#is a form of self love that resonates with me so strongly

[alsojnpie]

you know something. i love you a whole lot.

[bewitchingivy]

WHAT HAPPENS BEFORE YOU MEET YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE // pick a card

Hey, lovely souls! I hope you're all doing well~♡ In this new PAC, we're going to uncover what's going to happen before your future spouse comes into your life, to give you some little hints~hehe. Maybe the events mentioned in the piles is happening to you now, who knows?

methods used in this reading: tarot, intuition.

࿐ DISCLAIMERS:

Tarot or any forms of divination is not set in stone. It’s not your only future, but a probable one with the current energy you have right now. If a reading doesn’t resonate, simply let it fly away and shift your energy. Because you can change your reality, and you have the undeniable power to do so.

Please keep in mind that my readings are for entertainment, positive, or inspirational purposes only. Please don’t take them as a professional or medical advice. Any actions or decisions taken are your responsibility.

The images I use in my blog are not mine unless I say so. The pictures belong to their respectful owners.

Now choose one (or more) of the latest releases from my top 5 favorite artists!

PILE ONE / lavender haze - acoustic version by taylor swift

Greetings to the people who chose the first pile! Lovely to have you here <3

What we have in the cards here is that you will have some sort of recognition, achievement, or success before you meet your future spouse. Why am I strongly getting a graduation of some sort? The people who chose this pile are probably studying in college or highschool. There's going to be a celebration that your friends and family will have for you. At this time, you're going to receive a lot of praise and recognition. I'm also seeing that there's something spiritual happening after that, it's like you're going to have some spiritual transformation. You're going to grow spiritualy. Lastly, we have the Fools card here which tells me that after all this achievements and growth in your life, you're going to take a short break or vacation even for just a little while. Like a month or something. You will do a lot of self care and reflection at that time, and then you'll be ready to start new beginnings. And this new beginning coming your way? That's when you'll meet your future person <3

signs, confirmations, messages; a white dog (like a husky?), 444, clover leafs, going to a cafe, kdrama, tarot, yes, you're not late.

Thank you for allowing me to read for you ♡ I'm sending much love and light your way and to your loved ones! — Ivy Feel free to send me a feedback and check out my masterlist for more!

PILE TWO / say yes to heaven by lana del rey

Hi there! To you who chose pile two, I hope you're doing well!

So to begin your reading, this is somehow related to the first pile, since your first cards are the six of wands. Both piles are going to achieve some success. You'll definitely get some attention from this, I'm getting that this achievement of yours is like, going to attract a lot people's attention. For some of you, I'm getting that this is a career that you've always wanted to have, and now you got it. But here's the thing, not all people are going to have good intentions. There's going to be someone from your past, at first I was getting an ex friend, but some of you could have an ex lover too. You no longer talk with this person, but then when you've achieved this success of yours, they're going to be like, out of nowhere, “Hi! Congratulations, I'm really happy for you.” Which to me, guys, I'm sorry, but I will say that those are just lies. I'm mostly just getting that they'll be jealous of you, and they'll want to start over with you again just because you have this career or whatever success you'll have. You will notice this though. And though you still might care for them, and a part of you wants to start over your relationship, you will be disappointed to see that they still haven't change for the better and then you will eventually decide that you're not going to rekindle the fire you had with them. You're going to decide that it's over, like ever. (WEEEEEE!! ARE NEVEREVEREVERGETTINGBACKTOGETHER-) Ahem. Anyways, that's great. I'm proud of you already that you're going to do that. Because you'll need to kick this person's ass out of your life so your future spouse can knock on your door already.

I didn't got any more signs/confirmations for you, pile two!

Thank you for allowing me to read for you ♡ I'm sending much love and light your way and to your loved ones! — Ivy Feel free to send me a feedback and check out my masterlist for more!

PILE THREE / rush! by måneskin

Hello to you who has chosen the third pile~♡ I hope you're doing well!

Before meeting your future spouse, you will face some sort of decision whether you should leave or stay in a relationship. I'm really sorry to hear this, guys, but this person has/is going to give you pain. You put your hopes for this person only for them to disappoint you. I'm mostly seeing this is a romantic relationship, but for some of you it could be a friendship or a family member. But if it is a romantic relationship, it's going to be long distance. And for some of you, I'm just getting this, that it's not really a relationship but more like a situationship. Let me tell you some hints about this person; they have strong water placements and one of their hobbies is artistic. You're going to take a lot of time thinking and considering whether you should leave or not (this could involve some travelling/moving to another country as well.) It seems like you will be confuse what to decide. But since we have the Page of Wands as the last card, this strongly tells me you're going to choose to leave this relationship/situation behind even if it breaks your heart. But you have to do it for what's good for you and this person. And indeed it is, I mean, come on, your future spouse is on their way to you after this!

signs, confirmations, messages; ships, ocean, living near some large body of water (like a lake, river, beach, etc), 222, 47, april, grow and evolve, secret garden by frances hodgson burnett.

Thank you for allowing me to read for you ♡ I'm sending much love and light your way and to your loved ones! — Ivy Feel free to send me a feedback and check out my masterlist for more!

PILE FOUR / francesca by hozier

Hey there! If you've chose pile four, well, lemme say I totally relate to your reading HAHAH- nevertheless, I hope you're staying hopeful for the future! ♡

So let me clarify some things first, if you're somehow being held back by authoritative figures or more like, parents, then this is your pile. If you don't resonate with this, you can choose another pile. So! Oh, man. I'm feeling very tired and drained after tapping into your energy. You will be feeling this way before meeting your FS. So first, you're going to begin a new. chapter in your life. After feeling caged up or something, you're finally going to decide to take matters into your own hands and do the things in order for you to live your desired life. You're definitely going to do this, I have no doubt that you're going to manifest your desired life. You're also going to be working a lot on yourself, improving yourself to be better, doing shadow work, self care, and all the like. However! There's one problem here. You've let your parents have power over you. That's completely understandable, I'm with you, guys, and I'm still working on my situation myself. But you have to realize that you shouldn't let them affect you anymore. You're your own person. It could be that you're afraid to disappoint them or whatever, but it could also be that your parents are pretty judgemental and you're afraid to be judged by them if you do choose to pursue your dreams and desires. This will lead you to feeling restricted and held back again. You'll start being afraid to move towards your future. However, I definitely see here that someone will be coming towards your life at this time to help you get through this. And who's this person going to be? YOUR FS. AAAACK AHSISHAKSJSHSG

signs, confirmations, messages; 111, life path 8, connect with your inner child, be gentle to yourself, your fs is going to be someone you'll have a crush on first.

Thank you for allowing me to read for you ♡ I'm sending much love and light your way and to your loved ones! — Ivy Feel free to send me a feedback and check out my masterlist for more!

PILE FIVE / being funny in a foreign language by the 1975

The people who have chosen pile five are the chosen ones. LMFAO, yeah if your life would be a story, your trope would be the chosen one. Anyways! It's nice to have you here, chosen ones.

Okay, so what I'm getting here is that you guys are going to be working very hard about something. You're putting a lot of effort into this thing, or it could be your relationships around you too. It can be literally anything. Just anything that you're going to put a lot of effort and work, to the point that you'll forget about yourself. You're somehow overworking yourselves at this time, guys. I'm also sensing there's some unhealthy attachment or obsession over this particular thing. Please, take care and look after yourselves. But then, I see here that there's going to be some sort of epiphany or an aha moment right after, guys. It seems like someone's going to give you some advice, or a very harsh truth that you need to know. And it will make you pause and think about what you've been doing and all the efforts you gave to this certain thing the whole time. It's definitely going to hurt and hard to accept. But you will know that it's the truth. You're going to feel like you will lose everything. Lemme give you an example; you've taken a liking to someone and you'd really want to be with them, but then you put all your efforts to become the person you're not just for them to like you and you're giving all your time and energy to that person only for them to tell you one day that they don't share your feelings. Been there, done that 🙋🏻‍♀ But that's okay, guys. Because right along the harsh truth, is a new beginning. You're going to have the courage to begin again and you're taking the lessons you've learned and become more wiser and braver than before, ready to learn more about life. After that phase, you're going to meet your person <3

I haven't got any signs/confirmations for you, pile five!

Thank you for allowing me to read for you ♡ I'm sending much love and light your way and to your loved ones! — Ivy Feel free to send me a feedback and check out my masterlist for more!

[schtrawberry]

personal astrology observations

[!] this is mostly an introspective view into my chart; in no way, shape, or form am i saying that any of this is fact or set in stone, nor am i saying that i am a professional astrologer. these are just presences that exist within my chart that i've felt manifest themselves in real life. simply put, take what resonates and leave what doesn't :)

— sun in hard aspect to neptune can indicate having an (extremely) clouded view of oneself to the point of there being a huge gap in the way they think they're presenting themselves to the world to how they're actually perceived and viewed by other people.

[i have this aspect in square and i've noticed that people perceive me as more than i truly am (more financially-abundant, skilled, smarter than i actually am, etc.) and just make incorrect assumptions about my personality and who i am, in general. i feel that this might be due to the clouded nature of neptune versus the outward nature of the sun which has led to a social manifestation of the unclearness of my inner self and the way i display myself to the world, if that makes sense.]

═ another thing, i don't think people talk enough about how strongly neptune manifests itself in this placement, even among individuals with very little neptunian energy in their charts. daydreaming and just being not fully there plays a large part in who i am, and not even in a cute dumb blonde kinda way, more in an absentminded, head-in-the-clouds kinda way.

☰ sun in the tenth house 🤝🏽 being/wanting to be on a reality tv show!

[i swear as someone w this placement, i often find myself genuinely feeling like yes, if given the chance to do love island/too hot to handle/twenty-somethings/the bachelor— i 100% would.]

☱ mercury in hard aspect to neptune can indicate having a beautiful way w words but also not being able to explain things clearly?? can also manifest itself in just literally being difficult to understand at times, either due to the volume of their voice, way of speaking, or choice of words.

☲ moon opposition mars can exhibit deep emotional turmoil and not being able to handle one's emotions in a calm manner. i find that this manifests itself in the occasional emotional outburst (whether it's more crying or anger or both probably depends on both the moon and mars sign) but yeah— turmoil.

[i have personally experienced multiple events throughout my life where i've gone through public (embarassing, ik) emotional outbursts during stressful situations. luckily, my moon is in cancer so i'm more just a ball of tears, but this has been something that i'm still struggling to control, even as a twenty-one yr old]

☴ having a heavily-aspected chiron (multiple major aspects to personal planets, asc, and mc) and feeling rejected by your family and peers. chiron is the asteroid of wounds, hence a heavy presence in one's chart can indicate multiple emotional wounds involving one's parents, the same/opposite gender, along with inner and outer turmoil.

[tw: mention of suicidal thoughts i have chiron aspecting my sun, moon, venus, mars, and mc (most of them being hard aspects), and have felt suicidal for most of my life. i've never really fit in anywhere and have always been at odds with both the masculine and feminine energies in my life. if you have this placement as well, i genuinely hope you're doing well bc this energy is hard to cope w sometimes.]

[`] film: 千禧曼波 millenium mambo (2001) dir. hou hsiao hsien

next

[unidentifiedfroggy]

my thoughts are not articulate at the moment but there's something beautiful and fascinating to me in the way nona explores the idea of selfhood and our relationship to our bodies that really resonated with me as a nonbinary person. nona's presentation and self conceptualisation being so horribly different both from harrow and from alecto (who is in turn the eve to john's adam). the tragedy of palamedes and camilla, and their perfect kind of love. everything about pyrrha dve. ianthe in babs. the lyctor princes. kiriona stuck in her depersonalised, dead body. the transhumanism of it all. john annihilating the world in nuclear fire and rebuilding the human form from the ashes. my thoughts here are incoherent but this theme just. resonated incredibly strongly with me and i wanted to ramble about it.

[marrowcrunch]

What are your top 3 favorite vtm clans (or bloodlines)?

Bonus: which clan do you think you'd fit in with? :3c

Oh boy, this is going to be long lol

Favorite: Tzimisce 

Gosh, what a surprise :O

But yeah. I mean, firstly, the cool factor is undeniable. It's always such a joy designing Tzimisce characters because even toeing the strictest borderlines of canon they're allowed to get real weird with it in a way that most other clans aren't. I don't mean this as hate at all so I hope it doesn't come across like that, all clans are beautiful <3 but if you're playing Ventrue, Brujah, Tremere etc to some degree you'll always just be playing as Some Guy. With a Tzim it’s like…Do you want some sick-ass bone blades on your arms? No problem! Another pair of arms to put more bone blades on? Sounds good! Do you want to be bioluminescent like a squid? Great! Go crazy! 

Second: Full disclosure, I am the “My fursona is my TWOO SELF” flavor of furry. And the idea of having near total freedom of form— to be able to give myself a tail, claws, fangs, horns, [long censor beep], whatever I want, to abandon my human shape, fills me with Yearning. 

In the complete opposite direction, I also find personal meaning in the clan as someone who suffers from chronic pain. Shamelessly copy-pasting a reply to another post: 

The flavoring of Vicissitude as a creeping infection, as the actual body of the Eldest spread from generation to generation, able to rise up and consume its bearers at any moment, resonates with me very deeply as someone whose pain is caused by congenital tissue defects and which will inevitably get worse over time.

The idea that…there’s something horrible lurking inside your body. It can’t be cured. It can’t be removed. It is part of the very fabric of your being. And it is going to eat you alive, it is going to eat and eat until there’s nothing left. That no matter how you struggle, eventually it’s going to win. But you struggle anyways, because what the hell else is there to do?

The clan also has its revenant families, who are all collectively my most Specialist Little Guy in the world. I am a huge sucker for ye old trope of Special Family Bloodline Technique, and they scratch that itch for me in a really fun and interesting way. 

Second favorite: Giovanni. I actually don't have any deep reasons for this one, I just think that “fucked up necromancer vampire crime family” is such a fun concept lol. I like organized crime stories. It's also another one for the “bloodline technique” category— in v20, they even have their own associated revenant family, the Rossellinis! 

Third favorite: Salubri. The vibe I get is that they’re deeply underappreciated because people feel like their designation in both fluff and crunch as “the nice ones” means that they’re boring and clash with Masquerade’s overall tone. But I STRONGLY disagree— I think that's exactly what gives them so much potential for the sort of personal, existential horror that is supposed to be at the heart of Masquerade. I actually want to write a much longer post sometime that really gets into why, but part of it is this— being a magical pacifist unicorn prancing in a sunny flower field isn't “horrifying,” but being a magical pacifist unicorn in a dark forest where the only other animals are wolves that want to eat your face sure is. I also think the contrast between mainline (healer) Salubri and Salubri antitribu is a really rich thematic vein— again, I want to write more on this later. 

Bloodline lightning round:

Ahrimanes: Cat-themed woman power. I like the concept of Gangrel in tune with the spiritual elements of nature. Spirits in World of Darkness are fun because they can be anything. 

Ventrue antitribu: Knights in modern settings are cool.

However, if the question was “Which clan are you most like?” instead of “What's your favorite”, the answer is far and away Toreador. I love making art, and while I mostly just write now because my body has kind of fallen apart, I used to dabble in a bunch of different mediums and loved them all. That and I already do the “oh that flower/painting/ random pattern of light on the wall is really pretty *zones out and stares at it*” thing in real life lol so that would just be business as usual. If I couldn't be a Meat Criminal this is actually the clan I'd choose to be embraced into. 

Thanks for giving me a chance to talk :)

[inevitably-johnlocked]

I've seen a couple of posts from you and some other people that John might be homoromantic bi.

Is it because he's only went out with women in canon for sex and that he's had romantic feelings for Sherlock (and possibly Sholto in the past)?

I'm curious.

(He doesn't seem to be in love with Mary that much either.)

Hey Nonny!

Ah, it's a popular interpretation because of that, exactly. I personally read him that way, because, in BBCS at least, he fails spectacularly at forming any believable relationships with women (and don't get me started on Mary, LOL. I'm sorry, but I STRONGLY believe she trapped him with a fake baby – I think John only went with the marriage because he was pissed off at Sherlock for lying to him) but seems to form REALLY strong attachments to men in authoritative (in his eyes) positions. And yes I also mean Lestrade here too. You cannot tell me that John did put out his feelers for Lestrade when they first met, LOL. BUT John fell RIDICULOUSLY hard for Sherlock, and through context clues and the mirroring of Sholto-to-Sherlock, that John didn't fall hard for Sholto too. There's clues in the episode that their falling out happened after Sholto's accident.

I mean... John GRIEVED for Sherlock like a widower. He was "just getting over" Sherlock when he met Mary (who I think was a plant to get Sherlock to come back, by the way). That was THREE YEARS. John "grieved" for Mary for like... a couple months maybe?? Yeah, he didn't give two flying figs about her, sorry. EVEN IN CANON, Mary is RARELY mentioned and is speculated to have been a beard to keep ACD from suffering the same fate as his friend Wilde [THIS LINK ALSO].

This is a topic I love talking about because sexuality is so interesting to me, given my constant re-discovering of my own self. AND because the characters in the show grew up in the same period I did (early 80's and 90's, so Cusp Gen-Xers/Millennials), it makes SO much sense to me that a lot of John's anger and trust issues come from internalized homophobia and misogyny, and he really didn't open up until he became close to men in his life that he respected and admired and treated him with the in-kind respect and kindness. And I just really relate to them so much... it's probably why this show resonated with me so hard and absolutely why my scary journey of Sudden Realization™ happened hahah.

I genuinely believe that John wants to form a fulfilling relationship, but for him, his internal struggle is that he just CANNOT love women no matter how hard he tries – this is a lot of why people joke that John's a horn-dog... he doesn't care who gets his dick wet, just that he gets it. But at the end of the day, I think his internalized issues keep him from accepting that he LOVES Sherlock fiercely, and it's WHY he struggled so hard with Sherlock's death. I mean, after a certain point he gave up dating because Sherlock GAVE him everything he truly wanted. The women in his life were just to get the sex he wasn't getting from Sherlock, LOL. There's also a REALLY old speculation within the fandom that the trip to New Zealand that John took with Sarah went bad because he called out Sherlock's name during sex... soooo yeah.

Anyway, check out these meta from people who are on the Bi spectrum that can dissect John better than me. I recommend the MOST this thread about Harry and John possibly being twins, and how that is relevant to her being a mirror for John in BBCS. People have commented on it with anecdotes from other bi people about their experience with biphobia in the queer community and in the 80s and 90s, and how in this day and age people seem to forget that any smattering of being gay was met with disdain.

Meta Links to Prove John’s Bisexuality

Meta Links to Sexuality posts for the characters

Closeted John: Growing Up in a Homophobic 80’s/90’s (Not Mine)

is it any wonder John is closeted (Not Mine)

The Way John Looks at Sholto (John’s Bisexuality)

John’s Past and his Bisexuality

So Why Is John Gay when He Says He’s Not? (Irene Clap-Back)

Where Does “Three Continents” Thing Come From?

John’s Attracted but In Denial?

Did Sherlock Know John was Bi?

John Could’ve Been A Real Representation of Bi People

John’s Cheating

AND let's also not forget John's a military man, and while I'm not 100 on how the British military functions, I feel like they also had a "don't ask, don't tell" policy like the American and Canadian militaries did pre-2000's. So. Yeah. AND with the assumption John's parents were homophobic with context clues via Harry and the lack of his entire family from his wedding, a lot of Bi people in the 80's and 90's just "chose to be straight" to avoid being eviscerated. It's a horrific reality that still exists today, sadly.

