#in all seriousness this was very therapeutic for me and i hope you don't think it's ugly!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

drippingmoon · 5 months

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Merry new year to everyone, again! 🥳💞🥂

I know it wasn’t an event this year, but writing a yearly wrap-up is really therapeutic, you know? So I decided to continue the tradition, and if anyone wants to join me, absolutely view this as an open invitation^^ Introduction is over, and now let’s see what 2023 looked like:

(spoilers: I adored it. I'm also probably going to make this my fixed post, in case anyone ever wants to catch up with me. And also because my second baby, AoS, is growing, and it doesn't have an intro, but I can't leave it out.)

Stats

Aquiver, Aglow: 181k (draft 4) + 195k (draft 5) + hmm, draft 6 is an outlier, because I didn’t rewrite from scratch, so I’m unsure of the written word count. I didn’t change much from draft 5, so I’d say an extra 15-20k. Total word count: 376k+

Remains of a Night: 120k

Aberration of Sunlight: 134k

This was definitely my most productive year to date. And I got so hungry: the more I wrote, the more I just wanted to keep writing, and honestly? I’m proudest of myself for literally carving writing time whenever I got a spot into my schedule. Mostly it was from 8pm-11pm, but I had a mad run where my only free window was from 1am till I literally felt I was dying… I’ll talk about that separately🤣🤣👌

Though, I'm seriously understating it.

Like a lot of other people, I would have all these hours when I was younger when I didn't have anything to do, yet I'd still find some excuse not to write. "I'm waiting for the right time." "I'm anxious I'm not going to get it right." "Tomorrow! Tomorrow I can start right from the morning, and I'll have more time to write, yeah?" or "I'm too tired now, it's late..." and so the snowball rolled down and downhill and I found every reason under the sun not to write, now that I think about it. Sigh. So much time wasted. But I can't regret it either, because I needed those baby steps at that time.

And now! Now I do what I thought I'd never learn to: I prioritize, and I actually organize my daily stuff so it's not so impossible anymore to have a little bit of writing time. I don't take it for granted either. It feels like such character growth for me, I'm immensely proud of it.

And for the record? This year was a huge improvement over yesteryear mentally, too. It turns out, what I needed to get over my word count anxiety… was to be faced with people who literally didn’t give a fuck about it, and just cared about the story. One of the most unexpected things beta stage managed to do to me… was to quench all my anxieties. It’s as simple as that. I read and enjoy very long books. People also do that. So, I’m very happy to say I’m no longer in a tizzy about ‘quiv. It might kill my chances for trad publishing, it might not. I’ll be happy come what may.

Because it’s so simple how working on ‘quiv or thinking about it makes me joyous, and now I can just enjoy that freely. I will miss writing this story so much. I really will. But at least I’ll have it forever to reread, and I hope this thought brings comfort to everyone who also has problems letting go, like it does to me.

Let’s break it down a little, shall we?🤩

Aquiver, Aglow◇◇◇

My little star of the hour. How fond I am of it.

Like you could glean from above, ‘quiv went through three drafts this year. More specifically: in the first part of the year, practically almost as soon as February arrived. I knew it was getting closer to the final version, and gave me the push to finish all three back to back. I couldn’t justify anymore the bazillion AUs I do with rewrites (basically, WHAT IFs from events, WHAT IF it went this different way, WHAT IF Tyrone actually said this here… and so on and so forth. I wanted to test out as many pathways as possible, and did I exhaust every one of them in existence? Definitely not. I don’t think that can happen, you just keep getting new ideas. On and on. What happened, instead, is that these couple different pathways, at some point, cemented themselves as canon in my mind. I didn’t want to tease myself with alternatives anymore, and that’s when I knew they would be it. Some bits from the first draft, some from the third, some from the second. Some were even draft 6 originals!

It’s a bit of a weird process. I definitely didn’t need to reach draft 3, and meet Mezusa, because I could’ve feasibly made it work with just Yles in the story. It still would’ve made sense, though in a different way. But if I hadn’t… I might’ve missed one of the best characters I’ll ever probably have created, and the story (and Yles) is much stronger for her, if you ask me.

For that matter, yes, full rewrites every single draft might take a lot of time and effort, but honestly I don’t think I’d ever change my writing process (save for the moments of frustration when I think I will lol) because of the sheer satisfaction of it. Whoever said so long never to settle on the first version, I owe you a beer and probably some curses as well lmao, but very lovingly. You shaped my writing life.

I don’t have much else to share about ‘quiv, other than it’s off with my beta readers my beloved, and maybe a tentative promise that, if anyone wants, you’ll be able to read this precious ball of hope of mine relatively soon. This story is so gentle to me. And as much as I loved to write and work on it, I dearly hope that whoever decides to give it a go, is treated just the same. That’s the only wish I have.

I also don’t know if I’ll go trad or self-published. Instincts say trad, because I fuckin’ suck at marketing (fact), and I know I’d grow resentful if I’d have to put so many hours into advertising when I know I could instead… write. I’m a writer. That’s the only thing I know how to do. Trad, however, might not be as kind on a ~200k as life’s been, so I might not have a choice. If it comes down to that… I’ll just treat it as I do everything. I don't love this story any less if I just write, publish without a fuss, hope that maybe, just maybe, a reader or two will stumble upon the story and we could talk. Maybe we can have the fun of our lives, create some genuine connection. I know that’s applies to a lot of writers. I hope we can accomplish it.

And so, I’ll finish this section of the wrap-up with a kiss to my ‘quiv, for all the warmth it’s ever brought me. It’s come so far, I know it can live distinct from me from now on. It brings me great comfort. And I look forward to the times I’ll reread it, and we can relive our best experiences together. Never thought I’d get to this point. Thank you, ‘quiv.

Remains of a Night♤♤♤

Mwhahaha! And because ‘quiv took all the pressure, this left AoS to be an extremely fun and spirited experience. Literally the chillest I’ve ever been writing. In many ways, it’s more my thing than I expected ‘quiv to be: I get to murder characters left and right, it’s more plot-heavy and banking on the tension created by a creature that horrifies the characters down to their marrow, but still the only way to defeat it is to know it better, which, uh, might have unpleasant consequences for them. It’s got chase and stealth scenes, and it always shoots me with adrenaline to think about them. In short, exactly my jam.

It’s not a new book, nope. You knew it before as Aberration of Sunlight, but from the get-go I felt it would be bigger than ‘quiv. Very fortunately for me, I had a place where to break it, and behold: there’s RoaN (book 1), and AoS (book 2). There might be a third book, which I dearly hope not because titling sucks, but it depends on the Sycamine arc. More on that in AoS.

One last thing to note, before we delve into the story (hoo-ray for earlier drafts, because I can talk more frankly about them). This is the culprit of my 1am writing adventures!!😫❤ My schedule became too packed, then NaNo came round and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to honor how AoS began, because it was last year’s NaNo, aaand I’m happy to say I won NaNo, somehow, with 56k down before I died. At that time, I only had one section left to write (from both books), otherwise, hahahaha, yeah, it wouldn’t have flown. Still, most of draft 2 I’d written in September-October, with my fairy lights, late nights, and cups of hot cocoa, exactly like how life should be<3

Alright. We’re going through them chapter-by-chapter again, exactly because I love seeing the titles so much:

ACT 1

Cracked Visor, Scorpion Grass

I did it! I did! Twas another shower thought I managed to get down in time. Bare broken sentences, but they did the impossible, and arranged this chapter into a structure I adore to bits and won't ever change. (And 'quiv's naughty voice left me alone for once and I could write it properly!) While I don't think I'll ever be happy with a first chapter (not as a concept, but the writing — part of me will always wish that the reader just had all the information already lol), this one is in the right place.

It pays its respects to the story of the broken helmet at the foot of a spaceship, and how it reconnects Madigan with all the people who'd suffered from being tethered to the planets when they yearned to fly, but the Beast punished them cruelly for it. It makes him feel phantoms of their efforts. The tone is exactly what I needed this story to start from: melancholy and numbly hopeless, against the backdrop of the Beasts's echoed cries.

Rain Through the Universe

Unlike 'quiv, because RoaN and AoS are way more plot-heavy, it's not as easy to change things willy-nilly (whereas 'quiv was all about character bonds and dynamics). As such, it's very similar to draft 1. Because of that, I'll frankendraft next (select and combine drafts 1 and 2, rewrite to connect them) and afterwards I'll try something I've always wanted to. (Scrivener keeps hinting at it!) I'm gonna split the chapters into scenes, and focus on those individually and how I can just rewrite them and set their purpose in stone<3 I'm excited!

As for the chapter itself, gods, I love the atmosphere. Just the wreckage of a sundered ship, and Madigan’s sudden madman appearance making a lasting impression on Spica, because how could it not. They no longer answer distress calls in that age, it just means more dead bodies. In fact, they're forbidden to. Madigan instead brings him what he himself lacks: hope. And a lot of crawling around while dreading the Beast's lambent eye opening, and oh my, the moments are really flying by😈👏 extreme fun for me as the writer.

Aberration of Light

If you remember, the books follow two timelines, which will connect at some point. The first and main one is Madigan and Spica’s story. The other is Holloway’s, in the distant past of that universe, and who’s been dubbed the most selfish man in existence. That’s important, because of how the Beast came to be. But that becomes important later. For now, a weird-ass new recruit has joined the ship, and the witchy crew will very soon start making bets if she’s the Beast in human flesh, which really wouldn’t bode well for their future.

