#it was the same thing with bipolar like I knew I had it even before the doctors did and I was like hello

[trinity0finite]

Right Now - Yu Jimin

Nonidol!Jimin x Biker!Reader

Desc- you hated party and admitting you're in the wrong, going to a party to save and apologise to your potential future wife? pfft..

tags: redflag simp reader bc thats the only thing i can seem to write 🥰, Jimin keeps you in check, super fine karina, my woman jimin, non!idol!au, i love bikes, i need my own fr, kinda petty and dumb reader ig, reader simps for karina and we get that, mommy rina haha..

note/ sorry if this sucks, my bipolar ass keep changing the plot

pushing past these sweaty, futureless people was one of the least thing you wanna do. but to save your potential future wife? you'd do just about anything.

but just because you two got into an argument doesn't mean she can just show up to your friend's party with another dude and not tells you about it.

you knew it was your fault, you broke a promise but for her to show up with the one guy you asked her to stay away from was too far.

now, you had a mission apologise, kiss her, make up,then kiss her again, and then make out or do something more.

suddenly a body bumped into yours, liquid spilled all over you which heightened your rage even more. and it turns out to be Choi Yeonjun.

The male turned around to face you, his eyes widened to see your glare, and hardened jaw. he rushes to use his hand to wipe the wet fabric of your leather jacket which makes you livid.

"sorry! sorry!" he continuously cries out.

Jay who was behind you could only suck in a breath and prepare for what's about to happen.

and the only thought on your mind was,

why was he using his dirty hand to touch you?

you grimaced before pushing the boy off of you with crazed amount of force, he bumped into another and they both fell to the ground, catching the other people's attention at the party and paused their dancing to check out the commotion.

"Ah you fucking-!" you gritted through your teeth and glare at the green hair boy who was shock.

as you were about to merge towards the boy, a hand on your chest stopped you. you paused, looking at the owner of the hand to see it was non other then the Yu Jimin.

"Jimin-ah.." you muttered out hopelessly, as your eyes landed on her. breath caught in your throat, even with an angry frown on her face she manages to still be the most beautiful woman you had ever laid your eyes on.

she was mad at you but she was still wearing the same matching black leather jacket you both got, you fell for her even more.

without even replying, she pulls you by your leather jacket and fast walking away from the crowd.

it was quiet, too quiet for your liking as karina stared at you with the most disappointing stare that almost made you whimper.

you were stronger and certainly not smaller than her, but something about her make you weak in the knees. maybe its the way she looks, the way she smiles, the way her eyes sparkle, the way her lips looks, the way she handles you emotionally, the way she wears your clothes — lets go back to what's happening.

"were you going to fight again?" you winced at her strong tone and look down at your feet.

"he-he spilled his drink all over me.." you muttered out trying to get out of another situation of Jimin scolding you. you came here to apologise after all.

"it a party, they're drunk, it was an accident." the fact that she wasn't shouting at you scared you even more. you shivered at the deja vu with your mom.

it was even scarier because your mom actually likes Jimin for you.

"im sorry.." you whispered quietly, still not meeting her eyes making her sigh.

"look at me." she demanded, her hands on her hips.

instead, you didn't do as she says and got on your knees, in front of her, your head tilted up. her eyes widened to say she was shock was an understatement. because, you are the biggest, pettiest spoiled brat that she had ever seen. yet here you were, on your knees infront of her.

"please forgive me." you begged your voice breaks as you held onto her hand. "please baby come back to me, 'm sorry"

"i fucked up, i'll change." you admits it, you fucked up because you promised her to not get in any other fight, and you still did anyway. "i'll change for you, i'll change for us."

somehow, Jimin's heart swell in adoration, she wasn't supposed to feel like this, but she couldn't help it. you looked like a sad, kicked puppy, begging her to come back to you.

and now she confirmed it, underneath all of that tough interior, you were just a puppy. (not pet play)

she knelt down infront of you, hands cupping your cheeks to make you meets her eyes. the way you melt into her hand make it harder for her to control herself.

"i forgive you," she whispered, and you feels like thousand of weight had been lifted off of you. "but you need to keep your promise to me, you won't ever get into any other fights ever again."

with the way you quickly nodded your head, with your eyes wide almost made Jimin cooed.

Jimin slowly bring your face closer to hers, and the way you sigh in relief when your lips meet hers, it had felt like years of not feeling her lips on yours.

"my mom was going to kill me when she heard from jay that we got into an argument.." you muttered out of nowhere, against her lips.

"you deserved it." and her mumbled against yours, hand sneaking up to your fluffy hair and tugged it back, whimpers.

[babygorewhore]

I’m with you

This is a reupload of my bipolar comfort fic. I originally took it down because at the time it was too vulnerable for me. But now, I want to share it. I want you to feel less alone. And I also need to let this out.

Warnings. Angst. Heavy angst at that. Bipolar disorder depicted but not a specific type. I have type one so this is my experience. Depression and mania shown. Self inflicted bruises. Suicidal thoughts. It’s a heavy one guys. But it ends on a comforting note. Eddie would love you and accept you. And you deserve your own Eddie. I can’t wait to share more fics as the new year passes.

It started slowly.

Eddie noticed you were more tired. You started sleeping more. You didn’t want to go out as much. Your friend’s phone calls and texts went unanswered. It was getting harder for you to get dressed. You didn’t have energy to put on makeup. Anything you loved doing. You just couldn’t do it. You stopped feeling desire.

Eddie knew this was depression. Deep, dark depression. He knew of it. But in a much different way. Some weeks you couldn’t stop crying. Inconsolable and all he could do was hold you until you passed out. You had your doctor appointments online. You couldn’t leave the house. Eddie was beside himself with worry.

“I don’t want to be here.” You hugged your knees while laying on the floor. Eddie tried not to cry. He really did. But your hair was matted. Days old pajamas and your hands trembled with hysteria. A black pit in your chest. “I can’t fucking live in my head! Just make this feeling stop.”

He was terrified of leaving you. Even for a second. You laid your head on his lap, screaming about how much you wanted to die. It was heartbreaking. In his mind, you were so lively. Passionate. Loving. Kind. Funny. You had so many good qualities. He loved you so hard, he couldn’t even imagine life without his special girl.

But you didn’t see it.

You didn’t eat. He had to practically force you to drink something. Eddie was trembling with terror every time you were alone with a closed door.

But then, he came home from work, prepared to give you something to try and cheer you up. You had cleaned the entire apartment. Changed clothes. Showered and you had detangled your hair. Music was playing.

Eddie was…surprised to say the least. He had lost track of time of the deep darkness. But he would take this over the constant unbearable misery.

You were energetic. Bubbling with excitement and you didn’t even look like the same person. Eddie was so happy you seemed better. And for about a week, he thought everything had finally started getting better.

And then it somehow got even worse.

Eddie thought thankfully you were finally sleeping, at least for a few minutes. This new episode didn’t allow you to rest at all. He didn’t understand how you were still standing. You hadn’t slept. Dark circles under your eyes. It was almost a painful opposite of before. Eddie saw you do so many things at once. It was like your mind couldn’t be contained. It wouldn’t shut off. He couldn’t even keep up with you.

After he left for less than two minutes to grab something out of the car, when he came back in, all he heard was your footsteps. Stomping. He quickly came into the bedroom. You were sitting on the floor. You were wearing one of his shirts and shorts. Your hair was out of your face, exposing your clenched jaw and your eyes were glazed with something he was afraid of.

“I thought you were gonna try and sleep, babe.” He was slow to approach you. This was growing unpredictable. It wasn’t a rollercoaster. It was an inescapable storm.

“I can’t fucking sleep.” Your voice was low but biting. “I haven’t been able to sleep. I-“ You exhaled slowly, removing your hands from your lap. Eddie’s eyes widened. Massive bruises on your thighs. Fist sized.

“Baby, why did you that? You don’t deserve that,” He started and you shrugged harshly.

“Well, apparently I do. I must have done something wrong to have this fucking disorder.” You stood and Eddie went to approach you, knowing you were in pain but you shook off his attempt.

“Eddie, this is insane. I have no idea what the next day is. I don’t know if I’m going to be at the bottom of the pit or I’m going to be at the top of the clouds. There is no medium. I’m on all these pills. I go to therapy. I do everything right! But it still doesn’t matter.” You were crying without tears. The bracelet he gave you dangling from your wrist.

“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I can see it in your eyes. I see it now with the bruises on your legs but you aren’t-“

“God, I can’t do this anymore.” Your hands went on either side of your head. “I can’t fucking do this. I don’t want to live if it’s going to be like this. What kind of life is this? I-i feel like I’m constantly losing my mind. I never get it back. And I don’t know which is worse. I am so tired of fighting a battle no one can see.”

Now, your eyes welled. “Eddie. You don’t deserve this. All I do is probably bring you down with all these problems. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of me.”

He rushed to you, letting go of whatever held him back these past months and wrapped you in a crushing hug. His hair was tied in a bun so he could feel your skin against his face. Eddie hugged you so hard he couldn’t breathe and you stumbled.

He pulled back slightly, cupping your face and wiping away the tears with his thumbs.

“I am never going to let you go or let you deal with this alone. Ever. Baby. I’m not suffering. I have no idea what it’s like to be you. But You know what I feel?” You shook your head. Barely. “All I feel is so much love.”

“You shouldn’t-“

“Yes I should. I know you can’t see it now. And that’s okay. You don’t need to. But I see all of you. I see every thing about you. I want to be with you. No matter how dark it is.” You tried to hide that you were crying but he held you still.

“Baby. You’re not going to deal with this alone. I’ll fight for you. If you can’t right now, then I will. Im going try my fucking best to help you get through this. If that means I sit with you while you’re crying or I help you with a project you come up with. I love all versions of you.”

You finally wrapped your arms around his shoulders and hugged him again. “I love you, and I’m so glad you’re with me.” Your words were choked but Eddie was so relieved to hear them.

As worn out and upset as you were, he knew that that was exactly what you needed. And he was going to always be here with you. To help you get up again.

Tagging @xxhellfirebunnyxx @reidsbtch @lesservillain @take-everything-you-can @emsgoodthinkin @imyourdaninow @slvt4jamesmarch @ifeeltoofuckingmuch @melodymunson @onegirlmanytales

If you’re not tagged I forgot. I’m very tired and I’m going through a depressive state myself. But I hope this comforted you.

[redwiccanrobin]

In the episode that features Monica’s funeral, Frank gives a speech. He goes up and says with as much love as he can about how Monica changed his life. How she taught him to live. It’s weirdly sweet for Frank. But the moment I wanted to talk about is that the cameras centers Ian as Frank says this.

He looks contemplative. Like there’s a vision in his mind that he can’t ignore. That vision is Mickey. There’s probably regret and guilt racking through him as well. Regret that he left that man he loves at the border. Probably wondering what would have happened if he had just gone with him. Because he wants to be with Mickey. Guilt that the man sitting next to him is nowhere near that level. Even though he wants to try with him.

Mickey caused a spark in Ian. A coursing love that consumed him even when they were at odds. He was safety and a thrill all at the same time for Ian. Ian found someone he was sexually, romantically, and platonically compatible with. Mickey held him tight when he walked him out of that jail cell. Mickey held him tight before he walked into that hospital. Mickey crawled into bed, said sorry for disappearing for a while, kissed his head. Mickey forgave him for all the things he did whilst manic. Things that hurt Mickey in ways that Ian never wanted to do. Because he understood that Ian wasn’t in the right frame of mind.

