#it’s just tiring i feel like i have to defend myself and my life experiences

[egopathic]

nothing more irritating to me than slightly older friends who have lived pretty normal lives talking to me like i’m 7 and/or giving me life advice on things i’ve been dealing with forever and certainly never asked about.

[monachopism]

being jewish with zero affiliation to israel and rather a generational line of activists for palestine is a hard line to walk and sometimes i wish i could just fall off

[inkskinned]

okay if you're really cool about things, i can be honest with you. before you read further, decide if you're a girl's girl. if you're cool and actually cool or like not cool.

men don't talk in my book because i was fuckken tired of the way they're the center of every fucking story. i was tired of how every story takes a moment to let them talk. men can shut up for literally one fucking book.

unfortunately not everyone is cool. professionally what i usually say is i didn't want to add violence to the world. the only men in my book are abusers, so they don't get to talk. they don't get to take up space. they ruined my life, they don't get to have their words echo anymore.

because like, yeah! you find practically any story about a person surviving trauma and... there's a man at the center. men are often rescuing us from these things. a "good man" is always standing around, being a good man, proving to the victim that good men are the real men. that her experience was unique rather than universal.

the redacted text has not been taken well by all of my early readers. there is this weird, crouching growl that keeps occurring with men-of-a-certain-age. why don't we hear his side of the story?

when i sat down to write everything that happened to me, i couldn't look at the frank brutality of my abuser's words on a page and think to myself: i actually let him speak like that. i had to redact his words from the manuscript. i then left it redacted. no victim is going to read this book and hear the person who hurt them. it is a book for the victims to speak. abusers shut up challenge, forever. for eternity.

my father once told me, chuckling, i should just have a page of redaction where i let the man just finally talk. it is funny to joke about how we should make a whole page in my book about a man that hurt me. this was not the only time someone commented - it feels like you're hiding things. how do i know you're actually a victim if he doesn't get to speak?

there are books where women aren't even present. i even genuinely like some of those books. like, who doesn't like the hobbit?

i keep running into people defending this imaginary man. the default narrative is so true to some people that they will defend any man, just by virtue of the assumption - "if he's acting like that, you had to push him." certain people need definitive proof that you didn't accidentally make your partner into an abuser. they need to decide if you deserved it, because they want to be able to judge you.

which makes sense, i guess, from a hind brain perspective. if you can figure out "why" someone was cruel, you can protect yourself against it. if you defend the bully, the bully might side with you. i don't really know their explanation for feeling this about a character in a book. trust me, i wrote the guy. he is not going to protect you.

i guess i just - there was a time in my life where i desperately wanted anyone to defend me. where i could have really used someone saying holy shit are you okay instead of what did you say to make him act like that to you.

instead, over dinner, a friend-of-a-friend i just met is pouring herself wine. i heard you wrote a book, she says. she gives me the kind of chilly smile i associate with knives. i heard it's unfair to men.

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES *  assorted dialogue from the novel, adjust as necessary

don't feel bad for one moment about doing what brings you joy.

be glad of your human heart.

has anyone ever taken care of you?

i heard you scream.

i figured that would get you to stop crying.

stop? don't pretend you care, human.

what is that bruise?

before you start yelling...

do you lie awake at night to come up with all your witty replies for the following day?

i'm tired and lonely, and you're the only person i can talk to without putting myself at risk.

you can leave if you're just going to insult me.

i would have been gentle with you, though.

pity those who don't feel anything at all.

when i kill, i do it slow.

killing is easier in pants.

i didn't want to consider what the punishment might have been.

we're too powerful, too bored with immortality, to be checked by anything else.

i wanted you everywhere. i was drowning in that need.

i don't particularly enjoy losing, so i took it upon myself to become good at them.

what's it doing?

why are you telling me this?

i don't think it's absurd at all.

remember the last time you ignored my warning?

fear no evil.

would you like me to grovel with gratitude for bringing me here?

i might die of surprise. you made a joke, [name].

your hair is... clean.

when the legends get written, i don't want to be remembered for standing on the sidelines.

look how you're trying not to cry out in terror.

i didn't want you to fight alone. or die alone.

you don't hold on to power by being everyone's friend.

each of us has a beast roaming beneath our skin, roaring to get out.

against slavery, against tyranny, i would gladly go to my death, no matter whose freedom i was defending.

i love you. thorns and all.

for someone with a heart of stone, yours is certainly soft these days.

we need hope, or else we cannot endure.

i threw myself into that fire, threw myself into it, into him, and let myself burn.

you look... better than before.

it's a rare day indeed when someone thanks you for bringing them to their death.

if i offer you the moon on a string, will you give me a kiss too?

you humans are truly grateful creatures, aren't you.

well... goodbye for now.

you didn't ask.

the answer to the riddle is love.

you don't look half as bad now.

everything i love has always had a tendency to be taken from me.

i wouldn't want to die alone.

you didn't need to bargain with me.

how am i to blame?

the tunic isn't as pretty as a dress.

what have you done to me?

do you ever stop being so serious and dull?

make it go away.

i'd prefer not to wear that dress.

do you ever stop being such a prick?

i would have taken a very, very long time.

i'd want someone to hold my hand until the end, and awhile after that.

you didn't tell me this would happen.

your human joy fascinates me - the way you experience things in your life span, so wildly and deeply and all at once is... entrancing.

i'm drawn to it, even though i shouldn't be, even when i try not to be.

there was nothing that could slow me down.

i don't know why i feel so tremendously ashamed of myself for leaving them.

all those years... what i did for them... and they didn't try to stop you from taking me.

you might have gotten away with it.

i came to claim the one i love.

i hadn't thought of it as a weakness until now.

[fetusgooseandjuice]

Everything That I Want

Pairings: Shuri Udaku x fem!reader | Platonic!Wanda Maximoff x fem!reader

Summary: During an argument, Shuri says some things that really hurt your feelings. So, you leave Wakanda thinking it was what she really wanted. (Happy Ending)

Word Count: 3,312

REQUESTED

Your POV:

"Baby?" I said, walking into the lab with a small tray of food for Shuri.

I didn't get a response back, but when I turned the corner I saw Shuri standing at a table working on a project she had started.

She's had her nose buried in this new invention for the past week. Hardly ever coming to bed or eating actual meals.

That's why I decided to cook her favorite food for lunch, just trying to do something nice for her.

"Oh, there you are. How's it coming along." I asked, wanting to know what she's actually been working on all this time.

Once again, she didn't respond. At this point I'm starting to wonder if she's ignoring me on purpose, or if she's just really deep in thought and concentrated.

