#it has come to my attention that the internet should be taken away from me

[katasstrophy]

more blue lock text posts for @yaakultt and her only! 😤 I think this is my finest work yet. (part 1) (part 2) (part 4) (part 5)

[chrollohearttags]

𝖗𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗𝖇 • 𝖊. 𝖏𝖆𝖊𝖌𝖊𝖗: chapter four

synopsis: after a successful performance at Rolling Loud, (y/n) is approached by a member of the talent agency with a proposition that she can’t refuse. Because of this, she finds herself sacrificing her prior plans with EJ. Where she fears that she’s pushed the rapper away. But passing time and building tensions cause the pair to reveal their true feelings that they never got to reveal in person.

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cw: language, mentions of alcohol and weed, sexual themes, phone sex, masturbation, dirty talk

wc: 7.4k

📝: I know you guys have been waiting patiently on this one and I promise I’m not tired of it or anything, full fic chapters just take a bit more time and I didn’t want to rush or half ass it. So I hope y’all enjoy.

“And what would you say if I told you I wanted you just as bad..would you hold it against me?” “When I want to fuck the shit out of you? Not at all..”

“What exactly do you have in mind?..”

the first words to fly from (y/n)’s mouth amid this mystery man’s proposition. True enough, he may have been a representative on behalf of your talent agency but you didn’t know him from a hole in the ground. And why come here of all places? Wouldn’t this be better suited for an office. Still, you’d hear him out for the hell of it. “We want you to star in one of our artist’s new music videos. He begins rolling out his album this week and he’ll be dropping the lead single. We figured what better way to get people talking than to have a rising star like you alongside him.”

what should have been a compliment seemed a bit backhanded in your eyes. Naturally, it made sense to have someone popular as yourself next to him to garner attention but you couldn’t help but think that he was picturing you as more of a controversy piece than anything. Homie hopping through different rappers was not a good look. leaning against the doorway, you’d furrow your brow a bit, folding your arms as well. He could sense that you were a little hesitant of the idea but he was sure he’d sell you on the idea eventually.“I’ll be honest, that performance tonight was incredible. What you did out there was beyond words. It’s only been an hour and the internet is going crazy. You’re a big deal, miss (l/n)..I wouldn’t take it lightly. In fact, he specifically requested you.”

for a moment, you’d sit with his words and just ponder on what he meant. Naturally, you were a bit skeptical that this mysterious man just approached you out of nowhere and asked to be in a music video. The problem wasn’t exactly the offer itself as you were deeply flattered but rather the fact that it was only being extended to you..“No offense, Mr. Smith, but I wasn’t the only one on that stage tonight. My girls were equally as amazing so where is their video shoot?” Truthfully, he couldn’t argue with you there and he understood why it came off a bit shady but there was another part he hadn’t told you. Merely chuckling, Erwin leaned over against a nearby stand. “I agree, everyone has done so wonderful. But simply put..you’re our client and the group as a collective, is not. Truth is, we want to get the ball rolling on this as soon as tomorrow morning. The second he’s done here, he’ll be boarding a flight and headed to L.A and we hope you’ll join him. The way I see it, the more the merrier so if the other lovely ladies would like to tag along and star in the shoot, we’d be happy to have them. Whether you decide to invite everyone or do it on your own..you only have an hour to make your decision. We know it’s sudden notice so we’ll pay you quite amicably..twice as much as the club gig plus full expenses covered. We want to ensure you’re taken care of. So, does that sound like a deal?” after hearing those terms, your mind was all but made up! You had made a pretty good grip off of that club appearance plus the brand deals that followed after so to double that..you were game. Looking up at him, (y/n) flashed the big time executive a smile and assured him that not only would you be there but you’d have the rest of the crew with you. with that, the two of you parted ways for the time being. Leaving you to make a couple calls and get things in order. you couldn’t believe you had been presented with something like this and that this artist had requested you personally! It felt like such a huge honor. Although, it did beg the question….

who the hell was the rapper you’d be working with?! He never told you that part. Surely, it couldn’t have been EJ because he definitely would’ve said something or asked you himself. Which still left a handful of artists signed to them that could be performing tonight. Speaking of, the one person’s set you wanted to see was up next so you’d shoot a text to your group chat, telling all of them to call you immediately and that it was important.

hopefully, they'll answer on time and you could make a break back to the hotel to get packed and board that flight in less than an hour. You had never been on such a tight schedule but it was a sign of things to come you supposed.

maybe you were finally about to ascend into that next level. That your star would be rising a lot sooner than you thought. Now was no time for contemplation anyways. You had to go get this money!

a few moments later, your phone would begin ringing and it was Niesha calling. A complete shocker that she was the one to pick up. But it’s when you swiped over and the video connected, that you’d be greeted by all of their drunken, smiling faces. “(Y/NNNN), hey bookie. What’s wrong?” Niesha, slightly slurring her words as loud music and lights thumped behind her in the background. It seemed like they were having a good time and you hated to disturb that but this was important.

“Hey, listen. I know it’s soon but can y’all make it to the hotel in an hour? I just got us a good ass gig. They said they’ll fly us out—“

however, before you could finish your little rundown, you were interrupted by the sounds of faint groaning. “C’monnn, (y/n). We just got done working. Take a break for a little bit. You’re gonna run yourself in the ground, baby.”

now normally, your best friend never led you astray or gave you some dumb advice but with this much riding on it, you were not trying to hear that bullshit! “Y’all, I’m serious. The man from my talent agency just offered me a spot in a music video and said that if we can all be there, we can all be in it.”

even though you were speaking, there was no way she or anyone else was hearing you. Nor did they care to, honestly..that’s when the more level headed member Brianne jumped in and sounded off. It just wasn’t with the result you expected.

“(Y/N), listen..can’t believe I’m saying this but Niesha’s right. We need a break. You’ve been working real hard and so have we. It’s Rolling Loud weekend. It’s some good parties, go enjoy them and enjoy yourself. It can wait.”

“No, Bri. This can’t wait! Y’all, please. I’m trying to get us paid. You know imma break bread with y’all first.”

that’s when you’d see those pink curls step back into frame and that you were about to get unfiltered advice from the one who always gave it to you straight..

“(Y/N), baby. I’m sorry. I’m sure it’s cool and a legit offer and all but we have three performances in the next month that you have us booked for. You gotta give yourself some time to rest and have fun. Bitch, life is too short to be working all the time. What good is some money if you ain’t here to spend it?” She had a good point and you hated it..but still…you had to take the chance!

“Nieshaaaa, don’t do this.”

“I’m not doing nothing. You know I’m right..”

just then, you’d see another person enter the frame and they were calling for Niesha..pulling her into a bunch of kisses and gently grabbing her waist when they did. “I’ve been looking for you.” And she looked thrilled to see them too. It was the blonde dude from earlier and it was safe to assume she had been doing more than ‘talking’ to him.

“Girl, as you can see I’m kinda busy. Imma call you later, bitch. Byeee.”

before you could stop her, she’d disconnect the line and you were left looking dumbfounded…that was utterly pointless. There was no way you’d get them all corralled and of coherent mind in an hour. As they were right now, they’d do nothing but give Pole Assassins and yourself a bad rap.

letting out a deep sigh, you’d regroup and cut to plan b; taking this gig solo! You wanted to share this with them but you couldn’t beg four grown women to act right. Besides, they had been going hard and you admittedly had been pushing them so maybe they had earned a break, even if you didn’t want one.

just then, your never ending train of thought was derailed by the sounds of loud screaming and chants. Along with that same voice that had you swooning not too long ago.

“Rolling Loud, make some fucking noise!”

EJ’s set had already begun and you didn’t want to miss a single second. It was very rare that he’d even make an appearance and judging by the volume of those shrieks, everyone shared the same sentiment. Rushing over to a nearby tv screen streaming the performance, you’d see him moving across, hype as ever and completely in his element.

one of his newest singles that had been making its rounds was his first track and of course, you knew every word. He left you in awe every single time. That’s when another realization crossed your mind and crushed you all the same…

the two of you had plans! Plans to hang out and hopefully get to know one another better..something you had been looking forward to but obviously, work came first. You couldn’t just abandon such a big opportunity for a man, not even someone as famous as him.

not only would it just be utterly stupid but you’d be a grade A hypocrite as well. Soon, your smile began to fade and the excitement you felt listening to his voice faded to white noise. Right now, sticking around wasn’t an option. You’d only further hurt your own feelings, thinking about someone who was nothing more than an acquaintance to you and time was getting shorter. This was far more important.

taking one final glance back at the screen, you’d then shoot off to grab your things. You could make it back to the hotel in about ten minutes, get your things packed and meet them in the lobby before time was even up. You wanted to show the agency you were serious about building your brand. Anything else would have to wait..

“I’m sorry, EJ. I’m sure you, of all people, understand what it’s like. I’m sure we’ll kick it again soon but right now, I gotta go.”

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12:35am, departing from Miami International Airport

Just as Mr. Smith had promised, you found yourself boarding the steps of the private Boeing 747 jet a little after midnight. For a while, you’d be saying goodbye to Miami and headed to the second infamous Sunshine State.

what awaited you was a mystery, as it’d be your first time doing a music video. Not only that but starring in one as well. All of these huge opportunities are coming your way and yet, you couldn’t help but feel a bit of anxiety and guilt. You knew that it was of no fault of your own that your girls chose to stay behind but you weren’t the type to switch up on the people you started with just because of a little bit of money. But now wasn’t the time to sit and contemplate your decisions. You had to go into work mode and get your mind right. Once you made it to the top step and onto the mahogany carpets of the plane, you were greeted by two faces you had only seen in pictures and friendly gestures. “So you did make it..man, I’m so glad.”

it was none other than rapper Prince Cee, aka Connie Springer. He, along with the man sitting across from him, Onya The God, were both a part of the same collective as EJ and were super talented. You were a fan of their whole group and couldn’t believe that it was him requesting that you be in his video. Although you hadn’t been formally introduced, neither of them had a problem standing up to greet you with a giant hug. Dressed in all of their designer clothes, chains swinging from around their necks and smelling like Baccarat cologne, you couldn’t help but shudder a bit..was this man and his whole crew this fine?!

“Well don’t be a stranger, lil mama. Go ahead and get comfortable, we got a long flight and I know you probably tired.” and he’d be correct. After being in seven inch stilettos for nearly an hour, twirling nearly twenty feet in the air, exhausted would be an understatement. How your girls had the energy to go party after performing, was insane. But you’d accept Onya’s offer and take the third seat across from them. You had only been on a few planes in your lifetime but this was nothing like you had ever seen. Red leather seats that resembled sofas, foot rests, silver buckets housing unopened bottles of champagne and a spread of delicacies that they were more than happy to share. just then, you’d hear the pilot signaling for takeoff and you’d feel the plane began to lift up.

“Yeah. I appreciate you guys inviting me for this..I honestly can’t believe it.”

“Ain’t no problem, baby. You was our first pick when they asked us. We know it was a little bit late to but we happy you decided to come.”

Connie, who was in the midst of opening some champagne, poured you all a glass once the fluid fizzled out. After such a successful performance and the beginning of his album rollout, he was going to enjoy this tiny break and celebrate to his heart's content. Just for the occasion, he had been given a new chain that was currently laced around his neck.

meanwhile, you sat cross legged away from the two gentlemen, taking a bite of some snacks before engaging in the conversation. “What about your homegirls though? They didn’t want to come?”

to which you’d simply shake your head as you sipped your drink. “They had something else they were working on so they couldn’t make it.” Not wanting to let these strangers in on their laxed attitude and refusal to show. You didn’t hold it against them. If they wanted to rest and play, that was fine by you. But nothing was going to stop your grind.

“That’s too bad. Would’ve loved to had the whole crew but we gone have fun, promise. If it’s anything we can do to make you feel comfortable or make it easier, just let us know. We wanna take care of you.”

if it were one thing you were incredibly grateful for, it was these guys’ kind hospitality. You were admittedly a little scared to take this leap alone but you didn’t have to be so closed off. They were like coworkers; employed under the exact same talent agency as yourself but to them?

“Yeah, we like family now!” Connie, who had raised his glass to propose a toast on behalf of yourself, their performance and the pending success of the album. Prompting both you and Onya to follow suit. You were so excited for what was to come. There was a nine hour trek to California so it was best to become friendly.

the three of you eventually began talking, drinking, listening to music and just having a good time. They were both so respectful and nice. Complete opposite of what the media portrayed of their personas. They asked about your pole dancing, told you how crazy you guys’ dance went and that they’d love to have you on stage with them some time. it made you feel so much better about things and that you felt as if you made the right decision. However, it wasn’t until he brought up a mutual acquaintance that the guilt kicked right back in.

it was when you asked about what type of concept he was going for in the shoot and what to expect that it came about..

“Well we just wanted this shit to look like one big party..cameos from all our friends…have some pretty women slide through. Just have fun. We even tried to get EJ in it but his ass don’t even know how to just relax and play.”

EJ! The same EJ you had just stood up without so much as a word! How the hell could you have forgotten that he had just invited you out.

taking a hard swallow, (y/n) tossed the remainder of your champagne down your throat and kept your eyes focused on the two of them, so as not to appear nervous. You were incredibly frustrated with yourself right now. “EJ was going to be in the video?”

“That’s what we had planned. We asked him to get on this flight with us and come out but he said he had something more important to do. That he had plans tonight and tomorrow.”

right then, your heart damn near sank..you were almost certain said plans were hanging out with you and selfishly, you just abandoned them to chase a dollar. Could’ve at least had the courtesy to apologize but with you all thirty thousand feet in the air, you doubted any correspondence would make it through to him at this altitude.

the best you could do was perform some damage control when you landed and try to apologize. But with someone like him, excuses probably didn’t mean much. He struck you as the type of person who was very strict in his boundaries and you had once, maybe twice as best to do him dirt before dismissing you altogether.

“I’m telling you, that man don’t know nothing but work. Only way he’ll pop out at a club is if they pay him. He won’t do parties, it’s always serious with his ass.” Connie expressed as he rubbed the back of his neck, seemingly uncomfortable with his friend’s behavior.

“Is it that bad?” Pretending to be oblivious to his behavior, even though you witnessed and heard it from his mouth firsthand. Chuckling as you took a bite of a strawberry.