There’s a parallel between Frank/Monica and Ian/Mickey. Not because they’re similar. But because they’re opposites. Yes, Mickey taught Ian how to live. Yes, Mickey was the light that Ian needed. He was everything that Frank described Monica as for Ian. But the difference is the way Ian and Mickey take care of each other.

Frank and Monica encouraged self-destruction in each other. Frank always had this fear when Monica would be on her meds. Almost like he was afraid that if she was stable she would realize the kind of man he is and leave for good. Of course, she’s still a grown woman with agency. She was in charge of her mental health and chose not to take care of it and let it run amok. But seeing how excited Frank got when she was acting “crazy” emboldened her further to not take her meds. Monica encouraged Frank’s drinking and drug use. In that speech he gave, Frank revealed that it was Monica that introduced him to hard drugs. The rest is history. She liked him getting high or drunk as she saw it as thrilling. Like Monica, Frank is an adult who had the ability to get sober. He never took it though. A lot of that stems from the “fun” he had with Monica.

The main difference is that Mickey and Ian want to be the best versions of each other. And they encouraged the other to do the same. When Ian was diagnosed with bipolar, Mickey was the most supportive and caring of his situation. Even when they went into married life, we see subtle signs that Mickey still makes sure that Ian is taking care of himself. There’s even a deleted scene where he checks in on Ian; asking if he was okay, noting that his husband was slipping into a depressive episode, made sure he was taking his medication. Unlike Frank, Mickey isn’t afraid of Ian having a stable footing. He wants that because he doesn’t want Ian to suffer. Ian can talk Mickey down like no one else can. With both the situation with Terry and Mickey’s anxiety about moving to the West Side, Ian offered emotional support. He listened to his husband, knew all the ways to calm Mickey. He doesn’t want Mickey to spiral and to instead stay afloat. Unlike Monica, Ian doesn’t encourage the destructive side of Mickey for his own fun. He wants the happy Mickey who feels comfortable with voicing his emotions.

Mickey and Ian have their problems. Every couple does. Sometimes, they don’t handle it the right way. But, when the storm passes, they take a breath and talk to one another. Making it clear they still love each other. They accept each other at their worst. They encourage each other at their best.

[xjulixred45x]

SatoSugu x Reader with past and Personalilty like Subaru Sakamaki

Genre: VERY LARGE Headcanons

Reader: female

Warnings: issues related to SEXUAL ABUSE, PSYCHOLOGICAL ABUSE AND ISOLATION (all to Reader's mother), mental problems, bad parenting, Reader's father, thanks to this reader has ANGER PROBLEMS and goes to the PSYCHOLOGIST, hurt with Comfort, Angst, Fluff . LONG POST.

You being born was a Curse itself. Thats what you thoug, thats what EVERYONE in your family thoug...thats what your own mother thoug. The woman that was suppose to love you more than anything, that would have to protect you...she despiste you.

O well, it was not always like that, you remeber growing up and heard the stories, how your mother was in her young, the "White rose" of all the clans, because she was the fairest of them all...she was beautifull. Was.

I mean, she was still frankly beautiful, even if she had to stay away from everyone to avoid killing everyone who crossed her path (or herself...), she still had a delicate and beautiful bearing, but you understood why they said she had "withered" or rather, you knew the cause.

YOU.

For started, your mother had a VERY bad temper even BEFORE all this happened, so when it DID happen, she went into a Big Bad downfall in her mentalhealth.

The moment you were born, your mother's already deplorable mind declined incredibly, becoming bipolar and unstable, violent and erratic, all because of YOUR fault.

You still remember that during your first years of life, it didn't use to be so bad, because you two could spend time together, especially at parties, where she would always keep you in sight.

But there was odd, horrible moments as well, where your mother lose all the control she have over herself and start screaming, crying,and she would say very, very hurtful things.

"You are an abomination."

I am dirty...

"GET AWAY FROM ME!!-"

"YOU--MONSTER!!!"

It took you a while to realize what was causing these erratic episodes in your mother, but once you did, it was very obvious.

YOUR FATHER.

your father had raped your mother to have you. for no particular reason other than to experiment with their ritual techniques.

It made you sick.

You started to justify your mother, because of course, she was obviously mean to you because she was only taking out her anger on someone (which happened to be you), and you ended up doing the same, you took out your anger on whoever made you the least bit angry.

It was the only form of all these emotions that you knew and that you had been "taught" after all.

and in a way you saw it as a kind of "bonding" with your mother.

and you thought that your mother also had disgust for him, hatred. and that's why you could empathize with her, love her even, as you two have the same loating for the same man.

But the realilty hit you like a truck...

When a certain party happens, you were still a little young, but you remember it vividly. You tried to protect your mother when your father came to see her, putting yourself between them.

and she slapped you... and left with him...

It was the last time you saw your mother outside. The next times would be inside a CAGE "tower" inside your clan's residence. You couldn't see her often though.

Her before "sometimes unestable but torerable behavior" went to "total bipolar and psicotic, Sucidal" behavior

You lost the count of all the times she instulted and degrade you just to pass to be a sobbing mess, begging you to leave her alone, then remember she hate being alone and then pleaded that you kill her.

You still got the knife even...

You also grew up in your own personal cage, but of repressed anger. No matter how much you tried to fight with your father or beg him to give you your mother back, he would just walk away with a smile on his face.

so you took out your anger in the only way you knew how, aggression. but eventually you realized that it wouldn't help you much.

You realised when you entered Jujustu Tech.

Thanks to your "family situation" the professor Yaga offer you(much like more that he make you) to go to Therapy. So your cursed energy would't be SO conflicted. And at the beggin, it was kind of funny.

Even though you went to therapy, you maintained a certain reputation as a "bad student" in many ways. You arrived late, your personalized uniform was torn and looked like that of a criminal, you kept your distance from your classmates (who were only 3), etc.

but your attempts to draw attention away from you ended up doing just the opposite.

More when you proved to be so hot-headed.

There they saw an opportunity for "possible connection" TO MEET WITH YOU.

Gojo was the first to make a move. He asked you for your name (since you hadn't even introduced yourself)

You REALLY didn't want to talk to him, but you said your name under your breath (progress?) and turned away from him.

Gojo was a little surprised by your grumpy attitude but didn't think much of it and started asking you questions (ignoring the fact that you barely answered half of them).

It took Geto longer to get closer, but he did when they had to do some work together and he realized that you're actually pretty good at SEVERAL subjects.

and in several of those subjects you were doing horrible academically.

He's not one to meddle in other people's lives, but he didn't want you to get in trouble for something you could CLEARLY do better.

so he took advantage of a break that you had in the classroom (which is strange because normally you just disappear and reappear to continue the class) and asked you if you were having any problem why you were doing so poorly in class (along with your other problems )

You just yelled at him to leave you alone and left the room, muttering something about how it was a bad idea to have made that contribution.

He ended up generating the opposite reaction to what he wanted.

Gojo makes fun of him a little, but as soon as he realized it was you, he had an idea.

From then on, both of them would be constantly behind you.

not in a creppy way, but in a "do your best!" way.

They would be constantly trying to encourage you to socialize, contribute more to assignments, improve your attendance, things like that.

Sure, from time to time they made fun of your angry nature, but as soon as they touched on a sensitive topic they didn't do it again.

Gojo was the one who took advantage of your anger the most, he couldn't help it! It's so funny for him to see you all sulking over something so small.

Geto found it somewhat funny, yes, although more in the sense that he saw you like a kitten, all fluffy, all angry, so cute~

They were also able to see beyond the "delinquent" layer that you had, you turned out to be someone more sensitive and sweet than they expected.

When you finally relaxed and allowed yourself to laugh with them (or at them), Suguru and Satoru could SWEAR that you were glowing with uncharacteristic joy, and one they couldn't get enough of.

although of course, you could have perfectly put out an eye of either of them. They realized very quickly when they touched on sensitive topics.

Like one time you swore a lot during a practice fight with Satoru, and he said "do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" and...GOD, you almost knocked him out and he almost left you because he was so shocked.

Suguru understood faster than Satoru that something about that conversation made you very angry, which pointed to your mother. so for now they decided not to bring it up unless you did.

On another occasion, while in Second Year, a first-year boy wanted to give you a congratulations gift for moving up a grade. What was it? WHITE ROSES.

You practically ripped the bouquet out of his hands, twisted it in every possible way (even if you hurt your hands), you turned them aside and stepped on them, but not before yelling that you HATED ROSES.

The boy was scared more than anything, which made you react and realize that you had made a horrible mistake to someone who was just being nice.

You apologized quickly and went to do what you knew how (get out your anger), but you only broke things, over and over again while you replayed everything in your head.

She was right about you.

She was right.

You're disgusting

you are STAINED

YOU ARE A MONST---

Satoru and Suguru had no problem reaching you, thanks to Gojo's 6 eyes and Geto's curses. What they DID have problems with was calming you down. Were you in some kind of rage episode...or panic? They didn't know how to say, just that you weren't well.

Gojo knew that you were angry and that you were going to therapy for it, but he didn't think it was THAT serious, he tried to keep a certain distance so as not to upset you more and Geto talked to distract you and calm you down slowly.

Little by little you became tired, both because of having broken so many things about the place where you were and the mental fatigue, along with the words of the two of them, helped you to calm down faster.

they didn't say anything or ask anything, it wasn't their place, you appreciated that, aside, even if you said it at the time, it wasn't a justification for acting like a jerk.

Eventually that year ended and summer arrived, it was by far the summer that you were least at home, you were no longer clinging to the idea of your mother or your hatred for your father, now you could...be a normal teenager.

They did more normal teenage things.

you went riding a bike, you went to watch basketball games, you went to the movies together, you practiced your techniques, you did stupid things...

It was the most at peace you had felt in a long time, being able to spend time with someone without any double meaning felt new.

so you decided at the end of the summer to tell them about your family.

You left a private meeting point, making it clear what you wanted to do, so that they understood how serious it was for you. and they did not give up.

They were unusually punctual. and they listened to everything you had to say, confirmed several things they had in mind, and were surprised by others.

although they undoubtedly felt empathy for you. Now MANY THINGS made sense. your attitude, your family, everything.

They really appreciated that you were THAT vulnerable with them specifically. and they kept your secret very well.

(I don't think they interacted with your father, but if they did in the past, if they saw that you didn't like him, they acted in a similar way, now it's the same thing, but ten times worse (:<)

In third year you were better than you had been in years honestly, sure, you were still hot-headed and impulsive, but you had made great progress with therapy and the support of your friends.

Speaking of, if your relationship with them becomes something more intimate, I think they would both be HELLBENT of you went to live or in the school dormitories or even one of their houses, simply the idea of you sleeping in the same house that your father gives them chills now.

They want to know your mother although they are afraid to say it, they have very mixed opinions of her, on the one hand they see her as another victim of your father who must receive psychological treatment....but on the other hand they cannot forgive that she has generated a large part of your self-esteem problems with his horrible words.

