#in case you couldn't tell by this horrid post.

[osoreruna]

anyone else think about the vestige world contained within one for all and how it's sorta stockpiled these fragments of quirk factors from all the previous users and combined them into what izuku wields today and how we still see this aura of all might within ofa despite him being quirkless and having no physical factor to contribute and how it's because he in such a literal sense put his soul, his consciousness and entire self into ofa, into being a hero and this symbol of peace for the people and how that separates him and his vestige from all the other users and how that only makes him losing ofa worse because he is, again, in a literal sense, losing an actual piece of him or is it just me —

[raointean]

"Hellfire" is way too relatable to young, queer Christians (or former Christians)

I'll elaborate

Fair warning, I'll be discussing the relationship between queerness (specifically sexuality), religion, and faith, homophobia, internalized homophobia, and misdirected blame.

I'll start this off by saying I was raised in a fairly conservative church from the age of 2 onward. I learned that homosexuality was a horrible sin, but that queer people needed love and support without acceptance. Basically, hate the sin, love the sinner.

And then I figured out I liked girls and proceeded to have a months-long crisis of faith that I couldn't talk to anyone about. "Hellfire" from The Hunchback of Notre Dame was actually a super helpful song in that time because, at its core, it is a song about sexuality and religion coming into conflict. (There's also a solid dose of racism and misogyny in that song, but that's a different post)

Beata Maria

You know I am a righteous man

Of my virtue I am justly proud

As a protestant, I prayed to God instead of Mary, but here, he's talking about the pride he takes in his status within the church. He's ashamed of his feelings, so he's puffing himself up defensively. He may also be trying to show Mary, "Hey, look at all I've done for you! I've done everything you asked! Why are you cursing me with this horrid disease?"

What he doesn't understand is that it's not a disease. He's just experiencing normal, human attraction and panicking because he's been taught that those feelings absolutely cannot co-exist with his position/faith.

Beata Maria

You know I'm so much purer than

The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd

Again, beefing himself up here. Also revealing his pridefulness.

Then tell me, Maria

Why I see her dancing there

Why her smold'ring eyes still scorch my soul

I feel her, I see her

The sun caught in her raven hair

Is blazing in me out of all control

Women, dude. Women are gorgeous. Here, he's expressing his frustration at his own inability to control his "bad" feelings. He also seems to be asking Mary why God is punishing him with a temptation he's ill-equipped to handle. (God generally allows Christians to be tempted by such things so that we recognize how much we need Him, for anyone who's curious about the theology there).

Like fire

Hellfire

This fire in my skin

This burning

Desire

Is turning me to sin

Jesus says in Matthew 5 that thinking about sin (lust/adultery in this particular case) is just as bad as committing the sin itself in God's eyes. As I said above, God is probably trying to show Frollo that he's a sinful person just like everyone else, and shouldn't hold himself above everyone else. Unfortunately, Frollo didn't learn that lesson and, well, the rest of the movie happened.

In relation to queerness, since homosexuality is taught to be a sin, thinking about someone of the same sex as you in a romantic light is seen as just as bad as actually dating them. I use the romantic example instead of the attraction example because lust is a sin, but loving and wanting a relationship with someone is not! Young, queer people may have been taught that it is, however, which makes that last line particularly devastating.

It's not my fault

I'm not to blame

It is the g*psy girl

The witch who sent this flame

Now, he's trying to blame the person he's attracted to for his own feelings and absolve himself of blame. Unfortunately, for Christians who are discovering their attraction to fellow men or women, the guilt can be crushing! We're often taught about non-heterosexuality as one of the most taboo of sins! When you find out that you are "one of those heathen, godless gays" a lot of people will do everything in their power to get out from under the blame. Surely, it can't be their own fault! It must be the fault of the person they're attracted to, or that episode of glee they saw, or even God Himself for tempting them!

Obviously, this blame is misplaced. Queerness isn't caused. It just is. And like all of the other diversities God created, it has a place and a purpose.

It's not my fault

If in God's plan

He made the devil so much

Stronger than a man

Mood. Frollo has switched from blaming Esmeralda for his attraction to blaming God. (Also, if this were sung by a woman, that "made the devil so much stronger than a man" line takes on an entirely different meaning)

Protect me, Maria

Don't let the siren cast her spell

Don't let her fire sear my flesh and bone

Here, he's begging for protection and relief. He wants things to go back to the way they were. He wants to be free of the moral conflict instead of walking through it. It's a very relatable sentiment! Finding out that you're The Other your community has warned you about your whole life flips your world on its head!

In order to reconcile your sexuality and your faith, you cannot shy away from the conflict, no matter how painful it is! You have to do your own research. You have to think your own thoughts. You have to question everything you've been taught. But I promise, you will come out better for it.

Destroy Esmeralda

And let her taste the fires of Hell!

Or else let her be mine and mine alone

This goes deeper into the "free me from this moral conflict" point. There are really only a few ways that can be done. You can abandon your faith, repress your sexuality, or force the two to get along. Abandoning one's faith is the most common reaction in the queer community because faith, unlike sexuality, is a lifestyle you can choose. However, for a lot of people, their faith is too important to lose.

That only leaves two options. Repressing one's sexuality is usually very damaging to one's mental health. Bottling up all the guilt and shame however, is sometimes easier than doing the research and reevaluating one's worldview.

The "or else let her be mine and mine alone" is Frollo pleading with Mary to give him a way to express his sexuality in a religiously acceptable way. Luckily, that's pretty easy for queer Christians! The Bible gives a lot of tips and expectations for marriages. They are generally framed for hetero couples (because they're the most common), but they apply to homosexual couples as well. You just need to read between the lines.

Paul says in Corinthians 7 that some people should not be married at all (and I think he also implies that he's ace?). That means that ace/aro people and those in queerplatonic relationships are also still in line with the Bible! No conflict there.

Hellfire

Dark fire

Now gypsy, it's your turn

Choose me or

Your pyre

Be mine or you will burn

This is 100% Frollo making Esmeralda responsible for his feelings and not taking accountability for his actions. For the record, that is something you should definitely not do!

God have mercy on her

God have mercy on me

But she will be mine

Or she will burn!

Okay, the first two lines are nice. He's asking for clemency on Esmeralda's behalf for her (imagined) sin of seduction. Then, he asks for clemency for his own (not imagined) sin of lust (but alas, not his pride). The last two lines are a false dichotomy he's created by believing his lust is Esmeralda's fault.

In summary, this song was way too relatable to little 14-year-old me. If you are going through the same thing, don't abandon your faith and don't ignore your feelings. There's a middle ground, I promise. You just need to do your own research and think your own thoughts, as hard as that may be in practice.

Also, be careful who you ask questions to. Remember that your pastors at your conservative church, well-meaning as they may be, have a vested interest in keeping you ignorant of the queer community. Try to find both sides of the story and, if you can do so safely, talk to other queer Christians.

[the-whispers-of-death]

"reader doesn't follow boxer!stone into the locker rooms afterwards" my heart... ive just woken up and see that how dare you hurt me at 6am in my own home

so so so giddy over all of that tho and it raises a TON of questions as well. like, for example, would they have even been friends before that? or are they just workplace crushes?? i very clearly see reader now just avoiding any public appearances for a WHILE. bro probably cant open social media w/o being blasted w posts about it. maybe hes rejecting press interviews, guest appearances on shows, all that, because all they'd probably talk about is a) the kiss b) his sexuality, which i would presume was proooobably a well kept secret until that moment. hm.

but what does stone do. like. how does one react to that sort of impulsive decision. i doubt either of them *regret* it, but maybe can agree there was a better time and place for all of that

oh god imagine the talk between them both that goes down after this. HORRID. its a very very delicate thing to handle and they both know it

or maybe utterly worst case scenario, reader quits working with him. too much public attention over such a minor thing. sure the job probably pays well but is it realky worth the 'scandal' that the public makes it out to be? i know i would definetly become a damn hermit if this happened.

or maybe he enjoys and revels in the attention. "yeah *i* got to kiss him in front of all of you. thats *my* man, hell yeah !!!!! maybe he uses this sudden exposure to his advantage. i mean, its like a sales strat they *could* experiment with. or not. i dunno

~ love, a very much so half-awake rusty

CW: Angst

"Are you finally done ignoring me?" Stone asked, appearing beside you before you could scurry away from him like you've been doing for the past few days. He crossed his burly arms against his chest. "We need to talk."

