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nazario-sayeed · 5 years

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Afterglow (Ethan x F!MC)

A/N: This is probably the most challenging fic I've written to be honest, mostly because I had to write a character that doesn't exist and that's hard. I'm satisfied with the result though. I got the idea after the open heart team said something about new characters we're meeting in book 2. As the name implies, it was heavily inspired by the song Afterglow by Taylor Swift. I had a whole ass playlist for this fic but that song was my main inspiration. English is not my first language. Tag list is under the cut.

WC: 4950 (sorry about that)

Rating/ warnings: Angst, alcohol abuse, mention of sex (nothing explicit), jealously uhhh i think that's it

Masterlist

"Sienna, thank god I found you! I've been looking all over for you"

"Are you okay? What happened?" Sienna was confused to see Lexie almost running into the locker room, out of breath.

"I'm fine, but... something weird happened." she paused. "You know Dr. Marino, right?"

Dr. Leonardo Marino was invited by Dr. Banerji to spend one week working with the diagnosis team in Edenbrook. He was brilliant, charismatic... and incredibly handsome. A significant amount of the hospital staff had spent the whole week making heart eyes at him. They weren't to blame, though: he had a bronze skin, dark eyes, a perfectly cut hair, an undeniable gorgeous face that looked like it was sculpted by Aphrodite herself and an italian accent that made most people melt.

"Yeah, of course. What about him?"

"Uh, he kinda asked me out?" Lexie said, not sure it had really happened. Sure, they had been working together all week and got along pretty well. She noticed he was specially friendly to her- but she thought it was just his personality.

"Oh my god, Lexie!" Sienna screamed and grabbed Lexie's arms, beaming. A few curious heads turned to them, and Sienna giggled. She continued in a quieter tone. "What did you say?"

"I said yes" Lexie said with a smirk.

"Really? Oh Lexie I'm so happy for you!" Sienna hugged her roommate, before stepping back back and biting her lip with hesitation.

"What is it? Why did you make that face?"

"I really am happy for you, don't get me wrong, but I thought you weren't over… you know" she didn't say his name nor she had to. Lexie knew who she was talking about, of course. Ethan freaking Ramsey. Lexie sighed.

"I'm not over him. You know that. But I can't let it keep holding me back, can I? Besides, Dr. Marino is leaving town in a couple of days. It's just casual." She said, leaning back against a locker. They both knew Lexie was hurting more than she let on. Sienna decided not to say anything.

"I hope you have a great time. He's a catch, Lexie! Tell me everything when you get home, okay?" They hugged and Sienna went home, leaving Lexie to get ready for her date.

It had been a while since Ethan and Lexie had decided they couldn't keep seeing each other. It wasn't much of a decision, honestly. After both of them went back to Edenbrook, Ethan simply pretended nothing had happened between them, so she had no choice but to follow his lead.

That didn't mean it was easy for her, or that she didn't miss him. Because she did. But she couldn't do anything about it and Ethan kept pretending everything was fine. If it wasn't for a few pained looks she sometimes caught him giving her, she would've thought he was indeed fine.

So she kept trying to move on, even if all she wanted was to run to him and tell how she truly felt. Getting ready for her date and pretending to be excited for it was just one of her ways of pretending she had moved on.

Lexie and Leonardo had agreed on meeting at Donahue's after work, so it wasn't like there was too much Lexie could do to get ready. She was wearing the clothes she had worn when she left her apartment that morning and just a bit of makeup to at least seem like she had made an effort. As she crossed the door to the bar, she realized she was feeling really numb about it. She wasn't nervous or excited at all.

Leonardo was already waiting for her in a booth. He smiled when he saw her, and got up to greet her.

"Hi, Lexie. You look beautiful" he leaned over and kissed her on both cheeks, and she blushed even if she didn't mean to. She wasn't used to his warmth.

"Oh, thank you Dr. Marino." she sincerely doubt she looked beautiful after a 12 hour shift, but she wasn't going to argue with him.

"We're outside the hospital, you can call me Leo." he said with a smirk.

"Right. Sorry, Leo" she smiled and they sat down, facing each other.

As he ordered them drinks, she realized she was nervous after all. But only because she had no idea of how the date was gonna go. She didn't know what were his expectations or if she could meet them.

Things went really smooth, to her surprise. The conversation didn't feel forced, and he was a very nice and smart man. But that was it. No butterflies on her stomach, no accidental touches that made her heart jump out of her chest. No chemistry. She knew a lot of men and women who would love to be in her place, but she wasn't feeling anything at all. Leonardo was being respectful but flirty, smiling at her, trying to make her laugh and even gently touching her hand once or twice. One of the most handsome men she had ever met was trying his best to please her and there was only one thing on her mind: He is great, but he is not Ethan.

After a couple of hours of talking and a few drinks, she excused herself and went to back of the room where the bathrooms were. She wanted to splash some water on her face or text Sienna- just an excuse to leave the table for a few minutes.

She leaned against the sink and pulled her phone out of her pocket.

'its not going great tbh. hes fine but im not feeling it'

'im sorry :( does that mean you are coming home soon? we can open a bottle of wine and talk about it'

'sounds tempting. i'll hang here for a while but i think i might leave soon. gtg now, bye'

'good luck!! :)'

Hanging with Sienna sounded more fun that staying at the bar. She should make up some excuse and just leave.

Lexie rubbed her hands on face and closed her eyes, letting out a long sigh.

"What is wrong, Anderson? The date isn't going well?" she heard his voice and froze. When she opened her eyes, Ethan was standing by one of the men's stalls.

"Dr. Ramsey? I didn't know you were here at the bar, I...I didn't see you." She said, feeling her heart beat faster than it had all night. Pathetic.

"I was at the back when you arrived to your date" He couldn't hide the bitterness on his voice when he said the word date. He looked… off.

"Um, are you okay?"

"I'm fantastic." when he moved closer to wash his hands on the sink she could smell the alcohol on his breath. It all made sense.

"Dr. Ramsey, you're drunk!" she blurted out and it sounded more like an accusation than she intended to. He simply snickered.

"I did drink a lot of scotch. I guess I am." he said with fake amusement, drying his hands on his pants.

Lexie bit her lip, nervous and not sure of what she should do. Ethan being drunk on a Thursday night on a bar where most of his coworkers liked to hang was a bad idea to say the very least. It could damage his reputation- he wasn't a young, careless intern anymore and he shouldn't act like one. But he is not my problem, she thought to herself.

"You should go home, Dr. Ramsey" she said, trying to not stand too close. Even with all the scotch, if she got too close she could still smell something that was so uniquely him. Sometimes, she would walk by him at the hospital and smell his cologne- then all she could think about was his smell on her sheets after their last night together. It was hard to focus on anything else when that happened.

"I can't. Reggie took my keys after my third glass."

"Then grab a taxi or an uber" she nervously glanced at her watch. She should really get back to Leo, but she shouldn't leave Ethan like this. She couldn't.

"Go, Anderson. You don't want to worry your date. And you certainly don't have to worry about me." she could hear the hostility on his voice and it hurt her more than she thought it would. Apparently drunk Ethan was more of an idiot than regular Ethan.

He walked away and she could see him stumbling on his feet. She mentally cursed him and walked back to her table, where Leonardo was sitting with a new drink and a concerned face. He certainly had seen Lexie and Ethan leaving the bathroom basically together. He noticed the hesitant look on her face.

"Is everything okay?"

"Not exactly. Dr. Ramsey is drunk and I… I can't leave him like this. I need to drive him home, I'm so sorry." she tried to look guilty. The disappointment on his face was clear, although he tried to hide it.

"Oh. I understand. I'm sorry too." he smiled sadly.

She squeezed his hand softly, not sure what to do, then simply turned back and walked to where Ethan was sitting at the bar- with another glass of scotch on his hands. Lexie took it out of his hands. He turned to her, looking angry.

"What are you doing?" he tried to reach his glass but his reflexes were too slow, so she easily dodged him.

"Reggie, can I have his keys? I'm taking him home." the bartender looked grateful as he handed her the keys and took the glass from her hand.

"I don't need a babysitter, Anderson. Go back to your date and leave me alone" Ethan said, sounding exactly like a stubborn baby.

"Well, you're certainly acting like a child. Let's go, Dr. Ramsey" she was getting annoyed at his behavior. He reluctantly got up and headed for the door, not even looking back. She sighed and followed him. As she stepped outside, the cold Boston wind hit her and she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to create some heat.

Lexie looked around for Ethan and found him already walking- no, stumbling to the hospital. She had no option but to follow him.

They walked in silence to his car on Edenbrook's parking lot and quickly got inside the car, turning the heat on as she drove away to his house. The silence was far from comfortable, so she decided to just say what was on her mind knowing she might regret it in the morning.

"What the hell was that, Ethan? Are you trying to ruin your reputation?" she was almost yelling at him. She had her eyes on the road, but he could see her face turning red.

"I'm off the clock, Anderson. I don't own explanations to anyone about what I do outside the hospital, much less to you"

"Well, the next time you decided to act like a drunk asshole, you should at least do it at a bar that isn't literally 5 minutes away from where you work! Are you really that blind that you can't see how much this could hurt your image? Or are you just that stubborn?" there was no hiding the frustration on her voice now. Her knuckles were white where she gripped the steering wheel.

"I don't need your advice on how to manage my image or my career, Anderson" He spit back at her.

"Fine. You do whatever you want. Why should I give a shit, right? You know what you're doing." she laughed bitterly. Lexie could feel angry tears threatening to form in her eyes and didn't even know why. She bit her lips trying to hold it back- she didn't want to make it all worse by crying. He crossed his arms and didn't say anything else.

The few minutes that it took her to drive to his apartment felt like hours.

As they got out of the car, he was a little less drunk- just enough to feel slightly guilty, but not enough to walk straight. Lexie was still feeling mad, but as she took in the shape he was in, she decided she would let herself feel angry tomorrow. Tonight, she needed to help him.

"Come on, let's get you home" she surprised herself and him with her gentle voice.

"I can get to my apartment just fine, you should go." he tried to argue but his slow voice betrayed him, and he found himself leaning against her shoulder for support.

"I'll go as soon as you're asleep on your bed with a bottle of water and some aspirin on your nightstand" she said, which made him chuckle.

Lexie had to almost drag him to the elevador. She was trying not to think too hard about where his body was touching hers, or that she could so clearly smell his cologne. Her heart skipped a few beats. To feel him so close to her was the best and worst kind of torture at the same time. She couldn't help but remember what had happened when she was at his apartment a few months ago.

Jenner bounced on them as soon as they went through his apartment door- it was almost enough to knock Ethan off his feet. He calmed the dog down and went straight to his bar, grabbing a bottle of scotch.

"Ethan, what the hell do you think you're doing?" she asked in shock.

"Just one more glass. Will you join me?" he didn't even bother using a glass and took a big gulp straight from the bottle.

"Ethan, please, just go to sleep." Lexie was almost begging him. She just wanted to get away from there, get way from him. It was too much.

She tried to reach the bottle but he dodged her. His eyes were kinda red and his hair was a mess- but he kept drinking.

“Why are acting like such an idiot today?!” she yelled in frustration, covering her face with her hands.

“Because seeing you on a date with someone else drove me fucking insane, okay?” he yelled back, feeling as shocked with his own words as she looked. She just froze.

“What?” her voice broke.

“You want to know why I’m being such an idiot? Because I can’t stand to see you on a date with someone that isn’t me. That’s why. I wanted to punch his face every time he touched your hand, or when he said something that made you laugh. But I couldn’t do it, so I just drank” his voice was a mix of anger and hurt, and every single word felt like a slap to her face. But her surprise soon was replaced by rage.

“You don’t have the right to get mad over who I go out with! You were the one who chose to act like nothing had happened between us for months, you were the one who didn’t even give us a chance! You think you have the right to feel anything when you see me with another man? Because let me tell you something: you don’t! It was your choice to walk away, it was your choice not to fight for us, it was your choice to leave me.” her voice broke and she had to stop and take a breath, trying to hold back the tears. Before he could say something, she continued “You don’t get to drink your ass off and act like a jerk when I’m doing what I can to try and get over you. I only went on date with him because you chose not to be there for me, Ethan.”

When she finally stopped yelling, the tears had found a way to spill from her eyes even if she had tried to fight them. It felt so good to get it all out of her chest, but it also hurt so fucking much. She tried to stop the tears from falling even more but she didn’t seem able to, so she simply turned back and grabbed his kitchen counter as support. She felt pathetic and weak as she literally sobbed on his kitchen.

Ethan stood frozen in place for a few seconds, letting the truth of what she had said wash over him.

"You think I don't know that? You think I haven't been missing you ever since I went back to Edenbrook?" his voice broke the momentarily silence between them. He sounded so vulnerable. "Lexie, I don't regret most decisions I've made, but I do regret letting you go."

She quickly wiped her tears and sniffed once more before turning back to look at him. Those ocean blue eyes would be the death of her. When she spoke, her voice was merely a whisper.

"So why did you?" Of course she knew why. She had gone over the reasons why on her head over and over again. He was her boss, it was complicated and unethical, blah blah blah. She knew that. But she also believed that if he really wanted to be with her like she wanted to be with him, they would find a way.

"I don't know." his mind was still foggy. At that moment, he couldn't believe he had ever let her walk away. All the reasons seemed so stupid.

"Ethan, I think I should go, I…" the tears were threatening to come back and she didn't want him to see her crying because of him again.

"Christ, this isn't a conversation I wanted to have drunk." he said more to himself than to her. He rubbed his hands over his face and took a deep breath, looking at her again. "Look, Lexie, I don't know why I let you go. I was too stubborn, I was focusing on the wrong things… I thought it was the right move when in fact it was nothing but a mistake. But you know that I never make the same mistake twice." he walked slowly to where she was- partly because he didn't want to scare her off, partly because he didn't trust his drunk legs. She was standing frozen and he gently caressed her cheek with one of his hands. "Don't leave me again. I'm sorry, Lexie. Please stay."

Her face betrayed her surprise and pain. It was all she had wanted to hear for the past months and yet she felt her heart break into a million piece. Even though everything in her mind told her to turn back and leave, she couldn't. It was a treacherous situation, but she knew she would do anything he asked her. Instead of leaving, she leaned into his touch.

He moved his head towards hers but instead of kissing her, he touched his forehead to hers, She gently removed his hand from his face and brought it to her lips, placing a soft kiss to the back of it.

"We don't have to make any promises today, okay?" she whispered and he simply nodded. She smiled and stepped back, clutching his hand on hers. She was afraid that if she let it go, he might not come back.

"Come here." She led him to his suite and as they crossed his room to go to the bathroom she tried not to think too hard about the things they had done on that bed, even if she hadn't been thinking about anything else for months.

She sat him down at his toilet turned the shower on. She stood in front of him and slowly helped him out of his clothes, letting her fingers softly graze his body as she undressed him. It wasn't a sensual touch or anything- she just needed to feel his skin under her fingertips to make sure he was real, to make sure the whole thing wasn't some kind of twisted dream.

She stood up and looked down at him: drunk out of his mind, naked, looking more vulnerable than she ever remembered seeing him, and looking up at her with those ocean blue eyes full of… something she couldn't quite place, but she knew it was a good something. She smiled down at him and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. He leaned into her touch.

"Lexie... I'm sorry I was such an ass today. I'm sorry you have to see me like this." his voice was broken. All at once, she forgot any anger she had felt that night. She only wanted to be there for him, she wanted that moment to last forever- both of them letting their feelings for each other show, standing vulnerable in his bathroom with the steam from the hot water surrounding them, making everything look almost ethereal.

"It's okay. Don't worry about it. Let me take care of you now, okay?" her voice was so soft she didn't even recognize it. Ethan closed his eyes and simply nodded.She leaned down and placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, trying to let some of her affection for him translate into that touch. His breath caught in his throat.

She helped him get inside the shower but as she was trying to leave him- she wasn't sure of where they stood at that point, but she didn't want to push him too far- he grabbed her hand.

"Can you stay, please? Just… stay." he pleaded. Anything, she thought, I will do anything you ask me to.

"Of course. Just give me a minute okay?" she smiled at him and he nodded, sitting down on the bench on his shower wall and letting the water pour over him. She stepped out and peeled off her clothes, taking a moment to fathom the whole situation. Was it really happening?

She stepped back into the shower and smiled shyly at him. The weirdest thing was that there was no sexual energy in the air. She couldn't quite describe what was happening at that moment, but it felt almost pure. They were both vulnerable, and open, and just there. Letting go.

They stood there in silence- he sitting on the bench, and she taking care of him- but it wasn't uncomfortable like inside the car. It was peaceful. Lexie helped him wash his hair, his body, wash away the alcohol and the regret. Suddenly, one word came to her mind: intimacy. That was what she was feeling at that moment, it was the energy surrounding them. He had literally been inside of her, but in that moment she felt closer and more connected to him than ever before. For the first time that night everything felt so simple. They could almost forget all the complications attached to their relationship. In that moment, none of that mattered.

He finally stood in the shower, facing her. She looked up at him and felt her heart skip a beat as he brushed one hand over her cheek.

"Thank you, Lexie" he whispered, then leaned down to press his forehead to hers. She knew where this was going.

"Ethan, we shouldn't..." she whispered back, her throat closing. She couldn't go through this again, she couldn't. She had said to him they didn't need to make any promises that night- but if they kissed, there was no going back for her. She didn't know what she would do if he leaned in but she also didn't know what she would do if he pulled back.