I love my little bi-disaster John, and you can pry that headcanon from my cold, dead body, LOL.

[loyalhorror]

🍊🍉🫐🍒🍍🍅

🍊- what sort of language do you use when referring to yourself/your system? What’s your reasoning?

i alternate between considering myself "a person with DID", "a system of dissociated parts," and just like... "i have a DID system", idk. i generally use fairly medical terminology because a) it resonates more with me and b) i don't really like the anti-psychiatry stuff in wider DID circles even if i understand and agree with some aspects of it.

for alters, i kind of default to saying 'parts' and i think that's because i'm still kind of self-conscious about calling them alters because of the misinformation around DID? idk.

i also use 'multiple' rather than 'plural' for myself!

🍉- what are your collective interests?

we all vibe pretty hard with just like, character creation and roleplay/writing i think! also like, poetry/words/storytelling. there's something about narrative and the telling of stories that fucks with all of us real good.

🍇- do you have a big sweet tooth? Who’s the worst of the bunch?

hmm not really, i don't think? i (bard) am usually the one who eats/deals with all that shit anyway so i guess it would be me!

🍍- what’s one thing an alter/part loves, that another one hates?

max is one of the only alters that can really front strongly enough for his influence to override my own and that fucker loves black coffee, the freak. if i remember right, HAL also likes chamomile tea, which i HATE.

🍅- ..what’s your controversial opinion? (warning for sys.course i guess? but specifically just 'here's a misconception about disordered vs non-disordered multiplicity/plurality I see a lot', rather than any kind of 'you dont exist' bullshit)

A lot of people (I would argue most/all of them, honestly) who think they're endo.genic do, in fact, meet the criteria for DID but they think that because their alters only appeared later in life, or because their alters come from traumas that happened later in life, they don't/can't have DID.

That isn't how it works, though it's a very understandable misconception - it's kind of like... the initial trauma* happens in childhood and prevents your personality from fully integrating, but you might not necessarily have or remember having 'full alters' at that age, particularly not ones that take the form of anything you'd register as an alter as an adult.

*(which, again, can be anything - DID isn't caused by certain types of trauma, it's caused by prolonged childhood exposure to perceived danger that there's no perceived escape from, and that can be anything when you're a child)

Then as you get older, new traumas can split new alters or bring out pre-existing ones. It doesn't mean those new traumas caused your plurality - you already had a dissociative disorder to begin with, you just hadn't developed these particular symptoms of it yet. When I was a kid I still had DID, but Max (the first alter I recognised) didn't show up properly as his own entity until I was about 17-18 - until then I just thought I had weird episodes of being very detached or angry, and that my personality would 'shift' unpredictably, that my memory issues were caused by stress or ADHD or whatever else, etc etc.

Finally: I'm not saying non-DID plurality doesn't exist, because the human brain is fucking weird and I think denying someone's experience based off of "well I think it IS a childhood trauma disorder and not what you say it is" would be kind of fucking stupid (and I also don't personally think DID is the only form of plurality that exists anyway - I just think it's the only one that can be called a system of dissociated parts, you know? it's still plurality/multiplicity, just not necessarily the same as mine even if there's overlap). This is just a VERY common misconception I see a lot, where people think that their alters don't come from DID because it wasn't a childhood trauma that formed them, and it's like... No, the childhood trauma gave you the potential to form those alters in the first place. It's still--most likely--DID.

[sappho-rose]

~Ranking Every Beyblade Burst Season~

______________________________________________________________

I've done a post before on my thoughts about DB and the Burst anime's conclusion, so I think that it's time to reveal my opinions on every single season and rank them from best to worst. 

Before I do, I want to say this is based on my personal opinion and perhaps a bit of bias, so take this with a grain of salt.

Also, there wasn't a season that I genuinely hated or disliked strongly. I love Burst, and I got enjoyment from every single season. There were some that were more frustrating than others (*cough cough*) but I could easily rewatch scenes and episodes from every single one.

(Also, don't take the numbers super seriously. Some seasons feel like they're ranked really low despite me liking the season a lot, and that's purely because I'm putting each one against each other. Please don't come at me. This is also like- really fucking long)

With that out of the way, let's get straight in it!

Edit: It was really late at night when I wrote this, so there might be a lot of spelling mistakes and grammer mistakes. Please- I’ll deal with them in the morning and make this look prettier I’m just- I’m tired. 

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1. Beyblade Burst Cho Z/Turbo

Starting this one strong, boys. 

Alright, so I know that for many people, this wasn’t their...particularly favorite season. It was a staggering change going from Valt and his MC journey to Aiger/Aiga’s. Both stories had a lot of differences, so much so that it was difficult to really compare to the two, they were so different.

Perhaps this holds a bit of bias since this was the first season I watched weekly on Disney XD as it was coming out, but Turbo/Chouzetsu was- really fucking good. 

Aiga’s journey was really interesting and different from Valt’s, as we shifted away from a underdog, journey to the top, kind of story, to a more person vs self conflict and the other aspects that are involved when it comes to blading. There was a lot of emphasis placed on the relationship between the blader and bey, which in my opinion, was a REALLY good option because it expanded the idea a lot more from the foundation that was laid out in the first two seasons.

Going from Valt, who seemingly was a natural at communicating with his bey and forming a bond with Valkyrie, to Aiga, who struggled a lot with it and his resonance, so much so that he got corrupted, to then working extremely hard to gain the trust and relationship with Achilles once again, really showed how the two stories contrasted each other. 

Yes, Aiga did become the world champion halfway through the series, but that was necessary to show that where Aiga’s struggles lie isn’t in getting stronger, he was blessed with that talent from the get-go, he was a prodigy, but rather his relationship with that obsessive drive and how that affects his relationships. 

It led him down a dark and corrupted path, where he was forced to confront himself and rethink the ENTIRE way he approached blading in order to get back up again, it was REALLY FUCKING INTERESTING. Underdog stories worked well for the first two seasons of the series, but I’m glad that they didn’t follow the same formula.

It was different, it was made to contrast Valt and provide a different kind of character as an MC. Going from an arrogant self-obsessed kid that thought highly of himself to someone that had matured and grown and learned from his mistakes and failures, from someone that everyone fucking HATED, to a more likeable character, proves how well his character development was written. 

To be honest, I could go on and on about Aiga because in terms of writing, he was definitely my favorite, but I’ll talk a little bit about the other aspects of the show that made it so good. 

Phi’s character and his villain arc was really really well executed, with the entire buildup, to his relationship with Aiga that gave the kid literal TRAUMA, to the structure of his arc, from being a recurring character that only gave bad vibes to someone that was an actual threat, to the way that the story was written to executed that so well??? His character may not have as much depth as some other antagonists in the series, but by far is it the most well executed out of all of them. The final battle between Phi and Aiga? The way that the entire show built up to it and the fucking quality of the episode? The way that they showcase the relationship between Aiga and Phi and gave us a real reason to despise the former? Absolutely Phenomenal.

The way that they tied things from the previous season onto this one and brought up old plot lines, still allowing development for previous characters despite the fact that their respective seasons were over was really well done and many of the characters were interesting in their own right, despite being sidelined later on.

I’ve rambled on too much, wow. Anyways, long story short, very good season and would recommend

________________________________________________________________

2. Beyblade Burst God/Evolution

While the first one was a bit of a hot take considering that many absolutely hated Turbo/Cho Z, this one wasn’t too much of a surprise.

Evolution is a fan-favorite by many in the fandom, and it isn’t too hard to see why. It is arguably the most well-written season in the show and does an excellent job of taking some of the best elements from the first season and improving on it tenfold.

It did an absolutely amazing job in taking every character and making them interesting with arcs and ultimately making them feel real, something that the first two seasons absolutely excelled at. We got to see the story of every character, both from the first season and from this new one, giving each one depth and a personality despite perhaps not having as much screen time.

The fact that they are able to intertwine so many storylines in this season was incredible to watch, and the world-building gave us a glance on what was happening outside of the main storyline. There were different teams all competing and wanting to get into the world league, glimpses into how each of these teams functioned and how that may contrast the way that BC Sol ran. It gave us deep and complex issues in most episodes that somehow made it involve every single character. That’s. Good. Writing. 

The conflict with Red Eye and the way that they expanded on Shu’s initial arc from the first season in a way that made it feel natural truly puts this show so ahead from many others in the series. It was already clear from the beginning of his story that he was willing to do anything to get stronger, even injuring himself in the process. Not only that, but his bond with Valt a major driving factor throughout the initial season, so it only made sense that in this next stage of his arc, that would yet be another internal issue he would have to face, with his drive to become an even stronger blader, and his wish to not disappoint his best friend. 

The Snake Pit was such an interesting concept that Beyblade Burst played with, and its a shame that we don’t get to see much of it afterwards, or even fleshed out entirely at all. The way that Shu was affected by it’s grueling and self-destructive environment was a major driving force for the story’s conflict, and seeing a character we all loved go down a spiral of isolation and absolute resentment to get to his ultimate goal, losing sight of many things along the way, made it so easy for its viewers to get invested in the show. Not to mention Ashtem, who seemed to be seemingly a background obstacle to slowly take the forefront as he takes advantage of an already self-destructive character and lead him down to a darker path. The antagonist conflict in this season was just SO well done and well written in every sense of the word. 

I don’t really have much to say about Valt in the season, but what I will say is that the challenge he faced with seeing his best friend change for the worse and go down a dark path, all while being told that it seems that the old him is never going to come back and that he can’t do anything about it, was really really interesting for his character development. 

To be honest, I was never super super invested in Valt’s character arc and his journey in becoming stronger. Even though he was my favorite protagonist, that was mainly because he was likeable and he was the first, so naturally there is bias that is going to come with that. Despite that though, the entire arc being an underdog story would’ve been bland if it weren’t for his bonds with those around him, the way he affects others positively and how that aids him in his own growth as a blader. Spreading the message that blading is truly about having fun. 

It’s an extremely well done season, and while not my favorite purely out of bias, it is still up here, at number 2.

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3. Beyblade Burst (2016)

Ah yes, the season that started it all. It honestly feels like a crime to put this season so low on the list, but sadly that’s how the dice rolls. This one is probably going to be a bit shorter because it’s been a while since I last watched this season, but I write what I remember.

One of the things that Burst absolutely excelled at when it aired its first 52 episodes was its character writing. I kid you not, every single one of these characters that show up in the first season have a level of depth and realness to them that I don’t think any of the other seasons could replicate. There was a reason why so many of the characters that showed up in this first season are remembered so fondly by many fans, begging for a comeback. 

Of course we have the original cast, the Beyclub, who all had great chemistry with each other and the writers did really well implementing them in the story. It isn’t just a half-assed attempt that making a character relevant, they gave these characters a REASON to stick around and a reason to leave the cast. Each one had a unique story. Take Daina/Daigo for example, who had a little brother that was stuck in the hospital and admires him more than anyone, enough to make Daina wish to get better just for his sake. His entire story about cheating and being desperate enough to go for a last ditch effort, and his struggle with that afterwards, made his a character that the audience could really root for and get emotionally invested it. We had Kensuke/Ken, who was a ventriloquist, a shy and soft-spoken individual who grew to be more confident in himself and express himself more, even using his real voice more often than relying on his puppets. He was unique and different from many other characters, but that is what made him so interesting, especially with the obstacle of moving to another school again, away from Valt and the Beyclub. 

These are two characters from the initial main cast that aren’t given the main spotlight later in the series apart from a few episode cameos in the 2nd season. And yet they were still so interesting. Shu’s challenge with his injured shoulder and fear of disappointing Valt and not being strong enough was a perfect foundation to set for the next season, where these struggles would drive him to become the next main villain of the story. 

We had Lui, who wasn’t even a villain of any kind, he was just a main rival of the series who still got development and depth, showing that he wasn’t just an aggressive blader, but rather someone that genuinely cares about the sport deeply. 

Valt’s journey started in this season, and while there are many times where Valt wins out of pure luck, or just the sheer strength of his bey, it was needed to show that he still had a long way to go, tying in with the next season where he would be going to the international stage as part of a team in another country. 

The fact that he lost to Lui in the final episode of the season encapsulated this perfectly, and while some may be confused as to why they made the protagonist look to the antagonist in the final episode, it was NECCESSARY to show the state of Valt’s journey. 

Shu’s defeat against Lui and the destruction of his bey, Spryzen, was also another way that they built up the arc that Shu would soon go through in the next season, as an extra factor for why he had to get stronger. 

There are so many other things in this season that made it so good, like the Spin Emperors/ Supreme 4, the realistic tone to the series as they focus on more grounded issues that the audience can perhaps relate to, to the other background characters that could make an appearance for just a few episodes only to be loved by many and remembered years later, and just all in all, an extremely strong start to the series.

The only things I have to say negatively about this season is its issue with making Valt win despite the fact that he had no logical reason to other than plot, and the fact that the plot and story may seem a bit more bland compared to the later seasons in the anime. However, these are minor things that didn’t really contribute to the overall enjoyment of the season, at least for me.

~ It is no surprise that the first three seasons are some of the strongest in the Burst anime, mainly because these are seasons that had more than enough time to fully flesh out and develop their characters, along with their storylines and plot points. So do keep in mind that I don’t particularly dislike these next three seasons to much capacity. Most of the issues that I have with the later half of the series is the fact that they didn’t have enough time to develop its characters or storyline as much as the initial three did. With that said, let’s get into the bottom three. ~

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4. Beyblade Burst Gachi/Rise

God, I really want to put this one higher, but I just can’t due to the issues that this season had with its pacing and structure as a result of the new time format. However, I do believe that if it had chance to have a full length 52 episode season, then this would have been able to shine a lot more.

First off, I just love Drum/Dante. While he goes back to the a similar kind of hyper and loud character that Valt was, it is still very clear that he is a very different protagonist. He isn’t so much of a newbie, having been a blader of BC Sol, and his relationship with the other characters in the show is in my opinion, what makes him so likeable. Especially with his relationships with people like Delta and Gwyn, where in that regard, he is similar to Valt as having a positive effect on those around him. His main theme is friendship, and that is shown clearly throughout the season.

On top of that, we also have Amane/Arman, who out of all of the best friend characters and an honorary Kiyama, is probably my favorite. Don’t get me wrong, Rantaro was fun to watch and Ranjiro’s bond with Aiga was sweet, but out of all of these characters that fell under the best friend archetype, Amane was the first one I saw that actually constantly pushed himself to grow and become stronger, and not just stand in the sidelines to cheer Drum on. That was a trap that the other character fell into, where they essentially just became the punching bag to prove how strong the other characters are, not only that but they also seemingly have little reaction to it and are just there to cheer on the protagonist. But Amane consistently pushes himself as someone that sees their friend grows stronger, and wants to catch up and grow even more, constantly comparing himself to the other. They address this and handle it well, by making him battle Arthur two times, beating him in the third to the last episode, AND making him reach hyperflux. Drum wasn’t the only one who was allowed to grow, other characters were allowed to shine and have their moments of growth. 

One more thing that I think that Gachi did extremely well were its antagonists, or villains, more specifically one in particular. While Arthur was interesting in his debut, he quickly became less threatening and more of a nuisance to deal with, as he kept on losing to both Delta and Drum, later Amane. But while Arthur was frankly one-dimensional in his writing, the antagonist that truly shined this season was Gwynn.

I’m not kidding when I say that Gwynn’s introduction to the series was the only thing that made me truly invested in this season, because of how brilliantly they written him and executed his psychological breakdown over the course of 22 episodes, 11 in dub. The way that they introduce him as being a mathematical genius with a concrete, rigid view of the world and as a result, Beyblade when he picked up the sport, only to have that challenged by out protagonist and to see him STRUGGLE? The mental hoops that this boy goes through to desperately preserve his way of thinking, and the way that they show how much FEAR this kid has at suddenly changing absolutely everything he once knew as right? To go from believing that he knew everything and could calculate everything and that everything was as simple as that to being challenged in such as way that he is being confronted with something he has never experienced before. His relationship with Dante, more specifically his feelings for Dante are some of the best character writing I have seen in this entire show, not to mention the best executed. They constantly show the inner scopes of his mind and his thinking and denial about everything that is going on is brilliant to see. The amazing thing about his character was that it was someone that for the first time, felt a connection, a bond with another person, but they are so stuck in their own ways, whether it was out of fear of the unknown, or just pure denial that they were wrong, that they actively push that person away while also seeking to be with them at the exact same time and mental breakdown that occurs from it, and the amount of scenes that illustrate it so beautifully and fuck it’s just SO well done. I could on more, but I don’t want this to get any longer than it has to and I already have analysis on Gwyn’s character in the works, so stay tune for that.

But with some of the best parts of this season out the way, we need to talk about the issues that it also has.

There is the obvious, which is its structure and pacing. The first half of the show was not very interesting and frankly quite boring. At this point in the series, we aren’t given anything to really get invested in the series, no end goal or conflict that really tie everything together. Sure, we had Delta, but that conflict was ehh.. I’ll get to it in a moment. But the structure I must say was really not working out for this new format. It was clear that they were trying to apply a similar formula that the first three seasons had onto this new season, except due to it being half the typical length, absolutely did not work. The pacing was a complete mess, as there were several arcs that had to be cut short with no real time to be fully fleshed out in the slightest, and it seemed that we were just jumping from place to place with no real objective in mind. The arcs felt too short and the season, in the first half, just felt like it was all over the place. In the second half, they finally introduced the antagonists and that really helped with giving the later half a bit more structure, now having a concrete conflict and goal set in mind. But these aspects were introduced way too late into the season, so not only are they not given time to be legitimately developed plotlines, but they feel out of place when compared to the rest of the show. In a single episode, we go from a normal title match between Aiga and Delta, a result of the tournament that had been going on for a bit now, to suddenly having a random ass guy literally jump in and crash the party. And boom, we have our villain now. There isn’t any buildup, or time to ease into the new conflict, we are just thrown into it and expected to just go along with it. It feels unorganized.

The other problem I have with this season is honestly the way that they handled Delta. To be frank, I really didn’t like this character. I felt like they were trying to do something similar with how they did with Shu and Aiga, but just worse. Thinking about it in hindsight, and going back and rewatching a few of those scenes and episodes with Delta and Diabolos, it actually seemed that they had an interesting concept going for them, except the format of the show completely ruined it. It was clear that Delta’s relationship with his bey wasn’t healthy, since his bey demanded more out of its blader than the other way around. There is more to his character than just that of course, but these other aspects weren’t explored very well as there was little time to really develop it. A few episodes here and there and perhaps a few reactions scenes isn’t going to cut it for what they are trying to do in the season, and perhaps that it was they realized halfway through, realizing fuck- we need to fix this. That leads into the kind of Delta’s redemption for the WBBA vs Hell arc, but that redemption doesn’t feel as natural as it should because it just didn’t have enough time to be developed. Do you see the issue here? All of the issues that this season seemingly had was issues with time, and not being able to adapt to the new format of the show, or perhaps being forced into it too quickly, that they didn’t have time to adapt. 

One final thing about this season is that I know that many fans took issue with them not including old characters in his season, like they did with the previous season. Many were upset that beys like Fafnir and Longinus were being owned by people that weren’t the fan favorite, Free and Lui. As for my opinion on it, I honestly do not care. I always viewed Gachi as more of a self-contained story, one that worked on its own and helped in seemingly expanding the world of Beyblade, not continuing the already developed stories that went before it. Of course, we had Aiga, whose development very much showed in this season as an improvement from the previous, but that is really the only one I can think of. 

