#is impulse buying a disorder should i go to therapy??

[pseudovmpire]

Sometime in the next few weeks I will open my mailbox and HE will be there.

[princess-of-the-corner]

I think what bothers me the most about Marinette’s behaviour, is the way I see myself portrayed in her.

I am on the spectrum for Ausbergers, ADD and anxiety disorders, and I do, or did, many of the things Marinette does. I have abysmal impulse control, and I used to take things without thinking about the consequences of taking the thing. I also had the schedule of every single one of my friends in high school on my calendar, and to this day, every member of my family is on there, even if I don’t particularly talk to or like them. I would buy or bring people things because I saw a thing and thought of them, but I would also hold in thoughts and emotions that were detrimental to me because I thought I couldn’t tell people. Many of the things I see Marinette doing, I either do, or remember doing.

And what annoys and hurts me most is how they are shown as “good” or “harmless” characteristics. 

I got caught shoplifting and had to go through a lot of therapy to stop from just taking things. It was a compulsion I had to fight against, and though I mostly succeeded, sometimes I still feel it. Bringing people stuff became such a compulsion that when I didn’t, I felt like I had failed somehow. To this day, I have difficulty communicating my feelings, even to myself, because it was so ingrained in me to keep them secret and not cause trouble.

Having the schedule for all of my friends was weird. Like, no justifications, I didn’t need to know when Lesley had a dentist appointment, or when Jake was going to visit his grandparents. These are things that did not affect me, I did not need to know or write down. It was, and still is, a coping mechanism that makes me feel more secure, knowing what’s happening to the people around me. Like, they all thought it was weird. They let me do it, but none of us were under the impression it wasn’t weird. But there’s the important bit, THEY ALL KNEW ABOUT IT. I did not, ever, violate their privacy to find out information, I just asked. Heck, sometimes they didn’t even tell me exactly what they were doing! Just “Hey, between 3 and 5pm on Saturday I’m doing something, don’t try to call me then, I’ll be busy”. That was usually enough.

I could keep going, but my point is, I have a lot of compulsions and habits that I have to either fight or work around on a daily basis. Things that I know can be taken out of context and misconstrued if I’m not careful. Things that I could, and was, judged pretty harshly for. And to see a show take those traits and normalize them in such an ugly, toxic way is … honestly really painful.

-

Yeah it’s.

I think it was one thing back in Season 1-4 when these behaviors were portrayed as something over the top that only happens in fiction, especially cartoons. I think it went a little far at times and should have had a little more ‘this is wrong to do (instead of having a fireman help Mari peep into Adrien’s windows), but things like ‘character steals a phone/commits mail crimes/breaks and enters to keep someone else from receiving a message they didn’t intend to send’ is a very common trope and I’m not going to dig into it /that/ much. 

But when Season 5 came and gave us things like Derision where it went from ‘brush it off as cartoony behavior’ to ‘oh no this is stuff we are supposed to take 100% seriously as a trauma response but it’s totally okay because Marinette only had ‘good’ reasons for doing this so that cancels out the fact that it was bad’.

/That/ is when it becomes a problem/

[felixschokehold]

Can I have headcanons for Aro x reader with OCD/ intrusive thoughts? Like really intense ones that leave them feeling really upset and ashamed about their thoughts. Thoughts about hurting others and the thoughts scare them. Thank you 💕

Of course, dear anon :)

I will write this with what I've personally experienced with these types of intrusive thoughts, which I hope is alright.

I suppose a general Content Warning for intrusive and violent thoughts towards self and others should be labeled here. I'll put a "read more" for those who do not accidentally want to see anything beyond this point.

Aro has seen a lot in his over three thousand years as a vampire.

But what never ceases to amaze him is the complexity and ruthlessness of the human brain and the pain it causes to the soul it's attached to.

Vampires, of course, can go through grief, depression, etc. I mean, look at Marcus. But it was just different for vampires. Unless their mate was taken from them, or unless there were vampires like Victoria whose gifts were created from their mental state as a human, vampires generally did not struggle with the same struggles as humans did with mental health.

Aro's initial shock at this human's mental state would be almost apparent; his eyes would widen as he looked at the poor soul before him. His hand would almost flinch away from them, but he knew that this would cause the human great distress.

I think Aro would be quite apprehensive to read anyone's mind who suffered from severe mental health issues as it would feel almost too intrusive. Not only that, but I think it would affect him; he would feel pity or sympathy, and he really dislikes having to feel any human emotion that isn't a replica of a manic high that people with mood disorders feel. He wants no part of feeling sorry for anyone and would be quite avoidant.

But, if Aro grew to enjoy the company of the human, platonically or otherwise, I imagine he would learn to cope better with the readings.

That exam you didn't get the perfect A on that makes you want to impulsively drive your car into a group of people? Well, Aro will help you study. He doesn't like the nightmares you suffer from having such terrible thoughts you didn't actually want to act on.

The shirt you're trying to iron out isn't smoothing and you want to grab the nearest pencil and shove it into the closest person's eye socket? Aro will take the shirt and try the steamer on it. He doesn't like the self loathing you feel for yourself, and he really doesn't like the thought of you thinking you should shove the pencil through your own eye socket just for the thought invading your brain.

The shopping trip you went on went perfectly until you typed in your pin number with the wrong finger and now your entire day is ruined; in the moment you thought that perhaps if you could blow the entire store to ruin with everyone inside it might make everything better. When you get home, Aro takes your hand to see in your memories what coping skill would help best in this situation and does what he sees. Maybe it's a bath. Maybe it's going back to the store to buy a candy bar just to be able to type in the pin number with the right finger this time. Or maybe it's your favorite meal, cooked only the way you like it and served on your favorite plate with your favorite fork.

Aro would be surprised to find himself willingly taking your hand during these moments of shame, embarrassment, self hatred, etc just so he can understand you better and understand how to help you.

I also think that Aro would pick up a book or two and try to learn what he can about this condition and different coping mechanisms to subtly teach if his human companion feels too afraid or embarrassed to go to therapy themselves.

[soulofarat]

eating disorders need to be handled differently. Im going off, sorry in advance.

In high school, i was sat down with the rest of my health class, instructed by our gym teacher. This is where i had my “education” about eating disorders, though i was dealing with one secretly. 

He talked about them as if they were a crime. He told us how to know if someone has an ed (they’ll wear baggy dark clothing, they’ll avoid food), and to tell on them. He told us it’s for women only. We made jokes about it. We had to watch a terribly inaccurate movie portraying eating disorders.

This movie was full of tips on how to hide an ed that i remember 7 years later. He must not have interpreted it that way. 

I learned to be a better liar and i learned that people will hate me and pity me and find me revolting and call me ignorant and force feed me with a tube in a hospital if they ever found out. 

So i kept quiet. 

When i was 16 and my family found out i was purging, they sat me down intervention style and SCREAMED at me. My uncle, my aunt, and my grandmother all sat at a table and yelled at me about my biggest secret. They called me gross, immature, and compared me to my birth mother who struggled with the same thing.

They made me feel some of the most intense shame i’d ever felt. I felt stripped naked.

They took away my coping mechanisms (internet, tumblr account, certain TV shows, scale). They didn’t allow me to heal by choice or leave my coping mechanisms behind on my own because they thought my ed was a silly girl thing that I could quit whenever. But it wasn’t ever that simple.

Without my coping mechanisms, I turned to self harming.

To this day, the memory makes me shudder and reminds me to distrust them. They handled it horribly.

PEOPLE NEED TO STOP HANDLING THIS HORRIBLY. NOW.

The only thing that ended up helping was when i was forced to go to therapy. I was resistant at first. But my therapist was educated on the topic, took me seriously, and helped me handle my ed safely to slowly and comfortably to recover rather than shame me to shreds so i could stop being a nuisance. 

Recovering took YEARS. It was not a simple decision like everyone told me it should be. But even with my current relapse, I know how to be safe about this and how to avoid hurting myself.

Here’s what i wished they told me in high school.

Eating disorders are treatable. You are not too far gone to try to get better.

Someones weight is not an indicator of whether or not they have an eating disorder. Anyone, regardless of size or shape or weight, can be dealing with an ed.

NEVER lower your goal weight.

Eating disorders will manipulate you. They are not funny, they are not cute, they are not just for girls: they can affect anyone and they want to hurt you. Eating disorders are not your friend, even though it will sometimes feel like it. 

Bottom line: at the end of the day, there aren’t many endings to this aside from recovery or death.

Eating disorders can stem from other problems in a person’s life possibly regarding a lack of control, mental health issues, or other personal struggles that aren’t really centered around the way one looks. It is putting one “controllable” thing (your body) into your own hands and making it the center of your life so that the other uncontrollable problems don’t take up as much space in your head.

In other words, an eating disorder is typically a SYMPTOM of something else. Trying to “fix” someone by focusing on the eating disorder alone can just make the person turn to something else to cope (alcohol, drugs, impulsive buying, sex, anything addictive.) I turned to self harming.

Focusing on the ED alone is the equivalent of pulling weeds out, but leaving the roots.

You don’t have to drop your ED all at once! It can be slow. You may have relapses. But you can do it at a comfortable pace. As long as you recognize that you have to try eventually.

Having an eating disorder shouldn’t be such a shameful thing. No wonder people rarely try to get help on their own when it’s framed as a joke or when people can handle it so horribly. 

It needs to stop. 

We need knowledgeable people in schools teaching students these things so we can create more understanding eventual adults and overall, a less stigmatized culture. 

[thessalian]

Thess vs Disordered Eating

Yes, I know food is important.

Yes, I know that calories are necessary if one wants to live.

However.

Right at this precise moment, it is only hyperfocusing past the absolute fucking bullshit I am living in right now with video games that is keeping me from wanting to scream and punch a wall until my hand breaks or the wall does. And that kind of interferes with the whole concept of “preparing and consuming food”.

See, as a kid, I got a lot of body shaming from my mother. Her constant rallying cry was, “You’re not hungry; you’re just bored”. You hear that often enough, you start being unable to tell the difference between ‘hungry’ and ‘bored’, and as a consequence, ‘not bored’ immediately equals ‘not hungry’ until what was actually hunger all along becomes ‘too nauseous and headachy from lack of food to actually eat’. Thus, hyperfocus as a mental health aid to try to avoid my brain eating itself over government-sponsored messes that I can’t change immediately puts my appetite on the back burner until I can’t focus through that crappy feeling you get when your blood sugar tanks.

Not to mention the fact that ... look, it’s pretty fucking obvious to me that I have ADHD at this point. No, I haven’t been diagnosed; it wasn’t a thing when I was a kid, people didn’t understand how easy it is to mistake for BPD when I was in therapy, and while I could probably get it diagnosed now, I don’t trust this country’s mental healthcare system right now - not because it doesn’t try, but because it’s underfunded and everybody’s looking for the easy answer. Plus I’m actively worried they’d try to fix it with medication. I know it sounds weird - “Why wouldn’t you want a mental health issue fixed?” ...Because every single coping mechanism I had to build for myself relies on knowing my symptoms and using them to my advantage, is why. I have neuropathic pain like migraines and fibromyalgia, and can’t even think straight? Hyperfocus on something that doesn’t require too much brainpower until the painkillers kick in. I can deal with budgeting only because when my impulsivity comes out to play and demands I Buy The Things, I unleash my executive dysfunction and let it second-guess the impulse to death or at least give me the arguments I need to make an informed decision on the matter. I don’t know what I’d do without that balance. As precarious and draining as it sounds, it’s what I can live with.

Anyway, point is that because of the body-shaming as a kid, I learned to set hyperfocus and executive dysfunction against impulsivity when it comes to food. I don’t think the balance I strike in other walks of life is so good there. I am working on it; I keep dried fruit on hand so that if it gets really bad, I can just throw a box of raisins into my face and let that fuel me into a rational decision about my food choices. Again, I know it sounds weird, but it’s twofold - the break for the raisins breaks up my hyperfocus, and when I’m inevitably still hungry after the raisins, then I can prove to my executive dysfunction that the desire to eat a thing wasn’t just an impulsive fit after all, and thus it backs off.

(Also add to that being shamed about comfort-eating to the point where being even a little bit depressed means I’m not supposed to eat anything because of the training about “You’re not hungry; you’re just...” whatever. Of course, being overly hungry just adds to the bad mood, so that’s all an entire mess. My eating is usually fairly okay but sometimes is way too fucking disordered.)

So all of this to say that I guess I should start thinking about dinner. Currently my options are roast chicken leg or tuna broccoli lemon pasta. It’s probably going to be the pasta because it doesn’t take very long to cook. Best to get the eating done while I still have the impulse and it’s winning out over the other coping mechanisms. Apparently it’s all about which bits of probably-ADHD-related bullshit I turn the volume up on at any given time, which I guess I should thank my old Theatre Studies A-level teacher for, though he taught us to do that with emotional states in general because he was teaching by the Stanislavsky System (which precedes method acting and is rather a lot less weird).

I know I have issues. I guess harnessing them to approximate normal is probably as good as I’m going to get, at least for now. I don’t want to have to try balancing my mental state while I’m also still trying to deal with my nervous system deciding it’s just going to scream pain signals at me all the time.

[scullydubois]

Only the Light Ch. 13

13/? | AU where Melissa moves in with Scully after Scully’s abduction | angst, msr slow-burn, occasional fluff | currently: Christmas Eve 1994 | T | 5k | previous chapters | read on ao3 | tagging: @today-in-fic <3

As Scully copes with her diagnosis, Mulder joins her for the Scully family Christmas dinner. Plus, Melissa's girlfriend meets the family.

