#it's been an extremely painful and stationary 5 years.

[giantkillerjack]

You shouldn't get a wheelchair, walker, cane, shower chair, or any kind of assistive technology mobility aid because then you might become dependent on them. Just like how you also shouldn't get glasses if you have bad eyesight because then you might become dependent on those.

For instance, if you end up stuck using corrective eyewear, you could actually lose your ability to tell what things are even when they are extremely blurry! You need to get used to having migraines from seeing unclearly because if you wear glasses all the time, you are basically giving up!! You don't need to see things coming at you from far away! You just need to get good at dodging, and if you can't, then you have no one to blame but yourself!!

For example, I read a really heart-worming article recently about a girl who was stuck using glasses - just absolutely, tragically trapped in her eyewear from dawn to dusk, even though she was good and never ever complained; and I heard she trained herself to discern the blurry faces of her loved ones with 60% accuracy! - she was even able to walk down the aisle at her wedding WITHOUT forcing the discomfort of seeing a woman in glasses on all her guests!!

Sure, she had to give her vows with a splitting headache, and she couldn't see her husband's expression when he said "I do," but overall, SO inspi-ration-al!!! So up-lifting!!

(She didn't even have to use a seeing eye cane, which would have been the worst-case scenario, obviously, because she worked hard to make sure she looked LESS disabled, not MORE disabled!!! Everyone knows blind people exist solely to be a cautionary tale to sighted people!!)

Also, did you know some people get glasses when they only need them a little bit?? How selfish of them! Sure, there's not a shortage, and an increase in demand would result in overall increased accessibility to glasses--but emotionally it's like taking glasses away from someone who needs them more! After all, if everyone who needed glasses got them, then...... um...... more people would have glasses! Which is probably bad!!!!

I also had a friend who was trapped in glasses who saved up all her money for laser eye surgery, and I don't know why everyone doesn't just do that! Sure, some doctors say some people don't "qualify" and it "won't help" those people, but that's why you can't give up!! You don't want to be one of those people!

After all, what's the worse thing that could happen with an unnecessary laser surgery to the face that comes with crippling debt??? It's worth the risk to gain your FREEDOM back, and I'm so proud of my friend!!

Tragically, she did die later that year while driving Uber and squinting at street signs, but at least now I know my friend is finally free from the shackles of her terrible eyesight. #ripAshley #rippedAshley #justripit 😌😌😌❤😇😇😇

And that's why you shouldn't get used to using a mobility aid!! Because, like glasses, they are inherently embarrassing to be seen with; and - like glasses - it is more noble to suffer silently than to depend on unnatural technologies that force you to rely on them; AND - just like glasses - by abstaining from using them, you DEFINITELY benefit SO many people in tangible life-changing ways!!! (Besides, everyone else will be so much more comfortable if you just look normal! 😊)

I hope you learned something today. 💖

[theramseyloft]

Diet

Woooo, is this subject ever a pain in my ass for something so simple...

There is just... SO much misinformation out there, from sources that should otherwise be credible.

So let me set the record straight as a specialist in the care of pigeons:

Pigeons are strict granivores. 

They can’t digest any part of a plant but seeds.

No leafy greens. No stems. No roots, no tubers, no bulbs, no flowers... 

ESPECIALLY not the fruit!!!

They can neither taste nor process the sugar!

Nothing but seeds.

Not even as a treat.

Vets often suggest greens and fruit and florets for literally every companion bird, going off the parrot template.

If a small animal (non-farm) vet gets to see a companion bird, you can reliably wager that it’s either a psittacine or finch, and win that bet most of the time.

Hardly any one ever brings pigeons to a vet.

Breeders consider it cheaper to kill the sick ones than try to find out what’s wrong with them, and pigeons as companion birds are still extremely niche.

The only way to change this is for people with pet pigeons to bring them to their vet like they would a cat, dog, rabbit, or other pet for regular check ups so that a base line can be established before that animal gets ill.

The more vets provided with base lines of healthy pigeons, the more accurately they will be able to treat pet pigeons.

Parrots in captivity that are fed the fruit and nut heavy diet that most species eat in the wild will develop fatty liver disease and die very young.

Wild parrots fly for MILES every day to forage that sugar and fat rich diet, which fuels their long foraging flights.

Their diet is adapted to their lifestyle, and their lifestyle is adapted to their diet, as is the case with most species.

Parrots have only been captive bred for the last 70 or so years. The larger species take up to 5 to sexually mature, and can live into their 70′s or 80′s

We have been breeding them in captivity for less than the lifetime of a single healthy individual.

Parrots simply have not had the time to physiologically adapt to the utterly sedentary life they live as human house pets.

We take these birds built for a high stamina nomadic lifestyle supported by a diet high in fat and sugar, and have them live most of their lives in a single room.

To keep them alive, we have had to make up for their lack of opportunity to adapt their physiology by adapting their captive diet to this drastic change in their life style.

Even finches (primarily seed and insect eaters, mostly) are usually kept in such extreme confinement that their captive diet has needed to be modified to avoid being dragged to an early grave by a fatty liver.

Pigeons were the first birds humanity domesticated. 

Even before chickens.

About the time camels were domesticated; in the dawn of agriculture and stationary settlements.

What made them easy to domesticate was that, being desert/scrubland birds, seed was the diet they were already adapted to.

It was easy enough to share enough grain with them to make living in a dovecote worth while.

In exchange, humans got some of the most nutritious fertilizer known to man to this day.

Being picky about what kind of seed you eat isn’t beneficial of a desert bird, and wild rock doves already adjusted the volume of their feed intake with the natural fluctuation of seed availability through out the year; eating more when they had to fly further afield to find it, and needing to eat less per foraging trip when there was enough nearby that they didn’t have to range as far.

Because adjusting their food intake according to how close and plentiful food was already came naturally to rock doves, the only transition in the development of domestic pigeons was that food would always be close and plentiful.

Pigeons have had THOUSANDS of years to adapt to not having to fly nearly so far to find enough to eat in human care as their rock dove ancestors did in the wild.

Here is the basic break down of nutritional requirements for racing homers (the breed that serves as the base line for domestic pigeons), according to Avian Medicine: Principles and Applications. Ritchie, Harrison and Harrison;

Pet shops are starting to sell dove and pigeon diets now, lots of which would make decent bases, but still need extra protein or fat added.

There are also lots of wild bird blends that make good bases.

I used to love royal wing Classic Mix from TSC, as it was easily accessible, but it needs a lot added to it, and that can get pretty expensive.

Chewy sells an excellent diet designed for pigeons breeding and performing: https://www.chewy.com/versele-laga-classic-pigeon-food/dp/259128 , which is what we order for the flock now.

But for a house pet or two, it’s often easier and less expensive to mix your own blend.

Pigeons can eat pretty much any whole (in the hull) seed that they can comfortably swallow.

Birds that are performing, raising peeps, or under weight need all the fat and protein they can get, so lots of dried legumes for protein (Mung beans, lentils, and split green peas are favorites), millet (fatty and high protein, especially easy to digest), safflower seeds, and black oil sunflower seeds (rich in oil and extremely fatty).

Non-breeding House pets tend not to need as much fat, so their feed should be higher grain like wheat, barley, and oats with lower fatty or high protein seeds.

The more confined the bird (unless the bird is sick or healing from an injury), the less fat it needs in its diet.

So the owners of a pet or two are free and encouraged to experiment with their blends.

Most pigeon’s can’t comfortably swallow striped sunflower seeds, so keep your selection below that in size.

Chopped up tree nuts or peanuts are an EXTREMELY high fat treat (think pigeon cheese cake) and should be given *very* sparingly.

Chia seeds have a very high caffeine content and need to be avoided.

Other than that, you can experiment with any grain, legume, or other seed small enough for them to swallow, provided nutritional parameters are maintained.

Do not used hulled seeds!

The hull is important, not because they can digest cellulose, but because they can’t. (which is why they can’t process any part of a plant except the seed)

The hulls of seeds they eat make up the vast bulk of solid fecal matter and act as vital dietary fiber.

That pigeons need grit to grind down food in their gizzard is a myth.

They need it to obtain dietary minerals, and that distinction is a matter of life and death.

Avoid the starter chick grit for chickens, and the charcoal grit for song birds, as these are both made with a base of Granite, which is made by leeching the calcium out of lime stone. 

Galliformes need granite grit because it won’t break down in their gizzard, where they use it as a mechanical aid to grind food.

That’s exactly what makes granite based grit a serious intestinal impaction risk for a columbiform like our domestic pigeons.

Because what they need grit for is dietary minerals, it’s important that their grit dissolve in the gizzard to be absorbed by the small intestine.

Hens will lay eggs with or with out a cock, and the cock also has a skeleton to maintain, so calcium supplements are a necessity.

Hens and breeding cocks can also get salt deficient from both producing eggs and feeding peeps.

My breeding flock has Oyster Shell grit offered free choice and free access to a salt and mineral brick for horses.

It is generally safest to assume that a new pigeon has not been adequately supplemented, because birds who have not will gorge on grit and salt to their detriment.

Pigeons deficient enough t crave it can poison themselves overdosing on salt. Salt poisoning is nearly always fatal!!! so do not ever offer pigeons any kind of salt based grit in a loose, granular form.

I use the salt and mineral brick because their beaks are not hard enough and they do not have sufficient bite strength to get large enough quantities off of the brick to sicken themselves before the craving for that mineral is satisfied.

A single indoor pet can be given one of the little salt/mineral wheels for hamsters.

Calcium deficient pigeons craving grit can impact their crops gorging on it.

As stated earlier, my loft birds have free choice access to oyster shell grit next to their feed.

To prevent new birds form gorging dangerously on it, a tiny pinch is sprinkled over their meals every morning during their 4 week quarantine.

By the time quarantine ends, they are not deficient, and will not be craving grit ravenously enough to hurt themselves on it.

Bon appetite to your sweet cooey friends and house mates. ^v^

[teacupfulofstarshine]

living in the real world (ain’t it fun) CHAPTER 7

cw: detailed panic attack, almost car accident, injury, fighting, unsympathetic behaviors

wordcount: ~3.3k

chapter 1 // chapter 2 // chapter 3 // chapter 4 // chapter 5 // chapter 6 // read it on ao3!

Thomas wrenches the steering wheel to the side as hard as he possibly can. He’s personally amazed that it doesn’t break off. Shouts and screams echo from the backseat as the other three jerk awake. “What’s happening?!” Roman shrieks. Thomas feels his hands ache from the strength with which he grips the wheel and the other sides grip the seats and each other.  

“GET OUT OF THE ROAD GET OUT OF THE ROAD GET OUT OF THE FUCKING ROAD!” the voice shrieks, and Thomas’s panic jumps through the roof like a spear through his chest. He turns the wheel so hard that the car slides sideways with a screech of tires and the scent of burning rubber.

“PULL OVER!” 

Thomas manages to guide the car onto the shoulder and narrowly avoids crashing into the guard rail. He’s amazed that his car is still intact. He can hear all three of his sides breathing heavily in the back seat, and he twists around immediately. “Are you guys okay?!” 

Logan is clinging to Roman’s arm, chest heaving, eyes wide. Roman is gripping Thomas’s headrest, and Patton has one hand braced on the ceiling and another braced on the window. “We’re okay,” Patton says shakily. “We’re still alive and kickin’!” 

“What happened?!” Logan demands. 

“THIS IDIOT THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO DRIVE WHILE SO EXHAUSTED HE CAN BARELY KEEP HIS GOD DAMN EYES OPEN! AND WE ALL ALMOST FUCKING DIED!” 

Thomas slowly swivels to look at his passenger seat, and all three of his sides follow suite. There, curled up on the passenger seat, is a young boy wearing a black hoodie that almost swallows him. His knees are pulled up to his chest, which is heaving up and down in perfect sync with Thomas’s. He makes eye contact with Thomas, and Thomas feels anxiety roar through his body so strongly that his vision nearly blacks out. 

“DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE?!” the boy screeches. His voice is so deep that it sounds bass-boosted, and his hands are shaking where he grips his arms. “WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?! WHY DIDN’T YOU LEAVE EARLIER?! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED YOURSELF, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN IN A COLLISION THAT WOULD HAVE KILLED EVERYONE IF ANOTHER DRIVER HAD BEEN ON THAT ROAD!”

Thomas is panicking, but he manages to keep noticing little things about whoever this is. His hair is dyed purple; Thomas had done that a few years ago, but it’s long since grown out. There are dark circles under his eyes, so thick and black that they look painted on. His hands move up to grip his hair, tugging so tightly that Thomas winces at the pain on his own scalp. His eyes are wide and wild with a purple gleam, and when Thomas glances at Patton his eyes and freckles are shining purple as well. 

“YOU’RE AN IDIOT!” the boy spits. “YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FUCKING - ”

“Language!” Patton says sternly - well, as sternly as he can when his voice is trembling. “I know you’re a little bit upset, kiddo, but there’s no need to swear!”

“A LITTLE BIT - WE ALMOST DIED!”

“Statistically speaking, you are overreacting,” Logan says, hands raised in a placating gesture. The boy just bristles even more. 

“FUCK YOUR STATISTICS! WE ALMOST BECAME A STATISTIC!”

“What are you doing here, you foul fiend?!” Roman snarls. Thomas hears the shing! of Roman drawing his sword. He watches as the boy’s eyes blow impossibly wider and he chokes back a short, terrified noise. The panic in Thomas’s chest spikes tenfold, and he thinks back to all of the terror that he’s felt every time he’s seen Roman’s sword. 

“SAVING YOUR SORRY ASS, PRINCEY!” the boy snaps. 

“I don’t need your help, you villain!” The boy hisses loudly at him, and Roman recoils in shock. 

��Who - who is this?” Thomas asks. “Wh - have you been here the whole time?” 

“We don’t need him, Thomas!” Roman says, cutting the boy off before he can speak. “He does nothing but bring you down and cause problems!” 

“He did just save our lives,” Logan says, but Roman shakes his head angrily and shoves his sword closer to the boy. Thomas feels the cold metal point press against his throat, and Roman frowns, rubbing his own throat as he pulls the sword back just enough so that it isn’t touching the boy’s skin. 

“This villain is nothing but a scourge and a menace, Thomas! I have been fighting him ever since he first appeared in your mind, and I was so glad that he did not manifest himself to spread his vile lies and negativity. But now I see that there is an opportunity here. We can kill him and rid you of his horrendous presence once and for all!” 

“That seems a little extreme -”

“I would not advise -”

“Roman, I think you’re taking it too -”

“No! I know what I am -” 

Before anyone can react, the door slams open and the boy throws himself out of the car and over the guardrail, disappearing into the forest. Thomas feels a horrible burning tug in his chest as the boy hits the twenty-foot distance limit. It pulses in his chest, like someone is slamming their fists on a wall. 

It’s a truly terrible feeling. 

“We have to go after him!” Roman says. “We can’t let him get away!” 

“He cannot get farther than twenty feet from us, Roman. We will not lose him in the forest.” 

“Kiddo?” A hand touches Thomas’s shoulder. “Are you okay?” 

Thomas turns around to face the three sides in the backseat. They’re all hyperventilating, just like him. Patton’s face and eyes shine purple, and Roman and Logan are practically at each other’s throats. Thomas feels sick to his stomach. 

“Who is that?” No one answers him; Thomas slams his hand on the headrest to get their attention. “Who is that?” 

“That is Anxiety,” Logan says quietly. “He is your fight-and-flight response, your stress reactions, your - your anxiety, to put it simply. He appeared around high school, which may be why he looks so young.” 

Thomas blinks. “Why did you all yell at him?” 

“He’s a villain! He’s the bad guy, Thomas, and I’m the prince! It’s my job to slay the dragons and defeat the villains and keep you safe!” 

“We can’t just kill him,” Thomas says. “I won’t let you kill him. He’s a kid, Roman! He looked even younger than Logan!” Logan looks oddly pleased at the idea that someone might be younger than him, but Roman quickly derails the conversation. 

“What are we supposed to do with him? Let him run rampant?” 

“I think we have to start by finding him. We can’t figure out what’s happening with him if we don’t talk to him, can we?” Roman pouts, but Thomas is firm in his decision. “Come on, you guys. We gotta go get him.” 

“Why don’t you try summoning him like you did with us?” Patton asks. Thomas tries, jerking his hand up and thinking about Anxiety, but he doesn’t come. 

“It’s not working,” he says. “He - we know you guys can resist the summons . . . he must not want to be found. I guess we’ll have to chase him down on foot.” 