He moved his face lower and pressed a kiss to where her neck met her shoulders, making her hold back a small moan.

"I'm so sorry, Lexie. I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I was an ass today. I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm just sorry" he said, his voice cracking. She couldn't tell if the drops she felt on her shoulder were from the shower or his eyes.

"It's okay. I'm here" she said softly, wrapping her arms around him. His lips moved up again and slowly found hers in the most perfect kiss she could imagine. It was slow, soft, vulnerable and intimate. It wasn't a kiss like the ones they shared before. It was a quiet answer to all of their doubts.

God, she had missed those lips, those hands on her body, his taste- even if she could only taste the scotch. She had missed him.

Eventually, they broke apart. She was smiling despite of herself, but he looked serious. With their hands still around one another, she asked:

"Is everything alright?" she didn't want to admit that she was afraid of the answer. She couldn't have her heart broken by him again.

"Lexie, what is this for you?" he asked with a serious tone.

"What do you mean?"

"This. Us."

Oh. She wasn't expecting that question right away. She searched his eyes and found that he didn't look drunk at all anymore.

"It's… I don't know, Ethan. It's not casual, that much I know. It's something I've been wanting even before we first kissed and haven't stopped wanting ever since." she admitted. She couldn't put into words exactly what they were for her, but her answer was as close as it could get. He seemed relieved.

"That's good to hear. You know me, you know these things aren't easy to me. I know this is too much to ask this soon, but I just needed to know if we are on the same page." he smiled and kissed her cheek. She was naked in the shower with him- the same man she had sex with twice- but that kiss on the cheek was what made her blush.

They took their time finish their shower; washing each other and getting lost in gentle kisses. The kind of closeness they experienced in that moment had nothing to do with sex; it felt somehow even more deep and intimate.

After Lexie dried herself and put on one of his bath robes, she went searching for her phone and found it under her clothes on Ethan's bathroom floor. There were multiple texts from Sienna; it was only then that she realized how long it had been since she told her roommate she was leaving the bar- and she never made it home. She discreetly closed the bathroom door and dialed her number. Sienna picked up after a couple of rings.

"Lexie, where the hell are you?" she sounded so concerned, which made Lexie feel guilty.

"I'm so sorry, I forgot to call you. Tonight was eventful, Sienna. But I'm fine."

"What do you mean with that? Where are you? Why are you whispering?"

"I'm whispering because I'm in Ethan's bathroom, wearing his robe and I don't want him to hear me" she whispered furiously. There was a long silence on the other side of the call.

"Oh. Are you spending the night?" Sienna asked; Lexie could almost hear the grin on her voice.

"I think so. Yes. I'm not sure what's going on right now, but I'm fine and I have to go. I just needed to let you know that I'm alive, okay? I'll tell you all about it when I get the chance"

"Okay, sure. I'm just glad you're okay. Have fun and stay safe" Sienna said with a giggle and Lexie rolled her eyes.

"I'm going to ignore that. Bye, Sienna, I'll talk to you later" Lexie ended the call with a silly smile on her face, then returned to Ethan's room where he was waiting for her sitting on his bed, also wearing a robe.

"Who was that on the phone?" he asked with a smirk.

"You heard that, huh?" Lexie walked to the bed and laid down, propping her head on an elbow and looking at him.

"The walls are thin, and your whispers aren't as quiet as you think"

"It was Sienna. She was worried about me."

It was his time to lay down, mirroring her position and looking at her as well.

"And what did you say?"

"I told her the truth." Lexie reached between them and laced his fingers with hers. "That I'm fine and that I'm here. Is that okay?"

He gently stroked his thumb on her hand, smiling softly.

"I assumed you would have to have a conversation with Dr. Trinh and Dr. Greene after they caught me sneaking out of your room."

"Elijah pretended it didn't happen, but I did talk to Sienna. She's been there for me those months we've been apart. She knows exactly how hard it was for me when we had to end things, how hard it had been for me to even try to move on." She mentioned it casually, but his eyes filled with sorrow.

"Lexie, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I pushed you away when I should've fought for us, I'm sorry I distanced myself from you these past months. I'm mostly sorry that I hurt you." he moved his hands to her face, pushing the hair on her face behind her ear. "It kills me to hear you say how hard it's been for you and know it was my fault. But I want to fix that, okay? I’m here now.”

“Ethan, I understand why you did it. We can’t act like this isn’t complicated, because it is. But we can try to make it better, and we can try to make it work. Together.”

She closed the distance between them with a kiss that felt like a promise.

That night, they fell asleep together, naked, side by side, with a million different challenges and promises hanging between them. But, for that night, they chose to ignore everything else and just focus on the feeling of being in each other's arms once again.

---

tagging: @bryceslahelas @lahelalove @donutsgirl36 @queenkaneko @msjpuddleduck @niaellariious @flyawayboo @brightpinkpeppercorn @jlpplays1 @desiree---1986 @embarrassingsmartphonegame @mfackenthal @cerisesayeed-ramsey @chasingrobbie @a-i-n-a-a-s-h @akacalliope @perriewinklenerdie @lastfirstcupcake @sparklinglilac @sofreakingdonewiththeworld @makingbadchoices @isabella-choices (let me know if you want to be added/removed from my tag list)

#choices fanfiction #open heart #ethan x mc #ethan ramsey #dr ethan ramsey #fanfic #fanfiction

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an-avid-reader · 4 years

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The Hate U Give - Angie Thomas

my rating: 5/5 stars

On the night of a party gone wrong in Garden Heights, or “the hood”, Starr and her childhood best friend, Khalil, drive away only to be stopped by a white police officer. Khalil, unarmed, gets shot right in front of Starr’s eyes. Alas, Starr’s worlds—Garden Heights and Williamson, a predominantly white prep school—collide as word of Khalil’s death spreads and she is the only witness. Will Starr be able to bring justice to Khalil via riot and protests, or will he be remembered as a drug dealer and a thug?

"Funny how it works with white kids though. It's dope to be black until it's hard to be black"

Link to Goodreads || Spoiler-free review

A few things to check out:

Dear White People (Netflix)

When They See Us (Netflix)

Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race (Book)

A list of places to donate to / one YT video if you’re unable to donate

Here’s a post that is much more comprehensive

let me know if any of the links don’t work, I will update them :)

There’s a reason why this book has quite a few awards on the front—this book covers what some may consider a “taboo” topic aka racism, but it’s an issue. I’m writing this review slightly earlier than before I’m posting it, but right now the current news is about George Floyd’s death, which is arguably more brutal than what happened in this book, but the fact that some police officers still think race has something to do with one’s intentions is outrageous and disgusting. Even in Canada, there have been instances of racism across history (spoiler: Canada isn’t a ‘saint nation’, even though the population is very diverse).

For these reasons, I think this book, while it is triggering, I think it should be fit into the curriculum for students to read so that they may be educated on racism, and how it can literally kill others, as well as to try and dismantle the systematic racism that is imposed on us from a young age. I can never sit here and tell you that I can experience what Starr went through (or what any POC—black or otherwise—has ever been through), I can only educate myself and emphasize with what’s been said/done to you—please call me out if I’ve said something that may be offensive and feel free to correct me if I’ve said anything wrong.

Alright now on with the book review! This book is so raw and powerful, Thomas does a great job of describing the scenes and the emotions Starr goes through during each scene. We get to see how she feels about dating a white boy while being black herself, how her neighbourhood is beautiful despite it being described as the hood, we also get to see how Starr’s demeanor completely changes while she’s at school vs when she’s visiting her family. While Thomas’ writing may be simple, she does a great job of capturing those moments and the emotions tied within the scene.

As we get to see Starr becoming a witness and taking legal action, I wasn’t sure where the story was headed. Would Khalil get justice and would the cop go to jail? How would Starr’s mental health be affected? Will her family be okay? (Don’t you just love it when there’s so much more conflict in the story that needs to be resolved and yet there are only 2 chapters left) Etc. etc. The thing about The Hate U Give is that there are multiple story lines, which help to drive the story forwards. Those plotlines didn’t feel out of place or forced—everything seemed to progress at a reasonable pace.

I feel like one of the key parts of this story are the characters and their dynamics to the story. The most obvious being between Starr and her family. Although Starr has her own secrets that she keeps from her dad (*cough cough* Chris *cough cough*), I feel like they still have a strong bond, especially as the story went on and her dad, Maverick, stood behind Starr, even when things went south. (I could also 100% relate to Starr bickering with her brothers—even her half-brother). Then there’s Chris, which I kinda feel weird about him...which I feel like it’s a spoiler so I’ll talk about it under the cut. Overall, I’m glad that while he doesn’t understand what Starr has been through, he doesn’t judge her—he listens to her story and he also stays by Starr’s side at all times. I appreciate that Thomas didn’t put too much focus on the romance, otherwise I think it would’ve detracted from the main message. Finally, there are Starr friends. Even though we only got to know Khalil for a bit at the beginning, I like that Starr’s friendship with him was sprinkled throughout the story, even if it was in subtle ways. You could tell that, while their friendship may have fallen apart, Starr really cared for him and he was at the forefront of her mind. We also get to see Maya and Haliey’s friendship with Starr...and I can’t talk much about that without spoilers :/ let’s just say...it was interesting…

While I can’t exactly relate to Starr on an emotional/traumatic/life experience level, I love that we are both Harry Potter fans and she runs a Tumblr (which idk why but I’m always taken aback when books have Tumblrs?? Yet here we are). I appreciate that she tries to see the best in people, until they prove her wrong (or give her a reason to not like them). I think Starr is a strong role model in the sense that she stands up for herself and is determined to get justice, although she’s not cocky about it. It’s quite the opposite, she doubts herself—I just remember that there were so many parts where she blamed herself for not recalling every single detail of the incident or not putting emphasis on the type of person Khalil was to avoid him getting stereotyped. Starr also questioned her relationship with Chris, albeit she seemed a bit naive at some points. Because of Starr’s strong personality and her core values, the message of The Hate U Give is so much stronger, hence why I feel like everyone should read this novel.

Finally, I learned a lot from this novel. Regardless of the fact that this is a fictional book, it is very much based on the realities of Black people and the hardships they must endure on a daily basis. To be honest, I feel so dumb for not even realizing that the title spells out THUG and runs parallel with Tupac’s meaning of THUG LIFE. Mind you, now when I look at the cover, it’s all I see. I also didn’t realize that Black kids and teens are taught how to act around the police—all to be avoided to get arrested, shot, or killed—which is frankly, messed up. Thomas also takes the time to address the names she used, intentionally to give another layer of the book, which I feel that it is based on reality. I can definitely see why this book has received so many awards—and if this book were implemented in schools, it would allow the discussion on racism to be opened and it would also allow kids to see that not all authors are white, old men (looking at you, Shakespeare, which tbh the only good play I read was Macbeth).

I wanted to thank you for reading my review; if you’ve read this book, I’d love to know your thoughts. Below the cut, I have a spoiler section that I wanted to include (which I might add in future reviews, idk though).

Please stay safe and healthy,

~ Cassandra / an-avid-reader

THE REMAINDER OF THIS REVIEW CONTAINS SPOILERS

Okay, I’m not going to lie, but I thought that no one knew about Chris; didn’t Starr mention within the first few chapters that she can’t introduce him to her family because she’s afraid of what they’ll say/judge her for dating a white boy? But then, it turns out it’s just her dad that doesn’t know about him??? Idk if my memory is really that bad or if it’s such a slim detail (maybe it actually is an inconsistency o.O). But anyways, I love how Maverick was just playing with him (and making it clear that Chris would be in big trouble if he hurt Starr). I’m also not sure if he has a fetish for Black women (which Starr also pointed that out)—which I don’t know how to feel about that. I know some people have a thing for people of colour (Asians are commonly a fetish too, for example) but then some guys also have a thing for super short girls? Um yeah. I’ll probably leave it at that.

I’m not sure if it was just me, but I deadass thought Seven was going to be a gangbanger. He was sooooo suspicious anytime King was mentioned (which I get King is with Seven’s biological mom, but still I can’t be the only one who was suspicious, right?). I have to give him props though for putting his sisters’ needs before his own and for also listening to Iesha’s point of view. This man doesn’t give on people easily, and that’s a nice change.

The last thing I wanted to include in this spoiler section is Haliey. I just— wtf man. She perfectly embodies the issue and idk she gave me such Karen vibes. It’s so frustrating that she just accepted the newspaper’s article story at face value—I don’t even think she even took the time to listen to the other point of view. I’m so glad that Starr punched her in the face, even though that resulted in her getting in trouble. And it’s not even towards just Starr that she was racist! When Maya opened up about Haliey’s comments, I was pretty infuriated. I think Haliey’s comments came from a place of ignorance or a lack of education, but it just bothered me that she just brushed it off. Smh “it was just a joke” or “get over it” *rolls eyes* Just apologize, Haliey, and educate yourself, please. Actually, maybe she could take lessons from Mr. Warren, their english teacher because he was lowkey a G. I was pleased to see he was a teacher (who are often seen as role models) that actually gave a crap about Starr and what she was going through. I guess we just need to be more attentive to what people have to say and be more empathetic when they’re hurt.

#just one more ~ queue #book review #the hate u give #angie thomas #blm #black awareness #booklr #reading #read #favourite

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florrickandassociates · 4 years

Text

TGF Thoughts: 3x08-- The One Where Kurt Saves Diane

I wrote this over the span of, like, a full year and it is not very interesting. I am posting it simply because I am committed to the idea of writing something about every episode of this series. I recommend that you go check out Evil instead of reading this.

I’m just not intrigued by the clips of news footage about some sort of “Unredacted Unspecified Report” that open this episode.

Diane doesn’t seem to be that interested either: she’s not watching and talks over it.

More interesting (but, tbh, not actually that interesting to me either, because I’m losing interest in this season) is that Diane gets a letter of warning from a ~mysterious source~.

Most interesting of all: Diane and Kurt have a normal morning together.

Kurt spots the letter first and opens it. STOP DIANE. THEY KNOW ABOUT THE HACK. So maybe it’s directed at Kurt. Or maybe it’s supposed to say, “Stop, Diane.”

I still haven’t warmed to Diane’s bedroom set, especially because it still feels like Diane lives in her bedroom and her home has no other rooms.

Joy, Felix Staples has returned. All I have to say about this case is that the day this ep aired, basically what’s happening in this case happened in real life, because… Kings.

Hello, it’s October now and I suddenly felt like returning to The Good Universe and writing. It’s been a while.

My memory of this episode/arc is that Diane and Liz just did something uncharacteristically dumb and illegal, and this is the episode where Kurt secretly puts an end to the shenanigans without Diane even knowing. I remember this episode being satisfying, if only because it got rid of the aforementioned dumb and illegal plot. Let’s see how good my memory is.

Wait why don’t I remember Roger Bart being on this show and why didn’t I note it earlier?! How could I let George The Killer Pharmacist go unmentioned?!

On that note, how did I not use the opening scene of the season (Diane saying “I’m happy” as an excuse to ramble about how weird it is to experience happiness on a personal level in today’s world?) (I was just watching 3x01.)

I’m actively not watching the case scenes so they don’t kill my drive to actually write this.

Oh God, I’m going to have to deal with Blum again at some point. I had blocked out his bloviating. I think this is the last of the Blum/Maia free eps?

The weird Lucca/British actor plot is still happening!!!! I didn’t miss it during all those months in which I wasn’t reminded of it.

The joke about how these TV lawyers aren’t like other TV lawyers, except they are, was funny the first time.

Always great to see how Lucca, who is the head of a department at this point, gets called into other cases frequently. Definitely how things work.

Is it bad that I’m more interested in making a mental list of all the times TGF/TGW have filmed in this little park than this Marissa/Alan Alda scene?

I can see why this is the episode that made me stop writing these for a bit. So far, this ep is all case and a subplot I don’t care for.

You know what else was funny the first time and has hit a point of diminishing returns? The thing where a main character’s love interest shows up in court and then they get thrown off their game and it’s CUTE FLIRTING!!! Find a new, unique way to signal interest, writers!

This gag now involves literal gagging. I’m overjoyed.

Lucca’s monologuing at a toilet about her crush. This plot is cute. It isn’t bad. It is watchable. BUT! I know it’s a novelty, so I’m just not that excited by it or invested in it. It’s not really deepening my understanding of Lucca.

Lucca picturing everyone in court in their underwear is just unnecessary and honestly not funny???

Kurt leaves the warning note out for Diane to see. He confronts her about it and she asks for a drink.

The credits are at 19 minutes in. I do love them. Have any of you watched Evil yet? I watched part of the first episode (I intend to go back to it, I’ve just been busy) and the credits resemble the TGF credits. (Update as of March 2020: I watched all of Evil and you should too.)

Diane tells Kurt about Book Club or #Resistance or whatever I was calling it. Even though Diane doesn’t tell him the full story (mostly for his own protection, and she makes it clear she’s omitting stuff), I do appreciate that Diane and Kurt don’t keep secrets from each other, and if/when they do, they talk about it openly and calmly. I love them.