“He wouldn’t even let me record on the first day because I showed up five minutes late and he hated the song! Kicked me out and told me don’t come back until I had something better.”

now you couldn’t help but laugh a bit because he himself had told you that he didn’t play when it came to recording and producing for people. He hated having his time wasted and he said from his own admission: “I won’t put my name on some bullshit. I refuse. Waste my time with some dumbass song and I’ll put you out.”

it would take only one conversation to realize how much of a no nonsense person he was. So it came as no surprise that he didn’t want to participate in this. As to why he didn’t want to go to his little friend’s get together and why he preferred to chill with one person. Which made you feel all the more worse because he looked so excited to hang out.

“Don’t worry, he’s not as bad as you think. He’s actually pretty cool when you get to know him. He just stays to himself and don’t really be with all the drama. Would be nice to see his ass relax though. Be making me fucking nervous..gone fuck around and have a heart attack before he turns thirty.”

Onya, shaking his head as he drank the remainder of his glass. It seemed that these dudes cared deeply for Eren, as your friends did for you. When they told you to take it easy, they meant it from a place of love. Not of laziness..maybe when you got back to Miami, you’d take some time off and possibly get a rain check for your ‘date’. That’s if he’d even talk to you again!

for now, you’d enjoy the venture through the skies and the remainder of your long night.

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meanwhile, a blacked out sedan transporting the Grammy award winning rapper was slowly peeling from the parking lot of the arena when it was bum rushed by a bunch of rabid fangirls. “We love you, EJ!” “Marry me!” Could be heard from behind the glass as Eren attempted to ignore it. This was all but inevitable every time he made a public appearance. Hence why he preferred to stay home! He had just finished up his surprise headline performance and it was every bit of the amazing experience everyone knew it would be.

he had ‘crashed’ his friends’ performance, coming out during him and Prince Cee’s joint song..only to steal the show and finish out the night with a few of his own tracks.

somehow, it always ended like this. Him chasing women off with a stick and not being interested in the slightest. “You’re a lucky man, Mr. Jaeger. Not many people can say they have women chasing them down the street.” Currently, he was sitting spread legged in his seat, nonchalantly igniting his blunt as his assistant chimed off.

he wasn’t concerned about them at all. Half of them just hopeless groupies; probably married or had a man and was hoping he’d snatch them up instead. It wasn’t uncommon for artists to hook up with fans but he’d never do such a thing and cross that boundary. Besides, he didn’t want something everyone else could have.

“Mhm. If you say so.” He really wasn’t in the mood to entertain anyone right now. Except the one person he had invited out..yet, when he left, there was no sign of (y/n) anywhere. He assumed that you’d be waiting for him backstage or in his dressing room. Perhaps it was wishful thinking of a dynamic that didn’t really exist between you two like that.

maybe he had been a bit too forward with inviting you to kick it with him..seeing that he was visibly annoyed, his faithful assistant Floch tried to change the subject.

“So Mr. Springer has already left to shoot his video, he told me that he wished you would’ve joined them but he knew you’d probably decline..” as he was rambling, Eren just peered down at his phone, mindlessly scrolling at nothing..hoping he’d get a response from the one person he wanted to hear from. Not paying him any attention until he said something that piqued the artist’s interest.

“They left with some girl who’s supposed to be the lead. She was stunning too..I seen Mr. Smith from the talent agency talking to her. I think she was one of those pole dancer girls from earlier.” Just then, his head rose up slowly and he’d shoot him a glare.

“What did you say?” And by his tone, Floch became terrified because he wasn’t sure if he had something wrong.

“I—uh, just saw Mr. Smith talking to her. Apparently Mr. Springer asked her to be in his video so she left.”

“What’s her name? The redhead suddenly shifted in his seat; he had to think about it for a moment but just then it clicked as he recalled seeing a name inscribed on the back of her jacket.

“(Y-y/n)..I believe.”

just then, he felt a feeling that had never registered with him before..was this sadness? Jealousy?…less known over a woman?! He barely even knew this chick and here he was getting possessive and upset that she left to go be in a music video with one of his friends.

and he knew Floch wasn’t saying any of this to be condescending or funny because he had no idea about the little bond that had formed or the rumors that were circulating. He was a true professional to his core and made it his mission to stay out of his boss’ private affairs.

however, Eren was losing his mind a little. On one hand, if he became irate, it’d give away the fact that he had developed a bit of a crush on the influencer. On the other, he couldn’t believe that Connie would ask for you specifically, especially when he was somewhat aware of what went down.

“..I see.” nodding his head and glaring aimlessly from the window. Letting a smirk crack across his lips eventually..hell, all he could do now was charge it to the game and go on about his business. No time to be jealous or get in his feelings. Instead… “Hey Floch. Set me up a flight to Atlanta. First thing in the morning.” For now, he had to get you off his mind and he knew just the way how.

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page break and time skip

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“Beautiful! Love it, guys.” the voice of the video director echoed through a megaphone at studio set six. You all had just finished out the remainder of the music video you were shooting. Things were wrapping up and it was yet another task you could check off your goal list. Saying you were the star of a music video was going to be huge.

“Aye, (y/n). That was perfect. Thank you so much, beautiful.” “Yeah, you did your thing, ma. We appreciate you.”

the two gentlemen you had attended with came over and greeted you with giant hugs as a show of their gratitude. It had been a few days since you touched down in Los Angeles and it was nothing like you had pictured. Then again, you were here partaking in work rather than leisure. You were behind studio walls instead of walking Rodeo so naturally, it all looked different. But it wasn’t all too bad.

plus, with the hefty paycheck that Mr. Smith had deposited to you, you had no complaints!

“No, thank you both for inviting me. This has been so much fun and I can’t thank you enough for the opportunity.”

needless to say, the shoot was a success. It involved a pool party, riding a motorcycle and you even dancing on Prince Cee’s lap. And you couldn’t lie..it had been a hell of a long time since you’d had a man grip your waist like that so you enjoyed that part a little too much! It’d be a shock for sure when it was finally released to the world to see yourself being felt up by him.

but this was just business and nothing beyond it. People do that all the time. Once they finish all the editing, it’d be released later this week, along with two new songs from the duo and you were so excited for both of them. You had no doubt that his album would be a huge hit. You were truly rooting for them.

“It’s all good. Like we said, we family now and you did us a big favor. Let us take you to dinner tonight and show you around. I know you said you ain’t never been out here before so we gotta take you to one of the best spots out here.”

“I’d really like that, y’all. Thank you so much.”

with that, plans for the evening had been set in motion. It would be nice to actually get out and enjoy LA before you had to leave..and who knew the next time you’d be able to visit? It was around seven at night over here on the west coast and you couldn’t help but wonder how your girls were spending their night. You had heard from them earlier in the form of a FaceTime call..all of them congratulating you on the video and saying they couldn’t wait to see it. meanwhile, they had been partying nonstop. Sailing on yachts, going to clubs and Niesha was being pampered by her little producer boyfriend. You were truly happy for them and loved to see their smiles.

but you also couldn’t help but to think about how a certain someone was doing. The second you touched down, you sent Eren a text apologizing for standing him up. Explaining that it wasn’t intentional but you had a job come up and if he were still interested in hanging out once you got back to Florida, you’d love to.

however, it went unanswered and you felt terrible. He wasn’t like everyone else nowadays. You couldn’t go stalk his social media or see what he was up to because he was so tight lipped about his life. Which you couldn’t fault him for at all but it didn’t stop you from worrying. You guys were constantly texting and even talked on the phone. Per your last conversation, you seemed fairly close but maybe he was mad at you. Someone like him didn’t put too much stake in people so you were probably not even on his mind now.

which sucked to think about…because he was a lot of fun. He made you laugh and not to mention, his playful flirting invoked feelings in you that hadn’t ever been there with anyone else. You saw his comments he had left on your last video from Rolling Loud and it made you laugh a little. “👀 damn.” Because the two of you knew it was a troll but everyone else was scrambling to make him out to be a simp.

“Alright, everyone! Thanks so much for your hard work. We’ll see you all next time.”

with that, the entire crew gave themselves a round of applause and proceeded to clear out of the set room. You’d probably head back to your hotel, get changed and grab a late night dinner at one of these lofty, upscale restaurants with the two guys. However, nothing could have prepared you for what was really about to take place when you made it back to your room and retired for the evening. Things were about to get much more heated than you expected.

two hours later…

it was nearly ten o'clock when you finally made it back to the Chateau Marmont; one of the city’s finest resorts and where you had been resting these past few days. It was beautiful..rich with history and decor. It was an absolute haven and although you were enjoying all of the amenities it had to offer, you were most looking forward to being swaddled up in the comfortable bed. Having settled in for the evening, (y/n) began removing your makeup and getting ready for bed. Connie and Onya were nice enough to treat you to a five star dinner, letting you order whatever you wanted and being all around gentlemen.

but it was as you were putting your hair up that you’d see your phone ringing and it was a FaceTime call.. “..at this time of night?” Questioning as you went to accept the call with a furrowed brow and confused expression on your face. Still, you were more than happy to see it!

“Eren..what a nice surprise!”

“I could say the same. Didn’t think you’d pick up, honestly.”

on the other end was the one person you had been hoping to hear from. It’d be nearing a little after one am on the east coast so he must’ve really wanted to talk to you. As always, he was facing a blunt, taking the roll between his pretty lips and lying in bed, shirtless. He had that exhausted drawl and deep tone that you’d heard the first time around. “Well I was just getting ready for bed. Just got back from dinner so I’m ready to lay down.”

smirking at your response before blowing another cloud from that spliff. You hated how attractive he made everything look! Including the facial hair he was starting to grow out and his long locks cascading around his face. However, you couldn’t help but feel a bit of guilt..you just disappeared on the man without so much as a word the other night and here you were pretending nothing had happened!

“I don’t blame you. How’s LA?” The words felt condescending because of your own conscious eating away at you. You ended up confessing that you took the flight in your text and that you were sorry but maybe he hadn’t forgiven you for that. A pang in the pit of your stomach resonated and you were growing nervous. “It’s pretty nice. Can’t complain, honestly.” “I’m glad to hear that.” His words trailing off as he lazily eyed you up and down yet again. He always did have a habit of doing so when you were in his view. As sexy as you were, he couldn’t help it.

eventually, you couldn’t take the tension and addressed the elephant for yourself. “Yeah..listen, I’m sorry about the other day. I didn’t mean to dip on you like that. They just asked me so quick that I—“but your explanation was quickly halted by a hand into the camera. Truth was, he didn’t care. You didn’t owe him any sort of answer. He was not your man nor was he the one paying your bills so that bag came first. He understood that better than anyone..

“Why are you telling me? I’m not mad at you, mama. You did what you had to do.”

widening your gaze, you’d be taken aback by his reaction. Most guys would’ve been feeling a way or swearing that you were on some sneaky shit..even if you weren’t dating! Hence why you strayed from relationships. But this man was much different! “You’re not upset?…but I— “but you what? Done your job?”

when he put it that way, he made you realize how silly it sounded. Leaning up into the camera as you walked back to your bed, Eren glared directly at you. “I’ll be honest..had you picked hanging out with me over something like this, I probably would’ve never spoken to you again and I’m being serious. Besides, you did the little bald bastard a favor so don’t feel bad.”

still, his statement was so matter of fact that you couldn’t help but laugh a little! “Wait? Why not?” But the answer was simple. It was such a pet peeve, among many other ticks of his when women would rather cling on to him for a come up, rather than make her own way. And vice versa. That’s why he fucked with you so heavily. He saw your work ethic and it was so sexy. It was so attractive how you maneuvered and handled your business. Also, he knew your homegirls were back in Miami partying with his best friend so the fact that you made this trip alone was commendable.

in fact, he was glad you did so he could finally get the one on one time he had been craving..he would’ve never been able to do so with four other women running around. What you didn’t know, was that he too had made a little trip himself: to Atlanta to help out with another friend’s project. Who was ironically beefing with the man who you had just shot a video with! It was amusing to him because the disagreement wasn’t even serious and having to record these two idiots throwing slams at each other in a track over something so trivial was hilarious.

that and he was a bit salty with Connie for nabbing you away. Especially when he had some things he wanted to say to you..preferably in person but it’d have to do right here..

“Well you know me..I gotta get mines. But I promise the second I’m back in Dade, imma come see you. I might take a little break so I’m gonna need you to help me relax.”

hearing you say those words invoked something in him..feelings he had been all but trying to conceal. But there was no need. It was obvious that tensions were boiling over between you two and there were only so many subtle innuendos you could throw before someone got the hint…

inhaling once more, Eren laid back against his pillows, raising the phone a bit and you were angled to where your head (and exposed chest) were sitting upright; amply cupped in that tank top you had on. (Y/N) was hoping to play it coy because you didn’t want to appear as easy but hearing his voice again and having these talks..you couldn’t help but to feel some level of intimacy. It was a bit forward for just a friendship but it wasn’t as if you two were even remotely close to a relationship either.

so what exactly was this?…why did you feel so comfortable with him? Why did you want to be more open than you already were….

you’d have your answer shortly when the topic got a bit more escalated. “Shit, you’re not by yourself. I mean, I’m up in Atlanta at the moment but for sure..I got you, gorgeous. We’ll have to link.” That tone causing tingles up your spine again. Truthfully, you had been drinking a bit and having pent up, unreleased feelings were getting to you.

moving a hand down to your stomach, you’d toil with the thin material as he watched you through the camera. Eventually watching his own disappear downward. It was crazy how much sexual frustration and attraction the two of you were harboring right now. Yet, neither of you wanted to make the first move! Was it respect? Shame? Worry that the other might not view you the same afterwards? Still, he had to go for it because he had been waiting days to see that pretty face again and it didn’t help when you posed the question:

“..I’m down. So what you tryna do?” Almost as if you two were playing a game of chess and you had just set the pieces in motion for him to make his move. Almost as if you were hoping he’d take the bait and initiate this intimate moment.

“What you mean?”

“When I get back. What you got in mind?”

furrowing your brow and biting at that lower lip so gently, (y/n) waited patiently for what he had to say. And it’d be an unexpected answer. Peering over his shoulder once as to not make sure anyone was around, Eren stared back at you; glazed, glossed over green eyes barely even open but he was looking right through you and knew what you both needed.

