#it's how i self-soothe

[cbk1000]

I am 31,000 words into a fic featuring Merlin as a livestock vet and Arthur as the owner of a horse farm and the entire plot is that they have embarrassingly large crushes on one another and take care of animals.

[mazeyphaedra]

actual real life footage of the surprised condition

[tallymali]

i have such a morbid fascination with those weird reddit dudes who rate their attraction to a woman by working out the ratios and proportions of her features. i want to know if it has ever occurred to them that this is not how other people experience attraction

[givehimthemedicine]

never forget El isn't just touchy feely as a random personality trait, she's spent most of her developmentally critical years horribly starved of touch and warmth and love :)

and every moment of physical comfort she receives is precious to her as an antidote to some specific moment in her past when she suffered the lack of it :) and you can also see the shadow of her traumas in the ways she thinks to give physical comfort :)

and also don't forget that her trauma didn't end with the lab :) when we first meet her her traumas are drawn from lab days but by later seasons it's clear some of the traumas guiding her behavior are just... the show :) such as the crushing pressure of everyone counting on her to find Will :)

and if I spend more than 2 seconds thinking about what any simple little moment of closeness/physical affection/comfort must mean to El I will start sobbing and never stop :)

[cauldronblssed]

All the ship war posts happening this week has me running back to my Elucien comfort fics. Time to forget people’s opinions and remember how cute and hot they are.

[not-poignant]

Hi Pia!

I just have to know- it's day six going into seven for Palmarosa. Contract part-two is in four days...

Do you see these next few chapters being explicit? Is Raphael truly intending to let Astarion see how life under contract is going to be, or is Raphael purposely holding back to lure Astarion into that next contract?

And, in your opinion, do you think that if Astarion truly sees Raphael at his cruelest towards him, he would be more comfortable signing a second? Able to know what the worst is instead of some nightmare he dreams up?

I love your story, and how you write Astarion. Thanks for your time!

It's still day 5!

I can't believe it's still day 5 in the contract, but it is, I'm writing a timeline and everything this time. So much has happened on this day, lmao.

(Chapters 13-18 all happen on the same day T.T)

I do think there's explicit content coming, but Raphael very much wants Astarion in that second contract, that being said, he's already cocked it up a few times already lmao. There's no guarantee he won't do that in other ways. I do plan writing-wise to get Astarion into that second contract though. Raphael oscillates between playing a very good long-game and then snapping and ruining his hard work, lol.

And, in your opinion, do you think that if Astarion truly sees Raphael at his cruelest towards him, he would be more comfortable signing a second? Able to know what the worst is instead of some nightmare he dreams up?

Raphael is not going to be his cruelest, and actually still isn't even though he does kind of lash out at Astarion in a very intense manner in the upcoming chapter. We've not seen Raphael at his worst. This is a guy who sees nothing wrong with keeping people in 'bones shattered in 100 places' levels of agony for hundreds of years. Even Raphael snapping is still Raphael not...giving himself to torture Astarion like he would an Eternal Debtor.

Astarion actually threatens to break the contract at the end of chapter 18 and through chapter 19. But...he hasn't yet.

Astarion has a lot of learned helplessness because of his experiences with Cazador. I imagine he had plenty of times to convince himself he was going to escape / find a way to beat the system etc. only to have all of that brainwashed and mind-read out of him. I am sure Cazador is the kind of person to know that someone will try and escape him and watch them try and then torture them for trying as a reminder that they are enslaved to him not just in body but in mind as well.

I don't think Astarion at this point is fully in contact with the part of him that knows he can walk away.

But also, Astarion accepted this first contract fully expecting to be raped and tortured regularly. He literally considered that and negotiated to make sure none of the torture caused permanent harm. This was a guy who negotiated a contract with stipulations based solely on expecting to be tortured/rape. From Astarion's perspective, Raphael hasn't actually done 99% of what Astarion expected him to do.

In some ways, that makes things harder for Astarion. Not knowing what to expect, and getting whole days where everything's uncertain but 'generally fine' followed by explosions of Raphael's temper etc. is like...still very hard for him to endure. But in a different kind of way.

I think Raphael's going to lay out the terms of the second contract very clearly soon, and Astarion will baulk simply because the terms of the contract will involve him doing two things he very much doesn't want to do. One goes against his personal ethics (and he's already refused to do it around Raphael once), and the second goes against his trauma history. And Raphael knows that. He isn't planning on tricking Astarion into that contract, he's banking on the idea that Astarion will still think the prize is worthwhile.

What I think Raphael is finding frustrating is that he had plans to introduce the concept of the second contract soon and Verillius came along and kind of ruined everything lmao. Raphael is pissed off for a lot of reasons right now. Can't a devil just manipulate a victim into a more high stakes contract in peace?

Unfortunately the Magic 8 Ball says no :D

[mocksyoucondescendingly]

okay but who else ripped up their “bad” drawings as a child? genuinely curious

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

Bought a couple of hungry lil' friends today 🌿

[bumblingbabooshka]

Tuvok & B’Elanna - Poor Coping Mechanisms - Vicious Cycles “You need to find some other way to deal with this” “I don’t know how.”