Thomas has to crawl out the passenger side due to the way Anxiety is straining and pushing at the twenty-foot limit. The second Thomas closes the gap, even by a few inches, Anxiety is running forward again, pushing away from them as hard as he can. 

There’s a slim black shadow in the forest, disappearing and weaving between the trees. Thomas pulls out his phone and turns on the flashlight, but Anxiety is still too fast to be caught. “He’s your fight or flight reflexes,” Logan pants. “It makes sense that he would be fast.” 

No matter what Thomas does, he can’t seem to catch up with Anxiety. His chest is burning with pain, not only from Anxiety pushing against the barrier but also from the panic attack in his chest and his lungs painfully trying to take in enough oxygen. After about ten minutes, Logan catches Thomas’s sleeve. 

“Thomas, stop!” 

“Wh - what? Why would we do that?” 

“How are we supposed to catch that little rat if we stop running?!” Roman demands. Logan has his hands on his knees, bent over and panting. Patton all but collapses to the ground, wheezing; even Roman has a sheen of sweat on his face. 

“Anxiety is one of Thomas’s sides, just like us. We know that he is bound by the same twenty-foot radius of distance that we are. As long as Thomas keeps moving, Anxiety will be able to keep moving. If we keep Thomas stationary in one place, Anxiety will have a limited range of motion, and we will catch him more easily.” 

Thomas sits down on the ground, breathing heavily and leaning forward with his hands on his knees. “If I don’t have to move, I’m down.” 

“The three of us should fan out,” Logan begins, but Thomas quickly begins shaking his head. 

“No, no - guys, don’t - don’t all of you go, I - the limit is already burning - one of you stay, at least, please.” Patton sits up and opens his mouth, but Thomas touches his shoulder. “No, Pat, you should definitely go, you’re - you’re friend-shaped. You’re the least threatening of all of us. He’ll react best to you.” 

“I will go as well,” Roman says. Someone must be able to vanquish the villain if he springs an attack!” Logan settles down next to Thomas. 

“That is fair. I will sit here and try to talk Thomas through some breathing exercises to reduce anxiety.” Patton and Roman nod, dispersing quickly into the woods, and Logan reaches out to place a hand on Thomas’s chest. “Alright. Breathe in through your nose for four counts, hold your breath for seven seconds, and exhale forcefully through your mouth for eight seconds, like you are blowing out birthday candles.” 

Thomas follows his breathing pattern, in and out and in and out, but his breathing stays quick and shallow and the ball of anxiety in his chest stays tight and knotted and mangled. “I appreciate it, Lo, but I don’t think this is gonna ease up until we find him.” 

“Most likely.”

“What’s it like, when you guys are all . . . in here?” Thomas taps his forehead. Logan sighs. 

“Anxiety has his purpose in your mind, as do Roman and Patton and I. As I’ve said, he handles your fight-or-flight reflexes, and he is responsible for your suspicion of things that are not exactly on the up and up. However, he has a tendency to go . . . overboard. He and Roman butt heads frequently because Roman sees him as an impediment to achieving what you want in life.” 

“Is that why I felt so bad that night at the bar? They were fighting?”

“Yes. They do that frequently.” 

“What do you and Patton think about him?” 

“Patton sees him as a child that needs to be pacified, which may not be inherently false. He does have a tendency to throw . . . tantrums. I attempt to reassure him with facts and explanations, but he has a tendency to respond with less than optimal results. He has hissed many a time.” 

“Have you guys ever just talked to him?” 

“We try. He is not always receptive.” 

Thomas frowns, but before he can speak again, a shrill scream echoes through the woods, and the terror spikes. Logan winces, gripping his chest and breathing heavily. “Oh, ow . . .” 

“Who was that?” 

“It was not Patton or Roman,” Logan says. 

“Why doesn’t that make me feel better?” The trees and branches around them rustle, and Thomas jerks his head up. He struggles to his feet, pressing one hand over his pounding heart as Logan stands beside him. His phone flashlight turns toward the source of the noise, and it illuminates Patton, popping through the underbrush with stray leaves and sticks and debris sticking to his hair and his sweater. still glowing purple. 

“Patton,” Logan sighs, relieved. “You don’t have Anxiety?” 

“Nope, I couldn’t find him. When I heard the scream, I came to check on you guys!”

“We’re alright.” Thomas reaches out to begin pulling leaf litter and detritus off of Patton and out of his hair. All three of them suddenly gasp in unison as searing pain cuts through their shoulders, their wrists, their ankles. 

“If - if you don’t have Anxiety,” Thomas pants, “then - then that means -” 

More rustling from the woods, and Thomas moves through the pain to light up Roman, grunting as he hoists a squirming black bundle up over his shoulders in a fireman’s carry. His sword hangs at his side, and he’s not wearing his red sash. 

“Finally caught up with him, the varmint!” Roman throws whatever he’s carrying down onto the ground, and Thomas gasps as the wind is knocked clean out of his lungs. His phone flashlight drops down, revealing the child from earlier - Anxiety. His wrists are tied together behind his back with Roman’s sash, and his legs are bent at the knee to pull his ankles up next to his wrists. The sash loops around his ankles as well; Anxiety is virtually hog-tied. His face is streaked with dirt and mud and tears. 

He struggles against his bonds, cursing loudly at Roman, who scoffs and nudges him with his boot so that he’s laying on his stomach. One foot presses against Anxiety’s upper back, between his shoulder blades, to pin him. Anxiety keeps wriggling, spitting curses at Roman with every breath he can get into his heaving chest. 

“Roman, what the fuck?!” 

“What? I caught him, like I said I would!” 

“Why is he hogtied on the ground?!” 

“To keep him from escaping, of course! He’s a villain!” 

“Roman, untie him right now!” Patton says. Roman scoffs, but Thomas steps forward, feeling the weight of Roman’s foot on his back. He squares his shoulders and lifts his head, frowning, narrowing his eyes. 

“Roman. Untie Anxiety, right now.” 

Roman scoffs, but he drops to one knee next to Anxiety anyway. “Fine, if I must .” He reaches to untie Anxiety. Anxiety narrows his eyes, lunges forward, and sinks his sharp teeth into Roman’s hand. Thomas, Patton, and Logan all wince and clutch their hands to their chest as the pain flares through them; Anxiety flinches from the pain, but he doesn’t let go.

“OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!” Roman screams. “Let me go, immediately!” Anxiety does not, digging his teeth into Roman’s hand even more. “You insolent brat - get off of me - I’m trying to help you!” Anxiety hisses as fiercely as he can with his mouth full of Roman’s hand. 

Part of Thomas thinks that Roman deserves it for what he’s done to Anxiety. A larger part of him thinks that he’s tired, and cold, and his jeans are damp from sitting in the grass. He’s in pain, and he wants to go home. Still pressing his hand against his chest, Thomas carefully kneels next to Anxiety. “Hey, there, buddy.” 

Anxiety’s eyes snap to him immediately, angry and hunted and wounded. There are angry, pained tears running down his face, smearing the dark circles down his face. He’s breathing heavily, Roman’s hand clenched tightly in his jaws. “It’s okay.” Thomas pitches his voice low and soothing, as though he’s talking to a wounded animal. 

“Wh - Thomas, what are you -” 

“I’ve got this, Roman.” Thomas reaches the non-injured hand forward and gently rests his hand on Anxiety’s head. “I know you’re scared, but I’m not gonna hurt you. I promise. I know you’ve been hurt, but I’m not going to hurt you any more. I know why you bit Roman, but it’s hurting all of us - it’s hurting me.” Anxiety looks guilty at that. “If you have the connection that the rest of us do, it’s hurting you, too, isn’t it?” 

Anxiety nods. “If you let Roman go, I’ll untie you and we’ll go home. Okay?” 

Anxiety narrows his eyes suspiciously, with another muffled hiss, before he finally unclenches his jaw and lets Roman’s hand go. Roman scrambles away from him towards Patton and Logan. Patton begins to fuss over Roman’s hand while Thomas reaches towards Anxiety. 

“Can I untie you, bud?” 

“Yeah,” Anxiety rasps. His voice is hoarse and terrified; this close, Thomas can see that there’s no way Anxiety is older than twelve. 

“Logan, can you come and hold the light over us for me?” 

“Certainly, Thomas.” Logan holds Thomas’s phone over Anxiety as Thomas gets to work on the knots. They’re strong, tightly tied, but they aren’t intricate, and Thomas is able to unknot them with ease. 

“I’m Thomas, by the way. This is Logan, and Roman and Patton are over there.” 

“I know who you are,” Anxiety says. “And I know who they are, too. We live in the same head. We have the same goal.”

“And what would that goal be?” Roman calls. 

“Helping you,” Anxiety says, looking at Thomas and no one else. Thomas quickly finishes untying Anxiety and gives the sash to Logan, taking his phone back. Logan takes the sash to Roman as Anxiety sits up, rubbing at his sore wrists and ankles. 

“Are you okay?” he asks. Anxiety flinches away from him, curling in on himself like a wounded wolf. 

“I’m fine. I’m sorry that I hurt you. You guys can go home now. I’ll stay hidden within the twenty-foot radius, and you won’t have to see me again. Sorry for all the trouble, or whatever.” Anxiety looks small and vulnerable, nothing like the dangerous villain Roman’s been painting him as. 

“Great! Well, now that that’s all sorted -”

“Roman, no,” Thomas says. He offers a hand to Anxiety, who hisses loudly at him. 

“What the fuck are you doing?!” he snaps. Something in Thomas breaks a little, because for all the show Anxiety is putting on, his fear and heartbreak is singing loud and clear in Thomas’s mind. 

“I knew you were there the whole time. Even if we couldn’t see you, even if I didn’t know who you were exactly, I knew you were there. I felt that you were there. How long have you been here?” 

“Since the beginning,” Anxiety mutters. “I manifested with the rest of them, but I hid the entire time. I know I can be difficult and all that. Wouldn’t wanna spoil your perfect fairy tale.” Roman looks guilty when Anxiety says that. 

“You’ve been hiding alone the whole time? But - but it’s been so long, you - wh - how -”

“It’s fine.” Anxiety shrugs. “I’m used to being ignored and badmouthed. It’s not like it’s any different inside your head, after all.” All three of Thomas’s other sides look guilty when he says that. Anxiety wipes at his messy face with the long sleeves of his hoodie, and Thomas makes a decision. 

He stands up, scooping Anxiety up in his arms. Anxiety writhes and squirms like a startled cat - “Whoa whoa what the fuck?!” - but Thomas holds him close to his chest. 

“Thomas?” Roman asks. 

“We’re going home now,” Thomas says. “We’re going to go home, and we’re all going to sleep. We’ll sort this out in the morning, okay? We all need a good night’s sleep.” Anxiety stops thrashing, holding perfectly still as Thomas readjusts his grip to hold Anxiety securely. 

“You good?” Thomas asks, looking at Anxiety. He nods, quietly, gripping Thomas’s shirt tightly to make sure that he doesn’t fall out of his arms. “Alright. Patton, you know how to drive, right?” 

“I know whatever you know, kiddo,” Patton says. “I can drive, yeah.” 

“It’s late enough at night that no one will notice a ‘driverless car’. Patton, you’re driving. Roman, you’re in the passenger seat. Logan and I will sit in the back seat with Anxiety. We’re going home now, okay?” 

Patton, Roman, and Logan nod. “Are you good with that, Anxiety?” He nods, jerkily, and Thomas nods, turning towards the road. 

“Home we go.” 

[myartofhealthyliving]

What is an Oxygen Concentrator and How Does It Work? (Uses and Reasons)

On account of the field of medication's extraordinary progressions, the oxygen concentrators today are smaller, little, peaceful and lightweight, yet at the same time give the most extreme consistence and elite. More established oxygen concentrators are cumbersome and substantial, making it hard for patients requiring oxygen treatment while voyaging or outside their home.

Today, you can browse at-home stationary concentrators and portable oxygen concentrators (POCs), which can go any place you go without any problem.

What is an Oxygen Concentrator?

Oxygen concentrator definition: An oxygen concentrator is a kind of clinical gadget utilized for conveying oxygen to people with breathing related problems. People whose oxygen fixation in their blood is lower than ordinary regularly require an oxygen concentrator to supplant that oxygen.

By and large, you can't accepting an oxygen concentrator over the counter. A specialist should endorse it after they've finished an exhaustive clinical assessment. The specialists will likewise regularly tell the patients the best way to viably utilize these concentrators while voyaging and in their homes.

Oxygen concentrators channel encompassing air, packing it to the necessary thickness and afterward conveying sanitized clinical grade oxygen into a heartbeat portion conveyance framework or ceaseless stream framework to the patient.

It's likewise outfitted with uncommon channels and sifter beds which assist with eliminating Nitrogen from the air to guarantee conveyance of totally cleansed oxygen to the patient. These gadgets likewise accompany an electronic UI so you can change the degrees of oxygen focus and conveyance settings. You then, at that point breathe in the oxygen through the nasal cannula or uncommon cover.

You by and large measure the oxygen concentrator yield in LPM (liters each moment). Your primary care physician will figure out what level of oxygen you need, which might change very still, during rest, and when you work out.

What are the Uses and Reasons for an Oxygen Concentrator?

There are numerous purposes behind an oxygen concentrator and specialists can prescribe oxygen treatment to their patients for different ailments. Ordinarily, your lungs ingest the air's oxygen, moving it into your circulation system.

On the off chance that you've had bloodwork or beat oximetry as of late performed to survey your oxygen immersion levels, and you were found to have low degrees of blood oxygen, your primary care physician might suggest present moment or long haul oxygen treatment.

You're presumably thinking about what is an oxygen concentrator utilized for? Intense conditions generally require transient oxygen treatment. These conditions ordinarily run for a brief timeframe. They might have an unexpected beginning of manifestations versus persistent conditions where things happen bit by bit. Be that as it may, some respiratory or persistent conditions require long haul oxygen supplementation.

Acute Conditions Requiring an Oxygen Concentrator

A couple instances of intense conditions where you would require the utilization of an oxygen concentrator for transient oxygen treatment are:

Asthma: This condition is the place where your aviation routes become aggravated and start delivering a great deal of bodily fluid, which makes it harder to relax. While there are various drugs that can treat and control asthma, an oxygen concentrator can siphon undeniable degrees of oxygen into the circulation system of the patient while they're having or have effectively had an asthma assault.

Pneumonia: Pneumonia is a contamination where you foster irritation in possibly either of your lungs' air sacs and as a rule, top them off with liquid. Numerous pneumonia patients have been recommended oxygen treatment and have seen great clinical results.

Respiratory pain condition (RDS): RDS is a breathing problem for the most part influencing infants, especially the individuals who are conceived at least a month and a half before their conveyance date. Babies experiencing RDS don't make sufficient surfactant (a lung covering fluid), causing their lungs to fall and making them work more diligently to relax. Oxygen treatment utilizing oxygen concentrators assist with siphoning oxygen into the children's circulation system and lungs to decrease further confusions.

Bronchopulmonary dysplasia (BPD): Newborns experiencing RDS likewise have a higher danger of creating BPD. This is a serious lung condition needing long haul breathing help.

At times, after medical procedure, you might require oxygen for a brief timeframe.

Chronic Diseases that Require Oxygen Therapy

Some chronic conditions requiring long-term oxygen concentrator uses are:

Chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD): COPD affects around 16 million people, but an oxygen concentrator can be an effective treatment. When you have COPD, you have chronic lung damage which makes it difficult for your lungs to absorb enough oxygen. As a result, you can have difficulty breathing, and oxygen therapy through a concentrator can help.

Cystic fibrosis: You inherit this life-threatening condition. It causes digestive system and lung damage. It’s a rare condition that affects the body’s cells responsible for producing mucus, sweat, and digestive juices. The fluids are changed which results in a stickier, thicker solution that plugs the ducts, tubes, and passageways of the individual infected.

Sleep Apnea: Sleep apnea is a sleeping disorder that can be serious and cause the individual’s breathing to sporadically stop and start during their sleep. Usually, treatment for this condition is continuous positive airway pressure (CPAP), weight loss, and physical exercise, though some people with sleep apnea may require oxygen therapy.

How Does an Oxygen Concentrator Work?

Think of an oxygen concentrator as a window air conditioner — it takes air in, changes it, and delivers it in a different form. The oxygen concentrator takes air in and purifies it for use by individuals who require medical oxygen because of low levels of oxygen in their blood.