“I mean, if we being real..we don’t even have to wait. Cause I’ll tell you what I want right now.” Closed mouths didn’t get fed in his opinion. It was obvious that you weren’t scared or acting all innocent so why should he? Why should he hold back on how he felt about you? So another man could come swoop you away when he obviously wanted you so bad? Hell no. Instead, he’d make certain that even though you were miles and states apart, EJ the Don would be the only one on your mind for days to come!

“Talk to me then.” Slickly setting the stage for him to get his sentiments off of his chest. “Tell me what’s on your mind, sweetheart..”

his lips cracked into a faint smile at the mention of the moniker, licking his tongue around them before he focused on you again. “I already told you, baby. I don’t do rumors and I don’t bite my tongue..”

you hadn’t felt anything like this before. Someone who wasn’t afraid to tell you exactly what he wanted. “What if we quit all the playing and did what was on both of our minds?..cause I’ve been thinking ‘bout you like crazy..” the more he spoke, the more you craved this man. The urge to say the hell with morals and touch yourself to the sound of his sexy voice. Which was the exact goal!

“And what would you say if I told you I wanted you just as bad..would you hold it against me?” “When I want to fuck the shit out of you? Not at all..”

just then, a pang would catch in the pit of your stomach and you’d begin to part your legs slightly. That alcohol was working its way through your body and going straight to your pussy so if that’s what he was on, you’d meet him right there!

not to mention that he got out of his head when he was high so he wasn’t responsible for what he said right now. Both of your views were jolting a bit as you shifted around in the sheets; (y/n) massaging your own breasts as you popped them from your shirt and Eren grasping at his covered crotch, that wouldn’t stay that way though because when you began whispering those sweet nothings to him through that speaker, you’d have this man acting out of character and coming out of his clothes. And vice versa..

“Then I guess I can tell you that I wanted to fuck on you the first night. That I would’ve let you get this pussy if you asked for it..” moaning softly into the mic whilst letting your idle hands scale your bare skin. Those thin panties hanging at your waistline by now…and your fingers dancing across that aching clit and slippery folds.

you proceeded to tell him all the things you wanted him to do when you made it back into town. Including letting him eat you out until you came all over his face, how you wanted to look him in his eyes while you suck it slow and even rub up on his chest while you rode him. All of which had him jerking himself off from the other end. When he readjusted the camera, you could see his fingers cradled around his swollen cock and to no surprise, he was big! Longer and thicker than anyone you had ever seen..thinking about all of that being inside of you had you frothing in more ways than one. And when you’d see him pump that pre-ejaculsting tip appear in your view as he swiped it with his thumb..(y/n) sank your fingers inside of that tightness. Putting it in the perfect position for him to watch you finger yourself. but you weren’t alone. Having come completely undone, Eren let out a gently grunt, even laughing because you were exactly the type of woman he had been waiting for! A freak in private but about her business in public? Perfect..and now it was his turn for confessions.

“Shit…damn, baby. Well since we’re being honest. I’m fucking you on sight. Putting my tongue all over that pretty body…I swear I’m giving you all this dick..” finding yourself whimpering at his words as you closed your eyes and imagined the scenario. He talked you through it so well and you just knew things would be even better had you been in his bed. “You look so good playing with that pussy..you that wet for me?” Teasing as he heard your sweet cries and sloshing wetness. It was so sloppy; dripping with arousal, all due to thoughts of him.

“Y-yeah..this all you.”

“And those titties..they’re so fucking pretty. God, I want you so bad.”

admitting through heavy huffs as his pumping grew faster. The two of you went back and forth, exchanging filthy words and freaky thoughts until neither of you could stand the swelling pressure any longer. “F-fuck! Imma come..” letting out from behind those hotel room walls and hoping no one heard him yelping like a little bitch, Eren raised his back from the mattress as he stroked himself into a mind numbing climax.

but just as he released everywhere, you followed shortly behind with your own squirt soaking those fingers and the sheets. Having full blown fucked yourself to tears! Needless to say, it had been a while since you’d came so it was a lot to come down from. The orgasms ripped though both of your bodies and left you trembling. Unashamed and unabashedly reveling in that afterglow together. But once your favorites met yet again, he’d give you that warming smile and the realization hit as to what just happened.

both of you having exponentially increased your own highs. And not wanting to come down anytime soon. “I swear you’re trouble..goddamn.” But it was him that had awoken that sultry side. Making you act in ways that you never would have normally…and he’d keep it happening until neither of you could even stand anymore stimulation and nearly fell asleep. Having steamy, nasty phone sex for nearly an hour. It was an insane experience! Disheveled and discombobulated, you guys eventually had to hang up and get some rest. “Goodnight..sweet dreams.” Giving him a kiss into the camera. “Trust me, imma sleep very well..” Eren’s lids half shut and dimmed in pure bliss as he returned your peck.

once you both disconnected and bid adieu, (y/n) sat with those feelings and thoughts as you glared up at the ceiling. Who knew how this would lead up and where this left you two but one thing was for certain: things would never be the same!

.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*:｡.･*: .･*:｡.･*:｡.･

if you made it this far, thank you so much for reading! please check out some of my other stuff in the masterlist. Likes are appreciated but reblogs would mean the world and help me out a TON! Also, considering leaving a little something in the tip jar if you’re feeling extra generous! 🫶🏾

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[loneberry]

Baby's First Meditation Retreat

…attention is prayer. —Simone Weil

It would be simpler—the monastic life would be so much simpler. Wake, pray, meditate, do battle with the ego, eat, sleep—live such that everything inessential is stripped away. Why did you come here, I said, I’m tired of living a distracted life, of going through my days in a fog of unawareness.

In Cambridge, MA I attended a meditation retreat. I signed up on a whim, out of a vague feeling that I have lost control of my mind. I have been meditating very casually for the last nine years, mostly using the Calm app, listening to Tara Brach recordings, and attending guided meditations while a grad student. I had come to the practice out of desperation, in the midst of a debilitating depression that made me feel perpetually tormented by my thoughts. During that time, I would voraciously read every study I could find on depression treatments and tried basically every treatment modality out there: neurofeedback, ketamine, therapeutic yoga, medication, CBT, DBT, fish oil, an anti-inflammatory diet, psychedelics, and the “treatment” that ultimately saved me: intensive psychoanalysis four days a week. Meditation seemed a particularly promising and low-risk way to manage depression and anxiety—and yes, it did bring me some relief, working as a kind of supplement to the psychoanalysis. Even though I haven’t been as consistent about it as I would have liked, I continued to practice it regularly, usually for about 10-20 minutes a day. Not once have I regretted meditating, though when life gets busy it’s easy to tell yourself that you just don’t have the time to sit and do nothing, even though we seem to somehow always have the time to mindlessly surf the internet. 

What is there to say. I’m just so tired of living on autopilot, of not having to face the moment, to face myself. There are a million ways to blot out one’s internal monologue, filling up our days with the background chatter of podcasts or social media. 

The recrudescence of my Simone Weil mania has forced me to reflect on attention—that rare quality of mind which is increasingly in short supply. And yet everything is a matter of attention—not because attention can be instrumentalized to achieve one’s goals. No. Attention is the end in itself. Weil: “We have to try to cure our faults by attention and not by will.” It’s in that second-to-second awareness that reverence for the moment blossoms. The fog is lifting. Here is the trembling world, a cloud passing, the dancing light on the pavement as the sun passes through the rustling leaves of the tree. Weil: “Attention, taken to its highest degree, is the same thing as prayer. It presupposes faith and love.” 

*

I landed in Boston late Friday night and early the next morning was off to the Zen center for the silent two-day retreat. I really did not know what to expect when I signed up. I knew a little about the different schools of Buddhism from studying it in a course as an undergrad. I remember being slightly afraid of “Zen” (or Chan) in particular because it seemed so severe to me. I imagined interminable zazen sessions, without guidance or visualizations; imagined slouching pupils getting whacked with sticks for bad posture or falling asleep. Yet surely if I were to test the Buddhist waters, I should do Zen/Chan since it is a specifically Chinese tradition? My father’s uncle was a Buddhist monk who wandered the mountains of China. I don’t know anything about him, other than his sister (my grandma) was devastated when he died after getting hit by a train. Whether it was suicide or just a manic pixie monk moment, I do not know.

*

Some meditation retreats are completely secular—they are just like a series of long, guided mindfulness sessions, with the context, rituals, and “religious” dimensions stripped away. This was not really that kind of retreat. There were robes, chants in Korean, elaborate meal rituals, and yes, getting whacked with a stick! Of course it is always possible to opt out of getting hit with the keisaku stick—I thought I would, but in the end I took the whacking almost every time it was offered, partly because it jolted me awake and relieved the tension building up in my body from hours and hours of sitting cross-legged on a cushion. The first couple of times the keisaku whacking was administered, I had to restrain myself from laughing. Oh my God, we’re getting whacked by a Buddhist master! In the orientation the instructor said it was for “tension release” but I did feel that it was something like a ritual of submission to the authority of the teacher, even if it didn’t really hurt. Watching how eagerly D. bowed to receive the stick in the orientation, I wondered if the Zen pupils were secretly sadomasochists. 

Constitutionally, I am not a “joiner” and have an aversion to organized religion and anything that emits even a whiff of cult vibes. I’ve always been critical of authority and incapable of following rules, possibly because I didn’t have any growing up. But there was something soothing about how regimented everything was. We performed our actions in sync, chanted about emptiness at 4:30am. The whole experience felt almost militaristic, but a part of me enjoyed the austere, disciplinary atmosphere and the obsessive attention to detail. Not disciplinary in a punitive sense, but disciplinary in the way I imagine Russian classical music training to be: the methodical pursuit of self-mastery (it’s hardly surprising that the Zen master I received instruction from was a classically trained pianist). During the retreat I concluded that more discipline would be good for me.

Most of the retreat consisted of meditating in silence. There was no small talk, no psychobabble, no “now we will get started…”—he just hits the wooden clapper three times, and the sitting session starts. No guidance, no body-scan, no loving-kindness prompts. Just you, seated cross-legged on the cushion in silence, facing the tumult of your chaotic mind, your hands in the Dhyana Mudra position, your eyes half-closed. 

It is a profound and difficult experience, having to face your own mind…both utterly banal and deeply disturbing, thoughts flitting from “maybe I should try to find a used bicycle on the OfferUp app” to thoughts of my parents’ mortality. I was warned by the Zen teacher that difficult emotions might bubble up. Thrice I broke out into tears and strained to regain my composure. It began during one of the short breaks, when I was lying on a bench outside looking up at the sky, imagining that a passing cloud was a life appearing briefly before dissipating. It was an unmediated confrontation with the eternal flux of the universe—pure panta rhei. 

Weil: “Whatever frightful thing may happen, can we desire that time should stop, that the stars should be stayed in their courses? Time’s violence rends the soul: by the rent eternity enters.” Time’s violence has utterly and completely ripped apart my soul. I wanted to hold onto everyone and everything I love, for the stars to be stayed in their courses, for time to stop, for my parents to live forever. I thought about Mari Ruti’s rapid decline and death, about my recent visit to my older brother in prison, and my trip to my relatives’ assisted living home, where my mother’s cousin has been completely waylaid by the rapid onset of Parkinson’s disease. I thought about my father sitting down in the chair looking out the window at the assisted living home, talking about getting old, how his knees ache now. Time’s violence rends the soul.Will I be strong enough to face the eternal flux, the impermanence of everything I love, with a fierceness that borders on madness, grieving even the eventual death of the Sun? Sitting on the cushion meditating, crying: let go. Will I ever be able to let go with grace? Don’t know. Sink into don’t-know mind. Count the breath. Something passes through me.

What did I see, what did I hear—I heard every exhibit of the Museum of Jurassic Technology: the voice imploring us to follow the chain of flowers into the mysteries of life, the burbling waters of the miniature model of Iguazú Falls, a recording of David Wilson talking about exploding dice, the distant echoes of barks in the bestiary room, the mournful sound of the duduk in Djivan Gasparyan’s “Lovely Spring” playing the Sandaldjian room, Monteverdi’s “Lamento della Ninfa” as I ascend the stairs to the sublime courtyard, Bach’s “Ich ruf zu dir, Herr Jesu Christ” in the ‘Ecstatic Journey of Konstantin Tsiolkovsky’ exhibit (impossible not to see the levitation scene from Tarkovsky’s Solaris when hearing BWV 639), Mihály Víg’s “Valuska” in The Borzoi Kabinet Theater at the end of the day, and the sound of David’s nyckelharpa reverberating in the garden. 

Now the birds of the mind are taking flight.

In, out. In, out. Return to the breath. 

The mind opening like a door to the sky

            a deep purple flower unfolding in the emptiness.

List everything you see, her feet standing on the lotus. 

Clear mind

Clear mind

Clear mind

Don’t know.

(In) 1-2-3-4 (out) 5-6-7-8

Κύριε Ἰησοῦ Χριστέ ἐλέησόν με 

The heart

The heart

The spherical heart of the manatee

Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts and thoughts

like waves, saturating the swash zone of the mind…

It’s the weekend of the Perseid meteor shower. Eight years ago, Ed and I watched them from the dock of a Maine pond. We had rented an Airbnb from a man with the same name as a dear poet friend of mine, Dana Ward. (I was dreaming of Dana when I woke up this morning.) A week after the Maine trip, I was at the mental hospital. I had forgotten I had a poetry reading. The woman organizing it called, wondering where I was. 

Eight years have passed me in the blink of an eye. 

Thoughts.

In

out

In

out

In 10-30 second intervals: nothing. Just the space between thoughts.

There were two states of non-self:

one of calm neutrality—just the is-ness of the world.

The other, something more ecstatic:

a mystical amnesia, when you become the contraction and expansion of the breath.

What is there to say about it? In my stead there was a heaving purple cloud floating in a black room.

Then, the “I” coheres again. Head so full of language, thinking about everything I want to write. “I shouldn’t be so attached to my thoughts.” The teacher says in the interview: it’s not about suppression.

Writers are fundamentally hoarders of thoughts. I try to collect each one, as the squirrel does the acorns. In my head I am writing an essay about the antidepressant withdrawals, my astonishment that I did not relapse as David Foster Wallace did when he committed suicide after tapering off his antidepressant. I remember when my thoughts were stuck on the “I want to die” loop, how Ed installed the ad blocker on my internet browser because he was disturbed by the suicide hotline targeted ads. I do not think such thoughts anymore. Maybe it is true—we are not our thoughts. They pass through my mind like water through the sieve. Did Woolf train herself to observe the stream? Too much thinking. I must be doing it wrong. Wrong again—I’m supposed to suspend judgment. 