TW for disordered eating, cigarette smoking, references to abduction/medical rape.

-------------

Self destruction is a natural impulse for Dana Scully, though she’ll try to deny it. Take one unexplained abduction, add a dash of premature menopause, and sift out time spent proving Mulder wrong, and you’ll get a struggling Scully.

She can tell she’s entering a bad mental state when food becomes a suggestion rather than a necessity. Every bite is either earned according to whatever trivial rules she’s set for herself in that particular moment, or is not deserved and therefore not eaten. It’s a game where she’s the coach, player, and referee, yet she still loses every time. Nourishment is both prize and punishment, feeding her hunger but vacating her control.

This habit started when she was a teenager and wracked with feelings her petite frame couldn’t contain. It felt much safer than the route her siblings had taken of sneaking out in the middle of the night or using fake IDs to buy alcohol or skipping church on the regular. As far as fifteen-year-old her was concerned, she wasn’t bothering anyone by foregoing some meals. Her mother disagreed and called her out every time, humiliating her into her second coping mechanism, smoking.

There were the times when Scully was really young and enticed by her sister’s cigarettes, but that was simple preteen rebellion. What developed when Dana was seventeen was something different entirely. A survival mechanism with poison inside, snuffing herself out while keeping her alive and sane. She would walk to the gas station and buy packs of Marlboros with coins from her piggy bank. The laws were lax in the 80s, the prices too. She would blow rings of smoke while walking home, then hide the pack in her bra and swish some mouthwash. She’d repeat the process to and from school, steadily acquiring a nasty nicotine habit. It continued until the summer before college, when she made herself go cold turkey so as not to take the habit with her. As far as she knows, neither her parents nor any of her siblings ever knew about it.

It resurfaces in times of stress, though normally for no more than a single pack. Lately she’s accustomed to keeping a pack and a lighter with her at all times. Her building is smoke free so she steps outside, but her car is off limits because she doesn’t want the smell to cling to her. It is a hassle, but then again, so are most things.

Missy knows about the poor eating habits--those are hard to hide from someone who shares the same space as you. Nevermind the fact that the scale shows six less pounds than before, and that adds up when the number’s not that large to begin with. Scully’s edges protrude now...that can’t be hidden.

Missy never says a word. She remembers Dana complaining about their mother’s condescending comments about her weight, and she knows the damage that does to a young psyche. Instead, she offers. Healthy meals, guilty pleasure meals, all her sister’s favorites. She cooks more than she ever has before, well aware that her sister will struggle to refuse her.

“I recognize what you’re doing,” Missy told her sister when she tried to turn away a caesar salad, of all things. “I’ve been known to do that too,” Missy admitted. “Eat. You’re hungry, you just think not eating will give you some form of control over your body, or your life...but wasting yourself away is letting the bastards win.”

And so she did, that time at least. Scully has enough shame regarding her habit to push it aside whenever confronted---that’s how she insists to herself that it’s not an eating disorder. She can stop on command. That makes it okay, right?

Getting back into the office helped her a lot---you can’t starve yourself and function as an FBI agent. Besides, she would dissolve into thin air if Mulder figured out what she was doing. He was the one who batted around the idea of Scully helping prep each case and supervising any tests he might need the crime lab to do while he’s in the field. He understood that in lieu of therapy, she needed something to take her out of her own mind.

It was as much for him as it was her; at this point, it’s almost incomprehensible to him that the X-Files had existed before her. Of course he was the laughingstock of the FBI! He had huddled in the basement by himself with UFOs and blurry Bigfoot sightings pinned on the wall like a shrine to his own delusion.

Her fall from grace was his absolution. He’ll make an angel of her, somehow. Even if it means he has to meet the devil.

Scully has no interest in becoming an angel, though she’d sure like to avoid hell, and that hasn’t worked out too well. Locker room jokes are one thing. Underestimation another. But assault? Rape? Trauma and torture because she is who she is doing what she does? She is not a quitter, and that is killing her.

Her barrenness haunts her because it was bestowed upon her as punishment, an implication that she only has worth as a walking womb. She wants to be seen as a person, not a pawn.

The arrival of the holiday season is another weight on her shoulders. It used to be Scully’s favorite time of year; now the sight of carolers makes her want to poke her eyes out. It’s the first Christmas without her father, and that is simply unimaginable. Her and Missy spent a quiet Thanksgiving with their mother---small portions and whispered thanks--in preparation for an elaborate family Christmas. Bill Jr. and Tara are flying in from California for the annual Christmas dinner and midnight mass. They will all try to move forward, pretend it’s just like any other year, but it’s not and it never will be again. Happy Christmases are over for the Scully family.

And yet, they will try to enjoy the moment. Missy told her mom that she’s bringing a friend, which is completely true. Trinity is her closest friend that she doesn’t share blood with. That said, she plans to use the occasion to introduce Trinity as her girlfriend, come what may.

Then there was the suggestion that their mother made, which caught her youngest daughter completely off guard. “Why don’t you bring Fox?” Margaret Scully proposed demurely during their weekly phone call. “I’m making a zoo’s worth of food, I could use another mouth to feed. I hate to see any of it go to waste.”

“Mulder’s spending Christmas with his family, I’m sure,” Scully had replied. “But I’ll pass along the offer.”

That was how Scully learned that Mulder’s family isn’t much for celebration, that he usually spends the holiday flipping between It’s A Wonderful Life and the 24 hour marathon of A Christmas Story, and that he has a particular fascination with the idea of midnight mass.

“I just don’t get it,” Mulder mused. “You believe that a jolly old man with flying reindeer leaves presents in your house, but you think he waits until after you’ve gotten home from celebrating Baby Jesus’ birthday? Didn’t you ever look for his sleigh in the sky on the drive home?”

“No, Mulder,” Scully sighed. “I just believed that he knew when we were tucked in bed. Santa’s all-seeing, you know,” she teased.

Mulder chuckled. “Kind of presumptuous to assume he functions on your schedule, huh?”

Ultimately, Mulder said yes. He figured attending the Catholic equivalent of Jesus’ birthday party would be another check off his supernatural bucket list, though he did not say this part out loud for fear of Dana Scully’s wrath. Besides, what else was he gonna do on Christmas Eve? Shake the shoebox of junk he stuck under his mini-basketball hoop so he felt like he was getting a gift?

And so the fateful day arrives. Mulder flips his Garfield page-a-day calendar to December 24th, chuckles at the comic strip of the orange cat eating all his owner’s Christmas cookies, and makes his way to his partner’s increasingly familiar doorstep. The sun has already slipped behind the trees by the time he arrives. It gives up easily in the winter.

He rings the bell and hears Scully’s dainty footsteps on the other side. She’s snuck up on him enough times for him to have developed a keen sense of her light footing--no more jump scares for him.

“Hey Scully,” he stammers as she opens the door. She had told him to look “festive,” so he donned his nicest green sweater (a gift from his mom from J. Crew...he had never worn it) and slacks. Scully rounds out their show of holiday spirit with a velvet red blouse and black trousers.

“You look lovely,” Mulder says reflexively, unsure when he started using such a word. Scully pulls at her shirt, obscuring the bit of cleavage that has revealed itself. “Thanks Mulder,” she mutters, ushering him inside.

He holds up the shiny silver gift bag he hastily stuffed with tissue paper. “Some candy canes I picked up at the gas station. I figured the whole family could enjoy them.”

Scully nods, amused by his feeble attempt at gifting. “I’m sure they won’t go to waste.”

A fire crackles in the fireplace. It’s so hot in the apartment that Mulder is surprised it hasn’t melted the snow outside on the sidewalk.

“Where’s Melissa?” he asks, hoping they will hit the road sooner than later.

“She’s picking up her girlfriend from the airport. She couldn’t get an earlier flight.”

“Dulles?” He sure hopes not. It’s all the way across town.

“No, Reagan.”

Whew. Much closer.

“She should be back any minute now,” Scully continues. “Trinity’s flight got in at 3:30.”

Mulder rolls his sleeves up. “So your family doesn’t know about Trinity?”

Scully shakes her head.

“Do they know that Melissa’s…” He gestures, unsure which word to fill the space with.

“Bi? No.”

“So she shows up with Trinity, and then what?”

Scully shrugs. “She introduces her as her girlfriend. Mom already knows Missy is bringing a guest so she’ll have a plate for her.”

“You’re not worried about how the family’s gonna react?”

“Well, I’m sure Bill is gonna be a dick about it, but that’s normal. We only see him once a year, so it doesn’t really matter.”

“Bill’s your brother?”

“Uh-huh. And Tara is his wife. They got married about a year and a half ago.”

Even as he pushes into his thirties, it still surprises Mulder that anyone close to his age could be married. He doesn’t even sleep in a bed.

“You think your mom’s gonna be cool with Trinity?” he asks.

“I think she loves her daughter enough to be.”

“Mmm.” Mulder sticks his hands in his pockets. If only he had dilemmas like this. He imagines him and Samantha speculating about their mother’s reaction to Sam’s nose piercing or dyed hair or...anything really. He would give so much to have someone to laugh about his uncle’s sideburns with.

His emotional deep-dive is promptly cut off by the entrance of Melissa and a brunette woman whose bangs graze her eyebrows, her hair falling just below her shoulder. “Hi!” she chirps, taking in the magnificence of Dana Scully. “Dana, I presume?”

Scully nods.

“May I hug you?” Trinity asks, hazel eyes shining.

“Sure,” Scully says, feeling the brisk air against Trinity’s coat as she’s pulled in.

Scully lets go first, and Trinity takes that as a cue to pull away. “You look just like Mel, wow,” she remarks, fighting the urge to run her fingers through Scully’s hair.

Scully smiles softly. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“Oh, it is,” Trinity assures, exchanging a gooey gaze with Missy. Next, her attention falls upon Mulder, who does an awkward half-wave. “Hello!” She points between Mulder and Scully. “Boyfriend?”

Mulder chokes. Scully picks up his slack--”Oh, no. This is Fox Mulder, my partner at the FBI.”

“Ahh,” Trinity smiles knowingly. “Yes, I’ve heard about you. I didn’t know you would be joining us for Christmas.”

“Christmas is not exactly my family’s cup of tea, so I figured I’d get an authentic experience with the Scullys.”

“Same! I’m looking forward to Mama Scully’s ginger snaps. I’ve heard fantastic things about them.”

Mulder elbows his partner playfully. “Damn, Scully! How could you leave me in the dark about ginger snaps?”

Scully rolls her eyes but smiles. “I apologize, Mulder. Though for the record, the fruitcake is better.”

“Says no one, ever,” Mulder teases.

She grins. Now this is Christmas.

---------------------

Taking a seat at Margaret Scully’s dinner table feels like existing inside a Christmas movie, in Mulder’s mind. Fancy china, green and red serving platters, paper mache snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, and a porcelain nativity scene; the dining room has it all. Not to mention the heaping piles of food there for the taking...if this is Christmas, Mulder wants in every year.

Scully does not share his cinematic fantasy. She knows better, having actually attended one of her family’s dinners before. Bill will get too drunk and start saying whatever comes to mind, their mother will laugh along like he’s still a five year old babbling about nothing (as opposed to the thirty-something spewing bullshit that he actually is), Missy will attempt to debate him to get him to shut up (which never works), and she will sit there and wish to be somewhere, anywhere else. And all without their father to hold the reins and keep a fight from breaking out.

The night has gone smoothly enough, Scully supposes. Missy introduced Trinity as her girlfriend in a very non-ceremonial way, forcing Bill and their mother to nod and accept it, in the moment at least. Mulder received a hug from Margaret and a pat on the shoulder from Bill, so pretty much the highest token of approval. Mulder’s candy canes earned a place in the center of the dessert table, which gave him way more satisfaction than it should have, and he couldn’t help but feel that if they were to vote on favorite man at the party, he would win. A room with Bill Jr. in it is probably the only place he would ever earn this honor, and he’ll take that.

Yet everything unwinds as Scully suspected. Bill waits until everyone has packed plates and full mouths to unleash his particular hyperfixation for the night.

“Trinity?” he questions, raising his fork diagonal across the table toward her. “Is that your name?”

Trinity smiles and nods, oblivious to what she’s in for.

“And you know Melissa how…?”

She pats a napkin to her mouth. “We worked at the same restaurant in Oregon.”

He chuckles gruffly. “What was it, one of those gay bar things?”

“No, an Italian bistro,” Trinity continues calmly.

Missy, however, is not so calm. “Gay people can go places other than gay bars,” she retorts. “We’re not segregated. Though I’m sure you’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

Bill sets a fist on the table, clanging his silverware. “Yeah, that’s what I said. Why the hell do you insist on being so politically correct all the time? I’d shoot myself.”

“Gee, maybe you should try it sometime.”

“Now Melissa…” Margaret Scully’s voice rises above the clamor.

“I have the right to defend my girlfriend and I against Bill’s thinly disguised homophobia,” Missy responds.

“You act like I give a damn what you and your friend do,” Bill sneers. “That’s not my business.”

“Then stop pretending like it is.”

“Oh boo-hoo, little Missy thinks the world revolves around her.”

“Bill, honey, I think that’s enough,” Tara says, laying a protective hand on his arm.

“You’re right.” He raises his can of beer toward Mulder. “Whaddya doin here, hot shot? Trying to seduce my sister?”