You swallowed down the lump in your throat, nodding. "We do need to talk, about the kiss," you replied, sounding nervous. You weren't a nervous guy, usually, but you also weren't the type of man to kiss his best boxer. "Look, the kiss was because of the adrenaline, it meant nothing."

Stone held back his frown, feeling the hurt settle into his chest at the way you so easily dismissed the kiss he had initiated. "What?" He couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"It was nothing, Stone," you insisted. It had to be nothing, he was your best boxer. You couldn't date him and risk losing your best boxer in case the relationship failed. "The kiss was due to the high of the moment. It's not going to change anything."

"I like you," Stone blurted out, his voice softer than usual. He stepped closer, towering over you like always. He looked so hopeful that you felt the same way. "I can't sleep without imagining you beside me, I ache for you. It was not nothing to me. I meant all of the emotions I poured into that kiss. You can't say you don't feel the same way too."

You did feel the same way too, you did. But the professional in you, the one who loved having a star boxer, pushed down your feelings. You couldn't let this get out of control like it had that fated night.

He'd get over it, you thought to yourself, even if this was going to hurt him.

Your eyes narrowed. "No, Stone. I don't feel the same." The lie felt bitter on your tongue, but you pushed through the discomfort. "You're nothing more than my prized boxer to me. You always will be. You're just a boxer."

Stone took a step back from you, physically recoiling from the wave of hurt that hit him like a ton of bricks. His brown eyes kept searching your face for a hint of you lying, but you had schooled your expression too well.

He couldn't tell you were lying. And that fact made his expression shut down, turning cold and stoic like always.

"Of course," he murmured, his voice so cold like always. "I'm going to go wash up."

With those words, he turned on his heel and walked to the locker room. He ensured no one else was in the locker room before he let a sob tear from his throat, pressing his back against the wall and sliding down to crumple onto the ground.

Stupid, he told himself, I was stupid for thinking anyone would love me.

Reblogs are welcomed & appreciated! Asks are open, feel free to pop in and talk or request something! (SFW requests only, please and thank you)

[hunterwritesstuff]

What about a sibling coming across Mark post-encounter or Mark's alternate? Yk,,,angst >:3

Gonna try to do this as a oneshot, feel free to send in again if you want hcs for the same thing! Not gonna go fully in depth here, but Mark's death is mentioned here, and I'm combining the two prompts, so, uh, y'know, be careful reading ahead, it could get a little much. Take care of yourself!

Tw: Referenced suicide, self-blame for suicide, Alt!Mark being an ass to the reader, potential implied bad parenting, and the baggage that comes with this kinda thing, don't read if you're in a bad headspace.

You woke up that night. That horrible, dreadful night. You looked at your clock. It read "10:58 PM". You grumbled as you trudged to your brother's door. He was why you were woken up after all.

"Maaarrrkk..." You yawned, walking over, knocking where the door SHOULD have been closed, but you were too tired to notice the door was open. "It's ten at night, why aren't you asleeeeppp...?" You asked sluggishly.

No answer. This frustrated you. "Mark, come on, man...why aren't you answering me? Come on...don't give me this attitude this late at night...go to bed, nerd..."

Still no answer. "Mark, come on, go to-" You finally opened your eyes, finding Mark's door wide open. Not to mention the bullet holes in it. "...Mark?" You gasped softly.

You walked in, looked around, jumping as you stepped on something. "Ow!!" You looked down, finding you stepped on..a...shell casing. "Mark, come on, man, mom and dad are gonna kill you, what the heck is-" You started, eyes drifting to his bed, jaw dropping and eyes widening in horror at what you saw.

Shell casings were strewn on the bed-how did you not hear him fire off his .50 cal?! You just heard him yell and then-Oh God.

You rushed out of his room, hurrying into the bathroom, vomiting into the toilet. Soon, you stood up from the floor, rinsing out your mouth and signing yourself with the sign of the cross before returning to your brother's room.

On your way back, you realized Sarah might have heard Mark and you went to go check on her, finding she was out of bed. "I heard Mark yell...is he okay...?" She asked, rubbing her eyes tiredly.

"Get back in bed, sweetie, I'll handle it." You hushed, tucking her back in.

"What's wrong?" She asked worriedly.

"Nothing, sis, just..." You muttered, kissing her on the forehead. "...I love you...so much..."

"Y/N, did something happen to Mark?" Sarah asked.

"...you won't understand..." You lamented.

"What happened to him?!" Sarah demanded, now wide awake.

"Sar-Sar, please..." You frowned, tearing up. "Just go back to bed..."

After a bit more begging, Sarah eventually gave up and went back to bed while you went to deal with the situation with Mark, grief heavy on your shoulders.

You didn't understand. Mark seemed fine two, three days ago. He promised Sarah he'd play hide and seek, take her out to get a treat, he was Mark, he was FINE.

Was it something you said? Mom? Dad? You shuddered to think of what could've driven Mark to do such a thing. All you knew is that you now had that image burned into your head. That awful, TERRIBLE, HORRID IMAGE burned into your head.

While you were in his room, you found a note in his reassurances book. "I have no choice anymore. The cops never came for me. NOBODY CAME FOR ME. Whoever is reading this, please stop it before it does this to anyone else."

Then it spiraled into deranged ramblings, all just the words "Who have I been praying to all this time?" until it became an unintelligible mess. To say this fucked with you was an understatement. You started to cry.

You slid down the door. God, how were you gonna tell Sarah? You couldn't. It would break her little heart. You sighed, looking up at the bed, again getting the horrible image burned into your head.

Your brother was dead, and you never went to check on him to make sure he was okay. You just assumed he was okay.

Sure, he was a bit of a mess when he came home...from...Cesar's house...

You froze, reading over the note again and again, pretty much DEDICATING IT TO YOUR FUCKING MEMORY.

Then it clicked.

Mark was a victim of an alternate encounter.

You TOLD him going to Cesar's late at night was a bad idea, you TOLD HIM to listen to the broadcast, you TOLD HIM THAT HE COULD ENCOUNTER AN ALTERNATE, but Mark being the stubborn man he is refused to listen.

You didn't hold it against him, though. He just thought he'd be helping out his friend.

You hold it against YOURSELF, however, that you didn't bother to ask him how he was doing afterwards. If you just reached out, he probably would've been fine, but you were selfish and just wanted to go to bed. That's what you told yourself, anyways.

You hoped, against all hopes, that maybe...just MAYBE, if you shook him, he'd wake up. You shook him, ignoring how cold his body was. "Mark...?" You rasped out.

He offered no response. "Mark...! C...Come on...!" You shook harder, still no response. You were in denial. BAD.

You shook harder, stepping back when he rolled over, "looking" at you with his glassy, lifeless eyes.

You ran back to your room, quickly packing your bag. You needed to get out of the damn house. You didn't know if or when you'd be back, you just knew you needed to go.

"Mark isn't okay, is he...?" Sarah asked.

"Sarah! You're supposed to be asleep...!" You frowned.

"What happened to him? I heard his friend, Cesar talking to him, saying something about a gift or present...did they have a fight...?" Sarah asked.

You started tearing up. The Alternate took the form of Mark's best friend. That was the last straw. "Sarah, I...I'm gonna be going away, for a while..." You sighed.

"When're you gonna be back?" She asked, face full of worry.

"I dunno...I'm just...not feeling too good, y'know? Feeling kinda yucky..." You said, trying to beat around the bush.

"Please...what happened to Mark...?" Sarah begged, tears threatening to spill out of her eyes.

"...Sarah, you're...too young to know exactly what happened...but...just know...it's something bad...really bad..." You explained carefully.

"Really...? I-Is he gonna recover okay...?" Sarah asked worriedly.

"...no...he's...mhh..." You frowned. "I-I need to go, I love you, don't ever forget that, you know my phone number, call me if you EVER NEED ANYTHING, okay?" You requested.

"Wh-Why...?" Sarah asked, confused.

"I know you're really confused, and I know this is probably really scary, but I need you to be a brave little girl for me, okay?" You asked.