Ironically it's Suguru who has the hardest time controlling himself around your mother, for a man whose family is EVERYTHING, the mere idea that your own mother has damaged your mind so much...yeah, it's definitely not something simple.

I mean, Satoru has little filter, but he sees your mother much more like you, so it's not that difficult for him to endure an outburst from her.

If your father dies (bless God) and your mother starts to recover mentally, I can even see Gojo getting along with her, it makes her laugh. even Geto can take it more and see genuine regret for her treatment of you. so he forgives her more easily.

Even when they graduate, things keep getting better! They celebrate with you when you are discharged from therapy by going to eat at your favorite place, also taking the children (Megumi, Tsumiki, Mimiko and Nanako) and generally having a good time together.

If by chance your father is still alive, they are definitely burning all the letters or emails that come from him :)

a lot of👏flattery👏in itself they are flattering with a normal s/o, but knowing how poorly you think of yourself? NO SIR, NOT ON THEIR WATCH.

Gojo further shows his support by giving you some expensive gifts that he knows you'll like (which shows that he's been listening and paying attention to you), apart from him being very clingy, but since you're not that used to that, it honestly breaks his heart, so He tries to fix it little by little.

First small things like holding hands, then holding onto his arm, his arm and your waist, etc.

He still likes to make you angry, but the ones like "awww you look so cute when you're irritated" are better than making you really angry.

Geto is chillier, and his love language is based more on acts of service and words of affirmation, he knows how bad a bad emotional experience can leave you (and in your case it persisted until your adolescence) so he tries to Overcome all those LIES bad ideas in your head and replace them with good things.

He helps you with the housework and is the one you go on missions with the most (Satoru is almost always busy) so he tries to protect you as much as he can, even if he knows you don't need it, he thinks it's good that you know that NOW if you have someone to take care of you.

surprise surprise, their main nickname for you is Kitty. according to them the perfect nickname.

"It's soft, fluffy, it looks like it's going to kill you (and it could) but it's a cutie!" -Gojo, probably.

I can see them being more emotionally vulnerable with you, especially if you have had your episodes of suicidal tendencies, they make sure to let you know that they love you through small gestures, more obvious gestures, establishing limits, everything so that the relationship is healthy and you can tell them what you happens.

(You can be sure that they themselves destroyed the knife that your mother gave you, the mere idea that you had it was terrifying)

both of them have definitely given you anti-stress dolls that 1-or have helped you a lot or 2- have ended up shattered by your first outburst of anger. but you always tried to sew it up so as not to ruin it.

Gojo offered a couple of times to train with you and take out your frustrations with it, but it really didn't feel very good to continue using violence as a source of comfort (more so against either of them). so they started looking for hobbies together.

You sleep a lot, too much, maybe it's a product of all the repeated mental fatigue, but at least thanks to this Geto always makes sure to have extra blankets within reach.

He's a little worried, yes, but at the same time he can't deny that it's relaxing in a way to take a nap with you and see you so calm and at peace.

When Gojo joins, it become's a Cuddle Puddle™

As long as it doesn't harm your health, they tolerate it, they themselves don't sleep much, so they are happy that you have better habits than them)

(Since Geto is not corrupted here, his parents are alive) Geto's parents practically adore you. and when you visited them for the first time and they treated you so familiarly and lovingly, you cried.

You like the Gojo Clan, they spoil you a lot, they aren't as affectionate, but they are definitely MUCH friendlier than your paternal family.

The higher-ups tolerate you, they know they shouldn't mess with you, although I definitely think they would take some action against your mother/father.

Honestly there's not much to do anymore.

There are times when you have to end up just like your mother, that one day you will lose yourself and end up like her... it terrifies you. On those types of days they both wrap you in a blanket (like sushi), make your favorite food and generally let you do whatever you want to do (watch movies, talk, play something, etc.).

It is worth knowing that they are there.

Although of course, if your concern arises more from someone (or more specifically, YOUR FATHER) doing something to you that leaves you in that state, they will do the same, only they will hold your face and tell you directly, looking into your eyes , that they would NEVER, EVER, let something like this happen to you as long as they live, EVER.

which is quite surprising, seeing them this serious and even somewhat...off guard, they never thought about that possibility until you brought it to the table.

but in any case it only validates his points about certain things.

(Is it still too late to annihilate your father?)

In general, they are more understanding of you because of your turbulent background but also more patient and willing to be vulnerable to show that they are serious about you. who love you

and above all, they will help you face demons both from the outside world and from the inside.

Thank you for reading ❤️

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).

[batmanfruitloops]

Finally finished Harley's backstory!

Also, please let me know if I need more trigger warning tags, I'm not sure I covered them all, but I'm drawing a blank,

Harleen couldn't remember a time when her parents had gotten along, nor was she old enough to remember when they divorced, but she did remember how different living with each of them was, and that she much preferred the time with her father.

Her mother treated Harleen well enough, but she was almost always out of the house partying or gambling, leaving Harleen to take care of herself if she was unable to on a given day. She woke herself up for school, made herself food, and sometimes if she was lucky, her mother wasn't too hungover to spend a little time with her.

Her father, on the other hand, treated Harleen like his most precious treasure, taking her out to the circus whenever he could and buying her ice cream after picking her up from school. He had Bipolar (I'm not too sure which one, I need to do more research) and depression for a long time, but he did his best not to let it affect Harleen. From about middle school, Harleen started to show similar traits as her father, as well as being tested for narcissism, but her father knew how to help, so Harleen was able to keep them in check.

It wasn't until his own health started to drastically decline when Harleen was graduating high school that things got hard. She had already balanced having a job with her schoolwork, but found herself looking for a better paying job, as her father could no longer work as well to help with rent. She managed all that while still preparing to get a degree to go in therapy, but it was starting to affect her. Worse, her father's attitude towards her started to change. Not only was he extremely depressed all the time, he would have bouts of extreme aggression or hysteria before becoming despondent, judgemental, and intensely suicidal. Harleen was terrified, especially since she couldn't stay home with him all the time. Not if she wanted to keep her job and finish her degree.

She took him to a lot of doctors to see if they could help, but their answers all lead to an unknown form of disease that seemed to latch unto the brain and affect pre-existing health issues. This devastated Harley, and she was honestly terrified too. The doctors had warned that it tended to run in the family, so there was a high chance this would happen to her too.

It was all too much, her brain was swimming, practically drowning her thought after thought, and she could hardly tread on. She continued to work, albeit her coworkers noticed the shift. She had exams coming up, ones that would determine if she got her degree or not, but she'd barely been able to study and so…she cheated. She'd never done so in her life. It hurt her pride, and her father would be so disappointed, but he didn't have to know. It was all for him anyway,

Harleen passed, and she was lucky to get a job as a Blackgate therapist. Her schedule made it possible to watch her father most of the time, and this eased her mind, although her father's treatment kept her morale low. After a few years, she was offered a new therapist position at Arkham that was better paying for less hours, and she gladly accepted.

This is where she became John's (Jokers) therapist. They shared an interest in circus’, but there wasn't much else they agreed on. Harleen was also very drained by her father at this point, and had taken a lot of what he said to heart, so despite not agreeing with everything she said, Harleen still repeated harsh, personal things to John. Something about his genuine, fragile nature bothered her. And much in the same way, Harleen reminded John of his mother in the worst aspects.

On one particularly exhausting day, Harleen found her father had hung himself while she was at work. Her heart sank. She almost didn't believe it, but it really was him. She barely allowed herself to mourn and continued to work, finding herself lashing out at John even more. She lost it, starting to beat him as he helplessly buckled.

Now Strange didn't usually care if his patients were treated poorly, he often engaged such behavior himself, but some higher ups were visiting to access the Asylum because of Attorney Dent and Mr. Wayne's concerns. So when they witnessed Harleen beating John, she had to be fired.

At this point, Harleen feels she has nothing left, and after a bout of depression she goes back out as Harley Quinn, tired of trying to fight all the emotions and pain tangled up inside her.

- Sarsee

[antiradqueer]

hi. this is probably going to be a long ask, but i don’t do discourse on my public blog and i want this to be somewhere relevant and visible

i am an autistic bipolar trans man with scizophrenia symptoms. i have had, and still struggle with: very unpleasant intrusive thoughts that are sexual or violent, maladaptive daydreams, delusions, and pathological lying. i’ve encountered transid identities before, but i didn’t know about the radqueer “community.” i also want to add that i’m a psychology student and aim to be non-judgmental under any circumstances relating to mental health.

it seems to me like a lot of people who identify as radqueer are just kids or young adults who are still learning about themselves, their identities and their mental health

i’ve read a lot of posts from transtrauma folks, and my initial impression is that a lot of them are attention starved and need validation in their outside lives, or have minor or complex traumas that they don’t realise are valid due to them not being one recognised traumatic event. you don’t need to have gone through something completely life-ruining to deserve sympathy, nor do you need to be mentally ill.

the same applies to transabled identities as well - i know from my own experience as a person with a chronic illness that affects my physical ability, but i don’t identify as physically disabled - that the disabled and cripplepunk communities are full of love and acceptance, and it seems like a lot of radqueers are seeking that same acceptance.

i saw a coining post for the term “transvegan” - one who wants to be vegan, identifies as vegan, but isn’t vegan right now due to life circumstances. and the way i see it is that these people have discovered queer identities as a way to label themselves, eg “i feel this way because i am lesbian”, and as a result have chosen to label all their personality traits as queer identities. you don’t have to call yourself transvegan! you can say “i’m not vegan right now because that’s not feasible for me but i agree with their ideas and advocacy,” and that’s okay. most decent vegans will respect you for that anyways.

before i knew about my bipolar disorder, i thought i might be a system - so guess what, i tried it out for a few days, using tools like pluralkit and a system tracker. it turned out that it wasn’t an experience i shared, but that was okay. at the time, i did want to be a system as that would help me understand why i was the way i was - but after i realised i wasn’t, i kept going and eventually got my bipolar diagnosis that has brought me a lot of comfort.

i relate to the feeling of wanting to have a severe, labelable trauma as well. i was desperate for a reason why i was struggling and mentally ill even though nothing “big” and “horrible” had happened to me.

transracial identities seem to stem from a similar thing imo - i love japanese folklore and history, and actively do research into it in my free time. i enjoy hearing accounts from japanese people about their personal experiences with their mythology, and while i don’t want to live in japan, i think other people like me might. if the radqueer community had existed when i was a young teenager, i might even have identified as transjapanese. however, it seems to me like trace identities stem from misattributing an interest (and again, a specific desire for respect and inclusion from those with a culture they’re interested in) to wanting to be their specific race.

i identify as asexual, and don’t relate to any feelings of attraction, nevermind paraphilias, but i do have intrusive thoughts, and dealing with that has taught me the attitude that your thoughts are not your fault. i love and respect people with paraphilias, even the “weird” ones, but the important part is understanding that if your actions due to your attraction could harm others, like children and animals, it’s your responsibility not to act on those thoughts. whether you want to seek therapy and try and stop having them is a personal choice and up to you, but you cannot refuse the responsibility not to harm others.

if you want to think or write about societally unacceptable scenarios such as grooming or rape, you can - thoughtcrime isn’t real and censorship is a slippery slope - and if the point of your work is not to condone or encourage that kind of thing, and you are clear and do not make people read it if they don’t want to, it does no harm.

unfortunately, that ties in to the other part of the radqueer community who have harmful opinions, like ableism, racism, and pedophila, who simply use the guise of “queerness” to try and get away with it. at its core, queerness is about playing with gender norms and identity, and how you are perceived by society; not “having sex with someone you aren’t “supposed” to be having sex with,” or “having views not agreed with by current society.”

animals and children cannot consent. period. it is not about knowing what sex is, it is about understanding the meaning and gravity of what you are doing, and to take advantage of someone or something that doesn’t is inherently violating. if you think any actions that cause harm to others, sexually or violently, are normal or justifiable then you are not a good person. you are not respectable.

i can’t speak on racism in the radqueer circle and the concept of winterqueer because i don’t know enough, but i can tell you now that the queer and punk communities do not accept racism, and that it goes against the core of who we are. you are not and will not be part of us.

i also think there’s something to be said about how transid views trans people as not truly what they are. if i fully physically transitioned, i wouldn’t stop being transgender, but it feels like a lot of transid identities are only defined by the wanting of, not the being. a trans man is not a woman who wants to be a man. he is a man who at some point used to be viewed as female, and no longer feels that way.

