when I was in Brighton with you, terribly ill and felt horrible, I told you I was really tired and didn't have energy, you continued. If I would say that I am a sexual assault victim, would you even think it would be because of you? I spent most of my life not feeling connected to people and feeling so incredibly lonely. Then you changed that, you were the one person I really felt connected to. Yet it was always me being there for you, never once, did you really WANT to be there for me. Fucking hell, when my mom got cancer, somehow I had to console you??? There was never any space for me or my problems. You either got angry with me for sharing them, you started crying because you would blame yourself or you'd just say it was bad timing. Never did it feel safe for me to share my problems. So I started hiding them, at first for you, but eventually for myself too. This al got hidden along with my feelings. So when I say that the day before I broke up with you, I didn't know that 24h later, I would. Thatd be true. It was only until the realization that "Oh shit, I do not want to feel this trapped and claustrophobic for the upcoming week with this person." So I broke up the following morning and wanted you gone. The feelings I hid, finally surfaced. And it was the feeling of being trapped for months. So emotionally trapped. A few months after we broke up we got into contact again, I thought I missed you, looking back, that's not really true. I missed feeling loved, and mostly, I missed feeling connection. But god knows, I did not miss you, or your selfish ways. Never once, wanting to think about my problems. Which showed beautifully when we started talking again and I said I wasnt doing well, at all. And your response? "Your problems are too exhausting for ME, so we need distance, lets talk once a month."Never heard from you since, not at the end of the month, not during the summer holiday when I got put into a mental institution because I was too much of a danger to myself, not when I got put onto meds again, not when I did half my school year because everything became too exhausting, not when I started a bunch of different therapies again, not when I needed someone the most. You abandoned me. The moment I stopped having room to try and "solve" your problems, as you always so angrily said, you dissapeared. You always said you were there for me, thats fucking bullshit, but I sometimes fear that you really believe it. That you're this lovely caring person who doesnt manipulate the people around them, and who is never able to be held accountable for their actions. Yes, you had a rough life, and there were a lot of things you'd not have been able to change, but fucking hell, learn how to handle yourself, as you just make everyone around you responsible for you and your problems, except yourself. Stop blaming your past for how you act. You're always accountable for your own behavior, stop playing the victim and grow up.

You abused me. You raped me. You left me for dead. I hope you realize that.

Tbh I just wanted to say this, maybe yelling it into the void, but I guess the chance that you can see this and hopefully change for the better and to prevent you not listening to "no" with more people. Do not see this as an excuse to reach out, I want nothing to do with you. Ever.

[thatonesystemig]

Im tired of fighting. I have to fight every single day to get out of the chair i sleep on when i do sleep. I have to fight to stay awake for days just so i wont see horrifying memories and thoughts in my nightmares. Tbh i think if nightmare meds ain’t helping they may classify as night terrors idfk.

I wish I didn’t have to sleep in the chair. Well I don’t have to but I’ve been kicking and punching my fiance in my sleep from the fucking nightmares. Fighting off the people in it when I couldn’t fight them off when it happened.

I hate having did. I hate that it makes me vulnerable around people that will abuse that shit and idk who to fucking trust anymore. I’m even having trouble trusting my fiance and my new family despite them treating me better than anyone else has ever done, being so patient with me and understanding.

I’ve been avoiding staying at home because i cant fucking let anyone see me like this. What if it happens again. What if i switch again and cant control it again and im fucking taken advantage of again.

I trusted them with my whole soul and it still fucking happened and I didn’t even fucking remember everything until way later and i fucking hate myself for it. At least i know the did isn’t just in my head but holy fucking shit.

Its my own damn fault for thinking i could trust anyone to be around me when im that fucked in the head and unable to control myself

I hate living with all these fucking disorders if I wasn’t so fucked up in the head and hadn’t been so weak and vulnerable it wouldn’t have happened.

I can never allow myself be that vulnerable again.

But god im so tired of being strong. I just want to cry around the people that care. I want to open up to them and lean on them and have them shower me in all the love they’ve showered me with when i was going through psychosis. but. Im so afraid. Instead i bitch here.