I, for one, didn’t mind that we had a mainly new cast and that Free and Lui were replaced because I did like this new cast (Fumiya and Ichika has a very interesting story and dynamic and Lodin was a cool guy, despite only appearing during the Bey Carnival arc) and I perhaps wasn’t as attached to Free and Lui as many other fans were. That isn’t to say that their opinions and views on the show aren’t valid, it’s just a matter of tastes and biases. 

In the end, while this season had a heck of a lot of potential and truly did shine in some areas (*cough cough* Gwyn *cough), it ultimately suffered from the new format and time constraint of the show, making it 4th on this list.

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5. Beyblade Burst Sparking/Surge

Sparking was a tricky one to place, simply because out of all of the seasons in the Burst anime, it is one of my favorites to rewatch. And that’s just because of one of the biggest things that made this season unique, which is the interactions and return of many fan favorite characters. Despite not having as many returning characters as let’s say Cho Z, the entire aspect of older bladers now being called Legends is what marketed the show. Watching your favorites return yet again is the peak of fan service in Beyblade, so why is it so low on the list? Well, there are a couple of reasons why.

The first one is the lack of proper character to character interaction and the lack of proper worldbuilding. Something that the earlier seasons did so well, for some reason were completely lacking in this show. 

It felt like each of the characters couldn’t interact or talk about anything else other than what was going on with the either the tournament or Lane, or the brothers. And if it did, it was a very vague and general statement, a copy and paste sentence that could easily be said by any other character. There weren’t many interactions in this season that made the characters feel real, or real beyond the realm of the current plot. It always had to tie back to either Lane or the Asahi brothers, they couldn’t just talk for the sake of it. They all had interesting character arcs and storylines within their respective seasons, and yet none of it seemed to be brought up or made relevant to the character in this season. At best it may be a throwaway line, or something that gets brought up, much never touched upon again. While there were some gem interactions (looking at you, Drum and Lui), others just fell flat and it made these incredibly well-written and fleshed out characters feel, well...one-dimensional. 

There was also the issue of each of the Legends losing too easily to the new characters, which I feel like is just another instance of the time format affecting the quality of the season. They didn’t have enough time to build up these battles and make every single Legend a threat when there are just so many to get through in a tournament. 

Another weak point of the season was the main antagonist, Lane. Perhaps this is just personal bias, but he wasn’t my favorite villain in the slightest. It felt like he was being too edgy for the sake of being edgy, and no real personality traits that made him relevant to the plot beyond just his Flare, which was poorly explained in the first place. He didn’t feel like a real natural character, and each of his interactions were tinted with the feeling that he is just there to cause conflict, to be the obstacle that has to be overcome by the protagonists. I will admit that I found the entire mentorship between Shu and Lane very interesting to watch, as we actually get to see Shu get developed even further based on what happened in the second season. I honestly wish that this kind of storytelling and writing was presented in the other characters as well, to make them feel like extensions of their characters in their respective seasons. Going back to Lane, it also really felt like they were trying to do something similar to Gwynn here, where Lane is faced with a feeling and circumstance that is different from what he expected, however I feel like it isn’t executed nearly as well as it was in Gachi. 

In GT, not only did we get frequent glimpses into Gwyn’s mind and his thinking, so we are truly coming to understanding little by little why he is breaking down so much over this, but we also get a chance to see Gwyn before he is put in the antagonistic role. We are able to get a good feel for his personality, understanding that there is more to this character than this mess we are seeing. However, for Lane, this isn’t presented nearly as well, and it is especially harder for the audience to truly connect to him as well. 

We can’t get invested when we can’t follow the character and his thinking because we don’t know. It is yet another case of the show trying to make you care about a character without giving any real reason to make you care about them. Not to mention the amount of plot armor that Lane has, where we barely see him train at all, or struggle in the slightest, and he beats these Legends like it was nothing. And there is little explanation for it beyond just his Flare, which wasn’t even a sound reason that the audience can understand because they don’t even know what the fuck it really is, or why it’s important. 

Even with all of the flaws that this season had, there was one aspect that I believe this season absolutely excelled at. And that was the understanding and adaption of the new time format, creating arcs that better suited the shorter seasonal run time. Instead of trying to force in many small little arcs that have little connection with each other, they instead dividing up the season into two main arcs. The Legend Festival and the Ultimate Tag Series, having a major element to tie them all together, being the main antagonist, Lane. This was really smart, because now episodes no longer feel like they are going nowhere, but rather it is all heading up the main goal of eventually getting the level of Legends, along with the conflict of Lane being presented so early on that they have time for the audience to get to know him and this conflict. They didn’t run into the issue of having one-off characters only to never appear again, but rather all of the characters are presented from the beginning and remain relevant throughout the entire season. The fact that the entire season mainly consists of tournaments is also a smart way for them to get used to the new format of the show as it has a clear structure to follow, making it harder for the viewer to feel lost while watching. The tag teams were also a smart play, as we get to the see the new dynamics and developed bonds of these older bladers, seeing how they have grown and matured over the years.

We then move onto the topic of the protagonists, who are brothers have to learn to work together. I felt that it was actually a smart move to have dual protagonists in this new season. It kept things fresh, even if the interactions between literally every other character failed, then at least we can count on these two. Both Hyuga and Hikaru work really well together and seem to balance off of each other nicely. While Hikaru is more about strategizing and thinking logically about the battle, Hyuga is much more impulsive, and tends to want to do things on a whim. He may not think much about what happened in the battle other than the fast intensity of it. Hikaru is about defense, and using his head in battle, while Hyuga tends to attack a lot, caring more about the raw strength rather than actually coming up with a definitive strategy. The two balance each other, and it’s fun to see their banter along with their teamwork while they are blading.

Finally, there are the battles. If you’ve noticed, I haven’t spoken about the quality of the bey battles up to this point, and that is simply because I don’t care much for it. It’s not like Yu-Gi-Oh, where I’m pushing through every episode that has a master duel in them. Beybattles are fun to watch, but they aren’t really what I watch the series for. I watch it for the characters and story writing that goes into it, along with the occasional banger soundtrack that plays during the intense moments. But Sparking was one of the only seasons to legitimately get me enticed by every battle, but every battle seemed to interesting and fun to watch. Perhaps it’s because they all tag battles, but it felt like very beybattle hit the mark, both with the actual bey action in the stadium, but also with the fact that since they are all tag battles, each other gets us a glimpse into the dynamics and relationships that these Legends have with each other, both with their opponent and their partner. It was interesting, and never once did I feel the need to roll my eyes as the sight of another beybattle starting.

 All in all, while I believe that this season definitely suffered a bit from the time format, it had many other flaws and issues that made it, in my opinion, a weaker season than GT, despite being able to adapt the 11-minute episodes to it’s advantage.

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6. Beyblade Burst Dynamite Battle/Quaddrive

Alright, alright, we’ve made it to the bottom of the list. 

First things first, I don’t actually think that DB is objectively the worst season, in terms of writing. I don’t think that it’s an extremely disappointing season either, but rather a mediocre one to end off the Burst anime. Lots of the criticisms that I have about this season probably has to do with personal bias here.

This was really the first season to make me yell at my computer, which is quite funny to think about in hindsight. Many things in this season were frustrating, so we’ll break them down one by one.

First let’s start with Bel. Now, you can tell from not only the character design, but also the first couple of episodes that they are trying to go in a different direction with this character. The story isn’t about a rookie blader, or someone that started off as weak and untrained. No, Bel already proved in the first two episodes that he was extremely powerful from the start. He already had strength since the beginning, whether that was because of endless hours of training and experience or perhaps he was just a prodigy. At first, it seemed like an interesting route. They could go in many different directions with this kind of set-up, and decide to focus on different things for Bel’s character arc. It seemed that at the start, he was an arrogant, spoiled, bratty kid, very similar to how Aiga was beginning of his season. Perhaps we could end off this season with some very satisfying character development, right?

However, it seemed that this show had different plans. This was one of the things that frustrated me the most in the season, was the absolute selfishness of the main character, and how he never truly gets punished for it. To share what I mean, I present an example. In the Legend World Tour, they hold a little minigame to see who gets to battle against Free in El Astro. Rashad ends up winning, to which Bel demands that the ruling be changed or to give him another change so that he can battle against Free. Wakiya denies and tells him he must respect the results, that Rashad will battle against Free because he has earned it. 

Of course, Bel is still super salty, which is to be expected because he is meant to be a spoiled bratty child. However, instead of just sitting on the plane and respecting the rules, he goes out and goes to battle against Free. That is something he is completely banned from doing at any point in the World Tour, and yet he still completely disobeys the rules for his own free gain. Wakiya, Valt, and Rashad find out and instead of actually going and stopping this battle, or putting a real stop to it, they instead watch is live back on the plane. That, on its own, is enough to justify not liking Bel as an MC, but to make matters worse, Bel actually ends up WINNING against Free. 

Of course, Wakiya is fucking pissed and you can see that Rashad is upset too. Valt just brushes it off, and instead of seeing it for what it is, a complete and utter lack of thoughtfulness for someone else you may be affecting with your selfish actions, he just sees it as Bel being Bel. 

Then when Rashad gets rightfully pissed and says that he won’t battle against Free anymore, because what’s the fucking point if the Legend you’re trying to beat already lost to someone you know? Of course, this gets brushed off, and when Rashad tells Bel he must follow the rules, he just completely disregards it. 

Then you expected me to empathize for this character when his bey gets destroyed when he just been an absolute dick to Rashad and acting extremely selfishly the entire arc?

And the worst part is that he stays this way for the entire first half of the series, hell perhaps a little more than that, without absolutely no punishment in sight. He gets off, completely free, for being self-centered and arrogant the entire time. Even the way they tried to make him grow and be better wasn’t enough because by the end of it, it just wasn’t enough to make him a likeable character. It’s annoying and frustrating to watch.

Next is one of the biggest issues of the show, which is its structure, and oh boy. It’s bad. I thought that perhaps they were onto something when Sparking came out, that maybe they figured out this formula, but nope. It ran into the exact same issues that the first half of GT struggled with, only this time is worse because that was literally the entire show. How do we go from a world tour to a team battle to a three-way battle, and expect that to make sense? While I was watching it, I was struggling a lot in getting invested in the fucking show, or feeling any real tension for the finale, because there was no tension. There was no buildup. It was so poorly structured that it made its climax seem like another ordinary battle. They jump from small arc to small arc with little end goal in sight. The worst offender was probably the Phenomeno Payne arc, where a character is introduced just to market the new Pheonix bey and make Rashad look like more of a bad guy. And then he just left! 7 episodes, that was literally how long his arc was, 4 normal length episodes. he wasn’t even relevant in the end. 

There were some good things about DB. We got to see then actual revisit the friendship between Valt and Shu, which was really nice considering that this is the final season. The Burst anime started with Shu and Valt, and it ended with the two still as close as ever. They also actually gave Wakiya interactions with the two, tying a bit of it back to how things were when the Beyclub was first created.

I thought that Basara was an interesting character that had potential to do well if he just had more time to develop. Ranzo was a lot of fun to watch! I especially love his dub voice. Rashad wasn’t a particularly bad character. I liked Ilya, I thought that she was cool and it was great to see a female blader have a unique bey and play a role in the story. There were some genuinely great aspects of the show, but they’re just overshadowed by the some of the worst bits, to the point where it really just ruined the show for me. 

Who knows though, I’ve only watched this season once through, and the dub is currently being released. I might rewatch it at a later point, once all of the dub episodes get released and maybe my opinion will change by then. But for now, these are my current rankings. 

If you made it this far, wow, thanks a lot :D

I love Beyblade Burst, and it holds a special place in my heart as I’ve been with the show for so long. It’s going to feel a bit bitter to see it end on such a dull note and see it soon replaced by another series, but hey, good things can’t last forever :,)

[megatraven]

what did you gain in life for loving cyprin?

everything :)

i became more comfortable with myself and the world around me. i learned more about myself through them.

i have gained a handful of incredibly wonderful friends. we don't talk all the time, but i treasure them all the same, and i'm better for having met them.

i gained love, in many forms. for a wonderful character who embodies love. for myself. for humanity. for my friends who entertain my ramblings about them. for the writing (i follow the writer's work still and love all of it <3). for the world, that could create a character that inspires so much love from me.

because of them, i've greatly improved my art. i draw them all the time (and the other astoria characters) and am always seeking to get better, because i love to make art of them, because it brings me joy to express my ideas involving them. the same goes for my writing, too.

i've gained a newfound appreciation for deer; they always make me think of alex, which in turn makes me happy.

there was a time where me and a friend (sarah!) were just going wild bouncing ideas off of one another here on tumblr and it was so fun, i hadn't had that kind of exciting fandom engagement since earlier ML days..... i missed it. i miss it again. but i'm thankful to have had it for as long as i did.

when i hear just about any song, it brings them to mind, especially if it's about love. it sounds better. it feel it more intensely.

i don't think i've ever loved love quite so much before them.

i spend so much of my time (all of my time) thinking about them and the depths of their love and devotion and wishing that i might find something close to that someday.

how do you love someone so much that you would fight against a god for them, knowing it would kill you?

how do you love someone so much that you just want them to be happy, no matter what else happens?

they inspire me to learn to love that strongly. i am trying every day to put more love into the world.

do you see?

i've gained everything from loving them. love and friends and joy, the feeling of inspiration, the desire to create, the need to explore every potentiality, every possibility. i have felt sadness and heartache and resonated with them in a way that i haven't with any other character. i have learned to hope again, for a better world, for a better self.

everything!!!!

i have gained. everything.

[tarotmundomonde]

(Resend): Hi I choose the 5th option and my first name is Vanessa and I have a Scorpio sun, Aries Moon, and Virgo Venus. I chose this option simply bc I’m curious and have not had much going on in terms of my love life you know? A color I resonate with you is a midnight purple and blue and also a crimson red bc you give me a certain mystic vibe if that makes sense. And lastly here is a romantic gif I think intuitively resonates with you:

And one that resonates with me:

Hello Vanessa, let's dive into your reading, shall we?

Let's look at your energy in love first. There is a sense of excitement and quick reactions. Just like you can be happy now, you can easily get angry, annoyed or frustrated. So it looks like there is a moment of stillness needed and to work on cooling your emotions. To learn to choose your battles. You are resilient, but it looks like you might be carrying some baggage. Especially in the form of other people's opinions, etc. It looks like you could easily be influenced by others, but you need to find your own true desires and voice. The cards want you to know that you are blessed.

As for what/who is coming towards you in love, something fated. Heavy tensions. There is a message about how in a way love is about taking risks. The reason being that when you meet someone, no one can promise you the outcome of that love story. So it looks like someone is coming in to teach you, how to chill a bit, how to just be curious and playful, how not to take things too seriously nor too personally in love. Laughter is coming in for you. Matters of will and willpower and also themes of how to treat yourself like royalty. Lessons about self-worth. And you could meet someone you find yourself strongly attracted to but cannot quite put your finger on why.

ps. feedback is always appreciated.

[sapphixxx]

Just finished Lain. Watched the last episode twice, which gently removed my heart from my chest and pulped it into a fine paste in a mortar and pestle. This hit much closer to home than I expected.

In my Lain epistemology post I somewhat flippantly made an aside that the series was only tangentially about Lain the actual character. By which I meant that my read on the series up until that point (around episode 8 or 9) was that each episode was teasing apart different aspects of the ambiguity of truth, knowledge, information, and communication, with the events of Lain's life being almost just a sort of example case study for how these concepts can impact someone on an individual level. Lain was framed in a kind of zoomed out way as an abstract avatar moving through these events without a whole lot of expression of her personal thoughts and feelings.

And then we get to the last three episodes.

It's in this space that Lain the 8th grade age girl with thoughts and feelings and wants and needs and fears comes into painfully sharp focus. The beginning of the final episode sums up and contextualizes what all of this has always been about.

Who am I? What is the real me? How can I tell what's real about me if everyone interprets it differently?

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

The flippant bravado that I expressed in that post is the same attitude that Lain has been applying to her own very sense of self throughout the series, as just another arbitrary and moldable piece of information subject to interpretation with no inherent truth.

She effectively commits suicide by removing herself from sight, mind, and memory, of everyone around her. After all, if they have no knowledge of her, then she no longer exists. But what is lurking in the subtext of this finale is that she fails to consider that everyone she is cutting off is equally subject to this process. She imagines that without her meddling they are able to be happy. But that's all it is, imagination.

She doesn't exist to them anymore because she erased their knowledge of her, but it goes both ways. In doing this, they cease to exist to her, too. The image of the happy lives of the people she knew don't come from real observation or fact. It is something that she is imposing upon her memory or imagination of those people, which is only possible because she's removed herself from the possibility of being reminded just how complex and occasionally painful their lives will be with her or without her. In those scenes nobody misses her except in these brief fleeting moments where they remember some fond association with her, before moving on to their happy lives.

But this isn't reality. She isn't seeing these people. This is how she comforts herself, by imagining that everything is for the best without her, and nobody has to feel the pain of missing her. But that's not something she can know or control. The pain they feel upon losing her doesn't exist only because she has removed herself from where she might see it and have to acknowledge it.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

This phrase is taken to its literal extreme in the finale. But I think it's important to take a step back and really think about what this means on a more human level, especially when it comes to the kinds of struggles that everyone, especially kids that age, are dealing with.

That is to say, even if you literally physically exist and go about the world talking to people going to school eating dinner and so on, if there are parts of you that people don't know about, if there are things inside you that you can't express, you quickly come to the painful realization that to other people, that stuff just doesn't exist. Which means that whole side of you doesn't exist, according to the outside world. And if that side of you encompasses something important about your identity or your experiences, it's hard to not come to the conclusion that the real you, the entirety of your being, doesn't exist to them either. And when you try to tell them about it, or when they notice on their own, but they don't understand or perhaps outright reject it, hasn't some fundamental part of your humanity been erased? In this kind of environment it's easy to start doubting that any of it exists at all. After all, if nobody else will recognize it, you've only got your own word to go on. And that isn't always enough to trust.

And again, keep in mind that this goes both ways. I think Lain's sister is the clearest example which is given by the series. One episode she begins as a character, someone who has thoughts and a personality and so on. By the end of the episode she is reduced to the state that she will stay in for the rest of the series, blank-eyed and senseless. That fully fledged self she had still exists though. Lain just stops being able to see it, so effectively her sister stops existing for her.

Do I even exist if other people can't see me?

When you are isolated you can say anything about yourself. You can say you're nobody, or you're God, or perhaps something even wiser and greater than God. It can feel powerful to start writing your own existence and rationalizing your own isolation, the perceptions of others be damned. You can say well, my parents don't understand me and I stopped being able to connect to my sister, but who cares! Family is just arbitrary biology anyway! What if they aren't even my family at all, and are just plants put in place by a secret organization. I'm not lonely, I'm just seeking a greater truth, a conspiracy that only I can see! I don't make social mistakes, I'm not afraid of hurting anyone, that's the fake me running around out there! But it's not sustainable. Eventually life comes crashing down, whether it be in the form of interference in the material world, or if that mental state with all of its attendant self-spun narratives just finally collapses.