"Hello?" I said, waving my hand in front of her face to try and get her attention.

She looked up from what she was doing and sighed, "What? I don't know if you can tell, but I'm kind of busy here." she said, sounding very annoyed.

"I was just bringing you lunch. I assumed you hadn't eaten anything because I haven't seen you much today." I placed the tray of food on the table.

"I don't have time for this, Y/N. If you don't actually need anything then can you just go away or something." she glared at me.

"I didn't mean to upset you, Shuri. I just-" she cut me off.

"You just what? Some people actually have things to do with their time instead of hovering over others. Maybe you should try it." she insulted.

"Ok I haven't done anything to you, so I don't exactly understand why you're going off on me like this. I was just trying to be nice." I defended myself.

"I don't need you to be nice. I'm a grown adult, I can take care of myself." she rudely remarked.

"Well I just though that since I'm you're girlfriend, in case you forgot, that you would be a little more appreciative of me. If you wanted space, you could've just asked me instead of yelling at me like this." I suggested.

"I think i've made it very clear that I want space,

Y/N. It seems like the only way I can get it is by spending all my time in here because you're so clingy."

"I'm not clingy, I just want my girlfriend back! I feel like I haven't fallen asleep with you beside me in forever, or cuddled with you in weeks, and I'm tired of it." I explained, sounding desperate to get my point across.

"Then if you're so tired of it, leave. I'm tired of you constantly overwhelming me. Just give me space." she threw her hands up, unintentionally knocking the tray of food onto the ground.

"Wow. So all of a sudden your lab experiments and technology are more important than the woman you asked to be your girlfriend 2 years ago. You'd rather spend the rest of your life with these-" I started to gesture and point to all of the contraptions she had scattered around the table, but she quickly grabbed my wrist trying to stop me from touching them.

'Don't touch them. If you're so tired of me being in the lab, then go find someone else to spend time with." she spoke to me sternly, tightening her grip on my wrist which made me wince.

"Shuri, you're-" she roughly threw my arm back down to my side and took her hand off of me, but her finger got caught on the bracelet around my wrist. When she pulled her hand away, it snapped the bracelet in half. All of the beads and charms falling onto the floor.

I gasped and tears started to form in my eyes. That was the last thing I had of my mother’s. It was her bracelet, and she gave it to me right before she passed away. But I've never told Shuri that because it's still a sensitive topic for me.

"No!" I exclaimed, kneeling down to start collecting the pieces of my bracelet.

"Oh calm down. It's just a bracelet you can get a new one." she scoffed.

What I didn't know was that Okoye had walked into the room right when Shuri grabbed my wrist, and she watched everything unfold.

"Shuri! What is that matter with you. That is no way to treat your girlfriend and you know that." she quickly walked into the room and started to lecture Shuri.

I finished picking up the beads and stood up, running off to my room.

Shuri's POV:

I watched Y/N leave and everything that I had just done started to sink in.

"What has gotten into you?! Are you out of your mind?! That girl has been nothing but kind to you, and this is how you're treating her now? Grabbing her wrist and breaking her bracelet?!" Okoye yelled at me.

"I-I'm sorry. I've just been really stressed and-" she interrupted me.

"Stress? That what all of this is about? You're stressed so you decided to hurt Y/N." she said in disbelief.

"I didn't mean to. I've been really tired and I guess I took it out on her." I shook my head at myself knowing that I absolutely messed everything up.

"I'm not the one you should be saying sorry to. You wanna know something about that bracelet you just broke? It's the last thing she has of her mothers, and it was probably the second most important thing in her life under you. You can’t blame her if she doesn’t forgive you for this.” she sounded mad and disappointed.

That was her mothers bracelet?

"Wait, her mom gave her that? I didn't know, she never talked to me about her mom." I was shocked.

"She told me a few months ago. She felt like she couldn't tell you because you were going through a lot and she didn't want to burden you. So she confided in me." Okoye explained.

"She didn't feel like she could talk to me? I've always been here for her. What-" I was confused.

"Considering the way you just acted towards her just now, you haven't been there for her in a while. You neglected your own girlfriend, Shuri." she laid out the reality of the situation.

I was about to tell her that I was going to go speak to her until I she spoke up first, "I wouldn't bother her yet. She's probably really hurt. Give her the space you wanted earlier." she told me and I nodded, knowing that was probably best.

Your POV:

I stormed into the bedroom with tears running down my face. Did she really mean all the stuff she said? I was just trying to help her, I didn't want to get on her nerves. But if she really wanted space, then I'll give it to her.

I went into my wardrobe and grabbed one of the suitcases, opening it and tossing it onto my bed. Going through my drawers and belongings, I packed the suitcase, and then an extra bag with some essentials. I thought about places I could stay at until I thought of my best friend who I haven't seen in forever.

Wanda Maximoff.

We talk over the phone frequently, but we don't get to see each other often since she's in the states and I'm in Wakanda. So I guess she wouldn't have any objections to me coming to stay with her at the compound for a bit.

Picking up my phone, I opened her contact and called her. She answered on the third ring.

"Hey, Y/N! I was actually just about to text you to see what you were up to." she happily said.

"Wands, do you think I could come stay with you for a little?" I replied, my voice sounding shaky because of the crying I had been doing.

"Yeah of course, but why? What happened, are you okay?" she asked worriedly.

"I'm fine it's just Shuri and I got into this huge argument, and she wanted space. There's more to it, but can I tell you when I see you?" I explained.

"Oh darling, I'm sorry. I'd be more than happy to have you, and I don't think anyone else will mind. You're always welcome here." she spoke.

"Thanks, Wanda." we said our goodbyes and hung up the phone before I grabbed my stuff and walked out the room, taking the long way exiting the palace to avoid the lab.

Shuri's POV:

A little over an hour had passed and I was still talking to Okoye, "I didn't realize how much I was hurting her." I said.

She was getting me to talk about my feelings so she could try to help me fix what I just messed up.

"I just wish I could take it all back. I love her so much. I can't believe I actually did that to her." I added.

"You might not be able to take it back, but knowing Y/N, she'll probably forgive you if you show her how much you care. That you didn't mean everything you said." she suggested.

"Do you think she'd listen to me if I tried to talk to her now?" I questioned hopefully.

"Maybe. If you want to try, you probably could.” she answered and I nodded my head, immediately standing up to go find Y/N.

Knowing that she most likely went off to our bedroom, I started there. Walking into the room I immediately noticed how empty it was. There were normally things on the dresser and shelves that belonged to Y/N, but they weren’t in their usual places. Then I took note of the open closet door. I peaked inside and saw most of her stuff cleared out.