Night Falls On Their Reflection

Draft 2 became Spica’s draft. It was high time. He didn't exist in the original idea beyond chapter 2, but he refused to die with his story untold. And now he's one of the most independent thinkers I've ever written. Now he's Madigan's son (yes, even at 25), best friend, back-to-back partner all in one, and I could watch the trust and mutual respect between these two forever. To be sure: Madigan comes up with the dumbass plans, and Spica's only too happy to follow him through everything (it is good fun.)

He's repaying the incredible kindness Madigan's shown him when answering his distress call, after all.

But it goes a bit further than that, doesn't it? Madigan is used to watching over myriad people. He's the Superintendent of his planet, and while he genuinely loves people, kindness is his default. It doesn't go further than that for him. He doesn't necessarily think people need, much less desire his presence there beyond Madigan extending help, and most of the time, he's content with that. Kindness does make him happy. And it should be the same with Spica now, shouldn't it? He's kind, but he's not Spica's family, nor ever will be. Yet he immediately feels a connection with the boy, that has nothing to do with bonding over escaping-a-cosmic-disaster. And so does Spica.

This is the moment when Madigan starts feeling guilty, for stepping where he should not. But here's the beauty of Spica's character: he's nothing if not dead sure of his own feelings, and what he sees with his eyes. It's okay if Madigan keeps unexpectedly taking steps back. For very long, there'd been nobody to support Spica's beliefs. So he does the same, as when he followed his heart to go into dead space: he believes in himself and Madigan, and that their paths aren't meant to diverge. They mean too much to each other for that to ever happen.

(In short, and legend says you can still hear me screeching about these two ten thousand years later, I love these two so much, and especially the parallels between Spica going alone into outer space and loving Madigan.)

(And, okay, obviously all these developments don't happen in a single chapter, but I couldn't stop gushing🤭🥰.)

Who Puts These Tombs in Ice

Overall, I think draft 2’s Luitgart performed worse than draft 1. Mainly it's the setting I want to revert (still an icy, sempiternally dark hell, but with different ice constructions) because some of the beats are a huge improvement, and again, I gotta combine the two. Otherwise, I’m still as obsessed about the Luitgart arc as I’ve ever been, and huge thanks to it for being so strong it could function as an ending of its own, allowing me to split the book.

Gettin’ into spoilery territory, but I have to un-kill Madigan so many times it leaves me in hysterics. That was what I was supposed to fix this draft. It got worse. Considerably.

(One constant: the chapter being a love letter to Madigan, and how his first answer will always be to help the other, no matter if they deserve it or not<3 and finally, finally, he gets acknowledged for it, and the favor returned.)

ACT 2

Lemon-Dotted Days + Remnant

Two Holloway chapters! I’m actually massively pleased with how they’ve turned out. Last year, I said the main issue was that I had an outline, and that never works for me. So I did what I do best and rewrote everything from scratch, and the result is both uncanny and… unexpected.

Unexpected, because I never in my life thought Holloway’s voice would make me laugh so much. He’s supposed to be unsympathetic, but then you get his interactions with Saintlark (the new crewmate, possibly Beast) where they’re contemplating the harvest of a nebula, and he’s harshly critical of it, which gives Saintlark hope… only to go deadpan One Moment Later: if they’d used the nebula to prolong their lives instead of bolstering the war, they wouldn’t have died like clown idiots.

And, they could’ve maybe stolen immortality from the nebula. They would've had to share it with him, of course. Or he would've murdered them to get it.

That, my guys, is his personality in a nutshell.

I have a lot of feelings on Holloway now, and most involve me huffing and slapping my forehead while groaning, but oh my gods. Was it ever so fun. And wait, wait, wait. Since I'm talking of humor (apparently a lot of comedy fit into this horror lmfao) I have to show you guys the following section🤣🤣👏:

Corpse Snow

The drifters are set howling on the ice. They share glances, five separate vehicles nodding at each other. Madigan revs up the engine, splitting the air with a jet of steam and vibration.

The last of the marines are climbing into the box. A figure flashes past Madigan’s drifter — and he leans over, teeth grinding because of his ribs, and he does his very best to grab someone by the back of their suit and pull. Workout days were never his strength, though. He only succeeds in stopping them in the frost smoke.

It’s Spica dangling from his hand, expressionless.

Lieutenant Hahn instantly seizes on the situation. He throws Madigan a long, withering look. “Whatcha doing, Boss?” he asks softly, about to unhinge his jaw again.

Madigan nudges Spica into the drifter. “Picking up your boy.”

Spica gets the hint and deposits himself into the front seat, glancing from his father to his Superintendent. He seems to give up on whatever’s going on, and makes himself cozy in the frosty spot. And Madigan, of course, pretends not to notice Hahn’s drifter sliding closer.

“And you didn’t consider I might want to have my son with me?”

Madigan looks up and sighs. “Lieutenant, dear Lieutenant,” he starts pleadingly. “Why won’t you show some leniency to a poor, wounded man?”

Hahn’s drifter stops, summoning a breeze across the icy floor that gently rocks the other vehicle. His breathing distorts the comms with static. “And what exactly is my son right now?”

“My trusty navigator,” Madigan answers easily.

“Sir’s emotional walking stick?” Spica pipes in at the same time.

They both look over. Spica’s quietly turned to the navigation, as serene as daylight, seemingly oblivious to how Madigan's expression changes, lightning-fast. He quickly hides it under the guise of a polite mask, as the marines stir and turn their attention on them. They’re snickering.

Lieutenant Hahn throws up his hands, giving up on everything.

This is also the first 30k chapter I’ve ever written. It's everything I've ever wanted to do with ice.

Heart of the Void

The end of the book. Originally, it was the ending section to Corpse Snow, but since it already got so ungodly long, I chipped off that bit and I have to say I’m very happy with how it works as an epilogue! So it ends the frosty, weary journey, and I can’t see the two books as separate yet, but here we bid goodbye to the first.

Aberration of Sunlight♧♧♧

I did the unthinkable and created a fifth arc. This might not seem like much to you, but I was screaming bloody murder you guys😭😭😭. Sigh. It’s so sigh. For so long, AoS consisted of four clear-cut acts, but it was necessary. With the introduction of Sycamine, and making it two books, it was just needed. It’s still one of the worst things I’ve ever done because I was used to four😃💔

(The chapters continue from where RoaN left off – from chapter 10, to 21.)

ACT 3

Retro Spectrum

Sycamine, oh Sycamine. Definitely the break I needed before Days in Darkness. It made for a really neat beginning. It’s calmer, focusing on the knowledge they have on the Beast. It’s also a reflection on Procyon (their main star) and the story of the two straggler dog constellations, and what they'd been running away from. I liked the direction it took. It veered away from the Beast for a bit, so the tension kept expanding in the background. And when it returns, well... maybe they shouldn't have been so eager to see it again🤭.

It suffers from the same syndrome as draft 1’s first chapter… it’s there in the vicinity of the idea, but too much to the left. Not bad for a first attempt. The setting annoys me – I really don't enjoy writing cities, and AoS didn't change that. So, for our next try, I was thinking... maybe we don't need to be on the planet, but up close and veeery personal with it. It's a secret❤.

And, oh gods. I put a moustache-twirling villain in this. And then I couldn’t stop myself from naming some sucker Sweetman Calories. I don’t know what happened to me during those days, but I’m crying🤣🤣🤣.

Toast to the Light

Holloway and Saintlark’s story is slowly coming to an end. Unexpectedly bleaker than draft 1, yet it feels much more sincere. Holloway has a way of saying everything Saintlark needs to hear. No surprise. They did that to themselves.

Dissonant Recognition

Ahhhh, the Madigan-is-slowly-losing-his-grip-on-reality chapter, or maybe he should really stop staring into the suns. One of my favorites<3 Also because it features Moren (!!!) who has a blast staying in the grey morality area, because she doesn’t know if her actions could ever matter, or if she could change anything. Does she just exist? Is she a player or just pawn? Who knows. Besides that, she gets along great with Spica. They form such a teasing duo, the level of mutual respect they felt for each other on sight was a delight to write. My favorite ally of theirs, even if her destiny lies elsewhere.

Night Beneath the Elevator

Best title hands down, dethroning Solgesis. I’m going batshit crazy about the visuals, it's exactly my thing. This half-light slanted over an elevator waiting in a rundown basement to be boarded. And there's something underneath it, and always has been. Something insidiously creeping up and waving its tendril fingers at you as you're just waiting for the fucking thing to ascend. Immaculate, guys, I'm telling you, and I'm cursing my hands because I can't make a wallpaper of this. I want to eat that atmosphere.

Time-sensitive missions, y'all.

And why the heck did nobody inform me I was going to add Command as an actual character and have them talk with Madigan?! That entire convo, made up entirely on the spot but somehow with a direction, made me realize what an idiot I’d been for not doing it sooner. They mean so much to Madigan, after all.

(And Mariya. So much Mariya in these chapters.)

ACT 4

Loop System

Like Who Puts These Tombs in Ice, draft 1 might’ve done it better. Not Spica and Madigan, though, because of the sheer development Spica’s been through and the dynamic he’s managed to form with the crew. It's different from Madigan’s, but similar enough that it’s got Hahn commenting lightly: [Spica’s] picked up quite a few habits from Madigan, hasn’t he? Almost as if they’ve gotten very very close, huh? How about Madigan tell him more?

(I adore writing Hahn.)

Outreach

Another Holloway chapter. Doesn’t have the punch of the kids subplot from draft 1, but this just makes it worse for Saintlark personally, because, this time, the consequences are on her.