"I...I'll do my best..." Sarah nodded sadly.

"Excellent...call me whenever you wanna talk, okay? And I mean WHENEVER."

"Okay..." Sarah smiled softly.

"Good." You smiled, giving your little sister a kiss on the forehead. "Now, don't go into Mark's room, okay? Remember how he NEVER allowed any girls in because he thought they were icky and gross?" You asked.

"Mhm, I 'member." She nodded.

"That rule still holds up now and until otherwise stated." You explained.

"Can I kiss it better?" Sarah asked. "Like he always did?"

Your face darkened. "No...I'm sorry, Sarah, this time, kisses won't make it better...I wish they could..."

"Oh..." Sarah frowned, looking down at the floor.

"Okay, I love you, I'll talk soon, okay?" You asked, Sarah nodding.

"Okay..."

"If mom and dad ask where I am, tell them I'm staying with a friend. Doubt they will though." You sighed.

You quickly ran into Mark's room, grabbing his car-keys and hurrying into his car. You didn't know where you were going, but you needed to go somewhere that wasn't here.

[Winter Break, 2009.]

You groaned, rolling over in bed, looking at your clock. 3:33 AM. You dragged your hands down your face. You'd been struggling to get to bed for the past few hours now.

You grumbled, getting up to go make yourself some tea. Trudging out to the kitchen, you rummaged around through your drawers, grabbing some lavender vanilla tea and a mug to put it in.

You knew why you were having trouble sleeping, but you would never admit it. You knew you should've been over it by now, but it was so sudden, you couldn't get over it so quickly.

You shut the cabinet as you grabbed your mug, putting water on the stove to boil. "Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y/N..." You grimaced. He was back. "How-w-w-w's my favorite-e-e-e wo-o-o-o-orthless si-i-i-i-ibling-g-g doing?"

You ignored him. It was your best choice at this point. You tried stabbing him, that didn't work, you tried locking him out, he still found ways in, you tried locking him in the basement, but he used your brother's voice to guilt-trip you into letting him out.

You were stuck with him. "Da-a-a-amn, gi-i-iving your bi-i-ig bro-o-other the silen-n-n-nt treatment-t-t-t? How ru-u-u-ude."

You groaned, hoping the water would boil faster. "A-A-A-A-Are you li-i-i-istening-g-g to me? Ne-e-e-evermind. You-u-u-u ne-e-ever di-i-id tha-a-at in life e-e-either-" It started, but you cut it off, snapping at it.

"YOU LISTEN HERE YOU LITTLE SHIT, YOU AREN'T MY BROTHER AND NEVER WILL BE. HE WAS A KIND, CARING INDIVIDUAL AND YOU'RE A SHELL OF WHAT HE WAS. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE." You yelled.

It narrowed its eyes, going to speak before it slammed its hands over its ears, blocking out the loud, high-pitched whistling sound of the tea-kettle. "...you can't handle high-pitched noise." You gasped.

"SHUT UP." It growled.

"I can get rid of you now! Eat it, bit-" You started.

"THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I NEVER TALKED TO YOU AND KILLED MYSELF!!!" It yelled at you in an exact imitation of your brother's voice.

You froze. That was the first time it was able to perfectly mimic his voice.

The tea-kettle's whistling got louder and higher-pitched, driving the alternate away for now, you getting snapped out of your trance from what the Alternate told you. "h....hello...?" You asked, sounding, honestly, quite haunted.

"Sorry, did I call at a bad time?" You sighed in relief. Thank Go...no, there wasn't one. Thank goodness.

"No, not at all, Sarah...thanks...uhm...yeah, no, I-I'm fine, what's up?" you asked shakily.

"You okay? You sound like you've seen a ghost." Sarah commented.

"Don't worry about it, what's up, are you alright?" You asked.

"Well, I was gonna ask if you've heard anything about the group I'm in or heard anything from anyone else in it."

You paused a moment. "That's with, uhh...Marshall and Murray, right?" You asked.

"Mhm. That's the one."

"No, I...I haven't. Why? Did something happen?" You asked, tilting your head in confusion.

"Adam and Jonah went out for an investigation and I haven't heard from them since. It's been three days and I don't know where they are." Sarah sighed.

"Where did they say they were going?" You asked.

"Uhm...6999 Ark drive, why?" Sarah asked.

You choked on air, sliding down the counter to the ground. "Y/n? Y/N, are you okay?!" Sarah asked.

You shakily brought the phone to your face again, nodding. "Sarah...does that address ring a bell to you...?" You asked, shaking fairly badly.

"No, should I?" Sarah asked, confused.

"That's Cesar's old house." You breathed out shakily.

[greenevergreens]

Saw this posted on Twitter by user @AwareOfTheNarc, and I couldn't agree more. So many stories of people being shamed, guilt tripped, screamed at, called horrible names, hell even beaten or raped (like if they say they aren't in the mood and they ask the narcissist to respect their no or whatever), for telling a narcissist to treat them with respect and decency, but narcissists seem incapable of being decent to anyone who isn't directly benefiting the narc to treat nicely. And the second that person stops being useful is the second the abuse starts for them too. It's a horrid cycle and I really am glad more and more people are waking up to the reality of associating with a narcissist in anyway.

It's also nice how many people are coming around to the idea that you can't fix someone for them, someone has to want to and put the work into getting better, otherwise they will never change. And narcissists are AWFUL at acknowledging they're the problem in any way shape or form, hell feels like pulling teeth just to get them to give a half assed, not really an apology that is also sort of an insult apology. You can basically forget about getting a genuine, honest, and compassionate apology from a narcissist.

I mean yeah there are (or so I've heard) narcissists in treatment, in therapy and who are doing their absolute best to be decent people. It just seems like those are only the minor cases, the more severe someone's narcissism, is the harder it is to convince them to even consider the POSSIBILITY that they could be part of the problem. You want to get them to admit they ARE the problem, period? I bet they'd rather get shot.

Though to be fair, I'd rather shoot a narcissist than try to get them to admit they're the problem in their life as well, so lol. Then again, I'd prefer to shoot a narcissist than have to interact with a narcissist in most any way. Awful creatures.

[radiant-reid]

Break my heart... again

part 1

summary: Y/n's come up with the perfect plan to get Spencer to love her. However, luck is not on her side.

content warning: A lot of implied smut/ dirty talk (R18)

relationship: post-prison! Spencer x Y/n

word count: 3.4k

After Y/n's tiny breakdown in the random copier room, she composed herself enough to be able to finish the case.

Thankfully, it only went on for one more night. Then she was on the jet back home. Everyone seemed to know something happened, not exactly what, but they knew something was wrong.

Y/n figured Emily must have mentioned something had happened to Y/n because the number of sympathetic looks she was getting was starting to irritate her.

Obviously, she was very thankful for the team, but she didn't want to be treated like a little kid. Like how Spencer treated her.

The worst thing was, she didn't hate him. Her heart still filled with adoration when she saw him. It was horrid.

Still, Spencer was perfect.

Thankfully, the flight wasn't too long, and she got away with shutting her eyes and pretending she was asleep. No one believed it, but no one wanted to make her feel uncomfortable.

Once they made it back to the BAU, Y/n went straight to the bathroom. She didn't feel like being part of the ritual of welcome back hugs from Penelope and making plans to go for drinks.

Spencer was starting to feel a little bad at breaking the poor girl's heart. He was only just becoming aware that all those times she followed him like a puppy dog, it wasn't because he'd spent the night fucking her roughly. It was because all those times they fucked, it meant something to her.

Anyone that knew Spencer knew that wasn't his intention, but he felt stupid for not noticing.

Emily patted him on the shoulder. "Stop worrying, Spence. You should have realized what was going on, but you didn't, and it's done now. Of course, I'm a little angry at you for it. You are a profiler. " She told him sternly. Spencer didn't disagree at all. "But I can tell you didn't mean for it to happen." Spencer quickly nodded at the statement.

"The best thing you can do is give her space and pay more attention to who you have friend-with-benefit relationships with." She continued, trying to give him some advice. "And also, look around a room before you say anything sexually implicit." She joked, making Spencer laugh.

"If you go talk to her, can you just tell her that I'm sorry for not loving her?" Spencer requested.

Emily shook her head. "You can't be sorry about not being in love with someone." She stated.