I hear my friend Tim saying, “the mathematics section is the most mystical part of the library.”

Then Weil says, “As soon as we have a point of eternity in the soul, we have nothing more to do but to take care of it, for it will grow of itself like a seed. It is necessary to surround it with an armed guard, waiting in stillness, and to nourish it with the contemplation of numbers…” 

Now I’m thinking about the relationship between math and mysticism, about the Indian number theorist Srinivasa Ramanujan, who received, in his dreams, thousands of formulas from the Hindu Goddess Namagiri. Ramanujan: “An equation for me has no meaning unless it expresses a thought of God.”

I remember my poem “Umbra,” in which I reference the French mathematician Alexander Grothendieck’s strange book, La Clef des Songes (‘The Key of Dreams’). As one commenter puts it: “It’s a book about God. Grothendieck’s thesis is simple. We meet God in dreams. But we aren’t ourselves dreaming God, rather God Himself is dreaming us. Or better: according to Grothendieck ‘a Dreamer’ exists, an external force who ‘dreams our dreams’ and at the same time dreams us. And this force can only be God. … he declares, in a little footnote that it’s almost hidden, that mathematics wasn’t ‘created by God’ nor by man, but by an aspect of God’s nature that, unique among his attributes, is accessible to human reason.”

A week ago, I was telling Alex about Oppenheimer’s mysticism, his proficiency in Sanskrit and intensive study of the Bhagavad Gita, his “feeling for the mystery of the universe that surrounded him almost like a fog.” I watched Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer biopic with Alex—a mathematician/mathematical physicist—and my father—an almost-physicist who immigrated to the U.S. from Taiwan to do a physics PhD in Wyoming but dropped out after his first year to move to NYC to wait tables at a Chinese restaurant. After the film, we watched a documentary about Sir Isaac Newton’s heretical theology and alchemical studies, how he read the Bible as a cryptogram and determined the world will end in 2060.

Could there be a connection between mathematics and the capacity for the divine, between the abstraction of mathematical thinking and the ability to sense the invisible, to see the hidden points that connect disparate realms? Wasn’t Einstein a Spinozist?

Scraps of language jostle around in my mind like a shaking bowl of coins. Stupid thoughts like, “Lacan is to psychoanalysis as Zen is to Buddhism.”

I see myself thinking about the news, about geopolitics and the madness of nation states. China is preparing their population for war, as are we. A kind of nausea overcomes me, as I see the whole nuclear age unfurl before me. 

We dwell on whatever we expose ourselves to, the articles we read, the people we see, the people we lurk online, the reflex to compare, to repeat the name of the Other like a mantra. 

Everything you think you need, you don’t actually need.

A butterfly has somehow flown into the Dharma room. It flits on the floor in the middle of the room. The teacher scoops it up and brings it outside. She corrects my dreadfully sloppy attempt to perform the meal ritual. I panic because I’ve taken too much food and must eat every last crumb. The pear is not ripe, and it is a torture to eat the whole thing. The pear is not ripe—a Zen lesson! Mastication of the unripe pear, a kind of koan. 

There was a short break. I decided to walk around Central Square, without a wallet or phone or headphones. 

How can I describe the sense of aliveness I felt in that moment, that alert receptivity, when I looked at the sky and saw the birds of Central Square taking flight above the Greek Orthodox Church? I walked up the stairs—some ceremony is taking place inside. Down the streets, there’s a brunch spot I never knew about in the seven years I lived in this town. There’s the sound of a busker, so sweet, and a flower shop I wandered into. There’s the bus stop I would wait at on my way to psychoanalysis. I cross the street. Emanating from a building on Mass Ave is the rhythmic thud of Latin American music—it must be the music-dance sessions my ethnomusicologist friend told me about years ago.  

Before dawn on the second day, we perform 108 prostrations. It turns my legs to Jell-O. When I walk up the stairs to use the bathroom, I have to grasp the banister to drag myself up. A few days later I can still barely walk from the soreness caused by the rapid-fire prostrations. Was there something off about my form? I noticed that the others relied more on their arms to hoist themselves up, while I relied almost exclusively on my legs.

And yet I quite enjoy prostrating myself. Outside of any religious or ritual context, I sometimes find myself spontaneously performing prostrations—to what or whom, I do not know. To the earth? I like to kiss the ground, to give thanks to this marvelous rock on which we all dwell. 

*

The interview with the Zen teacher takes a bizarre turn: she asks me questions about DeSantis, in a ‘liberals-trying-to-commiserate’ kind of way. My hatred of DeSantis is bottomless—I had just flown in from Florida the night before the retreat. Please, anything but a DeSantis koan! She asks me if it annoys me that she has been correcting my attempt to execute the meal ritual. I say, No, I don’t mind being an amateur, and crack a joke about being an adult music learner. When the short interview is over, I return to the silence of the Dharma room.

Sitting in silence for long periods is much harder than it looks. Yet the second day feels easier than the first day, despite being on day three of almost no sleep. Toward the end of the retreat, I stare at a spot on the floor, convinced it is a moving bug. It jiggles and jerks, walks in a circle, but always seems to return to the same spot. I can’t stop observing the bug. At the end of the sit, I lean in to get a closer look only to realize it’s not a bug at all, but a dark spot in the wood flooring. 

When the retreat is over, there’s the shock of hearing everyone’s voices, of realizing you had projected otherworldliness on people who are just people in the way you are just a person. We sit in a circle and take turns sharing our experiences. I say, “I came on a whim…because I watched YouTube videos about Buddhism with my dad.” We eat vegan pie at the table. The girlfriend of the man sitting next to me has come to meet him, with roses.

I grab my backpack, put on my Blundstones, and leave the center, in the soft afterglow of the mind’s clearing. What did it feel like: I had no desire to look at my phone. Turning on my phone was almost painful, and yet I needed to call the friend I was staying with. I met up with the religious studies poets, felt more present with others, more natural. We tried to go to the Harvard Film Archive to watch Ozu but were turned away for arriving late. We sat on a rooftop terrace to watch the sunset, with a view of the two spires of Harvard Yard, Memorial Church and Memorial Hall. Sun through the leaves, perceived crisply, as though a layer of mediation had been removed.

[showtoonzfan]

I know we’re all saying “Vivziepop is digging her own grave at this point” when it comes to how unprofessional she acts in the public eye, but honestly? She’s not digging her own grave. Nobody sees an issue with how she’s acting, in her fanbase’s eyes, all she’s doing is defending her show and sticking it to the haters who bring her down. Nothing more, nothing less. And I get it, freedom of speech exists, Viv can say whatever she wants, it just ticks me off at how she chooses to deliberately act like a fool in front of everyone when she could have kept it to herself. The problem is that no matter how good or bad you think the Diregneltmen video was, at the end of the day it was NOT worth going to twitter and getting mad over. Viv should have simply ignored it and moved on, because any normal creator would go “Ah yes, another hater video, well it happens, I won’t let that bring me down”. But nah, Viv just HAD to go to twitter and express how much that video got under her skin, making herself look like a sensitive and insecure fuming jerk.

In my eyes the problem with Viv is just that she’s an attention seeker. Usually when content creators are upset, they’ll stay off the internet for a bit, but not queen Vivzie. She has to let exactly EVERYONE and their mama know when she’s mad, upset, or overall just having a difficult time. That’s why she’s made countless poor pity me tweets, angry meltdown tweets, or depressing tweets that would make anyone go “You need to get off your computer and talk to a therapist instead”. Because yeah, she’s kept up her “I’m sorry for existing” tweet, she’s kept up her pity tweets about how tried she is working on two shows, she’s even kept up the meltdown she had after her old house got doxxed, calling everyone “fuckers and hypocrites” and she does it ALL for the damn attention.

It’s so clear that after she spotted the Diregentlemen video, she was so insecure and angry that two professional writers were calling her out and making her look bad, so instead of just getting off the internet or venting to a friend or family member, she hopped to twitter and showed everyone how deep it got under her skin because she NEEDS the comfort. She knows her fandom praises her every chance they get, and she needs the praise. She needs people to call her a queen, to call her shows masterpieces, to stroke the ever loving hell out of her ego and paint her as this godlike flawless innocent woman so she can feel better. She relies on her entire fanbase to coddle her and I think it’s pathetic. It’s not just pathetic that she can’t take criticism and acts like hate or feedback isn’t a normal part of life for every person on the planet, it’s not just pathetic that she acts like a woman child and can’t act like a full grown adult or DEAL with her emotions like a full grown adult, it’s pathetic that she takes any negative feedback to heart and needs her fanbase to praise her to make her feel better.

And it sucks because I’m not saying I wish Hazbin was taken away from her and she was stripped from fame and her projects, all I want is for people to wake up and realize that the behavior she’s showcased is NOT okay. She good be so much better and handle situations more smarty, instead of some spoiled rich middle school girl that could destroy anyone in her path, because she KNEW what she was doing with those angry tweets, she knows her fanbase is going to go after Diregenltmen and that’s what she wanted. This has happened so many times before and I’m sick of it. She knows that the moment she shows everyone she was hurt by someone else, everyone will go after that person, and she does not care. She’s a gaslighter and manipulator, puts on her “professional” face at the last second and no one cares because people think she has a right to defend herself while not realizing that she adds fuel to the fire whenever she reacts so negatively. I’m just so done with her, she’s never ganna change or improve as a person, nor is she ever ganna put in the effort to improve her damn writing because in her eyes her writing is flawless apparently and anyone who doesn’t like it or has an issue with it can shut up and burn at the stake.

[wiltedmiracle]

IMPORTSNT POST // DONT SCROLL WITHOUT READING // REPOST

This is not like my usual posts but I thought if i have a few thousand followers i have to use my blog to talk about what is happening in my country right now. Y'all don't know me, I'm from Iran, In Iran girls HAVE to wear hijab from the age of 7 (yes, SEVEN) otherwise we won't be able to get an education, we can't go out of our houses, we literally can't do anything, and it's not just for muslims, EVEN IF YOU'RE A CHRISTIAN OR JEW IN IRAN YOU HAVE TO WEAR HIJAB AND STUDY QURAN IN SCHOOLS CAUSE ITS THE LAW.

PLEASE KEEP READING AND LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAS HAPPEND

This Friday Mahsa Amini a 22 year old women from Saqqez, Kudristan was captured and beaten by “Morality Police” of Iran while she was on a family vacation in Tehran for violating dress code laws of compulsory hijab. The severe injuries made to Mahsa’s head caused her to slip into a coma and pass away. These allegations were repudiated by the Iranian government who announced Mahsa was already suffering from heart issues, a statement which her family members denied immediately. Her doctors also denied them but the government hushed them immediately.

What is Morality Police? They're a group of ruthless people that drive around in cities of Iran and arrest girls and women for not wearing hijab "properly", but arresting them isn't the end of it all. after being arrested women are taken down to their stations, most of the times they get beaten because they refuse to wear how they don't believe in. After that these scared women have to spend hours in small trrefiyng rooms without any food or comfortable place to rest in. Some of these women come out with truamatic expericense, some get beaten up, some have stated that they got raped and more..

People have tried to fight these laws for more than 40 years but our government is a dictatorship that keeps killing it's own people just to keep its own power. We keep losing friends and family members because we protest for what's right, we're protesting for basic human rights.

Right now we're in the streets fighting, fighting with out biggest enemy, our government, they've ruined so many lives for almost 50 years and it's enough; but we need help, our government's way of dealing with this situation is 2 things:

Shooting at us, beating and killing us (TW // BLOOD & POLICE BRUTALITY)

2. Shutting down out our internet

Over the past 4 day the hashtag #مهسا_امینی (Mahsa Amini in Farsi) has been tweeted over 26 million times, it has broke records and cought the world's attention. So many celebrities have talked about Mahsa on their social medias including Halsy, Cardi B, Misha Collins, Florence Pugh, Bebe Rexha and so many more.. but we've slowly losing internet inside iran, so we're asking for help from people around the world.

Use thehashags that are important right now on twitter: #مهسا_امینی #MahsaAmini #OpIran

keep the world focused on whats happeing to women and PEOPLE IN IRAN.

WE ARE TRYING SO HARD. WE NEED HELP. OUR REGIME HAS ALLIES IN YOUR COUNTRIES. THAT'S WHY IRANIANS ARE ALSO PROTESTING IN SO MANY WESTERN COUNTRIES RIGHT NOW, WE WANT YOUR LEADERS TO HEAR US TOO. HELP US.

I would also like to add that Anonymous hacktivist group has joined us in this movement, they've hacked lots of official government websites and cctvs to help the protester so that should tell you that this is REAL AND SERIOUS.

once again Use thehashags that are important right now on twitter: #مهسا_امینی #MahsaAmini #OpIran

tweet sources: @yoonieshope on twitter

[mydarlingdahlia]

Going off because some bitch decided to harass me on anon about my past trauma. :)

First off, anon, I am not going to be answering your asks, as I have already deleted them. Also, I post about my past experiences on here as a way to inform or comfort others in knowing that they aren’t alone. I am not doing it to “seek attention”.

And YOU have absolutely NO right to say if I faked it or not or if my trauma isn’t “valid” in your eyes. Why? You weren’t there. You don’t know the severity of it.

And I’m not going to say that “you haven’t experienced it”, because maybe you have. But that does not give you other reasons to put down others.

“oH bUt It DoEsN’t EvEn HaPpEn ThAt OfTeN!”

You’d be incorrect. About 99% of women face sexual harassment, and that number most likely has not gone down. And 70% of that 99% percent do not fight back. Why?

Because we’re afraid (or at least from mine and some of my family members’ experiences) you or others won’t believe us.

If we seem “okay” then nothing is wrong. But if we suddenly bring it up then you just shoot us down saying “you’re just seeking attention” or “what were you wearing?” or even “you were probably asking for it.”

What the fuck? Do you really think those are valid questions or reasons? Wake the fuck up.

It is not about what we wear, it is not about what we’re doing, it is not how we are acting. Why would anyone on this shithole of a planet ask for something like that to happen to them?

Miniskirts aren’t the cause of rape and sexual harassment. People are.