(I have blocked out Kurt/Holly almost entirely. I know it’s canon, but I still don’t believe it was anything other than a plot device to motivate some unnecessary drama in the TGW finale. God, that finale was bad. Ghost Will? Kurt cheating? GENEVA and Peter? GHOST WILL? Even the slap, which is one of my favorite parts, is more powerful as a symbol than as an actual plot development, since (1) Alicia betraying Diane is something Pilot!Alicia would’ve done to any friend to protect her family and (2) it stems from the nonsense about Kurt cheating and Peter tampering with evidence. What a letdown of a finale. The Kings are lucky they got to redeem themselves with TGF.)

(As anyone who’s had a one-on-one convo with me about the TGW finale at any point in the last three years will tell you, I will NEVER tire of discussing it, even if it means rehashing the same points over and over and over.)

I forgot about the thing where it wouldn’t stop storming in season 3.

Don’t have much to say about Kurt devising a plan to help Diane get out of trouble, but I do find it very fun!

OOOOH this is the episode about censorship that got censored!!! If you haven’t already, do read Emily Nussbaum’s piece about the behind-the-scenes drama of this episode. I thought the “this content has been censored” screen where the short would have been was a joke… but it was actually censored. That may be the most interesting thing about this episode.

I want more character-driven plots. I want more Liz and Lucca. I have nothing to say.

Book Club still believes the con artist who brought them together is something other than a con artist. Book Club is not that smart for being a collection of very smart people.

“So the whole group is bullshit?” Liz asks when Diane loops her in. Yes. But also, like, this is what happens when you do illegal shit with a group formed by a literal con artist. Liz may have an excuse for trusting the group (Diane brought her in), but why does DIANE trust them?

“My life is simple, Diane. I have a son. I have a mortgage. I have my job. And I go from home to work and work to home. So this stuff is, this bullshit intrigue… I’m done. Too much drama,” Liz laments, about a week too late. Where was this last week when Liz was like YES LET’S DO CRIMES?

One of my problems with the whole Book Club arc is that it makes very little sense that Liz would get involved in the first place. I understand why she would be sympathetic to their cause and willing to look the other way on their methods… if she were watching a news report about them on TV. She’s too practical, and has too much to lose, to get involved with a group like this.

An NSA nerd is back!! He’s the one warning Diane!

Okay, picking this back up in March 2020 because *gestures at the world* I have time. Like, I have so much free time I’ve finished 9 books in the last 14 days AND finally made it to the episodes of The Sopranos with JMargs. I began watching The Sopranos in 2017.

As I write this, I have no idea if TGF is coming back on April 9th as planned or not. Unless there’s something in the works for season 4 that can’t possibly be left unfinished or air today, I think they should air whatever they have now. TGF is always timely, and while scenes set in an office are suddenly feeling weird and implausible, they’ll probably play better now than in six months. And we’d all forgive the writers if they had to wrap up the arcs through an animated recap song.

It’s been a while since I’ve seen the TGF credits so I rewound to watch the credits. I went to 2 minutes into the episode, then remembered… they’re 20 minutes in.

Y’all. They blow up a purse with hand sanitizer in it. Did they predict this?!

I wrote that preamble and then stopped writing. But now we know that TGF is really coming back on April 9th, which means I have to stop watching The Sopranos and write these things!

Ah, Felix Staples. I haven’t missed you!

Case stuff happens. Really riveting episode, this one. (It is an interesting case, though.)

Kurt saving Diane is pretty fun. But I don’t have anything to say about it and to write about it would just to be to give a half-assed play by play… and why?

Oh WOW, Lucca and Downton Abbey guy is still happening?!

Getting to see Kurt be really competent and caring is the best thing, by far, about the Book Club arc.

Wait, I take that back, Liz’s speech about voter suppression is also pretty high up there-- as long as you ignore the context.

V excited (!!) to get back to Maia’s bullshit in the next few episodes, not because I want to watch it but because if there’s one thing I’m actually motivated to write about, it’s how the show has handled Maia Rindell. Also, they handle the next few episodes well for her.

Oh RIGHT Liz tells ChumHum about her dad’s sexual harassment issues! And Adrian and Liz are finally going to tell the press! It may mean losing Neil Gross, though.

Book Club is over! Wooooooooooooooooooooo! On to more interesting things!!!

Also gone? Downton Abbey guy, who gave an interview about something new and exciting in his life. Lucca thought he was talking about her, and he was talking about some...personality test that sounds like a cult from the way he describes it? AAAAAND I Googled it and yup. It is. What a goofy ending to this arc I didn’t care about. Reminds me of the way the Marilyn arc ended (with a cameo from a celebrity who she was supposedly sleeping with). Glad the actor was so game to poke fun at himself, but is this the best we can do for Lucca?

Diane thinks she took care of the hack and made it go away. Kurt lets her take the credit.

The end!

#the good fight #is coming back soon!!!!#tgfthoughts #yes i still check this thing

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echoes-of-realities · 5 years

Text

it takes so much tremble to love

* * *

[Fanfiction] // [ao3]

Summary: “So where are we going for this date?” Brittany asks.

“It’s a surprise,” Santana says, grinning at the thought of what she has planned.

“Is it a carwash?” Brittany deadpans.

Santana gasps and glares at her in mock insult. “As if I’d take you on a date to a carwash.”

Brittany shrugs. “Why else would you pick me up in a dirty truck?” she teases.

Or: Now that Santana knows that this whole thing they’ve been doing since the summer was dating, she has the perfect plan to take Brittany out on their official first date where they both know that they’re girlfriends.

Notes: Guess who’s finally back :)

I just finished the last semester of my degree (which is So Weird) and wrote this to get me back into the Groove of writing again! I’m planning on finishing off the last seasons fic next before I move onto Longer fics!!

The excerpt and title is possibly my all time favourite quote from Andrea Gibson. (I have half a mind to do a Small Series based on my favourite quotes by her tbh……)

///

call in your royal heart

tell it bravery cannot be measured by a lack of fear

it takes guts to tremble

it takes so much tremble to love

every first date is a fucking earthquake

— Andrea Gibson, “Royal Heart”

///

Santana borrows her cousin’s truck because he owes her for that time she didn’t tell his mom that he went on a bender last Easter instead of coming to dinner with the family; Santana never forgets when people owe her favours.

It’s this dusty old pickup with fading red paint and mud up the sides from a surprise autumn rain a couple days ago. The windshield is cracked in about four places and Santana worries a bit because she’s pretty sure that it will completely shatter if it gets hit another rock. The passenger door sticks more often than not and the backseat behind the driver’s side has a long rip in it that Santana would rather not think about. Teenage boy garbage covers the floor and Santana grumbles as she cleans it all out, wrinkling her nose as she finds a pair of panties that definitely don’t belong to her cousin. She carefully extracts them with her hands wrapped in paper towel and seriously debates burning the fabric off and replacing it for tonight. She eventually decides against it (but only because they don’t have a fire pit in the backyard) and adds using industrial level disinfectant to her mental To Do list. She stares at the plastic dancing Hawaiian girl bobblehead stuck to the dash and immediately decides it has to go. Not just for her intended purposes, but because its possibly the worst thing in the entire truck, including Jane Doe’s panties back there. She’s just tossing the bobblehead in the garbage when she realizes the time and curses, haphazardly finishing up before hurrying inside to get ready.

Her mom is in the process of pulling on her shoes to head to work for the first night shift of her rotation and Santana gives her a cursory greeting as she heads further into the house, having every intention of immediately jumping in the shower so her mom can’t question her.

“Where are you going with Gabriel’s truck?” her mom asks as she’s halfway in the clear.

“Oh,” Santana says blankly, pausing in the living room. She kind of forgot about this part. “Uh, Britt and I are, um—”

Something’s looking out for her because her mom’s phone rings at that exact moment, giving Santana precious few seconds to think up a solid idea.

Her mom sighs as she hangs up on a telemarketer and shoves her phone back in her pocket, turning back to pulling on her running shoes before glancing up at Santana expectantly.

“Britt and I wanna go to the mall and movies. And then to sleepover at her house later,” Santana says easily, lying right through her teeth, “And since you’re working tonight and Brittany’s car is in the shop, Gabriel said I could borrow his truck since he’s out of town with his girlfriend for the weekend.”

“Okay,” Maribel says skeptically, having listened to people lie at triage for most of her adult life. She knows what teenagers are like, but she’s running a little late and doesn’t have time for an argument with the most stubborn teenager she’s ever known right now (and, okay, the stubborn thing is probably Maribel’s own fault, but she ignores that fact). At the very least Brittany will be with her daughter, and Maribel trusts her with Santana’s wellbeing because she has a good head on her shoulders; has every since her and Santana got lost at the mall when they were eight and she went and found an employee to help them while Santana just cried into Brittany’s shoulder.

She sighs and checks her watch. She does really need to get going. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” Maribel finally concedes, stepping forward to give Santana a quick hug and kiss on her forehead.

“Yes, mamí,” Santana says obediently, having no intention of listening.

Maribel shakes her head as she turns to leave, listening to Santana scamper down the stairs with suspicious eagerness.

Teenagers.

Santana forgot about the mud until she’s heading out the door to pick Brittany up, cursing under her breath because she definitely doesn’t have time to take it through the carwash. Which means she’s going to have to pick up her girlfriend for their first official date—the first one where they both know it’s a date because now they both know they’re dating—in a dirty old truck.

She debates calling a taxi, but dismisses the idea immediately. This whole date thing hinges on Santana having her own vehicle, even if it’s muddy. She tosses her stuff in the backseat on the passenger side, out of sight of curious blue eyes, before quickly rounding the truck. She’s not going to be late or anything, but she hurries because it’s been three whole hours since she last saw Brittany and that’s far too long.

As she drives to the Pierce’s house, she resigns herself to the fact that this whole first official date thing is going to happen in a muddy truck.

She just hopes Brittany doesn’t notice.

Brittany notices.

Santana spots her heading out of the house and quickly bounces out of the driver’s seat, stumbling a little because she’s not used to exiting vehicles so high. She greets Brittany with a shy smile because Brittany is beautiful in her jeans and sweater and beanie and that knowing smirk of hers. Santana makes a small fool of herself as she yanks the door open and gives Brittany a mock bow when the door finally cooperates, delighting in Brittany’s bright giggles.

She only got out to open the door because she knows the trick to getting it unstuck and Brittany doesn’t, and maybe because she wants to check Brittany out a little bit, but not for any other reason at all. Definitely not.

(Okay, fine, maybe the real reason is that she’s trying to be a gentlewoman because that’s what girlfriends do, right? She’s still new to this whole thing and she can’t think of anything worse than all those smarmy teenage boys doing the same thing on the first date and expecting something in return for being polite but this— This is different. Because Brittany is already her girlfriend and Santana’s pretty sure that this is, like, the chivalrous thing to do or whatever and— And, well, the quick kiss Brittany gives her cheek kind of makes Santana want to follow Brittany around and open all her doors for her forever, cause, that part is kind of really, really nice.)

Once Brittany’s settled Santana lets her close the door herself because she knows that Brittany hates it when people close car doors for her, ever since that boy in sophomore year who did just that and caught her foot in the door. Brittany had to miss dance class for almost two weeks because of the bruise and the boy started to skip English class because of how much Santana glared at him.

Santana rounds the truck and climbs into the driver’s seat and smiles softly at Brittany. She really really wants to kiss her senseless right now because she’s so adorable in that beanie, but it’s still light out and Santana can feel the familiar churn of fear in her stomach at the thought of the Pierces seeing her kissing their daughter in their driveway. She forcefully pushes the fear away and pulls out of the Pierce’s driveway, knowing that everything will soon fade away in Brittany’s comforting presence.

“So where are we going?” Brittany asks, and Santana forces herself to not even glance in Brittany’s direction because she just knows she’ll cave and tell her with just one look at Brittany’s killer pout.

“It’s a surprise,” Santana says, grinning at the thought of what she has planned (and ignoring the lingering butterflies because, seriously, Brittany’s already her girlfriend, you’d think they’d calm down just a little).

“Is it a carwash?” Brittany deadpans.

Santana gasps and glares at her in mock insult. “As if I’d take you on a date to a carwash.”

Brittany shrugs, her blue eyes sparkling bright and teasing in the evening light, the sunbeams streaming in through the window behind her turning her hair to spun gold. “Why else would you pick me up in a dirty truck?” she teases.

Santana groans and resolutely doesn’t glance at Brittany, knowing she’s failing to fight her smile as Brittany giggles and continues to tease her from the passenger seat.

Brittany waits until the exact moment they pass the Thank you for visiting Lima sign before casually reaching over to grab Santana’s hands in hers. She brings it up to her lips for a quick kiss before settling their clasped hands in her lap, absently playing with Santana’s fingers as she fiddles with the radio.

Santana’s pretty sure she’s never loved Brittany more than she does in that moment.

Brittany grows more curious the further they drive from Lima, and Santana is secretly glad that Brittany has such an awful sense of direction because otherwise she would definitely guess where they’re going. Santana just grins as Brittany turns confused eyes on her once they’ve been driving for almost forty minutes, sealing her lips and stroking the back of Brittany’s hand with her thumb.

It’s not until the lake comes into view that Brittany sits up a little straighter, glancing sidelong at Santana with wide eyes. “You didn’t,” she gasps.

Santana shrugs. “My aunt has a cabin out here,” she explains, biting back a smug grin for planning possibly the best official first date in the history of the world, “She doesn’t care if we use it.”

Brittany shakes her head, eyes glowing softly as Santana turns off the highway and chicken trails across the backroads she still remembers from childhood trips out here. “You,” she says simply, shaking her head. Santana knows that Brittany really wants to kiss her now, but she’s driving on dirt roads now and trying to make sure she takes the right turns. Instead, Brittany just lifts their still clasped hands and presses a long kiss to Santana’s knuckles, never taking her eyes off the girl in the driver’s seat. Santana spares Brittany a glance, smiling widely and knowing that, despite how many mistakes and stumbling steps she’s taken over the last couple years, she definitely got this one right.

Santana parks to the side of the driveway, under a tree that still has most of its orange and red leaves clinging to its branches, and out of sight of the main road; she’d rather not advertise that there’s anyone here to random passerbys.

“We’re here,” Santana says unnecessarily. Brittany unbuckles her seatbelt and before Santana can blink she has a lapful of her girlfriend and soft lips pressed against hers. Santana sighs at the welcome feeling, having not been able to kiss her girlfriend since Brittany picked them up for school that morning. Brittany’s hands are cupping her jaw to tilt her face for a better angle and Santana just submits to Brittany’s direction, sliding her own hands up Brittany’s thighs and around to her back until she can scratch softly at Brittany’s skin under her shirt. Brittany shivers and kisses her harder, both of them lost in each other until a horn honking startles them apart.

It takes a moment for them to realize it was Brittany who accidentally scared them, and they both giggle against each other’s mouth as their lips find each other again.

“Hi,” Brittany mumbles against her mouth.

Santana’s laughter vibrates their lips as she slides her hands along Brittany’s back, revelling in the stretch of warm skin under her palms. “Hi,” she manages to mutter in between kisses, “I missed you.”

Brittany laughs against her jaw as she trails kisses across her skin. “You saw me, like, all day.”

“I know,” Santana whines, guiding Brittany back to her mouth, “But—”

“Yeah,” Brittany whispers just before recapturing her lips, “Me too.”

It takes them long moments to finally break away from each other, and even longer moments for them to untangle and get out of the truck. The autumn air is unseasonably warm and the leaves crunch under Santana’s sneakers as she hopes out. She kind of has a feeling that this date will probably be perfect.

She’s already collected the duffle bag of their clothes (they’ve been best friends—and now girlfriends—for so long that they always have necessary stuff at each other houses, so Santana just packed for Brittany and delighted in how domestic it felt) from the backseat by the time she realizes that Brittany is still sitting in the passenger seat, staring down at the door handle in confusion.

Santana chuckles at the look on her face, slinging the duffle bag strap over her shoulder before she comes to Brittany’s rescue. The door finally yanks open on the fourth tug and sends Santana stumbling backwards a little bit.

“Well that was rude,” Brittany says to the door. Santana just grins and slams it shut, locking the truck before grabbing Brittany’s hand and leading her to the cabin. The path winds around to the front door that overlooks the lake, and Brittany stares around in awe at how pretty the place is; Santana just stares in awe at Brittany and tries to fight the butterflies trying to crawl up into her throat.

Santana’s hands are shaking and she doesn’t even realize it until Brittany stops them. She gently guides Santana to face her and takes both of Santana’s hands in hers. They halt on the dirt road; the absence of gravel crunching under their feet makes the peaceful night sound shockingly silent. A small tendril of fear races up the back of Santana’s neck as she realizes how horror-movie-y this could get.

“You’re trembling,” Brittany whispers. She stills Santana’s hands and presses their foreheads together, just letting Santana breathe her in until she’s settled again. “Why are you nervous?” Santana shrugs a little, sighing when Brittany presses a soft kiss to her lips.

“This is like, you know, kind of a big deal,” Santana murmurs when they pull apart.

“We’ve been on hundreds of dates before,” Brittany soothes, releasing Santana’s hands only to slowly trail her warm palms up and down Santana’s arms.

“I know but I never— I mean this time it’s—” Santana struggles to articulate herself before shrugging and dropping Brittany’s gaze. “This time I know that for sure and I don’t want to fuck it up.”

When she finds the courage to meet Brittany’s eyes, they are so warm and soft that Santana melts into them. Brittany lifts one hand to cup Santana’s jaw, tilting her head back until she can kiss Santana long and gentle and deep.

“I love you,” she whispers as soon as she pulls away, “so much.”