Days in Darkness

I knew the moment I first got the idea this would be my favorite chapter. Well, it finally happened in draft 2: when the entire crew is here, this time, and ready for the final countdown, to relive the experience of being trapped in a ship that's disintegrating. No more heroes left behind. I'd been so tired writing this chapter in draft 1, but this time around it was incredible. Everything went up sharply from here, both in terms of events and how on fire I was.

(Maybe less than the gorgon, but I was.)

ACT 5

Echo Terminal

The first of the two log chapters.

I've never written smoother, more visual chapters than in this period. Days in Darkness changed me so much, I was writing day and night by this point and couldn't get enough. Well, I hit my limit in the second half of the very last chapter, but I am beyond satisfied. Even the Beast's metamorphosis took me by storm, because I'd been wondering what the final verbs, the final images, the final design for it was going to be. I didn't expect it to come to me this early, and with such thrill. Those were my very best days of the year, and I toast to them.

(And I knew it was going to be fantastic when Halo's Warthog Run OST started blaring in my head, with as much adrenaline.)

Where, Now? + Solgesis

My beloved. The second and last of the two log chapters, but it’s Noelle Saintlark’s log.

Holloway’s timeline ends here. Or maybe it just gets carried into the future. I thought I’d want to rewrite his parts again, make the plot just a tiny bit more psychedelic and nonsensical because it’s so close to the Beast… but Solgesis put all my fears to rest. Even the formatting and layout is a bit of that special thing I’ve always wanted to try, and it really changes the perspective of the previous chapters. There's a new confession that stands at the heart of Holloway's stories.

Honestly, the only thing that needs urgent working on is the anger at the end of the chapter.

Anger is so hard for me to write sometimes. Not because I don’t connect with it, but because I feel self-conscious writing it. The wildest I felt it was when I tackled 'quiv's chapter 3 and Imera's Turning speech, both in quick succession (before I'd even written draft 1. I'd been taking notes.) Since then... I just thing back to how keenly I'd felt that anger, and I kind of intimidate myself out of it. Kind of like a natural resistence, I quench it from myself. Which is actually hilarious when you think about it. It’s like I’m going I BANISH THEE FROM MY BRAIN because generally, as a person, I dislike feeling and operating on anger. But no worries. I’m going to find a way around it.

Watch me😎.

What Goes Around…

(Now it’s the time for me to start crying some rivers, and, alright, it won’t be visible so I’ll say it: the chapter titles are holding a conversation, guys. They speak to each other. And sometimes it’s both sides of the same coin, like how What Goes Around (comes around) hints here. If you take two chapters, one from the beginning and one from the end (for example 1 and 21) it'll tell you a little secret. Okay, What Goes Around and Rain Through the Universe communicate through their plot, which I can’t spoil but of course it has to do with Madigan and Spica and how they first meet… but there is one title pair that does it best visibly.

Lemon-Dotted Days and Days in Darkness.

And I hadn’t even planned this. All the parallels I wanted to draw… I feel like they built themselves, guys. They really did, and it makes me so wildly happy I don’t even know how to stop my hands from flailing.

And, with them being 21 chapters, they meet in the middle, on the one unpaired chapter.

Called Toast to the Light.

I friggin’ love everything.

New Sunrise, Forget-Me-Right

Of course, Forget-Me-Right is a play on Scorpion Grass. But it’s also such a gentle name for the chapter, because everything ends here. Lying on their backs, staring out into the universe, and it really, really is over. Just a dark horizon on which stars flare and bloom. And suddenly, that maddened rush to make every sacrifice count, to remember every soul they’ve encountered because the legend says the Beast absorbs you when it kills you – all that suffocating pressure dissipates. Lightness remains. Because they’ve protected each other.

For the first time in my writing journey, blood rushed to my head with such emotion I had to stop writing, which never happens. I had to look up and exclaim, holy fuck. But how could I not, considering how the story ends for the Beast? I am speechless. A lot of gorgeous surprises this draft.

Conclusion□●□

Whew, what a year it's been! As for how 2024 will probably look like, though I don't like making plans: finishing the beta stage for 'quiv, and tackling RoaN and AoS's draft 3. Thaaaat one I'm actually starting on Christmas, when I can (finally!!) reread draft 2 with my mug of hot cocoa (or maybe mulled wine for a change) and, no surprises here, I'm hyper stoked for that<3 <3 <3 I legit can't wait to see where the new draft brings them. I might not have set any expectations for them, but they're vying to keep up with 'quiv and I adore it🤭❤

As for my lovely friends... well, you know by how I spam your tags how much I adore you and wish you happiness forever🤩🥺🥳 I don't know what my activity will look like in the near future, so for now I won't be saying anything, and my semi-hiatus continues. Semi, because you're unforgettable and I crave to see what everyone's been up to and (!!!!) what you've written!

So let's meet in 2024 again, and all the best wishes to you, the reader🥰🥂❤.

#ayearofwriting #2023 #aquiver-aglow #aberration of sunlight

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e2019 · 3 months

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the sub doctor upped my dose cuz he thinks i'm a high relapse risk tho personally i feel that my risk of relapsing is lower than it ever has been before for where i'm currently at but i guess thats kinda a hollow n meaningless statement as i've already decided to do it pretty much i just want to delay it as long as possible

idk for how long i can keep benefitting from what i've been doing tho cuz i almost thought the way i'm using the subs would put me in a position where i'm withdrawing from them too but it seems more like the opposite actually i have to keep decreasing the dose because taking the same amount even 2x in a row my tolerance drops in btwn atp if i take 4mg+ i'll probably be nodding.

so what i'm realizing is there's a limited window of time during which it's possible to use subs "therapeutically" without committing to being on maintenance cuz i don't wanna get fucked up on em but eventually any dose no matter how small will be too much it seems. it's hard to find people to ask for opinions or talk about stuff for advice cuz other ppl on subs are, for the most part, uppity squares who are retarded &/or whipped enough to do unquestioningly whatever their doctor tells them

so anyways idk it kinda feels like no matter what i do i'm only going backwards. by some metrics i think i am making observable/measurable progress tho like i don't wanna count my eggs before they hatch or whatever but i'm only a few days shy of 1.5mo off heroin so i just have to do again what i've already done and that'll be 3mo which in the grand scheme of things isn't very long at all but it's nonetheless very important because it's the biggest milestone in getting off opioids imo because thats the point at which you start feeling significantly better like significantly significantly

and i've only ever made it that far like a laughably small number of times considering that i've tried to quit heroin a countably infinite number of times. and each attempt was such a struggle for me each day felt like a week and each week felt like a month each month felt like a year like i'm sure this sounds so stupid & overdramatic like omg it's only 3mo just suck it up but it feels impossible and it's not even like you're completely better after 3mo it's just after that point the lingering symptoms are no longer entirely incapacitating.

anyways the time is just flying by i know for sure i'll make it to 3mo with relatively little effort i have confidence i can stay sober for at least 6mo this time but after that idk all bets are off but no matter what happens i'll feel really good about that because i've only ever done that once before so it'll be like a new personal best almost. idk i have high hopes cuz i'm able to think about all kinds of other things that i want/want to do that will motivate me to not spend all my time/money on drugs.

i get i have not been sober for very long atp so it's really too early to say what will happen like maybe i shouldnt be so hopeful but honestly i think it's a good sign because it's hardest at first & gets easier with time, liek usually i would be so much more obsessive atp i wouldn't be able to think about anything but getting high i would be out of my literal mind fiending but i feel like i have the control/patience to wait until i've made the (somewhat) "rational" decision that it's worth it which at this point in time it's definitely not, except that has literally never stopped me before.

no matter what i decide to do i think this is a W for me because i didn't go in to this with the intention of staying sober forever i just wanted to slow down and regain some control over my use and i'm learning to do that i think

oh and i also haven't done, and have hardly even thought about doing, seriously retarded shit like shooting up water which typically it's a real challenge for me to make myself stop doing that. even if i never stop using i'm cautiously beginning to wonder if i could, at the very least, eventually get myself to stop shooting up but idk because i know it would take a looooooot of work, not to mention it'd mean i'd have to smoke crack.

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chichiricatsan · 6 months

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For the Writer's ask game – I'm curious about: 3,6 and 15!

Ahh! Thank you, thank you @weer02! I hope your writing isn't causing you to suffer too much its way! Caulscott shippers unite...in our boats...on a sea of tears... ToT <3

3. The WIP you're most attached to.

UMMM...all...of...them?? GAHH this is such a loaded question gahhhhhhhhhh D: I love them all for various reasons. I guess if I had to pick one right now it'd be the Ryan Lucan/Fem!OC one I mentioned from my first answer to some of these asks - mostly b/c it's more of a coping fic for self-projection but shhhh, we writers don't do that nooooo SHHHHH...

6. Which part of writing annoys you the most?

Proofreading and editing, writer's block, the existential dread setting in and slipping slowly into madness as one tries to write and more WIP ideas invade like a swarm of locusts until one's mind is a buzzing static of nothingness...? Writing. I love it, but...I hate it all at the same time...?? I hate it with love of course. And in that love, I write out the hate. I am making noooo sense. Or possily the most sense. Hurgh. :T

15. Is there any scene you were/are scared of writing? Why?

Okay, haha funny gif, but seriously, it's mostly anything to do with affection beyond holding hands and/or outside "status quo" BS. This extends to my drawings as well. I've gotten better over the years, but it's because I've cut myself off from people who've f*cked with me and my sense of worth and sexuality and everything to do with sexual...anything. I was raised very, VERY conservatively, that "ugly" conservatism, and with a lot of shaming, and that shame is so ingrained in my brain that it sometimes makes me physically sick to get over these hurdles. I had to teach myself a lot and learned things from my mother (when she didn't have her own issues to address), friends, and some of my more compassionate and patient doctors over the years (which, sadly, wasn't all that many). These issues also align with my triggers as a survivor of abuse in multiple forms, and I have to work very hard to be in harmony before I can write or draw a scene with a more risqué nature. It's therapeutic to do so, and I admit I'm more comfortable somehow drawing it than writing it, but I think that just stems from me always drawing from a young age rather than writing--a hobby I picked up more at the tail end of high school and whilst in college. I still have yet to do anything past a certain threshold. Sometimes I just don't want to for personal preferences or reasons.