As with most things in this series, Lain's interactions with "God" are written in a very abstract symbolic way. But, the pattern that it follows seems very familiar to me as one of a predatory adult grooming a vulnerable minor. He alternates between gassing Lane up as the most powerful and important being who has ever lived, and then in the next breath saying that she's nothing. In peddling his conspiracy theory narrative of humankind merging with The Wired, of Lain simply being a powerful piece of software meant for Grand Purpose, he feeds into her struggle for identity and the need to be seen and understood by at once validating these feelings and how confusing they are, while reinforcing her isolation and his own dominant grip over defining the shape of the world and society.

When Arisu finds Lain living in filth and comforts her, that is one of the rare moments that the raw, vulnerable, material world Lain, weighed down with no pretenses, pokes her head out. That moment of genuine intimacy that she has been so hungry for this whole time is enough to allow her to retaliate against "God" when he shows up in anger upon being doubted. When Arisu reacts poorly to this sight, though, is when Lain makes her final dive back into her own walled off reality. For as much as she wants to be seen and held and comforted by this girl she loves, it is far more painful for her to have to witness and live with the feeling of rejection and guilt that came from Arisu's fear in the aftermath.

The final image of her father finally expressing the real tenderness she has longed for. The imagined future of Arisu dating her former teacher well into adulthood, because it's the only model of a relationship Lain has ever seen someone want, because her parents certainly don't seem happy, and she herself didn't get anything out of the boy who kissed her. The final statement, "I will always be with you". As with everything in the series, these can be interpreted many ways. But to me it reads unmistakably as the final moments before suicide.

In any case though, after all that, it seems fairly starkly clear why Lain resonates so strongly with trans people. Contrary to the old saying that all happy people are happy the same way, but all miserable people suffer uniquely, this path to despondence is depressingly common. It is the way out that is unique to everyone who finds themselves there. I hate to say it, although I feel very lucky to say that I have survived being in that place many times--which I think is proof that it is possible to get to the other side and make a good life, despite everything-- I think if it had ended any more neatly or more positively, it just wouldn't feel as honest. It captures the depth of that state of being. That's just what it's like. And as heavy as it is to sit with, I get a lot from being able to see something painfully familiar to me reflected in such a raw way. After all that, a happy ending would just feel disingenuous. I mean, that's my life, and any happy ending they could have written just isn't how it went.

[helianthus-tarot]

Pick-a-card: Signs that they are The One

What I meant by The One, is that person who you have the best chance to be in a successful healthy relationship with. You can have amazing relationships with more than one person, however the amount of effort and work might differ. I also encourage you to appreciate whoever you are with currently (or will be with) and keep your focus more on being the best partner you can be. I take all of my reading seriously (lol) but ultimately this is for entertainment.

That being said, I got several requests on The One so I decided to combine all in one reading. Also, I noticed that there are similarities between the piles, most piles have the element of change. This reading will answer:

Signs that they are The One

Their most noticeable quality

What you can do to get closer to union

...

Disclaimer: Click Here!

Instructions;

Center yourself and focus on the topic. Choose a number/picture that you feel the most drawn to, as if it is calling out to you. Try to not choose too many (less than 2). Trust your intuition & read the message under the cut.

May the message resonate. Please ignore my grammar mistakes. Feedback in any form is very much appreciated! See you in the next reading!

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PILE 1

Signs: 2 of Wands, The Fool, Judgement, 10 of Pentacles

You might meet your person after you have made a big decision; to go on a new journey, to start a new thing, or relocate. This is big change for you, not the “I’m going to Shop A instead of Shop B today”, it’s more on the same level as graduation, changing career path, relocation, starting a business, going back to school etc. If it was not you moving into a new house, you might meet them during a travel to a place a bit far from home. The key here is that- whatever action you will be taking, it will be a symbolism of you leaving the old behind and seeking a better future; or moving closer to your soul’s calling. You will meet them at that point of life when something ends and another thing begins; these things serve your soul’s purpose. Your person will come in with the change, so their appearance in your life might signify a big change, an end to your past OR how you know your life to be.  

Interactions you will have with this person will cause you to go within, reflecting back on your past actions, ending things that are toxic and harmful (be it people, habits, mentality, etc). They might also trigger a desire in you to really embrace a new life. You will feel adventurous, looking forward to what you can experience in life, willing to try new things more than ever. There will definitely be a spiritual element in your interactions, whether or not you/they are spiritual. The interaction and exchange will nourish your soul, it will also make you feel more alive (brimming with excitement, or overwhelmed with emotions). It will make you see and discover yourself. The same effect might be experienced by your person.

This person will be secure and established. Either it’s their social standing, having their own community, their job and finance, their personality, or the way they show love and care; something about it will ooze security and stability. Since it’s 10 of Pentacles, I think it has a material connotation to it, so financial stability or abundance. You will feel safe with them. They will show dependability and commitment. They will feel like someone you can build something lasting with. They will have a positive effect on your mind, you might be able to think more clearly when you are around this person. If you are the type to over-think or worry a lot, being around them will feel soothing and calming, you will feel as if you don’t have to worry much or that you are not stuck anymore, instead you will feel ready to move forward and focus on solutions. Life challenges won’t deter or worry you as much as they did before.

You guys might also have a lot of conversations on how to build more stability in life. You will be planning, brainstorming, bouncing ideas off each other. So this might also be someone who you will have a work or business project with, or they will help you with yours.

You will be born anew. Your life will be changed.

Most noticeable quality: Priest

Their noticeable quality is their strong faith in something; it could be in the universe, it could in religion, it could be in their path, their passion, their principles and code, etc. I don’t feel like it’s religion, I’m getting more of a set of beliefs or moral principles that they stand for. You’ll see this in their behaviors, in what they talk about, in their opinions. Integrity. Walk-the-talk. It might also be surprising, like you won’t expect someone like them has a set of codes they follow. Easy example, imagine someone who is well-admired choosing to not lead someone on (even when they can and have ample opportunity to do so), because they believe it’s not the right thing to do.

This also tells me about their effect on you. I think they will help you with your soul’s purpose, intentionally or unintentionally. In a good way. You will be feeling closer to your truth, so you will be more joyful, more peaceful and more connected to yourself and the universe as a result. They could also be the kind of person who lives their soul’s purpose; they might be doing or want to do things that they are passionate about.

What you can do: Wheel of Fortune, Page of Cups

Eh… you just have to wait. Lol. I feel like it will come when the time is right. Remember I mentioned about how you might meet them when something is ending and another thing is starting? That might be something that is not in your control, or it might be facilitated by an external event a.k.a external event might be the thing that will push you to make that change.

There is still something we can take from the Wheel tho; go with the flow. So when an external event happens and requires you to change, do it, don’t resist, don’t hold onto the old ways. Of course you can think and learn about what you are getting yourself into before you make any kind of decision, but there is a message to trust in the universe and flow with it. Especially when something weird or unexpected happens, something big (since you got The Fool).

You can also learn to manage your emotions, especially in regard to your emotional response toward change. Maybe take it easy, try to be curious and lighthearted about it. Try to find little things in life to be joyful about while ‘waiting’ for the Wheel to turn and bring you closer to your person. You can also learn more about love; the healthy way to love someone and yourself, what is the healthy view of love, how you want to treat someone, etc. Learn anything that can help you be a good partner, to your partner and yourself. Prepare yourself to love someone. You can also envision how you want to love your person. 

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PILE 2

Signs: Wheel of Fortune Rx, 8 of Swords, 3 of Pentacles, The Tower

This has the same element as Pile 1, as in, you might meet this person when you are going through a big or sudden change; either it will be self-imposed or it will be an external event happening in your life triggering the change. You can check Pile 1 if you are attracted to it. Either way, this has a more resistant feeling. You might be resistant to the change, or even to your person lol. This might be someone who you won’t expect to appear in your life due to whatever reason. Their appearance might shock or surprise you which might be the reason why you will be resistant toward it; it might happen quite unexpectedly. Honestly, they might also feel this way toward you.

Weirdly enough I don’t feel like 8 of Swords is their energy. I think it is or will be your energy by the time you guys meet. Either you will have been in this energy even before you meet them, or you will be in this energy when you meet them. You might over-think or doubt that it’s them. But it is. It is the person that is destined to enter your life. You might feel like it is not happening at the right time, in the right place, or in the right way; but this doesn’t mean it isn’t right. It might also be related to work, with 3 of Pentacles. So a change in career or work project that you won’t expect. Honestly, they might also show up at your workplace suddenly, or you might suddenly be sent to go somewhere (to a program, an event, or a different branch etc and meet them there).  

Someone will make a proposal (not a marriage proposal) but someone will be offering something to another person and I’m feeling like it will be work related, nothing personal. It could be a collaboration, an invitation, a help, a suggestion, a network, etc. The receiver will be a bit hesitant or unreceptive toward it because like I said before it might be sudden/unexpected, it might also be that it will look too good to be true. I’m strongly feeling like your person will be the one who makes the proposal.

When you get to know this person and they share their life story with you, you will notice that they have been through some extreme things, or some massive changes. You will also recognize them by their ability to take care of themselves; something about them that gives off this impression. So it might be their nice clothes, the fact that they keep their shoes polished, the fact that they keep their hair trimmed nicely. Something that says ‘I take care of myself’. Despite their vibe, which we will talk in the next section.

Most noticeable quality: Destroyer

Lol. This is related to the previous section, since you got The Tower. Your person is intense. Sharp. Decisive. When they walk into a room, it will feel like they are pulling the energy around them. They are someone noticeable. You wont be able to ignore them. Fiery, blunt, impatient at times. Might be intimidating as well. Might have a strong or loud clear voice. This person changes things. They have low patience toward things that don’t work anymore. Their existence, their approach, when they interact with life; it’s like life itself changes, noticeably. And not for meaningless purpose, either. They might have this effect on you, in a sense that you will have to change something in your life after coming into contact with them.

Your person might also have a lot of control over change. It could be over their own life, and for some of you, it might also extend to the external environment. They might resist control, they don’t like to be controlled or be under someone else’s power. The thing about this type of people is that- they will either take themselves out of any system and go setting up their own venture (entrepreneur, artist, musician, freelancer, etc), or they will move to a position of power within an existing structure; anything that has a hierarchy, they will move to the top. Well, the unhealthy ones will probably be troublemakers, destroying and causing shit in people’s lives. But since we are talking about The One, I doubt they are like that. Maybe they used to be a troublemaker when they were a teen, who knows.

Your person doesn’t like to be stuck, or to stay in a shitty situation. They will want to find a solution and get done with it.

What you can do: 10 of Swords, Ace of Pentacles

Something needs to end in your life. If you are holding onto something, whatever it is, this is a message for you to let it go. It could be a relationship, it could be mentality, behaviors, past pain and wounds, fear and insecurity, a stage of life. If you have negative behavior patterns or habits, change them, put an end to them. You need to do this so that you will be ready to take on opportunities coming your way, so that it will be easier for you to start again on a more stable ground, so you can expand and create more abundance in your life.

If you are not holding onto anything, then you might simply have to wait for a new thing to come in, for the sun to rise again as it will bring in an opportunity. It will be related to establishing your stability. Depending on your age, it could be an opportunity to establish a stable foundation of your life, your career, your finance. An opportunity to expand and manifest more abundance in your life. While waiting for it, heal whatever is left to heal, make peace with your shadow, develop your intuition, and be ready to receive. Whatever has been causing you pain is about to end.

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PILE 3

Signs: 9 of Wands, Page of Cups, Ace of Cups, The World

Key sign that they are The One is that they are someone who learns from their experiences. Yes, many people do but not everyone can make profound and insightful conclusions about their experiences. Your person has this ‘philosophical and wise’ vibe to them, which might not be obvious right away. You will feel a contrast/duality from this person. They might come off as lighthearted and easy-going, but when you have a private conversation with them, you will notice that they do give thought to things around them. What they say will give you something to think about, something to learn.

They could have experienced a lot of struggles in life, who knows. But by the time you guys meet, they will have come to a point where they can look back to their past and actively choose to be at peace with it, learn as much as they can and look forward to the future. Not in a fiery “I’ll burn my past and move the fuck on,” kind of way lol; but more… watery. So Pisces, Cancer, also Libra, Scorpio.. could be, but Scorpios can be intense so I wouldn’t bet on it. There is also Sagittarius/Jupiter/9th house energy to this, Sagittarius rising perhaps. Someone who is resilient in the face of ups and downs in life, because they have experienced enough to understand the flow, the interconnectivity between them and the rest of the universe. Probably also someone who has made peace with their shadow. They will be spiritual, not necessarily religious. Emotionally mature. I know with Page of Cups, maturity probably should have been the last thing to appear in the reading. But with the combination of 9 of Wands and The World, I think this Page is just a front.

You will feel emotionally nourished by this person, being with them will have this calming and peaceful effect on you. The connection will not feel hard or intensely overwhelming. It will feel like coming home. You will become softer and more open with your vulnerability with them, especially if you are the type who tends to put up walls. They will ‘make’ you want to divulge your life story and secrets, opinions and philosophy. Their eyes might look deep as if they can see through your soul. Something about their eyes. I’m really feeling water signs here, could be water rising as well with Sagittarius or 9th house placements.

By the time you meet this person you might be feeling a bit pessimistic or tired of love connections, but being around them will make you want to try again. You will have a lot of philosophical talks together, exchanging views and why you see the world in a certain way. The exchange will not be pessimistic, this person will not feel pessimistic at all. They will feel wise, there’s a difference. They might come from a place that is far away; that requires air travel. It could be someone in a different state or it could be a foreigner from a different country. For some of you, this person might be from a European country. And white, or lighter skin color. Idk why I got it that specific.  

Basically, look out for someone who appears easy-going and kinda social (knowing or getting along with different people); but who is philosophical, understanding and wise once you get closer and have some private conversations with them. Your intuition will be able to sense that they have layers to them; as if they hold a different story from what they show to the world.

Most noticeable quality: Guide

This is simply an echo of the previous section. The oracle card supports the message of The World pretty well. So while your person can appear as if they have no problems in the world, or as if they just take it easy and flow through life, the most noticeable quality about this person is their wisdom. It can be felt in their words, their thoughts, their beliefs, the perspective they choose to take. It’s when they comment on, let’s say, an issue- like I said before, you will know that they think things through and that they feel deeply. Which might be contradictory to their usual lighthearted demeanor. 

Their friends circle might also go to them for advice, insights, or simply to feel understood. You’ll notice that they have people from all walks of life as acquaintances. For some of you, your person will actually be someone who has a lot of friends. For others of you, your person might have a lot of people around them but at the same time they will also look solitary.

Anyhow, although this is their most noticeable quality, I don’t think it will be obvious ha ha. It is something you will see only when you get close enough or spend enough time with them. They will have a spiritual effect on you; being in contact with them will impact your spirituality and your relationship with yourself/the universe.

What you can do: 7 of Wands, 6 of Swords

You need to stand strong in your beliefs and things you have chosen for yourself. If you still haven’t made a decision on who want you to be, what beliefs and values you want to have, what philosophy you want to hold, how you see yourself in relation to the rest of the world; you might want to go within and make some decisions, and you need to be ready to defend them. Hold onto your moral and life principles.

There is something you need to walk away from; it is something that does not serve your highest good anymore. If you have a limiting belief, replace that belief with what you want to believe (which also serves your highest good). That’s the feeling I’m getting. For some of you, if your current environment is toxic or makes you feel as if you need to constantly defend yourself; you might want to leave the environment and live somewhere else if possible. It might not be easy, it might be a mentally exhausting process; but better things will come.

Again, get clear about your values, beliefs, life purpose, self-image, etc. These might also come up in conversations you will have with your person. Your person might also trigger some pain and wounds, whether they realize it or not. It’s just a sign that you will need to further heal those wounds, that’s all.

If you are attracted to Pile 2, then one of these two piles is your actual pile, I don’t feel like it’s both. Pile 2 holds a different intense energy; it can’t be the same person.

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PILE 4

Signs: Death, 2 of Wands, Knight of Swords, Queen of Swords

I want to avoid talking about the same thing but Death wanted to come out. Pile 1, 2 and 3 all have the element of change lmao I guess we need to change before meeting The One. This one feels like Pluto meeting Mercury.  

One of the signs is that they will be cerebral/intellectual. I’m not sure why I feel like guys might argue or debate about some shit in your first conversation. Especially if you are cerebral as well, which I think you are. If you don’t feel connected to the air element, if you think you are not cerebral or opinionated, this might not be your pile so see if you can choose another one. Both of you will have strong opinions, and you might clash at first because of this. You will debate about something complex; if there would be a debate at all it wouldn’t be about one person walking too slow and the other person getting annoyed, it would be about something like ‘what things should change to eradicate/reduce poverty’, ‘whether potential parents should be evaluated before being allowed to have children’, ‘should you keep a private account from your marriage partner’. Controversial or complex topics.

Both of you will have been affected by some massive events in your life. This is something you will bond over, but this is also something that will cause that first clash (it will be influencing your responses). The massive event could be a trauma, death, bullying, accidents, betrayal, toxic relationships or any life-altering event. I think it’s you who will be heavily influenced by your past during the debate. Your person might be speaking from experience or from their observations of other people experience, either way- the topic will be personal to them but it might not appear like it at that time. They will have a more optimistic view, although they might be blunt. You will have a more realistic and dark view about it; which some people might consider pessimistic.

But you see, you might feel a bit frustrated, they might look frustrated, OR other people might think you guys are fighting. But both of you deep down will feel kinda… exhilarated? Intoxicated? by the debate. It will intrigue both of you. It will make both of you acknowledge and get curious about each other. They might make a point that you will deep down find reasonable, vice versa. Someone here will exceed expectations.

By the time you meet them, you both will still be figuring things out; about your life and where you want to go after this. So you might meet them at college or university, or early stage of your career. Sometimes they will look fearless, like a person who is ready to cut Death itself.  

Basically, you guys will connect intellectually. Right off the bat you guys might disagree with something but you will know they use their brain, and they will know you use your brain. They will be more careless though. It might need a little bit of work, but you guys are much more similar than what your initial debate might show. I don’t think you disagree with the what should be done, just the how you should approach it. If you have a tendency to be impatient toward bullshit, this person will be the same. No games, no mind reading, no beating around the bush with this person. Your attitude toward the past will be similar.

Most noticeable quality: Child, Eternal

This person is much more playful than how they appear at first. Don’t let their strong opinions and bluntness fool you. They can be a child; most of the time, in a good way, occasionally a bit annoyingly. It depends. They can be affectionate, teasing, and are probably much more sensitive than whatever ‘tough’ ‘cool’ image they show to the world. I’m getting Aries energy, Sagittarius, Gemini. I don’t know what stance or perspective they will take in the debate, but this person is actually hopeful and optimistic about life. It’s in their nature to want to move forward. They want things to go well without any complications, so they might react to this need by addressing problems as soon as possible. The type who will just ask what’s your problem when they feel like you are hiding something. This person might not want to take a heavy, Scorpionic approach to seeing things, whether or not they have experienced dark things in their life. They could have Scorpio in them, since we have Death here, but they will engage more with their cerebral side.

So if you have a heavy Scorpio/Pluto energy and you are used to talk about the dark shit, then that might be the reason why you clash at first. It’s not like they can’t see what you see, it’s just that, they might have this resistance to staying too long in the dark. Who knows, being with you might get them to get used to do so.  