This caused me to panic. Did she leave? Where was she? My next thought was to ask Griot where Y/N was.

“Griot, where is Y/N currently?” I asked the A.I.

“I cannot locate Y/N as the last time she was seen in Wakanda was about 40 minutes ago. To pinpoint her current location, it would take an unkown amount of time at the moment.” he responded and my heart dropped.

She left Wakanda. I quickly made my way back to the lab where Okoye was still sitting.

“Okoye-” I started, but my voice broke because I was on the verge of tears.

“What’s wrong, Shuri? What happened?” she asked and opened her arms for me to walk into.

“Y/N was all I had and she’s gone, she’s not in Wakanda anymore. I hurt the only person I had left. She hates me now.” I cried.

“Oh Shuri- she might’ve just needed some time. I don’t think she hates you. Y/N would never just leave and not come back. She’ll come back or eventually talk to you.” Okoye reassured.

“But why would she. I don’t deserve her with the way I treated her. Even if she does come back, I don’t know what I would say to make it better.” I said.

“Just say what you feel. In the meantime we can ask around and see if she shows up on any of hers or your friends doorsteps.” she suggested and I nodded my head.

~~~

Y/N’s POV:

“Thanks again Wanda for letting me stay with you.” I said walking into her room.

“It’s no problem, Y/N. You’re always welcome here. You’re my best friend.” she gave me a small smile to which I reciprocated.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened now?” she asked gently, not wanting to pressure me into anything.

I nodded my head after setting all my bags down and sitting on the edge of her bed with her, “Shuri’s been spending a lot of time in her lab lately. Of course I don’t mind that she’s doing that, it’s just she’s been really distant, and today when I brought her lunch was her final straw I guess because it turned into this big argument about how I’m too annoying and clingy. Then she ended up breaking my mothers bracelet on accident, but she still did it.” I explained the situation that led to me being here.

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.” she pulled me into a tight hug, “Have you guys talked about it yet?” she asked.

“No, after everything she said I just assumed that she didn’t want to talk to me. So, I came here.” I said.

“Maybe she didn’t mean what she said. This doesn’t justify it, but she could’ve been stressed. We’ve all been there before.” she voiced.

“That could be, but her words still hurt.” a few tears rolled down my cheeks and onto her shirt.

“I understand that. But I think you should just talk to her. This situation isn’t going to get any better if you don’t talk it out.” she started to rubbed my back.

I nodded my head in agreement, “I’ll call her eventually, I’m tired right now.”

She chuckled, “Well it is almost 10 o’clock. You can use my bathroom to change. Are you okay with sharing a bed? If not I could go ask Tony to set something up for you.” she asked.

“No it’s okay, I’m fine with that.” I said and she nodded. I grabbed a pair of clothes from my bag, making my way to the bathroom.

~~~

The next day…

Shuri’s POV:

“You really think she’s gonna be here?” Okoye asked me as we walked to the entrance of the avengers compound.

“Without a doubt. Wanda is her best friend and she trusts her, so there’s no reason as to why she wouldn’t come here.” I explained, walking inside.

We took the elevator to the avengers floor. Walking inside, the first person we saw was Wanda who was in the kitchen cooking.

She turned her head to see who came out of the elevator, “Ah Shuri. I was expecting Y/N to call you, but I wasn’t expecting you to actually show up here before she did.”

“Well I have a lot of explaining to do, and I don’t think Y/N was gonna come home to talk about it, understandably. So I came to her.” I responded.

She smiled, “I think she’s still sleeping. Go down that hall and make the first right. It’s the third door on your left.”

I thanked her and looked at Okoye, “I’ll wait here don’t worry.” she said. I nodded my head.

Following Wanda directions, I went down the hall, and made the first right. Now I was standing outside the third door on my left. I took a deep breath before slowly opening the door.

The room was cold because of the fan that was on, and there was some sunlight trying to make itself known from behind the curtains. But straight ahead I saw Y/N snuggled up in the bed with at least 3 blankets. I chuckled to myself and closed the door, quietly walking over to the side of the bed Y/N was on, and sitting on the edge of it.

She looked so peaceful whenever she slept. Like a little angel, and she was my angel. If she wanted to be. I moved my hand to softly stroke over her cheek. She’s always been a deep sleeper, so I wasn’t surprised when she just made a small noise and curled further into her cocoon of blankets.

I didn’t know whether to wake her up or let her sleep. I wanted to talk to her so I could bring her back home with me as soon as possible, but I didn’t have the heart to wake her. Luckily, I didn’t have to contemplate anymore when she started to stir. Her eyes slowly opened and they tiredly looked around until they landed on me.

She quickly sat up in a panic, but calmed down when she realized it was me, “Jesus Shuri, you can’t just do that. You scared me.”

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t want to wake you up.” I apologized.

“What even are you doing here?” she asked.

“I wanted to talk to you, but face to face. Not over text or on the phone, and I knew you weren’t going to come home soon enough.” I said.

“What is there to talk about? You made it very clear how you felt about me.” she sounded annoyed.

“There’s a lot to talk about because that’s not how I feel about you. I didn’t mean a single word I said. I was stressed, and I said those things in the heat of the moment.” I tried to explain.

“Being stressed doesn’t justify how you treated me.” she looked at me.

“I know it doesn’t. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. But I don’t think you’re annoying or clingy. That’s not what I think about you. I love you Y/N, okay. Remember what I told you when I asked you to be my girlfriend? I said you’re everything that I want, and that’s still true. You are everything that I want and more. I didn’t deserve someone like you in the first place, but you still said yes to being with me. I still want you to be with me, but I’ll understand if that’s not what you want anymore.” I did what Okoye told me to do, and I told her how I felt.

“I do want to be with you, Shuri. I just thought that you were tired of me.” she admitted.

“I could never be tired of you. You’re my whole world. I care about you more than anything. More than my position as queen, more than my lab, more than my technology. You’re all I need.” I was desperate to get her to trust me when I say that to her.

She paused for a few seconds before speaking, “Okay.” she smiled.

“Okay?” I laughed out of happiness.

She nodded her head and I tackled her to the bed. Hovering over her, I pressed kisses all over her face and neck while she squealed and started giggling. I stopped to look into her eyes before leaning down to capture her lips in mine for the first time in over twenty-four hours.

The moment was cut short when the door opened, “I’m happy you two made up, but no sex in my bed, please.”

I turned my head to see Wanda and Okoye standing in the doorway, “Sorry.” I chuckled before getting off of Y/N and sitting back on the edge of the bed.

“Are guys okay now? No more tears?” Okoye asked.