But yeah... tl;dr: I can't draw/write teh sexy times easily :(

-> OG link for anyone wanting to ask me questions or have others ask them!

#asks #ask game #writing

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khaleesiofalicante · 7 months

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Hellooo! I just got back from a trip with my friends, we went to Barcelona and let me tell you, trips are therapeutic I had no idea but now I feel better and ready to face the work I left behind (not really, I want to run back to Spain). How are you?? Congratulations for tackling down most of your work, and I'm sorry people are giving you more work, that sucks. Let us know if you need someone to uhm handle them, I know some people🙃

Also, we went to Sagrada Familia, I don't know if you know it but it's this beautiful church, I mean I'm not even religious but I felt a shiver when I went in. And it had this beautiful huge glass stained windows inside and the moment I saw them I was like "Oh my god I have to take a picture with them like Lance and Arthur!". Long story short I took many, I'm so happy about that! The colors also fitted my dress so they're pretty aesthetic😌 And when I post them I want to write "Mavid" underneath but no one will get it😔 How I wish I lived in the IALS universe right now

And let's not forget the highlight of the week, the race. We were out when the race was happening so I didn't get to see it but when I saw Lewis was leading at some point I wanted to cry! And then if course Mercedes bottled the strategy, honestly what the hell were they thinking? I mean Lewis gave it his everything and they ruined it, they need to get their act together. Everytime I saw how nervous Max was when Lewis got closer I swear I giggled. P2 was a great result and I went to bed happy and then I saw the disqualification in the morning and what the hell was that?? What on earth is wrong with the FIA, seriously?? I want to punch them. Could they at least try to sabotage him more discreetly? And I read somewhere that they checked like half the cars after the race and not all, wow really fair. Please tell me you also want to sue the FIA.

Okay, I'm done for now! I kinda missed Mavid so my notes app got super filled again and I will drown you with my thoughts later🌷

PS: We saw this Lewis poster on one of the streets and I didn't see it at first but one of my friends did and she stopped walking and went like, let's get a picture of you with your man and I swear to you I almost cried from joy, my friends really know me🥰 And then I took like a million photos😅

Vickyyyyy!

Barcelona sounds amazing and I'm so happy you had a fantastic time with your friends! And ahhhhhh stained glass mirrors for the win! everyone needs to take a pic in front of it!

What the fuck was that race? I am equally mad at the FIA and Mercedes because this is getting ridiculous at this point. I genuinely don't know how Lewis is putting up with all this bullshit because I WOULD BE SETTING SOMETHING ON FIRE AFTER ABU DHABI 2021.

Freaking out when you randomly spot a Lewis poster and then taking a photo with it is a very personal experience (i saw a cutout of him at the gaming arcade and tried to steal it loool)

Hope you get to rest and recover from your trip bebe 💙

#oh vicky you're so fine

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rabbitindisguise · 8 months

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Went out in public public for the first time with crutches. Folks were right- the pity thing is really annoying. I don't think it would be as annoying if that wasn't already a PTSD trigger, but I was still annoyed nonetheless. Let's hope I Never need to use those guys again. I'm going to tape the hell out of my ankles to avoid it

But besides that therapy went great and my therapist was like "you need a routine and need to stop not talking to people" and I mean she's right so -_- guess what I'm doing next week. Also getting started on my disability write ups for my next doctor where I summarize my care/current treatment goals, and a write up for my next therapist on my mental health goals. Plus backing up my phone, fixing my laptop, Talking To People, etc

We mainly talked about identifying triggers and signs my symptoms were getting worse and I made the suggestion that I should check in on that every week to give myself a goal to shoot towards. Now that I don't have the SSI stuff hanging over my head I need to make plans for me for what I want to do. I think I want to be at a place where I can run (or co-run) a craft munch, or maybe publish a fic or something. Something that really challenges my social anxiety in a productive way to get me to see that Not All Things Scary. Maybe I could manage it if I turn off comments or something idk

In the meantime:

Clean my room

Work on laptop

Back up phone

Back up discord

Call insurance

Uhhhh and hmm not sure what else. Probably nudge online friends more. I've been watching a lot of anime recently and it's been helping my depressive episode along real well so I should probably put a cap on that (besides JJK) for awhile. Firm bedtime of midnight and wake time of 9-10 a.m. and medications by 2 p.m. etc

Also ugh it's going to be so sad when I leave my current therapist. I kinda want to ask for more appointments but I don't need them I'll just be bummed out. She was really helpful and got me out of an emotional pit and was supportive during all the crap things and good things, which is a more acutely therapeutic relationship than I typically have because when I was assigned to her I was a huge mess in every way. She even politely said I made a lot of progress and had a long way to go lmao she makes the truth sound so complimentary (genuinely very helpful though)

I'm glad that when I had misgivings I stuck it out and was honest and took her suggestions seriously even if it took a lot of humility to manage that

#personal #disability

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dragonlord-emrys · 8 months

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Doggie Anon here again, thank you for your amazing answer 💛

I know what you mean about the nights feeling eerily quiet. Nights are when I miss my dog the most, when her absence seems most pronounced.

(And I’m not sure what her deal was with the harmonica, but almost all of the dogs my family has had have done that to some degree? I think they passed the habit down, but she was the loudest 😆 )

I think my Highly Scientific Winnie the Pooh Theory may indeed need some tweaking, because based on your description of Benny (love that name!) I’m seeing so many of the characters in him! His love of food seems very Pooh-esque to me, and his ingenuity and craftiness in obtaining it reminds me of Rabbit. And oh the poor little meow meow sad eyes!! Sounds like Eeyore to me. And then to me a dislike and avoidance of the rain seems like Piglet behavior. I guess he contained multitudes!

And he really did sound like such a lovable little fellow, thank you so much for telling me about him. And oh the picture!! What a sweet face.

This has felt so lovely and therapeutic, thank you again. I hope the joy and fun and sweetness of the memories you have of Benny will in time ease the pain of his passing 💛🌼💛🌼💛🌼💛

Doggie anon, we are passing the thank yous back and forth like a box of cookies, but truly you deserve a whole warehouse to yourself! Seriously, thank you so much for your kind words over the course of the last week 💛🥺💜 Your messages have been a major comfort <3

Hahaha, that's so adorable that all the dogs in your family reacted to the harmonica. I'm sure your dog being the loudest means that she's the most musically talented of the whole bunch <3 :D Or most ambitious, at least 😂

Your Winnie the Pooh theory is wonderful as it is, maybe Benny is just an outlier 😆 But yes, I saw bits of various characters in him as well. (Definitely the Pooh-food connection!!! lol) You did such a beautiful job of analysing him, it's all so spot on <3 And the description of your dog as Piglet is so sweet! 🥰 In a way, you have immortalized a little part of her by telling me about her 🌼

Nonny, thank you for listening and sharing in turn! I hope the nights become easier to bear for you and the pain turns bittersweet with time and the happy memories of your little doggie fill the spaces of her absence.

Please feel free to jump into my ask box or my messages any time you like! For dog and non-dog-related purposes. And if you're ever overcome with sadness and the feeling of missing your little lady gets too much and you want to pour your heart out, please don't hesitate to reach out. I'd love to hold your hand (through the internet) and listen 💛

#nonny you are so sweet 🥺🤧#i am hugging you i am hugging you i am hugging you #not merlin*#ask #doggie anon

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sungbeam · 11 months

Note

OH MY GODDD IT’S LIKE YOU LITERALLY SUMMONED ME THAT’S CRAZY LIKE DA-DARA-RAAAAA 🧚‍♀️✨

I am just like… crying tears of joy… school is finally over LMAO I was fighting for my life fr fr-

BUT YAS MANIFESTING MY FIRST SUMMER FIC AND NOW I’M EXTRA EXCITED CAUSE FIRST I WAS GONNA GO ONE ROUTE AND THEN IT’S LIKE MY FYP WANTED ME TO FIND A SPECIAL SMTH SMTH FOR ME TO CREATE MY MAGNUM OPUS AND I CAN’T WAIT CAUSE NOW I’M 100% DEAD SET now I just have to see which member 🫣

BTW HOW DARE YOU RELEASE NOT ONE BUT TWO SANGYEON FICS??? LIKE HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT HE WAS ABSOLUTELY BIAS WRECKING ME 😭😭 I’m like,,, too scared to read them cause I feel like I’d get too delulu 😨

BTW NO DRAMA IS SAURRR FUNNY IM LOVING IT SM SO FAR EVEN THOUGH IT’S ONLY BEEN 3 EPISODES SO FAR LOL I’m always for the chaotic energy 🤭🤭 can’t wait to see ep 4 cause the title is already wild FYTVHGJ

But yuhhh other than that there hasn’t really been many life updates from me so feel free to use this as a little catching up/speak your mind moment hehe!