It works by:

Compressing air as the cooling mechanism keeps the concentrator from becoming overheated

Taking air in from its surroundings

Using an electronic interface to adjust delivery settings

Removing nitrogen from the air through sieve beds and a filter

Delivering purified oxygen through a mask or nasal cannula

Patients who required oxygen therapy in the past mainly relied on pressurized oxygen tanks. Even though these tanks are extremely effective, they’re also fairly inefficient with the suppliers having to visit the patients regularly to replenish their oxygen supply in their tank.

The TOP 5 Best Stationary Oxygen Concentrators

1. Sanrai Oxypure 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

Sanrai OxyPure 5L is a reliable and robust FDA-Approved 5-liter stationary home oxygen concentrator. Our patient-centric R&D team ensured that the OxyPure 5L is suitable for all your oxygen prescription needs. Designed and developed in the USA, this device results from our 14 years of experience in the home respiratory care industry.

Sanrai’s OxyPure 5L stationary oxygen concentrator was built with your needs in mind, no matter where you are. The Sanrai OxyPure 5L home oxygen concentrator can perform optimally at high altitudes and in areas with high humidity with ease. FDA-approved and conforming to ISO guidelines, our product goes through several hours of burn-in and performance tests to ensure quality, efficiency, and reliability at all times.

Features and Benefits

FDA-Approved

Portability

Reliability

Quality

Whisper-Quiet

Lightweight

Low Cost

Easy-to-use

High-Output

Safe

2 Sanrai Oxyflow 5 - 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

The OxyFlow 5 is one of the most reliable and robust stationary concentrators in the world. The OxyFlow 5 delivers up to 5 LPM continuous flow oxygen. This innovative oxygen concentrator delivers oxygen up to 96% purity and weighs only 14 kgs, making it a truly lightweight and compact design. With a noise level of less than 45 dB, it is one of the quietest machines in the world.

Features and Benefits

In use since last 17 years worldwide.

Meeting the regulatory requirement of most stringent medical market of Japan.

Designed and marketed by Sanrai International.

Easy maintenance.

Salter lab humidifier bottle and crush proof nasal cannula provided with unit.

Low Oxygen purity alarm provided.

3. Drive Medical DeVilbiss 10 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

Built upon the reliable features of the popular 525 concentrator, the Drive Medical DeVilbiss 10L Oxygen Concentrator delivers optimal oxygen delivery for patients requiring higher concentrations of oxygen. This innovative machine has a high capacity and a wide range of useful features.

Substantially smaller in size than other high-capacity concentrators on the market, the flame-retardant DeVilbiss weighs only 42 pounds and comes in the same shell as the 5-liter size, yet is still compatible with cylinder transfill systems. It delivers 87% to 96% of oxygen purity ranging from 2 to 10 LPM, resulting in adaptive use for an array of patients with varying needs, from home use to hospitals and long-term care facilities.

Standard on every unit, the exclusive DeVilbiss Oxygen Sensing Device (OSD) system ensures dependable performance and patient safety with real-time monitoring of the oxygen produced. Easily accessible patient controls and bright LEDs make operation a breeze, and a front-located knob facilitates simple air-flow adjustments with its flow meter positioned directly below to verify setting selections.

This oxygen concentrator integrates several safety alarms to further ensure proper operation of the device, and these alarms will sound when there is high pressure, low oxygen, high gas temperature, low-high flow, when the power goes out, and if service is required.

Its cleverly-designed recessed humidifier nook and protected cannula port guard against accidental damage. Convenient handles on the top and side enable easy portability for rolling or carrying.

Features and Benefits

10-liter capacity for users requiring higher oxygen concentration levels

Adjusts from 2-10 LPM for multiple patient usages

Small and compact for a 10-liter capacity

Oxygen Sensing Device provides real-time monitoring

Safety alarms to alert users to problems

Easy-to-read and bright LED display

Accessible patient controls

Recessed humidifier nook and protected cannula port

Handles and wheels for transport

4. Drive Medical DeVilbiss 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

Built upon a legacy of reliable, field-proven concentrator models, the DeVilbiss 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator was designed with enhanced quality, durability and simplicity in mind

Patented DeVilbiss Turn-Down Technology minimizes wear on internal components, reduces power consumption by 15% or more and extends the life of the concentrator

Exclusive DeVilbiss OSD (Oxygen Sensing Device), standard on every unit, ensures patient safety and reliability for longer service intervals

Readily accessible patient controls, protected cannula fitting and recessed humidifier nook to prevent damage

Alarms Audible and visual high/low pressure, low flow, low oxygen, power fail, Oxygen Sensing Device

5. Philips EverFlo 5 Liter Oxygen Concentrator

The Philips EverFlo Oxygen concentrator weighs in at only 31 pounds, reducing shipping and storage costs and risk of injury.

EverFlo's ergonomic design takes up less space and doesn't draw as much attention.

EverFlo is part of the Right Fit, a complete portfolio of oxygen products and programs inspired by patients and built for business.

No homecare provider filter change for two years. Patients do not ever have to change filters.

The system uses less electricity and produces less heat.

The platform is designed to be compatible with all bottle styles and features an easy-to-use closure.

Recessed flow meter reduces accidental breakage.

Durable metal cannula is less likely to break

EverFlo is available with or without oxygen purity indicator. This OPI (Oxygen Percentage Indicator) ultrasonically measures oxygen output as a purity indication.

[multiverseforger]

The Queen is a large form of the species Xenomorph XX121 that serves as the mother and leader of a Xenomorph Hive. Queens are one of the largest, strongest, and most intelligent Xenomorph castes, and their appearance differs from that of smaller variants, with a pair of extra arms growing from their chest and a large head crest extending rearwards from their skull.

Queens are capable of engaging in combat and are formidable opponents, but such an event is a rare occurrence. Rather, Queens usually act as stationary Egg-layers within the Hive, tended to by Workers, and letting the Praetorians or Drones perform any defensive or offensive tasks. A Queen additionally oversees the maintenance of the nest, carried out again by the Workers (and to some extent, Drones). When laying Eggs, a Queen possesses a huge ovipositor that renders it immobile. Queens are significantly more intelligent than most normal Xenomorphs, displaying traits of wrath and vengeance beyond any purely instinctual behavior, have displayed problem-solving skills, and are also capable of issuing orders or commands to subservient castes.

Characteristics

A Queen slaughtering pirates aboard the Europa.Out of all the Xenomorph castes, the Queen possesses the most physical differences. Its most prominent feature is its immense size, typically standing around 4.5 metres in height,[1] double the height of most other Xenomorphs, while some older Queens have been known to grow larger still. Correspondingly, many typical Xenomorph features are also considerably larger on a Queen, including her jaws, which are filled with razor-sharp transparent teeth several centimetres long, and her inner jaw, the maw of which can be almost as large as a human head.[2]

Queens have large, armored, crown-like carapaces on their heads, into which they are able to withdraw their face and mouth as a means of protection, similar to how a turtle can withdraw its head into its shell. This great carapace is of disproportional size when compared to the rest of the Queen's very large body, and is thought to serve as a form of sensory "antenna", allowing the Queen to detect thermal, biochemical and bioelectric signals with great sensitivity.[1] Queens also have double-jointed hind legs, two sets of dorsal tubes, which are more spike-like than on other Xenomorphs, six digit hands — with the third finger being much longer than the others — and an extra armored shell on their chest in the form of another carapace. In fact, a Queen's outer mesoskeleton is so resilient it is even capable of repelling sustained automatic gunfire, although it remains vulnerable to armor-piercing ammunition.[3]

In addition to their two primary limbs, Queens also possess a second, much smaller pair of arms extending ventrally from the center of their chest; the exact purpose of these arms is not known. A Queen's tail is extremely long and segmented, with a large, blade-like tip. As with typical Drones, Queen tend to be black or black-blue in coloration.

The first Acheron Queen on her "throne" in the Hive.Egg-laying Queens are easily identified by their enormous ovipositor, which extends from beneath their tail and can be up to 9 or 12 metres in length. These ovipositors are typically suspended from the ceiling of the Hive by "straps" created from the same secreted resin as the Hive itself. Owing to the size and weight of this sac, any Queen in the laying stage is immobile and totally dependent on her subordinates for assistance and protection. However, the ovipositor can be detached in a critical situation to allow the Queen to escape, although this process is apparently painful for the Queen[2] and it is unlikely the sac can be reattached as easily, if at all. However, Queens are capable of growing a new ovipositor within a reasonably short period of time,[4] though this too can prove painful for them.[5] While immobilized, the Queen typically folds her legs up under her body and is instead supported by a biomechanical "throne".[2] When laying, a Queen will typically produce up to 15 Eggs per hour.[1] A Queen, despite her size ratio compared to other Xenomorphs, can sustain near-limitless gunfire before having to retreat, thanks largely to her thickened mesoskeleton and additional armor. They have also been seen to survive being almost totally enveloped by fire,[2] although prolonged exposure to heat and flame is eventually fatal.[4] As a result of their resilience, once released from her laying stage a Queen can destroy most prey within seconds. It has also been noted that Queens display numerous signs of extreme muscle density; indeed, Queens are capable of tearing synthetics in two with just their hands.[2] This, coupled with their great size, makes any form of hand-to-hand fighting an unwise tactic when confronting one, even for a Yautja. The Queen is fast considering her size — specimens have been clocked running at speeds of up to 40 km per hour.[1] They are also incredibly long-lived, with some specimens estimated to have survived for tens of thousands of years.[4] At least in very cold conditions, Queens are apparently able to "hibernate" or otherwise suspend their metabolism as a means to further extend their lifespan.[6]

While Xenomorphs are usually said to be asexual, Queens are typically classified as female, owing to their similarities with similar female egg-laying castes in the insect kingdom. Usually, there is only a single Queen present in any Xenomorph populace. However, on occasion it is possible for multiple Queens to come into contact with each other. Such a course of events will lead to conflict, with the ultimately dominant Queen often being referred to as an Empress and ruling over any other Queens situated in her domain.

As with the Spitter and Runner castes, Queens are capable of spitting acid from their mouths.[7]

Physical variance

[mcatmemoranda]

A male pt had an anteriorly dislocated shoulder with no acute fracture. He had been swimming at the beach and hit his shoulder. They reduced it by having him sit, flex his hip and knee on the ipsilateral side, hold onto his knee with both hands and lean back. While he leaned back, it looked like the doctor applied an antero-posterior force on the ipsilateral shoulder. I have to find out what that technique is called. There's another technique where you externally rotate the adducted arm. They reduced it and then had him wear a sling and swathe. They said to keep it on for 24 hours and then while sleeping. He has a follow up appointment with ortho. They did a closed reduction because there was no fracture. But if there is a fracture, you have to get an ortho consult. This pt tolerated it well, but if they don't you can sedate the pt.

From UpToDate:

Shoulder (ie, glenohumeral) dislocations account for 50 percent of all major joint dislocations. Anterior dislocations comprise the large majority of these.

Anterior dislocation – An anteriorly dislocated shoulder causes the arm to be slightly abducted and externally rotated. The patient resists all movement and the acromion appears prominent. Proper evaluation includes a neurovascular examination, with particular attention to distal pulses and the function of the axillary nerve, which is most commonly injured. Radiographs routinely obtained include the anteroposterior (AP), the scapular "Y" view, and the axillary view.

Reduction technique – No clear evidence exists supporting the superiority of any one of the many methods used to reduce anterior shoulder dislocations. Techniques that are quick, simple, and require neither significant force nor intravenous medication are ideal. We therefore suggest starting with scapular manipulation, and if unsuccessful next attempting the external rotation technique (with or without the Milch technique). If reduction is not accomplished using these approaches, then traction-countertraction or an alternative technique may be used.

Immobilization – We suggest that following reduction of an anterior shoulder dislocation the patient's injured arm be immobilized in a position of adduction and internal rotation. A collar and cuff, sling and swathe, or a commercially available shoulder immobilizer are equally effective.

Mechanism of injury — An anterior shoulder dislocation is usually caused by a blow to the abducted, externally rotated, and extended arm (eg, blocking a basketball shot). Less commonly, a blow to the posterior humerus or a fall on an outstretched arm may cause an anterior dislocation.

Examination — An anteriorly dislocated shoulder causes the arm to be slightly abducted and externally rotated. The patient resists all movement. The acromion appears prominent in thin individuals and there is loss of the normal rounded appearance of the shoulder.

Clinicians perform a neurovascular examination paying particular attention to distal pulses and the function of the axillary nerve, which is most commonly injured in anterior shoulder dislocations. Axillary nerve dysfunction manifests as loss of sensation in a "shoulder badge" distribution, although this finding is not reliably present [8,9]. Deltoid muscle weakness may also be present, but is impractical to assess during the acute injury [10]. Some degree of axillary nerve dysfunction is present in 42 percent of patients with an anterior dislocation, but most patients recover completely without intervention [9,11]. In many cases, dysfunction resolves with reduction.

Plain radiographs — Many clinicians obtain radiographs before and after reduction of an anterior shoulder dislocation. Initial radiographs confirm the diagnosis and exclude fractures; postreduction radiographs confirm successful reduction and exclude any fracture caused by the procedure.

Associated injuries (Hill-Sachs and Bankart) — Associated fractures identified on plain radiographs include Hill-Sachs deformities, Bankart lesions, and greater tuberosity fractures. A Hill-Sachs deformity is a cortical depression in the humeral head created by the glenoid rim during dislocation.

They occur in 35 to 40 percent of anterior dislocations and are seen on the AP radiograph with the arm in internal rotation.

AP radiograph of the left shoulder in internal rotation of a patient with a history of shoulder dislocation shows a Hill-Sachs lesion. A Hill-Sachs lesion is a cortical depression (arrows) in the humeral head made by the glenoid rim and is seen in 35 to 40 percent of anterior shoulder dislocations.

●Davos technique – To perform this reduction technique, the patient sits upright on a stretcher and flexes the hip and knee on the ipsilateral side of the shoulder dislocation (picture 11). The patient then clasps the fingers of both hands together around their flexed knee, after which the clinician binds the wrists together with an elastic bandage to allow the patient to relax their fingers. Next, the clinician puts weight on the patient’s foot (eg, sits on their foot) to hold it stationary. The patient is then instructed relax their shoulder and arm muscles and then extend their head back and let the shoulders roll forward with the arms extended.

Originally described in 1993, this technique was studied retrospectively in 100 patients with a reported success rate of 86 percent [85].

Bankart lesions occur when the glenoid labrum is disrupted during dislocation and a bone fragment is avulsed.

(Above) Anterior-posterior radiograph of the left shoulder in a patient with a history of a shoulder dislocation shows a Bankart lesion. Bankart lesions occur when the glenoid labrum is disrupted with dislocation. Most involve soft tissue but a small percentage involve the avulsion of bone fragments (arrow).

Bony Bankart lesions are present in 5 percent of patients, while soft tissue Bankart lesions (no bone is avulsed) occur in approximately 90 percent of patients less than 30 years old with an anterior shoulder dislocation.  Greater tuberosity fractures are present in 10 percent of patients.

Some places call it "greater tuberosity" and "lesser tuberosity," but it's "greater tubercle" and "lesser tubercle."

Procedural sedation and analgesia (PSA) is administered to relieve pain and to reduce spasm in the muscles of the rotator cuff. Common medications include fentanyl and midazolam, ketamine, etomidate, and propofol [45,46]. Propofol and etomidate are particularly useful because of their rapid onset, short duration of action, and infrequent side effects. 

If PSA is used, continuous monitoring with capnography and pulse oximetry is required, as well as frequent blood pressure measurements. Monitoring begins before any medications are given and continues until the patient is fully awake and able to protect their airway. 

Reduction:

Successful reduction is heralded by a "clunk" as the humeral head relocates and the return of the normal contour of the shoulder. With more gradual techniques (eg, external rotation), reduction may be more subtle with no appreciable "clunk". The ability of the patient to place the hand of the affected extremity on the opposite shoulder further confirms reduction.

The Davos technique is the one they did for the pt:

[cristinablackthornkingson]

It’s only Tuesday and I’m having a terrible week.