I looked back at Y/N and she looked at me, nodding, “We’re okay.” I confirmed.

“Good because I did not want to have to pick sides.” Okoye sighed in relief, and I rolled my eyes at her.

Then I remembered something, “Oh wait, Y/N I have something for you.” I reached into my front pocket and pulled out her fixed bracelet, grabbing her wrist and slipping it back on for her.

“You forgot all the pieces on the bedside table, so I took them and put it back together.” I explained.

“My mother’s bracelet? You fixed it?” she looked shocked.

I hummed, “It was pretty easy since you had found all the pieces to it.”

She looked up at me with bright eyes before grabbing both sides of my cheeks and kissing me, “I love you.” she whispered against my lips.

“I love you too.” I said.

“Okay, no sex right in front of me and in my bed, please.” Wanda begged and we all laughed, apologizing.

I finally had my priorities straight, and life was already better because of it. I had everything that I wanted.

[supercalime]

I can’t believe I found people who think about this the exact same way as I do. I don’t get these hardcore buddie stans who suddenly try to make it look like buckTommy shipper are the toxic ones. I haven’t seen a single BuckTommy shipper who was rude without a reason (maybe a bit defensive about their CANON ship). Whereas I’ve seen plenty of incredibly toxic buddie stans who insult everyone who doesn’t ship their ship or share their opinions.

Another thing and don’t get me wrong Im not defending anyone. But I’ve seen many people heavily bullying the marisol actress because she’s apparently homophobic (not saying she isn’t or is) and wanting her to be gone beacause of this reason but totally ignore the alleged racism of ryan (again not saying he is racist or not, i dont know them personally) just because he is part of their beloved ship. By their logic Ryan should leave the show too.

Hey anon, it took me some time to answer your ask (chaotic life stuff lol) but I’m glad to finally have time to talk about this first part with you.

I’ll preface by saying I won’t get involved in actor drama, no matter how true or toxic it is because I don’t have enough information nor am I qualified to talk about the issues they mishandled. I’ll just say that, no matter who does bad things, they should be held accountable.

Okay, back to the main point: yes, it’s very strange how b*ddie st*ns are behaving towards the canon bi!buck thing. Both with people who ship bucktommy but also with the creators and actors on the show. Regardless if they are right or not about b*ddie being canon, this is not how you act with entertainment, specially with the people giving the content.

I hate to bash but it looks and sounds a lot like a toddler throwing a tantrum because they didn’t get a specific toy.

And toddlers only throw tantrums because they are brand new humans who are learning how to behave. They don’t know any better so they react with outbursts and repeated demands because it’s the only way they know to get the attention of the person taking care of them.

If I’m not mistaken, the main audience for the show is 18-45. NO ONE here should be yelling in comment sections “we want buddie! we want buddie! we want buddie!” as if they would immediately get it. It’s not how it works and it’s frankly embarrassing to see a bunch of adults acting like that for everyone to see.

And I can’t stress it enough, I’m not putting myself on a high ground here and saying I’m a better person by shipping bucktommy, as I’m sure there might be a percentage of fans out there being rude and annoying as well. But at least I’m keeping my conscience clear by not acting like me shipping two characters is something big enough in my life to ruin my enjoyment of a whole show in case my favorite ship doesn’t become canon.

I hate how fandoms behave as if they can have control over the content they are consuming. We aren’t entitled to anything and if there is supposed to be ANY discourse about which character was supposed to end with, that should happen AFTER the show ended! The story isn’t over yet! So why are b*ddie st*ns so stressed? If a show is making you this angry and demanding, please step aside a little, give it some distance because that’s not how consuming content is supposed to make you feel.

And I say that last part with sincerity because I too got way too involved with fandom discourse in the past, to the point that I had to distance myself from certain shows because being that involved made me upset.

Im just tired at this point you know. Im trying to protect myself as much as possible. Im not in the bird app, I don’t follow the show or the actors on social media, im avoiding interviews like the plague. All I want from this experience is to watch the show, gather my thoughts, form my opinions, log onto tumblr and reblog the cute stuff I see about my favorite ship without having to worry about whatever the hell is going on outside my pretty little bubble

[gojokinni]

DAZAI ANALYSIS

Ok, so I actually thought a lot about posting something like this, because it would mean revealing a lot of personal stuff about me... However I felt like sharing my vision on Dazai, my favorite character, someone I relate to so much it hurts...

To start this character analysis, I'm actually going to analyze myself. Today I know that I am a deeply disturbed person, since I was in primary school and maybe before I was obsessed with sexual relations, I have no idea why, and to this day I don't know where it came from. All I know is that it led me to possess sexual trauma due to some "experiences" ( no r*pe, or pedophilia). One thing is sure,if I had to take my phone back in a hospital, I'd definitely be able to have a s*xual relationship for it.

I also have a severe lack of empathy. Which is weird since I'm a true emotional sponge... I will not understand how you feel, will not know how to comfort you, will not relate or put myself in your shoes. All of that is tiring to me, weird, I simply don't get it.

I was also probably one of the worst bully to ever exist, not physically but verbally. I never treated my "friends" fairly , was always bossy and mean. And you know what's the worst ? It's that I never realized it, not in the sense that I was young and didn't know better, but more like someone took over and talked instead of me. As if I was protecting myself. It made many people hate me and no matter what I do it'll always be like that.

Today, I have only 2 or 3 people I seem to genuinely care about and even then I really doubt they'd stay. I never really showed them who I was, always hiding behind sarcasm and self depreciating jokes.

Basically, I'm a weird mix between pragmatic and emotional. I can't function in society and will probably never be able to. Isolation, and solitude are what I dream of, not because I love these but because I can't seem to deal with others... Many would say I'm a psycho. I think I am.

That's where I relate to Dazai. I'm not a killer, I never tortured anyone, and while I was probably abusive mentally, I was never physically. However I get how he acts. Not having any morals, to be like a virus, someone so different from others that you could never integrate. You still try, because of diverse reasons, but even then you feel like it's not where you should really be.

Nobody knows who you are, firstly because you've always hidden yourself behind a different persona, but most importantly because you don't know yourself who you are. Everyday that passes, you feel empty, devoid of any things that make people's life interesting and bright.

Every time I see a rant post about how Dazai is a monster, it really makes me wanna cry, hide myself in my bed and never get out. Because it's me. Things are not as easy as :" oh he's a psycho, bad bad person". It's not that easy to act accordingly as everyone wants when you don't get it. I know that I could never come up to my ex-friends, look at them and say I'm sorry, just like how Dazai will never look at Akutagawa and say I'm sorry. Not because I'm heartless but because it won't get out. Even though I'm strong at lying, manipulating, even though I do that every day.