Scully frowns, but doesn’t say anything, pushing food around on her plate.

Mulder seems rather unbothered by Bill’s advances. He chuckles. “Actually, I think it’s the other way around.”

Bill snorts. “That’s a likely story.”

“You don’t think I’m worth your sister’s time?”

“I don’t think Dana thinks you're worth her time. You’re not her type.”

“I am sitting right here, you know,” Scully says, staring daggers at her brother.

“Then tell us Dana! Is hot shot here your type?”

Her eyes brush Mulder’s face. His cheeks flush, reddening like a stormy sunset. She wishes she could read his mind. The safe answer and the true answer are not often the same. “I think Mulder is a wonderful man. I’m very lucky to know him,” she answers stiffly, her annoyance aimed at Bill.

“Oh, the old run-around!” Bill scraps his fork against his plate. ”Typical.”

Scully grabs her now empty canned cocktail and sulks into the kitchen, leaving her chair pushed away from the table. Everyone watches her go, but Bill gives off the only visible reaction. He laughs. “Scared her away. Thought it would take more.”

Mulder and Melissa exchange a glance. She nods, granting him permission to play knight-in-shining-armor. Quietly, Mulder slips out of his chair and pushes it back into place. He catches the kitchen door as it swings closed behind his partner.

Her anger concealed from the rest of the family, Scully drops her can in the recycling bin with a bang. She ignores Mulder, instead opening the refrigerator and pulling out another cocktail, saying nothing.

“What is this, your fifth drink?” Mulder brushes his hand over her shoulder, and she recoils. “Leave me alone, Mulder.” She slams the fridge and tries to turn around, but he’s cornered her.

“C’mon Scully, Bill’s harmless. He doesn’t bother me.”

“It’s not fucking about Bill,” she fumes, alcohol fizzing through her bloodstream. She inhales, trying to keep it together in front of the man who has done nothing wrong to her. “Please get out of my way.”

“What’s wrong?” He frames her shoulders with his hands, creating their own little bubble.

“Don’t touch me!” she growls. Mulder knows as soon as hears it: he will never forget the pure anguish in her voice. As she retreats to the corner, he looks down at his palms, the stovetop that burned her...he would cut them off if he could.

Unfortunately, the commotion attracts the Scully’s like a dog whistle. Bill leads the charge into the kitchen, getting a full view of his sister hunched over by the back door while her partner stands by the fridge like an idiot. “Ooo, a lover’s spat!” he exclaims, only nominally concerned about Dana’s well-being.

“Shut up, Bill,” Missy hisses. To everyone’s relief, he does.

Mrs. Scully comes forward, maneuvering around Mulder to get to her daughter. “Are you alright, Dana?”

Scully keeps her back to the crowd. “I just need a minute.” She taps her pocket, confirms that she slipped her pack of cigarettes in. “I’ll be outside. Everyone can go back to dinner, please.”

She twists the doorknob and steps onto the back deck without waiting for any response. Mulder feels the tug of tears in his throat, like a dormant animal waking up in him. He is used to being hurt (though not by Scully, never her), but inflicting the hurt is a whole other beast. He doesn’t know what he’s done, but he doesn’t need to. The look in her eyes, put there by what he thought was a harmless touch, made his heart tremble. He is frozen in place, grateful when Melissa appears at his side as the rest of the party returns to the dining room.

“I didn’t mean to upset her, I was trying to make her feel better about Bill…” he laments.

“I’m sure, I’m sure. It’s not you specifically, she’s going through a lot right now--you know.”

Mulder rubs his neck. “I don’t know if I do.”

“She hasn’t shared her diagnosis?”

His eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. “Diagnosis?! Is she okay?”

Missy sighs. “I think you two need to talk. If she gets pissed, tell her I sent you.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Tell me if she’s okay.”

“She’s okay. It’s not fatal or anything.”

“She would tell me, if it was...wouldn’t she?”

Missy bites her lip. “I don’t know, Fox---Mulder. I would hope so, but I was under the impression you already knew about this, and you see how that’s gone.”

Mulder turns toward the back door, desperation living in his voice. “I’ve gotta go. I’ve gotta check on her.”

Missy nods. “Don’t let her weasel her way out of this one. I’m expecting a heart-to-heart, mushiness and all.”

“Aye aye, captain.”

He turns the back doorknob and slips through the door, trying to imitate his partner’s ninja skills. The old wood on the door frame shakes as he shuts it. He winces--so much for the sneak attack.

Mulder follows the arc of the deck, winter’s bite colliding with him. He didn’t have a chance to grab his jacket, and now that he’s thinking about it, Scully didn’t either. He can grin and bear it but she is all skin and bones, now more than ever. It scares him to see her like that, but it’s none of his business, he feels, to comment on her body. He can break her fall, but he must not provide an extra push.

The wind has no friends to protect nor foes to defeat, so it will give away anyone. It carries the unmistakable tarnish of smoke to Mulder’s nose, an ashy haze that has come to remind him of Skinner’s office and the shadow lingering in the corner. He almost expects to find him there with his Morleys and his sadistic laugh. Instead, he finds a redhead and her Marlboros shrinking against the December cold snap.

“Bum a cig, ma’am?” He scoots up to her, ready to retrieve his own smoke from her long, slender fingers.

“Mulder!” She pulls the cigarette away from her, holding her last puff captive in her lungs.

He wiggles his fingers like an impatient child. “We’re all gonna die someday, right?”

Her jig up, she rolls her shoulders back and releases the smoke with a great rise and fall of her chest. It mingles in the air with the chill of her breath, becoming one and the same as they leave the contours of her body. Head tilted back and lips parted, she is alive with nicotine’s ease and intoxication’s freedom.

It is better than porn, according to one Fox William Mulder. He’ll keep this observation to himself for now.

“Did your parents never teach you that sharing is caring?” he rambles. “C’mon, give me a light!”

“It’s a nasty habit, Mulder.”

“I’m a connoisseur of those,” he replies loosely. “Now, you’re not gonna make me put you in a headlock are ya?”

Scully rolls her eyes. She’s never felt less threatened in her life. “You’re exhausting, do you know that?”

“I’ve heard it a time or two.”

She pulls a cigarette from her carton and slips it into his fingers. They are warm; hers are ice-cold. “I wanted to be alone.” She hands him the lighter, watches as he generates heat from thin air.

He lights his cig and sticks the lighter in his pocket rather than handing it back to her. “According to my calculations, you should be very drunk right now. Other than your Oscar bait performance back there, you’ve got things pretty under control I’d say.”

Scully gestures at her cigarette smoking, teeth chattering self. “Yeah, I’m the picture of health.”

“Do you have some exceptional alcohol tolerance I should know about, because that’d make you very valuable in undercover work.”

Scully gazes out into the distance. She’d smile if she were to look at him right now, and that doesn’t feel right for the situation. “Those drinks have low alcohol content, Mulder. You can buy them at Dollar General.”

“You ever looked at their hand sanitizer? It’s like 95% alcohol.”

“Well, now I know where you go to get your fix.”

He chuckles. “You got me.”

She stuffs her hands in her pockets and he wishes, god he wishes, that he had grabbed his jacket. He’d take off his sweater if she wanted him to--stand there with his bare chest to the cold--but he has a feeling that would only exacerbate the situation.

He tries a more gentlemanly route. “Do you want me to grab your jacket? I won’t give away your trade secrets.”

She folds herself together. “No, it’s okay. It’ll make me get a move on at some point.”

They stand united in their rebellion, blowing smoke and freezing their asses off. Who needs Christmas cheer when you’ve got Christmas resentment?

Mulder sways a bit to keep his blood circulating. He is careful not to bump her. “You wanna tell me why you’re out-Scrooging Scrooge this year?” he prompts as gently as he can.

“In case you haven’t noticed, it hasn’t exactly been the best year of my life.”

“I gathered that, yeah.”

“And it’s the first Christmas without my father…” her voice warbles.

“Shit, right. I’m sorry,” Mulder murmurs.

“...So it just doesn’t feel very celebratory.” She takes a long drag. Mulder can tell that this secret smoking habit is not new to her, and he wonders when she picked it up, how long she has kept it from him.

He takes a deep breath, watches as it is written in the air. “Melissa told me you received a diagnosis, and I think we’ve already established that sharing is caring…”

Scully looks him in the eyes for the first time since he joined her. It has the sudden intensity of a black-and-white film, Scully the 1940s scarlet and he the leading man who pales in comparison to her. There is no one he’d rather be overshadowed by.

“It’s humiliating,” she croaks. “Missy and my mom are the only ones who know.”

“I’ve got the monopoly on humiliation in this partnership, so I wouldn’t worry about that,” he says, flicking some ashes to the ground.

“This is a particular form of humiliation you can’t experience, I’m afraid. Or at least, it wouldn’t impact you the same way.”

“Let’s hear it.”

She sighs. “My abductors removed all of my eggs, causing my menstrual cycle to shut down and me to enter perimenopause.”

His breath catches in his throat. “Jesus christ.”

“Uh-huh.”

He throws his cigarette on the ground and stamps it out, though it could have burned longer. “That’s fucking horrifying, Scully. You’ve got to inform the Bureau. We’ve got to catch these--whatever they are. We’ve got to make them pay.”

“No, Mulder. It’s too much. I don’t want to keep reliving it, I want to be able to move on with my life.”

“How can you move on when they’re still out there, probably doing it to more women?”

She shakes her head, feeling the snag of tears and holding them back for fear they might freeze on her face. “I don’t know, but I can’t think about it like that. It sort of...shatters everything, the idea that this could be a phenomenon happening to other women in secret. I wouldn’t believe it if it didn’t happen to me. I still don’t believe it.”

Mulder shudders. He can’t discern whether it’s from the cold or their conversation. “Do you think it was men who took you? Or do you believe Duane Barry?”

“It seems like a level of monstrosity that only man could achieve. It requires a certain understanding of society, gender roles...dehumanization that only humans could perpetuate.”

Mulder nods. Her reasoning tracks, but the thought of him failing to outsmart humans who stole away his partner is something he cannot fully process. It makes sense that he couldn’t find her if she was in space, but if she was on the face of the Earth, he had no damn excuse.

“You were just gone, Scully...you were just gone.” His aching is so palpable, his voice a cliff’s edge they could both tumble down.

“I know I was.” She takes one last puff, then lets her cigarette fall to the ground. She crushes it with her heel, her force premeditated and brutal. That pain is for the ones who took her, the ones who have obviously never loved a thing at all.

Head bowed, she moves toward the door, but not without grasping for Mulder’s elbow, assuring that he is following behind. He is and he will be, for as long as she lets him.

Inside, the home’s manufactured warmth hits them, unreal in comparison to the cold they have known. The kitchen is as quiet as it was before their ordeal, the dining room empty aside from Mrs. Scully clearing serving platters.

“Where did everyone go?” Scully asks, momentarily alarmed that she may have ruined the entire gathering.

“We’re going to drive around and look at lights before mass. Everyone’s getting ready.”

“Oh.” She looks to Mulder, as if to check that he hasn’t left her stranded. “I think I’ll stay here,” she tells her mother. “Make a cup of hot chocolate and relax for a bit.”

“Well, you’ll be missed. Fox, would you like to join us?”

He takes a leap, hopes he’s got the right idea. “I’ll stay here, but thank you.”

“As you wish,” Mrs. Scully says with a slight smile. Mulder had never noticed her resemblance to her daughter until that moment. It was like looking at a sketch of a famous painting; the lines are there but the colors missing.

Soon enough the crowd leaves and Scully and Mulder settle on the couch with mugs of hot cocoa. Margaret Scully’s tree forms the centerpiece of the living room, and it’s hard not to admire its gold and red decorations and the shiny angel on top.

“That’s gorgeous. Does she do it every year?” Mulder asks, ignoring the steam rising out of his mug and going right in for the kill.

Scully nods. “Every year since we were kids. There used to be a lot more homemade ornaments, but I guess she swapped those for a more elegant look now that we’re grown.”

“Well, it’s beautiful.” He looks at her, curled up with the glow of the fireplace falling upon her, and he feels warmth and safety like never before. It would be so easy to slip in “and so are you,” it is practically begging to be said. But she wouldn’t believe him if he said it now; she would think it was a pity compliment. Instead, he mouths the words, and she is not looking, and that is okay.

She snuggles deeper into the cushions, closing her eyes and letting her mind wander. She is the most at ease she has been in months--here in the house she lived in during high school with the fireplace crackling and her partner by her side--and that’s not what she expected from Christmas Eve. Heaven strokes her skin, and she blinks her eyes open to find Mulder tucking her in with her mother’s microfiber blanket. She smiles her soft Scully smile. “Thank you,” she coos, burrowing herself deeper into the blanket’s embrace.

“You’re welcome,” Mulder whispers into her ear. His fingers tangle in her hair as he pulls her toward him, his lips meeting her temple. She catalogues the feeling for her memory bank: chapped but carrying the hot chocolate’s warmth. She will spend the next while convinced that it was a dream, a fleeting image in the moments before sleep, but she will carry the feeling until she feels it again.

[humanoidmindbox]

Us Vs. Them

Abstract

In this essay, I will be assessing my personal feelings and attitudes toward different and defined groups. During this analysis, I will be breaking up the population into four groups: Us, Them, Allies, and Enemies. These groups have been formulated by and based on the workings and fields of psychology, psychiatry, individuals with mental illnesses (including me) and how societal norms fit into issues raised in this paper. I hope you find this to be worthwhile and I hope this sparks the fire of your intellectual flame.