"Well, can you tell her I'm sorry for..." Spencer paused. He was definitely sorry, but he wasn't exactly sure about what. "For hurting her." He decided.

Emily nodded at that. "You're a good guy, Spencer, don't forget that. You do fuck up, like anyone else, but don't beat yourself up over it. Just learn from it."

"I will." Spencer agreed.

He was often grateful for Emily, but that night he was extra appreciative.

Emily left the group near the elevator, dashing off to find Y/n. Everyone else silently understood she wouldn't be joining them for drinks.

Y/n was in tears once again, looking into the bathroom mirror, a heartbroken look across her face.

"Oh, Y/n, come here," Emily instructed, opening her arms up to embrace the girl.

Y/n didn't waste a second accepting the hug. Her heart hurt in her chest, like every breath she took made her want to vomit. All the hyperventilating sobbing didn't help either. It was a horrible feeling, deep down, that she couldn't get away from.

She sobbed onto Emily's shoulder, feeling like a little kid all over again. Just emotionally hurt this time.

When her sobs slowed, Emily loosed her arms. "Come home with me, we'll get pizza, and we can just chat." She promised, trying to cheer up the girl she'd always seen as a younger sister.

Y/n nodded. "Can we get burgers, though?" She requested, thinking about the time she and Spencer had gotten pizza in the early hours of the morning. Something about it made her want to throw up.

Emily smiled softly at her. "Of course, and I have a few tubs of Ben and Jerry's in my freezer." She assured Y/n. Unbeknownst to everyone else, Emily always kept an emergency supply of ice cream. She wanted to be a good friend in case someone got their heart broken. And Y/n needed a friend.

"Thanks, Em," Y/n replied, hugging her once again.

It delighted Y/n how close she was with her boss. To most people, it would be an absurd thought. She definitely couldn't imagine hugging Hotch like this.

True to her promise, Emily ordered them burgers and enough fries to feed the whole BAU team. Y/n stayed quiet most of the car ride, not sure what to say that wouldn't make her cry. She still had a sinking feeling in her chest, like she was on a rollercoaster without an end.

"Come on." Emily guided her inside, silently instructing her to sit on the couch.

Y/n complied, putting a blanket over her lap. The extra warmth didn't do much to make her feel better.

Fast food on the coffee table, Emily took a seat next to her, and they both dug in. It didn't fill the void in Y/n's chest, but it was a reminder that she hadn't eaten in a while and was quite hungry.

"Do you want to talk?" Emily asked after a few minutes of silence.

Y/n shrugged. "Do you have tissues?" She asked. Emily slid a box over, prompting her to continue. "I don't really know what to say." She realized slowly.

"How do you feel?" Emily inquired.

She shrugged again. "Not great."

"Okay, fair enough, how did everything start?" Emily questioned. This was going to be awkward, Y/n figured. "I want to know as a friend, so you don't need to censor anything." She said, reaching out to pat Y/n's hand. "Wait, maybe censor anything explicit. I don't want to think about either of you like that." She realized, giggling a little bit.

Y/n nodded. "Uh, we were at the bar downtown..." She started. "But that's not where it started. I've had a crush on Spencer since I joined the team." That hurt to admit out loud. She paused to grab a tissue. "I never thought I'd actually act on it until he went to prison." Emily nodded understandingly.

"That was a tough time for all of us." She said reassuringly.

Y/n shook her head slightly. "It wasn't like that... I was okay at keeping my feelings at bay when he was in there... or though I did worry about him." She tried to explain through sobs. "But when he got out, and there was all that stuff with Cat... It's so stupid, but I was jealous."

"Jealous of?" Emily questioned, not understanding how someone could be jealous of the person they liked hating someone.

Y/n shrugged, not sure how she could put her words. "I guess how close they were. I mean, there's some serious sexual tension between them." She explained.

Emily wasn't sure if she wanted to admit it, but it was the truth. "Oh."

"Then I got kind of drunk." In reality, it was completely smashed. "And I flirted with him, like an embarrassing amount." She chuckled a little, cheeks heating up as she thought about how cringe-worthy her flirting had been. "And then, obviously, we had sex."

That was putting it lightly. The apt description would be Spencer railed her all night long until his title was the only thing she could retain. So roughly, her legs hurt for a good few days after.

Emily nodded, understanding and very thankful she wasn't a visual learner.

"I just really love him." Y/n cried out, bursting into tears. Emily quickly wrapped her in a tight hug, only letting her go once the sobs had turned into snivels.

Y/n knew she had to continue the story. "Obviously, we had sex after that, as well." Every time better than the last. "But, it was whenever he wanted it. God, I'm so stupid." She decided, shaking her head.

Emily frowned. "No, you're not. You're just young, naive, hopeful, optimistic, and in love." She comforted. "Those aren't bad things to be." She assured her.

"I just feel like such an idiot," Y/n explained. "I should have realized I was only there so he could blow off some steam." 'Idiot' didn't go far enough to describe how she felt. She had never felt dumber, like every bit of social intelligence she had was gone. "I hate him... but I also love him." It was a tough spot to be in, and she really wasn't sure which word described her feelings adequately.

Firstly, he had seriously fucked her up. And, she was furious about it. She couldn't believe how someone so smart would not realize she was in love with him.

But then again, she didn't believe he actually understood how deep her feelings were. After all, he had always been kind Spencer.

And, as much as she wanted to hate him, she couldn't.

"No, I love him. I wish I didn't, but I can't help it." Y/n decided.

Emily nodded. "I know it's hard. And I know you're probably still a little mad." Y/n nodded her head slightly. "But, for what it's worth, he's sorry."

That didn't help, in fact, it made Y/n cry more tears. It didn't help for her broken heart to know he was sorry. Emily realized the mistake she'd made and wrapped Y/n in another hug.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have told you that. He just wanted you to know." Emily spoke, her head on Y/n's shoulder. She was trying to avoid telling the girl how guilty Spencer looked, knowing it wouldn't be helpful.

Y/n nodded. "It's not your fault. I know, deep down, that he feels bad. It, um, just difficult to hear." She tried to explain, raising her voice at the end of the sentence.

Emily combed a hand through Y/n's hair as she cried onto her chest. "How can I help you feel better?" She asked.

Y/n shrugged. "I'm not sure I can."

"Eventually, you will," Emily assured her. "I know it's tough now, but is there anything I can do?"

Y/n thought of something. "Can you break out that ice cream?" She asked, a small smile on her face.

Emily was overjoyed to see even the faintest smile. She gladly jumped up to retrieve the frozen dessert.

They talked for a while, Y/n cried, Emily decided they needed a comedy movie, and Y/n ultimately fell asleep on her couch.

After that, things appeared to be getting better. Y/n took some time off work, just a week, to remember what was important. Emily insisted on it.

The week turned into 5 days when Y/n heard about dinner at Rossi's place. It was always an event she enjoyed, especially when she got to go home with Spencer. However, this time would be different.

Y/n had concocted a new plan. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

That's why she stood in front of Rossi's door with a friend, who happened to be a guy. Who she happened to tell Emily she was super into.

In reality, she couldn't care less about him. Oliver had paid for her coffee one morning, and that was all there was to it.

The plan was to make Spencer jealous. However illogical, she realized the probability of it working was. Love will make a person do irrational things.

Oliver was moderately attractive, although Y/n hadn't spent much time looking at him. With blonde straight hair, he wasn't exactly her type. Plus, he worked what sounded like a very boring job as a banker. Definitely not her type.

Still, it was the best plan she could come up with during her desperation.

Rossi opened the door, welcoming them both in with open arms. Y/n pretended she didn't notice the shocked look on his face when he saw Oliver.

She also pretended she didn't see the shocked looks on the rest of the team's faces.

Emily was quick to drag her out of the room, discretely taking her to the bathroom.

She looked kindly at the girl. "What are you doing?" She gently asked.

Y/n shrugged, clearly annoyed. "I'm upset I don't have a glass of wine in my hand and some pasta in front of me." She answered childishly.

Emily didn't let her caring expression waver. "What are you doing with whoever that guy was?" She asked. Y/n didn't want to answer. She knew it was a stupid idea. And furthermore, she knew Emily would agree. "Oh, you're trying to make him jealous."