It's frustrating to not know who you are. To be a monster in everybody's eyes and even yours. Guess what, I'm deeply, disturbed, probably mentally ill, many would call me broken, and I already do it. I love Dazai, would defend him till the end of my life. He's my favorite character. Why ?

Because he's me.

[panderghast]

I have maybe a pinch of hope left...

Cause like, I have sooooo much to give. And it seems like everyone wants a piece of it, but nobody wants to give anything back. They want me to be dirty, as long as I can wash myself clean again of course (my goodness). They love how quirky I am! Until I need to tone it down, oh my gosh it's mortifying. Why would I wear that in public, say that out loud? I'm going to walk away from you if you do that, I swear to god don't embarrass me. I have strong values and morals; unless we disagree. Then I become stubborn and unpleasant while I defend my opinion and you drown out my voice with your cynicism and ego. I can't even talk about what's bothering me, it's a personal attack on them exclusively. Lord have mercy it is actually about them, because suddenly they do nothing right and nothing is ever good enough for me and they just can't lose me, they can't!

Honestly, I'm also tired of playing into the thought of basic decency being my reward? I'm not your good girl. I'm not a dog. You aren't a dom, and I'm not a sub. I don't owe you that privilege just because you saw me naked and you put your hand on my throat while you fucked me. You don't know the first thing about BDSM, and you can't even tell me the definition of a kink. So why do you think this is a turn based game instead of a bonding exercise around consent? Don't touch me.

The thing is, I want to let someone in. I want to express deep and passionate love. But I am constantly misguided. I am lead to believe these men tell the truth, and then once I get comfortable in their embrace and I feel safe they constrict me like a snake until I stop breathing. My heart is treated like a possession, not a delicate gift. I'm a conquest in some sick subjugation, not a prize to be displayed and discussed and proud of. I'm a very fun toy to have, but I'm like a sports car - but they can't use me everyday, that's why they have their family car and I'm in the garage; they can only take my out when its convenient or they're feeling nostalgic or frisky. All I was asking for is maybe some recognition? A little appreciation, some attention? Maybe give me half as much thought as you did to your Baldur's Gate 3 character. Or, I suddenly turn into their mother and I get to experience all the Freudian bullshit that they packed in their bags and dragged around with them from house to house. I must be able to teach them all the things their lacking, right? I mean, after all I'm raising 4 kids successfully on my own and maintaining a house and budget without help and I do all these wonderful things like cook and clean and make art and I can still love so freely. Wow! I'm a goddess. I'm so special, unique, incredible, astounding...So, that's something that I can share obviously. It must be a secret, a technique I've perfected through all the trauma and opportunities life has given me. If I could only support them a bit...emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually, physically, mentally...teach them how to take care of themselves since they never bothered to learn. Then I could make them a good partner. For me, of course! ...But I have to make sure I share their interests because mine are a bit boring, they don't get it it's too much information to follow, this cartoon is kind of childish don't you think, what is this a romance, I don't really understand old horror movies they're so badly made...but hey, have you seen the entire Marvel collection? Don't worry, I'll make sure to ask you questions on everything you do like that coincides with my interests to make sure you're telling the truth. Oh wait, make sure that I don't go out without them too much, they'll feel lonely. Why is my phone going off so much? I'm so paranoid about shutting my laptop when I'm done, omg can I stop doing that why don't I leave it open. Hey, they're out of body wash and shampoo btw. Ah, shoot, can I help them clean up because they're just so tired. Can I cover this bill, order this food, get these drinks cause they ran out of money? We haven't gone out in a while...oh it's because I'm not paying or planning for it anymore and the last time you did anything was March? What the fuck do you mean you don't vote? What the fuck do you mean you think feminists are annoying? What the fuck do you mean I emasculate you, I wasn't even talking to you, I was talking to my son about doing his homework or else he would end up living in his friends apartment sleeping on a mattress on the floor with no sheets and his winter coat on cause they couldn't afford the gas bill working a dead end job at a fast food place cause he has no skills...but if the fucking shoe fits, my guy. 🙄

[mountainhaunt]

top 10 bands/artists let's goooo. i was tagged by @findusinaweek (bless you) so here's a loosely ordered list.

1) Hoppipolla. i could, can and have written literally a 2k+ word review on Hoppipolla's second album that turned more into a love poem from me than anything. y'all really don't want me doing this here.

B U T suffice it to say this timy little korean indie melancholia quartet has touched my soul in ways nothing else has. a few of their songs mean more to me than most things in this world do.

also!! world renowned cellist!!! hong jinho!! in the group!! seriously gorgeous, poignant magic these four create together.

the best/worst part is they dropped into the world, released two 10/10 heart stopping albums and then vanished again as if it were nothing.

2) Radiohead. i heard 'in rainbows' for the first time when i was 15 and it's what started me down the road of truly loving music and not just listening to it. radiohead is my baby and were my number one until hoppipolla came along a few years ago. ive been lucky enough to see them twice in concert and both experiences changed my dna i swear.

3) the Mountain Goats. the goats are like placebo in that i couldn't listen to them for a long time because of His Voice and i know that's like a trope at this point.

that was back in high school. now, john darnielle is hands down my favorite songwriter of all time and i unironically love his voice. no one writes lyrics and tells a story like he can and i constantly find myself turning to their music.

4) The Postal Service. death cab for cutie? eh, not bad, but can take or leave. ben gibbard + dntel? masterpiece.

their one and only album, give up, is my number one favorite album of all time and as much as i love it/them, i am SO glad they didn't release another. nothing could compare. anything that tried would only cheapen the debut album.

5) Hozier. i want to lay in the moss and cry and fall in love with a sweet lil cottagecore girl and i get to do that every time i listen to a hozier song

6) My Chemical Romance. my first loves. i was OBSESSED as a teen when they debuted and will still defend their honor today. although suddenly they've become really popular and not something for middle school bullies to pick on me for, so... defense unnecessary.

7) Margot & the Nuclear So and So's. they are so dreary and melancholy and nostalgic and gorgeous. i came across them by accident in high school because i was obsessed with the name margot, saw their name somewhere and immediately went home to totally not pirate them and see what they were about. "my baby (shoots her mouth off)" is one of the songs i send people when i talk about having bipolar, lol. the other being "lovecraft in brooklyn" by the goats.

they just evoke a special kind of feeling that is hard to replicate, and it transports me somewhere when i listen.