Heavy Balloon by Fiona Apple // Lady Lazarus by Sylvia Plath // Stubborn love by the Lumineers // New York Movie by Edward Hopper // under the burden of adversity by Theodor Axentowicz // Birthday Present by Sylvia Plath (cut)

[jakeperalta]

pinterest replacing the save button icon with a bookmark bothers me greatly.. I don't care what the other apps are doing your name is literally PINterest

[raraeavesmoriendi]

idk man I don’t think I would entirely blame them at this point if they either

a. didn’t respond to their fans at all and went on with their plans

or b. their response went “well, looks like we’re dumping this whole slate of shows and starting over elsewhere, because you very clearly said you didn’t like how we were making them after all, and we don’t want to make them for an advertiser-dependent platform anymore, so… bye!”

because like. people get so up their own ass about their “comfort” coming before anyone or anything else, especially when it comes to media, that I don’t see how their fandom still wouldn’t be acting personally victimized by a business decision made by total strangers no matter what they said

[flip-flopping-frede]

Not to sound like someone with a personality disorder on main, but people who have no friends can give the most attention.

As someone who is a simp for attention, is this why I’m drawn to the really mean characters that don’t have any friends, can’t keep friends, or betray their friends, or whatever unpopular thing they do or are that makes them not have friends?

As someone who doesn’t quite feel that hex experiences platonic attraction, it feels interesting to me how I am drawn to the most excluded people, or the people who don’t fit in. I feel a little bit too isolated to go into much detail about this, but sometimes it kind of feels like I’m being selfish.

If I’m nice to someone that everyone else is mean to, then I know that it’s likely going to be appreciated that I treat them like a human. If I befriend the person that everyone else is scared of, then I can’t help but feel special or chosen, since the person wants to be my friend or maintain a friendship with me.

Idk these are all probably things I need to discuss in therapy.

[malonarky]

convinced that anyone who is like oh.. men are so shitty to me I only date the WORST men, I want a girlfriend, have never actually had a sapphic relationship. They are more cruel babe, you i will cry 1000x harder.

[fairydust-stuff]

Saionji's crimes aginst Wakaba

When the problems with Wakaba X Saionji do get brought up it is always on Saionji's end. As if his dynamic with Anthy sums up his whole personality and is the whole of how Saionji interacts in all his relationships.

Also, there is, this idea that Wakaba is this kind of pure saint who deserves revenge on Saionji for the crimes.

I just want to point out Saionji's crimes aginist Wakaba are exaggerated within fandom in my opinion.

Saionji's crimes

Lets look at what Saionji actually did to Wakaba in the first episode. he threw her letter away. This is not a crime, just because she's his fan doesn't mean he's obligated to answer it. He claims he didn't hang up the letter and Saionji had no reason to lie. (Also Anthy, Chu chu and or Touga were more likely.)

Utena thinks its a crime because Wakaba is her friend. Also just my take (correct me if i'm wrong). He is very mocking about the letter. Which he didn't need to be to Wakaba's friend. So yes he's being a jerk here.

Then we go to Wakaba flourishing where it gets brought up Saionji is takeing advantage of Wakaba. To which I say maybe. He does offer to relieve her of the burden of him staying. Out of politeness even though he doesn't want to leave. But Wakaba shuts down the idea of Saionji leaving. Which to me does not reek of guilt tripping someone while being an unwanted guest.

but if Saionji is takeing advantage,Wakaba is also takeing advantage of him having nowhere to go. The final crime Saionji commits is basically wanting to move out and not keep contact. Yeah it hurts but once again he owes her nothing. Is it straight up rude to deliver his thank you present because he doesn't want to hand it to her. And yeah he gives the hair clip to Mikage to get back in the school. Trading something special he made for her for status.

So, Saionji is basically guilty of rude thoughtless behavior and being a jerk to Wakaba. His crimes aginst Utena and Anthy are far more severe but are not apart of his dynamic with Wakaba. His actions towards them are a completely seperate thing.

Why you ask do I care? Well Wakaba flourishing highlights from Wakaba's pov how Saionji was so mean to her that she deserved to inflict pain on him. What, she did was an act of revenge. But in retrospect if you examine the actual sins of the character. Its only justified from the pov of the actual rapist. Which is in fact I believe the point.

[llycaons]

okay I thought about the similarities between jfm and jc's unrequited crushes who prefer their 'servant's' company to their own and it looped around from being tragic to being really funny again. jc pined after wq so clumsily and unsuccessfully with the stupid fucking comb she didn't care about because SHE AND HER FAMILY WERE POLITICAL TARGETS AT THE TIME and HE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER AT ALL and she 100% always preferred the company of wwx, who was genuinely fun to be around, as intelligent and selfless as she was, understood and respected the delicate political position she was in, treated her like an individual, knew what was important to her, helped her family, and sacrificed everything for her safety. wq literally would rather have lived a doomed life in a starving refugee camp with wwx and her family than accept a marriage proposal from jc, jc wq shippers how does it feel to be fucking clowns

[unproduciblesmackdown]

truly something that, amidst facing / going through a dramatic Life Change ft. unavoidable emotional effects of that, there are instances where i can't conceal any & all degrees of being distressed / upset, & repeatedly getting "it's hard for me too" as a Direct Response to that: really something & a half how the asserted theoretical Sympathy of [i feel similarly!] is invoked so as to, oh you know, preclude sympathetic Treatment. such as that what would be More sympathetic in these instances would be to say Nothing, "if there's nothing but dismissal / making it first & foremost about someone else's feelings to say, don't say it at all" style