What you can do: 6 of Swords, 9 of Pentacles

This one is more about self-love. 6 of Swords can talk about moving away and healing your pain, not carrying them with you. 9 of Pentacles can talk about enjoying the fruits of your labor, it is also a woman who is independent and pretty much takes care of herself. I’m not sensing heavy energy for you. It might simply loose ends that need to be tied up, residue of painful experience that needs to be removed, that’s all.

You might also want to pamper yourself. Or have some self-care activities, be it taking some time to do skincare while meditating, having a cup of tea while reading a book every Saturday morning, going on a date with yourself and get some ice-cream after a job well done. It’s up to you. But something that can help you feel better, and enjoy day-to-day life more. Try new things, such as new projects or hobbies if you want, say yes to invitations from friends (after the pandemic or in a small group lol). Honestly you might meet your person then.  

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PILE 5

Signs: 9 of Cups, The Star, 2 of Wands, Ace of Pentacles

You will meet them after either you or them have just gone through a heartbreak, most likely a break-up or a disastrous past relationship. The person who experiences the heartbreak will want to move away from the past, either by relocating or taking a different job; the change will be heavily influenced by the desire to move away from the heartbreak and the desire to focus on their own improvement/life. I’m feeling like this is most likely them, but it’s not weird if you mirror each other.  

Your person will be your dream comes true, or you will be theirs, or both. Almost feels like a ‘reward’ after hardship.

They will be emotionally mature and wise. Someone who has learned enough life lessons to share some of their wisdom with others. Could be older than you. But they will look emotionally grounded, warm, giving the impression that you can depend on them. I don’t feel like they are the type who will gush and fret over someone, busily taking care of someone else; they will simply look composed and stable. They might be reasonably private about their personal life, not everything we can share with everyone, but they wont have tough walls or exterior to crack.

When you meet them, they will be living their life purpose or building something which can help them get closer to their life purpose. This person will be working on a personal project; they will be starting something they can call theirs. It could be their own business, a new department, a new invention, etc. It will have a purpose of realizing their own vision, representing them as a person. When you look at their project, you can see their personality being reflected back. You might be in awe of them; how focused they are in realizing their ideas. It might also inspire you.

Honestly I can’t talk about financial stability when we only have Ace of Pentacles here, but this is a promise. When you look at them, you will think to yourself like ‘ah they will succeed’. That’s the impression they will leave on you. Even if their project turns out to be unsuccessful, with that personality and sense of direction, you know they can go far. They might not have everything yet (everything they want to manifest), but they are not a beginner either, so they will not give off that instability of an apprentice who is just starting or an entrepreneur who has nothing in their pocket.

Most noticeable quality: Visionary

You’ll notice them from their desire to make their dreams happen. They have dreams, vision, you name it; but they are not impractical. They will go out there and figure out how to make it happen. You will notice them from how focused they are on the future, and on building and bringing things into a reality. So they might talk a lot about the future; the next actions they want to take, things they want to do, whether they should implement this idea or that idea, or maybe they should go about it this way instead of that way, their observation of the market trends etc. There isn’t as much intensity in this pile in comparison to other piles, but there is definitely an element of ‘focused actions’ here. They might also have an ability to understand cause-and-effect; which might allow them to strategize their moves. Not surprised if they are also ambitious, not as penetrating or intense as Pile 2, but at least they will look ambitious to people who prefer a routine simple life.

They will also have some causes they believe in, like, social responsibility- they will want to contribute back to the community. But I’m not feeling it strongly so it might be underneath all of their goals and vision, and it might not be their main priority, just an extra wish. For example, let’s say you guys are having a conversation about the future and their goals and then they tell you that oh they are actually passionate and care about children with disabilities, and they want to help create a tool that can be convenient for those people, or they want to do something for those people once they get where they want to be in life. Just an example.

What you can do: Page of Wands, Knight of Pentacles

For those of you who have some big decisions to make, there is a message to follow the path that serves your highest good.

If you have a dream you want to make happen but you haven’t because you think it’s unrealistic, then, definitely reconsider. It might look unrealistic or you might feel shy and scared to try it, because maybe it’s different and ‘what will people say’, but you have Page of Wands here so definitely give it a shot. Of course don’t sacrifice your stability especially not right away, but try to look deeper into how you can make it successful. Knight of Pentacles can represent consistent and steady effort. Honestly this makes sense, because your person is the type who will go after their vision and try to make it happen; by doing the same thing in your life, you are actually matching their energy. Even if it doesn’t turn out to be successful, at least when you meet this person you can say that you had something you fought for, a dream you tried to materialize. That matters.  

For those who have figured out their journey and goals, keep going. Whatever you are doing or planning to do, keep at it. You might be trekking an uncharted path, your path might be different than people around you and success isn’t guaranteed, but hey you’ll never know unless you try.

....................

[random-mha-thoughts]

Thigh Highs

Characters: Todoroki Shouto, Bakugou Katsuki, Kaminari Denki (these guys be ass men i dun wanna hear NOTHING)

Scenario: Your boyfriend sees you wearing thigh high socks for the first time in your relationship.

Genre: Spice, College AUs!

Word count: 1,746

Tags:  @yuki-osaki​​ @liviitehe​​ @iamsoftsodonttoucheume-blog​​ 

a/n: I told y’all you were getting headcanons. But instead you’re getting MINI-SCENARIOS because I was feeling it ayeee.  I’m happy to be writing again, even if it’s a warm-up to fanfics and my requests.  I really needed to write something I’m inspired by to ease myself back into writing again, and right now I’m inspired to write these boys thirsting over their s/o’s thiccness. Thank me later.

Also! I was originally gonna write for Kiri, but since I have a request for Denki coming down the pipeline soon, I figured I would write a little sneak peek/sample of him.  They’re scenarios were similar though.  I’m gonna write a part 2 with Kiri, Shinsou, and a bonus Todoroki scene ;)

Todoroki Shouto

You don’t know what spurred you to wear those thigh highs buried in your sock drawer.  Maybe it was a Pinterest post or a school life anime, or it was just too hot for joggers but too cold for just your shorts.  It wasn’t like you were going anywhere; your friends proposed a movie in the common room on your floor, so it didn’t matter if you didn’t look the best in them.  It’s just an experiment, you think as you slid them up your legs.  One glance in the mirror and the slight rolling down at the hem made you frown, taking it as a sign that your thighs are perhaps on the too thick side.  Still, you didn’t care enough to take them off, plopping yourself on the couch between Tsuyu and your boyfriend.  He’d glanced over briefly and outstretched his arm in anticipation of your body nestling itself there to snuggle.

Sometime in the middle of the movie, Todoroki’s head ended up in your lap, twiddling with one of your hands, caressing your fingers and knuckles with his calloused ones.  His other hand rests on your knee.  As the movie carries on, more of your friends start dozing off and you start paying more attention to your phone.  You feel Todoroki’s hand on your knee ghost ever so slightly up higher.  Figuring he’s just cradling his head on that hand, you try not to stiffen, until his finger starts tracing the rolled up lip of my socks.

Your hand in his soft hair taps a finger to call his attention.  When his body pivots onto his back, you whisper, “Why are you touching my socks, babe?”

A teasing smirk quirks at his lips.  “Is it distracting you?”

“Kind of.”  It may or may not make you self-conscious.

His finger traces a small circle on your bare thigh, facing your body now.  “These socks are distracting me too, calling attention to these beautiful thighs of yours.”  Before you can respond, he places a kiss right at the hem of your shorts, sending a wave of low heat through your body.  “That little bit of skin spilling out the top looks absolutely tantalizing, dear.”  His light touches and caresses enveloping your body in delicious sparks of electricity as he continues peppering more feathery kisses on your flesh to meet the end of your shorts.  You squirm as you breathe his name, only for him to sit up and lean up against your ear.  “I’d like to devour them, rest on them a little more,” his voice drops lower, “Maybe dwell right between them.”

Your face erupts in the most furious heat.  “N-No- W-What if someone hears you?” you whisper-yell.

“Everyone’s asleep already.”  Todoroki’s hand dips under your flesh, riding up your shorts and giving your soft thighs a light squeeze, his lips ghosting the sensitive spot under your ear.  “But I can wait to ravish you fully when we’re alone.”  Another chaste kiss on your jaw.  “I’d love to see you wear these more often.”  The other hand tugs the elastic band before releasing it, letting it snap against your thigh and eliciting a sharp gasp from you.  He just chuckles at your sensitivity.  “Be prepared, darling.”

Bakugou Katsuki

“Get over here and cuddle me already!”  Your needy boyfriend grumbles from your bed.  His pouty face is apparent in your mind even if you can’t see it from your rummaging.

“Just a minute, babe.”  You’re separating the socks in your drawer.  You figured it would be a cute idea to wear the socks Mina suggested you get; they were soft enough to cuddle in and you thought Bakugou would enjoy it, even though he’s not the picky type as long as you were actually cuddling him.

It’s a lazy Friday afternoon after your classes are finished.  The end of a weary school week means cuddling up with each other as stress relief.  There’s nothing more the two of you look forward to than staying in each other’s arms, watching movies, talking, kissing, or a combination of all three.

Finally, you pull them out and slide them on.  Catching your reflection in the mirror, you smile at how cute they look on you.  They have little black bows at the top and a matching line down the side of the cream colored knit.

“Babe.”

Bakugou’s sudden gravelly voice pulls you out of your thoughts.  It’s a different tone from the whining he was doing just a moment ago, it’s sudden intensity almost scaring you.  One look in his crimson eyes tells you exactly why.  He’s sitting upright now, tracing your form as his tongue swipes his smirking bottom lip.  “Is that a little something for me?”

You flicker your head down then right back at him, pushing your legs together shyly.  “I thought it would be cute, don’t you think?” you squeak out.

Your action must have excited him more, something between a hum and a groan resonating in his throat.  “God, you’re killing me.”  Bakugou holds his hands outstretched to you.  “Get over here before I scoop you up myself.”

As the obedient lamb you are, you scurry over to him.  His hands immediately grab behind your thighs and pull you into his lap, strongly gripping your soft skin.  “Just the perfect accessory for these amazing thighs of yours.”  He gives one of them a light slap, earning a yelp from you.  “You been hiding these from me for long?”

You shake your head quickly.  “Mina thought I should get them, I wanted to show you.”

“It’s my lucky day isn’t it?” Bakugou groans out, gathering more of your thickness in his hands to massage them as he meets your lips sloppily.  “Who said you can look that damn hot?”  As he leans down to steal rabid kisses from your sensitive neck.  “I’m the only person you can wear these for, you hear me?” he growls against your skin, leaving a bite on your collarbone.  Blunt nails dig down the flesh of your leg, making you gasp.  “I can just hold them all day, you’re not going anywhere for a while.”

One thing’s for sure, you’re going to do a lot more kissing than you did cuddle this time around.

Kaminari Denki

There are a lot of things in your closet that you haven’t worn, including a single rogue pair of thigh-high socks you’ve never dared to wear until you were bored today.   It could be fun to look like a schoolgirl, you think brightly, pulling them on.  Half of you expected the socks to constrict all the life from your legs, but they were just the slightest bit snug at the tops of your knees only.  With the help of Pinterest, you decide on a pair of shorts and some heeled booties to finish off the bottom half of a potential outfit you promise you’ll wear to class one day.

When you finally look in the mirror, you instinctively say, “Damn.”  You didn’t expect the outfit to look this cute, even though your thick thighs look a little too big at some angles.  “I have a figure.”

You have to take some cute pictures.

Pulling out your camera, you imitate the poses in the model photos you saw, pushing your legs together to make your thighs look skinnier and trying not to show the fat pooching out from the top of the socks.  Buzzing with newfound self-esteem at how hot you are, you send the pictures to your boyfriend without another thought.  “Was cleaning stuff out, don’t I look cute?”  You expect him to answer right away since he saw the pictures right after you sent them, but he leaves them on read, sending all of your confidence crashing down.  I thought I looked cute, I thought he would agree, you think somberly.

Slumping onto the floor in front of your closet, you slide through the pictures you were just squealing over two minutes ago.  Why would Kaminari, your number one supporter and cheerleader, leave you on read?  You thought you look like quite a catch.  You know you look like quite a catch.

A minute later, there’s a knock on your door.  Rushing to answer it, swinging the door surprisingly reveals the bright blond hair of your boyfriend.  You have no time to act surprised, he takes one sweep down before he jumps on you, pushing your body against the wall and crushing your lips to his.  His hands tightly grip your hips, looping a finger inside your shorts.

You roughly push his face away, both to breathe and get an explanation from your seemingly bipolar boyfriend.  Before you can say anything, he moans, “I couldn’t help myself, I had to come see you in person.”  He pulls back a little to scan your body again.  “God, you look sexy, baby.  You know how much I love your legs and this curvy little figure of yours.”  He hoists you up by your thighs, pinning your body to the wall with his and squeezing his hands around your flesh just shy of your butt.

You let out a yelp just as his lips capture yours again, more hungry this time, as he gathers more of your lovely thickness in his hands.  You try to match his pace, but he proves to be too much for you, especially with how he’s slowly grinding your bodies together, sending sweet tingling electricity through you.  Kaminari slides his hands down your legs closer to the middle of your thighs to carry you over to your bed, waddling over so he won’t drop you.

As he passes your mirror, you separate from him.  “W-Wait, stop here.”

The boy stops moving but continues his assault down your neck now.  Through your foggy mind, you pull out your phone and take a picture of the passionate image: your boyfriend gripping your honey thighs desperately as he ravages your neck, your arm clinging onto his neck and your knees squeezing his body, the socks the perfect accessory.  He looks up to stare down at the picture before rushing you over to the bed, practically tossing you down onto it before taking his place hovering over you.  Stealing your lips with another searing kiss, he mumbles, “I want that as my phone background, you look so hot there.  Damn, I’m so lucky to have you.”

You chuckle out another sigh.  “And here I thought you didn’t like how I looked.”

“Never!”

PART 2

[babaleshy]

I'm Autistic

Because this will likely be a lengthy, wordy post about my self-diagnosis as Autistic as well as all of my experiences regarding Autistic traits, I'm going to leave a "read more" link so that you're not scrolling for ages just to catch up on your feed.

Ah, I see you've clicked "keep reading" or "read more" or whatever this site has it labeled as, now. You don't get to be mad at how long this is or how much of a waste of time reading this may be to you because you consciously clicked on the link. Therefore, I am exempt from taking responsibilities of eating up any bit of your time, including the time you've wasted reading this disclaimer.

So... Yes. I am. And it's a self-diagnosis right now.

You're probably thinking that I saw a Tik Tok clip, checked out a page on WebMD, and decided that I'm Autistic (this is in reference to a Tik Tok I saw last night that nearly made me spit out my drink because of how painfully accurate the "what people think self-diagnosis is vs reality" clip was). That is, of course, not the case.

A few years ago (likely 2018), I don't recall what it was I read online, but it made me go, "Oh wow, that makes so much sense to me," in regards to a neurodivergent trait. However, this was then I thought I had ADHD. My husband has ADHD, was diagnosed with it as a child, and because his dad forced the doctor (this was like, in the late 90s, early 2000s I think) to put him on Adderall and Ritalin, my husband does not remember 3 years of his life because he was a drooling, zombified mess. Why did his dad do this? Because his grades were bad. Did this help with his grades? No. Did his dad take him off the meds because he didn't get the desired result? Also no. My husband wasn't even informed on what ADHD was. He was simply told he had it and to take these pills. It wasn't until he (my husband) read the label saying that it could increase the risk of heart issues that he cussed his dad out and flushed all the pills down the toilet. Up until very recently, he wasn't sure if he actually had ADHD until he saw a YouTuber who was actually diagnosed with it display the exact traits he had.

But he didn't see this YouTuber when I thought I had ADHD, so my husband couldn't exactly relate, plus I didn't want to trigger anything with him on the subject.

But the more I researched, the more I realized I could be on the spectrum. It wasn't until 2019 that I was printing out articles, trait lists, etc. to highlight and put into a folder (which is thick and nearly bursting with what I've printed out to have a hardcopy of records highlighting the traits that I have, including traits my husband and my mom see in me) that I realized "I could have Asperger's."

Of course, I no longer use that term after finding out it was named after a n*zi, and I began to embrace the term "Autistic" instead.

But the thing that triggered me into going, "Wait, so it's not ADHD that I think I have, it's Asperger's?" was, like my husband, seeing a YouTuber talk about their traits and experiences. I had identical struggles, myself. (Through this same YouTuber, I also found out I'm greysexual, too! There's a name to describe my experience with sexual attraction! Yay!)

There are a lot of VERY SPECIFIC TRAITS Autistic people experience that aren't mentioned by the YouTuber or in anything that I've printed out and highlighted that I have found through various Tik Toks that I have personally experienced that simply further solidifies the fact that I'm definitely on the spectrum. When I showed the Tik Tok I mentioned earlier (I don't remember their name) to my husband last night, he was wide-eyed because the description of how that individual self-diagnosed themselves WAS EXACTLY WHAT I DID WORD FOR WORD HOLY SHIT.

I was already convinced I am Autistic, but each time I read Twitter threads of people's experiences with their Autistic traits, each time I watch Tik Toks or certain YouTubers share their experiences, it further solidifies that yep, I'm Autistic.

What's amazing is that my husband is very supportive. I'm extremely lucky to have married him. I've been a terrible masker but he loves me anyways. He never gave me shit for my meltdowns and tried to help me out, thinking I was just horribly overly stressed. Now that he knows why I've had the few outwardly noticeable meltdowns that I've had throughout our years together, he knows how to help me more, now. And while he's figured out my traits and what issues I have, knowing that I'm on the spectrum helps him make sense of why I'm like this, and he can help me accordingly whether it's to prepare for something in advance, help me calm down, etc.

(I should also add here real quick that there's a high chance I have OCD as well, but less of the compulsive actions and more of the obsessive thoughts, but I'm not entirely sure just yet if this is the case. I'm actually hoping to see someone about this but with the pandemic, I don't know when that will be.)

Now... onto the traits and experiences.

My Traits (that stand out with neon lights)(Will copy word-for-word a trait my mom or husband see in me and it will be typed in a different color.)

Having a folder that has all of my research I've obsessively looked up, printed out, highlighted what I saw in myself with one color (yellow) while highlighting what my mom and my husband see with another color (pink). I'm also using this folder to make this list as a reference because I sometimes forget certain traits I do have are because I'm Autistic. (I'm 32 as I write this, so when so much of what you think, do, and experience that you see is normal for you turns out to be an Autistic trait, it takes a while to get used to it and thus remember that because you haven't had a label for it your whole life.)

Despite being goth/punk, I dress as comfortably as I can. Textures aren't a very big issue for me, but what feels like strangulation of my body tends to be a problem. I cannot handle having the cross seams of pants feeling like I have a chopstick slowly impaling my vulva, or I can't stand how tight some shorts are that they pinch my hip joints.

I've NEVER spent much time grooming my own hair. It's either tiring, I"m impatient and want it done NOW, or both. This is why I have a Tank Girl haircut (all buzzed except for bangs), where I can basically "wash and go." (Husband does my haircuts and dyes and he's kickass at it.)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance.

Is youthful for age, in looks, dress, behavior, and tastes.

Usually a little more expressive in the face and gesture than male counterparts.