Babies, literal CHILDREN, are being abused and taken advantage of because “you can’t hold back your urges”. It sickens me that there is a legitimate video of a baby being raped floating around the internet. And people in the comments were SUPPORTING this behavior?

Are you mental? What is wrong with you?

Minors aren’t safe on the internet by any means, and I’m not referring to 8, 9, and 10 year olds (even though we need to watch out for them too), I’m talking about 15, 16, even 17 year old girls that are being harassed. My cousin was catcalled about five times while we were in a public shopping center by two middle aged men.

She’s 14.

And I’m not saying it’s just men (even though it generally is), don’t you DARE go down that road with me.

Look at this article I found.

“But men get raped too—”

AND LOOK HOW YOU HANDLED THAT.

He should’ve enjoyed it? That boy is 14. He never should have had to experience something so horrible like that.

I was 7 and 8. Barely getting to know the world. It’s not because of what I was wearing, I was wearing a frilly pink princess dress. It’s not because of what I was doing, I was at my own birthday party. Unsupervised. Uncared for. I wandered off, and I regretted my decision immensely.

Now I know not to wander off, I learned my lesson that day.

I never, ever, EVER. Want to see ANYONE come into my anon box using hateful words and accusations like one of you did today. It is childish, uncalled for, and VERY offensive and disrespectful. It’s disgusting behavior, really.

I am very disappointed.

However, I will not be turning off anon, because I want to give you guys another chance. If you mess up that chance, I am taking it away. Maybe not permanently, but for a good while.

If you blame the victim, then you stand with the perpetrator.

[butchhatred]

TL;DR: youngest siblings and how parents treat them need to be taken more seriously, especially when discussing shitty/abusive parents. The fact that parents grow less strict to their youngest is not necessarily a good thing and it can cause the child to be directionless in life especially if the older siblings cannot be second parents to them.

Whenever I see people talk about abusive or just shitty parents I always hear the oldest siblings talk about how they had to raise their siblings, and how middle siblings feel like they don't exist, but I never really hear anyone talk about youngest siblings. So now im gonna talk about how I personally feel as a youngest sibling.

There is this theory abt how sibling order affects personality and I feel like its kinda shitty bc it describes youngest siblings as attention seekers who are spoiled and get everything they want from their parents. (i think the way this theory talks about youngest children is a reflection of how adults really see children, but I dont think I have the time to touch on the idea of youth rights in bigger detail bc this post is already too long. If you're a youth liberation blog I would really like to hear your thoughts on how this ties into youth rights in general)

In english class we listened to this birth order theory as a listening exercise, and when the teacher asked us if we felt like it described us, there were only one or two youngest siblings who felt it actually described them, whereas most of the oldest, middle and only children felt like it described them, and I feel like that says a lot (although this was one group, so take it with a pinch of salt).

When we talk about youngest sibling problems we sometimes hear stuff about how we had people to play with when we were a lot younger but didnt as our siblings grew older, but this idea never really gets expanded upon. Like how this could cause people to feel directionless, or even become socially malnourished. This'll be important later.

Take into account how many oldest siblings you hear about how they watched as their parents grew less and less strict, and how their youngest siblings can get away with things they couldn't.

I dont think this is necessarily bc of how parents grow more comfortable with parenting with time. I think this is also because of how they grow more and more exhausted from having to deal with children with literally zero break days. When they have their first child, they don't know for sure what should and shouldn't their child do, but they grow exhausted with more children. This causes them to be helicopter parents to their oldest, and neglectful distant parents to their youngest.

Personal experience: my mom let me use the internet when i was only 8. Most would call this a virtue, and tell me im lucky, but it gets really fucked up when you realize how shitty people can get on the internet where everyone is anonymous. One of my memories is being called a bitch from internet people at age 9. I dont even remember why, all I remember is they called me that.

Remember the social malnourishment I talked about? When you're an 8 year old whose only exposure to social interaction to people outside of school was people who get no consequences for talking however the fuck they want, you will become someone who has trouble socializing normally or be nice to people, like myself.

And a lot of older siblings feel like they had to raise their siblings, however they will grow up eventually as well. This is where the directionlessness comes in. For example, my oldest sister is 10 years older than I am. And my older brother who is our middle sibling, he, too, grew exhausted with having to deal with a child, and i eventually grew to be an annoyance. I had nowhere to go because I already had very few friends when I was a child. Even now I dont have any idea on what path im taking in life, because no one was there to teach me.

Im not really sure on how to end this. No one has it worse than the other, I understand that. But I still feel left out of conversations around bad parents.

[mysteriouslybluepirate]

Cucumber Day 5 Watching Con's Filmography

(I also listened to a short story he'd been in, scroll down a bit on my page and you'll find it. For everyone who watched this and needs a refresher only on Con, someone finally posted a compilation on youtube. If you haven't seen the series, you'll probably be lost. But I'm sure its a fun out of context watch)

Summary wrote after binging the entire series in one day.

Please, Please, Please go online and check every warning for this show. Not only for the graphic hate crime but see everything they warn about. Protect yourself. This review will discuss sexual topics, nudity, and substance abuse, and age gaps.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

So the show. I think it was fun, not the best tv show, and has some mixed messages, but a fun watch.

I grew up in a household/town where sex wasn't discussed. Especially queer shit. This show is very in-your-face about it and I admire the shit out of it. The friendships felt lived in. The experience of being a young queer 'hunted' by older queers was explored enough to not make Henry a complete hypocrite, sadly. But the focus was always more on Henry, even in the end, Henry still got off on the image of a 20 something during sex.

Fully noting, I did skip scenes. Some things were just a bit much for me, so I took the liberty to save peace and move on. Yet, the show does seem to balance heavy moments with joy and comedy. Hell, during a fucking funeral, some guys need to go check their dicks for hair. And you know what, I feel that if Lance were there, he wouldn't even be suprised.

I loved Freddy. Holy shit, at first, I was worried about how he'd be treated, but by the end, I was rooting for him. Obviously, the guy is just so used to being hunted for his body. This topic was brushed on with the teacher, and not really felt by the plot or the characters around him. I'm happy he felt like he could leave and just grow up as a person. I'm so happy they let the audience see a time jump where everyone turns up okay, and happy.

I'm not a queer man, but I know this shit can resonate. I've seen queer men online discuss these same points. Predatory age gaps, the pressure to be hot, aging, commitment, and communication issues in relationships...This isn't the best show for all that to be taken seriously but I'll leave that discussion to that community.

So Con's character, Cliff, was right about Henry in episode 1, and I fucking love when writers do this shit. "You always did that. Never had affairs, just obsessions." Cause in the context, yes, Henry never cheated. But he never has deep relationships; he has brief obsessions until things get too serious and he needs to move on. Hell, In episode 8, that's the conclusion Henry comes to himself. "Maybe one day I'll come to terms to it...being gay". Cause he wants intimacy but fears men and getting close to people. It's that closeness he struggles with.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The things that bugged me about the series

The entire bit about the boys playing chicken for internet attention. Again, I know this is a thing. But now a days we legitimately have children doing this stuff unknowingly for people online. Or parents unknowingly showing their children on tik tok for millions of people. I know people who were groomed, and avoided it like crazy growing up as a kid online. I cringed every time this plot point was mentioned, feeling like a kid was a second away from getting hurt. It just felt a bit much to touch on for me in this type of show. Again, they tried to have their cake and eat it too by showing Harry get a slap on the wrist, but it just didn't feel like it justified the plot line being there in the first place. Seriously, what did it add to the story besides showing Henry that maybe he should go back home? He could have done so many other things. The only funny bit is when Cliff commented how fucking weird straight people are sometimes.

Cliff says in ep 1 he had a history of going after older men when he was young, and the age gap is boggeling. Again, this could mean he only had a crush on him. But if we're going to bring up how wierd it was, then why is this and the teacher sub plot where minors brought up the only time its mentioned. Like yeah, the teacher-student situation was fucked up. How about the 30 and 40-year-olds going after people in their early 20s. "I'm horrified to discover I have standards." Fun line Cliff, yeah. But they are literally minors. Age gaps and taking advantage of younger queers is a real issue in the queer community. There should 100% be a place to talk about it. But when every 'likable' character does it without issue, then it's still a problem. Hell, this is why Freddy's plot felt so out of left field in ep 8 with Cliff and him fucking before running off. I don't know why he did it, knowing that Cliff wanted him for his body? Or maybe he just wanted comfort after that argument and knew he'd get it by having sex? I genuinely want to know other interpretations. If Freddy felt like this, it would have been more satisfying for Henry to learn his lesson and not use 20-year-old Freddy as wank material for the next 6/7 years. Also, Freddy running away from Cliff with his pants down was just funny.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Now, wash most of that out of your head!

The fun part that we have all been waiting for-

TALKING ABOUT CLIFF COSTELLO

(Yes, Cliff is kind of a douche early on. Enjoying eyeing Freddy and praising Henry for leaving his boyfriend for a 'young boy toy'. But, as the series goes, it dies down. Cliff, pre-episode 6 was a fun jackass. Post-ep 6 is one of the best characters in the show and the best friend you could ask for.)

I have seen most gifs online for this character. The soft outfits, smoking, suits, smiling. And fucking YET. The three scenes to me that make me love this character are-

"And obviously, I could take a statement. Have a briefcase with me, files and a pen. Because solicitors get searched entering a prison just like everyone else, but I'd still have a pen. Because a pen is all I'd need, really. I think it would take me a second to lean across and insert the pen through his throat. Right here. At the base. Straight through to the spine. (I could do that.) He'd bleed out in seconds. Dead. So... that's what I'll do. With your permission." I need Izzy to do this speech. Please god. In all your infinite wisdom. In this moment, I 100% felt that this lawyer would murder the murderer of his friend in sheer rage with a fucking pen.

Cliff pulling up(no crutches *curtsies with a smile*) to save Henry's ass from saying something stupid to the cops after their place gets ransacked. Stepping in and ensuring Freddy doesn't assault someone in front of cops.

"I look forward to the tribunal because the law is magnificent in this regard. It's not up to us to prove homophobia, it's up to you to prove homophobia does not exist. Best of luck. Thank you." AHHHHHHHH Smarmy, confident, smiling Con, I love it. Maybe the hottest thing Cliff does in this series, the outfit, the glaring before hand, the confidence, and AHHH.

His stand-out moments are when he's being a loyal, caring motherfucker. Trust me, after days of seeing a sad, depressed, miserable Con, seeing him thirsting after men was fun. Seeing him make dick jokes and act like an 'Elder Gay' that protected his own did heal my soul. But there was just a fucking genuine happiness he brought to the role.

I love that, even though he's a character Henry can rely on, Henry would never stay at his flat. (Obviously, cause then the plot wouldn't happen, but I like to think they know they'd both bring out the worst in each other).

Henry uses him for his knowledge of the law when doing cagey shit. It's great. Like getting his job back or doing the whole weird shit mentioned above for extra money. Seeing Cliff doing his best to stay semi-professional and not visibly judge the shit out of Henry for essentially being a soft core pimp is so fucking funny. Also, his 'that's our song' speech, where he goes on about how people steal underground culture, was fun.

The funeral made me respect Cliff, as he knew how to handle the situation. Keeping the situation safe enough in public so that Henry could have his own time to break down.

When Cliff didn't push, let Henry grieve on his own time, it was beautiful. Many of us would have immediately pushed that boundary. Trying to let ourselves feel better by stopping someone else from having destructive emotions. But Cliff knows better. Hell, when Henry is crying we see Cliff tearing up. Showing that Cliff knows to just step back tells us so much about how these two men care for each other.

Now a tiny praise corner about writing an Elder Gay lawyer character-

The sheer joy in Cliff knowing he could use the 'law' to protect queer people. Both for Lance and for getting Henry his job back. If Cliff is as old as Con, he'd have been a lawyer starting in the 1990's. He would have in practice during queer legalization post-thatcher in the UK. There's a good reason he seemed to be the happiest when they got home after getting his job back. He would have been taught Section 28 as a queer man.

'The fight for sexual equality however, was far from over. Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988, introduced by the Conservative Government under Margaret Thatcher, banned local authorities from ‘promoting homosexuality’ or ‘pretended family relationships’, and prohibited councils from funding educational materials and projects perceived to 'promote homosexuality'. The legislation prevented the discussion of LGBT issues and stopped pupils getting the support they needed. Section 28 was repealed in 2003, and Prime Minister David Cameron apologised for the legislation in 2009.'

He went from learning about all that shit as a young lawyer(who fucking survived the AIDS crisis), plus worse, to using ANTI DISCRIMINATION LAW for LGBTQ people! (kinda) So yeah. There's a very good fucking reason why that scene made me pause and stim for the fucking life of me. He was the happiest one when they came home, belting and smiling! So much has changed over his life and AHHH-

(This just hurts knowing this defence is all still legal where I live. And rights are being stripped every day... But hope still exists...yatta yatta.)

The friendship between Cliff and Henry feel so lived in. Burrowed and nestled. Clearly, Cliff has his own sad law show going on in the background and Henry is where he can let his (glorious) hair down.

I think it's funny as shit that when Henry panics and tries to find someone in mind to keep him in the moment sometimes he accidentally imagines Cliff. In a 'I've heard way to much about my friends sex lives so I think I know what it looks like' kind of way.

I also think it's funny that in the two times we see him in time jump to the future (At the table toasting Freddy and in Bed) Cliff is still not entirely gray after 6-7 years (obviously, they didn't think/want to age him up or do makeup just for a gag). However, Icon behavior.

His outfits? I would wear most of them. He is gender and life envy. Again, I think Cliff could have been a character to show how happy some people are without relationships. We get this vibe from him with the whole 'you're not tied down' speech, and I wish that was a concept explored more on TV.

He's the least depressed lawyer character I have seen on TV. If I could be a Cliff Costello type, I would go into law.

I think a good mix of the best parts of Cliff Costello and all of Val Pearson is who I want to be as an 'elder'(again, I turn 21 in January). Confident, loyal, willing to stick up for others, funny as shit. Maybe has a more stable love life than them, and hopefully not any substance addictions, but god. They just have so much joy when you know these characters had to have lived through such shitty times for queer people.

At first, I did this just to explore Con's work. But I think this has all helped me feel some hope for the future. What people need is support and love and a place to exist.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Overall ratings

Cinematography: 7/10. Fun edits. Fun motifs. Loved the opening, and the sound effects to suggest certain things to the audience was fun.