Fuck me it’s only Tuesday and already I’ve had such a fucking shitty week. To start off with I’m not entitled to a medical card, which will allow me to visit my doctor for free and only pay about 2 euro per item for anything I buy on prescription. I have multiple physical and mental disabilities but because I’m 20 and young, I’m not entitled to disability, they say I can be trained because I’m young, despite the fact that I can’t be in loud crowded places because of my SPD and I can’t stand for long periods of time without being in total agony because of my scoliosis. I am entitled to free GP visits at least, but still. I didn’t get the flu shot this year because I couldn’t fucking afford it, and then I ended up catching the flu and was really sick for about a week, I had to spend 50 euro to see my doctor and then spend 25 euro on medication and I only get 112 euro a week, I’m not entitled to the full dole/unemployment because I’m under 25. So apparently 112 euro is too much for someone to have free medical care and free prescriptions. I’m late on my period for the first time in the 10 years I’ve been having them, what if something is wrong and I need treatment? I won’t be able to afford that, no way in hell. I had plans to work through my fear of surgery in therapy, so once I got my medical card I could maybe get top surgery at some stage to alleviate my dysphoria, I am so sick of not being able to look in the mirror without feeling physically ill and inherently wrong. I was hoping my doctor would refer me to a specialist and I could get a brace for my back, the medical card would have payed for that, but I absolutely cannot afford that now. 

Then to put the cherry on the cake, I’ve been having issues at work for months, since I started. I’m a volunteer and the people I work for are the biggest cunts I have ever had the misfortune to meet. They are extreme staunch Christians who expect you to pay a swear jar at work if you say ‘God’ or any variation of that (take the Lord’s name in vain, but he’s not THE Lord, he’s your Lord and you cannot force me to not say his name in vain, if you don’t want to that’s fine, but I don’t believe in God so taking his name in vain means nothing to me) they expect customers to not take the lord’s name in vain in the shop, they are extremely dismissive of customers and extremely rude to customers of color. They can be nice to white people, but if they’re talking to POC, they’re so fucking rude to them, it sickens me. It’s no wonder nothing fucking sells. 

One day a few weeks ago when I wasn’t needed out the back, I sat out the front at the cash register to try and get some experience in and see if I remembered what my co-worker had taught me. I couldn’t get the hang of it but it was not a big deal at all, nobody lost money or anything like that, I had someone else with me to help me when i couldn’t get it..

The next day I was sorting through the clothes like I always do and one of my bosses (I work for a married couple, a man and a woman)  basically told me not to go behind the tills or around the tills anymore, now this guy wasn’t there the day before, so his wife obviously squealed on me to him, imagine being a maybe 40 something year old woman, squealing to her husband on your 20 year volunteer because they couldn’t work the till perfectly the first go, pathetic.  He then also told me that he knows I need to sit down a lot (which is true, like I said because of my back I can’t stand for long periods of time) but then proceeded to tell me to ‘Go for a walk’ when I needed to instead of sitting down out the back, he told me to go to the benches at the back of the shopping center the shop is located in. This is they guy who told me he needs to know where I am at all times. I left work early at one stage because I was having awful period pains, two co-workers saw me go and so did this guy, but when I came in on Monday after that, he told me I disappeared didn’t tell him I was leaving. The only other possible explanation was that he meant I went to the toilet for 5 minutes the other day, without telling him. I’m sorry man, but I was in agony and I needed to check if I was bleeding heavily because I didn’t have any clean pads with me, so I would have needed to go home straight away if I was bleeding lots.

Then yesterday, we got two bags of clothes donated, I took it upon myself as most of us do, to take them out of the bag, check they were clean, label them and write the size on them so all that was left for the bosses to do was price them. Well there was no room to hang these clothes up so I thought ‘Okay well I’ll label them and everything anyway and then put them back in the bag, that way whenever there is space we just need to take them out, put them on hangers and hang them up’. Well when my boss (the woman, we’ll call her Boss 1 from now on) saw this, she told me I couldn’t be taking clothes out of bags and putting them back in. ???? Why??? They would have been lying there anyway, it’s not like they were taking up any room, I took initiative,I did you a favor. 

Another thing, before I get into the last part, is on my first day I was told to hang my coat and bag in the little toilet area beside the stairs leading up to the attic. I did, and I did the same the next day, but then they told me not to leave them in there because customers sometimes go in there to try stuff on and might steal from me. Right okay, so I would leave my coat and bag in the back. Well I got told not to do that today, I was told to put my coat in the toilet area, so I did. But then when I went to look for my bag when I was leaving, it wasn’t where I left it nor was it in the toilet area, I was starting to freak out because my purse was in my bag. Thankfully I found it a few seconds later, under a chair where it was more in the way than it was where I had initially put it. Those bastards had the audacity to take MY property and MY stuff and move it without telling me, to where it could easily be mistaken for a donation and sold on me. 

And what really topped it all off was what happened today.

I go into work this morning and at first everything is fine, I do my usual tidying of the clothes, and once that’s done I go out the back to see what needs to be done there. While I’m there my co-worker asks if I’ve seen the pricing gun, as it’s gone missing. I say no I haven’t, and have a look around for it myself, can’t see it.Then boss 1 comes in and asks my co-worker ‘Does Michelle know where the gun is?’ my co-worker says no, and Boss 1 asks me where I left it yesterday when I had priced clothes. I told her where I left it and she basically blamed me for loosing it, telling me that I had to put it back in the drawer where we keep other stationary (Nobody ever does that we just leave it on the work top, and I highly doubt I was the last to use it yesterday seeing as I finished at 2 and the shop shuts at 5) Boss 1 kept saying how those guns aren’t cheap and cost upward of 30 euro, i’m surprised she didn’t demand I pay for a new one. 

Then I was pricing some toys that were donated, and when Boss 1 saw me doing this, instead of just calmly and gently explaining there’s no more room for toys on the shop floor, she was very aggressive and rude about it, practically yelling at me, saying things like ‘No! No more toys I’ve no more room!’ Right okay bitch, you could have just said that like a normal person. 

And then I was looking for something to do, I’m someone who always takes initiative, that’s why I was sorting through the toys. So I was looking around me to see what I could do, when Boss 1 tells me if I’m going to be there I need to do something. Then I was practically banned from the back room because it was so packed, but my other two co-workers were allowed in there no problem. That’s where I dew the line and just gave up and went home. I give them my effort and my time, I pour my blood, sweat and tears into that work, I am physically disabled so the work is no easy feat for me, but I do it anyway because I like to be busy and I want to help those in need, but I just get it thrown right back in my face. 

I am a young, trans, gay person, I do not feel safe among these religious nut jobs, I feel forced back into the closet. I started my transition recently, I’m transitioning into a more androgynous look, I cut all my hair off and I started binding with sports bras until I can get a real binder and then surgery. Yesterday was the first day I went into work presenting agender, and man I was so, so scared, I felt sick and almost had a panic attack because I didn’t know how they would react. They didn’t say anything to my surprise, but fuck I was so, so scared, I haven’t felt that kind of anxiety in a long, long time, years. I refuse to feel afraid to be who I am. These ‘People’ are so evil and nasty and the least compassionate people I have ever met in all my life, and I hope everyone realizes exactly who and what they are, fuck them 100 times over, they are such awful, awful people and I hope they get their comeuppance. 

[eb-byestelle]

:3 2 5 6 9 13 14 17 22 23 24 28 29 30 34 35 37 38 40 41 43 44 47 48 50 54 55 56 57 59 60 61 63 64 67 68 70 72 73 74 76 79 80 81 82 84 87 88 90 97 98 100

Hi there !! ❤️

Oh lord……….. 😵😅 There is a lot of it! But in some way it flatters me 😂💖

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

I do. It seems to be sth unpleasant but I like that tbh. It’s a very refreshing feeling.

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

Ofc I’m 😂

6: do you keep plants?

Generally no. I prefer to have an ornamentation which are long-term like a paintings or various types of souvenirs. But every now and then I love to buy some roses or lilies.

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

Sometimes.

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

A few things for sure ^^ For example some new epizode on the channel of one of my favrite youtubers. I usually don’t care about youtubers, but there is few guys who I really like. He is one of them. Besides of reviewing and mocking of a bad movies, he started to make a program when he laughs of his inept cooking skills and in a funny way he tries to do the various dishes. It was the epizode when he tried to do some dish created by Gordon Ramsey. With his brilliant joke and a chill style of being, as usual it was great. Another thing which comes to my mind is a very tasty breakfast 😋

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

I guess it would be like in case of a lot of roommates. A separate rooms for each of us. Each one would be the own part of the fridge. The bills would be divided in half for each.

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

Right now I have a color I like (dark chocolate).

22: are you a morning person?

Not exactly xD I love mornings! It’s my favorite part of the day. But at the same time I love to spend all night without sleeping xD At night we have the best ideas and the biggest inspiration ❤️ sometimes I call myself „a night animal”. But I still love mornings, this fresh air, very pleasant atmosphere. But because of my love to being „a night animals” my morning is only sometimes in the correct part of the day (like 7.00 – 8.00 am).

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

Like today xD Eg. replying to messages (like right now xD), cleaning, some activities like a cycling, trips or swimming, watching a movies, finding an interesting things or creating sth like a new poem or taking a new photos to my albums.

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

Yes, she is ❤️ She knows more than anybody.

28: sunrise or sunset?

Sunrise ❤️

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

Eg. when there is my birthday time and some my friend always gives me the gifts which perfectly suits to my interests and my personality ❤️ It’s the sign for me that someone knows my well and I’m important for him/her.

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

I think I have… But I’m not sure when exactly. It was a long time ago…

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

You mean a mascot, right? I still have my dear bunny ❤️ Its name is Niunia (a girl name). I got it for my fourth birthday. It was one of my biggest inspiration for the next 10 years xD Thanks to this bunny I created my first tales, comics, novels, and arts. It was like an one big inspiration bomb xD

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

Yeah, I like it. I use it very often.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

Rather clean.

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

It would be probably when someone is too sarcastic. Many people love sarcasms. Some are funny, when don’t laugh of somebodies in some mean way, but generally when it’s sth too personal, directed directly to me, then it’s sth very painful.

I also really don’t like when someone is a religious fanatic. I’m not an atheist and I totally respect all religiouses but some part of them are just insane… Some of them even try to say, that the homosexuality is a disease and that the contraception is a killing. Maybe we should claim that the religious fanatics is a disease xD 💀😂

Oh! And I hate this obsession with diet and exercise. It’s great to feel attractive and healthy but it started to be the one large international persecution mania 😅💀💀

40: think of a piece of jewelery you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

Ahh, ofc! I have a lot of jewelery, many of them remind me of some memories. My the most precious thing is my ring which I bought from my first scholarship (the scholarship I got in 2015, while I bought it in 2016). I wear it everyday. Later I went to the some steep hill and at the top of this hill I’ve done a kind of oath to myself that I will never make some mistakes once again, i.e. that I will always respect and love myself and I will always be faithful to myself (Sth a bit like a self-wedding xD There was even the cross xD).

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

Generally I read book quite rarely, I choose much more the watching the movies/anime, but when I think about a books like this, eg. now I’m reading some really great book. It’s called „Sophie’s World”. It’s about a teenage girl which one day came back from school and inside of her letter-box found a letter addressed to her, where it was one question „Who you are?”. Later, after she started think about who could give it to her and wonder about that question, another anonymous letters with philosophical questions began to be put into her letter-box. After a short time, after stimulating her curiosity towards philosophy, still without knowing the identity of the mysterious philosopher, the girl started a philosophy course, this time receiving a lot of long sheets full of new knowledge. More and more she began to delve into the world of philosophy, while at the same time trying to find out who is that mysterious teacher. At the same time, every now and then for some reason in various places, she found some things for the another girl she had never met. So far, I’m halfway through, history is getting more and more interesting. This is not a romance, as might be suggested by that “mysterious man” xD is a novel which is a kind of textbook of philosophy inserted into the story of the main character, written in a style that is one of the best literary styles I have ever read ❤️

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

With my music xD 🎵🎇

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

It was some time ago, on my last ride by bicycle.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

The meat from the dogs 😱😭😭👎

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

In case of this, I’ve really changed. As a kid I was scared by a storm, altitude, public appearances, spiders, darkness, although at the same time since childhood I’ve liked to challenge myself. Then there was a time when there were many strong negative experiences in my life, after which I came up with some simple thought: “Once I was afraid of a storm, but then I found out that there are more terrible things than a storm.” Now I’m afraid of only few things. I was able to go in the middle of the night through a dark forest, perform in front of a hundred people or run away from a stranger who chased me with a log in hand and even then I didn’t feel a fear. But there is still something I’m scared. It’s a bad people. I divide bad people into “culprits” and “intruders”. These first ones are people aware of their faults who have made mistakes, but they have a goodness within them that helps them to be better. Those second ones are totally evil. They are persuasive. People love them and follow them. They’re often completely unaware of the quantity of evil that is within them. Their boundless ruthlessness, combined with their eternal state of repression and alleged innocence, make them worse than the most dangerous lion.

I’m also afraid of losing humanity. I have the view that human is a creation between an animal and a device. I don’t want to get lost totally in lusts and instincts, like an animal, I don’t want to lose myself in logical cold action, like a device. It’s important to not forget about the instincts and the logical thinking, both skills are very valuable. But the extreme transition to one of these parties is bad. And very simple in a present times. While there is still humanity in the middle, specifically this what is metaphorically called “the soul” (feelings, weaknesses, sensibility). I don’t want the present world to deprive me of this.

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

I guess I don’t collect any things like this.

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

Some my friend from studies. She has a very hard time right now…

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

It’s hard to say… But I guess it was some „skill” I had to learn, ie. more „sharp” kind of speaking and behaving, more agressive. Ofc not as a kind of speaking everyday, but it were a situation which forced me to be cruel to someone who hurt me. It was my final attempt to prove that this person very hurts me and deserves my contempt. It worked. Now this person is completely different to me. But I don’t hide that it was difficult. In a way, I had to move my scruple and find within me something what I call “wildness”.

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

When someone still has inside sth from a child. Specifically, I mean a children’s sensitivity, curiosity about the world, the ability to dreaming, child’s innocence and a kind of enjoying something like a child. Imo it’s very important to cultivate everything this within us, at the same time having sth of an adult, like eg. an emotional maturity (there are ofc also children who can do it ;3). I like when someone is not afraid of being themselves. I also value a tenderness. I also like when someone gets involved in something with a passion, in some of their interest, or even in the anime episode xD

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

I can to listen to this AGAIN AND AGAIN 💖🎵🎵

59: what’s your favorite myth?

I don’t have any.

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

I like ^^ My fave poets are Adam Mickiewicz and Jan Lechoń. From my poetry my fave poem is called „The Shine” about how to recognize the true great love and not to confuse it with sth worse, some fake. It resembles a dialogue by a man with a personified „Mrs Love/Goddess of love Venus” (there is even sth mentioned about Venus). The man falls in love with someone, but he hesitates, doesn’t know if she’s this only one. Love tells him that yes, this is the only one. Love also tells him what he should to do to not lose her and how to realize the enormity of his feelings and distinguish the “first place / podium” from the others ones.

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

I gave one day for one my friend a cup with picture of Rei from Free! in a butterfly costume. Have I received some stupid gift? Maybe that bright green headphones for music in the shape of little monkeys that looked terribly and worked even more terribly XD

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

I think that to some level I’m fussy, but not very much. I love the most to listen sth what it evokes some feelings me and emotions inside me or inspires me to sth. When it doesn’t do it, it’s not a big deal but on the first place I put a kind of music like above.

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

Black (We have a 2:15 am so .. xD).

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

It’s not sth what makes me feel worse. I just try to accept any weather and to be above it. But sometimes there are a moments when I feel sleepy.

68: what’s winter like where you live?

It depends. Sometimes it’s light and warm, about 0oC, sometimes we get even -20oC  O.O … The snow is every year but not during all winter.

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

So far I have not.

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

Some things yes. I love to create a lists concerning various things. Thanks to this some stuffs and things to do are orderly in my head. But not everything. There must be a place for being spontaneous lol xD without this we don’t live xD

73: what are some of your worst habits?

No comments XD

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

Friendly, kind, tender, open-minded, full of passion and amazing ideas, funny, inteligent, positive, shy, sensitive, as much pervert as me (or more xD), with a golden heart 💖💖💖

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

Yhm, Sleeping? (2:40 am while tomorrow morning I go to work xD sometimes I have to turn off my inner „night animal” xD)

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

Eg. when one my friend gave me on my birthday ALL collection of „X/1999”, all 19 volumes which cost a lot of money and which are also very hard to find. I’m truly grateful for that, it’s one of my favorites manga serieses ever! In case of guys, eg. one kissed my hand only in a winter glove, claiming that he’s not worthy to do it without this. From myself (I do for myself A LOT of sweet things xD) I’ve gotten a gold statuette for happy birthday with an engraved wishes 😄🏆🥇

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

The walls of my bedroom are in a creamy color. I didn’t chose it but creemy it’s for me very neutral color so it’s alright. In my future dreamy bedroom the walls would be white or in a powder pink color.