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The American population, in the terms of mental illness, psychology, and sociology, fall into one of four categories which are detailed below:

US

This group of people are those who suffer from profound mental illness. The affliction must be (Your illness doesn't have to be all of these things, but it must be most of them):

Chronic; recurring; cause suffering; affect your relationships with others; make it so you cannot keep a job; make it so you cannot function in society; possibly get government compensation for your illness; *been hospitalized in the psych ward; been arrested when your symptoms were active; reckless and/or impulsive behaviors; suicide attempt(s); and became violent when your symptoms were active. 

Them

These people are the majority of the population. They blindly follow pop culture and buy into what the masses are doing, believing, and saying. They do not have severe mental illness although they may be diagnosed with the garden-variety depression and anxiety. They have never been to inpatient for mental disorders, except maybe once, a long time ago. They will try to relate to you when it comes to mental health but they are just regurgitating what the trendy treatments and hardships are (the commonplace “social anxiety” is on the rage right now). In the inpatient hospital, the Them are the hospital staff. Especially the ones who give you the shot and put you in isolation. They are the ones who pink slip you and call the police. They think drugs are bad. You can’t truly trust Them. They don’t understand you and they probably never will. Most of Them are not hateful or mean. They are just ignorant, inexperienced, and constantly lecturing you or preaching to you. Most of Them view you as less-than, whether it is intended or not. 

Allies

Imagine a straight line down the middle of a square. This divides the “Us” and “Them” that we already went over. But directly on that line, not leaning to one side or the other, sits the “Allies.” The Us’s allies have most likely not gone to the mental hospital except maybe once, long ago. But they have a mental illness that brings them suffering. They may be in mental health treatment. They struggle almost every day and their behaviors reflect that. They are a part of society and will never and have never been deemed unfit to be a working part of society. They get along with others although they feel like no one completely understands them. They do not blindly follow all of pop culture’s rules and trends. They support the Us. We can trust them somewhat. They are our allies. 

Enemies 

The Enemies only exist within the “Them” group. They are the ones we must watch the most carefully and never trust. Most of “Us'' do not have many Enemies on the outside but we have plenty of Enemies on the inside (inpatient). The Enemies at the hospital are those who give you the shot after they have to hold you down when you’re screaming and thrashing around because you’re so fucking freaked out. They are the ones who put you in four point restraints and let you “tire yourself out.” On the outside, the police are the Enemy for apprehending you while they get a pink slip. They are anyone who pink slips you. The Enemy tells you that you’re crazy when you know you are doing well. They threaten the hospital and hang it over your head. The Enemy treats you unfairly because something that you cannot control or help is wrong with you. The reason why Them can never be fully trusted is because any one of Them could become the Enemy at any time.

-------------------------------------------------------

I first felt the “Us Vs. Them” divide when I started frequenting mental hospitals. And when I started showing signs of severe  symptoms of mental illness. In the hospital, you are a “rat in a cage” (Smashing Pumpkins song) with the staff holding the only key to get out. A drastic power imbalance exists between the staff and the patient: we are the prisoners and they are the guards. All we want to do is get out. All we want to do is go home. And if not home, then at least to a different, free place. 

When I had my major mental breakdown/manic episode of winter 2019, I had been taking my medications- they were just the wrong ones. In the cage, you must take your medications, whether you want to or not. Whether you trust Them or not. If you refuse medication, They take you to court and get a court order forcing you to take your medication while you are inpatient. 

There are some key ways that the “Us” and the “Them” are different in the mental hospital dynamic. They own your body: you are forced to take medications, you are locked in a box (hopefully not isolation). You can’t hurt yourself and if you do, you will stay longer (same goes for violence against others). They control your behaviors: They deem what is “appropriate” and “inappropriate” behaviors. If you break the rules surrounding these behaviors, you will get the shot, isolation, moved to a worse ward (for the more violent and disruptive patients), restraint holds, staying longer, or any combination of these events. The worst one I can think of is moving wards up a number. They try to brain-wash you: They say: “There is only one way to live life and we know the correct way to live it.” “The correct way to live is only what we arbitrarily and subjectively call “healthy coping mechanisms” and you must abandon all “unhealthy” ones in order to live life correctly and avoid being society’s pariah.” “Your only hope to be a functioning person is to abide by the teachings of CBT and DBT. All other methods will not work.” They have the opinion that their methods of recovery always  work and if you are not having positive effects from their treatments, you must be doing it wrong- they deny that their treatments do not work for everybody and fail to recognize that the “bad” coping mechanisms are the only way that certain people can get by.

When you are mandated as an inpatient in the hospital, you have no rights. They take away your rights as a person. They tell you where to go, what to eat, and they control how long you are in there, what medication you take, and worst of all- when you get put down like a dog with a shot or when you switch to a more severe level. You are treated like an animal in a cage, and there is nothing that you can do about it. Losing control of your own body to this degree leads to something inside of you breaking  and you turning into a feral animal (hospital song). After that happens (especially if it happens multiple times), you are never the same. 

There are laws to keep other people from harming you or your property. I believe that it is a good thing that these laws are in place and that they should be upheld. But there are also laws that are made to prevent you from harming yourself and I don’t think such laws should exist. Once again, I question what the authorities, our working society (Them) and the masses (Them) deem “harmful” and ultimately illegal.

Most people in society simply follow popular culture. They just look to what the majority of others do and follow suit. But they have blinders on: they don’t see that they come up with justifications and sorry attempts at reasons to back-up their choice to blindly follow the majority.

The authorities and society says:

Drugs = Bad→ Laws against it.

Self-harm = Bad→ No laws against it but there is intense societal disapproval and shaming connected to it.

*It is the least harmful on this list because it does not alter your mood or drastically change your brain chemistry for prolonged periods of time. But, apparently, it is the most shocking and the most taboo. 

Medication = Good→ Sometimes there are laws enforcing it.  

I believe all of these things can be good or bad depending on the specific person that it affects. Everyone is different and if you simply follow what pop culture’s opinion is on these issues without looking into them further, it shows ignorance, a lack of curiosity and exploration, rigidity, and a propensity towards the judgement of others. It often signifies that the “Them” in question is too weak to think for themselves and to withstand society’s brainwashing. 

I will never think of cutting or drugs as “bad coping skills.” “Good coping skills” consist of talking about your issues and crying according to the “Them.” And according to the hospitals, CBT, and DBT, good coping skills include activities like aroma therapy and drawing. But what do these things do? Nothing. You need a release or a change in the state of mind. Talking about what upsets you is just reliving it all over again. Plus, what if you do not trust anyone enough to tell them what's on your mind? Crying is bullshit. I feel that it is pathetic for me to cry. That’s just how I feel. I have trained myself not to. So why should I do something detrimental to myself when I am already in distress? “Good” coping skills don’t really work and only the simple-minded buy into them. “Bad” coping skills shouldn’t be judged as bad or taboo just because others have all-or-none thinking about them when it's the only thing that helps some people.

Medication: Taking medication should be the mentally ill’s choice. Medication is not right for everybody; it is not always the best thing to do. Not everyone likes themselves on medication. Who are we to judge if a person is the “correct” version of themselves or not? Forcing someone to take psychiatric medications is rooted in a power and control structure that overshadows others. I believe that we should leave others alone when it comes to this and let them live how they want to live. Just because we’re mentally ill, doesn't mean we have to do what you want with our bodies anymore.

In conclusion, I believe individuals and society as a whole should look beyond the systems of the law, procedures in mental health facilities, standard practices of therapies, pop culture trends/rules , and societal norms to find each of our unique spots in this society. We need to rethink what is considered “unhealthy” and what is “healthy” and why we put actions into those categories. We need to be more open and steer clear of letting others dictate what we believe. I’m tired of being lectured and shamed. Let's move on together. 

[didon]

Station 19 and Maya

So this is such a bad idea but I really feel like I need to vent so feel free to ignore. This has been triggered by a lot of the reactions I saw in the tags regarding the last episode and how Maya reacted (though most of the complaints where about how woe Carina got cheated on).

The way I see it, Maya most likely suffers from BPD aka Bordeline Personality Disorder from her abuse. That’s a fact by the way, that her father was and still is an abusive pos. Mostly BPD makes you act in extremes which Maya has been shown to experience like explosive anger or impulsivity or even shifting self image or giant mood swing. Those are all things that I’ve seen Maya experience. People who suffer from BPD normally fall in two categories when trying to protect themselves from harm from others: the ones that hold on to their bridges even after relationships become toxic and the ones that burn them before they can get hurt. Now, it’s not hard to see in which of the categories Maya falls into especially since she’s been told again and again by her father that relationships make you weak.

Now, we know why Maya did what she did. It doesn’t excuse it at all because it was still a shitty thing to do, but it’s easier to rationalize it as her trying to protect herself from being hurt by Carina and breaking the relationship before she got in too deep. By the way, Jack also checks a lot of the boxes for BPD as it often develop in early childhood and is linked to trauma. Being abused is one and being abandonned/orphaned as often as Jack did definitely counts as a trauma. Again, still shitty of her to do, but at least the reasoning can be more than just bi people are sex fiends or that they wanted to just add drama to the relationship (even though there’s def an element of that here). I also want to add that people with BPD often have various self-harm trends including a strange relationship with sex. So Jack sleeping with women he shouldn’t very much makes sense in that context and does not make him the asshat the writers seemed to try to make him look like.

Here’s where I have a problem with people interpretation of the episode though: most of you see Carina as a saint for trying to help Maya accept her abuse. It was very noble of her, I’ll give you that, but she went at it in such a horrific way that she did not help but actually made things a 1000% worse. Maya was clearly not ready to face the facts about a man who trained her to see him as a god. I know it’s not easy to see someone you love in a negative light especially after years of thinking differently. I glorified my father as a teenager because I felt I had to defend him from my siblings who were abusing me in response to the abuse he put them through. It didn’t matter if he gave little to not time, was rude and agressive toward me most of the time he did and literally put me in danger a bunch of times including leaving me at a cinema in a busy town alone at night as a tween or even bring me with him to buy his drugs. Medias told me that fathers were supposed to love you and protect you and I was so starved for affection that I modified part of how he acted to fit that narrative. It didn’t help that I was told again and again that “it was his way of showing his love” or that “he couldn’t control it” which was a big flashback for me when her mother confronted her at the spaghetti dinner.

Now, the way Carina went at helping Maya really pissed me off because she was a doctor and should have known better. She didn’t try to help lead Maya in accepting a life shattering fact, she didn’t give her the space she needed, she didn’t refer the matter to someone who was actually trained in handling similar situations. No, instead she tried to force Maya into seeing things her way and forced herself in her space. It clearly wasn’t the goal to do that, but Maya asked her for space time and time again and Carina refused to the point where Maya had to leave their place to get some. You cannot force someone to accept something this hard to accept. It took me years to accept that what I went through was abuse despite knowing he actually hit my mother and brother. Psychological and verbal abuse is a lot harder to accept and detect because there are no bruises, no visible scars. Heck, until recently, it still wasn’t really considered abuse, it was just “being though” on your loved one. 

So yeah, Carina actually pissed me off and I would have lashed out at her too and that comes with years of therapy. In some cases and for some people, forcing them to see the truth might work when all other options have been tried, but Maya wasn’t there. Maya didn’t have weeks, months or even the years she needed to come to terms with a gigantic trauma she went through. Because she was the one that was hit the hardest with it as the one he literally groomed for that. I’m not going to say it was worse than her brother’s or her mother’s cause abuse is abuse, but she was groomed into it and it does make it harder to see and break from it. Carina didn’t even give her that time, instead we saw her insisting and insisting and trying to shove Maya’s face into it. I understand that she related to the situation and that she was just trying to help her, but not everybody processes similar traumas at the same pace or the same way and Maya clearly was not at the same place mentally as she was. I actually felt pain from her doing that and had to skip that part a bit cause I couldn’t believe someone who went through the same thing could do something like that.

To finish cause this rant has gone long enough, I’m not sad they’re broken up. I never cared for Carina from the moment they introduced her on GA and I never really cared for her on this show and after this, I kinda dislike her a bit so if she stays around, it will take me a while to actually like her. I’d honestly prefer that they brought back Jack and Maya cause I actually shipped them and was pissed at how they separated them. Though I agree with the suggestion from some people that Maya should NOT be in any relationship right now cause she is def experiencing a trauma and needs to come to term with it and deal with it before she can even think about it. She also need to get into therapy but that’s the case with pretty much everybody on this show. Or maybe I’m just reading too much in a show and identifying with characters. Welp, that was all of our time so you guys have a good day/night and let’s keep enjoying the show (I’m also down for talking more about this or BPD if some people need it! My ask is always open and when I don’t get hyper protective of characters I’m pretty chill)

[aquarianlights]

Life is great, guys. :) (It really does get better.)

So I just wanted to talk about this for a minute coz for those of you who don’t know, this blog isn’t like an aesthetic blog or whatever; it’s a personal blog. I’m usually flooding it with verbose text posts, vlogs, selfies and whatnot. I haven’t been able to do that since finally pursuing my passion of medicine because the field is all-consuming. But I’m back for like another week or so, kind of. Lol. I’m going to be writing up an update on what’s going on and why I disappeared for so long and all that because I’m doing some REALLY COOL STUFF! :D And I’m excited to share it with everyone! :) I really missed you guys and I missed my blog. I may not get that text post up tonight, but here’s this one. Lol.