OH OH ACTUALLY OSHI NO KO IS DONE AIRING SO I CAN FINALLY WATCH IT YAS idk if you watch anime or read manga (pls recommend some if you do lolol) but I usually have to wait for a series or season to end before watching it cause I would actually go insane being left on a cliffhanger like I can’t take it fr 😭

ANYWAYS, hope you’re doing well as always and I can’t wait to catch up with anything I’ve missed out on hehe!

- In all your endeavours, forever, 🌷 anon (wink)

P.S. IT’S ACTUALLY CRAZY HOW I JUST REALIZED THAT YOU WERE THE ONE THAT WROTE THAT FIC LIKE OMG??? If I difn’t mention it before, I was an atiny before I also became a deobi so I TECHNICALLY DISCOVERED YOU TWICE LMAOOO MAYBE LIGHTNING DOES STRIKE TWICE SOMETIMES

AHHHHHAHAHAH DA DARA RAAAA HELLO BESTIE WELCOME BACK !!! congrats on finishing school for the summer u made it 🤧

OMG DEAD SET???? THATS CRAZY WISH I COULD RELATE (´Д⊂ヽ now it's member picking time? 👀✨ ooh la-la would u give up any hints 👀✨ no cuz sometimes social media does work wonders and knows exactly wear ur head's at and it's chef's kiss mWAH when it happens

omg HAHA it's weird because im technically in a kyukev mood rn but my writing says otherwise 🥴🥴 crazy how these things work huh? but u should read them hehehe join the club of sangyeon delulus

AHHH im glad u like no drama so far :')) it was a lot of fun to write, and it felt very nice to just let loose and not have a specific plot to go off, just have like some chaotic dialogue/interactions in mind that i can jump off 🤧🤧 it's very therapeutic to pretend to be friends with them haha (as sad as that sounds 💀); plus, i feel like there r never enough platonic interaction fics for kpop ff, and i've always wanted to do one of those kinds of fics!!

ohh omg i actually don't watch anime or read mangas unfortunately 😭😭😭 i would deffo rec some if i did, but alas 😔 oh yeah i totally get the waiting until all the eps r out first TT but i feel like lately i've just cared a little less?? idk if that's the right wording 💀 but idk maybe i don't mind waiting anymore or im impatient? but i usually watch eps when they come out or until i have the time and energy ekfbkrbfjf did any of that make sense??? LMFAO

idk if u missed much really 😭😭 i haven't really been as active ig but hopefully u do enjoy what ur catching up on !! hopefully now that ur on break, we can talk some more hehe (^_-)-☆

bro i've been seriously considering some superhero aus for tbz (´Д⊂ヽ like i already started this one sunwoo and slight eric spiderverse fic, and i really wanna write my sunwoo star lord or nova fic too; plus, i think kev just deserves to be moon knight, no questions asked (or maybe ant man? he has that quality lol) but yeah, lmk ur thoughts!!

OMG IN ALL UR ENDEAVORS FOREVER YES MY BABY :')))) TELL ME WHO UR ATEEZ BIAS IS RN !!!!! maybe we were fate if u found me twice 👀✨

anyways, always and forever <3 lots of love 💖

#sungbeam strikes again #🌷 anon #tbz </3

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lulualamu · 2 years

Text

Fall 2022 College Goals

Expect the Unexpected

Personally, I would've never expected that my university would offer public relations course, let alone me taking it for this semester. It is not to say that I'm gifted in public speaking, swaying an audience in a direction I want to take them, or simply being in a group of people presenting anything. Truthfully, I am a very shy and quiet person. If anything I'm more of a listener than a speaker and very much suffer from stage freights. Feeling eyes staring at me and judging me has been one of my top five fears. Plus, I don't think writing has been a strong suit in my set of skills...so hopefully writing this like how I write in my diary helps in some shape or form.

I found writing quite healing if anything. It has helped me organize my thoughts, self-reflect, and perform shadow work. In a sense, it has been more therapeutic for me than going to therapy. Maybe taking MCO 351 can help me hone my writing skills into something much more (like writing a speech to a big crowd of people), and even combat my fears of speaking to the public. If anything that is my goal. The main goal that I've been working on is doing content creation and while being on camera and editing videos has been fun, I feel like I need help in honing my dialogue and writing for a public audience. I hope I'm making sense. But in general, I do write on a regular basis and I feel like the only thing that can hinder my writing goal is differentiating between writing to myself and writing to people. Again, I hope I'm making sense.

I believe the best way to overcome my fears is through exposure and practice. Please don't put me in front of everyone in class right away, give me 3 weeks of practice lol. But in all seriousness, I need to step out of my comfort zone when it comes to public speaking and learn from those experiences, and also practice writing for everyone (like which tone should I use, carefully choosing my words, and making sure the message is heard).

Well, thank you for reading, and let's break cycles!

-Luisa Alamu

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rengokuneedshugs · 3 years

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Hey can you do a akatsuki x autistic reader if not it's okay I don't know how much you know about aoutism please and thank you 👉👈

So i don't know much about autism but i thought this was a good prompt for something like this so i did what they would do if you got overstimulated in a large crowd or someone were to do something to cause it i hope that's ok!

Akatsuki x Autistic! Reader: How they would react to them being overstimulated

Deidara 😘

If your in a crowd and he notices that you seem a little fidgety he would immediately ask if your ok and if you tell him your fine he would wait a few minutes until a sign really says your not ok

If in fact you aren't ok he would pick you up bridal style and just lift you out of there

and if someone ever does anything like ask personal questions or even corner you and he sees it oh boy that person is in trouble

he knows how bad it can be to feel stuck in a crowd or place with someone and not feel like you can get out so of course his first instinct is to get you out of there and somewhere you feel safe

Hidan 😚

He honestly wouldn't notice anything wrong at first so you would probably have to tell him you need to be somewhere else or to be away from whats causing you to feel that way

if you need emotional support he isn't the best but that doesn't mean he doesn't care he does really! it's just not second nature to show it

but when you tell him straight up he will grab your hand and get you out as soon as possible even if it means violence like i said before he cares but in a different way

but once your in a place that you feel safe he wouldn't know what to do from there so you would definitely have to tell him warning if you want physical comfort he's a little bit awkward tbh

Itachi 😊

he would know immediately he wouldn't even have to ask he would make sure you get somewhere you'r comfortable before asking any questions

his first question honestly would be if you need a hug he would give the best hugs and you can count on cuddles if they help or maybe even just sitting in a quiet room where you can get all the silence you need

he would definitely make sure you stay away from situations that can make you uncomfortable and over time he would pick up on what situations could cause things like that to happen so your pretty much in the best hands with Itachi!

Pain 😳

It would take him a solid minute to realize whats happening but once he has it figured out he has the situation under control

he would probably have you out of there in a heartbeat and would have you laying down with him on his bed just to get away from every one and all the stress

but if you really don't need physical contact or anything like that he would run you a hot bath and keep you company if you don't mind

he would totally suggest his favorite book to you if you ever needed something away from reality all together

Kakuzu 🥰

He would notice that you seem fidgety and would immediately notice whats going on

He would honestly just pick you up with no warning and throw you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and walk away from the area

Once your back to the base he would make sure your ok but he wouldn't ask you directly because he knows that doesn't help him he more so ask if theres anything you need

We all know this man has fidget toys for you if you need them he would never really act like he cares but you know he does he probably has everything you would need for this already stocked and ready to go

Konan 🤩

She would be emotional support to the max like she knows just what to say and do she almost has momma instincts

All the hugs and kisses you would ever need not to mention she would give you a shoulder/back massage because she knows how therapeutic it is

also books and rubik's cubes she noticed a long while back that you like things like that and she held that info for dear life so she could get you the best gifts

if she ever does anything wrong oh boy it could be very minor but she would hate herself if she made you uncomfortable so communication is key

Sasori 😙

You would definitely have to let him know something was wrong he wouldn't pick up on it easily

he wouldn't be much use tbh but if you like crafts he would let you help him work on a puppet

but if you don't then he would probably sit with you while you calm down so you wouldn't have to be alone

he's pretty clueless on things like this so just help him out and let him know what helps what doesn't things like that ya know

Zetsu 😉

He doesn't quite understand how you feel but he would totally take you out to work on some plants if he thought it would help

and if it does thats great! but if not thats ok he has so many things in store he cant comprehend how you may feel but he will have things for you to fidget with to calm you down

and if you really just need somewhere to sit in silence he will help you find the perfect spot and will totally keep you company if you want

Kisame 😆

Kisame to me seems very emotionally connected to himself and can easily help others with emotions too at least to me lol

he would give you hugs if you wanted and we all know he gives good hugs he really only means well but if it makes you uncomfortable he wouldn't push you

he would be like a service dog fish and would be all over protecting you if your in a crowd your safety and happiness is the most important thing to him

if anyone ever causes you to feel in distress oh boy they're in for a world of pain he would be all over them

Nagato 😌

Nagato would think he knows whats happening but he would wait a minute to double check and make sure so he doesn't step out of line

he would be uncomfortable trying to help because he's afraid he would make things worse or step out of line

but if you need something he won't hesitate to get it for you

Obito 🥰

he would immediately offer cuddles and any form of physical affection

he would give you the best feeling of calm he's like a walking anti anxiety machine it's kinda nice tbh

he would read to you i mean seriously we all know he would and he would totally let you sit in his lap

Thx for reading!!! i hope you enjoyed and i hope it's ok that i edited it a lil bit! pls reblog and like it helps so much!!!! thanks for your support!