Besides, leaning on people too much was what made them resent me and see me as this monster.

This is what i get for putting the stress on someone else to fix me when I couldn’t fix myself

Now i have to fix myself.

But at least this whole situation has given me the drive to do so. I’m able to mask better.

But im falling apart in the process. I smoke about a pack a day since i cant smoke weed to numb myself anymore.

I’m getting legally married on Friday if shit happens like it’s supposed to. I’m supposed to be starting college for graphic design this fall. I have a lot to look forward to. But the pain from the trauma makes me constantly wonder what the point in living is if i constantly have to keep my head occupied just so the flashbacks and thoughts don’t set in.

Like what’s the point in living if it’s just constant suffering lmao. Whats the point in living if i cant even be myself around the people i love out of fear anymore. Fear of resentment, getting taken advantage of, being given up on yet him forcing himself to stay with me out of obligation.

Fake it till you make it ig amirite

Someone please tell me it’ll get easier. I know it wont but the lies would comfort me right now because maybe i can convince myself it’s true. Idk.

[spidercookie18]

I'm having a crisis. And im going to talk about wanting to die.

Know first that no matter how scary this post may be, I've moved past seriously attempting to unalive. I promise I have a support group, and this is not anything like that.

It is 5 a.m. when I started writing this. I woke up crying, and now im worried I'm gonna be having an existential crisis for the next few days til I can get my head on straight.

I. Am.... turning 24 in less than 3 months. And I am freaking the fuck out about it. I woke up with my ears ringing in pain, my joints aching, and my stomach and head killing me. Yes, I did it to myself, but that's not the point.

I realized, now that I am going to be.... living past my 'expiration date', that I have to live inside this body. And to live inside this body is painful.

Now that my life plans don't stop at 24, I don't know what to do.

For the longest time, it was: who cares if - - - -, I'll be dead at 24.

And now, that's not the case.

Now, I have people in my life who love me, and that would not survive hearing I died. I've never had that before, and I've never had people to live for before. It's terrifying.

This is both the best and the worst feeling in the world... to know that I get to live for them and that I'm not allowed to die.

Now that my plans include growing old, which is such a WEIRD fucking thought for me. I mean fuck, I've tried to die and begged for death for so many years. I can still feel the pain of my kidneys shutting down, and now I take daily vitamins to stay 'healthy'????

FUCK

No one ever talks about how FUCKING ODD life is after ';'

They just tell you.... fuck, they don't tell you. People have always avoided talking about this. They just talk about how 'greateful they are to be alive' and all the bullshit about how great life is!

And it is, but it's also, it is terrifying. I go to work and talk and smile to people in passing glances. I have a regular, schmegular life, and in the back of my mind when having a conversation about something so insignificant like "do you like pineapple on your pizza?" While I'm thinking about how I thought about walking into traffic that morning.

YES I DO LIKE PINEAPPLE ON MY PIZZA, AND I CAN EAT WHAT THE FUCK EVER I WANT NOW BECAUSE ME AND MY BODY DESERVE GOOD THINGS!

...I'm looking at all the scars on my body and... idk man, I don't hate them anymore, but I wish I had been kinder to myself. When I think about making new ones I just have some water and a granola bar instead.

Such a stupid fucking internal dialog too 'hey you wanna do something bad to your body?' "Nah, lets have a snack instead" lmao

And 90% of the time, it actually works!

I love my support group, and I know I stress them out. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to say they were loved. I mean, my friends are flying into town for my "congrats on beating your record for consecutive days alive" birthday party 😂 and ik its gonna make a lot of people uncomfortable, but its not for them. I like living for me.

Anyways... Now that my plans include growing old, I have to take care of my body. And I'm so fucking excited to grow old that I can't even express it in words. I get to live and watch my friends live. I can have a family and make it as big as I want, fill it with all the love and kindness the world never showed me. I want that. And I am so excited to experience the days as they come. I'm ready to be the kindness for others that no one was for me.