Now Emily was the one with nothing to say. She didn't want to break Y/n's heart once again. But there wasn't a good outcome to the situation.

"Y/n..." Emily started.

Y/n groaned. "Maybe this was a dumb idea." She figured.

Emily nodded slightly. "I think you know it was."

"I just can't get him out of my head, Em. I've tried all week, but it's impossible." Y/n claimed. The deep hurt feeling she'd managed to mask for the past few hours had opened up again.

She couldn't stop the tears streaming quietly out of her eyes.

"Oh, sweetie." Emily cooed, pulling Y/n into her arms. Y/n tried to stop the tears, but she couldn't. She looked like an abandoned puppy dog, eyes wealing with tears.

They hugged for a few minutes before Y/n pulled away, trying to fix the mascara running down her cheeks.

"I'm good. I just need a few minutes." Y/n assured her, searching the cabinets for a makeup wipe. Luckily, she had concealer and mascara in her bag.

Emily nodded, slipping out of the bathroom give Y/n some time.

She was desperately trying to collect her thoughts, but it was proving difficult. Spencer was the one thing she couldn't stop thinking about, and every time she did, she hurt.

It was a pain so deep and so immense she didn't think she'd ever felt anything like it. On top of that, she didn't think she'd ever feel as destroyed again.

Looking at herself in the bathroom mirror, she felt like an idiot for the 15th time that day. She just couldn't believe she tricked herself into thinking someone as good as Spencer could love someone like her.

It was the self-hatred coming through that made her cry harder. And that wasn't even his fault.

Her legs got so weak she couldn't even stand, so she sat on Rossi's clean bathroom tiles. Her breathing was so out of sync with her sobs she started hiccuping.

Then, there was a knock on the door. "Come in, Em," Y/n replied, trying to stop her hysterical crying.

"It's, uh, it's not Emily." The voice came from the other side.

It was a voice she'd recognize anywhere, any tone, any volume.

It was Spencer Reid.

"Can I come in?" He asked, raising his voice a little too much at the end of his sentence. The profiler in her told her that it showed his apprehension.

Y/n didn't know how to reply. She didn't really want to see him, let alone see him when she looked like a blubbering mess. "I'm kind of busy?" She replied in a high-pitched tone.

"Please?" He requested.

Y/n let out a sigh. She couldn't stop the hope from consuming her up. She couldn't help but let her mind wander. She couldn't help but think Spencer had come to tell her he loved her.

So, she made her decision. "Sure."

She waited anxiously as he opened the door. All the love she had for Spencer came rushing back. Maybe this was her romantic movie scene. The moment when Spencer was going to realize he was in love with her.

False hope is one of the most dangerous feelings. It can turn any amount of emotion into optimism. And that was exactly what it did to all of Y/n's love, hatred, anger, and anticipation. It was all faith that things would work out.

Spencer walked in, visibly softening when he saw her sitting on the floor. He didn't think himself a bad person, which is why the fact everyone else might have been thinking he was made him feel guilty. The evidence, despite being truthful, made him appear blameworthy.

He took a seat next to her, scrunching his dress pants. It was then he realized he didn't know what to say.

"Please don't look at me," Y/n begged, running her right palm over her eyes. "I look a mess."

Spencer shook his head at her. Although he didn't have any romantic feelings for her, she was pretty. He could see that. "You look beautiful." He assured her.

When Y/n's face perked up, he recognized how she might have interpreted his words. It was the first smile of hers he had seen in a week, and he couldn't bear to ruin it.

But he knew he had to. "I came to tell you that I'm really sorry." Again, Y/n looked hopeful, her tears stopping. "I'm sorry that I can't love you the same way."

There it was. Y/n looked crushed all over again. She felt like her world had fallen apart once more. Everything seemed to crumble around her as the tears started flowing.

Spencer didn't know what to do. He didn't think he'd ever broken anyone's heart, until now but it was a terrible feeling. He felt responsible for every tear Y/n sobbed out.

Y/n rested her head back against the wall, turning to look at Spencer's eyes for the first time in a week. "What it something I did?" She had to ask, despite knowing the answer could hurt her.

Spencer quickly shook his head. "Absolutely not. It's my fault."

Y/n dryly chuckled at that through tears. "Are you giving me the age-old 'it's not you, it's me' speech?" She asked. Spencer furrowed his eyebrows, trying to understand. "It's a cliche people say when they're trying to nicely end something with someone." She explained.

"Oh." Spencer acknowledged. "I mean it. It was never my intention to hurt you at all, and I'm an idiot for not realizing something else was going on." He tried to make her understand.

"I know, Spence, I know you," Y/n assured him, stopping him before he could start rambling. "You're so sweet, which makes it impossible for me to dislike you." She told him.

Spencer frowned, thinking about one of his biggest fear. "I really hope you don't hate me."

Y/n shook her head. "I could never. I might dislike myself but not you."

"Don't do that either." He pleaded, trying to come off like a caring friend. Y/n understood that better now. "I know I don't have a place to say this, and I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but you're really amazing."

Y/n smiled a little, genuine and without false hope. "Thank you, and thank you for making this not awkward." She said, giggling at the end.

Spencer shook his head. "I understand it's going to be difficult to be friends, but when you're ready, that's something I want. If you do too, of course."

"I will get over you. Eventually." Y/n realized. It made her just as happy as it did Spencer. All he wanted was the best for her, and that wasn't him fucking her whenever he wanted. "And, when I am, I'd like to be friends."

Spencer nodded. "Thank you, and I'm not sure if I'm meant to say this, but thank you for the past few months. I'm sorry I couldn't love you properly." It hurt Y/n less that time, and it reassured her that slowly but surely, it would hurt less over time.

"You can't apologize for who you love and don't love," Y/n told him, just like Emily had said.

"Thank you," Spencer replied with a nod. "Are you ready to go back out there?" He asked, standing up before offering her a hand.

It was the first time Y/n had touched him and not felt the electric spark. She knew it wouldn't be that easy to get over him, but hearing the truth meant there was no chance for false hope.

Spencer pulled her up. "I've just got to fix my makeup," Y/n mentioned.

He nodded awkwardly. "Right, I'll go."

Just like that, he left. But, things felt better. Y/n felt less empty. She was confident she could get over him.

And she was going to do it without a silly rebound. Now, it was her time to work on herself and move on.

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[psychicdreamfriendoperator]

When Yahya Courts Someone

Possible Triggers

homophobia / mentions of homophobia

transphobia / mentions of transphobia

racism / mentions of racism

anti-miscegenation / mentions of anti-miscegenation

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I am very sorry to the anon that sent in the first ever ask of this blog (which was something along the lines of “How would Yahya court a romantic interest?”)

I accidentally posted my reply before it was finished, and in my haste, I deleted the post, not realising that also deleted the ask itself

Once again, I apologise, mystery anon :'D

Though the ask specified Yahya courting someone . . . I couldn't resist adding some other things.

In any case, I hope this is what you wanted— if not, feel free to resend the ask!

— Psychic

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Things to Note

he is honestly very bigoted— no amount of love will change that so easily, if at all.

It's unlikely that he will court any member of a different species, the opposite sex, or even a carnivore.

His view of Beastars society is very warped, and at times, it will seem as if he is projecting those views onto you.

Likewise, the walls he’s put up around himself are difficult to penetrate, which may leave a prospective S/O wondering if the relationship is one-sided.

He does love you, though— he simply isn't very affectionate at first, second, or even third glance.

All in all, both parties will need to put in work if this relationship is to be a healthy one.

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In General

Yahya isn't the type to date around blindly— he may sleep around, however, he doesn't consider that to be as personal as actually courting someone.

Still, if he's attracted to you, you must have caught his attention in some way.

Perhaps you were a carnivore nearly died defending your herbivore companions?

Maybe, you were rescued by the Black Devil after being attacked by a vicious carnivore?

It's also possible that you used your talents to highlight or solve an important issue in society, and was rewarded by the Sublime Beastar himself.

In any case, if you know that Yahya is attracted to you and vice versa, it's best to tell him directly

An antsy Yahya is a destructive Yahya— something that the carnivores of society know all too well.

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Same-Sex and/or Non-Genderconforming S/O

you will know when he becomes interested in you, because then he will make a serious effort to understand you.