Story: 6/10. Would be higher but some shit just got stuck in my craw. Again, the show just got better and better as it went and by the end I just felt satisfied. Would be an 8 ish if not for my issues mentioned above.

Characters besides Con: 7/10. Everyone plays really fun parts. Everyone is shitty in their own unique way, and for the most part, they get what they deserve. Even if they haven't really learned their lesson yet (Henry, I swear to god you are on a wire). Satisfying arcs for everyone besides Henry, but that's the point. I'm happy the Collective wheedled out into a more realistic ending where these people could go on and live happy lives and not coddle the man.

Con: 8/10. He is so much fun, and he is having so much fun. I wish he was in it longer, but in every scene, he is in, he eats it up. He goes from serious lawyer to best friend in a flash and it just makes me so happy. Cliff is up there with my favorite performances, some of his actions just kill the vibe a bit for me. Again. Any series where Con smiles is a win. Also, I love that he bodied a character who uses movement aids, and it just made me more excited to see what he'd do with Izzy for S2.

OVERALL: 6-7/10.

Not an easy recommend but could be a fun rewatch when I start losing somd hope about our community, while trying to see the real issues that exist to this day...or see more people online criticize queer people for wanting to have sex.

I would love to know your opinions about Cliff, thoughts about my thoughts, and more below! Have a Lovely day/night, everyone!

Next on the docket: Kisses in the Dark. An 8 ish hour audiobook on Spotify! Seems to be a supernatural horror Staring Con O'Neill and Rhiannon Clements(hopefully not a romance, since, with the person I googled, the age gap is 28 years. It's a bit different with voice acting...but now that I know? eh). I will be listening to that on Saturday (the 17th), and will have my thoughts on that here soon. I've been warned it was recorded during the pandemic at homes. So if you want to join in, prepare yourself for that.

As always, some of you lovelies who suggested/commented on my last few posts! Thank you so much!

@ivegotnonameidea

@treesofgreen

[skylarstark4826]

Shuri sighs once more. 

She can totally do this. 

She is just on her way to an ONU gala; it shouldn’t be a big deal since she has accompanied her mother to some when she took the throne of Wakanda and is for a good cause too, something about world hunger and Wakanda being supportive. 

The whole thing was easy, to be honest, she just needed to go, smile, and look pretty. She wasn’t going to be alone since Aneka and Okoye were going to be right behind her, watching her back like always but still, something fell off, something fell…

Well, if she is honest, it wasn’t something, it was someone, someone that was going to be there too. 

She groans frustrated. 

“What is the matter now?”, Aneka asks. 

“Nothing”, she answers, trying to entertain herself with the bracelet on her wrist, which didn’t help much because it was the one  he  gave her. 

Aneka makes a sound like she doesn’t believe her but won’t insist on the matter. 

“Well, if our queen is ready then, the car is already here to take us to the gala”. 

Shuri sighs again, leaving the bracelet alone to look at herself in the mirror for the last time. 

“You look beautiful, my queen”, Aneka says.

“I’m not worried about my appearance, Aneka”.

It takes a second for Aneka to understand. 

“Oh”, she blinks several times while Shuri breathes a little of confidence in, “it's him you’re worried about”. 

“Excuse me?”, Shuri asks, looking at her between confused and panicked for a moment. 

Aneka smiled.

“Nothing, my queen, we should leave now. Come, come”. 

And Shuri decides to exit the hotel room after looking at Aneka in a suspicious way for a second or two. 

When she sits in the car, between Aneka and Okoye, she clenches her fists so hard, she thinks she’ll rip her skin. 

There are a lot of flashes and people calling her name when they arrive at the gala.

Aneka and Okoye step aside (but not too far) so photos could be taken, and Shuri lets them, used to their attention by now. She smiles and waves and when she feels like there are enough photos to last a lifetime on the internet, Okoye, and Aneka escort her out of the carpet, directly to the gala.

But before they could arrive at the main entrance, a reporter recognizes Shuri and stops her and, before Okoye could push the woman away, Shuri stopped and greeted her, to answer her questions. (Aneka gives Okoye a glare and Okoye pretends she didn’t see it). 

While Shuri answered some questions about how Wakanda was contributing to the cause the gala was promoting, a fangirl cheer suddenly filled the red carpet, interrupting the interview. Everyone stopped what they were doing to look for the cause of the commotion and it didn’t surprise Shuri (or anyone for that matter) when they discovered the whole cause was the arrival of another politician, the Talokanil one. 

Namor stepped out of the car the ONU issued for him and his companions (no other than Namora and Attuma of course) and, after nodding at all the attention he was receiving, he stood in the same place Shuri did a few moments before to let them photograph him. Of course, he didn’t really smile and was a little stiffer than normal while Namora and Attuma waited where Aneka and Okoye did.

Talokan had been assisting to ONU meetings for a while now. After colonizers insisted on looking for vibranium, Talokan and Wakanda were forced from hiding to defend themselves again and this time, Talokan had to open up to the world (not much like Wakanda had) in order to make their points established. As far as she knows, no one has tried to mess up with Talokan again and Namor was managing the politician thing like a champ, so well that he had a fan club and a lot of people crushing on him. 

She wants to believe she finds the whole thing stupid and exaggerated (but if she is honest, she will be the president of said fan club), and well, is not like his way of presenting himself helps. He has mastered the occidental way too fast and too well, at least faster than she ever did. 

Shuri is not aware of her staring until his eyes find her. She then realizes what she has done and panics enough to not finish the interview with the reporter. Thanks to Bast, Okoye, and Aneka notice and get her to the gala with a sense of urgency. 

Once inside and after greeting from afar other African politicians, she sees a waiter passing with a drink and she doesn’t think twice before taking it and gulping it down her throat. 

“Wow, my queen, are you alright?”, Aneka asks, while Okoye stayed suspiciously quiet. “Why you drank that champagne like it was water?”

Shuri doesn’t answer, too busy trying not to feel embarrassed. 

“She froze”, Okoye answers instead and Aneka is confused. 

“What do you mean?”

“She froze at the sight of Namor”. 

“And?”

Okoye looks at her like she can’t believe it. 

“Is this that old joke with T'Challa and Nakia?”

“Okoye”, Shuri calls, already recuperated, “don’t start”. 

Okoye grins. 

“Oh, don’t worry, my queen, this is the continuation”. 

“Ungoyena umbi". 

Aneka kind of understands now. 

For most of the night, she makes small talk with other politicians to avoid the absolute hell of Namor.

She catches herself looking for him from time to time and sometimes she has the misfortune of getting caught, but she never gets to see if he takes offense to it, since she looks away almost immediately. 

Thanks to Bast too, she gets to be sited far from him and after some boring speeches from the organizing committee and very unseasoned food, everyone grabs a partner to the dancefloor. 

Shuri doesn’t get invited (she is glad actually) so she stays at the table, trying to get her insides together. She needed to stop acting like a damn teenager whenever that man was close. But she really can’t and Okoye comparing her to T’Challa when he saw Nakia after a long time, didn’t help either. 

(It was ironic she thinks since she is pretty sure Okoye didn’t trust and didn’t like Namor until she was officially introduced to Attuma. Then suddenly, there was a lot of teasing, and she got the audacity to get mad when she teased her back about how Attuma and her spared like it was fun). 

She sighs, realizing just now that she unconsciously had been fidgeting with the bracelet again. She was looking at said bracelet when she felt a warm and familiar presence close to her. 

Her heart skips a beat and every damn hair of her body stands. She almost reacts like a damn cat when she sees his hand appear in front of her. 

He is wearing a neutral expression when she finds his face. 

“Will Queen Shuri allow me this dance?”

She stares at him for a few seconds, frozen, until she swears, she can feel Okoye and Aneka making fun of her from somewhere in the room. 

“Yes, why not?”, she answers, before she takes his hands.

He takes her to the dance floor and, with each step, her heart beats faster.

“I didn’t know you knew how to dance”, she casually comments, a few moments after they started to dance. 

“There are a few things I learned from surface-dwellers”. 

“You adapt quickly”. 

“Is that, or dying”, she ignores how warm his hand on her waist feels at that moment. 

There are a few seconds of silence, only interrupted by the way her dress brushes with his suit pants.

“You look beautiful, by the way”, Shuri gulps, looking away. 

“Thank you. You don’t look bad yourself”. 

“I know”, she looks at him then, about to critique his immense ego, but then she discovers that he is smirking pleased. “I mean, you stared by two whole minutes when I arrived”. 

She forgot how to breathe for a second and she actually thanked Bast that he is holding her at that moment. She just wished he couldn’t see that she was blushing all over the place. 

“It was difficult not to stare when every grown-up person on the carpet was fangirling about you”. 

“Does that include you too? I don’t certainly mind if it includes you”. 

She rolls her eyes and decides to ignore his whole comment and concentrate on their dancing. It was pretty good, compared to what it could actually be.  

“If it makes you feel better, I stared at you too”. 

Shuri almost chokes on her own spit. 

“What?”

He doesn’t avoid her eyes, which makes her think that he is actually serious. 

“That I stared at you too. When I got to see you clearly. You have always been breathtaking, Shuri”. 

For some reason, her entire body is acting funny. Her stomach feels like it has a whole apiary inside, her heart is about to burst out of her chest and her head is going in circles. 

He complimented her before, why this makes her feel like she is about to die of happiness?

And the worse part of it all is that he is looking at her like he means it like he absolutely and completely believes what he just said. 

She lets him guide her through the dance after that, till the song is over and they don’t have any more excuses to be on the dancefloor. 

“It's nice to know you are still using my mother’s bracelet”, and when she looks, he is holding the hand of the wrist where she is wearing it. 

“It means a lot to me”, they stare at each other, while around everyone is starting to dance again, like in those sappy romance movies her mother secretly liked to see with her. 

“I’m glad to hear that”, and he can’t hide the smile that burst on his lips. And she surprises herself by smiling back at him, while his hand is still holding hers. 

M’Baku clears his throat just when she finished giving the council the report about the ONU gala. 

The whole room falls silent, and Shuri looks at him from the throne, waiting. 

“And did our queen freeze?”

It takes her more than she will have liked to understand what he meant. 

“Like an antelope in the headlights”, Okoye answers without wasting time.

“I did not!”, Shuri protests, but is late since everyone is laughing at her already.

"I believe, estimated members of the council, that you all owe me money". 

"You bet on me?"

They all answer laughing, and Shuri is left speechless...again. 

"Well, well, well", Attuma starts and, since Namor knew what was coming, he started looking for a way to disappear from his own throne room (like it was even possible). 

But then, Attuma turns to Namora and stretches his hand. Namora groans before she gets something shiny from her pockets and gives it mumbling curses to him. 

"You have always been such a sour loser". 

"Wait", Namor intervenes, "what did you two bet this time?"

"Namora here bet you weren't going to ask Shuri to dance", Attuma said, smiling quite brightly, almost like a shark. 

Namor blinks. 

"And I lost", she complains. 

"Why are you two like this?"

"Why do you fall for the first princess you meet?"

Namor opens his mouth but nothing comes out, just bubbles.

Attuma's laugh is all that fills the throne room then. 

[lapeaudelamemoire]

Missed orientation for my course today. The information announcing the date was in an email titled 'Internship Planning: Course Updates' or something of the sort, and only came after a list of dot points about the internship forms we are supposed to be working on, and not as a dot point itself either, which very much failed to draw attention to itself, I felt. Felt terrible this morning anyhow and was in no shape to go, but anyway - I missed it.

Completely unplanned aside - realise that I have become inured to messages and completely ignore them because of the constant expectation of being available to respond 24/7 with technology these days, or what I am now terming 'availability fatigue'.

I don't think there has ever been a time in human history where we have been expected to be immediately available all of the time, nor have had such wide and instant demand for responses. Now with mobile phones and the internet, there are text messages, emails, calls, from literally anywhere in the world pretty much, and you're expected to be available for dealing with such an influx 8 hours a day 5 days a week for work, and all the hours of the day outside of and to some extent including that in your personal life too. I think I have communication fatigue. I don't think there has ever been this much readily accessible communication before. But as things get faster, so does the requirement to communicate faster.

Suddenly I am stoppered with how many things there are that I want to say. And the same with how many things I want to do. And I realise that a significant amount of the choke is a not-felt but nevertheless effectively acting paralysis of fear or at least apprehension and tremulousness at the implications and energy that comes with having to face them.

They made me an email account of my own at the unpaid private practice clinic. Another email, that they suggested we route to our inboxes to make sure we don't miss anything.

I understand the benefit and necessity even of having separate accounts for each organisation and role and so on, but it also is so... many. Personal email, work email, other work email if you have a second job - and we have two placement locations, so - school email maybe if applicable (and it is to me), and really as many work emails as you have different jobs, including 'side hustles'.

When you go to fill out a form, there's Personal Phone, Work Phone, Home Phone, just the same.

.

Sigh. I came on here to say something else entirely.

Log.

Have been working on the apartment with the little bit of energy I've managed to recoup and accumulate during this break. Difficult to believe it's already the end of January. But reworking the apartment has been good.

... -

I am almost afraid to say it is good in case something jumps on that, that fear of speaking happiness like an invitation to have it be spoiled. But then I think that is why, perhaps, we so rarely speak of happiness and joy - not only that it is harder to pin down, nor that we are in the moment of experiencing it, but also that we fear that should we write it down as a record, that it would be an invitation to the fates to recant it, jinx it. We never fear that our sadness or misery be taken away by writing it down, and indeed writing it out or expressing it in any form is a way of letting it out, and lessens the burden - but it is the exact opposite we want of happiness and joy.

[melloween-candie]

Yandere Debbie [D.G]

Debbie Gallagher as a Yandere Headcanon

A/n - Didn't organize it. Just wrote whatever came to mind at that very moment. Hope y'all enjoy~ 💕

Warning! Yandere behavior, Stockholm Syndrome, delusional, Mention of drugs, kidnapping, ra°e

Word count: 698

Shameless Masterlist

Fandom Masterlists

Yandere type [Delusional]

Debbie is truly something. In that one episode, she kidnapped a little kid. This time she kidnaps you.

Let's start from the beginning. Debbie was a desperate kid growing up. She wanted the attention of boys.

Until she meets you.

At first, she'd try flirting with you. Just like Carl, she'll try to win you over with her 'pretty' face and 'hot' body.