#akatsuki #akatsuki x reader #sasori headcanons #deidara headcanons #obito headcanons #nagato headcanons #kisame headcanons #itachi headcanons #hidan headcanons #kakuzu headcanons #pain headcanons #konan headcanons #zetsu headcanons

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robincantfunction · 3 years

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Hi! Can I request an Alex from Julie and the phantoms x fem! reader, where Alex and y/n are best friends with the prompt number 20 “have you seen my- hoodie… and you’re wearing it” please?

ALEX AND THE READER ARE JUST FRIENDS IN THIS FANFIC. IM SORRY FOR ANY CONFUSION, AND IM VERY SORRY IF I MADE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE <3

wow posting a fic more than twice a week? who is she?

requested: yes/no (requests are open)

warnings: fem!reader, like one swear word, a suggestive comment (lemme know if i missed any)

summary: the band are writing a song in the garage (the song i used is the ramblings of a lunatic)

a/n: thank you for the request!! i have to admit writers block really got me good for this, but i love alex so much!! this is kinda just a band x reader with an implied luke x reader (i hope that's ok!) but i kept the alex x reader aspect for the hoodie part :) sorry it took so long!!

they were all sitting down in the 'studio' as luke calls it, luke and y/n writing random lyrics in their notebooks whilst reggie mindlessly strumming his bass, alex was balancing his drum sticks on his nose and bobby was late. as always. y/n wrote as she hummed to herself, trying to come up with a rhythm.

I'm setting pen to paper again Lost my sense of home from the words that I've said But the thoughts have begun to ferment in my head And content manifest don't feel good enough for them

"have either of you got anything?" she looked up at reggie "possibly, writing a brand new song for just a few days time is a lot of pressure i have to admit" luke nodded. the two had been nonstop writing for what felt like forever, trying to create their best song yet.

So I Try and transcend my ego But don't we know It will never work Maybe I'll just descend to dirt Flirt with becoming food for worms

"well you two never dissapoint, i'm sure we'll get there" alex looked at her, to make sure she was ok. y/n got stressed easily, and was hard on herself and the lyrics she'd create. she nodded at him and the silent communication was understood. "i think i have some decent lyrics, but it really will need a good tune to go along with it, reg - alex?" their song writing process was always different depending on the situation. most of the time luke and or y/n would have a song practically done, chords in mind aswell, and then the others would build off it and add to it. but in desperate situations like this, y/n and luke would be on lyrics and reg, alex and bobby (when he turned up) would try and create a killer beat.

Would anyone listen to this The ramblings of a lunatic My mind does play an awful trick The ramblings of a lunatic Would anyone listen to this I'm running from my emptiness My brain is tired, my stomach sick The ramblings of a lunatic

in the background she could faintly hear a bass playing, and subtle taps on the drums. but when she was in the zone, when she got an idea, it was like the whole world went fuzzy, and all she could hear was the lyrics forming themselves.

Why has constructing sentences become like pulling teeth Wiping dental records clean Is the carcass even me? Is This catharsis Therapeutic plunge to darkness Or elaborating upon my mediocrity

as the door to the garage opened she got taken out of her trance. "hey guys, sorry i'm late-" "-i was just making out with cassie" she muttered, thinking no one else heard, but clearly luke did as he tried to stifle a laugh, ending up just covering it up with a cough. "i was with cas and lost track of time" y/n rolled her eyes "oh yeah no totally, we get it you were busy. might wanna button your shirt up properly though" this time it was everyone except bobby struggled to maintain their laughter. his face fell in embarrassed, that was a look she wouldn't forget for a long time. "seriously bobby it's fine" she smiled, although under her breath she mumbled "not like we're trying to write a song for the orpheum or anything". it started getting cold in the studio, so she got up and walked to alex's bag, knowing he'd have a spare hoodie she could nab.

Maybe this is a result Of me finally accepting That I'll be alone forever That I deserve forgetting It's a pointless endeavour And maybe it's upsetting But I've never felt more comfortable In the concept of things ending

she kept writing, although now very aware of her surroundings. after some time she noticed alex looking in his bag puzzled "have any of you seen my-" he looked up at y/n chuckling a little "hoodie... and y/n is wearing it" she smiled cheekily "sorry, did you want it back?" he shook his head "na it's ok don't worry. i was looking for pen and noticed it wasn't in there, thought i lost it" everyone chuckled slightly at the two. luke leaned over to say something only y/n could hear "looks better on you anyway" she blushed slightly, luke and her always had a flirty friendship. "ewww they're gonna fuck in a second- look he's undressing her with his eyes." alex deadpanned, making the entire group laugh, they always joked about luke and alex, but nothing had come of it yet.

"y/n are you nearly finished with the lyrics? i think i might have something but i'll need to check to see if it goes with the style and stuff of the lyrics" she nodded, getting back to writing "yeah just gimme like 2 seconds"

Maybe this writer's block that I've been perceiving Is to stop me diving deeply into my internal being And falling into darkness below my surface tension Emotional suppression my coping mechanism 'Cause all my friends are dying, some faster than the others Lungs filling up with fluid, place face under the covers 'Cause all my friends are dying, some faster than the others I'm trying to distract myself from the fears that I've discovered

"honestly though can you guys believe it? we're actually gonna play at the orpheum! we're gonna be legends" luke was already hyping them all up "that's if this doesn't suck butt hole, and if i'm honest i'm not convinced" they all rolled their eyes "shut up y/n/n. you're thebest songwriter i know" luke smiled at her "yeah! just believe in yourself man! what's it about?" alex asked, already curious of the meaning behind the song without even hearing it "writer's block. and how i can ramble when i really need an idea. and other stuff i guess"

#julie and the phantoms #luke patterson #alex mercer #luke patterson x reader #jatp

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tinyboxxtink · 3 years

Text

"Weird Secret Friends" *Chapter 9*

Chapter 8

Chapter 10

Aw SNAP, an early chapter?! Yes children, I woke up and I just wanted to write. This story really does mean a lot to me, and I have been neglecting it for the last few days. So I decided to give you one today, and one tonight. I just have so much to say, and I wanna get it out there as fast as I think of it! I know y'all want that too.

So I don't know if these actually need warnings, but there is serious discussion about alcohol and addiction. If you're sensitive to that, read with caution. I'm really sensitive to it and I wrote it, but it's more therapeutic to me. I don't know how others feel about it.

Also-- I did my best to fix the continuity issue in the last chapter about the Sonny crying at Y/N's mom's funeral, AND I think I did a good job at fixing the continuity with the fact that I literally started this story with her drinking an appletini. Like a moron.

And if you think my explanation is 'unbelievable', I actually do the same thing so I know it's a thing! Don't @ me.

Also Also-- This chapter is all Y/N and Sonny, some cousin bonding time. I hope y'all appreciate it.

Tag List

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@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

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@gibbs274

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@mrsrafaelbarba

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You rode to the train station in silence, but when you got out of the Uber to walk in by yourself, Sonny quickly trailed behind you.

“I’m a big girl Sonny, I don’t need you to hold my hand,” You rolled your eyes.

“I-I know, but it’s an hour until your train leaves, and--” He nervously explained.

“Afraid I’ll go to the bar and just derail my life in twenty minutes?” You crossed your arms.

“...No…” He softly looked at the ground.

“Well, you're right. I'm just gonna throw it all away right now,”

“Y/N don’t do that--”

“I’m not kidding, Sonny!” You looked at him seriously.

“...What?” He was stunned at your admission.

You looked around the train station, people were bustling about running to their trains and finding their people, it was a madhouse. You needed to talk this out seriously; so you pulled him to a waiting area and sat down with him.

“Well as you so nicely pointed out, I am basically on the verge of breaking my sobriety every fucking day. And now I know why you wanted me to avoid Rafael, but I didn’t listen and as much as you didn’t want it to, it already broke me. Last night I broke, and now that-- now that he’s gone, or run away, or whatever-- All I can think about is making this pain go away!” The thoughts that had been running through your head since you left Rafael’s apartment just came spilling out of your mouth.

“Sunshine…” He sighed.

“And you’re right, I don’t have anyone else. I don’t have anyone else to lean on, except for you. And I can’t keep doing that, you’ve done it long enough,” You started to feel tears catch in your throat.

“Wha--but I don’t mind, I--” He protested.

“Really? Because the way you were telling Rafael, it sounded like you were sick of it,” You tried to keep your voice steady.

“I’m not--” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I’m not sick of it. It’s just--”

“A lot,” You finished for him.

“Right,” He looked at you sadly. “But-- I don’t understand, then what do you wanna--”

“I need to go away,” You interjected with a very somber look.

“What?” He half laughed. “Go away? What does that even--”

“I need to go...away,” You repeated, not wanting to say the words out loud.

“Like...a facility?” He asked; you nodded. “Y/N I didn’t mean you had to--”

“I know you didn’t mean that Sonny, but I don’t see any other way,” Tears filled your eyes.

“I don’t-- I don’t wanna do this again! I don’t want you to have to take days, weeks off work watching me, moving to Jersey, checking my room and my apartment, you’re too old for that shit now!” You looked up to the sky, willing the tears to stay in your pupils.

“I mean, Y/N come on I’m almost 31, I’m not ancient--”

“But you’re a grown up, with a grown up job and a career, and a life. And I can’t just-- make you put your life on pause because I’m a fuck up,” You barely whispered.

“You’re not a--”

“I am,” You shook your head. “I am, and I accept it. I can’t have-- normal, things. Like friendships or relationships. This absolutely proves it,”

“No, it doesn’t,” Sonny took your hand. “Look I told Barba and now I’m telling you: This...this might be on me,”

“No it’s not,” You took his hand this time. “Don’t do that,”

“No, it really might be,” He insisted. “You’ve...you’ve never just opened up to someone like you did with Barba. Not once. Not with anyone but me,”

“Yeah well clearly that was some kind of fluke,” You rolled your eyes with a tear filled laugh.