Santana swallows thickly and smiles, amazed that this girl is somehow inexplicably and completely hers. “I love you, too.”

Brittany’s smile is small but her eyes shine, bright and adoring, in the evening sunlight. “Tonight will be perfect because we’re both here, so just breathe and relax, okay?”

Santana nods and quickly presses a chaste kiss to Brittany’s lips before drawing back and taking one of Brittany’s hands again.

“You know,” Brittany says conversationally as they continue down the driveway, “you couldn’t fuck it up even if you did take me to the carwash.”

Santana sputters a laugh and elbows Brittany’s side, right where she’s the most ticklish, and grins as Brittany giggles and tries to dance out of the way.

“Careful, you’re going to give me second date ideas,” Santana warns.

Brittany glances up with a grin so hopeful that Santana falls in love all over again. “I can’t wait.”

Brittany gasps as they walk in the front door, taking in the living room that’s decorated like it’s the height of the nineties. “It’s so tacky I love it!”

Santana giggles and directs Brittany to the bathroom when she asks. She used to spend summer weekends out here with Gabriel and their other cousins while her mom worked and Gabriel’s parents went on business trips all over the country. Her and Gabriel used to share a room when they stayed out here and they were by far the closest out of all their cousins. Sometimes she misses those days when everything was simple and her greatest wish in the world was that she could bring Brittany out here too because she would have loved the lake.

Now, even after so much has changed, she finally gets to fulfill that greatest wish from when she was a kid, and she’s almost giddy with excitement.

Gabriel already stocked up the fridge for her with food and alcohol. She grins, glad that he was dumb enough to let slip why he wasn’t coming home for Easter last spring and that she was smart enough to save that little tidbit of information until now. He thinks she’s just throwing a party with some of her friends not bringing her girlfriend out for a romantic date night, so there’s probably too much of everything in the fridge, but Santana figures she’ll just leave it for Gabriel when he inevitably brings his girlfriend around next weekend.

The cabin is their cool aunt’s, the one who is always travelling and bringing back wild trinkets and even wilder stories. She’s cool with her nieces and nephews using the place for whatever they want so long as it stays in one piece, and while Santana has never taken advantage of it before—because the Lopezes only have one car and she can’t imagine her mom would be cool with her taking their old Honda Civic all the way out here without adult supervision—she’s glad that her aunt gave all the nieces and nephews keys to this place years ago, and even more glad that her and Gabriel are the only ones still in Lima that are old enough to use this place.

She’s still looking through the fridge when two strong arms wrap around her and a chin finds its rest on her shoulder. Santana grins and sinks back into Brittany’s embrace, tangling their fingers together. “Whatcha doing?” Brittany asks, kissing Santana’s jaw as they look through the fridge together.

“Figuring out supper,” Santana answers. Brittany hums and Santana wonders if she adores how domestic this feels too. “I didn’t tell Gabriel exactly what I was doing out here so he apparently stocked the fridge for a party.”

Brittany giggles into Santana’s ear before nuzzling it with her nose. “I’m good with sandwiches.”

Santana grins and nods. “Good, because we’re having a picnic.”

Brittany gasps and wiggles in excitement behind her, and Santana just grins harder.

“I wanna go swimming,” Brittany announces after they’re finished eating.

They’re sprawled on the grass at the end of her aunt’s lawn, the retaining wall just a few feet away to separate the grass from the sand cooling in the setting sun. It’s still surprisingly warm, but her and Brittany are still cuddling close together under the spare blanket Santana found in a closet. It smells of mothballs and dust, but it keeps their body heat trapped between them and makes the evening feel even warmer. The sun has already dipped below the far shore of the lake in the distance, turning the trees miles away completely black in the growing night, the pink of the setting sun on the water already faded into inky darkness.

Santana laughs and shakes her head. “The water’ll be fucking freezing, Britt-Britt. Plus we don’t have swimsuits.”

Brittany throws the blanket off her shoulders and stands up so abruptly that Santana falls over into her now vacated spot. “Who says we need swimsuits?” she teases, and before Santana can respond there’s a shirt covering her head. She sputters as she emerges from beneath Brittany’s growing pile of clothes, her protests getting caught in her throat as she takes in the sight of Brittany in the moonlight, her skin glowing like porcelain and her hair wild and staticky.

Santana’s about to say something else—or swallow her tongue, most likely—when a bra hits her in the face. She groans and hears a splash, scrambling up to stare at the ripples disturbing the otherwise smooth surface of the lake. Brittany comes up laughing and gasping for air a couple feet from the end of the old wooden dock, turning over to float on her back with a satisfied chuckle.

“You’re going to catch hypothermia and die, Britt!” Santana shouts, “And then I’ll have to somehow explain to your parents why you got naked in the middle of nowhere! And then I’ll die of embarrassment!”

“Then you better come and warm me up before that happens,” Brittany calls back, all seduction and suggestion and Santana has no clue how she lost control of this date so quickly.

Santana curses under her breath, but already knows she’s going to join Brittany because she’s not strong enough to ever say no to her. She grumbles to herself even as her face flushes under Brittany’s appreciative wolf whistles. The cool night breeze makes goosebumps rise up all her body over before she’s even touched the water that she knows will be absolutely freezing.

“Only you’re crazy enough to jump into a lake in November,” Santana complains as she hurries down to the dock, half-way hoping that Brittany will climb out and she won’t have to actually jump in the water.

Brittany eyes her appraisingly and smirks knowingly. “And only you’re crazy enough to join me.”

Santana shakes her head and barks out a laugh before bracing herself. Brittany starts cheering her on like the complete goof she is, her voice echoing across the silent lake around them, and then Santana is jumping through the air and cursing herself for actually doing this.

She comes up shrieking and sputtering. “Fuck that’s cold!”

Something brushes her lower back and she panics as she spins around and ends up shoving Brittany underwater in her terror. Brittany emerges unfazed but Santana’s eyes are wide and guilty. “Jeez, Britt, I didn’t mean to—”

Brittany stops her with sure hands at her waist and warmth in her eyes. Santana shivers but it has nothing to do with the freezing water. “I knew that would happen,” Brittany grins easily.

Santana sucks in a sharp breath and gets a little lost in Brittany’s eyes, dark and inky like the twilight sky in the pale light of the moon. “Still,” she says absently, trailing her fingers across Brittany’s collarbone and wanting to cover it in kisses. She realizes with delight that she can, and is thankful Brittany’s such a strong swimmer and treads water for them both as Santana ducks forward to nip gently at Brittany’s skin. Brittany gasps above her, hands sliding to hold Santana more firmly as she keeps their heads above water. “Sorry,” Santana mumbles against Brittany’s soft skin.

Brittany makes a strangled noise in the back of her throat in acknowledgement. Santana smirks into Brittany’s neck as she trails her lips up to Brittany’s ear, finally having regained control of the date.

Or, at least she thinks she has until Brittany’s hands slide up her back to her shoulders and dunks her under the water.

“Brittany Susan Pierce you are so dead!”

Brittany just giggles as she flees.

Eventually, they both grow accustomed to the chill but Santana manages to coax Brittany out of the water before they turn into icicles.

Both of their teeth are chattering by the time they get back to the sprawl of food and clothes on their picnic blanket. Brittany grabs the one they were using to cuddle under earlier and wraps it around her shoulders before opening her arms to Santana.

Santana doesn’t hesitate to step into Brittany’s embrace, their cold skin against each other doing nothing in terms of warming them up. “S’cold,” Santana mumbles, burying her face in Brittany’s chest.

Brittany hums and hugs Santana tighter. “We could have a warm bath,” she suggests.

Santana shakes her head and snakes her arms around Brittany’s torso. “No tub. Hot shower and fire?”

Brittany kisses the top of Santana’s head. “That sounds perfect. But we’ll have to actually move for that.”

Santana sighs and shakes her head, nuzzling against Brittany and dropping a soft kiss to the top of her breast. “Don’t wanna,” she whines childishly.

She can feel Brittany smile against the top of her head and it makes her feel warm inside—she’s still fucking freezing on the outside though. “You go get the shower running, I’ll clean up here.”

“But this was my date,” Santana protests half-heartedly, “I should be the one cleaning up and—” Soft lips on hers cut her off as Brittany quickly soothes her worries.

“And you did all this work already,” Brittany whispers as she pulls back, “So it’s my turn.” Santana sighs and concedes, letting Brittany wrap the blanket more fully around her before bending to grab the picnic blanket and wrapping it around herself. “Now go,” Brittany teases as she smacks Santana on the ass, “I expect there to be steam coming out of that bathroom when I get there.”

Santana just giggles as she hurries back to the cabin.

The shower ends up taking longer than probably necessary because, once Santana’s fingers aren’t completely frozen, she kind of can’t keep her hands off her girlfriend, which is totally okay because Brittany can’t either.

They dress up in the pjs and Cheerios hoodies Santana packed. Brittany makes them hot chocolate because she makes it the best, and Santana goes out to start the fire. Her aunt has two fire pits, one down in the grass and one on the deck surrounded by smooth wooden benches. She opts for the one on the deck and hunts for cushions in the storage box beside the house. She pulls out the fluffiest cushions and pillows and arranges them in the corner of the benches, still close enough to the fire that they’ll be nice and warm, piling the blankets she brought out on top. There’s roasting sticks hidden in the box too that Santana pulls out and sets on one of the other benches, hoping that Brittany doesn’t notice them. She finds dry wood around the side of the house and grabs a couple logs and stuff for kindling that’s tucked in beside the logs.

The fire is warm and strong by the time Brittany wanders out onto the deck, a steaming mug of hot chocolate in each hand and a bag of marshmallows under the other. Santana pouts as soon as she sees Brittany’s treasure.

“Those were supposed to be a surprise,” she whines.

Brittany chuckles and holds the mugs away from her body as she leans in to place a long, soft kiss against Santana’s lips. “They were,” she promises, “But I figured this would save you a trip inside.”

Santana sighs and concedes to Brittany’s logic and kisses. “I guess that’s fine,” she mumbles. Brittany laughs and pulls away. She sets the mugs down and crawls onto the cushions, pulling one blanket around her shoulders and stretching out so Santana can settle between her legs. The pass the mugs of hot chocolate back and forth as they settle and Santana pulls the second blanket over their legs, both of them deciding to save the marshmallows for after they’ve finished their hot chocolates without having to say a single word.

“This is nice,” Santana says as she sinks into Brittany’s embrace, but what she really means is I wanna do this forever.

Brittany just hums in agreement and tightens her arms around Santana. They sip their hot chocolates and watch the fire dance, gossiping and making fun of their classmates and stealing chocolatey kisses.

“I’ve been thinking about coming out,” Santana says suddenly, and her whole body tenses for a moment in Brittany’s arms until she feels a soft kiss against her temple.

“Yeah?” Brittany murmurs, and there’s so much patience and no pressure in the single word that Santana breathes out in relief.

“Yeah,” she whispers, watching sparks fly high into the sky, a flicker of defiant brightness against the darkness. “Not to— Not to everyone. But to— To my mom,” she says quietly.

Brittany lifts a hand to brush Santana’s dark hair to the side, her lips finding the skin of Santana’s neck, fire-warm and smooth. She presses a long kiss there before nuzzling her nose against the hinge of Santana’s jaw. A tension melts out of Santana that she didn’t even realize was there.

“And maybe, like, Mercedes,” Santana finally continues. “And I think— Gabriel would be— You know.”

Brittany sighs, soft and content, against Santana’s skin. “I’ll be right there with you,” she promises quietly.

“Yeah?” Santana whispers, her voice cracking a little.

“Always,” Brittany promises, “My brave, brave girl.”

Santana sucks in a sharp breath and lets it out slowly. Most of the time she doesn’t feel very brave, but with Brittany’s arms around her she feels a little bit bigger, a little bit stronger, a little bit more like the person she thinks she could be. “I’m glad that you’re insides match your outsides again,” Brittany admits quietly, “That you’re starting to show everyone your awesomeness.”

Santana sighs and snuggles further into Brittany. “Well, with a girlfriend like you I’ve got be pretty damn awesome.”

Brittany snorts and kisses the top of Santana’s head. “Jerk.”

“Your jerk,” Santana says cheekily.

Brittany rolls her eyes fondly and pinches Santana’s side, causing her to spasm and giggle in surprise. “Yeah,” Brittany finally says when Santana tips her head back to grin up at her, “my jerk.”

Santana’s eyes soften and she knows Brittany can see the sincerity and gratitude in them. She’s overcome with love for this girl holding her, with the fact that she’s her best friend in the whole world, with the fact that they can switch from serious to goofy and back again in the span of a few minutes, with the fact that Santana loves her with her entire being.

With the fact that she’s finally able to love her and be loved in return without the fear and the self-hate and the shame of sophomore and junior year; in fact, loving Brittany just might be the one thing that she is the most proud of in her whole life.

Brittany leans forward and kisses Santana firmly, upside down like Spiderman, and Santana can feel Brittany’s smile all the way to her bones.

Santana is only half awake as Brittany coaxes her up to stumble to the bedroom. She manages to find the duffle bag and locate her toothbrush, sleepily brushing her teeth as she waits for Brittany to finish putting the fire out. Brittany joins her a couple minutes later, far more awake than Santana is. She tickles at Santana’s elbow and gently shifts her to the side so she can brush her teeth too.

Santana smiles dreamily as she finishes, wrapping herself around Brittany’s from behind and nuzzling against her shoulder blade, making brushing her teeth decidedly more difficult for Brittany. She doesn’t complain, just pats at Santana’s arms as she leans forward to spit and finish up.

She guides Santana back to the bedroom, flicking off lights as they go, her hands warm and firm with intent against Santana’s waist, and Santana yawns and desperately tries to wake herself up more.

“I’m sorry I’m so—” her apology is interrupted by another yawn, making Brittany giggle as she guides them onto the bed, “sleepy.”

Brittany ducks her head down from where she hovers above Santana, pressing a trail of sucking kisses along Santana’s jaw. “I’ll wake you up,” she promises. Santana smiles and lazily runs her hands down Brittany’s back.

She has no doubt about that.

Santana wakes up to blonde hair in her mouth. She sleepily swats at her mouth to get it out and immediately curls further into Brittany’s side, yawning against her neck and smiling when Brittany grumbles in her sleep and tugs Santana closer, tangling them up in each other even more.

It takes her a moment, to remember where they are because neither of them have curtains that ugly. Her aunt is awesome and always brings her cool stuff from her travels, but she has godawful taste in patterns.

Brittany seems to sense Santana is awake far too early, because she turns further towards Santana and nuzzles into her hair, sighing out a deep breath and tightening her arms around Santana so she can’t escape.

Santana grins at the move, because as if she’d ever want to leave Brittany’s embrace. The sun is only just creeping up the sky and they don’t have to be back in Lima until the afternoon when her mom will wake up before her next night shift start to worry, so Santana just sighs and closes her eyes, nuzzling into Brittany’s bed-warm skin.

She can’t wait for thousands of mornings, just like this one, where there’s no worried parents to deal with.

Except they’ll have better taste in home decor.

#brittana #brittany pierce #santana lopez #glee #brittana fanfiction #glee fanfiction #my writing #story: it takes so much tremble to love #I'm literally so excited to get back into non-academic writing again now that I have free time again #I hope I haven't lost my touch for creative writing because it's been Months LOL #also this fic spawned from that andrea gibson quote above but I listened to their 'Honey' to get the Mood!!

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noro124 · 5 years

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had 2 weird dreams.

1. the beach was cold & it looked like it would rain every day. dark gray skies, black water, the works. the waves were really big & would sometimes slam into porch of our motel, which was right on the beach, & i found that out on accident because the window was open & my bed got drenched when a big wave came.

it was clear that we were there for some quest? but i don’t remember what it was - i think it was to reclaim one of the party member’s lost heirlooms, becaue the beach island had an underwater bay that was currently unreachable (it was marked red on the map). we explored along the coastline, but there were weird fish in the water that were very threatening, so whenever the water rolled up the beach, we had to get out of the way. the beach wasn’t very wide, either - maybe 6 feet between the rocks & the water. i don’t remember if we found anything.

it became nighttime. the beach was at the bottom of a small city that i’d had other dreams in, & something was on fire. i thought i was going to be late for school, but my phone was an hour ahead because it didn’t autoadjust for daylight’s savings time, so i ended up running outside my house at 3:51 in the morning to get to the courtyard & i saw the smoke & fire & took pictures of it for my snapchat story. i was gonna add the caption “when you wake up an hour early but something’s on fire” & add it to my story, but i forgot to add the caption. the smoke looked like it was alive - it had a really weird texture.