I still think about it all the time. And sometimes, it's really hard to push those thoughts away. Some days, it still feels like I'm drowning. Some days, I think how easy it'd have been if the thoughts had won.

And other days, I get to smile at strangers, or have a yummy drink, or feel the warm Sun on my skin in the cool autumn breeze, or eat sushi, or gossip with someone that loves me. Hell, even getting to write the damn stupid vampire fanfics is a good day for living, lol.

I am so excited to help other people live, too...

But also, fuck. Now I have to take care of myself??? It's not just "dang, i got tenitus?" *shrugs in suicide*

GAH

But also, yay. Lol.

Life is so fucking weird man. But it's good to be alive. 🩷

[notgonnashutup]

Go through your list and choose the person who feels the most “hot” to you. Write out an answer to each of the following questions for that person. When you have the time, return to this list and complete the following questions with everyone you’ve listed.

What do I resent this person for? W for not calling me back when she said she would, and never hearing from her again. Ar for crushing on me when married and me only finding out at the end by ar telling me we can't be friends anymore. Na for saying she loved me then later telling me she didn't after all. Ad for not really caring about me and throwing away promises over immature fears I'd be mad.

What can I be responsible for in this situation? In situation of W I was responsible for being clingy when it was clear w was not making much efforts to see me, to put effort into the friendship, and I could have decided I wanted fair friendships and let it end as the effort dried up. Ar my part was I still harbored a tiny crush and didn't need to have any hopes up of anyone liking me. I also feel i could have stood up for myself when Ar told me all this, if I'd wanted answers. I think Ar would have been kind and told me more if I'd asked. But I wasn't prioritizing myself. Na I think i did what I could right. I think if anything I was scared to be too vulnerable or to ask nq to be vulnerable and because of that I avoided us building much intimacy. I allowed myself to hold her at arms length so she only could feel that close or less. She couldn't love me anyway because I was showing mostly my good side or entertaining side. Not the side of me that's tired, frowns, wants to come and cry and be alone together, wants to bitch about someone im mad at. Wants to vent my past. Wants to ask for soup when I'm sick. And ad well. Ad is younger, can't fall in love. I did not need to treat a friendship so romantically in my head I did not need to believe I could trust any more than another casual friend. At the time I belieged gifts meant care. But again its actions that matter. Did they tell me their real feelings or was it like Whitney's because and diffuse the personal question. Did ad really write stories for me or help me with my stories much or just talk when it suited their interests. I clung to someone with similar hobbies and that's fine for a hobby friend. But i hoped something more emotionally intimate existed when I did not see such actions really. I just hoped gifts meant the same thing and got my hopes up.

In what ways can this experience help me to become a more mature person? I learned from W at a certain point I should let people go, I should expect equal treatment to me as I treat others, I should expect respect.

What lessons did I learn?

What good can come of this situation? A lot of good came from this situation, I'm no longer in an unhealthy relationship with W and no longer changing my life to be with her when our life goals were different.

What have I been unwilling to accept about this situation? I have been unwilling to accept that she said she loved me for years, while not treating me equally.

What can I now let go of so the situation is complete? I can let go of the need for answers or an apology. I understand we were both young. And I realize actions are clear and I always ignored her actions and clung to any little thing I could to try and keep us together. We might not even have become best friends if I hadn't clung so hard, shecalready had Chris. I might have fostered more better friendships and romantic relationships if I'd spent more time with people who put effort into our relationships. I forgive myself for clinging to something that didn't invest in me and care for me. I want her to be happy with what and who she wants. I want to let go and be happy with people who want me and choose me and show it with action. I forgive Whitney and release her from any debt or owing me. I put myself into that situation deeper for years. I was responsible in my own part. I forgive her.

Write a letter to someone you are ready to forgive. In the letter, write about the resentment you felt from the perspective of what you can be responsible for. How did you yourself create the situation? How did the situation help you to grow and mature? What lessons did you learn? What good came out of the situation? Declare the situation complete by stating your willingness to forgive this person and release them from the debt you’ve thought they’ve owed you