Eventually, he is able to rationalise your orientation and gender identity— it’s not the same as absolute acceptance, but it is a start

He is still very ignorant about the finer details of everything, but he is very receptive to feedback.

After all, he's going to all this effort in an attempt to know you — the real you.

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Carnivore S/O

even if he’s dating you, don't expect his attitude towards carnivores to shift overnight.

If anything, you're one of the few “interesting” and “good” ones

Still, the more time he spends with you, the more his horizons broaden and the more he understands just how horrid his previous views were

You more than likely know all of the rumours about the Black Devil, and you may be curious as to how accurate those rumours are

Yahya is more than willing to keep you in the dark about his less than . . . honest activities

You'll have grown on him, and he doesn't want to end up scaring you away

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Different Species S/O

while he would prefer to be in a relationship with a member of his own kind, he doesn't mind being with a herbivore of another species

You may share some of his views regarding certain topics, or, you may not.

Herbivores are very varied in their thinking patterns— and so, it's possible that you may subconsciously affirm Yahya’s beliefs that herbivores are superior

Though, that isn't a fair comparison.

As his S/O, you are already superior to everyone.

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Interaction

No matter your sex, gender identity and species, you’re very wary of Yahya.

Although herbivores treat their Beastar with the utmost respect . . . even they know how terrifying Yahya is— he’s able to hold his own against several carnivores his size with ease.

As you date, this wariness lessens until it is virtually non-existent.

Instead, the wariness is replaced by an odd sense of comfort.

Your S/O is the Beastar — you have nothing to worry about, and you can just sit back and enjoy life.

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Dating

Yahya prefers not to show himself to the public unless it is absolutely necessary.

I hope you don't mind staying indoors . . . you will be doing it a lot.

You may be able to convince him to take you out — but even then, Yahya is able to pull rank, leaving the both of you very isolated from others.

You want to go out to eat? Fantastic choice— so fantastic in fact, that Yahya’s reserved the entire venue!

Want to go to a theme park? Would you look at that— all of the rides are free of charge, and the place is practically a ghost town except for the theme park staff!

Disappointed that all the tickets to a certain movie are sold out? Don't worry— Yahya managed to save the both of you VIP seating.

This being said . . . material gifts are nice and all, but they are no substitute for the emotional part of a relationship.

Yahya isn't too sure he can give that to you.

Your attempts at flirting fall flat more often than not— similarly, Yahya’s double entendres go right over your head

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Issues You Face As A Couple

As stated above, Yahya will sooner show his affection through gifts rather than words.

But, being on the receiving end of expensive gifts all of the time can make anyone feel like a free loader.

Sometimes, you just want to cuddle and be close to the one you love.

That's a seemingly impossible request at times— Yahya loves you, but he has his duties, as well.

You will have to accept that his role as Beastar comes first.

If you're a carnivore and it's discovered that the Sublime Beastar is courting you, you can expect your fellow carnivores to treat you with suspicion.

This alienates you further— even if you were to break up with each other, you won't ever be able to rid yourself of the “Black Devil’s Lover” label.

Still, the both of you know that you want this relationship, and that makes it worth it— even if everything takes a while to get used to.

[pedropascalssimp]

Confessions on Cloud city

Mando x reader

Summary: when the crest breaks down on the system of cloud city, y/n and din finally realize how much they mean to one another

Warnings: fluff

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You let your eye's wander across the clean white room, taking in how comfortable and large the bed was compared to the old small excuse for one you usually slept on. As you walk further in the room taking in the beauty of the pinkish, peach colored clouds outside the big window.

You've seen more planet's then any other being in the galaxy, but cloud city was by far the most beautiful one you've ever seen yet. Although your fellow companion, the mandalorian, didn't quite enjoy the place like you did, that's why he said he would fix the crest (which had broken down) in the morning then you both would be gone in a flash.

You torn around, a little grin on your face as you look at the beskar clad man. The orange hue from the setting sun reflects on the silver of his armor. "you can take the bed, I'll sleep on the floor" his distorted voice broke the settling silence that had fallen in the room.

You roll your eyes at the man, "like I'm going to let you sleep in the floor," you playfully punch his shoulder before waltzing over toward the bed, flopping down on it with a deep content sigh, "we can both sleep on the bed, as long as you don't kick me or still the blankets" you say, looking up in time to see the way his head snaps toward you, his hands began to discreetly fidget - well try to do it discreetly. But you saw and can't help but smile at the man.

He was just so adorable, funny seeing as to how he was a cold blooded bounty hunter, but he was adorable. The way you could just tell he was flustered when you compliment him, or how he starts fidgeting when you wrap an arm around his waist when walking through a unknown town. Or when you would gently place a kiss on the back of his hand in more peaceful and quiet moments of zooming around in space....

You honestly had fallen in love with Mando the moment you both met all those years ago on tatooine, when he had practically saved you from the horrid tuskin raiders. And you had thought he felt the same way, but when you dwelled on it for to long he'd push you away harshly, locking himself up in his room on the crest. Leaving you feeling alone and utterly heartbroken.

"you don't mind sharing a bed with me? It doesn't make you feel... Uncomfortable?" he asks, although his voice was disguised by his helmet you could hear the nervousness dripping from his voice.

"does it make you uncomfortable?" you retort with a grin, watching how he scratches at the back of his neck.

"no..." was his mumbled short reply.

"well then pick you're desired side and make yourself comfortable" you spoke cheerfully as you stand from the bed and walk over toward the window, looking out at the infinite world of clouds. Slowly turning darker and more of a dark purple and lavender as the sun descends from the sky.

"I'll take the left, it's closer to the door in case something happens" he said from behind you. Turning around you spot him seated on the edge of the bed.

"I'm going to go change into something more lighter to sleep in instead of these heavy pants and dirty shirt" you announced. Already looking through the small bag you always had slung over your shoulder, pulling out a clean t-shirt and shorts of some sorts. Then heading towards the brown curtain hanging over the washroom threshold.

Once inside you clean yourself a bit and put on the clean clothes, walking out when done seeing that the sun was gone and the room was dark, not completely dark to where you was walking into things, but dark enough to where you couldn't quite see. Like how you could make out Mando's silhouette on the bed, but for some odd reason he didn't look as... Armored.

"why is it so dark in here?" you questioned as you half blindingly make it back to the bed, sitting on the edge on the right side as Mando doesn't speak. This peaks your interest as you pull your legs onto the bed and fully face mando, who had his back pressed against the headboard. "I know you're usually quiet mando but you're never this quiet, what's up?" you ask, knowing that something must have been bothering him because the way he hadn't stopped fidgeting nor spoken since earlier.

"I can trust you, it's dark in here so you can't see" your heart skipped a beat, a excitement settling deep inside your fluttering heart as you look at the dark shadowy figure of Mando, his voice natural, deep and smooth. He didn't have his helmet on, and when you blindly scoot your hand around on the bed between you both, you felt the soft skin of his hand. He flinched away at first, but soon let you delicately take his hand in yours.

"I was slightly worried you'd try and sleep in the beskar, I know it must be uncomfortable" you try and make your voice sound as if you wasn't about to burst with love. But that's hard when the man you've loved for years was finally bare and vulnerable in front of your eye's, even if you couldn't see him.

"it's not as bad as some think, but it does get hot and I intend on getting a goods night sleep so I can fix the crest early." he said, you couldn't seem to get enough of his unfiltered voice, the sound beautiful and overall soothing. You wanted to hear him talk all night.

"would you find weird if I - if I touched you're face?" you felt a blush creep onto your cheeks. But you couldn't help but ask the question, this moment was something you thought only would happen in your dreams. But here you are.

Instead of answering you, he takes your hand that was already in his and brings it up to cup his cheek, and you can't help the smile that blooms on your face when you felt little prickly hairs on your palm. You then slowly trail your hand down towards his neck, your other hand trailing over his forehead, the tip of your finger slowly dragging down the Devine shape of his nose, then finally his lips. A small smile tugging at his chapped yet soft lips as you find yourself lost in this handsome man.

"you're absolutely beautiful" you whisper, the hand you held on his neck begins slowly running through his soft hair.