2. I was on a school bus field trip through Michigan with a bunch of people I didn't know very well + the guy i made friends with from gym class + my boyfriend’s friend’s friend that i met last week when we went to chicago. it was a dirty double decker bus that looks like someone had attached a bunch of plating to the outside & we had these aqua blue circles on the UI that functioned as fuel, life points, & weapon projectiles.

sometimes the assistant TA would have to get out of the bus & attack an enemy, & he was getting pissed because we weren't moving the bus to safety while he was fighting & it was taking damage & we were not being considerate of his aqua circles. after he discussed with us - more of a yelling lecture tbh - he got off the bus to fight & then we drove away to make sure his bullets wouldn't hit the bus, which was already low on health, maaybe 2 circles left. i got out before we started leaving to help the guy take care of the enemies because i had a lot of circles stored up, but the enemies (which were like a swarm of small dots) got behind me while i was distracted shooting forwards, so i respawned in the bus with only 2 circles left. i’d done a pretty good job though. & while we were driving away I saw some friends of mine hanging out in a park. i shouted at them but it was too late & they didn’t hear me. we were trying to circle back to where the assistant TA was, but the streets didn’t point back in that direction, so we just kind of abandoned him in the dream. he passed out of existence. the assistant TA was also the only authority figure except a teacher named Helen Saunders who was an old lady. I didn’t interact with her for the first party of the dream because she wasn’t the one driving & she was on the upper floor of the bus anyway.

we drove through a nasty tiny street with really weird, sketchy restaurants. there was one that sold rotting decapitated animal heads - for example, you could buy a crocodile head for $35! & sold something with a really weird name I can't remember, but it invoked the mental image of like zombie pigs. also you could say “hey can i buy this rotten stalk of celery for $20” & then they would upgrade it to plump but still rotting stalk of celery & say “you can buy the premium for $40″. we left real fast, but the weird name thing stuck with us. the UI circles were gone by now. we ended up in a semi-big city - at least, not a tiny town that lives on the edge of the interstate, but a town with lots of shops & squares - think like Decin. I got split off from everyone on accident while browsing shops, but I also had a weird sense of foreboding, like “I have to get away from them, I have to hide.” I looped back to the place where we were dropped off & didn’t see anyone, but I riskily had to run across a big open square to get to the Tourist Information/Help desk office area. I don’t think anyone saw me then, either. it was really hot outside, so i asked if I could stay in there to cool off, & the nice front desk guy said “Yeah, sure.” It was a really small office, maybe 7 x 12 feet big.

Then a person with green skin & the rotting zombie pig head from the old store stumbled in the door & I screamed, knowing this was like a zombie apocalypse except we had created the zombies from that weird word with our own imagination, & tried to drag the nice front desk guy into the bathroom so we could hide & maybe sneak out the back window. However, he didn’t move fast enough & the zombie pig that walked in cut us off. I got in the bathroom, but the actual door turned into like a stall door that I had to hold shut from the bottom so that didn’t really work at all.

I should specify that these pigs did not look like minecraft zombie pigman, it looked like a person with green skin & the head of a pig from animal farm except really warty & decomposing & nasty.

close to that tbh. none of them had any hair.

anyway, it turned out that that pigman was still sane & it was Mrs. Saunders & she wanted to help! she said “We have to go RIGHT NOW.” so we went out the front door & immediately to the left was like a whole slow shambling army of zombie pigmen, except they weren’t that slow - they were kind of fast once they saw us. we sprinted around the right corner of the building & there was a train coming from the left side that had refugees from the pigman apocalypse sitting on top. it was first a real sized train, but it kept undergoing changes & shrinking in size & width & people kept falling off. we had to jump up on the wall next to the train to try to pick a good time to leap over, & there were other people doing the same thing, & the zombies were right behind us.

i leaped over & so did my ally pigman, which had stopped looking so much like a pigman & more again like the boyfriend’s friend’s friend from the bus from earlier. the train shrank down almost to toy size, where it was two or 3 feet wide & i had to hold on for dear life. the track got crazy too, lifting 10 feet in the air with no support. however, we were too heavy on the train, & the track kept bowing down. the track was aiming us in the direction of a grove of trees next to a field, & lots of armed people - mostly kids that looked like they were in highschool - were stabbing & attacking the pigs. there was a trio of asian siblings sitting against a tree watching everything with wide eyes, & their legs were up in the air blocking the trunk.

the track was trying to launch us into a tree, where i saw other people had climbed up for safety, but since there were two of us on one train car, it was too heavy, & instead of being launched into the safety of the branches, we were left grasping at twigs as we fell down. i realized we had to bypass the asian siblings, so we ducked around the fighting & ran for their tree. when they saw me approach their tree, they moved their legs so i could climb up. unfortunately, my friend got bit by a zombie pig as he was climbing up, so he was next to me up there with his teeth growing big & his skin turning green. he looked at me & said “please, you have to kill me to stay safe. do it!” so i shoved him off the tree. he went splat on the ground. i looked away.

time passed & it was daytime & people were getting out of their trees. it was safe now for some reason because we were suddenly far from civilization & they hadn’t reached here. the mom from arrested development was there for some reason complaining that we were all camping out on her estate. it was a big field with a nice house in the middle surrounded by trees on every side, so it was nice. we had a celebration! we built a tall castle out of cardboard & balsa wood & then fred from harry potter (or maybe it was george) showed up with a levitating chariot with a horn that moved extremely slowly. apparently last night he’d gone off for reinforcements & only just now got back with his weird machine. we turned it into a catapult & started launching water balloons =, except i was blowing into them to fill them up with water? into the castle we made. i was trying to get my sister to stop blowing up the balloons so big so we could launch multiple when i woke up.

what a weird fuckin set of dreams.

#dreams

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idealisticrealism · 7 years

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Blindspot 2x21 recap

(Aka the one where Sandstorm takes the NYO)

So it’s been like five days and I’m still screaming internally over how FREAKIN AMAZEBALLS this episode was. Tbh if I didn’t have to make sure I survive to see the finale, I probably would have died already. Like seriously, this show is 100% back to its old self, and with a VENGEANCE. Thank god for a guaranteed season three...

Anyhow, more screaming below the cut.

Aaaahhh nooo my babies, please stop, I mean I know siblings are meant to fight but not like this!! And ughhhh he's really actually trying with the whole killing her thing but tbh I'm kinda proud that Jane still wins? Our girl is the Warrior Queen, no one can defeat her. Not even when she’s pulling her punches like she is now. And ugh she knocks him out just as the detail gets in there-- you seriously need to work on your response time, dudes, though I guess it's good you weren't any earlier or you would have probably shot Roman which would have been completely unacceptable. But ugh he's regained all his memories from this fight, and now knows everything she's done... ughhhhh my baby boy please just think things through, because she really truly loooooves youuuuu. I swear. Also wow his biceps look amazing in this shirt? Ugh but then Jane comes to see him in the now-spartan cell (I guess all his stuff went with him to the safehouse) and ugh she’s all cautious and worried and ughhhhh he literally hates her and no matter what she says he just thinks it's more lies-- and tbh I feel like between this and the whole Emma thing with Weller, Jane is going to be 100% honest for the rest of her life bc she's already experienced too much pain due to lies. But ughhh I don't think I'll ever get over how much Luke just nails Roman's anger and pain??? The prowly way he walks, the deadness in his eyes as he tells her that the more he remembers, the more he hates her?? And then just turns his back on her and ughhhhhh my poor babieeeeesss let me hug you bothhhhhhh. Surely Roman must think about things and realise she was genuine, though? Although I guess he feels kinda like Weller did when it was revealed Jane wasn't Taylor; that just because part of it was a lie, everything must have been. And ughhh my baby is so heartbroken and walks out into the corridor and ugh Weller is right there waiting for her. I bet he escorted her down there in the first place and ugh man I wish we'd gotten to see when he first got there and was briefed on what happened? Like how terrifying must it have been for him to get that call, to think that Jane had nearly been killed by the man that HE had sent home with her? And at the same time he would be devastated for her bc I bet she was literally in shock as she robotically explained what happened and he could already see how much this was going to destroy her. And so when she comes out, he's still hovering there, waiting-- like I guarantee he was ready to go in and pull her out if it all sounded like it was getting too much. And now he stares at her with his big sad eyes and tells her how sorry he is, and then she tells him it's his and Nas' fault, and for a moment he looks like he wants to argue, but he also understands that she needs somewhere to place some of her blame (because god knows she's already shouldering enough of it herself) and so he doesn't try to defend himself, bc he knows she's not wrong. If she needs to blame him, he'll let her. He’ll help her in any way he can. But when her voice breaks as she insists that Roman could still be useful, he knows he has to be tough, and tells her that Roman's dose is wearing off and he's reverting to who he was. He needs Jane to accept that now, before her hope slowly kills her. But ugh it must be slowly killing HIM to see her upset like that and yet not reach for her?? I feel like he was seriously about to do just that when his phone buzzed about Pellington. Ugh, they never get a damn moment alone...

Oohh Zapata has rocked up in the lab, and uh-oh, I bet she's about to embark on her little crusade to break Parker by breaking the rules. And then ooh Reade's there, awkwardly ducking in to say hi since they already saw him going past and he couldn't very well ignore them haha. And Patterson's so happy to see him and so supportive and then he tells them that he put in for a transfer??? What???? And oh god Zapata's face just drops and ugh it's clear he didn't mention this at all last night and nooooo all she asks is how long he'll be at the new position and the answer is FOREVER and ughhhhh she just looks like she just got sucker punched and nooooo Reade you can't gooo! We need the dream team together!!!

Aaaahhhh Pellington is shutting down Jane's case (again), both the tattoos and Sandstorm-- and Weller looks like he's barely keeping himself in check, which explains why he looks to Jane to steady him, and okay firstly I love that she's actually in here too?? Like I thought this was going to be a meeting just between the Big Boys, but lbr Weller and Jane are kind of a package deal again nowadays haha. And then Pellington says they're going to put a public face to Sandstorm-- Shepherd, AND Roman. Which means that literally every law enforcement officer in the country will be hunting them both. Shit. And he seems undecided about what he's going to do with Jane-- hold on, so, what? You're going to ignore all she's done for the team and turn your back on her? Maybe throw her in jail? And ugh she doesn't even seem to care about her own precarious fate, she just tries to convince him not to turn on Roman, and then she literally starts shouting at him, making Weller panic a little bit bc honey please don't piss off the man who could have you thrown behind bars with the wave of his hand-- but it's kinda lucky (and also unlucky) that she does, bc when she tells Pellington that Roman's regaining his memories, that actually changes his mind. Which is great in that Roman won't be one of the targets of Sandstorm... but terrible bc Pellington now wants him to go to the CIA for 'acceleration of his recall'. Yeah, we all know what that means. And then Pellington is outta there and ughhhh Jane literally begs Weller to help Roman and ughhhh he knows there's nothing they can do and he is hurting for his wifey and wow these guys are having a really bad start to the day aren’t they

And then Zapata gives them one bright spot--- they have leverage on Parker. Devon's pregnant. Wait actually pregnant tho, or did Zapata make it up and then trick the others so that Parker would believe them? I love that all three of them go into the interrogation room and tag team him (I'm very much ignoring Weller's contribution bc it only reminds me of the whole Allie situation ugh), and ughhh Parker tries to brush it off but Jane convinces him and he tells them about the Sandstorm warehouse, but will only give them the exact location once Devon is safely on a plane to London. I can't tell if he's playing them or not?? And they all know it could be a trap but they've gotta try anyway, so when he gives them the address, Weller and Jane take a bunch of FBI dudes, leaving Zapata to keep interrogating Parker. And ugh as much as I enjoyed the 'let’s split up bc you're the only one I trust' thing last week, I really love seeing them enter side by side, guns up and ready. And ooooh here's the structure that Sandstorm has been building-- is it a replica of the NYO, a la Ocean's 11, like I suggested in a past recap?? Ughhhh it is! God this must be so weird for them and aaaahhh they realise it's a training ground (close, guys, but that’s not all it is) and that they're about to take down the real NYO and aaaahhhhh their signal is being jammed so they can't warn anyone. And then just as they're about to pull out to get back to the NYO, a sniper starts taking out their guys. Weller takes him down though bc remember he's Mr Crack-Shot, and Jane notices a weird red X on the floor in the fake-gym. What does it meaaaaan?

Meanwhile back at the NYO, a couple of Sandstorm guys have already snuck in disguised as technicians and are doing something nefarious with the power grid. Reminds me of Weller in the prison... Not so fun when the tables are turned, eh? Anyway Reade's with Dr Sun, asking her to clear him psychologically so he can take the transfer. And you know what, she actually seems pretty on the ball right now? "Needing help doesn't preclude you from helping others" like daaaamn that's some wisdom right there. And it's definitely true in my own experience-- you know how many doctors I've met who have mental, emotional, or social issues of their own yet still give their all to help others?? And then ugh when she says that he can go, but he'll still be Edgar Reade when he gets there. And wow I am actually impressed rn? This is a rollercoaster in of itself lol

Ugh Jeller are racing back to the NYO and frantically trying to call anyone inside to warn them but it's all still jammed. Which means the attack has already begun. Weller calls the NYPD to mobilise them for help but argh it may already be too late. And ugh Pellington walks into the lab to demand all the info they have on Shepherd/Sandstorm and hahaha I love that Patterson's first response is to question whether Weller knows about it, despite Pellington being HIS boss and being able to do whatever he wants regardless of how Weller feels about it. Lbr tho man, literally everyone in the NYO would follow Weller over you if it came down to it. And Patterson is belatedly like 'oh yeah you're actually the boss-boss' and so she’s gonna put it all on a hard drive for him-- but tells him it would actually be quicker if she did the data migration she'd already been planning, and all it would mean is that her servers would be stuck in boot mode for 30mins while it was happening. But then their conversation gets derailed by an official emergency alert, and Patterson brings up footage of the bullpen to see active shooters attacking people. Pellington gives the order for evacuation, and then says he'll join the armed response team and take out the shooters. Wow, I think this is the first time I've actually felt genuine respect for you, sir. Nice. Instead of evacuating, Zapata goes straight for the lab, because of course she does. She knows that that's where Patterson will still be, and she won't leave her girl. And then she sees a glitch in the videofeed, realising that it might have been tampered with-- just as Pellington and the strike force get out into the bullpen, which is completely normal and shooter-free. Awkwaaaard. But because the evacuation protocol was initialised, all the external doors were unlocked, now allowing Sandstorm to come in. And ughhh now it really is a showdown-- Pellington and the FBI vs Shepherd and Sandstorm, and for a moment there's just a bunch of shouting about 'you surrender/no you surrender' then some dumb guy knocks over a coffee cup and all hell breaks loose and everyone is shooting and ughhhh Paterson and Zapata are stuck there watching and Zapata is about to run out to help but Patterson won't let her bc it's literal suicide, and so she does the only thing she can and seals in the Sandstorm peeps. Ughhh. Pellington is crawling for his gun, and the rest of his team are dead or wounded. Shepherd calls him by his first name and tells him that that didn't need to happen-- and okay did these two know each other or something?? Like there was the way he called her 'Major-General' and now her using his first name?? And ugh she demands his access code and I'm actually super impressed that he still won't give in, just tells her she's under arrest, and wow this dude actually has way bigger balls than I gave him credit for? Don't tell me I'm about to start liking him just before he dies?? And ughhhh Patterson and Zapata are still there, stuck watching, as Shepherd kills their agents one by one and ugh the tears running down their faces and ughhhhh on one hand I know that Pellington's refusal means the death of his agents, but still... he's protecting thousands (if not millions) of lives by preventing anyone getting access. I feel like Weller would have done the same, though it would have destroyed him. Though if Shepherd had threatened Jane... then I don't know. Maybe he would have given in. Glad we don't have to find out. And ugh Pellington tells them all that this is how they-- the good guys-- win. By staying strong. By sacrificing themselves for the greater good. And then ughhh Briana stands, and tells her she knows Weller's code, and honestly I can't blame her. She's saving her own life, but also everyone else in the room-- friends, workmates. And I don't think she has quite the understanding of just what Shepherd could do with access to Patterson's lab. Who can really know what they themselves would do when faced with that choice? But ughh I actually feel really sad for Pellington, he knows that they have just failed so many civilians and he tried his best and now he's about to die. Dammit, man, how dare you make me respect you right before you die??? I guess I should also apologise now for always assuming you could be a Sandstorm mole... my bad. And ughhhh Patterson and Zapata are feeling so helpless bc Weller's code overrides Patterson's and now Sandstorm has free access to everywhere-- and is heading right for them. And ughhh I love that they know, they already know that they can't win, that they are just heading for death, but they fight anyway-- Zapata's immediate response is to get guns and go down in a hail of bullets, because of course it is. Patterson fights back in another way-- starting the database migration to slow Shepherd down, utilising one of the only tools they have. And then together, they go to the armoury, even knowing that one of Shepherd's teams is on their way there right now. Sidenote: screw you, Borden, for giving these guys a full blueprint of this place. You traitorous asshole.

Ughhh Jane's biting her nails and Weller confirms that Sandstorm has the NYO-- maybe even for Phase 2. But the NYO is Weller's kingdom, and he knows it better than anyone. He knows that there's a sub-basement access tunnel from previous construction. He and Jane are gonna save their people or die trying.

Well, Patterson's delaying tactic has worked, pissing Shepherd off. Also dude, it's 5% complete when she arrives, and Patterson said earlier that it would take about 30mins total to complete. To get to 5% would have taken about a minute and a half, which means that's how close behind Patterson and Zapata Shepherd was. Aaaargh. And now Parker's there, saying that 'Remi' and Weller took Devon to a blacksite. Mmmhmmm, way to cover your butt, Mr Slimy. And ugh Shepherd expected Weller and Jane to be there-- what if they had been?? What was her plan for them?? Nothing good, I’m sure. But haha he says that at least now they won't be a problem. Think again, bucko! Meanwhile Patterson's being problematic enough on her own. I'm so proud. But wait they have targets in four timezones?? What and where??? And so they're about to hunt her down (ugh stay away from my baby) when Parker finds Roman on the screen instead. Ugh, stay away from my other baby!