“Was it?” Sonny asked you sincerely. “When’s the last time you approached a guy or girl for that matter, sober?”

“I mean, I was sipping an appletini…” You looked at the ground in guilt.

“Y/N…” Sonny rubbed his temples.

“What?” You shrugged. “It’s not like I’m the Hulk, Sonny. I don’t take a sip of alcohol and ‘Hulk Out’. I like to at least attempt to feel like a grown up, so I order ONE drink and nurse it for hours. You know this. It’s just, when I get upset…”

“You lose it,” He finished for you.

“...Yeah,” You looked back at the ground.

“So why don’t you just come stay with me for a few days, until this whole ‘Barba’ thing passes, and you can be...normal, again?” He put a hand on your knee. “You don’t need to…’go away’, like a mental patient,”

“...Because I don’t know if it will pass, Sonny,” You admitted. “I’m not kidding when I say this broke me. It...it broke me. And he wasn’t even my boyfriend! We fucked one time and all of a sudden I was going through his stuff like a crazy girlfriend,”

“...Didn’t need to know that, but alright,” Sonny shuddered at the thought of you in the throes of passion with Rafael.

“Whatever,” You sighed. “The point is, I-- I lost it, with him. That’s never happened, not once. I’ve never…’cared’ about someone like that. I just bang them then leave,”

“Wasted” Sonny added.

“....Well yeah, obviously,” You laughed sadly.

“Which brings me back to my original point,” He replied. “You may have had some liquor in your system, but were you drunk when you talked to Barba?”

“...No,” You shook your head.

“Were you tipsy?”

“....No,"

“Did you get drunk while waiting on me and talking with him and then decide to go back to his place to...do stuff?”

“No!” You hit him softly.

“And last night,” He continued. “Last night when I walked away and left the two of you. Did you run back inside and drink yourself into a stupor because you hurt me?”

“No!!” You shook your head. “No, I-- I might have wanted to, but then Rafael took me inside and he-- well, first of all his friends humiliated me--”

“They what?” Sonny’s fists began to clench.

“Calm down, Son,” You took his hand. “Rafael defended me, he even punched a guy for insulting me!”

“He WHAT?” Sonny gasped. Rafael would never do something like that, not for anyone. He was always so cool, calm and collected, always the epitome of decorum. If he had lost it on someone in public, that really did mean something.

“...So he defended you, then took you home?”

“Well, I---” You looked down in shame. “I asked him to,”

“Ah,” Sonny nodded. “I see,”

“But only because you said you didn’t wanna see me! I...I didn’t think I had anywhere else to go,” You explained.

“But he let you,” He added.

“He wanted me to,” You shrugged. “But Sonny I swear, nothing was supposed to happen. I just wanted to crash on his couch until I could talk to you. But...I don’t know, we-- he washed my clothes, and then we were watching BoJack, and then we were laughing and he was tickling me, and it just-- happened,”

“Organically,” He clarified.

“...Not the way I’d word it but yeah,”

“And you didn’t drink anything?” He raised an eyebrow.

“No!” You cried. “No, and I didn’t want to hurt--”

“Sunshine I promise you, this isn’t about my feelings at all right now,” He assured you. “I’m just pointing out that you have never just...accidentally slept with a guy,”

“Meaning…?” You quirked an eyebrow curiously.

“Meaning your MO is get drunk, get laid, and leave. Correct?”

“...Well when you say it like that…” You shifted uncomfortably.

“I’m not trying to guilt you Sunshine I’m making a point. Now, am I right?”

“....Yes,”

“So you genuinely had feelings for Barba. Real, unaltered feelings,”

“....I guess so,”

“And I’m not blowing smoke up your ass when I say that Barba would never, ever punch a guy for anyone. Especially not someone he worked with, in front of a bunch of colleagues. I mean, his ‘circle’ is probably buzzing right now with talk about how ‘barbaric’ he was, for some girl he just met,” He explained.

“What are you saying, Son?” You studied his face curiously.

“I’m saying like I said before, that this might be my fault, Sunshine,” He sighed, once again running his hands through his hair.

“If I hadn’t been so...against you and Barba, I wouldn’t have spout off my mouth about his--- usual way of dating. Because it sounds like with you, he’s anything but his usual self,” He explained.

“...And then you wouldn’t have gotten upset about it and responded the way you do when you’re upset, and then you wouldn’t have ended up a mess last night, and you two would still be in your happy little bubble of bliss,”

“Sonny,” You sighed and put a hand on his shoulder. “I appreciate the sentiment, but I think we both know that this...’beast’ inside of me, is always gonna be there,”

“Well…” He murmured.

“You said it yourself! I’m still an addict, I’m still battling it everyday, even though I’ve gotten so much better at it. Even though most days I am perfectly fine; I’m not normal. Normal people don’t end up at the bottom of a bottle of vodka whenever they have a bad day, or stress out,” You cringed at the memory of that constantly happening back in the day.

“Yeah I know…”

“And it’s not fair for me to put that on someone. Especially someone I barely know! Especially someone who is not used to, or even ready for any kind of normal commitment! I mean, honestly I’m glad it happened now, because if we had gotten any deeper and the inevitable happened, the blow out would have been much more...messy,” You looked away in shame, just imagining the chaos your drunken alter ego could cause.

“...How so?”

“Sonny, if I lost it like I did last night after spending one night with Rafael, can you imagine the kind of havoc I’d wreck if we had been dating for a while? If we were married?” You half laughed sadly at the thought. “Cops would be called, I’m sure,”

“Sunshine….” He spoke softly, hating to hear you degrade yourself so much. He'd heard it so much in the past, he knew if you were going into the dark place, the damage was bad.

“Somehow or other, the monster would have shown herself to him. And clearly, whenever it was gonna happen-- he wasn’t going to respond well,” You shook your head with the same sad smile.

“But maybe if you had gotten closer, maybe he would have changed. Maybe he wants to change-- he’s just...freaked out right now,” Sonny pointed out.

“Don’t,” You shook your head while looking at the ground. “Don’t do that,”

“Do what?” He asked you quizzically.

“Give me false hope,” You looked up at him with tears once again welling up in your eyes. “You know that’s the most dangerous thing for someone like me,”

“But that’s just it Sunshine,” He put both hands on either side of your face. “I really don’t think it’s false hope,”

“Yeah well,” You scoffed with a sarcastic laugh. “I won’t hold my breath. And the bottom line is-- if that ever happens, then it will. But I’m here now, and right now all I want is to drink until I forget this weekend ever happened,” You wiped tears from your face. “So I need you to--”

“I’m not sending you away,” He said sternly.

“Sonny!” You stomped your foot. “I’m not kidding! You can’t--”

“Look Y/N,” He started. “You have done so well these past few years, better than I’ve ever seen you. I am so proud of you. You’re in school, you’re thinking about the future, you have dreams. And if you just...abandon that for even a month or two, you’ll have to drop your classes and start over,”

“Yeah but--”

“I know you think that going to rehab is the thing you’re ‘supposed’ to do when shit like this happens, but honestly I think it will only send you three steps back, not forward,” He looked at you with very genuine eyes.

“...Y’know the old ‘monster’ wouldn’t have even told me any of this,” He pointed out. “She would’ve gotten on that train and headed to the liquor store at the Jersey train station,”

“...That is true,” You nodded with a soft smile.

“I think you’re more in control than you think, Sunshine,” He put a thumb on your chin. “...But, maybe to make us both feel better, I’ll put a limit on your card for a bit,”

“...Yeah, probably for the best,” You gave him a small smile. Just then you both heard the speaker announcing your train was boarding.

“Well, I guess I better go,” You stood up with your duffel and gave him a long, hard hug. You really did love him more than anyone in this world, and knowing he wasn’t mad at you and still loved you meant everything to you.

“Alright Sunshine, you call me when you get back to the apartment, yeah?”

“Yeah,” You nodded; he gave you another hug, scared to let you go.

He was being supportive and brave on the outside for you, because he really did want you to keep going on the path you were on. But something deep down inside of him was constantly worried about the monster inside you. He wanted to protect you 24/7, but you were right-- he had a life and a career in the city, he had to trust you to be on your own.

“I love you, Y/N. You know that, right?”

“Yeah,” You nodded with a bigger smile. “I love you too, Sonny,”

You gave him one last kiss on the cheek before heading to your platform, leaving Sonny alone in the station. He waited until he couldn’t see your figure headed towards the distance before pulling out his phone and dialing a number.