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

Yeah, this is perfect xD

82: are/were you good in school?

In those subjects I liked. That was my rule xD About the rest I didn’t care.

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

I guess not.

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

The scientific movie “Journey to the Edge of the Universe” (2008) It’s one of the most beautiful and profound movie from this kind, I’ve ever seen ❤️❤️ „100 girls” when the main guy has absolutely brillant reflections about a women and men, everyone should to listen to him! :D And „Lucy”, about the potential of our brain. And perhaps also „The Devil’s Advocate”, it’s a food for thought.

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

Music for sure and a bit the painting world.

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

Let my own photos and those from the Internet will tell instead of me.

Yeah… That’s Wroclaw 💖

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

INFJ/ENFJ, pisces/aries , none of hogwarts houses.

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

Last week, It was very nice. I really like this kind of spending time.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

I think that none of them. I don’t want t change a past, I like the state of things which is now and love some special memories which could to not happen If I would go back 5 years. I also don’t want to jump up the 5 years which can bring something special.

*****************************************

It reminds me some trend which we were in the primary school, called “The golden thoughts” where some person created a 100 question, wrote in a notebook and later others answered her question in that notebook. It looks exactly the same ❤️

Thank you for your message! 😘

[saunaguides-blog]

10 Sauna Benefits That Will Blow Your Mind

Sauna advantages are mind blowing, from weight reduction to hostile to maturing and past. Find the main 10 different ways saunas can improve your wellbeing in this article.

Sauna treatment (counting infrared) is an antiquated strategy for detoxifying and recuperating the body, brain, and soul.

With regards to sauna benefits, they come from a sauna's capacity to enable your body to detox. That's right, a loosening up sauna can enable you to expel a larger number of poisons than practically some other method of detoxification!

Our bodies are worked to detox to a limited degree all alone. In any case, since we are presented to such a significant number of more poisons today than any other time in recent memory in mankind's history, it's significant for us to rehearse straightforward detox measures routinely.

I cherish saunas since they are too sheltered and make me feel astonishing. They additionally initiate our most prominent detox organ… OUR SKIN!

From the beginning of time, people have utilized sauna treatment as a sheltered and ground-breaking methods for detoxification. Models incorporate Native American perspiration cabins and Finnish wood-terminated saunas, where saunas have been being used for more than 2,000 years.

10 Sauna Benefits (that will knock your socks off!) 

Sauna Benefits #1 – Extreme pressure decrease

Saunas are tremendous pressure warriors. Because of sugar, espresso, absence of rest, focused on adrenals, and dangerous concoction presentation, a significant number of us are stuck in the thoughtful or "battle or flight" state. Saunas urge our bodies to go into the parasympathetic state, which enables us to de-stress, overview, rest, and recuperate.

Sauna Benefits #2 – Balance hormones

Stress decrease brings down pressure hormones (cortisol). At the point when cortisol is kept in equalization, thyroid, insulin, DHEA, testosterone, and estrogen are likewise kept in parity. Actually, progesterone levels can increment in the event that we keep our cortisol in solid range. Saunas help the adrenals discharge aldosterone, which helps keep electrolytes in parity as well.

Sauna Benefits #3 – Get superpowers!

Sunas can cause it to appear as though you've procured very mending quality. Various examinations demonstrate that close to infrared saunas can fundamentally improve tissue and wound mending, including retinal damage!

One examination found that mice who were blinded by synthetics had their visual perception harm totally switched due to NIR treatment. Finnish and German examinations demonstrate that saunas can lessen the occurrence of cold and influenza by about 30%.

Sauna Benefits #4 – Fountain of youth

Close to infrared saunas can help lessen indications of maturing and help your skin be more advantageous and more youthful looking. The red light animates collagen and elastin generation. Collagen and elastin help full and firm the skin which can likewise help mitigate stretch imprints and cellulite.

Profound perspiring can likewise help improve skin cell turnover. It can expel microscopic organisms from the skin, which assists with skin break out and improves skin wellbeing. Also, NIR saunas are appeared to lessen irritation, which can mitigate skin issues, for example, psoriasis and dermatitis.

Sauna Benefits #5 – Lose weight easily

Saunas can help with weight reduction. Saunas can build pulse while bringing down circulatory strain and expanding oxygenation and metabolic rate. These physiological influences are inconceivably like cardio work out!

An investigation including a gathering of ladies riding stationary bikes showed a 444% expansion in weight reduction for the gathering presented to close to infrared light when contrasted with the activity just gathering. Far infrared brilliant warmth can consume in excess of 600 calories in a 30 moment session! (That is my sort of activity.

Close to infrared saunas can likewise help with weight reduction by animating human development hormone which helps keep us youthful and fit.

Sauna Benefits #6 – Improve dissemination and oxygenation

When you sit in a hot sauna, your body temperature starts to rise. This makes your veins enlarge, which builds blood stream and by and large dissemination. Blood carries supplements and oxygen to all body tissues and help them recuperate. Studies demonstrate that infrared treatment energizes mitochondria, so it's contacting us at a cell level and is an incredible practice for expanding vitality and stamina.

Sauna Benefits #7 – Avoid coronary illness

We definitely realize that saunas lessen circulatory strain, increment oxygenation and course, all of which bolster heart wellbeing. Studies show saunas are more outlandish than exercise itself to cause cardiovascular scenes in men who have basic heart conditions. In any case, saunas are similarly as viable at expanding cardiovascular yield (practicing the heart) as exercise, making them an incredible option for those with some heart conditions that make practice possibly perilous.

Sauna Benefits #8 – Helps with ailments

Saunas have been demonstrated to be helpful in reducing manifestations related with despondency, immune system ailment, and constant torment and exhaustion. It assists with interminable pressure cerebral pains. Sauna treatment decreased torment and weariness related with rheumatoid joint pain and ankylosing spondylitis.

Sauna treatment has even been utilized to help different malignant growth medicines. It is realized that high temperatures can execute disease cells, more often than not without harming typical cells and body tissue.

Far infrared treatment repressed the development of strong tumor cells. One investigation demonstrated that the utilization of hyperthermia alone brought about complete generally reaction paces of 13%. Utilizing hyperthermia, notwithstanding other treatment modalities, has demonstrated noteworthy improvement in tumors of the head, neck, bosom, mind, bladder, cervix, rectum, lung, throat,vulva and vagina, and furthermore for melanoma.

Sauna Benefits #9 – Removes overwhelming metals and synthetic substances

Numerous poisons appear to want to dump into perspiration versus blood or pee. Arsenic, cadmium, lead, and mercury have been appeared in concentrates to be discharged through the skin too or superior to anything they are discharged in pee.

Moreover, a Canadian report found that the grouping of phytates (synthetic substances in toys, scents, beautifying agents, and so on) was twice as high in perspiration than in pee or blood.

Another examination discovered BPA in 80% of the subjects' perspiration, while finding no recognizable levels in their blood or pee. This appears to point to perspire being the best strategy for discharging the poison.

Sauna Benefits #10 – Protect Your Brain

An ongoing report directed by specialists in Finland — a nation where it's not bizarre for a home have a sauna — found that men who utilized a sauna four to seven times each week for a normal length of 15 minutes had a 66 percent lower danger of creating dementia, and 65 percent lower danger of Alzheimer's, contrasted with men who utilized the sauna just once per week. (Source.) WOWZERS! Visit sauna  if you are looking for more Information.

[simon-newman]

Ants

So...

In my previous post about my new Praying Mantis Athena I mentioned that I’d love to try keeping a few other Arthropods.

Ants in particular.

I am going to try and do so this year.

There are total of six species in my country that I’d love to keep at some point and I’m going to outline my plans for them in here.

So, here they are:

1. Manica Rubida

Common name - Wścieklica Dorodna (Literally - Greater Fury Ant)

This is my favorite native ant and one I grew up familiar with as I had a nest of those in my backyard.

As a kid I used to feed them regularly as they were the biggest, baddest ants I knew.

Indeed - the workers can be up to 9mm long. Those ants are BIG.

They’re also hated by most people because they will defend their nest and do have a potent sting some compare to the wasp’s.

Personally - I’ve been stung by those ants before and while painful it’s far from being as painful as the wasp’s sting.

Anyway - the species is not recommended for beginners due to the sting and the fact that the queen requires some special care (she requires feeding during the founding stages).

Still. I am familiar with them and willing to try keeping them. They are my choice species and seeing as they have their nuptial flight in May I’ll try to get a hold of the queen or two.

I’ve also managed to confirm that those are still present in my area. So far I’ve discovered two sites with nests of this species.

Another interesting note - while those ants don’t have a proper soldier caste there ARE some noticeable differences between workers.

Some of them do have a sturdier build and larger mandibles. I’ll try to provide some pictures when I get the chance to compare a regular and large worker.

This coupled with the fact that there’s surprisingly little information available about this species makes me want to do some research myself.

Document their behavior, preserve different specimen to compare the large and small workers and finally...

When the colony grows to 200-300 workers I’ll try attaching them to a classic ant-farm unit and observe the architecture of their nest construction.

FYI - this is the only Manica species in Europe. There are four species in the US and one in Japan. I am curious if all of them have similar nest architecture.

However - comparing those would require me to cooperate with someone in those countries...

2. Camponotus Ligniperda

Common Name - Gmachówka Drzewotoczna (Literally - Mansion Treecarrier? Ant)

A carpenter ant.

The largest in my country.

The largest ant in general present in my country.

You’d think Manica Rubida above was big with their 9mm worker.

Camponotus workers are just as big in general.

That is... Regular ones.

This species produces actual soldier ants that can be up to 16mm long!

Those are huge. And the queen could be even bigger than that!

Those ants are just enormous and I’d love to keep them.

They’re also good for beginners and have their nuptial flight in late May and June - I’ll try to get one of those if I fail to get Manica Queen first.

The downside is that those ants take a long time to build their numbers.

They take their time to grow and the famous soldiers don’t appear earlier than on year 3 of the colony.

Still - I am a patient man. I can wait.

I also have an interesting setup in mind already.

You see - those ants like to travel far from their nest while foraging.

I’d just love to set up a tubing pass from one room to another so that I could feed the ants in another room (or the kitchen) and watch them bring the food back to the nest all the way from there.

3. Formica Cinerea

Common Name - Pierwomrówka Żwirowa (Literally - Gravel Feral Ant)

A common species and one I think is very, very common in the area I live in.

I am currently waiting for some equipment to arrive so I can proceed to properly identify the species but there’s AT LEAST 7 colonies of ants that look like this species in the area.

Unlike the above species this one has several similar species living in the same areas.

I still think it’s this one in particular as the ants I’ve observed are a bit grey and not black.

Why would I want an ant this common then?

Well. Because they’re crazy.

Those ants have two modes - stationary and TURBO.

Much like their sister species they’re just constantly running around as if it was an emergency.

So they’re very, very active ants and they don’t even sting!

They prefer to run away when disturbed.

They’re also of comparable size to Manica species - easier to prevent escapes.

This species is not a priority for me but I am 90% sure they are in the area and I WILL NEED THOSE if I ever am to keep the next species which is...

4. Formica Sanguinea

English Common Name - Blood-Red Ant

Polish Common Name - Zbójnica Krwista (Literally - Bloody Bandit Ant)

This is an interesting species of a slave-maker ant that requires some other Formica workers to start it’s own colony.

In nature a young queen would attempt to take over a young nest of another Formica species (Like Formica Cinerea above) and do so by killing their queen.

In captivity you just need to extract some pupae from the other ant colony and provide the queen with soon-to-be workers.

This already means the species is not suitable for beginners but this isn’t all.

The colony can easily reach several thousand in numbers. Possibly over 10,000 ants if they’re kept well.

They are aggressive and can spray Formic Acid so a good ventilation is required so they don’t poison themselves.

Luckily this is not such a problem as with Formica Rufa and the colony remains manageable even at the peak of it’s development (F.Rufa can reach few hundred thousand workers and requires A LOT of space so they can’t really be kept in captivity outside of a specialized insectarium or a zoo - not even mentioning they’re a protected species).

Still - I find the ant interesting and absolutely beautiful with their coloration.

They come in varying shapes and shades within the colony itself and can be given other formica pupae to include in their numbers (forming a kind of a mixed colony if one so desires).

I have no “dream setup” in mind for them as of yet and they are not the species I will try to find in the near future. On top of this I have no idea where to find them in my area (they should be present here but I never saw them or maybe mistook them for other forest ants).

5. Lasius Flavus

English Common Name - Yellow Meadow Ant

Polish Common Name - Podziemnica Zwyczajna (Literally - Common Underground Ant)

This is one of the smaller species in my country with the workers reaching the size of 2-4mm only.

The queen is much bigger than her daughters however.

This is both a species easy to handle and not considered “that interesting” due to staying mostly underground all the time.

In nature they don’t forage much and feed on insects and honeydew from root aphids - something which might be difficult to supplement.

I also don’t intend to keep them anytime soon due to the small size - I am quite afraid they’ll find a way out of the setup I make myself for them.

Pros: They don’t need much space as the short foraging range limits the distance you could setup the outworld.

They’re also beautiful with their yellow or even amber colors.

It’s also repeated everywhere that those ants are extremely common despite not being seen often.

Personally i have to admit to destroying a huge nest of those last year when I was rearranging the stones in my garden (I’ve uncovered an absurdly huge colony which moved out within few hours) - I know however those are definitely around.

Maybe one day a small compact setup for those, eh?

And by small I mean... Yes - their numbers can reach tens of thousands...

6. Dolichoderus Quadripunctatus

Common Name - Nadrzewnica czteroplamka (Literally - Four-dot Tree Ant)

This would be the apex of ant-keeping ability for me because this ant is often described as very difficult to keep and known to just die when slightly mishandled.

It’s a tree-dwelling species with characteristic dots on the gaster, it also has a beautiful shine.

TBH some people claim the ant is pretty much impossible to keep in captivity... Easily proven wrong as quick google search reveals people abroad manage to keep them long enough for the colony to grow into a thousand workers.

I blame my countrymen’s inability/unwillingness to do proper research using the Internet that’s not in our language (and I find Polish Internet to be lacking and misleading in a lot of cases).

Still - the species is definitely demanding and not suited for beginners.

They are very sensitive to temperature and humidity, live on trees and tend to simply dump their garbage down + they’re expert climbers that effortlessly pass fluon barriers which makes them the escape artists on top of all the other problems they cause.

Also - did I mention that their Queen requires the same treatment as Manica Rubida above (as in feeding during initial stages)? Because she totally does!

There’s also the detail about the queens being rarely found on the ground and looking almost identical to the workers... Yeah. So many difficulties with just one ant species.

My dream setup is thus a very farfetched project of a vertical formicarium that imitates the tree trunk the ants live in naturally.

The nest could be connected behind the artificial wall shaped in the likeness of a tree - with some small shelves to deposit food on.

I’d also make sure to include a temperature and humidity regulation to make sure they don’t die on me...

Now - I’d love to have the means to build something like this one day... One day...

Picture sources:

http://www.antwiki.org

https://en.wikipedia.org

https://pl.wikipedia.org

https://insektarium.net

https://ru.wikipedia.org/

[paulisweeabootrash]

First Impression: That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime

I started writing up this review with the intent of shelving it for this year's end-of-year cleanup (yup, I intend to make that a yearly thing), but the more I watched, the more I felt it deserved a longer writeup.  Especially given how popular and well-received it was, because frankly I don't think it lives up to the hype.  So shapeshift into a more comfortable form as we talk about...

...That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime (2018)

Episodes watched: 14.

Platform: Crunchyroll.

The victim of a freak stabbing, a nice but forever-single 37-year-old has his dying thoughts — from wishing he weren’t feeling pain to wishing he could have a shot with many women in his next life — granted as wishes by a mysterious voice.  The voice turns out to be "Great Sage", a sort of... user interface(?) of a fantasy world that functions according to very RPG-like rules.  Generic monsters vs. named human and humanoid heroes, powers that can be acquired and leveled up, that sort of thing.  Those "granted wishes" come in the form of a new body, that of a slime, impervious to many things and able to absorb the abilities of other monsters by engulfing them, which he can apparently use either to literally eat them or to keep them alive “stored” inside him (which sounds... horrifying) — "analyzing" them using the Great Sage and gaining the use of their abilities in either case.  Granted the name Rimuru by Veldora, a godlike dragon he befriends (and then eats in order to carry him around), our slimy protagonist goes out into the world to explore and fix other people's problems.  Monsters, as we soon see in much more detail, typically have no names and minimal organization or skill, and once named, "evolve" into more powerful variants with not only superior strength but also the capacity to use superior magic and technology.  It's an interesting mechanic/premise that really feels like it would be at home in an ancient etiological myth.