Ugh my girls in the armoury with their vests and guns makes me simultaneously so proud and also want to sob. My babies are making their stand. And then the door opens and they nearly shoot the intruder-- but it's just Reade, here to stand with them and defend their home. Patterson explains that Shepherd's after the lab, realising that her computers have access to the Homeland Security servers. Which is very, very bad, for reasons I don't entirely understand but I'll take her word for it. And so she proposes going to the server room so she can try to divert auxiliary power and fry her computers before the migration completes, thus locking Shepherd out. Ugh, the sacrifices my baby is willing to make... those computers are HER babies. And ugh her talking about the chances of it succeeding: "80%... 75%... closer to 60 if I'm being honest." and ughh why must even the humour in this show be heartbreaking? But she doesn't wait for permission; she just goes and the others follow. Tbh without Weller (or Jane, the unofficial next in line) there, Patterson is now the team leader, regardless of actual hierarchy. Lbr, the other two would follow her anywhere.

Idk where Weller found this fire-stick thing but I'm happy he has it. They're breaking into the sub-basement now, and ughhh Jane is so worried about the team and what might have happened to them, and she's beating herself up about lying to Roman and causing him to be in that cell right now, completely vulnerable if Shepherd decides to punish him for his betrayal of her. And Weller tells her that she had to lie, because she knew what he was and was scared of what he'd do if he learned the truth. And he looks up at her as he says it, and hmmm this is interesting, bc Jane only ever lied to Roman bc Weller and Nas made her. She was going to tell him the truth. Now who else has she lied to recently that she only did it bc she was afraid? Ah yes. I remember. Well, good to know that Weller understands her choices and is making it clear to her that he forgives her for them. He needs her to hear it, because he knows that one or both of them could be dead within minutes. Ughhhh. And she worries that if Roman's turning back into Old Roman, then will the same happen to her? Will she turn back into Remi (her greatest fear?) and ugh he promises her that it won't happen and that they'll do everything they can to save Roman along with the others and ughhhh. They've broken into the sub-basement-- ew, it reminds me of Oscar's grimy dungeon-- and then suddenly they spot four Sandstorm guys, and ugh they communicate with hand signals and basically pincer-manoeuvre the dudes and take them out in about two seconds because they're badasses. And that would be great, except the dudes were there guarding a shit-ton of explosives (that's the technical term). Well I guess we know where some of that HMX went? And aaahhh Sandstorm is gonna take down the whole building. Well, shit.

Aaaahhh my lil warrior babies are defending their home by destroying their own servers from within, and ugh the lives of SO MANY people literally rest on their shoulders (specifically Patterson's) rn?? Like holy shit if she doesn't get a message through to the DHS, the other sites will have zero warning of the attacks about to take place. Also ugh I've mentioned before how Patterson is literally one of the most powerful people in the FBI, but this proves it-- with her computers, she possesses access to several other major agencies. Literally if she wanted to, she could cripple the entire country at any time. She could have done exactly what Shepherd is trying to do with just a couple of taps of her screen. And she's what, barely past thirty? Like okay I have a job where I have some small measure of power over life and death, but this kind of scale is HUGE. Patterson literally has the keys to the kingdom handed to her, and could be the world's biggest supervillain-- but instead she protects everyone to the best of her ability, even now, when it may very well lead to her death. No one will ever convince me that Agent Patterson of the New York Office of the FBI is not some kind of cult figure in the world of government agencies. I bet her name has even become a common term for absolutely owning something through skill and ingenuity: "I'm gonna pull a Patterson"/"I'm Patterson-ing this biatch". For real, Shepherd, you have no idea who you're up against...

Weller delicately disassembling the cover of the bomb detonator while Jane stands guard over him with a huge-ass gun is entirely my aesthetic. And then he explains how to disarm it-- I love that he knows this, our boy sure paid attention in class-- and when he tells her he'll need her to do it (because of his giant meat-paws, as Rich lovingly named them), she doesn't hesitate. And then ugh he talks her through it and I love that they're BOTH needed for this. Jane wouldn't have known what to do without him, and he couldn't have physically done it without her. They're two halves of a whole, the perfect partnership. And ugh I love that she trusts him to guide her and he trusts her to be able to do it. And ughhhh he compares it to playing Operation and she's all "Weller this is a terrible analogy I've never played that game" and he's all "c’mon honey you can do anything ilsym babe"* (*paraphrasing). No but actually he's so cute with how he reassures her, using humour to settle her, and ugh the little look she gives him like 'you're such a giant dork and god I love you for it'. But don't worry anyway Jane, I've never played Operation either, and I've assisted in actual operations without any issue. You got this.

Aaand Shepherd's down with Roman. He's heard all the alarms-- I wonder what he thought was going on? I wonder if he was worried for Jane? But anyway he remembers everything, including Shepherd, and ugh she says that everything she's done she's done for love, and tbh that's true. Love of herself, and her own conviction that she is in the right and everyone else is wrong. Newsflash, lady. Pretty much every terrorist who ever lived thought they were the ones in the right. But ughhhh then she says one of the few things I will give her credit for being right about-- that Roman chose Jane over her. JANE, not Remi, because as she says, Remi is GONE. THANK YOU, psychopath lady. Remi ceased to exist the moment the zip coursed through her system, and lbr, that was likely what she intended all along. I don't know the particulars of how or why, but I firmly believe that by the time Phase 1 & 2 were being developed, Remi lost her faith in Sandstorm, and in herself. I'd like to think it had something to do with her surveillance of Weller, and I hope that someday we'll find out. But the fact remains that in the end, Remi was ready to give her life to the cause. Not to Shepherd's cause; to her own, which was to stop Shepherd and save not only her brother, but Kurt Weller, and the country itself. I strongly believe that if Asshole Oscar hadn't killed Markos, he would have been able to fulfill his side of her plan and tell her everything. Maybe if that had happened, though, Jane would have run off with him to stop Shepherd, and Weller and the team would have continued their lives without her ever being more than a blip in their existence. And regardless of all the bad that came along with her, I'm glad things happened the way they did. (Except the CIA part. Screw you, Keaton.) But anyway ughhhh Roman says he chose Jane bc she wasn't forcing him to choose. She gave him free will and agency, whereas Shepherd always tried to enforce her own agenda. You can see though from the fact that she offers for him to rejoin her, that she's desperate for that connection back, for someone she has a relationship with other than that of Commander and soldier. Family. Well guess what, lady, you could have had a loving family and lived a normal happy life, but instead you chose to be a mass murderer. Forgive me if I don't feel at all sorry for you, you human stain.

Ughhh someone save me from Weller's whispered 'good, Jane' as she slowly pulls out the detonator pin. He can feel how tense she is (after all, she has both of their lives plus the lives of everyone in the building depending on the steadiness of her hands) and he reassures her, staying right there in front of her-- not crowding her, but reminding her that he's there with her-- and then ugh when she gets it out safely he gives her this approving grin and she lets out this huge breath and rests her head against the block of explosives and ugh these two are literally the cutest. Supportive hubby Weller is one of my fave Wellers tbh. But there's no time to rest-- he's certain there's more bombs, and Jane remembers the red X from the Sandstorm training replica. And ugh they don't even hesitate before throwing themselves straight back into danger to protect everyone and ugh I love them so much

I love how much it upsets Shepherd when she discovers that the sub-basement bomb is now offline. Take that, you evil cow! And then she sees Jane and Weller on the monitors, and it's like that's right biatch, you are being thwarted by your two former favourites. Not only will they never follow you, but they will beat you. And ugh she sends a team to kill them and Roman doesn't look at all comfortable with it. I wonder whether that's because he still loves his sister, or-- as has been suggested by others, including in @gypsyscarfwoman’s amazing fic-- that he feels like he owes a debt to Weller for what he did to Emma. Hopefully a bit of both??

Ughhhh back in the server room, Patterson knows that all her computers are now back online, and Zapata tells her to go ahead and surge the lab. And ughh she hesitates, and at first it seems like she's just having trouble facing the thought of killing her computers (her babies), and Reade impatiently tells her they'll get her new ones-- but that's not it. Surging the lab would effectively paint a target on their backs, bringing Sandstorm right to them. If she does it, she basically signs their death warrants. And if the bad guys come quickly, she may not get to complete the surge before they're all killed. And then ughhhhh just let me die bc Zapata looks at Reade and Reade looks at Zapata and then Reade tells Patterson that they'll buy her as much time as they can and Zapata looks at Patterson and gives her a little nod and tells her to start it and ughhhhhhh they know they're about to die and that was their goodbye to Patterson-- a 'we can't save ourselves but maybe we can help you save others' and ughhhhhh my baby manages not to break down and instead gets right down to it, further ruining Shepherd's day when she instantly recognises that Patterson is about to out-manoeuvre her. And ugh Parker's already leading a team their way as Reade and Zapata set up a barricade (Do you hear the people sing??) and ugh this might be their final minutes together and Zapata chooses to give him shit about ditching them for Quantico and basically telling him she does not at all approve haha. And ughhh even as she's giving him a hard time about it she's also reminding him what a good agent he is and ugh I love the love these two have for each otherrrrr

So Jane was right (as she so often is) and the other bomb is in the gym. I love their perfectly coordinated sweep of the room, and then Weller crouching to remove the outer cover of the bomb detonator for her while she checks behind the bomb for any sneaky baddies. Nice. And then he hands over the reins and moves to stand guard over her-- the stakes are higher on this one, since they're no longer in a secluded basement with the enemy team already dead. Right now, they're sitting ducks. Jane gets right to it, now a veteran at this, and Weller only glances over briefly to make sure she's going okay, confident that she can do it but ready to support her if she needs it. All is well-- until they hear the kill-team approaching and know that they're busted. Jane makes the split second decision, with Weller instantly following her orders as she tells him to go, to meet the bad dudes somewhere that is more even territory, tactically speaking, rather than as the proverbial fish in a barrel that they are now. And ugh right now she has her hand in the jaws of death and he's about to walk out into the same when he pauses and says her name, and for a moment they lock eyes and ughhhhh "Don't die."/"You too". And ugh that was so THEM? Like they each refuse to believe that this will be the last time they see each other, and they know that they'll both fight like hell to make sure it isn't, because they've barely even had a chance to start the life they're gonna have together and it sure ain't ending here. And then ugh Weller goes into Super Agent mode, taking out one of the Sandstorm dudes before they even know what hit them, then sprinting across the room and body-slamming two of them at once while shooting the other, only to grab one and use him as a shield before beating the crap out of another, then tackling another and wrestling his gun off of him just in time to kill the one who was about to kill Jane. And ugh poor Jane, she had to focus on steadily removing the detonator even as she could see everything that was happening, knowing that any one of the many gunshots could have found Weller, meaning not only that she would lose the man she loves, but that she'd be left alone and completely exposed. But she manages it, disarming the bomb and looking up at a panting Weller, who is da bomb, tbh. Take that, Shepherd! You sent five men to kill one, and he took them all down. Bam! Ugh and Jane's little 'thanks' is so cute, like omg could you two just freakin' dive into each other's arms already, you know you want to!! I mean, let's not pretend that that little 'don't die' wasn't just a shortened version of 'don't die because I love you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I plan that life to be more like 50 years than just the next 5 minutes'?

~~Will you join in our crusade, who will be strong and stand with me? Beyond the barricade, is there a world you long to see? Then join in the fight that will give you the right to be freeeeee....~~ Okay yes, I did have to pause my recapping to go listen to some Les Mis because of this. I'm just getting a lot of feels (and literal goosebumps) about these two and their sacrifice, okay?? And ugh Parker's team is on them and bullets are flying and they might be dead any second now and Zapata is still snarking about Quantico (while also crouching in tight jeans and heels wow #iconic), and he snarks back about writing her a recommendation letter and ugh I love these two and the fact they both know that the only way they can cope with this is with sass and ugh save me. And then Patterson fries the system and everything blacks out for a moment, and then the lights come back on they reveal all of the Sandstorm dudes are down. Wait, guys, wait! Havent you heard of a term called 'playing possum'?? I don't care if it seems dishonourable, please shoot the crap out of those bodies before you leave the safety of your barricade! And ughhhhhh they juuuust start to grin at each other, almost believing they really made it, when FREAKIN' SLIMY-ASS PARKER SHOOTS MY BEAUTIFUL BABY. HOW DARE YOU SIR, I ALWAYS SAID DEVON WAS FAR TOO GOOD FOR YOU. And ughhhhh the shock and rage on Reade's face as he fills him with bullets is so intense ughhh. And ugh my baby is only concerned about Reade even while she's bleeding and okay okay at best guess the shot looks like it got her in the shoulder? Which in reality could very easily be deadly but in TV land generally means you'll be just fine (let's not forget that both Jane and Patterson have been shot in the abdomen in the last few months and were in fighting form like 2 days later), so I'm not too worried. But ugh speaking of my other baby Patterson, she's all alone in the dark, frantically dialling DHS to warn them because she needs to save as many people as she can, all while having no idea whether Sandstorm has already killed Reade and Zapata or how much time she herself has left to live. Ughhhhh seriously can I hug her rn bc we both need it

Given that we know how pissed Shepherd gets when things don't go her way, I'm very suspicious of her 'meh' attitude towards her plans being ruined rn. What else does she have in store?? And ugh then she uncuffs Roman (keeping the cuffs tho which feels weird? Maybe she's just into recycling? Or souvenirs?) and then even offers him a gun?? And tells him that staying means being locked up alone in a cell for the rest of his life and noooooooo Roman she's wrong! Jane will fight for you! And ugh the first thing he does is aim the gun at her, and ugh SHOOT HER ROMAN. She doesn't love you, she doesn’t even deny it when you accused her of controlling you your whole life. And ugh she says that losing Remi was an inherent risk of the plan that they all accepted. Yeah, idk about that. I mean I totally believe Shepherd was willing, but I doubt Roman accepted it easily. As for Remi herself, well, I already said that I believe she went into it with the hope of coming out as someone new, hoping for the chance to finally become the person she should have been, instead of the one Shepherd warped her into. I think Jane's dream was wrong. I don't think, if her two selves could meet in a dream, that Remi would see Jane and try to kill her, to take back over. Instead, she would just look at her with tears in her eyes and whisper 'thank you'. And then she would look behind Jane, where dream-Weller and Dream-Roman are standing, and she would tell her to take care of them. And then she'd close her eyes and fade away, at peace at last. Because she'd spent her whole life as a prisoner of who she was, and it was only in letting herself be erased and replaced that she could finally be free at last.

But anyhow that's speculation for another time. With her warning given, Patterson has raced out of the server room to find her friends, initially relieved and then panicked as she sees Reade crouching over Zapata. And ugh she races back to radio for help. And ugh she must just want to collapse in a sobbing heap when she hears Weller's voice and discovers that he and Jane are in the building. Mom and Dad are here. They'll fix everything. The kids have done their best, and now they get to hand over the responsibility to the grownups. And ugh speaking of family bonds, Roman steps out into the hall right in front of Jane and Weller, and she immediately drops her gun, looking as stunned to see him as he is to see her. And then he raises his gun and shoots right at them-- or does he?? Like yes, Weller immediately shoves Jane through a doorway and to safety, but how did Roman, trained sharpshooter, not hit them with either of the shots he got off before that?? Because he WASN'T AIMING FOR THEM. He aimed wide, just enough to look like he was trying to kill them, while actually sending them into cover before Shepherd could fire at them. He knew his side outnumbered theirs, and so did the only thing he could to protect them without having to turn on Shepherd and try to kill both her and her men. He and Shepherd flee into Borden's office while Weller and Jane take out the last of the Sandstorm guys, joined moments later by their own backup team (better late than never, guys, tho lbr these two badasses don’t really need you). And ugh she tells Weller that they won’t surrender, and the understanding passes between them that this will be shooting to kill. He locks his eyes with hers, and tells her to take Shepherd.Her unsteady breath and tiny 'thanks' kills me. He would never make her kill her own brother, and we all know that he's going to do whatever he can not to kill Roman either. And she's right there with him as they go in-- instead of sending the backup guys, they're both through the door first. But seriously dude that smoke is super dangerous for them, obscuring their vision in a way it wouldn't for Roman and Shepherd, meaning that they would be totally vulnerable to being shot before they even see their targets. But actually there’s none there to be seen; I assumed they escaped out the same air vents that Jane and Patterson crawled though in the lockdown ep, since Borden clearly knew about those from that time, but instead, the sneaky bastard had actually cut a hole through the wall behind a panel, pre-engineering their escape. Dammit, Borden, why you gotta keep hurting us even from beyond the grave? I definitely get how Patterson feels rn...

Ugh, the calm after the storm. Jane is standing near Weller-- I have a feeling they haven't been more than a couple of yards from each other since this whole thing happened, a subconscious connection of both protection and reassurance-- as he looks down at Pellington's body, and ugh they may have both had their issues with him, but they never wanted this. And then Patterson joins them like a timid puppy, telling them that Shepherd tried to attack six other buildings all over the country. Their efforts prevented four of them, but couldn't stop the other two-- but all civilians were evacuated in time and the law enforcement casualties were minimal. They're still shaken over it, naturally, but it's a better outcome than they could have hoped for. Jane looks almost near tears as she realises that they saved thousands of lives. And they did. But Weller's right; that's not what people will remember. People always look for someone to blame, and don’t necessarily always care if it's the right person. This poor team has been through hell today, and though they did save thousands, there were plenty of their own that they couldn't save. Lbr the bullpen is going to have a very 'Empty chairs at empty tables' vibe for a long time.