"May not have strong sense of identity and can be very chameleon like before diagnosis." (This resonates with me in the form that I never saw myself in ANY fictional character other than Tank Girl. My husband agrees with this opinion, but he also says he also sees a lot of me in Caulifla from Dragonball Super.)

I enjoy reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children's (sometimes), can have favorites which are a refuge.

Uses control as a stress management (like routines, rules, rigid certain habits, etc.)

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment.

I've been seen as "sensitive" by some, and mocked for crying a lot by others.

I struggled with social aspects of college and have 2 partial degrees.

Often have trouble holding a job and finds employment very daunting.

Slow at comprehending at times due to sensory and cognitive processing issues.

DOES NOT DO WELL WITH VERBAL INSTRUCTIONS; MUST BE WRITTEN DOWN

Special interests (I'll get into these later).

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions (some of which might be due to possible OCD).

I do have some sensory issues such as visual processing issues at times, certain sounds, certain smells, food I think, and issues with sunlight and my goddamn retinas.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. Both of my parents as well as my husband have described my personality as reminding them of a cat.

Mild to severe gastro-intestinal difficulties (some of which could be due to endometriosis, btw).

I stim a little such as leg-bouncing, foot-waggling, some hand-flapping, some bouncing, the "spine-shimmy," joint-cracking, or playing with my ears.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload.

Hates injustice and hates being misunderstood, which incites anger and rage.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown, likely to stutter and may have a raspy voice.

Words and actions often misunderstood by others.

Perceived to be cold-natured and self-centered; unfriendly.

Very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passionate/obsessive interests.

Will shutdown in social situations once overloaded but generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of skilled, but it is a "performance."

Doesn't go out much; will prefer to go out with partner only (aka my husband).

Will not do "girly" things like shopping.

Takes relationships seriously.

There's a bit on this chart (some of you probably already know by know what chart I'm using here) that says due to sensory issues, one would either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it. I'm in the former camp complete with a pretty high libido.

Often prefers the company of animals.

So there are the traits that REALLY stick out like a sore thumb. These come from a site regarding female Asperger traits or however it's labeled as. I have plenty more from two other articles I printed out with lots of highlighting, but the chart actually sums a lot of the definitive shit quite nicely. At some point in this list, I could tell I went "fuck it" and copied many things word for word anyways since I'll be talking about experiences later in this post.

But it was this chart that I'd discovered that I started to realize that I really am on the spectrum, and to triple check, I asked my mom and my husband if they saw any of this in me. The traits typed in green are ones I wasn't sure of and had to ask them if they saw it. I'm not always aware of how I am, who I am at times, etc. I also didn't want to lie about it, so I had to get second and third opinions.

Despite all of this, only very few people that know me IRL know about me being Autistic. This is because I was heavily bullied growing up and since I haven't exactly left my hometown, I really don't want whoever stayed in the area as well to either have more fuel and re-enter my life that way, or try really hard to relieve their guilty conscience and demand that I forgive them or some shit. I also don't want "Autism Mommies" to come at my ass either asking that I help their kid (I'm not fond of children so that's not happening, plus ableism is what fucks a lot of Autistic people over regarding of age but they won't take that for an answer) or that because they---a neurotypical person---have a child who's Autistic, then that means they know all about it and because I'm not exactly like their child then I can't possibly be Autistic. It's just a whole mountain of shit I don't wanna get into.

This next bit will be split into 2 parts. One will be my special interests, and the other will be my experiences from my past that are prime examples of being Autistic long before anyone in the common public knew what Autism actually was.

My Special Interests (Both Forever & Temporary)

The following list will have my special interests but with indicators in parentheses as to whether they are forever-interests (as in, I never lost interest in the thing) or temporary (meaning, it was short-lived be it by weeks, months, or a few years). This will be in chronological order, meaning: the order of which these have appeared throughout my life.

Barney (temporary; helped me skip preschool and become honor roll student in kindergarten though)

Halloween (forever)

the color orange (forever)

dinosaurs (forever)

Donkey Kong Country esp. for SNES (forever)

animals (forever)

Godzilla movies (forever)

monster movies (forever)

Pokemon (temporary; I still like Pokemon, but it's not as hyperfocused as it used to be)

Digimon (temporary; same situation as with Pokemon)

Dragonball Z (forever)

Sailor Moon (on-and-off)

Ultimate Muscle (Kinnikuman Nisei) (forever)

Freddy vs Jason movie (still like, but the hyperfocus was temporary)

horror movies (forever)

Transformers (temporary)

Dark Knight movie (temporary)

Harley Quinn (temporary)

Lobo (temporary)

X-Men (forever, but only certain universes, mainly the 90s cartoon, and the character is always Hank McCoy)

neon-colored stuff (temporary; kind of some sort of semi-rave/techno phase)

books (forever; this was when I discovered it's "legal" to enjoy books if you "aren't smart"; I may explain this logic I had later in the post)

sex/sexuality/sexology (forever on the first two, temporary on the last one)

BDSM (on-and-off)

feminism (temporary in regards to doing research and educating myself; I still hold the views I've developed as a result, just not obsessively researching this topic anymore)

anarchism (forever)

ecology (forever)

Pleistocene epoch (forever)

goth and punk stuff (forever after discovering what these things are all about for real compared to when I was in high school and had no idea how to ask, who to ask, or where to look this stuff up at in rural Ohio)

Hellblazer (temporary)

Serbian heritage (on-and-off)

bats (temporary)

arachnids (forever)

teratophilia (forever; finally have a word to describe this damn kink)

gardening (current; unsure)

Russian language (current; unsure)

DIY things (forever)

Towards the end, it may not be in the proper order thanks to slowly losing my damn mind being cooped up mostly in my room on this farm since moving back here in 2014. The two that are "current;unsure" are ones I have a hyperfocus in right now, but I don't know if this will be temporary or not. I certainly hope not, especially considering how useful these things will be. And while I have gardening as one of them, I haven't properly begun yet because I get empty promises from my parents where they claim they'd help me, not to worry about it, then get irritated when I ask where the help is and they suddenly can't give me the help when I told them I needed it.

I should also note that I don't exactly have an encyclopedic knowledge in a whole lot of these interests that are forever-interests because I'm normally exhausted just trying to exist with minimal trouble from people. I'm hoping this will change. The things I know I have an almost encyclopedic knowledge in would be Dragonball Z, animals/ecology, and... a-and that's it. That's really it. That's all I've got because Dragonball Z was so profoundly different compared to other cartoons I've watched in the 90s that it was a wonderful escape, and I grew up around animals, taking care of animals, and watching nature documentaries. The stress I went through growing up has caused my memory of some of that wonderful animal knowledge to be lost and what could be re-gained may be easily forgotten again, hence why I need to narrow my focus for what I'd like to be an ecologist for. While I love paleontology, I want to help the living world's ecosystems and environments, too. I'd love to go back to school for this stuff now that I'm more informed of who I am and what I want in life (as opposed to being forced to pick a college major while still in high school while I'm just trying to survive the concept of existence).

In terms of collecting things pertaining to my interests, a common pattern you'll see me have is a very slowly growing Hank McCoy collection. This is largely because there isn't too much stuff made regarding this character. (There also isn't much stuff I can find that involves Piccolo, Cyndaquil, Donkey Kong, giant ground sloths, etc. that isn't already snatched up by other fans.)

Now, I'm going to get into the list of experiences. Some of which will talk about my special interests, but I also really want to talk about my struggles, too.

Experiences That Screamed "I'm Autistic"

In gradeschool, I was friends with someone who probably wasn't actually a friend and her mom made her hang out with me since I didn't really have any friends. She has told me several times that she didn't want to be my friend anymore with some kind of hostile catty smile, but I just.. I wasn't getting it. Because there was a smile. Why say that with a smile? After all we've been through? Then she's back to being my friend the next week. She really wanted to hang out with the popular girls (yes, there were cliques in 90s American gradeschool) and has done countless things to sabotage our friendship such as telling me Barney is a fake, Donkey Kong was a real gorilla who hung himself, etc. And I believed all this shit, too, in an attempt to still be an acceptable friend. She even told me that I couldn't be a witch because I liked toads so much (toads were the only wildlife I excitedly interacted with in my back yard on a regular basis).

I love Halloween for many reasons, but one of them (aside from my favorite color being involved) was the fact that it was acceptable to wear a mask. I love (and still do) the idea of covering my face because I feel less "naked" to the world. So this pandemic had a small plus for me in the form of mask-wearing outside of Halloween has become somewhat more acceptable.

In 5th grade, another classmate who had more obvious Autistic traits and was diagnosed with Asperger's at the time was an asshole to me. They would constantly give me shit and bully me for whatever reason. When I finally took a stand, the teachers on duty at recess called me to the bottom of the hill, forcing me to look at them WITHOUT allowing me to have my hands up to block the sunlight that hurt my eyes, and were able to manipulate me into "admitting picking on so-and-so for no reason" because I chased them around the playground where a group of girls (the same cliquey assholes the former "friend" wanted to mingle with) had to group-carry me away. They're the ones who snitched and they gave me those same hostile smiles. That's when I learned that not all smiles meant good things. I was 10.

I sometimes "lose the ability" to ask for help long before the "help" I ever got in any circumstance was just me being met with frustration by whoever is trying to "help" me or I'm met with "sorry, can't help you there. (The former being with homework or school work, the latter being with going to authorities about bullies.)

Growing up, I was never girly (or girly enough) and I've tried to, but I failed miserably. My special interests would roar through and because it was too odd or different or annoying, it gave other girls fuel for bullying me with.

Regarding the lack of being girly enough, I was at a pool party with the former "friend" mentioned earlier and she started this "game" where she and the other girls would leap into the pool saying, "I love you, Leonardo!" This was in 4th grade and in reference to the Titanic movie, which at that point, I'd never heard of, because I was too pumped for the latest Land Before Time sequel. So when I leapt into the pool, I said, "I love you, Raphael." All the girls were confused, asked who that was. I then asked, "Aren't we playing Ninja Turtles?" Because the only Leonardo I knew of was a fucking Ninja Turtle, goddamnit. Who let you brats watch that shitty romance film anyways? Boring as fuck.

Aside from the occasional weekend visits or sleepovers at the former "friend's" house, I didn't get to socialize much, so I would spend most of my days (especially in the summer) watching what was on TV or watching from our very large VHS collection. During which I would make mental notes on how certain characters acted or what they said and try to remember that to mimic them in a social setting, which would be out of place because I'd be so focused on mainly the dialogue that once it prompts me to say the thing, they don't respond how I expect them to and then I'm at a loss.

I was very ignorant of music and didn't even know the concept of independent or underground bands existed. Plus, rural Ohio is a cultural wasteland. Otherwise, I would've gotten into metal, goth, and punk way earlier in life. So I thought that bands that existed were because television said so.

Speaking of an odd logic... If it was taboo or bad to talk about, I thought it was illegal. Thus, I thought any knowledge about sex was illegal and that it was supposed to happen "naturally."

I also thought that, because I wasn't considered as smart by my peers, some teachers, and even as such in the form of an insult from my parents from time to time (despite what they claim NOW), that also meant I wasn't allowed to enjoy books, because only smart people are allowed to enjoy reading. So therefore, it would be illegal for me, a not-smart person, to enjoy reading a book. So I had to focus on the pictures because if I enjoyed reading, somehow everyone would know and then I'd get into trouble.

I also thought it was illegal to talk about periods.

I socially struggled BADLY when I got to middle school because my brain was like... 4 years behind? How the fuck do people know all these bigger words? Or complex issues? This was also when I had to start suppressing ALL urges to cry because at that age, I'm not "supposed" to cry over everything. So I still, to this day, suppress it to the point of guaranteeing inducing a headache. Because I've always caught shit for crying.

Middle school was when I met an oppressive "friend" who was obsessed with me because she had a crush on me and was rather controlling of who I could and couldn't talk to and got pissy if I got close to making a new friend. Because I was desperate for a friend that wasn't like the former "friend," I allowed this abuse into my life.

High school was me just trying to survive. By the time I got home, I was too mentally exhausted to enjoy anything short of watching TV or whatever was rented from Blockbuster.

My brain was still feeling like it was years behind, and I struggled to keep up with whatever was supposed to be something I knew about, including the concept of masturbation.

Like I said earlier, anything sex-related might've been illegal to talk about, and because masturbation was still kinda taboo, I feared I'd get in trouble, but my teenage hormones compelled me to do it a LOT. It consumed my free time almost like an escape, a form of stimming, but I was shameful of it to the point of suicidal thoughts.

The former bullet was due to being raised in a christian household. My parents didn't have such views on sex like this, but I was afraid of being in trouble for asking, took to the internet, and caught some misinfo about how immoral it was. I mourned I'd be going to hell.

Speaking of religion, I thought it was illegal to change your religious beliefs, and there was only Judiasm, Muslim, and Buddhism outside of christianity (I'm Pagan, now).

While I was excited to get away from my parents presumably for good after high school, college was a new form of hell. The sudden, dramatic change in environment and lack of ANY preparation for living like an adult on my own caused me to mentally/socially/emotionally malfunction. I had outbursts I desperately tried to suppress, I felt stupid because everybody sounded smarter than me, I didn't actually want to go to art school but wasn't smart enough for anything else and never really bothered to better my artistic skills and thus felt like I shouldn't be there anyways, I struggled to fit in better, I had no idea how to function that certain habits such as neglect of my own dishes on my desk developed because I LITERALLY COULD NOT SEE MY OWN MESSES DUE TO THE STRESS I WAS EXPERIENCING. This was 3 or 4 long YEARS of this.

Attending art classes mostly run by very demanding (and demeaning) teachers while my art skills weren't up to par added to this stress on top of me not actually wanting to be THERE in the first place, just away from my parents.

I nearly ruined a friendship with a roommate because of my struggles. I'm not even sure if she is aware of my Autism because I'm afraid to approach her about it for some reason.

Plenty of times throughout my life where I'm loud and don't even realize it.

I've info-dumped on my parents, but right now they half or completely ignore me.

I've tried making eye contact, but it's like staring in the sun not in the sense of pain, but in the sense of by natural reaction looking away. When I force myself to make eye contact, I'm spending so much focus and effort into doing that to the point where I am unable to pay attention to what the person is saying. Instead, I stare at the mouth so I make sure I hear correctly the words they're telling me.

Each time someone is mad at me and gives me the silent treatment, and I inquire what I did to piss them off, they get madder because I'm somehow supposed to immediately know when I fucking don't. Then, half the time, they continue not telling me and I have to hear it from someone else. This further confuses me as to why they don't just simply fucking tell me.

I've annoyed people to listening to the same one or few songs over and over again. A lot (currently obsessed with the Sunset Overdrive and Tank Girl movie soundtracks).

I can "smell" the heat outside on a summer day.

I can smell other people's unique scents sometimes (especially when in someone's house; also experienced this in other people's dorms).

I can't remember what grade this was, but in high school, we went to some kind of space camp facility thing, and our class was split into two groups: one group was the group who was on Mars and ready to come home, the other was on Earth and can't wait to go to Mars. I was in the former group. My job in this little fun display interactive room thing was to examine the isotopes and report... uh.. I can't remember.. Report something that was off. Everyone else was dicking around with what they're supposed to do, and I was actually doing my job, and then said something, like I was supposed to, if I found something that was off (I don't remember the specifics). When the scientist who worked at the facility praised me on "saving the crew," I caught this look from the entire class a look I can't quite describe other than they didn't seem to like the fact that I did a good thing and was being praised for it instead of any of them (or they were shocked that a "dumb girl" like me could achieve this and get praise for it, I don't know.. hard to tell). This was a science class field trip, but despite this, I didn't have an interest in space, and still didn't feel I was smart. (Come to think of it, I think this was actually an 8th grade field trip, I can't remember.)

Just discovered this today: I'm actually very easily overwhelmed that could trigger a meltdown when I wake up. I don't know for how long until that point passes, either. But this could also be explained with how I've reacted to certain alarm clocks (the ones with the bells just induce pure rage in me). Either I will be on the verge of a meltdown or I'll have a fucking headache all day. Normally, I just wanna drink my coffee and either read or practice a little on Duolingo.

I don't always have enough room for a lot of info in my head for things that I like, so I have to carefully narrow shit down. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what to do about my urge to get my hands on some monster movies while making sure nothing else I've retained info for wanes. Not sure if this is due to stress or what. But apparently I have designated compartments for certain categories in my brain. If I get into monster movies, continue to work on my knwoledge on ecology and paleontology, and gain more knowledge about arachnids, that shouldn't impede on the "language" category, so whatever I learn in Russian will remain safe.

Interest "Webs."

I have what I'd like to call an "interest web." My special interests in one thing can lead me to having an interest in another. I care about nature, and I also care about paleontology. Paleoecology is something I'd like to dip my toes into. But because this all involves nature, I have an interest in botany (though it's still intimidating so I'm sticking with local native trees) and arachnids (after conquering my fears and learning more about them). So the web stops at arachnids there (no pun intended).

Back to ecology and paleoecology...

I have a major interest in the Pleistocene because it was just before we humans started writing shit down. Hints of that era echoes within our current environment, from the pronghorn being "unnecessarily" fast (due to miracynonyx, the "American cheetah," which is now an extinct cat) to avocados not seeding like they should without human assistance as well as the yucca trees (Joshua trees) going into retreat thanks to the absence of giant ground sloths.

But the planet is warming, and we could use all the help from plants that we get, especially when it comes to making sure that permafrost stays frozen. So there's this "Pleistocene Park" project taking place in Russia, and one day, if I get into the field of paleontology, I may want to chat with those involved in that project, but one can't expect every other country to know English.

There's also FROZEN PLEISTOCENE MEGAFAUNA CARCASSES BEING FOUND IN PERMAFROST, too.

On top of all of this, Russia's northern lands will become habitable for humans if shit hits the fan and the planet's mostly fucked, so it's still nice to know the language.

See how all of these interests intertwine? (It also helps that since I am of Serbian heritage but can't find accessible resources to learn the language and I wanna know a Slavic language that Russian is kind of accessible. It also seems to be the only Slavic language "commonly" found in colleges when it comes to foreign language courses.) This is why I call them "interest webs." Not sure if other Autistic people have them, but it's something that I have.

The second one could simply involve Halloween, punk, goth, monsters, and teratophilia with Halloween being the gateway because my favorite color is orange.

Just thought this would be a fun thing to touch on real quick.

My Sensory Traits

I do experience some sensory traits, but they're not intense like some people would assume (unless I'm simply not noticing how intense they can be).

I can "smell" the summer heat, which was something I thought everybody else experienced but I'm wrong.

My retinas hurt in bright sunlight despite not looking anywhere near the sun, which I also thought everybody else experienced.

Drinks taste different or off in some way if they're not in a particular mug, glass, etc. that the drink is supposed to be in. (I have certain mugs that I enjoy my coffee in, but the other mugs? They taste off. I can't explain why. I have ONLY TWO acceptable little tumbler glasses for orange juice.)

Breakfast food does not taste like breakfast food unless it's on this one specific plate from my childhood.

Dinner can be iffy on certain plates, but the safest go-to is the knock-off blue willow plates.

Lunch is acceptable on anything, but if I'm having simply a sandwich, it must be on a small plate.

I have specific forks I'd prefer to use because of how they feel in my hand, how the food-part feels in my mouth, and how the fork itself tastes.

Gotta have cinnamon in my coffee. I just do. It's not coffee without it.