(not adressing anyone on this blog, just things i have seen) i think my point was that the argument of “these people will never be accepted by society” does more harm than it does good - i don’t think their beliefs are normal or will be accepted, but by arguing that the people themselves will never be accepted when they are in the community in the first place because they want to be respected and seen only serves to push them back into the circle of people who genuinely desire harm.

on a similar note, harrasment and death threats on either side are also horrible. you are not helping, you are not getting one up on them, you are just hurting people, and wasn’t the entire point of being anti-radqueer trying to prevent people hurting others?

idk. this was long and rambling, but it’s just. you can want things that are unachievable but you’ve gotta come to terms with the fact they’re unachievable. there’s a difference between “fiction is not reality” (true) and “fiction does not affect reality” (provably false). radqueerism is not as progressive as it claims to be. and there are a lot of people out there who refuse to grow or learn.

.

[dyrewrites]

I have eyes on the inside of my skull

Let me explain.

I grew up dealing with too many emotions, ones I was told I could not be having, or to stop having because I was "over-reacting" or "too sensitive". Sometimes the problem was that I did not react at all, which was worse somehow. I also had a parent that did the same thing but amped up to eleven and was able to watch how people reacted to an adult doing what I, as a child, was already being scolded for doing.

This made me think I needed to figure this shit out before I became an adult, so that I wouldn't be treated that way.

So I started to monitor my emotions from a very early age.

And, despite the fact that absolutely no child should ever have to deal with any of that ever, it actually became a useful tool for me.

As I am bipolar, which no one knew until I was well into my teens (and really even then they didn't call it that). And I have learned (the very hard way) that medication is not enough to keep my moods stable.

But monitoring my emotions? Knowing that I'm especially tired because I am depressed, or that I am unable to focus and "buzzing" because I am manic is very useful! I can't always do anything about it, but it's nice to know what's causing it and be able to tell that voice that is always yelling about how I'm not being productive and not doing enough and am a lazy piece of shit...that no, actually, I am dealing with an episode right now and that is a reason, not an excuse.

Problem is...I forget that other people don't do this. That it's not this ingrained. So when someone tells me they're tired, so tired they're falling asleep, and they don't know why and they feel lazy. Even after they've given me a week of updates on all the things they've had to deal with in their life (big, life-changing things), I get confused.

And I want to say, "What do you mean you don't know? Look at all these things you've been through. How do you not see that you're overwhelmed and stressed and probably, definitely, depressed. Just be tired. It's okay to be tired. You earned it."

I share this with you guys for two reasons;

One, I had to get it out somewhere and why not here.

Two, I might give random bits of advice to you that make me sound like a know-it-all and I need you to know that I'm not and I don't mean to sound rude or self-important. I'm just very used to reading moods and forget that not everyone this trauma-conditioned coping mechanism.

[sevcasejay1chicago]

Life Preserve -Jay Halstead

Summary: When your dad comes through town, but doesn’t say a word, Jay helps a hurt y/n through her emotions.

Mentions: Kelly Severide, Matt Casey

Warning: Language, crappy parents, anxiety, alcohol mentioned.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Nobody knew how much parents sucked more than your three best friends: Matt Casey, Kelly Severide, and Jay Halstead. The things your parents did was trivial in comparison to their parents, but it still hurt all the same. For me, it’s all about how my mom is bipolar and my dad could care less about you or any of his children, but the boys know it hurts.

One day after shift, I left the district with Jay to meet Kelly and Matt at Molly’s. Jay was dragging me out, convinced that I needed to get out of the apartment since I found out my dad had stopped in town and didn’t even bother telling me. It hurt, especially after all the pain that he put me through as a child, not to mention the pain his wife caused me. Jay picked up on my shift in mood when we were out following a lead and finally got it out of me. Unfortunately for Jay, I was in a bit of a hostile mood now.

“Come on Jay.” I whined. “I’m tired, I’m hungry, and I wanna get out of this outfit and into my bed. Just drop me off and go meet the guys.” I tried pulling away from him, but he had his signature smirk on and an arm around my shoulders.

“No can do Y/L/N.” Jay sang. “My truck. I decide where we go.” He flipped the keys in his hands and dangled them in front of us.

“Fine. I’ll walk.” I said, slipping out from under his arm when he almost dropped his keys and started to walk toward the front desk.

“Oh come on.” Jay sighed, reaching for my hand and tugging me back. “Don’t do that. Just one drink and then one of us will take you home.” Jay pled, turning his puppy dog eyes on me. “Promise.”

I thought for a minute. I didn’t want to hear Jay bitch for the next week, nor did I feel like having company over. Knowing them, the boys would go buy beer and just come crash on Jay and I’s couch for the night if I said no. “Fine.” I muttered, yanking my hand away and crossing my arms. “One drink. That’s it.” I watched the smirk spread across his face once more, taking none of his boyish features away, before turning and following Jay to his truck.

—————————————

The drive to Molly’s was short. Jay knew I was still in a mood, so he stayed silent and left the Bluetooth to me for the short ride. Jay didn’t complain once about my music choices, letting me listen to whatever songs I wanted to.

Once we got to Molly’s, I practically charged straight for Stella, grabbing the fireball from her hand and a shot glass from the counter and throwing two back before taking my usual from her. Stella didn’t even bother to ask, nor did any of the other bartenders. This wasn’t normal for me, but the fire in my eyes told them to back off. I spotted Matt and Kelly in a corner booth in the back and headed toward them, leaving Jay to talk to Stella and order for himself.

“Feeling alright Y/L/N?” Kelly questioned as I sat across from him, next to Matt. The boys saw the whole thing go down and just sat and watched. They knew better than to get in my way.

“I’m fine Severide.” I bit back, taking a long pull of my drink.

Matt scooted over to give me more room as Kelly leaned back and put his hands up in surrender. Jay came up to the table and sat across from me, handing Kelly another beer as he sat down.

“She’s in a mood.” Jay casually announced, tipping his beer bottle toward me briefly before taking a swig.

“Told you I wanted to go home Halstead.” I grumbled, leaning back and crossing my arms.

“Yet here you are.” Matt commented, shifting sideways to look at me, studying my body language.

“Yet here I am.” I sighed, taking another sip of my drink. “This is my one and done. Jay promised.” I said, tipping my chin in his direction.

“Guilty.” Jay nodded, leaning back in his seat.

“What’s going on?” Matt asked, still studying my face. I hated how well these boys knew me, but then again, I was never this hostile.

“Nothin.” I grumbled, avoiding eye contact, looking around the crowded bar.

“Bullshit.” Kelly said, looking to Jay now. “Spill.”

“Her dad happened.” Jay sighed before taking another sip of his beer.

“That’ll do it.” Matt nodded, turning forward to face Kelly and Jay. He knew this would push you over the edge, but he was trying to play it cool, hoping to dial your anger back some.

“Well, the asshole decided to come into town with his wife, see all of our family but me, and waltz right back out. I fucking exist, don’t I?!” I finally exploded, putting down my drink before I threw the glass. I was almost done with it, but I wasn’t going to cause that big of a scene over my emotions.

“That sucks man.” Kelly replied, rubbing the back of his neck. “Parents suck.”

“Right?!” I all but shout, nodding my head in his direction. “I mean, I’m his oldest. I’m the one that’s done everything for this family, despite them. Yet, I’m only here as a convenience. Never as a choice.” I muttered, downing the remainder of my drink and nodding a thanks to Herrman who wordlessly put down another and walked away.

Matt blew out a breath and shook his head. “You deserve better than that.” He muttered, taking a sip of his own drink. He knew what I was feeling. His mother has been doing the same thing to him for years.

Angry tears pricked my eyes at Matt’s words. “I’m sorry I’m so pissed. Nothing compared to any of your parents.” I muttered, shaking my head and downing half of my fresh drink. I put the glass down and started to stand. “Sorry to ruin your night. I gotta get out of here.” I said, clearing my throat and offering a shaky smile. I placed a $20 down on the table and walked out before any of them could get a word in edge wise.

Walking out the side door, I hurriedly sidestepped into the alley, crouching down and covering my mouth to try and stop the sobs that wanted to escape. I heard the door open and foot steps before Jay came into view, calling out to let Matt and Kelly know he found me.

“Oh Y/N.” Jay whispered, crouching down next to me and placing a hand on my arm.

“We should get her home.” Matt sighed, turning to Kelly and watching you out of the corner of his eye.

“Come on sweetheart. Let’s go.” Jay whispered, clutching my hand in his and pulling me up. I fell straight into his arms, sobbing loudly as he pulled me into a tight embrace. Matt and Kelly crowded in, creating a small group hug.

Kelly and Matt eventually pulled back, watching as Jay held me for a few seconds longer. Then, they followed Jay and I to his truck, both giving me a kiss on the cheek before they shut the door. The men exchanged a few words before Jay climbed into the driver’s seat and flipped the ignition.

“They offered to come by later if you want.” Jay said, pulling the truck out of its parking spot and driving toward our apartment. “But I’m staying with you for a while. I don’t want you to be alone, even in our own apartment. That’s non-negotiable.” Jay said, reaching over and taking my hand.

I let him take it, turning my face toward the window and covering my mouth again. I was all but having to force the sobs to stay at bay. I just needed to get home and to my room, then I could break down.

By the time we got to our apartment, I was basically shaking from the effort of holding my emotions at bay. The three flights of stairs did me no good when it came to controlling my breaths, so I practically slid down the wall in our entry way as soon as I stepped inside.

Jay turned to see me sliding, having turned his back long enough to lock the door. He was quick to move to my side, examining me with concerned eyes. “Hey. Y/N. Look at me.” Jay called. “Look right here. What’s goin on?” Jay asked, crouching down to meet my eyes. He didn’t dare touch me, but he noted the shaking and my quick breaths.

I shook my head, looking into his eyes with a wild look of my own. “Why?” I exhaled, clenching my teeth together and trying to stop the tears.

“Why what sweetheart?” Jay asked, “can I touch you?” When I nodded yes, Jay sat down in front of me and took one of my hands. “What do you mean?”