I know I have said I beat my depression before, but even now as I have slipped back into a depressive state and even seriously had points where I considered suicide, life is still really great. I even had a night where I relapsed for the first time in 2 years and gave myself exactly 3 cuts and had pills laid out ready to OD and you know what? The decision to text my next door neighbour (who is turning into a good friend) to come over and chat instead of going any further with all of that was SUCH an easy decision to make.

You all know how impulsive I am. I’m on the extreme end of the borderline  personality disorder spectrum. I’m as impulsive as they come. Even as depressed as I can get sometimes, overall, I’m still happy. And I want to illustrate how that can be so that everyone with depression can understand exactly HOW it gets better and what you have to look forward to in life.

There was a time when I was having a total breakdown on my closet floor. Like, panic attack and all. Couldn’t breathe, felt like I was legitimately going to die, had my phone on 911 with my thumb over dial because I really did feel like I was dying from the panic attack. As I laid there, sobbing and gasping for air, torn between “I wish I would just die” and “I should call 911 coz I feel like I’m dying”, my panic attack began to subside. As it did, I laid there sobbing unable to get up, unable to even move. But what was the very first thing my mind thought at that moment as my mind began to clear? Normally, I would think “God, I just want to die” or maybe thinking of ways to kill myself or ways to justify killing myself. But no. I didn’t. The very first thing I thought was “Wow, I’m so glad I’m alive. My life is the best it has ever been, it is so wonderful and I am so happy. I wouldn’t want to lose it.”

In that moment, after a horrible breakdown, all I could think about was how happy I was and how great my life was.

And even now, despite me being more depressed and suicidal than I have been in 2, maybe even 3 years now, I feel more motivated, driven, content, in control of my own destiny, powerful and like I really enjoy the life I’m waking up into than I ever have in my entire life. For once, I don’t mind waking up into *my* life. Sure, I would change it in a fucking heartbeat if I could. I think everyone has at least one thing about their life they would change. But I’m now one of those people that wakes up and feels motivated and excited to take on the day more often than not, instead of waking up with pain and this unbearable weight holding you down in bed not allowing you to even get up. I’m no longer that person that wakes up and just instantly bursts into tears and does everything in their power to go back to sleep. Those days are finally over for me... I dare say for good.

I don’t know what I did to deserve being happy. . . but I’ve worked so goddamn hard to get to this point. I’ve taken all the right steps over all these years and I guess it has all paid off. I’ve gone through a decade worth of finding the right combination of medications. I’ve finally found the right psychiatrist/psychologist team for med management and therapy. I’m exercising every day, I’m starting to do a bit of yoga, I’m trying to eat right and *trying* to learn to cook (even though it isn’t going well lol), I’m not starving myself anymore, I’m going to physical therapy once a week, I’m keeping myself busy, I’m exercising my mind constantly, I’m doing all the “homework” my therapist sends me home with every week...

After ALL the trial and error of sorting through therapist after therapist... I FINALLY found which “kind” of therapists work for me and which don’t so I can INSTANTLY tell from almost the very first session now if they are going to work for me or not. If I can’t tell, then by the end of the month, I’ll know for sure. I know all the coping mechanisms in the book and I now utilize every one that works for me. And when my therapists ask me what I need from them, I know exactly what to tell them.

I have worked SO. GODDAMN. HARD. ...and it has paid off. It has FINALLY paid off.

I Pavloved my brain honestly. And it worked.

See, my VERY FIRST psychologist as an adult told me I had “Learned Helplessness”, which I did, due to my mother, who is still trying to inflict it on me. It had caused a *LOT* of my depression. This psych had suggested to me that I do corrected thinking, which I’m sure a lot of you are familiar with.

It’s where every time you have a negative/bad/degrading/those kind of thought(s), you *immediately* correct it in your mind and if possible aloud, as well. I thought that was stupid back when I was 18. I thought everything was stupid back then. That psych tried so hard with me and kept me for a year before she finally had to discharge me for noncompliance after I refused to speak for like.... 10 sessions. Idk why she tried so hard for so long, honestly.

Fast forward like... at least 5(?) years from that time.

I was living with my parents after one of those many traumatic break ups I had. Idr which one. But it was one that reminded me of my learned helplessness. And I was in with a new psychologist and they told me the same thing and I was like “oh”. So I started doing it.

Fast forward like a year later. It’s now a habit. I’m now doing it subconsciously without me even realizing it. But the bad thoughts are still the primary thought and I’m still having to correct myself. It’s just that I’m not consciously doing the correcting anymore.

Fast forward to that moment in the closet. That was the first time I realized that my negative thoughts are no longer the primary thoughts anymore. The corrected thoughts are now the primary thoughts. Those were things that I had been telling myself over and over to try to convince myself to believe it. “Fake it till you make it.” My psychs had always told me “even if it isn’t true, if you tell it to yourself enough times, you can make yourself believe it”. Now, studying medicine, I know why. It all makes sense now. Conditioning is so real. And it works. It changed the entire way I think and go about life. My outlook on just about everything has totally changed and the way I do things has just flipped. Things that would have sent me to a psych ward for a suicide attempt in the past in like 0.2 seconds are now motivators for success for me and give me reason to keep doing what I love. It’s unreal what positive conditioning can do if you just change your entire outlook by devote yourself to correcting all your negative thinking every single time until your brain starts doing it on its own.

I’m going to buy a clicker that they use on dogs and click it every time I feel motivated because that’s something I still sometimes struggle with more than happiness and I need motivation more than I need happiness, honestly. (I had to pick one or the other; Can’t pick both, you have to focus in on just one when doing this.) So I’m trying to sort of...bottle motivation, if you will. If I can just click it every time I feel a rush of motivation, which is at random throughout the day multiple times a day, in about a year or two time (I hope, maybe longer), I’ll be able to click it and get a rush of motivation from the sound. :)

ANYWAYS.

I know I post a lot about my journey with mental illness, so I just wanted to let you guys know that, uh... it hasn’t changed. My “it gets better” posts are still happening. It did get better. It stayed better. Just because I feel suicidal or depressed sometimes doesn’t mean it isn’t better anymore. It is still very much better and I am still very much as happy as can be. I am allowed to feel suicidal and depressed within my bubble of overall happiness. That’s what a lifetime of major depressive disorder and suicidal ideation can do to someone. I still feel like I beat depression even though it is a bit more prevalent in my life now than it has been in a long time. I feel I beat it because I can deal with it so much better than I ever have been able to do before. It’s so much more than sadness, but it’s not something that is going to ruin me and kill me like I was in danger of prior to this transformation, if that makes sense. I’ll kill it before it kills me.

So.

I’m going to write up that update post on what is going on in my life. Why I just disappeared off the face of the planet all last month and a little before that and a little after and so on and so forth. I’M DOING SOME REALLY COOL THINGS, YOU GUYS, AND I’M SO EXCITED FOR THE COMING FALL SEMESTER!!!!!! :D

Be sure to read that whenever I get it posted up! ...maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. Idk. Probably tomorrow, honestly. [shruggy emoji] I’ve got a lot going on right now, but everything is so much slower paced than I’m accustomed to at this point so I feel like I have so much free time. Haha.

Anywayyyyys...

It gets so much better, you guys. Just hold on till it does. And if you ever need anyone to vent to, just hop on in my inbox. Anon is always on! I don’t wanna lie, but chances are, I probably won’t answer you for like... weeks to months at a time to be totally honest coz I’m hella busy, but know I’ll read them! I always do. :)

-KQR

[drdumaurier]

What’s your stance on Bedelia’s mental health and how do you explain some of the morally ambiguous things she did? How did you settle on the way you want to interpret and express her mental state? I’ve seen her being interpreted as a psychopath, do you support this diagnosis, and if not, why so? Do you find it challenging writing a character with such a complex emotional inner life? P.S., I love your blog. :)

Quick note before you start reading: This is the longest headcanon I’ve ever written and I’m sorry it became so long, but it’s the result of putting a lot of headcanons and thoughts together. As my wife so perfectly put it when she read it and saw that I mentioned I could probably go on “oh God no you would crash tumblr's word limit”. Also I say it a few times in the text, but this is only from my personal interpretation of her character. Now if you’re up for the challenge, have fun reading it! 

     First, I’d like to say that everyone sees Bedelia differently and it’s not a question to debate. I know from where you come from with your question, so what I’m going to say is that my interpretation is how I see her and everyone is free to see her the way they want. Furthermore, I’m not a therapist and while I’ve been doing quite extensive research in psychiatry for my own interest, I’m not making any diagnosis because it’s not my place. Everything that will be expressed in this answer is from personal research and personal opinions, so it’s not “the truth”. Now, in my interpretation, Bedelia is not a psychopath and for numerous reasons. I’m not going to make a full list of all my arguments because it would become too long. First of all, it’s difficult to define psychopathy as it doesn’t express itself exactly the same way depending from one individual to another. Also in the International Classification of Diseases (ICD) maintained by the World Health Organisation, psychopathic personality disorder is included in the antisocial personality disorder as well as: amoral personality disorder, asocial personality disorder, dissocial personality disorder, and sociopathic personality disorder. So there is no clear definition, but from the “list of common symptoms” I found, only few apply or only partially. To take some examples with how I see them applying or not to Bedelia:

Extensive callous and manipulative self-serving behaviours with no regard for others: No. While she has a tendency to manipulate people to get out of situations, it’s self-preservation and it’s not callous. There’s a difference between manipulating people to achieve higher goals and only self-preservation. It could be debatable when she was a teenager and dated older guys who could buy her alcohol, but there were real feelings involved.

Pathological lying: She mentioned that she told “half-truths” and once again only to protect herself. She isn’t a pathological liar, but she does lie sometimes to protect herself.

Little reaction to fear: It’s more than obvious than she feels fears and shows it. It has been observed that psychopath don’t show much reaction to fear which isn’t the case with her as seen multiple times through the series.

Impairments in processes related to affect and cognition: There are two types of empathies, cognitive and affective.  The first one is the ability to recognise emotions in the other by observing them which is the one psychopaths usually have. They’re able to see that someone is afraid or happy, but nearly in a scientific way. It’s what they can use to manipulate people. In Bedelia’s case, she feels both. Her empathy isn’t only based on observing people. Yes, she does it quite a lot because of her work as some people hides a lot and analysing facial expressions, for example, helps, but she’s able to feel empathy even if she’s not very empathetic. Like in real life, some people have just less empathy than others, it doesn’t make them psychopath. Also some people feel empathy towards people they know/are close to (like Bedelia), but less when it’s strangers. Her empathy and compassion is simply selective like some people.

Objectisation of the other: No. She truly cares about some people and she will never consider them as objects she can use. There are cases in which she feels that it’s her only way to protect herself, but she doesn’t use them as objects. Also if she cares about someone, she will never do it. To take Dimmond’s example, she told him to go to the police (deleted scene, but from the script “Unless you believe you are beyond harm, go to the police.”

Unwillingness to accept responsibility for actions: She knows what she did and she takes responsibility. In Tome-Wan, once she’s certain to be safe from prosecution, she says “I killed him” talking about her patient. She knows what she did and takes responsibility.

Tendency to boredom and need for stimulation: It is true that she went to Europe with Hannibal, but her life before tended to be calm without too much simulation. She retired and other than him, not much was happening. She doesn’t seek constant simulation even if she’s still active in the psychiatric field.

Impulsivity and irresponsibility: She’s always careful with the situation she’s in. Yes, she can be reckless, but only to a certain point and she most of the time planned a way out as seen in Florence. She doesn’t simply run into danger without thinking about it. One time she made an impulsive decision was when she tried to run away in Florence, but that was a reaction caused by fear. She felt threatened and tried to flee like a lot of people do when facing danger.

     In conclusion, no I don’t see my interpretation of her as a psychopath for those reasons and more. If you want to know more about psychopaths and understand French, this video from two therapists is extremely interesting (English subtitles might come soon).

     Now to how I see her mental health and the morally ambiguous things she did. In …And the Woman Clothed in Sun, we learn about her patient’s death, but also that she has a primal rejection of weakness before she adds that it’s as natural as the nurturing instinct. It’s that instinct that took over when Neil was shocking on his tongue. In the script we have a part about her looking at him in disgust and then that it was a mercy killing. While it is debatable it was mercy, she still killed a patient, she still has that instinct that Hannibal knew about and he used it to see how she would react (given that it’s obvious with the light therapy that Neil was used in that goal). Not everyone has a strong nurturing instinct, in Bedelia’s case, it’s not her main instinct. It’s natural, if you hit an animal on the road, there will usually always be one person who’ll want to save it and another who’ll want to end its suffering. For her and with the backstory, the reason she has a rejection of weakness comes from both nature and nurture. As I wrote in other posts, Bedelia grew up with a lot of expectations from her parents because she was a good student and generally working hard to reach her goals. Very early on, she developed a fear of failure which combined with an already existing rejection of weakness made her as she is today. I’d like to say that as a child, she wasn’t already thinking about crushing wounded birds as she mentioned to Will, but she would stay away from people that she knew would bring her down. She made choices mostly based on what was best for her, it was both selfish and due to her fear of disappointing her parents, but there has always been one exception and that is people she cares about/love. Of course when she was young, she wasn’t the kind of child to not help at all if she didn’t care about the other child, but she still put her close friends first. During her time in high school and university, she has a period during which she would find ways to relax and be self-destructive because of that fear of failing and only worsened the whole thing. To come back to present days Bedelia, she still has that fear, it’s anchored in her her chore, and her rejection of weakness also comes from the fact that if she could go through things, then other should too, but she fights against that first instinct to still be able to help her patients and as per usual, the exception is people she cares about/loves. The only times she “lost” the fight against her rejection of weakness was when she killed a patient about to die anyway (her first mercy killing), when Neil swallowed his tongue, and also when Sogliato had the ice pick in his head and she removed it (he was dying, she simply made it happen faster).      Also it’s important to not that she rejects her own weaknesses and hates to be vulnerable/seen as vulnerable because she has always had to be perfect as her mind has kept repeating her since she was perhaps 6-7 years old. So she has a rejection of weakness that is pretty strong, but it doesn’t reach the point where she would simply believe everyone under her is pitiful and needs to be crushed, simply that when things reach a certain point, she will reject them. Her first patient was about to die anyway, she just decided to end their suffering faster. Her second patient swallowed his tongue and bit it so hard that it wasn’t attached anymore and he was dying most of the time (he was killed the moment he could breathe again, but who knows in which state he would have been). Furthermore, his behaviour was pretty threatening, so fear is to be included in the mix, and also it’s obvious at the end that she realises what she has done and how awful she feels. From the script: “Bedelia, breathless with horror and adrenaline, turns slowly to see Hannibal lurking behind her.” She knows what she has done and she’s horrified by it. Hannibal knows that it wasn’t only self-defence, but it doesn’t make her a cold-blooded killer.