8) Erasure. i didn't know they even existed until i moved in with my partner and now i feel like every older queer ive ever met over the course of my life who didn't introduce me to them failed me, honestly

9) Modest Mouse. 'the moon and antarctica' came into my life around the same time 'in rainbows' did and also furthered my realization that music was to be experienced and not just heard. i never get tired of them (except strangers to ourselves. i listened to that album 3/4 of the way through one time and never touched it again sorry)

10) Rammstein. i love the drama!! i love the ferocity!! i love the taboo!! and they are also the reason i studied german so they deserve a spot here.

i'm still getting this account off the ground and haven't really chatted with many of you so im afraid to tag anyone lmao but obviously feel free to do this if you see it

[hesitantvampirealien]

🍁 queer asks 🍁

Queer themed asks

🍁 - When did you first realize you were queer?

Short answer: i started to kind of figure myself out at 12 years old when i thought i was a gay boy and then kind of "polished" my identity as i grew older, with some trouble but at the end, it was worth it

Longer answer but quite entertaining, in my opinion. I actually enjoy quite a lot to talk about my self discovery processes and my self acceptance when it comes to gender and orientation for other queer related parts of my life because i want other people to see it and feel like someone understands what they're suffering with. (so everyone feel free to send more of these)

💛 The thing is that i actually had multiple realizations, all of them very different in many aspects, i tried to talk about all of them here.

🤍When i was around 13, i figured out i liked guys. It was kinda sudden? like, suddenly i just had this realization. "i think i like guys". It was like, in the bus too, when i was going home from school. Random as hell

💜I did think i was just a gay boy, my mom really wanted to believe it was just that and nothing else, she was the kind that would defend that children can be whatever they want and wear whatever they want regardless of gender, EXCEPT if it was me, she HATED it when i did it. To her, it was "fine" to have a gay son, but not a faggot. She forced me to believe that i needed to make up for it by being as masculine as possible, and that really hurt me...

🖤My body is unresponsive to testosterone and i have breasts (gynecomastia) so i felt inferior to every other man around me. I wanted to be big, buff, fat, hairy like every other normal man. I didn't like to look like a fucking pre-teen or a girl. I still don't. But i blamed myself, i hated myself for it and blamed my gender and my body. I was fully convinced i was just a gay guy because i didn't like she/her or being seen as a girl and i disliked feminine clothes. I didn't know that gender wasn't so strict like that. Realizing my body didn't respond do T was really painful for me.

💛I always felt like gender was something like this:

🤍i didn't know that gender was, essentially, like this:

💜and one day i started to read more about it. It was.. an experience. I probably didn't quite get it as much as i wish i did.

🖤Until one day after hurting myself so much and so often, i gave up. The first part of my most valuable part of my self discovery, which was when i bought my first gloves. A pair of fishnet gloves. And i would wear them everywhere. They comforted me because they were "forgivable" in my mom's standards.

💛Until it grew into painting my nails. And then wearing chokers, and then wearing makeup, dyeing my hair, letting my hair grow out, wearing wigs, wearing shorts and stockings and crop tops. And about not liking feminine things, i had figured out that what i didn't like was cute "kawaii" aesthetic and not just feminine things in general

🤍So in a way, what really broke me free from this binary thing was letting myself be emo lol

💜I can't point out exactly when i found out i was non binary, because i think that discovery just... came. I think it just came to me one day, and figuring that out felt like i was set free. I didn't ask for my body to be the way it is. Gerard also helped me a lot, but i'll leave that part for another day or this will get way too long.

🖤My mom hated it. Hated so much. But i wasn't gonna conform anymore, i was tired. I became stubborn. And maybe that was a good thing. This is my type of manliness. This makes me feel like a guy. Painting my nails, wearing makeup, that feels manly to me in my own way, and it feels nice to finally see myself as a man for once. A non conforming man? yes, but i don't care. Who still cares about "conventionally attractive"? Who cares about conventional white cishet masculinity? That's boring.

💛Then this year i figured out i'm aromantic and demisexual (bi/pan) and it felt like a weight being litfed off my shoulders. That felt nice.

🤍since i made a parallel to colors, here's some color that i felt like matches how i perceive my gender somehow

[volcanocraft]

cw: night terrors, distressed language, and post-traumatic stress

These posts may not be very interesting or informative but i like writing them. I haven’t ruminated on this part of my life in that much detail before the last post on it. I don’t know many people with night terrors so heres my personal experience with them.

I am unable to pinpoint when it started. maybe two years ago and it has gotten more volatile since then. i would wake up in a cold sweat (literally drenched) feeling afraid of something, my body kicked into hypervigilance, but not being able to figure out what im even scared of. Its a weird feeling because you feel simultaneously silly and exasperated and shocked no one is doing something all at once. i can recall some parts of my terrors as soon as i wake up but lose the thread hours later. i know that the theme of these dreams usually repeat in different scenarios but i legitimately don’t think it should cause me the distress it does. my dreams do not resemble the flashbacks i experience when im awake and thats where i’m like whats going on dude

I was not the one who found out about these terrors. looking back, i probably had some sort of idea but was never sold on it. I regularly share a bed with a friend and they’re the one who told me that I was very distressed in my sleep.

Often I will scream or cry-yell, unfortunately loud enough that I wake up my friend and my dog. Other times i’m upset but coherent. I legitimately don’t know what I say in these instances and have to be told them. That’s probably the most embarrassing part of this whole thing because it's always stuff like "fuck off! get off of me! I'm scared." or "get away from me. please just stop" or "why can’t you just listen?” and even typing this out makes me feel so fucking lame HAHA because i really am okay the morning after

This has never personally concerned me. The only time I’ve seriously considered it as a problem is when it becomes physical. I flail, toss and turn, and all that good stuff in my sleep. On occasion I will have a violent dream that causes me to start kicking or punching or jump out of bed. sometimes i will not recognize whose beside me and start freaking out and try to defend myself. Other times I’ll bang my head on the wall or kick it and have been known to punch or fight the wall, which is kind of funny, but i do end up having a sore foot or hand because of it

i think it comes in waves. for a while I had them track me and have been doing really well. three weeks ago I suddenly started again, and it’s been happening practically every night since then, save one or two days. I’m not medicated for my parasomnia specifically, my doctors don’t take it seriously and I’m tired of pushing it. Again, I do not think it’s that big of a deal. I have been waking up distressed for a long time now and I’ve come to terms with having the same sorts of dreams over and over again. It sucks but it doesnt impact me in noticeable ways other than getting consistent rest. It very much sounds worse on paper and I’ve been doing mentally very well recently. it’s probably a side effect of my mental disorder and the symptom i care about the least. My friend has encouraged me to speak to the professional i see weekly (I don’t know how to describe her, she does social work by trade). if this goes anywhere ill be very surprised and then whatever man I suppose owe you 50 bucks. the end

[ohc-and-the-music-tapes-archive]

Out of curiosity, what made you continue supporting/being a fan of Julian? Not to immediately say it’s wrong for you to do this, I’m just interested in why.