“Why aren’t I enough or good enough?” I asked, shaking my head and leaning it against the wall, loud sobs echoing through the apartment.

“You are.” Jay urged. “Take a breath. It’s alright. I’m right here.” Jay encouraged, rubbing his hands along my arms to warm me up. “In and out.” He coached, remembering what his brother used to do for him as a kid.

After a while, I regained my breathing, though I was still crying. Jay knew this was probably not just the pain, but now the alcohol talking, so he stood, pulling me up with him. To confirm his suspicions, I stumbled straight into my partner and roommate, face planting into his chest and sobbed louder. Jay pulled me to the couch and sat down, pulling me down on top of him.

“I’m so sorry.” I wailed, hiding my face in Jay’s chest. I had a tight hold on his shirt. He had me cradled in his arms, laying back on the couch and letting me feel my feelings.

“Sh Sh Sh. It’s alright Y/N.” Jay hummed, supporting the back of my head and rubbing my legs with the other hand. “It’s okay. Your not alone.” Jay soothed, continuing to shush me and sooth me as I wailed into his chest.

“I can’t do this anymore.” I whispered after a while, once I calmed down.

Jay perked up at this, pulling away slightly to look at my face. “What do you mean?” Jay whispered, almost like he was afraid to ask. He has heard that line many times and it never turns out good.

I shook my head, sighing before settling again. “Keep lettin him get to me like this.” I breathed, fiddling with Jay’s necklace. “I mean look at me. Crying and being pathetic in my partner’s lap over a dad that was only there when he had to be or when it was convenient for him.” I scoffed, scrubbing at my face.

“Your right.” Jay started. “You can’t keep letting him do this to you. You gotta want to be okay though.” Jay sighed, thinking of his next words carefully. “I’d sit here and hold you forever. Don’t you ever worry about that, but I do hate seeing you this way.” Jay said, kissing the top of your head. “I’ve always got your back.”

I sighed, nodding. “I know. But-“

“But nothing.” Jay interrupted. “No matter what. Whether personal or work related, I’m always here.” Jay emphasized. “I’m right here.”

I chuckled, hugging Jay and snuggling further into him. He tightened his arms around me more. “Thank you.” I breathed. “I never really thought about how much I needed you until now. Not even when I asked you to move in after Erin.” I murmured.

Jay’s breath hitched at the confession before he moved a hand to my chin, tilting my head back slightly to look at him. “I’ve always needed you.” He said sincerely, eyes bright with emotion. “Even when I was with Erin. I mean, we were toxic for each other, no matter how much I loved her, but you never let me drown. You always kept me level when my relationship tried to pull me down.”

I blinked at him, having to focus on the confession. “Well. I wouldn’t ever let you drown, Jay. Just like you don’t let me drown.” I muttered. “Your my life preserve.”

Jay smiled, leaning in and whispering “And your mine.” Before kissing me deeply, giving me all I ever wanted.

[constantineshots]

these were some of the tags on the post where john was commenting on if facing demons was because he being self-destructive or if he was being enraged. i say both, and very much do agree with the tags, but i'm putting what i have to say on it under the cut because it's going to be a lot. trigger warnings for abuse, mentions of death/animal deaths, depression, etc. also a bit of rambling. this also somehow turned into psychoanalyzing. oopsie.

naturally, john and i have vastly different experiences regarding life, but i think there's a connect that helps me see things through his lens a lot more clearly, especially when it comes to the psychological.

just a bit of recap on my life i guess, but i'll just say "i got abused" and we'll move on from there. i can connect, in sum.

while john has newcastle and the deaths of friends under his belt, the abuse of his father, the blame of the death of his mother ( though i can't remember if he knew about his twin or not, but i don't think he did ), the magic, the killing animals, the killing of that one man all weighing on his shoulders and then much, much more, the trauma left behind was something i could easily connect with because of the depression, the self-destruction, the instances where even he himself is debating on suicide and alludes to it consistently, while also doing things to save his own ass but also that could very easily kill him. it's conflicting.

for me, i was angry and self-destructive because i felt like the world hated me. i'm sure if there was some form of power that i thought could help make me feel more powerful and i had less of an obligation to my siblings of whom faced the same treatment, i would have taken it and ran with it, too.

but there are things you start to do. you learn to lie to keep yourself out of trouble, give the people hurting you the truths they want to hear and it's something you learn to do in every day life. you'd say something that fed into what they wanted to be the truth and get the same abuse anyway, except the arguments wouldn't be as long and you'd get out of the situation faster. it's a bit of a morbid way to look at it, but while people tell you to "fight back", it's not that easy. i think it's why i connect to john so much- he didn't necessarily fight back against his dad from what we could tell until he eventually did the spell to keep his dad sick. and people will constantly say "i'd just fight back", or "i wouldn't have let that happen to me when i was a kid" and that ends up enforced in some medias that people write.

john does a lot of running and ducking his head and getting other people wrapped up in his shit. it's a path of destruction because he doesn't realize, at first, that it's going to be as big of a shit show as he thinks. for example, with ritchie, when ritchie says "oh i can handle it no worries john it's my expertise" etc. and john trusts it- he needs something done, and someone's willing to do it. but then ritchie ends up another person hurt or dead in what he thinks is his own fault.

you get told the same thing so many times throughout your life that you eventually start to believe it. sometimes, things just fuck up. you get called killer all your life, it only takes so long before you think that, well, maybe you're the curse. maybe you're all the bad shit that everyone says you are.

i do want to note that john does have dissociative episodes, especially in the newer run of hellblazer and he straight up says that. however, as someone who's taken so many psychology classes that i probably could have gotten a degree in it had my university provided the program, that doesn't necessarily mean a disorder, but it does usually fall under ptsd, depression, anxiety disorders, bipolar disorders, borderline personality disorders, schizophrenia, and other disorders. most disorders fall under these categories, though.

i have c-ptsd, depression, anxiety, and probably a lot of other mental disorders not explored because of past traumas that i could probably connect to his self destructive nature, but john has also probably only seen the therapists in ravenscar that proceeded to give him electro shock therapy while everyone else who had the nerve decided to beat the fuck out of him because they thought he killed astra. so more trauma tacked on to john's little plethora of already traumatic memories.

to be technical, there is a difference between c-ptsd and ptsd. with c-ptsd, the symptoms tend to begin six months or more after the initial traumatic event. *cracks knuckles* there is also a difference in symptoms, though they aren't necessarily exclusive to one or the other. c-ptsd tends to also be a result of ongoing, repeated emotional traumas, and on top of that, holds the trauma of ptsd, and then more. to clarify, ptsd usually has symptoms of dissociative episodes, flashbacks, dreams and nightmares related to trauma, commonly taking part in self-destructive behaviors, etc. to tack onto c-ptsd's symptoms, there is the constant feeling of guilt, constant hate towards yourself, consistently believing the world is bad in general, etc. i also want to focus on the fact that c-ptsd usually stems from childhood abuse, which is why i personally think john has c-ptsd, and then it just got worse from there. but you can have both! that's possible. so. i mean. well. call it like it is, john's probably got both.

anyways, moving on! borderline personality disorder, or bpd, kind of changes somewhat person to person, but overall, i think that the symptoms can fit john, in some cases. i pulled up a list just to be a little more clear and concise, but there is "an intense fear of abandonment, even going to extreme measures to avoid real or imagined separation or rejection" and i would really like to point out that, most of the time, john likes to say things like "i'm not good for you" or "i walk this path alone" or. you know, things along that line. for the most part, he pushes people away before they can get close. "a pattern of unstable intense relationships" and i would like to use chas as an example, which i know people would hate, but there are quite a few moments throughout hellblazer where chas will literally tell john that he hates him or shove his face in a toilet and tell him that's where he belongs.... and john doesn't walk away, he just lets chas walk away and come back because. well. why not? he thinks he deserves it half the time. but also, most of john's relationships aren't exactly stable. half the time, his niece and sister don't want to see him, the other half are his relationships that end fairly quickly, and others are just. john being john. "...seeing yourself as bad or as if you don't exist at all." "impulsive and risky behavior, such as gambling, reckless driving, unsafe sex, spending sprees, binge eating or drug abuse, or sabotaging success" the guy smokes after having of had lung cancer. what more do you want for an example. he also consistently does magic even though it's fucked over his life multiple times. again and again and again and he knows that it's fucking him over. unsafe sex can also be debated- in the newer version of hellblazer, he has an illegitimate son named noah that he didn't know existed, for example. and that's where i'll leave that. though in some cases, it can be argued as symptoms of ptsd, though it's possible he could have bpd.

this is going to be the last one, and i am not a doctor or anything but i think that it's possible he could have schizophrenia, or simply hallucinations as a result of any of the other disorders on here, which is sometimes possible but not exactly always common. based on john being an unreliable narrator, there is the suggestion that the ghosts that plague john constantly are not actually there, and that they might just be hallucinations. there are other symptoms of schizophrenia, but i've mostly covered them above. visual hallucinations also include people who are typically loved ones and friends who are no longer alive, i would like to add, but again, they could actually be ghosts, though it's somewhat possible that they're not. in the case that the ghosts are not real....

ANYWAYS. feel free to add more. i did it quick, but. there is this....

[bengiyo]

Shadow Ep 6 Stray Thoughts

Last time, we delved deeper on Trin's history, and Nai's sight tells us that Trin may be haunting Joe. We learned that Trin was unanimously voted the school class president, and spent much of his energy protesting the poor conditions for students at the school. He had bipolar disorder, and hated how his medicine made him feel different. He loves acting and fell for his drama teacher, who politely rejected his feelings even if he feels sad about everything. Trin reached out to Nai when the bullying started, exiting the same anonymity of their message boards. He also apparently started managing his symptoms with weed before his death. Lastly, Anan and Teacher Yada are fucking and likely contributed to Trin's death.

Episode 6: Fun House

We should let Fluke wear flower crowns more often.

I hate bullying. Why do they focus on Dan and Nai exclusively? Why was Josh exempted from this? I don't want Josh to suffer, but I wish I knew what gave him immunity.

We may be in a murder mystery about a fellow queer, but that won't stop us from feeling jealous that our crush might be straight.

I'm curious about Dan having a book on cubism.

Was Josh Trin's connect for weed?

Ah, he wanted to ask Dan about Cha-aim. Dan is not your problem, bro!

Oh ho! Bancha is the dealer and has a mysterious colleague. Assemble the party. At dawn, we plan.

Why doesn't Nai have a roommate? It's probably for the best, but still. I do enjoy that Josh isn't uncomfortable with Nai.

These boys went to sleep in their outside clothes smelling like weed. Uncouth.

I grow ever more concerned about the sexual component of this Shadow each episode. Also what the hell are these scratches??

I'm with Cha-aim. Don't tear down your friend to pursue a romance. It's unsexy.

YADA HAS A HUSBAND 🤢

AND SHE'S PREGNANT??

This tension with Cha-aim is awkward.

This woman is really relying on the long term devotion of her teenage student to the baby she's carrying. I am DISGUSTED.

Oh ho! Nai has blackmail now.

Ah, Josh wasn't spared.

Welp, Dan is starting to see things while awake. This can't possibly be good.

Why does Trin want Dan in the Funhouse?

I like the transition that took Anan to the Funhouse.