She didn't really understand what she was doing.

You thought she was harmless, honestly, and you chose to stick around as her friend.

Debbie didn't really have a lot of friends, so as you guys grew older, she became more fond of you.

Throughout that time, Debbie would have tried multiple tricks into getting you into bed with her.

I feel like she wouldn't consider her behavior as 'not normal' and more as 'normal.'

Debbie, to me as a yandere, would be the passive-aggressive type. Like the type that forces you to do things you don't wanna do, but she'd do it to you kindly? If that makes any sense.

She would most definitely kidnap you and treat you like you're her boyfriend.

She's the type of yandere who truly believes that you love her, so she'd be the one to ra*e you thinking it's not ra*e.

She'd keep doing it until she becomes pregnant, and she'd be very happy about it. She'd instantly tell you.

You'd be devastated knowing dame well, the baby can't help you and possibly never will. Debbie would probably manipulate it without even knowing it cause she believes in her own lies too.

You're honestly scared of her.

She doesn't listen to reason. She won't let you out for any reason. Apart from her letting you out once to go on a 'date.'

You're mainly in a basement somewhere alone for hours 90% of the time.

No one in her family will ever find out.

Because she's not using her house. She'd most likely use an abandoned apartment complex that has a basement.

She, however, would bring you food every day. She would make sure you were taken care of nicely. Always feeding you- forcing you or not, Cleaning your clothes and sheets once a week. She'd even bring new movies and books for you to keep yourself entertained.

Of course, she isn't stupid. Deep down, she knows what she's doing is wrong, but she's too far into it. So obviously, she wouldn't give you anything that has access to the Internet.

She wouldn't want you to escape after all.

If you do, then your most likely to escape for a very long time. Debbie would be extremely depressed, worried, and anxious.

She'd spend her days trying to find you. Her mental health would deplete instantly thinking of stuff like, "Was it me? Did I do something wrong?!" Or "Y/N, PLEASE COME BACK! I'm sorry! I swear I'll be a better girlfriend! Just PLEASE, DON'T LEAVE ME!!!"

However, once she finds you, she wouldn't even be mad. She'd be more worried and relieved than mad.

Honestly, during your time of capture, you could have tried to hurt her. Though if you did, she'd come back with drugs. Forcing you to sleep so she can tie you down tightly.

Once you wake up, she'd punish you by taking away your entertainment.

Though she would never lay her hands on you. She values being a 'good' girlfriend.

And if anyone ever asks about you, she'd instantly get defensive. Saying stuff like, "How should I know?!" Or like, "I've never spoken to him in my life!"

Overall, Debbie would be thrilled once you get Stockholm syndrome because it will feed her fantasies so fast.

And one day, when you prove to her that you're 'deeply in love with her', she'd even let you leave the basement. Of course, that will only happen when she has her own home and a stable financial situation.

All she ever wanted was a happy, loving family, and she will get that with you one day, whether you like it or not. She'd prefer you to be willing, but of course, she understands that a good girlfriend has to use force sometimes.

A/n

Finally got something for DEBBIE! Hope you guys liked it. :)

[thebentbones]

I took my new name documents to the doctor to finally have my name changed after wrongfully being denied for a year, only to have the same vile receptionist tell me (actually not me, she only looked my mom the whole time, even when I was speaking directly to her) that they couldn't change my title and gender. She said, "we can only do that when they've had..." and gestured to her lower half.

When I said that I am able to do that actually she nodded along, and then said "well maybe if you go and do some research on it a bit we can work it out" I told her there was no need, as I have extensively researched it.

There's a back and forth of her saying to look into it (again, only addressing my mother) and me insisting I have, where she says that they've just been talking about it in the office and weren't sure what to do (which seems like something they should know, or immediately find out when it comes up). She told me to come back when I've done some research and talk to the practice manager. At one point she said to change title I'd need a new NHS number, and I said "yes, that's what I need you to do!" Thinking we'd finally got there, but then she went back to saying they couldn't do it.

So i'm desperately trying to get my internet to work to prove what I'm saying, but she is moving away back to her desk. Its obvious she doesn't believe me, or simply can't be arsed, and is trying to shut me down. She came over to tell me all this while I was in the waiting room waiting to see the doctor, so I'm panicking that I'm about to be called and that I'm losing her attention and my chance. Everyone in the room can hear what's happening.

I can't get the page to load but I tell her I know I'm right because it's the psce website I got my information from. This seemed to change something, and visibly annoy her, and she says she'll be back in a moment. When she comes back she says that she spoke with the office manager (if she's been here the whole time why not get her at the beginning?) and that it has to be done through psce, they'll start it now and it should be sorted in a few days. She gave no apology or explanation, she still did not even look at me.

Then my wrong name came up on the board for the whole room to see, starting with 'miss', as I was called into the doctor. A humiliation to rub salt in the wound. I was so excited to finally change my details after being wrongly denied for months, she took something that should have been joyful and made it painful and humiliating.

Honestly if my sister hadn't been there I think I would have taken the whole thing a lot harder. My sister was pissed though. When we got out of there she was so angry, talking about how it is straight up discrimination and fucking disgusting. We ranted it out together and it helped so much, like yes, that fucking sucked and was completely messed up, did that actually happen? What is that old bags problem? Maybe if you don't know how to speak to other human beings or what compassion is then this isn't the job for you.

The psce website says it takes no longer than 5 working days. So if it isn't done in one week, we will be walking back into that doctors office with the whole page printed off, highlighted at the relevant parts, and will not be leaving until it is done. Luckily I have support, not everyone does. I have to make sure they know this process so that the next person doesn't have to fight in order to be treated like a human being.

Weirdly every other place I've needed to update has been so easy, they just make a copy of my document and fill in a form. As soon as I get my new passport I can change the last few places and my deadname will be gone!

[dk-thrive]

Hungry. That was the word that hooked me. That’s how my brain felt to me, too. Hungry. Needy. Itchy.

So when I came across Nicholas Carr’s book in 2020 (The Shallows: What Internet is Doing to Our Brains), I was ready to read it. And what I found in it was a key — not just to a theory but to a whole map of 20th-century media theorists...who saw what was coming and tried to warn us. Carr’s argument began with an observation, one that felt familiar:

The very way my brain worked seemed to be changing. It was then that I began worrying about my inability to pay attention to one thing for more than a couple of minutes. At first I’d figured that the problem was a symptom of middle-age mind rot. But my brain, I realized, wasn’t just drifting. It was hungry. It was demanding to be fed the way the Net fed it — and the more it was fed, the hungrier it became. Even when I was away from my computer, I yearned to check email, click links, do some Googling. I wanted to be connected.

Hungry. That was the word that hooked me. That’s how my brain felt to me, too. Hungry. Needy. Itchy. Once it wanted information. But then it was distraction. And then, with social media, validation. A drumbeat of: You exist. You are seen...

These are industries I know well, and I do not think it has changed them, or the people in them (myself included), for the better.

But what would? I’ve found myself going back to a wise, indescribable book that Jenny Odell, a visual artist, published in 2019. In “How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy,” Odell suggests that any theory of media must first start with a theory of attention. “One thing I have learned about attention is that certain forms of it are contagious,” she writes.

When you spend enough time with someone who pays close attention to something (if you were hanging out with me, it would be birds), you inevitably start to pay attention to some of the same things. I’ve also learned that patterns of attention — what we choose to notice and what we do not — are how we render reality for ourselves, and thus have a direct bearing on what we feel is possible at any given time. These aspects, taken together, suggest to me the revolutionary potential of taking back our attention.

I think Odell frames both the question and the stakes correctly. Attention is contagious. What forms of it, as individuals and as a society, do we want to cultivate? What kinds of mediums would that cultivation require?

This is anything but an argument against technology, were such a thing even coherent. It’s an argument for taking technology as seriously as it deserves to be taken, for recognizing, as McLuhan’s friend and colleague John M. Culkin put it, “we shape our tools, and thereafter, they shape us.”

There is an optimism in that, a reminder of our own agency. And there are questions posed, ones we should spend much more time and energy trying to answer: How do we want to be shaped? Who do we want to become?

— Ezra Klein, from “I Didn’t Want It to Be True, but the Medium Really Is the Message” (NY Times, August 7, 2022)

[ryqoshay]

Happy Life: How to Handle a Messy Angel

Primary Pairing: YohaRiko Words: ~2k Rating: T? Fandom: Love Live Sunshine Parent Fic: Happy Life AU: Angelic? Time Frame: Sometime early during Yohane’s 2nd and Riko’s 3rd year of high school Event: Femslash Friday Event Source: @femslash-friday-prompts Prompt: Mess

---------

Author’s Note: Between this week’s prompt and a recent SIFAS Daily Theatre post, I couldn’t help writing this little bit of YohaRiko.

This chapter takes place in the days after this entry.

Summary: Yohane isn’t always the best prepared for the day, and Riko has taken notice

---------

“Yoshiko-chan!”

“Mm?” Yoshiko turned as a familiar voice called for her attention, deciding not to correct the other girl as she was simply happy to see her before heading to class. “Riri! Good morning!” She greeted with a grin.

“You seem more awake this morning.” Riko commented upon catching up with the second year.

“Oh yeah… uhm… about that…” Yoshiko sighed “our internet went out halfway through my stream last night, so I ended up turning in early.”

“Oh dear, that’s too bad.” Riko replied with an empathetic smile. “But at least you’re better rested, and you left yourself time to secure your bun properly. Although…” She furrowed her brow as her gaze dropped a bit “your bow is crooked.”

“It is?”

“Yeah, here, let me get it for you.”

“R-Riri?” Yoshiko questioned as Riko’s hands moved below her neck and deftly adjusted school uniform accessory.

“There we go.” Riko patted the knot gently. “Ohmigosh I’m sorry.” Red spread across her face as she realized where she had placed her hand, and she quickly withdrew it.

“I-It’s fine…” Yoshiko responded, wondering how badly she herself was blushing. “Thanks.”

“Riko-cha~n!” a voice called from nearby. “You’re going to be late!”

“Coming, Chika-chan!” Riko called back before returning her attention to the girl beside her. “See you at lunch, Yoshiko-chan.”

“Right, see you then.” Yoshiko responded.

Riko flashed one more smile before sprinting off to join Chika and You.

---------

“Fwaaah…” Yoshiko yawned.

“Another late night of streaming?” Riko inquired, concern obvious in her tone.

“Mm… I had to make up for ending things early the other night.”

“But that wasn’t your fault.”

“Riri,” Yoshiko intoned, “as one of Yohane’s most elite little demons, you should know by now that with the cursed luck Heaven hath bestowed upon this fallen angel, such things shall always be my fa… geh?” She cut off as she felt a swat atop her head; not hard enough to hurt, but certainly enough to get her attention.

“Blame Heaven all you want, but you know I don’t like it when you blame yourself for such things.” Riko stated decisively.

“Right, sorry Riri.” Yoshiko apologized, letting herself rise out of Yohane’s vocal range. “But anyway, even though I was in a rush this morning, I made sure to double check my bun and sash.”

“I noticed that.” Riko giggled. “Good work, Yoshiko-chan. However…”

“Eh? Wha’d I miss this time?”

“One of your stockings is slouching.” Riko said before stooping. “Let me get…”

“Heee?!” Yoshiko squeaked as a strange sensation skittered up her spine.

“Geh, I did it again…” Riko said as she stood back up, pink already dusting her cheeks. “I’m sorry, Yoshiko-chan, I really didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine, you just startled me is all.” Yoshiko said before thinking better of it.

Had she really only been startled or had there been something… No. She had decided she wasn’t going to feel that way about Riko and just focus on enjoying their growing friendship. Still, Yoshiko couldn’t deny that it very much seemed like Riko was paying more attention to her than usual. Riko was even going so far as to seek out Yoshiko during their walk from the station to school, despite taking the same bus as Chika.

But was that all really such a bad thing? It wasn’t like Yoshiko didn’t enjoy the newly increased attention. Perhaps, maybe… No. No. Stop. Yoshiko shook her head as though doing so would help shake away the thoughts she knew were coming.

“Yoshiko-chan?”

Yoshiko blinked back to reality. “Sorry, Riri, I was just thinking about… stuff.”

“Like what rituals you might perform later tonight?”

“What? No.” Yoshiko crossed her arms defiantly. “I’ll have you know that not everything a fallen angel thinks about is rituals.”

Riko laughed lightly. “I suppose. But do let me know the next time you want to perform one and I’ll try to be free for it.”

“Fufu. As expected of Yohane’s elite little demon, Riri.” Yoshiko managed to intone, despite her excitement over the fact that this was the first time Riko had been the one to offer to participate in a ritual, instead of being invited.

“Anyway, see you at lunch, Yoshiko-chan.” Riko said, before turning toward the third-year classrooms.

“Of course.”

---------

“Convenience store bento again today, Yoshiko-chan?” Hanamaru asked as the three second-years sat at their usual table, across from the third-years.

“Papa let me have it since I didn’t leave myself enough time to make one myself.” Yoshiko explained with a shrug.

“Doesn’t your mother usually make your lunches for you?” Riko inquired.

“Yeah, but she’s been on a business trip all week.”

“Hmm, well perhaps then I could make bentos for you?”

“Eh? Really?” Yoshiko perked up at the unexpected offer.

“Yoshiko-chan’s sure being doted on.” Hanamaru teased, earning a growl of protest from the girl beside her.

“Just until her mother gets back.” Riko insisted, blushing despite not being the intended target of the teasing, but caught by the splash damage, nonetheless.

“Aww, no fair.” Chika whined. “I wanna eat Riko-chan’s homemade bentos too.”

“I’d be fine making one for you as well, Chika-chan.” Riko said before leaning back to look past the orange-haired girl. “Would you also like one, You-chan?”

“If Riko-chan’s offering, sure.” You accepted. “Then I’ll get you back after.”

Chika sighed. “You-chan’s homemade bento…”

You laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll be sure to make one for you as well, Chika-chan. And Yoshiko-chan too. In fact, I can just make them for everyone.”

“I’ll take a turn after that.” Ruby offered.

“Then me, zura.” Hanamaru added.

“I make some too.” Yoshiko threw in.

“Just go easy on the Tabasco.” Hanamaru’s teasing tone returned.

“Pigi!” Ruby flinched at the mention of overly spiced food made by her fellow second-year.