Hi, this might be a long and personal answer so I’ll try to boil down essentials here and put the rest under the cut.

First of all, I haven’t fully decided yet, I’m still figuring out how it makes me feel, this is based on knowledge and experiences at this very moment and maybe something will happen and change my mind. I don't expect anyone to feel the same way or even understand it and I'm aware that my reasons are purely selfish, and after four years of following the situation I'm just too tired and dead inside to care anymore. [EDIT: my grief is still in the denial stage and I'm taking it at the pace that is safe for me]

That said - as an "uncool weirdo" myself, I was finding Julian as a great inspiration, in life and art. For me, even after all of that, his art still feels like it used to - and for me, it is great comfort and inspiration, the first thing I encountered since I was a kid that made me feel seen, understood and gave me a place to belong. Without exaggeration - it changed and probably saved my life. It is not something I can discard lightly and since I'm having a challenging time, I need that comfort and distraction that being a fan brings. I just cannot afford to lose this right now. <<< TLDR

The second thing is, at this point, I just don't like Nesey and can't help it but I don't trust things she's saying. I've been following her for some time, read some things and saw what people who know them irl now and knew them then had to say about it. She's been doing quite a lot of questionable things, apparently was dating adults before him. I'm not saying that I don't believe her, there is probably truth there. I just don't trust her intentions and see a lot of manipulations and unreasonable things from her side and find it hard to keep up with changing versions of her claims. I'm aware that I'm biased and that affects my judgement here so I won't elaborate on that.

Thirdly, I'm not defending him, I know that was wrong of him to do but I can't help it, my brain literally brushes over it. I guess because of my personal experiences, I find it somehow easier to see Julian's side regarding this relationship and believe that it could be a mistake rather than malicious intent. I never was in that kind of relationship or any other inappropriate one, and for every individual case it would be different but: I always had friends and acquaintances that were all ages and was brought up in an environment where it didn't really matter. I'm very much age-blind and many times found myself realising some of my friends and acquaintances were very different ages than I thought (yes, also mistaking minors for adults, even if I knew them for years). I knew many teens who were more mature than I ever will. I know happy couples with similar age gaps, some of which, it was the younger person who initiated the relationship. I'm a few years younger than Nesey so I have some understanding of how "times changed", how perception around situations like this changed and how people might not seen it as a big issue at the time (if I read that correctly, grooming as a term didn't exist yet back then so awareness was probably low; like, I had no idea about such thing till this). On the other hand, from the lack of similarities in experiences and probably in approach to life, I cannot comprehend Nesey's. There is a problem? Fix it or forget it. People who wronged me? Fuck them, out of sight, out of mind (this isn't a switch, of course, but that's the goal and I find actively holding grudges as a waste of energy). Unless we're still friends, I have no idea what my exes or former acquaintances are doing, and that definitely doesn't mean we "abandoned" or have any obligations to each other. I see absolutely no good reason for "solving" it publicly, especially on social media, if the other person is not using it and instead involving people (like me and you right now) who should not be a part of that at all.

Lastly, there is also part of me that asks "What do you expect now?" Because an outrage and cancellation for the sake of it is kind of useless? Like, he can't go back in time and undo it; he was apologising and supporting Nesey and her family (this is based on what I could gather from things she and the others who know them irl posted online) but, of course, she does have every right to still be angry and feel that it is not enough. And I don't think whatever he would do ever would be enough (and she has every right to feel that). But (once again, I'm aware this is selfish) his work helped me a lot and he can still bring some good into the world - and I personally find in that greater value than in making him disappear forever just so people can pretend that the problem disappeared too.

[mage-propaganda]

This might be a controversial post to make but…

Does any other mid/high supports needs, or low functioning, individual ever feel unsupported by disabled/mentally ill communities? Like, I feel like I get spoken over and looked down on a ton by people who are low supports needs/high functioning.

I mean, it’s really noticeable to me in the autism community. It feels sometimes like the only people who are visible are high functioning individuals. They definitely have a place in this community, I’m not saying they don’t or aren’t valid or whatever. But I’ve had conversations in which I’ve been dogpilled for calling myself low functioning, or where I’ve had to really defend autism being considered a medical disorder (instead of being demedicalized) from high-functioning people, who won’t even listen to the issues it causes me half of the time. And if you don’t experience much in the way of issues, or need much in the way of support - that’s fine! I’m glad for you, but goodness am I tired about talking about how difficult it can be to get proper accommodations, or how difficult some of the symptoms can make just functioning in every day life, just for Susie Functions Fine to come around and look down on me for it.

I’ve noticed this in physically disabled communities. I’ve gotten, like, “oh, you can’t drive? My cousin has seizures and she can drive fine.”. Which is great for them, but I can’t. Like, I’ve literally been called less Valuable as a person…not (just) by abled people, but by other disabled people who just happened to be able to function better than I can with that specific disability. Chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, and the like. It just feels very tiring not only being disabled, but being lower functioning when it feels like a large chunk of your own communities are against you for…being impacted by your own disabilities.

Idk. I’ve heard a lot over lower functioning/high support needs individuals talk about this anymore, but sometimes it feels like I’m alone here. This week in particular it’s been rather tiring.

[gaslightgirlsummer]

i just saw a tiktok with people defending j*s verstappen in the comments, justifying his abuse with max winning the wdcs. now, i don’t care if you love max or hate max or anything in between. you’re entitled to your own opinion. but no matter where you stand, all of this is fucked up. now, i’m going to go on a little rant here with references to some personal experiences, cw for references to child abuse, so don’t read further if you don’t want to