Who are these other two boys screaming in the mirror?

Oh my. Anan also saw Trin.

This has been super intriguing, and I actually think this release schedule makes a lot of sense. I think this could have gotten tedious if we had only gotten here after 6 weeks. That Yada, though. I hate her.

[forkaround]

I have stopped watching DFF for about 2 episodes and here's why:

Non has some sort of mental illness. That we can all agree. AFAIK the show itself has not confirmed the MI he has, it's all be guessed by fans from the meds he takes. Now these meds can't be just a coincidence. Sammon is a doctor after all. She would know. So we can reliably say the meds are intentional and that leaves us with three diagnosis: MDD, Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. Afaik the exact illness has not been confirmed. And the thing is - I've taken this medication.

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder with psychotic features when I was 19/20. So when I say I know what that is like, Ich been knew.

Before I get to my main point I would like to take a second to talk about The Eclipse. Akk and Ayan both were on medication for Depression but during the entire run of the show they never used the word 'depression' in the English sub at least. Instead what they said was 'depressive disorder'. Depression is one of those words like gaslight which people have blown out of proportion and having a show use 'depressive disorder' breaks it away from Depression. To me that is people bts being aware of the social, current connotations, being aware of social media and being kind to someone suffering from a MI.

In DFF, Non tries to commit suicide with his medications at least twice. Let me say that again, he tried to commit SUICIDE with his medication at least twice! That is not kind, that is not careful. That is stigmatizing. That is a baked narrative about psychotic disorders playing out as is. And the most terrifying part is: no one notices. No one can tell that this is wrong. Instead people are happy making Non just a victim. Just a victim is how we are always seen. Just a mental illness is all we have always been.

And it sucks!

Especially when psychosis in these cases is usually a very negative self image, absolute paranoia, very high anxiety, and much more. Most psychotic people don't go around killing people and even hinting at that is so toxic and normalized it's scary. It's dangerous because it's normalized. Add to that: we don't see so much more of what his life is. Yeah we see some glimpses of PheeNon relationship but in that same episode it ends with Non cheating on Phee. Honestly the reasons don't matter.

As far as I've seen, Non is not a character who is written with care around the mental illness he has. And it can be argued it's because it's a horror story. I ask you: So what? so what if it's a horror story? Is it impossible to have empathy for someone with a psychotic disorder even for a second?

If they had never had the pills showing up I would have been happy with this show but they did. They willingly, intentionally played into the stereotypes about people with psychotic disorders. Used MI as a plot point without showing the other side. It hurts but more than that it's annoying. It's annoying because Sammon is a doctor. It's annoying because we know even doctors rarely understand psychotic disorders.

This may be just a horror show to many people but Non's life is very much reality for many of us who have psychotic disorders (or any MI that isn't empathized by the general populous.) It's a reminder that even when we are written by doctors, our lives are horror movies.

[noxexistant]

Hiya! this might be really out of the blue but Ive been thinking about mother Delancey recently and like, what do you think happened to her? what do you think her relationship was like with Oscar and Morris if she was ever around?

hi! don’t you worry, i am literally always down to be asked literally anything about the delanceys - and i’m particularly excited about this question, because i do have a lot of thoughts about both of the delanceys’ parents. there’s lots of things i’ve slipped into fics in sort of one-off mentions, but haven’t been able to properly do anything with just yet, but i definitely have a lot of ideas. the topic of the delanceys’ mother interests me a lot, particularly how oscar “i guess he didn’t take care of me” delancey doesn’t mention her once.

cw suicide, mental health issues, abuse, standard my-delanceys stuff

first off, just to establish my basis in my own personal lil universe: ‘delancey’ isn’t their real name. oscar made it up on the spot - based on a nearby signpost - when snyder asked for their family name and he couldn’t stomach saying their father’s. i don’t have a solid idea for their real last name, i believe blaze uses ‘williams’ - i just like it as this clear distinction between the delanceys and their parents. not even a name linking them. harder to trace them, behind the rumours that follow them and race who knows their father’s face only because he saw them kicking it in.

their mother was deeply mentally ill. deeply emotionally absent too, checked out in the face of this clearly volatile relationship the boys had with their father, one which i imagine involved a lot of violence from a very early age. both boys are unwanted, a bastard and a son tying their mother to this man she had to marry to rectify mistakes she’d already made - oscar - and now she’s stuck, she’s here, on this isolated farm with nothing but her awful family to cling to. she ignores the boys being hurt and neglected and mistreated, out of this mixture of self-preservation and her own resentment for them - she hurts them plenty too, on her bad days - and it’s so much easier just to drink and drift. pointless to get involved, defending boys she doesn’t care to defend. her focus is survival, just living one day to the next with whatever she has to do and take and think to cope. she gets a factory job when the farm starts failing and money gets tight, and suddenly she’s gone long hours working too hard rather than sitting for hours listlessly at the dining room table or on the porch, often praying endlessly and muttering hail marys. and then suddenly she’s dead. it’s almost like she was never there in the first place.

i see her having bipolar or something adjacent. something the boys understood as something unpredictable, pushing and pulling her between good days where she’d be absentminded and daydreaming, and bad days where she’d be on a hair trigger to attack them or start screaming over anything they’d done. she’s overworked and overwrought, a woman who needed help and love and never got either, so the boys only ever really knew her as a shell of a person. a ghost of a mother. morris loved her most, desperate for her attention and most likely to get it, albeit just in a brief stroke of his hair he’d struggle not to flinch away from, but oscar resented her. cut all his own desire for her love into pieces and sharpened them into hatred, same as he did for their father.

she killed herself when the boys were still living on the farm, maybe about ten and twelve years old, just a year or so before their father disappeared and they both left for the streets and then the refuge. their father never told them that she killed herself, just came home drunk a few days after the fact and told them she was dead - they assumed it was a factory accident - but wiesel let it slip to oscar years later while spouting cruelty at him. maybe she threw herself from a factory window, from a bridge, into the hudson. it’s a secret oscar keeps fiercely from morris, though he lives terrified that someday wiesel’ll tell morris, drunk and angry and mean, just like he told oscar.

(i also think that jack’s dad killed himself, and it adds a whole other element because Foils.)

oscar thinks a lot about catholic views on suicide and whether ma would’ve made it to heaven, whether pa might. he doesn’t even know if either was baptised, and he’s pretty sure suicide sends you to hell anyhow, but he tries not to think about it. tries not to think about their mother in general, a woman who never did much for them except doom them to being alive and then leave them to it. a sentence she couldn’t even serve herself. he thinks about her whenever he sees the virgin mary, madonna, our lady. he thinks about the prayer cards she kept, and sometimes tore to shreds when she was having episodes. he thinks about her looking on, emotionless, whatever their father was doing. he thinks about her silhouette at the dining table. she was beautiful, beneath everything. morris looks just like her.

morris feels a lot of sympathy for her - or tries to. he searches for answers in his prayers, in his sleepless nights. he wonders if he might’ve done something wrong for her not to love him or oscar. unlike with pa, it’s harder for him to think that his beatings from her weren’t caused by him being bad, deserving it. when oscar spits disparaging words about her, spits on her memory in his bitterest moments - usually when morris brings her up - morris will argue for her. even if it gets him hit just like how she used to hit, a sudden manic burst of anger that leaves him reeling, oscar breathing hard with that fire in his eyes and looking like ma even with all of pa in his face, morris will defend her. try to remember her face and fail, only able to see her silhouetted in lamplight. see her in his own reflection, if he catches himself at the right angle.

if their dad’s a monster loose on the city, she’s a ghost haunting them.

[zafirosreverie]

El lugar sin límites (Julieta x Fem!Reader) part 4

Julieta tried not to blush too much when you walked into the kitchen with Asena right behind you. Since that night when your wolf had saved her and you had taken her hand to take care of her all the way back home, neither of you had separated from her. You hadn't asked what had happened, which she had been grateful for, but you told her that if Asena didn't leave her, then neither would you.

Not that she complained. Actually, she found it quite adorable the way you had become her “knight in shining armor” as Mirabel liked to call you. The problem was that the more days she spent with you, the faster she forgot the pain that Agustín caused her, and that scared her.

She shouldn't feel like this, she shouldn't get so attached to you, because she well knew that in the long run, it would only hurt her and she wasn't sure her heart could take any more damage. And yet she hadn't had the courage or the desire to push you away. On the contrary, it seemed that with every moment, her mind begged more for your presence.

"Ready?" you asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.

The brunette didn't even notice when you had taken the large basket of food, refusing to let her carry everything, something her husband had long since stopped doing. This was another thing she had inevitably started doing: comparing you to Agustín.

It's not that she wanted to lower you to his position, or that she wanted to put him on your level, she shouldn't even think about these things, but she couldn't stop her brain from making little notes about how differently you treated her compared to him.

“Behind you” she smiled at you.

You nodded and slung your shawl over your shoulder as Asena walked over to the older woman's side. The healer had noticed that the wolf liked it when she put her hand on her head as they walked, which wasn't difficult because her size made her head a little higher on her hips.

She picked up the smaller basket and mentally prepared herself for what she knew was coming. Going out with you was quite a sight that had taken the whole family by surprise, people couldn't seem to be able to take their eyes off you, and it would be a bit hypocritical of her to blame them when she did the same, and there would always be at least one person who would try to approach you.

The thing was if the Madrigals had learned anything in these weeks of living with you, it was that you were a mysterious and confusing creature. One moment you could be the most lovable and cuddly person she had ever met and the next you seemed like just another wolf in your little pack.

Her mother said that it was part of the things that Carmen had sent you here for, something that she had to correct in you. But if she was honest, Julieta liked you just like that, because it made her feel special when she realized that it wasn't that you had personality problems or bipolarity, you simply knew with whom to show your most beautiful side and usually she was the one who received that privilege.

You walked in comfortable silence for a few minutes, easily ignoring people's stares. She wondered how you could do it. There were times when she couldn't bear the pity in the eyes of the people who saw her, people who had already realized the matter with Agustín, but you walked as if you were only with her and you made it look so simple. You really were something else.

"So" you said after a while "how does that ‘day off’ system of yours work?"

"Excuse me?" she blinked confused

"You know, how do you share your days off?" you asked, placing things on the table before looking at her “I mean, I don't want to be nosy, but in the time I've been here I've only seen the kids take breaks and Luisa is questionable because she only takes half a day off…so how does it work?"

Julieta looked at you for a moment, considering the question. She hadn't really thought about it, how everyone, from the village to themselves, seemed to be slowly but surely returning to the harmful ways that had broken her family in the first place. She felt like a terrible mother for not insisting that Luisa get more rest.

“You…you take breaks, right?” you asked when the silence was too long.

“I…sometimes we can't control things…and people get hurt…sometimes there are emergencies” she said, but it felt like an empty excuse and she knew it.

"Wait"

The healer gasped quietly as you moved closer to her and gently cupped her chin, tilting her face up a little so she was looking into your eyes. She really hoped that her skin tone was hiding her blush and that you couldn't hear her gasping breaths or feel her racing pulse.

“Julieta Madrigal” you said, in a tone that reminded her a lot of her mother and made her feel like a little girl in trouble “when was the last time you took a day off?