“It will be good!” Yoshiko insisted. “In fact, Yohane’s will be the best!” She proclaimed, though immediately realized Riko’s would probably be better, at least as far as she was concerned.

The other five girls had a laugh at the proud proclamation before their usual lunch chatter resumed.

---------

Pffffsssss

“Kyaa!” Yoshiko cried, turning away from the spraying soda.

“I got it.”

A cloth began to dab at Yoshiko’s face.

“Wow, Riko-chan,” Yoshiko heard Chika’s voice “that was quick.”

Yoshiko opened her eyes once Riko had finished drying her face and had moved on to her hair. Chika, You, Hanamaru and Ruby were all looking at either her or Riko in mild surprise. She opened her mouth to say something, but…

“Oh dear,” Riko said, “your bun is soaked, Yoshiko-chan. It will get sticky if we don’t clean it properly. C’mon, let’s get you to the bathroom.”

“I’ll help.” Ruby offered.

“Thanks Ruby-chan, but I can take care of this.” Riko assured as she helped Yoshiko to her feet. “You guys go ahead and keep eating.”

“We’ll watch your food so no critters steal it, zura.” Hanamaru said.

Under different circumstances, Yoshiko might have quipped that she was more worried about Hanamaru eating her food than some random squirrel or the like. However, at that moment she just wanted to get her hair cleaned quickly so she could finish before their break was over. After all, it would be a shame to let Riko’s delicious cooking go to waste.

“You don’t have to waste your lunch time as well, Riri.” Yoshiko said as the two made their way toward the restroom.

“It will go quicker with another set of hands.” Riko insisted. “Let’s see, paper towels, warm water…” She started getting things ready.

“Riri acts like this is the first time Yohane has had to wash something out of her hair.” Yoshiko couldn’t help laughing a little.

“I know, I just…” Riko paused in the middle of undoing Yoshiko’s bun. “I… I know Yoshiko-chan has been dealing with her bad luck for years, but lately, I can’t help worrying and I…” She met Yoshiko’s gaze in the mirror. “Would you prefer I stop?”

Yoshiko felt warmth spread through her chest. “No.” She resisted the urge to shake her head so as to avoid pulling her hair out of the other girl’s hands. “And I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. Actually, knowing someone as wonderful as Riri is looking out for me and trying to counteract some of my cursed luck makes me quite happy.” She smiled. “It’s almost like I have my own guardian angel or something. Thanks, Riri.”

A beautiful blush blossomed across the redhead’s face. “Y-you’re welcome…” She forced out before turning her attention back to the blue strands with which she was working.

A mostly comfortable quiet settled between the two as Riko continued to work, leaving little for Yoshiko to do herself other than just watch in the mirror. However, after about a minute, Riko began to hum.

“Ne, Riri.” Yoshiko said after listening for a couple minutes.

“Mm?”

“Is that the same song you were humming the other day when you fixed my bun?”

“Probably. I’ve been humming it a lot lately.”

“I’m not sure I recognize it. Is it a new one you’re writing?”

Riko smiled. “Yeah, it is.”

“It sounds nice. I like it.”

Riko’s smile grew. “Although I’m not sure who I want to have sing it yet, our whole group, our subgroup or if I should sing it myself as a solo.”

“Yohane wouldn’t mind lending her voice to such a lovely tune.”

“Well perhaps Chika-chan and I can turn it into a duet for us.”

“For Riri and Chika?”

“No, silly,” Riko chuckled “for Yoshiko-chan and me.”

“Oh, uhm… I’d like that.”

“A duet it is then.” Riko smiled again. “Oh, and I’m done here.” She patted the bun she had just secured in Yoshiko’s hair. “Shall we head back to finish lunch?”

“Alright.” Yoshiko agreed and followed her senior out of the restroom.

As they made their way back, Yoshiko remembered Hanamaru’s teasing as well as her own thoughts on the topic as of late. Perhaps she didn’t need to delve too deeply into why Riko was insisting on doting on her so much. After all, Riko had just explained it; she was worried about Yoshiko’s wellbeing. And Yoshiko hadn’t been lying when she said it was nice. Perhaps she should just leave things at that and enjoy being spoiled a little.

---------

“Let’s see, bun intact, bow straight, stockings up properly…”

“Riri doesn’t really have to inspect me every single morning, you know…”

“Apparently, I do.”

“Eh? But I thought I…”

“Your buttons are off.”

“My wh…” Yoshiko cutoff as Riko began undoing the buttons of her blazer so she could reach the blouse under it. “R-Riri?”

Just what the heck was Riko doing? Sure, they were at least within the school, not outside, but they were still in the hallway where any other student could see. Thankfully, Riko redid the buttons as she went instead of undoing them all before realigning them. But still…

“There we go. All good.” Riko said rebuttoning Yoshiko’s blazer.

What? No blush? No embarrassment? Was Riko already used to doing these things?

“See you at lunch, Yoshiko-chan!”

“R-Right…” Yoshiko’s response was delayed, and as such delivered to Riko’s back.

Sure, Yoshiko had decided she would sit back and enjoy Riko spoiling her in ways like making bentos for lunch, even if she was making them for everyone else as well. And even if Yoshiko intended to return the favor at some point. Sure, Yoshiko very much enjoyed when Riko worked with her hair, even entertaining the idea of occasionally messing up her bun just so Riko could fix it. But her buttons, bow and stockings? As embarrassing at it was, she couldn’t deny that part of her kind of liked it. And that could cause problems if she was to stick with her plans regarding Riko.

As Yoshiko made her way toward her homeroom class, she decided she needed to be more vigilant about her clothes, or her heart may not survive her second year of high school.

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Author’s Note Continued: I know I’ve mentioned that I have a strong headcanon that my flagship redheads all have some sort of obsession or adoration or whatever concerning hair. Maki canonically plays with her own hair regularly, and I’ve extended that desire to Nico’s hair in my works. Ayumu takes the lead when it comes to styling her fellow idols’ hair before events, and somehow always manages to ensure she is the one to work with Setsuna’s hair. She also happily dries and/or brushes Yuu and Setsuna’s hair when they have sleepovers, and of course does so more often once the trio is together. And she is the head of the hair and makeup department in the Sonoda Kurosawa Theater in my monster AU.

But I really haven’t done much with Riko in this regard. Thus, this chapter can serve as one, of hopefully more to come, instances of Riko working with Yohane’s hair in some way.

Also, I know the SIFAS Daily Theare entry technically takes place with Yohane as a first year and Riko as a second year, but that is in the SIFAS continuity where µ’s, Aqours and the Nijigasaki idol club coexist at the same time. Happy Life takes place in the anime continuity, so I’ve decided to move it over a year so it fits better with the timeline I have planned for the girls.

As for Yohane’s ribbon and blazer, I went with what I believe to be the second year style depicted in the Sunshine movie at their new school. I also figure she retains her thigh high stockings even after transferring.

As for Riko’s uniform, it would likely be similar to Yohane’s. Skimming through the SS movie, I was unable to readily locate a depiction of the third year ribbon or sash style, but Otonokizaka, Uranohoshi and Nijigasaki all use green, so Numazu probably does as well.

Here is a screencap from the movie showing first and second year students of Numazu High School.

And finally, as for Riko humming while working with Yohane’s hair, that was an idea inspired by a pic that showed up on my twitter timeline shortly after the Daily Theatre entry. And I’m probably going to keep that as canon for HL, that when Riko works with Yohane’s hair, she can’t help humming happily to herself.

Edit: I tried to remove the hyperlink from the text of the two links to twitter, to give credit to the sources of my inspiration while not getting this post banned from appearing in tag searches, but tumblr decided to add them back in automatically. So I guess I have to decide between crediting my inspiration and being able to have my work actually be found by those not following me. And I’m going to go with crediting my inspiration.

Frankly, tumblr keeps making itself more and more unfriendly to fanfic authors, which often makes me wonder why I still bother posting my stuff here, so much so that I’ve long since stopped tracking my index master posts. But AO3 is awesome, and I will continue using it for the foreseeable future, so go read my stuff there. The formatting is better there anyway; they haven’t gotten rid of the line break as far as I can tell.

[ducknotinarow]

2k12 Mikey Don - #

send me “#” for cell phone headcanons about our muses including:      

"Aw come on again? I dunno know, feel like Donnie would find me giving my phone over for this to be a pretty obviously bad way to get my information taken or something like that? Since he's always going on about internet safety and such. Then again he was sort of a jerk to me the other day?" The turtle purses his beak and takes a moment to think it over "Alright you can look!"

- what your muse’s name is in mine’s phone    

⚗️"Dee🥼 "

"Yeah nothing to special there I guess but just one of his nicknames we all use here and there. Don, Donnie, Dee. Ya know nothing to out there really I did add some sciencey looking emojis though! I thought about the goggles too since Donnie wears goggles hmm maybe I should swap it for the goggles now instead?" Mikey offers with a tilt of his head :I bet if Don could he would ear the full get up? Maybe I can find him an old lab coat?" Mikey attention shifts away with the the thought.                          

- what your muse’s picture is in mine’s phone        

[image description] it's clearly taken from the pit in the lair, Donnie's on the couch with a tub of popcorn for once out to join the rest of them for some TV time. They look decently happy wearing a pair of socks on their feet because they were complain about being cold. His attention is off to the side because he was in the middle of explaining that to Raphael. You can also slightly just see the corner of Leo's elbow on Don's other side. It was a photo he took of his three eldest brothers all getting ready to sit down and relax for a night in. Just the four them for once at that. Sure Raph was being Raph, grumpy and such. Leo was ready to step in and get all bossy as he does. Well Mikey was trying to run the reigns for the night. But Donnie? looked content and happy. Even with the rough patch it was just a normal moment for the four of them. Donnie didn't seem annoyed by Raph he was smiling that soft little look. Mikey just liked it so he snap the shot and crop each of their faces for their own contacts.

"Ya know? for the longest time all my photos for Donnie tend to have him in his lab. Sometimes yelling for me to get out. Sometimes it's him in the middle of something he's working on. Cause I guess despite knowing Don all my life? I kind of only saw him as the guy with all the answers. The one who can fix everything. And yeah I still do think that way of him but then? he got real sick and mean and stupid. But we all do that stuff mean Raph 'quites' the team least once a month all the time but he always come back after a few days. I guess I kind of forget Donnie's well not just those things? And I dunno I think its a nice photo to use for him to remember that. Even when hes kind of a jerk with the whole online friends stuff I know he's just worried about me. Like how he smiling here seeming happy to be surrounded by us?" Mikey smiles and shrugs his shoulders "You think 15 years of only living and knowing each other we be better at this stuff but I guess we sorta got used to nothing changing we forget those little things? Like sometimes we need 'breaks' and just be allowed to exist and I think Don is the worst about it so it's nice when he lets himself just be with us."

- what your muse’s ringtone is in mine’s phone        

Gold by SHADED What’s it gonna take to fill the void again? Am I doing this all wrong? And will I ever be enough to see the rough and clear it up Until you’re not just giving up? Oh, you lighten up my soul

"Donnie might seem like a jerk and full of himself cause hes smart and junk. But I mean he is really smart course he. But think Donnie prides himself too much into it, yeah he got an ego but that ain't what I mean. Donnie relies on being the smart one ya know? He feel he has to fix everything but he always fixes everything so it makes sense he does think that way? Honestly I think the reason Splinter don't harp too much when he slips is cause well no one can be harder on Don then Don already is on himself. And I dunno think it just makes him thing bad things about himself."                     

- my muse’s last text to your muse

[text] Who closes the bus door after the bus driver gets off the bus?

[text] is it the s or the c that is silent in scent?

[text] Why do they call them fingers? I've never seen them fing.

[text] How far west can you go before you start heading east

[text] Can you hold your breath till you pass out? I can :D

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[text] you get to pick for movie night this week!

[text] plz don't make us watch something smart though, my brain don't wanna think tonight Dee

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[text] DEE!!!

[text] Don!!!

[text] Donnie!

[text] DEDE!!!

[text] Donatello!!!

[text] I'm sorry please let me back in to the lab!!!

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[text] I'm making pizza run got bonus coupon deals we can have anything toppings we want!

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[text] Imma steal Von! I think she like to take my very important zine quizzes with Angel.

[manadrake]

FALLING IN LOVE WITH SINGLE PLAYER GAMES AGAIN

Throughout the month of May our internet was down for multiple days at a time which meant I couldn’t play my usual “live service” games so I ended up diving into Ratchet and Clank: A Rift Apart. I haven’t touched the game since it initially released in 2021, not even kidding I only played up to the first 10mins of the game, and I decided to just jump right in and I am SO HAPPY I did. I ended up finishing it after 3 nights, a full 100% including collectibles, and as the credits rolled I sat there and just thought — holy cow, I forgot what its like to play something that has an actual ending.

For some context, the last time I completed a game with a definitive “end” was Assassin’s Creed 2 which was during a play through I was doing on my stream and that was back in 2013 just before I moved to California. Yep you caught that, it’s been TEN YEARS since I completed a single player game. I have realized that since I started working in the video game industry, particularly with live service products, I would feel compelled to spend time only those games - I mean I work on them so I should prioritize them right? Well in doing so I’ve inadvertently taken away a bit of joy from myself in playing and exploring a world that has a defined “end” to it.

That’s not to say all live service games are bad but I’ve come to a point in my life where the places I spend my time (and money) is starting to matter even more to me than it did ten years ago and so thanks to losing internet (repeatedly btw but four days straight has been the longest without it) I have started diving back into more single play experiences. What currently has my attention:

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Very late to the party I know BUT this was another casualty to me getting distracted and forgetting. I had tried to play in 2017 - got distracted - picked it up again with a new save in 2020…got distracted 10mins in…and now we are back at it! I l am much further along than I was before and I just finished unlocking the entire map so I can more freely explore, I’m so excited!

Spyro The Dragon Remastered Trilogy

I love this cute purple dragon so much. I was working on a play through on stream of the original Spyro before this remaster came out but picking it up fresh with the beautiful new graphics is chef’s kiss

Now me drifting back to single player games definitely doesn’t mean I am done with live service, Disney Dreamlight Valley and The Sims do exist and those who know me know I am all in on them, but it has been just really nice losing myself into some games that don’t feed into my FOMO due to limited time events.

What games have you been playing lately?