It starts off feeling very much like watching a pretty good adaptation of an RPG or maybe point-and-click adventure, as the plot progresses mainly via Rimuru using items and abilities he has incidentally acquired for unrelated reasons to stumble into and complete quests for other characters.  It bounces wildly in tone from fantasy combat to ecchi to adorable wholesome content, and I assume at some point there will be some kind of confrontation with or followup on the human hero who imprisoned Veldora in the first place?  But for the first five episodes, it's mostly "ooh what's this?" followed by a sort of self-imposed quest to create a goblin nation-state from the ground up by naming everyone, taming the dire wolves who are threatening the goblins, and importing technology from the aforementioned named humanoids.  Then it takes an abrupt turn for the serious, laying on us three episodes of backstory about Shizu, a character who I can't really talk about at all without spoilers, but that short arc was engaging and resulted in Rimuru finally being able to take on a humanoid form, which turns out to be a great disguise in future episodes.

Meanwhile, the vague world conquest plans of majin (a term used here to refer to powerful humanoid magic-users) and demon lords having been taking shape in the background, as a vast orc army is steamrolling through every weaker group of monsters it can find.  The next few episodes focus on a group of oni, ahem, ogres (but they’re totally traditional Japanese depictions of oni) who join Rimuru's village after their own is destroyed by the orcs and an underground civilization of lizardpeople who attempt, in a hilariously clumsily and overconfident way, to join forces with Rimuru's followers against the orcs.  The oni are pretty great, especially Rimuru's secretary/bodyguard Shion and scout/diplomat/spy/whatever Souei, as is the unassuming goblin Gobta, who has frequently been the comic relief up to this point but becomes important to the looming conflict.

The lizardpeople/Rimuru-followers alliance is eventually formed and the show tries to make their war against the orcs epic and dramatic, but... here it largely fails.  This arc is full of tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters and tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters and tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters and tedious repetitive exposition about the same characters, as if they expect the audience goes into every episode having forgotten the events of the previous episode and even several recurring characters' names.  Add to this some sudden new abilities getting pulled out of Rimuru's and others' asses, increasingly frequent jarring tone shifts from scene to scene, combat scenes where everyone is stationary and stupid, and cap it all off with a "boss fight" that only gets started after some villainous exposition monologuing worthy of Dragon Ball Z and an exposition dump flashback about the orcs that raises more questions than it answers, and at this point I'm only still watching to find out where the hell it goes from here.  This feels like a bad adaptation of a game now... but maybe a bad adaptation of a good game.  Maybe it would work better, honestly, in RPG format.  It's not like this doesn't have potential as a premise.  But I don't get the hype, because I really don't think it lives up to it.

W/A/S: 4 / 5 / any random number 3–8, depending on episode / !

Weeb: Like I said about Death March, "not weeb so much as geek".  But this is getting a higher weeb score than that because some basic elements (such as, uh, the main character himself) probably come off as really weird if you've never played any of the Dragon Quest (a.k.a. Dragon Warrior) games, which are responsible for the generic low-level slime monster we know today.  Not to mention that this show's versions of orcs, ogres, and demons are more like depictions of those various races in other Japanese media than they are like the Germanic/Anglosphere/Tolkien-influenced fantasy canon.

Ass: Rimuru likes boobs.  He likes to talk about them.  He likes to cuddle up against them.  He checks out everyone.  He's... a sad old virgin.  Expect gag boobs and gratuitous camera angles, but not all the way to anything sexually explicit.

Shit (writing): Again, it really does feel like we're watching Rimuru complete a series of quests or puzzles to advance through the predetermined areas of a game.  Which is probably the point, but that doesn't work quite as well as a storytelling technique when the audience isn't actually figuring out how to complete those quests.  The sudden tone shift for Shizu's three-episode story arc and the weird exposition dumps throughout feel like they're trying to cram a lot of source material into relatively few episodes and it's not going well — which is odd considering that they got a 24-episode season instead of the more typical 13.  And considering that the source material has been going in some form or other for five years prior to the anime (it originated on Shōsetsuka ni Narō, the same self-publishing website responsible for a great deal of the last decade’s epidemic flourishing of isekai, including the above-mentioned Death March and Re:ZERO).

Shit (other): I like the character designs.  And they did a great job in particular making Rimuru expressive despite not... uh... having a face.  But the animation is sometimes embarrassingly bad, especially in action scenes — I swear, there was a fight at like 4fps at one point, the CG orc army is just painful to look at, and the "battles" between the orcs and lizardpeople are mostly just them staring at each other and then occasionally weakly thrusting a spear forward.

Content: Brief surprisingly violent shots, given the often-silly tone of the show.

-----

Stray observations:

- I said Rimuru pulled new abilities out of his ass, but... wait, do slimes have asses?  Can he form a temporary ass, like a comb jelly?

- Rimuru is not only lusting after the various elf and oni women; he is also obviously attracted to Souei, one of the male oni, and this is not played as being surprising or gross or funny in-universe, so, uh... yay bi representation... I guess...

- PS: I continued watching (even though this is frustrating) past the episodes this review covers, and I just want to add that I hate the pegasus knights.  Nobody had the sense to equip them with either ranged weapons or large melee weapons like lances.  They just fly around with swords that wouldn't be able to reach their enemies unless they pull up right alongside them.  This might make sense if they attempted a charge and attacked at point blank, which is the entire point of the distinctive cavalry saber, or maybe they could even dismount to fight on foot, and use the ability to fly for extreme maneuverability getting to a particular point on the battlefield?  Nope.  The closest they come to either of those tactics is to just fly leisurely towards Charybdis's open mouth without even unsheathing their swords in ep. 19.  WTF?  Look, I'm hardly a military expert by any stretch of the imagination, but I think these pegasus knights were dreamed up by someone who has only dimly heard of the concept of cavalry of any kind and hasn't spent more than a few seconds thinking about how you even can use horses in war, let alone bother to look up even a basic overview of how armies actually historically did.

[lyesera-thoughts]

Fibromyalgia

I picked a very technical picture this time, not sure how I feel about it. Mostly drawn in by the colorful circles.

Anyways, Fibromyalgia. It’s a fancy word that, until recently, basically meant “You’re always in pain and we can’t figure out why”.

It’s put a huge negative outlook on the condition and my understanding is that many doctors still treat it as non-existent.

There is currently no test that can conclusively say, 100%, that you have fibromyaglia. This isn’t a disease, it is a condition. Which was news to me when I started learning about it, because it was now a condition that I appear to have.

I’d say in the last 2-3 years I noticed a sensitivity to touch. One that I couldn’t place and ignored for a long time, until it started causing strain in my relationship with my fiance. Suddenly, his holding my arm, hugging me, laying his head on my shoulders, laying on top of me (fully or even just on my side) caused sharp pains. Every time I told him, he scoffed in disbelief.

His disbelief turned to our frustration and, in my case, my instant reaction to start shoving him away from me when it happened. I don’t blame him anymore. I was mad he didn’t believe me, but I couldn’t explain what was going on. So, to him, it wasn’t a thing. We both know better now.

That sensitivity turned to everyday pain and it got to the point until the end of 2018, I was running at a constant pain level of 3-4 and there was nothing that was stopping it, short of marijuana. Yes, I consume marijuana, in my defense I waited until it was legal in my state to do so! I find doing illegal things (even non-harmful things) can cause panic attacks so it wasn’t even a thing I would consider until laws changed. Point is, over-the-counter painkillers weren’t killing it.

I explained my journey into being diagnosed with this condition in another post already, but the summary was, a lot of blood tests were done. The only abnormal thing that could be seen was that my C-Reactive Protein was 2-3 times the highest acceptable number.

C-Reactive Protein is how we can detect inflammation in the blood. We have a range that, depending on the source you hear it from, is somewhere under 7 or somewhere under 10. Mine has, per my last blood test 4 months ago, peaked out at 21.

Fibromyalgia is a condition that, when you have large amounts of inflammation in your blood, turns your pain dial to 11 (you know that 1-10 pain scale hospitals will ask you about?). And then you get stuck there. There are specific pressure points that tend to be more painful than others and that appears to be the most common way to be diagnosed now. You have to have this pain point test completed by a Rheumatologist before you can be diagnosed. Which, after a 6 month wait, because rheumatologists are that busy, I finally had done in January of this year.

This led me into really learning more about this condition and what I learned is there is a lot of speculation, but not a lot of concrete facts. Here’s what I have gleaned.

1) There is no genetic factor to fibromyalgia that can be detected. But it does appear to be common in folks who have immediate family members with the condition. In my case, my mother has been diagnosed.

2) There may be a trigger in that is is most commonly found in those that either have PTSD or have suffered a brain or spin injury. My pain peaked following a concussion I suffered in December 2016.

3) People with fibromyalgia have anxiety, depression, and sleep issues. All of which I have, but I had them before I experienced pain, so I’m not sure if they are symptoms of the condition or if they are results of the condition or if this is a case of I already had the others, I won’t see them develop out of the condition.

4) There is no cure for fibromyalgia. This seems to be true as it is a condition, not a disease. It can be treated with cleaner eating, exercise, and/or prescription medications. The key is to lower the inflammation in your blood, which will turn off your body’s need to dial up your pain receptors.

5) Inflammation is caused by stress, poor eating/food sensitivities, poor sleep, and a few others I cannot recall at this time. This also seems to be true for me. If I have a bad night of sleep or if I only snack on carbs and sugar all day, I have terrible pains. I also discovered that my body doesn’t like red meats or a ton of dairy. I can only have them in small doses. A really stressful day can also bring pain, but for me it seems that my stress has to be extreme. My general anxiety doesn’t bring pain, but if I’m borderline panic, it can come.

That all being said, I have found that I am doing just fine without medications. I am dedicated to living this new, cleaner life style and the key focus that my physical therapist, my gym, my doctor, and my nutritionist all agree on is “sustainable”.

This isn’t a “fad-diet” or a “temporary cleanse”. This is something that I will have to live with my entire life, so it has to be enjoyable.

No food is off limits to me, not a single one. But I have learned that while I can enjoy them once in a while, constant partaking of them causes pain. I can enjoy them and I know when to stop so that I can continue to be pain free.

I know that being stationary causes stiffness and, in other parts of my body, even swelling. This causes inflammation and pain. I spend 30-60 minutes at least 3 times a week being active. It’s really not much time at all, if you think about it. What’s half an hour to an hour out of your day to enjoy a pain free life? 

Always work with your doctors. They may come off stern or scary, but they’re trained to help you. Communicate with them, tell them what you hope to achieve. They will help you.

[madameocotillo]

Haunted house stories please?

HAHA oh man, sure!! This was not something I really expected to be asked after I tag-talked about it lol, but I have plenty to share.

A preface: I was at House of Torment in Austin, Tx for 6 years, until I moved cities, and was a floor manager for 5 of those. What this means is I was in costume every night, but instead of being in a single scene like most actors, I got to run around a huge portion of the haunt. I took care of the actors in my zone, while also checking on/fixing props, dealing with problem customers (MANY of these, but all the managers had radios w/ earpieces & were kept updated constantly by the control room staff monitoring the night vision cameras in almost every room), and scaring everyone else. Being a manager, I had a lot more......leeway in what I could do, namely dangerous stunts and shit that scene actors were not permitted to do for legal reasons.

Worth a mention as well; I have always been an athletic dumbass with a high degree of flexibility and pain tolerance, so let’s start with that as a baseline. This is long, so i’ll just start with one! I may reblog it to add more later though.

CHAINSAW TAG: An upgraded children’s game w/ 120% more terror.

Picture this: It’s 1am, and the building is closed & empty. The actors have gone home, the music is off, and the bright house lights are dark. You are alone, creeping along in the dim glow of the operating lights, using your familiarity with the terrain to keep as silent as you can, while also avoiding stumbling over the uneven floor as you strain your ears to catch any sounds not generated by you.

Over the thud of your own heartbeat, you hear something: careful steps coming up the stairs several rooms behind you; whomever is making them is obviously trying to remain as unnoticed as you are, but doesn’t know enough to skip over the top two steps, which always groaned under pressure.

There’s no way to know who is behind you, and the risk of staying to find out isn’t worth it. There are a few hiding places you know of in your vicinity, and the one that is better than all the rest is also unfortunately the most difficult to get into swiftly AND quietly. You make your choice, and straighten up to begin trying to unlatch the cabinet door that actually contains a small passage onto a metal ledge, hanging 20ft above the floor below, with a large, heavy, hinged grate that actors can push over to scare customers with its deafening crash. The cabinet hinge squeaks loudly if opened too fast, you know, so you pick the slow and stealthy option. This was a mistake; you are TOO slow.

There aren’t quiet steps behind you anymore, because now they are advancing rapidly, with heavy footfalls. The unmistakable sound of a cord being pulled several times, an engine starting, and by the time they burst into the doorway of your room, the chainsaw in their hands is revved and roaring.

Your heartbeat goes haywire, and your mouth goes dry as adrenaline kicks in like a shotgun blast. Silence be damned, you rip the cabinet door open, climb onto the counter, and hurl your body forward through the 2ft entrance as the person, still dripping with the blood they wore that night while out on the lot, terrifying customers to take their minds off the line, lunges for you with a shriek. You ARE fast enough this time, the cabinet door bangs shut and the latch re-engages behind you, but the chainsaw-wielder is just as aware as you are of the tiny ledge, with no exit but the way you came, that you are now perched on. You hear them start to fumble with the latch.

Heartbeat still thundering, you smile. You don’t expect them to know this, but this area happens to be one of your favorite spots in the building for three reasons.

1) It’s a part of your zone, you have spent hundreds of hours patrolling it over the course of the season, and you are very, very comfortable in it.

2) After the grate is pushed over by an actor, and the resulting noise causes the customers beneath to drop to the floor, hands over their ears, screaming like they think the world is ending, they always recover and look up to see what made it. Through the metal mesh of the ledge, they can see the actor that scared them, the grate, and you as well if you’re there that time. Usually one person laughs at the rest of the group, and they make to continue down the hall, content that the monsters are two stories up and cannot reach them.

3) As mentioned before, you are a gigantic dumbass with the impulse control of a particularly acrobatic toddler.

The sets in this building are movie-grade, meant to take abuse from staff and guests alike, and built to facilitate the high-intensity scares your company is known for. This means almost everything is weight-bearing, baby.

The would-be killer gets the cabinet door open just in time to see you roll off the edge of the platform, slowing your decent to the concrete below by pushing off the metal sewage pipes that jut from the wall to enhance the atmosphere. Ricocheting all the way down to the ground floor, instead of rushing forward like you normally would, at the practically incoherent group you just landed a few feet in front of, you race off at full speed down the hallway, while the thwarted maniac calls down that you’re a bag of dicks, and they’re going to go eat the half-sandwich you left in the break room.

This my friend, is Chainsaw Tag!! Only played by management & equivalent level staff, after the haunt was closed for the night, it was a dangerous, no-holds barred, showdown-survival match between a bunch of people trying to ‘survive’ as long as they could, and one with a real chainsaw (minus chain, jesus christ we weren’t trying to actually kill someone) & a desire to give their friends minor heart attacks. Haunted house employees are not known for their strong survival instincts.

People ask me a lot, “Why do you hate horror movies, if you love horror video games and work in a haunted house??” The answer to that is, IT’S A TOTALLY DIFFERENT BALLGAME IF I CAN PERSONALLY INFLUENCE THE OUTCOME OF THE SITUATION. The experience of having, as far as your brain is concerned in the moment, a real person with a chainsaw hunting you down is unlike anything I can possibly think to compare it to; you instinctively go into a genuinely terrified state, it doesn't matter how logically you know that the asshole stalking you with a chainsaw isn’t really going to kill you, you promised to buy him Wendy’s on the way home, the second you start to doubt that the sounds you are hearing are coming from a fellow ‘victim’ your brain is already off and doing its thing. When a chainsaw starts up in the dark, one room away, you run, but most importantly, YOU CAN CHOOSE EVERY DECISION YOU MAKE TO TRY TO KEEP YOURSELF ‘ALIVE’ THAT MATCH, THERE IS NO WAITING AROUND KNOWING THAT WHATEVER HAPPENS TO YOU IS GONNA HAPPEN BECAUSE THAT’S THE WAY THE DIRECTOR SHOT IT.