“Barba,” He said seriously. “We need to talk,”

#rafael barba #sonny carisi #rafael barba imagine #sonny carisi imagine #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba x you #law and order svu #rafael barba angst #weird secret friends #tw addiction #tw alcoholism

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milkybonya · 2 years

Note

Hi Milky!! I hope you had/are having a nice day today! Last night I finally told myself that I was going to TAKE A BREAK and it was so nice! I ended up watching all the T-Talk videos from that Twitter masterlist you gave me and omggg I was both laughing and awing the entire time!! The first one I watched was Jeongwoo and Haruto and I was straight up like wait when was this filmed why are they so awkward together 😭😭?? I was like.. Has treasure box even been filmed?? I got context later that it had but omg Haruto was a MENACE to Jeongwoo man was literally just trying to make convo and he was giving one word responses im so dead I can see why you'd bias him he's so funny!! But I also wanted to give Jeongwoo the biggest hug after that video and the other one he was in with yoshi. Sweetest boy truly 🥺 also these videos made me get slightly bias wrecked by Asahi 🥴 he's so iconic I literally can't I ended up watching a fan video afterwards of him "proving he is not human but instead a robot" and I Was ROLLING I also found two videos or treasure vs their editors and oh my gosh they were so funny jdndjsjs back in my treasure feels that's for sure!! I still think I'm Hyunsuk and Yoshi biased but maybe Asahi will become an official bias wrecker... Not sure yet! I'll keep you posted lol

Also I'm so so so glad you liked the songs!! Fallen Star and Illusion were written entirely by two of the members (Mujin and Dann!) so I love that they are my two favorite b sides!! Makes it feel extra special yanno?? And then Promise is such a kdrama vibe omg it's the first b side to get an MV actually!! It's a whole kdrama smashed into 3 minutes. Dann acted so well in the MV too!! Man killed it (as he should). You'll have to let me know what you think of the videos when you get the chance to watch them!! But I know you have a ton of midterms coming up so no rush and I am wishing you the best of luck!! I had a bunch of midterms two weeks ago but I'm in the home stretch now until finals. I only have 2 more weeks of classes 😮 I literally graduate in less than a month.. I can't believe it jdjsjs I'm taking an additional year to pursue a certificate so it doesn't really feel like I'm graduating but 🥴 scary nonetheless!

Also my gecko!! Yes he is the sweetest boy. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before or not but I am studying Russian! I really love hockey and my fav player is Russian so... Gosh almost 8 years ago I started learning Russian bc I was interested in learning more about him and his culture. I actually got his Russian Olympic hockey jersey to wear to school but one of my friends called me a Communist bc of it (this is going somewhere I promise nfnsns). I was like bestie where lol and he said bc it was Russian I am a Communist so I was like.. I mean okay go off I guess. And so when I got my gecko he was like well since you're a Communist you definitely have to name him Stalin. And I was like lol dope sure. I like prefacing his name with the story of how it came about bc it can be jarring to some people and especially now with the invasion I don't want to give off the vibe that I actually support it 😭😭 especially since it all started with a silly joke about me being a Communist lol. But yes his name is stalin! A long roundabout way of telling you but ☺️ despite the name he is a total sweetheart

I look forward to hearing from you again soon! 💙

hello my love omg i'm so sorry i'm late :< i've had midterms aH as you know :( and today,, i'm going to see stray kids!! 4 hours left.. T.T

omg the T-talks are so chaotic hh they go from funny to therapeutic to wholesome,, :") Haruto can be jokingly cold sometimes hehe i love him ^3^ oH have you seen treasure's webdramas?? they have 2 ! in their first one, Haruto plays a very cold character but honestly he does it so well?? ahh

Asahi is seriously so cute but he's also such a genius ??? like the fact that he writes/composes masterpieces like orange and also paints/does art,,, king !

omg i love songs written by members thats so iconic?? and a kdrama-like mv? yes pls i can't wait to watch it later hehe

also you're so sweet?? thank you for being so kind with me and my midterms aHH i'm done them now thankfully! you have 2 weeks of classes left omg that's so exciting >.< maybe only one week left now by the time you see this??? AHH do you have any summer plans?! i hope all of your exams and your last days of class go well~

omg ,, yikes insensitive communist jokes are the worst :( i'm glad though that you were able to make something good out of it if that makes sense? and that it wasn't incredibly upsetting.

but wow you love hockey?! thats so cool!!! do you also play?!

also i'm so worried about the Ukraine situation,, a youtuber i love is living there and gives us updates, i also have a friend there and of course every persom living there is precious and does not deserve any of this :( ah it's so sad

have a lovely day/night and thank you for the cute pic hehe

#yutopiada talks #milky's moots #baekhyuns lipchain ;3;#beloved Kelsey ♡

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that-yandere-life · 4 years

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Hello! I saw your post about your birthday, and I was just going to submit this so I don't forget! I would love a yandere NSFW alphabet for Spencer Reid from Criminal Minds, please. I absolutely love that boy. If you're not able to do that, it's totally fine! By the way, how are you doing right now? Just thought I should check in as well with everything going on right now. Thank you so much, and Happy Birthday!! 🖤🖤🖤

[Thank you so much for helping me celebrate! I hope this is everything you were looking for darling!]

A = Aftercare (what they’re like after sex)

Spencer isn’t exactly experienced in the bedroom, but he is a genius who would want to make sure that he does everything right by you. So that means plenty of research on how to properly pleasure you and take care of you.

B = Body part (their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Favorite part of his: His hands, the way they feel touching you sensually, to using his long fingers to bring you to orgasm over and over again. Also the sensation of gripping your hips as he thrusts into you with all of his might.

Favorite part of yours: Your hips, especially with remnants of a bruise from the tight grip he keeps on them while plunging into you as deep as he can. Or light nail marks left behind during a rougher session.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum, basically)

Inside of you is his clear favorite choice, while you might not exactly expect that from him. If you are uncomfortable with that he will compromise and cum on your stomach or chest.

D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Lowkey has a breeding kink, even though he is worried about passing on any mental illness to your potential children. Being with you makes that risk worth the price to him.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

Not very experienced, but is very good at reading people due to his job so he knows how to pleasure you better than anyone you have ever been with before. Not to mention is an exceptionally fast learner, listening to your feedback and taking it to heart every single time.

F = Favorite position (this goes without saying)

Missionary because he loves holding you down and taking you, while being able to watch you fall apart. This is also because it helps him read your body language so he can adjust his technique if need be.

G = Goofy (are they more serious in the moment? are they humorous? etc.)

Spencer will likely be more serious most of the time, but that doesn’t mean that situations don’t happen where neither of you can help but laugh. It’s never perfect or easy to engage in the act of lovemaking.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes? etc.)

Spencer keeps it trimmed, although sometimes he let’s it go for too long as it’s not something he constantly gives attention to. If it bothers you however he will make a conscious effort to maintain his landscaping for you.

I = Intimacy (how are they during the moment? the romantic aspect)

Spencer is very romantic in the moment, kissing you, complimenting you, and telling you how much he loves you. It’s never just about pleasure to him, it’s about that connection that you get during and after.

J = Jack off (masturbation headcanon)

When he was single he didn’t really think about it much, especially with his high pace job that kept him on the go most of the time. Now if he has to be away from you he can’t help himself, might even ask for nude photographs to be securely sent to him. (There is no way he will let that kind of thing get out)

K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)

I mentioned a breeding kink but that isn’t the only kink our seemingly sweet innocent lad enjoys participating in. Another one he engages in is spanking, and possibly even a daddy kink underlying. Try calling him Daddy, see what happens. ;)

L = Location (favorite places to do the do)

Mostly in the privacy of your bedroom, or hotel rooms depending on where he is that week. (If he keeps working, he will bring you with him everywhere. It would be a requirement, even if it breaks policy.)

M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)

Honestly, the most sensual moment to him is any time you touch his shoulder, even if it was absentmindedly. The soft gesture really gets him in the mood to worship your body, not to mention the ground you walk on. ;)

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Nothing with intense pain, he has gone through enough in his life that he doesn’t want to cause harm to anyone else. Would try a little wax play, or the like if you wanted though, as long as it doesn’t really harm you in the end.

O = Oral (preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc.)

At first he felt a little awkward when you would get down on your knees for him, or offer to give him a blowjob. However after reassuring him that you don’t mind doing it, he gets really into it when you do it for him. Ultimately he is a giver, so he will truly enjoy returning the favor, or just offering whenever the two of you have down time. SIT ON HIS FACE!

P = Pace (are they fast and rough? slow and sensual? etc.)

Mostly slow and sensual, but after a really bad or rough day he will plow you into the mattress until you can’t go anymore. It’s a very therapeutic way for him to relieve the stress that his life is filled with on a daily basis.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies, how often, etc.)

Spencer usually wants to take his time with you, not being one for rushing. That’s not to say that he won’t be able to hold back from the thrill of taking you someplace while others around you have no idea what is about to happen.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

For the most part he would try most anything you asked him, unless it had a chance of affecting his job or reputation too negatively.

S = Stamina (how many rounds can they go for? how long do they last?)

Definitely can go for a few rounds, but can’t exactly go all night like some can. That is not to say that you won’t finish multiple times before he is finished with you.

T = Toys (do they own toys? do they use them? on a partner or themselves?)

Spencer will buy all the toys you want, knowing how they can seriously stimulate intimacy in the bedroom. Only the best however, and trust that he has looked up everything about what is on the market.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Doesn’t really do the teasing, but responses VERY well to being teased, or challenged in anyway.

V = Volume (how loud they are, what sounds they make, etc.)

Usual grunts and groans, will likely tell you multiple times how lucky he is to have you. Praising you intermittently, the words just falling from his tongue in the moment.

W = Wild card (a random headcanon for the character)

Wants to watch you masturbate with the toys he buys you, demanding a demonstration whenever a new one is purchased. Watching you use what he gets you really gets him off, and will even sometimes help you use it.

X = X-ray (let’s see what’s going on under those clothes)

I would say a bit above average on length, and average thickness.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

Average sex drive, especially when he starts dating you. Before he didn’t really think about it all that much so it didn’t affect him as much.

Z = Zzz (how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Absolutely would not fall asleep until you are taken care of, even if he is exhausted beyond belief. You are his number one priority.

#yandere criminal minds #criminal minds yandere #spencer reid x reader #yandere spencer reid #Anonymous

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