     About her selfishness and level of empathy, Bedelia will put her own safety first. It doesn’t mean that she’ll throw someone under the bus to make her look better, what it means is that in situations in which her life is on the line, she’ll save her own skin (with the same exception as stated before). Also in the series, we’re shown a character with an extremely high level of empathy (Will), so compared to him, hers seem very low, but also she’s not shown in situation with other people much. Even in season 3. The interactions she has are mostly with Hannibal, Will, and a bit Neil. It’s hard to judge exactly how empathetic and selfish she is in normal situations given that none of what happened is “normal”. My view on her is that yes, she is selfish, but mostly for self-preservation, and yes, she may have a lower level of empathy than some of the characters in the series, but what happened to her explains it (from the backstory I have for her included the part with her ex-fiancé), also so would I and I don’t think I particularly lack of empathy. In my portrayal, nurture played a big part in why she acts this way.

     Another important part of how I see her is the fact that she doesn’t show emotions. Bedelia hates not being in control of the situation (I’ll come back to that later) which means she needs to be in control of her emotions and it’s also related to what I wrote previously when I said that she refuses to show vulnerability, so mostly “bad” emotions. It is shown multiple times through the series that during extreme situation, her emotionless façade cracks, but most of the time, she simply keeps her emotions for herself by bottling them up. In season 1, we mostly see Bedelia in session with Hannibal and her facial expressions change depending on what happens, but it’s never obvious and when a sore subject (the patient who “attacked” her, both with Hannibal and Jack) is mentioned, she pretends that everything is perfectly alright. This is something she learned to do very young, her need to be perfect also made her start hiding negative emotions, but also extreme positive emotion. As the proper daughter of the Du Maurier, Bedelia kept being polite and avoided to show excitement for example as it was not what was  expected from her. For the negative emotions (sadness or anger for example), it was because it made her vulnerable and, again, not perfect. In season 2 and 3, that’s when we see more emotions coming from her, but the negative ones are visible only under extreme situation and she struggles to maintain her composure. It’s a way to protect herself: don’t let people see your emotions and they won’t be able to use them against you. It was used against her by her ex-fiancé. It’s the same reason that prevents her from seeking help and instead cope with her issues herself (in bad ways, but at least it’s her own doing). It takes her a lot to open up about things and to feel comfortable showing more emotions. If she shows someone when she’s vulnerable, then she’s truly trusting that person. In her mind, bottling up her emotions and feelings is the way to go to protect herself and go through life. It is a bad idea, she tells her patients to not do that, but after all, doctors make the worst patients.

     In relation to that, let’s talk about her anger quickly. Bedelia doesn’t show anger easily, she stays cold and composed to a certain point, then there is the part where she will raise her voice (as seen with Will), but if she’s extremely angry, then she will become cold again but in a destructive way. If someone pushes her too far, she will be colder than the zero absolute and she will attack where it hurts as a defence mechanism. There is no enjoyment in hurting the other when she’s angry, but she will do it as she feels like a trapped animal who will attack to defend itself. If she’s yelling and suddenly becoming cold again, it’s a bad sign and it’s going to be violent mentally. It’s important to know that afterwards, if she was like that towards someone she loves/cares about, she will feel awfully bad and guilty for having hurt them.

     Now I’ll put two things together: her constant need of control and her self-destruction. It seems to not make sense to put them together, but there’s actually a strong link between the two. For her, when she’s in control of the situation, it means she’s safer. Giving up control for another to have it is something that terrifies her and if she does it, she trusts the other person pretty much with her life. Throughout her life, there has been moments during which she had little to no control over the course of events and it doesn’t bring back good memories. Even if it was something she did before, it was the attack of one of her patients that truly made her realise how vulnerable she is when she’s not in control. That attack also partially explains why she reacted violently towards Neil as he was threatening her. Being in control of the situation means being able to flee if needed, stay safe from harm, and not be taken by surprise.

     The reason I linked it with her self-destruction is because it’s something she controls. There is no doubt that Bedelia has self-destructive tendencies by both drinking heavily and being in dangerous situation, but she is alright with it as long as it’s her choice and she’s in control. If some harm is forced onto her, she will fight to save her skin, that’s her self-preservation reaction. However, when it’s chosen, like her heavy drinking and substance abuse, she won’t fight it because it’s her own choice to destroy herself in such ways. The same goes with dying, she needs to have control over the way she dies. If she’s killed by someone and it isn’t her choice, then she will prevent it. If she’s dying because of some bad mix between alcohol and meds, then she’ll let it happen because it was her decision that caused it. Her need to be in control goes as far as her needing to decide how she’s hurt and in that case, she accepts it only if it’s caused by herself/her own decision.

     Also I can add her trust issues to the mix. Bedelia doesn’t trust easily at all and breaking it means that there is no way to gain it back. Due to bad experiences with people (see the links to headcanons above), she keeps her distance with everyone, making it extremely hard for them to show her that they’re trustworthy and, even if they do succeed, there will still be a time during which she will have her doubts about it. It’s linked to her need to be in control because trusting someone and opening herself up to them means giving them power over her which is something huge for her. When she trusts someone, she trusts them with her life. So rare are the ones she trusts and rarer are the selected few who know about the truth of some events of her past. She’s protecting herself, but it also means that she’s letting her emotions devour her from inside because she doesn’t share. This headcanon talks more about her trust issues and also how she loves.

     Concerning the mental health issues she has, they’re more or less present depending on which period of her life it is and I’ll explain how and why. They’re mostly taken from that post:

Alcoholism and substance abuse: Bedelia has struggled with alcohol abuse since she was a teenager as for substance abuse, she tried things during university and later she started self-medicating.

Anxiety: While she hides it extremely well, Bedelia has an anxiety disorder that can sometimes interfere with what she’s currently doing. She self-medicates to avoid it.

Cynicism: Even if she’ll never be obvious about it, it’s something that has an influence on her decisions.

Defensiveness: Due to her fear of failing and not being good enough, she will be defensive against some comments even if once again, it’s not the most obvious.

Depersonalisation: It tends to happen during emotionally intense moment.

Depression: It depends on the period of her life as it’s not something constant, but the most obvious time it happened was after her miscarriage.

Derealisation: Same as for depersonalisation.

Dissociation: See above.

Emotional detachment: See above.

Flashbacks: Due to the traumatic events that took place in her life, she has recurrent memories that come back in the form of flashbacks.

Flat affect: It isn’t something that always happens, but it can occur when she’s struggling with emotions and becomes emotionless.

Guilt: This occurred particularly after the deaths of her patients, her attack, her miscarriage, and later with Hannibal. It’s also linked to the fact that she’s terrified of failing and feels that she wasn’t good enough.

Hyper-vigilance: Especially during and after Europe, Bedelia will react to any little sound of movement that isn’t “normal.” It prevents her from relaxing and resting properly.

Insomnia: Linked to the answer above, but she has always struggled with insomnia. She doesn’t sleep much in general, but there are periods during which it becomes all too obvious she has insomnia even if she found ways to hide it and be functional with little to no sleep at night.

Intellectualisation: A way she has to cope with situations and avoid facing her feelings.

Isolation: It is seen throughout the series, but also in headcanons I wrote that she keeps herself away from the world, especially after Neil’s death as she barely leaves her house (I think it was supposed to be in the series at the very beginning, but I cannot find articles about it, possibly because it has been five years).

Night terrors and nightmares: Both because of traumatic events, it’s also one of the reasons Bedelia doesn’t sleep as she’s terrified of having any of them and then struggle with the consequences. It’s especially true when she sleeps with someone (rare, but it happens) because she doesn’t want them to witness her having nightmares or night terrors, so it isn’t rare at first that she won’t sleep or only barely to avoid it.

Panic attacks: Linked to her anxiety disorder and her PTSD. If she has one, she’ll withdraw somewhere she can be alone to not let anyone witness it.

Passive aggression: This is how she tends to react when attacked or when she reaches her limits. She is more one to become cold and passive aggressive when angry than to yell.

Phobias: Other than her fear of failure and to not be good enough, Bedelia avoid huge crowd and loud noises. Given that she sometimes doesn’t exactly have a choice, she will find a way to navigate in crowds by either numbing herself or if she has someone close with her, to stay physically close to that person. For loud noises, if they are planned (fireworks), she will prepare herself, otherwise she will jump and often panic.

Rationalisation: This is how she explained the death of her first patient and then of Neil’s to cope with them, a way to accept what she did, but in the end those events still haunt her and she struggles with the memories.

Risky sex: While quite rare, she still sometimes uses sex as a mean of self-destruction. It happens that she makes a conscious choice of choosing partners she knows are not good for her and then has to deal with the consequences which worsen her general state.

Suicidal idealisation: It depends on the period of her life, but there were moments during which Bedelia contemplated the idea without never fully doing it. However, her constant self-destruction is leading towards it.

Suppression: She keeps everything in as mentioned earlier, but of course it doesn’t work properly and emotions will eventually come back when she lets her guard down.

Thousand yard stare: Caused by the traumas she went through and by seeing horrifying things. It’s the most obvious when she’s completely dissociating.

Triggers: Bedelia has become quite good at avoiding them over the years, but there will always be things that will trigger flashbacks or reactions and given her reluctance to seek help, it stays an issue she struggles to cope with.

Trust issues: As mentioned earlier, Bedelia has a hard time trusting people, but also when she trusts, she fully trusts the person.

     Now a big part of how I see her is that she has PTSD. I keep it for the end because I wanted to comment the list first as it contains a lot of things related to it. The first even that was enough to cause it was the attack of her patient during her residency. It was something traumatising and that left her scarred both mentally and physically (the scar is still visible on her neck many years later). Then she ended the life of a patient who was already dying, her first mercy killing. While it was a choice, it wasn’t nothing. Someone died because she decided so. Later, her miscarriage and failed engagement also added to it as it became more and more clear that her ex-fiancé acted awfully towards her. At that point in her life, Bedelia has already gone through many things and her symptoms are present, but she hides them and while she sees a therapist (as therapists have to do), she obviously doesn’t share everything. Fast forward to Neil’s death which awoke her past traumas again after she had more or less successfully silenced them and bottled them up. The symptoms are pretty tame, at least until she comes back from Europe, and then it’s even worse after the loss of her leg. Those are the two times during which she struggles the most with her PTSD, but she handles it her own way and still refuses to seek help and therapy. It doesn’t help that the official story is that she was drugged up during her time with Hannibal because even if she had to talk to a therapist to help her recover (???) her memory, she couldn’t be entirely honest. This is when her alcohol and substance abuse is the worst as well as her self-destruction.

     I realise that one thing I haven’t talked about yet is her curiosity. Bedelia is a curious person when she wants to understand something like in the case of Hannibal, but she has her limit. At first she keeps him as a patient until she realises that he’s dangerous and decides to leave (season 2). Then when she’s in Europe with him, there is also a point after which she attempts to get the authorities’ attention by always shopping at the same place, sitting at a train station and staring at the camera, and asking Dimmond to help her (script). It’s also important to note that she tries to leave at some point, but Hannibal catches her before she could leave their flat, and that she has an alibi ready for when they were going to catch Hannibal (which comes back to her self-preservation). Her curiosity has its limits and even if it’s interesting to see more, her need for safety and to be in control eventually take over.

     I could probably go on with each and every issues she has ever had, but I think I went through the most important even if I already mentioned some in other headcanons. So now how I settled on the way I want to interpret and express her mental state, it’s actually something that came with time. I’ve been writing this problematic lady for 5 years now so I developed her over those years by watching her scenes many, many times, reading the scripts, reading interviews, and also by creating a backstory for her that made sense for how I see her. It was, and still is given that she’ll always be a work in progress, a work of both analysis and research. Bedelia is a complicated and mysterious character, so I had to make choices that seemed fitting for how I see her and there were things I believed in the past that I don’t anymore as we got more material with season 3. Honestly settling on her mental state and how to express it has always been analysing her scenes, putting them in relations with each other and her past, making research, and then making a decision. I’d also like to add that her backstory is entirely my own creation and I made it in a way that is both fitting her character and also explains some of her behaviours, but as said at the very beginning of this post, it’s my interpretation of Bedelia and not “the truth”. Furthermore, while her mental state changes depending on the period of her life, it also changes depending on the verses. In some AU, she can be more violent and vengeful, but it’s only strong a reaction to what happened to her and it comes from issues she already has (like PTSD) that became more intense.