"how do you know if you can't even see me?" his voice sounded so insecure and vulnerable that your heart was soaring for the man, but as you slowly lean closer to him, sitting on your knees in front of the man, you bring both hands to cup his cheeks, your thumb rubbing delicately at his bottom lip.

"I don't need to see you to know you're beautiful mando, I've always thought you was beautiful, but after feeling every single dip, curve and slope of you're face, I know you're beautiful" you muttered with a little smile. And before your mind could register what was happening, Mando placed a hand on your neck bringing you in for a gentle kiss, his lips moving against yours in a slow dance filled with love and longing.

You let out a little sigh into the kiss, melting against his soft touch, the way his warm lips fit against yours like two puzzle pieces, his little mustache tickling you, it was perfect. But As he slowly starts to pull away, his lips just barely ghosting over yours, he smiles.

"my names din djarin." he muttered, more like panted as he leans his forehead against yours.

"din... A beautiful name for a beautiful man" you say with a grin spreading across your face. And he laughs, his nose bumping against yours as he does so.

"you're always such a flirt y/n" he murmurs, smile still wide, and you close your eye's Relishing in this moment, his warm skin against yours, lips still barely touching your own. This was definitely a dream come true.

"only with you..."

"always cliché as well" he chuckles and you giggle.

"you better stop picking fun at me and get some sleep so you can fix that hunk of junk" you say reffuring to his beloved ship.

He pulls away from you and scoots down the bed, laying down and jerking you down with him so your head rests on his chest, his heart beat sounding so wonderful under you head. He wraps his arms around you and kisses the top of your head

"call my ship a 'hunk of junk' one more time and I'll kick you to the curb" he jokes, and you giggle. Eye's feeling heavy as you close them, all those nights of restlessness catching up to you, and when he yawns you know he's in the same predicament.

"goodnight y/n..." he muttered, voice raspy and low as he was on the brink of falling asleep.

"goodnight din" you whisper back, and just as you feel your mind going blank and the arms of sleep embrace you, you heard his last words.

"I love you"

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A/n: I wrote this before I completely just stop writing all together, at least for the time being, until I learn how to deal with a wave of depression I don't think will ever go away. I wrote this a while ago, just never posted it. But I decided I'd post one more imagine before I isolate myself from the world.

[roexe]

Venting out some thoughts at five in the morning.

It's five A.M. and I can't sleep. I've felt fairly horrid the past few weeks--my condition only worsening since admitting my mother to the Emergency Room on Sunday. It's difficult for me to say I am struggling when I feel that I am not allowed to. Despite being both physically and mentally disabled, depressed, queer, traumatized, and going through an adverse family experience, I think I do not qualify. Perhaps because I've been told I'm well-off, or that people have it worse, or because I so often have contained these issues, holding them close to my chest.

I keep having nightmares. I'm awake right now because I am scared of falling asleep and seeing my mother die, again. It took me months to realize that Dimitri and I have the same recurring nightmare, though...his are worse. He's been so wonderful throughout the past year. He's taken all of my highs and lows in stride; my mother's (first) NDE, her cancer diagnosis. My callout post that legitimately gave me trauma and chronic paranoia. My autism/ADHD/depression diagnosis. My fibromyalgia diagnosis and my pelvic issues. I left him for a time because I was just...I was upset. I keep believing I need to take things on by myself. I don't deserve kindness, friends, people who believe in me.

He was patient and kind, as lovely as ever. I don't deserve him. It's sad, but I think he's the only consistent, reliable thing in my life. I keep reminding myself of reality, how I regularly fall behind. I can't quite keep up. I think that when I am left alone I won't know what to do. People keep telling me that I am strong and competent but this is far from the case. I am weak and scared and defective. Weakness brought me to my assaulter. Weakness follows my every move. I am terrified of being alone but equally scared of forming relationships. I can't seem to get many people to stay. I'm not easy to love. I never was.

You would think that the medication I have been prescribed would work for me. I was tested and they concluded it would. It hasn't, not really. A pill cannot cure the root cause, but only manage the symptoms. My lyrica cannot even do that. As I lay here I am in misery. My torso feels as though it has a knife lodged through it's right side where my gallbladder used to be. My left side is continually spasming, as it has been doing for a year. Every time I eat I feel sicker, but if I don't I am in agony. I feel like crying but I can't because of the mood stabilizer. Everything hurts.

I want to hug someone. I'm touch averse because I'm autistic and because I was sexually assaulted. I never said that on my old blog. I also never said that I identified as a transman for over a year in high school, but I did. I have so many issues and I feel...broken beyond repair. One of my best friends once stormed into my dorm and asked me why I can't be normal. After that I went into the bathroom and sobbed, bleeding both literally and metaphorically. When I lost 140 pounds in a year I did it by starving myself and routinely purging my meals, even once starving myself a whole two weeks before eating, again. When I did, I punished myself, yet again. When I got down to half my original body weight I looked in the mirror and my face crumpled. I saw the physical and mental harm I had inflicted on myself. It had never been more clear how much I loathed my entire existence. I craved comfort I couldn't seem to find, until I started dating a man in my head.

It sounds so depressing when I say it out loud, but he really did save my life. He got me eating, again, and he made the pain and panic attacks livable. After so many long years of a perceived tortured existence, I found an ounce of peace.

Now, as I lay here, I am considering writing, or drawing. These are the two things that fulfill me, these days. These are the things that keep me above ground. I understand this vent was a lot. To be honest I know I will regret it later. But I wanted to say these things out loud. I wanted the world to hear me. If only just once. I'm sorry.

[coffeeman777]

Your recent post regarding the r-pe victim actually got me thinking on how Christians address abuse and even a clear bias Christians tend to have when dealing with seemingly crazy people on either end be you religious or not. Do I believe the person was a troll? No. You said yourself that people send these types of asks with anger or even some spite towards Christians but if that was the case, you'd thinking they'd just be spouting about how evil Christians are. Speaking as an abuse and r-pe surviver myself, it seems the person is being manipulated but that's just my opservation. It's good to question a claim but there's a fine line between that and just flatout refusing to accept abuse occurs within the Church. You said people attempting to cause problems often report sexual misconduct and follow it up with condemnations of Christianity. I take numerous issues with this but first and foremost: if you wish for people to see Christianity in a better light, all accusations should be handled as though the person is telling the truth unless proven otherwise. Going back to me; I was the victim of r-pe and as a result, I was more critical of Christianity. Does this mean I'm a faker? According to you: the anwser is a likely yes. I can understand people lying but that's no reason to dismiss victims and it certainly doesn't excuse many Christians on here who insist on stating abuse doesn't occur at all.

Christians see these statements as attacks on their faith which comes off as self centered. If someone came to me and said a rabbi sexually abused them, I'm not going to dance around the issue and try to find a way to deny it. I assure the victim what they went through was horrid and okay. I know defending Christianity is pretty important but I argue the biggest defense of Christianity is the assurance of a victim of abuse that they are heard. Some may argue the extreme examples of abuse couldn't possibly happen and many on here deny how severe abuse can get but thr truth is abuse, religious or not, can go straight into sadism.

Huge tw for abuse and mentions of abuse (physical/sexual)

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2018/08/08/a-10-month-old-died-after-her-parents-refused-to-get-help-for-religious-reasons-police-say/%3foutputType=amp

Seth Welch and Tatiana Fusari allowed their 10 month old to die a slow and painful death, all while using God and the bible as a jusitfication. Is this story suddenly fake? Are Seth and Tatiana trolls trying to make Christians look bad?

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/mom-pleads-guilty-murder-8-year-old-boy-thought-be-n848741

Gabriel Fernandez, 8 years old, was murdered by his mother. The mother and her boyfriend admitted to killing the boy by citing the bible and stating they "thought he was gay". Is Gabriel another atheist troll? Are his parents suddenly militant keyboard warriors trying to mske Christians look bad?

https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/south-korean-toddlers-death-sparks-call-for-stiffer-penalties-for-abuse

This young girl, who's name I was unable to find, was murdered by her foster parents. She was considered property and her injuries severe enough to cause uproar in South Korea. The parents, both devout Christians, showed no remorse. Is this girl some atheist wanting a laugh at Christians? Are the parents Christian haters wanting to further an agenda?