Omgggggg. They're in the cell and Weller is fluffing the pillow and all I can think is BLUE SHIRT BLUE SHIRT BLUESHIRT BLUESHIRTBLUESHIRTBLUESHIRTTTTTTT. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH. IT'S HAPPENING. And ugh Weller apologises that she can't go home-- everyone else can, because they're not in danger of being murdered by their mother or brother (well, as far as we know; maybe they have a complex family situation too). Tbh I feel like Weller is totally fine with her staying; this building is now a fortress, and there's probably nowhere safer for her to be. Plus, he's now kinda the big boss, and will no doubt be staying in his office (not forgetting he'd be a main target too), putting him only moments away if she needs him. And ugh now that they're out of the firefight and reality has settled in, she can't think of anything but how her family is responsible for all of this death and destruction, and how she herself played a role in bringing it about. Not to mention that Roman, one of the people she loves most in the world, turned on her, shot at her, and fled with Shepherd, choosing to be a terrorist rather than stay with her and fight for good. And that's where her real fear comes in-- what if the same will happen to her? What if she's just a time-bomb, ticking down to the moment when the zip wears off and Remi reawakens? What if one day she could suddenly lose all that she has become, could snap and turn on the team, on Kurt, and have no control over it? It's her Remi nightmare all over again, except this time she's faced with the possibility of it becoming reality. Ugh how awful must that be, to live with that potential death-sentence over your head? But ugh Weller won't let her think like that; he immediately reaches out, and ugh her voice hitches almost imperceptibly as his hand covers her knee and she fixes her eyes on his, needing to hear that it will all be okay, and he tells her that they aren't their families and she shudders and looks away and you can practically see the 'but what if I am?' that runs through her head, and he turns to her, voice more insistent as he tells her that he knows her heart (asdfghjkl of course he does, bc it's the match of his own; he knows her as well as he knows himself) and ughhhhh then let me die because he PUTS his HAND over her HEART. Just like she did with his all those months ago; it was her starting point, the symbol of her journey of becoming Jane, becoming the person she truly was. This is her. The tattooed FBI consultant who saves people on a daily basis and whose heart of gold belongs to Kurt Weller. That is who she is, not a cold and calculating terrorist who only wants to watch the world burn. "[Remi] is not who you are,' he tells her, and he's right. She's his Jane, and always will be. And ugh she holds his hand against her chest, head down and eyes closed, keeping him from pulling away, needing that reassurance. Needing that contact. And then she looks up at him almost pleadingly, like she's so desperate for him to be right, and so needing the reassurance of his touch, of his love. And he sees it, understands it, because he needs her too. And he never looks away as he shifts his hand to cup her jaw, and ugh the way her hand covers his and her tear-filled eyes find his and her chin trembles and okay it's super faint but I am so sure he shakes his head just a fraction and whispers 'it's not', and ugh I'm also convinced that he pressed his fingers just lightly against the back of her neck in like a tiny 'come here' gesture and she's barely fighting off the tears as she does, finally letting herself give in and believe that she can truly have him this time, that she can at last give him her heart completely. And ugh her hand lifts from his but falters, wanting to reach for him but unsure for a moment if this is just a comforting peck or if this is an everything-laid-bare, I'm-never-letting-go kind of kiss, and she soon realises it's the latter and curls her hand around the back of his neck as he buries his in her hair, the other gently gripping her arm, anchoring her to him, and ugh this is a kiss they could both happily live in forever; a real everything-out-in-the-open, no-more-hiding-or-pretending kiss, no more secrets, no more ghost-Taylor, just the two of them choosing each other. Just Kurt and Jane, finally kissing the person they're stupidly in love with. And god, part of me so hopes Patterson is still in her lab rn and happens to look at the video feeds just at the right time and is standing there with happy-tears in her eyes and her hands over her mouth to hold in her squeal, because the day had been full of fear and suffering and devastation and darkness and then there was this one tiny bright spark, this one beautiful and happy thing, and ugh I bet she mutters abuse at the secret service guys when they interrupt and is already anticipating the moment she visits Zapata later and gets to tell her about this because if anything makes her friend feel better, it'll be winning the bet that they've had going on since the other night in the bar and ughhhhh this is the first moment of sunshine through the clouds and the first time that she realises that maybe things might just be okay. And ugh back in the cell, Weller is super displeased about the Secret service interruption-- when they first arrive, he doesn't even seem to hear them straight away, bc for a split second when Jane pulls away he seems confused, grip tightening on her like he wants to pull her back in, and then he registers what was said and realises why she pulled back haha, and you can literally see him make a gesture like 'kind of in the middle of something here guys' lol. And then ugh when they say he needs to come with them, his body shifts, and as usual idc that their hands are out of shot, bc I am 100% certain that when he says 'I'm not leaving my people'-- meeting Jane's eyes as he says so-- he closes his hand over hers on her thigh, linking them like he's daring the agents to try to separate them. And then she tells him that he has to go and it's okay, and gives him this adorable little encouraging smile, and he gives a tiny huff like 'alright, wifey, but only because you said so' and ughhh he gets up and moves past her and their hands are still holding onto each other and he gives her fingers one last tiny squeeze before forcing himself to let go and ughhhh he walks out without looking back because he knows he has to go do his ~duty~ and if he looks back and sees her sitting alone on that bed he won't have the strength to leave. But his dedication to serving and protecting others is one of the things she loves about him and she would never want to stand in the way of that. Doesn't mean she won’t miss him like hell until he gets back, though.

Oh boy. Shepherd is all dressed up, medals and everything. I have to say she does look good in a beret. But hold on, this isn’t one of those situations where the person gets in their full military dress before killing themselves, right? Nope nevermind, she's making a video announcement. I'm intrigued by the two empty chairs beside her-- were they originally intended for Roman and Remi? Was this vid meant to be a family affair? And she claims responsibility for the attacks, blah-blahing about how the country is failing and needs to be rectified (look, I'm not necessarily arguing with that, but I sure disagree with her methods), and ugh as she talks we get little glimpses of Weller being taken somewhere unknown, while Patterson stands in the bullpen with tears running down her face, and Reade sits by Zapata's bedside, and Jane sees the R carved on the bed and grieves afresh for Roman. Ugh. Oh right, the empty chairs are for 'those we have lost and those who will take up the fight'-- so, they kinda are for Remi and Roman then. And apparently now is the dawn of a new America, and clearly Roman is as discomfited by this as the rest of us, because that definitely sounded like a victory speech. Given that she wants him to send it to the Times tomorrow, yet said 'Today's attacks', then clearly she has a lot more planned.... #shit

Aaand now Weller is being escorted into a mysterious bunker in a mountainside, having to surrender his gun and phone (noooo, how will you tell wifey you're okay??) as part of the Deputies' Committee protocols. And then we see the flashback to Briana getting him to sign those documents and well, nice work show. Way to plant that little seed early on haha. And now Weller's in the hands of the army, walking into... a giant, fancy conference room filled with official looking people. I love that Weller's focus isn’t on the guy addressing the group; it’s on the bunker doors sealing behind him, cutting him off from his team, and from Jane, for who knows how long. And he already knows that something about this is very, very wrong. And then he hears the words Continuity of Government Subcommittee-- COGS-- and sees the copy of the Truman protocol in his binder. Not to mention the fact that Keaton, Julia Chang of the CDC, and Agent Valentine of the DEA are all there, people who are all in place due to tattoo cases removing their superiors from power. And then he knows. Knows that THIS, the Truman protocol, is Phase 2. They are the new dawn of America, the new founding fathers (and mothers). Shepherd chose them all based on their leadership skills and morality, which is kind of a weird thing to think about when she is the exact type of thing that they will be protecting the country against. It's very ‘be the villain in order to become a hero’ kind of thing? But either way, literally everyone outside this bunker, including everyone Weller loves, is now in terrible mortal danger. And he has absolutely no way to stop it. #Checkmate

#Blindspot #Blindspot recap #Jeller #ASDFGHJKLKSDFGHJKL THIS EPISODE DESERVES LIKE TEN RECAPS #ALL FULL OF SCREAMING AND HEART EMOJIS #BLESS YOU GEROOOOO

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lunarmoonflowyr · 8 years

Text

hey i’m love my girlfriends and as i’m wont to do imma make big mushy posts for them because i’ve been feeling emotional lately <3

for @transwitchery, quite possibly the most precious human being i have ever had the pleasure of interacting with <3

i met Sammy about....uhhhhh....probably eight/nine months ago, cus she posted the CUTEST selfie and i was like

o shit

she cute

imma flirt

because that’s usually my default reaction when I see a cute girl, cus I’m a big ol gay.

she had on this rly cute dress?? and her hair was like, adorable, and she had like this really cute half-pout face on and i was like dawwwwwwwwwwww

it was cute.

I honestly don’t remember a WHOLE lot about our initial interactions because my memory is Grade S Awful, and the tumblr messenger won’t let me go back and look because it’s Very Functional, but I do remember that my nerve failed me and my actual flirting just fucking Failed

but I enjoyed talking to her!! she was nice!! and v sweet!! so i followed her!

i think she followed me back but then she unfollowed me at some point for some reason but anyway

we sorta talked on-and-off for a few months, nothing super consistent but we did talk, I considered her a friend. It was about when ah...let’s see, I want to sayyy...hmm...November? October, ish? when we started really consistently talking?

AND THAT IS WHEN THE FLIRTING STARTED

although it wasn’t PROPER flirting at first, it was just me being friendly and calling her cute and adorable and okay fine it was technically flirting i guess. But I didn’t really plan on DOING anything about it, at the time I was dating other people, she didn’t seem particularly interested (which I have now learned was just obliviousness)

but I mean, having a crush isn’t really new to me. At any given moment I think I have about half a dozen to a dozen different crushes of varying levels, so the fact that I had a crush on her never really...idk, affected how I talked to her? I just treated her like I would any friend, crush notwithstanding.

the crush started getting a lot more intense throughout december tho, and i was like fUCK WHAT DO

because like, the relationship I was in at the time, while technically poly, my partners at the time didn’t really want me to actually flirt with anyone else at the time. the relationship was getting REALLY strained around that time though, for various reasons, and Sammy sorta...well, became someone I felt much less stressed around.

so I think that definitely had an impact on the crush, because being around her was just WAY less stressful than the rest of my life. she was always really nice to me, and I vented to her once or twice about small things and she listened.

when my relationships officially ended all around the first week in January, I talked with her about it a little bit, but I mostly just talked to her more in general. being around her felt good, it was comfortable and safe and being around her just sorta made things a lot less shitty.

it was around this time that I realized that I...trusted Sammy, quite a bit. Which was a very weird feeling for me, because I’ve been through a lot in my life and most of it has added up to a distinct lack of ability to trust people. But I trusted her, she was someone that I would go to just...to talk, to be around, because she made me feel safe. I trusted her, and I felt good talking to her and being with her.

then I really started falling for her, and I amped up the flirting a little bit. She still didn’t really seem interested, but I wasn’t sure if she was disinterested or just didn’t realize that I was flirting. She was flirting with another girl at the time, and at some point she asked me for advice.

and I told her to just tell the girl how she felt instead of dancing around the issue.

...

shut up. I followed my own advice!! I mean, the advice was just as much me talking to myself as it was to her, tbh...ahaha...>//>”

so I confessed that I had one big fat crush on her and that I liked her and WHOO BOY LEMME TELL YOU

THE NEXT 24 HOURS WERE HELL ON MY ANXIETY

CUS SEE, SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS GOING TO BED

AND MY NERVOUS, GAY ASS WAS STILL ON THE FENCE ABOUT FESSING UP

So after she went to bed I was like “fuck it, if I don’t do this now I’m never going to do it”

I gave her a good ten minutes to head to bed, and then I fessed up.

the next evening she responded, and gave a rather rambly and disjointed response, but the general gist of it was that she wasn’t interested. Which was fine! I honestly didn’t expect much to come of it, so I told her it was fine and I just focused on being her best friend~

I mean, that didn’t stop me from falling further and further in love with her. She was honestly adorable, and one thing that started really getting to me was how fucking gorgeous she is.

Like, I identify as grey-ace. I have hypersexuality and a REALLY high sex drive, but I don’t really experience sexual attraction. With a few exceptions. I can think of...fffour, off the top of my head, where I felt actual, real sexual attraction. Two ex-girlfriends, my current girlfriend Jasper, and...Sammy.

Actual, physical attraction. I mostly tell people I’m a lesbian cus, I like girls, girls are pretty, I have aesthetic, romantic, and sensual attraction to girls, but rarely physical, sexual attraction. So the fact that I was RIDICULOUSLY attracted to her, in all ways possible, just made the crush even worse.

I mean, I still flirted with her. Constantly. But I tried to constantly make sure that it was okay, that I wasn’t crossing any lines. She set up boundaries, she made it clear what would be too far, and I respected it.

Then about two weeks ago, something was...different~

The good kind of different.

She started reciprocating the flirting almost, and she started getting...almost forward. A little before then she had started initiating conversations, she was poking me if I took too long to respond, and being VERY chatty. And as someone with anxiety and autism and a boatload of other mental illnesses, traits me and her have in common, I know that when we do that, that means we REALLY LIKE whoever we’re doing it to.

At the end of that week, on Friday, she got...curious. I had mentioned a voice I could do, a seductive voice, that was my secret weapon for whenever I wanted to SERIOUSLY fluster someone or turn them on. And she doubted my abilities and wanted a demonstration.

As anyone who has heard me do that voice will know, that led to some...very interesting places, of which I will let her mention if she ever wants to~

But essentially, that night broke all the boundaries me and her had established previously.

We talked about that fact, and the next day, well...she asked me out, and of fucking course I said yes.

I was honestly over the fucking moon. And I’m so, so happy still. I was already pretty much in love with her, and this past week has only increased that feeling almost tenfold. I feel so, so incredibly safe around her, I feel happy and warm and good and talking with her is pretty much the highlight of my day.

I trust her and Jasper more than anyone, I can talk to her and I know she won’t judge me. She won’t expect me to do more than I’m capable of, she understands me and cares about me despite my (numerous) flaws.

I treasure her company greatly, I love her so so so much. She’s precious and adorable and wonderful and there are so many good things about her. She’s funny, she makes me laugh constantly, she’s absolutely ADORABLE and has the cutest mannerisms. The way she hides half of her face with her hair.

The way she’ll just stare at me for a good few minutes sometimes, making these cute little noises and giggles and then getting REALLY blushy when I ask her what she’s doing, (knowing full well what she’s doing)

The way she’ll randomly start lip-syncing to whatever song she’s listening to, promptly getting embarrassed about it.

The way she keeps constantly forgetting that I’m not actually there when we video call and she’ll move to reach over to touch me, and it’s ADORABLE.

And when she’s sleeping she looks so cute, she’s so peaceful and she’ll get this smile on her face sometimes and it’s so, so precious. She gets so flustered sometimes too, and she’s honestly BEAUTIFUL.

Like...oh my god. She’s so, so beautiful and so cute, I like, I blush when I THINK about her. Her hair is wonderful, her jawline murders me, she has SUCH PRETTY EYES, a really really cute voice, like aaaa, and her laugh cures my depression, and her smile is so bright and good and wonderful.

She makes me smile so much, she makes me feel so safe and important and warm and happy and good. And she’s so important to me, and so special, and I love her so sososososo much >////<

It’s honestly impossible to put into words how much she means to me. But I tried >///<

#moonspeak #the gay mess #mushy nonsense #don't reblog

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solasulad · 6 years

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Should I Feel Like This?

Ive put off writing for a bit.. My brains all over the place Like I do things to myself unknowingly realizing what the out come is. Last week Tuesday October 9th I went out to shisha with a girl friend. Ended off dropping her off at her place mad early like always and decided I still had time to kill before going home. So messages hermit. He was in my area watching a movie at the theatre.. said he’d leave the theatre to come see me and “hang” but I was kinda 50/50 on that. So he said come pull up and i did. Got in my car and we drove over to another fucking city within the region to get his car.

A total of 15-20 minutes on the highway knowing I only have my roads permit. During the car ride we were talking like saying we could’ve slept sooner back then but we both kinda didn’t think of it. He wasn’t feeling me and I wasn’t feeling him we where just friends. Could’ve pulled a move on him back in 2017 summer when we went to a club together and danced but after that we just went our separate ways.

Get to his car and we drive off to another location that’s empty.

We start making out and I’m now self-conscious because I have bath breath....

Me make out and he’s so aggressive mad aggressive like I’ve never seen. Biting my neck and nipples kissing me hard all over my body. I go down to give him head and he’s trying to get me to deep throat something I’ve never done before!!!! And his dicks already huge as fuck too. I tell him I can’t and he still continues to push my head down hurting me I couldn’t breathe. I look up at him and say I give up tapping out and he’s like “you’re not a freak like you said you where” I gave up. I get on top and slowly put his dick in me and I already felt the pain! I move in motion by my self and start screaming scratching him. About maybe 4 minutes in he pulls me off throwing me to the side and takes the condom off. I look at him like did you come? And he’s like no. So I said why’d you stop??? He’s like I’m hurting you. I said no!!! Wth why it was good why’d you stop. As he’s still taking the condom off I just look at him confused. He takes it off and steps out side still hard. I’m like your still hard wth? He’s like I’m 24 I can turn it off basically... I get quite. I fix myself my make up a mess, black tears on my cheeks from the mascara.