We didn’t play every night, and sometimes games lasted until the sun rose, before we all trudged off to try to make it through classes/daytime jobs, but MAN was it worth it. I feel like i’ve actually got some honest to goodness experience surviving a slasher movie lol, and as long as I knew the terrain and was lucky, I might actually survive. The building we were in at the time was 40,000 square feet, and most of it was the extremely intricate haunted house, so there were a ton of choices players could make in how they hid, where they hid, if they took a stationary approach or a more active one, the way I did, et cetera.

The building also used to be an old warehouse, complete with steel beams criss-crossing the length of the ceiling, and if you think I didn’t hang like a bat from them, 40 ft above the ground in an open area that didn’t have any false floors, with a flashlight in hand so that as soon as I spotted the person who was ‘It’ I could switch it on and make a godawful Dracula impression at them, you would be thinking wrong.

I have thought before that if I owned/had access to some wooded land, or a building that was built up in a way to make it fun, I would love to run my own game of Chainsaw tag with friends. There really is nothing else that can come close as far as the rush you get when playing it, much less surviving till the end of the round and getting to laugh at the dumb ways your friends ‘died’. Of course people snuck off to make out, and YES they totally did get caught & killed with MUCH more frequency than those of us who knew better, that’s like one of the basic tropes of horror movies, good god.

And yes, the chainsaw wielder DID have to touch you with the chainsaw in order to tag you out, and there were no safe zones (that were respected, anyways).

[robinthephoenixs]

Ok here it is my Bumbleby Pokemon AU! I’ll be posting on Ao3 if you prefer to read there, should be a link on my page lol. Couple things, I did put some cheesy, cringey lines in cause why not, its based more on the TV show fights, yes Arcanine has 5 moves shhhh and also I know its Ember Celica but I’ve always pronounced it Cecelia and just found out I was wrong but Cecelia sounds better for a Pokemon lol. Anyways enjoy!

TW - Minor verbal abuse, Pokemon fighting

Ugh Tumblr mobile took out the keep reading sorry :/

"Give those Pokémon back!" Yang yelled at the team Plasma grunts. Her Arcanine, Cecelia growled beside her. Team Plasma had stolen multiple Pokémon out of the centre and what they planned to do with them she didn't want to think about.

"Hmph make me," the leader of the squad scoffed back at her, his voice echoing around the warehouse. His bright red hair was a stark contrast to the white mask he wore over his eyes and unlike other members of the team he didn’t cover his mouth, so his sinister smile was clear to see as he smirked down at Yang, riling her up even more.

"I don't have time for a runt like you. Deal with her." He waved a hand behind him and one of his subordinates stepped up beside him. She wore the same black and grey outfit that the rest of team Plasma had but without the beret. The lower half of her face was covered by the typical black bandana and, even though she was up on a container, Yang noticed a look of hesitance in her eyes.

"Adam this is -"

"Enough!" The leader, Adam, shouted and the girl flinched. "Do as you’re told and don't mess up." She nodded meekly and he turned around, his long trench coat sweeping behind him. He jumped off the large shipping container they had been standing on and motioned the rest of the grunts to follow out the back, the boxes of poke balls with them.

"Hey wait!" Yang stepped forward but the grunt who had been with him deftly leapt off the crate as well and stood in her way, poke ball already in hand. Yang scowled and Cecelia raised her hackles, moving in front of her protectively.

“Step aside, they’re getting away!” Yang yelled at her.

The grunt rolled her eyes saying, “Yeah that’s kinda the point.” This just made Yang even angrier but even with her heated blood she couldn’t help noticing how beautiful the girl looked, her silky black hair and lithe form…if they weren’t on opposite sides, she would be just her type.

Yang shook her head, she needed to focus, innocent Pokémon were being taken. “Alright if that’s how you want to play it, Cecelia, time to get fired up!” Yang took a couple large strides back, leaving enough space between the two girls to have a proper battle. Cecelia barked at the familiar command and got into a stance low to the ground ready to pounce at Yang’s word.

The Plasma girl raised her arm back and threw her poke ball like she was pitching in baseball, letting it fly in a high arc. “Come out of the shadows, Shroud!” The ball burst open in a could of black and an Umbreon appeared in the smoke with its shrill cry.

Yang could feel her excitement rise. This girl wasn’t the usual type of Plasma grunt, she clearly had proper skills. This was going to be a good fight.

“Before we start, what’s your name!” Yang called out. The girl looked confused but replied.

“Blake, my names Blake. Why?”

“Oh, I just like knowing the names of my opponents before I crush them.” Yang grinned wildly as she said that, feeling the excitement really starting to build. Blake just narrowed her eyes and the two stared at each other. Both Pokémon were ready to go, shifting with anticipation for the fight to come but the trainers were playing chicken seeing who would flinch first.

After what felt like an eternity it was Yang who pulled the trigger. “Enough waiting, Cecelia lets get the show on the road, use fire fang!” The Arcanine didn’t miss a beat and charged at Umbreon, roaring as flames spilled from her mouth.

Instead of panicking like most of the Plasma grunts did when they saw a flaming beast running toward their Pokémon, Blake stayed calm and easily instructed her Umbreon. “Shroud dodge, then use shadow ball.” Shroud bent her legs, quickly tensing her muscles before leaping into the air, easily dodging the larger creature and while at the height of her jump focused a black ball of moving energy in front of its circular mark on its forehead and then she flicked her head to the side launching the ball at Cecelia.

“Look out!” Yang cried, but there was little she could do as her Arcanine didn’t have time to stop herself, the forward momentum from her charge was too much and the shadow ball was a direct hit. Cecelia yelped in pain as she went slamming onto her side and growled in anger glaring at Shroud who had landed neatly looking down at the other Pokémon with a completely neutral face.

“Do you always charge in without a plan?” Blake asked, and even though Yang couldn’t see her mouth she knew she was smirking at her rookie mistake. She had gotten complacent facing off against weaker opponents, she thought gritting her teeth.

Yang huffed but grinned again. “Heh, I’m just getting started. Ce! You good?” She called out to her Pokémon who jumped back up, ready to fight with a bark, letting her now she was fine. Yang nodded. “Alright then, you want to see some proper moves, try this on for size!” She pointed up at the many shipping containers surrounding them, making sure Cecelia was following her finger. “Double team!”

Through the many years they had been together Cecelia knew exactly what she wanted her to do and leapt up onto the crate to her left before her body started shimmering and suddenly there were at least twenty Arcanines standing around the two opponents. Blake glanced up worried at the sudden number of enemies but regained her composure.

“They aren’t all real Shroud! Use dark pulse, weed out the physical one!” Yang gave a cocky grin at Blakes command. Just what she had hoped for, a stationary attack.

“You know the drill Ce! Extreme speed!” Blakes eyes widened but like Yang earlier could do nothing now, it was up to Shroud.

The two Pokémon began their attacks. Multiple forms of Cecelia charged for Shroud at a daunting speed as Shroud desperately tried to keep up, firing a beam of dark energy from her symbol but it wasn’t enough. Some of the fake forms started hitting her and she flinched at them expecting it to be the real deal.

“Keep it up Shroud, you’ll get her eventually!” Blake shouted out words of encouragement, but it wouldn’t be enough as the real Cecelia finally crashed into Shroud while she had been blasting another one. Shroud went tumbling and slammed into one of the containers with a yelp, landing on her side.

“Shroud!” Blake cried out, desperation in her voice. Yang was surprised by the fact she actually cared for her Pokémon. For a group wanting to free all Pokémon they were usually cold hearted toward their own. She really was very different from the other grunts, but this was a battle non the less.

“Let’s finish this Cecelia, flare blitz!” Cecelia’s mouth split into a fiery grin and she roared before charging at Shroud again. Her mane and tail erupted into even larger flames that practically engulfed her whole body and a stream of flames trailed after her as she ran for Shroud. Blake didn’t seem to care though. Maybe Yang had been wrong about her.

“Shroud, feint attack now!” Yang swore as she realised Blakes strategy. She played right into her hands, again. It was too late to call Cecelia off and she watched in horror as her beloved Arcanine went through a fake Umbreon. Cecelia turned her head eyes wide as she looked behind her to Shroud who didn’t even finish the attack, it wasn’t needed. Cecelia rammed into the metal container that Shroud had herself hit seconds before.

“Cecelia no!” Yang took a step forward as her Pokémon fell to the ground seemingly unconscious but after a few tense seconds flames burst out from around Cecelia and her brave Arcanine stood back up roaring in defiance. She looked rough but was not going to stand down, not when Pokémon’s lives were on the line.

“How – how is she standing?” Blake stuttered out, surprised at the Arcanines resilience. Even her Umbreon took a step back in shock.

“She’s standing because Cecelia knows what you guys are doing is wrong. She knows that taking Pokémon away from their loving trainers and shipping them off to Arceus knows where is wrong! I don’t know what lies that guy has been feeding you, but most trainers love their Pokémon and vice versa.” Yang gestured toward Cecelia and continued, feeling her emotions welling up. “We’re a team and if someone stole her away from me…I don’t know how I’d cope!”

Blake cast her gaze away, a grimace on her mouth and confliction in her eyes. She looked toward Should who turned her head toward her waiting for her next move to be given and Blakes brow furrowed. She looked back up at Yang her eyes glistening. “I have to do this!” She shouted balling her hands into fists. “Shroud, dark pulse again!” The Pokémon hesitated for a moment, not used to so much emotion in her trainer’s voice while in battle but quickly complied and turned back, focusing her energy in the centre of her forehead once again.

“Ce, give it all you got, flamethrower!” Cecelia roared in compliance and through her head back building up the fire in her mouth, some spilling out the side like water.

The two Pokémon let rip at the same time and the moves clashed in an explosion in the middle of their makeshift arena. The blast energy to ripple back and Yang threw her arm over her face to protect it from embers as the two beasts clashed, neither one wanting to give up. Both trainers shouted words of encouragement over the noise of competing powers and the beams blew back and forth, fighting for dominance, until there was a massive explosion as one of the two won out.

Smoke billowed everywhere and the two girls coughed as the cloud swept over them. Each girl anxiously waited for the smoke screen to clear. As it dissipated, Yang could feel the sweat on her brow and felt how hard her heart was beating. It had been a long time since she had a battle like this.

Now that most of the smoke was gone Yang could see the familiar orange glow of her Pokémon through the cloud, like a beacon in the night. “Yes, Cecelia you did it!” Yang ran to her Pokémon the smoke now only pooling around their feet giving them all a clear view of the winner and loser. Shroud was knocked out on the ground and Blake rushed to her side, skidding to her knees.

“Shroud no…” she whispered and picked up her small Pokémon cuddling her to her chest. Yang gave Cecelia a massive hug, the flames not burning her as Cecelia could choose who they hurt. Cecelia was always so warm and fluffy, she always lifted Yang’s spirits. Letting go she swung her backpack around and pulled out a hyper potion and sprayed it over Cecelia. It would be a few minutes before she was back to full health and she would wait until she was all better before moving on.

Leaving Cecelia to heal up she walked over to Blake who now had Shroud lying in her lap, stroking her head gentle.

“Here,” Yang said and dipped her hand in her bag pulling out a revive and a hyper potion and offering it to Blake. Blake looked up utterly confused and Yang gave her a soft smile.

“You’re not like the others. I could see that even before the battle. You actually care about your Pokémon and I know you probably thought that’s what those Plasma guys were doing.” Blake looked at her sceptically but took the items, once again proving she cares more for her Umbreon then she does her personal thoughts.

“What do you want then. You won and are now, what, pitying me? I appreciate the items, but I don’t know what you want.” Blake applied the medicines while she talked, and Shroud slowly opened her eyes blinking and gave a little yawn. Blake pulled down her bandana, letting it hang around her neck and lent over to give Shroud a kiss on the head and Shroud started purring and nuzzling into her. Blake gave a small smile at that and Yang was stunned at just how pretty she was now the bandana was down, but that was just one of the reasons for her offer.

“I want you to come with me. Help get those Pokémon back to trainers who love them just as much as you love your Umbreon.” Yang knelt down on one knee to be closer to Blake and the two were inches apart. “I know you want to do the right thing.” Blake looked at her wide eyed.

“I – I can’t Adam would -”

“Hey, don’t worry about that Adam guy.” Yang said reaching out and put her hand over Blakes, the one that was petting Shroud. “If we do this, we’re in it together and I’ll help you with him. He did seem like an ass, to be honest.” Yang shrugged while saying the last comment and Blake laughed sharply.

“Yeah you could say that again.” Blake looked down at Shroud again, she was cuddling into her and a few seconds of deliberation was all it took. She gently laid Shroud on the ground and stood up. Yang followed suit an eyebrow raised. At the movement Cecelia, now fully healed, bounded over and pushed her head under Yang’s hand, looking for rubs which Yang gave absentmindedly, currently focused on Blake.

Blake stood in front of Yang then stuck out her hand. “Ok Yang, I’ll come with you and help you take down team Plasma.” Yang cracked a huge smile and grabbed her hand giving it an enthusiastic shake.

“Thank you.” Yang said and her smile became a little smaller, a more personal one and she swore Blake blushed. Yang let go of Blakes hand and moved toward the exit Adam and the rest had left earlier. “Come on, we gotta catch up to them!” Yang called back to Blake, who went to catch up, both Pokemon trotting along as well.

“We’re facing him now!” She asked in shock.

“No, don’t worry the big boss usually leaves before I reach my current goal so don’t worry.” Blake sighed with relief. 

“But I do hope you’re ready to beat these guys to a ‘Plasma’,” Yang said smirking to herself. Blake blinked and turned blank faced to her.

“Was, was that supposed to be a pun?”

“Haha, I see you do know the legendary art,” Yang said winking and Blake groaned rolling her eyes but Yang saw the small smile creeping its way on to Blakes face and she knew they were going to get on just fine.

[artificialqueens]

You And I (Trixya) (Chapter 1/?) - Kiwific

Trixie and Katya were best friends for six long years. Growing up, summers spent at her aunt’s in Trixie’s small Tennessee hometown were the high points of Katya’s year. After her parents split and those holidays stopped, they lost touch for a while, their lives both unfolding in different ways. Now, after a messy breakup and an unexpected gift of a certain farmhouse, Katya finds herself living in the last place she would have expected. Everything is the same, yet so, so different. Not only because of her sudden crush on a certain blonde musician…but that definitely doesn’t help.

Notes:

Hi, it’s your local delusional flightless bird/piece of fuzzy fruit here. I can’t believe I’m finally getting around to uploading some of this. It’s been an absolute mess of words and ideas on my computer for months now. The idea from this came from a mixture of listening to ‘Little Sister" off Trixie’s album far too many times, mixed with my own feelings of living in a small rural town. I’m pretty sure at least part of it came to me in a dream. Any-who, this is still a WIP. I have a few chapters edited into a semblance of a story and the rest just kind of lives in my head until I find the motivation to actually write it down. Cool? Cool. Enjoy, comment, like, abuse me, whatever floats your boat.

Notes: Katya is 26, Trixie is 25.

Bronte (Trixie’s town) is named after Charlotte Bronte. Because I’m a literary nerd. Bronte is in no way a real place, I’m not even American so feel free to point out any glaring errors in that respect.

Also on AO3 under Kiwific <3 Come share the love.

It’s been a long time since you came around,

Been a long time but I’m back in town

And this time I’m not leaving without you…

Dear Trixie

I hope it isn’t too weird that I’m writing to you like this after all this time. I know - Facebook is a thing that exists, and a much faster way of communicating, right? I unashamedly stalked your page and it looks to me like your parents still live in the same house you grew up in, so I’m assuming this will get to you somehow. Hell, you live in Bronte - the postman has probably known you since you were two, has kids that went to middle school with you, and knows exactly where you are at any given time.

Anywho, the reason I’m writing is that, well, I found our old letters when I was packing up my apartment and wanted to tell you this the old-fashioned way. I know it’s been a while since we talked, but you’re going to want to hear this…

I’m moving to Bronte!