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-25268343.amp

Here we even have a book written by 2 devout Christians that proudly preaches to beat your children into submission. As of now, 3 deaths are linked to this book. Did the book just want to send anon hate? Did the 3 kids get their jollies by mocking Christians?

I don't say this to claim all Christians are bad or even mock you but extrene examples exist and I found even more too. I understand your viewpoint but to so broadly label this stuff as trolling attempts is very dishonest at best and blatant gaslighting at worst. I say this as someone who went from atheist to jewish: being labeled a faker or troll for very real abuse didn't help my negative perception of Christianity. Saying "why did god allow this" is a reasonable reaction, especially when many Christians preach things like "everything happens for a reason" or "god is testing you". It's a complex issue I feel you're not giving enough thought into. Please consider my words and God bless you. Sincerely- Someone who wants other victims to be heard.

Heya.

So, after reading your ask, I think maybe I wasn't clear enough in my previous statements on this topic. I've never suggested that all accusations of wickedness against Christians are automatically suspect. I've never denied that there are evil people in the Church doing evil things. And I even gave a personal example, a time when my family and I suffered from such wickedness from Christians. On this blog, I've answered dozens and dozens of anonymous asks wherein the asker shared a personal struggle resulting from abuse from a Christian or a local church, and I've taken them all at their word. I have never suggested that an act of wickedness just can't happen in a church or among Christians.

There were evil people infiltrating the Church from the very beginning, and several passages of Scripture warn us to keep a watch out for them.

I have never and will never just assume that a person is lying simply because they're reporting an act of evil on the part of a Christian or a church. Without some reason to think otherwise, I'll give the person the benefit of the doubt and believe that they're telling the truth. I'll listen to them, give them advice, pray for them, and try to help them however I can.

But the reality is that not every report of abuse/evil/wickedness is real. Some of them are lies. There are people who lie about these kinds of things for all sorts of reasons. The Lord calls us to be wise and discerning. I will not abandon the use of reason when evaluating any claims, including claims of evil within the Church.

When I explained why I thought the anon ask that started all this wasn't real, it wasn't because I thought a rape couldn't happen, or that it's impossible for a person who thinks themselves a Christian to be deluded enough to think it's ok by God that they rape people. What I was trying to point to is the language used and the descriptions of behavior, things that don't line up.

Let me offer an example:

Commonly, you'll hear anti-religious types use specific phrases to denigrate Christians and Christianity. One of the favored ones is "magic sky daddy," or some variation. That phrase gets passed around a lot, constantly being used and re-used by these anti-religious types both in person and on message boards. I've heard it/read it many times. But never have I ever heard or read a Christian legitimately use that expression to describe God. So, say I receive an anonymous ask where the asker says they're a Christian, and they've been hurt by another Christian or by a church, and in the course of the ask they use the term "magic sky daddy" as if Christians legitimately and typically refer to God in this way. When I read this, I will automatically be suspicious; not because the asker is alleging evil on the part of Christians, but because they've given me a legitimate reason to link them with the atheist troll types.

When an ask has several of these red flags, I doubt the validity of the claim. But in the absence of such red flags, as a general rule, I always give everyone the benefit of the doubt.

[tartagliaxx]

hi hi lei!! what are you doing right now? i'm rewatching twilight american netflix now has the whole series i'm at breaking dawn and bella is finding out shes pregnant i'm nervous i think i'm gonna skip to the second part soon i couldn't fully watch her give birth before,,,,the sounds were already too nasty i swear in hell they play that part to torture people 😭😭 also the next time i text you it'll be on tumblr web cause i'm getting a new laptop!! my old one was broken for years and i was too scared to tell my mom i broke it incase i got in trouble but she ended up wanting to borrow it and she found out if you're curious no i didn't get trouble i got laughed at OTL

i just remembered to tell you that i only used that alt american genshin account to replay the kaeya story quest cause i miss him dhekfhoefh i'm sorry i don't have co op unlocked yet and i don't plan to with inazuma coming so soon 😭😭 also can i ask how was your lag on the american server? mine is always a lil bad but on the other one the numbers were actually green!! i heard its because of the distance from where i am to where the sever is located that affects my connection and i just wanted to see if that's true or if its something else :0?- 🍰

i just finished my classes sigh. in a while i'd be filming a workout routine so i am currently grieving. a little fun fact, i despised the idea of bella and edward as a child so i stayed off the books and movies. the one time i decide to take a peek at the movie that was playing in a channel, the first thing i saw was that horrid birth scene. so yes. it's no wonder i know jack about twilight bc that was a nightmare fr. i uh, hope you'll enjoy the other films though?

LMFAO well thank god your mom didn't get mad and congrats on getting a new laptop whoop whoop! i use both mobile and web actually. mobile if i'm just browsing, answering asks and shitposting but web when i'm posting and scheduling content.

ajakfajbfagaah nah its fine. i havent been spending a lot of time in my alt either. i started it for childe's sake bc i wanted a fall back plan in case i didnt get him in my main. my ping in asia goes from green to yellow (with red when its extra dreadful) but in america, i have legit not passed anything beyond the red zone. f to me and f to every single person in asia who experiences the same bs.

[midlifesinglemommy]

MSM Confessions – The iPhone 7 Really is Waterproof!!

Other than being a mom half of the time to a needy child and working my ass off regularly on my business, I go out and have fun sometimes. Some of those times, I tell myself, "I'm never growing up." Yesterday was Opening Day for the Baltimore Orioles and it was one of those times. I am not sure what your city or town is like but we make a big deal out of here in Baltimore. It is something that I do with my friends every year and it is always so much fun!  The picture included is one picture of many that were taken yesterday.

My friends and I went to a tailgate party which was $45 for all you can eat and drink along with a great band that has a great singer who is also a friend. I hadn't been out for a while and have had a few rough weeks. I get very irritable right before the spring. I am a summer person. I love the warm temperatures and usually by the end of the winter, I've had enough of gloomy and cold days.  I am at that point so it is fair to say I am a little on edge and the only way I was going to have fun yesterday, was to let loose and have some drinks!

Most people go out, have a few drinks and pace themselves. Not me and my friends. We go out and get silly and don't stop. Yesterday was a fun day and the weather was great but there was one problem! Towards the end of the day, I went into one of the disgusting port-a-potties and heard something fall in and thought it was my watch. I realized that I still had it on and couldn't figure out what it could have been. I just wanted to get out of there. Those things disgust me. As I was walking away from the potty it suddenly occurred to me that I had my phone in my back pocket and...OH SHIT! Did my phone fall in?  Sure enough, my phone was missing.  I went back to look. I am not sure what I was expecting to see. I couldn't remember which potty I was in and they all had blue water. I coughed it up as a really dumb mistake and decided life goes on and I would have to deal with it the next day. I should note that I never carry my phone in my back pocket...until yesterday!

I used my friend's phones to text my kids' father just to let him know I had lost it. I like to always have an open line of communication open with him when he has my son.

This morning, my ex sent me an email to let me know he found my phone. He decided to call my phone a few times this morning to see if anyone would answer. I never told him that I dropped it in the potty. Someone finally did answer and they claimed that they were a chef at a fancy hotel downtown and that they found my phone on the ground. I didn't understand this but thought...wow, maybe I didn't drop it in the pot after all. Maybe I dropped it on the ground somewhere. I was skeptical though. I was sure I dropped it in the port-a-pot but have no idea how someone could have found it.

I drove downtown to pick up my phone and as I was driving home, I noticed a horrid smell. Then it hit me...OMG...maybe it really did fall in the port-a-potty as I thought and somehow, someone got it out.  I really don't know but once I realized what the smell was, it was coming from my phone and it was badddddd! I threw the phone case away and washed and disinfected it when I got home.  It no longer smells and works perfectly fine.  I guess this will be one of my life mysteries forever. Seriously, who has ever dropped their phone in a port-a-potty and got it back the next day at a hotel that you've never been to? Actually, who has ever dropped their phone in a port-a-potty and got it back? I have two takeaways for you today.  1 - if you ever lose your phone, even if in a port-a-potty, you just never know, it could appear the next day...somehow...someway.  It is possible!!! 2 - the iPhone 7 really is waterproof!

Lesson learned...pee in the alley next time!

This post was originally posted on Midlife Single Mommy March 2018