The brunette really, really tried to think of an answer, but whether it was because of how nervous she was that your face was so close to hers, or the fact that she really couldn't remember when she last rested, it was an impossible task. And she suspected you already knew the answer anyway.

"I…I don't know" she sighed.

"Didn't you get into the break role?" you asked “things have not changed for you?”

"Yes" she said hastily "usually Fridays were my day off but..."

"but not anymore?"

You let go of her face and backed away a bit, letting her breathe normally at last, but she wasn't sure she preferred the way you crossed your arms and raised an eyebrow. You seemed disappointed and she had no idea why that hurt her so much.

“You wake up before dawn” you said “and go to bed long after dark. You officially work more than the sun…and you don't get a break?”

"I…" she sighed "I guess it's hard to break old habits…"

"What do you mean?"

“..It's always been like this for me, Y/N”

You frowned in concern and even Asena, who had been sitting next to the older woman, moved closer to her, rubbing her head against her leg gently, trying to comfort her a bit. Julieta smiled a little and scratched behind her ears before looking around. She knew that wherever she’d be, Dolores would always listen to everything she said, but her foster daughter had proven to be more than 100% on her side and she trusted that the girl wouldn't mind if she vented a little with you.

It took you by surprise when the woman timidly took your hand and began to pull you towards a nearby bench. No one had arrived injured yet, but you still noticed that she had made sure not to be too far from her table. If you found it strange that she didn't let go of your hand when you sat down, you didn't comment.

_____________________________

"It really isn't-"

"You know I'm not going to take no for an answer, right?"

Julieta looked at you for a moment before sighing and looking away to try and hide her small smile. Unburdening herself to you, telling you everything she had been hiding for over 45 years, the pressure and weight on her shoulders that she carried since she was five years old, letting it go, had felt incredibly good.

Maybe it was the fact that you never once interrupted her or made her feel like she was being a burden. On the contrary, you had listened to her from beginning to end, both you and Asena watched in silence as if she was telling you the secrets of the universe and you had made her feel so…respected? She would say respected (because she didn't want to think of the L word).

However, the spell lasted only until she finished speaking and once she did, you were quick to make your point clear. She had to admit that seeing someone side with her and her family was…refreshing. You had been incredulous at the town's apathy and incredibly upset at the way she and her siblings, and later her children, were treated because of their abilities.

It was kind of adorable if she was honest. But that made your brain work fast and she wasn't sure it was the best idea.

"Y/N" she told you "I can't"

"Why not?" you asked "You have to rest and you know it"

"That doesn't mean riding your horse"

“Oh come on! Asena and Atila already like you, Cuervo will love you!” you said

"It's not that, it's just..." the brunette looked at her hands for a moment

"what?"

"I've never ridden a horse" she admitted quietly.

“oh”

You watched her in silence for a few moments, studying the way she tried not to look at you. Her hands were pressed against her chest as she fidgeted with her fingers, a gesture you quickly understood meant nervousness or anxiety, and her cheeks were beautifully flushed. But there was something in her huge eyes, a hint of hope perhaps. That was what made you smile and approach her.

"There's always a first time, right?" you said, taking her hands gently and intertwining your fingers with hers.

The older woman was surprised and tried not to show how weak her legs were. She didn't know what kind of magic you had to disarm her so quickly and easily, but it was a frighteningly familiar feeling.

"At my age-"

"Could you stop doing that?" you interrupted her

“W-what thing?” she stuttered in surprise

“Using your age as an excuse”

"I do not-"

"You always say 'at my age this is not appropriate' or 'I'm too old for this’ as if getting old is some kind of sentence. Life isn't over until it's over, Juli, and it's never too late to dare to do new things…you're perfect and always will be, at this age or until you're 100 years old”

The healer shuddered a little at your words, at first because she had never heard you call her Juli and it sounded incredibly adorable coming from you, and secondly, because there was a strong conviction in your tone of voice. They were not generic words that you had learned from somewhere else and repeated to her, you really believed what you were saying, you really believed that she was perfect. And for some reason, that meant the world to her.

"...you have to promise you won't let me fall" she sighed, giving you a shy smile.

"I swear" you said, smiling back.

"And you can't laugh when I try to get on the horse"

"mmmm, I can't promise anything"

You two laughed and looked at each other for a moment. The brunette had already lost count of how many times she had been lost in your gaze since she met you. She couldn't help it, there was a galaxy in your eyes that called her to count stars.

Unfortunately, fate decided it was time to remind her why she shouldn't be feeling so comfortable with you. Asena saw them first, but her posture change from relaxed to alert was enough to dispel the fine mist that was beginning to envelop you. You frowned when you saw Aurora walking near where you were, but the strange thing was that she didn't come with Agustín.

You looked at Julieta and she let you know with her eyes that she had no idea what was going on either. She supposed she should be relieved that her husband wasn't with the blonde, but not for the first time, she found it increasingly difficult to pretend that she still cared about what he did.

You tried to ignore their presence, turning to rearrange things on the table. There hadn't really been many people here today, which was both good and weird. Maybe people weren't as clumsy as you thought? Perhaps they were beginning to realize that they should let the older woman rest? Or maybe they were just afraid of Asena. Probably the latter.

You were lost in thought when you felt the wolf move a little closer to you and out of the corner of your eye, you could see that the man the girl was with had swerved towards you, leaving a very indignant and pissed off blonde behind. He didn't even have to take more than three steps when you felt that this would be the moment, here the fame that you carried from home would reawaken.

"Good afternoon miss" he said, smiling seductively at you

"It was" you said dryly "are you hurt?"

"No, no, I'm perfectly fine, thank you" he laughed "I don't need that food"

"Then you have no reason to be here"

You noticed how the atmosphere around you changed, becoming a little tenser. The man blinked in surprise, not expecting that a creature as beautiful as you could have a thorn that size.

"I beg your pardon" he told you, still with his gallant tone "It's just that I saw you so alone, waiting and I thought what-"

“Let me correct you. I'm not alone” you said, moving aside so that I could get a good look at the healer next to you “nor am I expecting anyone. On the other hand, I don't know what you expect, to do me the favor of retiring”.

Julieta, who had been trying to make herself invisible until now, had to bite her lip to keep from letting out an astonished giggle. She silently watched as the man looked at you for a moment longer before pulling away uncomfortably when he realized you wouldn't even look at him.

A part of her was oddly happy to see you reject him, not wanting to let go of the one person who seemed to be able to pull her out of her cocoon of pain. But another part, the most rational, understood why despite your incredible beauty, your family had not been able to find you a husband yet. She knew that her mother had quite a difficult task on her hands, but that only made her smile more.

After all, the longer you were single, the more time she could spend with you.

----------------------

@emril-osvigne @ilovekazuhaa

[mitchywitchythings]

Simptober 2022

A Deal It Is Then

Summary: Well, who knew that when Monoma was pushed too far off the side, he’d find you. To uphold your side of the deal would be most ideal, especially when dealing with a Kitsune.

Warning: Soft hints of Yandere, possessive, angst, sad, extrovert/talkative reader, kitsune, sorta Mary Sue, a bit of an overpowered reader, Bit of OOC Monoma, curses/swearing, mention of bipolar, age gap

Pairing: Mortal! Monoma Neito X Kitsune! Reader

Word count: 3,496 words

Simptober 2022 Masterlist

“Stupid class 2-A and their fame!” Neito Monoma cried out

He stormed deeper and deeper into the forest of the summer camp they were forced to go back to from their first year. Tears began to prick at his eyes from all his frustrations and jealousy of what had happened a few minutes before he ran into the forest.

Bakugo hadn't actually changed from the person he was back in their first year. He was still the same old jerk, albeit somehow even more. The only thing that really changed from him was how he cooperated more in group teamworks.

Maybe he shouldn’t have gone too far either, now not only does class 2-A hate him, but also his own. He could deal with all the shit he goes through with U.A.’s star class but how could his own class hate him? Him, for God’s sake?!

He wasn’t doing anything but defending the honor of his and his own class’, although he’ll admit maybe a tad bit too far… Now he was fucking suspended for a week, a lot of people also. How was that even his fault?! Bakugo started it, fucking Midoriya and Todoroki backed him up.

So he simply copied the ponytailed bitch’s quirk with a slap to the back of her head and created a taser, using it on Bakugo. Yeah, dumb move. He knows that, and doesn't need to be reminded. If only Bakugo had not said how he should just drop becoming a hero since he doesn’t even have his own quirk and he’s practically useless with having to rely on others.

To make things worse, he called him a copycat bitch. Now that one cut deeper than a knife, it was like pressing salt on an open wound. He could feel his heart clenched tightly at that damn comment. The adrenaline rushing through his veins like never before.

Just as he was about to sucker punch towards Bakugo’s face, Bakugo dragged class 2-B into it. Saying how much of an embarrassment they were that they couldn’t control him. In fact, class 2-A can’t even control Bakugo! How fucking ironic.

After that, all Hell broke loose. And it just started with him. Not only was Neito facing suspension, he was also facing the possibility of being expelled. Yeah, it was just that bad. If only he had kept his cool, if only he controlled his temper, if only…

If only he could change back time, he would. Now he’s facing the consequences of his actions. Now he’s so far in the dark forest that he’s lost. He finds a nearby large rock to rest on at least, sitting down on it he tries to calm down his fast breathing.

Tears finally flowed down freely from his face. He kept on huffing and puffing as the whimpers he let out wasn’t enough to express how much he was suffering right now. The world was practically closing in on him. The forest turned darker and more sinister, only having the light from the moon as his source of comfort. He was hyperventilating, that much was clear. And you being you, couldn’t help but want to help him.

“Shh, calm down…” I rubbed his shoulder gently as I pulled him into a soft hug

He was too disoriented and stuck in his own world to even realize that was happening that he clung onto you. But he was glad he did because after a while he calmed down.

After finally calming down and coming back to his senses, he froze up at the realization that he was holding someone. Pulling himself away from me, he stood up and stood his ground. A defensive pose struck out as he frantically tried to wipe away the tears from his eyes. So that he could see properly, he also didn't want anyone to see him as someone who was weak.

“Who are you?!“ He mentally cursed for his voice cracked, showing that he was weak.

A young looking girl appeared, she seemed to be a little bit younger than him. Keeping that in mind, she also looked pretty innocent and harmless. But if she was all that, then how come she was in the middle of the forest late at night?!

“Is that the way you should thank me?” The unknown girl playfully teased.

“Who are you?” Monoma growled pretending that he would attempt to use his quirk on her, when in fact he knew that the quirks he copied from before all wore off a while ago.

“Who are you?” He just realized that the girl was wearing a beautiful white and red floral kimono that looked ancient, “and what are you doing in my forest?” He also just realized how pretty she actually looked, “Your forest, don't the Pussycats own this place?!” He snarled

“I think you’ve wandered too far, dear mortal. You’ve crossed the borders of their boundaries a while ago. I’ve been watching over you since you stepped foot into my forest.” She suddenly turned serious this time, her eyes began to glow red as a powerful aura came upon her unintentionally forcing him to back up in fear, “Now answer my question, what is a human like you wandering around my territory?”

He stammered, holding his defensive stance even firmer as all his gut feelings pointed towards saying that he’d rather die than admit what happened before. Seeing as he was uncooperative and you didn’t have all night, you cracked your neck from side to side. Letting out a sinister smirk, you let yourself loose from your disguise.