I cannot fucking handle hair snippets of any size for any reason on my body. This is why there is a rigid procedure to where my husband must buzz my hair over a paper-towel-covered sink (to avoid clogging the drain) while wearing a particular tanktop Harley Quinn night shirt, and then I must shower immediately afterwards. During the haircut, my skin itches like mad like I'm being poked by the hairs directly even in places where hair snippets have never, ever gone.

I'm overly sensitive to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes.

Also cannot brush teeth with cold water because it's so painful (this was LONG before I had dental issues and persists to this day). Even my tongue hurts from it.

I'm picky as fuck with candy. Trick-or-treating was sometimes difficult because all I cared about was either orange-flavored stuff, or chocolate. Only specific chocolates, too (Krackle, Mr. Goodbar, Crunch, Butterfinger, Reese's, that was it.) Skittles were okay, but a lot of the baggies I got had a LOT the red ones and the red ones suck. Can't stand the other candies. (But my tastes have changed since then, and I opt for European chocolate from Aldi's as they are far superior, especially Moser Roth's 70% dark chocolate and Choceur's coffee and cream chocolate.)

Speaking of candy, the Whopper's Robin's Eggs tasted better than regular Whoppers and I will never be able to explain why.

Despite loving orange flavored stuff, I have trust issues when I see an unlabeled orange candy because there's the dangerous chance it could be fucking peach flavored. *gag* (I like real peaches, but the artificial flavored ones suck balls.) Due to my dental situation, I cannot enjoy very much in a way of candy, and the only artificial orange flavoring I CAN enjoy is through Vitamin D gummies... And even then, EVEN THEN I have to worry about the fucking peach flavors if I have to go with a different brand because we can't get our hands on a bottle from Simple Truth.

Artificial cherry flavoring is death.

The ONLY flavored medicine that was acceptable to me was orange (of course) and those dissolving strips that were grape-flavored that they don't fucking make anymore because fuck me that's why. Everything else was peer-pressured to do shots kiddie edition.

The different colored coatings on M&M's taste different from one another and I cannot explain why. It's very subtle, hardly noticeable, BUT I CAN TELL.

Peanutbutter is fucking amazing.

The smell of peanutbutter is fucking not.

There are these frozen meals my husband gets for days he doesn't have energy to cook and one of them (all from the same brand) smells like fucking hell.

My husband's Nissan Cup Noodle ramen overpowers my incense despite what other household members say.

I love incense, especially dragonsblood, "coffee time," pumpkin spice, raven, and rain.

All of the autumn scents or scents associated with autumn are orgasmic to me.

The smell of artificial cherry is death.

I would love to have perfume or body spray of Play-Doh.

I can compare smells of some places to others, such as the library branch I frequent smells like my gradeschool, as do SOME of their books' pages, and when my husband and I walked through this hall-like tunnel-like storefront in downtown Pittsburgh, I said it smelled like my grandma's basement, and he thought the same, so we're in aggreeance that all grandma's basements smell the same. Except for my Baba and Deda's. Their basement smelled like they actually still enjoy life and had their shit together.

Speaking of gradeschool smells, my gradeschool had two directions of classrooms, one led towards the gym, but the hall off to the side was carpeted, had some nice colors, and held 2 kindergarten classes and 2 first grade classes. That section of the building had its distinctive smells. The other direction led to the office, the cafeteria, and the hall with the 2 classes of grades 2 through 5 plus the preschool and the art/music class was. The smell was different in all classes EXCEPT for the music/art class, and I never went to preschool so I wouldn't know what that smells like.

ALL PRINCIPLE OFFICES SMELL THE SAME. HOW.

I could smell when my husband accidentally put in cinnamon when he thought he grabbed paprika in a dish that I liked. He was terrified of telling me. That was a happy accident and it became a permanent ingredient. He was mortified and shocked that I could smell his whoopsie in my dinner he made me.

I can also smell the cinnamon they use in Little Caeser's pizza crust. Yes. They use cinnamon. But I was the only one to notice.

Honey is like peanutbutter: it tastes amazing. But holy shit fuck that smell.

Gas stations smell like death, sadness, and questioning life's choices.

No two people's car interiors smell alike.

I can smell when it will rain soon, especially if it's about to storm.

I'm the one who noticed that hairy white oldfield asters smell like cake batter.

Dominant yellow filling my entire vision can be sometimes painful.

I used to be able to "hear" the color yellow in my head so much I thought yellow actually made a noise. It was a particular shade of yellow, and it made this Playskool toy-like clicking bell ringing noise, but really obnoxiously, almost painfully. I don't know how to describe the shade other than "cloudy pastel lemon?" It looked like the fucking lemon-flavored medicine I had to take as a kid.

My parents tried mixing in this cherry flavored death medicine in with my orange soda thinking I wouldn't know the difference but I did, so I dumped it down the drain and opened a new can because that can of Big K orange was fucking ruined.

Orange is wonderful to my eyes. But it's a hard color for me to find when it comes to getting things in a particular color. My back-up colors are red, green, and purple.

The sunlight hurts my retinas, even when I'm not looking at the sky at all, but the pain intensity increases the further I look up on a sunny summer day. This has been like this since childhood. Prescriptive sunglasses shouldn't be fucking expensive and should be covered by healthcare insurance.

I have to try really FUCKING hard not to stare at someone's muscles in person because ugh... Good thing I rarely see anybody who's well-built. (No really, this isn't even really a sexual thing, I'm so fucking fascinated and once I realize "oh, so that particular muscle looks like that from that angle", I get a glimmer of hope that I MIGHT be able to draw something humanoid since I suck at drawing people.)

Orange trees as so pleasing to the eye, and these are much more socially acceptable to stare at, lest I'm in person and the property owner might think I'm plotting to steal some (luckily I've never been anywhere near a place that grows orange trees).

Neon lights are amazing and I want them to come the fuck back. I swear, stores were so much more enjoyable of an environment when they were common. Such lights improve my mood in a way I cannot describe. I'm no longer in a hurry to get home if I am in the presence of neon lights.

Sunny days during winter are painful because the sunlight reflects off the snow. I'm painfully blinded if I look outside or go anywhere.

I cannot handle the sight of someone having boogers/snot hanging from their nose, not the sight of someone vomiting, nor the sight of an syringe needle piercing flesh.

I cannot handle the sound of alarm clock bells. I have woken up in a rage and been in a bad mood I try so hard to suppress for a good portion of the day. If I hear an alarm clock bell now these days, I wanna take it and chuck it across the room regardless the time of day or if I'm already awake. It's not so bad if I hear it from a video. In person? That's starting a war with me.

Children crying or screaming (especially babies) are almost painful to me and triggers my fight-or-flight response.

The reason why I was the loudest mellophone player in marching band was to drown out hearing the fucking trumpets. And I did; I was louder than the trumpets. (I quit marching band my sophomore year but for different reasons.)

Much of the music from the 80s that gave it that sound that definitely said it's from the 80s is very pleasing to my ears.

I love punk music for its messages, lyrics, and energy, but goth always puts me into a headspace where I feel like I'm at home; I'm at peace and want to cuddle the monster under my bed.

However, some punk songs can hit deep or strong and live rent-free in my head, such as Anti-Flag's "Racist," Bikini Kill's "Rebel Girl," and Skarpretter's "Nazi Scum."

One particular artist's voice I cannot get over because his is the first voice of any kind that makes me wanna fan myself is Peter Steele of Type O Negative. My favorite song, however, is "All Hallow's Eve" because his voice, the subject, and the lyrical content.

I'm able to hear something off in the oscillating fan my husband likes to use before he notices it.

I'm the one who can hear coyotes at night (doesn't help my mom wants to blast westerns to drown out the world and I'm back here in my room away from that shit though).

I can hear the branches scraping against the house, gently making creepy noises before I realize what the fuck it is, BUT NOBODY ELSE HEARS IT.

I can recognize the call of a robin because we had so many at the house I grew up in, and nobody else in this family fucking noticed.

I tend to notice the sound of the rain over all the house noise first.

I don't like tight clothing, which is why I prefer bralettes because my tits hurt.

If I could, I'd go without the bra because the band can sometimes suddenly feel tighter than it actually is, but because I have large nipples, I kinda need that bra for a bit of protection.

Shorts can be tight around the crotch, hip joins, and lower belly region, and that's a big no-no for me.

I'd prefer baggy pants, honestly.

Can't have tight footwear. No.

The seam at the top of socks or tights hurt my pinky toes if the whole sock/tights shift that way.

I already covered the hair snippet thing so since this is the sense of touch, another body hair thing is I kinda don't wanna shave my pits anymore because they are extremely itchy when they grow back. HAVE to shave my crotch because if I don't it gets horribly itchy, and my thick, fast-growing hair weaves into underwear, gets caught in pads, etc.

Ah yes. Pads. I hate them, but they're far more acceptable than a tampon or a cup because I have vaginismus.

Certain fabric textures are itchy as hell. There's a black shirt I have whose collar and cuffs are gorgeous but I have to wear something underneath to avoid feeling itchy.

Winter is hell for me here in the midwest, as I am very susceptible to the cold to the point of pain, especially in my fingers and toes. I become very slow, too. I feel like I can't get warm enough most of the time.

Air conditioned places in the summer feel almost similar, so I don't always wear shorts if I'm expected to go into, say, a Walmart with my husband to pick up everything. I'll shiver.

(We're gonna get into TMI territory here.) Can't masturbate by hand unless I've got a nitrile glove on because my brain only focuses on what my fingers are touching more than what my cunt feels.

Can't have any sex with my husband without anything brighter than low-light because things can be visually distracting in the room, or lights can suddenly feel way too bright to me. (Halloween string lights or those LED rope lights with adjustable brightness features and colors are excellent for this situation.)

In Conclusion

This is all that I've figured out so far. None of this hit me at once as a realization when I figured out that I'm Autistic. This took a while to realize it, and the realizations were mostly at random times through examples of other people experiencing it on the internet or through me going, "Huh, is that an Autistic trait?"

There may be even more that I'm currently unaware of or have forgotten to type here.

I apologize for how extremely lengthy this was. This took all day to type because of having to get up and do other things that needed to be done. One of the reasons why I really wanted to type this is because it's much easier to organize this on a computer, and I am absolutely shit at organizing files on my computer.

Unfortunately, while my husband is wonderful in supporting me, my parents aren't exactly all that great at it. Especially my dad, who is either vaguely dismissive or outright "forgets" that I'm Autistic (he honestly just... doesn't care, and tries to make things convenient for him at the expense of others most of the time). My mom... I'm not real sure. There are times where she seems to remember and others where she doesn't. I'm honestly wondering if they don't like knowing that I'm Autistic because that means my brother would have been as his traits were far more obvious than mine.

I hope that whoever is questioning whether or not they're Autistic has found this helpful at least in the sense that it would point you in the right direction on where to go next, but I would highly recommend checking out online Autistic communities, as that's where I've discovered that I'm on the spectrum.

[unpopularwiththepopulace]

Here Lies Jenny: Bebe Neuwirth’s under-remembered masterpiece?

While Bebe Neuwirth is often remembered foremost for her presence in worlds like Chicago, Cheers or Fosse, there’s another piece in the tapestry of her work that brings many notable threads together and is equally significant to her.

Here Lies Jenny is the somewhat under-discussed piece of theatre that in fact has connections to all three of these aforementioned things, because of the people she worked herself on creating it with, and deserves to be brought up with slightly more comparable frequency. 

A moment then to explore some of the history of this elusive but important show.

Here Lies Jenny, recalled as a “surprise off Broadway hit”, opened at the Zipper Theatre in downtown Manhattan in May 2004 and ran there for five months.

The show was an interpretive revue of the music of German composer, Kurt Weill, born out of an idea Bebe had herself. It was shaped by collaboration with close friends – with its initial genesis assisted by Leslie Stifelman (the show’s pianist, who she’d worked with on Chicago), direction by Roger Rees (who she’d long known and worked with since their time on Cheers together), and choreography by Ann Reinking (who was Bebe’s closest dance companion in the Fosse universe).

Set in a dark and shadowy looking barroom, the piece followed Bebe as the central, amorphous female figure named ‘Jenny’, supported by three male cast members and a pianist, through an evening of carefully selected Weill songs. Alongside Bebe and Leslie on stage were Gregory Butler and Shawn Emamjomeh, as two rough denizens of the bar, and Ed Dixon as the general proprietor.

There was no linear storyline to the show and no spoken dialogue, but Bebe described how the evening unfolded “in a very logical and emotional, fulfilling way.” All of the songs presented “[described] the interaction between these five people there, that make it necessary to sing the next song.” Rather than taking a group of songs by a particular composer and imposing a narrative on them, the songs were interwoven together to create an “impressionistic and realistic painting of this person’s life.”

To give a summary of the show’s arc, Jenny initially descends the wire staircase into the bar, with little more than a frightened expression and a small bag of wordly possessions. Accosted by the two forceful patrons, she’s flattened down both physically and emotionally. The men depart and return throughout, and the emotional core of the piece fluctuates from song to song as each number evokes a different picture and interpretation of a circumstance or feeling. As reviewers put it, “she’s sometimes bold, sometimes reticent, until she leaves…with what seems like a modicum of self-possession and hope,” and “climbs that long staircase on her way into the world again.”

The idea for creating Here Lies Jenny came out of Bebe’s own desire to put together a piece of theatre and an evening of performance of her own. It was a notion intensified by growing external interest, or as she recalled, “people have always said to me ‘Do a show, do a show, do a one woman show!’”

But for a while the form the piece would take was unclear. Bebe knew she “didn’t want to do a revue”, and she didn’t want “the usual cabaret thing… [or] ‘Bebe and Her Boys.’”

“I generally hate one women shows,” she would remark, “unless it’s Elaine Stritch or Chita Rivera or, you know, Patti LuPone.”

According to Bebe, she’s “much more comfortable as a character doing something. I'm not comfortable just being myself and singing in front of people.”

On and off for around two and a half years then, Bebe had been considering how to approach this matter while putting together some music, predominantly that of Kurt Weill, with musician, conductor and friend from Chicago, Leslie Stifelman.

Leslie suggested bringing in a director, so Bebe turned to Roger Rees – a person she regards as “not just a great actor,” but also “a fantastic director”, with a “very interesting creative mind.” Showing Roger the songs, he “realised that they all described women, or aspects of women, or different times in women’s lives.”

Roger thought it would be interesting then to combine all of these varied sentiments and have them channelled through one specific woman, in one specific location, to present a complex but diversely applicable tapestry centred around the emotional interiority of one tangible female force.

The show is “fragmented, prismatic…less narrative than poetic,” according to Roger. It’s not prescriptive. Rather, it evokes strong feelings and allows the audience to interpret them into their own individual and personal narrative for this woman. It poses questions and provokes thoughts. Who is this woman? Why is she here? Why is she here now? Is that a child? Or is that just a wish for a child? What did she have in this life before we meet her and what has she now lost?

It is indeed an unusual entity, and atypical from other more standard revues, cabaret acts, or works of theatre. A “self-described Japanophile”, Bebe explained how it played in the “Japanese aesthetic concept known as wabi sabi.” Of this she would elaborate, “There’s no direct translation, but it’s about the beauty of things as they age, embracing what’s painful in life as well as what’s joyful.”

It is certainly a piece that contains beauty as well as pain, which itself is a complexity and dichotomy often ascribed to Kurt Weill’s music.

When initially finding and working on songs for what was to become Here Lies Jenny, Bebe noticed being drawn to the work of one composer most strongly.

Like Bernadette Peters talking about how she gravitates to selecting Stephen Sondheim’s material for her concerts, Bebe would say simply, “all of the music that I loved the most was Kurt Weill music.”

A revue in 1991 called Cabaret Verboten (also with Roger Rees), that sought to recreate a Weimar Republic cabaret and re-conjure some of the decadence of pre-Nazi Germany, increased Bebe’s exposure to Kurt Weill’s music and was where she “first became captivated by the composer”. Building on this strong connection and deep appreciation in the years since then, Bebe would assert of his music, “it resonates for me.”

“Neuwirth knows Weill’s music isn’t for everyone,” one reviewer wrote, “but she won’t apologize for it.” She sees its capacity to be “appreciated on many different levels,” and has described it on varying occasions as “unflinchingly honest”, “very fulfilling to perform”, not just “arch and angular and Germanic…[as] many people think”, but as having “great lyricism and tenderness”.

Bebe feels a strong affinity for Weill’s music in part because of its “ability to convey the truth completely and fearlessly and without artifice”. For example, “If you're talking about heartbreak, [his music] goes to the absolute nth degree of what that really means. The way he shows that is with fearless lyrics and the bravery to make the music as beautiful as it can be.”

“Maybe the way I appreciate it speaks to the kind of person I am,” she would say. “I’m very bright but not an intellectual. I like things in a visceral, passionate and spiritual way.” And to Bebe, Weill’s music certainly provides that – which was why devising this show was of such importance and significance to her.

 Bebe said also that “the show offers the broad range of Weill's songwriting talents.” This is indeed a truism, with the work of no fewer than ten different lyrists being showcased across the nearly two dozen songs during the evening, including Berthold Brecht, Ira Gershwin, Alan Jay Lerner, Langston Hughes, and Ogden Nash.

The different styles and languages of Kurt Weill’s music mirror Weill’s own history and geographic progression through the world. Born in Germany, “Weill, a Jew, had to flee the Nazis at the height of his popularity. He fled to France and then to the United States, where he became a citizen in 1943.”

His songs reflect the world in which he was living. For instance, ‘The Bilbao Song’ is a tale of sometimes gleeful, sometimes regretful nostalgia and comes from a collaboration with Berthold Brecht in German. It is performed here only in English through the use of “Michael Feingold's now-accepted translation”. The Brechtian-ism is a feature of this production as a whole that was remarked on at the time, being appraised there was “more than a dash of an alienation effect at play,” with material being sung for example behind grilled windows or facing away from the audience.

His French material is alternately reflective of the musical identity Weill tried to devise while having to reinvent himself from scratch in France. Bebe performs one of these French numbers here, entitled ‘Je ne t'aime pas’, which has its own poetic lyricism, and indeed mournful significance, given the translation of the title as ‘I don’t love you’.

Alternately, jazzy, Broadway glamour is comparatively evident in some songs like ‘The Saga of Jenny’ from musicals that arose in America on the Great White Way out of the era of Golden Age of the American musical in the ‘40s to the 60’s.

This show was ambitious then, in its mission of exploring a wide range of the composer’s musical contributions across multiple decades, countries, styles of music, and lyrical collaborations.

Beyond his own musicals, Kurt Weill’s music has been notably seen elsewhere on Broadway or in the theatre world via interpretations such as songs in concerts with Betty Buckley, Patti LuPone, Ute Lemper; or full stage productions with Donna Murphy as Lotte Lenya in Hal Prince’s 2007 Lovemusik; or Lenya’s recordings herself.

Much of Kurt Weill’s legacy lives on through his wife, Lotte Lenya, who was seen as his “chief interpreter… [and] largely responsible for reviving interest in the composer” after his death.

Like Lotte with her “whisky baritone”, Bebe is able to convey meaningful interpretations of Weill’s music through her vocal richness and skilled acting choices, carefully controlling factors like timing, pronunciation and syllabic stress.