Tryna wipe it off putting myself together before he comes back in the car. I get dressed and just sit there confused.

As we drove back to my car he’s like “I normally had sex with older women”.. yah that makes sense... those women know what their doing.. so then he says tbh your soft, I would’ve hurt you. I’m like oh wow okay. Thanks I guess. So I say yah I guess I normally have a fuck buddy and his isn’t big as yours. Yours probably would stretch me out... I leave the car telling him I’m gonna hit up my fuck buddy and fulfil the rest of my night.

Well that’s that. I’m apparently soft. Been texting has continually to show him I here because I felt this vibe he’s been dealing with some shit and he called and cleared that up with me maybe last weekend of last week. Come to Wednesday night I stay in and keep it simple. Has called me during the afternoon but I felt a bit sick and just woke up conversation felt weird.

Thursday night I go into work. Get off Friday morning and text has and mo”de the same message “good morning” Mo’de responds back has doesn’t. Saturday I get off at 12pm and sleep for a bit Around 10pm ish I get a call from has telling me he fixed his car and that things are kinda okay now. I’m still showing him support also giving him a positive image and advice. I still text mo’de kinda on and off at this point. While still texting my neighbour about linking up so he could eat me out tehehe. Sunday afternoon I go into work get off at 12am and get a call from has around 1am. Prior to that when I was driving home I felt all sad. Like with all of these guys. I felt sad that when they’d ask me what was up I’d say nothing when in reality so much was going on. That I’ve built walls around myself and no one even notices. I kinda wished they cared more but I can’t change how they want to treat me. Come to a conclusion that I’d have to end one of the situationship I have going on with either mo’de or has. It’s tough cause they both told me not to leave them. But there i go Tryna make something that’s nothing into something. Even tryna plan things together outside of our regular day to day lives. So I said I’ll give it time and know my worth with these guys. So I get a call around 1am from has.. and I ignore it. I then get a follow up text message maybe 20 mins later stating that he has love and respect for me but he can’t see this going anywhere. Told me that he doesnt want to hurt my feelings and I can have a good life.

I read that messages and cried. I cried but laughed at myself. I wrote back saying I was trying but I get it hope he finds happiness and a peace in the near by future. I could’ve wished hell on him but I just couldn’t. I’m not like that. It’s all a whatever to me. I place myself in these situations but at least this time I was making use of it. Getting dicked down by other niggahs while claiming I was innocent and pure. Ha I’m living in my karma can’t blame myself. But I get it, felt that disconnection too. I’m not crying my eyes out like he probably thinks I am. I’m unfazed at this point I get it we didn’t connect I seen it with my eyes but it would’ve been fun to have fun with him. But it’s all good. That happened Sunday night. Monday came and I kept re-reading the text message. Like okay it was real.

Tuesday I went out shisha and more shisha posted snaps and insta video seen he still follows me confused like you think I’m gonna unfollow you nah niggah you’re gonna watch me post my snaps and vids see me all unfazed and Shit like you thought wrong bitch.

Wednesday night I stay in. Talked to mo’de via text like always talking about he wants to come to mtl with me on my bday weekend. Uhm I’ll think about it. Thursday night aka now at work We still talking told him my bro’s getting married to that girl he said he knew wanting to know any info on her. Then tonight he hits me up with that “when can I see you 🙄” asked why the face said it’s been too long. Yah you made it that why duh. But told him I’m mostly working weekends and that I chose that shift cause I don’t do shit on weekends. He replied back like our schedules don’t match but blah blah blah.

I don’t even see myself with him either. If anything he was the first on my list to cut off. Physically I’m not attracted to him, mentally we don’t connect he’s an air head and doesn’t show me any love that I need. Last we went out was the night before I went to Miami July.. then I last seen him was when we linked up last week of August.. then the whole shisha spot incident.... he messaged me like a week and a half later tryna see me. But it’s just so bad. I gave up on trying with him. He hurts me like the efforts I put in I don’t want that kinda hurt again.

If we link up we link up, but I’m not gonna settle for a car convo unless I’m cutting him off. And as stupid as I may sound... winters just around the corner. I might want his company but we’ll see what happens.

So i’m apparently soft, unattractive and not worthy of seeing.

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sanguinesprout · 7 years

Text

@0@.... x3x... ;u; I did something kinda good today... and also dredging up some backstory and some notes about my family... [Repost 090517]

Welp, I just finished a phone call to a referral service for a therapist person. And... and!! It was hella hard, awkward and nerve wracking, but I... I did it! :D I don’t want to get my hopes up too much, because there’s a chance it may not turn out too well or have that much of an impact, but it will hopefully give me more direction at least. Maybe it could even be something I could write about here as I go along, to record my progress in my own words, it’d be something to encourage and give me a reason to post more hmm... Anyways okay, don’t be overly expectant or think too or far ahead, silly self. I just wanna relish in the fact I did something I usually have so much trouble with, phone calls, and the fact that the subject was even harder this time (with all those deep personal questions that I have never expressed to anyone before), feels like I played a harder stage of the anti-avoidance game and levelled up a little hehe :3 (I’ve been calling to make appointments at the doctors for physical health quite a lot since last year and my phone service provider and a few other things like that which has actually helped me feel a little less anxious about phone calls, so exposure to fears does work! It’s just you have to start small and sometimes some pressure and force is needed to get the gears going~! So if I post more, then posting should get easier too, right!? It’s so difficult to bring the confidence to write, post and not just want to delete everything, but I’ll keep trying..! >:3)

I had been wanting to see a therapist again for a long time but obviously my avoidance and kind of blah past experiences got in the way of that. I have been to see a therapist (I think?) before in my days at both college and university, but this time feels more serious and is under the medical services sort of thing, so I have a bit more hope for it. Looking back to those times though, I am kind of proud of myself, because I tried, and not even once but twice in this instance and also there were many other times I pushed myself to do things to benefit myself and my health, because I knew I was struggling. I would give my past self a good pat on the head if I could. It’s so strange, me then and me now feel so different even though the same troubles remain, I feel like I’m an entirely different person somehow and I often wonder how I was able to conjure such courage and drive to improve back then (though I guess it’s because the situations were different, and the fact that I had some friends to talk to then and I was not physically ill to the extent I am now is probably also a big factor *sigh*).

Anyways, I know that even if I try my best to encourage myself to change my thinking, it would be nowhere near as effective or eloquent as the help of a specialist, so I had to take the initiative to get this train to healthier thinking up and running asap, hence me finally pursuing a therapist again. This time imma try much harder to get better! :U

I actually already requested and was referred to a therapist 2 years ago but never went through with it and the person on the phone today was able to pull up this information of course (though I mentioned it to them too), but it just helped to prove my avoidant-ness which was kind of good in a way I guess lol. The reason I didn’t continue with the past referral is because of some things my mum said. (Hmm.. I was writing a post about my family and their influence on me but I guess I’ll try and merge it into this post.) What happened was a letter was sent to my house explaining that I had requested therapy and to make an appointment by calling some number and my mum saw it and basically said some stuff like “You don’t really need this, do you? This kind of thing is for crazy people” these are not the exact words, especially the word crazy, but it’s too long ago to remember. Basically it was indirectly telling me not to go, that this was something weird and it made me scared and successfully deterred me from going (I’m worried something similar might happen again but I’m definitely gonna make myself go no matter what this time). When I think back on this, I regret not just going ahead, as I could have started making progress already (the subsequent years were wasted in me wallowing in my own sadness and a load of escapism through online gaming, pointless consumption of internet trash etc) but I was even weaker to the judgement from my parents then. The concept of normalcy and the desire for it is such a baffling and troublesome thing... :<

I have to mention that my parents are quite old fashioned in thinking and as such not educated in stuff like mental health, so it’s not entirely their fault they still have perceptions like this. It’s a difficult thing to even bring up, anything is when it comes to talking about feelings, in a place where this never really occurs... my household. When I went to therapy in both college and university (though brief and focused on social anxiety, which is all I thought I had then), it was something I didn’t want my parents to know about so I lied and just told them I had a spontaneous class then, as they could see my timetable and the times I had an appointment with the therapist were outside of those periods (but classes outside what was written on the timetable were common and actually did occur a lot then anyways so it was a believable ploy). I can see now that maybe this wasn’t the best thing to do, it made me very uneasy of course, but it made sense at the time. Anyways I didn’t want to cause any trouble to my family, for them to worry or deter me from taking the chance to feel more independent and take on my own problems. I still have the same kind of feeling now, though I can see that I was trying to avoid judgement back then just as much as I do now orz.

Then I can’t remember exactly how it led to this, though it seems likely the therapist recommended it, but I went to the doctor and got prescribed anti depressants and well my family definitely came to know about this (idk if it was before or after being prescribed it though). I can’t remember how everything went about but I took the meds for idk... I think less than a year(?) and came off them because the side effects were bad. The tablets were not some magical healing miracle of course, they made me feel just.... well, neutral .__. but that’s better than agonisingly depressed though... I mean I could still have sad thoughts, but the spiralling sad sort of mood just couldn’t occur and drag me down like before. I’m not sure if I could be happy either, or well I didn’t have the energy or reason to be happy anyways. The big downside was they made me feel even more brain foggy than I already was, I was lethargic and slept excessively and I was also very migraine-y and nauseous (this is actually how I am a lot of the time anyways lol, but the medicine exacerbated or brought on these symptoms consistently). I think I changed the medicine type to another but still struggled with the side effects. This was quite a handful of years back so some things are not 100% clear in my memory, but I remember it wasn’t a fun time lol. My family obviously saw the negative effects and were worried and didn’t want me taking them any more and so I guess I stopped just like that. I think my family is generally unfavourable towards taking medicines long term unless absolutely necessary, probably even more so about this, since this was for not for treating a physical ailment and you know there’s this whole stigma with mental health in general and treatment with medication and stuff.

Uh, I kind of sidetracked and forgot a lot of the stuff I wanted to write now lol... I just hope that this time with the therapist and everything will go better. When I think back to talking to the referral person, it actually didn’t go that smoothly to begin with or well, at all and it made me pretty uncomfortable and dampened my spirits slightly tbh. It was the most drawly conversation ever and idk it just didn’t seem as professional and polished as I would have expected it to be..? I’m also kind of nervous and confused because the referral person said I’d be contacted to arrange appointments and I asked about where they would be located and they said there’s many places and mentioned something about pubs...???? Aw jeez I should have listened better or ask more clearly but I kind of derped >^<;; I hope they were talking about future exposure methods or something and not flat out making me talk all my problems to them in public from the get go or something... XAX Like whaaaa? Is all therapy not done in a room in some clinical building? @A@ I’m getting kinda worked up over it, but I should just wait and see, I most likely just confused myself, anyways going to therapy is my choice and I don’t have to agree, right! Okay huff keep positive! I can go through with it!

Maybe I’ll write a bit more about my family now since I mentioned them in this post already and this post seems to have become very backstory-ish anyways, so might as well continue ya know~ How to start though..? Well, I kind of feel like my family is quite conservative and this can feel really restrictive, since what they probably want is a sensible and successful daughter and I guess so far I am the sensible (and timid as hell) part at least... orz. Also they do tend to judge me a lot and what they say actually does end up influencing a lot of my actions, but is this how it’s meant to be or am I just being too passive? My family is around me all the time, so it’s no mystery why I feel so caged in, why I’m growing so slowly and why I keep getting knocked back so much all the time. It’s not that they are bad people or that they don’t love me, it’s just that… sometimes things they say really hit me hard and also my parents have never really offered much in the emotional support department and maybe they don’t see it but they didn’t really help in my development as a functional adult either. I’ve always felt like my parents are different from all the other parents out there for many reasons and I really hate to compare them to others, but it happens. My parents are also the overprotective kind which doesn’t help to inspire independence, and I know for a fact I have grown to be very dependant and still feel like a child inside a lot of the time. As well as their old fashioned thinking, there is the big issue of their culture being different from the one all around me, the one outside which I have ended up feeling so alien to.

They are not completely unsupportive of me all the time or anything, it’s just idk... clash of interests? They do care for me deeply, it’s just hard to communicate about feelings and stuff. Every time I write something bad about them it makes me feel bad and I write some defending statement... I can’t help it... :/ I feel that my dad can be very condescending, or well has a prideful personality, so his words are particularly sharp and hurtful sometimes, while my mum is quick to dislike things or have slight prejudices etc. My dad quite easily throws around insults in the spur of the moment and is quite irritable in general. The fact that he doesn’t think about how the person on the receiving end feels or has a reason for whatever first can be particularly hurtful, but it’s because he’s fuelled with anger or annoyance at the time and he does realise and covertly feel bad about it later on. My mum doesn’t get annoyed or react as strongly to things but she has that kind of silent disapproval feeling. The weight of their words are so crushing sometimes and it makes it difficult for me to just be myself, without being afraid of them commenting something that’ll just make me not want to try again... idk if it is because of things like that, that I hold myself back or if it’s just lack of confidence in general too though >< They do care for me and want what’s best for me, it’s just bleh, like there is not as much freedom as there could be? I feel envious of other people who can enjoy being them self and that have parents that allow them that freedom and accept their choices unconditionally, aw >^<

I’ve never talked about my feelings with them and neither have they disclosed their own (but maybe this is the same way they were brought up?). Their displays of affection towards each other are so slight, and to me are there but kind of restricted... I don’t want to keep comparing them to other parents unconsciously but it just feels like they aren’t quite as affectionate as I wish they were, or as I’ve seen to be the norm. Normal... normal doesn’t exist right? Or it’s not the same for everything... everyone... .__. My parents take care of me and my living needs, we eat together at least once a day and have some small mostly pleasant conversations, occasionally we go shopping together but we don’t exactly spend much free time with each other (or at least not as much as in the past) even though we live in the same house. I’ve been trying quite hard since a while back to get my family to participate in some little activities like playing board games or watching tv together but it only worked very few times and the effort I have to go through is very tiresome as they are always so reluctant (also talking to my dad is really difficult because I suck at speaking my second language and can never get what I’m trying to say across coherently). But they also have things they want to do, and I respect that, it’s just that some of these things could easily be done together, but they aren’t. I thought back to my childhood and couldn’t remember ever having played together with my parents then, I mean I’m sure they did occasionally maybe but it doesn’t seem to have been significant enough to remember, which saddens me. They seemed to be working a majority of the time back then up until now, so my sister was the one that always played with me and stuff.

I’m writing like my parents totally ignore me but that’s not the case, idk how to phrase things well orz they are generally warm people but idk there’s just this feeling of disconnect and awkwardness. It doesn’t help at all that there’s a slight language barrier between me and my dad either, but I am trying my best :< I think my family doesn’t have much time together, because like I mentioned before my parents work so much, they try so hard because they have to look after me and my sister (though she also works, supports them back, has a secondary home and can take care of herself now). They put so much effort in what they do, they always want the best for those around them, the suggestions I put forward to make things easier for them are quite easily rejected though probably because they prefer to do things the way they’re used to. “How are you going to live/look after yourself when we’re not here anymore?” It really hurts hearing this, it just proves how useless and dependent I am, but neither of them allow me to do stuff around the house nor have they set aside time to teach me stuff :< I am constantly reminded that time is going so quickly, it’s both been mentioned and observed that my parents are getting older (I noticed that this is one of their worries, though they never talk about it to me, at least not directly), I know they can’t support me forever... and I don’t want it to be this way, life hurts and I can’t help but feel powerless. The thing is I am very aware of everything, and there isn’t a moment when I look at them that I don’t worry for them, I don’t want for them to have to work so hard, I want to be able to get a job, I want to be independent and I want to be there for them. It’s all so difficult... I feel like even though I’m trying, it’s much too slow, it not enough... But I have to just keep pressing on... I... can do something... :c

About my sister, even we find each other annoying so often, and even though many of the things she also had said spurred the most darkest feelings in me, I am really grateful that she is here. Lately I felt we were kind of growing a bit distant too because she has so much adult responsibilities to tend to and I just sit here like a lost child, I feel like a burden and don’t want her to have to think she has to look after me forever either. I’m also still very wary around her (because she does judge me quite easily all the time too) but she listens to my worries when I do finally get the courage to say them and the most recent time she was very kind about it. I think she is as close to a ‘safe person’ as I could have, she's been helping me quite a lot lately and though she doesn’t fully understand the extent of how I am affected, she could still relate to some of the things I felt which felt somewhat relieving. Being able to confide in each other about feelings and other general stuff again like we used to is definitely something very valuable, reassuring and that I’m thankful of.

I feel so silly for being too sensitive and getting angered or hurt whenever people say things to me, but I never want this feeling escalate into resentment or straight up blaming. Everyone has problems of their own and/or things in the past that may have affected them and made them behave how they do. Things aren’t always intentional, and people can genuinely be unaware of how their words and actions can affect others or the extent of such. It’s all about communication and understanding and sadly, this is one of the biggest pieces of puzzle missing in my life, but maybe I can find it again and put it in place soon with a little help.

Words are so impacting, they can wound so deeply but they can also be so powerfully uplifting, I have to fill my life with the ones that bring positive change, try harder to do the things that really matter and learn to appreciate myself, others and life more. Don’t look back, don’t back down, don’t give up...!! It’s hard now but I can get through it, I have to believe in myself more!

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