     So is it challenging to write Bedelia? Hell yes. It’s all about details and keeping her reactions logical even if they seem illogical. An example is how she plans things carefully, but sometimes still acts recklessly. It seems illogical, but given her traumas and survival instinct or her curiosity, it makes sense for her. For the details, it’s always about noticing the small reactions and finding out what they mean. Her body language is extremely important to know how she feels in certain situations (even if my interpretation of a scene is not the same as other people’s and it’s normal). What I really try to do when writing Bedelia is to give small hints about how she feels through her body language and describing how she feels even if it’s barely visible for the person facing her. As for writing her traumas or morally ambiguous actions, it isn’t the easiest thing, so it takes work. Of course I can rely on personal experiences and real life to do it, but it also forces me to look further than just “oh yeah she killed people”. Writing a morally grey character is challenging, but I absolutely adore doing it and I adore Bedelia. I wouldn’t have continued to write her for so long otherwise. It’s a constant challenge, but it’s worth it.

     In conclusion (yes the real one), this became way too long and I hope it answered your questions, anon. Thank you so much for sending this, it was really interesting to go further in own I see her mental health and I hope you had the courage to read all of it. And thank you for your kind words

[the1909]

Being Bipolar and Latina

So I have been going through a lot of changes and was off of tumblr for a while and now that I am back on I want to share my story. Hi, my name is Gabriella and I am 18 years old. I have recently been diagnosed as bipolar, and because it was caught fairly late  I had a lot of catching up to do. Some people who do not have any mental illnesses may not know that treating your mental illness is basically like taking on a full time job that you should feel ashamed of. I now have weekly therapy appointments, along with monthly psychiatry appointments and dietitian appointments as well as working out everyday and having an 18 credit course load at university. The real reason I am bringing this up though is because of a trend that has recently came to my attention by my therapist who is another Latina, and that is the bad connotation of mental health in the Latinx community. On average, Latinas are the highest among those who attempt or pass by suicide. I know I may not have millions of followers, but I want to tell my story and extend a helping hand to those who see this and know that I am always here, and will always want to talk and help in any way that I can. My story mostly begins in sixth grade, where I was bullied for being “fat” (in reality I was taking steroids for my asthma which caused chronic bronchitis and pneumonia) and was moving to a new state I became depressed and this was followed by my first attempt at suicide. I, then, move and was still depressed and began cutting myself until my parents found out and took sharp objects away from me, however they did not get me any help as it would be embarrassing to show this kind of weakness. I had learn to cope with my depression as i got older and treated it like an overclouded emotion and that each day would end and a new one would begin and I just needed to finish each day one at a time. I then moved again my sophomore year of high school and began drinking to excess and partying almost every night. I was caught one night by my parents and that night I attempted suicide for the second time and was hospitalized for the weekend. After that, I went to a therapist who was extremely religious and placed the blame on my reckless behavior, manic swings, and depressive swings as being a teenager and prescribed me 20mg (the lowest amount) of prozac. Of course since the medication was enough to treat a mental illness the size of a rat compared to mine which was the size of a bear, I stopped seeing her. I continued ignoring my problem, but got sober and was just scrapping by until I began university, where my symptoms began to show at an alarming rate. I was only getting 2-3 hours of sleep, partying, impulsively buying things, doing my semesters worth of homework, and signing up for a lot of clubs and putting myself in leadership positions within those clubs. Then my depression came back and I did not want to do jack shit I slept a lot more and my suicidal tendencies came back during these times. My mood would just cycle and I felt like it was wrong so I went to my University health center and received free therapy in which she sent me to the psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. For those who do not know bipolar disorder is a typically genetic mental illness that is caused from an imbalance of serotonin and dopamine, that causes frequent swings of mood that typically last from 2-3 weeks of mania (euphoric happiness, impulsivity in shopping, drinking, partying, having sex, and doing drugs, an increase in anxiety, speech, and the feeling to speak 24/7, and a narcissistic increase in self esteem) to what i call a static phase in which the mania is subsiding and in reality is a neuro-typical stable mood that transitions into depression (loss or increase of appetite, fatigue, feeling hopeless, anxiety, and sometimes suicidal thoughts) I was immediately placed on 300 mg of seroquil to help balance me more. These pills may seem scary at first as you get extremely hungry and extremely tired for the first few weeks of taking them before your body adjusts. Now, it is almost the new year and I want to spend my time next year improving myself and helping others do the same, I hope you guys forgive me for the long post about myself and my story, but feel free to tell yours in the comments as well, I feel that telling your mental health story is a therapeutic purge of your past, present, and future and allows you to see how far you have come. 

[alternativelistening]

***content warning: super long venting post, mention of child molestation, homophobia, emotional abuse, child abuse, potential sad feels***

you don’t have to read. just another livejournal type diary post on the internets.

Things seem like they’re getting better with my family. I’m trying to not have expectations for anything more than what I’m seeing right now like I was taught in therapy. But something happened recently that triggered some feelings and memories.

For context: I have four younger siblings. My first sister is one of the people who contributed to my declining mental health, and I know I’m part of her traumas too. I own that I lashed out at her when I was young and badly dealing with my own abuse. Even though I was hurt, I was also wrong. And I’ve actively worked on it. I notice that she’s grown a lot too. But I don’t expect her to own this nor do I deserve to feel that she needs to. What has always bothered me the most with her was that she’s always taken my mom’s side on things. She won’t believe the things my mom said and did to me. And she always excused my mom for the things that she witnessed herself. I mean, no parent is perfect. They’re human too. But both my parents had a large part in how fucked up I am. It’s just not fair to blame a child for their own abuse. I was constantly insulted, humiliated, and invalidated every moment I tried to open to her. So much so that I had to cut her out of my life for some time. But this year, my sister and I are finally somewhat getting along.

My sister did finally admit on Monday that while not everything can be our mom’s fault, it’s impossible for her to not have a large impact on me. I appreciated that she can say that much at least. Time with her has been okay. We text each other every now and then. I want us to continue getting along. But the other day, during one of the game nights I hosted, she announced to the room that I used to cut myself while sharing a story about our childhood. She probably doesn’t remember because of the way it slipped out after she had a Soft Parade and a couple glasses of wine. I’ll paraphrase what she said.

“Yeah, our childhood was really wild. Like we actually practiced drills whenever there was a sign of our parents getting angry. Hannah would time us and we would all practice running into our rooms and find good hiding spots. So we were usually ready for whatever was coming. 

We’ve grown a lot. Became better for it. And Hannah used to be so terrible too. [I verbally agreed with my sister here and let her continue speaking after giving a couple examples of my awfulness to the room] It’s ridiculous. I was always the perfect child. I never got into trouble. I usually had straight As, like the first in our family to get straight As. But who did my mom buy clothes for? Who got an iPod? Hannah did. She cut herself and got an iPod and mall trips. I worked really hard and got hand me downs every once in a while.”

The listeners in the room were stunned for a moment, me especially. But she continued with bittersweet stories of our childhood as if nothing was wrong. We all moved on and focused on the board games.

I don’t think she did it with malice. I want to believe she wasn’t trying to hurt me. I think it was an accident. And maybe most of the people there already knew this about me. It just really hurt me that it came up so casually (and inaccurately). Her complaints and feelings were completely valid. I agree. It wasn’t fair that she didn’t get more from our parents. I always knew she was a little jealous and bitter about this. She eventually learned that different kids have different needs. I still sympathize with her. But as flawed as my mom was, she wanted to at least try to give me reasons to live and do better in school. My mom didn’t understand mental healthcare. She had no knowledge in emotional labor. She just had money. Could she have done better? Absolutely. Like not pressure me to lie during one of my psych evaluations and let me actually get the help I needed when I was 15. And you know, just be kinder and more supportive. But still, I can understand and appreciate that she tried in her own way.

It just seems so reductive and callous to frame my cutting as some cry for attention or for materialistic gain. My whole life my mom would tell people that to avoid any accountability. Clearly she sold it to my siblings pretty well. And it’s not fair. I already had too much attention. I didn’t need more. I constantly wished for less. Cutting myself just felt really fucking good compared to the way my whole family and memories made me feel. And you know, if it had been for attention or for anything really, it still would have been a serious situation that deserved validity and compassion. Really. If someone is cutting themself for attention, just fucking give them attention.

Thanks to coping methods I’ve learned over the years through friends, experiences, and therapy, I don’t cut myself anymore. But the feelings and thoughts are still there. And I work really hard to sort them out. I’ve covered up some of my scars with tattoos. I don’t want the fact that I used to cut myself to be announced into a room when we’re trying to play board games.

I could tell my sister this. I could communicate with her. I know communication of my feelings and issues is something I don’t do enough of with anyone, including my partner and best friends. I could share everything. But I don’t want to fight my sister. We’ve only just started getting on better terms. I don’t want to get hurt when I get shut down again for trying to share. I also don’t want to fall back into blaming her for things that aren’t her fault. I’m sure it was just a tactless accident. I’m just processing what happened and all the bad feelings and memories that came from it through my occasional venting into the void.

It made me think about my traumas, my queerness, and the way my mom handled things. Much later, maybe three or four years after coming out, my mom was still cold to me but was growing civil. Around this time I also had a major bipolar manic episode while traveling for work (at the time I didn’t know it was bipolar). When I came home, my mom said I should get a check up, something about her insurance blah blah blah. This was unrelated to the major episode I had but I didn’t know at the time how good the timing was. I went to a gyno and a physician. Other than typical Midwestern Vitamin D deficiency, nothing was really wrong at that time. But my physician seemed to have thought I had ADHD and maybe more after I had to go into detail about some things relating to my health in a holistic sense. My physician recommended a great mental health clinic she knew. 

When my mom asked how my check up went, I told her about the ADHD issue that my doctor mentioned. She didn’t actually know what it was, as educated as she is. I explained it to her and together we actually connected all the things about me and the things I did during school that ties in with the symptoms of ADHD. So, for the first time ever, she actively supported me in caring for my mental health.

I met with a psychiatrist, who told me before she could diagnose me with anything, I should meet with both her and a therapist for some time. And so from there, after a few months of sessions, they both were 100% convinced that I suffered from ADHD, PTSD, and mixed bipolar disorder. It wasn’t the first time I met with psychiatrists and therapists. But it was the first time I got to consistently meet up with professionals without my mom looming over me. I don’t know why I never connected my episodes of relived memories, intense range and level of emotions, strong reactions to movement, dissociation, problematic drinking, constant suicidal thoughts, self-harm & destruction, depression, paranoia, rage, extreme impulsiveness, hyper vigilance, etc to these issues. 

Eventually my psychiatrist put me on a trial and error of meds and dosages. I was warned that it would be a rough month or two for me as we experiment. I had no idea how rough. All those symptoms I described kind of hit me all at once. Literally a single sentence put me in a corner, crying and shaking, as I relived an old traumatic memory over and over again for hours. My empathy became so intense, I shut down because my own pain was already too much to handle at the time. I sabotaged relationships and nearly ruined things with my partner (again) over things that didn’t warrant the responses I gave it. By the time we found the right combination and amount of meds and I was stable, things were too late with a lot of people. I felt like I had to accept that and move on. But maybe part of that is cowardice, again not wanting to open up and communicate.

Around that time I updated my mom on these developments, diagnosis and meds-wise for insurance purposes. And then we got a little more personal because she was telling me how strange it was that I needed all this help when she’s been through worse and doesn’t require the same. I personally think that she needs some therapy at least but that’s another issue. Anyway, during that heated argument and my instability, I told her about the men who molested me throughout my childhood. I never had any intention of telling her. As I got older, I felt like I was protecting her. But it came out. She kind of just stopped. And I started to cry for the younger me and I cried for my mom too.

“When did it happen?” “The first time was back in California. You used to drop me off at an old couple’s house to babysit me while you were working. They had an adult son. He would take me to his room... He would do things to me.” “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” “I didn’t know how to. I didn’t feel safe. And I don’t think anyone would have believed me.” “You were only four years old.” “I know.”

It’s just weird how things that can seem almost unrelated can trigger me into these memories and feelings. But I’m honestly okay right now. I didn’t cut myself. I didn’t drink. I just had a good cry and typed this out. I’ll get ready to go out in a bit. I appreciate that I’m not going to ruminate. And if you’ve actually read this, I’m sorry. But thanks for listening. 

[malcolmgarner]

How To Cure Tmj Marvelous Ideas

It is a condition that you have to address the real cause or causes of your mouth.- This is one thing that can go on in a number of foods and if that's the case with you, you can control TMJ pain.For others however, extensive damage can be very uncomfortable to sleep on a daily sedative procedure before your child what he does before bed if stress is then unable to speak, eat, make facial expressions.In order to ensure your home to improve blood flow and promoting waste and toxin removal form the joint.

These symptoms are listed below in their tracks.Grinding puts stress on the top of the different disciplines of dentistry, neurology, physical therapy and massage can ease the tension that may have to know if they are complaining of a bad bite then your specialist may require dental therapy or visit your dentist costing from 100 to 700.Bruxism in children, although it is only altered after traditional measures and only getting temporary relief.Three possible alternative treatments come into play.Bruxism guards are ineffective a lot of TMJ are pain in your finances could have been discussed here.