An example. Bebe does the most satisfying version of ‘The Bilbao Song’ I have heard. There’s a line in this song that states: “Four guys from ‘frisco came with sacks of gold dust,” in which the last portion of the phrase is repeated a further two times. Bebe emphasises the third “SACKS, of gold dust?!” in the dramatic manner stylised through my punctuation in attempts at recreating its phonology, which contrasts against the two previous readings. This gives the line a salient narrative purpose. It conveys not just an observation, but a tale of surprise and incredulity – who on earth would walk into a bar carrying entire sacks of gold dust?

It may be seemingly just one small detail, but it has a large impact. Other versions that intonate all three repetitions of this line the same miss this engaging variation and feel flat in comparison.

This song would justly so later become a staple of her concert material – along with others like ‘Surabaya Johnny’ and ‘Susan’s Dream’.

But there is unfamiliar territory traversed in Here Lies Jenny too. The rendition of Ogden Nash’s lyrics with ‘I'm a Stranger Here Myself’ is ‘new’ – and it’s exquisite, in its melodic, lilting and playful but darkly seductive swirling sentiment.

Another notable number in need of individual mention would be ‘The Saga of Jenny’. There are two Kurt Weill songs most strongly associated with the ‘Jenny’ moniker – this, and the also well-known ‘Pirate Jenny’ from The Threepenny Opera, which Bebe had done a production of in 1999. The latter was trialled in early versions of the show but ultimately didn’t “serve the piece as well as other…moments could,” so was taken out. Fortunately, Bebe would later work it into her concerts.

The former made it in, and provides the exciting opportunity to get to hear Bebe’s take on this song as made well-known by a number of respected performers. ‘The Saga of Jenny’ appeared initially in Weill & Gershwin’s collaboration for the musical Lady in the Dark in 1941, starring Gertrude Lawrence. The song has since gone through innumerable reiterations, such as via Ginger Rogers in the 1944 film adaptation of the same name; Julie Andrews’ big-production performance in the Gertrude Lawrence biopic Star! in 1968; and other high-profile concert performances like via Ruthie Henshall, Christine Ebersole, Lynn Redgrave and Ute Lemper; along with Lotte Lenya’s own recordings.

Further extending the song’s life was ‘The Saga of Lenny’ – a version devised with new lyrics by Stephen Sondheim, performed by Lauren Bacall for Leonard Bernstein’s 70th Birthday in 1988. All of these are on YouTube and I would testify are worth a watch.

In this show, Bebe performs the number with the bravado of a war-time songbird. She strides around with an old-school 1940s microphone back and forth across the stage as she progresses through the song’s distinct chronological sections, grounding the show centrally back to its identifying moniker and characterising an eponymous, engaging and multiply varied ‘Jenny’.

When not bound to microphones, Here Lies Jenny also involved the use of Ann Reinking’s “minimal but inventive” choreography to create striking visual images. Though perhaps not resembling the fast-paced, razzle-dazzle of Chicago, these patterns of movement are at times no less impactful. Bebe is dragged fluidly across a countertop, rolled sinuously down pairs of legs, centred in a dark tango (that one review likened as a potential metaphor for a ménage à trois), or spun backwards upside down onto Emamjomeh’s shoulder in the air – to name a few notable moments.

Not a dance show by any strict sense, all of these demands are nonetheless physically taxing. This is a matter of importance given the timing of the show.

What Bebe had long deemed a “peculiar” hip from her early twenties, begun causing notable pain when it “went from peculiar to downright bad in 2001” during Fosse on Broadway. It was recorded the “pain continued during [this] high-concept Kurt Weill revue” in 2004, such that performing this manner of movement in the show can have been no trivial feat. The next three years brought subsequent arthroscopic surgery for cartilage removal, and then total hip replacement.

That being considered, the show was able to run in the highly demanding manner it did for five months straight because of Ann Reinking’s assiduously crafted choreography.

The Zipper Theatre was the “funky downtown Manhattan space” that housed the show for that time. The timing of the production and the nature of the theatre played integral parts in the piece’s characterisation.

Roger took Bebe to see the theatre when they were devising the show, and to Bebe, it felt right. “There is this creative gesture that we are making and the gesture is completed if it’s in this place.” Not in some new, shiny theatre; but here, with a darkness and sense of history that created an evocative mood similar to the tone of the whole show “as soon as you walked into the building.” This was aided by the show beginning at 11pm each night – “absolutely an artistic choice” – given that what “happens between these five people, happens very late at night”, in a shadowy time of day filled by darkness and secrets.

Here Lies Jenny ended its run in New York in October 2004. But this did not mark the end of the piece. Bebe and her troupe took the show to San Francisco in the Spring the following year – after a seven month interim that included filming thirteen episodes of Law and Order: Trial by Jury, the aforementioned hip cartilage removal, and subsequent recovery.

The show was not deemed flawless by everyone who reviewed it. Some thought it too dark or wished for less abstraction and ambiguity. But as one article would conclude, “Faults aside, it’s hard not to recommend a show devoted to Kurt Weill,” ultimately providing a “unique and polished evening at the theatre.”

Roger Rees would reflect on the show, “Weill & Neuwirth work so well together” because Bebe’s “high standard of performance” means she is able to “delve deeply and go on forever” into material he likened to being as complex as Shakespeare.

It “demands a great deal from a performer, and she is equal to it,” Roger said. “She’s very deep in herself. There’s nothing made up about [her], which is a rare and beautiful thing. The match between performer and material is exquisite.”

 This would likely mean a lot to Bebe, as the show itself meant a lot to Bebe. And still does several years later. She would cite it in 2012 as the “role she wish[ed] more people had seen”, as to her, it “was a beautiful, unusual piece of theatre”. Altogether, it was something ineffable and “bigger than the sum of its parts”.

“It’s something I've wanted to do, and I did instigate it,” she said, of putting the show together. But that’s not to say it was easy to helm matters. “For me to be in charge, makes me very uncomfortable.”

That the show got made at all then Bebe would recognise as “a testament to how deeply I love the material and how inspired it makes me.” Her trust in people like Leslie, Annie and Roger enabled the creation of such a project from the ground up that wouldn’t have otherwise existed. Thus, to borrow a phrase from Stephen Sondheim, it was the combination of both personal drive, and also the shared collaboration of four people who all “love each other very much” that ultimately ‘made a hat where there never was a hat.’

It was even further an important show to her, because it was “a very private thing.” She’d describe Jenny as a very physical and emotional role – “the most personal of anything I've done.”

It clearly holds a special place in Bebe’s own heart. Undoubtedly, it would be poignant to revisit again. As we look to the near future of theatre with shows that could feasibly be staged as events start coming back, in tandem with the publicly expressed desire of people wanting to see Bebe back on stage again, this pre-existing, modestly-sized, inventive piece would be no bad suggestion.

How about a Here Lies Jenny reprise when theatre returns?

[chrisemrysfics]

What I always loved about Wangxian is that you can headcanon what you wish about their gender and orientation, and the ways their dynamic can go, because the very basis is the unconditional they give each other. However they present as, whoever they are, their values are what truly make them, and it is through these values they connect, bond, find this deep pull, and learn to make it healthy, all without conditions.

If someone shift the values, it can still be Wangxian, because the dynamic can mirror the canon one, and it is simply the values that changed. Not everyone might feel like its still Wangxian, but others will find something they enjoy from this.

So back to gender and orientation: I don’t know if MTXT did this purposefully or if its an unexpected result of the mix between their values, and their dynamics, but I find that, however you headcanon them, you can find canon reasons behind it.

Al “block” canon gives us is that we see their masculine bodies, so its in theory “not canon” to view them as trans men... unless you make believable that there is surgery, Xianxia-style.

Another “block” is that we seem them be physically intimate, implying that purely canonically, they are either sex-positive or sex-neutral. They also both have their kinks and shown with libido. However, libido is actually different than attraction, it isn’t because you can day-dream and dream and feel aroused by something, that you will enjoy the reality of it.

So at most, they are sex-neutral or sex-positive ace spectrum, have libido, and simply didn’t separate their libido from attraction, and so tested out their libido-desires and found it pleasant. In the same manner, while they’re rather strongly shown as romantic, they might also still be aro spectrum, and have such a deep, platonic bond, that they assume its romantic, especially if they do enjoy physical intimacy and emotional intimacy.

In term of gender, they are comfortable with who they are. Wei Wuxian has no issue making himself more feminine, because he knows it does not de-valuate who he is. Whether he is cis, trans, non binary, agender, etc, he’s comfortable with who he is, and the same way, Lan Wangji show no issue with it. He’s also shown to not mind “feminine roles”, for example, he is directly mirroring Jiang Yanli has a cook, and cooking for people they love. Wei Wuxian dreams show Lan Wangji in “roles” more often seen in the wife, and yet, it is Wei Wuxian who jokes that he is the wife/can get pregnant.

In addition, for all that Lan Wangji is seen topping, I would argue that Wei Wuxian is the dominant. He’s the one who riles Lan Wangji up, and directs everything, he’s the one speaking, deciding the scene he wants. He does seem to enjoy being in the vulnerable position, as if he has no control and its all given to Lan Wangji, but it makes him both dominant and submissive, the same way Lan Wangji end up both submissive and dominant.

In short: I view Wangxian as actually outside any gender or orientation.

Somehow, someway, the way they are written, the way their dynamic work, they can fit any gender and orientation you give them.

If MXTX meant to do this, or at least, to show them as not fitting the traditional hetero-norm, it worked, maybe more than MXTX might have hoped or realized, and if MXTX didn’t mean to, it means the basis of their dynamic and the dynamic themselves were so well written, that it transcends the “headcanon” of MXTX for her canon.

As for my person headcanons that just resonate with me the most:

I see Wei Wuxian as pan-romantic demi-sexual, with libido and sex-neutral. I also view him as either a man who doesn’t mind femininity in his masculinity, or he doesn’t really care about gender, and he likes his body, so he just goes with it, but also he goes with what he likes.

I see Lan Wangji has demi-romantic grey-sexual, with libido and sex-positive, and similarly to Wei Wuxian, he’s either a man who has no issue with anything seen as feminine, or isn’t really caring about gender and is simply comfortable in his own body.

To give a few words of how this formed for me: out of the two, Lan Wangji seems to be the one who is the first to seek the physical intimacy, which can mean he’s more sex-positive than Wei Wuxian, who seem to enjoy the idea of it (libido) but doesn’t actively seek it (sex-neutral).

Wei Wuxian as demi sexual is because he only truly show active attraction once he’s formed a deep bond with Lan Wangji, and has become aware of his own feelings (has stopped being in denial, I do also headcanon he wasn’t oblivious but rather in denial, which can end up making him half blind himself). Meanwhile, Lan Wangji as grey is because he pretty much went from “nope” to “yes” but for a single person. He could have worked as demi, however, personally I view demi as needing that bond (which he wouldn’t have at the start), while I view gray as more “rare but it happens” (without a bond first, the way allosexual can feel attracted physically very early on, sometimes right from meeting).

Lan Wangji being demi romantic is because he did need to let himself develop a bond toward Wei Wuxian (acceptance to his attraction), before he felt love. He was attracted, he felt drawn, but he fell in love once he allowed it to happen, and its through the bonds they formed. Potentially, grey-romantic can work, or homoromantic too, if we consider he might just not have met anyone he had felt drawn to. However, his reactions to his initial crush/attraction can imply he never felt like this before, and so, Wei Wuxian is the first to actually make him feel attracted, be it romantically, sexually, or both.

I’d say Wei Wuxian can be called bi romantic or pan romantic, it depends how you view the terms. As Wei Wuxian is not faced with someone he realizes is non-binary/agender/etc, we only see him show consideration for feminine people/women, and masculine people/men, he might only show attraction toward Lan Wangji, however, to me its both that he thinks his appreciation of a man’s beauty has nothing to do with attraction (which can also link with his demi sexuality!), and that he’s sort of “stuck” in hetero-normativity.

I’d say for Lan Wangji, what happened with his parents might have broken any “rainbow and sunshine” he had about the hetero norm around him, he knew het couples can be miserable, and in addition, the Lan actively separate men and women, and adding the roles, I’d say a result is that the Lan children and teen are not exposed to het couples, and rather can only ever be exposed to their own parents. So Lan Wangji only truly had his own parents example, and his non wedded Uncle.

On the other end, Wei Wuxian had het parents who loved each other (so an example of healthy hetero couples), the Jiang leaders (an unhealthy het couple), Jiang Yanli’s example (for him she deserved to be loved as she is), and speaking of Jiang Yanli, while it is purely familial, she did show him unconditional love. So Wei Wuxain actively had example of both healthy and unhealthy het couple, and has been shown unconditional love... which Lan Wangji didn’t get to have or see!

That’s why Wei Wuxian is actively comfortable following his own values and being himself: he understands het couples can work or not work out, and he understands from Jiang Yanli what it means to be loved without conditions. Meanwhile, Lan Wangji has been taught the values of self control and righteousness, yet he’s never had healthy couples presented to him, and anything mature was pretty much only meant to be dealt with if he got engaged and left for wedding night and after. If he never felt attracted, he potentially assumed he would never marry, or be politically married.

Meanwhile, Wei Wuxian had no rules that prevented him to explore, and its important because this explain why he flirts and yet we can see he doesn’t pursue: he understands he likes the idea of it, that he does enjoy feminine bodies (and potentially he does see men beauty), but he realized he doesn’t actively seek it. He realized he want to save himself up, including kissing, for the person he will actively want to share his life with. In short: he’s basing himself of his parents and the idea of unconditional love.

That’s why he only truly accept his own feelings in his second life: Lan Wangji didn’t know how to show he loved Wei Wuxian unconditionally (be it platonic with sex in it, or queerplatonic, or romantic), so Wei Wuxian didn’t realize Lan Wangji was someone he could find what his parents had and have it be unconditional. However, the moment Lan Wangji showed unconditional love, Wei Wuxian was thrown off guard, and started to notice how he felt all over again, and he realized “hey maybe its possible after all”.

Before, in his first life, he denied himself because he thought Lan Wangji hated him and/or disapproved of him, which mean Wei Wuxian thought the love was conditional. Because of Wei Wuxian self esteem issues, he didn’t see any blame, because Wei Wuxian himself viewed himself as not worthy of Lan Wangji unconditional love, thus he wasn’t surprised by not receiving it (or so he thought), but here is where we can see how important it is for him to be loved unconditionally: because he perceived he wouldn’t be loved unconditionally, he did not pursue Lan Wangji.

He had feelings for Lan Wangji, but be it subconsciously (oblivious) or somewhat consciously (in denial), he refused to sacrifice his own values behind a partner (unconditional love), because he did know he could be loved unconditionally (by a sister), however he also considered that he had lost his worth (or maybe even didn’t have any, and only Jiang Yanli could love him without condition as his sister, almost mother).

So its only when Lan Wangji showed love without condition, thus also implying he sees worth in Wei Wuxian, but never asking anything out of him, that Wei Wuxian subconscious finally allowed the consideration of Lan Wangji as a romantic partner.

Both of them, funnily enough, knew what they wanted: Lan Wangji realized he wanted Wei Wuxian, while Wei Wuxian knew he wanted a partner who would love with without conditions.

So Lan Wangji had to learn to express himself properly and show he would love without conditions (which is exactly the growth he had to go through!), and Wei Wuxian had to see and realize that Lan Wangji loved him and it was unconditional (which is what happened!).

And it is as I’ve said: it transcends the gender or orientation you assign, because at the core, its all about unconditional love, one character seeking to express themselves and learn to show its unconditional, and another character seeking to receive this and share this with someone capable of unconditional love.

In the end, they both are capable of unconditional love, and that’s why they are so in tune with their own values: regardless of their self esteem/worth, they actively see their own values and accept these unconditionally, and seek to apply them. Lan Wangji struggled a bit more with public opinion, which is due to growing in a space that assigned punishment and wrongs a lot more than the rest of the world they lived in, while Wei Wuxian struggled with how much he allowed, due to growing up being blamed for things he knew, deep down, he wasn’t the cause of.

Lan Wangji then had the pro side of knowing the punishment/wrong were “alright right to give”, while Wei Wuxian grew up knowing he only had his own moral compass to follow, since he would get punished unfairly. Thus, Lan Wangji had to break free of a “moral compass” that proved faulty eventually and for his own (that still kept what worked of the old one), while Wei Wuxian always followed his own.

This, again, played a part in Lan Wangji needed to learn to express and show his love as unconditional (because he needed to figure things out after he realized what he grew up with didn’t fit him anymore) and Wei Wuxian staying true  to his heart, including that he wanted a partner that offered unconditional love, while also thinking that he had no worth, or at least fewer worth that others (and so that anyone “more worthy than him” would “of course” not show him unconditional love).

I love Wangxian so all of this, because it shows both finding and following your own values, and unconditional love. They show there is no shame either behind waiting for the one you feel is the right one for you, but also that you can still want them to show unconditional love. And they also show, as a bonus, a healthy physical intimacy, which include being able to face your own desires without judging yourself, and the absolute trust between the partners.

And that’s all happening side by side with their growth as people, learning to communicate more clearly and honestly, forgiving themselves while also knowing where you actively hurt others (did “wrong”) and where people put on your false blame (Wei Wuxian says it, he’ll accept his own faults, but he doesn’t allow others to blame him for what he didn’t do), learning and knowing their own values, and following these.

That’s why, regardless of what they did, MXTX has called them good people: everyone can make mistakes, however, it is how you deal with them that is the truthful indicator.

They both are able to recognize where they are truly at fault, and where there false blame, and when they perceived they are at fault, they seek to correct these (apologize, seek punishment or accept punishment, which is acceptable in their system, do what is needed to correct it). Meanwhile, if they see injustice, they seek to correct that, and the issues they face is because of the lack of fairness and objective thinking from others, for example black and white mentality is based on not being able to be objective, as you need to be objective to deal with the “grey” areas (its also a matter of an extremely judgmental system that will view as not even human and worthy of anything, anyone who they consider “wrong”).

Their values, their hearts, are in the place of fairness, justice, the “good” place, and its because of the outside system that they face issues, both due to how the environment raised them, and the ways people reacted to them as they try to be true to their own values and hearts.

And that’s why, when they find each other, they feel so drawn to each other: they recognize, subconsciously, that they match. Its only once they learned to go past the issues caused by how they grew up, and go past any worry about the system around them, that they realized how the other felt, and allowed themselves to become a couple, and stand together in the values they share.

And the most beautiful factor, what really make me so happy with this story, is that they have a happy ending.

Its so easy, too easy, to see fictions end up harming or “punishing” or de-valuating people who are trying to be true to themselves, or pushing an agenda on what is “right” or “wrong”. Its too easy to find bittersweet and bad ending, or that happy ending are so often hetero-normative or are, sure, great to see if you like the people involved, but rarely show an happy ending for actual unconditional love.

But here, we have a couple that transcend the hetero-normative speech, who faced mob mentality and extremely judgemental people, who faced the scars of their childhood, who found each other, recognized their equal, and who were able to know their own values, and follow their heart, while learning from their mistakes, and being capable of seeing their own faults, and who found unconditional love together, also showing it to a child that is considered their own in their heart, and they have their happy ending, where they promise each other for life (and beyond), and live the way they truthfully want.

This story packs so many things that feels so important, so is it any surprise how much we can love it?

Its just sad when we forget or don’t see all the reasons its such a lovely story, but I’m glad for every single person who find MDZS because, subconsciously or consciously, it says so many things that need to be seen and heard in our own real life, that anyone who touch MDZS will seen things that will speak to them, whether they realize it or not.