Your beautiful kimono turned even more grander as its trail grew longer and longer. The ribbon tied around your waist grew bigger as its tails magically wrapped around your back to form a giant bow. Not only that but the entire color of the kimono changed as well, it was now mostly black but with a deep shade of red that had some floral design embroidered into the fabric itself.

Though all that was nice and all, nothing could compare to the beauty you truly revealed yourself to be. While still retaining all your natural and beautiful features, they were all accentuated to become even more gorgeous.

You also grew fox-like ears on top of your head, but that wasn’t the thing that drew him in the most. That particular thing that drew him in was so… Intriguing, unique, and completely unexpected. He was practically in a trance.

7 large fox tails sprouted out from your tailbone. You were a kitsune. And based on the 7 tails, you were a powerful one at that. So that’s why you referred to him as a mere mortal or human. That's because you were different.

Taking a deep breath he calmed down, and cleared his head. He hadn’t realized how stupid he was. Why was he so scared of you? He was a damn hero in training. And this could be his moment to prove himself both to his classmates and class 2-A.

He wasn't going to waste it, no matter what. Making a quick move he swerved around you strategically and tapped your back way too harshly. Activating his quirk, since you were an emitter type, he could easily copy it.

Well shit. He felt nothing, as though you were quirkless. But then again, quirk is still considered as a power, but I guess a different classification of power he couldn’t copy. You really were a kitsune.

He didn’t really believe in Kitsunes and other mythical creatures that his grandmother and mother would use to tell him as a child. However, based on the turn of events, he might have to just change his mind.

When he was still young, his grandma was this very superstitious woman. She taught him all about how there were creatures of the night who lived among us, lived before us in fact. His mother always taught him to never pay mind to his grandmother because she was starting to get delusional from her old age.

How he wished that he listened to his grandmother back then… Who knew an information like that would be so useful? No one except for his grandmother of course.

“Hey, don’t move anymore. You're gonna fall into the temple.”

“What-?!” He was able to finish before he fell down to steps leading to the temple

He muttered curses under his breath as he stood up. Patting away all the first from his clothes despite that having no such effect in helping to clean him up. A high pitched laugh rang throughout the place.

You jumped down from the high steps that towered over him. Landing right beside him perfectly, that your stance was even cooler than that of All Might, behind you the large red arc stood proudly. He was stunned, fuck it may be your powers that has such an effect over him as he can’t seem to gets you out of his mind.

“Need help? We can go inside the temple.” You giggled

Stuck in a trance he dumbly nodded yes. You pulled him up and pulled him towards the temple, an enormous innocent smile stretching out on your face. Not letting go of his hand, a sudden clearing appeared from behind you, the stars of the night shining bright without a single care in the world.

“I haven’t had any company in a long while, let alone one that is a human. I guess everyone has forgotten of this beautiful forest. I’ve missed it, the company I mean!” Pulling him inside the temple

If you thought the outside of the temple was gorgeous. You wouldn’t believe what was inside of it, absolutely stunning. No words could describe it, it was just absolutely breathtaking. And that was what really happened to him.

His periwinkle iris grew wide at the site, completely shaking to the core. It was fit for an Emperor, one would think.

“Hey, you wanna get out of this forest right but you don’t know the way?” You tapped him from behind, your smile faltering for a second

Still stunned at the sight of the temple, he was unable to respond, only turning around to meet your eyes but not replying to an answer.

“I’ll take that as a yes then.” Laughing at his dazed state, “How about we make a deal? I’ll lead out of this forest, but I get something in return.”

“N-No.” He spoke unsure

“Why?”

“You could make your deal twisted, I’ll navigate out of this forest myself.” He spoke now more confidently, when I’m reality he wasn’t

“Go ahead, I’m not stopping you. The one who’s stopping you would be the other creatures who live in this forest. You should be glad I was watching over you the moment you stepped into my territory, the other creatures would have done naughty things to you. Be thankful that I’m not asking for any payment in return for watching over you, mere human. Besides once you step foot into this forest you can’t get out, not without my guidance. You see, you still need me to lift the concealment spell for you to get out.” He kept silent, stunned as how the situation became clear that he was trapped all because of his stupidity, “So what’ll it be. He has the rest of our lives to decide!”

“… Rest of our lives?” Out of all the phrase you choose to emphasize that, making him question what you truly meant with that phrase

“Of course, as a Kitsune, I was given a gift of power different from those silly quirks of yours. Mine is more powerful! Also, since the Gods were so fond of me, they decided to give me even more gifts! You could say that I have a really charming personality!” She perked up happily

“What are they then?” Think rationally, if it still was a form of power perhaps he could copy it with his own quirk to some extent, so long as it wasn’t a built up type of quirk.

“Lightning, fire, the creation of illusions, and control over time!” She spoke proudly

“Creation of illusions?” Bingo, if he could copy it to some extent, he could escape.

Turns out that idea was a bad one. Putting the plan he made in his head for at least 5 minutes, he kept revising. Trying to make sure there weren't any flaws. Well sure at first there wasn’t any problem, he just had to use 100% of his quirk in order to copy at least one of your powers.

Which had worked, at first. Running out of the temple and into the forest he successfully managed to distract you by creating an illusion that he was there besides you, keeping on listening to whatever you were rambling on and on about.

As he reached a clearing, he found himself on top of a cliff. Overlooking the entire mountain, below it settled the camp where he was supposed to be staying. He supposed he had managed to lift the concealment spell since he was bearing your power of illusion.

“Boo!” You startled him, tackled him into a high from behind, your tails wrapping around his stomach.”You know, you can never outdo the doer?”

“What do you mean?! Unhand me you, fox freak!”

Uh oh. It seems like when Monoma finally found his usual charm and charisma. It was at a bad time. The phrase fox freak really seems to rub you in the wrong way. Like it cut your wounded heart even deeper.

Getting off of him immediately, you snarled at him angrily, your eyes glowing red, voice becoming disoriented, “Fox freak?! Are you kidding me?! And here I was offering to turn back time for you to fix back whatever that is you did! Fine, leave this forest, I don’t care!” He was completely furious, tears pricking at her eye

Time skip

He was able to actually leave that night, when he returned everyone was worried about him,even more so since he came back with teary eyes and dirt present on him, it was the first time they had truly seen him ruffled up, he did always like to be neat.

His class, who after realizing and looking past their anger finally defended Monoma and stood up for him against class 2-A since it was Bakugo who really started this fight.

It was decided that Monoma wasn’t going to be expelled. However he was still going to be suspended. It was still better than being expelled, he supposed. Everything was going to be fine, they all got through the hard part. What was holding him back now?

Well it was the emptiness in his heart, and the fact that he couldn’t get you out of his mind. He did truly find you pretty and amusing with your extroverted personality. Maybe you casted a spell on him, that’s why he couldn’t get you out of his head.

He had to consult someone, anyone really. He already came to the conclusion that he was missing you because he fell in love with you, it was sort of a love at first sight situation.

Not knowing what to do, he consulted his 2 best friends, Kendo and Tetsutetsu. Of course, they were having a tough time believing in him. Having thought that he might have been too sad that his imagination was playing with him. But Monoma knew the difference between illusion and reality.

And you were undeniably reality, no matter how much he really wished you weren’t. So, after a lot of convincing that he wasn’t hallucinating they came to the conclusion that you were raising a lot of red flags. But that could be from the years of being lonely.

According to Kendo, based on what you had said, you were older than you actually looked like. Basically, you could be a thousand years old yet be trapped in an 16 year old body because of your power, that either being creation of illusion or control over time.

Tetsutetsu also pointed out that throughout the whole time he was explaining you to them, he was sorta having this lovesick expression on him. Moreover, both Tetsutetsu and Kendo had noticed the unwavering blush and smile ever so present on his face. Monoma didn’t smile like that, it was always a cocky smirk that was usually present on his face.

He fell harder than they originally thought. They wanted to be super supportive for him really, they did. But… It was undeniable that the fact she wasn’t human means that they couldn’t be together. To further, she was also so much older than him obviously and if that wasn’t enough, they also pointed out how you raised a lot of red flags.

Based on what Monoma said you seemed to be possessive as fuck. And maybe a bit bipolar… Nevertheless, they suggested that he forgets about you as it wasn’t worth it. They were also scared if you had put him under some sort of spell, causing him to fall in love with you so quickly.

Whatever it was, he just couldn’t get your pretty smile out of his head…

.

.

.

I…

.

.

.

Love…

.

.

.

You…

.

.

.

This has gone too far, he had to see you! And so, just grabbing a hoodie, he wore it and bolted out of the camp. Having trouble navigating and forming a strategy as to how he was going to get pass the teachers patrolling in order to get to you, all the while still putting on his shoes.

When he finally was able to sneak behind all the teachers, he tried his best to navigate through the forest. But it was difficult. He didn’t know where he was going when he first came there as he was too busy trying not to cry to notice any of his surroundings.

And even if he did, he doubted he would have remembered any of it. All of the trees were hard to memorize, having the same distinctive feature as everything else.

When all hope was lost, deciding too just give up and do his best to navigate back to the camp. He smelled it, a faint burning smell of fire, something he took in a bit right after meeting you. He was close! He just needed to follow it and then he can finally find you.

Or more like it was the other way around. He just hopes that you’ll forgive him for insulting you. If not, he wouldn’t know what he’d do. He’ll just have to face you, he guesses and beg for your forgiveness.

“Look who’s back for more.” You stated, clearly agitated

“I’m not here to fight you or anything, I just wanted to apologize for insulting you.” He spoke sincerely

“Oh, that… Let’s just forget about that okay. Seems so long ago, don’t you think?” She gave him a fake smile that was hard to detect, “How about this. Let’s just have a cup of tea, I was already brewing one to begin with.”

The tea tasted great, and that’s saying something for him because he always hated tea with such a soft taste. This one, he’s never had one like it before, really. After that you guys dived deep into a conversation, it didn't really matter what topic it was because you kept on jumping from one to another.Monoma was sure of his feelings for you, however he wasn’t sure of your feelings for him.

“I want to make a deal.” He suddenly spoke out

A sly smirk appeared on your face, “What kind?”

“I want… To turn back time.”

“When exactly?”

“3 days ago, before you first met me.”

“Alright, that’ll be easy.”

Holding onto his wrist, he felt like he was falling. Colors of different kinds shone through, a blinding light kept blinking. He felt like he was going to pass out, black stars began to appear in his line of sight. But just as he was feeling that, it suddenly stopped.

He woke up, quicker than ever. To find himself walking with his class, moments before the fight occurred with him being almost expelled. He could change this, he could change everything. And that’s exactly what he did.

He somehow managed to be placed as the victim whilst Bakugo was severely punished. On the brink of expulsion had it not been for his amazing quirk. In fact, he wasn’t even in the hero course now, he had to drop to the general studies, while Shinso would take his place. He was so freaking happy! He never thought his dream to finally step on class 2-A would come true!

“I’ve done my part of the deal, I think it’s time I decided what I want.” She hugged him from behind

He gulped thickly.

“Stay with me. Or visit me often at least.” She smiled sadly

Curiously he asked, “Why?”

“I’m always alone. I hate it.”

“Alright then.”