I can hear your disbelief from here, and seriously, I know. What the actual fuck, Katya, right? Believe me, I’ve been asking myself that question enough when it comes to understanding the decision on a philosophical level, so let me just give you the facts:

When Aunt Stevie died, she left her house to me and Anya. Annie moved to Russia last year and couldn’t give a flying fuck what happens to the place, so I guess it’s mostly mine.

I’m a college graduate and a free house is definitely something that makes my future look much less ugly (loans are painful and I want to eat something other than ramen before I’m thirty).

Recent developments in my life have made me want to get far, far away from New York, and what could be further than Bronte?

Anyway, I’ll be there mid June! I’d love to catch up if you’re around and reminisce on old times… like the time we made toffee “apples” for the town fair, except they were really onions. And the time I made your friend cry when she wanted to be Baby Spice for that concert we put on fat your church (you were the best Baby Spice ever, by the way). I can already smell that sweet nineties nostalgia.

Please message me when you get this, I don’t expect you to write back, plus I might be out of this apartment by then. The sooner the better, in my honest opinion.

See you soon!

Katya

P.S. Fact number 5 - I miss you.

June

Katya could feel the dust in the air before she even stepped out of the car. She stretched her jean-clad legs out in front of her, feeling the heat heavy in the air as she stood up. Placing her hands at the small of her back, she groaned, feeling the effects of her two-day drive seep into her bones. Looking around, Katya (not for the first time ) questioned the wisdom of her decision to relocate to a southern state in the middle of a scorching summer. The whole plan was absolute insanity - who would have ever thought in a hundred years that she would move to Tennessee. This wasn’t the first time she’d had second, third, or even fourth thoughts about the move, and looking around at the picturesque town around her did very little to ease her nerves.

How the fuck did she end up back here?

Logically, the plan made sense. She had free accommodation here - a house that, beyond all belief, was hers alone. She would have time to write, time to sort her shit out. Time to stop moping over Rachel and get her head back in a healthy space. That, or she would slowly go insane with boredom. Or forced out of town by dyke-hating, pitchfork-wielding townsfolk. Too far?

Above her, the gas station sign leered down.

Bronte, Tennessee. Last gas stop for 20 miles!

Katya snorted to herself. Last anything for thirty miles, more like.

Filling up her ancient, cherry-red BMW, Katya peered down the main street. It had been approximately eleven years since she’d last been here.  Growing up, her aunt Stevie had an old farmhouse just out of town. They would fly (sometimes drive, to Katya and Anya’s mutual horror) and stay for weeks in the summer, Katya and her sister spending the long, hot days playing in the fields, climbing trees and swimming in the river.

Katya barely remembered the town itself, but a few things stood out: the general store with its array of mismatched soda signs, the diner with the hideous pale pink facade (still faded and chipped after all this time), and the water tower looming over the long line of shops. It had been years, but to Katya it looked like nothing had changed. She felt her cynicism draining away as she looked around, fond memories of her childhood drowning out the panicked voice in her head telling her this move was a mistake.

They had stopped coming here when Katya’s dad walked out - a disappearing act to rival any world-famous magician- and while Stevie tried to keep in touch, it got too hard for Katya’s mom to stay close to her ex-husband’s family. Stevie had always sent birthday cards, though. Right up until the year she got sick. Katya’s mom didn’t know what killed her, but no one was more surprised than Katya herself when a lawyer showed up at her apartment in New York with the news that Stevie’s three-bedroom farmhouse in hicksville had been left to Katya and Anya. Anya wasn’t extremely interested in the news, she was enjoying her new life in Russia with mom’s family. Katya didn’t think she cared either, maybe one day they could sell the house and use the money for their own city apartments…

Until the shitstorm happened with Rachel.

She had been utterly blindsided when Rachel walked out, she had to admit that. One minute, Rachel was moving in with her and Katya was thinking about their happy future together. The next, Rachel was packing, leaving a broken Katya alone on their bedroom floor as she walked out. Katya should have seen it coming, and the fact that she didn’t was one of the things that had hurt so much.

The petrol pump stopped and Katya shook her head, trying to clear her suddenly foggy thoughts. Enough of that. She was away from Rachel and from New York. As far away as she felt she could possibly get. This wasn’t some bullshit heartbroken woman moves to the country to find herself after a breakup saga, this was just her… getting away from everything in the city that would sabotage her. Getting away from the version of herself that she was spiraling back into before making the decision to move here. Saving some cash in the process too, because hey - free accommodation would do a wonder on her savings.

Moving her car to one of the parks at the front of the station, Katya decided to take a walk and visit some old haunts. She had planned to head to the house first and come back into town when she’d settled in a little, but something was gnawing at the back of her mind. Someone, rather.

Trixie.

When Katya had written to her friend, she’d been a little overwhelmed at the excited reply. Trixie had messaged her the minute she received the letter announcing her move, and for a while there her excitement was contagious. Katya couldn’t help but feel a knot of anxiety when it came to seeing Trixie in the flesh again, though. What if it was awkward? What if they didn’t know how to talk to each other anymore? What if they had both changed too much?

Trixie had been Katya’s best friend for the better part of six years, despite the fact that they only ever saw each other in the summer. They had met one scalding hot day down by the river at the back of Stevie’s property - Katya and Annie went there everyday to cool down, and Trixie and her brother were swimming with their dad. A precocious eight year old Katya had snobbishly told seven year old Trixie that it was her auntie’s river and that her Barbie swimsuit was gross and too pink. Trixie had pushed her in the river.

They were best friends from that day on. Every summer, Katya counted down the days to their trip to Bronte, marking the days off in her diary (black, with a wolf howling at the moon on it. She had been a weird kid). They swam, played in the fields, terrorized the locals of Bronte year after year. They told each other everything, sharing their deepest secrets, navigating the joys and disappointments of growing up. When they weren’t together, they wrote to each other. Almost every week, Katya would get a letter on brightly colored Lisa Frank stationary, Trixie’s neat handwriting filling the pages. Her own letters were scrawled back as fast as she could write them, words falling from her as she tried to fit her thoughts onto the small pages. When Katya’s parents started fighting, Trixie was the first person to know. When Trixie got her first period, Katya had been the person she had written to.

When Katya’s dad left, she’d written a letter to Trixie that had to be at least seven pages long. She had been so angry, so scared, so worried about what to to when her mom barely came out of her room. Trixie told her everything would be okay, and it was. Eventually, it was. The next summer, however, had confirmed Katya’s growing suspicions. They didn’t go back to Bronte.

She and Trixie had kept up their friendship through letters and occasional phone calls, but these tapered off over time. New friendships came along, more for Trixie than for Katya, but eventually the letters stopped all together. Katya thought of her sometimes when looking at the photos in her mom’s old albums - her favourite was one of the two of them passed out on a mattress in the back of a pickup truck after a party at Stevie’s place, straw in Trixie’s thick hair and a blanket covering the two of them.

A few years ago, Trixie had sought her out on Facebook and they had talked occasionally, reminiscing about old times. Katya didn’t realize until she shamelessly stalked Trixie’s profile how much she had genuinely missed the other girl, and she’d been startled to realize she was crying after finding the same picture of them in the truck in an album Trixie had labelled ‘Old times’.

Katya couldn’t help but steel herself for disappointment as she prepared for the move to Bronte. She logically knew that things couldn’t be like they used to be - there was no way they could just pick up where they left off and be as close as they had been, and that was fine. They had been kids. Trixie had her life her, her friends, she probably didn’t need Katya hanging around all the time. Katya wanted to try, though, she wanted to give their friendship a second shot.

In truth, a friend was what she desperately needed right now.

[giancarlonicoli]

Lockdowns may have eroded people’s swagger, but research suggests there are ways to remedy the situation

Ian Robertson

Sat 5 Jun 2021 15.00 BST

Last modified on Sat 5 Jun 2021 21.21 BST

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In July 2007, the Irish golfer Padraig Harrington won one of golf’s most coveted competitions, the British Open. The story of how he did this, one of the most remarkable finishes in golfing history, illustrates one of the ways confidence works.

The Claret Jug – the Open’s famous prize – was within Harrington’s grasp as he teed off at the penultimate hole of the tournament. He had a one-shot lead on his arch-rival, Sergio García. He was entirely in the zone – “I am literally the most confident person at that point in time,” he said later. Then, something strange happened – a twinge of doubt came out of nowhere at the top of his back swing and he sliced the ball into the murky waters of the notorious Barry Burn river.

But, still in the lead and his confidence intact, Harrington squared up at the 18th tee. Disaster. He lashed another ball into the Barry Burn. His confidence collapsed: “I’ve never experienced this reaction in my life… I wanted to give up… I had thrown it away.”

Harrington barely remembers the first 50 yards he trudged up the fairway of the final hole to take yet another penalty shot. But luckily, he had his caddy, Ronan Flood, by his side for that walk. Flood kept repeating to Harrington that he was the best chipper and putter (the two strokes he needed to stay in the tournament) in the world. “One shot at a time, you’re the best chip and putter in the world. One shot at a time, you’re the best chip and putter in the world.” Over and over, he repeated it.

As they approached the ball for Harrington to take what would be his penultimate shot, an attempt to salvage his tournament, Harrington’s confidence had shifted again. He positioned himself above the fateful ball: “I stood there, really excited about it, and I fired it in there, nice and low. I don’t think I’ve ever been more in the zone than in that chip shot in my life. It’s really easy to hit a great shot when you’re feeling good… it’s really difficult to hit a great shot when you’re feeling bad. I should have been feeling the lowest ebb at this point.”

His caddy’s constant, almost mechanical, repetition of his conviction that Harrington would do it had somehow reinflated the confidence bubble, and he went on to beat García and take the Claret Jug.

But that’s not the end of the story, according to one of Harrington’s close acquaintances, to whom I spoke in Dublin. After the first, delirious celebration on the green, the champion and his caddy parted for several hours of ceremony and press interviews. They were reunited at the end of the evening in the limousine, taking them back to their hotel. Padraig looked over at his caddy:

“You know, Ronan, I thought I’d blown the Open – and so did everyone else in the world – except Ronan Flood.”

Flood started to laugh.

“What’s so funny?” Harrington asked, puzzled.

Flood replied: “I thought you’d blown it too – I didn’t think you had a chance!”

Flood was just saying the words on the fairway to try to rein in Harrington’s mind, away from thoughts of great prizes and great failure, to a limited funnel of thoughts linked to a specific set of actions that he knew he could execute. The words we say to ourselves shape our attention, which controls our emotions, and the result is confidence – or lack of it. The caddy’s astute understanding of this process meant that he could get Harrington back on mental track, despite his own fears that Harrington had blown it.

Research backs up the lesson of this story, that the words you say to yourself shape your confidence and, hence, your performance, no matter how fake or cliched those words might feel.

Cycling on a stationary bike until you are too exhausted to continue is a standard test of endurance and fitness. In one study, young, fit men and women did this, and cycled for an average of 10 minutes before having to stop. Half of them were then taken aside by the researchers and taught to use confidence-enhancing self-talk phrases, such as “you’re doing well”, “… feeling good”, or “push through this” and then applied them during a second exhaustion test. Just as “just saying the words” worked for Padraig Harrington, simply repeating these confident phrases led to the self-talk group boosting their endurance by 18%, from around 10.5 to 13 minutes. They also felt less strain during the exercise than the other group, whose endurance time didn’t change at all.

Confidence is the colloquial term for self-efficacy – the belief that you can successfully do a particular thing. It is this link to action that differentiates confidence from self-esteem (how good you feel about yourself) or optimism (belief that things will turn out OK). When you anticipate success, your brain releases a neurotransmitter called dopamine, the chemical messenger that fuels reward and pleasure in the reward network deep in the centre of the brain, according to research at Michigan University in 2015. Researchers at Monash University in Melbourne, Australia, showed in 2016 that feeling confident about your decisions activates reward networks in the brain, while lack of confidence leads to increases of activity in brain regions linked to negative emotions such as anxiety.

Confidence and anxiety are therefore competing rivals for your actions and attention. Anxiety inclines you to retreat in avoidance of failure, while confidence is a bridge to the future that impels you forward in anticipation of reward. Most of us are slightly overconfident – men more so than women – in relation to our true abilities. And that mood-lifting, anxiety-reducing state of mind inclines us to do stuff that increases the chances of outcomes or encounters that do indeed lead to opportunity and reward, and therefore acts as a virtuous positive feedback loop.

The belief that you can do something not only motivates you to do it – it lifts your mood and lowers your anxiety

So, confidence begets more confidence, and this is why the results of a 2020 mid-pandemic survey of 2,000 people in the UK aged 16-25 are particularly disturbing. The survey, by the Prince’s Trust, found that 41% of respondents felt that their future goals now seemed “impossible to achieve” and 38% that they now felt they would “never succeed in life”. This is a more extreme example of a more general finding, that 18-25-year-olds who live through an economic recession believe less strongly that they can get ahead through hard work.

Such a dramatic drop in the confidence of nearly half a generation could reverberate for decades in the social, economic and political fabric of Britain, and elsewhere. Confidence in a population predicts many things, including academic achievement. And the economic effects are likely to be strong, too: between 2000 and 2014, for example, across 13 EU countries, including the UK, Germany, France and Spain, the confidence of individual consumers and company executives strongly predicted the unemployment rate in each member state.

The belief that you can do something therefore not only motivates you to do that thing, it also lifts your mood and lowers your anxiety, which is one way confidence works – by helping you achieve small and big goals. It also helps to explain why mental health is such a major challenge during restrictive lockdowns.

We know that lifting confidence improves performance, because many studies have shown it experimentally. For example, in 2008, researchers at Emory University in Atlanta, Georgia, made students more or less confident about their physical strength by randomly telling some that they were stronger, and others that they were weaker, compared with others – irrespective of their true strength, measured using a handgrip dynamometer, a metal lever which you squeeze tight against a resisting spring. The results were striking: the high-confidence group held the grip for 30% longer than the low-confidence group. They also felt less pain and discomfort in their hands.

It is very important to avoid chronic indecision and too much deliberation

Researchers in Grenoble used the same method with people aged between 52 and 91, first asking them how old they felt. On average, they felt 8% more youthful than their real age. All the participants then did the handgrip test, which in itself is a good indicator of general vitality in older people. The average grip was around 26kg. The researchers then boosted the confidence of half the group, telling them that their score was better than 80% of people their age. They told the others nothing, and both groups then took the grip test a second time. The tired hands of those told nothing scored one kilo less than on their first attempt. The raised-confidence group score, however, was one kilo more. Strikingly, the feedback-induced confidence also made them feel younger: one 60-year-old said he felt like a 53-year-old and a 90-year-old felt 10 years younger, while the other group felt no different.

Nowhere is confidence more needed than when we face change, such as in the aftermath of pandemic. Many people are grappling with life-changing decisions, often forced upon them, about their careers, education, or where to live. There are two potential states of mind in which we can approach such decisions – deliberative, where we try to select a goal or course of action, weighing up the pros and cons of each; and implemental, where we have already selected our goal and are now working out what steps to take to achieve it.

The will-I, won’t-I, deliberative mindset widens our attention – for example, making it more likely that our eyes will detect a peripheral object on a background picture. It also opens our attention to a broad range of potential good and bad future possibilities and remembered past experiences. Because of this, not only does it open up creative possibilities for ourselves, it also lets in anxious, negative thoughts and memories which tend to diminish confidence. So it is very important to avoid chronic indecision and too much deliberation, and to keep it under tight control so that you can enjoy its benefits without becoming paralysed by it.

On the other hand, focusing on solving the problem of how to achieve an already chosen goal narrows our attention to specific actions and so reduces the chance of anxiety-arousing thoughts and memories entering our consciousness. Women in particular benefit from the confidence-enhancing effects of the implemental mindset, Cologne University researchers reported.

Though under-confidence depletes our potential, extreme overconfidence – a feature of male more than female behaviour – can have big downsides, too. For example, experienced professional financial traders made poorer choices than students because of their overconfidence in their hunches, a 2006 Nottingham University study showed, while overconfidence increases the chances of leaders taking military action and starting wars, because it makes them overly optimistic about their own military strength and their chances of success.

But in spite of its downsides, confidence is a precious mental resource that we all need as we re-enter a dramatically changed post-pandemic world. The words we say to ourselves will help harness our anxieties by focusing our attention on achievable goals, just as they did for Padraig Harrington.

Prof Ian Robertson is the author of How Confidence Works (Transworld, £20). To support the Guardian order your copy at guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges may apply

The Science of Confidence, a Guardian Masterclass with Prof Ian Robertson, is on Tuesday 20 July. Book a ticket here