between the media painting jos’ abuse as “tough love”, fans defending jos because max won the championship, and that part of the GQ interview where max is desperately trying to prove to the journalist that he was not abused, i’m so sick of shit like this. these excuses, this false narrative, this is why child abuse still gets a pass in sports and life in general, why children can’t come to terms with the fact that they were in fact abused. i’m so tired of justifying child abuse time and time again through the children’s success later in life, because the abuse allegedly made them tougher, more independent or more ambitious or whatever the hell the reasoning is. i don’t care. it’s never going to be justified i come from a family that had unhealthily high academic expectations for me my entire life and zero tolerance for not meeting them. only now am i starting to truly accept that i’ve been verbally and emotionally abused by my mother for most of my life, because only now i have the people around me to help and the language to be able to recognise and name signs of that abuse. i look at the situation with max and jos and i can see clear my situation in a mirror. my mother was, thankfully, never physically abusive, but when i see max mention things he struggled with and jos rolling his eyes, when i hear max trying to defend his actions because “it helped him build character”, when i see people saying jos’ behaviour was fine, actually, because thanks to him max has a wdc, it hurts. it hurts because there i see my mother rolling her eyes and ignoring me when i tell her i’m too ill and tired to go to school, i hear myself defending my mother saying i have a strong ethic now thanks to her, i see people saying that if it weren’t for how my mother raised me i wouldn’t be even half successful as i am now. things like this are why it took me so long to acknowledge what was going on. and it’s still not easy. and it’s not just me. it’s so invalidating and i can guarantee that hundreds, thousands of children and now-adults who have gone through abuse feel like this too. how people approach child abuse that has been made so public and so general-knowledge speaks volumes of how child abuse is approached in everyday life. and people need to fucking do better. everyone needs to do better, stop justifying child abuse, stop defending abusers, start creating environments where people can heal from their abuse and fee themselves of their abusers. i don’t ask for much. just to be decent people with some empathy, who care more about a person’s health than their success. i still struggle with doing that for myself, even on good days, but i try to do it for others. and if that means repeating all of this over and over again whenever i see jos verstappen’s face, i will. max deserves better than this, i deserve better than this. we all deserve better. 

[nightfallsystem]

Hey, I’m a transgender adult who, despite a lifetime of dysphoria and self-hatred, didn’t realise I wasn’t cis until I was in my late twenties, and then stayed in the closet for another eight years because what if I lost my husband, what if I lost my friends, what if I lost my job, what if someone threw acid in my face…

I had a mental breakdown because it was all too much but I’m still here now just a few months from my 38th birthday. My (formerly cishet) husband has stayed with me every step of the way, he tells people he’s in love with my soul so it doesn’t matter what I look like or call myself, and that two people who love each other transcends gender or labels. He proudly calls me his husband now and would defend me with his dying breath.

My family have welcomed me with open arms, my brothers just laughed and said I had always been the most macho sibling anyway, my Mum marches in her local Pride parade and knits me trans flag sweaters.

My friends say they love me even more now because I’m really me and I’m happy all the time, they don’t have to worry about me anymore and that watching me blossom and thrive has been a beautiful experience.

My work added gender neutral bathrooms and fought with HR to allow me to change my name before I had the official documentation. I work with children with learning disabilities and they have adjusted to my new name and pronouns in a way which is truly humbling, and will defend the fact that I’m ‘not a girl’ to anyone who suggests otherwise. A six year old told me that he’s going to be “a big strong man” like me one day- I’m 5’3 and weigh 130lbs. Two kids at school have come out as queer.

I don’t pass as anything, at all, but nobody who knows me has ever used the wrong pronouns or name, and has happily included me as one of the boys in everything I do- including letting me use the mens changing rooms on swimming days and inviting me to pool night and beers. Coming out has shown me that people are okay, people will care and will stand up for you.

I don’t want to take hormones for various reasons but my husband and my mum are helping me save for top surgery, which I should be able to access in a few years, and I have a strong network of supportive queer friends.

Things are tough, life fucking sucks right now, it feels like the whole world is going to shit. But if you survive, if you persevere, if you live life as your authentic self, the only thing you’ll lose is stuff that didn’t benefit you anyway. It’s cheesy to say “it gets better” but I promise, it does. Fighting all the time is hard, but it’s worth it, and you will get to a place where the suffering seems far away.

I am ALWAYS here if you need someone to talk to, feel free to message me any time. Hang in there, friend, I’m rooting for you even if it feels like no-one else is.

Love,

Arthur Xx

THIS MEANS A LOT TO ME. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH. i love hearing your story it really gives me hope,, id say more but im really tired,, but THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

[seannesruins]

I'm so used to being on my own that compromises feel suffocating. I'm not sure if OA lang ako or what but I while I miss my girlfriend, I also miss being alone.

I miss eating out without having to order white rice. I miss splurging on fancy restaurants, eating overpriced pasta paired with an overpriced cup of coffee in Makati CBD, the extra greasy Pizza in Poblacion that my friends and I eat on the streets after downing 3k on cocktails and a mix of booze. I miss getting wasted that I tripped on my 3 inch heels and sprained my ankle for a week.

I'm so tired of spending 1k on Filipino food. (No hate but my dad cooks Filipino food everyday. I want to spend money on something I don't get to try everyday.)

I miss watching movies in the cinemas. Granted, I have 5 active streaming subscriptions (Netflix, Disney+, Prime Video, HBO Go, and JuanFlix) but there's still something special with the old SM Cinema's busted seats, and Ayala Cinema's busted speakers. I miss the crowd's gasps in between scenes. I miss seeing couples on a date, holding each other tight in the dark, those two senior citizens who finally had their schedules match after decades and decided to watch Poor Things. I miss catching glimpses of celebrities when the lights turn on after the credits roll, like how I fangirl over Erik Matti after catching the screening of Buybust. I miss the big screen, seeing Cillian Murphy's piercing eyes on IMAX.

There's something special about the cinema experience that home streaming just can't suffice. I love cuddling with my girl but I'm so tired of it being over a Filipino mainstream film. I want our popcorn filled hands to hold over shitty seats that won't recline over a European black comedy.

I miss having my nails longer, painted in gray or tan or even red at times.

I miss wearing lipstick.

I miss having my hair side shaved.

I miss listening to weird underground music, or heartbreaking songs without it being translated as me being unhappy but simply because I just liked the song.

I miss talking to other people, without being doubted.

I miss going to events, even though I'll be there alone and I'll mostly lurk in the background. I just love being immersed somewhere, anywhere.

I miss not having to defend myself over the smallest things, as if I'm always on trial.

I miss the time when I didn't feel like I have to lose a part of myself just to be loved. I miss not having to compromise the things that I want to fit someone's definition of love.

I miss the time when this is just a post of my own personal thoughts. Because now, when she sees this, she would translate this as me being unhappy with our relationship.

I just miss breathing, and it feels like I haven't been doing that for a while now.

I just miss being treated like the princess for once. I miss being told to dress up. I miss the fancy meals, the flowers, the movies.

Am I asking for too much?

But I am in love so I could never ask for any of this.

So I'll wait for her to be home. We'll order another rice meal, watch Netflix and chill.

And hope that eventually I stop asking myself for the life I used to have.