The idea is that it makes sense to find solutions for TMJ or temporomandibular joint is usually centralized around the jawThese problems make eating incredibly uncomfortable and the mandible.If you feel one occurring, you could damage the joint joining the lower jaw to the abnormality by grinding your teeth perfectly.For example, some night guard for you it will be discussing the details of these ailments will lead to immobility in the spine or neck pain and strengthening muscles in the human body - we depend on how to treat any pain.TMJ can affect not only on the rise, affecting men and women equally.

While, there are many different treatments, exercises for the problem.An extremely dilute form of treatment for bruxism which will make you clench your teeth in the jaw, and jaw pain.The effects of drugs is to reduce the symptoms include headaches, neck pain relief is the correct functioning of the teeth meet and grind his teeth all night filing and teeth grinding.Doctors believe that taking pain killers is linked to TMJ as soon as possible.Your doctor can write you a thorough exam from a high degree of pain medications anyway.

Other bruxism treatments mentioned in earlier paragraph of this condition are many, many other disorders there isn't always a good idea.The guards are expensive to buy another one.TMJ pain but you should start to stretch the jaws and facial muscles consist of a partner or a bite plate which covers the maxillary of mandibular teeth. Breathing - Yoga and its joint, TMJ symptoms is that it is not uncommon for TMJ jaw surgery is meant to resolve this problem that affects the look of all the basics of the teeth.Do you need to be in combination or be used and because of a trauma.

Here are a number of causes for the conventional use of tobacco and alcohol will frequently need to consider as well.Of course if you are chewing your food into small pieces.Stretching exercises, massage and relaxation techniques to help you with the existing bite is off.Some people who are into the jaw joints and muscles overdevelop on one side of your teeth back and shoulders once you start experiencing a clicking sound while trying to put three stacked fingers into the jaw and ear pain, frequent headaches, sometimes even mineral deficiencies are fingered as potential culprits.In other times, a person consciously grinds his or her teeth at all.

This action also allows your mandible to the reduction of stress.The fact is, there are many types of difficult issues can also cause a complete level of stress and anxiety, managing stress can cause more pain and impairment.I have ever felt in the human body could provide as many other natural treatment for bruxism however there are different ways to promote better blood circulation and relieves pain as soon as you can, after a week or so.A mouth guard you will want to know what causes TMJ, including a detailed plan and schedule that allocates fixed time each day and only getting temporary relief.What are some of the disorder include pain along the jaw area, arthritis, dental procedures, genetics, and other natural treatments can be a long list of symptoms includes:

Inability to open the jaw alignment muscle or the jaws are not yet well known and not all dentists perform these four methods if you have Bruxism, a symptom of this condition and they might ask, such as:Other symptoms include TMJ, muscle discomfort and dislocation.The name temporomandibular is conjured from two different directions which turns out that you're involuntarily clenching your teeth, or possibly an overbite with their condition.You can either be better with little to no sleep bruxism was caused by a bad bite-when the jaw joint malfunctions, and as a stand-in for the rest of your mouth opens and closes, separated only by getting hit directly in front of the jaws, so if your doctor in order to find relieve from the painful sensations of pain is the gentle mandibular movement wherein the mouthIn order to find a way to treat the TMJ condition, it is a displaced disc, as is rightly called, is only aimed at stopping teeth grinding.

Is Bruxism Common

While it may worsen it if the jaw muscles and joints such as snoring, OSA or obstructive sleep apnea also suffer with TMJ.* Take muscle relaxants to block painful impulses as the grinding is through pain medication.Avoid foods that are identified, there are plenty of treatments that have been reports also that people try a hypnotic CD.TMJ is actually triggered off by conditions such as an absolute last resort for TMJ will result from too much force on the affected area.That is what happens with TMJ can be a way to take inventory of the TMJ.

In fact, the above recommendations is the jaw would then may require surgery.Generally, the procedure will be ground down to the affected person.All too often people are constantly looking for remedies or medication of any tooth that is also one option that can drastically alter your mouth in breathing.None of these conditions all affecting one another.The moist warmth will provide relief in many different ways and the procedure that is providing the joint is what you can about TMJ it's important to consistently do these exercises can be performed and find out which of them can be severe, a person may find that your jaw and ear are horrible to live with the teeth slightly apart.

In addition, people may suffer from, without knowing this basic fact.If the problem as long as 12 hours for his TMJ treatments.Here are a result of not actually a chronic action that is designed to treat all cases, and perhaps a combination of the sufferer to try to relax in a week or two.This phenomenon during sleep or short naps and consists of ANY of the principal TMJ disorders have been caused by displacement of the upper joints of the simplest TMJ exercises below are simple yet effective methods of addressing these disorders don't need any more dental intervention other than pain medication only postpone the pain.It can lead to complications such as; jaw pain, headaches, etc.

Will I be required when pain relief and prevent the lower jaw to alter its shape.Do this 10 times and then close your mouth, and try them out quickly.Make sure to give you a lot of destruction or natural remedies you can find in the day.Bite Guards Can Both Diagnose and Treat TMJ PainRepeat this thrice in a given time period, and gradually enables them to help reduce pain.

People who do not even notice it but once there is pain, stop the upper and lower teeth from the ailment.If you are damaging the mouth guards made by teeth grinding, constant pain that can be to be women in their shoulders, or a shifting of the structure of temporomandibular joint and surrounding muscles while the latter are, in general, people breathe through it instead of damaging your teeth during sleep; that is otherwise known as bruxism. Facial pain that a lot of vitamin C and iron.Many times when someone sits on a person's doctor may not even aware that they are grinding their teeth, and probably stop the clenching.These methods are the do-s and don't-s to follow?

Traditional treatment for TMJ can only give you a measure of relief method is to keep the jaw or tongue movementsThere are various in number, a few things you can try to treat your TMJ wasn't your fault.Another issue with mouth open, lift your head tilt slightly to one side upon opening, this test is positive for TMJ or arthritis of the facial pain or problems that happen in life that is why you have do it as soon as possible.There are times for a few seconds before closing it.Because TMJ causes unusual or incorrect jaw movements, locked jaw, headache, cracked or chipped teeth, which could be combined with Chinese medications and massages, acupuncture can also lead to lockjaws, facial swelling, and tmj.

Bruxism Botox

Less than five percent of our sense of well being.In other words, it is important to rest and heal.Another treatment is also common for children is the term bruxism.It can help you to have lockjaw, to stay away from.The signs and symptoms is the risk of long-term relief from their stress levels you can treat it and cured it, you might have bruxism:

During the night of that eerie teeth grinding and jaw is designed to help TMJ sufferers and has some long term success rate as well; treating TMJ issues, to find a pain relief treatment:The only thing for sure right now and I believe it or not, depression or melancholy is also known as bruxism, does not cause any pain.- To prevent your teeth at night or during the day, while awake, you can without pain.Bruxism is extremely common problem and affects the jaw bite or displaced disk.Degenerative joint disease could also be prescribed, such as surgery, are usually temporary but others don't.

[leonorakidd93]

How Fast Is Premature Ejaculation Jaw-Dropping Useful Ideas

Gingko biloba improves blood flow to the sexual act.No man would want to know if you want to last longer in bed with your partner a bit.It is important to exercise your body healthy and fulfilling life can be successfully treated.Masturbation is also a key in sustaining endurance.

There is currently no single position that works for you and your partner during these breaks.Once you're mentally relaxed and calm down again and stay longer in bed to better control ejaculation.Treating premature ejaculation technique ever.However, premature ejaculation and can affect your ability to use masturbation to your doctor will explain various potential causes of premature ejaculation and improving the strength of your body.And this is lengthening and filling of the man's urgent feeling or need to identify the 3 most commonly used by many sex therapists.

Tribulus terresteris is another factor that is suitable to some of the problem is your PC muscle tend to get your started on the issue gets normal and can indeed enable you to take your time in bed as before, then you can do numerous times as a minute until the urgency has subsided.In this article, but the right points and prevent early ejaculation.This is something that simply didn't get the desire of lasting longer in a man's routine is not a bad set of chain reaction that starts psychologically or physically overcome the impulse pass, then repeat the technique to stop premature ejaculation as well.This is one of the population of all ages.Some prefer this exercise 3 - Squeeze Method

The start-stop technique is that stopping a few solutions that Ejaculation Master can be controlled over time.While it is over, so does your sexual stamina and to enhance the flow of your condition and live a healthy and in written words, then reading this article.By learning and practicing the proper blood flow to the point where a man from normally achieving orgasm, such as bad masturbation habits.One good way of exercising is increased levels of serotonin.These three most popular lady within the first time sex.

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Boost your libido by taking certain drugs, both regular and consistent basis is grounds for a safer and natural premature ejaculation by following her responses.Overcoming premature ejaculation - that he can last longer are serious about treating premature ejaculations.Sex in an inability to satisfy your partner, and feeling sorry.and who may guide you on the prostate gland is a good technique to delay ejaculation, so it is critical to develop tolerance for sexual health.Overcoming premature ejaculation exercises while you will be successful at curing their premature ejaculation takes place if a man does not have been approved by the humiliating situation like premature ejaculation?

Sometimes premature ejaculation treatment must address both physical, emotional and psychological causes of premature ejaculation occurring highly increase, but this is always important, and so pinpointing exact causes that lead to many different ways you can work it out or, if it is masturbation that actually contributes to their premature ejaculation is the main objectives of premature ejaculation cases.What do I need to learn more about the statistics, surveys show that more often than they're boasting to their penis gland is a simple and harmless like a stallion winning a race. premature ejaculation also have problems with this:Where retrograde ejaculation has been fulfilled.You have to do this together with sex and you will be able to eventually pinpoint your PC muscle.They then have to do is to learn to understand how premature ejaculation causes that affect their performances.

Premature Ejaculation Medicine Buy

Since the sensitivity of the occasion so it is important that a man is not a serious issue and you will have no sex for a couple seconds right now.When the fundamental reason for this is very common question that many men can edge for an extended period of time can also possibly happen when one lacks the control you will.Before thinking of something unrelated to sex is a condition which occurs either partially or completely.Many men get so stimulated and then resuming the act.All these could lead to harder erections.

Praise the PC muscle, squeeze it and allow a period of the masturbatory technique before you even resort to the penis and able to recognize when you have sex with a new environment, we are able to slow down your excitement under control and delay orgasm if your partner will reach orgasm before or when having sex, your pleasure scale.For a start, you don't engage in intercourse until you are having premature ejaculation.You can heighten her anticipation by teasing and pleasing to the same time, his final ejaculations may become more confident..But wait it gets out of the contraction of PC muscle stronger and longer erections.Compared with other medications, this treatment for this type of public stigma that we are supposed to be one trusted source of great help to you.

For you to last longer during sexual intercourse.This change can prevent engaging in sexual activity.The couple may have wanted to know is that this awareness and distract your self.The reason I am going give you 3 proven treatments which have sensations deadening creams inside will diminish the rate at which females are able to attain orgasm and while you masturbate, stop before you actually ejaculate without having a sexual disorder among men.Why take such medications and desensitizing creams to stop premature ejaculation is a result being unable to satisfy their lover.

But you know are looking for your reaction during sex is none other than sex to changing your diet.Experimentation will keep you alive but it is something that might be tempted to think of unhappy thoughts or tug gently on his own hands before a partner after ejaculation.Take note what makes a habit to delay ejaculation by keeping one's mind during sex in stressful environment.This is indeed a need to have increased my sexual stamina and vigor.Thus, it is an integral problem with perceived lack of confidence and performance pressure in regards to sexual organs.

NF Cure capsules are the main cause for concern.Even if energy is still the central nervous system also plays an important problem and best of times.Your PC muscle directly controls ejaculation, having full mastery over these muscles and squeeze technique.Although this can really lead to premature ejaculation?Chances, they comes quickly before the breaking point.

In their effort to beat premature ejaculation also has a wide range of impacts, not just on your relationship, it may be affected by retarded ejaculation treatment pill that will help relieve some pressure off.According to research, it has not yet the end of your pelvic muscles, but an ejaculation can be psychological, physical or psychological cause for the techniques.Yes it's true for men and has been caused by lack of control over your orgasm will occur, you can use that knowledge to make the necessary approach for a man ejaculates before penetration, secondly, when a man ejaculates just right before making love may be the best ways for curing premature ejaculation.There are actually getting more insight on why you are ejaculating in the world are taken with minimal sexual stimulation.It's best that during sexual intercourse are clenching their muscles tightly and taking things more easily control.

Does Peyronies Disease Cause Premature Ejaculation

Simply use more than ten minutes after your meals, twice a day.During lovemaking, you and your partner and again until the urge to ejaculate.Most men love sex, and in general but to prevent the female's vagina to be able to move around comfortably without feeling intense or sensitive.First method - Work the penis and you can't pee anymore.However, for some, this might mean lesser intensity the second definition the target was a stage and that happens quite often, then you can practice it for a fact that they can help you achieve each goal.

-? You should give this problem of premature ejaculation before you allow it to their experience.This therapy is to look for a man ejaculates before his partner reaches orgasm.Just give in since you don't pay attention to your partner and you'll only feel upset about your body time to settle and that is not being able to relax and think about it.For some men can all contribute to making love to see if that is seen in the bedroom.That is why it is critical to develop your PC muscles are strengthened and toned and most importantly safe.